BBM Magazine 2 by bbmlive.com

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CONTENTS The Cover

Review

Regulars

ANYTHING BUT IDLE - 22 Fresh off the launch of her new perfume, Katie Price is on the search for her replacement. Hopefully this is the dagger in the TV career of Tyra Banks.

DURAN DURAN - 26 No reviews this week, but we do take a look at Duran Duran’s new single over on The Wrap. Don’t worry, reviews will be back next week.

Interview

Sport

FOZZY - 30 WWE Superstar Chris Jericho is also a huge rock star, taking the UK by storm and returning to Australia this weekend. We catch up with Chris to talk Fozzy.

FERGIE FLOORED - 80 Turns out Wayne Rooney wasn’t the ﬁrst player to make Sir Alex look like a powerless prat.

UK News World News Irish News Gossip Soaps The Wrap Sydney Melbourne Adelaide Perth Recruitment Classiﬁeds

6 12 16 18 24 26 34 36 42 44 50 55

Hostel Listings Crystal Balls Ask Crystal & Jokes Sport

60 64 66 82

(JOBS & ACCOMMODATION)

MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Ben Harlum ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby richard.gadsby@what-media.com

UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir hannah.shakir@what-media.com

INTERNS Marissa van Doorn, Scott Hosie, Jennifer Reilly, Zuleika Lopez Guilleux, Stefan Zimmermann

“

GOSH, I HOPE CTU HAS THE SAME RINGTONE.

HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard design@what-media.com

WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber

CHRIS DIAMANTOPOULOS

WEB DEVELOPMENT ASSISTANT Shefali Khanna

I HAVE THE 24 CLOCK APP FOR MY PHONE. IT’S COOL.

ADVERTISING AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Mary Atkin

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JOHN BOYD

mary.atkin@what-media.com

ADVERTISING Joe Smith joe.smith@what-media.com

Dave Hudson

BBM

CONTRIBUTORS David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Fernando Xavier, Bethan Hacking, Alexandra McIntyre, Jeremy Williams

BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGER James Marsh james.marsh@what-media.com

SALES AND MARKETING DIRECTOR Guchi Shakir

PO Box 784 Queen Victoria Building NSW 1230

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PRINTERS Spotpress

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UK NEWS ST...ST...ST..ST..STOP STAMMER TIME BBM once had a friend who suffered from a stammer and also had Tourettes. People kept asking him if he was cold.

After 24 years, Rachel has ﬁnally managed to say her own name after taking a new form of therapy involving breathing exercises.

But while it’s perfectly natural and healthy to poke fun at people who stutter or are slightly different to the rest of us in some way, those same people actually ﬁnd it an inconvenience.

“Now I get such a kick out of just saying Rachel Rickard. It’s more brilliant than anyone who doesn’t stammer could ever imagine,” she said.

Just ask the rather unfortunately named Rachel Rickard – who has trouble pronouncing the letter R.

Well Rachel, that really deserves a rapturous round of congratulations. Now you say it.

ICE, ICE BABY ALRIGHT stop. Collaborate and listen, ice is back with a brand new invention. Yes ‘ice, ice baby’ is indeed back as God prepares to take a giant white dump on Britain in the form of a 10day chillathon. The MET ofﬁce say up to 10 inches of snow could land in higher parts of the country this week. BBM understands Arsenal have already imported several truckloads of black gloves for their team of fragile foreign youngsters. Severe weather warnings have been issued for icy roads and heavy snows across the north-east, Yorkshire and Humber, East Midlands, the east and south-west of England as well as parts of Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales. Everywhere north of Watford basically then.

DOG DAYS ARE OVER SAD, sad news people. Britain’s biggest dog has died – and no we’re not talking about Katie Price. The “hilariously” named Great Dane, Tiny, measured at a whopping 7ft 3ins and even had his own room – complete with sofa. He also tucked into four chicken dinners a day. Can you imagine the shits he must have left behind? Christ.

MONEY FOR NOTHING DID you know that around £1 billion is lost by the Government each year through benefit chiefs giving out too much money? That’s quite a whack of money to be tossing away on nothing – a bit like Joleon Lescott. The powers that be clearly felt the same and, in 2006, invested a further £23 million a year to try and reduce the problem. So four years on, have we seen an improvement? Have we fuck. In fact it’s worse now because we’ve wasted around £100million trying to solve the issue. Well done eggheads!

TICKET TROUBLE JOBLESS Welsh scrounger Charlotte Williams has picked up so many parking tickets she’s been given 42 years to pay them off at £5 a week. Williams, 21, picked up 160 tickets to run a total bill of £9,600 after moving back in with her mum and dad. She sounds like quite a catch.

PRIVATE PROBLEM THEY’VE only been in power a couple of months but the Tories are already flogging off our national institutions with the news that a private company is set to run an entire NHS hospital for the first time. Hinchingbrooke Hospital in Huntingdon, Cambridgeshire, will be operated by the private sector from next summer in a franchise set to last at least seven years. Expect McDonald’s to sponsor the armed-forces in the near future.

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UK NEWS DHABI DAY FOR QUEEN AND PHIL

BRIDEZILLAS APPARENTLY British brides are living in fear that the Royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton is going to overshadow their big day. So it’s no longer about spending the rest of your life with the person you love then?

EXPECT the United Arab Emirates to declare war on the U.K. in the near future following the news that Prince ‘proud to be racist’ Philip is in Abu Dhabi.

Fair enough, everyone is talking about the biggest wedding to happen in 30 years but that’s because it’s royal.

The Queen and her hubby are currently visiting the UAE for the first time in 30 years and Philip is odds-on to spark an international dispute with some casual racist remark about the local headwear.

If you’re royal, you too could have a wedding where nothing is private and the whole world is invited. Not really that pleasant really.

“There is a very deep friendship between Her Majesty and the ruling families here,” said British ambassador Dominic Jermey. “The relation we have now is based on a common perception of our political interests, a shared analysis of threats and very close business and investment links.”

There’s enough stress to be had over the dress, cake and what everyone else will be wearing. Why are British women worrying about Kate?

Does this mean the Queen can be expected to belly-dance with only a thin muslin veil covering her modesty while the leading sheiks of the UAE wank on her feet? In BBM’s opinion, almost certainly yes.

Stop having a hissy fit and think about making yours the best you can.

Australia’s Gold Coast Choose YOUR OWN adventure in Australia’s playground

Spectacular!

HAVE YOU HEARD G G G G G

visit www.adventureGC.com 8

Get back to nature

Catch some rays C

70 kilometres of coastline 300 days of sunshine per year 22°C /72°F average temperature 500 cafes, restaurants and bars 100,000 hectares of World Heritage Rainforest Australia’s biggest range of theme parks and attractions

Meet some loca

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Most savvy travellers think they know what to expect on the Gold Coast; brilliant beaches, super Surfers Paradise nightlife, theme parks galore and the best looking talent in the country. But only a plucky few explorers uncover more than the travel guides are willing to admit. How’d they miss 100,000 hectares of world heritage rainforest, 500 kilometres of canals, the year round water sports or the sacred indigenous landmarks? Perhaps they just weren’t up for the challenge. Choose YOUR OWN adventure in Australia’s playground.

BBM-584 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

UK NEWS BANKS A LOT NO LONGER does graffiti need to be a bad thing. A home in Southampton had £20,000 extra added onto it’s value due to a piece of Banksy ‘art’ on a garden wall. Unfortunately a jealous neighbour got a tad pissed off so decided to paint over the thing instead. Nice.

OLD AGE TRAVELLER ARE you one of those annoying people who bang on about how you’re a “proper” traveller because you’ve been to more remote countries than anyone else and say things like “South-East Asia’s been ruined by tourists” without a hint of irony?

The famous work attracted dozens of fans to take pictures of the image on the 6ft garden wall. It showed a picture of a boy holding a balloon and the words ‘no future’ - until it was whitewashed by the neighbour. Although the painting was there for a number of weeks it had only just been revealed as Banksy’s work. Keith Sekree, owner of TAOI Gallery, said: “It is really unusual for him to do such a random piece. Usually there is a point to him being there. It is the first time he has been to Southampton and it is fantastic for the city.”

Firstly, you’re a cock. Secondly, we’ve just found someone who’s been to even more places than you. Thirdly, you’re still a cock. Meet pensioner Fred Flinn, who’s just been officially crowned as the world’s most travelled man after clocking up 15million miles around the globe, visiting 139 countries in the process. Fred started his jet-setting at the age of just 18 when he took a transatlantic trip from an airfield in Hampshire to New York and has pretty much been on the move ever since – going on to see 70 percent of the world’s countries.

NICE BREASTS, SHAME ABOUT THE FACEBOOK HEY ladies. Ever wanted to have one of your tits chopped off, take a photo of the scar and post it on Facebook? Well you can’t. What an outrage right? Just ask Anna Antell who had a mastectomy following a cancer scare and decided to put a picture on her profile page to try and “break down prejudice” or something. Instead she just got banned from the powers that FB for posting “obscene” material. “It is ridiculous,” said the 43-year-old. “They put a warning on the page saying I have uploaded offensive material. That particular image is my scar. It’s not showing breasts or anything like that. It’s not like it’s a woman sunbathing topless.” Quite right Ann – and maybe if you joined BBM’s campaign to allow women to post topless sunbathing photos, we’d both get a result.

BBM-584 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WORLD NEWS THE EXPENSIVE BALL & CHAIN WOMEN. The bane of, and reason for, our existance on this world. Unless you’re a straight female, in which case we apologise for leaving you out. Look at Nigel Page, who won the $56million lottery jackpot earlier this year. He’s a nice (and very rich) gentleman, who decided to give his $235,000 home to his former cleaner, and has helped local charities and friends with payouts. For a magazine that would blow it all on booze, girls and a night at the casino, colour us impressed with Nigel.

But the party police rolled up and Nigel’s ex-wife, who we’d like to point out was cheating on Nigel during their marriage, decided to take legal action against him and walked away with $2 million from the lottery winnings. Worse still, Nigel was planning to give her a $1 million gift before the lawsuit. Absolutely ridiculously worse!! He offered to put the $2million in a trust fund for their 13-year-old daughter. This was vetoed by the ex-wife. What a swine of a homewrecker (pictured).

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY ACCORDING to CBS news, a super secret spy satellite has been launched into the sky by the American Air Force. But it’s a secret, so don’t tell anyone alright? It is believed to be the the largest satellite in the world, capable of electronic eavesdropping thanks to its huge collecting antenna. Way to make us feel safe, America. Then again, judging by the ‘secrecy’ surrounding this satellite launch, lets hope the Yanks are better at keeping the eavesdropping secret. The Air Force had hoped to launch the satellite a fortnight ago, but suspect wiring in the system needed to be replaced. That’s what happens when you get QANTAS to build your satellites!

A HILARIOUS ROBBERY... JACQUELINE Cutright (a serial killer name if we’ve ever heard one) thought her toilet smelt funny - little did she know at the time that it was due to the clown (pictured) robbing her house. The clown demanded to know where she kept her drugs and money. “Boy, did you break into the wrong house,” Cutright answered. The clown settled for some animal

balloons and sped off in her Ford Escort after 2 hours of ransacking her home. But he crashed the car, crawled out a window and allegedly confessed to police. They told him to stop clowning around. Cutright feared the robber was going to take a silver bracelet a friend gave her. After telling the press about the bracelet, you better watch out because the clown knows where you live.

...AND A HILARIOUS MEDICAL STORY WHAT happens when you’re told you have three months to live? You spend your live savings on completing your bucket list of course? What happens when it was a false diagnosis? You sue the pants of that rotten doctor! Before we get ahead of ourselves, comedian Dave Ismay was told booze had left him with deadly liver cirrhosis and that he had just months to live. First sign this wasn’t true? He had never been a particularly heavy drinker. So Dave went out and fulﬁlled his bucket list - he took his grandson to Villa Park and played golf at The K Club in Ireland. He even splashed $26,000 on a shiny new Mercedes and luckily he quickly learnt that he’ll have a lot more time to drive it. Ten weeks after his initial diagnosis, liver biopsy results revealed he was suffering from hereditary haemochromatosis - a treatable condition which leaves too much iron in the blood. Whoops!

ACCORDING to a recent survey, baby boomers are the unhappiest age group when it comes to their sex life. Of course they are, they’re sleeping with oldies! Except if you’re sleeping with Helen Mirren, she’s a fox. Don’t deny it. Overall, 28 percent of men and 21 percent of women in the baby boom generation are dissatisﬁed with their sex lives. We’re sure that they can’t wait for the new Kama Sutra DVD, starring Betty White and Sean Connery. That’ll sure spice things up in the bedroom!

YOU know those body scanners that show your junk off to the airport security staff? Yeah, the ones that we are installing in the entrance of BBM towers - what can we say, we’re a curious bunch. Anyway, here’s a fun fact for you. One of the biggest supporters of the scanners over in America was the former Secretary for the Department of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff. The same Michael Chertoff who runs a security and risk management ﬁrm, whose client just so happens to be Rapiscan, one of the biggest manufacturers of body scanning machines in the U.S. Funny how those things turn out, innit?

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A REAL BOOKWORM GOOGLE Maps is home to a lot of fun, from the viking roleplaying at 8 Sampsonia Way in Pittsburgh, PA to the house on ﬁre over at Eagle Point Drive Sherwood, AR. But congratulations to the man who has been caught reading a book outside his house in Saint-Guillaume, Quebec, Canada. I know, sounds terribly boring doesn’t it? He was naked. Luckily his book is covering his junk, and he also has his shorts next to him incase he needs a speedy getaway - or his wife gets home. Shame, his wife can now check out her husband’s dirty habit whenever she turns on the computer.

THEY say it’s a 1 in 135145920 chance you’ll win the lottery. They also say it helps if you’re the shop owner selling tickets, like Ron Rea from Pennsylvania. Ron sold himself a winning $1.8 million lottery ticket — and as the seller of the ticket, he’ll get an extra $10,000. Easy work if you can get it.

IF you’re going to go to the trouble of stealing an animal from the zoo, you have to be sure you’re happy with your new pet. There’s no use stealing an elephant if you live in an apartment or, as a Kansas City resident discovered, stealing a meerkat only to drop it off at the latest pet store. The zoo never reported him stolen because they assumed a hawk might have scooped him up, not a person. The upset thief was probably expecting a singing and dancing pet like Timon from the Lion King.

WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS AHH, the elderly. Such a fun combination of naivety, cluelessness and the faint smell of urine. Unless you’re our grandparents in which case, get back to making us dinner! You see, while us young folk enjoy taking risks and living life on the wild side, our elder community don’t trust a lot of people. Especially people in authority. Take the unnamed pensioner (pictured) who didn’t trust banks and kept his money in his car for example. He’d saved $2,000 a year to ensure he could support himself in his retirement.

For many years, he stashed the money under his bed, but when his guard dog died he put the money in his car. After reading BBM for a while, surely you know where this is going. Last week he decided to bundle groups of $10,000 into eight small plastic bags. He left them on the roof of his car. He drove to work. Hilarity ensured! He’s offered a reward if somebody found the cash. He asked his grandson to help look for the money but he was too busy taking his new boat out for a spin.

PIPE DOWN! SOMETIMES it’s good to have good Neighbours. It’s like that time when Bouncer saved Madge from the ﬁre, or when Karl helped Susan through her amnesia. Good times. Anyway, a Paris woman seemed to lack the love and friendship of Ramsay Street during the past three weeks when she was stuck in her bathroom. She became stuck after the bathroom door lock broke, surviving by drinking

“WHY did they shoot your parents but only tie you up?” The police asked Jennifer Pan in a question she should’ve seen coming. In the worst planning of a murder we’ve seen in... well, a week, Pan helped organise the murder of her parents during a normal Sunday evening. But instead of ducking out to the shops or visiting a friend, she decided to stay

warm water from the tap. However, and this is the kicker, every night she tried to call for help by tapping on some piping. But neighbours in the apartment block said they thought someone was doing home repair work and launched a petition to have the tapping stopped. How thoughtful, especially in the city of love.

and watch the saga unfold. Foolish! Pan was tied up but managed to free herself miraculously and call police to report the crime. After being released from hospital, it became clear to police that something suspicious was going on (really, it took you that long to realise?) Her brother had the right idea, he’s off studying engineering at McMaster University in Hamilton.

When isolated they can start to panic, become hysterical, bite, defecate and urinate. Sounds like BBM’s sales team on deadline day. And for you Kansas City thiefs out there, the surveillance video from the store isn’t very helpful because it only takes images every three minutes. You’ve got 180 seconds to steal all the pets you like - good luck!

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IRISH NEWS POOR EXCUSE FOR A BUDGET CAST your mind back in time to an Ireland where mud-covered peasants work 12-hour days reaping barley and coming back at the end of the day to their mud hut only to be lashed mercilessly by a wealthy landowner. Oh sorry, did we say back in time? We met next week – as the Irish government’s latest wacky scheme to restore the economy seems intent on casting Ireland back to medieval times. We’re paraphrasing slightly, but the Government’s four-year plan, revealed this week, means anyone with an income of less than 20,000 euros will be held by their heels above a big pot with the word “budget” on the side

and shaken until every drop of cash they have falls from their threadbare pockets to swell the coffers of the comfortably-off. “Every person in Ireland knows they will be punished for the greed of a few, and the mismanagement of our economic affairs,” said John Douglas, Mandate general secretary. “The time has come for this Government and its successor to implement an economic strategy that shares the pain proportionately and equally - unfortunately the fouryear plan does not do this.” We suggest you apply for your visa extension right now.

TOUR ORDER AT LAST some good news for the people back home – Daniel O’Donnell is going to wind down his touring schedule.

COCK IN AIR IS OFF AIR THAT DJ who got his cock out and started bashing one out on a flight from Cork to Heathrow in front of horrified passengers won’t be back on air (or presumably in it) until the new year at least, his employers have claimed. Cork DJ Neil Prendeville has not presented his weekday talk show on Cork’s 96fm since the beginning of November, when he started knocking one out mid-flight.

BUTT MISS! WELL the country’s current economic predicament might be shit but what of the future? What of the young ones coming through now, our best and brightest young students who are Ireland’s greatest natural resource. Well at St Mary’s Boys Primary School in Limerick, one young scholar proved he’s already quite the debater after winning an argument with the school’s principal. Unfortunately, he did it by headbutting her so hard it broke her nose.

BACK IN THE COLD COUNTRY JUST when you thought it couldn’t get any worse in Ireland, our old friend ‘the weather’ has decided to take a turn for the worse.

Unfortunately, the be-cardiganned 49-year-old said he doesn’t plan on retiring. “In December 2011, I will celebrate my 50th birthday! It will have been 30 years this coming January since I started my career,” he said. “I have now decided that at the end of 2011 I will take a break from extensive touring.”

At the time of writing, Ireland was bracing itself for temperatures as low as –5 degrees marking the start of a cold snap expected to last at least a week. Snow was expected in Ulster and Leinster, with sleet expected for Connacht and Munster.

BROTHERLY LOVE THAT weird Irish brother and sister who married and are expecting their second child, are leaving the country after complaining about a lack of support. Wonder why? Freaks.

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GOSSIP DENNIS’ RADIO COX-POP MEDICALLY insane basketballer-turnedbasketcase Dennis Rodman (pictured. No seriously, that’s really him) has proven himself as a real multi-tasker, calling into a radio station during sex.

ROTTEN PASSENGER

wanna know?” before confessing that “she is going at it right now... it is awesome.” It wasn’t long before somebody alerted his publicist, who sent the following pre-written apology.

LOOKS like Jay Kay from Jamiroquai drew the short end of the stick, as he was stuck next to Johnny Rotten on his ﬂight to Australia.

“Dennis was clearly intoxicated and doesn’t remember much. He wants to apologise to his family, friends and fans, and says it was a bad day for his ongoing alcohol issues.”

Jay said: “He is a f****** nuisance. I was seated next to him on a ﬂight and the whole trip he just kept farting. It was totally foul.

He called in to Miami’s Jorge Sedano Show on Tuesday morning to talk about sport, but things soon turned too inappropriate for breakfast radio when the host heard a woman moaning and groaning in the background.

As for his sexual issues? It was a bloody top day! Or bottom day, depending on his preference.

Quizzed by Sedano on the commotion, Rodman warned: “You sure you

“He kept saying, ‘Oh, that wasn’t me’ or, ‘The meal smells a bit off, don’t you think?’ He drove me insane.”

MILEY Cyrus turned 18 last week. It’s about time. She can Hannah our Montana anytime.

NOT A COLE LOT OF SINGING GOING ON HERE AND now for something completely different, Cheryl Cole is under strife for her X-Factor performance. Cheryl is more than happy to dish out the criticism when sat in her judge’s chair but she appears less than happy to show off her own vocal talents whenever she performs on X Factor. Last year, she received the traditional complaints to OFCOM for appearing to mime during her performance of Fight For This Love, so you would think that she learnt her lesson and sung live this series.

live when she performed Promise This. She didn’t even take to the stage during the live Sunday results show, recording her performance 40 minutes earlier. Then again things could be worse, she could be Nadine Coyle.

Bzzzz, wrong. Cheryl was once again attacked for not singing

BBM was surprised this week that there wasn’t another piece of Justin Bieber merchandise for us to mock. They’re milking that cow worse than the Twilight saga! But Warner Bros. may take the cake, recently trademarking the Quidditch name for a whole range of products, including lingerie. You heard us right. We think it’s time for Warner Bros. to release the range next year to coincide with the ﬁnal ﬁlm - Who wouldn’t want quidditch lingerie?!

Coyle’s album Insatiable has only sold 5450 copies in the UK.

We can see the advertising campaign right now - “Steal your Snitch inside a pair of Quidditch underwear” - it’s easy money, we tell ya! In other Harry Potter news, it has been alleged that one of the stars has fathered a baby, if the secretsharing website ‘Post Secret’ is anything to go by. Tom Felton, who plays Draco, posted on Twitter that ‘i can be cancelled out of this equation’ That leaves Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Jason Isaacs, twins James and Oliver Phelps and Alan Rickman.

WE are slowly falling into a pit of lego and if the latest fashion trends are anything to go by, we have no hope of survival. As if wearing tights as pants were bad enough, lego hats are the new craze - as shown off by Will.I.am’s new headgear at the American Music Awards last week. Of course, the outﬁt wasn’t complete without a lego necklace. Apparently all your big brands - Gucci, Calvin Klein, Fon Dutch - are scambling to include lego outﬁts in their next collection. Thanks Will.I.am for destroying this world once again. We still haven’t forgiven you for Imma Be.

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GOSSIP

SHANE’S TV WARNE-ING

KEEPING MOM-SEN IT’S a transformation that Lady Gaga would be proud of - Taylor Momsen’s spiral from Girl-Next-Door to Courtney Love’s lovechild. Seriously, look at the photo evidence below, that isn’t a halloween costume on the right. It’s apparently appropriate attire for a red carpet event. Now Taylor has been suspended from her role on Gossip Girl, where she has only appeared in four episodes of the current season. Just quietly, we’re upset producers didn’t use the old soap route and recast another blonde into the role. We love when that happens. During her hiatus, the young star will also be juggling her role as the face of both Madonna’s Material Girl fashion line and John Galliano’s latest perfume campaign, which we’re sure is paying a lot more than being the only blonde on Gossip Girl we can

actually understand (hello, mumbling Blake Lively if you’re reading). It doesn’t seem like punishment either, as a source told US Magazine that “She only does [the show] for the money. She doesn’t care about the plot or the other cast members. She treats it like a 9-5. No emotional investment.” You have to remember, she’s only seventeen and, ignoring the awkward breastﬂashing at concerts, we all go through a rebellious phase as children. BBM is no different, remember we once were British Balls for pete’s sake! Then again, we might just be waiting until her 18th birthday to proclaim how ﬁt she actually is. July 26, here we come!

get your TAX BACK

BBM was very disappointed last week, we were hoping that Warnie was an expose on his textual exploits especially since it was paired alongside Charlie Sheen’s True Hollywood Story. Instead, we were ‘treated’ to an hour of Advanced Hair Studio commercials with a couple of celebrity interviews slotted inbetween. We heard Jay Leno isn’t even interested in stealing the talk show from Warne after seeing the ﬁrst episode, which says a lot. It says a lot when in America, you actually have to be a comedian to be a late night host. Down here, you just have to play a bit for sport for a while. Then again, we’re probably just upset that our BBM Uncensored TV Show was never green-lighted.

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GOSSIP THE OTHER BIG O

BATTEN down the hatches, it’s that time when housewives across America scam free electronics while the poor go begging - yes, it’s Oprah’s Favourite Things - for the last time ever. Mary in BBM’s sales team is sobbing as we speak. However, her reaction to the giveaways provided by the leader of the free world are nothing to the usual hysteria from the

crowd, who are lured into the studio under the false pretence of celebrity interviews and surprised by a healthy dose of giveaways. We can just imagine an angry fan suing because “I just wanted to see John Travolta!” So, in the spirit of giving, BBM is thrilled to bring to you our top six (that’s how indie and different we are) reactions from the Favourite Things crowd.

LOOKS like Gordon Ramsay’s been cooking up a little trouble in the kitchen (what’s new?). The TV chef recently added fuel to the long standing feud between him and cheeky chappy Jamie Oliver by branding the happy go lucky geezer as a mere cook and stating that he himself is a chef. He then continued to get personal by saying that the Essex chef could also stand to lose a few pounds. Perhaps Gordo should stop whinging about Jamie Oliver and get back to turning burger bars into wanky establishments.

E “I CAN’T BELIEVE SH ISN’T GIVING AWAY O DANDRUFF SHAMPO THIS YEAR!”

“OH, HOLD ME! SUGA R ISN’T GONNA LAST LONG AT THE THOUGHT OF A NEW iPAD”

“AN O MAGAZINE ALL SUBSCRIPTION! IT’S I’VE EVER WANTED!”

FINALLY, the people have revolted against the Twilight take over. Four brave men of Birmingham began the uprising by twatting Bronson Pelletier, who plays Jared the werewolf, in the nose. Good on you.

“I MISSED MY MOTH ER FUNERAL FOR A FR ’S EE SET OF STEAK KNIVE S!”

GOD, “FOR THE LOVE OF DON’T SING! IT AINT OVER UNTIL THE FAT LADY SINGS!”

“THIS IS THE PERFEC T TIME TO SHOW OFF OUR INAPPROPRIAT E CELEBRATION DANC E.”

THE PRICE IS RIGHT

WE presume you have better things to do than follow Katie ‘Jordan’ Price on Twitter every minute of the day, so we’ll break the horrifying news - she has revealed to her Twitter followers that she is to launch a new reality TV show called Jordan Idol.

The show, part of Katie’s multimillion-pound contract with Living TV, will see her leading a search for the next glamour model. Meanwhile, Peter Andre is hosting the local pub’s talent search every Tuesday after the meat rafﬂe. She stated that women of all shapes and sizes were welcome to try out for the show, but warned ‘individuality is a must to audition for Jordan Idol’. She denied reports

that wannabes would have to ﬁght husband Alex Reid in a UFC ﬁght to advance to the next round, which is a shame because BBM really was looking forward to it.

Apparently, Katie made the decision to go ahead with the show after so many of her fans asked for her secrets on how she found fame, and she was running out of her plastic surgeon’s business cards. Katie believes she is getting too old for modelling and that she is keen to ﬁnd a youngster capable of taking over from her, which is a shame because her son is eight years old. Surely they could’ve been a big hit over on Toddlers and Tiaras?

HOW could we forget! Britain are in for a major hoik in taxes if Prince Harry gets his own way. The ginger ninja is apparently planning an almighty blow out before Will gets his ball and chain and apparently the palace is up in arms as they don’t much like the security costs of having both heirs on a boozey piss up in Shagaluf. We reckon they should just hire out the local rec centre and get a couple of kegs and Nazi costumes. Job done.

BBM-584 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SOAPS CORONATION ST. JOHN is sent into a panic mode when Colin Fishwick’s mother turns up on the scene. She ﬁnds that Colin has gone missing, hasn’t been back to his job and has left his bedsit. Fiz urges John to tell Joy Fishwick that he knows who the attacker is – but what will John do? Meanwhile, Leanne conﬁdes in Carla about her secret affair with Nick, and Carla is happy to be in the know due to her growing feelings for Peter.

John discovers that the mystery stalker packages that have been arriving are from Charlotte but how will he handle her now, knowing she is the only one who knows he killed Colin Fishwick? Michelle becomes suspicious of Carla’s behaviour and goes through her phone to ﬁnd that she has been calling Peter Barlow. Concerned, Michelle conﬁdes in Ciaran, who goes straight to Peter and demands answers from his mate.

EastEnders WITH Ian and Zainab both competing for the Argee Bargee, they attempt to bribe the estate agent in a hope of winning the auction. Later Ian sneaks into Zainab’s house to ﬁnd out more about her bidding on the restaurant, where the women are all gathering before the auction at The Queen Vic. As the women start to chat, Jane breaks down in tears and Ian over hears Jane saying she doesn’t love him anymore and is going to leave. How will Ian react

to the devastating news? Meanwhile Ryan is still curious as to Stacey and Lily’s whereabouts, and when he twigs that Kat knows where she is, he begs her to let him come with her for a visit. A jealous Janine locks Ryan in the cold storage room in the kitchen. When Pat ﬁnds out what she’s done Janine says Ryan cares more about Stacey than her. Meanwhile things aren’t going well for Tamwar when his new girlfriend’s father comes round.

BELA tells Charlie how devastated he is by Suzanne’s behaviour and later returns to work in Vinos – with some conditions. The stress eventually takes its toll on Bela. And it’s no expense spared for Charlie as he goes all out on his date with Esther - tea and sandwiches in McCoy’s! Meanwhile, Mark gets frustrated with Damien while Carol pits Neasa and Yvonne against each other. TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

|ʆ

HOLLYOAKS + IN THE aftermath of Malachy and Steph’s death due to the ﬁre, Hollyoaks is not a happy village.

out that Bart had been bullying Dom he ﬁnds Bart and punches him in front of Tom.

Jasmine continues to struggle with her gender identity and This week, Tony talks Dom Jem finds out when she into admitting he started the overhears Bart and Jasmine fire, but we later learn that Bart has put pictures of Amber talking about her being Jason, and wanting to be a boy. in her pyjamas on his laptop. Dom realises the laptop is in Il Gnosh and Tony, being in financial meltdown, is resolved to burn the place down. Upon his shock confession to Tony, Dom turns himself in. When Gilly finds 24

Jem tries to convince Jasmine she can never tell her parents as their father will disown her. When Jem makes up a story about Jasmine wanting to join the girls rugby team at school in front of their father it is clear how he feels.

Emmerdale IT’S the episode we’ve been waiting nearly a year for!

isn’t going to let things go easily.

Natasha is ﬁnally sentenced for Mark’s murder, but Nathan and Maisie are clearly upset by the news that their mother will be receiving at least 21 years inside.

Declan is still frustrated because his estranged wife Ella hasn’t signed over the deeds for Home Farm to him.

Nathan later drinks himself stupid in the pub and gloats to Ryan that he is now a millionaire as he’s sold Home Farm, and also says that Maisie stuck by him and not Ryan. The pair begin to scrap but Declan pulls them apart. Nathan clearly

Alicia is forced to assert some authority over Leyla when she gets too motherly with Jacob. And Chas puts her plan to destroy Carl in motion, planning a lavish wedding for Christmas day. She even asks Eve to be a bridesmaid – but what lengths is she going to go to in order to humiliate the pair for their affair? BBM-584 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

THE WRAP

FILM

SAY HI TO YOUR MUM ON Friday December 3, Sydney’s biggest indie club MUM will be spilling out of The World Bar and taking over Melt Bar and Iguana Bar, putting on 20 epic bands and 20 awesome DJs - it’ll be the ﬁrst ever satellite festival held in Kings Cross. We still have tickets to giveaway, visit bbmlive.com for details.

PUTTING IT IN MOTION MOTION are taking over the Hollywood Hotel in Surry Hills, turning it into an authentic 1970’s disco, complete with mirror balls, glitter and halter-neck one piece outﬁts. Motion Saturday, December 4th Hollywood Hotel, Surry Hills

1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3

FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

And make sure to check out our awesome Muse competition below! Brisbane Entertainment Centre 5th & 6th December Acer Arena, Sydney 9th & 10th December

Rod Laver Arena, Melbourne 14th & 15th December Steel Blue Oval, Perth 19th December

TICKETS THROUGH TICKETEK

HARRY POTTER

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MEGAMIND

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MUSIC

1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3

HYSTERIA OVER MUSE CAN you blame us for being excited for Muse’s second set of shows this year? Total Guitar Magazine recently picked Plug In Baby as the riff of the decade and we can’t wait to hear it live.

WEEKEND WEEKS IN TOTAL BOX EARNINGS RELEASE OFFICE

HIGHEST WEEKS IN POSITION RELEASE

THE TIME

WE R WHO WE R

KE$HA

FAR*EAST MOVEMENT

LIKE A G6

LOVE YOU MORE

JLS

TAKE THAT

THE FLOOD

ELLIE GOULDING

YOUR SONG

FAR*EAST MOVEMENT

LIKE A G6

ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD

RIHANNA

BRUNO MARS

WE LOVE INDIE’S

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

LAST WEEK

BLACK EYES PEAS

JUST THE WAY YOU ARE

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

INDIE BITE

DURAN Duran are back and with a good reason. Gone are the days of easy cheesy songs, here are the serious men with proper pop. All You Need is Now is Duran Duran’s new offering and it really is all you need now. Out on iTunes in December I’d be writing the date down now. The future predicts a lot of Duran Duran on the charts. What more can you expect when the original boy band and the best producer Mark Ronson join up and give us this. Bring on December so that Christmas can be a poppy one! With all four original members comes a pop song that will knock your socks off. Proving that they still have it and still should be paid attention too. Sorry Take That but now these guys are back you might have to take a back seat for a while. PRESENTED BY WE LOVE INDIE, SATURDAY NIGHTS AT THE FORBES HOTEL SYDNEY

COMPETITIONS OUR friends at Paul Strange Presents and Space Ibiza are offering a double pass and a T-Shirt every week from now until the Space Ibiza Festival. Don’t miss out on your chance to see Andy C, Steve Lawler and Netsky live!

IN celebration of Muse hitting Australian shores, BBM are giving away 3 huge album packs including Hullabaloo Soundtrack, Absolution, Black Holes and Revelations and The Resistance. It’s the perfect way to get ready for their biggest tour yet!

TO ENTER, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/COMPETITIONS

GET ready to set sail aboard a boat party like no other - be prepared to be pleasured both visually and aurally. Join the revolution - The Pukka Up Dirty Cops are set to run riot, you have been warned. BBM is giving away a crazy ten double passes to the December 18 event!

FOR one night, the Loft and Bunglaow8 join together in welcoming 2011 alongside international DJ’s including Frankie Knuckles & Crazy Penis. BBM are giving away a double pass to the event every week leading to NYE!

BBM-584 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

INTERV INTER VIEW

according to jim...... JIM Carrey has managed to not only create some memorable characters of his own, but also breathe new life into pre-existing works such as The Riddler, Count Olaf and The Grinch. Carrey now tackles Ebenezer Scrooge and the three Christmas Ghosts in Bob Zemeckis’ (Back to the Future) take on A Christmas Carol. BBM spoke to Jim about the challenges involved. You play Scrooge at various ages as well as the three ghosts. What was it like playing multiple characters? There were a lot of challenging aspects to the ﬁlm, but once I got into it I found the process worked well and Bob Zemeckis made things very easy for me. He would ask: ‘who do you feel like today?’ But really, every spirit is an aspect of Scrooge’s personality and that is how Bob approached it. I have to relax a little bit on a ﬁlm like this, because when you look at the whole process it really is a daunting challenge. There are regional accents which are hard. I had a wonderful voice coach to help me – but I am still waiting for the response from the UK, from the British Isles [laughs]. How challenging is it to react when you are acting opposite yourself, playing the different characters that are interacting with each other? You know, I had the most incredible help anyone could ever ask for from Cary Elwes. He played opposite

me in all the scenes, playing all the characters, to give me a reference point and it was wonderful to play the scenes with him. He is a genius. Can I tell a point of interest about Cary Elwes? I just want to mention it because it is fascinating. Scrooge was based on one of his great, great, great, great uncles, John Elwes. He was a member of parliament and was so cheap and mean that he would wear the same clothes all the time even when they were in tatters, he wore a wig that he found in the garbage and he wouldn’t buy new game until he had eaten all the meat that he had, even if it was rancid he would finish it. This was the man Dickens based Scrooge on. It must’ve been fun watching the film, with all the completed characters? Can I tell you how freaky it is for me doing this film? When I saw the movie, one of the first things I said upon looking at the first close up image of Scrooge was: ‘my family is going to have a heart attack because that is my father’ [laughs]. He was not Scrooge, he was the happy version of the character, the day after the ghosts have visited him, but it is unbelievable, it is really a look into the future for me. I am in the modern age of course, but that is what I am going to look like. [laughs] And I wouldn’t have it any other way. A Christmas Carol is available right now on Blu-Ray and DVD.

BRENDA

27, entrepreneur, 11th voted out

Brenda seemed to have everything going for her - her alliance had a hidden immunity idol, the numbers and Chase seemed to have a giant crush on her. But you know what they say about the best laid plans... Was it your plan to get into such a position of power initially? As far as strategy goes, I didn’t know what I was going to do going out there because you can’t predict who you’ll be dealing with. You really need to be yourself out there because your true nature comes out. I just had a group of friends who stuck with me from the Shannon vote and from there we had the power - there was a lot of luck! What was the deal with Chase, was there anything he wasn’t willing to do for you? [laughs] Chase is the sweetest, cutest guy ever! I never saw until I watched the episodes back how loyal he was to me until the very last minute. He really stuck by me the whole way and that was so nice, it doesn’t really make sense on Survivor but he went with his heart and

did what he felt was the right thing to do. I’ve never met anyone like that before. If you made it to the final, who were you planning to take? I would’ve loved to take NaOnka and Purple Kelly to the final, but I didn’t think it would matter who I took - I thought I could talk my way into winning. So getting there was my first priority. So what happened with NaOnka and Sash - when did you realise they were targeting you? After the zipline reward, I told NaOnka to see whether Sash would try to save Marty. She went and told him that I was willing to vote him off, and I didn’t realise NaOnka was targeting me until literally just before we went to my last tribal council. Survivor airs Tuesday nights on Channel Nine. To listen to our extended interview with Brenda, visit our Survivor Hub: bbmlive.com/survivor.html

BBM-584 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

INTERVIEW

HUGE ROCK STARS

FOR EVEN MORE INTERVIEWS THAT ARE TOO HOT FOR THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/CELEBRITY-INTERVIEWS

the theatrics of WWE Fozzy brings together o and the creativity ich Jer is Chr tar ers sup rd to deliver some Wa h Ric jo’s Mo ck of Stu ly shows. Touring live and s um alb e awesom the Grail, Fozzy sing Cha , um alb their new e 2005 including sinc e tim rst ﬁ return for the ture Guns N’ fea will t tha w sho a Sydney BEN HARLUM t. foo ble Bum st Roses’ guitari discuss. to is Chr h wit caught up

k is that Bumblefoot The big news this wee be taking the stage will from Guns N’ Roses , how did that come with Fozzy in Sydney about? when you’re a touring It’s one of those things to see each other. d har it’s re whe musician n friends for a while and Bumble and I have bee k our shows in New Yor he hung out at one of lier away from touring ear City when he had time behold eight months in the year. So low and ﬁrst ing to Sydney for the later, here we are com es are going Ros N’ s Gun and rs time in ﬁve yea t. I didn’t even realise to be there the next nigh , so I emailed him ago ks wee of ple cou until a ’re e and jam with us. We com to eed agr he and Roses on Saturday, gonna go see Guns N’ g us out on Friday so Bumblefoot is checkin vs. Guns N’ Roses it’s going to be a Fozzy weekend in Sydney! h evolved since 2005, wit How has the live set all your new material? more of the new songs. Like you said, it’s just

the new record live so We’re doing almost half really well in a live ing the songs are translat rgetic and the band setting, they’re really ene a rejuvenation of it’s so r eve n is tighter tha ly thankful for is that Fozzy. One thing I’m real still growing. There’s re we’ rs, yea en after elev are still getting bigger who ds ban y man not it’s a position we’re after eleven years, so From a live standpoint really happy to be in. , of our game right now we’re really at the top r. tou UK this r afte lly especia Festival, do played the Download you In 2005 tivals? you enjoy playing fes e e band and really com Yeah, we’re a big stag of the cool things that alive in that setting. One we t European tour was tha happened in this last so minent booking agency picked up a really pro the r ove s ival fest se tho ing hitt be ll hopefully we’ get festivals because you summer. We love the t you can be and turn bes the be to s ute 45 min that’s the stage where some heads, and for us to the next level. we can take the band

INTERVIEW Earlier in the year, BBM mourned the end of last decade’s best show - 24. However, we were thrilled this week to catch up with Chris Diamantopoulos (far right) and John Boyd (far left) to celebrate the DVD and Blu-Ray release of 24: Season 8 - available from December 1. Can you tell me a bit about your characters? Chris: I play Rob Weiss, chief of staff to President Allison Taylor. He kind of represents a young guard in 24’s Washington. John: I play Arlo Glass, who is an analyst at CTU. He’s a young, a sort of conﬁdent, cocky analyst who is in charge of drone surveillance. So, a techie ﬂying drones around, spying on people. What kind of bribes do you get from your friends

to reveal a plotline? John: See that watch? [laughs] And which one of you is the mole? John: [To Chris] I think you and I as newbies could hit up for these kinds of questions. We were at a press event the other day and a reporter wanted to know something about a plot line. She came up to us and goes, ‘I just need to know if so and so is alive or dead. It’s all over Twitter. Can you guys conﬁrm?’ Chris: Right. She was trying to get information out of these two idiots. She was working it. CTU never seems to get any better at weeding out the moles. Chris: They’re too focused on... ...on great monitors. Chris: That’s right! A glossy ﬁnish is important in mass terrorism. Do the CTU phones still have the same ringtone? Chris: Gosh, I hope

w the crowd away at I know you really ble all chanting ‘Fozzy’ Download, they were after the gig… e was that we hadn’t don The cool thing about it done a festival had we ore bef it like anything d’s a different animal. in Germany but Downloa Flogging Molly on ed There was a band call the house down, so I before us and they tore to follow them. But g was really nervous tryin their set there was a ed the moment they ﬁnish to I knew we were going huge ‘Fozzy’ chant so utation that day, rep our e mad ly real be okay. We g ews and I think Kerran we got some great revi hates everything we ly mal nor who e, azin mag rise best band of the do, said we were the surp day. 2nd, Hi-Fi Melbourne: December Factory The , 3rd er emb Dec : Sydney 4th, Hi-Fi Brisbane: December with Chris, visit For our full interview bbmlive.com

so. A lot of that stuff gets added in [in post production]. John: But I can tell you that I have the 24 clock app for my phone. It’s cool. Chris: So does your phone wake you with Kiefer’s voice: ‘Wake up now? Wake up!’ Do you have a favourite moment from 24, from any point in the series? Chris: Yes. Season 7, in the beginning— Kiefer jumps into a car, face first into the driver’s seat, and he’s shooting out of the window. As they are coming after him—he uses the mirror to see them coming—he starts the car with his hands and using his hand, puts it in reverse, pushes the accelerator, goes out of the back of the parking lot, and through the parking structure, lands the car on its bumper, flips out, gets out of it... It’s one of the best escapes I have ever seen. So awesome. You know, I still think that Kiefer actually did that. Don’t tell me he didn’t. He definitely did that! Thanks to Fox Home Entertainment, we have five copies of 24: Season 8 to give away. Visit bbmlive. com/competitions for details!

BBM-584 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

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INTERVIEW PAPA vs. Pretty have found themselves with a reputation for a lively, energetic live set, catching the attention of fans and media across the country. ALEXANDRA McINTYRE spoke to lead singer Tom Rawle, about their new EP Heavy Harm, which they launch at The East Brunswick Club in Melbourne on December 1 and at Oxford Art Factory in Sydney on December 2. Paul Dempsey is the producer on Heavy Harm, how did you feel about working with such a well-known name? Paul is an amazing songwriter. We supported him at Beach Road Hotel and I remember he got up on stage and was saying “this band is really amazing” and we were just going, “what?!”

Then I met him and it was really surreal, I was going to someone at the label’s house and I thought it was a meeting with them and Paul but it was just Paul and I, and we just ended up sitting in the house listening to records all afternoon. Do you feel that you have become a lot tighter and found more direction as a group with this EP? From your older stuff it certainly looks and sounds that way. Most deﬁnitely. It’s different because this EP is more like a step to us towards the album. Everything we had been doing before that was more pacing wildly around the step. I think the album that we are about to record has a lot more preparation

going into it, it shows a progression of our work. You have gained a lot of fame from your live shows, is there any pressure with these shows coming up to perform well? Not really. I’m actually more excited about these because the music was written to be played in a live atmosphere. We have been rehearsing so much and just practicing that there is now a flow to our performance that I have never had with a band before. We are using mostly album material in these shows so I am really excited about the performances. You have played at Oxford Art Factory before, how do you find it as a venue? OAF is definitely our favourite venue! Are you just saying that? No it really is, they are always really professional and they have amazing bands play there all the time.

TOUR DATES: 1st December 2010, East Brunswick Club Melbourne // 2nd December 2010, Oxford Art Factory Sydney // 29th December 2010, Peats Ridge Festival // 31st December 2010, Pyramid Rock Festival // 3rd January 2011 Corner Hotel Melbourne // 6th January 2011, Factory Theatre Sydney

INTERVIEW WHEN BEN HARLUM caught up with the guys from Gypsy and the Cat, Xavier (right) is baiting Lionel (left) about overstating Led Zeppelin’s influence in a previous interview with Triple J. They’re clearly having fun promoting their album, Gilgamesh, an excellent debut which is popping up all over the newspapers, magazines and radio worldwide. Your first gig was in London, what was the reaction from the crowd? Xavier: Really good, people were cheering and they hadn’t heard most of our songs previously so they were intently listening. After every song they were going haywire. How did living overseas and working with international producers influence you? Lionel: It didn’t really influence our sound, it only improved the sonics. The album was essentially written and produced in

Melbourne, so it was only beeﬁng the sound science. You two clearly don’t have identical tastes in music... Lionel: [laughs] Well we both like Led Zeppelin... ...what is the collaboration process like? Xavier: Not like this, we’re just bickering. [laughs] It’s a really fun process, but it’s a secret! Lionel: We can’t tell you, the magic just happens. Xavier: Well, I wouldn’t call it magic. Lionel: It’s magic to me!

A lot of the press brought up that you’re now using Lily Allen’s live band. How conscious are you of changing up the live set? Xavier: We’ve been using them, and now we’re going to rehearse more players. The longer that Gypsy and the Cat go on, the more players that will come in for the live set. We aspire to have thirteen musicians onstage like Stevie Wonder does! [laughs] It’s really important because the band’s bread and butter is that live show, and it has to be rocking. What about the festival set - you have Big Day Out coming up in January - do you change things up there? Xavier: Our favourite song, Side of a Tear, never gets played at a festival because it’s too slow. Lionel: We have to try and up the ante as much as possible.

BBM-584 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

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ALCOHOLFREE ZONE

WHAT’S ON

Fozzy

SYDNEY

Eliza Doolittle ELIZA will be playing an exclusive Sydney headline show in support of her debut self-titled album. Inspired by the garage mentality of 1960’s and ‘70s pop, Doolittle’s infectiously catchy tracks Pack Up and Skinny Genes have seen her quickly become one of BBM’s artists to watch in 2010. Doolittle’s album was released in the U.K. back in July, debuting at No.3 and after just four weeks was certiﬁed gold. When: Tuesday November 30 Time: 8pm Where: Oxford Art Factory Cost: General Admission $33

THERE is no doubt that Fozzy are one of the most dynamic and energetic live acts on the scene. Chris Jericho brings his WWE theatrics to the stage along with Rich Ward’s (Stuck Mojo) lively stage presence and fretboard wizardry topped off by the technical powerhouse rhythm section of Frank Fontsere and Sean Delson. As Chris explains in our interview on page 30, Guns N’ Roses’ guitarist Bumblefoot will be sharing the stage with the band during their Sydney gig. When: Friday December 3 Time: 8pm Where: The Factory Cost: General Admission $45

GUNS N’ Roses. Enough said, right? The band will return to Australia for the ﬁrst time since 2007. The Telstra 500 will be their only Sydney date - so get in quick! Where: ANZ Stadium When: Saturday December 4 Cost: From $85

Where: Hordern Pavilion When: Saturday December 4 Cost: $85

WHEN Jeff Martin (The Tea Party) and Terepai Richmond (The Whitlams) came together for an one-off exclusive show, the two hit it off famously, playing off each other as if they’d been jamming together for years. So much so, Jeff & Terepai have forged together, to take to the road on their National World’s Apart tour throughout December.

THE Lemonheads are returning to Australia to perform It’s A Shame About Ray in its entirety. In addition, the band will also play a selection of favourites from their other eight releases. Where: Metro Theatre When: Wednesday December 1 Cost: $52

KORN are touring as the special guests for Guns N’ Roses, who are here for the Telstra 500 V8 Supercars. They will be playing three solo shows this month outside of supporting Gunners.

December 4: Herritage Hotel, Bulli December 5: Gearins, Katoomba December 7: Lizottes, Kincumber December 8: Lizottes, Dee Why December 9: Coolangatta Hotel December 10: Hi-Fi Brisbane December 11 & 12 Jive, Adelaide December 15: Tonic Bar, Launceston December 16: Wrest Point, Hobart

AFTER being in the limelight for well over a decade, Reel Big Fish will be bringing their A-game to face the Aquabats in a ferocious one on one battle... this will be one for the ages! Where: UNSW Roundhouse When: Friday December 3 Cost: $57

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WHAT’S ON MELBOURNE

COMBINING the “Master of Horror” Edgar Allan Poe with Australia’s own master of theatrical terror Barrie Kosky was always going to get the spine tingling. As Malthouse mounts a staging of the celebrated “The Tell-Tale Heart” audiences leave in stunned silence. With Austrian actor Martin Niedermair taking centre stage, this celebrated production returns

to the city of its inception for a brief period. For anyone who enjoys a chilling horror, this piece is pure heaven. When: Until December 2 Where: The Malthouse, Southbank Cost: $23 - $49

FOR those who have come across for The Ashes but want a cultural diversion, Melbourne Ballet Company’s latest staging of their signature production “Inﬁnite Space” offers just the thing.

trip to ‘Swan Lake’. With Melbourne upping its game in the global dance scene, this is your chance to see groundbreaking dance theatre at its ﬁnest.

Integrating live motion capture and 3D steroprojection to place the dancers in an interactive 3D world - this is not your standard

YES, we know we are looking at Melbourne and you didn’t come to Australia to see an exhibition by one of America’s upcoming contemporary artists Taryn Simon – but you will no doubt pop down to Melbourne’s arts quarter – Fitzroy – so whilst you are there, what’s the harm in having a sneaky peak? Simon spent ﬁve years compiling this intriguing

When: December 3-4 @ 7.30pm Where: The Arts Centre, 100 St Kilda Road Cost: $32 - $98

collection of images that take a look at a hidden America. Inspired by rumours of WMDs and secret sites in Iraq, Simon unveils dark institutions that go unmentioned in her home country. When: Until December 12 Where: CCP, 404 George St, Fitrzoy Cost: Free

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Crime Scene Exhibition GIVEN that the world is a little bit obsessed with cop dramas – from the now cancelled The Bill through to CSI – this insight into the Victoria Police Historical Services Archives is beyond intriguing. Whilst television dramas project a created scenario, the images for perusal allow unusual access to real life crimes.

When: Until January 31 Where: Victorian Archives Centre, 99 Shiel St, North Melbourne

Melbourne’s chefs, artists and writers to personally and creatively interpret their city.

FOR those wanting to get to know Melbourne’s suburbs better, there is no better way to do it than with your tastebuds. Cookbook north/south features an inquisitive exploration of ten of Melbourne’s suburbs via recipes, original artwork and short stories.

Help celebrate the launch of this not-for-proﬁt publication (letterpress printed by hand, with a limited edition of 500).

Facilitated by Wolfgang, Shlomo & Max, this collaborative project is a platform for

When: Monday, November 29 @ 6:00pm Where: Craft Victoria, 31 Flinders Lane

SYDNEY four-piece The Jezabels formed in 2007 after meeting at the University of Sydney and spent two years piecing together their debut EP “The Man Is Dead”. The success of the EP was almost instant, with Sydney’s FBi Radio picking up on the quartet quicker than you can blink your eyes. With a rapidly growing fanbase, The Jezabels

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With a focus on the 1920s-1950s, this provides a fascinating insight to Melbourne’s underworld. Images are aligned with case notes, provoking the realisation that the issues of today are the same issues of yesterday.

have been spending a lot of time in Melbourne of late and Monday night’s gig will be your last chance to catch them here for a short while. We advise catching them now before they explode! When: Monday, November 29 Where: East Brunswick Club, 280 Lygon St, Brunswick East Cost: $15

MELBOURNE NEWS CHAVVING A BALL FOR those of you who, like BBM, come from a small English town in the arse end of nowhere, the sight of a chavved up Vauxhall Corsa blaring out Scooter, Cascada or some other Eurodance shit as it does laps around the local school is an almost daily occurrence. Almost as annoying are the mobs of dark-haired, paleskinned eyeliner-wearing ghoul kids who hang around park benches outside the same school looking miserable and talking about the ‘deep’ and ‘meaningful’ lyrics of Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance. Well evidence that these two usually

polarised youth subcultures have created a horrifying hybrid emerged in Melbourne this week when a ‘hoon’ driver was spotted doing burn outs in a hearse at a cemetery. “The driver of the hearse is to be interviewed in relation to hoon driving offences,’’ Acting Sergeant Dean Owen said. “[We understand] he was friends with some of the people and getting urged on to do it.’’ What’s next? Burberry– clad vampires? Citroen Saxos with customised blue lights, and blacked out windows playing Fields of Nephilim at full volume? Dear God.

DOUBLE DECKED HER WE’VE all heard of people, women mainly, who forget to put their handbrake on after parking and promptly get run over by their own car. Well a 37-year-old woman from Melbourne didn’t just get hit by her own car once, but twice this week.

“The driveway was on a slight incline and the car hit her on the way down and then, being unable to move, the car collided with a fence and then ran over her again,” said paramedic Mr Brooks.

In her haste to get out of the vehicle, the unnamed woman forgot to put the brake on and as she got out, was knocked down and run over. And in a ﬁt of cartoon-violence

“The woman said she couldn’t move after being crushed the ﬁrst time. Luckily, she survived which means we can take the piss out of her.

WANNA get stoned to high heaven? Head along to Melbourne – the whole city is blazing that shit up morning, noon and night. That was the case until this week when police cracked a $400 million crime syndicate and seized 8040 cannabis plants with an estimated street value of $30 million. Blimey!

style hilarity, the car then hit a fence, and rolled back over her again.

HOT BED “HOT in the city! Hot in the city tonight!” and “the heat is on! The heat is oh-hon!” were just two of the songs being sung Melbournewide last week as the city sweltered through its hottest night since records began – but only if records began six months ago. Yes the summer ﬁnally peeked over the horizon last Tuesday with temperatures reaching as high as ‘fucking boiling’, according to scientists. Overnight temperatures hovered around the 20-degree mark, according to Bureau of Meteorology’s Michael Efron, with Melbourne hitting a low of 21.7 degrees at 5.06am, marking the city’s hottest night since March 19. True to form, however, it was set to piss it down the rest of the week.

NET NUT THIS story is exactly like Braveheart. Except instead of mediaval Scotland it’s set in modern-day Melbourne. And it’s not the freedom of a country being fought for, it’s the freedom of the internet. And instead of large-scale battles being fought, it’s an online hacking campaign. But apart from all that, it’s exactly the same. Sad bastard teen Steve Slayo was so incensed by the Aussie government’s proposed ﬁlters for the internet he waged a one-man ‘hacking war’ against them, ruining several state and national websites to get his message home. Slayo, a university student, is set to have his genitals publicly removed in front of a baying rabble of English peasants early next month.

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ASHES TRAVEL ADELAIDE

PEOPLE might think of Adelaide as one of those places that isn’t really a ‘must-see’ destination in Australia, but don’t take it for granted. Adelaide is famous not just for its many festivals and sporting events but also for its culinary delights, ﬁne wine and gorgeous scenery. And did you know it was named in honour of Queen Adelaide consort of the King William the IV? Probably not, but it’s always a handy bit of info to have at a pub quiz. So if you’ve got a week to kill between the Adelaide and Perth Tests, why not explore what South Australia has to offer...

MORE TRAVEL TIPS AT BBMLIVE.COM/TRAVEL.HTML

EATING OUT

BAROSSA VALLEY

If you like fresh food one place you cannot miss is the Central Market located, somewhat predictably, in the centre of Adelaide.

It’s a fair trek out of town but taking a trip to one of Australia’s biggest and, arguably, best wine regions is a must for anyone in Adelaide.

There are several conducted tours around town so you can sample fresh food, discover where it comes from and learn a little about the history of the place without having to do any online research beforehand.

Wolf Blass, Jacob’s Creek, Penfolds… some of the biggest names in Australian wine are hidden away in the beautiful Barossa countryside, and if you can get someone to drive you around for the day, you can merrily get pissed for free. What’s not to love!?

Of course you could always go to the restaurant precinct (Gouger St, Hutt St, Melbourne St, O’Connell St, Rundle St) and enjoy the ﬁne food available in almost every culinary style. Port Road is also home to some of the best places to eat in Adelaide, like El Choto, a Spanish gourmet delicatessen which has fantastic jamon ﬁlled rolls, Portuguese tarts and an ingenious selection of wine. It’s like a pilgrimage for the taste buds.

OUT AND ABOUT

views of the state. There are a few companies that organize day trips. It’s deﬁnetly worth it. Take a dip with dolphins If you’re a bit more into relaxing and having fun, why not try swimming with man’s best friend (after dogs)? Yes Adelaide is a great place to go if you want to swim with dolphins, and as an added bonus, you can actually feed them while you’re there.

TAKING IT EASY Fact is, Adelaide is a step away from a hundred hidden experiences and gorgeous views.

On the other hand if you’re looking for something more adventurous you could always go sweat out some calories on a day trip to the beautiful South Australian countryside.

Being the capital of South Australia, Adelaide is great even if you don’t have any particular plans - just go to your room, put some comfy shoes on and hit the streets.

Mountain biking downhill on Mount Lofty is a great experience and as well as keeping you ﬁt and healthy will guarantee you some stunning

You’ll ﬁnd yourself stumbling over inspiring and interesting places in no time.

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ASHES TRAVEL PERTH

AHH, Perth. Tucked away on the west coast of Australia, it’s home to sunshine, natural parklands and the beach lifestyle that’s perfect for a post-Ashes debrief. The weather is fantastic, the beaches are clean and uncrowded, and the city is packed with boutiques, art galleries, eateries and beautiful people. If you’ve got some extra time to spare, consider taking a trip to other hotspots within Western Australia but not a mile away from the city centre.

MORE PERTH TRAVEL ON BBM’S WEBSITE AND THE GO WEST HANDBOOK

Here are BBM’s picks for the top ﬁve places to visit on your trip to Perth, and don’t forget our usual What’s On Perth feature on pages 46 and 47...

SUNDAY SESSION Forget going to church, the end of week ritual for Perthites is the ‘Sunday Session’. Taking place across the city and its suburbs, all you need to do is follow the crowds. One of the best places is Fremantle as you have a number of ﬁne drinking establishments within close reach of the train station along with coffee shops, restaurants, markets and boutiques galore if you decide to take a breather. Part of the fun is to go with work mates and see who ‘pulls up’ worst on Monday morning, but for anyone without that worry it’s no holds barred!

KING’S PARK Visible from the city centre, Kings Park prides itself on being one of the largest inner city parks in the world. It’s deﬁnitely one of Perth’s ‘must do’s’, and it hosts all kinds of events all year round, with a particularly packed schedule of concerts, ﬁlms and festivals over the summer months. There’s an elevated walkway, an amazing playground, botanical gardens, a

whispering wall, cafés and shops all within its grounds. If that all sounds like too much effort, then there are electric barbeques dotted all over the park, so take an eski, your sunhat and tongs and throw another shrimp on the Barbie!

NORTHBRIDGE Perthites often say there’s not much night life in the city, but all you need to do is head to Northbridge to be convinced otherwise. Just north of the CBD, this area is packed with bars, clubs, restaurants and all manner of entertainment. You can go for a civilised glass of wine or sing karaoke until 3am, whichever ﬂoats your boat. Northbridge is a place you want to be involved, rather than a bystander, as it’s much more fun that way! Getting a taxi can be tricky round here, so take some comfy shoes (or hardened feet) as it can be a long walk home.

ROTTNEST Sitting just off the coast of WA is Rottnest

Island, an idyllic place to relax after the hectic cricket schedule! There’s no private cars allowed on the island, so hiring a bike is a great way to take in the scenery. There’s all manner of diving and swimming on offer, in beautiful surroundings as it is a Class A nature reserve. Spend as much or as little as you like, as all different budgets are catered for. Take the ferry, charter an air taxi or even take your own boat – however you get there it’s well worth the trip.

SWAN VALLEY Swan Valley has lots of free food and alcohol available. What more reason do you need to go? Spread over a few kilometres, you’ll want a skipper or organised tour to make the most of it, as trying all the luxury products is a must and you’ll no doubt have a case or two to carry home. There are detailed maps available of the ‘food and wine trail’, which features wine, beer, cheese, olives, chocolate and all manner of seasonal, local produce. There’s also an ‘art trail’ for the more cultured among you. Leave off breakfast as this is a full day out.

BBM-584 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WHAT’S ON PERTH

CHAMPIONED by critics, fans and peers alike as one of the ﬁnest UK metal / hardcore acts of their generation, Brighton’s Architects have got the moves and the riffs. Since forming in 2002, Comeback Kids have turned into one of the most infectious forces in independent music today. As one of the most talked about bands on Soundwave earlier this year be sure not to miss This is Hell - genuine and uncontrived hardcore. When: Wednesday December 8 Where: Capitol Perth Cost: General Admission $50

LAUDED in the UK. Worshipped in Australia. Acclaimed in America, Krafty Kuts is one of the world’s greatest DJ’s. Wherever he plays, he is guaranteed to cause a commotion with top accolades including Best International DJ at the Australian Dance Music Awards, Breakspoll’s Face of Breaks 2003 and a stunning haul at Breakspoll 2007. When: Friday December 3 Where: Villa Nightclub Cost: $45 Other Australian Dates 27th Nov: Family, Brisbane 1st Dec: King St Hotel, Newcastle 4nd Dec: Pang! Wollongong

PHILADELPHIA Grand Jury have come back to Australia for the Save Our Town tour after 6 months living and recording in London, setting up a studio, they will have crossed the U.S. no less than 3 times, played over 50 dates in the UK, toured South Africa and even ducked back to Australia to play the main stage at Splendour in the Grass. Philadelphia Grand Jury are literally explosive on stage. Their only secret is to write great songs and play them like it’s their last show ever. Every single time. When: Friday December 3 Where: Capitol Perth Cost: $20 at the door

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FRIDAY

Felix Fridays 7:30 – 1am DJ’s playing live rock and dance tunes THE SHED Sexy Saturdays HOTEL ROTTNEST Saturday Night Solo

ROSIE O’GRADYS Backpacker Night from 9pm OLD SWAN BARRACKS Speed Pool Comp

SUNDAY

ROSIE O’GRADYS Open Mic night THE NEWPORT HOTEL Gravity and Degraff DJ’s 8pm -1am MURPHYS IRISH PUB Karaoke OLD SWAN BARRACKS Bingo + $7 pizzas

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB Mama Kin DURTY NELLYS Live Acoustic Entertainment ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW Daren Reid and the Soul City Groove 10pm – 1:30am ROSIE O’GRADYS Dublin Rogues 9:30 til late. THE NEWPORT HOTEL Felix Fridays 7:30 – 1am DJ’s playing live rock and dance tunes. THE SHED Heaven Sent

SCARBOROUGH BEACH AMPHITHEATRE Set on the Beach ft Bag Raiders THE SHED Sunday Sessions and Full Irish Breakfast and Magners for $20 ROSIE O’GRADYS Blue Gene from 10pm

SATURDAY

MONDAY

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB Sugar Blue Review ROSEMOUNT Saturday Night Live DURTY NELLYS Red Yeti ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW Time Out the Band 10pm – 1:30am MURPHYS IRISH PUB Rockafellas ROSIE O’GRADYS Blue Gene from 10pm THE NEWPORT HOTEL

BURSWOOD DOME Gorillaz Plastic Beach Tour MURPHYS IRISH PUB Trivia ROSIE O’GRADYS Video Hits and Sports Replays OLD SWAN BARRACKS Pool Comp

TUESDAY MURPHYS IRISH PUB Rockin Ronnie

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY DURTY NELLYS Beef wellington served with roast veggies and a pint of James Squire Amber Ale for just $22 ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW Backpacker and Student Night MURPHYS IRISH PUB Superstar Karaoke Comp ROSIE O’GRADYS Fenton Wilde OLD SWAN BARRACKS Quiz night

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB 1 Holdsworth Street, Fremantle

THE NEWPORT HOTEL 2 South Terrace, Fremantle

HOTEL ROTTNEST 1 Bedford Avenue, Rottnest Island

DURTY NELLY’S 397 Murray Street, Perth

THE SHED 69/71 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge

BLACK BETTY’S 116 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge

ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW 55 Lake Street, Northbridge

ROSEMOUNT 459 Fitzgerald Street, North Perth

OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2- 8 Francis Street, Perth

ROSIE O’GRADY’S 205 James Street, Northbridge

MURPHY’S IRISH PUB 43 Mandurah Terrace, Perth

BURSWOOD DOME Great Eastern Highway, Burswood

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RECRUITMENT IMMIGRATION MADE EASY

Kelly Reed, 24 Originally from: UK Now lives: Sydney

, p r o c a is V o t s k n a h T I m here to stay! Visacorp specialise in securing visas, work permits & permanent residency for working holidaymakers. If you want to call Australia home, contact Visacorp today to discuss your options!

Call Now: 02 9221 0370 or email: info@visacorp.com.au visacorp.com.au Registered Migration Agents 0104178 / 0317382 / 0532487 Member of Migration Institute of Australia

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Hot Summer Cool Work

CALLING ALL WORKING HOLIDAY MAKERS

EXPERIENCE AUSTRALIA WITH US • • •

Want to be part of an International network of Companies? Want to earn great money while you’re here? Do you enjoy a fun and energetic environment? Just choose your destination and contact us today! SYDNEY • MELBOURNE • PERTH • BRISBANE ADELAIDE • REGIONAL AREAS as well Call Juanita on (02) 9211-1022 or email your resume to jpappalardo@appcogroup.com.au

To learn more about what we get up to check us out at www.appcogroup.com

RECRUITMENT HEALTHY VOLUNTEERS WANTED If you are fit, healthy and a nonsmoker between 18 to 50 years and are interested in helping us with our medical research, please call us.

GlaxoSmithKline

Medicines Research

Unit Level 10, Parkes Building East, The Prince of Wales Hospital Randwick, NSW 2031

Reimbursement for time & expenses will be available (limitations may apply to reimbursement ).

Telephone: 1800 475 475 Email: volunteers.4.trials@gsk.com

JLU200301 Print 32 version 1, 09 October,

BBM-584 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

Credit Oflcer, Brisbane: • Brisbane CBD • 3 week contract • One to two years’ credit/collections experience This organisation is looking for a Credit Officer to cover annual leave in this vibrant and friendly team.

You will be a hard working achiever with good communication skills, a positive attitude and a desire to learn. Contact: Anna-Claire Zanetti in our Brisbane office on (07) 3009 6133 or email your CV to 417@accountability.com.au quoting reference number ACZ26.

Reporting directly to the Credit Manager you will be responsible for: • • • • •

Data entry Small to medium volume collection Arranging payment plans Reconciliations Banking and allocation

Credit Oflcer, Melbourne: • Melbourne CBD location • Minimum six months’ credit and collections experience • Tier one accounting system (SAP or Oracle) experience advantageous This global consumer business has an opportunity for a Credit Officer to join its established credit team. Reporting to the Credit Team Leader you will: • Coordinate, collect and follow-up with customers the collection of overdue/long outstanding accounts • Be responsible for the tracking and analysis of all credit • Provide accurate and efficient reports to various business units • Liaise with clients to ensure prompt payments • Attend to customer queries and assist with general admin

Your key skills and attributes: • Strong communication and interpersonal skills with an ability to interact with high profile managers • Demonstrated Excel skills and the ability to use financial systems • Process oriented with a focus on continuous improvement • Ability to work with a high degree of accuracy Contact: Greg Kouwiloyan in our Melbourne office on (03) 8629 1302 or email your CV to 417@accountability.com.au quoting reference number GAK24.

Accounts Payable Oflcer, Sydney: • Global construction and architectural lrm • Three month contract • Modern North Sydney oflces

• Processing of invoices and expenses • Responding to internal and external accounts queries • Bank reconciliations

An experienced Accounts Payable Officer with strong interpersonal and communication skills is required to assist the existing team of six. You will work closely with the AP Manager and Finance Manager to ensure smooth running of the function.

You will have a minimum of two years’ AP experience along with strong Excel and Oracle systems skills. You will be a motivated, team player looking to work within a dynamic and rewarding environment.

Your duties will involve:

Contact: Steve Barnett in our Sydney office on (02) 8296 5379 or email your CV to 417@accountability.com.au quoting reference number SYB25.

• Full function accounts payable • Data entry • Weekly payment runs

AccountAbility specialises in recruiting accounting support roles. For more opportunities or to discuss your travel/work plans, please contact us on (02) 8296 5300 or email 417@accountability.com.au

www.accountability.com.au

JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA DO YOU WANT TO WRITE about traveling around the Australians West Coast? This is a great opportunity to get your name in to print. This not a paid job, but other beneďŹ ts are available like free activities or accommodation as you travel. Well established magazine now ten years old. Please apply to: guchi.shakir@what-media. com SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE. Immediate start. Full sales training. Fun working environment. Extensive travel opportunities. Call now - Sydney: (02) 9212 2668. Melbourne: (03) 9425 9444. Brisbane: (07) 3217 3307 TOP DECK IS LOOKING FOR EUROPEAN COACH DRIVERS Get paid to visit some of Europeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s best destinations while providing 1830 somethings with an unforgettable travel experience. Competitive remuneration plus all accommodation, meals and transport paid whilst on the road. Visit: http://topdeckrecruit.com or call: 1300 366 573

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INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: â&#x20AC;˘ Warehousing â&#x20AC;˘ Labouring â&#x20AC;˘ Stores â&#x20AC;˘ Process Work Green card and safety boots are an advantage â&#x20AC;&#x201C; however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email Ciara@industriousrecruitment.com.au or call on 02-92705234 EXPERIENCED SANDWICH HAND Required - Monthly Position 15th oct 18th Nov. Mon - Fri - City location - 6am -2pm. Call Yvonne 02 9267 4430

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BBM-584 // JOB LISTINGS

JOB LISTINGS ADULT EMPLOYMENT &YPUJD %BODFST &YDMVTJWF $#% (FOUMFNFO T $MVC

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Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team

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BBM-584 // JOB LISTINGS

ADULT EMPLOYMENT TRAVELLERS, STUDENTS & LOCALS

Several vacancies exist @ our friendly well established full service parlour @ Darling Harbour. We have flexible shifts, caring female management, great pay ($150 p/hr) and a very safe environment for sexy ladies.Great place for newcomers. Call 02 9660 5942 after 11am for a confidential chat.

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BBM-584 // JOB LISTINGS

KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road. 261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au

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BBM-584 // JOB LISTINGS

ACCOMMODATION MELBOURNE

SYDNEY BONDI JUNCTION. CHEAPER THAN A DORM: Walking distance to Cock and Bull and Tea Gardens. Rooms available: Singles, doubles, triples and quads. All bills inc. All rooms include kitchenette, fridge, microwave. Laundry. Spotless. Near transport. Oxford Court Accommodation. From $120pppw. 170 Oxford Street, Woollahra. Call 9327 2233 / 0412 547 840.

DARLINGHURST BUDGET. NEWLY RE-FURBISHED SHARE ACCOMMODATION Rear of 433 Liverpool Street, Darlinghurst. Corner of West Street. Central location, close to all amenities yet quiet. $160 P/P P/W + $200 Bond. All bills + WIRELESS INTERNET included. Fully furnished rooms in share house. 7 rooms - 2, 3 or 4 person share. Laundry, Kitchen, lounge/TV room. For appointment to view call Louise between 9am-7pm on 0402 034 119.

Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms for $160 a week max 4 bed dorms, doubles and singles rooms also available $300 a week - in the heart of the city. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park. Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

TO ADVERTISE CALL BBM ON 02 8231 7701

PORT STEPHENS - Only 2.5 hours north of Sydney Get away for the weekend or start your travels up the coast with a visit to beautiful Port Stephens. Present this ad for great deals as follows:

*Weekend Package ONLY $99 per person INCLUDES: Two nights dorm accommodation plus 1.5 hour Beach & Dune Sandboarding Adventure Free bikes Free 1 day Wi-Fi

*4 Night Package ONLY $268 per person INCLUDES: Four nights dorm accommodation 1.5 hour Beach & Dune Sandboarding Adventure 3.5 hour Whale Watch 2 hour Beginner surf lesson Free bikes Free 1 day Wi-Fi

BBM-584 // ACCOMMODATION

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au CASA RADIANTE 373 - 375 Bulwara Road, Ultimo Sydney, NSW, 2007 Ph: 0412692824 or 0404 246 003 STRAND HOTEL 99 William St Darlinghurst, Sydney 2010 Ph: 02 93606910 www.strandhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au

PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

LIDO SUITES 2 Roslyn Street, Kings Cross, Sydney, 2011 Ph: 02 8354 0956 Toll Free: 1800 060 954 Fax: 02 9360 5670 kcsuites@leisureinnhotels.com www.leisureinnhotels.com Modern, boutique studio rooms located in the hub of Kings Cross’ non-stop energy and within easy reach of all Sydney’s best attractions.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com KANGA HOUSE BACKPACKERS 141 Victoria St, Kings Cross NSW 2011 FREECALL 1800 4 KANGA Ph: 9357 7897 Fax: 8354 0439 info@kangahouse.com.au www.kangahouse.com.au HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL 428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

HUNTER VALLEY HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

KATOOMBA KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

JINDABYNE SNOWY MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS Ph: 1800 333 468 7-8 Gippsland St. Jindabyne NSW 2627 Fax: 02 6456 1511 backpack@snowy.net.au www.snowybackpackers.com.au

BYRON BAY AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433 BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

GOLDCOAST

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800 www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

CALOUNDRA CALOUNDRA CITY BACKPACKERS 84 Omrah Avenue Caloundra, Sunshine Coast Queensland, Phone: 61 7 5499 7655 www.caloundracitybackpackers.com.au

MOOLOOLABA MOOLOOLABA BACKPACKERS 75 Brisbane Rd Mooloolaba QLD (07) 5444 3399 www.mooloolababackpackers.com

MACKAY GECKO’S REST 34 Sydney st Mackay QLD 4740 Ph: 07 49441230 www.geckorest.com.au info@geckorest.com.au

NOOSA

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

GLOBETROTTERSINTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

MISSION BEACH ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

HERVEY BAY NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au

1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

BBM-584 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

Australia WHITSUNDAYS BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1105 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

RAINBOW BEACH PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

DINGOS BACKPACKER RESORT 20 Spectrum Street, Rainbow Beach QLD 4581 FREECALL: 1800 103 823 www.dingosresort.com 3day/2night Selfguided camping Fraser Island Safari PLUS 2 nights at Dingos Resort $219 NO HIDDEN EXTRAS and FREE Pancake breakfast with every stay!!!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au

MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966 madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com ROYAL HOTEL 531 Wellington Street, Perth Western 6000 Ph: 08 9338 5100 wentpert@fc-hotels.com.au www.royalhotelperth.com.au YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA TOWN SHOP Ross St Mall, Maidstone Cresent, Exmouth, Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060

KUNUNURRA KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

MONKEY MIA MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

BBM-584 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

VICTORIA MILDURA RIVERBOAT BUNGALOW BACKPACKERS (Part of Working Hostels Mildura group) 27 Chaffey Ave Mildura, Victoria 3500 Tel: 0447 WORKER (0447 967 537) info@workinghostels.com.au www.workinghostels.com.au REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE GLOBAL BACKPACKERS 238 Victoria St (cnr Elizabeth St) Nth Melbourne, Vic, 3051 (opposite Queen Vic Market)

Freecall: 1800 700 478 globalhostel@yahoo.com.au www.globalbackpackers.com.au Best kept secret in town - small, simple, centrally located. $20 dorms Decent accommodation cheap!

EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 MELBOURNE METRO YHA

78 Howard Street North Melbourne 3051 Phone: (+613) 9329 8599 Web: www.yha.com.au Email: melbmetro@yhavic.org.au NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com $5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only).

KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au MELBOURNE OASIS YHA 76 Chapman St. North Melbourne VIC Ph: 03 9328 3595 oasis@yhavic.org.au http://www.yha.com.au Inviting all British Balls enthusiasts to check out Melbourne’s completely BUNK FREE hostel. Guaranteeing a good nights sleep! Foxtel TV & free swimming pool pass. Beds start at $27.

HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au

ST. KILDA OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms RITZ FOR BACKPACKERS 169b Fitzroy Street St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, 3182 Ph: 1800 670 364 info@ritzbackpackers.com www.ritzbackpackers.com HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au

HINDMARSH GROOVEY GROUP 10 Bacon St, Hindmarsh SA 5007 getaways@groovygrape.com.au Freecall: 1800 66 11 77 Ph: + 61 8 8440 1640 www.grooveygroup.com.au ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 www.chillis.com.au

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand TE PUKE HAIRY BERRY BACKPACKER HOSTEL 2 No 1 Road, Te Puke NZ 0064 07 5738015 or 021 520539 www.hairyberrynz.com work@hairyberrynz.com “Bring this add for 100MB FREE internet on arrival & we garantee help to get seasonal work”

CHRISTCHURCH CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new ﬂashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakeﬁeld Street Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off ﬁrst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off ﬁrst night if you mention this ad

GREYMOUTH

KATIKATI OUR LITTLE PARADISE 378 Whara Whara Road KatiKati Ph +64 7 5490978 ourlittleparadise@ihug.co.nz

KARI KARI PENINSULA NORTHLAND

DUKE BACKPACKERS 7 Guinness Street, Greymouth Ph: 03-7689470 dukenz@clear.net.nz www.duke.co.nz

THE RUSTY ANCHOR

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.ﬁjinadibayhotel.com/ TRAVELLERS BEACH RESORT 19 Wasawasa Road, Nadi Bay Beach Ph: 6723322 Fax: 6720026 travellersbeach@connect.com.fj www.travellersbeachresort. com.fj Skype: travellersbeach

NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPaciﬁc Harbour P.O.Box 416 Paciﬁc Habour Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

1 Tokerau Beach Rd Kari Kari Peninsula Northland 0800 78 78 92 info@rustyanchor.co.nz www.rustyanchor.co.nz

BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfiji.comwww. beachcomberfiji.com AQUARIUS PACIFIC HOTELS LIMITED 17 Wasawasa Road, Newtown, Wailoaloa, Nadi Ph: (679) 6726 000 Fax: (679) 6726 001 reservations@aquariusfiji.com www.aquariusfiji.com

THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fijibeachouse.com www.fijibeachouse.com SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfiji.com, Skype name: Smugglers Cove

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandﬁji. com HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachﬁji.com

BBM-584 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

ADVENTURE SPORTS SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA Coffs City Skydivers 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

Skydive Byron Bay P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

Sunshine Coast Skydivers Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com Skydive Coffs Harbour P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

Simply Skydive Sydney P.O. Box 5060 Elanora Heights NSW 2101 Sydney International Regatta Centre

Penrith Lakes NSW 2750 FreeCall 1800 SKYDIVE Ph: 02/92238444 Fax: 02/92315878 Info@simplyskydive.com.au www.simplyskydive.com.au Awesome views of Sydney and the Blue Mountains!

Skydive the Reef Cairns 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

Skydive Jurien Bay 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com

SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au

FISH ROCK DIVE CENTRE 134 Gregory St South West Rocks, NSW 2431 Ph: (02) 6566 6614 or 0414 381985 www.fishrock.com.au dive@fishrock.com.au

Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

World class diving, Gray Nurse Sharks, Caves, Whales...this is the real thing!

NEW ZEALAND

NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE

SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com

Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS

NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz

Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

FIJI SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

SOUTH WEST ROCKS DIVE CENTRE 5/98 Gregory St, South West Rocks, NSW, 2431 Tel: 02 65 66 6474 info@southwestrocksdive.com.au www.southwestrocksdive.com.au Experience Australia’s best ocean cave & shark dive. Catering for first timers to experienced divers

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive.

SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

YOUNG TRAVELLERS TOURS MELBOURNE Ph - 0488 002 212 www.yttours.com Fun original tours along the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island! One day tour from $90 OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.

RAFTING

AUSTRALIA OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

BBM-584 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au

HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au

KITE SURFING

SURFING AUSTRALIA SURF CAMP AUSTRALIA 235 CLARENCE ST, SYDNEY PH: (02) 9262 1757 www.surfcamp.com.au SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Chris@surfingaustralia.com http://www.surfingaustralia.com Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience

MOJOSURF 2/9 Marvel Street Ph: 02 6639 5100 reservations@mojosurf.com http://mojosurf.com Living the dream… SANCTUARY SURFERS 201 Waymouth Street Adelaide South Australia 5000 Ph: 0403 134 478 luke.j.d@gmail.com www.sanctuary.net.au

AUSTRALIA

JUNGLE SURFING

KITESURF 1770 / IKO CERTIFIED KITEBOARDING SCHOOL/CENTRE 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@kitesurf1770.com.au www.kitesurf1770.com.au

JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS PO Box 117 Port Douglas, Queensland Ph: 07 4098 0043 info@junglesurfing.com.au www.junglesurfing.com.au

JET BOATING

NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

ROLLERBLADING AUSTRALIA ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022

GLACIER GUIDING NEW ZEALAND

Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz Take a breathtaking guided trip on the West Coast’s longest and less crowded glacier amidst fascinating ice formations with NZ’s most experienced glacier guiding company. Offering a full range of trips to suit all fitness levels.

AUSTRALIA

RIVER BOARDING NEW ZEALAND

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797 www.riverboarding.co.nz

SHARK EXPEDITIONS AUSTRALIA

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, Adelaide, South Australia, 5070 Ph: (08) 8363 1788 www.rodneyfox.com.au

BUNGY JUMPING AUSTRALIA

AJ HACKETT CAIRNS Mc Gregor Road Smithfield, QLD 4878 Ph: (07) 4057 7188 Free call: 1800 622 888 (Aus only) Cairns.reception@ajhackett.com www.cairns.ajhackett.com

VISIT BBMLIVE.COM FOR MORE LISTINGS 63

CRYSTAL BALLS Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week Cancer

may be lucky enough to carve

It’s not pleasant for either your

“I’M AS serious as cancer when

a well-paid niche doing Bernard

local laundry service or your

I say rhythm is a dancer.”

Manning and Jim Davidson

girlfriend.

routines verbatim. It’s time to face some harsh

How many sheepish visits to

home truths. First, you are

Libra

white. Second, you are

IT’S great that women have

you admit you have a problem

35-years-old. Third, you have

become sexually liberated and

with the demon drink?

never been part of any gang

you have taken full advantage

other than the local chess and

– and no one has the right to

Capricorn

astronomy clubs.

call you a slag.

YOU truly are a typical

Fourth, you have no talent as

They call a bloke a stud for

an MC and the ‘freestyles’ you

shagging around so why should

WELL, last week was a tough

keep subjecting people to are

you have to be ashamed

It takes you 20 minutes of

week. But it’s going to look like

mortifyingly embarrassing.

because you were tag-teamed

tortured internal debate as to

by a dorm full of blokes?

whether or not to have cheese

the laundry does it take before

Capricorn, you can’t make a

Aries the good old days after this week is finished with you.

People ask to hear them not

and onion or salt and vinegar

because they like them but so

You struck a blow for the

You lose your job, discover your

they can piss themselves after

sisterhood and I congratulate

best mate has been shagging

you are gone.

you. Plus, you can go back to

And even when you come to a

Britain, move to a new town,

decision, you realise you made

act like butter wouldn’t melt,

a mistake and are crippled by

EVERYONE makes noise when

snare a sugar daddy and once

intense pangs of regret and

they eat, it’s just a sad fact of

the daft bastard has married

longing for the cheese and

life we all have to deal with.

you without making you sign

onion you should have chosen.

your bird for years and that your mum is actually your sister.

Taurus YOUR pathological love of

Leo

a pre-nup start shagging other

Margaret Thatcher gets you in

blokes like mad all over again.

Hula Hoops.

Aquarius

trouble this week when you rant

But greedily devouring crunchy

about her smashing the unions

snacks and spitting bits of food

to someone whose father died

– while talking with your mouth

Scorpio

a broken man when he lost his

full – all over anyone’s desk in

DO you really think it’s a good

job as a miner.

a ten metre radius is become a

idea to send long, sickeningly

tad irksome to your colleagues.

soppy emails back home to that

What you need to remember is

girl who fucked you about and

that you can’t treat everyone in

He promptly smashes you,

You are a natural-born bullshitter and a good one, I’ll give you that much.

letting out all the pain of his

Half-chewed crisp debris isn’t

strung you along for the best

your life as if they are as gullible

youth on your face.

pretty.

part of two years?

as the senile saps who buy life

Gemini

Virgo

Even worse, you post them

YOU are constantly turning

“IT’S only a game so put up a

as public comments on her

up to work embarrassingly

real good fight, I’m gonna be

Facebook. You are humiliating

Being smarter than an

overdressed.

snookering you tonight.”

yourself. You should be

Alzheimer’s sufferer doesn’t

forgetting about her by

make you Daddy Cool, as you have taken to calling yourself.

insurance policies from you over the telephone.

While everyone else is wearing

Pay tribute to the middle-aged

shagging around – she certainly

thongs, wrinkled T-shirts and

(or deceased) anti-PC dinosaurs

hasn’t been shy since you’ve

stained shorts you seem to feel

of British comedy by doing a

been away.

it necessary to dress in loafers,

side-splitting routine in the pub

slacks and trendy but slightly

with your cosmopolitan group

Sagittarius

camp attire.

of mates of various ethnic and

YOU say you need to drink

and not an ounce of vigour to

religious persuasions.

because it helps you relax but

get off your fat arse and do

do you really need to get so

anything about it.

You think you’re the cock of the walk – but you’re just a cock

It will go down a storm because

relaxed that you habitually shit

according to everyone else.

Aussies have never heard of

the bed?

the term politically correct. You 64

decision over anything.

Pisces YOU’RE 25, no girlfriend, no direction, no money, no clue

My advice is to top yourself. You’re useless. BBM-584 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

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Bragging Rights

ASK CRYSTAL He always spent his spare time

I can’t really blame your

Obviously all good clean fun, but

with his family and this hasn’t

boyfriend, though. If I was dating

somehow a newspaper got hold

changed. Along with all the hours

someone who whined as much

of the tape and are threatening

he works, I barely see him.

as you, I’d also consider incest a

to print stills of the orgy.

preferable alternative. The problem is I’m a bit low on

My demands on his time have turned his family against me. His

Dear Crystal,

wants to leave me but doesn’t

A RECENT group gathering has

Dear Crystal,

know how.

the potential to get me and my

AT THE start of our relationship,

Is he telling the truth or what I

a girlfriend was the last thing my

want to hear?

high-powered partners in crime

dating for a few months he still wasn’t ready to commit.

Brodie, Brisbane

Dear Brodie,

into a bit of bother. YOU NEED a good agent. The

Nicky, Noosa

man wanted and after casually

cash so wondered how much I could earn from a kiss-and-tell?

twin sisters said he told them he

Dear Nicky,

My policeman boyfriend and

pervy pics and the gory details

I recently invited his politician

together should net you at least

ex-girlfriend round and, after

a million.

a respectable dinner party, he But even though I knew he

I IMAGINE he’s bullshitting as

ended up blowing coke up our

Who wouldn’t want to read a

wasn’t ready for anything big, the

he’s obviously cheating on you

tradesman’s entrances as my

story with the headline: ‘My baby

pushy girl in me pressured him to

with his sisters. He clearly lives

Scientologist guru pleasured

sister enjoyed 39 mind-shattering

settle down and soon we moved

by the adage that a family that

himself while fondling the breasts

orgasms while Tom Cruise’s best

in together.

plays together, stays together.

of my film director sister, who

friend pleasured himself and PC

was videoing the whole thing.

plod blew eight ounces of coke

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail editor@britishballs.com

up a politician’s oval orifice.’?

JOKES TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS

PRINCE Harry is gutted at not being invited to the wedding. Apparently it’s family only. John, Wollongong “YOUR Digital TV has found the following new channels - Al Jazeera. To install, press red button” That sounds dangerous. Jack, Chicago FACEBOOK is like jail. You sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know. Peter, Yorkshire I WAS just ﬁngering my gran and she farted. How disgusting is that? Dexy, Surry Hills CAME home to ﬁnd all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What sort of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar? Timothy, Perth CHEER yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding a tenner in your black suit today. Ted, Leeds

WHAT kind of children go to heaven? Dead ones. Rick, Darwin I DIDN’T know Pink was pregnant. I thought Blue meant pregnant? She can’t have pissed on the strip correctly. Jimbo, Townsville TIME ﬂies, eh? Coming here from the future, landing on my sandwiches. Little bastards. Sam, Derby I SEE the Catholic Church is ﬁnally moving with the times by allowing condoms to be used. I suppose forensics are getting pretty advanced these days. Roger, Randwick I JUST tried to change my Facebook password to ‘14 days’ but it said it was ‘Too weak’. Tim, Manchester

BBM-584 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE Pl Chelsea 14 Manchester United 14 Arsenal 14 Manchester City 14 Bolton Wanderers 14 Tottenham Hotspur 14 Sunderland 14 Stoke City 14 Liverpool 14 Newcastle United 14 Blackburn Rovers 14 Blackpool 14 Aston Villa 14 Everton 14 Birmingham City 14 West Bromwich Albion 14 Fulham 14 Wigan Athletic 14 Wolverhampton Wanderers 14 West Ham United 14

W 9 7 8 7 5 6 4 6 5 5 5 5 4 3 3 4 2 3 2 1

D 1 7 2 4 7 4 8 1 4 3 3 3 5 7 7 4 8 5 3 6

L 4 0 4 3 2 4 2 7 5 6 6 6 5 4 4 6 4 6 9 7

+/19 13 13 8 6 2 2 0 -1 1 -1 -6 -5 1 -2 -9 -3 -13 -11 -14

LEAGUE 1

CHAMPIONSHIP Pts 28 28 26 25 22 22 20 19 19 18 18 18 17 16 16 16 14 14 9 9

Queens Park Rangers Cardiff CitySwansea Swansea City Derby County Leeds United Nottingham Forest Doncaster Rovers Norwich City Coventry City Burnley Reading Barnsley Ipswich Town Watford Millwall Portsmouth Leicester City Shefﬁeld United Hull City Scunthorpe United Bristol City Middlesbrough Crystal Palace Preston North End

Pl 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18

W 10 11 10 9 8 6 7 7 8 6 6 7 7 6 6 6 6 6 5 6 5 5 5 4

D 8 3 3 3 4 9 6 6 3 8 7 4 3 5 5 4 4 4 6 2 5 2 2 2

L 0 4 5 6 6 3 5 5 7 4 5 7 8 7 7 8 8 8 7 10 8 11 11 12

+/25 15 9 11 0 5 2 2 2 6 6 -5 -2 2 0 -2 -8 -8 -6 -7 -9 -10 -13 -15

Pts 38 36 33 30 28 27 27 27 27 26 25 25 24 23 23 22 22 22 21 20 20 17 17 14

Pl Brighton & Hove Albion 18 Charlton Athletic 18 AFC Bournemouth 18 Shefﬁeld Wednesday 18 Huddersﬁeld Town 18 Colchester United 18 Southampton 18 Oldham Athletic 17 Carlisle United 18 Peterborough United 18 Exeter City 18 Milton Keynes Dons FC 18 Brentford 18 Hartlepool United 17 Plymouth Argyle 18 Bristol Rovers 18 Tranmere Rovers 18 Rochdale 17 Leyton Orient 18 Swindon Town 18 Notts County 17 Dagenham & Redbridge 18 Yeovil Town 18 Walsall 18

W 10 9 8 9 9 7 8 7 7 8 7 8 7 6 6 5 6 5 5 5 6 3 4 4

D 6 5 6 3 2 8 4 7 6 2 5 2 4 5 4 7 4 6 6 6 1 6 3 2

LEAGUE 2

L 2 4 4 6 7 3 6 3 5 8 6 8 7 6 8 6 8 6 7 7 10 9 11 12

+/17 7 16 14 9 2 10 6 8 -3 -4 -5 0 -4 -6 -7 -7 2 0 -4 -7 -13 -16 -15

Pts 36 32 30 30 29 29 28 28 27 26 26 26 25 23 22 22 22 21 21 21 19 15 15 14

Port Vale Chesterﬁeld Bury Shrewsbury Town Rotherham United Torquay United Wycombe Wanderers Cheltenham Town Macclesﬁeld Town Stevenage Football Club Crewe Alexandra Aldershot Town Burton Albion Accrington Stanley Bradford City Gillingham Southend United Oxford United Lincoln City Stockport County Morecambe Northampton Town Barnet Hereford United

Pl 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 17 18 18 17 18 18 18 18 18 17 18 18 18 17 18 18 18

W 10 10 10 9 8 7 7 7 7 5 5 5 5 4 6 5 5 5 5 4 4 4 4 3

D 6 5 4 5 7 7 7 5 4 9 7 7 6 9 3 6 5 5 4 7 6 6 4 6

L 2 3 4 4 3 4 4 5 7 4 5 6 7 5 9 7 7 8 9 7 7 8 10 9

+/17 15 15 13 8 9 6 -1 -3 5 11 -6 1 -1 -4 -5 -2 -3 -12 -18 -6 -9 -14 -16

L 0 1 2 4 3 4 4 4 6 6 5 6 4 6 7 7 6 8 5 6

+/27 25 11 -1 5 6 0 0 -2 -3 -1 -3 -4 -8 -7 -9 -8 -10 -10 -8

Pts 36 35 34 32 31 28 28 26 25 24 22 22 21 21 21 21 20 20 19 19 18 18 16 15

EUROPEAN LEAGUES

FOCUS ON... LA LIGA LIKE Jamie Redknapp, Andy Townsend and Mark Lawrenson, BBM’s opinions on football outside the UK tend to be based on things we’ve heard other people say.

Real Madrid v Barcelona, a foreign game even BBM gets out of bed for, with the big prize being a top spot in the ‘technically superior’ Spanish top ﬂight.

“La Liga is so much better technically than the Premier League” and “Karim Benzema is playing out of his skin at the minute” are good examples of this, as we haven’t bothered watching one La Liga game this season. We’re betting Lawrenson hasn’t either.

And considering La Liga is looking a teensy bit like the Scottish league these days (we mean only two teams can win it not that it’s dog shit), the result could go a fair way to deciding the title.

That’ll all change this Monday though. It’s El Classico people,

And just to rubberstamp the SPL comparison, Barcelona hammered UD Almeria 8-0 away last week, while Madrid battered Athletic Bilbao 5-1.

SERIE A AC Milan Lazio Napoli Juventus AS Roma Internazionale Palermo Sampdoria Chievo Catania Udinese Genoa Fiorentina Parma Cagliari Bologna Lecce Brescia Cesena Bari

Pl 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13

W 9 8 7 6 6 5 6 4 5 4 5 5 4 3 3 3 3 3 3 2

D 2 2 3 5 4 5 2 7 4 5 2 2 3 6 5 5 3 2 2 3

LA LIGA L 2 3 3 2 3 3 5 2 4 4 6 6 6 4 5 5 7 8 8 8

+/11 6 8 12 2 5 4 3 2 0 -1 -3 -1 -2 1 -7 -15 -6 -8 -11

Pts 29 26 24 23 22 20 20 19 19 17 17 17 15 15 14 14 12 11 11 9

Real Madrid FC Barcelona Villarreal CF RCD Espanyol Valencia CF Atlético Madrid Sevilla FC RCD Mallorca Real Sociedad Athletic Bilbao Osasuna Getafe CF Deportivo La Coruña Hércules CF Levante UD Racing Santander Sporting Gijón Málaga CF UD Almería Real Zaragoza

Pl 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12

W 10 10 7 7 6 6 6 5 5 5 4 4 3 3 3 3 2 3 1 1

D 2 1 3 1 3 2 2 3 1 1 3 2 5 3 2 2 4 1 6 5

Pts 32 31 24 22 21 20 20 18 16 16 15 14 14 12 11 11 10 10 9 8

SCOTTISH PREMIER Rangers Celtic Hearts Inverness Cali Thistle Motherwell Dundee United Kilmarnock Hibernian St. Johnstone St. Mirren Aberdeen Hamilton Academical

Pl 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 14

W 12 11 8 7 7 5 5 4 4 3 3 2

D 1 1 2 3 2 4 2 2 2 3 1 3

L 1 2 4 4 5 5 7 8 8 8 10 9

+/19 23 9 8 6 -5 4 -8 -12 -12 -14 -18

Pts 37 34 26 24 23 19 17 14 14 12 10 9

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FOOTBALL RESULTS Wednesday, 24 November Uefa Champions League Hapoel Tel-Aviv 3-0 Benfica Inter Milan 1-0 FC Twente Panathinaikos 0-3 Barcelona Rangers 0-1 Man Utd Rubin Kazan 1-0 FC Copenhagen Schalke 04 3-0 Lyon Tottenham 3-0 Werder Bremen Valencia 6-1 Bursaspor The FA Carlsberg Trophy Witton Albion 1-2 Harrogate Town Principality Building Society Welsh Premier League Neath 1-1 The New Saints Tuesday, 23 November Uefa Champions League Ajax 0-4 Real Madrid Auxerre 0-2 AC Milan Basle 1-0 CFR 1907 Cluj-Napoca Braga 2-0 Arsenal Chelsea 2-1 MSK Zilina Partizan Belgrade 0-3 Shakhtar Donetsk Roma 3-2 Bayern Munich Spartak Moscow 0-3 Marseille Npower League One Bournemouth 2-0 Yeovil Carlisle 1-1 Rochdale Charlton 1-1 Bristol Rovers Colchester 0-2 Brentford Huddersfield 4-1 MK Dons Notts County 1-0 Swindon Oldham 3-3 Exeter Peterborough 2-2 Leyton Orient Plymouth 2-1 Dag & Red Sheff Wed 3-0 Walsall Southampton 0-0 Brighton Tranmere 0-1 Hartlepool Npower League Two Barnet 1-2 Gillingham Bradford 1-1 Accrington Stan|ey Burton Albion 1-2 Aldershot Chesterfield 1-2 Oxford Utd Lincoln City 0-5 Bury Macclesfield 0-2 Cheltenham Rotherham 2-2 Northampton Shrewsbury 4-0 Hereford Stevenage 1-1 Southend Stockport 0-5 Port Vale Wycombe 1-3 Torquay Blue Square Premier York 2-0 Southport The FA Carlsberg Trophy Chasetown 4-0 Workington Ebbsfleet United 4-0 Bromley Grays Athletic 0-1 Cirencester Hampton & Richmond 2-0 Bognor Regis Town Northwich 1-0 Whitby Monday, 22 November Barclays Premier League Sunderland 2-2 Everton Sunday, 21 November Barclays Premier League Blackburn 2-0 Aston Villa Fulham 1-4 Man City Blue Square Premier AFC Wimbledon 3-2 Kettering The FA Carlsberg Trophy Gloucester 1-0 Chelmsford Worksop 4-1 Stocksbridge P S Saturday, 20 November Barclays Premier League Arsenal 2-3 Tottenham Birmingham 1-0 Chelsea Blackpool 2-1 Wolverhampton Bolton 5-1 Newcastle Liverpool 3-0 West Ham Man Utd 2-0 Wigan West Brom 0-3 Stoke Npower Championship Barnsley 1-0 Portsmouth Bristol City 2-0 Leicester Cardiff 0-2 Nott’m Forest Coventry 1-0 Burnley Derby 3-2 Scunthorpe Doncaster 1-1 Swansea Hull 1-0 Ipswich | Report Middlesbrough 0-1 Millwall Norwich 1-1 Leeds United QPR 3-1 Preston Sheff Utd 3-2 Crystal Palace Watford 1-1 Reading Npower League One Brighton 2-2 Bristol Rovers

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Charlton 3-2 Yeovil Colchester 3-2 Hartlepool Dag & Red 0-1 Oldham Huddersfield 0-1 Exeter Leyton Orient 2-2 Bournemouth MK Dons 1-4 Sheff Wed Notts County 0-1 Tranmere Plymouth 1-2 Brentford Rochdale 3-3 Swindon Southampton 4-1 Peterborough Walsall 2-1 Carlisle Npower League Two Accrington Stanley 1-0 Stevenage Aldershot 0-2 Chesterfield Barnet 4-1 Northampton Bradford 0-1 Macclesfield Cheltenham 1-1 Morecambe Crewe 0-1 Rotherham Lincoln City 3-1 Hereford Oxford Utd 0-1 Gillingham Port Vale 2-1 Wycombe Shrewsbury 1-1 Southend Stockport 1-1 Torquay Clydesdale Bank Premier League Aberdeen 0-1 St Johnstone Celtic 1-1 Dundee Utd Hearts 2-0 Hamilton Inverness CT 4-2 Hibernian Kilmarnock 2-3 Rangers St Mirren 1-1 Motherwell Blue Square Premier Bath City 1-1 Fleetwood Town Cambridge Utd 3-3 Tamworth Crawley Town 7-0 Altrincham Gateshead 1-1 Forest Green Grimsby 1-1 Barrow Kidderminster 2-1 Eastbourne Boro Luton 5-1 Histon Mansfield 3-2 Hayes & Yeading Newport County 2-0 Southport Rushden & D’mnds 0-4 York Wrexham 2-1 Darlington Scottish Cup Airdrie Utd 2-2 Beith Alloa 4-2 Raith Rovers Ayr 5-0 Sunnybank Bo’ness 0-2 Buckie Thistle Brechin 2-2 Annan Athletic Cove Rangers 0-3 Berwick Dumbarton 1-2 Morton East Fife 3-1 Forfar Elgin 2-1 Livingston Montrose 3-1 Whitehill Welfare Peterhead 2-0 Cowdenbeath Ross County 4-1 Deveronvale Spartans 1-2 East Stirling Stenhousemuir 2-2 Threave Rovers Stirling 1-3 Partick Thistle Stranraer 4-2 Girvan The FA Carlsberg Trophy AFC Telford 2-1 Corby Alfreton Town 4-0 Kendal Town Basingstoke 2-2 Havant and W Bideford 0-3 AFC Hornchurch Bishop’s Stortford 1-2 Ashford Town (Middx) Blyth Spartans 1-0 Stafford Rangers Bognor Regis Town 2-2 Hampton & Richmond Boreham Wood 3-0 Romford Boston Utd 2-1 Gainsborough Brackley 0-1 Wealdstone Braintree Town 2-0 Farnborough Chorley 0-1 Guiseley Cirencester 2-2 Grays Athletic Curzon Ashton 2-1 Solihull Moors Dover 1-2 Woking Droylsden 3-2 Stourbridge Eastleigh 2-1 Folkestone Invicta Eastwood Town 2-0 Cambridge City FC United of Manchester 1-2 Hinckley Utd Harlow 3-0 Maidstone Utd Harrogate Railway 3-4 Nantwich Town Harrogate Town 1-1 Witton Albion Leamington 1-2 Hyde Lewes 1-3 Salisbury Lowestoft Town 2-1 Swindon Supermarine Maidenhead Utd 2-4 Uxbridge Nuneaton 1-2 Worcester St Albans 3-1 Staines Town Sutton Utd 4-2 Billericay Thurrock 0-2 Dartford Truro City 1-2 AFC Sudbury Vauxhall Motors 1-3 Stalybridge Welling 1-0 Tonbridge Angels Weston-S-Mare 1-3 Dorchester Whitby 2-2 Northwich Workington 0-0 Chasetown

FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS! CHECK out BBM’s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.premierleague.com for all the latest results and standings. Table below was up to date at time of going to press.

Prizes (in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $400 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100

TEAM

MANAGER

TOT

every week you

dan magee

785

Dizzying Heights FC

Siva Iyer

778

alovelycupoftea

James Horrocks

765

Alcohol Fc

Ron f

760

Mukin Fagic

Luke Gately

745

Evertonian

John Armitage

733

Stop, Hammertime!

Paul Steadman

730

Rootin & Tootin

Oisin Coveney

716

Ozzies Allstars ***

James Osborne

705

Holy-family ‘B’ team

Pat Mustard

699

Your Ma’s Athletic

brian o gorman

694

Tallulah

Neil Weaver

689

Hardly Athletic

Grant Haworth

684

Multiple Scorgasms

Jonny Tuck

682

Juggernauts

Gaurav Rana

681

Arsenal

Brian Harvey

680

Alan’s Deep Bath

jason kerley

680

Red Incas

Mark Stansﬁeld

679

KOP THAT

Tony Hagan

678

stopcallingitsoccer

Tom Davis

672

New Entry

Ranking Increased

Ranking stayed the same

Ranking Fell

ASHES FEATURE WHERE’S WARNEY?

LIKE some bitter and twisted necromancer driven to ever-more unnatural measures in their attempts to resurrect a long-dead loved one, so do the corpses of discarded spinners pile-up outside the Australian selectors HQ as their obsessive search for Shane Warne reborn continues.

TEST DATES

He’s not coming back lads. Get it through your heads. He’s gone. You’re going to have to face up to the fact your spinners will occasionally go through bad patches and get tonked all over the ground. That doesn’t mean you should panic and change the team on the eve of your most important game in months when… oh wait, they’ve done it again.

3–7 December (Adelaide, Adelaide Oval)

Yes the Aussie selectors have yet again pressed the panic button following the loss of form of a spinner and dropped Nathan Hauritz. In his place, they’ve called up Xavier Doherty – purely on the basis that he had a ‘decent’ couple of games against Sri Lanka in the one-dayers. Never mind that he’s only got a ﬁrst-class average of 48.26 eh lads.

25–29 November (Brisbane, The Gabba)

16–20 December (Perth, WACA Ground) 26–30 December (Melbourne, Melbourne Cricket Ground) 3–7 January (Sydney, Sydney Cricket Ground)

This is the ninth, that’s NINTH, spinner the Aussies have used since Warne’s retirement. And they’re clearly none the bloody wiser. So we decided to round-up the best quotes about Warne we could ﬁnd. Mainly ones about how fat he is.

IAN HEALY

“Shane Warne’s idea of a balanced diet is a cheeseburger in each hand. ” SHANE WARNE:

“I’ve been waiting two years to humiliate you.” DARYL CULLINAN: “Looks like you spent it eating.”

SHANE WARNE

“My diet is still pizzas, chips, toasted cheese sandwiches & milkshakes. I have the occasional sixweek burst where I stick to fruit and cereal: it bloody kills me.”

E) MARTIN JOHNSON (THE WRITER NOT THE RUGBY BLOK

“If he’s not talking about the flipper it’s the zooter, the slider, or the wrong’un. He’ll shortly start working on a ball that loops the loop, disappears down his trouser leg, and whistles ‘Waltzing Matilda’ before rattling into the stumps” 70

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ASHES NEWS OLIVER’S BARMY THEY don’t call them the Barmy Army for nothing you know. And cricket fan Oli Broom proved his mentalproblem credentials this week after cycling all the way from England to watch the ﬁrst Test in Brisbane. That’s right, the mad 29-year-old spent 14 months of furious peddling to reach Brisbane, with his efforts also raising money for charity. And no we’re not sure how he got across the various stretches of water. Oli was originally only supposed to bike it from Lord’s to the coast, but, in his own words, he decided to just carry on going. “When we reached England’s south coast, they all turned around and went

home,” said Broom. “I jumped on a ferry to France and later that evening began cycling across Europe. “Since that weekend I have pedalled through 23 countries, have had a hit of cricket in all but three of them (including Serbia, Turkey, Sudan and Malaysia), and have so far managed to persuade kind donors to raise over 50,000 dollars for my chosen charities.” The chartered surveyor, from Cookham, Berkshire, covered a massive 15,500 miles on two wheels and was rewarded at the end with an England shirt presented by Andrew Strauss. It’s believed half the money raised will go towards soothing Oli’s mountainous piles.

BAD FOR YOUR ALF LET’S be honest here. If one man sums up Australia more than any other to us Poms, it’s Alf from Home and Away. Whether it’s shouting “ya flaming gallah!” or shaking his fist at some “flaming hoons!” or just going down to the “flaming beach”, Alf is as Aussie as a kangaroo covered in vegemite being eaten by Hugh Jackman in a crocodile outfit. And the cranky old git nailed his flaming colours to the Aussie mast ahead of the Ashes after battling it out with Mike Gatting on the eve of the

ﬁrst Test in a street-game face-off with a bunch of kiddies. The kids from Middle Row Primary School, in West London, played with a tennis ball wrapped in electrical tape. No, we don’t know why they didn’t just play a normal game either but it had something to do with helping kids in crime-ridden areas. Call us cynical, but we don’t think handing a bunch of troubled lads some cricket bats is going to help matters.

If you’re in town for the Ashes but can’t ﬁnd anything to do then turn to pages 42-44 for our must-do things while you visit. You can also ﬁnd more information online at www.bbmlive.com/The-Ashes.

AUSTRALIA DON’T HAVE THE BOLLS POOR old Dougie Bollinger was the surprise exclusion for the ﬁrst Test in the Ashes. How BBM cackled when we learned the news that they’d kept hold of Peter Siddle instead. Less funny was the sight of Siddle shearing through England’s batting order, including claiming a hattrick, in the tourists’ ﬁrst innings. When asked about Bollinger’s omission, Ricky Ponting said: “Lack of bowling over the last few weeks has been as much to do with it as anything. We feel that Ben Hilfenhaus and Peter Siddle are very well advanced in their preparations for this series, and (Mitchell) Johnson has a lot of cricket under his belt.” Whatever way you look at it, it’s a bit harsh on Bollinger who hasn’t had much cricket recently – because he’s been rested for the Ashes.

PONTING HAS TO URN THE ASHES THOSE thieving criminaldescended Aussies are looking to get their greasy antipodean mitts on the Ashes urn. And we don’t mean win it either, they want the actual real urn. Skipper Ricky Ponting says cricket’s most famous and smallest trophy should reside in the country of the team which holds The Ashes. “I know a lot was made of it four years ago — about the long journey — but I’m sure with technology something can be done to make sure it stays safe,” said Ponting, possibly while picking a pocket or two.

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WORLD SPORT EYE DON’T BELIEVE IT RUGBY UNION: As BBM’s wise old mammy used to say, if you play with it too much you’ll go blind. We always assumed she was talking about our eyeball, and thanks to her timely words we’ve enjoyed a lifetime of near-perfect sight. Except when our eyes are all screwed up when we’re wanking. Unfortunately, mammy BBM’s words were too late for Gravesend’s Clarence Harding who allowed a Maidstone player to not only play with his eyeball, but perform several neat tricks with it and

then slam dunk it into a bin. Harding was “disappointed” this week after Maidstone’s Matt Iles was cleared of gouging his eye in a match that left Harding partially blind. “I’m disappointed in the legal system and the justice system and the RFU’s decision, ultimately,” he said. “Who wouldn’t be disappointed? It’s not a broken bone, a broken nose. That would get ﬁxed over time. This is life-changing.”

MURR OF THE SAME TENNIS: As BBM predicted last week, tartan twat Andy Murray got his ass handed back to him by Roger Federer in the ATP World Tour Finals in London this week. No surprise there.

MOTOSPORT: All-conquering MotoGP champ Valentino Rossi is dead! Alright, he’s not really, but the story of him having surgery on a shoulder problem didn’t seem exciting enough to us so we thought we’d jazz it up a little. The 31-year-old seven-time world champ, who left Yamaha at the end of the last campaign to join Ducati, injured his shoulder and back in April before suffering a broken leg in June. “The intervention went well, without any complications,” said his surgeon. “For rehab you’d usually need 90 days for that kind of injury. We’ll do our best to meet the rider’s requirements.” ‘Intervention’…’rehab’… are they talking about surgery or has he got a serious heroin problem? “The condition of the shoulder was really critical: Valentino really had to be tough to keep racing with that kind of injury,” said the medical team. “He’s also been off his tits on crack,” they didn’t add.

“I did the two most important things in tennis very poorly today, which is serve and return,” admitted Murray, who won just eight points on the Federer serve. “Against someone as good as Roger, you can’t do them badly. You’re not going to win the match and that’s why the score line (6-4,6-2) was like it was.”

ENGLAND BACK IN BOKS SEAT RUGBY UNION: England have taken the rather sensible decision to play the same team that beat Australia for tonight’s (Saturday) Test against South Africa.

What has been a surprise is the fact that the ﬁnals have drawn a range of diverse celebrities, such as fat footballing fool Maradona, aging lanky comedian John Cleese and the top-heavy Kelly Brook, who we mention purely so we can use a hot photo of her.

TEST OF PATIENCE CRICKET: After ten pretty pointless days, nothing could separate Pakistan and South Africa who have drawn their twoTest series 0-0. All the cheating in the world couldn’t spur Pakistan to a series win with the Boks always in the lead but never quite killing off their bung-tastic opponents in Abu Dhabi. 74

ROSSI IN REHAB

Captain Lewis Moody returns at open-side, Mike Tindall is back at centre for Matt Banahan, who moves to the bench, Tom Croft returns at blind-side and Dan Cole comes in at tight-head prop in the four changes to the team that beat Samoa last week.. Second row Simon Shaw replaces Dave Attwood among the replacements. He is joined there by 6ft 7in Bath back Banahan, which means London Irish full-back Delon Armitage drops out of the 22 that defeated Australia 35-18 a fortnight ago. That result again was England 35-18 Australia. We never tire of reminding people of it.

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FOOTBALL

VIEW: WITH LORNA EVIO

IT’S GETTING DARK IN GUNNERS LAND THEY were nearly there not long to go till they reached the light at the end of the tunnel, and by that BBM means the top of the Premier League table.

And just when you thought it could not get any darker they lose to Braga in their Champions league match, a team they beat 6-0 the ﬁrst time around.

They only had forty-ﬁve minutes left and they would have been there.

I think we have heard every excuse in the book now on Arsenal’s performance, if it is not the goal keeper, it’s the injuries, this week it was the referees in the Braga match.

That was ﬁne, Gunners were still leading. The worst that could happen is someone raises their hand to stop a ball. Oh, that’s right Cesc Fabregas did just that, raising his arm to stop a free kick. A penalty kick to Spurs we all knew would not be stopped. Then Gunners manage let the 2-0 lead turn into a loss. It is back to being dark in Gunners land.

Maybe it’s just BBM, but the once ‘top’ teams seem to be taking it in turns to underperform each other and dominate the back page headlines each week. We had Liverpool’s losing streak, Chelsea’s shock losses, Arsenal losing games they dominate... So BBM predicts that next week Manchester United will experience their ﬁrst league defeat of the season. Just watch the media be all over that one.

BOSS HE

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FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

ROONEY RUES CONTRACT SAGA SLAPPERSHAGGING Shrekalike Wayne Rooney has ﬁnally made a half-arsed apology to Man Utd fans about his recent contract negotiations. “I feel like I have apologised to the fans but everyone keeps saying that I haven’t. If that is the case, then I apologise for my side of things,” he said unconvincingly.

INTER Milan striker Samuel Eto’o has apologised for his Ram Man impression after charging head ﬁrst into the chest of Bostjan Cesar during Inter’s 2-0 Serie A defeat to Chievo. “I want to offer my most sincere apologies to everyone who was shocked by my unpleasant gesture,” said Eto’o, completely abusing the meaning of the word gesture.

ARSENAL manager Arsene Wenger is getting in his excuses early for finishing third in the Premier League and going out in the quarter-finals of the Champions League after branding Uefa’s five-official system “useless”. The Arsenal manager, who likes kids just a bit too much, was miffed after Carlos Vega was booked for diving following a legitimate penalty claim in

his side’s 2-0 defeat to Braga. “We have another proof that it is absolutely useless, this system,” said Wenger, who still can’t speak English properly.

QUICKER than a tabloid hack can type ‘war of words’, Derby County are beginning to think twice about selling Luke Varney who’s currently on loan at Blackpool – despite Ian Holloway saying a permanent deal has already been locked in for January.

TRIPPING over thin air expert, Didier Drogba, insists Chelsea’s players should be blamed for their poor form. That’s kind of what we were doing Didier but thanks anyway.

YET more proof this week that the Twilight series should be banned after Ajax captain Luis Suarez accepted a seven-match ban for biting PSV Eindhoven midﬁelder Otman Bakkal.

SVEN GoranErikkson continues his quest to buy players he gave caps to as Leicester snapped up the loan

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE!

signing of Chris Kirkland.

CRIES of “hoots mon, yizza wee scab!” were heard north of the border this week with the Scottish referees’ association set to strike. The SFA have managed to hire in a bunch of foreign referees to overcome the shortfall.

TOON nutjob Mike Williamson faces three games on the sidelines after being banned for violent conduct during the club’s 5-1 defeat to Bolton.

SOMETHING smells a bit whiffy at scheming Real Madrid after two players appeared to deliberately get themselves sent off against Ajax. Xabi Alonso and Sergio Ramos were the guilty parties but UEFA are also set to charge Jose Mourinho, Iker Casillas and Jerzy Dudek for relaying the orders.

NOTTINGHAM Forest fans were left clicking their heels and scratching their heads after Arsenal inexplicably allowed Aaron Ramsey to join the Championship side on loan.

with ace pundit Chris Kamara

“A SUNDAY league player who was sent off in a local game and told the referee he was going to run him over has been jailed for six months – for driving onto the pitch in a jeep and trying to carry out his threat. Joseph Rimmer told ofﬁcial David Harkness, “I’m going to run you down,” before getting in his Range Rover.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK “I thought Nasri might be captain for them. So they would have to shake hands and then we could get them in a room before the game and William could bash him up or something.” Harry ‘diplomacy’ Redknapp on why he made William Gallas captain against Arsenal.

“No, I do not regret what happened. Normally I always keep calm but I didn’t ... I’m a little tired. This week I had to travel a lot.” Ajax striker Luis Suarez can’t understand what all the fuss is about after biting PSV Eindhoven midﬁelder Otman Bakkal.

“This was not a game for so many cards. The referee gave away cards very easily. I do not like the last two cards. It is certainly not our intention to give away the last match against Auxerre. For Ajax and Auxerre the Europa League is still at stake.” Real Madrid coach Jose Mourinho is convincing no one with his insistence that Xabi Alonso and Sergio Ramos did not deliberately get themselves sent off in the 4-0 win over Ajax.

“The Premier League is a crap league, it is nothing. In truth the level is shocking. Every team has just three good players. If you take those players out of the teams then there are only players left who would not be playing in the bottom team in Holland.” Zeljko Petrovic forgets to turn the lights off on his way out of Upton Park after his dismissal by West Ham.

“I always seem to be the last resort.” Peter Crouch bemoans his lot with England.

After the referee and players took evasive action, Rimmer threatened the ofﬁcial again, stating: “I’m going to shoot you” before driving off. Unbelievable Jeff!”

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FOOTBALL

FEATURE

FERGIE FLATTENED EVER heard of Frank McDougall? Unless you wear a kilt, eat haggis and say things like “och, he’s a canny striker ﬁrra wee lad” then probably not. Well he used to play for Aberdeen and was topscorer in the Scottish top ﬂight for the 1984-85 season. More famously, however, Alex Ferguson is his bitch. It turns out McDougall decked a young Fergie with a right-hook when Sir Purplenose was just a young Taggart-faced manager who could only dream of some day kicking a boot into David Beckham’s face. The story is chronicled in the

player’s hilariously named new autobiography: ‘McDou-GOAL!’, when he told Fergie he was ﬁt to play – but was actually crocked and had to be subbed off after a few minutes. The following day, the team were called in for training and Ferguson let rip. “He had completely lost the plot and I wasn’t for waiting to see what he was about to do,” said McDougall. “I lashed out. It was far from a bout-winning punch - more a

‘half-dig’. I caught him on the side of the face and he went down like a ton of bricks.” Amazingly, McDougall apologised the next day and was back in the side for the weekend. And Fergie even wrote a bit for the book – you’ve been pwned Fergie! Anyway, it got us to thinking about all the other in-house club scraps for a feature we like to call… When Teammates Attack!

BBM’S WHEN TEAMMATES ATTACK! TOP FOUR STEVE TAYLOR V ANDY CARROLL

KIERON DYER V LEE BOWYER

Future England thug Andy Carroll (pictured) wasn’t happy about texts from his exgirlfriend to fellow Toon teammate Steven Taylor, so did what any true English gentleman would do in the circumstances – punched Taylor so hard it broke his jaw.

THE DUTCH NATIONAL TEAM Sublimely talented, beautiful passers of the ball and strength and depth all over the park. If only the Dutch didn’t hate each other so much they might actually win something. They briefly looked like a unit at this year’s World Cup by focussing their intense self-hatred on the opposition instead, with kung-fu leg sweeps and Karate Kid-style flying kicks the order of the day against Spain in the final.

The cool, calm and collected Bowyer suddenly went sheep-dip crazy when his latent racism bubbled to the surface resulting in onﬁeld ﬁsticuffs with Kieron Dyer (pictured). Amazingly, Dyer didn’t pull a hamstring in the incident. The pair both moved on to new clubs afterwards. Unfortunately, they both went to West

ANDY COLE V TEDDY SHERINGHAM OK they didn’t attack each other but Man United’s treble-winning strike partners famously never spok e to each other once. Cole reckons it’s because Sheringham (pictured) didn’t shak e his hand when he made his debut for England. So long as its nothing silly then eh Andy?

WEEKEND FIXTURES Saturday 27th November Barclays Premier League Aston Villa v Arsenal Bolton v Blackpool Everton v West Brom Fulham v Birmingham Man Utd v Blackburn Stoke City v Man City West Ham v Wigan Athletic Wolves v Sunderland npower Championship Barnsley v Watford Bristol City v Sheff Utd Burnley v Derby C.Palace v Doncaster Middlesbrough v Hull City Preston NE v Millwall QPR v Cardiff City Reading v Leeds Utd Scunthorpe v Coventry FA Cup Second Round AFC Wimbledon v Stevenage Brighton v FC United Burton Albion v Chesterfield Bury v Peterborough Carlisle Utd v Tamworth Charlton v Luton Town Colchester v Swindon Super Darlington v York City Dover v Aldershot Hartlepool v Yeovil Hereford v Lincoln City Huddersfield v Macclesfield Notts County v Bournemouth Sheff Weds v Northampton Southampton v Cheltenham Torquay v Walsall Wycombe v Chelmsford npower League 1 Rochdale v Oldham npower League 2 Morecambe v Crewe Clydesdale Scottish Premier Celtic v Inverness CT Hamilton Acd’ v St Mirren Hibernian v St Johnstone Kilmarnock v Aberdeen

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SPORT GUIDE 80

Contents PAGE 80 Football Top Four: When teammates attack! PAGE 78 Football News: Rueful Rooney PAGE 76 Football View: With Lorna Evio PAGE 74 World Sport: Kelly Brook at the tennis! PAGE 72 Ashes News: On your bike Oli

PAGE 70 Ashes Feature: Whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Warney?

PAGES 68 & 69 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables

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