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CONTENTS The Cover

Review

Regulars

BAT-TASTIC - 18 Move over Halle Berry and your terrible excuse for a Catwoman ﬁlm, Batman has a new love interest - and she’s a fox! Well, not literally...

HARRY POTTER - 32 “The thing is, this is only half a ﬁlm. A bloody long half, but half nonetheless. So there’s nothing resembling an ending, only a really long intermission.”

Interview

Sport

TOY STORY 3 - 36 Can Pixar achieve an impossibly perfect ﬁlm trilogy? Of course they can. BBM discovers the process behind Lee Unkrich’s Toy Story 3.

HOLDING FOR A HERO - 70 Since Flintoff retired, we’re a bit a thin on the ground for Ashes heroes these days. So where’s England’s next one going to come from?

UK News Irish News World News Gossip Soaps The Wrap Reviews Sydney Melbourne Perth Recruitment Classiﬁeds

6 12 14 18 24 26 32 38 40 48 50 55

Hostel Listings Crystal Balls Ask Crystal & Jokes Sport

60 64 66 82

(JOBS & ACCOMMODATION)

MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Ben Harlum ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby richard.gadsby@what-media.com

UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir hannah.shakir@what-media.com

CONTRIBUTORS David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Daniel Smith Photography INTERNS Marissa van Doorn, Scott Hosie, Jennifer Reilly, Zuleika Lopez Guilleux

“

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I LOVE A BIG SHOW... THEN I HAVE TO TAKE MY SON TO SCHOOL IN THE MORNING

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UK NEWS FOOD TO DIE FOR SAY what you want about mass-murdering, life-in-prison House of Horrors bitch Rose West, the woman cooks a mean shepherd’s pie.

behind bars,” said a jail source. “Now she’s writing g a cookbook for the other female lags. It’s very popular inside.” In a recipe for victoria sponge cake, the wacky s wife of fellow serial killer Fred West – who buried women under the cellar of their home at Cromwell Street in Gloucester – cautions: “If mixture looks as though it is curdling DON’T WORRY! It’ll be OK.” Thanks Rose! You’re a lifesaver! Oh the irony…

And now the corpsehacking mentalist is ﬁnally putting her knife skills to good use after starting work on a new cookbook for her fellow inmates at Low Newton women’s prison in Brasside, Durham. That’s our mum’s Christmas present sorted. Now all we need is Peter “Yorkshire Ripper” Sutcliffe e to release an “Improve Your Swing” golf DVD and d both parents are done. “Rose loves playing the mother hen role

Someone should tell her you don’t use actual shepherds in a shepherd’s pie though. Just to be sure.

STIFF COMPETITION ERECTION problems? Can’t get it up? Told all your mates you had a wild night of passionate sex when in reality you spent the night crying because no amount of wanking could bring you to attention and she went home in disgust after half an hour. Well guess what? Chances are you’re from Bristol! A new report says blokes from Bristol are Britain’s biggest Viagra users, which arguably means that swigging on a jug of cider while chewing a piece of straw and saying “ooo-arr” makes you impotent. Men in Solihull, London’s Lea Valley,

THEY’RE hot… they’re relentless… they don’t get dubious headaches on a Sunday morning… and they want YOUR memory stick in their USB… it’s the invason of the sex robots people! Apparently, the world’s first fully functioning sex robots could be heading to the UK after becoming a hit in America. Unfortunately, they don’t look like the fem-bots from Austin Powers – more like C-3PO in a wig. And in a bizarre twist that only confirms our suspicions that British women have no taste, the American inventor of the sex machines said: “A couple of weeks ago I was in a discussion with a lady to build one that looked like Graham Norton. She sounded serious.” Dear God.

Bursledon and Chesterfield are also having a hard time — or not — in the bedroom, according to the figures from Tesco. “There’s been a strong overall demand across the UK for this erectile dysfunction remedy since e it went on sale in September but the highest demand by far is in Bristol,” said a spokesperson for the supermarket. Well, every little helps. By contrast, men in Scotland and Northern Ireland bought the least amount of Viagra. So the moral of the story ladies, is if you want a sure-fire good time, make sure you go for a bit of Celtic cock.

CAMERON CAMPS IT UP IN THE clearest indication yet that he’s a twat, David Cameron said he camped out on The Mall the night before Charles and Diana’s wedding. The Royal-loving buffoon said: “I remember when I was young, when [Prince] William’s mother got married, I slept on The Mall that night and joined the celebrations.” Is BBM the only one already bored to hell by all this engagement bollocks?

DOING THE ROBOT

LIDL: THE GERMAN GRINCH SOD the turkey or goose, what better time to eat reindeer meat than Christmas? German supermarket Lidl, which has 500 outlets UK wide, has decided to market frozen reindeer steaks at £5.99 for a 350g pack under its premium ‘Deluxe’ brand in the run up to Christmas. Spokesman Justin Kerswell said: “Lidl is destroying the magic of Christmas by selling dead reindeer.” We’re not sure about how they’d market live deer, but what we’re more perplexed about is just what is deluxe about Lidl? It smells weird and is more often than not found in close proximity to the 99p Store.

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UK NEWS A GAY OLD TIME A HOMOPHOBIC God botherer lost her job after she was asked to abstain from voting in same sex adoption cases, and is now claiming ‘religious discrimination’ Dr Sheila Matthews, 50, from Kettering is also being supported by the Christian Legal Centre, as they believe children do better in heterosexual homes. We’re wondering if she has some sort of inside knowledge as to what it is like coming from a homosexual household, do they turn out retarded and ignorant like her? If so we say reinstate her, the world doesn’t need any more of that shiz.

FAT OF THE LAND IMAGINE Jabba the Hutt watching Jeremy Kyle and only leaving the house to pick up his benefits.

SILLY BOGGER

Congratulations you’ve just imagined pretty much every household in Britain, with new statistics revealing that the recession has turned everyone back home into junk-food loving lard monkeys.

APPARENTLY it’s 1951 in Bognor Regis. Ok we knew that already, but it spans further than the décor. Gareth Hemingway, 29, has been jailed for 15 months following a racial hatred campaign he started on YouTube.

Apparently one of the few industries still booming back home is the fast food market, with cash-strapped fatties preferring to stay in with a Dominos’ pizza and watch The Simpsons than go out to a restaurant.

The footage was found by a journalist whilst researching the area and the videos apparently included clips called “racial holy way” and “red, white and blue through and through”. Police also reportedly found Nazi and racist memorabilia at the nutjob’s home. Seeing as he lives near Longford Road, we think he’ll be needing to move when he gets out of jail. Dickhead.

Dominos also claim part of their popularity has come from sponsoring Britain’s Got Talent. They’re expected to sponsor Simon Cowell’s next project, Britain’s Got Massive Coronary Problems, next year.

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UK NEWS TELLING PORKIES UNLIKE our Muslim and d Jewish brothers, we here at BBM love pigs.

QUEEN KATE IT’S happened, the day that British royal family fans (mostly situated on the outskirts of society) have been waiting for. Prince William finally proposed to his bit of fluff, Kate Middleton whilst on a holiday in Kenya.

Miss Piggy, Babe, Wilburr from Charlotte’s web, Jade e Goody… the list of porkers s who have entertained us through the years rolls on..

Giving a rather informal TV interview, Wills stated that Kate would be in a lot of trouble if she ever loses the sapphire engagement ring weighing down her left hand, as it was his mother’s.

Not to mention the many pigs we’ve picked up at kicking out time at Scruffy y Murphys when all the good-looking girls have gone home. It’s a valuable service and we salute you.

And of course his granny threw in her tuppence saying, in typical old boot fashion, “It has taken them a very long time.” So, basically this comes as tragic news to any posh totty who were hoping to one day wed the heir to the throne, but never mind, there’s always the spare – he’s more fun anyway.

Well now the loony-left, Brussel Eurocrat fat cats have gone too far! Yes BBM is going all Daily Heil following the news that the Early Learning Centre has axed pigs from their toy farm sets in case it offends Muslim and Jewish parents. “Previously the pig was part of the Goosefeather Farm,” said an ELC spokesperson. “However due to customer feedback and religious reasons this is no longer part of the farm.”

GEM OF AN IDEA TWO blokes who successfully robbed a jewellers in South Wales made a somewhat rookie error when shifting the stolen gems – they tried to sell them to the bloke they’d robbed. The thieves successfully raided Derek Davies’ jewellers, and made off with £7,000 worth of gems in Tonypandy, South Wales. Five days later, they made the idiot decision to sell them to a sister branch four miles away – and a member of staff recognised a ring.

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IRISH NEWS EARTH-MOVING EQUIPMENT ONE THE economy’s up shit creek, unemployment is rising every day, and Justin Bieber is constantly on the radio – but at least the girls of Ireland are enjoying themselves.

Rampant Rabbit vibrators are still selling like the proverbial hot cakes, not so much ﬂying off the shelves as wobbling off them in a very phallic manner.

“Our sales of them go up year For strain your on year,” said an ears on a quiet Ann Summers Dublin night spokesperson. gentleman and “We are what’s that noise forecasting that ﬂoating on the we will sell 2.5 breeze? A gentle million sex toys moan, a tell-tale this year.” buzzing – it can only be one thing: Don’t mind the dirty, dirty women rest of the country getting themselves going tits up girls, off with vibrators. Corr blimey: Some dirty Irish girls so long as you’re Ugh. The and their pet gimp, yesterday. still getting your disgusting rocks off. They creatures. They’ve don’t show that backstage at the got their “gee” out and everything. Rose of Tralee. No wonder they’re all so perky. Ann Summers in Dublin says its

EARTH-MOVING EQUIPMENT TWO BBM’s knowledge of planning heists is pretty much limited to watching Guy Ritchie movies. But it seems to us that when you want to rob somewhere – you need to plan two things. 1) The robbery. 2) The getaway. It also seems to help if you can get Jason Statham involved somehow. Sadly, two blokes in Kerry only took

All Dublin got a couple of days later was that bird who plays Irish fruitloop

WHEN it comes to sheer top-quality, heart-stopping football featuring some of the world’s very best players, you really can’t beat the League of Ireland. It’s so exciting, it should come with a health warning. No really, we’re being serious. An old bloke got so excited during last week’s FAI Cup final between Sligo and Shamrock Rovers he had a massive heart attack and almost died. A priest along with the Bishop of Elphin, Christopher Jones, started giving the Last Rites as the doctors placed the man on the ground and started administering CPR. “He was effectively dead,” said Dr Jude McSharry. “He had gone into ventricular fibrillation which means the heart is effectively unable to beat - he had no pulse and he was not breathing. We pressed the shock button to apply the sparks and happily he came around. It was very satisfying as a doctor to see somebody in a bad situation, with no pulse, coming back like that. He was talking to us.” And who won the match in the end? Frankly, we don’t give a fuck.

into account the ﬁrst of these rather basic principals when they tried to steal an ATM machine using a digger. For although very useful for actually getting the machine out of the wall, diggers aren’t exactly known for their inconspicuous high-speed getaways.

LUCK OF THE IRISH

Christopher Murney (24) and Thomas Wilson (29) were both in court this week following the bungled robbery, which occurred at 5am last Saturday.

CONSIDERING how the Irish government have handled the economy in recent years, it’s perhaps fitting that they’ve decided to turn North Tipperary into a Las Vegas-style gambling den.

A POTTER BOTHER DANIEL Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint provided the glitz and glamour for the London premiere of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows last week.

I HEART FOOTBALL

And it wasn’t Leicester Square either. It was Movies@Dundrum. “I think we all know that it’s not really over,” said Lovegood, which is a bit obvious really considering there’s another ﬁlm to come. “There will still be premieres and press. People are always

Admittedly the plan hasn’t been given the green light but the signs are certainly pointing that way with Justice Minister Dermot Ahern hinting at a change to gambling laws to allow the proposal – although he said he was against the idea of a ‘super casino’. Independent TD Michael Lowry is lobbying for the law to be changed so that the 460m Tipperary Venue project can go ahead near the small village of Two-Mile-Borris outside Thurles.

Rampant Rabbit vibrators are still selling like the proverbial hot cakes, not so much ﬂying off the shelves as wobbling off them in a very phallic manner.

“Our sales of them go up year For strain your on year,” said an ears on a quiet Dublin night Ann Summers gentleman and spokesperson. “We are what’s that noise forecasting that ﬂoating on the we will sell 2.5 breeze? A gentle million sex toys moan, a tell-tale this year.” buzzing – it can only be one thing: Don’t mind the dirty, dirty women rest of the country getting themselves going tits up girls, off with vibrators. Corr blimey: Some dirty Irish girls so long as you’re Ugh. The and their pet gimp, yesterday. still getting your disgusting rocks off. They creatures. They’ve don’t show that backstage at the got their “gee” out and everything. Rose of Tralee. No wonder they’re all Ann Summers in Dublin says its so perky.

All Dublin got a couple of days later was that bird who plays Irish fruitloop Luna Lovegood and Bill Weasley.

LUCK OF THE IRISH

Christopher Murney (24) and Thomas Wilson (29) were both in court this week following the bungled robbery, which occurred at 5am last Saturday.

CONSIDERING how the Irish government have handled the economy in recent years, it’s perhaps fitting that they’ve decided to turn North Tipperary into a Las Vegas-style gambling den.

A POTTER BOTHER DANIEL Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint provided the glitz and glamour for the London premiere of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows last week.

I HEART FOOTBALL

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WORLD NEWS

BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WORLD NEWS RATTING OUT THE NUCLEAR ANIMALS THE BBM team were upset to see our local KFC close due to some pesky health regulations last week. The way we see it, if America can’t keep their nuclear plants clean, why should these delicious chicken stores shut down?! After catching a radioactive rabbit in Washington, plant workers (pictured) are on the hunt for a radioactive mouse.

Radioactive mouse droppings have been found in the same area where radioactive rabbit droppings were found earlier this month. Either the mouse shared some radioactive waste with the rabbits or they’ve been feasting on rabbit shit. Sounds like BBM’s ill-fated attempt at I’m a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here.

BAAAAAD ROMANCE SOMETIMES those poor Kiwi’s need some love and attention. It doesn’t matter if their companion is male, female, alive, dead, as long as somebody is sharing a bed with them.

but he did read jokes to cheer himself up, hopefully using BBM’s world famous jokes page - on page 66!

Take Gordon Hieatt for example. After killing his Thai sex-worker girlfriend (is that technically still a girlfriend?), he slept next to her body (pictured). Charming.

His landlord contacted police because he noticed a foul smell emanating from the apartment when he stopped by to collect overdue rent. Don’t worry, the rent wasn’t an issue in the end - Gordon was only paying for one but didn’t inform the landlord he had killed his ﬂatmate. No big deal.

He denied touching her in a sexual way

WHAT A TURKEY ANOTHER animal sex scandal? We know, but at least this one was dead. Deon Williams was caught on security camera stufﬁng a turkey (pun intended) down his pants at a local Brooklyn supermarket. However, he denies the claim. The best part? His statement to the New York Post, where ere he says that “I didn’t do it. OK, I stole a cold-cut sandwich wich because I was hungry, but I put everything [else] back.”” That turkey would’ve been delicious for the next poultry-loving customer. The butcher chased him out of the store and demanded ed that Williams return the bird. He put the poultry on the pavement avement but then allegedly punched the butcher in the jaw. BBM M hopes he enjoys eating Thanksgiving Turkey in the local jail on Thursday.

IN RUSSIA, TOILET USES YOU! SICK of being number two, Russia wants to regain its status as the country with the best toilets in the world. Yes, this is the same superpower who wanted to rise to the top of Space, Nuclear Weapons - you name it - only a couple of decades ago. The state of public toilets is generally seen as a disgrace in Moscow, with citizens having to endure stinking and ageing facilities even though they usually have to pay for the privilege of using them - sounds like the public transport system in Sydney. “Now we do not even have ofﬁcial regulations for the quality of public lavatories except a document from 1972 that talks about cesspits,” says the head of the Russian association of lavatory manufacturers. That’s a shit job if I’ve ever heard one.

IN a story that just BBM finds unbelievable, it just so happens that the Chinese building that burned as fast as a rice-paper tower soaked in petrol could possibly have involved used illegal contracts, unsafe materials and unqualified workers in its construction. Authorities say they have identified only 26 of the 53 bodies taken from the building. More than 30 people reportedly remain missing from the blaze, which sounds like a giant conspiracy to us!

GOSSIP

NOT SO GLEEFUL JUST when Lindsay Lohan seems to be back on track (on the Amy Winehouse scale at least - see page 22), her mother is gaining unnecessary press by taking aim at the producers of Glee.

KEIRA’S GONE BATTY BRITISH babes Rachel Weisz and Keira Knightley have been put on notice - they are among six actresses being lined-up for major roles in the third Batman movie. Ignoring the fact that the title, The Dark Knight Rises, is absolute balls, we’d be pretty pumped to see either lady enter Gotham City, especially if it means the return of Catwoman. Good luck topping Michelle Pfeiffer though, the subject of many of BBM’s cat-based dreams. We’ll be especially chuffed if it means that

chronic mumbler Blake Lively stays away from the film - she’s already ruined Gossip Girl, you couldn’t understand her in The Town and she threatens to destroy the upcoming Green Lantern flick. Can you tell we’re not a fan? Of course, Keira’s schedule is free because she opted out of the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean film, her character to be replaced (downgraded?) by Penélope Cruz. Let’s just say The Dark Knight won’t be the only thing rising if Keira wears the lycra.

MARRIAGE ISN’T FOR-EVA

Brent’s father has milked this for all its worth, telling TMZ that “I feel horrible for my son. I’m in shock. I knew [Erin] was moving out of the house soon and she was the one that ﬁled for divorce. This is the straw that broke the camel’s back.” Parker was asked about the split last week, when he spoke brieﬂy with a clutch of reporters before his team’s NBA contest against Chicago.

But hey, Dina Lohan needs to make a quick buck now that her cash cow daughter isn’t producing the money. “Our lawyers are sending a letter to Glee on the grounds that the show allegedly defamed the actress who, by all accounts, is working hard on her recovery,” she told a Gossip Website, most likely in return for a hot meal.

IN more Batman casting news, a fan site (which is a reliable source if we’ve ever seen one) has revealed that Inception’s Tom Hardy will play Dr. Hugo Strange in the Dark Knight Rises.

BLIMEY! Is 2010 the year of crazy break-ups or what? Courteney and David, Lady Gaga and her sanity, and now Eva Longoria and basketball-star Tony Parker. Apparently, Parker has been playing on different courts - sending hundreds of steamy text messages to Erin Barry, who is currently divorcing Parker’s former teammate Brent.

In this week’s episode, Gwyneth Paltrow (who can teach us anytime) attempts to teach Spanish by discussing Lohan’s rehab stints in the language. It can’t be defamation to ask “Lindsay Lohan is totally crazy, right?” - because she is.

“We got a joint statement and everything else is our private life.” When pushed on the subject of Erin Barry he said: “That’s my private life.” We’re sorry, Tony, but have you seen who you’ve been married to recently? She’s the hottest woman in the world. She’s not some gold-digging WAG, (hello, Khloe Kardashian) earning $250,000 an episode. What in the hell is your problem?! Eva? Call us.

In the comics, Dr. Strange is a police psychologist obsessed with Batman. Appearing in 1940, he actually preceeds the Joker and Catwoman by a couple of months. Hardy is riding high on his post-Inception dream run (pun intended), scoring the lead role in Mad Max 4: Fury Road and as a Brit, BBM can’t be happier. Just don’t screw up the Batman ﬁlm.

ANNE’S NAKED BOOB THERE’S a reason why BBM would love to work on a movie set. The free food, the atmosphere, the naked ﬁlm stars... You heard us right. Anne Hathaway was left red-faced after getting “unnecessarily naked” on the set of her new ﬁlm Love And Other Drugs. She said: “On the day I shot the scene where I 18

have to remove my trench coat and be nude e underneath I thought we were ﬁlming, but it turned out we were just rehearsing and I got unnecessarily naked in front of a lot of people. “But hey, I just did my job.” Chalk this up as another reason why BBM would like to be Jake Gyllenhaal. BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

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GOSSIP NO, REALLY, GET ME OUT OF HERE.

BAND TELLS MCFADDEN:

GET A NEW WEST-LIFE! WESTLIFE have stated that they won’t do a Take That and invite old member Brian McFadden back to the group. Then again, Brian is no Robbie Williams...

You’d think that she’d be the most likely to survive on insect brains in the jungle, but BBM predicts this is mother nature sending a stern warning - ‘You are not a celebrity.’

The band took part in a triple boy band bonanza on Sunday’s X Factor which featured performances from previous contestants JLS and the newly reformed Take That. Westlife performed their new single Safe on the results show, which also showcased Take That perform their new track The Flood with Robbie. Shane Filan from the Irish quartet stated that after “seeing Take That with Robbie again has not encouraged us to get Brian back. If he did come back, we’d be thinking, ‘Is he happy with what we are doing now?’” Mark Feehily also added, “It ups the ante for us. When there is no competition, you can

IN this week’s ironic Gossip, nutritionist Gillian McKeith fainted twice in horror only a couple of days into her stint on I’m A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here.

Defending her efforts, she said: ‘I’ve come here, I’ve got in a helicopter and I had a friend who died in a helicopter crash... I slept out in the jungle and I’m terriﬁed of insects and today, I had to cross a bridge and I’m afraid of heights. get a bit lazy so it’s good to have another band back.” Westlife release Safe in a spectacular battle of the boys, with JLS and Take That all promoting and releasing their singles this week. Who said boys never caused drama?

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GOSSIP BILLY’S THAI HANGOVER BBM just loves America’s inability to take anything seriously, after all life is one big movie isn’t it? Billy ‘Big Balls’ Clinton was recently spotted in Thailand ﬁlming a cameo role in The Hangover 2. Yeah, for real, the ex-President of the United States who lost it all by having it off with an intern, and who’s wife Hilary is still an active political leader, decided to piss off for a couple of weeks and hang out with a bunch of twenty somethings in the sunshine. He joins the cast alongside Liam Neeson, a late addition after objections from other cast members to an appearance by Mel Gibson. And lets face it, Mel’s problems (see following story) eclipse any involving our boy Billy. But you know what? Get him back into power, the man clearly knows how to enjoy himself and grab life by the horns – at least his own horn that is.

WE’RE all fully aware that Mel Gibson is, quite frankly, insane and that his favourite pastimes include shouting profanities very loudly into tape recorders and hating Jewish people. But ex-partner and full time media whore, Oksana Grigorieva, may have just helped Mad Max in his quest for sole custody of their daughter.

Secondly, after being ordered to stay away from the media during the court battle by the judge, Oksana just could not help herself as she recorded an hour-long interview with Larry King. That’s right, not just a quick quip to any reporters

However after current presenters Coleen Nolen and Carol McGifﬁn called Katie a ‘dick’ and a ‘monster’ we’re hoping they have some swing with the producers to stop this horrible, horrible thing from happening.

LINDSAY Lohan is apparently back to work this week and no, that’s not an euphemism for falling off the wagon. The starlet has been asked to do a photo shoot for Russian based clothing line Kira Plastina with the shoot apparently ending up in a major fashion magazine. The actress / model / mess is currently at the Betty Ford clinic seeking treatment for her drug addiction. The clinic gave Lohan the all clear to do the shoot, which will take place not too far from the clinic itself.

OKSANA BLOWS IT

First, it came out last week that Mel’s rants were in fact recorded on the one day. Of course the once-a-day release of the tapes painted a picture of nonstop ranting (which is fun to imagine, don’t you think?)

LOOSE KATIE THE UK’s work attendance is about to increase ten-fold with the news that Katie Price may well be joining the panel of Loose Women, meaning that it’s just not worth taking a day off work if you have to endure an hour of Katie Price chatting shit with a bunch of haggered old bints no matter how hungover you are.

following her or a ﬁveminute call to a radio station – a full one-hour interview, including playing those recordings for the millionth time. However, she was careful to say something nice, “Mel is a great father, but he needs therapy to deal with his issues so he can safely be around Lucia.” The question remains, where is Lucia while her mother is stretching out her ﬁfteen minutes?

The Mean Girls star is struggling with her ﬁnances after work slowed down as her troubles increased. Her supposed “comeback” role as porn star Linda Lovelace is even in jeopardy after her spell in jail and now rehab. Sources say that Lohan will be paid for the shoot, but an amount has yet to be agreed upon. May we hope Lindsay has ﬁnally learnt her lesson!

98 DEGREES OF SEPARATION JESSICA Simpson is so happy that she is set to be taken up the aisle again that she announced the news in the same week that her ex, Nick Lachey, announced his engagement to his girlfriend of 5 years, Vanessa Minnillo. The singer and Eric Johnson have been inseparable since May, yet things never run simply in celebrity land. Joe Simpson, Jess’ father and manager, is concerned that his 22

daughter is strongly against signing a pre nup, despite the fact that her last divorce cost her $10 million. Well she was stupid enough to confuse tuna for chicken! Seems as though there will be a whole lot of kissing under various mistletoe in Tinseltown this Christmas - as BBM vomits in the corner.

BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

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SOAPS CORONATION ST. ANNA discovers some tells her that Peter has been shocking news when an spending so much time with Army ofﬁcer turns up on his new alcoholic friend their doorstep and delivers “Carl”, not knowing that it is in the news that Gary has been fact Carla. seriously hurt in an attack that killed three others. Upon hearing this Carla arranges to meet up with Meanwhile Leanne struggles Peter and he gets a big surprise. with whether she can continue to work with Nick Meanwhile after sleeping the pastor at together. When the church Nick asks her to makes his look him in the feelings clear eye and tell him about Sophie she doesn’t want and Sian’s him, she can’t and he moves in for a relationship kiss. and tells them that homosexuality Leanne conﬁdes is a sin. in Carla and also

EastEnders

IT LOOKS like Stacey may be digging herself a hole when she admits to Lauren she did kill Archie, and says Bradley would have taken the blame no matter what for the sake of Lily. Lauren continues to get wound up by Max and Stacey’s constant communication and is sure they are sleeping together. When Vanessa and Max tell Stacey to steer clear of him, Stacey is distraught – but will Lauren really dob her in?

Meanwhile Shirley is spending some ill-gotten gains and annoying Phil with her splurges and lending Heather money. Phil is further riled when Roxy informs him that she has to sell the house – but will Phil be able to buy it from her? Glenda gets jealous when her cougar housemate Carol gets it on with her son’s friend Connor. Elsewhere Jodie and Darren give Tamwar a make over, but he still manages to get Aﬁa over to his house while his parents are out.

BELA and Sarah assure Suzanne they are her allies. Bela later pleads with Deegan to intervene before Damien kills Suzanne. Suzanne then reveals the reason behind her aggressive behaviour - Damien made her do it! She then ﬁnds herself alone, and potentially homeless.

TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

Meanwhile, Doug and Philip bond over a comic hero; a part-time mechanic, part-time super hero.

|▲

HOLLYOAKS + FOLLOWING the aftermath of the Il Gnosh ﬁre, Hollyoaks are doing their very best to keep all storylines under wraps. What we can tell you is that they did in fact do exactly what we asked them not to. They orphaned poor little Tom, again! Can that kid ever catch a break? First he loses his parents in a car crash, then Max gets killed, and now they upset the poor kid for the last few months by giving Steph cancer, only to then take her out in the Il Gnosh blaze whilst she 24

heroically saved Amy and her children. OK, Carly Stensen, we know you want to go on to bigger and better things, being the longest-running cast member, but really, how selfish. What’s Tom going to do now, move in with Gilly and Rhys and be raised gay-dad style? In other news, bad boy Warren is back as a flashback reveals he managed to get out of The Loft fire. So having never shown the viewers his body, he’s been raised from the dead and is plotting something.

Emmerdale

HAZEL berates Aaron when she ﬁnds him drinking his troubles away and tells him he shouldn’t throw in the towel so easily with Jackson.

Meanwhile Chas’s plan to take down Eve is in full swing, and when Carl asks Eve to take his bank card and get money out for the stag kitty, she panics and conﬁdes in Chas that she’s lost the money and the card. Little does she know it’s all down to Chas. Chas seductively tells Carl to keep the next night free but just what is she planning? Elsewhere, Moira

is thrown into panic when she finds Holly climbing out of the window and proceeds to board the windows up. When she later finds Holly covered in blood from selfharming with one of the nails from the boarded windows, Moira is torn and finds herself scouring the streets for heroin for her daughter. Wracked with guilt when John and Adam think she’s getting better, Moira is forced to choose again when Holly begs her for more, but what lengths with Moira go to? BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

THE WRAP GOING TO IBIZA AFTER a phenomenal Australian debut on New Year’s Day 2010, the iconic Space Ibiza is set to embark on another trip Down Under, starting off 2011 with an even bigger and better party, ﬁrmly making its mark on the Australian music festival calendar.

Space Ibiza Festival New Years Day 2011 Entertainment Quarter, Moore Park Over 18 - spaceibizafestival.com.au

WEEKEND WEEKS IN TOTAL BOX EARNINGS RELEASE OFFICE

FILM

Our friends at Paul Strange Presents and Space Ibiza are offering a double pass and a T-Shirt every week from now until the Space Ibiza Festival. Visit bbmlive.com for more details!

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE SPIDERBAIT, will be joining Guns N’ Roses at the Telstra 500 V8 Supercars. A ‘Race and Ride’ ticket will get you access to all the big race and all the post-event music action. When: December 3, 4 and 5 Where: Sydney Olympic Park

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FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

WE LOVE INDIE’S

FORMING ﬁve years ago at Manchester University, UK guitar band The Answering Machine are, with the imminent release of new album Lifelines, preparing to go overground. ALEX BERWICK caught up with singer Martin Colclough to discuss the record. Did you actively try to do something different on Lifelines? We’ve always wanted to progress and evolve the sound of the band, that just feels natural. As our own

lives bend and grow, it seems only right that our inspiration, and therefore our songs, do the same. You lived in the U.S. for a year. Did that change your perspective? There’s an optimism about life in the U.S., that seems a bit lost in our homeland. A few of the songs on the new

album are direct references to our time in New York. We have a song called Hospital Lung which I wrote in our Brooklyn apartment, and we recorded in Manhattan. I tried to make the song reﬂect my take on the city, and Pat’s lyrics on this song really outline his time there.

COMPETITIONS AFTER Santa Claus is unearthed in an archaeological dig, children start disappearing, leading a boy and his father to capture Santa. BBM has tickets to an exclusive sneak preview of Rare Exports: A Christmas Story on November 26, 27 and 28 around the country.

IF you’re a Sydneysider, we have a treat for you. Ben and Jerry’s are giving away a pack containing six pint tubs of ice cream in a cow print cooler bag. Yum! Visit the website to enter. You must live in Sydney or be able to pick the pack up from the CBD.

PRESENTED BY WE LOVE INDIE, SATURDAY NIGHTS AT THE FORBES HOTEL SYDNEY

What was the thinking behind not signing for a major label? I guess there’s no certainty to success anymore. The industry plummeted into new lows. It was at this time that our current label, Heist Or Hit, came along and offered us a deal. It’s not a proﬁt-led model, so in hindsight, it was the best thing we could’ve done. The band are currently on their European tour. For the full interview, visit bbmlive.com

TO ENTER, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/COMPETITIONS

RAGGA MUFFIN’S stellar 2011 line up includes Mary J. Blige, Maxi Priest, Sean Paul, The Black Seeds & The Red Eyes.

MONSTERS is a British-made ﬁlm taking place after the Mexico-US border was fenced off due to an alien invasion six years prior.

BBM has a double pass to give away to the event, which takes place between January 26 and February 2nd!

BBM has tickets to give away thanks to our friends at Madman Entertainment. Monsters opens November 25.

BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

PHOTOS We Love Indie

Launch night

The Charlatans

THE Charlatans came to the Metro and proved that, when you have as many brilliant songs as they do, age is no barrier to putting on a fantastic show. This band has by far outlived its “Manchester baggy” tag to become one of the greatest indie bands in the world. The crowd was a mix of ex-pat Madchester diehards, shoegazers and indie girls swooning over Tim Burgess still youthful looks. The set began with “Then”, and over the next hour and 45 minutes highlighted their back catalogue, here and there dropping tracks from their new album “Who We Touch” (my tip: buy it now!) “Telling Stories”, “Smash the System”, “Weirdo” and “One to Another” were all in there.

The crowd went mental as the band ripped into “The Only One I Know” following that up with “North Country Boy”, Tim stopping his vocal to allow the crowd to sing the title back to him. The band fully complimented Tim’s vocal range without drowning him out, and they all looked good in their new age mod gear. Once again a great night at the Metro, only 1 encore, which included “Love is Ending” and an elongated version of “Spronson Green”, but noone could say they didn’t get their money’s worth. Long live The Charlatans. Reviewed by Northern Soul Poster Boy (Northern Soul Poster Boy plays at MOTION, 4 December at the Hollywood Hotel).

BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

REVIEWS HARRY POTTER

AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART ONE

DIRECTOR

CAST

RELEASED

Daniel Radcliffe David Yates Emma Watson (Harry Potter 5 & 6) IT’S hard to review a film that is essentially a two-hour trailer for next year’s final Harry Potter. But I’m going to try, goshdarnit! The film is dark and gloomy, almost like Empire Strikes Back in that nothing goes right for our lead characters. It may scare the kids but it’s more entertaining for us adults to watch. Fans of the book aren’t going to like this but there’s a fair bit that could’ve been edited out of the final cut. There’s a lot of exposition and plot points in here, but you’d think they’re all essential to the next chapter.

RATING

November 18 In Cinemas (M)

previous films, Ralph Fiennes is the real highlight of Part 1 as Voldemort while, lets face it, Bill Nighy is fun in any film he stars in. It’s also lucky these 11-year-olds they hired back in 2001 grew up to be good actors, isn’t it? The thing is, this is only half a film. A bloody long half, but half nonetheless. So there’s nothing resembling an ending, only a really long intermission. As a standalone film, there’s nothing to write home about but I’m sure it’ll be spectacular once reunited with its other half. Just go to the bathroom first, it’s a long ride. Ben Harlum

After brief appearences in the

SHORT STACK

RED HILL

THIS IS BAT COUNTRY

SINGLES

RELEASED

Planets Different Disco

November 12

RATING

start of the album in the form of Bat Country, The Cross and the ﬁrst single Planets - which is a really catchy pop-punk song that’s performed with gusto and charisma from lead singer Shaun Diviney. ALRIGHT, it may be easy to lump Short Stack in with the other naff bands teenagers are screaming over these days, but their second album is actually quite a solid effort. The strongest tracks come at the

It’s a shame the energy doesn’t last the distance, as it fades out near the end, but it’s a strong album nonetheless. Don’t judge before you take a listen, it may be your new guilty pleasure. BH

CAST

DIRECTOR

RELEASED

Ryan Kwanten Steve Bisley

Patrick Hughes

November 25

The most ridiculous part of the film is the random panther that decides to show up halfway through. It just PATRICK Hughes is listed as writer, director, editor, and producer rocks up and leaves. on this film. Clearly nobody had the Just when The Loved Ones shows guts to tell him his film was pants. how to turn Australian film on its head, Red Hill manages to A reminder of the lows that reinforce the stereotype of bad Australian film can reach, Red local films. And this is very bad. BH Hill works really well as a parody

FAIR GAME

GILGAMESH

RELEASED

Time to Wander Jona Vark

November 12

RATING

(Directing Debut) In Cinemas (MA15+)

- there’s the over-the-top music when the villain appears for example - but unlike Machete, this is supposed to be a serious thriller!

GYPSY AND THE CAT SINGLES

CAST

DIRECTOR

RELEASED

Naomi Watts Sean Penn

Doug Liman

November 25

(Bourne Identity)

as David Fridmann (of Mercury Rev fame and producer of MGMT, Flaming Lips, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah to name a few) as well as Rich Costey (producer of Muse, Mew, Franz Ferdinand, Glasvegas) for ﬁnal mixing duties. PUTTING their turntables aside, Australian duo Gypsy and the Cat have emerged from their Melbourne garage and high-tailed it across the pond. Now residing in East London and working with Indie royalty such

Their newly released album Gilgamesh is a mix of dreamy 80’s electronica and folk. A little bit Fleetwood Mac, a lot Empire of the Sun and all in all a perfect summer soundtrack. Vanessa Higgins

RATING

In Cinemas (M)

was betrayed by the FBI. American reviewers have complained that too much common knowledge was used but for us who aren’t aware of the story, it’s a great plot that’s easy to follow and engrossing. Watts and Penn are really good here, you feel for their characters and begin to hate that darn George Bush even more - if that’s even possible. The best part is that it feels real, because it indeed did Filmed in an intimate, almost documentary style, the ﬁlm tells the happen - which makes the ﬁlm that more surprising. BH tale of Valerie Plame (Watts) who

IF you like your thrillers a bit political and slower than Bourne and Bond, ditch The American and see Fair Game.

BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

INTERVIEW

soul sister

Sister Bliss, as a founding member of Faithless and DJ in her own right, is one of Britain’s most popular ﬁgures in the electronica scene.

After a mountain of Facebook groups, petitions and demand, Faithless are coming back to Australia to headline Good Vibrations. BEN HARLUM was the most popular person in the ofﬁce when he got to catch up with Sister Bliss. I hate to ask the obvious question but what has taken you so long to return? Well I actually came more recently than the band because I was DJ’ing, but it’s been bad organisation to be honest with you. We were self-managed for a long time but we have management now and have sorted everything out. I really don’t know why we didn’t tour the last album in Australia, which is frustrating because I know we have an absolute massive fanbase there but we’re not the most organised people, and I can only apologise for that - [laughs] - better late than never I guess! When there’s a demand for you to return, does that get back to you in the UK? There’s Facebook groups galore dedicated to the cause... Aw, bless! It’s incredible, it blows me away because I don’t live in a bubble but you make music in a very small space and you don’t realise how much of an impact you have on the wider world. You make an album and you’re having such fun in the studio but you’re ﬁlled with self-doubt, and it does blow me away that Faithless still have such a following because we aren’t the hot

new thing. I feel as part of the scene as ever and I’m proud to be a ﬂagbearer for the electronic scene because it’s been dissed, knocked about and I’ve always begged to differ. When you’re so well known for the ‘Faithless experience’, is there pressure there to keep topping yourself? For me, the bigger the better! I love a big show and I think our music really translates. I also know our fans love to be up close so we did put together the Faithless Sound System gigs, where we went to clubs that could never hold the usual live show.

You’re coming down for Good Vibrations, is there one particular gig or festival set you’re most proud of? There’s hundreds! Glastonbury’s 40th anniversary was an incredible show, you couldn’t see where the crowd ended. I know it meant a lot to Maxxi, he really has been on ﬁre all summer. We nearly cried at the end, we were both so moved by the people and it could possibly be the last time we perform there. Then I had to go back to London and take my son to school in the morning - the mad extremes of my life! Good Vibrations ‘11 Sydney: February 12 Melbourne: February 13 Gold Coast: February 19 Perth: February 20 Tickets on sale now.

MARTY

48, Executive, 10th voted out

Ahh, Marty. He had the elder tribe (and the secret to immculate hair) in his pocket but fell victim to a dozen Survivor twists - giving up the immunity idol, a tribe swap and the merge to name a few. What was the deal with your hair, how did it stay up? [laughs] It cracks me up that the hair took on a life of its own, clearly I had nothing to do with it! It was salt, grime, sweat, and so many people during the season absolutely loved it. It’s back to normal now, but it was accentuated in my last few days out there when you added fear and anxiety. You are a fan of the show, what was your initial gameplan going onto the show? As a fan I knew I wanted to align with a couple of woman, that ended up working with Yve and Jill. I can get along with some women but it was important to have a couple who could inﬂuence other females on the tribe. They were the perfect alliance, Jill in particular.

Now was there a clear incident that started this feud with Jane or was it something different? It’s really inexplicable to me, from the beginning we targeted Jane on Espada and that made her deeply resentful. She approached the gang by telling them her husband had died and she needed the money, that didn’t sit well with me - I don’t know if it’s even true. She tried to use that to leverage favour and I didn’t respect her decision making, aligning with the two biggest knuckleheads in Wendy and Jimmy T. She was on the chopping block so she took that and became really venomous. Beyond that, nothing else took place and targeting her at Tribal was just me telling everyone to wake up and realise that she could go far in the game, nothing personal. Survivor airs Tuesday nights on Channel Nine. To listen to our extended interview with Marty, visit our Survivor Hub: bbmlive.com/survivor.html

BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

INTERVIEW

FOR EVEN MORE INTERVIEWS THAT ARE TOO HOT FOR THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/CELEBRITY-INTERVIEWS

A MODERN MAN

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INTERVIEW to infinity and beyond

WITH the arrival of Toy Story 15 years ago, Pixar Animation Studios broke new ground for animated features not only with its landmark use of computers, but also by bringing traditional ﬁlmmaking techniques to the medium.

Modern Family Season 1 is available on DVD right now. Thanks to our friends at Fox Home Entertainment, we have 5 copies to giveaway - visit us at bbmlive.com/competitions.html for details!

was from a completely different design universe. We wanted it to still feel like a Toy Story film, but we also wanted to take advantage of the technology and the artistry that we’re capable of now. I believe we’ve created a film that sits nicely alongside those previous films, but it just looks exponentially better in so many ways.”

With Toy Story 3, Lee Unkrich (pictured, right) takes the keys to the car and drives the film to some exciting new dimensions in his role as director. “With Toy Story, we pioneered the notion of using traditional cinematic grammar to make an animated film,” says Unkrich. “And that’s what everybody does now. I was very instrumental in designing the camera work and, of course, cutting the first and second film. So there’s a continuity heading into the third film.” From a cinematography perspective, Unkrich explains that “We had an interesting challenge on Toy Story 3 because the tools and the technology have advanced quite a bit since Toy Story 2, and the artists at the studio have gotten so much better.” “When you look at the first Toy Story now, it’s relatively crude,” he adds. “After all, it was the first CG film. For Toy Story 3, I didn’t want the film to feel like it

As director of photography: camera, Jeremy Lasky worked closely with Unkrich on blocking and staging the shots. “We tried to keep our cameras grounded in what people are used to seeing historically in cinema,” Lasky says. “This isn’t a video game. This is a story, and things need to feel believable. You need to feel like you’re in this world, and it all makes sense. You want to focus on the story and not on what the camera’s doing. You want to get lost in the characters and their feelings.” Toy Story 3 is available on DVD and BluRay right now.

BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

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WHAT’S ON SYDNEY

Metronomy IT seems Australian audiences just can’t get enough of Metronomy. Returning to Australia for a string of shows, including Harbourlife, Metronomy’s quirky pop is always a treat. Metronomy began ten years ago in the tiny, bohemian market town of Totnes in Devon, when Joseph’s dad sold his son a computer so he could sit in his bedroom and make electronic music inspired by the likes of Autechre, LFO and Aphex Twin. Along with their much loved tracks, Metronomy will be showcasing new material, which you can expect to be as elliptical, insidious, multi coloured and richly textured art pop as is always expected. When: Tuesday 23rd November Time: 8pm Where: Oxford Art Factory Cost: $35

Nowhere Boy THE 70th anniversary of John Lennon’s birth is being celebrated with multiple events worldwide including Nowhere Boy at the Basement, featuring some of Sydneys ﬁnest artists. The night will feature acoustic acts as well as a house band performing choice cuts from Lennon’s catalogue. When: Saturday 27th November Time: 9.30pm Where: The Basement, Circular Quay Cost: General Admission $20 Dinner and Show $69

Human Race TEAMS of four will race around Sydney solving clues to unmask the next mystery location and perform challenges which are sure to put their ﬁtness, intellect and resourcefulness to the test. If you want to take part, choose your team wisely and start fundraising to give yourselves the best chance of mission success. When: 27 November (1pm) to 28 November (1pm) Where: Cockatoo Island Cost: $30

Where: Sydney Opera House When: Sunday, 7th November Red Carpet opens 4.30pm Cost: $75 for Forecourt Admission

Design for Humanity BILLABONG’S 2nd annual Design For Humanity beneﬁt is a celebration of fashion, art and music where the proceeds will beneﬁt UNICEF’s Pakistan Children’s Appeal. This massive block party will feature a concert stage with headliners The Vines, a DJ party with Purple Sneakers DJ’s. Get a summer fashion preview at the Virgin Blue runway showcasing one-off Billabong bikinis, the custom art gallery and much more. When: Wednesday 24th November Time: 7.30pm Where: Oxford Art Factory Cost: $25

Japanese Film Festival ONE of Sydney’s top ten ﬁlm festivals according to the Eyewitness Travel Guide, feast yourself on an abundance of Australian premieres, special guests and fantastic prizes to be won. The 14th Japanese Film Festival promises to be nothing short of spectacular. When: November 22 to 28 Where: Event Cinemas, George St Cost: Adults $15 5-Film Pass $60

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WHAT’S ON MELBOURNE

PIETA Brown’s unique blend of alt-country, folk, blues and indie rock has been embraced by music fans and put her at the forefront of the Americana scene. Her latest releases One And All, Shimmer and Remember the Sun have all garnered rave reviews and broken into the top of the US indie music charts.

Pieta Brown will be touring Australia for the ﬁrst time with acclaimed guitarist Bo Ramsey. Where: Northcote Social Club When: 23 & 24 November Cost: $32 on the door

FIERY songstress Paris Wells has returned with a beautiful, eclectic and audacious sophomore album that will kick you in the balls and leave you begging for more.

“I love electronic music. My passion for electronic and beat music is equal to my passion for vintage sounds and instruments,” explains Paris. “The ideas are really clear, sonically and lyrically.”

From the wild tracks to the softer moments, Various Small Fires is a combination of ﬁerce electro-soul with seductive beats created by vintage instruments and modern synthesizers.

FORMED in 2006 by chance, Rudely Interrupted found a support fan base in the pubs and clubs of Melbourne. They have grown to become one of Australia’s most unique and celebrated bands, they have toured the world, performed on some of the biggest and most different stages, starred in a critically acclaimed documentary ﬁlm, and are

Where: The Toff in Town When: Wednesday 24 November Cost: $12

now set to release their debut record Tragedy of the Commons. Where: Northcote Social Club When: Sunday 28 November Cost: $17

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WHAT’S ON MELBOURNE

Who Killed Laura Palmer? IT’S the question that reverberated around the televisual world in the 90’s. Join ACMI for a marathon nine-hour celebration of Twin Peaks talks and screenings that pay homage to some of your favourite characters as well as the auteur of eerie Americana himself, David Lynch. The screenings will include the Pilot, episode two, six, eight and Fire Walk With Me (Rated R18+), with discussions and Q&A sessions following. The event will run for nine hours with regular intervals during the day. Where: ACMI, Federation Square When: 25 November, from 12 - 9pm Cost: Adults $18, Concession $15

Fat Freddy’s Drop DRIVEN by the power of live performance, sheer hard work and savvy independent vinyl releases, Fat Freddy’s Drop have taken the world by storm with their hypnotic dub and soul grooves. Their debut, Based On A True Story, made history as the ﬁrst independently distributed album to hit number one on the NZ Album Charts. Awarded Best Live Act at the b-Net NZ Music Awards in 2004, the seven-piece family have become one of the country’s most loved and respected groups. When: Friday 26th November Where: Forum Theatre Cost: $68

Girls Day Out GRAB your girl friends, sisters, mothers and daughters and get your groove on with free group training and Zumba classes. Get your glam on with free make overs and laugh out loud over a high heel race! There’s gift bags for the ﬁrst 50 ladies, treats and prizes for best dressed. All proﬁts go to The Cancer Council. When: Sunday November 21 Where: Fawkner Park, South Yarra

The Ashes A NEW exhibition in the National Sports Museum at the MCG, traces the history of cricket’s cracking rivalry - The Ashes. In Ashes to Ashes, a single item represents each of the series played between the two teams, right back to the earliest international tour in 1861/62. When: 10.00am – 5.00pm daily Where: Northern Stand, MCG Cost: Entry to the Ashes to Ashes exhibition is included in general museum admission.

Monsters of Rock THIS is an eight year rock tradition which has developed a cultlike following and toured throughout the country. This year features Kisstroyer, Appetite for Destruction, High Voltage (AC/DC), Binge and Purge (Metallica) and more! When: Saturday 27 November Where: Hi-Fi Cost: $27

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100% Thrills Th hrills

MELBOURNE NEWS NOT SWIMMING WITH SUCCESS A COLLEGE in Melbourne has cancelled its annual swimming carnival this week – because most of the students can’t swim. Makes sense. What’s next? School for the blind cancels archery competition? Idiots.

carnival has been dropping dramatically and, not only that, the quality of the swimming was really quite poor,” said College principal Barbara Mothersdale.

The decision to cancel the competition came after keeneyed (but dull-witted) teachers realised the same kids were winning all the events. The fact that several competitiors simply ﬂailed about in the water as well was a bit of a giveaway. “We’ve been noticing over the last few years that the rate of participation at the swimming

The news comes as the Royal Life Saving Society today revealed that one in ﬁve children will leave primary school this year without the skills to swim the length of an Olympic-sized pool. We can only assume they found out this information by chucking 10-year-olds into a pool and seeing how many drowned.

SPIDER MAN IN YET another pointless charity stunt up there with baths of baked beans and growing over-large vegetables, a bloke who “doesn’t like spiders much” is set to spend three weeks in a shopfront window surrounded by the bloody things. In a not-thought-out-well plan, Nick Le Shouef was supposed to be living with 400 spiders – but they started eating each other because of a lack of food. There’s about 300 of them now, with a few crickets and cockroaches thrown in for spider food. “I don’t like spiders all that much, I must confess,’’ said Le Souef said as he embarked on his recordbreaking attempt. ‘’I’m not afraid of them but I don’t like them particularly.’’ Considering he’ll squash about 10 of the buggers every time he shifts his arse, we doubt they’ll be keen on him either.

HE’S MINE BROTHER IF YOUR brother went missing near an old gold mine and you spent the next 35 years looking for his body, spending $65,000 in the process and eventually driving yourself bankrupt, you’d perhaps think it was time to call it quits. Well don’t say that to Maryborough man Daryl Floyd who, despite having run out of money, is determined to carry on the rather pointless and life-wasting search for his sibling. He’s applied for more government funding to help his quest – despite no evidence whatsoever having been turned up over the last three decades. Do yourself a favour Daryl, give it up man.

THE BEST LAID PANTS IN THE BBM household, our natural antipathy towards washing clothes combined with a general lifestyle summed up by the phrase “lives like a pig” means bags full of dirty underwear are a common sight. We’ll quite happily go for months “recycling” the same 10 pairs of underpants rather than face the task of actually using the washing machine and hanging things out to dry. Generally speaking, however, all those used underpants are 44

our own. We’re not quite that dirty. That wasn’t the case for a 48-year-old bloke in Eltham who was collared trying to steal underpants off a clothes line this week. When police then raided his home, they found a skidmarktastic 10 garbage bags full of pants that he’d pilfered from various backyards. Disgusting bastard. Still, we’d prefer a drink with him over a stamp collector. BBM-582 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

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WHAT’S ON PERTH

THEY’RE two of music’s most acclaimed bands boasting two of music’s greatest front women – Deborah Harry leading Blondie and Chrissie Hynde fronting the Pretenders. As a double-bill, it’s a world ﬁrst! Both The Pretenders and Blondie have enjoyed great success in Australia, fuelled by a stream of timeless top ten hits and the popularity of Hynde and Harry. As co-headliners, the bands will alternate in closing the shows. Where: Kings Park & Botanic Garden When: Wednesday 24 November Thursday 25 November Cost: $110

EARLY last year, audiences across Australia and New Zealand were privileged to experience the incomparable live talents of Leonard Cohen. Those lucky enough to be in attendance at the concerts described them in glowing and effusive terms, earning the envy of those who had missed out on what many speculated would be the last opportunity to see Leonard Cohen on our shores. Don’t miss out this time! Where: nib Stadium When: Wednesday 24 November, 7pm Cost: From $143

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Hot Summer Cool Work

CALLING ALL WORKING HOLIDAY MAKERS

EXPERIENCE AUSTRALIA WITH US • • •

Want to be part of an International network of Companies? Want to earn great money while you’re here? Do you enjoy a fun and energetic environment? Just choose your destination and contact us today! SYDNEY • MELBOURNE • PERTH • BRISBANE ADELAIDE • REGIONAL AREAS as well Call Juanita on (02) 9211-1022 or email your resume to jpappalardo@appcogroup.com.au

To learn more about what we get up to check us out at www.appcogroup.com

RECRUITMENT

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RECRUITMENT

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JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA DO YOU WANT TO WRITE about traveling around the Australians West Coast? This is a great opportunity to get your name in to print. This not a paid job, but other beneﬁts are available like free activities or accommodation as you travel. Well established magazine now ten years old. Please apply to: guchi.shakir@what-media. com SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE. Immediate start. Full sales training. Fun working environment. Extensive travel opportunities. Call now - Sydney: (02) 9212 2668. Melbourne: (03) 9425 9444. Brisbane: (07) 3217 3307 TOP DECK IS LOOKING FOR EUROPEAN COACH DRIVERS Get paid to visit some of Europe’s best destinations while providing 1830 somethings with an unforgettable travel experience. Competitive remuneration plus all accommodation, meals and transport paid whilst on the road. Visit: http://topdeckrecruit.com or call: 1300 366 573

BBM-583 // JOB LISTINGS

MELBOURNE

SYDNEY

PROMOTIONAL STAFF. call centre work available to promote electricity and gas. simple work and great money. full time training provided - no experience needed. melbourne work only. call jerry on 03 9867 6322

CASUAL HOSPITALITY STAFF NEEDED. Chefs, Kitchen Hands, Waiters etc required for immediate start. Earn great rates - $20 - $45 per hour. Register today & start tomorrow. Ph: 9324 4644 jobs@ alseasons.com.au www.alseasons.com.au

ADVERTISING & PROMOTIONS We’re looking for fun, loud & vibrant people to come join us in our young, dynamic sales & marketing company. Have fun at work with colleagues from all over the world as well as having the opportunity to progress and earn GREAT money at the same time. • Get paid a competitive hourly rate! • Career progression opportunities! • Complete development & product training! • No experience needed! • Available shifts between 10am – 8pm Monday to Friday! • Sponsorship opportunities available! Call NOW! 03 9011 8447 FLAUNT IT! We are the leading producers of creative nude photography, and are looking for amateur models 18 + to smash the stereotypes. Earn 500+ cash on your own terms. Fun, safe women run company. Call Rebecca 03 9495 6555

INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: • Warehousing • Labouring • Stores • Process Work Green card and safety boots are an advantage – however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email Ciara@industriousrecruitment.com.au or call on 02-92705234

CALLING ALL WORKING HOLIDAY MAKERS! -Earn great money while you’re here -Be part of an international network of companies -Fun and energetic environment Jobs available in Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Brisbane, Adelaide and regional areas! 02 92111022 or email jpappalardo@appcogroup.com.au www.appcogroup.com EXPERIENCED SANDWICH HAND Required - Monthly Position 15th oct 18th Nov. Mon - Fri - City location - 6am -2pm. Call Yvonne 02 9267 4430

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ON (02) 8231 7701

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(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES 135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay www.atmichelles.com

BBM-583 // JOB LISTINGS

ADULT EMPLOYMENT TRAVELLERS, STUDENTS & LOCALS

Several vacancies exist @ our friendly well established full service parlour @ Darling Harbour. We have flexible shifts, caring female management, great pay ($150 p/hr) and a very safe environment for sexy ladies.Great place for newcomers. Call 02 9660 5942 after 11am for a confidential chat.

TO ADVERTISE CALL

ON (02) 8231 7701

BBM-583 // JOB LISTINGS

KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road. 261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au

Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Female Masseurs Required $110 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team

(02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills www.nirvanasydney.com.au

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ACCOMMODATION MELBOURNE

SYDNEY BONDI JUNCTION. CHEAPER THAN A DORM: Walking distance to Cock and Bull and Tea Gardens. Rooms available: Singles, doubles, triples and quads. All bills inc. All rooms include kitchenette, fridge, microwave. Laundry. Spotless. Near transport. Oxford Court Accommodation. From $120pppw. 170 Oxford Street, Woollahra. Call 9327 2233 / 0412 547 840.

DARLINGHURST BUDGET. NEWLY RE-FURBISHED SHARE ACCOMMODATION Rear of 433 Liverpool Street, Darlinghurst. Corner of West Street. Central location, close to all amenities yet quiet. $140 P/P P/W + $200 Bond. All bills + WIRELESS INTERNET included. Fully furnished rooms in share house. 7 rooms - 2, 3 or 4 person share. Laundry, Kitchen, lounge/TV room. For appointment to view call Louise between 9am-7pm on 0402 034 119.

Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms for $160 a week max 4 bed dorms, doubles and singles rooms also available $300 a week - in the heart of the city. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park. Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

TO ADVERTISE CALL BBM ON 02 8231 7701

BBM-583 // ACCOMMODATION

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au CASA RADIANTE 373 - 375 Bulwara Road, Ultimo Sydney, NSW, 2007 Ph: 0412692824 or 0404 246 003 STRAND HOTEL 99 William St Darlinghurst, Sydney 2010 Ph: 02 93606910 www.strandhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au

PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

LIDO SUITES 2 Roslyn Street, Kings Cross, Sydney, 2011 Ph: 02 8354 0956 Toll Free: 1800 060 954 Fax: 02 9360 5670 kcsuites@leisureinnhotels.com www.leisureinnhotels.com Modern, boutique studio rooms located in the hub of Kings Cross’ non-stop energy and within easy reach of all Sydney’s best attractions.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com KANGA HOUSE BACKPACKERS 141 Victoria St, Kings Cross NSW 2011 FREECALL 1800 4 KANGA Ph: 9357 7897 Fax: 8354 0439 info@kangahouse.com.au www.kangahouse.com.au HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL 428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

HUNTER VALLEY HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

KATOOMBA KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

JINDABYNE SNOWY MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS Ph: 1800 333 468 7-8 Gippsland St. Jindabyne NSW 2627 Fax: 02 6456 1511 backpack@snowy.net.au www.snowybackpackers.com.au

BYRON BAY AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433 BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

GOLDCOAST

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800 www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

CALOUNDRA CALOUNDRA CITY BACKPACKERS 84 Omrah Avenue Caloundra, Sunshine Coast Queensland, Phone: 61 7 5499 7655 www.caloundracitybackpackers.com.au

MOOLOOLABA MOOLOOLABA BACKPACKERS 75 Brisbane Rd Mooloolaba QLD (07) 5444 3399 www.mooloolababackpackers.com

MACKAY GECKO’S REST 34 Sydney st Mackay QLD 4740 Ph: 07 49441230 www.geckorest.com.au info@geckorest.com.au

NOOSA

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

GLOBETROTTERSINTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

MISSION BEACH ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

HERVEY BAY NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au

1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

BBM-583 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

Australia WHITSUNDAYS BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1105 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

RAINBOW BEACH PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

DINGOS BACKPACKER RESORT 20 Spectrum Street, Rainbow Beach QLD 4581 FREECALL: 1800 103 823 www.dingosresort.com 3day/2night Selfguided camping Fraser Island Safari PLUS 2 nights at Dingos Resort $219 NO HIDDEN EXTRAS and FREE Pancake breakfast with every stay!!!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au

MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966 madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com ROYAL HOTEL 531 Wellington Street, Perth Western 6000 Ph: 08 9338 5100 wentpert@fc-hotels.com.au www.royalhotelperth.com.au YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA TOWN SHOP Ross St Mall, Maidstone Cresent, Exmouth, Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060

KUNUNURRA KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

MONKEY MIA MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

BBM-583 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

VICTORIA MILDURA RIVERBOAT BUNGALOW BACKPACKERS (Part of Working Hostels Mildura group) 27 Chaffey Ave Mildura, Victoria 3500 Tel: 0447 WORKER (0447 967 537) info@workinghostels.com.au www.workinghostels.com.au REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE GLOBAL BACKPACKERS 238 Victoria St (cnr Elizabeth St) Nth Melbourne, Vic, 3051 (opposite Queen Vic Market)

Freecall: 1800 700 478 globalhostel@yahoo.com.au www.globalbackpackers.com.au Best kept secret in town - small, simple, centrally located. $20 dorms Decent accommodation cheap!

EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 MELBOURNE METRO YHA

78 Howard Street North Melbourne 3051 Phone: (+613) 9329 8599 Web: www.yha.com.au Email: melbmetro@yhavic.org.au NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com $5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only).

KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au MELBOURNE OASIS YHA 76 Chapman St. North Melbourne VIC Ph: 03 9328 3595 oasis@yhavic.org.au http://www.yha.com.au Inviting all British Balls enthusiasts to check out Melbourne’s completely BUNK FREE hostel. Guaranteeing a good nights sleep! Foxtel TV & free swimming pool pass. Beds start at $27.

HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au

ST. KILDA OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms RITZ FOR BACKPACKERS 169b Fitzroy Street St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, 3182 Ph: 1800 670 364 info@ritzbackpackers.com www.ritzbackpackers.com HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au

HINDMARSH GROOVEY GROUP 10 Bacon St, Hindmarsh SA 5007 getaways@groovygrape.com.au Freecall: 1800 66 11 77 Ph: + 61 8 8440 1640 www.grooveygroup.com.au ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 www.chillis.com.au

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand TE PUKE HAIRY BERRY BACKPACKER HOSTEL 2 No 1 Road, Te Puke NZ 0064 07 5738015 or 021 520539 www.hairyberrynz.com work@hairyberrynz.com “Bring this add for 100MB FREE internet on arrival & we garantee help to get seasonal work”

CHRISTCHURCH CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new ﬂashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakeﬁeld Street Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off ﬁrst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off ﬁrst night if you mention this ad

GREYMOUTH DUKE BACKPACKERS 7 Guinness Street, Greymouth Ph: 03-7689470 dukenz@clear.net.nz www.duke.co.nz

KATIKATI OUR LITTLE PARADISE 378 Whara Whara Road KatiKati Ph +64 7 5490978 ourlittleparadise@ihug.co.nz

KARI KARI PENINSULA NORTHLAND THE RUSTY ANCHOR 1 Tokerau Beach Rd Kari Kari Peninsula Northland 0800 78 78 92 info@rustyanchor.co.nz www.rustyanchor.co.nz

BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfiji.comwww. beachcomberfiji.com AQUARIUS PACIFIC HOTELS LIMITED 17 Wasawasa Road, Newtown, Wailoaloa, Nadi Ph: (679) 6726 000 Fax: (679) 6726 001 reservations@aquariusfiji.com www.aquariusfiji.com

THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fijibeachouse.com www.fijibeachouse.com SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfiji.com, Skype name: Smugglers Cove

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandﬁji. com HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachﬁji.com

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.ﬁjinadibayhotel.com/ TRAVELLERS BEACH RESORT 19 Wasawasa Road, Nadi Bay Beach Ph: 6723322 Fax: 6720026 travellersbeach@connect.com.fj www.travellersbeachresort. com.fj Skype: travellersbeach

NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPaciﬁc Harbour P.O.Box 416 Paciﬁc Habour Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

BBM-583 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

ADVENTURE SPORTS SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA Coffs City Skydivers 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

Skydive Byron Bay P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

Sunshine Coast Skydivers Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com Skydive Coffs Harbour P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

Simply Skydive Sydney P.O. Box 5060 Elanora Heights NSW 2101 Sydney International Regatta Centre

Penrith Lakes NSW 2750 FreeCall 1800 SKYDIVE Ph: 02/92238444 Fax: 02/92315878 Info@simplyskydive.com.au www.simplyskydive.com.au Awesome views of Sydney and the Blue Mountains!

Skydive the Reef Cairns 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

Skydive Jurien Bay 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com

SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au

FISH ROCK DIVE CENTRE 134 Gregory St South West Rocks, NSW 2431 Ph: (02) 6566 6614 or 0414 381985 www.fishrock.com.au dive@fishrock.com.au

Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

World class diving, Gray Nurse Sharks, Caves, Whales...this is the real thing!

NEW ZEALAND

NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE

SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com

Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS

NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz

Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

FIJI SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

SOUTH WEST ROCKS DIVE CENTRE 5/98 Gregory St, South West Rocks, NSW, 2431 Tel: 02 65 66 6474 info@southwestrocksdive.com.au www.southwestrocksdive.com.au Experience Australia’s best ocean cave & shark dive. Catering for first timers to experienced divers

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive.

SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

YOUNG TRAVELLERS TOURS MELBOURNE Ph - 0488 002 212 www.yttours.com Fun original tours along the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island! One day tour from $90 OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.

RAFTING

AUSTRALIA OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

BBM-583 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au

HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au

KITE SURFING

SURFING AUSTRALIA SURF CAMP AUSTRALIA 235 CLARENCE ST, SYDNEY PH: (02) 9262 1757 www.surfcamp.com.au SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Chris@surfingaustralia.com http://www.surfingaustralia.com Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience

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JET BOATING

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Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

ROLLERBLADING AUSTRALIA ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022

GLACIER GUIDING NEW ZEALAND

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SHARK EXPEDITIONS AUSTRALIA

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VISIT BBMLIVE.COM FOR MORE LISTINGS 63

CRYSTAL BALLS Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week Sleeping for 16 hours a day like a koala bear and living in an underground tunnel like a mole will save you money, but won’t win you friends.

to a Metallica concert, people who don’t discipline moaning children, people who whistle – they must all be punished by your vigilante justice.

Nor will a dog-like tendency to clean your genitals with your tongue.

Virgo

Gemini Aries YOUR lack of sleep begins to catch up with you. You’re burning the candle at both ends and you’ve got to learn you can’t have four hours sleep per night and function like a human being. The reason Keith Richards can stay up for nine days at a time is because of high grade narcotics. You can’t even afford a Pot Noodle so they aren’t an option.

Taurus YOU’RE no longer confident – you’re arrogant, and need to be taught a harsh lesson. Walking around every bar like you’re God’s gift doesn’t make you attractive to the opposite sex, but does attract flailing fists. Have some humility or deal with the consequences.

Cancer YOU feel more and more in touch with your animal instincts, but try not to take it too far.

YOUR musical knowledge may be second to none and your CD collection may make HMV jealous, but you must not inflict your singing voice on anyone. No matter how much alcohol you have don’t even think about karaoke. Once you start singing I Will Survive you’ll be surprised to see how many people try to prove the opposite.

Leo YOU’RE torn about your future direction and feel a return to your homeland may be overdue. Write a list outlining the pluses and minuses about both countries. This will bring into sharp focus the sheer misery inflicted by British weather, people and life in general.

Capricorn PUBLIC transport causes you great consternation as your patience runs out with your fellow inhabitants of the peasant wagon. People who listen to their iPods with a volume similar

If your old band mates are in prison or, even worse, in telesales, accept that it wasn’t meant to be.

Sagittarius YOU will be troubled by the futility of work and wonder whether there is more to life than nine-to-five drudgery.

NOTHING of any interest to anyone will happen to you this week. You will be neither lucky nor unlucky, just bored silly.

You realise life is too short to waste as a wage slave and you can now do everything you ever wanted.

Sorry, just cleaned my crystal ball and I can exclusively reveal that you are in for an absolute shitter of a week.

But don’t burn your bridges. After a fortnight sat alone in the pub playing pokies you will be desperate for a meaning to your pointless existence.

First you lose your job for being caught watching MILF porn while you were supposed to be developing a detailed business plan.

Libra YOUR continued phobia to all things creepy crawly will rear its ugly head again, forcing you to confront the problem.

You come to tell your missus the bad news – only to find her being quite boisterously serviced up the back passage by a much younger man. How’s that for poetic justice?

Does it not seem obvious that a spider, cockroach or beetle should be more scared of you, considering you’re approximately one million times the size of it and have access to knives and blow torches?

Aquarius

Scorpio

Pink hair, winklepickers, Global Hypercolour T-shirts you can never go far enough.

YOU will jump on the reunion bandwagon and try to contact old band mates in an attempt to re-create the magic of yester-year. If at first you can’t find a recorder or kazoo to suit your more mature sound, don’t give up.

YOU accept the time has arrived for a major image overhaul. It’s time to prove you aren’t boring and conservative and make people sit up and take notice.

Pisces IT’S time to stand up for yourself and stop being pushed around by bullies. Do it now you useless twat or I’ll punch you. BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

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Bragging Rights

ASK CRYSTAL wouldn’t fancy her anymore.

of deep tonguing.

I don’t want to lose him, so I

horse. She is even talking about having fur surgically grafted onto

reluctantly asked my best friend

Instead of mistrusting him and

if she would be interested. She

limiting the amount of love he

said yes - and now he wants a

can give you, why not invite him

Until now I’ve agreed to these

threesome.

to shag all your friends while you

demands but I’m worried what

sit in the corner and cry your

this new fantasy could lead to.

I don’t want to. Am I being

her feet.

Wayne, Wollongong

eyes out in gratitude.

selfish? Please help.

Dear Crystal, I’VE BEEN going out with my

Doreen, Darwin

Dear Doreen,

gorgeous boyfriend for about six months and we get on really well.

YES. You’re being a selfish

Dear Crystal,

Dear Wayne,

I’VE BEEN happily married

IT sounds like she may have

for eight years and thought

spent a bit too much time

everything in life was just swell.

watching Planet of the Apes.

bitch. If your boyfriend didn’t But a problem arose recently

love you why would he feel the

However, recently my wife has

Sadly there is no known cure to

when he told me he really fancies

need to shag another girl in your

started to make some bizarre

this deviancy so you must stop it

my best mate.

presence?

requests. She has gone from

or embrace it.

wearing sexy lingerie to animal He justified himself by saying it

I bet he loves you so much

was just lust, not love and if he

he wants you to kiss her too,

had sex with her he probably

innocently at first, then with lots

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail editor@britishballs.com

costumes.

You could try introducing a real sheep into your love-life. This

She has dressed as a sheep, a

has worked in both New Zealand

bear and now wants me to be

and Wales.

the rear half of a pantomime

JOKES TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS

THOSE kids at the NSPCC think they’ve had to suffer in silence? I stubbed my toe in a library once. Ted, Leeds TIME traveller’s convention next June. I’m there. Timothy, Perth I’LL stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers. Dexy, Surry Hills FEMALE drivers: the reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street. Rick, Darwin ARE daytime TV phone-in competitions too easy? A: Yes B: Wimbledon C: The Archbishop Of Canterbury John, Wollongong I SOLD some of my son’s toys he doesn’t play with on eBay. Feel quite bad now though. They were his Christmas presents. Sam, Derby

I HAD a recurring dream once. Roger, Randwick YOU know you masturbate too much when you drop your wank sock and the wife shouts from the other room: “I hope that wasn’t one of our good plates.” Peter, Yorkshire IT APPEARS that women are actually turned on by men driving badly. I was tailgating a young lady on the motorway the other day and when she eventually pulled into the middle lane to allow me past, she intimated by her hand gesture that she really wanted to wank me off. Dirty bitch! Tim, Manchester I WENT to see the dentist today. While he was looking at my teeth he said: “It looks like you’ve been eating too much sugar” I don’t mind him saying I’m fat, but if he calls me “sugar” again, I’ll twat him. Jack, Chicago

BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE Team Chelsea Arsenal Manchester United Manchester City Bolton Wanderers Sunderland Tottenham Hotspur Newcastle United Aston Villa Stoke City Liverpool West Bromwich Albion Everton Blackburn Rovers Blackpool Fulham Wigan Athletic Birmingham City Wolverhampton Wanderers West Ham United

Pl 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13

W 9 8 6 6 4 4 5 5 4 5 4 4 3 4 4 2 3 2 2 1

D 1 2 7 4 7 7 4 3 5 1 4 4 6 3 3 8 5 7 3 6

L 3 3 0 3 2 2 4 5 4 7 5 5 4 6 6 3 5 4 8 6

+/20 14 11 5 2 2 1 5 -3 -3 -4 -6 1 -3 -7 0 -11 -3 -10 -11

LEAGUE 1

CHAMPIONSHIP Pts 28 26 25 22 19 19 19 18 17 16 16 16 15 15 15 14 14 13 9 9

Team Cardiff City Queens Park Rangers Swansea City Derby County Leeds United Burnley Doncaster Rovers Norwich City Reading Nottingham Forest Coventry City Ipswich Town Watford Portsmouth Barnsley Leicester City Millwall Scunthorpe United Shefﬁeld United Hull City Middlesbrough Bristol City Crystal Palace Preston North End

Pl 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17 17

W 11 9 10 8 8 6 7 7 6 5 7 7 6 6 6 6 5 6 5 4 5 4 5 4

D 3 8 2 3 3 8 5 5 6 9 3 3 4 4 4 4 5 2 4 6 2 5 2 2

L 3 0 5 6 6 3 5 5 5 3 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 9 8 7 10 8 10 11

+/17 23 9 10 0 7 2 2 6 3 1 -1 2 -1 -6 -6 -1 -6 -9 -7 -9 -11 -12 -13

Pts 36 35 32 27 27 26 26 26 24 24 24 24 22 22 22 22 20 20 19 18 17 17 17 14

Team Pl Brighton & Hove Albion 16 Charlton Athletic 16 AFC Bournemouth 16 Carlisle United 16 Huddersﬁeld Town 16 Colchester United 16 Milton Keynes Dons FC 16 Peterborough United 16 Shefﬁeld Wednesday 16 Southampton 16 Oldham Athletic 15 Exeter City 16 Swindon Town 16 Hartlepool United 15 Bristol Rovers 16 Rochdale 15 Leyton Orient 16 Brentford 16 Plymouth Argyle 16 Tranmere Rovers 16 Notts County 15 Dagenham & Redbridge 16 Yeovil Town 16 Walsall 16

W 10 8 7 7 8 6 8 8 7 7 6 6 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 3 4 3

D 4 4 5 5 2 8 2 1 3 3 6 4 5 5 5 4 4 4 4 4 1 6 3 2

LEAGUE 2

L 2 4 4 4 6 2 6 7 6 6 3 6 6 5 6 6 7 7 7 7 9 7 9 11

+/17 6 14 9 7 3 1 0 8 7 5 -5 -3 -4 -7 2 0 -3 -6 -7 -7 -11 -13 -13

Pts 34 28 26 26 26 26 26 25 24 24 24 22 20 20 20 19 19 19 19 19 16 15 15 11

Team Chesterﬁeld Port Vale Shrewsbury Town Wycombe Wanderers Bury Rotherham United Torquay United Stevenage Football Club Crewe Alexandra Macclesﬁeld Town Cheltenham Town Burton Albion Bradford City Aldershot Town Southend United Stockport County Accrington Stanley Oxford United Morecambe Northampton Town Lincoln City Gillingham Hereford United Barnet

Pl 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 15 16 16 16 15 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16 16

W 9 8 8 7 8 7 6 5 5 6 6 5 6 4 5 4 3 4 4 4 4 3 3 3

D 5 6 4 7 4 6 6 8 7 4 4 6 2 7 3 6 8 5 5 5 4 6 6 4

L 2 2 4 2 4 3 4 3 4 6 5 5 8 5 7 6 5 7 7 7 8 7 7 9

+/14 11 9 9 8 7 7 6 12 -2 -3 4 -3 -5 -2 -13 -2 -3 -6 -6 -9 -7 -10 -16

L 0 1 2 3 3 4 4 5 5 4 6 5 5 6 4 7 5 4 7 6

+/23 17 11 5 1 -4 4 1 0 -1 -3 -2 -5 -7 -7 -7 -7 -2 -9 -8

Pts 32 30 28 28 28 27 24 23 22 22 22 21 20 19 18 18 17 17 17 17 16 15 15 13

EUROPEAN LEAGUES

FOCUS ON... SERIE A WE’VE not heard much from BBM’s favourite barmy bastard Rafa Benitez for a while, so we ﬁgured we’d drop in on Serie A and have a look-see for ourselves. Oh dear. In a somewhat predictable state of affairs, Rafa is struggling to ﬁll the shoes of his treble-winning predecessor Jose Mourinho. We suspect it’s not so much the burden of expectation that’s seen Rafa’s side slip six points off the pace – more the fact that he’s a shit manager who somehow spawns his way from one lucrative job to the next.

A couple of weeks ago, defending champions Inter weren’t doing too badly – a few too many draws maybe but otherwise well-placed. Then they lost to Spurs. And now they’ve lost to AC Milan. At home. In fact, they’ve only won ﬁve of their 12 games in Serie A so far. Hardly the form of all-conquering European champions eh? “I feel the conﬁdence of the president,” Benitez told Gazzetta dello Sport, which we’re hoping isn’t some kind of euphemism.

SPAIN

ITALY Team AC Milan Lazio Napoli Juventus Internazionale AS Roma Palermo Udinese Genoa Sampdoria Chievo Fiorentina Catania Parma Bologna Lecce Cagliari Brescia Cesena Bari

Pl 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12

W 8 8 6 5 5 5 5 5 5 3 4 4 3 3 3 3 2 3 3 2

D 2 1 3 5 5 4 2 2 2 7 4 3 5 5 5 3 5 2 2 3

L 2 3 3 2 2 3 5 5 5 2 4 5 4 4 4 6 5 7 7 7

+/10 6 5 10 6 0 3 1 -1 2 1 0 -1 -2 -4 -14 0 -5 -7 -10

Pts 26 25 21 20 20 19 17 17 17 16 16 15 14 14 14 12 11 11 11 9

Team Real Madrid FC Barcelona Villarreal CF Valencia CF Sevilla FC RCD Espanyol Atlético Madrid Athletic Bilbao Real Sociedad RCD Mallorca Getafe CF Osasuna Hércules CF Racing Santander Deportivo La Coruña Málaga CF Sporting Gijón UD Almería Levante UD Real Zaragoza

Pl 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11 11

W 9 9 7 6 6 6 5 5 5 4 4 3 3 3 2 3 2 1 2 1

D 2 1 2 2 2 1 2 1 1 3 1 3 3 2 5 1 4 6 2 4

Pts 29 28 23 20 20 19 17 16 16 15 13 12 12 11 11 10 10 9 8 7

SCOTTISH PREMIER Team Rangers Celtic Heart of Midlothian Motherwell Inv Cali Thistle Dundee United Kilmarnock Hibernian St. Mirren St. Johnstone Aberdeen Hamilton Academical

Pl 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13

W 11 11 7 7 6 5 5 4 3 3 3 2

D 1 0 2 1 3 3 2 2 2 2 1 3

L 1 2 4 5 4 5 6 7 8 8 9 8

+/18 23 7 6 6 -5 5 -6 -12 -13 -13 -16

Pts 34 33 23 22 21 18 17 14 11 11 10 9

BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

FOOTBALL RESULTS Thursday, 18 November The FA Cup Ebbsfleet United 2-3 AFC Wimbledon (AET) International Match Colombia 1-1 Peru Ecuador 4-1 Venezuela Jamaica 0-0 Costa Rica Panama 2-0 Honduras Wednesday, 17 November European Championship Qualifying Croatia 3-0 Malta Finland 8-0 San Marino The FA Cup Luton 4-2 Corby York 3-0 Rotherham International Match Albania 0-0 FYR Macedonia Argentina 1-0 Brazil Austria 1-2 Greece Bulgaria 0-1 Serbia Chile 2-0 Uruguay China PR 1-0 Latvia Denmark 0-0 Czech Republic Egypt 3-0 Australia England 1-2 France Estonia 1-1 Liechtenstein Hong Kong 0-7 Paraguay Hungary 2-0 Lithuania Israel 3-2 Iceland Luxembourg 0-0 Algeria Montenegro 2-0 Azerbaijan Netherlands 1-0 Turkey Northern Ireland 1-1 Morocco Oman 0-4 Belarus Poland 3-1 Ivory Coast Portugal 4-0 Spain Rep of Ireland 1-2 Norway Romania 1-1 Italy Russia 0-2 Belgium Slovakia 2-3 Bosnia-Hercegovina Slovenia 1-2 Georgia South Africa 0-1 USA Sweden 0-0 Germany Switzerland 2-2 Ukraine Tuesday, 16 November The FA Cup Aldershot 1-0 Brentford Charlton 1-0 Barnet Huddersfield 2-1 Cambridge Utd Leyton Orient 3-2 Dag & Red MK Dons 1-1 Stevenage (Stevenage win 7-6 on pens) Peterborough 4-1 Stockport | Report Port Vale 4-0 Dartford | Report Southend 2-2 Macclesfield (Maccs win 5-3 on pens) Vauxhall Motors 0-1 Hartlepool Walsall 2-0 Fleetwood Town Woking 2-2 Brighton (Brighton win 3-0 on pens) Blue Square North AFC Telford 1-0 Workington Eastwood Town 2-0 Gainsborough Stalybridge 4-0 Droylsden Blue Square South Thurrock 2-1 Staines Town Weston-S-Mare 3-1 Maidenhead Utd International Match Jordan 0-0 Cyprus Scotland 3-0 Faroe Islands Monday, 15 November Blue Square South Havant and W 2-0 Basingstoke Sunday, 14 November Barclays Premier League Chelsea 0-3 Sunderland Everton 1-2 Arsenal Npower Championship Swansea 1-0 Middlesbrough Clydesdale Bank Premier League St Mirren 0-1 Celtic Blue Square Premier York 1-1 Wrexham Saturday, 13 November Barclays Premier League Aston Villa 2-2 Man Utd Man City 0-0 Birmingham Newcastle 0-0 Fulham Stoke 2-0 Liverpool Tottenham 4-2 Blackburn West Ham 0-0 Blackpool Wigan 1-0 West Brom Wolverhampton 2-3 Bolton Npower Championship Burnley 3-2 Watford

BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

Crystal Palace 2-0 Coventry Ipswich 1-3 Barnsley Leeds United 3-1 Bristol City Leicester 2-0 Derby Millwall 0-1 Sheff Utd Nott’m Forest 0-0 QPR Portsmouth 2-3 Doncaster Reading 3-3 Norwich Scunthorpe 2-4 Cardiff Npower League One Bournemouth 3-0 Walsall Brentford 0-2 MK Dons Bristol Rovers 0-3 Leyton Orient Carlisle 3-2 Southampton Exeter 3-1 Notts County Hartlepool 3-1 Brighton Oldham 1-0 Huddersfield Peterborough 1-5 Charlton Sheff Wed 2-0 Rochdale Swindon 2-1 Colchester Tranmere 1-0 Plymouth Yeovil 1-3 Dag & Red Npower League Two Bury 0-1 Stockport Chesterfield 1-2 Burton Albion Gillingham 1-3 Crewe Hereford 1-1 Cheltenham Macclesfield 2-0 Aldershot Morecambe 1-2 Lincoln City Northampton 0-0 Port Vale Rotherham 2-1 Oxford Utd Southend 1-1 Accrington Stanley Stevenage 1-1 Shrewsbury Torquay 1-1 Barnet Wycombe 1-0 Bradford Clydesdale Bank Premier League Dundee Utd 1-1 Kilmarnock Hamilton 1-3 Inverness CT Hibernian 2-1 Motherwell Rangers 2-0 Aberdeen St Johnstone 0-2 Hearts Blue Square Premier Altrincham 0-1 Luton Barrow 2-0 AFC Wimbledon Darlington 1-1 Crawley Town Eastbourne Boro 0-0 Newport County Fleetwood Town 1-1 Rushden & D’mnds Forest Green 2-1 Mansfield Hayes & Yeading 0-3 Grimsby Histon 0-1 Kidderminster Kettering 2-2 Cambridge Utd Southport 2-3 Bath City Tamworth 1-1 Gateshead Scottish Football League First Division Dunfermline 2-2 Raith Rovers Partick Thistle 0-0 Morton Queen of South 3-0 Cowdenbeath Ross County 0-3 Dundee Stirling 0-5 Falkirk Scottish Football League Second Division Airdrie Utd 0-1 Livingston Alloa 1-0 Stenhousemuir Brechin 0-0 Forfar Dumbarton 3-2 Ayr Peterhead 2-2 East Fife Scottish Football League Third Division Arbroath 4-0 Montrose Berwick 2-1 Clyde East Stirling 0-2 Elgin Queen’s Park 0-1 Albion Stranraer 2-2 Annan Athletic Blue Square North Alfreton Town 6-0 Harrogate Town Corby 1-0 Workington Droylsden 4-0 Boston Utd Gloucester 1-2 Blyth Spartans Guiseley 3-1 Stalybridge Hyde 1-1 Gainsborough Nuneaton 2-1 Eastwood Town Redditch 2-2 Vauxhall Motors Solihull Moors 2-0 Worcester Stafford Rangers 1-3 Hinckley Utd Blue Square South Basingstoke 0-1 Bishop’s Stortford Boreham Wood 2-3 Dover Braintree Town 0-2 Bromley Dartford 0-4 Dorchester Eastleigh 1-4 Staines Town Farnborough 2-0 Hampton & Richmond Lewes 3-1 St Albans Maidenhead Utd 1-1 Ebbsfleet United Welling 0-2 Havant and W Weston-S-Mare 2-1 Thurrock Woking 2-2 Chelmsford Scot-Ads Highland Football League Cove Rangers 2-3 Buckie Thistle Forres Mechanics 7-1 Fraserburgh

FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS! CHECK out BBM’s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.premierleague.com for all the latest results and standings. Table below was up to date at time of going to press.

Prizes (in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $400 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100

TEAM

MANAGER

TOT

every week you

dan magee

733

Dizzying Heights FC

Siva Iyer

710

alovelycupoftea

James Horrocks

697

Mukin Fagic

Luke Gately

686

Alcohol Fc

Ron f

686

Evertonian

John Armitage

681

Rootin & Tootin

Oisin Coveney

663

Stop, Hammertime!

Paul Steadman

657

Multiple Scorgasms

Jonny Tuck

647

Juggernauts

Gaurav Rana

645

Ozzies Allstars ***

James Osborne

643

Holy-family ‘B’ team

Pat Mustard

630

Your Ma’s Athletic

brian o gorman

628

Tallulah

Neil Weaver

624

Red Incas

Mark Stansﬁeld

622

Arsenal

Brian Harvey

621

KOP THAT

Tony Hagan

619

bobby dazzlerz

tom mcelwain

617

Hardly Athletic

Grant Haworth

614

TippytappyFC

Richie Egan

607

New Entry

Ranking Increased

Ranking stayed the same

Ranking Fell

ASHES FEATURE ENGLAND LEGENDS

SINCE Flintoff retired, we’re a bit a thin on the ground for Ashes heroes these days. So where’s England’s next one going to come from? In the “maybe” pile, Greame Swann probably tops the list. He’s not just a great spinner, he’s got that cocky, in-your-face swagger that all truly great Ashes players have. Kevin Pietersen has the personality as well – but just needs to pull his ﬁnger out in terms of form – while Stuart Broad, James Anderson and Steve Finn are all “potentials” as well. Fingers-crossed we’ll have a new champion to cheer by the time the series hits Sydney in January. In the meantime, here’s BBM’s top ﬁve England Ashes legends...

#5 ANDREW FLINTOFF BAT: 31.69 BOWL: 32.07

TEST DATES 25–29 November (Brisbane, The Gabba) 3–7 December (Adelaide, Adelaide Oval) 16–20 December (Perth, WACA Ground) 26–30 December (Melbourne, Melbourne Cricket Ground) 3–7 January (Sydney, Sydney Cricket Ground)

The image of “Freddie” still pissed out of his face the morning after England’s Ashes triumph in 2005 is one that will remain with BBM until our alcohol-addled brain finally succumbs to Alzheimers. Scored a century during England’s crucial win at Trent Bridge and took five wickets on the fourth day of the final test match to help England secure a draw and regain the Ashes.

#4 HAROLD LARWOOD BAT: 19.40 BOWL: 28.35

#3 JIM LAKER

If Douglas Jardine was the brains behind the infamous bodyline series, then Larwood was its enforcer. The Nottinghamshire fast bowler remains one of the most controversial players in Ashes history after taking 33 wickets in 1932-33 with the Aussies unable to handle his short and fast (some would add d dangerous) deliveries. Despite being heralded as a hero for his performance he was later viliﬁed by the cricketing hierarchy and never played a Test again.

#2 DOUGLAS JARDINE BAT: 48.00 BOWL: N/A

Still considered a pantostyle baddy by the Aussies as the mastermind behind the controversial “bodyline” tactics developed during the 1932-33 series to contain Don Bradman. What pisses off Aussies even more is the fact that it worked and England went on to win 4-1. Hurrah! Jardine was also known for his hatred of Australians and Australian culture. What’s not to love?

BAT: 14.08 BOWL: 21.24

After struggling to cement his place in the England squad, Laker produced a bowling performance in the 1956 Old Trafford test that is unlikely to ever be repeated. Laker took 19-90 in the match, including skittling the entire Aussie team in the second innings. A legend was born.

#1 IAN BOTHAM BAT: 33.54 BOWL: 28.40

He may come across as a bit of a knobhead off the crease, but he’s our knobhead. Not just a hero of 1981 - Beefy is the greatest Ashes cricketer ever. A swashbuckling batsman, ﬁery bowler, safe slip catcher and vicious party animal, Botham was a true star. In 1981 Botham - with the help of Bob Willis - won the third Test at Headingley for England from an impossible position, with the bookies giving England odds of 500-1 before Botham took to the wicket.

BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ASHES NEWS PREPARING TO FAIL OH the hilarity! The Ashes ﬁnally kicks off ff this week and just when we thought the e Aussie preparation couldn’t get any worse, they went and d stepped it up a notch.. Last Wednesday, all nine of the Australian team’s potential starting batsman were in action in one way or another – either in the domestic game against local opposition or playing England in the Australia A team. Over the course of the day, they made a combined total of 120. Arf! That’s a combined total of nine batsmen – no bowlers – and they still made a shit total. Admittedly, Simon Katich (above) had to come off on one run after hurting his shoulder, and the injured Michael Clarke

didn’t play but you’d think at least one of their stars would have made a decent total. Only Steve Smith, who is possibly further down the batting pecking order b than anyone else and t incredibly unlikely to face England next Thursday, was the only Th one to come away with w any respect after tonking England for 59. Apart from that, Michael Hussey, Ricky Ponting, Callum Fergsuon, Marcus North etc, etc all failed to make it past 20. England weren’t doing particularly well either in the ﬁnal preparation game, to be fair, at the time of going to press, but we don’t really have any pressure on us and the match was heavily rain effected. It’s all good fun whatever way you look at it.

PUNTER GETS BEEFED UP WE all know Ricky Ponting’s a shit captain, but who else have the Australians got who’s ho’s better? Nobody, that’s who. That seems to be the (supposedly) sympathetic argument of England legend Ian Botham who gave under-ﬂak Ponting (right) a big thumbs s up this week. “I’m amazed at the e stick Ricky Ponting’s ’s getting because ‘Punter’ is one of the he all-time greats and his record stands

out,” said Botham, carefully avoiding any reference to how good ‘Punter’ is as a captain. “He’s been a magniﬁcent player for many years … it st stands up against any A Australian’s record in modern times. He’s up there with [Allan] B Border, which is a big rap.” Quite right Ian. As England fans, we can’t think of anyone we’d rather have as Ashes two-time losers Ponting as captain.

If you’re in Brisbane this week for the Ashes but can’t find anything to do then have a look at our Ashes pages online. You can find out information on where to watch the Ashes games live if you didn’t manage to get a ticket and take a look at our five must-do things while your visiting in Queensland. http://www.bbmlive.com/The-Ashes/

ENGLAND COOK UP A STORM THE Aussies were really desperate for Alastair Cook to fuck up. They’re still too scared of what Kevin Pietersen can do to wind him up, but Cook was the only other England player with potential question marks over his head heading into this series. Well last week he spanked 111 not out against South Australia in England’s penultimate preparation match. “I’d never been under the pressure I was last summer because I’d never had a trough like that,” said the Essex left-hander. But when you have a top score of 20-odd in four Test matches, you certainly do feel under pressure. Knowing I can play like that with my back against the wall has given me a lot of conﬁdence.” This preparation lark just keeps getting better and better.

FLETCH LIVES! EVEN slightly sour-graped former England coach Duncan Fletcher has been bigging up England’s chances, saying their biggest danger isn’t – surprisingly – the fearsome bowling of Nathan Hauritz, it’s complacency. Fletcher believes England have never had better preparation for an Ashes series, claiming that in 2002-03, Darren Gough, Steve Harmison and Andrew Flintoff were all struggling. And in 2006-07, we had injuries to Michael Vaughan, Ashley Giles and Marcus Trescothick. “Not this time,” said Fletcher. “The team has had a chance to settle down and play well in their two warm-up matches. Compare that with Australia’s build-up. On the two Ashes tours I managed, the Australian pundits used to accuse us of using injuries as excuses. Now all the noise about ﬁtness is coming from their side.”

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FOOTBALL

VIEW: WITH LORNA EVIO

THE CHICKEN DANCE WAS THE HIGHLIGHT Then again, being in the Southern hemisphere, half of it has to go on cans ns of Red Bull given what time you have to get up to watch the games – although h BBM would not encourage drinking alcohol in the morning because, frankly, y, you’re only a small step away from being ng classed as an alcoholic. It’s different iff you’re staying up though, of course.

They were totally outclassed by Sunderland who defended well and did not give Chelsea many chances.

Admittedly, a beer would have been nice during the Chelsea and Sunderland d clash since drinking Red Bull meant BBM was wide awake for the many taunts from Chelsea haters i.e. everyone we know.

And who does not want to see that celebratory dance by Asamoah Gyan? Even Bolo Zenden got into it, though he looked more like a chicken. At the rate Gyan is scoring, though, at least Zenden will get more opportunities to practice.

Indeed, after the third goal, BBM could not watch anymore. It wasn’t the scoreline that put us off though, it was the message from a Gooner fan saying “I am loving every minute of this”. We had to draw the line somewhere.

Can’t the reason they lost be they just played like crap?

BOSS HE

& PRIZES!!

BBM AND TRIBAL TRAVEL PRESENT BONDI’S PREMIUM INTERNATIONAL NIGHT

TOSS T

But, when Chelsea suffer a humiliating loss the list of injuries immediately comes rolling out and the assistant coach, who was ﬁred during the week, is suddenly made out to be some sort of lost managerial messiah.

The odds were 250-1 for Sunderland to beat Chelsea 3-0. Imagine how many y beers your $1 could have bought for that. at.

FOR years football analysts have used Chelsea as an example of a team that do not rely on one or two players. The point to the fact they have injuries and still manage to win games. Winning ugly, they call it.

/DGLHV QLJKW

RUSSIAN

RoULEtTE DW :KLWH 5HYROYHU WHERE ALL THE ODDS ARE IN YOUR FAVOUR Every Thursday night, free entry, low drink prices, dance club 10pm-11pm Ladies hour & Toss the boss with Tribal Travel prizes! 10pm-midnight $5 house spirits and bottle beer. Dance ﬂoor 10pm-2am // party dance mash up // Every Thursday // Try your luck White Revolver Cnr of Curlewis & Campbell Parade, Bondi (Bus 333/380 to Bondi Beach) 76

BBM-583 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

PERENNIAL Premier League also-rans Everton have been given the go ahead for a £9m expansion of Goodison Park’s facilities, including a 900 sq m shop, museum, cafe, hospitality lounge and beneﬁts ofﬁce (possibly).

Italians during the game. And by right wing Italians we don’t mean Attilio Lombardo.

MEANWHILE, just across the road on Merseyside, local laughing boys Liverpool are mightily pissed off with Fabio Capello after Steeeeeevie Gerrard crocked himself playing for England. Roy of the Rovers could be out for up to four weeks with a hamstring injury.

MATE’S-BIRD shagging Neanderthal, John Terry, has ﬂown to Italy to see a specialist about his mystery leg injury, which could keep him out for months.

AND just in case you missed the news, an England side containing the mercurial talents of Jay Bothroyd and Jordan Henderson somehow managed to lose 2-1 to France at Wembley. Goals from Karim Benzema and Mathieu Valbuena put Les Bleus ahead and then giraffeQuasimodo hybrid Peter Crouch pulled one back

IN A role reversal of England’s fortunes, it was the fans rather than the players embrassing a nation in Italy’s 1-1 draw with Romania. Man City striker Mario Balotelli was the subject of racist abuse from around 100 exteme right-wing

FOOTBALL’S walking Timotei advert, Robert Pires, has signed for Aston Villa at 37years-old.

IN footballing terms, getting the thumbs up from the chairman is the equivalent to hearing the music from Jaws when you’re on the beach. You just know something bad’s going to happen. But we’re sure that’s not the case for Avram Grant who has just been backed at bottom of the league West Ham by vicechairman Karren Brady. Asked by BBC Radio 5 live if Grant would be boss at the end of the season, Brady dithered: “Almost deﬁnitely, yes.” Bet he feels great now.

MANCHESTER United’s tight-arse American owners and general hateﬁgures, the Glazers, plan to reduce the ﬁnancial pressure on the club by paying off high-interest loans, estimated to be worth £220m.

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE!

ALEX McLeish reckons Birmingham can beat Chelsea at the weekend. Don’t have a go, he’s only suggesting it. “Can we win a home game against Chelsea? That’s achievable,” McLeish said. “I’m not saying we will, I am saying we can.”

THOSE very naughty boys at FIFA, Amos Adamu and Reynald Temarii, have been banned from voting in the 2018 and 2022 World Cup hosting ballot following an investigation into corruption claims.

ALEX McLeish just wants you to know he wasn’t saying Birmingham will beat Chelsea, just that they can. “It is very rare to see the top teams losing three weekends in a row. But it is achievable and we can do it.”

CHAMPIONSHIPstandard club Rangers could be set for a takeover. Andrew Ellis and Craig Whyte are in talks with current incumbent Sir David Murray.

ALEX McLeish has been on to us again. He wasn’t saying the whole beating Chelsea thing was deﬁnite. “As I re-emphasise, I’m not saying we will but we can do it and we have got to believe we can do it.”

with ace pundit Chris Kamara

“SCOTTISH no-marks Airdrie United got themselves into hot water this week following their special match-day program for Remembrance Day. The club mistakenly used a picture of Nazi soldiers on the front cover coupled with the unfortunate slogan “Supporting Our Heroes”. The club has since issued a grovelling apology to fans, claiming they thought the soldiers were Australian troops, when they were infact German. Unbelievable Jeff!” More pencil-moustached punditry and footballing facts next week folks! 78

QUOTES OF THE WEEK “WE don’t talk. We played one year at Arsenal without talking.” Samir Nasri looks forward to catching up with BFF William Gallas in the North London derby.

“FABREGAS has apologised and Wardy has accepted it like a man. It’s like a throw-back to the days when you’ve broken someone’s nose and you buy them a pint at the bar.” Judging by the ugly bastard’s face, Mick McCarthy has been bought a lot of pints over the years.

“IT would be ﬂattery to call you fans. You’re just a bunch of dogs. You bunch of morons are the main reason why Chinese football can’t make progress. You throw in stones after a man has fallen into a well.” Shanghai Shenhua footballer Wang Dalei makes a rallying call to his club’s fans.

“YOU are talking out of your hat. I would like to say out of your ass, but that’s a donkey and I don’t like having a go at donkeys. If some bright spark from the Premier League, or Barclays Premier League as we’re supposed to call it, wants to come down and have a chat and a cup of coffee...you’ll probably get it chucked in your lap.” Ian Holloway still won’t let the whole ‘weakened side’ issue rest.

“FOR ME, Robert Pires was, before his injury, the best left sided player in the world. With us, he used to literally ﬂy.” Arsene Wenger gets a touch of the Jamie Redknapps and literally talks out of his arse.

And understatement of the week goes to... Carlo Ancelotti following Chelsea’s 3-0 battering at the hands of Sunderland. “It was a surprise, strange result,” he said.

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FOOTBALL

FEATURE

ENGLAND EXPECTS WITH journalists now unfathomably allowed to attach the preﬁx “England’s” every time they mention Kevin Davies while Jay ‘who?’ Bothroyd became the ﬁrst Championship player to get a call-up since David Nugent in 2007 this week, it brought back to BBM’s mind one of the darkest days in England’s recent history (and there are quite a few to choose from).

generation of England fan, we all believed we had a squad of world beaters capable of destroying any team put in front of them. Who needs Bagio and Klinsmann when i h? you’ve got Andy Si Sinton right?

We’re talking of Graham Taylor’s reign as England boss from 1990-1993 when “The Turnip” dished out international caps to pretty much anyone who said they fancied a game that weekend.

Well in BBM’s dotage we’re beginning to think maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t all Turniphead’s fault. Maybe he failed because he didn’t exactly have the best squad to choose from. After all, only a truly desperate man would give a cap to Geoff Thomas.

Of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing. At the time, as is the case with every

What’s our point you ask? Well call us controversial, but it seems to us that Fabio

Crapello (as he’ll almost certainly be remembered if we fail again at E Euro 2012) is facing a similar problem – that after you scratch the shiny su surface of England’s ﬁrst XI there’s a layer of dogshit underneath, which is BBM’s beautiful way of suggesting that England just don’t have the depth to be classed as “genuine” contenders for a major trophy. And that’s not the fault of Fabio, it’s those utter arseholes at the FA who have done precisely sod all to develop and nurture young English talent in the intervening 20 years. Well done fellas. Now fuck off and die.

TOP FIVE WORST ENGLAND PLAYERS OF ALL TIME... STEVE GUPPY

MICHAEL RICKETTS Big things were expected of Michael Ricketts when he scored 15 Premier League goals in 2002, and was rewarded with an England cap against Holland. So where is he now? At 31-years-old, he’s just been released by Tranmere. Well done Michael.

Back in the early days of fantasy football, Guppy got a shed-load of assists for Leicester in 1999. At the same time, England had a real problem on the left wing. Guppy wasn’t the answer. Ever.

SETH JOHNSON One start against Italy in 2000 was enough to leave many an Englishman scratching their heads. Even more Leeds fans were left scratching theirs when they paid $7million to buy him from Derby the following season.

JOHN FASHANU Fash the Bash managed to nab himself two caps in a handful of days after several Arsenal and Liverpool play ers were absent due to a rescheduled league decider. Shortly afterward s, the FA introduced a new law bann ing anyone who’d used the phrase “awooga” from the England team .

CARLTON PALMER This talentless twat won a staggering 18 caps under Graham Taylor’s reign – including all 10 of the qualifying games for England’s failed USA 94 campaign. Remarkable.

WEEKEND FIXTURES Saturday 20th November Barclays Premier League Arsenal v Tottenham Birmingham v Chelsea Blackpool v Wolves Bolton v Newcastle Liverpool v West Ham Man Utd v Wigan Athletic West Brom v Stoke City npower Championship Barnsley v Portsmouth Bristol City v Leicester Cardiff City v Nottm Forest Coventry v Burnley Derby v Scunthorpe Doncaster v Swansea City Hull City v Ipswich Middlesbrough v Millwall Norwich v Leeds Utd QPR v Preston NE Sheff Utd v C.Palace Watford v Reading npower League 1 Brighton v Bristol Rovers Charlton v Yeovil Colchester v Hartlepool Dag & Red v Oldham Huddersfield v Exeter City Leyton Orient v Bournemouth MK Dons v Sheff Weds Notts County v Tranmere Plymouth v Brentford Rochdale v Swindon Southampton v Peterborough Walsall v Carlisle Utd npower League 2 Accrington v Stevenage Aldershot v Chesterfield Barnet v Northampton Bradford v Macclesfield Cheltenham v Morecambe Crewe v Rotherham Lincoln City v Hereford Oxford United v Gillingham Port Vale v Wycombe Shrewsbury v Southend Stockport v Torquay Scottish Premier Aberdeen v St Johnstone Celtic v Dundee Utd Hearts v Hamilton Acd’ Inverness CT v Hibernian Kilmarnock v Rangers St Mirren v Motherwell

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SPORT GUIDE 80

Contents PAGE 80 Football Top Five: Worst England players PAGE 78 Football News: Everton expand PAGE 76 Football View: With Lorna Evio PAGE 74 World Sport: Faking Haye PAGE 72 Ashes News: Getting prepped

PAGE 70 Ashes Feature: England legends

PAGES 68 & 69 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables

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ALL ARTISTS APPEARING AT ALL SHOWS EXCEPT CARL COX, DJ T, TECHNASIA WILL NOT BE PLAYING ADELAIDE.