BBM Magazine Issue 203 by bbmlive.com

APRIL 15TH

(UK)

Reload : Gee Fluxz : MC D-Tech A-Tonez : Cyberman $15 before 11pm & $20 after

APRIL 16TH

MICHAEL WOODS

(UK)

WWW.MICHAELWOODS.CO.UK WWW.MYSPACE.COM/MICHAELWOODSRECORDS

BANG GANG DEEJAYS : DR DON DON JOHN GLOVER : SPENDA C : MATTTT SCOTT WRIGHT : NAIKI : MARKY MARK BOUNCE CREW DJS HOSTED BY MC ADAM ZAE $15 BEFORE 10PM & $25 AFTER

CONTENTS ISSUE 603

The Cover

Review

KATIE’S HAIR RAGE - 6 BBM always wondered if the carpet matched the drapes. Now Jordan’s bald, we think we’ve got our answer.

SUCKER PUNCH - 18 It’s like Inception, but with schoolgirls instead of Leonardo DiCaprio. Sounds like a decent trade to us.

Regulars

Interview

Sport

HUGH CORNWELL - 14 BBM catches up with the ex-Stranglers vocalist and guitarist to discuss his upcoming Australian tour.

ROOD BOX - 80 Inspired by Wayne Rooney’s four-letter TV tirade, we’ve picked out f ve of our favourite rude rants from the football world.

6 12 16 18 20 22 28 30 34 36 42 44 56 58 62 66 68 70 72 82

| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |

GOSSIP INTERVIEWS WRAP REVIEWS SOAPS UK NEWS IRISH NEWS WORLD NEWS SYDNEY MELBOURNE PERTH QUEENSLAND RECRUITMENT CLASSIFIEDS HOSTEL LISTINGS CRYSTAL BALLS ASK CRYSTAL JOKES SCOREBOARD SPORT

BBM MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon

john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Ben Harlum

ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby

richard.gadsby@what-media.com

UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir

hannah.shakir@what-media.com

CONTRIBUTORS Jeremy Williams, David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Alexandra McIntyre, Ashley Moore, David Drummond, Sian Gammie, Eleni Pitman, Robin Lewis, Sabina Campbell, James Stapleton and Renee Van Kraanen Photography INTERNS Jaymes Peckham and Allyson Taubenheim HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard

design@what-media.com

WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber

6 PO Box 784 Queen Victoria Building NSW 1230

ADVERTISING AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Mary Atkin ADVERTISING Joe Smith

joe.smith@what-media.com

Donna Parry Dave Hudson ADVERTISING & PROMOTIONS MANAGER Tom Shakir

P: (02) 8231 7700 F: (02) 9299 4966

TWITTER: @bbmmagazine

W: www.bbmlive.com E: info@what-media.com

FACEBOOK: /bbmmagazine

ADVERTISING: tom.shakir@what-media.com

SUBSCRIPTIONS: isubscribe.com.au

SALES AND MARKETING DIRECTOR Guchi Shakir PRINTED BY Spotpress

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

MAY 2011

TUE 24 THU 26 FRI 27 SUN 29 TUE 31

METROPOLIS FREMANTLE 18+ 18 HQ ADELAIDE 18 PALACE THEATRE MELBOURNE 18 ENMORE THEATRE SYDNEY LIC AA THE TIVOLI BRISBANE 18

TICKETS ON SALE NOW FROM THE USUAL OUTLETS

GOSSIP KATIE’S BALD CLAIMS

MARIAH Carey has taken a page out of Demi Moore’s book, posing naked on the cover of Life & Style while pregnant.

SHOCK HORROR, apparently spending £50,000 on hair treatments over the past year will send you bald. Surely the sexually transmitted diseases Katie Price has collected over the past twenty-odd years haven’t helped.

Next she’ll on the hunt for a heartthrob husband f fteen years her junior. Watch out, Robert Pattinson.

The News of the World have reported (so you know it’s true) that Jordan (pictured) has been telling friends that “It’s awful, my hair is my life – without it I feel disgusting.”

Now, BBM have seen some disgusting things in our life. The Human Centipede, 2Girls1Cup, Living with... Jade Goody, but this one could take the cake.

Don’t worry, love. With your hair, you’re still disgusting. While she has avoided the cameras as of late, her publicist couldn’t help but keep Katie in the news, telling the paper that, “Katie has lost some hair after and unfortunate situation with a hairdresser in the States.” Clearly she wasn’t told of the risks involved when you’re sleeping with your hairdresser. While he cuts your hair.

CHUBBY midget Elton John decided to swap singing for a spot of stand up when he appeared on Saturday Night Live over the weekend, loaded with a string of jokes about the trials and tribulations of gay parenting and being Elton John. Hey, that’s our gimmick!

“My ultimate goal was to share this incredibly personal moment with my true fans,” Mariah said as she rolled around in the money she was paid for the photoshoot. She told the magazine that her kids are already taking after their mum. What, have they demanded two dozen white roses and a $200 bottle of champagne in their dressing room?

“So far the baby really takes after me. He screams and cries when he doesn’t get his way, and he’s had some feeding diff culties - he is rejecting the breast.” He also conf rmed that Lady Gaga is the godmother of the child but, to BBM’s disappointment, didn’t answer the question; did the baby come from Gaga’s Grammy egg? We can’t wait to watch baby Zachary grow into the gayest kid to grace this, or Gaga’s native, planet.

WHAT THE HOFF? DAVID Hasselhoff, the crazy old bastard, really never ceases to amaze us. One minute he’s lying on the f oor drunk, eating hamburgers (or as BBM calls it, our lunch break), and the next he’s putting his dirty little Hoff inside a Welsh bird half his age (top right).

APPARENTLY,Robbie Williams enjoys the people he mixes with in LA compared with folk back home. It helps that absolutely nobody in America knows who Robbie is, of course. “I live in LA and everything is very positive. People say ‘Thank you, have a nice day’ and all that sort of business. It can be shallow but I like it,” Robbie said as he sold copies of his Greatest Hits for $2 in Hollywood.

He’s been seeing the Welsh factory worker / model (clearly she’s a successful model) for three months after meeting her in Cardiff for Britain’s Got Talent. This comes hot on the heels of his divorce to the far better-looking (and general MILF) Pamela Bach.

“But you come to England, you get off the plane and you say, ‘Have a nice day’ and they go, ‘It’s probably not gonna be. I’m gonna see something awful today’.”

The model’s mother has said that having the Hoff over for dinner was a “really surreal experience.”

Like the videoclip for Rudebox, for example?

Five dollars says the mother used to ‘hassle the Hoff’ back in the 1990’s.

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

GOSSIP SHUT YOUR HOLE COURTNEY Love, what can we say? You are simply just insane. The former Hole singer, who seemingly doesn’t have a career anymore, has decided to get some attention by releasing a rant about Kelly Osborne and her drug problem. Apparently, Love (pictured) claims she’s saved Kelly’s life twice when she’s been off her tits, and Love also says that she is completely sober. (Sure). Her rants included the following gem, “I don’t like being the punchline for drugs when I don’t do them, so stop it.” She added: “I’ve saved her life twice. I’ve done CPR, I’ve put things in her boobs. [She was on] Oxycontin, cocaine, foaming at the mouth.” Sorry what? Putting things in her boobs? Do go on, we’ll get the tissues…

MILEY Cyrus is said to be disgusted by the blow up doll being sold by Pipedream Productions, which has been made in her likeness. Guess what? Paedo Pete’s worldwide have ensured that the doll (pictured) has sold out after a mere 48 hours. BBM hears whispers that our boss is getting us one for Easter.

SIMON Cowell has told his old mate Piers Morgan on CNN that he once turned down an offer to judge another man’s sexual performance. “He offered me $150k to criticise him bonking his wife,” Cowell claimed. Piers apologised for the offer but added that it kicked off a fruitful friendship between the two. According to Cowell, it’s not the only raunchy role he’s turned down in his time, having been invited to become spokesperson for Viagra. “The best form of Viagra is being on TV, suddenly you become more attractive and girls will like you more. I like it - it kind of makes it easier.” At least he’s bloody honest. Who could put up with all that chest hair if he wasn’t on the telly?

Apparently the Disney star is seeking legal advice, as soon as she f nishes her latest bong hit. Really, she should be f attered she even has a fanbase now she’s turned eighteen. We would’ve thought the creeps would be on the case of the fourteen-year-old from True Grit by now.

IT ALWAYS ENDS IN SPEARS AS if news of a Miley Cyrus blow-up doll and raunchy sexacts between Courtney Love and Kelly Osbourne wasn’t enough to improve our weekend, apparently the original jailbait popstar, Britney Spears, is keen to spill the beans about her sex life. The singer “had notes about her life, on Justin Timberlake, sexually acting out and wanting to escape her parents’ control”, claims celebrity writer Neil Strauss. However, her people took away her mobile phone, “they just wanted to control her,” he added. BBM guesses nobody will know whether the carpet matched the drapes during Britney’s crazy-bald phase. Shame. The singer recently admitted she doesn’t have a phone, describing herself as a “prisoner” who’d feel liberated “If I wasn’t under the restraints I’m under.”

3D porn f lm Sex And Zen: Extreme Ecstasy is about to open in Hong Kong and has already sold thousands of tickets, with people preparing to travel from mainland China to see it. We’ll wait for James Cameron’s remake, thanks. The f lm’s writer and producer, Stephen Shiu, said that those who watch it will “feel like they are sitting right there at the edge of the bed,” as he f nished jacking off with the script. Set in the court of the Ming dynasty, the £2m Cantonese language f lm is based on the classic Chinese erotic text The Carnal Prayer Mat. Quite frankly, we’re surprised they didn’t make a The Anal Prayer Mat parody.

Britney’s spokesman called Strauss’s claims ‘absolute rubbish’ last night, as he frantically burned assorted notes.

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

GOSSIP

BIG BRO’S BACK FROM THE DEAD

IN a story we’re only printing in order to use photos of Davina McCall (what can we say, she’s a MILF), it looks like Big Brother will be making its big return on Channel Five in August. We’re waiting for the call to greenlight our proposed spinoff, Big Brother’s British Balls. Our lines are open, Richard Desmond. Forgetting the terror Australia faced when their Big Brother host was changed, Davina

IN important news to red-blooded (and age-appropriate) men around the world, apparently Selena Gomez is a newly single lady. No, that is no reason to turn Beyonce on.

is apparently set to be replaced by a list of less-rootable options; namely Brian Dowling. Producers are offering big bucks to lure Charlie Sheen and Peaches Geldof for a celebrity season but, in true Big Brother style, celebrity housemates will end up including yet another obscure Jackson sibling and Jedward.

BBM doesn’t know where Jodie Foster has been hiding these last couple of years, but we’re sure it’s been alongside Meg Ryan and Michelle Pfeiffer.

“He’s a really loyal and trustworthy person, just a really good friend, and not full of shit. You’d be hard pressed to f nd anyone in Hollywood who doesn’t like Mel.”

The Silence of the Lambs star has clearly missed the Mel Gibson memo, describing him as “one of the most popular people in Hollywood.”

Sure, just ask Oksana Grigorieva. BBM is sure she has rave reviews about their relationship.

Before you scoff at us, Selena is eighteen and we’re sure is keen to date a man after hooking up with Justin Bieber. Apparently Selena busted Justin texting his old girlfriend Jasmine Villegas, and has decided to ‘cool’ the relationship off. Could be worse, she almost asked Biebs to ‘chillax’. “She confronted Justin and at f rst he denied it but then came clean. She told him their romance was over, but she was willing to stay friends. Although Selena has bounced Bieber, she’s left the door open for reconciliation,” a source told BBM as he went through Bieber’s garbage.

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ANZAC DAY

BEER GARDEN 2 UP, BBQ, $5 BLACK & TANS, LANEWAY CRICKET....

12pm - 12am w w w.t h e n or fol k.c o

DRINK D INE F u n ct io n s & E n q u i rie s: i n fo @t h e n or fol k.c o P h: +61 2 9699 3177 305 Cleveland St, Surry Hills

INTERVIEWS SIMON PATTERSON “I am back in the UK till this weekend when I go to Seattle. I am lugging about a little actually. I have been in Europe over the past couple of weeks so jetlag hasn’t been too bad. I am feeling pretty fresh, which is pretty good for once.” Having started out as an A&R man, the Belfast born London based DJ has spent the past few years building a following on the circuit. With Mixmag labeling Patterson as one to watch back in 2004, Patterson is insistent that his ride has been far from an easy one. While working for Judge Jules, Patterson would repeatedly ask for his chance in the spotlight, only to be denied. Having proven that he was more than capable of handling himself, Patterson insists to Jeremy Williams that “some of the most talented people don’t get the breaks as they don’t have the determination.”

GINA YASHERE Gina Yashere’s got her f ngers in a lot of pies. A sold-out UK Tour, acting gigs in LA, a regular slot on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and a new Sydney show. And she still f nds the time for a regular colonic irrigation. SIAN GAMMIE had a chat to Gina on the eve of her new show. So what’s the go for your Sydney show? Sorry, what’s that mean? [laughs] What’s it about? Right, well it’s just me talking shit for an hour. Have you always done a lot of crowd improv stuff? Yeah always. It makes it a bit more interesting for me and for you guys. It shows I’m not just coming out and doing old stuff. I never do the

With his schedule for the next few months seeing him cross several continents, he admits “I f nd it the hardest part of the job. It is gruelling. Sometimes I shout at my manager for the dire planning he sends me. But you just have to deal with it as best you can. If I could learn to sleep on planes then it would help me a lot. For some reason, I just can’t switch off and sleep. It is really uncomfortable.” “The turning up to a gig with no sleep and in a completely different time zone is just really hard sometimes. You have to put on a show as well, so it is diff cult to stay on top of. But it is the job, so you just have to get used to it.” Simon plays Creamf elds nationwide between April 22 and May 1. For your chance to win tickets, turn to page 16.

same show twice. Why have you shifted from the UK to LA? Because it’s sunny! I’m from England, man, so I wanted somewhere I can do my comedy in the sun. Also there’s movies and television so it’s a great place for your career anyway. Plus they’ve got the weather. Were you sad to lose all your fat jokes when you got thin? Oh yeah, devastated. I hate being thin, it’s hard work. I hate being vegetarian. I saw you making a smoothie on YouTube. The next video is going to be of me chasing a live cow down the street with my teeth imbedded in its arse! Catch Gina’s show “I’m Going To Keep Shouting Til You Notice Me” in Sydney this week as part of Cracker Comedy Festival, then right across Australia this month. She asks if you could please bring a cockroach and throw it on stage during the gig…

SURVIVOR: REDEMPTION ISLAND

KRISTA If there ever was a def nitive reason why we interview the castaways of Survivor, just look at Krista over here. How could you say no? How did you end up on the show? I actually went to an open casting call and it was really out of the blue. I decided that I’d go to see what it was all about, ended up auditioning and made it onto the show. [laughs] At what stage did you decide to commit to Russell? It was really early on, and actually a surprise to me. Once we got to know each other, I guess we felt even more comfortable aligning with each other. Did you trust Steph as much as you did Russell? I trusted them pretty much the same amount, which was not much at all. When I met Steph, she had such

But with every job there are pros and the cons. A clearly exhausted Patterson admits that the job he so badly sought is far more toiling than he would have been able to foresee.

a strong personality that I was worried that she would do whatever it took to advance herself in the game and would look after her best interests f rst. I asked Russell whether he was sure we could trust her in our alliance and he was right in saying that she would be a strong strategic player and loyal to us. What magic spell does Matt have over everybody at Redemption Island? Everybody loves him! You just can’t help but like the guy, we had a unique bond on Redemption Island but he’s just a nice guy who is fun to be around. In a catf ght for Matt, who would win - Andrea or yourself? [laughs] Who would win? I don’t know if there would be a catf ght because it wasn’t particularly like that for Matt and I, but I can be pretty f esty if I need to be. Survivor: Redemption Island airs Tuesday nights on Go! (Channel 99). For more with Krista, as well as our interview with third-eliminated Kristina, visit bbmlive.com/survivor.html

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

INTERVIEW HUGH CORNWELL

After sixteen years wit h The Stranglers, Hugh left the band in 1990 and has release d six solo albums since. He’ s hitting Australia for a nation wide tour, and BBM’s SABINA CA MPBELL caught up with him to discuss. Do you miss perform ing with The Stranglers? I suppose now I am a benevolent dictator where as before it was all diplomacy and democr acy, which I don’t think quite wor ks in a band. I love it at the momen t because I employ people and the y do what I ask them, in that way everything is clear and there are no problems. How do you go about the creative process of ma king music? I f nd that songwriting comes very naturally to me. Mo st of the time it starts with an idea , it is very hard to write lyrics with out this pinpoint. Then I create the title and

then the rhythmic and melodic attributes f ow in afterwa rds.

What can we expect from you in the next year? I have just f nished a dem o of my new album which will be coming out in 2012 called Tot em and Taboo, however in Ma y this year my f rst novel is to be published. It follows the life of a you ng, Australian girl who is a talented portrait painter that dec ides to come to London in order to become a success. Selected Dates: 28th April: ANU Bar, Canberra 29th: The Hi-Fi, Brisban e 1st May: Coolangatta Hotel 5th: Manning Bar, Syd ney Uni 6th: Ferntree Gully Hot el 7th: The Hi-Fi, Melbou rne 8th: Charles Hotel, Per th

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

THE WRAP

WEEKEND WEEKS IN TOTAL BOX EARNINGS RELEASE OFFICE

FILM

AC Slater has come a long way from using his dad’s music collection to make mixtapes on a TDK in the 90’s. April 29th: Roxanne Parlour, Melbourne May 5th: Apple Bar, Adelaide May 7th: Chinese Laundry, Sydney May 13th: Villa, Perth May 19th: Onef veone, Wollongong May 20th: Platinum Nightclub, Gold Coast May 21st: Monastery, Brisbane

1 2 3

JUST GO WITH IT

LINCOLN LAWYER

RANGO

1 2 3

HOP

£1.4

SOURCE CODE

£1.3

LIMITLESS

£1.2

£3.2

1 2 3

HOP

$38

SOURCE CODE

$15

INSIDIOUS

$13

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

$ IN MILLIONS HIGHEST WEEKS IN POSITION RELEASE

MUSIC ELECTRIC Shadow will transform the Gershwin Room into a cinematic, multi-sensory experience, with performances by Mikelangelo with his band the Tin Star plus Saint Clare and Go Girl Gadget Go Go, and underground legend JP Shilo. Where: The Espy Hotel When: April 30th Cost: $25 on the door

1 2 3 1 2 3

FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

SNOOP DOGG

SWEAT

PRICE TAG

JESSIE J

JENNIFER LOPEZ

SOMEONE LIKE YOU

ADELE

PARTY ROCK ANTHEM

LMFAO

KATY PERRY

RIHANNA

CEE LO GREEN

ON THE FLOOR

1 2 3

DEREK Warf eld is a name that has become synonymous with Irish music over the years thanks to his involvement with the legendary band The Wolfe Tones.

LAST WEEK

E.T.

S&M

FUCK YOU

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

ON BBMLIVE.COM THIS WEEK WHERE FASHION MEETS MUSIC “A brand steeped in originality, Converse has released Desire, an electrifying collaboration which sees Paloma Faith, Graham Coxon of Blur and Bill RyderJones of The Coral come together to produce an original blend of Paloma’s voice and the immense instrumental skills of the band.”

April 21st: Rosie O’Grady’s, WA April 30th: Adelaide Irish Club May 1st: Prince of Wales, Melbourne May 6th: Queensland Irish Club May 7th: Coogee Diggers Club, NSW May 8th: Notes, Sydney

COMPETITIONS THE Stanton Warriors have been drawing from a bottomless well of broken beat goodness for their new album, The Warriors.

HABITAT HQ, Melbourne’s Music Hostel in St Kilda goes mad in May with their Month of MAYhem & Madness.

HUGH Cornwell is one of the UK’s f nest songwriting talents - the original guitarist, singer and main songwriter in The Stranglers.

AFTER its launch into Australia last year, Creamf elds Australia is back bigger and better for Easter 2011.

The album sees collaborations with Ruby Goe and Hollywood Holt, Young Fathers, Sporty-O and Jahcoozi.

One lucky winner will receive 3 night’s accommodation for 2 in a private ensuite room plus a double pass to CherryRock.

Share your concert memories for a chance to win one of f ve double passes to see Hugh in the city of your choice.

The team behind the Stereosonic festival are committed to bringing you some of the world’s best acts, utilizing some of the best venues in Australia. And, of course, BBM has a mountain of tickets to give away!

BBM has f ve copies of the record to give away.

TO ENTER ANY OF THESE COMPS, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM 16

COMPETITIONS.HTML BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

REVIEWS SUCKER PUNCH CAST

Emily Browning Abbie Cornish

DIRECTORRELEASED

Zack Snyder (300)

AFTER watching Inception, did you think ‘That f lm would’ve been better if you replaced the cast with hot chicks in school uniform’? Zack Snyder did, and thus... Sucker Punch. As far as I can understand, the f lm takes place from the point of view of Babydoll (Browning), who has been institutionalised after her mother’s death.

RATING

Now

In Cinemas (M)

dancer. But as we prepare for a delightful routine, bam! Transported again to various over-the-top action sequences where the girls are f ghting assorted armies in order to gain the tools to escape. Now, I have no idea what was reality, what was Babydoll’s imagination and what was an excuse to blow $82 million on CGI. But somehow, it works. The action scenes are really fun, the story manages to hold your attention for most of the f lm, and Emily Browning is a hot mess.

Quicker than you can say ‘lobotomy’, bam! We’re transported into a retro gentlemen’s club where the same asylum girls are entertaining their clients, and entertaining Babydoll’s idea A 130 minute mindfuck, Sucker Punch to escape. manages to be confusing, entertaining and over-the-top at the same time. Surely that’s a good thing. Ben Harlum Now, you see, Babydoll is an amazing

THE PRODIGY: WORLD’S ON FIRE CAST

The Prodigy, of course

DIRECTOR

Paul Dugdale

RELEASED

interspersed with Liam, Keith and Maxim whipping the crowd into a frenzy with an earth-shattering performance of live favourite Spitf re before swiftly moving onto the central piece of the f lm, an hour of live footage in the slightly less picturesque Milton Keynes Bowl, in front of 65,000 of the UK Prodigy faithful.

May 27th

DVD & Blu-Ray

RATING I’VE never seen a mosh pit in a cinema. But what could make a normal bunch of cinematic patrons descend into chairjumping chaos? Only the Prodigy with their new feature-length documentary / tour movie

animated perfectly over the classics we know and love. Firestarter, Breathe, Omen, Voodoo People, an ear splitting version of Smack My Bitch Up, it’s all there in a pure un-adulterated, adrenaline-fueled frenzy.

The band close out the set with Out of Space, a subtle reminder The f lm shouldn’t work, but it of just how important they have does. The superb editing and been to dance music and how far pulsating camera-spinning visuals they’ve come since their happy translate well onto the screen, hardcore raving debut. Twenty The f lm begins in Rio de Janeiro, with Keith Flint’s mad snarling years on, still no one comes behind the scenes footage and Maxim’s raw primal drawl close. James Stapleton World’s on Fire, premiered to privileged fans and press alike for one day only in selected cinemas.

JESSIE J: WHO YOU ARE SINGLES

RELEASED

‘ones to watch in 2011’, upon the release of her debut collection Who You Are (for it is no album), the critics suddenly stuck the knives in.

Do It Like a Dude Price Tag Nobody’s Perfect Now

Stores & Digitally

After a painful listen it is clear to see why.

RATING SOMETIMES, an artist comes along who is thrust so f rmly in your face that you eventually submit and agree to like them. This seems to be the method taken by Jessie J’s team. The

Jessie J may have shown some songwriter behind the incredibly potential on the catchy but not annoying Miley Cyrus ‘hit’ Party really awe-inspiring Do It Like a In The USA has released her own Dude, but the rush released Who collection of self-penned pop You Are does anything but tell us songs. about Jessie J. While Jessie topped the polls of

in just about any genre you could ask for, but none of them are delivered with style, panache or originality. On a vocal level, Jessie veers from the shrill to the monotone. It is rare to f nd an album without even one track that is worth a listen, but the over-hyped Jessie J seems to have found it easy enough to write one. (Send all hatemail to) Jeremy Williams.

The mixed bag collection takes

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SOAPS CORONATION ST.

LIZ and Jim f nally reveal that they are back together, while Gail still wants to get rid of no-good Kylie. She enlists the help of her eldest son Nick, and they decide to offer her £1000 to leave the street forever. Elsewhere, it looks like Graeme and Xin’s fake wedding may get rumbled

as people are becoming suspicious that he’s only going through with it to keep her in the country. But will the pair end up in jail? Maria struggles to keep the workers in order whilst Carla is away, while Chesney is hurt when Fiz discovers some money has been stolen and questions him about it.

EastEnders THIS week will see many ups and downs for the Ahmed clan. Tamwar and Af a have had enough of his scheming parents trying to split them up, so they get married in secret.

Tanya’s f ancé instructs them that the roof is not safe, and they should close the restaurant, but devastation hits and the roof collapses on top of Syed.

However with their parents none the wiser, they still have to go through with their engagement party at the Argee Bhaji.

Tamwar is disgusted with his parents as they do nothing to help their oldest son and it’s touch and go whether he’ll survive.

Carol feels guilty as the neighbours note Christy’s downfall, and soon discover that Christy has been robbed. Meanwhile, Paul and Niamh are shocked to hear that Barry has become Rachel’s conf dante. Niamh fails to persuade Paul to reconcile with Barry, Yvonne accuses Barry of impropriety, and Barry accuses Niamh of trying to destroy his life for the second time! TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

|▲

HOLLYOAKS +

THINGS are explosive between Cheryl and Brendan this week when Ste reveals that he and Brendan were having an affair. Passion f ies between Ste and Noah as the pair embark upon a relationship, but how will Brendan curb his jealousy? Riley makes an enemy out of Warren, who pays newcomer Alex to make a play for the 20

footballer behind Mercedes’ back, but will Riley go through with it, and what will Mercedes do when she f nds out? Amy and Lee get close again, and sparks f y. Scheming Leanne plots to come between the two of them. Theresa realises that she’s in love with Ethan, but will he dump his f ancé for her?

Emmerdale EVE helps Kelly with her wicked plan when she takes pictures of Jimmy and Kelly together as “proof” that they were having an affair, and forges some fake hotel receipts. Jimmy speaks to his brother about the information he has been given, and Carl warns that the information may not be true. Jimmy can barely look Nicola in the eye.

Adam f nally decides to accept Declan’s offer of a job at the farm while wayward teen Amy is up to no good as she tries to hit on David, ruining a romantic meal between him and Leyla. She later heads into town in order to prove she’s more grown up than everyone thinks, but on her way back Cain gives her a lift, and the pair soon end up in a compromising position... BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

IT’S YOUR PLACE Sydney’s largest specialist FURNISHED accommodation agent. We cater for singles, couples, friends and groups seeking their own ﬂats and houses.

CALL NOW ON 02 8669 3678 TO ORGANISE A FREE PROPERTY VIEWING OR Go to WWW.FURNISHEDPROPERTY.COM.AU for more furnished rooms and ﬂats across Sydney.

ELIZABETH BAY GUEST BONDI BEACH GUEST HOUSE SINGLE ROOMS 1 HOUSE 1 MONTH MONTH MINIMUM STAY MINIMUM STAY What

This property has a great social atmosphere with a large rooftop to enjoy the Sydney sun. Relax in the evening with a BBQ with your new friends. Where Elizabeth Bay Road, Elizabeth Bay. Cost Single rooms from $180 pp/pw.

What

SYDNEY CENTRAL GUEST HOUSE 1 MONTH MINIMUM STAY

FURNISHED STUDIO/ONE BEDROOM FLATS HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED SO YOU CAN JUST MOVE STRAIGHT IN.

FURNISHED TWO/THREE BEDROOM FLATS SYDNEY’S BEST LOCATIONS

EXECUTIVE ONE/TWO/ THREE BEDROOM FLATS STROLL FROM SYDNEY’S CBD AND HARBOUR

Room with views and an amazing rooftop deck right on Bondi Beach. BBQ, sun bake, surf or just relax! Where Campbell Parade, Bondi Beach. Cost Double or Twin from $150 pp/pw (Single rooms from $240 pw). Negotiable for 6 month leases.

What

This superb guesthouse has generous sized bedrooms all with ensuite bathrooms, TV, fridges and more. Building has new kitchen with top of the range applicants and BBQ for alfresco dining. Where South Dowling Street, Surry Hills. Cost Double or Twin from $150 pp/pw (Single rooms from $280 pw). Negotiable for 6 month leases.

What Our two/three bedroom range includes functional flats What which include all the required furniture and amenities All the flats are furnished to a high standard including to ensure you have a great stay. dining tables and superior lounge room fit outs. Where Sydney CBD, Inner West, Eastern Sydney, Bondi Where Sydney CBD, Inner West, Eastern Suburbs, Sydney, Where Junction, Bondi and Coogee Beach. Bondi Junction, Bondi and Coogee Beach. Cost Cost From $160 pp/pw (4-6 share). Cost Double or Twin from $170 pp/pw Negotiable for 6 month leases. (Single Studios from $320 pw). Negotiable for 6 month leases. What

CENTRAL RAILWAY APARTMENTS Central Railway Apartments centrally located in Chalmers Street 600m from Central Railway Station.

Executive apartments within walking distance of Sydney’s CBD. Apartments feature top of the range Italian furnishings, street frontage over looking parks and a panoramic view of the city. Sydney CBD. One bed from $250 pp/pw. Two & Three bed from $200 pp/pw (4-6 share) Negotiable for 6 month leases.

$99 Per Night (SLEEPS UP TO 4 PEOPLE)

1 WEEK $560 P/W 2 WEEKS $500 P/W 3 WEEKS $450 P/W 4 WEEKS $420 P/W 1 MONTH + $375 P/W

A ROOM OR FLAT FOR EVERY BUDGET CALL NOW ON 02 8669 3678 to register for a property inspection go to WWW.FURNISHEDPROPERTY.COM.AU

UK NEWS TOPLESS OF THE CLASS IMAGINE the scene. You’re a young teenage schoolboy whose art teacher is a 32year-old former Miss UK runner-up. Well proof this week that if enough young schoolboys close their eyes and wank hard enough, wishes really do come true after topless pictures of the teacher in question were stolen by a student at Merchant Taylors’

INTELLIGENT working-class college graduates who can no longer afford to go to University due to David Cameron only wanting kids with posh parents to have a tertiary education have been offered a new option – they can run a Travelodge instead.

public school in Hertfordshire and passed around pupils for their wanking pleasure. The pictures of Joanne Salley, who used to be Miss Northern Ireland, were taken by a fellow art teacher who rather foolishly left them on a memory stick on her desk in the camera lab. “The pictures are wicked. She’s looking properly f t in

them,” said one teenager, from behind his locked bedroom door.

A BRIT OF GOOD WEATHER ACCORDING to The Sun, Britain was off cially “sizzling” last week after the old home country enjoyed its hottest day of the year so far. The temperature? It was 22C. Or, to put it another way, a typical Autumn day in Sydney. No wonder we left. And like the predictable nation of sun junkies the Brits are, everyone decided to hurtle on down to the beach to frolic in the excrement-laden waves of our polluted coastline.

LIFE’S A BEACH: Blackpool (above) in the sun last week.

For nothing says “summer in Britain” quite like queuing in sweltering hot traff c for three hours so you can watch a few used condoms f oat around on the brown-water majesty of the North Sea.

BRANSON TAKES SUB WAY HE’S at it again. Tidybearded millionaire Richard Branson, who made his vast fortune during the 80s and 90s working as a Noel-Edmonds-a-like, has stopped looking to the sky for his next publicity-gaining project and is instead heading in the opposition direction. The famous Virgin has built a fancy-shmancy submarine with “full ocean depth” capa-

“When you think that more people have been to the moon than down to the bottom of our oceans, there is just so much to explore and discover,” said Branson (left) with that annoying grin.

bility, which means he could become the f rst person to travel to the furthest reaches of the ocean f oor.

TRAVEL PLAN

“We’re going to obviously come across some fascinating creatures and learn some fascinating things that, hopefully, will be useful for mankind.”

Five hundred school-leavers are to be given the chance to run their own discrete one-night stand and stag-dofriendly hotel as the budget chain launches a major shakeup in how it recruits potential managers. “For a lot of people the thought of that level of debt hanging over them is something that really frightens them,” said Travelodge CEO Guy Parsons, while whipping some Taiwanese kids into making cheap trainers.

GONE TO DOGS A SAD git in Lincoln is so sick of the dog crap in his local area, he’s started leaving little notes next to any rogue stools he spots. Kind of like the doggy version of toilet graff ti. Applaudable sentiments maybe, but the City of Lincoln Council’s environmental department aren’t too happy about it – as it just causes more litter in the area. “Instead, members of the public can help by observing dog owners to make sure they clean up after their pets, perhaps asking them to remove the mess if they try to leave it,” said environmental enforcement off cer Tony Garner.

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

Call us on

1300freespirit migration@freespirit.com.au

Let us complete the

Migration puzzle for you

Put your Visa in safe hands ENS Permanent Residency

457 Business Visa

Skilled Migration

Partner Visa

Speak with our migration specialists today about how we can help you extend your time in Australia www.freespirit.com.au

0$51

UK NEWS BIG TIP FOR POLICE

A BLOKE who dubbed himself the Salford Stallion after sleeping with three women dressed as schoolgirls has been jailed for six years… because they were actual schoolgirls.

CASH-HAPPY cops spent £20,000 on a huge operation to bust two sad gits who swan around dumps picking up useful bits of junk - because they ‘stole’ 47pence-worth of crap.

Teacher Christopher Drake, 29, taught all three girls – two of whom were only 14 - at a school in Atherton, Greater Manchester.

Owen Gray and Angela Cubitt helped themselves to an old PlayStation and Black & Decker drill dumped at their local recycling centre in Gloucester. But when police found out, they went into full terrorist mode – sending eight off cers in a helicopter, two vans, two dog units and three patrol cars. To be fair it led to a conviction – with jobless computer engineer Owen

SCHOOL’S OUT

The scheming stallion managed to keep the other girls from finding out about each other for over a year - until one of them walked into his flat while he was trying to shag her mate. f ned £20 for his felony. Worth it then. “I make no apology for responding seriously to an incident like this. In the past, people stealing from tips have been responsible

for other thefts with a great impact on the community,” said Gloucestershire Police superintendent Gary Thompson, who then shot dead a passer-by reaching for a mobile phone in his inside pocket.

When police arrived at the flat, they found rose petals strewn on the floor, furry handcuffs, bondage rope, an eye mask, condoms and Viagra tablets. Biology lessons have certainly changed since our day. Dirty bastard.

WEDDY FOR ANYTHING A RETIRED lunatic major from the Air Force says UFOs will be among the spectators for the Royal Wedding. Major George Filer, who runs the National UFO Centre, said: “The craft seem to have an interest in anything important. They’ve been sighted recently over Libya and near the Japanese tsunami.” Of course the aliens could also be drawn to the wedding by the powerful sun rays being ref ected from the top of Prince Williams’ head.

SILLY BERGERS THOSE pesky Russians have pissed all over Carlsberg’s metaphoric chips with the lager giant set to dump its famous tagline “Probably the best lager in the world” – because our humourless Baltic brothers and people in the Far East don’t get it. Instead the new tagline will be “That calls for a Carlsberg”. One source said: “Customers in these markets don’t really get the subtlety. If you say we’re probably the best, they then ask, ‘So you’re not, then?”

Think you’re funny and could write stories for BBM? Why not give it a go? We’re always on the look-out for talented contributors. Email us at info@what-media.com 24

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

UK NEWS LITTLEWOODY CATALOGUE BBM’S much-publicised chagrin at porn being more readily available for today’s teens compared to our day was given another venting this week thanks to the sex-mad fashion perverts at Jack Wills clothing company. Back in pre-internet days, the only ready-made wanking material BBM had was the underwear section of the Littlewoods catalogue. Well today’s teenage tosspots have even taken that up a notch after University clothing company Jack Wills was forced to pull its latest catalogue for being too sexual. The catalogue shows topless women wrapping their legs around half-naked men, gorgeous teenagers groping each other in the shower and sexy girls stripping off at a beach party frolicking together in their underwear. The Advertising Standards Authority have since branded the images “overtly sexual” and ordered the catalogue must not appear again in its current form. The ruling may be a blessing in disguise for Jack Wills, as we suspect most of the pages would have been stuck together after the first reading anyway.

JEST THE JOB DO you like telling crap jokes? Do you have no self-respect or dignity? Are you used to being ridiculed and humilated in public? If you answered ‘yes’, then unfortunately you’re overqualified for a position at BBM – but we hear the good people at Muncaster Castle in the Lake District are advertising for a real-life jester. Aptly enough, the job search began on April 1st “We need the fool to remind our rulers not to get above themselves and to remember that they’re not greatly important in the grand scheme of things,” said Peter Frost-Pennington, whose family has lived at Muncaster Castle for more than 800 years. “A fool’s essential for the human spirit.” The successful applicant will be able to keep an audience amused for 30 minutes – that’s Charlie Sheen ruled out then.

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

IRISH NEWS LET’S BE CIVIL PRETTY much every Irish bloke BBM has ever come across during our time in Australia has bragged about how much they “love da craic”.

same-sex civil partnership laws in Ireland after waiting for the statutory notice period to end. The pair, who have been a couple for 17 years, confessed that the ceremony was an emotional one, with a “few cryers” among the 50 guests.

Well in a case of role reversal, Dublin pair Barry Dignam (40) and Hugh Walsh (43) actively shun the craic, preferring instead to come across each other. Yes Barry and Hugh are homosexualists, and helped make history this week after becoming the f rst couple to exchange vows under the

WITH THIS RING, I THEE JED: An Irish gay couple, yesterday.

A recording of Dancing Queen was intended “to gay it up a little bit”, joked Barry – seemingly unaware that marrying another man is as gay as it gets.

IT’S AN OFFALY BIG DEAL THE President of the USA, Bollocks Obama, is set to touch down in Ireland next month – but his team of Jack Bauer-style heavies have already landed. The president’s men and women descended on Moneygall, Co Offaly, this week to begin preparations for his visit to his ancestral hometown. “They just wanted to look around, have a chat and ask a few questions,” said local publican Ollie Hayes, who had his pub - and toilets - photographed by Obama’s appointed bog inspectors. We hear George Michael uses a similar excuse.

BOUNTIFUL BOOTS IN KERRY A WOMAN in Listowel, County Kerry turned up to a charity shop stressed out, claiming she had accidentally left 5,000 euro in the toe of an old pair of boots she’d donated to the store the week before. The woman maintained she had stashed the cash and donated the boots to the shop amongst several other items of clothing. Charity shop workers tried to help but the boots had been sold and, surprise, surprise, a sign in the shop window did

little to encourage the buyer to come back with the cash. On the plus side, it’s believed the woman is in talks with the sensible folks in the government buildings about getting a job, as they don’t mind giving out great swathes of money either. One thing is for certain though, there is likely someone very well heeled traipsing around Listowel this week. Geddit?!

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

STUPID BANKER A KNOBHEAD at the Bank of Ireland has been sacked for sending ‘humorous’ porn to people on his work email and forwarding ‘bad taste’ jokes about the tsunami and other tragedies. In other words, he’s been sacked for being one of those annoying twats who forwards on emails with titles like “this is hilarious!!!!!!” and “soooo funny!!!!!”. Emails were sent from James Reilly’s internal address to staff in a well-known multinational, a semi-state organisation and to other private email addresses.

OLD MONEY JUST when it seemed as though things couldn’t go worse for the Emerald Isle, international experts predict that it could take up to 20 years for the banks to pay back the 117 billion that was pumped into the economy to avoid a depression. On top of all this, it has been reported that an additional 24 billion may be borrowed in the coming weeks. We’re not ones to exaggerate here at BBM – but this is almost as bad as when Thierry Henry handed that ball in.

LONG BREAK THINGS may be bleak f nancially but that hasn’t stopped Government off cials taking the piss, with new statistics showing County managers get a ridiculous amount of holiday entitlement – with Longford’s Tim Caffrey receiving no less than 42 days annual leave. “Annual leave entitlements for local authority employees are broadly similar across the sector,” he said, in a shamless attempt to dob in his freeloading mates.

WORLD NEWS FLASH FIRE

AN eighty-three-year-old American clearly wasn’t getting enough action in the bedroom so he decided to take matters into his own hands. Instead of following the tried and tested Michael Hutchence route, the old codger decided to light his kilt on f re and feel the rush. Okay, so the only rush he felt was a slow and painful death.

The man’s neighbour rushed to his aid after hearing (presumably unpleasurable) screams next door. The man was a dentist who “loved sharing puns and wordplay,” so at least he won’t be pissed at BBM making light of his death. We can’t help it, it’s a kilt-y pleasure.

On a positive note, BBM hopes our managing director will stop lighting his kilt on f re whenever the magazine isn’t up to his ‘standard’.

PRO-TESTING TIMES

SOME people are just born perfect: smart, caring, understanding, easy. And then there’s anti-abortion groups. A US group has sparked a series of protests after their new billboard was revealed. The brilliantly clever campaign shows a picture of Obama and the slogan “Every 21 minutes, our next possible leader is aborted.” The despicably named group “Life Always” claims that their campaign intends to “encourage ref ection on the

BBM is well aware that addictions can be expensive, but we can’t imagine forking out a grand each month on a new sofa because of it. Mum of f ve, Adele Edwards of Florida has a rather unusual habit of snacking on sofa cushions. She apparently suffers from the disorder Pica, which makes people eat seemingly inedible objects. She is aware that eating the foam could kill her, but she just really likes eating it. Beats smoking, we guess. During the course of her lifetime she has consumed eight settees and f ve chairs. Ikea have thrown their support behind Adele, encouraging her to try their cheap plastic furniture as well.

disproportionate number of abortions among African Americans.” BBM thinks maybe they should focus on the disproportionate number of Americans who know where Europe is, and worry about the little things later. Pro-choice groups are intending to make a comeback with their new billboard next week. It shows a photo of anti-abortion group leaders and a coat hanger with the slogan “If Only.”

A man has been arrested by police in Arizona, after being caught using a vaccum cleaner (hidden in his backpack) to steal quarters out of several laundry machines. That sucks.

CLEARLY applying the “wait and see if it passes” method, a Mexican man turned up to a hospital this week to seek help for his ladyfriend; who had been dead for roughly two days. Jerry Maestas drove to the hospital Tuesday with the woman’s decomposing body propped up in the passenger seat. Bonus: he was able to use the transit lane. Maestas asked hospital staff to come outside and help his sick friend. The hospital staff said they could tell by the smell that the woman had been dead for some time, and that Jerry had stopped for tacos on the way. Maestas will face charges of failing to report a death, and eating low quality mexican food. Aye carumba!

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WORLD NEWS BBM would love to be Mayor, and just like Mayor Don Robart of Cayahoga Falls we’d like to make a few changes.

Apparently they make it unsafe for other, more normal, kids. Parents are outraged. “The curfew is ridiculous,” said one caring parent. “We don’t want our son home so early. He’s all creepy and he paints his nails.”

But sending all 18 year olds home at 8pm? That’s just silly. Some 18 year olds are all sexy in their school uniforms. And they’re legal. The proposed 8pm curfew is aimed at young “gangbangers” who hang out under some bridge near some river. Oh yeah, and he particularly hates those people “in their goth garb, with their spiked hair and piercings.”

Mayor Robart took to the cameras to explain. “Last summer we had a couple of gang unit detectives hook with some of my off cers down on the riverfront.”

are venting their anger by putting together a peer-reviewed article about the incident. No wait, this is America, so they’re whinging about it on Facebook. “I’m still shocked and appalled that my 9-year-old saw and touched a breast implant,” one parent writes. “I specif cally had mine removed when I was breast-feeding!”

And not just because it sounds like a psych ward. This year kids got to see and touch more than they bargained for during show and tell when a plastic surgeon brought in some tasty breast implants.

After having an argument with his girlfriend on the phone, probably about either quantum physics or the laws of probability, a drunken Powell decided to run out onto the street and smash his head into a pick-up truck. He was then arrested over the damage to the truck and while in custody it was discovered he is a registered sex offender who failed to re-register after moving interstate. “I don’t see the problem. It’s a fucking truck, not a fucking baby,” said Powell, as he jerked off reminiscing on old crimes.

Dude, it’s not a beat. Sickos.

THE BREAST CAREER PATH

CAREERS day was always so boring when BBM was at school. Ten teachers, a lawyer who didn’t show up and not a f reman in sight. We’re really starting to wish we went to Shady Grove Elementary.

A series of intelligent decisions have lead 34 year old John Sherman Powell to be held in Laurel County Correctional Center on a number of nasty charges.

When asked for a comment one student reported he’d learnt a lot. “Now I know that more than a handful is def nitely not a waste,” he drooled.

Some strict and unadventurous parents

IN a story BBM can relate to, a man has been arrested for stealing a Hotel’s Wi-Fi to access the internet. So? He looked up porn and beat off in a public car park. So? Hotel Employees called the Police who arrested the man for public lewdness. Geez, way to over react. These people know you can password protect, right? Give the guy a break. At least he wasn’t at Maccas. That’s where we go for all the free internet. And napkins. And a nice view of the playground…

SOMETIMES running at police while yelling “Get away from me you fuckers” will get you pepper-sprayed. Especially when you’re holding a sharpened stick in your hand. Even if you’re eight years old.

THERE’S nothing like a sore loser to make BBM’s day. Especially when that loser is American. And a former KKK leader. I guess Mike Carter had it coming when he beat John Paul Rogers in the running for Mayor of Lake Wales. It shouldn’t have been too surprising to Mike that the KKK psycho hurled abuse at him after losing the campaign.

Rogers lost his temper, called his opponent a liar and accused him of ripping down posters and telling citizens that he hung people from a tree in the park. Carter was all like, “Just cause they was black, don’t mean you never done it, white boy.”

The kid was placed on a “mental health hold” and transferred to a school for children with behavioral issues. When we were eight, BBM would yell the same at our parents as they tried to take away our copy of Dolly magazine. We also had a ‘stick’ in our hands at the time.

Racist twat.

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

5HGĂ&#x20AC;RRU VHU 'UXP 0HGLD SUHVHQWV

Proudly P dly ssupporting upp pportingg

The Black Dog Institute t t

The The

KORA Vasco Era C.W Stoneking & & His His Primitive Primitive Horn Horn Orchestra Orchestra

The Bamboos Space Invadas

Custom Kings Resin Dogs Papa Vs Pretty Eagle & The Worm

Chase Chase The The Sun Sun Claude C l a u d e Hay Hay

Zoe K & The Shadow Katz Sticky Fingers Lanie Lane Cheap Fakes The Wildes The Firemen Silent Disco Blackest D i rtt y York Y ork k Blackest Sabbath Sabbath Dirty Bonjah Nga iki Electric Elect ic Band B j h Ngariki

FULL FU ULL WEEKEND ND T TICKE TICKET CKEET Including Inclu uding n g camping p g $$130 ava availablee via the web website. bsite bsite. (until sold out of course!) !)

Bowen Lucky Bo owen & The The Luck Lucky ucky Dutchmen Dutchme Dutchmen

www.thegumball.com.au g

SYDNEY WHAT’S ON

Reggie Watts REGGIE is a staple of the international performance scene. His improvised musical sets are created on-the-spot using only his formidable voice and a looping machine, while his comedy consists of a stream of consciousness stand-up in various shifting personas. An avowed “disinformationist”, Reggie loves to disorientate his audiences in the most entertaining way. Some of his improvised songs have become hugely popular on YouTube and are often requested at his shows. His unique talent has seen him win the ECNY Award (2009) and the Andy Kaufmann Award (2006) for his brand of innovative stand-up. When: Thursday, April 14th and Friday, April 15th Where: Metro Theatre Cost: $44

Ladi6 & EWH GETTING her start with all-girl crew Sheelahroc, Ladi6 is New Zealand’s f rst lady of hip-hop. Releasing her debut solo album Time Is Not Much in 2008, Ladi, along with her musical partner/producer DJ Parks, have been on a whirlwind adventure over the past 12 months including relocating to Berlin for sixty tour dates across Europe supporting the likes of Gil-Scott Heron, Masta Ace and Mayer Hawthorne... Fellow countrymen Electric Wire Hustle are one of New Zealand’s newest offerings, featuring a fresh combination of modern hip-hop, psychedelia and soul. When: Saturday, April 16th Where: The Gaelic Theatre Cost: $30

IT’S a rare week for the NRL where only two games will be played in Sydney, three if you include Manly’s home game against New Zealand. Parramatta kick off the round with a blockbuster clash against the Bulldogs, while South Sydney take on the Dragons, their traditional rivals. When: Friday, April 15th (Eels vs. Bulldogs) Modnay, April 18th (Rabbitohs vs. Dragons) Where: ANZ Stadium

A Sydney Writers’ Festival crowd favourite and unstoppable cultural phenomenon, Erotic Fan Fiction comes to Late Night Library for one seedy night only with a super LGBTI Edition. Written by some of Australia’s newest and most exciting authors, this event promises to conjure up a different kind of magic in an adults-only kind of way. When: Thursday, April 14th Where: Surry Hills Library Cost: Free

BARGAIN hunters of Sydney unite! Find all the coins you have in your couch cushions, and get that money back from your brother, because garage sale madness will consume Surry Hills and Glebe this Sunday! There’ll be thousands of garage sales all over the country on this day, salvaging items instead of sending them to landf ll. When: Sunday, April 10th Where: Throughout Surry Hills and Glebe

BRING your toffee apples, newspaper hats and sing along with Mr Clicketty Cane, Newspaper Mama, Toffee Apple, Spaghetti Bolognaise, Juicy Juicy Green Grass, Chopsticks, Tadpole Blues, Jack & the Beanstalk, Baghdad, Saturday Night, Spangle Road, Tell Me the Time Please and many more; the songs that a million Australian kids grew up on, pre-Wiggles! When: Friday, April 15th Where: Oxford Art Factory Cost: $21

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

MELBOURNE NEWS NOT A GRAND IDEA A MELBOURNE grandmother is furious after police forced her to give them her grandson so they could take him to visit the prison where his father was being held for substantial drug charges. The man is also the father to several other children, all of which are not required to visit him. His f ve-year-old daughter told police she didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to see him because he used to hit her. Does something about this story sound kind of fucked up? The guy is obviously a shitty father, Melbourne police have to be complete idiots to not be able to see this on their own. Does BBM have to do everything around here? If the guy can not see his other kid because he hit them, why would you bring a one-year-old to see him in prison?

HOLY COW IN VICTORIA this past week, authorities had to close a City Link Tunnel when it was reported that a while being carried in a livestock container, a cow reared up and knocked an electric sign loose. Authorities closed a lane and reduced the speed of the other two lanes while they worked to ensure the stability of the sign. BBM is curious about two things; One how do the authorities know that it was a cow that damaged the sign? And Secondly how the fuck is the cow doing after this horrif c injury? In a related story a cow was hit by a vehicle also this week, the cow did in fact die. This goes to show one thingâ&#x20AC;Ś The Victorian people have no regard for the Indian people, you would think that since they were part of the Commonwealth, cows would be treated much better. Guess not.

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

MELBOURNE WHAT’S ON

KIMBRA is headlining the Corner Hotel for the f rst time to welcome the release of her latest single, Cameo Lover. Kimbra and her full live band will perform songs off the soon-to-be-released debut album, Vows. With production help from M-Phazes and a feature spot on Miami Horror’s track I Look To You, Kimbra’s enjoyed rave reviews and has been touted as the one to watch in 2011.

When: Thursday, April 14th Where: Corner Hotel Cost: $18

ENGLISH folk singer, songwriter and guitarist Martha Tilston grew up surrounded by creative inf uences. She’s returning to Melbourne for the f rst time since last year’s Lucy and the Wolves album release. When: Thursday, April 7th Where: Federation Square

MISTRESS Mondays celebrate the launch of their debut single Sound Of Me Sleeping by returning to Revolver Upstairs, alongside Kashmere Club, Ruby Jones and Tom Dockray. When: Saturday, April 9th Where: Revolver Upstairs Cost: $10 on the door

BIMBO Deluxe and Lucky Coq join forces for the third annual sevenday festival. The Best of Both Sides Festival has become a highlight of the Easter holiday season that aims to showcase the f nest in visual, electronic, and live music talents. When: April 19 to 25 Where: Bimbo Deluxe & Lucky Coq

THE future - it’s not what we were promised. Scotland’s David Heffron looks ahead to a Golden Age of Humanity. Or, alternatively, mankind’s last stand in the war against the mutant Crab-men. When: Until April 24 Where: Elephant & Wheelbarrow

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

MELBOURNE

MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL COMEDY FESTIVAL WARNING: MATERIAL MAY CAUSE URINE TO APPEAR IN YOUR PANTS

The Melbourne International Comedy Festival is one of the three largest comedy festivals in the world. For three and a half weeks, the festival literally takes over Melbourne. Good thing Melbourne has a very big guest room, the Melbourne Town Hall precinct, which is completely transformed into a massive comedy hub. To see the complete 2011 Comedy Festival program, just hop online, but for a festival guide in your pocket, download the shiny new iPhone App… how fancy. Here are some of our picks...

JOSH THOMAS

At 17, Josh Thomas was the youngest ever winner of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival’s RAW Comedy Competition in 2005. Josh thought he was on top of the world - too bad his next gig was in a creepy, you-might-actually-diewhen-they-shoot-you Tavern in front of a very small audience; a man crying into his beer. But, Josh has bounced back from that terrorizing experience, and is coming to Melbourne to perform his show Everything Ever, where he will attempt to talk about everything that has ever happened. Whoa, that’s a lot.

UPFRONT

The ladies of comedy are having their sweet 16! Upfront is a night full of female comedians, and this is its 16th anniversary. Get cranked for the best local and international female comedians ever assembled under the one roof. Where: Melbourne Town Hall When: 7pm, April 18th

THE FESTIVAL CLUB

Those ‘in the know’ swear by the Festival Club as the place where the Festival’s rogue heart beats… Random acts of spontaneity, unrepeatable performances and a grassroots vibe that’s comedy through and through. From 10 Comedians for Ten Bucks to The Dan Band, the club features a rolling schedule of acts that continue into the wee hours. Where: The Hi-Fi When: Tuesday - Sunday, Until April 24th

Where: The Arts Centre Playhouse When: Tuesday - Sunday 7pm, until April 17th.

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

PERTH WHAT’S ON

BANDMATES and twin brothers Benji and Joel Madden are teaming up for a DJ set in Perth. Tickets are fairly cheap for the magnitude of the twin’s stardom. Make sure not to miss out on this unique opportunity to see the Madden Brothers DJ.

KARNIVOOL recently announced that their upcoming concerts in Western Australia will be the last to focus on their album Sound Awake. Enjoy the hits while they last! When: Saturday, April 9th Where: Augustana Margaret Football Club

When: Friday, April 15th Where: Metropolis Concert Club

ARDAL O’Hanlon, one of the funniest people to ever come from the Emerald Isle, will be here in Perth this coming weekend. Ardal is hands down one of the funniest comics of his time and is also famous for his role in the sitcom Father Ted. He promises to make your stomach hurt, make sure you go out and see his routine. When: Wednesday, April 13th Where: Regal Theatre

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB 1 Holdsworth Street, Fremantle

ROSIE O’GRADY’S 205 James Street, Northbridge

ROSEMOUNT 459 Fitzgerald Street, North Perth

DURTY NELLY’S 397 Murray Street, Perth

THE NEWPORT HOTEL 2 South Terrace, Fremantle

MURPHY’S IRISH PUB 43 Mandurah Terrace, Perth

ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW 55 Lake Street, Northbridge

THE SHED 69/71 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge

HOTEL ROTTNEST 1 Bedford Avenue, Rottnest Island

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

QUEENSLAND WHAT’S ON

One Man Lord of the Rings

Riverdance A thunderous celebration of Irish music, song and dance, Riverdance has tapped its way onto the world stage since its inception in 1994.

CHARLES Ross, creator of the worldwide hit One Man Star Wars Trilogy, returns to Australia with his hilarious follow-up One Man Lord of the Rings. In this 60-minute show, Ross hurtles his way through the entire Tolkien trilogy - The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers and The Return of the King - recreating the magical world of Middle-earth and all its enchanting characters. When: April 12 - 17th Where: QPAC Lyric Theatre Cost: From $48

The production has thrilled more than 22 million people in over 300 venues worldwide throughout 32 countries across 4 continents, and has grossed over US$1.6 billion worldwide. Discover why Riverdance is such a unique spectacle that continues to play to sold-out audiences worldwide. When: April 12 - 17th Where: QPAC Lyric Theatre Cost: From $35

THE Holidays have been winning rave reviews from various parts of the globe in recent times – including NME, BBC6 and X-FM support in the UK, as well as in Japan and the U.S.

IN its inaugural f rst year, Supafest drew over 65,000 people. With crowds of over 100,000 expected to attend this year, Supafest is quickly gaining a reputation as the world’s largest Urban Music Festival.

When: Thursday, April 14th Where: Elsewhere Cost: $18.40

When: Saturday, April 16th Where: RNA Showgrounds Cost: $145

THE Saltwater Band’s long awaited third album Malk is an amalgamation of traditional tunes and contemporary rhythms, with pop and reggae / ska inf uences that will translate amazingly well to a live atmosphere.

FOR years now, plying a brand of honest and passionate folk/punk, Briton Frank Turner has continued to rise to prominence with an ever increasing following. When: Saturday, April 16th Where: Rosie’s Cost: $21.45

FROG N TOAD BAR HOP EVERY WED & FRI NIGHT

When: Saturday, April 16th Where: Tanks Arts Centre Cost: $25

Heading to Cairns and want to save $$ If you are - you’d be crazy not to check out :

MONTHLY FITZROY ISLAND PARTIES

OR PHONE 0418184646

2 & 4 night hostel / party packages from $55 that include: 2or4 nights accommodation & 2or4 evening meals & free Bar Hop $5 off with this ad VOTED CAIRNS’ BEST NIGHT OUT & $150 worth of VIP Gold Club Card & Party Vouchers 44

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

QUEENSLAND GOLD COAST SPORT Aside from being one of the coolest places in the Southern Hemisphere, the Gold Coast is home to one of the richest sports cultures in the world. The Gold Coast harbours more than 10 professional sports teams which all enjoy a pretty successful history. If you are a fan of Rugby League, then the Gold Coast has the Titans for you in the NRL, while the Tweed Seagulls and the Burleigh Bears also calling the Gold Coast their home; the Seagulls were the 2007 Queensland Cup Champions. Meanwhile, Several local high schools in the city have won the national high school Rugby League tournament; Arrive Alive Cup. If you are more of a rugby union fan then the Gold Coast Breakers proudly represent the city in the Queensland Premier Rugby competition. Gold Coast United are one of the new members of Australiaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s premier football league, the Hyundai A-League, while the Palm Beach Sharks play in the Brisbane Premier League. One of the most exciting teams in the National Basketball League calls the Gold Coast its home; The Gold Coast Blaze. Since their entry into the league in 2007, the Blaze have steadily climbed toward the National Basketball League Premiership. The Gold Coast was formerly the home of the Brisbane Bears; who have since

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

relocated north. No worries though, the town is represented by the Broadbeach Cats, Labrador Tigers, Southport Sharks and the Gold Coast Suns, who debuted in the AFL last week against Carlton. If you are more of a recreational sport person, the Gold Coast is known for its amazing selection of world class golf courses, most of which you can access and book a tee time online. Some of the more notable golf courses on the Gold Coast are; The Country Club, which is conveniently located just 15 minutes from Surfers Paradise, The Lakelands, Palm Meadows and The Glades; the last in which the public can access. Also available, as far as recreational sports go, are activities such as boating, f shing, and of course surf ng.

UPCOMING GOLD COAST SPORT

Until 10th April: Surf Life Saving Championships, Broadbeach 15th April: Titans vs. Wests Tigers, Skilled Park 17th April: Suns vs. Melbourne Demons, GABBA 30th April: Titans vs. Sydney Roosters, Skilled Park 1st May: Gold Coast Triathlon 6th May: Australia vs. New Zealand Test, Skilled Park 7th May: Suns vs. Brisbane Lions, GABBA

BOOK WITH US DIRECT, MENTION THIS AD AND

SAVE

$2 PER NIGHT

g machine

EE Washin FREE WiFi - FR

m.au packers.co k c a b e is d a r spa www.surfer affected ise NOT ďŹ&#x201A;ood

Surfers Parad

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

QUEENSLAND FOR years now Mission Beach has served as a prime destination for tourists. Mission Beach is, without a doubt, one of Australia’s most iconic beaches, and has a myriad of fun and adventurous activities to offer within a reasonable radius of it. From Skydiving, to simply walking along this iconic beach, you are guaranteed to have an exuberant stay.

SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH

Skydiving at Mission Beach is one of the more popular things to do while in the area, and you can do it at a fair price. By choosing to skydive at Mission Beach, you will gain the unique opportunity of seeing the Great Barrier Reef at heights of up to the legal limit of 14,000 feet. The plane ride up lasts about 10 minutes and during it you have the chance to spot many different marine animals, whether they be sea turtles, whales or dolphins you are sure to get your money’s worth. You’ll notice that a 10km long beach now

looks like it is only ten centimetres. As you freefall back to stable grounds at speeds of up to 200 kilometres per hour the instructor will pull the chute after about a minute. Don’t worry though, the jump is far from over, as it is now that you will be able to experience the beautiful views of the Great Barrier Reef and look down to spot a plethora of sea turtles swimming below you. One of the best parts of the whole jump is the landing, seeing as how you get to do so on Mission Beach itself; a very soft landing.

PARONELLA PARK

At Paronella Park you can get further in touch with your wild side, the park recommends the absolute bare minimum of a two-hour stay. While there, you will be given f sh food so you can feed the animals that call Paronella Park their home. You will also be taken on a guided tour where you will be told stories of the park. The f ora and fauna at Paronella Park are always f ourishing as new species of animals and plants are added to the registry weekly. (CONTINUED ON PAGE 50)

) XkYai e\\ oekh 'ij d_]^j Cdi id WZ jhZY ^c Xdc_jcXi^dc l^i] Vcn di]Zg d[[Zg

;G::86AA ID 7DD@

'.&& ** ,, *, mmm$j_dX_bbo$Yec

@e_d ekh \WY[Xeea \WdfW][ mmm$\WY[Xeea$Yec%j_dX_bboi

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

C A I R N S ’ U LT I M AT E B A C K PA C K E R S H O T E L & R E S O R T !

SAVE

HUND FREE REDS of $ M $ nigheal every ! t p lus VIP throu PRIC ghou E t ven S u

EVERY

NIGHT!

ionneedd itio Coonnddit Air-c Rooms! Ensuite

.... GOES GREEN!! HELP MAKE GILLIGAN'S GO GREENER! Visit our website and follow the link gilligans.com.au/goesgreen and send us your ideas! What are you waiting for?! You could be a WINNER!!! Full terms & conditions can be viewed on the site. Green initiative, Proudly sponsored by:

• FREE Evening Meal • FREE Linen • FREE Parking • FREE Gymnasium • FREE Tour Advice • FREE Internet (1hr per guest*)

• FREE Airport pickup • Air-conditioned rooms • Ensuites in EVERY room type • Massive lagoon swimming pool • Great Central City Location! • VIP Discounts for Inhouse Guests throughout the Venue

57 – 89 Grafton Street, Cairns 4870

*Conditions apply: 3 night cap. Excludes Budget 8's & 10 share dorms - valid to 31/10/11

OFF

QUEENSLAND As a bonus, Paronella Park is doing its share to help the environment, as it is running off its own electricity by using the hydroelectricity technique.

juvenile marine animals. The River is located in the Cassowary Coast region of North Queensland. The river is one of the best places in all of Australia to go white water rafting, suitable for all ages as there are different areas of the river that demand certain skill levels. Multiple companies own the rights to white water raft on the Tully so it is up to you to negotiate prices with the different companies. When you go rafting there are some things that you do need to know. Make sure to bring your ticket, sunscreen, towel, swimmers, money, shoes that will not fall off, and most importantly a good attitude.

DUNK ISLAND

Dunk Island is one of the more popular tourist islands in Australia and is conveniently located about four kilometres off the shores of Mission Beach.

Typically, white water rafting lasts as long as f ve hours but no matter how long the adventure, you are promised to have an excellent time.

Dunk Island is home to a stunning array of avian life and an equally spectacular selection of reptiles, marine mammals and f ora. The island is home to one of the nicer circuit walks available in the area, which is a four-hour-long island circuit walk that will give you the chance to see each metre of the coastline Dunk Island has to offer. Just off of the coast of Dunk Island is the renowned Purtaboi Island, please note that Purtaboi Island is off limits between October through April for the nesting of the rare Crested Terns.

TULLY RIVER

The Tully River originates at the Great Dividing Range and f ows all the way to the Pacif c Ocean, making it a prime estuary for many

Another great thing about white water rafting on the Tully River is most of the companies that raft on the river, will provide free transfer to and from your accommodation!

MINIMUM 3 NITE STAY

.3 VOT ED NSOT E L O BEST H 2011 IN OZ w- orld.com by hostel

SAGD12097

UNIQUE, RELAXED, HOMELY, ATMOSPHERE!

Phone 4038 1555 www.skyrail.com.au

FREECALL Ph: 1800 058 440 4 Terminus Streets - Cairns

#! ) 2 .3 s !5342 ! ,) ! 50

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE!! BRISBANE IS OPENING IT’S ARMS TO YOU GUYS!!

BRISN

EYLA

IS AL

DRIE

D OU

T…

WE ARE BACK TO DISHING OUT ITIES GREAT ACTIV IN THIS (NOW) ED SUN-DRENCH LAND

woe! Got to get to Brissie!! $3 OFF 1st Ton H IG N ti ta ith presen W

of this ad

QUEENSLAND’S BEST BACKPACKERS QLD’S #1 HOSTEL

www.bunkbrisbane.com.au

1800 682 865 or +61 7 3257 3644

.com.au

CAIRNS

7KH 1RUWKHUQ *UHHQKRXVH ÂªÂ´WV LQWR WKH EXGJHW category with dorm accommodation and a ODLG EDFN YLEH EXW WKLV SODFH LV D FXW DERYH WKH RWKHU EDFNSDFNHUV JRRG SODFH WR PHHW SHRSOH Â«

- Lonely Planet (our hostel is their TOP PICK!)

w >11 ) w %182 /-@1>5:3 75@/41: w %C5995:3 <;;8 w : 4;A?1 .-> w !:?5@1 8-A:0>E w :@1>@-5:91:@ 01/7 w ";;8 @-.81 w 5> /;:05@5;:10 >;;9? w :?A5@1 5: 1B1>E >;;9 w : 4;A?1 @>-B18 01?7 w %1/A>1 /-> <->75:3

backpacker! Where we stayed, amazing

Having fun in the sun , Great Barrier Re ef.

! +

117 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 FREECALL: 1800 000 541 T +61 (0)7 4047 7200 F +61 (0)7 4041 6822 E northern@friendlygroup.com.au

MON

>11 .>1-72-?@ >11 @>-:?21> @; - 9-35/-88E 45001: >-5:2;>1?@ ?C5995:3 4;81

TUE

>11 .>1-72-?@ >11 @>-:?21> @; @41 81/71> ;@-:5/-8 ->01:?

WED

>11 >1-72-?@ %<1:0 - <1>21/@ 0-E ;: @41 C-@1> ?-585:3 4-881:31 E;A> 9-@1? @; - 3-91 ;2 @1::5? -? @41 ?A: 3;1? 0;C: : @41 1B1:5:3 5@p? 9;B51 :534@

THU

>11 .>1-72-?@ >11 @>-:?21> @; @41 8A1 %7E >1C1>E C41>1 E;A /-: @-71 <->@ 5: - 95/>; .>1C1>E @;A> >11 @>-:?21> @; -.81 )-@1>?75 "->7 2;> -: 1B1:5:3 ;2 C-71.;->05:3

FRI

>11 .>1-72-?@ >11 ;A@5:3 @; 885? 1-/4 C41>1 E;A /-: ?;-7 A< @41 ?A:?45:1 -:0 1:6;E - #

SAT

>11 <-:/-71 .>1-72-?@ +'

SUN

>11 .>1-72-?@ >11 %A:0-E :534@ # 2@1> 05::1> 5@p? 9;B51 :534@

AWARDED â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;BEST BACKPACKER ACCOMMODATIONâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;

Bragging Rights

OCEANS Y OUTH & E CO ADVEN T U RE H

SUNLOVER

OSTELS

REEF CRUISES

Discover the Real Reef

$130

INTRODUCTORY

SCUBABEDS DIVE DORM

$125 $27

FROM FROM

per person 4 hours of reef fun!

per person

per maxperson 4 ppl

CERTIFIED PRIVATE ROOM SCUBA DIVE FROM FROM

$75 $80

Shortest travel time…longest play time!

twin share

maxperson 2 ppl per

THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËTravel to the reef on board our air-conditioned Catamaran ËSnorkelling equipment provided ËInformative presentation hosted by our marine naturalist ËOn-board touch tank to experience marine life up close

ËDelicious chef-prepared buffet luncheon featuring fresh seafood, hot dishes, salads and fruit ËGuided coral viewing from our semi-submersible craft and glass-bottom boat

FERNTREE Hostel

Cape Tribulation DORM BEDS FROM

$27

per person

max 4 ppl

PRIVATE ROOM access to Ferntree Rainforest Hostel guests have full the Ferntree Rainforest Lodge facilities THE OYEAH! FACTORS:

ËTwo Swimming Pools ËMini-Fridge in All Rooms ËBBQ Facilities

ËVolleyball Court ËTV Lounge ËTour Booking Service

FROM

$75

twin share

max 2 ppl

ËClose to Food Store and Pharmacy ËShort walk to PK’s Jungle Bar ËCassowary Cafe – Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner FERNTREE RAINFOREST HOSTEL SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES

Free Call:

1800 075 125 (Calls within Australia)

Cairns

.COM.AU

Townsville

OCEANS Y OUTH & E CO ADVEN T U RE H

OSTELS

DORM

BEDS BEDS DORM

$27

FROM FROM

per person

per maxperson 4 ppl

DOUBLE ROOM PRIVATE ROOM FROM FROM

$75

An island escape on the mainland

max share 2 ppl twin

THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËTwo Pristine Pools ËSpa ËFree WiFi

ËBBQ Facilities ËGames Room ËOceans Bar & Grill

twin share (max 2 ppl)

ËEnsuite with Mini-fridge ËTV & DVD Player in the Chill Room ËShopping Centre & Supermarket next door ËTour Booking Service

BAREFOOT LODGE LONG ISLAND

Airlie Beach Hostel DORM BEDS FROM

$27

per person

max 4 ppl

PRIVATE ROOM

Barefoot Lodge guests have full access to the Long Island Resort’s facilities

FROM

$75

THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËSwim-up Pool Bar and Lap Pool ËAmazing Beach frontage ËSpa ËFish/Bird Feeding

ËGames Room Ë20 kms of Rainforest Walking Tracks ËDaily Activities and Nightly Entertainment ËSnorkelling

ËWatersports (additional charge) ËTour Booking Service ËFan Cooled Rooms ËTennis

Free Call:

1800 075 125 (Calls within Australia)

twin share

max 2 ppl

Cairns

.COM.AU

LONG ISLAND BAREFOOT LODGE

Townsville Airlie Beach

CLUB CROC HOSTEL

RECRUITMENT

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

:$17 72 ),1' $ -2%" Â&#x;OĂ?OÂ&#x;AĂ&#x192;cÂł Ă?Â&#x2013;lÂ&#x2013;OlĂ&#x192;Ă?Â&#x;yĂ?Ă?Â&#x2C6;lĂ? -" `Ă? Ă&#x2DC;Ă&#x2020;Ă?Ă&#x192;AÂ&#x2019;Â&#x2039;AÂ&#x203A;Ă? Â&#x;Â&#x203A;Ă?Ă&#x192;AYĂ?Ă?-Ă&#x192;Â&#x;ylĂ&#x2020;Ă&#x2020;Â&#x2039;Â&#x;Â&#x203A;AÂ&#x2019;Ă?"AÂ&#x203A;AÂ&#x20AC;lÂ&#x2013;lÂ&#x203A;Ă?Ă? Ă&#x2020;Ă&#x2020;Â&#x;YÂ&#x2039;AĂ?Â&#x2039;Â&#x;Â&#x203A;

To apply for these roles please e-mail your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Sydney Jobs

Apply to tc@freespirit.com.au

9LVLW XV DW /HYHO 3LWW 6WUHHW 6\GQH\

MEDIA SALES CONSULTANT $22 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLES)

CLAIMS $22 PER HOUR (3 MONTH ROLES)

Our client is a newly established on-line media agency seeking a number of experienced outbound call consultants to join their small but busy North Sydney media team.

Leading Australian Insurance company requires reliable travelers for contract role;

You will possess; â&#x20AC;˘ Excellent communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ Highly motivated individual â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Friendly personality This is a great role calling an existing client base. Full training provided.

â&#x20AC;˘ Must have Insurance Claims experience, Home & Content preferred â&#x20AC;˘ Strong Microsoft Office and communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ CBD location â&#x20AC;˘ Young and friendly team, nice offices â&#x20AC;˘ $22 plus super â&#x20AC;˘ Start now for 3 months with a view to extend to 6 months

TELESALES CONSULTANTS $21 PER HOUR

ACCOUNTS PAYABLE/RECEIVABLE $24-$26 PER HOUR

Our Client is seeking experienced Telesales Consultantâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s with the following criteria:

Do you have accounts payable/receivable experience?? We have clients in the city seeking candidates for immediate start.

â&#x20AC;˘ Minimum of 6 months call centre experience â&#x20AC;˘ English fluency â&#x20AC;˘ Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity â&#x20AC;˘ Strong experience with an aggressive sales attitude â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Financial Services Background would be a Bonus

The ideal candidate will; â&#x20AC;˘ Thrive in a busy environment â&#x20AC;˘ High attention to detail â&#x20AC;˘ At least 2 years experience â&#x20AC;˘ Ability to prioritize workload Assignments are up to 6 months paying $24-$26 an hour. To apply for these roles please email your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Already have a job and want more money? Call 1300 freespirit to ask us about LAFHA.

)RU PRUH MREV FDOO IUHHVSLULW RU YLVLW ZZZ IUHHVSLULW FRP DX

JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA THINK YOU’RE FUNNIER THAN US? BBM is looking for some new contributors. Want to get you work published in a National magazine and website whilst earning concert tickets, bar tabs, free travel trips, etc. Email ben. harlum@what-media.com or call 02 8231 7706

MELBOURNE PROMOTIONAL STAFF. call centre work available to promote electricity and gas. simple work and great money. full time training provided - no experience needed. melbourne work only. call Jerry on 03 9867 6322

SYDNEY TELEMARKETERS – SMILE WHILE YOU DIAL! Working Holidaymakers needed for our EASTERN SUBURBS OFFICE. Must be enthusiastic, confi dent, well spoken and able to follow instructions. No experience necessary - Full training given. Base + Commission + Bonus Paid Weekly. Call Steve Now on 1300 657 362

Call Centre - Travellers Wanted! Our Client is seeking travellers with fantastic customer service and sale skills for a 6-8 temp assignment. Your role will be generating leads on behalf of a well established global client through warm and cold calling. Paying $22 Plus Super If you think you are right for the role then please send your detailed resume to tc@freespirit.com.au

DATA ENTRY POSITIONS AVAILABLE NOW!

Working Holiday Makers needed for our EASTERN SUBURBS OFFICE. Must be Enthusiastic, have a Good Typing Speed, and able to Follow Instructions. Full Training Given. Paid Weekly. Call Steve Now on 1300 657 362

INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT

is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: Warehousing, Labouring, Stores, Process Work, Green card and safety boots are an advantage – however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email sarah@ industriousrecruitment.com.au or contact Sarah @ (02) 9270 5257

DATA ENTRY OFFICER – TRAVELLERS WELCOME!! Our Client is seeking an experienced Data Entry Offi cer with the following criteria: Minimum of 1 year work experience. English fl uency. Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity. Not on Student Visa. If you believe you are the right candidate for this role please forward your resume through to mailto:tc@freespirit.com.au

MARKETING & ADMIN ASSISTANT, CENTRAL SYDNEY. Sports TV Channel Setanta requires an offi ce all-rounder to sup port the marketing and programming managers and perform general offi ce and admin tasks. Must have good verbal and written communication skills and general computer skills. Interest in sport an advantage. 6 month position @ $18.20 per hour. Email CV and cover letter to setantaoz@setanta.com

Nurses, want an agency that looks after you?

Proudly UK & Irish Owned

24/7 is Sydney’s premier nursing agency, supplying staff to public & private hospitals across Sydney & rural Australia t t t t t t

)JHIFTU 1BZ 3BUFT JO 4ZEOFZ 'SFF 6OJGPSNT 8FFLMZ 1BZ #POVTFT 'MFYJCMF DIPJDF PG 4IJGUT 'BCVMPVT 4PDJBM $MVC 4QPOTPSTIJQ 0QQPSUVOJUJFT

The agency that looks after you!

Call: 13 000 247 247 info@247nursing.com.au www.247nursing.com.au

BBM-603 // JOB LISTINGS

ADULT EMPLOYMENT

KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road.

Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Training provided Discreet, Paid daily Flexible hours Foxtel and internet access for staff Friendly Female management Located in the heart of Sydney Earn $150+ per hour

NO SEX

www.sirs.com.au 80 ERSKINE ST. SYDNEY CBD

Female Masseurs Required $115 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team

92997771 (02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills www.nirvanasydney.com.au

261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au

BBM-603 // JOB LISTINGS

GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN!! BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE!! Female Masseurs required $115 p/hr Full training provided Immediate Start Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team

(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES

135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay www.atmichelles.com

JOB LISTINGS

-BEJFT SFR (VBSBOUFFE #VTJFTU E E #FTU 3BUF JO 4ZEOFZ 63(&/5 &"3/ , 1&3 4)*'5 1"*% %"*-: /P FYQFSJFODF SFRVJSFE GVMM USBJOJOH BOE GSFF BDDPNNPEBUJPO ,JOH 4U /FXUPXO 4U 1FUFST XXX BNPSF DPN BV

TRAVELLERS, STUDENTS & LOCALS Several vacancies exist @ our friendly well established full service parlour @ Darling Harbour. We have flexible shifts, caring female management, great pay ($150 p/ hr) and a very safe environment for sexy ladies.Great place for newcomers. Call 02 9660 5942 after 11am for a confidential chat. www.club121.com.au info@club121.com.au

219 Croydon ATTRACTIVE LADIES

WANTED Busy day time parlour Guaranteed big money Flexible shifts Immediate start

Please call or text 0404404742 219 Elizabeth St Croydon

TO ADVERTISE CALL

ON (02) 8231 7701 BBM-603 // JOB LISTINGS

ACCOMMODATION SYDNEY

MELBOURNE Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms in the heart of the city. Dorm beds single $40 per night or $180 per week, double rooms $80 per night OR $320 per week. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

Potts Point â&#x20AC;&#x201C; CLOSE TO CITY. Large Studio in garden complex. Close to Kings Cross station. Suitable for a couple. Fully furnished and equipped with everything you need including TV, linen, crockery, microwave etc. $375pw. Call 0425286445

FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park. Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

TO ADVERTISE HERE CALL BBM ON 02 8231 7701

$/.+!20%4 0TY ,TD $ , TRADING AS

#6:*/( 4&--*/( 3&/5*/( (PPE TFMFDUJPO PG $BST 8BHPOT 7BOT $BNQFSWBOT 8% 41&$*"-*454 0WFS WFIJDMFT JO TUPDL XJUI VQ UP #6: #"$, "MM XJUI DBNQJOH HFBS "MM WFIJDMFT GPS TBMF IBWF B (PWFSONFOU BQQSPWFE 3PBEXPSUIZ $FSUJmDBUF 1JOL 4MJQ JTTVFE CZ */%&1&/%&/5 .&$)"/*$4 OPU $PNQBOZ FNQMPZFFT MJLF NPTU DBS EFBMFST '3&& JOGPSNBUJPO XJUI UJQT GPS CVZJOH TFMMJOH BOE USBWFMMJOH 5SBOTGFS 3FHJTUSBUJPO GPSNT GPS BMM 4UBUFT '3&& "EWJDF PO 3FHJTUSBUJPOT 5SBOTGFST XIJDI 4UBUFT BSF DIFBQFTU FBTJFTU UP 5SBOTGFS BOE 3FHJTUFS '3&& .POUIT "VTUSBMJB 8JEF 8BSSBOUZ HVBSBOUFFF XJUI IS SPBETJEF BTTJTUBODF BWBJMBCMF PO NPTU WFIJDMFT DPOEJUJPOT BQQMZ /05 B LN XBSSBOUZ XIJDI HFUT ZPV BCPVU PG ZPVS XBZ BSPVOE "VTUSBMJB

*/463"/$& '3&&$"--

'SPN BOZXIFSF JO "VTUSBMJB 8F TFMM UIF POMZ LOPXO A/P &YDFTT SE 1BSUZ 1SPQFSUZ *OTVSBODF BWBJMBCMF UP USBWFMMFST GSPN 'PS BOE NPOUIT *OTVSBODF BWBJMBCMF FWFO JG ZPV CVZ B DBS GSPN BOPUIFS QMBDF BOE XJUIPVU ZPV IBWJOH UP UFMM MJFT UP HFU JU /08 */ 063 5) :&"3 0' 1655*/( 53"7&--&34 0/ 5)& 30"% $6450.&34 $"/ 5 #& 830/(

#063,& 45 800--00.00-00 /PU DPNJOH UP 4ZEOFZ 5IFO CVZ BOE TFMM POMJOF !

XXX DBSNBSLFU DPN BV BBM-603 // ACCOMMODATION

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY

SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com

PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL

428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

THE ROYAL HOTEL

370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS

MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE

BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

HUNTER VALLEY HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

KATOOMBA

KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

BYRON BAY

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS

NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE

LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE

TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad THE DECK 117 Harcourt St New Farm Brisbane 0433777061 the_deck@live.com.au Designed with the working Traveler in Mind Minimum 2 week stay BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433 BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

GOLDCOAST AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com

ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800 www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

NOOSA

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

HERVEY BAY

NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au

DREAMTIME TRAVELLERS REST 4 Terminus Street (corner of Bunda st.& Terminus st.) Cairns 4870 Queensland Ph:0740316753 info@dreamtimehostel.com www.dreamtimehostel.com GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

MISSION BEACH

ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

WHITSUNDAYS

BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH

MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1199 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

BBM-603 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE

Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

RAINBOW BEACH

PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH

WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS cnr Marine Parade & Eric St Cottesloe Beach Ph: 08 9384 5111 stay@oceanbeachbackpackers.com www.oceanbeachbackpackers.com ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966 madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au

EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA

MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

KUNUNURRA

KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

VICTORIA MILDURA REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP

BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au

www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com

Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au

BBM-603 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

BACK OF CHAPEL 50 Green St, Windsor Prahran, Vic 3181 Ph: 03 9521 5338 www.backofchapel.com NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com

$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au

ST. KILDA

OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au

Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply

Australia

JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

APOLLO BAY

APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN

CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 www.chillis.com.au ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS

CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au MAJESTIC MINIMA HOTEL 146 Melbourne Street North Adelaide SA 5006 Ph:(08) 8334 7766 minima@majestichotels.com.au www.majestichotels.com.au OUR HOUSE BACKPACKERS 33 Gilbert Place, Adelaide, SA, 5000 Ph: 08 8410 4788 Fax: 08 8410 6288 info@ourhousebackpackers.com www.ourhousebackpackers.com

HINDMARSH ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand CHRISTCHURCH

CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN

BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new fl ashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakefi eld Stree Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off fi rst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off fi rst night if you mention this ad

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfi ji.comwww beachcomberfi ji.com THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fi jibeachouse.co www.fi jibeachouse.co

SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfi ji.com Skype name: Smugglers Cove HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachfi ji.co

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandfi ji com THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacifi c Harbou P.O.Box 416 Pacifi c Habou Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.fi jinadibayhotel.com NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj

BBM-603 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

ADVENTURE SPORTS

SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA

COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com

The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au

Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au

Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

NEW ZEALAND

SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS

Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

FIJI

SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

SKYRAIL RAINFOREST CABLEWAY Cnr of Captain Cook Highway and Cairns Western Arterial Road, PO Box 888 Smithfield, Queensland, 4878 Ph: 07 4038 1555 Fax: 07 4038 1888 mail@skyrail.com.au www.skyrail.com.au GOING SOUTH Four days, two famous Aussie icons, one awesome tour Ph: 1800 009 858 www.goinsouth.com.au

TEMPTATION DOLPHIN SWIM Marina Pier, Holdfast Shores Marina Glenelg SA 5045 Ph: 0412 811 838 Fax: (08) 8353 0750 info@dolphinboat.com.au www.dolphinboat.com.au OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd,

BBM-603 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au

The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.

RAFTING

AUSTRALIA

OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au

Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au

HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA

BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au

KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA

KITESURF 1770 / IKO CER TIFIED KITEBOARDING SCHOOL/CENTRE 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@kitesurf1770.com.au www.kitesurf1770.com.au KITE REPUBLIC Shop: 10-18 Jacka Blvd. St.Kilda Sea Baths Complex, St.Kilda 3182 Melbourne, VIC Ph:(03) 95370644 Mob: +61 418583233 info@kiterepublic.com.au www.kiterepublic.com.au

MARINE CHARTERS AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE BAY CHARTERS 2 Jubilee Drive Port Lincoln, SA, 5606 Ph: 04 8842 8862 info@adventurebaycharters.com.au www.adventurebaycharters.com.au

KANGAROO ISLAND MARINE CHARTERS 9 Chapman Terrace, Kingscote, Kangaroo Island, SA Ph: 0427 315 286 Fax: 08 8553 0016 www.kimarineadventures.com

KAYAKING AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE KAYAKING 7 Hastings Street, Glenelg South, SA Ph: (08) 8295 8812 bookings@adventurekayak.com.au www.adventurekayak.com.au

BIKE RIDING AUSTRALIA

ESCAPE GOAT Adelaide, SA Ph: 08 8121 8112 0422 916289 info@escapegoat.com.au www.escapegoat.com.au

JET BOATING

NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET

The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

AUSTRALIA

JET BOAT EXTREME Behind Titanium Bar Ferny Avenue Surfers Paradise Queensland Ph: 0755388890 Mob: 0404099981 info@jetboatextreme.com.au www.jetboatextreme.com.au

ROLLERBLADING

SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Chris@surfingaustralia.com http://www.surfingaustralia.com

Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience

MOJOSURF 2/9 Marvel Street Ph: 02 6639 5100 reservations@mojosurf.com http://mojosurf.com Living the dream… SANCTUARY SURFERS 201 Waymouth Street Adelaide South Australia 5000 Ph: 0403 134 478 luke.j.d@gmail.com www.sanctuary.net.au SURFSHACK IS AN ACCREDITED SURF SCHOOL Lessons from $50 for 2 hours Lake Entrance Surf Shack 507 Esplanade Ph: 03 5155 4933 Mallacoota Surf Shack 41 Maurice Avenue Ph: 03 5158 0909 www.surfshack.com.au

JUNGLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS PO Box 117 Port Douglas, Queensland Ph: 07 4098 0043 info@junglesurfing.com.au www.junglesurfing.com.au

RIVER BOARDING NEW ZEALAND

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797 www.riverboarding.co.nz

SHARK EXPEDITIONS AUSTRALIA

AUSTRALIA

ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022

RODNEY FOX EXPEDITIONS 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, Adelaide, South Australia, 5070 Ph: (08) 8363 1788 www.rodneyfox.com.au

GLACIER GUIDING

BUNGY JUMPING

Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz

AJ HACKETT CAIRNS Mc Gregor Road Smithfield, QLD 4878 Ph: (07) 4057 7188 Free call: 1800 622 888 (Aus only) Cairns.reception@ajhackett.com www.cairns.ajhackett.com

NEW ZEALAND

AUSTRALIA

Take a breathtaking guided trip on the West Coast’s longest and less crowded glacier amidst fascinating ice formations with NZ’s most experienced glacier guiding company. Offering a full range of trips to suit all fitness levels.

SURFING AUSTRALIA

SURF CAMP AUSTRALIA 235 CLARENCE ST, SYDNEY PH: (02) 9262 1757 www.surfcamp.com.au

CRYSTAL BALLS

Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week

long in the field. You’ve gone

Herald have a field day with

Daniels hypnotises you and

native.

the headline ‘The Kutcher of

forces you to commit a string of

Baghdad’.

armed robberies up and down the east coast.

We’re afraid there’s no way back from here friend. You’ll be

Virgo

porking beasts of the night for

YOU know how your mum

Your pleas of ‘Daniels made me

the rest of your life.

booted you out of the house

do it!’ fall on deaf ears at your

when you were 16 because you

court hearing. You’ll never see

Gemini

kept spending all your pocket

daylight again.

THE GHOST of deceased

money on bongo mags and she

reality TV star Jade Goody

yelled “you’ll never amount to

Capricorn

Aries

takes control of your body on

anything you little wanker!”

IT’S six months since you

YOU sir are a true hero. Your

Thursday and you spend the

mate has been eyeing up that

rest of the week trying get in

Well the joke’s on her because

you’re suddenly overwhelmed

fit bird behind the bar in PJ

touch with Max Clifford to see if

all that hand-pumping has

with a fear that you left the

O’Brien’s for ages but never

he can sell the story of your life

given you Paula Radcliffe style

oven on in your flat in Britain.

had the balls to go up to her

in limbo to OK! Magazine.

stamina in the sack and you

because she’s always chatting to her right fucking minger of

Cancer

a mate.

YOU are beaten to death with

arrived in Oz but, this week,

land a lucrative role in porn

You spend $2500 on a flight

soap opera ‘Up The Wrong ‘Un!’

back home just to check and come back a week later, poorer

a tennis racket by Marcos

Libra

in pocket but safer in mind...

Well, like the first rate wingman

Baghdatis. It’s on the telly and

AFTER a night on the Guinness

until you begin to have trouble

you are, you make a move on

everything.

followed by a rancid looking

remembering whether you

kebab you settle down for a

checked or not.

the ugly cow to give your mate an ‘in’ with the fit one. Do we

On the bright side, the sub-

hear wedding bells?

editors of the Sydney Morning

relaxing 4.30am dump. Before you know it, you’re

Herald have a field day with

Being the gross bitch you

$5000 lighter in the pocket and

Taurus

the headline ‘The butcher of

are, you wipe your arse and

back at Heathrow – which is

JUST like this week’s Aries,

Baghdatis’.

check the sheet of loo paper

when you realise you never had

to assess the current messy

an oven in the first place, just a microwave and a toaster.

you’re an ace wingman with no less than 27 successful fugly

Leo

state of your behind – and are

missions notched onto your

YOU are Punk’d by actor/idiot

amazed to see the image of our

rather battered bedpost.

Ashton Kutcher who, hilariously,

Lord Jesus Christ!

You’re so good that random

fight in Iraq.

people on Facebook get in

Aquarius ANCIENT spirits of evil,

gets you consripted and sent to You resolve to take the sheet

transform this decayed form,

back to the bedroom and sell

into Mumm-Ra, the Ever, Livvviiiinnnngggggg!!!!

touch asking for your legendary

After three months on the

your story to the papers the

self-sacrificing services.

frontline, and still unaware it’s all

next morning. Unfortunately

a big prank, your legs are blown

you roll onto it in the night and

Pisces

Alas, this week, it all begins to

off during a brutal firefight with

wake up with a load of foul-

THE WEEK is going normally,

unravel. It starts as it always

Al Qaeda insurgents.

smelling half-digested kebab

everything seems fine – until

shit stuck to your face.

Thursday when you pick up a

does, with you chatting to a hairy ugly backpacker from

It’s at this point Ashton springs

Eastern Europe with more

his surprise with a yell of

Scorpio

crazy rampage through town.

armpit hair than the inhabitants

“you’ve been Punk’d dawg!”

NEVER cross a hot but

Strangely, you only stab women

of Taronga Zoo’s gorilla

and hostilities temporarlily

deranged German backpacker

who fancy gay blokes.

enclosure. Only this time, you

cease as the two forces fall to

who has access to garden

start to get aroused.

the floor laughing.

shears. That’s all we’re saying.

Yes, your worst fears have

On the bright side, the sub-

Sagittarius

have a field day with the headline

come true. You’ve spent too

editors of the Sydney Morning

AGEING magic man Paul

‘The Butcher of fag hags’.

carving knife and go on a kill-

On the bright side, the sub-editors of the Sydney Morning Herald

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ASK CRYSTAL I know everything there is to

succumbed to my charms and

make her life easier and only

know about women and contrary

spread her legs.

giving you the odd shag to keep

to popular belief they can’t get

you sweet.

enough of it when their men

At first it was great, but the last

dress up in lace panties and little

few weeks have been shite as

Well this can’t go on. Be a man

dresses.

she only puts out once a week

and tell her straight that if she

and – due to her terrible English

wants you to continue your role

I think you’ll find that if you bring

– makes me do absolutely

as an unpaid translator, she’s

Dear Crystal,

the conversation up with your

everything for her.

going to have to sweat for it.

I HAVE an admission to make

macho mates down the pub

– I love dressing up in women’s

they will all admit to having their

I’m beginning to wonder if it’s

Some translators we know get

clothing and take any chance

favourite pair of French knickers.

all worth the hassle and all my

paid about $2,000 a week. So

I can get to put my girlfriend’s

In fact, why not suggest a

mates are telling me to get rid.

you are effectively paying that for

sexy underwear on.

dress-up dinner party with your

What do you reckon?

one shag. Paul, Perth

pals and their wives. They will The problem is she doesn’t know

absolutely love it. Trust me.

a thing and might hit the roof if

Me and my friend Edna will give

Dear Paul,

you 400 shags for that. It’s time

she knew she what was going

Dear Crystal,

OH DEAR, you poor little thing.

to teach the clog-wearing frigid

on. What should I do?

I MET a hot Dutch chick at a bus

It sounds like she has mistaken

bitch the value of a dollar.

stop and, as I can speak Dutch,

you for a complete and utter

we started chatting.

sucker. If only she’d return the

Anonymous, Brisbane

Dear Anonymous,

favour.

THIS is a common problem, but

We then went out on a couple

there really is nothing to fear.

of dates and she eventually

She is obviously using you to

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail Crystal via. editor@britishballs.com

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

5HGĂ&#x20AC;RRU VHU 'UXP 0HGLD SUHVHQWV

Proudly P dly ssupporting upp pportingg

The Black Dog Institute t t

The The

KORA Vasco Era C.W Stoneking & & His His Primitive Primitive Horn Horn Orchestra Orchestra

The Bamboos Space Invadas

Custom Kings Resin Dogs Papa Vs Pretty Eagle & The Worm

Chase Chase The The Sun Sun Claude C l a u d e Hay Hay

FULL FU ULL WEEKEND ND T TICKE TICKET CKEET Including Inclu uding n g camping p g $$130 ava availablee via the web website. bsite bsite. (until sold out of course!) !)

Bowen Lucky Bo owen & The The Luck Lucky ucky Dutchmen Dutchme Dutchmen

www.thegumball.com.au g

JOKES I SELL balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it’s 15p. I’ve adjusted the price for inf ation. Peter, Coogee I PHONED up the f shing helpline today. I said, “I’m crap at f shing and need some tips.” The man said, “Okay, can you hold the line?” I said, “No, that’s why I’m calling.” John, Croydon I JUST bought a Monopoly set which had no instructions. What are the chances? Thomas, Brisbane I PROBABLY shouldn’t have driven home from the pub last night. Especially as I walked there in the f rst place. Jack, Bondi “GYMNASIUM” in ancient Greek means “naked exercise”. Try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First. Ted, Leeds I CAN’T help but think that if Jesus had smartened himself up for the trial, things could have turned out differently. Jimmy, Edgecliff

TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS

I’M not saying I’ve got a big cock but when I get a hard-on I haven’t got enough skin left to close my eyes. Frank, Redfern I SAT in the park last night, when a beautiful blonde came running after a dog which started sniff ng my leg. “Oh sorry!” she giggled. “He won’t bite whatever you do, I’ve just borrowed him for a walk because I’ve heard there’s this really sick pervert about.” “He won’t bite whatever the circumstances?” I asked. “That’s right,” she replied. So I knocked her out and fucked the dog up its arse. Jimbo, Cairns PUTTING on a sexy voice, my wife called me upstairs to the bedroom earlier. She was on the bed with her legs apart and a dirty look in her eyes. “Look what I found in the cupboard...crotchless panties,” she said as she seductively modelled them. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was one of my vests. Tim, Bristol WHEN I got depressed, I joined the Army. I just needed a soldier to cry on. Vlad, Manchester 70

IN TODAY’S lesson, my history teacher asked us to imagine a newspaper headline from Japan, 30 years on from the disaster. Judging by the look on her face, ‘Woman raped by man with two cocks’, wasn’t what she was looking for. Barney, Cronulla

at me. A woman in the house opened a window, and called out: “You’ll be OK, just kick his balls.” So I gave the mutt an almighty boot in the bollocks, dropping it to the ground. “No!” she shouted. “The ones on the front garden!” Paul, Dublin

THIS whole business about Wayne Rooney being a bad role model. If you think what a footballer does on TV has any inf uence on me, you can fuck off. Jamie, Bronte

I DO all my addition in my head. It’s the thought that counts. Dave, Parramatta

PEOPLE are calling Rebecca Black “the female Justin Bieber.” Which is a bit like calling someone “the gay Gok Wan.” Timothy, Perth

I KNEW this girl who wanted bigger boobs but couldn’t afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine. It would be great if I had a punchline to go with that story, wooden tit? Kyle, Randwick

I DON’T know why Fulham fans are complaining. I’m sure their statue was cheaper than the £50m Chelsea paid for theirs. Mac Daddy, Double Bay

MY girlfriend left me because, apparently, I’m “too kinky”. I nearly spat out her piss when she told me. Jim, Coogee

THERE are 26 million people in the UK who support Liverpool. Taxpayers. Roger, Randwick I ALWAYS hurt the ones I love the most. Probably because I’ve got a huge cock. Dexy, Surry Hills IF YOU know the periodic symbol for Nobelium, Vanadium, Silver, Iodine and Sodium, you get.... No VAgINa. Peter, Coogee I WAS having the best sex I’ve ever had with my wife when the doctor walked in and said, “Look, I know this is an emotional time but it really is time to turn off her life support”. Phil, Perth AS A teenager reading porno mags, my favourite shot was where she was draped seductively on the bonnet of a car. Much later, I saw it in real life but it wasn’t nearly as sexy as I remembered. In fact, after the second wank, I got bored and called an ambulance. Frank, Essendon I WAS delivering mail on my post round this morning when, at one house, a big dog came growling BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE PlWDL+/-Pts Manchester United3119933666 Arsenal3017853059 Manchester City3116872356 Chelsea3016772955 Tottenham Hotspur3013116750 Liverpool3113612445 Everton319148141 Bolton Wanderers31101011040 Newcastle United3110912239 Fulham318149338 Stoke City3111515-238 Sunderland3191111-938 West Bromwich Albion319913-1436 Blackburn Rovers319715-1234 Birmingham City3071310-1234 Aston Villa3181013-1434 Blackpool319616-1833 West Ham United3171113-1532 Wolverhampton Wanderers319517-1732 Wigan Athletic3161312-2231

Tables do not include Friday night’s results.

LEAGUE 1

CHAMPIONSHIP PlWDL+/-Pts Queens Park Rangers39221344079 Norwich City39191372170 Cardiff City39199111766 Swansea City39206131666 Leeds United39171391264 Reading39161582163 Nottingham Forest39151591060 Millwall391512121257 Burnley38151211657 Watford391511131256 Hull City39141411356 Leicester City3916815056 Portsmouth3915915054 Bristol City3915816-353 Ipswich Town3915717052 Barnsley39121116-1247 Coventry City3912918-745 Middlesbrough3812917-845 Derby County3912819-844 Doncaster Rovers39111117-1944 Crystal Palace3911919-2142 Sheffi eld United399822-283 Preston North End3981021-2334 Scunthorpe United3910425-4134

PlWDL+/-Pts Brighton and Hove Albion3925954284 Huddersfi eld Town4021109247 Southampton3821893771 Peterborough United40217122670 Milton Keynes Dons FC4019813665 AFC Bournemouth401712112063 Rochdale391613101061 Leyton Orient391612111060 Brentford3916716-355 Exeter City40151015-1055 Colchester United40141214-354 Charlton Athletic40141115-353 Carlisle United39141015152 Hartlepool United4014917-1651 Sheffi eld Wednesday4014818-15 Oldham Athletic40121414-650 Yeovil Town3913818-1347 Tranmere Rovers39111018-1443 Bristol Rovers40111019-2943 Notts County3812620-1042 Dagenham & Redbridge39101118-1341 Walsall39101019-1640 Swindon Town4071419-1935 Plymouth Argyle3912720-2033

LEAGUE 2 PlWDL+/-Pts Chesterfi eld4022126357 Wycombe Wanderers401911101368 Shrewsbury Town401812101866 Bury391811102765 Stevenage Football Club401712111963 Accrington Stanley40161591363 Torquay United401614102062 Gillingham40151691161 Port Vale40161212360 Rotherham United401611131459 Oxford United4016816056 Crewe Alexandra401510151855 Aldershot Town40121711-453 Southend United40141016352 Bradford City3914520-1247 Cheltenham Town40121117-1947 Morecambe40121018-1346 Macclesfi eld Town40121018-164 Hereford United40111316-1746 Lincoln City4013720-2546 Northampton Town4091615-943 Burton Albion38101117-1541 Barnet4091120-1938 Stockport County4081121-4535

OTHER LEAGUES

FOCUS ON... THE CONFERENCE PlWDL+/-Pts Crawley Town40271035191 AFC Wimbledon41238102977 Luton Town39201273672 Wrexham41191391270 Fleetwood Town411812111766 Kidderminster Harriers40191471566* York City40171211463 Newport County41151511760 Rushden & Diamonds40151114856 Bath City40141412−156 Darlington391316101355 Grimsby Town39131412853 Mansfi eld Town381581545 Kettering Town42131316−752 Gateshead39121413250 Cambridge United41101516−745 Barrow40101317−1443 Tamworth41101318−1743 Southport41101219−1042 Hayes & Yeading United4112623−2842 Forest Green Rovers4191418−1841

SCOTTISH PREMIER PlWDL+/-Pts Celtic2922434670 Rangers2922253768 Heart of Midlothian3118581659 Dundee United3113108549 Kilmarnock31137111046 Motherwell3213415-743 Inverness Caledonian Thistle309912136 St. Johnstone3181013-1834 Hibernian319616-1633 Aberdeen319418-1831 St. Mirren317717-2128 Hamilton Academical3121019-3516

DESPITE the fact they’re led by ‘cheating’ Steve Evans, it looks like congratulations are in order for Crawley Town - who could well clinch promotion to the football league for the f rst time in the club’s history this weekend. A win at Tamworth tonight, or if AFC Wimbledon and Luton slip up, will see Crawley conf rmed as champions of the Blue Square Premier League. “If we don’t win it we’ll try again against Luton the following Tuesday,” said Evans, while shoving loads of stolen tax money into his big brown overcoat.

SERIE A PlWDL+/-Pts AC Milan3119843265 Napoli3119572062 Internazionale3118672160 Udinese3117592456 Lazio3116691054 AS Roma311489450 Juventus311399948 Palermo3113414-543 Fiorentina3110129442 Cagliari3112613142 Bologna31111010-640 Genoa3110912-539 Chievo3181211-236 Catania319814-1135 Sampdoria3171113-932 Parma3171113-1332 Lecce318716-1931 Cesena317915-1630 Brescia317816-1229 Bari314819-2720

PlWDL+/-Pts FC Barcelona3026316781 Real Madrid3023434773 Valencia CF3017671157 Villarreal CF3016681754 Athletic Bilbao3014313545 Sevilla FC3013611245 RCD Espanyol3014115-543 Atlético Madrid3012612442 Levante UD3011514-738 RCD Mallorca3011514-938 Racing Santander309912-1436 Osasuna309813035 Sporting Gijón3081111-735 Real Sociedad3011217-1135 Getafe CF309714-834 Deportivo La Coruña3081012-1534 Real Zaragoza307914-1430 Hércules CF308517-2029 Málaga CF308517-2329 UD Almería3051114-2026

MARKETING & ADMIN ASSISTANT

A marketing and admin assistant is required for leading sports TV channel Setanta www.setanta.com.au With your marketing and office experience you’ll provide support to the marketing department performing a wide range of tasks and disciplines. Six-month role paying $18.20 per hour! Duties will include: · Updating and distributing programme and fixture information · Responding to customer enquiries by both phone and email; · Managing the official Facebook and Twitter sites; · Keeping the website up-to-date including writing articles and general maintenance;

· Banking cheques received and handling petty cash; · Be ﬁrst contact for all incoming calls and visitors; · Managing the incoming and outgoing Mail; · Assisting in the preparation of various promotional materials including drafting copy; sourcing images and liaising with external graphic designers;

If you have excellent written and verbal communication skills along with great computer skills (preferable in an Apple Mac environment) using Word, Excel and Email then they would love to hear from you. An interest in sport, particularly Football (Soccer) would be advantageous. The role will run for six months on a salary of $36,000 a year, ie $18.20 an hour! Apply today for this fantastic role in the heart of Sydney! Email your CV and cover letter to

LA LIGA

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

setantaoz@setanta.com

SCOREBOARD FOOTBALL RESULTS Thursday, 7 April Uefa Europa League Benfi ca 4-1 PSV Eindhove Dynamo Kiev 1-1 Braga FC Porto 5-1 Spartak Moscow Villarreal 5-1 FC Twente Wednesday, 6 April Uefa Champions League Barcelona 5-1 Shakhtar Donetsk Chelsea 0-1 Man Utd Clydesdale Bank Premier League Celtic 3-1 Hibernian Motherwell 2-1 Dundee Utd St Mirren 3-2 Aberdeen Blue Square Bet North Eastwood Town 2-0 Droylsden Scot-Ads Highland Football League Forres Mechanics 4-1 Clachnacuddin Rothes 0-0 Turriff United Tuesday, 5 April Uefa Champions League Inter Milan 2-5 Schalke 04 Real Madrid 4-0 Tottenham Npower Championship Reading 2-1 Preston Npower League One Bristol Rovers 1-0 Bournemouth Dag & Red 0-2 Peterborough Leyton Orient 2-0 Plymouth Notts County 1-2 Rochdale Sheff Wed 4-0 Tranmere Southampton 2-0 Charlton Npower League Two Accrington Stanley 3-1 Southend Burton Albion 1-1 Northampton Hereford 0-0 Wycombe Macclesfi eld 0-1 Bradfor Clydesdale Bank Premier St Johnstone 0-2 Rangers Blue Square Bet Premier Histon 0-2 Rushden & D’mnds Luton 2-2 Kettering Mansfi eld 2-2 Southpor Newport County 2-1 Darlington York 1-1 Crawley Town Scottish First Division Cowdenbeath 2-1 Ross County Morton 2-0 Stirling Scottish Second Division Brechin 1-2 Airdrie Utd Forfar 3-2 Ayr Scottish Third Division Clyde 1-1 Montrose Blue Square Bet North AFC Telford 5-0 Corby Alfreton Town 6-0 Guiseley Redditch 0-0 Solihull Moors Stalybridge 0-0 Blyth Spartans Blue Square Bet South Boreham Wood 0-2 Braintree Town Eastleigh 0-3 Farnborough Hampton & Richmond 0-3 Bishop’s Stortford Staines Town 0-2 Ebbsfl eet Unite Woking 2-1 Dorchester Monday, 4 April Npower Championship QPR 3-0 Sheff Utd Blue Square Bet Premier Gateshead 1-1 Bath City Blue Square Bet North Worcester 2-2 Stafford Rangers Blue Square Bet South Basingstoke 3-4 Maidenhead Utd Havant and W 0-0 Dover Sunday, 3 April Barclays Premier League Fulham 3-0 Blackpool Man City 5-0 Sunderland Clydesdale Bank Premier League Hibernian 2-2 Hearts Johnstone’s Paint Trophy Brentford 0-1 Carlisle FA Women’s Premier League Barnet Ladies 3-0 Leeds Ladies Millwall Lionesses 2-3 Sunderland Ladies Saturday, 2 April Barclays Premier League Arsenal 0-0 Blackburn

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM `

Birmingham 2-1 Bolton Everton 2-2 Aston Villa Newcastle 4-1 Wolverhampton Stoke 1-1 Chelsea West Brom 2-1 Liverpool West Ham 2-4 Man Utd Wigan 0-0 Tottenham Npower Championship Bristol City 1-0 Doncaster Burnley 1-2 Ipswich Cardiff 4-1 Derby Coventry 2-0 Watford Crystal Palace 2-1 Barnsley Hull 0-1 Millwall Leeds 4-1 Nott’m Forest Middlesbrough 3-3 Leicester Norwich 6-0 Scunthorpe Preston 2-1 Swansea Reading 2-0 Portsmouth Npower League One Charlton 3-1 Leyton Orient Exeter 2-1 Dag & Red Notts County 0-2 Oldham Rochdale 2-2 Brighton Sheff Wed 2-1 Colchester Southampton 3-2 MK Dons Swindon 1-1 Hartlepool Tranmere 0-2 Huddersfi eld Yeovil 0-1 Bristol Rovers Npower League Two Accrington Stanley 3-1 Northampton Burton Albion 1-4 Barnet Bury 3-0 Oxford Utd Chesterfi eld 2-0 Port Val Crewe 8-1 Cheltenham Gillingham 0-0 Hereford Rotherham 0-1 Morecambe Shrewsbury 4-1 Macclesfi el Southend 0-0 Aldershot Stevenage 2-1 Bradford Torquay 2-0 Lincoln City Wycombe 2-0 Stockport Clydesdale Bank Premier League Motherwell 2-1 Aberdeen Rangers 2-3 Dundee Utd St Johnstone 0-0 Kilmarnock St Mirren 3-1 Hamilton Blue Square Bet Premier AFC Wimbledon 2-0 Barrow Altrincham 2-2 Cambridge Utd Bath City 1-0 Gateshead Crawley Town 1-0 Darlington Fleetwood Town 2-1 Tamworth Histon 0-3 Forest Green Kettering 1-1 York Kidderminster 3-3 Luton Mansfi eld 2-1 Rushden & D’mnd Newport County 2-1 Grimsby Southport 1-3 Eastbourne Boro Wrexham 0-2 Hayes & Yeading Scottish First Division Cowdenbeath 0-1 Dunfermline Morton 2-2 Falkirk Partick Thistle 0-0 Queen of South Raith Rovers 2-1 Dundee Stirling 0-2 Ross County Scottish Second Division Ayr 1-1 East Fife Dumbarton 2-2 Alloa Forfar 1-1 Stenhousemuir Livingston 0-0 Brechin Peterhead 2-4 Airdrie Utd Scottish Third Division Albion 3-0 Arbroath Annan Athletic 1-0 Clyde East Stirling 3-2 Queen’s Park Montrose 1-0 Elgin Stranraer 3-1 Berwick Blue Square Bet North Alfreton Town 4-0 Droylsden Boston Utd 1-0 Worcester Eastwood Town 3-0 AFC Telford Gainsborough 2-1 Hyde Gloucester 0-3 Nuneaton Guiseley 1-0 Solihull Moors Hinckley Utd 5-1 Blyth Spartans Stafford Rangers 1-1 Harrogate Town Stalybridge 2-1 Workington Vauxhall Motors 2-1 Redditch Blue Square Bet South Basingstoke 1-2 Ebbsfl eet Unite Braintree Town 1-1 Dorchester Dover 2-0 Bishop’s Stortford Farnborough 2-2 Bromley Hampton & Richmond 0-0 Boreham Wood Havant and W 1-2 Chelmsford Lewes 1-0 Maidenhead Utd Staines Town 0-5 Eastleigh

FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS! CHECK out BBM’ s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.pr emierleague.com for all the latest r esults and standings. T able below was up to date at time of going to press.

Prizes

(in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $400 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100

# TEAM MANAGER GW

TOT

1 alovelycupoftea James Horrocks 54

1774

2 Dizzying Heights FC Siva Iyer 60

1724

3 Stop, Hammertime! Paul Steadman 45 4 every week you dan magee 56

1678

5 Alan’s Deep Bath jason kerley 45 6 Alcohol Fc Ron f 44

1707

1656

1626

7 Rootin & Tootin Oisin Coveney 66

1592

8 TippytappyFC Richie Egan 41

1585

9 Mukin Fagic Luke Gately 45

1582

10 Holy-family ‘B’ team Pat Mustard 57

1574

11 bobby dazzlerz tom mcelwain 45

1556

12 Red Incas Mark Stansfi eld 61

1550

13 Evertonian John Armitage 34

1545

14 ur ma’s athletic brian o gorman 37

1524

15 Insert Name Here Utd Richard Gadsby 58 16 Tallulah Neil Weaver 41

1520

17 Lovely Football Team raymond doherty 52 18 Arsenal Brian Harvey 34 19 The Roosters Steven Cairns 34 20 fi sty cuffs fc Marc Roche 31

1523

1519

1516 1499 1497

New Entry Ranking Increased Ranking stayed Ranking Fell the same

WORLD SPORT IRELAND STUMPED BY ENGLISH CRICKET: In a pre-emptive move to stop themselves being humiliated again, England’s cricket board have tried to gag Irish players from talking about the decision to prevent Ireland playing at the next World Cup in 2015.

their trade in county cricket (i.e. all of them) not to go mouthing off or there could be consequences. The fury among cricket’s smaller nations at being denied even the chance to qualify for the 2015 showpiece in Australia and New Zealand shows no sign of dying down and Ireland coach Phil Simmons yesterday added his voice to the outrage.

Only 10 countries will compete at the next tournament following a decision to restrict the competition to Testplaying nations only. And the ECB warned all Irish players plying

“Monday was a dark day for cricket but a great day for greed and fear,” Simmons said, in a no-way over the top statement. He then read from The Book of Revelations with a big ‘the end is nigh’ sign around his neck.

POUL THE OTHER ONE TIGER

BOHM GOES OFF SWIMMING: While BBM has a somewhat chequered history when it comes to scantily-clad teenagers who suddenly black out (all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence, you can’t prove anything), for once we had nothing to do with Aussie swimming sensation Emily Seebohm’s sudden collapse last week. Moments after winning silver in the 100m backstroke at the Australian Swimming Championships, the 18year-old passed out and fell to the f oor. “The last thing I remember is walking down and turning the corner and then I woke up on oxygen and in a wheelchair,” said the Commonwealth champion, in a statement that sounds suspiciously similar to the one we heard in court all those years ago (once again – nothing was proven).

GOLF: Things reached a new low for Tiger Woods ahead of this weekend’s Masters with the news that even nobodies like Ian Poulter are feeling suitably emboldened to take pot shots at him.

MURRAY IN NO HURRY

Woods (pictured left with ex-wife Elin Nordegren) was second favourite heading into the tournament, behind Phil Mickelson, despite not winning shit for 16 months.

TENNIS: Tartan twat Andy Murray is going to use the coaches involved in sponsor Adidas’s player development programme following his split from coach Alex Corretja last month.

However, Poulter, seeking his maiden major, said: “I don’t think he’ll f nish in the top f ve.” Woods wasn’t happy. “Well, Poulter is always right, isn’t he?” he whinged. “My whole idea is to try to win the golf tournament and that’s what I’m trying to do.” So is that not what you’ve been trying to do for the last 16 months Tiger?

NOVAK CANES THE LOT

Murray said it was only short-term solution while he looked for a suitable full-time coach – but at least this way he’ll have numerous people to blame when he chokes in a Grand Slam again. “It’s not the f x to what I’m looking for,” said the 23-year-old, presumably because you can’t f x people being more talented than you.

HAMMING IT UP

TENNIS: What the hell’s got into Novak Djokovic? This time last year he was on a par with Andy Murray in terms of being occasionally good enough to get to a major f nal – only to be spanked by either Nadal or Federer.

FORMULA ONE: It’s the Malaysian Grand Prix this weekend and if you think it’s too early in the season for Formula One to be interesting, you’d be dead right.

Fast forward to 2011 and the Serb is demolishing anyone unlucky enough to get in his way. The Djoker is still unbeaten this year following another win over Nadal in the Sony Ericsson Open f nal last week, his fourth straight title of the year.

The biggest news of the week is Red Bull ‘might’ have a ‘minor interest’ in taking Lewis Hamilton off McLaren’s hands… in a few years.

So far he’s won 24 straight games in 2011 - the best start to a year in men’s tennis since Ivan Lendl began with 25 consecutive victories in 1986. “I think he’ll be number one,” said Nadal (right) injecting yet more steroids into his crippled knees. 74

“I am committed to the team, committed to winning,” said Hamilton, who must have the same intern as Charlie Sheen. “This is where my heart and mind are. I’m not thinking about going elsewhere.”

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

FOOTBALL

VIEWS

NO PLAY, JOSE DON’T be fooled by managers and their so called “injured” players. With the race to Wembley and the Champions League f nal fast approaching, many managers (aka Jose Mourinho) are claiming they do not have a full squad and may have to risk their player’s health to progress in the competition. Oh please, there is only one manager who would really risk his player’s health, and that is Arsene Wenger, who has unsuccessfully done it countless times over the years. Before the match with Spurs, Mourinho (right) said he would be ‘risking’ stars like Cristiano Ronaldo and Marcelo Vieira by playing them in the Champions League. As it turned out, they were so injured they were able to play the whole 90 minutes. He also claimed he does not have a big enough squad - yet Gonzalo Higuian and Kaka are on the bench. A squad like that should be winning games by f ve goals, as opposed to the paltry four they managed to stick past Harry’s Redknapp’s boys. Admittedly, Madrid had help from Peter Crouch who thought 15 minutes into the game would be a great time to let those lanky legs f y into any player within a f ve-metre radius. Inevitably, Harry was left with only ten men. For a match everyone was mildly excited about, it proved to be such a let down. - Lorna Evio

QUOTES OF THE WEEK “If they don’t understand and don’t believe in things I believe in they can go to Chelsea. They can go anywhere else.” Mohamed Al Fayed flies off the wall and tells Fulham fans who don’ t appreciate his Michael Jackson statue to beat it.

“At Arsenal the fans loved me, I think even today they love me.” Emmanuel Adebayor is drowned out by the sound of hysterical laughter in North London.

“The staff of the aquarium will teach him to see the future, like the German octopus Paul. First, Pavlik hopped on the Ukrainian mussels, but then he ate the Spanish. Moreover, he ate both mussels, which meant that Bar ca would score at least two goals.” Victor Zhilenko, director of the Alushta Aquarium in Ukraine, unveils Pavliik the Octopus with a rather generous dose of acclaim.

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

ADEBAYOR SPURRED ON Racist? Sexist? Xenophobic? Really fucking random? A lot of tags have been slapped on the chant that Spurs fans sang to Emmanuel Adebayor in the Champions League this week – mainly by high-horse riding Guardian readers – but it seems no action will be taken by UEFA following the incident. Kick It Out chairman Lord Ouseley summed it up best by claiming the song “wasn’t racist” but was “abusive” and had “racial undertones to it”. For those who haven’t heard it, the chant is sung to the tune of Sloop John B and goes… “Adebayor, Adebayor – his dad washes elephants, his mum is a whore.” You can debate whether it’s wrong or right, we’re staying out of it. The Spurs song may be a grey area but it was a clear-cut case of pure-scum racism in Russia when a Zenit St Petersberg fan offered Roberto Carlos a banana recently. Zenit have been f ned £6,130 by the Russian Football Union and the fan has been banned for life. Rat-tailed wonderkid Neymar was sent off after scoring a brilliant individual goal in the Copa Libertadores – for wearing a mask of himself. The 19-year-old Brazilian grabbed the mask from a fan before returning to the pitch

to celebrate – and promptly picked up a second booking. From one teenage sensation to another, with news that prepubescent star Justin Bieber trained at Barcelona this week. The Catalan club played host to the irritating imp as he practised with Bojan Krkic, Thiago, Benja and B-team goalkeeper Ruben Mino. He was also spotted decked out in a full Barcelona kit while foolishly having a kickabout in Madrid – where are those Ultras when you need them? Carlo Ancelotti is presumably trying to provoke a f ght in the manner of a medieval knight after “questioning the courage” of the referee following Chelsea’s 1-0 Champions League defeat by Man United. “You need to have personality, courage and character,” whined Ancelotti. “Not always do referees have these kind of skills.” If ref Alberto Undiano Mallenco feels his honour has been suitably “besmirched” there could be a joust-off on the cards. Gareth Barry can expect to have a “kick me” sign sellotaped to his back any day now after schoolyard bully turned convicted criminal Joey Barton slagged him off

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE!

WEEKEND FIXTURES

for being a suck up to Fabio Capello. “Barry’s got a very good agent,” sniffed bully boy Joey. “He’s also discreet and always agrees with the manager. He’s like the guy who sits in the front row and listens to the teacher.”

Saturday 9th April Barclays Premier League Wolves v Everton Blackburn v Birmingham Bolton Wanderers v West Ham Chelsea v Wigan Athletic Man United v Fulham Sunderland v West Brom Tottenham Hotspur v Stoke City

Loudmouth Yank bucket chucker, LeBron James, is now a minority stakeholder in Liverpool after signing a deal with the club owners. “Eighteen championships? I see myself trying to do the same things they have,” he said while slamdunking a three-pointer from down town. Or something.

npower Championship Barnsley v Bristol City Derby County v Coventry City Doncaster Rovers v Cardiff City Ipswich Town v Crystal Palace Leicester City v Burnley Millwall v Leeds United Nottingham Forest v Reading Portsmouth v Preston North End Scunthorpe United v QPR Sheff eld United v Middlesbrough Watford v Hull City Swansea City v Norwich City

West Ham’s Nigerian star Victor Obinna was shocked to read widespread reports of his family being confronted by a gang of racists at Upton Park last week – largely because none of his relatives are in the country. “I do not have any of my family members in England. I didn’t have any of my relatives at the game and I do not know anyone who complained of any racial incident at the game,” he bemused.

npower League 1 Bournemouth v Tranmere Rovers Brentford v Swindon Town Brighton v Sheff eld Weds Bristol Rovers v Exeter City Colchester United v Rochdale Dagenham v Notts County Hartlepool United v Yeovil Town Huddersf eld v Peterborough Leyton Orient v Southampton MK Dons v Carlisle United Oldham v Charlton Plymouth Argyle v Walsall

Subbuteo’s Shaun Wright-Phillips wants to extend his Manchester City contract. “It feels like I am part of the furniture here,” he said, as Roberto Mancini sat on him.

with ace pundit Chris Kamara

A Sunderland fan is suing the club after being knocked unconscious by a stray shot from Djibril Cisse during a training session. The incident, which happened a couple of years ago, apparently led to a serious injury but the fan has only recently decided to press charges. “We had a supporter who got a bad injury, I think it was one of Djibril Cisse’s misses where he had a shot from 20 yards,” said chairman Niall Quinn. “I’m making fun of it now but it knocked a supporter out. It was quite serious. That supporter is in the process of suing us right now.” Unbelievable Jeff!

npower League 2 Aldershot v Shrewsbury Barnet v Crewe Alexandra Bradford City v Torquay United Cheltenham Town v Rotherham Hereford United v Chesterf eld Lincoln City v Gillingham Morecambe v Burton Albion Northampton Town v Bury Oxford Utd v Wycombe Port Vale v Southend United Stockport v Stevenage Borough Scottish Premier League Aberdeen v Hibernian Celtic v St Mirren Dundee United v St Johnstone Hearts v Motherwell Kilmarnock v Inverness Sunday 10th April Barclays Premier League Blackpool v Arsenal Aston Villa v Newcastle Scottish Premier League Hamilton v Rangers

More pencil-moustached punditry and footballing facts next week folks! 78

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

FOOTBALL

FEATURE

SUCH ROOD BEHAVIOUR THE subject of joy is one which has inspired many of the world’s greatest philosophical minds.

Wise words... moving words... words that pose as many questions about the human state as they answer.

Legendary Indian pacif st and cultural leader Mahatma Gandhi once said of happiness: “Joy lies in the f ght, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself”, while the famous German poet and playwright Johann Wolfgang von Goethe elaborated, arguing that: “Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though t’were his own.”

But never has the subject of joy been more succinctly put than last week, when an ecstatic Wayne Rooney stared down a live TV camera after scoring a hat-trick and yelled, “Fuckin’ what?! Fuck! Fuckin’ what?!” to a bemused audience of millions. At least that’s what we think the incoherent Shrek-a-like said - it was def nitely rude anyway. Oddly, the revelation that

Because as we all know, footballers never swear.

Rooney (above) isn’t exactly Stephen Fry when it comes to venting his vocabulary proved something of a shock for the FA who slapped a two-match ban on the ranting pantsman.

Naturally, Man United were a tad pissed off and when their appeal against the ruling died on its arse, Fergie’s men accused the FA of double standards – presumably because Rooney lets f y with a stream of expletives at referees every week and gets away with it. Still it got us thinking about all those other great foul-mouthed footballing unmentionables of yesteryear. We wonder where Rooney gets it from…

...TOP FIVE FUNNIEST FOUL-MOUTHED OUTBURSTS... ALEX FERGUSON DECEMBER 2006

United beat Middlesbrough after a controversial dive by Ronaldo gives them a crucial penalty. Sky’s Geoff Shreeves plucks up the courage to pick Alex Ferguson’s brains about the incident… Ferguson: Fucking bastard. Shreeves: Don’t talk to me like that. Ferguson: Fuck off to you. about it. Shreeves: Don’t talk to me like that. Don’t even think Right? off. Fuck twat. you it, about think Ferguson: Don’t you Good move Geoff...

STEPHEN BYWATER SEPTEMBER 2007

Derby’s cage-f ghting keeper was keen to pay tribute to his former mentor, Les Sealey, following his sudden death. During a live interview on Sky Sports, while recalling the best piece of advice Sealey had given him, Bywater tried to avoid saying the rudest word in the English language by cunningly spelling it out instead. He promptly told stunned Sky reporter Claire Tomlinson that Sealey once told him “don’t be a C.U.#.T. to yourself”. He’s been unoff cially banned from Sky interviews since.

RICHARD KEYS JUNE 2008

When he’s not ‘hanging out the back’ with Jamie Redknapp, Keys regularly f lls the airwaves with expletives. Unfortunately for him, a technical glitch meant his microphone was still on after he’d just ‘bigged up’ Scotland’s game against the Faroe Islands. So when the camera panned to a shot of the ground, Keys’ voice boomed out: “Daft little ground, silly game... fuck off.” 80

DEJAN SAVICEVIC OCTOBER 1999

Montenegro star Savicevic is being interviewed live on Dutch TV when a passing Croatian fan brands him a ‘piece of shit’. The camera is still rolling when Savicevic responds with: “I’ll fuck you in the mouth, yes in that gaping mouth. Come on you sissy c@nt. Suck my dick – wanker. Suck it you asshole. Come on. I’ll fuck you in that gaping mouth.” Ever the professional, Savicevic then continues the interview as though nothing has happened. He’s now the stuff of YouTube legend.

BRIAN CLOUGH THE LATE 80S

After running foul of Clough in their last meeting, commentator Elton Welsby probably thought he’d managed to escape controversy after successfully covering Nottingham Forest for an ITV live game. Several minutes after the game however, while delivering his live post-match summary to millions of viewers back home, Elton heard a familiar voice. “Young Welsby,” Clough announced. “Shithouse.” He then walked off. BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SPORT GUIDE

Contents PAGE 80 Football Feature: Footballers and their four-letter friends. PAGE 78 Football News: Spur me the controversy.

80 76 74

PAGE 76 Football Views: With Lorna Evio. PAGE 74 World Sport: Ireland already beaten by England in cricketâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 2015 World Cup. PAGES 72 & 73 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables.

BBM-603 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

COACH AND SELF DRIVE PACKAGES TO THE AUSTRALIAN AND NEW ZEALAND SNOW FIELDS

NEW ZEALAND + QUEENSTOWN + WANAKA + MT HUTT

AUSTRALIA + THREDBO + PERISHER

COACH SNOW TOUR SYDNEY/ACT WEEKEND

3 DAY MIDWEEK 6 DAY SNOW FIX

*$30 surcharge for July/August. *$20 surcharge for July/August.

COACH TO SNOW

SKI NZ QUEENSTOWN

FROM

FLY TO CANBERRA

*$30 surcharge for July/August.

*$10 surcharge for July/August.

Includes - 2 nights accommodation at the SNOWY VALLEY RESORT Jindabyne or the River Inn Thredbo - Return transport - Shuttle up and down the mountain each day - National Park fees - 3-course dinner - 2 x Hot breakfasts - Party Night - Saturday is party night!

Includes - 7 nights accomodation at Reavers - 5 day Xtreme Flexi Lift Pass or Queenstown Local Pass - Breakfast Daily - Group Dinner - Airport Pick Up - Nightly activities schedule

www.ozsnowadventures.com.au

Call: 1300 989 955