brought to you by bathimpact Issue 1
@bathimpact facebook.com/bathimpact
Monday 22th September 2014
01225 386 151
mintyfresh highlights Quote of the night “I’ve heard stories that would make you shit yourself.” Plug bouncer who’s seen it all before
Tinder lines “If I could rearrange the alphabet...
Perspiration sensation We must admit that we were worried about you freshers at first. You were a little dull and for the first hour or so the most exciting thing that happened to us, was being mildly attacked by a badger outside Wolfson. We shared this ordeal with fresher Tom who bravely screamed, “FOX! NO FUCK! WHAT IS THAT? HELP! MINDFUCK!” Luckily we all survived and you guys also proved us wrong by getting a little rowdy and a lot more fun later in the evening. How do you get 3,500 students into a 1,200 capacity club? Pokémon! Haha! Oh wait, wrong joke. Either way, it’s not funny. This is what our freshers experienced when they tunnelled through the sweat mine of the Plug and the Tub this weekend. Many of you said you needed multiple showers afterwards (although that could have just been the general feelings of regret) and we even saw one guy with goggles and a snorkel. He claimed he was ‘diving for pussy’ but to us he looked out of his depth. Bath is known for 3 things; yel-
low buildings, Jane Austen’s decaying corpse, and sport. Our Freshers have already started adding to the latter by inventing a new sport, Window Chundering. The premise is simple: find a high window and vacate your stomach (via the mouth, don’t be more disgusting than you already are). Extra points are awarded for viscosity, splash radius and whether innocent bystanders are within the splash radius. Our current record is 3 stories in Conygre; be sure to let us know if you top it, but don’t try too hard… ignorami. On a similar note, we’re pleased to see that many of you have bathimpact’s chunder chart hanging with pride, but we don’t encourage filling it entirely. E47 tried in earnest, bravely attempting a twelve-man boat race. It was a great sporting event, drawing comparisons to Paula Radcliffe’s heroic midmarathon shit, with a photofinish drenching the rather unfortunate crew. If a Johnny shits in the woods, does anyone hear it? I don’t know, why don’t you ask him?
Unfortunately you can’t: he’s missing. This midnight marauder from E43 roams the foliage searching for the perfect place to, well, drop the kids off. He was last seen wandering at midday Sunday with a beer in one hand, a handful of leaves in the other and a bathimpact tucked under his arm. Let us know you’re ok, Johnny! On Saturday night we encountered ra young man from Wolfson who, in his intoxicated state, tried to speak to us through rhyme and, well, was shit. We have dubbed him MC Surrey and want to respond with a limerick of our own. Get ready to be parred MC Surrey: ‘There once was a man from Wolfson, Who thought that rhyming was good fun, But his lyrics were weak, His bars oh so cheap, And to be honest we thought him a cun… ahem, an affront to standards of conversation at a respected institution such as this’. You just got Angela Merkeled, son (is anyone else combining grime and EU politics? Nope, where’s our Pullitzer at?).
I’d put my dick in your mouth.” Ed the absolute gentleman from the queue
Showing your age A very obviously fresh-faced blonde girl in Norwood gave us this gem: “Oh my god, I’m learning how to smoke!” We say: If you need to learn, you probably shouldn’t...
Crew Awards “I can’t wait for my freshers to start having babies ... who do you think will be the first to get married?” Crew matchmakers on the bus home last night
More pictures To see all your beautiful faces go onto the bathimpact page on Facebook at the following address: www.facebook.com/bathimpact
They’re parking up the wrong tree
You know The Battle of Helm’s Deep from the Lord of the Rings? Of course you do; you got into Bath, you’re a bit of a nerd (ha! Nerd). Well the bit when the orcs are swarming down the hill towards the castle walls and everyone inside is all like “shit man, this is going to be loud. So not kush”, that’s what Freshers’
is like for the rest of us when you goblin children swarm over campus for the first time. The only real difference is that there are more family cars and booze, and a smidgen less murder. One of our favourite things about arrivals every year is the creative approaches that parents take to parking so as to limit the amount
of walking between vehicle and room (no it’s not just the American students who do this, we checked the license plates). Still, we’re not criticising this, as laziness can be a virtue, did Big Billy Gates not say “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it”? The bit we’re criticising is the fact most people seem to park under a tree as if this will stop them getting a ticket and magically hide their car. This is stupid, which means you are stupid. Another consistent arrivals’ highlight is the fantastic and strange things people feel the need to bring to university (I personally packed light; vodka and a deep sense of shame). This year’s highlight is almost too good to be true as ‘Pussy Galore’ from Westwood took the cute approach of bringing the ashes of her deceased cat with her because “she would have wanted to enjoy the journey with her”… maybe cute was the wrong word.
Fresher of the night Our Fresher of the Night, or should we say weekend, is Will from Eastwood aka Three Willly, aka he does shoot ball and he looks like a baller, aka Greg’s friend. Will brought his Lego pal Greg and a sense of fun to Eastwood, starting multiple games such as ‘Save Greg’, ‘Whistle Stop’ and ‘Moustache Hunting’. ‘Moustache Hunting’ was
a particular favourite of ours, a game of photobombing that involves using other people’s long hair to give yourself a moustache before disappearing into the night, with double points awarded for handlebars. We like your enthusiasm and enabler attitude Will, you’re a role model… not necessarily a good one, but a role model.
PG Coffee Crawl
Today’s timetable
Still, we hope Tibbles or Moggy or Betty (probably Betty) enjoys the journey and we super hope nobody uses him for a little bump. Finally, the Plug and the Tub reopened (we use finally in both senses here, boo you whore to the summer closure), and was full to the brim with new freshers becoming firm friends over beer and football, because nothing brings people together like Manchester United and Liverpool losing on the same weekend. Not to perpetuate any Bath Spa stereotypes anyone may have, but Friday morning saw a very eager but slightly misguided Spa Fresher arrive on campus with his bags and a keen attitude. He was fairly disappointed to be told by accommodation that his halls weren’t ready yet. He was then even more disappointed to find out he was in the completely wrong place. We aren’t sure how he took actually arriving in Bath Spa, but hopefully he feels a little more at home.
Hall of the night Mendip kicked off Freshers’ in style by holding a sweet party and drawing in ‘thousands’ of people from all over campus. They went full Project X; complete with an exclusive window side DJ set, ‘olive oil’ all over the floors (slippery freshers are good freshers), an exotic petting zoo, a barber shop quartet and champagne shipped in from the conti-
nent. Mendip was definitely the place to be tonight. We at mintyfresh like a party, sometimes we like them so much we pretend stuff happened that didn’t; sadly there was neither a DJ nor champagne, but you kind of looked like you were having fun. Keep up the good work Mendip, shame on you other halls; let the competition commence.
Speed Networking
Film Soc Film Night
Society Cafe (town)
Claverton Rooms
‘Bridesmaids’ East Building 1.1
10:00-11:30
18:00-19:30
20:00-23:00
Campus Challenge
Pizza & Board Games
SciFi Soc Film Night
Campus
Student Centre Level 3
‘Monsters University’ 5W 2.1
11:00-17:00
20:00-00:00
20:00-23:00
Launch Night with The Chip Shop Boys Founders Hall
22:00 - 02:00