BBM issue 606 by bbmlive.com

CONTENTS ISSUE 606

The Cover

Review

ZIG-A-ZIG-AHH! - 6 After Victoria, Mel C, Emma, Geri and several lookalikes turned them down, X-Factor have hired Scary Spice as their new judge.

THE KING’S SPEECH - 16 Can Colin Firth make us feel sorry for our favourite in-breeding, past-its-prime monarchy?

Regulars

Interview

Sport

STRANGE TALK / BONJAH - 14 Our ace reporter Jeremy Williams caught up with both bands on the eve of their jam-packed tour schedules.

MOUR AGGRO IN MADRID - 72 The publicity-shy Jose Mourinho was up to his old tricks again this week. BBM takes a look at his previous best wind-ups.

6 12 16 18 20 22 28 30 34 36 40 42 52 55 58 62 64 64 66 74

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GOSSIP INTERVIEWS REVIEWS WRAP SOAPS UK NEWS IRISH NEWS WORLD NEWS SYDNEY MELBOURNE PERTH QUEENSLAND RECRUITMENT CLASSIFIEDS HOSTEL LISTINGS CRYSTAL BALLS ASK CRYSTAL JOKES SCOREBOARD SPORT

BBM MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon

john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Ben Harlum

ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby

richard.gadsby@what-media.com

UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir

hannah.shakir@what-media.com

CONTRIBUTORS Jeremy Williams, David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Alexandra McIntyre, Ashley Moore, David Drummond, Sian Gammie, Eleni Pitman, Robin Lewis, James Stapleton, Sinead O’ Shaughnessy, Des Penny and Renee Van Kraanen Photography INTERNS Pim de Roos, Amy Bloemendaal and Sian Gammie HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard

design@what-media.com

WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber

ADVERTISING AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Mary Atkin ADVERTISING Joe Smith

joe.smith@what-media.com

Donna Parry Alex Williams Dave Hudson

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GOSSIP

RONAN RUNS BACK TO X

WHAT’S scarier than seeing Ronan Keating, Guy Sebastian and Natalie Bassingthwaite in one room? Serial bastard-child producer Mel B is about to join the already frightening cast of Australian X-Factor.

IT’S a match made in heaven. Because Angelina needs more money. And Louis Vuitton needs more advertising. And Annie Leibovitz doesn’t take enough photos.

The former Spice Girl (pictured) will replace toad-faced Kyle Sandilands as the fourth of the show’s judges.

That’s right, Louis Vuitton has signed Ms Jolie for their next print ad campaign, shot by Leibovitz.

Mel sort of spoiled the announcement for the Seven network when she not-so-subtly hinted to the world on Twitter by asking ex-judge Dannii Minogue for help “with something on something.”

BBM assumes she’s doing it out of the kindness of her heart as she’s only getting $10 million for it.

It’ll be rather a big move for pregnant Scary Spice and her illegitimate entourage who currently live in Pheonix. “I tried to stop her,” muttered Eddie Murphy.

Is it just us or is it going to be awkward when Ange has to buy another starving child to pull her luggage around for her?

THE DADDY BITCH IS BACK THERE’S nothing worse than a spoiled child. That’s why BBM’s parents used to leave us on the side of the road every now and then as see if we survived the hitch home. Sir Elton John knows where we’re coming from, that’s why he has breast milk specially delivered across the world for his little tyke. “The worst thing you can do to a child, and I’ve seen it happen so many times, is the silver spoon,” John said. “Being the child of a famous person is very diff cult, and we’re very well aware of the pitfalls of that.” And to make sure the kid’s feet stay f rmly on the ground he’ll be guided through life by godmother Lady Gaga.

THE BOY WITH THE ‘THANK YOU’ TATTOO ALTHOUGH BBM is not entirely certain who Alex Pettyfer is, we like his style. The British star of I Am Number Four and Beastly has revealed that he has a tattoo above his crotch that says, “Thank You.” Alex says it’s there, “in case I forget to say it.” He then started hating all over Hollywood, “L.A. is growing on me a little bit but it’s still a shit hole. I think it’s this insidious pool where nearly everyone lives in fear. Geographically it’s fantastic, but socially it’s disgusting. I wish they’d run all the c---ts out.” New best friend? We think so. We might even get a matching tattoo to commemorate this friendship. Or shag his ex, Glee’s Dianna Agron (pictured with Alex). Although ours should probably read “Sorry,” you know, just in case we forget to say it.

HERE we were thinking there was nothing to report about Charlie Sheen this week. Aside from him kissing that old nanna. Or was that last week? Anyway, Charlie’s decided to use his winning powers for the greater good this week by starting a charity for a baseball fan who was critically injured at a Dodgers game last month. We thought it was something hilarious like a foul ball on the head but no. He was beaten up in the car park for wearing the away team’s jersey and left in a coma. Fail. All prof ts from merchandise sold at his San Fran show will be donated to the charity- Sheen’s Korner Foundation. Sheen urges you to get out there and buy some tiger blood. Or a goddess. Or a nanna.

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GOSSIP BIEBER MAKES HIS MARKY MARK UNFORTUNATELY,it looks like we haven’t seen the last of little Justin Bieber just yet. Even more unfortunate is the fact that Mark Wahlberg now needs to ride on Bieber’s tiny coat tails.

Video game company Gate Five is suing the tits and arse star after she pulled out of a deal for a dance game Starpower: Beyonce.

Jasus. Bieber has announced that he’s landed a role in Mark’s new basketball-themed f lm. The f lm by Paramount will depict “a reluctant mentor in an inner-city environment”. BBM assumes it’s like Coach Carter only with white people. Well, Mark is hardly likely to agree to work with a black man right?

WAHLBERG, BIEBER AND MARK LAST WEEK

Wahlberg said yesterday: “We’re putting it together. We pitched it, talked about getting him involved and Paramount loved it. I think he’s really talented.” Well, you also think it’s appropriate to blind people with sticks so that’s hardly surprising.

ROB LOWE-RS HIS STANDARDS BBM is devastated to learn that we don’t get to become the pioneer of celebrity sex tapes. The title is already taken. And no, not by Paris. The winner is Rob Lowe! While promoting his new autobiography, the ironically named Stories I Only Tell My Friends, Lowe (a Chinese-made robot who somehow attracts more ladies as he ages) claims to have revolutionised the celebrity sex tape biz way back in 1989. Rob told Oprah that contrary to popular belief, the tape (which showed him fucking a 16 year old!) actually helped his career. “What it ends up doing is accelerating my alcohol stuff to where I f nally get sober,” Lowe explained. Maybe this is just the career boost BBM needed! Excuse us while we duck out to f nd a school girl with her own camera…

IN LIKE FLYNN THE Kerrblooms have f nally revealed the secret behind their baby name. And, just like Miranda’s (pictured) decision to stop sleeping with BBM when the hobbit knocked her up, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to us. According to Orlando Bloom, his grandmother died when the baby was conceived. That must have been an awkward phone call. “I was convinced we were going to have a girl. Because my grandmother actually passed when Flynn was conceived and she was really dear to my heart,” he said. “Evelyn was my grandmother, on my father’s side ... I was thinking Evelyn. We’re going to have a girl, it’s going to be called Evelyn. And it was a boy. And so Flynn! Evelyn, Flynn. Flynn, Evelyn.”

PREVIOUSLY perfectly proportioned popstar Beyonce has landed herself amongst a $100 million lawsuit after it was revealed her heart is two sizes too small.

It was all to go ahead until Jay-Z’s bitch decided she wanted more cash for the deal. The suit describes “a bad faith breach of contract so callous that, on what appeared to be a whim, she destroyed Gate Five’s business, and drove 70 people into unemployment, the week before Christmas.” For some people success is never enough. “I’ll do it for ten quid,” promised Kelly Rowland.

LITTLE crim Lindsay Lohan has f nally been sentenced for nicking that necklace while she was on probation. Li-Lo will serve 120 days behind bars and split her 480 community service hours between a morgue and a women’s centre. Oh dear. Lohan said the sentence was “shocking” and that she was “numb” after it was handed down. Surely it can’t be that bad, Linds. We know that you’ve got at least one movie deal lined up for when you get out. “It could be worse,” she said, “I was scared they’d make me move back in with my dad.”

Wait. What?

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GOSSIP GAGA WHINES AND DINES AS much as we love to mock Gaga, this week we think she deserves a bit of a break. Just kidding! She’s as annoying as ever. This time she’s all teary over being bullied. When BBM was bullied we didn’t cry. We just told mum on them. Man up, Gaga. What happened to your Poker Face? “I still sometimes feel like a loser kid in high school and I just have to pick myself up (pictured) and tell myself that I’m a superstar every morning so that I can get through this day and be for my fans what they need for me to be.” If she wasn’t so bigheaded through her tears we might have a tiny bit more sympathy. Actually, we’d still mock her relentlessly.

WILL-UGO-AWAY? GENIUS punctuator Will.I.Am is going against the Hollywood grain by admitting he’s as frigid as Britney used to pretend be. Who would’ve thought? After an interview with Elle Magazine it’s become clear why the Black Eyed Peas usually let Fergie do all the talking. Will (pictured, bottom) talks everything from masturbation to turds, admitting that he’s not that into sex, didn’t tug it until he was 19, is turned off by women who keep comdoms in their house and prefers to wipe his arse with wet wipes. “Here’s proof on why people should have baby wipes,” rants Will. “Get some chocolate, wipe it on a wooden f oor, and then try to get it up with some dry towels. You’re going to get chocolate in the cracks. That’s why you gotta get them baby wipes.”

Clearly the bullying hasn’t quite worked yet.

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INTERVIEW

THOR

KENNETH BRANAGH

JAIMIE ALEXANDER

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

DIRECTOR

‘SIF’

‘THOR’

The story lends itself to a lot of Shakespeare; did you have any input into the script? I was very much involved with the script all the way through, which I thought was important. I always assumed the audience were intelligent so not only could we deliver the spectacle and action, but we could also have more rich and relatable relationships between the central characters.

What was the audition process like? I had heard that the f lm was being cast and I thought I could play the role so I asked if I could go in and audition. They thought I looked like the comic book character so I read for the part, had a Skype conversation with Ken, and ended up getting the part.

How do you and your brother solve family conf ict, compared to Thor and Loki? Yeah, it’s a little different to those two who attempt to kill each other. We try to keep things a bit more civilised, but when we were younger things got a bit physical.

How do you think your background as an actor has shaped your directing style? I think you become very actor-friendly, trying to f gure out the best situations to get the best out of your actors. For example, with a f lm such as this, you need to work out whether your actors feel comfortable with more or less of the set when working with a green screen. I’ve discovered that starting with close-ups is the best way to get a great actor, such as Anthony Hopkins, warmed up quickly. If you act, you think of those things. Thor, deals with family conf ict and resolution. How do you resolve conf ict in real life? I’m much better than I used to be at being assertive. I’m one of those people who can bottle things up for a long time. Directing’s been good for it because you have to be so honest, checking the weather every day in terms of other people’s moods. Directing has made me listen more and be a little more straightforward with what I want.

Did they whip you into shape for the f lm? They did, I actually lost twenty pounds to play the part. A healthy twenty pounds, and I gained a bit of muscle too. What about Ken as a director, coming from an acting background what was his style like? I’m so glad he was an actor f rst because he gave us so much creative freedom, and he understood where we were coming from if we were having a diff cult time with something. It was awesome. Who would win a battle between you and your co-stars, Kat Dennings and Natalie Portman? Well I’m double their size, they’re like armrests to me! In a battle of wits, it’d be Natalie. Kat could probably kill somebody by making them laugh so much while I’d use my brute strength. As a team I think we’re like Charlie’s Angels on steroids. Thor is in cinemas now. For more with the cast, visit bbmlive.com

What’s the pressure like working on a blockbuster f lm, it’s a bit different to working on Home and Away... It’s all relative because when I walked into Home and Away, meeting Alf Stewart was just like meeting Anthony Hopkins because you have a huge respect for them. What I learnt in both Thor and Home and Away were hugely benef cial to me and I couldn’t have felt more supported. Walking into Thor with names like Anthony Hopkins and Natalie Portman, you wonder how you’re going to do it but they all had such incredible passion and no ego so it was easy. The f lm’s about personal growth, how do you think the f lm has helped you grow? I guess just being available to learn, and walking in with an open mind instead of a f xed opinion on what you’re going to do. Kenneth was all about exploring things, which is very freeing for an actor.

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INTERVIEW

soundcheck at Sitting outside Bonjah’s it is easy to b, Clu ial Soc ote rthc the No Mossop, nn (Gle is Kiw r fou see why the n and Dan rga Mo id Regan Lethbridge, Dav their Aussie mate h wit ng alo ) olm ish Ch king waves. (James Majernik) are ma latest single The With the video to their won the prized ady alre ing hav e Lin White the week, it of eo vid J’s le spot of Trip rk is f nally wo d har appears that all the t who launched nte qui the for off ing pay Dawn back in 2009. their debut album Until es to a close, As their soundcheck com a quick drink and for me ite inv s boy the rush of attention chat about the sudden art-warmingly He . ing they are receiv

ssop freely admits humble, lead singer Mo a long journey te qui n bee has “it that recorded that we , um alb t from the las . It is just a ago rs yea album almost two us.” for on natural progressi Bonjah’s debut For those familiar with t The White tha its album, Mossop adm than their earlier k” roc re mo lot a “is Line s not always material. However, it wa as guitarist y wa t tha intended to be e White Line was Lethbridge reveals, “Th h sort of vibe, it originally a country-is ugh it was not a tho l fee y had a countr ned on its head tur country song. It got . But the album dio stu the in bit e littl a k album, but for a is def nitely not a roc aight-up choice.” str tty pre single it was a

BONJAH

few months Having spent the past impending working towards their boys are clearly sophomore album, the attention they the ting get chuffed to be spotted whilst n bee deserve. Having f rst , “We’ve been iles sm p sso Mo g, kin out bus now and all rs yea ve f for e in Melbourn pay off. We to g rtin sta the hard work is the way it is going at h wit py hap y ver are the moment.” m Ball festival this Bonjah play at the Gu on Bay’s Beach Byr as ll we as nd, weeke Hotel on May 1st. Interview and Photo:

Jeremy Williams

INTERVIEW Tour Dates May 6: Melbourne May 7: Ballarat May 13: Adelaide May 14: Brisbane

STRANGE TALK

Ben Sherman Big Sound Gigs May 11: Corner Hotel, VIC May 12: Gaelic Theatre, NSW

Stephen Docker of Melbourne quartet Strange Talk is making the most of the post-summer sun before heading down to the rehearsal room. With a series of gigs in the pipeline to coincide with their freshly released Strange Talk EP, Docker and his bandmates are making the most of any pretour dates they can get. On today’s agenda, the band have “got a couple of new songs that we are going to rehearse and get ready. Because we have our EP tour coming up at the end of this month through to May, we have got to make sure we have a solid hour set. So we have just written a couple of songs which we want to add to the

show, so it would be good to play them in the lead up whenever we can, just to gauge a response and see if they need any more work on then.”

being thrown at them left, right and centre, Docker is more than f attered to even be mentioned in the same breath as two bands he holds in high regard.

Having already unleashed the stunning singles Eskimo Boy and Climbing Walls, Strange Talk have taken the fast-track to success. While they are aware that their singles to date have been more than well received, Docker admits to Jeremy Williams that “it is a little bit nerve-wracking” to unleash new material on the public.

While he admits “being compared to people isn’t a bad thing as we love them and they are our inf uences,” he would not necessarily strictly align his sound to the musical icons. “I guess, our sound is pop music. We have still got that indie touch to it. When we write we are very conscious to make sure a song is 3 minute 30. It is a very pop structured sound. It is very electronic, with a touch of rock but it still has that indie sound as well.”

So what can people expect from the Strange Talk EP? With Yeasayer and Pheonix comparisons

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REVIEWS GRACE JONESSTANTON WARRIORS April 19th

RATING

VENUE

DATE

by possibly the loudest sub-bass snarl this side of Trinidad. Add ten costume changes, with each outf t more outrageous than the last, which matched the visual aspect to the musical. WELL, she’s as old as your nan, three foot taller and 100 times as mad. She’s Grace Jones, who exploded onto the stage at the Enmore in a maelstrom of lights, costumes and attitude. Grace treated Sydney to a jaw dropping two-hour extravaganza of her biggest hits, accompanied

RELEASED

ALBUM

The Warriors

Enmore Theatre, Sydney

Saving the biggest hits until last, Pull up to the Bumper and Slave to the Rhythm included call-response singalongs which the audience lapped up and kept going, giving their all to this true diva who had lived up to her real star reputation. Just like your nan does. Paul Freeman

RATING

Now

In Stores & Digitally

delivered a slightly above average debut ‘artist’ album. With only two stand out tracks, the incessant Leader and chantworthy Ouepa Ouepa, the album shows signs of the duo’s f eld leading STANTON Warriors have come a abilities, but on the whole seems long way since they formed back in distinctly mainstream and strangely the West Country. rushed. The Warriors is without doubt a crowd pleaser and perfect party music. Yet, after f fteen years of groundbreaking remixes, it is somewhat disappointing to see that Stanton Warriors have only

The Warriors will no doubt get the booties shaking, but it won’t blow your mind. Jeremy Williams

THE KING’S SPEECH STARRING DIRECTOR RELEASED

job of making us look at the Queen as a real bitch back in 2006, Firth actually manages to have us feel sorry for a member of the royal family. It’s a miracle!

Colin Firth Geoffrey Rush Tom Hooper

(The Damned United)

Now

DVD & Blu-Ray

RATING IT’S Colin Firth who makes The King’s Speech a success, as most actors in this role of King George VI would’ve turned the f lm into a comedy or one as dull as, say, The Young Victoria.

While the stammer starts out as an annoyance, you quickly empathise with him as he tries his darndest to get rid of the speech disorder. While Helen Mirren did an ace

Tom Hooper avoids going overthe-top and keeps things simple. Sure, the sets are elaborate (as they should be) but Firth and Rush are kept at the focus of the f lm with only very minor interruptions from supporting characters. While Helena Boham-Carter doesn’t do much of note (especially for an Oscar-

nominated role), she’s welcome in any f lm I watch. There is one moment mid-way through the f lm where she actually looks like the Queen Mother. Rewind the tape, it’s there. A f lm that screams “England!”, The King’s Speech is a genuine masterpiece led by a career-bb-best performance from Colin Firth. And, yes, it’s better than The Social Network. I went there. Ben Harlum

INTERVIEW Success. Australia has stolen another Brit. And he says we can call him our own. In true BBM style the king of relationship comedy Jeff Green talks turds, knobs and disappointment with SIAN GAMMIE on the eve on his Sydney shows.

So you won’t be doing that in Sydney? Maybe next year’s show.

Maybe in Adelaide? Well Adelaide certainly lends itself to extremism. They’re either extremely normal to the point of putting people in acid or they’re gothing and emoing up. They’re much less scary than the people of Darwin.

Why did you decide to break away in the 80’s and do something not so P.C.? Well, because everyone else was P.C. and it was boring! We were coming off the back of The Young Ones, Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, Ben Elton. Have you ever completely died on your arse? And it got to the point where the blokes in the clubs Well there was one time I was booked to do a gig were so frightened to talk about anything that might to open for Susie Essman who plays the manager’s offend that it just became a load of knob gags. And wife in Curb Your Enthusiasm. And the manager’s name is Jeff Greene. And so she says “please that was ignoring 50 percent of the audience and that’s women. welcome Jeff Green!” and they were expecting him and I could just see the disappointment. And Do you think new comedians can take it too far? my friend said to me, “I always love your stuff no Well it’s interesting now - anything goes. It seems matter what but even I was disappointed when you walked out.” like it’s the more shocking the better. When I started out there were certainly no rape jokes, there were For more of Jeff Green check out his show no pedophile jokes or tsunami jokes. I feel sorry for the next generation of comics because where do Hear Me Out this week as part of The Sydney they go? Apart from defecating on stage or actually Comedy Festival. Jeff asks that if you must killing someone! What’s left to shock? yell something out could you please make it “Encore!”

jeff green

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THE WRAP LITTLE-KNOWN rapper Kanye West will be headlining this year’s Splendour in the Grass festival alongside an up and coming British band named Coldplay. Go and support them, they may be a big deal one day. Lineup: Jane’s Addiction, The Hives, Regina Spektor, Pulp, Kaiser Chiefs, Elbow, Young The Giant and more. When: July 29th to 31st Where: Woodford, Queensland Cost: $390 (+ $120 Camping) OVER the past three years Katchaf re have been gracing the global stage where major festivals & clubs have bounced to their infectious groove. They’ll be touring Australia to celebrate the launch of their new album, On The Road Again. Wollongong, NSW: June 23rd Sydney: June 24th Cairns: June 26th Frankston, VIC: June 30th Melbourne: July 1st

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$ IN MILLIONS HIGHEST WEEKS IN POSITION RELEASE

MUSIC

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FREDDIE White has long been synonymous with music of the highest quality. Whether interpreting songs by his favorite writers, or performing his own classy compositions, Freddie’s live performances are must-see shows.

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ON BBMLIVE.COM THIS WEEK HYPER COLOUR “With spring/summer f rmly underway in the UK, colour blocking is f ooding the high street with a kaleidoscopic bang. It’s accessible, easy to do and all it requires is you putting your favourite shades together.”

Assorted Dates: Cronulla, NSW: May 18th Newtown, NSW: May 26th East Brunswick, VIC: May 29th Windsor, NSW: June 10th

FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

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FILM

COMPETITIONS THEIR debut album Subculture took the music world by storm. Now, off the back of their lead single Face Of The Planet, The Subs are taking electronica down that deep, dark, unexplored road once again with their second album Decontrol. We have a bunch of copies of the album to give away.

BBM has f ve double passes to give away to see Hugh Cornwell in a city of your choice. Hugh is, of course, the original guitarist, singer and main songwriter in The Stranglers. All you need to do is tell us your most memorable concert memory. Easy! We’ll pick the best and reward them with tickets.

MINISTRY of Paintball have kindly agreed to give away an unlimited number of free VIP Field Entry Passes to all BBM readers. All entry passes are fully transferable so you can forward them onto anyone, even to people you know in the UK as the passes are valid at over 120 Ministry of Paintball locations there.

TO ENTER ANY OF THESE COMPS, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM 18

BURKE & HARE is a black comedy based on the true story of the body-snatchers. These two Irish entrepreneurs discover that a dead body can fetch a hefty price when the demands of Dr. Knox (Tom Wilkinson) and Dr. Monroe (Tim Curry) reach beyond that of the local supply. BBM has twenty double passes to give away.

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SOAPS CORONATION ST. SEAN is reunited with son Dylan and Violet Wilson, and later bumps into former lover Marcus Dent. And in a twist Todd returns to the cobbles with a bang to catch up with his mother Eileen.

EastEnders

him, but will this put him in the line of f re for her death?

Meanwhile Tina begins to worry that Xin has genuine feelings for Graeme, and Graeme and Xin panic when they are questioned by the Fiz learns that John has gone immigration authorities. to visit Charlotte Hoyle’s parents, and later admits that Will the pair wind up in jail for Charlotte was obsessed with their sham marriage?

RYAN returns to f nd out about Whitney’s ordeal and is shocked to learn what his sister has been up to. And things look like they could be thawing between Zainab and Syed when she turns up on his doorstep, but Masood isn’t happy about the reunion between his estranged son and wife. Meanwhile meddling Ashley

Chubbs (Fatboy’s father) reveals he has reported Mercy to the authorities, and Mercy is devastated when she is told she has to leave the country. As she prepares to go, Fatboy proposes to her! Elsewhere, Jean and Alf e are worried about Kat as she refuses to call Tommy by his name.

Cass decides a f shing trip will cheer up Bela, now that he has free time on his hands – but the pair come back empty-handed. Grace proves a great help for Bela, and turns out to be the only one who has a positive inf uence on him. Meanwhile, Mark suggests a big change in order for the Halpins to rid themselves of Suzanne and Wayne asks Damien’s permission to date Laura. TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

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HOLLYOAKS +

Emmerdale ADAM is shocked when Ella makes a move on him, and is later confused when she apologises for winding him up. Is she just saving herself from embarrassment?

BRENDAN’S sinister side is revealed once more as he threatens money-grabbing Jenny and Doug, but it looks like Jenny could be in trouble when she heads out to meet up with Silas. Will the murderer strike again? Leanne is up to her old tricks when she fakes an ankle injury and tells Lee that it’s Amy’s fault. Lee is delighted when he and Amy are asked to do a TV

advert, but love-struck Lee is upset when his attempts to win back Amy fail. Leanne f nally snaps and pushes Lee down a steep slope, when she realises she can’t have him.

Jimmy admits that he’s not ready to get divorced yet. Rhona and Laurel have a heart to heart about her baby, and Rhona admits to her friends that her child has Down’s syndrome but hasn’t told Marlon.

Ryan makes an exit from the village this week, and says his goodbyes. Alex plays it cool after he sleeps with Hannah, leaving the youngster devastated when he gives her the brush off. Kelly is worried when Jimmy regains some more memories, and things don’t look good for her when Jimmy remembers that Kelly hit him over the head.

Meanwhile, gangsters Brendan and Warren agree to stick together in order to hold on to the cash they stole from murdered Danny Houston, while Carmel struggles to manage Noah on her trial day at Cinergy.

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UK NEWS A BIT TOO LIBERAL IT’S one thing having your sexual antics leaked to the public while involved in politics but posting it on the world wide web yourself is just idiotic. Liberal Democrat election candidate (and genius), Holly Ann Battye posed for the camera with a gag ball in her mouth while cupping her funbags and then posted it on a fetish website just two weeks just before she was to stand in local elections. Miss Battye claimed the pics were ‘artwork’ but was

forced to dismiss herself from the runnings and stated that the Tories were behind a smear campaign against her. A party spokesperson for the Lib Dems claims that their hands are tied regarding the matter and there is nothing they can do. A close associate told Miss Battye that she should pursue a gagging order on learning of their rivals intentions but we can only assume that she misinterpreted this suggestion.

HE’S MILKING IT

THEY were once hunted to near-extinction in Britain due to excessive culling but now one of the country’s most iconic rodents is making a comeback. A small community of wombles, whose natural habitat is Wimbledon Common in the 1970s, have been sighted and the litter-loving rodents are being tipped to make an appearance at Glastonbury. Great Uncle Bulgaria and the gang, who released four gold-selling albums back in the day, are set to reform to play the Avalon Stage at the iconic festival on June 26. The last-known domestic womble died in captivity at Twycross Zoo after contracting myxomatosis.

A SAD git who collects milks bottles has rejected an offer of £80,000 for the lot from, what we can safely assume is, an even bigger sad bastard.

EGGED ON

Steve Wheeler, 61, has scoured farmyards around the world for 25 years as part of his hobby… which sounds suspiciously similar to the activities of several blokes we know from the West Country.

EASTER has already been taken too far, frankly all we care about these days is how many chocolate eggs we can eat in the one day.

“I’d never sell my collection – it means too much to me,” said sad Steve from Malvern. “It’s worth a lot of money but I don’t even have it insured. If the bottles get broken or stolen, they can’t be replaced.”

And now the same can be said for meerkats at a safari park in Stirling.

KUNG FOOLS FIGHTING IT’S a sad fact that while the rest of the world was in media meltdown because two toffs decided to get married last week, real news stories were being pushed off the front pages and brushed under the carpet. So it’s likely, for example, you never heard of the shocking racist behaviour that led to the arrest of 34-year-old pub singer, Simon Ledger, on the Isle of Wight this week. The reason he was led to the cells? He was singing Kung Fu Fighting in a bar when two Chinese people walked past. What a bastard.

WOM LOVE

“We were performing Kung Fu Fighting, as we do during all our sets,” recalled big racist Simon. “But this lad walking past with his mum called us wankers and did the hand sign before taking a picture on his mobile phone. We hadn’t even seen them when we started the song. He must have phoned the police.” Police eventually dropped the charges against Ledger but not before The Sun had a f eld day, even going so far as to get the original singer of Kung Fu Fighting, Carl Douglas, to do a duet of the song with the pub singer in a Chinese restaurant. No really.

The eggs they got, however, were ostrich eggs filled with meal worms. What a treat. We wonder if the meerkats know anything about Jesus to even be allowed to celebrate Easter. Gary Gilmour, manager of Blair Drummond Safari park, said: “It was just a wee bit of a treat for them.”

A UK judge has spared a thief from the slammer because of his cat. Shoplifter, Steven Thorne, was instead hit with just a £75 f ne after his lawyer informed the courts that no one would feed his cat if imprisoned. We doubt having a hungry pussy at home waiting would work as a viable defence here in Australia.

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UK NEWS MOUTHING EXTREMITIES TIME to grab your bits and wince boys. A Newcastle mum has been charged with grievous bodily harm this week after biting off her boyfriend’s bollocks. Ouch-ey!

OF all the reasons to give the authorities for pulling up in a no parking zone, you’d think ‘because my leg fell off’ would be a pretty good one.

Maria Topp, 43, allegedly munched on the marbles of Martin Douglas at his f at on February 18.

It wasn’t good enough for Nottingham City Council, though, who gave a £70 parking ticket to a disabled bloke who stopped on double yellow lines when he realized part of his false leg was missing.

She appeared in court to plead not guilty this week but was granted bail until her trial next month. In other news, sales of titanium underpants have shot through the roof on Tyneside.

CANNON AND FALL CALL us Mr Fussy, but if we were about to get blasted out of a giant cannon in front of 2,000 people, we’d make damn sure the safety net we were being f red into was in full-working order. Sadly, this advice came too late for tragic Cornish stuntman Matt Cranch who, as part of a human cannonball routine, was f red 50ft into the air towards a safety net – which was broken. In a scene that sounds suspiciously like the start of a episode, Matt

NO LEG ROOM

“I was only gone for five minutes,” said Lee Scarrott, who should surely be facing the more serious charge of driving while legless.

even gave a thumbs-up and wave to the 2,000strong crowd at Newquay as he climbed a ladder into the giant gun. Hundreds of children chanted “5-4-3-2-1” and “Fire!” before a puff of white smoke exploded at the back of the cannon and the tragic performer was launched, in every sense, towards the heavens. For taste reasons, we won’t go into detail to describe what happened next but it involves the words “head-f rst”, “ground” and “like hitting an over-ripe melon with a sledgehammer”.

THERE’S A CUE ROUND THE BACK A WELSH amateur footballer spent f ve days in hospital last week after a teammate rammed a pool cue up his arse. No really. Things got out of hand at Tenby AFC’s end of season party after a few too many pints in the pool room. “We’d all had a few drinks when one of the lads did a moonie. A player picked up a pool cue… and it all went wrong from there,” said a wincing friend of the 37-year-old victim. A 29-year-old was arrested but released without charge. Still it could have been worse. He could have gone for the pink instead of the brown.

PREM CLASS PREMIER Inn, BBM’s cheapo hotel chain of choice for shagging birds without the missus finding out, has cocked up it’s latest TV advert, with the whole thing littered with spelling errors. When showing the various places in Britain with Premier Inns, the Isle of Wight becomes the Isle of White, Scarborough is spelt Scarbough and Peterborough suffers a similar cock-up. Livingston also gains an extra “e”. A spokesperson for the chain said: “The latest Premier Inn advert starring Lenny Henry was produced by our advertising agency. We are rectifying the spelling mistakes immediately.” It is the first-recorded instance of Lenny Henry doing something funny in almost two decades. For the record “doing something funny” doesn’t include shagging Dawn French.

Think you’re funny and could write stories for BBM? Why not give it a go? We’re always on the look-out for talented contributors. Email us at info@what-media.com 24

BBM-606 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

UK NEWS A TUN OF TROUBLE IF EVER a city needed a masked vigilante to dish out justice to the scum that infects its crime-ridden alleys and dark places, surely that city is Royal Tunbridge Wells.

AN unhealthy obsession with daffodils… doing ungodly things with leaks…Robbie Savage. We already knew Wales was home to Britain’s biggest bunch of oddballs but now it’s official.

Finally it seems the downtrodden citizens of the heritage-listed Kent spa town have had their Bonnie Tyler-inspired calls for a hero heard, with the news that another nutjob has watched Kick-Ass too many times and gone fusion-style superhero on our ass – mixing the good old-fashioned useless British tradition of the Neighbourhood Watch scheme with the covert martial-art assassins of ancient Japan to create… Ninja Watch. “It is my aim to help people,” said the scheme’s masked 25-year-old creator. “I am inspired by Neighbourhood Watch, which people seem to have forgotten about. So I’ve created Ninja Watch. The message I want to get across is about people sticking together and reporting incidents.” Tales of the mystery man’s deeds have spread far and wide among the locals of Tunbrige – as you’d expect when some ma niac in a ninja outfit starts hanging around the post office.

WALES IN THE NIGHT

According to local police, the Welsh county of Powys is a hotspot for supernatural activity with reports of 26 ghosts, 20 UFOs, 11 witches and even two vampires in recent years, while officers were also called out to two ‘zombie spottings’.

His crimefighting exploits so far include: KAPOW! Returning a lost cat to its owner . BAMMO! Helping some old ladies across a street. BOFF! Scaring some undesirables off from a street corner. JISM! Crying while he masturbates in his bedroom because he can’t get a girlfriend.

One of the sightings turned out to be a character from a horror movie being filmed nearby but, in fairness, if you’ve ever been out in Cardiff on a Saturday night it’s easy to see how someone could get confused.

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IRISH NEWS WEEDKILLER QUEEN IF SHE arrives by plane, the Queen will get a good idea how certain sections of the Irish community feel about her visit next month after a random vandal used weedkiller to burn the words “Fuck the Queen” into the grass at Fairyhouse Racecourse in County Meath. Amusingly, it’s suspected the message could have been there for several days because it’s only visible from a signif cant height. Peter Roe, the acting racecourse manager, said they were not aware who had done it but suspected it may have occured three to four days before the Irish Grand National, which was held last week. “I think it is sad that people are still so stuck in the past, that they might try to damage the reputation of the Irish horse racing industry by trying to get across what are totally outdated views that don’t represent the views of anybody really left in Ireland,” he grumped.

LEO’S IN FECKING HELL THE only thing liberal about Leo Varadkar, the youngest minister in the Cabinet, is his use of the word feck. The 32-year-old’s career is on the rise but he claims his social life has been in terminal decline since his appointment as Transport, Tourism and Sport Minister. “It’s actually very hard to go out because I’m just too feckin’ well known,” the single 32year-old said. “Pubs, nightclubs are desperate, especially people with a bit of drink on them. They want to talk to you and introduce you to their friends. Ah, it’s just a nightmare. A feckin’ nightmare. I’ve to leave the country to get peace.” And with lingual skills like that, it’s good to know the country’s future is in safe hands.

NAZI PIECE OF WORK FOR a mere three-million euros, you and your family can goosestep your way into the former house of a Nazi criminal which is currently on sale in County Waterford. Peter Menten bought the house a decade before he was arrested and tried for the mass killing of Polish jews in 1941. For those interested; the mansion boasts tranquil surroundings and is elegantly furnished with looted art. 28

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WACKY IDEA LOCAL authorities have been slapped on the wrist for their ‘Wacky Races’ approach to speed limit signs – often putting 80km/h signs right before a treacherous bend or dangerous junction. Road safety experts have been warning that inappropriately high speed limits, coupled with the absence of stop and yield signs, are to blame for many fatal crashes. In one picture on the Department of Transport website, two 80kmh signs are posted on either side of a narrow, potholed road just before a bad bend. “It is clear the road cannot be driven at these speeds and the user should be slowing down,” says the website. Other outdated traff c management systems used by local authorities include painting the side of a mountain to make it look like the entrance to a tunnel and putting up an arrow sign just off the main road saying “short cut” that leads to a steep cliff. When asked for a comment, a local authority spokesperson said: “Mutley you snickering hound! Do something!”

IRELAND ISLANDS THE one benef t of Ireland’s economy going down the shitter is it’s never been cheaper to buy bits of the place. Apparently there are three islands for sale just off the coast of Ireland with the cheapest, the four-acre Mannions Island in picturesque Dunmanus Bay in west Cork, under the hammer for only 150,000 euros at www.privateislandonline.com “Ireland has a lot going for it - friendly locals, rocky hills, farmland and afternoons telling tall tales at the local pub. The soil and streams are the cleanest in Europe,” boasts the website.

WORLD NEWS WALK THIS WAY IT’S all fun and games until someone gets hurt. A San Francisco rebel who spat in the face of authority has paid the ultimate price for his bad-boy antics.

According to reports he was often seen entering in exits, driving in bus lanes and blocking f re exits with his briefcase. He had it coming really.

A f fty-year-old rule-breaker has died after trying to walk up an escalator the wrong way.

Studies show that Germans are spending so much time drinking that they have even started to smoke less.

According to witnesses, the man fell on the escalator after his clothing got stuck in the machinery. Police say his clothing and hair were caught and he was pronounced dead shortly after in hospital.

After the men in blue broke down her door, they were shocked to f nd the intruder responsible for all the ruckus.

According to reports from the German Centre for Addiction Issues one in f ve people aged 18-64 have a problem with alcohol. Binge drinkers are doing their bit to improve statistics with the incidents of alcohol poisoning rising by 112 percent between 2000 and 2009.

Snap.

NEIGHBOURS to a 28-year-old female in Berlin complained last week to police about a rampant noise coming from her apartment while she was out.

IN news that shocked and stunned everyone in the BBM off ce, research shows that four out of f ve Germans do not have a drinking problem.

Depending on how you look at it this could be good news.

itself on and was buzzing on the f oor.

“Alcohol consumption remains conspicuously too high, too risky, with too many consequences,” said director Raphael Gaßmann as he chugged back a beer bong.

BBM agrees with the police that the device was clearly possessed and must have come from the depths of hell. Susan Boyle, that is.

It was a vibrator that had somehow turned

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WORLD NEWS FACE-TO-FACEBOOK BEFORE you leave your husband and plan to move across the world to be with a man you’ve never met, you should probably check that he is a real person and not a f ctional character created by someone who has too much time on their hands. Lonely heart Paula Bonhomme was in an internet relationship with Jesse James for 18 months before he died tragically from liver cancer.

who she spoke to on the phone each day were f ctional. Game, set, match, voice-altering software! The deranged blogger responsible (pictured) is battling it out in court, claiming that as it was f ction they are not liable. This would never happen to BBM. We just blow and then turn the webcam off.

He also died before she realised that he and his twenty friends and family members

Then again, we didn’t go to a special ed school. Two teachers from the same school are being charged after they were caught having sex with under age students.

teachers at the same school. Fisher is charged with sending sexy photos to a 15 year old student before having sex with him, while Shepherd is accused of having a threesome with two students in the back of her car. “Just ‘cause they’re retards doesn’t mean they can’t be hot,” offered Fisher.

Bethyl Shepherd, 34, and Marie Fisher, 21 were both employed as special education

CHRISTIAN radio stations are generally quite used to witnessing sex acts. It’s not every day though that such an act involves neither a minister or a child. No wonder they called police. Homeless man Donald Destin is being held in custody after entering a Christian radio station without permission, jerking off, threatening to rape the presenter and then running away.

An American chemist is on his way to inventing a chocolate sundae that’s good for you. Ingolf Gruen from the University of Missouri says that, while there are already some “functional” ice creams available, none compare to his multi-functional treat. Talking to DairyReporter.com, Gruen claimed his ice cream will contain probiotics, f bre and anti-oxidants. In other news, someone reads DairyReporter.com. “What? There’s no pig fat in this Sundae?” said one angry super-sizer as he sucked the fat out of his wife’s veins.

SPECIAL NEEDS WHEN BBM was at school we weren’t even allowed to beat off in the toilet, let alone have a threesome with a teacher in her car.

GOOD news for the morbidly obese!

All this while the show was live on air. If BBM knew this shit happened we’d tune in more often. The sex maniac has quite the resume after having been convicted of burglary, criminal mischief, indecent exposure, frequenting a brothel, trespassing and stalking.

SOMETIMES it takes the strangest circumstances for someone to discover that they’re Jesus Christ. For BBM it was the realisation that we had a slight attraction to sandals. For American Robert Guitierrez it came while watching an episode of The Jeffersons. Maybe Jesus was black. Psychopath Jesus called police to report that Sandra Barrios had drunk herself to death in his apartment. Usually when people drink themselves to death they’re bruised beyond recognition. And it’s rare that they’ve broken 17 ribs and sliced up their own face. But we digress. When police found a bloody walking stick in the man’s closet and discovered he was a paranoid schizophrenic who thinks he’s Jesus the case was quickly solved. Just think, had this happened two thousand years ago we’d all be beating people to death with walking sticks. Ah well, them’s the breaks.

BBM is currently in talks with Destin about selling off some of our sisters.

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SYDNEY WHAT’S ON

PLAYING tracks from their album Rolling Blackouts, don’t get left behind when The Go! Team take audiences on an epic audio adventure. From Sao Paulo to Seoul and everywhere in between, the world is The Go! Team’s playground and their infectious and notoriously fun live shows have galvanized the band’s reputation as an unmissable live experience. Make sure you get in quick and let The Go! Team take you on an epic Rolling Blackouts audio adventure.

TERRIBLY ironic that he’s playing at the National Institute of Dramatic Art, Roy Chubby Brown returns to Australia for the f rst time in 5 years to shock and entertain fans. Too outrageous to appear on television himself, Roy has nonetheless been a comedy superstar for over 30 years. His live shows sell out months in advance, and his DVDs sell in the millions.

When: Wednesday, May 4th Where: Metro Theatre Cost: $50

He’s the comedian who dares go where nobody else will, not just touching on but rather slamming right into topics normally considered sensitive or even taboo. He is also proudly the f rst man to get a record in the British top ten with the word ‘fuck’ in it. When: Friday, May 6th Where: Parade Theatre, NIDA Cost: $79

IN October last year, Megan Washington performed a solo set at a small club in Paris, La Boule Noire. Also on the bill that evening was an emerging American artist named Lissie. In her only headline tour this year, Washington invites Lissie to join her at this not-to-be-missed, intimate show. Act fast, May 6th is sold out. When: May 5th and 6th Where: Metro Theatre Cost: $32

PASSENGER (aka Mike Rosenberg) will return to the Australian road for one f nal time this year. For the f rst time ever with a full band, Mike will play songs from the critically acclaimed album Flight Of The Crow. Don’t miss your chance to see Passenger live for the last time in 2011 and the f rst to experience Mike Rosenberg performing with a full band. When: Saturday, May 7th Where: Oxford Art Factory

AFTER smash-hit seasons at the Sydney Festival, Adelaide Cabaret Festival and the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, Smoke & Mirrors returns to Sydney for one last time. Smoke & Mirrors splices acrobatics and magic with dazzling cabaret and taut stomach muscles, creating a lavish and lyrical theatrical adventure. When: From May 4th Where: The Sound Lounge, Seymour Centre Cost: $70

GET ready to rock as three heavy metal legends are sent from the US to make your ears bleed. Quiet Riot became an overnight sensation thanks to Cum On Feel the Noize, while Warrant’s albums have achieved sales of over ten million and L.A. Guns have been playing for over twenty years now. When: Sunday, May 8th Where: Metro Theatre Cost: $90

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MELBOURNE NEWS OWNER THROWS HISSY FIT WHENEVER BBM sees a man collapse we do the right thing and carefully step over them. But then again, none of these people has ever owed us thirty bucks. That would surely change things. Dumping house owner Kevin Tian acted quickly when a customer in his Melbourne restaurant collapsed after suffering a seizure. As the man was being loaded into the ambulance Tian handed over the bill. “My opinion is that they ate in our restaurant, they have to pay,’’ he said. Tight-arse customer Bella was furious, “it was just so inappropriate; I will never go there again.” “Good,” said Mr Tian. “Then I won’t have the clean your friend’s dribble off the f oor. And I can keep my strobe light.”

GUMMY GRAN FORGET mouthwash, cough syrup or a Cherry Ripe, a Melbourne woman has come up with a new excuse for drink driving. After being pulled over by police in St Kilda East and recording a reading of 0.052 the woman argued that she was on her way to try out her new teeth on KFC. As it was her second offense in ten years she automatically lost her license. Presumably last time she was heading out to try out her new hip at the McDonald’s playground. Later, with her teeth out, the gummy Grandma offered police her version of a double down, “I don’t bite!” she whistled.

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MELBOURNE Melbourne is one of Australia’s most popular cities, known best for its niche art and music scene. Salted with some of the greatest underground DJ’s, vocal artists, venues, and visited by some of the biggest artists of all time, the city is never without nightlife. You and your mates are guaranteed a good time, good eats, and good memories. Whether you are lucky enough to live in Melbourne, or are just in town for a visit, there are heaps of cool places to see and things to do. And, being the expert of all things that are great, BBM has compiled a list of places to go and events that are a must-do. If you missed our f rst look at Melbourne’s must-see venues, check out last week’s issue of BBM.

RED BENNIES What’s better than a night out with friends? A night out with friends and feathers. With a different performance every night, Red Bennies is a matchless live music and performing arts venue. Showcasing music with roots in soul, funk, disco and jazz and a multitude of performing arts including cabaret, circus and burlesque, Red Bennies isn’t just another hang out. The large single room space has multilevel platforms, raised seating and a mezzanine, in the style of traditional jazz clubs, to allow every visitor to clearly see the djs and performances, no matter where you are seated. Inf uenced by classic art deco theatres and cocktail bars, the burnt orange and amber walls set against the sweeping curtains and multiple bars offer the perfect environment to take in

twisted circus show, get loose to a rambunctious jazz band, try out a few cocktails, enjoy mouth watering tapas, and create your own mayhem.

THE ESPLANADE HOTEL This no frills grunge style themed bar is always loud and kicking. Adoringly known as the “Espy”, the bar is a milestone of Melbourne’s music and drinking scene. The grungy style attracts a mixed crowd of fanatics- hip young things, drinkers, and yes, even the elders who just enjoy being in the cool atmosphere. No fancy junk or pinky f ngers up here- the Espy is all about sticky carpets, sweaty live music, playing pool or drinking in the front bar and enjoying the remarkable views of Port Phillip Bay. After a hard night at the Espy you will want to return to the scene of the crime for the best hangover breakfast. Plus, if you are at the venue around the right time, you may be able to get your mug on telly and test your music trivia knowledge as SBS f lms RocKwiz regularly at the Espy. Admission to the front bar is free; there may be a cover charge for bands and comedy performances in the Gershwin Room.

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WHAT’S ON Cut Copy MELBOURNE’S pioneers of white disco-light, Cut Copy, have well and truly announced their return to the scene with the worldwide release of Zonoscope, the band’s third and most ambitious album to date.

The Cat Empire THE youngest Aussie band to turn ten, The Cat Empire celebrate the 10th anniversary of their f rst show by re-visiting the venues they worked their way through as they gained fans and playing chops; from the small jazz clubs, crazy late night party rooms, to the pubs, concert halls and theatres.

Come this week, the Cutters boys will galavant our fair nation unleashing upon audiences nationwide their brand new live show that will surely see the masses with hands-in-the-air rejoicing in a choir of unison to these future-pop gems. When: Thursday, May 5th Where: Palace Theatre Cost: $49

The band’s ten year anniversary is a home-grown success story, which shows that a combination of hard work, great songs, a good vibe, a genuine vision, and a little bit of luck go a long way. May 4th: Bennetts Lane Jazz Club May 5th: The Night Cat May 6th: Palace Theatre May 7th, 1pm: The Corner Hotel May 7th, 8.30pm: The Corner Hotel

JEBEDIAH will launch their highly anticipated new album Kosciuszko at this show following a long break from recording. Forming over f fteen years ago, the band has cemented itself among some of the biggest names in Australian music. Most recently Jebediah played at the 2011 St Kilda Festival, which was attended by 420,000 people. When: Friday, May 6th Where: Corner Hotel Cost: $25

FROM Sao Paulo to Seoul and everywhere in between, the world is The Go! Team’s playground and their infectious and notoriously fun live shows have galvanized the band’s reputation as an unmissable live experience. The band returns to Australia for Groovin’ the Moo and their Rolling Blackouts Tour. When: Tuesday, May 10th Where: Corner Hotel Cost: $46

PLEASE NOTE: Not Quite Cabaret plays The Red Bennies on May 4th and 11th. It’s a must-see, so visit redbennies.com for details and tickets.

EASYSTAY GROUP Motel rooms from $89 per night. Studio Apartments from $99 per night. Come and stay in Sunny Seaside St. Kilda and bring the kids. Up to 2 children under the age of 12 can stay free of charge when sharing with full paying adults. Close to Luna Park and St Kilda Beach Reception is at 63 Fitzroy Street, St Kilda Ph: 1300 301 730 stay@easystay.com.au www.easystay.com.au * Valid until 31 August 2011. Offer is subject to availability and not valid over peak or event periods. Picture is of a studio apartment

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PERTH WHAT’S ON

FROM Perth... Scotland, Alestorm play an infectious blend of folk and power metal, but with a unique piratical twist. They’re setting sail to Australia on an epic quest to slay posers, drink beer, and steal our land of its metallic riches.

IN the biggest tour involving a caravan since An Ewok Adventure, Carus Thompson takes his latest album, Caravan, on the road in full band mode. When: Friday, May 6th Where: Settlers Tavern

When: Tuesday, May 10th Where: Amplif er Bar

AFTER a summer spent playing many major festivals, Hungry Kids of Hungary have embarked on another tour, taking in many dates in regional Australia and heading overseas for SXSW and Canadian Music Week. When: May 5th Where: Prince of Wales $18 Cost:

May 6th Indi Bar $20

May 7th Rosemount $20

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB 1 Holdsworth Street, Fremantle

ROSIE O’GRADY’S 205 James Street, Northbridge

ROSEMOUNT 459 Fitzgerald Street, North Perth

DURTY NELLY’S 397 Murray Street, Perth

THE NEWPORT HOTEL 2 South Terrace, Fremantle

MURPHY’S IRISH PUB 43 Mandurah Terrace, Perth

ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW 55 Lake Street, Northbridge

THE SHED 69/71 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge

HOTEL ROTTNEST 1 Bedford Avenue, Rottnest Island

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QUEENSLAND WHAT’S ON

Darwin Deez

Cairns Blues Festival

THE delightfully bohemian Darwin Deez, return to our shores with their deliriously fun, lo-f tunes.

THE third annual Cairns Blues Festival is set to, once again, take place in the gorgeous surrounds of Fogarty Park on the Cairns Esplanade.

Raised in North Carolina on a diet of Weezer, Nirvana and Nada Surf, Darwin found a niche in New York, performing at the legendary Sidewalk Café in the east village, the same café responsible for launching artists such as Regina Spektor, Adam Green and Kimya Dawson.

Running across two stages there will be non-stop action from start to f nish with thirteen performers, headlined by Ian Moss and Eric Bibb.

When: Thursday, May 5th Where: The Zoo Cost: $45

When: Saturday, May 7th Where: Fogarty Park

TOMMY Dean is described as the comic with “more spin than Shane Warne.” His laconic style and foreign insights into Australia have proved to be incredibly popular with audience across the nation.

LIVERPOOL trio The Wombats will soon be back on Australian shores, performing at the Groovin The Moo Festivals and their own headline shows around the country. When: May 3rd and 5th Where: The Tivoli Cost: $63

When: May 5th - 7th Where: Sit Down Comedy Club, Paddington Cost: $30

ON their last visit to Australia, The Drums gained a new legion of head bopping, hip shaking, dancing fans who witnessed their performances.

DATAROCK have done everything from tearing the roof off Coachella to playing Yo Gabba Gabba and now they’re back for Groovin’ the Moo and will be partying it up with special headline shows along the east coast.

Now they’re back to show us just how much they’ve grown, so don’t miss out.

When: Wednesday, May 4th Where: The Zoo Cost: $44

When: Wednesday, May 4th Where: The Hi-Fi Cost: $50

FROG N TOAD BAR HOP EVERY WED & FRI NIGHT

Heading to Cairns and want to save $$ If you are - you’d be crazy not to check out :

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QUEENSLAND THE GOLD COAST MUSIC SCENE THE Gold Coast may be best known for its sunny disposition and glorious golden beaches, but there is more to Australia’s sixth most populous city than first meets the eye.

SURFERS PARADISE BEER GARDEN

Though first spotted by Captain James Cook way back in 1770, the first part of the Gold Coast to be named was Mermaid Beach back in 1823 when explorer John Oxley parked his boat “Mermaid” on the shore.

In 1925, the renowned hotel entrepreneur Jim Cavill arrived on the scene and created the legendary Surfers Paradise Hotel. Over the decades it has evolved into one of the Gold Coast’s most iconic venues and 84-years on, the Surfers Paradise Tavern is still home to the locals and visitors and the heart and soul of Surfers. It’s the last remaining authentic rock venue in Surfers Paradise. It’s a tradition.

By 1875, the Gold Coast had already started its transformation into a high class tourist destination for Brisbane residents. However, it was in 1925 that Jim Cavill founded the Surfers Paradise Hotel and the Gold Coast became the celebrated destination it is to this day.

Surfers Paradise Tavern boasts the famous Beergarden, the home of the best live music on the Gold Coast. Having undergone a multimillion dollar refurbishment just two years ago, The Beergarden is back and better than ever.

While the touristic side to the Gold Coast still dominates, the local music scene has been burgeoning in recent years. With the area’s current largest musical export taking the shape of popstrels Operator Please, there has been a move recently away from the formerly DJ heavy scene. On the festival circuit, Big Day Out, Blues on Broadbeach, Green Day Out, and Good Vibrations are amongst the list of festivals that now visit the city. It appears that the Gold Coast may be ready for a musical explosion that could put it firmly on the map.

THE LOFT Found in the middle of Chevron Island, The Loft is a quirky French chalet that plays host to both local and touring acts. Only just out of the earshot of Surfers Paradise, The Loft is a haven at the heart of the Gold Coast scene. With a strong European theme central to CONTINUED ON PAGE 46

Australia’s Gold Coast Choose YOUR OWN adventure in Australia’s playground

Spectacular!

HAVE YOU HEARD G G G G G

visit www.adventureGC.com 44

Get back to nature

Catch some rays C

70 kilometres of coastline 300 days of sunshine per year 22°C /72°F average temperature 500 cafes, restaurants and bars 100,000 hectares of World Heritage Rainforest Australia’s biggest range of theme parks and attractions

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Most savvy travellers think they know what to expect on the Gold Coast; brilliant beaches, super Surfers Paradise nightlife, theme parks galore and the best looking talent in the country. But only a plucky few explorers uncover more than the travel guides are willing to admit. How’d they miss 100,000 hectares of world heritage rainforest, 500 kilometres of canals, the year round water sports or the sacred indigenous landmarks? Perhaps they just weren’t up for the challenge. Choose YOUR OWN adventure in Australia’s playground.

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OCEANS Y OUTH & E CO ADVEN T U RE H

OSTELS

DORM

BEDS BEDS DORM

$27

FROM FROM

per person

per maxperson 4 ppl

DOUBLE ROOM PRIVATE ROOM FROM FROM

$75

An island escape on the mainland

max share 2 ppl twin

THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËTwo Pristine Pools ËSpa ËFree WiFi

ËBBQ Facilities ËGames Room ËOceans Bar & Grill

twin share (max 2 ppl)

ËEnsuite with Mini-fridge ËTV & DVD Player in the Chill Room ËShopping Centre & Supermarket next door ËTour Booking Service

BAREFOOT LODGE LONG ISLAND

Airlie Beach Hostel DORM BEDS FROM

$27

per person

max 4 ppl

PRIVATE ROOM

Barefoot Lodge guests have full access to the Long Island Resort’s facilities

FROM

$75

THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËSwim-up Pool Bar and Lap Pool ËAmazing Beach frontage ËSpa ËFish/Bird Feeding

ËGames Room Ë20 kms of Rainforest Walking Tracks ËDaily Activities and Nightly Entertainment ËSnorkelling

ËWatersports (additional charge) ËTour Booking Service ËFan Cooled Rooms ËTennis

Free Call:

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twin share

max 2 ppl

Cairns

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LONG ISLAND BAREFOOT LODGE

Townsville Airlie Beach

CLUB CROC HOSTEL

QUEENSLAND the venue’s appeal, The Loft doubles as a relaxing restaurant and bustling boozer. With a grand piano tucked away in the corner, The Loft has been known for its many impromptu sessions from aspiring musicians. However, it really comes to life on Thursday and Friday when the tables are moved out to make room for the beats to kick in.

THE COOLANGATTA HOTEL Perfectly located on the beachfront at Coolangatta, the hotel offers a mix of contemporary f nishes coupled with rustic furnishings that make customers feel relaxed and at home, whilst enjoying the excellent service of professional staff. Boasting two levels with ocean views, the hotel has something for everyone - featuring multiple entertainment areas including the 1000 capacity band room with consistent national and international acts, main bar with weekly free live entertainment, the balcony, new Infusion Vodka Lounge, outdoor beer garden, Crave Restaurant and extensive TAB and gaming room.

THE SOUNDLOUNGE Tipped as The Gold Coast’s premier live music venue, The Soundlounge is an intimate space with a big draw. Having hosted everyone from Sarah Blasko to Angus and Julia over the past few years, the 300 capacity venue gives a chance to get up close to some big names. With a relaxed bar environment, The Soundlounge is an unassuming space that allows the music to do the talking.

HARD ROCK CAFE On 14 June 1971, the Hard Rock Cafe was born in London. The opening of the new venue would be a precedent to a worldwide phenomena. A fusion of culinary experience and entertainment ensured the cafe would be at the top of everyone’s to do list. Since then, the Hard Rock Cafe has become a global phenomenon and one of rock n’ roll’s most beloved institutions, housing a supreme collection of music memorabilia.

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• FREE Evening Meal • FREE Linen • FREE Parking • FREE Gymnasium • FREE Tour Advice • FREE Internet (1hr per guest*)

• FREE Airport pickup • Air-conditioned rooms • Ensuites in EVERY room type • Massive lagoon swimming pool • Great Central City Location! • VIP Discounts for Inhouse Guests throughout the Venue

57 – 89 Grafton Street, Cairns 4870

*Conditions apply: 3 night cap. Excludes Budget 8's & 10 share dorms - valid to 31/10/11

OFF

QUEENSLAND Located right in the heart of Surfers Paradise and just two blocks from gorgeous beaches, Hard Rock Cafe Gold Coast is the ultimate rock n’ roll experience serving up an internationally acclaimed menu, Queensland’s only Hard Rock Shop and Queensland’s only Rock ‘n’ Roll Museum. To boot, the Hard Rock Cafe stays at the forefront of the local music scene, offering acts the chance to perform to the punters.

THE GOLD COAST ARTS CENTRE Every city has an arts centre which is dedicated to the promotion of arts within a community. By def nition, the Arts Centre boasts an unbiased, diverse approach to musical presentation. With the ability to bring everyone from high school bands to internationally acclaimed musicians to their stages, the Arts Centre is more than just a community service.

GOLD COAST CONVENTION AND EXHIBITION CENTRE While many of the smaller venues offer the chance to catch the best of the homegrown bunch, the Gold Coast Convention and Exhibition Centre is in place to do as what good arenas do - bring the big names to a big stage for a big show.

UNDARA Australia is more notorious for its unique wildlife and outback experiences than it is for its bustling cities. While Syndey may have landed itself on the places to visit list due to its globally recognised harbour, many a visitor to these shores is seeking a non-city based experience that they can talk about for years to come. Though Queensland may be best known for its reef, golden beaches and rainforest, the area has more than crisp sunshine on offer. The Undara Volcanic National Park is one of Australia’s greatest geological wonders. It boasts the best-preserved and largest lava tubes system on earth, offering an unforgettable experience to satisfy the appetite of both adventurer and eco-traveller. If there was a statement that could summarise the Undara experience, it would be “ you have to get lost to f nd yourself.” CONTINUED ON PAGE 50

"The epitome of Surfers Paradise... one big bundle of Backpacker Heaven... an emphasis on fun and frivolity and staff that love to party!" Lonely Planet 2008

THE ONLY HOSTEL

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QUEENSLAND With a name that translates from the aboriginal as “a long way”, Undara is the epitome of the Australian outback. Luckily nowadays, Undara is located just a short f ight from Cairns (or if you prefer a historic train ride or scenic half-day drive). Notable for its lava tubes and gem fossicking, Undara gained acclaim for the diversity of minerals found within its grounds, with topaz, moonstone, gold and peridot amongst its many treasures. The area also boasts the remains of the Earth’s longest f ow of lava to be sourced from a single volcano. With 164 volcanoes in the surrounding area, it is believed that the tubes were formed as a result of an explosion some 190,000 years ago. Though only a rough estimate, it is claimed that around 23-billion cubic metres of lava was released over an area of just 55 square km. Nowadays, Undara is at the heart of pristine tropical savannah woodlands, offering a unique back to nature experience, notably the opportunity to see f rst hand Microbats and Night Tigers. While the Undara experience takes you back to nature, the area is of equal note for its diverse range of accommodation on offer.

While you are able to be at one with the wildlife and camp, perhaps the most notable option is the chance to sleep in restored railway carriages. While the carriages are now luxury bedrooms, with en-suite bathrooms, the opportunity provides a chance to connect with a part of Australian heritage. Regardless of whether you opt for the security of a warm bed or the chance to snuggle in a sleeping bag, the Undara Experience is designed to help with an understanding of the outback living experience. While the setting in itself speaks volumes, the evening wildlife walks and geological tours take you that extra step towards bushlife. For those who wish to fuse the contemporary with the classic, Undara is home to two music festivals a year - Opera in the Outback or Outback Country Rock and Blues – which only serve to heighten the area’s appeal. Be it a walk in the park or a chance to trawl through some volcanic tubes, Undara is an experience like no other.

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OCEANS Y OUTH & E CO ADVEN T U RE H

SUNLOVER

OSTELS

REEF CRUISES

Discover the Real Reef

$130

INTRODUCTORY

SCUBABEDS DIVE DORM

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per person 4 hours of reef fun!

per person

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CERTIFIED PRIVATE ROOM SCUBA DIVE FROM FROM

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Shortest travel time…longest play time!

twin share

maxperson 2 ppl per

THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËTravel to the reef on board our air-conditioned Catamaran ËSnorkelling equipment provided ËInformative presentation hosted by our marine naturalist ËOn-board touch tank to experience marine life up close

ËDelicious chef-prepared buffet luncheon featuring fresh seafood, hot dishes, salads and fruit ËGuided coral viewing from our semi-submersible craft and glass-bottom boat

FERNTREE Hostel

Cape Tribulation DORM BEDS FROM

$27

per person

max 4 ppl

PRIVATE ROOM access to Ferntree Rainforest Hostel guests have full the Ferntree Rainforest Lodge facilities THE OYEAH! FACTORS:

ËTwo Swimming Pools ËMini-Fridge in All Rooms ËBBQ Facilities

ËVolleyball Court ËTV Lounge ËTour Booking Service

FROM

$75

twin share

max 2 ppl

ËClose to Food Store and Pharmacy ËShort walk to PK’s Jungle Bar ËCassowary Cafe – Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner FERNTREE RAINFOREST HOSTEL SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES

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RECRUITMENT

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Sydney Jobs

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MEDIA SALES CONSULTANT $22 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLES)

CLAIMS $22 PER HOUR (3 MONTH ROLES)

Our client is a newly established on-line media agency seeking a number of experienced outbound call consultants to join their small but busy North Sydney media team.

Leading Australian Insurance company requires reliable travelers for contract role;

You will possess; â&#x20AC;˘ Excellent communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ Highly motivated individual â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Friendly personality This is a great role calling an existing client base. Full training provided.

â&#x20AC;˘ Must have Insurance Claims experience, Home & Content preferred â&#x20AC;˘ Strong Microsoft Office and communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ CBD location â&#x20AC;˘ Young and friendly team, nice offices â&#x20AC;˘ $22 plus super â&#x20AC;˘ Start now for 3 months with a view to extend to 6 months

TELESALES CONSULTANTS $21 PER HOUR

ACCOUNTS PAYABLE/RECEIVABLE $24-$26 PER HOUR

Our Client is seeking experienced Telesales Consultantâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s with the following criteria:

Do you have accounts payable/receivable experience?? We have clients in the city seeking candidates for immediate start.

â&#x20AC;˘ Minimum of 6 months call centre experience â&#x20AC;˘ English fluency â&#x20AC;˘ Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity â&#x20AC;˘ Strong experience with an aggressive sales attitude â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Financial Services Background would be a Bonus

The ideal candidate will; â&#x20AC;˘ Thrive in a busy environment â&#x20AC;˘ High attention to detail â&#x20AC;˘ At least 2 years experience â&#x20AC;˘ Ability to prioritize workload Assignments are up to 6 months paying $24-$26 an hour. To apply for these roles please email your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Already have a job and want more money? Call 1300 freespirit to ask us about LAFHA.

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JOB LISTINGS

AUSTRALIA

THINK YOU’RE FUNNIER THAN US? BBM is looking for some new contributors. Want to get you work published in a National magazine and website whilst earning concert tickets, bar tabs, free travel trips, etc. Email ben. harlum@what-media.com or call 02 8231 7706

MELBOURNE PROMOTIONAL STAFF. call centre work available to promote electricity and gas. simple work and great money. full time training provided - no experience needed. melbourne work only. call Jerry on 03 9867 6322

TO ADVERTISE CALL

ON (02) 8231 7701

SYDNEY

Call Centre - Travellers Wanted! Our Client is seeking travellers with fantastic customer service and sale skills for a 6-8 temp assignment. Your role will be generating leads on behalf of a well established global client through warm and cold calling. Paying $22 Plus Super If you think you are right for the role then please send your detailed resume to tc@freespirit.com.au

DATA ENTRY POSITIONS AVAILABLE NOW!

Working Holiday Makers needed for our EASTERN SUBURBS OFFICE. Must be Enthusiastic, have a Good Typing Speed, and able to Follow Instructions. Full Training Given. Paid Weekly. Call Steve Now on 1300 657 362

INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT

is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: Warehousing, Labouring, Stores, Process Work, Green card and safety boots are an advantage – however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email sarah@ industriousrecruitment.com.au or contact Sarah @ (02) 9270 5257

HAIRDRESSER REQUIRED

NO WEEKENDS!!! Flexible Hours - Busy City Salon - Great Salary - Travellers Welcome CONTACT SUE ON 0409 091 343 OR (02) 9299 4748 email: sydneyhairandbeauty@ yahoo.com www.sydneyhairandbeauty.com

DATA ENTRY OFFICER – TRAVELLERS WELCOME!! Our Client is seeking an experienced Data Entry Offi cer with the following criteria: Minimum of 1 year work experience. English fl uency. Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity. Not on Student Visa. If you believe you are the right candidate for this role please forward your resume through to mailto:tc@freespirit.com.au

TELEMARKETERS – SMILE WHILE YOU DIAL! Working Holidaymakers needed for our EASTERN SUBURBS OFFICE. Must be enthusiastic, confi dent, well spoken and able to follow instructions. No experience necessary - Full training given. Base + Commission + Bonus Paid Weekly. Call Steve Now on 1300 657 362

ACCOMMODATION

SYDNEY

Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms in the heart of the city. Dorm beds single $40 per night or $180 per week, double rooms $80 per night OR $320 per week. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

Potts Point – CLOSE TO CITY. Large Studio in garden complex. Close to Kings Cross station. Suitable for a couple. Fully furnished and equipped with everything you need including TV, linen, crockery, microwave etc. $375pw. Call 0425286445

DARLINGHURST BUDGET. NEWLY RE-FURBISHED SHARE ACCOMMODATION - Rear of 433 Liverpool Street, Darlinghurst. Corner of West Street. Central location, close to all amenities yet quiet. $160 P/P P/W + $200 Bond. All bills + WIRELESS INTERNET included. Fully furnished rooms in share house. 7 rooms - 2, 3 or 4 person share. Laundry, Kitchen, lounge/TV room. For appointment to view call Louise between 9am-7pm on 0402 034 119.

MELBOURNE FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park. Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

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JOB LISTINGS

219 Croydon ATTRACTIVE LADIES

WANTED Busy day time parlour Guaranteed big money Flexible shifts Immediate start Please call or text

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219 Elizabeth St Croydon

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ADULT EMPLOYMENT

KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road.

Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Training provided Discreet, Paid daily Flexible hours Foxtel and internet access for staff Friendly Female management Located in the heart of Sydney Earn $150+ per hour

NO SEX

www.sirs.com.au 80 ERSKINE ST. SYDNEY CBD

Female Masseurs Required $115 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team

92997771 (02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills www.nirvanasydney.com.au

261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au

BBM-606 // CLASSIFIEDS

GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN!! BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE!! Female Masseurs required $115 p/hr Full training provided Immediate Start Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team

(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES

135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay www.atmichelles.com

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY

SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL

428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

THE ROYAL HOTEL

370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS

MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE

BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

HUNTER VALLEY HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

KATOOMBA

KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

BYRON BAY

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au

NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS

NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE

LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE

TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad THE DECK 117 Harcourt St New Farm Brisbane 0433777061 the_deck@live.com.au Designed with the working Traveler in Mind Minimum 2 week stay BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433 BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

GOLDCOAST AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com SURF N SUN BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS

3323 Surfers Paradise Blvd, Surfers Paradise, Gold Coast, QLD 4217 Ph: (07) 5592 2363 Free Call 1800 678 194 info@surfnsun-goldcoast.com www.surfnsun-goldcoast.com

TREKKERS BACKPACKERS 22 White Street, Goldcoast, QLD, 4215 BOOKINGS FREECALL : 1800 100 004 info@trekkersbackpackers.com.au www.trekkersbackpackers.com.au ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au

NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

DREAMTIME TRAVELLERS REST 4 Terminus Street (corner of Bunda st.& Terminus st.) Cairns 4870 Queensland Ph:0740316753 info@dreamtimehostel.com www.dreamtimehostel.com GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

HERVEY BAY

MISSION BEACH

SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800 www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

NOOSA

NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au

ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

WHITSUNDAYS

BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH

MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1199 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au

BBM-606 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE

Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

RAINBOW BEACH

PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH

WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS cnr Marine Parade & Eric St Cottesloe Beach Ph: 08 9384 5111 stay@oceanbeachbackpackers.com www.oceanbeachbackpackers.com ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966 madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au

OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA

MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

KUNUNURRA

KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

BROOME

BEACHES OF BROOME 4 Sanctuary Road, Cable Beach, Broome, WA, 6725 Ph : 1300 881 031 bookings@beachesofbroome.com.au www.beachesofbroome.com.au

VICTORIA MILDURA REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP

BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au

www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30

BBM-606 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

Australia

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com

Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

BACK OF CHAPEL 50 Green St, Windsor Prahran, Vic 3181 Ph: 03 9521 5338 www.backofchapel.com NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com

$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au

ST. KILDA

OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au

Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply

APOLLO BAY

APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

HINDMARSH ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS

CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au MAJESTIC MINIMA HOTEL 146 Melbourne Street North Adelaide SA 5006 Ph:(08) 8334 7766 minima@majestichotels.com.au www.majestichotels.com.au OUR HOUSE BACKPACKERS 33 Gilbert Place, Adelaide, SA, 5000 Ph: 08 8410 4788 Fax: 08 8410 6288 info@ourhousebackpackers.com www.ourhousebackpackers.com

JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand CHRISTCHURCH

CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN

BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new fl ashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakefi eld Stree Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off fi rst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off fi rst night if you mention this ad

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfi ji.comwww beachcomberfi ji.com THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fi jibeachouse.co www.fi jibeachouse.co

SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfi ji.com Skype name: Smugglers Cove HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachfi ji.co

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandfi ji com THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacifi c Harbou P.O.Box 416 Pacifi c Habou Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.fi jinadibayhotel.com NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj

BBM-606 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

TOURS & ACTIVITIES SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS 1 Pathfinder Drive, Caloundra Airport, Sunshine Coast, QLD Ph: (07)54 370 211 or 04 18 776 775 bookings@sunshinecoastskydivers.com.au www.sunshinecoastskydivers.com.au

COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com

The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au

Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au

Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

NEW ZEALAND

SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz

SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS

Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

FIJI

SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

SKYRAIL RAINFOREST CABLEWAY Cnr of Captain Cook Highway and Cairns Western Arterial Road, PO Box 888 Smithfield, Queensland, 4878 Ph: 07 4038 1555 Fax: 07 4038 1888 mail@skyrail.com.au www.skyrail.com.au OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.

BBM-606 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

GOING SOUTH

Four days, two famous Aussie icons, one awesome tour Ph: 1800 009 858 www.goinsouth.com.au

TEMPTATION DOLPHIN SWIM Marina Pier, Holdfast Shores Marina Glenelg SA 5045 Ph: 0412 811 838 Fax: (08) 8353 0750 info@dolphinboat.com.au www.dolphinboat.com.au

RAFTING

AUSTRALIA

OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au

Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au

HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA

BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au

KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA

KITESURF 1770 / IKO CER TIFIED KITEBOARDING SCHOOL/CENTRE 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@kitesurf1770.com.au www.kitesurf1770.com.au KITE REPUBLIC Shop: 10-18 Jacka Blvd. St.Kilda Sea Baths Complex, St.Kilda 3182 Melbourne, VIC Ph:(03) 95370644 Mob: +61 418583233 info@kiterepublic.com.au www.kiterepublic.com.au

MARINE CHARTERS AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE BAY CHARTERS 2 Jubilee Drive Port Lincoln, SA, 5606 Ph: 04 8842 8862 info@adventurebaycharters.com.au www.adventurebaycharters.com.au

KANGAROO ISLAND MARINE CHARTERS 9 Chapman Terrace, Kingscote, Kangaroo Island, SA Ph: 0427 315 286 Fax: 08 8553 0016 www.kimarineadventures.com

KAYAKING AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE KAYAKING 7 Hastings Street, Glenelg South, SA Ph: (08) 8295 8812 bookings@adventurekayak.com.au www.adventurekayak.com.au

BIKE RIDING AUSTRALIA

ESCAPE GOAT Adelaide, SA Ph: 08 8121 8112 0422 916289 info@escapegoat.com.au www.escapegoat.com.au

JET BOATING

NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET

The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

AUSTRALIA

JET BOAT EXTREME Behind Titanium Bar Ferny Avenue Surfers Paradise Queensland Ph: 0755388890 Mob: 0404099981 info@jetboatextreme.com.au www.jetboatextreme.com.au

ROLLERBLADING

SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Chris@surfingaustralia.com http://www.surfingaustralia.com Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience

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CRYSTAL BALLS

Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week

Gemini

Not that we’re judging you, but

Capricorn

YOU might as well face it,

you need to get a life.

IF you really must go into the

dancing is not your strong

sea it’s probably best you

point. In fact, Stephen Hawking

All that cuteness is going to

stay away from those strange

could probably kick your ass in

end up rotting something vital

white boats that keep popping

a dance-off.

in your head. We suggest you

up on the horizon from time

watch a Nightmare on Elm

to time.

Your best bet of getting lucky

Street marathon to balance

is to stand on the edge of the

it up.

Aries

to non-committal nods to the

Libra

state of your waistline, they

music.

YOU will discover the joys of

could pose a threat to your

jet-boating. Unfortunately, you

well-being.

SO, your best mate has suddenly become a Rugby

Either that, or plaster a huge,

won’t discover them until after

League fan, despite having no

idiotic grin across your face

the ride’s finished, meaning that

Best cut down on the all

knowledge of how the game

and hope sheer foolish bravado

you will cause several other

McDonald’s diet, porkster.

works.

gets you laid.

passengers to go temporarily deaf by screaming every time

Aquarius

He has also discovered he’s

Cancer

the boat hits a slight bump or

WELL done for dropping your

a lifelong fan of St George

IT’S time you faced up to the

you get your feet slightly wet.

key down that drain. In one fell

Illawarra, despite not knowing

fact that your weekly Saturday

where it is or if it’s even a real

night football marathons aren’t

Scorpio

you’re an idiot and that you

place. Nothing to do with last

doing you any good.

HAVE you noticed that every

can’t catch.

swoop you’ve proved both that

single one of your mates back

year’s title win, then. Doesn’t it worry you that you’re

home has told you ‘bring me

You’re going to have fun getting

Best thing you can do is learn

sleeping through the day and

back a kangaroo’ and thought

back into your place now.

all their chants and follow him

only going to bed at 5am after

that they were being really

Try pole-vaulting in through a

everywhere endlessly repeating

West Brom v Stoke’s finished?

funny and original by saying it?

window.

them until he gives up out of

Or that lack of sunlight is

exasperation.

making you turn the colour of

Teach them a lesson by mailing

It won’t work but we’ll make

sour milk?

them one. They won’t be

sure we give you a mention in

laughing when they’re being

next week’s magazine.

Taurus

They might just be Japanese whalers and, given the current

dancefloor restricting yourself

YOU will meet a short, squat

Leo

chased round the house by a

stranger with teeth like he’s

GLAD to see you’re making use

huge, hopping marsupial.

spent the last 20 years chewing

of your free time. We’re sure the

a mouthful of dirty sand.

ladies will be impressed with

Sagittarius

taxi ride home? Why not try

your new-found ability to light

SICK of your job? Time to go

getting into a fight?

He will challenge you to play

up a ciggie using only your feet

out in style. You’ve always

frisbee and make you and your

but it’s probably not going to

wanted to see what would

Pretty soon your free ride will

mates look crap, despite being

open up any new and exciting

happen if you sat on one

turn up, sirens blaring, and take

40 years older than you.

career paths for you.

of those wheely chairs and

you off to a cell or a hospital

used a fire extinguisher like a

where you can have a night’s accommodation.

Pisces STUCK for cash and need a

He will now be there at

Virgo

jetpack, so now’s your golden

the beach every day and

WE saw you coming out of

opportunity.

persistently stalk you, frisbee in

seeing Mars Needs Moms at

hand. Best find somewhere else

the cinema the other day. Don’t

If your boss objects, make him

once though, or they might

to hang out on your day off.

try and deny it.

eat foam.

throw away the key.

Don’t try this one more than

BBM-606 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ASK CRYSTAL as it’s gone a bit greenish and is

‘what if it happened to a kid?’ is

Dear Chris,

starting to smell funny but that’s

always good leverage.

DO I look like I surf? The best I can come up with is my standard

going to cost money I don’t have. What do I do? Ed, Sydney

As for the leg, it’ll probably be

advice. If something’s too hard to

better for your pulling chances if

do at first … cheat.

you just let it drop off.

Dear Ed,

First, get hold of an ironing

YOU could well be a genius. A

Dear Crystal,

board, cart it down to the beach

Dear Crystal,

stupid one, admittedly, but you

NOT sure if you’re the best

and set it up in the surf. Then

SCREW the credit crunch, I’ve

might just have set yourself up

person to come to for advice,

stand on top and wave your

got my own financial crisis. I’m

for the rest of your time in Oz.

but I don’t know who else to go

arms around like you’re trying

to. I need to get good at surfing

to balance. To the stupid eye,

really quickly.

you’re a fully-fledged surf dude.

more broke than a dropped fishbowl and now I’ve got an

First things first, get on the

added problem.

phone to your landlord. The average landlord is a callous

Every day at the beach there’s

Of course, to anyone with half a

I’ve just been left with a gaping

bastard who’ll be only too happy

an obscene number of bronzed

brain it’s obvious you’re faking it,

hole in my leg. That wouldn’t be

to take your whole deposit off

Goddesses gliding effortlessly

but the average surf bimbo only

so bad if I’d got it in a cool way

you for the tiniest bit of damage.

across the surface of the water.

has about a quarter.

accidentally shattering a ceramic

You’ve got to strike first and get

Every day I try to join in and end

toilet roll holder with my knee

him so worried you’re going to

up going arse-over-tit before

getting out of the shower.

sue that he throws money at you

eating sand. Can you help?

I should probably get it looked at

to make you go away. The line

like fighting a shark, but it’s from

Chris, Cronulla

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail Crystal via. editor@britishballs.com

JOKES TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS

I WAS at my mate’s stag night when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. “Drink it” they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull. Fosters. John, Croydon THE kids at school used to call me four eyes. it was quite a creative nickname as I, I, I, I have a stutter. Timothy, Perth A SECURITY guard stopped me at the airport last night. He said: “Do you mind if we search your luggage?” I said: “It depends, what for?” He said: “Drugs.” I said: “In that case, no.” Terry, Bondi I DON’T think I could ever f st someone up the ass. I’m pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there. Thomas, Brisbane MY little boy asked for a pet. So I stroked his head and said: “There you go, now fuck off.” Jimbo, Cairns 64

I’VE just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven’t done a gig yet. Jack, Bondi I WENT into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman working there if they had any ghost costumes. She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.” Silly cow, they’re not that scary. Peter, Coogee ARSENAL: The only team that can f nish third in a two-horse race. Jimmy, Edgecliff I’LL never forget the day I came into the world. I got expelled from school for sticking my cock in a globe. Todd, Coogee MY girlfriend’s going to be really happy with me. I’ve told her to stay in and polish my medieval battle re-enactment uniform while I go to the pub with the lads. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour. Ted, Townsville BBM-606 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

3>11:4;A?1 backpacker MELBOURNE .com.au

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Bragging Rights

SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE PlWDL+/-Pts Manchester United34211033973 Chelsea3420773767 Arsenal34181063164 Manchester City3317882159 Tottenham Hotspur3314136855 Liverpool34157121252 Everton3411149547 Bolton Wanderers34121012146 Fulham3491510442 Stoke City3412616042 Newcastle United34101113141 Sunderland34101113-1041 Aston Villa34101113-1241 West Bromwich Albion34101014-1540 Birmingham City3481412-1738 Blackburn Rovers349817-1535 Blackpool349718-2234 Wigan Athletic3471314-2334 Wolverhampton Wanderers349619-2333 West Ham United3471116-2232

Tables do not include Friday night’s results.

LEAGUE 1

CHAMPIONSHIP PlWDL+/-Pts Queens Park Rangers44231653885 Norwich City44221482480 Cardiff City442310112579 Swansea City44228142174 Reading44191692573 Nottingham Forest441815111269 Millwall441813131767 Burnley44181313567 Leeds United44171512966 Hull City44161612464 Leicester City4418917363 Watford441613151061 Ipswich Town4417819-559 Portsmouth44151217-657 Middlesbrough44151118-656 Bristol City4415920-854 Coventry City44141119-453 Barnsley44131318-1252 Derby County44131021-1049 Crystal Palace44121121-2247 Doncaster Rovers44111419-2347 Sheffi eld United4411825-314 Scunthorpe United4412527-4041 Preston North End4491223-2639

PlWDL+/-Pts Brighton and Hove Albion44281064694 Southampton43258104183 Huddersfi eld Town4424119288 Peterborough United44229132675 Milton Keynes Dons FC4421815571 AFC Bournemouth441913122270 Leyton Orient44181313967 Rochdale44171314764 Exeter City44181016-964 Brentford4417918-460 Carlisle United44161117359 Colchester United44151415-559 Charlton Athletic44151316-258 Sheffi eld Wednesday441691915 Hartlepool United44151019-1855 Tranmere Rovers44141119-853 Oldham Athletic44121715-853 Yeovil Town44141119-1453 Notts County4414723-1349 Walsall44111221-1945 Dagenham & Redbridge44111122-1644 Bristol Rovers44111122-3344 Plymouth Argyle4315721-1742 Swindon Town4481422-2238

LEAGUE 2 PlWDL+/-Pts Chesterfi eld4423138328 Bury442311103480 Wycombe Wanderers442014101574 Shrewsbury Town442013111973 Accrington Stanley44171891669 Stevenage Football Club441814121968 Gillingham441717101468 Torquay United441717102367 Rotherham United441614141362 Port Vale44161414162 Southend United44161216860 Oxford United44161216060 Crewe Alexandra441611171659 Aldershot Town44131813-357 Morecambe44131219-1351 Macclesfi eld Town44131219-165 Cheltenham Town44131219-2051 Bradford City4415623-2151 Burton Albion44121319-1449 Hereford United44121517-1648 Lincoln City4413823-3247 Northampton Town4491916-1146 Barnet44111221-1845 Stockport County4491322-4640

OTHER LEAGUES

FOCUS ON... LEAGUE TWO AS Man United boss Sir Alex McTaggart famously said of the f nal weeks of the season, it’s “squeakybum time” and where better to judge England’s gastro-centric problems than the arse-end of professional football. The race to avoid relegation from the Football League will end in just over a week and unlike Katie Price, it’s pretty tight down there. That doesn’t apply to rock-bottom Stockport, however, as they’re fucked from every angle – and therefore very much like Katie Price. Instead it’s a question of who’ll join them in the murky underworld of non-league football that’s proving the big puzzler.

Anyone from Burton, Hereford, Lincoln, Northampton and Barnet could be heading south. Strangely, none of those clubs actually play each other in the run-in and while the remaining f xtures aren’t particularly tough for any of them, it’s Barnet who look most precarious with an away game against playoff hopefuls Accrington Stanley followed by a f nal do-or-die match with Port Vale. However, considering Northampton couldn’t even beat Stockport last week and the fact that Lincoln have a goal difference so negative it makes Jose Mourinho look like a pie-eyed attacking optimist, we suspect there’ll be a sting in the tail somewhere along the way...

SERIE A PlWDL+/-Pts AC Milan3422843774 Internazionale3420682266 Napoli3420592065 Lazio34186101460 Udinese34185112259 AS Roma3416810556 Juventus34141191053 Palermo3415514-350 Fiorentina34111310446 Genoa3412913-145 Cagliari3412814044 Bologna34111013-1240 Chievo3491213-339 Parma3491114-1138 Cesena3491015-1337 Catania3491015-1437 Sampdoria3481115-1235 Lecce349817-2035 Brescia347918-1630 Bari344921-2921

SCOTTISH PREMIER PlWDL+/-Pts Rangers3426354481 Celtic3325535280 Heart of Midlothian3418881662 Dundee United3415109555 Kilmarnock3413813447 Motherwell3413615−745 Inverness Caledonian Thistle33101112441 Hibernian3410717−1637 St. Johnstone3481016−2434 Aberdeen349520−2032 St. Mirren347819−2329 Hamilton Academical3431120−3520

BBM-606 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

LA LIGA PlWDL+/-Pts FC Barcelona3328417188 Real Madrid3325535380 Valencia CF3319681663 Villarreal CF33176101257 Athletic Bilbao3316314451 Atlético Madrid33147121049 Sevilla FC3314712249 RCD Espanyol3314316-645 Levante UD3312615-942 RCD Mallorca3312615-1042 Sporting Gijón33101112-641 Real Sociedad3312219-1438 Deportivo La Coruña3391113-1438 Getafe CF3310716-1037 Racing Santander3391014-1737 Real Zaragoza339915-1336 Málaga CF3310617-1936 Osasuna339816-435 Hércules CF339618-2033 UD Almería3351117-2626

FOOTBALL RESULTS Thursday, 28 April Uefa Europa League Benfi ca 2-1 Brag FC Porto 5-1 Villarreal ---------------------------------------------------------Wednesday, 27 April Uefa Champions League Real Madrid 0-2 Barcelona Barclays Premier League Fulham 3-0 Bolton ---------------------------------------------------------Tuesday, 26 April Uefa Champions League Schalke 04 0-2 Man Utd Barclays Premier League Stoke 3-0 Wolverhampton Scottish First Division Queen of South 0-1 Ross County Scottish Third Division Elgin 0-1 Clyde ---------------------------------------------------------Monday, 25 April Barclays Premier League Blackburn 0-1 Man City Npower Championship Barnsley 2-2 Doncaster Bristol City 2-3 Nott’m Forest Burnley 1-1 Portsmouth Crystal Palace 1-0 Leeds Leicester 4-2 Watford Middlesbrough 2-1 Coventry Norwich 3-2 Derby Preston 0-1 Cardiff (Preston are relegated) QPR 1-1 Hull Reading 2-3 Sheffi eld Ut Scunthorpe 1-2 Millwall Swansea 4-1 Ipswich Npower League One Bournemouth 2-1 Bristol Rovers Carlisle 0-1 Leyton Orient Charlton 3-1 Rochdale Colchester 1-1 Brighton Huddersfi eld 2-1 Dag & Red Notts County 1-1 Brentford Oldham 1-1 Walsall Peterborough 2-2 Yeovil Plymouth 1-0 MK Dons Sheff Wed 3-1 Swindon (Swindon are relegated) Southampton 2-0 Hartlepool Tranmere 4-0 Exeter Npower League Two Barnet 2-2 Oxford Utd Bradford 2-1 Aldershot Burton Albion 3-3 Torquay Chesterfi eld 2-3 Bur (Bury are promoted) Lincoln City 0-2 Cheltenham Macclesfi eld 0-0 Southen Morecambe 1-1 Hereford Rotherham 0-1 Gillingham Shrewsbury 0-0 Accrington Stanley Stevenage 1-0 Port Vale Stockport 2-2 Northampton Wycombe 2-0 Crewe Clydesdale Bank Premier League Hamilton 1-1 Aberdeen St Johnstone 0-3 Inverness CT Blue Square Bet Premier Eastbourne Boro 2-0 Bath City Fleetwood Town 1-0 Barrow Forest Green 0-0 AFC Wimbledon Grimsby 0-1 Altrincham Histon 0-4 Luton Mansfi eld 3-2 Gateshea Newport County 0-1 Crawley Town Rushden & D’mnds 2-1 Kidderminster Southport 1-1 Darlington Wrexham 4-2 Tamworth York 0-0 Cambridge Utd ---------------------------------------------------------Sunday, 24 April Barclays Premier League Bolton 2-1 Arsenal Clydesdale Bank Premier League Hibernian 1-1 St Mirren Rangers 0-0 Celtic ---------------------------------------------------------Saturday, 23 April

BBM-606 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM `

Barclays Premier League Aston Villa 1-1 Stoke Blackpool 1-1 Newcastle Chelsea 3-0 West Ham Liverpool 5-0 Birmingham Man Utd 1-0 Everton Sunderland 4-2 Wigan Tottenham 2-2 West Brom Wolverhampton 1-1 Fulham Npower Championship Cardiff 2-2 QPR Derby 2-4 Burnley Hull 2-4 Middlesbrough Millwall 4-0 Preston Portsmouth 0-0 Swansea Sheffi eld Utd 3-2 Bristol City Watford 1-0 Barnsley Npower League One Brighton 1-2 Southampton Bristol Rovers 2-2 Charlton Rochdale 2-3 Carlisle Swindon 1-2 Notts County Walsall 1-1 Sheff Wed Yeovil 2-2 Bournemouth Npower League Two Accrington Stanley 3-0 Bradford Aldershot 1-2 Burton Albion Cheltenham 0-1 Macclesfi el Gillingham 2-4 Barnet Hereford 0-2 Shrewsbury Oxford Utd 0-0 Chesterfi eld Port Vale 1-2 Stockport Clydesdale Bank Premier League Dundee Utd 4-2 Kilmarnock Hearts 3-3 Motherwell Blue Square Bet Premier Altrincham 1-3 Newport County Barrow 0-2 Grimsby Bath City 2-1 Histon Cambridge Utd 1-0 Hayes & Yeadin Darlington 2-1 York Gateshead 0-1 Wrexham Kettering 2-1 Forest Green Luton 3-0 Eastbourne Boro Tamworth 0-1 Southport Scottish First Division Dunfermline 2-1 Raith Rovers Partick Thistle 2-0 Morton Queen of South 2-2 Cowdenbeath Ross County 0-1 Dundee Stirling 1-2 Falkirk Scottish Second Division Airdrie Utd 2-4 Livingston Alloa 1-2 Stenhousemuir Brechin 0-1 Forfar Dumbarton 1-2 Ayr Peterhead 0-2 East Fife Scottish Third Division Arbroath 4-1 Montrose (Arbroath are champions) Berwick 1-1 Clyde East Stirling 2-1 Elgin Queen’s Park 2-1 Albion Stranraer 1-1 Annan Athletic ---------------------------------------------------------Friday, 22 April Npower Championship Coventry 1-1 Scunthorpe Doncaster 0-0 Crystal Palace Leeds 0-0 Reading Nott’m Forest 3-2 Leicester Npower League One Brentford 1-1 Colchester Dag & Red 0-1 Plymouth Exeter 2-0 Oldham Hartlepool 1-1 Tranmere Leyton Orient 2-1 Peterborough MK Dons 1-3 Huddersfi el Npower League Two Bury 1-0 Lincoln City Crewe 2-1 Morecambe Northampton 2-2 Rotherham Southend 1-0 Stevenage Torquay 0-0 Wycombe

FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS! CHECK out BBM’ s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.pr emierleague.com for all the latest r esults and standings. T able below was up to date at time of going to press.

Prizes

(in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $500 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100

# TEAM MANAGER GW

TOT

1 alovelycupoftea James Horrocks 59

1980

2 Stop, Hammertime! Paul Steadman 63 3 Dizzying Heights FC Siva Iyer 58

1892

4 every week you dan magee 59

1880

5 Alan’s Deep Bath jason kerley 60 6 TippytappyFC Richie Egan 81 7 Alcohol Fc Ron f 43

1918

1852 1835

1792

8 ur ma’s athletic brian o gorman 87

1763

9 Holy-family ‘B’ team Pat Mustard 57

1754

10 The Roosters Steven Cairns 74

1748

11 Insert Name Here Utd Richard Gadsby 62 12 Mukin Fagic Luke Gately 57

1732

13 bobby dazzlerz tom mcelwain 76 14 Arsenal Brian Harvey 91

1729

1716

15 Evertonian John Armitage 34

1708

16 Dinamo Kraken Tom Hopkins 84 17 fi sty cuffs fc Marc Roche 69

1707 1699

18 Rootin & Tootin Oisin Coveney 44 19 Tallulah Neil Weaver 54

1737

1698

1696

20 Ozzies Allstars *** James Osborne 51

1685

---------------------------------------------------------Wednesday, 20 April Barclays Premier League Chelsea 3-1 Birmingham Tottenham 3-3 Arsenal Clydesdale Bank Premier League Kilmarnock 0-4 Celtic Scot-Ads Highland Football League Fort William 2-4 Deveronvale Huntly 1-2 Formartine Utd

New Entry Ranking Increased Ranking stayed Ranking Fell the same

WORLD SPORT LEARN TO WEED AND FIGHT BOXING: The career of your average professional sportsman doesn’t last too long so it’s understandable why they would want to explore other money-making avenues for when they retire. Take European lightweight title challenger Kevin Mitchell for example. It was revealed this week that he’s been exploring outside business opportunities with his mum after the pair were busted by cops for alleged possession of cocaine and running a cannabis farm. “These are serious allegations but when we have heard from Mitchell’s solicitor, the Board will decide what to do,” said a British Boxing Board off cial. “Can we take away a f ghter’s licence? Once we know the full facts, it is possible but everyone is innocent until proven guilty.”

RUGBY UNION: Gloucester nutcase Olivier Azam can now add “headbutting” to a disciplinary list that includes “eye gouging” and “kicking” after being banned for four weeks for chinning Northampton’s Adam Eustace. The 36-year-old professional maimer was initially banned by the RFU for six weeks, but the sentence was reduced in light of “his genuine remorse, plea of guilty and good conduct at the hearing”. We can’t believe they fell for it either. “We were also aware that he is likely to retire at the end of this season and may already have played his last game of professional rugby,” said RFU disciplinary off cer Jeff Blackett, shortly before Azam stamped on his testicles.

Mitchell was too busy ‘blazing shit up’ for comment.

FLETCH LIVES CRICKET: Duncan “Barrel O’Laughs” Fletcher (right) will be bringing his zany sense of humour to the subcontinent after being appointed head coach of India. Michael Vaughan, the former England captain who formed a close bond with Fletcher during their most successful period, tweeted: “Great coach who will work well with [India captain Mahendra] Dhoni. Duncan will work well with all the talent. “His biggest challenge will come from the media. He has never really understood how it works.”

ATHLETICS: As if being threatened with prison on corruption charges wasn’t bad enough, now Suresh Kalmadi – the disgraced former chief of the 2010 Commonwealth Games – has been handed the ultimate insult. Someone has thrown a shoe at him. Kalmadi was being taken to court when the unidentif ed would-be assailant struck. The man jumped in the air and threw a slipper at the Games chief, but missed. He was then detained by police. On a lighter note, Kalmadi’s off ce in the western city of Pune was ransacked overnight by protesters.

No shit Michael.

TITANIC VICTORY DARTS: Imagine that scene at the start of Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio yells “I’m the king of the world!” at the front of the ship. Now replace Leonardo with an overweight partial-alcoholic, and instead of the bridge of the Titanic imagine a darts oche. Then you’ll have something close to what Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor looked like this week following his 8-3 crushing of 888.com Premier League rival Gary Anderson. “The royals are celebrating and so am I. I’m still the king of the oche!” said Taylor, pictured. 68

EVENTING: It’s not very often we report on eventing and the horsey set here at BBM but we were simply compelled to bring you news from the toff world this week. Apparently, British Eventing believes it has the f ve “very rare, absolute world-class combinations” required to challenge for gold at the London 2012 Olympic Games following their performances at the Bamdinton Horse Trials. The reason we’re telling you this? One of the riders is called Piggy French. Piggy fucking French. We shit you not.

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FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

WEEKEND FIXTURES Saturday 30th April Barclays Premier League Blackburn Rovers v Bolton Blackpool v Stoke City Sunderland v Fulham West Brom v Aston Villa Wigan Athletic v Everton Chelsea v Tottenham Hotspur npower Championship Leeds United v Burnley Coventry City v Reading Derby County v Bristol City Doncaster Rovers v Leicester Hull City v Crystal Palace Ipswich Town v Preston Millwall v Swansea City Nottingham Forest v Scunthorpe Sheff eld United v Barnsley Watford v Queens Park Rangers npower League 1 Exeter City v Plymouth Argyle Brentford v Southampton Brighton v Huddersf eld Town Bristol Rovers v Sheff Weds Dagenham v Carlisle United Hartlepool United v Bournemouth Leyton Orient v Tranmere Rovers MK Dons v Notts County Rochdale v Peterborough United Swindon Town v Oldham Athletic Walsall v Charlton Athletic Yeovil Town v Colchester United npower League 2 Accrington Stanley v Barnet Aldershot Town v Rotherham Bury v Wycombe Wanderers Cheltenham Town v Shrewsbury Crewe Alexandra v Stockport Gillingham v Macclesf eld Town Hereford United v Bradford City Northampton Town v Stevenage Oxford United v Lincoln City Port Vale v Morecambe Southend United v Burton Albion Scottish Premier League Motherwell v Rangers Aberdeen v Inverness Hibernian v St Johnstone Kilmarnock v Hearts Sunday 1st May Barclays Premier League Birmingham v Wolves Liverpool v Newcastle Arsenal v Man United Man City v West Ham Scottish Premier Celtic v Dundee Utd

THE GREEN, GREEN GRASS OF STOKE Soon-to-be FA Cup runners-up Stoke City want Tom Jones to re-record terrace favourite ‘Delilah’ as their FA Cup f nal song. Jones’ agent contacted the club after fans sang the anthem during their semi-f nal win over Bolton. Professional Tom Jones lookalike, Phil Brown, is thought to be the back-up choice. Wayne Rooney has been contacted by Scotland Yard detectives and, for once, it’s got nothing to do with shagging grannies or punching people. The United star conf rmed on Twitter that off cers had spoken to him after uncovering evidence he may have had his phone hacked into by the News of the World. BBM naturally condemns any such intrusion of privacy… unless

there’s any chance Ashley Cole still has saucy pictures of Cheryl on his mobile. Schalke rout-stopper, Manuel Neuer, added several konigs to his value following his heroics in the Champions League last week but Bayern Munich still want him on the cheap. “Schalke’s management must now not come up with an astronomical sum,” said Bayern general manager Uli ‘Del Boy’ Hoeness. Sam Allardyce’s unique brand of hoofball could go global after the former Blackburn boss admitted he would consider managing in the United Arab Emirates. “If I get a professional contract presented to me, I’ll certainly give it some thought. I love that part

of the world and going on holiday there,” he come-and-get-me’d. Neil Warnock is set to implode following the news that QPR’s imminent promotion to the Premier League could be blocked by the FA due to breaking third-party ownership rules over the signing of Alejandro Faurlin two years ago. Those wacky sectarian fans at Rangers have cost the club 40,000 euros and the club has also had supporters banned from their next European away game. The charges come after the club was accused of for sectarian singing in a match at PSV Eindhoven. We doubt they were doing Goldmember impressions.

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE! with ace pundit Chris Kamara

AN 18-month-old toddler has been signed on a 10-yeardeal by a top-f ight Dutch club. VVV-Venlo snapped up young Baerke van der Meij after seeing him kick footballs into his toy box on YouTube. The club even held a press conference where the toddler signed a contract (with some help from his dad) and dressed up in the shirt of the top f ight Dutch club.

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FOOTBALL

VIEWS

THE WAIT IS FINALLY OVER NO YOU do not need glasses. After 732 minutes, the Premier League’s most expensive substitute, Fernando Torres (right) has f nally scored in a blue shirt. You know what this means? Football pundits, journalist and opposing fans are going to have to f nd something new to talk about. Three months of mocking Chelsea and their big-spending on a striker that does not score has come to an end, for now. It was more than a goal that cost £50 million, it was the moment that King Kong was f nally shaken from El Nino’s back. This goal brought a smile to Carlos Ancelotti’s face and probably a sense of relief on not having to hear the words “when will Torres score?” at every press conference again.

against a team f ghting relegation to score his f rst goal. Stamford Bridge erupted like it had just won the championship.

It had been rumoured that El Nino was a loner at Stamford Bridge, a bit of an outcast, but judging by the stack of blue bodies that jumped on him after his goal, maybe the teambonding is a little too close. If that’s what they do on the pitch, we don’t want to know what happens in the showers. All El Nino needed was large puddles of water on a pitch

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Of course if Chelsea do win the championship, they will their best striker to thank for it. He’s currently on loan at Bolton, where he’s been banging in goals for fun. We’re talking, of course, about Daniel Sturridge who helped end Arsenal’s title hopes last week at the Reebok. With El Nino f nally scoring, the Gooners are left trying to f nd something new to laugh about to get their mind off another trophyless season. However, all is not loss for Arsenal they still can beat Manchester United next week and win the Premiership ..... for Chelsea. – Lorna Evio Twitter: @sportswithheart

QUOTES OF THE WEEK “If you lose a few games some people call these silly phone-ins and say ‘they were rubbish today. They were absolutely useless’ when they weren’t even at the game, they were listening to it on the radio or out shopping with the wife. I don’ t listen to them. I t urn the radio on and put Magic FM on instead. I don’t want to listen to a bunch of idiots. They must have sad lives.” Harry Redknapp tunes out. “If we win the Scudetto I’ll dance the moonwalk dressed like Michael Jackson, maybe on the pitch.” Kevin-Prince Boateng digs out his leather strides and single white glove. “Do I want to go to United? It’s a beautiful club.” Wesley Sneijder kicks off a summer of speculation.

FOOTBALL

FEATURE

A REAL THRILLER AFTER we’d f nished laughing at the punchline that was Arsenal’s season last week, BBM decided to turn our attention to the only competition which is no longer a formality (i.e. not the FA Cup or the Premier League). We’re talking of course about the Champions League. Like being introduced to a large Spanish gentleman, this is the big one. We all know the Champions League trophy is occasionally loaned out by the magnanimous Jose Mourinho to lesser managers just so he can test himself by trying to win it back the following season. Because like football’s answer to Carol Vorderman, Mourinho is

a master of mind games. Press conferences are his Countdown studio and instead of an audience of masturbating University students, Mourinho’s fanbase is an audience of masturbating British journalists whose pens jizz forth back page headlines at his merest word. But before we push this metaphor too far (by suggesting that Ricardo Carvalho is the ‘Q’ to Mourinho’s ‘U’ for example’), we should turn our attention to the point of this article – namely that Mourinho f nally managed to turn the previously composed-as-comatose Pep Guardiola and his Barca beautiful people into expletivefrothing maniacs last week. Referring to a goal by Barcelona’s

Pedro Rodriguez in the Copa del Rey which was disallowed for offside - a decision criticised by Guardiola but which video replays showed was a correct call by the referee, Mourinho said: “With the declaration of Pep the other day, we are entering a new era with a third group [of coaches], which for the moment includes only him, who criticise the correct decision of the referee. This is something I have never seen in the world of football.” And what was the always laidback Pep’s response? Was it to do what he usually does and casually shrug off the criticism to instead talk, with a tear in his eye, about the sublime beauty of watching Lionel Messi run past some cones in training? Actually no. Instead he said: “He’s the

fucking boss. He’s the fucking master and I can’t compete with him at any instant.” Touche. Almost inevitably, the resulting Champions League El Clasico turned into El Fiasco with Barca players surrounding the referee if a Madrid player so much as thought about challenging for a f fty-f fty ball. Pepe was sent off. Mourinho was sent to the stands. Craig Foster was sent into orgasmic rapture as his beloved Barca scored twice. And, apart from Mourinho going fruit-loop, that was it. The f nal tie in the El Clasico fourway has been rendered as meaningless as an average season at Coventry. But you can bet your ass BBM will be up at stupid o’clock to watch it.

...TOP FIVE MOURINHO WIND-UPS... ON CLAUDIO RANIERI... “I studied Italian f ve hours a day for many months to ensure I could communicate with the players, media and fans. Ranieri [was] in England for f ve years and still struggled to say ‘good morning’ and ‘good afternoon.’ He has won a Super Cup, a small cup. He has never won a major trophy. Maybe he needs to change his mindset but he is too old to do it.”

ON ARSENE WENGER... “I think he is one of these people who is a voyeur. He likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, have a big telescope to see what happens in other families. He speaks, speaks, speaks… about Chelsea.”

ON ITALIAN CLUB CATANIA FC’S PRESIDENT PIETRO LO MONACO WHO SAID HE WANTED TO ‘SMACK MOURINHO IN THE MOUTH’... “As for Lo Monaco I do not know who he is. With the name Monaco I have heard of Bayern Monaco (Munich) and the Monaco GP, the Tibetan Monaco (Monk), and the Principality of Monaco. I have never heard of any others.” 72

ON FRANK RIJKAARD... “My history as a manager cannot be compared with Frank Rijkaard’s history. He has zero trophies and I have a lot of them.”

ON JOHAN CRUYFF... “Since 1996 Cruyff has been playing golf and criticising. Since 1996 he manipulated and used the power that was given to him for being a fantastic footballer. He cannot teach me to win Cups and Super Cups because I’ve already won them. He cannot teach me to win the Uefa Cup because I also have it. He cannot teach me to be European champion because I was it already. And I don’t want him to teach me how to take a 4-0 defeat in a Champions League f nal because I don’t want to learn that. Let him come to English football where he can learn that he is in the 21st century.”

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SPORT GUIDE

Contents PAGE 72 Football Feature: El Fiasco goes into mind games meltdown. PAGE 71 Football Views: With Lorna Evio.

PAGE 70 Football News: Why, why, why... is Tom Jones singing for Stoke? PAGE 68 World Sport: Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a Piggy French?

74 78

PAGES 66 & 67 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables.

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