BBM Magazine Dec. 23 by bbmlive.com

Shipwrecked @ Bondi Beach NYE 2009 was listed in BEST LOCAL EVENTS by

1st Release Tickets: $300 - Entry / Unlimited Premium Beer / Wine/ Canape Package or $350 - Entry/ Unlimited Premium Beer/Wine/Canape & 5 Spirits Package Fireworks @ 9pm & 12am • Outdoor Terrace • Views of Sydney Harbour & The Opera House

SYDNEYS MOST EXCLUSIVE NYE VENUE

NYE @ The MCA The Museum of Contemporary Art

RALPH LAWSON (2020 Vision, UK)

JAMES CURD (Chicago)

ACID MONDAYS (2020 Vision, UK)

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BOAT PARTY 2011

New Years Morning 3.30am - SUNRISE - 8.30am Pickup outside The MCA from 3am aboard the ‘Lady Rose’

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CONTENTS The Cover

Review

Regulars

SIMON CLAUS - 16 Jolly St. Cowell is rewarding the nice Americans with his presence, while handing over a lump of coal to those dirty Brits back in Blighty.

BON JOVI - 22

Interview

Sport

LCD SOUNDSYSTEM - 24 “I started collecting records like

BECKS GETS A LIFE - 72 Publicity-shy David Beckham has ﬁnally been rewarded for his lifelong dedication to being attractive and slightly thick.

UK News World News Irish News Gossip Soaps The Wrap Interviews Sydney Melbourne Perth Recruitment Classiﬁeds Hostel Listings Crystal Balls Ask Crystal & Jokes Sport

“For those still stuck in trafﬁc on Anzac Road trying to get to the Sydney Football Stadium - you missed out on one hell of a gig.”

crazy, and during that time period we both became obsessed with the Beastie Boys on vinyl.”

JOBS & ACCOMODATION

6 12 14 16 18 22 24 32 36 42 44 46 50 58 60 74

MANAGING DIRECTOR Santa McMahon john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Benjamin Scrooge ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard the Big Cocked Reindeer richard.gadsby@what-media.com

UK EDITOR How Hannah Shakir stole Christmas hannah.shakir@what-media.com

CONTRIBUTORS David Mahoney, Dancer, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Blitzen, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Prancer, Fernando Xavier, Bethan Hacking, Alexandra McIntyre, Jeremy Williams, Hannah Allsopp, Ashley Moore, Vixen, Chloe Hazelwood INTERNS Marissa van Doorn, Jennifer Reilly, Zuleika Lopez Guilleux, Stefan Zimmermann

“

IT’S A JOURNEY THROUGH BASS HEAVY SHIT.

HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Frost design@what-media.com

WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber

“

WEB DEVELOPMENT ASSISTANT Shefali Khanna

KID KENOBI

ADVERTISING AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Tiny Tim Atkin mary.atkin@what-media.com

ADVERTISING Frosty Joe the Snowman joe.smith@what-media.com

Dave Hudson BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGER Ghost of James Marsh Past

BBM 4

james.marsh@what-media.com

PO Box 784 Queen Victoria Building NSW 1230

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BRITISH BALLS MAGAZINE

SALES AND MARKETING DIRECTOR Guchi Shakir PRINTERS................. Spotpress.................

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UK NEWS PORN OF FRUSTRATION THEY can raise tuition fees, sell off the NHS, bring back the Poll Tax – whatever – but for the love of God please don’t let the Tories push through their latest plan. They want to block porn from every computer in Britain.

“This is a very serious matter,” said Communications Minister Ed Vaizey while bashing one out on YouPorn. “I think it is very important that it’s the ISPs that come up with solutions to protect children.”

The disturbing move, which the papers back home can’t really criticise or they’ll look like dirty pervs, would force people to ask internet service providers to lift restrictions before they could log on to saucy sites.

Should the Tories need experts in online porn then BBM is only a phone call away. We conduct research on the subject on a nightly basis and have a particular interest in the area of amateur redheaded teens... with big tits.

Ministers hope the idea will stop children being exposed to sex at an early age.

Ofﬁcers responding to reports of suspicious

After discovering that goats produce more milk when listening to Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas Is You (seriously, we’re not making this up), goat dairy company St Helens Farm ran a goats-only online singing competition. “It’s been great fun and we must of course congratulate Greta on becoming the St Helens Farm Christmas number one,” said Farm owner Angus Wielkopolski. “She might get an extra helping of Christmas pudding this year.”

anything that came near the roof.

behaviour said the house was the only one not thickly blanketed after last week’s snowfall – with the heat from indoor grow lights melting

“I CLAIMED beneﬁts for basic survival. I’ll have to sell my home now. I’ll be homeless,” whined Dierdre Hynes when she was told she’d been wrongly picking up housing beneﬁts for 14 years and would have to pay the treasury £202,634 or face jail. Poor woman eh? Yes it sounds like it’s going to be a tough old Christmas on the mean streets of Croydon for Dierdre who started making the false claims in 1996. Fortunately for her, even if she’s forced to

A YORKSHIRE goat singing Hark the Herald Angels Sing has won an online talent competition. No really.

Sounds like a euphemism for bestiality if you ask us. But to be fair, if you’re going to shag a farmyard animal, you may as well do the goat equivalent of Beyonce.

FREEZE PUNK LIKE putting a hook-handed pirate up against ﬁve blondes with big tits in a police lineup, ofﬁcers back in Britain had no trouble picking out the local weedgrowing house in Aylestone, Leicester this week – it was the only one not covered in snow.

GIDDY GOAT

“By closing this drugs factory we have disrupted a signiﬁcant criminal enterprise, and stopped a large amount of drugs from reaching the streets of Leicester,” said PC Chris Gerrard, who then conﬁrmed police had followed up the drugs bust with an unrelated raid on a rizla-making factory.

sell her home in London, she has another house in Ireland that she bought with the benefit money. And a speedboat to get there. Not to mention the £320,000 in her 23 bank accounts. Actually, the fact that she’s absolutely minted is the reason she was charged with false benefit claims in the first place. The more we think about it, the more we think the scrounging cow should not only have to pay, but also be booted up the arse for good measure.

WHAT A CORRIE ON FORMER Coronation Street battleaxe Janice Battersby is responsible for the Deputy Speaker of the Commons being gay. Kind of. Senior Tory Nigel Evans, who stands in for Speaker John Bercow, was asked outright by Vicky Entwhistle (who used to play Janice) if he was gay at a party to mark the 50th anniversary of the soap. He told her he was. Evans said: “I thought to myself, ‘I am now telling people I am gay - it’s time I did something about it and told everyone’.” And in a weird twist, Janice’s on-screen husband Les Battersby was also back in the headlines this week – for getting sacked from a panto in Cheshire because he kept getting pissed and forgetting his lines.

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UK NEWS INSECT THE UNEXPECTED

CHAVS ON THE INCREASE YOUNG love eh? You can’t beat it… which is what the parents of two 14-year-olds found out the hard way this week after the teens officially became Britain’s youngest parents. April Webster and dad Nathan Fishbourne were both just 13 when they

conceived their son ‘Jamie’.

A TIGHT-ARSE mum who found a three-inch grasshopper in a bag of salad from Sainsbury’s is keeping it as a cheapo pet.

And in a not-too promising start to parenthood, the couple aren’t exactly sure about their relationship – with Nathan keen to take it up a notch while April said they needed a “cooling off period”.

Karyn Anthoine, 41, bought the fresh Italian style salad for lunch – only to have the springy bugger leap out at her.

She added: “He has not turned his back on the baby but he’s asking to do things like have him stay over at his house and that has caused some arguments. We have a few things to sort out.”

MISTAKE WAS ON THE CARDS WHEN sending a Christmas card, if you’ve written down the right house number, street and town, it’ll generally go to the right address. So Kate Vogelsang was a tad surprised to get a card this week that had all the correct information on it – except it was for the wrong country. Kate, who lives in Kingston, South West London, received a card for Shirley Dixons who lives at the same address - but in Jamaica. “I was absolutely shocked to see that the card meant for someone else so far away ended up with me,” said an easily-shocked Kate.

“I was scared when I first saw it, but the children wanted to keep it,” said Karyn. “Marie first named it Jiminy Cricket after the Pinocchio cartoon character. But after we found it was Egyptian, we called it Isis after the goddess.”

Ahh well Nathan, look on the bright side. When you join Fathers For Justice, think of all the cool superhero costumes you’ll get to wear. Bless.

Isis? We’re sure it’s a barrel of laughs with her as a mum.

Australia’s Gold Coast Choose YOUR OWN adventure in Australia’s playground

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Most savvy travellers think they know what to expect on the Gold Coast; brilliant beaches, super Surfers Paradise nightlife, theme parks galore and the best looking talent in the country. But only a plucky few explorers uncover more than the travel guides are willing to admit. How’d they miss 100,000 hectares of world heritage rainforest, 500 kilometres of canals, the year round water sports or the sacred indigenous landmarks? Perhaps they just weren’t up for the challenge. Choose YOUR OWN adventure in Australia’s playground.

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STEVE LAWLER // FRANCOIS K

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WORLD NEWS WOAH! YOUR BUS IS ON FIRE OH come on, it’s the easiest pun we could’ve thought of. You know, BBM is tired this time of year with all the tight deadlines to work to. And by work, we mean drink. Kings of Leon caused a right old disturbance down at the world’s biggest white elephant, the O2 Arena in the armpit of London, when two of their tour buses caught ﬁre.

control (well, you’d hope so, especially if you’re reading this magazine a couple of weeks late), but it took a good 60 ﬁreﬁghters. The band were hoping for some sort of help from above to stop the blaze, but all they received was a load of seagull shit, their specialty.

The blaze is now under

KET YOUR FIX HERE RESEARCHERS are being slammed this week after they paid 15 students £250 each at university to inject them with ketamine. One student (pictured) commented on her experience saying, “It made me feel scared. It felt like the bed was ﬂoating up and I felt very disorientated. I couldn’t ﬁnd my way to the bathroom.” “It was quite disturbing. I needed the money at the time and I wouldn’t do it again.” Well, until she gets the cravings, that is.

John Mitchell, a spokesman for Rehab Guide, an organisation which helps people to ﬁnd treatment for drug addictions, said the study was a ‘dangerous game’, further commenting, “It’s immoral. That’s just a personal opinion but it’s a very dangerous game.” Sounds alright to us, money for getting off your tits? Pretty much a day in the life of BBM. To avoid the lawsuit: we’re not suggesting you go and whore yourselves out for drug money. BBM’s sales team have already taken all the spots.

SPOONFUL OF CHRISTMAS WE spend the whole year doing our bit for the environment and Christmas is normally the time we let that slip slightly. Not this year though! All the way over in Taichung six students from Transworld University made a festive 12-meter tree out of plastic spoons. It has nothing on the creation BBM found in Redfern last week, but it’s near impossible to get close to the pictured work of art. The spoon-tree came about when the students won a competition set up by the Taichung authorities for the best design of a Christmas tree made out of recycle-able goods. We guess the students like KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) so much that they saw the spoons and had a brain wave. 80,000 spoons to be exact. That’s a lot of potato and gravy.

is a sign of an improved society, and a symbol of creativity.” No doubts about creativity, but come on, a few thousand spoons won’t change the attitudes of the world. Thanks guys, now we all have to be green this Christmas, and that doesn’t mean getting a real Christmas tree either. How will Santa come if he has to be eco? We all know he’s powered by Rudolph’s nose anyway.

THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX WHAT would the world be like without the iconic red phone box? Where would superheroes get changed, and where would you dart into when you see someone coming that you really have no desire to engage in inane chit chat with? Whatever you use the iconic red phone box for, it’s clear they have a purpose and our streets would be naked with out them. Since the rise and rise of the mobile telephone, these landmarks are becoming harder to justify, so BT in the UK have plans to turn them into ATM’s. There’s only two at the moment, but BT are sure it will catch on like wildﬁre – as will mugging.

WHILST us poor sods travel economy, Silvestre an 11month-old Orangutan gets to travel first class. When he was rejected by his mother at a zoo in Santillana del Mar, Spain, he travelled to the UK to come and live in the Monkey Rescue Centre. The Orangutan is one of a critically endangered species, so traveling first class was the only option. Magazines are endangered these days, does BBM get to fly first class too? Let’s hope he didn’t drink all the champagne.

The Mayor of Taichung stated, “Christmas must be celebrated in an eco-friendly way, and it is the same when we choose clothing or when we take a shower. An eco-friendly Christmas tree

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MEAT YOUR MAKER HERE’S a fun fact, the CEO of McDonalds died the day Australia introduced salads to the menu. Okay, so maybe it’s not true but we heard it from the hobo that lives underneath BBM Towers so it’s at least somewhat credible. Anyway, if you’re going to eat fast food you should do it properly - eating unhealthy, unnamed and unnatural-looking meat! BBM was understandably thrilled this year when KFC re-rembraced their lardbucket roots with the Double Down Chicken Sandwich. Imploding under the strain of healthy eating, the Colonel took two slabs of greasy meat, shoved some greasy meat in

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the middle and wrapped the whole thing in some more greasy meat. BBM is relieved we have a nonbread option these days, we are admtitedly looking after our ﬁgure. Don’t think this was the best deep-fried food this year, no siree bob. BBM’s personal favourite has to be deep fried beer - the cook ﬁlls salty chunks of ravioli-shaped dough with beer and dunks them in hot oil for 20 seconds, just long enough for the beer to stay alcoholic. That way, you don’t have to worry too much about what you’re eating.

PIERCE OF PUSS IT’S Christmas time, folks, and BBM has the present for you! You too can buy your own goth cat - a morbid, blackobsessed monotone feline who spends all day in their kitty litter listening to My Chemical Romance’s discography while moaning about being misunderstood. What’s that? Word just in from our sources that the emo cat has been sold out.

American Holly Crawford had, until recently, been selling gothic kittens on the internet. What makes them so gothic? BBM is glad you asked. She pierces their ears and necks. Holly offered the emo cats online for hundreds of dollars until authorities were tipped off by those pesky people at PETA. Shockingly, she’s now been sentenced to six months house arrest, and also ordered to shut her dog grooming business down after being convicted of animal cruelty. Prosecutors said that Holly gave three black kittens the piercings because she ‘thought it was neat’ to sell them online. To be fair, it’s pretty easy to imagine the beneﬁts of owning a business that ranks ﬁrst whenever somebody searches ‘pierced pussies’ on Google.

IRISH NEWS ROLL OUT THE BARREL MUCH like Jedward, the novelty factor surrounding Kildare’s famous sinking pub inexplicably refuses to fuck off. And the iconic Roches of Derry, which has lopsided ﬂoors and a tilting bar, was back in the news again this week after being sold to new owners. The entire American Ryder Cup team enjoyed pints at the pub in the runup to the tournament at the K Club in 2006 and it is also the venue for the renowned annual mid-

summer turf-cutters ball each June. The pub dates back to the late 1800s and was built close to Derryvarogue bog at Donadea. It means the pub has been gradually sinking for more than a century. Amazing right? Yet still it entices tourists from all over the globe who for some reason think walking on a slightly uneven surface is something that simply cannot be passed by.

Following the revelation that former RTE presenter Gerry Ryan died because of a reaction to taking cocaine, comes reports that the whole TV station is basically drowning under a mountain of white powder. In an interview with the Sunday Independent, Gareth O’Callaghan claimed cocaine has infected every level of RTE - including management. Mr O’Callaghan said: “I know of three or four stars in RTE alone that are using

the drug. “People would get a huge shock if they realised how bad it actually is,” he said. “That some of the people they look up to as celebrities - who they listen to on the radio, who they watch at home on their TV sets - use cocaine.” O’Callaghan also says Ryan once offered him coke in the staff canteen, telling him: “Don’t knock it till you try it”. Which is good advice for Indian food or abseiling, but not so good for class A drugs – especially considering the only knocking Ryan can do now after trying it, is on heaven’s door.

ANOTHER FINE IDEA THE always image conscious Fine Gael (see top right story) are trying to win over the football crowd by coaxing Louth gaelic manager Peter Fitzpatrick to stand for election. Fitzpatrick guided the county to the Leinster football ﬁnal last year and was approached by senior Fine Gael ﬁgures last week about running for the party. Apparently he’s mates with Fine Gael councillor Jim D’Arcy and would have attended party functions in the past. Sad bastard.

FINE Gael are apparently shitting themselves because a comedy character in a new political satire on RTE portrays party leader Enda Kenny as a twattish transvestite called Dame Enda. Well aware that publicly criticising the comedy show would make the party look even more ridiculous than it already does, they have instead taken the more slybastard route of privately putting pressure on RTE. One of the show’s creators, Oliver Callan, the voice behind Nob Nation, said this weekend he had been “made aware of the unease in Fine Gael”. He added that Green Tea, the name of the TV show, would be “sticking steadfastly by the portrayal”.

BLOW FOR RTE EVER wondered how the stars of Irish telly manage to stay so perky in these tough economic times? Well apparently it’s because they’re all off their tits on drugs.

FUN COMES TO AN ENDA

And we’re sure the extra publicity will have done the show – which begins on December 27 – no harm either. Well done Fine Gael, you’ve played a blinder.

STUPID BANKERS THE sterling work of the Bank Of Ireland in guiding the country through these tough economic times has finally been recognised – with revelations that one of the bank’s senior executives has received a six-figure bonus. Nice to know the billions in tax-payer money that was used to bail out the bank is being put to good use eh? Payment of the bonus to an executive at the Bank of Ireland Asset Management (BIAM) has infuriated Finance Minister Brian Lenihan who demanded a speedy explanation. However, bank sources said the matter was “incredibly sensitive” and was a difficult situation to resolve – which sounds suspiciously like the “women’s problems” excuse that girls use to get a day off work without too many awkward questions.

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GOSSIP FROSTY SIMON THE SHOWMAN BBM has a hunch that Australia isn’t Simon Cowell’s favourite place right now, after the country’s attempts at The X-Factor became quite disastrous. We sent our host to rehab after he whacked his fiance, contestants hid in caves for the week and it was watched by about four people. However, it hasn’t depressed Jolly Ol’ Simon too much, since he is worth about fifty gazillion dollars and all. Just before the UK X-Factor finale, Simon Clause handed over vouchers for Botox to his fellow judges - Cheryl Cole, Danni Minogue and Louis Walsh. I believe the pot called Simon and claimed he was black shortly afterwards. Walsh told Sharon Osbourne, “Right before going on stage, Sharon, on the final he says, ‘I’ve got a present for you three’, and he gives us envelopes... I got home and opened - it’s $4500 worth of Botox... he gave it to me. I think he gave it to the wrong judge!”

But don’t think Simon isn’t in the mood for taking as well as giving (wait, we worded that wrong). He’s pretty much conﬁrmed that he’ll be leaving the UK X-Factor to concenctrate on the American version, and he may bring along his merry elves - Cole and host Dermott ‘Second rate Davina’ O’Leary. Dermott, the second UK host, is tipped to be replaced by Lesbian Vampire Killers star James Corden, a relevant preparation if we’ve ever seen one. Over in the states, the rumour mill is tossing around names like Will Smith, George Michael, Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger and Mick Jagger. Jennifer Lopez was offered the role but took American Idol instead. BBM would be more than happy to take up hosting or judging on either show. All we demand is a bucket of peanut M&M’s in our dressing room. No red ones, thanks.

PARA NO MORE BBM was wondering why so many rocking hipsters (for lack of a better term) were acting like somebody had died over the weekend. It seems that all was not well for Paramore, as the band released a statement regarding two founding members, brothers Josh and Zac Farro, who have decided to leave, and it doesn’t sound like cricket to us! The statement reads, “None of us were really shocked. For the last year it hasn’t seemed as if they wanted to be around anymore.” Ouch! It continues, “We want Josh and Zac to do something that makes them happy and if that isn’t here with us, then we support them ﬁnding happiness elsewhere. But we never for a second thought about leaving any of this behind. We really hope that you can be encouraged by the fact that the three of us who are still here are ready to take on another chapter of our journey together.”

GOOD news! Scarlett Johansson’s back on the market after her two year marriage to Ryan Reynolds has ended. OK, that’s a bit insensitive, but we knew it would never last, as the pair got engaged as soon as they met, after he split with former, less attractive ﬂame Alanis Morisette. Isn’t that ironic? Then again, we’d marry Scarlett without even meeting the woman before the marriage. Mmmm...

THAT’S A BIT RICHIE FORMER BFF’s Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie aren’t so close anymore after Hilton was not invited to her former friend’s wedding. What a biatch. Richie married Benji Madden, of Good Charlotte fame, in a lavish ceremony that featured Nicole donning 3 seperate gowns and even included an elephant at the ceremony. Love it. But not inviting your former best friend and Simple Life star to your wedding? Without trying to paraphrase Miss Hilton, but that’s so not hot. We just threw up in our mouth a bit after saying that.

In other words, while the two slackers have ditched the fans who have signed their paycheques for the last couple of years, we’re here as the true Paramore. We can’t wait for Hayley to start wearing bandanas, braiding her hair and arriving to gigs three hours late, in pure Axl Rose style. On the ﬂipside, could the Farro brothers be going it alone, and looking for a little more of the limelight? By the time we ﬁnished that sentence, the two had already started a new band, Tunnels, with musician Jason Clark. It’s this generation’s Guns N’ Roses, and we love it!

AND the best arse in the world goes to… Kim Kardashian. Yes that’s right, the highest earning reality star ever has won the title of ‘Best Bum in the World’. Apparently a panel of arse specialists voted, putting Kim in first place, J-Lo in second, Beyonce in third, and apparently Rihanna came in seventh. We don’t know what qualifies as a derrier voter, but we’d sure as hell like to find out.

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SOAPS CORONATION ST. Another local is left feeling guilty when another victim of the tram crash is laid to rest. Steve threatens to call the police after accusing his wife Becky of stealing, and she is left shocked when he asks her to pack her bags and leave. Another shock comes to the street when Tracy Barlow reappears having been released from prison, and when she ﬁnds out that Becky and Steve paid for little Max, Tracy vows to Becky that she

will ruin her marriage to Steve. Tracy is further enraged when Becky and Steve refuse to wake up her daughter Amy when she says she wants to see her. Just then Amy is woken by all the shouting and appears in the door way and Tracy envelopes her in a massive hug. Another row ensues when she says that she wants to spend Christmas with her daughter. Is this where Tracy’s custody battle for Amy begins?

EastEnders

AS RYAN recovers in hospital from Janine’s shameless poisoning, she murderously goes for him again, squeezing his oxygen tube.

busy pub.

Seeing Max’s odd reaction to the news, Lauren decides to get her own back on Stacey and hands the confession of Stacey killing Archie to Janine.

However he’s saved when Pat walks in, and Janine confesses to both of them that she And ﬁnally Christmas Day is set was trying to kill him with an to be a scorcher in the square, overdose. when Janine storms into The Janine is pushed Vic and exposes over the edge Stacey’s crime. later in the week when she walks But it wouldn’t into the pub be an Eastenders to see Ryan Christmas if we declaring his weren’t all in tears. love for Stacey Stacey will meet her untimely end and celebrating with a kiss in in true dramatic the middle of a fashion.

That dirty dog Keith shares a Christmas kiss with Orla at breakfast. Will he have three women ﬁghting over him? Blimey. It’s drama in the Fahey household as Ben and Jo literally cannot put down their toys to have dinner. Arf!

TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

And as the locals stage a sit in in McCoys things heat up in the cellar.

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HOLLYOAKS + THINGS aren’t going well for Jasmine as her family struggle to accept her as ‘Jason’ and she resorts to self harm. A surprise romance kicks off between Darren and Nancy when the pair drunkenly fall into bed with each other. It looks like it’s not going to be just a one time thing and the pair are rather disturbed to realise that they have real feelings for each other. Meanwhile Carl embarrasses “Jason” when he is performing with Guy Candy at the pub and he outs her for being dressed 18

as a boy. With that, Bart suggests the two of them run away together, but will they go through with it? There’s dodgy goings on at The Loft when Danny realises Warren is up to no good. And the McQueen sisters are getting festive, but are they scheming? India’s murder storyline comes to a head this weekend, so it’ll be a tragic time for her family this Christmas.

Emmerdale

THIS week we ﬁnally ﬁnd out the big secrets between Alicia and Leyla when Justin announces he is Jacob’s real father, but did Leyla really sleep with her sister’s husband?

Declan is a little surprised when his father Dermot shows up, and Carl’s proposal leaves Chas torn over whether to go through with the sham wedding or not.

Meanwhile Justin announces that he will ﬁght for custody of Jacob, and Leyla vows to stand by her sister Alicia.

And Ella and Declan seem to be getting back on track when they share a Christmas kiss. Elsewhere Aaron sneaks off to the hospital to see Jackson.

It’s the night of Chas’s hen do and it spirals out of control when Cain punches Carl, but Chas is falling for Carl all over again, and it’s looking like she may well lose face. BBM-588 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

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WHAT’S ON SYDNEY FESTIVAL 2011

IT’S that time of year again, when Sydney manages to beat Melbourne at their own arty, trendy game. The Sydney Festival is in town next month and BBM has the lowdown on what is taking place around town. For the three must-do events, turn to page 34 for Sydney News.

DRACULA: One of the most inﬂuential composers of our time, Philip Glass, breathes new life into the classic 1931 Bela Lugosi ﬁlm with a live performance of his own score, rich in thrills and loaded with suspense.

mortals, or garb up in capes and faux fangs for the midnight screening. Both events take place amid the opulent grandeur of the State Theatre. When: January 24 Where: State Theatre Cost: From $60

Old-school Dracula fans and modern-day vampire groupies can attend the early evening screening as earthly

SUFJAN STEVENS: Brooklyn-based king of indie-pop Sufjan Stevens returns to Sydney to showcase material from his ﬁrst full-length album in ﬁve years, The Age of Adz. Stevens’ latest offering makes extensive use of electronic sounds with banjo and acoustic guitar giving way to drum machines and analogue synthesisers.

For his much-anticipated return to Australian soil, Stevens will mine his extensive catalogue of material to create an unmissable pop-song extravaganza. The TripleJ presenters wetting their pants in excitement as we speak. When: January 27, 28 Where: Opera House

of Europe, delighting audiences with their well-crafted musical blend.

ORKESTRA DEL SOL: This band reinvents the brass band with a riot of high-speed riffs, tall tales, brass bravado and foot-stomping dances.

When: January 19, 20 Where: Sydney Town Hall

Bursting with anarchic humour, wildly skilful musical arrangements and a roguish sense of theatre, this bombastic brass ensemble has toured the bars, clubs, festivals, streets and music halls

POWER PLANT: A playful and enchanting Festival experience for all ages, Power Plant will transform Sydney’s tranquil Chinese Garden at Darling Harbour into an enticing nocturnal world of sound and light. Wander along the Chinese Garden’s many paths and discover a secret, sensory and sometimes eccentric world with old

gramophones spinning peculiar sounds, clicking insects casting vast moving shadows and sudden ﬁery explosions. When: January 15, 16, 18 - 23, 25, 27 - 30 Where: Chinese Garden, Darling Harbour Cost: $15 Adults, $10 Children

MINTO LIVE: The suburban streets of Minto become the stage for new and original performances created by critically acclaimed Australian and international artists in collaboration with Minto residents. Minto Live begins at Minto Mall car park and takes audiences through the streets of Minto to experience contemporary theatre,

YOUR NAME IN LIGHTS: Everyone wants to see their name in lights, right? Iconic American conceptual artist John Baldessari is looking for people who want their name in lights, but just for 15 glittering seconds.

When: January 21, 22 Where: Parramatta Town Hall Cost: $30

dance, ﬁlm, music and song, before culminating in a pyrotechnic-based performance. Artists include Lone Twin, Gwendoline Robin and Hetain Patel. When: January 20 - 22 Where: Minto Mall Car Park Cost: Free

changing cult of celebrity in modern society and recalls Andy Warhol’s prediction that in the future everyone will have their 15 minutes of fame. When: January 8, 30 Where: Australian Museum

Your Name in Lights reﬂects the

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Dam Funk Edan Lord Finesse Guilty Simpson Promoe Raashan Ahmad 16 Wentworh Avenue, Surry Hills NSW 2010 (02) 9287 6440

www.tone.net.au facebook.com/tonesydney twitter.com/tonevenue

JAN 2011

THE WRAP FREAQ-Y KNOWN for his unique and unrelenting take on sound from both the studio and behind the decks, FreQ Nasty has been at the forefront of the action since the late 90’s. 28th Dec: Riverlife, Brisbane 30th Dec: Peats Ridge Festival 31st Dec: Brown Alley, Melbourne 7th Jan: Chinese Laundry, Sydney

DOGGY STYLE IN its inaugural ﬁrst year, Supafest drew over 65,000 people and with Snoop Dogg, Nelly, Taio Cruz and Bow Wow, Supafest 2011 is expected to draw even bigger numbers. April 9th: Sydney, ANZ Stadium April 10th: Perth, Joondalup Arena April 16th: Brisbane Showgrounds April 17th: Melbourne Showgrounds

REVIEW: BON JOVI VENUE

DATE

Sydney Football Stadium

December 17th

FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

Bon Jovi blitzed through a combination of twenty-six hits, covers and new material without any downtime or hesitation. On a list of top showmen, Jon Bon Jovi has to be at the top of the list, right?

1 2 3 1 2 3

TRON LEGACY

$3.4

MEGAMIND

$7.1

LOVE & OTHER DRUGS $1.9

NARNIA

£1.2

£5

HARRY POTTER

£0.9

£44

MEGAMIND

£0.6

£5.6

TRON LEGACY

$44

YOGI BEAR

$17

NARNIA

$14

$43

1 2 3

HIGHEST WEEKS IN POSITION RELEASE

MUSIC

1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3

GRENADE

GUY SEBASTIAN

WHO’S THAT GIRL

BLACK EYED PEAS

THE TIME

WHEN WE COLLIDE

MATT CARDLE

WHAT’S MY NAME?

RIHANNA

SURFIN’ BIRD

TRASHMEN

FIREWORK

KATY PERRY

RIHANNA

WHAT’S MY NAME?

BRUNO MARS

GRENADE

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

LAST WEEK

BRUNO MARS

RATING

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

INDIE BITE

No matter where you sat in the stadium, you felt like you had the best seat in the house thanks to the giant screen which projected a vivid image of the band playing, a very smart move from a group who truly ‘get’ concerts. FOR those still stuck in trafﬁc on Anzac Rd trying to get to the SFS - you missed out on one hell of a gig.

WEEKEND WEEKS IN TOTAL BOX EARNINGS RELEASE OFFICE

FILM

No need to guess which was the best track you’d be Living on a Prayer to think otherwise. One ﬁnal note; make sure to park in the Entertainment Quarter carpark. You’ll have more than enough time to ponder the awesome concert in the two hours it takes to get out from the top level. Good times. Ben Harlum

EVERYONE’S current favourite Welsh singer (sorry Tom Jones) follows up with Shampain, the 3rd single from her debut album The Family Jewels. This time a slightly harder edge comes through with an electro vibe, but her full throated vocals splodge their way throught the versus, with a more camp and girly vibe ﬁltering through in the chorus. There’s a deﬁnite 80’s inspiration here as synths eminate classic 80’s music reminiscent of Queen and even Slade. REMEMBER TO CHECK OUT WE LOVE INDIE EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE FORBES HOTEL IN SYDNEY.

COMPETITIONS THANKS to our friends at Future, BBM has tickets to see N*E*R*D live in person come January! It’s the easiest competition question we’ve ever asked, so visit the website for your chance to score a double pass to see them play the Hordern.

FOR one night, the Loft and Bunglaow8 join together in welcoming 2011 alongside international DJ’s including Frankie Knuckles & Crazy Penis.

BBM has two double passes to give away to The Year That Was - a comedy show which will slice and dice 2010 like a 6 year old Masterchef.

BBM are giving away a double pass to the event every week leading to NYE!

The event takes place on December 28th at the Sydney Opera House.

OUR friends at Paul Strange Presents and Space Ibiza are offering a double pass and a T-Shirt every week from now until the Space Ibiza Festival. Don’t miss out on your chance to see Andy C, Steve Lawler and Netsky live!

TO ENTER ANY OF THESE COMPS, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/COMPETITIONS.HTML 22

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RETURNS

F RI DAY 7 JA N 201 1 WITH

INTERVIEW LCD SOUNDSYSTEM dance to, because indie rock at the time had gotten really stale and a bit silly. We started playing together with two drummers, played a Christmas party at my loft and that was the genesis of LCD Soundsystem.

You thought it was all over, but the genre-mashing LCD Soundsystem couldn’t farewell the live scene without one last set at Big Day Out 2011. BBM’s BEN HARLUM caught up with Pat Mahoney from the group to discuss the last hurrah. You met James when playing for Les Savy Fav, how did that develop into the formation of LCD Soundsystem? James spent a lot of time with the band and we really hit it off, but he played us a bunch of music that we had never heard before. To me, it got me excited and thinking about making music in a different way. I started collecting records like crazy, and during that time period we both became obsessed with the Beastie Boys on vinyl. We decided to make music that you could

JANE

What’s the production process like, does James look after the album and you influence the live show or do you both collaborate? I play on a lot of the records, but the records are influenced by having to perform them as a live band at some point down the line. Even when James is looking after the album on his own he’s thinking about being able to perform these tracks live. James and I are always in a conversation about music and what is influencing us so that’s essentially the relationship we both have.

On a similar

note, how do you approach the live sets? When we ﬁnd out how a so und is going going to stay to work it’s that way, partl y because the we use is pret technology ty ancient thes e days. We often play the same set ever Gavin Russom is playing equip y night because ment that need replugged an d repatched m to be anually, which time. He can’t can take have two song s with differen next to each t settings other on the se tlist, so there’s of consideratio a ns that need to be made wh bunch with the tech en playing nology that we like. LCD Sounds ystem play Bi g Da y Ou t across the country in Ja nuary and Fe bruary. Gold Coast: January 23rd Sydney: Janu ary 26th and 27th Melbourne: Ja nuary 30th Adelaide: Fe bruary 4th Perth: Februa ry 6th

56, DOG TRAINER, TRAINER, 13th VOTED OUT

Poor Jane. Betrayed by her alliance, she went postal - putting out the ﬁre, going a tad crazy at her ex-alliance and vowing revenge as a member of the jury. One thing’s for sure, she would’ve won if she made it to the ﬁnal. BEN HARLUM called Jane to discuss.

Hey Jane, how are you doing? I’m good Ben, I love your accent - how do you like mine? Oh good, we can swap! Sounds good! You were the first person to tell Jeff that his tips in interviews and blogs influenced your preparation. How did you prepare? I was taking a trip and I opened up the airline magazine, of course Jeff was in there, and he said ‘why would anybody go on Survivor if they didn’t know how to start a fire?’ I went and found some stuff in Puerto Rico to help me learn, and had to convince customs to let me through with these coconuts. I bought some flint but my friend said I better learn another way incase my tribe didn’t win flint. I started using my reading glasses and once I found material that would smoulder, it was a piece of cake. My daughter would come home from school and I’d say ‘Yo! Come watch me make fire!’ And they’d reply ‘Mum, we watched you yesterday!’ I found out you could eat little pieces of

coconut during the day and you wouldn’t feel hungry so as long as they had coconut, I wasn’t going to starve - but there was no coconuts out there! You were backstabbed by your alliance and chances are you’ll be voting for one of them to win. It’s a big risk for them to take isn’t it? I looked at them point blank, especially Chase, and said ‘you just blew a million dollars.’ There’s no way in hell I’m voting for Holly or Sash so if the three of them are in there, they better do some begging to get me to vote! Did you ever think of threatening more people with the shotgun? If you told me you had one back at home I would’ve obeyed every command! [laughs] I’ve only shot one animal in my whole life when this fox chased my daughter around my backyard. It’s mainly for snakes, I live way out in the sticks so it’s just for protection. Survivor: Nicaragua airs Tuesday nights on Channel 9, with the huge three-hour ﬁnale from 9.30pm on December 28. To listen to our extended interviews, visit bbmlive.com/survivor.html

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INTERVIEW Plump DJ’s, stars of the very first Field Day, are back to celebrate 10 new year’s days worth of good times. BBM’s JAMES T. MARSH caught up with Lee Rous ahead of the event. Have you been working on some new tracks for Field Day? We made our departure from Fingerlickin a year ago, we’ve been working really hard on making our own label Grand Hotel a success. We’re starting our own club night in London so it’s been heads down really. We’ve come up with some really good music, done some really good remixes recently and signed some acts to our label and things are really starting to roll on now after such a prolonged, intense period of work and touring. How do you decide which tracks to remix? There’s two things, you’ve got to be proactive, go out there and seek tracks to remix. Say you’re really into an artist’s work and you think you can really do something with one of their tracks, you go and approach their management and basically knock on their door and ask. We try and not think about the cash and make sure we’re artistically fulfilled. If you remix a remix will the universe explode? What, like in Ghostbusters when they cross streams? [laughs] We’ve done a few remixes of remixes and we’ve done a few cheeky re-edits where we’ve fattened up the drums or fattened up the bass and we’ve actually sent it back to the original artists and they’ve released it as an official re-edit. Plump DJ’s play Field Day on January 1st, 2011 in Sydney. For details, visit fuzzy.com.au

INTERVIEW Over the past decade, Kid Kenobi’s contributions to the Australian dance scene can only be matched by a few of his peers. The Number 1 DJ in the Technics InTheMix Top 50 three years in a row, he’s at the helm of OneLove’s new Dubstep Invasion CD, which is available now. BBM’S ALEXANDRA McINTYRE sat down with Kid Kenobi to discuss the album. You have an impressive resume working with some of music’s biggest labels including EMI, BMG, Mushroom, Virgin, Fuzzy and Ministry of Sound… Yeah, it has been a busy, what, 15 years? I’m lucky that I have been able to stay around for so long in such a transient industry. Style-wise music is always changing and of course you change with it, I think that all music comes from the same lineage though. For example, dubstep has its roots in garage, and drum and bass, but the things that were played five or seven years ago compared to what is playing now, it is all influenced by the same first few producers. You have been working with OneLove for the last two years. What type of freedom has working with the Onelove label given you? I’ve known those guys for a long time and they are DJ’s first and foremost. They understand the music and how to appeal to a wide audience, and they are always working with new stuff. With this, they told me it was a dubstep album but within that I had complete freedom. This is the first Aussie dubstep album, it’s usually UK producers making this stuff and it’s a very different sound. You worked on this album with Glovecats, was there much collaboration? The only time we really collaborated was choosing tracks, “You can’t use that one, I’m using that one!” His is more in your face dubstep while mine is a meandering type journey, I wanted to cover as much ground as possible. I like it, it’s not abrasive. Can you describe the sound of the album without using the words dubstep… or invasion? Um... Bass-heavy shit? It’s a journey through bass-heavy shit.

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*LINEUP AND VENUES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE

INTERVIEW “When you are making music, you don’t know what is going to happen.” Aston Harvey, one half of celebrated underground dance producers The Freestylers, is seemingly nonchalant about the fact that their music has crossed over into the mainstream on a couple of occasions. With the realisation that music is universal, the reception is out of the hands of the producer. When interviewed by BBM’s Jeremy Williams, Harvey is adamant that “our ambition as The Freestylers is to make the best music we can possibly make. Its been that since we’ve started it. That hasn’t changed. We try and make people enjoy our music.” Having been around since 1996, Harvey and his cohort Matt Cantor have survived what could easily be described as a tumultuous industry. Whilst most acts have a ﬂash in the pan success, it is a rarity to still be going from strength to strength a decade and a half later. Interestingly, Harvey credits their continuing career on the fact that as an act they have never become fully mainstream. Chart fans may be familiar with tracks Push Up,

Don’t Stop and Get A Life, on the whole their material has steered clear of the radio friendly. But while genre wise they are akin to Groove Armada and Basement Jaxx, Harvey concedes “they have been commercially more successful in that respect. I guess when you are making underground music, you can just be a little more faceless and carry on making your tunes. People seemed to have embraced us, so we have been very fortunate. But I like to think we have always been making good tunes.” Admitting that “obviously ﬁnancially it would have been better. It is the nature of the music, it hasn’t really had that crossover en-masse appeal,” Harvey appears more than happy with his lot. As a musician and music fan, he still ﬁnds it “very exciting that somebody wants to pay you to go and play your music in another country. Especially somewhere like Australia, which is so far. We have been very fortunate in that respect.” The Freestylers play Sunburnt Christmas on Christmas Day at the Bondi Pavilion.

INTERVIEW Remember when hip-hop was a party? The Cool Kids do. Openly tongue-incheek, if they don’t satisfy your hype-riddled appetite, then you would be wellserved to stop reading BBM, throw their tracks on your iPod and rethink your position. BEN HARLUM spoke to Mikey to discuss their upcoming Field Day set. You released a new mixtape this year, but what’s been happening with the album? We’ve been working on it, it’s been finished for a while now. We’ve just been waiting for some legal stuff to be taken care of. Everything is good though, it’s definitely on its way! You’ve quite possibly picked the best time to come visit us in Sydney... Yeah man, it’s summer each time we decide to visit Australia. It’s real cold, snowing non-stop here so we’re looking forward to the weather. We seem to have a rep for putting on good sets so I’m looking forward to it. Really looking forward to it, in fact. There’s all these terms floating around to describe you guys, would you describe yourself as something like retro-hop or is that some wanky term the press came up with? [laughs] It’s definitely the media trying to label us. I don’t care who the music is from, I just enjoy listening to whatever sounds good. We wouldn’t sound the way we do if we limited our influences to purely hip-hop. I try to look at us as being new, but we are influenced by the old-school days of hip-hop where everybody would have fun and party.

The Cool Kids play Field Day 2011. For information and tickets, visit fuzzy.com.au

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WHAT’S ON SYDNEY NEW YEAR

Field Day THIS New Year is Field Day’s 10th year running and it seems like every indie, hip hop and dance musician in town will grace the stages of Sydney’s outdoor music festival. Known for its mix of prominent artists and upcoming local talent, Field Day 2011 will feature internationally renowned DJ’s Justice, Duck Sauce, Yuksek and others; plus live performances from Klaxons, Sleigh Bells, The Rapture and loads more. Where: The Domain When: New Years Day Cost: $135

Shore Thing THE biggest New Year’s Eve party in Sydney is set to be better than ever this year as Bondi welcomes superstar David Guetta, joined by Armand Van Helden and Aussie duo The Aston Shuffle with their first ever live act. Thousands will hit Sydney’s most famous beach to see the fireworks, dance all night and party and party and party and party… Where: Bondi Beach When: Friday December 31 Cost: $135

SPACE IBIZA: The world’s most famous clubbing experience comes to Sydney as Space Ibiza’s artists spin everything from house to hip hop to disco. Where: EQ Moore Park When: New Years Day Cost: $120

HOMEMADE: The Homemade Masquerade playground will be a world of fantasy with circus performers, burlesque dancers and ballroom décor. Featuring The 808’s, Matt Ferreira and more. Where: Home Sydney When: New Years Eve Cost: $50

MAD RACKET: European DJs Chris Duckenﬁeld and Session Victim bring in the New Year for lovers of house, disco and soul, away from the ﬁreworks and beaches. Where: When: New Years Eve, Cost: $55

HARBOUR PARTY: Music, entertainment, unlimited theme park rides and a spectacular view of the Harbour ﬁreworks make Luna Park the place to be this New Year. Where: Luna Park When: New Years Eve Cost: 144.50

PACHA NYE @IVY: Bring in the New Year in style in the elegant Ivy with internationally renowned Basement Jaxx and Bob Sinclair. Where: The Ivy When: New Years Eve Cost: $150

OUT OF THIS WORLD: Chinese Laundry will play host to a mix of electronic, pop, dance, dubstep and house sets including big names Nick Warren and Yuksek. Where: Chinese Laundry When: New Years Eve Cost: $35

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SYDNEY NEWS HOPPA & THE COPPA’S WE didn’t realise being able to place your finger in unmentionable places was a prerequisite to becoming a bouncer, but apparently John Hopoate fits the bill. However, he’s still in strife after he allegedly refused entry to a group on the weekend, then chased them before allegedly attacking a 27-year-old man. After spending the night at Kings Cross police station in a trendy blue forensic jumpsuit, the former NRL star (pictrued) gave reporters the finger when asked about the incident. Well, not that finger.

SYDNEY FESTIVAL SO the Sydney Festival starts soon, jam packed with events suited for any taste. Here’s just some of BBM’s favourites in 2011. Festival First Night: The heart of Sydney will be transformed into a magical wonderland, and you’re invited to catch some of the biggest names for free. Saturday, January 8th Eddie Perfect: Misanthropology promises to be a kind of twisted social autopsy, examining the stranger cultural rituals we ﬁnd ourselves performing. January 9th - 30th Paul Kelly in conversation: Paul will speak about his memoir, How to Make Gravy, - and his intimate acoustic performances of The A to Z Shows. Sunday, January 9th

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BBM hopes you enjoyed our Bon Jovi review, we wrote a much larger version than the finished product. Why? We had nothing better to do in the two hours it took to get out of the carpark. But never fear, the government is here to save the day! A 42-tonne machine will be used to move barriers before and after the peak periods to improve traffic flow. There’s a pun there begging to be used. There’s just one problem though, the machine will be parked in the middle of Victoria Road during the peak traffic.

TAKE THIS WITH A FINCH OF SALT YOUR boss may not give you a rise this Christmas but former Miss Universe Australia Rachael Finch sure will, posing stark naked in the creatively titled Box magazine. The mag donates the proﬁt from its subscriptions to ToyBox International, a charity that works to improve the lives of sick and disadvantaged children in Australia, and for whom Finch is an ambassador.

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MELBOURNE NEWS THE LITTLEST HOBO IN A tale that even warms the cockles of BBM’s cynical Scrooge-like heart, a homeless tramp was jizzing his pants with joy this week after his much-loved dog Hooch was stolen – then recovered by police. Dougie Walker, homeless since his mother died when he was 14, tied up his dog to go into a Hungry Jack’s but came out less than five minutes later to find his wolfhound had vanished. An emotional appeal followed, but seeing as the description of the suspected thief sounded suspiciously like another tramp, most people figured Hooch had probably been turned into dog meat by now. Instead, following the appeal in The Age, Hooch was spotted by a normal dog owner (as opposed to a raggedy beggar) and rescued from his kidnapper who lived under a bridge.

Dougie, phrasing his words suspiciously like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder said: ‘‘My heart leapt out of my chest when I saw him. He’s my whole life ... I used to be addicted to drugs. Ever since I’ve had this dog, he keeps me not on drugs.” Excuse us… we’ve just got something in our eye (sniff, sniff).

CEREAL OFFENDER YOU’D be forgiven for thinking a cereal called Weet-Bix Apricot Bites which has loads of pictures of fruit on the box contained, well, a fair bit of fruit. But you’d be wrong. The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission looked at four cereals by Melbourne-based company Sanitarium and, surprise-surprise, they didn’t exactly do what they said on the tin. Weet-Bix Apricot Bites were found to have only 6.5 per cent fruit, even though the packet was smattered with images of apricots and descriptive words. Wild Berry Bites contained 6.8 per cent berries and its Granola Clusters were also stretching the truth, with only 2.4 per cent fruit rather than the 6 per cent it was meant to have. And its Light ‘n’ Tasty Triple Berry cereal had a fruit content of 3 per cent instead of 8 per cent. So if there’s no fruit in them, what are they using? Well according to the commission it’s mainly a combination of sugar, gelling agents and wheat ﬁbre. Mmm scrumpcious!

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WHAT’S ON MELBOURNE NEW YEAR

SUMMADAYZE 2011 NEED a remedy for that New Year’s Day hangover? We have just the cure! Sidney Myer Music Bowl boasts not only David Guetta and Armand Van Helden but Justice and N*E*R*D atop the list for its New Year’s dance-a-thon.

Don’t bother getting in from the night before, just grab some brekkie and head straight down to the Myer Bowl before your legs stop working! When: January 1st Where: Sidney Myer Music Bowl Cost: $127.45

Starting at 9am, Summadayze is the perfect way to keep the party going.

CANADA’S quirky Hot Hot Heat may be a big enough draw for most, but when their support comes in the shape of Sydney upstarts Papa Vs. Pretty, this show goes from a might-see straight to a must-see. Fronted by the charming Tom Rawle, Papa Vs. Pretty are bound to be one of Australia’s biggest exports by the turn of 2012.

Enough praise for the talented trio and back to the headliners Hot Hot Heat. Having set the world alight with their eponymous debut, the curious quartet have never disappointed their fans on the live circuit. When: January 3rd Where: The Corner Hotel, Richmond Cost: $44

THE big ticket this New Year is to see global superstar DJ Armin Van Buuren chuck out the choons at the Etihad Stadium.

The Etihad Stadium is the place to party – with so many people to choose from you are near enough guaranteed to welcome in the New Year with a big sloppy kiss.

Guaranteed to get even your little toe bouncing, Van Buuren is determined that you welcome 2011 in with sweat pouring out of every little oriﬁce.

FOR those who want a bit of banter alongside their New Year dance down, St Kilda’s legendary Espy offers a perfect alternative to the Dutch superstar DJ’s. Previous acts to take part include The Drones, The Grates, Lisa Mitchell, Spiderbait, Mess Hall, Architecture In Helsinki, Magic Dirt, Children Collide, Wolf & Cub and many more.

When: December 31st Where: Etihad Stadium Cost: From $115

With Aussie rock legends You Am I topping a bill that includes Dan Kelly & His Dreamband and Airbourne, The Espy guarantees world class entertainment with a view. When: December 31st Where: The Espy, The Esplanade, St. Kilda Cost: $87

MARINA and the Diamonds were hailed as the cream of the crop in many of the 2010 prediction lists and though her debut album The Family Jewels was met with mixed reviews, her live performances have always won her applause.

make the most of a second summer, Marina will also be doing a few solo shows, notably this one at Melbourne’s legendary The Hi-Fi. A perfect chance to see an upcoming British musical icon in a legendary Australian venue.

With her current single Shampain winning over a legion of fans for her in Australia, Marina is hitting the festival trail hard. Clearly wanting to

WITH a name as intriguing as The Naked Face to capture your attention, the National Gallery of Victoria’s latest exhibition takes a look at the world of the self portrait. The celebrated medium gives an insight into the life of a well-known artist. From Rembrandt through Andy Warhol, these artists have been unable to resist the temptation

When: December 28 Where: The Hi-Fi Cost: $50

to represent themselves in their work. Yet even a quick peak though The Naked Face’s catalogue demonstrates the diversity of mediums. The Naked Face is more than a collection of selfportraits, it is an insightful journey into the psyche of the creative mind. When: Until February 27 Where: NGV, Fed Square

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100% Thrills

ROOFTOP Katie Drover Spacey Space Agent 86 Peter Baker DANCEFLOOR Muska Freya Tigerfunk Adam Askew Jimi Danger Rooftop BBQ from 1pm Always free, always fun. Corner Brunswick Street & Rose Street Fitzroy VIC

bimbodeluxe.com.au facebook.com/luckybimbo

MELBOURNE FEATURE WHEN you hear that Melbourne ranked near the top of the world’s most livable cities, a cold chill runs down your spine. Whilst the judges were no doubt accurate in their assessment, with Melbourne boasting a temperate climate and small town city feel, it would not have ranked so high if it did not have the amenities that set the best cities out from the rest. So, over the next few weeks here at BBM, we decided to take a moment to have a look at some of Melbourne’s biggest pulling points...

MUSIC VENUES Melbourne is undeniably the music capital of Australia. The birthplace of acts such as Nick Cave, The Living End, The Temper Trap, The Cat Empire, Magic Dirt, our beautiful Kylie and Danni Minogue, and even ‘the voice’ John Farnham, the live music atmosphere from pubs to stadiums is a breeding ground for talent. If you have $5 go down to The Corner on Swan Street in Richmond for a schooner of locally brewed Mountain Goat beer and an awesome new talent, or visit the gold walled Gershwin Room at the famous ‘Espy’ (The Esplanade) in St Kilda to see any number of amazing new, old, local and touring Australian bands. Other live pub spaces of note are the Northcote Social Club in the eastern suburbs, The Evelyn on bustling Brunswick street or for something different try the Paris Cat Jazz Club in the CBD.

Future Of The Left Corner Hotel, 2nd Jan

Grinderman Palace, 17th Jan

Cold War Kids Forum, 4th Jan

Sting Myer Music Bowl, 28th Jan

Interpol Palace, 7th Jan

Joe Cocker Palais, 8th and 9th Feb

The National Palais, 9th and 10th Jan

The Like Northcote Social, 19th Feb

If you have a bit more cash to splash about and want to see a truly amazing live venue then you can’t go past the new Sidney Myer Music Bowl, recent host to the likes of John Cale, Jack Johnson and Pearl Jam, the outdoor arena also hosts free events such as the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra daytime and twighlight performances. Festival Hall is the house of history being around for the likes of The Beatles, Johnny Cash, Frank Sinatra and the 1956 Olympics. It carries on this tradition with acts such as the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and ZZ Top this year.

And here are two of BBM’s recommendations for an ace Melbourne getaway. SurfShack is an accredited surf school which also hires boards and wetsuits. Lessons from $50 for 2 hours SurfShack Surf School Lake Entrance 507 Esplanade 03 5155 4933 SurfShack Surf School Mallacoota 41 Maurice Avenue Phone: 03 5158 0909

Apollo Bay Backpackers Lodge brings Luxury accommodation at backpacker rates to the Great Ocean Road. 23 Pascoe Street Apollo Bay Phone: 1800 157 280 0413 504 402 (03) 5237 7850 Fax: 03 523 77385 apollobaybackpackerslodge .com.au

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WHAT’S ON PERTH NEW YEAR

THIS New Years Eve {move} and ARTRAGE combine their creative powers for a musical celebration of epic proportions. Five international artists of the highest calibre representing the future sounds of dance and electronic music descend upon the Bakery for a one-off, brainfeeding, mind-warping and body-rumbling, explosion of beats, bass and mind altering sonic substances. When: New Years Eve Where: Bakery Artrage Complex Cost: $90

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB 1 Holdsworth Street, Fremantle DURTY NELLY’S 397 Murray Street, Perth ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW

55 Lake Street, Northbridge ROSIE O’GRADY’S 205 James Street, Northbridge NEWPORT HOTEL 2 South Terrace, Fremantle

WITH a ticket including top-shelf drinks all day, lunch and dinner, every little detail is taken care of so you can leave your wallet at home and let your hair down at the original and best ﬁrst class New Years Day party, Cuban Club 2011. Arrested Development and Bag Raiders will be shooting stars from the stage, while Sambalicious and Will Udall steps up to the stage alongside a quality DJ roster.

IT’S not every day that a club night reaches 6 years in existence, so it’s no surprise that Habitat is planning something very special to celebrate their 6th birthday. Slam will take over Geisha, supported by Flex, Aarin F and Richard Lee. When: January 2nd Where: Geisha Bar Cost: $20

When: New Years Day Where: Flying Squadron Yacht Club, Dalkeith Cost: $245 THE SHED 69/71 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge ROSEMOUNT 459 Fitzgerald Street, North Perth MURPHY’S 43 Mandurah Terrace, Perth

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RECRUITMENT

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HEALTHY VOLUNTEERS WANTED If you are fit, healthy and a nonsmoker between 18 to 50 years and are interested in helping us with our medical research, please call us.

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Unit Level 10, Parkes Building East, The Prince of Wales Hospital Randwick, NSW 2031

Reimbursement for time & expenses will be available (limitations may apply to reimbursement ).

Telephone: 1800 475 475 Email: volunteers.4.trials@gsk.com

JLU200301 Print 32 version 1, 09 October,

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JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA DO YOU WANT TO WRITE about traveling around the Australians West Coast? This is a great opportunity to get your name in to print. This not a paid job, but other beneďŹ ts are available like free activities or accommodation as you travel. Well established magazine now ten years old. Please apply to: guchi.shakir@what-media. com

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World Bar is urgently seeking an enthusiastic party person to join the hostel promotions team. Must be outgoing, friendly, approachable and not allergic to Jager! 12 to 16 hours per week, $17.80 per hour. Please send resumes to urby@theworldbar.com.

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PROMOTION MANAGERS WANTED. Sydneyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s leading event & promotion company is looking to build a team of fun, energetic and outgoing travellers to work in Sydneyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s best locations. Earn in excess of $1000 per week. You will need to be a highly energetic self-motivate individual with a passion for sales. Only 10 applicants will be successful. Contact: Nathan 0405 766 353

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SALES EXECUTIVE DO WANT TO SETTLE DOWN IN AUSTRALIA? DO YOU LOVE SELLING? â&#x20AC;˘ Generous package â&#x20AC;˘ An opportunity to become an Australian permanent resident and eventually a citizen! â&#x20AC;˘ Fantastic full-time sales role with growth potential â&#x20AC;˘ Both face-to-face & call centre positions! â&#x20AC;˘ Complete training available â&#x20AC;˘ Assistance with your visa We are a privately owned media company experiencing growth year on year. We require LOUD, FUN & SMART individuals to join our young & dynamic team to work out of our West Sydney and Inner West Sydney ofďŹ ces. As Sales Executive you will be selling to medium sized local businesses and organisations, gradually building strong relationships with your portfolio of clients. We want to see your great selling skills and your original ideas and marketing solutions. If you have a professional attitude and presentation, then email your resume and a cover letter to

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ACCOMMODATION SYDNEY BONDI JUNCTION. CHEAPER THAN A DORM: Walking distance to Cock and Bull and Tea Gardens. Rooms available: Singles, doubles, triples and quads. All bills inc. All rooms include kitchenette, fridge, microwave. Laundry. Spotless. Near transport. Oxford Court Accommodation. From $120pppw. 170 Oxford Street, Woollahra. Call 9327 2233 / 0412 547 840.

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BBM-588 // ACCOMMODATION

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ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au CASA RADIANTE 373 - 375 Bulwara Road, Ultimo Sydney, NSW, 2007 Ph: 0412692824 or 0404 246 003 STRAND HOTEL 99 William St Darlinghurst, Sydney 2010 Ph: 02 93606910 www.strandhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au

PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

LIDO SUITES 2 Roslyn Street, Kings Cross, Sydney, 2011 Ph: 02 8354 0956 Toll Free: 1800 060 954 Fax: 02 9360 5670 kcsuites@leisureinnhotels.com www.leisureinnhotels.com Modern, boutique studio rooms located in the hub of Kings Cross’ non-stop energy and within easy reach of all Sydney’s best attractions.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com KANGA HOUSE BACKPACKERS 141 Victoria St, Kings Cross NSW 2011 FREECALL 1800 4 KANGA Ph: 9357 7897 Fax: 8354 0439 info@kangahouse.com.au www.kangahouse.com.au HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL 428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

THE ROYAL HOTEL 370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

HUNTER VALLEY

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HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800

KATOOMBA KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

JINDABYNE SNOWY MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS Ph: 1800 333 468 7-8 Gippsland St. Jindabyne NSW 2627 Fax: 02 6456 1511 backpack@snowy.net.au www.snowybackpackers.com.au

BYRON BAY AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

GECKO’S REST 34 Sydney st Mackay QLD 4740 Ph: 07 49441230 www.geckorest.com.au info@geckorest.com.au

GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

NOOSA

MISSION BEACH

www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

CALOUNDRA CALOUNDRA CITY BACKPACKERS 84 Omrah Avenue Caloundra, Sunshine Coast Queensland, Phone: 61 7 5499 7655 www.caloundracitybackpackers.com.au

MOOLOOLABA MOOLOOLABA BACKPACKERS 75 Brisbane Rd Mooloolaba QLD (07) 5444 3399 www.mooloolababackpackers.com

MACKAY

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

HERVEY BAY NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

BBM-588 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

WHITSUNDAYS BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1105 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

RAINBOW BEACH PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

DINGOS BACKPACKER RESORT 20 Spectrum Street, Rainbow Beach QLD 4581 FREECALL: 1800 103 823 www.dingosresort.com 3day/2night Selfguided camping Fraser Island Safari PLUS 2 nights at Dingos Resort $219 NO HIDDEN EXTRAS and FREE Pancake breakfast with every stay!!!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au

ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966 madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com ROYAL HOTEL 531 Wellington Street, Perth Western 6000 Ph: 08 9338 5100 wentpert@fc-hotels.com.au www.royalhotelperth.com.au YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA TOWN SHOP Ross St Mall, Maidstone Cresent, Exmouth, Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060

MONKEY MIA MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

KUNUNURRA

KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

VICTORIA MILDURA RIVERBOAT BUNGALOW BACKPACKERS (Part of Working Hostels Mildura group) 27 Chaffey Ave Mildura, Victoria 3500 Tel: 0447 WORKER (0447 967 537) info@workinghostels.com.au www.workinghostels.com.au REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE GLOBAL BACKPACKERS 238 Victoria St (cnr Elizabeth St) Nth Melbourne, Vic, 3051 (opposite Queen Vic Market)

Freecall: 1800 700 478 globalhostel@yahoo.com.au www.globalbackpackers.com.au Best kept secret in town - small, simple, centrally located. $20 dorms Decent accommodation cheap!

EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 MELBOURNE METRO YHA

78 Howard Street North Melbourne 3051 Phone: (+613) 9329 8599 Web: www.yha.com.au Email: melbmetro@yhavic.org.au NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com $5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au

THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au MELBOURNE OASIS YHA 76 Chapman St. North Melbourne VIC Ph: 03 9328 3595 oasis@yhavic.org.au http://www.yha.com.au Inviting all British Balls enthusiasts to check out Melbourne’s completely BUNK FREE hostel. Guaranteeing a good nights sleep! Foxtel TV & free swimming pool pass. Beds start at $27.

HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au

ST. KILDA OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms RITZ FOR BACKPACKERS 169b Fitzroy Street St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, 3182 Ph: 1800 670 364 info@ritzbackpackers.com www.ritzbackpackers.com HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

APOLLO BAY APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 www.chillis.com.au ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au

HINDMARSH GROOVEY GROUP 10 Bacon St, Hindmarsh SA 5007 getaways@groovygrape.com.au Freecall: 1800 66 11 77 Ph: + 61 8 8440 1640 www.grooveygroup.com.au ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

BBM-588 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand TE PUKE HAIRY BERRY BACKPACKER HOSTEL 2 No 1 Road, Te Puke NZ 0064 07 5738015 or 021 520539 www.hairyberrynz.com work@hairyberrynz.com “Bring this add for 100MB FREE internet on arrival & we garantee help to get seasonal work”

CHRISTCHURCH CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new ﬂashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakeﬁeld Street Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off ﬁrst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off ﬁrst night if you mention this ad

GREYMOUTH

KATIKATI OUR LITTLE PARADISE 378 Whara Whara Road KatiKati Ph +64 7 5490978 ourlittleparadise@ihug.co.nz

KARI KARI PENINSULA NORTHLAND

DUKE BACKPACKERS 7 Guinness Street, Greymouth Ph: 03-7689470 dukenz@clear.net.nz www.duke.co.nz

THE RUSTY ANCHOR

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.ﬁjinadibayhotel.com/ TRAVELLERS BEACH RESORT 19 Wasawasa Road, Nadi Bay Beach Ph: 6723322 Fax: 6720026 travellersbeach@connect.com.fj www.travellersbeachresort. com.fj Skype: travellersbeach

NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPaciﬁc Harbour P.O.Box 416 Paciﬁc Habour Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

1 Tokerau Beach Rd Kari Kari Peninsula Northland 0800 78 78 92 info@rustyanchor.co.nz www.rustyanchor.co.nz

BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfiji.comwww. beachcomberfiji.com AQUARIUS PACIFIC HOTELS LIMITED 17 Wasawasa Road, Newtown, Wailoaloa, Nadi Ph: (679) 6726 000 Fax: (679) 6726 001 reservations@aquariusfiji.com www.aquariusfiji.com

THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fijibeachouse.com www.fijibeachouse.com SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfiji.com, Skype name: Smugglers Cove

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandﬁji. com HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachﬁji.com

BBM-588 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

ADVENTURE SPORTS SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

SIMPLY SKYDIVE SYDNEY P.O. Box 5060 Elanora Heights NSW 2101 Sydney International Regatta Centre

Penrith Lakes NSW 2750 FreeCall 1800 SKYDIVE Ph: 02/92238444 Fax: 02/92315878 Info@simplyskydive.com.au www.simplyskydive.com.au Awesome views of Sydney and the Blue Mountains!

SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

NEW ZEALAND SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com

NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

SOUTH WEST ROCKS DIVE CENTRE 5/98 Gregory St, South West Rocks, NSW, 2431 Tel: 02 65 66 6474 info@southwestrocksdive.com.au www.southwestrocksdive.com.au Experience Australia’s best ocean cave & shark dive. Catering for first timers to experienced divers

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. FISH ROCK DIVE CENTRE 134 Gregory St South West Rocks, NSW 2431 Ph: (02) 6566 6614 or 0414 381985 www.fishrock.com.au dive@fishrock.com.au World class diving, Gray Nurse Sharks, Caves, Whales...this is the real thing!

NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

FIJI SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

YOUNG TRAVELLERS TOURS MELBOURNE Ph - 0488 002 212 www.yttours.com Fun original tours along the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island! One day tour from $90 OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au

JET BOATING

NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

ROLLERBLADING AUSTRALIA

The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.

ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022

RAFTING

GLACIER GUIDING

AUSTRALIA

NEW ZEALAND

OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au

Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz

Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au

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BBM-588 // ADVENTURE SPORTS GUIDE

CRYSTAL BALLS Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week done more damage to one or

home one day.

two backpackers by opting

George Clooney in it.

to use more than your filthy

Have respect for others who

nails inside those unfortunate

have to eat it for God’s sake.

women.

You’re a bit of a wolf in sheep’s

Capricorn

clothing at times, so God help

THERE ARE no stupid

the poor sod you manage to

questions, just stupid people.

con into bed after your long

And you are definitely one of

MOISTURISE, moisturise,

drought. They won’t know

the stupid ones.

moisturise. Didn’t you listen

what’s hit them once your fruity

to what your mother told you?

mind launches into overdrive.

Cancer

Aries

You’re so stupid you were

Clearly not, since your face

tricked into buying washing

looks like that of a 124-year-old

detergent when you thought

with a penchant for sun baking.

THE ROAD to success is

Libra

you were buying cocaine.

SPLASHING your cash around You’re well aware of your

is all well and good – except

It may have seemed like

strengths and weaknesses - it’s

for the fact that you’re poorer

a great idea when you first

A change is as good as a rest,

just a shame the first column

than an Ethiopian beggar. Start

bought that surfboard but face

so book yourself into surgery

has two entries, whilst the

mooching off your friends

it, it’s too small considering

and change gender. You’ll feel a

second requires enough paper

before you end on a plane back

your ample frame.

lot better when you get to know

to send Officeworks shares

to Blighty.

what life is like on the other

skyrocketing.

always under construction.

This week you will lay in bed

Aquarius

Still at least you’re lucky

looking up at the stars in the

THE AVERAGE woman would

enough to be really good at

sky and will think to yourself,

rather have beauty than brains,

both eating and drinking.

where the heck is the ceiling.

because the average man can

side of the fence.

Taurus

see better than he can think.

SEX, drugs and rock and roll are three of the main ingredients in your life, but even

Leo

Scorpio

However with your girlfriend’s

Keith Richards doesn’t forget

YOU’LL LIVE while you’re alive

PREVENTION is better than

pasty ghost-like complexion

his mum’s birthday.

and sleep when you’re dead.

the cure, although, to be fair,

it’s no wonder she has taken to

The Cure were overrated in the

slapping on the fake tan. But

There are times when you

Nice theory but with the

first place.

it’s definitely unwise to attempt

have to put your duties before

amount of sleep you’ve been

hedonistic excess and one of

getting, it won’t be long before

Prevention is not all it’s cracked

those times is this week.

you are pushing up daisies.

up to be, after all, so go on,

Her half-painted face looks like

bare back away and hope for

something out of Braveheart.

Gemini YOUR NOSE is bunged up,

The time has come to cut down

you’re feeling incredibly sleepy.

applying it with the lights off.

the best.

on the double ended candle burning.

you’re constantly sneezing, When you die, you will want

Wise words for you is to never

Pisces

go to a doctor whose office

IT’S TRUE that you don’t know

plants have died.

what you’ve got until it’s gone,

to go peacefully like your

but also true we don’t know

It’s okay, there is no need to

grandfather did, in his sleep

panic, you haven’t had dodgy

- not screaming, like the

Sagittarius

speed - it is, in fact, crabs.

passengers on his bus.

FROM SMALL acorns do

You’re riddled.

week. Just like that advert with

what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

mighty oak trees grow - but the

A nice job, fancy clothes,

mightiest tend to grow from big

gourmet dining and loads

bloody acorns.

of cash – it’s just a shame

I bet you wish you hadn’t

Virgo

stuck your wick in that cheap

A BANANA is for eating, not

prostitute in Thailand now. In

for using as sexual stimulation

It’s all nuts to you anyway

arsehole that you’ve got no one

the last three months you’ve

when you’re a bit bored at

- you’re crushed by a piano this

to enjoy it with.

that you’re such an arrogant

BBM-588 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ASK CRYSTAL If girls can’t handle these little

person and dressed quite

you’re a jealous and most likely

quirks, surely it’s their problem,

conservatively. She also had

ugly bitch who hasn’t gotten any

not mine. Where do I meet a girl

just one steady boyfriend who

since coming to Australia and

who accepts me for who I am?

she went out with for two years

cobwebs have now appeared

before they broke up just before

between your legs.

Mark, Melbourne

Dear Mark, Dear Crystal,

she came to Oz. However, since we got here she’s been acting

What’s wrong with your single

like a complete and utter slapper.

friend going out and getting laid – it’s not the 1950s. You need to

MY advice is to ditch the girlfriend and all hopes of

She dresses like a prostitute,

stop worrying about her and get

marriage and get a Dolmio Jar

goes out on the piss all the time

out there and enjoy yourself.

EVERY girlfriend I ever meet on

filled to the brim with lean mince

and brings back a different bloke

my travels seems to be scared

and a raw egg - I guarantee the

every night.

of commitment. The worst thing

fuck-jar will never leave you for

about it is the trivial reasons they

your brother.

all seem to use. Recent ones have included: “you

Dear Crystal,

Borrow some of her classysounding clothes, and make sure

Apart from charging blokes by

you don’t accessorise by wearing

the hour, what advice can I give

knickers, down a bottle of wine

her?

or three and go out and enjoy Hannah, Brisbane

yourself.

pulled a knife on me for looking at another man,” and “you want

I’M really quite concerned about

me to stick four fingers up your

my best friend. Back home she

arsehole.”

was a quiet, well mannered

Dear Hannah,

to a bar full of desperate men than not one, but two drunk and

It sounds to me like your friend

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail editor@britishballs.com

There’s nothing more appealing

desperate girls in mini skirts.

is having the time of her life and

XMAS JOKES TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS

WHY the fuck did The Flintstones celebrate Christmas? John, Wollongong IMAGINE my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Shame it was a puppy. Jack, Chicago JUST think - the old homeless guy who sits outside my local train station doesn’t know what it’s like to have a full tummy on Christmas Day. But he will do this year, thanks to me - I’m gonna go down there and tell him. Dexy, Surry Hills CHRISTMAS is shit. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross. Peter, Yorkshire I ALWAYS get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches and cigars for Christmas. You should see their faces light up. Timothy, Perth I GOT a herb belt for Christmas. What a waist of thyme. Roger, Randwick 60

I WENT to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, you sick bastard. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.” Ted, Leeds HEATHER MILLS is getting a new artiﬁcial leg this Christmas. It isn’t her main present, just a stocking ﬁller. Rick, Darwin MY girlfriend told me she was hoping for a white Christmas... ...so I spunked in her eyes. Jimbo, Townsville DON’T believe anyone who advises you to get Christmas shopping done early to avoid the crowds. I did mine a full twelve months early and the shops were as busy as ever. Sam, Derby HAVE you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel? It’s for the Christmas period. Frank, Redfern BBM-588 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SNOW-AFFECTED SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE

LEAGUE 1

CHAMPIONSHIP

Pl W D

+/- Pts

Manchester United

16 9

Arsenal

17 10 2

Manchester City

18 9

Chelsea

17 9

Tottenham Hotspur

17 7

Sunderland

18 6

Bolton Wanderers

18 6

Newcastle United

17 6

Liverpool

17 6

-1

West Bromwich Albion

17 6

-5

Blackpool

16 6

-5

Blackburn Rovers

18 6

-5

Stoke City

17 6

-1

Everton

18 4

-1

Aston Villa

17 5

-9

Birmingham City

17 3

-3

Queens Park Rangers Leeds United Cardiff City Swansea City Norwich City Coventry City Reading Nottingham Forest Derby County Watford Doncaster Rovers Burnley Barnsley Millwall Portsmouth Leicester City Ipswich Town Hull City Bristol City Shefﬁeld United Middlesbrough Crystal Palace Scunthorpe United Preston North End

Pl W D

+/- Pts

21 22 21 22 22 22 21 20 22 21 21 20 20 21 20 22 22 21 21 21 22 22 20 21

2 6 6 7 6 8 5 4 10 7 7 5 7 7 8 10 11 7 9 10 13 13 12 12

22 4 13 9 5 4 7 7 6 5 -2 6 -4 3 1 -7 -5 -4 -6 -11 -11 -16 -12 -14

11 11 11 11 10 10 7 7 9 8 8 7 8 7 8 8 8 6 7 7 6 6 6 5

8 5 4 4 6 4 9 9 3 6 6 8 5 7 4 4 3 8 5 4 3 3 2 4

41 38 37 37 36 34 30 30 30 30 30 29 29 28 28 28 27 26 26 25 21 21 20 19

Brighton and Hove Albion Shefﬁeld Wednesday Huddersﬁeld Town Charlton Athletic AFC Bournemouth Colchester United Oldham Athletic Peterborough United Exeter City Southampton Brentford Carlisle United Hartlepool United Milton Keynes Dons FC Plymouth Argyle Leyton Orient Swindon Town Rochdale Notts County Tranmere Rovers Bristol Rovers Dagenham & Redbridge Walsall Yeovil Town

LEAGUE 2

Pl W D

+/- Pts

19 21 19 19 19 19 18 19 20 19 19 19 18 19 19 19 19 19 18 19 19 19 19 19

3 8 7 5 5 3 3 8 7 7 7 6 6 9 8 7 7 7 10 9 7 9 12 11

16 13 10 6 15 2 6 -2 -2 8 2 6 -3 -7 -4 1 -3 1 -5 -8 -11 -11 -14 -16

10 10 10 9 8 7 7 9 8 8 8 7 7 8 7 6 6 5 7 6 5 4 5 4

6 3 2 5 6 9 8 2 5 4 4 6 5 2 4 6 6 7 1 4 7 6 2 4

Chesterﬁeld Port Vale Bury Rotherham United Shrewsbury Town Wycombe Wanderers Torquay United Cheltenham Town Crewe Alexandra Macclesﬁeld Town Stevenage Football Club Burton Albion Gillingham Bradford City Northampton Town Oxford United Southend United Aldershot Town Accrington Stanley Morecambe Stockport County Lincoln City Barnet Hereford United

36 33 32 32 30 30 29 29 29 28 28 27 26 26 25 24 24 22 22 22 22 18 17 16

Pl W D

+/- Pts

19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 20 19 19 19 19 19 20 18 20 19

3 3 5 3 4 4 5 6 5 8 5 7 7 9 8 8 8 7 6 8 8 9 11 10

16 16 14 9 13 7 8 -3 12 -5 4 3 -3 -3 -6 -2 -2 -7 -3 -6 -20 -12 -13 -17

11 10 10 9 9 8 7 7 6 7 5 6 6 7 6 6 6 5 4 5 4 5 5 3

5 6 4 7 6 7 7 6 8 4 9 6 6 3 6 5 5 7 9 6 8 4 4 6

38 36 34 34 33 31 28 27 26 25 24 24 24 24 24 23 23 22 21 21 20 19 19 15

EUROPEAN LEAGUES

FOCUS ON... SERIE A CONGRATULATIONS to Rafa Benitez who has somehow managed to turn Italian, European and World club champions Inter Milan into a global laughing stock after just six months in charge. He must be delighted. It took him six years to do the same with Liverpool. Confusion didn’t reign at Inter this week, it just took up it’s usual position of assistant coach to Benitez after reports the Spanish prat had been sacked were quickly followed by less-than ﬂowing endorsements by Inter president Massimo Moratti. “At the moment the coach of Inter is

still Benitez,” said Moratti ominously. “I haven’t been in contact with any other coach.” The rumours came after batty Benitez made a slightly ill-advised ‘back me or sack me’ plea following Inter’s victory in the World Mickey Mouse Cup – despite the fact the club are 13 points behind league leaders AC Milan and struggling for form in the Champions League. Apparently he needs to sign at least four new players to make the club competitive. Because, of course, the treble-winning players he inherited from last season aren’t competitive at all. Idiot.

SERIE A AC Milan Napoli Lazio Juventus AS Roma Palermo Internazionale Sampdoria Udinese Chievo Genoa Catania Cagliari Bologna Fiorentina Parma Brescia Cesena Lecce Bari

LA LIGA

Pl W D

+/- Pts

17 17 17 17 17 17 15 16 17 17 16 17 17 17 16 17 17 16 17 17

3 4 4 2 4 6 4 3 8 6 7 6 7 6 7 6 10 9 10 10

16 9 8 15 2 7 6 5 0 0 -2 -4 3 -7 -1 -6 -9 -9 -18 -15

11 10 10 8 8 8 6 5 7 5 6 5 5 5 5 4 4 4 4 2

3 3 3 7 5 3 5 8 2 6 3 6 5 6 4 7 3 3 3 5

36 33 33 31 29 27 23 23 23 21 21 21 20 20 19 19 15 15 15 11

FC Barcelona Real Madrid Villarreal CF Valencia CF RCD Espanyol Atlético Madrid Getafe CF Athletic Bilbao Real Sociedad RCD Mallorca Sevilla FC Hércules CF Deportivo La Coruña Racing Santander Osasuna Levante UD UD Almería Málaga CF Sporting Gijón Real Zaragoza

Pl W D

+/- Pts

16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16

1 1 3 4 6 6 6 7 8 7 8 7 6 8 7 9 7 11 8 8

42 27 16 5 -4 8 4 -2 -4 -4 -6 -4 -6 -10 -5 -8 -10 -15 -11 -13

14 13 10 8 9 8 8 8 7 6 6 5 4 5 4 4 2 4 2 1

1 2 3 4 1 2 2 1 1 3 2 4 6 3 5 3 7 1 6 7

SCOTTISH PREMIER Rangers Celtic Heart of Midlothian Inverness Caledonian Thistle Kilmarnock Motherwell Dundee United St. Johnstone Hibernian St. Mirren Hamilton Academical Aberdeen

Pl W D

+/- Pts

15 16 17 17 17 15 14 16 16 16 15 16

1 2 4 4 7 6 5 8 9 9 9 12

19 23 15 8 7 5 -5 -11 -9 -13 -18 -21

12 11 10 7 7 7 5 5 4 3 2 3

2 3 3 6 3 2 4 3 3 4 4 1

38 36 33 27 24 23 19 18 15 13 10 10

BBM-588 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

43 41 33 28 28 26 26 25 22 21 20 19 18 18 17 15 13 13 12 10

FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS!

FOOTBALL RESULTS Tuesday, 21 December Clydesdale Bank Premier League Celtic 1-1 Kilmarnock Monday, 20 December Barclays Premier League Man City 1-2 Everton Sunday, 19 December International Match Honduras 2-1 Panama

Blue Square Premier Hayes & Yeading 2-1 Eastbourne Boro Blue Square South Boreham Wood 6-3 Weston-S-Mare Monday, 6 December Barclays Premier League Liverpool 3-0 Aston Villa Sunday, 5 December Barclays Premier League Sunderland 1-0 West Ham West Brom 3-1 Newcastle

Saturday, 18 December Barclays Premier League Blackburn 1-1 West Ham Sunderland 1-0 Bolton FIFA Club World Cup Internacional 4-2 Seongnam Chunma TP Mazembe Englebert 0-3 Inter Milan Npower Championship Coventry 1-2 Norwich Derby 1-2 Reading Hull 2-0 Bristol City Ipswich 3-0 Leicester Leeds 2-0 QPR Nott’m Forest 3-0 Crystal Palace Sheff Utd 1-0 Swansea Npower League One Exeter 5-1 Sheff Wed Clydesdale Premier League Hearts 1-1 Inverness CT Kilmarnock 2-1 Hibernian Blue Square Premier Fleetwood Town 1-1 Newport County Scottish League First Division Dundee 2-0 Stirling Scottish League Second Division Alloa 2-3 Airdrie Utd Scottish League Third Division Queen’s Park 1-1 Elgin International Match China PR 3-0 Estonia

Scottish League Championship Second Division Alloa 2-2 Peterhead

Friday, 17 December Npower Championship Doncaster 2-1 Middlesbrough

Principality Building Society Welsh Premier Bangor City 8-1 Port Talbot The New Saints 2-0 Airbus UK

Thursday, 9 December The FA Cup Luton 1-3 Charlton Wednesday, 8 December Uefa Champions League AC Milan 0-2 Ajax Arsenal 3-1 Partizan Belgrade Bayern Munich 3-0 Basle CFR 1907 Cluj-Napoca 1-1 Roma Marseille 1-0 Chelsea MSK Zilina 1-2 Spartak Moscow Real Madrid 4-0 Auxerre Shakhtar Donetsk 2-0 Braga The FA Cup FC United of Manchester 0-4 Brighton FIFA Club World Cup Al-Wahda 3-0 Hekari United Tuesday, 7 December Uefa Champions League Barcelona 2-0 Rubin Kazan Benﬁca 1-2 Schalke 04 Bursaspor 1-1 Rangers FC Copenhagen 3-1 Panathinaikos FC Twente 3-3 Tottenham Lyon 2-2 Hapoel Tel-Aviv Man Utd 1-1 Valencia Werder Bremen 3-0 Inter Milan The FA Cup Leyton Orient 8-2 Droylsden (After Extra Time) Swindon 2-3 Crawley Town (After Extra Time)

BBM-588 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

Saturday, 4 December Barclays Premier League Arsenal 2-1 Fulham Birmingham 1-1 Tottenham Blackburn 3-0 Wolverhampton Chelsea 1-1 Everton Man City 1-0 Bolton Wigan 2-2 Stoke Npower Championship Cardiff 1-1 Preston Coventry 1-0 Middlesbrough Derby 1-2 Norwich Ipswich 1-3 Swansea Leeds United 2-1 Crystal Palace Millwall 3-0 Scunthorpe Watford 3-2 Leicester Npower League One Swindon 2-1 Sheff Wed Npower League Two Northampton 2-0 Stockport Oxford Utd 2-1 Barnet

Thursday, 2 December Uefa Europa League BATE Borisov 1-4 Dynamo Kiev Borussia Dortmund 3-0 Karpaty Lviv CSKA Moscow 5-1 Lausanne Sports CSKA Soﬁa 1-2 Besiktas FC Sheriff Tiraspol 1-1 AZ Alkmaar FC Utrecht 3-3 Napoli Palermo 2-2 Sparta Prague PAOK Salonika 1-1 Club Bruges Paris SG 4-2 Sevilla Rapid Vienna 1-3 FC Porto Steaua Bucharest 1-1 Liverpool Villarreal 3-0 Dinamo Zagreb Wednesday, 1 December Uefa Europa League AA Gent 1-0 Levski Soﬁa Atletico Madrid 2-3 Aris Salonika FC Metalist Kharkiv 2-1 Debrecen Hajduk Split 1-3 AEK Athens Lech Poznan 1-1 Juventus Man City 3-0 Red Bull Salzburg | Report Odense BK 1-1 Getafe Rosenborg 0-1 Bayer Leverkusen Sampdoria 1-2 PSV Eindhoven Sporting 1-0 Lille Young Boys 4-2 VfB Stuttgart Zenit St Petersburg 3-1 Anderlecht Carling Cup Birmingham 2-1 Aston Villa Ipswich 1-0 West Brom

CHECK out BBM’s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.premierleague.com for all the latest results and standings. Table below was up to date at time of going to press.

Prizes (in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $400 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100

TEAM

MANAGER

TOT

Dizzying Heights FC

Siva Iyer

948

alovelycupoftea

James Horrocks

943

every week you

dan magee

935

Alcohol Fc

Ron f

901

Stop, Hammertime!

Paul Steadman

900

Evertonian

John Armitage

894

Your Ma’s Athletic

brian o gorman

887

Rootin & Tootin

Oisin Coveney

884

Mukin Fagic

Luke Gately

882

Ozzies Allstars ***

James Osborne

-4

873

Holy-family ‘B’ team

Pat Mustard

865

Tallulah

Neil Weaver

865

Arsenal

Brian Harvey

852

Alan’s Deep

Bath jason kerley

852

TippytappyFC

Richie Egan

851

KOP THAT

Tony Hagan

845

bobby dazzlerz

tom mcelwain

845

Juggernauts

Gaurav Rana

843

stopcallingitsoccer

Tom Davis

828

ReturnOfDaLouts

Brian Manton

827

New Entry

Ranking Increased

Ranking stayed the same

Ranking Fell

Tuesday, 30 November Carling Cup Arsenal 2-0 Wigan

ASHES NEWS

MONKEY MAGIC

IS HE FINN OR OUT? IF there was one thing BBM hated more than England being made to look like a bunch of chumps by Mitchell Johnson last week in Perth, it was BBM being made to look like a bunch of chumps by Mitchell Johnson. We joined every other English sporting hack out there in howling, gibbon-like, with laughter at Johnsonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s efforts in the ďŹ rst Test in Brisbane and were more than happy to see him back in the lineup for the Perth Test. Shows what we know. Now, with the momentum ďŹ rmly back with Australia, the pressure is on England.

Heading into the crucial Melbourne Test, there are potential question marks hovering over Steven Finn (too expensive) and Paul Collingwood (too shit). Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s also a more justiďŹ able call to promote the in-form Ian Bell further up the order. Other than that, England donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t seem to be eyeing up the panic button just yet.â&#x20AC;?I wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t rule it [changes] out, we have to look on what we can do better,â&#x20AC;? said Andrew Strauss. â&#x20AC;&#x153;But ultimately this is not a time for panic, we have to keep a cool head... It is important to retain the method thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s worked well.â&#x20AC;?

GROUNDS FOR CONCERN INFAMY, infamy â&#x20AC;&#x201C; theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve all got it infamy! Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the cry from the papers back in England, with several declaring the Aussies are turning the MCG pitch into the WACA MkII following Australiaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pace-led win in Perth. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s more than likely a load of old bollocks but if the plan was to wind up the Aussies then it seems to have done a job, with the MCG curator being forced into a press conference to deny heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been put under pressure by selectors.

THE World Cup had Paul the Psychic Octopus. Now the Ashes has Jack the mystic monkey. Well no actually because just when Jack, a cotton-top tamarin, was on the verge of global superstardom following correct predictions for the ďŹ rst two Tests, he fucked it up by plumping for England in the third. You simian twat Jack. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We were challenged to see if we were able to come up with a rival to Paul the octopus, who correctly predicted Germanyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s results in the World Cup Finals,â&#x20AC;? said The Tynemouth Blue Reef Aquariumâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Anna Etchells. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Although we do have our own octopus we took the view that monkeys are signiďŹ cantly more intelligent than cephalopods and decided to give Jack the opportunity.â&#x20AC;? Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all well and good Anna but surely the bigger question here is what are you doing putting a monkey in an aquarium? You cruel bitch. Someone call the RSPCA!

from

$55

*For a 2hr lesson at Maroubra beach

Book now call 9365 1800 128 Ramsgate Ave, Bondi Beach 64

BBM-588 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ASHES FEATURE GREATEST ASHES MOMENTS

WELL we had to do a predictable “best Ashes moments feature” at some stage so why not do it for a week when we’re too busy thinking about Christmas presents to worry about what the discerning readers of BBM think in two week’s time (yes readers, sorry to shatter the illusion of professionalism here at BBM Towers but we’re actually writing most of this issue ages before Christmas).

TEST DATES

Naturally, it’s just England’s best moments. This is British Balls Magazine after all and we’re as full of patriotic pride as England’s own Kevin Pietersen. Stand tall lads. Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes… swing low sweet chariot. Oh wait, that’s rugby isn’t it. Well we were on about the ﬁlm Zulu any way so nuts to you…

3–7 December (Adelaide, Adelaide Oval) Result: ENGLAND WON

25–29 November (Brisbane, The Gabba) Result: MATCH DRAWN

16–20 December (Perth, WACA Ground) Result: AUSTRALIA WON 26–30 December (Melbourne, Melbourne Cricket Ground) Result: -

1. HEADINGLEY 1981 Most people would have to be mentally ill to back a team at odds of 500-1. Or in Dennis Lillee and Rod Marsh’s case, taking the piss. England appeared to be heading to a crushing innings defeat until Ian Botham and Bob Willis (right) pulled off the greatest Ashes comeback in history. Oh yes.

3–7 January (Sydney, Sydney Cricket Ground) Result: -

2. THE OVAL 1968 The Aussies were on the ropes at 86 for five on the fifth day when a massive thunderstorm swept across the ground, flooding the outfield. Half-anhour later, hundreds of fans rolled up their sleeves and trouser legs and got busy with towels and blankets, so that Derek Underwood (left) could bowl England to victory with five minutes to go.

5. THE OVAL 1902 3. EDGBASTON 2005 Like watching Jonny Knoxville doing unspeakably wrong things with tender parts of his anatomy on Jackass, when Andrew Flintoff (right) went over to congratulate Brett Lee on his heroic, but ultimately doomed, innings – it brought tears to our eyes. Not literally of course. We’re not, you know, like that or anything.

4. OLD TRAFFORD 1956 If Bradman’s batting average is the most remarkable statistic in sport, Jim Laker’s (left) match haul of 19 for 90 comes close. No one else has managed more than 17 wickets in a game. The Aussies like to point out that his achievement came on a dustbowl of a pitch, described by the great Australian spinner Bill O’Reilly as “an absolute disgrace”.

Gilbert “The Croucher” Jessop (above) not only had the most sinister nickname in cricket, he was also the most feared batsman of his day. As one contemporary poet put it, he “wrecked the roofs of distant towns / when set in an assault”. Back in turn of the century London, he struck a wild-eyed 104 in only 77 minutes – still the fastest Ashes century in history. Building on Jessop’s blitz, England’s last-wicket pair George Hirst and Wilfred Rhodes famously inched their way to victory.

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WORLD SPORT MCCOY WHO? CONGRATULATIONS to Tony McCoy who has won this year’s BBC sports personality of the year award. All together now... WHO?!

The 37-year-old batsman was 107 not out in India’s second innings against South Africa in Centurion last week.

Apparently McCoy is some nice guy jockey who won the Grand National in April on Don’t Push It.

SACHIN’S HALF CENTURY CRICKET: Sachin Tendulkar, affectionately known as ‘The Little Bastard’ by cricket fans across the world, became the ﬁrst person to hit 50 Test centuries this week.

It wasn’t enough to stop India getting mullered, however, with South Africa now 1-0 up in the series after their victory by an innings.

“It is a wonderful thing for horse racing, as well as myself. I can’t describe how I feel,” said the 36-year-old Northern Irishman (pictured).

out of Church for the Six Nations. Other than that it’s been snoozeville for about a decade.

McCoy won nearly 42 per cent of the public vote, with darts star Phil Taylor second and athlete Jessica Ennis third.

Couldn’t they make it more interesting by getting the candidates to perform their sport on stage in front of Simon Cowell before the public vote?

Does anyone even care about the BBC sports personality award anymore? There was that bizarre year when Sue Barker suddenly turned into Sid James and said something about keeping Gavin Henson

Imagine the carnage if he’d called Joe Calzaghe a talentless Welsh prat. Watching Cowell have a pair of shoes shoved forcibly up his own anus - now THAT would have been good telly.

KHAN HE FIX IT? BOXING: Amir Khan wants to end his boxing career by having the crap beaten out of him by Floyd Mayweather Junior. OK he didn’t quite put it that way, but considering that’s what usually happens whenever anyone tries to tempt Floyd out of retirement we can’t see it ending any other way. “In another three or four ﬁghts I’ll be ready for him,” said Khan, clearly still delusional following his WBA lightwelterweight title defence last week. “By then the experience, the speed, the power and the maturity will be there. It’s a ﬁght that all the fans want to see and it will be made in 2012 I think.”

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FOOTBALL

FEATURE

WE DO RON, RON, RON IT’S Christmas time people and here at BBM that means only one thing - an excuse for lazy journalism. Sing Hosannahs! So while we usually give our football feature at the very least a vague smattering of topicalness, this week we’re not going to even bother. Basically because it’s hard to make something topical when you’re writing the article two weeks in advance so we can have an extra long break over Christmas.

do with Christmas - although he is famously fat, enjoys a drink and has obviously eaten a few pies in his time.

Once again - Sing Hosannahs! The only trouble is, what subject do we choose for our generic festive feature? The top ﬁve Boxing Day games perhaps? Worst weather conditions for matches?

So without further ado, here’s English football’s most famous misogynistic racist - Big Fat Ron!

Well bollocks to that because we want to do a funniest quotes from Ron Atkinson feature.

Thrice we say - Sing Hosannahs!

We know it’s got nothing to

BBM’S FAVOURITE KEVIN KEEGAN QUOTES...

“I tell you what, if the Cameroons get a goal back here they’re literally gonna catch on fire.”

“Well, Clive, it’s all about the two M’s - movement and positioning.”

“I would not say he is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.” “I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.” 70

“Zerozero is a big score.”

WEEKEND FIXTURES Sunday 26th December Barclays Premier League Aston Villa v Tottenham Blackburn v Stoke City Blackpool v Liverpool Bolton v West Brom Everton v Birmingham Fulham v West Ham Man Utd v Sunderland Newcastle v Man City Wolves v Wigan Athletic npower Championship Barnsley v Burnley C.Palace v Norwich Cardiff City v Coventry Derby v Doncaster Ipswich v Watford Leicester v Leeds Utd Middlesbrough v Nottm Forest Portsmouth v Millwall QPR v Swansea City Reading v Bristol City Scunthorpe v Preston NE Sheff Utd v Hull City npower League 1 Bournemouth v Plymouth Bristol Rovers v Walsall Charlton v Southampton Dag & Red v Brighton Exeter City v Swindon Huddersfield v Hartlepool Leyton Orient v MK Dons Notts County v Rochdale Oldham v Carlisle Utd Peterborough v Colchester Tranmere v Sheff Weds Yeovil v Brentford npower League 2 Accrington v Crewe Aldershot v Gillingham Bradford v Chesterfield Macclesfield v Morecambe Northampton v Burton Albion Port Vale v Lincoln City Shrewsbury v Bury Southend v Barnet Stevenage v Oxford United Stockport v Rotherham Torquay v Cheltenham Wycombe v Hereford Clydesdale Scottish Premier Celtic v St Johnstone Dundee Utd v Hamilton Acd’ Hibernian v Aberdeen Inverness CT v St Mirren Kilmarnock v Hearts

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FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

BECKS BAGS BBC BOOST DAVID Beckham’s overinﬂated ego was given another boost this week when he won the BBC Sports Personality Lifetime Achievement award. “I’m humbled,” said Beckham while styling his hair with a 24-carat gold comb and winking at audience members.

With much of the Arsenal side rapidly approaching their mid-20s, Arsene Wenger has moved quickly to bring in some young blood with the signing of 18-year-old Japanese forward Ryo Miyaichi.

Gary Speed is hoping to convince Ryan Giggs to take some of the blame for Wales’ inevitably doomed Euro qualifying campaign. “It would be great to get him involved in some respect,” Speed panted. “I spoke to him last week and we’ll have to wait and see.”

Jose Mourinho’s paranoia continues to grow apace in Spain with his latest ‘they’re all out to get me’ theory now stretching to a hastily scrawled list of referee errors from Madrid’s win over Seville at the weekend as proof of a conspiracy. “My team needs to be defended. I have produced this list because if I say what I really think of the

referee I will be all over the front pages and suspended,” said a heavily-disguised Mourinho in a darkened corner of a multi-story car park.

Sir Alex Purplenose has ofﬁcially become the longest serving manager in Man Utd’s history, overtaking Sir Matt Busby’s previous record. The 68-yearold has now been in charge for 24 years, one month and 15 days in one unbroken spell stretching back to November 1986.

If shagging Ulrika Jonsson taught Sven-Goran Eriksson anything, it’s that persistence pays off. Consequently, he’s still blathering on about David Beckham joining Leicester City on loan. “I would try again and that would be the third time,” he wafﬂed.

After a mere three days, FIFA’s head knobjockey Sepp Blatter has apologised for his homophobic comments about the Qatar World Cup. “It was not my intention and never will be my intention to go into any discrimination,” grovelled Blatter, backtracking faster than John Terry faced with any striker capable of breaking into a light jog. “This is exactly what we are against. If somebody feels that they have been hurt, then I regret it

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE!

and present apologies.” This is a unique apology indeed, at once condemning his own comments while pointing out that he never would have made them in the ﬁrst place, because it’s not what Fifa is about.

Shefﬁeld United are still celebrating the fact that someone was stupid enough to take Gary Speed off their hands and say they won’t be making a decision on who will replace him as manager until the new year. Hard-sounding assistant manager John Carver will take charge over the holiday period.

Football’s most boring man, Steve McClaren, was targeted by a bizarre group of brolly-wielding Wolfsburg supporters who don’t want him in charge of the Bundesliga club. Fans vented their anger at the club’s shit start to the season by opening hundreds of brollies. Bet he’s shitting himself.

Levski Soﬁa have threatened to boycott their matches against domestic rivals Litex Lovech next year unless foreign referees ofﬁciate the games. “There’s discrimination against Litex’s rivals,” sniffed Levski president Todor Batkov.

with ace pundit Chris Kamara

“Referee Henning Erikstrup was about to blow full-time with Norager leading Ebeltoft 4-3 in a Danish league match when his dentures suddenly fell out. While he scrambled around looking for them, Ebeltoft equalised. Despite vehement protests from Ebeltoft, Erikstup disallowed the goal, replaced his false teeth and promptly blew the ﬁnal whistle. Unbelievable Jeff!

QUOTES OF THE YEAR “Mancini looks good but then, all Italians are cool. He’s certainly cooler than that Taggart from across the road - he’s a top manager and all that but he looks like a dustbin-man.” Liam Gallagher gives Roberto Mancini a sartorial thumbs-up.

“Gareth Bale literally has three lungs.” Jamie Redknapp.

Kevin Keegan on Micah Richards: “I had him when he was 16. He was a man then, I don’t know what he is now. Probably just a bigger man.”

“I was just standing still and he came into my face.” Morten Gamst Pedersen needs to seriously improve his English.

“Roy Hodgson is a priest on a mountain of sugar.” Rafa Benitez.

“I’ve got nothing against foreign managers, they are very nice people. Apart from Arsene Wenger.” Tony Pulis.

“I get ‘fat head’ at Liverpool, ‘Elephant Man’ at Manchester City and ‘Mr Potato Head’ at West Brom. Is there something wrong with my head or something?” Paranoia kicks in for Steve Bruce.

“You are talking out of your hat. I would like to say out of your ass, but that’s a donkey and I don’t like having a go at donkeys. If some bright spark from the Premier League, or Barclays Premier League as we’re supposed to call it, wants to come down and have a chat and a cup of coffee... you’ll probably get it chucked in your lap.” Ian Holloway on accusations he ﬁelded an under-strength side against Aston Villa.

More pencil-moustached punditry and footballing facts next week folks!

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SPORT GUIDE

Contents PAGE 72 Football news: Beck of the net PAGE 70 Football feature: Big Fat Ron PAGE 68 World Sport: Khan we ďŹ x it?

PAGE 66 Ashes News: Monkey magic PAGE 64 Ashes Feature: Top Ashes moments PAGES 62 & 63 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables

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