BBM Issue 610 by bbmlive.com

CONTENTS ISSUE 610

The Cover

Review

BRANDED & PERRYLESS - 6 Russell Brand has become the best thing to come out of Japan since Teriyaki Chicken and Goregasm: The Legend of Dong-Slayer.

THE HANGOVER 2 - 14 How can you attempt to top one of the funniest comedys in recent memory? By reusing the script and changing the location, of course!

Regulars

Interview

Sport

POTBELLEEZ - 10 Don’t hold back now, as BBM catches up with the Potbelleez; as seen on the dancef oor and in Jeep commercials.

CHAMPIONSHIP CHARGE - 72 There’s one last chance to reach the Premier League promised land for Reading and Swansea. We look at the excitement of the Championship play-off f nal.

6 10 12 14 16 18 22 24 28 30 36 38 46 54 56 60 64 65 65 66 74

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GOSSIP INTERVIEWS WRAP REVIEWS SOAPS UK NEWS IRISH NEWS WORLD NEWS SYDNEY MELBOURNE PERTH QUEENSLAND FIJI FEATURE RECRUITMENT CLASSIFIEDS HOSTEL LISTINGS CRYSTAL BALLS ASK CRYSTAL JOKES SCOREBOARD SPORT

BBM MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon

john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Ben Harlum

ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby

richard.gadsby@what-media.com

UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir

hannah.shakir@what-media.com

CONTRIBUTORS Jeremy Williams, David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Alexandra McIntyre, Ashley Moore, David Drummond, Sian Gammie, Eleni Pitman, Robin Lewis, James Stapleton, Sinead O’ Shaughnessy, Des Penny and Renee Van Kraanen Photography INTERNS Alex McIntyre, Jeffrey Greiner, Pat McGuire, Amy Bloemendaal and Sian Gammie HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard

design@what-media.com

WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber

30 W: www.bbmlive.com E: info@what-media.com

PO Box 784, QVB, NSW 1230 P: (02) 8231 7700 F: (02) 9299 4966

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ADVERTISING AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Mary Atkin ADVERTISING Joe Smith

joe.smith@what-media.com

Donna Parry Alex Williams Dave Hudson ADVERTISING & PROMOTIONS MANAGER Tom Shakir tom.shakir@what-media.com

SALES AND MARKETING DIRECTOR Guchi Shakir PRINTED BY Spotpress

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GOSSIP CAUGHT RED BRANDED

THE EX FACTOR HARDCORE scarf enthusiast Brian McFadden has aired his laundry in public yet again.

AFTER the devastating tsunami, the terrifying threat of nuclear meltdown and the frequent Godzilla attacks, Japan f nally got some good news this week when they found a legal reason to keep Russell Brand (pictured) out of the country.

After learning of Delta Goodrem’s sick relationship with pre-schooler Nick Jonas, McFadden warned that if anyone was to ever hurt her “they’re dead.”

The pop-star shagging comedian, who has been struggling with a severe form of overkill for two years now, was told to piss off because of his criminal record – which surprisingly isn’t a reference to his performance as host at the MTV awards.

He then came out in support of the age inappropriate relationship saying, “It’s f ne. It was positive. She looks happy. If she’s happy, I don’t mind.”

“Planning escape from Japanese custody. It’s bloody hard to dig a tunnel with a chopstick,” tweeted Brand slightly racistly. “Stockholm syndrome kicking in. Just asked my guard out for (vegetarian) sushi. He giggled.” It is thought to be the f rst time Brand has made someone laugh since 2008.

BARMY ARNIE ARNOLD is slowly becoming an off ce favourite here at BBM. Not only has he ruined his marriage, his career and his reputation, he’s also smashed a box or two along the way. Former child actor Gigi Goyette has joined in on the Arnie-hate by claiming he was so rough in the sack that she had to go to hospital. Jailbait Gigi said she was left “hurt and embarrassed” after climbing aboard the Mr Universe train and missing her stop. Twice. For Arnie’s sake we’re hoping she was not a child actor at the time. But for our sake we’re hoping she was. “It’s good news,” said Gigi, “it’s not a tumor.”

PAPER-RAZZI IN order to quash rumours that she’s f nally gone completely mental, famous lady-boy Lady Gaga has eaten paper during an interview with David Letterman. The interview-come-publicity stunt got its Gaga on when Letterman asked about rumours that she once ate a Barbie’s head on stage. After admitting that she did it “all the time” she

then grabbed Letterman’s notes and ate them. The meat-wearing egg-enthusiast then explained that she “just really believe[s] that you can be reborn over and over and over again until you f nd that part of you that is the best you that you can be.”

McFadden is due to have his knob and balls reattached sometime next week.

THE other, less-famous members of Take That have f nally admitted that Robbie made the best decision of his life when he left the band for bigger and better things. As part of the band’s reunion tour Gary Barlow, Howard Donald, Mark Owen and Jason Orange have agreed to sing backups for Robbie while he performs his solo hits. Someone’s eating humble pie. A source said that “the guys agreeing to sing backing to Robbie’s classics throughout the shows really is signif cant - all the hard feelings have been put behind them.” “Snap!” said Robbie as the others jumped onto his coattails.

Her new single Born This Way. And Then This Way. And Then This Way is available now.

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GOSSIP DON’T HASSLE A HEALING HOFF WE’VE heard of celebrities claiming some pretty barmy things in our time but this one surely takes the cake. Ex-actor and former slow-motion running champion David Hasselhoff is claiming to have special celebrityinduced healing powers. The Hoff says he’s healed thousands of people over the years, “I did a tape for a kid saying, ‘Hey buddy, it’s Michael Knight, Michael Knight, come on, wake up, wake up, wake up’.”

BBM isn’t entirely convinced. We’re assuming the poor kid woke up just to turn the damn thing off.

American cops have found a headless corpse on a beach near his American home.

She refuses to watch Glee. Well, we at least gave it one season. However, unlike BBM, she doesn’t mind the constant screeching and retina-burning colours. She just disapproves of the jokes at her expense. “I don’t watch Glee, no,” Lohan (pictured) whined, “they have made a lot of snarky remarks about me.”

And apparently he did wake up.

PONCY prat and spokesperson for botox, Paul McCartney (pictured), has f nally made the news for something other than marrying young birds without a pre-nup.

SOUR-PUSS former actress Lindsay Lohan has f nally admitted that she has at least one thing in common with BBM.

Well, she certainly wouldn’t like to read BBM then.

No, seriously. The corpse is said to be the victim of a serial killer who’s kicking arse in the area.

“Yeah? Well we don’t watch her either. Except on CCTV footage,” said Jane Lynch as she planned a revenge hook-up with Sam Ronson.

While divers searched the area for the missing head, police listened to Wings records backwards in order to f nd clues.

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INTERVIEW WIM

Formed in 2007, WIM is a band that has em erged on the scene out of relative obscur ity. WIM’s debut, self-ti tled record has been a creative meeting of minds and BBM’S AM Y BLOEMENDAAL caught up with Simon Jankelson to explore further.

rk?’

ation for was that a big inspir Martin lived in Paris, ? WIM of rt sta the collaboration and is he wrote a few Par in but , sic mu ed Martin always lov ting music in Sydney outstanding. I was wri songs that were really We actually didn’t ng. doi s wa Martin and I heard about what of mine brought nd frie d thankfully a goo know each other, but started to talk we k er. So when he got bac me and Martin togeth h other’s stuff. eac ed lov we e aus about collaboration, bec nt the band t lane since the mome You’ve been in the fas nts you wanted to me mo n bee re the e hav was formed in 2007, your normal life? stop and get back to re so than e bit scary, for me mo littl a n bee it’s us of sic and mu I think for all for life ole putting aside my wh the others. The idea of

to wo thinking; ‘is this going waking up every day and e. edg the on It’s like living life

and underground in all sorts of venues You’ve been playing ember as being rem you t tha w cif c sho events, is there a spe l? very specia played in Brisbane ay night [14th May] we Def nitely! Last Saturd of this tour. The ht hlig hig the s wa t tha at Hi-Fi Bar and for me gs together that son g gin sin re kstage we we sound was great, bac show I had this the ing s attentive and dur we love, the crowd wa ole world, because wh the on e tak ld cou moment that felt like I I think that feeling I want to be doing and I’m doing exactly what ht. nig t tha ers mb was in all the band me WIM’s self-titled album

is available right now

INTERVIEW

The Potbelleez

suppose. We’ve traveled the world, and obviously we’ve grown as artists and musicians.

BBM’S JEFFREY GREINER caught up with Dave Goode from Australia’s premier house / electro group to discuss their blockbuster album, Destination Now, which is available now. What made you decide to come from Ireland to Sydney, was it strictly music-related? Yes, it was music. It was 2001 and I had heard that Australia was really starting to kick it with the dance music, so I decided to give it a go over here. Do you feel as a group you have evolved since your f rst E.P.? Oh, for sure. Absolutely, we’ve become way tighter. We’re closer,

You recently went on tour with Usher. Did this opportunity feel like a sort of landmark or stepping stone for your career? It was the f rst time we’ve got to do a stadium, so it was def nitely a big landmark. Because I suppose everyone wants to play in stadiums, you know, from a young kid, so it was def nitely a landmark and bit of a benchmark, giving us a taste for it. What’s the one song that goes off at a Potbelleez gig? I think it is Don’t Hold Back, everytime we play that we get a big roar from the crowd. It’s always a bit of a big one for us, we usually end the night on it and everyone has a sing song to it. It’s good to have quite a big hit in your repertoire that everybody knows.

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THE WRAP LITERALLY a ‘six-man sound machine’, The Magnets make all their music with their mouths alone, including the drums of vocal percussionist Andy Frost and the bass of Fraser Collins. Melbourne: June 15th at Red Bennies Sydney: June 19th at The Basement IT’S been a long time between drinks for Tom Vek but, f ve years after delivering his acclaimed debut, the man is back. Having spent a couple of years burrowed away in his South London studio, Leisure Seizure will be released on Friday June 10th.

AFTER a series of shows across Europe in late 2010, New York’s notorious live metal band Emmure will return for their f rst headline shows. Gold Coast: June 10th Brisbane: June 11th Sydney: June 12th Melbourne: June 18th

WEEKEND WEEKS IN TOTAL BOX EARNINGS RELEASE OFFICE

FILM

1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3

THOR

$15

PIRATES 4

$10

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS

SOURCE CODE

$.7

PIRATES 4

£12

FAST & FURIOUS 5

£.6

£17

THOR

£.5

£13

PIRATES 4

$90

BRIDESMAIDS

$21

$59

$145

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

$ IN MILLIONS HIGHEST WEEKS IN POSITION RELEASE

MUSIC

1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3

LAST WEEK

LMFAO

GIVE ME EVERYTHING

PITBULL

ROLLING IN THE DEEP

ADELE

PARTY ROCK ANTHEM

PITBULL

BRUNO MARS

THE LAZY SONG

PARTY ROCK ANTHEM

LMFAO

GIVE ME EVERYTHING

ADELE

KATY PERRY

PITBULL

ROLLING IN THE DEEP E.T.

GIVE ME EVERYTHING

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

INTERVIEW SURVIVOR: REDEMPTION ISLAND FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

‘CRAZY’ PHILLIP AND ‘BOSTON’ ROB Was the latest season of Survivor a crazy ploy to f nally award Boston Rob a million dollars after four attempts? Possibly. But it introduced us to crazy Phillip, who had a fondness for feathers and pink underwear. BBM’S BEN HARLUM woke up at an ungodly hour to speak to both on the phone. Rob, you faced a bitter jury in All-Stars, what did you take from that season? Rob: Back in All-Stars, the problem was I felt bad and I apologised to them when I should have told everyone to kiss my ass, I outplayed you. And I wasn’t going to make the same mistake this time, so I made no apologies and I just tried to present myself in a way that was humble. Phillip, are you telling me this whole crazy thing was an act? Phillip: A brilliant act! And I wouldn’t call it crazy, I’d call it annoying. I’m a former special agent and originally was going to play things cool, be a ‘smooth operator’ for lack of a better term. But when Rob arrived, I knew I had make him comfortable sitting next to me in the f nal three because I’d be too annoying to get votes. Rob, who do you think was the biggest

threat to you winning this season? Rob: Kristina was off looking for an idol the very f rst day, Francesca was plotting against me and Matty was a huge threat. He was physical, likeable and strategic, so sending him to Redemption Island straight away was important. Phillip, what was the deal with the pink underwear? Phillip: I thought they would make everyone underestimate me. And, of course, the camera would follow me around more if I wore them. Rob, what was it like having to handle Phillip all day, every day? Rob: Phillip was a constant challenge. In the beginning he was really an annoyance, but once we merged all of a sudden Phillip turned his antics on the other tribe. That was great, it was amusing, and we loved it because he’s aggravating the crap out of these guys, and it was like Comedy Central for us at that point. There’s more with Phil and Rob online, simply visit bbmlive.com/survivor.html

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REVIEWS THE HANGOVER: PART II CAST DIRECTOR RELEASED

I’m not kidding either; I’d love to see a side-by-side comparison of the two f lms as I’m sure the same general jokes are used at the exact same time in both.

Bradley Cooper Ed Helms Zach Galif anakis Todd Phillips

(The Hangover)

Now

In Cinemas (MA15+)

RATING WHEN Bradley Cooper says “we’ve done it again,” he’s not lying. When I say that this is The Hangover in Thailand, I’m not oversimplifying.

That’s not to say the f lm isn’t funny, because a couple of parts are just as hilarious as the f rst. It just isn’t as surprising anymore, which is fair enough for It’s as if some evil Thai dictator a sequel, but poor Justin Bartha decided to remake the f rst (Dough) doesn’t even get more f lm with the same cast, simply replacing the tiger with a monkey screentime, and he’s not stuck on and a missing tooth with a tattoo. a roof this time. And is it just me, or did Ken Jeong’s (Mr. Chow)

penis get dramatically smaller since the f rst f lm? Yes, folks, this is hard-hitting f lm journalism at its f nest. You’ll love The Hangover: Part 2 if you’re expecting more of the same but if you’re looking for something other than a carbon copy of the f rst, I’d suggest waiting a couple of weeks until the release of Bridesmaids, which is actually a fresh, surprising and genuinely funny f lm that I’ll be reviewing next week. Ben Harlum

RATING

JEBEDIAHBEASTIE BOYS ALBUM

Kosciuszko

RELEASED

RATING

In Stores & Digitally

FOLLOWING a break for solo projects, Jebediah’s f fth studio album will come as welcome news to loyal fans. Kosciuszko is a diversely energetic album which demonstrates the bands maturity and progression.

ALBUM

Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

Available Now

She’s Like a Comet, the bands second single, has a memorable melody, driving rhythms and effective use of vocal harmony. Yet still, the songs dynamic range emphasizes the hard hitting chorus. The f nal song, a ballad no less, Are We Okay is brilliant. Textural development combined with atmospheric production supports the lyrical theme throughout the song.

Kosciuszko is a fantastic album, the bands 90s inf uences are Jebadiah’s musical evolution is still evident, but more ref ned, highlighted through the recent and therefore still relevant. In external inf uences the band have combination with the band’s subconsciously absorbed. A strong musical growth, notably tight bass indie attraction is notable in High and drum performances throughout [Horse] where parallels to The the record add to the cohesive Stokes are evident. nature of the album. Elliott Blackler

RELEASED Available Now

RATING

In Stores & Digitally

explosion of scratches, guitars and samples. Four tracks in, they’ve even found room for another rapper (Nas - on Too Many Rappers)

FOUR years since their last studio release, the boys are back in town with a sequel to an album that never existed, but does, in this album. Got it? No, me neither. Like many of their contemporaries who have been around the block a few times, Beastie Boys know their sound, but unlike a lot of them, are not afraid to update and deviate. The f rst few tracks on the album are classic Beastie, overwhelming your ear-holes with three-way raps, clever/cheeky lyrics and an

Then things begin to take a turn for the modern. Starting with the stand-out Play No Game That I Can’t Win, a soulful, dub collaboration with Santigold, the rest of the album is the Beastie Boys as you’d imagined them as a 2011 band. As you reach the end of the album you’re struck by how original it sounds, while also sounding incredibly familiar. It’s a formidable effort, and while the lyrics are less politically charged and more fun, an enjoyable listen from beginning to end. Robin Lewis

COMPETITIONS FROM the heart of Cuba, to four sell-out seasons in London’s West End and playing to packed houses all over the world, the smash-hit Cuban dance spectacular Havana Rakatan f nally comes to Sydney. Taking over the Opera Theatre for a highenergy season in June, Havana Rakatan is a sexy feel-good show that unleashes a Cuban heatwave of live music from 7-piece band Turquino and Cuba’s hottest dancers, who embody the passion and party spirit of

TO ENTER, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM 14

the Caribbean’s most musical island. BBM is thrilled to give away a gold package to one lucky reader. The gold package includes: A Two-Course Dinner for Two Two Interval Drinks An Opera House Tour and Two tickets to see Havana Rakatan on opening night, June 8th. The prize is worth over $400!

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SOAPS CORONATION ST. AS Chesney and the Hoyles When John then returns to plan their escape, John plans the street to f nd the factory his and Fiz’s midnight f it. f oor being pulled up, he panics. Both go amiss - a tussle in the basement leaves Alan Needing to stay and deal f ghting for his life and the with the possibility of Colin’s hostages are abandoned by body turning up, he tells Fiz their captor in the hope that there’s been a change of plan. he’ll be long gone before their bodies are discovered.

EastEnders JACK has allowed Ronnie to stay over for another night while he sleeps on the sofa, but things are looking more positive for the pair as Jack says that he may not carry on sleeping there for much longer.

convinces Ronnie to come to the salon for some pampering and head to the shops for retail therapy beforehand.

Following an argument with Jack at the café, Rainie decides to cause some trouble by heading over to his When Roxy hears that the f at while Ronnie is there and couple have arranged a lunch asking for underwear that she date at the Argee Bhajee, she left when she stayed over.

Esther and Charlie try to second guess where their relationship is going, which leads Charlie to reveal his disappointment to Cass about Esther’s reluctance to commit. Charlie gets irritated when Cass and Bela attempt to cheer him up, while Zumo makes Esther realise how much she’s hurt Charlie’s feelings. TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

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HOLLYOAKS +

Emmerdale DEBBIE is fuming when Cameron admits that he punched Carl and she tells him to pack his bags. As Cameron tries to convince her that she can trust him, Debbie drops the bombshell and admits she’s pregnant.

NOAH’S disturbed when he wakes from an erotic dream about Brendan. At the training session, Brendan senses he’s slowly getting to Noah and continues his attempts to cause trouble. Meanwhile, Ruby’s crush on Pete grows. She tries hard to ignore the cruel jibes from

Ricky and Seth, but it’s clear it’s getting to her. At her tutoring session, Ruby is left embarrassed when her peers set up a nasty stunt.

Cameron insists he’s in love and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, so Debbie

f nally relents. Meanwhile, Nicola refuses to accept f owers from Jimmy which have been sent to work. At the same time, Kelly’s optimism is thwarted when Jimmy makes it clear that he’s only interested in spending time with Elliot.

Mr Grimshaw tries to comfort Ruby, but she freaks out and storms out of the class with a shocking admission for Pete.

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UK NEWS CAT ME IF YOU CAN IF WATCHING Siegfried and Roy has taught us anything, it’s that if you have a weird German-American accent, wear tight tiger-skin jackets and like prancing around onstage with your chest-hair exposed, then eventually you will get mauled by a white tiger. So when police in Southampton received numerous reports of a white tiger (right) in a remote f eld they moved quickly before it attempted to attack its natural prey of f amboyant magicians and closet homosexuals. After conf rming the sighting, police closed down a nearby golf course and sent in an armed unit to tackle the beast, complete with helicopter and specialist staff from Marwell Zoo. They stalked the animal cautiously, downwind to disguise their scent. Then a gust of wind knocked it over.

HATS OFF BEA THE weird alien creature that attached itself to Princess Beatrice’s head for the Royal Wedding has sold for £81,100 on eBay. The 22-year-old gingerspawn looked bloody ridiculous in the gravity-defying headgear leading to numerous “hilarious” pisstakes on the inter net. She put the horrible-looking thing up for sale last week with proceeds going to charity. “I’ve been amazed by the amount of attention the hat has attracted,” said the in-no-way attention seeking Beatrice.

“The tiger then rolled over in the down draft and it was at that point it became obvious it was a stuffed life-size toy,” said a police spokesperson. “This incident will def nitely be the highlight of our day. The CCTV footage convinced us all we were dealing with a real tiger.”

EAT THE PARENTS

THE LAUGHING COW

EVER wondered what Kate Middleton and Prince William got up to on their wedding night?

IN NEWS embraced by pun-lovers everywhere, standup comedian Milton Jones has performed on stage to a f eld full of cows. Come on Milton, pull the udder one… Talk about milking the joke… we think we’ve herd it before anyway (ed – any more puns and you’re f red).

Well according to University of Durham academic Dr Richard Sugg, it’s possible they dined on human flesh as part of a cannibalistic orgy of murder and blood. Interesting theory.

The stunt was part of a study/ naff marketing gimmick from a cheese company to test the reaction of a herd of fresians.

According to Sugg, well-off and well-educated Brits including ye olden days royals used to eat human flesh, blood and bones as medicine.

Jokes included: ‘So you cows say you’re vegetarians – but how come you all wear leather, eh?’ and ‘Went to one of those farmers markets the other day – bought a couple of farmers.’ Hilarious. Jones said: “Writing comedy for cows was very different to my day job but a comedian plays to his audience, so I wrote a raft of new material to really get under their hides.” Bruce Woodcock, cow expert (don’t laugh), was on hand to gauge the reaction. “They had their mouths open and their ears laid back, indicating they were relaxed and content,” said Woodcock. “Not everyone was entertained though – I def nitely heard some low heckling moos and there were even a few walk-outs.”

Charles II definitely ate peasant corpses for medicine while Queen Mary and William III were also said to be in on the act too. Is it possible that the Queen owes her longevity and good health to the fact that she cooked and ate her own mother a couple of years ago? There may be no evidence for it, but it’s almost certainly true.

Sounds strange. Wonder what their beef was? (ed – clear your desk).

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UK NEWS READY, STEADY, MOW LAWNMOWER racing is coming to Kent in June. The championship takes place from May until October each year and sees drivers earning points by racing lawnmowers. Let’s hope no one has hayfever. There are three categories in each race, the best we here at BBM believe is the classic lawnmower which just has a seat attached. The other is the lawnmower that already has wheels, the ones farmers use and the other looks like a buggy. For safety reasons all blades are removed which in truth makes it boring, what if you have a f eld where the grass needs cutting? Whatever will they come up with next... beats Brands Hatch.

CHAV SCOOTS IT

USUALLY a vehicle for humble bingo-loving pensioners, it seems the shopmobility scooter has become the chavmobile of choice for unruly teenagers.

after being caught joyriding one of the scooters in Wombwell while drunk. He was also given 40 hours’ community service by Barnsley magistrates.

South Yorkshire youngster Brett Mellor, 18, has been banned from driving for a year

“It seemed a good idea at the time,” said Brett, presumably while still drunk.

LONG-TIME WED AFTER getting engaged 28 years ago, retired couple Ivan Brown and Barbara Furlonger f nally got married this week. The procrastinating pair f rst met while working together in hospital in West London. And the reason they took so long to get hitched? Apparently Barbara is a bit of a perfectionist. “I like to organise things,” she said. “If I’d arranged a wedding when I was stressed and busy with work, things would have gone wrong and I’d have got upset.” Suddenly the reason Ivan was happy to wait so long makes sense.

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IRISH NEWS GETTING HEAD OFF A SAINT GOT crabs? Bit itchy in the pants department? Few warts popped up where they shouldn’t be popping up? Well worry no more, because we’ve got just the thing to clear up that nasty rash in your nether regions before your missus f nds out. It’s the decapitated head of St Vitalis of Assisi, the patron saint of genital diseases, which is to be sold at an auction in Co Meath this weekend. Saint Vitalis, an Italian hermit and monk who died in 1370, became a saint despite an early life of shagging fair maidens and comely wenches. How what is believed to be the saint’s decapitated head came to Ireland is unclear – although considering what he’s saint of, we’re looking at Colin Farrell for answers.

BUMP ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL TREACHEROUS, dangerous, shit. All words used to describe the state of the roads in Ireland. Consisting of ninety degree bends, pot-holes so deep that Morlocks call them home and exhibiting more wear and tear than Paris Hilton’s vagina, it’s no wonder 212 deaths occurred in 2010.

IRELAND PEAKS THEY say that no matter where you are, you’re never more than 10 metes away from an Irish person. It’s either Irish people or spiders, we’re always mixing them up. And as if to prove that it’s not just Bondi Junction where the Irish cluster in their droves, two Irish blokes broke records while climbing Mount Everest last weekend. At the age of 27, Mark Quinn from Rhebogue, Co Limerick, became the youngest bloke from the Republic to reach the summit of the world’s highest mountain. Hurrah! On the same weekend, on a separate trek, 41-year-old John Delaney from Kilcock, Co Kildare became the f rst Irishman to die on Everest when he lost consciousness and collapsed on the f nal leg. Well done lads!

The immensity of this threat to the Irish people has f nally been revealed when the world’s most powerful man fell prey to their weaknesses. During Obama’s visit to Ireland, the secret service were caught off guard by a bump in the road. As they left the US embassy in the Phoenix park, one of the president’s limos, nicknamed ‘The Beast’ due to it being bullet, bomb and Dick Cheney proof, was forced to a halt and needed to be abandoned as it got stuck on a small incline. Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson had this to say about the incident, “This wouldn’t have happened in Germany”. We agree Jeremy.

LEINSTER IN RAPTURES NEWSFLASH: It’s been revealed why God Almighty didn’t destroy the world as promised last week. Apparently he was too busy helping Leinster turn around their Heineken Cup f nal game against Northampton Saints. Leinster trailed 22-6 to Northampton at half-time but turned it on in the second half to run out 33-22 winners. Leinster face arch rivals the Munsters in the Magners League f nal tonight (Saturday).

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DORKS THIS WAY INDESCRIBABLY irritating Eurovision failures Jedward are planning to ruin everyone’s lives. One song at a time. Apparently the pair are currently in talks with Aerosmith legend Steve Tyler about getting together to make a new version of Walk This Way. Someone who knows their next-door neighbour claims that, “Jedward never thought someone like Steve would join forces with them and on such a massive song. But it looks likely to happen. The excitement has sent them into a spin.” Jedward excited? Oh sweet Jesus make it stop. Here’s to hoping Steve opens his mouth and they both fall in.

WORLD NEWS BBM CHEWS THE FAT A NEW entry from the f le of â&#x20AC;&#x153;excuses for being fat,â&#x20AC;? suggests that you can now blame your friends. Well, the fat ones at least.

friends are obese. BBM would hardly call this breaking news. Everyone knows thin people donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like hanging around fatties.

Academic Brian Wansink has published an article suggesting that â&#x20AC;&#x153;obesity spreads socially because [friends] share environments and carry out activities together that may contribute to weight gain.â&#x20AC;?

MAKING THE HARD CHOICE MEN across the world will have to make some tough decisions this week. In addition to â&#x20AC;&#x153;which hand tonight,â&#x20AC;? men are now being forced to make a choice between making her squeal and hearing her squeal. Horny researchers in the UK have discovered Viagra may cause deafness.

The f ndings come from a study which shows that women are 2.4 times more likely to be obese if their friends are obese and 3.6 times more likely if their closest

To be fair, the deaf have been coping for years, thanks to sign language... (pictured)

BBM is always looking for new ways to avoid drink-driving f nes. Sometimes â&#x20AC;&#x153;I was licking the KFC refresher towelsâ&#x20AC;? just doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t cut it.

extreme obsessive compulsive disorder as you would need to use it every f ve minutes for around ten hours over three days.

A study by researchers from the University of Florida has found that frequent use of hand sanitizers can result in a positive test for alcohol consumption.

Not even the nurses at the sexual health clinic are that clean. BBM knows from experience, theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re all super dirty.

The study surveyed drug watchdogs in the U.S. and across the globe and discovered 47 cases of sudden hearing loss linked to anti-impotence drugs. A further 200 cases were linked to â&#x20AC;&#x153;I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s faking it anymore,â&#x20AC;? and â&#x20AC;&#x153;I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t pay you to scream in my ear.â&#x20AC;?

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WORLD NEWS FOETAL POSITION

IN news that we’re ashamed to say has come from Australia, a toddler is suing Virgin Airlines for damages.

Seriously, turn off the American sitcoms and switch Home & Away back on. Dramatic mother Renee Cherry has launched legal action in the Supreme Court on behalf of her two-year-old son seeking compensation.

injury, developmental delay, and anxiety. What does a baby have to be anxious about? It’s good practice for when the kid ends up eating a dodgy virgin in a later life. Ungrateful kid. If BBM had someone to cuddle us all day, stuff tits in our mouth and wipe our arse we’d be happier than Bindi Irwin on speed.

The Cruisin’ Motion Soother was devised by U.S. experts because apparently rocking a baby or rubbing some booze in its mouth is just too much trouble these days.

“If only we’d had this a few years ago Madeline might still be with us today. Just kidding!”

The roll was infected with listeriosis and her unborn child suffered gastro-intestinal

PACKED TO THE RAFTERS the couple to stand in a tiny swimming pool while wearing life-jackets and handing out water safety brochures at a community festival.

We do enough of that on our own already. A northeast Ohio couple recently faced court after rafting on a f ood-swollen river without life preservers and lying about it afterward.

Due to popular demand, Fisher-Price has released a baby chair that mimics the movements of a car journey. So now parents won’t have to take their sprogs for a drive to get them to fall asleep.

“Getting a baby to sleep can be very frustrating,” said one career Mum.

According to the courts, Cherry seeks damages after eating a chicken roll (pictured) while pregnant onboard a Virgin f ight.

THERE’S a few things BBM would rather do than go to jail. But public humiliation isn’t one of them.

AT the risk of losing some of our readers... here’s a story about a baby seat.

Here’s to hoping they’re made to wear f oaties and f ippers as well, and that the judge can make that decision in regards to every court case from now until forever.

BBM has tried everything from “the dog ate it,” to “it goes against my religion,” but when we were young “Mum said I didn’t have to,” just wasn’t an option. And that was just to get out of sleeping with an ugly bird, let alone doing homework. One US parent is attempting to organise a ban on homework. After emailing around the other parents and riling up the troops, she now has a fully-f edged protest on her hands. Education expert Sy Fliegel said not having homework is not the answer.

Instead of jail time, the judge sentenced

He doesn’t know the answer. But if we all come back to him next week with f ve ideas we can all work on it together.

TAKE ME TO THE RIVER AS shocked as we were that the world didn’t end last week, we have to admit to being distinctly less shocked that an American teenager had done something incredibly stupid that resulted in death. So excited were this group of teenagers when the world didn’t end that they celebrated by jumping off a bridge and into a rapidly running river. One of them couldn’t swim. They haven’t actually found the body but BBM assumes it’s not good news.

Geez. Whatever happened celebrating in safe way? You know, like drink-driving or Russian roulette.

AS if they’re now admitting their sheepshagging inf delity, New Zealand casino workers have been forced to wear f ea collars to work in a bid to ward off f eas. With that mystery solved, BBM just needs to f nd out why Sydney Lord Mayor Clover Moore has a fetish for dog-collars. According to Union bosses, casino staff had been complaining about infestations “for years” and that although the business had been undertaking a cleaning process, “it doesn’t seem to be working”.

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SYDNEY WHAT’S ON

THE No Laughing Matter Comedy Gala will bring together some of Australia’s most recognised comedic names to raise awareness for suicide prevention. In support of Suicide Prevention Australia, this is a rare opportunity to see such a great array of performers come together performing locally in Sydney for a great cause. The event will feature: Josh Thomas, a regular favourite on Talkin’ ‘bout Your Generation. Dan Ilic, best known for his work on The Ronnie Johns Half Hour. Dave O’Neil, a regular on Spicks and Specks. Corrine Grant from Rove Live and The Glasshouse. Tom Ballard, co-host of Triple J Breakfast Tommy Little, already been labeled “The Future Of Funny.” Claire Hooper, Team Captain on Good News Week. Greg Fleet, one of Australia’s favourite comedians. Fiona O’Loughlin, the funniest working mother in Australia. and Mikey Robins, the other Team Captain from Good News Week When: Sunday, June 5th Where: Enmore Theatre Cost: $50

Two notable highlights include: Hobo with a Shotgun, where Rutger Hauer swaps his walking stick for a shotgun and points it in the direction of the nastiest crime family you’re ever likely to meet. Hanna, an espionage thriller that updates The Wizard of Oz via. The Bourne Identity, interlacing virtuoso action sequencing with the storytelling logic and visual aesthetics of fairytales. When: June 8th - 19th Where: Twelve venues across Sydney Cost: From $17 to $347 for a FlexiPass 30. BBM has two double passes to give away to the f rst f lm from Paddy Considine, Tyranosaur, which stars Peter Mullan. Flip back to page 14 for more details.

THE Tuned In Hip-Hop festival boasts an impressive lineup, featuring Koolism, Briggs, The Last Kinection, Blue Mountains product Tuka (Thundamentals) and emerging Redfern crew Stunna Set. When: Friday, June 5th Where: Oxford Arts Factory Cost: $10

LONG Live Bon Scott will feature Angry Anderson, Dave Gleeson, John Swan and Mark Gable, as well as original AC/DC bass player Mark Evans, who played bass on TNT, Dirty Deeds Done Dirty Cheap, Let There Be Rock and Powerage. Long Live Bon Scott will pay tribute to this legend of rock and are promising a night to remember. When: Saturday, June 4th Where: Enmore Theatre Cost:

CARGO LOUNGE has launched ‘Cargo Comedy,’ which will take place every Tuesday evening from Tuesday 31st May. The opening night will be hosted by Mikey Robins and feature crowd favourite comedians Steve Philp and Jackie Loeb making it an evening not to be missed! It’s sure to be a cracker and the perfect recipe for the cold winter chill. When: Tuesday Nights Where: Cargo Bar Cost: From $15

THE Sydney Film Festival is one of the longest running events of its kind in the world. Each year the festival brings the best new f lms from around the world to audiences in Sydney. As well as brand new features from over 40 countries, they screen short f lms, Australian f lms, documentaries and archive titles, many of which are recently restored.

MY Friend The Chocolate Cake has turned 21 and released a new album, Fiasco, to celebrate. Fiasco is a classic mix, with its distinctive brand of pop f lled with Australian characters, as well as a darker, more brooding clutch of songs, haunting and beautiful with elegant lyrics. When: Saturday, June 4th Where: The Basement Cost: $40

AUSSIE pop duo sensation Bachelor Girl are back. Tania Doko and James Roche have reunited for a very special show to promote their new album: Loved & Lost: The Best of Bachelor Girl. The album is the f rst best of collection from Bachelor Girl, and will bring together hits such as Permission To Shine, I’m Just A Girl, and Buses & Trains, together with four previously unreleased tracks. When: Friday, June 3rd Where: The Basement Cost: $40

SYDNEY miners of folk-rock Boy & Bear will be on the Australian road again this Autumn for their very own national tour. After spending recent months abroad, Boy & Bear look to bring their rich harmonies and inspiring live show back to the intimacy of their native land’s venues. When: June 2nd and 3rd Where: Metro Theatre Cost: $24 BBM-610 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

MELBOURNE NEWS PLEASE SIR, CAN I HAVE SOME WHORE? IF there’s one thing BBM learnt the hard way, it’s never trust a hooker. Lonely old 76-year-old git Michele Nesci got more than he bargained for when he started shagging Melbourne prozzie Wanita Knell (pictured) back in 2005. After daily requests for help from Wanita, Nesci took a reverse mortgage of $110,000 on his home in order to fund an exorbitant pity party for his bit of stuff. Unfortunately, but predictably, they’ve ended up in court after Wanita refused to pay back the cash. All we can say is we hope she was damn good in the sack. Take it from BBM, you can get around 110,000 wristies for that much if you know the right people.

STICK ‘EM UP, IT’S RAINING! THERE’S nothing like a gun-toting psychopath to get the cops’ balls pulsing. In a completely out-ofcharacter overreaction from Australian police, three divisional vans, two response unit vehicles and a police helicopter arrived at Melbourne’s biggest shopping centre in the city’s south-east. After scouring for a reported gunman, the pigs decided to let the man with the nice umbrella keep shopping. How embarrassing. Rhianna declined to comment.

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MELBOURNE WHAT’S ON

FOR the past 3 years, House De Frost has been a beacon in Melbournes weekly club calendar.

2 Many DJ’s

The brainchild of local melbourne clubbing cornerstone Andee Frost, The House De Frost is the only party in Melbourne that guaranteed to be a good time, everytime. The House De Frost’s Third Birthday When: June 4th Where: The Toff in Town

THE boys from Bliss N Eso are keeping very tight lipped about what can be expected on their upcoming tour, but they promise it’ll be a night to remember. Make sure to grab those tickets quick, Sydney and Brisbane are pretty much sold out while a second show has been added in Melbourne. When: June 3rd and 4th Where: Festival Hall Cost: $50

FANS of quality left-of-centre rock music will know Soulwax from their highly acclaimed album Much Against Everyone’s Advice, which made it into the British Top 40 and got rave responses in Japan and Australia. Under the guise of 2 Many DJ’s, they mix forty-f ve songs together in one hour of music. Some of the tracks are obvious classics, some are simply unknown and some will very soon become hot sought-after gems. When: Thursday, June 2nd Where: Prince Bandroom Cost: $50

THE HIStory This Is It tribute show is an opportunity for Michael Jackson fans to celebrate the music, the magic and all the history. This concert is the product of twenty-f ve years’ dedication from celebrated Las Vegas performer, Kenny Wizz, to championing MJ’s genius. When: June 3rd and 4th Where: The Palms at Crown Cost: $66

THE UK’S Elite Force is at the top of his game right now. He’s just returned from a few days at the ‘Burning Man Festival’ in Nevada which included a Saturday night headline slot to some 5,000 revelers at the largest camp, Opulent Temple. With a ramped-up DJ set being planned as we speak, the Re:Vamped tour is set to roll into Melbourne. When: June 3rd Where: Brown Alley Cost: $30

THE boys from Airbourne, hailing from country town Warrnambool, spent the last year rocking the world playing all sorts of big festivals in Europe and USA on the back of their 2010 release No Guts. No Glory. Now they’re back touring the homeland. When: June 3rd Where: Palace Theatre Cost: $34

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MELBOURNE FEDERATION SQUARE IN the hustle and bustle of Melbourne, next to the iconic Flinders St Station clocks, is what looks like a giant explosion of architecture, but within the walls of Federation Square there is a diverse and interesting range of culture, food and shopping that is unique in every way.

SEE

Visually overwhelming in itself, the square holds the National Gallery of Victoria, the famed ACMI (Australian Centre for the Moving Image) and a host of galleries showcasing more art than you could dream of. From the contemporary art at the Fracture Gallery to local industry showcases at the Community Gallery and the beauty of handmade sculpture in the Kirra Gallery, there is something for every art lover to get an eyeful of.

HEAR

The BMW Edge amphitheatre surrounded by a glass ‘skin’ is the main outside attraction of the square but inside it hosts recitals, plays, speakers and all sorts of concerts, and if you get bored by the show (unlikely) just stare out the window onto the river and daydream. For a more relaxed vibe try the Transit Cocktail Lounge for some Jazz and drinks late into the night. Finally, If it’s a souvenir you are after, or just some advice on where to visit, the Melbourne Visitors Centre will not only give you a free map and help you f nd accommodation but has a souvenir shop with all Australian made products to make your friends jealous.

There is also a constant stream of fashion launches, new exhibitions and big name events held in The Atrium, a beautifully built main thoroughfare of shops, cafes and art spaces to be entranced by.

TASTE

Melbourne is famous for its love of food and there is no spot so concentrated with f ne dining than Federation Square. For high end cuisine visit Taxi Dining Room for the ‘Wine List of the Year’ and a Japanese-Australian fusion food that the critics cannot criticize, or along and sample yum-cha by Chef Rui at Bokchoy Tang, fresh Italian at Il Pommodoro or spoil yourself with the tantalising share plates of roast duck and Black Angus steaks at Arintji. For a more casual experience you can try the Mediterranean pizzas, pastas and salads at Café Chinotto, experience the most gourmet hot dog of your life at Grandstand Hot dogs (seriously, they are amazing), grab some speciality ramen or donburi at the Chocolate Buddah, or grab a beer and a hamburger from The Grill.

SOCIALISE

If you like to mingle with the best, there are some fabulous drinking spots on this Yarra-side mini-metropolis with the Riverside Bar on Federation wharf giving you a breathtaking view. While you’re there, try their signature roast duck sausages. Sample the biggest beer menu in the southern hemisphere and enjoy the award winning architecture at the Transport Hotel, or tackle the creative cocktails at Feddish while sitting on the riverside terrace for a complete Melbourne experience.

BBM-610 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

PERTH WHAT’S ON

AUSSIES Trial Kennedy have released their long awaited second album, Living Undesigned. To celebrate, the band are taking their show on the road for a string of album tour dates around the country.

THE Perth Salsa Expo is a yearly event where all of Perth’s salsa schools showcase their best talent for one night only. This year will feature Latin Superstar Magic Juan live.

When: June 2nd and 3rd Where: Prince of Wales Hotel / Amplif er Bar Cost: $20.40

When: May 25th Where: Fly By Night Club

BRING the whole family! For lovers of good music, good humour and all things Irish, this is simply an evening not to be missed. It’s Finbar Furey and Brendan Grace, two of the Emerald Isle’s f nest together in an unforgettable double bill of Irish music and mirth. When: June 2nd Where: Octagon Theatre, Uni of WA Cost: $79.50

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB 1 Holdsworth Street, Fremantle

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ROSEMOUNT 459 Fitzgerald Street, North Perth

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THE NEWPORT HOTEL 2 South Terrace, Fremantle

MURPHY’S IRISH PUB 43 Mandurah Terrace, Perth

ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW 55 Lake Street, Northbridge

THE SHED 69/71 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge

HOTEL ROTTNEST 1 Bedford Avenue, Rottnest Island

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QUEENSLAND WHAT’S ON

The Dandy Warhols WITH a regular stream of releases following their 1997 smash The Dandy Warhols Come Down, The Dandy Warhols have continued to assert their status as one of the world’s most original and

entertaining bands. BBM caught up with the Dandy’s Peter Holmstrom, who promised an amazing gig - but only if you clapped and sung along. When: May 31st Where: The Tivoli Cost: $75

Joan as Police Woman

of mainstream audiences, this tour could easily be one of the richest and most satisfying musical highlights of the year.

SINGER, musician and songwriter Joan Wasser, a.k.a. Joan As Police Woman, is coming to Australian capital cities in June this year to headline a tour with her band.

These much anticipated shows come hot on the heels of her fourth solo album release – a collection called The Deep Field.

Flying only just under the radar

THE Townsville sextet The Middle East are releasing their debut album I Want That You Are Always Happy and will ensure your further happiness as they tour it in June. When: June 3rd Where: Tanks Arts Centre Cost: $20

CAM KNIGHT convincingly played a 70-something-yearold Jewish man in his high school’s production of Oliver and from there was hooked. His comedy shows are always a huge hit... When: June 2nd, 3rd, 4th Where: Sit Down Comedy Club

OFWGKTA are a 10deep collective who are challenging, dangerous, and probably the most signif cant thing to happen in hip-hop in a decade. When: June 5th Where: The Hi-Fi Cost: $50

When: June 4th Where: Globe Theatre Cost: $73

THE Delta Riggs wear their blues credentials and big-band pedigree on their sleeves. The group are as joyously gritty as any band today. Find out why this Thursday. When: June 2nd Where: Beetle Bar Cost: $13

THE inaugural Rock The Valley festival is about to hit the Step Inn with f fteen of the best live rock acts around sweating it out over the venue’s three rooms. When: June 4th Where: Tanks Arts Centre Cost: $45

THIS year Gilligan’s welcome back their biggest event of the year, The Annual Sinners Ball, and joins forces with The Attic Lounge Bar upstairs for one hell of a ride. When: June 11th Where: Gilligan’s and The Attic Lounge Bar

BBM-610 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

QUEENSLAND COOLY ROCKS ON JUNE is quickly approaching, and with it the Cooly Rocks On festival, your opportunity to dig that old leather jacket out of the closet and grease back that hair. From June 3rd to the 13th, the f rst ever Cooly Rocks On festival, formally Wintersun, will be held at the Gold Coast’s very own Coolangatta. Those in charge of the event promise it to have the “best-loved elements” of the Wintersun Festival, plus much more. For those who may have never heard of or attended the event, it is a ten-day ‘50s and ‘60s “nostalgia” festival held in the Gold Coast’s southernmost suburb, Coolangatta. To sum up the event, we’re talkin’ classic cars, live rock & roll, and quite likely a plethora of Elvis impersonators. If you fancy retro cars, this event is screaming your name. For many, this is the favored part of the festival with over 900 classic cars and hot rods taking over the streets of Coolangatta and Tweed Heads on Saturday the 11th and Sunday the 12th during the Show & Shine contest. Those attending the contest have the opportunity to chat with the respective owners of each car, and then cast their vote for which they believe should win the Show & Shine award. Think your rider blows away the competition? Be a part of this massive parade of cars by signing your vehicle up to take part in the contest! The only requirement is that your vintage car has a production date of December 1973 or sooner. While most things

among the festival are free of charge, registration for this event comes with a fee depending on which package you choose, with the cheapest being 60 dollars and the most expensive costing 349. Each package contains a few items, including t-shirts and sponsored goodie bags, along with entry into the event. Everyone knows fast cars and Rock & Roll go hand-in-hand. So what better to compliment this vintage car show than a ‘50s and ‘60s rock & roll era talent contest? Anything from dancing, singing, duos and bands are fair game for the event, as long as they meet the criterion of a ‘50’s and ‘60s theme. Though prizes are to be given to the winners, the content of the prizes remains unknown until the contest. Other free activities amongst this event include countless numbers of live bands playing your favorite ‘50s and ‘60s rock & roll, a surf competition, swing dance competitions, and a poodle parade. Yes, a poodle parade. Having said that, anything else you can think of that belongs in this era, will more than likely be there. So if you’re feeling a bit nostalgic, make it a point to visit the Gold Coast’s Cooly Rocks On festival, starting Friday June 3rd.

BBM-610 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

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QUEENSLAND THE REEF IMAGINE swimming face down in the ocean, staring through a pair of plastic goggles at what is a system of over 2,900 individual reefs, accompanied by 900 islands, stretching across a distance of more than 2,600 kilometres. This same structure, visible from outer space, is quite easily the world’s largest single structure built by living organisms—billions, at that—called coral polyps. I’m speaking of the Great Barrier Reef, of course. Located in the Coral Sea off the coast of Queensland, the reef boasts extravagant marine life including thirty species of whales and dolphins, six species of sea turtles, and 1,500 species of f sh. In 1981 the Great Barrier Reef was declared a World Heritage Site and is often considered a must on one’s bucket list. When it comes to underwater exploration, the reef comes second to none. Snorkeling and diving is at the top of any Queensland tourist’s to-do list. Whether you want to visit the inner reef or outer reef depends on what your plans consist of. If you wish to snorkel, the inner reef is your place. If diving is your intention, the outer reef is where you want to be. Planning on doing a dive course? You might consider doing so before heading up to the reef region. In doing so, you will be able to jump right into your diving, rather than wasting valuable time in Queensland training in classrooms and swimming pools. When it comes to exploring the reef, there’s an abundance of options. You can plan anywhere from 1 day trips to 7 day cruises. Quicksilver Connections offers a day trip aboard their 29 metre catamaran, with three different exclusive dive sites along the

Agincourt Ribbon Reef System for you to choose from. For the slightly cheaper tourist, Ocean Spirit Cruises offers a day trip to two of the reef’s f nest destinations, the Oyster Reef and the Upolu Reef. For those looking for a longer stay at sea, tours lasting up to seven days are available. These will be most appealing to those willing to spend more on their trip, as they can be quite pricey. Most extended tours include more than 8 opportunities to dive during the time on board. By sea isn’t the only way to witness the beauty of North Queensland. Aerial tours include exhilarating helicopter rides hovering over the Great Barrier Reef, hot air ballooning over beautiful Australian brush that is the Atherton Tablelands, or explore Australia’s tropical rainforests gliding along cables on the Skyrail Rainforest Cableway. It seems that Queensland has something to offer for almost anyone. If you’re looking for attractions and unique activities, don’t think twice about heading north to Queensland; there is plenty to experience that is unlike anything anywhere else.

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Townsville Airlie Beach

CLUB CROC HOSTEL

WINTER BREAKS SNOWY MOUNTAINS ONE typically doesn’t associate snow with a sandbox of a continent like Australia; where’s the warm weather, outback, beaches and ‘roos? When the weather f nally does drop a few degrees, anyone south enough to wear a jacket will go out of their way to venture north for holiday. Aussies and tourists alike will typically think to themselves, “Why suffer in the cold when I can prosper in warmth?” Perhaps this mentality is accompanied with a misconception that the regions receiving snow do not have much to offer in terms of entertainment. Note the word: misconception. This idea couldn’t be any more absurd; a lack of attractions common to Australian culture—beaches, surf ng, and yes, heat—doesn’t mean there isn’t fun to be had. This brings us to the Snowy Mountains, located in southern New South Wales. Boasting the highest mountain on the continent, Mount Kosciuszko, the Snowies are Australia’s highest mountain range, and are a unique part of Australia that not everyone can say they’ve had the opportunity to explore. If you are looking to ski or snowboard, Perisher is the spot for you. Formally known as Perisher Blue, Perisher acts as a ski resort through the winter months and is comprised of four different towns. Tickets will cost you $109 per day as an adult and $60 for children. If you are a f rst-time skier or snowboarder, or are feeling a bit conservative with your money, Selwyn Snowfelds is a cheaper alternative. The resort is known as a “learn-to-ski” resort and goes by the motto, “Friendly Family Fun.” One day on the mountain will only cost you a measly $66 as an adult and $38 for children. The Snowgoose Motel is a great option for travellers, costing as cheap as $50 per person for a room. Both options are great chances for you to experience what Australia has to offer in its unique southern region. So when the cold starts rolling in this winter season, why not try something new and spontaneous and head south for some fresh, Australian powder on the Snowy Mountains?

COACH SNOW TOUR SYDNEY/ACT WEEKEND

3 DAY MIDWEEK

6 DAY SNOW FIX

$239*

$299*

$569*

*$30 surcharge for July/August.

*$20 surcharge for July/August.

*$30 surcharge for July/August.

COACH AND SELF DRIVE PACKAGES TO THE AUSTRALIAN AND NEW ZEALAND SNOW FIELDS

NEW ZEALAND

$259*

*$10 surcharge for July/August.

AUSTRALIA + THREDBO + PERISHER

Includes - 2 nights accommodation at the SNOWY VALLEY RESORT Jindabyne or the River Inn Thredbo - Return transport - Shuttle up and down the mountain each day - National Park fees - 3-course dinner - 2 x Hot breakfasts - Party Night - Saturday is party night!

www.ozsnowadventures.com.au 44

SKI NZ QUEENSTOWN FROM

FROM

+ QUEENSTOWN + WANAKA + MT HUTT

FLY TO CANBERRA COACH TO SNOW

$675

Includes - 7 nights accomodation at Reavers - 5 day Xtreme Flexi Lift Pass or Queenstown Local Pass - Breakfast Daily - Group Dinner - Airport Pick Up - Nightly activities schedule

Call: 1300 989 955 BBM-610 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

how to get around

buses

minivans

THE bigger islands on Fiji have public buses available in most main areas. It is a cheap and fun way around big cities, you can wait at a bus stop or generally hail them down off the road.

YOU can hop in local minivans around Nadi. Do not expect them to abide by any weight limit laws, but they are quicker than buses and cheaper than taxis.

There are also coach services available for longer trips between cities which are not too expensive and do not generally require a pre-booking.

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rental cars IT is expensive to hire a car however if you are travelling around a main island with a few people it may be a good investment. Stick to trusted brands and always check the car over before taking it. You will also need an international license, a credit card or large cash deposit, and to be over 21. It is also advisable you are a conf dent driver.

hitch hiking IN Fiji, hitch-hiking is a common way for locals to get around. Expect to part with about the same as a bus fare at the end of the lift but if you are adventurous and not too shy feel free to stick out your thumb if you are stuck. Be careful around Suva and Nadi however, as there have been attacks on unwitting tourists in both areas.

taxis THE taxis do not run on meters, but are always easy to get seeing as there seem to be more taxis than tourists. Make sure you ask a local the most reasonable fare to where you are going, and ask if they are ‘return’ taxis, meaning they are on their way back to their base, because it is cheaper if they do not have to deviate from their route. Do not expect taxis to be new or nice cars and always expect a big chat with the taxi driver, especially if you bring up any political topics or anything to do with Fiji.

carriers

bikes

It is a hair raising experience but if you think travelling with a pack of chattering locals is fun, then give it a try. Just beware, it’s best to stay in the hotel once it starts raining; the roads are very crazy.

We recommend a tough guy mountain bike for anywhere inland.

THE locals also have their own small-trucks called ‘carriers’ which travel between Nadi and Suva. They are the cheapest way to get between the two cities.

BBM-610 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

IF you like exercise and all that jazz, and are willing to use your own legs to get about the place you can hire bikes for around $10 - $30 AUD a day. This is ideal for the Coral Coast, taking advantage of the picturesque roads as you wind your way down and take in the sea air.

THERE are two main airports on Viti Levu, Nadi and Suva, which are both international and domestic. There are also two on Vanua Levu, and small airports for light aircraft on Taveuni, Kadava, Ovalau, Mamanucas, Malololailai and Mana. You will be able to book f ights from the mainland for most of these. We recommend South Pacif c Sea Planes with their f ights covering a good range of f ight routes at very reasonable prices. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s worth it, as f ying over Fiji is one of the most breathtaking sights you will ever experience.

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MOST resorts have their own boats which will take you to and from the island they are on. There are also a few main ferry companies in the main towns of Viti Levu which will take you out to popular tourist islands and are relatively inexpensive. Catamaran transfers are also common ways to get to main islands and are pretty awesome because they go faster and everything that goes faster is better. Small local boats are usually the cheapest way to get between islands but make sure everything is safe before you set sail.

BBM-610 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ANOTHER way to consider getting around is a yacht tour or sailing adventure. There are many options available through tourism booking agencies and as long as you do not get seasick, this is actually a great way to see a larger selection of islands in a short amount of time. Check out Tourism Fiji for all of the know how on the best places to go and ways to get there then book your f ights and get out of Oz!

BBM-610 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

RECRUITMENT

Sales & Account Manager Wanted t ZFBST TBMFT FYQFSJFODF SFRVJSFE t .VTU CF BCMF UP EFBM XJUI UIF EFNBOET PG B XFFLMZ QVCMJDBUJPO BOE EBJMZ EFBEMJOFT t .VTU CF QSFTFOUBCMF BOE IBWF BO FYDFMMFOU QIPOF NBOOFS t *OUFSFTUT JO NVTJD USBWFM FOUFSUBJONFOU B NVTU t &YDFMMFOU PQQPSUVOJUZ UP KPJO B HSPXJOH QVCMJTIJOH IPVTF t (PPE #BTF 4VQFS 5BSHFUFE #POVT t 4QPOTPSTIJQ BWBJMBCMF GPS UIF SJHIU DBOEJEBUF t .VTU CF BWBJMBCMF GPS JNNFEJBUF TUBSU

EMAIL: GUCHI.SHAKIR@WHAT-MEDIA.COM

PHONE: 0410 470 100

BBM-610 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

:$17 72 ),1' $ -2%" Â&#x;OĂ?OÂ&#x;AĂ&#x192;cÂł Ă?Â&#x2013;lÂ&#x2013;OlĂ&#x192;Ă?Â&#x;yĂ?Ă?Â&#x2C6;lĂ? -" `Ă? Ă&#x2DC;Ă&#x2020;Ă?Ă&#x192;AÂ&#x2019;Â&#x2039;AÂ&#x203A;Ă? Â&#x;Â&#x203A;Ă?Ă&#x192;AYĂ?Ă?-Ă&#x192;Â&#x;ylĂ&#x2020;Ă&#x2020;Â&#x2039;Â&#x;Â&#x203A;AÂ&#x2019;Ă?"AÂ&#x203A;AÂ&#x20AC;lÂ&#x2013;lÂ&#x203A;Ă?Ă? Ă&#x2020;Ă&#x2020;Â&#x;YÂ&#x2039;AĂ?Â&#x2039;Â&#x;Â&#x203A;

To apply for these roles please e-mail your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Sydney Jobs

Apply to tc@freespirit.com.au

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MEDIA SALES CONSULTANT $22 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLES)

CLAIMS $22 PER HOUR (3 MONTH ROLES)

Our client is a newly established on-line media agency seeking a number of experienced outbound call consultants to join their small but busy North Sydney media team.

Leading Australian Insurance company requires reliable travelers for contract role;

You will possess; â&#x20AC;˘ Excellent communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ Highly motivated individual â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Friendly personality This is a great role calling an existing client base. Full training provided.

â&#x20AC;˘ Must have Insurance Claims experience, Home & Content preferred â&#x20AC;˘ Strong Microsoft Office and communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ CBD location â&#x20AC;˘ Young and friendly team, nice offices â&#x20AC;˘ $22 plus super â&#x20AC;˘ Start now for 3 months with a view to extend to 6 months

TELESALES CONSULTANTS $21 PER HOUR

ACCOUNTS PAYABLE/RECEIVABLE $24-$26 PER HOUR

Our Client is seeking experienced Telesales Consultantâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s with the following criteria:

Do you have accounts payable/receivable experience?? We have clients in the city seeking candidates for immediate start.

â&#x20AC;˘ Minimum of 6 months call centre experience â&#x20AC;˘ English fluency â&#x20AC;˘ Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity â&#x20AC;˘ Strong experience with an aggressive sales attitude â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Financial Services Background would be a Bonus

The ideal candidate will; â&#x20AC;˘ Thrive in a busy environment â&#x20AC;˘ High attention to detail â&#x20AC;˘ At least 2 years experience â&#x20AC;˘ Ability to prioritize workload Assignments are up to 6 months paying $24-$26 an hour. To apply for these roles please email your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Already have a job and want more money? Call 1300 freespirit to ask us about LAFHA.

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JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA THINK YOU’RE FUNNIER THAN US? BBM is looking for some new contributors. Want to get you work published in a National magazine and website whilst earning concert tickets, bar tabs, free travel trips, etc. Email ben.harlum@ whatmedia.com or call 02 8231 7706

MELBOURNE PROMOTIONAL STAFF. call centre work available to promote electricity and gas. simple work and great money. full time training provided - no experience needed. melbourne work only. call Jerry on 03 9867 6322

An MC is required to host an established Backpacker night at inner city pub in Melbourne. We need a BIG personality who is confi dent on the mic, organise games and get people into the party mood. Approx 6 hours per week. Send Resume to Adam Eddington at turf@turfbar.com.au Subject MC postion

SYDNEY TELEMARKETERS – SMILE WHILE YOU DIAL! Working Holidaymakers needed for our EASTERN SUBURBS OFFICE. Must be enthusiastic, confi dent, well spoken and able to follow instructions. No experience necessary - Full training given. Base + Commission + Bonus Paid Weekly. Call Steve Now on 1300 657 362

DATA ENTRY POSITIONS AVAILABLE NOW! Working Holiday Makers needed for our EASTERN SUBURBS OFFICE. Must be Enthusiastic, have a Good Typing Speed, and able to Follow Instructions. Full Training Given. Paid Weekly. Call Steve Now on 1300 657 362

DATA ENTRY OFFICER – TRAVELLERS WELCOME!! Our Client is seeking an experienced Data Entry Offi cer with the following criteria: Minimum of 1 year work experience. English fl uency. Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity. Not on Student Visa. If you believe you are the right candidate for this role please forward your resume through to mailto:tc@freespirit.com.au

INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT

is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: Warehousing, Labouring, Stores, Process Work, Green card and safety boots are an advantage – however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email sarah@ industriousrecruitment.com.au or contact Sarah @ (02) 9270 5257 Call Centre - Travellers Wanted! Our Client is seeking travellers with fantastic customer service and sale skills for a 6-8 temp assignment. Your role will be generating leads on behalf of a well established global client through warm and cold calling. Paying $22 Plus Super If you think you are right for the role then please send your detailed resume to tc@freespirit.com.au

BBM-610 // CLASSIFIEDS

ADULT EMPLOYMENT

KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road.

Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Training provided Discreet, Paid daily Flexible hours Foxtel and internet access for staff Friendly Female management Located in the heart of Sydney Earn $150+ per hour

NO SEX

www.sirs.com.au 80 ERSKINE ST. SYDNEY CBD

Female Masseurs Required $115 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team

92997771 (02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills www.nirvanasydney.com.au

261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au

GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN!! BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE!! Female Masseurs required $115 p/hr Full training provided Immediate Start Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team

(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES

135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay www.atmichelles.com

TRAVELLERS, STUDENTS & LOCALS

Several vacancies exist @ our friendly well established full service parlour @ Darling Harbour. We have flexible shifts, caring female management, great pay ($150 p/hr) and a very safe environment for sexy ladies.Great place for newcomers. Call 02 9660 5942 after 11am for a confidential chat. www.club121.com.au info@club121.com.au

-BEJFT SFR (VBSBOUFFE #VTJFTU E E #FTU 3BUF JO 4ZEOFZ 63(&/5 &"3/ , 1&3 4)*'5 1"*% %"*-: /P FYQFSJFODF SFRVJSFE GVMM USBJOJOH BOE GSFF BDDPNNPEBUJPO ,JOH 4U /FXUPXO 4U 1FUFST XXX BNPSF DPN BV

BBM-610 // CLASSIFIEDS

ACCOMMODATION

SYDNEY

Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms in the heart of the city. Dorm beds single $40 per night or $180 per week, double rooms $80 per night OR $320 per week. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

BONDI JUNCTION Fully Furnished near new Studio apartments. Available for short or long term rental. All bills inc. Close to beach, parks, bars and transport. Ideal for 2 people. From $150 pp/ pw. Call 0405 20 5000

DARLINGHURST BUDGET. NEWLY RE-FURBISHED SHARE ACCOMMODATION

Rear of 433 Liverpool Street, Darlinghurst. Corner of West Street. Central location, close to all amenities yet quiet. $160 P/P P/W + $200 Bond. All bills + WIRELESS INTERNET included. Fully furnished rooms in share house. 7 rooms - 2, 3 or 4 person share. Laundry, Kitchen, lounge/TV room. For appointment to view call Louise between 9am-7pm on 0402 034 119. APARTMENTS FOR RENT from $280.00 per week. Potts Point area. Ideal for 2 people, fully furnished & bills included. Fully equipped kitchens & bed linen supplied. TV and DVD player. Secure Building. Close to transport [5 mins to city centre], supermarkets, library, parks & restaurants. Short or Long Term available. Suitable for Couples. Please call 0416 500 088 Between 9am to 5pm

Potts Point â&#x20AC;&#x201C; CLOSE TO CITY.

Large Studio in garden complex. Close to Kings Cross station. Suitable for a couple. Fully furnished and equipped with everything you need including TV, linen, crockery, microwave etc. $375pw. Call 0425286445

BBM-610 // ACCOMMODATION

BONDI JUNCTION. CHEAPER THAN A DORM: Walking distance to Cock and Bull and Tea Gardens. Rooms available: Singles, doubles, triples and quads. All bills inc. All rooms include kitchenette, fridge, microwave. Laundry. Spotless. Near transport. Oxford Court Accommodation. From $130 per person per week. 170 Oxford Street, Woollahra. Call 9327 2233 / 0412 547 840.

MELBOURNE FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park. Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY

SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

JACKAROO HOSTEL 107-109 Darlinghurst Road Kings Cross, NSW Ph: (02) 9332 2244 info@jackaroohostel.com www.jackaroohostel.com PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02 9281 6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com O’MALLEY’S HOTEL 228 William Street, Kings Cross Sydney, NSW 2011 Ph: 02 9357 2211 Fax: 02 9357 2656 admin@omalleyshotel.com.au www.omalleyshotel.com.au SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL

428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

THE ROYAL HOTEL

370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au KANGA HOUSE BACKPACKERS 141 Victoria Street, Kings Cross, Sydney Ph: 1800 4 or 02 9357 7897 Website: www.KangaHouse.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS

MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE

BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

HUNTER VALLEY HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

KATOOMBA

KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

BYRON BAY

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS

NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE

LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND

GOLDCOAST AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au SURFERS PARADISE YHA AT MAIN BEACH

Mariners Cove, 70 Seaworld Drive Main Beach, Surfers Paradise 4217 Ph: (07) 5571 1776 Fax: (07) 5571 1747 www.yha.com.au surfersparadise@yha.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com

SURF N SUN BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS

3323 Surfers Paradise Blvd, Surfers Paradise, Gold Coast, QLD 4217 Ph: (07) 5592 2363 Free Call 1800 678 194 info@surfnsun-goldcoast.com www.surfnsun-goldcoast.com TREKKERS BACKPACKERS 22 White Street, Goldcoast, QLD, 4215 BOOKINGS FREECALL : 1800 100 004 info@trekkersbackpackers.com.au www.trekkersbackpackers.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au

BRISBANE

TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad THE DECK 117 Harcourt St New Farm Brisbane 0433777061 the_deck@live.com.au Designed with the working Traveler in Mind Minimum 2 week stay BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433 BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865 BRISBANE CITY YHA 392 Upper Roma St, Brisbane 4000 Phone: (07) 3236 1004 Fax: (07) 3236 1947 brisbanecity@yha.com.au www.yha.com.au

SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800 www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

NOOSA

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

HERVEY BAY

NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com

1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. CAIRNS CENTRAL YHA 20-26 McLeod Street Cairns 4870 Ph: (+617) 4051 0772 Fax: (+617) 4031 3158 cairnscentral@yha.com.au www.yha.com.au GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

DREAMTIME TRAVELLERS REST 4 Terminus Street (corner of Bunda st.& Terminus st.) Cairns 4870 Queensland Ph:0740316753 info@dreamtimehostel.com www.dreamtimehostel.com GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

MISSION BEACH

ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

BBM-610 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

Australia CAPE TRIBULATION

PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

WHITSUNDAYS

BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage, Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH AIRLIE BEACH YHA

394 Shute Harbour Road Airlie Beach 4802 Phone: (07) 4946 6312 or 1800 247 251 Fax: (07) 4946 7053 airliebeach@yha.com.au www.yha.com.au MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL

366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1199 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE

Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

RAINBOW BEACH

PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH

WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS cnr Marine Parade & Eric St Cottesloe Beach Ph: 08 9384 5111 stay@oceanbeachbackpackers.com www.oceanbeachbackpackers.com

ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966

madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA

MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

KUNUNURRA

KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 or 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

BBM-610 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

BROOME

BEACHES OF BROOME 4 Sanctuary Road, Cable Beach, Broome, WA, 6725 Ph : 1300 881 031 bookings@beachesofbroome.com.au www.beachesofbroome.com.au

VICTORIA MILDURA REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP

BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au

www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 MELBOURNE CENTRAL YHA 562 Flinders St Melbourne 3000 Ph: (+613) 9621 2523 Fax: (+613) 9614 7891 melbcentral@yhavic.org.au www.yha.com.au Centrally located, close to public transport and major attractions. Free city circle tram on doorstep,24 hour reception, wifi and Skype available. Rooftop deck.

MELBOURNE METRO YHA 78 Howard Street North Melbourne 3051 Phone: (03) 9329 8599 Fax: (3) 9326 8427 melbmetro@yhavic.org.au www.yha.com.au

Winner of the Victorian Tourism Award for Best Backpacker Accommodation three years running! 24 hour reception.

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Ph: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com

Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

BACK OF CHAPEL 50 Green St, Windsor Prahran, Vic 3181 Ph: 03 9521 5338 www.backofchapel.com NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com

$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS

THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

ST. KILDA

OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au

Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply

APOLLO BAY

APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au ECO BEACH YHA ECO-HOSTEL 5 Pascoe Street Apollo Bay 3233 Ph: (+613) 5237 7899 Fax: (+613) 5237 1136 apollobay@yhavic.org.au www.yha.com.au

Clean, quiet and relaxing Eco-Hostel. Cosy fire in winter. DVD’s available to borrow from reception.

HALLS GAP

GRAMPIANS YHA ECO-HOSTEL Corner Grampians and Buckler Roads Halls Gap 3381 Ph: (+613) 5356 4544 Fax: (+613) 5356 4543 grampians@yhavic.org.au www.yha.com.au

Eco accredited. Solar powered. Herb garden, free range chooks and friendly local kangaroos

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au MAJESTIC MINIMA HOTEL 146 Melbourne Street North Adelaide SA 5006 Ph:(08) 8334 7766 minima@majestichotels.com.au www.majestichotels.com.au OUR HOUSE BACKPACKERS 33 Gilbert Place, Adelaide, SA, 5000 Ph: 08 8410 4788 Fax: 08 8410 6288 info@ourhousebackpackers.com www.ourhousebackpackers.com

HINDMARSH ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS

CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand CHRISTCHURCH

CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN

BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new fl ashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakefi eld Stree Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off fi rst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off fi rst night if you mention this ad

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfi ji.comwww beachcomberfi ji.com THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fi jibeachouse.co www.fi jibeachouse.co

SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfi ji.com Skype name: Smugglers Cove HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachfi ji.co

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandfi ji com THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacifi c Harbou P.O.Box 416 Pacifi c Habou Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.fi jinadibayhotel.com NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj

BBM-610 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

TOURS & ACTIVITIES SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS 1 Pathfinder Drive, Caloundra Airport, Sunshine Coast, QLD Ph: (07)54 370 211 or 04 18 776 775 bookings@sunshinecoastskydivers.com.au www.sunshinecoastskydivers.com.au

COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com

The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au

Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au

Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

NEW ZEALAND

SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz

SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS

Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

FIJI

SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

SKYRAIL RAINFOREST CABLEWAY Cnr of Captain Cook Highway and Cairns Western Arterial Road, PO Box 888 Smithfield, Queensland, 4878 Ph: 07 4038 1555 Fax: 07 4038 1888 mail@skyrail.com.au www.skyrail.com.au OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.

BBM-610 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

GOING SOUTH

Four days, two famous Aussie icons, one awesome tour Ph: 1800 009 858 www.goinsouth.com.au

TEMPTATION DOLPHIN SWIM Marina Pier, Holdfast Shores Marina Glenelg SA 5045 Ph: 0412 811 838 Fax: (08) 8353 0750 info@dolphinboat.com.au www.dolphinboat.com.au

RAFTING

AUSTRALIA

OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au

Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au

HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA

BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au

KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA

KITESURF 1770 / IKO CER TIFIED KITEBOARDING SCHOOL/CENTRE 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@kitesurf1770.com.au www.kitesurf1770.com.au KITE REPUBLIC Shop: 10-18 Jacka Blvd. St.Kilda Sea Baths Complex, St.Kilda 3182 Melbourne, VIC Ph:(03) 95370644 Mob: +61 418583233 info@kiterepublic.com.au www.kiterepublic.com.au

MARINE CHARTERS AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE BAY CHARTERS 2 Jubilee Drive Port Lincoln, SA, 5606 Ph: 04 8842 8862 info@adventurebaycharters.com.au www.adventurebaycharters.com.au

KANGAROO ISLAND MARINE CHARTERS 9 Chapman Terrace, Kingscote, Kangaroo Island, SA Ph: 0427 315 286 Fax: 08 8553 0016 www.kimarineadventures.com

KAYAKING AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE KAYAKING 7 Hastings Street, Glenelg South, SA Ph: (08) 8295 8812 bookings@adventurekayak.com.au www.adventurekayak.com.au

BIKE RIDING AUSTRALIA

ESCAPE GOAT Adelaide, SA Ph: 08 8121 8112 0422 916289 info@escapegoat.com.au www.escapegoat.com.au

JET BOATING

NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET

The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

AUSTRALIA

JET BOAT EXTREME Behind Titanium Bar Ferny Avenue Surfers Paradise Queensland Ph: 0755388890 Mob: 0404099981 info@jetboatextreme.com.au www.jetboatextreme.com.au

ROLLERBLADING

SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Chris@surfingaustralia.com http://www.surfingaustralia.com Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience

MOJOSURF 2/9 Marvel Street Ph: 02 6639 5100 reservations@mojosurf.com http://mojosurf.com Living the dream… SANCTUARY SURFERS 201 Waymouth Street Adelaide South Australia 5000 Ph: 0403 134 478 luke.j.d@gmail.com www.sanctuary.net.au SURFSHACK IS AN ACCREDITED SURF SCHOOL Lessons from $50 for 2 hours Lake Entrance Surf Shack 507 Esplanade Ph: 03 5155 4933 Mallacoota Surf Shack 41 Maurice Avenue Ph: 03 5158 0909 www.surfshack.com.au

JUNGLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS PO Box 117 Port Douglas, Queensland Ph: 07 4098 0043 info@junglesurfing.com.au www.junglesurfing.com.au

RIVER BOARDING NEW ZEALAND

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797 www.riverboarding.co.nz

SHARK EXPEDITIONS AUSTRALIA

AUSTRALIA

ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022

RODNEY FOX EXPEDITIONS 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, Adelaide, South Australia, 5070 Ph: (08) 8363 1788 www.rodneyfox.com.au

GLACIER GUIDING

BUNGY JUMPING

Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz

AJ HACKETT CAIRNS Mc Gregor Road Smithfield, QLD 4878 Ph: (07) 4057 7188 Free call: 1800 622 888 (Aus only) Cairns.reception@ajhackett.com www.cairns.ajhackett.com

NEW ZEALAND

AUSTRALIA

Take a breathtaking guided trip on the West Coast’s longest and less crowded glacier amidst fascinating ice formations with NZ’s most experienced glacier guiding company. Offering a full range of trips to suit all fitness levels.

SURFING AUSTRALIA

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CRYSTAL BALLS

Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week

ramblings appear scornful and

Virgo

can hurt people as much as

JUST because you’ve met a

a hammer blow to the nether-

new bloke doesn’t mean you

And anyway, she was the best

regions.

have to turn into a social recluse.

looking girl ever to sport an

You’re liable to end up less

It’s fine being loved up but don’t

congratulating yourself, not crying

popular than a Manchester

forget your mates. After all, who

in the shower every morning.

United shirt in Leeds.

will you drink with after he drops

country so it’s time to move on.

Adam’s Apple. You should be

you on your arse? And who’s

Capricorn

gonna examine your piles when

JUST because you’ve listened

YOU may be having a lot of

he does you up the arse? Here’s

to a few Bob Dylan albums

fun playing two girls off against

to friends!

and can play three chords

Cancer Aries AMY Winehouse may have said

each other, but how long do you think it can last?

on a guitar does not mean you’re the next spokesperson

HOOKING up with your ex

for a generation of misguided

Your romantic merry-go-round

missus is a good way to end

youths.

may see you double up on the

your current run of bad form

Let’s face it, Ms Winehouse

amount of nookie you’re getting,

with the ladies, but it’s likely to

If you are going to ramble on

isn’t exactly the ideal role

but it’s a double dose of bunny

cause more dramas than it’s

about how you’re going to

model when it comes to healthy

boiling you’ll have to deal with

worth.

change the world, you could at

living. It’s time to tone things

when they find out - which one

down you crack-addicted

of them did about an hour before

Soon you’ll be settling into old

then you’ll realise why your

alcoholic.

you read this.

routines and start to remember

anti-President Bush concept

exactly why you got rid of her

album is slightly out of touch.

no, no, no to rehab but that doesn’t mean that you have to.

Taurus

We’d check the brakes on your

TRY and remember that we’re

car if we were in your shoes.

no longer in the playground and

least read a newspaper. Maybe

in the first place.

Aquarius

On the plus side, she’s so

THIS week all Aquariuses

desperate to have you back,

are required to pack their

that you’ve entered the world of

Leo

adulthood.

DID no one ever tell you that a

she finally lets you do her up

bags and head directly to the

conversation was supposed to

the wrong ‘un. Score!

nearest airport to book a flight

You may have been hard-as-

be a two way affair?

nails when you were a school

Scorpio

back home. You are no longer welcome Down Under and it’s

kid, but that doesn’t mean

You talk and talk and never

THROWING a diva-like temper

about time you gave the rest of

you can carry on pushing

listen to a word anyone else

tantrum every time you don’t get

us some more room.

people around. Sooner or later

has to say.

your own way isn’t the way to resolve your problems.

someone is going to put you

Pisces THROWING eggs at policemen

on your arse, in a hole in the

We all have our opinions on

ground or, worse, on a clip on

issues but that doesn’t give

Yes, you are a pretty girl, and

after a night out is not the best

YouTube getting beaten up by a

you an excuse to ram yours

yes, blokes will fight each other

idea you’ve ever had.

14-year-old girl.

down everyone else’s throats

to the death to help you in any

- especially the one about

way you can. But sooner or later

It might be a good laugh to give

James Bond being a poor man’s

you’re going to have to stand on

the fuzz the runaround for a

MacGyver.

your own two feet.

few hours after a few too many

Why exactly do you love

Sagittarius

MacGyver so much? Your

WHAT happened to you with that

B&B we mean Bed and Bum

You may not mean to say such

weirdness grows on a daily

lady-boy in Thailand is all in the

fun. You might want to buy

idiotic things, but your mindless

basis.

past now. You’re in a whole new

some pile cream.

Gemini IT’S about time you started engaging your brain before you open you big mouth.

Libra

ciders, but a B&B night in the cells is on the cards. And by

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ASK CRYSTAL I’m worried what my girlfriend

know won’t hurt her. Plus, if

They’ve stared avoiding me and

will say.

you do get caught, you can

won’t go on nights out when

just pass it off as a remarkable

I’m there. I think they’re jealous.

I don’t want to lie to her but I

coincidence and remind her how

What should I do?

also could really do with the

lucky she is to be dating a guy

cash. How should I go about it?

who looks like someone deemed

Ollie, Wollongong

Dear Crystal,

good looking enough to feature

Dear Joanna,

in a wank mag. MY ADVICE to you is simple

Dear Ollie,

Dear Crystal,

BEING a handsome chap, I

- fuck them! If they’re jealous because you look and feel good

used to do some modelling back

FIRST of all, what are the

in Blighty and now I’ve been

chances of your girlfriend ever

I’VE GONE from being a ten-

offered the chance to do some

picking up a porn mag – let alone

tonne heifer to a bit of a looker in

over here too.

the one with you in it?

just a few weeks after I started a

Plus, now you’re beautiful, you

new diet.

can get better and slimmer

about yourself then they’re not really your friends.

The problem is, it’s for a porn

If she’s as prudish as you say

mag. I am really tempted

then you should be able to get

I’ve lost loads of weight and I

works. Just be sure to look down

because I’m absolutely skint at

away with a quick dong flash

can wear nice tight-fitting clothes

on your old mates with scorn

the moment. I’m not that arsed

and no one will be any the wiser.

that turn the lads’ heads. The

when you pass them munching

about my mates finding out but

Remember: what she doesn’t

problem is all my mates.

on their burgers at Hungry Jacks.

friends. That’s the way the world

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail Crystal via editor@britishballs.com

JOKES RYAN Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that even though he’s happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally. Timothy, Perth

TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS

Joanna, Darwin

I SENT a player off in the f rst minute of a match today for deliberate handball. He said: “You haven’t got a fucking clue what you’re doing, ref.” I said: “Yeah, yeah. That’s what they all say... right lads, scrum down.” Terry, Bondi ADELE’S arse cheek brushed against my face earlier while she played a concert in London. Strange because I was in Wigan at the time. Todd, Wigan I WENT on Mastermind last week and my specialist subject was Manchester United. John Humphreys said, “Question one: Which Man United player is known as the Welsh Wizard?” I said, “I couldn’t say.” He said, “Correct, question two...” Peter, Coogee SAW a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked. Thomas, Brisbane BBM-610 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

MY dad came up to me today and said, “Son, is there any chance that you can help me write the words to go in my will?” “No problem,” I said. “Leave everything to me.” Frank, Cairns MY family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak. If only they could see me now... Jimmy, Edgecliff ‘BARACK Obama to stay at Buckingham Palace.’ Word of advice, your Majesty: Don’t come out of the shower with a towel around your head. John, Brisbane MY celibate friend is so annoying. He doesn’t believe in fucking anything. Jack, Bondi MY new girlfriend could barely hide her disappointment when I f rst took my clothes off in front of her. We were halfway through Sunday lunch with her parents at the time. Ted, Bronte

SCOREBOARD LEAGUE TABLES SERIE A

PREMIER LEAGUE

PlWDL+/-Pts AC Milan38241044182 Internazionale3823782776 Napoli38217102070 Udinese38206122266 Lazio38206121666 AS Roma3818911763 Juventus381513101058 Palermo3817516-556 Fiorentina38121511551 Genoa3814915-251 Chievo38111314-246 Parma38111314-846 Catania38121016-1246 Cagliari3812917-745 Cesena38111017-1243 Bologna38111215-1742 Lecce3811819-2041 Sampdoria3881218-1636 Brescia3871120-1832 Bari385924-2924

PlWDL+/-Pts Manchester United38231144180 Chelsea3821893671 Manchester City3821892771 Arsenal38191182968 Tottenham Hotspur3816148962 Liverpool38177141558 Everton38131510654 Fulham38111611649 Aston Villa38121214-1148 Sunderland38121115-1147 West Brom38121115-1547 Newcastle United38111314-146 Stoke City3813718-246 Bolton Wanderers38121016-446 Blackburn Rovers38111017-1343 Wigan Athletic3891514-2142 Wolves3811720-2040 Birmingham City3881515-2139 Blackpool3810919-2339 West Ham United3871219-2733

SCOTTISH PREMIER

LA LIGA PlWDL+/-Pts FC Barcelona3830627496 Real Madrid3829546992 Valencia CF3821892071 Villarreal CF38188121062 Sevilla FC3817714158 Athletic Bilbao3818416458 Atlético Madrid3817714958 RCD Espanyol3815419-949 Osasuna3813817-147 Sporting Gijón38111413-747 Málaga CF3813718-1446 Racing Santander38121016-1546 Real Zaragoza3812917-1345 Levante UD3812917-1145 Real Sociedad3814321-1745 Getafe CF3812818-1144 RCD Mallorca3812818-1544 Deportivo La Coruña38101315-1643 Hércules CF389821-2435 UD Almería3861220-3430

PlWDL+/-Pts Rangers3830355993 Celtic3829546392 Heart of Midlothian3818911863 Dundee United38171011561 Kilmarnock38131015-249 Motherwell3813718-2046 Inverness38141113853 St. Johnstone38111116-2044 Aberdeen3811522-2038 Hibernian3810721-2237 St. Mirren388921-2433 Hamilton Academical3851122-3526

FOOTBALL RESULTS

FANTASY FOOTBALL 2010/11 FINAL TABLE! # TEAM MANAGER GW

TOT

1 alovelycupoftea James Horrocks 50

2163

2 Stop, Hammertime! Paul Steadman 40 3 Dizzying Heights FC Siva Iyer 34

2065

4 every week you dan magee 30

2024

5 Alan’s Deep Bath jason kerley 38 6 Alcohol Fc Ron f 45

2116

2023

1991

7 TippytappyFC Richie Egan 41

1987

8 ur ma’s athletic brian o gorman 39 9 Mukin Fagic Luke Gately 37

1955 1931

10 The Roosters Steven Cairns 50 11 Arsenal Brian Harvey 56

13 Tallulah Neil Weaver 40

(in PJ O ’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $500 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100

1915 1891

1885

14 Rootin & Tootin Oisin Coveney 28

1883

15 Holy-family ‘B’ team Pat Mustard 16

1873

16 Insert Name Here Utd Richard Gadsby 28 17 fi sty cuffs fc Marc Roche 32 18 Dinamo Kraken Tom Hopkins 37 19 Multiple Scorgasms Robert Carry 49 20 match fi xers;) Dermy Donnelly 38

Prizes

1930

12 bobby dazzlerz tom mcelwain 22

CHECK out BBM’s fantasy league table at http://fantasy. premier league. com for all the latest r esults and standings. T able below was up to date at time of going to pr ess.

1872

1861 1860 1856 1856

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Thursday, 26 May League of Ireland Premier Division Bohemians 1-0 UCD Bray 1-0 Shamrock Rovers Dundalk 1-0 Derry City Galway Utd 1-2 Drogheda Utd St Patricks 2-1 Sligo -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wednesday, 25 May Carling Nations Cup Wales 1-3 Scotland International Match Argentina 4-2 Paraguay -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tuesday, 24 May Carling Nations Cup Rep of Ireland 5-0 Northern Ireland -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sunday, 22 May Barclays Premier League Aston Villa 1-0 Liverpool Bolton 0-2 Man City Everton 1-0 Chelsea Fulham 2-2 Arsenal Man Utd 4-2 Blackpool Newcastle 3-3 West Brom Stoke 0-1 Wigan Tottenham 2-1 Birmingham West Ham 0-3 Sunderland Wolverhampton 2-3 Blackburn Scottish First Division Brechin 1-2 Ayr (agg 2-3) Scottish Second Division Annan Athletic 2-1 Albion (agg 3-4) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Saturday, 21 May Blue Square Bet Premier AFC Wimbledon 0-0 Luton (AFC Wimbledon win 4-3 on pens) Scottish Cup Motherwell 0-3 Celtic League of Ireland Premier Division Sligo 3-0 Galway Utd -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Friday, 20 May Npower League Two Accrington 0-1 Stevenage (agg 0-3) Shrewsbury 0-0 Torquay (agg 0-2) League of Ireland Premier Division Bohemians 0-1 St Patricks Derry City 1-1 Bray Shamrock Rovers 3-0 Drogheda Utd UCD 0-2 Dundalk -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Thursday, 19 May Npower League One Peterborough 2-0 MK Dons (agg 4-3) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wednesday, 18 May Uefa Europa League FC Porto 1-0 Braga

WORLD SPORT RYAN’S IN A REAL FIX NOW NRL: Alleged cheating bastard Ryan Tandy has f nally been charged by police for his rather large (again allegedly) role in the match-f xing scandal involving last year’s Bulldogs and Cowboys match in Townsville. For those unfamiliar with what happened, several of Tandy’s mates – including his agent – were caught on CCTV making large bets on the rather unusual selection of the Cowboys scoring f rst with a penalty kick. Surprise, surprise, Tandy

immediately gave away a penalty to the Cowboys right between the posts. Hilariously, however, instead of opting for the simple kick, the unsuspecting Cowboys screwed up the whole thing by going for a try instead – which they successfully scored.

– playing for the Bulldogs gave possession away with a knock on in the opening minutes of the match, then

Detectives from the Casino and Racing Investigation Unit yesterday charged Tandy, 29, with attempting to dishonestly obtain a f nancial advantage by deception.

TIGER BARMY GOLF: With injuries to his knee, Achilles, calf and back it seems all that time spent thrusting himself into porn stars has taken its toll on Tiger Woods – although he reckons he’ll be “ready to go” for the US Open in mid-June. Woods has been using crutches and wearing a protective boot on his left leg to ensure he will be f t – because as anyone who’s shagged as many slappers as Tiger will tell you, protection is vital. “I feel that, in the next week or so, I can start practicing pain free. That’s where I’m at,” said Woods as a hooker sucked him dry.

SORE LEW-SER FORMULA ONE: Lewis Hamilton’s realisation that he’s got no chance in the Drivers’ Championship has kicked in earlier than usual with the Pussycat Doll-banging Brit already coming up with excuses. Loser Lewis (right) reckons Toro Rosso are in cahoots with their sister team Red Bull to aid championship pace-setter Sebastian Vettel. “This kind of thing shouldn’t happen because they are not really supposed to be a sister team are they?” he gear-changed. “In the last race they were all of a sudden moving in my way, which caused a bigger gap to Seb. The gap that I closed to him I lost. They let him past and held me up for the next couple of corners.”

BAIZE GREEN AND GOLD SNOOKER: We all know Australians love their macho, adrenaline-f lled excitement sports so it was only ever a matter of time before the green-baize sport rollercoaster known as snooker rolled into town. The Australian Goldf elds Open will take place in Bendigo between 18-24 July 2011 – the f rst World Snooker ranking tournament ever held Down Under. “Snooker is going global like never before,” said a spokesperson. “We also have new events in Thailand and Brazil within the next few months, plus many more in the pipeline.”

NOT SO FAST ATHLETICS: After a 10-month absence due to injury, Usain Bolt claimed victory in a Diamond League 100m race in Rome with a display that the BBC described as ‘sluggish’. If the BBC think 9.91 seconds isn’t quick they should seriously have words with BBM’s girlfriend. “I was nervous, as it was my f rst race of the season. I didn’t think it went well and the nerves got to me,” the sprinter whizzed.

BROAD LOSS HOCKEY: Sad news now readers. Emma Broad, a 16-year-old rising hockey star who was called into the England squad a few weeks ago, has tragically died in her sleep. The 16-year-old was found by her mother on Sunday morning, and though paramedics were called to her home in Weybridge Emma was already dead. Fortunately, she wasn’t that attractive.

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FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

GREAT EXPECTATIONS There are clubs that have high expectations and clubs that don’t really have any. So when Carlos Ancelotti received his marching orders, BBM weren’t really that surprised. Like the majority of Chelsea fans, we thought Ancelotti would be given one more season to prove he is capable of winning the Champions League for Chelsea. After all, he is a man with class, humility and respect. But as time has proved all too often, class, humility and respect are not exactly Chelsea’s core values. Chelsea’s values are quite simple – Champions League glory by any means possible. If the Russian can get the World Cup for his country, then surely getting European glory for Chelsea should be a walk in a park? Even a Premier League trophy this season would have been considered a consolation prize by Chelsea standards. It would have been no guarantee Ancelotti would have kept his job. And after a weekend where f ve teams were f ghting relegation, being runners up is still considered a failure. So are Chelsea‘s expectations too unrealistic? When an owner spends $70 million in the summer, he has the right to have some expectations, but it is not entirely the manager’s fault. When half the team is past the age of 60 with their egos intact, miracles seldom happen. So what manager would want to risk managing Chelsea? To be honest, a short term contract getting paid $5 million a year and having access to unlimited funds probably isn’t too unappealing to most. And if it all fails, you still pick up a nice pay cheque on your way out. Then again there are some managers who say it is not all about the money and would rather manage a team with no expectations. Like Arsenal. - Lorna Evio Twitter: sportswithheart

SOMEONE HAS TO SEPP ASIDE THE race for the FIFA presidency has off cially turned into a double-dealing shitf ght which has tarnished the organisation’s otherwise sterling reputation. Jack Warner’s up shit creek for an email he sent to the FA’s Lord Triesman asking for $1.6million for a FIFA project that doesn’t exist. presidential candidate Mohamed Bin Hammam, also accused of corruption, is determined to bring election rival sith lord Sepp Blatter down with him. “The accusations also contain statements that Mr Blatter knew of, but did not oppose… I have requested that the investigation be extended to include Mr Blatter”. But the best line came from old Sepp himself. After last week expressing his “great sadness” at watching “former colleagues and friends” caught up in the scandal, he changed his tune somewhat. “When a Swiss farmer’s neighbour has a cow while he has none, the less fortunate farmer will work twice as hard so that one day he can buy a cow as well. When another farmer, elsewhere, on an island, say, has no cow but his neighbour does, that farmer will kill the neighbour’s cow out of sheer malice. I’d rather be a Swiss farmer, like it or not.” Classy. FULHAM’S last-gasp attempt at failing to qualify for the Europa League next season has

SLIMFASTLOVING Kolo Toure has been handed a backdated sixmonth ban following his failed drugs test. Claims in March that Toure had taken some of his wife’s slimming pills were backed up by the FA’s f ndings hence the somewhat lenient ban which will see him back in September.

been unsuccessful. The Cottagers were top of the fair play league by a country mile at the start of May, but a rash of late bookings had given them hope of slipping behind Blackpool. But even the f nal day sending off of Zoltan Gera (Fulham’s only red card this season) wasn’t enough and the Cottagers will now be forced to cut their holidays short for the privilege of playing eight (potentially) games just to qualify for the group stage of Europe’s most pointless competition (not including Eurovision).

BARNSLEY are pulling out all the stops to get the right man for their vacant manager’s job. Potential candidate, Leyton Orient boss Russell Slade, was interviewed for the position in the classy surroundings of a Starbucks on the M62.

BLACKPOOL boss Ian Holloway could still leave Bloomf eld Road despite reports from Sky Sports News and the Daily Mail quoting the Twitter account of @IanHolloway which said he was staying at the club. “Contrary to some media speculation, Blackpool manager Ian Holloway is not on social networking site Twitter,” laughed a Blackpool statement.

IN A move no way designed to bump up his wages, the agent of Joey Barton says his client could be on his way out at St James’ Park after contract negotiations broke down. “We had talks in January - Joey was prepared to take a drop in wages and we couldn’t get anywhere,” said agent Willie McKay – who is easily the most conniving, horrible, rat-like bastard BBM ever had the misfortune of interviewing.

ONE to f le away dept: QPR coowner Flavio Briatore insists the club has “complete trust” in boss Neil Warnock. “Not for one minute do we have doubts about Neil,” he roared. “Zero.” And having booked their place in the Premier League, the owners of QPR have raised ticket prices at Loftus Road by almost 40 percent. Nice.

LUCKY old Plymouth look like they’ve got a new owner. Peter Ridsdale.

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE! with ace pundit Chris Kamara

A nightclub waiter was left dumbstruck when Tottenham star Vedran Corluka gave him a watch worth a staggering £36,000. The Croatian defender was on a night out at infamous London nightspot Whisky Mist when the waiter complimented him on his diamondstudded Hublot watch. The star slipped off the watch off to let the waiter have a look at it - then, offered to swap it for the waiter’s Seiko. Unbelievable Jeff!

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FOOTBALL

FEATURE

WE’LL CHAMPION THIS LEAGUE IT’S the climax to the season, it’s being played at the home of football and it’s got it all.

Huddersf eld, BBM has been in love.

Passion, drama, inevitable controversy and unpredictable skill. This week, thousands of fans from two different countries will pay a small fortune to watch all this and more in the match that BBM looks forward to most each year. The Champions League? Bollocks to that. It’s the Championship play-off f nal. Hurrah!

This year, Reading take on Swansea for a place in the Premier League in a match that, depending on which newspaper you read, will earn the winner somewhere between $165 squajillion and all the gold in Scrooge McDuck’s diamond-encrusted money pit.

Ever since we saw Grimsby legend ‘Super’ Clive Mendonca bang in a hat-trick for Charlton during one of the greatest games of football we’ve ever seen during an all-day bender in

The beauty of the play-off f nal over the Champions League is that it’s got soul. OK you’re not going to see Lionel Messi nutmegging Nemanja Vidic, distracting Rio Ferdinand with a

card trick and then backheel-chipping it over Edwin van der Saar – but what you will get is local hero Dean Windass shrugging off his age and dartsplayer physique to smack home a cracker of goal and give several thousand Hull City fans the best day of their lives. Because it’s played by two Championship teams, there’s none of this keep-possessionat-all costs style of European play that’s infected the top-f ight either, instead there’s always a glimmer of that naïve ‘gung-ho’

British approach that makes the game so much more exciting back home. The play-off f nal also means more to these clubs, and we don’t mean in a ‘Man Utd are always playing at Wembley’ kind of way. Winning this game can literally ensure a club’s survival for the next three years and also guarantees them games against some of the biggest clubs in Europe, while losing it can bankrupt them and get them relegated to League Two 12 months later. Massive pressure inevitably means mistakes and – frequently – massive scorelines. And if you’re anything like BBM, a massive scoreline means a massive erection. Have it!

...TOP FIVE PLAY-OFF FINALS... 1993

SWINDON 4 LEICESTER 3 Leicester came within a whisker of one of the great football comebacks after f nding themselves 3-0 down with almost an hour of the game gone against Swindon. Amazingly, three goals in 11 minutes put the Foxes back on level terms – until referee David Elleray (right) gave a controversial 85th-minute penalty to Swindon, which Paul Bodin duly f red home.

1998

CHARLTON 4 SUNDERLAND 4 BBM was drunk when we watched this one but it still ranks as one of the best matches we’ve ever seen. In a match that swung both ways more times than David Bowie, Sunderland fan Clive Mendonca (left) scored a hat-trick for Charlton as the game went to 3-3 at fulltime to 4-4 after extra-time. An epic penalty shoot-out followed with Charlton winning 7-6.

2008

BRISTOL CITY 0 HULL CITY 1 At the age of 39, most people thought local hero Dean Windass (right) wouldn’t even get on the pitch for the biggest game in Hull’s recent history. The fat thug-alike had other ideas though, answering his critics with a Roy of the Rovers-style volley from the edge of the box which proved the winner in a tight game.

1995

BOLTON 4 READING 3 Another seven goal thriller – but this time the comeback was completed. Reading went 2-0 up after 12 minutes and looked to be cruising when they were awarded a penalty after 34 minutes. Stuart Lovell missed it, and the match turned. Bolton piled on the pressure but Reading held on until the 75th minute when Owen Coyle (above) pulled one back. Fabian de Fraitas made it 2-2 to send the game to extratime and Bolton made it 4-2. A late goal for Readin g hinted at yet another twist but Bolton held on.

2010

BLACKPOOL 3-2 CARDIFF The most memorable opening 45 minutes in play-off history. Blackpool fought back from a goal down twice before f nally taking the lead in f rst-half injury time to make it 3-2 at the break. A similar goalfest seemed inevitable in the second half but by then both sides had knackered themselves out and Blackpool somehow managed to hold out.

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SPORT GUIDE

Contents PAGE 72 Football Feature: It’s Swansea v Reading battling for a place in the Premier League.

PAGE 70 Football News: More backstabbing skullduggery at FIFA headquarters. PAGE 68 World Sport: Lewis loses it and Ryan’s crying. PAGE 66 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables.

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