Issue 6
Friday/Saturday 28th September 2012
Stop calling us
mintyfresh highlights Best quotes “The Telegraph can suck it, we love mintyfresh” Endearing sycophant, Marlborough. “That’s not grinding it’s just good, solid fun.” mintyfresh Editor-in-Chief
It’s finally fucking over When mintyfresh gets drunk, we chuck on some Shakira and dance like its 1999. When people from Westwood get drunk, they commit petty crime. The cheeky rogues have a particular fetish for keys, and every night endeavour to find new and inventive ways to hide their stolen loot. So where else would be more cunning than to hide said keys in something that we eat? A certain Matt came close to death by choking when he found a key in his toastie. We came that close to a plot for our pilot of CSI: Freshers, but it was not to be. Fresher see something high. Fresher climb it. It’s a script that has been since the dawn of time, but this time there’s a twist. Several freshers flung themselves upon the Westwood postal office only to discover that they had a severe phobia of heights. Crisis ensued as their
dear friends called authorities to get them down, but to no avail. The story does not end well, and vultures were spotted finishing off their remains in the high morning. Sometimes people vom. It’s a normal human reaction. What isn’t a normal reaction, however is to spray your bathroom head to toe with chunder and then lock up your room, leaving it to fester for two days whilst you hide out in your friends room. Anonymous lady from Cotswold, we know. And we’re truly disgusted. Sort it out. Young ‘Yorkie’ from Woodland first appeared to be an unlikely mintyfresh star, cutting a dignified figure in a tweed suit and pipe, but our first impressions turned out to be wrong. So very, very wrong. Wooing a lady at our classy event, he returned to her chambers and, spying a jolly jest, stripped naked and
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wheeled her chair into the elevator. He then spent a good few minutes travelling the floors of Woodland wearing only a top hat until he passed out - definitely the winner of our ‘Classiest Idiot of the Week Award’. At mintyfresh we appreciate effort, so naturally we loved Ninja Nick from Malbrough who managed to get over 100 separate messages on the screens in the event. He is named “The Gentleman” as whenever he attempts to proposition a young lady, he politely asks permission if he is allowed to enter their sacred garden. Unsurprisingly they still say no. Who’d have guessed? Eastwood 33 tried to take the whole ‘smashing a glass by singing’ to a new level. Stacking a pyramid of cans, the house then took turns at roaring at them, hoping something would happen. Best. Metaphor. Ever.
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Q&A Why are you dressed like a banana? “Some fuckers told me it was Banana Night.” They took ‘banana’ out of the dictionary you know.
More pictures To see all your beautiful faces go onto the mintyfresh page on Facebook. Type in these letters and symbols: www.facebook.com/mintyfresh
Event Highlight Toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, toga, TOGA, TOGA, TOGA TOGA, TOGA, TOGA, TOGA. Woo.
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Flipping awesome
Friday saw hordes of grubby, unwashed students pouring into the Founders’ Hall, desperately seeking whatever random tat they could lay their sticky little fingers on. Viewed from above, we imagine the Freshers’ Fair looked something similar to a
crowd of pigeons fighting over seeds scattered by evil corporate giants, but hey; who cares if you’re being psychologically manipulated when you’re getting free stuff? Saturday was much the opposite, as the majority of campus
appeared to be undergoing a zombie apocalypse. There was hardly a soul in sight, it was pretty spooky. Even when there was a lone figure shambling around grunting they seemed to have all the cognitive activity of your average walking dead. Here at mintyfresh we assume this is simply a result of the fact that you’re all sporting a hangover the size of Madagascar. If we’re wrong and there is in fact a zombie invasion, let us know; I’ve been dying to use the shotgun I bought off eBay on most of you. There was one hive of activity yesterday, as the postponed sports day took place. In your absence, the multitude of different sports clubs either wandered around thrusting flyers in each other’s faces in the vain hope that one of them might actually be an interested fresher, or vented their rage by hitting each other (martial arts, we’re looking at you here). Now ladies and gentlemen we bring you this; a special minty-
fresh sports report. Forget the gangnam style, the latest craze to hit campus is ‘corridor cricket’. The delirium around the game originated here in mintyfresh towers and is now spreading across campus like the syphilis some of you no doubt have. Ignore those sports clubs on the Parade yesterday; all you need to do is grab a phallic shaped object along with a ball or two, and you have the most superb game known to man. We at mintyfresh expect you all to get yourselves going in your corridors (no, not like that you perverts). ‘One hand, one bounce’ is pretty much the only musthave rule. If you’re feeling a bit down because you slept through the SU fete and missed our beautiful faces; cheer up! Our dashing reporters will be at the Activities’ Fair on Monday, so come along and meet the sheer genius that brought you mintyfresh as well as living legends CTV and URB. Some guy from Woodland passed out in a wheelchair and had fairy liquid up his bum.
mintyfreshsurvey Fresher of the night Drop off your answers in the bathimpact office. Take the non-fire exit door next to the pool tables in the Plug and follow the corridor until you find the red bathimpact logo on the right. 1. Did you enjoy Freshers’ Week? Y/N 2. Had you drunk alcohol before Freshers’ Week? Y/N 3. Do you know anyone who had a one night stand in Freshers’ Week? How many of them are in your flat? 4. How many with captain or crew? 5. Do you think Freshers’ Week was good value for money? Y/N 6. Would you like non-club alternatives and/or greater variations in acts? Y/N
bath impact
The University of Bath Students’ Union Newspaper
Tonight’s Fresher of the Night comes from someone straight out of the pages of Shakespeare, Oberst and D.H. Lawrence, although we sadly feel it will more likely be Marquis de Sade (look up masochism). Ewan from E37 clearly has honourable intentions for the delicate lady Kim from E49. While she was out he
penned an elegant love letter to her and pinned a soulful, personal and intimate letter to her front door (so obviously we felt they must be shared). We admire this hopeless romantic in his attempts to woo the elegant lady, but sadly Kim is taken. But if you like it you should put a ring on it etc.