batimpact volume15 issue 12

bathimpact The University of Bath Students’ Union Newspaper

Volume 15 Issue 12

Don’t leave your cake in the rain facebook.com/bathimpact

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Monday 7th April 2014

Report finds that only half of students recycle ~ Page 4 Nick Efford

NUS survey finds sorry state of student housing ~ Page 4

University lecturers propose marking boycott Helen Edworthy News and Comment Editor proposed marking boycott could affect students’ assessments in the summer of this year if the ongoing pay dispute between universities and university staff continues. The marking boycott may also put graduations at risk, due to a refusal by academics to grade coursework and exams if no new pay agreement is reached by 28th April - when the boycott would start. The proposed boycott was given the green light by the University and College Union (UCU) on the 17th February, and the boycott would apply to all undergraduates and postgraduates at all British

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universities where academics are taking part.

The marking boycott also comes as part of a pay dispute between universities and university staff, which has been ongoing since last year. The pay dispute, which has led to two rounds of strikes by academic staff at universities across the UK, has taken place due to the 1 per cent increase for university staff. Talks about the pay dispute took place between the Universities and Colleges Employers Association (UCEA) and the UCU, however the UCU have stated that no offer was made during this latest round of talks. This is despite the fact that employers agreed to bring forward the next

meeting to the 15th April.

Head of Bargaining Michael MacNeil stated: ‘Employers did at least recognise that the falling value of staff pay is a real issue, but they did not make an offer at the meeting. We welcome the fact that UCEA have agreed to bring forward the next meeting to 15th April, as this gives them one more chance to make a fair offer before the marking boycott begins.’

The last time a marking boycott was proposed was in 2006, where the marking boycott was again as a result of issues surrounding pay. The 2006 boycott included refusal to set and mark exams, as well as a practice of ‘Mark and Park’ where academ-

business comment

The Economics of Destiny

e pag

11

In his final column, our anonymous economist explores the economics of destiny, including the global fight against poverty and the mathematical model for finding true love.

e5 pag Niche marketing or outright sexism?

Lily Morris discusses the new club night in Bath that promotes a cheap ‘Ladies’ Night’, and the implications for gender non-binaries.

ics would mark students’ work but then not release the results. The 2006 boycott was also backed by the National Union of Students (NUS), and was at no point successfully challenged despite several meetings.

When questioned about the marking boycott, a spokesperson from the University of Bath stated: ‘To date, the national industrial action has not had a significant impact on student experience here at Bath.

Whilst it would be regrettable for the unions to take further action deliberately aimed at disrupting the crucial examination period, we will work hard to ensure that there is minimal disruption for students during the assessment process.

bite

bite’s Fashion Extravaganza

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8&9

This week, bite goes on a style adventure as Fashion Editor Molly Maguire gives the fashion forecast, and Photography Editor Pedro Gomes attends RAG’s fashion show at the assembly rooms.

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Monday 7th April 2014

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HMO is where the heart is R

etrospective planning permission has been refused to owners of a 6 bed student property in King Edward’s Road, Oldfield Park. They recently applied to the Bath & North East Somerset Council for planning permission for work they completed last year, converting a three bedroom family house into student accommodation with 6 bedrooms. The Council’s reasons for denying permission are due to the already high percentage of HMOs (Houses of Multiple Occupancy) in that area.

HMOs are defined by the Housing Act 2004 as a house/flat which is let to 2 households of 3 or more unrelated tenants who share a kitchen, bathroom or toilet (for example, a couple living with another tenant, or 3 unrelated students). It also covers a building converted into non selfcontained flats, or a building converted entirely into self-contained flats - and the conversion does not meet the standards of the 1991 Building Regulations. An HMO also covers

a house where more than one-third of the rooms are let on short-term tenancies.

Regulations state that the percentage of HMOs in an area should not exceed 25%, and in the 100m area surrounding the property in King Edward’s Road it is already 32%. Other objections to the permission being granted included noise pollution and shortage of parking available. This will result in planners continuing to enforce action to convert this house back into a family property with fewer bedrooms.

This signifies the beginning of a difficult time for landlords of student properties in Bath, as in addition to the already existing difficulties, in January 2014 Bath & North East Somerset Council implemented a new scheme of Additional Licensing that applies to Landlords of any house with three or more tenants of two or more households in three popular areas of Bath. These areas are Westmoreland, Widcombe, and Oldfield. Roads affected by this in-

clude Brougham Hayes, Coronation Avenue, Lower Oldfield Park, Lorne Road, and Lower Bristol Road as well as hundreds more. This has resulted in higher rental costs charged to students to compensate for the cost of the licences to landlords.

This comes less than one year after the implementation of the Article 4 Direction, which also limits the percentage of HMOs in certain areas.

This has had an extremely large effect on students and landlords in Bath, with an ever increasing number of students from not one but two different universities looking for limited accommodation in a very small area.

These changes are causing concern to ramp up, with the affordability of living in Bath as a student becoming a bigger and bigger issue.

With the average rent in Oldfield Park at approx. £360, on a typical 11 month contract this is a rent of £3960 per annum. This leaves a very small amount of maintenance loan, and barely anything for students to use for food, drink, of travel.

The worry is not only for current students, but also any prospective students arriving in upcoming years – especially since the University’s intake is set to continually increase.

The expansion of on-campus accommodation may be sufficient to house these students during their first year of study, however concerns arise when they have to leave campus and find accommodation. This will especially be the case in consequent years, as the current clamps on the ability to increase HMOs in predominantly student areas is likely to drastically stunt any affordable expansion of student accommodation.

With graduate prospects for university students looking ever bleaker, and with no guarantee of employment upon completion of a degree, increasing finance concerns look to play a larger and larger role in students decisions on whether to attend university at all. This may spark the beginning of a great uptake of alternatives to the classic university degrees.

On supporting boycotting A

s you can see from the front page of this week’s bathimpact, the marking boycott is getting closer. As this is something which affects students directly, bathimpact thought we’d put our two-pence in. Firstly, we as a Committee support lecturers; here at Bath and across the country, lecturers have seen their pay rise at a rate lower than inflation – effectively a pay cut. This is something that people across the public sector have been facing and it’s not fair to anyone.

Let’s remember that this is not a Bath-only issue. University staff across the UK are having meagre pay increases in the face of their ViceChancellors receiving inflation busting pay increases. Is this fair? bathimpact don’t think so. But neither is this reason to go on an all out attack of

particular VCs for something which is not in their direct control either.

What those preparing to boycott in a couple of weeks are hoping for is that those in senior roles at their university start to speak up against an unfairness which has been plaguing higher education for many years now.

Let us not forget too those who criticise actions such as strikes and marking boycotts make out that it’s a great jolly for those involved – an afternoon, day, week off work. That is not the case. Working people use industrial action as a last resort, at a time when they are not being listened to, at a time when they are desperate. This is not action which has been taken lightly. Speaking to some lecturers it is clear that this is felt as the last resort.

You may also be thinking ‘I pay

£9,000 a year. This is ridiculous’.

Well, you’re correct. It is ridiculous that at a time when you, the student, are paying more you are in fact getting less. But, do not turn your frustration or anger on the lecturers themselves; turn it into something better, and turn it into what university staff need. Student support.

We are saying this as a Committee which has a few final year students whose degrees could be slowed down due to this action – however, we still support the staff. This isn’t really about an attack against the VCs, because it is, in actuality, about austerity. Austerity has meant the tripling of tuition fees, pay freezes for hundreds of thousands in the public sector, and a reduction in what the state provides.

Those sums do not add up, plain

and simple. There is nothing worse for the quality of teaching than a demoralised staff who are caught up in pay negotiations, and if those brokering these pay deals had any common sense they would see this. Let’s not descend into name calling between staff and VCs though. What should be hoped for is the acknowledgment on the part of multiple VCs across the UK that their pay increases are unfair at a time when the staff in their institutions are getting meagre 1 per cent increases.

What’s really needed is VCs coming out in support of the staff, because if it wasn’t for their staff some of their institutions would not be as prestigious as they are. We at bathimpact certainly hope a boycott won’t happen, but if this is what is necessary then it has our support.

The value of our degrees T

here are mere weeks until the end of the academic year, when we begin to trickle home in dribs and drabs, spending our summers in our childhood bedrooms, returning to the watchful gaze of parents and guardians and looking ahead to our return to independence when October swings round again.

Many of us, however, are heading towards an entirely different chapter of our lives, as we don our mortarboards and gowns and head to the Abbey to collect the results of all our hard work over the last several years. The question coming from our friends, our families, tutors, teachers and echoing around our own heads is “…now what?” Several of us at bathimpact are still struggling to work out the answer to that question.

With 40 per cent of university graduates still looking for employment six months after graduating, and 25 per cent still searching after

a year, prospects look moderately bleak. Students hunting for graduate schemes are choosing to write applications over uni work, and are scheduling interviews during the exam period, feeling as though time is running out long before graduation. The competition is high, the pay is often lower than it should be and returning to the pub or shop jobs of our pasts is becoming increasingly probable. But is the situation really that bad for us?

In 2013, there were 12 million graduates in the UK, and that number is steadily increasing year on year, but at the same time there is an increased diversification in the degree types on offer. Everybody has heard of the infamous ‘Golf Studies’ degree, and it’s well known that people that study arts subjects often struggle more to find employment; in 2013, 40 per cent of graduates of arts degrees were working in jobs that did not require a degree.

Unfortunately, there still appears to be a gender bias in graduate employability, with male graduates being more likely to gain a high or upper middle skill job, although this may be linked to the higher numbers of men studying science and engineering degrees, so this imbalance may be less strong in the demographics of Bath graduates.

The University of Bath is different from many others universities in that most of the degrees on offer here rank among the most desired by employers. This is especially true of science and business-focussed degrees, the latter of which have ranked the most valued by employers. We also have a much higher chance of going into a job connected to our degree, with 83.6 per cent of our graduates going on to professional work or study within six months of graduation, which much better than the national statistics. Extra-curricular activities

that demonstrate a range of skills are the icing on our degree cake, and it’s up to us to not leave that cake out in the rain.

It appears that we are less victims of the value of degrees, but rather how hard we work, and how much we get involved in (hey, we hear that getting involved in media is a really great idea). University is often the first time that people experience independence, and to explore what it is that we want to do with our lives. All of this gives degrees a value beyond simply exam results. However, with fees topping £9000 a year and the costs involved presenting a significant concern, it’s important to feel that when we are released into the real world, our years of work and debt and enduring student housing have formed a strong foundation upon which we can stand, stare someone in the eyes, and confidently say “seriously, I’m the guy for the job”.

The bathimpact team Holly Narey Editor-in-Chief impact-editor@bath.ac.uk

Tomos Evans Deputy Editor-in-Chief impact-deputy@bath.ac.uk

Ben Hooper bite Editor impact-bite@bath.ac.uk

Helen Edworthy News and Comment Editor impact-news@bath.ac.uk Tom Ash Features Editor impact-features@bath.ac.uk

Connor McGregor Morton Sport Editor impact-sport@bath.ac.uk

Pedro Gomes Photography Editor impact-photo@bath.ac.uk

Gemma Isherwood Online Editor impact-it@bath.ac.uk

Poppy Peake Publicity Officer impact-publicity@bath.ac.uk

Gabriela Georgieva Design Editor impact-design@bath.ac.uk

Elliott Campbell Media Officer su-media-officer@bath.ac.uk

Advertising Enquires Helen Freeman H.Freeman@bath.ac.uk 01225 386806

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bathimpact Students’ Union University of Bath Bath BA2 7AY 01225 38 6151

The opinions expressed in bathimpact are not necessarily those of the bathimpact editors nor of the University of Bath Students’ Union. Whilst every effort is made to ensure that the information contained in this publication is correct and accurate at the time of going to print, the publisher cannot accept any liability for information which is later altered or incorrect. bathimpact as a publication adheres to the Press Complaints Commission’s Code of Conduct.

Please contact them for any information.

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expressimpact

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Nick Clegg on the policies of Nigel Farage during the BBC TV debate hosted by David Dimbleby. The statement was in response to Farage’s argument that Britain should leave the EU, with Mr Clegg also stating that leaving the EU would lead to a ‘Billy-no-mates Britain’.

updates & events UPCOMING EVENT

A picture of the sakura (cherry blossom) trees

photo of the fortnight

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If it sounds too good to be true, it is.

News Lite

at Lake Kawaguchiko beside Mount Fuji.

The end of March saw the peak of cher-

Midori

ry blossom season in Japan, with the trees reaching peak blooming

Where: Claverton Rooms.

When: Tuesday 15th April, 7pm.

in Tokyo on the 30th March. The

NATIONAL

peak of cherry blossom season saw many people partaking in the annual practice of ‘Hanami’, the Japanese term for flower viewing parties

(coming from the word ‘hana’ (flower) and ‘mimasu’ (to see).

The number of people who die each year from shark attacks

which currently stands at almost one in fifteen. The figure is for the number of students who fail to complete the first year of their degree, with the actual number standing at 26,000 students for the year 2012-2013. The figure has been cause for concern due to the fact that it is thought that there has

INTERNATIONAL

LOCAL

fortnightly graphic

dents dropping out of higher education,

2500

The number of lefties who die from using ‘righty’ products

A graphic showing the official figures of stu-

Supermarket chain Morrisons has been accused of racial discrimination after it denied a Muslim couple break for Ramadan. One half of the couple, Donna Tunkara, has claimed that she suffered a breakdown due to the stress of working nights whilst fasting. Morrisons’ solicitor Philip Crowe responded by accusing Mrs Tunkara’s husband Yassin Tunkara of having a ‘history of telling lies and being found out’.

South Korea has claimed to be analysis what it believes to be a drone aircraft from North Korea, after one was found crashed on the border island of Baengnyoung. The aircraft was found shortly after the two Koreas traded artillery fire in an incident that Seoul has reported was started by the North. The drone was equipped by a high resolution camera.

Fortnight in figures

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The Activities Awards. To celebrate the wide range of activities taking place across the Students’ Union, the Activities Awards have come around again to celebrate the hard work of everyone involved. The awards recognise all societies, volunteering, media, and diversity and support efforts. Tickets are £16 on bathstudent.

been an increase in school leavers feeling pushed into inappropriate degree courses.

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The latest figures released by Nationwide building society have shown that house prices in Bath have gone up by 11 per cent over the past year. This is an increase on the four per cent annual rise that occurred until 2013. This is despite the fact that Bath’s housing market has been performing better in general than the UK national average, with London remaining the most expensive place to buy in the UK.

EDUCATION The Higher Education Degree Datacheck (HEDD) has stated that it has noticed many degree qualifications that are either wrong in various ways or overtly fraudulent. The HEDD has stated that there are many as one in ten degree qualifications with errors, stating that while some may be mistakes there is also clear evidence of fraud.

UPCOMING EVENT Bath World Heritage Day. A day to celebrate Bath’s ‘World Heritage Site’ status, the event has been organised by Bath and North East Somerset Council in association with the Bath Preservation Trust. The event is free, and open to people of all ages.

Where: Sydney Gardens When: Sunday 13th April, 12pm-6pm.

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State of student housing revealed A

cern was the lack of smoke alarms in student accommodation, as well as the 68% of landlords who failed to produce carbon monoxide detectors for their properties.

Energy bills were a further concern for many students, with 39% claiming to struggle to make regular payments for their heating, water and internet. Over two thirds of students admitted to wearing an extra layer of clothing in bed at night, simply to keep warm, and 40% used university facilities for longer than

surveyed students do not recall receiving information on recycling.

David Palmer-Jones, Chief Executive Officer of SITA UK, commented: “The first in-depth study of UK student recycling habits reveals a current climate of green austerity that bodes well for creating tomorrow’s generation of resource conscious domestic consumers and recyclers.”

Despite the report’s conclusions that students are less inclined to recycle than the general British population, a recent NUS survey learned that 80% of students wanted their institutions to try and prevent further climate change and promote sustainability. Presently, the University of Bath is reducing its energy consumption, in spite of a consistent growth in student numbers. The University spends around £5m on energy and water, but it has cut its annual utilities usage by about £1.5m, compared with six years ago. The University’s electricity and water use has declined by 11% and 21% respectively. Over the past six years, weather-corrected gas usage has fallen by 24%. Annually, the University produces over 4,500 tonnes of waste, which is the equivalent of 1,375 wheelie bins every week.

Terence Ong

A report by SITA UK, published in association with the National Union of Students (NUS), found that just over half of students are committed recyclers, compared to threequarters of the UK population. The recycling and resource management company conducted a survey of 2,563 students, which also found that 73.7% of non-recyclers in Britain are students.

The report discovered that almost 10% of students do not recycle at all, where around half of these non-recyclers are first-year students.

Furthermore, approximately half of respondents believed that they are doing all they can, in terms of the volume and range of what they recycled.

The study also revealed that whilst students generally prefer electronic communications to posters, respondents could more effectively recall information from physical communications: 29% of students can recall information from university posters, but only 17% of respondents could repeat sustainability information contained on their university’s website. However, about half of the

cially here in Bath. Another finding of the study was that letting agents charge an average of £400 in order to set up a tenancy agreement; this was again a cause for concern for many of the students surveyed.

The NUS is using this report to back up its campaign for the proper regulation of letting agents, and is meeting with the National Association of Landlords (NAS) and the national student crime group next week in order to tackle the issue of criminal landlords. Colum

The high quality of student accommodation at some universities does not prepare for second year

Students recyling numbers poor Anthony Masters bathimpact Contributor

necessary to decrease heating costs.

52% of students felt that their houses were ‘uncomfortably cold’, with 48% blaming this on poor insulation and draughts.

These financial concerns are exacerbated by the finding that half of students paid over £500 in a deposit to secure their property, before even moving in. 21% claimed to pay over £1000. The average cost of private rented accommodation, for a student, is around £360 a month, with many students paying more, espe-

mattbuck

Jess Elliott bathimpact Contributor study has found that more than three quarters of students live in poor accommodation, with problems ranging from damp and mould to electrical safety hazards. The study, commissioned by the National Union of Students (NUS), surveyed 3000 students living in privately rented accommodation.

The most common issue for student tenants is condensation, with 52% experiencing this problem in their houses. This is followed by mould; 47% of students had experienced this, and overall, 61% of respondents had experienced either damp, mould or condensation in their homes. One quarter of student houses were reported to be infested with vermin, with students describing infestations of slugs, mice, and rats as well as other vermin.

Landlords presented problems for many of the students in this study; 34% of students claimed that they were difficult to reach, even in an emergency situation. 53% of students reported serious delays in repair works, with these delays often impacting upon study, as well as basic necessities such as cooking and keeping warm. Another con-

McGuire, vice president for welfare at the NUS, has outlined issues with student housing, saying “although there’s a commonly held perception that poor quality student housing is a rite of passage, it is both disgusting and unacceptable that students should live in vermin infested housing in this day and age”. The NUS is also campaigning for tougher regulation of letting agents, and has produced a list of recommendations to safeguard students from housing problems, which includes the abolition of letting agent charges and further research into deposit protection. It has also suggested that governments should fund councils to prevent and end vermin infestations in students houses.

Housing Minister Kris Hopkins has confirmed that the government has given councils £4 million pounds to ‘tackle the small minority of rogue landlords’. He has also outlined plans for ‘redress schemes’, whereby letting agents will be required to belong to an organisation that will be easily contactable, in order for students to leave feedback and complaints should problems arise. Hopkins has however advised caution, claiming that ‘excessive regulation would simply force up student rents’.

HE financialisation talk outlines unsuitability

Simon O’Kane bathimpact Contributor

O

n Monday 24th March, a lecture entitled ‘The Osborne Ultimatum: the sale of student loans and the financialisation of higher education’ was given by Dr. Andrew McGettigan, a journalist for False Economy and the Guardian, at the Royal National Hospital for Rheumatic Diseases in Bath. The talk was organised by the University of Bath and Bath Spa University campus trade unions, as well as the Students’ Unions from both universities.

It was also chaired by Dr. Michael Carley, Vice-President of the University of Bath University and College Union (UCU) branch and Chair of Academic Assembly.

Dr. McGettigan’s lecture lasted around 90 minutes and was divided into two main parts. The first part focused on explaining how student loans work and why they are believed to be unsustainable. A student loan is not like an ordinary loan; it’s more like a tax than anything else. Nine per cent of all annual income over a certain threshold is taken from graduates’ salaries and used to pay off the loan. These payments continue until the loan is paid off, a certain number of years after the course ends, or the graduate dies.

Most current students have a student loan that falls into one of two categories. Those who started their degrees between 2006 and 2012 had the annual income threshold initially set at £15,000 but this has risen with average earnings and is currently

£16,365. The interest rate on these loans is either a measure of inflation called the Retail Price Index (RPI) or the Bank of England base rate plus one per cent, whichever is the lower.

The loan is written off after 25 years (35 years in Scotland).

For those who started after 2012 (£9,000 fees), the threshold is £21,000 and the loan is written off after thirty years. The interest rate varies between RPI and RPI+3%, depending on the graduate’s income at the time. Crucially, any of these conditions, even for loans that have already been taken out, can be changed by future Governments without a vote in Parliament, except for the interest rate on the pre-2012 loans that is fixed by law.

Following this long explanation, Dr. McGettigan pointed out the Government’s forecasts of how much of total amount borrowed through the post-2012 loans would be written off after 30 years have been consistently revised upwards, from an initial 28% up to 45%. This is due to a combination of universities charging higher fees than initially expected and graduates earning less than expected. He argued that if this trend continued, the loan scheme was likely to be unsustainable.

The second part of the talk focused on the options open to Governments looking to remedy this situation. Although the terms and conditions can be changed, Dr. McGettigan argued this would be politically unpopular and therefore a last resort, while conceding it has been done in New

Zealand. Another option was to put pressure on universities to increase their graduates’ earnings. There are a range of options for doing this, from making average graduate earnings for each university publicly available to allowing universities to change different fees based on their graduates’ earnings.

The final option is to sell the student loan book, along with the large amount of risk attached to them, to private investors, which Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has already announced his intention to do. Dr. McGettigan was part of the team that uncovered a confidential report for the Government by a prominent investment bank, which concluded that investors were unlikely to buy the pre-2012 loans unless a mechanism called a ‘synthetic hedge’ was implemented.

The proposed synthetic hedge would work as follows: if the interest rate fell below RPI at any time, the Government would compensate investors so they would receive the amount of money they would have received if the interest rate had been equal to RPI. Pointing out that this had been done with a previous student loan sale, Dr. McGettigan argued that selling the student loan book would constitute a short-term profit for the Government but a longterm loss.

Fielding questions from the audience, Dr. McGettigan clarified that the Student Loans Company, responsible for administering the loans, would remain in public hands.

Monday 7th April 2014

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The glorification of a figure’s death paigns against the ‘decadent, depraved, degenerate and debauched America’. They are also well known for their repeated picketing of service men and women who have sadly died in the line of duty. This is where they drew most of their animosity, how they view the dead.

Most religious bodies hold death in high reverence; it is seen as a passage from one state to the next, and death is meant to be sacred. Fred Phelps saw death

Simon Rushton bathimpact Contributor he results of the recent French municipal elections may seem like somebody else’s problem, and most notably the French’s at that. Why should we over here care that the National Front, UKIP’s French and slightly more right-wing brother, has taken control of 11 towns – especially since if we’re honest with ourselves we’ve probably never heard of? Well, the simple fact is that while it may not matter to us now, it will start to matter within the next month.

The reason it will shortly start to matter to us is that there are elections for the European Parliament, who have influence over our policy making. It also goes without saying that the policies created affect the direction of the European Union. Now is not the time to have a weak Europe, with the economy still not sorted out and an aggressive neighbour in the east; Europe needs to be united to look after its own interests – and we need to not forget that these interests are also our own.

The rise in the National Front’s popularity seems to follow the same formula as that of UKIP’s rise in the opinion polls: an unpopular leader coupled

with inept opposition. Assuming these two cases are isolated would be naïve, as it is predicted that in the Netherlands and Italy, the anti-immigration and Eurosceptic parties will do well in these elections. Coupled with the members from other countries, this could result in a large anti-EU presence on the inside.

The big worry is that this will slow down the decision making processes within the EU and limit the influence of progressives. Furthermore, it really reduces the likelihood of there being needed reform to the EU. It’s a vicious circle, as people are then going to think the EU is more defunct and the anti-EU parties will win more and more until they inevitably bring the system down. Then we will be left with small member states who are no longer economic players on the word stage, with potentially Germany being the only EU country that will be spared. There are two ways to stop this happening; firstly, the end of austerity - and secondly, having a credible left wing opposition.

Historically, in times of economic turmoil populations have always shifted to the extremes (admittedly normally the right) as a solution to their problems, and this period of austerity has been no exception.

In the UK, however, it seems that there is no option for the working

C

as punishment; a way for God to show his displeasure and anger towards people. He felt that death is vengeance. It is that dissolution from sanctity to vengeance that is what made Fred Phelps such an interesting man; abhorrent for sure, but always interesting. His whole life he enjoyed going against the grain, picking fights, having an argument - and in essence he enjoyed being hated. When you enjoy being hated, there is very little that

will stop you.

When someone died, Fred Phelps and his dogmatic followers would do their utmost to relish and glorify the misery felt by the friends and family of the fallen. In their eyes it was a good thing and you deserved it. This is in stark contrast to how most people view death; when you die you deserve respect. The case is meant to be that all your sins are washed away, because after all – once you’re cometstarmoon

Tommy Parker bathimpact Contributor ast away from you all your transgressions which you have committed and make yourselves a new heart and a new spirit! For why will you die, O house of Israel? For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone who dies" declares the Lord GOD. "Therefore, repent and live - Ezekiel 18:31,32.

Death - it is inevitable. It will catch-up with all us eventually and we will never escape it. Death has shaped entire civilisations and is a talking point for many philosophical and religious debates. I’m not going to talk about the constant circular arguments of whether there is life after death; it’s been done a thousand times before in a thousand different ways. Instead, I want to look at our attitudes to death, how we react to it, and most importantly the extreme views we take. In order to do this, I am going to talk about the former head of the Westboro Baptist Church, Fred Phelps.

Fred Phelps led a very hateful life, to say the least. The Westboro Baptist church, lovingly named ‘America’s most hated family’ by the BBC’s Louis Theroux, has touted a lot of hate and anger to those they deem as evil and sinful. Infamous for their ‘God Hates Fags’ and ‘Thank God for 9/11’ signs they have led many protests and cam-

The Westboro Church were given the title ‘Most Hated Family in America’ by Louis Theroux

dead, there is nothing more you can do.I, for one, dislike hypocrisy and reject both stances. Just because someone is dead does not mean the crimes or hurt they committed vanish; these things will still be felt by the living. The old adage that you must respect the dead cannot be applied uniformly.

Fred Phelps never held my respect before and he still doesn’t now. But nor will I stoop to his level, and I will especially not relish his death.

Death is always tragic, and a definite end. I do not wish death on anyone, because of the obvious fact that death stifles debate. You no longer engage with the opponent and try and change their views.

You cannot rehabilitate, persuade, just like they cannot make amends.

Death is just an end.

The news of his death didn’t strike me at all, and the event passed unmarked. When someone dies a line must be walked, and I believe that line is neutrality. We can sympathise with the friends and family and feel sad if the person was good and innocent, but otherwise neutrality is important and I do not think it makes you a bad person to feel that. We have seen the hurt that extremism causes on both sides, and neutrality allows us to look critically at the mistakes of the past and not gloss over them, while it simultaneously stops us becoming the people we dislike.

France’s move away from the left ernment. The other reason is that there is no other credible emerging left wing party that people can get behind. This is certainly the case in England; whereas in Scotland and Wales the nationalists will surely continue to see their popularity rise. Looking over the parties, it seems that the Green Party, in England and Wales, could be the way forwards, due to having headline policies such as: a liv-

ing wage, re-nationalisation of energy, water and the railways, and providing free school meals.

All of these seem to successfully point the correct way forwards.

It all seems great; however, I feel that their hippy stigma may dissuade potential voters. So maybe a complete overhaul of the brand and a competent PR campaign, the left can once again have a future. luc legay

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person fed up with Labour except UKIP. Voters, it seems, are somewhat conned by the privately educated former stock broker Nigel Farage and his ‘man of the people’ façade - and therefore they are also fooled by his party.

The reasons for this are that the Liberal Democrats, a somewhat traditional protest vote for the left, have successfully closed the door on the left with their role in gov-

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My warm welcome from Morocco Alexandra Egan bathimpact Contributor aving never been anywhere in Africa before, when I got the chance to go to Morocco I was immediately very interested to see what was in store for me in such an exciting, unique continent.

After a slightly daunting immigration control process, I found myself waiting with a group of other girls who all happened to be in

called Temara, next to the Atlantic Ocean, with beaches that rivalled those in Casablanca. The sunny, bustling, noisy nature of the town indicated economic and social development. Poverty, however, was rife.

As I made my way into the building where I was to spend 5 days a week sharing experiences and teaching French and English, I was greeted by a small, plump lady, who appeared to be in her rosemarydukelow

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the same volunteering organisation as me. After a short thirty minutes we were picked up in what we were soon to find out were average Moroccan taxis – battered old white Mercedes’ where about 9 strangers clambered into the 5-seater and were driven and dropped off at various points all over the city.

The city was Rabat, the economic motor and capital of the North African country, but where I was to work was a modest little town

mid-60s, with a beaming smile. I suddenly felt self-conscious when I went into the room full of women, with themselves entirely covered and their hair hidden under beautiful hijabs with intricate patterns and colourful designs. The rowdiest of the bunch, a lady in her mid20s by the name of Fatima, had a bright turquoise outfit on and strolled over giving me a big hug, bellowing a warm “As-salām 'alaykumb”. The ladies were to become my friends, meeting twice a week to belly dance, drink mint tea and eat incredible Moroccan tagine.

The girls immediately took me under their wing. I was shown over what was to be our classroom, which was actually a sewing factory, and introduced to who were to be my students. The students ranged from a three-year-old boy to a 70-year-old woman. I was handed a pen and a white board, and it was time to start. Throughout the ensuing classes we looked at maps and talked about where we wanted to go and what we wanted to do with our lives; we went out into the local forest in the late afternoon and early evening to play sports games and activities, I was even given a few classes of my own in Arabic by my own students. I can genuinely say the Moroccan people

are so warm and welcoming, and I felt very humbled.

I also couldn’t wait for the weekends either, since it was tiring spending the day in the sewing factory with a group of 40 people in the sticky, stifling heat. The weekend was down-time, and time to travel. My closest friend Rhona, a Phillipino-American, and I went on many-an-adventure with the other volunteers as well as alone, travelling by rail to the pretty sea walk of Casablanca, the biggest Souq market in Fez, the vibrant city of Marrakech, the Sahara Desert and the Atlas Mountains. We also spent some time exploring Rabat, the nearest city to where we worked.

The country was beautiful and the cities were incredible; I had never seen anything quite like it.

Morocco was an experience I will never forget. I learnt a lot and was able to open up my mind to a culture radically different to my own. At times it was hard; using a bucket to bathe and sleeping on the sofa could be trying at times, but I do not regret a single moment. Morocco is a developing and complicated country, with a bright future ahead. A big thank you to all of those who welcomed me into their lives – or should I say a big “Shukran”.

reforms of SU Officer elections than most people realise. The most tangible part of her legacy is printing costs for PhD students, which were halved after a successful campaign involving Maddy, several academic staff and myself. I nominated her for Outstanding Contribution to the Students’ Union (2011/2012 was the only year this award existed) and in my opinion she was robbed to not have got it.

The third student is Richard Guthrie, PGA Chair 2009/2010, PGA Exec Member Without Portfolio 2011/2012.A mature part-time PhD student in PoLIS, Richard uses (yes, he’s still around!) his experience from his long career as a political researcher to achieve what he wants for postgraduates (and occasionally other students as well). In contrast to Maddy, however, Richard’s more lasting achievements are centred on social events as opposed to representation. As PGA Chair he was influential in working with the Freshers’ Week Event Managers (FWEMs) to get a postgraduatespecific timetable and wristband introduced for Freshers’ Week, while also introducing PGA’s signature Cuppa Coffee event, which has since been successfully emulated by the International Students’ Association (ISA). Richard still helps out with Cuppa Coffee and Postgraduate Freshers’ week whenever he can.

Number four on the list is Charlotte Keen, Freshers’ Week Event Manager (FWEM) 2013.In response to the lad culture that has

blighted Freshers’ Week since forever, Charlotte the Feminist FWEM (yes, they do exist!) came along with her big smile and decided she would clean things up a little. New rules, which appear to have actually been enforced to some extent, prevent Freshers’ Crew from either bullying freshers into drinking or following them to halls after the club nights.

Your first week at University is too important to be made to feel excluded via lad culture. She also runs a blog called Happier Than Larry, which now has its own Twitter account (@HappierThnLarry).

Last but certainly not least, I want to talk about Sally Williamson, SU Community Officer 2013/2014.

Bath has never had a particularly strong reputation as a particularly campaign-y SU; instead, it has a reputation for lad culture, snobbishness and decadence among a sizeable minority of its students.

Imagine you’re one of those. You have now been zapped by Sally’s magical Rainbow Wand of Caring.

You have to start caring now. Soon you will be signing petitions, campaigning on Parade, submitting stuff to Ideas To Action and debating feminism on Facebook. Have fun!

Both Sally and SU President Ellie Hynes have been instrumental in the Time to Change campaign around mental health. As this is an issue that affects so many students and indeed people in general, I cannot emphasize enough how important this particular campaign is. Go get involved!

Why I believe students make the uni Simon O’Kane bathimpact Contributor ’ve long been a believer that it’s not the Officers and the staff that are the true essence of the Students’ Union, but the students

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themselves. There are so many students, particularly women, who make significant contributions only to be overlooked and forgotten.

I could easily fill a page with the achievements of these remarkable

The fine line of niche marketing Lily Morris bathimpact Contributor When was the last time you saw a nightclub advertising a ‘Ladies’ Night’ with a lower price on entry for female partygoers than for male partygoers? When was the last time you saw a special drinks deals available only to ‘groups of girls looking for a fabulous time’?

The recent appearance of such a night on my Facebook feed alerted me to the fact that, despite its questionable legality (differing entry prices based solely on gender are, according to the Equality and Human Rights Commission, unlawful under the 2010 Equality Act), this kind of club night hasn’t been left in the last century where it belongs.

There are three main problems with this kind of promotion. Firstly, there is the idea that attracting female clubbers into a bar will then entice male attendees to part with their cash in the hope of getting lucky. Girls are, in this case, being used purely as bait. Objectified, if you will.

A second problem with this kind of promotion is that it can create awkwardness for individuals who fall outside the gender binary. If a transgender individual lives as a man but still has ID stating their sex as female, do they get drinks deals and free entry? What entry price should genderfluid individuals have to pay?

Thirdly, there is the simple fact that it is wrong to provide a different service or charge a different price based purely on the purchaser’s gender. This is true whether we’re referring to women being paid less than men, young boys not having the same range of options as girls (while female doctors and surgeons are widely accepted, male nurses and nannies can face prejudice), or, as here, men being charged more for the same experience.

And, you know what, nightclub promoters? I’d rather go to a club night which tries to appeal to me because it plays music I like, or serves my favourite kind of cider, than one which attempts to use my gender as an advertising tactic.

people, but as I don’t have a page I’ve picked five students who have not only left lasting legacies but received endorsements from others for having done so. The first is Rhiannon Norfolk - Rhiannon has held many committee positions over the years, but her signature achievement has less to do with any of them and more to do with her sheer determination to put injustices right. You know the Gold Button for reporting disabled access issues (estates-accessibility-issues@ bath.ac.uk)? That’s basically there because Rhiannon was tired of being unable to get anywhere in her wheelchair and yelled at Estates and the SU for years, until eventually the SU gave in and in a remarkable display of defiance basically forced the University to force Estates to do something. When she’s not fighting ableism her passion is Archery, which happens to be one of the most inclusive Sports Clubs at Bath.

The next student I want to talk about is Maddy Stow, Postgraduate Association (PGA) Chair 2011/2012.2011/2012 was the year I served on the PGA Exec and I couldn’t have asked for a better Chair. If I went into everything she did for the PGA her entry would be far too long, but the most important thing she did was to shout at the SU until they actually started caring about postgrads. She was also easily the most committed member of Elections Committee that year (more so than the Chair!) and had a lot more input into the subsequent

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Photonic crystals and nano-rods

Three years on, Simon O’Kane gives an update on his LED research tive index n, the speed of light cn = c0/n, where c0 is the speed of light in vacuum. Semiconductors such as GaN tend to have much a much higher refractive index than insulators such as air, glass and epoxy.

Photonic crystals require two materials of different refractive indices arranged in a periodic pattern. In LEDs there are two ways of achieving this: cylinders of GaN

surrounded by air/glass (nanorods) or cylinders of air/glass surrounded by GaN (nano-holes).

My project focuses on nano-rods, as these are attracting greater research interest. The nano-rods have a diameter about one thousandth of that of a human hair.

Most theoretical studies of nano-rods use purely numerical calculations, which use a form of trial

and error to solve Maxwell’s equations of electromagnetism. While these methods are highly versatile and can make very accurate predictions, to do so requires significant computation time. In addition, purely numerical methods make it difficult to identify the physical mechanisms responsible for predictions.

What I do is quite different.

Franklin Heijnen

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was going to write an article about a very interesting seminar I recently went to by one of the economists behind the initial (i.e. pre-Blair) system of electricity privatisation, about smart metering. However, it then occurred to me that this academic year, along with my PhD, is drawing to an end, yet I haven’t given you the update on my light-emitting diode (LED) research that I promised three years ago. Here it is…

Last time, I explained that I was going to research the use of photonic crystals in LEDs in order to control the direction of light emission. In the end, I focused not on the properties of photonic crystals as a whole but the individual elements that make them up.

Before I can explain that, I must explain what an LED is: it is quite literally a diode that emits light. A diode is made of one or more semiconductor materials; for LEDs, a transparent semiconductor such as gallium nitride (GaN) is required.

The actual semiconductor chip at the heart of an LED is only around 1mm wide; the rest of the device consists of electrical wires, a mirror at the back and a protective casing of clear epoxy resin.

The optical properties of transparent materials are determined by a number called the refractive index. Inside a material of refrac-

Many potential future uses have been suggested for LEDs, including laser diodes and solar cells

These nano-rods are cylindrical and of a higher refractive index than the surrounding material, allowing me to adapt the well-established theory of optical fibres to these structures, which are physically little different to optical fibres of a finite length. I’ve created a mathematical technique that allows me to predict the angular distribution of optical power (in other words, how much light is emitted at each angle) resulting from each of the different optical fibre modes.

However, in order to calculate how much light is emitted into each fibre mode to start with, you need to know exactly where in the nanorod the emission is taking place.

Although we have a good idea, we don’t know for certain. Also, the model only considers a single nano-rod in isolation; it’s not yet able to predict what sort of effect the neighbouring nano-rods will have.

Finally, the nano-rods are often sloped in practice (more like truncated cones than cylinders) and the model is not yet equipped to deal with this.

Fortunately, none of these problems are intractable and will most likely be resolved in the future. What’s more, nano-rods have many potential applications outside LEDs, such as laser diodes, solar cells, photodetectors and even quantum computing.

Synthetic yeast chromosome built Suzanne Clare bathimpact Contributor

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Saccharomyces cerevisiae is a species of yeast that is involved in winemaking, brewing and baking.

The recent achievement, led by Jef Boeke of New York University’s Langone Medical Center, involved the use of computer-aided design in order to edit the third chromosome of Saccharomyces cerevisiae. Out of the 16 chromosomes in Saccharomyces cerevisiae, scientists specifically chose to synthesise the third chromosome due to its small size (relative to the other 15 chromo-

Tess Watson

n international team of researchers have synthesised one of the sixteen chromosomes of the yeast Saccharomyces cerevisiae. The last landmark in synthetic biology came in 2010, when Craig Venter and his colleagues reportedly built the first synthetic genome of a bacterium; however, this is the first time anyone has produced a synthetic yeast chromosome due to its greater complexity,

having 16 chromosomes compared with the single one present in bacteria.

Yeast consists of single-celled organisms classified as eukaryotes due the presence of a nucleus that stores their genetic information. For years, scientists have recognised yeast as an appropriate model for understanding the basic functions of human cells, as it shares around 2,000 genes with human cells and is much more amenable to genetic manipulation than human cells.

Millions of yeast cells, with an average diameter of 3-4 micrometres, viewed under a microscope

somes) and its vital functions within the yeast cells: control of mating and genetic change. A staggering 50,000 base pairs were altered out of an approximate total of 317,000 through additions, deletions and replacements of base pairs that were believed to be destabilising or unnecessary for reproduction or growth. To begin with, the scientists inserted short sequences of DNA called loxP just after the end of each nonessential gene - those they knew could be deleted or changed without killing the yeast. LoxP is a part of a standard molecular biology tool which triggers a cascade of chromosomal changes upon chemical activation. The team also put loxP at distinct locations such as the telomeres at the tips of chromosomes and the centromeres at each one’s centre. Although Boeke and his colleagues wanted to make the genome unstable at any time they desired, they did not want the genome to undergo changes or rearrangements of its own accord as this could potentially disrupt the integrity of the synthetic strain. Therefore, to increase the genome’s stability, they took out mobile DNA elements such as retrotransposons that transpose by reverse transcription, followed by random integration at a new target location in the genome. Many of the introns (noncoding sequences between coding regions of a gene) were also removed. In addition, the

scientists modified some of the natural stop signs in eukaryotic genomes - the ‘stop’ codons, detectable by the polymerase chain reaction, that tell a cell then to cease making an RNA. Despite all the modifications of the synthesised chromosome, the newly made yeast cells were shown to behave almost identically to wild yeast cells, but also to possess new capabilities and possibilities.

Boeke’s team now plans to make even more significant changes by using a technique called “SCRaMbLE” which stands for Synthetic Chromosome Rearrangement and Modification by LoxP-mediated Evolution.

This method aims to cut out a greater number of random sets of genes from their synthetic chromosome in the hope to further study the interactions between the various genes.

Furthermore, having the ability to produce new synthetic strains of yeast could result in some very useful types of yeast that could be used to make rare medicines. Such examples are artemisinin for malaria, or certain vaccines, including for hepatitis B, which is derived from yeast.

Synthetic yeast could also be used to produce more efficient biofuels, such as alcohol, butanol, and biodiesel. Meanwhile, other research teams around the world have divvied up S. cerevisiae’s 15 other chromosomes, and are hard at work synthesizing the yeast’s entire genome.

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Conundrums of coral constuction Harry Hornsby bathimpact Contributor

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The corals are marine invertebrates that belong in the phylum Cnidaria alongside other singing invertebrates such as the jellyfish.

One of the defining characteristics of this phylum are the many cnidocytes that cover their bodies. These act like harpoons, which they use to catch passing prey and ward off the unwary diver. These animals are capable of constructing large calcium carbonate structures as complex as any building we might design, creating reefs which are hot beds of biological diversity and beauty. Whilst corals possess stinging cnidocytes, most, such as

Jim Maragos

s a species, we have an innate fascination with the ocean. We use it as a food resource and send great fleets of ships to harvest fish, leaving bubbling, frothy wakes in their path.

Hordes of us flock to the sea come the summer, cramming into tower blocks and jealously guarding every inch of our sun beds on the beach. It’s not just our species that jostles for position in the water: the oceans are one of the most diverse and intricate ecosystems on our planet. Indeed it is so diverse

that we estimate that there are between a few hundred thousand to greater than ten million species still to be discovered! However, I wish to write about a group of species which is peripherally more familiar than many of these denizens of the deep, but in reality is much stranger and alien than many realise. These species would not be out of place in a science fiction movie: a group of animals that are renowned builders, that are landlords at the mercy of their tenants and that give us one of our best indications as to the state of our environment. They are the corals.

the brain corals and the pillar corals, do not get their energy through predation; instead they enter into a deal with the devil. Deep within their cells, microscopic tenants called zooxanthellae (although many an angry biologist will insist I use the term Symbiodinium) slave away, converting sunlight into usable energy via photosynthesis. These organisms are from a separate phylum - the dinoflagellates - and they gain shelter and the necessary products for them to perform photosynthesis - carbon dioxide and oxygen. In exchange, some of the energy they produced is taken up by the coral like a landlord collecting rent. However, this analogy can only take us so far thanks to the corals’ overdependence on their minute tenants.

Without the zooxanthellae within their cells the corals will most likely die, turn white and lose their colour. They are doomed to become sprawling abandoned cities of intricate marble statues, homes only to algae and a few lingering fish. Some corals may survive, but these are the unfamiliar deepwater corals such as the octocorals and the bubble-gum corals, who never agreed to the symbiotic relationship with zooxanthellae.

But what causes zooxanthellae to abandon their hosts and strike out on their own? We know that these fussy tenants are extremely

sensitive to environmental fluctuations and if conditions in their coral homes aren’t up to scratch, they leave and abandon the coral to its fate. There are several causes of this, although the main factors are fluctuating temperatures, salinity, sea levels and overfishing.

Unfortunately, anthropogenic disturbances are making all of these much more common: overfishing leads to increased plankton loads in the oceans which in turn reduces the oxygen content; climate change leads to variable temperatures and increased sea levels. In addition climate change is also associated with El Niño events, gigantic storms that ravage the pacific coast and destroy vast swaths of corals, either breaking them off or causing them to bleach.

Corals are a sensitive barometer of environmental change; they are highly sensitive and serve as a measure of how we are effecting our own environment. The fossil record is clear, as temperature goes up, so does coral bleaching events. Worryingly, this is what we are seeing today as previously pristine corals reefs are transformed into barren monuments to better times. This is a warning, climate change, environmental change and overfishing is happening and we’re responsible. Shall we let the fate of the corals be our own, or will we learn from the world around us?

Professor Science - Camouflage

Your resident science columnist this year has been Lisa Buddrus Many flora and fauna disguise themselves to gain an edge - how does camouflage work?

– Emily

The art of not being detected is found everywhere around us, using a plethora of techniques. It is practised in nature by predators, prey and plants. It finds many applications in human life too, most importantly (probably) in the military and of course the coming up Easter egg hunt.

There are various ways to camouflage yourself or an object, using a combination of materials, coloration or illumination. To hide from preying eyes is known as crypsis. Some animal’s colours and patterns allow the organism to resemble the environment and blend in. Tree-dwelling parakeets, for example, are mainly green blending in with the leaves in the tree tops.

Camouflage is influenced by natural selection and evolves over time. The best known example for colour change driven by a changing environment is the peppered moth. Originally pale in colour to match the pale colour of their

favourite resting place - birch tree trunks, many moths started to show industrial melanism during the industrial revolution between 1860 and 1940. As the smoke started to blacken the tree trunks, the moths changed colour to match their surroundings. Pale moths are easily spotted on dark trees and thus eaten before they have a chance to reproduce. The darker moths had a better chance of survival and passed on the genes for a darker coloration to their offspring, causing a change in the population over time.

Some animals are able to actively change their skin colour and pattern to match their surroundings, using special chromatophore cells.

These cells each contain a pigment of only one colour. In the skin of an octopus the chromatophore is surrounded by nerve and muscle cells.

The pigment grains are contained in a small elastic vesicle. Stretching of the vesicle changes its opacity and is controlled by the brain. By controlling chromatophores of different colours, the squid is able to rapidly change its skin pattern and colour.

Most methods of crypsis require cryptic behaviour to be most efficient and work best when motionless or mimicking motion common in the surrounding environment.

In the ocean, the leafy sea dragon sways mimetically like the seaweeds amongst which it rests in the

currents.

Another way to go about undetected is to blend in by disguising yourself as something else, also known as mimesis. Body shapes can make an animal or a plant appear to be some other object common in the surroundings. Some animals decorate themselves with materials commonly found in their surroundings. The aptly named decorator crab for example covers itself with seaweed and stones to blend in.

It may seem counterintuitive, but bold colours that seem to stand out can also provide excellent camouflage. High-contrast markings disrupt the tell-tale outline and features, such as eyes, of an animal or object. Disruptive contrast is found widely amongst predators and prey animals, including leopards and zebras, but also very common in military usage. In 2005 a research group led by Innes Cuthill and Martin Stevens at the University of Bristol put the idea to the test using paper moths. If the fake moths had black markings on the edge of their pale wings, birds were less likely to attack them, than those with uniform colours or central markings.

They also found that people often underestimated the speed at which an object moves if it was coloured in a dazzling pattern, such as zigzag. Thus, conspicuous markings may help a fleeing zebra elude a

lion in pursuit.

So, don’t be surprised when brightly coloured Easter eggs are a lot harder to find than you thought.

Even if they cannot run away, camouflage may allow them to remain hidden amongst the patches of spring flowers. Happy Easter!

Poppy Peake

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ear Professor Science,

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Business

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Small businesses in need of investment Vishala Ramswami bathimpact Contributor oogle began as a start-up housed in a California garage. TESCO traces its origins back to a grocery stand in East London. Many of the world’s largest corporations rose from extremely humble beginnings, but the importance and potential of small-scale enterprise remains largely unacknowledged. Defined as companies that employ less than 50 people, small businesses are fundamental to the British economy. They con-

niche, but should make up the core of economic policy. These companies are the growth engine of the economy, as research shows, driving the creation of new jobs and GDP growth. They have a disproportionately positive impact on the economy” says Julie Meyer, CEO of investment firm Ariadne Capital.

Speaking to the Federation of Small Businesses recently, Ed Miliband, Leader of the Labour Party said “Since the turn of the century, the number of people working for themselves has increased by over

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stitute a staggering 99 per cent of the total enterprises in the UK and provide employment for more than half the workforce. In 2013, the combined turnover of small businesses in the UK alone was £1,600 billion.

Small businesses contribute to the vitality of the economy and they are an important source of growth and experimentation. Research has shown that small enterprises tend to be more innovative, agile and adaptive than larger, well-established firms. “SME activity isn’t

one million. Small businesses are now the bedrock of our economy.”

Miliband then promised banking and energy reforms to remove the obstacles that stand in the way of the expansion and growth of small businesses.

Miliband pointed out the success of schemes such as the USA’s Small Business Investment Company Programme which has provided the venture capital for iconic companies, including Apple and Intel, and admitted that the UK was lacking a similar financial model targeted towards small enterprises. With a recent survey of small businesses in the UK finding that only one-tenth of businesses were able to secure the funding that they desired, and that most businesses were focussed on survival rather than growth, the development of an alternative source of funding for small businesses does seem essential.

Data from the British Chamber of Commerce corroborates these findings, with lack of access to lending from banks being reported as the greatest challenge facing small businesses in the UK. Professor Mark Hart from Aston Business School, an expert on small and medium enterprises, feels that further initiatives to finance youth entrepreneurship are particularly necessary. “There are a high number of young people who want to set-up

businesses, but there is a huge gap between their aspirations and the actual setting up of a business. If you’re 18 and you have a business idea but your family doesn’t have a legacy of business ownership it’s difficult for you to articulate to a bank that you should get the money you need” he explains.

In the absence of bank support, the disruptive forces of the internet could provide viable alternatives for small companies. One such alternative is crowd funding, which involves drawing on a large group of investors for financial support via online platforms. Annual crowd funding expenditure reached £300 billion in 2013, and continues to grow rapidly. Business growth remains the most nascent sector of crow funding, but the introduction of platforms such as GrowthFunders, which is dedicated to ‘bringing together serious investors and ambitious entrepreneurs’ promises to change this.

However, crowd-funding is extremely unlikely to replace traditional source of finance in the near future. A serious reconsideration of business lending is needed to ensure that British entrepreneurship and innovation continue to flourish, and to encourage smallbusiness owners to focus on growing and creating jobs, as opposed to merely surviving.

rate of mutual attraction. In doing so, he narrows down roughly how many people you are compatible with. Then you substitute in the ‘x’ factors: humour, beliefs, interests and so on. The more ‘x’ factors you have, the fewer ‘ones’ you have.

I never believed in destiny, but I have always believed in facts. And the facts add up to this: we do have a destiny, one which we blindly fol-

low down whichever path it takes us. But it is a destiny which is malleable. One which if we actively attempt to alter can change us for the better or for worse.

Economics is ultimately all about destiny. We can leave things as they are or step in to fix. Whether we like it or not, society is dictated by it and we can chose to let it help us or break us.

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EconomicsDestiny of Even multinational business such as Tesco have humble origins as street market vegetable stalls

of the opportunity to invest in vital public services. If economics assesses facts and patterns, it would not be an exaggeration to say your average Burkinabé will live and die in poverty.

But economics is not only prognostic. If economic destiny does exist, it is also something that can be manipulated to produce more pleasing results. Since the year 2000, the aforementioned inevitability of poverty has been curtailed through a series of revolution poverty reduction schemes. The number of people living on under $1.25 is less than half of what it was in the 1990s, whilst the percentage of those living in ‘inhospitable’ slums has plummeted by 40 per cent.

Critics claim that the Millennium Development Goals have not gone far enough, yet they have demonstrated that the inevitability of poverty is a myth.

Statistics can also help us calculate the chances of finding the ‘one’; the most passionate form of destiny. Mathematician Joe Hanson tries to answer the ultimate question: in a world of seven billion humans, is it really reasonable to expect to find your soul mate?

Hanson adopts Fermi and Drake’s paradox, a sum originally used to

assess whether we are alone in this universe. By making the assumption that a sum used to find company in an expansive universe can similarly be used to find the very same here on Earth, he gets a little bit closer to solving the idea of destiny in love.

Hanson explores our ‘target population’, desired gender, the ratio of single people, and the average

Andreas Praefcke

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omeone very close to me once asked me whether I believe in some kind of destiny.

At the time it felt like an ominous question, the existential type that my fact-based brain tends to avoid.

I avoided it for a while, giving the kind of answer which would please anyone. For a number of days after, I realised that the question was distracting me. I have always avoided God, death and other unanswerable things, but the thought that perhaps destiny could be wrapped in some kind of truth remained prominent in my head.

Destiny is a fickle word, one that is bandied around freely. For the sake of this article, however, we can say that destiny means that, due to a number of predetermined factors, you have little say in the life you chose to lead.

In development, the idea of structural poverty has been popular since 1950s. The gist is that if you are born into extreme poverty it is unlikely you will ever leave it.

It is, for want of a better word, an entrenched poverty you are bound to live through. Exploitation from the North is evident as companies dodge their responsibilities to pay their employees a progressive wage or avoid taxes, stripping the state

The ancient Greeks believed that the three Moirai, or Fates, were responsible for dealing out destiny

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Pedro Gomes bathimpact Photograpy Editor ectures are almost over, and another academic year is about to end. Freshers are still struggling to accept the fact that it’s been already nine months since they have

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overcome freshers’ flu, and now they are about to go on placements or start their second year - where exams count towards their degrees, and will start to comprehend the real struggle of getting to lectures in the morning from town; relying on the infamous buses to get up to campus. That’s right, the fun is over, although you can still keep your sanity for just a bit over the summer.

Bath city is going to be your new home next year, and look how beautiful it is. Stunning and full of history, this limestone wonder was granted the city status by Queen Elizabeth I in 1590. It was part of the county Avon from when it was created in 1974 until 1996 - when it was abolished, and then became part of Bath and North East Somerset.

Dates and history aside, what is Bath really about? It is not just the home of your great university campus; while many of you may be used to huge cities or quieter towns, you will find in Bath a great balance between its dynamic environment and old, yet conserved Georgian architecture. From the high street shops to the eighteenth century pubs, you will enjoy exploring through the pleasant streets of this city to the sound of street musicians on those, although rare, sunny and warm weekends. Undoubtedly, some of you will get lost on the first nights out, as your usual walk home won’t be staggering to the next 18/U18 bus stop anymore, but in time you will have found your

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Photography by Pedro Gomes

way around Bath and you will start enjoying it for what it is.  For those interested in the process involved for the photo taken above, it can be easily be described as a composite of two HDR (high dynamic range) photos taken at late afternoon close to the golden hour (usually around 5pm) and another one late at night when the Bath Abbey lights were finally up.

I had envisioned this photo before hand, as one day I walked down Widcombe Hill and saw how the city laid out perfectly from the point of view of this open field just a few meters down from Claverton Down. I knew it would make a perfect landscape photograph.

Although I knew I wouldn’t be the first, I tried to picture what it would look like at night as it is possible to see three important points of the city: the Abbey, St. John church and Southgate. Contrasting these times of the day would bring out the city colours and liveliness but this would require time and patience, so I kept an eye on the weather forecast and on a cloudless Saturday, I gathered my camera gear and tripod and set up for a 4 hour wait as my camera would have to stand still for the two photos to merge seamlessly.

After a lot of time and effort, the envisioned picture was made possible with cautious post-processing and colour correction when merging the two photos to obtain the final result. Anything that is passion driven has no limits.

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Gay marriage act comes into force Marral Shamshiri documents the first same sex marriages in Britain incredibly moving with its mood lifting celebrations, perfectly symbolising the elation that has come with this new legislation.

Britain now joins the slowly increasing number of 17 countries allowing same-sex couples to marry. The Netherlands was the first country to legalise same-sex marriage in 2000, amending the main article in its marriage act. Legally, the issue in England and Wales has been somewhat complicated in this respect. The Marriage Act of 1949, the primary marriage statute, states no impediment to the marriage of same-sex couples; instead a more recent creation of illegalising samesex marriage by definition in 1971 did.

The Nullity of Marriage Act 1971, for the first time in British common law explicitly defined marriage as being between a male and female, effectively outlawing same-sex marriage. The notion of marriage has historically been an assumed contracted union between a man and woman, religiously rooted in Christendom with a patriarchal and heterosexist nature, as is offered by feminist and other critiques of the institution. Consequently, some campaigners are now pushing for straight couples’ rights to civil partnership.

Civil partnerships were granted in the UK in 2005 to allow samesex couples the same rights as civil

marriage. Yet significant differences between the two forms of union exist, namely, particular financial and pension rights, travel restrictions, no requirement for civil partners to take vows, forced outing (to state being in a civil partnership would reveal a gay or lesbian sexuality), and perhaps most crucially the cultural aspect; the differences in social weight and emotional resonance held in the language of ‘partnership’ and ‘marriage’.

While the change in British law is important for recognising equality

steal votes from the left and the right alike is looking like less of an assertion and more of a likelihood. UKIP’s success is derived from its status as the sole offering of staunch anti-EU sentiment in British politics, a surprising fact since the European question has long plagued British politics.

Long producing rhetoric and policy that has earned Britain a reputation in Europe as ‘the awkward partner’, the British political estab-

lishment is still grappling with the problem of integrating the romantic image of the Great Britain of yesteryear with the ever closer Union. With a majoritarian electoral system, as with others of such nature, there is an inclination for parties to orient to the middle of the political spectrum in a bid to appeal to the widest demographic. This homogenises policy, stagnates debate and the ‘race to the middle’ allows single issue parties like

in marriage, an astonishing statistic being circulated is that in 41 out of 53 Commonwealth states, homosexuality is outlawed. In most of the world, restrictions of freedom, imprisonment and the death penalty are common. In Europe, less than half of the countries recognise some form of same-sex union, with much of Southern and Eastern Europe holding constitutional limitations for civil unions let alone same-sex marriage.

Evidently, while LGBT people still face discrimination in many

ways, we are lucky to have such equal provisions in the UK, sending a powerful message to younger generations to love and marry who they so wish regardless of sexuality. Paving the way toward a more inclusive and tolerant global society, Britain is in a great position to shine as an example to Europe and the world on pertinent issues of social equality. Individual attitudes might still require changing, but such an institutional victory is, without a doubt, a massive step forward in the right direction.

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his weekend marked a triumphant chapter in history as the very first same-sex marriages took place across England and Wales. The legalisation of same-sex marriage under the Marriage (Same-Sex Couples) Act 2013 came into effect on Saturday 29th March 2014, exultantly ending the lengthy campaign against the unequal legal distinction between straight and gay marriage.

The move was first introduced in 2011 by the Coalition government which planned to introduce samesex marriage before the next general election in 2015; a matter which caused much contention among the majority of David Cameron’s Conservative Party. Following a number of stages and readings, the Marriage (Same-Sex Couples) Bill was accepted in July 2013 and came into force on 13th March. Since the law requires couples to wait a minimum of 16 days after giving notice to a local register office, Saturday 29th hosted hundreds of the first same-sex marriage ceremonies in the country.

Channel 4 televised the marriage of Benjamin Till and Nathan Taylor in a typically extravagant fashion; staging the wedding as a musical.

Our Gay Wedding: The Musical was narrated by Stephen Fry, with a special appearance by Jon Snow and music by The Feeling. The eccentric and powerful display was

European electioneering efforts Adam Fazackerley and Benjamin Butcher bathimpact Contributors

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Euro Realist Newsletter

Chatham House

he rise to prominence of the UK Independence Party has reached new heights of late.

With polling after the first Clegg vs Farage debate revealing 57 per cent of listeners preferred the UKIP leader’s arguments and 68 per cent in the second, the expectation that the next general election will witness UKIP

UKIP to capitalise.

As a result of the inadequate representation that established political parties provide in regard to the European question, the relevance and profile of UKIP has risen as the European elections loom in May and their credibility as a political party is maximised despite a complete lack of coherent political policy.

Proportional representation offers an alternative model to this status quo; although often producing coalition government, it liberates political parties to campaign on a diverse range of issues. Provision of a wide array of electoral options enables a more representative government and facilitates a fertile environment for national debate. As the debates have revealed this is something the BritishEuropean question sorely needs.

Nigel Farage and UKIP are a symptom of the political system in which they operate; they offer a legitimate point of view in that an element of British society questions whether the European Union is right for them.

But UKIP discredit themselves by using populist rhetoric, made up statistics and inflated immigration fears that offers centre parties a foothold to dismiss as scare mongering.

Nick Clegg’s presence in the debate is a sign of desperation of the floundering Liberal Democrat party. As the third party in a two party system trying to compete over the heavily

contended centre ground, the historically progressive and mild-mannered line began to show cracks. With distinctively conservative undertones appearing in references to policy that curbs the benefits available European immigrants, Clegg displayed how being in government has the Liberal Democrats bent out of shape and grasping for political capital.

The absence of coherent facts and floundering opinion during the debates demonstrates how complicated the European conversation is.

Both Clegg and Farage proved that the question was not as simple as in or out as they squabbled over the methodology of reports and bias in statistical analysis. Neither Clegg nor Farage could fully convince the public of the merits of their arguments and saw both resorting to desperate pleas of emotion, be it over Syria or the ‘democratic deficit’.

This holds darker implications for the proposed referendum on EU membership; without a healthy debate it makes it difficult for the public to obtain accurate information and make an informed decision. The complexity and nuances associated with the European debate are what we elect politicians to understand and make decisions on, but a referendum is an abdication of responsibility and runs the risk of deteriorating into a vote based on prejudice and false impressions.

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Kim’s hair-raising cultural control Daniel Robinson bathimpact Contributor

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petersnoopy

ere in the West we are constantly fed news about the Democratic People’s Republic Korea (the DPRK), also known more commonly as North Korea, with stories ranging from the weird to the worrisome.

On more than one occasion the line between these two factors has

been blurred, particularly in relation to the recent rumour that students are now required to get Kim Jong-un’s infamous haircut.

Whilst amusing to a great number of people around the world, this state-mandated style tip is typical of the cultural control that has plagued North Korea. This has resulted in the cult of personality and subsequent deification of the

Kim Jong-un, exemplifying the soon to be ubiquitous hairstyle

country’s founder Kim Il-sung and his descendants who have ruled the country as a familial dictatorship since 1948. This intense personality cult, which demands undying loyalty, continues under his grandson, Kim Jong-un , the supreme leader of North Korea.

Most recently, the story of statemandated haircuts have exhibited the perceivably absurd cultural control the party claims over the people. Previously the party has required that hair must adhere to the 28 styles set out by the party. These, they claim, are the most comfortable hairstyles, effective for warding off the corrupting influence of capitalism.

Moreover, they claim that long hair can have a detrimental impact on intelligence development by robbing the brain of energy. Whilst this is not the gravest of issues relating to the country, the limitation on self-expression evidently runs throughout North Korean society to varying degrees.

The party’s influence and the cult of personality course through the veins of North Korea, consolidating the position of the young dictator by installing him with a sense of omnipotence. His grandfather, known as Korea’s ‘sun’, ruled the country in a similar manner, claiming to be able to control the weather. Continuing on from this

supernatural theme Kim Jong-Un was claimed to be ‘born of heaven’ and the state media even claimed in late 2012 that archaeologists had found a lair belonging to the unicorn that was once ridden by Tongmyong, the ancient founder of Korea.

The party’s cultural control permeates all elements of life in North Korea, with schools being home to politicised education and farcical depictions of American and Japanese troops often used as target practice for young children. Revolutionary language has been incorporated into everyday vocabulary and there is an abundance of propaganda depicting the heroism and stature of the idolised leaders. All of this is done to indoctrinate the people, for the purpose of instilling the people with a revolutionary anticapitalist zeal that pays particular homage to their resident dictator.

The extensive list of methods by which the North Korean ruler controls his country serves as a way for the young leader to consolidate his position as supreme leader. Cultural control and Kim Jong-un’s recent testing of nuclear weapons exhibits his blatant attempts to secure his power by creating strong nationalistic sentiments, ensuring the obedience of his people.

However, one must not make the simple assumption that the people

are merely brainwashed drones.

This cultural control which seeks to violate the freedom of thought is also enforced through fear.

Those who hold alternative beliefs are seen as a threat to this cult of personality thereby becoming the regime’s main targets. Such was the case with Kim Jong-un’s uncle who in January 2014 was executed along with his family, in order to purge the threat they posed to the cult of personality. Other people are commonly placed in prison camps, which hold an estimated 10,000 enemies of the regime and are subject to abuses such as starvation, execution and forced abortion. Dissidents’ families are also threatened to ensure obedience.

These methods of control persevere due to the isolationist nature of North Korea. With little external influence many genuinely praise the country’s founder Kim Il-sung and his descendants. The regime has since politicised and manipulated this, creating a cult of personality to generate support, regardless of mass famine, widespread poverty and a catalogue of human rights violations. More permeable borders would provide the rest of the world with a valuable insight into Kim’s cultural control and incentivise the people to act with the support of the international community, freeing hearts, minds and hair.

cused of ‘embarrassing the government’ and ‘attempting to revive the LTTE’ which the state claims is attempting to reform in the north of the country. Many others are still being detained for similar accusations.

The Sri Lankan government, however, has continued to deny these allegations, with President Mahinda Rajapaksa claiming that

“this resolution only hurts our reconciliation efforts”. The country’s ambassador to the UN argued that it infringed Sri Lanka’s sovereignty.

The inquiry will also look into the atrocities led by the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE), including the use of civilians as human shields, child soldiers, and the killing of families who tried to flee.

As of yet, not a single person has

been held accountable for the war crimes committed during the brutal conflict in Sri Lanka. Some human rights groups have argued that this resolution does not go far enough, as Sri Lanka is yet to be referred to the International Criminal Court in the Hague. Regardless, an international probe into these atrocities will be one step closer towards justice for the victims of this war.

Ramiye Thavabalasingam bathimpact Contributor

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he United Nations Human Rights Council has approved a US-led resolution on the alleged war crimes committed by the Sri Lankan government during the country’s 26-year civil war.

The resolution, which passed by 23 votes to 12, is the UN’s first substantial step towards an international probe into the final stages of the civil war, as it demands a ‘comprehensive investigation into alleged serious violations and abuses of human rights and related crimes by both parties in Sri Lanka.’

David Cameron has hailed the resolution as “a victory for the people of Sri Lanka” adding that this outcome “has been triggered by the failure of the Sri Lankan government to stand by its promises to credibly and independently investigate alleged violations on both sides during the war”.

However, significant members of the council voted against the resolution, including Russia, China and Pakistan. The latter requested to delay even considering this resolution due a lack of funding for the investigation, though this proposal was rejected. India’s abstention, however, surprised many, as the country has usually supported resolutions enquiring into the Sri Lankan civil war in the past. India’s ambassador has described the resolution as ‘intrusive’, and suggested that it could hinder reconciliation

efforts .

An estimated 40,000 Tamil civilians may have been killed during the final months of the conflict, according a report compiled by the UN. Most of these deaths are believed to be caused by government forces, with recent reports documenting the abduction, torture and sexual abuse of suspected Tamil Tigers supporters by members of the Sri Lankan army. The government continues to blame rebel forces for these horrors, though Tamil activists argue that the Sri Lankan military has systematically covered up evidence of its war crimes.

Despite the various investigations held by the Sri Lankan government over these violations of international law, “none have had the independence to be effective or inspire confidence among victims and witnesses” Navi Pillay, High Commissioner for Human Rights, has said.

The inquiry will also look into human rights abuses in Sri Lanka since the end of the war in 2009.

A week prior to the vote on 27th March, two protesters were detained by the state under the Prevention of Terrorism Act. Ruki Fernando and Praveen Mahesan were interrogated for two days, during which they were asked about their contacts in Geneva. Though they were eventually released after international outcry, they remain prohibited from speaking to the media. Mr Fernando is now ac-

Basil D Soufi

UN resolution on Sri Lanka inquiry

The United Nations is taking steps towards an inquiry into human rights abuses in Sri Lanka

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Flagging up identity conundrums O

looking further back, in Kosovo mean that this objective can only be considered a partial success; nevertheless, the European Coal and Steel Community, followed by the European Economic Community and finally the European Union have successfully prevented military action between member states for the past 54 years.

Given that the overriding theme of Britain’s history of the past 2000 has been the exchange of aggression and invasions with mainland European powers, from the Romans to the French, the achievement of peace on the continent should not be underestimated. The award of a Nobel Peace Prize to the European Union in 2012 was not just a gimmick, but a recognition that some genuine progress has been made in this regard.

Fast-forwarding to the present, we see a lot of discomfort on the part of the British electorate regarding the phenomenon of ever-closer political union in Europe. The criticism advanced by Eurosceptics is that this isn’t what Britain signed up for and represents a move towards a federalist super-state like the United States.

The problem for Europhiles is that this is, in many respects, fair comment; there are both closet and open federalists in the European Parliament, Commission and increasingly in supposedly apolitical institutions such as the Central Bank. However, the prevailing ideology amongst Eu-

ropean leaders seems to still be one of liberal intergovernmentalism: an exchange of mutually agreeable policies by member states. The increasing use of qualified majority voting has begun to undermine this approach somewhat, but there are still two safeguards on this. The first is that ‘European’ officials in the Parliament and Commission, whether appointed or elected, are nominated by national governments and parties, giving them ultimate control over the process. The second is that qualified majority voting is not used in the most important policy areas, including foreign, taxation and security

state’s pursuit of a nuclear program and public scrutiny completely neglected the other face of Iran, that of political repression and exploitation.

Twelve years have passed since then and still Iran does not have a nuclear program. Despite this, mainstream media has remained unyielding and has chosen to stay ignorant of the human rights violations and honour killings that occur within the state.

As Mr Bush put in 2002, for families within Iran, “the price of this indifference is catastrophic”.

A recent campaign by the Iran Human Rights Documentation Center (IHRDC), fittingly dubbed ‘Unlock Iran’, reports that currently

800 prisoners of rights are serving sentences in Iran. These prisoners include: political activists, students, journalists, politicians, scientists, actors, artists, community leaders, and teachers. They are educated individuals who subscribe to Western values and as a result criticise Iranian theocracy. It is this exact point of view which has led to their imprisonment. Out of the many cases, those which are particularly worrying include that of Bahareh Hedayat, a feminist who was imprisoned for protesting against laws which discriminate against women; that of Saeed Abedini who’s currently serving an 8 year sentence in Rajee Shahr

policy. Indeed, when the system has been used the British government of the day has used its high vote share and alliances to largely ensure the outcomes it wants, sometimes using European mechanisms as a convenient mechanism to pass domestically unpopular policy; as an example, I would suggest looking at which governments have been pushing European environment policy, widely criticised by Eurosceptics.

Looking to the future as promised, the European Union presents a number of opportunities for Britain to selfishly make an absolute killing.

As a result of membership, newer

member states have industrialised rapidly and are soon going to be urgent need of services and technology which Britain could provide. Even if UKIP is correct and membership of the European Union costs Britain £28 million a day, the potential payoff is huge. I would argue that we should see subscriptions paid now as an investment whose return we will reap in time, thanks to the benefits of access to the Single Market and being able to influence the development of others economies. In short, there is a better case to be made for Europe, if national level politicians are willing to break ranks and admit it.

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Tom Ash Features Editor n page 14 you can read Adam Fazackerley and Ben Butcher’s prognosis of the debates between Nigel Farage and Nick Clegg on Britain’s membership of the European Union. By their account and according to most pundits, Nigel Farage came off better from the encounter: a view that I have to agree with.

As a pro-unionist, I felt remarkably let down by the arguments presented

by Nick Clegg as to why we should stay in. In contrast to his adversary, who presented a forward-looking vision of an ‘independent’ Britain, the Liberal Democrat leader opted instead for a strategy of apologism in relation to the mainstream political parties’ record on Europe, as well his own party’s record in government.

There was little to no mention of the wider historical reasons for staying in the European Union, the reality of the current political situation or the future profits that membership and investment could bring for Britain.

With this in mind, as a shameless Europhile I’d like to present an alternative case for Europe.

One of the founding principles of European integration was to prevent war ever breaking out on the continent again by linking members’ economic interests to such an extent that conflict would become mutual suicide. Recent events in Crimea and,

Human rights and justice in Iran Jac Heanen bathimpact Contributor

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Υπουργείο Εξωτερικών

n 29th January 2002, months after the 9/11 attacks, George Bush proclaimed in the State of the Union address that “Iran aggressively pursues these [nuclear] weapons and exports terror, while an unelected few repress the Iranian peoples hope for freedom”. It was therefore reasoned that Iran constituted part of the ‘axis of evil’.

At the time Mr Bush’s controversial choices of words were met with broad agreement: Iran was a problem. Understandably, the general consensus focussed upon the

Hassan Rouhani has opened up dialogue with the West, but Iran’s domestic policy still needs reform

prison on account of his Christian faith; and that of Hossein Ronaghi Maleki who is being held in solitary confinement for his questioning of Iran’s censorship laws. In each case, Iranian legal authorities have attempted to protect themselves from blame in a farcical fashion, dressing their prisoners as enemies of the state and viable for appropriate punishment. Now totalitarianism is a bold statement but these cases are certainly symptomatic of a totalitarian state – Iran’s miscarriage of justice has made it quite clear that it will not tolerate political dissent.

A common misconception is that under the new Prime Minister Rouhani, Iran has undertaken a path to reform. In many ways this is true: Rouhani has put forward a brave, forward looking economic policy that attempts to address a more equitable distribution of national wealth and economic growth. Such a policy is devoid of covert political motivations. However, as Shirin Ebadi, a Nobel peace prize winner points out, his domestic policy has been in many ways a failure. Under Rouhani’s premiership the number of executions has actually increased, and so far this year 40 known executions have taken place. This evidence assures stakeholders that Rouhani has no intention on staying true to create a ‘civil rights charter’. In short, Rouhani will not be pioneering Iran’s rights revolution.

Thankfully, the UN Human Rights Council has finally acknowl-

edged these violations in Geneva.

Some progress has resulted, such as last September when President Rouhani was commended by the UN for releasing 80 political prisoners.

But by acknowledging Iran’s problem and promising action, the UN may escalate the problem. The Iranian Republic greatly fears a “velvet coup”: that by democratising, they will begin to secularise and undermine their regime. Just recently, the human rights council approved an extension of Iran’s special rapporteur, Ahmed Shaheed, with a 21-9 vote. This elicited an aggressive response from Iranian Ambassador, Mohsen Naziri Asl. Indeed Mr Shaheed has proven to be a sharp thorn in the side of Iran, with Iranian officials dismissing his continued reports on human rights violations as a “collection of baseless claims”.

President Rouhani has managed to give off an image of reformism, and so many in the West are turning a blind eye, believing Iran is in safe hands and not recognising that the continued human rights violations are as equally reprehensible as its purported pursuit of a nuclear weapons programme. Despite the UN Human Rights Council indicating in its annual report last November that the human rights situation in Iran required ‘new focus’, again the West choose to remain ignorant. Human rights remain a key issue in Iran: it is neither getting better nor is it solved, and the West should act upon this injustice.

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LiteratureSoc Begins Curtain Call I

arrived at Bath and was dismayed to find that there wasn’t a literature society, so with the help of a group of friends met mainly through her course and BUST, she formed a committee and submitted the society for affiliation.

We were delighted to hear that we recently succeeded in affiliation, and are excited to share the society with the rest of the University.

By enhancing your degree with participation in an array of

societies you can expect to leave university a well-rounded person. People experience the arts in a variety of ways; some do photography and some act, and literature is one of the best ways to experience some of the most beautiful works in this world.

So join the Group on Facebook or, better yet, pop along to a workshop or a social and get to know the committee and members - you’ll be a book worm before you know it.

NapoleonSarony

Nick West bathimpact Contributor t’s amazing to think that the University of Bath has gone as long as it has without a literature society, but until Monday 31st March LitSoc had been an unofficial student group for book enthusiasts. However, as of that date, LitSoc has become a fully fledged society, affiliated with the SU with all the benefits and responsibilities that entails.

So what is LitSoc? LitSoc or, to give it its full and unofficial name, Bath University Literature Society, was founded to provide a society for book lovers from the mightiest bookworm to the person who reads one novel a year.

Every Wednesday they run a workshop on some aspect of literature, such as a genre or author, along with regular book themed socials such as screenings of adaptations of well-known stories and trips to Moles (get better soon, dear) where everyone is dressed as their favourite book character. A number of exciting new workshops and socials are in the works, so whatever genre you’re interested in there will be something for you.

A Literature Society has long been notable by its absence - Bath has a rich literary heritage, hosting a literature festival annually.

It’s long been remarked that the University of Bath, as a Science University without an English department, has largely missed out on this aspect of Bath’s history and so Annayah Prosser, the current chair, sought to change that.

Earlier this academic year, she

Bethan Rees bathimpact Contributor Last weekend the curtains closed on the final performance of the year for The Bath University Student Musicals Society (BUSMS) with Encore, an all-singing-all-dancing compilation of musical theatre hits.

Following the success of their main show Anything Goes earlier in the semester, Encore continued to showcase some of the truly impressive theatrical talents that Bath students have to offer. The show opened with its first big chorus number, ‘Opening Night’ from The Producers. Thankfully, the main refrain of “It’s the worst show in town” did not prove to be a warning of things to come, and there was a huge variety of entertainment to come from the world of musical theatre and beyond.

High-energy chorus numbers gave us zombies, edgy bohemians, singing cowboys and exuberant 1920s party-goers. ‘Thriller’ was atmospherically staged and convincingly performed by the cast, and we saw some ambitious choreography attempted by the male cast members in ‘Brotherhood of Man’, which was good fun to watch. The strength of some of the male singers was particularly impressive, with some of the stand-out performances coming from ‘Red and Black’ from Les Misérables and ‘This is the Moment’ from Jekyll and Hyde.

We also got to enjoy some more tender moments. ‘Love me as I am’ was touchingly delivered and beautifully harmonised, and despite some unfortunate hitches with the microphone, ‘Serious’ from Legally Blonde: The Musical had some great comic

moments and strong vocals. The same can be said for ‘Sort of Fairy Tale’, a less well-known song from the musical Ordinary Days which seemed to be very popular with the audience, and was well-acted, understated and endearing.

With construction work underway and the Arts Barn unavailable for performances, the cast did well to cope with the space constraints in University Hall. Despite a few congestion issues after the more extravagant numbers as the cast formed an orderly queue to leave the stage, the show was generally very slick thanks to the great support from Backstage.

Encore was also another reminder that the end of the academic year is in sight, and another touching moment came with the ‘Leavers Song’, where finalists took their final bow and bid farewell to their beloved BUSMS. As they danced off stage with the melody of ‘We’ll Always Be Together’ from Grease filling the room, it was clear that their involvement has been a truly enjoyable and valuable experience, and one that they will dearly miss.

It seems that this year has been strong for BUSMS, with plenty of singing, acting and dancing talent on show, as well as a many members proving to be very capable behind the scenes, as evidenced by the effective directing and choreographing team. I have no doubt BUSMS will go from strength to strength, and we can look forward to some more fantastic performances next year. Congratulations to everyone involved!

A final farewell to the concert season Peter Newton bathimpact Contributor n Saturday 5th of April, the University Chamber Choir gave their final concert of the year in Bath Abbey, performing a wide range of pieces from this year’s extensive repertoire including five bold and uplifting spirituals arranged by Michael Tippett, Brahms, Pärt, Purcell and Herbert Howell’s beautifully haunting Requiem. A culmination of months of hard work, the event was a resounding success with a great turn out and featuring choral singing of the highest standard, with solos from Heather Kirk, Grace Wishart, Catherine White, Gabrielle Monnington, Natalie Jones, Ben Oddy, Andy Hakes, and Will Pope.

The performance concludes what has been a particularly busy year for the choir. Highlights included being invited to sing in front of Prince Edward for the new chancellor’s installation ceremony in November (bringing them into the national news!), two successful workshop days in Wells and the University Carol Service at Christmas.

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The choir has also done a lot for the community, singing Christmas carols for the patients at Dorothy House Hospice and at St John’s Hospital chapel as well as their annual Christmas Concert in Norton St Philip, where all proceeds from ticket sales went to charity. As a result they are nominated for this year’s ‘outstanding contribution to the community’ award at the Activities Awards next week where they will be giving a short performance alongside the university’s exceptional a capella group Aquapella.

The choir community has also flourished on a social level this year, with a huge number of social events from meals out to ‘curry-oke’ nights, which have seen keen attendance from its members and there are even plans for a choir weekend away in the pipeline for early October next semester.

If this sounds like a society that you would be interested in joining please visit their bathstudent page (www.bathstudent.com/socs/societies/ChamberChoir) and look out for them on parade during Freshers’ Week 2014 for more information.

ChamberChoir

Bath Uni Chamber Choir performs their final concert of the year

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Sport

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a faltering front line has cost them dearly. A tough Champions League tie against PSG and two points behind Liverpool, Mourinho will be hoping for a late revival.

Crystal Palace - A - Palace fans were expecting the worst after playoff success, and they got off to a poor start, but Tony Pulis was a superb appointment who has turned their season around. Edging closer to survival with each game, a solid defence needs more attacking threat to repeat the feat next season.

Everton - A* - With the loss of a manager and a key player, Everton could easily have slipped off the pace, but Roberto Martinez made some fantastic signings and has propelled the Toffees into a Champions League chase. The challenge now will be to replace his vital loanees, particularly Romelu Lukaku.

Fulham - E - A nightmare season for Fulham, who are now on their third manager in one season.

A poor quality squad compiled by Martin Jol and not improved since means that they look destined to relegation. Not what their new owner planned for, the club will have to rebuild next year.

Hull City - A - Earning promotion on the last day of last season, Hull will be pleased with their season. A run to the FA Cup semifinals, and maybe further, accompanied by a safe season in the Premiership, they have slipped down the standings as of late, but survival was the aim which they have gone above and beyond.

Liverpool - A* - The success story of the season, few expected Liverpool to comfortably have a top four place this season, hardly anyone would have predicted they’d be title favourites with six games to go.

Fuelled by Suarez and Sturridge, the

form of Gerrard and Henderson has been vital, Rodgers has done a great job this season, scoring for fun, but the defence needs improvements.

Manchester City - A - League Cup success, but Pellegrini will be hoping for Premier League success as well, with games in hand being the only reason they haven’t been top for longer. City have struggled without Aguero, but will have plenty of consolation in their neighbours plight. Champions League success remains a distant dream.

Manchester United - U - United’s season could not have gone much worse. Their solid performance against Bayern and recovery against Olympiacos are the two only highlights at Old Trafford this season as Moyes has struggled. Fellaini and Mata have failed to live up to expectations. A rebuild of the squad looks likely next season, Newcastle United - C - A decent start, with very few summer signings, Newcastle have never looked like challenging for Europe. Too little firepower at the front end has cost them dear, while Alan Pardew’s antics have provided distractions on the touchline. Strikers needed this summer.

Norwich City - D - Despite bringing in three quality strikers this summer, the Canaries have struggled for goals and find themselves scrapping for survival. Relegation would be a disaster for the club, but the blame must lie with Ricky van Wolfswinkel and his massively disappointing form, though some of Chris Houghton’s tactics have been questionable.

Southampton - A - Controversy in the boardroom has been forgotten due to a fantastic performance on the pitch this season. Adam Lallana, Luke Shaw and Jay Rodriguez

Luis Suarez has been the main reason for Liverpool’s success in particular have gone from relative any hopes of a second consecutive unknowns to England stars. Maybe European campaign next year. too far from Europe, they will hope Tottenham Hotspur - D - Gato push on further under Pochettino reth Bale’s absence and some poor next season. replacements have been badly felt.

Stoke City - B - After Tony Pulis’ AVB took responsibility, but things sacking, Stoke fans were fearing for haven’t improved under the eccenthe future, but Mark Hughes has tric Tim Sherwood. Soldado’s form provided stability. Another club has typified a poor season for Spurs. with an unspectacular season, but A Europa League place is a must.

Stoke will take that and hope for West Bromwich Albion - E - 5 more progress next season, particu- wins all season, and only one unlarly as Hughes builds his own team. der Pepe Mel show just how poor Sunderland - D - Di Canio’s West Brom have been this season. summer signings and early season Relegation looks likely, with Anelka start have cost Sunderland dear. dragging the clubs name through Gus Poyet has not improved things the mud in the process. A massive massively, with the Black Cats still disappointment for WBA after finalodds on to go down. An impres- ly staying in the Premiership for a sive League Cup run provided some few years after a decade of yo-yoing. consolation, but they need goals to West Ham - C - Hammers fans survive. haven’t been happy with Big Sam’s Swansea - D - The last few sea- style of play this season, but it’s sons have been stable for Swansea, done the trick, as it seems to have but since their League Cup win, guaranteed safety for them. They Michael Laudrup found wins hard will hope for an improvement next to come by, and his rows with the season, when Andy Carroll will board didn’t help. They have been prove vital when fully fit for a whole disappointing this season, killing off season.

Toby Jagmohan

Sam Leveridge impactsport Contributor his season has undoubtedly been one of the most exciting the Premiership era has ever seen, with just a handful of points separating teams at both ends of the table, but how have the teams done? In school report style, we can see who will be pleased with how their season has gone and who has had a disappointing campaign.

Arsenal - B - A bright start, but as expected, the Gunners faded as injuries set in and Olivier Giroud lost his early season form. Wenger will feel that reinforcements are needed for next season, though few will be able to complain too much if Arsenal can cling on to fourth place and are successful in their FA Cup run to win their first trophy in 9 years.

Aston Villa - B - There isn’t too much to say about Villa, sitting in twelfth place at the time of writing.

Nothing spectacular yet nothing too worrying as they have steered clear of dropping into the relegation scrap. It may have been a boring season of midtable mediocrity, but after recent relegation fights that isn’t a bad thing. Benteke’s poor form will be a cause of concern moving forward.

Cardiff City - C - Knocking on the door for many years, Cardiff finally won the long awaited promotion to the Premiership last season, but have not had the season they have dreamed for. Off the field controversies have distracted fans from only 6 wins all season. Expectations were low, but fans would have hoped for better.

Chelsea - B - It will all come down to the title race. Mourinho would be expected to win trophies in his return to Stamford Bridge, particularly the Premier League, but

Dean Jones

Who shined and who was crap?

22

Monday 7th April 2014

bathimpact

Sport

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Will the mighty finally fall?

Keith Allison

Michael Powell impactsport Contributor

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Although managing to cling on to the top spot last year, is it now Tiger’s time to fall behind? terrible starts to the 2014 seasons, the next four games. A couple of Woods on the other hand, is and their lofty rankings prove mis- victories suggested a slight return now plagued by injuries. In releading when recent performances to form, and ensured Taylor just cent years, he’s suffered Achilles, are analysed. avoided relegation at the half-way neck and leg problems, leading to Taylor first ran into bad form stage. However, any chance of fin- a rebuilding of his golf swing unwhen attempting to defend his lat- ishing in the top four and qualify- der new coach Sean Foley. But it is est world title in December. In a ing for the end of season finals still believed that these swing changes match he was 1-50 to win, ‘the Pow- seems highly unrealistic. have been the major contributor to er’ suffered a shock second round Taylor’s miserable performances the current back issues the world defeat to youngster Michael Smith. this season were then compound- number one faces. The back probThings haven’t improved too much ed at the UK Open in the start of lems started in the autumn, but in since then, either. A 7-0 whitewash March when he was the victim of his four tournaments so far this at the hands of new world num- the biggest shock in the tourna- year, Woods has only completed 72 ber one Michael Van Gerwen on ment’s history as factory worker holes on two occasions following the opening night on the Premier Aden Kirk, ranked world number a withdrawal at the Honda ClasLeague season was embarrassing, 137 and making his television de- sic. His best finish this year is 25th and three more defeats followed in but, beat him 9–7. and aside from his scandal-induced absence in 2009, this has been the worst start to a season in his entire career.

Woods has pulled out of this week’s Masters after having back surgery, the first time he’ll miss the event in 19 years. His stated desire has always been to overtake Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 Major Championships, but he is without victory in such an event since the 2008.

With each passing season, the task gets harder, increasing the pressure and strain on Woods’ mind and body. This week’s absence means number 15 will continue to elude him, and the aim of 18 remains a distant dream.

Writing off sporting greats is usually a dangerous move, with their desire and talent always likely to shine through adversity. With huge slumps in form and ageing bodies, however, it appears that Taylor and Woods are both on the wane. Many youngsters are now finding themselves at the upper echelons of the two sports, and intent on staying there, not worrying about whether Taylor and Woods will still be around. Michael Van Gerwen and Rory Mcilroy have already won major titles and are incredibly exciting prospects.

So maybe 2014 is the year to enjoy the legacies Phil Taylor and Tiger Woods have provided us with, and look forward to the next chapters in these two sports, with a slightly younger cast providing the drama.

Phil Taylor Promotions

or the past 20 years, Phil Taylor and Tiger Woods have been near untouchables in the respective worlds of darts and golf.

Both have had incredible success, winning numerous titles and collecting vast amounts of prize money that most of us can only dream of. Taylor is unquestionably the greatest darts player to ever have lived, with 16 World Championships in addition to 50 other major victories spanning a 23year period. Woods is the greatest golfer of our generation, and possibly ever, with 79 PGA tour victories and 14 major championships.

Both have raised standards in their sports with hours spent practising, and Woods’ brutal fitness training regimes changing the way golf is played.

But could 2014 signal the beginning of the end for these two sporting greats? For two people still currently world number 2 and 1 that might sound like a bizarre question. But dig a little deeper, and there appear to be serious underlying issues.

To start with, neither are getting any younger. Whilst darts and golf may be seen as two sports where age creates less of a barrier, sport is now decided by such fine margins, that the natural slowing down of the body and mind will only have detrimental effects on performances. Both men have had

Morton’s Mumbles & Moans So, here is it: my very last issue as the sports editor for bathimpact.

I feel like I’ve had a good run, but I may be wrong. Don’t tell me, I need my feelings spared due to the fact I have to bid farewell to my baby. It’s been a good run, and although I can say I’ve enjoyed it, I’ve still not managed to keep up with any sport sufficiently well to have any kind of authority on any of them.

Although, I have sourced immense fun from reading a great deal of the articles whilst editing them, so it’s not a total loss.

I was frankly surprised at how interesting sports can be, and I realised it’s definitely a terrible thing being as lazy as I am, and how much I miss out on.

Well, anyway, I’ll certainly be more up for it now than I was before. Again, I look back at my friends from home saying to me how they couldn’t believe I was the editor of the sport section of the student newspaper.

Well, I still am inept in sports knowledge, but hopefully a few of the things I picked up along the way may serve me in future pub quizzes, or something along those lines.

Anyway, shall I talk about some sport this week?

I suppose I should, but it’s not exactly my strong suit, and if you’ve read my column this whole time, you may have caught on to this fact, my admission of my pitiful lack of sports know-how may not shock you too much.

But, that’s the way it goes, I suppose. Hopefully my little jaunt here as the sports guy will entice me into trying to keep an eye on sport a little more, I mean I am at least aware of the teams that play football this year, as well as being aware that the six nations happened at all.

So, I guess now I’ll just reminisce all of the sport related times I had in order to try and ingratiate myself into this role that was tailor-made for someone who isn’t me. Watching football matches, gambling, going to pubs to watch games and such and such.

I downloaded the BBC Sport app for my phone, to pretend to myself I was with it, and even followed a slate of twitter accounts to do with sport (Saints Fan Club was doubtlessly the most shameful, I have no idea about them, really.)

All was a bit silly if I think about it, but in the end, it was worth it.

Well, era ends, an underknowledgeable editor fades away, and the show goes on.

Thanks for reading!

Monday 7th April 2014

bathimpact

23

Sport

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Bath fencing foils the other teams

Tom Ash, on Bath Fencing club and its great achievements

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good run as a team, finishing top of Tier One and making it to the quarter finals of the BUCS Championship. As a club, however, our provision of training left something to be desired; most of the team fencers (including myself) had to train with a local club and Pentathlon GB for sparring and coaching. A couple of the team fencers started coaching at the university club in order to try and instil a better training ethic: training to get better, rather than just messing around with swords.

Being somewhat optimistically overconfident, I ran for chair of the club at the end of my first year, thinking that I knew how to make the club better. In some ways I did: we had more money that year; we set up a training exchange with the local club so that our team could access one of their club nights for free (and vice versa); we reinstated the women’s team and picked up more BUCS points between them and the men than we had for several years.

The one key thing that happened, though, was that the attitude towards training started to change amongst casual and competitive fencers alike.

In other ways, I could have done my job as chair a lot better: I subscribed initially to the ‘want something done right, do it yourself’ philosophy and thus didn’t delegate to my committee properly or as much as I should have done, which probably meant we missed a good opportunity to develop the club.

I also didn’t manage to tackle the problem of the cyclical nature of the

Bath Fencing has grown well over the last few years, and hopefully will continue to excel in time team’s success; because experience cle, I believe, and it’s this: When it above several sports supported from an early age is such a huge ad- you have a good cohort turn up as by a departmental program. Build vantage in fencing, a team’s results we have had this year, then take the a structure with financial support in a given year are largely depend- opportunity to build a programme and coaching around the current ent on how many national circuit around them. This requires invest- crop, and I can guarantee that a fencers turn up in September (and ment beyond what the club can cur- consistent stream of fencers will be how many they retain from previ- rently afford (the coaching budget drawn to it: success breeds success. ous years). barely covers beginners’ sessions To finish on a positive note, I’m Sad to say, it is simply not possi- at the moment) but the rewards optimistic about next year. The ble to train someone from beginner in terms of BUCS points and rep- team stand a good chance to make to premier league standard in the resentative honours is potentially a name for themselves in the Prethree years they are at university. huge. miership and, if the Sports DepartAs a result, when the men’s team Just with the fencers we had this ment take note, it could be the start class of 2011-12 went on placement/ year we have racked up a league of something great. Also, out of all graduated, and no one arrived to fill and a cup title as well as individual the titles we’ve won this season, I’ve their shoes, the team’s results suf- silver, making men’s firsts the 5th just gotten wind of the best one; affered dramatically. highest BUCS point-scoring sin- ter months of waiting, we’re finally There is a way to break the cy- gle team in the University, putting #teamoftheweek.

Simon Rushton impactsport Contributor o Formula One is back with a bang - although it’s not, it’s back with a quiet rumble of a V6 engine, and the unreliability of complex forms of electrical energy recovery. Added to this there are numerous changes that have been made to the aerodynamics of the car, which limit the grip available to the drivers. All of these changes provide the potential for a very interesting season ahead.

So what about the racing? The

two races this year have been dominated by the Mercedes team with both Nico Rosberg and Lewis Hamilton taking comfortable race wins, even after switching their engines to lower power settings to conserve their life very early on. Rosberg, who finished in second in Malaysia, was at times not very far in front of Sebastian Vettel, in third, but it transpired that he was just driving to the pace of the Red Bull, a further sign of confidence in the team.

Looking down the field, I hate to break it to you, but the second fast-

est car does seem to be the Red Bull.

Despite taking no points in Australia, Vettel took a fairly comfortable third place in Malaysia. It was clear from his team radio and post-race podium interview, however, that he knew that his car was a long way off the pace. To couple Vettel’s misery, in Daniel Ricciardo it seems that they have found a driver with raw pace, who is also not afraid to challenge the sport’s current number one driver. He has been unlucky in the two races, being let down by the team twice.

Bath Fencing

’m hot, sweaty and tired, my feet and hands ache and my quads are just starting to feel the lactic acid burn as the DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) kicks in. I know what you’re thinking – yes, I should probably go to the gym more often. But, despite the pain and the possible whiplash thanks to taking an épée guard to the face, I couldn’t be happier. The men’s fencing team have just beaten Bristol and guaranteed promotion to the Premier League, after more than half a decade out of it.

My happiness is of course tinged with sadness: this was my final ever match for the University of Bath fencing team. Not just my last as captain, but my last full stop, as I will be graduating this year and so will not be accompanying the team into the Premier South matches next year. I’m going to take this opportunity therefore to reflect on the previous four years since I started and how far I think we have come.

In October 2010 I joined the University and the fencing club, having already taken up the sport seven years previously. In the relatively daunting (for Fresher-me) social environment of Bath, the club provided a valuable arena of integration into student life; I already knew some of the fencers here from the circuit (I’d shared a personal coach with one of them for five years), and club members judged new arrivals on their blade-in-hand ability rather than some mysterious code of initiations and international drinking rules. That year we had a

S

FOWC

Formula 1’s off to a blaring start In Australia, after taking his first podium finish, he was disqualified as his fuel flow was, according to the FIA’s sensors, too high. Now Red Bull dispute this and claim that their data was more accurate, but the simple fact is that they and other teams were warned by the FIA that they would get disqualified if they didn’t adhere to the sensor’s results. They perhaps took the risk because, had Ricciardo’s fuel flow been reduced, then maybe that second place would have been a 3rd or 4th, still both of which are better than a DQ. Then, in Malaysia, he fell foul to a botched pit stop and was then further penalised for an unsafe release, ruining any chances of a fourth place finish.

Moving further down the pit lane, it seems that McLaren have greatly improved since last year, not that that says much. However, despite a leading the constructors’ championship after Australia, they seemed once again off the pace of the front runners in Malaysia. Fortunately, the young Kevin Magnussen seems to be a very good signing for the team and looks set to push Jenson Button all the way this season. I think a few more podiums will be possible this year, but with-

out major updates, a race win does seem unlikely.

Elsewhere, Williams have had a resurgence, and have already eclipsed their points total of last year, and hopefully for the team, with a bit of luck, a podium finish this season won’t be out of the question.

Ferrari it seems are in a similar situation to McLaren, with a pace slightly faster than that of the midfield, but not one that could challenge for a win. Alonso demonstrated this by finishing both races in a comfortable fourth. Raikkonen, who was unlucky to be hit in Malaysia, did not seem to be happy in the car in Australia, citing problems with the brake by wire system. He will want to rectify his deficit to Alonso as soon as possible as, otherwise it could be a very difficult season ahead as Ferrari will have to soon back one driver over the other, if they are to stand any chance of winning the drivers’ championship.

So after the first two races it seems that Red Bull’s recent dominance of the sport is over, however the Mercedes’ out right pace means that it is likely that the racing for the win will only be between Hamilton and Rosberg for the time being.

impactsport Monday 7th April 2014

Bath Fencing’s ups and downs, page 23

Exert yourself for charity

Emily Hogge, on the Zoe Trust Challenge 2014

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Page 21 has the full story

All the champions are bound to fall eventually

Tri team, along with help from the student body, plan to raise £4000 for Zoe’s trust next week idea is for each individual to set from 7pm April 15th until 7pm Challenge 2014” on facebook, and themselves a challenge which will April 16th. In order to reach South sign up via the google doc! contribute to the overall goal. The Africa, we need all the help we can You can also sponsor us at challenge can be anything from get! So if you are interested in get- uk.virginmoneygiving.com/team/ a 1 kilometre run or a 500 metre ting involved, then message Emily BUCC and help us reach our funHogge (emily@zoetrust.org) or draising target! swim to a half iron man!

The challenge will take place find the event “Zoe Trust Charity See you there!

Martial arts club together Poppy Peake, womens’ captain, on jigsaw mats competition style set ups that will undoubtedly improve competition preparation which will hopefully be reflected in performance at competitions such as BUCS.

The support from the Alumni fund has not only provided the University’s martial arts groups with some much needed equipment but has sparked some very successful

collaboration and has brought the clubs committees and members closer together, something that will hopefully continue over the next few years.

impactsport Contributor Michael Powell talks about the titans, Tiger Woods and Phil Taylor, and if they’re bound to fall, Turn to page 22 to read it all

Why columnists should watch sport impactsport Editor Connor McGregor Morton takes a look at his year as sports editor, and his pitiful attempts to learn sport, Turn to page 22 for more

Trials and tribulations of fencing at Bath impactsport Contributor Tom Ash talks about his time at the Fencing club at Bath, and his time there whilst at uni, page 23 has the full article

Formula 1 is off, and the changes are showing bathimpact Former editor Simon Rushton talks about the first few races the season, and assesses the hopes of a few key drivers, page 23 has the full story

Get involved

Bath Uni Martial Arts

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ormally sports clubs are in constant competition against each other, attempting to best each other in competition performance, aiming to have the most and the best members and often over training space.

However, over the past year, there has been one sporting collaboration that has been extremely successful, and this has been between the University’s martial arts groups.

In the beginning of Semester one in 2013 Karate, Kickboxing, Jui Jitsu, Taekwondo, Judo and Boxing all came together to put forward an Alumni fund bid for 144 jigsaw mats which are integral to bare-foot sports. Yuvika Rampal, chair of the Karate club, David Mlynski, chair of Kickboxing and Justinas Slekys, chair of Taekwondo headed the application for £2,729, which was approved by the Alumni Fund last December.

This bid has enabled the six sports clubs, with collectively over 600 members, to purchase the mats for shared use and will be an enormous benefit for all of the members, allowing them to train in higher quality conditions and enabling

Which teams performed and who failed? impactsport Contributor Sam Leveridge looks at how the premier league has gone so far this year, and analyses each team,

Bath Uni Triathlon Club

ancy a challenge? Swim (340km), Run (2100km) and cycle (8000km) from Bath to Ingwavuma!

Over the past two years, the University of Bath triathlon club have taken on sporting challenges to raise money for The Zoe Trust (www.zoetrust.org), a charity that focuses on aiding impoverished children in poor African countries to attain an education.

You may have already seen the athletes outside the library, or running around campus in orange and red t-shirts. So far, the club has raised over £4000 to help give young children living in poverty in South Africa a brighter future through education.

This year the challenge is even bigger, and the whole student body is invited to join in! The challenge is to swim 340 kilometres, run a massive 2100 kilometres, and cycle a ridiculous 8000 kilometres, from Bath to Ingwavuma, South Africa in just 24 hours! The challenge will take place on the university campus using the STV swimming pool, the campus grounds and turbo trainers on parade. The

Inside impactsport

The martial arts clubs rallied together to get the equipment they needed to improve their clubs

If you are interested in sport and want to contribute, then contact impactsport Editor Connor McGregor Morton (impactsport@bath.ac.uk) to find out more details about how you can get involved.

We’re always looking for writers, photographers, people to take part, or just all round sports buffs to help out. So, if you have a story you want to share, don’t be afraid to get in touch!

docentjoyce

bite

Deception

2

Monday 7th April 2014

bite Just some pictures of times gone by, promoting bathimpact on parade.

I would put something culturally relevant in - but you don’t read do you?

Deception The Used, ‘Imaginary Enemy’ Album of the biweek

What’s more surprising?

That The Used are still a band, or that the new record is pretty great?

Not many people would have betted on them having this kind of staying power when they led the emo revival with MCR n the early 2000s. This isn’t In Love And Death, but it is a sign of how far The Used have come, and that they can still make pioneering music.

Google plays pokémon Game of the biweek

Ever since I watched Gary Oak speed away in his convertible to the adulations of Pallet Town’s cheerleading squad, I wanted to become a Pokémon master. This Tuesday (April Fools), Google built up and then immediately crushed my dream. The video promised augmented reality duels, mano a Pokémano. Instead all I got was a glorified where’s Wally using Google Maps as the page.

Worst April Fools ever.

The old Slug - 10/10

This week, I intended to write in defence of the slug; this has proved difficult. Slugs have the audacity to slime their way across my kitchen floor and in the process make it look like the staging ground for some kind of sick intergalactic orgy. Do they offer to clean up the mess? Like hell they do! You can also find them in at no. 2 of my ‘Top 3 Things I Don’t Want to Step On’ (right between a used syringe and a stray bit of Lego). Every aspect of a slug’s existence makes me feel ill. I hate them all.

impact-bite@bath.ac.uk

Joe Rawlinson

Mollusc of the biweek

ight. My final editorial. I can’t say that I ever start my editorials with a plan, or that I start writing them more than four hours before we send the paper to print. Well I could say that. But it wouldn’t be true. I’m not surprised that you’re bored, but because of the erratic nature of my writing ‘style’ it usually gets better with time, with intoxication and stopping reading, cutting off your own head and burning everything that I’ve ever written/ seen.

So, this week’s theme is all about deception. I told my contributors to go forth and write; now we usually use a theme as a guideline, we had a previous issue which was dedicated to how SHIT themes are, so don’t worry, we’ve covered that. Just in case you missed it, the general idea was: themes are a bit tacky, but they help people on a creative journey. I sent my contributors their separate ways telling each of them a ‘false’ theme – this was supposed to be a clever way of rounding off the year and expressing how diverse bite can be, and at the same time expressing how vulnerable my writers are to deception. For more information on this see the back page for a list of their home addresses, worst fears and physical weaknesses. The main problem was, that my writers just went ahead and did their own thing anyway. So no one is talking about deception but me. Tom Ash, features editor and one of the most talented writers around has written the lead article on ‘fulfilment’.

This is the hardest editorial I’ll ever have to write. This is harder than eating a pizza without mayonnaise. Or eating mayonnaise without any other food. The reason for this is: I have run out of things to say. In the past not be-

ing an editor was EASY, someone would plead with me for my ‘valued’ contribution to a last minute edition of impact. I’d always be happy throw together some shit about music, or art or culture or whatever the hell would be troubling/exciting me that day or week. This was something I did in the sunshine, maybe whilst having a beer and now, well it’s a lot different. I was deceiving myself to think that I was a good writer. I think I am talented when it comes to amusing people or even writing in a slightly engaging way (so I’ve been told). That aside, I never really had the right kind of content to my pieces, they would always be self-reflective, just like

every topic I ever expore. I come to the root of all problems, and its population, geography or more importantly the seemingly cruel and instinctive nature of ‘man’ that leads back to all the problems. I’ve come to the end of my degree at a loss, so for the future, there’s only one thing for it – to go all in and devote my life to writing about this shit, and really try to make a contribution… or in a Hobbesian fashion, ascribe all the woes to our state of nature, give in and go to the pub. I guess my point is: writing has helped me explore all these things outside of my mind. Like a lot of people, writing has become a way of externalising thought processes.

This is aided even further when using computers, Manuel Castells would be happy to hear that I feel a real connection a computer when I’m typing something this heartfelt or serious. Something I could only achieve with a pen if I perhaps, somehow inserted it into myself. I can’t begin to explain to you the value that this experience as a section editor for bathimpact has been. It’s been four years, of varying relationships, love affairs, deep friendships, hardships, challenges and in most parts. Fun. This ‘thing’, student media, which is but isn’t an activity or society… which is integrated but completely isolated – passes by most at Bath, more so they let it. They are idiots, here I have made friends for life and more importantly it has grounded me. I’ll never write a word for this newspaper again – it’s the end and it’s a beginning and the rest is up to me. Excuse me, I’ve had four pints. A fitting epitaph. opensourceway

R

This week’s theme is:

this is, because, thought I didn’t realise until this year, writing has becomes a way for me to explore myself. When I actually had a topic, I could write in depth about something and reflect on it and not realise what I was enjoying about it, what I was getting from it aside from researching a particular topic. I feel like I’ve come to the end of a very important and juvenile period in what can possibly be described as “an empty quasi-philosophical exploration”.

The more engaged I became in my politics degree the more I realised I like writing about something that has a question at the heart of it, that actually meant something.

This at the same time frustrated the fuck out of me, because there was no answer. This consumes

Monday 7th April 2014

bite

The fulfilment of vomiting on tits

3

Bailey Weaver

facebook.com/bathimpact

This isn’t anything specifically to do with the article. it just seemed to embody the tone of the piece, somewhat. The darkness representing confusion and green, well, green.

written by Tom ‘Tash’ Ash

W

hat is the meaning of life?

The Hitcherhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy claims it is 42. In this very moment, sat at my computer screen and desperately trying to avoid writing this article, I will raise Douglas Adams a higher figure: 2048.

You would be entitled to wonder why I would pick such a large number compared to Adams’ (unless you assume that I’m compensating for something); the reason is simply that I’ve been playing the 2048 game. For those of you as yet uninitiated into its infuriating mysteries (Google it), the object of the game is deceptively simple: pair off adjacent tiles with the same number on them in a 4x4 grid until you reach 2048, at which point you win. You could describe it as a thinking man’s Candy Crush if you were so inclined.

Unfortunately, spatial awareness has never been my forte and this unrelenting motherlover of a game has now been driving me to distraction for the past week. I’ve had to watch with envy as others around me complete the challenge and move on with their lives, while I remain perpetually stuck on tile 1024. I know that true fulfilment awaits me if I can just get those last sodding numbers to add up, as everyone else under the sun seems to have done.

As you might have already deduced, this is rapidly turning into an ill-concealed metaphor for life as a whole. But allow me this point – the

impulses behind both my 2048 obsession and the rat race are one and the same. At some point you, like me, you have probably looked around at friends and family achieving things and felt the desperate pressure to succeed; to lead the happy and fulfilled life that everyone else seems to enjoy. So off we scurry in search of fulfilment, in the hope that by finding it we will discover what it actually means.

But where to look? It’s a question which has puzzled us all. At Bath, sport is one of the avenues down which many of us will charge in our pursuit; there’s a lot to be said for the endorphin-fuelled reward physical endeavour and the sense of belonging to a group (winning is nice as well). Indeed, Wednesdays can provide much in the way of fulfilment, even for those who lose their games or don’t participate in sport at all; many an intrepid young lady or gentleman’s quest for romance has been achieved in the bedchamber of a compliant Woodlander after Score. Meanwhile, the more studious or artistic members of this, our fellowship of fulfilment, might point to academic achievement or student society participation as viable methods of getting their fix.

Speaking of academic achievement – or lack thereof – my graduation is taking place this summer, subject to markers’ strikes and taking enough time away from bathimpact

to pass my degree. One of the obligatory phases of graduating, or so I am led to believe, is looking back over one’s university career and heaving a sigh of nostalgia. It is a surprisingly cathartic process which elicits diverse emotional responses, not least among which is regret: whether it be for assessments failed, for opportunities not seized, or for cleavages vomited on. I should clarify that not all of these regrets are personal ones – I’ve never failed an assessment – but nevertheless, I can claim my fair share.

However, according to the National Student Survey (loudly publicised by the University) students at Bath are 94 per cent satisfied with their experience. Does this mean we should only be six per cent dissatisfied? Based on a completely unscientific straw poll of my friends, I would say we are far more displeased with our time in higher education than that. Perhaps this apparent disparity between the statistics and reality can be put down to the fact that the NSS really measures students’ sense of fulfilment and equates it to satisfaction; I would argue that they are not the same thing. It is perfectly possible to look back on one’s experience at university and feel a sense of fulfilment, whilst remaining dissatisfied with various elements of campus life: the cold showers in Eastwood, the lectures cancelled due to strikes, the lack of contact hours, the chronic

failure to get off with the hottie from two floors below you in first year. The list is infinite.

But despite the regrets and the dissatisfaction, we look back on our time at university with a feeling of pride in what we have achieved: making newspapers, doing well at sports, getting elected in uncontested elections. The list is, once again, infinite.

This makes me feel that fulfilment is something which we actually define for ourselves, or should do, rather than relying on other people’s exploits to inform our choice of what we ‘should’ be doing with our lives.

And so, as I bring this article to a close, along with my game of 2048, I can say I do feel fulfilled for having written it and for having completed the game. To be honest, wof the two endeavours I am probably more proud of beating the puzzle, because writing articles is something that I do every week (and as mentioned, mechanical reasoning is not my strong suit). But if this process of reflection has taught me anything, it is that the fulfilment I derive from writing and playing pointless internet games is something I should award to myself, rather than let other people define for me. So I’m happy I completed 2048. You probably think that’s sad.

Well then, fuck you.

4

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Festivals 2014 - A foreign perspective As summer approaches so do the adverts for summer festivals in the UK. Granted, as a foreigner to British festivals I am somewhat excited; however, I also feel that the weather will be rather shitty. You see, I am used to a Cypriot summer consisting of sun, sea and swimming – not one filled with wellies, wind and wet weather.

Still! There seem to be some pretty awesome festivals going on this summer – Leeds Festival, V Festival and Wireless.

V Festival -16-17th August- South Staffordshire and Chelmsford:

Leeds Festival – 22-24th August: Who you can expect:

Who you can expect:

Imagine Dragons Vampire Weekend Paramore Foster the people Artic Monkeys Disclosure Blink 182 Macklemore and Ryan Lewis Clean Bandit Queens of the Stoneage

Justin Timberlake Ed Sheeran The Killers Paolo Nutini Kodaline

Fun fact about Chelmsford

Billy Hicks

Slang in Leeds to help you fit in:

By ‘eck - bloody hell Ee bah gum, ecky thump - a phrase of exclamation (although not said as often as I’d like!)

Eh up love - Hello there dear Duck - Dear Wah ya dinghy - Oh you

Wireless : 4/5/6 July- London- Birmingham: Who you can expect: Iggy Azalea Drake Kanye West Bruno Mars Clean Bandit Ellie Goulding Foxes Pharrell Williams Robin Thicke Wilkinson

Sam Smith Rizzle Kicks Bastille Kaiser Chiefs Lily Allen

A small dreary South East English city in Essex that is surpringly Catholic. it has what the locals call a river!

The Chelmer, not a river as such more like a trickle of piss. It is a very clean town, however and the people couldn’t care less. Apparently when the British media is bored or has run out of xenophopic crap to say about France they normally turn on Essex which is all bullshit.

Bill Ebbesen

Now I don’t want to influence all of your decisions but if Pedro’s not heard of it – it’s probably not worth going to.

Festivals abroad

10 Do’s and Don’t’s of festivals

I then decided to look into other countries’ festivals for instance Portugal and Spain.

Portugal has some really amazing festivals going on this summer with brilliant acts: the top three were: Meo Sudoeste, Optimus Alive and Super Bock. According to Pedro, the weather in Portugal is like ‘an actual summer’ and will definitely include: hot sun, chilling, smoking, sunbathing and what appears to be general merriment.

Don’t be caught dead wearing anything with ‘YOLO’ printed on it.

Do drink water. (not too much in certain circumstances) Don’t take boring group photos.

Don’t take anything designer with you - you will regret it.

Pedro’s favourite festival was Meo Sudoeste 6-10th August: Who you can expect:

Spain naturally being amazing has Benicassim which is meant to be a seriously INCREDIBLE festival.

17-20th July Who you can expect:

Top drinks to try in Spain: Vino Rioja, Sangria, Tinto de Verano, Cava and of course, the sweet sweat of a steaming hot shirtless, muscular Spanish heartthrob.

Rforeman r

Benutze

Role

Alex de

Ralf

Tinie Tempah, Katy B Lily Allen Paulo Nutini Example Ellie Goulding

Vinch

DISCLAIMER: I’ve never been to a proper festival so it’s up to you whether or not you trust what I’m saying. ek

Basic phrases you’ll need to know if you go to a festival in Portugal:

desculpe – excuse me eu posso tomar uma cerveja, por favour – can i have a beer please caramba é Alesso – holy crap it’s Alesso FODA isso é incrível – F&*% this is incredible.

Do wear a hat that is in fact a stuffed octopus.

Don’t get muddy just to show you can get down.

Do avoid wearing animal masks - you’ll look like an idiot.

Don’t wear your bra as a top - it will end in disaster.

Do face paint yours and your friends’ faces for super fun bonding time.

Don’t wear lame cheap neon sunglasses.

Alejandro Molina B

Hardwell Martin Garrix John Newman Tom Odell Sebastian Ingrosso Alesso

tsch

Ian Wilson

Pedro Gomez’s thoughts on Birmingham:

‘Uhhh I’ve never been – I don’t literally know where it is’.

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Chon

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bite

Monday 7th April 2014

Hit the Deck - 19th April

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Yet another festival that will undoubtedly eat up your life savings and leave you disappointed

Interview with A Plastic Rose B bite’s Thomas Gane spoke to the band: Q: I thought I’d start with your new single, Someone’s Daughter, which has come out recently. It’s a very upbeat and raucous track compared to some of your previous work, was that a conscious decision in terms of artistic direction?

We’ve always had an issue with recordings where our fans have said the recordings are nothing on the live show, and we’ve always been a bit more raucous live and had a lot more energy. So I suppose that was a factor in working with Chris Coulter who we recorded Someone’s Daughter with and just finished recording the second album with. He came to see us live and we expressed that really wanted to get that energy across in the recordings. It was a bit of studio trickery, a different approach to click track and stuff like that, and we really feel that we’ve tried to get the live energy across on the new tracks.

Q: Having listened to the new track and your previous album, it’s very rock’n’roll and personally I heard similarities between you and the likes of Twin Atlantic and Biffy Clyro, are they the kind of bands you guys have been influenced by?

It’s funny, we had never heard of Twin Atlantic until we’d finished recording the first album, but when we did we thought “oh my God, these are totally contemporaries of ours”. It’s lovely to find a band that’s trying to do the same things, and they have the Scottishness where we have the Irishness which is nice in a kind of regional way. Then we were all big fans of Biffy Clyro growing up, and I don’t think we’ve ever consciously tried to sound like them, but we both come from a kind of song writing focused background and I think they’re the same. They’re a band that’s totally focused on song writing too which lends itself nicely to this kind of music.

Q: It’s nice you mentioned song writing because there’s a lot going on in your music, lots of layering and it feels like everyone’s contributing. What’s your song writing process like?

We have two main songwriters, Jerry and I (guitarists). We take not finished songs to the band and then it’s all built from there with all four people writing. We also do a lot of home recording, so a lot of the songs on the album might have been recorded three or four times before so we can throw different arrangements at them. That’s probably where the layering sort of thing comes from.

Q: You mentioned your new album earlier, what can you tell us about that?

We’ve just finished recording it and we’re taking a day off from our tour in April to do the last tweaks and

mastering, I imagine it’ll come out September time.

Someone’s Daughter and This Side of Winter are on it and they’re big clues to the direction that the band is heading. It’s very much a rock album, I think it’s closer to the Hit the Deck ethos and it puts us in a different niche which is exciting for us and we feel it’s closer to what we’re trying to do.

Q: If any of our readers are heading to Hit the Deck, what can they expect from the live show?

We’re really excited about Hit The Deck because it’s such a great line up. We’re going to try and feed off the energy of the festival and really try to put on a really intense live show. So you can expect that and lots of good craic.

Q: Are there any bands in particular you guys are looking forward to seeing?

We’re all massive Brand New fans. We played Reading and Leeds a few years ago and we caught Brand New on both days as we were on the same day as them and we’re really excited to see them again. They’re a band that constantly reinvents themselves and their live show constantly changes so we’re really excited to see them and see what they’re like. We’re also really looking forward to seeing Baby Godzilla who are from Nottingham, which is where we live now, and they put on a mental live show so we’re really hoping we get to see them.

Q: I was hoping you’d say Brand New because I have a pretty niche question next. On their American tour they’ve been playing the albums in full on rotation. If they were to do that at Hit the Deck, which album would you like to hear?

For me it’d have to be ‘The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me’. Brand New are one of those bands that started off as a pop punk or emo band, but have become more and more complex as time’s gone by.

I think that was a breakthrough album, both lyrically and the way the album gels together musically through recurring themes. I think it’s an amazing piece of work.

Q: And just to finish. Are there any big plans for the rest of the year you can tell us about and what are you listening to right now?

So far we’ve been booked for British Summer Time, headlined by Black Sabbath, so that’s going to be huge, and Great Escape Festival too. We’re still hearing back from a lot of festivals so there could be more but it’s just those two at the moment.

Personally I’m listening to the new Manchester Orchestra album. I’m a really big fan of them and they’re a band that surprises you with every album

ristol’s annual family punk rock day out returns this month as Hit the Deck festival hits the city (teehee, I did a pun) on the 19th of April. The line-up is absolutely killer and bite will be there with our cameras, notepads and unrelenting enthusiasm to catch up with some great bands and give you guys the lowdown on the day. If you aren’t going, sort that out; and if you are, here are our Top 5 bands for the day: The Front Bottoms – These guys win best name and will win your heart with their charming and innovative brand of indie punk.

Gnarwolves – Best punk band and best live band in the UK. Expect 45 minutes of sweat, screaming and stage divers.

Nai Harvest – Banging alternative/emo two piece who have just released an equally banging EP that you should all be listening to.

Brand New – You don’t need me to tell you to go and see Brand New. It’s fucking Brand New.

A Plastic Rose – Charged up rock and roll from Belfast who’ve just released their new single, Someone’s Daughter, which is an absolute belter. Expect big drums, big guitars and overall a pretty big time from these guys. If you need more convincing you can also check out an interview we had with Ian from the band, who’s a lovely guy with a lovely accent, right here and now!

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“Like a virgin, touched for the thirty-first time.”

A

t school, my best friend thought that the first line of A Thousand Trees by the Stereophonics was “Standing at the bus-stop with a shotgun in my hand”. That line would have been at least 500 per cent better, but for some reason I’ve never been able to forget about the moment he told me. Despite (because of?) the copious amounts of drugs I’d taken that day, I sat there in a trance, unable to speak, wanting to scream at him. It wouldn’t make any fucking sense in this context! Why the fuck would he have a fucking shotgun?!

I didn’t say anything. It sounds stupid, but I think that was the moment I realised that maybe lyrics from indie bands didn’t mean the same to others as they did to me. To me, they were everything, and that’s never changed. I was Will from Almost Famous; a young kid who couldn’t wait to listen to everything and know everything about every band ever. It was my religion. Soon, indie bands became grunge; later, grunge became ska (briefly!); eventually I settled somewhere in punk, but it’s not really about the music. It’s always been about the message.

It’s much easier when you’re sixteen. That moment when you realise that Kurt Cobain might be the only person that ever actually understood how you feel.

Maybe Andrew McMahon is the only guy on the planet who can eloquently put what you want to scream at that girl in your DT class who is actually definitely the love of your life and you’ll never know happiness until she knows your name. And you certainly don’t

Beardedman

written by Iwan Best understand why others can’t appreciate the perfection of Funeral For A Friend (actually, I still don’t).

It gets tougher when you’re older. You get cynical.

You realise that Kurt Cobain should probably have gotten a grip / laid off the smack occasionally. You find it hard to justify listening to Lostprophets anymore. You start to question the wisdom of the Gods you once put on pedestals and start to feel like you’ve seen it all before. I find that most of the bands I listen to right now are no older than me. How can you find inspiration in the music of someone younger than you? I love Dookie, but I can’t listen to it forever. Cue my early musical midlife crisis (a midlife crisis about music, not a musical about midlife crises).

Luckily, I’ve found the solution. Unfortunately, it’s in apathy. It doesn’t matter what the music means to the bands writing it. It only matters what it means to me. It’s okay to listen to Pierce The Veil and All Time Low, as long as it’s with headphones in, alone in my bedroom, under the duvet, with the door locked. If you look hard enough, you can still find the diamonds in the rough (ahem, Smith Street Band, playing Bristol April 15th). It doesn’t matter if I’m pretending, because I’m happy. Maybe my old best friend had it right; maybe Kelly Jones had a shotgun, as long as it made him happy to hear that. Actually, he ended up in prison, but anyway.

At the end of the day, everything is pointless, and fades away in time. So isn’t it pointlessness that The best lyricist of our time - not telling you who he is makes it sublime?

A picture speaks a thousand # Maria Elena

written by John Barlow

#hashtag, that’s is just SO hashtag, I totally hashtagged that hashtag last hashtag

T

he adage ‘a picture speaks a thousand words’ is used to show how one picture can perfectly sum up something that may require volumes of literary work to capture.

The whole works of Stephanie Meyer (creator of Twilight) for example could have been summed up if only a camera was present to capture a fresh pile of wonderfully perfumed, if slightly bloody lady excrement… personally I feel this would have stunned Steph so much with its brilliance she would have dropped the whole book thing on the spot. Unfortunately however modern art severely lacks the foresight to pre-emptively attack bad literature and so we are stuck with pictures being worth thousands of words yet words not being condensed into a picture… shame on you modern art, shame on you.

Despite the continual failures of modern art, for nigh on eons people have been muttering ‘a picture speaks a thousand words’, be it when they are explaining about an actual speaking picture with 1000 word memory, or when they see two people staring into each other’s eyes deeply in love.

Regardless of its use it has stood for something vague and metaphorical for its entire life; if you listen carefully you can here its soft, dramatic, semi philosophical echo etched into the very walls themselves. Or something like that.

It is odd then that in this humble

adage’s life time of helping young men seem wise beyond their years only now has society decided to call it on its pretentious bull shit. Flocks of young English and American citizens have had enough of pictures flaunting there 1000 word content with no clear attempt at referencing the words they obviously represent, and are painstaking reconstructing each picture hash tag at a time.

It is a cruel and painstaking job, allocating such words as, YOLO, face, smile, hair, BDSM and FML to pictures scattered around the internet, and it is one that many people claim to be both pointless and self-serving.

“Who really cares about describing a picture” objectors cry some even have the audacity to say that the adage should not be taken literally and that this “crusade against the unfounded claims by pieces of artwork” is completely ludicrous.

They miss the point entirely however, this craze of hash tagging is not merely a cry for public recognition or a petty attempt at self-validation, nor is it something to be ashamed of. It is a fundamental fight for objective, conservative values within our everyday connection with art via the medium of social media, and unless we fight this fight we may as well become mamby pamby liberal arts students, smoking the ganja, saying things like “yeah… man… but… that’s like… your opinion”.

Monday 7th April 2014

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t a h st

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Gay Marriage

pen p a h t ’ n did

3 .

Marriage is still functional amongst straight people, I’m glad to confirm. We’ve had numerous reports of people takThe Gays have been suffering their marriage back to the chaplaincy, comqueen isn’t a lesbiing with a very real problem plaining with faults that should be covered under an either, yet, I’m afraid. for the past few centuries - straight warranty, but as far as anyone’s been able to It’s been a long running fear marriage has been turning them straight. determine, marriages still function correctly. of the sort of respectable, pearlAs soon as a gay man discovers that they can leThose engaged in the old-model ‘straightclutching, middle-classses for whom gally marry a woman and enjoy those sweet, sweet marriage’ can still enjoy all the features humous is more important than Oxytax breaks then they of course decide to change of a lack-lustre love life, crushing ennui gen that the Queen would sudorientations and marry a woman. So, in fact, and the joy of sharing a life-time of denly be able to be lesbian legalising gay marriage won’t actually turn debt with someone who regrets commarried and would written by Nick West straight men and women gay but prevent mitting to spend the rest of their life decide to abandon gay men and women turning straight.

Philip in favour El- with you. If one wished to ‘upgrade’ The only people at risk of this dangerous len Page. So far to a gay marriage, then all one has force are already gay and we’ve had no no plans have to do is go back in time and ensure Since gay marreports of straights being caught in the been announced, that you are born and raised as a riage has been lecrossfire and turned gay, thank god. I’ve searched thoroughbred gay. but personally I’ve got my finhigh and low galised, only one man should have enough words for my laygers crossed for a July wedding. has married his dog out thingy. What do you think Ben? Is through media rePrince William, who would also and both are said to be this goood? Feel free to delete it be- ports surrounding by law have to get gay marFar from the middle-class-suburgay marriage and happy in the relationcause im just trying to be original but ried, would plan the most banite-house-mum’s fear that gay from the past few ship. Well, both their probably failing. Cheers. I’m out!!! fantastic wedding. marriage would lower property days but the numtails were suitably prices in her neighbourhood, reber of women who wagging.

Flooding may well be an search has showed the opposite efhave been turned into issue in future months. As has previously fect.

With gay men able to commit to pillars of salt has been been reported, the gays play an imporone another, more are choosing to purchase much lower than previously tant element in the water cycle. When gay homes and with a flair for interior decoratanticipated. Meteor showers too men make love, the hot and steamy maning rarely seen amongst men who love the V, have been well below 30 per cent on-man action released water vapour from houses prices are rising as once-dull and forof those expected and, so far at the sweat of the intensity. This then condenses lorn houses are equipped with breakfast least, general gay-based divine in the atmosphere to cause debilitating rains across nooks, tasteful shelving and enough punishment has failed to the continents. Due to the change in relationship dyscatter cushions to comfortameet projected forenamics in marriage, the amount of gay-sex is forecasted bly pad the whole of casts. to drop significantly which could actually cause a draught - and it Norfolk. should be noted that the amount of sunshine has increased significantly since the legalisation of gay marriage, so remember that while enjoying the summer sun - the gays are currently in the process of causing an enormous draught so they can work on their tans. Filthy homos.

5.

7

t

g n hi

6.

1.

4.

2 .

7.

this is not an actual comprehensive guide how to use tinder, I am relatively new to this, and never meant for it to get this far. I’m also nowhere near ruthless enough, which is probably why I keep getting myself into such bizarre situations; I just want everyone to be happy, including that guy I swiped right when drunk and then didn’t have the heart to block and who is now my facebook friend and keeps messaging me every five minutes and liking photos from my distant past. It’s probably fine.

Making genuine friends This was something I didn’t expect. I guess it goes to show that even people on a hook-up app are people too. Some people use the anonymity as a way to fabricate a super awesome version of themselves that is unfortunately not the reality, and others use it to throw caution to the wind and just be themselves, unafraid of the consequences as it’s so easy to walk away. The second option can lead to some pretty hilarious situations, just don’t drunk dial your tinder matches. Or do, but prepare to wake up and be moderately horrified the next day.

Meeting the strangers

when you meet people off tinder. Okay, so maybe you’re pretty certain that the profile they’re using is linked to a facebook profile, but how difficult is it to falsify one of those? All of the promo posts for really great sunglasses deals on society pages say not very, AND HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED CATFISH?!

Anyway, I have many friends who have met multiple tinder matches of varying compatibility in the real world, however my experience only stretches to a single tinder meeting. Luckily for me, it was with someone who had been extremely honest about themselves, and seemed pretty normal (apart from really, really loving Justin Timberlake, I mean seriously so much), with a little Dutch courage coursing through my veins I took the plunge. Fun ensued.

Anyway, in terms of the grounds upon which you should meet, in my opinion, if wherever they are located is familiar and easy to return from, in my mind it seems best to go to them, as it’s so much easier to just leave the situation than if they’ve come to you.

Five minutes into my meeting I had to request a pause and send out about ten texts saying ‘he’s probably not a murderer!’ to friends ready to come and rescue me if necessary. Have a get-out plan.

Remember that assembly in primary Delete the weirdos school when your teacher told you to never, under any circumstances, meet Seriously. There are a lot of them. strangers off the internet? Yeah well Don’t accept them on facebook. that’s pretty much what you’re doing

written by a bunch of debauched online dating afficionados Andrew Kitzmiller

I would like to begin by saying that

How to tinder

Starting the conversation I am a fan of keeping it simple, a casual “Hey, how’s it going?” is often a fine way to see if someone wants to chat, but then again maybe that is just a symptom of my extreme awkwardness and fear that a joke will fall flat on its face. The sad way that society forces us into gender roles and the fact that I am in possession of a vagina means that I rarely have to make that step, as matches often take it upon themselves to begin the conversations. HAHA SORRY MEN.

Don’t let the crushing shame destroy you.

“There’s no one new around you.”

These words don’t make you a bad person, they just make you a bored person or a really, really horny person, and there’s no shame in either of these things. Just increase your age range, your mile limit, and lower your standards. We are in all in this together. I’ll see you in there.

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Monday 7th April 2014

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Fashion Editors: Amanda Bull and Molly Maguire

For the Girls...

PRETTY IN PASTEL

Topshop

CLEATED FEET

River Island

Inject a pop of pastel into your summer wardrobe. Candy colours make any accessories and clothing a sure summer fashion hit.

Office

Team these chunkysoled bad boys with a floral dress and leather bomber jacket for the ultimate mix of feminine and masculine style.

Office

Topshop Miss Selfridge

Topshop Lipsy

HOT HALTERNECKS

H&M

Halternecks are universally flattering and a great way to flash the flesh this summer.

From crop tops to jumpsuits, channel this trend with a killer summer glow.

River Island

Topshop

New Look

SUITED FOR SUMMER

Motel

Topshop

Miss Selfridge

Warehouse

Motel

Co-ords have made a fashion resurgence this Spring/Summer.

Chose a structured pencil skirt with matching top for formal occasions, or shorts and skater skirts for a youthful way to wear the trend.

Fashion Forecast And the Boys... *HIGH 5* PANELS

Asos

Not quite a snapback nor a baseball cap but (a better!) in-between, 5 panels are softer in material and tend to fit better on the head.

Light colours make you instantly look more summery.

Hype

HUF

Flashback to the 80s and 90s for old school sports wear or retro logos such as Disney on a vintage t-shirt.

Wear these with casual jeans/shorts to a BBQ or a casual night out.

Only

Asos

Native Youth

REALLY REALLLLLY RETRO

Disney

New York Yankees

Adidas Originals

We all know what English weather is like, the likelihood of our summer being a really hot one is sadly quite slim, so for warmth and comfiness bomber jackets are the way forward. Try ones

River Island

SHORT SHORTS

Swimshorts are no longer used for just swimming but are worn casually all throughout the summer. Why not spice it up with some pattern and team it with a plain tshirt. Zig zags, paisley or an oriental print, all of them look better than a boring plain blue.

Universal Works

BANGING BOMBERS Jaded

with different colour or patterned Ausavage sleeves for a bit of originality.

Monday 7th April 2014

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9

RAG Fashion Show 2014

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written and photographed by Pedro Gomes

Assembly Rooms on Thursday 3rd April saw the great fashion show organised by University of Bath’s RAG (Raise and Give) Society with the volunteering of over 50 students. Julian House, Sense, Bath Mind and Teenage Cancer Trust were the charities targeted by this fund raising event.

Several fashion pieces were showcased from shops in and around Bath including for example Jack Wills, Jigsaw and other local designers. It was indeed a lovely evening well put together by Bath RAG. It was an event that had it all, from mouth-watering cupcakes, amazing cocktails from the Assembly Rooms bar as well raffle tickets, with the chance to win great goodies donated by local shops and designers.

The show was also accompanied by performances of singers Heather Kirk, Suzie Hance and guitar player Jack Silman. In addition Body Soc was also on the stage with the performance of ‘The Secret Garden Waltz’.

Congratulations to all students that contributed to put together this amazing event for all other students to enjoy a nice formal evening filled with good mood and an tasteful environment.

Monday 7th April 2014

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11

Don’t make me go to Bristol

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h Bath, so much to answer for. I came here promised we had the sort of nightlife and cultural scene that would make Camden shit its hipster pantaloons in fear of our awesomeness. At the end of my second year I now sadly realise that the bloke on the open day who told me this was quite clearly speaking shit. For when I arrived all I saw was shit club after shit club after shit club. A place that’s idea for a night out was putting a few hundred people into a pit six feet underground, charging them a bomb for drinks, playing the shittest music possible, forcing them to endure sweaty blokes with more than a hug on their mind and then charging you a fiver for the privilege.

And alas I spent much of my first year thinking that this was the way my three years here were going to be spent. But, dear reader, I saw the light. I saw it in a place that wanted to make Bath a place worth loving for the people like me. I saw Moles. Oh glorious Moles, with The Smiths and The Manics whose music seemed to be ever ringing in its walls, immortalized in the ugly black date stamps on the pale yellow walls (a thing of the past). But alas all good things must come to an end and seemingly days after I had found my spiritual home it got set on fire and has now been forced to close for the foreseeable future. *Sigh*. It was over before it even began.

However we can turn this around. We can make Bath’s music scene beautiful. And it all starts with you and me. You see our problem at the minute lays with attracting bands to come to us. With the lure of Bristol so close how can we do this, I hear you ask?

This might make you cry

o matter what year you find yourself in – the next few weeks will be a sort of vacuum; a suffocating form of hell where time will pass and none will be the wiser.

My fellow final years and I will be toiling in Level 5, or under the covers in bed with a laptop propped- in various states of distress, over the piece of work that will determine our future- stamped brutally, and almost obscenely on a piece of watermarked paper. There will be the few of you putting in your last strides before the promise of placement – in for many, London – the very excitement bubbling beneath your skin. And for the no-longer Fresh – the anticipation of summer, smothering you for the very first time since Sixth Form. Enjoy it – it’ll probably be your last.

There is hardly time for reflection - it’s the time to get stuck in, blinders on, and ignore whatever is going on until the end of May. Yet that would be a small tragedy, as for many of us, it will be the last time we will ever experience this again.

Dare I say, we need to relish this moment and celebrate it.

Relish the time that has passed, the oddities that we have come to take for granted, and will no longer be able to do when we are released into the real world. The pit-stop baguettes, and coffees in Tiki – confiding in our relatively, newly made friends who we first met in Freshers, but have become our dearest and nearest. The gush of wind walking down Parade, with the promise of a warm seat on a U18, to go back to prep for a night out. Ah the nights out.

Think of how far we have come. Arriving into crowded halls with pots and pans in tow – the strangeness of coming to grips with the fact you are starting a new phase of life with strangers from all parts of the Home Counties and the World.

Think of the people we have met, whose hair we had to hold whilst they emptied their guts out over blue porcelain bowls and mismatched white seats in Plug, to those who held our hands when we were homesick, for another house, another place in another continent. Remember those who we have lost – the awkward bus journeys that we take side by side, gently sidestepping the friendships we have bruised, making small talk that only a British education can provide.

There is employment waiting at the end of the tunnel – for the lucky few. For some there is the promise of adventure and travel; incense and anti-mosquito repellents; a deep thirst to discover beyond the confines of dog-eared books.

The many international students returning home: there is the prospect of packing all our winter gear in boxes made for cargo, all set for when our Visas get cut in half, and we are shown the door. We will wear those knee-high boots again one day, but when we return to this hemisphere, we’ll be different people, but we’re sure it’ll feel like we never left. What ever it is your future

written by Ainaa Azhar

I wish you all the very best of luck.

I think of this whilst I walk down from the Guildhall. There is something about the way the light falls on the stone, and the ultra crispness of the sky that tells me there is something special about this place. A sort of magic that lifts, and for a second might dissipate and be gone.

Thank you for the beautiful four years, Bath.

Steve Arnold

N

Well, we support our local scene. Only through support can it grow and be used to attract the bands we want. So the next time you see someone not even half decent playing in Bath, then go see them. Because when they leave they’ll be able to tell their buddies that ‘Bath was a super cool place man, you should play there sometime’ and then eventually after this happens time and time again we’ll have the big guns coming to play. Of course this assumes that musicians talk to each other, instead of what they actually do… sitting in hot tubs drinking cocktails and taking drugs. Right?

And let’s also call on the students union to start booking bands to play at the university. I’m always amazed at how ambivalent they are in giving people like me and the vast majority of my friends a few bands to watch throughout the year. Let’s make it known that this is something we want and if they really are a fair student union that looks after the needs of all of their student population (including us hipsters and not just the ravers) we can hopefully get some cool bands to play. The SU has hosted gigs in the past, it is one of the biggest music venues in Bath and it has a guaranteed few thousand people hanging around with copious amounts of cash and not a lot to do. Would it really be that hard to make money through this? A few years ago, there was another club night on Fridays. I heard it was “completely shit” – but the point is, the union has put things on in the past and could do again… it doesn’t have to run at a profit, it just has to not run at a loss. This is something The more legs in a mosh pit, the greater the happiness that with the dedicated attention, could be achieved.

GothEric

O

written by Alexander Ilija Coles

Monday 7th April 2014

kitten

13

bite news Things which may have, but at the same time definitely did not, happen.

Jon Archer He’s the one with a beard

T

he government is announcing plans to generate electricity from the spinning corpses of deceased leaders of political parties. The policy, known as “Defecate A Legacy; Generate Some ‘leccy” is to be rolled out as part of the government’s year-long plan to seem less like apologist bornto-rule nepotists by pretending to care about the nation’s future.

“Brilliant,” said mother-offive Tracy Shinsplints, “Gas prices are soaring through the roof. We could simply burn their corpses to generate electricity, but the unerring shame of eviscerating a party’s ideology means we could get free energy on a five-yearly basis.”

The scheme will be largely fuelled by exhuming the corpses of well-loved inspirational figures from the past and hooking them up to generators, using the defiled names of their political parties to incur what is known as Karmic Kinetic Energy. To boost generation, the three major political parties, The Labour Party, The Conservatives and the [insert joke party here], will perform a collective u-turn on their policies en masse to further the flip-

flopping cause.

“We’ll basically say anything at this point,” said moderately sentient toothbrush impersonator Ed Miliband, “I heard that people actually don’t like bingo and beer, so we’re going to regressively tax them to extinction. It’s what working people wouldn’t have wanted.”

David Cameron, Husband to ‘SamCo plc’ and majority shareholder of the nation’s souls, had this to say: “I’m basically the exhumed corpse of Margaret Thatcher, held animate by the deniability of the past and stepping on Michael Gove’s career in standup comedy. It’s good to think that today Maggie can have an effect on the nation literally as well as metaphorically”. He then turned to a repository of wankers known as ‘The Apple Store’ and said “Alright lads, nationalise the shit out of it.”

Prime Minister Nigel Farage claimed “hard working families... the environment... tax breaks... decreased fuel duty... [more things you claim to want to hear].” Before our reporter fell asleep with populism-inspired tedium. After awakening in a baffled haze, our reporter noticed Fazza drinking beer out of a 500ml glass and driving on the right-hand side

NAVFAC

Energy from Deceased Party Leaders

See these people here, they have big receipts for something... maybe they bought those leis together

of the road in Bulgaria, which apparently is not empty according to the newly far-right “Golden Sword” Liberal Democrats’ election material.

Climate Change is already beginning to take effect on the world’s climate. Just last month, Al Gore lost a sandcastle he had spent all day constructing to advancing tides.

He collapsed on the beach, pounding it with his impotent

fists, screaming “you blew it all up, damn you. Damn you all to hell!” Then the sale of hybrid cars rose, temporarily offsetting the quantity of Carbon Dioxide in the atmosphere until China woke up to have its breakfast.

However, not everyone is entirely convinced the policy will work. Professor Persephone Doomsayer claims the thermodynamic whatsit of having

something sciency generate free energy from nowhere is not energetically something.

In her address to the House of Commons Joint Committee for Pseudoscience and Misinterpretations, she said: “What is wrong with you people? ‘Spinning in their grave’ is just a saying! We need money for research into ACTUAL renewable energy; this government can’t accomplish anything!”

Joshua Lewis Can’t roll cigarettes

A

fter a heavy drinking session with the Ukrainian premier, Putin admits he might have behaved “a bit over the top” with regards to the occupying Crimea situation. He says “it’s fine now, we are mates again.” “We just needed some krasnaya ikra, a guitar and a bottle of vodka and after 5 hours in the same room and we got everything sorted.”

“To be honest,” he continued, “I feel a bit silly now when I think how close we came to nuclear war with the west.” “Now I’ve calmed down, it all just seemed a bit unnecessary.”

The two leaders discuss plans to mark their renewed friendship by going on a topless fishing trip, then doing some topless hunting and finally going for a traditional sauna. During this period, photos will be taken to show their unrivalled manliness and, in Putin’s words, “make western leaders quake in their capitalist (oh wait, can we still say that) boots.”

“The problem with the west is they just don’t understand the way we do things over here.”

“Democracy and legal rights for homosexuals is so overrated.”

My next question was directed towards the Ukrainian leader.

“What are your…….?”

“NET!” “YOU DON’T TALK TO HIM!” Putin shouts. “You want to ask him a question, ask through me!”

“His answer is he loves Russia and soon we will be a big happy family again.” “Wait, what was the question?”

Apparently, political analysts are worried about tomorrow, when Putin will go through the ‘hangover’ stage. This is the most temperamental period of any peace agreement and could lead straight back to war. It is especially risky if Putin wakes up with a sore head. Experts are advising Putin to drink at least a pint of water before bed to hopefully mitigate this risk.

Suddenly Putin became very serious. “I have one warning for the western press.” “If any of you are considering writing a satirical article about this, even for a British university paper, then there will be radioactive consequences in your sushi.”

“I feel today we have made a lot of headway for a better and

Ak Rockefeller

Topless wrestling his way to peace

“Socks! Run out again! ... Still; for me, socks are like sex: tons of it about, and I never seem to get any”

brighter future.” “Now I can get back to my usual job of ignoring human rights issues in my country while getting on my high horse about human right in other countries that happen to be American allies.”

“Declaring peace feels so good!” “Wait a minute; is the president of Poland giving me a dirty look?” “We invade tomor-

row!” “What?” “Don’t look so scared!” “I am joking!” “Can I not make an ironic joke, even if it is uncomfortably similar to my actual policies?”

“David ‘git face’ Cameron would never come on a topless hunting trip,” Putin claims.

“I have invited him many times but I think he may be too selfconscious.”

“He thinks this will make him a laughing stock,” Putin says through stifled laughter. “In Russia, we have an old expression.”

“If you are already a bumbling idiot and have no image that could be ruined any further then do what you like!” “You have no more dignity to lose!” To blank faces all round he concludes, “It sounds better in Russian.”

Monday 7th April 2014

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Girls on the street written by Connor McGregor Morton

I open my eyes, and rise with my usual sense of liveliness.

I stride over to the mirror and see the flash of gold in my gleaming smile that I love so much. I’m feeling good, and I can tell it’s going to be a good day.

Opening my cupboard, I look at my range of suits and pluck out the snazziest of the bunch, because the sun is shining and I’m off out for a walk, whatever happens today. I lay it on the bed and then I go over to the record player, and grab my favourite record off of the rack, good old Ray Charles, can’t go wrong with that, I say to myself, and put it in the player and put the needle down. The music sails through the air, and I really start to get along with the flow of the day. I clamber into the bath, armed with a cup of tea with whisky, and relax. All the while singing along to Ray, I eventually muster the strength to get out of the bath, dry off, put on my suit and sit down on my armchair, and just listen to the music. It finishes, so I grab another record and put it on.

My mood is a little unsettled at that point, however, as my phone rings, I turn off the music just before the bit I like, and as I pick it up. I hear down the line that the girls had a problem last night, and they need me down there to sort it out. This almost unsettles my mood, but I manage to keep myself calm and carry on as usual, having a cut-throat shave and put on my suit, with my braces with purple and white stripes.

I rattle myself up some breakfast quickly, gulp it down, and ready myself. I put on my big brimmed hat, and walk towards the front door.

I grab my cane as I glide out of the door, silky smooth. Down the steps of my house, spring in my step, I get into my easy, chilled out walking pace - I take it easy, no matter where I’m going. I realise that I’ll need a little extra help to keep myself calm, so I decide to take a quick jaunt into the local shop.

Walking through the door, I grab the paper and walk up to the desk, throwing a wink at the girl at the register as I do - she’s a complete doll. I ask her for a packet of tobacco and some rolling papers, I decide to have a smoke on the way over to the girls, to keep me steady.

I roll up a cigarette and smoke like a chimney as I trot down the pavement, and head toward the girls’ road, which I then turn down. I keep walking down the street and finally come up to the big red door, and ring the bell. I walk in the door with purpose, conveying my strong self, letting them know I can deal with the situation.

“Hi Grandad,” little Sam says, and I pick him up and ask him where his mum is, and try to figure out what could have unsettled her so.

Pedro Gomes

14

Monday 7th April 2014

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Horoscopes

 Taurus

Sex Column: Tooty fruity

 Aries

April 21 - May 20

15

March 21 - April 20

The revolution you’re currently writing on that starbucks napkin won’t work… it’ll be quashed at the riot you’re inciting at the beer hall.

I saw your face at the bottom of my teacup… I’m so so sorry.



Gemini

May 21 - June 20

 Cancer

June 21 - July 21

You’ve realised that all your friends don’t exist. At times like these, I find solace in the fact that marzipan can take all shapes and sizes… and… personalities.

When you’re stranded with a group of people on a desert island without any food July 22 - August 22 and it’s time for cannibalism. People say drawing straws is best but isn’t it just delaying the inevitable?

Discuss this on your next date with Deborah.





Leo

While hopes and dreams may come and go, a .45 solves a lot.

 Virgo

August 23 - September 22

Libra

September 23 - October 22

Someone’s after your life, don’t drink ANYTHING this month. for(a=1,a<12;a++) {cout<<”Oh god, let it end.”<<endl;}



 Scorpio

October 23 - November 21

Lent is almost over. For those of you who stuck to your convictions thus far, it means nothing.

Sagittarius

November 22 - December 21

Time to start an all-pizza diet. But do this right, with the RIGHT quantities!

23 pizzas a day is just gluttonous, 24 pizzas-aday and the pounds will literally FALL off you.



December 22 - January 20

This month, you’ll learn that leaving your cake out in the rain was a really bad idea.

You’ll never have that recipe again. If you say this three times in the mirror it will rain cats from the sky – If you haven’t started the necessary we promise work by now, you will never be an astronaut. Jupiter has sidled up to Mars in retrograde with a cheeky smile and a confident saunter. This may sound cute, but it’s bad for you, what will Charon think?! Get to the dentist, now!



Capricorn

F

ood often plays a large role in inspiration for sex games. Sitophilia, otherwise known as food play is a form of sexual fetishism that involves participants being aroused by food.

This was portrayed beautifully in one particular episode of ‘Secret Diary of A Call Girl’ where Billie Piper rolled around in a variety of cakes, desserts and whipped cream for the pleasure of a client, and she seems to have quite a good time doing so. If the idea of jam and sponge being smeared into all your crevices makes you excited, you could always let your other half know by laying out a selection of your favourite sweets and watch the episode together, in the hope that they will be on board with you jumping up and down on a classic Victoria Sponge. But this week, I’d like to specifically think about fruit and sex. Fruits such as bananas are well known for being a big turn on, especially when being eaten by attractive young females, assuming

Aquarius

January 21 - February 19

Illustrations illustrated by Charles ‘Smeg’ Jones



this is down to the similarity between a banana’s phallic shape and male genitalia, obviously the idea of someone biting through and chomping on your nether regions is super sexy. So girls, if you’re having a bit of trouble catching the eye of that one guy that seems oblivious to your advances, have a crack at a bit of flirtatious healthy eating in his vicinity. Just be careful not to choke as you try to seductively wink and enjoy your potassium rich snack simultaneously. Don’t you gents worry, your piece of fruity advice is also on its way. If you find yourself struggling to convince your love interest to show their appreciation in the form of a make out session between them and you little mister down below, it might be down to the fact that it can be quite an unpleasant taste. If this is the case, fear not, a plethora of fruits are said to make your little guys taste super sweet. The most popular being pineapple, so give it a go, and worst comes to the worst it doesn’t work, but your partner will surely have to get on their knees to test it out and check? In the interests of general fun, most sex-toy stores also supply an extensive range of fruit flavoured lube, definitely worth a bit of a play around to see if any of these tickle your fancy. Always a bit of fun.

Pisces

February 20 - March 20

You are in SERIOUS danger of being struck by lightning. I’ve heard bending over with your arse in the air reduces the chance of being struck.

Do this for nineteen years.

Horoscopes writed by Jon ‘too clever for his own good’ Beard

16

Monday 7th April 2014

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Snuzzly Puzzly Zone Quick Quiz 1. Primrose Day commemorates the death of which Prime Minister?

2. In the game Operation, what must be removed from the stomach?

3. The Wren Library is the library of which Cambridge college?

4. How many hearts does Doctor Who have?

5. Māori, Hawaiian and Tongan all belong to which language family?

6. In computing, what does URL stand for?

7. The Sparrow Hills overlook which capital city?

8. What is the largest gland in the human body?

9. Which philosopher said “hell is other people”?

9. What is the only number whose equivalent English expression has all its letters in alphabetical order?

Rules for Unequality:

Unequality

Enter the numbers 1–5 into the grid so that each number appears precisely once in each row and column. A greater-than sign (>) between two cells indicates that one number must be larger than its neighbour.

Rules for Pinwheels:

the

Head down to Golden Fleece every Wednesday at 8PM, starting April the 2nd. It’s £1 entry per person, teams may have a maximum of four members and first prize is all the entry money.

Rules for Rectangulon: Subdivide the grid into rectangles such that each contains precisely one numbered square and has area equal to that number.

Puzzles created by Dorian Lidell

A Psalm of Life

TELL me not, in mournful numbers, Life is but an empty dream!— For the soul is dead that slumbers, And things are not what they seem.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow, Is our destined end or way; But to act, that each to-morrow Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting, And our hearts, though stout and brave, Still, like muffled drums, are beating Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle, In the bivouac of Life, Be not like dumb, driven cattle!

Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!

Let the dead Past bury its dead!

Act,—act in the living Present!

Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us We can make our lives sublime, And, departing, leave behind us Footprints on the sands of time;

Rectangulon

If you like these puzzles, then you might also like to go along to a quiz hosted and written by our resident genius Dorian Lidell.

Subdivide the grid into regions such that each contains exactly one dot, about which it has 180-degree rotational symmetry.

Pinwheels

QuizFleece at

Poetry Corner

Life is real! Life is earnest!

And the grave is not its goal; Dust thou art, to dust returnest, Was not spoken of the soul.

1. Benjamin Disraeli 2. A butterfly 3. Trinity College 4. Two

Across 3. Venomous snake (3) 9. Egg-shaped (5) 10. Furthest from the centre (9) 11. Nine-sided polygon (7) 12. Voice synthesizer (7) 13. Exactly right (4,2) 14. Wealth, luxury (8) 16. In Japanese cuisine: thin slices of raw fish or meat (7) 18. Decorative design (7) 19. Tissue death (8) 20. Make a great effort (6) 24. Native name for The Hague (3,4) 25. Peppery spice (7) 26. Barren and desolate region (9) 27. Magnifying glass (5) 28. Organ of sight (3)

Quiz Answers:

For all puzzle solutions, visit our facebook page and like, to view.

Down 1. Fraternize; biscuit (6) 2. Nausea and vomiting during early pregnancy — minks in Congress (anag.) (7,8) 3. In music: slowly (6) 4. Blue movie (5) 5. Tall top hat (9) 6. Jewellery worn around the wrist (8) 7. Variety of apple — docile old genius (anag.) (6,9) 8. Fish whose roe is used in caviar (8) 15. Speaking two languages (9) 16. Expel from university; imprison (4,4) 17. Alone, separated (8) 21. Fall over; overthrow (6) 22. Extremely happy (6) 23. Digging implement; suit (5)

Footprints, that perhaps another, Sailing o’er life’s solemn main, A forlorn and shipwrecked brother, Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing, With a heart for any fate; Still achieving, still pursuing, Learn to labor and to wait.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow