Australia Work & Travel - August 2017 issue 939

AUSTRALIA Australia’s no.1 publication for internationl visitors, expats, working holiday makers and like minded Australians

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Gro ove Ar m a d a Discover Western Australia

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EXPAT HANGOUTS Sydney

131 Queen St, Melbourne Turfbar.com.au

Looking for a traditional pub with excellent pub gub and food deals throughout the week? Look no further than this traditional Irish boozer in the heart of Surry Hills serving up Guiness as well as pub staples such as Steak & chips at great prices.

233 Riley Street, Surry Hills www.porterhouse.com.au

This Irish themed chain of pubs will certainly give you the feel of a traditional Irish pub.

With live trad music, Guinness, Sunday roasts, pies and more, it’s the perfect place to cosy up on a Sunday for some TLC in the form of great ales and comfort food!

Southgate Restaurant & Shopping Precinct, Southbank www.pjobriens.com.au

THE PORTERHOUSE

KEG AND BREW

Bourbon, beer and bites – that’s what’s on offer at the Keg and Brew! Featuring the highest number of beers per square metre of floor space in Australia, there is a guaranteed flavour for every palette.

26 Foveaux Street, Surry Hills www.kegandbrew.com.au

CHURCHILLS SPORTS BAR

Chruchill’s have an exceptional menu where you can enjoy a schnitzel and beer for just $15. Here, you can also check out all the latest sport live on their screens including live Champions League, Europa and Cup Football.

532 Anzac Parade, Kingsford churchillsbar.com.au

THE BAT & BALL HOTEL

From 10kg buckets of chicken wings for just $10 to one of the best roast dinners in town, the Bat & Ball will keep you fed and watered all week with nightly meal deals at great prices in a fantastic setting with a great atmosphere. What more could you ask for?

Corner of Cleveland & South Dowling Streets, Sydney www.parksidebar.com.au

Melbourne TURF BAR

The Turf Bar is one of the most well equipped sports bars in Victoria and shows live sport all year round. Don’t miss out on Wednesdays at The Turf bar for some great drinks deals.

Music, Food, and Phenomenal Vibes: Lost Picnic is Returning

P.J. O’BRIENS

THE CRAFTY SQUIRE

The Crafty Squire is a premium craft beer venue with a wide (and delicious) selection of brews on tap.

127 Russell Street, Melbourne www.thecraftysquire.com.au

Perth

HULA BULA BAR

A tropical paradise in the heart of the city! Drop into Hula Bula Bar for a cheeky cocktail or plan to spend a cool evening with your travel buddy! Relax in the exotic surrounds and sip on a classic Tiki Cocktail that’s guaranteed to tickle your taste buds! With weekly themed evenings too, get swept away by the rum soaked rhythms of Reggae, Ska, Calypso, Mento, Limbo and Soca!

12 Victoria Ave, Perth www.hulabulabar.com

MUSTANG BAR

Situated in Perth’s nightlife centre, Northbridge, Mustang Bar is where you’ll find entertainment throughout the week. A real hub for visitors to Perth, Wednesday nights are a big pull for students and backpackers with their $5 entry fee giving you entry into their raffle, pool competition and also some great Aussie BBQ to fill you up.

46 Lake Street, Northbridge www.mustangbar.com.au

Taking over Sunday 15th October 2017, from midday until 8pm, Lost Picnic submerges Sydney in the ultimate outdoor experience of amazing food, music and performance.

Imagine the best day spent lounging on the grass under clear blue skies with your loved ones nearby. Incredible music in your ears, phenomenal food to share and an all-round awesome experience combined to make a day in 2017 like no other - that’s Lost Picnic.

You can immerse yourself in the bohemian gathering and dance barefoot on the grass, all whilst being entertained by a selection

of the finest performers. This year’s line-up showcases dub-reggae vibes from New Zealand seven-piece Fat Freddy’s Drop, The Australian Symphony Orchestra & The Beatle Boys (presenting "The 50th Anniversary Of The Summer Of Love"), Australian singer-songwriter Sarah Blasko, Montaigne, All Our Exes Live In Texas and The Teskey Brothers.

Foodies won’t be left disappointed either, as picnic hampers will be offered from a selection of Sydney's finest chefdriven restaurants: Tel Aviv Issue, Mamak, Chur Burger and more... If after all this excitement you’re still hungry for more, there’s plenty on offer to keep any age entertained; yard games, face painting, balloon sculpting, photo booths and pretty much anything you can think of will be dotted around the festival to keep you busy throughout the day.

Interested? Get your tickets now at lostpicnic.net

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THREE REASONS TO ADD DASHVILLE SKYLINE TO YOUR EAST COAST AUSTRALIAN ROAD TRIP A festival celebrating the roots of Americana, psychedelia and alternative country music, Dashville Skyline showcases music from the golden era of the mid ‘60s all the way through to today’s modern artists.

With the best artists and songwriters together in one location, sharing timeless music, kicking back and having some fun over the lazy long weekend, it’s definitely a place to add to the top of your agenda if you’re road trippin’ across the East Coast this September. Need even more persuading?

Here’s three more reasons why you should hit it up:

The Line-up is Golden Dashville Skyline plays home to an amazing experience for music lovers and has earned quite the name for itself since it’s initiation three years ago as the ultimate weekend escape, full of laid-back country music and fun for all the ages.

Now, the third instalment of Australia’s very own Cosmic Country Weekender has announced a selection of artists heading to its hallowed bushland home in the Hunter Valley for October’s long weekend. This includes bluesy-Folk tunes from Cash Savage and The Last Drinks, Indie alt-folk singer/ songwriter Mel Parsons and shoe-gazey Melbourne boys Pony Face. That got your attention? Check out the full line-up below.

It’s more than just a music festival Yeah, we get it, you’re going for the stellar line-up. But even the biggest music lovers out there enjoy somewhere to stretch their legs between sets. At Dashville, you can expect the best American cuisine, cars and culture to keep you entertained when you’re between stages.

Alongside the chilled vibes and onsite bush camping that Dashville has become renowned for, you can sink your teeth into the best food money can buy: Tex Mex, juicy burgers, low and slow, hot dogs - you better prepare your taste buds.

To wash it all down, chug back America’s finest from the bar, where you’ll find a selection of American influenced ales, spirits and cocktails. Australian wine will hold fort, however, as some say it’s superior…

If you need to walk off your decadent dining afterwards, you can take a stroll through the quaint Dashville County Fair. Last year, there was a petting zoo, flower crown-making workshops, Henna skin art, and morning yoga, so expect even more exciting activities for this year.

You can tailor the weekend to suit your needs Whether you’re looking for somewhere to check out new music and dance the weekend away, or you’re fancying a chilled break in the bush, Dashville can cater to your needs.

If you’re opposed to the sleeping-bag-onthe-ground style-camping, you’re in safe hands. Dashville’s glamping option means

there’s no need to find a spot and set up your tent on arrival, or worry about packing up when it’s time to leave. Instead, for $110 per person per night (based on two people sharing), you can awaken in a 5m Bell Tent complete with Persian carpet, beds made up with fresh linen, bedding and pillows, bamboo patio matting, outdoor seating and solar lighting. Up to four people can share a tent ($290 per night) and you can even opt in for a third night for $100.

Speaking of which, if you’re not ready to call it a day on the Saturday, you can buy an additional night in paradise in the form of the ‘Sunday Wind Down’. This bonus evening of fine live music will also include movie screenings, a dinner menu and other exciting activities yet to be announced, and passes can be bought from the merch tent all weekend.

So what are you waiting for? Visit dashville. com.au for more info and to buy your tickets.

Full line-up for Dashville Skyline 2017: Oh Mercy + Valerie June (US) + Cash Savage and the Last Drinks + William Crighton + Immigrant Union + The Teskey Brothers + Declan O’Rourke (Ire) + Mark Olson (US) and Ingunn Ringvold (No) + Tim Easton (US) + The Roamin’ Jasmine (US) + Claire Anne Taylor + Pony Face + Lachlan Bryan and the Wildes + Emma Russack + Mel Parsons (NZ) + Roadhouses + Lucie Thorne + Matt Walker + Magpie Diaries + Songs from Dan (NL) + Fallon Cush + Lyle Dennis Express + Nicholas Connors + Demi Mitchell + Paddy McHugh + Georgia State Line + Jen Mize + Ben Leece + Dashville Progress Society

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SPORTS

Media heavyweights Mayweather and McGregor finally heading to ring Well the fun had to end at some stage, but the public pantomime of Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor hurling schoolboy insults at each other in a shameless bid to boost their own coffers is finally coming to a close – mainly because there’s a pesky boxing match in the way.

After months of shameless self-promotion, the two media heavyweights will finally get to trade actual blows instead of verbal ones when they step into the ring at the T-Mobile arena on the Las Vegas Strip in Nevada on Sunday, August 27th (Australia time).

mention the fact that Mayweather will probably win the fight within the first few seconds. The only man who seems to think that McGregor has a chance is the man himself.

"His little legs, his little core, his little head, I am going to knock him out inside four rounds, mark my words,” bragged the nutjob.

There have been some bizarre, and frankly banal, insults and accusations thrown around since the fight was first scheduled on June 14, involving racism, homophobia, illiteracy, polar bears, giant murals, heightboosting shoes, and a suit with pinstripes made from the words ‘fuck you’ (amazingly we didn’t make any of these up).

Those are some mighty big words from McGregor. Especially considering the fact he’s not boxed before and his first ever opponent will be one of the sport’s greatest legends who has won 49 fights with no defeats.

So for those of you thinking ‘maybe I’ll have a cheeky punt on McGregor because he 7-1 and it’s a two-horse race’ – BBM’s advice is don’t even fricking think about it. The sensible money is on Mayweather. And the smart money is on Mayweather closer to the date when the bookies are expecting a flurry of bets to drive McGregor’s odds even further down.

Tickets for the fight itself sold out within minutes when they went on sale through Ticketmaster on July 25, despite the fact the cheapest available seat was $640 for the privilege of sitting directly behind a pillar 200m away. Not to

As for us, we’re just dreaming of the ideal scenario – where a frustrated McGregor does a roundhouse kick right to Mayweather’s face and gets disqualified. Now THAT would be worth paying $640 to see.

Pay dispute hopes turning to Ashes Terry-fying going ahead, the closer we get to The jury is still out on whether start to the the actual series without it being Joe Root is a decent Test captain Premier League resolved, the bigger a distraction or not as we rumble towards this year’s Ashes series – but thankfully the omni-shambles that is Cricket Australia (CA) means England could put Theresa May in charge and they’d still walk it.

it will be for the players.

Yes the pay dispute that just runs on and on between CA and the Australian Cricketers Association is, well, still running on.

“Cricket can’t allow it to get to that point where we don’t have an Ashes series. The posturing in public is a very bad look though – and Joe Blow doesn’t want to know about it.

It’s almost a month now since the Memorandum of Understanding (which is a fancy way of saying contract agreement) between the two organisations expired but little progress has been made over a new deal.

The litmus test on just how serious this impasse is will come when the team is due to tour Bangladesh in late August.

If that doesn’t happen, then suddenly the Ashes series will look increasingly in jeopardy.

And although we can’t see it not

“It won’t get to that point,” said Kim Hughes, who played 70 Test matches for Australia.

“The Ashes is the most important series we’ve got and it would do irreparable damage if it doesn’t go ahead. I can’t imagine anything worse in cricket. It would just be obscene.”

He may have a girl’s name, but we’re inclined to agree with Kim. Still, for England fans, this is almost as much fun to watch as that time Mitchell Johnson lost all confidence during the 2010-11 series. Let’s hope it ends with the same result.

It’s mildly frightening to think there are some BBM readers out there reading this who are too young to remember a Premier League season that didn’t involve friendless fanny rat John Terry – although if Chelsea are crowned champions again we wouldn’t be surprised if he ran onto the Stamford Bridge pitch in his full Blues kit to celebrate with the rest of the squad.

But that’s about the weirdest thing you can expect when the new season kicks off at the ripe old time of 4.45am on Saturday, August 12, with a clash between perennial also-rans Arsenal and still-not-quite-sure-how-they-didit Leicester City. Tottenham face a tricky trip to Newcastle in the weekend’s other interesting game, while Brighton have the honour of being beaten by the millionaires of Manchester City in their Premier League debut.

Phelps flounders against shark “Will a boy ever be born who can swim faster than a shark?”

That was the question once posed by weasel-faced Gareth from The Office (the good, UK version) and it seems he finally has an answer after the world’s greatest ever swimmer, Michael Phelps, was pitted against a great white shark – and lost.

No surprises there, you might think. Well you’d be wrong because after all the hype surrounding the Discovery Channel’s announcement about the race, it turned out it was just a computer simulation of the two racing each other – much to the chagrin of fans who thought they were going to see the real thing.

Some social media users loved the "race" idea, but many said that they felt "robbed" by the simulation.

So come on Phelps, be a good sport and jump into a swimming pool with a great white shark in it, preferably with a hunk of bloody meat wrapped around your legs to make it really interesting.

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TOP 5 NIGHTS FOR MUSIC LOVERS IN SYDNEY

1. Rotarydisco Rotarydisco are a collective obsessed with quality chugging house, nu-disco and disco music and believe something has been missing from the Sydney scene... So they decided to do something about it.

They throw intimate parties where musiclovers can boogie to the finest quality underground sounds. In July, they’re celebrating their 2nd birthday with Somerville and Wilson at Crane bar - dress up and get down there for a taste of the action.

WHAT: Rotarydisco 2nd Birthday Party WHEN: Saturday 15th July MORE INFO: www.facebook.com/pg/ RotarydiscoSydney/events

2. S.A.S.H If your weekend is looking a little dismal, you need to hit up S.A.S.H for a Sunday sesh ASAP. Bringing you proper house music and

weekend extravaganzas every Sunday afternoon (and well into Monday mornings), SASH pops up at two different venues - by Day at The Greenwood and by night at Home Terrace.

With two outdoor “smoker friendly” venues, cheap drinks, spectacular settings, tasty food and - most importantly - excellent music, you’ll be in good hands.

WHAT: S.A.S.H’s Sunday Sessions WHEN: Every Sunday MORE INFO: www.facebook.com/sashsundays

3. Goodbar With a nod to the past and a big step towards the future, Sydney has a new late night bar and social club just outside the lockout zone, and it goes by the name of Good Bar. Originally shutting its doors back in 2006, the cosy club has now returned to its original Oxford St location, bringing you the sharpest

electronic music around.

Don’t miss their Peoples Club night’s first birthday this July, featuring the likes of Fishing, Andy Garvey and Jack Deane.

WHAT: Peoples Club’s 1st Birthday WHEN: Friday 7th July (and usually every Friday) MORE INFO: www.facebook.com/goodbarsydney

4. World Bar World Bar’s maze of rooms, booths, stairways and hidden areas is open for exploration 7 days a week, and they’ve always got something happenin’ on their agenda.

A whole range of clientele flock through the doors to enjoy their mash of entertainment - from local indie bands to international DJs; art exhibitions that later become rave-caves, there’s definitely something that will tickle your fancy.

Saturday nights to bring crowds a multigenre, multi-level Saturday night bonanza - give it a try.

WHAT: And Then WHEN: Every Saturday MORE INFO: www.theworldbar.com

5. Bald Faced Stag Located in the heart of Sydney’s inner-west, The Bald Faced Stag boasts both local and international live gigs, blasting metal to punk and every genre in between.

With a beer garden, pool tables and a tasty burger-and-beer Wednesday combo for just $15, The Stag’s the place to go for every Sydney-sider looking for a good time and even better tunes.

Maker Agency take over the bar on a

WHAT: Rock Karaoke WHEN: Every Monday MORE INFO: www.baldfacedstag.com.au

Festival, St Kilda Film Festival, Pyramid Rock Festival, Boogie Festival, the Australasian Worldwide Music Expo and CD and National Tour Campaigns for both local and international touring artists. In January 2015, Chrissie also accepted the position of Head of Entertainment Management at Collarts (Australian Collage of the Arts) where she is overseeing the Bachelor of Applied Business degree in Entertainment Management.

Stories, an exciting, dynamic not-for-profit organisation helping young adult cancer survivors to rock their treatment scars.

With degrees in International Business and Education, a spell as a primary school teacher, six years in corporate marketing and now a music PR specialist, Kylie is fast becoming a go-to music media and marketing expert with a growing roster of talented artists including Hanlon Brothers, Van Larkins and Phil Barlow.

Francis Daly: Director Troubadour Music

Dush Kumar: Chairperson - Blenheim Music and Camping Festival

Troubadour Music is an independent, multifaceted entertainment company based in Sydney. With 12 years experience touring artists from around the globe, Troubadour has grown to incorporate a unique roster, and established itself as one of Australia’s leading boutique promoters. With a reputation for providing high standards of production and performances, Troubadour has co-ordinated tours and events within Australia and internationally, focusing on building artist profile within the territory and delivering successful and unique tours to local audiences.

Dush has been working in the arts, culture and entertainment industries for over 20 years. Most recently, Dush has been involved with organising, managing and programming Blenheim Music and Camping Festival, a boutique festival in Clare Valley, South Australia. With the foundation being Blues, Roots & Reggae, the festival program has developed & evolved and now encompasses a broad variety of genres & styles, including Funk, Soul, World, Electro, Country and more.

He found his place at Blenheim Fest in 2014, initially as a volunteer, then as a board member.

Five Delegates to see at the Australian Music Week Conference Australian Music Week (AMW) is a music, film, and entertainment industry conference event that takes place in the venues around Australia’s beautiful Cronulla Beach, thirty minutes south of Sydney.

The only event of its kind in NSW, AMW is designed for music lovers, artists, and industry professionals as a chance to hear the latest emerging talent, connect, network, and do business together.

AMW will also be presenting over twenty panels featuring leading industry figures from Australia and beyond, including personnel from record labels, agencies, management and touring companies, tackling topics such as radio, touring, marketing, emerging technologies, artist management, and mental health within the music industry. If you’re heading down there this November, here’s five speakers to add to your agenda:

Damian Cunningham: Industry Liaison Consultant - Live Music Office The Live Music Office works to increase opportunities for live music in Australia by identifying and advocating for better policy, regulation and strategy. Established by the Federal Government, in partnership with APRA AMCOS, the Live Music Office was set up to review the impact of policy frameworks on the Australian live music sector. Their scope includes planning, licensing and regulatory policies, as well as cultural, audience and market development strategies. Damian’s background is across all aspects of the live music and touring industry with over twelve years’ experience in the Australian music industry. He has a strong focus on the business aspects of the live performance industry with broad

knowledge in booking venues & music festivals, touring domestic and international artists, ticketing, marketing and promotion, e-commerce and new technologies.

As Industry Liaison Consultant for the Live Music Office, he works across the live industry and government developing and delivering strategies and projects to enhance opportunities for artists, businesses and audiences across all areas of Australia.

Damian has worked as a booking agent and in logistics for festivals including the Big Day Out, Splendour in the Grass, Peats Ridge, Surry Hills Festival and the Newtown Festival. He also runs his own live music services company Elastic Entertainment.

Over the years, he has handled tour support for Lorde, A Tribe Called Red, Jon Cleary and The Good Lovelies.

Chrissie Vincent: Head of Entertainment Management/Director - Chrissie Vincent Publicity & Management Chrissie started her career in the music industry in 1981 at Festival Records in Sydney. With over 36 years experience in the music and entertainment industry, Chrissie has worked with some of the biggest names in music, both in Australia and internationally (based in Los Angeles for 5 years at Virgin Records Worldwide) including the Rolling Stones, Lenny Kravitz, David Bowie, Sex Pistols, Smashing Pumpkins, Rod Stewart and Australian artists and bands such as The Living End, Pete Murray, Don Walker, Jeff Lang, Tim Rogers, Tex Perkins – the list is endless.

Over the years, Chrissie has worked in various capacities including publicity, artist management, TV production, record promotion, radio promotion and music television @ MTV in Australia and the US. In 1999 she took the opportunity to branch out on her own as an independent publicist establishing Chrissie Vincent Publicity & Management.

Over the past 17 years, Chrissie has worked on successful publicity campaigns for events such as Falls Festival, St Kilda

Their touring roster includes the likes of Sinead O’Connor, Mary Black, Lloyd Cole, The Gloaming, Bell X1, Gavin James, The Coronas, Damien Dempsey and their management roster includes Paddy McHugh and Planet.

Kylie Cobb: Owner - Kitty Kitty Bang Bang Rated by the Australian press as one of the leading women behind the country’s booming music scene, Kylie Cobb is the owner, chief ideas woman and publicity head honcho of Kitty Kitty Bang Bang, a music PR consultancy based in Brisbane.

When she’s not landing the mugs of local, national and international musicians in the media, Kylie delivers publicity and marketing workshops for creatives, writes a monthly music column for street-press Blank GC and is a freelance writer for premier Australian music blog, Tone Deaf. Kylie is also on the board of directors for Scar

In 2004, he co-founded Higher Ground Inc (HGI), which for over 8 years operated as a year-round not-for-profit arts organisation and multi-disciplinary arts centre. Under Dush’s guidance, HGI successfully regenerated three run-down buildings in the Adelaide CBD, transforming them into arts and cultural hubs, presenting & producing local, national and international artistic & cultural work. Whilst the emphasis of his role as Coordinator at HGI was on programming, venue management and site management, Dush’s work also extended to collaborating with and mentoring individual artists and companies.

Australian Music Week conference will be held on the 1st-3rd November 2017. Tickets are available from at australianmusicweek.com

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The Perfect Sunday Sesh? BridgeClimb

If you’re looking for the perfect spot for an epic Sunday this August, get yourself to the top of the Harbour Bridge. At one of their Sunset Sessions you’ll be serenaded by talented musician as the sun goes down over the horizon, the perfect way to end any weekend, whether with your gang of mates or a loved one.

BridgeClimb Sydney takes you to the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, a whopping 134 metres above the Harbour, where you’ll be surrounded by panoramic views of Sydney, impossible to see from anywhere else in the city.

Having climbed the 1332 steps with your group of fellow climbers, the BridgeClimb team will ensure you have a decent photo op so you can prove to any doubters that you have in fact conquered one of the world’s largest bridges.

After the adrenaline rush it’s time to sit back, relax and enjoy the music as the sun fades into the distance.

The cool mornings and evenings of an Aussie winter make for beautiful clear skies, perfect for watching the sun go down. Because the air is crisp and clear at this time of year, it enables more light to enter and travel through the atmosphere to create more vibrant shades of pink, purple and red to appear above us just before the sun dips below the horizon. Worried about getting chilly? Never fear – BridgeClimb will equip you in all the gear you need based on

the day’s weather conditions, including fleeces, beanies and gloves, so you can enjoy the evening in complete comfort.

This August, you’ll have the choice of three different musical acts depending on which date you choose for your Sunset Session: the Sydney Acoustic Duo will be playing on the 12th and 13th August, When Elishia Met Tommy on the 19th & 20th August and Taryn La Fauci on the 5th, 6th, 26th and 27th August.

BridgeClimb offers climbs at all times throughout the day.

Whether you’re an early riser wishing to see the city at dawn, or a night owl looking for the thrill of a climb in the dark, there’s a climb to suit every adrenaline seeker.

Book your climb now at www.bridgeclimb.com

MUSIC NEWS

Indie kids WAAX Announce Wave Of Live Shows Across Australia

Beyond The Valley Festival Returns for 2017

Beyond The Valley is shooting back into our lives with a whole new look and some confirmed dates for its 2017 return.

Currently tearing around the country on their (almost) sold out Wild & Weak tour, WAAX are upping the ante with even more live shows just announced.

Propelling themselves into the latter part of 2017, the band play Sounds of the Suburbs in Cronulla before heading out on a mammoth tour with Dune Rats, WAVVES (US) and Hockey Dad in September and October. In between this hefty schedule they’re also managing to fit in an extra show in Newcastle and a DJ set in Sydney while they’re on the road.

The reaction from fans and press to WAAX’s Wild & Weak EP has been immense, with multiple sold out Melbourne shows and a hometown show at Crowbar selling out three weeks before the start of the tour. The band’s latest single of the same name is enjoying a lengthy renaissance.

Peaking at number seven on the AIR radio charts it’s graced

the airwaves on every major community radio station in the country and is currently on triple j rotation.

Catch them on one of their tour dates below: Saturday 19th August: Shakafest @ Miami Tavern, Gold Coast Friday 1st September: NO-FI Fridays, Cambridge Hotel ($5 OTD) Saturday 2nd Sept: DJ SET, Frankies Pizza By The Slice, Sydney (Free entry!)

Sunday 3rd Sept: Sounds of the Suburbs, Space 44, Cronulla

After successfully trialling a four day format at last year’s event, the team are sticking with what works and holding the festival over the same period, kicking off on the 28th December and finishing up with a bang in the early hours of New Year’s Day - what better way is there to bring in the new year?

Along with the fresh artwork for this year’s event, the team have released a short movie showcasing the vibrant essence of the festival, which has grown impressively in stature over the past four years. The teaser clip highlights why the festival and its permanent home in Lardner Park, Warragul, has become a favourite destination for NYE revellers and a fixture on Australia’s festival calendar, so it’s worth checking out their YouTube channel if you need any more convincing...

Sunday 1st Oct: The Big Top, Sydney

With a bunch of major names already booked and secret exciting improvements happening to the festival site, this year’s Beyond The Valley celebration is looking like it will be the biggest one yet. Line-up will be announced soon, but you can subscribe to their newsletter on their website to find out more!

Friday 6th Oct: The Tivoli, Brisbane

For more information visit beyondthevalley.com.au

Wednesday 27th Sept: HQ Adelaide Friday 29th Sept: Forum Theatre, Melbourne

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Pete Tong Hits Australia With Jules Buckley And The Heritage Orchestra Legendary DJ and iconic voice of BBC Radio 1 Pete Tong has announced two arena-sized shows for his upcoming Australian tour, with one-off performances at Sydney’s Qudos Bank Arena and Melbourne’s Sidney Myer Music Bowl in November this year.

From London’s pirate station Radio Invicta to being the voice of Radio 1’s prestigious dance programming, Pete Tong has held a commanding presence over the industry

for more than two decades now. His unique position has earned him a reputation as the global ambassador of dance music, and with an unparalleled ear for new talent, Tong has become the leading tastemaker of the electronic generation. Following the release of the UK number one album ‘Classic House’, as well as a run of sold out shows in the UK, Pete Tong will now be hitting up Australia for the first time in 2017 - but with a twist.

He’ll also be joined by conductor Jules Buckley, one of Europe’s most in-demand conductors of contemporary orchestral projects, and the 65-piece Heritage Orchestra - a collective that have been messing with other people’s music since 2004. The renegade ensemble have collaborated with Aphex Twin, Tim Minchin, The National, Ben Folds and Anna Calvi, and regularly perform on the world’s most renowned stages, from the Sydney Opera House to the Royal Albert Hall. Their unique use of sound, visual

and electronics puts a spin on what you’d expect; an approach that has defined them one of the most progressive and vibrant large ensembles around.

Blending and re-working iconic anthems from the past 20 years of house and dance music with a full scale orchestra, ‘Pete Tong presents Ibiza Classics performed by The Heritage Orchestra conducted by Jules Buckley’ is another bold, brilliant move from one of the most influential figures in dance music. With modern, live reworkings of classic club anthems from Daft Punk, Fatboy Slim, Eric Prydz, Robert Miles and more, as well as a hand selected list of guests, Tong’s latest foray into arena shows promises to be a dance party like no other.

The concept for the new show, which came into fruition in 2015 with the launch of BBC Radio 1’s Ibiza Prom at the Royal Albert Hall, is a completely reworked performance for 2017. One part large-scale club show and one part stage performance, ‘Pete

Tong presents...’ is a fresh and welcome change for fans of both classic house and modern dance music.

With its infectious, energetic brand of club music reworked by artistic director Chris Wheeler and The Heritage Orchestra, and the acclaimed conductor Jules Buckley at the helm, Pete Tong’s most recent show has already managed to catapult into the eardrums of millions, with sold out shows all across the UK, including the legendary The O2 London.

The general sale of tickets kicked off on Friday 30th June - make sure you get yours ASAP to avoid disappointment.

‘Pete Tong presents…’ Tour Dates: Wednesday 1st November - Qudos Bank Arena, Sydney Friday 3rd November - Sidney Myer Music Bowl, Melbourne

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MELBOURNE LISTINGS

Melbourne’s Best Bars… With a Twist When it comes to bars, Melbourne has a lot to offer.

From dimly-lit underground lairs to beautiful rooftop terraces, the city offers nearly every backdrop for enjoying a bev or two. Sometimes, however, you want more than just your regular watering hole.

Introducing Melbourne’s new generation of bars.

From vintage arcade games and mini golf courses to fried chicken trucks and creative seasonal cocktails, Melbourne’s new drinking spots are raising the bar.

Here’s our pick of the best places for when you want something that little bit different.

PIXEL ALLEY The guys behind pixel alley have struck genius with this new venture – a barcade (yes that’s a bar combined with an arcade).

Boasting the likes of Donkey Kong, Street Fighter II, Pac-Man and Tapper, Pixel Alley is the place to come to unleash your inner child. They even have aptly named cocktails like the ‘Power up’ and ‘Marios Sunshine’, as well as Lego shot glasses, 8bit decorations and a pinball machine to make you truly feel like you’ve travelled back a decade.

95 Smith Street, Fitzroy Mr Wow’s Emporium

MR WOW’S EMPORIUM The clues in the name – this is less of a bar and more of an emporium of delights, where you’re sure to be wowed. The exposed brick setting may be modest and laidback, but the cocktails are killer.

Whether you’re after a popping candy topped cocktail or simply a beer, Mr Wow has it all, making it the perfect place for both date night and drinks with mates. To top it all off they’ve even a food truck selling Kenyan Fried Chicken in the courtyard on Monday nights.

LEONARD’S HOUSE OF LOVE If love is cheeseburgers and jugs of lager, then Leonard certainly has a house full of it. Head down to South Yarra for this woodcabin-come-houseparty, offering a vast array of tap beers, great cocktails and even a dance floor. If you’re feeling a bit peckish after a couple of drinks, Leonards has perfected its menu – think huge plates of nachos smothered in melted cheese, chicken wings dripping with hot sauce and hearty burgers to wrap your chops around.

3 Wilson St, South Yarra

97B Smith St, Fitzroy

HOLEY MOLEY GOLF CLUB

Pixel Alley

Bored of talking to your friends over a drink? Come and play mini golf instead!

(We’re only joking). In all seriousness, this recently opened bar is one cool spot, boasting 27 holes across two floors and featuring rooms themed around the likes of Game of Thrones and The Simpsons. The fun doesn’t end there – head to the bar for one of their pun-tastic cocktails (Teeyonce Knowles, anyone?)

590 Little Bourke St

Leonard’s House of Love

www.bbmlive.com 13

DISCOVERY MELBOURNE RECOMMENDS: MELBOURNE’S BEST WINTER MARKETS Wandering between stalls selling mouth-watering culinary creations and kooky arts and crafts to live performances and neon lights, markets truly are a treat for the senses. If you’re looking for a way to spend a leisurely Sunday you could do a lot worse than casually perusing the delights a market has to offer. Check out Discovery’s top recommendations for winter markets, so no matter your interests you’ll never find yourself at a loose end this August.

The Winter Night Market at Queen Vic Market The words ‘winter’ and ‘night’ may make you want to do nothing more than curl up on the sofa with a hot drink and a film – but resist the temptation! Wrap up warm and head to the Winter Night Market in one of Melbourne’s most significant historical landmarks for lighting installations, live music, hot cider and 30 food stalls every Wednesday from 5-10pm. What’s more, the market will also feature over 50 design stalls, exciting performances and a silent disco, making for a whole evening of entertainment.

Footscray Finds Specialising in everything vintage, second hand and homemade, this quaint flea market is the perfect place to find unique homeware and eclectic vintage fashion.

Scheduled for the third Sunday of each

WHAT’S ON AT

DISCOVERY TIGHT ASS TACOS

Tuesdays from 6pm get your free tacos until they are gone. Happy hour from 5pm in the Disco Bar.

FREE WINE & CHEESE

Meet fellow backpackers for some free wine and cheese at 7, 8 and 9pm in the Disco Bar and get acquainted with your new friends and surroundings each Wednesday.

LATE LATIN NIGHTS month, it houses numerous local producers and stalls covering everything from vintage books and rare vinyl to fresh vegan produce.

Batman Night Market With surprisingly little to do with Batman, this market is held on the 12th August and hosts a wide variety of food vendors, live performances and arts and crafts stalls. The food vendors change every time so you can sample everything from South American barbecue to Vietnamese salads – as they say, variety is the spice of life!

Madame Brussels Lane European Night Market Every Friday from 4th-25th August, Madame Brussels Lane will transform into a European winter hotspot reminiscent of the winter markets of Switzerland or Germany.

Tuck into delicious hot German sausages from Bavarian Bangers and melting fondue Cheese from Frencheese, finished off with a crepe from Les Crepes de Marion oozing with filling and you’ll forget you’re in Melbourne.

Melbourne Ceramics Market A slightly different theme to the others, but still a valid market in its own right, the upcoming Ceramics market is a must visit for all art lovers. Beginning on the 6th August, this new event aims to showcase emerging and established ceramic makers under one roof by providing 25 artists with a space to present and sell their work. Head down for some artistic inspiration, live music and a slice of cake.

Looking for cheap accommodation in Melbourne? Check out discoverymelbourne.com

Dance the evening away to samba, Latin funk and salsa with $3 Prosecco all night from 5pm on Thursdays.

FEEL GOOD THURSDAYS

Get your exercise on Thursdays with a free sports class including Yoga, Zumba, martial arts, bootcamps, dance and more. Sign up at reception.

SHOOTERS NIGHT

Love a game of pool, don’t miss Shooters Night in the Disco Bar with $5 shots on the hour at 8,9 and 10pm every Friday.

SEDUCTIVE SATURDAY

Party the night away every Saturday from 7pm and dress to impress.

Includes drinking and party games in the Disco Bar.

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INTERVIEW WITH GROOVE ARMADA AHEAD OF SW4 FESTIVAL

Making music that changed and influenced the sound of the last two decades, Groove Armada is still firmly on the musical map for 2017 as one of the biggest and best-selling dance acts around.

Andy Cato and Tom Findlay met back in the mid-90s and started their own club nights and sounds named Groove Armada, aptly after a 1970’s discotheque.

Groove Armada’s sound and lives in front of the decks may be continually evolving and changing, but the original twosome are loving being behind the decks more than ever, and have lots of exciting things on the horizon, including SW4 festival in London on the 26th and 27th August.

Hi guys! You’ve been around since the 90s

and keep getting stronger and stronger, so you must be doing something right!

What do you believe it is about your music that keeps everyone waiting for the next Groove Armada release?

That’s an interesting one. I think it is because we are genuinely passionate about what we do, and we still get so much joy from it and I hope that comes across in our approach to music. I think we were lucky in the moment when dance music in the 90s was getting some serious airplay. Iconic tracks back then got a lot of coverage and there was something about Superstylin’ that people absolutely got and it changed everything for us. I think I have only not played it once when DJing and everybody asked me why I hadn’t played it after, so I learned my lesson there!

Black Light was an epic album, and last time you caught up with BBM, you didn’t think you would produce another studio album, is this still the case?

Yes, this is still the case. We are still going to write more stuff but life has changed and getting together to do stuff in the studio is more complex. One, in terms of what we are doing in dance music and DJing, it makes more sense for us to write EPs and remix tracks. I live in England but Andy is in Toulouse. Andy is a full time farmer, so is busy looking after his cows, and making bread and so our lives have definitely changed over the last 20 years.

Maybe circumstances will change again in a couple of years - and hopefully we can get some live performances out there soon too.

You have collaborated with a huge range of talented artists over the years, but is there anyone out there you’re dying to work with that hasn’t happened yet?

There are so many people and artists who continue to blow me away and inspire me.

A couple of weeks ago, at Glastonbury, Sampha was amazing. His voice is incredible, I couldn’t even see him but I could hear him as I walked through the crowd and it was that kind of sound that gives you goosebumps.

You have SW4 coming up in August, which is on your home turf in London; do you have any surprises lined up?

We have some interesting things coming up DJing in autumn in London, which we are really looking forward to. Really looking forward to playing Downs festival in Bristol, which is run by the crew at Love Saves The Day; also Arcadia at Glastonbury was amazing too. We are really looking forward to playing SW4; it gets pumping so early in the day and always a top crowd. The line up is so strong, including some unlikely names.

Maya-Jane Coles b2b with Heidi. Both are always such a courageous DJs, so I am super keen for that.

A huge part of your musical roots come from the UK raves of the 90s, which many would argue to be one of the best eras of partying. If you could bring any part of these raves into today’s music and party culture, what would it be?

That would have to be the lack of smart phones. It all gets a bit mad, people need to experience and enjoy the party rather than trying to film and record the moment. Oh, and also that I was a lot younger back then!

Does this time in your life continue to influence your music as much as it did earlier in your career?

Definitely, just in a different way. Back in the early days, I loved DJing and the

scene but I didn’t take it too seriously and I mainly enjoyed myself afterwards!

Now I look at DJing, with a much more professional outlook, I take a lot more pleasure from it and enjoy the process, without sounding too dull.

There are so many talented house and techno artists emerging from all over at the moment, are there any in particular you have been listening to?

I would definitely recommend Chris Carrier. He was more like a disco head, but recently he has been doing some Hot Creations remixes. He isn’t unheard of, but worth checking out for sure.

Which city in the world would you say is setting trends right now?

Bristol is always so exciting, and has such a lot going for it. Manchester has a great scene too. The Warehouse Project just works so perfectly for that city.

Totally agree with you Tom, I do love the big parties, although I have had the best parties recently at the smaller events. We also have a small floating festival going on at the end of this summer called Sail Beats, which I think will be an incredible smaller, floating festival around Greece…

That sounds amazing. I also think the smaller festivals have a great vibe, such as Love Saves the Day. A disco set from Cirque Du Soul I heard the other day sounded wicked too.

Thanks so much Tom, have a great time playing at SW4!

Groove Armada will play South West Four festival, which takes place on 26th and 27th August at London’s Clapham Common. For more info and tickets please visit www.southwestfour.com

INTERVIEW WITH SONUS FESTIVAL FOUNDER ROBIN EBINGER Sonus Festival graces the golden shores of Croatia for the fifth time this August. With revellers able to party on the world famous Zrce Beach, dance the night away at the open-air Kalypso club, or party at Papaya overlooking the clear Adriatic Sea and Velebit Mountain, it’s unarguably one of the best celebrations of dance music around. But who’s the man behind it all? We caught up with festival founder and marketing director Robin Ebinger to get the lowdown on Croatia’s hottest party.

Hi Robin! You have some amazing events all over Europe, what’s particularly special about Sonus?

Each of our events has a special appeal of its own. Sonus is a destination festival, thus it combines summer holidays with a music festival. The Sonus experience is unique and is based around these key aspects: parties from dusk till dawn, so 5 days and nights in 3 clubs, an extensive line up with over 70 artists, intimate boat parties, lots of activities around the festival and a breathtaking natural environment.

How does it feel to be in its 5th year now?

It’s really rewarding if you put so much sweat, tears, effort and passion into a festival and people appreciate it. Time goes so fast… I can still remember the first edition like it was yesterday.

What was the main ethos of the festival when you first created it?

Our main ethos for Sonus is summed up by the phrase ‘Sound is everything’. Apart from that, we really wanted to produce a show on the sea, so we started to look into first options in Croatia in 2009. It was then only in the beginning of 2013 when our friend and partner Dalibor Zjačić from the We Love Sound Crew approached us with the preliminary considerations on Sonus and the venue on Pag Island. We were right away fascinated by the the idea of producing a festival on the island in open

air clubs next to the sea. The first edition took place in 2013 and was so successful that in the second year, it was a sell out event. The idea was to take the sound quality, and amazing line-ups which we do with our other events to a new location, with a different vibe - sun, sea, and beautiful settings!

What makes Sonus stand out from other festivals in Croatia?

Our musical proposition… If you are into the sound and artists that we present, there is no other event like us in Croatia.

The scene, artist hang around… But also that we integrate the locals: we have lots of local talent from Ex-Yu regions. Lots of artist stay longer or arrive some days before their gig to hang around on the island and festival with their friends or their colleagues. The visitors can really feel that Sonus has become a meeting point for the international scene.

What kind of crowd does Sonus attract as opposed to some of your other festivals such as Love Family Park and Stadt Land Bass (City Country Bass) in Germany?

The audience that comes to Sonus is completely international. There are visitors from more than 50 countries, lots of people from all over the world travel to Sonus. Some of them straight to us, others combine it with a summer trip to Europe.

We have visitors from Japan, Australia,

Canada, Brazil, Italy, France and many more countries.

Obviously Sonus gives festival-goers the chance to explore the island, where’s a real highlight for dinner?

The island offers so many different aspects.

To give our fans a better overview we created the Explore section on our website and the explore video series. Here you will find all the information about restaurant, hidden beaches, accommodation, travel around the island, sights and much more.

What’s a local delicacy visitors should try?

The island is famous for the Pag cheese.

That’s a hard cheese made from the milk of the local sheep. Some say it’s the best cheese in Croatia. It is served as a starter or used as ingredient for diverse dishes such as risotto. Another traditional speciality is the Pag lamb.

What’s a must do activity whilst visiting the Island?

Plan some time apart the festival to explore the nature of the island. There are so many nice, lonely beaches with crystal clear water. The Adriatic shore is the backdrop for a dramatic moon-like scenery of bizarre natural rock formations, waiting for you to explore them.

What are you most looking forward to at this year’s festival?

I’m looking forward to seeing our Croatian

team again, our fans and the artists. And of course those special moments when the sun rises over the Adriatic sea. It brings across a nice twilight atmosphere: the shores and the mountain scenery become visible in the distance again, the sun is the reflected very magically on the limestone mountains.

Anything special to tell us about the lineup this year?

I believe we’re presenting the best Sonus line-up ever this year! We just released the last addition to the line up with Carl Cox’s debut performance at Sonus. On Tuesday 22nd of August we are celebrating 5 Years of Sonus with a serious party marathon.

Secret Society aka s.C.s presents a 10 hour non-stop session - with Seth Troxler b2b The Martinez Brothers and Magda!

Any special surprises in store for the 5 year anniversary?

There are always special things happening even without us planning them… There are also two after-parties, one of which is happening on the sixth day. It’s open ended and this is where legends unfold…

Where’s the best part of the festival - the boat parties, Zrce Beach parties or the open air club spaces?

I believe the magic is the combination of all the different aspects. If I have to choose, it’s definitely the open air clubs: you can dance under the sun, the moon and the stars.

www.bbmlive.com 15

FIVE ACTS YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS AT STRAWBERRY FIELDS FESTIVAL

Strawberry Fields is coming… The annual celebration of art, sound and creative expression is taking over the Wildlands, the iconic paradise along the banks of the Murray River, for three days this November. Each year, the Fields offer up a diverse selection of both renowned and breakthrough electronic music from both Australia and beyond.

Indulge yourself in the sensory feast, including soul shaking sound, world class decor, dozens of eclectic market stalls, artistic installations, live performance art, workshops, forum discussion and more. If you want to hear some solid grooves on top of all this, here’s five acts you don’t want to miss:

Peggy Gou Born and raised in South Korea, but now residing in Berlin, Peggy Gou is widely regarded as one of electronic music’s most

exciting new talents. Known for her ties with Matt Edwards aka Radio Slave’s Rekids imprint where she released ‘The Art of War Part 1’, she has received enthusiastic support from international media including The Guardian, Resident Advisor, Mixmag, FACT, i-D, Thump and Dummy.

After taking the plunge in 2016 to become a full time DJ and producer, 2017 has seen her justify the move with a string of remixes for high profile acts like The Martinez Brothers. She was also drafted by BBC Radio 1 for a month-long residency, and completed her first North American tour where she played her first ever Boiler Room show in New York. With her debut Australian tour looming this November, the future is looking very bright for Peggy Gou; definitely one to watch.

Mr Scruff As a DJ, Andy Carthy aka Mr. Scruff plays across the board, flitting between soul, funk, hip hop, jazz, reggae, Latin, African, ska, disco, house, funk, breaks, soundtracks and loads more, so there’s a little something for everyone at one of his live shows. As a producer he makes music that draws on these influences, with a large dose of cheek and good humour. A man of many talents, his cartoon drawings illustrate gig flyers, record sleeves and CD covers, and usually accompany him at gigs as live animated visuals - something that’s got to be seen.

Andrew Weatherall Andrew Weatherall has paved the way with a well-respected career in British techno. As a producer mixing the sounds of Madchester to downbeat to experimental techno through the ‘90s, Weatherall could’ve easily ridden the big beat like the Chemical Brothers or become a high-

profile-DJ at the end of the decade, but instead chose to pursue - and in many ways define - a more cutting-edge, IDM approach.

In his past, Weatherall remixed New Order’s “Worlds in Motion” and, along with Paul Oakenfold, the Happy Mondays’ “Hallelujah.” Because of the success of this, Primal Scream then sought out Weatherall for what would become the Top 20 single “Loaded” and production on the ground breaking Screamadelica. The overwhelming success of his past projects has cemented Weatherall as one of the world’s most dedicated, top DJs, so find him in the Fields for a taste of his genre-bending tunes.

Fatima Few vocalists can claim to have worked with such a diverse array of musicians. A true testament of Fatima’s capabilities, talent and versatilely, Fatima’s list of collaborators spans the likes of Floatings Points, Shafiq Husayn (Sa-Ra), Dam Funk, Scratcha DVA, Dorian Concept, Funkineven, Ras G, VeebeO and Teebs to name but a few.

Fatima’s musical approach is also deeply tied to her own diverse roots; growing up in Sweden as the child of a Senagelese/ Gambian mom who owned a boutique that traded in African wares, Fatima was exposed to the rich vibrations of West African music from an early age, sparking an interest in the many musical styles that African rhythms have incited. Now she’s managed to bring all those raw styles together, and is traveling from her current home in East London to play a rare show down under, so don’t miss out.

CC:Disco!

Specialising in disco, house and boogie cuts, CC comes armed with a joyous

feedback loop that is sure to infect the dance floor. A mainstay of the Melbourne club scene, CC began connecting with audiences through FM radio. Having presented shows since the age of 15, her weekly slot on local institution PBS FM ‘Smoke and Mirrors’ is now celebrated as the essential start to every Friday night.

All this air time also primed her to knock out guest spots on NTS, Red Light Radio, Worldwide and Dublab.

In recent years, CC’s devotion has seen her graduate to touring DJ and main stage festival act. She’s lapped Australia three times in 12 months and ticked a large chunk of her bucket list - opening for Theo Parrish in Auckland, sound tracking the romantic Adriatic Sea at Dimensions and Soundwaves, Boiler Room and Meredith’s coveted Supernatural Amphitheatre. She’s also already made her mark at Strawberry Fields before; last year she featured between Move D and Moodymann and kept crowds dancing even through the pouring rain – we wonder what’s on her agenda for this year?

To buy your tickets and for more info, head to strawberry-fields.com.au

Full Lineup ’20 Years Of Rush Hour’ Ft. Antal, Hunee & Soichi Terada, Andrew Weatherall, Archie Hamilton, Aurora Halal, CC:DISCO!, DJ Bone, Fatima & Alexander Nut, Frankey & Sandrino, Francis Inferno Orchestra, Harvey Sutherland & Bermuda, Jnett, K+Lab, Lovebirds, Mall Grab, Monkey Safari, Monolink, Mr Scruff, Nicola Cruz, Optimo, Oxia, Peggy Gou, Sampa The Great, Sebastian Mullaert, The Teskey Brothers, Total Giovanni, Yo! Mafia, Yothu Yindi & The Treaty Project, Vaal + more TBA

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EXPAT SERVICES How To Maximise Your Australian Tax Refund Been working in Australia and need to claim your tax back? Here we give you a few tips on how to maximise your Australian tax refund.

Considering that tax is one of the two things that are certain in life, you should find ways to claim back as much of it as you can. Yes, despite the many changes in the Australian taxation system, there are sure-fire ways to maximise your tax refund.

Get your TFN Your tax file number (TFN) will help ensure that your employer will deduct the correct taxes from your income. You’re also going to need it when you apply for your tax refund. So make sure that you get one when you start working in Australia.

Are you making the move Down Under? Emigrating is an exciting chapter in anyone’s life but before you start unravelling the bubble-wrap and assembling the packing boxes, stop for a moment and think about all the items you’re planning to take with you halfway across the world. Do you really need it all? Remember the more you take, the more you pay. So here are a few tips about decluttering before you begin your new life in Oz. •

•

•

•

irst of all, you may want to F think twice about packing woolly winter clothes and looking at other options such as storage or selling – particularly if moving to a state with a generally warmer climate.

If you have expansive, alphabetised CD and DVD collections, we advise not to take it all with you.

These collections are heavy, expensive to ship and, let’s be honest, largely redundant in this age of streaming and downloading! Why not try selling them to your nearest music store for some extra cash.

Don’t waste money shipping your old furniture like armchairs, sofas, chests of drawers and wardrobes overseas. Treat yourself to new items when you arrive at your new destination!

Naturally if you choose to sell your old furniture, you’ll be providing yourself with a financial platform for buying replacements.

If you’re moving electrical items like flat screen televisions, you may also want to consider the electrical power differences. There’s no point shipping such a large electrical item abroad if it’s not going to function correctly! Also, if you choose to adapt your television for

your new country, you could invalidate the warranty.

Now we know what you're thinking: If I sell a lot of household items before I move, I'm going to need to do a fair bit of shopping when I get to my new home. This is true. So here are a few reputed retail names in Australia you may want to make a note of: • • • • • •

J B Hi-Fi - Australia's largest home entertainment retailer Harvey Norman - For living and dining IKEA - Our friends in Sweden who need no introduction The Good Guys - Online electrical and home appliances Super Amart Furniture Furniture, bedding and outdoor Freedom - Furniture and Homewares

Now you’ve got all you need to successfully declutter and begin your new life in Oz! Talk to Seven Seas Worldwide to find out their options for reliable and affordable shipping options at www.sevenseasworldwide.com.au

SPECIAL AUSTRALIA SHIPPING OFFER Get 5% off your whole shipment when you quote BBM

Know if the tax-free threshold applies to you If your yearly income is up to $18,200, you don’t need to pay tax as it is still within the tax-free threshold. You only start paying taxes if your income is over the said amount. This rule, however, only applies to Australian residents. If you stay over 130 days in the country, you become a resident for tax purposes, making you eligible for the tax-free threshold.

If you are a non-resident for tax purposes, however, you need to pay 32.5c on every dollar from the first one you earned.

• You paid for the equipment or tools yourself, without reimbursement • You bought it for your job • You have a recorder or proof of your purchase Make sure to keep all receipts for work-related expenses, so you can claim back tax where possible since there are some exceptions.

Claim back from Medicare Levy The Medicare Levy is an Australian healthcare scheme that may be available for certain nationalities that qualify, such as Britons and Italians. You’re exempted from paying the levy if you failed to meet the scheme’s eligibility requirements. However, it has been known to happen that the levy is deducted from the wages, whether it is applicable or not. If this happens to you, you can apply for a refund.

Start by applying for an exemption certificate, which is applicable if you earn more than $20,542 in the financial year. Along with your tax return application, you also need to submit a separate Medicare Entitlement Statement.

You can also get a tax refund from your superannuation if you leave Australia, so you should look into it as well. And make sure to file your tax return on time to avoid penalties. The amount you pay could have been added to your claim back tax.

Need help with your tax refund? Get in touch at www.backpackertaxrefunds.com.au

Working holidaymakers, on the other hand, can take advantage of the so-called Backpacker tax where they only need to pay 15c on every dollar from the first one they earned.

Claim on work-related expenses To reduce your tax liability, see if there are workrelated expenses that you can claim back tax from, such as RCG, RSA, and white cards that you paid for

TAX WISE Tel : 08 9248 8124 Fax : 08 9463 6208 mairead@taxwiseaustralia.com.au PO Box 1874, Malaga 6944 www.taxwiseaustralia.com.au www.taxwise-australia.com

EXPRESS TAX Level 6, 155 Castlereagh St Sydney, NSW, 2000 1800 739 739 +61 (0) 2 9267 3200 www.expresstaxback.com.au

GREEN MIGRATION

RegisteredMigrationAgent–1464351 Little City Studio 118ProspectRoad,PROSPECTSA5082 +61 8 417 837 973 zoe@greenmigration.com.au www.greenmigration.com.au

OPTIMA MIGRATION

RegisteredMigrationAgent-0532045 SubiacoBusinessCentre/Suite5,531HaySt Subiaco WA 6008 + 61 8 93808397 |M: 0409130865 lidia@optimamigration.com.au www.optimamigration.com.au

IMMIGRATION HELP CORPORATE OFFICE (AUSTRALIA)

181 Marion Road Richmond, Adelaide, SA 5033, Australia Phone:+61881236039|Fax:+61872007536 Mobile No: + 61 0433303774 Email:contact@myimmigrationhelp.com www.myimmigrationhelp.com

TAXBACK.CO.UK Claimbackyouruktaxrefund info@taxback.co.uk www.taxback.co.uk BACKPACKER TAX REFUNDS First Floor, 1A Morts Road Mortdale NSW 2223 +61 (0) 2 8065 5668 info@backpackertaxrefunds.com.au www.backpackertaxrefunds.com.au

MOVE MIGRATION PTY LTD

Registered Migration Agent MARN: 1382250 104/3EdenStreetNorthSydneyNSW2060 Email:Eugene.Liu@movemigration.com.au Web: movemigration.com.au

CONTACT marketing@ what-media.com to advertise your services.

Shipping article by Michael Spicer at Seven Seas Worldwide

HOW TO DECLUTTER WHEN MOVING ABROAD

If you are self-employed, you need an Australian Business Number (ABN) instead. Since tax is not taken at source, similar to that of an employee, you need to retain a portion of your income to meet the liability that will arise at the end of the tax year.

yourself. Most items you use for work and paid out of pocket may be eligible for a tax claim, provided that they meet certain criteria:

www.bbmlive.com 17

18

INTERVIEW TIPS

Photo by William Iven on Unsplash

Tailoring Your CV to The Role

Writing a CV can be difficult – writing succinctly and concisely, as well as trying to portray what you’re like as a person on one page, is a tough job. This is especially true if you are a working holiday maker and haven’t got experience in the roles you’re currently looking for down under. One of the biggest mistakes applicants make is not tailoring their CV to highlight the key areas which suit for the role for which they are applying. So, how do you write the perfect CV for the role?

1. Keep it relevant

4. Layout

In your previous roles, make sure you list any responsibilities/ duties that will be required of you in the new role. If you’ve had experience in areas other than required by the job vacancy for which you are applying, don’t over emphasise it. Add extra detail to your relevant work experience.

If you’re applying for a graphic design role, it’s probably wise to impress your potential new employers with your graphic design skills, so dress up your resume a little bit. However, if you’re applying for a role which doesn’t require you to be a graphics guru, just keep the layout simple, neat and presentable. It’s important to note that your resume isn’t going to get you the job, but there is a

2. Match the job description When writing your resume, make sure you read the job description of the position, carefully. Do your skills or experience match with the requirements of the role?

What is required? If so, great!

Make sure you detail that in your resume.

3. Use the correct language

higher likelihood of you securing that valuable interview if your resume is relevant, well written and specifically tailored to the job.

Use the appropriate language for the industry in which the role is related. If applicable, use some technical terms relevant to the industry – but don’t overdo it.

Need help finding a job down under? Visit people2people.com.au

CARPENTERS. ELECTRICIANS. CHEFS RECRUITERS. NURSES. SKILLED JOBS. BBMLIVE.COM/JOBS Our clients are seeking professionals from overseas to fill a range of jobs across Australia. If you’re serious about staying in Australia and are seeking permanent employment or looking at skilled visas options, we want to hear from you.

If you’re coming to the end of your first or second year working holiday visa, or if you’re already in employment and are looking for a new sponsor please get in touch with our team asap. Our clients are looking for top talent and willing to sponsor for the right candidates.

Call 02 8005 8162 or email your CV to jobs@bbmlive.com

www.bbmlive.com 19

WWW.BBMLIVE.COM/JOBS

How to Become a Chef in Australia Always dreamt of being a chef? Getting there can be tiresome and difficult but choosing to do it in Oz makes it all that more rewarding, particularly as the current boom in the food industry and a shortage of qualified chefs has given way to numerous job opportunities. Excellent rates of pay, a great work life balance and incredible cities make Australia one of the best places in a world to become a chef. Not sure what to do to get started?

Check out our ultimate guide to acquiring your dream role.

Get Experience Perhaps more so with being a chef than with any other job, gaining experience is vital.

As soon as you possibly can start working in a restaurant, whether washing dishes or waiting – any role will help give you a feel for what working in this environment involves. Even the most basic role will help teach you about how a kitchen operates and develop your skills, and you may have the chance to progress to a more senior role.

Apply for an Apprenticeship With TAFE Although technically there are no qualification requirements to be a chef, it’s common for trades-based professionals to complete an apprenticeship at the end of their training. This could either be to become a chef, a pastry chef or a baker.

Generally, there are no specific requirements for obtaining a TAFE qualification, however this may vary between state. An alternative to a TAFE qualification is to attend a cookery school, which similarly combines practical industry placement with classwork to provide you with all the required skills.

TSS MIGRATION / TSS RECRUITMENT LEVEL 3, 7 HOWARD ST, RICHMOND,VICTORIA / +6103 9421 1020 WWW.TSSMIGRATION.COM.AU/WWW.TSSRECRUITMENT.COM.AU Work as an Apprentice

find a job as a chef. Write a CV and covering

It generally takes 3 years to qualify as a chef, so apprentices tend to spend most of their time gaining experience in a kitchen. You may stay in the same kitchen throughout the three years, or move around to gain experience of other cuisines or cooking styles. In this role you will assist with menu planning, ordering stock, preparing, cooking and plating food and cleaning, and you will be paid an apprentices wage.

letter to highlight all your experience gained and skills you have to offer; at this point, visiting a recruitment agent can help as they can assist you in finding your perfect role.

For more information and assistant finding the right role for you visit

Find a Job Having qualified as an apprentice, it’s time to

tssrecruitment.com.au

RECRUITMENT TIPS The Top 5 Questions to Ask When Starting Work at A Primary School So, you’ve taken the leap and decided to teach down under…

Great choice! The amazing weather, people and lifestyle makes Oz a highly attractive relocation destination. However, going into a new school in another country can be daunting, regardless of whether you’re an experienced teacher with several years under their belt or just starting out. Luckily, we’ve compiled a list of the top 5 questions to ask when you enter a new school, ensuring you you feel less out of your comfort zone and more able to do your job with ease.

What is the behavioural system?

This will differ between schools, but is important to know so you are aware of how to respond if a student misbehaves. Whilst some schools favour a traffic lights system, which aims to reinforce positive ‘green light’ behaviour, others may use ‘bronze, silver and gold’ rankings – learn which one your school uses to help maintain good behaviour in the classroom.

What is the marking policy?

Like the behavioural system, this will vary between schools. Some will use colour coding, some stickers, and some may require you to outline the positives and potential areas for improvement for a piece of work.

Find out how this system works early on so you can master giving helpful feedback. Also find out how the school likes to track students progress, and whether this will be part of your role or another member of staff.

What are the daytime routines?

Ask when break and lunchtime are so you’re not left with an empty classroom halfway through a lesson. Also check the end of school routines, as this is important for safety – do the children stay in the classroom to be

picked up, or should you take them to the playground?

What is the assessment structure for teachers?

Ofsted doesn’t operate in Australia, nor is there an equivalent, but there are still procedures in place to ensure teachers are doing their jobs. There are non-government bodies, some of which are non-profit, which assess the quality of schools based on different factors.

Are there afterschool clubs and groups for teachers to run?

Extra-curricular activities are a great way to get involved in school life, particularly when first starting out and wanting to make a good impression. If you have any particular skills, ask if you can offer your services to teach or help out in an after-school club – you may see the rewards in the classroom too.

Need advice or help finding a teaching job in Australia? Check out www.smartteachers.co.uk for helpful information and loads of excellent opportunities

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Live the Dream Nursing and Travelling Down Under Ever wondered what it’d be like to relocate down under and travel around the country working as a nurse? We had a chat with Rachel Sullivan and Samuel Martin AKA Go Anywhere Nursing to get the inside scoop on working and playing in the Aussie sun.

doing agency nursing.

Hi Guys. Where are you currently based?

Sam – The most unusual two places I have worked so far are Nimbin and a maximum security prison. Nimbin has a very diverse patient population – with events like their annual MardiGrass we had patients presenting with drug overdose and being a rural country town we would have large walk in traumas.

Sam – I completed a Bachelor of Nursing in 2011 at Southern Cross University in Lismore, NSW and got registered with AHPRA from there.

Where’s been the most unusual place nursing has taken you in Australia so far?

Rachel – I’ve nursed in most major cities like Brisbane, Sydney and Perth and smaller places like Hervey Bay and Sunshine Coast but I’m interested to go work in some more remote and rural areas. I’ve worked in lots of different specialities like medical, surgical, day surgery, recovery, ICU, and even some psych wards.

Rachel – I’m in the Sunshine Coast doing day to day agency nursing.

Sam – I’m doing a contract working at a correctional facility in Queensland.

What nursing qualifications do you hold that have enabled you to nurse in Australia?

What made you want to take your nursing skills on the road with you?

Rachel – I went to university in Canada at The University of Ottawa and completed my Bachelor of Science in Nursing. I worked in Canada for a year and a half before I came over to Australia since all of the agencies that I have come across require a minimum of 12 months nursing experience before

Rachel – Part of what made me want to go into nursing was the dream of doing search and rescue nursing and volunteering abroad. Travel nursing seemed to me like a great start to that career path. I also enjoy travelling and didn’t want to just work in

one place and only get to take trips on my days off, but to use my nursing skills to allow me to live anywhere I wanted.

Where would you say are top 5 bucket list places to visit in Australia?

After seeing the main attractions we’d say: Ningaloo Reef, WA Uluru, NT Tasmania Daintree Forest, QLD Darwin, NT What’s the best thing about nursing in an Australian hospital?

The culture in an Australian hospital is very laid back. That’s not to say anything about the quality of the patient care. But the best thing about working in an Australian hospital is the friendly atmosphere that makes going to work more enjoyable.

How do you source your nursing jobs whilst travelling?

These days we stick to agencies. We get contracts or day to day agency work if there’s no contracts at the time. We have a few different agencies that we work with.

You can check our blog for a list of these agencies and why we work for them.

How long do you work vs travelling?

We class travel nursing as basically a big holiday. While we are working full time we

also spend our free time exploring the area we are living in. We tend to smash out this full time work for 3-6 months and then reap the benefits and take a big trip. However the last two years we’ve both probably averaged working 6 months of each year and spending the rest of the year travelling overseas.

Where’s next on your travel list?

As far as work related travel goes we’re both interested in heading over to Western Australia to do some contracts and get to explore the vast untouched coastline.

We are also very interested in trying come nursing on the pacific and Torres Strait islands along the Australian coast populated by indigenous communities. When it comes to travel for pleasure, we are planning a trip to Canada for the holidays and have some trips that are still on the drawing board like Asia and South America.

Thanks for chatting with us!

For more information check out the Go Anywhere Nursing blog at goanywheretravelnursing.com Thinking of relocating to become a nurse down under? For jobs and more information check out australiannursingagency.com

www.bowerhealthcare.com.au info@bowerhealthcare.com.au Nursing Under-Grads (Assistants in Nursing)

Registered Nurse Dementia Specific Care Home (North Sydney)

Bower Healthcare is selectively seeking experienced nursing students (year 2 +) for work as Assistants in Nursing in acute general and specialty areas in hospitals around Sydney’ north. As a preferred supplier to NSW Health Local Health Districts, we are recruiting in preparation for an expected upturn in requests.

Set in its own grounds in a leafy northern Sydney suburb, this brand new unit opens next month and Bower Healthcare has been provided the opportunity to assist with staffing shortfalls. The 57 bed residence provides care for residents with low to high range dementia, living in shared units serviced by a regular team of support staff.

Essential Requirements: Must have a current work visa, or work rights in Australia, 100% compliance with the NSW Health Department’s immunisation policy, Must be nursing undergraduates, 2nd year onwards (no Cert III applicants will be considered), NSW Working with Children Check (paid employee version) and National Police Check.

Need to live within easy travelling distance of the hospitals (to fulfil last minute booking requests).

Got a question?

The Registered Nurse oversees the support and care provided to residents, assisting with clinical needs where needed but mainly coaching and encouraging the staff to utilise their skills to the best of their abilities.

The Unit manager is on site during office hours between Monday to Friday.

Shifts range across mornings, PM’s and night duties. Because of the specialist nature of the work and the autonomy afforded to the RN in charge, only those that have regular availability and can attend an on-site induction can be considered.

Hospital Orderlies Salary: $24 to $40 Hourly Rate We are seeking a number of experienced staff to work as orderlies in various general (surgical, medical, aged care) and specialty (mental health, OT, ED, ICU, etc) areas in public hospitals in Sydney’s east and southwest. We can offer an immediate start with shifts booked 2-3 weeks in advance, as well as on an ad hoc basis.

Essential Requirements: Regular, on-going work for reliable performers Many shifts available, including weekends Advanced roster, in addition to day-to-day bookings Essential requirements: Must have current work rights in Australia Preference given to those with full-time equivalent availability 100% compliance with the NSW Health Department’s immunisation policy Must posses more than 6 months relevant experience from here or overseas (as an orderly, AIN or PCA) Recent, professional local references Current criminal record and working with children checks Please note that if you do not satisfy all of the above requirements but still apply, you will not receive a return response.

Do you qualify for our Australian Working Holiday Visa Package?

To qualify for a Bower Healthcare working holiday package you must either be eligible for an Australian Working Holiday Visa and meet the following employment requirements: • You must qualify for an Australian Working Holiday Visa or other relevant work visa for Australia.

• You must either be a registered nurse and possess a minimum 12 months postgraduate clinical experience • Or be an experienced healthcare worker, eligible for work as an Assistant in Nursing or Community Support Worker Registered Nurses must possess provisional approval for registration with AHPRA • Click here for full details on our candidate requirements and working for us Our Working Holiday Packages combine everything you need to get started in Australia including accommodation and your all-important Tax File Number as well as some great tours to get you in the mood for your working holiday in Australia.

www.bowerhealthcare.com.au

www.bbmlive.com 21

22

LET’S GET SOCIAL

Let’s Get Social - ‘Poms in Perth’ Recommend…

Last month we brought you ‘Poms In Sydney’ and this month we’re heading over to the West Coast with our friends at ‘Poms in Perth’. Becoming an expat and moving to a new country on the other side of the World can be a daunting prospect, but now you can connect with likeminded people who have all done it before and who like to help each other out on community driven Facebook pages.

This month, Poms In Perth Recommend the best:

Restaurants The helpful Poms of Perth have recommended over 170 spots to eat on the Facebook page; here’s some of our top picks, ranging from cheap eats to more upmarket spots.

Leapfrogs - recommended as a great place for a relaxing brunch, this cosy café in Wanneroo is known for its wood fired pizzas (including dessert pizzas). It even has a mini golf course on site! 25 Drovers Place, Western Australia The Boatshed – one of the most respected restaurants in Perth, The Boatshed is renowned for it’s spectacular 180-degree views of the Swan River, Perth City and Kings Park and excellent modern Australian cooking. Coode St Jetty, South Perth, Western Australia

Catalano’s Café – craving Italian? Dip into this family run restaurant for authentic homecooked dishes. Albany Hwy, Victoria Park, Western Australia

Outdoors Spots Looking for Perth’s best national parks and beaches? Look no further than ‘Poms…’ to suggest some must-see sights.

Quinns Beach – recommended by not just one but three Poms, this beach spans the entire Quinns rock suburb and is great for dog walking, barbequing or simply relaxing.

Pinnacles National Park – Scattered through the desert in their thousands, some metres high, this collection of rock formations is one of WA’s most famous landmarks and a must do for any newbie, as recommended by the Poms of Perth.

Penguin Island – 45 minutes south of Perth

and home to a colony of around 1200 little penguins, a trip to this island is sure to melt your heart.

Local Services From plumbers to visa experts, ‘Poms in Perth’ has every kind of service covered in their recommendations sections. Looking for something in particular? Why not check out the Facebook page for yourself…

Taz’s handyman services – recommended by 5 people, Taz seems to be the man to go to to solve any problem! Offering everything from re upholstery to window repairs, this service has over forty 5 star reviews.

K9 Divine – Need your pooch pampering?

K9 offers a whole range of pet grooming

services using quality products suited to each dog.

360 Pest & Weed Management – no one wants to have to think about pests and weeds, especially if you’ve just moved into a new place. Poms recommend 360 for getting rid of all unwanted pests.

If you’re one of the thousands of Poms in Perth, why not check out the Facebook page for yourself. Visit www.facebook.com/groups/2344512548

Social Media Post of The Month Send us your top recommendations for expat and working holiday friendly social media groups and websites.

Email us at staffwriter@what-media.com or post to our pages @bbmmagazine @movingdownunder.services

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CAST AWAY TO FRASER ISLAND

The world’s largest sand island, Fraser Island offers adrenaline, excitement, relaxation and exploration across its 1,840 km² mass.

Boasting many things to see and do, when it comes to relaxation, you’ll be able to sooth your bones in the Champagne Pools as well as take a dip in the crystal clear lakes including Lake McKenzie and Lake Wabby.

so keep your eyes peeled when you look at to the sea as you may see a passing Humpback Whale. On land you’ll see dingos aplenty, but as cute as these wild dogs are, be sure not to feed them.

On the flip side of the coin, you’ll find action packed adventures as you 4WD along 75 Mile Beach and into the rainforests, taking a hike through the dense and tangled jungle of this tropical island.

A trip to Fraser Island also gives you the chance to experience some real Aboriginal culture. Here you can collect and taste Wongs – an Aboriginal delicacy, as well as learn how to catch worms for fishing bait before indulging in two true Aussie pastimes – throwing a boomerang and playing the didgeridoo. By night you can camp under the starry night sky, far away

When it comes to watery adventures, Fraser Island borders Hervey Bay – one of the premier whale watching spots in the world,

Get the Best Views in Queensland Looking for something to do in Cairns this August?

Go above and beyond the tropical rainforest of Barron Gorge National Park on Skyrail Rainforest Cableway to get the best views in Queensland.

Located in Cairns, North Queensland, Skyrail Rainforest Cableway provides one of the greatest journeys in Australia. A unique experience, travel 7.5km in a gondola just metres above the canopy for spectacular views as far as the Coral Sea and Cairns Highlands. Not only do you glide over rivers and rainforest, you also make two stops at mid-stations to stretch your legs and explore.

A Skyrail Ranger meets you at Red Peak Station for a guided boardwalk tour of the ancient tropical rainforest, where they share their knowledge of the giant buttress roots, towering Kauri Pines, climbing wait-awhile palms and other flora and fauna that surround you in this fascinating eco-system.

After your tour, make sure you take the time to absorb the beauty and atmosphere of

the rainforest before re-boarding Skyrail Rainforest Cableway to Barron Falls Station.

A Djabugay Aboriginal Guided Tour takes place at Barron Falls Station. Departing from the Rainforest Interpretation Centre that was created by Skyrail alongside CSIRO (Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation), you are invited to learn about the Aboriginal history, language, culture, stories and traditions of the indigenous rainforest people in a small group tour on a natural rainforest trail.

From Barron Falls Station, there are also walkways to three separate lookouts for further breath-taking views of Barron Gorge and Falls.

Skyrail Rainforest Cableway is located just 15 minutes from Cairns city centre and 50 minutes from Port Douglas, and is open every day except Christmas Day. It is award winning for its excellence in sustainable tourism, and accessible for all ages and abilities, making it the best and most beautiful rainforest experience in the world.

For tour packages and prices, visit skyrail.com.au

from the towns you’ll see more stars than you ever imagined were up there.

Combining wildlife, action and the great outdoors, Fraser Island is something that has to be experienced by real adventurers, and with Dropbear Adventures all-inclusive 2 and 3 day tours – it’s a tour you simply can’t miss whilst travelling the East Coast.

Find out your tour options and prices, including additional whale watching and Whitsunday Islands tours from the mainland.

dropbearadventures.com.au

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A Tropical Adventure Tropical North Queensland is the pinnacle of Australia’s exoticism.

The Daintree Rainforest is a mesh of jungle that spills onto the sands of the Queensland coastline, melting into the waters of the Great Barrier Reef.

It’s here that you can lose yourself in this tropical wonderland on a Daintree adventure with Ocean Safari tours. Located north of Cairns and Port Douglas, this World Heritage area stretches 95kms along the coastline - encompassing Cape Kimberley, Cow Bay, Thornton’s Peak, Cooper Creek, Thornton Beach, Noah Valley, Cape Tribulation and the Bloomfield Track to the north.

Visit The Wild Side Of The Whitsundays Calm, tranquil and idyllic, the Whitsunday Island are worldfamous for their pristine beaches and the bustling marine life that surround them, but do you know there’s a little more to them than meets the eye?

With Ocean Rafting you can experience the “wild side” of the Whitsundays as they take you to locations that not every tour company can.

With their special permits to enter the Great Barrier Reef

Marine Park, Ocean Rafting are the only tour company who have direct access to stunning and iconic Hill Inlet beach on their Whitehaven Beach tours, which includes access to special snorkel

sites at Hook Island and Border Island ensuring a memorable underwater experience.

During your time in the Whitsunday Islands you can also explore the many uninhabited islands as you step off your vessel on to the white sound, only to be almost deafened by the silence of being a million miles away from it all. Whilst exploring the island’s you’ll really feel like a cast away, where you live out your desert island fantasies.

A must do activity whilst visiting the Whitsunday Island’s is of course, snorkelling. With an abundance of marine life found no where else on earth, you’d be a fool not to take a dip below the surface and marvel at the kaleidoscope of coral and fish in their natural habitat.

One of the oldest unspoilt rainforests on Earth, it is

here that you can embark on adventures such as horse riding treks, 4WD drives, surfing through the rainforest canopy or taking to the water in one of Ocean Safari’s vessels and discovering the pristine Great Barrier Reef.

Want to experience the best of both stunning natural worlds? Why not book on Ocean Safari’s 2 Trips Deal including 1 day on Ocean Safari Cape Tribulation Great Barrier Reef day tours and 1 day on an Ocean Rafting Whitsundays tour… all for just $282 per adult.

Find out more about Tropical North Queensland adventures at www.oceansafari.com.au

To experience all this and more, log on to www.oceanrafting.com. au and take a look at what you could get up to in the Whitsundays whilst on board with Ocean Rafting.

Sail the Whitsundays in Style Travelling Australia’s East Coast?

Chances are you can’t wait to get your hands on a trip around the Whitsundays. With pristine white sand beaches, crystal clear azure waters and incredible snorkelling opportunities, these idyllic islands offer a slice of paradise. Take a trip aboard one of Red Cat’s three brilliant boats for a truly unforgettable experience.

If you’re a backpacker on a budget looking for an awesome sailing experience then the Tongarra Sailing Adventure is the trip for you. Aimed at young, fun-loving travellers with a sense of humour, this two day, two night trip takes you to all the top Whitsunday locations including Whitehaven Beach, Hill Inlet, Bettys Beach, Langford Sandbar, Mantaray Bay and Blue Pearl Bay, allowing for some awesome photo opportunities. With delicious food prepared on board by the fun, experienced crew, loads of deck space for sunbathing and even the opportunity to sleep under the stars, this is an experience you’re not going to forget any time soon.

Looking for an exhilarating one day trip around the Whitsundays? Hop aboard the Thundercat. Perfect for

groups, couples, families and backpackers alike, this Red Cat tour offers two snorkel stops, two beach visits and a trip to the much-photographed Hill Inlet Lookout – who knew you could fit so much into a single day!? With lunch and snacks included, as well as all snorkel equipment, all you need to bring is yourself, a towel and a sense of adventure.

For the ultimate Whitsundays experience, book a place on Red Cat’s Ride to Paradise – it’s exactly as it sounds. The two-day two night ‘Thrill and Chill’ experience is perfect for those who shy away from the prospect of sleeping on a boat, as you’ll be staying at the idyllic Paradise Cove Resort.

After arriving at the picturesque resort, you’ll have a few spare hours for relaxing (a dip in the pool, anyone?) before a delicious dinner of BBQ herbed white fish with creamy mashed potato and coleslaw. Once cleared, you’ll get the chance to roast marshmallows around a campfire under the stars; you’ll want to get a good night’s sleep as the next two days are going to be ram packed full of Whitsundays fun!

The first stop is Whitehaven Beach and the amazing Hill Inlet Lookout, before heading on to the first snorkelling spot at Mantaray Bay. The second day’s activities will be up to you; try your hand at kayaking and stand up paddle boarding with a guided tour to try to spot some of the bay’s turtles, or simply lounge by the pool and soak up some rays.

As if that wasn’t thrilling enough, the Ride to Paradise trip also gives you to opportunity to add a 1 hour scenic flight, the ‘Fly to Paradise’, to your package. This once in a lifetime experience will take you over the Great Barrier Reef, Heart Reef, Heart Inlet and Whitehaven Beach, making for some incredible photos – you’ll even get to experience the reef close up as your flight does a touch landing.

Whichever Red Cat adventure you choose, you’re sure to have an unforgettable experience.

For more information or to book on to any of these trips visit redcatadventures.com.au

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4 Days At The Top Where Australia really gets wild…

Breathtaking escarpments, croc-infested wetlands, Aboriginal rock art and dramatic pockets of oasis make up the Top End’s biggest attractions – Kakadu, Katherine and Litchfield National Parks.

The tropical climate of Australia’s Top End makes for an exciting few days of exploration around some of the wildest national parks the country has to offer. When it comes to creepy crawlies, the Top End is teeming with them - not to mention the enormous saltwater and freshwater crocs, so if you don’t fancy slumming it whilst exploring this wild corner of Oz, we’d suggest booking on a Top End Tour.

Kakadu Wild’s Four-Day Kakadu, Katherine & Litchfield tour departs from Darwin, and the first stop is Litchfield National Park. In just one day, you’ll see Florence Falls and Wangi Falls, have a picnic in the rainforest, and cruise of the Mary River Wetlands where crocodiles lurk in the waters.

After a great night’s sleep in a proper bed whilst camping, you’ll wake early on day two to head to Kakadu National Park – Australia’s largest national park at 20,000 square kilometres. Here you’ll first discover the ancient Aboriginal rock art at Ubirr, and then take

in the incredible views of the Nardab floodplain. Next, refresh with a reviving swim as you soak up the plunge pools of Maguk A.K.A Barramundi Gorge, followed by another night under the stars.

Considering Kakadu is around the same size as Slovenia, a scenic flight is a great way to take it all in, and on day three you’ll have the option to. You then receive a lesson in Aboriginal culture with more rock art sites and 20,000 years of tradition, after which you visit the gold-mining town of Pine Creek and enjoy a quick swim at Edith Falls. Heading into Katherine, you arrive at your campsite on the edge of Nitmiluk National Park for your final night on the tour.

Experience 23-million-year-old Katherine Gorge on your fourth and final day on a cruise or canoe (season dependent and optional add-on), then get closer to Aboriginal culture with a display in fire making, boomerang and spear throwing, and painting. After trying your hand at Aboriginal art, it’s time to head back to Darwin where the tour concludes.

Sound good to you? This tour is just $1265 per person and includes safari camp accommodation, meals, an experienced guide and national park entry.

Book now at www.kakaduwild.com.au

5 Reasons Why Western Australia Should Be On Your Bucket List The pull of the East Coast may be concentration, turns the water pink. The setting is sure to be the perfect backdrop for some #instaworthy pics. unstoppable, and rightly so, but Western Australia deserves to be It’s a road less travelled East Coast may take the crown for the amount of in your travel plans – no question The incoming visitors to Australia, but WA is where people fall in love with unspoilt beaches, true wilderness, the about it. Why not mix it up a bit wildlife and having entire areas all to themselves. It may this August and take a trip to be rugged, but it’s got bags of charm and the lack of crowds will let you appreciate the wilderness in peace.

Australia’s largest state. From its seemingly endless coastline You can swim with whale sharks Double the size of a Great White shark, whale are to areas of rugged wilderness, the gentle giants that can be find in the waters of the here are 5 reasons why you must Ningaloo Ree. As they only eat plankton, you can get travel around Western Australia. right up close to the friendly creatures and be sure It’s Really, Really Pretty The wineries of Margaret River, Broome’s Cape Leveque, a kaleidoscope of coral, underwater pearls, blooming wildflower, the view from Natures Window, Lake Argyle… the list goes on! Western Australia is easy is easy on the eye to say the least.

to come back home with all your limbs! For a trul personal experience book a snorkelling trip.

It Produces Amazing Food and Drink

Pink Lakes

Due to its climate, Western Australia can grow and produce delicious food and drink like wine, seafood, mangoes and traditional bush tucker fare like marron, kangaroo and quandong fruit. It also knows how to celebrate them with food and drink festivals in peak season.

Hutt Lagoon and the aptly-named, Pink Lake, are salt lakes in WA that take on a strawberry milkshake colour due to Dunaliella salina, an algae that, when in high

Book your adventure at www.adventuretours.com.au

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The Ultimate Rock Tour Jump on the Darwin Express to Alice Springs and explore the Red Centre.

Travelling south along the Stuart Highway, this adventure is perfect for travellers looking to visit the outback from Darwin including natural water pools and famous rock formations.

Incredibly inviting, Edith Falls and Mataranka Thermal Springs provide an oasis to swim and sunbathe, breaking up your drive with much-needed relaxation. After 620km is the town of Daly Waters, where you can fill up on a pub meal before settling down for the night in a shared dorm.

Continue the rest of your journey to Alice Springs with a stop at The Devils Marbles. These balancing boulders seemingly defy gravity, looking as if they should collapse at any moment, but standing strong for thousands of years. When you finally reach Alice Springs, you can enjoy another night in hostel accommodation before your camping adventure begins.

Today is all about Uluru - and your opportunity to see what all the fuss is about! This big red monolith is best explored with a walk around the base, before you soak up the unique atmosphere with a glass of bubbly as the sun sets behind Uluru - a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

After a night spent under the stars, you wake up with the Uluru sunrise and head off for a walk through the Valley of the Winds in Kata Tjuta - another astounding rock formation in the Red

Centre. Tonight, you stay at Kings Creek Station with a BBQ dinner and sleep in a traditional Aussie swag.

Wake on your final day to take on the spectacular Kings Canyon rim walk, blessed with areas called The Garden of Eden and the Natural Amphitheatre. As you begin your return to Alice Springs, there’s time for one last stop at a camel farm to experience a camel ride.

Travel from Darwin to Alice Springs and explore the Red Centre with Mulgas Adventures. Combining two individual trips, the Darwin to The Rock Ultimate Package Tour includes transport, accommodation, some meals, an experienced guide and all activities listed.

Book the Darwin to The Rock Ultimate Package Tour at www.mulgasadventures.com.au

Experience Something Different in Darwin Northern Territory's Darwin is the only tropical capital in Australia, and at times feels a world apart from the rest of the country.

It’s immense natural heritage, dramatic history and strong indigenous culture make for a whole host of unique experiences for you to try.

Meet the Aborigines Aboriginal culture is a vital part the Northern Territory: Pukadal Aboriginal Cultural Tours is a local operator which provides authentic visits into Kakadu, so you can experience this first-hand. The family-owned business avoids overcommercialisation and focuses on genuine interaction with the hosts. You'll learn about spear-throwing, didgeridoo, slapsticks, bush tucker and natural medicines alongside traditional greetings, Dreamtime, basket-weaving, all right next to a scenic billabong. About as Australian as you can get.

Take a Dip with Some Crocs The only place in the whole of Australia which offers the exclusive 'Cage of Death' experience, Crocosaurus Cove is the perfect place to get up close and personal with the grisly creatures. Put on some goggles and dive underwater in a giant glass cylinder to come face to face with a full-grown crocodile and cross your fingers that the attraction doesn't live up to its name.

Be Amazed by Planes The Darwin Aviation Heritage Centre is one of the most incredible collection or wartime aircraft in the world. The award-winning display, with a range of Australian, American and Japanese planes is easily accessible by bus from downtown Darwin, and worth visiting even if you don't like planes. The collection is a living showcase of the key players of WW2 in the Pacific, and houses everything from Spitfires to the 'flying fortress,' a massive B-52 bomber that barely seems to fit in a hangar. This massive construction is only one of two contained outside the USA.

Take a Trip into The Depths of The Top End It takes a day tour to fully take in the rich greenery and amazing natural beauty of the place. There are massive termite mounds, thundering waterfalls you can (try to) swim up to and colossal crocodiles lurking around the Adelaide River. To get a good look at them, it’s best to take a boat trip, then have dinner by sunset before heading home.

See the Sunset at Mindil Beach Markets After a busy day that probably featured lots of crocodiles, watching the sun set over Mindil Beach is a must while in Darwin. The markets are held between 5pm and 10pm during the dry season (April to October) on the waterfront by Darwin's casino. You can browse the hand-crafted goods for a more authentic souvenir, or simply lay back on one of the grass with dinner (you'll find cuisine from pretty much everywhere) and some seasonal fruit from the region, or perhaps a French pastry. Sunset culture in Darwin is practically a way of life.

To book your very own Crocosaurus Cove experience visit crocosauruscove.com

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Discover The South West From giant karri trees to crashing waves, the south west of Australia presents Mother Nature at her finest.

Spend three days exploring the south west region of Western Australia, from the state capital of Perth to the wine region of Margaret River and the beautiful beach of Busselton, and you’ll see that the patchwork quilt of fields, forest and rolling hills are just as spectacular as the north of the city.

Heading south through the jarrah forest and sheep farming country, the Stirling Ranges offers a great spot for lunch before a stop at The Porongurups for a breathtaking view from the Castle Rock skywalk.

Entering Albany, you can’t miss the sunset from Mt Clarence to end the first day on a high.

Begin your second day right on the coast with a stop at the natural wonders of The Gap, Natural Bridge and Blowholes – all of which give the rocky coastline even more character.

Heading west, you swap the pounding waves for the calm waters of Greens Pool and Elephant Rocks in William Bay National Park. With turquoise waters to bathe in and rock pools to explore, you could spend hours soaking up the pure beauty of this oasis.

Leaving the water’s edge, head into the Valley of the Giants and Ancient Empire, home to a tree top boardwalk 40 metres above the forest floor. Then, why not take on the climb up the fire lookout tree – the world’s second tallest at 72 metres! When you’re back with your feet on the ground, take the journey to Augusta for your second night in the south west.

On your third day, begin with a visit to Cape Leeuwin to take in the great sight of where the Indian and Southern Oceans meet, before heading into wine territory.

Margaret River is famous for its grapes, producing the finest wine in the west, and you can sample what the region has to offer on a popular wine tour. Margaret River is also a must-visit destination for its caves, of which there are more than 300, and coastal attractions such as Prevelly Beach and Surfers Point. Before this three-day adventure of the south west is over, there’s time for one last stop in Busselton, home to the longest jetty in the Southern Hemisphere.

Aussie Wanderer provide a 3 Day South West Tour from Perth, including accommodation, transport, meals, entry fees and an experienced tour guide, from just $525pp.

To book, visit www.aussiewanderer.com.au

The Ultimate Aussie Adventure Want a real wild west adventure?

Explore Australia’s North West over 29 days from Perth to Darwin.

One of the largest and most diverse countries on Earth, it’s almost impossible to know where to start and how long to stay in each location - especially if you’re only travelling for a couple of months and time is off the essence. The main things you need to ask yourself are; How much do I want to see? How much time have I got? And do I want to experience things that I can’t anywhere else in the world?

Answering yes to any of these pondering thoughts will put you in prime position to book onto an adventure tour!

For those of you who have either done a stint on Australia’s East Coast on the well trodden path of many before you - or for those of you who have just arrived in Perth an overland tour is a great way to travel from state to state. Far more exciting than jumping on a JetStar flight, an overland tour will open your eyes to the many wonders of the West Coast when travelling between two of Australia’s most remote cities - Perth and Darwin.

The distance between these two cities is 4,041 km - almost the equivalent from London to Delhi - so it should come as no surprise that it’s around 44 hours driving time. But with this mammoth distance in mind, you’ll of course want to split this up by being taken to some of the most jawdropping and exciting locations in Australia.

Over 29 days as you make your way across Australia’s North West, you can experience stunning, endless coastlines such as Eighty Mile Beach - as well as the delights of national parks such as Kalbarri and Karijini. Karijini National Park is where you can take a dip in crystal clear swimming holes as well as watching out for native Aussie wildlife such as water monitor lizards, wallaroos and red kangaroos!

Heading into the Kimberley Region you can visit the geological delights of the Bungle Bungles, Echidna Chasm and Cathedral Gorge before making your way to Lake Argyle and heading towards your final destination of Darwin.

To find out how you can see all of the above and even more destinations along the way check out Kimberley Wild Expeditions’ Perth to Darwin (or reverse) tour from $8590. www.kimberleywild.com.au

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The Undiscovered Side to Broome

Located 2,240 kilometres from Perth, Broome makes for an ideal destination if you’re on a tour up the west coast. If you don’t know why this town is so special, here are just a few things that set it apart from everywhere else.

Camel Riding on Cable Beach Cable Beach is Broome’s iconic beach, with sparkling white sand stretching over 22 kilometres against the Indian Ocean. You can tread the sands of this beach on the back of a camel, riding along as the sun sets, turning the sky into a breathtaking

burnt-orange backdrop. After your camel experience, sit down at one of the beachside bars and have a cocktail with the stunning sky in sight.

The Pearl of Western Australia Broome is home to world-famous pearls, which has been the central element of the town’s economy for over a century. In the north of Broome is the award-winning Willie Creek Pearl Farm, where you can get an insight into how these beautiful gems are made and processed, and treat yourself to a few pearl jewels fresh from the farm.

Birds of Paradise The Broome Bird Observatory is dedicated to the conversation of over 300 bird species in the region and more shorebirds than any other place on Earth. The observatory has several subsections, the

most famous being Roebuck Bay where you can get close to native seabirds. In the mangroves-covered sections, you can also see the birds interact with other animals such as crabs and frogs.

The Staircase to The Moon If you’re visiting this winter, make sure you don’t miss the Shinju Matsuri Pearl Festival, which celebrates Broome’s early days of being a world-renowned producer of South Sea Pearls. People come from all over to witness a phenomenon which happens about two days either side of the full moon - when there is a low tide the rising moon is reflected off the rippled tidal mudflats, creating the illusion of a brightly lit staircase up to the moon. Make sure you catch this as Broome really comes alive for this natural event with extra markets and activities.

Wandering in the Wilderness Untainted natural beauty is the biggest treasure around Broome, and an adventure around the diverse natural sites is definitely a must. Cape Leveque boasts striking red cliffs and unpopulated beaches, and Windjana Gorge is home to freshwater crocodiles within its spectacular 100-metrehigh rock walls.

Take a trip to Broome with Integrity Coach Lines. Book online now at integritycoachlines.com

Visit Broome via Integrity Coachlines hop on hop off service. Get 10% off with promo code BBMLIVE5 at

integritycoachlines.com.au

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Top 5 Reasons Why South Australia is Worth a Visit What with the East Coast boasting the awesome cities of Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane, tropical rainforests and the great barrier reef, and the West Coast home to incredible national parks and a pink lake, South Australia doesn’t seem to get a look in when it comes to planning a trip to Oz’s best-known attractions. But we’re here to change all that! From brilliant food and drink experiences in Adelaide to vast natural diversity on Kangaroo island, here are our top 5 reasons why South Australia is worth a visit.

Check Out Adelaide’s Food Scene Melbourne may still hold the title as Australia’s gastronomical capital but Adelaide is not far behind! This industry has shown exciting new developments in recent years with new eateries popping up all over the city; from beach side cafes to cosy brunch spots there’s a spot to suit every

occasion. Head to Norwood Parade for European influenced food and Leigh St and Peel St for the latest and finest in modern Australian cooking.

Camp in the Outback Need to get away from modern life and reconnect with nature? We know the feeling. Take a trip to Flinders ranges, South Australia’s largest mountain range

dating back 540 million years. There are loads of places where you can pitch a tent and be sure to see no other souls – apart from maybe a stray emu or two. For a truly remarkable experience, join a host family on a station stay, where you’ll set up a swag on a sheep or cattle station in shearers’ quarters.

Swim With Sea Life in the Eyre Peninsula How often do you get the chance to get up close and personal with some of the oceans most mysterious creatures? Visit the Eyre Peninsula, home to incredible, mouthwatering seafood for the chance to swim with the likes of sea lions, cuttlefish, dolphins and even Great White Sharks (from the safety of a shark cage of course!)

Visit Kangaroo Island’s Wine Region Known primarily for its spectacular nature reserves and abundance of sea lions, koalas and several bird species, it may be a surprise

to learn that Kangaroo island is one of South Australia’s most exciting new wine regions.

For the best Rosé, Sparkling Rosé and Riesling head to Bay of Shoals Wines; if its whites your looking for, take a trip to Two Wheeler Creek Wines' cellar door which can be found in the town of Parndana. For a truly relaxing afternoon, visit Dudley Wines, one of the island’s original wineries, and indulge in the full range whilst enjoying a platter of local produce on the deck.

Catch Some Waves in Middleton Who says the East coast is best for surfing!?

Whether you’re a pro or just starting out, Middleton is a great place to visit. situated on the south coast of the Fleurieu Peninsula, there’s loads of surf schools as well as opportunities for whale watching. More of an experienced surfer? Head to Waitpinga Beach but make sure to watch out for strong rips and currents.

Feeling inspired? For more information and to book the ultimate tour of Kangaroo Island visit kiadventuretours.com.au

NULLARBOR Tour Guide Tales – 60,000km across the Nullarbor and counting!

I get so many questions on my trips, a few of my favourites include:

is no time for getting bored with such shenanigans to be created!

•

The second most common question is about one of my many favourite places on the Nullarbor trips. People ask, “The Great Australian Bight - what does it mean”?

• • • • • •

o we saddle emu’s and ride them like D we do with the kangaroos?

If it’s raining will the sea lions still come into the water and play?

Why is the road so straight?

Do the camels actually live out here in the middle of nowhere?

Why is the sky so blue?

How long is the 90 mile straight?

Why are there so many bugs out here in the bush?

I could go on all day! The two questions I get asked the most though are one, “Do you ever get bored doing the same trip across the Nullarbor?”

Every month for the last 8 months I have driven 8500kms with two groups of Nullarbor Traveller passengers. I can stand with my hand on my heart and say that no moment in my 60,000kms this season has been the same as the last. These epic adventure tours across the Nullarbor are so unique and there is an unbelievable amount to be seen between Adelaide and Perth. It is two thirds of Australia after all!

Plus if you have seen any of the videos we put up on the Nullarbor Facebook page, (insert link?) you would understand there

Great - large, magnificent, epic (yes its certainly all of those!)

Australian - part of this great big amazing country we call home, Terra Australis.

Bight - in nautical terms, a large open bay.

Large as in 1160kms running from Cape Carnot in South Australia t- Cape Pasley in Western Australia.

The Great Australian Bight is the longest continuous cliff coast line in the Southern Hemisphere. Epic indeed and a place that takes my breath away every single time I stop there and proudly showcase it to my passengers. Seeing their responses, the emotion and their reconnection to nature is absolutely one of the best parts of the job and makes those 60,000km so enjoyable!

My passengers and the questions and enthusiasm they share are one of the most rewarding parts of my job. I meet so many amazing individuals and there is always at least one question on tour that is a new one!

Tour Guide Tales –Magical memories of the South West of WA In my last blog I spoke about the 60,000km I’d clocked up as a guide for Nullarbor Traveller this season and even though the itineraries stay the same, every single tour is different and that’s what keeps my job so interesting! As an experienced tour guide I am trusted to make decisions based on the group of people I have on board. Their individual interests, bucket lists and abilities are all factors in providing our travellers with the best adventure tour experience we possibly can. Does it kind of sound like we make it up as we go? Well don’t tell the boss but we kind of do!

To give you an example, one of our amazing travellers turned 70 on board a trip from Adelaide to Perth recently. The Nullarbor had been a bucket list item for her for decades and finally she was doing it! When she asked about stopping at a roadhouse in the middle of nowhere to take a photo on the Nullarbor Links golf course, (the worlds longest golf course albeit very brown), of course I replied “Sure, lets do it”! On the same trip we had our oldest sand boarder ever at a ripe young age of 82, take his first run down the sand dunes in Fowlers Bay on the Eyre Peninsula. This was such an amazing moment and a reminder to me that age is no barrier. Travel keeps us young at heart! And in my case brings back fond childhood memories.

Something I get asked all the time by passengers is “Jodie, what’s your favourite part of Australia?” This is the hardest question to answer and it would just be impossible to pick one spot! I’ve been lucky enough as a tour guide to travel a large amount of this beautiful country we call Australia. There are a lot of spots that I could quite easily disappear to and happily call home. Places of beauty and nature that are far enough off the beaten track that

they are relatively untouched. However the place I really call home is the South West of Western Australia. This is my favourite part of Australia.

I grew up on a farm for most of my childhood in a small country town in the middle of the South West, about 400km from Perth. My Nanna and my Dad love to explore and from a very early age they’d take us camping, fishing and holidaying to some pretty amazing spots. This is when my passion for the outdoors began.

These childhood experiences gave me such a passion and enthusiasm about the area and how lucky am I the Nullarbor tours pass through these regions and I get to show them off to people from all over the world. Every time I come to this beautiful place words slip out of my mouth like “this is where we used to camp when my Dad would take me fishing as a kid” or “my school holidays were spent at this beach”.

Passengers even learn where my Nanna’s favourite spot is and see the beach a rogue wave swept me out to sea. Luckily my dad reefed me out of the back wash by my leg”.

There are many stories of the area that fill my heart with happiness. These stories make the white sandy beaches of Lucky Bay, crystal clear waters of Twilight Cove, magical tingle forests of Walpole, picturesque hikes and exquisite mountains of the Stirling Ranges, even more beautiful. Stories and memories of locals that grew up in the area in a time before smart phones could capture it all, that are forever held by the landscape.

My passengers seem to love that they are reliving my childhood with me! Getting to see all of the best bits of the area that has been well explored in years gone by. Or at least they never seem to complain about it. www.nullarbortraveller.com.au

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FUNNY UK NEWS

Coming over the airwaves A delightful ditty about knocking one off the wrist is turning the airwaves blue in Mansfield, with the help of cheeky radio hackers.

The pervy pirates keep hijacking the frequency of popular local station Mansfield 103.2 to play the 1970s hit “The Winker’s Song” by Ivor Biggun.

For the benefit of BBM readers who may not have heard the song before (i.e. all of you), the lyrics are an ode to onanism and include lines such as “My mother said that I never should play with the naughty rude girls in the wood.

Their giggling talk I could never understand, and that’s why I fell in love with my right hand.”

Local listeners have been subjected to the song, which uses the word “wanker” 36 times, at least eight times in a month, including during a live family broadcast from Mansfield’s Party in the Market event.

Tony Delahunty, managing director of Mansfield 103.2, said: “Some

Fare cop for cabbie We don’t know too much about the ins and outs of what it takes to be a good taxi driver – but we do know that driving around in your pants is probably a poor move.

A court in Leicester certainly thought so and has promptly banned Gurpal Atwal from working a cabbie as a result, deeming him “not fit and proper”

people have told me that their children have started humming the song in the car.

“We have had calls from people who have found it hilarious, while some have raised their concerns, including our competitors, and a lot of people in the industry are aghast at how difficult it is to stop these people.”

It might sound odd but it shouldn’t come as much of a shock to residents of the Nottinghamshire town. It’s such a boring place that “have a wank” is listed at number three in Lonely Planet’s “Things to do in Mansfield” guide.

“This is a clown but it exposes a situation that is available for, who knows, a terrorist, that type of person, some idiot who wants to put emergency messages on,” said Delahunty.

Forget terrorists, imagine if someone decided to put Justin Bieber on 24/7. The horror… the horror. to hold a taxi licence.

Hunt for creepy stowaways If there are any backpackers reading this, and thanks to BBM’s crack demographic department we know there are, make sure that when you get back home you unpack your own clothes.

Why? Because if your unsuspecting mum does it, she might soil herself at the sight of a stowaway huntsman that’s been secretly hiding in your luggage, after reports one made it all the way from Brisbane to Surrey recently.

The ma-hoosive 18cm spider survived the 10,000 mile journey before being spotted.

RSPCA animal collection officer Annie Janes was first on hand to confine the arachnid adventurer.

“This huntsman spider is quite the traveller,” she said. “From the empty locust shells found in the container, it seems he has thankfully been able to find food during that length of time, but it’s a long time to go without water, and he’s lucky he didn’t get squished.

Oh and did we mention he’s also a Labour councillor.

“He was about the size of my two hands put together, roughly 18cm, so quite something to look at!”

Borough licensing enforcement officer Tracey Aldwinckle told Cr Atwal’s legal team: “He sat in his pants outside a swimming pool because he believes that’s acceptable.”

Drivers’ vision eclipsed by moon

To be fair, after regularly being bombarded with pictures of Tony Abbott noncing about in a pair of budgie smugglers, seeing a councillor in his pants doesn’t seem so bad.

Beer collection gets canned A nagging wife has called last orders on her husband’s beer cans after getting him to ditch his collection of 9000.

for new cans and forcing himself to drink several “disgusting” beers each night so he can add the empty cans to his hoard.

Nick West, from Clevedon in North Somerset, first started collecting cans when his future wife, Deborah, bought him a book about beer back in 1975.

It seemed innocent enough at the time, but then how could she possibly have known that drinking beer would prove addictive?

But after retiring from his job as a banker, he’s decided to give it up as he can’t afford it anymore and his wife is pissed off with the huge collection.

Apparently Nick spends hours on the internet every evening looking

“Also rather morbidly my wife and kids have zero interest in it and I’m not getting any younger,” he said.

“When I do eventually go I don’t want to leave them with all that to sort through.”

Costa fan celebrates cup with tattoo Anyone who’s lived in Australia for at least a month immediately becomes a coffee snob by default, a caffeine fiend for whom only the freshest beans and hipsterish baristas will do.

Then there are people who have never been outside the UK and think that Costa coffee is the high watermark for a caffeine fix.

One such deluded fool is Sam Cooper, from Leigh-on-Sea in Essex.

In a move we’re sure will be blamed on the EU somehow, a pensioner in Cheshire has been ordered to remove mooning gnomes from his garden because they’re a distraction for passing drivers.

The cheeky duo have been baring their diminutive derrieres at passers-by ever since Father’s Day, when Laurence Perry, 77, got them as a gift from his daughter.

Senseless Sam reckons he’s spent more than £5,000 on mochas at Costa in four years – and so decided to make his love for the brand permanent by getting a tattoo of one of the franchise’s heat-proof coffee cups on his right forearm. Idiot.

“It embodies my love of Costa,” said the deeply troubled 29-yearold. “You could say I’m an addict, I probably go there at least once a day.”

But he has since received a stern message from Cheshire East Council warning him to remove them or face the consequences.

“How can they be classed as offensive? I put them up two weeks ago - no one ever approached me to complain or ask for them to be removed,” he said while masturbating in the front garden.

TRAVEL ESSENTIALS Keep things practical and stylish whilst you travel. This month we’re going for comfort and practicality with these clever travel essentials and smart buys.

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1. Keep all your belongings safe in this stylish weekender bag from Billingham – $369 available from www.billingham.co.uk 2. The Polk BOOM Bluetooth speaker is fully waterproof, shock proof and dirt proof, meaning you can listen to your tunes wherever you are - $82 available from www.polkaudio.com 3. Never lose your belongings again with the handy TrackR Pixel - $24.99 available from www.thetrackr.com 4. Keep your locks looking lovely with this lightweight travel hairdryer from Remington - $23 available from www.remingtonproducts.com 5. Avoid carrying a whole suitcase full of cosmetics with this handy Travel Make-Up Brush Set from Real Techniques - $24.50 available from www.justmylook.co.uk 6. Stay stylish with Maui Jim’s Snapback sunglasses, a modern take on the classic wayfarer design - $299 available from au.mauijim.com 7. Long day at the beach? Replenish your skins moisture with Hydraluron Moisture Serum - $31 available from www.indeedlabs.com

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ACCOMMODATION New South Wales Sydney The Globe Backpackers 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 Free: 1800 806 384 Ph: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com West End Backpackers 12 Pitt St Sydney NSW, 2000 Ph: 02 9211 4588 Free Phone: 1800 013 186 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.nomadsworld.com/westend Porterhouse Hotel 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 9211 4454 info@porterhouse.com.au www.Porterhouse.com.au Big Hostel Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92816030 Free: 1800 212 244 reception@bighostel.com www.bighostel.com O’Malley’s Hotel 228 William Street, Kings Cross Sydney, NSW 2011 Ph: 02 9357 2211 admin@omalleyshotel.com.au www.omalleyshotel.com.au Sydney Central Hostel 428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 Ph: (02) 9211 7323 stay@sydneycentralhostel.com.au www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au Kanga House backpackers 141 Victoria Street, Kings Cross, Sydney Ph: (02) 9357 7897 www.KangaHouse.com.au Sydney Northern Beaches Sydney Beachouse - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 mail@sydneybeachouse.com.au www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year.

Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

Port Stephens

Melaleuca Surfside Backpackers 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph: (02) 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au

Katoomba

www.katoombabackpackers.com.au Blue Mountains Backpackers Hostel 144 Bathhurst Road, Katoomba, NSW 2780 Ph: 02 4782 9630 bluemountainsbackpackerhostel. com.au

CEDAR CREEK LODGES THUNDERBIRD PARK Cnr of Cedar Creek Falls Rd & Tamborine Mountain Rd, Tamborine, QLD 4272 info@cedarcreeklodges.com.au www.cedarcreeklodges.com.au

Byron Bay

Backpackers in Paradise 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: (07) 5538 4344 Free: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com

Byron Bay Accom Ph: 02 66 808 666 Email: bookings@byronbayaccom. net www.byronbayaccom.net Aquarius Backpackers 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 Ph: (02) 6685-7663 Free: 1800 028 909 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au

Cairns

Nomads Byron Bay 1 Lawson Lane, Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6680 7966 Free: 1800 766 673 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com

JJ’s Backpackers 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Ph - (07) 4051 7642 Free- 1800 666 336 jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au www.jjsbackpackers.com Heron Island Ph: 02 9538 0751 www.heronisland.com

Arts Factory Lodge 1 Skinners Shoot Road, Byron Bay, NSW Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey Maca’s Camping Ground Ph: 02 6684 5211 1156 Main Arm Rd, Upper Main Arm NSW 2482, Australia www.macascampingground.com/ macascampingground@gmail.com LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK PrincesHwy,LakeTabourie,NSW2539 Ph: (02) 4406-3101 www.laketabourietouristpark.com.au

Queensland The Deck 117 Harcourt St, New Farm Brisbane QLD 4005 Ph: 0433 777 061 the_deck@live.com.au Designed with the working Traveler in Mind. Minimum 2 week stay Brisbane City YHA 392 Upper Roma St, Brisbane QLD 4000 Ph: (07) 3236 1004 brisbanecity@yha.com.au www.yha.com.au Aquarius Backpackers 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Free:1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au

Katoomba Mountain Backpackers Lodge 31 Lurline st Katoomba, NSW Ph: 04782 3933 stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au

Cairns Share House 17 Scott Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Ph: (+617) 4041 1875 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com

Western Australia Perth

western beach lodge 6 Westborough Street COOLIBAH LODGE 194 Brisbane Street Northbridge Perth WA Ph: (08) 9328 9958 www.coolibahlodge.com.au

Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS

1 Eric St Cottesloe Beach Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au www.obh.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth WA Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au Britannia On William 253 William Street, Northbridge, WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 www.perthbritannia.com

EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce, Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com Beatty Lodge 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au

Boranup Boranup Forest Retreat 422 Sebbes Road, Forest Grove Ph: +61 404 895 901 www.boranupforestretreat.com.au monkey mia Monkey Mia Dolphin Resort Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

Kununurra Kununurra Backpackers Adventure Centre 24 Nutwood Crescent, Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 or 1800 641 998 kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au broome

Melbourne

Alice Springs

Discovery Melbourne 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525.

Freecall 1800 645 200 stay@discovertmelbourne.com.au www.discoverymelbourne.com

Annie’s Place 4 Traeger Avenue, Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider Victoria Hall Accommodation 380 Russell Street, Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au

Northern Territory Darwin Youth Shack 69 Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1300 793 302 youthshack.com.au

Haven Backpacker Resort 3 Larapinta Drive, Alice Springs Ph: 1800 79 4663 / 08 8952 4663 www.alicehaven.com.au

South Australia Adelaide Adelaide Travellers Inn Backpackers 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers. com.au adelaidebackpackers.om.au

Melaleuca on Mitchell 52 Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 09 8941 7800 momdarwin.com Chillis Backpackers 69 Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 chillis.com.au

Beaches of Broome 4 Sanctuary Road, Cable Beach, Broome, WA, 6725 Ph : 1300 881 031 bookings@beachesofbroome.com. au www.beachesofbroome.com.au

Victoria redcliffs hotel 25 Jacaranda St, Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704 Johanna Beach Cottages 225 Blue Johanna Road Johanna Heights Victoria 3238 (03) 5237 4224 cottages@johannabeach.com www.johannabeach.com Brambuk Backpackers Hostel 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, VictoriaPh: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au www.brambuk.com.au/ backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

THINGS TO DO Skydiving iFly Downunder

123 Mulgoa Road, Penrith, Sydney Ph: 1300 366 364 www.iflydownunder.com.au

Sydney Skydivers

745 Picton Road, Wilton, New South Wales, Australia 2571 Ph: 1800 805 997 admin@sydneyskydivers.com.au www.sydneyskydivers.com.au

Southern Skydivers

2 hours South from Perth Busselton Ph: 1300 449 669 info@southernskydivers.com.au www.southernskydivers.com.au

Scuba Diving NINGLAOO WHALE SHARK & DIVE CENTRE Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth, WA Ph: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive. com.au

The Dive Shed Busselton

21 Queen Street, Busselton, WA Ph: 08 9754 1615 www.diveshed.com.au

Adventure Tours Awesome Whitsundays

Ph: 1800 293 7663 www.awesomewhitsundays.com

Australian Kayaking Adventures

PO Box 1055, Ashmore City, QLD Ph: 04 1294 0135 www.australiankayakingadventures. com.au

Skyrail Rainforest Cableway Cnr Captain Cook Highway and Cairns Western Arterial Road Smithfield, QLD Ph: 07 4038 5555 www.skyrail.com.au Contiki Ph: 1300 188 635 www.contiki.com

aussie wanderer

Ph: 0894382070 info@aussiewanderer.com.au www.aussiewanderer.com.au

Crocosaurus Cove

58 Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 08 8981 7522 www.crocosauruscove.com

Wild Expeditions

Shop 20, Johnny Chi Lane, Broome Ph: 1300 73 88 70 www.wildexpeditions.com.au

Margaret River Vintage Wine Tours

Ph: 0417 948 933 www.winetoursmargaretriver.com.au

The Peel Region Tourism

75 Mandurah Terrace, Mandurah Ph: 08 9550 3999 www.visitpeel.com.au

Kangaroo Island Adventure Tours Vivonne Bay, Kingscote, SA Ph: 08 8202 8678 www.kiadventuretours.com.au

GOIN SOUTH

Four days, two famous Aussie icons, one awesome tour Ph: 1800 009 858

PENRITH WHITE WATER RAFTING

Ph: 02 4730 4333 booking@penrithwhitewater.com.au www.penrithwhitewater.com.au

Drop Bear Adventures

Ph: 1800 061 156 www.dropbearadventures.com.au

Territory Expeditions

Ph: 1300 115 922 www.territoryexpeditions.com.au

Mulgas Adventures

Ph: 08 8952 1545 www.mulgasadventures.com.au

Kakadu Wild Expeditions

Ph: 1300 73 88 70 darwinsales@kimberleywild.com.au www.kakaduwild.com.au

Kakadu 4WD Safaris

Ph: 1300 525 238 info@kadu4wdsafaris.com www.kakadu4wdsafaris.com

Adventure Tours australia Ph: 1300 654 604 adventuretours.com.au

Sydney Outback Tours

Ph: 1300 307 634 www.sydneyoutback.com.au

Real Sydney Tours

Ph: 0402 049426 www.realsydneytours.com.au

The Travel Yoga Company

Ph: 0411301820 www.theyogatravelcompany.com

Kimberley Wild Expeditions Ph: 1300 73 88 70 www.kimberleywild.com.au

The Official Home And Away Tour To Summer Bay

Ph: 02 9977 7890 www.yahoo7.com.au/homeandaway

Kite Surfing KITE REPUBLIC

10-18 Jacka Blvd. St.Kilda Sea Baths Complex, St.Kilda, 3182, Melbourne, VIC Ph: 03 95370644 www.kiterepublic.com.au

Water Activities GREAT OCEAN ROAD SURF TOURS

55B Surf Coast Highway, Torquay, Victoria, 3228 Ph: 03 5261 3730 info@gorsurftours.com.au www.gorsurftours.com.au

KANGAROO MARINE CHARTERS

9 Chapman Terrace, Kingscote, Kangaroo Island, SA Ph: 0427 315 286 www.kimarineadventures.com

ADVENTURE KAYAKING

7 Hastings Street, Glenelg South, SA Ph: 08 8295 8812 bookings@adventurekayak.com.au www.adventurekayak.com.au

PARADISE JET BOATING

Jetty ‘C’ Mariners Cove Marina, Seaworld Drive, Main Beach Qld 4217 Ph: 1300 JET BOAT (1300 538 262) thrills@paradisejetboating.com.au www.paradisejetboating.com.au

TRANSPORT MIGHTY CAMPERS

Nationwide Ph: 1800 670 232 www.mightycampers.com.au

GREAT SOUTHERN RAIL

Nationwide Ph: 1800 703 357 www.greatsouthernrail.com.au

Integrity Coach Lines

PO BOX 1131, Midland, 6936 WA Ph: 08 927 47464 www.integritycoachlines.com.au

Go Camper

90 Parkin Street, Rockingham, WA Ph: 1300 667 363 www.gocamper.com.au

34

CRYSTAL BALLS episode of the Late,Late Show. He picks you up from your place in the afternoon, asks if you mind driving, and the two of you spend the rest of the day driving around singing the biggest hits of the week. Later that night, you realise you’ve been duped when you see a newsreport warning people to be on the look out for a chubby 37-year-old sex offender with an English accent who pleasures himself manually while getting people to sing and chauffer him around town.

Libra

Pisces

You get a peculiar itch in your nether regions after attending an outdoor event and using a public toilet. After a trip to the doctors it turns out it’s a rare tropical disease and you’re detained in quarantine for 6 months.

Virgo

You are accused of trolling people after spending the month under a bridge harassing billy goats gruff.

Gemini

Much to your surprise you are invited to film“Carpool Karaoke” with James Corden for the following night’s

stands on a knife edge, until the police get you to take part in a lineup with four people of similar build and complexion. Officers then lead a blindfolded Shakira down the line and, as she passes you, her hips start gyrating furiously – indicating that you are indeed the guilty party. You are sentenced to life imprisonment with no chance of parole.

Sagittarius

You catch a rare disease from an uncooked chicken leg and turn into a caribou. The last anyone sees of you is you migrating to the frozen wastes of the Ungava region in Quebec.

After a particularly heavy night of drinking, you wake up the next morning naked next to the cold, dead body of cheeky racist Pauline Hanson, who is decked out in a hijab.

Please explain.

This is a reminder that it has been two years since your last eye test.

Taurus

Aries

You are accused of first-degree murder in the American state of Connecticut, despite never having been there, and also having several witnesses confirming you were at work in Australia at the time of the crime. However, your accuser is none other than belly-dancing Latino diva Shakira, whose hips famously never lie. After months battling an extradition order in the court, you’re finally sent to the States for trial. The verdict

ASK CRYSTAL

Dear Crystal, About two years ago my mother and father told me that I was adopted.

Although I will always consider them my real parents, I still felt a need to seek out my biological parents to know who I am and where I came from. After a long and exhaustive search I finally discovered that my birth mother was a young glamour model called Crystal Smith, who later married porn tycoon Harry Balls in the 70s shortly before his suspicious death from asphyxiation during a sex game. Now, at last, I have tracked you down to Sydney, Australia, and wondered if you wanted to reconnect after all these years. I’m 48 now and have three children who would love to meet their grandmother. Also, I would dearly like to know who my father is as all you put down on the adoption certificate was “some tradies”.

Yours, Heather Dear Heather, Not this again. I’ll tell you what I told the other half-dozen motherless bastards who’ve tried to get in touch with me over the years. Firstly, no I don’t want a touchy-feely reunion with you and your children. I bloody hate kids. Secondly, your dad could be anyone from Jimmy Tarbuck, Telly Savalas, Richard Pryor, the 196768 FA-Cup winning West Bromwich Albion squad and the cast and crew of Love Boat. Thirdly, it was proven in a court of law that it was entirely possible for Harry Balls to tie himself to his bed and still force a dildo down his mouth until he choked to death. Anyone who suggests otherwise will hear from my lawyer.

Dear Crystal, I’ve been having an affair with the Fat Controller from Thomas the Tank Engine for six years now, but I’m scared to go public in case there’s a backlash on social media. The last time we had sex we did it up against Henry until his eyes span around and steam came out of his chimney. What should I do?

Yours Clare Dear Clare, This is a tough one. It reminds me of the time I once had an orgy with a group of beloved children’s TV characters. For legal reasons, I can’t say who they were, but let’s just say the name “Tinky Winky” does not do him justice. More like “Massive Schlong”. I’d say just enjoy it while you can and make sure you do some sex tapes so you can blackmail him when it all goes tits up. That’s what I did with Matthew Corbett from the Sooty and Sweep Show. Very talented with his fingers. He certainly made me squeak when he shoved his hand up there.

Capricorn

You go down to the beach and are bitten on the ankle by a were-fish.

For the rest of your life, every full moon, you turn into a haddock and spend the night flapping about in bed gasping for breath.

Leo

In a bid to reduce BBM’s carbon footprint, as of next month we will be reducing our horoscope from 12 star signs to 11 to save on paper.

However, we’ll still need to use a page with the same dimensions, so as a compromise we’ll replace the Leo section with a drawing of a miniature wind farm.

Cancer

Running short on people to attack and demonise, Donald Trump suddenly turns his attention to you, calling you “A f—king pussy” for not turning up to the televised debates and calling for your public castration by anyone with access to a bowie knife.

Aquarius

While experimenting in the kitchen, you stumble across a fantastic new recipe of your own design that involves baking a combination of mincemeat, mashed potatoes, carrots and peas. You head straight to Coles and Woolworths with your product, hoping to start a high-range bidding war, only to be told the recipe has been freely available for centuries and is commonly referred to as shepherd’s pie.

Scorpio

Your best friend goes to Ikea and is never seen again. Years later, staff find a skeleton behind a particularly ugly tartan sofa-bed. Remember kids, never stray from the Ikea path.

JOKES A father and son are watching TV together when a sex scene comes on.

“Well son, time for bed now” the father says.

“But Dad, I’m 15 now” the son complains.

The father replies “I don’t care how old you are you are not watching me masturbate.” Jordan, Paddington

I love cooking children and dogs.

But I hate using commas. Sarah, Fitzroy What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off. Siobhan, Northbridge Apparently Americans pray before every meal.

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Even Muslims only pray five times a day! Gary, Fremantle

Together, we can stop this shit.

Patrick, Darlinghurst

What do you call an incestuous nephew?

My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, “100 ways to please your man.”

An aunt-eater. Barry, Bondi

I said, “Don’t bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I’ll be the happiest man ever.

She smiled and said, “Aww, what’s that then?”

I said, “Pack your bags and fuck off.” Tim, Surry Hills I got fired from the pet shop today for punching air holes in a cardboard box with a screwdriver.

Apparently, you’re supposed to do it before you put the rabbit in. Rob, St Kilda

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 5 weeks.

I really don’t like interrupting her.

Terry, Kings Cross My mate asked me the other day, if my new puppy was house trained yet.

I said “Yes, he can already tell the difference between Daft Punk, 808 State and Phuture”. Joe, Cottesloe How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone. Glen, Perth Email your jokes to info@bbmlive.com

www.bbmlive.com 35

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