bathimpact Volume 15 Issue 9 by bathimpact

bathimpact The University of Bath Students’ Union Newspaper

Volume 15 Issue 9

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UKIP activist to run for NUS president

guano

Astral Media

Monday 24th February 2014

Student loans miscalulated by government ~ Page 4

ACME Squares

~ Page 4

International students feeling unwelcome in the UK Alexandra Egan bathimpact Contributor nternational students have expressed feelings of being unwelcome whilst studying at universities in the United Kingdom. This statement comes as a result of a study of 3,100 international students by the National Union of Students (NUS), with 50% claiming that the UK Government was not welcoming to overseas students. Consequently, international students are discouraging their friends from coming to study in the UK, affecting students from the countries of Nigeria, Pakistan, and India most of all. According to the NUS survey, PhD students are the most likely to suffer hostility, with 65.8 per cent claiming to be unwelcome in the UK. Students from Japan (64.5 per cent), Nigeria (62.8 per cent) and India (62 per cent) were

found to be those experiencing these feelings of being unwelcome most frequently. The UK Government has stated that such results are ‘extremely worrying’, as international students contribute a signiﬁcant chunk to the UK economy - around 7.9 billion GBP according to data from the Department for Business Innovation and Skills. Last year, UCAS even saw a drop in international student applications, from 239,000 to 197,000, costing the economy a hefty 725 million GBP. The number of students from India fell by a signiﬁcant amount of 25 per cent. UCAS has stated, however, that statistics are rising again this year, which proves a good sign for the UK economy. According to the survey, international students indicated that they felt discriminated against in a variety of ways. One of these stated reasons was landlords checking on the

legal status of their international tenants, and demanding supplementary documentation, where the same was not required of British students. Another way in which international students felt discriminated against was the NHS fee of £200, which will see the end of free healthcare for foreign students and workers who plan on staying in the UK for a period of more than half a year. According to the NUS survey, 74 per cent of international students see this as an obstacle to studying in the UK, claiming that it would make studying here ‘impossible’, and felt that it would make it ‘more difficult to study’. Furthermore, 19 per cent of EU students would not recommend the UK as a place to study to a friend or relative, and this figure is even higher for PhD students at 23.5 per cent. Daniel Stevens, NUS International Students’ Officer, stated: “These figures confirm

society comment

Mormon leader summoned

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Sophie Sachrajda analyses the ramiﬁcations of the summons of Church of Latter Day Saints President Thomas Monson to defend the tenets of his faith in a British court.

Simulation exasperation

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John Barlow discusses his issues with the hordes of recent games and consoles, and his feelings about the gaming market being more creative in past years.

what we have been saying all along. Many international students feel unwelcome in the UK as a result of the government’s hostile and overzealous policies. The immigration bill’s proposals are set to create new barriers to international students at the same time that our global competitors are welcoming them with open arms…Not only are the proposals unwelcoming, they are also unworkable, expensive and discriminatory. Given the huge contribution international students make to the UK, they also stand to be self-defeating, sending a message that the UK is closed for business.” A spokesperson for the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills claims supported Stevens’ statement, claiming that “International students make a huge contribution – boosting our economy and enhancing our cultural life.”

bite

s 11

bite does all things vanity

e pag

Turn to page 11 for Thomas Gane’s brilliant take on vanity in hip-hop, paticularly the work of the often divisive Kanye West.

Monday 24th February 2014

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Fifteen versions of sliding A

s the curtain falls on the Sochi Olympics, a major question still hangs over the Games. It’s a problem we at bathimpact have wrestled with since the first day of figure skating; a conundrum which vexed us all the way through the curling; an ever-present dilemma as we grappled with the intricacies of the luge. Throughout all of these disciplines, the one question that was the office’s collective hive mind was thus: “Is that really a sport?” Critics of the International Olympic Committee’s decision to award Putin’s Russia the hibernal incarnation of the Games argue that to do so is to lend credibility to an intolerant, abusive regime. Indeed, luminaries such as Stephen Fry have drawn comparisons with the Committee’s choice of Berlin for the 1936 edition of the Summer Olympics, which provided in-

ternational validation for Hitler’s regime. Without doubt there are striking similarities - but do the Summer and Winter Games bear equal gravitas? Consider the events in Sochi; most ultimately boil down to different ways to descend a large hill or cross a frozen pond. Admirable and enjoyable pursuits, but (curling, we’re looking at you) can they really be classified as sports? It depends on your definition thereof and how you differentiate sports from other activities. Athleticism and technique would seem to be obvious prerequisites for a definition of sport. But then, yoga requires both, yet is not usually considered a sport. Shooting, by contrast, does make the grade; despite the fact that Olympic shooters, whilst adapted to the demands of their sport, do not have to exhibit the same level of athletic prowess

required in other disciplines. Does the meaning of sport, therefore, lie in some abstract concept of values? To misuse Orwellian terminology: the ‘Sporting Spirit’? The ideals of sportsmanship, be they fair play, respect or otherwise, would seem to form a good basis from which to delineate a sport. However, to do so would be to ignore the presence of these values in other walks of life and their occasional absence from the sporting world. Only too often are morals laid to one side in, for example, athletics and cycling in the name of competition; so a functional deﬁnition of sport does not preclude unethical activity. Perhaps, then, it is having that competitive motivation at the heart of a game which transforms it into a sport. The desire to win - to protect one’s personal pride as well as that of club and country - is a criterion

which covers all sports and affords some correlation with Orwell’s definition of sporting spirit. But now we have come full circle. If competitive spirit is what we demand from sport, then the entire ensemble of Winter Olympic events qualify. Maybe the skiers and snowboarders are just demonstrating all the different ways to reach the foot of a mountain, but they’re all trying to be the first to the bottom; maybe the skaters are just frolicking on a frozen lake, but they all aim to be more stylish than their competitors; and yes, maybe curling’s soofters are only manipulating the principles of surface friction and lubrication, but each strives to be more manipulative than the others. So we can officially tell you that bathimpact believes what you probably knew to be true from the outset of this editorial: Sochi is sport. Oh, and ice hockey is awesome.

The perfect time to change I

t’s a stressful life being a student. Beyond the high-pressure situation of trying to successfully acquire a degree of good quality with your own blood, sweat and tears, it’s a time of transition. We leave home, make new friends and perhaps drift away from the old. Relationships are forged, tested and sometimes broken. We are becoming ourselves one step at a time, and sometimes through no fault of our own these steps can cease to move forward, go backwards or take us somewhere it is hard to escape from. Mental health is a big issue for people at university, with 3-10 per cent of students seeking out contact with the University’s counselling services in a single year. It’s something that looms large in a lot of peoples’ minds, made worse by the fact that talking about it is still largely taboo for a lot of people - the

shame still exists, despite a call to arms against this idea. It’s clearly a common problem, and added to a plethora of other issues students face - most of which are fairly insular - it makes coming forward to talk about mental health all the more difficult. Looking at the figures, it makes the overall picture of the stigma surrounding mental health even worse; the known figures are just those of the people who found themselves able to come forward and start to look for the help they need. So the big picture seems to be even worse than we assume. This is, of course, not helped by the difficulties people can face when approaching the subject; for a lot of people, to be mentally ill is to be broken in some way, and many people view their own mental health issues as being selfish. People still hold the idea that the ability to ‘keep calm and

carry on’ is not only necessary, but something everybody should be able to do without question. This of course ignores the fact that sometimes, taking a step back to think about your own mental health issues is not only helpful, but entirely necessary; it is harder for some than others. The ability to be able to do this and do so without fear of reproach, is something that needs to be worked on. Things are looking up for those suffering with mental health problems, however; and we here at bathimpact are very much for the open discussion of mental health issues, and how to help those who ﬁnd themselves unable to get their own help. The Time to Change and Time to Talk campaigns being rolled out across the University, a joint venture by both the University itself and the University of Bath Students’ Union, are one step

towards making broaching the subject of mental health easier for anybody who may be facing issues with it - either due to dealing with personal mental health issues, or dealing with those of close friends or family. The University of Bath and the University of Bath Students’ Union signed the pledge on Wednesday 19th February, making it the twenty-second university to sign the pledge in the UK. The ‘Time to Change’ is self-described as ‘a public statement of aspiration than an organisation wants to tackle mental health stigma and discrimination’, also stating that the more organisations that sign the pledge, the more noise will be made about the movement. For a subject that is so often left silent, to the unarguable detriment of those dealing with it, we at bathimpact feel more noise can only, and will only, be a good thing.

On boycotting the boycots S

ince the beginning of the Winter Olympics, there has been a massive amount of Sochi bashing by the mass media, spreading and subsequently seeming to epitomise the sentiments of your average social commentator. In the intellectual world, it is clear that these sentiments are wholeheartedly aimed at legislation and Russia’s political system, especially its infamous figurehead - that and vigilante gangs of homophobes. This is fine, but bandwagoning has led to mockery of Russia and its people, unfortunately including those who are proud of their country and also not homophobic militants. bathimpact first noticed this as articles and tweets started to circulate, and the world’s press began to arrive in Sochi and were posting photos of the shortcomings of the various forms of accommodation which had been built with haste. The 2010 Commonwealth Games in Deli expe-

rienced similar problems – though the media paid attention to this, the belittling of India wasn’t part of the narrative. Not the way it has been for Russia. As you are probably aware, there have been numerous calls for boycotts of the Games by sponsors and the international community. The motives and articulations of these views have been almost completely well balanced, expressed with poise and aimed at those directly responsible for what our notions of human rights deems completely reprehensible. These arguments are well founded, but it begs questions about hypocrisy - and two points seem to stand out: ﬁrstly, Britain’s fairly recent cultural history, which is rife with rights abuses against homosexuals and women. Homosexual acts were illegal until 1967 in Britain – homosexuals also couldn’t be part of the armed forces until 2000. Secondly,

there have been disparate reactions amongst the international community towards events, such as Azerbaijan’s 2012 Eurovision and the Beijing Olympics 2008. These events carried with them similar stigmas, but were not treated in the same way and especially not by governments. Obvious comparisons can be drawn with Eurovision 2012 in Azerbaijan, which experienced far less criticism both prior to and during the event, despite the human rights abuses in its own Orwellian society. Perhaps most pertinent is the case of the Beijing Olympics in 2008: China is known for many violations of universal human rights, and such violations were employed in their mass relocation programmes which saw many Beijing residents homeless to make way for the games. The literature on the Chinese Communist Party’s (CCP) track record for such actions is extensive, though time and time again Western governments (and to

some extent main media sources) fail to fully inform or criticise such actions. Of course, the media pays close attention to Chinese human rights abuses, but the rest of society didn’t seem to share the similar disdain that has been shown towards Sochi 2014. The factors in these arguments are varied; the summer Games are seen as far more important compared to the winter equivalents; the 2012 British bid probably relied upon a keen Olympic spirit within Britain, and a media boycott of the 2008 games may have hindered the buzz that surrounded Britain in 2012. As well as this, the West has a history of ignoring Chinese human rights abuses, due mostly to economic ties and Chinese power. It just brings to light an age old double standard in international politics; something all should be wary of when joining in on international scapegoats – which leaves other rights abuses to continue in the shadows.

The bathimpact team Holly Narey Editor-in-Chief impact-editor@bath.ac.uk

Tomos Evans Deputy Editor-in-Chief impact-deputy@bath.ac.uk

Ben Hooper bite Editor impact-bite@bath.ac.uk

Helen Edworthy This member is involved Helen Edworthy Thomas Ganein elecand Editor News and Comment Comment Editor tions, so didNews not Editor handle content in bite impact-news@bath.ac.uk impact-bite@bath.ac.uk this issue. impact-news@bath.ac.uk

Tom Ash Features Editor impact-features@bath.ac.uk

Connor McGregor Morton Sport Editor impact-sport@bath.ac.uk

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The opinions expressed in bathimpact are not necessarily those of the bathimpact editors nor of the University of Bath Students’ Union. Whilst every effort is made to ensure that the information contained in this publication is correct and accurate at the time of going to print, the publisher cannot accept any liability for information which is later altered or incorrect. bathimpact as a publication adheres to the Press Complaints Commission’s Code of Conduct. Please contact them for any information.

Monday 24th February 2014

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expressimpact

“

I was having a wee.

One Direction’s Harry Styles on why he was late for the group’s acceptance speech for the Global Success award at the Brits, leaving the other four to accept it without him.

updates & events UPCOMING EVENT

A mass online game of Pokemon was anonymously organised on social gaming site Twitch, where tens of thousands of people attempted to control the player character by Twitch.tv

photo of the fortnight

“

News Lite

putting in a single command, one after the other. Because of the way Twitch’s servers operate, each command may take up to forty seconds to show up on screen, and only the game’s original eight commands are available – up,

down, left, right, A, B, start, and select. The Pokemon game used was Pokemon Red/Blue.

Fortnight in ﬁgures

$19 billion $10 billion Facebook’s successful bid for WhatsApp

WhatsApp’s rejected bid from Google

ployment rates in Germany, France, and the United Kingdom. The unemployment rate in Germany stands at 5.2 per cent, much lower than the rates of France and the UK, which stand at 10.9 per cent and 7.5 per cent respectively. In the UK, a person counts as unemployed if they are both out of work, but also ac-

fortnightly graphic

A graphic showing the proportional unem-

tively looking for work and available to start working within two weeks.

Questions to candidates. Your best chance to hear the candidates make their case for their desired post! Where: Upstairs in the Student Centre When: 27th Feb (Education & Sport), 28th Feb (Community and Activities), 3rd March (President)

NATIONAL Banksy’s ‘Kissing Coppers’ mural has been sold for $575,000 (£345,000) to an anonymous buyer in Miami. Originally residing at the Prince Albert pub in Brighton, where it was created in 2004, the piece is one of Banksy’s most famous, and stands with eleven other Banksy pieces to be sold in the last three years by a collector in New York.

INTERNATIONAL An Australian missionary has been arrested in the North Korean capital of Pyongyang, and is now the second foreign Christian missionary to be held in the country. The missionary, Mr John Short, was on his second visit to the country, and his wife Karen Short has stated that “He won’t be intimidated by the Communists.”

LOCAL A Bath café has found itself dealing with national attention across social media sites, after telling a customer via twitter than her concerns over the hygiene of keeping cakes uncovered made her a ‘stupid woman’. The Shed café, located in Bathford, threatened the customer with legal action after her review appeared on their Facebook page.

HEALTH A study by City University London and backed by the Nufﬁeld Foundation has stated that more than half the deaf children assessed by them during the course of the study are being “failed by the education system”. The study found that many deaf children had reading difﬁculties that were as severe as those of hearing dyslexic children.

UPCOMING EVENT Students’ Union Ofﬁcer Elections – voting opens! It’s your chance to be a part of the decision making process for who will be the next group of people to run the University of Bath Students’ Union, so make your vote count! Where: bathstudent.com When: 9am 4th March - 10pm 6th March

Monday 24th February 2014

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NUS President nominees revealed A

parliamentary candidate for Uxbridge and South Ruslip, and is the secretary of Young Independence, UKIP’s youth section. Mr Duffin says ‘the NUS is the perfect vehicle to challenge the ruling elite in this country to improve the dwindling education in this country.’ Duffin’s manifesto indicates his wish to reduce both student numbers and tuition fees, restore grammar schools, accentuate vocational education and establish universal maintenance payments, as students ‘shouldn’t have to work to put food on the table’. Mr Duffin says the ‘Westminster elite’ are strongly opposed to grammar schools, suggesting that the reason for this may be ‘because they want to keep the domination of the highest paid and most powerful jobs to themselves and their children’. Aaron Kiely, the incumbent NUS Black Students’ Officer, wants a ‘fighting NUS’ that will take on ‘the Tories, austerity and racism’. Mr Kiely believes the NUS should be ‘at the heart of the People’s Assembly Against Austerity movement’, The manifesto has appraisals from Labour MP Diane Abbott and columnist Owen Jones. Mr Kiely is the co-founder of the ‘Bring Back EMA’ campaign, a student officer for Unite Against Fascism, and sits on the national committee of the People’s Assembly Against Austerity. Mr Kiely expresses the wish to’turn the NUS

Current NUS President Toni Pearce is hoping to get a second term

total will never be repaid. That is some £16bn to £18bn on the current debt of £46bn, and £70bn to £80bn on the estimated value of student loans by 2042. But we don't have confidence in those figures. We think that the value of student loans never to be repaid could be even higher." The majority of student loans are what is called income-contingent, which means that graduates only make repayments as and when their annual income is above a certain

threshold, which is set close to the mean annual income of all British workers. Any and all income-contingent student debt that is not paid off within 25 years, or upon the graduate’s death, is written off. However, the main focus of the Committee’s report was those graduates that avoid making repayments that they ought to, by either using accounting techniques similar to those used in tax avoidance or moving abroad where the loans are more

Wiki Strategies

Anthony Masters bathimpact Contributor n anti-austerity campaigner, a UKIP activist and the current National Union of Students Black Students’ Officer are to contest incumbent president Toni Pearce for the leadership of the NUS. The elections for its major positions will be held at the NUS 2014 conference in Liverpool. Daniel Cooper is the Vice-President of the University of London Union, and has run a prolific campaign against the closure of the ULU (University of London Union) as well as the higher education cuts. Mr Cooper was recently arrested, for allegedly assaulting a police officer, and his manifesto says he is ‘a socialist standing to amplify grassroots student struggles’, mentioning his personal view of the current running of the NUS. Mr Cooper states that he wishes to tackle the the ‘timidity, management speak and bureaucracy of NUS as it currently exists’. If elected, Mr Cooper seeks to ‘fight the wave of repression against student activists’; demand free education for all; plea ‘Labour ends Tory policies’ and ‘link up leftwing [students’ unions] independently, for a fight in NUS and struggle outside’. The manifesto states the NUS is ‘failing’ to lead ‘a powerful national fightback’, after ‘betraying the 201011 student protests’. Jack Duffin is a prospective UKIP

around”, from “standing on the sidelines” to ‘building a united, fighting opposition that’ll make the government think twice’. Current NUS President Toni Pearce is also running, seeking a second term. Ms Pearce’s manifesto opens: ‘This year we chose to start rebuilding our movement, focusing on the issues that really matter to students.’ A second term promises a General Election strategy for every students’ union, a promise to ‘deliver community organising training’ to campuses and automatic registration to vote upon enrolment. Through mobilisation, Ms Pearce seeks to ‘an end to market driven competition’ in education, a ‘fair pay deal for staff’, ‘a new drive to secure democratic institutions” and protections for international students. A re-election would mean the development of accreditation for student employers, as well as campaigns against student poverty and ‘lad culture’. Whilst Ms Pearce has concentrated on further education issues during her first term, VP Higher Education Rachel Wenstone has picked up university concerns. Ms Wenstone is in her second term, and cannot stand for re-election. The delegates’ choice for Ms Westone’s successor will be between Megan Dunn, the President of Aberdeen University Students’ Association, and Tom Flynn, VP Education at the University of Bristol Union.

Simon O’Kane bathimpact Contributor

he influential Public Accounts Committee (PAC) has alleged that the UK Government is likely to have underestimated the proportion of student loans that will be written off or otherwise never paid back. The Committee’s chairwoman, Labour MP Margaret Hodge, explained: "The Government assumes that 35 per cent to 40 per cent of the

Torindkflt

Student loan write-offs miscalculated difficult to enforce. "The Student Loans Company has not put enough energy into identifying those borrowers who should be making repayments but have slipped out of contact," Ms Hodge alleged. “It knows very little about British graduates who live abroad or about graduates from the EU who have since left the country. Will they ever pay back their loans? The Student Loans Company simply doesn't know." A spokesman for the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills responded, claiming the Department had "an effective and efficient process for collecting student loans through the tax system" that resulted in "high collection rates at a low cost which we believe demonstrates good value for money". However the Department acknowledges there is ‘room for improvement’ regarding graduates who avoided repayments. "We need to ensure that all borrowers who are earning over the relevant repayment threshold are repaying their loans including those who have moved overseas after leaving their course. We are continually improving the collection process for borrowers and we will carefully consider the PAC's recommendations as part of this programme. A new and more accurate forecasting system is also being developed." Rachel Wenstone, vice-president Further Education of the National Union of Students, condemned the

Government: "Forcing debt on to students as a way of paying for universities is an experiment that has well and truly failed. We now need to see serious thought about moving the system away from this unsustainable funding burden. Graduates now stand to pay back twice, through their student loan repayments and as taxpayers confronting the spiralling costs of this ill-considered scheme." The Committee also examined the case for selling the student loan book to private companies, which many students including the current University of Bath SU Officers have been campaigning against. While the report did not condemn the sale, it warns: “The baseline valuation for the sale needs to be determined in advance. The Department must demonstrate that it has a robust understanding of: the realistic value of the student loan book; the long-term cost to the taxpayer of any early sale; and the expected level of competition between bidders and what they might pay for the loan book.” The Public Accounts Committee is one of many sub-committees of the House of Commons. These committees are made up of MPs who specialize in certain policy areas, such as health, defence or the environment. The PAC has a strong reputation for holding the Government and others to account on financial issues, making headlines last year for condemning companies who avoided tax.

Monday 24th February 2014

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On the decline of video gaming game, and I feel the case of the same with books; the limitations on the medium there were about 15-20 years ago really stimulated thought and creativity. Graphics where bad, budgets where limited, and competition was high, so as a result some of the most interesting and lasting titles where created. These include Age of Empires 2, StarCraft, Elderscrolls: Morrowind, Resident Evil, to name a few.

Anthony Masters bathimpact Contributor ne of the recent twists of the English language is the denigration of ‘ideology’, and the castigation of public policies for being ‘ideological’. Archaically, the term ‘ideology’ was used to describe the study of ideas. Now, an ideology refers to ‘a system of ideas and ideals, especially one which forms the basis of economic or political theory and policy’. It is a common refrain to say the coalition government’s economic policies are ‘ideological’. Kevin Maguire of the Daily Mirror says Conservatives have ‘an ideological programme to create a low wage, insecure economy’. George Eaton of the New Statesman said the government had ‘an ideological preference for spending cuts’ and Prime Minister David Cameron’s statements reveal ‘an ideological attachment to the small state’. Labour leader Ed Miliband spoke of the Conservative’s ‘ideological objective’. Angela Eagle MP, who is now Shadow Leader of the House, said a minister “had let the cat out the bag about the ideological agenda”. Polly Toynbee, The Guardian’s procedural polemicist, accused Cameron of ‘taking an ideological blowtorch to any-

thing branded ‘public’.’ In other articles, Toynbee speaks of ‘Cameron’s ideological commissars’, ‘competition ideology’, ‘ideological privacy paranoia’, ‘ideological vandalism’ and ‘clouds of ideology’. In each of these cases, labelling a set of policies as ‘ideological’ connotes intellectual rigidity, empirical blindness and nefarious purposes. The term itself implies none of these qualities – an ideology is simply a system of beliefs and ideas. Undeniably, complaining that a government spending cut is ‘ideological’ is self-contradictory. Saying the current levels of government spending, taxation, services and regulatory powers are correct is an ideological statement. However, this implicit assumption is rarely recognised. It may be claimed that pragmatism exists as an alternative to adamantine ideological principles. The problem with pragmatism – which backs ideas based upon their applicable results – is that people vary in terms of what they believe to ‘work’. Each proposed policy will have its trade-offs. Whilst pragmatism necessitates a cost-benefit analysis, every person has their particular ideas of which trade-offs are acceptable and which are not. Distinct interpretations can come from the same data, representing differing assumptions. Encoded

If you look at the new realises for the X-Box One and Playstation 4, over 50% of new titles are continuations/ remakes of old successful games, including titles such as Thief 4, a reboot of the series which first introduced stealth elements to games such as Splinter Cell and Hitman. The first few Thief games where slow, unforgiving, and tense – and more than anything a true pleasure to play. From its early release footage, the

new game seems to lack most of the atmosphere and enjoyment, and most people agree that it’s not really a Thief game. On its release I will still buy it, as will most people who remember fondly of the original. I will hate myself for it, I probably won’t enjoy it, but part of me still retains some hope that it will be playable. I don’t think all remakes of successful games are terrible; it isn’t necessarily a problem if the game mechanics anna1395

John Barlow bathimpact Contributor o make a completely unqualified statement; video games are not as good as they used to be. I shall attempt to qualify this statement later, however when the last nail enters the coffin you will most probably be left with little else than my opinion, so there’s that. I haven’t truly enjoyed a video game in years; I have been addicted to certain video games for short periods of time, but I certainly haven’t come away with a lasting impression of enjoyment or accomplishment. For some time I thought I had changed, that my cynical old mind of 22 now lacked that certain something required for enjoying things - a mental preparation for the joys of work perhaps. After some thought I don’t believe this is the case, however I came to this surprising conclusion one evening, after sitting down with my usual assortment of snacks, alcohol, and soon-tobe misspent time. Usually I just mindlessly click on a game, detaching my brain from reality and clicking away until I fall asleep but this time I actually thought to myself are any of these games worth playing, sadly the answer was no. If you look at my PC now, it’s full of old titles - ones I loved as a child and even ones I never played when I was young. I think there is something special about an old

Older games like Hitman Blood Money are still held in high regard, because of their originality

progress and they manage to capture the feel of the original. The Legend of Zelda series is a prime example of this, providing quality story and interesting mechanics in each of their new releases. Games today don’t need to be interesting, because graphics and explosions sell titles. This seems to have become a fact most people have become resigned to, however there is a huge resurgence in small independently made titles, most of which are complicated platformers, interesting point and click adventures, or games filled with wacky mechanics. It would seem the average gamer is moving away from large titles to amateur productions, most of which have more in common with games that predate the year 2000 than with today’s market. It doesn’t seem unreasonable to expect that a multimillion pound industry should outperform an individual in the quality of productions produced, but sadly this is the case. Not only are independent game developers more prolific, the releases are also markedly less buggy and content is rarely withheld as DLC. Right now I am happy with my mix of indie and older games; it is much more enjoyable and much cheaper, and I whole-heartedly suggest that anyone who has fallen out of love with gaming dusts off some old titles and tries to remember what gaming is truly about.

Why we should defend ideology A systematic approach to politics yields a more complete series of public policies. Generally, methodical politics also promotes internal consistency. However, some ideologies necessarily include discrepancies: populism produces erratic ideas, only if those ideas have majority support. Without an underlying belief system, single ideas stand orphaned and isolated.

These disconnected ideas may then be gilded from falsification by higher, and potentially unassailable, burdens of proof. The answers to questions of governance should not contradict each other, which they may if sporadic politics is pursued. Pejorative use of term ‘ideological’ is the wail of the vacuous and the chant of the thoughtless. isafmedia

within our favoured trade-offs and interpretations is an ideology, though it may not be explicitly acknowledged. Pragmatism is merely a dusty mirror, dimly reflecting our ideological preferences. Furthermore, ideological principles do not arise from the ether: they are often derived from historical studies and present observations. Ideologies can be derived from empiricism.

David Cameron is one politician who in particular has been criticised for his use of ‘ideology’

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Matters of parliamentary importance Benjamin Butcher bathimpact Contributor lections are around the corner. Elections which will see egotistical representatives stand on unachievable platforms, before being chosen to negotiate with unheard of, unrepresentative, and overly-paid public figures you’ve neither seen nor heard of. No, I’m not talking about Student

Last week saw National European Election Day, a poorly organised attempt to raise awareness that, unsurprisingly, to vote in elections, you need to fill in the various forms in order to do so. As many Bath students will be first time voters in May, this applies to you. If you buy into the Russell Brand ideology that voting is a futile attempt to create a façade of legitimaRalf Roletschek

Union elections, but rather May’s equally important European Parliament one. It might seem peculiar that, with four months to go until the big day which will see every MEP voted in or out, I am already writing a comment piece about this. But with turnout amongst young people barely scratching the 20 per cent mark, it is an important message to raise.

cy to their capitalist ploys (at least, that’s what I think he was getting at) you might have already decided not to take part in the elections. When it comes to our own parliamentary elections, you may well feel disenfranchised by the revolving door of party politics which has established itself. But this time it’s different, I swear. Since the European Parliament is proportional, that means that you can vote for whichever party you want with the genuine chance that candidate might see the light of day in Brussels. Are you for woman’s rights, gay rights, environmental change and international development? Vote Green. Are you certain that your local corner-shop owner is stealing benefits and traditional British values? Vote BNP. However you vote, it counts. The way this Parliament comes together will have many effects on the path Europe takes for the next few years. Not only will its formation send a signal to our national leaders, who have the ability to block major legislation via the Council, it will also help define how the European Commission looks. With the ability to vote on who the new Commission President is, this will define the way the office looks on a number of issues ranging from overseas aid, to human and working rights, to regulation of Europe’s often reckless markets.

The reason we should all be concerned is that the people who know most about what that means are the ones who will vote to change the social and economic progress the European Union has made in the region. UKIP members are expected to turn up in droves, whilst the disinterested (statistically those ranging from 18-35) will be underrepresented. It is a generalised statement to make that young people are liberal, but the fact is many issues such as aid and climate action are at the core of young, social conscience. As a push in the UK emerges to see us removed from the Union, it is important to remember the benefits young people receive from the institutions; freedom of movement, study grants, free health care if we work abroad etc. Student apathy is well accounted for. A ICM report suggested that 18-24 year olds are half as likely to vote as the elderly, something which many account to a belief that polls aren’t the answer. With so much access to online petitions and campaigns and the ability to occasionally ‘like’ a meaningful Facebook post, it might seem like we appear to do more than may appear. The real answer is to have our voices represented in the places that matter, and not simply be out-shouted by those who happen to care a little more passionately.

is coding (and a popular example as it can be taught rapidly). So is implementing an efficient mathematical algorithm in machine code (might need a few more years). So, technically, is drafting this article in a plain text format (Markdown, for any would-be bloggers out there) before converting to the format I send to my editor. So is planning a midnight tryst with

your resident tutor by tapping Morse on the wall. These are different skills, and some have more practical uses than others. Some have more educational value than others. Even the ‘good guys’ are getting in on the act; codeacademy.com is a great tool that half my colleagues have used to get up to speed on Python programming for scientific modelling, but its focus is actually on web technologies. So we turn to the actual problem with Dexter’s performance: she is the director of a scheme that claims to teach ‘coding’ very rapidly and evangelises its educational benefits. But she hasn’t actually taken the classes. Thanks to lazy ambiguity, the “message” is that they intend to spend a day training teachers for years of school lessons... on material that they have never encountered and may find very difficult. My schoolteaching friends do not currently share my enthusiasm for their new responsibilities. If we were shocked by the announcement of a good education policy, we underestimated Gove’s office. The current approach seems to be to bewilder and intimidate teachers and students through courses that may or may not be beneficial. There is a wonderful opportunity here, and still some time to make amends, but the attempts to communicate this are eating themselves.

The problem with code conflation A

a fair attempt to communicate in her much-panned Newsnight scuffle with a barbaric Paxman. In the same segment, BBC presenters demonstrated their superiority by dismissing short, elegant code snippets as “gobbledegook” and “incomprehensible” without challenge. Dexter herself did not help things by conflating essentially

anything entered into a computer as “code”. I get that they are trying to use “code” as a brand for their project, but they are trying to stress the importance of coding by repeatedly using the phrase, devoid of context. Apparently we need people who can code to use code to teach coding to young people so they can code. Designing a website in HTML

Marjan Brebelj

Adam Jackson bathimpact Contributor round two years ago, Education Secretary Michael Gove announced his dissatisfaction with the IT education currently provided in schools, and promised to introduce a new system with real computer science and programming. To borrow an argument from a prominent critic of the Star Wars prequels, this is such an abnormally good idea that I cannot accept that it came from Gove’s office, and have to assume that he probably actively fought against it. Now that details are emerging, it is rather difficult to separate real plans from wild claims and cheap excuses. We are presented with the vision that we are creating a generation of programmers, capable of competing in a fiercely competitive international scene. This is somewhat analogous to claiming that teaching schoolchildren how to handle a tennon saw and wire a plug will lead to a nation of great carpenters and electricians. Not only is the scenario patently absurd; it isn’t even desirable. The real benefit should come from a general engagement with our tools and abilities, taking us from consumers of the magic screen devices back to creative human beings. This was a point that the “Year of Code” director Lottie Dexter made

A lot of issues with talking about coding when all types are confused as being the same as HTML

Monday 24th February 2014

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Antiquated abortion advisory centres UK’s crisis pregnancy counsellors caught offering poor advice

rguably one of the most contentious medical procedures, the matter of abortion probes not only the imperative ethical and moral questions, but puts forward a crucially important politically charged debate. Across the country, hundreds of independent ‘crisis pregnancy centres’ exist, offering women the service to speak to supposedly trained advisors, most of whom share inaccurate information regarding the physical and mental effects of abortion which are not in line with the ofﬁcial advice of associations such as the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, as impermissible video footage revealed by the Telegraph last week found. A covert investigation by the Telegraph found that crisis centre advisors were wrongly telling women that abortions could increase their risk of developing cancer and make them more likely to sexually abuse children, and further frightened women with misinformation regarding the supposedly sharp objects used in the termination process. One young woman was even told that abortion clinics “chop babies up”, and would leave her infertile. Subsequently, Brook, the UK’s largest young people’s sexual health charity, released a report with data compiled between 2012 and 2014 of 33 crisis pregnancy centres giving similar misleading and

medically inaccurate information about pregnancy and abortion. So, why haven’t we heard of these crisis pregnancy centres before? Because to the innocent eye, they bear the same resemblance to standard abortion clinics; the crucial difference being that the latter provides considerate, impartial advice given by appropriately qualified advisors. Many crisis pregnancy centres are run by organisations such as CareConfidential and LIFE, the pro-life charity providing support to anyone facing a ‘crisis pregnancy’. On the other hand, official organisations such as the British Pregnancy Advisory Service (BPAS) offer non-directive and unbiased counselling, with the majority of their patients having the cost of their abortion treatment paid by the NHS. Such organisations assure high standards of clinical care through robust standards and regulations, something which crisis pregnancy centres evade; as independent outlets, they are not regulated by the Department of Health and are thus not obligated to provide women with accurate medical information. At the same time, many argue that women should be offered objective advice, which may not be available in places such as BPAS which carry out terminations, since these clinics are effectively businesses. In 2012, the British Medical Association voted in favour of services for women providing non-directive counselling from

experts unconnected to termination clinics, viewed by pro-life campaigners as a ‘victory for women’. Instead, it has been a victory for pro-life benefactors, since ‘non-directive advice’ separate from clinics is found in many of these crisis pregnancy centres which hold an anti-abortion agenda of their own; CareConﬁdential is a prime example of an independent advisory service which runs the majority of crisis pregnancy centres. It does not explicitly align to being a pro-life or pro-choice organisation, yet it was founded as a programme of the pro-life organisation Christian Action Research and Education. A crucial problem is that many women ﬁnd out about crisis preg-

nancy centres through local or internet advertisements, mistakenly assuming that advisors can arrange terminations for them. This is usually not the case and the process is irresponsibly delayed as women are under the wrong impression that crisis pregnancy centres are abortion clinics offering both the service and impartial advice. In September, the Advertising Standards Authority had to ban an advert by a crisis pregnancy centre, the Central London Women’s Centre, as it visibly misinformed women into thinking that the centre offered terminations and was therefore a clinic. One of the identiﬁed crisis pregnancy centres in the UK can be found

in Bath. LIFE Care Centre Bath is located within Queen Square, and claims to offer non-directive counselling. For women seeking pregnancy and abortion advice at a crucial time, an alternative might be BPAS Bath which can be found in the Riverside Health Centre, James Street West. It is imperative that in such times of crisis, as vulnerable young women we do not allow ill-equipped ‘advisors’ to misinform and inﬂuence our right and choice to all pregnancy options equally; the best outcome of unplanned pregnancy will occur only if we are able to make an actively informed decision, something which pro-life backed crisis pregnancy centres fundamentally cannot facilitate.

TipsTimesAdmin

Marral Shamshiri bathimpact Contributor

Like giraffes to the slaughter ‘Are some animals worth more than others?’ asks Adam Fazackerley

onsiderable concern has been voiced of late following news that Copenhagen Zoo would be killing one of their spotted quadrupeds. The reasoning behind the eventual slaughter of Marius the giraffe was the waning genetic diversity of the

zoo’s resident herd. As a member of the European Association of Zoos and Aquaria, Copenhagen Zoo is amongst 300 other institutions that are subject to rules on inbreeding, designed to prevent the propagation of bad genes. Just recently six lions were de-

Anti-FGM campaign Sally Williamson Bath SU Community Ofﬁcer Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) is something that even the most optimistic/naive of us cannot ignore - to the extent that a double page spread on it appeared in this month’s Cosmo. FGM is the act of removing the genitalia of young girls, often without anaesthesia. While it is most practised in

cultures in Africa and is illegal under British law, there are an estimated 66,000 victims in the United Kingdom; and yet no one has ever been prosecuted. Campaigns to challenge this in the UK are gathering speed, with an e-petition considered by the Home Ofﬁce (resulting in NSPCC guidance and a heightened awareness of the issue, though no solid action as of yet) and a change.org petition encouraging greater education on the subject in schools. The Guardian has a compilation of information on their campaign here: http:// www.theguardian.com/end-fgm 24,000 girls are estimated to be at risk of FGM in the UK, with no one talking about it, and no one preventing it. There are plenty of petitions online now - the best thing you can do is give them your signature and help raise awareness of this issue.

stroyed at Longleat Safari Park, Wiltshire, following increased aggressive behaviour attributed to a badly managed genetic history. This serves as an illustration of the importance of rules, like those of the EAZA, that mitigate the negative effects that arise from creating unnatural conditions. Optimising the health of future generations is a responsible countermeasure which should be condoned; equally, zoos should be called out on their willingness to take the lives of animals for which they are responsible. But, have we missed the bigger point; why do we hold animals captive and monetise their existence for entertainment in the first place? This question brings to mind Knut the polar bear; born into captivity in Berlin and gaining celebrity status last decade, it was believed that during his tenure he produced five million euro in ticket revenue alone. His existence, however, although adored by many and profitable for a few, began with rejection by his mother and ended with behaviour indicative of reliance upon human attention. This question begins to peel away the façade of zoos; a result of a human curiosity in the exotic and the wonderful, they

provide us with the opportunity to gawk at something we would otherwise never get the chance to see. But the fact is that the denaturalisation of an animal that occurs in captivity removes what made it appealing in the first place and, rightfully, leaves a bad taste in the mouth. The real issue at hand is that we can’t stomach the reality that,

“

The denaturalisation of an animal that occurs in captivity removes what made it appealing in the ﬁrst place

”

through monetising animals, we give our tacit consent to the relegation of animals to product status. Animals are bought, sold and killed for our benefit and, to our dismay, we are occasionally reminded of this. The examples of Marius, Longleats’ lions, and Knut pale in comparison to the meat industry, in which the majority of us are complicit. Is there

any real distinction between the two? A giraffe’s death sees indignation appear in full force, but as we heat up our Rustlers burger, who gives a shit? This absent minded hypocrisy is reinforced when the media takes hold, it buttresses the false moral distinctions we make between nutrition and pets and perpetuates the ignorance from which those distinctions tend to spring. Such a lack of informed discourse condemns animals to intermittent and varying support according to whether Disney did ‘that film about a talking panda last year’, or ‘you were chased by a cow that one time’. The combination of morality and economics is where the true root of this debate lies; it’s a question of what standards we hold ourselves to when taking responsibility for an animal’s life for our own benefit. Instead of solving the problems associated with balancing a sustainable business model with the well-being of animals, we distract ourselves with red herrings, such as the public dissection or the fact the remains were fed to the zoos’ various big cats, and kid ourselves that the meat we eat isn’t part of the same moral question.

Monday 24th February 2014

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Judge summons Mormon leader Sophie Sachrajda bathimpact Contributor

are descended from a line of ancient near-east Israelites and that Adam and Eve lived 6,000 years ago. It also highlights as false the teaching that states that the Book of Mormon was “translated from ancient gold plates by Joseph Smith… is the most correct book on Earth and is a historical record”. Phillips, who once held positions within the LDS Church as bishop and executive secretary, argues that the fact that the Church asks its followers to make financial contributions at the same time as promoting theological

Brian Tibbets

homas Monson, the head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS), has received a summons from the British Magistrates’ court that alleges that the Mormon Church’s doctrines about mankind amount to fraud. District Judge Elizabeth Roscoe signed the formal summons that requires Mr Monson to appear at Westminster Magistrates’ Court for a hearing on 14th March in order to defend some of the Church’s teach-

ings regarding the origins of Native Americans and Adam and Eve. The document advises Thomas Monson, who is considered by Mormons to be God’s prophet on Earth , that failure to attend the hearing could result in a warrant for his arrest. The fraud charges were filed in a private prosecution attempt by exMormon Tom Phillips and state that key doctrines of the LDS faith are false and are being used to secure financial contributions from church members. The main teachings listed in the document are that Native Americans

Thomas Monson, 86, has been President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints since 2008

tenets that may be considered ‘untrue or misleading’ could be considered a breach of the Fraud Act of 2006, which prohibits false representations which are used to secure a profit. His website Mormonthink, which critiques the Church’s teaching and doctrine, explains that Mormons are required to pay a tithe that is equivalent to ‘one tenth of their interest annually’ to the church and that ‘only fulltithe paying members are allowed to enter the Church’s most holy place.’ The summons has been issued under legal procedures that are rarely used, wherein people who feel they have evidence that someone has committed a criminal offence can ask a court to put together a summons in order for an official hearing to be organised. In 2009, similar procedures were used to issue an arrest warrant against the Israeli justice minister Tzipi Livni on the request of a Palestinian activist and caused a diplomatic incident on an international scale. The Mormon Church has spoken out against the contents of the summons and has implied that Mr Monson will not be making plans to travel from Utah to the UK for the hearing. Eric Hawkins, the Church’s public affairs director for Europe has said that the document is simply seeking to “draw attention to an individual’s personal grievance or embarrass Church leaders”. Furthermore, the document has

also sparked controversy within British media, as it is perhaps one of the most unusual summonses ever to have been issued by a British court. British solicitor Harvey Kass has referred to the document as “bizarre”, saying that he “can’t imagine how it got through the court process” and that in his opinion “it would be set aside within 10 seconds”. This bewilderment among legal scholars in England is due to the fact that British law normally impedes challenges to theological beliefs within secular hearings. Former crown prosecutor and author on religious freedom Neil Addison has said that he is shocked by the document and said that he thinks “British courts will recoil in horror” adding: “this is just using the law to make a show, an anti-Mormon point”. However, the fact that the British legal system is openly questioning the authenticity of a church’s doctrine and the way that it acquires financial contributions from its members could be considered a positive step towards an improvement in the transparency and honesty of certain churches. Perhaps it will have an impact on the way other branches of Christianity and other religions present their teachings and help those in society who are sceptical about the way that religious organisations conduct themselves financially to feel confident that no fraudulent activity is taking place.

International aid, when done properly, works. It helps educate the farmer to cultivate better produce, and it builds the roads on which he drives to market. It keeps his workers healthy so productivity remains high. It helps give houses and dignity to the city-dwellers who pack the goods and helps fund energy projects to keep the factory lit. All of that, believe it or not, makes everything a lot cheaper when we eat that banana or mango. David Cameron, love him or hate him, has lost a lot of political will to defend Britain’s contribution to international aid, which is just short

of our international obligations of 0.7 per cent of GDP. He is right to push aside the ignorant pleas to eliminate it. The flooding will, despite my cynicism, see difficult times ahead for its victims, but just like removing our military budget would be irresponsible, the same goes for foreign aid; they both serve important international, securityrelated functions. So, within all this mess, a few truths stand. The flooding will stop; there is no threat of societal breakdown; and, come summer, my alpacas will be dry again.

Diverting aid budget to flood relief B

en, the alpacas had a bit of a fright today” says my mum on the phone whilst fighting back tears, “Their field flooded. We managed to move them to higher ground, but they’re very upset.” “And what about the chickens, Mum?” I ask dryly. “Soaking” she replies. “Poverty really does begin at home, doesn’t it Mum” I say, before hanging up the phone. The next day and Britain’s papers are in full apocalypse mode. In Somerset, the Daily Mail found a man grieving over the imminent loss of his prized koi carp collection; possibly the first casualties of many. Meanwhile, in the Home Counties, the army had been sent in to construct flimsy looking sandbag walls, whilst residents took the opportunity of a break to pose arms-crossed for local tabloids before spieling off a well-rehearsed line blaming David Cameron, as well as Labour (and sometimes immigrants), for the weather. With the papers working so hard to present the crisis as a humanitarian disaster, it comes as little surprise that their readers soon started wondering why the government weren’t doing the same. Oxfam, who are currently working hard to rehome the 4.4 million Filipinos misplaced by Ty-

phoon Haiyan, were even forced to release the statement: “if our help were needed, we’d be there”. But this lacklustre response was not enough for the Daily Mail who within the blink of an eye, had uploaded to their website a petition demanding that the government cut enough money from the ‘ringfenced’ international aid budget to serve the poor of our embattled nation. The root of their problem with the aid budget is its apparent wastefulness. The Daily Mail has – perhaps rightly – scrutinised why countries like China and India, both of whom have space projects, are still receiving aid. But, equally, its coverage of the budget demonstrated a certain lack of empathy. In a list labelled ‘vanity projects’, it bemoaned how we spend £42.5m aiding flood victims in Pakistan. That is the same Pakistan where 2000 people died in 2010 from flooding, with economic damage reaching £25bn. It even included a picture of a ‘scrounging’ flood victim, water up to his neck, desperately clinging to a jar labelled ‘drinking water’. Of course, the cynics amongst us might claim that this has nothing to do with helping Brits in need. Cameron has already promised that ‘money is no object in this relief effort’, but the campaign continued despite the Prime Minister’s claim that both funds could be paid for. If the Mail fails to find sympathy for those forced into a recurring pat-

tern of poverty by institutionalised inequalities, it might be deemed hypocritical to pity those who have knowingly built houses on floodplains. The message most likely comes from a paper, dangerously pushing a nationalistic, populist agenda which aims to reinforce the confused opinions of middle-England. Their ideals are isolationist ones whereby Britannia rules the waves (unless they’re crashing into the English coastline), but in reality completely misunderstand the complexities of the world we live in.

Heinrichs_FJ

Benjamin Butcher bathimpact Contributor

Whilst frightened, Ben’s alpacas have born the floods with more stoicism than the right-wing press

Monday 24th February 2014

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Barclays in hot water over bank bonuses! Bankdue to raise bonuses in spite of public outcry and EU legislation

Shortly after the press conference, Barclays’ share prices soared by 9 per cent. Yet, almost exactly a year later, news that Barclays that it will be raising bonuses by 10 per cent to £2.4 billion has met with widespread anger and resentment, and its share prices have dropped by 4 per cent. This anger stems partly from the fact that Barclays is increasing its already extravagant bonuses during a year when it has announced that it will be cutting 12,000 jobs (nearly 9 per cent of its total workforce), including 7,000 employees in the UK. “Today Barclays has stuck two ﬁngers up to hard-pressed families across Britain by announcing another multi-billion pound bonus pool” said Frances O’Grady, General Secretary of the Trades Union Congress. Barclays has been accused of paying little heed to its past crises, and continuing to encourage a culture of excessive bonuses as rewards for unnecessary risk-taking, despite making promises to the contrary. At present, Barclays’ compensation for investment bankers works out at an average of more than £60,000 per employee. This has attracted the ire of the European Commission, which has been trying to limit the amount

that can be paid out to bankers as bonuses, in an attempt to curb dangerous risk-taking patterns. The Commission also feels that British banks, including Barclays and HSBC, are adopting alternative arrangements such as ‘variable allowances’ to circumvent the rules regarding bonus pay-out. Others have sought to question the very purpose of the bank, demanding to know exactly whom the current structure beneﬁts. Roger Barker, of the Institute of Directors, brusquely posed the

question “for whom is this institution being run? It cannot be right in any business for the executive bonus pool to be nearly three times bigger than the total dividend pay out to the company’s owners”. In a more discreet move, Andrew Tyrie, chairman of the Treasury Select Committee, has advised Barclays’ shareholders to ask if the increase in bonuses was justiﬁed, given the bank’s returns to shareholders. However, Anthony Jenkins defended his decision by insisting

that he acted with the shareholder in mind. “We employ people from Singapore to San Francisco, we compete in global markets for talent. And if we’re acting in the best interests of our shareholders, we have to make sure we have the best people in the ﬁrm” he explained. In a seeming contradiction to Jenkins statement, dividends issued by the bank have dropped from £800 million in 2013, to only £700 million in 2014, and the bank’s proﬁt has also slumped in the past year.

life and liberty of someone else, why shouldn’t you be allowed to deﬁne your own happiness? Are those two guys kissing? Who cares? If a friend wants to go dogging, why is that my business? So I’ve established that John Stuart Mill is wrong. Perhaps there is a different science which better assures maximum gains without so obtrusively thrusting moral values on me. In business, proﬁt can be seen as happiness, and – with the exception of those hipster ‘start-ups’ based on ‘giving back to the planet’ or whatever it is they believe – the moral

playing ﬁeld on how best to achieve happiness is blurred at best. Take the Enron scandal. When the chief executives of a poorly constructed, built-to-fail business noted that the collapse of their empire was imminent, they immediately sold all their stocks for the highest possible price. Happiness was gained for those who reached for it, regardless of what Mill would call morally shaky ground. My decisions shouldn’t be based on what makes other people happy, but what will make me, ‘the individual’, most pleased. Happiness is

a ‘maximum gains’ industry; something we achieve in the marketplace of ideology, whether it involves us lying, deceiving or manipulating others. But then, as I pick up my coat to leave, I think that maybe the economic model is undermined by that ceaseless throb that beats somewhere about my stomach: empathy. Perhaps this is the great thing regulating this ‘happiness market’, not only in the individual, but also many companies who have taken on the challenge of Corporate Social Responsibility; another illogical

anomaly which economics does not account for. I always do things to make those around me happy, gaining pleasure in return; that time I helped that guy pick his books off the floor; or when I pretended to quit smoking to give my mum peace of mind. Perhaps, as Joey Tribbiani once stated, there is ‘no selfless good deed’, because empathy allows us to gain happiness this way. Even if personally we have to suffer and fight a little, happiness can be found through tribulation. Brands often do this; spending millions on compassionate campaigns, suffering losses before finally reaping the rewards from the public, overwhelmed by the companies’ ‘moral righteousness’. Think CocaCola’s decision to curb land-grabs, or the pharmaceutical industry’s copious campaigns to supply basic healthcare in the developing world. And so, as I leave the bar, suitably intoxicated, I think that maybe it’s not me. Maybe it’s the structural cage that inhibits or judges many of our personal ‘happy spots’. Perhaps we can learn from capitalism and see further deregulation of our national moral compass. The result would be more happiness. As I lie I my pillow, I keep reciting “it’s not your fault” to myself until I fall asleep.

Nigel Chadwick

Vishala Ramswami bathimpact Contributor arclays Plc, the third largest bank in Britain, recently announced that it would be raising bonuses during a time of drastic job cuts and cost-saving. This news was met with a nearly unanimous negative reaction, despite the bank’s defence that it needs to pay competitive bonuses to attract the best talent from around the globe. Anthony Jenkins, the new Group Chief Executive of Barclays, stepped into the position after his predecessor resigned over the LIBOR rates manipulation controversy. He vowed to bring about drastic improvements in the bank’s working culture, and to stop rewarding unethical risktaking. In February 2013, he revealed a plan to reform the bank and to implement strategic costcutting to strengthen its balance sheet. Jenkins insisted that he would link pay and bonuses to the bank’s newly inaugurated values of ‘Respect, Integrity, Service, Excellence and Stewardship’, and that there would be no returning to the old ways. “We never want to be in a position again of rewarding people for activity that’s inconsistent with our values,” he promised.

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t’s Friday night which means only one thing in the cesspit otherwise known as Brussels. Some dreary bar, an endless glass of beer and conversation focused on the depressing monotony that is life. It’s easy in a place like Belgium to feel conﬁned, but I think that maybe there is something else fundamentally ﬂawed about the way I perceive those boundaries which often get in the way of what I believe has the potential to be genuine happiness. My mind obviously tries to suss out how economics can help ease my decision, but not before mulling over some political philosophy. John Stuart Mill, a student and legend in utilitarian thinking, was pretty clear about how actions should be decided: “Actions”, he said “are right in proportion as they tend to promote happiness”. The best bit is that once we discover our ‘happy place’, we will never be truly relieved until we have cultivated it; this might explain a few of my more peculiar traits. But Mill stops short of saying we should live in a society which pits personal pleasure against objective morality. Instead, morality is based around what makes the greatest amount of people happy. Morality should be subjective. As long as you are not harming the

DVIDSHUB

EconomicsHappiness of

Monday 24th February 2014

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look around Pedro Gomes bathimpact Photograpy Editor

othing is more compelling in photography than street photography. Not only is a very complex practice that involves social engagement with strangers it also involves being able to predict and capture moments very quickly.

Most importantly it focuses on capturing the essence of the human condition. The quotidian, which becomes so mechanical and mundane. Yet we can all look at street photographs and relate to them. It is something that is part of us. For a photographer, there is always something that will catch the eye even if small.

Photography by Pedro Gomes

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Photography by Pedro Gomes

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Population and long-term sustainability Planetary resource consumption is rising at an untenable rate Holly Narey Editor-in-Chief y ﬁrst encounter with the concept of potentially catastrophic human population growth was through the conﬂicting work of Thomas Malthus and Ester Boserup, with whom I’m sure you are familiar. It has since transpired that many of Malthus’ fears of agricultural output falling behind

However, as the years go by and our planet becomes more unpredictable, with the population still increasing as our resources deplete, we must ask ourselves a tough question – what exactly are we willing to give up? The moment I was born, I became the 5,324,264,511th resident of the planet, give or take a few. I like it here and would like to remain here as long as I can. Every four days, another mil-

NASA

increases in human population, eventually leading to global tragedy and huge loss of human life, have thus far not been realised. This is mostly due to increases in agricultural efﬁciency and our wonderful ability as humans to engineer our way out of most scrapes, which has appeared to have kept most of us away from situations that would dramatically change our way of life (as Boserup predicted).

If world resource consumption matched that of the UK, we would need a planet the size of Neptune

lion people enter the world, which is enough to ﬁll a sizeable city. Each of these new people will have aspirations to live life in a state of freedom where they are able to use resources as they please, as most of us do now. It is thought that the world’s population will plateau at around 11 billion, which some have heralded as a positive thing, especially in combination with the projected reduction in the percentage of the global population that will live in extreme poverty (currently around a billion). This is, however, a double-edged sword of ethical ambiguity whereby we improve quality of life for those that doubtlessly deserve it, at the cost of our natural resources and the health of our world. The WWF Footprint Calculator informs me that if the whole planet lived as I do, as an environmentallyconscious vegetarian, who does not drive a car or ride a motorbike (a character proﬁle I consider to be at least modestly sustainable), then we would still need almost two planets to support my greed for resource consumption. The average consumption for the United Kingdom would require the resources of three planets. If it weren’t for the global poor being unable to access or afford these resources, the many environmental and social impacts of our burgeoning population would be more clearly seen

and more closely felt, and we would already be facing disasters that we are currently sleepwalking towards. There are many possible methods that would allow us to assuage the effects of the global population crisis, to slow the increase and simultaneously improve the quality of life to those already alive and living a daily reality of hunger and poverty. A key, growing solution is through the education of women. Where access to family planning is improved and social views on the concept of female choice when it comes to sex and having children are changed to empower, rather than oppress women, birth rates and child mortality are seen to decrease, while economies become stronger. A dramatic example of this can be seen in Ethiopia, which has an overall fertility rate of 5.4 live births per woman. Those with no education have an average of 6.1 children, primary-educated women have 5.1, and a secondary education or higher reduces the average to 2.0 children, a striking decrease. It is a simple, progressive and logical change that is being seen all over the world, and is one that shall be perpetuated with increased global awareness. In a world where historically men have shaped the path of mankind, it is in the hands of women, and society’s attitude to women, that the future of the planet lies.

diabetes, long-term depression, lupus and even smoking addiction. Scientists are still unsure whether Neanderthals actually suffered from these illnesses or if the genes in question only come into effect when transplanted into the modern human genetic background. More in-depth studies of the Neanderthal genome will be required to solve these kinds of questions. What about the regions of the modern human genome that do not carry any Neanderthal DNA? Such regions most likely came about as certain Neanderthal genes inserted in the modern human genome had such harmful effects on the offspring of modern human-Neanderthal pairings that they did not survive. These

regions mostly encompass genes that are speciﬁcally expressed in testes and on the female sex chromosome. This may suggest that some modern human-Neanderthal hybrids had reduced fertility and in some cases were sterile. It probably did not take a lot of individual hybrid offspring to introduce the Neanderthal genes into early modern human populations, but it is still not known how many Neanderthal ancestors present-day humans have. What exactly lead to the disappearance of the Neanderthal population is still not fully understood. However, their legacy lives on in present-day modern humans, Homo sapiens sapiens.

ear Professor Science,

If in human evolution at one point there were several species living in Europe at the same time, how much do we have in common and where did the others go? – Joachim

Dear Joachim, When the ancestors of the modern human ﬁrst migrated out of Africa around 60,000 years ago, they were not alone. In fact, other human species had already conquered Europe and Asia – Neanderthals and the little known Denisovans. Neanderthals, Denisovans and modern humans all share a common ancestor in the ancient human Homo heidelbergensis. Between 300,000 and 400,000 years ago, one group of Homo heildelbergensis developed a thirst for adventure and left Africa. This group split shortly after, one branch venturing into West Asia and Europe and the other moving east. The European group eventually became the Neanderthals. By 130,000 years ago, the African Homo heidelbergensis had become the modern human Homo sapiens, and eventually they too ventured out of Africa. Previously, scientists thought that the modern human came swooping into Europe from Africa and brought doom over the current residents, the Neanderthals. It was thought that these two groups did

not mix at all. However, extensive genome studies revealed that the modern human was not just at war with its evolutionary cousin Homo neanderthalensis, but there were some young men and women in love, which resulted in ‘hybrid’ children. So, unlike previously thought, the Neanderthal legacy lived on in the modern human even after their extinction around 30,000 to 45,000 years ago. Perhaps the Neanderthal lineage disappeared because it was absorbed into the much larger modern human population. Actually, between two and four per cent of genetic blue-print of present-day nonAfricans came from Neanderthals. Of course, as their ancestors did not migrate through Europe and did not mix with Neanderthals, indigenous sub-Saharan Africans have no Neanderthal DNA. Until now, we did not know what this Neanderthal DNA did and whether there were any implications to human health. Recently, scientists have found that the modern human might have gained a great number of gene variants involved in health and disease from their love affairs with their evolutionary cousins. Scientists screened over 1000 genomes of modern humans, compared this data to the Neanderthal genome and were able to identify regions that carry the Neanderthal versions of different genes. In doing so, they have found that Neanderthal DNA is not uniformly distributed across the human genome, but rather appears in

clusters. One such cluster affects skin and hair. Perhaps, mixing with the Neanderthals allowed modern humans to adapt more rapidly to the new, cooler environment they encountered in Europe. When the two populations met, Neanderthals had already been living under these conditions for some hundred thousands of years. Passing on genes for keratin ﬁlaments, that give skin and hair more toughness, may have helped the newcomers build thicker insulation against the cold conditions. Other gene variants modern humans gained from their evolutionary cousins include genes inﬂuencing human health, such as markers that increase the risk of developing type 2

Darius N

Professor Science - Neanderthals D

Monday 24th February 2014

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Is capitalism a form of slavery? Linden Watts bathimpact Contributor ociology is a bastard of a degree because you start thinking about power structures in every aspect of your life. ‘12 Years a Slave’ is a fairly popular film (and it should be, go see it), despite its unflinching portrayal of the horrors of slavery. So when I left with the niggling concern that my judgement of historic southern US society was uncomfortably similar to my thoughts on contemporary international capitalism, now was perhaps the time to write my first bathimpact feature. Some of the most effective scenes in the film juxtapose the sound of slaves suffering against images of the plantation class at play indoors – all flirting smiles and lavish dress. The effect is as disorienting as intended: how can they luxuriate while so many suffer? How can they justify imprisoning entire races of people in squalor and intensive work-regimes, to justify a life of niceties and leisure? Few individuals revel in the system; most accept it as the natural order, and turn a blind eye to individual suffering. Even the slaves are so fearful they rarely defend one another. Unfortunately, this is still happening: just on a larger scale, and comfortably out of sight. When thinking about the exploitation and genocides that mar history, it’s important to remember that the populations permitting and supporting these systems were not pathological, insane, or evil. They were just like you and me, and it is entirely possible that future generations will look back upon us in disgust. Thanks to international news agencies and the internet, we’re all aware by this point of the awful conditions and starvation wages that fund the luxury that we refer to as ‘daily life’. Your food, clothes and electronics owe a considerable debt to the systematic exploitation of entire populations. This is not to say we’d be impoverished without – the entire system is unnecessary, cheapening goods just enough to keep us

That’s a quarter of the UK’s minimum wage (£6.31 an hour): a minimum wage criticised for not being enough to live on. How do you survive on £1.66 an hour? You’re certainly frugal, but still have to work 60 hour weeks. Feel pooped from an ‘overtime’ 8-hour day in the UK? Now work two more hours. But you’ve had no breaks and little interaction (except short unpaid lunch). You’re under strict supervision, on a fast-moving production line, in toxic and dangerous conditions. Now do that for six days straight, before your one day off. After all that, you’ve earned £99.40 for the week. A UK shelfstacker can earn more than that on a Sunday shift. That pay isn’t just for your daily sustenance – with no social security, you need to contribute to support elderly parents or younger siblings/children at home or to go to school. Need healthcare? Hopefully you scraped together some savings, because if you don’t you’ll need a loan shark, cutting a chunk out of your future earnings. As a low-skilled worker born to a poor background, you have few other employment options. Travel and education are expensive, and no guarantee of escape or survival. Your freedoms are limited by government diktat, corrupt local bureaucracy and corporate henchmen. You get 5-10 days annual leave, compared to the UK minimum of 28. You can forget about paid annual/sick/maternity leave, or a pension scheme. The fruits of your labour largely end up on rubbish dumps within a year or two. If promotion is possible, there’s certainly no reason selection must be fair. Dare cause a fuss? Maybe you’ll just disappear. Unfairly fired? No legal aid or impartial tribunals to help you. Maybe escape through gambling and/or drug addiction, like a rising number in developing countries. The World Bank designates China as an ‘upper-middle income’ country – for example its GNI per capita is seven times that of Bangladesh. So the situation described above is actually worse for most of the 83 per cent of world population not living in ‘high income’ countries. News of factory fires in Bangladesh have become disturbingly regular, a particularly bad one in 2012 killing more than 100 workers because factory overseers kept the fire escapes locked to prevent truancy. This is no fantasy; this is life for many working adults on

our planet. Life-shortening work regimes, suicides, burning alive: is this worth cheap clothes, a new smartphone every year or so much food, 63 per cent of UK adults are overweight? A key neoliberal argument in response is that countries should be grateful for any income we drip-feed them. I see three rational issues, beyond my own emotional response; One, cheap labour is justified to compete against our strong Western economies, but much of this strength stems from centuries of colonialist pillaging – we should arguably be compensating many countries, heavily. Two, lower wages and less perks may be necessary, but not to that extent – inequality is even worse in developing countries than our ‘burnthe-1-per-cent!’ West, indicating that the money is there were not so much of it siphoned to the top. Third, this strategy reduces absolute poverty incredibly slowly and inhumanely, and the idea that fairer treatment would reverse this trend is a fallacy. Furthermore, many bilateral trade agreements condemn nations to develop only so far. Attributing blame exclusively to companies or governments ignores the economic pressures that make human suffering seem a necessity to them. But the economy is not an autonomous, invisible hand to which

about 25 per cent, as a result of negative publicity in 2012 (to think it was worse before…) Things aren’t improving fast enough by any means though, and there are many ways we can help. Obviously I’d celebrate anyone joining the interest groups that campaign on these issues, but even I haven’t done that thanks to my other, far more superficial extra-curricular activities. Easier to do is to research these issues in your own time (maybe some coursework procrastination?) – it can take ten minutes to double your

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It should be normal in the internet age to spend five minutes researching the brands

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understanding. Ethical shopping and Fairtrade is perceived as a left-wing-Guardianreader lifestyle choice. Isn’t that a sad condemnation of our moral state, that fair treatment of other humans is seen as just another option beside ten per cent cheaper ones? It should be normal in the internet age to spend five minutes researching the brands and shops we use – whether through Google, corporatecritic.org, ethicalconsumer.org, or others. I’m not asking for a drastic revolution in your consumer behaviour necessarily: any improvement is worthwhile, just be sure you’re doing the best you can. And spread the word. By discussing these issues, and setting something of an example, you can affect a handful more people, who can affect a handful themselves, and so on. This is how all change happens. Don’t worry if it’s uncool, or killjoy, or difficult – this is a bigger problem than that. Most people will respect your concern: it’s pretty hard to judge someone for caring isn’t it?

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sweet when most of the money is siphoned off to the shareholding class. So how can this be slavery when workers earn a wage? Money is only as valuable as the resources it can buy, and slaves received resources; (usually) just enough food, shelter, clothing and healthcare to keep them working, which is still less than you’d imagine. Today’s corporations palm off meagre wages instead. Imagine you’re a worker at Foxconn, China, manufacturing consumer electronics for export. You’ve worked there a few years and have graduated to a higher wage. You earn the equivalent of £1.66 an hour.

sammisreachers

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Your food, clothes and electronics owe a considerable debt to systematic exploitation

weimar

we must bow. Yes, it is nudged by the ideas and interests of economists and business, but it is overwhelmingly shaped by our consumer behaviours, and therefore we bear all the blame. This isn’t a nice fact, it certainly doesn’t encourage us to keep spending, and it based in the fact that corporations conceal what economists call ‘information asymmetry’ to legitimate their behaviour. We don’t know all the facts behind our purchases and largely can’t be assed to find out, so they can get away with anything. By purchasing goods, we support the behaviour of companies from whom we buy. And the funny thing is (ask any recent flood victim) that many of these goods actually contribute jack shit to our fundamental wellbeing. This can all seem a bit overwhelming, and when I’m pitting the spoiled lifestyles we already whinge about against the lives of people we’ll never meet, it’s tempting to just forget about it all. I’m not asking you to be consumed with guilt every second of the day; we were born into this system, and many people other than yourself support it. But at the same time, to turn a blind eye to the issue or to call it pointless/dull, is to dissociate from humanity. I’m writing about this in the student newspaper not only because many will have seen the aforementioned film recently, but because we’re all going through a period of great change and now’s a great time to develop good habits. Furthermore, a lot of unethical consumer behaviour is justified by being short on money; soon many of us will be earning, and those behaviours shouldn’t stick as habits. First, stay positive – the efforts of some journalists, activists, academics, politicians and businesses are actually slowly improving things. For instance, think how much more ubiquitous Fairtrade foods are now than 15 years ago? The Foxconn salary I described above was actually the result of two recent raises, each

Monday 24th February 2014

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Kerry’s peace process conundrum

e are the members of the Congress of the people, the representatives of the Hebrew Settlement, and the Zionist movement. Today is the day that the British Mandate Ends” – this was the statement made in the Declaration of Jewish Independence in 1947, and that was the day the chaos started. The Israel-Palestine conflict has been ongoing since 1947, and until now a real solution to the conflict has not been realistic. Many were sceptical of United States Secretary of State John Kerry’s aims, when he outlined his goal of brokering a deal between the two regions. Thus far, however, he has proven those sceptics wrong. Acting as a mediator between Netanyahu’s Israeli Government and the Fatah Party in Palestine, Kerry has re-sparked lost negotiations. After a three year-long break, he has successfully brought the two parties together over ten times from July to December 2013 and has proclaimed an entrance into an ‘initial phase’ of negotiations as part of a greater ‘Framework Agreement’. The US authored agreement attempts to set the parameters for further negotiations, in hope of reaching a compromise. By tackling the root causes of the crisis, such as issues of borders on the basis of 1967, refugee management, security, the common problem of Jerusalem as a religious capital for both states, and Arab recognition of Israel, Kerry hopes to

create ‘two states for two peoples’. “There’s no solution by using military power… [this is] a critical time to stand up in support of a two-state solution”, said Amram Mitzna, the founder of ‘J Street’ and a former Israeli General. But despite the optimism portrayed by Mr Mitzna, it is difficult to agree with him, and prospects for future progress look bleak. Kerry faces a number of obstacles. Firstly, he must pacify the mutual distrust between the two regions which has grown deep over years of conflict. Both Hamas and Netanyahu’s Likud Party have not welcomed Kerry’s proposals, suggesting that the framework agreement is more a hijacked attempt by US authorities than a mutual desire between the two states. The Pew Survey of Israelis and Palestinians similarly reported that, whilst there is support for a peace deal, there is declining support for the suggested two state solution. Secondly, amongst Palestinians there is an increasing concern that this plan is simply a smokescreen for Israeli imperialism: this sentiment stems from actions under the Oslo Peace Process in 1993. Bill Clinton had celebrated the Oslo Accords as ‘an extraordinary act in one of history’s defining dramas’. Unfortunately, the handshake between Yasser Arafat and Yitzhak Rabin on the Whitehouse Lawn which symbolised a peace was not reflected on home grounds. From 1993 to 2000, Israeli settlements doubled in size, 740 Palestinian homes were

demolished and 60 per cent of the West Bank remained under Israel’s military and civilian control. This memory of the last peace process is well recollected by Palestinians, and for this reason, despite a desire for peace, many are fearful to accept it. If Kerry’s aims are to be achieved he must provide insurance to his claims. Lastly, there is no guarantee that a two state solution is the right solution. In June 2005, Israel withdrew from Gaza completely, and land

with regard to freedom of movement and thus may pose a threat to Switzerland’s relationship with the Single Market. Despite Switzerland’s independence from the EU, as well as the European Economic Area, the Swiss government has adopted a large proportion of EU policy. Prior to the referendum, Switzerland’s bilateral

agreements with the EU gave the country access to the Single Market. Over half of Swiss exports went to the EU in 2012, and 75 per cent of its imports came from within the 28-member organisation, making the EU Switzerland’s largest trading partner. However, in entering the internal market, Switzerland must abide by the so-called ‘Four Freedoms’ of movement which remain at the core of EU policy. One of these is the freedom of movement of people. Hundreds of thousands of EU citizens currently live and work in Switzerland, whilst almost half a million Swiss nationals live and work within the EU. Switzerland’s system of direct democracy has made it impossible for the Swiss government to contradict the will of the people. The government now has three years to implement the referendum’s proposals. Once the new policy is in place, Switzerland’s relations with the EU are likely to change dramatically. The proposal did not stipulate a specific annual cap on immigration, nor does it outline how it is to be carried out; the vote will, however, result in a cap on all foreign immigrants, including those from within the EU. These restrictions will also apply to those commuters who cross the border between Switzerland and its neighbouring EU countries (particu-

was given in an attempt for peace. The action only fuelled radicalism in Palestine as Hamas was inaugurated into power. This fact casts doubt as to whether the two state solution is really the correct action. Currently, Netanyahu is putting on a co-operative show, but even he in June 2009 said an exchange of territory for peace will never stand ‘the test of reality’. For radical Palestinians, this crisis is more a question of principle than a search for territories and will not suffice with a two

state solution. Hence Kerry’s plans are deeply flawed in many ways. It cannot be doubted that Kerry has made progress so far; we may even be stumbling upon some turning point. The US Secretary of State does recognise the levels of mistrust and looks prepared to face the challenges ahead of him. Should he fail, however, the viability of a two state solution will be lost as another failed attempt. And Kerry will have contributed more to deepening this dichotomy than to mending it.

State Department

Jac Heanen bathimpact Contributor

Benjamin Netanyahu’s Likud has expressed doubts over the proposed framework for peace

Swiss back EU migrant quotas Ramiye Thavabalasingam bathimpact Contributor

geographyalltheway

0.3 per cent of the Swiss electorate have voted in favour of bringing back restrictions on immigration from within the European Union. The implementation of the narrow vote has the potential to violate the current agreement between the Switzerland and the EU

An anti-immigration poster: “Ivan S, Rapist and soon to be Swiss?”

larly France, Italy and Germany) on a daily basis. The quotas mentioned in the proposals will also restrict the right of immigrants to bring their families to the country, as well as limit foreigners’ access to social services. Furthermore, employers must now give priority to Swiss citizens over foreign nationals when hiring employees. Proponents of the referendum are rejoicing at the result, as there has been some concern over immigration levels. Almost a quarter of Switzerland’s population is foreign, making it Europe’s second highest foreign population. 80,000 people immigrated to the country in the last year; in relation to the country’s population of 8 million, this latter figure can be seen as particularly high and perhaps unsurprisingly rose concerns amongst right wing political parties such as the Swiss People’s Party. The party has claimed that the high levels of immigration have resulted in overcrowding and have put too much pressure on public services, such as healthcare and education. They argue that foreign workers have driven salaries within the country down and have restrained resources such as housing and transport. The EU has, however, warned Switzerland that there will be consequences as a result of this vote. The

EU has always been conscious of the Swiss trying to pick and choose EU policies from which they will benefit most, as their lack of membership status means that they are not subject to all of the EU’s rules and regulations. “The Single Market is not a Swiss cheese – you cannot have a single market with holes in it,” the EU’s Justice Commissioner Viviane Reding has said. Such statements from EU representatives suggest that there will be big implications for Switzerland once the cap on immigration is imposed. Furthermore, the Swiss government, as well as Swiss businesses, now worry that a strain on the country’s relationship with the EU will have negative outcomes for the economy. Being excluded from the Single Market will have a particularly great impact, considering most Swiss trade is with the EU. Furthermore, there are fears that a cap on EU immigration will weaken the strength of Swiss business, as their pool of recruitment will have shrunk. How the relationship between Switzerland and the EU changes will also have an impact on the Eurosceptic movements in member states, with UKIP’s Nigel Farage describing the Swiss vote as “wise”. If the EU allows a certain amount of leeway with Switzerland, this may send a message of hope to Eurosceptics across Europe.

Monday 24th February 2014

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Bust production of ‘The Miracle’ My acting experience as Helen Keller overcoming deafblindness Phaedra Florou bathimpact Contributor he most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen nor even touched, but just felt in the heart”, Helen Keller once said. She was a well-known deafblind author who has inspired many people worldwide. When she was still an infant, Helen fell ill with a still unknown disease

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When she was still an infant, Helen fell ill with a still unknown disease and developed her impairment.

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and developed her impairment. During the course of her childhood, her teacher, Anne Sullivan, also known as ‘The Miracle Worker’, taught her how to understand the world and communicate. At a later age, she learned to speak

comprehensibly and dictated her autobiography for which she received much recognition. I first came across the story of Helen Keller a few years ago at school. It was during a class about the senses. Interestingly, when asked which the most important sense is, I was one of the few people who answered “touch”. Touch is the main sense on which Helen Keller relied. If you think about it, it is not too hard to imagine not seeing, or hearing. However, can you imagine not being able to feel anything? The thought of never experiencing human contact seems awful. In fact, there have been studies, such as Adriel and Rankin’s one in 2010, that demonstrate how crucial touch is in the development and growth of infants across all species. Over December, I found out that BUST (Bath University Student Theatre society) was holding auditions for ‘The Miracle Worker’, a play inspired by part of Helen Keller’s autobi-

BodySoc success On Saturday 8th February, over 60 members of BodySoc (Dance Society), travelled to Southampton bright and early to take part in Southampton University’s Dance Competition. There were over ten other universities present at the competition, in which our team competed in Novice Ballet, Jazz and Street, as well as advanced Tap, Street, Contemporary, Jazz, Ballet and Wildcard. For the second year in a row BodySoc came home with trophies from Southampton, with members coming in second in Advanced Tap and third in Wildcard, Novice Jazz and Novice Ballet. Professional dancers judged the competition making the event even more intimidating for the members of BodySoc. However, the results were very rewarding for the dancers who

have been preparing for the competition since before the Christmas break and exams. In March, BodySoc is going to Loughborough to compete in that university’s competition and hope to represent Bath well in this even bigger and more competitive event. A lot of hard work goes into the preparation of these competitions, and despite this the society still manages to find time for our annual show in April! This is by far the most exciting of our events because even more dancers get involved and it is a chance to show the University what we can do. This year the theme of our show is ‘Around the World in 80 Minutes’ and, as the title suggests, will include a variety of dances from around the world from traditional Indian dance to Hawaiian Hula and French CanCan! Be sure not to miss out on what promises to be an exciting and fun show for all!

person. Even if you are satisfied with a mental image at the end, there is no reassurance, visual or verbal. Now imagine being a child, eight to twelve years old. I am trying my best to imagine how Helen might have organised and structured information in her head, and how different the whole experience would be for a child full of energy and need. I have developed a profound respect for Helen Keller as a person over the past few months. She managed to overcome an obstacle that was seemingly insurmountable. I really hope that I don’t fail to convey that respect with the audience, and that their response is similar

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I have developed a profound respect for Helen Keller as a person over the past few months.

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to mine. Still, the rehearsals have been great so far, and both my lovely director and fellow actors have been extremely supportive. It has been a tremendous opportunity. Plus, I learned the sign language alphabet! If you want to know how it turns out, why not check it out yourself? The Miracle Worker is on the 6th, 7th and 8th of March, 19.30, at the Museum of Bath at Work, and the tickets (£5 concessions) can be purchased at the ICIA website or box office. Come, I’ll try to be worth your while!

Activities

RAG Week Events Monday 24th February RAG Lottery draw: Your chance to WIN whilst GIVING to our Big Four charities: Julian House, Bath Mind, Sense, and Teenage Cancer Trust Tickets: http://www.bathstudent.com/ragraffle/ Closes: 2pm 28th February

Tuesday 25th February RAG will be spending the night out on the Parade under the stars with just thick clothes and cardboard shelters for warmth! Evening entertainment will be provided by SU society Gravity Vomit. Location: Parade Sign up: http://www.bathstudent.com/rag/events/sleepout/

Wednesday 26th February Come and watch RAG’s Smartypants mega abseil as volunteers take part in this exceptional opportunity to step back out over the towering 200ft descent of the Avon Gorge! Sponsorship helps fund some of the world’s smartest cancer researchers, including our very own Professor Threadgill here at Bath University. Location: Avon Gorge Details: http://www.bathstudent.com/rag/events/smarty_ pants_abseil/

Thursday 27th February RAG Take Me Out is back! The University of Bath version of the popular panel dating show is set to be bigger and better than ever. RAG organisers will be bringing you six new contestants who will be battling it out for the attention of our lovely panel. Location: CB1.11 Time:19:30 Tickets: http://www.bathstudent.com/rag/events/take_me_ out/

Friday 28th February I’m an SU Officer Get Me Out of Here: Watch as your SU Officers face perilous jungle challenges from the eponymous reality television show… Donate through the week to help buy them their immunity or make them pay on the day! BodySoc

Emilie Betham bathimpact Contributor

ography. More specifically, it is about the period of her childhood when she finally managed to understand the meanings of words, with the help of her teacher; it describes the journey up until her breakthrough. Without too much hope, I decided to give it a shot, and I ended up with the part of Helen Keller. From that point on, I haven’t stopped being excited and nervous at the same time. Over the course of my virtually daily rehearsals and delving into the character in my free time, I have come into contact with situations which I never thought I would. After having read the script and seen the movie, I decided to attempt actually comprehending how Helen ‘saw’ the world. So I blindfolded myself, put my headphones on and blasted white noise in my ears. It was one of the most terrifying things I have ever experienced: I am not afraid of the dark, but this sensory deprivation makes everything seem unknown. I was alone in a room, but in reality I wouldn’t have been able to tell if someone walked in. Besides the fear, there is also isolation; with such few external stimuli, you become overly confined within your own mind. This results in thoughts and emotions being amplified and thus less controllable; I mostly remember the sadness, loneliness and anger. There was exhaustion as well. Active effort to understand the world through touch is physically and emotionally demanding. Think about having to touch and process the sensory input based on angles, smooth surfaces, and other small details of an object or

Location: The Plug & the Tub Time: 16:00

Monday 24th February 2014

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Michael Powell impactsport Contributor

Andy Murray, coming on when the group got a chance of a place in the world group, beat Young to play the match on a temporary clay court in San Diego; not an ideal tennis location just a week after the conclusion of the Australian Open. However, the surface didn’t particularly suit the big-hitting US players either, and when their highest ranked and best clay court player, John Isner, pulled out through injury, GB were given a massive boost in their hopes for victory. Victory was still going to be a tough ask though. Murray would

once again be expected to play in three matches, but with the world number one Bryan brothers making up USA’s doubles pairing, a third point from the Scot seemed unlikely. This meant a key decision for Captain Smith was who would be the second singles player. As British number two, and after playing a key role in the dramatic turnaround over Russia, many expected Dan Evans to get the nod. However, Smith knows sentiment doesn’t usually bring success in Carine06

he Davis Cup is the biggest team competition in Tennis, named after one of the original players, Dwight Davis, who came up with the original format. When Davis organised the inaugural match between USA and Great Britain in 1900, little did he know how successful the tournament would become, with 130 nations competing in 2013. However, Davis wouldn’t have envisaged the current format either, with the structure of the competition confusing for those involved with the game, let alone us mere mortals without such knowledge of the labyrinth of tiers and groups. The simplest way to avoid such confusion is to qualify for the World Group, where the top 16 nations play knock-out matches to determine an annual winner. In recent years, such a scenario has looked unlikely for Great Britain though. When Leon Smith became GB Davis Cup captain in April 2010, Britain were languishing in Europe/Africa Group two (one of those numerous different groups below the World Group) and facing a relegation play-off against Turkey to avoid slipping into Group Three. Less than three years ago, Britain were still playing

nations such as Luxembourg and Tunisia. Under Smith’s leadership though, things have been slowly improving for Britain, and having come through these darkest of times, a Group One quarter final against Russia awaited last April. But after losing the two singles matches on day one, and with no Andy Murray in attendance, a return to the World Group once again seemed a long way away. A stunning comeback, starting with a doubles victory, continued by an epic five-set with over world number 28 Dmitry Tursunov for James Ward and completed by 23 year old Dan Evans changed all of that and provided Britain with a World-Group play-off against Croatia last September (I told you the format was confusing!). With a place in the World Group proper awaiting the victors, Murray committed himself to playing, winning three points, for the team and meaning Britain achieved World Group status for the first time since 2008. The prize for this result was a tough draw away to the USA in a repeat of the first-ever Davis Cup match. As the home team, the USA had the choice of where and on what surface the tie would be played. In a move seen as ‘anti-Murray’, US captain Jimmy Connors elected

Carine06

Britain smash the US in Davis cup

James Ward, although the player people expected least to play Quarrey, came out a shocking result, as Quarrey is a higher rank

sport and with Evans having a lack of match practice in 2014, he chose the more experienced clay court player James Ward. The decision turned out to be a masterstroke. After Murray comfortably beat Donald Young in the first rubber, Ward produced a stunning performance, beating the much higher ranked Sam Querrey in a five-set epic, turning the tie on its head. The Bryan brothers won the doubles rubber as expected, but Ward’s victory meant Murray could miss the doubles and have a day off to concentrate on his second singles match. When he duly delivered on day three with a fourset victory over Querrey, Great Britain could celebrate their first World Group victory since 1986, and another incredible high for the sport after Murray’s unforgettable Wimbledon triumph last year. The next task facing Great Britain is an even tougher draw, away to Italy at the start of April. It is widely expected the tie will once again be played on clay, notoriously British players’ least favourite surface, and with Italy boasting top-32 ranked players Fabio Fognini and Andreas Seppi, Ward claiming a victory seems in unlikely. This means relying on Murray to win three games out of three for any chance of progressing to the semi-finals; an achievable but very difficult prospect against very good court players. Even if this doesn’t happen, the rapid rise under Leon Smith is great news for British Tennis fans with Britain claiming eight wins from nine matches since July 2010. Additionally, following the victory over the USA, GB have guaranteed their World Group status for 2015, no matter what the Italian result. So after many years in the doldrums, let’s hope British tennis fortunes are finally turning. If another top talent could come along to support Murray, possibly 18 year-old Kyle Edmund, then maybe a GB victory in the Davis Cup isn’t as absurd as it seemed just a couple of years ago.

Monday 24th February 2014

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Football’s ‘butch’ credentials

joncandy

Thomas George Brady impactsport Contributor he Six Nations is upon us once again, and sports aficionados across the country are sitting back and marvelling at the power and athleticism of some of the best international players, seemingly defying the physically possible as they career into one another at speeds such vast humans shouldn’t really be able to achieve. And rightly so, although there is one particular cliché that seems to rear its head every time a major rugby tournament takes place which I think needs addressing, namely that rugby is ‘a real man’s’ game, and the subsequent assumption that other sportspeople, particularly footballers, are in some way inferior. I think we should start with a definition of the word ‘real’. Rugby has much more of an emphasis on heavy contact than most other sports, and rugby players do tend to be larger than their football, tennis, and athletics counterparts for example. But I’d refute that this makes them existentially more ‘real’. In fact, more men play and watch football than any other sport, so surely football is the game of the average, or ‘real’ man? To be honest I don’t buy either claim, but to say that if you play a more vio-

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Are footballers really over-pandered little pansies? Or are they just as manly as rugby players? lent sport you are inherently more off. It would be foolish, then, to rightly applauded. But typically of a man is to construct a pretty pretend that these issues don’t over half of the England rugby problematic conception of mascu- present difficulties for football, but squad is privately-educated, and linity. None of this is attempting to even more foolish to write them all so to hold them up as paragons cover up the problems with diving off as a bunch of pansies. Because of sportsmanlike behaviour when and simulation that football cur- that’s just not true either. Look, their social backgrounds are so unrently faces. Anyone see the West someone like John Terry is clearly representative of the norm is counHam vs. Swansea game two weeks a pillock. But this doesn’t mean ter-productive. We can’t expect all ago? Chico Flores flung himself that football has a monopoly on sportsmen, of all backgrounds, to the floor clutching his face as if pillock-like behaviour. who are exposed to a varied and he had just been gunned down by In fairness, the way disputes diverse range of competitive envia sniper from the upper tier of the are resolved in rugby, in compari- ronments to behave in a uniform Bobby Moore stand in a disgrace- son to football, is infinitely better. way. ful and unfortunately successful Respect for the referee is held in In conclusion, I reckon the best attempt to get Andy Carroll sent much higher esteem, and this is thing to do is to play or watch whatever sport you like, and let others do the same. It is quite simply impossible to measure the inherent ‘manliness’ of any athletic activity, and even if it were possible, it would still matter about as much as a gnat’s pubic hair. International rugby players are unbelievable athletes. Incidentally, so are professional footballers, and tennis players, and pretty much every other kind of sportsman or woman who has sacrificed and worked immeasurably to achieve excellence. So I’d like to float the crazy idea that we should probably just enjoy each sport for what it is, and not engage in ultimately pointless and futile disagreements over Rugby, Football, Tennis, etc. Who cares? Everyone knows caber toss is the true sport of ‘real men’ which is somehow ‘better.’

Lizzy’s Sochi skeleton success Winter Olympics. Britain now has two back-to-back Olympic champions in the skeleton. A very difficult

feat. Lizzy has joined the ranks of the incredible, inspiring female athletes that Britain seems to be churn-

ing out at the moment, and hopefully with their help, the gap in sport participation can finally be closed.

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Continued from the first page; Since then, Lizzy has gone from strength to strength; she achieved a bronze medal at the 2012 Lake Placid World Championships, and then won the 2013-14 skeleton World Cup, and then went straight from that victory to the Gold she achieved In Sochi. The country’s only Skeleton training track is at the University of Bath, and hence the sport finds its headquarters here. Lizzy’s victory is in keeping with the tradition of British women medalling in the skeleton, with a medal being won in that event every year since the sport was properly introduced to the Winter Olympics back in 2002, and has shown that, just like Jamaica and the bobsled, strange countries (at least In the context of the Winter Olympics) can indeed perform well at sports in the

Morton’s Mumbles & Moans I’ve recently recovered from an illness which has made me fucking tired for a long, long time. However, now I am better. I always imagined that when I was better (when I was ill) that as soon as I was better, I’d be running around and bouncing off of the walls, like I used to - I was a very hyperactive adolescent. However, I’ve been forced to face the terrible, uncompromising fact that I have, over the course of being ill, (and the time before, when I had just gotten to University and neglected my health for copious drinking, and ready meals) I have become very, very unfit. Before, I could cycle wherever I wanted, and would be described as, at least in my mind ‘skinny.’ I don’t want to seem like I’m keeping to bite’s theme too much, and make it seem like I’m a vain prick, or that I have for my past self in any way, shape or form, so I’ll get onto the next bit: Now I feel like a particularly lazy ball of dough, to be honest. Yes, lazy for a ball of dough is certainly a feat. But a ball of dough doesn’t break into drips of sweat from places it didn’t even know it had, just from going down a hill, whereas I do. So, I have taken it upon myself to try and attain the fitness I had before, or at least feel now like I felt I had. (I seriously couldn’t think of a time where I was as tired out as I had been just scaling the stairs in Chancellor’s Building, for God’s sake, let alone actually going for a run) The first few runs I’ve taken were, to be honest with you, fucking awful; I felt like at the end I was going to cough up a lung, kidney or my heart, and was forced, by my body, to guzzle about three pints of squash the second I got through my front door. (There are also steps up to my house, too, which are a massive ball-ache to clamber up after every run as well, trust me) So, eventually, after these awful runs, a few nice runs followed them. (I got lost and ended up in those really nice tunnels which go into the wilderness, and there’s an awesome castle and lagoon up there, very pretty stuff) So, I got a few nice ones under my belt and thought “fuck it,” and got way too big for my boots, and earlier today I decided to try and run up Widecombe. Well, put it this way, when you’re so overheated that, in the middle of February, you have to take off your t-shirt, you’re probably not up for it yet. So, that went pretty badly, but I’m gonna buck up and give it another go. If this column is empty next fortnight, you know why. See ya then!

Monday 24th February 2014

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Sport

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Eye on the ball, and these players BilblioArchive

Ben Cochrane impactsport Contributor

Look at these old time men curling. and it’s come a long way since peasants knocked about cruddy blocks with their housebrooms 20 kilos and I’m not sure about you, to the team with the closest stone put up guards at the top of the over the ice. Yeah, science, bitch. but I’d rather go hurtling down an to the centre of the ‘coloury ring house to make it difficult for the op- Therefore by sweeping the ice, the ice track at 100mph that be hit on thing’. It’s called a house you dick. position to score. Take out enemy brushes cause the ice to heat up the head by one of those stones, so Another point is award for every stones and replace them with your and melt, creating a layer of water stick that in your pipe and smoke it. stone that is nearer to the centre of stones and then steal the win with on the ice making the stone move Those people who think Curling the house than your opponents. the last shot by sneaking past all faster and carry more momentum. is boring quite clearly do not underThe beauty comes in the strat- others with a greater precision than Teamwork. Your team can turn a stand it, for the beauty in Curling is egy. Get your stone closest to the threading a sewing needle with a bad shot into a bloody good one. subtle, as all the best things in life centre, easy. No, not easy you half inch climbing rope. Curling What’s more, the opposing team are, such as Airfix model-making prick. Slide your stone to the cen- takes a sharp mind, immaculate can sweep in front of your stone to and sex. Curling is a lot like chess, tre, and it will be taken out in the patience and the killer instinct of a make it move further away from the but with more chance of death so is same manner as a duckling would blood thirsty puma whose wife has centre of the house and hence turn infinitely better. be when shot with a Challenger II left him for his best mate Terry who a bloody good shot into a shot that Points in curling are awarded Tank. You need to plan your slides, lives down the road. my dead, resurrected great-grandThe slide. Many people would mother could have bettered. think that is an utterly and frankly That’s the basics of curling in a stupid way of releasing the stone, nutshell, but I have only told you and that it would be far easier for the tip of the iceberg (that’s a cool them just to remain still and toss it. pun). Curling is such a deeply comYou do not toss the stone. People plex sport that encapsulates all who think you could toss the stone the morals taught to use when we are in fact tossers themselves, and were just wee nippers rocking up deserve to have a curling stone to U7 rugby training on a wet, cold tossed on their head to teach them Sunday morning asking Dad why I that tossing curling stones is rather couldn’t do Curling. I later finding difficult and invariably useless as out that there was no ice rink in they are very heavy. The slide al- Jersey and so apologised to my Dad lows the curler to impart the cor- for calling him a twat. Unfortunaterect speed and weight and then ly, the lack of an ice rink in Jersey spin to their shot in order to strate- lead to me continuing with rugby gically curve their stone round all of and ultimately damaging my head the opponent’s stones and place the in a way that has made this article stone in the perfect position. possible. Therefore I longer yearn The sweeping. What is that over the lack of curling in my life all about? They look silly. It’s because ultimately is has lead me like they’re wanking those sticks. to write this article which I hope, They’re called brushes and you’re nay! Has inspired you watch curlthe wanker if you think there’s ing and appreciate that skill that not point to sweeping the ice. You is required of the Gods that enter know ice is slippery, of course you the heavenly arena of battle, armed do, you’re at university, but do with a broom, stone and the heart you know why ice is slippery? No. and mind of an angelic hero worThat’s because no one does. One thy of an eternity is the company of the leading theories is that ice of the finest humans that have ever has an extremely large co-efficient lived, if there are even any worthy of friction making it actually very of spending eternity with a curler. grippy. That means when a force is On the other hand watching a game imparted on ice, there is so much of curling is a good way of killing an friction that a great deal of heat is hour or so without spending much created that melts the ice causing energy, so you know, there’s somea thin layer of water to form on thing for everyone. I fucking love the surface that can move freely curling. twicepix

urling is the best sport in the world; there are no two ways about it. The sheer skill needed to curl at all, let alone well, is bestowed only upon very few, and most of those don’t even realise that they have what is probably the most prestigious and coveted of all blessings, as curling is criminally overlooked in the world. Much like Beetroot, which is rather tasty if you haven’t tried it. Why is this? On the surface, or curling sheet, curling seems like a boring spectacle. All that happens is occasionally a person slides for a bit, then releases a big stone that are then preceded by two other people who sweep the ice using big sticky things, much in the same way that one would sweep their own floor. The sweeping continues until the rock reaches a rather colourful area that may contain other stony things and then all of a sudden the other team will start sweeping and you think: ‘Hang on it’s not their turn!’ Then, just as you’re about to turn off the TV, points are awarded willy-nilly for no apparent reason and this whole charade has just been one big mind fuck that accumulates with you scratching your head and turning over to watch the bobsleigh, because that’s unbelievably simple to understand, and there is a much stronger possibility of someone really hurting themselves, which, as the producers of Total Wipeout will tell you, is the only reason why anyone watches TV. First things first, those stones are made of granite and weigh about

impactsport Monday 24th February 2014

Did you know British Skeleton is based entirely in Bath?

John Mettrick impactsport Contributor izzy Yarnold, a Bath-based athlete, has won the Gold in the Skeleton at the Sochi Winter Olympics in Russia, being only the tenth British athlete to ever win a gold medal in the 90 year long history of the Winter Olympics, and only the ﬁfth British person in an individual event to win a gold, which is clearly a stupendous result. Born in 1988, Lizzy joined the National Skeleton programme in 2008, thanks to the Girls4Gold programme. Immediately she showed promise, and joined the national Skeleton squad in 2010, only two years after joining. Lizzy trains here at Bath which is home to the UK’s only push-start track and British Skeleton as a whole This article is continues on page 22.

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Lizzy Yarnold wins the gold L

Page 21 has the full story

What has manliness got to with sport, anyway? impactsport Contributor Thomas George Brady talks about how ridiculous sport stereotypes are,

Turn to page 22 to read it all

Lizzy Yarnold, who trains here at Bath with her Olympic gold medal from the Sochi Winter Games

triclub

Emily Hogge, Head of Tri, on the ﬁnal SITEC run

Davis cup is as interesting as its setup is mental impactsport Contributor Michael Powell talks about England’s initial success at beating the US in the first round,

Cycling and Eastwood rock fter the success of the first two SITEC run series races, the scene was set for the athletes to raise their game for the final challenge. With 55 runners signed on, the course set out and stop watches at the ready, the race got under way. After the terrible weather, with a stormy few weeks; there was a last minute change to the course. Fortunately, the sun decided to show its face as the runners headed out on their first lap. Although a crisp and icy morning, because the sun was shining and the trees remained still and quiet, it was in fact the perfect day for a race! For the final event, the race was split in two, with ten runners completing the five kilometer distance, and 45 taking on the longer 10 kilometer challenge. In 20:19 mins, James Tidd sprinted to the finish line, taking the five kilometer male victory. He had a staggering four minute lead on second place runner Dominic Wilson, who came in after 24:28. Third place was taken by Jack Deaman in 28:36. The women’s five kilometer victory went to Suzie Clare, in a time of 28:20, followed by Kerry Nugara and Keren Byrne. In the 10 kilometer competition, 45 runners set out to take on the challenge ahead of the Bath Half, now only two weeks away! David Freeman took the win from Calum Hanlon who came in second, with James Whateley coming in third. In the girl’s competition, Ellie Davies took her second victory - followed closely by Kerry

Inside impactsport

There’s not a lot of meat on that Skeleton impactsport Contributor John Mettrick continues the article on Lizzy Yarnold,

Turn to page 22 for more

Why columnists should watch sport impactsport Editor Connor McGregor Morton reflects on the pain of getting good at sport again, page 23 has the full column

Curl up in front of the Tv and watching Curling impactsport Contributor Ben Cochrane talks about the incredible Sport of Curling, in all of its majesty and wonder, page 23 has the full story

Tom Tom got kept out of the winner position by the chair of rowing club, Stuart on the last straight Riley and Henriette Klowstad who turning out to compete in the five forgotten for a while. kilometer event. Good work! took third. We would like to thank our Overall it was a fantastic morn- sponsors, SITEC, Total Fitness The team sports prize was a close call, with the football team ing of racing. It was lovely to see Bath, Nuun, DB Max and Andy once again dominating in terms of so many smiling faces out on the Lewis (massage therapist) for numbers, but with a first and third course. With the Bath half just their support. We look forward to place in the 10 kilometer compe- around the corner there was a seeing you next year! tition alongside a good number competitive vibe in the air, with Keep an eye on our web page of competitors, the cycling team Tom Tom and Stuart (rowing for next year’s race program took the victory. In the inter-halls chair) sprinting to the line, with (http://www.bathstudent.com/ competition Eastwood ran away elbows out. Stuart took the win – s p o r t / c l u b s / t r i a t h l o n / r u n with the victory with five runners just! I don’t think that one will be series).

Get involved

If you are interested in sport and want to contribute, then contact impactsport Editor Connor McGregor Morton (impactsport@bath.ac.uk) to find out more details about how you can get involved. We’re always looking for writers, photographers, people to take part, or just all round sports buffs to help out. So, if you have a story you want to share, don’t be afraid to get in touch!

Pedro Gomes

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p2 editorials p3 education and creativity p4 live music reviews p5 the guide p7 necessity of loud frontmen p8 a day in the life of a Bath Uni hipster p9 selfie fashion shoot p10 selfishness and selfies p11 the vanity? of hip-hop p12 top 10 films of 2010 p13 fun with chocolate bars p14 literary corner p15 sex & horoscopes p16 puzzles

Vanity

Monday 24th February 2014

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Pedro Gomes

noticed the peeps walking past the windowy things opposite the SU and looking at themselves, you do it don’t you? Well, don’t worry we all do. Especially our photography editor.

EDITORIAL A

Vanity

The Jezabels - The Brink Album of the biweek

If you wanted the voice of an angel to give you the proverbial running over while you go through daily life then this is it. The Jezabels second album The Brink ﬁlls you with an initial joy as you sink into the depths of Hayley Mary’s vocals and then the production washes over you like a sea of warmth with occasional shocks to keep it interesting. Highlights: “Look of Love” , “The End” , “Psychotherapy”

Game of the biweek

Mollusc of the bi-

The cone snail is bad-ass and shatters the perception of snails as peace-loving creatures. Its weapon of choice is an extendable harpoon loaded with a neurotoxic which has no known anti-venom. It mostly feeds on ﬁsh and other molluscs, the mortality rate for humans stung is 90 per cent. They’re not all bad. Toxins derived from the magician cone have been used to create Ziconotide – a non-addictive pain killer 1,000 times more potent than morphine

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Joe Rawlinson

This new pokemon game has come along and it’s FUCKING AWESOME and I LOVE IT and so do you and love it. The basic premis is, you something, they all do that and you sometimes do but now, yes. A and B are important and also don’t throw away the good pokemon because you need them and make happy times, anarchy or not - and now Tetris.

ccording to Uncle Wikipedia, vanity represents, in everyday use, “excessive belief in one’s own abilities or attractiveness to others”. It strikes me, however, that in many cases this isn’t how vanity is perceived. People are quick to label one as vain, if one spends a few minutes sculpting one’s bonce - and its accessories - in the mirror. This always annoys me, because I often feel those who do such things in public are perhaps not so vain, at least no more so than everyone else. Also, what most people these days deem as vanity, i.e. caring about how one appears to others, carries with it a much worse stigma than the former definition does. So, one is faced with a dilemma: stand down from the race and resign oneself to outdated clothes, fluffy and untended hair (not in the ‘oh, I don’t do anything with my hair, but totally do and have it cut to look like this kind of way’), and relying on one’s personality to get by (As if that makes a difference: see Take Me Out); or wholeheartedly embrace the culture which seems to revolve more around appearance than Ant and Dec’s careers revolve around their absolutely MASSIVE penises. It seems that’s perfectly acceptable, as long as you make it look effortless (nothing effortless about those penises) and don’t do your hair in public. And for Christ’s sake, don’t look in the mirrored glass between 6 and 4 East opposite the SU. I mean, who can tell if they look good as they pass at 7mph? If you’re still confused about vanity, then listen to Carly Simon’s song ‘You’re So Vain’ for an explanation, as nobody does it better. The song is a revelation, a paradox and a journey – and perhaps has an air of the Luddite about it, of course making reference to her disbelief in Coffeemate. So what does vanity (caring about looking good) contribute

to our society, or rather what does it mean? It seems to me to represent a feeling of belonging, perhaps individuality or even superiority. For those who are happy to follow general trends, the former question applies. Those who just let ‘trends’ or the biggest high street retailers influence how they dress are often the subject of ridicule for not having their own unique style or fashion sense. Magazines, cultural commentators and fashion experts also do this in a covert way. So in this sense, those individuals who try to establish a personal style, at least in the case of the first definition, are in fact the vainest of all. Even if self-reflection was their initial objective, often these projections come across in rhetoric of uniqueness, superiority - vanity.

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This week’s theme is:

I admit these are generalisations; it may be wrong of me to hate. But haters gonna hate. Though I did love Ghost, have you seen that movie? Still, it seems worthy to denounce such self-sycophants, because they wear stupid hats and owls for no apparent reason. So is there anything wrong with wanting to look good? It seems to analyse this, one needs to look at the motives. One doesn’t have to go far until the idea of sex comes along. In this sense, it is absolutely essential to dress like all the other morons, if you are to fulﬁl your life’s purpose of breeding with your fe/male counterpart, assuming you’re that way inclined, of course. That’s not to say I’m one of the strigine, hating on the masses. Of course not. Disclaim-

er: if you’re not that way inclined, then you needn’t worry. Everyone knows the gays know how to dress. Damaging stereotypes aside, it is vain and self-important for one to judge another based on the other’s appearance; these judgements are often preceded by such sayings as “I’m not saying my fashion sense is superior or anything” and followed by such things as “oh, by the way have you seen my new owl shoes? They were actually made by owls, but don’t worry, they’re made out of Bangladeshi children.” Criticising those who select their clothes arbitrarily from whichever shops they happen upon on their local high street, is to state that fashion holds significance in shaping identity. I would argue quite the opposite: it gets completely in the way. Life is far easier if one doesn’t feel the need to clad oneself in exterior expressions of ‘uniqueness’. In my experience, the most unique and interesting people I’ve met have been from both schools, though actually they seem to abandon all ideas of identity through inanimate expression. I am drawn to the example given by Jeff Goldblum’s character in the Fly, who reckons Einstein wore the same suit each day to save time and avoid such trivialities. Though this isn’t entirely true, it does seem like a good idea. Would life be more wholesome if we had no idea what people were like until we talked to them? Or would we just find other avenues of making snap judgements? After all, it’s in our nature to make such judgements – perhaps more pertinent is that it’s in our nature to follow trends, but what isn’t inherent within human beings is definitions of worth and beauty, and that is where the real problem resides. So by all means, just be yourself – it’s no shame to merely follow trends and shop where everyone else does, but draw the line at following them off cliffs… oh, and owl shoes. Shut up.

Monday 24th February 2014

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We stagnate without creativity

Just look what you can do with a paperclipps, the large hadron collider’s younger brother: the small hadron collider was made from paperclips. Broaden your horizons

Written by John Barlow

reativity and passion are traits that smack of vanity. In one hand why should I listen to anything you have to say unless you have the conviction to have confidence in your own voice? And in the other, confidence without merit is annoying, frustrating and potentially damaging to both friendships and careers. We as a species love to accuse people of vanity, especially those who have achieved their wealth and popularity not via greed or by generally being a dick, but by music, art or charitable deeds. For some unexplainable reason Simon Cowell is less hated than Sting or Bono; Steve Jobs was more liked than Bill Gates; and bankers are generally less hated than vegans. All of the latter have done more than the average for the human race. So why then do we insist on labelling such people as vain, strange or unsavoury, in essence judging the moral character of those who dare to care? I am terrified of being labelled as vain, I always have been. I really don’t like people focusing on me; in fact I don’t like people even looking at me. To be honest I’m happy to just sit at the back and let everyone else do their own thing. The idea that I may have something of worth to say, or that I can positively impact other people, is quite new and honestly terrifying. As children we are all creative, you would never accuse a child of vanity yet they are unashamed of their creations, unashamed to speak out against things they disagree with and are unashamed to smear shit over the walls amongst many things. As a child I loved learning, if you sat me down and asked me to write a thousand words about my day I could do it in a matter of hours, as could

most people in my class. If you asked me now I would struggle to write 300, not because my days are any less interesting but for some inexplicable reason I would feel ashamed to describe the food I ate or the bus to uni with any vigour or passion. Ken Robinson’s (perhaps known to most for his TED talk on education) literature on the subject is enlightening and festinating, some of his ideas speak of how we educate people out of creativity, to cut down his wonderful rhetoric to its bare bones, it covers how nearly all education systems around the globe are based on a European model expressly created to complement the needs of nations undergoing industrial revolution. In education today we have a hierarchy of subjects with maths science as the focus, and artistic subjects which teach us to express ourselves, as second-rate. If anyone decides to go down a path of creativity they are openly stigmatised, even within subjects such as English. My younger sister is a prime example of this; she is currently doing her GCSEs when I go home I often help her with her homework. She always gets annoyed at me because I question the thought behind the work she is producing. We have had quite a few arguments when I ask her if she truly believes what she is writing, and her response is usually “no, but that’s what the marking scheme wants” it doesn’t matter if her work is soulless, as long as she has used the correct amount of metaphors and the right structure. This I feel is inherently wrong, a rigid marking scheme is useful in scientific papers however it stifles creativity, and helps reinforce the view that there is a right and wrong way to study subjects, such

as English, art or drama. Ironically at both GCSE and A-level stages in education you are promised greater creative freedom as you progress into higher education. The result of this is that when I first left college to go to university I had a rather warped view of what it would be. Not warped in the sense that I had constructed some strange fantasy where everyone just ate caramel ice lollies and spoke in long forgotten dialects, because that would be insane. No, my fantasy was just that university would be a place where people actually invested intellectually and creatively within their subject… opposed to the reality that most people are here for a qualification which is now mandatory in getting a wellpaid job. I think my fantasy of higher education was fed off the many films I had watched set in the 60s or 70s, with young students sticking it to the man, or the stories such as C.S.Lewis and J.R.R.Tolkien sitting in oxford pubs discussing their new books. Admittedly these may not have been the most healthy of sources to take inspiration from, due to the unhealthily appetite we all have to view the past fondly, however, when talking to anyone educated in university before the 80s, it is very clear that they possess a very different experience of higher education. Talking to a number of lecturers in the Electronic and Electrical engineering department, they too are troubled by the lack of creative involvement from the students, it is not that the individual quality of student has decreased, arguably this generation knows a substantial amount more than subsequent generations, the problem lies in the fact that no-one is prepared to be wrong or

to put it another way, no one trusts in their own creativity. By being taught for so long with ridged mark schemes and negative attitudes towards creativity, we lack one of the main requisites for life outside of education. People who do not comply with our preconceptions of a creative person are often labelled as vain, self-serving or a number of other negative personal traits. To dredge out an example used earlier on, Sting should not be stigmatised for his work in charity, or his use of language that doesn’t comply whit the general reserved and slightly corporate English, that the majority of English speakers use. He should be celebrated for using his hard earned money and his global reputation to help issues he feels strongly about. It should not matter that he doesn’t come from a starved African family or have an expertise in international aid, to want to help people. For the past year or so I have been actively trying to break down my fears of coming across as vain, self-serving or arrogant. Even now whilst writing this I mediate everything I say through a filter of humbleness and pleasantry; every sentence I write is fraught with insecurity. My little experiment is not bound to writing however; creativity is not something that only exists within the arts: creativity should be used in all subjects. Our ability to create unashamedly is one of the main reasons we as a race are so successful. It is hard to take those first few steps, to share with the world something you generally feel passionate about and I can assure you, that there is no shame, Vanity or arrogance in creation: the only stupidly in not living life to its fullest.

Monday 24th February 2013

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Piotr Drabik

e i c v i s e u R M e v i L

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Sam Short

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Nest Fest 2.0 Written by Holly Narey, John Barlow, a carrot and some mice

T Live Review: London Grammar Written by Laurence Roach

sold-out O2 Academy in Bristol waits with bated breath for the curtain-call performance of London Grammar’s first headline UK tour. In a matter of months, this Nottingham-based trio of Hannah Reid (vocalist), Dominic ‘Dot’ Major (multi-instrumentalist) and Dan Rothman (guitarist) has swooned their home crowds and notched up a Brit nomination to boot. The blistering 70-minute setlist consists of all eleven tracks from their platinum selling debut LP ‘If You Wait’; a frightfully confident collection of songs that has recently been referred to as ‘the first quarter-life crisis album’. This title, or tag if you will, is not strongly reflected in the Bristol audience demographic, which consists of many older individuals who evidently have equal capacity to find youth within their lyrics and, perhaps, within themselves. At times, the stage presence of the band arguably seems slightly one-dimensional and disconnected, with it being evidently clear that the band relies on little more than Reid’s voice to provide all impetus to the flow and grandeur of their performance. That being said, the voice alone is a stunningly diverse instrument and a worthy talking point, all in itself. Her range is of an impressive - often devastatingly beautiful- breadth and depth, as she seldom seems to even come close to exhausting her true vocal potential on stage! The 24-year-old vocalist is understandably and unashamedly the focal point of the trio, with her brooding tones resonating immediately

about the Academy walls in a rousing rendition of set-opener ‘Hey Now’. It is a voice that shares much with her songwriting, in that it boasts a sound beyond its years, providing a haunting narrative to a constant underlying lyrical tapestry of unrequited love, alienated adolescence and a permanent sense of longing. Such is the depth of their debut, that the set never seems to falter or lose rhythm, as the better-known singles of ‘Strong’, ‘Wasting My Young Years’ and ‘Metal & Dust’ are translated effortlessly to a live setting. Reid’s confidence on the piano is also shown gracefully in the set-highlight ‘If You Wait’ and ‘Interlude’, a track for which a live rendition was seamlessly adopted on the album itself! The last twelve months have seen this band flourish into a finely-tuned and polished outfit, with a growing wealth of epic, heartfelt songs at their disposal. More importantly, the three members of the band - principally, Reid - boast a strong rapport with their fans, both new and old, which will surely give them longevity as they forge their way into the dreaded second-album phase of their fresh, yet already illustrious, career. The true question is whether Reid’s voice and lyrical style will remain within the shroud of intimacy and honesty that has adorned this beautiful catalogue of songs or - like so many bands before them - naturally lean towards the stadium-bound sonics that London Grammar could so easily execute with relative grace and aplomb.

he wind and rain was valiantly braved on Thursday 13th February, as my friends and I battled the elements to make it to Nestfest 2.0. In a city that isn’t exactly famous for its nightlife and music scene (especially in comparison to its near neighbour, Bristol), a night of live performances was a welcome prospect. Making our way into the comparative warmth and light of the bar, having not attended Nestfest the first (and also missing the first couple of bands as it had all kicked off that afternoon whilst I was still stuck in lectures), I didn’t know what to expect, other than a good time. Tara were the first band to make the stage after my arrival. I spent most of the time they were playing wondering just how young they were, but they had youthful enthusiasm in abundance and were genuinely pretty good. The place was still pretty empty as it was still quite early on, but they still put on a fun show. The Richard O’Brien Project was a real highlight of the night, with most of the crowd finally getting up to dance. This may have been linked to the increasing blood-alcohol content of the audience, but I can’t deny the influence of the musical magic that the saxophonist was working on us all. When he dashed off to catch the last train to Salisbury, we were universally crestfallen, but the band managed a pretty sensational finale without him. Armchair Committee’s The Death of the Porter was a harsh reminder of the tragic loss all Bath residents suffered when another of our best, most exciting venues fell at the sword of gentrification. Gone, but never forgotten. The crowd had been embiggened by this point and we were all having a great old time. Doombar was flowing and finally a brave few decided to throw their nerves to the wind and have a jolly old jive. The Cyborgs were just something else. With their blacksmith masks hiding their faces and their heavy

guitar riffs supplemented by strong pulmonary drum beats they wowed the crowd with a both enigmatic yet personal performance. Opening the night with song Dancy the crowd was instantaneously receptive, there industrial sound, trance like pulling us all in. Later in the night when Cyborg 1 the singer waded into the beer sodden crowd, the entire room took on a dystopian air, as if we were dancing at the end of the world. Finally finishing the night with much dissatisfaction from the crowd Cyborg 1 gave a protracted role call to its fellow Cyborg in trademark melodic yet synthetic drawl. If you ever get the chance to see Cyborgs it will be an unforgettable experience and one you would be a fool to miss out on. After the unforgettable Cyborgs the night wound down into the Nest’s usual assortment of trance funk and hiphop beats. If you haven’t visited the Nest yet, you should. After the recent closures of both the GPT and the Porter the Nest really feels like a home away from home and should be high on everyone’s hot clubs/bars in bath. Look, I’m gonna come clean. I can’t remember a fucking thing. It’s taken three of us to write this review, and between us we’ve been traipsing back through the vagueness of winding memories created, or perhaps killed that night. Desperately trying to find some sort of recollection; we have managed to scrape this together from these tenuous links. All of the stuff you’ve read above is probably true, you know how in Jurassic Park they made up the dinosaur DNA strands by using amphibian DNA. We did exactly the same thing. We got a few pints of amphibian DNA and drank them at a safe pace and in a safe environment. Know this people, we had a good time and the Nest may be a bit rough, but only in Bath terms. If you compare it to bars in Hull it seems more like a baby owl that distributes cupcakes via sneezes.

Monday 24th February 2014

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Music

Arts

Comedy

Skaters, The Exchange, Bristol. Thursday 27th February.

CIA 4th Gallery Public Art Commission dubbed New Growth No. 3 Solsbury Court, near East Car Park, NOW.

Sabbatical elections (aka SU Officer elections) . Uni of Bath. Monday 24th February - Monday 4th March.

Skaters, despite having the shittest name, album cover and things being written about them, are really good. I received one press release comparing them to the Ramones which is tenuous to say the least. NME have said they’re “basically like everything we wished The Strokes still epitomized.”, which I found hilarious. Music journalism(!) Anyway, they’re pretty fucking good. Kill Moon , Young Aviators & Stereotypes, Moles. Also Thursday 27th February. Kill Moon have been compared to everyone from the Beach Boys to that homeless guy from Liverpool who won’t stop playing the Beatles, on Milsom Street. This is the last time you’ll see them for free (entry before 12pm). It’s the kind of band that used to fill Moles, a band that’s too big for Moles. They’re the “masters of dream pop”, such bands take you away from a small atmosphere and shed new light on the shoegazing scene.

According to ICIA “Richard Woods is renowned for his signature architectural transformations”. The work was intended to insure a lively,creative environment for students and staff whilst construction work takes place. Lord knows our rather carceral nature of the architecture in this place combined with the micro-climate makes for a lot of SAD in students. So may this white wall with green lines on it cheer you up. A Life of Gallileo, Monday 17th – Saturday 22nd March at Theatre Royal. A somewhat acurate depiction of the life of Gallileo, with some artistic lisence employed in telling his personal life. Tried with the woes of ethics in a time of the heavy hand of the Catholic Church. Apparently with allusions to Marxism this play really has everything any mid twentieth century play should have. So don your best tracksuit and head on down to catch the renound Ian McDiarmid.

Cometh Bath’s biggest popularity contest. You’ll see cotton sheets soaked in felt tips, draped around trees and signs on your way to campus, you probably won’t be able to read them as they busses are getting faster by the day. Some of the characters (candidates) are apparently bus drivers. Voting opens March 4th until 6th, not sure why; apparently since that change, voting turnout has increased. Also, we’re not sure why candidates can’t criticise eachother. Anyway, vote. It’s important. People died so you could have this right. Tiernan Douieb, Rondo Theatre, Bath. Thursday 27th February. Go and check out this guy with an unpronounceable name. This show looks at the “internet being too loud, politics, spiders and Icelandic noises.” His social commentary is warming and hilarious.

Twin Forks, The Louisiana, Bristol. Saturday 22nd March.

Nymphomaniac, Volumes I & II + Live Satellite Q&A, Little Theatre, Bath.

Pizza Underground, Location unknown, rumour.

Chris Carrabba’s ‘hiatus’ from Dashboard Confessional’s lead to solo work and then this. Beware though, it couldn’t be more different (that’s not true). With the folk ‘revival’s’ passing we see the remaining acts who weren’t just in it for the money; building the antifolk scene, with elements of Stornoway and roots country, musically traditional but lyrically engaging.

The tale of a nymph and her sexual exploits through the medium of flashback. According to the little thretre the film “defiantly [isn’t] untitillating; instead it’s a visually and intellectually dazzling meditation on love, art, religion and desire.” Also, there’s nothign better than being able to have an exchange with the people involved - so get your pad and paper ready for the Q&A afterwards.

Former child star Macaulay Culkin’s (also known as Daniel Radcliffe 1) Velvet Underground tribute act, aptly named the Pizza Underground may be coming to a venue near you sometime in the near future. Keep your ears to the ground and by this we mean your eyes on this page. Come on babe, take a bite of the real slice. This stuff practically writes itself.

Monday 24th February 2014

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hooked up to the vains

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Written by Alexander Ilija Coles

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ent to say, something within them that could change music forever. The very notion that you are capable of changing something as large as the music industry forever is surely the very definition of vanity, and it happens time and time again. And occasionally, the bands premonitions are correct and something magical is created. Without vanity, we’d have likely never got to hear the genius of ‘Revolver’ or ‘Dark Side of The Moon’. Should we then be glad that vanity exists? Well, to an extent. There’s a reason vanity is looked down upon and that is because at its heart it is a poisoned chalice. At one end you’ve got the Manic’s with their righteous fury but at the other you’ve got Kanye West. I mean I love Kaye West and I’d probably think I was a genius too if I released ‘Dark Twisted Fantasy’. Especially after gathering all those rave reviews and public adoration. But when you go around acting like your dick tastes of lollipops and your shits are made of gold is it any wonder people, most people want to knock him down a peg or two? There’s a great anecdote the American comedian Aziz Anzari tells that you can find on YouTube which talks of when he was invited around Kanye Wests house and being more than just a little shocked when Kayne decided to put his own record on the CD Player and comment how ‘dope’ everything about it was. Now that is vain. But it’s also fucking funny. And it all came about because Kanye West thinks he’s the dogs bollocks. So here’s my message: Be vain. But don’t go overboard. Have faith in what you are trying to achieve but keep yourself somewhat grounded. You’ll have more fun and excite more people if you’re vain but you’ll also likely piss a lot more off if you go too far overboard, the choice is really your. That’s if you believe these people actually do have a choice, and who’s actually seen Kanye’s shit? He does seem to have a lot of gold. Just sayin’.

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anity. Our life is surrounded by it. From the topless knob in the students’ Union showing off his muscles to old clips of Salvador Dali talking about his art like it’s god’s gift to the world. This world is full to the brim with the vain. But nowhere is this more apparent than in the music industry. And right now I’m going to come clean and admit something I probably shouldn’t. And that is that I am in love with the selfabsorbed and vain artists of this world. This love affair started the first time I ever heard Manic Street Preachers with ‘You Love Us’. It grabbed me by the neck and wouldn’t put me down. Screaming at me that I loved them like I was their bitch and I just had to do as they said. I loved it, the bravery to do such a thing, the vanity. It was the ultimate antidote to the utter sycophancy of Rolling Stones’ ‘We Love You’ and ultimately, that was it, I was hooked forever on vain musicians. At the end of the day they’re usually more exciting and interesting. I mean would you rather read another new band coming through saying the same old ‘yeah, we’re the lovechild of Tom Petty and Bob Dylan’ or would you rather them grab you by the balls and say ‘we’re going to be the greatest rock band that’s ever walked this earth’. I know which I would rather read. Yes they may crash in flames but like Icarus it’ll only be because they chose to fly too close to the sun. And in the words of Neil Young and in fact the last words Kurt Cobain ever wrote surely ‘It is better to burn out than to fade away’. It took me a while to figure out why musicians are often so vain though but I think I might have found the answer. And it’s quite simple really. For without an inflated sense of belief in their own ability why else would musicians get on stage in the first place? To have a good time? Yes. But ask most bands and I’m sure they’ll tell you that it’s because they felt they had something differ-

Scotland to set sail for freedom

Things which may have, but at the same time deﬁnitely did not, happen.

Scotland!

Written by Jonathan Archer

Alexander Jones

lans are currently underway for Scotland’s maiden voyage from the bog formerly known as the United Kingdom. “Old Alby” has been stranded oﬀ the coast of The North for the past three-hundred years but the latest deluge, possibly sent by the great weatherman in the sky, has managed to erode centuries of engrained national unity. Asked where Alby would be going, “Captain” Alex Salmond commented “I don’t know... China probably, although we like the look of Norway, I’ve been told we have a lot in common with both.” When asked whether he would be joining the scots on their port-to-port cruise of desperation around famous international institutions, millionaire cheese-stick George Osborne said, “I don’t think so, no. Besides, it’s doubtful they’ll even be let in anywhere else. They’re not taking any of our money either. People have asked ‘aren’t you just

throwing your toys out of the pram?’ and I assure them, we have no toys nor do we have prams for such evocative metaphors.”

“I SHALL be going with them,” stated famous belligerent and apparent beer fan Nigel Farage, who has been recently spotted modelling the am-

phibious qualities of both his Land Rover and vapid nationalist rhetoric, “They’ll be getting a good millennium or two of not being in the EU, which makes it perfect for me and my pals. I know they’ve got good pubs too, I was imprisoned in one by an angry mob on my last visit.” Initial buoyancy tests were carried out using delicious scotch eggs but the results proves anomalous due to the fact they were carried out on delicious whisky and not freezing cold salt water. Unsure of its safe passage through the unpredictable plastic filled oceans of the current, the project leaders have resigned to eating a drinking earlier prototype materials. The launch ceremony of Bessie will be attended by both Prime Minister and part-time weather commentator, David Cameron and the Queen, who will commemorate the voyage by smashing the grave of King James I on the hull.

Monday 24th February 2014

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A Day in the Life of a Bath Uni Hipster (Annotated) 9 a.m. (Start) 1 a.m. (End) I would like to think that I wake up every morning smelling of Acqua di Parma and God – in some woodland reality with deer prancing in the background. Instead I am wistfully awoken by distressing noises coming from my housemate’s room. It sounds like it could be awfully dated – like bad dated, not tonguein-chic Atari on my t-shirt dated. Like, I’m intentionally listening to MGMT-bad. I’m not too sure, but it gets me into the bathroom either way.

Now comes the most important part of the day – fashion self-expression. Today I’m aiming for the anti-fashion idea of white t-shirt and raw denim . I’ve not washed these jeans since the start of Semester 1, and why would I ever commit such a sartorial sin? Anyway, a bonus of this long-wear is that I can actually bend my legs now. No – I’m not going for the eponymous James Dean, or the-every-other-studentlook. Trust me, this look is all about the irony.

By this point, I’m back on my bike, taking a slow pedal back to Oldﬁeld Park. Times like these when I’m a bit drunk oﬀ Malborough Sauvignon Blanc, looking out over the dim streetlights from the top of Victoria Park I just kinda question it all. Life, existence, my future plans to go to Africa after graduation, and just feel overwhelmed but so sure of it all. I just pull my bomber jacket a bit closer, and I know it’s going to be OK. Tomorrow’s going to be a great day.

10 a.m.

After a bowl of gluten-free quinoa flakes and almond milk, I make my way out the door. I get around on a Fixie Bike, because I believe in the freedom of humankind. It gets a bit difficult going up Bathwick Hill with fixed gears and no brakes, so I get the U18 at the bottom bus stop. Safety is always first – and anyway this t-shirt is Acne. They don’t do sweat in Scandinavia.

1 p.m.

Hands up if anyone has ever heard of Sam Burgess before this. I swear everyone is just jumping on the bandwagon!” said Micks. “I saw him play in Sydney when I was down under last summer2”, chipped in another.

11 a.m.1 p.m.

12 a.m.

It’s starting to get busy in the Nest. I managed to bump into one of my ex-housemates who went oﬀ to work for an NGO involved in malaria prevention and education. Listening to her experience and the culture, and all the expat bars she went to - I think Africa sounds like such an amazing country. It sounds so horrible that they have to sleep with nets, but it’s deﬁnitely something to think about. After half an hour of conversation, I knew I was set on my plans after graduation. I’m going to give out malaria bed nets. And end world poverty.

My only lectures for the week over! Yay! I’m glad I do such an intellectually rigourous degree that allows me to do virtually all my learning in a day.

Feeling left out, “Oh yes totes. Do you think he’s playing Glastonbury this year? I heard he’s like the new Chet Faker”, I said. Everyone looks at me confused and I honestly don’t understand why.

2 p.m.

Since my friends decided to be really not cool, I decided to get on with work. Thing is, I don’t like the library. There’s something awfully unnerving about Level 5, sitting beside people just breathing on you. I always feel like someone is secretly judging my Spotify playlist, when in fact they’re listening to some pre-made cliché dumb and bass playlist. I like working in cafés and no other does it better than the lads down at Colonna. They truly understand the subtleties of coﬀee, and would wax lyrical over the ﬂat white they’re labouring over. Everyone thinks I’m being pretensh when I say I can really taste the almond bakewell and burnt tyre in my Guatemalan roast, but I do. And it’s real. It’s literally the Muslim alternative to wine tasting – totally kosher business.

9 p.m. 5 p.m. Work done. I’ve written an essay and ﬁnished reading some extra material. There was this amazing article about Maison Martin Margiela and how no one knows who this Martin guy is. Apparently he was never photographed and communicated by fax. I’ve never seen a fax machine in my life – but I’m determined it’s going to be the next typewriter. Imagine fax machines all over All Saints. You heard it here ﬁrst.

A few of us decided to get some chips and wine at a pub in town. I really like the twicefried, hand cut chips with sea salt they serve here. It would be perfect if they had gluten free sourdough to make a chip butty. Can you imagine the anti-political juxtaposition of carb-in-carb? Who would’ve thought! Places in Today's Life

- For the Best Coffee; Colonna & Smalls, Queen Sq - Bookstore; Topping and Company, Paragon - Out of the way pub; The Chequers, Rivers Street Hungry for some more stuff to read, I head up to Topping - Bar that smells like armpit; The Nest, Bladud Buildings I like sitting by the storefront, looking through their rubber and Co. for some books. They serve teas and coffees for free when you browse, but sadly don’t offer an NUS Extra plants onto Queens Square. It brings back great memoReading Material ries of my 2nd year, being part of the Occupy movement. I discount. Sad. - Monocle Magazine. Available monthly. remember camping out there for hours. It’s such a perfect - Fantastic Man. Available twice a year. place for a camp-in protest, really bringing to the forefront the issues we were fighting for, AND it’s only 5 minutes to Waitrose.

Monday 24th February 2014

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Massive heads; nice clothes Double-M

Keeping with this month’s theme of vanity, we caught people taking selﬁes round campus. We wondered if there was a corrolation with the way they express themselves through their choice of clothes as well as their faces.

What’s one thing that is eﬀortlessly cool? Suede. Suede cap and suede bomber jacket combination and you can’t go wrong. Make sure you get them in a dull colour though, too bright and you’ll look you’re wearing a high vis jacket. Coordinated his trainers and cap too!

If you want to be sensible and still look good, sheepskin is probably the nicest, warmest material you can get. Paisley shirts in every colour are a must, literally wear them with anything and they always look cool. He’s even added a bit of Bath class to the outﬁt with the suave loafers.

Some of the top 3 trends at the moment: maroon, tartan and velvet, and this girl has got them all. Eﬀortless and comfy for the library, team with a pair of black heeled boots to stop it looking too casual. Also, how does she make black and grey work so well?!

We don’t know how baseball shirts suddenly became a fashion but they deﬁnitely did. Wear them casually or out at night – and for cheap, this one’s Primark! She looks great in the trusty Timberlands; these are the sort of thing you can keep in your wardrobe for the rest of your life knowing that they’ll still be in fashion in 50 years’ time.

With a black polo and kilt, she looks fresh out of a scene from Clueless. This polo is not only slimming but just as good as a scarf at keeping you warm! Great outﬁt to be both casual, and also looking preppy schoolgirl chic. Also check the cut out boots, the heel is high enough to lengthen the leg but not high enough to look stupid walking round campus.

Monday 24th February 2014

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Me myselfie and I

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Written by Siân Maria Morgan

ing either a ‘’sad cry for help’’ or pursuit of validation. Despite this , many overlook the fact that men are just as guilty as women – if not more! Over 2,000 people took part for OnePoll in the UK for Samsung and it found that 17 per cent of men admitted to taking a self-snap on their phone as opposed to just 10 per cent of women. This opens the question as to why men aren’t berated in the same way women can be when posting a photo – is it because it is easier for men to be visible, and therefore it isn’t as

noticeable when they post selfies? Are selfies a way for women to fulfil a desire to be visible? Gail Dines, a professor of sociology and women’s studies, pointed out the fact that whereas men have various outlets to be visible, women have to resort to ‘fuckability’ to be seen. Hence, the ridiculous number of meticulously calculated photos showing the correct ratio of cleavage-to-face, being posted onto social networks. Instead of reprimanding women for posting ‘slutty’ or ‘vain’ or ‘desperate-for-

likes’ photos maybe we should ask the question: ‘what is culture offering girls and women as a way of visibility?’ However, for now, to people of the world: post photos of yourself doing makeup, doing a duckface, smiling with friends or family, eating icecream, whatever – even if it’s just that you’re having a good makeup and hair day, do your own thing! Who cares what people think or say? If you’re happy then isn’t that all that really matters.

Thomas van Geijn

ften I’ve been told that I posted too many selfies on Facebook. After hearing this, I felt immensely guilty and apologetic for doing something that really is inconsequential to most and harms no one at all. I take selfies and I am not ashamed; they are a way for my family in Argentina and Hong Kong to see how I’m getting along. They are a way to communicate with people. The selfie might be narcissistic, sure - but it’s also useful. It is a way to see how your friends and family are doing, and personally I think that’s absolutely fine. Why should we have to worry about being judged for posting a selfie? Everyone is judging us anyway. Selfies don’t change that any more than mirrors. The concept of ‘if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all’ comes to mind, and people really need to calm down and let people post their photos. If they’re not actively insulting anyone or creating some kind of controversy, then let them get on with their somewhat self-indulgent lives. If they’re not directly affecting your life then leave them alone. There is no need for people to be hurtful and it’s as simple as that. Or, if they are extreme selfie posters then block them and stop bitching. Something I’ve noticed about selfies is that people tend to associate them with women, and as a result people see selfie-taking as this be-

Names will never hurt me

Who puts the microwave on for 21 minutes and forty three seconds? Maybe that’s the time? Nah, look at the hyphen. Fun.

o people have an obligation to their children not to give them a fucking stupid name. This is a contested debate and my opinion fluctuates, sometimes I think standing out is neither good nor bad, as eventually the significance of your name will eventually wear off and ultimately, you can change it. That being said, in your formative years, being called ‘Fister’ could have a negative effect. The best and most widely applicable examples of terrible child names, of course, exist amongst celebrities. I’m sure you’re familiar with the Blankets, the Apples and Jermajestys of this world but did you know that Jason Lee has named his son Pilot Inspektor? What the fuck does that mean? It’s hard to imagine that Michael Jackson or David Beckham’s children will be affected that deeply by the nature of their names, especially as it’s an accepted culture amongst celebs – also, their lives will naturally be tainted in some way by the actions of their parents, insomuch as their names won’t be anything in comparison. Not aiming to shame the Beckham’s. In contrast to the lives of the stars, most people, are normal; and go to school and college and university with an otherwise blank slate. Perhaps by the time

you get to uni, you’re all good. Perhaps, from all the bullying and constant, ‘wait, is that a name-ing’ and whatever else that comes with being called ‘fire’, you’ll be a stronger character. Lord knows, people called basket get more friends. Is it this normality that perhaps encourages their parents to try and inject some excitement into their child’s life? Before said child has even had a chance to outdo its parent’s feeble attempt at shaping a distinct character by pursuing the true fruits that life has to offer. Lord knows, no one ever made any friends because they were called Gary. If you know differently, or your name is Gary I apologise. One of my best friends’s as a child was a Gary. I just know that when I first hear of or encounter a child that’s named Tinder, because that’s where it’s parents Candice and Tyler met. I will have lost all faith. So maybe people should think about their kids’ futures and stop thinking how fun it is to name their new excretion doll something funny so all their friends will think about how unique they are - this is such an expression of vanity on behalf of parents - it is a belief that an exceptional name makes and exceptional child. This just isn’t the case, see: Stephen Hawkin, Tony Hawk or Black Hawk Down? I’ve lost all credibility.

Harsha KR

Written by Wheat Flowerbed McClusky

If you can’t think of a decent a normal name, maybe try a random choice of letters

Monday 24th February 2014

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Kanye be more vain?

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dashian and complete indifference to everyone else in the world it’s easy to see why. He comes across as arrogant, conceited and narcissistic and doesn’t care in the slightest about how you perceive his vanity, and that’s a big part of what makes him incredible. 2004 Kanye was so important to music. 2004 Kanye had so many features and production credits he makes Pharrel look ordinary. He was this chill, normal, incredibly well dressed guy who would joke about in interviews and generally have fun. His music was smart, funny and socially aware (fuck anyone who thinks Macklemore “I’m straight look how straight I am so straight gay rights are okay I guess STRAIGHT” is the only social justice rapper). Just look at this section of All Falls Down / Self Conscious (Def Jam Poetry Version) for proof: “It seems we living the American dream, But the people highest up got the lowest selfesteem, The prettiest apeople do the ugliest things, For the road to riches and diamond rings, We shine because they hate us, floss cause they degrade us, We trying to buy back our 40 acres, And for that paper, look how low we a stoop, Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coupe”. 2004 Kanye was the shit. Over the years he got misrepresented in interviews and pigeon holed to appear no different to the

preconceived notions of rappers in the media. Obviously Kanye wasn’t blameless throughout this, but it’s fair to call him one of the most misquoted figures in music. In return he embraced the image people wanted to give him. He became a caricature of himself and took the idea of vanity and arrogance to the absolute extreme. This, along with the death of his mother, saw his music take a darker turn. The weird but incredible 808s and Heartbreak, the incomparable MBDTF (one the best albums of all time), and the ruthless and minimalistic Yeezus, are all light years away from the young kid with the backpack in 2004. However they all contain elements of being tied to a certain vanity that encompasses a lot of hip hop culture, see these bars from New Slaves: “Doin’ clothes you would have thought I had help, But they wasn’t satisfied unless I picked the cotton myself, You see it’s broke nigga racism, That’s that “Don’t touch anything in the store”, And it’s rich nigga racism, That’s that “Come in, please buy more”, “What you want, a Bentley? Fur coat? A diamond chain? All you blacks want all the same things”, Used to only be niggas, now everybody playin’, Spendin’ everything on Alexander Wang, New Slaves”. The vanity does exist, but it’s very much a reflection and a product of a wider culture.

U2 soul

un, bitches and bling. If you were to ask your standard Surryite how they would define hip hop then that would probably be their response. That or a cringing and slightly racist enactment of Get Low by lil Jon. Most of these people have probably never listened to any hip hop other than anything chart friendly enough to make it on to a Fearne Cotton playlist but have got this image from the widespread portrayal of rappers in mainstream media which *spoiler alert* is bullshit. Hip hop and rap came out of the fingertips of Afrika Bambaataa and Grandmaster Flash and off the tongues of Chuck D and KRS-One in the 80s. It was characterised by anti-establishment sentiment and a DIY attitude, with Grandmaster Flash literally inventing the crossfader and DJ’ing as we know it using spare parts, which is probably the most punk rock thing ever. Public Enemy and Wu Tang were (and still are) fiercely political and well informed anti-establishment lyricists, with the likes of Chuck D and Mos Def also writing essays on social justice. This hip hop is clearly a far cry from the perception of vanity and excess portrayed in the media today. The poster boy for this vanity is currently Kanye West, and with his diamond teeth, “Yeezus”, $125 white t-shirts, engagement to Kim Kar-

SOCIALisBETTER

Written by Thomas Gane

Kanye W. being revered by nakeds 2013

Does your course not give you enough work to keep you busy? Do you worry that you are just a bit too sane?

Why not let your creative side flourish and write for bite! Send articles, reviews, drawings of cats or anything else that takes your fancy to impact-bite@bath.ac.uk to embark on a truly memorable journey of self discovery.

Monday 24th February 2014

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Put those choccies to good use facebook.com/bathimpact

Written by Anthony Nearchou

Creme Egg Choco Brownies

As if brownies themselves weren’t already a sugar-chocolate-butter overload, there’s a way to make them even more decadent and bad for you. Pretty much a recipe for diabetes in a tray, but well worth it! Ingredients (approx. 12 brownies) • 185g butter • 185g dark chocolate • 3 large eggs • 275g golden caster sugar • 85g plain flour • 40g cocoa powder • 6 Cadbury’s Creme Eggs Preheat the oven to 160c and grease a 20cm square baking tin. Over a bowl of boiling water, melt and mix the butter and chocolate. Leave to cool. In a large bowl break the three eggs and add the golden caster sugar. Whisk the sugar and eggs until a thick milkshake-like mixture is made. Pour the cooled melted chocolate over the above egg-sugar mixture, and slowly fold them together. Sieve the flour and cocoa powder onto the mixture and gently fold into the mixture. Pour the mixture into the baking tin and bake in the oven for 15 minutes. Take the tin out the oven, cut the Creme eggs in half and lightly press the halves into the mix. Put the tin back in the oven to cook the brownies for a further 5-10 minutes. Remove the tray from the oven, leave to cool and cut into squares. Eat the entire tray!

Reese’s Pieces Peanut Butter Cookies

For those peanut butter lovers out there, these cookies are divine. If you don’t believe in a God, these will make you think otherwise. You’ll truly be going nuts for these cookies (awful pun intended). Ingredients (approx. 25-30 cookies) • 115g softened butter • 100g granulated sugar • 100g brown sugar • 130g peanut butter • 1 egg • 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract • 130g cup plain flour • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda • 1/4 teaspoon salt • 200g Reese’s Pieces Preheat oven to 180c. In a large bowl, beat and mix the butter, granulated and brown sugar, the peanut butter, egg and vanilla extract. Gradually sieve the flour to the above mixture, as well as the baking soda and salt, and beat until blended. Stir in the Reese’s Pieces. Lay greaseproof paper onto a tray, and spread separated heaped teaspoons onto the paper. Bake in the oven for 10-12 minutes until the edges of the cookies are lightly browned. Remove from the oven and allow to cool slightly before transferring onto a wire rack to cool completely.

Oreos Cookie & Cream Hot Chocolate

With all this awful weather, there’s nothing you need more than a night in with a good cup of hot chocolate. Oreo hot chocolate sounds like something you’d expect from Shakeaway, but you can make it easily yourself for half the price.

Tobleron Fondue

One of Nigella Lawson’s own recipes, so of course you can expect it to be overly indulgent. Great and insanely easy to prepare for a group of people. There may not by a sprinkling of cocaine, but it’s still relatively addictive! Ingredients (serves 4) • 500g Toblerone chocolate • 250ml double cream • 60ml milk For dipping in the fondue • Strawberries • Banana pieces • Marshmallows • Even more chocolate! In a bowl over a pan of simmering water (or using a fondue if you’re lucky to have), melt broken up pieces of Toblerone and mix with the cream and milk. Best to serve in small warmed bowls for each person. If you have the fondue set you can serve the bowls above small flames to keep the fondue warm.

Ingredients • 1 pint of milk • 3-4 teaspoons of hot chocolate powder • 5 Oreos • Whipping cream • Additional crushed Oreos for topping On the hob, warm the milk up on a low heat, ensuring the milk does not burn or boil. Add the hot chocolate powder and stir into the milk. Finely grind the Oreos in a blender or food processor, and add to the warm milk. Serve with the whipped cream and crushed Oreos on top. Adding marshmallows also makes it taste great!

Monday 24th February 2014

Literary corner Jeremy Pettis

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Lesson one of warfare

“Rule one: be prepared” It had been stressed often enough. So every day before heading out I prepare myself.

greceres

A poem by Lily Morris

First: Camouﬂage. I buff paint into my skin, blending different pigments So that I blend in with my surroundings: It’s safer that way Second: Equipment. My communications device is fully charged. I check it – no messages – and stow it away. Nearly ready to go. A short story by Connor McGrogor Morton

onday morning, Agi got up mega early, rubbed on her eyes, getting gooey splodges of mascara flecked on her hand. ‘For god’s sake,’ she thought, she’d left her mascara on the night before so that she could get out of the door as quickly as possible when she’d gotten up, but apparently Sam had forgotten to turn off the heating, like he’d promised, and her sweat had combined with it . She decided she’d have to skip breakfast, or she wouldn’t have the time to get ready. She trudged up the stairs, oddly and jauntily, like a slinky going in reverse. When she arrived at the door to the loo, she entered and closed the door as slowly as possible behind her, to avoid waking up her housemates, even though they’d totally been dicks and left the heat on, when they said they wouldn’t. She turned on the shower, chucked her t-shirt on the floor and whipped off her knickers and with surprising elegance for that early in the morning, glided into the shower, soundless. As quickly as possible, with the aid of make-up wipes, she had a full body clean. She also thought, while she was here, she may as well wash her hair, because she has eczema, and neglecting her hair is, frankly, a terrible idea. After getting out of the shower, and frantically rubbing herself with a towel, she jumped onto the toilet and sat pushing for an incredibly long time, because she had constipation, and her nerves created by her own self-consciousness of how long she was taking was only exacerbating the problem. She was almost there, when a savage knock at the door made her sphincter clench tighter than Scrooge’s fists. “Hurry up, you’re taking forever!” Sam bellowed through the door, as a volume that was way too loud and with a tone far too aggressive than was called for, at such an hour. After an even longer time than was needed, with the huffs of Sam penetrating the door only serving to make matters worse, she got up and chucked on her makeup as quickly as possible, veiled the room in a spraying of Fresh Forest

air freshener and unlocked the door. “Finally! God, did you spend all that time putting on your make up? For fuck’s sake!” Agi meekly nodded, and trudged past him, and down the stairs, upset by Sam’s merciless onslaught of dickishness. Sam is a self-righteous prick at the best of times. He believes that Agi is vain. He believes this, but as we can see, he’s overlooked the fact that her taking ages is entirely his fault He is the vain one here, only thinking about himself. Agi had not slept very well, due to the heat in the room, and after the attack on her by Sam, she was in a bit of a bad state, as anyone would be at that point, surely? So, she put on the first clothes that she saw strewn across her floor. She was still slightly shocked, but running late, and not being able to do anything about it at that particular time. She crept out the door, again slowly, so the door closing didn’t wake anyone up and flew to the bus stop, as quickly as possible. Unbeknownst to Agi, she is astoundingly beautiful. If you saw her- well, put it this way, you’d probably think she was one of the most beautiful women you’d ever seen, she’d probably be in the top seven per cent. After all, the categorisation of women was a pastime of her roommates and their social circle, especially after a few cups. Flustered, and out of breath from the serious pace she’d employed on route to the bus stop, she was glad to see a bus pulling up, and no queue at all, which helped to settle her turbulent spirit. Her cheeks, as usual for out-of-breath people, had gone a faint shade of red, and not so usually, it had actually complimented her, and really brought out the complex colours in her eyes, a fact that she was completely oblivious to. Self-conscious as always, she waited. The bus pulled up, and she stepped on and went to pay the driv… “Hey, there’s a queue here, princess!” Shouted a girl, from the queue that was in fact there, but Agi in her flustered state had not seen. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see the que-,“ Agi

Third: Provisions. Nutrition vouchers, all stocked up: Cards, paper, and transport tokens. Time to report for duty. I look once more in the mirror, Shake out my hair, Zip up my boots, Touch up my lipstick, and Head into town.

attempted to reply, “Yeah, yeah, good excuse, just go, you’re clearly better than us, anyway.” Said the girl, and this particular comment, after the words launched at her before by Sam so harshly this morning, hit a particular point of Agi’s mind which was niggling at her: the idea that she may actually be vain. Now, it was pretty clear to anyone in the queue that Agi was a little out of sorts, and this particular girl had chosen to do what she did, because she wanted everyone in the queue to see her as the fighter against injustice. This is because, of course, she is vain. She wanted people to look up to her, and this in itself is vain. She got on the bus, despite her mind being jumbled, and it didn’t really matter, because the bus was pretty close to empty, and the line was very short anyway. Agi sat at the back of the bus, feeling bowled over by this morning’s events. She was in fact, only about as vain as everyone is, and naturally the idea that she was any more than this, upset her deeply. Luckily, her friend Monique was on the bus happily chomping on strawberries. With a seat next to her free, Agi sat down, the most flustered she’d ever been and in a true English fashion, bottled her problem deep down and started chatting to Monique. “God I’m starving,” said Agi, and to that, Monique offered her a strawberry. Agi declined, to which Monique said “God, why do you not eat?” Assuming it was because Agi was looking

out for ﬁgure and wouldn’t even eat a strawberry or one of those girls who would rather starve themselves, than gorge their gluttonous face oﬀ, but it was actually because Agi is intolerant to fructose, hence the extended toilet trip earlier that day, which was due to some fruit punch she’d drunk, unaware of the content. Now, Monique had made this implicative comment to Agi, because she was Jealous of the way Agi looked, and pitied herself, as she was always gorging, mostly not on fruits as it transpires. She’d just so happened to receive a complimentary punnet, that day. Agi’s father had once told her that self-pity, is another form of vanity; worrying about the way you look, or act, in comparison of others (other than stopping yourself being a rude wanker) is another form of self-obsession, and hence vanity. Unfortunately, due to Agi’s nature, though an eager listener to others, her low self-esteem and inability to register anything near self-worth, constantly inhibit the implementation of such ideas – she is far too busy worrying about what people think, to worry about herself. Now, Agi was seriously upset, but just carried on with her day, trying not to think about it too much. She had been left feeling like a vain person, she felt worthless and unimportant when she was in fact not; she was made to feel so by three obnoxious, self-involved and fundamentally vain people she was too obsequious to leave behind.

Monday 24th February 2014

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Sex Column

Horoscopes

Je@n

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

Pisces

February 20 - March 20 A millionaire in Africa needs to seek asylum in Britain; however, he needs someone to hold on to his money for a while. You will be chosen for this auspicious task. March 21 - April 20 Just enter your bank details and live the Your attitude over the last few life you have always weeks is a direct cause of the wanted. flooding in England. Sort your shit out! God! In other news, Poseidon wants his hippocamp back; if you find April 21 - May 20 it call 534. That says sea in computer Sometimes you speak! feel as if the weight of the whole world is on your shoulders; it is important May 21 - June 20 to remember that you are just a small part of the world, and all your friends will gladly Bet your life savings on a cock help you with all fight… Go on… Yeah, you know you that shit. want to. You could win big. Imagine all the other bets you could make with your winnings. You have a pretty good eye for poultry. How hard could it be? Place the bet.

 Aries

 Taurus



 Cancer

Gemini

You will cry unexpectedly half way through a normal everyday activity this week. No one will care, you don’t really have any friends; they just want you for your looks/ money/humour. Even your cat hates you. Drink deals in the Plug this Friday… completely unconnected.

June 21 - July 21



Leo

July 22 - August 22 Vladimir Putin wants to kiss you on the lips, and hold your hand. Russian men do that you know… they’re not gay… I mean they don’t touch children or anything. Hmmm, is that right? No… no that’s not Russia, that’s Catholicism – or the BBC. But anyway, you will fulﬁl your dream of gold at the Olympics.

Aliens will invade your mind and set up a twitch play. You will walk in circles for hours throwing all your prized possessions to the wind. People will ﬂock to watch you in mild amusement.

 Virgo

August 23 - September 22

 Libra



Dreams are a great way to unleash hidden sexual fantasies. Recently I had the opportunity to put one or two of them into action. Admitting this in print feels a little odd, and I know in some ways it is quite vain, here it goes. In my dreams I often see myself in 3rd person or reflected in a mirror; the idea of watching my self-having sex, is exciting, slightly naughty and very selfindulgent. Quite a few people, who I have told this to, have looked at me strangely or called me narcissistic; to look a bit deeper, perhaps as a very image conscious person, it is a direct result of that. Within reason no one should feel guilty about their desires and fantasies that we’re never truly in control of, or what we find exciting. Knowing the unlikelihood of finding a person with the same slight perversions as me; leads me to think this is a fantasy that the world will never be regaled with. Forever to be left in the recesses of my mind, well until google glass comes out. Not many people know there are already a variety of partner based apps in development, allowing for shared vision amongst other things. You can imagine my surprise then when a certain someone who I had been chatting to on tinder for

quite some time, mentioned in a somewhat flirty manner that their bathroom had a variety of full length mirrors around the bath and most importantly a carpet with a rug . After a tentative night out, much of which was spent trying to decipher the true meaning behind the seductive messages, we both managed to stumble back to the house and more importantly the bathroom. I must admit I was quite worried that something I enjoyed so much privately may be diluted or perverted by a real living breathing person. The night went smoothly however and there was a really natural feeling to both the conversation and with the body language – something that should never be overlooked. I left in the morning feeling extremely fulfilled and just a bit grimy (in a good way). Fantasies are delicate things, never rush to try one out if it doesn’t feel right, if done correctly however they can really spice things up and reinvigorate your personal sex life or sex life with a significant other. Everyone has their own little dirty secret, never be ashamed to let your slip to a few special people, who knows they may even surprise you when you least expect it.

Sagittarius

November 22 - December 21

If you hadn’t seen your parents lying together, in the crudest sense of the word that is, and you feel like you’re unable to become aroused, there’s one solution: sleep with your parents.

20 per cent of gay men are left handed and 10 per cent of straight men are left handed. Which hand do you hold your cocks with? (Statistics provided by the gay in the oﬃce.)

September 23 - October 22 The Moon, THE MOON, look to the Moon, may sausages taste like bacon, food sits on monkeys brows… who are you? Cat. CAT. Meow. I was born in January and I’m insane. Perhaps you are too?

If you’re Paolo Nutini, something as simple as new shoes can make your day. This cultural reference is out of date. Check the Metro horoscopes for more details.

 Scorpio

October 23 - November 21



Capricorn

December 22 - January 20

Illustrations illustrated by Charles Bertram Jones Horoscopes written by



Aquarius

January 21 - February 19

The Moon, THE MOON, look to the Moon, may sausages taste like bacon, food sits on monkeys brows… who are you? Cat. CAT. Meow. I was born in January and I’m insane. Perhaps you are too?

Monday 24th February 2014

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Snuzzly Puzzly Zone

Quick Quiz

1. Which US President is known as the Great Emancipator? 2. Niagara Falls straddles the border between which US state and which Canadian province? 3. Which member of The Beatles narrated the first two series of Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends? 4. Which classic French novel opens with the lines “Mother died today. Or maybe yesterday; I can’t be sure.”? 5. Which chocolate bar was originally known as Rowntree’s Chocolate Crisp? 6. Which British chemist first isolated calcium, magnesium, boron and barium? 7. In Monty Python and the Holy Grail, with what is the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog finally defeated? 8. In colloquial North American English, what is a John Hancock? 9. Which technology company is known as The Big Blue? 10. Who is the only British Prime Minister to have been assassinated? Rules for ArithMaster:

Arithmaster

Enter the numbers 1–6 into the grid so that each number appears precisely once in each row and column. For each barred block, the result of applying the given arithmetic operation to the numbers within the block must equal the given result.

For all puzzle

Rules for Bridge It!: Connect all the islands (circles) by horizontal or vertical bridges (straight lines) such that the number of bridges from each island is equal to the number inside the island, no two bridges cross, and all the islands are connected. A maximum of two bridges (drawn in parallel if required) may run between any two islands.

Bridge It!

Across solutions, visit our 1 Yuri _______: ﬁrst human in outer facebook page and like, space (7) to view. 5 (Nautical) Nearest the stern (7) Down 10 Excessively talkative (10) 2 Hawaiian greeting (5) 11 Silly person; grandmother; (Austral3 Entertainment, recreation (9) ia) the head (4) 4 As a precaution (2,4) 12 Be crazy (4,1,5,5) 6 Vulgar-tongued woman (8) 13 Lost, confused (2,3) 7 Tropical fruit (5) 15 Tower of London guard (9) 8 Growing old (9) 18 Fundamental branch of mathemat9 Evening party or reception (6) ics (3,6) 14 Korean martial art (3,4,2) 20 Minor, triﬂing (5) 16 Change or addition to e.g. legis22 Absolutely nothing — man defeats lation (9) yawns (anag.) (5,5,5) 17 Identical (8) 25 Nasal mucus (4) 19 Melt and clarify (fat, butter, etc.) 26 Instrument for measuring wind (6) speed (10) 21 Business magnate (6) 27 Coal miner (7) 23 Praise highly (5) 28 One more (7) 24 Exclamation of disagreement (2,3)

I think it is time for my wellingtons!

Quiz Answers: 1. Abraham Lincoln, 2. New York and Ontario, 3. Ringo Starr, 4. L’Étranger (The Stranger) by Albert Camus, 5. Kit Kat, 6. Sir Humphry Davy, 7. The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, 8. A signature, 9. IBM and 10. Spencer Perceval.

Dialinear

Rules for Dialinear: Draw a diagonal line through each square such that any point with a circled number has precisely that many lines meeting at it and the diagonal lines never form a loop.

Puzzles created by Dorian Lidell

Maybe someone should think about some flood defenses...

Illustration by Poppy Peake

This rain is ruining my hair...