bathimpact Volume 14 Issue 06 by bathimpact

Running a toy shop

The apocalypse

Business Page 12

See bite in the middle of paper

Causing Trouble Comment Page 7

bathimpact The University of Bath Students’ Union Newspaper

Monday 3rd December 2012

www.bathimpact.com

Caleb Wheeler-Robinson

Volume 14 Issue 6

In this week’s bathimpact #wasteoftime News reporter Helen Edworthy describes how the recent 2012 NUS demonstration went and the lack of protesters at the nal rally point, as well as comparing it to the infamous 2010 demonstration that led to the occupation of Millbank. To find out more, turn to page 4

Report on Israel With the recent NUS endorsed ceasefire, bathimpact writers Sarah Aston and Joe Turnbull produce a special report on the longlasting effects of the recent outbreak of violence in Israel, both within the country and in the wider region. Read more in the Politics section on page 10

Survival guide For the best guide on how to survive the apocalypse turn to bite. Ben Cochrane discusses the many dif culties of negotiating our Zombie lled future and Lily Morris teaches you how to survive when your student loan runs out and you’re left stranded in the wilderness. See pages 8 and 9 of bite. The Vaults have been in development for the last year and are now nally open, with most of it’s restaurants taking Christmas bookings

Bath Vaults nally cracked open Elliott Campbell Deputy Editor-in-Chief impact-deputy@bath.ac.uk Bath has finally seen development end on The Vaults, a brand new al fresco restaurant quarter situated in and above the archways underneath the Bath Spa railway station. The newly opened complex, which is the final part of the £360 million Southgate project, cost a

total of £12 million and was originally planned to be opened September. But was delayed due to complications arising from bad weather conditions and by the fact that many of the structures were listed. The flagship restaurant will sit above The Vaults, next to the platfrom, and the main access will be by lift from the ground level. Below it, in the arches themselves,

will be a total of roughly five other restaurants and four food kiosks, including Gourmet Burger Kitchen and the Bertinet Bakery & Café, both of which are already open. There will also be a new Nandos which will ultimately replace the current one in the Odeon complex, as well as an eatery run by Bath Ales. Improvements have been made to the infrastructure of the ex-

isting station as a result of the scheme with the introduction of a new entrance system and lift. Whilst not all of the units have been let yet, developers Multi said “there should be a mix of nationals and independents, but ultimately it will be commercially driven” and that they see the scheme as complimentary to the other restaurants in Southgate such as Jimmy Spices, Cosy Club and Giraffe.

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Monday 3rd December 2012

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Editorials

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NUS off target once again A

mandate to act in the best interests of students is certainly not as easy as it sounds. “Students” are quite a large group, ranging from those starting primary school all the way up to those in postgraduate education. Needs differ across the board and so certain sympathies must be granted to the National Union of Students (NUS), though their group of students only includes those in higher and further education. Nevertheless, even setting those sympathies aside it is dif cult to understand how the NUS works most of the time. The recent march through London was pitiful; a last gasp from an organisation lacking in leadership and direction, crying out for a nal piece of attention from a country and government that obviously does not care. They would argue that the lack of caring that we’ve seen from the coalition is why we should march, but

bathimpact thinks that the greater concern should undoubtedly be the lack of caring from the students. The number of students who went to London this November was equivalent to the number of undergraduates at this University alone. Hardly a show of unity for the NUS. When the march was proposed at the NUS conference, it was clear that several senior members of the NUS were not in favour of it, including (rumour has it) President Liam Burns. However, it passed and made its way through the system down to Students’ Unions across the country, including to ours - where it passed by an embarrassingly slim majority. When motions like this only pass by slim majorities at every stage, its appropriateness should be gauged. The NUS announced more details of the march at the NUS Lead and Change Training Conference, an event for Student Of cers around the

country. #Demo2012 seemed like an excellent way to allow the NUS zealots a chance to let off some steam, if one can argue that closing down parts of central London is excellent. It did not at all seem to be a constructive exercise aimed at changing public opinion or that of political parties - the NUS seems to often think it is one. Every conference is full of votes on all sorts of nonsensical issues. This year’s included a vote on a recommendation that the NUS should be “Building a Generation ready to shout ‘I AM THE CHANGE!’”. These are not the sort of policy discussions that are likely to make people take them seriously. Voting on whether or not “Conference believes ‘Israel’s continuing oppression of the Palestinians is an Apartheid regime.’” is not the remit of the NUS. It is not even close to relevant. The NUS has lost its way. The President is a position occupied by

those gearing up for a political run as an MP, always for the Labour party. If you want to nd a President who was neither a member of the Labour party when they ran, nor ran for Labour later in life you have to go back almost as far as Jack Straw; he had a couple of successors who ran as communists. Aside from its leadership issues, the NUS is fundamentally not a union of students. It is a union of Students’ Unions, much as UEFA is not a union of either European footballers or European football clubs. Students’ Unions and their Of cers see a wealth of bene ts but students do not necessarily see nearly as much. That is why later this year there will be a referendum at Bath SU on continued af liation. For as long as the NUS fails in its fundamental objectives, everyone should involved with it should question being a part of it.

Bishop crisis a familiar tale T

he decision by the Church of England’s General Synod to vote against the appointment of female bishops to the general is a sad and outdated result to a saga that has been running for decades, and does not re ect the opinion of the Church as a whole. This is a debate with no place in the twenty- rst century. Media outlets and politicians have criticised the Church, and rightly so, while themselves belonging to institutions that are also highly male dominated. For the vote to have passed, a two thirds majority was needed in each of the three houses of the General Synod; The House of Bishops, The House of Clergy and The House of Laity. The houses of Bishops (89.8 per cent approval) and Clergy (76.7 per cent approval) both resoundingly approved the vote, with only the house of Laity

not reaching the required majority by just six votes. Public opinion is highly in favour of women Bishops, and it is just a small but vocal minority who are holding up a process that many countries put in place years ago. A female member of the Christian Union said that the general feeling in the Church was “disappointment but a resolve to carry on”. Another member when asked said the decision of the Synod was not “representative of the Church as a whole”. While the Church is responsible for the teaching and guiding of its members, it also must re ect their general opinion and accept that these misogynistic ideas have no place in the twenty rst century. This is also an incredibly hypocritical move from an institution that has spent thousands of years defending the right for those to practice their faith. There are

women who are quali ed to be Bishops and have made fantastic priests let them be Bishops. However, this is not necessarily a Church speci c issue. David Cameron called for The Church of England to “get with the programme” and he would “certainly look carefully” at how Parliament can in uence the Church’s decisions. In a recent Cabinet reshufe Cameron red sixty per cent of the women in his Cabinet, and is no closer to his promise that a third of his Cabinet would be women by the end of his term. The target of a third is underwhelming at best; France, Sweden and Switzerland all have equal members of women in their cabinets. Many media outlets have also expressed their dismay at the decision, and yet again there is a disparity between those calling for change and the

institutions themselves. Currently, the editor of the Daily Star’s Dawn Neesom stands alone as a female editor of a national newspaper, and recent discussions of who would be the new Director General of the BBC seemed devoid of voices offering a female alternative. Women currently make up only 145 of 650MPs, 4 of 29 Cabinet Ministers and only 14.5 per cent of CEO positions in the UK. bathimpact believes that it is correct to chastise the Church of England, but we must not isolate this issue alone. This newspaper believes that the Church of England is being publically criticised (and rightly so) for their decision, this must also be used as an opportunity for us look into the number of women in high positions throughout society.

Rape is a genderless crime D

uring the Bosnian War, between 20,000 and 50,000 women were raped, many of them in camps speci cally designed for this purpose. During the Rwandan genocide, up to 500,000 women underwent this sickening brutality. UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon pointed out that violence against women and girls is extensive throughout the world. In Britain, foreign secretary William Hague has referred to sexual violence as the “silent scourge of war.” However, despite the amount of awareness across Europe, it has only resulted in 30 convictions within the past two decades.

On 17th December 1999, the United Nations General Assembly designated the 25th of November as the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. Also known as the White Ribbon Day, men and boys are encouraged to wear white ribbons as a visible pledge never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women. While the issue of sexual violence against women and girls is well-documented we must remember that men and boys are also often victims of sexual violence in con ict situations and these incidents against men are grossly under-reported.

This newspaper believes that it is essential to recognise that given the stigma attached to rape, detecting and supporting male victims of rape and other sexual violence is challenging and needs more attention. In October, for the rst time, the UN refugee agency issued guidelines for its staff and other aid workers on identifying and supporting male victims of sexual violence not only in con ict but in displacement situations. The report by Save the Children’s Hidden Survivors has highlighted that in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, men and boys make up 4-10 per cent of the survivors of sexual

violence who seek treatment. Meanwhile, surprising data gathered by the Afghanistan Independent Human Rights Commission from 2003 to 2010 has implied that males may even be at a higher risk of sexual abuse than females. Despite there being progress regarding men speaking up and reporting incidents, it could be considered an issue that creates a difference in equality. Each year, 25th November is for the awareness of domestic violence affecting women but bathimpact wishes to stress the importance of recognising that men are victims too and their problems must be acknowledged alongside women.

Rowan Emslie Editor-in-Chief impact-editor@bath.ac.uk

Elliott Campbell Deputy Editor impact-deputy@bath.ac.uk

Gabriela Georgieva Design Editor impact-design@bath.ac.uk

Thomas Gane bite Editor impact-bite@bath.ac.uk

Liv Hows News and Comment Editor impact-news@bath.ac.uk

Benjamin Butcher Features Editor impact-features@bath.ac.uk

Matthew Powell Sport Editor impact-sport@bath.ac.uk

Caleb Wheeler-Robinson Photography Editor impact-photo@bath.ac.uk

Katharine Agg Online Editor impact-it@bath.ac.uk

Scarlett Clark Publicity Of cer impact-publicity@bath.ac.uk

Aran Gnana Treasurer impact-money@bath.ac.uk

Nick Hill Media Of cer su-media-of cer@bath.ac.uk

Advertising Enquires Helen Freeman H.Freeman@bath.ac.uk 01225 386806 www.facebook.com/bathimpact www.bathimpact.com

bathimpact Students’ Union University of Bath Bath BA2 7AY 01225 38 6151

STUDENT

m edia The opinions expressed in bathimpact are not necessarily those of the bathimpact editors nor of the University of Bath Students’ Union. Whilst every effort is made to ensure that the information contained in this publication is correct and accurate at the time of going to print, the publisher cannot accept any liability for information which is later altered or incorrect. bathimpact as a publication adheres to the Press Complaints Commission’s Code of Conduct. Please contact them for any information.

Monday 3rd December 2012

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News

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fortnight photo

It’s amazing that you’re still buying our records

“

expressimpact The Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger at their 50th anniversary concert

Heavy rainfall causes the River Avon to rise here in Bath

Ben Fyson

fortnight in gures

5 years

The time that must pass until another proposal for women bishops can be brought before the Church of England’s Synod

News Lite

Talking Points

• What are the implications of LUU’s No Platform policy? • Should the NUS have a stance on Gaza? • The ethics of selling sex for tuition fees Tune into Buzz on 1449AM URB for interviews and conversation on these topics. 6pm on Thursday

INTERNATIONAL

UPCOMING EVENT

LOCAL

Egyptian President Mohammed Mursi has taken on extensive new powers in a move that has angered the country’s top judges. The move was described as “temporary” by Mursi but it caused immediate widespread protests and the stock market in Egypt fell by nine per cent.

ChaOS Christmas Concert

The Bath Christmas Market continues for another week, spreading from the Abbey all the way up to Milsom Street.

Ascension Church, Old eld Park Saturday 8th December 7.30pm

It’s bigger than ever before, with extra booths on Bath Street and there are plenty of free nibbles and tasters to peruse.

UPCOMING EVENT

NATIONAL

ECONOMY

INTERNATIONAL

Treasure Island - BUST Pantomime

The Financial Services Authority (FSA) has ned bank UBS over failings that led to Kweku Adoboli losing almost £1.5 billion. At just under £30 million the ne is the third largest the FSA has ever imposed. The trader had gone undetected for some time and at his trial the court heard that he was “a gamble or two away from destroying Switzerland’s largest bank”.

The Institute of Fiscal Studies (IFS) has revealed in a recent report that the UK may face austerity until 2018. Chancellor George Osborne will deliver his Autumn report on 5th December, along with an expected set of cuts, on top of the £8 billion already proposed. The IFS is recommending another £11 billion in cuts due to “the disappointing trend in tax revenues over the last seven months”.

San Francisco has voted to ban nudity in public places. The move came after citizens, particularly in the Castro district, had taken to frequently displaying their genitalia. Offenders will now face a $100 ne, with repeated nudity receiving a ne of up to $500. Mr. Weiner, who sits on the city’s Board of Supervisors said that “it’s appropriate to have some minimum standards of behaviour”.

updates & events

BUST’s famous Christmas pantomime is back. Arts Lecture Theatre 6th-8th December 7.30pm with a Saturday matinee.

An evening of Christmas carols led by Bath’s Choral and Orchestral Society.

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Elliott Campbell bathimpact Reporter eeds University is running a referendum on whether to include student media in their no platform policy. The decision will first go to a panel of Leeds students and unless a 75 per cent majority are either for or against the change then it will go to a campus-wide vote. The referendum came about as a result of the NUS publishing an open letter criticising ‘Leeds Student’ for publishing an interview with the leader of the BNP, Nick Griffin, claiming that “Leeds Student risks giving legitimacy to a fascist organisation, and boosts the BNP’s attempts to join the political mainstream.” Going as far as to demand that “The Editor of ‘Leeds Student’ remove this offensive interview that gives a platform to a fascist immediately.” The letter was is-

sued by Aaron Kiely, NUS Officer for Black Students, and has been signed by a large number of other NUS Officers. Throughout

his interview with James Greenhalgh, a gay journalist, Nick Griffin made both homophobic and racist comments as he explained his views, such as finding “the sight of two gay men kissing

creepy”. Lucy Snow, the editor of ‘Leeds Student’, decided to publish the interview despite its content after the editorial team consulted with a member of Leeds University’s LGBT society to help mitigate the effects the interview would have on those who are “struggling to come to terms with their sexuality” and because it “was too powerful to be censored”. Miss Snow then went on to defend her decision to run the interview by saying “Our paper is proud that we live in a democratic society, and that we can openly challenge and debate all manner of opinion and ideas.” She claimed that she was “confident we made the right decision to publish and will not be backing down.” She turned the criticism back to the NUS stating that “without a platform on which to display his lunacy, Griffin is as legitimate as the next elected MEP. As for the NUS, the idea of fighting fascism through censorship is completely illogical.” The full interview with Nick Griffin can be found on www. leedsstudent.org

Tom Long

No Platform at Leeds NUS demand cease re L Marina Jekyll bathimpact Reporter

On Tuesday 27th November, the NUS National Executive Council (NUS NEC) made a decision to call for both the condemnation of, and an end to, the siege on Gaza in an unanimous vote. The landmark decision comes as a major shift in NUS policy, and the result of years of campaigning for the NUS to change its policy on the con ict. Proposed by NUS Black Students’ Of cer Aaron Kiely as an Emergency Motion, entitled ‘Israel’s assault on Gaza must end’ as an Emergency Motion, Kiely commented ‘today’s decision by the NUS NEC to support Palestinian human rights is a massive step forward for our national union. I am proud that the British student movement is united in ercely condemning Israel’s murderous assault on Gaza which resulted in the killing of over 150 Palestinians, injured more than 900 Palestinians and killed ve Israelis’. Aaron Kiely also commented that the cease re brokered by Egypt was ‘very welcome indeed’. The statement itself outlines the NUS NEC’s belief that Israel launched

a military assault on Gaza, starting on Wednesday 14 November, and that Israel’s assault has caused hundreds of casualties, including 19 Palestinians deaths, six of which were children, and three Israeli deaths. The of cial statement also commented that at the time of writing there were numerous threats from the Israeli government and military to launch a ground invasion of Gaza, and such an escalation will lead to more casualties, death and destruction. The NUS NEC’s aims are to condemn and call for an immediate end to Israel’s air strikes on Gaza and the killings of Palestinians, an immediate ceasere, and to demand an immediate end to the siege on Gaza. The fourth aim, which asked students to take part in peaceful protests organised by the Palestine Solidarity Campaign against Israel’s assault on Gaza, was removed due to majority vote. Further comment from NUS Black Student’s Of cer Aaron Kiely included “the siege on Gaza, now in its 5th year, is nothing less than collective punishment of the 1.5 million Palestinians trapped on a tiny piece of land, in what the United Nations describes as ‘an open air prison.’”

NUS demonstrates student apathy Elliott Campbell

Helen Edworthy bathimpact Reporter

n the 21st November 10,000 students marched through London as part of #Demo2012, including 21 students from the University of Bath and a further 30 students from Bath Spa University and city of Bath College. The aim of the demo was to protest a multitude of different issues, including the scrapping of EMA, the raise in the tuition fee cap from £3000 to £9000, the cutting of undergraduate teaching funding, general funding cuts for postgraduates, and restrictions for international students in the UK. The march route was announced by NUS president Liam Burns on 15th October following the original announcement of the protest itself in June, and was criticised almost immediately, being labelled “ineffective at best” by one student from Aberystwyth. The route itself saw the marching students travel along the embankment, past the Houses of Parliament and over the bridge to end up in a rally in Kennington. Speakers at the rally included comedian Josie Long, Kathy Taylor of the UCU, and columnist Owen Jones. Despite meticulous

Kennington Park was ove owing with students who felt a deep af nity to #Demo2012, and wanted to hear a speech from Liam Burns planning for the protest – including putting Article 12 into effect, meaning that anybody protesting not along the agreed route would be arrested – turn out for the protest itself was minimal compared to the protest of two years previously. In contrast with the student pro-

tests in 2010, which featured the infamous incident at the Tory party headquarters at Millbank Street, the demo on 21st November was smaller, with the 2010 protest featuring 52,000 students. Of the 10,000 students who set off at the beginning of the march, 7000 did not make it

to the rally in Kennington – leaving 3000 students to listen to the speakers the NUS had arranged – with numbers dwindling in the bad weather. Along the route a group of protestors separated itself from the majority of the march in order to run towards the Houses of Parlia-

ment however they were stopped by barriers already in place. Also in comparison with the 2010 protest, #Demo2012 was largely calmer, aside from one brief scuf e and the egging of NUS president Liam Burns by anti-NUS protestors at the Kennington Rally.

Monday 3rd December 2012

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ecently, St Andrews University caused a stir when it called for the rest of the education system to make a greater effort in increasing the attainment levels of students from poorer backgrounds. St Andrews had come under attack for only increasing it’s intake of students from deprived backgrounds from 14 students a year to 20. This increase has been criticised by the NUS Scotland as being “minuscule”, claiming that the university is “elitist by ambition and design” due it’s apparent lack of interest in accepting students from less wealthy areas. The university responded by saying they were being “demonised”, and that if they lowered the entrance grades they would only be “admitting students to fail and that would be utterly dishonest”. The institution went as far as say that “we have a choice - we can continue to beat up our leading universities for failing to admit more kids from our most deprived areas, or we can start, without shame or blame, to ask if perhaps there is something going wrong throughout the whole equation”, finally adding as a reassurance that they did “want Scotland’s brightest here, regardless of background.” The argument between St Andrews and the NUS Scotland has highlighted a key issue. Who is responsible for making sure that capable of students are able to go to university, no matter how disadvantaged their background is? Currently the UK government has a policy called ‘widening participation’ and one of its aims is to increase the number of higher education students from underrepresented groups like those from lower income families. Since the recent increase in tuition fee caps, any English institution of higher education charging more than £6000 must have an access agreement agreed with the OFFA (office of fair action) which sets a number of time-based targets on things to do with the percentage of students from poorer backgrounds and low participating neighbourhoods. Looking at the University of Bath’s most recent access agreement (which is readily available on the OFFA website) you can see, among a number of things, that over the next five years it

plans to increase the percentage of students from lower socioeconomic classes from 18.9 to 20, and from low participating neighbourhoods to 4.9 to 8. Whilst these initial percentages and increases may seem small, consider that the University of Bath has over ten thousand UK students and do the maths. Suddenly those small percentages seem a lot bigger right? Now compare these numbers to the measly twenty people (which is only about 0.2 per cent of it’s entire student population) that St Andrews were forecasting and suddenly it becomes a lot harder to think that St Andrews aren’t being just a little elitist. St Andrews have reasoned that fewer young people from poorer backgrounds were achieving their entrance grades and that lowering their grades would only set those students up to fail. However, I feel there’s part of this story which is being overlooked by the Fife university; currently there is no mechanism for differentiating between the grades achieved at different schools. For example, statistically a fairly average student at a state school is likely to do considerably worse than they would if they were at a top private school. Schools do not teach to the same standards - this is a fact. Yet when students are applying to universities they’re having their grades compared on the same standard, with very little differentiation between their actual potential, if any. So what’s the solution? Well, if we look to our neighbours at Bristol University, they currently sometimes give out lower offers for applicants from state schools, and whilst this isn’t fully solving the problem as the quality of teaching also varies between state schools, it is certainly a step in the right direction. There is of course a limit to what higher education institutions can do in this regard without a proper method of separating teaching from ability, however. Really whilst universities do need to accept some responsibility if they have a lack of disadvantaged students, St Andrews were certainly not wrong to point out that there is a dire need for this responsibility to be shared. As they put it “if as a nation, however, we continue to lay responsibility for widening access solely at the door of universities, the challenge will never be properly met.”

Sarah Smith

Elliott Campbell bathimpact Writer

Hyougushi

Access for all? Keep calm, don’t sign

Patience is a virtue when it comes to househunting, so don’t rush into making a decision too soon Hanna Wade SU Community Of cer t’s that time of year again when househunting is on everyone’s minds, and every year we hear the same myriad of myths making their way around campus. “If I don’t get a house before Christmas, all the good ones will be gone.” “If I don’t get a property quick, I’ll end up living ages away.” “The majority of people get their houses before Christmas.” And I have to admit; I was one of the many who panicked upon hearing these rumours in my first year and quickly, and rather stupidly found myself pressured into signing a contract for a house, which in the long run turned out to be a complete nightmare, with a landlord who tried to extract as much money from us as possibleall because I didn’t allow myself the time to think it through more carefully and find out the information which is made available to all students. As I learnt in my latter years as a student, there really is no need to panic or feel pressurised. Househunting season starts in February here in Bath; this is the month when the Accommodation Office releases the list of accredited properties available to rent for the coming year, on www. bathstudentpad.co.uk. Our Ac-

commodation office has built up a fantastic relationship with the landlords of the properties advertised on this site over the years, so you can be sure that you are getting a good deal and not being exploited. It is often much better to use this list if you can, to avoid the extortionate admin fees charged by some letting agencies in Bath. If you don’t know what an accredited property is, or you have other queries, make sure you have a look at the online “Bath Student Accommodation Guide 2012” or collect a hard copy from the Advice and Representation Centre after Christmas. For first years, on the 5th December there is a Housing Forum to help you find out more about how and what to consider when looking for a house, and to alleviate those first time fears and myths. For all other years, the Students’ Union will be handing out information in the Student Centre on the same date to refresh the information from previous years. The Students’ Union Advice and Representation Centre informs students that there will be plenty of housing available from February onwards, so why not concentrate on your studies, Christmas and then the first exams before you start looking for somewhere to rent? If you do decide to look for a house pre-Christmas don’t

forget to come to the Advice and Representation Centre to have your contract explained before you sign it. This contract checking service is available to you throughout the year from the Students’ Union and the University Accommodation office. There is no need to worry if you don’t know who you are living with next year or maybe need an extra person to fill a room. Every year the Students’ Union runs a “find-a-housemate” event in the Student Centre. On the day there will be a notice board up for you to post a message if you can’t make it. There are also message boards on www.bathstudentpad. co.uk where you can find people in similar situations. If you have already spent a year or two living in rented accommodation in Bath, then don’t forget to look out for our housing survey coming out early next year so that we can find out first-hand about your experiences! If you have any further questions or queries then please don’t hesitate to ask - either pop into the Advice and Representation Centre or email us on sucommunity@bath.ac.uk or suadvice@ bath.ac.uk Most importantly, keep calm, don’t panic and don’t rush into signing anything until you’re happy! Happy househunting!

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Leeds worries me more than BNP Flickr The People Speak

Nicholas Hill Media Of cer su-media-of cer@bath.ac.uk

otwithstanding its generally shabby appearance, I am usually comfortable with Leeds. Leeds University Students’ Union (LUU) is a big player on the national student stage and, much like our own Students’ Union, is a leader in the sector. SUs up and down the country look to both our houses for ideas and guidance, and it is here that my worries begin. In 2009 there was a referendum on a No Platform policy for Bath SU. The referendum stipulated that student groups would no longer be allowed to provide a platform for speakers to come to campus if their intention was to put forward a message of hate. The referendum was struck down, - with some force I might add - after bathimpact, along with its sister organisations URB and CTV, campaigned hard with a message of free press. LUU on the other hand did pass a no platform policy. They made one exception to that policy and that was for their student media; a set of phenomenally motivated and brilliant groups, in order that they could interview whoever they

There are concerns that the interview with Nick Grif n provides a dangerous platform for the BNP liked and publish whatever they access to new audiences. I am not sage laced with fear is with supwished. All was going smoothly concerned that these audiences’ pression; this is what they would until their recent interview with minds represent a blank page on want us do. They would have us which he and his party can and suppress the views of the gays and BNP leader Nick Griffin. As a reasonably politically- will write a mandate of hatred to the muslims and the immigrants, interested person myself, I have be spread around both the country and they would have the dissentheard speeches by and read inter- and the world. That is a little con- ing voice transformed into a mere views with Nick Griffin. I cannot descending. I believe that given an whisper. As Media Officer, I can promsay that in any of them I felt he had hour in front of every person in the established a firm connection with UK, the BNP would struggle to in- ise you that I will never ever silence that minority voice, nor will either sanity or with the British crease their membership. But this is not about them. It is I ever attempt to silence a voice people in the main, and am therefore never concerned by the idea about the idea that the best way because it might upset you. It has that Nick Griffin is being given to fight voices articulating a mes- never been the job of a free media

to make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Instead you have this platform, in this newspaper amongst other places, to say and think what you want, as well as to tell others. Testament to that is that if you are reading this and thinking about what a liberal, pretentious, overzealous, war-mongering tool of a person I must be, then you can put that in three to six hundred words and email it to impact-editor@ bath.ac.uk and have them put it in the paper. They will most certainly revel in it, more than I would like. The NUS claim that the newspaper “risks giving legitimacy to a facist organisation”, as if political organisations everywhere are queuing up to meet with the Leeds Student Union in order to gain legitimacy; that is quite an over estimation of a student paper. We do not have that kind of influence. However, that does not mean that we should act without morals, or that we should not stand up for freedom of speech. I value more than anything the editorial independence that Bath SU grants their media. It is an example set for other Students’ Unions. I do, however, worry when that example is cast into doubt by LUU, and I am worried about who will follow suit.

William Cronkite bathimpact Writer s I write, boy-band One Direction have secured a sought-after prize in British music. They are number one in the singles chart and they are number one in the album chart at the same time. This is quite a feat, particularly when you note that in order for their album “Up All Night” to get to number one it had to bump an album of Rod Stewart Christmas songs into the number two spot. When I was a boy twenty or thirty years ago, my father played music around the house all the time. He played anything he could get his hands on and every week went to HMV and bought a new album. He also used to go to our local library and take out albums for the week, some libraries did that then. As a result of this I was brought up not to be snobbish about music. As a child, I remember listening to as much of the Rolling Stones as I did Duran Duran, and to as much of The Drifters as I did the soundtrack to Joseph and His Amazing Techni-

color Dreamcoat. I was brought up to believe that you should not judge something until you give it a fair hearing. It was this feeling that largely made me watch each of the Twilight films, though the more notable outcome was that, in so doing, my ability to mercilessly mock them substantially increased. As I got older, my father backed up his beliefs by enjoying the New Romantics as much as he had enjoyed Hard Rock. After this he bought Grunge albums, and after that he bought the pop albums of the mid to late nineties. I have fond memories of the rebirth of Indie in the early noughties and us going to gigs together to discover the likes of Franz Ferdinand and The Killers. One Direction’s double number one this week is enough to make my father lose faith in British music. I hope Britain, a place with a once proud tradition of music that shaped the world, is happy with now having to endure the wailings of a bunch of pre-pubescent children wearing clothes so tight that it looks like they have all just been though a growth spurt. Every time

I walk through The Plug it seems as though SubTV senses my presence and forces me to listen a verse of puddle-deep lyrics while I pass, accompanied by the picture of five teenagers on ten screens all of whom have gotten very wet for no reason. A music historian has two jobs; one is to analyse trends and patterns of the past, the other is to use that information to estimate where music will be at some predetermined point in the future. Nobody thought that we would now be in this truly terrible place. The last big phase of boy and girl bands only ended only ten years ago. How can we be back here already? The worst part is that, from what I can establish from their hair and the way they dress, One Direction have an average age of 15. That means that I may have to endure as many as five more years of their existence invading my ears. Those of my friends most inclined towards bouts of musical zealotry help out by reciting their lyrics continually when I’m around; when not doing so, they simply defend the band

Eva Rinaldi Flickr

We’re going in the wrong direction

Not everyone is happy about One Direction’s chart dominance to the hilt because apparently the world of music and I should be taking into account how pretty and sweet they all are. I feel I should end this with a plea, and so I beg bands everywhere to pick up the slack; you all stopped paying attention for five minutes and this is what has happened. It’s unlikely that it can be

undone, and it looks like I’ll just have to power through. Therefore, you can at least provide me with a soundtrack to the lean times, all suggestions welcome. My one criteria in order to take suggestions seriously is that the music can be taken seriously. Sorry, One Direction; you do not, nor will you ever, make the cut.

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UKIP couple should keep the kids Thomas Gane bite Editor impact-bite@bath.ac.uk

Euro Realist Newsletter

o one has covered themselves in glory in this saga. The unnamed couple in Rotherham have a perfectly acceptable reason to be aggrieved at having their foster children taken away from them and members of UKIP are justi ed in their offence at Rotherham council implying they’re lesser parents than others. However, when

UKIP had the chance to respond in a mature and reasonable manner (as be tting a party vying to be third largest in the country), Winston McKenzie, a by-election candidate in Croydon North, claimed that gay couples adopting children was child abuse. A ne example of two opposing factions pushing their children out of sight while grabbing megaphones and screaming, “Think of the children! Won’t somebody think of the children?” in the hope that one

UKIP leader Nigel Farage was “very upset and very angry”

side drowns out the other. The question I ask both sides here; has anyone actually thought of the children? Let’s start with the wronged UKIP family. In some instances politics should be taken into account when children are adopted, this is obvious. Extremes are never healthy. However, UKIP are not extreme. I disagree with their politics, but they are not extreme (in America for example they would be considered standard Republicans). Even parents with moderate political beliefs are known to make mistakes, for example a Prime Minister leaving his child at a pub. The children were of ethnic backgrounds other than white and UKIP policy has no general policy of discrimination. They call for a curbing of immigration in general, not of any particular race or origin. As this is the case the question that matters is, were they good parents? Good parents should never attempt to force political beliefs upon their children. They should expose them to political material at an appropriate age and accept the decisions their children make. My political allegiances lie towards the left, but personally I believe the right wing often gets unfair treatment in situations such as this.

For example the Green Party, or possibly even Socialists, would be much less likely to be subject to this discrimination. To give an example from my own life, I recently reported on #Demo2012 and throughout the march a young child of about ve or six was at the front with his parents. This child clearly had very little idea of what was going on, but was being given masses of encouragement by all those around him whenever he was given the megaphone. This included shouting very aggressive chants towards David Cameron and Nick Clegg. To me this is wrong. There is outrage when children are forced into right wing demos, the Westboro Baptist Church springs to mind, but the forced politicisation of any child too young to understand the situation is wrong (along with the dif culties it creates for policemen). Were these parents searched for and checked up on by social workers afterwards? To the best of my knowledge, no. Exactly the same point should be made with regards to sexuality. Parents should accept their children’s choice regardless of their own. Those who argue that the children of gay parents will suffer bullying at school have fundamentally misunderstood the concept of bullying. In what sense

should it be the fault of the victims? No child is born homophobic. Whenever the child of a gay couple is abused the blame should go straight to the parents of the abuser, never the abused. It’s exactly the same as the absurd rape culture that claims women should not dress provocatively. To those who claim that gay people do not make good parents I’m not even going to justify such nonsense with a response. Go and look at pictures of Neil Patrick Harris and his family. If you for a second doubt the love and affection those children receive then I’m not entirely sure how you’re reading this or got into university. There are good parents and there are bad parents. This is almost entirely independent of beliefs, political allegiance or sexuality; it comes down to the relationship between parent and child. If parents put their child in danger or makes them suffer or cannot properly care for them, absolutely the authorities should step in to ensure a better life for the child. This is not one of those cases. When there is a potentially dangerous situation proper procedures of investigation must be put in place to discover what is actually occurring in the household. Rashly invading someone’s private life for their public beliefs is an idiotic action.

Benjiman Butcher Features Editor impact-features@bath.ac.uk

t last we have it: a genuine, historic solution to the Middle-Eastern crisis. For the past 60 years, the world has waited for a powerful, international hegemon to step in and tackle the issue which has divided an entire region. On the 27th November 2012, the National Union of Students (NUS) nally called for a cease re between the Palestinians and Israelis. In case you were wondering what I’m talking about, because the BBC didn’t get round to covering it, the NUS – the Union we are all automatically a part of – has now made several statements in regards to the rising tensions in Gaza which have left almost 100 dead. For many students, this will be welcome; it is an important political issue the average young, liberal student might be inclined to support. For others, like myself, to claim a country which you actively support is committing “apartheid” and illegal “sieges”, it is possible to offend. For a large chunk of you however, it will have little or no effect either economically, aesthetically or socially; it is an issue that affects only the tiniest proportion of students.

It is good then that some at the NUS have decided to use you as a statistic in pushing forward a personal goal, for good or bad motives. Making condemnations of international issues is entirely irrelevant to the NUS’s raison d’etre as a “pioneering, innovative and powerful campaigning organisation: the de nitive national voice of students”. At a time when so many young people are missing out on university because of education cuts and tuition fee rises, it seems bizarre that the NUS would donate even a second of their time to solving international crises when they are far from achieving the sole reason for their existence. For the radicals and the politically motivated who attend the National Executive Committee (NEC), a body which decides the platform for the NUS, they are able to use it as a position to further their ideological leanings. They can use the statistics of the NUS – seven million members – to lobby on an issue few of their members know much about. Like many unions, the NUS’s members pay their fee assuming that the union will represent them on a national level and, to be fair, it does produce a lot of positive outcomes. The issue is that some will exploit a certain amount of

Andreas H. Lunde

NUS solves every world problem

Children in the villages of Gaza have not taken to singing the names of NUS of cials in the streets apathy that exists amongst students ways assumed that being a member to the success and failures of the of the NUS was to do with lobbying NUS, but I do know that with the reand lobby on self-seeking issues. And so we come back to Israel- the government for better opportuni- cent abysmal protest in London, its Palestine. The platform the NUS ties for students, not for world peace. failure to make any ground on tuition adopted today is one which, ultimate- There are plenty of non-governmen- fees and other educational issues, ly, the majority of students would tal organisations, charities and po- and the fact that its leader is seemprobably support if shown the facts. litical parties I can join to do that for ingly resented (as an egg or two in the For me however, and perhaps I’m me. The NUS is none of those three face proved at the march) it is clear overreacting, it is a case of selling out things, it is a union with one sole that the NUS should worry more my people for a ten per cent Amazon responsibility: to represent its mem- about issues at home rather than focusing on those happening hundreds discount! I cannot boast of being a bers’ interests. My knowledge fails when it comes of miles away. leading expert on the NUS, but I al-

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Merry non-secular Christmas A

s a child, Hanukkah was one of the most arduous ordeals I could go through. Perhaps it was because my dad didn’t know how to celebrate it having been the typical assimilated Jew in a very ‘unjewish’ Norwich or perhaps it was because he himself had very little desire to take part in the Festival of Lights. Most likely though it was because he knew that no matter how hard he tried, however many stories he told, the Maccabees were never going to compete with Santa Claus. Presents, decorations, food and Christmas-orientated television beat the dreidel every time and, unfortunately, my see-sawing Christian of a mother knew this too. Go down to the basics and Hanukkah is the better holiday; it’s the tale of Jewish freedom ghters battling their last stand vs. the birth of another Jew who may, or may not, have been our Saviour. Christmas has, however, become the centre of our national celebratory calendar; a chance to merge my two favourite things: consumerism and family. Hanukkah, with its focused, spiritual foundations never stood a chance! My poor father watched as I was increasingly dragged into the ever recruiting arms of Christianity.

The idea that this season should, whilst retaining its festive atmosphere, become non-secular is contentious. I heard stories growing up of charity shops taking down decorations to appease the non-believers, of councils banning Christmas and of angry, unrepentant Muslims signing petitions to ban the season altogether (the last one, by the way, was some nonsense story created by some very bigoted people). Why would anyone want to ban Christmas? Nick Grif n must be furious! The story that best captures this was

“

Why would anyone want to ban Christmas?”

Birmingham City Council’s decision to rename Christmas, ‘Winterval’ in the late 1990s. Of course, this was another story concocted by a certain tabloid, Winterval was actually a ploy to draw more people into the festivities in a racially diverse city. It encompassed Diwali, Eid, Christmas, Chinese New Year and yes, Hanukkah. Brummies were encouraged to attend events marking each other’s holidays and appreciate the fact that, unfortunately for Mr Grif n, this is not a Christian country anymore, but one created by many

brilliant, fascinating cultures. People weren’t happy with the holiday, even though the trees still went up and the advent processions were still held and Birmingham was forced to drop the three-month long festival, but it has still remained a key piece of evidence of our ‘war on Christmas’. My father needn’t have worried. I am not Christian now even though, like millions of Brits, I still attend Midnight Mass and feast on the 25th. Christianity is still the majority religion in Britain even though our society is increasingly secularised, but there should be no delusions that, as it stands, Christmas is an all inclusive holiday which many non-Christians celebrate. Many Christians will admit

that a lot of the symbols of Christmas now; trees, turkeys, reindeer and snowmen for example have absolutely nothing to do with the holiday. The phrase ‘the true meaning of Christmas’ gets thrown around a lot. For many Christians, it is the birth of Jesus and we should respect that. But for many, it is a word that stands for family, celebration and festivities at a very bleak time of the year. There should be no ‘war on Christmas’, but rather we should have our cake and eat it too. So spin that dreidel and eat those latkes, light the Diwali candles and bring in the Chinese New Year, but join me as well in having a nonsecular, consumerist Christmas. Happy Holidays! opencontent

Ben Butcher Features Editor impact-features@bath.ac.uk

A merry Christmas to all the earth, be thee Christian or not!

Prisoners barred from voting O

eron stated ‘no-one should be under any doubt; prisoners are not getting the vote under this government’. By law, Parliament has the right to oppose the ruling of the European Court of Human Rights even despite a statement that there would be ‘consequences’ for the UK within Europe should they continue to ignore the law. A Conservative MP, Sir Edward Garnier, has said that “Parliament and the wider general public simply don’t want to be told what to do by the European Court of Human Rights, not least in this par-

ticular regard”. Prior to the vote, the shadow home secretary Yvette Cooper was of the impression that the vote on legislation would strengthen the UK’s argument that the ban should be retained, also stating “you have to keep going back to the European Court on this because I think the job of the European Court is to look at what is proportionate, what is responsible”. Opposition to the change in legislation for prisoner voter rights appears not just from the Conservative government, but also the other half of the miss_millions

Helen Edworthy bathimpact Writer n Thursday 22nd of November, the government outlined a draft bill on prisoner voting. The current blanket ban, meaning no prisoners are allowed to vote, has been labelled ‘unlawful’ by a European ruling. The aim of the vote and subsequent discussion to look at prisoner votes was an attempt by the government to convince judges in Strasbourg that the issue was being considered, at the very least. Options for the change in legislation include allowing prisoners to vote if they are serving less than six months, and votes for those serving less than four years. The current ruling states that the total ban on prisoner voting is a breach of human rights, according to the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR), with further detail stating that while it is up to individual countries to decide which inmates should be allowed to vote, a total ban is in fact illegal. The vote comes in response to another vote in February of 2011, which found the Commons voting against the giving of votes to prisoners in the majority, and last month David Cam-

If you act outside of the law, should you still be able to vote?

coalition and from the majority of Labour MPs. One Labour MP in particular, Steve McCabe, stated “the prime minister and the justice secretary gave us an assurance that this wouldn’t happen and that they would deal with the court”, also calling the response to legislation change just “another broken promise”. Following the vote on the 22nd, the legislation has not been changed, and the ECHR has given the UK government until the end of November to decide how to react, taking into account that they are still outing European Law. The prime minister’s stated views are that prisoners should not get the vote, putting forward the idea that there is a single government view on the issue. Aside from the government, the director of the Prison Reform Trust, Juliet Lyon, criticised the government’s actions, asking whether it was wise for the government to continue outing international law, costing the public millions in compensation claims and nes, as well as ignoring the advice of the attorney general and inspectors of prisons. From those opposing the changes in legislation, concerns over public reactions should prisoners be allowed to vote were mentioned.

Dolphins Thomas Gane bite Editor impact-bite@bath.ac.uk “The second angel poured out his bowl on the sea, and it turned into blood like that of a dead man, and every living thing in the sea died” (Revelations 16:3). Every year in Japan up to 20,000 Dolphins, Porpoises and Pilot Whales are slaughtered for their meat. A large proportion of these deaths occur in Taiji, and those of you who have seen The Cove would agree that the verse above is incredibly apt in describing the massacres. When a pod of Dolphins is spotted they are driven into hidden lagoons by placing poles into the water and striking them to disrupt the Dolphins use of sonar, causing great panic and alarm amongst the pod as they are herded towards their death. First however, the most aesthetically appealing specimens are selected by zoologists to become future stars of agship shows at amusement parks such as Sea World. The “pretty ones” are by no means fortunate as the effects of captivity on Dolphins are widely acknowledged, but it’s an incredible mercy compared to the fate of the others. Once this showcase is over the sherman move in. Using darkness to hide the massacre, they drive poles through the necks of the Dolphins and then cut the throats of those who survive the rst wound. This is clearly a very inhumane means of killing as there are so many Dolphins in such a small space that accuracy becomes impossible. These Dolphins are then sold for their meat. Many would argue this is no different to Western nations slaughtering cattle, but many people in mainland Japan are completely unaware that this is happening or even that they are eating Dolphin as across Japan Dolphin meat is mislabelled or sold as counterfeit Whale meat. Coupled with the potential for mercury poisoning and the proven intelligence of Dolphins this, in my opinion, separates the slaughter from the organised killing of cattle. In recent years the number of Dolphins slaughtered has decreased and the killing season has shortened. This is largely because of increased awareness that documentaries such as The Cove have created, however thousands of Dolphins are still killed every year. As such I implore you to watch The Cove and sign petitions to pressure the Japanese government to stop this murder of intelligent creatures.

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Israel-Palestine con ict explodes Sarah Aston looks at how and why the recent violence has occurred moskoni

The Israel-Palestine con ict has erupted again, to the displeasure of the international community Gaza and Israel. Although the Israelis defended this decision with claims of self – defense and the protection of its citizens, Hamas and the Palestinians residing within the Gaza strip have accused the Israeli government of breaking international law and causing the suffering of Palestinian people. Although unof cially recognized as a state, the Palestinians were due to meet with the United Nations’ General Assembly this month to discuss upgrading their current observer status to non – member status. The political impact of this being that, whilst still not recognized as a formal member of the United Nations, the Palestinian government would have greater international standing and legitimacy. Had talks gone through and Palestine’s status been upgraded, Palestine would have been in a position to call Israel’s

actions since 2006 a breach of international law. In light of rising frustrations within Gaza, the missile attacks on Israel are seen by some as a way to garner international support and raise awareness to the perceived plight of citizens of Gaza suffering as a result of Israeli

“

The Middle-East is once again at crisis point”

blockades. Neither Palestine nor Israel are completely immune to international criticism. Whilst the argument has been made that Hamas have provoked this recent eruption of con ict, Israel’s

Middle-East security Joe Turnbull bathimpact Writer The Middle East is as ever incredibly unstable, and with Civil War causing chaos in Syria, there is a risk that any further escalation of conflict between Palestine and Israel could destabilise the entire region. Problems are well documented; Israel is surrounded by states that it sees as its enemy and the feeling is mutual. Iran, who publicly states its will to destroy Israel, is said to provide funds and arms to a number of groups, including the ruling party in Gaza, Hamas. As Syria becomes more and more lawless, with the risk that the Civil War pours over into

surrounding countries, terrorist groups could use Syria as a base to attack Israel. And with support from Iran, who now dominate the region after Iraq’s regime collapse in 2003, these groups pose a real threat to Israel. A land invasion of Gaza will undoubtedly cause a response from other terrorist groups in the area and these fears already seem to be becoming a reality after the bomb blast on a bus in Tel Aviv which may be a response from other groups. Furthermore, problems are posed by the strength of Hamas, who seem to have reaffirmed their reputation as the strongest Palestinian resistance force. This could lead to further tensions be-

tween Hamas and Fatah, the ruling party of the West Bank. While Fatah have typically been far less militarily active and have renounced terrorism recently, there is a risk that this conflict could damage relations between the two which will only cause further tension. The ceasefire announced on Wednesday has put a temporary stop to the conflict, but as ever it is unlikely it will hold for long and it doesn’t have the long term clauses many were hoping for. Without any long term peace, and Hamas acquiring more advanced rocket technology capable of travelling longer distances, the region is far from secure.

claims of self-defense have also come under scrutiny. Although, Hamas seek to gain state recognition against Israel and it is the very fact that the Gaza is not yet recognized that has led to calls of Israeli attack to be challenged; as Gaza is not considered an of cial state, some argue it is still under Israeli occupation and as a result Israeli actions cannot be seen as self defense. What is clear is that as the con ict continues and the casualties rise, the less certain the outcome will be. Indeed, what was originally a con ict over territory, with both Israel and Palestine claiming ownership of land surrounding the Gaza strip and Jerusalem, has escalated in current years. This escalation will only get worse once Palestine secure non – member status within the UN and can threaten to report the Israeli government to the

International Court of Law. Most international actors call for a two state resolution and a dividing of territory. making this con ict one of many that have occurred over a fortyyear period. Internationally then, the recent con ict has caused a headache for key players such as the United States and the European Union. Indeed, Obama has backed Israel’s decision to bombard the Gaza strip in order to neutralize violent factions of Hamas yet in doing so runs the risk of pushing the Palestinians into the arms of Iran. This is looking more and more likely with reports of Iranian missiles being used against Israel in the recent attack. Within the region Israel must be careful not to alienate Egypt. Indeed, with support from both Turkey and Iran, the Palestinian quest for recognition as an of cial state, territorial gains and an upgraded UN status appears to be gaining prominence. With Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan so unstable – Israel is currently in a delicate situation. Certainly, bellicose language from the Prime Minister has alluded to possible con ict with Iran in the near future. To be successful the state would be wise to limit anti – Israeli sentiment. What the future holds for relations between Israel and Palestine is far from easy to predict. Factors such as whether the UN considers Palestine’s request for an upgrade, whether Iran will seek to involve itself in regional con icts more. and nally whether Israel and Palestine will ever agree on border divisions will all affect how the two sides will develop. What is certain at this point in time is that the Middle East is once again at crisis point and that the international community must keep an eye on unfolding events. Takver

ver the last few weeks the world has seen a rapid unfolding of events within the Middle East. France and Britain have of cially recognized the Syrian opposition, Egypt has proven its ability to act as a global mediator in events outside its borders and once again con ict has erupted in Gaza between the Palestinians and Israelis. Coming at such a troubled time for the Middle East, the renewed ghting between the two sides is highly signi cant. At the point of going to press, a cease re has taken place and is currently being maintained. In the last few days both Hamas and Israeli leaders have issued statements and put forward conditions for the negotiation process that is currently being led by the neighbouring state of Egypt. The likelihood of a successful cease re at this point in time, however, is tenuous. Indeed, despite international calls from the United States, the European Union and Russia for both parties to begin diplomatic negotiations there is still fear within Gaza of a ground attack implemented by Israeli soldiers. Speaking to the BBC, Israel has stated they would be prepared to discuss the ending of con ict, yet in the very same statement spoke of a readiness to implement a ground attack. The relationship between the Palestine government and Israel has come under increasing tension since 2006 and the Palestinian election that led to the rise of Hamas. Recognized by the European Union and the United States as a leading terrorist group that is accused of recklessly endangering the lives of civilians to achieve policy goals, the election led to the Israel government blockading the border between

Protests erupted around the world condemning Israel’s actions

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Inside Father Christmas’ workshop

Vishala Ramswami talks about the toy industry’s festive boom out with an updated version of the classic board game which features electronic banking, and the topselling toy animals this year both feature interactive technology: Doggie Doo (£22) is a Daschund puppy who rather bizarrely excretes faeces that must be cleaned up, and Milky the Bunny (£57.99) is a white rabbit that wiggles his

paws when tickled, twitches his nose and blinks his eyes. But the greatest affirmation of the movement away from traditional towards technological toys comes from a comparison of growth rates for various toy markets: the global video game industry grew by ten per cent in 2011, whilst the corresponding figure

MuLaN

hristmas is fast approaching, and the toy industry is one of the many sectors of the economy that will benefit from the spirit of generosity that this season brings with it. The months of October, November and December are the especially important for toy companies; as Mads Nipper, marketing head at Lego, puts it: “Business is seasonal and we have to live with that.” Whilst the giving of toys to children as Christmas gifts is a long-cherished tradition, the trends in the toy market are constantly changing; as expected, the market is currently dominated by technological toys. The LeapPad Explorer (£79.99), an Ipad-inspired computer tablet designed especially for children, has enjoyed such tremendous sales that LeapPad Enterprises, one of the fastest growing toy companies, is struggling to meet demand, and has stopped accepting bulk orders from retailers. Traditional favourites have also been re-incarnated with a technological twist: Monopoly has come

Hamleys is famous for setting the toy trends at Christmas

for the traditional toy industry was a mere three per cent. Another major change in toy buying trends over the years has been driven by gender: back in the 1950s, the Barbie Doll had a choice of two possible careers: bride or model, today Barbie’s career options have widened considerably to include firefighter, President of the United States, police officer and computer engineer, amongst many others. In another bid to cater to changing gender norms, toy companies which have traditionally been associated with boys have launched products that cater specifically to girls in recent years, such as Meccano’s toolbox for girls. Meanwhile, Top Toy, Sweden’s largest toy company has launched a gender neutral catalog, which features boys playing with dolls and girls wielding toy machine guns, in order to win over the growing numbers of parents who do not wish to buy their child a hetero-normative Christmas gift. Jan Nyber, head of Sales at Top Toy, explains their new move by

saying: “For several years, we have found that the gender debate has grown so strong in the Swedish market that we ... have had to adjust.” Yet another significant change in the market for children’s toys has come in the form of a rapidly growing customer base for luxury toys. One of the most popular high-end toys for children is the luxury playhouse, the most famous example of which is the set of £150,000 Hogwarts-inspired tree houses that J.K. Rowling designed for her children. If one measly playhouse will not do, playhouse manufactures like Lilliput can create an entire custom play village in your backyard, such as the Tudor-styled village complete with a miniature castle, adjoining stable, fire station and village market that they built for one of their clients. With the soaring seasonal toy sales, and children being indulged with the choicest of gifts, it’s little wonder that the Christmas season is referred to as the ‘Golden Quarter’ by UK retailers.

Beauty is in the skin of the beholder I

products is already half the projected global market worth for tanning products in 2015 – the country’s market for such products is currently valued at around $400 million. Again the products are popular because they denote beauty and wealth much like tanning products do. But why is lighter, whiter, paler skin linked to the idea of beauty and success when here it is the opposite?

“

The products are popular because they denote beauty”

In the case of India, the desire to have lighter skin is said to be deeply rooted in culture, especially the caste system and it’s been this way for centuries; the whiter you are, the further up the social ladder you will climb. Some also attribute colonial rule of the British Empire over India to aiding such notions of paler skin. Yet, looking at the country’s history and heritage is not the only way of explaining why there is the desire for lighter, whiter, paler skin and thus the demand for these products. Present day culture is also to blame. Bollywood is a huge cultural vehicle

that transmits many cultural messages. In terms of the skin colour debate, Bollywood helps to reinforce the aforementioned ideals as many of the stars are ‘fair skinned’ themselves; they are also ‘rich’, ‘successful’, ‘beautiful’ and ‘inspirational’. Add to the fact some Bollywood stars appear in adverts as ‘brand ambassadors’ promoting skin lightening creams, such as Hindustan, Unilever’s (HUL) ‘Fair & Lovely’ and Emami’s ‘Fair & Handsome’. But it does not stop there. The names of the products themselves reinforce cultural values, especially when it is said that in India the words ‘fair’ and ‘beautiful’ mean the same thing (nice branding from both the above companies!). The advertising plays a vital role, too. For ‘Fair & Lovely’, the market leader in India, it is estimated that HUL spends between $5 and $7 million on that one product alone. And these adverts have been around for decades, each generating rounds of new sets of aspirations. They not only create new ideals, they also fuel class/ caste divides; an advert depicting the father of a darker skinned girl wishing he had a son because he would help provide for him suggests that because of his daughter’s skin colour, she could not get a job or get married and thus support her father. The advert goes on to show that after using the skin

lightening product, she gets a better job and thus becomes successful – all because of her skin colour. The advert was subsequently banned in India after a campaign claiming it to be racist. And this is the issue here. Should companies provide products because there is a demand for them? Or do companies have a moral duty to think about the impact their products have on wider society? Whilst companies would argue they did not create the notion of lighter, whiter, paler skin be-

ing preferable, it could be argued that they are adding fuel to the re. And if we come back to our own culture here in the UK, whilst the consequences are not as divisive, there are still creations of perceptions that become accepted as the norm which can have negative effects on the way people see themselves and others. So long as there is something driving people’s perception of colour, the grass is always going to look greener, or should that be lighter/ darker, on the other side. NewsMasaala

Rhiannon Fitz-Gerald bathimpact Writer n the UK, the fake tanning business is worth around £50 million. Women – and men – slap on the magical stuff and watch their skin transform from milky white to glistening bronze. Why? Is it because it makes us look better or does it just symbolise our wealth because we are able to spend our cash on ‘luxury’ products? Or is it because to have a real tan means that you either live in some far ung, hot, exotic paradise or that you can afford to go to a far ung, hot exotic paradise? Throw in the fact that the majority of white models/ celebrities never seem to actually be ‘white’ because they often have a ‘glow’ to them and the above notions are reinforced in our society. And there is the argument that one can have a ‘healthy glow’ from a tan too. But that is in our society. In other societies and cultures, the desire for lighter, whiter, paler skin is the predominant norm. And in monetary terms, that is worth a whole lot more than tanning. By 2015, it is estimated that the global market for tanning products will be worth around $750 million. Yet that gure is eclipsed by the global market for skin lightening products by more than 10 times: $10 billion. In India alone the market for lightening

Salman Khan is an example of Bollywood’s light skin obsession

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Hu Jintao oversaw economic growth between 2003-2012 Under its new leadership, the Chinese Communist Party will have to manage the behemothic economy, described by many as “a train without a locomotive, losing power all of a sudden and just gliding forward with inertia.” This sudden “inertia” appears to have stemmed from a halting of the economic slowdown China experienced in the early 21st century. China appears to be embarking on what Stephen Green, Standard Chartered Bank analyst, describes as “a U-shaped recovery”. The country has seen a rise in industrial output from 8.6 per cent in August to 9.6 per cent in October respectively as well as increased success in foreign trade, consumer goods and xed assets investment paints a prosperous economic future for the Chinese.

USA £15tn

China £7.5tn

UK £2.4tn

The comparative GDPs of the USA, UK and China; (IMF, 2011)

These successes are, according to Zhang ping, National Development and Reform Commission Minister, a result of economic restructuring within the Communist party. Sound economic restructuring of the Chinese economy in 2007 has ensured success thus far, which has seen a growth in retail sale of consumer goods from 13.2 per cent in August 2012 to 14.5 per cent in October. Zhang advocates that continued expansion of domestic demand is the key to “steady and fast economic growth.” This, along with more effective coordination within the primary, secondary and tertiary sectors of the economy and the formulation of 42 detailed rules to promote private investment seeks to encourage further economic growth. A 62 per cent increase in the proportion of private investment suggests that this is already successful. Urbanization and rural development have not been neglected, with the ratio of urban population among total population achieving 51.3 per cent in 2011, and signi cant improvements made in Chinese rural regions, rural infrastructure, living conditions and public services. Zhang does recognize, however, need for further improvement, in particular concerning “excessive production and extensive management” amongst Chinese industry. Although it may seem like it is invincible, China is approaching its economy with caution in recognizing the implications of overall slow global economic recovery and the continuing nancial crisis. This, combined with various changes within the Chinese economy itself, may hinder the growth of the economy or halt it altogether if not coordinated effectively. I think it is safe to say though that China is looking forward to a very prosperous future.

Economics of... Christmas

is the season of mass consumption; a time for us to celebrate the immaculate conception of capitalism and how it came to dominate the world! There are few Christian holidays that haven’t been turned into any liberal’s wet dream and Christmas is perhaps the showpiece: in 2010 the UK spent an estimated £16.7 billion on gifts. The average person will spend about £162 on food and drink with £62 saved for socialising. One of my favorite things about Christmas is the hustle and bustle of thousands of people descending on a bleak Reading town center to buy all assortments of things, but this again has been revolutionized, like porn and information before it, by the internet. In America, 39 per cent of presents are bought online. It may not seem like a lot, but this remarkable evolution in where we buy our stuff has been one of the leading causes of the high-street recession we have seen in recent years. The whole idea of exchanging gives in a confusing economic principle. For the giver of the gift, the value of a present is done by the sale value of the product; £10 for a novelty tie, £45 for a Furby. However, for the receiver, the economic value is measured purely on how useful they nd it. They might only wear the tie for once or twice a year and the Furby will de nitely break or get thrown aside when the new model comes out. The economic value is therefore destroyed. The interest-

ing thing about this season is that with all the thought we put into our gifts, one in ten presents will be sold on or returned at a relatively large price discount; normally around 20 per. On Boxing Day 2011, 1.5m unwanted gifts went online; we clearly don’t like to wait! Economically speaking, Christmas as a season doesn’t make sense. It’s good for the economy and high-street, but why would people buy something that isn’t fully appreciated to its economic cost? Well, there is a ipside to this. Although all the ties, DVDs, books and other rubbish we buy our family may well not be appreciated to its equivalent numerical value, there is an aesthetic ipside. A personal painting which gets hung up in a living room or a cheap, market-bought gift with sentimental attachment will normally far extend its economic value. Therefore, by using simple economic ideas of rate of returns, we can answer that age-old question of ‘what is the true meaning of Christmas?’ The answer to this is clearly sentimentalism. Everyone remembers that advert with the little boy who goes to John Lewis to buy a gift for their parents, who counts down the days until he can gift it to their parents. That year John Lewis saw a 6.2 per cent rise in sales in the weeks running up to Christmas. I think that this just goes to show that whilst the aesthetic pleasure we gain from Christmas is it’s true meaning, business, as usual, is happily banking in on it! oatsy40

Alexandra Egan bathimpact Writer he 18th Communist Party Conference, which took place between the 8th and 15th November, saw the replacement of Hu Jintao with Xi Jinping as the new head of the Chinese Communist party. This marks a pivotal moment in history which many are unlikely to forget, even more so as China’s economy continues to excel, expected to take over the US as largest economy as early as 2016. Jinping will become, as of March 2013, potentially the most powerful man in the world during his decadelong leadership, in charge of what is already the largest country in terms of population with over 1.3 billion Chinese citizens and what will soon become the world’s new economic leader. Prime Minister Wen Jiabao will step down along with Jintao, as well as all but two of the seven members of the Politburo standing committee. This change will diffuse gradually to other key leadership bodies within the party and a changing-of-hands of the Central Committee will also occur. Ranking third behind Japan and the United States of America in the late 20th century, China currently ranks as the second largest economic power, but is set to be the certain largest economy in the world according to the research institution Frost & Sullivan, with a GDP expected to consist of $38 trillion by 2025. It is also expected to overtake the Eurozone by the end of the year.

dilmarouseff

The dragon economy

Monday 3rd December 2012

bathimpact

Activities

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Oxford, the United Nation & Diplomacy BUMUN’s Secretary General Ilianna Kontini talks about recent events but content. Following that uplifting weekend in Oxford the MUN society then turned its focus for another important event: the World Food Program (WFP) FAME XIII Fundraiser! It was an evening of high fashion (thanks to the generous sponsorship of L.K. Bennett & Traffic People) and excellent dance and music performances topped with an ambiance of multiculturalism and humanitarian

ing a difference may be hard, but it is definitely not impossible! We have also been involved in a lot of charity work closer to home with the WFP. The fashion show was a huge success, bringing in over £2000 and we look forward to do more events throughout the

year. Every day 925 million people go hungry, and while we are not able to relieve them all the WFP manages to feed around 100 million of them each year. We appreciate everyone who supported us and look forward to holding more events in the future.

But for now, catch you on the flip side for more UN related activities! To experience the Model UN on campus check out our website at www.bathstudent.com/socs/societies/bumun BUMUN

hether it was debating in the historical colleges of Oxford University, walking around the beautiful old town or fundraising for a United Nations charity, the Bath University Model UN society has had an amazing semester! In the beginning of November, five BUMUN members joined hundreds of delegates from all around the world in Oxford University for the 13th session of the Oxford Model United Nations Conference. There, among the picturesque backdrop of the Bodleian library and the Sheldonian Theatre our delegates began practicing the centuries-old art of diplomacy. A number of issues were tackled among the different committees that we participated in: topics such as migration, food scarcity and bio-trade were discussed while solutions were found to the question of Cyprus in the Historical Security Council. After three intense days of lobbying, negotiations and resolution writing our delegates had reached consensus with their committees, met a ridiculous amount of people (and tried to remember everyone’s names!) and went home exhausted

“

The WFP manages to feed around 100 million people”

awareness. Aside from having a good time, our 250 guests helped us raise over £2000 in support of the Molly’s Food Campaign aimed at reducing the presence of poverty in school-age children in the slums of Nairobi, Kenya. Encouraged by the willingness of our generation to sacrifice much needed weekends in order to find solutions to global problems, the MUN society is ending the semester with the knowledge that mak-

The Bath University Model United Nations team celebrate the success of the WFP fashion show

TEDx in Bath Knitting out of trouble This isn’t another article on neuroscience or how to get smarter, more creative and successful, and how to achieve your fullest potential. It is about TED.com. If you haven’t heard about TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) you have probably postponed the birth of a few ideas and real inspiration. TED. com offers the so called TED talks, held by experts on topics like science, art, communication, sustainable development, design, creativity, all recorded at the annual conferences in Long Beach/ Palm Springs and Edinburgh, Scotland. The fee to get to an event like this starts at $2500, and invitations only. It’s pretty cliquey. To watch the videos on the website though doesn’t require even registration. So it’s never too late to start with your online video marathon to catch up on the last technological developments, inequality issues or just to enjoy some of the most hilarious performers ever. TED. com has over 800 million visi-

tors and because this is such an awesome way of sharing ideas its brain child TEDx was created (x = independently organized event). Still in the spirit of “ideas worth spreading” TEDx are held in over 130 countries around the world. They are unique gatherings of like-minded people driven by inspiring ideas just like the TED conferences, but cheaper. The recordings of the lectures are seen by over 40 000 people every day and as we speak someone is probably watching one. Now TEDx is coming to you here in Bath. TEDxBathUniversity is organized by IDEIA on the 9th February 2013. It will be a day-long event full of fascinating talks and labs. Innovative technology, music and sustainability will be discusses by toptier managers, adventurers and entrepreneurs. http://tedxbathuniversity. co.uk/ to keep up to date with the confirmed speakers and initiatives and ticket sales.

Fiona Rust KnitSoc Treasurer

This year is the second in which the national domestic violence charity Refuge, Simply Knitting magazine and hundreds of volunteers have joined together to support families escaping from domestic violence. Last year 850 blankets were donated and over £4000 raised to give comfort to women and children in Refuge safe houses. This year knitted bears as well as blankets are being donated so every child who arrives in a Refuge safe house can have something to comfort them; a huge task as every day refuge support 2000 women and children. As a group of enthusiastic knitters KnitSoc launched in and encouraged all our members to knit a square, to see how many blankets we could make. Even complete beginners could knit a square after a small amount of practice. As Robin Wolman said “It’s great to be able to see something formed from a ball of yarn. I’ve actually been able to make something” as for many it was their rst ever knitting project. Even those who had been knitting for years were challenged with some of the intricacies of the patterned squares. After two months of work

and 48 squares later we have two completed blankets to donate. So where will our blankets go? The women and children arriving at a Refuge safe house are in a desperate situation. Many arrive with nothing, with nowhere to call their home. Some of these children will have gone through terrible experiences and to know that someone, somewhere, has cared enough to knit them something to comfort them will make a huge difference to them in their hour of need. Refuge is an amazing charity helping people with nowhere else to turn all over the country and KnitSoc has been proud to be able to support this

campaign. This is a great example of how giving even a few hours a week in the comfort of your own home can make a real difference to other people’s lives. As one of our members, Danielle Norman, puts it “It’s great to do something you enjoy and help people at the same time”. Those who can already knit have found that meeting other knitters and all working towards the same project has created a great social aspect to something that can sometimes be seen as a solitary activity. It has brought all our members closer together, new and old, and has been a great achievement for our society. KnitSoc

Monika Zapyranova TEDx Coordinator

KnitSoc hard at work on blankets for those forced out of homes.

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Η ζωή μου στο όμορφο Bath

Maria Azini μιλά για το Bath την έλλειψη ήλιου και την Κυπριακή κοινότητα προτιμάμε ελληνικά και κυπριακά προιόντα. Ακόμη μερικοί από ‘μας, λαμβάνουμε μέρος σε εκδηλώσεις παρουσιάζοντας τα ήθη και τα έθιμα του τόπου μας. Πρόσφατα μάλιστα μια ομάδα φοιτητών χόρεψε συρτάκι σε μια φιλανθρωπική εκδήλωση και μας έκαναν όλους πολύ περήφανους. Βρίσκομαι λίγα μέτρα πριν από το σπίτι μου και περπατώντας στα στενά δρομάκια του Bath νοσταλγώ την πατρίδα μου. Εμείς, τα παιδιά του ήλιου και της ζέστης, ζούμε τώρα σε μια χώρα όπου η βροχή δεν σταματάει σχεδόν ποτέ. Ο ουρανός πάντα μουντός. Σπάνια να δεις μια ηλιόλουστη μέρα. Νοσταλγώ τα υπέροχα καλοκαίρια που τα περνούσα με καλή παρέα δίπλα στο κύμα. Είναι κάτι που όμοιο του δεν θα βρεις στην Αγγλία. Η θάλασσα και ο ήλιος της Κύπρου είναι αυτά που την κάνουν τόσο ξεχωριστή. Είναι και κάτι άλλο που μου λείπει πολυ. Το κυπριακό φαγητό, κάτι που η αλήθεια είναι οτι δεν εκτιμούσα σχεδόν καθόλου στην Κύπρο. Θα έδινα τα πάντα για ένα κυπριακό πιάτο μαγειρεμένο από την γιαγιά μου. Ξέρεις, θα έφτιαχνε 3 (μπορεί και 4) διαφορετικά πιάτα και θα

σέρβιρε τις μεγαλύτερες μερίδες του κόσμου. Η αλήθεια να λέγεται όμως, δεν κακοπερνάμε εδώ στο Bath. Είμαστε πολύ τυχεροί γιατί σπουδάζουμε σε ένα από τα καλύτερα πανεπιστήμια της Αγγλίας και συγχρόνως ζούμε σε μια από τις πιο όμορφες πόλεις του

κόσμου. Η αρχιτεκτονική του Bath είναι κάτι που με ενθουσίασε απο την πρώτη κιόλας στιγμή. Όπως και ο κόσμος επίσης. Ευγενικοί και φιλικοί άνθρωποι, πρόθυμοι να σε βοηθήσουν ότι και αν χρειαστείς. Λατρεύω να περπατώ στους δρόμους του Bath, κυριώς όταν η πίεση των μαθημάτων φτάνει στο

απροχώρητο μια βόλτα στα μικρά χαριτωμένα δρομάκια είναι οτι μου χρειάζεται. Ειδικότερα τώρα που η πόλη είναι στολισμένη και το πνεύμα των Χριστουγέννων είναι διάχυτο παντού, το κέντρο της πόλης του Bath μοιάζει σαν ένα μικρό χριστουγεννιάτικο χωριό. XeniaChristou

ία και πέντε η ώρα και τέλος τα lectures για σήμερα. Σιγά σιγά οι φοιτητές του Bath παίρνουν τα πράγματα τους και κατευθύνονται προς την στάση των λεωφορείων. Η ουρά τεράστια! Κάπου εκεί μέσα λοιπόν, βρίσκομαι και εγώ,να περιμένω στην σειρά για να πάρω το λεωφορείο. Έρχεται λοιπόν κάποια στιγμή και η δική μου σειρά και κάπως έτσι ξεκινά η διαδρομή μου για το κέντρο της πόλης του Bath. Η θέα που μπορεί να αντικρίσει κανείς διασχίζοντας το γνωστό σε όλους Bathwick Hill είναι απλά πανέμορφη. Η πόλη αρχίζει να ξεδιπλώνεται σιγά σιγά μπροστά μας. Κατεβαίνω στην στάση του ‘OPA’ - έτσι το λέμε εμείς οι Κύπριοι - λόγω του ότι ακριβώς σε εκείνη την στάση υπάρχει ένα ελληνικό κέντρο με αυτό το όνομα. Είναι γεγονός οτι ο ελληνικός πληθυσμός που βρίσκεται στο εξωτερικο συνδιάζει το κάθετι με πράγματα που του θυμήζουν την πατρίδα του και τιμά την παράδοση του. Κατά κάποιο τρόπο ξυπνά το ελληνικό στοιχείο μέσα μας. Για παράδειγμα ακούμε ελληνική μουσική και

Ο υπέροχος ήλιος της Κύπρου που μας λείπει τόσο πόλυ εδώ στην Αγγλία ...

Türkiye’m ve Güzel İstanbu... O

zledim… Doğusundan Batısına, Kuzeyinden Güneyine, yemeğiyle, giyimiyle, müziğiyle, sevinçleri kederleri ile… Kültürünün zenginliği, özgünlüğü, derinliği, yalınlığı ile… İnsanının sıcaklığı, doğallığı, meşhur misa rperverliği ile… Herkesi kendine hayran bırakan doğal güzellikleri, tarihi, milli değerleri ile… Bu özel, bu eşsiz, ünlü yönetmen Nuri Bilge CEYLAN’ın da dediği gibi “Tutku ile sevdiğim yalnız ve güzel ülkemi” Türkiyemi özledim… Asya’yı Avrupa’ya bağlayan, Pierre Loti’yi büyüleyen İstanbul’umun güzelliğini mi anlatsam yoksa, Egenin narin incisi, Victor Hugo’nun “prenses” olarak andığı İzmir’imi yazsam bilemedim… Kuzeye, Karadenize mi yolculuğa çıkarsam sizi, onlarca farklı ton yeşilinde, zengin gür ormanlarında mı büyülensek, doğasına hayran kalıp ıslansak hırçın yağmurunda… Doğuya Gaziantep’e, Mardin’e, Ağrı’ya Van’a mı uzansak sıcak insanların, türlü dinlerin, dillerin tarih boyunca bir arada yaşadığı, kültürlerin beşiğinde, binlerce yıllık zenginlikte mi kaybolsak… Güneye inip eşsiz Akden-

izin hem denizinin hem de meşhur mutfağının key ne mi varsak… Yoksa Konya’ya Mevleviler diyarına gidip, ruhumuzu mu doyursak… İşte Türkiye bu yüzden yeryüzünde bir cennet. Yapılacak, gezilip görülecek ve hayran kalınacak o kadar çok şey var ki hepsi başlı başına eşsiz birer deneyim. Ama İstanbul’un yeri başka…

Güzelliği ile onlarca şairin aşkı, kitapların gözbebeği, lmlerin yıldızı olmuş, fethiyle çağ kapatıp çağ başlatmıştır. İstanbul yaklaşık 17 milyon nüfusu ile Türkiye’nin en kalabalık şehridir. Aslında İstanbul, Türkiye’nin çok kültürlülüğünün, diliyle inancıyla onlarca farklılığın bir arada nasıl yaşayabildiğinin bir örneğidir. Türkiye’nin adeta bir GreenwichPhotography

Bathaun Kol bathimpact yazar

Istanbul eski bir geçmişi olan güzel bir şehir

özetidir İstanbul. Farklı kültürlerin zenginliği ile beslenen ve gün geçtikçe yenilenen ve yenilenerek genç kalabilen bir şehirdir. İki yakası farklı kıtalarda sonlanan bu şehrin her yanı farklı tarihi ve doğal güzelliklerle süslüdür. Şehrin tarihi yarımada olarak adlandırılan kısmında, Osmanlı İmparatorluğu’nun en eski ve döneminin en uzun süre ikamet edilmiş saraylarından, bugün yüz binlerce turist tarafından merakla ziyaret edilen Topkapı Sarayı, tarihte hem Müslüman hem de Hristiyanlar için büyük önem taşıyan ve bu sebeple liderimiz M. Kemal Atatürk tarafından müzeye çevrilip kapılarını herkese açan Ayasofya Müzesi ve İstanbul’un en büyük kapalı sarnıcı olan, büyüleyici atmosferi ile binlerce ziyarete ev sahipliği yapan, Osmanlı İmparatorluğu’ndan kalma Yere Batan Sarnıcı bulunmaktadır. Yüz binlerce turist tarafından ilgili ile ziyaret edilen Kapalı Çarşı ve Mısır Çarşısı bu bölgenin en ilgi çekici alışveriş merkezleridir. İstanbul, Osmanlı döneminden kalma, toplam 18 saraya ev sahipliği yapmaktadır. Bunlardan, Topkapı Sarayı’nın yanında, Dolmabahçe Sarayı, Çırağan Sarayı ve Beylerbeyi Sarayı ziyaret edilmesi gerekenlerin

başında gelir. Güzellikleri ile dönemin zenginliğini yansıtmaktadırlar. Eşsiz atmosferi ile herkesi büyüleyen Galata Kulesini ziyaret edip, Beyoğlu’nun o kendine has güzel sokaklarında İstanbul’un tadını çıkarabilirsiniz. İstanbul Boğazı’nda bir tekne turu yapmak ardından Rumeli veya Anadolu Hisarında bir Türk kahvesi içmek ya da Üsküdar sahilinde bir gezintiye çıkıp, Kız Kulesi’nden bu büyüleyici şehrin her iki yakasına bakıp, şehrin güzelliğine hayran kalabilirsiniz. Şehrin keşmekeşinden uzaklaşıp, dinlenmek için ise İstanbul dokuz Ada’sı ile sizi bekliyor. Araç tra ğinin yasak olduğu ve sadece yayalar, bisikletliler ve faytonların hakim olduğu Adaların, dingin ve tazeleyici ruhu sizi kendine hayran bırakacak bir diğer güzelliktir bu şehirde. Ve daha bahsedemediğim birçok şey… İstanbul, tüm doğal ve tarihi güzellikleri, çok çeşitli ve renkli kültürü ile Türkiye’min dolu dolu bir özeti… Herkesin görmesi, yaşaması mutlaka deneyimlemesi gereken bir şehir. To read this article about Turkey’s immense culture in English, you can see it online at bathimpact.tumblr.com

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Buon natale e felice anno nuovo! Scarlett Clark takes on our fesitve theme to discuess Christmas in Italy victoriareay

child through and through, Christmas time leads me to write my Christmas cards on 1st December. I begin creating Christmas playlists the rst few weeks of November. In Italy though, the 8th December is the of cial beginning of the festivities. According to Catholic doctrine it was the day Virgin Mary was born free of the original sin that has af icted humankind ever since the Fall of Man in the Garden of Eden. The day is marked with beautiful, elaborate, and emotionally charged processions throughout Italy. Moreover, as 8th December is a public holiday with most people off work, it is also the day when many Italians put up Christmas trees and other holiday decorations. It may torture me to say this but forget Santa Claus. Forget silently dreaming of the round bellied man with a white beard who carries gifts, or coal for some of you. The Italians celebrate the early hours of the 25th attending the “Messa di mezzanotte”. Priests wear their nery and choirs chant Latin among scents of incense and melting wax. It is truly magical to walk through the streets

fruits. It comes from Milan but is enjoyed all throughout the country either as breakfast with coffee or with prosecco on New Year’s Eve. I have actually had my pannettone sent to me this year. It is always funny seeing my great grand-mother (who is 95 years old) slightly tippled after a slice of Christmas cake but Pannettone is the dessert I shall be sharing this year.

“

Exchanging gifts is at the bottom of the long, Christmas list”

Rome decorated for the festive season which mixes Italian and Catholic tradition in darkness, gathering in a dimly-lit courtyard and ling into a candlelit church. Spiritual and whimsical, it really does highlight the meaning of Christmas; exchanging gifts is at the bottom of a long list according to Italian Christmas. I would also like to take this chance to share my discovery that the most popular gifts to receive in Italy are lingerie and

kitchen tools, an invite most possibly to a very exciting Christmas night, I am sure. According to O. Henry “Family and religion and patriotism are nothing but shadows of words when a man is starving.” A church full of hungry Italians is pretty hard to imagine, so I ask you to imagine Joey Tribuani from Friends and multiply

him by 100, and then imagine the a herd of famished beasts running home in a rampage. You may have guessed; it comes as no surprise that the secondary role is taken up by food. Italian Christmas dinner is typically Italian, although on Christmas Eve sh is mandatory. Every meal is followed by “Pannettone”; a soft poundcake lled with candied

I have had my fair share of Christmases in Italy, from sitting in a bar in a vest to being snowed under which is pretty easy being only 5ft. It could be that a candlelit mass or the idea of a sh Christmas dinner takes your fancy or perhaps it’s the gift exchanging, whichever one it is you can’t deny that Italians work to their own beat, and boy don’t they know how to celebrate so Buon Natale and Felice Anno Nuovo!

Christmas in Paris Silent nights zels, Italian calzone, Spanish churros. Nevertheless, there is a twist; not pretzels but bretzels; calzone lled with emmental; the churros renamed ‘chi-chis’ and served with lashings of Nutella. This is France, after all. I hurry on. Mercifully, the food gives way to trinkets. Flowers immortalised in glass sit next to preserved-leaf sculptures. A man selling Russian dolls glances enviously at his neighbour, who is doing a roaring trade in Bonzo-Bonzo (don’t ask). Crossing the road throws me into a maelstrom of shoppers; I nearly upend a display of Egyptian jewellery. Hurrying on past the ice rink, I nd a metal worker selling pendants. I buy

one, to my own dismay, but in return he agrees to a short interview. Having plied his trade since 1985, this is only the second year he has sold on the market. Business is good, rent is cheap and universally high prices mean he makes a decent pro t. Now that I’ve got change, I impulsively buy canelés, little cinnamon puddings that melt in the mouth. Clutching my purchases, I realise I’ve spent far too much and hurry back to the Metro. On the way I see Santa, still in his globe. He’s sitting down now, the lazy sod. But I guess it’s still a month until Christmas. volantwish

Tom Ash bathimpact Writer Emerging from the Metro onto the Champs Elysées, I am greeted with a chorus of murmured ‘Bonsoir Monsieur’. It isn’t speci cally aimed at me, of course; this is the standard opener used by Paris’ homeless, of whom several sit huddled in their duvets. All around them is Christmas Paris’ markets somehow distil the spirit of the city, and none more so than the Marché de Noel on the famous presidential avenue. French artisan-ship is married with consumerism to form a heady atmosphere, designed to part hardnosed Parisians from their cash. As I walk down the boulevard to the sound of Dean Martin, I resolve not to buy anything. Not even from the man dressed as Santa standing in a gigantic snow-globe. Famous last words, for the French businessman is cunning; a sensory barrage of smells ensues. Aside from the usual, burger-based fare, there are the French classics; tarti ette, vin chaud (white or red, with a dash of rum) and wheels of almond nougat that could kill a man if they fell over. What is surprising, though, is the prevalence of foreign cuisine; German pret-

Paris is even more enchanting on Christmas evenings

Caroline Leach bathimpact Writer If you think you’ve experienced a proper christmassy Christmas but you haven’t been to Germany in December then think again. Because you haven’t. The Germans basically invented Christmas as you know it. The Christmas tree? Brought over to Britain thanks to George III’s German wife and then further popularised by Queen Victoria’s husband Prince Albert, also German. That quintessential Christmas carol Silent Night? Actually originated as Stille Nacht, heilige Nacht, by the composer Joseph Mohr. So technically he was Austrian, but he wrote it in German so that still counts. Think mulled wine is tasty? Try Glühwein, its German counterpart, it literally tastes like Christmas. The star on the tree of the German Christmas experience though has to be the German Christmas market. Now I know what you’re thinking, Bath has its own Christmas market, and it is lovely. There’s pretty lights and hot chocolate and overpriced foot stools that look like sheep. What could be better? Well my friend, Germany is better. Pretty much every single town in Germany from the tiniest Dorf to the biggest Stadt could see Bath’s attempt and go one hundred times better. It’s not just the

Glühwein (although it really is better, trust me), it’s also the food. Bratwurst is just the start of the culinary delights that Germany has to offer. You have not lived until you’ve tasted Lebkuchen, a gingery cakey delight covered in chocolate. Stollen is also a rm favourite of mine. It is a fruitcake but with a lightness and zesty-ness that escapes our British counterpart. Every year in Dresden there is a Stollen festival where they bake a 30004000 kilogram Stollen. That would last me until roughly February. The decorations are also a step up from our efforts. Not for them the mass-produced, machine made gurines that you can nd in every pound shop across the country. Instead Weihnachtsmärkte pride themselves on representing the best of local artisans, who still make all their work by hand. This makes each market distinct, and whilst the ones in bigger cities might have become more commercialised, those in the smaller villages and towns still retain a regional air that is impossible to replicate. I went to Mainz and Wiesbaden, two towns just across the river from each other, and experienced two completely different markets. So if you haven’t yet experienced a proper Christmas then please, take my advice, and hop on the next plane to Germany. The Glühwein’s on me.

Monday 3rd December 2012

bathimpact

Science & Technology

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All I want for Christmas...

Lily Morris gives us her Christmas wish list of technology goodies

iPlunge iPhone stand The new iPhone has the right screen proportions for movies – nally – but it doesn’t yet stand up by itself. This little stand will help you get the screen to the perfect viewing angle for some Scott Pilgrim on the train.

Kodak photo frame A photo frame with a high resolution 7-inch screen (800×600 resolution). You can insert memory cards and USB drives to view your photos straight away or you can store 4,000 pictures directly on the builtin memory. Kodak has built in their “colour science technology” which should give “richer colours, sharper details and more natural skin tones”.

Apple iPad mini Mattel puppy tweets

Hi-Fun bluetooth gloves

Is your pet dog a social media champ? Your puppy can be, with this device sold by El Segundo-based Mattel, which uses an electronic tag with sensors to tweet your dog’s moves, barks, and more to Twitter. The device uses a USB receiver and wireless tag to make your dog the owner of their own, Twitter stream. We hope for your Twitter feed that your dog is a quiet one!

Touchscreen gloves are old hat compared to these. One glove has touchscreen material on the ngers while the other – and this is the cool bit – has a speaker in the thumb and a microphone in the little nger which connect to your phone via Bluetooth to let you actually talk to someone with your hand doing the phone-hand thing. How cool is that? Finally, an invention that will keep you warm and allow you to multitask.

Mu USB adaptor The UK 3-pin plug is useful, yes, but it’s not exactly small. This USB plug folds down to just 1.4cm thick, and completely contains the pins when folded. No more headphones-caughton-plugs disasters.

Innocable To go with it, use a at cable. This is a new design, resistant to tangling, which rolls up like a re hose and comes in brilliant colours. Steve Jobs would be v e r y proud.

Apple products have been irresistibly sexy for the last few years and the new iPad Mini is no exception. Filling a gap in the range, it looks to be the perfect technology solution for

everyone. Combine the tenand-a-half hour battery life with Evernote and a Bluetooth keyboard and you’ve got the best note-taking solution since lined paper.

Olloclip

Furby

Have an iPhone? Are you into photography? Olloclip has a clip-on lens for the iPhone which takes your photos to the next level, with a 3-in-one sheye, wide angle, and macro lens. The lens - which works with the iPhone 4 and iPhone 5 - is the ultimate accessory for the iPhone photo enthusiast.

Furbies are undeniably the cutest, funnest thing in technology this winter. Back on the market for the rst time since 2006, the new models have adaptable personalities and their own apps for iOS. Just don’t discuss secrets in front of them; they’ve been banned from the United States National Security Agency for a reason.

Monday 3rd December 2012

bathimpact

Science & Technology

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Professor Science: How Christmas? Our favourite scientist answers the festive questions we all think of T

his festive season, Professor Science has received many questions regarding Christmas. I will attempt to answer the most pressing. 1) How much heat does Santa generate? As we all know Santa travels at around 650 miles per second on Christmas eve and will eat over 20 billion calories of milk and cookies (not to mention the liquor that us sadistic Englanders leave out for him!) over the course of the day. As I have mentioned previously, you throw up after you eat around 1-1.5 litres of anything. Thus we can only assume that relativistic vomit follows his sleigh throughout the entire day. We also have to consider what happens to the air in front of him. When space craft enter the Earth’s atmosphere they make burning and re not because of friction but because they compress the air that they are pushing against to such an extent. Drag obviously has an effect but the compressed shockwave of super-heated gases would, at these near relativistic speeds, essentially wipe life off the surface of the planet. At this point heat is irrelevant I feel. However, the gure is just so disgustingly high I assume

nuclear fusion would start to occur. 2) How radioactive would Rudolph need to be to have a nose that actually lit something up? Cherenkov effect aside, radioactive things do not produce visible light. Some plutonium can be hot enough alone to glow red but this is due to the temperature not to the radiation. So let us cover Rudolph’s nose in some kind of ourescor – a compound that takes in one wavelength of light and gives out others (it’s an electron thing) - and somewhere close to it a lovely, cancer inducing, lump of beta radiating material (usually Strontium-90). For the sake of Rudolph’s health we’ll wrap it in lead so he is only slowly poisoned rather than mutated. A 100 watt light bulb gives off 2.767 x 10^20 photons per second. Now, usually, ourescors give out one visible photon per non-visible photon they take in. Therefore our radiative source needs to give off that many photons. Strontium-90 has a halflife of 28.8 years. This is 9 x 10^8 seconds on average for a photon to be produced. This means we need to times that by the number of photons we need to have the number of atoms we need. to produce the light of a 100 watt bulb from our

nose ourescor. We therefore need 1.2 cubic metres of Stontium to light our assumedly similarly sized Rudolph nose which lights Santa’s way. Not exactly easy. 3) How many elves would he need assuming the average work output of a child labourer? Santa needs to visit 91.8 million homes. Let us assume 3 chil-

dren per household and one gift per child. This is 275 million gifts. That’s 750,000 gifts a day, every day for a year. An average child labourer can produce an average of one toy per hour and work for 17.5 hours a day with the right incentives. This means Santa must keep 42,857 elves in his polar fortress. The largest single sale of slaves in

US history was 436. Not since 16th century Russia has there been slavery on this scale. Something ought to be done! This tyrannical, near invincible, cruel to animals despot needs to be dethroned! Don’t let Santa gain any more power this Christmas and pass on the message: Santa exists and he is evil incarnate.

Prof. Science, his team and a few friends from the puzzle page wish you all a Merry Christmas!

Holly Narey Environmental Correspondent hristmas/Chrismukkah/ Hanukkah/Winter solstice/ whatever you celebrate to get you through the winter months is a time for giving, not for feeling guilty, and it’s hard to write these articles without sounding preachy and judgmental. None of us are perfect. I’m sure most of the most eco-minded people still gorge themselves at Christmas and anticipates opening the trinkets and gadgets that lie beneath the tree. We can’t separate Christmas and consumerism, and why should we? We live in a society where to reject it would end with us feeling rejected by the Christmas institution. I love the food, and the drink, and the gifts, and the extravagant lights, so instead of telling you about how we’re destroying the planet with our blindness, instead I’ll give you some tips on how to make a few positive steps towards a greener Christmas, you can pick and choose which pieces of advice to follow, or ignore them altogether, either way I wish you a merry Christmas! Firstly, the presents. Some people consider nding ethical presents a long and costly process, but it’s really not anymore. ethicalsuperstore.

Matt&Nayoung

Have a happy, ecological Christmas

Christmas is a time for fun, but don’t forget these guys! com has a great range of products handmade things to choose from, at various price ranges, as do many you can make your way through your similar websites just a google away. whole list of people to buy for with a You can always get some handmade bit of patience. Or you could do somecrafty thing off websites like etsy, or thing ethical and buy someone you stick to smaller companies that pro- love a goat from Oxfam. Next, the food and drink. I’m a bit of duce things themselves. There’s also the much closer to home and much an organic sceptic, but when it comes more obvious option of heading down to organic booze, the evidence is clear; to the Christmas market in town. Un- it may be better for the environment, der the Christmas lights, surrounded and studies have shown it’s much betby the smells of amazing burgers and ter for your headaches. Organic wine roasting nuts and with a cup of mulled has been found to have on average wine in your hands… it’s pretty special around 32 per cent higher levels of there, and there are loads of quirky, resveratrol, an anti-fungal agent and

potent antioxidant, than non-organic wine. Its production is also thought to have a carbon footprint of around half that of conventional wines due to its use of fewer chemicals. Bottles of organic wine can be bought for as little as £5.99 on Ocado. Buying local can also reduce the miles your booze has travelled; the makers of local Bath Gem also make Wild Hare, an organic pale ale, which you can buy from Ocado for £2.09 a bottle, it’s also currently on offer for 3 for £5. We live close to Somerset, so cider is pretty much selfexplanatory, go local, and have a lovely time until the morning. When it comes to food, it’s the same old message, go as local as possible to reduce the miles your food has travelled and therefore its carbon footprint. Bath has a farmer’s market in Green Park Station every Saturday that has a huge range of local produce, including a lot of things that would make a good gift for a relative you don’t know what to buy for. Who wouldn’t like some fancy chutney in a nice jar? I don’t want to know that person. There’s also Stokes grocers in Old eld, and wherever you’re heading for Christmas you’re almost certain to have a local farmer’s market. Wait for towards the end of the day and you

won’t believe the bargains you’ll get. If you want to go the whole hog then you could even go to the lengths of having eco-friendly decorations. At christmastreeman.co.uk you can rent live Christmas trees for the holiday season; they’re dropped off and picked up from your house, it’s good for the planet and you don’t need to worry about dropped needles so much. If that’s a little too far, just recycle your Christmas tree, most councils have a pick-up system for this. At the end of the day, Christmas

“

Turn off the fairy lights before you go to bed!”

is about the people you spend it with (vom), it’s about eating yourself to near unconsciousness, drinking yourself to near oblivion… I mean in moderation, and just basically having a lovely time. So go have a lovely time, and if you can do something good along the way, that’s great. Turn off the fairy lights before you go to bed. That’ll do for now.

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Sport

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Wednesday Sport with Tia Skinner T

best efforts no goal was scored. The home side held on for as long as possible but a ball passed to the feet of an unmarked UWE player in the box was smashed into the top corner. It was 1-0 and the game was on, going into the second half. With Bath trailing, the team were red up after their team talk, which immediately saw the ball swung into UWE’s box over the h e a d s of their

defenders which required their keeper to bring his body round to catch the ball. However the momentum didn’t last for very long as a pass across our box found a UWE player who slotted it con dently in the back of the net. With the goal difference more de nite the home sides’ heads went down, which allowed UWE to ap-

Bath kept going and fought back to score two goals in the remaining part of the second half. One from the penalty spot saw the ball struck right down the middle of the goal and the other from a skilled break away to see the ball being rmly sent across the goal past the reach of the keeper’s hands into the right corner. But it wasn’t enough to bring them back into the game as UWE’s nal goal sealed the win, bringing the nal result to a con dent 5-2 victory for the away side. Now out of the cup our Men’s 2nd team can focus on their league campaign and take their positive plays and determination forward. Coach Michael Wright was pleased with his team’s performance in the rst half of the game; he said “no team was particularly on top so it was really just a case of minimizing mistakes! Unfortunately the second half just wasn’t good enough and after a couple of goals early on we lost a lot of shape and discipline which allowed them to cut through us easily. We had a few chances late on but that was more to do with UWE easing up a little. It’s a shame as we had beaten Bournemouth in the previous round and it seems a case of 2 steps forward and 1 step back. But we will keep going and hopefully get a good performance next week!” University of Bath Rowing Club

his Wednesday I reported on my rst knockout match of the season so far, in which the Men’s Football 2nd team faced UWE Men’s 2nd team on the St John’s pitches. With the previous round of the competition seeing the team progress further than last year the boys were hoping to make it two wins in a row as they faced their league rivals for the second time this year. Both Bath and UWE are the only two second teams in their division, so it was set to be an evenly matched xture from start to nish. The rst half of the match was very promising for our boys in blue and gold, applying good pressure on the ball and closing down the opportunities for UWE to break forward. A corner kick in the early stages was delivered low into the mouth of our goal, which could have proved detrimental to how the game progressed, but with great reaction from the defence it was cleared over the bar. The home side held strong and battled through producing plays that countered their opponent’s advances. With an interception made from Bath in their defensive half, the ball was taken forward towards the goal as our striker cut in and made the shot, but despite their

The University of Bath Rowing Club in their boat (nearside) compete in a rowing event Rosie Steel impactsport Reporter The rst major event for the Rowing Club was on the weekend of the 24th November. It was a fantastic opportunity to get the entire club down to our stretch to watch and participate in some fantastic races. Also it was another opportunity for the Alumni Squad to maintain their title against the Senior University Squad. Division 1 was the long course where senior crews were entered. The course is dif cult because of

“Danger Bridge”. Many crews did not cope well and a number of crashes occurred and some boats were seriously damaged, none of Bath’s boats you will be pleased to hear. With the atmosphere building between the current seniors and alumni, the novices lined the bridge and the bank to watch the race. Meles placed 7th with a time of 0:11:26.50 and with a small incident Bath came 9th with a time of 0:12:01.89. The Alumni have managed to hold on

to their title against the University squad for another year. Division 2 was the shorter course and the novices had their rst real experience of racing. The day was great with the atmosphere continuing through the night, the club had a massive celebration. It was fantastic to see everyone together and an opportunity to share stories and experiences in the boat club –get down to visit the club again soon!

Tia Skinner

The SA Sports Reporter gives an outline of the action from Wednesday more pressure and control the University of Bath Tennis Women’s 2nd 10 University of Bath Football Men’s 2nd 2 ply game. Two more goals were scored them within ten minutes of Exeter Uni Basketball Men’s 2nd 2 Uni of West England Football Men’s 2nd 5 from each other. Although disheartening

The Women’s 1st team recorded a great victory against Exeter In Walker and Starling’s match ast week’s rainy forecast prevented many of our Exeter started the game with an outdoor sport teams from ace that powered straight to the playing their fixtures on Wednes- back of the court before it could day but for tennis the floods did be returned. They had set the not halt them in their biggest tempo and were as determined for match of the season against rivals the victory as the home side. The best of three sets would Exeter. Both the men’s first team and take the match so every game and women’s first team faced Team the points within them mattered. Bath’s biggest opponent but re- Bath used a combination of some cording a win was never more vi- fantastic aces and excellent tennis tal for the women. For the squad to exploit weaknesses in the Exof four, made up of Alex Walker eter half of the court, allowing the (captain), Natasha Starling, Bar- girls to narrowly take the first set bara Pietrkiewicz and Katie Jes- by 7 games to Exeter’s 5. After picking up their rhythm sop, this was the second time they had encountered Exeter in the the home duo took control of the season so far - previously play- game dominating in their close to ing them on away courts. That the net volleys and intelligently game had ended with an intensely placing the ball over their opfought draw which meant that ponents to the back of the court. both Exeter and Bath were going Although the Exeter pair tried to into last week’s match fighting match the power and agility of for the top spot, as both were on Walker and Starling, the second the same amount of points. Bath set came to an end with Bath winhad the edge, but only through ning 6 games to Exeter’s 2. From here the afternoon only goal difference so it really was all or nothing as whichever side took got better as Pietrkiewicz and the victory would be well on their Jessop also won their match 6-4, way to confirming the top posi- 6-3. Straight after the singles matches also went underway, in tion in the Premier League! The format of the day consist- which Bath won three out of the ed of two doubles matches and 4 four contests and took an overall singles matches, with each team victory of which they can be very member playing a double and a proud! I caught up with Katie Jessop single each. The showdown started with the two doubles matches, at the end of a fantastic day of seeing the combinations of Walk- tennis to get her thoughts on such er with Starling and Pietrkiewicz a significant victory for her team! with Jessop go out onto the courts “This was an amazing win for the of the STV. It was the doubles team as the previous encounmatches in the previous fixture ter saw us draw!” she explained. that saw Bath trail so taking the “Great team spirit and outstandfirst win was so vital and impor- ing tennis pulled us through so we tant if Bath were going to get the could smash Exeter and place us at the top of the Premier League!” points this time.

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Sport

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Have a ball with Latin and Ballroom Ben Cochrane impactsport Reporter ou may have been watching the BBC programme Strictly Come Dancing and thought, “yeah I could do that” or

catface3

“that looks fun” or “that’s not the manliest of things to do”. If you are in the last group then I hope this superbly written article will prove you wrong. I was in the first group of peo-

Dancing the foxtrot at a dance competion in Virginia

ple. I thought my killer moves witnessed by the masses in Fuzzy Ducks would be transposable to the more formal environment of the ballroom scene. Alas this was not true and my dancing was well and truly trumped by the picturesque and poetic motion of the members of the Latin and Ballroom club. The Latin and Ballroom club here at Bath is thriving with over 100 members who turn out each week to firmly press themselves against each other whilst twirling about gracefully with the accuracy of Robin Hood at three feet. Now you may ask why the Latin and Ballroom club is being written about in the sports section. The answer is because they are a sports club. You may be pedantic and frankly a real annoying bastard and then ask why are they a sports club when all the other dance clubs are societies. The answer is because they

compete. And they compete very well; recently in the Nationals, held at the dancing Mecca that is Blackpool, they placed an impressive 5th overall and in the individual competition have placed as high as 2nd. They also host the biggest friendly of the year with precisely 406 competitors. As 407 of course would just be an extravagance. They also do the a lot outside of the university for the community. They teach Brownies how to Jive, which I’ve been informed is no mean feat. Oh, and on the subject of cakes they’re having a cake sale on the 6th of December and if you are indeed a fan of Strictly they are holding their own version, for charity, in March next year. They are also the only sports club to be able to use historic buildings in Bath, as they are the best-behaved club on campus, apparently. So why should you join? Well if you are a boy you get to press

your chest firmly some extremely attractive girls. Plus knowing how to dance is a real positive when trying to ‘woo’ a lady and I don’t mean nightclub dancing; that’s similar to being electrocuted whilst being sprayed with a hose. Plus the only reason why girls are attracted to boys in a nightclub is because they are intoxicated. If you’re a girl then it’s a chance to wear some sparkly dresses that cost in excess of £3000. If you like your ‘bling bling’ and whatnot then this is the club for you. We all like to dance, it makes you smile, if you smile you are most likely happy and we all want to be happy. Go along to the Latin and Ballroom club and they guarantee to teach you how to Waltz in ten minutes. You will be a babe magnet in no time or blinged up faster than a rapper in a CashMyGold warehouse. And watch Strictly Come Dancing - it’s beautiful.

Snow is cool Frisbee is going well

out of four rounds Bath’s rst ski team currently stands in third place behind Bristol and Exeter, with our second team not far behind in eighth.

Caroline Leach impactsport Reporter The tide has turned for the University of Bath Ultimate Frisbee club who are enjoying their most successful season to date, qualifying for three national tournaments in the Open, Mixed and Women’s categories. The Open indoor tournament in Cardiff was the rst competitive tournament of the year. Captained by Alex Brooks the team won their pool and went into the second day in high spirits. They lost the 2-3 game to local rivals Bristol, narrowly beat Plymouth in the 3-4 to hold the 3rd position, then managed to triumph against home team Cardiff to take that coveted division 1 place. The Women’s team were next up, travelling to Southampton for their one day regionals in early November. The rst team surprised the competition by coming out with a strong zone defense, con dently winning their pool games against Cardiff, Plymouth and Swansea by a large margin. After a slightly awkward but good spirited crossover game against Bath’s second team they moved onto the group stages. This involved a second decisive victory over Cardiff before going on to the nal against home side Southampton, where Bath were expecting a tougher game. This was not to be as Bath again used their zone defense to great effect and won 7-2, becoming tournament champions and of course winning that prized

place at nationals. The Mixed team made things slightly more dif cult for themselves at their tournament in Plymouth. After winning their pool they seemed to be heading for a spot in the nal, unfortunately they lost focus and they conceded their next 2 games by 1 point apiece. Their nal game for 3rd place and the nal nationals’ spot was against Exeter, who had beaten them earlier in the day. It was a tense match that went to sudden death, but thanks to an amazing catch in the endzone by Victoria Rowland, Bath managed to clinch victory and that nal place at nationals.

The only Ultimate team to have completed their national tournament at the time of writing was the Open team. In a weekend beset with injuries, in which their nal game was played with only 1 substitute (after starting the tournament with 5) they managed to win the plate, nishing 9th. For the rst time Bath Ultimate Frisbee have quali ed for 3 national tournaments in 1 year, and the outdoor season is yet to begin. Check out www.bathstudent. com/sport/clubs/ultimatefrisbee/ for more information on one of Bath’s most successful and rapidly growing clubs. Caroline Leach

Everyone loves an underdog, and after a one round miracle Bath’s fourth team is currently midtable. Standing in twelfth place, our fourth team are six places ahead of the thirds, after the disquali cation of three of their ve competitors in what was the most astonishing series of races Kings had ever seen. Proving Bath really are the lords of the West Country our snowboarders once again dominate the competition and currently top the table at joint rst with Cardiff, who we’ll be looking to knock down the board a few places at Kings Round 3 on the 1st December. But it’s not all about team skiing and boarding, Bath’s racers gave brilliant individual performances at BUDS in Edinburgh last month. Rob ‘Village’ Wagner coming in at eighth out of over a hundred of the best boarders in the country in the boarder cross, despite some questionable adjudication. After all our recent successes and selling out Bath’s biggest ski trip to date, this year is looking extremely promising for Bath Snowsports! Bath Snowsports

Rachel Fletcher impactsport Reporter Best known for our sell out ski trips and occasional Score antics, Bath Snowsports are often mistaken for a bit of a doss as far as university sports teams go. With the unconventional trip hoodies and all the inter-semester break trip stories, you may assume that the university’s biggest sports club didn’t take itself quite as seriously as other teams, you would however, be very wrong. After dominating both BUiSC nals and Kings Ski Club nals last year, the Bath’s skiers and boarders started this season with something to prove. And with a consistently high number of dedicated members attending our Wednesday afternoon Gloucester sessions, Bath Snowsports has managed to produce a record number of four brilliant mixed ski teams, a ladies team and a board team. All of which have performed fantastically in the past few months at the Kings Western League competitions. Having competed at two

The season is going well so far for the Ultimate Frisbee club

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Sport

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Formula One comes to a close T he last two races of the Formula One calendar have provided a spectacular nale to the season. Firstly, as for the racing, we saw the return of the American Grand Prix, which was fantastic due to the cleverly designed ‘best-off’ circuit. There was drama even before the race, with an enforced gear box change for Massa, consequently promoting Alonso one place and crucially meaning he started on the ‘clean’ side of the grid. A move that worked wonders as Alonso nished the race in 3rd. This move caused widespread disgust in the F1 paddock but was completely legitimate so, as cheeky as it was, the brainchild behind this idea has to be congratulated. Next up was the grand nale; Interlagos in recent years has been the setting for some monumental championship battles. A race heavily disrupted by rain saw Vettel nsish 6th with Alonso nishing 2nd a long way behind a rather dominant Jenson Button, thus making Vettel the youngest ever triple world

champion, a tting climax to a fantastic season. Retrospectively there will have to be some head scratching done at McLaren. Reliability problems have cost Lewis Hamilton two clear wins in Singapore and Abu-Dhabi with other large point losses caused by collisions with Romain Grosjean, Nico Hulkenburg and Pastor Maldonado. McLaren managed to nish 3rd in the Constructor’s Championship, behind the clearly competitive Red Bull and a more worringly for them a fairly undriveable, but reliable Ferrari. There have been reliability issues at Red Bull, most notably in Valencia but nothing compared to McLaren’s problems. McLaren’s reliability issues, along with the pay cut he would have to take in order to stay, have clearly driven Hamilton away to a clearly far less competitive team. Where does this leave Ferrari, and particularly Alonso? Twice he has lost a championship on the last day to Sebastian Vettel. He has committed himself for the long haul to Ferrari; the team must clearly feel the pressure to build a competitive

car for the widely considered best driver on the grid, to achieve what he has the talent to do. Finally a word on the only other German world champion. Michael Schumacher has retired from the sport after a fantastic rst career, but a comeback that was less than successful compared to his talent. Clearly proud of what Vettel has achieved in the latter laps he waved his young compatriot past, and was

the rst person to congratulate him with a reasonably long exchange of words when Vettel left his car. The torch it seems has been passed from one German great to another potentially better one. With the resurgence of Massa, scores to settle at McLaren and Red Bull looking strong as ever, the 2013 season has the potential to match if not better this fantastic season so tune-in in March. makeroadssafe

Simon Rushton impactsport Reporter

Sebastian Vettel wins his World Championship title in 2010

Referees; give them a break T

BlueAndWhiteArmy

he lonely bald man who’s running days are long gone. The bloke with the beer belly protruding from under the tightest top possible that is roughly tucked into the highest shorts you could imagine. The chap with the same football boots that he’s had since the eighties and the fellow that is too out of breath to even blow the whistle when required. The referee. The referee has it tough but to make matters worse, mankind has unanimously decided to take arms against this humble collective. According to popular belief, the referee is singlehandedly the most common cause for a team to lose. No matter how badly the team played or how stroppy the manager got or even how many points

they scored, the main reason for loss is the referee. It is true; the referee can have a huge impact on the game. Take the 2007 Rugby World Cup Final for example; Mark Cueto’s late try in the corner was not given. This later turned out to be the correct decision after months of analysis, but at the time the decision could have gone either way. This was indeed an important moment in the game and who knows, if the try had been given England might have actually been a happy country for a few hours. However, England could not blame and did not blame their loss on that decision. Their lack of points was due to their poor performance in the rst half that gave South Africa a big enough buffer to secure nal victory in the end.

Those men and women that take all the stick on our pitches

“We lost the game because of the referee.” No you moron, you lost the game because you didn’t score enough points. I’ll admit, there are perhaps some cases in which the referee may have not let the game ow or who was penalising to heavily, but in the end you have to respond to these conditions and then nd ways to overcome them. React and adapt. A good workman never blames his tools. Ergo a good player never blames the referee. These are all signs of a good player and a good team. I made the last one up but it sounds good doesn’t it? I’m hoping it will catch on. Referees at lower levels may not be as pro cient or knowledgeable as we’d perhaps like, but the chances are if you have a bad referee it’s because you are bad yourself. The FA is not going to assign a top referee to take charge of your 5th team match against Southampton Solent, no matter how important you think it is. The Premiership referees are there for a reason; they are the best at what they do. They know the rules much better than the players, coaches, and in nitely more than the fans, as that’s their job. Sure they won’t know how to kick or catch a ball but they will know what is a

ruck is and what is not. They are there to see that the game runs as smoothly and safely as possible. They may not see everything, but you have a go at refereeing, Mr/Mrs Joe/Jo Bloggs. It is much harder than you think. Take football for example: the referee has to watch 22 players, two assistants and a ball simultaneously whilst trying to remember a 300 page rule book and at the same time blocking out abuse from players, coaches and thousands of angry men who think they know everything because they’ve been watching every single match on TV for the past 20 years. It’s an old cliché but I would love to see the referee one day just hand the whistle to a supporter and go: “You can do this better can you? Well, here you go.” Then just watch and enjoy from the side-lines as some angry, depressed middle-aged man tries to take control over the match with about the same success as a fat man trying to y by jumping off a really high building and apping his arms. Lay off the referees. They are trying their best and not trying to sabotage the hopes and dreams of you and your mates contrary to what you may think. Remember that sport is only made possible with the addition of a referee. Damjan BNZ

Ben Cochrane impactsport Reporter

Powell’s Peeves Grumpy sportsmen Last week I went to watch a game of hockey. It was obviously a great game of student sport played by the TeamBath Buccaneers D team – the student Saturday team. Who are all fantastic. But it did give me a peeve for this week. Grumpy sportsmen. One of the best aspects of a team sport is the social side of sharing all those sporting endorphins with others and having even more fun than is possible alone (and while being socially appropriate). The enemy at the time were a team of middle aged men who thought a lot of themselves. Essentially a team of angry Jeremy Clarksons. So my problem is with the attitude of people with bad attitude. I’ve heard the idea of it “leave it on the pitch” many times before. The idea that if you are a dick on the pitch you are forgiven as long as you’re normal either side of the match and everything can be forgiven with a handshake at the end. This idea was thrown around by Sep Blatter when FIFA was accused of not actually doing anything constructive to combat racism in football – that the handshake at the end forgave the bad behaviour on the pitch. I know that these seem slightly different in magnitude but this is not grounds for defence. I am also not saying you have no right to be angry or opinionated during a sports match but I am saying that you have no right to be taking it out on the opposition. If you are going to berate yourself for a bad pass then that is fine but if you are going to be aggressive to the man marking you, then you should re-evaluate your own life and whether or not you should, in fact, be allowed contact with other people. Ever. Surely you have to ask yourself, if you are one of these grumpy, angry people, why are you playing a team sport? Are you even getting any enjoyment out of this? And if you are I don’t care. You’re reducing everyone else’s enjoyment of their involvement in sport. One word for you, LEAVE.

Dylan Baker

Monday 3rd December 2012

Referees; give them a break Page 23

DamjanBNZ

impactsport

Inside impactsport Dancing is really good Ben Cochrane reveals all on the University of Bath Latin and Balroom Club. We find out how their club ranges from teaching Brownies to jive through to competing at national competitions. Page 22 has the full story

Ultimate Frisbee fun Caroline Leach divulges all on the success of the Ultimate Frisbee Club so far this season. The teams have had their best start to a campaign ever. Page 22 for more

Wednesday sport with Tia Skinner

The panel at the D:Bate event held in Bath to discuss the arguments for and against allowing children to become sportspeople

Should we let kids be elite athletes? Dylan Baker impactsport Reporter t has been a brilliant summer for British sport. Twenty-nine gold, seventeen silver and nineteen bronze medals were beyond most people’s expectations and have left British sport on an incredible high. What are often not considered, however, are the physical and emotional costs of attempting to be one of those considered to be elite, let alone winning a medal. D:Bate (Debates in Bath, the colon was never fully explained) held a very interesting discussion with some experts within the sporting world, putting forward the question: Would you want your child to be an elite sportsperson? Yes or No?. I use the word discussion and not debate. With a panel of six, including athletes, journalists and psychologists it was difficult to have much of a back and forth

with so much time being dedicated to opening statements from each panellist. Nevertheless, many interesting points were brought up. David Flattman, ex Bath Rugby and England Rugby prop, was unequivocally in favour of his child being an elite athlete, but only if the child wanted to be, a sentiment shared by all those who were on his side of the panel. He stressed that he had not a single regret about devoting so much time to a rugby career. The University of Bath was also represented at the debate in the form of Stephen Baddeley, Commonwealth Games Gold medallist and Director of Sport at the University of Bath. Despite having had an extensive and successful career in badminton, he argued that the stress that is put on elite athletes both mentally and physically at such a young age cannot be healthy. He was one of the few that backed up

his argument with some research, quoting a study into under-16 badminton teams that found stress fractures in 70 per cent of participants. Kate Allenby, Olympic modern pentathlon bronze medallist at Sydney 2000, said “When I worked at LOCOG this summer, there were an awful lot of people with RSI (repetitive strain injury).” She put forward the point of view that both injury and failure happen in all avenues of life and not exclusively in sport. Journalists were represented by Richard Gillis at the debate, an award-wining sports and business journalist (The Wall Street Journal, Irish Times). He emphasised that the opportunity cost, the loss of potential gain from other alternatives when one alternative is chosen, was too great to devote all of someone’s youth towards an elite sport career. The final third of the ‘Yes’ team

was Matt Perry, the ex Bath and England’s most capped full back (not the actor who played Chandler Bing in the hit TV show Friends). He believed “sport teaches you that you have to earn the right to anything you gain in life” and that “setbacks are good.” With the ‘No’ team’s cynicism matched equally by the ‘Yes’ team’s argument of “Well, I turned out alright”, it was a lively debate on the development of the athletes who will hopefully bring us our next medal haul. It seems as though we can conclude that due to the lack of bac and forth, a consensus wasn’t reached. However, some relevant arguments were raised as to the dangers of children becoming elite athletes. I can wholeheartedly recommend the D:Bate events, with the next one being held in January at the American Museum on a topic of ‘American relevance’.

SA Sports Reporter Tia Skinner tells impactsport of the top sporting action that took place on Wednesday 28th November at the University of Bath. Turn to page 21 to see how our teams got on

Formula One season ends impactsport Reporter Simon Rushton writes about the conclusion to one of the best seasons in Formula One history, which saw Sebastian Vettel win his third title. Check out page 23

Get involved If you are interested in sport and want to contribute, then contact the impactsport Editor Matthew Powell (impact-sport@bath.ac.uk) to nd out more details about how you can get involved. We’re always on the lookout for for writers, photographers, or just all round sports buffs in general to help out. So, if you have a story you want to share, don’t be afraid to get in touch!

mikelehen

Monday 3rd December 2012

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bite Editorial: Words I

decided to take a break from my usual randomness this week in an attempt to be more serious. This seriousness will take the form of a discussion of the English language, a brief analysis of some of the nest works of literature throughout history, and a quick foray into social ‘constructivism’. I’m going to talk about the word cunt. Speci cally, this will be in relation to its part in the phrase “cunt punt” (used in one of last issue’s horoscopes in a similar sense to “give ‘em hell”). It has been suggested that a publication should not be taken seriously by using such a phrase, which is certainly valid. However, I’m also going to attempt to coherently express my opinion that it is no more offensive than the words “fuck”, “cock”, or “toaster” - as I nd the entire concept of profanity interesting. First, let’s consider the opinion that bite will never be taken seriously for using phrases like “cunt punt”. I agree. However, I’d like to point out that we also had a picture of Obama riding a dragon that’s breathing re on Romney, who‘s dressed like a pimp. bite is the trivial part of the paper, and the horoscopes are the most trivial part within it. Don’t get me wrong; we have writers who are knowledgeable and eloquent in discussing lms, games, music and many other aspects of popular culture, but we also serve as a vehicle for the ridiculous. “Real” horoscopes are ridiculous, so bite’s horoscopes are an exaggerated level of ridiculous in order to mock them. I would argue that “real” horoscopes are more morally reprehensible, as they create false hope or anxiety in people, and perhaps even in uence them to make bad decisions. Our horoscopes hopefully make people chuckle and nothing more. So in answer to the initial query; I’m not worried about being taken seriously. At times I discourage it.

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Hopefully that answers any initial worries. Let’s get nice and deep into some cunt discussion. Why do people nd it so offensive? Most answers seem to be “because it is”, or “it’s a horrible word”. To me, the former is almost an extension of a ve year old saying, “because Daddy said so”. It’s perfectly ne to dislike something, but to be offended without a coherent reason, at least in my opinion, is not real offense and that’s not how freedom of expression works. The second suggestion is more a valid as people claim it sounds horrible to the ear. Certain words are de nitely more euphonious than others, for example many people don’t like the word “moist”. This is a fair suggestion and it is normal to not like saying certain words. However, not using “cunt” for this reason means that by extension we must then remove all the other cacophonous words, and sadly there just aren’t enough pretty words to solely use euphony. If phonaesthetic reasons are hard to justify I assume the “horribleness” refers to its meaning, which I’m reliably informed is vagina. I nd it interesting that “cunt” is off limits whereas “cock” and “dick” are used freely. Perhaps this is an example of some underlying misogyny in society. Male genitalia, that’s a prim and proper thing. You can trust someone who references male genitalia in a casual manner, but eurgh female genitalia. This is again an exaggeration for humour, but it does lead us onto the fact that using body parts as profanity (e.g. “dick: you’re a man”, cunt: “you’re a woman”) could be construed as offensive and rightly so when they are used in that context. However, I believe that no one thinks literally when they swear. When you swear, you quickly scan your mind for the nearest profanity to hand and arguing the opposite is counterproductive (for a far funnier example, watch South Park - “The

F Word”). Far more offensive terms are “slut” or “slag”, vilifying someone for exercising their right to say yes - and these are still used in standard conversation. A less obvious example is “friendzone”, vilifying someone, usually women, for exercising their right to say no. When people use “friendzone” literally as “I was nice and they didn’t have sex with me”, it implies you assume people are merely objects that you put kindness into and get grati cation in return. Personally, I nd that concept far more inherently offensive than a word that in reality means “someone who’s not very nice”. As such, I nd more intended meaning, and by extension intended offense, when people avoid profanity. For example, it’s common for Justin Bieber to be called a girl. That’s far more derogatory than calling him a “shitty fuck cunter” because you’re associating him with the idea that women are less than men. When you accept that the word cunt can become another word you use to describe John Terry (and we need a lot of words to describe John Terry) and there is nothing particularly grotesque about it compared to any other profanity. The phrase “gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry” is grotesque. The phrase “women shouldn’t be allowed to be bishops” is grotesque (top work by the way Church of England, enjoy the 19th Century). The phrase “you’re a cunting shitty fucking cock dick” is grotesque only in the sense that it’s written in the same language used by Shakespeare. Speaking of Shakespeare; he had no quarrel with discussing country matters - for example in Twelfth Night and of course (if you got my poor pun) Hamlet. Chaucer was also perfectly happy throwing it into The Canterbury Tales and to quote Stephen Fry, “the sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education or of a lack of verbal interest is just a fucking lunatic”. To conclude I shall quote another brilliant scholar, A.J. Dumbledore. “Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself”, which again, perhaps indicates another underlying feeling in society.

The apocalypse is coming!

Blog of the week:

We could have done a Christmas theme this week, but (include hipster quote about being mainstream here). As such, we’ve gone with our impending doom as a theme and shall do our best to prepare you for the post apocalyptic world to come. Page 3 - A look into what we’ll miss - Nathan Hill Page 7 - Reasons why the apocalypse is a good thing Page 8 and 9 - Our apocalypse Survival Guide - Ben Cochrane and Lily Morris

http://kimjongilookingatthings.tumblr.com/ I’m not sure why it’s funny, but it de nitely is. It’s very funny. Imagine a factory that has a lot of vodka in it (and I mean a lot of vodka). Now, imagine Kim Jong Il looking at the vodka. That might not seem that funny right now, but trust us; it really is.

If you do one thing this week...

Things to...

Tell your loved ones you love them. After all; this may be our last month on earth. Just kidding, do awesome stuff. Like, go and see Rancid on December the 12th at the O2 academy Bristol and mosh the fuck out. Also visit www.facebook.com/bathleaplist to view activities that students should do in Bath and its surroundings before they graduate. Contribute an idea to their wall and be entered into a competition to win six tickets to Adventure golf at Victoria Park.

Watch: Archer. It has some of the best voice actors on TV and the dialogue is wonderful. Plus I told my friend James about it and he thought it was awesome. Peer reviewed right there. Read: Cloud Atlas. Make sure that you read it before the lm comes out. Listen: Fake Problems. Wonderful little guitar lines and some absolutely wonderful lyrics. Kind of like if Frank Turner and The Gaslight Anthem had an indie baby. Review of A.Skillz recent Moles gig on page 11

Best quotes from our heads

bite gets Christmassy

“Snakes. They’re like bits of rope, only angrier.” - Charlie Brooker

We’ve got a little Christmas cheer going on in the bathimpact of ce, and we need something to fall back on just in case we don’t all die a horrible aming zombie death. Helen Edworthy discusses how Christmas is all about controlling expectations and taking the good with the bad on page 5, and Sophia Guilfoyle talks us through the best Christmas fashion on page 13. Also check online for our preview of this year’s Christmas TV by Charlotte Lightowler.

“If something is hard to do then it’s not worth doing” Homer Simpson “I thought #demo2012 went really well” - Nobody

New Release:

25th December. New Tarantino! NEW TARANTINO!

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Humanity: An examination photogon

written by Nathan Hill and Thomas Gane

Before we all die in some horri c explosion we thought we’d sum up the best bits of humanity and give you guys the parts to check out before everything ends. Enjoy

always think that writing articles is like trying to t a giant sandwich into a lunchbox. You can either squash it all in, giving a eeting sense of achievement but utterly destroying the sandwich, or you can cut it up and enjoy the bits that t in without too much coercion, leaving you satis ed and with a potential future sandwich too. I do hope that it’s impossible to squash thousands of years of human achievement into one short article (how depressing would that be?), but if I tried I’m sure we’d have peanut butter exploding all over the readers’ faces. And if anyone’s allergic to nuts, we suddenly have a murder conviction on our hands. All because I couldn’t be bothered to cut the sandwich up. OK, having wasted two hours on paperwork in the foyer of the chocolate factory, let’s press on and see the good stuff, Charlie. It seems appropriate to start at the beginning of mankind, and I’ll use the blanket term ‘cavemen’ because use of the scienti c names would belie my real lack of knowledge and also lull you into some sort of pedantry-induced coma. Let’s be honest, in a museum you usually walk past all the stick men painted on rocks in favour of the pickled beavers and laminated squirrels, which is exactly what I am about to do (*disclaimer, there are no laminated squirrels in this article, they’re really hard to catch). On with the cured ocelot of ancient Greece. It would take an annoying amount of time to enumerate all of its achievements – many of which are still being developed today – such as the foundation of mathematics, philosophy, democracy, the alphabet, drama, logic, debate, Euclidean geometry, mythology and manifold others (they did that over 2000 years ago, what did you do this morning? Exactly, so put down the grilled cheese sandwich, get dressed and go outside). The ancient Greeks certainly have a case for claiming the most important contributions to human history of any civilisation, although maybe Bowie could give them a run for their money. I mean he can’t remember any of 1976 so there’s every chance he invented Time Travel and it’s locked in a random little at in Berlin. It’s a stupidly large jump to make now, from the ancient Greeks to the Middle Ages, but sadly my contract offered only a cursory glance at humanity’s achievements. Plus the dark ages was kind of like the hangover from the Greeks and Romans. Instead of taking history forward in little sips they lined it all up in rows of shots and knocked them back in one go (“What have the Romans ever

done for us?” basically sums this up), meaning the next few hundred were a write off. Still, I think literature is an achievement of which humans can be extremely proud and we made great strides forward here. This does kind of make sense, I mean when you’ve got a crippling hangover what else are you going to do except lie in bed and read? The Middle Ages were also known for big men in metal dresses stabbing each other, but then again hangovers annoy me too. One of the towering achievements in literature is Dante’s Inferno that depicts a journey through the underworld, guided by the Roman poet Virgil. You don’t get plots that ambitious very often, Michael Bay take note. Then there’s music, and I’m a big fan of the Romantic era so Chopin, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky and Brahms are getting a mention whether you despise them or not (Meatloaf’s kind of cool too). People tend to see this style of music as outdated, but its legacy is still very much with us. To name but one example, the dark, overwhelming sounds of Wagner (no, not that one) undoubtedly in uenced operatic heavy metal bands such as Iron Maiden. Wagner was very much about noise, and he even had a double bass instrument so large that it required two men to play. Perhaps he was compensating for something? Regardless, you could probably cause small earthquakes with that thing which is pretty epic. Now consider modern times. It’s largely a varied, interesting place to live, and people can mostly do what they want (the comedian Noel Fielding once quali ed this statement with ‘Well, that’s not true actually. If you dress up as a clock and start pushing people in a ditch, you’ll get in trouble for that’. We tried and we did, wise words). What is different about modern creativity, though, is that there is not the same quality control that older art has had to pass to still be around today. There have been hundreds of composers, artists, poets, writers and more besides who were rubbish and so were forgotten, even if they were popular in their time. In fact, this happened with Vivaldi after his death, and it’s only in the past 100 years or so that he’s become ‘popular’ again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying going to lament the death of our culture and cry “they don’t make art like they used to. It’s over. Western Civilisation is dead!” There was good art before and there is good art now in the same way that there was bad art before and there is bad art now. The lyrics of Conor Oberst and

Adam Duritz can stand tall with some of the greats of the past and we must be careful of holding previous artists on ridiculous pedestals. The mass media and advertising culture of the twenty rst century just means that certain artists get greater coverage than others and pro tability is pushed over artistic merit at times (although it’s important to note that the independent scene is currently going through a resurgence). Still, look at the care that has gone into creation of One Direction. How many hours were put into making them the perfect combination of innocent and, for want of a better word, tappable. The perfect hair, the right combination of clothes and the hours upon hours of telling them exactly how to act and what to say; it’s phenomenal. The marketing that stresses pro tability over art has become a form of art in itself. Perhaps in twenty years’ time we’ll look back and consider Simon Cowell some odd form of puppet master, worthy of praise and admiration for his perfect pop formula. Perhaps in thirty years’ time we’ll be grumbling about how they don’t make advertisers like this anymore, “back in my day they could make you listen to it even if it made you want to kill yourself. That’s real marketing right there”. Still, we must always be wary of the fact that we’re being implicitly told how you should behave, how you should dress, and what you should enjoy. One thing I hate is when someone says “Oh I just listen to what’s in the Top 40,” I want to shake them and scream “Don’t accept it! Have an opinion!” You may think I’m exaggerating but music is so important – it de nes your appearance, your friendships, your idols and even your personality. There’s so much amazing music out there from every genre and every era that it’s wasteful to just listen to the easiest accessible artists. Now before I conclude let me just clarify – I have no problem with pop. If you like pop, great, but like it because you enjoy listening to it, not just because it’s there. Music is so fundamental to our being, especially at our age, that the jump from musical passivity to a general passivity is not too great. On that uplifting note, it’s time to conclude. Whilst I admit I do sound pessimistic about the present, it’s generally a very creative period and we should be very worried whenever we begin to enjoy 100 per cent of the world’s artistic output. Having likes and dislikes is what makes the whole thing fun and if we loved everything, what on earth would we write articles about?

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Modern Notes: Censorship ladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, better known by his given name Vladimir Lenin, in 1919 made the oft-quoted statement, “you must remember that, of all the arts, for us the cinema is the most important”. The Soviets at the beginning of their new century and government wanted to stake a claim on the youngest and most fashionable artform around. Sergei Eisenstein became the gurehead of Soviet cinema, creating the enduring masterpiece ‘Battleship Potemkin’ in 1925. The lm, which is probably the most well known of the golden era of early twentieth century Soviet cinema, was rightly lauded and is often described as the greatest propaganda lm of all time. It faced controversy when it was distributed overseas, coming up against politically motivated censorship in Britain, France, the USA and, later, West Germany. This was revolutionary lmmaking, in uencing artists with its style and the wider public with its message. When Joseph Stalin came to power he began to tamper with that message. He cut an introductory message from his long-time opponent Leo Trotsky. Some of the scenes, particularly violent ones, were excised and, most importantly, the soundtrack changed. Again and again. The most widely seen version of the lm is a modern one, dating from the anniversary edition from 1975, only properly distributed in 2004, long after the fall of the USSR. Perhaps this version endures because the soundtrack features perhaps the most widely celebrated Russian composer: Dmitri Shostakovich. He was a shy man born in 1906 in St Petersburg. His star rose slowly compared to the other broadly contemporary luminaries like Igor Stravinsky and Sergei Proko ev - they burned through the popular scenes, gaining fame almost overnight and ying off to other countries. In the case of Stravinsky, he spent pretty much all of his life overseas, even becoming a naturalised American citizen, much to the chagrin of the Soviet authorities. Shostakovich never did get away. His was career of slight rises and stultifying falls, his genius beset at all times by the machinations of The Party. They sought to use his talents and the wider acceptance of composers - Lenin never made any grand claims about classical composition, after all - to further their political aims. Shostakovich himself was torn, disgusted by the invasions into his creativity but terri ed by the repercussions he was seeing to friends and colleagues who decided to speak out against the regime. The list of disgraced, impoverished or imprisoned artists Shostakovich overlaps with is terrifying, particularly for a man being pulled at on two sides. “Condemn the censors!” “Bring down the Capitalist pigs!” “Support your art!” “Protect you country!” The particular ‘Battleship Potemkin’ scene that sent the critics into raptures is known as The Odessa Steps. In it, Tsarist soldiers massacre the people of Odessa who have expressed sympathy for the murdered leader of a mutiny aboard the Potemkin. The massacre is lmed as a montage, with shots of panic, terror and violence interspersed with the freefall of a loose pram, knocked away from a mother during the chaos. The pram carries its cargo on a wild descent of the Odessa Steps, an enormous stone staircase that marks the formal entrance to the city. It bounces and sways, ashing past bloodied bayonets and ruthless soldiers, symbolising the precarious position of the proletariat in a capitalist regime. It is truly scintillating propaganda. The music set to that scene come from Shostakovich’s midperiod symphonies, most of which were conceived when he most feared for his life. He was seeking to politically rehabilitate himself after an opera that was deemed to be too radical. This isn’t revolutionary or bloodthirsty music. This is him settling, trying to survive. Re-watching this brutal sequence it’s hard not to be reminded of his life and career. He is often criticised for not attacking the regime around him, for not eeing, condemning or martyring himself for freedom, but I think of him differently. His music, co-opted by so many for so many different reasons, was what freed him. His own life and body didn’t matter. He simply careened downwards while mania and politicking broke out around him, whisked on by a simplicity of mission that makes him one of the most performed modern classical composer of them all. Fitting, no?

uair01

written by Rowan Emslie

Is beautiful music that is created for a horri c use still worthy of the praise that it artistically deserves?

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Kamil Pormbinski

T’is the season to be pragmatic I

written by Helen Edworthy

f you’re anything like me, Christmas is a time that lls you with equal parts dread and happiness. Not to sound too much like the Grinch, but Christmas isn’t something I necessarily look forward to – sure, it’s perfectly pleasant on the day, and let’s not pretend that we don’t all love presents in some capacity (getting them, giving them, wrapping them). The thing about Christmas is that the idea of it almost always ends up being better than the event itself, with visions of everybody turning up on the day getting along fabulously well, no arguments, fabulous presents, and the cooking going swimmingly. Hah. Show me a perfect Christmas and I’ll deliver the presents myself, join in with all the festivities and have the best day of my life (or maybe not…I might just pour drunken scorn over the whole affair). But maybe that’s a bit unfair; Christmas, for a lot of people, is a genuinely lovely time, and nothing goes terribly awry. In my house, we make the whole thing fairly low-key so as to avoid heightened expectations – and even taking into account my obvious bias towards this method, I think it’s the best way. But this isn’t about being fair to Christmas (Christmas has had it too easy for too long); this is about taking the worst parts and the best parts and making a mess in the middle. The Bad Side of Christmas: The Music: Let’s get one thing straight, Christmas music is shit. If I have to go another year where every time I venture inside a shop after the 15th of November I am accosted with the opening chord of ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’, I am going to poke someone in the eye with a festively decorated fork. Or at the very least nd whoever let this monstrosity of a song get so popular, personally sit them down, and make them listen to it repetitively until they go mad. On the off chance they still don’t get how annoying Christmas music is after that, I might just make them do my Christmas shopping for me, because if there ever was a nightmarish experience… Shopping: Let me just be clear; I love shopping. I love nding pretty things to add to my collection of other pretty things…sort of like a magpie. What I do not like, however, is a crowd – and crowds at Christmas are some of the most rabid, impolite crowds ever. You’re slightly in someone’s way in Tesco? You’re fair game for being unceremoniously shoved into someone or something, as if you were a piece of inconvenient meat. Let’s not even get into the way supermarkets look like a festive glitter monster vomited all over them from the beginning of December. No, wait; let’s. The Eyesores: Dancing Santas. Reindeer ef gies. Gaudy lights strung up everywhere. Done right, Christmas lights can be lovely – but when are they ever done right? Everybody has that one neighbour who just doesn’t know when to stop, always ending up with a house front and lawn looking like Rudolph himself had a few too many and shot festive cheer from both ends (you’re welcome for the image). But, maybe I’m being a bit unfair; Christmas isn’t totally bad. At the very least, there’s the time off, and the excuse to not have to actually go outside for at least a week (if you claim you do then you’re a lying liar who lies). And the whole present giving affair is quite fun – not just getting them, but giving them. At the risk of sounding lame and un-Grinchlike, I love giving presents. I love giving presents to people I like and watching them enjoy what they have received. I like spending time with people whose company I enjoy, and Christmas is the perfect excuse for a mass gathering. Then there’s the food. There is nothing better than the time just after Christmas dinner when you’re full and sleepy, and the Gruffalo is on. However, before I get ahead of myself and potentially thaw my cold heart of ice, let me just remind you all; for all your Christmas preparation and anxieties about how the day will pan out, it’ll probably be a bit rubbish. My advice is to not care as much, and just see how things go. That’ll probably mean you’ll actually enjoy it more. Or, y’know. Bah humbug.

Monday 3rd December

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Five reasons why this is a good thing 5

Made in Chelsea

Over history, human kind has invented many ironic hairstyles. The mullet, the bowl, the side ponytail. All of these have been thrown into the gauntlet of time and I hope to God that we never have to see the re-emergence of them. However, there is one haircut that despite the pricks that sport it, won’t disappear no matter how many idiots grow one on their heads like a horri c fungal infection: the quiff. One had to admire the originality of the cut when Elvis Presley and, sigh, Cliff Richard tried it, but when members of One Direction and Jedward sport it, I think it may well have had its day. Hair belongs on your head, not pointing towards the sky. I don’t care if you use gel, or water, or the twattiest of hair styling wax; however you do it, you’re still a moron. With haircuts you have one choice: short back and sides, side-burns optional. You can, if you wish, scruff it up a bit on top, but for the love of everything that is holy; if any part of your fringe points towards the sun, I will get some scissors, cut off that pathetic piece of hair, cook it and force feed it to you. Benjamin Butcher

We want it

3 Twilight

A realistic, gritty tale of that all-too-common teenage dilemma of whether to choose the tanned, buff wolf who can’t keep his shirt on, or the pale, skinny vampire with a dubious American accent who can’t resist brutally murdering you. She opts for the latter (by the way), and gets herself killed. Silly girl. The simple plot of a clandestine teenage relationship and subsequent pregnancy painfully stretched over ve (yes, ve) lms resembles a YouTube montage video made by a 13-year-old of close-up photos of the three stars set to emo love songs. The main message for the millions of young, impressionable wannabe-Bellas seems to be to stay off the fake tan, move to the woods, have sex with dead people and never raise the corners of your mouth to more than a smirk. Oh, and die, preferably: it’ll suit you better than your miserable little life did. No offence. Apocalypse or not, the Twilight Saga is of cially over. Which begs the question: what ever will we do without this franchise? Fear not, I’ve got a feeling that the empty void in our hearts reserved for teen-fantasy American schmaltz will be lled all too soon. Charlotte Lightowler

Football - where to start? Firstly the players; for people who are paid millions and millions of pounds to chase a glori ed pig bladder and kick it between two sticks, they aren’t half pathetic. At any sign of contact they collapse as if they have been shot, in a pathetic bid for attention. When decisions go against them they moan and complain like children, because of course it’s never their fault. Off the pitch they cheat, ght, crash their cars, and then take injunctions out to cover it all up. On top of this, the partisan fans cry when they loose and moan incessantly because they’re so much better than the striker, manager, or more annoyingly the referee. Referees are the only people that have to be on a football pitch because children need babysitters. The refs aren’t idiots. They train hard and know a lot about the game! The idiotic fans are driven on by idiotic pundits who think they have the right to criticise the of cials because they have access to slow motion replays from many angles, which I assume they believe are abilities that referees are naturally born with. Pundits are far too quick to critise refereees for a mistake, but never a striker who misses a shot. So long, and good riddance Ed Peterson

What is it? I mean really; what is it? I’ll move onto the ‘why’ in a minute, but rst the ‘what’. It’s scripted reality? They act like there are no cameras, whilst looking at the cameras when they’re not sure what to do (which I assume is most of the time). What do they do when they go home and no one is scripting their life? Do they just sit there waiting for morning like a parrot who’s had his cage covered in the night, occasionally screaming at a mirror and smashing it for not giving them enough attention and telling them they’re pretty? And the people! They’re fucking unbearable. You know the people mate, bro, mate, yeah, mate, babe, girl, mate, yeah, hun, bro, babe, mate FUCK OFF AND DIE IN A HOLE. It’s lucky they’re rich, because otherwise they’d die from starvation after spending their wages on M&M’s they’ve tried to plant like magic beans. It’s like someone bottled vanity, mixed it with steroids and make up, injected the foul concoction into Katie Price and then gave the hideous monstrosity that untamed science created some plastic surgery and daddy issues. So now we can have a why? Why God? Why must you test us so? Thomas Gane

1 Quiffs

RuaidaihG

Footballers

It’s a bizarre result of millennia of evolution and cultural conditioning, but the zombie apocalypse survival strategy is one of the most dependable topics of debate in the modern playground, library and our noble drinking institution. No structure can be determined as truly safe by the wandering mind until all windows, doors and potential choke points have been assessed as suitably defendable against the risen-again shambling corpses of our recently deceased loved ones. Tragically though, it remains logically dubious and scienti cally ridiculous to expect Grandma to come shuf ing back from beyond with a craving for an extra rare brain steak. The reason that the zombie apocalypse sub-genre has become such a force in Hollywood, and the average eleven year old knows that a pump action shotgun is vastly preferable over a submachine gun when dispatching condensed crowds, is that there is little room for strategy in our dull day to day lives. Instead, we resort to fantastical scenarios to exercise our zombie-bashing desires. So then, in the ultimately tragic circumstance that we become doomed to death by the cannibalistic undead, at the very least we’ll get a kick out of it while it lasts. Provided the undead can’t run, obviously; that shit be scary. Alex Philpotts

Monday 3rd December 2012

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How to survive: The zombies

katja sarajeva

written by Ben Cochrane

We’re not saying that we want this to happen, it’s just that after all this preparation we’d feel a little let down you know? Okay we want this to happen soooo badly

s we all know, the world is meant to end on December 21st. This doom is predicted to come in many different forms: meteor strike, huge tsunamis, vicious hurricanes, nuclear war, the cast of Geordie Shore cloning themselves etc. But probably the most likely way the world will end is the breakthrough of a new drug that instead of curing cancer turns people into esheating zombies. Which is perfectly plausible (we do words here, not science). We’ve all seen the documentaries (words, not science!): 28 Days Later, Resident Evil, Zombieland, Dawn of the Dead, and the sequel Shaun of the Dead, which all detail the horror of what awaits us at the end of the world. However, as we all know, the protagonists of said documentaries usually survive and proceed to live in a much friendlier, happier and cuddlier world. So how do they do this? After hours of painstaking research in the eld (…okay, hours of TV watching) I have compiled a list of things you should do to ensure you are the ttest and therefore most successful in the battle for survival in the zombie infested world ours will surely (hopefully) become. How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse: 1. Don’t get bitten. That is how they turn you into a zombie. Get bitten and you’re fucked. Even if it’s an Emma Stone/Andrew Gareld Zombie and you’re into that kind of thing. 2. Watch the documentaries I have named above, especially Zombieland. This is one of the more scienti c programmes and gives a peer reviewed list of rules to live by to ensure you survive. Sit down and watch it with a notepad and a cup of tea. Take note of what the characters do. Also watch Shaun of the Dead, but watch it from a critical point of view. Most of the protagonists don’t survive the wave of zombies. Why don’t they? We need to analyse! This is why we go to University. Make notes on why you think they didn’t survive and what you would have done differently. Once you have these notes, memorise them and make sure you know what to do come December 21st. Then watch Shaun of the Dead again because it’s funny, and you’ll need good memories to look back on in the time to come. 3. Make sure you nd a good weapon. Zombies are killed by removing the head or destroying the brain (which you should

already know by now of course; there will be a test at the end). A strike to the head with a blunt object is enough to kill a zombie, pick humorous objects as again, you’ll need the laughs (perhaps go for a Lock Stock in uenced attack and use a giant dildo? Just a suggestion). Shotguns are also good, and they kind of make you look like a badass. If you have a pistol then make sure you shoot twice, utilising the ‘double tap’ technique (TEST: This is from which lm? Told you there’d be a test). Two bullets are far more effective than one. The best weapons however, are sporting bats of any sort, as they are designed for swinging and hitting - plus when you do nd a partner to protect you’ll look really sporty and are therefore far more likely to get laid. After all, there’s going to be a lot of repopulation to do. 4. Get t. It’s all very well having the weaponry, but the best way of avoiding getting eaten is to run away. There is no shame in doing that (or many other things: see the sequel to this article “the zombie apocalypse after dark” for more). Zombies are undead humans, and as such move faster than someone who is actually dead but slower than someone who is alive (more science!). The tter you are, the further you can exploit this technique and therefore the longer you can survive. Plus, again you’ll have a kick-ass body and be more attractive to the opposite sex when the repopulation time comes. 5. Pace yourself. Freedom is not going to come quickly and it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Unless it is actually a sprint, in which case you should do that. But not too much sprinting, that’ll tire you out. Always just the right amount of sprinting. Nope, not that much, bit more, bit more… perfect. That much sprinting. 6. Similar to a night in XL, always know your way out. Similar to pulling in XL, always have a back-up plan. Know the safest exit from any location. It’s no good nding a safe place only to nd that when the zombies do arrive, you have no means of escape and are trapped between XL, suicide or zombie death. That really doesn’t bear thinking about. 7. Keep moving. As I’ve said, we move much faster than zombies. If you keep moving they won’t catch up to you and who knows, they may get bored and give up, allowing us to live with them side by side, peacefully creating a new world order. Though probably not because they’re esh-eating zombies, can’t stress that enough. 8. Never trust a zombie. They may be a loved one, but that loved

one is long gone. All that remains is a retarded, esh-eating bastard that wants to enjoy you as a main course. For an accurate picture of the difference, imagine your course mate before and after Score. 9. In a similar sense to walking across Parade whenever RAG are collecting, check any location for zombies thoroughly. Once you have done that, check again. I cannot stress this enough (imagine it was RAG, the ICIA and BUST, this is what we’re dealing with here). Zombies can be quiet bastards. When entering somewhere new, you need to employ the same principals as crossing a road: stop, look and listen. Don’t be a lackadaisical dick (told you we were better with words) and just listen and look. This will also help you to nd a way out, killing two birds with one stone and multitasking like a boss. 10. Find a group of people. You know that many hands make light work? Well more bodies make you less likely to get eaten (TIP: shout at them to slow down so you can run faster than them. If they do slow down then they kind of deserve it). Find a group but make sure they’re not zombies. That is a schoolboy error, and to be honest if you can’t tell whether someone is a zombie or not, you deserve to get eaten. A good tip to spot a potential zombie is to learn how to do magic tricks and amaze him/her with them. If the person is too busy eating your brain to be amazed then they’re probably a zombie. 11. Identify the weakest person in the group, and when the time comes, sacri ce them. It may sound harsh, but you don’t get life points for being nice or friendly in this post-apocalyptic world (although maybe you do in post-apocalyptic Canada). Friendship is weakness, and you have to be a sel sh prick to survive. You have to be the equivalent of a Mitt Romney economic plan to make it through this. 12. Enjoy the little things and let’s face it; this is a once in lifetime opportunity. Do things that make you smile - for example, nding people you used to hate and murdering their undead asses is a productive and enjoyable pastime the whole family can enjoy. A happy zombie killer is a productive zombie killer after all. That’s my Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide, you’re welcome. The rest is down to you. Be smart, don’t take anything for granted and aim for the head. I’ll see you on the other side. Although be warned, I will probably try to murder you.

Monday 3rd December 2012

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How to survive: All the rest

written by Lily Morris

Navin Rajagopalan

ny Scout will tell you that the main things you need to survive after a huge disaster are food and shelter. Luckily, I’m here to tell you how to make those things, so be sure to keep this page for after the Rapture. Or for the couple of weeks before your student loan comes through.

Soup After the apocalypse sure, all the animals will be dead, but they probably died of radiation poisoning - so eating them isn’t such a good idea. Instead, vegetable soup will be your friend. Cut whatever vegetables you can get into smallish chunks and cover with chicken or vegetable stock dissolved into water. Heat until boiling and then simmer for half an hour. If you have a blender, you can ‘zuzz’ it to a smooth soup. This is also useful at the end of term when maintenance loans are running out. Stew Soup’s all very well and good, but after a few days it gets monotonous and depressing. If you decide to chance it with the meat you’ll need to chop up a rabbit (or other animal), an onion, and bacon if you can get it. Fry the rabbit pieces until lightly browned, then remove before frying your onion pieces and bacon. Put the rabbit pieces back in the pan, add enough water to cover and a stock cube or garlic if you have it, put the pan lid on and simmer for 90 minutes. Then add potatoes in small rectangles, allow this to cook (covered) until the potatoes are tender. If you can nd additional ingredients then go crazy - but a basic stew is more nutritious and interesting than soup.

Maybe it’s a piece of art now, but come the apocalypse it’s going to be crucial to your survival bcymet

Army Survival Pack If you’re sure the apocalypse is going to happen, it’s worth breaking into RAF Colerne to get hold of some MoD food packs. Each 24 hour ration pack has 3500 calories, which is perfect for the post-apocalyptic world. They contain such yummy meals as curry, roast, and shepherd’s pie, and are available for halal or other special dietary requirements. So get yourself there and break in before December 21st! Shelter This is the biggie. You can be as well-fed as you like, but if you don’t have a warm, dry, safe place, you might as well be dead. The easiest way to construct a shelter is to nd lots of branches of similar lengths and use them to construct a little hut, like a cross between Wendy’s hut in Peter Pan and an old-fashioned tent. Try and make the gaps between branches as small as possible, and wedge things like leaves and moss into the gaps that are there to help keep water out. It’s not Woodland Court, but it might just save your life. Practice Your lecturers will totally understand if you skip a week to practive living out on the golf course. This is a great opportunity to get some experience of the outdoors in a local environment before you’re in the post apocalyptic hell hole that we call Coventry... I mean the post apocalyptic world (but seriously it’s going to be like Coventry... okay maybe not that bad, but still). Golf balls can be good ammunition and you can build slingshots from underwear. The newer the underwear, the better; its elasticity will be good, so it’s important to sacri ce your best pairs. There’s no time for vanity in the apocalypse. Research Take note of the teachings of Bear Grylls and adapt them to your daily life. For example: Not anywhere near a river - better drink my own piss. Run out of squash - better drink my own piss. Missed the bus - better drink my own piss. You get the picture. Vodka Lots of it. Lots and lots of it.

The nights will be cold and long. You’re going to need some way to pass the time and also sterilise wounds

Monday 3rd December 2012

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2013, just in case we survive Film

For the kids: For this one, we’re going to have to go straight to Pixar’s new lm Monsters University. Hands down. I can’t deny that it’s got some very strong competition from Disney’s other main release in the form of Wreck-it Ralph and Ice Age creators Blue Sky Studios’ Epic, but in my mind it can’t be beaten. Pixar’s rst attempt at a prequel sees how the stars of the rst lm faired during their younger student years. Pixar never fails to hit the mark, and their return to a fan favourite is de nitely something to look forward to, whether young or old.

written by Ron Morrow and Alex Philpotts

For the nerds: This was a hard one to choose for me, being a huge fan of sci- , fantasy and comic book adaptations. Year on year the genres seem to be getting better and better and the coming twelve months sees the release of Iron Man 3, the next of the Avengers lms, Wolverine’s got yet another outing, and Kick Ass 2 looks set to be hilarious. Then we’ve got JJ Abrams’ sequel to his Star Trek reboot as well as the simply enormous Cloud Atlas. For me though, it’s got to be Iron Man 3, with the inclusion of Mandarin and the Iron Patriot convincing me it’s going to be epic.

For drama: It’s going to be yet another year of huge lms, and these are some of the ones who are going to be bringing the thunder; we’ve got The Dark Tower and The Great Gatsby bringing in adaptations of some classic literature, while the likes of Gangster Squad, Now You See Me and Zero Dark Thirty bring a bit more action with them. My vote however is going on Now You See Me as Jesse Eisenberg takes the lead, joined by Mark Ruffalo and Woody Harrelson in what looks to be a cross between Ocean’s 11 and The Prestige.

Games

While in no way attached to the story of the previous games, but still building on similar themes of 20th century exceptionalism, Infinite looks set to stun the world with more first-person sword-casting. Set within the floating city of Columbia, it is up to agent Booker DeWitt to rescue a captive young woman by the name of Elizabeth. Hijinks ensue in the form of two warring factions of the dying city fighting over her; we all know the story will be something exceptional, and right now it looks like the game to wait for with bated breath.

I could have easily put something like Lara Croft or GTA V in here, but I gured this stunningly beautiful game was more deserving of being brought to your attention. A joint venture by Level-5, the creators of Professor Layton, and Studio Ghibli, the world famous Japanese animation company, the story follows a young child named Oliver who gains the ability to travel to an alternate world. It’s been out in Japan for over a year now, and I’ve been waiting (quite) patiently since to get my hands on this RPG and its incredible hand painted world.

Debates aside about whether you consider Nintendo’s new Wii U to be next generation technology or not, we have to accept that the next level of gaming is here, and that the next year is going to be awesome. Developers are going to get used to the Gamepad controller and E3 will see Microsoft and Sony either nally reveal their next consoles (or, alternatively, some ridiculous peripheral they claim extends lifespan by yet another 10 years). How can you not be excited for the upcoming year in gaming? It’s going to be incredible and you’re the perfect age to experience it!

Man Alive hit the charts hard at number 17. That would be an impressive achievement for anyone edgier than Mumford and Sons, but for psychedelic art rock band Everything Everything to bust their way into the radiowaves wielding blunt computer references is a feat worth pricking your ears up for. Delicate PR management tipped them away from the appearing dangerously non-conformist, and into the simply-not-giving-a-fuck bracket. Any band who can pull off jarring electronica and shoehorn it into the public consciousness deserves a listen to their second album. Summer single “Cough Cough” doesn’t suggest that they’ll be trying typically anything radio-friendly either.

Lyrically, Frank Turner is the single most talented singersongwriter in the country at the moment. Despite the lyrical masterpiece that was his second album ‘Love, Ire and Song’, Frank retained a cult status until his fourth album, ‘England Keep My Bones’, which was released to massive acclaim last year. As of this autumn, he’s headlined festivals, sold out the 12,000-seater Wembley Arena and was the warm-up act for the Olympic Opening ceremony. It’s taken a while to get this far, but Frank Turner is setting the live music scene on re - and his 2013 fth album isn’t likely to be taking the wind from his sails.

Music

Foals came into existence from the ashes of math rock band The Edmund Fitzgerald, but debut Antidotes was a different beast; the eccentric keyboard antics of their background was jazzed up and synthesized into one of the few dance-punk sounds that was genuinely listenable, if spectacularly pretentious. Follow up ‘Total Life Forever’ however, walked a delicate balance between a stripped-down new direction and lazy selfindulgence. 2013 will bring a new album for Foals, and their genuinely brilliant new single “Inhaler” – which swings all the way back around to Antidotes with a roaring new arrogance – could be the rst great piece in a very smart back catalogue.

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Review: Bath Film Festival only comes from lm festivals. While it was a very cleverly written view of what the future may include and an impressive feat on its lowly budget, the acting let it down extensively. Bringing the festival to a glorious nale was the premiere of Seven Psychopaths (8/10) in the Little Theatre. Martin McDonagh’s new creation, in which he re-joins with his lead man from In Bruges (Colin Farrell) is clever on so many levels, giving the

audience enough to consider mentally, with enough action to enjoy mindlessly. Joined by Christopher Walken, Sam Rockwell and Woody Harrelson, the lm is smart, funny and simultaneously subtly and explicitly self-referential. The Bath Film Festival was a wonderful experience and I look forward to next year. *For full reviews of the lms shown visit Ron’s blog: www. thenorthernnerd.wordpress.com Lizzie Rapley

n some level, I’m ashamed to say that I’d never been to a lm festival before - but after two weeks of intimate screenings and incredible lms, any doubts I may have had about them have vanished. Playing across a range of venues dotted throughout the city, the festival got off to strong start with the indie sci- /romance Safety Not Guaranteed (7.5/10) in Komedia. Every lm is prefaced with an introduction from one of the people running the festival, the majority of whom were volunteers making sure the whole thing came together. The effort that everyone involved put in was more than apparent though, and the staff were never anything less than pleasant. To my eye, there were no mess ups and the screenings I attended went off without a hitch. Showing 55 lms across 12 days while trying to cater to such a varied audience was never going to be an easy task, but by incorporating lms related to the Bath School of Art and Design, a fantastic selection of previews as well as a run of documentaries and the inclusion of a strand from the London Sci- Film Festival, there was more than enough here to keep everyone interested. Being more personally interested in the genres of sci- , indie and popular cinema I made sure to do the rounds and see a decent selection. Robot and Frank’s (7/10) tale of near future living during the onset of dementia left me teary eyed and heart warmed, and I can’t have been the only one as the audience gave a rousing round of applause as it drew to a close. Police drama End of Watch (7.5/10) proved to be a truly fascinating look at just how convincing actors can become when they’re given the opportunity to tell such an engaging yet suf ciently action-packed story. The trailer for the dark indie comedy Sightseers (6.5/10) left audiences laughing incredibly during other screenings, but unfortunately made the whole lm somewhat disappointing by comparison. It’s still a brutal lm with some classic lines, but the story lulls and never really recovers. Watching the mockumentary Ghosts with Shit Jobs (6/10) in the elegantly decorated Masonic Hall demonstrated the kind of surreal experience that

written by Ron Morrow

Scenic locations, eager audiences and another example of Bath’s rising cultural status

Review: A.Skillz/Goodgroove Pedro de Jesus Gomes

written by Thomas Gane

A.Skillz and Goodgroove bringing the funk to Moles in a week that also included Justin Martin and Subvibe he weather of the past few weeks has been pretty fuck- mer evenings in tents across the country. My brief respite from our rainy reality came from the work ing dire. Maybe you haven’t noticed, perhaps you live in a house with no windows, no access to any form of of a certain Mr. Skillz, Mr. Goodgroove and the lovely people at news and you have your food posted through a letterbox on Moles. Regulars of our paper already know we love Moles for ofregular intervals. If this is the case then I have no idea how fering an alternative to the generic DJs regurgitating chart hits you’re reading this, but I can assure you that it has been rain- and last week it excelled again (another example of Bath’s reing. A lot. A lot a lot. Despite this last Friday I was happily surgent music scene after recent gigs from Grandmaster Flash tipsy and rocking the kind of vibe that is usually saved for sum- and Subfocus). On the Thursday dub/drumstep producer Sub-

vibe was resident and Saturday was the turn of renowned house DJ Justin Martin. Wedged between them on the Friday we had Goodgroove present A.Skillz which was my night of choice (curse you student budget). Bath based Goodgroove opened the night with a funk lled set that gradually got the room to a full capacity (another good thing about Moles is that it lls up like festival times, since when is 2am closing time?). Rocking his trademark hat and never afraid to play with the audience, leaving little gaps between drops to make the eventual effect far greater. Listen to: Get Out My Head - Goodgroove remix (available as a free downlaod off his site) and Rockin Rollin - Funk Ferret and Goodgroove. As I previously said, the feel of the evening was like a sunny evening at a festival, everybody moving and enjoying something they might not otherwise listen to. If Goodgroove was the evening warm up then A.Skillz was the man that tears shit up as the sun goes down. I honestly believe he’s one of the best DJ’s working in the country today. Mixing classic soul and funk tracks like ABC and California Soul with hip hop classics like Jump On It and seemlessly moving into more recent tracks such as Otis (everyone should listen to his remix of that by the way). In terms of skill he’s basically second to none (amazing live scratching over traditional tracks and more drum and bass or dubby tracks) and again the way he works a crowd makes the gig that much more enjoyable. Listen to: Otis - A.Skillz Remix, California Soul - A.Skillz remix (both available for free off his site), Tricka Technology A.Skillz and Krafty Kuts and his Annie Nightingale guest mix. First Impressions: “This was my rst night in Moles and I loved it. The music created a fun and exciting vibe in the most urban style night club in Bath with the funky sounds of A Skillz creating a great atmosphere.” - Pedro Gomes, photographer

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Sex Column: Strip sleaze

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written by bite’s Sex Columnist

cynnerz photos

ast weekend, my curiosity got the better of me and I decided to take a spontaneous trip to a strip club with a few girlfriends. After sweet talking our way around the entry free (I’m not paying for that shit) we climbed the stairs to sit up in a bar with 20-30 seedy men leering at a 25 year old performer complete with nipple tassels and a disconcertingly large grin on her face. It’s not my rst time in a strip club, but I’ll admit that I only go to strip clubs to laugh at the men in there. They’re a sad place to be, the oor sticky from tears of despair that have fallen from the cheeks of the 18 year old broken girls who parade themselves clad with nothing but the questionable self respect they have left. I don’t know whether the types of men that frequent these places are thinking that Moniqe-Desiraye will de nitely not be able to resist a nger-bang after tucking that last £50 into her leopard print G string, or whether they’re just trying to ‘spice up their marriage’ alone with no wife in sight, either way, all their brain-blood must be in their raging boners right now. Many girls I have known, especially during the naivety of adolescence, have spoken of the dream of jiggling your tits at some old men then walking away £250 heavier. It takes a materialistic, exhibitionist, hag of a woman to lower themselves to this type of work, readily disposing of their dignity for a crumpled £20 note shaking their arse to ‘tip drill’ by Nelly whilst a sad old man gawps at you to escape his own damaged reality. Then again, each to their own I suppose, if you put such importance on something that equates to an illusion of happiness (money) and the only way you can earn such money is by parading your looks, then that’s your life choice. Maybe we need strip clubs… maybe they offer a safe place for men to explore their sexuality in a consensual way, showing the progress rather than the downfall of the 21st century male. I know I would rather these sorts of men in strip clubs than lurking around the corner from my house hiding in a bush, that’s for sure.

Pragmatic approach to making money, or degrading and perverted?

Agony Aunts, Lucy and Edie

Our Agony Aunts return from their discussions of cats, knitting and whether length, width or enthusiasm is more important to answer your deepest, darkest and most personal problems in a totally non judgmental way... okay maybe they judge a bit, but at least they eventually stop laughing long enough to reply. To send in your problems, email them to impact-bite@bath.ac.uk Dear Lucy and Edie. Hello. I’m having trouble expressing my love for my girlfriend. She’s a goth, so I want to do it in a way that she’ll really like. She wears a lot of black, has a ickr account full of dead sheep and has turned her room into a cemetery. Please help, Charles

Hello Charles, No need to panic! Why not try these crackers: ‘I’m going to love you so hard that you’ll die as slowly as if I’d shot you in the stomach’; ‘You’re going to slowly drown in this ocean of gentle caring until soppy love clogs your lungs’ or my personal favourite ‘When you die I’m going to crawl into your coffin and lie beside you so the worms can eat us together’. Those ought to do the trick. If not read extensively to her from Romeo and Juliet, but none of the soppy crap about how much he loves her and is willing to climb a balcony for her (seriously is that all it took? I’m astonished it took her as long as it did to be part of an idiotic couple suicide as I assume Juliet became infatuated whenever someone held a door open). Go straight for the poisoning and suicide. It’s a move to die for. Lucy and Edie

Dear Lucy and Edie. My boyfriend of three years just dumped me. I feel like I’m dying a slow and painful death. Please help. A Tearful Anon.

Firstly you need to accept that you have to mourn your relationship. Not for very long. A few days will do. Wear his old jumpers as well. Try and drop food on them from your comfort-eating sessions for a truly accurate ‘newly single’ look. Drink wine alone and watch Bridget Jones on repeat. Then get over it. Put down the family-sized Galaxy and unfriend the local takeaway on facebook. Get a dartboard and stick a picture of his face on it. Or print out masks of his face and get your friends to wear them whilst you kick the shit out of them. If your friends disagree, punch them harder. They should be more supportive De nitely join a gym. You don’t need to go but it makes you look like you’re sorting your life out and people respect that. Get a tattoo to represent the traumatic hardships of your life. Or at least cover up the tattoo you already have of his name on your bum. Maybe get an in nity sign tattooed somewhere really original like your wrist to show that you can always count on yourself. Or get a love heart done on your knuckle. Or a peace sign on your ankle next to the daisy chain you got done last year in Malia. Think outside the box. Go wild, you’re single now. Good luck, Lucy and Edie.

Dear Lucy and Edie, I’m dating a girl who is nice but far more experienced than me and I am intimidated by some of the things she does in bed. I’m open-minded but she has sprung things on me. What can I do? It feels like the end of the world. Thanks, Nathan

Nathan. Act like it really is the apocalypse and lock yourself in a closet or a lead lined fridge every time she makes a move on you. Make sure you pre-stock the closet with snacks, a torch and all the other things that Americans stock their emergency shelters with aside from guns in all those end of the world films. Or you could look through her old family albums and start dressing like her creepy uncle. Or, worse, her creepy aunt. Or you could invest in a cock-wig, a la Inbetweeners... Or you could totally turn the tables and show up to the bedroom dressed as a woman, armed with a giant courgette, and tell her that you enjoy crossdressing and foreplay involving different kinds of vegetables... If she enjoys that, dump her. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit. Happy End of The World, Love Lucy and Edie

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Fashion

Jingle Bell Frock written by Sophia Guilfoyle

he Christmas build up is now in full swing. The streets of Bath are once again buzzing with the arrival of the Christmas Market and the white lights are glistening up and down the busy streets. It is prime time to go Christmas shopping and time to get prepared for the festive season with some presents to yourself (that’s what I always tell myself anyway). I have picked out three styles for the festive season. Firstly the Christmas out t with an impact, perfect for browsing those Christmas markets, eating roasted sweet chestnuts from the stalls and ice skating on Victoria Park ice rink with your loved ones. The big coat will keep you toasty warm and the tan colour is a really in this season. The monochrome look is stylish and you will still look fabulous once all those layers are off! Keep warm with leather gloves, the faux fur adds simple style to any garment. Finally, knee high leather boots are an absolute gem this winter (they are on my wish list!), you will look elegant and sassy in a pair of these boots. Matild Short Wrap Coat £239.00 Ted Baker Top with Studded Neck £39.99 Zara Luxe Fur Cuff Leather Glove £28.00 Accessorize Sparkle & Fade Pleather Trousers £40 Urban Out tters Wiliam Knee High Boots £270.00 Kurt Geiger London

Secondly, the “Snuggled in front of the re eating mince pies” look. This simple idea emphasises being comfy and snuggled at home. Ugg boots will keep your toes perfectly warm and snug with sheep wool, what could be better? Add them to the Christmas wish list! Not so much of a Christmas ‘style’ but de nitely necessary for lazy days. Edesta Cotton Dog Sweater £99.00 Ted Baker Reindeer tee and short PJ set £18.00 Topshop Turquoise Sweatpants £39.00 Hollister Women’s Mini Bailey Button Sand £150.00 Ugg Union Jack Canvas Tote £9.00 Radley The third look and most exciting look is“Christmas Sparkle”. This season is the perfect opportunity to make a big effort with your out t. You’ll look fab in this metallic inspired style and with a ute of champagne in your hand, you will look the part. Topshop’s purple bodycon dress is a gorgeous colour and will show off those feminine curves beautifully. Don’t forget to accessorise with metallic items to make sure you sparkle! Purple Ribbed Bandage Bodycon Dress £49.00 Topshop Beaded Sequin Balcony Bra £40.00 Topshop Jewelled Box Clutch £49.99 Zara Leather High Heeled Court Shoe £49.99 Zara

Monday 3rd December 2012

bite

www.bathimpact.com

Issue 6

Monday 3rd December 2012

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Best Dressed Club

We don’t understand why some people put effort into Score fancy dress, but we appreciate it when they do

Monumental Tit of the Night I wanted to do a real caption, but every second longer I spend on this a little bit more of me dies a slow death

Look at all the happy people Perhaps the tirade of hate that is otherwise known as mintyscore has had a small effect as for some reason Score was a tad emptier than usual when we arrived. Still, this didn’t stop one very eager man offending enough people in a mostly empty club to the extent that he was kicked out by about 11.30. Top work that man. It’s intersting to note that despite there being masses of space on the danceoor, most people still managed to bump into us almost every time they walked by, as if we were some form of odd douchebag magnet. Another consequence of this increased space was that dancing became a thing. Normally Score is the equivalent of a can of tuna that was soaked in alcohol in that lots of small brained creatures that smell vaguely of vodka are vacuum packed into a con ned space. As such dancing becomes pretty much impossible. Instead an odd game of drunken pinball seems to occur in which mostly inanimate objects bounce off each other until they fall onto another players mouth. This week however gave us the chance to watch Bath’s nest “bust a move” or two and if possible we’d like it if you didn’t do it again please. The groping and grinding that occured meant it

1449AM URB 1449URB.co.uk

almost felt like I’d dropped off my eyes in a really dodgy neighbourhood and left them their to die. In a less crowded environment we also got to hear some ne poetry, such as “and then I said I’d fucking twat him so he fucked off”. Lovely. Just, lovely. The building itself also seemed to be suffering the effect of playing host to Score every week and like the human body ghting off a virus, started to show signs of wear and tear. The roof above the door sprang a leak that became the literall downfall of many unstable Score goers. One man in a Union Jack onesie saw a fantastic opportunity here and went tumbling to the oor in an artistic representation of the British Economy. Cameron and Osbourne take note, Score is not happy with your economic policy. On a more positive note there were nice people from Drinkaware promoting drinking in moderation and proving that pizza is the second best bargaining tool you can have. Also Rag were out promoting Movember but had the issue of every guy they spoke to trying to hit on them and proving that attractive women are the best bargaining tool you can have.

CTV

youtube.com/bathctv

This isn’t massively titish except for the fact sex in public can be icky, but this is just an image that the world must see

Quote of the Night “These condoms are so expensive. Fuck it, we’ll just go without” - Some young ladies who clearly learned a lot from the informative STD awareness boards that were in the SU last week

bathimpact

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Monday 3rd December 2012

Pokedex Corner

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Horoscopes www.bathimpact.com



Sagittarius

November 22 - December 21

Merry Christmas and a happy apocalypse. It’s been a pleasure and I’ll see you all in purgatory



Capricorn

December 22 - January 20

You’ve been arguing with your dad lately, he’s putting too much pressure on you. Go sleep with a binman, that’ll show him

 Aquarius

January 21 - February 19

Nobody wants to suffer the apocalypse as a virgin. Throw some charity to the mathematicians



Pisces

February 20 - March 20

Don’t jump to conclusions this week. For example, just because you can’t do a crossword it doesn’t mean that the crossword is wrong. There’s always the chance that you’re just a bit stupid

 Aries

March 21 - April 20 You’re struggling to think of the perfect Christmas present for that special someone, am I right? Well, why not try anal? It’s free and easy after the first 3 inches Across 4. It accumulates negative ions in the atmosphere to blast out 10000 volt lightning bolts (7) 6. Under a full moon, this Pokémon likes to mimic the shadows of people and laugh at their fright (6) 8. Its brain can outperform a super-computer. Its IQ is said to be 5,000. 10. While lulling its enemies with its vacant look, this wily Pokémon will use psychokinetic powers (8) 12. Capable of copying an enemy’s genetic code to instantly transform itself into a duplicate of the enemy (5) 13. A Pokémon that consists entirely of programming code. Capable of moving freely in cyberspace (7) 16. When several of these Pokémon gather, their electricity could build and cause lightning storms (7) 18. Very lazy. Just eats and sleeps. As its rotund bulk builds, it becomes steadily more slothful (7) 20. Its short feet are tipped with suction pads that enable it to tirelessly climb slopes and walls (8) 24. Its body always burns with an orange glow that enables it to hide perfectly among ames (6) 25. It seductively wiggles its hips as it walks. It can cause people to dance in unison with it (4) 26. Flies at high speed and attacks using its large venomous stingers on its forelegs and tail (8) 27. Forms colonies in perpetually dark places. Uses ultrasonic waves to identify and approach targets (5) 28. Its genetic code is irregular. It may mutate if it is exposed to radiation from element stones (5) 30. Because it stores several kinds of toxic gases in its body, it is prone to exploding without warning (7) 34. While apparently doing nothing, it res punches in lightning fast volleys that are impossible to see (10) 36. Normally found near power plants, they can wander away and cause major blackouts in cities (10) 38. Known as the legendary bird of re. Every ap of its wings creates a giant dazzle of ashing ames (7) 41. Its boulder-like body is extremely hard. It can easily withstand dynamite blasts without taking damage (5) 42. A legendary bird Pokémon said to appear to doomed people who are lost in icy mountains (8) 43. It spits out poisonpowder to immobilise the enemy and then nishes it with a spray of acid (10) 44. Bites anything when it attacks. Small and very quick, it is a common sight in many places (7) 45. It can live in or out of water. When out of water, it constantly sweats to keep its body slimy (9) 46. It was created by a scientist after years of horri c gene splicing and DNA engineering experiments (6) 47. Long considered a mythical Pokémon until recently, when a small colony was found living underwater (7) 48. A legendary bird Pokémon that is said to appear from clouds while dropping enormous lightning bolts (6) 49. Very competitive, this Pokémon will chase anything that moves fast in the hopes of racing it (8)

Down 1. It spits re that is hot enough to melt boulders. Known to cause forest res unintentionally (9) 2. In the distant past, it was somewhat stronger than the horribly weak descendants that exist today (8) 3. When it targets an enemy, it charges furiously while whipping its body with its long tails (6) 5. It uses its powerful tail in battle to smash, constrict, then break the prey’s bones (8) 7. Its hard scales provide strong protection. It uses its hefty bulk to execute powerful moves (9) 9. Drifts in shallow seas. Anglers who hook them by accident are often punished by its stinging acid (9) 11. As it grows, the stone portions of its body harden to become similar to a diamond, but coloured black (4) 14. Lives in the shadows of tall trees where it eats bugs. It is attracted by light at night (7) 15. Lives close to water. Its long tail is ridged with a n which is often mistaken for a mermaid’s (8) 17. A Pokémon that has been admired since the past for its beauty. It runs agilely as if on wings (8) 19. When storing thermal energy in its body, its temperature could soar to over 1,600 degrees (7) 21. After birth, its back swells and hardens into a shell. Powerfully sprays foam from its mouth (8) 22. So rare that it is still said to be a mirage by many experts. Only a few people have seen it worldwide (3) 23. When its huge eyes light up, it sings a mysteriously soothing melody that lulls its enemies to sleep (10) 24. Using its heavy muscles, it throws powerful punches that can send the victim clear over the horizon (7) 26. A strange seed was planted on its back at birth. The plant sprouts and grows with this Pokémon (9) 29. Moves silently and stealthily. Eats the eggs of birds whole (5) 31. The uid that oozes from its mouth isn’t drool. It’s a nectar that is used to attract prey (5) 32. With ninja-like agility and speed, it can create the illusion that there is more than one (7) 33. When in a hurry, its legs lengthen progressively. It runs smoothly with extra long, loping strides (9) 35. Extremely quick to anger. It could be docile one moment then thrashing away the next instant (6) 37. Lives about one yard underground where it feeds on plant roots. It sometimes appears aboveground (7) 38. Adores circular objects. Wanders the street on a nightly basis to look for dropped loose change (6) 39. If it fails to crush the victim in its pincers, it will swing it around and toss it hard (6) 40. Very protective of its sprawling territory, this Pokémon will ercely peck at any intruder (9) 45. Burrows to suck tree roots. The mushrooms on its back grow by drawing nutrients from the bug host (5)

 Taurus

April 21 - May 20

Remember, full fridges and cats will never lie. They’re also kind and caring and NOT THE KIND OF BASTARD TO RUN OFF WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE YOU’RE TOTALLY CALM AND BETTER OF WITHOUT THEM

 Gemini May 21 - June 20

Just in case the apocalypse does happen, work out which of your friends is weakest now and emotionally detach yourself. It’ll make it easier when you have to... you know. Also it’s best to fatten them up too, they’ll be slower, taste nicer and last longer



 Cancer

June 21 - July 21

Please stop posting your feelings about XFactor on Facebook. For the love of God don’t be that guy

Leo

July 22 - August 22 Well done. The best way to get respect as a modern institution is stick to misogynistic 19th century values. Oops, sorry this is the Church of England’s horoscope .





Virgo

August 23 - September 22

Cheer up. If we all die, so does John Terry and we don’t have to do exams. Plus you’ll never find out you’re adopted. Win, win, win

Libra

September 23 - October 22 Remember, sometimes vodka isn’t the answer. For example, before 11am it’s best to stick to wine. Counts as one of your ve a day too

 Scorpio

October 23 - November 21

Are you guys still seriously reading these? I gave up weeks ago