BBM Magazine February 5th by bbmlive.com

SYDNEY CENTENNIAL PARK SATURDAY 12 FEBRUARY MELBOURNE FLEMINGTON RACECOURSE SUNDAY 13 FEBRUARY GOLD COAST PARKLANDS SATURDAY 19 FEBRUARY PERTH CLAREMONT SHOWGROUND SUNDAY 20 FEBRUARY 18+ only. Valid I.D. must be shown to gain entry. Public Transport to and from the event is highly recommended.

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CONTENTS The Cover

Review

Regulars

THE BITCH IS BOB - 24 BBM is, quite frankly, surprised that Elton could fit in a film about his life while he plays “Candle in the Wind” at the divorce proceedings of Jordan and Alex.

DRIVEN - 28 “Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal would’ve felt right at home with some of the dialogue The Rock delivers in this revenge flick.”

Interview

Sport

STANTON WARRIORS - 34 We caught up with Dominc B from the Stanton Warriors as he battled a hangover from a gig at Sydney’s Chinese Laundry.

SUPER BOWL - 70

UK News Irish News World News Soaps Gossip The Wrap Reviews Interviews Sydney Melbourne Perth Recruitment Classifieds Hostel Listings Crystal Balls Ask Crystal & Jokes Sport

What makes BBM qualified to look at the best moments in Super Bowl history? A certificate we created in Microsoft Word says we’re more than qualified, thank you very much.

JOBS & ACCOMODATION

6 12 14 18 20 26 28 30 36 40 42 52 56 60 64 66 82

MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Ben Harlum ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby richard.gadsby@what-media.com

UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir hannah.shakir@what-media.com

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INTERNS Stefan Zimmermann, Brian Weiss, Kara Christopher, Holger Synowzik

YOU CAN’T MAKE MONEY FROM SELLING MUSIC

HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard design@what-media.com

WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber

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WEB DEVELOPMENT ASSISTANT Shefali Khanna

JON KING, GANG OF FOUR

CONTRIBUTORS David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Fernando Xavier, Bethan Hacking, Alexandra McIntyre, Jeremy Williams, Emma Mulliner, Hannah Allsopp, Ashley Moore, David Drummond, Sian Gammie, Alen Delic

ADVERTISING AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Mary Atkin ADVERTISING Joe Smith joe.smith@what-media.com

Donna Parry Dave Hudson James Marsh

BBM

BRITISH BALLS MAGAZINE

ADVERTISING & PROMOTIONS MANAGER Tom Shakir PO Box 784 Queen Victoria Building NSW 1230

www.bbmlive.com info@what-media.com

ph: (02) 8231 7700 fax: (02) 9299 4966

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SALES AND MARKETING DIRECTOR Guchi Shakir PRINTED BY Spotpress

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HANDSOME TOURS & SECRET SOUNDS PRESENT

FOSTERTHEPEOPLE WITH SPECIAL GUESTS MITZI

WITH SPECIAL GUESTS

SUN FEB 13 MON FEB 14 THE ZOO OXFORD ART FACTORY

WITH SPECIAL GUESTS STRANGE TALK

WED FEB 16 NORTHCOTE SOCIAL CLUB

9.2 | ENMORE THEATRE | SYDNEY 10.2 | PALACE THEATRE | MELBOURNE

w w w. f a c e b o o k . c o m / S e c r e t S o u n d s To u r i n g

UK NEWS CUT IT OUT PAX MAN FILTHY Newsnight shock jock, Jeremy Paxman, was up to his old bad boy antics this week – saying the word ‘c*nt’ live on the flagship politics show.

The legendary pork swordsman hardly broke his stride, a slight raise of his eyebrows the merest hint of a grin the only sign of any wrongdoing.

BBC wild man Paxman (pictured), rumoured to be dating Katy Perry, was discussing Government cuts when he made the blunder live on air.

Paxo has form for swearing on Newsnight after he used the word ‘bollocks’ on an early night General Election special in May last year.

B*llocks!

He told viewers: “Cuts here, cuts there, cuts everywhere, one month into the year and already what looks to be the big political theme of 2011 is well established - what will the cuts in public spending decreed by the Government do to us? “Supposing though, some of the people who ought to be paying taxes so the c*nts aren’t so bad, aren’t actually doing so?”

As the 6.30pm programme ended at 7.10pm he introduced the band The XX, with: “We play out with the band of the moment, whose music you may recognise from some of the BBC’s election coverage, The XX. It’s not just because we seem to have made such a bollocks of the simple act of putting an ‘X’ on a piece of paper. Goodnight.”

We’re expecting him to shag Manuel from Fawlty Towers’ granddaughter any day now.

ANGRY GONZALEZ

Of course we feel it’s our duty to print what was said so you can see for yourself how offensive their comments are. Not because we find them quite funny. Honest. It all started when Richard Hammond joked that Mexican cars are like

“LIKE a royal wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion”. Not BBM’s words but the marketing spiel of Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction, who have just released souvenir jonnies for those monarchists among us who want to make sure the celebrations for Prince William’s marriage to Kate Middleton go with a bang. For what finer way to celebrate a royal wedding than banging the shit out of your missus, safe in the knowledge that you can spurt your load without a care in the world. We’re sure it’s what Lady Di would have wanted. Hugh Pomfret, a spokesman for Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction, insisted they were “a unique way to remember this great British occasion”. “In years to come, they will be a timeless memento of a magical wedding day.”

IN YET more ‘When Presenters Go Bad’ news (see above), the inoffensive, publicity-shy presenters of Top Gear could be forced to apologise for ‘racist’ slurs about Mexicans. The comments, made in a feature about Mexican cars, sparked a complaint to the BBC from Eduardo Medina-Mora Icaza, the Mexican Ambassador to the UK, and the matter was then brought to the attention of Parliament.

ROYAL BEDDING

Timeless memento? If he thinks BBM’s keeping a rubber tube full of jizz on the mantelpiece he can fuck off.

their national stereotypes… “They’re going to be a lazy, feckless, flatulent oaf with a moustache, leaning against a fence asleep, looking at a cactus with a blanket with a hole in the middle on as a coat.” James May then said Mexican food was ‘like sick with cheese on it’ followed by a stern Jeremy Clarkson warning that the comments were a bit near the knuckle – but implying that the ambassador was unlikely to complain because he would be too busy watching TV or sleeping.

The angered Mexican official said: “Yareeba! Yareeba! Underlay! Underlay! Deez comments are deeply offensive greeengo! Yareeba!”

ROB JOB A THICK-AS-PIG-SHIT robber has been jailed for five years after holding up a petrol station while wearing a Halloween mask he’d bought there three days earlier. Not only that, but the mask was the only one sold by the petrol station – which, after a quick scan of CCTV footage, led police straight to Neil Simons’ door. His solicitor said: “The fact he bought the mask then returned to the same petrol station wearing it, shows it wasn’t a sophisticated crime.” You know you’re in the shit when even your solicitor starts taking the piss.

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

UK NEWS VICTORIA’S SECRETS ARE you an Australian? Does your dad go quiet when you ask him why your family came here? Do you masturbate furiously to the Queen’s speech? If you answered yes to all of the above, chances are you’re related to someone famous – Edward Jones, officially the world’s first celebrity stalker.

beneath her sofa. The story of the stalker has been pieced together from old newspaper reports by lecturer Dr Jan Bondeson. He said: “The amazing thing is how close he got to the Queen and the extraordinary lengths taken to get rid of him.”

A writer has discovered the strange story of 14year-old Jones who, back in 1838 was obsessed with a 19-year-old Queen Victoria – although she was just plain Victoria back then.

Jones was acquitted in open court of theft at his first trial. But for his subsequent break-ins he was tried in secret to avoid embarrassing the Royals. He was twice sentenced to hard labour and eventually sent to Australia to keep him away from the Queen and husband Prince Albert.

The lad repeatedly broke into Buckingham Palace, stole the future Queen’s knickers, sat on the throne, slept in one of the Palace beds, sneaked into the her apartments, read her letters and even hid

If nothing else, Jones’s antics have made BBM feel better about ourselves. Suddenly a $400 fine and restraining order for masturbating through Cheryl Cole’s letter box doesn’t seem so bad.

SCARED OF THE PARK A FRAIDY-CAT police chief in Cambridgeshire has caused a storm after banning his officers from patrolling a local trouble spot at night – because it’s too dangerous. Pissed-off residents have complained that drunks and other troublemakers hanging around in the area have made it off-limits for years. But the senior officer told councillors in the market town Wisbech it was too risky for them to deal with the problem at night because the plot was like a building site, with no lighting. “During the evenings there’s no lighting so it’s effectively pitch black. It’s not a police officer’s job to ensure the area’s kept clear,” said a police spokesman, who had been kept awake all night because his wardrobe made a shadow on the wall that looked like a monster. “However, if a crime’s committed or there’s a risk to life, officers would take appropriate action.” If only there was some kind of handheld device able to shine a beam of light wherever it was pointed, the problem would be solved. Come on boffins!

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

UK NEWS OFF ON YOUR HOLO-DAYS THE first-step in a Terminator-style vision of the future was taken in Manchester Airport this week when passengers were greeted by holographic staff members. The helpful holograms were introduced to reduce security risk queues. Fools. Don’t they realise that one day these robots will one day present the biggest risk to human life of all time? Just ask James Cameron. “We’ve developed this technology for many uses but it’s perfectly suited for an airport environment where the support of recorded

messages can help with passenger information,” said SkyNet founder James Rock. The system is being trialled at terminal one where passengers are being met by holograms of reallife employees John Walsh and Julie Capper. It’s so convincing that passengers with Mr Magoo-style vision have been seen presenting their passports to the holograms, believing them to be people. Someone call Sarah Connor. It begins…

FLEA FROM THE PUFF PUFF Daddy has fleas. And Simon Le Bon. That’s the investigative conclusion BBM has come to following the news that crap British breakfast show Daybreak has fleas on its sofas.

It is not known what he originally paid for the vase but prices for similar eastern treasures have soared in recent years. Last year a Chinese vase found during a house clearance after an elderly couple died in Pinner, North London, sold for a world record £43million.

A WORD of caution to anyone reading this who happens to be a relation of a former Scottish international goalkeeper: Don’t eat corned beef.

Carey suffered multiple organ failure and collapsed 25 minutes after eating the sandwich bought at Aldi.

The ITV1 show has been keen on animal features since it took over from GMTV last September and its believed the fleas may have come from the giant pug dog who hosts the show, Adrian Chiles.

Aldi? Mystery solved.

FAT bastard Britain is reeling from the news that the size of our chocolate bars is being reduced but not the cost. Cadbury is set to cut two chunks from 140g Dairy Milk bars, reducing them to 120g – but the price will stay £1. And US firm Kraft, which owns Cadbury, has struck a deal with Poundland to knock a 30g triangle off 200g Toblerone bars costing £1. “Companies need to be up-front and honest with their customers if costs increase, “ said a fat spokesman for the watchdog Consumer Focus, who died of heart disease shortly after.

The 79-year-old took the flawless piece to Duke’s in Dorchester, Dorset.

Father-of-two Mitchell Carey, the son-in-law of presenter and former Arsenal star Bob Wilson, died after munching on a corned beef sandwich which contained an extremely rare form of food poisoning.

Two purple settees in the green room – which have been sat on by P Diddy and Le Bon recently - have been infested with the pesky mites.

CHOCOLATE DROP

IN A story that’s slightly more believable than the ‘final’ plot of Only Fools and Horses, a former Cadbury worker aged 79 has become an overnight millionaire after taking an old vase to an auction house – and discovering it comes from the famous Chinese Ming dynasty from between 1403 and 1424.

BIG cry-baby Konstantinos Kalomoiris is claiming sexual harassment at the main John Lewis store in London because a 68-year-old female workmate slapped his bum a couple of times. He said when he asked her not to she replied: “I do that to all the boys.” Konstantinos told a tribunal: “Every time she did it, she’d pause a couple of seconds like she was savouring it.”

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IRISH NEWS LILLIPUTTING IT ABOUT TURNS out 18th-century writer Jonathan Swift, the director of Gulliver’s Travels (pictured) starring Jack Black, was a bit of a randy bastard who when he wasn’t knobbing two women was sending them saucy notes in a weird baby language. Freak.

Unlike Sydney, this doesn’t mean temperatures in the mid-to-high 30s. It means temperatures just a few degrees above zero. Temperatures went from the record lows recorded in December to one of the sunniest and driest Januarys for more than a decade in parts of the country, according to Met Eireann.

New analysis of a series of love letters from the Dublin-born satirist to two women shows that the strange, juvenile language he employed reflects the way babies talk.

RAZOR GO DUDES!

And with all that “giant” Gulliver in tiny town malarkey, we’re starting to have a few concerns about the big nonce.

POOR EXCUSE FOR A TAX CUT WE all know who’s to blame for Ireland’s economic collapse. Forget the bankers and the Government, it’s the poor and the poverty-stricken who are bleeding the country dry. Penny-rubbing bastards!

Mike Allen, of The Poor Can’t Pay, said the cut will increase the numbers of working poor and make it harder for people to escape poverty. “This is the direct opposite of what we need to be doing to rebuild our economy and society,” he said while sat outside McDonalds with an upturned cap on his lap.

members of Micheal Martin’s frontbench could have been plucked off Grafton Street and were there just to make FF look less testosterone driven.

women and say: ‘Would you ever mind coming up for the photograph’,” the Dublin South-West TD said on Today with Pat Kenny, on RTE Radio.

“You might as well wander down Grafton Street and see if you can meet a couple of good looking

He was accused by FF of having an “Andy Gray approach to women”. Which is quite funny to be fair.

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

Fronted by giant cock-head Jonny Borrell, Razorlight will headline the 19th-centurysounding Lark In The Park in Moira’s Demesne Park on Saturday April 30.

“With a host of local talent spread across all five stages and an indoor dance arena, this promises to be the stand-out event of the year,” said a spokesperson who clearly earns their money as a professional liar.

Well now a do-gooding coalition of trade unions and community sector organisations have joined forces to campaign for a reversal of the cut, staging a protest outside the gates of the Dail on what they call Ireland’s “Day of Shame”.

Rampant Rabbitte, the party’s justice spokesman, said some female

WE’VE not heard from them in years and, frankly, we thought they’d split up, but apparently the big headline act for Northern Ireland’s largest music festival is Razorlight.

Athlete will also be boring punters to tears with their insipid balladry while the Divine Comedy attempt inject some kind of local angle to proceedings.

Thankfully those farsighted folk in the Government realised this a while ago and decided to cut the minimum wage by one euro per hour.

LABOUR ladies man Pat Rabbitte gave a half-hearted apology after comments he made about new recruits to Fianna Fail’s frontbench sparked a sexism storm.

JUST like Sydney, Ireland has had a pretty warm January.

A COLD-HEARTED crazy bitch from Tuamgraney, east Clare, sent three mass cards for the dead to officials who came to her farm to investigate animal cruelty cases. On the day following their visit to Breda Moloney’s farm, the three received the mass cards with their names written in the place where the deceased’s name would be. “She [was upset] and did the very, very foolish thing of sending the mass cards. She accepts completely that it was the wrong thing to do,” said solicitor Chris Lynch. Which would be fair enough if it was an isolated incident, but in the past she’s also been done for criminal damage for which she served two months in prison in 1996. And in January 2009, she was handed a two-month suspended jail term in relation to a charge of obstructing traffic. In other words, she’s a head case.

WORLD NEWS A RIGHT TAT DAVID Jonathan Winkelman, from Iowa, was listening to the hard rock station KORB with his stepbrother Richard Goddard when the presenter announced anyone willing to permanently etch the logo of the station on their forehead would be in for a six-figure sum. Being a pair of complete morons, they headed down to their nearest tat parlour and got the rather fetching tattoo emblazoned across Winkelman’s forehead.

for their greed and lack of common sense’. Even better, when Winkelman was arrested last week, his mugshot found its way on to the internet, so he could be publicly scorned and ridiculed for his greed and lack of common sense, much to BBM’s amusement.

Aleksander Andrzej, from Poland proves this. Found asleep on a park bench in just his boxers, the 32 year old survived temperatures of -5C from the alcohol levels in his blood.

Doctors took him straight to the hospital and he is expected to make a full recovery. Heavy drinking can now help you live? Shove that on the bottle instead of death threats, BBM says!

Oh, but it continues. “At the moment this is impossible because he says his wife keeps coming into the living room demanding that he perform his marital duties.” Women, take note. After 18 years, we’re just not interested anymore, and if you push the matter we will get the law on you.

A statement to the police read, “Now he has decided to get a divorce and to move out... in the hope of finally getting some rest, particularly as he is anxious to arrive at work well rested.”

Okay, not really, we think that this dude is a massive pussy. Suck it up, buddy!

BBM stayed at a hotel in Bangkok once and received a weird service, but we don’t think it’s suitable for print.

Holiday Inn Kensington Forum it’s an optional service called a Human Bed Warmer.

However, there are a bunch of weird and wonderful jobs that may be a bit more ‘magazine-friendly’ - especially since said service was paid for on the company credit card.

Meanwhile, the Hotel Andaz in London has also taken customer care to a new level with its bedtime story service.

This week, we stumbled across the option back in Blighty for a person to wear a special head-to-toe suit and hop into our bed for five minutes, moving around under the sheets to create a nice and cosy sleeping environment. In normal circumstances we’d call this a perverted break-and-enter (or BBM’s regular weekend activity) but at the

You see, being drunk off your tits has proved not to be all bad, it’s a hell of a lot warmer than wearing a coat.

Over 30 times the legal limit for driving, Aleksander could have died but doctors say the alcohol levels helped him live.

THE TOEY TURK The couple have been married for 18 years, and have two children, but he has been sleeping on the sofa for the past 4 years in order to escape the clutches of his wife’s vajajay.

WE knew that would grab your attention.

This is why we are warm on the cold nights after partying then. Or it could be the company we keep after the party - although the less we talk about that mistake, the better.

However, when they found out that the competition had been a practical joke, they tried to sue the radio station claiming that it had intended to permanently mark its listeners so they ‘could be publicly scorned and ridiculed

A Turkish man has turned to the police for help as his wife has an insatiable appetite for sex. Geez man, what’s the problem?

ALCOHOL SAVES LIVES

ANYBODY familiar with the Australian public transport system would know how bad trains get in summer, but this takes it to a whole new level. Sweating isn’t our idea of fun, especially in clothes but now there’s no worry. Undress, grab a towel and hit the trams in Milan. Before you panic, or get excited, it doesn’t run anymore. The trams stay in one place at a spa resort, no nakedness before breakfast unfortunately.

Guests - no matter their age - can call for a Bedtime Storyteller to come to their room and read them the book of their choice.

Created by public transport designers QC Termemilano, the sauna looks exactly like a tram carriage, just wooden on the inside. A spokesperson stated that “People can get very stressed traveling through a city centre,” and don’t we know about it. BBM still can’t work out why you would pay to go on this due to the fact that it’s free every day of summer.

Can they read us Playboy?

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WORLD NEWS DOGGY STYLE IT’S time to stop being disturbed when your dog tries to sniff you in your special place. Turns out he’s making sure you don’t have cancer. Japanese researchers have just released a study claiming that dogs can sniff out colon cancer on the breath of patients. Apparently this is old news as they already knew that dogs can help detect melanoma, bladder, lung, ovarian, and breast cancer all by sniffing people’s breath.

cancer. 91 percent of the time the dog got it right. The success rate rose to 97 percent when the dog took a wiff of some runny cancer stools. The other methods of testing have a success rate of just 70 percent. So, it seems we were wrong about a few things. Sometimes the Japanese really are using animals for medical testing.

The reports claim that a black lab sniffed 33 breath samples from patients with colon cancer and 132 samples from healthy controls and was told to sit in front of the patients who had

Aww, poor babies. Get some tissues. Wait, you’ve used them all. Understandable.

SCISSOR SISTERS

18-year-old Dixie Chivers, 19-yearold Miracle Mathis and 19-year-old Alashia Carter, attempted to steal hair extensions from Jolla Bella Beauty at 1771 Texas Parkway. After realising their robbery was going

Sorry, we digress. You see, one day in 2009, those legendary men responsible for Redtube.com were minding their own business, streaming free pornographic videos to the public, when they received a lawsuit against them in the mail.

As a result, these villainous websites were suing Redtube because of the “many millions of dollars worth of damages lost to proprietors of adult entertainment websites.”

Shit.

We know it works. There’s proof in the US newspapers every day. Like these young achievers for example.

They may take his life, but they’ll never take... HIS PORN!

Those pesky websites that charge you for access to porn were claiming that because Redtube made the content available for free, “fewer are making the choice to pay other adult website proprietors for the same content.”

Here we were thinking they couldn’t even smell our stash if it was inside a sock inside a shoe inside a sweater inside the suitcase.

IF BBM ever has a kid (ha! Perish the thought), we’re going to raise it in Texas and call it Precious just to make sure it gets the best start in life.

SUCCEXXX! FINALLY, BBM’s sports editor can enjoy his weekends, lunch breaks (and really, any spare moment) without those pesky authorities taking away his porn.

nowhere, they threatened an employee with a pair of scissors. Police have said they are unsure as to what the threats involved specifically, but they are investigating claims that the word “mullet” was used as a warning. Sane American mothers have suggested that censorship laws should be tightened as a result of such a barbaric act.

Now, those legends at the California Appeals court have stepped in dismissing the lawsuit as an action designed to censor free speech. Yeah! Stick it to the man! They said that “The publication of a video on the Internet, whether it depicts teenagers playing football or adult entertainment qualifies as… free speech,” leading to ask what type of weird football porn were the court watching? Creeps.

They claim that Miracle and Dixie must have been influenced by TV and movies as they were too young to remember anything before daddy went to jail. As a result, Edward Scissorhands will no longer be screened. In the rest of the world we are getting on with things in an orderly manner.

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SOAPS CORONATION ST. WE SEE Peter fall firmly off the wagon this week, and when he calls Nick to ask him for help, Nick pretends he can’t hear him, leading him to call Carla. Leanne confronts Carla when she finds out Peter stayed the night with her. He finally admits that he’s been back on the booze but Leanne is suspicious about whether Nick coaxed her husband back onto alcohol in a bid to split them up. Will her affair with Nick come out too? Meanwhile Fiz is desperate when she learns

baby Hope is not getting any better, and John too is suffering in hospital. When the solicitor visits her to say Colin Fishwick was the sole beneficiary of Joy Fishwick’s will, she makes the heart breaking decision to claim the money through identity fraud. Elsewhere Rosie takes a sudden interest in her new baby brother Jack when she hears about a casting for a mother and baby advert. However when they are both rejected she loses interest again.

EastEnders PHIL proposes to Shirley, but she refuses, and with that Phil says that they should end their relationship.

Phil returns home to learn that Glenda has been invited to the engagement party, and when he confronts her to tell her things are over, he discovers she is recording their conversation and However Jane and Tanya, breaks her phone, prompting manage to convince Shirley that Glenda to try and get Ian on she’s being stupid and should marry Phil. Shirley heads to the side to get their revenge on Phil. hospital to visit him, and when Elsewhere Michael returns to she asks why he proposed he says he loves her. the Square and is devastated that Kat However he worries did not tell him about that the bag she is their son’s death. carrying is because In a moment of she’s leaving, but desperation, Kat when she reveals launches herself it’s clean clothes for at Michael but he him, he gets down pushes her away and on one knee and says there is nothing proposes again. This between them. time she accepts.

Carol arrives back to a delighted Christy and the two have an emotional bonding session. It’s the day of the Dillon family stall, and Tommy makes a scene pushing Neasa even closer to Turlough. When Bob tries to talk Turlough into joining him in a new venture, he is left reeling from his would-be partner’s announcement. Elsewhere, Leo gives Dean his support for his new business. TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

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HOLLYOAKS + STRUGGLING to cope with her sister’s funeral, Tex convinces Doug to score some drugs.

takes the comatose student to hospital.

Meanwhile Warren has discovered Brendan’s drug However she soon regrets it stash. Brendan is furious when Warren says he flushed the lot. when she wakes up in bed with a smitten Doug next to Warren is also up to games as he sets about seducing her. She later gets off her head again, and is kicked out of the Brendan’s “girlfriend” Mitzee. club by Warren, leaving her Rae finds an vulnerable at the unlikely friend in hands of India’s Brendan when she killer. discusses whether to abort her and However Silas has a change of Ste’s baby. heart, decides he should never However, Brendan assures he will have killed India, and can’t look after them, and she should bring himself continue with the to kill wild child pregnancy. Tex. Instead he 18

Emmerdale WHEN Adam and Aaron head to Bar West for a night out, they play a game of pool with Flynn, and it’s clear there is a mutual attraction. When Aaron heads over to see Jackson, he feels uncomfortable when he asks about his night, but eventually plucks up the courage to tell him about Flynn. Jackson assures Aaron he should call Flynn, as they will only ever be friends. Aaron arranges to go out with Flynn and the pair instantly hit it off. Meanwhile

Brenda is convinced Andy started the fire, gets drunk and ploughs her car into Andy’s caravan. When he emerges from the wreckage she calls him a murderer. Hearing all the commotion, Moira and John try to restrain Brenda, and get her inside the house. However Andy is furious that Henshall will not arrest Brenda as he has it in for him. So Andy makes it his mission to clear his name. Meanwhile, Diane is resigned to the fact that Doug is no longer interested in her. BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

GOSSIP IT AINT OVER ‘TILL THE FAT LADY SINGS OF COURSE, we are well aware that all BBM readers are refined culture vultures who enjoy the finer things in life.

According to the Royal Opera House website, the opera is “a celebrity story of our times that includes extreme language, drug abuse and sexual content.”

You know, your indie films, the ballet, poetry nights and all that sort of lark. So we’ve unearthed the perfect opera for you that you’re sure to enjoy!

BBM appreciates that the description could’ve described about fifty other celebrities.

KATIE Price never ceases to amaze us with her fuckwit decisions. However it’s all rather predictable, unfortunately. Naturally, Jordan never signed a pre-nup agreement before marrying cage fighter / fame seeking dosser Alex Reid, and now he’s refusing to leave their Surrey mansion unless she buys him a luxury pad elsewhere. Smooth one Al, we’re glad to see you’ve learned the art of negotiation.

Anna Nicole. Okay, but does the girl playing Anna Nicole have big tits? Is she even female?

Yep that’s right, someone’s gone and turned the tragic life of former sexpot Anna Nicole Smith into an opera.

RATED R OKAY, the first time naked sex texts of Rihanna (pictured) emerged we had a little bit of sympathy for her, but seeing as she’s gone and done it again, we’re just humored by the situation. Apparently a rather racy pic of the flame haired singer (who is slowly morphing into Jesicca Rabbit) with her tits out has gone public, after a baseball player she was dating shared the image with his team-mates. She had previously been pretty upset about the first lot of sex texts that got out of the bag, commenting in an interview that “I just felt like my whole privacy was taken before that and then, when that came out, I thought, ‘oh

great, so now there’s nothing they don’t know about me and my private life’.” Of course, she forgot about the whole getting bashed by Chris Brown part of the private life that was later revealed in grizzly fashion. She later went on to defend her little inappropriate image addiction, stating that “If you don’t send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him.” Sorry love, do you mind saving BBM’s number in your phone - just for next time?

TWO AND A HALF TEETH WELL, that’s about what’s left for our mate Charlie Sheen. The hard-partying addict has apparently lost all his teeth due to excessive drug use. That good old porn star he terrified in the hotel room started the rumours by saying, “They’ve fallen out from partying. He kept saying ‘fucking porcelain teeth - they’re crap’. He said he had to get gold teeth. We all know it’s the drug use.”

Kids, pay heed, he may get paid millions to do an average-to-poor television show, sleep with models, and get drunk every day, but Charlie Sheen is not your ideal role model. Okay, well maybe just a little bit. Can somebody please get Robert Downey Jr. on the phone to sort Charlie out? Rob simply acts drunk in films - it’s not ideal but at least he has a smoking hot wife!

Looks like she may have to cave in if she wants the loser out of her life. (Ed - hey! That’s a Celebrity Big Brother winning loser) On the plus, for him, Alex could walk away with as much as £5.5 million in their divorce. We hate to say it love, but we told you it would never last. Shame you drove little Petey insane and he left you too!

BRITISH star of The Tudors, Henry Cavill, has been cast in the new reboot of Superman, as the man of steel himself. As we type this, BBM can hear the cries of panic from the Yanks about how the foreigners are taking over their superheroes. Lets not forget that the Brits had the country first, but that may spark a political history battle - two of our least favourite topics at school. Consider this, Batman is Welsh (although we bet he can do an American accent in his sleep these days) while Spiderman is British, Thor and Wolverine are Australian, and even the Green Lantern is Canadian. Suck it America, your actors suck!

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GOSSIP THE VAJAZZLER WHISPERER JENNIFER Love Hewitt has revealed this week that she’s lucky enough to have completely random women telling her all about their lady bits. The Ghost Whisperer star publicly declared her love for vajazzling and ever since has not been left alone by the public. Vajazzling is the (questionable) art of applying crystals around a ladies private parts, it’s become ever so popular after it’s appearance on The Only Way Is Essex. The actress spoke of herself being vajazzled during an

appearance on Lopez Tonight last year, and since then she’s been inundated with information on various women’s blinging vajayjays. The star stated on a reappearance on the show: “I’ll be getting lettuce in the grocery store and a lady will come up and go, ‘I’m vajazzled’. Depending on who it is, you’re like, ‘That’s gross but thank you and good luck with that!’.” BBM might have to resurrect our old phone line, back when we could charge a bucket load for the sex-depraved to chat to our sports editor in one of his wonderful accents. To discuss your lady parts, call 1900 TMI.

CYNDI’S TRUE COLOURS PHOTOS have emerged online this week of 80’s singer Cyndi Lauper (pictured), with an awful red rash covering her flawless-yet-weird face. The photos were taken whilst the singer landed in LAX airport. Lauper’s rep has said her condition is not serious, stating she “unfortunately had a bad reaction to a spa treatment while relaxing”. Well, that’s clearly what the publicist would like us to think. Next Cyndi will be visiting rehab for a ‘hernia’ alongside Mr. Sheen. Clearly there’s a secret behind Lauper’s appearance, although she’s well into her 50’s. Rumours are circulating on the good old web that the Girls Just Wanna Have Fun singer has undergone a chemical peel. Scandal!

DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEMSELVES CALL us conspiracy theorists, but BBM thinks there was a bit more to the White Stripes breaking up last week, especially since it was smack bang in the middle of Black History Month in America. Wait.. the White Stripes were still making music?! In a statement they said that “The reason is not due to artistic differences or lack of wanting to continue, nor any health issues as both Meg and Jack are feeling fine and in good health. It’s for a myriad of reasons, but mostly to preserve what is beautiful and

special about the band and have it stay that way.” Check your watches, it shouldn’t be long until the truth is revealed, these two were married remember. Or related. Or something. Continuing the wankfest, the statement claimed that “The White Stripes do not belong to Meg and Jack anymore. The White Stripes belong to you now and you can do with it whatever you want.”

APPARENTLY Michael Jackson’s career wasn’t the only thing that could’ve been saved if it wasn’t for a dodgy relationship. Michael himself could’ve been alive if his ace doctor wasn’t chatting up waitress Sade Anding on the phone at the time of MJ’s death. Sade told The Sun (so you know it’s true) that Murray began calling her and showering her with cash after they met in a steakhouse and bar in Texas. He pursued her for seven months - despite him living with 28-yearold former stripper Nicole Alvarez at the time. Dr. Murray made a call to the waitress after allegedly administering a cocktail of drugs. He is said to have left Jacko’s bedroom before calling, then returned still on his mobile to find MJ battling for life. Whoops.

JUST when you thought things were back to normal for our favourite trainwreck, Britney Spears has come under fire for fakery involving her new single. Wait, so you’re telling me that Brit isn’t autotuned to the limit and her refusal to sing live isn’t to concentrate on her choreography? Brit apparently called in a dance double to pull off her moves in her new video for Hold It Against Me. Dancer Allison Kyler was drafted in to perform as Spears wasn’t up to scratch in practice. Spears fled the shoot ‘in tears’ after an alleged run-in with director Jonas Akerlund, according to TMZ. We’re just glad we made it through an article without making a Hold It Against Me pun.

BBM bets Meg is pretty upset, she’ll have to get a real job.

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GOSSIP MORE RATED R RIHANNA YEP, it’s your lucky day as the popstar with the giant forehead has debuted the kinky video for her third single S&M. The video however has now been banned in 11 countries. YouTube is now asking users to verify they are over 18 before viewing the video, which features RiRi (pictured) writhing around in a latex outfit, whipping men tied up and posing in a style of Japanese rope bondage. The video is a direct response to Rihanna’s treatment in the press, with the singer being bound to a wall in front of a group of journalists. Sounds like our kinda interview...

video of her prancing around with ponies in a field whilst belting out ‘whips and chains excite me?’ The video also features gossip blogger Perez Hilton being walked like a dog. Personally the video doesn’t seem that bad, but having Perez Hilton feature in it, that’s just plain offensive. The song itself has also been pulled from UK station Radio 1 until a censored version is made available, meaning the current version cannot be played until after 7pm. You know what they say, any publicity is good publicity.

What the did people expect? A

IRON MAN MEETS ROCKET MAN

QUITE frankly, BBM is surprised that Elton wouldn’t be pushing himself as the star of a potential film about the Rocket Man’s life. He isn’t even waiting for his son to be old enough for the role - wonders never cease. Instead, old Elton is eyeing up Robert Downey Jr - insert your own joke here. He told Britain’s classiest newspaper, The Sun, that “I’m quite old now so they’d have to be two or three actors and they’d have to vary in weight... Robert Downey Jr. could maybe play

me at a certain stage.” The certain stage where Elton experimented in solving crimes alongside a young chap named Watson? Or that weird period after Diana’s death when Elton tried to hunt down journalists wearing an iron-clad suit. Maybe Robert is best looking after Billy Joel? Elton mentioned to the press that the Piano Man had to cancel tour dates because of “alcoholism” and related illness.

SUPER BOWL-SYNDROME OVER in America, the nation prepares for the big game between the Steelers and Packers. And BBM is very glad to see the packaging industry represented by their own football team. Before the American Football fans scoff at the thought of Glee airing immediately after the game, they’ll laugh hysterically at the big Super Bowl commercials - which cost $3 million just for the television space. Geez! However, over the years there have been some stinkers that BBM just has to mention in honour of the big game this week. Enjoy.

Last year, NBA star Charles Barkley rapped about Tacos. No, seriously. 24

In 1973, Joe Namath told Farrah Fawcett “I’m so excited. I’m going to get creamed!” Enough said.

Nationwide Insurance spent too much on the ad space in 2007 that they had to settle for Kevin Federline. Who? Exactly.

Dirt Devil vacuum cleaners brought Fred Astaire back to life. Classy.

DESPITE clearly having a copy of Amy Adams’ face plastered onto her wrinkly mug some time in the last 10 years, 76-year-old Nicole Kidman still claims she’s never had plastic surgery. The part-albino actress, who shuns facial expressions whenever possible, admitted she’d previously had botox (no shit) but said all that was behind her for now. Until next week at least. “I didn’t like it, so I’ve gone back to my own forehead. But I’ve never had plastic surgery on my face. People say I have but I haven’t,” she said. She also revealed she still has a hankering for closet homosexuals, including her husband, by claiming her marriage to alien-chasing Tom Cruise was pretty good. “We were very, very tight and that’s why we lasted ten years, which is a good amount of time,” said Kidman, despite clearly being wrong.

FORMERLY famous actor Christian Slater has died on holiday in the Alps after crashing into a tree on his snowboard. OK he hasn’t really, but we thought we’d add some fuel to the hoax fire after a spoof report had gossip sites atwittering this week. The false story about the 41-year-old’s loss of life is the latest in a spate of hoax reports that have spread like wildfire around the web. Slater’s publicist confirmed to the New York Daily News that he is still with us and that it’s just his career that hasn’t been seen in some time. Our thoughts go out to Slater’s family and the cast of Young Guns, who we’re sure are suffering at this time.

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THE WRAP ON THE FRINGE THE Adelaide Fringe is renowned for fresh ideas, risk, imagination, spontaneity and fun. It is the largest arts event in Australia and only rivalled by the Edinburgh Fringe on a worldwide scale. Sammy J: Feb 11 - March 13 ‘Chopper’: Feb 18, 19, 25, 26, March 4, 5 Lehmo: March 1 - 3, 4 - 5, 8 - 12 Kitty Flanagan: March 4 - 6, 11 - 13

Whose Line?: Feb 17 - March 12 Mikey & Sandman: March 1 - 2, 8 - 12 Fiona O’Loughlin: Feb 19 - 27 Jeff Green: Feb 15 - 19, 22 - 26

GET INVOLVER SASHA is one of the most innovative DJ / producers of our time. Propelling listeners into the future of electronic music by creating forward thinking concept albums, he blurs the boundaries between artist and DJ. Sasha will play Chinese Laundry in Sydney on February 18th from 10pm. Tickets are $45 and are available from Moshtix.

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BLACK SWAN

TRUE GRIT

THE GREEN HORNET

KING’S SPEECH

£4

£25

THE GREEN HORNET £.7

£5

GULLIVER’S TRAVELS £.6

£15

$15

NO STRINGS ATTACHED $13

$40

$79

THE RITE THE MECHANIC

$11

A U S T R A L I A

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$ IN MILLIONS HIGHEST WEEKS IN POSITION RELEASE

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GET ON THE BIG JET PLANE FRESH off their number one spot on Triple J’s Hottest 100, Angus and Julia Stone play the Womadelaide Festival. The 2011 event will host over 400 artists from more than 25 countries.

FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

WEEKEND WEEKS IN TOTAL BOX EARNINGS RELEASE OFFICE

FILM

Date: March 11 - 14 Where: Botanic Park, Adelaide

LAST WEEK

WYNTER GORDON

ENRIQUE IGLESIAS

TONIGHT

RIHANNA

S&M

DIRTY TALK

KE$HA

BRUNO MARS

GRENADE

ROLLING IN THE DEEP

ADELE

BRUNO MARS

KATY PERRY

WIZ KHALIFA

WE R WHO WE R

GRENADE

FIREWORK BLACK AND YELLOW

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

ON BBMLIVE.COM THIS WEEK CHRISTIAN TV: WHEN SHE TURNS 18 Hitting 18 is a good thing for all of us, we can do whatever we want whenever we want. Parents are going to hate this track but that isn’t something Christian TV is worried about with new single When She Turns 18. The scandalous lyrics will make it a hit for many years to come, this guy is bringing attitude to your ears.

COMPETITIONS AFTER rocking tens of thousands of screaming fans at Melbourne’s Etihad stadium on New Years Eve, the planet’s reigning #1 DJ and international Trance superstar, Armin Van Buuren, is on his way back to Australian shores for another exclusive, one-night only affair that’s simply not to be missed. BBM has two double passes to the Sydney show to give away.

THANKS to our friends at Paramount, BBM has a crazy 25 double passes to see True Grit to give away. Enlisting the help of a triggerhappy, drunken U.S. Marshal, Rooster Cogburn, fourteen-yearold Mattie Ross sets out with him — over his objections — to hunt down the man who killed her father. True Grit is in cinemas right now.

WITH their latest track Houdini doing magic tricks across the airwaves, Los Angeles three-piece Foster The People hit The Zoo in Brisbane on Sunday, February 13th, followed by Oxford Art Factory in Sydney on Monday, February 14th before heading to Melbourne on Wednesday, February 16th to headline Northcote Social Club two nights in a row.

A BUNCH of film, television, comic and anime guests will be meeting fans, signing autographs and taking photos at Sydney’s Armageddon Expo. To celebrate, BBM has f ve double passes to the event to give away. Armageddon takes place at Sydney Olympic Park on February 26 and 27th.

TO ENTER ANY OF THESE COMPS, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/COMPETITIONS.HTML 26

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REVIEWS FASTER CAST

DIRECTORRELEASED

Dwayne Johnson George Tillman Jr. Billy Bob Thornton (Notorious) SURELY the script to Faster has been floating around Hollywood since the late 1980’s, as Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal would’ve felt right at home with some of the dialogue The Rock delivers in this revenge flick that feels very old-school.

RATING

Now

In Cinemas (MA15+)

and Oliver Jackson-Cohen as a hit man, serving only to make the film less snappier and a lot longer than it should be.

Fresh off his run in Oscar-worthy movies such as The Tooth Fairy and The Game Plan, The Rock is back to his ass-kicking best and the action scenes are admittedly top notch. As The plot is simple. The Rock is released from jail and promptly goes mentioned, the dialogue is nothing on the warpath, killing those who to rave about but Billy Bob and were responsible for his brother’s Watchmen’s Carla Gugino do their best with the material. death and his incarceration. Pretty straight-forward, right? Faster should be a no-nonsense Wrong. The waters are muddied just action film, but the nonsense when things get interesting by two involving families and side-plots do pretty irrelevent side plots involving nothing but lower my rating. Sorry, Rocky. Ben Harlum the family of Billy Bob’s character

NAKED AND FAMOUS THERE’S a splattering, speckled correlation among Passive Me, Aggressive You, the debut album by The Naked and Famous, their colourful youthful sound evident throughout each track. ALBUM

Passive Me, Aggressive You

RELEASED

Now

RATING

All of This births the album’s name and juxtaposes tight instrument composition with rhythmic synth vibes. It starts the album well and there is no sign of a set genre, which is no bad thing. There is

an amalgamation of styles, although a surf rock sound mixed with lo-fi synth sounds shines through. The first single, ‘Punching in a Dream,’ is the second track. There is a familiarity in the vocals that serve as a reminder of the summer of 2010 and the ‘electric feel’ soundtrack that came with it. The album slips into a solemn detour in the track ‘Frayed’ with dark sombre tones and

haunting vocal crossovers. It maybe a little too forward for their time, but they have been selected for the BBC’s sound of 2011. The New Zealand based band released the album last year and have a tour in place that any band would hope for. With its sound-changing shape and freckled tracks, this is one of the schizophrenic highlights of 2010. Ashley Moore

SUMMERDAYZE AUSTRALIA has a reputation across the globe for awesome one day festivals, and with some huge names featuring at Summerdayze 2011, this was going to be no exception.

DATE

8th January, 2011

VENUE

Supreme Court Gardens, Perth

RATING

With the typical Western Australia sun putting his hat on, the picturesque venue of the Supreme Court Gardens and full strength beer on the menu, it was set to be a wicked day!

N.E.R.D were the first band we caught and were simply amazing. The set was a bit shorter than much of the crowd would have preferred but they went hard out to get the party started in typical N.E.R.D style. We took a break from the acid house party surroundings and checked out Miami Horror. Although the set was going off, it was due to the heat and lack of shelter from the sun

that a prolonged dance was out of the question. The perfect day was finished off by a sublime performance by David Guetta. Needless to say, the gorgeous gardens took a battering to the unique Guetta sound. His flair for individuality and wicked dress sense brought Summerdayze to an almighty climax. Steph Massey

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INTERVIEW “I think if I told my sixteen-year-old self that we would travel to Australia twice as a band to play shows, I would probably pee my pants or at least fall down. Actually, if I told my sixteen-year-old self that we would travel out of Ontario (or Steve’s basement, even) to play shows, I’d still be pretty shocked. We’re very lucky to be able to travel to so many different countries at our age. Not every band gets to do this.” Born Ruffians never expected to make it out of Midland, Ontario let alone Down Under. Having formed back in 2004, the group found acclaim as the trio Luke LaLonde (guitar/ vocals), Mitch Derosier (bass) and Steven Hamelin (drums) before their recent addition of Andy Lloyd to the live line-up. Happily admitting that “travelling is easily one of the biggest perks,” the band are unanimous in stating “hummus is a close second. A lot of free hummus.” As with many bands, the on the road life means that they don’t get much opportunity to really take in their new surroundings. “We try and see as much as we can since you

never know when you’ll be able to again, but it’s really diff cult with the schedule we usually tour with. We try and pack as many shows in as many days as possible, so with long drives or f ights or whatever, it makes for very little time to see the sights. But our last US tour was 30 shows in 33 days with a week of 10-hour per day drives, and we still managed to take a riverboat ride in Florida, shoot guns in Texas and go to Lucha Va Voom pro wrestling in Portland. Needless to say, we were also all dead by the end of it.” So, given that they have now toured Oz twice and even had time to see the sights, where do the boys want to head next? “There’s a ton of places I’d love to play. Italy, Spain, Japan and Brazil to name a few. New Zealand is somewhere that I feel like we should’ve played both times we traveled to Australia, but for whatever reason we weren’t able to. Next time?” WORDS AND IMAGE: JEREMY WILLIAMS

INTERVIEW The jump from drama school to acting work is something that can take years, so Sydney born, Melbourne-based actress Elizabeth Nabben knows she has struck it lucky to be making her professional stage debut in The Malthouse’s upcoming production of John Ford’s classic tale of tragic incestuous love Tis Pity She’s A Whore within weeks of her graduation. But rather than boasting of her successes, Nabben is modest about her achievements as she exclaims “I wouldn’t have been able to predict this!” While Nabben concedes that Annabella is not really a break from her stereotype, the rehearsal process has shown her that there is more to the naïve, innocent romantic lead than first meets the eye. “She is not just your young, virgin maid. On the f rst day we were running through a scene and we came to the end and she [director Marion Potts] said, well that was your Juliet version now let me see more. That was too polite, now be a bitch. I remember doing the scene again and thinking ‘oh my God, I was horrible!’” Even if Annabella has a slightly bitchy side, Nabben admits that she and her star-crossed lover Giovanni, who is coincidentally also her brother, are regardless of their sins the innocence in a cruel world. While their love is “sincere, heartfelt, deep and real,” neither are naïve enough to think they can survive their surroundings. Annabella, who has three suitors, looks around her world and connects with the purest person out there. Enraptured by their innocence, the audience find it hard “to condemn the characters” even if it is “against nature, but you have to ask yourself, why are they forced together in this way?” ‘Tis Pity She’s a Whore hits the Merlyn Theatre from February 11 - March 5. WORDS AND PHOTO: JEREMY WILLIAMS

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INTERVIEW Since the 70’s, Gang of Four’s high energy music has gained them fans around the world. BBM’s URBY URBEN caught up with lead singer Jon King to discuss their set at Soundwave as well as a bunch of side shows.

I’ve never been to Australia at all. My daughter has visited Australia, she thinks it’s marvelous. All my friends have visited, I have excellent Australian friends in London.

Who inf uenced you when you were f rst starting out? I particularly love dub reggae and guitar music like Jimi Hendrix. I love the lyrics of Bob Dylan and The Band and even pop music like Chic. But it did seem that when we started there was almost like a musical apartheid where if you were in a rock band you couldn’t play anything that had any groove or soul, unless you played in a funk band. All of these things are in this big soup. I suppose for me, listening to very old blues music has always inspired me because there’s nothing going on except a singer, a guitar and a microphone.

The inf uence Gang Of Four has had on bands like Bloc Party, Futureheads and Radio 4 is well documented, was the success of those bands part of the reason for the reformation in 2004? Yes it was. It had been a long time since I’d done any work with Andy, it had been over a decade. I hadn’t even seen Hugo and Dave for about 14 or 15 years because they’ve both been

What ratio of new to old tunes can we expect when you play here in March? We will be playing in a set of 14 songs, probably 6 new songs, and then it depends on the encore. Sometimes we do two encores so that could be another 5 or 6 songs. You can never predict whether or not an encore will happen, but it could be as many as 21 songs, 6 of which will be new.

Why has it taken you so long to come to Australia? We never got offered a tour, it’s no more complicated than that. I’ve never understood why that was, I’m so excited about coming.

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living in North America.

I couldn’t help noticing that Natural’s Not In It was used for a recent Xbox advert, that couldn’t have been a decision that you made lightly. How did that come about? Actually it was a decision that I made lightly. Some of the bands that I most love in the world like The Clash, The Stooges, The Velvet Underground and Blur have all used their stuff in advertising. I have been very weary about music being used on stuff, but because Andy and I both actually rather like playing games I thought it was good. The conundrum these days is that you can’t make money from selling recorded music, so you have to somehow pay for your gas and lighting bills somehow or other. Gang of Four play Soundwave across Australia, The Hi-Fi Brisbane on Feb 25th, Gaelic Sydney on March 1st, Melbourne’s Corner Hotel on the 2nd and Perth’s Bakery on the 8th.

INTERVIEW

Ami Cusack has made a name for herself as a two-time Survivor castaway, making her a bonaf de All-Star. She’ll be visiting Australia for the Armageddon Expo this month and she called BBM’s BEN HARLUM with the details. I know how much you love Australia... I am really, really excited. After both seasons, Fans vs. Favourites and Vanuatu, I came down to Australia to recover and get back on my feet - I’m also not good at keeping secrets so I didn’t have to talk about the game when I was there. The people there are so amazing, I feel at home there. I remember you also attended a rugby union game while you were in Sydney as well? It was a Bledisloe Cup game although I’m sorry to say that I think the All Blacks had already won the series. The Denver Broncos NFL games I watch back home have nothing on your rugby. [laughs]

As someone who has come back for a season competing against fans, like Russell and Rob will next season, does that change the game? Ahh! Oh my god, If I could fight any Survivor castaway in a cage it would be Russell. It’s going to be so hard for them to stay in the game, they’re going to have to be pretty powerful and try to convince the first-timers that it’s a benefit to have you on the tribe. Rob is such a good person but Russell.. he popped up at a Survivor charity event once, came up to me and said ‘Ami, there’s a chance we could do an all-stars season together. I have your back.’ I’m like ‘dude, we’re not playing the game!’ [laughs] Armageddon Expo hits Sydney on February 26 and 27, and Adelaide on March 5 and 6. Tickets are available from Ticketek or on the door, visit armageddonexpo.com for more details.

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INTERVIEW

Battling a hangover after a gig at Sydney’s Chinese Laundry, Dominic B from the Stanton Warriors took time out to chat with DEBORAH JACKSON about their new album, Warriors, which was released on Friday. What can fans expect from the new album? It has been going really well, getting some good reactions, the first track of the album was BBC radio’s best record of the world, so it is quite an exciting time for us at the moment, which is good. What are some of your favourite tracks from the album? Different tracks resonate with different people in different areas. A lot of the time albums will have like one or two tracks, and then the rest are kind of filler tracks, so it is nice for people to always come back with a different tune as their favourite. How do you manage to stay ahead of the curve when you are putting together a new track or a new album? You have to think out of the box, you have to just try as much as you can to be innovative and fresh. Doing music for a long time, just for your own sanity it’s just nice to try and push boundaries. What has been the greatest inf uence behind the album? Travelling and touring. Picking up different sounds and samples from around the world and then working it into our music and playing our set music in a club that night… All of that hand in hand is kind of like inspiring as each other. A great club or a great night out can inspire you to make a great tune the next day. What is your favourite type of gig? Festivals are good, 18,000 people in one room you’ll be looking out over the crowd and just thinking “Jesus”, but at the same time we just did a gig at the Chinese Laundry in Sydney, we did a 4 hour set, which you don’t ever do at festivals and that felt more satisfying from an artist’s point of view because you can really get deep and down with the people right in front of you.

INTERVIEW

Almost half a century after forming, The Wolfe Tones are still at the top of their game, renowned as the world’s most popular folk and ballad group. Brian Warf eld, one third of the group talked to DEBORAH JACKSON (who was very busy this week!) about their legendary career. After being in the industry for 48 years, how do you manage to stay ‘on top’? The Wolfe Tones are unique in the sense that we don’t really follow trends. We have a distinctive sound that more or less sets trends that have been copied by many Irish folk bands all over the world. The fact that our music relates to the Irish situation attracts it to the Irish people and those people across the world who like a different style of music to Global Pop. Our music will always have an appeal to anyone who has a little Irish in them. What’s been the most embarrassing thing to happen on tour or on stage? We were booked to play at a world title fight in Madison Square Garden in New York City. The promoter gave us the go to start the show, so we blasted off but in the middle of the first song the fighters came out and the ref requested the singing to cease. It was all on cable TV. We could not believe that someone had got the timing mixed up. What are you most looking forward to about your upcoming tour to Australia? That’s easy, the people. I think the old nature of Irish hospitality has penetrated deep into the Australian personality. In my experience of Australia I have found them to be the most generous friendly fun loving people I have encountered. I just love you, what more can I say? The Wolfe Tones play Melbourne’s Forum on March 19, Sydney’s Enmore on the 20th, Perth’s Burswood on the 25th and Brisbane’s Tivoli on the 26th.

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SYDNEY NEWS MARITAL BLITZ SURELY BBM aren’t the only ones with The Sweet’s Ballroom Blitz playing in our head after that headline? Anybody? Bueller?

drew their tasers to restore order as some of the wannabe-WWE wrestlers fled the scene.

Anyway, we digress. Taking a page out of Hulk Hogan’s book, police were called to a wedding in Sydney’s southwest after it ended in a brawl. Tables, ladders and chairs - oh my!

Now BBM has been involved in some great wedding moments in our time - mostly involving the line “Speak now, or forever hold your peace,” and most definitely involved a drunken romp with the blushing bride at her hens night.

A large number of people were reported to be fighting outside a reception centre in Revesby late at night. On arrival, police found no-one fighting near the centre but soon discovered the fight had moved down the street. Great detective skills there, coppers.

But we at least have had the dignity to save our brawls with the groom until the divorce papers were signed. Nothing tops old Hulk Hogan though, whose wedding was crashed by a photographer - who was prompty attacked by the party of ex-wrestlers.

Capsicum spray was used and police

get your TAX BACK

IN an ingenious idea to make a quick buck, young people aged 16 to 30 who are sexually active (pictured) will be paid $10 if they accept an offer at a participating pharmacy to undergo a chlamydia test.

Count us in, it’ll pay for our lunch! Wait, what exactly do you define ‘sexually active’ as? The study is aiming to test 300 to 400 young people, meaning anywhere between $6000 to $8000 will be paid to those tested and also the pharmacies. It’s with great pleasure that BBM will launch the new chemist branch of our business. Not only will we receive $10 for testing the kids, we’ll also know which ones to avoid when out clubbing! Win Win.

Only

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Average Refund:

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For more information sms “BBM” to 040 999 0535

www.taxback.com/BBM BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WHAT’S ON SYDNEY

Good Vibrations 2011 A landmark on the Australian Summer calendar, Good Vibes always delivers an unforgettable party atmosphere. Bringing together the finest beat-based party music from around the world, once again it’s putting the festive back into festival!

Chinese New Year

Lineup Includes: Phoenix, Kelis, Ludacris, Faithless, the Ting Tings, Mike Posner , Tim & Jean, Fenech-Soler and Miike Snow.

SYDNEY will hop into the Year of the Rabbit, launching with the spectacular Twilight Parade on 6 February.

When: 12th February Where: Centennial Park Cost: From $144

Thousands of people are expected to line the shores at Cockle Bay for the largest Dragon Boat racing spectacular in the Southern Hemisphere. (February 12th & 13th, Darling Harbour) Ten incredible life-sized terracotta warriors are in Sydney, displayed alongside ceremonial bells and daggers, pottery and ceramics (Daily, 10am - 5pm, Art Gallery of NSW) On the 70th anniversary of his birth, Bruce Lee, My Brother is a powerful new biopic of the martial arts legend as told by his younger brother. (February 9th, Dendy Opera Quays, $10)

WITH the Sydney & Melbourne Laneway Festivals sold out in record time, Yeasayer are playing an exclusive club show at The Metro Theatre. When: February 7th Where: Metro Theatre Cost: $55

TAP DOGS was born at the Sydney Festival 15 years ago, and now they’re coming back – stronger, faster, louder more outrageous than ever. When: Until February 6th Where: Capitol Theatre Cost: From $75 ARTEXPRESS is a dynamic and popular exhibition featuring a selection of outstanding student artworks developed for the artmaking component of the HSC examination in Visual Arts, 2010. When: February 9th - April 10th Where: Art Gallery of NSW Cost: Free

MULTI-AWARD winning Irish comedian Tommy Tiernan returns to the Sydney Comedy Festival after his hugely successful sold out tour of Australia & New Zealand in 2010. When: April 12th Where: Enmore Theatre Cost: $42

FORMED in 2001, Deerhunter quickly became recognised in Atlanta’s music scene for their ability to fuse minimalist music with the klang of garage rock. When: February 8th Where: Metro Theatre Cost: $55 CROSSING the divide between indie, electronic, dance and rock, !!! have created a style of their very own. They bring their massive sound and stunning dance moves back to for a special show. When: February 9th Where: Metro Theatre Cost: $52

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MELBOURNE NEWS IT’S BAKING IN HERE IN AN age of CCTVV and YouTube, never has it been more socially perilous to be a bungling criminal. Gone are the days when a burglar simply ran the risk of jail time if they screwed up whatever nefarious act they were committing. Now there’s a good chance they’ll have their mug plastered on the internet and laughed at by billions. As happened in Frankston this week when a would-be robber broke into a bakery then spent 30 minutes accidentally hurting himself as he desperately tried to get out. The young idiot broke into a locked store room through a skylight… and eventually realized he couldn’t get out. CCTV footage shows him trying to stack boxes and crates on top of

each other in an attempt to reach the skylight, only to plummet back to earth from roof-height f on at least five occasions. The brainy

bandit then phones a few friends and eventually spots the CCTV camera. Rather than try and hide or destroy the lens… he walks right up to it and stares directly into the camera for several seconds giving police an excellent photo-fit. He eventually broke out of the room with a large gash on his head, but without any dough. Amazingly, he hasn’t been picked up by police since the incident despite the crystal clear images they have. Just a hunch, but we’d suggest they start searching any nearby abandoned wells.

PROVING that it’s not just Melbourne criminals who can be idiots (see main story), the local police got in on the act this week when an officer shot himself in the hand at Victoria Police Centre. The senior constable suffered a “non-life threatening injury to his hand” when the gun “discharged unintentionally” while he was inside the police headquarters, a Victoria Police spokeswoman said. The spokeswoman could not explain the circumstances surrounding the shooting. BBM understands that “arsing about with a firearm” may have been the primary cause. “WHAT’S the harm?” is what the basic legal argument of a Melbourne teacher boils down to after he appealed against a jail-term for becoming a willing toe-sucking slave to a 14-year-old “foot master”. No we’re not making this up. Channa Wickremesekera, 43, a former Melbourne teacher, committed indecent acts with the boy, 14, who had advertised on YouTube for someone to “worship” his feet. But in this case, “indecent” doesn’t mean bumming him up the ass. It means sucking his toes and buying him shoes and socks. Freak!

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WHAT’S ON MELBOURNE

TRAIN once made the prolific claim that She’s On Fire before revealing that she has Drops of Jupiter in her hair and disappearing into the musical abyss for nearly a decade. Screaming Save Me, San Francisco, the American country tinged pop trio saved themselves from sinking with the ever so radio friendly chart hits Hey Soul Sister and Marry Me.

With a distinct sound and singalong style, Train ooze summer vibes and are the perfect start to a week of musical highlights in Melbourne. We’d suggest getting in line now so that you won’t be singing Maarja’s chart flop Just Missed The Train as opposed to Train’s trail of hits. When: 7th Feburary Where: Forum Theatre, Melbourne

FOR a truly local treat, the St Kilda Festival provides free access to the buzzing Melbourne arts scene. From free outdoor gigs to an uncontrollably diverse Sunday market – St Kilda Festival comes to life from the 5th. With over 90 music performances as part of Live N Local through to Paris Wells and Gareth Liddiard on the main stage at Festival Sunday

– St Kilda Festival is far more than just another music festival. With events such as the Jewish Walk and forum discussions – St Kilda Festival is the place to be – just pick your night! When: Until 13th February Where: St Kilda

AS if one big festival hitting the Melbourne streets wasn’t enough – Laneway Festival is also coming to town! With a celebration of the international music scene buzzing across Australia’s biggest cities, Melbourne’s CBD can’t wait to play host to everyone from funky folksters Stornoway through to the louche Jenny and Johnny!

RUBEN Guthrie is a precocious player at the top of the high stakes advertising industry with an innate wit and charm fueled by endless parties and high octane benders. But does his talent lie at the bottom of a bottle? This becomes the crucial question when a major relationship breakdown forces him to

Lineup: !!!, Haunted Graffiti, Foals, Cut Copy, Cloud Control, Les Savy Fav, PVT, Two Door Cinema Club, Warpaint, Deerhunter and much more. When: February 5th Cost: $129

assess his future and face up to his addictive personality. Brimming with upcoming talent, the latest Red Stitch production is one that is not to be missed. When: 5th Feburary – 2nd March Where: Red Stitch Actors Theatre

GIVEN that the Chinese Quarter of Melbourne’s CBD is a must-see on the tourist trail – the addition of the Chinese New Year Celebrations, bringing the area to an unbridled colourful life is without any doubt an annual highlight of the Melbourne calendar.

feature dances, opera, karaoke, culinary delights, and arts and crafts. There will be Chinese chess competitions, lion dances, dragon parades, calligraphy and children’s events. When: February 6th Where: Chinatown

Melbourne’s Chinese New Year celebrations

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WHAT’S ON PERTH

BUTCH has spent the past five years presenting the world with an amazing array of music throughout the different genres of electronic dance music with such an ease and passion that it has made him one of the most sought-after names worldwide. When: Friday, 11th February 2011 Where: Geisha Bar

ALTHOUGH Luke & Wyatt are a relatively young act who first performed in early 2005, their short careers have seen them acquire a reputation as a young, high energy, entertaining act. When: February 7th to 10th Where: The Urban Orchard, Perth Cultural Centre

SINCE it began in a small laneway in inner-city Melbourne in 2004, the St Jerome’s Laneway Festival has grown to be a highlight event for music lovers around the country. 2011 Lineup: !!!, Ariel Pink, Deerhunter, Foals, Two Door Cinema Club, Yeasayer, Warpaint, PVT, CutCopy, Gotye and more When: Saturday, February 12th Where: Perth Cultural Centre, Northbridge Cost: $110

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB 1 Holdsworth Street, Fremantle

ROSIE O’GRADY’S 205 James Street, Northbridge

ROSEMOUNT 459 Fitzgerald Street, North Perth

DURTY NELLY’S 397 Murray Street, Perth

THE NEWPORT HOTEL 2 South Terrace, Fremantle

MURPHY’S IRISH PUB 43 Mandurah Terrace, Perth

ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW 55 Lake Street, Northbridge

THE SHED 69/71 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge

HOTEL ROTTNEST 1 Bedford Avenue, Rottnest Island

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

FEATURE MIGRATION

THE CHANGING FACE OF AUSTRALIAN MIGRATION BY STEWART COULSON

AUSTRALIAN Immigration law and policy is shifting greatly in relation to the skills attributes and characteristics of a permanent resident visa applicant hoping to be successful in their application. On 1 July 2011, the Australian government is expected to release a new points test for independent skilled migration to Australia. Simply put, older more experienced skilled professionals and trades people from English speaking backgrounds that are not eligible under the existing regime can become eligible under the new regime. As an example a 39 year old Engineer, Nurse or IT professional with 8 years experience from an English speaking background could very well satisfy the points test once it passes into law. If you are from England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Canada, USA, or have very strong English skills, and wish to migrate to Australia, it will be well worth your while to look again at your eligibility. However, the new English language requirements, and associated points, will act as a barrier to many migrants who have English as a second language. Younger, less experienced migrants will also struggle to satisfy the new points test. Also, in reducing the number of occupations available for skilled independent permanent migration from 400+ to 181 occupations, the Australian government is focused on pushing Australian visa applicants to first secure a job and a work place sponsor to then allow them to open up potential permanent residence pathways. With the support and sponsorship of your employer, there are a number of permanent residence pathways available to you, whether you are in or outside of Australia. Also, higher points are being awarded for years of Australian working experience meaning older applicants in Australia working on subclass 457 temporary working visas may also find themselves eligible for permanent residence under the new points test after 1 July 2001. It is important to note the list of occupations available for permanent residence under the Employer Nomination Scheme migration pathways has not been reduced and remains very broad indeed. Australian immigration law and policy is very dynamic and constantly changing. As one door shuts, another one opens. If you are an experienced professional or trades person, suffering the effects of the Global Financial Crisis, such as workers in Ireland are, I suggest it might be time to look to migrating to Australia once again for future security. There will also be many potential visa applicants who should act quickly to lodge before 1 July 2011 or see their opportunity for Australian permanent residence lost. Remember, it is important to have accurate and up-to-date legal advice and assistance in preparing your Australian permanent residence application because quite simply, your future is riding on it. For a discussion on your visa options, you can contact either Ray Turner or Stewart Coulson at (02) 9264 4654 or info@tcilawyers.com.au

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

FIND A WAY TO STAY There are more than 140 different types of Australian visas

To find out which one best suits you

CALL JOHN MC QUAID For a free assessment of your options

02 9369 2400 Specialising in visas for: Employer sponsorship and skilled workers, Partners and Families, Student Visas with work rights

Call John or Narelle on 02 93692400 Email:info@arriveaustraliacomau Email: info@arriveaustralia.com.au Website: www.arriveaustralia.com.au

Westfield Tower Bondi Junction MARN 0324918

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

FEATURE MIGRATION

NOT JUST FRUIT PICKING PART ONE

AUSTRALIA’S appeal to travellers stems from its image as a safe, clean, friendly, youthful, fun loving, dynamic, beautiful and adventurous place. No wonder it’s a popular destination for nearly every other country around the world. Australia has a reciprocal Working Holiday Visa (WHV) agreement with a growing number of countries, making it easy to live and work here for a period of 12 months. But with this comes the common misconception that in coming to Australia you will have to settle for a fruit picking or bar job. Don’t get me wrong, while fruit picking and bar work can be a lot of fun, it is not for everybody. In the wake of the devastating floods that ravaged Queensland as well as parts of New South Wales, South Australia and Victoria, the need for qualified tradesmen, laborers and engineers just to name a few positions has never been in greater demand. These are wellpaid jobs based mainly in beautiful Queensland that desperately need to be filled. Have you ever fancied yourself working outback on a farm, learning new skills as a jackaroo and escaping the hustle and bustle of city life? Well regional areas of Australia have all sorts of positions available to travellers, ranging from farm hand, to maintenance, housekeepers or all-rounders involving handling livestock! These positions will usually offer free board and meals. Sales jobs are always readily available for travellers and fortunately they often require little to no experience because companies will provide ongoing training and support. The only requirement is that you are fun and friendly and eager to learn. This is just a brief outline of a few positions that are in demand as well as being a lot of fun or career oriented. There are countless other jobs in Australia just waiting to be filled, of which some we’ll have a look at next week. Whether you want to stay in your chosen field, or try something completely different and experience a different culture, there is something here in Australia for you.

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

RECRUITMENT

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

:$17 72 ),1' $ -2%" Â&#x;OĂ?OÂ&#x;AĂ&#x192;cÂł Ă?Â&#x2013;lÂ&#x2013;OlĂ&#x192;Ă?Â&#x;yĂ?Ă?Â&#x2C6;lĂ? -" `Ă? Ă&#x2DC;Ă&#x2020;Ă?Ă&#x192;AÂ&#x2019;Â&#x2039;AÂ&#x203A;Ă? Â&#x;Â&#x203A;Ă?Ă&#x192;AYĂ?Ă?-Ă&#x192;Â&#x;ylĂ&#x2020;Ă&#x2020;Â&#x2039;Â&#x;Â&#x203A;AÂ&#x2019;Ă?"AÂ&#x203A;AÂ&#x20AC;lÂ&#x2013;lÂ&#x203A;Ă?Ă? Ă&#x2020;Ă&#x2020;Â&#x;YÂ&#x2039;AĂ?Â&#x2039;Â&#x;Â&#x203A;

To apply for these roles please e-mail our CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Sydney Jobs

Apply to tc@freespirit.com.au

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MEDIA SALES CONSULTANT $22 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLES)

CLAIMS $22 PER HOUR (3 MONTH ROLES)

Our client is a newly established on-line media agency seeking a number of experienced outbound call consultants to join their small but busy North Sydney media team.

Leading Australian Insurance company requires reliable travelers for contract role;

You will possess; â&#x20AC;˘ Excellent communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ Highly motivated individual â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Friendly personality This is a great role calling an existing client base. Full training provided.

â&#x20AC;˘ Must have Insurance Claims experience, Home & Content preferred â&#x20AC;˘ Strong Microsoft Office and communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ CBD location â&#x20AC;˘ Young and friendly team, nice offices â&#x20AC;˘ $22 plus super â&#x20AC;˘ Start now for 3 months with a view to extend to 6 months

COLLECTIONS $24-$26 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLE)

ACCOUNTS PAYABLE/RECEIVABLE $24-$26 PER HOUR

We have a fantastic collections opportunity working for a leading global bank.

Do you have accounts payable/receivable experience?? We have clients in the city seeking candidates for immediate start.

Candidates must possess the following; â&#x20AC;˘ At least 12 months experience in Collections (Banking and Finance) â&#x20AC;˘ Tenacious and hard-working â&#x20AC;˘ Team player Excellent opportunity to work in Sydneyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s CBD for a prestigious organization.

The ideal candidate will; â&#x20AC;˘ Thrive in a busy environment â&#x20AC;˘ High attention to detail â&#x20AC;˘ At least 2 years experience â&#x20AC;˘ Ability to prioritize workload Assignments are up to 6 months paying $24-$26 an hour. To apply for these roles please email your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Already have a job and want more money? Call 1300 freespirit to ask us about LAFHA.

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JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA DO YOU WANT TO WRITE about traveling around the Australians West Coast? This is a great opportunity to get your name in to print. This not a paid job, but other benefi ts are available like free activities or accommodation as you travel. Well established magazine now ten years old. Please apply to: guchi.shakir@what-media. com

JUST CUTS are seeking fully qualifi ed hairdressers, friendly and interactive professionals who pride themselves in doing quality cuts every time. If you love working in a team environment and are looking for a new exciting challenge email Maxine.mm@ optusnet. com.au or ph 0734919626. Salons around Australiagreat chances to move around the country!

MELBOURNE

PROMOTIONAL STAFF. call centre work available to promote electricity and gas. simple work and great money. full time training provided - no experience needed. melbourne work only. call jerry on 03 9867 6322 FLAUNT IT! We are the leading producers of creative nude photography, and are looking for amateur models 18 + to smash the stereotypes. Earn 500+ cash on your own terms. Fun, safe women run company. Call Rebecca 03 9495 6555

SYDNEY Call Centre - Travellers Wanted! Our Client is seeking travellers with fantastic customer service and sale skills for a 6-8 temp assignment. Your role will be generating leads on behalf of a well established global client through warm and cold calling. Paying $22 Plus Super If you think you are right for the role then please send your detailed resume to tc@freespirit.com.au

INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT

is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: Warehousing, Labouring, Stores, Process Work, Green card and safety boots are an advantage – however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email indadmin@industriousrecruitment.com.au or contact Sarah @ (02) 9270 5257

DATA ENTRY OFFICER – TRAVELLERS WELCOME!! Our Client is seeking an experienced Data Entry Offi cer with the following criteria: Minimum of 1 year work experience. English fl uency. Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity. Not on Student Visa. If you believe you are the right candidate for this role please forward your resume through to mailto:tc@freespirit.com.au

SALES EXECUTIVE DO WANT TO SETTLE DOWN IN AUSTRALIA? DO YOU LOVE SELLING? • Generous package • An opportunity to become an Australian permanent resident and eventually a citizen! • Fantastic full-time sales role with growth potential • Both face-to-face & call centre positions! • Complete training available • Assistance with your visa We are a privately owned media company experiencing growth year on year. We require LOUD, FUN & SMART individuals to join our young & dynamic team to work out of our West Sydney and Inner West Sydney offi ces As Sales Executive you will be selling to medium sized local businesses and organisations, gradually building strong relationships with your portfolio of clients. We want to see your great selling skills and your original ideas and marketing solutions. If you have a professional attitude and presentation, then email your resume and a cover letter to

resumes@internode.on.net 56

BBM-594 // JOB LISTINGS

ADULT EMPLOYMENT -BEJFT SFR (VBSBOUFFE #VTJFTU E E #FTU 3BUF JO 4ZEOFZ 63(&/5 &"3/ , 1&3 4)*'5 1"*% %"*-: /P FYQFSJFODF SFRVJSFE GVMM USBJOJOH BOE GSFF BDDPNNPEBUJPO ,JOH 4U /FXUPXO 4U 1FUFST XXX BNPSF DPN BV

TO ADVERTISE CALL

Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Training provided Discreet, Paid daily Flexible hours Foxtel and internet access for staff Friendly Female management Located in the heart of Sydney Earn $150+ per hour

NO SEX

www.sirs.com.au 80 ERSKINE ST. SYDNEY CBD

Female Masseurs Required $115 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team

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(02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills www.nirvanasydney.com.au

GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN!! BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE!! Female Masseurs required $115 p/hr Full training provided Immediate Start Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team

(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES

135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay www.atmichelles.com

KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road. 261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au

BBM-594 // JOB LISTINGS

JOB LISTINGS

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BBM-594 // JOB LISTINGS

ACCOMMODATION SYDNEY BONDI JUNCTION. CHEAPER THAN A DORM: Walking distance to Cock and Bull and Tea Gardens. Rooms available: Singles, doubles, triples and quads. All bills inc. All rooms include kitchenette, fridge, microwave. Laundry. Spotless. Near transport. Oxford Court Accommodation. From $120pppw. 170 Oxford Street, Woollahra. Call 9327 2233 / 0412 547 840. Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms in the heart of the city. Dorm beds single $40 per night or $180 per week, double rooms $80 per night OR $320 per week. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

DARLINGHURST BUDGET. NEWLY RE-FURBISHED SHARE ACCOMMODATION - Rear of 433 Liverpool Street, Darlinghurst. Corner of West Street. Central location, close to all amenities yet quiet. $160 P/P P/W + $200 Bond. All bills + WIRELESS INTERNET included. Fully furnished rooms in share house. 7 rooms - 2, 3 or 4 person share. Laundry, Kitchen, lounge/TV room. For appointment to view call Louise between 9am-7pm on 0402 034 119.

MELBOURNE FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA

Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park.

Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

BBM-594 // ACCOMMODATION

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY

SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au CASA RADIANTE 373 - 375 Bulwara Road, Ultimo Sydney, NSW, 2007 Ph: 0412692824 or 0404 246 003 STRAND HOTEL 99 William St Darlinghurst, Sydney 2010 Ph: 02 93606910 www.strandhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au

PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au

Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

LIDO SUITES 2 Roslyn Street, Kings Cross, Sydney, 2011 Ph: 02 8354 0956 Toll Free: 1800 060 954 Fax: 02 9360 5670 kcsuites@leisureinnhotels.com www.leisureinnhotels.com Modern, boutique studio rooms located in the hub of Kings Cross’ non-stop energy and within easy reach of all Sydney’s best attractions.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com KANGA HOUSE BACKPACKERS 141 Victoria St, Kings Cross NSW 2011 FREECALL 1800 4 KANGA Ph: 9357 7897 Fax: 8354 0439 info@kangahouse.com.au www.kangahouse.com.au HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL

428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

THE ROYAL HOTEL

370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS

MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE

BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

HUNTER VALLEY

GOLDCOAST

HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

KATOOMBA

KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

JINDABYNE

SNOWY MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS Ph: 1800 333 468 7-8 Gippsland St. Jindabyne NSW 2627 Fax: 02 6456 1511 backpack@snowy.net.au www.snowybackpackers.com.au

BYRON BAY

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS

NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE

LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE

TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800 www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

CALOUNDRA

CALOUNDRA CITY BACKPACKERS 84 Omrah Avenue Caloundra, Sunshine Coast Queensland, Phone: 61 7 5499 7655 www.caloundracitybackpackers.com.au

MOOLOOLABA

MOOLOOLABA BACKPACKERS 75 Brisbane Rd Mooloolaba QLD (07) 5444 3399 www.mooloolababackpackers.com

MACKAY

GECKO’S REST 34 Sydney st Mackay QLD 4740 Ph: 07 49441230 www.geckorest.com.au info@geckorest.com.au

NOOSA

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

HERVEY BAY

NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

MISSION BEACH

ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

BBM-594 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

CAPE TRIBULATION

PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

WHITSUNDAYS

BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH

MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1105 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE

Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

RAINBOW BEACH

PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

DINGOS BACKPACKER RESORT 20 Spectrum Street, Rainbow Beach QLD 4581 FREECALL: 1800 103 823 www.dingosresort.com 3day/2night Selfguided camping Fraser Island Safari PLUS 2 nights at Dingos Resort $219 NO HIDDEN EXTRAS and FREE Pancake breakfast with every stay!!!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH

WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au

ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966

madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com ROYAL HOTEL 531 Wellington Street, Perth Western 6000 Ph: 08 9338 5100 wentpert@fc-hotels.com.au www.royalhotelperth.com.au YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA

TOWN SHOP Ross St Mall, Maidstone Cresent, Exmouth, Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060

MONKEY MIA

MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

BBM-594 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

KUNUNURRA

KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

BUNBURY

WANDER INN BACKPACKERS it happens...! 16 Clifton Street, Bunbury Western Australia 6230 FREE PHONE: 1800 039 032 Tel: +61 8 9721 3242 Fax: +61 8 9721 8669 wanderinn@westnet.com.au www.bunburybackpackers.com.au

VICTORIA MILDURA

RIVERBOAT BUNGALOW BACKPACKERS (Part of Working Hostels Mildura group) 27 Chaffey Ave Mildura, Victoria 3500 Tel: 0447 WORKER (0447 967 537) info@workinghostels.com.au www.workinghostels.com.au REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP

BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au

www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE

GLOBAL BACKPACKERS 238 Victoria St (cnr Elizabeth St) Nth Melbourne, Vic, 3051 (opposite Queen Vic Market)

Freecall: 1800 700 478 globalhostel@yahoo.com.au www.globalbackpackers.com.au Best kept secret in town - small, simple, centrally located. $20 dorms Decent accommodation cheap!

EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 MELBOURNE METRO YHA

78 Howard Street North Melbourne 3051 Phone: (+613) 9329 8599 Web: www.yha.com.au Email: melbmetro@yhavic.org.au NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com

Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com

$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

Australia

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au MELBOURNE OASIS YHA 76 Chapman St. North Melbourne VIC Ph: 03 9328 3595 oasis@yhavic.org.au http://www.yha.com.au

Inviting all British Balls enthusiasts to check out Melbourne’s completely BUNK FREE hostel. Guaranteeing a good nights sleep! Foxtel TV & free swimming pool pass. Beds start at $27.

HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au

ST. KILDA

OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms RITZ FOR BACKPACKERS 169b Fitzroy Street St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, 3182 Ph: 1800 670 364 info@ritzbackpackers.com www.ritzbackpackers.com HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au

Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere. Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply

JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

APOLLO BAY

APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN

CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 www.chillis.com.au ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au

HINDMARSH GROOVEY GROUP 10 Bacon St, Hindmarsh SA 5007 getaways@groovygrape.com.au Freecall: 1800 66 11 77 Ph: + 61 8 8440 1640 www.grooveygroup.com.au ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS

CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand TE PUKE

HAIRY BERRY BACKPACKER HOSTEL 2 No 1 Road, Te Puke NZ 0064 07 5738015 or 021 520539 www.hairyberrynz.com work@hairyberrynz.com “Bring this add for 100MB FREE internet on arrival & we garantee help to get seasonal work”

CHRISTCHURCH

CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN

BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new fl ashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakefi eld Stree Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off fi rst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off fi rst night if you mention this ad

GREYMOUTH

KATIKATI OUR LITTLE PARADISE 378 Whara Whara Road KatiKati Ph +64 7 5490978 ourlittleparadise@ihug.co.nz

KARI KARI PENINSULA NORTHLAND

DUKE BACKPACKERS 7 Guinness Street, Greymouth Ph: 03-7689470 dukenz@clear.net.nz www.duke.co.nz

THE RUSTY ANCHOR

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.fi jinadibayhotel.com TRAVELLERS BEACH RESORT 19 Wasawasa Road, Nadi Bay Beach Ph: 6723322 Fax: 6720026 travellersbeach@connect.com.fj www.travellersbeachresort. com.fj Skype: travellersbeach

NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacifi c Harbou P.O.Box 416 Pacifi c Habou Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

1 Tokerau Beach Rd Kari Kari Peninsula Northland 0800 78 78 92 info@rustyanchor.co.nz www.rustyanchor.co.nz

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfi ji.comwww beachcomberfi ji.com AQUARIUS PACIFIC HOTELS LIMITED 17 Wasawasa Road, Newtown, Wailoaloa, Nadi Ph: (679) 6726 000 Fax: (679) 6726 001 reservations@aquariusfi ji.co www.aquariusfi ji.co

THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fi jibeachouse.co www.fi jibeachouse.co SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfi ji.com Skype name: Smugglers Cove

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandfi ji com HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachfi ji.co

BBM-594 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

ADVENTURE SPORTS SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com

The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

SIMPLY SKYDIVE SYDNEY P.O. Box 5060 Elanora Heights NSW 2101 Sydney International Regatta Centre

Penrith Lakes NSW 2750 FreeCall 1800 SKYDIVE Ph: 02/92238444 Fax: 02/92315878 Info@simplyskydive.com.au www.simplyskydive.com.au

Awesome views of Sydney and the Blue Mountains!

SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au

Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au

Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

NEW ZEALAND

SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com

NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

SOUTH WEST ROCKS DIVE CENTRE 5/98 Gregory St, South West Rocks, NSW, 2431 Tel: 02 65 66 6474 info@southwestrocksdive.com.au www.southwestrocksdive.com.au

Experience Australia’s best ocean cave & shark dive. Catering for first timers to experienced divers

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. FISH ROCK DIVE CENTRE 134 Gregory St South West Rocks, NSW 2431 Ph: (02) 6566 6614 or 0414 381985 www.fishrock.com.au dive@fishrock.com.au World class diving, Gray Nurse Sharks, Caves, Whales...this is the real thing!

NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE

Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS

Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

FIJI

SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

YOUNG TRAVELLERS TOURS MELBOURNE Ph - 0488 002 212 www.yttours.com Fun original tours along the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island! One day tour from $90 OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au

JET BOATING

NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET

The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

ROLLERBLADING AUSTRALIA

The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.

ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022

RAFTING

GLACIER GUIDING

OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au

Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz

AUSTRALIA

Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au

HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA

BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au

KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA

NEW ZEALAND

SURFSHACK IS AN ACCREDITED SURF SCHOOL Lessons from $50 for 2 hours Lake Entrance Surf Shack 507 Esplanade Ph: 03 5155 4933 Mallacoota Surf Shack 41 Maurice Avenue Ph: 03 5158 0909 www.surfshack.com.au

JUNGLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS PO Box 117 Port Douglas, Queensland Ph: 07 4098 0043 info@junglesurfing.com.au www.junglesurfing.com.au

RIVER BOARDING NEW ZEALAND

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797 www.riverboarding.co.nz

SHARK EXPEDITIONS AUSTRALIA

SURFING

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, Adelaide, South Australia, 5070 Ph: (08) 8363 1788 www.rodneyfox.com.au

AUSTRALIA

BUNGY JUMPING

Take a breathtaking guided trip on the West Coast’s longest and less crowded glacier amidst fascinating ice formations with NZ’s most experienced glacier guiding company. Offering a full range of trips to suit all fitness levels.

SURF CAMP AUSTRALIA 235 CLARENCE ST, SYDNEY PH: (02) 9262 1757 www.surfcamp.com.au SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Chris@surfingaustralia.com http://www.surfingaustralia.com

Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience

MOJOSURF 2/9 Marvel Street Ph: 02 6639 5100 reservations@mojosurf.com http://mojosurf.com Living the dream… SANCTUARY SURFERS 201 Waymouth Street Adelaide South Australia 5000 Ph: 0403 134 478 luke.j.d@gmail.com www.sanctuary.net.au

AUSTRALIA

AJ HACKETT CAIRNS Mc Gregor Road Smithfield, QLD 4878 Ph: (07) 4057 7188 Free call: 1800 622 888 (Aus only) Cairns.reception@ajhackett.com www.cairns.ajhackett.com

KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA

KITE REPUBLIC Shop: 10-18 Jacka Blvd. St.Kilda Sea Baths Complex, St.Kilda 3182 Melbourne, VIC Ph:(03) 95370644 Mob: +61 418583233 info@kiterepublic.com.au www.kiterepublic.com.au

KITESURF 1770 / IKO CER TIFIED KITEBOARDING SCHOOL/CENTRE 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@kitesurf1770.com.au www.kitesurf1770.com.au

Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.

BBM-594 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

CRYSTAL BALLS

Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week

someone else’s food either. Even her boss was caught

There’s no way out, so you start to leak all over the floor. No it’s

pummeling her on her

Libra

varnished mahogany work

WHERE did it all go wrong?

desk.

You are living next to the beach

Capricorn

with a gorgeous girl and doing

YOU may think it’s a good idea

Cancer

your dream job. So smile you

to put a picture of you oiling

YOU’RE reading this hoping

miserable bastard, count your

your naked torso onto a seedy

for some sort of insightful

blessings.

website in the hope of riding

guidance, aren’t you?

not a dream.

some minging bored housewife. But did you ever think of

This is your problem – you are

reading a book? Playboy and

However, if these pictures were

Aries

a hesitant, indecisive wreck.

Razzle don’t count.

to fall into the wrong hands,

WHAT a night out! Dancing,

It shouldn’t take 15 minutes to

singing and chatting up lads for

decide which flavour of noodles

Doing nothing but vegging out

never have sex again, not to

free grog.

to buy, just take the plunge.

and watching pap like Grey’s

mention the fact that you could

Anatomy or any of the 101

never show your face at the work place or parents’ house.

your mates would ensure you

Oh it was a right laugh wasn’t

This week you’ll wake up and

search and rescue shows that

it… however, the joke is on

realise you are a big waste of

habitually pollute the Australian

you. Waking up in the morning

space who has never really

airwaves is making your pub

Aquarius

to hear stories of you climbing

been much use for anything.

conversation rather tiresome.

HAVE you ever wondered what

You didn’t need to come to

Scorpio

the point of it all is?

into bed with another random girl.

Australia to learn that, your

PLUTO is coming into close

I mean, sometimes life seems

You reassured her she’d be

mother used to tell you that

contact with Mars which

meaningless to the point where

safe as you took a good feel,

everyday back home.

means only one thing for you:

getting through the day seems

humping. And lots of it.

to be a chore.

thinking it was your boyfriend.

Leo Taurus

FIRST you were going to lose

Make sure you keep taking the

Well cheer up you miserable

COME hell or high water you

the weight before you arrived in

energy supplements because

twunt. There are people in the

will make sure you spoil the

Australia, then you were going

you’re going to be doing more

world starving, don’t you know.

party by telling everyone your

to lose the weight when you

shagging than the local tomcat.

pathetic jokes and claiming

arrived, now you are saying you

you were a fighter pilot – even

are comfortable in your weight.

YOUR hypochondriac whinging

STARS in the sky, stars in

is becoming tedious to friends,

You’re digging your grave with

the magazine. The universe is

family and the local GP.

a knife and fork.

nothing to you if you can’t find

though you only have one eye. Stop making comments about the size of your dick. Everyone

your way out of a own bedroom

Yes he is paid to make sick

to take a piss.

people better but why don’t you

knows you have a baldy half

Virgo

incher – your supposed mate

SMOKING a joint or two is a

took a picture of it when you

nice way to spend an evening

It seemed hilarious at the

guts and headache might be

were asleep.

(allegedly) but do you really

time heading for a few cheap

down to your prodigious intake

have to build bongs and pipes

schooners, but now you find

of Guinness and vindaloos.

Gemini

and other weird contraptions to

yourself staggering home

YOUR girlfriend is cheating

smoke the stuff.

and crawling into bed, sleep

Give the guy a break, some

walking a couple of hours later

people are really sick – like the

on you and everyone knows it

Pisces Sagittarius

stop to think that your dodgy

– because everyone has had a

Bad things are going to happen

and walking into the walls and

bloke you knocked out with the

go bashing the be’jesus out of

if you carry on. Getting the

wardrobe.

pungent aroma of one of your

her pretty derriere.

munchies isn’t an excuse to eat

farts.

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ASK CRYSTAL every waking thought. Help me

Haven’t you seen midget porn?

Should I listen to them or follow

conquer my hobbit horn. Please

Some of those tiny folk are hung

my heart?

Crystal, you’re my only hope.

like thoroughbred stallions.

Cathy, Gold Coast

“Gorgeous” Phil, Noosa I think you should forget your

Dear Cathy,

Dear Phil,

dwarf day-dreaming before you

FIRST things first: does he have

MY, my “Gorgeous” Phil

end up feeling inadequate again.

any heart problems?

dangerous and potentially

Dear Crystal,

If so, then snap this hunk up

destructive dwarf fetish.

I AM finding myself increasingly

as soon as possible. You can

attracted to the owner of the

get over most of his problems

company I work for.

through the use of pads that are

you have developed quite a

Dear Crystal, I WONDER if you can help. The other day this lovely curvaceous

What about just making do with

girl caught my eye on the street.

a short girl? I fear that the deep

I can’t stop thinking about her

rooted psychological cause of

It is the largest producer of

and the unspeakable acts I want

your dwarf-lust is that you are

whiteboard markers in Australia

Also, practical jokes like

her to perform on me.

insecure about the size of your

and I am scared that I’m only

creeping up behind him, slipping

own appendage.

attracted to his power.

something in his tea or vigorous

me – except that the girl was a

But don’t be fooled into thinking

The other problem is that, at the

midget.

that just because she’s a dwarf

age of 21, most of my friends

she’ll think your love muscle is all

think I should not be pursuing an

The sex may be a problem, but

the more impressive.

82-year-old man with consistent

I received an e-mail offering me

and often obvious incontinence

‘Viagra for only $10’ the other

problems.

day. I’m sure it is totally legit.

available at most chemists.

Nothing unusual about this for

The fantasy is invading my

neck massages will liven up any

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail editor@britishballs.com

relationship.

JOKES MY NEW Year’s resolution is to stop leaving things so late. Peter, Yorkshire

TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS

THE barman says: “We don’t serve time travellers in here”. A time traveller walks into a bar. John, Wollongong SOME of the lads in the pub were talking about wanking. One lad said that if you sit on your hand till it goes numb, it feels like someone else is wanking you off. So I went home that night and tried it. It didn’t work for me. It just felt like I was sitting on my hand. Rick, Darwin MEN think about sex every seven seconds. Which is why I eat hot dogs in under six seconds... so it doesn’t get weird. Jimbo, Townsville THE wife served me my dinner last night. I’ve been cleaning mashed potato out the racquet strings all morning. Jack, Chicago I TOLD my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised. Roger, Randwick 66

I WALKED into my living room the other day to find my son sitting in front of a roaring fire. It was worrying as we don’t have a fireplace. Sam, Surry Hills WENT dogging with the wife last night. By the time she parked the car everyone had fucked off. Timothy, Perth WHOEVER said laughter is the best medicine obviously never had broken ribs. Ted, Leeds I WAS sitting in my local pub, feeling glum because I haven’t had a shag for ages. The barman spotted me and said, “Cheer up mate, it might never happen!” C*nt. Dexy, Surry Hills WHAT do women and food processors have in common? They both make good food, but you wouldn’t want to stick your fingers in them when they’re on. Frank, Redfern

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE Manchester United2415903254 Arsenal2415452749 Manchester City2513751746 Chelsea2413562544 Tottenham Hotspur241185741 Sunderland259106237 Liverpool2510510235 Bolton Wanderers25 8 Blackburn Rovers259412-731 Newcastle United248610230 Stoke City249312-230 Fulham256118029 Blackpool248412-928 Aston Villa257711-1528 Everton245127-327 West Bromwich Albion247512-1426 Birmingham City234127-1024 West Ham United255911-1724 Wigan Athletic2541110-1923 Wolverhampton Wanderers246315-1821

LEAGUE 1

CHAMPIONSHIP

PlWDL+/-Pts

Tables accurate as of Friday, February 2nd, AEST.

PlWDL+/-Pts Queens Park Rangers29151133056 Norwich City2914961051 Swansea City2915591150 Nottingham Forest27131041549 Cardiff City2814681248 Leeds United2912107746 Watford2712781343 Reading28101261342 Millwall291199842 Leicester City2912611-442 Burnley2810108640 Barnsley2911711-540 Hull City299128-139 Doncaster Rovers2710710-437 Coventry City2910613-336 Derby County2810414-134 Ipswich Town2710413-534 Middlesbrough289613-333 Bristol City298813-1332 Portsmouth288713-731 Crystal Palace297715-2128 Sheffi eld United287615-182 Scunthorpe United267316-2024 Preston North End275616-2021

LEAGUE 2

PlWDL+/-Pts Brighton and Hove Albion2614842550 AFC Bournemouth2814772149 Huddersfi eld Town271449124 Southampton2613582244 Oldham Athletic2711106643 Milton Keynes Dons FC2813411-243 Peterborough United2613310542 Charlton Athletic251186741 Colchester United269116-138 Rochdale269107537 Carlisle United25 9 8 8 Sheffi eld Wednesday261051163 Exeter City279810-735 Hartlepool United269710-1234 Leyton Orient25 8 9 8 Plymouth Argyle299614-1133 Yeovil Town279612-1133 Notts County259511032 Brentford279513-732 Tranmere Rovers268711-831 Swindon Town287912-830 Bristol Rovers276912-2227 Dagenham & Redbridge256613-1224 Walsall286616-1824

PlWDL+/-Pts Chesterfi eld271593235 Wycombe Wanderers2614751049 Rotherham United2712871444 Bury2612771543 Port Vale271278743 Shrewsbury Town2811981242 Crewe Alexandra2711881441 Gillingham281189441 Southend United2711610539 Oxford United2811611039 Cheltenham Town2810810-138 Stevenage Football Club258107934 Northampton Town269710-334 Torquay United25 8 9 8 Accrington Stanley257117-232 Aldershot Town268810-732 Morecambe268711-531 Lincoln City259412-1131 Bradford City289415-1131 Hereford United257711-1128 Macclesfi eld Town257612-132 Burton Albion22 6 7 9 Barnet286715-1825 Stockport County2951014-3525

EUROPEAN LEAGUES

FOCUS ON... AUSTRALIA PlWDL+/-Pts

IT’S the business end of the A-League. Or in other words, the season’s almost over. Thank fuck for that.

Brisbane Roar28161112759 Central Coast Mariners2714851650 Adelaide United2814591547 Gold Coast United27111061343 Melbourne Victory2911108743 Wellington Phoenix2710512−335 Melbourne Heart288911−1033 Newcastle Jets278712−731 Sydney FC277812−729 Perth Glory285815−2223 North Queensland Fury284717−2919

But this is the A-League, and while almost every other professional league in the world hands the big prize to the team that finishes top of the ladder, they’ve gone all American in Oz. Hence, the top six all qualify for the finals, which culminate in a Grand Final where the winner of that match then gets the big prize.

season might get fucked over. This year, that team is Brisbane, but pretty much everyone from the Newcastle Jets upward still has a chance of winning ‘the big one’ with a few games to go. Go figure.

While the Australians reckon this makes things more exciting, to BBM it just means the best team of the

SERIE A AC Milan2314632148 Napoli2313461443 Lazio231256841 AS Roma221165739 Internazionale2111551238 Palermo231148937 Udinese231148737 Juventus23 Cagliari23 Chievo23 Fiorentina22 Sampdoria22 Genoa22 Bologna22 Parma236710-725 Lecce236611-1724 Catania235810-1123 Cesena235612-1221 Brescia235414-1319 Bari223514-2014

SCOTTISH PREMIER PlWDL+/-Pts Celtic2418423958 Rangers2217232753 Heart of Midlothian2415361648 Kilmarnock2410681136 Inverness Caledonian Thistle24 7 8 9 Dundee United20 7 8 5 St. Johnstone238510-1029 Motherwell238411-128 Aberdeen237214-1923 Hibernian245415-1919 St. Mirren234613-2018 Hamilton Academical222812-2514

1 0

2 2

LA LIGA

PlWDL+/-Pts

9 9

BBM-594 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

9 9 7 7 6 7 7

8 5 9 7 9 6 8

PlWDL+/-Pts

6 9 7 8 7 9 7

8 4 3 -

3 3 3 1 3 3 6

5 2 0 2 2 2 2

FC Barcelona2119115658 Real Madrid2116323051 Villarreal CF2114342045 Valencia CF2112541041 RCD Espanyol211218137 Athletic Bilbao211128335 Atlético Madrid21 Sevilla FC21 Real Sociedad219111-128 Getafe CF218310-527 8 RCD Mallorca218310-627 7 Sporting Gijón21 7 Hércules CF216411-1222 6 Deportivo La Coruña21 Real Zaragoza21 Osasuna215610-821 Racing Santander215610-1421 Levante UD215313-1218 UD Almería213810-1617 Málaga CF215214-1917

9 9

3 3

9 9

5 -

3 2

0 3

579-1222 579-1322

FOOTBALL RESULTS Wednesday, 2 February Barclays Premier League Birmingham 2-2 Man City Blackburn 0-1 Tottenham Blackpool 1-3 West Ham Bolton 1-0 Wolverhampton Fulham 1-0 Newcastle Liverpool 2-0 Stoke Npower League One Bristol Rovers 1-2 MK Dons Notts County 1-1 Walsall Clydesdale Bank Premier Hibernian 2-0 St Mirren Motherwell 0-1 Kilmarnock Rangers 1-0 Hearts ---------------------------------------------------------Tuesday, 1 February Barclays Premier League Arsenal 2-1 Everton Man Utd 3-1 Aston Villa Sunderland 2-4 Chelsea West Brom 2-2 Wigan Npower Championship Barnsley 2-0 Preston Bristol City 0-2 Swansea Cardiff 2-2 Reading Coventry 1-2 Nott’m Forest Derby 1-2 Ipswich Doncaster 1-0 Burnley Hull 2-2 Leeds Middlesbrough 2-0 Scunthorpe Norwich 2-1 Millwall QPR 2-0 Portsmouth Sheff Utd 0-1 Leicester Watford 1-1 Crystal Palace Npower League One Bournemouth 3-2 Swindon Charlton 1-0 Colchester Dag & Red 4-1 Brentford Exeter 1-2 Southampton Huddersfi eld 2-0 Carlisl Leyton Orient 0-0 Brighton Oldham 4-0 Hartlepool Peterborough 5-3 Sheff Wed Tranmere 1-1 Rochdale Yeovil 1-0 Plymouth Npower League Two Accrington Stanley 1-1 Morecambe Bradford 1-2 Lincoln City Macclesfi eld 2-4 Bur Northampton 6-2 Crewe Port Vale 1-0 Rotherham Shrewsbury 3-0 Burton Albion Southend 2-1 Oxford Utd Stevenage 2-2 Gillingham Stockport 1-1 Chesterfi el Torquay 1-3 Hereford Wycombe 2-1 Cheltenham Clydesdale Bank Premier League Aberdeen 0-3 Celtic St Johnstone 2-0 Hamilton Blue Square Premier Eastbourne Boro 0-3 Gateshead Histon 1-0 Fleetwood Town Luton 4-0 Darlington Rushden & D’mnds 2-1 Cambridge Utd Southport 2-2 Grimsby Wrexham 2-1 Altrincham York 4-1 AFC Wimbledon Scottish Championship Second Division Airdrie Utd 1-2 Dumbarton Forfar 0-0 East Fife Livingston 2-0 Brechin Scottish Championship Third Division Annan Athletic 1-2 Queen’s Park Blue Square North Vauxhall Motors 0-1 Droylsden Workington 0-1 AFC Telford Blue Square South Basingstoke 4-1 Staines Town Bromley 0-2 Dover Dartford 1-0 Braintree Town Dorchester 1-1 Chelmsford Hampton & Richmond 2-4 Ebbsfl eet Unite St Albans 0-1 Boreham Wood Woking 1-0 Thurrock ---------------------------------------------------Monday, 31 January Blue Square South Havant and W 2-1 Maidenhead Utd Carling Premiership Glenavon 0-2 Cliftonville ---------------------------------------------------------Sunday, 30 January The FA Cup Arsenal 2-1 Huddersfi el Fulham 4-0 Tottenham Notts County 1-1 Man City

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West Ham 3-2 Nott’m Forest Wolverhampton 0-1 Stoke Clydesdale Bank Premier League Dundee Utd 3-0 Hibernian Co-operative Insurance Cup Rangers 2-1 Motherwell ---------------------------------------------------------Saturday, 29 January The FA Cup Aston Villa 3-1 Blackburn Birmingham 3-2 Coventry Bolton 0-0 Wigan Burnley 3-1 Burton Albion Everton 1-1 Chelsea Sheff Wed 4-1 Hereford Southampton 1-2 Man Utd Stevenage 1-2 Reading Swansea 1-2 Leyton Orient Torquay 0-1 Crawley Town Watford 0-1 Brighton Npower Championship Crystal Palace 0-0 Norwich Hull 0-0 QPR Npower League One Brentford 1-2 Yeovil Carlisle 2-2 Oldham Plymouth 1-2 Bournemouth Swindon 0-0 Exeter Walsall 6-1 Bristol Rovers Npower League Two Barnet 0-2 Southend Chesterfi eld 2-2 Bradfor Gillingham 2-1 Aldershot Lincoln City 1-0 Port Vale Oxford Utd 1-1 Cheltenham Rotherham 4-0 Stockport Clydesdale Bank Premier League Hamilton 1-1 Kilmarnock Hearts 1-0 St Johnstone Blue Square Premier Bath City 4-0 Cambridge Utd Eastbourne Boro 2-3 Grimsby Fleetwood Town 2-0 Forest Green Hayes & Yeading 0-4 Kidderminster Histon 0-0 Newport County Mansfi eld 2-3 Wrexha Rushden & D’mnds 1-1 Tamworth Southport 4-0 York Scottish Championship First Division Morton 2-1 Ross County Partick Thistle 2-0 Dunfermline Raith Rovers 1-2 Falkirk Scottish Championship Second Division Ayr 4-3 Stenhousemuir Dumbarton 1-2 Brechin Livingston 4-3 East Fife Peterhead 4-1 Alloa Scottish Championship Third Division Albion 2-0 Elgin East Stirling 1-0 Berwick Montrose 3-1 Clyde Stranraer 3-4 Arbroath Co-operative Insurance Cup Aberdeen 1-4 Celtic Blue Square North Blyth Spartans 3-2 Stafford Rangers Corby 1-6 Eastwood Town Hinckley Utd 3-1 Gainsborough Nuneaton 1-1 Redditch Solihull Moors 2-2 Harrogate Town Vauxhall Motors 2-1 Gloucester Blue Square South Bishop’s Stortford 0-1 Dartford Boreham Wood 4-2 Maidenhead Utd Braintree Town 2-0 Woking Bromley 3-2 Weston-S-Mare Dorchester 3-3 Welling Dover 1-3 Ebbsfl eet Unite Farnborough 2-0 Havant and W Hampton & Richmond 2-2 Basingstoke Staines Town 2-1 Chelmsford St Albans 0-0 Lewes Thurrock 2-1 Eastleigh Scot-Ads Highland Football League Brora 0-0 Rothes Buckie Thistle 3-1 Nairn County Clachnacuddin 2-2 Keith Deveronvale 6-0 Strathspey Thistle Formartine Utd 2-3 Inverurie Locos Fort William 3-4 Forres Mechanics Turriff United 6-0 Lossiemouth Wick Academy 2-0 Fraserburgh Carling Premiership Crusaders 2-1 Donegal Celtic Dungannon Swifts 1-0 Coleraine Linfi eld 0-0 Ballymen Lisburn Distillery 0-2 Glentoran Portadown 2-1 Newry

FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS! CHECK out BBM’s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.premierleague.com for all the latest results and standings. Table below was up to date at time of going to press.

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(in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $400 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100

# TEAM MANAGER GW

TOT

1 alovelycupoftea James Horrocks 59

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2 Dizzying Heights FC Siva Iyer 66

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3 every week you dan magee 47

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4 Mukin Fagic Luke Gately 66

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5 Stop, Hammertime! Paul Steadman 56

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6 Alan’s Deep Bath jason kerley 63

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7 bobby dazzlerz tom mcelwain 51

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8 Evertonian John Armitage 49

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12 Your Ma’s Athletic brian o gorman 46 13 Red Incas Mark Stansfi eld 48 14 Tallulah Neil Weaver 50

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18 Insert Name Here Utd Richard Gadsby 57 19 cocksocks fc ally livingston 53 20 fi sty cuffs fc Marc Roche 41

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WORLD SPORT SUPER BOWL XLV

GREEN BAY PACKERS V PITTSBURGH STEELERS COVERAGE STARTS AT 9.30AM ON ONE-HD MONDAY (SYDNEY TIME) YEE-HAW! Yoo–Ess-A! Yoo–Ess–A! Go Wildcats! Yes BBM Towers has been infected by a severe case of American football fever this week, but after gun rampages in schools and being loud, just what do we know about America’s third

favourite past-time? Well very little as it happens. So with Super Bowl XLSpreadsheet just around the corner, we decided to give you a bit of background info on The Big Game with our three favourite moments from Super Bowl history. Go Wildcats!

3) LIVE AND LETT CRY

LEON LETT, SUPER BOWL XXVII With Dallas already en route to a 5217 Super Bowl rout of the Buffalo Bills, Cowboys defensive lineman Leon Lett snatched a fourth-quarter fumble and headed unchallenged on a long return and a certain TD ... that is, until Lett slowed down to celebrate (or gloat) a tad early. This gave hustling Buffalo WR Don Beebe time to catch up and loosen the ball from Lett’s big paw, turning a TD into a touchback and entertaining what was left of the audience.

UFC 126

Live from Mandalay Bay, Las Vegas Sunday, February 6 Pay-Per-View: Main Event Prelim Fights: Fuel TV

FIGHT CARD Anderson Silva vs. Vitor Belfort Anderson Silva is a dick. He ran around the Octagon for the f nal two rounds of his f ght against Demian Maia in April last year when he knew that he won, and almost lost his Middleweight title to Chael Sonnen - although there won’t be a rematch after Chael tested positive for drugs and pleaded guilty to money laundering. Anyway, Belfort is undefeated since 2006 and we’re hoping he keeps his run going.

Forrest Griffin vs. Rich Franklin Now this is going to be good. Franklin is coming off a great win over Chuck Liddell in June while Griff n hasn’t fought since 2009. Rich may be f ve years older than Forest, but he’s our pick.

2) A HEAD OF THE GAME

Ryan Bader vs. Jon Jones

DAVID TYREE, SUPER BOWL XLII

Ryan Bader uses the Imperial March from Star Wars as his theme music. If that isn’t enough reason for BBM to pick him to win, he also is undefeated and is coming off a win over UFC legend Antônio Rogério Nogueira and an impressive performance in Sydney last year.

Down 14-10 late against the Patriots, New York Giants QB Eli Manning looked certain to be sacked yet managed to fight off several Patriots grabbing chunks of his shirt to heave a hopeful long ball towards David Tyree, who was well-covered by safety Rodney Harrison. Tyree leapt high into the air with Harrison, caught the ball, wedged it one-handed against the top of his helmet and used his free hand to feebly fend off his opponent. Then, as the pair crashed back to earth, Harrison positioned an off-balance Tyree in a classic “spinebuster” style wrestling move across his knee and they collapsed in a heap. Amazingly, Tyree never let go of the ball. The Giants went on to win.

Jake Ellenberger vs. Carlos Rocha Carlos is undefeated in MMA, but has only fought once in the UFC - a win over Kris McCray in November. This is his f rst off cial f ght in America, against Ellenberger, a veteran coming off wins over John Howard and Mike Pyle. Sorry Carlos, the streak ends here buddy.

Miguel Torres vs. Antonio Banuelos The #6 Bantamweight f ghter in the world, Torres held the WEC Bantamweight Championship before the UFC merged with WEC. Now, he faces an equally matched opponent in Banuelos, who also fought in WEC for the duration of the company’s history. The championship experience will help Torres get over the line.

Donald Cerrone vs. Paul Kelly

1) JANET NIPS OUT

JANET JACKSON, SUPER BOWL XXXVIII Undoubtedly the most famous, and most public, wardrobe malfunction of all time. Even those of us unfamiliar with the American tradition that is the half-time show can remember Janet Jackson flashing one of her norks while on stage with Justin Trousersnake. Although it lasted less than a second, it was enough to force stricter broadcast regulations, leading to tighter restrictions on TV and radio and even a serious fine by the FCC levied against CBS (later rescinded).

Paul Kelly, clearly not impressed with performing in RSL’s across the country, has decided to enter the cage for an MMA f ght. Or we’re horribly mistaken. We think he’s got a good chance against Cerrone, who may have an impressive record but is a last minute replacement for the injured Sam Stout.

Chad Mendes vs. Michihiro Omigawa Mendes, another WEC f ghter, will make his debut inside the Octagon at this event. Mendes is also undefeated, but is f ghting an experienced Omigawa, who has fought in Japan, England and America and has won his last f ve f ghts. Omigawa has the edge here, but we’re picking Mendes. For fun.

Remember, UFC hits Sydney this month - visit bbmlive.com for our interviews with BJ Penn & Jon Fitch.

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WORLD SPORT STATE OF THE NATIONS RUGBY: The Six Nations is upon us once again. Hurrah! In fact, the first match kicked off last night – which makes it rather awkward for us to do a preview. Still, talking about things we’re not quite sure about is what BBM does best, so we can at least ignore the England and Wales game to talk about the rest of the matches this weekend. Last year’s runners-up Ireland face Italy in Rome tonight (Saturday). A cursory glance suggests Ireland should trash the perennial wooden-spooners, but it might not be quite that straightforward as the Irish have an injury list that would make Darren Anderton wince. As a result, Italy have a fighting chance (and fighting’s what they do best) to spring a shock in the competition’s opening round. Later on, Scotland take on reigning champions France in Paris. Another

cursory glance suggests France should piss all over the Scotch… and that’s pretty much what’s going to happen. Scotland are still only slightly better than Italy – although their hilarious beating of the Springboks in November should give them some much-needed confidence going into this clash. Of course the big elephant in the room for this year’s tournament is the fact it’s a World Cup year and despite what everyone’s saying, it’s clearly going to be a major distraction. “I think the World Cup will be pretty far back in [everyone’s] minds. It will certainly be pretty far back in mine,” lied Scotland’s Nathan Hines. “All we are worried about is the Six Nations campaign and getting off on the right foot.” Fixtures: England v Wales (Fri, Feb 4th); Italy v Ireland (Sat, Feb 5th); France v Scotland (Sat, Feb 5th).

ENGLAND’S

CUP VENUE RUNNETH OVER CRICKET: Clearly having not learned their lesson from the Commonwealth Games, India’s shambolic approach to major events continued last week with the decision to switch venues for one of England’s games at the World Cup due to health and safety concerns. The 27 February showdown with India was moved to Bangalore because the original venue, at Kolkata’s iconic Eden Gardens, isn’t going to be ready in time. Unsurprisingly, the Barmy Army are a bit pissed off. “People are absolutely fuming,” Paul Burnham, co-founder of the fans’ group, told the BBC. “They’d bought tickets, booked flights and accommodation and now it has been pulled last minute.”

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FOOTBALL

VIEWS

TIME TO SPLASH THE CASH THE BLUES have gone back to their old ways, and are buying their way to silverware. Finally, Roman Ambramovich opens his wallet and splashes out on Fernando Torres (right) at a bargain price of £50 million. Who’s looking cheap now Man City? Liverpool fans were going mental: “where is your loyalty Torres? You’ll never walk alone here”. Once Torres handed in his transfer papers, we at BBM suspected he might be doing a Tevez /Rooney – which will henceforth be known as a Roovez. But, no he chose to go for the big bucks and wear the colour blue, for the chance to win the Champions League trophy. Or any trophy for that matter. He does have winners’ medals with Spain, but we can disregard the World Cup since his

This weekend Chelsea face Liverpool again, talk about timing. How intense will that game be? Will Torres be able to score goals against men he was giving hugs to last week? However, the biggest shock of all was the ridiculous signing of Andy Carroll for £35million. No one had even heard of Carroll outside Newcastle until six months ago. For many it felt like a sign of desperation on Liverpool’s side. Spanish teammates got him that one. Ironically, one of the few wins Liverpool had this season was against Chelsea thanks largely to Torres giving, probably, his best performance this year. BBM thinks maybe it was always Torres plan to go to Chelsea, he was just waiting till his price went up.

However, BBM is not quite sure about that, we actually think Liverpool are using the scare factor here. Think about it, Luis Suarez and Andy Carroll up front. Whoever’s defending better pray they don’t lose their tempers because they’re clearly not afraid to use their hands or teeth to get what they want. - Lorna Evio

LOYALTY? IS THAT THE NEW ASTON MARTIN? IN MODERN football, it’s understandable that a talented player cannot play for the same team for the course of their entire career – especially if they didn’t begin their footballing odyssey at a massive club. It’s understandable that players want a new challenge from time to time, but how far does loyalty go in the modern game?

So why does a player who was no doubt making a decent living want to make the switch to Chelsea? It’s a rather simple reason – Torres was never going to win trophies at Anfield.

Gone are the days of your Trevor Brookings, Tony Adams and Paolo Maldinis.

He may have had money and the adoration of Scousers all over the world, but after he saw Liverpool struggle in the first half of the season, he no doubt jumped at the chance to play in a top-four club.

Today’s footballers are all about the money – take a look at Torres’ switch in the final hours of the transfer window.

In modern day football, it is almost a given to say that players will be mercenaries as they strive for plaudits, trophies and money.

When he signed for Liverpool in 2007, he said he supported the club as a boy and even wore a “You’ll Never Walk Alone” armband while playing for Atletico Madrid.

The only way to avoid this would be to impose something as radical as a salary cap, but that just isn’t the football we know and love.

Four years later - he hands in a transfer request to leave the club, fans burn his jersey in front of Anfield and he’s only a few hours away from strapping on the boots against his old teammates.

Football is following your team through the highs and the lows. The players are very rarely going to be loyal, so the fans sure as hell have to be. - Alen Delic

QUOTES OF THE WEEK “I had a good laugh this afternoon watching the interview from Newcastle. I thought it was one of the most amusing things I’d seen. How hard Newcastle had fought to keep him and pulled out all the stops and they had battled it all the way, even when he put in a transfer request. Every time these clubs sell a player they seem to have to get the player to put in a transfer request to make it look like they did not want to sell him.” Harry Redknapp reads between the lines. “I went to cinema at 4pm to watch The King’s Speech. When I came out and saw what happened, I nearly had a stutter too!” If Steve Bruce had decided to see Black Swan instead on transfer deadline day, do you think when he came out and saw what had happened, he’d nearly have embarked on a collision course with his own fragile psyche, embodied, refracted and ref ected in the f gure of a fellow manager whose sexual free-spiritedness sharply contrasts with his own reticent nature? “It can be a funny game and I could end up getting a cap.” DJ Campbell. It’s probably not that funny to be fair... “They were happy to see the back of me and I was happy to see the back of them.” There were no such tears when Curtis Davies swapped Villa Park for St Andrews. “Gotta say if Sky Sports News went pay per view on the last day of transfer window I’d pay and get my popcorn plus ice cream out all day!” Rio Ferdinand gives the Sky Sports big-wigs something to think about.

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FOOTBALL

FEATURE

THE ANDY CARROLL STORY... Until his £35 million transfer from Newcastle to Liverpool last week, few people knew much about Andy Carroll. So we here at BBM thought we’d get you up to speed with the youngster’s career to date… January 6th, 1989, is a special day at Gateshead Hospital. It is the day Newcastle legend Andy Carroll is born.

At Byker Grove High School, Andy didn’t care about lessons. He was determined to follow in the footsteps of his hero Alan Shearer and play up front for Newcastle.

Congratulations Mrs Carroll. You’ve given birth to a future England striker.

Wye aye. I divvint naa aboot you man but I canna be deein with all this maths bollocks. I wanna play in the Premya League!

Gan the Toon!

But some people were jealous of Andy’s talent and ambition, leading to several ugly off-field incidents such as his police caution for assaulting a woman, reports he glassed a man in the face and punching teammate Steven Taylor so hard he broke his jjaw.

But Andy persevered and after years of hard work, his childhood dream of playing for Newcastle United in the Premier League and being worshipped by the St James’ Park faithful finally came true.

Wye aye! Life can’t get any better than this, pet!

Sheera!

PJ’s gone blind!

But it turned out that scoring goals for his hometown club in the top-flight wasn’t Andy’s real childhood dream at all. Instead his actual, much more lucrative, childhood dream was to play for Liverpool under his proper idol Kenny Dalglish. And that second dream also came true this week when he became the most expensive British player ever following a £35million move to Merseyside. THE END

With BBM’s latest columnist, Andy Gray THE first question I asked Carlo Ancelotti after the £50m signing of Fernando Torres was about the British transfer record. “Did he smash it?” Course he did. You don’t leave a lovely little footballer like Torres running around without smashing it. Of course the other transfer slut was Andy Carroll. The dirty blonde switched from Newcastle to Liverpool faster than Karren Brady drops her knickers. Only joking Karren, just a bit of lads’ banter love, now be a good girl and go stick a cup of tea on eh?

Ooyah!

Mackem bastard!

TRANSFER WINDOW ROUND-UP

Sheera!

Wye aye... who the hell is this little goblin man? I canna unnerstan’ a word he’s fookin sayin’ like.

Liverpool’s other big signing was Ajax’s Luis Suarez for £22.7m. And there was no surprise to see the unpopular El Hadji Diouf shifted out of Blackburn to Rangers at the first opportunity either. I’ll tell him the same thing I told Sky reporter Georgie Thompson on her first day, no one likes a spitter love. Just a bit of banter darling, no harm done. Coming back from Rangers to the Premier League is Craig Beattie, who’s signed up with Blackpool. He’s joined at Bloomfield Road by Andy Reid who’s been signed from Sunderland (off camera – ooh sorry love I’ve just dropped my pen, can you pick it up for us?) Elsewhere, Stephen Ireland has (off-camera – did you see those pair of beauties Keysey? You don’t get many of them for the pound. Phwoar!) gone on loan to Newcastle from Aston Villa and Eider Gudjohnson’s also on a temporary switch from Stoke to Fulham.

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FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

NOT AS ANDY AS TORRES In the wake of everyone scratching their heads wondering what the fuck Liverpool are playing at spending £35m on a violent Geordie giant, Andy Carroll says he does not feel pressure to replace former Reds favourite Fernando Torres. “Torres was a great player but I need to concentrate on my own game and play the way I know I can,” said Carroll, while shitting himself. Rangers manager Walter Smith has defended new signing and all-round c*nt El Hadji Diouf after his side’s 1-0 win over Hearts. Rangers fans welcomed Diouf onto the pitch the same way a bunch of 10-year-olds might welcome a panto villain onto the stage for

the first time. “In Scotland, it’s not unexpected, the reaction you get. Better treatment than a serial killer, I suppose, but there you are,” blathered Smith. Big club hop-about Emmanuel Adebayor said he was delighted after making a goal scoring home debut in Real Madrid’s 2-0 Spanish Cup semi-final win over holders Sevilla. “It was a special game for me. I love this club and I’ve always dreamed of playing here,” he waffled. Patrice Evra is already planning who he’s going to take to see Black Swan on Orange Wednesday after being left out of France’s

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE!

The Brazilian team returned to Sao Paulo from Wednesday night’s 2-0 defeat by Deportes Tolima in Colombia in the second leg of their tie having drawn 0-0 at home last week. It is the f rst time a Brazilian team have failed to qualify from the preliminary round, while Tolima went through to the group phase. Unbelievable Jeff!” More pencil-moustached punditry and footballing facts next week folks!

Laurent Koscielny has turned down Patrice Evra’s invitation to see Black Swan on Wednesday because he doesn’t like scary films and he’s been called up to France’s squad to face Brazil. Andy Scott may go though. He likes ballet and is at a loose end after being sacked as Brentford manager. In the kind of u-turn most boy-racers would be proud to pull, Blackeye Rovers skipper Chris Samba has stopped moaning about life at Ewood Park and inked a new deal.

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with ace pundit Chris Kamara “PISSED-OFF Corinthians fans, disgusted by the team’s preliminary round exit in the Libertadores Cup, painted insulting slogans on the club’s walls mainly aimed at captain Ronaldo and threw stones at players’ cars last Thursday.

squad to face Brazil next week.

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SATURDAY FIXTURES Saturday 5th February Barclays Premier League Aston Villa v Fulham Everton v Blackpool Man City v West Brom Newcastle v Arsenal Stoke City v Sunderland Tottenham v Bolton Wigan Athletic v Blackburn Wolves v Man Utd npower Championship Burnley v Norwich C.Palace v Middlesbrough Ipswich v Sheff Utd Leeds Utd v Coventry Leicester v Barnsley Millwall v Doncaster Nottm Forest v Watford Portsmouth v Derby Preston NE v Bristol City Scunthorpe v Hull City npower League 1 Bournemouth v Leyton Orient Brentford v Plymouth Bristol Rovers v Brighton Carlisle Utd v Walsall Exeter City v Huddersfield Hartlepool v Colchester Oldham v Dag & Red Peterborough v Southampton Sheff Weds v MK Dons Swindon v Rochdale Tranmere v Notts County Yeovil v Charlton npower League 2 Bury v Burton Albion Chesterfield v Aldershot Gillingham v Oxford United Hereford v Lincoln City Macclesfield v Bradford Morecambe v Cheltenham Northampton v Barnet Rotherham v Crewe Southend v Shrewsbury Stevenage v Accrington Torquay v Stockport Wycombe v Port Vale The Scottish Cup Fifth Round Ayr United v St Mirren Buckie Thistle v Brechin City Hamilton Acd’ v Dundee Utd Inverness CT v Morton St Johnstone v Partick Stranraer v Motherwell

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FOOTBALL

FEATURE

TOO OLD TRAFFORD IT’S official. Rat-faced Scouse-baiter Gary Neville has finally retired after 19 years of professional whinging for Manchester United. Neville, 35, made 602 appearances for United since his debut in 1992 and won a total of 85 England caps. “I have been a Manchester United fan all my life and fulfilled every dream I’ve ever had,” he said while brushing cheese off his whiskers. “I am disappointed that my

playing days are at an end. However, it comes to us all and it’s knowing when that time is and for me that time is now.” But life won’t change that much for the man with the most hilariously-named dad in football. He’ll still get to

He is truly one of the greatest managers and I have to thank him for that.”

suck Alex Ferguson’s cock as long as he wants.

Sadly, we get the feeling Gary won’t be removed from our consciousness forever. He’s already being tipped to take over United’s reserves and for someone with such little talent to have achieved so much, we’d suggest he might actually do alright as a manager.

“There are so many people I want to thank and of course top of that list is Sir Alex Ferguson,” he swallowed.

Mind you, BBM thought Roy Keane would be a good manager as well and look at him, he’s shit!

“He has given me so many opportunities and countless support over the last 20 years.

PLAYERS WE WISH WOULD RETIRE… BECAUSE THEY’RE COCKS

JOEY BARTON

ROBBIE SAVAGE

NEWCASTLE

DERBY COUNTY

From his racist-murderer half-brother to his constant belittling of teammates (or just plain beating them up), there’s so much to loathe about homophobic Joey Barton. Did go up slightly in our estimation when he told Alan Shearer he was “a shit manager with shit tactics”.

OK Poogate was quite funny but otherwise Savage’s terminal lack of class (whether it be berating radio journalists or bragging about how many new cars he’s got) sums up a man so far up his own arsehole he can’t see that he actually has fuck all talent.

EL HADJI DIOUF STEPHEN IRELAND

RANGERS (ON-LOAN)

NEWCASTLE (ON LOAN)

They’re an affable bunch the Irish, it generally takes a lot to piss them off. But Stephen ‘so Irish they named him’ Ireland went to such extreme lengths to get out of international duty - lying about the death of his grandmother… twice – that the idiot has forever earned his home nation’s enmity. Cock.

ASHLEY COLE CHELSEA

Do we really need to explain this one? No. The man’s a cash-hungry, slapper-shagging cock. Nuff said.

Say what you like about the other blokes on this list (we have), there can be no doubting who’s top of the pile when it comes to being the domestic game’s biggest arsehole. Already known for his spitting fetish, Diouf plummeted to new depths last month when he taunted QPR’s Jamie Mackie as he rolled around the floor in agony with a broken leg. Pure scum.

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SPORT GUIDE

Contents PAGE 80 Football Top Five: Players we wish would retire PAGE 78 Football News: He’s not that Andy PAGE 76 Football Window: The Andy Carroll story

PAGE 74 Football View: With Lorna Evio & Alen Delic PAGE 72 World Sport: The Six Nations begins

PAGE 70 World Sport: The Super Bowl’s here!

PAGES 68 & 69 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables

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