BBM April 2017 Tabloid

AUSTRALIA

BBMLIVE.COM WORK & TRAVEL FREE #916 | Australia’s no.1 publication for Brits, Irish & Internationals

WIDE OPEN S PA C E

FESTIVAL SPECIAL

Page14

Sydney Comedy Fest Interviews...

PHILL JUPITUS ROMESH RANGANATHAN Page 6

$100 Win A Bar Tab

With the long weekend coming up, celebrate with your mates at The Palace Hotel, Sydney and win $100 bar tab to keep the party going. Page 6.

Wide Open Space Festival The Gum Ball Sydney Comedy Festival 24 Hours in Broome Expat News

Expat Deals & Advice Best nights out in Sydney & Melbourne UK Expat Interview Global Travel Ideas Ibiza Travel Deal

BEST AUSTRALIA TOUR DEALS

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PROPER BOOZERS & EXPAT HANGOUTS Sydney THE PORTERHOUSE

Looking for a traditional pub with excellent pub grub and food deals throughout the week? Look no further than this traditional Irish boozer in the heart of Surry Hills serving up Guiness as well as pub staples such as Steak & chips at great prices.

233 Riley Street, Surry Hills www.porterhouse.com.au

THE BAT & BALL HOTEL

From 10kg buckets of chicken wings for just $10 to one of the best roast dinners in town, the Bat & Ball will keep you fed and watered all week with nightly meal deals at great prices in a fantastic setting with a great atmosphere. What more could you ask for?

Corner of Cleveland & South Dowling Streets, Sydney www.parksidebar.com.au

Melbourne TURF BAR

The Turf Bar is one of the most well equipped sports bars in Victoria and shows live sport all year round. Don’t miss out on Wednesdays at The Turf bar for some great drinks deals.

131 Queen St, Melbourne Turfbar.com.au

ROOFTOP BAR AND CINEMA

Open daily, 11am through to 1am the Rooftop Bar is your chance to step high above the hustle and bustle of Melbourne’s streets, and enjoy the skyline of the city with a coffee or cool beverage in hand! And what’s more this sharp team of creative minds decided to combine the Rooftop Bar with the Rooftop Cinema!

Committed to showcasing arthouse, classic and recent release films in a completely unique urban environment you can enjoy a classy afternoon, evening and night at the Rooftop Bar & Cinema!

252 Swanston St, Melbourne www.rooftopcinema.com.au

P.J. O’BRIENS

This Irish themed chain of pubs will certainly give you the feel of a traditional Irish pub. With live trad music, Guinness, Sunday roasts, pies and more, it’s the perfect place to cosy up on a Sunday for some TLC in the form of great ales and comfort food!

Southgate Restaurant & Shopping Precinct, Southbank www.pjobriens.com.au

Perth HULA BULA BAR

A tropical paradise in the heart of the city! Drop into Hula Bula Bar for a cheeky cocktail or plan to spend a cool evening with your

travel buddy! Relax in the exotic surrounds and sip on a classic Tiki Cocktail that’s guaranteed to tickle your taste buds! With weekly themed evenings too, get swept away by the rum soaked rhythms of Reggae, Ska, Calypso, Mento, Limbo and Soca!

12 Victoria Ave, Perth www.hulabulabar.com

MUSTANG BAR

Situated in Perth’s nightlife centre, Northbridge, Mustang Bar is where you’ll find entertainment throughout the week. A real hub for visitors to Perth, Wednesday nights are a big pull for students and backpackers with their $5 entry fee giving you entry into their raffle, pool competition and also some great Aussie BBQ to fill you up.

46 Lake Street, Northbridge www.mustangbar.com.au

Brisbane PIG AND WHISTLE

The Pig and Whistle has a style and ambience all of its own and claiming a reputation as a ‘classic British pub’ get ready to fight for the best seats with some hardcore fans. The Pig N Whistle is where you’ll also find some great live sport action on their screens.

Riverside Centre123 Eagle St, Brisbane www.pignwhistle.com.au

WHAT’S ON AT THE ARGYLE A Sydney institution to take you through the week. The Argyle, situated in Sydney’s Rocks area is a hub for entertainment, great music, good food and drinks and positive vibes every night of the week.

Want a chilled one on a Monday?

Join in with The Argyle’s Movie Mondays where you’ll receive free popcorn upon entry as well as a free 12 inch pizza when you purchase a $36 cocktail jug from 7-10pm.

Which Movies can you see this April?

April 3rd – Talladega nights April 10th – The Ring Horror Experience (this is a ticketed event, includes a cocktail) April 17th – How to be single April 24th – Mike and Dave need

wedding dates Make Wednesdays your “exercise” night as you join in with Salsa Wednesdays at The Argyle. From 8.30pm til midnight you can burn some calories to some Latin beats with DJ Miro alongside guest salsa DJs on rotation every week for free!

Come Thursday and it’s time to get ready for the weekend with The Argyle’s $10 cocktails from 7pm. Saturdays are spectacular at The Argyle, with this April seeing local legend Minx, Glover and Tass playing two rooms alongside fire breathers and other weird and wonderful entertainment.

Not ready to wind down? Sunday Socials at The Argyle is where it’s at. This month, don’t miss an epic Sunday session on Easter Sunday as Mike Champion and DJ Cadell will be spinning RnB classics all night long to make the most out of the long weekend.

Keep up with all the exciting events at The Argyle at www.theargylerocks.com

www.bbmlive.com

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SPORTS

Same Name in Blame Game When Ireland captain Seamus Coleman had his leg broken in a cynical tackle by Neil Taylor during last month’s World Cup qualifier, it didn’t take long for mad Irishmen everywhere to vent their anger online at the Welshmen, with a torrent of abusive tweets flooding his Twitter account.

The only problem is, they were directed at the wrong Neil Taylor - so a former Liberal

The Eagle Has Landed…

A Punch

When Ghanaian womanjuggler Mohammed Anas put his foot in it by thanking his wife AND his girlfriend in a post-match interview after winning a man-of-the-match award, it was the most unintentionally embarrassing acceptance speech since the makers of La La Land picked up the Best Picture award at the Oscars.

His blunder quickly went viral, but as if admitting on

live TV that you’re shagging someone behind your wife’s back wasn’t enough of a hole to fall into, Anas has decided to keep digging.

Ironically it was having too many holes to choose from that got him into this mess in the first place.

For the record, Anas initially got into trouble after a game for the Free State Stars last month. After being handed the MOM award, he said: “Thank you for this, I appreciate my fans. My wife and my girlfriend... I mean my wife, sorry, I love you so much from my heart.”

After the clip was picked up by every major news

Drawing Attention to Offensive Tactics Whether it’s the back of a toilet cubicle, a blackboard at school, the urge to scrawl a crude penis on whatever canvas comes to hand is too much for some men to resist.

In some, it’s a seemingly unconscious desire, as hockey fans in Hungary found out during

Coaching Wieners and Losers A college football coach gave his team something to chew on in the US recently after being accused of slapping his cock in a hot dog bun and declaring “you think that’s a big dog – take a look at this!”

Super Harsh Super League

organisation on the planet, Anas decided to pour cold water on the scandal.

Unfortunately, he picked up a bucket of oil instead.

“My family knows that I call my daughter my girlfriend.

That’s what I was talking about. I don’t have a girlfriend,” the Ghanaian striker said. “I love her so much. She’s given me two beautiful children. She is fine. She knows what kind of man I am so I am not worried.”

We know Americans are unpopular at the minute after voting in a mad gibbon as president, but Charlton Athletic may have taken things a tad far - after punching an American eagle.

Crystal Palace mascot Kayla was punched in the beak by mad Addicks fan Daniel Boylett when violence broke out between the two

In a bid to stop the barrage of abuse, Taylor responded with his own tweet: “1: I do not play football. 2: I dont even like football. 3: I was in a school footie team aged about 6 (we lost every game).”

Still, if he’s a politician, he probably deserves all the abuse he gets. sets of fans in 2015. And while that might seem like a while ago, the cogs of British justice turn so slowly he’s only just gone to trial.

Kayla’s handler Chris Belsey was walking the bird of prey around the Selhurst Park pitch when a punch was thrown from the crowd, the jury heard. “As he passed the stand he noticed three or four fans were shouting abuse and one of these three or four lent over the barrier and threw a punch directed at Kayla,” prosecutor Daniel Higgins said.

“Mr Belsey is unsure if the punch directed at the eagle had landed.” Sounds like he probably just winged him.

So we’re glad that’s all cleared up. He was just referring to his daughter in a weirdly incestual way.

Nothing to report here.

post-match commentary when a pundit unwittingly draw a penis while analysing a play.

The presenter was commentating on an NHL game between the Winnipeg Jets and the Colorado Rockies, when he illustrated the game’s tactics using a touch screen first circling two players, then demonstrating the arching move they would make towards goal. Hey presto, a huge pink penis. It prompted giggles from his fellow pundits but that’s possibly because he added a few hairs and drops of spunk as well.

Brady’s Bunch of Jerseys Found It’s been a tumultuous couple of months since Donald Trump took office, but after weeks of controversy about walls, travel bans, dodgy links to Russia and repealing Obamacare, the new White House administration seems to have got its priorities right with the news that the FBI have finally located Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jerseys after a month-long search.

Bizarrely, the wang-happy coach – Jim Sharkey of Spokane - was allowed to continue coaching after receiving a written reprimand following three complaints. But he came under fire again when more players came forward saying they witnessed the lewd act and reportedly linked him to other incidents of “questionable behaviour”.

Brady had two jerseys stolen, including the one he wore while leading the Patriots to the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history - a 34-28 win over the Atlanta Falcons on February 5. Brady wore the other jersey in the 49th Super Bowl two years ago, when the Patriots came from behind to beat the Seattle Seahawks, 28-24.

The jerseys were found “in the possession of a credentialed member of the international media,” the National Football League said last month. It is understood the FBI have now been tasked with finding Trump’s favourite pair of socks.

“When this is done, I’ll be happy to talk about my teaching and coaching affairs,” Sharkey said while masturbating into a Big Mac.

The Chinese Government doesn’t exactly have a great track record of greeting foreigners into the country, but when it comes to football, the powers-that-be practically drop their drawers, bend over and ask anyone from Europe or South America with a pair of boots to “just have fun with it”.

This point was rammed home when two Chinese players were punished after a game featuring big-name players Carlos Tevez, Axel Witsel and Alexandre Pato.

Shenhua’s Qin Sheng stamped on Witsel while defending a corner and was shown a straight red card - but that was just the start of the punishment. After the game, he was fined nearly £35,000 by his club, forced to apologise on social media, suspended for a whopping six months - then fined another £14,000 for good measure.

They’ve already thrown flipping great wodges of cash at anyone who’s set foot on a Premier League pitch to entice them over, and now it seems foreign players are guaranteed the kind of outlandish, over-thetop protection only previously seen in the film The Bodyguard.

Later in the match, Sun Shilin goaded Pato and gave him an ironic thumbs-up following a missed penalty. He was duly suspended for two matches and told to pay a fine of £1134. It’s just a good job no one injured Tevez or their body would have been discovered in a ditch the next day.

Warburton Keen to Roar as Lions Leader England have been crowned champions again, Ireland managed to stop them claiming a grand slam, and for once Scotland weren’t complete crap. In short, this year’s Six Nations was a pretty good tournament for the home nations all round.

Unless you’re Welsh - but then you guys had Euro 2016 so stop being greedy fuckers.

So with that out of the way, attention now turns to the Lions tour of New Zealand, and even though it’s a few months away, there’s already some debate over whether Sam Warburton should stay on as captain following the Aussie tour a couple of years ago. “Fans, pundits, media are all talking about it but I haven’t had a single conversation about that,” he Welshed.

“I’ve been having these questions, noticing things on my Twitter feed. Every day people are predicting their teams and captains. You can’t get away from it.”

By Richard Gadsby

Double Trouble for Ghanaian Star

Democrat councillor with the same name was somewhat bemused to wake up the following morning to discover scores of expletive-ridden hate-tweets telling him he should be ashamed.

www.bbmlive.com

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Sydney Comedy Festival

24th April – 21st May 2017 The Sydney Comedy Festival is Sydney’s biggest annual comedy event and will kick off from 24th April until 21st May 2017.

Every April and May, hundreds of the world’s funniest comedians take to stages across Sydney to entertain an audience of more than 122,500 people, followed by a 56-stop Showcase Tour across Australia that performs to over 25,000 annually.

The Festival kicks off in grand style with lavish gala events: the Sydney Comedy Festival Gala at the Sydney Opera House as well as Cracker Night (Sydney’s biggest night of comedy) at the Enmore Theatre, The Concourse Chatswood and Riverside Theatre.

The Festival program, curated by Festival Director Jorge Menidis, features performances from the finest Australian acts, the biggest international stars and the most promising emerging talent offering up everything from stand up to sketch, satire, impro, musical, absurdist, theatre, magic and kids comedy.

Beginning in 2005 as the Cracker Sydney Comedy Festival, the Festival officially rebranded as Sydney Comedy Festival in 2009.

Today, the Festival is one of Sydney’s fastest growing cultural events and every year aims to offer a bigger, better or more diverse program to satisfy Sydney’s rampant appetite for comedy.

Buy tickets to Sydney Comedy Festival at

sydneycomedyfestival.com.au

PHILL JUPITUS On an unseasonably sunny day in Essex, BBM Live’s Hannah Shakir speaks with funny man and arachnophobe, Phill Jupitus, ahead of his return to Australia after 25 years!

Explaining more about the show he will be performing, Juplicity, Phill unravels the thought behind the play on words title of his show, “I think it’s the fact that as a comedian, there’s a dual nature to you.

And I see it in the faces of people I meet in the street. There’s an initial excitement.

They go ‘oh, good lord, it’s that boy off QI, Buzzcocks, or whatever’ and they’re really giddy. And then who they meet is Dot’s son Phillip, who’s a very quiet boy. It’s about that. There’s not a central theme other than I thought ‘Juplicity’ was a really good word to do with my duality. I like a good title.”

Carrying on excitedly, Phillip – as he calls himself – elaborates “Usually I’ll make up a word for an Edinburgh Show title, rather than call it something like ‘Post Truth’ or ‘Diamonds Down, No Trumps’ or something like that - the dreadful Edinburgh titles that you see every year. So, I make up words just because I like playing with language.

It’s good fun. So, it’s interesting, you do the name and then you start thinking about there is a sort of duplicity to comedy because you’re telling true stories but you’re embellishing them. All comedy is, is a good story told well. It’s like the audience and you as the performer, you’re all complicit in a lie. So, I think Juplicity is a great title for a stand-up show. I’d go as far as to say, the greatest ever. Well, not really, no. I would imagine that the one you want is ‘Live at the Hollywood Bowl.’ That’s the one you want.”

I remind him of the time he unveiled on stage about his daughter losing her virginity and ask if his daughter minded being the subject of his act, to which he explains that

ROMESH RANGANATHAN it was about four years after the incident, and that his other daughter even got annoyed that she didn’t get a mention.

Explaining further, Phill says, “I changed the name of the young man in question. But all of the things I say in that routine happened.

It’s all true. All of it. The beer in the fridge, all of it. That young man, he’d probably be within his rights to give me some sort of invoice. But I think that’s just all of my stand-up that works the best is based on things that genuinely happened. There’s a routine I did years ago, I did about being frightened of spiders and my father-in-law holding a spider. I talk about the legs of the spider poking out from between his fingers. I can still visually remember that actually happening. There’s something I talk about in the new show, physical things that I describe. I paint pictures with words. What can I say? I’m a poet. It’s a curse.”

Going back to the idea of duplicity with regard to his ‘Juplicity’ show, Phill almost falls into a brand new routine by accident as his mind (and mouth) runs away with him, “…coming back to the duplicity, when you’re on stage, there’s Phillip Jupitus, the real me, is in that body that’s on stage, Phill Jupitus the performer, up there doing his thing. But Phillip Jupitus is still being carried along in this insane, like, meat taxi that is Phill Jupitus the performer. I’m like a really unruly Uber and I’m just going the route I want to go. So, I’ll be in the middle, going down a particularly dodgy route and there’s me inside going ‘no, don’t go this way.’ And ‘shut up mate, I know what I’m doing.’ I’m like a horrible taxi driver when I’m doing the gig. I quite like this as an analogy. This might actually make the act. This is what it’s like being a stand-up. You are your own taxi driver and you’re going a way you don’t really want to go, quite often. Sometimes, the taxi stops altogether.”

A self-confessed “moody prick”, Romesh Ranganathan has risen through the comedy ranks over the past few years, catching the attention of fans at Edinburgh Festival back in 2010. Since then it’s been a wash of comedy panel shows, Live at The Apollo, comedy tours and TV appearances. Here, we check in with Romesh to find out what he’s been up to ahead of his first ever Australia tour of his show, ‘Irrational’.

Romesh’s trip to Australia will be his very first time setting foot on Aussie soil, and he admits it’s overdue, “It’s got me into a bit of trouble actually because I’ve got family in Australia and I’ve never gone to visit them. And now I’m going for work. It makes me look really bad. It’s genuinely like a thing, do you know what I mean? It’s really bad. So, I’m looking forward to it but also, I feel a bit bad. But what are you going to do?” He moves on to state that his wife and children will also be missing him whilst he’s Downunder and the reasons? “One, is my wife doesn’t really fancy taking three little kids on a flight of that length, but also, she finds me deeply unattractive when I’m doing tour shows. Like, comedians are selfinvolved anyway but apparently, I become next level, do you know what I mean? So, for the good of our marriage, she’s staying here.”

Often using his family life as a source of inspiration when it comes to his stage act, I probe to see if the comedian ever worries about the impact of including his children in his act will backfire in years to come. “I do

actually, to be honest with you. I think it will be a problem. It’s a weird one because I’ve always thought being honest is what I want to do on stage. As I’ve done more standup, I’ve become more honest on stage and that’s worked for me. But at the same time, my kids, wife, family and friends didn’t sign up to have themselves poured over in the public eye or on stage or whatever. But at the same time, I get my kids cool stuff. So, if they’ve got a problem with it, I think ‘yeah, but you also got an Xbox. Do you know what I mean? Make a decision, mate’.”

Romesh Ranganathan Tour Dates 19th - 23rd April – Pavillion at Arts Centre Melbourne Book at Ticketmaster 1300 172 183 www.ticketmaster.com.au 25th April – Factory Theatre Sydney Book at Festival Box Office 9020 6966 www.sydneycomedyfest.com.au or Ticketek 132 849 www.ticketek.com.au

by Hannah Shakir

“I think it was 1999, when we were all thinking about Prince. Poor Prince. So, I went to Melbourne. I went for Paramount Comedy Channel. We were doing a show about the festival.” Phill recalls of his previous trip to Australia. Continuing he explains, “I went out there, made a TV show for Paramount and while I was over there, I did four gigs. But it was just guest spots so, it was only twenty [minute slots] – I think I did three stand-up gigs and one telly show.

That was it. So, I’ve never done a solo oneman hour in Australia ever. So, I’ve got to throw in a little bit of everything so, there’s going to be music, poetry and stand-up in my Australian shows.” He says, sounding excited about the prospect.

www.bbmlive.com

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FUNNY UK NEWS

Ninth Time’s a Charm for Randy Ron

Down and dirty in Derby As anyone who’s ever been to the East Midlands will tell you, there’s sod all to do in Derby – England’s boredom capital.

So it’s perhaps no surprise that the locals have gone a little bit kinky in a bid to boost excitement levels with local planners approving a secret, top-of-the-line fetish sex mansion featuring a classroom, prison cell, dungeons, medical chamber, adult baby room (ha!) – and even a frickin’ stable. Hire prices range from £25 for an hour on one set, to £400 for the whole studio for eight hours. Apparently you’re not allowed to hire one for two minutes and 15 seconds. We were asking for a friend.

The awesomely-named Vivienne L’Amour, 24, who is setting up the sex palace, said it was within a 15-minute

drive of Derby city centre – but apart from that no one knows where it is because of security fears. BBM can already sense a potentially fatal flaw in the business model.

“In Derbyshire, I want to create a hub for the East Midlands – for everyone who has a kink or a fetish or something unusual to have a place to come, because I will be hosting regular parties,” said L’Amour, who gave up her English degree to become a fetish model four years ago. “I want everyone to be accepted and included.”

L’Amour – who is referred to as Goddess L’Amour on the studio’s site (ego much?)

– said she wasn’t doing anything illegal and would ensure council regulations are met before the club’s official opening, expected to be in the next few months.

Considering the kind of filthy stuff politicians are into, we’re not surprised it’s been approved.

Move over Beauty and the Beast, because this year’s most romantic story is unfolding in England right now with the news that Britain’s mostmarried man (currently in the process of divorcing his eighth wife) has finally found true love at the age of 68 with a 27-year-old single mum from the Philippines.

Some cynical sorts are claiming Cristel Marquez is only interested in getting a visa by marrying old romantic Ron Sheppard, but he insists that’s not

Love of beer is in the blood Everyone knows the biggest secret in the beer industry is that most people think it tastes like crap and only drink it to fit in socially. Imagine the carnage if it actually tasted nice.

the case. Unlucky-in-love Ron has been alone for a year, since being dumped by Weng, 36, after 12 years of marriage, and speaks to Cristel on Skype every day.

“I hate to be alone,” he said. “Cristal’s coming over here in about 10 days’ time. I can’t wait. It makes my day, just speaking to her.”

He claims £17,000-a-year in state pensions and benefits, but reckons he will save the state a fortune by choosing a bride 40 years younger than him because she’ll look after him for free in his old age. The fact that he’ll get blow jobs as well is just a bonus.

Well wonder no more because for a mere £25,000, London-based Meantime Brewing Company can sell you a beer that’s genetically attuned to your DNA to make sure you like it.

Bone up on Best Hotel Names

Customers supply their saliva, and Meantime does the rest, eventually giving them 12 hectolitres (about 2,100 Imperial pints or 2,500 US pints) of ale tailored to taste preferences encoded in their genome.

Fancy a stiff drink? Then head to Blackpool where the newly opened Hotel Viagra will cater to your every need. Unfortunately, the locals have found the name of the guesthouse a little, erm, hard to swallow – and the owner, Neil Marshall, has been given a deadline to change it or risk getting an ASBO.

Asked why customers couldn’t just express a preference for what they already know they like, Richard Myers, marketing director for Meantime, said, “It is true that someone could just tell us whether they like sweet or bitter flavours; however we are interested in how much they really like them. For example, from the test we now understand that Ciaran (our brewmaster) has an 80 per cent tolerance to bitter flavours. Far higher than he actually thought he would.”

I’ll stick with Pure Blondes for now thanks.

But defiant Neil said he might even change the name to ‘The Niagra Hotel: Keeping You Wet All Night’.

“They are looking at any way they can to get to me - but I want a fight,” he said. “I don’t think Pfeizer, which threatened me over copyright on the name, can get me to change. Now the council have given me 21 days or I might get an ASBO. I’m not bothered though, bring it on - business has been great since all this started.”

FEATURED PUB

THE DOVE & OLIVE One of Surry Hills’ best pubs, if you’re looking for a new local hangout in Sydney, then The Dove & Olive has got your back.

This pub packs a punch for beer lovers with over 25 craft and Aussie beer tabs on rotation for the beer connoisseurs amongst you.

The Dove’s Sunday roasts is renowned with The Telegraph voting it as one of Sydney’s top 10 Sunday pub roasts.

For just $19 you can get your fill every Sunday.

Looking for a great meal deal? The Dove & Olive also have $12.50 deals from Monday to Saturday 11am - 3pm including classics such as chicken schnitzel, steak and chips and chicken and leek pie!

156 Devonshire St, Surry Hills doveandolive.com.au

WIN $100 Worth Of Drinks Vouchers Like watching EPL and other sports down the pub? Well The Palace Hotel is where you’ll find lots of sport, lots of drinks, lots of food and lots of mates. To make sure you enjoy yourself this Sydney pub are giving away a $100 bar tab.

To enter simply email us with your full name and date of birth to

competitions@bbmlive.com

Competition closes on the 10th March.

Entrants must be over the age of 18. www.palacehotelsydney.com.au

NEW VENUE ALERT: MJØLNER There’s a new venue in town and it’s brought to you by the Eau De Vie team.

Their sister venue Mjølner opened its doors at the end of March.

So what’s so special about this place? Think lots of meat: cured, cooked and carved. Lots and lots of whisky, some epic cocktails, great craft beers and beautiful wines. Throw in some battle ready cutlery, #swordsandshit and that’s it.

Situated between Redfern and Strawberry Hills, check it out now for yourself for a decadent night of meat and spirits.

Located at 267 Cleveland St, Redfern mjolner.com.au

www.bbmlive.com

PICK OF THE FEST

LATE NIGHT SYDNEY

MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL COMEDY FESTIVAL

RECONSTRUCTED II WITH SUBB-AN & CEZAR [SECRET CARPARK LOCATION] Saturday 8th April 2017 - 2pm - 2am Secret Inner West Location, Sydney www.facebook.com/MantraCollective

Now - 23rd April 2017 Various Melbourne venues www.comedyfestival.com.au

PURE WITH CARL COX, ADAM BEYER, NOIR, ERIC POWELL

THE GUM BALL 2017

Saturday 22nd April 2017 - 12pm - 12am Hordern Pavilion, 1 Driver Ave; Moore Park go.blstr.co/PURESYD

21st - 23rd April 2017 Hunter Valley, NSW thegumball.com.au

BYRON BAY BLUESFEST 2017 13th - 17th April 2017 Byron Bay, NSW www.bluesfest.com.au

PURE 2017

21st April - Aukland, NZ 22nd - 24th April 2017 Sydney, Melbourne, Perth facebook.com/purecarlcox

FAIRBRIDGE FESTIVAL 21-24 April 2017 Fairbridge Village, South Western Highway, Pinjarra fairbridgefestival.com.au

SYDNEY COMEDY FESTIVAL 17

24th April - 21st May 2017 Various Sydney venues www.sydneycomedyfest.com.au

WIDE OPEN SPACE FESTIVAL 28th - 30th april 2017 Central Australia wideopenspace.net.au

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IF?? RECORDS + .DARKROOM PRES. STEVE BICKNELL - LOST Sunday 23rd April 2017 - 12pm - 12am Portugal Madeira Club, 1-3 Denby St, Marrickville portugalmadeiraclub.com.au

PURE 2017 There’s just 3 weeks to go to Carl Cox’s Pure 2017 event taking place in Sydney, Melbourne, Perth and Auckland, and we can’t wait!

One of the most charming DJs in the business. A musical ambassador and a veteran of acid house, a champion of techno, a dance music pioneer, label owner, King of Ibiza – you name it, Carl Cox has been there and done it, never losing sight of his passions – playing music, breaking tunes and celebrating life.

In April of 2016, Carl Cox launched the first installment of his ‘Pure’ event in Melbourne & Sydney, Australia. ‘Pure’ showcased players from the global Techno and House movements & featured: Joseph Capriati, Format:B, DJHMC & Eric Powell.

Moving on to its second year in 2017, ‘Pure’ will also include: Perth & New Zealand into it’s expanding Tour schedule.

‘Pure’ will once again feature Carl’s favourite peers, as selected and programmed by himself, Eric Powell (Bush Records) and Richie McNeill (Hardware).

PURE 2017 TOUR DATES: Friday 21 April, 2017 – Logan Campbell Centre, Auckland NZ (Please Note Noir is not playing the NZ show)* Tickets: www.rhythmandvines.co.nz

BY YOUR SIDE PRES. TWO UP & TECHNO // ANZAC DAY Tuesday 25th April 2017 - 12pm - 12am The Chippendale Hotel 87-91 Abercrombie Street, Chippendale www.thechippendalehotel.com.au

LNDRY FT. SHARAM JEY & KORMAK Saturday 29th April 2017 - 9pm - 4am Chinese Laundry, 111 Sussex St; Sydney chineselaundryclub.com.au

Saturday 22 April, 2017 – Hordern Pavilion, Sydney Tickets: premier.ticketek.com.au Sunday 23 April, 2017 – Shed 14, Melbourne Tickets: www.eventbrite.com.au Monday 24 April, 2017 – Metro City, Perth Tickets: www.megatix.com.au

Chinese Laundry, Sydney

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5 Reasons You Have To Experience BridgeClimb Sydney Whether you’ve been in Sydney five minutes or five months, you haven’t truly experienced the city until you’ve conquered the great structure that dominates the horizon.

The Sydney Harbour Bridge has been hosting climbs up to its dizzying 134 m height since 1998, providing the most spectacular views of one of the world’s most beautiful cities. So, just why should you take the 1332 steps to the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge?

1.The View

Quite an obvious reason, but you really haven’t seen Sydney until you’ve looked down on it from the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge. With panoramic views of the harbour, the city, the beaches and beyond towards the national parks, you can see so much more than you ever thought possible.

2. Face Your Fear Of Heights Scaling to this great height will tell vertigo where to go. By climbing the bridge you can face your fear head-on and you’ll be rewarded with an enormous sense of achievement.

3. Memories Will Last A Lifetime

Not only will you never forget conquering such an epic climb, you’ll be able to brag about it. This is a real bucket list activity, and the views will stay emblazoned in your mind’s eye forever.

4. Insta-famous

Your climb includes a photo-opp taken by the BridgeClimb team once you reach the summit, meaning you can share the madness of what you’ve just done once you’re back on terra firma with your family and friends to look extra tough/insane/cool.

5. A Different Perspective

BridgeClimb Sydney offer climbs at dawn, during the day at twilight and at night time meaning you can choose which time of day to marvel at the spectacular city below, either taking in the sun bouncing off the sea or the twinkling lights of the Sydney skyline.

Make your time in Sydney truly memorable. Book your BridgeClimb at www.bridgeclimb.com

EXPLORE THE SYDNEY OUTBACK

Get away from the hustle and bustle of Sydney for the day and transport yourselves back in time to what Sydney looked like prior to European settlers arriving on its shores.

With Sydney Outback you can be in the land that time forgot within 45 minutes as they take you to Ku-RingGai Chase National Park and the stunning Northern Beaches. Hop on board their 23 seat Mitsubishi Rosa tour bus and you’ll be catapulted to destinations so beautiful you didn’t think they could exist. Upon

reaching the exclusive Akuna Bay Marina in the heart of Ku-Ring-Gai you’ll climb aboard the Sydney Outback 52 Foot power catamaran.

With some ancient aboriginal rock art and other stunning parts of the National Park being inaccessible by road, taking to the waterways is your best chance to explore this lesser known Sydney park.

Where many tourists flock to the Blue Mountains, you’ll be able to get a deeper insight into Sydney’s aboriginal history with a trip to Ku-Ring-Gai as the Park holds the largest collection of Aboriginal artefacts in the entire world!

This tour has a real emphasis on Aboriginal culture, which really does make it stand out from other Sydney day tours out of the city. With Sydney Outback you’ll also get to enjoy panoramic views over Broken Bay, Lion Island, Palm Beach, Pittwater and the Central Coast. This tour also gives you the opportunity to experience an Aboriginal Welcome to Country ceremony and ochre painting on traditional lands. You’ll also find out more about the area’s swashbuckling past when it comes to shipwrecks, smugglers, pirates, escaped convicts and the Park’s important role in WWII. Sydney Outback provides tours with a difference. The educated, knowledgeable and friendly guides can help you discover more about what interests you the most in this region, and provide city hotel pick-ups, transfers and meals for your time in the Sydney Outback.

The Wilderness + Aboriginal Explorer + Cruise are $149 but you can claim 20% off by quoting bbmlive when booking directly online at www.sydneyoutback.com.au

Book your Bridgeclimb in advance at www.bridgeclimb.com

www.bbmlive.com

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EXPAT INTERVIEW visa was a lot harder, well not harder, lengthier let’s say. I applied for this visa without an agent as I knew my relationship was genuine and looking through blogs I could see that we had a lot of evidence to support the application. The hardest thing was the waiting, I think we waited about nine months from submission of documents to approval.

What’s the best thing you’ve found about living in Australia so far?

I would say the food (remember I’m based in Melbourne), such an eclectic mix of cultures and amazing quality.

Why did you decide to move to Australia?

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to live in Australia. My father’s sister lives in Perth and I was lucky enough to visit a few times as a child and fell in love. I finally decided to fly over on a working holiday visa.

When did you make the move and how long did it take you to

get set-up with a home and job?

This is my second time ‘moving’ over, the first time as a backpacker in 2010 - it took me about 10 days of looking to get temporary work and about three days to find a house share. The second time I moved back with my Australian husband in 2015, I think it took a little bit longer maybe 4-5 weeks to find a job. Luckily enough we had family to stay with, but as soon as our first pay packets were in, we found a place in about three weeks.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve found about living in Australia?

Obviously the distance and time difference is pretty hard.

Have you travelled around Australia at all? If so where has been a highlight?

Yes! So many highlights but the Bay of Fires, Tasmania on a sunny winter’s day with no-one else around was pretty spectacular.

Do you hope to stay in Australia permanently or is your move just for a while?

Permanently, I still have the travel bug but Melbourne will always be home.

What’s the one thing you miss about home?

Family.

What’s the best thing about moving to Australia?

Lifestyle.

And what’s the worst?

Price of alcohol.

If you had to give anyone who is moving to Australia a bit of advice what would it be?

I would say, save more money than you think. Everything seems really expensive on the pound, especially the beer (because it is!), don’t expect to walk into a job, the job market isn’t too great down here, be realistic. On a more positive note, make the most of all the wineries, breweries. Drink all the hipster coffee and eat all of the amazing food!

What do you do for work?

I work for a digital marketing agency as a Production Assistant.

And is it a difficult industry to find work in there?

I don’t come from a digital marketing background but there are a lot of jobs around. Like anywhere they want you to be young and have heaps of experience. Just a matter of doing the leg work and making the right contacts. My previous role in the UK was a Project Manager for FMCG - specifically packaging design, I really struggled to find jobs in this area.

How was it obtaining your visa?

Did you use a migration agent?

What type of visa did you apply for?

Working holiday visa, super easy!

All arranged via STA Travel, didn’t even think about it. The Partner

by Sandy Dhaliwal

Girl goes to Oz on a Working Holiday Visa - bags a temp job and meets a cute guy at work, fast-forward 7 years and she’s still here! We catch up with ex-pat, Rosanna Malowney, 29, originally from West Yorkshire to find out more about the journey she’s taken to be able to call Melbourne home.

What’s your favourite way to spend your weekends?

Weekends are the best! A great weekend would be heading to the Mornington Peninsula for a hike, heading to a winery for a late lunch. Back to the city in the evening to catch up with friends for dinner and drinks. Sunday would be a leisurely brunch and then head to the beach. Finally finishing off with a Sunday session at one of

the many craft breweries!

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MELBOURNEDRINKS DEALS Brown Alley, 585 Lonsdale St, Melbourne www.eventbrite.com.au

Edu Imbernon

BOYS NOIZE

German techno powerhouse Boys Noize will be returning to Australia for the Easter Long Weekend (13th-16th April) for a string of incredible headline performances on his Warehaus Tour. Catch his 3 hour set at 170 Russell.

Friday 14th April 2017 170 Russell, 170 Russell St, Melbourne VIC www.moshtix.com.au

MORNING AFTER PRESENTS EDU IMBERNON

MAN VS WILDLIFE V2.0

Man vs Wildlife v2.0 the adults only satirical take on socio-environmental issues with an educational twist premieres at the Melba Spiegeltent.

4th - 8th April 2017 Melba Spiegeltent, 35 Johnston St, Collingwood www.comedyfestival.com.au/2017/shows/ man-vs-wildlife-v2-0

SMALLTOWN WITH KOLOMBO Under his massive KOLOMBO moniker, Olivier Grégoire has had huge success with releases on labels such as Kompakt, Noir Music, Turbo, Eskimo, Future Classic, Systematic, Boxer... He consequently tours worldwide all year-round, djing his mixture of electronic house and disco.

Thursday 13th April 2017 (Good Friday Eve)

PRAHRAN HOTEL

Kick off the weekend at this iconic venue with $3 pots, $6 pints of craft and $3 wines every Friday between 4pm and 7pm.

82 High St, Windsor prahranhotel.com

BIG MOUTH

You’ll be spoilt for choice as you try and decide on a post work drink, with $4 schooners, $10 jugs, $5 basics and more to choose from on weekdays between 4pm and 7pm. Then on Fridays from 4pm until 10pm, don’t miss the $6 cocktails.

168 Acland St, St Kilda Bigmouthstkilda.com.au

Spanish sensation, hailing from Valencia, a DJ, producer, label owner and one of the hottest artists in the world right now, Edu Imbernon will play alongside Jacob Malmo, Scott Freedman, Luke Vecchio and more on Easter Saturday.

Saturday 15th April 2017 My Aeon, 791 Sydney Rd, Brunswick www.facebook.com/morningafteragency

THE LUWOW

BUNKER PRESENTS SOFT-PEDAL 7

BEER DELUXE

Soft Pedal returns to Melbourne this April.

This edition features some familiar faces in Moopie, Shedbug and Adrian Bell, alongside new faces Jess Sneddon and Stacey Holmes.

Saturday 22nd April 2017 Joey Smalls, 284 Sydney Rd, Brunswick www.bunker-music.com

THE INTERRUPTERS

The Interrupters will perform a headline show in Melbourne, whilst supporting 90s grunge favourites, Green Day during April and May. Thursday 4th May 2017 The Gasometer Hotel (18+), Melbourne oztix.com.au

Venture to Melbourne’s very own Tiki bar for $10 Mai Tais every Wednesday, Friday and on weekends between 5pm and 8pm, or $6 tequilas and $12 Margaritas all day on Thursdays. 62-70 Johnston St, Fitzroy Theluwow.com

Chase away the weekend blues with $5 pints on Mondays and $6 for selected lagers, ciders, wines, spirits and more on Tuesdays, until 1am.

29 Burwood Rd, Hawthorn www.beerdeluxe.com.au

LITTLE RED POCKET

Looking for the perfect after work hang out. Head on down to this bar/club for a fun filled Friday night with $10 Absolute cocktails, $15 beer jugs, and 2-4-1 on beer, cider, spirits and wine every Friday 4-8pm.

Mezzanine, 422 Lt Collins St, Melbourne littleredpocket.com.au

By Sandy Dhaliwal

UPCOMING EVENTS

www.bbmlive.com 13

DISCOVERY RECOMMENDS: PONYFISH ISLAND Enjoy a drink on the island in the heart of the city.

If you’re planning on a night out in the CBD, then you’re not going to want to miss the crème de la crème when it comes to the best that Melbourne has to offer... But where to find such places, you might be wondering? Especially as Melbourne’s most unique venues also tend to be their most inconspicuous too. Yes, Australia’s culture capital sure does love its secret bars, and this one in particular would be fairly easy to pass by, should you not be too familiar with this labyrinth-like district.

But floating just under the Yarra Pedestrian Bridge along the Southbank – connecting you from there to Flinders Street Station – is the charming Ponyfish Island; the zany brainchild from the team that brought us the grungy Sister Bella, the eccentric Thousand Pound Bend and the quirky Workers Club.

But what about that name, you might be thinking… Well, the place itself takes its moniker from the elusive Ponyfish, a mysterious creature apparently seen swimming in the Yarra River. Much debate has been roused as to whether the Ponyfish actually exists, or if the creature is simply a fabrication created by those who wish to believe it. Why not head on over and try and spot one for yourself? Failing that, enjoy the spoils of Ponyfish Island’s fully stocked and contemporary food menu; offering up everything from scrumptious waffles and smashed avocado on toast to mouth-watering quesadillas and toasties.

No bathing suit required! Enjoy.

Southbank Pedestrian Bridge, Southgate 3000 www.ponyfish.com.au

WHAT’S ON AT DISCOVERY

TIGHT ASS TACOS

Tuesdays from 6pm get your free tacos until they are gone. Happy hour from 5pm in the Disco Bar.

FREE WINE & CHEESE

Meet fellow backpackers for some free wine and cheese at 7, 8 and 9pm in the Disco Bar and get acquainted with your new friends and surroundings each Wednesday.

LATE LATIN NIGHTS

SHOOTERS NIGHT

FEEL GOOD THURSDAYS

SEDUCTIVE SATURDAY

Dance the evening away to samba, Latin funk and salsa with $3 Prosecco all night from 5pm on Thursdays.

Get your exercise on Thursdays with a free sports class including Yoga, Zumba, martial arts, bootcamps, dance and more.

Sign up at reception.

Love a game of pool, don’t miss Shooters Night in the Disco Bar with $5 shots on the hour at 8,9 and 10pm every Friday.

Party the night away every Saturday from 7pm and dress to impress. Includes drinking and party games in the Disco Bar.

By Sandy Dhaliwal, image courtesy of Ponyfish Island

Accessible via only one stairwell heading in and out, there is an air of exclusivity to this venue. It’s as if because you’ve found the place in question, you’re now part of a select club who’ve passed the bar’s initiation by actually tracking down its location. And you’re kindly rewarded for your efforts too, as you can pull up a pew and take in the illustrious views of the river and the Melbourne skyline, whilst enjoying your tipple of choice at its alfresco seating lining the perimeters.

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LOSE YOUR INHIBITIONS IN THE MIDDLE OF AUSTRALIA - WIDE OPEN SPACE FESTIVAL IS BACK

Imagine being in the middle of Australia surrounded by desert and scrubland as your chest thumps to the beat of a native drum. Shedding your inhibitions, your primal instincts arise and you lose all control as the rhythms take over your soul.

East of Alice Springs on the cusp of the Simpson Desert, the landscape is barren and vast. An expanse bigger than you’ve ever encountered, you’re in the Northern Territory now, where everyone must fend for themselves. Gone are the trams, busses and trains and in its place long straight roads that appear to lead to nowhere, but lurking in this vast dust bowl you’ll find a small oasis where the masses are gathering for one of the most remote events in Australia… welcome to Wide Open Space.

With the backdrop of the Red Ranges at Ross River Resort - Wide Open Space is a festival like no other - loosely comparable to the US’ Burning Man, you’re a world away from it all at Wide Open Space.

Although this may be the desert, it doesn’t mean that you won’t experience extreme weather. From the pounding rays of the sun in the day, to the desolate temperature drop of night, you need to be prepared to endure it all.

One thing you can bank on, on the sandy dry banks of the Ross River is the genuine festival experience. Aboriginal acts as well as international acts come together to celebrate music, art and culture over the course of three days meaning you can truly escape into a primal state of euphoria as you take it all in.

From the land to the trees, the beats and the breeze, the space is wide open so why not jump in?

28th - 30th April 2017

wideopenspace.net.au

J:KENZO J:Kenzo is the leading member of a new wave of artists on pioneering UK label Tempa, as well as the founder of the influential Artikal Music UK imprint. Since 2008 he has cemented himself knee deep in the underground music scene with his signature minimalistic sound of Dub, Jungle and Techno.

Renowned for his DJ skills which have seen him tour all over the world, from Japan to Australia, to Dubai to North America and all over Europe, J:Kenzo also hosts a monthly show on London’s Rinse FM showcasing his taste in everything underground.

To date J:Kenzo’s output has been consistent with releases and features on classic labels such as Metalheadz, Dub Police and Exit Records as well as a string of singles and EP’s for foundational Dubstep label Tempa.We catch up with, J:Kenzo ahead of his appearance at Wide Open Space 2017.

What have you been up to this week?

I’ve been working on some new music in the studio in preparation for the forthcoming shows this month.

Where are you right now and how is it?

I am in Kent and the weather is good which can be a rarity this time of year in England.

So you’re headed out to Australia soon for WOS 17... what are you most looking forward to whilst being in Oz? Good weather, good food and good vibes.

It’s been a few years since I was last in Oz and I’m looking forward to heading back.

You’ve toured there before, what do you like about playing Downunder?

The Australian people always bring the vibes. The last tour every show was full of energy such a great experience to play to crowds the other side of the world.

What can WOS goers expect from your set?

Beats & Bass - rolling dark and heavy.

Have you got any exciting projects on the go at the moment?

Currently working on a few projects but

putting together some new tracks for my next EP. What’s currently inspiring your sound?

A bit of everything, recently i’ve been taking samples from some old funk records and working them into my productions.

Who are 2 of your favourite artists right now?

Ivy Lab and the bossman DJ Distance.

Being involved in the underground scene, who are a couple of acts we should watch this space for?

Pugilist, Mister Shifter and Saule.

What 3 things can you never tour without?

Apart from the main things like Laptop, headphones and flash drives, I would say gym kit, toothbrush and fresh t-shirts.

What have you got planned after Australia?

Straight back into it, more shows in and around Europe leading into the summer.

Thanks for your time and we can’t wait to jam with you at WOS 17!

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16

THE GUM BALL 2017

ONES TO WATCH AT THE GUM BALL 2017

Kim Churchill

Boo Seeka

KIM CHURCHILL

The Gum Ball is back for its 12th installment at Belford in the middle of the Hunter Valley bush in rural NSW. Kicking off from the Friday afternoon, this is the ultimate traditional festival complete with camping, BYO, it’s very family friendly, one artist at a time plays on the main stage.

The Gum Ball is a great excuse to escape to the country, connect with like-minded people, great music and essential art. Soak up a bit of fresh air, kick back, relax and re-jig.

Excitingly, the full line-up for 2017 has just landed. You can view it via the line-up page on the website and includes highlights such

as Kim Churchill, Tripod, Flying Colours and The Sea Gypsies.

Keeping in mind, last year sold out in record time, if you’re looking to be part of the action, be sure to jump on board sooner than later.

Buy Gum Ball Tickets at dashville.com.au/gumball/

Known for his awesome stage presence, Kim Churchill combines lyrical artistry with fierce vocals and a virtuosic power of his guitar.

Every bit the sonic architect, Churchill, a Gum Ball alumni, weaves landscapes with both his instrument and revelatory lyrics.

At just 26, the songsmith has garnered a truly impressive list of achievements. He’s recognised as much internationally as he is in Australia, having performed headline shows, festivals and supports alike all over the planet, including Glastonbury, Billy Bragg, Falls Festival, Nahko and Medicine For The People, Montreal Jazz, Telluride Blues, and a plethora of others.

Drawing inspiration from his time in Europe and sojourns to Sri Lanka and Canada – Churchill has just finished his follow-up record to ‘Silence/Win’. To celebrate, he will perform some of these new tracks at The Gum Ball in 2017 with a few classics thrown in for good measure.

SHINING BIRD

Describing their sound as “eucalyptus dream pop”, Shining Bird craft a smoky, shimmering soundscape reminiscent of The Triffids, Icehouse and other prominent Australian groups of the ‘80s.

Shining Bird

Hailing from Austinmer, NSW, the six-piece weave a lush, layered sound, that will prove a stirring finale to this year’s festival.

Originally formed as a studio

project in 2012, Shining Bird released the Shade of the Sea EP, followed by their debut album Leisure Coast on Spunk Records in 2013.

On the back of strong reviews from publications such as Rolling Stone, Russh and the SMH, as well as earning Album of the Week on ABC’s Radio National, Leisure Coast helped propel Shining Bird towards a new bunch of listeners.

The group followed it up with the shimmering, engrossing Black Opal in October last year.

Make sure you stick around on Sunday to see Shining Bird’s festival-closing set.

BOO SEEKA

Songwriter and vocalist Ben Gumbleton is no stranger to The Gum Ball, having performed amongst the gums with roots rock group, Benjalu.

Now he returns with project Boo Seeka, alongside collaborator Sammy Seeka. The duo has experienced a remarkable rise to national and international popularity, having played festivals like Splendour in the Grass and Festival of the Sun. The pair’s incredible rise in 2016 saw them sell out shows in Europe and America, get a tune in Triple J’s Hottest 100 countdown and also perform at Colorado’s famed Red Rocks Amphitheatre.

Don’t miss out on these guys at the 12th annual Gum Ball festival.

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EXPAT SERVICES What You Need to Know About Backpacker Tax A working holiday is one of the best ways to travel Australia whilst making some money.

However, you do need to be in the know about Australia’s Backpacker Tax. The tax imposed on backpackers working and living in Australia has been an issue of debate for some time, with one side happy about the income it brings and another concerned about its negative impact on tourism. Who would want to go Australia for working holidays with a proposed 32.5% levy looming over their heads?

It’s common when you move to another country to Google around to see what advice you can unearth on expat blogs - of course some of the info will be useful, but you may have to sort the wheat from the chaff before finding out what you need do.

What you’ll find is that the blogs you’ll find are generally about communities, jobs, families, cultural changes and the like. You know, the important stuff that will either make or break your adventure Down Under. But none of them note the more subtle things that you’ll notice.

There’s an abundance of little things you should be aware of when moving to Australia and so we’ve assembled the top five here to help make the transition a smooth and relatively stress-free one. Okay they won’t shake up your world but it’s nice to know about them before you don your sunnies and slip on the thongs (that’s Aussie for flip flops btw).

1) Ditch the plastic! Australians aren’t as keen on bottled water as Brits. Water from the tap is clean and many Australian families keep a jug in their fridge. Okay so perhaps other countries are leading the world on environmental issues (for example, it seems bizarre solar power in Australia is only a recent development) but the decision to shirk the endless plastic bottle production is a great step in the right direction.

2) Going out for dinner? Tipping is nowhere near as important in Australia as it is in the UK. In many restaurants, cafés and bars across the UK, waiting staff will try to bump up their tip by making conversation, regularly checking in and perhaps even offering up the odd compliment. Australian patrons for the most part don’t want this and don’t expect it. They want to be served food and drink and left alone. Sometimes they will tip, sometimes they will not. It’s not mandatory in Oz.

3) The heat does not automatically mean people in Australia convert their homes and offices into fridges. Brits tend to complain when the mercury goes over 26 C - although we complain about weather generally, that’s our thing, but when we feel we can’t function in the humidity, we tend to whack the air conditioning right up. However don’t assume that’s what Australians do. They have a much more laidback and sensible approach to the heat given they’ve had to deal with it all their lives.

So expect nice cool environments rather than frosty receptions.

4) Creepy Crawlies are of course something that’s synonymous with Australia. Sure, they’re bigger in Australia but nine times out of ten they are no more dangerous than the insignificant itsy-bitsy ones you’re used to in the UK. Sure there are more poisonous spiders in Australia but the last time someone died from a spider bite in Australia was 1979. You’re more likely to die swerving out of the way to avoid a cute little quokka.

5) There’s no Marmite in its place you’ll find Vegemite - you might find it a little strange at first, but soon enough your toast will be laden with the stuff. Trust us, it’s unavoidable.

Another way of making your transition a smooth one is to talk to Seven Seas Worldwide about affordable and convenient relocation. Take a look at the website for the best options for a comfortable house move!

Visit sevenseasworldwide.com.au for more information.

If you’re moving within Australia, then call 1300 216 698 FREE and quote our BBM promotional code

BBMAUS15W06 for a 5% discount.

Find out more about moving your belongings from A - B with minimum stress

www.sevenseasworldwide.com.au

Australian Backpacker Tax Quick Facts • A t the very start of 2017, 15% tax was imposed on individuals earning up to $37,000 while on a working holiday.

• 3 2.5% standard tax rates apply for earnings from $37,001 to $80,000.

• A fixed tax rate of 65% has been imposed on working holidaymakers’ superannuation once a working holiday maker leaves Australia.

• R egardless of how long a backpacker stays in any one location, they will no longer

be classed as residents for tax purposes.

• W orking holiday makers on 417 or 462 visa must register with the Australian Taxation Office to be eligible for the lowered tax rate. Otherwise, they will be taxed at 32.5% from the first dollar earned.

• T wo payment summaries for the financial year are required for backpacker employed before and after 1 January 2017 – (1) for income earned up to 31 December 2016 and (2) for those earned at the start of 2017. Gross payments type H should be used with the latter.

What other benefits does this ruling give to backpackers?

Reduced charge on visa application

Starting 1 July 2017, the visa application charge will have an $50 decrease, cutting the rate to $390. Lower charges and lower tax rate, what more can a backpacker ask for? Not to mention, the kind of employment and travel opportunities that await holders of working holiday visas.

Find out more about tax at www.bbmlive.com/tax-advice

TAX WISE Tel : 08 9248 8124 Fax : 08 9463 6208 mairead@taxwiseaustralia.com.au PO Box 1874, Malaga 6944 www.taxwiseaustralia.com.au www.taxwise-australia.com

EXPRESS TAX Level 6, 155 Castlereagh St Sydney, NSW, 2000 1800 739 739 +61 (0) 2 9267 3200 www.expresstaxback.com.au

GREEN MIGRATION

Registered Migration Agent – 1464351 Little City Studio 118 Prospect Road, PROSPECT SA 5082 +61 8 417 837 973 zoe@greenmigration.com.au www.greenmigration.com.au

OPTIMA MIGRATION

Registered Migration Agent - 0532045 Subiaco Business Centre/ Suite 5, 531 Hay St Subiaco WA 6008 + 61 8 93808397 |M: 0409130865 lidia@optimamigration.com.au www.optimamigration.com.au

IMMIGRATION HELP CORPORATE OFFICE (AUSTRALIA)

181 Marion Road Richmond, Adelaide, SA 5033, Australia Phone: +61 8 8123 6039 | Fax: +61 8 7200 7536 Mobile No: + 61 0433303774 Email:contact@myimmigrationhelp.com www.myimmigrationhelp.com

TAXBACK.CO.UK Claim back your uk tax refund info@taxback.co.uk www.taxback.co.uk BACKPACKER TAX REFUNDS First Floor, 1A Morts Road Mortdale NSW 2223 +61 (0) 2 8065 5668 info@backpackertaxrefunds.com.au www.backpackertaxrefunds.com.au

MOVE MIGRATION PTY LTD

Registered Migration Agent MARN: 1382250 104/3 Eden Street North Sydney NSW 2060 Email: Eugene.Liu@movemigration.com.au Web: movemigration.com.au

CONTACT marketing@ what-media.com to advertise your services.

Shipping article by Michael Spicer at Seven Seas Worldwide

What You’ll Notice When You Move To Australia

The government, however, has made a compromise and lowered the tax rate from 32.5% to 15%.

This change came into effect for working holiday visas 417 and 462 holders from 1st January 2017.

www.bbmlive.com 19

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RECRUITMENT. EMPLOYMENT. STUDY. MIGRATION.

Phone Tag… You’re It!

There’s nothing worse than playing phone tag while you’re trying to get in contact with someone. It’s frustrating for all involved and it can lead nowhere, as you go around in a constant circle. What’s more annoying is that it can eventually result in the other person giving up and forgetting about it all. So, how can you avoid playing the dreaded game?

1. Leave some details

If you’re leaving a voice mail with all of the obvious information (your name, reason for your call, contact details etc.) that’s great. Take it a step further and let them know some times that you’ll be available to chat. Make sure to leave a few options, chances are they might not be available during one of them.

2. Send an SMS

Another option to break the cycle is to send the person a quick SMS. Keep it professional, don’t use any abbreviations and perhaps ask them what time would suit them for a chat.

3. Change your voicemail

Changing your voicemail regularly will advise people in your phone tag cycle, that you are actually still in the office and you will be able to return their call.

4. Pick your timing

If you’re making the first phone call, make sure you choose your time wisely. Calling at the start or end of the working day can be beneficial, to avoid the major working hours of the day. Lunch time can also be a difficult time to reach someone, although a lot of people do have their lunch at their desk. If you’ve been stuck in the cycle for a while now, make sure you try different times of the day.

5. Emphasise the urgency

If your call is regarding an urgent matter, make sure you let them know! There’s nothing wrong with saying that you need to discuss something ASAP. On the other hand, don’t say that just to get a call back sooner, only to end up asking what time suits best for lunch next week.

Quit playing phone tag and catch that call with the above tips!

Article Tammy Harvey, people manager at people2people Find out more about temporary and permanent jobs at people2people.com.au

CARPENTERS. ELECTRICIANS. CHEFS RECRUITERS. NURSES. SPONSORED JOBS Our clients are seeking professionals from overseas to fill a range of jobs across Australia. If you’re serious about staying in Australia and are seeking permanent employment or looking at skilled visas options, we want to hear from you.

If you’re coming to the end of your first or second year working holiday visa, or if you’re already in employment and are looking for a new sponsor please get in touch with our team asap. Our clients are looking for top talent and willing to sponsor for the right candidates.

Call 02 8005 8162 or email your CV to jobs@bbmlive.com

www.bbmlive.com 21

WWW.BBMLIVE.COM/JOBS

How To Use LinkedIn To Your Advantage So what is LinkedIn?

help/linkedin/answer/87/customizingyour-public-profile-url?lang=en - so it

LinkedIn launched in 2003 and is currently the third most popular (behind Facebook and Twitter) social network in terms of unique monthly visitors. It is an online social network designed for business professionals. The goal of the site is to allow registered members to establish and document networks of people they know and trust professionally.

looks like this: http://www.linkedin.com/in/ your_name

As a job seeker LinkedIn is a powerful tool and an overhaul of your profile is a very worthwhile exercise. I have listed some tips below to make your profile stand out from the crowd. With more than 380 million members in 200+ countries, LinkedIn should not be overlooked as a professional network.

7. Use appropriate keywords in your headline, summary and profile – relevant to

1. Put in the time to complete your profile - the more complete your profile is,

5. Share relevant, professional and interesting content highlighting your industry.

6. Avoid making negative comments about former work places or colleagues.

your industry.

8. Don’t avoid making connections – a lonely profile with no connections doesn’t help you broaden your reach on LinkedIn.

9. Join groups that relate to your area of expertise and share knowledge relevant

paragraphs long and highlight your key skills and unique qualifications. Make it interesting and engage your audience in a story about yourself, this is what people remember.

to your industry. Did you know that if you’re a member of the same group as another user, you can bypass the need to be a firstdegree connection in order to message them? As long as you’ve been a member of LinkedIn for at least 30 days and a member of the particular group for at least 4 days, LinkedIn allows you to send up to 15 free 1:1 messages to fellow group members per month (across all groups you belong to).

Don’t spam and promote yourself over and over again, take the time to add value to the group and that value will come back to you.

3. Treat your Profile like it is your Resume and then some – make it clear

10. Add projects, volunteer work or languages you speak to your profile.

4. Customise your public profile URL – make your personal profile more

11. Get some recommendations – you can’t write your own or edit ones that have been written about you but you can decide which ones to publish on your profile. They are like mini snapshots of professional endorsement that can enhance your profile.

It might feel awkward to ask someone to write something about you. Asking people who know you well enough to recommend you is a good place to start and will make the request valid and then also valuable.

A good time to ask someone is when you have been given a compliment or have done something outstanding.

the more likely you are to be found by an employer or recruiter. Once complete keep it up to date – it will make sure people can find you and help you find more relevant potential contacts.

2. Don’t waste the summary space – your summary should be about 3

and concise and list your responsibilities and achievements but also add some nonresume language and tell a story about yourself and your experience. You can use LinkedIn to showcase everything that doesn’t fit into your resume.

professional (and easier to share) by customizing your LinkedIn profile URL. The URL that LinkedIn automatically creates has lots of numbers at the end and is confusing.

For instructions on customizing your URL click here: https://www.linkedin.com/

SPONSORED JOBS AUSTRALIA One of the best ways to enter Australia for work purposes and have a shot at emigrating permanently is to land a sponsored job.

There are plenty of sponsored jobs available should your skills match up but you’ll need to find an employment sponsor. And it doesn’t have to be that hard either.

The 457 sponsorship visa is one of the visas available for skilled migration to Australia.

It allows a skilled worker to travel to and work in Australia, provided that their work experience is one of the nominated occupations on the Skilled Occupations List.

If it is, and you get an employment sponsor, then you are one step closer to an Australia skilled migration.

TSS MIGRATION / TSS RECRUITMENT LEVEL 3, 7 HOWARD ST, RICHMOND, VICTORIA / +6103 9421 1020 WWW.TSSMIGRATION.COM.AU / WWW.TSSRECRUITMENT.COM.AU

How to apply for sponsored jobs Australia

Check out all available sponsored jobs on the market, including those listed on the hidden job market. LinkedIn has proven time and again that it is a useful tool in finding jobs that aren’t always advertised online or on regular job boards. This is because you can directly contact employers that may be willing to offer you a job via sponsorship.

Of course, you need to have a resume and cover letter that attract employers in Australia. It is important to note that Australian employers prefer to have a bit of information about why you’re the best person for the job, so a one-page resume may not suffice.

Apart from having your resume professionally written, it must have the essential elements that can get you through the door and get you a possible interview.

Points to include could be the following: • Career summary • Key skills • Key qualifications • Key training • Key affiliations

12. Get endorsed for your skills and manage your endorsements. You can customize the order they appear on your profile or if they appear at all. Add, remove and rearrange sections as needed.

13. Connect with people you know and those you would like to know. When you do send a request to add someone to your network make sure you personalize it. You have the option to include a personal note – include it! Let the connection know why you made contact with them. The standard default line: “ I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.” is very

impersonal.

14. Turn off the “Notify your network” section so that your whole network does

not get an update every time you make a small change to your profile. If this is set to “on” your network will be notified each time you add or delete something from your profile.

Find out more about hospitality and sponsored jobs in Australia via

www.tssrecruitment.com.au Article by Maryke Wylde at TSS Recruitment

What kind of jobs you can get that qualify for 457 visas There are over 200 jobs listed on the Skilled Occupations List and more have been added. These include; Architect, Construction Project Manager, Environmental Health Officer, Dental Hygienist, Nursing Clinical Director, Valuer, Agricultural Engineer, and Early Childhood (Pre-Primary School) Teacher to name a mere handful.

Check out the Skilled Occupations List (SOL) on the Department of Immigration and Border Protection website to see if your occupation is needed in Australia.

What the 457 visa sponsorships visa entails

As previously mentioned, this visa allows a skilled worker to work in Australia, provided that they can find an employer that will become an approved sponsor or to nominate them for a specific position at their company. Anyone with a job and skills that are highly in-demand, speaks conversational English and has passed IELTS, and has the financial means to support themselves for a period of time may apply for a 457 visa.

Once approved, you can stay in Australia for up to four years, except when your sponsor is a start-up business or has been in business for less than a year, in which case your visa is granted only for 18 months.

In addition to working in Australia, the visa will also allow you to bring your family to the country for work and study, and for you to travel in and out as frequently as you want. Just remember to comply with the conditions attached to the visa, and your stint in Australia should be smooth sailing.

Want to know more about applying for a 457 Visa Sponsorship. Speak to one of our Registered Migration Agents. Get in touch with us at: enquiries@my-oe.com or visit

www.overseas-emigration.co.uk

22

What’s It Like Nursing In Sydney?

Sydney is one of the most famous cities on the entire planet, so it’s not surprising that so many people want to live and work there.

When it comes to beauty – Sydney has it by the bucket load. From the sandy shores of Bondi Beach, to the lush tropical plants of the Botanical Gardens, Sydney is a nature lover’s ideal when it comes to choosing a city to live in.

But the mark doesn’t stop at natural beauty. Sydney is also home to two of the most famous architectural landmarks in the world, namely, the Sydney Opera House and the Sydney Harbour Bridge that dominate the Sydney horizon. An urban metropolis pulses through the skyscrapers of Sydney with a cool and unique lifeblood that keeps Sydney interesting and active at all times.

If you’re a registered nurse or healthcare worker looking to strike the perfect balance between healthy urban living alongside work then Sydney is a great port of call. As you may have heard there is a shortage of healthcare workers in Australia meaning you could land yourself in stunning Sydney doing the job you care most about.

Upon arriving in Sydney you’ll probably be stunned by the healthy habits of its

NURSING AGENCIES AUSTRALIA

residents. The Southern Hemisphere’s answer to LA, from 5am each morning you’ll see the many parks filled with joggers and yogis, as well as people doing tai chi and if you’re anywhere near the beach – you’ll see plenty of surfers and swimmers starting their day off in a healthy way.

Are you looking for a nursing job in Australia? Due to the high demand for qualified nurses across the country, there is no shortage of vacancies but where exactly is the best place to find them?

The healthy living is also echoed in the many cafes and restaurants serving up all versions of avocado and eggs for breakfast alongside smoothies and some world-class coffee.

If you are looking for a permanent position then it may be worth looking for direct vacancies or contacting specific recruitment companies, however many overseas nurses who are looking to relocate down under – particularly those who are interested in a working holiday – will make nursing agencies their first port of call.

Taking advantage of the fantastic weather most of the year-round, nursing in Sydney can mean you can spend your days off lazing on the beach, or exploring the city. What’s more, if you take work as an agency nurse, you can maximise your time exploring Sydney and New South Wales whilst funding your travels through nursing.

Nursing in Sydney and Regional NSW presents the perfect opportunity to explore areas such as the stunning Northern Beaches as well as the Blue Mountains, and by taking agency nurse jobs in Sydney you’ll be able to work and play when it suits you most.

Nursing agencies in Australia are ideal if you are looking for casual or flexible work, allowing you to get that perfect-work life balance which allows you to spend more time with your family, or allowing you to travel and experience everything that Australia has to offer.

opportunity to work in a variety of centres and facilities in different locations (dependent on skills and experience) so every assignment has the potential to be different. Having this variety in your work can be really rewarding for your career and may even open up further opportunities in more specialist areas, having worked and shadowed a wide variety of healthcare staff with specialist skills and knowledge.

Finding a job through a nursing agency should be fairly simple, with a huge number of working opportunities across Australia, however nursing in Melbourne is a great place to start.

Melbourne has a lot to offer overseas nurses on working holidays with plenty of nursing jobs available including; • ICU Nurses • Midwives

What are the benefits of a nursing agency?

Signing up to a nursing agency in Australia not only makes it easier to find work, but it’s ideal if you are looking for an element of flexibility.

Agency nurses can often pick up shifts as and when you want them so you can work as much or as little as you like.

• Emergency Department Nurses

Nursing agencies will also give you the

recruitment@austrlaiannursingagency.com

• Mental Health Nurses • General Medical & Surgical Nurses Get more information on finding nursing jobs in Australia be emailing us today at

It doesn’t all have to be about exploring the surrounds however, as there’s so much to do and see in Sydney that you’ll be wanting to take advantage of its great nightlife. With world class artists regularly touring, a-list festivals and city wide events such as Vivid Sydney and the Sydney Festival, you can guarantee there’s something to do every single night of the week.

So what are you waiting for? Dive right in and see what nursing and healthcare jobs in Sydney we’re currently recruiting for or simply sign up to be the first to hear about new nursing job vacancies in Sydney and NSW.

www.bowerhealthcare.com.au info@bowerhealthcare.com.au Nursing Under-Grads (Assistants in Nursing) Bower Healthcare is selectively seeking experienced nursing students (year 2 +) for work as Assistants in Nursing in acute general and specialty areas in hospitals around Sydney’ north. As a preferred supplier to NSW Health Local Health Districts, we are recruiting in preparation for an expected upturn in requests.

Essential Requirements: Must have a current work visa, or work rights in Australia, 100% compliance with the NSW Health Department’s immunisation policy, Must be nursing undergraduates, 2nd year onwards (no Cert III applicants will be considered), NSW Working with Children Check (paid employee version) and National Police Check.

Need to live within easy travelling distance of the hospitals (to fulfil last minute booking requests).

Got a question?

Registered Nurse Dementia Specific Care Home (North Sydney) Set in its own grounds in a leafy northern Sydney suburb, this brand new unit opens next month and Bower Healthcare has been provided the opportunity to assist with staffing shortfalls. The 57 bed residence provides care for residents with low to high range dementia, living in shared units serviced by a regular team of support staff.

The Registered Nurse oversees the support and care provided to residents, assisting with clinical needs where needed but mainly coaching and encouraging the staff to utilise their skills to the best of their abilities.

The Unit manager is on site during office hours between Monday to Friday.

Shifts range across mornings, PM’s and night duties. Because of the specialist nature of the work and the autonomy afforded to the RN in charge, only those that have regular availability and can attend an on-site induction can be considered.

Hospital Orderlies Salary: $24 to $40 Hourly Rate We are seeking a number of experienced staff to work as orderlies in various general (surgical, medical, aged care) and specialty (mental health, OT, ED, ICU, etc) areas in public hospitals in Sydney’s east and southwest. We can offer an immediate start with shifts booked 2-3 weeks in advance, as well as on an ad hoc basis.

Essential Requirements: Regular, on-going work for reliable performers Many shifts available, including weekends Advanced roster, in addition to day-to-day bookings Essential requirements: Must have current work rights in Australia Preference given to those with full-time equivalent availability 100% compliance with the NSW Health Department’s immunisation policy Must posses more than 6 months relevant experience from here or overseas (as an orderly, AIN or PCA) Recent, professional local references Current criminal record and working with children checks Please note that if you do not satisfy all of the above requirements but still apply, you will not receive a return response.

Do you qualify for our Australian Working Holiday Visa Package?

To qualify for a Bower Healthcare working holiday package you must either be eligible for an Australian Working Holiday Visa and meet the following employment requirements: • You must qualify for an Australian Working Holiday Visa or other relevant work visa for Australia.

• You must either be a registered nurse and possess a minimum 12 months postgraduate clinical experience • Or be an experienced healthcare worker, eligible for work as an Assistant in Nursing or Community Support Worker Registered Nurses must possess provisional approval for registration with AHPRA • Click here for full details on our candidate requirements and working for us Our Working Holiday Packages combine everything you need to get started in Australia including accommodation and your all-important Tax File Number as well as some great tours to get you in the mood for your working holiday in Australia.

www.bowerhealthcare.com.au

www.bbmlive.com 23

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The Outback Is Calling Planning a trip to the Outback?

Seasoned traveller, Gemma Glover gives us her rundown of how to prepare for your trip.

climate, but don’t be fooled when you’re in the middle of the outback, things can be a little different!

The “outback”, features in every state, and is the colloquial term for the vast, unpopulated and mainly arid areas of Australia’s interior and remote coasts. It’s every adventurer’s haven with spectacular gorges, rugged mountain ranges, sprawling cattle stations, deep-rooted indigenous culture, isolated communities and the world’s longest stretch of straight railway track!

From May through to September temperatures in the Outback frequently get below zero, so make sure you’re prepared with some thermals, waterproofs, decent hiking boots, thick socks and of course some practical jeans.

If you’re planning your Australian Outback Adventure and have either carefully picked out your route, or have booked on an outback adventure tour, then you’re halfway there. However, you don’t want to literally be in the middle of nowhere without your essentials.

It’s far too easy to over pack when taking any excursion. Having “been there and done that” we know all too well! You must also consider the season in which you are heading on your trip. Yes, Australia is known for its sunny

When it comes to practicality it’s also advisable to make sure you’ve got a water bottle or two, head torch, pocket pen knife, camera, phone and portable charger!

You also want to consider how long you’re going into the outback for, and what amenities you may be without, so pack accordingly with a couple of spare t-shirts and undies, but remember, this is certainly not a fashion parade.

Don’t spend too much time worrying about how you look otherwise you’ll miss the epicness of the outback in all its vast glory.

Explore the NT Outback with Mulgas Adventures www.mulgasadventures.com.au

Barunga Festival The Barunga Festival, one of Australia’s most important cultural events has announced its 2017 program will be held from 9th - 11th June 2017.

With thirty-three years as Indigenous Australia’s premier destination for music, sport and culture, Barunga holds a special place in the nation’s history as the birthplace of Bob Hawke’s Barunga Statement which called for a Treaty with Indigenous people which was the inspiration for Yothu Yindi’s iconic anthem.

The event attracts over 4000 people to the Northern Territory, showcasing the Katherine region in all its aesthetic and cultural beauty. With an audience of over 65% Indigenous attendees, the event has become an important and immersive experience for both Australians and travellers seeking a unique and authentic experience of Indigenous Australia.

This year’s event sees an amazing lineup of musical talent including Missy Higgins, Bunna Laurie, Skinnyfish Sound System as well as a special appearance by Justine Clarke who will perform with students from the Barunga School and Coloured Stone who will be celebrating their 40-year anniversary.

Jawoyn Junior Guides (Barunga School students) design and lead tours of their community and the surrounding bush, providing an authentic Barunga arrival as well as a unique learning experience for the students. traditional dance, spear throwing, didgeridoo (‘yidaki’) playing, weaving, damper making, storytelling both between generations and cultures. Audiences can engage in pass on

knowledge and experience, with the festival offering a unique platform to Culture is also an important pillar of the Barunga experience the opportunity to showcase their talent to a large crowd.

The event has a healthy food policy, with a range of cuisines on offer as well as a 100% drug, smoke and alcohol free policy to ensure the family spirit of the Barunga community is maintained. A road safety short film competition will also be held in communities throughout the leadup to Barunga with shortlisted films screened under a blanket of stars on the main stage big screen.

Barunga isn’t staged for cameras or created for tourists. Barunga is a real community welcoming you to their home to celebrate all that is great about being Australian through their eyes.

Whether you fly, drive or walk, make sure Barunga is on your calendar this June and change the way you see Australia.

Tickets available from www.moshtix.com.au Staying in Darwin beforehand? Book your stay at www.momdarwin.com

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Explore Kakadu & Litchfield Over 3 Days Looking to explore the Top End? This jam-packed 3 day tour offers you experiences like never before. Meet tropical waterfalls as you begin your adventure.

Learn aboriginal traditions from the Limilngan Wulna tribe, cruise the Mary River Wetlands and spot the crocodiles and venture to Ubirr to enjoy the rock art on display. This exciting trip can only get better by experiencing it through 4WD safari. Kakadu is the very best place to seek rich landscape, interesting culture, and unique history.

Absorb the stunning nature by staying in a safari tent.

Sleep under the clear sky with your meals all sorted: two breakfasts, three lunches and two dinners are all included in the price of the tour. On day 1, as you say goodbye to Darwin, you will travel deep into Wulna County, only to be received with a warm welcome or ‘Cul Cul’ by the Limilngan-Wulna people. After sharing their amazing Aboriginal culture with bush tucker talks, have a go at the didgeridoo and some tricky basket weaving.

Next, be ready to snap your camera as you visit the Mary River Wetlands system on a billabong cruise, viewing the highest concentration of saltwater crocodiles south of the equator. The afternoon leads to Kakadu National Park, World Heritage site. After a

challenging hike in Maguk, have a refreshing dip in the plunge pools of Barramundi Gorge.

Day 2 is where the 4WD action really picks up. Jim Jim Falls is the next highlight, as you enjoy the stunning views of the 200m natural wonder.

With a chance of free time, explore, swim or rest on the white sandy beach. Post-lunchtime, discover the wonders of Aboriginal rock art at Ubirr with a helpful guide who explains the history and culture behind these incredible paintings. For sunset, you will head to the peak of a rocky lookout, and fall in love with the view over Nardab Floodplain.

The last day begins in Litchfeild National Park.

Scattered with waterholes and waterfalls, it’s the perfect location to absorb all the tropical nature, particularly Florence Falls, Wangi Falls and Buley Rockholes. Feast on a delicious picnic lunch, wander through the overgrown rainforests and cool off in one of the swimming holes. Sadly all good things have to end. However as you head back to Darwin, there is the option for one last night out with your new tour friends. Say farewell to this incredible trip in style.

For more info and to book, visit: www.kakaduwild.com.au

Why The Top End Is A Must On Your Oz Itinerary With Australia boasting so many incredible places to visit it can be tough to pin down where exactly to start, but if you’re visiting over the next few months then the Northern Territory is beckoning you to explore its famous Top End. From tumbling waterfalls, to soaring cliffs and plunging gorges the Northern Territory is Australia’s adventure capital, so here’s just a handful of places to tick off your Top End bucket list.

Litchfield National Park Sitting, practically on Darwin’s doorstep (just 130 km away) Litchfield National Park is the first taste of the Northern Territory’s wilderness. Covering 1,500 km2 the park features monsoon forests and cascading waterfalls. The cool waterholes bustle with fish and turtles and you may even spot the odd water monitor lizard basking on the rocks. Notable when you arrive at Litchfield are the soaring termite mounds that will instantly dwarf you, offering a great photo opp.

Kakadu National Park Covering an area approximately the same size as Slovenia, Kakadu National Park is one of the most famous National Parks in the whole country. Kakadu is where you’ll find some of Australia’s famous wildlife including kangaroos, brolgas and some pretty

ferocious crocs! Whether you’re cruising the wetlands, or viewing some ancient Aboriginal rock art at Ubirr, you’ll want to make sure you have plenty of time to get your fill of its incredible terrain. Waterfalls are in abundance in the Northern Territory’s lush bushland.

Making for the perfect place to cool off for a relaxing swim whilst hiking through the humid forests. The Twin and Jim Jim Falls are a must see whilst visiting Kakadu.

Katherine Gorge

Made up of 13 gorges, Katherine Gorge is a spectacular collection of river, rapids, waterfalls and towering sandstone cliffs. Local legend has it that the Rainbow Serpent, Bolung, dwells in the depths of the green waters of the Gorge - making it a very spiritual place. The river runs from Arnhem Land to the Timor Sea and is where you can try your hand at kayaking, swimming or looking out for freshwater crocodiles and turtles.

Tours Going To The Top End >>> Kakadu, Litchfield Adventure - 3 days - $845 Kakadu, Katherine & Litchfield Adventure 4 days - $1,265 Kakadu Top End Adventure - 5 days - $1,195 Outback To The Top End - 9 days - $2,500 Find out more about these tours at www.adventuretours.com.au

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Explore The Kimberley

A place known for its wilderness, rugged mountains and gorges, the Kimberley Region of Western Australia has so much to explore.

If you’re planning on exploring this diverse and unruly corner of Australia, then you’ll want to consider how much time you have available. After all, Western Australia is Australia’s largest state and the distances can take days to cover. Perth is a popular place to start your Western Australia travels from, being the main access point to WA. Here, you’ll also be able to stock up and make sure you’ve got the right essentials before heading out of the world’s most isolated city and step into adventure.

Here, we take a look at two itineraries that are a great way to see the highlights of Western Australia, and can also help you along an exciting path across state lines to the Northern Territory.

Perth To Broome

Travel from Perth to cultural Broome, with either a 9-day tour from $1545pp or a 14-day return tour from just $1845pp. The 9 day tour and the 14 day tour both entail wildlife interaction, hiking, cool hostels, captivating scenery, so if you’re looking to truly explore Western Australia, then keep on reading. On this journey along the West Coast, you will discover the ancient desert rock formations of the Pinnacles Desert, meet the world famous Monkey Mia dolphins, snorkel the Ningaloo Reef, and peer through Nature’s

Window in Kalbarri National Park.

Next up you’ll visit the idyllic Cable Beach in Broome where you’ll be able to stroll the length of the beach on the back of a camel. But it doesn’t end there, you will even be able to witness the Stromatolites in Shark Bay and stay at the River Ranch Farmstay. If you would prefer a return journey from Perth to Broome, then set out on the 14-day-tour, which involves everything from the 9 day tour but will whizz you straight back to Perth after the trip of a lifetime.

Perth To Darwin Safari

Looking to travel even further?

Then indulge your inner adventurer with over 19 days of hiking, wildlife spotting, Aboriginal culture and even more on a Perth to Darwin Safari tour from just $3390pp. Here you can discover the wild and remote Kimberley Wilderness, and see both amazing coastlines and wildlife. Explore the depths of Karijini National Park, wind down on Cable Beach in Broome, and venture along the Gibb River Road, also known

as one of the country’s most challenging journeys to explore the wilderness of the Kimberley Region. This trip is truly unique as you get to see captivating gorges, waterholes, working cattle stations, the Bungle Bungles and end at tropical Darwin.

Accommodation, transport, meals, attractions are included – you couldn’t ask for any more!

Book your Western Australia journey now at www.aussiewanderer.com.au

Escape To The Kimberley Gorges Off the beaten track you can delve into the heart of western Kimberley and discover dramatic wildlife retreats, gorges, ancient creeks and more.

If you’ve already made your way north on a Perth to Broome tour, then you’ll be in prime position to explore the Kimberley. Setting off from Broome, you’ll pass through Boab trees, giant, towering termite mounds and passed roaming cattle.

Reaching the mighty Fitzroy River, you’re in prime position to explore Geikie Gorge - a 30 meter deep gorge carved between the Geikie and Oscar Ranges. The gorge floods in the wet season, but retreats in the dry leaving its tide mark on the colourful gorge walls. For those staying overnight, an evening camping under the Kimberley night sky may well render you speechless from the stunningly clear views of the Southern Hemisphere sky.

Onward from Geikie, you can take a bumpy 4WD route to Tunnel Creek - an impressive 750 meter cave system carved through the Napier Range. Interestingly, the Napier Range is a Devonian reef system which is over 350 million years old. Whilst visiting this area of the Kimberley you can take a dip in the freshwater swimming hole before continuing on to Windjana Gorge, where you may spot a few “freshies” (an Aussie term used to make freshwater crocodiles sound sweet and innocent).

If you’re looping back around to Broome on your travels, then you’ll also have the chance to see the infamous Boab Prison Tree.

Believed to be 1500 years old, and measuring a massive 15 meters in girth, the tree was savagely used as a prison for local Aboriginals during the era of the Kimberley pioneers.

Explore the Kimberley Gorges with Kimberley Wild’s 2 Day Kimberley Gorges Tour from Broome from $525. kimberleywild.com.au

Image courtesy of Tourism Western Australia

The Kimberley is a rugged corner of North Western Australia that is the perfect destination for those with a sense of adventure.

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24 Hours In Broome

Western Australia’s most northerly town, Broome is a stunning destination and layover before either heading south to Perth or across to Darwin.

The northern town is famous for its endless skies and of course the sunset. Here’s a look at how to spend 24 hours in Broome when you’re between tours.

Arrived the night before? Start your day bright and early at the Kool Spot Cafe on Carnarvon Street. Here, you can enjoy your all-important morning coffee as well as exotic breakfasts such as the heuvos rancheros (fried eggs on tortilla with salsa)

or fruity toasted mango and coconut bread.

Once you’ve fuelled up it’s time to explore the town. If you happen to be in Broome on a Saturday or Sunday then you may be able to take in the local charm of the Broome Courthouse Markets.

Alternatively you could learn about the pearl farming industry that Broome was built on with a Pearl Luggers Tour just just $20 from 11.30am.

For lunch we suggest heading to the Green Mango Cafe for their pulled pork burger. It’s reasonably priced here meaning you don’t have to burst your entire day’s budget for a decent meal.

When having a day’s downtime anywhere it’s important not to go too overboard on the activities, after all you’ll soon be hitting the road again in search of new adventures. So during the afternoon why not head to see the 3.5 metre high, crystal buddha opposite the Cable Beach Club Resort. The Buddha Sanctuary is the perfect location for those looking to unwind and if you happen to be visiting on a Tuesday or Friday you can take advantage of the yoga classes at 5pm.

As we edge towards sunset, you’re ever closer to seeing what you came for - the epic Broome sunset. Of course the most post card way to see the sunset is with a camel ride along Cable Beach, so make sure you leave enough time to make it happen

as this truly is one of the most spectacular beaches.

Come nightfall you could either head to Oasis Bar which is an outdoor nightclub at the Roebuck Bay Hotel - known as “the Roey” to locals, or if you’re really up for a relaxing one, then catch a flick at Sun Pictures - Broome’s Outdoor Cinema. They show films from 6.30pm and 8.30 pm so it’s the perfect way to spend an evening recharging your batteries before setting off bright and early the next day.

Get to Broome from Perth via Integrity Coachlines Hop-on Hop-off pass. Get 10% off when you quote BBMLIVE5. www.integritycoachlines.com.au

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Walk On The Wild Side Remote coastlines, vast national parks, seasonal waterfalls, and fresh, fresh air beckon active types to the jewel of South Australia, Kangaroo Island.

then there are shorter loops with equally spectacular views to encounter.

The benefits of exploring on foot are that you’re able to take your time with photo opportunities or simply taking in a view to remember - and of course - walking’s pretty quiet and slow paced, so you’re also more likely to see a bit more wildlife.

Kangaroo Island makes for the perfect destination for those who enjoy exploring on foot with its many, many hiking trails winding along quiet and rugged coastlines, through dense bush and beside sandy shores. With its varying terrain, Kangaroo Island has trails to suit every walking ability, and if you’re after an active break then you’ll certainly find it on the Island.

If you do decide to walk on the wild side, then it’s important to make sure you’re prepared, and that means sunscreen, a hat, waterproofs and plenty of water - that way you’re prepared for both the blazing Aussie sun as well as being on an island in the Great Southern Ocean - the weather can be changeable!

Most trails (32 of them) are in conservation parks where habitat is set aside for nature and the trails allow you to share space with wildlife. Imagine an echidna train passing by, a whale sheltering with its calf below a cliff, a sea-eagle catching a fish. Imagine not seeing another person for the whole day, the reward of an azure sea view, and a picnic on an empty beach. Sound idyllic to you?

These are just a handful of experiences to be had whilst walking on Kangaroo Island.

When we say walking trails, we don’t just mean a casual couple of kilometres, no, on Kangaroo Island you can literally walk for days, exploring the vast island on foot. In fact, the KI Wilderness Trail from Flinders Chase Visitor Centre to Kelly Hill Visitor Centre is a 5-day, 61km trail which connects existing paths with 40km of new trail through the botanically unique area in all of South Australia before reaching the rugged, remote and spectacular coastline of the Southern Ocean. It’s best in milder months between April and September so if you’re planning a trip soon, bare this trail in mind. However, if you do just simply want to spend a morning or afternoon hiking

Whilst walking on Kangaroo Island you can also take advantage of the varied accommodation from luxury lodges, to hotels, motels, farm stays, bed and breakfasts, beach houses and camping - there’s something to suit all tastes and budgets. Camping grounds are located across the island, and caravan parks are situated at Penneshaw, Kingscote, Parndana and before the entrance to Flinders Chase National Park. Heritage accommodation is available at all three KI lighthouses and at Rocky River.

If you’re here for even more activities, then you can get your adrenaline pumping with some sandboarding at KI’s Little Sahara, or take to the calm waters and explore by kayak. A stay at Vivonne Bay Lodge on KI is also a great excuse to grab a bicycle and explore the surrounds.

Whichever way you wish to explore Kangaroo Island - Kangaroo Island Adventure Tours are a great port of call where you can find out more about selfdrive and guided tours to all the must see sights of this spectacular island.

www.kiadventuretours.com.au

MEET THE KOALAS OF MIKKIRA STATION Mikkira Station used to be famous for its sheep, but there are some much cuter inhabitants these days. Situated 20km south of Port Lincoln, this excellent day (or night) trip will bring you as close as possible to Australia’s most famous cuddly animal – the koala.

The key to the area’s abundant koala population is partly down to the numerous Manna Gum trees that grow here, providing great habitat and plentiful food for the little guys. For just $25 a night you can camp next to trees full to the brim with wild koalas, a rare treat these days when most visitors to Australia only get to see them through the bars of a zoo or sanctuary.

At Mikkira Station you’ll get to see koalas in their natural habitat and observe natural behaviour and aww over the joeys hanging onto their mothers. They move from tree to tree quite often and seeing them toddle along the ground is a gorgeous sight.

The longer you stay the more likely you are to learn more about how koala families interact with one another and get a deeper understanding of how they behave, much more than the standard photo op with a koala on your shoulder on offer in many other places in Oz. How many people can say they’ve heard a koala roar? Not many,

but there’s a good chance here if you decide to spend a few days on the Mikkira Station.

Even if you tire of looking at the koalas (is koala fatigue even a thing?) you can always head out on a bird watching walk, spot wild orchids and picnic in the shadow of a giant yucca trees. The site is open to the public every day except when the mercury hits over 30c, so spring and autumn are the ideal times for a visit.

Visit the Mikkira Station koalas on Nullarbor Traveller Southern Ocean Wildlife Adventure departing from Adelaide.

TRAVEL DEALS:

Book a Southern Ocean Wildlife Adventure Tour now for 2017/2018 and receive 10% off with promo code BBMLIVE Book a Secrets of Esperance Tour now for 2017/2018 and receive 10% off with promo code BBMLIVE6 Book an Adelaide to Perth 10 Day Camping Adventure Tour now for 2017/2018 and receive 15% off! Use promo code BBMLIVE10 Book now at www.nullarbortraveller.net

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FRASER ISLAND This month, we quiz Leigh Williams, a stylist from London about her trip up the east coast of Australia to the stunning, Fraser Island. A perfect whistle stop itinerary for anyone on a time budget!

How did you plan your route before arriving?

I didn’t. I booked a flight to Sydney then decided what to do once I arrived.

What East Coast Route did you choose?

I visited Sydney, Byron Bay, Noosa and Fraser Island. Catching flights and Greyhound buses in between.

What was so appealing about the East Coast to you?

The beaches, weather, people, yoga community and general laid back vibe.

How did you come across Dropbear Adventures?

with stunning views like I’ve never seen before. I loved it straight away.

What was it like camping on Fraser?

I stayed in a hostel on Fraser Island - The Beach House Hostel - it was great! I would highly recommend it.

Where was a real highlight on the tour?

Lake Mackenzie was a true highlight.

Our tour guide took us there early in the morning before the crowds. We had the entire lake there to ourselves. The entire tour group got up early one morning too to watch the sunrise on the beach. That was pretty special. We saw a Dingo that morning too.

What wildlife did you encounter?

Dingos and fish in the lakes.

How long did you go for?

One night, two days.

I was recommended Dropbear Adventures by Travel Agency, Ratpack Travel, who helped me out loads in finding the perfect tour company to visit the Island with.

What was the biggest adrenaline rush whilst on Fraser?

Where did you leave from to get to Fraser Island?

What should you pack when touring Fraser Island?

I stayed at Noosa Flackpackers hostel in Noosa and Dropbear Adventures picked me up from my hostel. We drove to the ferry then over to Fraser Island by ferry.

Swimsuit, towel, sunscreen, toothbrush, shorts / top and a rain mac (although we had perfect weather). You don’t need anything else.

What were your thoughts when you first arrived on the island?

Find out more about visiting Fraser Island at www.dropbearadventures.com.au

The beach goes on forever! It’s very rural

Driving the 4x4 vehicles.

Explore The Rainforest Canopy Planning a trip to TNQ? You can immerse yourself in the lush tropical rainforests near Cairns.

A great way to explore the rainforests is via the Skyrail Rainforest Cableway. This mustdo attraction provides a unique experience as you glide in a gondola just metres above the canopy for spectacular views over the pristine rainforest, as far as the Coral Sea and Cairns Highlands.

Descend through the canopy to Red Peak station where a Skyrail Ranger meets you for a guided boardwalk tour of the ancient tropical rainforest. Here the rangers share their knowledge of the giant buttress roots, towering Kauri Pines, climbing wait-awhile palms and other flora and fauna that surround you in this fascinating ecosystem.

After your tour, make sure you take the time to absorb the beauty and atmosphere of the oldest continually surviving tropical rainforest on earth before re-boarding Skyrail Rainforest

Cableway to Barron Falls Station.

As the name suggests, the majestic Barron Falls and Gorge take centre stage from three separate lookouts at Barron Falls station. This station is also home to the Skyrail/CSIRO (Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation) Rainforest Interpretation Centre where you can learn more about rainforest biodiversity via the interactive multi media.

Skyrail Rainforest Cableway is located only 15 minutes from Cairns city centre and 50 minutes from Port Douglas. It is open every day except Christmas Day and during scheduled maintenance. Skyrail Rainforest Cableway is a multi award winner for its excellence in sustainable tourism, and is accessible for all ages and abilities, making it the best and most beautiful rainforest experience in the world.

For tour packages and prices, visit skyrail.com.au

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GIRL ABOUT THE GLOBE’S SOLO GUIDE TO TRAVEL

This month we interview travel blogger, Lisa Imogen Eldridge, author of travel blog, Girl About Globe to find out a bit more about how she travels, and the exciting destinations her work has taken her to...

Having travelled extensively, where stands out to you as one of your most memorable trips?

My best memory of travelling solo was learning the art of slow travel in Montenegro. I had been on a week sailing trip in Croatia and had shared a yacht with seven other people and although I had had an amazing time, I was ready to be by myself. I took the bus to Montenegro and that’s when I stumbled upon the Bay of Kotor, a magical place with a beautiful bay.

I had only booked one night but I loved it so much that I ended up staying for a week and didn’t even speak to anyone (except the old waiter) for the whole time. It was bliss! That’s the beauty of travelling solo, you can do exactly what you want and change your plans at the last minute without having to ask anyone.

During your time in Asia, where’s been a highlight for you?

I have so many. Cambodia is one of my favourites. The people seem so humble and happy after such a horrible history with the Pol Pot regime back in 1975 where 1 out of 3 Cambodians were killed. To come out of something so brutal and be happy with the little they have is remarkable and very humbling. Bosnia as well for a similar reason. Visiting Sarajevo and seeing the bullet holes in the buildings and learning about their history with the war and how seeing their resilience, just made me appreciate the country even more. But then on a complete contrast, I love Dubai with its man-made structures and artificial palm island. I guess deep down I’m still a city girl.

What are your top 3 tips for women travelling Asia on their own?

Southeast Asia is much easier to travel around than the rest of Asia. We have a Facebook community and so many girls seem to be heading to Thailand or Cambodia. There are so many travellers

there that you’ll never be alone.

My top 3 tips would be: 1. Book your first night’s accommodation and airport transfer before you go or find out the best way to get from the airport to reduce transfer costs and give you peace of mind.

2. Don’t expect the health and safety to be the same as it is as home. If you take a long-tail boat or a sleeper boat you’ll find lots of other travellers doing the same.

Expect overcrowded transport then you’ll be prepared. Travelling around Southeast Asia is definitely an adventure especially if you are open to it.

3. Always go with your instinct - don’t be afraid to be rude and remove yourself from a situation if it doesn’t feel right. You don’t have to be polite all the time. Your instinct is your survival mechanism and gets heightened especially when you travel solo.

If you had 6 weeks to travel Asia what route would you take?

Thailand - fly into Bangkok, take the overnight train up to Chiang Mai and do a hill tribe trek then go south and spend some time on the beaches. Consider flying down to somewhere such as Ko Samui and flying back to Bangkok if you want to see more of Asia.

Cross the border from Bangkok into Cambodia, spend time in Siem Reap visiting Angkor Wat on the back of a motorbike (you can hire drivers there), before staying at a guest house on the river in Phnom Penh. If you have time, head south to the beach (although they aren’t on par with the ones in Thailand). Then travel across to Vietnam, spend time learning about the war history, see the Cu Chi tunnels, and spend some time in Ho Chi Minh City. Head north to Dalat, a lovely town with French villas, then onto Hoi An, a UNESCO World

Heritage Site, then Hue, the former imperial capital. Fly to Hanoi and take a boat cruise around Halong Bay. If you have time visit neighbouring Lao.

You’ve also travelled the Middle East - what was that like, do you feel safe travelling there?

I love the Middle East. I have been to Israel, Jordan, and Qatar solo, and Dubai and Lebanon with someone else. For me it has an air of mystery. I also think it’s important to visit countries here and break down prejudices that people may have of the Middle East. Israel was amazing and I felt incredibly safe. I did an experiment in Jordan and died my hair brown before I arrived in Amman. I felt invisible at first as a brunette and then when the dark started to fade, I felt slightly uncomfortable as a blonde. But Jordan is an amazing country so I definitely recommend going. It isn’t the easiest place to get around so you need a private driver for some areas. Israel is easy to travel around with better transport. Qatar is really small and I visited the capital and felt really comfortable. The Lebanese are so friendly and I felt extremely comfortable here as well as Dubai which is one of my favourite places in the world. The Middle East is an amazing place and definitely an experience for a solo.

What tips do you have for people considering trips to the Middle East?

Cover up and be respectful to their religion.

Israel was very cosmopolitan so it’s a good starting point for the Middle East if you want to dip your toes in the continent.

When I was travelling in the Middle East (and also India), I understood how a solo female can be perceived travelling alone.

If you’re in a country which doesn’t share the same western values, being alone can be easily frowned upon, especially once you’ve reached a certain age. Not having a husband or even being divorced is

unacceptable in some countries so to make my life easier I invented a boyfriend who I would be meeting in the next place.

I would also say don’t listen too much to the news. I was in Amman when the foreign office claimed that it was dangerous but I saw no protests and the area that I was in was fine. Of course there are some dangerous places but there are at home too. Just be aware of the hot spots to avoid and don’t go travelling to countries which could be on the brink of a civil war and you’ll be fine.

Where’s somewhere you’re dying to go to that you haven’t been to yet?

I was really lucky to visit Easter Island last year which had been on my bucket list for decades. This island is simply magical. I really want to see Papua New Guinea as indigenous tribes fascinate me and this country is known for its mountainous tribes.

I also want to visit Myanmar for the Buddhist temples of Bagan.

Article by Lisa Elridge, follow her travels at www.girlabouttheglobe.com

Asia Tours For 2017...

• • • •

India tours from $596 from 8 to 16 days including the Taj Mahal, Delhi and Jaipur.

Nepal tours from $922 over 9 days including Kathmandu, the Himalayas and Chitwan National Park.

Cambodia tours from $310 from 5 13 days including Angkor Wat, Siem Reap and Phnom Penh.

Thailand tours from $623 from 7 days including Bangkok, Chiang Mai amd Wat Rong Khun.

Alternatively see what Asia combination tours are available to tick off more countries from your bucket list. www.traveltalktours.com.

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Off To Panama

Discover the beauty of Panama in the New Year.

If you’re currently planning your adventures for 2017, then this Latin American country is one to consider.

Situated in the highlands and flanked by lush tropical forests, Panama is surprisingly large and offers a diverse abundance of activities to be enjoyed upon arriving.

Panama is the gateway to South America and is wedged between Costa Rica in Central America and Colombia in South

America. With both an east and west coast, there’s plenty of fantastic snorkeling and diving on hand on both the Caribbean and Pacific coasts.

Speaking of coasts, Panama is also surrounded by gorgeous islands just waiting be explored, so a trip to this Central American country means you can take delight in tropical islands and play castaway for the day. With the lifestyle being pretty cheap in Panama it means you can easily stretch your travel budget to spend a bit of time here. Bocas del Toro is a must for those of you who want to scuba dive, surf and party and is situated on the Caribbean side,

so if long, pristine white beaches is what you’re after - you’ll find it here.

Panama is one geographically diverse country so traipsing through jungles doing your best Tarzan impression, as well as tango-ing your way around town by night will give you the ultimate Latin American experience.

As an emerging tourist destination, you can be sure to avoid the crowds whilst travelling around all its points of interest. And what’s more the flora and fauna of Panama are also incredibly diverse with the country playing host to over 900 different species

of birds. But it’s not just wildlife that makes the country an attractive travel destination, Panama’s many indigenous tribes still thrive and live traditionally as their ancestors would making it an extremely culturally rich experience for visitors.

Due to it’s thoroughfare location, Panama is a great launch pad to either exploring other Central American countries or making your way down to South America.

Whichever way you choose to explore Panama, the choice is yours. www.freeandeasytraveler.com

TOP 5 BRAZILIAN CLUBS The summer down in Brazil might be over, taking another crazy and colourful carnival with it, but that’s not to say there aren’t still a wealth of clubbing experiences to be had in the country. The dance scene there has been exploding for years now, with new labels, producers and live acts all popping up more and more on the radar of underground fans over in Europe. If you’re planning on heading to this South American country this year, be sure to experience these hedonistic clubs for a full taste of Latin America’s club scene.

LAROC This place is only open 18 times a year but has still got a great reputation around the world. Couched in the bottom of the Valinhos valley, with a big outdoor pool and plenty of different bars and terraces, it is surrounded by lush green forests and is an open air sunset club that has DJs play from mid afternoon until sundown, which is a truly remarkable experience. Everyone from James Zabiela to Axwell, Claptone and

Kolombo to Pete Tong has done so, and for that reason this place has to be seen to be believed.

WARUNG Warung - which takes its name from the word for a type of small family-owned business - is one of the most famous places to party in Brazil. It is a fantastic beach club than runs from the edge of the sea right into the Mata atlântica (Atlantic forests). Inspired

by Indonesian architecture it is a series of wooden huts that are all open air. The dance floor, too, is in the trees and is open air, with a second elevated dance floor offering terrace views of the ocean. When the sun comes up here it is one of the most special moments in dance music. John Digweed, Tale of Us, Cassy and Red Axes are the sort of acts to expect here.

D EDGE This club in Sao Paolo is known for its sleek lines, futuristic design and cutting edge sound system. It boasts two labels, D Edge and Olga, has Renato Ratier as resident DJ and hosts everyone from Sven Vath to Richie Hawtin, Jackmaster to Agoria. A sister club in Rio is just about to open, too, and already some pop up parties on the site of the new club have gone down a storm.

NOON/00 Another Rio club, Noon/00 features a hybrid

design combining an outdoor garden with a trendy restaurant and modern dance floor.

Under a canopy of trees, dancers get down to slick beats from a range of DJs, all with lots of bamboo screening, warm Brazilian nights and colourful characters for company.

It is a beautifully organic place to party, for sure.

PACHA FLORIANOPOLIS You know what you are going to get with Pacha, wherever it is in the world: high end design, plush interiors and a glammed up

crowd with a fresh and funky soundtrack.

This one is no different and packs thousands of clubbers into a big space that has many levels, sexy dancers and local and international acts alike.

Find more thingst to do in South America as well as more inspiration for your travels this year. Log on to bbmlive.com/travel-ideas

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LA TOMATINA - THE MESSIEST FESTIVAL IN EUROPE Every August, you can expect one messy trip to Bunol as La Tomatina takes place. It kind of says it in the name, but as you can imagine you can expect to see, feel and taste a hell of a lot of tomatoes as locals and tourists alike come together for the world’s biggest food fight.

In 2017, the mass celebration will take place from 28th August - 1st September and is basically one giant bloody mary of a weekend.

The night before La Tomatina can be spent at the Water & Wine Festival in Requeña which only costs 20 euros to get to. Heading there, you can experience an evening getting acquainted with the Spanish traditions, as well as going to a fake bullfight. At 1am, the chilled atmosphere changes and you are lead through the streets by a brass band as the locals go nuts with a water and wine war - just make sure you take a cup so you can drink some too!

At La Tomatina, you can basically go nuts with hurling tomatoes at strangers and friends alike, but be warned, goggles are advisable, and definitely get a waterproof case for your phone - trust us - it won’t last two minutes against that amount of juicy tomatoes.

During your culturally enriching trip you’ll stay together on a massive party campsite with twin share tents, where you can take advantage of Stoke’s official after party with a 10 euro unlimited beer and sangria offer to keep you well lubricated.

At 60 euros a day, you’ll be provided with accommodation, some hot

meals, the campsite party and bus transfers. Tickets to La Tomatina are extra.

A change of clothes is seriously recommended.

Book now at stoketravel.com

CHASE THE ENDLESS SUN It may be heading toward winter in the Southern Hemisphere, but north of the equator things are just stepping into gear.

As the days get longer, the air gets warmer and the summer vibes of Europe are beckoning you to their beaches. If you, like us, can’t bear the thought of a long and gloomy winter, then book a flight ticket and get yourself over to Greece.

Departing from Athens, Sail in Greece’s yachting and cruise holidays are the perfect way to spend a week exploring the Greek Islands. By day you can frolic in the Aegean Sea, and uncover the mystique of the ancient Greek legends.

Come nightfall you can let your inhibitions slip away as the Greek Islands come alive under the cover of darkness. From the party island of Mykonos to the bustling bars of Ios, the Greek’s sure know how to party. Start your evenings with a few cocktails on board before heading out to explore the laneways, strips

and clubs of each island you dock at overnight.

Wake the next morning to take full advantage of being on board one of Sail In Greece’s comfortable ships as you fuel up on a life-saving breakfast and blast your hangover away with a dip in the crystal clear waters. Your days can be either spent chilling or exploring or sailing on to your next destination.

Sail in Greece recently launched their brand new mega yachts meaning there’s even more fun to be had on board a Sail In Greece holiday.

With typical itineraries lasting 7 days, sailing the Greek Islands is a great way to get a feel for this beautiful part of Europe.

Save 10% now with their early bird discount by booking 4 months in advance.

To find out more about Sail in Greece’s sailing holidays visit their website and get booking today to keep summer alive...

www.sail-in-greece.com

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WHY YOU CAN’T MISS OUT ON IBIZA 2017

Ibiza, also known as the White Isle is the most famous party destination in the entire world.

With its roots for hedonism spanning back to the 70s, this Balearic Island has been welcoming carefree transience for generations.

to see worldclass DJs take over the clubs and beaches, but with entry fees sitting around the 50 euro mark, you’ll want to travel smart if you want to be part of Ibiza 2017.

In recent years, we’ve seen the uprise of the Baltic and Greek Islands giving Ibiza a run for their money - offering clubbing destinations at a snip of the cost of a week long clubbing holiday in Ibiza, however, this world-class destination has found ways to keep its status as party capital of the world by getting smarter in how to deliver the “Ibiza Experience” without draining revellers bank accounts.

The great thing about using the helping hand of a company such as the aforementioned means you can spend less time worrying about making sure you know the “coolest” parties to go to as they will do all the work for you, so all you need do is pose for your instagram shots and let loose with some of the most incredible music on the planet whilst you soak up the free-spirited Ibiza vibes.

Last year in Ibiza saw the closure of famous super club, Space, but this year will welcome Hi courtesy of the team behind Ushuaia which erupted on to the Ibiza scene just a couple of summers ago. Of course, the “must do” clubs and party experiences in Ibiza remain the same - with an afternoon at Cafe Mambo being a must, as well as parties at Ibiza Rocks, pool parties at Ushuaia, topped off with Oceanbeat boat party.

From May to October each year, the Island welcomes revellers from around the entire world to its shores

Companies such as Together Week are making the reality of a summer in Ibiza happen with their Ibiza holiday packages including flights and entry to some of the hottest events in Ibiza over a 16 week period.

Ibiza is a right of passage that simply can’t be missed.

So start planning your trip now as Ibiza 2017 is set to be one for the ravers history books.

TRAVEL ESSENTIALS Keep things practical and stylish whilst you travel. This month we’re going for comfort and practicality with these clever travel essentials and smart buys.

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Ibiza Deals • • •

Hotel + Events + Flights Packages From £275pp Hotel + Events Only Packages From £199pp Events Only Packages From £129pp

Find out more about Ibiza 2017 deals at www. together.travel/ together-week/ibiza

1. Keep the party going with the Minirig Bluetooth Speaker with 80 hours battery life - $207 - www.minirigs.co.uk 2. Keep Charged whereever you are with the Dubleup credit card sized portable charger - $50 - Dubleup.com 3. Keep silky smooth whilst on the road with these newly designed Dorco razors for him and her - $8 - www.razorsbydorco.co.uk.

4. Don’t strain to hold your tablet up with the iBeanie doubles up as a pillow too - $40 - www.ibeani.co.uk 5. Keep your skin clear whilst travelling with the VOYA travel skincare set - $62 voya.ie 6. Kick back at airports or festivals with the Sitpack. Available in 5 different colours $72 at www.sitpack.dk 7. Keep it cool with Polaroid 5015 sunglasses - $53 - www.discountedsunglasses.co.uk 8. Keep your iPhone safe with the Defense Lux Wood for iPhone 7 & 7 Plus - $56 - xdorialife.com

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ACCOMMODATION New South Wales Sydney The Globe Backpackers 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 Free: 1800 806 384 Ph: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com West End Backpackers 12 Pitt St Sydney NSW, 2000 Ph: 02 9211 4588 Free Phone: 1800 013 186 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.nomadsworld.com/westend Bounce Sydney 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph (02) 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au Porterhouse Hotel 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 9211 4454 info@porterhouse.com.au www.Porterhouse.com.au Big Hostel Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92816030 Free: 1800 212 244 reception@bighostel.com www.bighostel.com O’Malley’s Hotel 228 William Street, Kings Cross Sydney, NSW 2011 Ph: 02 9357 2211 admin@omalleyshotel.com.au www.omalleyshotel.com.au Sydney Central Hostel 428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 Ph: (02) 9211 7323 stay@sydneycentralhostel.com.au www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au Kanga House backpackers 141 Victoria Street, Kings Cross, Sydney Ph: (02) 9357 7897 www.KangaHouse.com.au Sydney Northern Beaches Sydney Beachouse - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 mail@sydneybeachouse.com.au www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year.

Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

Port Stephens

Melaleuca Surfside Backpackers 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph: (02) 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au

Katoomba

Katoomba Mountain Backpackers Lodge 31 Lurline st Katoomba, NSW Ph: 04782 3933 stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au www.katoombabackpackers.com.au Blue Mountains Backpackers Hostel 144 Bathhurst Road, Katoomba, NSW 2780 Ph: 02 4782 9630 bluemountainsbackpackerhostel. com.au

Byron Bay Byron Bay Accom Ph: 02 66 808 666 Email: bookings@byronbayaccom. net www.byronbayaccom.net Aquarius Backpackers 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 Ph: (02) 6685-7663 Free: 1800 028 909 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au Nomads Byron Bay 1 Lawson Lane, Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6680 7966 Free: 1800 766 673 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Arts Factory Lodge 1 Skinners Shoot Road, Byron Bay, NSW Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Ph: (02) 4406-3101 www.laketabourietouristpark.com.au

Maca’s Camping Ground Ph: 02 6684 5211 1156 Main Arm Rd, Upper Main Arm NSW 2482, Australia www.macascampingground.com/ macascampingground@gmail.com

Queensland

CEDAR CREEK LODGES THUNDERBIRD PARK Cnr of Cedar Creek Falls Rd & Tamborine Mountain Rd, Tamborine, QLD 4272 info@cedarcreeklodges.com.au www.cedarcreeklodges.com.au Backpackers in Paradise 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: (07) 5538 4344 Free: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com Surfers Paradise Backpackers rsrt Backpackers Resort,2837 Gold Coast Highway, Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Free: 1800 282 800 spbr@bigpond.net.au www.surfersparadisebackpackers. com.au

Port Douglas United Port Douglas

37 Warner Street, Port Douglas, QLD

Ph: 07 4099 5011 unitedportdouglas.com.au Airlie Beach Airlie Beach YHA 394 Shute Harbour Road Airlie Beach QLD Phone: (07) 4946 6312 Free:1800 247 251 airliebeach@yha.com.au www.yha.com.au

Cairns

Cairns Share House 17 Scott Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Ph: (+617) 4041 1875 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com Nomads Esplanade 93 The Esplanade, Cairns, QLD 4870 Ph: 07 4031 7477 Free: 1800 175 716 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com www.nomadshostels.com Dreamtime Travellers Rest 4 Terminus Street (corner of Bunda st.& Terminus st.)

Cairns 4870 Queensland Ph: (07) 4031 6753 info@dreamtimehostel.com www.dreamtimehostel.com

Cape Tribulation PK’s Jungle Village Cape Tribulation Road (PMB 7) Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com Rainbow Beach Pippies Beach House Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

Western Australia Perth

western beach lodge 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth WA Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au Britannia On William 253 William Street, Northbridge, WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 www.perthbritannia.com EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce, Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com Beatty Lodge 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au

Monkey Mia Dolphin Resort Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

Kununurra Kununurra Backpackers Adventure Centre 24 Nutwood Crescent, Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 or 1800 641 998 kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au broome Beaches of Broome 4 Sanctuary Road, Cable Beach, Broome, WA, 6725 Ph : 1300 881 031 bookings@beachesofbroome.com. au www.beachesofbroome.com.au

Victoria redcliffs hotel 25 Jacaranda St, Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704 Johanna Beach Cottages 225 Blue Johanna Road Johanna Heights Victoria 3238 (03) 5237 4224 cottages@johannabeach.com www.johannabeach.com Brambuk Backpackers Hostel 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, VictoriaPh: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au www.brambuk.com.au/ backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

Habitat HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Northern Territory Darwin Youth Shack 69 Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1300 793 302 youthshack.com.au Melaleuca on Mitchell 52 Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 09 8941 7800 momdarwin.com Chillis Backpackers 69 Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 chillis.com.au

Alice Springs Annie’s Place 4 Traeger Avenue, Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au Haven Backpacker Resort 3 Larapinta Drive, Alice Springs Ph: 1800 79 4663 / 08 8952 4663 www.alicehaven.com.au

South Australia Adelaide Adelaide Travellers Inn Backpackers 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers. com.au adelaidebackpackers.om.au

Melbourne

The Deck 117 Harcourt St, New Farm Brisbane QLD 4005 Ph: 0433 777 061 the_deck@live.com.au Designed with the working Traveler in Mind. Minimum 2 week stay Brisbane City YHA 392 Upper Roma St, Brisbane QLD 4000 Ph: (07) 3236 1004 brisbanecity@yha.com.au www.yha.com.au

JJ’s Backpackers 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Ph - (07) 4051 7642 Free- 1800 666 336 jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au www.jjsbackpackers.com Heron Island Ph: 02 9538 0751 www.heronisland.com

Aquarius Backpackers 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Free:1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au

Rambutan 113 – 119 Flinders Street, Townsville 4810 enquiries@rambutantownsville.com Ph: 07 4771 6915 www.rambutantownsville.com

Boranup Forest Retreat 422 Sebbes Road, Forest Grove Ph: +61 404 895 901 www.boranupforestretreat.com.au monkey mia

The Dive Shed Busselton

Crocosaurus Cove

Drop Bear Adventures

Townsville

COOLIBAH LODGE 194 Brisbane Street Northbridge Perth WA Ph: (08) 9328 9958 www.coolibahlodge.com.au

OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS

1 Eric St Cottesloe Beach Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au www.obh.com.au

Boranup

Melbourne Discovery 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au United Backpackers 250 Flinders Street, Melbourne Ph: 03 9654 2616 unitedbackpackers.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider Victoria Hall Accommodation 380 Russell Street, Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au

THINGS TO DO Skydiving iFly Downunder

123 Mulgoa Road, Penrith, Sydney Ph: 1300 366 364 www.iflydownunder.com.au

Sydney Skydivers

745 Picton Road, Wilton, New South Wales, Australia 2571 Ph: 1800 805 997 admin@sydneyskydivers.com.au www.sydneyskydivers.com.au

Southern Skydivers

2 hours South from Perth Busselton Ph: 1300 449 669 info@southernskydivers.com.au www.southernskydivers.com.au

Scuba Diving NINGLAOO WHALE SHARK & DIVE CENTRE Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth, WA Ph: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive. com.au

21 Queen Street, Busselton, WA Ph: 08 9754 1615 www.diveshed.com.au

Adventure Tours

58 Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 08 8981 7522 www.crocosauruscove.com

Wild Expeditions

Awesome Whitsundays

Shop 20, Johnny Chi Lane, Broome Ph: 1300 73 88 70 www.wildexpeditions.com.au

Australian Kayaking Adventures

Margaret River Vintage Wine Tours

Ph: 1800 293 7663 www.awesomewhitsundays.com PO Box 1055, Ashmore City, QLD Ph: 04 1294 0135 www.australiankayakingadventures. com.au

Skyrail Rainforest Cableway Cnr Captain Cook Highway and Cairns Western Arterial Road Smithfield, QLD Ph: 07 4038 5555 www.skyrail.com.au Contiki Ph: 1300 188 635 www.contiki.com

aussie wanderer

Ph: 0894382070 info@aussiewanderer.com.au www.aussiewanderer.com.au

Ph: 0417 948 933 www.winetoursmargaretriver.com.au

The Peel Region Tourism

75 Mandurah Terrace, Mandurah Ph: 08 9550 3999 www.visitpeel.com.au

Kangaroo Island Adventure Tours Vivonne Bay, Kingscote, SA Ph: 08 8202 8678 www.kiadventuretours.com.au

GOIN SOUTH

Four days, two famous Aussie icons, one awesome tour Ph: 1800 009 858

PENRITH WHITE WATER RAFTING

Ph: 02 4730 4333 booking@penrithwhitewater.com.au www.penrithwhitewater.com.au

Ph: 1800 061 156 www.dropbearadventures.com.au

The Official Home And Away Tour To Summer Bay

ADVENTURE KAYAKING

Territory Expeditions

Ph: 02 9977 7890 www.yahoo7.com.au/homeandaway

Kite Surfing

7 Hastings Street, Glenelg South, SA Ph: 08 8295 8812 bookings@adventurekayak.com.au www.adventurekayak.com.au

Mulgas Adventures

KITE REPUBLIC

PARADISE JET BOATING

Kakadu Wild Expeditions

10-18 Jacka Blvd. St.Kilda Sea Baths Complex, St.Kilda, 3182, Melbourne, VIC Ph: 03 95370644 www.kiterepublic.com.au

Jetty ‘C’ Mariners Cove Marina, Seaworld Drive, Main Beach Qld 4217 Ph: 1300 JET BOAT (1300 538 262) thrills@paradisejetboating.com.au www.paradisejetboating.com.au

Kakadu 4WD Safaris

Water Activities

TRANSPORT MIGHTY CAMPERS

Adventure Tours australia

GREAT OCEAN ROAD SURF TOURS

Ph: 1300 115 922 www.territoryexpeditions.com.au Ph: 08 8952 1545 www.mulgasadventures.com.au Ph: 1300 73 88 70 darwinsales@kimberleywild.com.au www.kakaduwild.com.au Ph: 1300 525 238 info@kadu4wdsafaris.com www.kakadu4wdsafaris.com Ph: 1300 654 604 adventuretours.com.au

Sydney Outback Tours

Ph: 1300 307 634 www.sydneyoutback.com.au

Real Sydney Tours

Ph: 0402 049426 www.realsydneytours.com.au

The Travel Yoga Company

Ph: 0411301820 www.theyogatravelcompany.com

Kimberley Wild Expeditions Ph: 1300 73 88 70 www.kimberleywild.com.au

55B Surf Coast Highway, Torquay, Victoria, 3228 Ph: 03 5261 3730 info@gorsurftours.com.au www.gorsurftours.com.au

KANGAROO MARINE CHARTERS

9 Chapman Terrace, Kingscote, Kangaroo Island, SA Ph: 0427 315 286 www.kimarineadventures.com

Nationwide Ph: 1800 670 232 www.mightycampers.com.au

GREAT SOUTHERN RAIL

Nationwide Ph: 1800 703 357 www.greatsouthernrail.com.au

Integrity Coach Lines

PO BOX 1131, Midland, 6936 WA Ph: 08 927 47464 www.integritycoachlines.com.au

Go Camper

90 Parkin Street, Rockingham, WA Ph: 1300 667 363 www.gocamper.com.au

38

CRYSTAL BALLS Virgo

people finally stop asking “that” question largely because they now assume you’re some sort of horrific burns victim and it’s probably a touchy subject.

While rummaging through that drawer in your house where you keep all the crap you don’t want to throw away, you stumble across the Lost Ark of the Covenant which has been missing ever since the 6th Century invasion of Jerusalem by the Babylonians.

Turns out it was just under an empty picture frame covered in paper clips.

Sagittarius In a shocking revelation in his last will and testament, it is revealed that YOU are the illegitimate love child of David Bowie and one of his favourite groupies. He never acknowledged you in his lifetime for fear of upsetting his beloved wife, what’s her face. But in his will, he has bequeathed you the codpiece he wore as the Goblin King in the movie Labyrinth. You can still make out the sweat stains from his ball bag.

Gemini

Capricorn After an exhaustive global search, the agents of One Direction get in touch to see if you’d be interested in replacing Zayn Malik for their next tour of Australia. Their music might be shit, but the prospect of fame and fortune is too tempting to turn down and you duly sign up. Unfortunately, when they said they wanted you to replace Zayn Malik, what they meant was they wanted someone to wear a Zayn mask while they were on tour so they could abuse, degrade and physically assault their former bandmate whenever the mood took them. You spend the month being spat on by Harry Styles.

An administrative error caused by budget cuts results in you being accidentally visited by the Grim Reaper when he should have come for a neighbour instead. You complain to heaven’s HR department and after two weeks spent, literally, in limbo you are cleared to return to your bodily form. Unfortunately, your cadaver has turned a bit mouldy in the meantime and all the Lynx Africa in the world can’t mask the maggots that frequently drop out of your scalp. On the plus side, you’re a shoo-in for this year’s top prize at the annual Halloween fancy-dress costume at work.

Cancer After a severe reaction to eating peanuts, you turn into a bat and spend the rest of the month shitting on unsuspecting pedestrians in the botanic gardens.

Taurus

Pisces You come up with a great idea for a TV show and spend the next four weeks frantically writing about an ambitious mediaeval Scottish lord who gets corrupted by the promise of power and kills the king after a chance meeting with three witches.

Unfortunately, it’s almost a word-for-word rip off of Macbeth and is witheringly dismissed

by TV executives. When you revise the script to add more gratuitous sex scenes, however, you are commissioned by Netflix to write two seasons of 10 episodes.

If there’s one question people ask you more than any other it’s “what happened to your face?” Well you finally get some plastic surgery done this week and, sure enough,

ASK CRYSTAL Dear Crystal, I’m getting really fed up with my boyfriend because he never puts the toilet seat down. The fact he doesn’t flush either makes it worse, especially as he loves curry. What can I do?

Yours, Jane

Dear Jane, I used to have the same problem when I lived with Noel Edmonds for a brief period in the 90s. We had a lot of fun times, and he used to love the boxes of strap-ons and bull whips I had in my wardrobe. I swear that’s how he came up with the idea for deal or no deal, in fact “no deal” used to be his safety word. Anyway, as you can imagine, all that pegging left his anus somewhat loose, so he was on the toilet so much he often forgot to flush. The Crufts approach worked for me - I’d grab him by the beard and rub his nose in it. He soon stopped after that I can tell you. There’s an old episode of Noel’s House Party where you can still see the shit stains on his jumper.

Dear Crystal, An ex of mine keeps viewing my LinkedIn profile. Frankly, it’s freaking me out because he’s a bit of a weirdo. Does it mean he’s cyber-stalking me? What should I do?

Yours, Sandra Dear Sandra, I had a similar issue with Noel Edmonds a couple of years ago. He never really got over me. I got him to stop by going over to his house and rubbing his nose in a big pile of his own shit. He soon gave up after that.

Dear Crystal, I have an unruly labradoodle who refuses to be housetrained. How would you recommend I deal with him to stop him leaving a mess in my kitchen every time I leave the house?

Yours, Janine Dear Janine, Hmm, that’s a tough one but probably the best way to punish a dog is to make him watch Deal or No Deal with Noel Edmonds. It’s the equivalent of rubbing someone’s nose in a pile of shit. Only worse.

Libra You finally get around to piddling off that corn on your big toe. It’s the highlight of your month.

Aquarius In a bid to consolidate naming rights, your star sign is bought out in a hostile takeover by Aquariums! Aquariums!

Aquariums! - the biggest aquarium retailer in the Asia-Pacific region. The good news is you get a windfall of $50 as an Aquarius shareholder. The bad news is you are now legally recognised as an aquarium and are forced to keep exotic fish in your mouth for 11 months of the year.

Leo In a bid to boost workplace morale, your boss introduces an “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”-style game which involves staff members voting for each other to take part in bushtucker trials on Friday afternoons.

Long story short, you are forced to eat cockroaches for the next four weeks.

Aries Ten minutes after reading this horoscope, you will be hit and killed by a falling meteorite. The only way to avoid this fate is by locking yourself in the nearest bathroom and balancing the toilet roll on your head until the danger passes. If it falls off, you will be killed. Well don’t just sit there looking like an idiot, do it. Do it now!

Scorpio You finally get a foot on Sydney’s property ladder by taking a $300,000 mortgage out on an actual ladder propped up against an end terrace.

JOKES Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?

He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fucking the chickens. Bill, Byron Bay What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water?

It might take me a while to get hard cause I just got laid by some chick. Trent, Surry Hills I love Jesus.

He’s born, I get presents. He dies, I get chocolate.

Tilly, Paddington Why wouldn’t you want to be an Easter Egg? Cos it takes 3 minutes to get hard. Selena, Fremantle Why wouldn’t you want to be an Easter Egg? You only get eaten once. Doug, Darlinghurst I feel sorry for Jesus. He spent most of his life trying to do good deeds, yet more people celebrate his death than Hitler’s. Daisy, Karinyup Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the innkeeper three nails and says, “Can you put me up for the night?” Joe, Brisbane I think it’s great that the supermarkets are doing ‘Buy One Get One Free’ on Easter eggs now.

It’s brilliant, because if you’re in a relationship, you can get one each for you and your partner, and if you’re a single woman, you can have both and try to eat away the loneliness. Jake, Fitzroy Why wouldn’t you want to be an Easter egg?

You only get laid once. Marv, Perth What’s the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang up the picture of Jesus.

Harry, Cottesloe Jesus was hanging from the cross and he called out to Peter.

“Peter, I need to see you.”

Peter tried to get to the cross but the Roman soldiers fought him back.

Jesus again said, “Peter, please come here. I want to tell you something.”

Again Peter tries to fight his way through the guards but once again they stop him.

One more time, Jesus says, “Peter, please, I need to tell you something.

This time, Peter musters up all of his strength, manages to get past the guards, goes up to the cross and says, “Yes my Lord, what do you want to tell me.”

Jesus replies, “I can see your house from up here.”

Ali, Manly Two Easter bunnies walk into a bar. One of them gets really drunk and the other just drinks water. All of a sudden the drunk bunny looks at the sober one and yells, “I slept with your mother.” The bar gets real quiet as they wait for the other bunny to speak. He sighs and and calmly says, “Let’s go home, Dad, you’re drunk.”

Taryn, Cottesloe

Email your jokes to info@bbmlive.com

www.bbmlive.com 39

Best Burlesque In Australia Australia has some of the best burlesque and cabaret performances and clubs in the world.

With so many sexy shows and beautiful burlesque dancers to choose from, its hard to know which way to turn.

Whether you’re looking for more traditional acts or the darker side of burlesque, read on as we point you to the best burlesque and cabaret shows in Australia.

Burlesque Showboat Cruise All aboard for a fun-filled evening with fine refreshments and talented performers! This cruise-meetsburlesque twist takes place on the beautiful Lady Cutler. The entertaining live show takes place on the upper deck only, but the slightly naughty atmosphere and breathtaking night view of Melbourne surround the entire boat. You can dress up for fun themes like ‘Great

Gatsby Burlesque’ and ‘Prom Night’ to get into the spirit.

Book your tickets for this monthly show on their website and find out more about their burlesque events. www.burlesqueshowboat.com.au

The Crystal Bar Standing as one of the most renowned burlesque bars in the heart of Sydney, The Crystal Bar puts on its famous Crystal Boudoir Cabaret show on Saturday nights from 9pm to 2am. The venue has a Parisian feel with rouge-hewn sandstone walls and glitzy pink bar backdrop. The dancers are adorned with handmade, sequinned, tasselled costumes, and aim to delight you with their sexy moves.

1 Martin Place, Sydney www.facebook.com/CrystalBoudoir

Slide Lounge This Oxford Street lounge was voted Sydney’s Number one Burlesque venue by Time Out Sydney and befits its description as ‘the living playground for beautiful people’.

The Slide’s sensational shows for the bodily and psychic pleasures will not disappoint. Their most famous Risqué Revue takes place every Thursday night and involves a lavish Parisian burlesque show and a three course French dinner. Indulge in this highly acclaimed multi-act

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