brought to you by bathimpact Issue 3
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Wednesday 24th September 2014
01225 386 151
mintyfresh highlights Quote of the night “I want peace in the Middle East so bad right now. It would be good and it would rhyme” Min, Marlborough, whose rhymes could be likened to those of MC Surrey. Pick it up freshers!
Tinder lines
Lost in the Paddy fields
“How heavy is a polar bear?...
mintyfresh can be harsh, having to see you all being young and loving life takes its toll. So it’s wonderful when we can tap into those tingly feels and write a human interest story. Paddy (pictured), the Irish heartthrob, was found destitute and alone outside the SU. He stumbled upon three loving women from Solsbury who fed him, bathed him and clothed him. Now he lives under their table, emerging occasionally for a scratch behind the ears and a shot of vodka. Meandering home last night, Manny from Q2 remembered Bible Studies and decided to love his neighbours. He picked Q5, and having realised he was too sweaty to love them, decided to take a shower. Nature called whilst he was washing off tonight’s shame and he vacated his bowels everrrrrrrrywhere. After this he sensibly realised he needed his bed, however he still hadn’t realised he was in the wrong house and a very surprised Q5er had to tempt a
“You remind me of Medusa, because you make me hard”
naked Manny out of the room at 3am. You had good intentions Manny, but the execution, well; let’s just say nudity and faecal matter aren’t traditional gifts. Following on from last night’s tribal animosities, some Eastwood marauders attempted to bridge some divides and cook Polden a full English breakfast. We assumed that anyway, as when the Poldenites woke up there were beans, ketchup and eggs all over their social space. Another endearing Eastwood fresher was more successful in her peace attempts by flashing the Quads whilst riding a wheely chair. However, her olive branch snapped when she tumbled over the chair, creating conflicting feelings for everyone involved. Alternatively, a different group of Eastwood freshers decided to continue their class war by invading the Quads and making off with their bourgeois beanbags in an act of vandalism that Marx would have been proud of, but we at
mintyfresh Towers must condemn. Brendon Court, not content with SU planned events, engaged in Tokyo Drift come Wacky Races style wheely chair races. Whilst we heard rumours of gambling, cigars and pimping, you guys decided to focus on drinking and racing. We’re not really sure who won, but we assume the ‘Dastardly Dick’ of the block might find his mut..ley. Following up from MC Surrey from the weekend, we met A$AP Charlie in Quads last night. He equalled Surrey in his delusion that middle class Bath students could dabble in grime, but impressively managed to be even more shit. Still, we want to see an 8 Mile rap battle between you two and us. Tomorrow, the SU, 1pm! Be there or be a dick. Here’s our remix of the remix of Ignition to start: “It’s mintyfresh out the kitchen, All the freshers be reading, We got them giggling and laughing, at all the jokes we be cracking”. Brap brap!
Lighter than you...” Insensitive Marlburian
mintyfresh appreciates this freshers connection to Aquae Sulis.
Tweet of the night “Cold kebab is not good. But I’m drunk so I’ll eat it because money waste is practically a crime” ... 3 minutes later “I DROPPED MY PHONE IN MY KEBAB” @HyperactiveSam The dangers of tweeting and eating...
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So...do you come here often?
Like soldiers heading over the parapet faced with their imminent slaughter, hundreds of hungover freshers marched admirably to their inevitable death by boredom. Induction day is a tradition for new students, a way to ease you into the monotonous drone of lectures until you realise you don’t actually have to go to them (you do, but then you
don’t, but then you do…mostly). Our advice: pass the time with the ‘induction’ bingo drinking game (soft drink alternatives yada yada); one for each mention of ‘Students’ Union’, ‘We’ve won an award’ or ‘More than just a bar’, bonus points for a hungover SU Officer chundering on the front row and any particularly sultry eye contact.
Or just don’t go: you literally have no obligation to, you may look like school kids but you’re ‘adults’ now (eurgh scary taxes! Remembering to buy toilet paper! Wearing matching socks!). We at mintyfresh often struggle to make friends. We aren’t sure why as we think we’re lovely, aesthetically pleasing and intelligent folk, but apparently taking invasive pictures of freshers and making jokes about their embarrassing moments alienates people (you guys are squares). With this in mind we decided to visit the “Speed Friending” event in the hope of finding people to hold us while we weep softly into bottles of Tesco Value vodka, but were disappointed to encounter an empty room. A few hopeful freshers wandered in and sheepishly left upon realising there were no other freshers, crew or captains there. I’m sure people who were already nervous about making friends were thrilled to encounter a completely empty room, bet
Fresher of the Night It’s Back to the Future tonight, but not wanting to push the flux capacitor to the limit our organisers settled for the last sixty years. However Andre from Eastwood, whose ego transcends time and space, said fuck it. He didn’t want to dress like 1960, but found a loophole, dressing as a Roman Centurion from AD60. Apparently Emperor Tiberius’s economic
Today’s timetable
policy probably secured Roman supremacy for almost 200 years, who knew? Who cares? Not wanting to break character, Andre told us that he wanted to fight in the amphitheatre with a vegetarian because “if you don’t like meat, you don’t like me”. We’re still not sure if he is incredibly stupid or a genius. Actually, he’s almost definitely an idiot.
it made them feel super good. 10/10 again organisers. From there we wandered over to the postgrad BBQ in the hope of some snacks and conversation, but were again met with tumbleweed. We thought we’d try some of the slowly sizzling sausages, but then thought maybe the event had been advertised slightly incorrectly and it was a barbecuing of PGs rather than a barbecue for them. mintyfresh aren’t crying Sweeney Todd here, all we’re saying is there were lots of sausages and not many PGs. Our best investigative journalists are on the case though; we won’t rest until we know whether or not the University are barbecuing students and serving them to you! Keen not to commit any actual crimes this year, we were pleased to have the opportunity to imagine committing a few at the Freshers’ murder mystery. We couldn’t break any of their characters, but we’re pretty sure the fatty did it.
Hall of the Night When mintyfresh look at the Quads, we think strip club; it’s just that the mood lighting gives the distinct impression of an orgy just waiting to happen… but despite the obvious disadvantage of living in an imitation Duran Duran music video Quads Acer actually threw a pretty good party. Apart from their flat screen TVs, gourmet kitchens, trust funds and en-
Sports Day
Comedy Walk
Film Soc Film Night
Parade
City centre
‘Up’ East Building 1.1
11:00-16:00
19:30-21:30
20:00-23:00
PG Holburne Pizza & Board Museum visit Games
SciFi Soc Film Night
Holburne Museum
Student Centre
‘Paul’ 5W 2.1
14:30-17:00
20:00-00:00
20:00-23:00
suite bedrooms, the Quads are a pretty down to earth people, but they are proud of the one thing of: their battle cry. “Do you have mood lighting? No didn’t think so. What do you call Woodland? Shit. Who is shit? Woodland!” Ok, it’s the same chant as every other hall, but when they say Woodland are shit, you really believe it. Prove those over-privileged bastards wrong Woodland!
Safari Night with Tinchy Stryder Founders Hall
22:00 - 02:00