bite Volume 14 Issue 7

Caleb Wheeler-Robinsom

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Monday 11th February 2013

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bite Editorial: HMV T

he take over the break’s over! Fall Out Boy are back.

Let the angsty emo teenager phase we all experienced at one stage flourish again. Pull out your skinny jeans, straighten your hair and wear a questionably tight jacket and lets hit HMV en masse...

Ah, there may be a problem here.

The last time Fall Out Boy released an album, the largely underwhelming Folie au Deux, it was 2008 and HMV was king of the high street. Then something complicated happened involving bastards in suits doing what bastards in suits do best and all the world’s money went missing. I’m not too sure, but I think it had something to do with either Iran, North Korea or Iceland. Still, whatever happened, the high street got a nice big dick up its collective ass and HMV’s kidneys got tickled a bit.

Truth be told I was quite sad when I heard HMV was going into administration. Certain shops are always going to survive, for example posh white women will always want a nice new dishwasher and because of this John Lewis will never die, but HMV fills no such niche. On top of this there was the issue of that pesky internet making almost everything free and instantly available from the comfort of your own home, and HMV failed to adapt. There were pretty feeble attempts to branch out into a mp3 and streaming service, but it was far too little, far too late. Instead the company tried to expand into more high street areas, expanding its electronics and stereo department, which seems like the literal definition of “if we throw enough shit at the wall them some of it will stick” (and they were right, some of it did stick, but all they were left with was a shit-covered wall and a few humorously shaped iPod decks). Still, despite this

A nibble of bite

clearly fundamental misunderstanding of how marketing works, I am, as previously stated, sad that we will lose HMV. In the same way we all had that embarrassing Fall Out Boy phase, we all must have spent numerous hours wandering through the aisles aimlessly, hoping to find a favourite album with that wonderful “2 for £10” sticker on it. I recall one afternoon in my early teens that was spent walking round the Cardiff store with a girl I had a crush on.

We never had any intention of buying anything but we just walked through each section seeing what albums and films we had in common and recommending others. I was literally wingmanned by HMV. On top of simply having so much stock to browse and flirt amongst, the customer service always set HMV apart too. The staff, usually at least, really cared about music and films and were happy to help, chat and recommend new albums or films. They were always people who seemed to actually enjoy what they did; good HMV’s were like a record store with some steroids and a protein shake. The best example of this is the fact that without HMV we might not have The Beatles. In 1962 their manager, Brian Epstine, visited HMV’s flagship store in London (go there if you haven’t, it’s an impressive sight and it might not be around for much longer) to get The Beatles’ 15 song demo transferred from tape to disc. The shop engineer was so impressed with the demo that he called down a music publisher from the top floor of the building who called an executive from Parlophone. This executive happened to be Sir George Martin and the rest is history. Sadly however, this aspect of the business has disappeared in recent years, for example the change in policy that banned employees from having visible

www.bathimpact.com tattoos and piercings. Personally I think this is a bullshit and outdated premise in all forms as life (it’s your body you can do whatever the fuck you want with it, it doesn’t change who you are or how well you can do your job), but in a store that was famous for its employees passion for music, an art form that celebrates tattoos and piercing, it just seemed ridiculous. This culminated last month in the mass firing of 60 loyal HMV employees which, because of their failure to take away control of twitter from the social media guy/gal, ended up being reported live on twitter. If an event sums up HMV’s failure to adapt and declining staff services, it’s that.

This leads us nicely on to a brief discussion of our new issue! We refuse to let the same fate await us, so we’re bringing out a host of new features for second semester. Within this issue you will find a brand new creative writing section on pages 10 and 11. If any of you guys are authors, poets, playwrights, artists, illustrators, photographers or just about anything creative, we would love you to contribute.

You will also notice that fashion, pages 16 and 17, has had a sexy new revamp with the models, photographers and designers all being current University of Bath Students.

Again, if you model, design, photograph or whatever, if it’s fashion related we want you involved. Finally, we’re always pretty big on music (check out pages 12 and 13 for an interview with Frank Turner) so we’re going to be making Spotify playlists to go with every issue of bite. This will include songs from bands in The Guide, any reviews, any interviews, any great film soundtracks and a few select picks from the bathimpact editorial team too!

That’s about it from me; hope you all enjoy this week’s bite and maybe even contribute to the next issue!

To get involved in bite and hear the playlist for this issue, head over to our facebook group at www.facebook. com/bathimpactbite Or email me at impact-bite@bath.ac.uk

This week’s theme is...

Blog of the week:

Resolutions! Yes I know it’s a cop out but who cares, it’s a good issue. See articles by Holly Narey on page 3, Rowan Emslie on page 4, Helen Edworthy on page 5, Darius Gilani on page 8 and our Agony Aunts and Sex Columnist on page 18 for proof.

We also have a host of new features coming out, our New Years Resolution to you. Spotify Playlists featuring the music discussed, a brand new fashion format and creative writing!

http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/ Now you wouldn’t imagine that systematically removing Garfield from Garfield comics would be that entertaining, but you would be wrong. Garfield minus Garfield does just that, which serves to document the hilarity that is Jon Arbuckle’s slow descent into madness.

If you do one thing this week...

Things to...

Go and see Frightened Rabbit at the Fleece in Bristol on the 16th February.

The band just released their major label debut, Pedestrian Verse, which has been critically lauded for its brand of indie-folk. The brothers from Selkirk have been plying their trade since 2003 and this is not to be missed. Most likely your last chance to catch them in such a small venue.

Watch: The Boondocks. Aaron McGruder’s brilliant animated series that contains possibly the greatest character of all time in Uncle Ruckus.

Read: Borges. He literally never wrote a short story more than 10 pages long. There’s no excuse not to!

Listen: Kendrick Lamar. Why? “God damn he got bitches” Turn to pages 6 and 7 for an Oscars special!

Best quotes from our heads

bite gets creative

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” ― Charles Bukowski

Starting from this week we will be including the poetry, short stories, flash fiction, artwork or, well, anything of Bath students.

Turn to page 10 and 11 to see the first example of this and if you want to contribute (anything, photography, artwork, prose, poetry, we want it all!) then email impactbite@bath.ac.uk

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake?” ― Ernest Hemingway “Sometimes I get emotional over fonts” - Kanye West (we share your pain Kanye, we do)

New Release:

It’s back, it’s amazing and it’s back and watch it!

Monday 11th February 2013

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Lessons in living from Los Angeles

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written by Holly Narey

Seth MacFarlane will be hosting the 85th Academy Awards on February 24th. Producers are presumably frantically repeating “don’t do a Ricky Gervais” over and over

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nd so we have stumbled our way into a new year. As we stand naked and exposed, teetering on the precipice of our past with the endless plunge into our future ahead of us, we come to depend on the familiarity of tradition and ritual to ease ourselves away from thoughts of the relentless marching of time. So we find ourselves here, windswept and paddling through snow melt, as we cast our eyes across the pond and shiver at the sight of bare arms and scoop-backed dresses. It is a parade of the beautiful and the best, the shining and the successful. Ah, the Oscars. So many people I know talk about it with excitement; if the film you plan to see at the cinema has been shortlisted anyone and everyone will use any opportunity to tell you so with a conspiratorial nod. We may all read the headlines and absorb nomination information through osmosis, but in my experience few of us will watch it, or even really remember when exactly it occurs (February 24th this year). It is only postevent that we enjoy being shocked at the seemingly inverse correlation between dress value and attractiveness (Hilary Swank, 2003, just what?!), and maybe watch snippets of acceptance speeches on YouTube, but only if they are particularly entertaining - preferably drunken and over-emotional.

Let’s face it though, if it was me, sat there, dripping in diamonds and drowning in champagne, I would do just that – the drowning in champagne part. I would knock them back in the knowledge that I was possibly moments away from the most convincing encouragement that what I do actually matters, that I’ve done well. You can have all the gold in the world but most people hate to know they’re hated, and love to know they’re loved. The Oscar is the golden ticket of geniality, given to the good guys. You hold that little gold man real tight and run straight home and don’t stop ‘til you get there!

To even be in that room and on the list, these guys are

the crème de la crème. Every year the awards are likened to a popularity contest, and if the general public were to vote then perhaps it would end up that way, however they’ve been voted in by a panel of 5,783 of their peers, less likely to be swayed my tabloid headlines about their personal lives and more likely to care if they’ve done a job well or not. If you really are a dick, then people who have worked with dicks are going to know it, and this will count against you, but then again if you’re going to be enough of a dick for that to impact your chances then maybe you don’t damn well deserve an award, didn’t your mother teach you better?! Despite this, it is still a game; if you push too much for the win, like Scorsese with Gangs of New York and feelings of hard-done-by entitlement then you will be pushed away. There doesn’t seem to be a problem with going to the other extreme – in 2010 Mo’Nique refused to run the campaign trail for her nomination for Precious, and even managed to break the golden rule of not bringing up the financial uselessness of it all. She still won. Taking it even further, in the 70’s actor George C. Scott wrote to the Academy to have his name removed from the nominee list for his role in Patton, and although it caused outrage, he still won. Let’s see whether Joaquin Phoenix’s outbursts about the “bullshit” awards work out for him.

The people who vote want it to mean something, but are probably aware that it all doesn’t really, which is why these negative comments don’t seem to work against them. Yes, of course there will be politics at play, but when is this not true?

A case where politics is rife is, in fact, in politics, where popularity usurps goodness at the top of the agenda – each move is carefully assessed for potential damage. Long term benefits appear to be ignored in favour of current opinion. Take the recent triumph of the gay marriage vote in parliament. It is a great step forward for our country, away from the dark shad-

ows of inequality and injustice, towards a (very, very distant) future of fairness and broad-mindedness. Some were, however, opposed to it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but these opinions must be justified. A look at the Guardian’s collection of quotes from the debates leading up to the vote reveals some shocking thoughts – The conservative MP for Gainsborough, Edward Leigh’s thoughts on the matter were this: ”We should be in the business of protecting cherished institutions and our cultural heritage, otherwise what, I ask, is a Conservative party for? Indeed we are alienating people who have voted for us for all their lives, leaving them with no one to vote for.” Alienating voters becomes a bigger issue than alienating a huge number of those sharing our society, denying them rights because of who they are. Yes, the country has had a huge triumph in passing the bill, but many of the current government were more worried about the effect the bill would have on the ballot boxes rather than on the lives of the people it was aiming to help. I’m not saying this as a direct attack at the Tories, although anybody who knows me will know I am not a fan, I believe this would be the same no matter who is leading the country, my point is that perhaps we have strayed from the path of making progress because it is right, and rather doing the things that will give us the most tangible validation. Being successful on election day is a far more real-seeming victory than the seemingly tiny, scattered benefits that will befall those who have just gained the right to marry.

So maybe a fitting resolution for the New Year would be to focus on doing things because they are right, even if they are hard, rather than because they are more likely to lead to us having a little golden man clutched in our hands. Although that all sounds very difficult. Maybe I’ll just give up chocolate or some shit.

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Monday 11th February 2013

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Modern Notes: Punishment www.bathimpact.com

omething about A New Year makes people want to be cruel to themselves. It’s January again so they set themselves trials presumably in anticipation of mistakenly writing the wrong date for the first three months of the year.

No alcohol for a month, a new diet and fitness regime, no more sleeping around, learning how to cook - all not-so-strictly adhered to until you can remember to write ‘2013’ without first crossing out ‘2012’ and falling into a pit of self-loathing at your inadequacies.

Of course, it is possible that this ritualised societal push for inner turmoil is about more than training people to remember what year it is. The ‘tortured genius’ is one of those stereotypes that exists because such individuals crop up so often it is actually difficult to ignore the trend. Van Gogh, Richard Pryor, Kurt Cobain, Sylvia Plath - the list goes on and on. This isn’t just for sexy, punk, outsider artists who burn out before the fade away either; enter a Finnish composer named Jean Sibelius who lived a full life, dying at the age of ninety-two in 1957. He was unusually adored by both the competing modernist and traditional schools of classical music and has been adopted as something of a national symbol of the Scandinavian country he lived in for most of his life.

There are stories of some of the great names of twentieth century composition making long pilgrimages to Sibelius’s remote, rural home, Ainola, situated on the edge of picturesque Lake Tuusula. They would make their way to Helsinki and northwards to the composer. Often on arrival they would be greeted by his wife and six daughters who would greet them warmly. After a meal and some refreshments they would ask to see the great man only to be refused. He was sensitive, working hard and wasn’t prepared to be disturbed. Perhaps, then, they would wash to freshen up from the long journey? They would have to do this in the yard by the well or else, if the weather was warm, by the lake. Ainola never had water pipes installed lest they disturbed Sibelius.

He was famous for long periods of despondency, particularly in winter months, and went years without producing any major work. In the latter years of his career, his reputation having been firmly established worldwide for decades, he suffered a pique of self-doubt and undertook a ‘great burning’ outside Ainola which consumed countless musical manuscripts. Apparently it made him feel much more relaxed. After, he barely completed another work, becoming more and more reclusive as he became ever more famous. His symphonies remain amongst the best loved works of the twentieth century - romantic and experimental at the same time, utterly listenable and never forgettable, it is composition at its finest. But, by all accounts, he doesn’t sound like he’d be on my ‘Dream Dinner Party’ guest list.

If, like me, you are somewhat derisive of your friends’ attempts to better themselves as we accelerate away from Janus’s second face maybe it is time to rethink. Sure, I assume that the claims to be getting fit and being happier are simple delusions. And, yes, I also will generally be a terrible influence on any resolution: “Why make yourself unhappy to fill some arbitrary ‘no drinks’ deadline you’ve set yourself? In a way, struggling to a one month deadline before resuming your binge drinking (with me) is less healthy than just carrying on drinking. I mean, what are you trying to prove? That not drinking is a punishment you can set yourself? Bit alcoholic. It’s your round.”

Asides from the obvious self-interest and laziness of my disregard of resolutions, I think I might be missing the point. Making yourself suffer a little can be beneficial. It promotes humility, self-reflection and, just possibly, personal growth.You probably don’t have to go as far as eschewing internal plumbing - unless you want to become a Finnish national hero (who doesn’t?) - but humiliating yourself with the intransigent New Year crowd at the gym for a couple of weeks might be worth it. It’ll at least be amusing for people who actually go to the gym, even in the summer, who, I’m sure, don’t find the Resolutioners© invasive to their past-time at all. Right?

Whatever. I’ve decided that my resolution will be to stop judging people for their own resolutions. Which is liable to create a lot of built up bile in me. As luck would have it, a little Sibelius is just about the best remedy for this affliction that I know of.

owly9

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written by Rowan Emslie

Miserable Finnish men who live alone next to remote lakes end up getting cast in bronze ... apparently

Monday 11th February 2013

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Baby steps guys, baby steps mags20_eb

www.bathimpact.com

You want it? You know you want it. Why do you deny yourself this lovely thing? Go on... go on...

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written by Helen Edworthy

ew Years’ Resolutions are an interesting phenomenon – people make them every year, and they’re usually along the same lines as the ones they’ll have made the year before, or the ones they’ll make the next year. At this beginning of 2013, two of the most popular resolutions made were ‘saving money’ and ‘getting out of debt’, with ‘giving up chocolate’ and ‘moving house’ also being among the most popular. Good intentions, yes – but who really wants to give up chocolate? Completely quitting something is as bad as doing it far too much (unless it’s some kind of illegal or unusually cruel hobby… like stapling ducks to trees). Saving money and getting out debt are good things to aim to do, however – the question is, is a day on which you’ll most likely wake up hungover and in some form of compromising situation really the best day to decide to start doing it? I’d argue not – and not just because I’m a deeply cynical human being who naturally assumes failure anyway (oh, okay – it is because of that).

But, we at bite don’t like to be serious. As such, instead of providing a balanced discussion of why you should or shouldn’t make resolutions, I am just going to take some of the most popular ones and tell you why you are wrong for trying.

No. 1: ‘Save More Money’. What’s this for? Do you need more things? If you’re like me (joke’s on you) then you probably want more money so you can buy more things you don’t need.

But you’re not me, so you probably just want to spend it on booze.

Don’t do that. You’re not as funny as you think you are when you’re drunk. (No, really. Ask anyone. We’ve all been talking about you.) Still you’re going to not spend money so you can save money so that one day you can spend money on something you don’t really want or need because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Perhaps a better resolution would be, figure out what you’re going to spend your money on.

No. 2: ‘Get out of debt’. You only have yourself to blame for buying all those vintage pokemon cards, so I have no sympathy for you. Go and sit in a corner and think about what you’ve done.

Come back when you’ve properly thought about why you decided going into overdraft just to buy those fabergé Obama effigies was a good idea. You are doomed to be in debt forever; deal with it.

Maybe your resolution should be to only get into debt for things that are worth getting into debt for.

No. 3: ‘Give up Chocolate’. Ha, yeah. Good one. Next!

No. 4: ‘Spend more time with family/friends’. Not to make you feel bad or anything, but your friends all left you after you started hoarding cats. Still the fact that you’ve got to the stage of promising yourself that you’ll spend more time with your friends means that maybe you could just find new friends? Maybe they’re a douche, maybe you’re the douche or maybe you’re just incompatible. Either way you’re at university goddamn it, meet some new people.

No. 5: ‘Procrastinate less’. Let’s be honest here; everybody procrastinates from time to time. If you’re like me (you poor devil) then you procrastinate from the moment you have something you actually need to do up until the point where the deadline for it has passed. As such, if you’re going to waste your own time, at least be productive about it. For example, you could read some books you’ve always wanted to read (no; not all those Naruto manga volumes you have, they don’t count). Or you could organise every single file you have on your computer into thousand upon thousands of subfolders. Maybe you could also take up something calming, like yoga. Or smoking.

No. 6: ‘Quit smoking’. Oh, whoops.

As you can see, new years’ resolutions are difficult to start, and even more difficult to stick with. Trying is really far more effort than people give it credit for – it takes someone normal and well-adjusted to be able to adapt to change properly, much less attempt it within themselves. At least you’re trying to be better which is basically all you can ask for isn’t it? Still, instead of trying to make a thousand different changes at once with no room for compromise, how about trying one thing at once, and seeing how it goes? If you want change, it’s best to not stress yourself out with it. It doesn’t have to be a change from an old life to a new one, like so many people make it out to be. Maybe just start by selling those pokemon cards?

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Monday 11th February 2013

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On slavery: Tarantino or Spielberg

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written by Benjamin Butcher

jango Unchained and Lincoln will undoubtedly be two of the biggest films of the year. Their plots are both dominated by slavery and early American history. Both Lincoln and Django Unchained have stellar casts (led by Daniel Day-Lewis and Jamie Foxx respectively), both will sweep in the Academy Awards, and both mark huge career moves for their directors Spielberg and Tarantino, but one thing you can’t help wondering having watched the films is; which deals with the slave trade in the best way?

Django Unchained is a Spaghetti Western which tells the story of a slave turned bounty hunter who longingly searches for his wife all across the Deep South. The film has all the staples of a classic Quentin Tarrantino movie; copious amounts of gore, plenty of foul language and a kick-ass soundtrack. Lincoln, on the other hand, is a more restrained affair. A biopic of the USA’s abolitionist president, the film takes you from the Civil War through to his death.

Lincoln deals with slavery in much the same way it would have been dealt with at the time. The issue was not over whether or not slaves were human beings, but rather whether or not they were property. Abraham Lincoln’s famous proposition, that ‘all men are created equal’, may well have been his point of view, but as many scenes allude to in the film, it was a far from universal belief.

Rather than giving viewers a frontline look into the atrocities of slavery, the film highlights the insanity of slavery through monologues and speeches made by Lincoln and Congress alike. In Lincoln, slavery comes across as little more than a legislative dispute in the context of the 13th Amendment rather than as a practice that required a complete overhaul of social values to counter.

Django Unchained however moves the viewers from the periphery of the problem to the brutal realities that existed south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Not for the faint hearted, Tarantino treats us to slaves being mauled, whipped, burnt, and eye-gouged. The film pulls no punches and is so grotesque that, quite honestly, I thought that much of the violence was the consequence of Tarantino’s vivid imagination (remember when Eli Roth killed Hitler in Inglorious Basterds?).

The ‘Mandingo’ fighting, whereby two black slaves fight to the death for the casual delight of their owners, is the most shocking scene of the film and was, unfortunately, based on truth. Tarantino does indeed take a certain amount of creative licence in realizing the exploitative nature of the slave-owner relationship but the fundamental truths that underlie it are challenging. The dialogue may be less intellectual (but far more exciting!) than Lincoln and require considerably less concentration (I was actually incredibly hung-over when I watched both of them) but what we see in Django Unchained achieves far more than what we hear in Lincoln.

The violence and language is an aspect of Django that has received a particularly large amount of criticism. In the postNewtown climate which briefly hindered the States’ addiction to violence, Django was slated by the press for ‘excessive’ violence and ‘glorifying’ murder. Leading African American director Spike Lee called it ‘disrespectful’ and said that slavery was ‘not a Sergei Leone Spaghetti Western’ but rather ‘a Holocaust.’ Despite this, it is very clear that Tarantino is merely mixing an issue he clearly cares about deeply (Jackie Brown demonstrated how much civil rights mean to him) with the superficial pleasures we have come to love (or hate) in his films.

Django acts as one of the most humanising takes on slavery in mainstream cinema in a long time. Lincoln, portrayed with godliness by Daniel Day-Lewis, may tackle the politics of abolition with intense accuracy but the idea that the 13th Amendment was just the right medicine is lunacy. The film portrays slavery and its abolition as little more than policy and debate, but Django creates an image of a white society with a façade of civility, undermined by the horrific moral scar that is slavery.

Using the word ‘nigger’ and showing branding/whipping/ executions to a cinema audience may never seem necessary, but Django showed just how powerful it can be. Many may disagree, but to Tarantino blood-lust is as much an art as it is a fetish. Lincoln will sweep the Oscars and I’m not even suggesting it shouldn’t, but with Django you receive a much more honest, more entertaining and, some would argue, more educational film.

Is Samuel L. Jackson, as Steven, the most hard-hitting and accurate portrayal of slavery this Oscar season?

Monday 11th February 2013

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Review: Django Unchained & Lincoln www.bathimpact.com

written by Ron Morrow

Tarantino is back, and it’s with characters as interesting as Reservoir Dogs, violence as brutal and insane as Kill Bill, but set in a more defined structure like Inglorious Basterds. He’s brought the best of his bag of tricks and come up with a film that is certainly one of his finest so far.

Spearheading an all-round stellar cast is Jamie Foxx as the titular Django; a slave befriended, and subsequently freed, by a German bounty hunter by the name of Dr Schultz, played by an incredible Christoph Waltz. Together they form a duo deadly in the American south, ready to take on Monsieur Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio) and his associates of “Candyland” in an attempt to reclaim Django’s wife. The acting is top notch and shouldn’t be knocked just because it’s in a less serious environment. All of the characters are richly interesting, with Samuel L. Jackson’s portrayal of Stephen, the elderly, traitorous slave, acting as the icing on the cake.

While technically being a “southern” and not of the “western” genre, you’d be forgiven for making this assumption. And while Tarantino’s style might not instantly seem the most fitting, the madness of the time period and general lack of societal rules means his plot is free to run wild.

The use of music is still eclectic and hard hitting, but it manages to hit the tone perfectly. Nothing has been lost here by the inclusion of some original songs, sitting nicely alongside the usual contemporary and referential choices.

Now while Django’s ‘D’ may be silent, the N-word most certainly is not. Make no mistakes, this is 2 and ¾ hours of no holds barred offensive slurs, put downs and gory violence, but I’ll be damned if that stops it from being thrilling, hilarious, and thoroughly entertaining.

9/10

It’s rare that a film comes along that has so many incredible examples of acting all packed into one.

Not a single person lets up or drops a performance in this biopic of America’s 16th president.

Set during Lincoln’s second term it sees the giant of a man grappling with his most famous of issues, the abolition of slavery. Daniel Day-Lewis’s portrayal of Abraham would be stunning on its own, but when coupled with Spielberg’s very personal account of those involved it becomes something far greater. Showing him at the centre of a web of different relationships means we are able to see the many different faces of Lincoln. We see his family side as he deals with his emotionally crippled, yet socially fronted wife (Sally Field) and his beloved, yet distant, son (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who wishes to do his duty despite his father’s concerns. But we also get to see the side the history books are more used to as he takes on his methodically opposed, yet compassionate equal Thaddeus Stevens (Tommy Lee Jones), as well as the face he has to put on for the public and it all ties together brilliantly.

While my knowledge of American history is poor enough to be unable to fact check the film’s accuracy I’m still sold, with the film coming across more like a dramatized documentary than a piece of entertainment. Hence it feels somewhat slow throughout, and if you’re not ready for 150 minutes of talking then this isn’t the film for you. Yet to give credit to Spielberg, there’s few who could make a voting roll call as interesting and suspenseful as he managed to.

Lincoln is about as Oscar baiting as they come but it’s deservingly so. The acting is top notch and it delivers its story in a way far more preferable to any history lesson I ever received in school.

8/10

Preview: The Academy Awards 2013 written by Laurence Simpson

It’s that time of year again when the Hollywood elite gather to celebrate their greatest cinematic achievements, and with few easy picks for the Oscar this year in any one category there is no doubt that the 85th Academy Awards will be as hotly contested as any of the 84 that have preceded them.

If any one film does dominate this year’s Oscars’ then it will almost certainly be Stephen Spielberg’s ‘Lincoln’. Charting the final days of the U.S President whilst he fights to pass the bill to abolish slavery, Lincoln fits the bill for a typical Oscar winner due to its subject matter alone. At the heart of the piece is the commanding presence of Daniel Day-Lewis. The British actor once again delivers a masterful performance that only serves to increase the claims that he is the greatest of his generation.

Sally Field’s performance as Lincoln’s wife is a strong contender in the Best Supporting Actress category and Spielberg himself will have his fingers crossed for his third Best Director Oscar, previously winning for Schindler’s List (1994) and Saving Private Ryan (1999).

Perhaps surprisingly, Lincoln’s closest rival for the Best Picture Oscar is Ben Affleck’s ‘Argo’. Set to the backdrop of the Iranian revolution in 1979, Argo tells the story of a CIA attempt to rescue stranded American diplomats, hiding in the Canadian embassy by using a fake cover story of filming a Science-Fiction movie in Iran. Perhaps the most remarkable fact about Argo is just how close it is to the real events it portrays. The film has already scooped a Critics’ Choice award and a Golden Globe ahead of Lincoln, but Affleck has not been nominated for Best Director and in the 85 year history of the Academy Awards only three films have won Best Picture without a Best Director nomination, the last of which was ‘Driving Miss Daisy’ in 1989.

‘Les Misérables’ certainly should not be discounted for Best Picture but its best shot at an Oscar has to be Best Supporting Actress after Anne Hathaway’s spellbinding performance. Hugh Jackman’s Jean Valjean is probably the only contender to rival Day-Lewis for the Best Actor in a Leading Role.

‘Life of Pi’ will probably have to settle for just a nomination for Best Film but should collect the Oscar for Best Visual Effects. Best Leading Actress will probably come down to Jessica Chastain for Zero Dark Thirty and Naomi Watts for ‘The Impossible’. The wonderful ‘Searching for Sugar Man’ should collect Best Documentary Feature and there is British interest in Best Animated Feature Film for ‘The Pirates! Band of Misfits’ and Adele is nominated for Best Original Song for ‘Skyfall’ (a film unjustifiably not nominated for Best Film).

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Monday 11th February 2013

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Grow up and put on a cartoon www.bathimpact.com

written by Darius Gilani

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et’s do a test here - How many people slate reality TV? And how many of those same people actually watch it?

The latest big reality show is Splash, and despite Tom Daley’s best intentions it is terrible television. The celebrities taking part are taking a dive in every way imaginable. And who can blame them, given the millions of people who watch these shows? Reality TV shows either have a ridiculously long life or mutate into new and more sinister brethren (Pop Idol/X Factor), even when we know that they are dreadful.

My resolution is not to watch reality TV anymore. Instead I’m going to turn to cartoons, and would like to explain why you should too.

There’s a popular myth that adults shouldn’t watch most cartoons as they are made for children. We had our shot at enjoying Goof Troop, Rescue Rangers and Darkwing Duck. Twenty-somethings are entitled to watch The Simpsons, Futurama, Adult Swim, South Park and the Seth McFarlane miscellany with friends and family due to their adult content. Now we have to “accidentally” flick on to Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon in polite company.

However, the best cartoons have always known how to conceal sly, cheeky and adult jokes so that older viewers could enjoy a chuckle without confusing or upsetting younger audiences. Rewatch episodes of Dangermouse and you’ll be surprised at the wit of some of David Jason’s lines. Nowadays, Frederator Studios is undoubtedly the master of releasing shows that achieve this. Their current fare includes cult favourites such as Adventure Time, Fairly Odd Parents and Bravest Warriors (that last one’s a bit more mature). Cartoon Hangover is even uploading Bravest Warriors and loads of new stuff on their YouTube channel to be watched legally and for free so give them a try. The jokes fly fast, furious and with a hit-miss ratio comedians would envy.

Here’s another myth: cartoons and their characters aren’t written as intelligently as conventional programmes. They are supposedly different beasts because the plots have to be simplified to fit into 10-20 minutes. But watch the old Hanna-Barbera shows such as Top Cat, The Flintstones, The Jetsons and Scooby-Doo. They are so similarly structured to the live-action sitcoms of their eras that you’d be hard pressed to tell the difference between the scripts without looking at the screen (except for the naughty language). They rely far more on the interactions between characters than on them being homeless cats, the modern stone-age family or a bunch of jobless hippies with a penchant for solving mysteries. Of course, legendary shows such as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Transformers are a quick reminder that this doesn’t apply to all cartoons. But don’t underestimate the creators of animated shows and the wit and structure they inject into their tales.

Watching the cast of Jersey or Geordie Shore in action is downright horrific at times. Yet Johnny Bravo was failing at chatting up the ladies and striking flamboyant poses fifteen years before that, and it was funny. This marks an interesting twist - the characters in reality TV seem remarkably fictional and unbelievable because they are so extreme and at times lacking humble sensibility. They are not reality. In contrast, the writers, directors, voice actors and animators of cartoons often know how to make their characters seem so human in the face of sheer craziness. Adventure Time and Gravity Falls get this balance right. Big Brother doesn’t.

Of course, the extreme moments in cartoons can also be downright hilarious. There’s a moment in the first episode of Gravity Falls where a gnome is punched so hard he vomits rainbows. Later in the series a character has a fluorescent sugar trip on sherbert dip. Rocko’s Modern Life and Invader Zim were lovable because they were insane. Roadrunner was fun because

of the mad-cap creations and ridiculous failures of Wile E. Coyote.

In comparison, laughing at the real-life extreme performances of Jedward, Rylan or Wagner on X-Factor seems awkward and a bit insensitive. Revelling in the tears of a real person pushed to their limits on television brings images of a certain Eric Cartman to mind. Reality TV doesn’t do extreme in a comfortable way, but continues to push it further to sustain interest.

Maybe the lasting appeal of cartoons to this 25 year old is that there is some sense of purpose and karma (things turn out well for good people) to them. Of course, some animated shows can be a bit sickly sweet sometimes, as was the case of childhood cartoons such as The Raccoons and Moomins. But flip over to some “celebrity” reality TV shows featuring Kardashians, Jersey Shore, The Hills and Paris Hilton. They are paying excessive amounts of money to broadcast people who are mostly spending excessive amounts of money on being obnoxious.

The sad irony is that on MTV where these tend to be shown there’s often an ad break asking viewers to donate £2 to a charity organization lacking funds. Of course, some reality TV programmes do contribute to charity. But not all of them do. Heck, even Scrooge MacDuck occasionally did nice things.

Enough whinging: You get the point. Cartoons are good for the mind, sense of the humour and soul. Give them another go before flicking over to TOWIE. So that was a rundown of some of bite’s favourites. Give them a try for curiosity or warm nostalgia, and if you’re not entertained then by all means stick to reality TV. Leave the cartoon fans in peace and quiet and we’ll return the favour. However, if you make a snide remark about cartoons and you’re tuned into “Sort-of celebrity fatties on camera eating live animals, slipping on ice and being d*cks for a fortune”, try and remember who’s watching the unintelligible nonsense.

Monday 11th February 2013

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The Guide

Music

Film

Arts

nrk p3

www.bathimpact.com

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Listen to The Guide on 1449AM URB on Monday’s at 6pm for more information on local events, such as Alex Gaskarth and All Time Low bringing pop-punk to Bristol

All Time Low, Tuesday 12th February at O2 Academy, Bristol. Tickets: £21

Quartet, from Tuesday 12th February at Little Theatre, Bath. Tickets: £5.50

Dance Double Bill, Saturday 16th February at The ICIA Arts Theatre, Bath. Tickets: £7

Baltimore’s finest bring their brand of New Found Glory, Fall Out Boy and Blink 182 influenced pop-punk to Bristol in support of their new album, Don’t Panic. Sporting sing along hits such as Dear Maria Count Me In, Coffee Shop Soundtrack and Dammed If I Do Ya (Dammed If I Don’t), this promises to be an energetic night full of crunching guitars and power chords.

Scripted by Ronald Harwood from his 1999 play, and marking Hoffman’s agreeably assured directorial debut, Quartet radiates much of the gentle drama and grown-up good humour of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, with especially nice turns from Billy Connolly as an ageing roué and the always brilliant Maggie Smith.

Theo Clinkard’s rousing new group work for six dancers and live piano brims with visceral and eloquent physicality. Ordinary Courage follows a community in repair and harnesses the capacity for movement and touch to communicate when words are not enough.

Dan Canham ‘s 30 Cecil Street is an eloquent, heartbreaking elegy for a lost and ruined theatre. A performance made from fragments of memories, of wild nights and long disappeared communities, it evokes the life of a once the mighty building and asks what is left when a theatre closes its doors to the public?

Frightened Rabbit, Saturday 16th February at The Fleece, Bristol. Tickets: £12.50 Frightened Rabbit, the soulful indie boys from Scotland have just realised their major label debut, Pedestrian Verse, which has been critically lauded for its brand of indie-folk. The brothers from Selkirk have been plying their trade since 2003 and this is not to be missed. Most likely your last chance to catch them in such a small venue as new single The Woodpile has been gaining them a rather large amount of support on Radio One. Delphic, Wednesday 20th February at Komedia, Bath.

Tickets: £7 Electro-rock/alternative dance outfit Delphic released their second album Collections after a successful 2012 which saw their single Good Life being chosen as one of Zane Lowe’s hottest records in the world and as one of the official singles of The Olympics.

Hyde Park on Hudson, from Monday 11th February at Little Theatre, Bath. Tickets: £5.50 Chronicling a pivotal historical moment, Hyde Park on Hudson, boasts a stellar Anglo-American cast led by the great Bill Murray as a sickly Franklin D. Roosevelt. King George VI (Samuel West) and the young Queen Elizabeth (Olivia Colman) visit the President to try to persuade him to bring America into World War Two. This wryly amusing film also examines FDR’s relationship with his tricky wife and his nascent romance with his cousin Margaret Suckley.

No, from Monday 11th February at Little Theatre, Bath.

Tickets: £5.50 Distinctively shot on old-fashioned three-strip video to evoke television reportage of the time, No explores the final days of the Pinochet regime through the eyes of two competing television companies canvassing for the ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ campaigns respectively in the crucial referendum that toppled the dictator.

Exhibtion: Matthew Houlding, Under the Black Sun of Joy, Friday 22nd February at ICIA Arts Space 1 & 2, Bath.

Tickets: FREE, but please register Matthew Houlding embraces the idea of Artist as Craftsman, dedicated to the synthesis of sculpture, architecture and painting and a belief that art is capable of offering new ideas and solutions in the pursuit of a brighter future.

The Affordable Arts Fair, Tuesday 19th February at The Arts Cafe, Komedia, Bath. Tickets: FREE Komedia’s monthly arts fair showcases a wide variety of art from the best artists working in the UK today. All pieces will be affordably priced with Artists showcasing a range of prints and some original Photographs, Graphic Designs, Illustrations and Paintings.

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Monday 11th February 2013

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Flash Fiction: A Nice Little Circle

www.bathimpact.com

written by Anonymous

Did you feel panicked at first?

Right now you’re doing nothing and you feel powerless, like it’s gone on too long and there’s no point doing anything to try and stop it. You’d just be swimming against the tide, or trying to walk upstream, or think of a fucking image that isn’t a cliché you half arsed ball of wank. You’re even failing at this. Why are you even trying to be Hemingway anyway, you’re not painting a pretty little picture you’re documenting the pathetic thing that you’ve become.

It’d be like climbing a wall of dicks, happy now? Good, so move the fuck on and get to the point before you give up at this too.

You’re feeling powerless, but why? You spent the last hour wondering what the fuck you’re going to do with your future when you fail these exams and have to drop out with a shit tonne of debt and no degree to show for it in an economy in which even people with a fucking physics masters can’t… breathe. Use your punctuation. This is the powerlessness, but what kickstarted it? It’s been three days and you’ve only crept out of your room when it doesn’t really sound like anyone is downstairs and only eaten about one meal a day. You’ve scarcely had any sleep, although you’ve barely left the bed, and you seem to be constantly staring at books. Just staring. When did it become so difficult to read? You’d think with this strict regime you’d have actually learned something, but when was the last time you actually understood what you just read about? When did you become so fucking dense? This was what you were supposed to good at. You could learn things and you could learn them pretty well. That was your thing. Other people could lift things, or run fast, or talk to people, or be able to drink copious amounts of alcohol and actually enjoy spending nights in a crowded, dark room full of awful music, awful people and awful amounts of regret. You could read things and understand them and turn them into good ideas and grades. You hated that it was your thing most of the time (gave that bitch a 71.4% average, bitches love 71.4% averages), but at least it was a fucking thing. When did you get so god damn useless?

Is this why you’re still doing nothing? Or did you do nothing first? Maybe you were doing nothing for a bit, just a tiny bit on a bad day and that made you feel guilty.

You watched an episode of some shitty sitcom you barely enjoy and then maybe you watched another and eventually it was the afternoon and you’d wasted the entire morning. You’d wasted the entire morning doing absolutely nothing. Do you know what some people get done by the time you’ve dragged your worthless self out of bed?

If you were going to waste it you could have at least done something productive. Watched a documentary, or practiced piano or, Jesus, read a fucking book, for once in your life. Then you just sat there feeling guilty. Guilty about your parents for covering the gap in your maintenance loan. Guilty about the people who paid their taxes so that you could even get a maintenance loan. Guilty about every kid who wanted a place here but didn’t get in only for you to sit in your bed and do nothing. Guilty that there are people who are dying everywhere and you’re not making any attempt to even improve yourself, let alone improve anything else.

What’s the point of you even being here? You’re basically just stealing oxygen. Drop out and save everyone some trouble.

Then the panic set in, because you’re not brave enough to drop out. We all know that. So what are you going to do? I mean you’re not going to do well in these exams and as you’ve been told every 6 months for the last 6 years, if you fuck up then wave goodbye to your future.

Every 6 months since you were about fifteen. Every 6 months someone new is giving you a lecture about how important these are, how much people expect from you and what you’ll have to do if you don’t meet these wonderful expectations. “Don’t think they’re pointless, people will look at your SAT scores”. “Did you know your GCSE’s will determine your entire future?” “You’re going to have to get at least 3A’s to get into a good university”. “A 2:1 from a respectable institution is rarely good enough anymore, companies are looking for something exceptional!” “Did you know that if you don’t get perfect marks in every exam from age 15 until your death you’ll constantly be searching for some person or institution to validate your existence in a world you mostly despise and it’ll ultimately just leave you feeling unfulfilled?”

Oh, wait.

How do other people do it? How can they not hate memorising a fact that in a few months

will be replaced by another fact that will also soon be forgotten? The person that discovered the original fact was probably a fucking genius. They could have worked their entire life to discover that fact. They could have died in the pursuit of the fact. That person is probably so much smarter than you or I, and yet we discard it as soon as we can. How do other people just accept that process? Accept that process and then accept that you then wake up one day and you’ve learnt and forgotten enough facts that you get a degree. Then you demonstrate to what is most likely to be an arrogant middle class white man that you’ve learnt these facts and promptly forgotten them and he offers you a job where you use a few of these facts over and over again for the rest of your life. Other people seem okay with this. Like, properly okay.

Not “false conscious let’s free the masses from the chains of capitalist oppression and bring down the system wearing masks we bought from a giant corporation” okay, but properly okay. Maybe even happy. Happy to wake up at 6am and get on a crowded bus full of loud, arrogant fucks to go through an exercise in pointlessness and then go home, go to sleep and do it again. Just, the fuck man? How are they happy? You know you shouldn’t and it only serves to create even more self-loathing, but you fucking hate that they’re happy. How are they okay with this? And “this” is something that you signed up for. “This” was a choice. High school sucks, it’s supposed to suck. Hundreds and thousands of people make careers in films, TV shows, books, albums and drug habits to document the fact that high school sucks. But you chose this, you are literally doing exactly what you thought you wanted to do and up until this point you were doing it well, and yet you’re still just… this.

This little ball of angst and anxiety, curled up in a quilt, wearing a hoodie that you refuse to wash because it still smells of someone who once made you happy whilst listening to Titus Andronicus (“You will always be a loser”). Isn’t this basically what you were doing five years ago? Is this literally what you are? What you will be? Telling yourself that tonight is the last night. That after a shower and a shave and a good night’s sleep you’ll be better. You’ll wake up at the first alarm and go to the lecture even though you can’t really see how it will help you in any real sense. Then you’ll do your work when it’s given to you, go for a jog and eat three square meals a day. You’ll watch some shit television and go to bed at a normal time rather than listen to sad folk songs for a new world order and hope you pass out at some time before 4am. How many times have you said that lately? How many times has it worked? How many more times will you say it?

Maybe everyone says it each night. Maybe everyone feels like this, although that’s even worse when you think about it. We’re all just really fucking miserable all the time and none of us say anything or change anything or take a cocktail of class A’s and throw a brick through a window.

Is this literally all there is?

Fucking great. Now you’re shaking and it feels like your high school football team is sitting on your chest while they take in turns to list all the embarrassing things you’ve done since you were twelve. Perfect. That’s just what we need right now.

Just stay in bed.

Monday 11th February 2013

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Selected Poems by Déjà Entendu www.bathimpact.com

Druggles

Red Velvet

Hold me ‘til the class As wear off,

In my favourite woollen scarf,

Talk until we fall.

And matching worn out gloves,

Kiss me as the sun comes up,

I’d never had red velvet cake,

Isn’t life a ball?

I’d never been in love.

I’ll watch you stare at our hands,

Sun on a window,

As our fingers intertwine.

In a place that was new.

We’ll feel the rhythm we both can’t hear

Sitting sipping coffee,

As you hand me the bottle of wine.

Sitting with you.

We are the young, we are the brave.

The road was unfamiliar,

The cowards getting old.

But the people polite.

The ones who couldn’t quite believe

The coffee cups were blue,

The stories they were told.

And the chairs were white.

We armed ourselves in arrogance,

I tried not to look up,

In knowledge we thought we could understand.

I tried to sip slow,

We kissed until the sun came up,

Speaking just to sound calm,

We danced without a band.

‘Don’t let your feelings show’.

I’m not sure, looking back, If I could call it love, But I know I like red velvet, And I still have holes in my gloves.

Artwork by Charm Duggan

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Monday 11th February 2013

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bite meets...

tara novak

www.bathimpact.com

W

e’re sitting inside a small changing room in the Bath Pavilion and it’s safe to say I’m rather nervous. It’s about 6pm, so doors haven’t opened yet but a rather sizeable crowd has already gathered outside who pretty closely resemble the man I’m about to interview. In dark jeans and a hoodie, Frank Turner doesn’t look quite the same as the man who a few months previously had started the Olympics Opening Ceremony. The Bath Pavilion is pretty much as far away from the Olympic Stadium as you could hope to get, but that’s kind of the point of this tour: “It’s been eighteen dates and we’ve been to a lot of places that we haven’t been to in a while and a few that we’ve never been to before. That was the idea of this tour was to get out to a few of those places that we’ve missed out as I’ve done quite a few of those short UK tours where you just basically do Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, London and maybe Bristol and then calling it a UK tour, and we wanted to do a proper one.”

Another interesting thing about this tour was the uncertainty of the set lists. Not only were a few new songs that were still to be released played by Frank and the Sleeping Souls, but also a few rarer classics such as Casanova Lament and To Take You Home: “Writing a set list is an art form in itself I think and you’re never going to please everybody. For example I know that there are a lot of people who’d love me just to play a few things off the first two records but then at the same time there’s a lot of people who don’t know those records and you’ve got to do your best to get a balance and make everybody happy. But yeah, we’ve definitely been trying to dig out some oldies.”

This current tour is part of the transition from the album that broke Frank into the public eye, England Keep My Bones, to the soon to be released Tape Deck Heart (22nd April on Xtra Mile

Records), which was recorded in Burbank last Autumn, the first time Frank had recorded an album outside the UK: “The fact the studio was in America was actually a bit of a stumbling block for me and it took some time before I was convinced it was a good idea. First of all because the music I make is self-consciously English and then it’s also such a cliché you know? British band goes to California and starts to become rubbish or turns American and we really didn’t want to do that. But I had the opportunity to work with this guy called Rich Costey [Muse, Nine Inch Nails, The Shins) who’s an amazing producer and he ain’t cheap either [laughs]. This is the first time I’ve had the resources to work with someone like that and he works in California so we went out to him. It was an amazing experience and the whole thing of it being in America didn’t really matter at all because when you’re there you’re in the studio for 15 hours a day not seeing sunlight so it’s not like the change is really going to affect the recording process”.

Two songs from the album have been released so far, the punk infused Four Simple Words and the more soulful Cowboy Chords, but many other songs have found their way onto YouTube and there seems to be quite a contrast between Tape Deck Heart and England Keep My Bones. As previously stated his earlier work was the album that well and truly established Turner in the mainstream of British music. With an album title taken from Shakespeare, The Life and Death of King John for any of you lit heads out there, it was a fantastic foray of Englishness with the “catchy as shit” (I believe that is the technical term) singles I Still Believe and Wessex Boy. Tape Deck Heart appears to be tackling new ground: “It’s not about England for a start [laughs]. I feel I’ve got that little subject out of my system I think. Lyrically I put a lot of ef-

fort into trying to write a really raw and exposed album. I think the problem with a lot of bands is that once they go on and become more successful, one of the reasons why they become less interesting is because they get too, sort of defensive, in that they start to think too much about how many people are going to start listening to what it is they make. They start to become a bit withdrawn as they think so many people are going to start listening to this that I’d better not say anything bad or too meaningful. So I tried really hard to do the opposite of that really and write the most raw and exposed stuff that I could.

“I think particularly Tell Tale Signs is one of those songs that now the creative period is done and I’m thinking about in terms of something to be released rather than something being written, well I’m going to be honest and say I’m a little nervous about that and some parts of the record because it’s really raw. It kind of doesn’t give me many places to hide after shall we say [laughs], but at the end of the day art shouldn’t be easy or comfortable and if you’re going to say something that’s worth saying then it’s not always going to be simple or comfortable.”

Another thing that makes this album slightly different is that it comes after Frank’s first foray into hardcore music since the end of Million Dead, the band that made his name back in the early 2000s. The last time I saw Frank play before tonight’s gig was in a crowded sweaty lock up tent at Reading Festival in which a shirtless and incredibly energetic Turner tore through an aggressive set of hardcore with new band Mongol Horde. I honestly can’t remember being in a more brutal crowd, the fact Turner spent half the gig on top of or in the crowd screaming angry political lyrics produced this infectious energy that apart from Scroobius Pip’s 45 minutes in the tiny Alternative Tent, much of the festival had been lacking:

Monday 11th February 2013

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Frank Turner

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Erik Weiss

www.bathimpact.com

“

It [the new album] kind of doesn’t give me many places to hide after shall we say, but at the end of the day art shouldn’t be easy or comfortable and if you’re going to say something that’s worth saying then it’s not always going to be simple or comfortable.

“That was fun, but it was very tiring [laughs]. I learned very quickly that I’m not twenty one years old anymore and it was just utterly, utterly draining. But it was really fun and I enjoyed playing heavy music again. I tend to think about every last detail of what I do now and it was liberating because most of the lyrics for Mongol Horde were just the first thing that came to my head [for a brilliant example listen to Tapeworm Uprising] and it was good to just not give a fuck and think, “ah bollocks, just do it”. It’s kind of reminded me of the value of spontaneity to the process and I think with what I’m doing now I’m just trying to free things up a little.

“That was also the music and culture I grew up in and I’ve probably got more heavy guitar records than any other style in my music collection and I love that kind of music. I also just really wanted to play with Ben Dawson again. We played together for a long time in Million Dead and other bands before that and I kind of just missed playing with him.

“Hopefully [we can release an album soon], it depends really. There’s a problem in that there’s going to be a long period of time in 2013 when I’m going to be off doing promo and away from home, so hopefully during that period Matt and Ben will be able to work together and record the music for the album and then I’ll work on lyrics and vocals to be recorded at some other time. I think we’ll get an album out next year and I really want to tour too, but as and when we’ll actually have time to do that is a different question. But it’s definitely something that I want to do”.

If you go away and listen to Cowboy Chords and Tapeworm Uprising you’ll appreciate my curiosity in the question of whether or not it was difficult to get back into the swing of hardcore vocals: “You know I thought it was going to be but it actually wasn’t particularly straining. The one thing I would say though is that I wouldn’t want to do a Mongol Horde show and then do one of my Sleeping Souls shows the next day because it does kind of tear me up a bit. But I was pleasantly surprised by getting back into a raw and heavy sound, it was good.”

If The Pavilion is as far from The Olympics stadium as possible, then similarly Mongol Horde are pretty much as far away from playing the Olympics as it’s possible to be, which again makes Turner’s 2012 (he also headlined a sold out Wembley Arena) all the more remarkable: “Yeah it’s been a mad year. Wembley is the boring but probably correct answer [to the question what was his highlight?], that was quite the event. Then the Olympics thing was certainly remarkable, and I’m not sure it was my favourite thing that I did, it was very weird and I’m glad I did it because it’s such an unusual thing to have on your list of life experiences and it was really strange and bizarre. As an actual gig it was really odd but it was fun to do.

“It turns out that Danny Boyle is a big fan and we, me and my management, got called saying would we like to come and have a meeting with Danny Boyle which was like, “um, ok, fine”, and then we met with him and he asked me to do what we did and yeah it was very surreal. He’s like a real fan and he knows the album tracks and all the b-sides so that was very weird, but in a good way.”

At this point I’ve pretty much exhausted my ten minutes, but there’s just enough time to ask about his favourite albums of 2012 and any of the bands he’s toured with abroad (and that’s a lot, on the date of print Turner has played at least 1347 shows since 2005 and played in 34 countries, the man is a machine) that he’d love to bring over to the UK: [On Albums] “This will be a little boring in a way as I’m about to mostly pick people that I’ve toured with, but my album of the year is definitely Jim Lockey’s record, Death, which is great. Tim Barry’s new one called 40 Miller is great as well. Franz Nicolay’s Do the Struggle I really enjoyed and the new Converge record too.

Converge are just consistently one of my favourite bands and they just maintain the highest standards.

[On Tours] “Loads actually, it’s just difficult because there’s only so many tours that I’ve got over here. I really want to bring The Smith Street band over from Australia, Larry and His Flask who I toured with in the states were just a truly remarkable live band, one of the best I’ve ever seen and then Cory Branan as well.

I always try and bring new people out if I can so I don’t repeat myself.”

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Monday 11th February 2013

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The social media music revolution

www.bathimpact.com

s the old adage goes, in music and life generally, it’s not what you know but who you know that counts.

Musicians and their record companies have long worked out that this can work both ways, by creating a large loyal fan base that will stick with a musician throughout their career, musicians will have an almost guaranteed source of income from the sale of merchandise, tickets to live performance and, of course, the music. A cynic would say that most record companies treat many fan-bases as cash cows to be squeezed for all the profit they can afford and for sure, some exploitation of fans definitely goes on but at the end of the day, even musicians need to earn a living, right? Record companies, the clever bastards, know that it is fan interaction that creates and maintains a large and strong fan base.

In the days of yore (AKA pre-internet) official fan clubs were the only real form of fan interaction, unless you were a groupie, which involves another type of interaction altogether, one which many musicians seem happy to engage in even for no profit. By joining a fan club, a person might expect a regular update as to what the musicians were up to in the form of a newsletter, an actual real letter, remember them? Fans might also get advance notice of new album and single releases and of upcoming live appearances. Of course much of this material wasn’t actually from the band, sure they had some input, but it was mainly created and edited by the record labels in order to drum up as much interest in the musician as possible, with the aim of getting fans to part with their hard earned cash. But then the Internet, specifically Twitter and Facebook, happened.

Social media allowed fans access and insight into the day-to-day lives of our favorite musicians. We suddenly knew what they were having for lunch and that they had ‘not much on’ at the weekend. It humanised musicians and virtually ended the notion that musicians were omnipotent gods to be revered and whose lives we could never dream of having. Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing is up for debate. Perhaps it has encouraged the detachment a lot of people have with their music. To follow or like a musician take no effort on our part, we place no personal investment in following bands or singers, so we feel no loss in discarding them and moving on to the next musical sensation. Equally though, new and small bands can gather a large following quickly, as clicking a button to follow is hardly any skin of anyone’s back. Carly Rae Jepson’s ‘Call Me Maybe’ was released for months with little attention paid to it before Justin Beiber heard it on the radio by chance and tweeted about it and it became the best selling single of 2012.

The advent of the Internet came with a new music industry buzz word; viral. Viral music represents a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for record companies. The instant availability of music from YouTube and Spotify allows songs to go from unknown to super hit within the space of hours and endower the artist with instant fame, just ask Psy. Of course, the ultimate fan interaction comes with going to see a musician live. A live performance is where a fan can really connect and bond with a musician, I’m strongly of the opinion that you can’t really appreciate most music until you’ve seen the whites of the singer’s eyes mid-song.

Unfortunately in the world where everyone is apparently out to hurt everyone, large bands and super star signers feel the need to perform 25 metres away from their fans as if in fear that a member of the audience, who have paid often-outrageous amounts of money to see their idols, may touch them. It was so refreshing to see a distinctly average indie band, Peers, perform a set at Moles recently and then jump straight off the stage to get to the bar, where they spent the rest of the evening chatting to their fans. This sort of behaviour by musicians, direct, real life interaction with their fans, shouldn’t be the exception to the rule. It should be the norm.

sam_stott

A

written by Robert Page

MC Lars, purveyor of post-punk laptop rap, was one of the pioneers of social media in the music industry

Monday 11th February 2013

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Album Review: Biffy Clyro & Foals

www.bathimpact.com

written by Lily Morris

written by Alex Philpotts

Opposites is the sixth album from Scotland-based Biffy Clyro, who hit the big time with Puzzle in 2007. Yet their journey hasn’t been as straightforward as it could have been.

Due to the problems that Ben, their drummer, was having with alcohol, for a while it looked as though the album wouldn’t be made and the band would break down.

The first disc, The Sand at the Core of Our Bones, is about the struggles in the band’s past. It opens with a spine-chilling chord and the accents we know and love. Unfortunately, the first track is in patches mixed oddly so that it is difficult to hear the lyrics.

Those we can hear, however, are darkly poetic and with huge potential for drunken sing-alongs. There are also numerous opportunities for air guitar competitions – and even air harp playing with Sounds Like Balloons.

My favourite track from the first disc, though, is Black Chandelier. It’s perfect for those moments when you just want to feel totally badass and beat whatever the world throws at you. Another favourite is Biblical, which is a tragic love song. That it’s all in the past tense makes it tiring to listen to; the song tugs at your heart strings. If anyone can listen to the whole of the first disc without crying, I’ll… bake you some chocolate brownies. I was in tears.

The Land At The End Of Our Toes is the second disc, and begins with the appropriately titled The Thaw. It’s more positive than the first disc, and about sticking together and feeling like you can achieve anything you want to. Lots of the songs start off feeling very anthemic but then, unfortunately, fail to live up to expectations and end up quite repetitive. Overall, though, the songs on this disc are far more upbeat than on disc 1, and this is the disc to put on while getting ready to go out, or on the last part of a run.

This album is fantastic, all in all. Disc one is perfect for those days when you’re mad at the world, while disc two is great for when you feel like you can do anything you want to. Biffy Clyro, doing what they do best.

Antidotes was a quirky debut for Foals. It was rammed with catchy little riffs and beeps and whistles to the extent that it was often indecipherable, but rewarded the dedicated listener. They stripped it all back for the slow-building follow up “Total Life Forever”, which lacked the charm of the original, but introduced the surging epic Spanish Sahara to their catalogue. Now its three and a half years later and Foals have completely reinvented their sound yet again. It’s smarter, it’s angrier and it’s downright funkier.

I could honestly take or leave the instrumental opener Prelude, and the same goes for a select few of the later tracks, which drift towards the weaker, self-indulgent end of their spectrum. Beyond the first track, however, the math-rockers from Oxford explode into very possibly their finest musical construction to date. Inhaler, the album’s first single, is a fresh sound. It takes a ruthlessly confident approach to what is essentially the closest Foals will ever come to a dance number. Veering erratically between crashing riffs and angry vocals that relentlessly tear at singer Yannis’ lungs, it’s a tremendous effort that is as memorable for its intelligence as for its sheer strength. My Number is excellent in itself. It supplements the catchy lyrics that Inhaler, for all its impressiveness, lacks.

Sadly, the album lets up a little from thereon in, else we’d be talking of Foals’ second contender for the Mercury Prize. Instead, while Everytime and Late Night are enjoyable at the time, they lack anything to distinguish them from the filler tracks on either of Foals’ two previous albums. Bad Habit is a solid piece of music, but the only track on the latter part of the album that matches the intelligent rock the singles exhibit is Milk & Black Spiders, which throws their debut album’s electronic sounds and rhythmic chanting back in classy mix.

The tail end of the record kicks off promisingly with Providence bringing back a little bit of the funk, but ultimately doesn’t deliver on quite the same scale of the openers. The final track, Moon, should have been the blowout finale to cement Foals’ angry new sound, but instead withers away with easily the album’s least imaginative bleeps and whirrs. Straight out of the bag that originally made them great, but nothing to interest old fans or win over new ones.

Live Review: Frank Turner & TSS written by Robert Cole

A one armed Elvis is outlined in the beam of the backlight, casting shadows over the intermittent sight of grown men and women in animal costumes blaring out rousing harmonica solos at various points during a tumultuous show. The party atmosphere of this end of tour celebration infused with more than a healthy dose of the spirit of rock and roll. It’s nights like this that give reason to believe there is some resistance to the all-devouring maw of the industry’s plastic machine.

Frank Turner, supported more than ably by up and coming Cheltenham folk-rock group, Jim Lockey and the Solemn Sun, and the honest lyricism of Tim Barry, came to inspire the congregation that is his dedicated fan-base and, backed by his well-travelled band, the Sleeping Souls, did so with uplifting and raucous energy to light up what was an incredibly cold night at the Pavilion.

This was a performance that truly propelled the crowd into the stratosphere. What has been notable in recent tours is how much the Sleeping Souls have come to the fore, tightening up their chemistry, really taking Frank’s blend of folk, punk and rock and roll to a new level, and rendering gigs as much about them as Frank. This new found drive was evident on opener I Am Disappeared, crowd pleasers The Road, Reasons Not To Be An Idiot and, probably most strikingly of all, new song Plain Sailing Weather, a hard hitting lament to the

futility of relationships.

One thing that became apparent through the set was the darker and yearning quality that emerged not only from the set-list, but Frank’s mannerisms on stage. Rarities such as Casanova Lament, Isabel and To Take You Home were delivered with an unmistakeable yearning from Frank, and undeniable sense of loss and feeling of what might have been in not only the subject matter, but the haunted longing in his eyes, raised to the sky. But the crowd empathised and these songs gained the greatest reception of the night.

What is striking about Frank is his ability to completely hold an audience in the palm of his hand, to be completely at ease telling intimate stories, and dictating the tempo of the gig, sensing when to lower the intensity and then turn it up back up, leaving the crowd rolling on a wave of raw and unfettered joy and energy. Left drained by the storming closer that is Photosynthesis and Dan’s Song, I cannot help but be reminded of Bruce Springsteen, in his penchant for storytelling, his unbridled joy at doing what he loves and sharing it with an audience, completely at ease on stage, and his ability to command a feeling of reverence amongst the congregation before him. He may never achieve the mainstream achievements of Springsteen, but, in Frank’s own words, is that important ‘as long as you’re living and you’re having fun?’ On nights like this, it’s hard not to agree with him.

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Monday 11th February 2013

New Year, New Wardrobe, New You

Filigree Metal Hoop Earrings, Urban Outfitters £12

Dasiy Skater Dress, Miss Selfridge £42

Slip Carvella Kurt Geiger in Taupe £140 down to £39 Polo Neck Long Sleeve Crop Top, TOPSHOP £12

bite www.bathimpact.com

Monday 11th February 2013

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A

Written by Sophia Guilfoyle

s students our lives can sometimes be stressful, our minds muddled, and our stress levels over the edge. But it’s the beginning of a bright new semester and it’s time to clear your mind, starting with cleaning out your closet. And so, the first fashion resolution is to have a big clear out; chuck away the old and the tatty, and if you delve deep enough into the back of your wardrobes you may even find some hidden treasures that had been long forgotten. We, the student race, are destined to be permanently strapped for cash so eBay is a god-send, especially for selling those ‘panic-buy’ items that you really didn’t want, but you bought just because you needed to buy something (normally to justify going all the way to Oxford Street). And if you cannot make any money from your unwanted clothes do not forget to donate to Charity Shops which beats sending clothes to land-fill any day.

This brings us on to the second resolution; be a penny pincher (well, when it comes to buying clothes anyway).

Charity shops are a fantastic way to save money whilst still grabbing high street and designer brands – from Topshop dresses to Russell and Bromley loafers (yes, honestly!), anything is possible if you keep your eyes peeled. Lucky for us there are almost an unlimited number of charity shops in Bath and Eleanor Calver (our model) is a huge fan of them. She asked for a sewing machine for Christmas and saves her pennies by buying and altering her clothes from these bargain shops. Eleanor bagged her whole outfit from charity shops, equipped with an eye for style she shows how easy it is to update your wardrobe with cheap high-street brands for just a fraction of the price. Her simply stylish black polo neck, originally from Kookai, cost Eleanor just four pounds. But the bargains don’t stop there; Eleanor’s whole outfit (including ZARA wedges) cost her a mere fifteen pounds! She spends more on staple jewellery which keeps her style playful and on trend; her hoop earrings are from Laura Ashley and her bracelet from Topshop. Charity shops are a fantastic resource for staple pieces but keep your eye out for fashionable items too, the print of Eleanor’s dress is very on trend this season.

And now to the boys, and the third resolution! Whilst it is great idea to save pennies when buying fashionable items to keep your wardrobe up-to-date be sure to make time for investment buying. A key piece of advice is to buy long-lasting, quality items that will serve you year after year. Admittedly, charity shops cater mainly for women – but after all we do buy (and need) more clothes! Fear not though, it is vital to have staple items and for the blokes, these are best found on the high-street. Rob Wilson (model) shows off his easy-going style with simple high street investments. The snapback cap adds individuality to his style and the denim jacket is the perfect way to keep warm with the transition from wintery weather into warmer days. Everyone needs a sturdy pair of brogues and ASOS have certainly delivered with these. Rob’s t-shirt is from All Saints which can sometimes be a pricey brand, but for only £20, why not? Rob shows off his everyday, stylish look that is incredibly easy to achieve if you know where to look.

Lafayete Tonic Scoop, Urban Outfitters £38

Reclaimed Vintage Denim Jacket with Borg Collar, ASOS £60

Models: Eleanor Calver and Rob Wilson PS by Paul Smith Miller Brogues, ASOS £255

Blue and Red Snapback Cap, TOPMAN £12

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Monday 11th February 2013

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Sex Column: Manning up

www.bathimpact.com

moriza

written by bite’s sex columnist

V

alentine’s Day is back again. Maybe you’ll ask someone out, last year maybe you didn’t. If you did maybe they liked you, maybe they didn’t. Maybe they tried to hack your head off with a blunt knife. If they did like you then I hope their ceiling is nice.

As part of this issue’s theme of resolution, this goes out to those of you who perhaps weren’t so lucky. If this is you then cancel your subscription to that German Fetish website and pay attention.

I will find you love. Not personally, that would be weird. Generally, like a boss.

Dating is all about confidence. A potential partner will not like someone who ums and ahs when asked a question. It only worked in Four Weddings and a Funeral because that was a film. Even if you are not a confident person naturally, you can put it on. Relax. When you see a potential suitor, try to make eye contact. If they insult you through the medium of a hand gesture, it’s not going to work. If they vomit, it’s not going to work. However if they return your stare, it may possibly work.

Don’t get ahead of yourself; we’ve still got a long way to go. Once eye contact is established, hold it briefly then look away. Do not hold it for more than that. Long stares can lead to a bad reputation, extensive crying and potentially a lengthy prison sentence where you will be using this guide to find a prison bitch.

After a minute or so, look again. If they look back and hold the stare. You’re in! Look away again then begin to walk over. If you notice someone else walking in the same direction as you, they are most likely the desired one, not you. If this happens bail out and pretend to tie your shoe, then commando roll and high tail it out of there. Hopefully this won’t happen and you will then be ready to talk to them. “Hello,” is usually good here, “I like your tits,” or “I bet you could crush my head with your biceps,” are not. If they return your ’hello’ then you have a chance. Any sort of swearing here, or perhaps the word ‘off’ or ‘away’, you don’t. Ask their name and tell them yours. Remember their name. I cannot stress this enough. People called Jane do not like to be called John. If you can’t remember their name, how are you going to remember what they like in bed? It’s the little things.

Make sure you remember your name too. It happens.

Offer to buy them a drink if you’re in a bar. If you are in Boots do not offer to buy anything. If a stranger offered you Paracetamol or shower gel you would be worried.

Act naturally; ask them lots of questions about their hobbies, occupation, likes and dislikes. Pretend to be interested. Laugh in the right places. Sad stories; don’t cry, you’ve only just met them.

Remember, this is not a police interrogation. Don’t ask them where they live or where they were last night at 2200 hrs, you may be the one being interrogated if you do. By the police.

Then hopefully, you can ask for their number. Say you have to leave and that you’ve enjoyed their company and would like to see them again. This will prompt them to suggest giving you their number or alternatively giving them a chance to fob you off.

Once you have their number, smile at them, say it was really nice to meet them and that you’ll see them soon. Do not hug them or kiss them on the cheek. They’re not a prostitute. This is, hopefully, a normal person but nevertheless a stranger. Good things come to those who wait. Like Guinness.

You have done it. Congratulations. Wait a day or two, then call their number and you are on the way to building a wonderful relationship. Alternatively you could be on the way from ordering a rather disappointing Chicken Tikka Massala.

Agony Aunts: Lucy and Edie You want that don’t you? You want that sweet, sweet happiness. Well read and learn!

Dear Lucy and Edie, I know New Year’s resolutions are generally known for being way too optimistic and impossible to stick to, so I thought I’d set myself attainable resolutions for once.

The thing is, I can’t think of any resolutions I could actually stick to. Any ideas?

Ross

Dear Ross, We feel your pain. Endless resolutions of giving up alcohol and avoiding men who are bad for us always seem to end in tequila-fueled groping sessions down that alley by XL. Oh well. A new year, a new start. We love the idea of resolutions that you can actually keep, so here are our top three suggestions: • Resolution One: gain a lot of weight. This is a good resolution to make because it’s pretty vague.

You can gain as much or as little as you want, depending on how many drunk-kebabs you like to end a night with. Plus, it involves eating, which is always fun. See in 2014 weighing ten stone more than you do now and you’re sorted.

• Resolution Two: experiment. This gives you a lot of options: cross-dressing, quitting university or perhaps a foray into a same-sex night of passion that ends in a week of crying, eating too much (see Resolution One) and complete confusion over your sexuality. One night doesn’t make you gay, right?

• Resolution Three: abstain from having sex. If you’re a Fresher you can probably ignore this because you’re all too busy getting busy. But as a more, dare I say it, ‘mature’ student no longer in first year, it’s highly likely that you’re going through a dry spell. Even if you’re in a relationship, there’s still not that much time to spare for anything wild. University actually requires work, lectures have to be attended and life is no longer one, big, drug-infused party. So chances are you’ve mellowed slightly and aren’t getting it five times a week anymore, making this resolution easy to stick to. And the best thing is, if you do get laid, you might be breaking a resolution but you’re probably having more fun. So it’s a win-win situation for your mental state and your penis/ vagina/ whatever you have down there.

Good luck, Lucy and Edie

Dear Lucy and Edie, I’m a final-year mature male student of thirty-eight, which I know might not be relatable to many of your readers, but I really need your help. I haven’t had sex yet. At all. Not even with an inflatable doll or the more accomodating types of fruit. At the risk of going all Steve Carell on you, I don’t want to be a forty-year-old-virgin.

Yours, A very ashamed man with a huge right arm and an internet history filthier than a homeless person’s toenails Dear man who must be very unbalanced and needs to learn about incognito-browsing (thank you Google Chrome), This is a tricky situation to be in. Oh. Oh wait. No. It’s not. Man up.

Despite what we said about it being tricky to get any action when you’re no longer a firstyear, it’s not really that hard. Unless you’re unattractive, shy, poor and lacking in the penisdepartment. If you don’t tick any of those boxes, get in contact with us privately. Please. We are no longer first years either and it’s been a dry winter. However, if you are struggling, you have several options. Spread a rumour about how well endowed you are. Pay a few people to brag loudly in public areas about how amazing you are in bed. Instagram seductive, naked selfies and post them on Facebook. Write statuses about how hard it is to find underwear big enough for your junk to fit in. Sigh loudly whilst stood in Fresh and complain about the fact that Durex doesn’t make size XXXXL condoms. The ladies will come flocking to you. Choose one. Or two, may as well make the first time special. Then there’s nothing left to do but take Viagra, act like the guy from that porno with the broken photocopier that you’ve bookmarked and go wild.

Have fun and stay safe, Lucy and Edie

Monday 11th February 2013

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Resolutions:Healthy eating www.bathimpact.com

written by Lily Morris

Ready Meals

No time, no problem!

Eating more healthily is a part of many people’s New Year’s Resolutions, but when there are so many other things to do, is it any wonder that prepping veg and healthy soups often falls by the wayside?

Here are my top three ways to eat that little bit healthier:

So most of the healthy eating crowd will be shocked at this one, but you know what? There are some days when you just want to curl up on the sofa with a ‘ping’ meal, and it helps you feel good about it (and allow yourself more Ben & Jerry’s afterwards…) if it’s as not-unhealthy as possible. My secret tip is this: Sainsbury’s Basics ready meals. Because they’re so cheap, they’re slightly smaller than most ready meals, meaning that the portion size is much better than lots of the over-big meals. Also, they tend to have the ingredients you would use at home, with only a few extra additives. The best trick with these is to always have one in the freezer. Try them. You can thank me later.

Parsnip Chips Everyone likes chicken nuggets and chips as comfort food at the end of a long day, and, frankly, this is when we start to fall off the wagon of healthy eating.

I recently discovered this small modification that you can make to any meal with chips and it’s wonderful.

Mindblowingly, these are both healthier and yummier than standard chips. Steak frites, coming up!

1

Grab two parsnips per person (three per rugby player, maybe) and peel them

2

Chop away the head and tail, and cut what remains into chip-sized pieces, making sure no piece is too thick

4

Heat the oven to 200˚ and place tray in oven for twenty minutes

3

1

Place frozen meal in microwave and wait alotted time before consuming

Lay out the pieces in a baking tray of your choice and douse with oil and your favorite flavourings (I like to use paprika or maybe garlic)

Everything with Veg Another way of doing this is with peppers. I am addicted to red peppers. They’re expensive, I know. I ask forgiveness.

Anyway, these (and many other fruits) work well in pretty much every meal. Depending on whether you want them more cooked or more juicy and fresh, you can chuck them in with the onions at the start of a curry (for example) or just before serving with pasta and tuna. Adding fruit in the mix is a great way to enhance the usual boring meal. Delicious.

Not quite such a quick fix as the parsnip chips, but still simple. All you’ll need is your standard set of meals, and a packet of frozen veg. It’s so easy and it’s a great way to up your intake of green vegetables!

1 2 3

Select your choice of fresh or frozen veggies (consider peas and broccoli)

1 2

Add your selection of veggies into your regular meal that involves liquid (pasta and curry are an example)

Select your choice of fruits as an alternative to veggies

Chop up and add to the main meal in the end for texture and a boost of unique flavor

Or, pair your seasoned chicken breast with some veggies by boiling them in advance

bite tries the new KitKat Chunky flavours

“

The most pretentious chocolate bar I’ve ever met” Professor Science

“

It was nice the first time, but not nice the second” Helen Edworthy

“

The not rubbish one. A refreshing wafery breeze through your face” Professor Science

“

It’s like bounty, but shit” Liv Hows

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Monday 11th February 2013

Puzzle Corner

Across 1. Dark beer that’s had all its ingredients roasted (5) 3. Even David Beckham can spell this beer (5) 7. Bath Ales’ crowning jewel (3) 10. A tasty ale named after a small orc that enjoys to cook (9) 12. Mexican beer best served with citrus side (6) 13. The American counterpart of the Czech Republic’s favourite drink (9) 14. Without Micheal (3,6) 16. Flyweight brew from the Rockies (5,5) 18. A type of beer fermented and conditioned at low temperatures (5) 19.Beer that takes its name from the Dutch river that used to provide the water for its brewing (6)

Kakuro

Down 2. This stripy brew often feels at home in the jungle (5) 4. Chris Brown’s favourite drink (6,6) 5. The second most popular beer in Italy (6) 6. Honestly, the world’s worst beer (7) 8. Beer that shares its birth year with the Great Plague of London (11) 9. A hearty bitter that hides behind a very generic name (4,6) 11. Pretty much the only reason anyone cares about Ireland (8) 15. The Australian brew that really isn’t from down under (7) 16. Sounds a lot like a certain Norwegian cheese (9) 17. Beer not dissimilar to a retro mobile phone game (5)

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Horoscopes www.bathimpact.com

 Aquarius January 21 - February 19

You’re another year older this month, but let’s face it, you’re still a bit shit aren’t you



Pisces

February 20 - March 20

It’s a new year so set yourself some goals!

Aim low though or your next horoscope will mostly be disappointment

 Aries

March 21 - April 20 You’re really humble. Go out of your way to make sure everyone knows just how humble you are.

 Taurus

April 21 - May 20

Luckily for you, 2013 is set to be the year that robotics advances to include friends and fuck buddies

Sudoku

 Gemini

The object of a Kakuro is to insert a digit from 1 to 9 into each white cell so that the sum of the numbers in each row or column matches the clue associated with it (above or to the left of the row or column). No digit can be duplicated in any sum. Enjoy!

May 21 - June 20

I’m annoyed at you. Yes you my friend who’s a Gemini. Yes, you Matt. I know you’ve got my bike

 Cancer

June 21 - July 21

Fletch, make Matt give my bike back

Bridges

 Leo

July 22 - August 22 No matter how bad things get, you can always blame Nick Clegg

 Virgo

August 23 - September 22

There’s always a silver lining. For example every bad day is a day closer to John Terry’s death

 Libra

September 23 - October 22 New year, new you! Masturbate with your other hand



Sagittarius

November 22 - December 21

Remember, you’re not arrogant. Everyone else is just wrong

 Capricorn  Scorpio

December 22 - January 20

October 23 - November 21

Darius N. www.gonescribbling.tumblr.com

Now this is essential. DO NOT FUCK WITH THE WU TANG CLAN Are you guys still seriously reading these? I gave up weeks ago