CONTENTS ISSUE 608
The Cover SNATCH GUY’S JUNK - 6 Madonna wanted Guy to know What It Feels Like for a Girl, so she chopped off his Beautiful Stranger. Or something like that.
R PReview
Regulars
EUROVISION - 8 The advertising warlords have siezed control of the reviews page this week, so we’d like to direct you to our Eurovision preview on page eight!
Interview
Sport
FREDDIE WHITE - 12 This paddy now calls Australia home, so we had a chat on the eve of some exciting shows around town.
WHO ATE ALL THE PIES? - 80 BBM takes a step back for a large look at the porkiest footballers in the Premier League.
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GOSSIP INTERVIEWS WRAP SOAPS UK NEWS IRISH NEWS WORLD NEWS SYDNEY MELBOURNE PERTH QUEENSLAND FIJI FEATURE RECRUITMENT CLASSIFIEDS HOSTEL LISTINGS CRYSTAL BALLS ASK CRYSTAL JOKES SCOREBOARD SPORT
BBM MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon
john.mcmahon@what-media.com
EDITOR Ben Harlum
ben.harlum@what-media.com
SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby
richard.gadsby@what-media.com
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UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir
hannah.shakir@what-media.com
CONTRIBUTORS Jeremy Williams, David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Alexandra McIntyre, Ashley Moore, David Drummond, Sian Gammie, Eleni Pitman, Robin Lewis, James Stapleton, Sinead O’ Shaughnessy, Des Penny and Renee Van Kraanen Photography INTERNS Pim de Roos, Amy Bloemendaal and Sian Gammie HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard
design@what-media.com
WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber
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ADVERTISING AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Mary Atkin ADVERTISING Joe Smith
joe.smith@what-media.com
Donna Parry Alex Williams Dave Hudson ADVERTISING & PROMOTIONS MANAGER Tom Shakir tom.shakir@what-media.com
SALES AND MARKETING DIRECTOR Guchi Shakir PRINTED BY Spotpress
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GOSSIP CHOPPED COCK & TWO SMOKING BARRELS MARRIAGE. It’s all fun and games until someone gets their foreskin chopped off. Apparently Madonna (pictured, image from the 80’s) literally took the ‘cock’ out of ‘Cockney geezer’ after getting former hubby Guy Ritchie circumcised during their doomed marriage. Gawd lav a dack, right in the old meat and two veg. BBM can hardly Adam and Eve it! “[Madonna] keeps a kosher home, she observes Shabbat, she circumcised her son and had her [ex-] husband circumcised,” revealed Karen Berg, the f abby-armed botox queen’s Kabbalah adviser.
WHEN I’M 68 SERIAL monogamist Paul McCartney (pictured below) is engaged; again. Grandpa’s new bride is New York City business woman Nancy Shevell, 51, who Paul’s been dating since 2007. “I just like being in love, and I am,” he said. Right, if he’d just said that forty years ago he could’ve saved the world from a fuck-load of love songs. Hopefully this time his wife won’t die or run (hop) off with all his cash. Just sayin’.
Still, that’s the price you pay for marrying a mental pop diva. Russell Brand must be shitting himself.
ALWAYS THE BRIDESMAID, NEVER THE PORN STAR TWO points for effort. Porn king Steven Hirsch is f nally sick of missing opportunities so this time he’s thrown caution to the wind and just asked straight out. “Pippa Middleton, would you star in my next movie?” The CEO of Vivid Entertainment has offered her and her arse $5 million to work for him. Look at it this way, it’s probably more than the Royal Family will ever offer her.
DDING TCH THE ROYAL WE THE WHITE HOUSE WA
GOSSIP GONE LITTLE raccoon Taylor Momsen and fellow annoyance Jessica Szohr will not be returning to Gossip Girl for next season. Momsen (pictured) will, of course, be focusing on her other career as a role model to teenagers around the world who dream of becoming outspoken, underage little brats who sleep around but never let us see the tape. Oh, and she’ll keep singing in that band.
Surprisingly she turned down the offer. And so did brother James, but only because they only offered him $1 million. “I’ll do it!” begged Fergie.
IT’S as if Johnny Depp can do no wrong. Except when he got that “Winona Forever” tattoo. But even that worked out alright. Who wouldn’t want “Wino Forever” on their arm? As if it’s not enough to turn even the straightest man on earth. Now he has to be all nice and sweet as well. While staying at a f ve-star country manor estate, Johnny decided to ditch the fancy restaurants and hang out at the local pub down the road. The f rst night he tipped £300 for the staff. He then backed it up the next night with another £400. BBM wants to punch him a bit. And then fuck him, naturally.
Jessica, on the other hand, was just sick of getting shitty lines and acting poor. That, and pretending to be black and relevant.
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GOSSIP EUROVISION
GOOD EVENING DUSSELDORF!
IT’S the contest we all slag off, but that’s because we’re bitter that the UK hasn’t won since 1997. Hooray for Eurovision! This weekend, Europe’s elite musicians compete for the chance to recklessly spend millions of taxpayer’s money on next year’s contest. And byelite, we mean two twats from the X-Factor and a boyband ten years past their use-by date. BBM has assembled our A-Team of Euro-nut Ben Harlum, Euro-hater Alex McIntyre and Euro-newcomer Sian Gammie to look at some of this weekend’s entrants.
IRELAND: JEDWARD
THE UK: BLUE
HUNGARY: KATI WOLF
GEORGIA: ELDRINE
Sian: It’s like a life-sized sword f ght. Two cocks in unison. The best song about falling for a tranny since the Kinks did Lola.
Ben: Look, I don’t want to be mean. But this is a drag queen right?
Sian: What’s better than mutton dressed as lamb? Screaming mutton dressed as lamb! And a rapper. Double win.
Ben: These two will absolutely bomb, and it’s a joke they’re even close to being favourites.
Alex: I thought those guys died in the nineties... Ben: I always thought they sung that stupid “I’m Blue, Daboo Dee Daboo Die” song. Sian: If you like scarves, tokenism and man-cleavage then this is the song for you.
Alex: How very accepting of them. We applaud your openness Hungary, and hope you used protection.
Alex: Why does she have a megaphone? Where did all those people come from?
MALTA: GLEN VELLA
SPAIN: LUCIA PEREZ
RUSSIA: ALEXEJ VOROBJOV
GERMANY: LENA
Sian: Glen wants you to love yourself. GaGa wants her idea back. She paid Madonna a lot of cash for that.
Sian: So, someone has got a Spanish Amy Winehouse to act out her hallucinations?
Alex: Nick Carter does disco?
Ben: This song was chosen by the Germans, and is now public enemy number one (except for, you know, Nazis). Song needs to be faster, Lena needs to wear less clothes.
Alex: This is the gay anthem of Ibiza in 2011. This shit would go off.
Alex: I’m pretty sure Spain keeps the “running of the bulls” bulls in this woman’s mouth when they’re not needed.
Ben: He looks like a Disney prince. He’ll get votes from the desperate women watching. Sian: Your chest hairs will fall out just watching this.
Alex: There was a song playing?
The Eurovision f nal airs Sunday night on SBS. The album of this year’s entrants is available now.
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INTERVIEW
dandys rule, ok?
Since releasing the world’s catchiest anti-heroin song in 1997, The Dandy Warhols have been everywhere; from your favourite television show to multiple tours across Australia, which has become a second home for the band (and in the case of drummer Brent De Boer, his f rst). On the eve of their upcoming Australian tour, BBM’S BEN HARLUM caught up with Peter Holmström.
Most people are familiar with your commerical-sounding tracks but you’re also very experimental at times, do you enjoy playing the more diverse sounding tracks? Yeah, I do. Anything that’s a bit of a challenge these days is a bit exciting for me, but nothing really beats the reaction of playing Bohemian or Junkie or any of the hits. Are you conscious of changing things up when you come back to tour, especially when Parklife was only a couple of months ago? We’re always conscious of making it a little bit different but it seems like the same beast, even when we go to extremes. We are what we are and thankfully people keep coming back, we must be doing something slightly right. I read an interview where you said that Thirteen Tales... was the last album you rehearsed songs for before hitting the studio. What’s the process like now? For the record we’re working on at the moment, everybody brought ideas in and then individually we came into the studio and played our parts. Then we’ll send our tracks down to Australia to Brent, he’ll play drums, sing some harmonies and send it back, so it’s kinda wacky. Tuesday, May 24th: Perth, Metropolis Fremantle Thursday, May 26th: Adelaide, HQ Friday, May 27th: Melbourne, The Palace
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I also read that Courtney has taken a step back from the songwriting side of things, what’s the process like now? Brent’s brought a couple of songs in and he’s been doing a song with Zia too. I’ve been writing songs with a couple of different people, and I have some tracks I’ll bring in for this or the next record. It’s opened it up for everybody to be more involved, but while we were talking about Courtney stepping back, he had. In January though, he did work with Miles from Fastball, writing songs together which are pretty fantastic. So he’s stepped up too.
Have you been there, watching a f lm or TV show and suddenly they’re using your song? I don’t see most of them because most happen overseas. There’s some in the US but I don’t watch TV that much so I don’t see the advertisements. I do get caught by surprise every once in a while by a movie or TV show, I was just watching 24 and one of our songs was used in an episode [season three, episode 14]. You know that spot for a song in the big, romantic scene of a movie? We got that spot in a Kristen Dunst movie years ago [Crazy/ Beautiful], and it was like... whatever, it’s only a Kristen Dunst movie, but the song was actually perfect for that key moment in the f lm so that was cool. Finally, I need your support for an important cause. I think it should be mandatory to clap at the right times during We Used to be Friends.. Yeah, why not! C’Mon guys! [laughs] There’s songs like that, that make you want to clap along. I remember a General Public song that had a really cool clapping part that made me want to do a clapping song; and I guess I did in the end! Sunday, May 29th: Sydney, Enmore Theatre Tuesday, May 31st: Brisbane, The Tivoli Tickets on Sale now
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INTERVIEW FREDDIE WHITE
know? A lot of people describe Australia as being a lot like Ireland but with better weather! [laughs]
You’ve always done a lot of covers. What sort of songs do you look for? Well I think musically they have to be reasonably interesting and something I can get my teeth into. I try to capture the essence of the original and also whatever passes through me in terms of my own interpretation. That seems to get people interested as well so I’m thankful for that.
Freddie White has been a household name in Ireland for over thirty years. We’ve now been lucky enough to have him move to Australia, and we intend to keep him. Freddie talks with BBM’s SIAN GAMMIE about traveling the world and having a beer with Clapton. Ireland calls you a National Treasure. Do you reckon you’ll reach that status over here? I’ll give it a good shot! [laughs] You know, I’ve always reveled in live performance and the older I get and the more I do it, the closer I feel to people. And as a result of that, recording is nearly always a disappointment to me. So I tend to shy away from it, even though I’m in the middle of a project right now! I know you lived in Ireland and America, does moving over here feel like starting over? Well, I emigrated to America and to England as well years before that. And America really did feel like emigrating. But I don’t feel that as much this time. Maybe it’s because Australians are a lot closer to me than Americans, you
I have to ask, what was it like touring with Clapton back in the ‘70s? I bet I remember it better than he does! We decided that whatever money we made we spend on staying at the same hotels that he did which were the top hotels in Ireland. So I would come down for breakfast in the morning and Eric would already be in the bar. So I doubt he remembers much about it. But he was a total gentlemen. You can chill out with another total gentlemen at his upcoming gigs across NSW, starting on May 18 at the Brass Monkey, Cronulla and then hitting Bulli, Enmore, Windsor and Katoomba till late June. Also catch him in Victoria on May 29. His new album, Stormy Lullaby, is available now.
INTERVIEW NU: TONE
Tone Dan Gresham a.k.a Nu: r average is more than just you and a live DJ. He’s a producer years in the 15 r ove h wit r performe ry. On the ust ind s Drum and Bas tour and the eve of this Australian ord, Pommy release of his new rec to chat to Dan took some time e. BBM from back hom few gigs You’re doing quite a a few in around Australia and ect our Sydney, should we exp heads to explode? to play quite Well, you know, I tend bass, I get and m dru of ge ran a wide ords. I just rec e sam the y bored if I pla t the vibe’s kind of come in, see wha ’s into and like, see what the crowd just go from there. a Do you f nd that there’s e in tur cul sic mu live d pretty goo &B D ere wh UK the to comparison all started? one of the Compared to the UK it’s
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close to be few places that comes ntries all cou of lot a t visi I . honest drum and the like and ce over the pla ng in terms of bass scene is fairly you ablished there. how long it’s been est that Australia I always get the feeling s of a very term in UK the like lot a is ory and hist l sica mu of se sen strong well. as ure cult ty par l also a rea
so Some of your stuff is d to complicated. Is it har reproduce live? terpret it. ss I gue you have to rein feel of the the get to vibe ky It’s a tric e to it. slav a ng bei out original with it exactly as it You don’t want to play at’s the point? was on the record. Wh ds Yeah I hate when ban Me too.
do that.
ct Drum Nu:Tone’s latest proje s 2011 and Bass Club Anthem h from is available on May 20t Hospital Records. Tour Dates: th 13th May: Shape, Per urne 14th May: ESPY, Melbo ndry, 27th May: Chinese Lau Sydney
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THE WRAP SOUNDWAVE is back for another go-around with Soundwave Revolution, headlined by Van Halen - with David Lee Roth on vocals for the f rst time since 2008. Jump! Brisbane: September 24th Sydney: September 25th Melbourne: September 30th Adelaide: October 1st Perth: October 3rd
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MUSIC AFTER being conf ned to a studio for most of the year recording their second album follow-up to last year’s Hold, Hold, Fire!, Calling All Cars are being let out to play again. Sydney: May 27th, Spectrum Brisbane: May 28th, Step Inn Melbourne: June 3rd, Northcote Social Club Adelaide: June 10th, Jive
PAPA VS. PRETTY have an impressive reputation as a live act, and believe there is no better way for them to unveil their album than to recreate a sweatier version of their labours on a sticky stage under some hot lights.
FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.
Sydney: June 24th, Annandale Hotel Melbourne: June 25th, Northcote Social Club Brisbane: July 1th, X & Y Bar Adelaide: July 7th, Jive Bar Perth: July 9th, Amplif er
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AUSTRALIAN ALPINE RESORTS METEOROLOGISTS are predicting an abundance of snow in the Snowy Mountains and that’s a positive sign for a bumper 2011 season. Other promising signs, according to Matt Lowe, international reservation manager with Jindabyne-based travel company Snowy River Travel, include recent early-season falls and millions of dollars invested in new snow-making facilities. “With the Snowy Mountains only a f ve hour drive from Sydney, you also have the option of a visit to Canberra on the way,” he said. Mr Lowe said pre-booking accommodation was recommended because the mountains sold out. “If you use a local accommodation wholesaler you can take advantage of some great package deals for both on-snow and Jindabyne accommodation. “To research the accommodation options you could check out australianalpineresorts.com.au.” Snow equipment can be hired on arrival with more than 20 ski-hire shops in Jindabyne alone. The service stations both provide low cost hire with quick and eff cient service. “Staff usually have an extensive knowledge of the equipment as they are encouraged to use it at every chance.” Perisher and Thredbo are just a 35-kilometre drive from Jindabyne, but National Park entrance fees apply: $27 a car a day or $190 annually a vehicle. All two-wheel drive vehicles are required to carry chains within the national park in winter, however, f tting chains is not frequently required. “If you’re not comfortable driving in the snow you do have the option of catching the Skitube, an underground train system 20 kilometres from Jindabyne that accesses the Perisher resort. “Pre-purchasing your lift passes and ski hire as a package with your accommodation can save you time and money, so call a local supplier for the best deals. “Lessons are a great idea for all levels and are highly recommended for beginners. It’s amazing what you can do after a couple of tips from a professional.” Mr Lowe said that June and September were the most affordable months with June offering a greater chance of snowfalls while September had more sunny spring weather where you could f nd yourself skiing in a TShirt. “If skiing and snowboarding are not your thing, you can still hop in the car and head to the snow to build a snowman, or ride a toboggan. It’s an experience you will never forget.”
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SOAPS CORONATION ST. TYRONE is near breaking point following more rows with Kevin. Left alone, he looks at Kevin’s precious lift before whacking it with a spanner. Later, Kevin works in the garage under an elevated car, but the lift suddenly buckles.
EastEnders
Trapped under the car in agony, Kevin screams for help. As Kevin’s rushed to hospital, Sally is by his side, while Tyrone fears it’s all his fault. With the Websters threatening to sue the manufacturer, will Tyrone come clean?
RICKY needs a reference for his revenge on him? new job, but Phil isn’t sure he wants to give him one. Meanwhile, Mercy starts to question her true feelings for Later, Phil goes to a support Fatboy. meeting at the community centre to show Shirley he wants Finally, Tamwar goes to visit to get better - but Rainie turns Christian and Syed and tells up. them he’s on their side and will vouch for them in their adoption process. Yusef f nally pushes Masood too far, but will Masood take
Caoimhe is keen to make a commitment to Dean, but gets stroppy over breakfast. Could Dean be having a souring effect? She leaves him naked in public, leading Dean to make his debut on YouTube. Meanwhile, after a deal with Zumo, an exhausted Wayne and Pete wake up to f nd that they have been robbed, by Dolores! TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP
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HOLLYOAKS +
Emmerdale ELLA encourages Nicola to take Jimmy back, reminding her that no man is perfect.
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STE and Noah make plans for the evening, but Brendan scuppers them when he calls Ste into work.
room. Theresa realises she may have feelings for the bashful geek and is excited when there’s a knock at the door.
Bored of Brendan’s demands, Ste stands up to him - but will he live to regret the confrontation when Brendan pays a visit to Noah at Cinergy the next morning?
However, she’s shocked to f nd Ethan at the door with a bunch of f owers.
Will and Theresa turn up at the hotel to f nd they’re sharing a
Will refuses to listen and swiftly punches Ethan in the face!
has enough problems.
However, Holly later tells Moira that Cain helped by giving Jimmy subsequently asks them a lift home when Roz’s Nicola to give him another car broke down the night chance but is devastated when before. she says that she can’t forgive him and wants a divorce. Moira feels terrible after hearing that their earlier chat Meanwhile, Moira is concerned was to offer Cain money, which to see Holly and Roz joking he refused. with Cain, so she warns Cain to stay away from Holly as she
Confusion ensues as Will returns with the wrong idea.
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UK NEWS FERD-DEGREE STALKING
LORD OF THE DANCE
UNTIL now, we thought the pictures of Rio Ferdinand’s stalker were just him in a dress but apparently Susanne Ibru, the proud new owner of a ten-year restraining order is the man…er woman in question.
After running out on the original trial and spitting on a police off cer, Ibru was arrested and charged with harassment of Ferdinand (right) and assault of a police off cer. She received a whopping six weeks in jail.
Ibru has been driving out to Ferdinand’s estate and engaging in such violent behaviours as ringing the buzzer, waking him and his wife and throwing a phone on the lawn.
The judge, clearly a United fan, called Ibru “predatory, manipulative and unable to interpret social situations and boundaries”, before licking Ferdinand across the head and wanking into a tissue.
CRIMINALS FIND A SHAW THING A SERIOUS moment now readers. If there’s a political message to take from classic f lm The Shawshank Redemption, it’s that sending a murderer to prison for life doesn’t rehabilitate someone – it institutionalizes them and makes it impossible to adapt to society on the outside. Tragically this often leads to suicide. The other important
message we took was don’t go in a storage room on your own or you might get bummed off some gays. So hats off to a gang of Derbyshire criminals who used their time inside the clink to give themselves the best chance of readjusting to life among the law-abiding. Basically, they made notes of where all
the expensive equipment was stored and, after they were released, broke back into the prison and nabbed £1,000 worth of metalwork tools meant for inmates. Well done fellas. Police are hunting for a large black man who looks like Nelson Mendela and Tim Robbins.
A BUNCH of dancey-wanky student knobheads, the sort who watch Glee religiously and get aroused in unitards, say they were ‘inspired’ by the Royal Wedding after staging an impromptu street dance show in front of the Royal Guards at Buckingham Palace to stunned tourists. A dance Student of the university of East London said: “The choreography had been inspired by the Royal Wedding and explored romance using urban dance techniques.” Dances included Queen’s We Will Rock You and Show Me Love with onlookers looking thrilled and confused in equal measure. Inevitably, someone f lmed the whole thing and posted it on You Tube – so now everyone can see what a bunch of fame-hungry prats these people really are.
THE KILLING BABY BLUES BRITAIN’S excuses for murder are wearing thin these days with a man in Bristol claiming he had ‘post-natal depression’ as a defence for killing his sixmonth-old daughter. We’re all for gender equality, we like it when girls drink beer, we even let the new secretary change the channel in the off ce the other day, but this is a bit of a stretch. Mark Bruton-Young claims to have been ‘left out’ after the baby was born and was jealous of the mother-daughter relationship the dribbling, vomiting, child had with his wife. A lesson to the googlers among you - the prosecution of the case searched Bruton-Young’s work computer history and found searches (dating from the month Harriett was born) such as “how quickly can a baby suffocate” and “signs of deliberate suffocation”. You really do have to be specif c to get the results you want. The case will be tried for the next three weeks in Bristol Crown Court, until then Bruton-Youngs should try googling ‘buggery’, ‘prison bitch’ and ‘security camera blind-spots in UK prisons.’
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UK NEWS THE BITTEREST PILL SLOW-WITTED drug dealer James Taylor is still wondering how police found out he was dabbling in the illegal narcotics game after his arrest last week. What gave him away? Did police use a CSI-style forensics team to trace a bag of heroin to the Northumberland area? Was he ratted out by a friend? Or did cops, perhaps, get a tad suspicious when they spotted a souped-up canary-yellow Peugeot 406 with a personalized number plate advertising the nickname ‘Jimmy the Pill’ which was emblazoned with the ecstasy ‘smiley face’ logo?
IT’S one of life’s great contradictions that while most young boys hate school uniforms, by the time they reach BBM’s age they’ll love them – and often insist that the gi rl they’re seeing at the time should wear one around the house.
After spotting the car driving around town, police decided to raid Jimmy’s house and – surprise, surprise – found a shitload of drugs inside.
Well 12-year-old Chris Whitehead from Impington Village, near Cambridge, clearly hasn’t reached that stage yet after protesting against school uniform regulations – by wearing a skirt to class.
A STINK IN PARLIAMENT
“In the summer girl students ar e allowed to wear skirts but boys are not allowed to wear shorts,” whined the pubeless wonder.
THE Liberal Democrats don’t usually make gutsy calls but fair play to Chief Treasury Secretary Danny Alexander who did exactly that this week – by letting out a massive fart just before a TV interview. Alexander let one rip before he was grilled at Millbank Studios, near Parliament, according to broadcasting insiders. A spokesman for the pooey politician said yesterday: “This story is a lot of hot air.” Oh you monkey Danny. Still, ‘better out than in’ as they say, which also applies to the Lib Dems.
STAT ATTACK OF ALL the annoying street performer professions, “living statues” surely have to be the worst. Their entire career consists of literally not doing anything while dressed like a knob. Well one living statue broke that golden rule in spectacular fashion recently, by beating seven bells of shit out of a rival on the Southbank near the London Eye. Rumen Nedelchev, covered in metallic paint and clutching a silver branch, was left close to death after Dechko Ivanov, also wearing a silver outf t and crown, battered him with a brick concealed in a bag. Nedelchev lay unconscious for several hours, by which time he’d earned an extra $200 from passers-by.
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SKIRT THE ISSUE
And that, ladies and gentleman, is how the kilt was bor n.
DANCE LESSONS IT’S exam time back in Britain and dread is on every students head… except for pupils at Bell Baxter High School in Scotland. Be-kilted teaching staff at the school decided to ease the students’ anxiety before each exam - by giving them a lunchtime dance off. A member of staff at the school said: “We wanted to give students a happy memory of the school to motivate them over a stressful exam period.” Yep, these students got to see their teachers dancing on the canteen tables to the Macarena, YMCA and Time Warp - classic dance songs that won’t embarrass the kids too much, unlike if they danced to Umbrella.
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IRISH NEWS WATCH US WRECK THE MIKE THERE are some tell-tale signs that warn you when you’ve consumed too much alcohol. If, for example, there’s more kebab on your shoes than in your mouth or the ‘ladies’ of the night at Kings Cross seem elegantly beautiful. But the benchmark has now been set by graduate Paul O’Hara who, after leaving an 18th Birthday party, thought it would be a good idea to go to Boyzone star Mikey Graham’s house and request a tune. You know that you are completely shitfaced when you think this knob’s singing will spruce up a party. Although details are sketchy, O’Hara instead spent the next few days in intensive care after a confrontation with the so called ‘star’. For those who don’t know which one from Boyzone Mikey is, he’s ‘that weird guy miming at the back’ when in concert. For those who don’t know who Boyzone are, consider yourself lucky.
SWEET VOTING SYSTEM WITH the elections making all Irish news insanely boring it was a mild distraction to hear a classic badass Guns n’ Roses riff in the middle of the West Tyrone vote declaration. While Returning Off cer Martin Fox was reading the off cial tallies on live television, someone’s awesome-ass eighties music taste came bleeping through the crowd. Sweet Child of Mine rang out as the announcer, who was clearly not aware of anything that had happened past the year 1900, continued through the tally list in a voice similar to the sound of your grandma snoring after her valium and cup of tea. Anyway, if we listened to it too long we’d probably break down and cry--ay.
DRIVING SOLO A SERIAL public masturbator was busted by police near St. Stephens Green, Dublin, while travelling on a late night bus. The pervert would single out women on city buses and try and grope them while jacking off under a coat. We can only imagine that his dry-cleaning bills were through the roof. The man was caught red-handed (cough) when a previous victim recognised him and alerted the driver.
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HALF-TERMINATOR A SCHOOL in Templeogue, Dublin, is currently testing a new facial recognition system to monitor attendance and punctuality of its pupils. Every morning, the students line up and look into a device that scans their face and marks them down as ‘anseo’*. For many of us, school always seemed to be like a prison but now Templeogue College are initiating the birth of sci-f type prisons similar to the movie Fortress. Next they’ll introduce the yellow and red markings and the ‘Intestinator, from the f lm, that explodes inside the body if the kids step out of line. Though we at BBM respect the initiative the school is taking against truancy, we assume identical twins will have a f eld day with the new system. * ‘Anseo’ is Irish for ‘Here’.
DUMBKOPFS JEDWARD news is all about Eurovision, with the two twerps performing their song Suckdick… sorry again, Lipstick in the only worldwide competition that could possibly make them even more offensive than they already are. Their Aryan ten-year-old boy look is working on the mayor of Dusseldorf where the competition is being held, with Dirk Elbers sporting a cardboard ‘Jed-head’ quiff to welcome them to the country. When the paedophiles’ wet dream team gave Elbers a David Hasselhoff CD to butter him up we suspect the mayor quite possibly blew his load. The duo are certainly getting a lot of attention over there, also chatting up last year’s winner Lena Meyer-Landrut bringing her f owers and asking her on a date, MeyerLandrut did not accept, saying “I felt it would ruin the beautiful sexual chemistry they have.”
WORLD NEWS THE SOCIAL NETWORK REMEMBER Pepsi? It comes instead of Coke at KFC? Well, in news that keeps repeating itself PepsiCo are still doing everything they can to outdo Coca-Cola.
another machine. Why is this necessary? No idea. Do we want one in the off ce? Fuck yes. Well, one that sells Coke maybe.
Even if that includes a vending machine slash social networking station.
The 57-year-old driver from Florida hit and killed the 29-year-old pedestrian while driving a bus f lled with passengers.
“If you look out the window to the left you will see the Statue of Liberty,� slurred the driver, “if you look out the window to the right you will see the body of that man I just ran over.�
The machine then generates a code which allows said friend to collect their gift at
Aptly named Jack Church has lost his job at TV station KERO after objecting to the channel running a story on strip clubs.
A pissed-up tour-bus driver has been charged with manslaughter after running over a pedestrian in New York City.
Some passengers said they thought he might have been drunk when he pulled into the drive-thru to get some “chasers.�
Pepsi have unveiled their new “social vending system� which allows users to buy a drink and also gift one to a friend using the touch-screen to add a personal message.
IN an ironic twist, Christians are now proving the survival of the f ttest theory for us. And better still, they’re doing it in the workplace. We can all freely share stories of masturbation and abortions!
WHEELING AND DEALING
Due to his Christian values, Church felt he could not be a part of such a story and requested the day off. He was denied, took the day off anyway so they f red him. They didn’t even run the story. The Lord works in mysterious ways. By Lord we mean the KERO bosses. And by mysterious we mean according to contract.
NORMALLY
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WORLD NEWS SMALL CLAIMS COURT DWARFS around the world are trying desperately to be f red after a short-arse woman f led for $12 million in damages when she was told she was too short to do her job. Sandra Peterson, 51, claims a New York City job counselor got her f red from her janitor position after saying, “You’re too short. Are you sure you’re working for Parks?”
1.46m short, “the managers really liked me and know I worked hard.” “I lost sleep. I lost appetite. I was crying,” she whined, “I was going out of my mind. I felt humiliated.” NYC suggested Peterson look for work in a more appropriate position and set up several appointments with local circuses and freak shows.
“I could do the job,” said the little lady, whose
JUST PLANE STUPID IN BBM’s favourite mile-high story since Steven Slater quit his f ight attendant job in spectacular fashion, a man has tried to open the emergency exit mid-f ight. About twenty minutes into the f ight from George Bush Intercontinental, the passenger (pictured) said he needed to get off and tried to open the door. The man was pinned to the ground by some heroic
passengers as the f ight attendants were busy keeping the towels warm. BBM thinks sometimes people should be allowed to make their own mistakes. And this would’ve made for a great Darwin award. But, whatever, you can’t win ‘em all.
Kevin Stark is going to make someone a nice bitch in prison after he was sentenced for second degree assault with sexual motivation. After raping a 66-year-old woman back in 1997, Stark (pictured) decided to mix it up a bit this time when he
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One thing we never lose track of is our .22 caliber handgun. For the last time, no, we’re not just excited to see you. A Niceville, America (there’s an oxymoron for you) resident got a nasty surprise as she packed her shopping into the car in the Walmart parking lot. For once it wasn’t a fat bitch wearing a bikini and ugg-boots. It was a gun sitting on her car’s back bumper. Police say the weapon had not been reported stolen. “Finders keepers,” said the woman as she opened f re on some white trash in aisle ten.
MOST men eventually understand what women want. Marriage, babies, guest towels and foreplay. Oh, and an alligator. A crazy yank has been charged with possession of a dangerous animal after police discovered he was keeping an alligator as a pet. Dewayne Yarbrough claims he kept the gator to impress women. Yarbrough fed his pet just 10 live mice a month to stop it from growing too big and claimed he bought it f ve years ago for $200. The animal will be given to animal welfare and Yarbrough’s girlfriend will be locked away in a cage and studied.
THINGS LOOK STARK FOR THE KARATE KID WHAT’S more embarrassing than losing a f ght to a teenage girl? The cops f nding out you’re 40 years old living with your mum.
BBM is always misplacing things; our wallet, our keys, our pride.
attacked a 16-year-old girl. But the karate-trained ‘victim’ rolled onto her back, kicked her attacker repeatedly in the balls, bit his f nger and then kicked him in the face as he lay on the ground. He was later arrested at his mum’s after he left his wallet and portable porn stash in the park.
SOME Nannas are so cool. Like that one who shot her loud neighbour, or the one who ran across America, or that one that let us fuck her in the park last week. And then there’s these two, 72-yearold Aleen Lam and 65-year-old Virginia Chan Pon who were growing over 800 marijuana plants in their home. The pair funded the project by dealing pills, stealing electricity and gas through a bypass and passing over $40 000 in bad cheques at the local casino. That is so bad ass. It really puts our nan to shame. All she’s got is a coke habit and a cock-f ghting ring.
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SYDNEY WHAT’S ON
ONE of the world’s most inf uential bands, The Cure, will be performing exclusively as part of the Vivid Sydney festival of light, music and ideas. A coup for both Sydney and the festival, the band will appear onstage with an evolving lineup of band members past and present to perform their f rst three albums live and in their entirety. The Rocks and Circular Quay will be transformed with over forty light installations including twenty-four immersive and interactive low energy light sculptures, a f re spectacular at Campbell’s Cove, and illuminated skyscrapers and buildings. When: 31st May and June 1st Where: Sydney Opera House Cost: From $109
EIGHTEEN superstar DJs from around the world will take on each other in the ultimate battle. Magic City will take you on a journey through time with show-stopping performances, a party like never before. Lineup: Kai Tracid and JamX aka DuMonde (Germany) Kutski (The UK) D-Block and S-te-Fan, Wildstylez, and JDX (The Netherlands) Sarah Maria (The US) Stephanie and Zatox (Italy) Toneshifterz and Bioweapon (Australia) When: Saturday, 21st May Where: Hordern Pavillion Cost: $123
LISSIE, the effortlessly cool singer-songwriter, will perform her f rst solo tour in Australia this month. Since the release of her debut album, Catching a Tiger, Lissie has been wowing audiences in both the US and the UK. Now it’s Australia’s turn. When: Tuesday, May 17th Where: Oxford Art Factory Cost: $27.50
Artists are encouraged to have fun, think outside the square and use the platform to play off one another. This battle will feature Shannon Cress vs Vars One. When: Wednesday, May
STEVE-O has become a household name and it all started when he snatched a video camera from his father’s closet when he was f fteen years old.
SINCE the release of their debut album, Jah Rydem, 1814 have sky rocketed into New Zealand’s reggae elite, with a following to match.
He returns to Australia to unleash his special blend of stand-up comedy and crazy stunts… he still has no problem stapling his balls to his leg!
Patu Colbert formed the band along with his sons and the name 1814 was taken from the year Gospel arrived at Oihi, in the Bay Of Islands.
When: Saturday, May 21st Where: Enmore Theatre Cost: $70
When: Thursday, May 19th Where: The Gaelic Cost: $30
ANY band that has two drummers has to be special, right? Wolf and Cub do and three albums in, they continue to blow their rivals away with their psychedelic rock sound.
THE DRONES’ drummer, Mike Noga, will have the humble ballad in his sights as he tours the country with his latest album, The Balladeer Hunter.
Having just returned from SXSW, where they showcased some new tunes and did a little touring, we see them back to our shores.
Mike has just presented these songs live for the f rst time when he supported Band of Horses, at their personal request after hearing an advance copy of the album.
When: Wednesday, May 18th Where: Beach Rd Hotel, Bondi 30
SECRET WARS is the worldwide phenomena which showcases amazing artwork from the world’s best artists in a way that has rarely been seen; a live art battle over ninety minutes. Paint will spill!
When: Wednesday, May 18th Where: Notes Live, Enmore BBM-608 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM
SYDNEY MARKETS
GLEBE MARKETS IN the heart of the urbanite hangout that is the Sydneys InnerWest are the bustling Glebe Markets. If you are the type of person who enjoys vintage fashion, brica-brac, live music, diverse arts and crafts, and meeting or just watching wildly dressed locals in their natural habitat this is def nitely the place to check out. Known amongst Sydney-siders for being the best place to f nd a bargain and locate hidden treasures we recommend setting aside a day to come and thumb through second-hand records, sift through unique jewellery, sort through beautiful clothes; old and new, grab some locally made food and sit down on the grass to soak in the live music. From rock to gospel there will always be something to take your fancy. Once you have f nished you can wander along Glebe Point Road and look into any of the many cafes and restaurants Glebe is famous for.
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The markets have been running for 15 years and have both regular and weekly pop up stalls with their open stall rental policy, so if you and a few friends can scrape together $75 and you have something creative worth selling you can also rent a stall for a week or longer and make some money while you’re here. When do I go? Every Saturday from 10am-4pm Where is it? Conveniently located on the corner of Glebe Point Road and Derby place in the grounds of the local school. How do I get there? You can get there on a bus from the CBD which run down George street, you can make the 15 minute walk from Central Station. If you are not too conf dent you can bring a car and park it in Glebe or grab any taxi as they should know it. It is on the main street of the suburb of Glebe so it is clearly marked on most maps.
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MELBOURNE NEWS CYCLE OF VIOLENCE IF YOU weren’t already scared of bearded hobos on bikes, you will be now. A man and his dog were stabbed by a hairy psycho in Melbourne’s south east. The 56-yearold was walking his dog Hank when they were approached by a man riding a push bike. Curious Hank was sniff ng around when the man pulled out a knife and stabbed the dog in the head. PREEN SUSPECT: Is thi s man a killer? When Hank’s owner came to the rescue the bum stabbed him in the arm. The police have said they know absolutely nothing about anything and have no information other than what we’ve given you here. But they are positive that they will get to the bottom of this.
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SLUT SALUTE PERVERTS across the country are celebrating this week after the announcement of Victoria’s f rst “SlutWalk.” The walk, which is pretty much as it sounds, is designed to f ght the perception that women who dress like porn stars are asking to be sexually abused. Organiser Clem Bastow said the event is “dedicated to the radical notion that it doesn’t matter what you wear or how you live your life, there’s no excuse for sexual assault.” Whatever. We’re not about to complain about loads of half-naked women walking around the street.
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MELBOURNE WHAT’S ON
MANY consider it a crime that that John Grant’s effortlessly rich, expansive baritone, couched in typically heartbreaking, lush melody, hasn’t found a wider audience.
Lo-Tek
Grant’s f rst solo album, Queen Of Denmark, was awarded Mojo’s best album of 2010 back in the UK, and is available now. When: May 18th and 19th Where: Toff In Town Cost: $30
CANADIAN hard rock band Propagandhi took a brief hiatus and became a four-piece in 2006, winning the Echo Songwriting Prize for the song A Speculative Fiction. This will be the f rst time the band has visited Australia since they completed their f fth album Supporting Caste in 2008. When: May 18th and 19th Where: Corner Hotel Cost: $35
HEAVY music fans in Australia are set for yet another treat this year with Destroy Music – a festival headlined by The Amity Aff iction and a recently reformed I Killed the Prom Queen.
INDIE meets Reggae in an all-embracing line-up of some of Melbourne’s most captivating acts, with the UK’s Lo-Tek at the helm. After a whirl of hype over his recent single The Rudest Dude, Lo-Tek will cap the night off with a mash up of hip-hop, reggae inf uenced grime and UK dancehall. Lo-Tek is joined by Tabura, who’s been hailed as the next generation of the infamous Black Brothers from West Papua, 60’s inspired harmony-pop group, Hoy and electronic-indie duo Junior Jr. It’ll be a night of groovin’ dance beats, pop-laced fancy and old school folk. It’s a school night so music begins nice and early. When: Thursday, May 19th Where: East Brunswick Club Cost: $15
The undercard is just as unrelenting, featuring Deez Nuts and American band Of Mice and Men. When: May 20 - 22nd Where: Billboard Cost: $43
A blockbuster three-hour set from James Zabiela headlines a huge night at Brown Alley, with Robert Hood, Midland and Tom Budden along for the ride. Electronic music enticed a grunge-loving 16-year-old James Zabiela to his f rst set of belt drive turntables some years ago, now James is one of the most prolif c DJs and producers on the planet. When: May 20th Where: Brown Alley
AFTER spending the past year slogging stages, releasing their debut EP and picking up a few cool trophies, 8 Bit Love are getting ready to drop their next release Rock The Digressers. Before they unleash this double A-Side of catchy, bass heavy, dance-worthy goodness, they are hitting the Evelyn stages every Monday in May. When: Mondays in May Where: Evelyn Hotel Cost: Free (Donation)
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MELBOURNE CHINATOWN IF you are a bit lost amongst the plethora of events and places Melbourne has to offer why not take a breather and walk down to somewhere that is always vibrant, always fun, and always cheap in the ‘longest continuous Chinese settlement anywhere in the Western world’, Chinatown. It is right in the city just between Spring St and Swanston St so even if you just walk through and take a look you will feel like you have been transported out of Melbourne into the middle of Old Shanghai.
CHINESE MUSEUM
We know a museum doesn’t sound very exciting but this is one of the most beautiful buildings in Melbourne and it does not feel like a stuffy place full of antiques while you are there but rather something that you dreamed about when you were pretending to be Indiana Jones as a kid (or last week). The f ve f oors have some pretty exciting exhibits but our favourites have to be the Dragon Gallery which has three generations of beautiful and awe inspiring dragon sculptures and pictures, and the Treasures Wall which has some very wierd and fantastic artefacts from both the museum and private collections like gold medallions, swords, carvings and elaborate text scripts from ancient to modern Chinese culture. There are also contemporary art exhibitions every month or so and more
than enough tours available for those who want to be educated about Chinese History in Australia. The Chinatown visitors centre on the bottom f oor is a great place to go to ‘orient’ yourself when you get to Chinatown as it has all the information you will need to choose where to go and what to look at.
TEAHOUSE
Across the road from the Museum is the slightly hidden but extremely popular ‘Tea House’ run by Lawrence Tse who has earned a great reputation for creating a beautiful place to eat traditional and new, reasonably priced Chinese food. With menu items like ‘Drunken Pigeon’ and a constantly changing specials menu, order a few dishes to share and have some traditional Chinese teas or sip on a beer while enjoying good service and the crowd of all of the locals from business lunchers to students to retired couples enjoying their meals.
FOOD
Yum cha is possibly the best thing about Chinatown. Visit any of the many restaurants offering the dumpling feast and take a napkin to catch your dribble as you sit in the Dragon Boat, Shark Fin or the Westlake and watch the fully laden trays whisk past. If you have a wad of cash and want the best meal of your life the world famous Flower Drum is something you should try to experience in your lifetime.
CONTINUED NEXT WEEK
EASYSTAY GROUP Motel rooms from $89 per night. Studio Apartments from $99 per night. Come and stay in Sunny Seaside St. Kilda and bring the kids. Up to 2 children under the age of 12 can stay free of charge when sharing with full paying adults. Close to Luna Park and St Kilda Beach Reception is at 63 Fitzroy Street, St Kilda Ph: 1300 301 730 stay@easystay.com.au www.easystay.com.au * Valid until 31 August 2011. Offer is subject to availability and not valid over peak or event periods. Picture is of a studio apartment
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PERTH WHAT’S ON
DRAPHT is leaving no stone unturned to get his new album, The Life of Riley, into as many ears as possible. It must be working, as it was the very f rst Australian album to hit number one on the ARIA charts this year.
PLAYING their irrepressible blend of punk, thrash, funk and hardcore, Suicidal Tendencies are certainly true to their ideals of ‘no rules’. When: Wednesday, May 18th Where: Capitol
When: Friday, May 20th Where: Metro City Cost: $25
ONE of Australia’s great breakthrough success stories are packing their bags for their ‘Higher Education’ tour. Amy Meredith will up the ante this time around, playing seventeen dates through May and June in venues across Australia. When: Friday, May 20th Where: Prince of Wales Hotel Cost: $20
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KUNUNURRA EVER dreamed of walking across red sand, f ying over giant gorges and then jumping off cliffs into clear water? Well, that’s a very specif c dream. But you’re in luck. Kununurra started out as a working town and has now grown into the perfect mix of traditional and modern Australia. Although the views will amaze you, you won’t be left with nothing to do but sight-see. There’s horse-riding, croc spotting, four-wheel driving, helicopter f ights and a bunch of other choices for the under 80’s. The town is smack-bang in the middle of the Kimberley region which is proper Aussie outback with gorges, waterfalls, wildlifethe lot. It’s like your dream, only better. This working town is home to 6,000 people who enjoy its shopping facilities, tourism sector, wildlife sanctuaries and community activities. But you’re in luck! They’re looking to make it 6,001. This is the perfect place to immerse yourself in the Aussie culture, whether you’re holidaying or looking for some work to fund your next move. Kununurra Backpackers is just a short walk from the town centre and if it wasn’t part of your dream before, it will be soon. From here you can get help booking all your local tours and f nding work harvesting around the area so it’s a great place to base your stay. The hostel is more like a village with tropical gardens, water features, a BBQ area, swimming pool and hammocks. Feel free to host your next dinner party in the fully equipped kitchen or hang out with your mates in the TV area where you can watch Foxtel and DVD’s or play pool. There’s also WiFi in case you’re missing your family or need to change your relationship status. Kelly’s Knob, with its stunning ever-changing colours provides the backdrop to the hostel and gives you a taste of what the Kimberleys has to offer. There is plenty of space to move, with a relaxed “home away from home” atmosphere for international travellers. It’s the perfect place to get away from it all after exploring the exciting Kimberleys or after a hard day’s work. The rooms are clean, comfortable, all with ceiling fans, airconditioning and shared bathroom amenities. Guests can hop on a free Greyhound Bus or Airport shuttle but remember to book your stay between April and September as it gets pretty busy. After Kununurra, you’ll never need to dream again.
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QUEENSLAND WHAT’S ON
Ben Folds BEN Folds and his band are set to tour Australia in support of his latest album, the acclaimed Lonely Avenue, a collaboration between him and bestselling novelist Nick Hornby. As a live performer, Ben displays a rare kind of energy
and exuberance, one of pure passion and excitement and his performances with his live band are not to be missed. When: Wednesday 18th May Where: Concert Hall, QPAC Cost: $95
Greg Fleet & Lindsay Webb
and Melbourne International Comedy Festival.
TWO of Australia’s most popular stand-up comics are heading to Cairns for a gig at the Blue Sky Brewery.
Webb is well-known thanks to his regular slots on the Footy Show and Good News Week. Fleet has won critical acclaim for his double act with fellow comic Mick Moriarty.
Greg Fleet and Lindsay Webb will take the stage, fresh from appearing at the Adelaide Fringe
When: Friday, 20th May Where: Blue Sky Brewery Cost: $38
RISING to prominence as a member of leading New Zealand band Salmonella Dub, Tiki Taane has progressed from sound engineer to fully f edged front man.
MISS Burlesque Australia is the f rst competition in Australia to combine all feature elements of Burlesque performance and personality to compete for a major prize and international title.
When: Friday, 20th May Where: Coolangatta Hotel Cost: $27.50
When: Sunday, 22nd May Where: Coolangatta Hotel Cost: $27.50
BE prepared for an unforgettable ride through gang vocals, sing-a-long choruses and crushing breakdowns as A Day to Remember and Underoath visit our shores.
MASTER musicians of the live circuit, Blue King Brown are primed to showcase their adrenalising ‘live’ grooves from the highly acclaimed Worldwize album. When: Saturday 21st May Where: Coolangatta Hotel Cost: $25
FROG N TOAD BAR HOP EVERY WED & FRI NIGHT
When: Thursday, 19th May Where: The Tivoli Cost: $52
Heading to Cairns and want to save $$ If you are - you’d be crazy not to check out :
MONTHLY FITZROY ISLAND PARTIES
OR PHONE 0418184646
2 & 4 night hostel / party packages from $55 that include: 2or4 nights accommodation & 2or4 evening meals & free Bar Hop $5 off with this ad VOTED CAIRNS’ BEST NIGHT OUT & $150 worth of VIP Gold Club Card & Party Vouchers 44
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OCEANS Y OUTH & E CO ADVEN T U RE H
OSTELS
DORM
BEDS BEDS DORM
$27
FROM FROM
per person
per maxperson 4 ppl
DOUBLE ROOM PRIVATE ROOM FROM FROM
$75
An island escape on the mainland
max share 2 ppl twin
THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËTwo Pristine Pools ËSpa ËFree WiFi
ËBBQ Facilities ËGames Room ËOceans Bar & Grill
twin share (max 2 ppl)
ËEnsuite with Mini-fridge ËTV & DVD Player in the Chill Room ËShopping Centre & Supermarket next door ËTour Booking Service
BAREFOOT LODGE LONG ISLAND
Airlie Beach Hostel DORM BEDS FROM
$27
per person
max 4 ppl
PRIVATE ROOM
Barefoot Lodge guests have full access to the Long Island Resort’s facilities
FROM
$75
THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËSwim-up Pool Bar and Lap Pool ËAmazing Beach frontage ËSpa ËFish/Bird Feeding
ËGames Room Ë20 kms of Rainforest Walking Tracks ËDaily Activities and Nightly Entertainment ËSnorkelling
ËWatersports (additional charge) ËTour Booking Service ËFan Cooled Rooms ËTennis
Free Call:
1800 075 125 (Calls within Australia)
twin share
max 2 ppl
Cairns
.COM.AU
LONG ISLAND BAREFOOT LODGE
Townsville Airlie Beach
CLUB CROC HOSTEL
QUEENSLAND SYDNEY may be the reigning king of Masterchef celebrities but in the land of the Queen we like to put a little more on your plate, a bigger beer in your hand and let you enjoy it without an ad break between each course. Plus, if you’re visiting the Gold Coast and parts of Tropical North Queensland you’ll often get a little more entertainment than you bargained for. And we don’t just mean waiters tripping over, or a sexy bar tender (but we’re sure that could be arranged). If you feel like getting out for dinner and some drinks but you’re sick of the same old thing, this could be the place for you.
DRACULA’S ON THE GOLD COAST Whether you’re all about the Time Warp or you prefer the Monster Mash, you’re sure to be a fan of beers, burlesque and bloody good food (pun intended). Dracula’s takes you back to old school, retro horror, plus you get to eat, drink and see a show so you can’t really go wrong. Their newest show, Redrum Cabaret, combines music, magic, comedy, theatre and deceased puppets. And if you’re a bit of food snob (and
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we’re sensing that you are) you won’t be disappointed. The food alone is worth the price of the tickets. Everyone says so. Dracula’s is smack bang in the heart of the Gold Coast so after your adrenaline f lled day you can paraglide, skydive or quad bike straight over to dinner. Or, you know, you could get a cab. Whatever takes your fancy. And when you’re all hyped-up after the Cabaret, the casino is just a card trick away. Which brings us to our next point…
JUPITER’S CASINO ON THE GOLD COAST Not only can you eat, drink and gamble, you can also catch a show or two in the process. Jupiter’s is home to live comedy, music, theatre and sports. Well, the sport would be live on a big screen, not played at your feet. As far as eating is concerned there are seven options. Yes, seven. Whether you want a posh dinner with someone to pour your wine, proper Italian or Chinese, a beer hall with platters to share or you just want to stuff your face at the buffet you’re in luck. Jupiter’s is dinner and a show with a side of gambling, not the other way around.
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OCEANS Y OUTH & E CO ADVEN T U RE H
SUNLOVER
OSTELS
REEF CRUISES
Discover the Real Reef
$130
INTRODUCTORY
SCUBABEDS DIVE DORM
$125 $27
FROM FROM
per person 4 hours of reef fun!
per person
per maxperson 4 ppl
CERTIFIED PRIVATE ROOM SCUBA DIVE FROM FROM
$75 $80
Shortest travel time…longest play time!
twin share
maxperson 2 ppl per
THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËTravel to the reef on board our air-conditioned Catamaran ËSnorkelling equipment provided ËInformative presentation hosted by our marine naturalist ËOn-board touch tank to experience marine life up close
ËDelicious chef-prepared buffet luncheon featuring fresh seafood, hot dishes, salads and fruit ËGuided coral viewing from our semi-submersible craft and glass-bottom boat
FERNTREE Hostel
Cape Tribulation DORM BEDS FROM
$27
per person
max 4 ppl
PRIVATE ROOM access to Ferntree Rainforest Hostel guests have full the Ferntree Rainforest Lodge facilities THE OYEAH! FACTORS:
ËTwo Swimming Pools ËMini-Fridge in All Rooms ËBBQ Facilities
ËVolleyball Court ËTV Lounge ËTour Booking Service
FROM
$75
twin share
max 2 ppl
ËClose to Food Store and Pharmacy ËShort walk to PK’s Jungle Bar ËCassowary Cafe – Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner FERNTREE RAINFOREST HOSTEL SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES
Free Call:
1800 075 125 (Calls within Australia)
Cairns
.COM.AU
Townsville
QUEENSLAND DRAGONFLY GALLERY CAFÉ IN THE RAINFOREST After the exhaustion of a few nights of comedy and drama you’ll need some chill time. And where better than in your very own tree house in the Tropical North. Dragonf y sits in the middle of the Daintree Rainforest so when you’re done exploring you can pop up to the tree house and relive your childhood. There’s games, chilled music, good food and heaps of stuff to look at. Plus, did we mention it’s a tree house?
COMEDY CLUBS Speaking of gambling, why not take a punt and get out and see some comedy? The Gold Coast plays host to international and traveling Aussie artists all year round. And if you play your cards right, you’ll get yourself fed at the same time. Sit Down Comedy Club offers a night of laughs, a few drinks and a proper dinner. None of this peanuts at the table stuff. And with a ten dollar entry, including a free drink, you’ve started off on the right foot. You can Sit Down for stand up in four locations on the Gold Coast in Windaroo, Surfers, Coolangatta and Southport. Or you can check out some comedy in the Basement of Gold Coast Arts Centre and, you guessed it, you can eat there too.
MURDERING POINT, DE BRUEYS BOUTIQUE AND GOLDEN PRIDE MANGO Don’t be afraid of Murdering Point Winery, Australia’s leading makers of wine from tropical fruits. It’s surrounded by cane f eld and rainforests and its cellars doors are open every day for samples and tours. If you’re a wine lover you can also take a look at de Brueys Boutique
DRACULA’S ON THE GOLD COAST 1 Hooker Blvd, Broadbeach JUPITER’S CASINO ON THE GOLD COAST Casino Dr, Broadbeach SIT DOWN COMEDY CLUB 186 Given Terrace, Paddington GOLD COAST ARTS CENTRE 135 Bundall Rd, Surfers Paradise DRAGONFLY GALLERY CAFÉ 9 Camelot Cl, Cape Tribulation MURDERING POINT 161 Murdering Point Road, Silkwood DE BRUEYS BOUTIQUE WINERY 189 Fichera Rd, Mareeba GOLDEN PRIDE MANGO WINERY 227 Bilwon Road, Mareeba MT. UNCLE DISTILLERY 1819 Chewko Rd Walkamin, North Queensland BLUE SKY BREWERY BAR & RESTAURANT 34-42 Lake Street, Cairns
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Winery and Golden Pride Mango Winery (free tastings!). They both offer tours, tastings and pretty spectacular surroundings. Anyway who knew you could make wine with mangos? It gets our vote.
only operating brewery in the tropical north and offers tours every day. You can taste the beers as they’re made, straight from the taps, and then chill out in the bar for a selection of locally produced beers and ciders. The restaurant serves up massive meals with all produce sourced locally. They highly encourage matching your beers and wine with your meal and the staff can teach you a thing or two about the process. Just promise us one thing, don’t ask for a Foster’s.
MT. UNCLE DISTILLERY For spirit lovers, this is the place to be. Mt Uncle’s is the f rst and only distillery in the Tropical North. They’ve got the whole package with spirits, liqueurs, teas and chocolates all produced on site. And, wait for it, an art gallery and a café. You know, just in case you tire of looking at the views of rainforests, orchards and cane f elds.
BLUE SKY BREWERY BAR & RESTAURANT And f nally, to everyone’s hero, beer. Voted the number one pub in Cairns this is somewhere you could practically move into. It’s the
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fiji
SPRING RING m may seem far away but it’s still the perfect time to enjoy a bit of island hopping in the picturesque islands off Fiji. BBM have all the details to get the most out of your o holiday, h ol with the must-visit islands on your journey.
suva
FOR a good old fashioned travel experience, it is worth taking half an hour out of your busy lives to f y from Nadi to Fiji’s capital Suva it probably takes the equivalent of the amount of time it takes you to get to work in the morning. During the day you will need to sweat it out in the humid heat to see the beautiful colonial buildings of the CBD including the Suva City Library (don’t worry you wont have to read), Government House, and the incredible Fiji Museum housing
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the largest collection of Fijian artifacts in the world, which is conveniently located in the beautiful Thurston Gardens so the lazy or timeshort out there can see two sights at the same time.
From there, it is kind of romantic to watch the sun set at Suva point. If you miss it, don’t worry because all bars are open until at least 4am so go for a shop in Cummings or Marks Street. Check out the Flea Market for Fiji-esque souvenirs like knives, cannibal forks, war clubs and lethal looking spears (or wall hangings, pottery and Fijian-Indian jewelry for people who prefer ‘pretty’ things). Have a drink at Lucky Eddies, the Golden Dragon or Trapps, enjoy a feast of Fijian, Indian, Chinese and/or Italian food at any of the all night food stalls, BBM-608 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM
(just don’t forget to yell ‘Bula’ at everyone you see... it is the local friendly greeting) then catch the sunrise right back at Suva point, because it’s worth it.
weather and is a perfect place to relax into the extremely laidback local culture and be tempted to become an eccentric ex-pat.
The best part of the whole thing is that it will cost you less than lunch in Sydney, so feel free to do it as many times as you desire.
The town is home to some historic buildings worth seeing including the Old Town Hall and the Ovalau Club, if you are feeling homesick and want to see some British buildings.
ovalau
TO witness the extremity of variety Fiji has to offer, take a f fteen-minute f ight or hop on a Patterson Brothers Ferry (slightly cheaper and more picturesque) out of Suva to visit Ovalau, home of the old Fijian capital Levuka.
Otherwise, a trip around the island from the Nadelaiovalau to Tomuna mountains will take you around the volcanic islands’ crater shape and give you some beautiful views of the land and surrounding lagoon.
Unlike Viti Levu, Ovalau is home of dry, constantly sunny
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vanua levu
THIS is the other big island, and if you are one of those people who want a more organic local experience the island of Vanua Levu is def nitely worth a visit. The two main towns are the northern Labasa, a largely Indian community, and the southern Savusavu where you will f nd a lot to do in the sea (such as diving and yachting). However, there are many secluded villages full of extremely friendly locals who will take in a group for a night and show you around if you are nice. Among the many local traditions waiting to be experienced are the fantastic lovo feasts and slightly intimidating meke dances. It is recommended you arrange a tour instead of showing up uninvited, check out www.f jianfamilies.com or www.f ji-bure.com for more information.
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the garden island
TAVEUNI. This is quite possibly one of the most beautiful islands in existence and is world renowned as one of the top islands in the archipelago. It has absolutely everything, from waterfalls to underwater adventures and forest walks to wildlife watching, your head will be
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overf owing with the beauty of the place. You will need to hop on a boat or plane from Vanua Levu to land on the black sand beaches of Taveuni. It does not have a big population and so is devoid of any major commercial city but diving and hiking tours are easy to arrange on site. The main places to visit are the Rainbow Reef, whether you dive or snorkel you will see so much coral your eyes will hurt. There is also Vuna Lagoon if you want to see a lot (and we mean a lot) of f sh and witness the interesting hard and soft coral gardens of its western edge.
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On land the most famous water attractions are probably the Bouma Falls, of Blue Lagoon fame, renowned as the most beautiful in Fiji, and Lake Tagimaucia which is in the middle of a volcanic crater 800 metres across. It is also home to the Tagimaucia f ower found only in this region in Fiji. How many of your mates will have seen that? If you like to learn, take a visit to the Waitabu Marine Park where they will educate you on all the local species of f sh and coral and explain all about reef conservation. If you are a walker the Lavena Coastal Walk will give you sweeping views of the island and the sea, as well as encounters with indigenous wildlife native to Fiji. You will get hot so itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lucky the walk ends at another waterfall pool where you can take a quick dip and pretend no one else exists and you are in the most perfect tropical paradise in the world. Which you are.
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RECRUITMENT Sales & Account Manager Wanted t ZFBST TBMFT FYQFSJFODF SFRVJSFE t .VTU CF BCMF UP EFBM XJUI UIF EFNBOET PG B XFFLMZ QVCMJDBUJPO BOE EBJMZ EFBEMJOFT t .VTU CF QSFTFOUBCMF BOE IBWF BO FYDFMMFOU QIPOF NBOOFS t *OUFSFTUT JO NVTJD USBWFM FOUFSUBJONFOU B NVTU t &YDFMMFOU PQQPSUVOJUZ UP KPJO B HSPXJOH QVCMJTIJOH IPVTF t (PPE #BTF 4VQFS 5BSHFUFE #POVT t 4QPOTPSTIJQ BWBJMBCMF GPS UIF SJHIU DBOEJEBUF t .VTU CF BWBJMBCMF GPS JNNFEJBUF TUBSU
EMAIL: GUCHI.SHAKIR@WHAT-MEDIA.COM
PHONE: 0410 470 100
e s u u o y o D ? y s a t s c E Researchers from the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre would like to speak to ecstasy users. Face to face interviews will be conducted between March and May. The interview takes around one hour and is held at a convenient location for you. Interviews are anonymous and conямБdential. You will be reimbursed $40 for your time. Contact: NSW 0404 786 677 (Laura) ACT 0424 446 493 (Sheena) VIC 0451 115 126 (Phuong) NT 0404 920 044 (Benjamin) QLD 0434 606 981 (Fairlie) TAS 0409 803 813 (you do not have to use your real name). 58
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:$17 72 ),1' $ -2%" Â&#x;OĂ?OÂ&#x;AĂ&#x192;cÂł Ă?Â&#x2013;lÂ&#x2013;OlĂ&#x192;Ă?Â&#x;yĂ?Ă?Â&#x2C6;lĂ? -" `Ă? Ă&#x2DC;Ă&#x2020;Ă?Ă&#x192;AÂ&#x2019;Â&#x2039;AÂ&#x203A;Ă? Â&#x;Â&#x203A;Ă?Ă&#x192;AYĂ?Ă?-Ă&#x192;Â&#x;ylĂ&#x2020;Ă&#x2020;Â&#x2039;Â&#x;Â&#x203A;AÂ&#x2019;Ă?"AÂ&#x203A;AÂ&#x20AC;lÂ&#x2013;lÂ&#x203A;Ă?Ă? Ă&#x2020;Ă&#x2020;Â&#x;YÂ&#x2039;AĂ?Â&#x2039;Â&#x;Â&#x203A;
To apply for these roles please e-mail your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au
Sydney Jobs
Apply to tc@freespirit.com.au
9LVLW XV DW /HYHO 3LWW 6WUHHW 6\GQH\
MEDIA SALES CONSULTANT $22 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLES)
CLAIMS $22 PER HOUR (3 MONTH ROLES)
Our client is a newly established on-line media agency seeking a number of experienced outbound call consultants to join their small but busy North Sydney media team.
Leading Australian Insurance company requires reliable travelers for contract role;
You will possess; â&#x20AC;˘ Excellent communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ Highly motivated individual â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Friendly personality This is a great role calling an existing client base. Full training provided.
â&#x20AC;˘ Must have Insurance Claims experience, Home & Content preferred â&#x20AC;˘ Strong Microsoft Office and communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ CBD location â&#x20AC;˘ Young and friendly team, nice offices â&#x20AC;˘ $22 plus super â&#x20AC;˘ Start now for 3 months with a view to extend to 6 months
TELESALES CONSULTANTS $21 PER HOUR
ACCOUNTS PAYABLE/RECEIVABLE $24-$26 PER HOUR
Our Client is seeking experienced Telesales Consultantâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s with the following criteria:
Do you have accounts payable/receivable experience?? We have clients in the city seeking candidates for immediate start.
â&#x20AC;˘ Minimum of 6 months call centre experience â&#x20AC;˘ English fluency â&#x20AC;˘ Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity â&#x20AC;˘ Strong experience with an aggressive sales attitude â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Financial Services Background would be a Bonus
The ideal candidate will; â&#x20AC;˘ Thrive in a busy environment â&#x20AC;˘ High attention to detail â&#x20AC;˘ At least 2 years experience â&#x20AC;˘ Ability to prioritize workload Assignments are up to 6 months paying $24-$26 an hour. To apply for these roles please email your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au
Already have a job and want more money? Call 1300 freespirit to ask us about LAFHA.
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JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA THINK YOU’RE FUNNIER THAN US? BBM is looking for some new contributors. Want to get you work published in a National magazine and website whilst earning concert tickets, bar tabs, free travel trips, etc. Email ben.harlum@ whatmedia.com or call 02 8231 7706
MELBOURNE PROMOTIONAL STAFF. call centre work available to promote electricity and gas. simple work and great money. full time training provided - no experience needed. melbourne work only. call Jerry on 03 9867 6322
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SYDNEY Call Centre - Travellers Wanted! Our Client is seeking travellers with fantastic customer service and sale skills for a 6-8 temp assignment. Your role will be generating leads on behalf of a well established global client through warm and cold calling. Paying $22 Plus Super If you think you are right for the role then please send your detailed resume to tc@freespirit.com.au
DATA ENTRY POSITIONS AVAILABLE NOW!
Working Holiday Makers needed for our EASTERN SUBURBS OFFICE. Must be Enthusiastic, have a Good Typing Speed, and able to Follow Instructions. Full Training Given. Paid Weekly. Call Steve Now on 1300 657 362
TO ADVERTISE CALL
ON (02) 8231 7701
HAIRDRESSER REQUIRED
NO WEEKENDS!!! Flexible Hours - Busy City Salon - Great Salary - Travellers Welcome CONTACT SUE ON 0419 989 456 OR (02) 9299 4748 email: sydneyhairandbeauty@ yahoo.com www.sydneyhairandbeauty.com
DATA ENTRY OFFICER – TRAVELLERS WELCOME!! Our Client is seeking an experienced Data Entry Offi cer with the following criteria: Minimum of 1 year work experience. English fl uency. Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity. Not on Student Visa. If you believe you are the right candidate for this role please forward your resume through to mailto:tc@freespirit.com.au
TELEMARKETERS – SMILE WHILE YOU DIAL! Working Holidaymakers needed for our EASTERN SUBURBS OFFICE. Must be enthusiastic, confi dent, well spoken and able to follow instructions. No experience necessary - Full training given. Base + Commission + Bonus Paid Weekly. Call Steve Now on 1300 657 362
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ADULT EMPLOYMENT
KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road.
Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Training provided Discreet, Paid daily Flexible hours Foxtel and internet access for staff Friendly Female management Located in the heart of Sydney Earn $150+ per hour
NO SEX
www.sirs.com.au 80 ERSKINE ST. SYDNEY CBD
Female Masseurs Required $115 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team
92997771 (02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills www.nirvanasydney.com.au
261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au
GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN!! BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE!! Female Masseurs required $115 p/hr Full training provided Immediate Start Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team
(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES
135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay www.atmichelles.com
219 Croydon ATTRACTIVE LADIES
WANTED Busy day time parlour Guaranteed big money Flexible shifts Immediate start Please call or text
0404404742
219 Elizabeth St Croydon
-BEJFT SFR (VBSBOUFFE #VTJFTU E E #FTU 3BUF JO 4ZEOFZ 63(&/5 &"3/ , 1&3 4)*'5 1"*% %"*-: /P FYQFSJFODF SFRVJSFE GVMM USBJOJOH BOE GSFF BDDPNNPEBUJPO ,JOH 4U /FXUPXO 4U 1FUFST XXX BNPSF DPN BV
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ACCOMMODATION
SYDNEY
Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms in the heart of the city. Dorm beds single $40 per night or $180 per week, double rooms $80 per night OR $320 per week. Call 02 9211 4454 for details
Potts Point â&#x20AC;&#x201C; CLOSE TO CITY. Large Studio in garden complex. Close to Kings Cross station. Suitable for a couple. Fully furnished and equipped with everything you need including TV, linen, crockery, microwave etc. $375pw. Call 0425286445
BONDI JUNCTION Fully Furnished near new Studio apartments. Available for short or long term rental. All bills inc. Close to beach, parks, bars and transport. Ideal for 2 people. From $150 pp/pw. Call 0405 20 5000
MELBOURNE FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park. Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566
BBM-608 // ACCOMMODATION
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ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY
SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!
JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)
THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au
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JACKAROO HOSTEL 107-109 Darlinghurst Road Kings Cross, NSW Ph: (02) 9332 2244 info@jackaroohostel.com www.jackaroohostel.com PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.
BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02 9281 6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com O’MALLEY’S HOTEL 228 William Street, Kings Cross Sydney, NSW 2011 Ph: 02 9357 2211 Fax: 02 9357 2656 admin@omalleyshotel.com.au www.omalleyshotel.com.au SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL
428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au
THE ROYAL HOTEL
370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au KANGA HOUSE BACKPACKERS 141 Victoria Street, Kings Cross, Sydney Ph: 1800 4 or 02 9357 7897 Website: www.KangaHouse.com.au
SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire
KATOOMBA
KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!
BYRON BAY
AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!
ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey
NAMBUCCA HEADS
NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au
LAKE TABOURIE
LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie
QUEENSLAND
BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au
HUNTER VALLEY
GOLDCOAST
CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au
PORT STEPHENS
MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com
NEWCASTLE
HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au
SURF N SUN BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS
3323 Surfers Paradise Blvd, Surfers Paradise, Gold Coast, QLD 4217 Ph: (07) 5592 2363 Free Call 1800 678 194 info@surfnsun-goldcoast.com www.surfnsun-goldcoast.com TREKKERS BACKPACKERS 22 White Street, Goldcoast, QLD, 4215 BOOKINGS FREECALL : 1800 100 004 info@trekkersbackpackers.com.au www.trekkersbackpackers.com.au ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800 www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au
spbr@bigpond.net.au
BRISBANE
TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad THE DECK 117 Harcourt St New Farm Brisbane 0433777061 the_deck@live.com.au Designed with the working Traveler in Mind Minimum 2 week stay BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433 BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865
SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES
BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com
AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au
NOOSA
NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com
HERVEY BAY
NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com
TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)
COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au
CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free
DREAMTIME TRAVELLERS REST 4 Terminus Street (corner of Bunda st.& Terminus st.) Cairns 4870 Queensland Ph:0740316753 info@dreamtimehostel.com www.dreamtimehostel.com GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au
MISSION BEACH
ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH
28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au
CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com
WHITSUNDAYS
BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage, Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au
BBM-608 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE
AIRLIE BEACH
MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL
366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1199 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au
CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE
Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au
RAINBOW BEACH
PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!
WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH
WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com
PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS cnr Marine Parade & Eric St Cottesloe Beach Ph: 08 9384 5111 stay@oceanbeachbackpackers.com www.oceanbeachbackpackers.com ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966 madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au
www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com
YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com
MONKEY MIA
MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au
KUNUNURRA
KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au
BROOME
BEACHES OF BROOME 4 Sanctuary Road, Cable Beach, Broome, WA, 6725 Ph : 1300 881 031 bookings@beachesofbroome.com.au www.beachesofbroome.com.au
VICTORIA MILDURA REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704
HALLS GAP
BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au
www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.
BBM-608 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE
Australia
MELBOURNE EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au NOMADS MELBOURNE
196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com
Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay
BACK OF CHAPEL 50 Green St, Windsor Prahran, Vic 3181 Ph: 03 9521 5338 www.backofchapel.com NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com
$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad
FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS
450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au
PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com
ST. KILDA
OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au
Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply
APOLLO BAY
APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au
NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com
OUR HOUSE BACKPACKERS 33 Gilbert Place, Adelaide, SA, 5000 Ph: 08 8410 4788 Fax: 08 8410 6288 info@ourhousebackpackers.com www.ourhousebackpackers.com
HINDMARSH ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au
SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS
CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more
SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au
ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au
SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au MAJESTIC MINIMA HOTEL 146 Melbourne Street North Adelaide SA 5006 Ph:(08) 8334 7766 minima@majestichotels.com.au www.majestichotels.com.au
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ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand CHRISTCHURCH
CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz
BAY OF ISLANDS BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz
KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz
QUEENSTOWN
BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz
NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new fl ashpackers, now open with rave reviews.
FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER
CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz
AUCKLAND
WELLINGTON
NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com
NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakefi eld Stree Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night
$5 off fi rst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad
NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off fi rst night if you mention this ad
Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfi ji.comwww beachcomberfi ji.com THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fi jibeachouse.co www.fi jibeachouse.co
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SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfi ji.com Skype name: Smugglers Cove HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachfi ji.co
ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandfi ji com THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacifi c Harbou P.O.Box 416 Pacifi c Habou Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com
NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.fi jinadibayhotel.com NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj
BBM-608 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE
TOURS & ACTIVITIES SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS 1 Pathfinder Drive, Caloundra Airport, Sunshine Coast, QLD Ph: (07)54 370 211 or 04 18 776 775 bookings@sunshinecoastskydivers.com.au www.sunshinecoastskydivers.com.au
COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES
SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com
The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!
SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs
SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au
Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef
SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au
Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings
NEW ZEALAND
SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz
SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com
FIJI
SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’
SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA
THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au
SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS
Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au
FIJI
SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.
TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA
SKYRAIL RAINFOREST CABLEWAY Cnr of Captain Cook Highway and Cairns Western Arterial Road, PO Box 888 Smithfield, Queensland, 4878 Ph: 07 4038 1555 Fax: 07 4038 1888 mail@skyrail.com.au www.skyrail.com.au OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.
BBM-608 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE
GOING SOUTH
Four days, two famous Aussie icons, one awesome tour Ph: 1800 009 858 www.goinsouth.com.au
TEMPTATION DOLPHIN SWIM Marina Pier, Holdfast Shores Marina Glenelg SA 5045 Ph: 0412 811 838 Fax: (08) 8353 0750 info@dolphinboat.com.au www.dolphinboat.com.au
RAFTING
AUSTRALIA
OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au
Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited
MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au
HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA
BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au
STAND UP PADDLE SURFING AUSTRALIA
STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au
KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA
KITESURF 1770 / IKO CER TIFIED KITEBOARDING SCHOOL/CENTRE 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@kitesurf1770.com.au www.kitesurf1770.com.au KITE REPUBLIC Shop: 10-18 Jacka Blvd. St.Kilda Sea Baths Complex, St.Kilda 3182 Melbourne, VIC Ph:(03) 95370644 Mob: +61 418583233 info@kiterepublic.com.au www.kiterepublic.com.au
MARINE CHARTERS AUSTRALIA
ADVENTURE BAY CHARTERS 2 Jubilee Drive Port Lincoln, SA, 5606 Ph: 04 8842 8862 info@adventurebaycharters.com.au www.adventurebaycharters.com.au
KANGAROO ISLAND MARINE CHARTERS 9 Chapman Terrace, Kingscote, Kangaroo Island, SA Ph: 0427 315 286 Fax: 08 8553 0016 www.kimarineadventures.com
KAYAKING AUSTRALIA
ADVENTURE KAYAKING 7 Hastings Street, Glenelg South, SA Ph: (08) 8295 8812 bookings@adventurekayak.com.au www.adventurekayak.com.au
BIKE RIDING AUSTRALIA
ESCAPE GOAT Adelaide, SA Ph: 08 8121 8112 0422 916289 info@escapegoat.com.au www.escapegoat.com.au
JET BOATING
NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET
The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.
Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com
AUSTRALIA
JET BOAT EXTREME Behind Titanium Bar Ferny Avenue Surfers Paradise Queensland Ph: 0755388890 Mob: 0404099981 info@jetboatextreme.com.au www.jetboatextreme.com.au
ROLLERBLADING
SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Chris@surfingaustralia.com http://www.surfingaustralia.com Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience
MOJOSURF 2/9 Marvel Street Ph: 02 6639 5100 reservations@mojosurf.com http://mojosurf.com Living the dream… SANCTUARY SURFERS 201 Waymouth Street Adelaide South Australia 5000 Ph: 0403 134 478 luke.j.d@gmail.com www.sanctuary.net.au SURFSHACK IS AN ACCREDITED SURF SCHOOL Lessons from $50 for 2 hours Lake Entrance Surf Shack 507 Esplanade Ph: 03 5155 4933 Mallacoota Surf Shack 41 Maurice Avenue Ph: 03 5158 0909 www.surfshack.com.au
JUNGLE SURFING AUSTRALIA
JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS PO Box 117 Port Douglas, Queensland Ph: 07 4098 0043 info@junglesurfing.com.au www.junglesurfing.com.au
RIVER BOARDING NEW ZEALAND
MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797 www.riverboarding.co.nz
SHARK EXPEDITIONS AUSTRALIA
AUSTRALIA
ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022
RODNEY FOX EXPEDITIONS 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, Adelaide, South Australia, 5070 Ph: (08) 8363 1788 www.rodneyfox.com.au
GLACIER GUIDING
BUNGY JUMPING
Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz
AJ HACKETT CAIRNS Mc Gregor Road Smithfield, QLD 4878 Ph: (07) 4057 7188 Free call: 1800 622 888 (Aus only) Cairns.reception@ajhackett.com www.cairns.ajhackett.com
NEW ZEALAND
AUSTRALIA
Take a breathtaking guided trip on the West Coast’s longest and less crowded glacier amidst fascinating ice formations with NZ’s most experienced glacier guiding company. Offering a full range of trips to suit all fitness levels.
SURFING AUSTRALIA
SURF CAMP AUSTRALIA 235 CLARENCE ST, SYDNEY PH: (02) 9262 1757 www.surfcamp.com.au
67
CRYSTAL BALLS
Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week
blow your hat off. In fact you’re
least it might stop the regular
You’re funny, good-looking and
so thick you can’t even blow
closing-time beatings you’ve
intelligent but it might help if
your nose properly.
been receiving.
you went for a shower now and again. Come on smelly flaps,
Word to the wise, it’s not normal to have great big lumps
Virgo
of snot hanging off your ‘Same
SO you and your boyfriend
Same’ T shirt every time you
have split up.
get washed up down there.
Capricorn WHY do you insist on laughing
have a sniffle. It’s a sad end but to stay out
at absolutely everything – even
Expand your mind. Why don’t
all night and then proclaim to
little throwaway comments turn
you try and learn something
him that you had just taken the
you into a hysterical wreck.
DESPITE being one of the
about this great country you
biggest pounding of your life
ugliest men on the planet you
have come to apart from
from a male model in the hope
It really freaks people out and
seem to be able to pull on a
where the cheapest drink and
of making him feel jealous is
is intensely annoying. Stop
regular basis.
cheapest hookers are.
not on.
doing it before your roommates
Aries
murder you in your sleep. You think your chat must be
Especially as it turns out you
legendary but in fact your
Cancer
mates are paying prostitutes to
SOMETIMES you have to bite
girl pals houses drinking tea
Aquarius
talk to you because they feel
the bullet and swallow your pride
and playing Scrabble.
IF I was a betting woman
sorry for you and your hideous
and all the other clichés too.
face.
spent the night at one of your
(which I am) I would say you
Libra
Not only that but you now have
you were wrong. Putting your
SPEWING over the girl who
How did it come to this? When
a serious case of crabs as a
cock in your roommate’s mouth
you were talking to all night and
you first arrived in Australia
result of all the hookers you’ve
and taking a photo may have
had hoped you were in with
you were a sexy little fox with a
knobbed. You’re seriously
been mildly amusing to start
is certainly not what she was
washboard stomach and an ass
riddled my friend.
with - but proceeding to skull
expecting.
you could crack walnuts off.
fuck him until you jizzed onto
Taurus
his tonsils was taking things a step too far.
EVERY time people put their
Now you are a fat turd.
Scorpio
Put down the burger and go
IF things are so bad here who
for a run.
faith in you, you go and bugger
Telling him to ‘suck it up’ every
don’t you just go home? People
everything up. Can you not be
time he complains isn’t helping
are getting really fed up with
trusted to do anything?
things either.
your constant moaning about
Pisces
the cold and are actively trying
YOU’RE lucky I even bother
to avoid you.
writing a horoscope for you
It’s time to take a long, hard look at yourself and stop
Leo
blaming everyone else for your
MAKING new friends can be
Embrace the differences in a
should think yourself lucky I
fuck-ups. Be quick about it as
hard, especially when you insist
new country or piss off back to
even bother spending my time
well because you are hit and
on constantly talking about
Blighty.
looking at balls to find out what
killed by a bus on Thursday.
yourself, you egomaniac.
Pisces – you’re a waster and
the future has in store.
Try finding out about other
Sagittarius
This week will be a real shitty
people for a change and they
JUST because one guy
one for you anyway. It’s what
IF BRAINS were gunpowder
might actually want to spend
knocked you back doesn’t
you deserve you fishy piece
you wouldn’t have enough to
time with you. At the very
mean you’re not attractive.
of crap.
Gemini
68
are borderline obese.
For God’s sake just admit that
BBM-608 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM
ASK CRYSTAL Dear Maggie,
Dear Crystal,
Dear Sid,
MANY women of your age and
I CAN no longer get an erection
THIS IS a common problem
considerable girth (if that photo
and it is really pissing me off.
for men but if this woman was
is you) feel this way at some point.
Dear Crystal, SOMETIMES I feel like I’m never
as hot as you say then surely I pulled this amazing bird at the
your little guy should have been
weekend but when I took her
stretching the fabric of your
Perhaps you should think
home I couldn’t get the little fella
trousers to get at her.
about joining a gym or at least
to stand to attention. What does
regurgitating the twin sister that
this mean?
The only conclusion is that you
you surely must have eaten?
going to find true love in this
are as gay as Nivea for men and I have never had a problem
you should stop suppressing your homosexual lust.
world. Every time I meet a guy I
I find the best way to find a
with this in the past. In fact, my
think is the one he turns out to be
suitable man is to wait outside
over-zealous knob has got me in
a dick or, as in the last case, has
the pub at closing time. Your
trouble in the past (I really wasn’t
Stop pretending and go buy
an unhealthy love for his mum.
guaranteed to find the love of
poking that girl in the back on
yourself a pair of arseless chaps.
your life.
the bus delibrately).
completely on men and buying
As far for the rabbit, I reckon you
Am I doomed to live a life of
myself a 14-inch rampant rabbit.
might need the super-deluxe 24
celibacy? Please help.
What can I do?
inch model. I’ll lend you mine if
I’m seriously thinking of giving up
Maggie, Sydney
Sid, Melbourne
you want.
Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail Crystal via. editor@britishballs.com
JOKES TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS
I HATE hot weather. I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbour’s kids seem to do is scream. I’m seriously considering giving them back. Timothy, Perth I GOT an e-mail saying ‘At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!’ I thought, “That’s just spam.” Terry, Bondi I WENT to the best fortune-teller in Bangkok. She took one look at me, shook her head and scribbled something down on a piece of paper. She put it in an envelope and told me I must not open it until the next rainy day. When it f nally rained two weeks later, I cautiously opened the envelope. It said: “It’s raining today.” Todd, Coogee MY daughter is at that stage where she f nds it embarrassing to be seen out with me. When I dropped her off at school she wouldn’t even kiss me goodbye. She just left me standing there in my underpants and sombrero. Peter, Coogee IT’S been announced that a 3D movie of Glee is in the works. 70
Apparently the 3D is so good, it feels like the characters are literally pulling you out of the closet. Thomas, Brisbane SOME Africans earn as little as one pound a day. The lazy bastards. Jimmy, Edgecliff “AMERICANS insist Osama’s burial at sea is a Muslim tradition.” Five Minutes later... “Americans admit to confusing Muslims with Vikings” John, Brisbane IF Osama bin Laden could hear the sick jokes being told about him, he would be turning in his wave. Jack, Bondi I WON £10,000 on a scratchcard last week and the wife said we should draw up a list of what to spend it on. “Well, I’m going to book a holiday for one.” “Oh goody” she screamed excitedly, “I can’t wait!” Can’t help thinking she misunderstood what I said. Frank Cairns BBM-608 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM
SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE PlWDL+/-Pts Manchester United36221043976 Chelsea3621783770 Arsenal36191073067 Manchester City3619892265 Liverpool36177121858 Tottenham Hotspur3614148656 Everton3612159651 Stoke City3613716246 Bolton Wanderers36121014-146 Fulham36101511445 Newcastle United36111114-144 Sunderland36111114-1244 West Bromwich Albion36111015-1643 Aston Villa36101214-1342 Blackburn Rovers3610917-1439 Birmingham City3681513-1839 Wolverhampton Wanderers3610719-2137 Blackpool369918-2236 Wigan Athletic3671514-2336 West Ham United3671217-2333
LEAGUE 1
CHAMPIONSHIP PlWDL+/-Pts Queens Park Rangers46241663988 Norwich City46231582584 Swansea City46248142780 Cardiff City462311122280 Reading46201792677 Nottingham Forest462015111975 Leeds United461915121172 Burnley46181414468 Millwall461813151467 Leicester City46191017567 Hull City46161713165 Middlesbrough46171118062 Ipswich Town4618820-662 Watford46161317661 Bristol City4617920-360 Portsmouth46151318-758 Barnsley46141418-1156 Coventry City46141319-455 Derby County46131023-1349 Crystal Palace46121222-2548 Doncaster Rovers46111520-2648 Preston North End46101224-2542 Sheffi eld United4611926-354 Scunthorpe United4612628-4442
PlWDL+/-Pts Brighton and Hove Albion46281174595 Southampton46288104892 Huddersfi eld Town4625129298 Peterborough United462310133179 Milton Keynes Dons FC4623815777 AFC Bournemouth461914132171 Leyton Orient46191314970 Exeter City46201016-770 Rochdale46181414868 Colchester United46161416-662 Brentford46171019-761 Carlisle United46161119-259 Charlton Athletic46151417-459 Yeovil Town46161119-1059 Sheffi eld Wednesday4616102005 Hartlepool United46151219-1857 Tranmere Rovers46151120-756 Oldham Athletic46131716-756 Notts County4614824-1450 Walsall46121222-1948 Dagenham & Redbridge46121123-1847 Bristol Rovers46111223-3445 Plymouth Argyle4615724-2342 Swindon Town4691423-2241
LEAGUE 2 PlWDL+/-Pts Chesterfi eld4624148348 Bury462312113281 Wycombe Wanderers462214101980 Shrewsbury Town462213112379 Accrington Stanley46181991873 Stevenage Football Club461815131769 Torquay United461718112168 Gillingham461717121068 Rotherham United461715141566 Crewe Alexandra461811172265 Port Vale46171415565 Oxford United46171217-263 Southend United46161317661 Aldershot Town46141913061 Macclesfi eld Town46141319-145 Northampton Town46111916-852 Cheltenham Town46131320-2152 Bradford City4615724-2552 Burton Albion46121519-1451 Morecambe46131221-1951 Hereford United46121717-1650 Barnet46121222-1948 Lincoln City4613825-3647 Stockport County4691423-4841
OTHER LEAGUES
FOCUS ON... HOLLAND HOLY tulips! It couldn’t be any tighter in the Dutch Eredivisie going into the last game of the season with just three points seperating the top three. And to add an extra dollop of excitement, leaders FC Twente take on second-placed Ajax in the f nal game of the campaign with the title going to whoever wins. Ajax have the advantage of being at home but Twente only need a draw to retain the championship they won under Shhhhteve McLaren last year. Unfortunately, the fact that the top two are going head to head has pissed all over PSV Eindhoven’s spacecake as there’s no mathematical chance of them catching either club, despite being so close to the top and having a better goal difference.
PlWDL+/-Pts Twente3321843371 Ajax3321754070 PSV3320854568 AZ3317881559 Groningen33175111356 Roda JC33141271554 ADO Den Haag33166111154 Heracles3313713646 Utrecht3312813044 Feyenoord3312714−143 NEC33101211142 Heerenveen33101013640 NAC Breda3311517−1737 Vitesse339816−1635 Excelsior339519−2432 VVV-Venlo336324−4121 Willem II333624−6015
SERIE A PlWDL+/-Pts AC Milan3623943878 Internazionale3622682572 Napoli36215102068 Udinese36195122062 AS Roma3617910660 Lazio36186121260 Juventus36151291157 Palermo3616515-453 Fiorentina36121311549 Genoa3613914-148 Cagliari3612816-444 Chievo36101313-243 Catania36111015-1143 Parma36101214-942 Bologna36111114-1341 Cesena36101016-1240 Lecce3610818-2038 Sampdoria3681216-1336 Brescia3671019-1731 Bari364923-3121
SCOTTISH PREMIER PlWDL+/-Pts Rangers3729355590 Celtic3728545989 Heart of Midlothian3718910963 Dundee United37161011458 Kilmarnock37131014249 Motherwell3713717-1646 Inverness Caledonian Thistle37131113750 St. Johnstone37111016-2043 Hibernian3710720-2037 Aberdeen3710522-2235 St. Mirren378821-2432 Hamilton Academical3751121-3426
72
BBM-608 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM
LA LIGA PlWDL+/-Pts FC Barcelona3629527292 Real Madrid3627546086 Valencia CF3620791867 Villarreal CF36188101362 Athletic Bilbao3617316354 Atlético Madrid3615714752 Sevilla FC3615714-252 RCD Espanyol3615417-749 Racing Santander36121014-1346 Málaga CF3613617-1245 Osasuna3612816044 Levante UD3612816-1044 RCD Mallorca3612816-1244 Real Sociedad3614220-1544 Sporting Gijón36101313-843 Deportivo La Coruña36101214-1442 Getafe CF3611718-1340 Real Zaragoza3610917-1539 Hércules CF369720-2334 UD Almería3651219-2927
FOOTBALL RESULTS Thursday, 12 May Npower Championship Nott’m Forest 0-0 Swansea ---------------------------------------------------------Wednesday, 11 May Clydesdale Bank Premier League Hearts 0-3 Celtic Inverness CT 2-0 Hibernian Motherwell 1-1 Kilmarnock Blue Square Bet Premier AFC Wimbledon 6-1 Fleetwood Town (agg 8-1) Scottish First Division Brechin 2-2 Cowdenbeath Forfar 1-4 Ayr Scottish Second Division Annan Athletic 2-1 Alloa Queen’s Park 1-1 Albion Scot-Ads Highland Football League Formartine Utd 2-3 Cove Rangers ---------------------------------------------------------Tuesday, 10 May Barclays Premier League Man City 1-0 Tottenham Clydesdale Bank Premier League Aberdeen 0-1 St Mirren Rangers 2-0 Dundee Utd St Johnstone 1-0 Hamilton (Hamilton are relegated) Blue Square Bet Premier Luton 2-1 Wrexham (agg 5-1) Welsh Premier League Aberystwyth 2-1 Airbus UK League of Ireland Premier Division Derry City 2-0 Drogheda Utd Sligo 3-1 Bray ---------------------------------------------------------Monday, 9 May 2011 Barclays Premier League Fulham 2-5 Liverpool League of Ireland Premier Division Bohemians 0-1 Dundalk St Patricks 0-0 Shamrock Rovers UCD 3-0 Galway Utd ---------------------------------------------------------Sunday, 8 May 2011 Barclays Premier League Man Utd 2-1 Chelsea Stoke 3-1 Arsenal Wolverhampton 3-1 West Brom Clydesdale Bank Premier League Kilmarnock 0-2 Celtic Blue Square Bet North AFC Telford 2-1 Nuneaton (agg 3-2) Boston Utd 3-2 Guiseley (agg 3-3) (Guiseley win 3-2 on penalties) Blue Square Bet South Ebbsfl eet United 2-1 Chelmsford (agg 6-2 Farnborough 1-1 Woking (agg 2-1) Welsh Cup Bangor City 1-4 Llanelli FA Women’s Super League Chelsea Ladies 1-1 Birmingham Ladies Everton Ladies 0-0 Bristol Academy Liverpool Ladies 0-1 Lincoln Ladies ---------------------------------------------------------Saturday, 7 May 2011 Barclays Premier League Aston Villa 1-1 Wigan Bolton 1-2 Sunderland Everton 2-1 Man City Newcastle 2-1 Birmingham Tottenham 1-1 Blackpool West Ham 1-1 Blackburn Npower Championship Barnsley 1-0 Millwall Bristol City 3-0 Hull Burnley 1-1 Cardiff Crystal Palace 0-3 Nott’m Forest Leicester 4-2 Ipswich Middlesbrough 3-0 Doncaster Norwich 2-2 Coventry Preston 3-1 Watford QPR 1-2 Leeds Reading 2-1 Derby Scunthorpe 1-1 Portsmouth Swansea 4-0 Sheffi eld Ut Npower League One
BBM-608 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM `
Bournemouth 1-2 Rochdale Carlisle 0-2 Yeovil | Report Charlton 0-0 Hartlepool Colchester 2-1 Bristol Rovers (Bristol Rovers are relegated) Huddersfi eld 4-4 Brentfor Notts County 1-1 Brighton Oldham 1-2 MK Dons Peterborough 5-0 Dag & Red (Dag & Red are relegated) Plymouth 1-4 Leyton Orient Sheff Wed 1-2 Exeter Southampton 3-1 Walsall (Southampton are promoted) Tranmere 0-2 Swindon Npower League Two Barnet 1-0 Port Vale Bradford 1-5 Crewe Burton Albion 1-1 Accrington Stanley Chesterfi eld 3-1 Gillingham (Chesterfi eld are champions) Lincoln City 0-3 Aldershot (Lincoln City are relegated) Macclesfi eld 1-1 Herefor Morecambe 1-2 Northampton Rotherham 3-1 Torquay Shrewsbury 3-0 Oxford Utd Stevenage 3-3 Bury Stockport 1-1 Cheltenham Wycombe 3-1 Southend Clydesdale Bank Premier League Aberdeen 0-2 St Johnstone Dundee Utd 4-0 Motherwell Hamilton 1-0 Hibernian Inverness CT 1-0 St Mirren Rangers 4-0 Hearts Scottish First Division Dunfermline 3-0 Falkirk Partick Thistle 3-0 Raith Rovers Queen of South 3-0 Dundee Ross County 3-0 Cowdenbeath Stirling 3-2 Morton Scottish Second Division Airdrie Utd 2-2 East Fife Alloa 1-3 Livingston Brechin 1-0 Ayr Dumbarton 0-0 Forfar Peterhead 0-3 Stenhousemuir Scottish Third Division Arbroath 3-5 Elgin Berwick 2-2 Albion East Stirling 2-0 Annan Athletic Queen’s Park 4-1 Montrose Stranraer 3-0 Clyde The FA Carlsberg Trophy Darlington 1-0 Mansfi el Scot-Ads Highland Football League Buckie Thistle 2-1 Deveronvale Clachnacuddin 1-3 Cove Rangers Fort William 3-1 Turriff United Fraserburgh 2-1 Wick Academy Keith 2-2 Forres Mechanics Nairn County 3-1 Strathspey Thistle ---------------------------------------------------------Friday, 6 May Blue Square Bet Premier Fleetwood Town 0-2 AFC Wimbledon League of Ireland Premier Division Bray 0-1 St Patricks Derry City 7-0 UCD Drogheda Utd 0-1 Bohemians Galway Utd 0-3 Dundalk Shamrock Rovers 1-0 Sligo ---------------------------------------------------------Thursday, 5 May Uefa Europa League Braga 1-0 Benf ca (agg 2-2) (Braga win on away goals) Villarreal 3-2 FC Porto (agg 4-7) Blue Square Bet Premier Wrexham 0-3 Luton
FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS! CHECK out BBM’ s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.pr emierleague.com for all the latest r esults and standings. T able below was up to date at time of going to press.
Prizes
(in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $500 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100
# TEAM MANAGER GW
TOT
1 alovelycupoftea James Horrocks 46
2054
2 Stop, Hammertime! Paul Steadman 56 3 Dizzying Heights FC Siva Iyer 38
1985
4 every week you dan magee 48
1972
5 Alan’s Deep Bath jason kerley 56 6 TippytappyFC Richie Egan 34 7 Alcohol Fc Ron f 56
2016
1946 1902
1901
8 ur ma’s athletic brian o gorman 45
1847
9 The Roosters Steven Cairns 36 10 Arsenal Brian Harvey 45
1838 1828
11 Mukin Fagic Luke Gately 53
1821
12 Holy-family ‘B’ team Pat Mustard 39
1818
13 Insert Name Here Utd Richard Gadsby 35 14 Tallulah Neil Weaver 52
1797
1797
15 bobby dazzlerz tom mcelwain 39
1796
16 Rootin & Tootin Oisin Coveney 41
1793
17 Dinamo Kraken Tom Hopkins 43 18 fi sty cuffs fc Marc Roche 52
1791 1790
19 match fi xers;) Dermy Donnelly 56 20 Ozzies Allstars *** James Osborne 36
1770 1765
---------------------------------------------------------Wednesday, 4 May Uefa Champions League Man Utd 4-1 Schalke 04 (agg 6-1) Clydesdale Bank Premier League Inverness CT 3-2 Celtic Scot-Ads Highland Football League Brora 2-3 Wick Academy Huntly 2-4 Nairn County
New Entry Ranking Increased Ranking stayed Ranking Fell the same
73
WORLD SPORT FINAL HOLE GOLF: After his family f nally decided to go for wood over iron, the coff n of Seve Ballesteros (right) was f nally cremated this week. Ryder Cup captains Nick Faldo, Colin Montgomerie, Sam Torrance and Jose Maria Olazabal were part of the procession led by the Ballesteros family to their local San Pedro church. Hundreds of mourners applauded as the procession passed by - headed by his children Javier, Miguel and Carmen – although the event was marred by over-eager American fans yelling “get in the hole!”.
HAIR COMES OFF AFL: Aussie Rules’ reputation as the vesttop wearing hardman of world sport took a knock this week after a player was sent off for having a dangerous haircut. Nathan Van Someren’s decision to get a spiky Mohawk instead of the regulation AFL mullet was always going to cause problems but seeing as he’s been playing like that for three years he was understandably a bit peeved at being ordered off the f eld. He managed to get through two quarters before umpire Don Wheadon decided he’d had enough. “We all thought that he was taking the mickey out of me,” said Van Someren. “A few umpires have made jokes about my hair before, so I didn’t think any more of it.”
RUNNING DJOKE TENNIS: Novak Djokovic’s baff ing unbeaten run shows no signs of slowing up at the Rome Masters. At the time of going to press, the Serb star (who must be taking whatever testosterone tablets the Williams sisters take) had just battered Polish qualif er Lukasz Kubot 6-0, 6-3 to make it 33 straight wins this season. The 23-year-old will replace roidfreak Rafa Nadal as number one if he wins the title and the Spaniard is beaten before the semis.
IRISH SMILES CRICKET: Ireland’s hopes of making up the numbers at the 2015 World Cup have been given a boost by the the ICC’s Cricket Committee “unanimously” recommending that there should be a qualifying process for the tournament. Last month, the ICC announced a move to restrict the 2015 competition to the sport’s 10 full members. It led to a major outcry and the ICC later said it would revisit the issue. Ex-Ireland captain Trent Johnston said it was “A great result!”. We’re sure his sentiments were echoed by certain members of the Pakistan setup who for some reason love games where they are long odds to lose.
A GWILL TO WIN
DUD THORPEDO SWIMMING: Closet homosexual Ian Thorpe (right) has pretty much admitted he’s bloody useless at swimming these days following his return to the sport. The f ve-time Olympic gold medallist retired in November 2006 but has come out of retirement with the hope of competing at London 2012. Fat chance. “At the moment I’m not very close to being where I was before,” the 28-yearold Australian moaned. “On the whole I’m enjoying it but there are days when it’s a struggle. It’s really hard to do the training, especially if I’m down and I’m not swimming as well as I’d like.” 74
GOLF: We f nd it amusing when small, under-developed humans do things at a level that most competent adults couldn’t dream of. So say hello to sixyear-old Sam Gwilliams (not a typo) - England’s latest golf ng prodigy. After less than a month of playing the sport young Sam has been asked to compete in the Junior World Championships in San Diego, previous winners of which have been Ernie Els and Tiger Woods. We’re hoping he comes back with a hot blonde wife and a list of strippers bigger than his dad’s shattered dreams of being a pro golfer himself.
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FOOTBALL
VIEWS
THE WINNERS, COMEBACKS AND FAILURES BBM knew all along we would be seeing the Red Devils lift that trophy, despite their recent substandard performances on the pitch. Sir Fergie is already swimming in his red wine and Liverpool fans have to face the reality that Manchester United are – off cially – more successful than them. However, things are looking up for Liverpool and BBM has a feeling that they will be in the top four next season. Sir Fergie will be busy in the summer trying to f nd a goalkeeper as 64-yearold Edwin Van der Sar is f nally hanging up his gloves. And we all know how important goalkeepers are, just look at Arsenal. BBM didn’t think it was possible for Arsenal’s season to get any worst. To be playing for four trophies late in the season and to end up with nothing,
make ground on United only to fall right on the line. But it’s not all bad news for the Blues. If rumours are true, and both Kaka and Neymar move to Stamford Bridge, Chelsea will basically be the Brazilian national team. As for Carlo Ancelotti, he should be given one more season. He has proven previously to be a great manager and, really, is there anyone else out there who can do a better job?
what else can possibly go wrong? Coming fourth maybe? With Man City only two points behind them with two games to go, it’s a distinct possibility. Just like all season with the Gunners, when it really mat-
ters, somehow they just fail. Then there’s Chelsea, who at one stage were struggling to stay in the top four. Somehow they managed to pick up the fallen baton from Arsenal and
Speaking of jobs, it looks like Roberto Mancini has secured his for another season, after booking Champions League football for next year. Finally, Man City’s spending is starting see some return. – Lorna Evio Twitter: @sportswithheart
QUOTES OF THE WEEK “I came here to say one thing on behalf of manager Hossam Hassan: Zamalek players do not deserve this managing staff and we are now seriously considering resignation.” Zamalek assistant manager Tarek Soliman assures journalists there will be no danger whatsoever of an overreaction after the Egyptian league leaders suffer a surprise defeat to Gouna. “It’s about time I got a bit of respect off people for the career I’ve had. I’m never in the headlines for the wrong reasons.” Robbie Savage conveniently forgets creating headlines for ‘jobbiegate’, booting Rio Ferdinand up the ass in the Old Trafford tunnel, receiving more yellow cards than anyone else in the Premier League, being thrown out of a hotel by the Wales manager for disrespecting an opponent and many more... “This vicious accusation will not go unpunished. I feel very bad about this situation and so does my agent and the president of my club ... This time around they have gone too far.” Karabukspor’s Nigerian striker Emmanuel Emenike reveals he has begun legal proceedings against a Turkish newspaper after it claimed he “is actually 31 and not 24 as it appears on his passport”. “Aberdeen were miles better than us. Anyway, I would rather talk about Kate Middleton’s dress than how we played - I thought it was magnif cent, unlike our performance.” Terry Butcher, whose only previous fashion statement was a big blood-drenched bandage wrapped round his head, shows his Royalist side.
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FOOTBALL
NEWS ROUND-UP
WEEK’S FIXTURES Saturday, 14 May Barclays Premier League Blackburn v Man Utd Blackpool v Bolton Sunderland v Wolverhampton West Brom v Everton The FA Cup Man City v Stoke Npower League One play-off Bournemouth v Huddersf eld Npower League Two play-off Torquay v Shrewsbury Clydesdale Premier League Hamilton v Inverness CT Hibernian v Aberdeen St Mirren v St Johnstone Scottish First Division play-off Cowdenbeath v Brechin (agg 2-2) Ayr v Forfar (agg 4-1) Scottish Second Division Albion v Queen’s Park (agg 1-1) Alloa v Annan Athletic (agg 1-2) Sunday, 15 May Barclays Premier League Chelsea v Newcastle Arsenal v Aston Villa Birmingham v Fulham Liverpool v Tottenham Wigan v West Ham Npower League One play-off MK Dons v Peterborough Npower League Two play-off Stevenage v Accrington Stanley Clydesdale Premier League Celtic v Motherwell Dundee Utd v Hearts Kilmarnock v Rangers Blue Square Bet North play-off AFC Telford v Guiseley Blue Square Bet South play-off Farnborough v Ebbsf eet United Monday, 16 May Npower Championship play-off Swansea v Nott’m Forest Tuesday, 17 May Barclays Premier League Man City v Stoke Npower Championship play-off Cardiff v Reading Wednesday, 18 May Europa League Final FC Porto v Braga Npower League One play-off Huddersf eld v Bournemouth Thursday, 19th May Npower League One play-off Peterborough v MK Dons Friday, 20th May Npower League Two play-off Accrington Stanley v Stevenage
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A WAR OF WORDS BLACKPOOL took their practical joke feud with Preston North End to new heights this week after managing to get a cheeky dig at their old rivals spelled out on the Countdown conundrum on Channel 4. The producer of the longrunning show, known to be a big Blackpool fan, managed to shoehorn the nine-letter phrase “PNE CRISIS” into the show’s f nale, a reference to Preston’s relegation from the Championship. The show’s contestants then had 30 seconds to work out it was an anagram of “priciness” – which doesn’t even sound like a real word to us. Preston started the joke war last season when they draped a banner saying “forever in our shadow” on the M55 motorway as Blackpool fans made their way to Wembley for the Championship play-off f nal. Blackpool responded before the f nal game of the Championship season last week by hiring a plane to f y over Preston’s Deepdale Stadium with a banner reading “We are superior love Blackpool FC”. At half-time it reappeared trailing the words: “Poor little Preston enjoy League One.”
Blackpool and Preston’s feud may be getting out of control, but if football was Crocodile Dundee then Neil Lennon is currently uttering the words: “That’s not a feud… THIS is a feud.” After receiving bullets through the post and a parcel bomb in recent weeks, the Celtic manager was attacked by a fan during the club’s 3-0 win over Hearts in midweek. Police arrested the man who leapt from a section of the ground containing Hearts fans, ran towards Lennon and struck the Celtic boss as he stood in the technical area. FIFA puppet masters, Barcelona, clinched their third Spanish La Liga title in a row with a 1-1 draw at Levante.
Serial ref-pusher Paolo Di Canio is one of several potential managers who have been interviewed for the vacant Swindon Town job. Scouse messiah Kenny Dalglish has signed a threeyear contract as Liverpool manager. “I’m obviously delighted to be given the opportunity,” crag-faced Dalglish said. Wolves muppet Mick McCarthy says he doesn’t care if Sir Alex Ferguson picks Malcolm Glazer and the rotting corpse of Sir Matt Busby to play against Blackpool on the f nal day of the season. “I’m not bothered,” he t’monotoned in a thick t’Yorkshire t’accent. “I don’t know if Manchester United have got a weak team.”
THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE! with ace pundit Chris Kamara
ALANIA Vladikavkaz FC have qualif ed for the Russian Cup f nal – despite not scoring a goal in normal time in any of the rounds. The team play in Russia’s second tier and entered the competition at the last-32 stage where they faced KAMAZ Naberezhnye Chelny. The match f nished 0-0 after extra time and Alania went through on penalties. The same thing happened in the following round and in the quarter-f nals they were given a bye as their opponents went bankrupt. That gave them a semi-f nal game against Rostov last week. They repeated their old trick, drawing 0-0 and going through on penalties, to book a cup f nal date with CSKA Moscow. Unbelievable Jeff! BBM-608 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM
FOOTBALL
FEATURE
THE BIG SCREEN RONALDO – the fat Brazil one, not the closet homosexual – could soon be waddling his way onto a silverscreen near you following reports that the football world’s most skilful bucket of lard is set for a role in a f lm starring Juliette Lewis and Andy Garcia.
does with such cringeworthy frequency. Instead, the bucktoothed pie gobbler will play a bank robber in Marcio Garcia’s new f lm Open Road. “I’ll study the f lm seriously to do it well,” belched Ronaldo while sucking chicken grease off his lardy f ngers.
Surprisingly, it’s not a remake of The Blob or one of those shit cameos that David Beckham
Naturally, when BBM heard the news we immediately rubbed our hands with glee at the prospect
of a piece-of-piss football feature this week – namely a ‘top f ve footballers in f lms’ list. Vinnie Jones’s baff ing Hollywood success would naturally rate highly, as would the excellent Looking for Eric starring United’s Kung-Fu king himself Eric Cantona. And while he may have had trouble ‘rising to the occasion’ in later life, Viagra salesman Pele stole the show
in Escape to Victory. But then we thought ‘bollocks to that, let’s have a look at fat bastards instead.’ So here you have it. In honour of Ronaldo’s f nger lickin’ looks, we’ve compiled a list of current Premier League footballers who we reckon are certain to open a pub, pile on the pounds and die of heart disease when their careers come to an end.
...PREMIER LEAGUE’S TOP FIVE FUTURE FATTIES... FRANK LAMPARD After years of listening to such great chants as: “10 men couldn’t lift, couldn’t lift Frank Lampard; 10 men, 9 men, 8 men, 7 men, 6 men, 5 men, 4 men, 3 men, 2 men, 1 man and his forklift truck couldn’t lift Frank Lampard” and “He’s fat! He’s fat! He’s really really fat! Frank Lampard, Frank Lampard!” it’s almost inevitable that Fat Frank will f nd solace in comfort eating once his playing days are done.
GARETH BARRY The Premier League’s Mr Inertia. A study released last month made the less-than startling discovery that £12 million signing Barry was one of the slowest outf eld players in the top-f ight. Joey Barton recently said watching Barry go up against Germany’s Mesut Ozil at the World Cup was like “the hare against the tortoise”. A Jim Royle-style life in the front of the telly beckons for the motionless midf elder.
WAYNE ROONEY Rooney just has that ‘fat git’ look about him. The stocky Shrek-a-like burns up energy like a particularly offensive-faced pug dog chasing a tennis ball on the pitch, but as soon as he hangs up his boots you can bet he’ll be breaking out the Jagerbombs and Ginster’s pasties.
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ANDY REID Reid off cally became the fattest bastard ever to score in the Premier League when he hit the net for Sunderland against West Ham in 2008. When Kenwyne Jones scored earlier in the game, the striker celebrated by somersaulting over to the corner f ag and pumping his f sts in the air. When Reid scored, the Irishman celebrated by doubling over and coughing up a bit of sick. Probably. Currently trying to wheeze his way into the Blackpool team.
BENNI MCCARTHY At 33, McCarthy decided to go into retirement at the end of last season. Unfortunately for West Ham, he kept that bit of information to himself when they signed him as, judging by his f tness levels this season, his idea of pre-match training is a gentle jog up to the Nag’s Head just before kick-off for a pint and some cottage pie.
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SPORT GUIDE
Contents PAGE 80 Football Feature: We look at the Premier League porkers. PAGE 78 Football News: Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the f nal Countdown in the Blackpool-Preston feud.
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PAGE 76 Football View: With Lorna Evio PAGE 74 World Sport: Why AFL is a cut above the rest. PAGES 72 & 73 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables.
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