BBM Magazine Issue 605 by bbmlive.com

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CONTENTS ISSUE 605

The Cover

Review

BURN AFTER FEEDING - 6 In true Hollywood style, Brad and Angelina (or, as they told BBM to call them, Brang) have adopted Jamie Oliver to cook.

ARCHITECTURE IN HELSINKI - 16 Ignoring the fact that their lead single sounds exactly like Prince’s Kiss, their new album is pretty solid.

Regulars

Interview

Sport

BOB GELDOF - 14 Sir Bob told BBM he’d come write a song with us in Australia. He then burst our bubble by claiming it’d be shit.

THE CLASICO PERIOD - 80 We’ve been repeatedly smacked over the head with Barcelona v Real Madrid recently so BBM sees what all the fuss is about.

6 12 16 18 20 22 28 30 34 36 42 44 58 62 66 70 72 72 74 82

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GOSSIP INTERVIEWS REVIEWS WRAP SOAPS UK NEWS IRISH NEWS WORLD NEWS SYDNEY MELBOURNE PERTH QUEENSLAND RECRUITMENT CLASSIFIEDS HOSTEL LISTINGS CRYSTAL BALLS ASK CRYSTAL JOKES SCOREBOARD SPORT

BBM MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon

john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Ben Harlum

ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby

richard.gadsby@what-media.com

UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir

hannah.shakir@what-media.com

CONTRIBUTORS Jeremy Williams, David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Alexandra McIntyre, Ashley Moore, David Drummond, Sian Gammie, Eleni Pitman, Robin Lewis, James Stapleton, Sinead O’ Shaughnessy, Des Penny and Renee Van Kraanen Photography INTERNS Pim de Roos, Amy Bloemendaal, Jaymes Peckham and Allyson Taubenheim HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard

design@what-media.com

DESIGNER Robin White WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber

ADVERTISING AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Mary Atkin ADVERTISING Joe Smith

joe.smith@what-media.com

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GOSSIP

THESE ROYALS ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY

A MULLET-LESS Jerry Seinfeld has joined in with the rest of the world by having a go at Prince William and the woman in Diana’s shadow. During an appearance on Daybreak, the actor gave his opinion on the upcoming Royal Wedding, “it’s a circus act, it’s an absurd act... It’s dress-up. It’s a classic English thing of let’s play dress-up. Let’s pretend that these are special people.” Well, we could hardly expect the man who plays himself to understand the importance of dress-ups now could we? When asked for comment, airline food said it was just nice to out of the f ring line for once.

YOKO? OH, NO!

ORIGINALLY united through terribly named children (Hello, Maddox Jolie-Pitt and Daisy Boo Pamela Oliver if you’re reading), Jamie Oliver has leant a helping hand to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the kitchen. Watch out, Mrs. Oliver, you won’t get Jamie back after Angelina cooks his meatloaf! According to a source for The Sun, Oliver hated how the couple relied on takeout and drive-thru’s when their chef was off work. Reports that the kitchen knives are hidden, in case Jennifer Aniston arrives on a murderous rampage, were unconf rmed.

THE woman better known for breaking up The Beatles than for her artistic pursuits, Yoko Ono, claims to have made an “important” contribution to the world’s music scene during her lifetime. BBM agrees. Every time we listen to The White Album we’re really only listening to her screech and scream in the background. Genius. Ono explains her blind and deaf conf dence in herself to Spinner magazine, “no-one in the world liked me, everybody hated me, but still I went on. How about that?” Take the hint, Yoko. “I never said, ‘Oh John, you’re such a genius’,” whined Ono, “I never felt that way. I always felt we were equal in what we were doing.” Dear God, Can we swap her for John?

IN a world where news and publicity are sometimes hard to separate, Robert Pattinson does his best to promote his new movie Water For Elephants in which he plays a student vet who runs away to join the circus. Pattinson (pictured) has admitted that his f rst experience seeing a circus was not the norm and says that f lming the movie brought back some painful memories. “The f rst time I went to a circus, somebody died. One of the clowns died. His little car exploded, the joke car exploded on him. Everybody ran out, it was terrifying.” BBM is wondering when that f lm will be released. Sounds a lot better than watching a little vampire play with an elephant.

SOME people have way too much time on their hands. Then again, some people enjoy the opera; it’s an odd world out there. Jeff Timmons is a man who’s got his priorities in order. After seeing Phantom of The Opera over sixty times and starting a petition to keep it running when it closed after ten dull years Timmons now has a new bee in his fucked up bonnet. Jeff and his wife (shocking, we know) are furious after the release of a sequel to their favourite opera and have this to say about it, “rewriting the ending of this story to f nd that the Phantom is not in fact dead, but in New York City, still killing, committing crimes, and obsessing over Christine completely undoes the message and impact of the original.” Sorry, we fell asleep. What were we talking about?

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GOSSIP IF anyone is qualif ed to judge other people’s musical talents it’s got to be exsinger Mariah Carey.

THE QUEENS OF LEON

So says douche-bag Simon Cowell who is slowly putting together his “star-studded” X Factor panel.

BBM is getting a little tired of Kings Of Leon. Okay, sure, you were too cool for Glee a few months ago and now you’ve apologised and everyone’s friends. But does your too-cool status really stand when your main man’s new girlfriend is not only from Twilight but is also the ex of one of the Jonas brothers? (pictured)

You can tell when people have made the big time when their claim to fame goes hand-in-hand with their name.

Jonas’ sloppy seconds is hardly what we’d call rock n’ roll. And now for the f nal straw. It’s bad enough they have Twitter accounts in the f rst place but drummer Nathan must’ve been channeling his ten-year-old self with this one: “Just woke from a much needed ten-hour nap. Last day in Cali so I’m gonna make the most of it. You guessed it - pool party time.” Napping and pool parties? Charlie Sheen could teach these boys a thing or two about how to party.

SPEAKING of Charlie Sheen, Dennis Quaid has come out to say that cocaine was so common back in his day that it was built in to movie budgets. In an article nostalgically titled My Favourite Mistkae, Quaid, 57, admits he started doing coke way back in the seventies, “it was petty cash, you know? It was supplied, basically, on movie sets because everyone was doing it. People would make deals. Instead of having a cocktail, you’d have a line.”

Conf rmed cast members ex-Idol judge Paula Abdul and Pussycat Dolls member Nicole Scherzinger know what we mean. Cowell says Carey will have a new role in the next X Factor, “her idea was to be the judge of the judges, which only Mariah could come up with.” Well, yes, because that idea doesn’t make any sense. BBM wonders if Carey will demand to judge from the couch, like all her interviews?

By the late 80’s the actor was so hooked on the stuff that he only got one hour of sleep a night. We’re not really sure why he’s telling us all of this. Surely not to promote his new movie about that god-squad surfer girl who got her arm bitten off by a shark? Ah well, whatever the reason it seems ‘armless. POLICE are investigating two death threats made to Rebecca Black after the star was told she would be murdered if she didn’t get her music off the internet.

See what we did there?

EVAN RACHEL GIVES US WOOD

Justin Bieber doesn’t take kindly to being overlooked for a couple of weeks, does he?

JUST Just in case we needed even less of a chance at bagging True Blood star Evan Rachel Wood she’s now revealed she swings both ways.

The pitch-perfect singer of Friday told the American press that “Those hurtful comments really shocked me. At times, it feels like I’m being cyber-bullied.”

We kind of f gured after she dated testosterone-fuelled Marilyn Manson. “I was always into very androgynous things,” said Wood, “Guys, girls…I’m into androgyny in general. I’m up for anything. Meet a nice guy, meet a nice girl…” Up for anything? That’s what we like to hear. The good news is she’s going to make out with Kate Winslet on screen. So you win some you lose some. As well as her sexuality, Wood shares another trait with the bi-sexual vampire she plays on the show: she only ever goes down on her girlfriends once a month.

WE CAN SEE WHY DENNIS QUAD LOVE D COKE SO MUCH...

Ironically, “being cyberbullied” is exactly how BBM’s editorial off ce described listening to the song on repeat the last three Fridays. Thank God (or Jesus, technically) for public holidays.

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GOSSIP ZIPPITY GA GA JUST when we thought there’s nothing GaGa could do that would shock us, she releases a decent pop song. Just kidding, she’s wearing another batshit crazy outf t. Naturally. In her latest crime to fashion, she dons a purple wig and a see-through cat-suit with minge and tit zippers. As you do. This time GaGa’s got the shits big time. Does no one know who she is by now? Well, to be honest it’s a bit hard to keep up, love. “Let me tell you something. If you fucking rip my hairbow and my wig off my fucking head, my shoes, my bra, every single thing on my body, and you throw me on a piano with a microphone, I will fucking make you cry.” We don’t doubt that GaGa.

DREW A BLANK AFTER the mediocre success of Whip It Drew Barrymore is heading back behind the camera. Ironically for the serial-bride, this time she’s got How To Be Single in her sights. From what we can gather the movie will be just like Sex and The City except it follows the characters over ten years. Strike One. So far no reports of any untoward sex scenes or nudity. Strike two. Drew (pictured, bottom) tries to claw our interest back, “it’s hopefully, in a lot of ways, not a romantic comedy. People have this weird stigma with that word - it’s a turn-off to guys or whatever. But I think we’ve honed in on a style that will be more universal, a little bit ageless and not gender specif c.” Don’t let us down, Drew. Or we’ll stop watching The Wedding Singer at 4am after the pub. Wait, we don’t do that in the f rst place.

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INTERVIEW

THOR The stars of Thor hit Sydney last week for the world premiere of the comic-book blockbuster. As they overlooked Sydney Harbour in a swanky hotel, London’s Tom Hiddleston chatted to BBM’s BEN HARLUM about his role as Thor’s evil brother, Loki. What was the audition process like to get this role? I was in a Chekhov play, called Ivanov, back in London with Kenneth Branagh when it was announced that he would direct the f lm. I actually ran up to his dressing room, dressed as a 19th Century Russian doctor and pretending an empty watercooler was the hammer, and he said ‘Don’t joke, you never know…’ It took me over four months to get the part, Chris Hemsworth was cast around the same time as me so we both had six months to read the comics and let everything marinate before f lming between December 2009 right through to May last year. You mentioned looking back at the comic books. Was that a suggestion from Ken or did you decide to explore the mythology? I really enjoyed being able to have a say and some input on the story and what the character was actually there to do. I’m also a purist in a way, where as a moviegoer I get quite cross when I see that an actor hasn’t really done their homework. [laughs] I had to live up to my own standards, so I went back and read the comic books as a way to get excited about the character. I think the character of Loki works on many levels, and that a lot of people could empathise with this person whose always been second to a much cockier, arrogant brother. Was that a conscious decision for you to not play Loki as a straight villain? Absolutely. My sister gave me this book, called They Fuck You Up after the Philip Larkin poem, which explores who you are and how that depends on who your parents were and how they treated you as a child. I just f nished the book when Ken asked me to meet the writers, and I said, ”The f rst six years of Loki’s life were probably horrendous, and that’s formed who he becomes. Why don’t we root all of his comic book bad guy credentials in a truthful, psychological complexity?” I really wanted to make it multi-layered and keep people guessing, because, as a moviegoer, I love it when I’m not sure which side of the fence a character is sitting on. What’s it like being directed by Ken compared to acting alongside him? I guess when you’re acting with him, somebody is telling both of us what to do. [laughs] There’s a huge trust in an acting partnership, especially when you’re doing some very emotional work with them. To be directed by Ken was an extension of that

partnership because he was asking me to do some really extreme, emotional things and he knows the challenges, as an actor, of doing those scenes. It was such a privilege. You’re working with a lot of CGI so you have your own idea of what these worlds are going to look like. What was it like watching the f nished product, did it look anything like you expected? We had some concept art because a lot of the travelling through space and time, as well as the exteriors, was green screen. The special effects crew came to us at the beginning of the shoot with their laptops, and showed us through what they were thinking for each world. But to see it f nished was absolutely breathtaking because your imagination is what’s keeping you safe, in a sense, when working with green screen. Ken is terrif c at painting a picture; for example when we were landing on the ice planet of Jotunheim and all we have to help us are some quite realistic icebergs, the rest are green. He has a microphone, telling us “you’re walking through this freezing, terrifying planet. To your left is a tower that’s crumbling and to your right are shadows, out of which ice giants could emerge at any time. You’re excited, you’re terrif ed, you’re freezing…” He’s fuelling your imagination all the time. What are you allowed to say about Loki’s future after the f lm? The great thing about Loki is that he’s quite a tough cookie to kill. I don’t want to ruin the end of the movie for anybody but Loki knows the secret pathways and the infrastructure of the universe so no matter what happens, he’s not gone forever. I’ll leave it at that. What was it like providing the voice of Loki for the Thor video game? It was amazing to be allowed to be the voice of a video game character, it was a dream of mine on the wishlist. It was done separate to the f lm, and I recorded everything in one day. I was in a room with the team and I wasn’t doing it to picture, they were just telling me the situations and the context. It was quite fun, I love doing voice because you can be bigger and more exaggerated because nobody’s f lming your face. Thor is in cinemas right now. Visit bbmlive.com for our full interview with Tom, as well as our red carpet interviews with Kenneth Branagh, Chris Hemsworth and Jaimie Alexander. Red Carpet Photo: Renee Van Kraanen

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INTERVIEW

sir bob geldof

Sir Bob will be headlining the Rock and Rebuild concert at Star City on May 1, where 100% of income from ticket sales will be donated to help support communities affected by disasters in Australia, New Zealand and Japan. BBM was the only magazine to speak to Sir Bob when BEN HARLUM chatted to him from Italy. When did you f rst realise you could help charities and fundraising efforts with your music? Really from the get go, don’t forget that we came out of the punk scene where the idea was to change everything, that was one thing we all shared. We started in the summer of 1975 when, really, rock and roll was over. It didn’t ref ect people’s lives or what we were going through, which was dire economic crisis with the three-day week in England and stuff like that. There was no future for any kids and what you were getting on television was John Travolta, Olivia Newton John and the Bay City Rollers; forget it! We started playing music that was fast and aggressive, with the clear intent to use music to talk about actual stuff that was happening in the word. The f rst words you heard from me on our f rst radio single was that “the world owes me a living,” while from the Sex Pistols it was “I am the antichrist,” so it was clear. I don’t think music does change things, but it suggests things are possible and demands the desirability and the inevitability of change. That’s what I’ve always understood music to be ever since I heard Townsend, Jagger, Dylan, Lennon… Surely committing to fundraising gigs is a lot of pressure on you… It’s not. It’s satisfying for everybody there to know that every penny spent from the gig will go to help somebody or something, and there’s a sense of satisfaction from their point of view. From the performer’s point of view it’s their job to put on the absolute best show they could, because if they go in with an indifferent attitude it’s going to be a disaster. I don’t feel pressure on me, and I don’t want the impression to be that I put this gig together because I didn’t. I was asked by a friend whether I would come down for it, of course I would. Australia has always been welcoming to me, and all of us around the world watched what was happening in Australia, New Zealand and Japan with absolute dismay. The heavy impulse in you as a human being is to do something. You told The Guardian that it’s hard to get the UK public to accept that you do in fact play music, why is that? I’ve been around so long that my face is part of the national soap opera, a minor face but a face nonetheless, so they associate me with Live Aid or my family, who are now unfortunately part of the national narrative. When they think of you, they think of those things and it’s hard

for them to focus on the music when all that other stuff has happened. It’s hard for them to understand that the other stuff has happened because of music, which is diff cult because I view myself as a musician only. I articulate what I think about the world, through music. It bothers me when people overlook the music for the other stuff, but it’s understandable that they do. I think it’s mainly in the UK and maybe America where people have that view of me that’s so very hard to shift. Music is clearly your passion, but why would you put a new album on the backburner for ten years? It’s not necessarily that I put it on the backburner; it’s just that there are times to make music and there are times not to make music. You can only make music when the impulse occurs. You and I could sit down when I come to Sydney and write a song in thirty minutes, but it’d be shit. You referred to why people don’t focus on the music, and it’s because I talk all of the time. The reality is, the stuff that’s important to you is stored in the back of your head and sometimes they need to be pushed forward and be acknowledged. It sounds wanky, but it’s true, that you need to put a frame of references on your experiences to put it in perspective. Nine years ago… my wife left me and I was destroyed by it, I didn’t understand it because the pain and loss was so overwhelming. So your subconscious forces itself forward and that resulted in the record, Sex Age and Death. Now I’ve externalised the pain, I can understand it all and move beyond it, which took me eight years before I started to write the new album. It’s only when I talk to guys like you that I understand why I was in that mood at the time and what the lyrics were about. John Lennon, in all his faux-naivety, was right because love is all you need. Finally, how do you compose popular music that will sell? By going through eight years of absolute shit and coming out the other end. [laughs] Rock and Rebuild Concert Sunday, May 1st Lyric Theatre, Star City Tickets available from Ticketmaster online and by calling 136 100. For more with Bob, including your chance to win a double pass to the concert, visit bbmlive.com

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REVIEWS OLIVER KOLETZKI VENUE

DATE

April 16th

HUMAN LEAGUE

RATING

RELEASED

ALBUM Blessed

Civic Underground, Sydney an awesome singer both live and in studio.

SURPRISE, surprise - this time Oliver didn’t travel alone to Sydney. He came with his partner Fran, who sings on his last two albums Großstadtmärchen and Lovestoned. The couple started off with tracks such as Hypnotised and Arrow and Bow with Fran proving that she is

While in Europe, Oliver often plays at pretty big events, so the small size of the Civic Underground gave this gig a pleasant private and exclusive club atmosphere. Despite his fame, Oliver Koletzki is still a down to earth guy who politely thanks the crowd at the end of his set. I can only give you this advice: Do not miss this exceptionally talented DJ the next time he comes to play Down Under. Kerstin Keimling

RATING

Now

In Stores & Digitally

Sadly, Credo is not a patch on their contemporaries, sounding dated from the opening refrain of Never Let Me Go through to the closing of When The Stars Start To Shine. THE Human League were one of the def ning sounds of the eighties, with Don’t You Want Me Baby earning its place on the turntables at everything from student discos to wedding parties.

There is no denying that hardcore fans will lap up the record, which could easily have been released in the 80’s, but there is nothing to win over a younger generation. Without any standout songs, The Human League sound like a shadow of their former glory. Jeremy Williams

Ten years since their last album, a lot is riding upon their latest effort.

ARCHITECTURE IN HELSINKI ALBUM

Moment Bends

SINGLES

Contact High That Beep

RELEASED

Now

In Stores & Digitally

RATING A DECADE, a line-up change and four albums into their career, Melbourne’s Architecture In Helsinki have shown that it is possible to be consistently at the top of your game without the need for scandal or

sensationalism. Their shoulder swaying tracks are easy on the ear while oozing universal appeal. Unsurprisingly, Moment Bends does nothing to mix up their

winning formula but simply builds on past glory to ensure it supercedes their earlier works.

appeal, while ensuring that their material is more than a little radio friendly.

From the moment Desert Island opens, Architecture In Helsinki have you humming along and tapping the toe. Their compositions may be simple constructions, but their impact is immediate. Though lyrics may not stick in your head, the melodies remain locked in for days.

If there were only one criticism, it would be that Kellie Sutherland’s soft yet stirring vocal is kept out of the spotlight. While she comes to the fore on the sublime Wow, she is often left in the shadows. Moment Bends demonstrates that sparse sounds can be both effective and entertaining.

At their peak, Contact High shows The band are masters of making a band who are unwilling to sell the most out of the minimalist. A truly beautiful effort. JW out their sound for mainstream

INTERVIEW

derek warfield

on traditional Irish music, what do you hope people take away from your live set? I hope to enlighten folks to the great treasure Selected Tour Dates April 30th: Adelaide and merits of our Irish heritage of music. I May 1st: Melbourne also like to point out the importance of our May 6th: Brisbane music and song within the wider cultural May 7th: Coogee heritage of Irish and Australians alike. You have a new album out entitled Far May 8th: Sydney Our ballads and songs have defended Away in Australia. Can you tell us a bit our people in the worst of times and were about it? def antly sung by them under threats by the It has always been my intention to ref ect English of f ogging and even death. Many in song the musical heritage of Ireland and songs express pride in Irish identity and Australia. The musical and literary heritage is so rich in content and I am sure there will therefore to Irish many people are a badge of be a volume 2 as I collected enough material honour. Most importantly they have ref ected the hopes, dreams and aspirations of for ten CD’s. In this CD I have covered many generations of Irish people who made their issues events and aspects of Irish input homes here in Australia. inf uence and involvement. Derek Warf eld is back with the Young Wolfetones for another tour around Australia. BBM caught up with the man himself as he prepared to f y down under for the shows.

Having toured here in 2009, what are you expecting this time? Last time around, the travel was most enjoyable and the experience taught me a great deal. The highlight of our last tour was the Folk festival at Portarlington. This trip we are covering a lot more ground going Perth and Adelaide and to the National Folk Festival at Canberra which is a great event and one that we are all looking forward to. You have a very exciting, energetic take

With so much time spent on the road, does it ever inf uence your music? Because of the facts of history and our colonial past, the Irish race are scattered all over the world. The Irish people, when they left, brought their music and song with them. So the inf uence of Irish song and music is to be found in many communities from America to Australia. The English may have given many of their former colonies their language but the Irish gave them music and song.

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THE WRAP

WEEKEND WEEKS IN TOTAL BOX EARNINGS RELEASE OFFICE

FILM

TOURING on the back of their fourth studio album, Where Did The Night Fall, Unkle will bring their unique live sound to Australia for the f rst time since 2008’s Big Day Out. BBM have tickets to give away if you visit our competitions page online. Melbourne: April 29th Brisbane: May 3rd Sydney: May 9th Perth: May 11th

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RETURNING to our shores after entertaining audiences at Parklife, Darwin Deez will be playing headline shows in Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney and Perth, as well as performing at Groovin The Moo nationally. Melbourne: April 29th Adelaide: May 3rd Brisbane: May 5th Sydney: May 10th Perth: May 12th

1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3

WITH their new single Eskimo Boy about to hit airwaves, dancef oors and TV screens near you, it seemed like the right thing to take Strange Talk on the road with their f rst headlining shows.

LAST WEEK

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ON BBMLIVE.COM THIS WEEK SHOW YOUR STRIPES “You may be accustomed to the old nautical stripes rolling out each Spring/Summer, but who cares, they’re great, they go with everything, and they truly are the marker of summertime frolics.”

Assorted Dates: Sydney: April 28th Melbourne: May 6th Adelaide: May 13th Brisbane: May 14th

FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

HIGHEST WEEKS IN POSITION RELEASE

MUSIC

COMPETITIONS THEIR debut album Subculture took the music world by storm. Now, off the back of their lead single Face Of The Planet, The Subs are taking electronica down that deep, dark, unexplored road once again with their second album Decontrol. We have a bunch of copies of the album to give away.

BBM has f ve double passes to give away to see Hugh Cornwell in a city of your choice. Hugh is, of course, the original guitarist, singer and main songwriter in The Stranglers. All you need to do is tell us your most memorable concert memory. Easy! We’ll pick the best and reward them with tickets.

MINISTRY of Paintball have kindly agreed to give away an unlimited number of free VIP Field Entry Passes to all BBM readers.

ENTER to share in Habitat HQ’s CherryRock011 MAYhem & Madness Weekend, and discover St Kilda & Melbourne.

All entry passes are fully transferable so you can forward them onto anyone, even to people you know in the UK as the passes are valid at over 120 Ministry of Paintball locations there.

One lucky winner will receive three night’s accommodation for two in a private ensuite room plus two CherryRock011 tickets.

TO ENTER ANY OF THESE COMPS, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM 18

Make sure to check Died Pretty kick off the festival on May 1!

COMPETITIONS.HTML BBM-605 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SOAPS CORONATION ST. MARIA tells Chris that Frank attacked her, and after she reports him to the police he gets arrested.

offered a job in Germany, and he and Anna get some bad news about Faye’s biological mother.

Kevin is still trying to get Sally back, so he draws out the divorce proceedings, but will Sally ever be able to forgive his affair with the late Molly?

Fiz is worried when John goes missing, while Kevin is jealous when Jeff surprises Sally with a trip to Paris, which will surely make it harder for him to win back the affections of his wife.

Eddie reveals he’s been

EastEnders JACK says a heartbreaking goodbye to who he thought was his son, as baby Tommy is f nally returned to Kat and Alf e.

Meanwhile, Whitney manages to embarrass the whole Branning clan when she talks to a reporter about the baby swap and Max really lays into With Ronnie being locked away the troubled teen. for swapping the babies, and Jack struggling to cope with Whitney also gets an earful the loss, it looks like the f nal from Ricky when she assumes nail is in the coff n for their she is trying to sleep her way marriage. back to having her market stall.

Deegan looks into the allegations against Barry after Eileen makes a statement against him. Barry is uncomfortable being left in Ben’s company, so Paul takes him in. However, when Barry goes home to clean up he is pushed over the edge. Meanwhile, the tension between Carol and Jo escalates when Carol makes a production of the ‘Tidy Towns’ competition. TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

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Emmerdale THINGS are not looking good for poor Jackson as he suffers another setback after failing ill.

KIDNAPPED Rhys begins to they return? panic when the mysterious new Jenny insists that he stole Meanwhile, Warren and from her. Mitzeee team up to try and trick Jenny. When a local She also claims to be Danny recognises Jenny, it becomes Houston’s sister and Warren clear that there is certainly confronts the feisty blonde. more to this girl than meets the eye. The Savages have taken residence at the McQueens’ Finally, Texas gets some whilst they’re on holiday, but action this week when she will the clan get them out of sets her sights on Dodger. the home once

Meanwhile Charity is left red faced this week when she performs a sexy dance for Jai upon his arrival home, but she doesn’t realise that Nikhil got an eyeful of the whole performance. John comes up with a plan to help raise money for Butler’s

farm, and Moira worries that he is risking everything. Scheming Kelly tells Jimmy that she’s planning on leaving, and Jimmy makes his choice by sleeping with her. Kelly further sinks her claws in when she suggests that Jimmy should divorce Nicola. Understandably, Carl is furious when Jimmy asks Kelly to move in with them.

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UK NEWS ANTI-SOCIAL BABY-HAVIOUR YOUNG louts in the UK are off cially getting younger after a pregnant woman’s unborn child was handed an Asbo. The letter was even addressed to Charlotte Childs’ baby by one of the names she and husband Damien, 29, are planning to give him. “I would love to know how a 36-week-old foetus has managed to go to the park and cause trouble without me noticing,” said the baff ed mum-to-be from Lincoln. “I f nd the whole thing hilarious, especially as I’m this close to having my f rst child.” Charlotte was even invited to attend a meeting to discuss her naughty son. Embarrassed police and council off cials have since apologised and claim the error was made because a local troublemaker has the same surname.

DEAD OR JUST KIDDING? SUNDERLAND’S top stay-away dad Keith Macdonald took poor parenting up a notch this week – by faking his own death after learning kid number nine was on the way. Jobless scummer Keith is believed to have fathered at least eight other kids from the area (all future Nobel prize winners no doubt) but his latest success at slipping one past the goalkeeper proved one too many. On learning the joyous news, the 25-year-old texted mum-tobe Clare Bryant pretending to be his f atmate. “Keith is dead” the message said simply. Naturally she made a string of calls to police and hospitals, before messaging his family on Facebook. She got some replies from his sister conf rming his death – but when

Clare pressed for answers, the sister turned a bit random and eventually accused her of driving Keith to suicide with her constant harassment. Two weeks later, Clare saw him alive and well on the streets of Houghton-LeSpring. “I went through hell. What sort of sick person pretends to have died?” said Clare. It’s a good question Clare. As is, what sort of person would have unprotected sex with someone like that? When The Sun caught up with Keith to question him about his nine children, he confounded them with his expert medical knowledge. He said only one kid was def nitely his “because they all have different coloured hair”. Genius.

SHEER BALLOONACY MORE young yob news this week following reports that a three-year-old was forced to leave Tesco after entering the store wielding a dangerous weapon. The weapon? A big blue balloon. Alicia Chrysostomou, from Bristol, was stopped by a security guard while shopping with son Sebastian in his pushchair. He said balloons were banned because they could cause a reaction if they brushed against someone with a latex allergy. “I’ve never heard of anyone having such a reaction that they couldn’t even walk past a balloon,” said Alicia. “Sebastian was sitting quietly with it tied to his pushchair – it’s not as if he was running amok.”

YOU’RE FIRED IN what we can only assume is a case of Sat-nav gone epically wrong, a team of London firefighters have just set the record for the longest journey in a fire-engine – after circumnavigating the globe. The 25-man crew set off last July from Greenwich and arrived back last week after crossing five continents and 28 countries, while covering 32,000 miles on land and 11,000 across seas. The trip has so far raised mor e than £100,000 for charity. During their trip several buildings in Greenwich burned down at an estimated cost of £750,000.

HOME RUN IF YOU were a criminal on the run and looking for somewhere safe to hide, where’s the last place the police would expect you to go? Amazingly, that line of thinking works just as well in real-life as it does in the movies after fugitive Colin Watts robbed a security guard and managed to evade the cops for 14 years – by living at his own home. In what would be the worst sequel to Catch Me If You Can imaginable, the 52-year-old thief baffled cops by putting his feet up at home in Liverpool for a decade before finally being arrested on an unrelated charge. Tom Hanks is already interested in buying the rights to the film.

There was a happy ending to the story however. Sebastian was arrested and jailed for eight to ten years. It’s the only way these bastards will learn.

Think you’re funny and could write stories for BBM? Why not give it a go? We’re always on the look-out for talented contributors. Email us at info@what-media.com 22

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UK NEWS TO BEE OR NOT TO BEE “MMM, mmm, mmm. Come on buzz me up to heaven baby.” Who could forget the opening lyrics of worldwide smash hit ‘Honey to the Bee’ which made a young Billie Piper a global superstar back in the 90s, alongside Madonna, Elton John and Steps? Well it turns out the man-named singer, who’s now more famous for getting her norks out in Secret Diary of a Call Girl, was strangely prophetic with her words after a twat who was stung by a bee decided to get his own back by petrol bombing 54,000 of the poor buggers in Devon this week. “It went up really quickly,” said one of the 17-year-old’s pals. “When I saw this I felt shocked. I did not think he was going to do it.”

Apparently the knobhead was trying to steal honey when the insects attacked him. He then returned to ‘teach them bees good’… we get the feeling he’s not the sharpest tool in the box.

IRON MAN DEATH-DEFIANCE and ironing don’t usually go hand in hand, but try telling that to the bloke from North London who hit the headlines back home this week.

IN these harsh f nancial times, we’re always reading stories about Britain’s armed forces being trimmed down – but this week Downing Street off cially went too far. Apparently military top brass have spent £10,167 on breast reductions for female soldiers so they can f t into their body armour. Now that’s what we call an atrocity of war. “It’s madness,” a boob-obsessed military source told the Daily Mirror. “We’re sending our boys out sometimes without enough kit yet these people are getting plastic surgery.” BBM is starting a campaign to make sure any more breasts due for reduction get a state funeral with full military honours. The ceremony would include the woman kneeling down and taking her top off in front of several trouserless marines. The Marines would then “stand to attention” and “discharge” their “weapons”… onto her tits.

The unidentif ed man was photographed in his dressing gown and slippers ironing in the middle of the M1 between junctions one and four at around 9am last Monday.

WHAT’S YOUR BEEF?

The section of Britain’s busiest motorway was closed at the time due to a f re at Mill Hill. Ironically, the man was knocked down and killed several hours later when he went back check if he’d left the plug in.

EVER tried to check a dead cow onto a flight from London to New York? It ain’t easy people.

DRUG FREE ASIDE from their various other troubles, drug dealers and junkies also suffer from a fairly bad PR problem. Well in their f rst step towards an image overhaul this week, charity shop staff at the Salvation Army were handed £1,000 of cocaine hidden inside a pair of donated trainers. Worker Julian Short, 48, called police after spotting the drug in a rolled-up sock at the store in Balham, South London.

SMALL PROBLEM

And despite the best attempts of a couple who tried to do just that this week (they’d even wrapped the carcass up on a trolley), they unsurprisingly weren’t allowed on the flight. Virgin Atlantic has now revealed a list of ‘bizarre’ items that passengers have attempted to check in – including a giant wheel of cheese, a car engine, a tarantula and one woman even wanted to bring her own bath onto the plane.

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UK NEWS SOME BLOODY GOOD NEWS HERE’S something the sophisticated BBM readers and writers need to hear. Apparently swearing considerably increases your ability to cope with pain. Well that’s our excuse and we’re sticking to it. Boffins at Keele University carried out experiments by getting a group of 71 students to shove their hands into icy buckets of water and hold them there for as long as they could bear, while swearing non-stop. Then they repeated the exercise, but kept their language clean. The results show that humans have greater pain endurance if they swear, because when the volunteers did so, they were able to hold their hands in the water for longer. So next time you stub your toe or bang yo ur shin on the coffee table remember it is imperative you repeat the words “Fuck-shit-bugger-bollocks-wank cumfinger” as a painfreeing mantra.

YELLOW PERIL WE’VE heard of the Yellow Brick Road, but the yellow-lined road? Really? The town centre of Barking, East London has become the victim of a health and safety meltdown, which has seen yellow lines painted down the high street in order to indicate where you should walk on the pavement. The yellow line interlopers have also shown up around trees and post boxes in order to “prevent people from walking in to them.” Local, Martin Harris said: “We have all managed until now to walk along the path without tripping over things in the way, so why do we suddenly need guidelines? It’s completely over the top and another sign of health and safety gone mad.” We do so enjoy seeing the government using our hard-earned cash so frivolously.

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IRISH NEWS IT’S OVER 2 U NOTHING compares 2 U claimed Sinead O’Connor (top right) back in the day – but it turns out the former baldy Pope-basher might have been f bbing. O’Connor has called time on her third marriage after reports that she’d split with husband Steve Cooney (bottom right), just eight months after they wed while on tour last summer in Europe. “Steve is lovely so it’s not his fault but mine. It was an extremely happy marriage,” said O’Connor unconvingcly. The mum of four has often spoken about her bipolar disorder. Until recently, she dealt with it by using medication but said she stopped because it resulted in her putting on weight. “I didn’t mind putting on weight – the problem is strangers telling me I was fat. That was hard on our marriage,” said the fat whale.

A WHOLE OTTER TROUBLE A LOST otter with a taste for Tayto crisps has been successfully returned to a lake near Tulla in east Clare – but only after biting the shit out of anyone who tried to help it. Farmer Joe Burke was the f rst to try and help the ungrateful animal. “Initially, the otter had its head in a Tayto bag and I thought it was at risk of suffocating. It was an emergency,” he said. The otter did bite, but it is a small superf cial mark. It’s only a small scrape.” He was joined on the rescue mission by his friend Mike Hogan, but the otter was “very aggressive”. “There was a crowd gathering at this stage beside the courthouse in Tulla and we then got a canvas bag with the idea of bringing the otter out to a local lake,” said Burke. “We put the otter into the canvas bag and tied it and put it into my jeep.” But the little bastard managed to escape by biting his way out of the bag – before eventually being trapped once and for all in a traff c cone. Those wardens will get you every time.

TROUBLED WATERS SUMMER might be around the corner and Clifden beach in Galway may look perfect for a nice cooling dip – but potential bathers have been warned off because the area doesn’t have a sewage treatment facility. In other words, the sea around there is full of turds and used condoms. “Stricter standards will be introduced under legislation, which means greater efforts will be needed to ensure our bathing waters are clean and f t for people to swim in,” said director general Dr Mary Kelly while holding her nose and doing the ‘pooey’ wave with her other hand.

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HE’S DEAD FAT A CORONER has recommended that, for future reference, it might be an idea to get people to specify how heavy they are when calling for an ambulance – after one bloke died following a heart attack because he couldn’t f t in the f rst two ambulances that were sent for him. Now that is one fat bastard. A total of three ambulances were ultimately sent to pick up Noel Martin of Carrickmacross - who weighed more than 120kg and suffered from multiple ailments including morbid obesity, MRSA, diabetes, heart disease, kidney problems, arthritis and chronic depression. We get the impression he might have been on his way out anyway.

ROYAL MISTAKE? TAOISEACH Enda Kenny has told British Prime Minister David Cameron that their could be a public backlash when the Queen visits Ireland next month. “There may be a small measure of protest,” he said. In other news, bears shit in woods and f re burns things.

WORLD NEWS WANKER, WANKER PANTS ON FIRE EVER rubbed it so hard you thought it might burst into f ames? Finally a story BBM can really relate to. A San Francisco man is suffering third-degree burns and a mad case of shame after he burst into f ames while batting off in a porn shop. No. Really. Arson experts are still unsure what caused the f re but police have conf rmed that the man (pictured) was

watching videos in a private booth when he ran from the shop engulfed in f ames. Firef ghters who were either saving a cat or shooting a calendar only a block away at the time rushed to the scene to put out the blaze. “That sick fuck got what was coming to him,” said God, as he checked on Mary’s hymen and scheduled rain for Mardi Gras.

LIKE RAIN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY... IRONICALLY, it turns out Alanis Morissette can predict the future. A man who won a $2 million dollar lottery prize has died, you guess it, the very next day. His four children are so distraught that they are distracting themselves from the grief by arguing over who is entitled to a share in the cash. Son Stephen claims that he bought a share of his father’s winning

ticket but, you know, he can’t really prove anything, because of the dad being dead and all. In other news, Mr PlayIt-Safe has cancelled his f ights for fear that all of Ms Morissette’s predictions will be realised. “I tried to warn you guys,” said Alanis as she looked up ironic in the dictionary.

AN Iraq-serving solider stopped an attempted car robbery at his home this week, by attacking the robbers naked. Lance Corporal Wayne O’Mahoney found three masked men had broken into his home, and stolen the car keys to his partner’s new sports car. Upon hearing the noise, O’Mahoney smashed the window of the car before struggling with the thief. It was only after neighbours started staring that the ex-soldier realised he was completely starkers. “They thought I had lost it - they could just see a naked man shouting at a car. I hadn’t even realised I was naked, but there were people up and down the street looking out of the windows and pointing.” In unrelated news, Obama has announced new guidelines for soliders to defeat terrorists; tackle them with your tackle out.

IT has emerged this week that an American mailman was suspended following video footage of him delivering his bowels in the garden of someone’s home. The postal worker (pictured below) was videotaped by Don Derf er, who was watching through his window at his home when he saw his mail man drop his kegs and squatting in a nearby garden. Derf er commented: “He started pulling his pants down and started defecating. At that point, I grabbed my camera and started taking pictures. This is how they respect our property? It’s just not right, and it’s also a biohazard.” Biohazard it may be, but it’s just downright rude when your loyal postman delivers a shitty package midway through his shift. The US Postal Service is clearly not happy, with a spokesperson commenting “We’re taking this very seriously, and I really want to apologise to our customers and the public at large. For the years that I’ve worked for the Postal Service, I’ve never heard of an incident like this and I hope I never do again.” When a guy’s gotta go, he’s gotta go!

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WORLD NEWS ‘TIL DIVORCE COURT DO WE PART

MARRIAGE can be diff cult. That’s why BBM would never enter into such a souldestroying, sexless union. Anyway, we’re having trouble f nding anyone to agree to it. The good news is we’ll probably never f nd ourselves arrested at divorce court. Win! 28-year-old divorcee and trainee psychopath Paul Gonzalez was a model of restraint as he left his divorce hearing

calmly and quietly.

Pity he came back and started punching his ex in the face in front of the judge and lawyers. Smooth. In a string of positive choices Gonzalez then refused to be hand-cuffed and was instead tasered. Twice. He is now charged with felony battery, domestic violence and resisting arrest.

IF you insist on taking your young child hunting it’s probably best not to dress them in camouf age, unless you want them to get shot. The over-protective father was shocked when his child was shot by another hunting party who mistook him for a turkey. He was even more shocked when the kid survived the ordeal. The f ve-year-old was hit by over a dozen pellets in his head, chest and legs but was responsive at the scene. “Next time I’ll dress him up like a deer,” vowed dad as he paid the kid not to tell mum.

“She started it,” he sobbed.

H IS FOR HAMMER

WHEN BBM was at school we loved nothing more than a good old fashioned f st-f ght at lunch times. How times have changed. The parents of a Kailua High School student are pretty damn pissed-off after their son was injured at school during a wood shop class. After he was hit on the head with a hammer. By a teacher.

funeral instead of a graduation this year,” said mum Mrs. Bitanga, “I just thank God he wasn’t seriously injured.” Thank God? How about thanking the school security guard who conf scated the teacher’s machete and shotgun earlier in the day.

“Graduation? That kid will be lucky if he can count to ten when I’m done with him,” said the teacher as he sharpened his chisel.

Oh dear.

Another little rummy has been taken to hospital in the States after being served alcohol at a restaurant. After four-yearold Brooklyn complained that her milkshake didn’t taste good, Mother Tyree discovered the milkshake was actually an alcoholic mudslide.

India’s Supreme Court has got all carried away with political correctness and banned traveling circuses from employing children. “This will ruin business for me,” said one disgruntled circus owner. “Adults just don’t f t inside the lion’s mouth.”

“My son is a senior. I could be going to a

BEFORE you ask, no, we’re not recycling stories from two weeks ago.

SOME people spoil all the fun. It’s a rite of passage for a child to work in the circus pretending to be a midget. Right?

Yes, all Americans give their children stupid names they’ve stolen from the Beckhams. After Brooklyn began to doze off at the table police advised that she be taken to hospital.

The lucky little tykes are often trained to perform high-wire acrobatic acts, juggling and other cool stunts. But not anymore. The government is commencing raids on all performing companies to nab the minors. They will then be relocated to more appropriate areas of work such as sweatshops and child pornography.

“Fuck that,” said Tyree, “this is the cheapest baby-sitter ever! What’d you put in this, Baileys?”

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SYDNEY WHAT’S ON

MISSED Satoshi Tomiie on Easter Thursday? No need to weep all Easter as there’s a bunch of events at Tank Nightclub over the long weekend, one of your last chances to party before Tank closes its doors for good. What better way to sign off the end of an era than with a huge long weekend party featuring one of the major house brands on the international scene – Ministry Of Sound’s Housexy (Easter Sunday), headlined one of the most exciting DJ’s on the international circuit – Space Ibiza resident Jonathan Ulysses. This will be followed by the last RNB Superclub at Tank on Friday, April 29th, headlined by G-Wizard and Def Rock.

Jethro Tull THE Scottish band will play many classic songs from their 43 years worth of catalogue. The tour will also mark the 40 year anniversary of the album Aqualung, with the band performing many of its tracks. If you have never seen Jethro Tull live, now is your best chance - a must before their talented front man Ian Anderson f nally hangs up his tights and f ute!

Where: Tank Nightclub Bridge Street, Sydney

If you are a hardcore or casual fan, you must see the 2011 reincarnation of this history-making band. When: Thursday, April 21st Where: State Theatre Cost: $76

THE legendary Bob Dylan is coming to Sydney to perform his myriad of hit singles and chart topping folk rock songs. Bob is one of the greatest musicians to walk the face of the planet and it would be an absolute travesty to not go watch him live when he performs. When: Wednesday, April 27th Where: Entertainment Centre Cost: $97

S.A.S.H will open their doors in Sydney at a unique and rarely used venue in Surry Hills, the White Horse. The entire top f oor will be sectioned off for a nine hour Sunday session. With an outdoor “smoker friendly” heated roof terrace, two bars, lounges, a local line up with a punch & a Funktion One sound system to keep things tight. Sunday fun awaits. When: Sunday, May 1st Where: The White Horse

SOUTHERN rock band ZZ Top will be in Sydney this upcoming week to perform all of their smash hits. ZZ Top are one of the best bands of their time and also the most easily recognisable by their iconic long beards, so make sure you make room on your schedule to see them. When: Wednesday, April 27th Where: Enmore Theatre Cost: $99

SIR Bob Geldof will perform a one-off charity concert in Sydney to help victims of the recent disasters in Australia, New Zealand and Japan. The philanthropic pop star will headline the Rock and Rebuild fundraiser, with support from local acts Jon Stevens and Danielle Spencer. When: Sunday, May 1st Where: Star City Cost: $150

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MELBOURNE NEWS THE MELBOURNE CHILL OVER ten people’s latte-sipping lifestyles were interrupted in Melbourne when a bunch of neighbours started suffering dizziness, nausea and coughing. At f rst they assumed it was mothballs from their trendy op-shopped outf ts but it was soon revealed to be caused by an enthusiastic chilli nut a few doors down. Paramedics were called to treat residents after the fumes from next door’s chilli cook-off became unbearable. “At one stage there was a large number of people standing in the street and we didn’t know what had caused them to become ill,” said intensive care paramedic David Llewelyn.

BBM is starting to think that Melbourne residents keep really strange things in their backyards. A man is looking a bit of a twat in hospital after being stung over 40 times by bees he was keeping out the back of his house in Moonee Ponds. Instead of maybe leaving the bees alone and backing away slowly the amateur beekeeper decided to mix it up a bit and move them around.

“It affected houses up to 150 metres away due to the still air.”

When he accidentally shattered a hive the bees went for it and stung him on the face, chest and abdomen.

“Fucking pussies,” said the chilli enthusiast as he rubbed some Guatemalan insanity peppers on his balls.

“At least they’re all dead now,” he whimpered.

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MELBOURNE Melbourne is one of Australia’s most popular cities, known best for its niche art and music scene. Salted with some of the greatest underground DJ’s, vocal artists, venues, and visited by some of the biggest artists of all time, the city is never without nightlife. You and your mates are guaranteed a good time, good eats, and good memories. Whether you are lucky enough to live in Melbourne, or are just in town for a visit, there are heaps of cool places to see and things to do. And, being the expert of all things that are great, BBM has compiled a list of places to go and events that are a must-do. Take our advice on this one; you’ll be glad that you did.

PALAIS THEATRE

29TH APARTMENT

29th Apartment is a unique bar that resembles a New York style apartment. It is inspired by lady of the night, Katishe, a tortuous, struggling artist who mysteriously disappeared in the 80’s. Katishe walked the streets at night and would take clients back to her apartment where they would marvel at all her abstract paintings that adorned the walls. Infatuated by underground street art, most of Katishe’s paintings tell stories from the streets of NYC, the city that never sleeps.

Hosting over 90 shows a year, the theatre that is most adored for its ambiance is also the largest theatre in A Australia, seating 2896 patrons. Whether you are a diehard rock music fan or a lover of ballet, Palais Theatre has you covered. Playing host to live music, comedy, variety, dance, opera, orchestral, f lm, community, childrens and charity performances, it would be hard to f nd something you wouldn’t enjoy.

BILLBOARD THE VENUE

In the business of entertainment for over 40 years, Billboard has already been graced by two generations of Melburnians.

With all its experience and knowledge of entertainment, Billboard is without a doubt a f rst choice venue. Playing full on classic rock, indie/ electro, in your face metal, punk and grunge, there is a scene for people of every genre and, the tone is always intense. The venue has also hosted some of the worlds best dance artists.

VELUDO

Veludo has just upped the ante once again by changing its look and creating a class all of its own. The atmosphere is cozy and seductive yet relaxed and funky and is a goldmine of good times in Melbourne’s dining scene. Several different feasting, grazing, lounging and drinking areas invite you to step off the busy Acland Street and unwind in the new Veludo. The casual downstairs bar and eatery is a great place to meet friends and relax. Upstairs is more of an elegant affair, perfect for a romantic meal. MORE NEXT WEEK...

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St. Kilda Film Festival RUNNING over six days, the Festival will showcase Australia’s ‘Top 100’ short f lms, SoundKILDA – a music video extravaganza, plus international short f lm programs from Germany, The Netherlands, Ireland and a special collection of f lms from Israeli and Palestinian f lmmakers. St Kilda Film Festival is Australia’s longest running and largest competitive short f lm event in Australia, supporting up-and-comingf lmmakers by presenting their work as well as conducting a range of open and interactive events including an Industry Open Day to connect f lmmakers with the industry as well as a number of free forums hosted by industry practitioners. In addition, the ‘Top 100’ Australian short f lms are eligible to win $40,000 worth of cash and in-kind craft awards, with the winner of HOUSE OF PAIN, the rowdy Irish-American hip-hop group from Boston, will bring their f ery live show to Australia as a part of their 20th anniversary world tour. It was 1992 when the group released of one of the most memorable songs in hip-hop history, Jump Around. In 2011, they’re ready to do it all over again. When: Friday, April 29th Where: Prince Bandroom Cost: $50

THE Bamboos are generally acknowledged as Australia’s greatest modern Funk & Soul band. The eight-piece line-up, led by guitarist Lance Ferguson and featuring the powerhouse vocals of Kylie Auldist, are renowned for their blistering, high energy live sets which have kept people dancing all the way from Byron Bay to Bratislava. When: Friday, May 6th Where: The Espy Front Bar Cost: Free

WHAT’S ON the Best Film being awarded $10,000 cash – the richest cash prize in Australian short f lm. Competition sessions are packed with the best of Aussie shorts featuring some well known names and faces. Nash Edgerton presents the world premiere of his new short Bear written by David Michod (Animal Kingdom), Angus Sampson stars in Pop and There’s a Hippopotamus on our Roof Eating Cake, Paul Capsis stars in Oscar’s First Kiss, Josh Lawson lines up alongside Damon Herriman in Pet; Marg Downey comes into focus in Us, while Gracie Otto directs her dad Barry in Seamstress. The full program will be available online from Thursday 5 May. When: Between May 24 - 29th Where: The Astor and Palais Theatres Cost: From $16

THE f rst Melbourne season of Not Quite Cabaret is now open! The show will feature six short plays including Little Blue - when your relationship has beached, can you make it back out to sea? Also, Crush - A steamy tale of off ce lust and obsession. A night full of laughter guaranteed. When: Sunday, April 25th Where: Soho, Kings Cross Cost: From $25 TOURING on the back of their fourth studio album in their iconic career, Where Did The Night Fall, Unkle will bring their unique live sound to Australia for the f rst time since 2008’s Big Day Out. The most recent incarnation of Unkle contains inf uences from psychedelic rock to afrobeat, and continues their outstanding history of collaboration with a dynamic roster of collaborators. When: Friday, April 29th Where: Billboard Cost: $63

EASYSTAY GROUP Motel rooms from $89 per night. Studio Apartments from $99 per night. Come and stay in Sunny Seaside St. Kilda and bring the kids. Up to 2 children under the age of 12 can stay free of charge when sharing with full paying adults. Close to Luna Park and St Kilda Beach Reception is at 63 Fitzroy Street, St Kilda Ph: 1300 301 730 stay@easystay.com.au www.easystay.com.au * Valid until 31 August 2011. Offer is subject to availability and not valid over peak or event periods. Picture is of a studio apartment

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MELBOURNE GREAT OCEAN ROAD

The Great Ocean Road in Victoria is undeniably one of the most beautiful and majestic stretches of road in all of Australia. At nearly 250 kilometres long, the Great Ocean Road offers the unique opportunity to drive through the windy coastline of Victoria while at the same time being able to witness the beauty of the Southern Ocean on one side, and the Otway Mountain ranges on the other. The Great Ocean Road is your only ticket to experience the beauty that the “Twelve Apostles” rock formations hold. The formations are absolutely breathtaking, the result of thousands of years of the ocean and wind eroding the weaker limestone areas. Also along the Great Ocean Road is the world’s famous Bells Beach, in case you fancy stopping and spending a day at the spectacular beach. Last but certainly not least, the Great Ocean Road offers many opportunities for those adrenaline junkies out there, such as surf ng and hangliding.

PHILLIP ISLAND

Have you heard about that small island in Australia where every day thousands of penguins emerge from the ocean and walk across the beach? That place is none other than Phillip Island. Named after the f rst governor of New South Wales, Phillip Island is one of the premier tourist locations in all of Victoria. The island is home to some of the best surf ng in Australia and can accommodate surfers of all skill levels. The Island is also home to a few famous rock formations such as the nobbies, pinnacles, and pyramid rock. If you are a fan of motorsports, the island is also home to the annual Australian Motorcycle Grand Prix which is held in either September or October every year, a must-see for sports fans around the country. Phillip Island is such a beautiful place and should be seen in every way possible, which brings us to helicopter tours of the island. Helicopter tours are notoriously fun and educational, and they can be experienced at a fairly low cost. Last, but certainly not least, if you are in Australia and you still have not seen a koala bear, Phillip Island has a very cool conservation centre for these furry little creatures.

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PERTH WHAT’S ON

BBM is more excited about the Michael Jackson HIStory show than Macaulay Culkin was when he heard MJ had been acquitted of all charges. The show is said to be the product of more than 25 years of dedication towards the man’s music.

FRESH off Good Vibrations, you can’t help but dance when Yolanda Be Cool hit the stage. It would be a shame if you didn’t see Yolanda Be Cool while they are in Perth for the last time. When: Easter Monday Where: Ambar Nightclub

When: Thursday, April 28th Where: Mandurah Performing Arts Centre

HOT off their most successful album to date, Escape the Fate will be in Perth to rock the stage and continue their success as an up and coming band. The band gained fame by winning a competition to open for My Chemical Romance, which was judged by the band themselves. When: Easter Sunday Where: Astor Theatre Cost: $62

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QUEENSLAND WHAT’S ON

Hugh Cornwell FORMER Stranglers front man Hugh Cornwell will tour with a show that will feature two sets. The f rst set will feature a collection of Stranglers hits and classic solo material, with the second featuring The Stranglers seminal debut album Rattus Norvegicus IV being performed in its entirety for the f rst time in Australia. When: Friday, April 29th Where: The Hi-Fi

Tim & Jean THROUGHOUT 2010 Tim and Jean were constantly on the road; performing at Future Music, Splendour in the Grass, Southbound, Laneway, Fat as Butter, Field Day and The Falls Festival, as well as touring with La Roux, Art vs. Science, Operator Please, Two Door Cinema Club, Franz Ferdinand and Moby. Tim and Jean have a lot of air miles ahead this year with the release of their debut album Like What and this Australian tour before heading to tour the UK and North America in May and June. When: Thursday, April 28th Where: Coolangatta Hotel Cost: $15

HEAVY metal icons Disturbed will be returning for their massive ‘Music As A Weapon 2011’ tour and are ready to annihilate arena stages, much to the satisfaction of their legions of fans.

THIS dynamic young comedienne hailing from London via Nigeria has taken the comedy world by storm since her debut. In a few short years, she has made numerous appearances on television, radio and the big screen.

When: Saturday, April 30th Where: Brisbane Entertainment Centre Cost: $92

When: April 28th - 30th Where: Paddo Tavern

ARDAL O’Hanlon, although best known for his starring roles in the sitcoms, Father Ted and My Hero, is f rst and foremost an ace stand-up comedian.

SO much more than an acapella group, Naturally 7 combine gospel, Motown, hip hop, rap, drum and bass, beatboxing and soulful R&B in style they’ve named vocal play.

When: Wednesday, April 27th Where: The Tivoli Cost: $53

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QUEENSLAND FITZROY ISLAND ALTHOUGH not far from Cairns, Fitzroy Island seems like a whole other world. It’s too bad clicking your heels won’t get you there, but a 45 minute ferry ride from Cairns is just as well. Simply sit back, take a quick snooze, and when you wake up, you will f nd yourself in one of the best places Australia has to offer. Close to the heart of Queensland, Fitzroy Island is surrounded by a reef system that forms part of the Great Barrier Reef Marine Park, making it the perfect place for exploring the reef. The gentle, hilly terrain inland makes for great walking throughout the whole island, including to the two main beaches, the highest vantage point on the island, and the lighthouse at the Eastern end. The atmosphere of the Island has always been a relaxed, friendly, barefoot destination for visitors from around the world to explore and adventure. Fitzroy Island is the perfect laidback holiday destination with peaceful white sandy beaches and sheltered waters, which are ideal for swimming, water sports, yachting, and boating. So peaceful.

visitors. Clear skies, gentle winds and warm weather will make your stay in Far North Queensland enjoyable; this trip is the total package! (Wizard and yellow brick road sold separately.)

SOMEWHERE OVER THE TREES (AND UNDER THE WATER)

Unfortunately Fitzroy Island doesn’t have f ying monkeys, but that’s alright, because they smell bad and would probably annoy you on your vacation. However, Fitzroy Island National Park is home to a diversity of animal life on the island and in the surrounding waters. Ninety-seven percent of the four square kilometre continental island is National Park, covered in tropical rainforest, freely accessible to the public through a time-honored network of walking trails. On the Island, various unique species of birds f y in this tropical region, such as emerald doves, sulphur-crested cockatoos, orangefooted scrub fowls, ospreys, buff-breasted paradise kingf shers and pied imperial-pigeons, oh my! In the water, colourful hard and soft corals and a variety of marine animals can be found amongst the fringing reef just metres from the beach.

Don’t fear, the weather in Cairns for most of the year is ideal for

CONTINUED ON PAGE 48

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QUEENSLAND FOLLOW THE BROWN DIRT TRAIL

Link arms with your mates and skip down some of the best walking trails in Oz. Walking the trails is one of the most excellent ways to explore and experience the different rainforest f ora and fauna on the Island. There are f ve main walking trails in Fitzroy Island National Park that range from 30 minutes to 3 hours, each at varying f tness levels, so anyone can enjoy the hike.

SWIM & SNORKEL

Snorkeling and swimming are accessible at Welcome Bay and Nudey Beach. This gives you the perfect opportunity to explore the beautiful colours of the fringing reef and the marine life which include Nemo the clown f sh and green sea turtles. Righteous.

STAY AT FITZROY ISLAND

For a beautiful night under the stars, you can camp overnight at Fitzroy Island Campgrounds from $29/night. The campgrounds include showers, toilets and BBQ facilities, as well as picnic tables. But, if you prefer a little air conditioning and enforced walls between you and the trees, you can stay at

the lovely Fitzroy Island Resort. The resort facilities include a contemporary restaurant, large pool with a pool bar and swim up bar, internet cafe, games room, indoor movie theatre, resort mini supermarket and wellness area.

SEA KAYAKING

Paddling the unspoilt shores of Fitzroy Island in a sea kayak is def nitely one of the best activities you can do and no experience is necessary. The kayak is two-man, and you kayak around stopping at Little Fitzroy Island for lunch, a snorkel and a climb to the top of the island! The island is covered in lush rainforest that descends dramatically into crystal-clear water, where tropical f sh present a rainbow of colour through the coral surrounding the island. Embark on this guided sea kayaking tour, and you will be taken to places which are only accessible by water. Just be sure that you take a hat and plenty of sunscreen, because otherwise you will get seriously burnt. So, whoever the wicked witch is in your life, leave her at home and get out to see the stress-free and beautiful Fitzroy Island!

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QUEENSLAND JET SKI SAFARIS NEAR the Gold Coast in Queensland? Heck, at the very least you are in Australia. What that means? You have to make your way out to the Gold Coast, and check out BBM’s favourite jet ski tour company; Jet Ski Safaris. Jet Ski Safaris are unquestionably the premier jet ski service in the Gold Coast, and all of Australia. Not only are Jet Ski Safaris super accommodating, but they are equipped with the most kind and caring staff imaginable. The staff work tirelessly to assist patrons of all skill levels, so whether it is your f rst time jet skiing or you are a seasoned professional, Jet Ski Safaris will be able to help you.

STH STRADDIE ISLAND ADVENTURE Blast your way along the beautiful sub-tropical shores of South Stradbroke Island. You’ll head North for a good 20 km weaving your way up along the Island before turning back to ride the 20 km home. If time allows, Jet Ski Safari will throw in a little extra and stop off for snorkelling along the way.

TWO HOUR TOUR Veer off the beaten track and get right out there amongst it all. It’s a full-on mission that will have you on the edge of your ski! Follow Jet Ski Safari through the narrow high tide passages that whip and snake their way around through miles of untamed mangroves and f ood plains right up to North Straddie. This trip boasts a good 80 km round. On your way back you’ll pull into a little Island pub for a break where you can have a splash and a nice cold drink.

The company offer a myriad of tours that can accommodate almost any desired length. One of BBM’s favourite things about Jet Star Safaris is not only do they offer the best jet ski tours in Australia, but they are able to do so at an unparalleled price, not to mention all of their tours are guided by a highly trained professional. One simply cannot beat the price and quality of service that the company has to offer. BBM’s favourite jet ski tour is The Straddie Island Adventure, one of the coolest things you could ever experience. While on this tour you will be able to straddle the beautiful coastline of South Stradbroke Island for about 20 kilometres, you will next turn around and head back to your starting destination, but time permitting, you will be able to go for a dip and snorkel in the marine rich waters that surround the Island. While the Straddie Island Adventure may sound like fun, The Two Hour Tour is undoubtedly the granddaddy of all jet ski tours; during this tour you will race around the beautiful waters of the Gold Coast with a total distance travelled in the ballpark of about 80km. While making your way toward the beautiful North Stradbroke Island you will get to witness f rst-hand the unparalleled high tide passages that will whip you around as they snake through a plethora of mangroves. While you travel back to Jet Ski Safaris’ headquarters, the instructor will guide you to a small island pub where you can stop and get something to drink or even take a dip into the majestic clear waters of the Gold Coast. Escape to your own paradise; choose your own adventure with the jet ski hire specialists, Gold Coast Jet Ski Safaris… the ultimate adventure!

With big hairpin bends and Aussie f ora and fauna around every turn it’s a ride that you’ll never forget. Expect the unexpected on the pride of all trips as the boys often throw in something special.

TESTIMONIAL “I would like to thankyou all for the awesome experience of the Jet Ski Safari on Friday 25th June 2010 from your Gold Coast base. I can honestly say it was the Best Adventure time I have ever had. It certainly gives one the ultimate adrenalin rush. IT was just so so good, a ride I will remember forever” John L

JET SKI SAFARIS Phone / Fax: (07) 55263111 Mobile: 0409754538 Website: jetskisafaris.com.au Email: info@jetskisafaris.com.au

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QUEENSLAND GOLD COAST ADVENTURE ALL you adrenaline junkies out there, BBM is now here to cater to your addiction. There is no better place in Australia to quench your thirst for adrenaline than the Gold Coast. Not only is the Gold Coast home to the most theme parks in the southern hemisphere, but it is also home to many other exciting activities which include; jet boating, ballooning, motorcycle tours, jet skiing and parasailing.

JET BOATING

Jet boating is one of the most extreme things that can be done on water. From the massive sideways slides to the mind boggling 270 degree turns, you will never experience a dull moment throughout the entire duration of the ride.

make sure you invite all of your mates. BBM advises you to exercise your options and check out all of the different companies that operate jet boats on the Gold Coast, as some may even offer you a group discount if you play your cards right.

BALLOONING

Remember when you were a little kid and you dreamed of f ying high in the air via balloons? Well now it is possible, with the fast growing popularity of hot air balloons many now have the chance to fulf ll a childhood dream. While on a hot air balloon, not only are you able to climb to altitudes of up to 1,500 feet, but you are also given the unique opportunity to see the ground below you from a non-conventional viewpoint. Going ballooning is something that the whole family can enjoy and no need to worry about it taking up too much time on your holiday, several trip durations are available and some companies may offer f exible durations on a case by case basis.

Jet boats on the Gold Coast typically can accommodate groups of up to 15 people, so if you do not want to do this experience alone, CONTINUED ON PAGE 54

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.com.au

CAIRNS

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QUEENSLAND MOTORCYCLE TOURS

You would be a fool to venture to the Gold Coast and not look into booking a motorcycle tour of the city.

The Gold Coast might just be the coolest place in Australia to ride a motorcycle in; many companies have set up shop in the Gold Coast to bring people on premade guided tours and some companies even offer tours that are tailored to the wants and needs of groups. There is nothing in the world like sitting back on a Harley, and feeling the wind blow through your hair as the engine, pistons and pipes of the bike all come together to make a symphony of loud crackling noises that turn the heads of pedestrians everywhere.

JET SKIING

The aforementioned are things that are almost guaranteed to happen to you while you cruise through the water on your jet ski, while jet skiing can be expensive, if you look around and f nd the right company, you will be able to f nd really fair prices on the Gold Coast.

PARASAILING

Parasailing offers you the unique opportunity to soar above the Gold Coastâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s skyline at 100 metres, while you look straight down at the water and spot marine life just below. Parasailing will undoubtedly be one of the coolest experiences of your life; it is one of those things that you have to do at least once before you leave Australia. While the Gold Coast offers all of the aforementioned activities at particularly fair prices, BBM advises you to do some personal research to f gure out a few activities to partake in that are not mentioned above. As always, be safe and have a blast!

Right alongside parasailing and jet boating, jet skiing is one of the most fun things available on water; whoever invented it is an absolute genius. Imagine travelling at speeds up to 110kph with crystal-clear water behind you, the wind blowing in your hair and warm water slashing around everywhere while you have the time of your life.

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$27

per person

max 4 ppl

PRIVATE ROOM access to Ferntree Rainforest Hostel guests have full the Ferntree Rainforest Lodge facilities THE OYEAH! FACTORS:

ËTwo Swimming Pools ËMini-Fridge in All Rooms ËBBQ Facilities

ËVolleyball Court ËTV Lounge ËTour Booking Service

FROM

$75

twin share

max 2 ppl

ËClose to Food Store and Pharmacy ËShort walk to PK’s Jungle Bar ËCassowary Cafe – Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner FERNTREE RAINFOREST HOSTEL SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES

Free Call:

1800 075 125 (Calls within Australia)

Cairns

.COM.AU

Townsville

OCEANS Y OUTH & E CO ADVEN T U RE H

OSTELS

DORM

BEDS BEDS DORM

$27

FROM FROM

per person

per maxperson 4 ppl

DOUBLE ROOM PRIVATE ROOM FROM FROM

$75

An island escape on the mainland

max share 2 ppl twin

THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËTwo Pristine Pools ËSpa ËFree WiFi

ËBBQ Facilities ËGames Room ËOceans Bar & Grill

twin share (max 2 ppl)

ËEnsuite with Mini-fridge ËTV & DVD Player in the Chill Room ËShopping Centre & Supermarket next door ËTour Booking Service

BAREFOOT LODGE LONG ISLAND

Airlie Beach Hostel DORM BEDS FROM

$27

per person

max 4 ppl

PRIVATE ROOM

Barefoot Lodge guests have full access to the Long Island Resort’s facilities

FROM

$75

THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËSwim-up Pool Bar and Lap Pool ËAmazing Beach frontage ËSpa ËFish/Bird Feeding

ËGames Room Ë20 kms of Rainforest Walking Tracks ËDaily Activities and Nightly Entertainment ËSnorkelling

ËWatersports (additional charge) ËTour Booking Service ËFan Cooled Rooms ËTennis

Free Call:

1800 075 125 (Calls within Australia)

twin share

max 2 ppl

Cairns

.COM.AU

LONG ISLAND BAREFOOT LODGE

Townsville Airlie Beach

CLUB CROC HOSTEL

RECRUITMENT

BBM-605 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

Healthy Volunteers Wanted

Fit

A non smoker If you are:

18-50 years

Healthy

And interested in helping with medical research

Please Call us

1800 475 475 OR Email: volunteers.4.trials@gsk.com Reimbursement for time & expenses will be available (limitations may apply to reimbursement) GlaxoSmithKline Medicines Research Unit Prince of Wales Hospital, Parkes Building Level 10 East Hight Street Randwick, NSW, 2031 Our clinical trials are approved by the SESI窶年orthern Network Research Ethics Committee: Reference No. 03/251

JLU200301 Print 32 version 1, 09 October, 2008

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To apply for these roles please e-mail your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Sydney Jobs

Apply to tc@freespirit.com.au

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MEDIA SALES CONSULTANT $22 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLES)

CLAIMS $22 PER HOUR (3 MONTH ROLES)

Our client is a newly established on-line media agency seeking a number of experienced outbound call consultants to join their small but busy North Sydney media team.

Leading Australian Insurance company requires reliable travelers for contract role;

You will possess; â&#x20AC;˘ Excellent communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ Highly motivated individual â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Friendly personality This is a great role calling an existing client base. Full training provided.

â&#x20AC;˘ Must have Insurance Claims experience, Home & Content preferred â&#x20AC;˘ Strong Microsoft Office and communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ CBD location â&#x20AC;˘ Young and friendly team, nice offices â&#x20AC;˘ $22 plus super â&#x20AC;˘ Start now for 3 months with a view to extend to 6 months

TELESALES CONSULTANTS $21 PER HOUR

ACCOUNTS PAYABLE/RECEIVABLE $24-$26 PER HOUR

Our Client is seeking experienced Telesales Consultantâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s with the following criteria:

Do you have accounts payable/receivable experience?? We have clients in the city seeking candidates for immediate start.

â&#x20AC;˘ Minimum of 6 months call centre experience â&#x20AC;˘ English fluency â&#x20AC;˘ Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity â&#x20AC;˘ Strong experience with an aggressive sales attitude â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Financial Services Background would be a Bonus

The ideal candidate will; â&#x20AC;˘ Thrive in a busy environment â&#x20AC;˘ High attention to detail â&#x20AC;˘ At least 2 years experience â&#x20AC;˘ Ability to prioritize workload Assignments are up to 6 months paying $24-$26 an hour. To apply for these roles please email your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Already have a job and want more money? Call 1300 freespirit to ask us about LAFHA.

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JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA THINK YOU’RE FUNNIER THAN US? BBM is looking for some new contributors. Want to get you work published in a National magazine and website whilst earning concert tickets, bar tabs, free travel trips, etc. Email ben. harlum@what-media.com or call 02 8231 7706

MELBOURNE PROMOTIONAL STAFF. call centre work available to promote electricity and gas. simple work and great money. full time training provided - no experience needed. melbourne work only. call Jerry on 03 9867 6322

SYDNEY TELEMARKETERS – SMILE WHILE YOU DIAL! Working Holidaymakers needed for our EASTERN SUBURBS OFFICE. Must be enthusiastic, confi dent, well spoken and able to follow instructions. No experience necessary - Full training given. Base + Commission + Bonus Paid Weekly. Call Steve Now on 1300 657 362

Call Centre - Travellers Wanted! Our Client is seeking travellers with fantastic customer service and sale skills for a 6-8 temp assignment. Your role will be generating leads on behalf of a well established global client through warm and cold calling. Paying $22 Plus Super If you think you are right for the role then please send your detailed resume to tc@freespirit.com.au

DATA ENTRY POSITIONS AVAILABLE NOW!

Working Holiday Makers needed for our EASTERN SUBURBS OFFICE. Must be Enthusiastic, have a Good Typing Speed, and able to Follow Instructions. Full Training Given. Paid Weekly. Call Steve Now on 1300 657 362

INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT

is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: Warehousing, Labouring, Stores, Process Work, Green card and safety boots are an advantage – however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email sarah@ industriousrecruitment.com.au or contact Sarah @ (02) 9270 5257

DATA ENTRY OFFICER – TRAVELLERS WELCOME!! Our Client is seeking an experienced Data Entry Offi cer with the following criteria: Minimum of 1 year work experience. English fl uency. Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity. Not on Student Visa. If you believe you are the right candidate for this role please forward your resume through to mailto:tc@freespirit.com.au

MARKETING & ADMIN ASSISTANT, CENTRAL SYDNEY. Sports TV Channel Setanta requires an offi ce all-rounder to sup port the marketing and programming managers and perform general offi ce and admin tasks. Must have good verbal and written communication skills and general computer skills. Interest in sport an advantage. 6 month position @ $18.20 per hour. Email CV and cover letter to setantaoz@setanta.com

Nurses, want an agency that looks after you?

Proudly UK & Irish Owned

24/7 is Sydney’s premier nursing agency, supplying staff to public & private hospitals across Sydney & rural Australia t t t t t t

)JHIFTU 1BZ 3BUFT JO 4ZEOFZ 'SFF 6OJGPSNT 8FFLMZ 1BZ #POVTFT 'MFYJCMF DIPJDF PG 4IJGUT 'BCVMPVT 4PDJBM $MVC 4QPOTPSTIJQ 0QQPSUVOJUJFT

The agency that looks after you!

Call: 13 000 247 247 info@247nursing.com.au www.247nursing.com.au

BBM-605 // JOB LISTINGS

ADULT EMPLOYMENT

KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road.

Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Training provided Discreet, Paid daily Flexible hours Foxtel and internet access for staff Friendly Female management Located in the heart of Sydney Earn $150+ per hour

NO SEX

www.sirs.com.au 80 ERSKINE ST. SYDNEY CBD

Female Masseurs Required $115 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team

92997771 (02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills www.nirvanasydney.com.au

261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au

BBM-605 // JOB LISTINGS

GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN!! BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE!! Female Masseurs required $115 p/hr Full training provided Immediate Start Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team

(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES

135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay www.atmichelles.com

JOB LISTINGS

-BEJFT SFR (VBSBOUFFE #VTJFTU E E #FTU 3BUF JO 4ZEOFZ 63(&/5 &"3/ , 1&3 4)*'5 1"*% %"*-: /P FYQFSJFODF SFRVJSFE GVMM USBJOJOH BOE GSFF BDDPNNPEBUJPO ,JOH 4U /FXUPXO 4U 1FUFST XXX BNPSF DPN BV

TRAVELLERS, STUDENTS & LOCALS Several vacancies exist @ our friendly well established full service parlour @ Darling Harbour. We have flexible shifts, caring female management, great pay ($150 p/ hr) and a very safe environment for sexy ladies.Great place for newcomers. Call 02 9660 5942 after 11am for a confidential chat. www.club121.com.au info@club121.com.au

219 Croydon ATTRACTIVE LADIES

WANTED Busy day time parlour Guaranteed big money Flexible shifts Immediate start

Please call or text 0404404742 219 Elizabeth St Croydon

TO ADVERTISE CALL

ON (02) 8231 7701 BBM-605 // JOB LISTINGS

ACCOMMODATION SYDNEY

Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms in the heart of the city. Dorm beds single $40 per night or $180 per week, double rooms $80 per night OR $320 per week. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

Potts Point â&#x20AC;&#x201C; CLOSE TO CITY. Large Studio in garden complex. Close to Kings Cross station. Suitable for a couple. Fully furnished and equipped with everything you need including TV, linen, crockery, microwave etc. $375pw. Call 0425286445

DARLINGHURST BUDGET. NEWLY RE-FURBISHED SHARE ACCOMMODATION - Rear of 433 Liverpool Street, Darlinghurst. Corner of West Street. Central location, close to all amenities yet quiet. $160 P/P P/W + $200 Bond. All bills + WIRELESS INTERNET included. Fully furnished rooms in share house. 7 rooms - 2, 3 or 4 person share. Laundry, Kitchen, lounge/TV room. For appointment to view call Louise between 9am-7pm on 0402 034 119.

MELBOURNE FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park. Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

BBM-605 // ACCOMMODATION

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY

SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com

PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL

428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

THE ROYAL HOTEL

370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS

MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE

BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

HUNTER VALLEY HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

KATOOMBA

KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

BYRON BAY

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS

NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE

LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE

TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad THE DECK 117 Harcourt St New Farm Brisbane 0433777061 the_deck@live.com.au Designed with the working Traveler in Mind Minimum 2 week stay BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433 BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

GOLDCOAST AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com

TREKKERS BACKPACKERS 22 White Street, Goldcoast, QLD, 4215 BOOKINGS FREECALL : 1800 100 004 info@trekkersbackpackers.com.au www.trekkersbackpackers.com.au ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au

NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

DREAMTIME TRAVELLERS REST 4 Terminus Street (corner of Bunda st.& Terminus st.) Cairns 4870 Queensland Ph:0740316753 info@dreamtimehostel.com www.dreamtimehostel.com GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

HERVEY BAY

MISSION BEACH

SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800 www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

NOOSA

NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au

ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

WHITSUNDAYS

BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH

MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1199 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au

BBM-605 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE

Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

RAINBOW BEACH

PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH

WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS cnr Marine Parade & Eric St Cottesloe Beach Ph: 08 9384 5111 stay@oceanbeachbackpackers.com www.oceanbeachbackpackers.com ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966 madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au

OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA

MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

KUNUNURRA

KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

BROOME

BEACHES OF BROOME 4 Sanctuary Road, Cable Beach, Broome, WA, 6725 Ph : 1300 881 031 bookings@beachesofbroome.com.au www.beachesofbroome.com.au

VICTORIA MILDURA REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP

BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au

www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30

BBM-605 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

Australia

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com

Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

BACK OF CHAPEL 50 Green St, Windsor Prahran, Vic 3181 Ph: 03 9521 5338 www.backofchapel.com NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com

$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au

ST. KILDA

OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au

Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

APOLLO BAY

APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN

CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 www.chillis.com.au ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

OUR HOUSE BACKPACKERS 33 Gilbert Place, Adelaide, SA, 5000 Ph: 08 8410 4788 Fax: 08 8410 6288 info@ourhousebackpackers.com www.ourhousebackpackers.com

HINDMARSH ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS

CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au MAJESTIC MINIMA HOTEL 146 Melbourne Street North Adelaide SA 5006 Ph:(08) 8334 7766 minima@majestichotels.com.au www.majestichotels.com.au

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand CHRISTCHURCH

CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN

BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new fl ashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakefi eld Stree Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off fi rst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off fi rst night if you mention this ad

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfi ji.comwww beachcomberfi ji.com THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fi jibeachouse.co www.fi jibeachouse.co

SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfi ji.com Skype name: Smugglers Cove HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachfi ji.co

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandfi ji com THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacifi c Harbou P.O.Box 416 Pacifi c Habou Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.fi jinadibayhotel.com NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj

BBM-605 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

TOURS & ACTIVITIES SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS 1 Pathfinder Drive, Caloundra Airport, Sunshine Coast, QLD Ph: (07)54 370 211 or 04 18 776 775 bookings@sunshinecoastskydivers.com.au www.sunshinecoastskydivers.com.au

COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com

The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au

Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au

Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

NEW ZEALAND

SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz

SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS

Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

FIJI

SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

SKYRAIL RAINFOREST CABLEWAY Cnr of Captain Cook Highway and Cairns Western Arterial Road, PO Box 888 Smithfield, Queensland, 4878 Ph: 07 4038 1555 Fax: 07 4038 1888 mail@skyrail.com.au www.skyrail.com.au OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.

BBM-605 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

GOING SOUTH

Four days, two famous Aussie icons, one awesome tour Ph: 1800 009 858 www.goinsouth.com.au

TEMPTATION DOLPHIN SWIM Marina Pier, Holdfast Shores Marina Glenelg SA 5045 Ph: 0412 811 838 Fax: (08) 8353 0750 info@dolphinboat.com.au www.dolphinboat.com.au

RAFTING

AUSTRALIA

OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au

Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au

HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA

BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au

KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA

KITESURF 1770 / IKO CER TIFIED KITEBOARDING SCHOOL/CENTRE 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@kitesurf1770.com.au www.kitesurf1770.com.au KITE REPUBLIC Shop: 10-18 Jacka Blvd. St.Kilda Sea Baths Complex, St.Kilda 3182 Melbourne, VIC Ph:(03) 95370644 Mob: +61 418583233 info@kiterepublic.com.au www.kiterepublic.com.au

MARINE CHARTERS AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE BAY CHARTERS 2 Jubilee Drive Port Lincoln, SA, 5606 Ph: 04 8842 8862 info@adventurebaycharters.com.au www.adventurebaycharters.com.au

KANGAROO ISLAND MARINE CHARTERS 9 Chapman Terrace, Kingscote, Kangaroo Island, SA Ph: 0427 315 286 Fax: 08 8553 0016 www.kimarineadventures.com

KAYAKING AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE KAYAKING 7 Hastings Street, Glenelg South, SA Ph: (08) 8295 8812 bookings@adventurekayak.com.au www.adventurekayak.com.au

BIKE RIDING AUSTRALIA

ESCAPE GOAT Adelaide, SA Ph: 08 8121 8112 0422 916289 info@escapegoat.com.au www.escapegoat.com.au

JET BOATING

NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET

The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

AUSTRALIA

JET BOAT EXTREME Behind Titanium Bar Ferny Avenue Surfers Paradise Queensland Ph: 0755388890 Mob: 0404099981 info@jetboatextreme.com.au www.jetboatextreme.com.au

ROLLERBLADING

SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Chris@surfingaustralia.com http://www.surfingaustralia.com Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience

MOJOSURF 2/9 Marvel Street Ph: 02 6639 5100 reservations@mojosurf.com http://mojosurf.com Living the dream… SANCTUARY SURFERS 201 Waymouth Street Adelaide South Australia 5000 Ph: 0403 134 478 luke.j.d@gmail.com www.sanctuary.net.au SURFSHACK IS AN ACCREDITED SURF SCHOOL Lessons from $50 for 2 hours Lake Entrance Surf Shack 507 Esplanade Ph: 03 5155 4933 Mallacoota Surf Shack 41 Maurice Avenue Ph: 03 5158 0909 www.surfshack.com.au

JUNGLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS PO Box 117 Port Douglas, Queensland Ph: 07 4098 0043 info@junglesurfing.com.au www.junglesurfing.com.au

RIVER BOARDING NEW ZEALAND

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797 www.riverboarding.co.nz

SHARK EXPEDITIONS AUSTRALIA

AUSTRALIA

ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022

RODNEY FOX EXPEDITIONS 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, Adelaide, South Australia, 5070 Ph: (08) 8363 1788 www.rodneyfox.com.au

GLACIER GUIDING

BUNGY JUMPING

Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz

AJ HACKETT CAIRNS Mc Gregor Road Smithfield, QLD 4878 Ph: (07) 4057 7188 Free call: 1800 622 888 (Aus only) Cairns.reception@ajhackett.com www.cairns.ajhackett.com

NEW ZEALAND

AUSTRALIA

Take a breathtaking guided trip on the West Coast’s longest and less crowded glacier amidst fascinating ice formations with NZ’s most experienced glacier guiding company. Offering a full range of trips to suit all fitness levels.

SURFING AUSTRALIA

SURF CAMP AUSTRALIA 235 CLARENCE ST, SYDNEY PH: (02) 9262 1757 www.surfcamp.com.au

CRYSTAL BALLS

Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week

weather around here may

incident involves a sofa, a ball-

Capricorn

be unpredictable, sod’s law

point pen and a ping-pong ball.

I DON’T even have to look into my crystal ball to tell you that

remains constant and when a violent storm strikes the boat

We’ll let your imagination fill

investing in those A-League

you’re going to start wishing

in the blanks for now, but rest

football tickets is something

you’d shelled out for a pair of

assured it will be hilarious

you’ll come to regret.

armbands.

when it happens. As long as it doesn’t happen to you, that is.

Cancer

Why not watch some park football instead? Or your

DON’T get caught with your

Libra

grandpa kick a sponge ball

pants down.

YOU become the victim of the

about with his three-legged

most serious injury ever to be

dog? It’s cheaper and you’re

Aries THIS week’s prediction will hit

This week you will come

inflicted by air hockey when

probably going to get quite a

you hard.

under attack from an over-

your mate plays what he calls

few more fans turning up.

enthusiastic urinal which, the

the Roberto Carlos method.

Aquarius

I mean that as literally as

moment you approach it, will

possible. You know those eight

start spraying water all over

This involves hitting the puck

YOUR room’s lightbulb will

balls that predict the future

your trousers.

as hard as is humanly possible

develop a behavioural disorder

with little regard for accuracy

that will prove quite frustrating.

when you shake them up? We’ll leave it to you to think up

or indeed the safety of anyone

Some clown will lob one at you

an excuse to tell your amused

within a 20-metre radius of the

Every time you settle down

causing you to lose teeth and

and slightly incredulous mates

table. Ouch – enough said.

with a good book or a copy of

seriously ruining the weekend

when you return looking like

for you. Didn’t see that one

you’ve had a not-so-little

Scorpio

a shrill ‘ping’ and plunge the

coming, did you?

accident.

A PARTICULARLY heavy

room into darkness.

British Balls the bulb will emit

night will result in you waking

Taurus

Leo

halfway up one of the tallest

You will long to smash it

YOUR natural distrust of the

DON’T buy that boomerang as

trees you’ve seen in your life,

with something heavy but

hazardous Australian city roads

a present for your folks back

in a state of undress, with your

the darkness will make this

will deepen as you discover

home.

underwear hanging from a

impossible, so it looks like

higher branch.

you’re stuck with it.

that even the pavement isn’t entirely safe.

You never learnt to throw it properly, anyway. Save money

What do you do next? Cut your

Pisces

A cyclist will give you the fright of

by snapping off a tree branch

losses and climb down? Or

BORED one day, and tired of the

your life when he nearly runs you

and presenting them with that

reach for your pants and risk

evil in the world, you will decide

over and then proceeds to shout

instead.

ending up on the news?

to start your own religion.

Just say it’s a special kind of

Sagittarius

Religious duties bestowed upon

boomerang that only comes

YOU will wake up next to

your housemates will include

I recommend the old cricket-

back if you throw it right and

something that, even by your

giving you a footbath every

stump-through-the-spokes trick

watch them have hours of fun

standards, is exceptionally

morning and being on hand to

if it happens again.

trying to make it work.

unappealing – a smelly toilet

make coffee for you every hour

brush, concealed snugly under

of the day or night.

an endless list of expletives until you’re out of earshot.

Gemini

Virgo

A ‘PARTY BOAT’ cruise with

A BIZARRE accident will

unlimited alcohol will seem like

hospitalise someone in your

Revenge will involve cleaning the

organised religion, internal

the best idea you’ve come up

house.

toilet bowl with his toothbrush

conflicts will cause the whole

and claiming that you did it

arrangement to fall apart and

We won’t tell you who, that

purely because you couldn’t find

all your followers will give you a

would spoil the fun, but the

the bogbrush anywhere.

resounding ‘screw this’.

with in a long time. Unfortunately, while the

the covers by your roommate. Unfortunately, as with most

BBM-605 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ASK CRYSTAL I have been left looking like a

techno band to raise funds. Just

their calls ring out, but I can’t

half-shaved canary and cannot

shell out for an ultra-tight pair of

keep doing that forever. Help me.

go outdoors. I’m flying home in

lederhosen and practice shouting

three weeks. What can I do?

gibberish into a microphone and

Brett, Wollongong

you’re ready to go.

Brian, Glenelg

Dear Brian, IF someone keeps hassling you,

Dear Brett,

Dear Crystal,

the only thing you can do is tell

MUCH as I’d like to tell you to

I JUST discovered that driving a

barefaced lies.

Dear Crystal,

stop whinging and go out and

car isn’t quite as easy as it looks.

I’VE become the tragic victim of

face the world, something’s

I recently had my first taste of

Next time they ring, pick up the

a bet that went horribly wrong.

stopping me.

life behind the wheel during a

phone and, when the snotty

road trip.

assistant on the other end asks

After coming last in some

It can’t be my conscience – that

horribly convoluted drinking

stopped working about 20 years

The trouble is, the trip ended

mate had a close encounter with

game with rules I didn’t really

ago – but the half-plucked Tweety

three minutes later when I drove

three sheep on the back seat

understand I was left at the

Pie look is never a good thing.

straight into a ditch.

and that you’re trying to clean

decided that my punishment was

You need to think about extending

The rental company keep ringing

to let one of them practice their

your trip for another month to give

me to find out when we are

hairdressing skills on me.

it time to grow out. Can’t find the

bringing the car back and I don’t

money? No problem.

know how to explain to them that

where the car is, tell him your

mercy of my sadistic mates, who

the wool out of the upholstery.

After excessive shaving, bleaching and sideburn-sculpting

it’s stuck in a ditch somewhere Just form a homoerotic German

near Geelong. I’m just letting

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail Crystal via. editor@britishballs.com

JOKES TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS

I DON’T take orders from anyone. It’s probably why my restaurant went bust. Timothy, Perth I TRIED to send my girlfriend a picture of my cock today but my phone alerted me “Recipient may not be able to receive f les this large”. That’s a nice boost for my conf dence, anyway. Jack, Bondi I WAS shagging this bird when she said: “There’s something I like to do in bed, but I’m a bit shy to say it so I’ll give you a clue. It’s a number.” I said: “Do you mean a 69?” She gave a little bashful giggle and said: “You’re wrong by 67.” It was then l noticed the smell of shit. Peter, Coogee

MY mate has invented a new hobby called “blindfolded plane spotting”. Can’t see it taking off. Ted, Townsville I’M sick of my mate Adam. He walks round like he is God’s gift to women. John, Croydon I WENT to see one of those shadow theatres earlier. One of the fuckers followed me all the way home. Roger, Randwick

WOMEN say men are disgusting because they will piss in the sink if the bathroom is occupied. But they are completely mistaken. Men will piss in the sink if it’s closer. Jimmy, Edgecliff

I CAN’T get my head round the idea of my girlfriend using a vibrator when I’m not there. It feels like she’s cheating on me. Betraying me. Why can’t she get all her sexual satisfaction from me, like my wife does? Jimbo, Cairns

WALKIE-TALKIES. Stephen Hawking’s term for the rest of the human race. Todd, Coogee

I’M selling a stalking kit on eBay. There’s six people watching it. Thomas, Brisbane

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SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE PlWDL+/-Pts Manchester United33201033870 Chelsea3319953464 Arsenal3318873264 Manchester City3216882056 Tottenham Hotspur3214126854 Liverpool3314712749 Everton3311148647 Bolton Wanderers32111011343 Newcastle United33101013140 Aston Villa33101013-1240 West Bromwich Albion3310914-1539 Fulham3281410138 Stoke City3211516-338 Birmingham City3381411-1238 Sunderland3391113-1238 Blackburn Rovers339816-1435 Wigan Athletic3371313-2134 Blackpool339618-2233 West Ham United3371115-1932 Wolverhampton Wanderers329518-2032

Tables do not include Friday night’s results... and there were bloody lots of them this week.

LEAGUE 1

CHAMPIONSHIP PlWDL+/-Pts Queens Park Rangers42231453883 Cardiff City42229112475 Norwich City42201481974 Reading42191582672 Swansea City42217141870 Leeds United421714111065 Nottingham Forest421615111063 Hull City42161511663 Burnley42171213363 Millwall421613131261 Leicester City4217916260 Ipswich Town4217817259 Watford421513141158 Portsmouth42151017-655 Bristol City4215918-654 Coventry City42141018-352 Barnsley42131217-1151 Middlesbrough42131118-950 Derby County42131019-749 Doncaster Rovers42111219-2345 Crystal Palace42111021-2343 Scunthorpe United4212426-3940 Preston North End4291221-2139 Sheffi eld United429825-333

PlWDL+/-Pts Brighton and Hove Albion4228954793 Southampton41238103877 Huddersfi eld Town4222119257 Peterborough United42228122774 Milton Keynes Dons FC4221813871 AFC Bournemouth421812122166 Rochdale421713121064 Leyton Orient42161313761 Exeter City42171015-761 Brentford4217718-458 Colchester United42151215-557 Carlisle United42151116356 Charlton Athletic42141216-454 Hartlepool United4215918-1654 Sheffi eld Wednesday4215819-15 Oldham Athletic42121614-652 Yeovil Town4214919-1451 Tranmere Rovers42131019-1249 Notts County4213623-1445 Dagenham & Redbridge42111120-1444 Walsall42111021-1943 Bristol Rovers42111021-3243 Swindon Town4281420-1938 Plymouth Argyle4113721-1936

LEAGUE 2 PlWDL+/-Pts Chesterfi eld4223127338 Bury422111103274 Wycombe Wanderers421913101370 Shrewsbury Town421912111769 Torquay United421715102365 Stevenage Football Club421714111965 Gillingham42161791565 Accrington Stanley42161791365 Port Vale42161412362 Rotherham United421613131461 Oxford United42161016058 Aldershot Town42131811-157 Crewe Alexandra421511161756 Southend United42151116756 Morecambe42131118-1250 Bradford City4214622-1948 Cheltenham Town42121218-2148 Hereford United42121416-1447 Macclesfi eld Town42121119-174 Lincoln City4213821-2947 Burton Albion42111219-1545 Northampton Town4291716-1144 Barnet42101121-2041 Stockport County4281222-4736

OTHER LEAGUES

FOCUS ON... SCOTLAND OCH aye the noo, there’s a f erce bram a-brewing between Raith and Dunfermline as the race for promotion to the SPL continues this week. And jings, crivens and help ma bawb, guess which two teams are going head to head this weekend. Yes the top two square off tonight with the winner taking a big step towards promotion. Dunfermline will go into the match on a high after smashing Queen of the South 6-1 while Raith only just scraped to a 21 win over already relegated Stirling last weekend. Meanwhile, in the top division, Hamilton are pretty much gone already which means the title race

SCOTTISH PREMIER PlWDL+/-Pts Rangers3326254480 Celtic3225435279 Heart of Midlothian3318781661 Dundee United3314109352 Kilmarnock3313812647 Motherwell3313515-744 Inverness Caledonian Thistle3291112138 Hibernian3310617-1636 St. Johnstone3381015-2134 Aberdeen339420-2031 St. Mirren337719-2328 Hamilton Academical3331020-3519

SCOTTISH FIRST DIVISION PlWDL+/-Pts Dunfermline Athletic 33171062961 Raith Rovers3317971760 Falkirk33167101955 Greenock Morton33 111012143 Queen of the South3212614-242 Partick Thistle33101112141 Dundee33171242138* Ross County3261412-832 Cowdenbeath338718-2931 Stirling Albion (R)333822-4917

is the only other item of interest. For once, it’s actually pretty exciting with Celtic’s 4-0 smashing of Kilmarnock in midweek putting them a point behind Rangers with a game in hand.

SERIE A PlWDL+/-Pts AC Milan3321843671 Napoli3320582165 Internazionale3319682163 Lazio3318691560 Udinese33185102459 AS Roma3315810453 Juventus33141091052 Palermo3314514-447 Cagliari3312813144 Fiorentina33101310343 Genoa3311913-342 Bologna33111012-1040 Chievo3391212-239 Catania339915-1436 Parma3381114-1335 Lecce339816-1835 Cesena3381015-1534 Sampdoria3371115-1332 Brescia337917-1530 Bari334920-2821

PlWDL+/-Pts FC Barcelona3227416985 Real Madrid3224535077 Valencia CF3219671963 Villarreal CF3217691357 Athletic Bilbao3215314348 Atlético Madrid3213712746 Sevilla FC3213712146 RCD Espanyol3214315-545 Levante UD3212614-642 RCD Mallorca3211615-1239 Sporting Gijón3291112-738 Real Sociedad3212218-1338 Deportivo La Coruña3291112-1338 Getafe CF3210715-837 Racing Santander3291013-1637 Osasuna329815-235 Real Zaragoza328915-1433 Málaga CF329617-2033 Hércules CF328618-2130 UD Almería3251116-2526

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SCOREBOARD FOOTBALL RESULTS Wednesday, 20 April Barclays Premier League Chelsea 3-1 Birmingham Tottenham 3-3 Arsenal Clydesdale Bank Premier League Kilmarnock 0-4 Celtic Blue Square Bet North Corby 1-0 Droylsden Scot-Ads Highland Football League Fort William 2-4 Deveronvale Huntly 1-2 Formartine Utd Nairn County 2-0 Lossiemouth Rothes 0-2 Forres Mechanics Turriff United 2-2 Fraserburgh FA Women’s Super League Everton Ladies 1-1 Doncaster Belles Liverpool Ladies 0-4 Birmingham Ladies ---------------------------------------------------------Tuesday, 19 April Barclays Premier League Newcastle 0-0 Man Utd Npower Championship Burnley 3-1 Middlesbrough Npower League One Tranmere 0-1 Notts County Npower League Two Bradford 1-1 Burton Albion Clydesdale Bank Premier League Dundee Utd 0-4 Rangers Blue Square Bet Premier Hayes & Yeading 3-1 Gateshead Kidderminster 1-2 Darlington Mansfi eld 0-2 Grimsb York 1-0 Luton Scottish First Division Falkirk 2-0 Partick Thistle Scottish Second Division Brechin 2-3 East Fife Livingston 3-2 Ayr Scottish Third Division Clyde 2-0 East Stirling Blue Square Bet North Guiseley 1-1 Gloucester Harrogate Town 1-1 Alfreton Town Stafford Rangers 0-2 Eastwood Town Blue Square Bet South Staines Town 1-2 Maidenhead Utd Carling Premiership Linfi eld 3-2 Glentora Portadown 1-0 Lisburn Distillery ---------------------------------------------------------Monday, 18 April Npower Championship QPR 0-0 Derby Blue Square Bet South Havant and W 1-0 Dartford ---------------------------------------------------------Sunday, 17 April Barclays Premier League Arsenal 1-1 Liverpool The FA Cup Bolton 0-5 Stoke Clydesdale Bank Premier League Hibernian 1-2 Hamilton Scottish Cup Aberdeen 0-4 Celtic FA Women’s Premier League Blackburn Ladies 0-2 Sunderland Ladies Nottm F Ladies 3-2 Barnet Ladies The FA Women’s Cup Sponsored by E.ON Liverpool Ladies 0-3 Bristol Academy ---------------------------------------------------------Saturday, 16 April Barclays Premier League Birmingham 2-0 Sunderland Blackpool 1-3 Wigan Everton 2-0 Blackburn West Brom 1-3 Chelsea West Ham 1-2 Aston Villa The FA Cup Man City 1-0 Man Utd Npower Championship Bristol City 0-1 Ipswich Burnley 2-1 Swansea Cardiff 3-0 Portsmouth Coventry 2-1 Millwall Crystal Palace 1-2 Scunthorpe Hull 3-1 Doncaster Leeds 2-2 Watford Middlesbrough 1-1 Barnsley

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Preston 3-1 Sheff Utd Reading 3-1 Leicester Npower League One Carlisle 4-1 Colchester Charlton 0-1 Huddersfi el Exeter 2-1 Leyton Orient Notts County 0-2 Bournemouth Peterborough 2-1 Plymouth Rochdale 0-1 Brentford Sheff Wed 2-0 Hartlepool Southampton 1-0 Bristol Rovers Swindon 0-1 MK Dons Tranmere 2-0 Dag & Red Walsall 1-3 Brighton (Brighton are champions) Yeovil 1-1 Oldham Npower League Two Accrington Stanley 0-0 Oxford Utd Burton Albion 2-0 Cheltenham Bury 2-0 Barnet Chesterfi eld 2-1 Macclesfi e Crewe 1-1 Lincoln City Gillingham 1-1 Morecambe Rotherham 0-0 Hereford Shrewsbury 2-0 Stockport Stevenage 2-2 Aldershot Torquay 0-0 Port Vale Wycombe 2-2 Northampton Clydesdale Bank Premier League Inverness CT 1-1 Hearts Rangers 2-1 St Mirren Blue Square Bet Premier Eastbourne Boro 1-1 Kidderminster (Eastbourne are relegated) Fleetwood Town 3-1 Altrincham Forest Green 1-1 Cambridge Utd Gateshead 2-2 Rushden & D’mnds Grimsby 2-2 Bath City Hayes & Yeading 3-2 Darlington Histon 0-4 AFC Wimbledon Mansfi eld 0-0 Luto Newport County 5-0 Barrow Southport 0-4 Crawley Town Wrexham 2-0 Kettering York 1-2 Tamworth Scottish Cup Motherwell 3-0 St Johnstone Scottish First Division Cowdenbeath 1-2 Falkirk Dunfermline 6-1 Queen of South Morton 1-3 Dundee Partick Thistle 1-1 Ross County Stirling 1-2 Raith Rovers Scottish Second Division Airdrie Utd 2-1 Dumbarton East Fife 1-1 Stenhousemuir Forfar 3-1 Alloa Livingston 0-0 Ayr Peterhead 1-1 Brechin Scottish Third Division Annan Athletic 2-3 Berwick Arbroath 2-2 Queen’s Park East Stirling 1-2 Albion Elgin 0-1 Clyde Montrose 3-2 Stranraer Blue Square Bet North Boston Utd 2-2 Hyde Eastwood Town 1-1 Stalybridge Gainsborough 3-1 Corby Gloucester 2-1 Alfreton Town Harrogate Town 1-0 Worcester Hinckley Utd 1-1 AFC Telford Nuneaton 2-1 Workington Redditch 2-3 Guiseley Stafford Rangers 1-5 Droylsden Vauxhall Motors 3-3 Solihull Moors Blue Square Bet South Basingstoke 4-0 Hampton & Richmond Braintree Town 2-0 Havant and W Chelmsford 0-1 Farnborough Dartford 1-4 Boreham Wood Dorchester 0-0 Dover Eastleigh 0-3 Ebbsfl eet Unite Lewes 1-1 Weston-S-Mare Staines Town 0-2 Bromley St Albans 1-0 Welling Thurrock 1-2 Maidenhead Utd Woking 2-0 Bishop’s Stortford Scot-Ads Highland Football League Brora 4-2 Fraserburgh Clachnacuddin 0-1 Rothes Formartine Utd 11-2 Fort William Huntly 2-0 Strathspey Thistle Inverurie Locos 0-1 Cove Rangers Keith 0-1 Deveronvale Lossiemouth 4-0 Forres Mechanics Turriff United 1-1 Nairn County Wick Academy 1-4 Buckie Thistle

FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS! CHECK out BBM’ s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.pr emierleague.com for all the latest r esults and standings. T able below was up to date at time of going to press.

Prizes

(in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $500 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100

# TEAM MANAGER GW

TOT

1 alovelycupoftea James Horrocks 85

1925

2 Stop, Hammertime! Paul Steadman 79 3 Dizzying Heights FC Siva Iyer 64

1838

4 every week you dan magee 83

1821

5 Alan’s Deep Bath jason kerley 95 6 Alcohol Fc Ron f 79

1859

1800

1757

7 TippytappyFC Richie Egan 117

1754

8 Holy-family ‘B’ team Pat Mustard 81

1701

9 ur ma’s athletic brian o gorman 83 10 Mukin Fagic Luke Gately 60

1680 1675

11 Insert Name Here Utd Richard Gadsby 67 12 Evertonian John Armitage 71

1675

1674

13 The Roosters Steven Cairns 112

1674

14 bobby dazzlerz tom mcelwain 47

1657

15 Rootin & Tootin Oisin Coveney 32

1654

16 Tallulah Neil Weaver 73

1642

17 Ozzies Allstars *** James Osborne 74

1634

18 Red Incas Mark Stansfi eld 46

1631

19 fi sty cuffs fc Marc Roche 68

1630

20 Arsenal Brian Harvey 57

1625

New Entry Ranking Increased Ranking stayed Ranking Fell the same

WORLD SPORT UFC 129 PREVIEW

BOXING: Finally, there’s light at the end of the tunnel for the most protracted potential f ght in boxing history. Yes David Haye and Wladimir Klitschko are set to go glove to glove in Hamburg on July 2nd. Sing hosannahs!

IT’S quite possibly the biggest UFC event ever, as 55,000 fans will pack the Rogers Centre in Toronto, Canada (the largest UFC attendence ever) for the blockbuster Pay-Per-View that will see Welterweight Champion (and Canadian) Georges StPierre take on Jake Shields. While St-Pierre looks the obvious winner, after six successful title defences, Shields hasn’t lost since December 2006. The former Strikeforce champ has excellent ground control and, if he can take the champ down, has a genuine chance of

winning thanks to his extensive training with Chael Sonnen and Phil Davis. Also, only two of GSP’s title defences haven’t gone to decision while Shields has an excellent submission record. That being said, the champ can keep things standing thanks to his takedown defence and has managed to go the distance with, and defeat, names such as Josh Koscheck, B.J. Penn and Matt Hughes. We’re picking St. Pierre to retain here, but it doesn’t seem as one-sided as we originally thought.

Randy Couture vs. Lyoto Machida This could possibly be more interesting than the main event. Machida will try to keep his distance and land occasional blows while Randy will attempt to stay in his face. We think Randy will be too tough for Machida to handle here. Jose Aldo vs. Mark Hominick The Featherweight title is up for grabs here, but we don’t see it lasting longer than the f rst round. Aldo to absolutely dominate.

“I’d f ght him anywhere, so long as the location comes with a ring and a ref that can count to 10. By the time I’ve f nished with Wladimir, he won’t know where he is anyway,” said Haye in the f rst of what is sure to be lengthy list of traded insults for the next three months. TENNIS: Tartan twat Andy Murray has taken choking to another level this week by bowing out of a competition before it’s even started. After winning his f rst game since 1989 earlier this month, Murray had been expected to go into this week’s Barcelona Open as No.2 seed. Instead he’s pulled out with an elbow injury. “I’m going to take four to f ve days’ rest and begin practising next week,” he said while shaking at the thought of facing Rafael Nadal.

Vladimir Matyushenko vs. Jason Brilz An interesting bout which sees two evenly matched f ghters go to war. Jason hasn’t fought in about a year, so expect him to lose - barely - by decision. Mark Bocek vs. Ben Henderson Mark has good jiu-jitsu skills, Ben’s are better. This is Henderson’s UFC debut, we think he’ll be ready for the upset. Nate Diaz vs. Rory MacDonald Who did Nate Diaz piss off to be sent to the preliminary card? If he stays standing and has some quality takedown defence, he’ll be able to f nish MacDonald, or at least win by decision. UFC 129 is live on Pay-Per-View from 11am on May 1st. As always, BBM will live stream the weigh-in’s, press conferences and other events at bbmlive.com

A MALING-NANT RUMOUR CRICKET: There are two possible reasons why Sri Lanka star Lasith Malinga has ruled himself out of next month’s tour of England.

“It looks a bit awkward when [Malinga] says he’s injured and still plays [for the Mumbai Indians],” said chairman of selectors Duleep Mendis.

The f rst is our boys are so intimidating that he’s simply too petrif ed to face them.

“That is the reason why we have decided to write to ... ask him to return home and undergo a rehabilitation programme. Malinga has specif cally mentioned ... that he is not available for Test matches right now because of a nagging knee problem.”

The second is he just wants to extend his pay day in the Indian Premier League. We’ll leave you to decide which is more likely.

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FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

WEEKEND FIXTURES Friday 22nd April npower Championship Coventry City v Scunthorpe Utd Doncaster v Crystal Palace Nottingham Forest v Leicester Leeds United v Reading npower League 1 Brentford v Colchester United Dagenham v Plymouth Argyle Exeter City v Oldham Athletic Hartlepool United v Tranmere Leyton Orient v Peterborough MK Dons v Huddersf eld Town npower League 2 Bury v Lincoln City Crewe Alexandra v Morecambe Southend United v Stevenage Torquay United v Wycombe Northampton v Rotherham Saturday 23rd April Barclays Premier League Man United v Everton Aston Villa v Stoke City Blackpool v Newcastle United Liverpool v Birmingham City Sunderland v Wigan Athletic Tottenham v West Brom Wolves v Fulham Chelsea v West Ham United npower Championship Cardiff City v QPR Derby County v Burnley Hull City v Middlesbrough Portsmouth v Swansea City Sheff eld Utd v Bristol City Watford v Barnsley Millwall v Preston North End npower League 1 Brighton v Southampton Bristol Rovers v Charlton Athletic Rochdale v Carlisle United Swindon Town v Notts County Walsall v Sheff eld Wednesday Yeovil Town v Bournemouth npower League 2 Hereford United v Shrewsbury Acc Stanley v Bradford City Aldershot Town v Burton Albion Cheltenham v Macclesf eld Gillingham v Barnet Oxford United v Chesterf eld Port Vale v Stockport County Scottish Premier League Dundee United v Kilmarnock Hearts v Motherwell Sunday 24th April Barclays Premier League Bolton Wanderers v Arsenal Scottish Premier League Rangers v Celtic Hibernian v St Mirren

THEY’RE SO GREAT AT ARSENE UP THEIR CHANCES Arsene Wenger (pictured top right) has hailed his team for once again raising the bar when it comes to letting a shot at silverware slip through their grasp. Law of averages means Arsenal should have won a trophy this year after being in contention for four competitions a couple of months ago. Now, after four weeks of unheralded hopedashing and chance-dodging, they only have to fall out of the running in the Premier League to make it a clean sweep. And despite Man United dropping points like a trainee monkey knife thrower, Arsenal have responded with as magnif cent a display of bottling as BBM has ever seen. “This team has an outstanding attitude,” applauded the Frenchman after the Gunners threw away a two-goal lead to draw 3-3 with Tottenham. But Arsene warned against complacency, telling his team that if they’re not careful they could still win a trophy this year. “It’s not over. We will fght like mad for the next game. Of course we can do it,” he trumpeted. Bad news for fans of Barry Town and Bangor – their chances of being hammered by Grasshoppers Zurich in the f rst preliminary round of the Europa League are in jeopardy following the news that Cardiff City, Swansea City, Newport County and Wrexham have been invited to take part in the Welsh Cup after a 16-year absence. Clubs playing in the English league system were exiled in 1995, which also ruled out Colwyn Bay and Merthyr Town.

Susanne Ibru took irony to a new level this week after telling the judge at her trial for stalking Rio Ferdinand that he “needed his head examined”. “Until sentence is passed and a restraining order is made, we have to rely on bail conditions to protect Mr Ferdinand and his family,” said Judge Sanders when passing judgment on the 38-year-old nutjob. As she was led away to the cells Ibru shouted: “You need your head examined, seriously, no doubt about that.” The chance for footballers to demonstrate their natural comic genius to a worshiping public has been further restricted after Carlton Cole was f ned £20,000 by the FA for comments on Twitter about the England v Ghana friendly. “Immigration has surrounded the Wembley premises! I knew it was a trap!” he wrote, before deleting the comments. “The only way to get out safely is to wear an England jersey and paint your face w/ the St George’s f ag!” Look out Stephen Fry, looks like Twitter has a new King of Wit. Manchester United’s part-time striker Michael Owen said he was disappointed after being booed by Newcastle fans during Tuesday’s 0-0 draw at St James’ Park. “Got a poor reception off the home fans which was disappointing,” he tweeted. “Knew I would get booed as that’s what a lot of fans do but if they knew the

facts then they may have a different opinion.” The facts are he cost the Toon £16m, scored 30 goals in four years, spent most of that time wincing and holding his hamstring and jumped ship on a free transfer as soon as they went down. We’re sure that’s changed a few opinions Michael. It’s Easter, and if Kinder Eggs have taught us anything it’s that it’s always nice to get a little package with a surprise inside. And Celtic manager Neil Lennon was certainly surprised this week when he was sent a parcel bomb which was intercepted by mail staff. Bovine bother has brought an end to Iffy Onuora’s reign as coach of Ethopia. “He was telling the newspapers that he had to clear a herd of cows off a pitch in order for the team to train,” said an Ethopian FA spokesman after the former Huddersf eld striker’s sacking. “I’m not aware of a single pitch that the team trains in where you can f nd cows.” Two Moldovan referees have quit after being threatened with violence over the weekend. “I was told that if I don’t follow certain decision in that match something could happen to my family,” said Vladislav Ivanchenko. At least we know where Roy Keane is these days.

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FOOTBALL

VIEWS

RIO SPITS THE DUMMY HE infuriates his manager, he throws darts at people, he has a few screws loose in his head but last weekend he gained a few fans. BBM is of course referring to Mario ‘baby’ Balotelli. For all the grey hairs he has given Roberto Mancini in recent weeks, the City boss still chose him to start against Manchester United in the FA Cup. And in true Balotelli style he was not going to leave the game without pissing someone off. This time it was England captain reject, Rio Ferdinand. All it took was a bit of badge-pointing and a wink for Rio to throw his sour grapes out of the pram. Because, in Rio’s world, no one is allowed to celebrate if United lose. Even though Mancini tried to play peace maker, we

get the feeling he was secretly happy at making United look like sore losers. So the Red Devils’ potential treble has just become a dubious double, although, to be fair, that’s two more than the Gunners. Which brings BBM to our favourite coach, Arsene Wenger, whose anger and frustration were there for all to see at the weekend. All this emotion is a sign just how much Wenger cares, which is more than can be said about his team of schoolboys. They had enough chances to score more than once against Liverpool in a match that felt like it was never going to end. But they didn’t really look like they wanted to. There was no emotion, no anger – they basically just gave up. Wenger was the only one showing his disappointment and passion by refusing to shake Kenny Daglish’s hand - although he should have just told the craggy-faced Scot that his side just helped United win their 19th league title. Instead, in true Arsenal fashion, the boys failed to perform. Unless, drastic changes happen at the Emirates the top four – rather than the top – is where they will remain. – Lorna Evio

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE!

A Bolton Wanderers fan who moved to Australia 23 years ago quit his £38,500 a year job in Brisbane because his bosses refused to give him time off to go and watch the club in their FA Cup semif nal against Stoke. Ian Wagstaff, a British-born sheet metal worker, made the 10,000-mile journey back home to watch his beloved team at Wembley last week.

“[Colonel] Gaddafi is a man I’ve always admired. I know him and I know Seif, his son. They ar e my friends. But frankly I don’ t really know what is happening in Libya, but it must be very har d for Gaddafi and his family.” Just when you thought spittin’ El Hadji Diouf couldn’t be any more unpopular... “It is not easy to de cide the price of the tickets.” Michel Platini on the hardships of deciding to charge £150 plus a £36 administration fee for Champions League final tickets. “Our wage bill is unsustainable at any level. Our wage bill is bigger than the combined wage bills of the top two clubs in this league.” Steve Gibson concedes that Championship strugglers Middlesbrough need to rein in the finances. “He is one of the most signifi cant people in the history of Real Madrid and I am nothing in the history of Real Madrid. But I am the coach and the coach is the one who decides. I am the coach. What do you want to do ? It’s me. The decisions are mine” Jose Mourinho humbly responds to Alfredo Di Stefano’s criticism of his tactics ... for one sentence, before reverting to type.

with ace pundit Chris Kamara

He might have had second thoughts shortly after fulltime, however, as Bolton were smacked 5-0 by the Potters. Unbelievable Jeff!

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“We might as well have got a shotgun and blown off both of our feet.” Ian ‘king of the overstatement’ Holloway.

Book a ‘Bondi Surf Experience’ 2 hour surf lesson & get $20 OFF Plus an extra FREE 2 hour board & wetsuit hire

“Benni McCarthy was a big fat mistake. It could be worse as across the river Fernando Torres, at £50million, remains as thin as two yards of pumpwater and has not scored either.” Karren Brady on flop signing McCarthy after West Ham cut their losses on the o verweight marksman.

FOOTBALL

FEATURE

MOUR OF THE SAME IS ANYONE else sick of football pundits constantly sucking on Barcelona’s Catalonian cock? BBM certainly is. But then when we say ‘football pundits’ we actually mean Craig Foster on SBS. Perma-tanned twat. Well lorks-a-lordy we’ve now got Barca-baiter in chief Jose Mourinho taking on Messi’s gang of all-conquering master passes not once, not twice, not three times – but a massive four times in the space of 18 days. And just in case you

hadn’t guessed by our tone, we’re rooting for Madrid – if for no other reason than we stuck $50 on them to win the Champions League at the start of the season. C’mon Mourinho you smug bastard, BBM needs a new pair of shoes. Or something.

been promised by ‘Fozzy’ and his team of knowledgeless lackeys since the f nal whistle blew at White Hart Lane. For starters, Mourinho pretty much conceded the La Liga title to Barcelona before the 1-1 draw the other day – so it didn’t really effect much.

But just before the footballing world buys into the inevitable El Clasico overdrive overhype, there’s just an inkling that we might not be getting the fourway f rework-fest we’ve

And do you think Pep Guardiola gives a monkeys about losing the Copa del Rey when the real prize is a place in the Champions League f nal next week? Bollocks does he.

Ironically, the real winners out of all this could be Man United. The Spanish papers already seem to think it’s a forgone conclusion that whoever wins the El Clasico Champions League semi-f nal will also win the f nal. With United just hitting their stride with perfect timing, you really don’t want to be taking them lightly right now. And yes we’re aware of the irony that we’ve just written off Schalke’s chances.

...BBM’S BEST EL CLASICO MOMENTS... RONALDINHO’S STANDING OVATION

LUIS FIGO AND THE PIG’S HEAD

NOVEMBER 19, 2005

NOVEMBER 24, 2002

You might have forgotten the score, you might have forgotten the frequent scything tackles that scarred the game – but the sight of a pig’s head being thrown at Luis Figo while he tried to take a corner is one that will stay with us forever. Real had, of course, just lured Barcelona’s star player to the Bernabeu with as part of their “Galactico” era. He was promptly pelted the g includin – ne touchli the near went he missiles every time its into ‘Lord of the Flies’-style projectile which has since made football folklore. The game ended 0-0 by the way.

BARCELONA’S GUARD OF HONOUR

For a match traditionally f lled with bile and hatred, it takes a sublime individual performance to earn a standing ovation from both sets of fans. Step forward bucktoothed samba boy Ronaldinho (right), who took centre stage with a brace of cracking individual goals during Barca’s 3-0 romp to earn the grudging respect of Madrid fans.

MAY 7, 2008

The “Derbi del Pasillo”. Seen by Barca fans as their most humiliating El Clasico moment, the players were forced to stand in a guard of honour to welcome Real Madrid as the new champions of Spain. As bad as that was, worse was to come as the title holders duly spanked their welcome-mat rivals 4-1 to seal a perfect day by rubbing salt into the wound.

BARCA BOUNCE BACK MAY 9, 2009

While the Derbi del Pasillo is considered a low point, many Barca fans also claim it was the catalyst for the club’s current run of global dominance. Almost exactly a year after the hammering, a ruthless Barca underlined their transition under Pep Guardiola (right) by avenging their capitulation the previous season with a 6-2 demolition of Real at the Bernebeu. Barca then went on to complete their famous ‘sextuple’ winning pretty much every competition they entered that year. 80

MESSI’S HAT-TRICK MARCH 10, 2007

The day Messi graduated from ugly teenager with bags of potential to a contendor for best player in the world. Messi’s remarkable hat-trick sealed a fantastic comeback 3-3 draw for Barca, with the f nal goal coming after he’d beaten two defenders to smash the ball past Iker Casillas. At the time, he was still only 19.

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SPORT GUIDE

Contents PAGE 80 Football Feature: BBM takes a trip through El Clasico’s past. PAGE 79 Football Views: With Lorna Evio.

PAGE 78 Football News: Arsenal’s agony continues. PAGE 74 World Sport: UFC 129 preview.

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PAGES 72 & 73 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables.

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