brought to you by bathimpact Issue 2
@bathimpact facebook.com/bathimpact
Tuesday 23rd September 2014
01225 386 151
mintyfresh highlights Quote of the night “I’d do anal for £10k in Tesco vouchers” A devout clubcard holder, this Norwoodian believes ‘Every little helps’...
Celeb fight
The Lord of the Dyes It’s been 60 years since the publication of Lord of the Flies, a cautionary tale of the dangers of putting children in a secluded environment and letting them have their way with the place. Apparently we haven’t learned from Golding’s lessons (Jesus, Lana, read a book!) because the launch night of FW14 quickly descended into tribal warfare. Reds fought blues who fought greens who fought yellows. Baldilocks from Eastwood 12 committed completely to this literary metaphor by shaving (and we assume patchily) his head so as to fully prepare himself for the ensuing conflict. Eastwood houses 24 and 25 even descended into civil war, hurling explosive blackberries at each other for 10s of minutes; there were literally millions of zero casualties. Q5 delved further into madness with spaghetti and water balloon based warfare; in response Barack Obama has called for a meeting of the UN Dickhead Response Council who are expected to send the Marines in ASAP. Not all freshers succumbed to tribal temptations however.
Alex and Ben (aka Elmo) from City tried to bridge the deeply entrenched two day animosities by taking on the role of ‘toilet vodka fairies’. These two warriors of peace hid in the SU toilets, but instead of a violent death, when they sprung from their hidey hole they offered shots of Russian Standard Vodka. We applaud both their commitment to getting Steve Austin Hammer’d and their peaceful attitude. At this point, we also want to congratulate two captains from last year, Calvin and Ellie, who managed to get over hall differences and are now engaged to be married. Just FYI, mintyfresh expects invitations to the wedding and an open bar. With freshers, you never know what you’re going to smell. With some it’s the putrid odour of Jaeger and dried sweat, with others the clingy scent of regret. It’s like holding Crufts in a monsoon every night and we’re always the losers (google Crufts then laugh, philistines). Last night, however, the Quads took the win by sending us into a hallucinogenic ecstasy. The fresh (and apparently cheap) paint
in the Quads is refusing to dry and giving everyone a Charlie Kelly inhalant high that, now we think about it, could be a feasible excuse for the tribal warfare. Either that or the Quads has its very own Heisenberg… beware of the one who knocks everyone, unless they’re in Media Pink and delivering a mintyfresh of course. Finishing on a romantic note; up in the towers of Norwood 8 inhabits Princess Megan. A keen believer in the mantra ‘love is a battlefield’, she is eager to put her noble prince – who takes the name Jack X – under a series of trials. Every day Megan sends Jack X to a new location on campus, promising a reunion after their brief meeting at the Grand Plug Ball. Neither has any idea of what the other looks like, and as of last night, she is yet to appear at any of these encounters herself, preferring to watch him from her tower. We respect her class, sadism and creative torture, whilst we also respect Jack X’s commitment… that doesn’t also stop us thinking him an idiot who does idiot things because he’s an idiot.
If you could fight any celebrity, who would it be? “Cheryl Cole, because afterwards I reckon she would be up for it” KJ from the Quads reveals his true ‘Crazy, stupid love’ fantasy...
Showing your age Eastwood went from wild to endearing when a bambi fresher learnt how to do his first shot. mintyfresh found his cup of tea technique refreshing.
Tweet of the night “In bed with an uncooked naan bread why” @pxoppy Tell us why, Poppy... we need to know!
More pictures To see all your beautiful faces go onto the bathimpact page on Facebook at the following address: www.facebook.com/bathimpact
Canoe get any better than this?
Do you know what I love when I’m hanging like a catatonic sloth and my brain has shrunk to the size of an average UKIP supporter’s? That’s right, a series of physical challenges! An assault course is exactly what students with a hangover need and the fact that one unfortunate fresher suffered a dislo-
cated shoulder is something nobody could have predicted. You know, unless they thought about things a bit. Not to be outdone in the “it seemed like a good idea at the time” stakes, the Canoe Club decided that slaloming down a hill in a boat was both excellent and safe. One intrepid collec-
tion of freshers have clearly become firm friends very quickly and tried to squeeze fifteen in a boat. A canoe hasn’t been that cramped and sweaty since Ray Mears tried to smuggle his favourite pies into an impoverished Central American jungle. Unfortunately, one poor fresher bravely sacrificed his leg to steer the vessel away from the trees and save his friends from the hideous facial scarring of the holly bush. Despite this sacrifice, his companions quickly left him in excruciating pain to have fun and laugh at his misfortune. Still, this bodes well for Freshers. One afternoon in and two visits to A&E, you guys deserve some stickers! Still, you guys must have done quite well last night as the crew and organisers looked very much worse for wear in comparison. Then again, you guys are all young and fresh, whereas all your crew and captains (and us of course) are old and
Fresher of the Night Here at mintyfresh we like to reward ambition. We want you to strive to be the best and aim for the stars. We also think it’s really funny when you try and weird out your SU Officers. That’s why tonight your Fresher of the Night is Sam from E27, who, every time he’s seen your SU President Jordan Kenny, has repeatedly
Today’s timetable
said, “I’ll have your job by the end of the week mate”. He also had an incredibly decorated freshers shirt, complete with Spartan abs and pecks, a drink in one hand and a copy of mintyfresh in the other (… okay, that part is a lie, but if you tell us you dig mintyfresh we will like you more). Big up Sam, we’ll vote for you if there’s an election!
probably going to die soon. We don’t do late nights well anymore, we like Horlicks and cuddles. Remember to treat your crew gently guys, many of them are prone to bouts of crying and existential woe, especially post-coitus. One of the particular highlights of our day was “toss the egg” by Sanda Kickboxing. We will never get tired of watching you guys get egg all over your faces (ba dum tsh), especially if you’ve spent many painstaking hours making your hair and makeup look eggscellent. It’s such a good yolk to us, really cracking. Still, an eggy face might make your crew less likely to poach you. One poor girl ruined a brand new pair of boots and trousers; I know how she feels as I once spilt red wine on blue suede shoes and cried for hours. Fortunately she held it together very well she only cried for ten minutes and only tried to cut the person twice.
Hall of the Night Tonight’s Hall of the Night is a collective effort from Eastwood A who impressed us with their communal spirit and general turntness. E5 claimed to have had seventy plus people in their kitchen; we hope they weren’t maths students as it didn’t seem that many to us, but if we had to estimate we would
have still said a heck of a lot of them. We also heard unverified claims of freshers having a jolly good time (SU approved version). We also all celebrated Charlotte’s birthday (we assumed she was 12), so happy birthday Charlotte, we hope you got all the Twilight merchandise that your heart desires.
Picnic & Pimms
Murder Mystery
Film Soc Film Night
The Lake
Claverton Rooms
‘Cabin in the Woods’ East Building 1.1
13:00-16:00
20:00-00:00
20:00-23:00
Plug Quiz
PG Pub Tour
SciFi Soc Film Night
The Plug and The Tub
Bath Abbey
‘The Princess Bride’ 5W 2.1
19:00-22:00
20:00-22:30
20:00-23:00
Back to the Future with Hot Dub Time Machine Founders Hall
22:00 - 02:00