BBM Magazine 29th Jan 2011 by bbmlive.com

CONTENTS The Cover

Review

Regulars

FINALLY! - 22 “BBM have been trying to convince our boss, Old Man McMahon, to put Snooki and Pauly D on the cover for the past six months.”

EASY A - 26 “Not only is Emma Stone incredibly

Interview

Sport

PLAN B - 30 “You’ll have to deal with him. I’m unleashing my brother onto the public, he needs people who can understand his sense of humour.”

UFC 127 - 62 After practically blowing the

UK News Irish News World News Soaps Gossip The Wrap Reviews Interviews Sydney Melbourne Perth Recruitment Classifieds Hostel Listings Crystal Balls Ask Crystal & Jokes Sport

hot, she’s also really fun to watch as a rumour spreads throughout the school that she’s a bit of a whore.”

roof off Sydney’s Acer Arena, the UFC is coming back for seconds.

JOBS & ACCOMODATION

6 12 14 18 20 24 26 30 34 38 42 44 48 52 56 58 74

MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon

john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Ben Harlum

ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby

richard.gadsby@what-media.com

UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir

hannah.shakir@what-media.com

“

INTERNS Zuleika Lopez Guilleux, Stefan Zimmermann, Brian Weiss, Kara Christopher, Holger Synowzik

I JUST GOTTA GO IN AND BEAT HIM

HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard

design@what-media.com

“

CONTRIBUTORS David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Fernando Xavier, Bethan Hacking, Alexandra McIntyre, Jeremy Williams, Emma Mulliner, Hannah Allsopp, Ashley Moore, David Drummond, Sian Gammie, Alen Delic

WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber

BJ PENN

WEB DEVELOPMENT ASSISTANT Shefali Khanna ADVERTISING AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Mary Atkin mary.atkin@what-media.com

ADVERTISING Joe Smith

joe.smith@what-media.com

Dave Hudson James Marsh

BBM

BRITISH BALLS MAGAZINE

ADVERTISING & PROMOTIONS MANAGER Tom Shakir PO Box 784 Queen Victoria Building NSW 1230

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SALES AND MARKETING DIRECTOR Guchi Shakir PRINTED BY Spotpress

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UK NEWS A WHOLE LOTTO LUCK

THE timeless contrast of a proud grandparent holding his daughter’s newborn baby for the first time ... tears of pride dripping down a wrinkly cheek, the wizened smile of someone who’s lived for decades but can still find overwhelming beauty in a tiny grasping hand.

EVERY British bloke knows that Essex is the best place to ‘get lucky’. The girls there are easier than going first in a game of Connect One. Well now it’s official – the slapper-filled streets of Essex are the luckiest in the land. Just not in the shagging sense. New figures show that Ilford in Essex tops the poll of luckiest postcodes for winning the national lottery. No less than £87million has been paid out in big prizes in the IG postcode area.

Unless your name’s Josef Fritzl and you plan to shag that baby, BBM doesn’t usually see a problem in being over the moon about becoming granddad.

The second luckiest hotspot is Newcastle’s NE postcode with one in every 6,207 of its residents having bagged a jackpot prize.

AN ACT OF GOD WHEN will the world realise that old people and technology just don’t go together.

overnight and also inflicted £21,500-worth of damage on the church.

And tragedy struck again in Germany this week when a 76-year-old British pensioner and his wife placed a tad too much blind faith in their sat-nav system.

down, they did exactly as instructed - and ploughed straight into a village church near the Austrian border.

We’re not sure what they thought would happen if they drove into the wall… that maybe it would suddenly disappear to reveal the entrance to the bat cave? That it was the gateway to a subspace wormhole that directly linked Germany to junction 10 of the M6 near Walsall?

So when it directed them to turn right, despite their clearly being no road to turn

The accident wrote off the couple’s Renault, left the confused pair in hospital

Unsurprisingly, it turned out the sat-nav system was faulty. What a shock.

BBM’s dear old mammy tried to use a DVD player once… and lost a leg.

ONE ‘L’ OF A PAIR BBM doesn’t know Jack about bra sizes beyond the fact that it’s like exams in reverse. So F equals awesome, while an A means must try harder.

GRAND DESIGNS

thinking Dolly Parton on a bouncy castle territory.

So say hello to the bra equivalent of the A triple star – the L cup.

The ever sensitive Sun newspaper naturally decided to take a different angle on the story, by demonstrating which other day to day chores the bra would be good for.

British undie firm Bravissimo have just launched the nation’s biggest bra for ladies for whom the phrase “a bit of a handful” is a bit of an understatement. We’re

So in their usual tasteful manner they hired a page 3 girl to use them as a handbag, a hanging basket, a sieve - and even earmuffs. Nice.

This beautifully-worded, Pulitzer Prize-winning introduction to the story doesn’t quite sum up the situation in South Wales this week however – as a 29-year-old scrounger has just become Britain’s youngest granddad courtesy of his 14-year-old daughter. “I was 14 when my daughter was born - and now she’s having a baby,” said the layabout who can’t be named and, unsurprisingly, lives off benefits. “She is not the only girl at her school to become pregnant or to have a baby. “We don’t blame the lad who got her pregnant - it takes two.”

LIBERAL THINKING TORY whipping bitch Nick Clegg reckons Britain doesn’t need the five big banks and thinks we should break them up. What’s that? An ideologically applaudable plan that would fail miserably in the real world? Welcome back Lib Dems! How we’ve missed you. “We cannot tolerate a situation again where we have a banking system which is so large in relation to the size of our economy, that it becomes at one moment an asset and the next a massive liability,” said Clegg, who seems to think he can call himself a Lib Dem while ratifying right-wing policies – so long as he’s wearing a yellow tie as he does it.

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UK NEWS WITH THIS RING... ON THE list of romantic ways to propose, leaving a voicemail message probably ranks somewhere between ‘after coming home drunk’ and ‘while on the toilet’.

of Gateshead. “I was shocked, and had to listen to it again before the message sunk in. He sounded really young, only about 18. He said he would not be able to ring for another month, and that he wouldn’t be home for another three months.

And not only is the voicemail message not necessarily the greatest proposal story, it’s also open to mistakes. Like, say, if you accidentally dial the wrong number. So you can imagine the surprise of 44-year-old mum of three Diana Potts, when a young sounding squaddie based in Afghanistan left a message asking about her pregnancy and if she would marry him. Needless to say, she’s already married and isn’t pregnant. “The line was quite crackly,” said Diana

“He didn’t say where he was, but he talked about a ffriend being blown up, so I’d assume he is somewhere in Afghanistan.” Diana reckons the lovelorn lad is from nearby Sunderland and that his girlfriend’s number must be similar to hers. Nice to know they’re not just giving a gun to any old idiot who can’t read numbers eh?

get your TAX BACK

BESTED BY A PEST IN ONE of the daftest entrapment cases we’ve ever heard, a British woman is facing jail time after helping police catch a sex pest. Her crime? While working with the police, she sent the sex pest abusive Facebook messages. What a bitch! Businesswoman Amarjit Kaur Dhadli told cops she had been approached for sex on the social networking site by American computer engineer Qasem Ali. Officers asked her to tempt Ali into a hotel rendezvous, which she did, and he was promptly arrested. But then police turned the tables on Dhadli by checking her earlier “chat” with Ali, in which she rejected his advances and suggested he should have sex with his mum. Got what she deserved by the sound of it. Beheading’s too good for her.

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UK NEWS KATE’S DOUBLE TROUBLE IT SEEMS BBM isn’t the only one already pissed off with all this Prince William, Kate Middleton, royal wedding bollocks. Kate Middleton’s sick of it too.

And just to throw another spanner in the works, the common-asmuck Kate is going out with Jonathan Ross! No not that Jonathan Ross.

Not that Kate Middleton though, another woman called Kate Middleton from Northants - who’s royally pissed off because Facebook have suspended her account assuming she was some monarchy-baiting prankster.

“It was ridiculous because they obviously thought I was trying to impersonate Prince William’s Kate Middleton,” said peasant Kate. “But the profile picture is of me - and I clearly look nothing like her. Besides, William’s Kate is not even on Facebook.”

JELLEY’S JOY LUCKY Welsh pensioner John Jelley was shaking his belly in delight this week after winning £345,000 on a bet with Ladbrokes for a stake of just £9. The 88-year-old (left) placed his daily bet on the horses at Ladbrokes on Saturday, then forgot about it until he returned next day. The retired tradesman was shocked when staff told him his combination of singles, doubles and an each-way accumulator had scooped the jackpot. Now bachelor John plans to celebrate with a cruise just eight miles up the coast

from his home in Burry Port, South Wales - followed by his favourite supper of sausage and mash. John said: “I thought the staff were taking the mickey when they told me I was rich. “When they showed me the screen I just laughed. “I’ve only been betting three years, so I’m a novice. I’m too old to study form - I just liked the horses’ names.” Don’t be surprised to hear of John’s untimely death in a Bangkok backstreet from various STD related illnesses next month.

RAT’S LIFE IF YOU earned a living as a police informant, which is effectively dobbing in your criminal mates to keep the law off your own back, you’d probably want as few people to know about it as possible. For while BBM was raised believing that hardened criminals and repeat offenders are usually quite a jovial happy-go-lucky bunch as seen in the TV show Porridge, it turns out that they 10

tend to over-react a bit when they discover they’ve been ratted out by one of their own. So it perhaps wasn’t the smartest move for police in Bedford to name Domenico Masciopinto as an informant on Facebook. But then who are we to tell the police how to their job right? We’re sure the fact that he was shot in the chest four hours later was just a coincidence.

UP AND ATM USUALLY when you get something unexpected out of a cash machine, it’s a good thing. Not so for one unfortunate girl in London, who’s face has been ‘splashed’ around YouTube thanks to a prank. In the short YouTube video, a film crew is seen gathered around the corner from the tampered cash dispenser. As the woman starts to use the ATM, a torrent of a creamcoloured liquid is unleashed - several litres of it, from the looks of things. Moments later, the film crew rush to the woman and offer her a towel to clean herself up. Sounds suspiciously like BBM’s ideal night out. Apart from the cash machine bit.

ANOTHER PRICK IN THE WALL “WE don’t need no education,” sang Pink Floyd on their timeless hit Shaddapayaface by Joe Dolce. Well clearly their offspring weren’t listening after the son of legendary Pink Floyd guitarist Dave Gilmour was charged with violent disorder during December’s student fees protest. Charlie Gilmour is also accused of stealing a mannequin leg amid the violent scenes that struck central London. The Cambridge University student was among the thousands who protested in Trafalgar Square and Parliament Square on December 9 and was photographed hanging from a Union Jack flag on the Cenotaph during the march.

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IRISH NEWS IMAGINE THAT! IMAGINE there’s no possessions, I wonder if you can… In an ironic twist, Neil Lennon, the famous footballing son of Beatles legend John, was imagining life without possessions recently after a dispute over a three-million Euro loan from the Bank of Ireland.

The Cork TD was the front-runner in the race after Taoiseach Brian Cowen revealed his intention to stand down. It is believed Cowen stepped down because he’s an utter, utter twat.

The relieved Celtic boss (right) had to take time off from the side’s match with Hearts to fly to Dublin and settle the dispute, arriving at the High Court with fiancee Irene McCloy. Lennon could have been bankrupted by the proceedings but, true to form, the Irish bankers proved to be utter idiots saying they’d “lost” the guarantee papers that would have proven their argument. The bank claimed Lennon signed a personal letter of guarantee for the loan for E3,070,000 for his Rocket Developments Ltd company at Dublin Airport on February 24, 2006, in the presence of two bank officials. Unsurprisingly, the inept bank officials

realized they’d lost the guarantee in mid to late 2006 and asked Lennon to sign another one. Realising that without the signature, he could essentially walk away with E3,070,000 – Lennon refused. They’ve been arguing ever since. Now the matter has been settled out of court, for a fee believed to be substantially less than three million. And people wonder how the country ended up in shit creek.

WHAT’S HIS BEEF? POVERTYSTRICKEN Ireland’s return to caveman days has begun, with the country currently passing through the late 19th century on its way to the Neolithic era. More specifically, we’re into Wild West territory complete with stampeding cattle and impromptu rodeos after a rogue cow managed to mow down a garda and three members of the public in County Clare. The mad cow escaped from market on the Quin Road, Ennis, and was so dangerously out of

FORMER foreign affairs minister Micheal Martin has agreed to have a rather large target painted on his back and the words ‘scapegoat’ tattooed onto his forehead after being elected as the new and eighth leader of Fianna Fail.

over and dragged along the road by the animal. Several members of the public who had also tried to bring the animal under control were also knocked over.

control that efforts by a vet to put it down were abandoned for safety reasons. Earlier, a garda who had been trying to corral the cow was knocked

One local woman said: “I have never seen anything like that in my life. I thought it was a bull but it goes to show that a cow can be just as dangerous. I can’t believe no one was killed.” Sounds like things got a bit udder hand to us?! (Ed – that pun doesn’t work, you’re fired).

LEZ THAN IMPRESSED LESBIANS. Who doesn’t love ‘em? They kiss girls… and they ARE girls. How brilliant’s that? Well in answer to our initial, and what should have been rhetorical, question, we’d have to point to Sgt Paul Fanning of the Cabra garda station in Dublin. The lez-obsessed sarge has been desperately trying to cover his tracks following an investigation into homophobia in the police force. His zany anti-gay pranks tend to focus on one female colleague in particular, Garda Emma Corcoran. He’s understood to have placed a paper sign that read “FAG1” in front of a number plate of her car. It was also claimed he asked her if she had enjoyed searching a woman prisoner. We’re clearly dealing with quite a wit here.

A 17-YEAR-OLD girl has been awarded €15,000 after being falsely accused of shoplifting at a Dunnes store in Dublin. Tanya Pharsicna felt she had been falsely portrayed as a shoplifter when surrounded by three tall security men in Henry Street, Dublin, and “assisted” back to the shop. Tanya was told to empty her shopping bag onto a table and when the hired goons sifted through her ill-gotten wares they discovered that they weren’t illgotten at all. They were just gotten. And that’s it. No tag-teaming in the backroom or anything – instead she gets €15,000 for being inconvenienced by a bunch of idiots. Sounds like she robbed them in the end to us.

BBM-593 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WORLD NEWS JACK OFF

IF you are like Jack Cagney, an 80-yearold male from Essex, (pictured) you want to keep fit. Well luckily he is here to help with a fitness DVD that includes motivational rapping from the pensioner. Jack will guide you through exercises that will have you fit in no time at all. Becuase when you’re 80, you don’t have much time left. Time to move over Pussycat Dolls and Davina McCall (you saucy minx), Jack is here to stay.

“It could be for anyone between 16 and 100. It’s for people who

aren’t interested in going to the gym. We are trying to make couch potatoes fitter and stronger,” Jack commented. Can’t we just stay being a couch potato and age gracefully? What’s wrong with golf anyway? All you need to do this workout is brainpower and a broomstick. BBM could think of another use for brainpower and a broomstick... *Censored at the request of BBM’s legal team*

WAITING TO INHALE IN a big plus for obesity and ‘cool kids’ who want to look like they’re taking drugs without, you know, actually taking drugs, you can now inhale foods thanks to some crazy scientists overseas.

conjured up by a Harvard University professor and aerosol scientist. Best of all, each breath contains hardly any calories — so you can have as much as you like without gaining weight.

Always on the ball, a Daily Mail reporter got to try a lemon tart out of the contraption. She described it as follows, “My head is suspended over a goldfish bowl. A glass straw is between my lips. Clouds of smoke are wafting into my face and lemon tart swirls around my mouth.”

The Harvard professor imagines a bright future for his device, commenting “Imagine a restaurant where, instead of sitting at a table, you walk around.”

Either she’s absolutely tripping balls or this is the greatest invention of our generation.

“Instead of eating food, you’re breathing it in as you walk from room to room, each with a different flavour. Celery in one. Steak in another. Then pate,” he tripped.

WE wouldn’t know from experience, but BBM presumes that there’s a moment between the wedding and reception where the newly married husband has just a seed of doubt about the nuptials. Take a certain Italian man, for example. Even though Italian men have a reputation as being mumma’s boys (seriously, there have been studies) nothing can really prepare you for this level of mumma boy-dom. Mamma Mia, what was this guy thinking? We’re glad you asked. He had that seed of doubt, and thought it would be appropriate to bring his mother along on his honeymoon. So that’s what he did, and now his 36-year-old wife has filed for divorce. BBM fails to see why. The bride arrived at Rome’s Fiumicino airport, expecting to fly off to Paris for her honeymoon, only to discover her husband had brought along his mother. Brilliant! Even though she “politely” tried to object, her husband said he “couldn’t leave his sick mother alone,” according to court documents. What’s more impressive is that all three of them got on the plane. Perhaps even more impressive, the honeymoon with mother in tow isn’t what ultimately led to divorce. What was the nail in the coffin? After the honeymoon, the mother-in-law also spent the Christmas holidays with the couple – which pushed the wife over the edge. Her husband’s “excessive ties” to his mother “made it impossible to establish a healthy conjugal relationship,” she said. Our advice? Call us, babe.

Who in their right mind would want to inhale fucking celery?! Are you mad?

This magical invention has been

BBM weren’t hoping for a Shawshank Redemption sequel but after reading the recent plans of an American criminal, we’ve changed our minds.

a voice told him not to go through with the plan, and he changed course in favour of trying to hitchhike to Indiana to see family.

Tracy Province escaped from an Arizona prison and had planned to overdose on heroin at Yellowstone National Park, allowing bears eat him.

He almost made it as well, only to be caught in a Walmart supermarket, trying to buy sleeping bags.

We can hear Morgan Freeman’s voiceover right now... However, as he was preparing the drug,

Province has pleaded guilty to charges of escape, kidnapping, aggravated assault and armed robbery and is quietly hoping to be sentenced to death by bears... or inhaling celery.

IF you are at all worried about your sad, sad life this week, chillax. That’s a real word these days, you know. You could be American man John Wade Agan, who has been robbed at gunpoint, knifed in the chest and bitten by two different snakes in his lifetime. Now? He’s been struck by lightning. Next he’ll be Katie Price’s new boyfriend. Poor thing.

BBM-593 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WORLD NEWS LICENSE TO DRILL OF all the slutty outfits we could think of, “sexy dentist” was pretty low-down on the list. Suddenly the phrase “open wide” takes on a new meaning. One German dental practice is changing all that by asking her employees to get their jugs out before we go under. Or over. Or wherever they ask us to go. Apparently dentists dressed as beer-hall waitresses really relax the patients. We would’ve thought it’d be opposite.

quite the

But something must be working as the practice now boasts a third more patients since the change in uniform. The staff are used to men drooling in the

waiting room so the demand has been manageable. Dr Klarkowski, 41, said: “The most important thing for us is to take away the patients’ fear. The sight of cleavages gets patients narcotised and distracted from the pain rather quickly.” She added: “Some patients’ mouths are already wide open on entering the practice - and that is just what a dentist wants.” Who knew we had so much in common with a German? Let alone a dentist. Bring on the..err…root canal?

LOVE KILLS NO, really it does. Yes, most of us have been unlucky enough to have the vomitous crippling feeling that consumes our stomach and makes you want to be sick out of your ear when you’ve been rejected (or drunkenly picked up a cougar), but it turns out that even the good kind can cause near death too.

looked around the medical literature and that example of having a love bite causing something like that hasn’t been described before.” Well, in that case BBM will continue in its self-sufficient ways.

QUEENSLAND FLOOD RELIEF APPEAL IN Queensland, an area three times the size of the UK is underwater. Many communities have been devastated while families have lost houses, belongings and even relatives - as grizzly as it sounds. The Queensland Government has launched an appeal to help fellow Queenslanders affected by the recent floods. You can donate wherever you are, using the following methods. In Person: Donations can be made at all banks, selected credit unions as well as Coles Supermarkets. Via. Phone: You can call 1800 219 028 and donate between 6am and 11pm each day. Via. Mail: You can send cheques made out to The Premier’s Disaster Relief Appeal (ABN 69 689 161 916) and posted to the following address: Premier’s Disaster Relief Appeal C/O Dept of the Premier and Cabinet PO Box 15185 City East QLD 4002 Via. Internet Banking: The account details for donations are: Account Name: Premier’s Disaster Relief Appeal BSB: 064 013 Account number: 1000 6800 SWIFT code for international donations: CTBAAU2S

You can’t really go blind from masurbation, right?

A New Zealand woman was temporarily paralysed when her partner gave her a hickey on the neck, which created a clot in the artery, causing a minor stroke. Doctors commented that “It was a love bite, there would be a lot of suction. Because of the physical trauma it had made a bit of bruising inside the vessel.” “There was a clot in the artery underneath where the hickey was. We

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SOAPS CORONATION ST. CHRIS goes out of his way when he pays Billy to burgle Janice’s flat. When asked which cab firm she used to go to the airport she says Streetcars - which places Lloyd firmly in the frame but is Chris’s plan coming together? Chris later plants one of Janice’s hold-alls taken from her flat in the back of Lloyd’s taxi and when the police arrive with a search warrant, Lloyd is gobsmacked and declares that someone has stitched him up.

is playing straight in to jealous Chris’s hands. Elsewhere Fiz is left distraught as she worries about her baby Hope who is on a ventilator. She also worries how she is going to care for a sick husband and sick child with no money coming in. She wants to tell Chesney all about John’s double life as Colin Fishwick but is interrupted by a phone call from the hospital saying the baby has taken a turn for the worse.

It looks like Lloyd

EastEnders THE Square is in chaos this week. Carol and Whitney argue over Connor, who has now regained consciousness.

but it’s clear she really wants a baby with Christian and wishes he was straight.

Phil decides to try and blackmail When Carol goes to visit Connor Ian over his affair with Glenda, in hospital, his mother Kendra but the tables turn when Ian tells her to leave, and Carol is visits Phil to give him his money and he sees him in a clinch with surprised when Connor backs up his mum’s wishes. Glenda, however drama strikes and Phil has a heart attack. Back at home Ian tells Glenda to Whitney has vowed to move out, and call an ambulance, but when Billy turns Ryan is desperately up she decides to trying to persuade her against moving hang up. With Phil where he wants him, in with Janine. Ian gives the angry potatoe a speech Meanwhile Roxy says she will be about how much of a misery he has a surrogate to made his life. Christian and Syed

It’s Caoimhe’s birthday and Judith breaks the news to Tommy that there will be one extra for the party. Tommy then finds out about Turlough’s mystic past. Wayne reacts badly to his mother’s act of generosity to a virtual stranger. Bob winds Christy up incurring another barring order from McCoys. Pete suspects Dolores may have been swindled. TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

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HOLLYOAKS + NANCY’S got some adjusting to do as Darren plays the doting father, but her patience is tested as Darren and Suzanne argue over extravagant baby names. There’s trouble at the Costellos when Carl has to cover up as to why Mercedes’ bra was found in the flat. When Riley surprises Mercedes with a romantic proposal, will it mean that Carl will finally leave her alone? Or will Riley find out the truth about his girlfriend and father? 18

Also, murderous Silas is back staying with the Costellos but who will his next victim be? He covers his tracks by showing his sympathy towards “Jason” about cutting himself. And following the female intruder that Tom hit over the head in their house, Jack takes the blame. Tom confides in Gilly that it was him who did it. Esther says she wants to talk to Jack and Frankie before she talks to the police, but what will emerge about Frankie’s past?

Emmerdale JAI incurs the wrath of Cain this week, when he spends too much time with Charity, and Faye delights in telling Cain that Charity and Jai are having a cozy after-work drink. Cain sees the pair curled up on the sofa. He goes to Jai’s barn conversion and takes a sledgehammer to it. Nikhil worries when Jai says to the police that he doesn’t know who did it, and says that he will handle it his own way. Jai later confronts Cain in front of Charity and asks

him to deny it was him who caused the £20,000 worth of damage, and the pair square up to each other. Later Cain tells Charity that he won’t be made a fool of, but Charity says all Cain has done is made her think she’d rather be with Jai. Cain is suffering. He gets arrested in the pub when he lashes out when everyone accuses him of starting a fire, and his and Andy’s presence is noted at the memorial held in the pub for the fire victims. BBM-593 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

GOSSIP WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU... GEORGE. FEELING alone? Are your days of scandalous sexcapades well and truly over? Why are you telling us? Go bother Crystal on page 58. But don’t get upset. It’s probably just that no one can find you. You really should be more specific about where you are. In fact, why not install a tracking system on your iPhone? We’re starting to think George Michael really gets a kick out of publicly humiliating himself. This time at least he’s doing it under the alias “Sydney Rocks.” Pity his picture is right next to it. Almost fooled us. George’s latest online dating profile has popped up on the iPhone dating ap Scruff, which is aimed at “bears, furred, inked, uniformed, jocks, geeks and more.”

Get it? Sorry. Scruff is a GPS-like tracking device designed so that people can know where you are all the time and stalk you. And then shag you. George was communicating with numerous users under the name “Back for Wood” and a picture he had taken of himself on another iPhone app last year. We hooked up to George’s Scruff to check out where he’s been hanging out. Turns out it’s more like a who’s who of public toilets but at least he’s getting out there and meeting people.

Obviously he’s lost Faith in his popularity.

AT CLEESE HE’S HONEST JOHN Cleese is the happiest he’s ever been. It’s a little surprising seeing as he’s had to sell most of his property in order to pay a £12 million divorce settlement to ex-wife Alyce Faye. To celebrate his losses he’s about to launch his latest tour of the UK entitled “John Cleese’s Alimony Tour.” Brilliant. I think she gets the message. He’s really not holding back on the ex-wife bashing either saying, “I have several things I want to write about, but that’s not going to happen at the moment unless Alyce Faye gets kidnapped by aliens and taken off to another universe.” Good luck to you, John.

And why would he hold back when he’s now the proud owner of a new, shinier more limber version in the form of Jennifer Wade - 31 years his junior. Now we get why he’s so happy. Although he’s 71. That makes her 40. Hugh Hefner would be laughing his face off if there wasn’t a playmate sitting on it. “I’ve been trying to contact aliens, but so far I haven’t had any success,” Cleese said, as he popped another Viagra.

THE BITCH IS BLOCKED OF all things a supermarket could place warnings on, a magazine showcasing Elton John’s new baby should be the least of their worries.

for protecting porn from young eyes. We wouldn’t want to have those children see naked breasts, would we? Imagine the horror.

Seriously, BBM is still waiting for the warning label that tights are not pants.

The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (We’re sure GLAAD they have a shorter acronym to use) contacted the store and were told ‘several’ customers had complained, said online reports. Bosses at the chain then buckled under the pressure and removed the warning.

Arkansas chain Harps placed a ‘family shield’ over the US Weekly magazine that had Elton John, David Furnish and their newborn son on the cover. The ‘shield’ is usually reserved

IN breaking news (well, at least when we put together BBM last week - sorry to crush any illusions), Charlie Sheen has been taken to hospital. Bet you didn’t see that one coming. Charlie suffered a hiatal hernia in his stomach as a result of all the juggling of porn stars and drugs.

APPARENTLY some absolute nutjob went up to Liam Gallagher backstage and picked a bit of flaky skin from his head, thinking it was cocaine, and inserted it into his own nasal cavity – surprisingly, to no avail. The Oasis bad boy commented that, “I’ve got psoriasis all over my fucking body. Everywhere except for me face. And every now and again on me head.” Lovely.

THE topic of Glee divides the team here at BBM, but we all stood and applauded this week after they took on those morons in Kings of Leon. Ryan Murphy, creator of Glee, had a lot to say after the group rejected an offer to have their own special like Britney, Madonna and Lady Gaga. “F*** you, Kings of Leon. They’re self-centred a******s and they missed the big picture,” Murphy said as he used another hundred-dollar note to light a cuban cigar. Lets keep in mind that God also hates the band, after lighting one of their buses on fire and forcing birds to shit on them onstage. As usual, the band were “not sure where the anger is coming from.” Twats.

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GOSSIP HEPATITIS V FEELING What do you think of when you see Disney and Mamma Mia? Venereal disease. Us too. That’s right. Smack bang in between billboards for Mamma Mia and the Disney store proudly sits the latest advertisement for The Vampire Diaries simply stating, “Catch VD.” Yes please. In its defence a spokesperson for VD network The CW says, “VD simply stands for ‘Vampire Diaries,’ and anyone who thinks otherwise should probably get themselves checked out.” Other people who should get checked out are those who look forward to this show, as well as those who’ve recently fucked a vampire. Parents of American teenagers exposed to this ad aren’t too concerned as most of their children are too fat to get a root anyway.

CHERYL’S OUTFOXED POOR Chezza Cole, she hasn’t had the best time lately, and her start to 2011 doesn’t seem to be getting a lot easier. Cole’s golden ticket to world domination would have been as a judge on the American X Factor, however it’s decided they don’t want her. Ouch. According to sources everyone thinks she has the gig in the bag, however it’s been suggested that’s not exactly the case, “The truth is, nothing has been signed and the producers still aren’t convinced.” The network, Fox, is pushing for stars such as Katy Perry and Rihanna because people in the US would have heard of them, instead of some girl from the UK with a funny accent coming over thinking she’s the shit.

Thank you, sweet MTV jesus, we finally succeeded. Old Man McMahon unfortunately passed away due to a tragic accident but we managed to score the cover nonetheless. MTV in the UK have begun production on Jersey Shore set in Blighty - and there’s nowhere more suitable for what will be the greatest television show of the decade than

Walliams, who regularly cross dresses for his rolls in Little Britain, and that other show that’s based in the airport but is exactly the same, commented that “I’d urge all [men] to give crossdressing a chance... It’s very liberating for men and the girls will enjoy it too - it’s great for your relationship.” He answered our question before we even asked, stating that he “can’t wear my girlfriend’s clothes because none of them fit me. It’s not me, it’s her. I’m a size zero, you see.” Ah, of course, he laughed her into bed. What a twat.

Rumour is that Katy and Rihanna are too busy for the job, with upcoming tours. Bosses are not apparently trying to get Christina Aguilera on board, who was more Slaguilera after her controversial X-rated performance on the UK version of the show. Simon Cowell is trying to work his magic with the network, but nothing has been decided yet. Bad times for Chez, I guess she’ll have to cease the house hunting in LA, as she might not be saying goodbye to the pasties and ale just yet.

A SHORE THING BBM have been trying to convince our boss, Old Man McMahon, to put lovable drunk Snooki and hair gel enthusiast Pauly D on the cover for the past six months.

WELL, according to David Walliams, cross-dressing is apparently good for your relationship. And BBM trusts the word of someone who can’t spell ‘Williams’ correctly.

Newcastle. Geordie Shore, here we come! MTV chose to base the series in Newcastle because its residents know how to have a good time come rain or shine. “Jersey Shore is set in the summer and it is always summer in the northeast,” said Kerry Taylor, director of television for MTV Networks UK and Ireland. “No one wears a coat and Geordie girls are always out in their miniskirts.”

THINGS have gone tits up for Playboy model Kayla Collins and Ashley Cole, after they fell out at P Diddy’s party at the Pigalle Club in London. One of his mates sat between them, so naturally the bimbo went apeshit, ripping her own extensions out and throwing silicon implants at his entourage. Or at least we imagine something to that effect happened. He’s basically kicked her to the curb… bet he’s wishing he hadn’t cheated on Chezza now. We know what you’re thinking, ‘Geez, what’s with all the Cheryl Cole stories this week?’ It means we can spend more time sorting through her modelling portfolio. Nice.

Just when BBM was worried what the usual Big Brother hopefuls would do with their lives, finally they have been saved. Bless.

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THE WRAP RIDING THE WAVE SOME of the biggest rockers will visit Australia for the much-anticipated Soundwave Festival. If you are keen to see your favourite acts in a non-festival setting, check out the Sidewaves taking place across the country. Iron Maiden: Feb 23 (Melb) & 24 (Syd) Slash: March 2 (Brisbane) Primus: Feb 28 (Syd) & March 3 (Melb) Third Eye Blind: March 1 (Syd) & 2 (Melb)

Rob Zombie: March 3 (Melbourne) Sum 41: March 1 (Syd) & 2 (Melb) We The Kings: March 2 (Syd) & 3 (Melb) Murderdolls: March 1 (Sydney)

A KLOOT POINT I AM KLOOT announced this week that The Chemist and Jackson McLaren will support them for their much anticipated Australian tour this February, in Melbourne and Sydney respectively. Feb 17: Et. Brunswick Club, Melbourne Feb 18: Gaelic Club, Sydney Feb 19: Playground Weekender Festival

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FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

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FIREWORK

DEPECHE Mode’s Andy Fletcher will drop by the City Hotel for an unprecedented free DJ set.

ON BBMLIVE.COM THIS WEEK

Used to rocking tens of thousands in stadia, Andy Fletcher will be playing one of the most intimate shows of his career.

Grammy Award winner Corinne Bailey Rae’s newly released The Love EP is a collection of five songs from artists such as Prince and Bob Marley. Though Corrine is renowned for being experimental it’s still risky to tackle such well-known songs by such huge artists yet she pulls it off well, managing to put her own stamp on the material.

Date: February 16th Where: City Hotel, Kent St. Sydney

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COMPETITIONS AS the days of summer get longer, Playground Weekender gets closer - and we have tickets to offload.

THANKS to our friends at Paramount, BBM has a crazy 25 double passes to see True Grit to give away.

While your usual one-day festivals have you working up a sweat trying to race between stages, Playground is spread over four days - so you can sit back, relax and enjoy everything the festival has to offer, including the ace lineup of live bands and DJ’s.

Enlisting the help of a triggerhappy, drunken U.S. Marshal, Rooster Cogburn, fourteen-yearold Mattie Ross sets out with him — over his objections — to hunt down the man who killed her father.

DUBSTEP is making a beeline to Chinese Laundry, with the Dubstep Invading this Friday. Sitting proudly at the helm is none other than Kid Kenobi. Joining him are Glove Cats, who have been pushing the boundaries of the bass cultured sound. BBM has tickets to give away to the Dubstep night - enter now!

BASED on the success of Sydney’s clubbing institution Spice After Hour Club comes the Spice Afloat 2011 Summer Trilogy. The first of its kind in Australia; the cruise takes place on board the state of the art Bella Visa Cruiser, providing a party playground beginning just after midnight and coming back just after sunrise.

True Grit is in cinemas right now.

TO ENTER ANY OF THESE COMPS, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/COMPETITIONS.HTML 24

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REVIEWS EASY A CAST

Emma Stone Amanda Bynes

DIRECTOR Will Gluck (Fired Up)

C’MON, everybody loves a good High School movie. See what I did there, everybody likes them when they’re good. Unfortunately, there hasn’t been a cheesy High School delight since Tina Fey’s Mean Girls. Until now.

RELEASED

RATING

January 26

DVD & Blu-Ray (M)

You’ll wish your neglectful parents were replaced by these two after a joyful performance which provides countless laugh-out-loud moments and steals the show.

Easy A is a really fun popcorn film that blitzes the other High School flicks out of the water with its quirky Not only is Emma Stone incredibly hot, she’s also really fun to watch charm and genuinely funny script as a rumour spreads throughout the which actually sounds like teenagers school that she’s a bit of a whore. All do. Or, at least, what we read on the false, of course. We can’t wait to see Twitter and YouSpace - that’s what the kids use these days, right? her (in blonde, no less) in the new Spiderman film alongside The Social The DVD and Blu-Ray includes a Network’s Andrew Garfield. retrospective on the High School The real highlight, however, is that films of the 80’s, commentary, a of screen legends Stanley Tucci and making-of featurette and Emma Patricia Clarkson as Stone’s parents. Stone’s audition. Ben Harlum

ANNA CALVI

ALBUM

Self-Titled

RELEASED

4th March

RATING

THE idea of waltzing on the balcony in summer’s low dusk when time has no presence and love, life and loss are pending feelings that whisk you up into frenzy is the music space link that is created in my mind while listening to Anna Calvi’s debut album. However I am situated in the gloom of night, on a cold January evening. Not that it really matters, due to the warm embers inside my chest

that emanate with the low howls of the blues notes that play among rattle snakes in the ghostly build up of Rider to the Sea. It sets the theatrical mood of the masterpiece and tracks like Desire thickens the texture with brush strokes. The swagger of No More Words sways to the resonating bass, however they do choose live to play without it.

The harmonium and violins are a sorrowful addition to the orchestral string imitation that seeps from her telecaster, where enchanting spells are revealed upon the listener. Romanticism is a key aspect of the album, a poignant beauty lies between her surrealist style and minor sounds. Majestic as it is wise, lets hope 2011 will be blessed with more records like this. Ashley Moore

PEARL JAM FOR a band as legendary as Pearl Jam, it’s no surprise that six live albums and countless bootlegs have been released over the band’s history.

ALBUM

Live on Ten Legs

RELEASED

Now

RATING

However, this new release (a companion to 1998’s Live on Two Legs) renders the need to sort through hundreds of bootleg websites useless. A near-perfect complilation, the band blitzes through eighteen classic tracks without

much time to pause or reflect, an impressive feat since the tracks were recorded anytime between 2003 and 2010. Considering these are not from the one gig, the album is remarkable in the way everything seams together - even the mix remains the same on each track. The mix is notable because it’s really well done - not too much crowd noise, which is how I like it.

An ace way to catch up on what Pearl Jam have been up to recently, this album is far from your usual greatest hits cashgrab. Live on Ten Legs is not only an excellent sequel but also an impressive standalone live album. With tracks more frantic than their studio counterparts, it’s worth picking up as preparation for Eddie Vedder’s upcoming solo tour. Ben Harlum

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PHOTOS BIG DAY OUT SYDNEY

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INTERVIEW ’S A-GAME B PLAN

ful ed for a bunch of aw e is Plan B, be prepar rible puns to deliver When your stagenam ter the h oug thr ken w has bro n of headlines. But Ben Dre album, The Defamatio well as the top notch n himself ma the h wit a stellar live show as up ght M’S BEN HARLUM cau ws in Sydney. Strickland Banks. BB two Big Day Out sho between last week’s been so far? How have the shows and Pepa remember seeing Salt I . hot lly rea but d, so it was s, wa it ue ven They’ve been really goo nice a year and thought how re. play at The Metro last the y pla and k bac great to come make it? r to Australia, did he bringing your brothe Rupert g hin eas unl I’m I read that you were him. s will have to deal with tand his sense of ers He’s here, and you guy und can o wh ple he needs peo Drew onto the public, sn’t belong in England. erent, my brother, he doe humour. He’s pretty diff setting? t the album into a live Was it hard to conver nts involved, getting me ele of lot a re’s The it takes time. w for a while now, cre It’s a gradual process, the h wit n l and error. I’ve bee like a family. That ls things perfect with tria fee it so t have joined the band tha nds frie my on holiday and are y’re few a think the ause sometimes they not afraid to break can be a problem bec I’m it, on up ple peo l t have to pul I’m footing the bill. I jus balls... the full album, did you have h the Strickland Banks in pieces? you When coming up wit to e com it did or nted important vision of what you wa to work out the most ole story, I just needed like I was t jec pro the at k I had an idea of the wh loo I’d ones I wanted to tell. tain parts of the story - the an end, you know cer have a beginning and you lm fi a in nes for those stages. gs writing sce son te wro I so inbetween things needed to happen en he arrives in jail for wanted a song for wh For example, I knew I to Hell. me lco We te wro I so the first time se spective, writing the From an outsider’s per e you more giv uld wo s um alb character-based . on personal experience longevity than relying ee? Would you agr ays expected to As musicians, you’re alw but it’s different lf rse you write songs about want Quentin n’t uld for filmmakers. You wo over and over tion Fic p Pul do to Tarantino title, would you? I again with a different ng the first album aki don’t want to keep rem fucking boring. because it’d be really Harry Brown, It was funny to watch ide Michael ngs because you act alo busy shooting too ’re you yet ine Ca g away to at each other or runnin .. ue. log dia share any s a bit It was wicked but it wa any frustrating not to share in the ’re we en wh n eve dialogue ing through same room, we’re talk y, it somebody else. In a wa because ll we as me ted tec pro with I could share the screen nting Plan B finishes his Big Day Out run in Melbourne him but it was less dau (January 30), Adelaide (February 4) and Perth with not having to interact and (February 6) and will perform a sideshow at ot sho t jus ter, rac his cha Melbourne’s Prince Bandroom on February 1st. chase at him.

The new, extended version of The Defamation of Strickland Banks is in stores right now. 30

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INTERVIEW “We’ve been in the studio. We’ve been wrestling a song all day. I think it’s safe to say that it’s been the biggest wrestle of the album. The good thing and the bad thing is we realise when tracks are a struggle, then they come out really well. Sometimes they don’t and they are just a struggle.” Andy Barlow, better known as one half of Manchester based electro duo Lamb, is clearly exhausted after a long day in the studio working on material for the pair’s upcoming fifth studio album, the imaginitively titled 5. Yet, for a band who split eight years ago after growing tensions, the return to the project is clearly something that both Barlow and his musical partner-in-crime Lou Rhodes are relishing. With the pair currently locked in the studio, they are finding that having taken an extended break has served their working relationship well. Rhodes explains, “I think the span of time has really changed us in many ways as people, I think we have really mellowed out. Back in the day, our fights were much publicised. It would be quite a difficult environment in the studio at times. These days we flow a lot more easily together.” With Barlow also freely admitting that their “communications are clearer now and we don’t take it so personally,” the musical partnership were first reunited for a series of lives shows at the turn of 2009. With their Australian dates launching their worldwide tour, Rhodes is keen to point out that their fans should be aware, “we are not actually launching the new album until May. It will be a real mixture of our older albums and a taste of two or three of the new songs.” Lamb play Playground Weekender 2011 as well as a sideshow in Melbourne (17th Feb) and Brisbane (18th Feb). Visit playgroundweekender.com.au for details and tickets.

lamb

INTERVIEW

Dylan Smith knows full well that hard work reaps rewards. Having released his first EP Herbal Ninja alongside buddy Marcus Ross under the joint name Direct Influence back in 2006, the pair have spent much of the last few years on the road developing their act.

European dream, having visited Sweden to write with some of the country’s top producers.

worried that their international hopes might cause issues with the home crowd?

Ross believes that their global goal will only enhance their act for the home crowd, With their heads clearly screwed on, Ross points out their main focus for the start of “I think it is good to keep our shows in 2011 is “more writing actually. We’ve got to Australia a little bit separate as it makes them a little bit more special. Especially All their hours came to fruition when debut work on a new album to release is Europe, album War In My Kitchen was released we would like to tap into that market if we are out there constantly performing, towards the end of 2010 to a hungry fanbase. really. We want to head up Europe for the we will always be improving our live show. Smith modestly admits to Jeremy Williams, European summer festival season with the We’re going to be getting better and “we had an awesome 2010. We traveled album in hand and ready to go.” then when we come back to play to our over pretty much all of Australia and the home crowds, we are always giving them reception was amazing, so we want to see Having only four dates pencilled in on home something a little more special. It is not how we go over in Europe.” turf before their escapade, starting with like we are taking two months off, we’re their Australia Day-eve gig at The Espy and constantly working the live set so that we Having already rocked the roof in Tokyo, finishing with an appearance at The Hills can bring them something ten times better Are Alive festival on March 26, are the duo everytime we play.” the pair have already started pursuing their 32

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SYDNEY NEWS LOSERS WEEPERS LAST WEEK, the Daily Telegraph ran a story about “NSW’s most generous person.” While BBM was surprised to learn the profile was not of us, we were dumbfounded at the story that unfolded. Ghazi Adra noticed a blue cooler bag left behind on a Penrithbound train, thinking it was somebody’s lunch. Instead, after taking the bag home and checking for any sign of I.D., he found $50,000 worth of American money. Now, we don’t want to look at the negative side of the story (such a lie) but what shady character carries $50,000 in a cooler bag... on the train?

druglord. Ghazi went to the police and turned the money in, where even the police officer said that he “can’t believe you are handing this in.” We’re surprised the officer didn’t snatch the money for himself. Not that we’d accuse the police force of being corrupt in any way.

WITH the gentle, pleasant folk that attend the venue, BBM is very surprised that a holdup would take place at Parramatta Speedway. Three thieves had been waiting for employees to open the speedway’s office in the morning. After entering the office and tying up the male staff, one of the thieves ordered a female staff member to open the safe at gunpoint. When more staff arrived for work and tried to intervene in the situation, the thieves (pictured) fled in a black four wheel drive. After doing a couple of laps on the speedway, they quickly realised they were going around in circles and exited the venue.

The owner of the money, an Asian woman, had a “legitimate but personal” reason for carrying such a large amount of cash and was grateful to Ghazi. Legitimate but personal? Total druglord.

A foolish character, that’s who. Or a

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WHAT’S ON SYDNEY

Outdoor Cinemas SENDING the deckchair industry into overdrive, the five outdoor cinemas in Sydney are taking advantage of the summer weather and are showing a combination of new and classic films.

Starlight

Bondi

Moonlight

Conviction

Winter’s Bone

Donnie Darko

The Town

Fair Game

End of the Line

Skyline

Feb 3rd

Due Date

The Dilemma

Heathers

Top Gun

Feb 4th

Made In Dagenham

Heartbreaker

Social Network

Little Fockers

Life as We Know It

Feb 5th

Harry Potter 7

Secret In Their Eyes

The Tourist

Little Fockers

Breakfast at Tiffany’s

The Kids are All Right

Oceans

Home

Zoolander

Jan 31st

Social Network

Open Air Cinema: Mrs Macquaries Pt Adults $30

Feb 1st

Bondi Open Air: Bondi Pavilion Adults $18

Feb 2nd

Moonlight Cinema: Centennial Park Adults $18 Starlight Cronulla: Toyota Stadium Adults $15

Feb 6th

THE 9th AGWA Yacht Club will set sail on the stunning Starship Sydney on February 5. Crosstown Rebels, Damian Lazarus and Art Department will play downstairs alongside Luke McD, while Pete Herbert represents for Disco Deviance on the Lost Disco deck with COOP DJ’s. FRESH from a sold-out season at the Edinburgh Fringe, “Songs in the Key of Awesome” is a brand new hour of rock comedy (romedy) from the Axis of Awesome. When: February 4 - 6 Where: Sydney Opera House Cost: $35 GOOD News Week’s Paul McDermott, Claire Hooper and Mikey Robbins star in an all singing and dancing night that’s the first glittering pointless award show of the year, but definitely not the last. When: February 3rd Where: State Theatre Cost: $37

Open Air

Starlight Cinema: North Sydney Oval Adults $16

Cronulla

JOIN Arj Barker as he tries to figure out which jokes will make it into his new show, and which ones will end up getting flushed away. Some call it a work-in-progress. He calls it Keeper or Crapper. When: Jan 16 - 30th, Feb 1 - 6th, Feb 9 - 12th Where: Old Fitzroy Theatre

THE Naked and Famous return after recent sell-out shows to play Sydney’s Oxford Art Factory alongside the Big Day Out tour. When: February 1 & 2 Where: Oxford Art Factory Cost: $20

DISCOVER the changing face of Chinatown in this fascinating tour led by renowned journalist and food writer John Newton. When: February 2nd, from 10am Where: Meet at Chinatown Gate Cost: $60

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MELBOURNE NEWS KANGA-HOONS ROO-IN RACING IN A land where ‘Pokie’ rooms can be found in pretty much every bar, it’s perhaps unsurprising that Australia is obsessed with gambling. Whether it’s cane toad races, two-up or Roman gladiatorstyle chariot racing, the Aussies will pretty much bet on anything. Yet we still had to rub our eyes in disbelief while exclaiming “whaaa?” in an unnecessarily loud voice when we saw a bunch of kangaroos hopping around a racecourse being egged on by around 5000 locals at Hanging Rock. Alas, Roo racing wasn’t supposed to be on the schedule – but the little critters just couldn’t help being washed up in the national fervour of Australia Day, with around seven of the skippy buggers refusing to leave the track. As a result, the entire racing card had to be scratched amid health and safety concerns. “The club had some trouble with kangaroos last year and so built a big fence to keep them

out, but several found a new way on to the track,’’ said Racing Victoria steward Peter Ryan. “Try as hard as we could to clear them from the area, they kept returning. We had no alternative but to call a halt to the meeting as we could not be satisfied about the safety of jockeys and horses.’’ Ryan said two kangaroos initially held up the first race when they appeared around the back of the track, and later, just as the horses were being loaded into the barriers, three more jumped a smaller fence and entered the course. They too were cleared away but within minutes two more had leaped over the fence and on to the course. Yesterday, Victoria racing stewards refused to comment on speculation that the problem was eventually solved when jockeys wielding scimitars on horseback hunted down and decapitated the rogue roos. An admission of guilt if ever we heard one.

TOO OPEN 3D TELEVISION took a new twist at the Australian Open this week, with Channel Seven forced to change its camera angles over fears tennis ace Petra Kvitova was about to ‘burst out’ of her top as it were. Alas, Petra’s campaign was ended following her defeat to world number two Vera Zvonareva in the quarter-finals – and with it the chance to see an on-court wardrobe malfunction. We’re sure viewing figures plummeted as a result. We bet that wasn’t the only thing going down either eh fellas? Phwoar! And so our interest in women’s tennis ends for another year… unless Caroline Wozniacki flashes her muff at Wimbledon.

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WHAT’S ON MELBOURNE

BROOKLYN duo Matt and Kim will bring their energetic blast of indie punk pop to Australia as part of the Big Day Out, Sydney Festival and this one Melbourne side show. The recent release of Sidewalks brings them up to album number three, after their second album Grand which achieved some amazing coverage around the world - you’ve probably

heard Daylight on the current Mars ad. Both art school graduates, Matt and Kim stay closely involved in all the visual elements of the band. Kim designs the album covers and band merch, while Matt develops the concepts for their music videos.

THE MC with the madly energetic, fast-flowin’ live-band show, Lupe Fiasco, is back. He’s collaborated with Kanye West, Mike Shinoda and Pharrell Williams, won praise from Jay-Z, founded a design and clothing company and released a punk record with his side project band, Japanese Cartoon.

When: Wednesday 2nd February Where: Corner Hotel, Richmond

Lupe’s new album remains so anticipated that his fans have resorted to petitioning his label to have it released. While he may have talked of retirement plans in recent years, too much is never enough for Lupe. When: February 3rd Where: Palace Theatre Cost: $70

BLOWING in from Oxford, Stornoway make their first trip to Australian shores for the sold out Laneway Festival and this Melbourne sideshow.

Their music has won them fans across the globe and Australian audiences are finally getting the chance to witness their blissful timeless balladry.

The band’s debut album, Beachcomber’s Windowsill, lead by critically acclaimed first single Zorbing, exudes their charming brand of quintessential pop.

NOW in its 13th season, the Suzuki Night Market attracts approximately 26,000 patrons each night. Suzuki Night Market supports emerging artisans, designers and entertainers as well as offering an unusual and unique product mix in a vastly different setting to the Market’s daytime

activities. There are over 150 vendors offering everything from unique clothing and jewellery through to original prints and plants, promising a unusual shopping experience. When: Wednesday Nights From 5.30pm - 10pm Where: Queen Victoria Market

THE Australian Football Hall of Fame was established by the AFL in 1996 to recognise and enshrine those who have made a significant contribution to the game since its inception in 1858. Now, footy fans are able to pay homage to these greats at a new, permanent addition to the

When: February 10th Where: Corner Hotel, Richmond Cost: $38

‘Australia’s Game’ gallery in the National Sports Museum, open to the public. When: 10am - 5pm daily Where: Northern Stand, Melbourne Cricket Ground Cost: Exhibition is included within the cost of admission to the National Sports Museum

BBM-593 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WHAT’S ON PERTH

THE trip-hop, electronica forerunner Tricky will return to Australia and New Zealand in February 2011 for a trans-Tasman run of blinding gigs, his first Australian shows since playing to packed houses in August 2008.

THE first season of Perth’s own Fringe Festival, Fringe World will feature a program of the best of world fringe and free entertainment for three weeks in February.

When: Monday February 14th Where: Amplifier Capitol

When: From February 4th Where: The Urban Orchard

AUSSIE rock legends INXS (with far from legendary lead singer JD Fortune) will play their first Australian tour in four years, in support of their eagerly-awaited new album. Joining INXS are Grammy-Award winners Train, whose blues and folk-infused rock has propelled them to the top of the charts around the world, the reformed Baby Animals and Sean Kelly from ARIA Hall of Fame inductees Models. When: Thursday February 3 Where: Kings Park & Botanic Garden

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB 1 Holdsworth Street, Fremantle

ROSIE O’GRADY’S 205 James Street, Northbridge

ROSEMOUNT 459 Fitzgerald Street, North Perth

DURTY NELLY’S 397 Murray Street, Perth

THE NEWPORT HOTEL 2 South Terrace, Fremantle

MURPHY’S IRISH PUB 43 Mandurah Terrace, Perth

ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW 55 Lake Street, Northbridge

THE SHED 69/71 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge

HOTEL ROTTNEST 1 Bedford Avenue, Rottnest Island

BBM-593 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

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Why study with AH+B

Call the College for the next available intake dates For a limited time only business courses

$1300 per term

Flexible Timetable Assistance with student visa applications Fun environment Public transport 1 min away PM shifts available Close to Bondi Beach Close to the City Job assistance

Hairdressing courses

$1400 per term

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RECRUITMENT

BBM-581 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

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Sydney Jobs Apply to tc@freespirit.com.au

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OUTBOUND CALL CENTRE $20 PER HOUR (3-6 MONTH ROLES AVAILABLE)

RECEPTION/ADMINISTRATION $20-$24 PER HOUR (3-6 MONTH ROLES AVAILABLE)

Our client is seeking a number of experienced outbound call consultants to join their busy team.

We have a number of clients in the city seeking receptionists with an admin background. Positions are perfect for travelers as they temporary roles up to 6 months.

You will possess; â&#x20AC;˘ Excellent communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ Highly motivated individual â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Friendly personality This is a great role calling an existing customer base. Full training provided.

The ideal candidate will have; â&#x20AC;˘ 2 years administration experience â&#x20AC;˘ Pleasant personality and bubbly telephone manner â&#x20AC;˘ Typing of 40 words per minute Roles paying $20 - $24 dollars an hour depending on experience.

COLLECTIONS $24-$26 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLE)

ACCOUNTS PAYABLE/RECEIVABLE $24-$26 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLE)

We have a fantastic collections opportunity working for a leading global bank.

Do you have accounts payable/receivable experience?? We have clients in the city seeking candidates for immediate start.

Candidates must possess the following; â&#x20AC;˘ At least 12 months experience in Collections (Banking and Finance) â&#x20AC;˘ Tenacious and hard-working â&#x20AC;˘ Team player Excellent opportunity to work in Sydneyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s CBD for a prestigious organization.

The ideal candidate will; â&#x20AC;˘ Thrive in a busy environment â&#x20AC;˘ High attention to detail â&#x20AC;˘ At least 2 years experience â&#x20AC;˘ Ability to prioritize workload Assignments are up to 6 months paying $24-$26 an hour. To apply for these roles please email your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

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JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA DO YOU WANT TO WRITE about traveling around the Australians West Coast? This is a great opportunity to get your name in to print. This not a paid job, but other benefits are available like free activities or accommodation as you travel. Well established magazine now ten years old. Please apply to: guchi.shakir@what-media. com

JUST CUTS are seeking fully qualified hairdressers, friendly and interactive professionals who pride themselves in doing quality cuts every time. If you love working in a team environment and are looking for a new exciting challenge email Maxine.mm@optusnet. com.au or ph 0734919626. Salons around Australiagreat chances to move around the country!

MELBOURNE

PROMOTIONAL STAFF. call centre work available to promote electricity and gas. simple work and great money. full time training provided - no experience needed. melbourne work only. call jerry on 03 9867 6322 FLAUNT IT! We are the leading producers of creative nude photography, and are looking for amateur models 18 + to smash the stereotypes. Earn 500+ cash on your own terms. Fun, safe women run company. Call Rebecca 03 9495 6555

SYDNEY NEED CASH??? North Shore promotion team needs a few outgoing extraverts who enjoy people and have “The Gift of the Gab”. If you are friendly, have a good smile and can get to work on time – join the excitement! CASH PAID EVERY NIGHT! Evening, Weekday and Sat/ Sun days. You need good English and a bright optimistic attitude. Call Dave the Coupon Guy 11am-2pm on 0402 568 680.

HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY: Bar Staff, Promo staff, admin staff etc. Do you have an outgoing personality & great presentation? Excellent pay rates with flexible hours of weekdays, weekends or nights. Call or 02 8399 1768

INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: Warehousing, Labouring, Stores, Process Work, Green card and safety boots are an advantage – however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email Ciara@industriousrecruitment.com.au or call on 02-9270 5234 CALLING ALL WORKING HOLIDAY MAKERS! -Earn great money while you’re here -Be part of an international network of companies -Fun and energetic environment Jobs available in Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Brisbane, Adelaide and regional areas! 02 92111022 or email jpappa-

SALES EXECUTIVE DO WANT TO SETTLE DOWN IN AUSTRALIA? DO YOU LOVE SELLING? • Generous package • An opportunity to become an Australian permanent resident and eventually a citizen! • Fantastic full-time sales role with growth potential • Both face-to-face & call centre positions! • Complete training available • Assistance with your visa We are a privately owned media company experiencing growth year on year. We require LOUD, FUN & SMART individuals to join our young & dynamic team to work out of our West Sydney and Inner West Sydney ofﬁces. As Sales Executive you will be selling to medium sized local businesses and organisations, gradually building strong relationships with your portfolio of clients. We want to see your great selling skills and your original ideas and marketing solutions. If you have a professional attitude and presentation, then email your resume and a cover letter to

resumes@internode.on.net 48

BBM-593 // JOB LISTINGS

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TRAVELLERS, STUDENTS & LOCALS Several vacancies exist @ our friendly well established full service parlour @ Darling Harbour. We have flexible shifts, caring female management, great pay ($150 p/ hr) and a very safe environment for sexy ladies.Great place for newcomers. Call 02 9660 5942 after 11am for a confidential chat. www.club121.com.au info@club121.com.au

Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Training provided Discreet, Paid daily Flexible hours Foxtel and internet access for staff Friendly Female management Located in the heart of Sydney Earn $150+ per hour

NO SEX

www.sirs.com.au 80 ERSKINE ST. SYDNEY CBD

92997771

Female Masseurs Required $110 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team

(02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills www.nirvanasydney.com.au

GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN!! BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE!! Female Masseurs required $110 p/hr Full training provided Immediate Start Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team

(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES

135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay www.atmichelles.com

KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road. 261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au

BBM-593 // JOB LISTINGS

JOB LISTINGS

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BBM-593 // JOB LISTINGS

ACCOMMODATION SYDNEY BONDI JUNCTION. CHEAPER THAN A DORM: Walking distance to Cock and Bull and Tea Gardens. Rooms available: Singles, doubles, triples and quads. All bills inc. All rooms include kitchenette, fridge, microwave. Laundry. Spotless. Near transport. Oxford Court Accommodation. From $120pppw. 170 Oxford Street, Woollahra. Call 9327 2233 / 0412 547 840. Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms for $160 a week max 4 bed dorms, doubles and singles rooms also available $300 a week - in the heart of the city. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

DARLINGHURST BUDGET. NEWLY RE-FURBISHED SHARE ACCOMMODATION - Rear of 433 Liverpool Street, Darlinghurst. Corner of West Street. Central location, close to all amenities yet quiet. $160 P/P P/W + $200 Bond. All bills + WIRELESS INTERNET included. Fully furnished rooms in share house. 7 rooms - 2, 3 or 4 person share. Laundry, Kitchen, lounge/TV room. For appointment to view call Louise between 9am-7pm on 0402 034 119. APARTMENTS FOR RENT from $260.00 per week. Potts Point area. Ideal for 2 people, fully furnished & bills included. Fully equipped kitchens & bed linen supplied. TV and DVD player. Secure Building. Close to transport [5 mins to city centre], supermarkets, library, parks & restaurants. Short or Long Term available. Suitable for Couples. Please call 0416 500 088 Between 9am to 5pm

BBM-593 // ACCOMMODATION

Potts Point â&#x20AC;&#x201C; CLOSE TO CITY. Large Studio in garden complex. Close to Kings Cross station. Suitable for a couple. Fully furnished and equipped with everything you need including TV, linen, crockery, microwave etc. $395pw. Call 0425286445

MELBOURNE FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA

Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park. Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY

SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au CASA RADIANTE 373 - 375 Bulwara Road, Ultimo Sydney, NSW, 2007 Ph: 0412692824 or 0404 246 003 STRAND HOTEL 99 William St Darlinghurst, Sydney 2010 Ph: 02 93606910 www.strandhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au

PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au

Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

LIDO SUITES 2 Roslyn Street, Kings Cross, Sydney, 2011 Ph: 02 8354 0956 Toll Free: 1800 060 954 Fax: 02 9360 5670 kcsuites@leisureinnhotels.com www.leisureinnhotels.com Modern, boutique studio rooms located in the hub of Kings Cross’ non-stop energy and within easy reach of all Sydney’s best attractions.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com KANGA HOUSE BACKPACKERS 141 Victoria St, Kings Cross NSW 2011 FREECALL 1800 4 KANGA Ph: 9357 7897 Fax: 8354 0439 info@kangahouse.com.au www.kangahouse.com.au HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL

428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

THE ROYAL HOTEL

370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES

CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS

MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE

BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

HUNTER VALLEY

GOLDCOAST

HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

KATOOMBA

KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

JINDABYNE

SNOWY MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS Ph: 1800 333 468 7-8 Gippsland St. Jindabyne NSW 2627 Fax: 02 6456 1511 backpack@snowy.net.au www.snowybackpackers.com.au

BYRON BAY

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS

NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE

LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE

TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

GECKO’S REST 34 Sydney st Mackay QLD 4740 Ph: 07 49441230 www.geckorest.com.au info@geckorest.com.au

GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

NOOSA

MISSION BEACH

www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

CALOUNDRA

CALOUNDRA CITY BACKPACKERS 84 Omrah Avenue Caloundra, Sunshine Coast Queensland, Phone: 61 7 5499 7655 www.caloundracitybackpackers.com.au

MOOLOOLABA

MOOLOOLABA BACKPACKERS 75 Brisbane Rd Mooloolaba QLD (07) 5444 3399 www.mooloolababackpackers.com

MACKAY

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

HERVEY BAY

NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

BBM-593 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

WHITSUNDAYS

BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH

MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1105 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE

Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

RAINBOW BEACH

PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au

30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

DINGOS BACKPACKER RESORT 20 Spectrum Street, Rainbow Beach QLD 4581 FREECALL: 1800 103 823 www.dingosresort.com 3day/2night Selfguided camping Fraser Island Safari PLUS 2 nights at Dingos Resort $219 NO HIDDEN EXTRAS and FREE Pancake breakfast with every stay!!!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH

WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au

ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966

madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com ROYAL HOTEL 531 Wellington Street, Perth Western 6000 Ph: 08 9338 5100 wentpert@fc-hotels.com.au www.royalhotelperth.com.au YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA

TOWN SHOP Ross St Mall, Maidstone Cresent, Exmouth, Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060

MONKEY MIA

MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

BBM-593 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

KUNUNURRA

KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

VICTORIA MILDURA

RIVERBOAT BUNGALOW BACKPACKERS (Part of Working Hostels Mildura group) 27 Chaffey Ave Mildura, Victoria 3500 Tel: 0447 WORKER (0447 967 537) info@workinghostels.com.au www.workinghostels.com.au REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP

BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au

www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE

GLOBAL BACKPACKERS 238 Victoria St (cnr Elizabeth St) Nth Melbourne, Vic, 3051

(opposite Queen Vic Market)

Freecall: 1800 700 478 globalhostel@yahoo.com.au www.globalbackpackers.com.au Best kept secret in town - small, simple, centrally located. $20 dorms Decent accommodation cheap!

EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 MELBOURNE METRO YHA

78 Howard Street North Melbourne 3051 Phone: (+613) 9329 8599 Web: www.yha.com.au Email: melbmetro@yhavic.org.au NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com

Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com

$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au

Australia THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au MELBOURNE OASIS YHA 76 Chapman St. North Melbourne VIC Ph: 03 9328 3595 oasis@yhavic.org.au http://www.yha.com.au

Inviting all British Balls enthusiasts to check out Melbourne’s completely BUNK FREE hostel. Guaranteeing a good nights sleep! Foxtel TV & free swimming pool pass. Beds start at $27.

HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au

ST. KILDA

OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms RITZ FOR BACKPACKERS 169b Fitzroy Street St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, 3182 Ph: 1800 670 364 info@ritzbackpackers.com www.ritzbackpackers.com HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au

Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

APOLLO BAY

APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN

CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 www.chillis.com.au ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au

HINDMARSH GROOVEY GROUP 10 Bacon St, Hindmarsh SA 5007 getaways@groovygrape.com.au Freecall: 1800 66 11 77 Ph: + 61 8 8440 1640 www.grooveygroup.com.au ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS

CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com

SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand TE PUKE

HAIRY BERRY BACKPACKER HOSTEL 2 No 1 Road, Te Puke NZ 0064 07 5738015 or 021 520539 www.hairyberrynz.com work@hairyberrynz.com “Bring this add for 100MB FREE internet on arrival & we garantee help to get seasonal work”

CHRISTCHURCH

CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN

BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new flashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakefield Street Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off first night if you mention this ad

GREYMOUTH

KATIKATI OUR LITTLE PARADISE 378 Whara Whara Road KatiKati Ph +64 7 5490978 ourlittleparadise@ihug.co.nz

KARI KARI PENINSULA NORTHLAND

DUKE BACKPACKERS 7 Guinness Street, Greymouth Ph: 03-7689470 dukenz@clear.net.nz www.duke.co.nz

THE RUSTY ANCHOR

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.fijinadibayhotel.com/ TRAVELLERS BEACH RESORT 19 Wasawasa Road, Nadi Bay Beach Ph: 6723322 Fax: 6720026 travellersbeach@connect.com.fj www.travellersbeachresort. com.fj Skype: travellersbeach

NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacific Harbour P.O.Box 416 Pacific Habour Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

1 Tokerau Beach Rd Kari Kari Peninsula Northland 0800 78 78 92 info@rustyanchor.co.nz www.rustyanchor.co.nz

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfiji.comwww. beachcomberfiji.com AQUARIUS PACIFIC HOTELS LIMITED 17 Wasawasa Road, Newtown, Wailoaloa, Nadi Ph: (679) 6726 000 Fax: (679) 6726 001 reservations@aquariusfiji.com www.aquariusfiji.com

THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fijibeachouse.com www.fijibeachouse.com SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfiji.com, Skype name: Smugglers Cove

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandfiji. com HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachfiji.com

BBM-593 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

ADVENTURE SPORTS SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au

AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com

The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

SIMPLY SKYDIVE SYDNEY P.O. Box 5060 Elanora Heights NSW 2101 Sydney International Regatta Centre

Penrith Lakes NSW 2750 FreeCall 1800 SKYDIVE Ph: 02/92238444 Fax: 02/92315878 Info@simplyskydive.com.au www.simplyskydive.com.au

Awesome views of Sydney and the Blue Mountains!

SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au

Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au

Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

NEW ZEALAND

SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com

NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj

‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

SOUTH WEST ROCKS DIVE CENTRE 5/98 Gregory St, South West Rocks, NSW, 2431 Tel: 02 65 66 6474 info@southwestrocksdive.com.au www.southwestrocksdive.com.au

Experience Australia’s best ocean cave & shark dive. Catering for first timers to experienced divers

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. FISH ROCK DIVE CENTRE 134 Gregory St South West Rocks, NSW 2431 Ph: (02) 6566 6614 or 0414 381985 www.fishrock.com.au dive@fishrock.com.au World class diving, Gray Nurse Sharks, Caves, Whales...this is the real thing!

NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE

Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS

Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

FIJI

SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

YOUNG TRAVELLERS TOURS MELBOURNE Ph - 0488 002 212 www.yttours.com Fun original tours along the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island! One day tour from $90 OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au

JET BOATING

NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET

The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

ROLLERBLADING AUSTRALIA

The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.

ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022

RAFTING

GLACIER GUIDING

OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au

Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz

AUSTRALIA

Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au

HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA

BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au

KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA

NEW ZEALAND

SURFSHACK IS AN ACCREDITED SURF SCHOOL Lessons from $50 for 2 hours Lake Entrance Surf Shack 507 Esplanade Ph: 03 5155 4933 Mallacoota Surf Shack 41 Maurice Avenue Ph: 03 5158 0909 www.surfshack.com.au

JUNGLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS PO Box 117 Port Douglas, Queensland Ph: 07 4098 0043 info@junglesurfing.com.au www.junglesurfing.com.au

RIVER BOARDING NEW ZEALAND

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797 www.riverboarding.co.nz

SHARK EXPEDITIONS AUSTRALIA

SURFING

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, Adelaide, South Australia, 5070 Ph: (08) 8363 1788 www.rodneyfox.com.au

AUSTRALIA

BUNGY JUMPING

Take a breathtaking guided trip on the West Coast’s longest and less crowded glacier amidst fascinating ice formations with NZ’s most experienced glacier guiding company. Offering a full range of trips to suit all fitness levels.

SURF CAMP AUSTRALIA 235 CLARENCE ST, SYDNEY PH: (02) 9262 1757 www.surfcamp.com.au SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Chris@surfingaustralia.com http://www.surfingaustralia.com

Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience

MOJOSURF 2/9 Marvel Street Ph: 02 6639 5100 reservations@mojosurf.com http://mojosurf.com Living the dream… SANCTUARY SURFERS 201 Waymouth Street Adelaide South Australia 5000 Ph: 0403 134 478 luke.j.d@gmail.com www.sanctuary.net.au

AUSTRALIA

AJ HACKETT CAIRNS Mc Gregor Road Smithfield, QLD 4878 Ph: (07) 4057 7188 Free call: 1800 622 888 (Aus only) Cairns.reception@ajhackett.com www.cairns.ajhackett.com

KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA

KITE REPUBLIC Shop: 10-18 Jacka Blvd. St.Kilda Sea Baths Complex, St.Kilda 3182 Melbourne, VIC Ph:(03) 95370644 Mob: +61 418583233 info@kiterepublic.com.au www.kiterepublic.com.au

KITESURF 1770 / IKO CERTIFIED KITEBOARDING SCHOOL/CENTRE 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@kitesurf1770.com.au www.kitesurf1770.com.au

Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.

BBM-593 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

CRYSTAL BALLS

Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week Gemini

You have to resort to sly tactics

YOU strongly believe actions

to reclaim your place.

Sagittarius THERE is something about

speak louder than words and when that action is a

You’ve also got to learn to

you that draws other people

particularly robust bowel

separate what you want and

in and makes them want to be

movement, it is indeed very

what you need.

around you. It is those massive breasts, you lucky girl.

loud. Let’s put it simply: food & Maybe a change or two to your

accommodation = need.

You may not like what you see

diet is in order?

Prostitutes, drugs, booze &

around you but that’s because

flash car = want.

you’re looking through foggy goggles – always sincere even

You can feel it coming in the air

Aries

tonight... oh sorry, that should

Virgo

YOU’VE got to know when to

have read ‘you can feel him

AUSTRALIAN chocolate

hold ’em, know when to fold

coming in your hair tonight.’

may not be a patch on

Capricorn

British chocolate but it is still

YOUR mummy always told you

Isn’t this new dogging hobby

chocolate and that is what

you couldn’t follow through.

exciting?

counts.

Well now there’s a rumble in the

prowess extends to messing up

Cancer

And judging by the brown

the rules of snap, I suggest you

YOU have recently left

marks around your mouth

don’t play for money this week.

someone very important to you,

and ever expanding waistline,

Have some toilet paper handy.

and you naturally feel as though

you’re really not that fussy.

You’re the kind of person who

‘em, know when to walk away and know when to run.

jungle and you have a chance

However, as your card playing

You will invite scorn upon

people are missing you.

to prove her wrong.

always thinks they are getting

Libra

yourself after asking friends

a bad rap.

if they would like to go to a

Wrong. You should have seen

YOU’RE a bit of a perfectionist

Jedward concert with you.

the party the day after you

and this may account for the

But it’s because your favourite

finally buggered off – it was the

fact you’ve been single for so

song is Culture Beat’s Mr Vain.

stuff of legend.

damn long.

like that brand of anodyne,

Those champagne cocktails

However, the fact that you look

PARANOID is your middle

corporate shit.

were never ending and snorting

like you’ve been hit by a bus

name. You might think everyone

coke off a dwarf’s head was

can’t be discounted.

hates you but don’t worry

I’d advise you to start hanging

Aquarius

around people who actually

Taurus

– it’s merely disdain. It’s not

unforgettable.

THE ONLY boy who could ever

An important question you

your fault you are a pug ugly bastard.

reach you was the son of a

You’re a very jealous person,

might want to ask yourself is

preacher man.

always feeling that others have

how do blind people know they

got a better deal than you.

are done wiping?

the offspring of one so holy

But considering that all the

Scorpio

proportional to the reach. No?

would have such a giant love

other star signs got really cool

YOU can smell something fishy

Well you will soon enough

muscle?

names and yours was named

and it seems your pet cat is

because you are about to get a

after a deadly illness, that’s

getting a taste of it too. But this

chronic case of genital herpes.

hardly surprising.

isn’t New Zealand and we don’t

Who would have thought that

Like on your wedding night, best to stand firm.

You know the old saying, the severity of the itch is

there are some times when it is

Leo

condone bestiality so stop

Pisces

moggy from licking your bean.

THIS is the second time that

IT’S always a nasty feeling to

when you don’t mean it.

you have been scared to death.

One of these however is not

go away for just a couple of

It is inevitable that you will get

when you’re drunk and thinking

weeks only to find you’ve been

caught with your pants down.

So if my mathematics are right,

you can take on a moving train.

replaced by someone better

But don’t piss against the wind

tecnically, you are dead. How

than you.

because you’ll get wet.

unfortunate.

BBM-593 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ASK CRYSTAL the gloom, I think he is engaging

This young lad is obviously

Dear ‘Geordie Lass’,

in some, er, midnight milkshakes.

hornier than a triceratops on

YOU sound like a modern

I mean he’s keeping me awake

Viagra, so why not join him in the

sophisticated woman who knows

by twanging the one-string bass.

bunk and take advantage of him?

how to carry herself, so ignore

I’m quite shy and don’t know

If he’s like you and has got a

at you funny, they are probably

how to deal with this. But he’s

face like a bag of nails then it will

bogans.

in the bunk below and it is really

be dark anyway, so don’t worry

starting to bother me.

about it.

the local lads who are looking

Dear Crystal,

Margo, Perth

I HAVE been staying in a six-bed

Wear’em short and be proud my girl, you’ll soon find some hot

Dear Crystal,

spunk (as they say around here) who will warm them up.

dorm room in a lovely hostel for

Dear Margo,

WHEN I was plannin’ me trip to

quite some time now and have

BY the sounds of your letter,

Oz, I thought that it would be

made it my home from home.

you don’t get out that much and

canny and hot all the time like,

If this doesn’t work, I have a

– forgive me for being blunt here

but since ayes got here it’s done

novel idea that I have been told

– you’re probably a munter.

nothing but piss doon.

could entice the opposite sex.

been lovely, but recently a young

With that in mind, I’m gong to

I’m naa soft southern twat who

Why not learn to read and write,

English man arrived who has a

impart some advice given to me

squeals every time she gets an

and talk for that matter. Having a

disturbing nocturnal habit.

by my uncle Nobbie, who swore

icicle in her kecks but avv only

strange accent can be interesting

by the old adage ‘take any port

brought ma mini-skorts and the

at first, but men can become

in a storm.’

local lads keep looking at me

tired of listening to someone who

funny like. What shoulda dee?

sounds like a bad Jimmy Nail

People come and go and most of my temporary room mates have

From what I can see and hear in

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail editor@britishballs.com

A Geordie Lass, Brisbane

impersonator.

JOKES TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS

I READ something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said “Toilets closed”. Peter, Yorkshire AS I looked down at my son in his coffin, I thought: “Why can’t the little Emo twat sleep in a bed like normal teenagers?” John, Wollongong DOES Africa have a Lynx ‘England’ Deodorant that smells of cigarettes and disappointment? Rick, Darwin I THINK my teacher fancies me; there were loads of kisses all over my homework... And a photo of his cock. Jimbo, Townsville My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I’m worried because it means I can also get it one day. Thankfully nobody in our family has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s before. Jack, Chicago OUR Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds. She’s very tidy downstairs though. Roger, Randwick 58

MY GIRLFRIEND ended up with two blackeyes last night. I can’t believe she fell for the old boot polish on the binoculars trick. Sam, Surry Hills WHEN you catch a fish and put it back, do you reckon it goes back to its mates and says it was abducted by aliens? Timothy, Perth I WAS in a mood earlier because the wife accused me of always trying to be clever. After hours of awkward silence, she asked: “What’s the matter?” I replied: “It is the basic structural component of the universe.” Ted, Leeds JUST downloaded the new FIFA 11 commentary update. Not much different, although when my girlfriend went on it, Andy Gray shouted: “put that fucking controller down and get back to the kitchen.” Dexy, Surry Hills

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Bragging Rights

SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE Manchester United Arsenal Manchester City Chelsea Tottenham Hotspur Sunderland Liverpool Blackburn Rovers Newcastle United Stoke City Bolton Wanderers Blackpool Aston Villa Everton Fulham West Bromwich Albion Birmingham City Wigan Athletic Wolverhampton Wanderers West Ham United

Pl 23 23 24 23 23 24 24 24 23 23 24 23 24 23 24 23 22 24 23 24

W 14 14 13 12 10 9 9 9 8 9 7 8 7 5 5 7 4 4 6 4

D 9 4 6 5 8 10 5 4 6 3 9 4 7 12 11 4 11 10 3 9

L 0 5 5 6 5 5 10 11 9 11 8 11 10 6 8 12 7 10 14 11

LEAGUE 1

CHAMPIONSHIP +/30 26 17 23 6 4 0 -6 3 0 -1 -7 -13 -2 -1 -14 -10 -19 -17 -19

Pts 51 46 45 41 38 37 32 31 30 30 30 28 28 27 26 25 23 22 21 21

Tables accurate as of Friday January 28th, AEST.

Queens Park Rangers Cardiff City Norwich City Swansea City Nottingham Forest Leeds United Watford Reading Burnley Millwall Leicester City Hull City Barnsley Coventry City Derby County Doncaster Rovers Bristol City Portsmouth Ipswich Town Middlesbrough Sheffield United Crystal Palace Scunthorpe United Preston North End

Pl 27 27 27 28 26 28 26 27 27 27 28 27 27 28 27 26 28 27 26 27 27 27 25 26

W 14 14 13 14 12 12 12 10 10 10 11 9 10 10 10 9 8 8 9 8 7 7 7 5

D 10 5 8 5 10 9 6 11 10 9 6 10 7 6 4 7 8 7 4 6 6 5 3 6

L 3 8 6 9 4 7 8 6 7 8 11 8 10 12 13 10 12 12 13 13 14 15 15 15

+/28 12 9 9 14 7 13 13 7 7 -5 -1 -5 -2 0 -5 -11 -5 -6 -5 -17 -21 -18 -18

Pts 52 47 47 47 46 45 42 41 40 39 39 37 37 36 34 34 32 31 31 30 27 26 24 21

Brighton and Hove Albion AFC Bournemouth Huddersfield Town Southampton Milton Keynes Dons FC Peterborough United Oldham Athletic Charlton Athletic Rochdale Sheffield Wednesday Colchester United Carlisle United Exeter City Hartlepool United Plymouth Argyle Leyton Orient Brentford Notts County Tranmere Rovers Swindon Town Yeovil Town Bristol Rovers Dagenham & Redbridge Walsall

Pl 25 26 26 25 27 24 25 24 25 25 24 23 25 25 27 24 25 24 25 26 25 25 24 26

W 14 12 13 12 12 12 10 10 9 10 8 9 9 9 9 8 9 9 8 7 7 6 5 5

D 7 7 4 5 4 3 9 8 9 5 11 7 7 7 6 8 5 4 6 8 6 9 6 5

LEAGUE 2 L 4 7 9 8 11 9 6 6 7 10 5 7 9 9 12 8 11 11 11 11 12 10 13 16

+/25 19 10 21 -3 4 2 6 5 8 -1 10 -6 -8 -9 2 -3 0 -8 -7 -13 -16 -15 -23

D 5 4 5 4 5 8 4 3 9 5 7 7 7 9 6 7 5 4 3 5

L 3 5 5 6 5 4 7 8 5 9 7 8 7 7 8 9 11 12 13 13

Pts 49 43 43 41 40 39 39 38 36 35 35 34 34 34 33 32 32 31 30 29 27 27 21 20

Chesterfield Wycombe Wanderers Crewe Alexandra Rotherham United Port Vale Shrewsbury Town Oxford United Bury Gillingham Cheltenham Town Stevenage Football Club Torquay United Southend United Aldershot Town Accrington Stanley Northampton Town Morecambe Bradford City Macclesfield Town Burton Albion Hereford United Lincoln City Barnet Stockport County

Pl 25 25 26 25 25 26 26 24 26 26 24 24 25 25 24 25 25 26 24 21 24 23 27 27

W 15 13 11 11 11 10 11 10 10 10 8 8 9 8 7 8 8 9 7 6 6 7 6 5

D 7 7 8 8 7 9 5 7 7 7 9 9 6 8 10 7 6 3 6 7 7 4 7 9

L 3 5 7 6 7 7 10 7 9 9 7 7 10 9 7 10 11 14 11 8 11 12 14 13

+/23 9 18 11 7 10 1 12 3 0 9 7 2 -6 -2 -7 -5 -10 -11 2 -13 -13 -16 -31

Pts 52 46 41 41 40 39 38 37 37 37 33 33 33 32 31 31 30 30 27 25 25 25 25 24

EUROPEAN LEAGUES

FOCUS ON... FRANCE WHATEVER happened to lollysucking Fulham fancier Jean Tigana? Well he’s in charge at Bordeaux and what’s more, the Kojak impersonator is in the middle of a bit of a tug of war. The fans aren’t happy with on-loan striker Moussa Maazou who, after the club’s humiliating cup defeat last week, said he didn’t care because he’ll end up back at CSKA Moscow soon anyway. Naturally, the French fans were a tad pissed off with his attitude and decided to make their opinions heard by spraypainting them on the club’s training ground wall. Tigana’s now been forced not to play Maazou again for the rest of the season.

Lille OSC Paris Saint-Germain Rennes Olympique Lyon Olympique Marseille Toulouse FC Montpellier HSC Saint-Etienne Stade Brest Girondins Bordeaux FC Sochaux FC Lorient AS Nancy AJ Auxerre OGC Nice Valenciennes RC Lens Caen

Pl 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20

W 10 9 9 9 8 9 8 7 7 6 7 7 7 4 5 5 5 5

D 8 7 7 7 8 3 6 8 7 9 4 4 4 12 8 7 7 6

L 2 4 4 4 4 8 6 5 6 5 9 9 9 4 7 8 8 9

+/17 10 10 8 11 2 -3 5 3 2 5 -5 -9 3 -6 -1 -12 -9

SERIE A Pts 38 34 34 34 32 30 30 29 28 27 25 25 25 24 23 22 22 21

AC Milan Napoli AS Roma Lazio Internazionale Juventus Palermo Udinese Sampdoria Cagliari Fiorentina Parma Bologna Chievo Genoa Catania Lecce Cesena Brescia Bari

Pl 21 21 21 21 20 21 21 21 20 21 20 21 21 21 20 21 21 21 21 21

W 13 12 11 11 10 9 10 10 6 7 6 6 7 5 6 5 5 5 5 3

LA LIGA +/19 12 7 6 11 10 9 6 2 2 0 -4 -6 -2 -4 -9 -18 -12 -10 -19

Pts 44 40 38 37 35 35 34 33 27 26 25 25 25 24 24 22 20 19 18 14

FC Barcelona Real Madrid Villarreal CF Valencia CF RCD Espanyol Athletic Bilbao Atlético Madrid Sevilla FC RCD Mallorca Getafe CF Real Sociedad Hércules CF Deportivo La Coruña Racing Santander Sporting Gijón Real Zaragoza Osasuna UD Almería Málaga CF Levante UD

Pl 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20

W 18 16 13 12 12 10 9 9 8 8 8 6 5 5 4 4 4 3 5 4

D 1 3 3 4 1 2 3 2 3 3 1 4 6 5 7 7 6 8 2 3

L 1 1 4 4 7 8 8 9 9 9 11 10 9 10 9 9 10 9 13 13

SCOTTISH PREMIER Celtic Rangers Heart of Midlothian Kilmarnock Inverness Caledonian Thistle Motherwell Dundee United St. Johnstone Aberdeen St. Mirren Hibernian Hamilton Academical

Pl 23 21 22 22 24 22 19 21 22 22 22 20

W 17 16 14 9 7 8 6 7 7 4 4 2

D 4 2 3 5 8 4 8 5 2 6 4 7

L 2 3 5 8 9 10 5 9 13 12 14 11

+/36 26 16 10 1 0 -3 -11 -16 -18 -18 -23

Pts 55 50 45 32 29 28 26 26 23 18 16 13

BBM-593 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

+/53 31 19 10 2 1 7 -2 -2 -3 -3 -9 -12 -14 -9 -14 -9 -14 -18 -14

Pts 55 51 42 40 37 32 30 29 27 27 25 22 21 20 19 19 18 17 17 15

FOOTBALL RESULTS Wednesday, 26 January Barclays Premier League Liverpool 1-0 Fulham Carling Cup Birmingham 3-1 West Ham (agg 4-3) (AET) Clydesdale Bank Premier League Celtic 4-0 Hearts Hibernian 0-2 Rangers Inverness CT 0-2 Aberdeen St Johnstone 1-0 Motherwell St Mirren 1-1 Dundee Utd Blue Square North Gloucester 1-1 Worcester Welsh Premier League Newtown 0-0 Llanelli ---------------------------------------------------------Tuesday, 25 January Barclays Premier League Blackpool 2-3 Man Utd Wigan 1-2 Aston Villa Carling Cup Arsenal 3-0 Ipswich (agg 3-1) Npower Championship Doncaster 0-2 Barnsley Nott’m Forest 1-0 Bristol City Portsmouth 1-2 Burnley Npower League One Brighton 2-0 Colchester Hartlepool 1-1 Notts County Leyton Orient 2-2 MK Dons Sheff Wed 2-2 Yeovil Swindon 0-0 Tranmere Walsall 1-1 Oldham Npower League Two Cheltenham 1-2 Lincoln City Crewe 2-1 Bradford Gillingham 0-2 Chesterfield Hereford 2-1 Morecambe Oxford Utd 3-1 Shrewsbury Port Vale 0-0 Barnet Southend 4-1 Macclesfield Stevenage 3-0 Rotherham Blue Square Premier Altrincham 4-2 Hayes & Yeading Barrow 1-1 Histon Bath City 2-2 AFC Wimbledon Crawley Town 3-0 Cambridge Utd Darlington 0-0 Mansfield Eastbourne Boro 1-4 Tamworth Forest Green 1-1 Kidderminster Kettering 2-1 Fleetwood Town Luton 1-0 Grimsby Scottish Cup Airdrie Utd 2-5 Morton Stranraer 4-3 Stenhousemuir Scottish Championship Second Division Dumbarton 1-2 Forfar Scottish Championship Third Division Albion 0-0 Annan Athletic Arbroath 3-5 East Stirling Blue Square North Boston Utd 1-0 Redditch Gainsborough 0-2 Blyth Spartans Guiseley 3-2 Hinckley Utd Nuneaton 1-2 Hyde Solihull Moors 1-0 Vauxhall Motors Workington 0-3 Eastwood Town Blue Square South Boreham Wood 0-1 Welling Braintree Town 3-1 Bishop’s Stortford Dorchester 0-1 Basingstoke Ebbsfleet United 2-2 Thurrock St Albans 0-1 Eastleigh Welsh Premier League Bala Town 1-2 Carmarthen Haverfordwest 0-1 Port Talbot Carling Premiership Crusaders 2-1 Newry Linfield 1-0 Glenavon Portadown 1-0 Lisburn Distillery ---------------------------------------------------------Monday, 24 January Barclays Premier League Bolton 0-4 Chelsea Blue Square North Droylsden 2-2 Stalybridge ---------------------------------------------------------Sunday, 23 January Barclays Premier League Blackburn 2-0 West Brom Npower Championship QPR 2-1 Coventry

BBM-593 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

International Match USA 1-1 Chile Welsh Premier League Neath 2-1 Prestatyn Town

FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS!

---------------------------------------------------------Saturday, 22 January Barclays Premier League Arsenal 3-0 Wigan Aston Villa 1-0 Man City Blackpool 1-2 Sunderland Everton 2-2 West Ham Fulham 2-0 Stoke Man Utd 5-0 Birmingham Newcastle 1-1 Tottenham Wolverhampton 0-3 Liverpool Npower Championship Barnsley 1-1 Swansea Cardiff 4-2 Watford Crystal Palace 0-0 Bristol City Derby 0-1 Nott’m Forest Ipswich 3-2 Doncaster Leicester 4-2 Millwall Middlesbrough 1-1 Preston Portsmouth 2-2 Leeds Reading 1-1 Hull Scunthorpe 0-0 Burnley Sheff Utd 1-2 Norwich Npower League One Bournemouth 1-0 Brighton Bristol Rovers 3-1 Swindon Charlton 2-0 Plymouth Dag & Red 0-1 MK Dons Exeter 2-1 Walsall Huddersfield 0-0 Colchester Leyton Orient 4-0 Sheff Wed Notts County 0-1 Carlisle Oldham 2-1 Brentford Peterborough 4-0 Hartlepool Tranmere 2-0 Southampton Yeovil 0-1 Rochdale Npower League Two Aldershot 3-2 Crewe Macclesfield 1-1 Barnet Northampton 2-1 Oxford Utd Port Vale 0-1 Cheltenham Shrewsbury 0-0 Chesterfield Stevenage 2-0 Morecambe Stockport 3-4 Lincoln City Torquay 1-1 Gillingham Wycombe 1-0 Rotherham Clydesdale Bank Premier League Celtic 1-0 Aberdeen Hearts 1-0 Rangers Inverness CT 1-1 Hamilton Kilmarnock 1-1 Dundee Utd Motherwell 2-0 Hibernian St Johnstone 0-0 St Mirren Blue Square Premier AFC Wimbledon 5-0 Southport Altrincham 0-3 Bath City Cambridge Utd 1-3 Wrexham Fleetwood Town 1-1 Hayes & Yeading Grimsby 0-0 Crawley Town Kettering 3-0 Eastbourne Boro Kidderminster 2-0 Barrow Luton 2-2 Gateshead Mansfield 1-0 Histon Newport County 1-3 Rushden & D’mnds Tamworth 1-1 Darlington York 2-1 Forest Green Scottish Football First Division Dundee 1-0 Falkirk Raith Rovers 2-2 Morton Scottish Championship Second Division Ayr 2-2 Peterhead Stenhousemuir 1-0 Airdrie Utd Scottish Championship Third Division Elgin 2-1 Stranraer Montrose 0-1 Annan Athletic Queen’s Park 1-0 Berwick Blue Square North AFC Telford 2-2 Hinckley Utd Boston Utd 1-1 Guiseley Gainsborough 1-1 Solihull Moors Gloucester 2-0 Workington Hyde 0-2 Blyth Spartans Redditch 1-3 Stalybridge Stafford Rangers 3-5 Corby Vauxhall Motors 1-1 Nuneaton Blue Square South Basingstoke 0-2 St Albans Braintree Town 3-1 Hampton & Richmond Chelmsford 4-1 Bishop’s Stortford Dartford 4-1 Farnborough Eastleigh 3-0 Dorchester Ebbsfleet United 1-2 Bromley

CHECK out BBM’s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.premierleague.com for all the latest results and standings. Table below was up to date at time of going to press.

Prizes

(in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $400 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100

TEAM

MANAGER

TOT

alovelycupoftea

James Horrocks

124

1337

Dizzying Heights FC

Siva Iyer

1306

every week you

dan magee

113

1294

Stop, Hammertime!

Paul Steadman

106

1253

Mukin Fagic

Luke Gately

1245

Alan’s Deep Bath

jason kerley

145

1234

bobby dazzlerz

tom mcelwain

149

1232

Evertonian

John Armitage

1213

Alcohol Fc

Ron f

1206

TippytappyFC

Richie Egan

1193

Your Ma’s Athletic

brian o gorman

1187

Red Incas

Mark Stansfield

1184

Tallulah

Neil Weaver

1178

Rootin & Tootin

Oisin Coveney

1177

Ozzies Allstars ***

James Osborne

1176

Juggernauts

Gaurav Rana

100

1168

Holy-family ‘B’ team

Pat Mustard

1156

fisty cuffs fc

Marc Roche

120

1145

Insert Name Here Utd

Richard Gadsby

1142

cocksocks fc

ally livingston

1136

New Entry

Ranking Increased

Ranking stayed the same

Ranking Fell

UFC 127 LIVE FROM SYDNEY

UFC 127

Live from Acer Arena, Sydney Sunday, February 27

FIGHT CARD BJ Penn vs. Jon Fitch 24 - 1 - 7

23 - 1 - 3

Michael Bisping vs. Jorge Rivera 20 - 3

THEY’RE BACK! A YEAR after practically blowing the roof off Sydney’s Acer Arena, the UFC is coming back for seconds - selling out Acer in record time for the UFC 127 pay-per-view event at the end of February. Headlining this year’s event is UFC legend and former Lightweight and Welterweight Champion, BJ Penn. Fresh off a 21-second win over Matt Hughes in November, ‘the Prodigy’ is known for his excellent submissions and strong standup.

14 - 2

of taking down BJ is Jon Fitch, a black belt in Guerrilla Jiu Jitsu.

Representing the Brits on the card are Michael Bisping, Curt Warburton, Tom Blackledge and Ross Pearson while George Sotiropoulos and Kyle Noke will be fighting on the main card in their home country.

17 - 7

Carlos Condit vs. Chris Lytle 26 - 5

30 - 5 - 17

Kyle Noke vs. Chris Camozzi 18 - 1 - 4

Undefeated since August 2008, Fitch is ranked as the second best welterweight in the world and is known for his wrestling ability - 47% of his fights are made up of takedowns.

The man faced with the daunting task

19 - 7

George Sotiropoulos vs. Dennis Siver

14 - 3

Ross Pearson vs. Spencer Fisher 11 - 4

24 - 6

James Te-Huna vs. Alex Gustafsson 12 - 4

10 - 1

Nick Ring vs. Riki Fukuda 10 - 0

17 - 4

Mark Hunt vs. Chris Tuchscherer 5-7

18 - 1 - 3

Maciej Jewtuszko vs. Curt Warburton 8-0

6-2

Anthony Perosh vs. Tom Blackledge 10 - 6

10 - 6

Zhang Tie Quan vs. Jason Reinhardt 12 - 1

20 - 1

BJ PENN

JON FITCH

That fight against Matt Hughes, you must sit back and play that knockout over and over... It was a great thing to watch but now’s not the time to sit down and look at the past, especially with the fight against Jon getting closer and closer. I’ll go back and watch the match when I retire but I gotta concentrate on Jon right now.

What part of BJ’s fight do you need to target the most? Whenever I watch a fight I always think about how I would take a certain guy down or what my strategy would be against them. I already have some ideas and a gameplan, focusing on what’s worked for his opponents in the past. Without giving too much away, we’re going to look at why others have been successful against BJ and why people failed. Let’s hope we can make that success happen and prevent the failures.

I’d presume one benefit was that you had less recovery time after the fight so you could go straight back into training? Actually that’s what I’ve been doing my last few fights. In the past I would take a couple of months off after a fight and try and do a crash course and quickly prepare. I’m always in the gym these days though and I’d actually rather train all year round. When do you start looking at tapes of Jon to strategise, is it after you know you’re physically prepared or straight away? My physical preparation is pretty good right now, I’m quite close to fight shape. I’m not the guy to watch the tapes and pick everything apart, I just gotta go in and beat him. You’ve fought in England, Japan and Abu Dhabi before. How does an international fight change things up for you? Australia’s really good, you’re only three hours behind me in Hawaii so it’s like I’m flying over to Los Angeles for a fight. Doesn’t interrupt the preparation at all, it’s just a longer plane flight.

Dana White made some harsh comments about you after UFC 117, does that make you more determined going into this fight? I’m a pretty driven person anyway, so it doesn’t matter what others want to say about me. I’m always my worst critic so there’s nothing that anybody can say about me that I haven’t said to myself before. The last three years, all your fights have gone to decision. Is that your main concern at the moment? I have had a lot of decisions in the past, and have struggled with that. I actually haven’t had a full camp for a fight in a while except for the fight against Thiago Alves, and he’s a hard guy to finish. [laughs] The rest have been replacement fights and last minute changes. We’ve been working on changing a few things up in training and focusing on setting up and finishing people. The good thing is that I’ve still found a way to win regardless of whether I could finish.

$/.+!20%4 0TY ,TD $ , TRADING AS

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ENGLAND’S

WORLD SPORT

SHE’S THE MAN

POMS ROLL ON CRICKET: Can England complete Australia’s humiliation by coming back from 3-0 down to win the ODI series? Andrew Strauss certainly thinks so. Hurrah! After our 21-run win in Adelaide made it 3-1 last week, the England captain has targeted a Lazarus style comeback in the seven-match series. “I don’t see any reason why not,” said Strauss. “Jonathan Trott’s hundred was a very high quality innings and we probably could have got more than our 299. That is generally defendable here but the bowlers did a really good job.”

ATHLETICS: Freakish man-woman Caster Semenya says she is unaffected by the controversy which has surrounded her in recent years, in her first major interview since the world found out she’d got a crazy downstairs mix-up.

Several under-pressure England players put in good performances in Adelaide, notably wicketkeeper Matt Prior, who recovered from two ducks at the top of the order to hit an attacking 67 from 58 balls, which featured eight fours and a six.

“I didn’t see it as a big deal, I know people talk, but I don’t care,” said Semenya in a gruff darts-player voice. “I’m not ashamed of being myself... I know who I am. There’s only one person who can judge me. There’s only God.”

“He showed his attributes with shots down the ground and put the Australian bowlers under pressure,” Strauss jizzed.

And she said she wants to concentrate on the future, with her sights firmly set on the 2012 Olympics.

“We will be looking for more of that in the final three games but he feels very relieved to have contributed.”

“You need to think about positive things, about the future,” she said. “So that’s how I’m living. You don’t have to think about the things that happen in the past. They will destroy you.”

Paul Collingwood recovered some form with a six in his 27 and shared an important stand of 56 with Michael Yardy.

We think she’s on about her cock.

Australia’s Gold Coast Choose YOUR OWN adventure in Australia’s playground

Spectacular!

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Most savvy travellers think they know what to expect on the Gold Coast; brilliant beaches, super Surfers Paradise nightlife, theme parks galore and the best looking talent in the country. But only a plucky few explorers uncover more than the travel guides are willing to admit. How’d they miss 100,000 hectares of world heritage rainforest, 500 kilometres of canals, the year round water sports or the sacred indigenous landmarks? Perhaps they just weren’t up for the challenge. Choose YOUR OWN adventure in Australia’s playground.

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WORLD SPORT SUPER BOWL XLV GRIDIRON: The NFL play-offs are over with the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers on the long road to Dallas to compete against each other at Super Bowl XLV. With injuries and suspensions throughout much of the season these two teams were not expected, or predicted, to make a visit to the Super Bowl. However, their performances in the play-offs were impeccable as their defenses clashed with some of the best offenses around the league including the New England Patriots and the New York Jets. Both quarterbacks, Aaron Rogers from the Packers and Ben Rothlesberger from the Steelers, have been at the top of their game and are seen as some of the best quarterbacks to play the game. There is no doubt that this Super Bowl will be one to remember as the match-up is one of the tightest in recent memory. - by Brian Weiss

ENGLAND’S

YEARLY CYCLE CYCLING: Roid-pumping dope fiend Alberto Contador has been banned for a year after his positive drugs test. The Tour de France champ tested positive for banned drug clenbuterol, which the three-time Tour winner said came from contaminated meat. Contaminated meat? Right. Why didn’t he just say ‘the dog ate it’ and be done with it. Contador, who survived a serious illness six years ago, has always maintained his innocence and said last year: “The UCI itself affirmed in front of me that it was a case of food contamination. “This is a genuine mistake. I think it will be resolved in a clear way, with the truth up front. “This is a real error. The system is very questionable and it has to be changed. I cannot tolerate the idea of a possible sanction.” Maybe it’s just us, but it sounds like he’s going to take his own life.

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FOOTBALL

VIEWS

OOMPA LOOMPAS NO MATCH FOR SPEEDY WE ALL watched the first half of Blackpool versus Manchester United. We all thought that finally this was the moment where United would lose. The crowd was filled with Blackpool supporters, some dressing up like Oompa Loompas to show their support for the Tangerines. And, briefly, it looked like dressing up as chocolate factory slaves was going to pay off. If only Wayne Rooney had stayed longer on the pitch… Alas, Sir Alex Ferguson is too smart and too experienced. He brought his secret weapon known as Speedy goal Hernandez. Once Speedy stepped on the pitch it only took three minutes and United had scored two goals. So let’s forget about the Premier League title, we

might as well just gift wrap it and hand it to Sir Alex. Instead BBM has decided that the greatest achievement in this year’s Premier League will be which team can beat United. Beating United is what every club should aspire too this year (especially Arsenal). It would mean they will not end this year’s Premier League with the tag ‘The Invincibles’ and would wipe that smug look off Sir Purplenose’s face.

Who wouldn’t want to shock Sir Alex - just like Manchester City fans were left in shock when Aston Villa showed them that all your need is 24 million pounds to win games. That said City’s Emmanuel Adebayor’s is now on loan to the Spanish Man City wannabes, Real Madrid. This is the same Madrid who spent 35 million Euros on striker Karim Benzema for a total of two goals in La Liga this season. Another underperformer this season, Fernando Torres, has given King Kenny his first win, though rumour has it that he may have to make room for Luis Suarez. Let’s just hope someone has mentioned to Suarez that in the Premier League, handballs aren’t allowed. - Lorna Evio

SUSPENSIONS OF DISBELIEF IN LIEU of Frederic Piquionne’s red card for celebrating with fans, BBM has decided to take a look at football’s 10 dumbest suspensions: 10) David Beckham v Argentina – 1998 After being fouled by Diego Simeone, Beckham kicked out at the Argentine and subsequently kicked England out of the World Cup. 9) Xabi Alonso and Sergio Ramos v Ajax – 2010 Jose Mourinho told his defensive duo to get sent off and miss the last match of the Champions League group stage. UEFA caught on and fined the pair £16,700 and suspended Mourinho for two games. 8) Kevin Muscat v Watford – 1998 Out of all the ungodly challenges Muscat has pulled off, we could only include the stamp on Danny Webber. Why? It’s the only challenge where Muscat has actually been suspended [Adrian Zahra excluded]. 7) Danny Vukovic v Newcastle Jets – 2008 Danny Vukovic high-fived Mark Shield in the closing stages of the 2008 Grand Final. A 15 month suspension followed. 6) Carlos Tevez v River Plate - 2004 Tevez managed an 85th minute equaliser against rivals River Plate. To celebrate, he performed a scathing chicken dance and was

sent off for his efforts. 5) Pepe v Getafe - 2009 Pepe kicked and studded Fernando Casquero after Casquero dived for a penalty. Pepe received a 10 match ban. 4) Paulo Di Canio v Arsenal – 1998 Disgusted at being sent off, Di Canio decided to push referee Paul Alcock. Di Canio disappeared for 11 games and copped a £10,000 fine. 3) Eric Cantona v Crystal Palace – 1995 Cantona’s infamous kung-fu kick on a Palace fan earned him a four-month suspension, £20,000 fine and 120 hours community service. 2) Zinedine Zidane v Italy – 2006 The world watched as Zidane put his head into Marco Materazzi’s chest. Today, Zizou still says he would “rather die” than apologise. 1) Zvonimir Boban v Crvena Zvezda - 1990 Few players can claim to have started a bloody four year war; Boban can. In a full-blown riot, Boban saw a fan being beaten by what he thought was a Serbian policeman and launched a kick at the officer. Boban was suspended for six months and today is seen as a hero in Croatia and antiChrist in Serbia. Ironically, it turned out that the policeman was actually a Bosnian Muslim.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK “I got some sweets and the next thing I felt someone pull my overcoat. There are two guys on their knees in front of me and they’ve got my trousers and they keep pulling them. I’m pushing them away but while I’m doing that they’re rifling my pockets.” Harry Redknapp has his sweets nicked in Madrid. “I wouldn’t sell my house to someone who liked it, wanted it, but wouldn’t offer enough money.” Ian Holloway gives Liverpool’s interest in Charlie Adam short shrift “We just couldn’t handle Charlie Adam’s free-kicks and corners. We were all over the place. His corner kicks are worth £10million in themselves. The boy is an incredible striker of the ball.” We get the feeling Ferguson enjoyed offering Kenny Dalglish his own valuation of the midfielder. “There is no chance I would ever consider having all my hair cut off. My hair is my life. It’s so important to me. If you cut off my hair, it is like cutting out my heart or cutting off my legs. I would cry for days and days.” Anderson gets things in perspective. “It is a crappy place. The town is tiny, and there is no atmosphere. I go in.” Mohamed Diame does his bit for Wigan’s tourist board.

FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

BLUES MOVE FOR TORRES IN A parallel to Charlie Adam’s situation at Blackpool, Fernando Torres has had his hopes of joining a club with bigger ambitions thwarted after Liverpool turned down a £40million bid for the striker from Chelsea, according to The Sun. “Liverpool have had an offer for Fernando Torres from Chelsea and it has been turned down. He is not for sale,” blabbed an Anfield source. THERE may be a more underhand reason why Ian Holloway is holding out for £12million for Charlie Adam after it was revealed the Blackpool boss has a clause in his contract which allows him a percentage of the transfer fee. “If you’re saying I’m doing this because I’m getting 20-30 per cent of the Adam money I’ll not be very happy - it’s miles away,” admitted the rent-aquote Tangerines boss. TAXI for Song. Arsenal skinflint Alex Song says he walked five hours before finally hopping into a cab after the Gunners home game with Stoke was

postponed due to snow last month. Song said traffic was so bad he decided to leave his car at the Emirates and grab a taxi. “I walked and didn’t see anything - kept walking, still nothing. I kept going and going, and there was no point turning back. So I walked all the way to Brent Cross,” he whined. HE earns £7,500 a week but Blackpool’s makingthe-numbers-up striker Jason Euell has gone bankrupt after being scammed in a property venture. “I recently noticed some financial discrepancies and discovered my signature had been forged on documents. I have now put a legal team in place to investigate this,” he whined. FABIO Capello has given England fans a straw to clutch after saying he should have taken Theo Walcott to the World Cup. Because we’re sure his presence would have turned England’s abysmal campaign into 1966-style glory. “I made a mistake not selecting Theo. He is one of the players who can make the difference,” said Capello several months too late.

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE!

MOHAMED Diame has endeared himself to teammates and fans by describing Wigan as crappy, boring and cold. And just to lay the boot in, he added: “It is rare to see truly beautiful girls when you go out during the day.” PERMA-CROCK Jonathan Woodgate looks set to swap the plush treatment tables of Spurs for the slightly more economical treatment tables of Wolverhampton after being offered a loan move to Wolves. AT THE grand old age of 78, Edwin van der Sar has decided to trade his goalkeeping gloves for a bus pass after confirming he will retire in May. THE dozen or so dissenting voices in Man City’s backroom have been reduced by one following Emmanual Adebayor’s loan move to Real Madrid. “My dream has come true to be able to play football again at the highest level with Real Madrid,” he rubbed in.

with ace pundit Chris Kamara

“BLUE Square South club Boreham Wood FC have been praised for their sportsmanship after allowing Havant and Waterlooville to score against them during a league match – even though it meant they lost 2-1.

With nine minutes left, Havant kicked the ball off the field so an injured Boreham Wood player could receive treatment. When the match restarted, Boreham’s Mario Noto attempted to sportingly boot it back to the Havant keeper from the halfway line. Unfortunately, he connected a little too well and the ball flew straight into the net, leveling the scores. Boreham manager Ian Allinson, a former Arsenal player, wasn’t having it – so ordered his team to stand still at the next kick-off so Havant’s Wes Fogden could walk up the field and make it 2-1. “I’d rather lose the correct way,” said Allinson. Unbelievable Jeff!

SATURDAY Sunday 23rd January FIXTURES Premier League Barclays Blackburn v West Brom 29th January Saturday npower Championship Round FA Cup v Coventry QPR Fourth Aston Villa v Blackburn v Coventry Birmingham January Monday 24th Wigan Athletic Bolton v Premier League Barclays Albion v Burton Burnley v Chelsea Bolton Everton v Chelsea v Hereford Sheff Weds25th January Tuesday Man Utd Southampton 2nd Leg Cup Semiv Final Carling Reading Stevenage Ipswich (0) vv (1) Arsenal Orient v Leyton CityPremier Swansea League Barclays v Crawley Torquay Utd v ManTown Blackpool v Brighton Watford v Aston Villa Athletic Wigan Scottish FA Cup 4th Rnd (Rep) npower Utd v Morton AirdrieChampionship v Norwich C.Palacev Stenhousemuir Stranraer v QPR Hull City Championship npower NE Scunthorpe Barnsley DoncastervvPreston Nottm Forest v Bristol City 1 npower League v Burnley Portsmouth v Yeovil1 Brentford npower League Oldham Utdv vColchester Carlisle Brighton Plymouth Notts County Hartlepoolv vBournemouth v Charlton Rochdale v MK Dons Orient Leyton City v Exeter Swindon v Yeovil Sheff Weds Rovers v Bristol Walsall v Tranmere Swindon Walsall v Oldham npower League 22 npower League Barnet v Southend v Lincoln City Cheltenham Bradford Chesterfield Crewe v vBradford Crewe v Accrington v Chesterfield Gillingham Aldershot Gillingham Hereford v vMorecambe Vale City vv Port Lincoln Shrewsbury United Oxford Morecambe Barnet Port Valev vMacclesfield Cheltenham Unitedv vMacclesfield Oxford Southend Stockport Rotherham Stevenage vv Rotherham Premier Blue Square January 26th Wednesday v Altrincham Barrow Final 2nd Leg Cup Semi Carling Cambridge Bath City v (1) Ham v (2)WestUtd Birmingham 15.00 Kettering Darlington League Barclays vPremier Grimsby Eastbourne LiverpoolB vv Fulham v Forest Green Fleetwood Scottish Premier Clydesdale v Kidderminster Hayes v Hearts Celtic County v Newport Histon v Rangers Hibernian MansfieldCTv vWrexham Aberdeen Inverness Tamworth & Dmndsv vMotherwell R’den St Johnstone York City Southport Utd Mirren v vDundee St Friday 28th January Scottish Premier Clydesdale npower Championship Kilmarnock Acd’vvBarnsley Hamilton Millwall Johnstone v StLeague Hearts 1 npower Colchester v Peterborough Co-operative League 2 Cup npower Insurance Final Semi v Shrewsbury Bury

More pencil-moustached punditry and footballing facts next week folks! 70

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FOOTBALL

FEATURE

GRAY’S ANATOMY INSPECTIONS ACCORDING to Andy Gray, it’s impossible to understand the offside rule if you’ve got tits. It’s especially true if you’re not good looking enough for Andy Gray to want to bang you. It’s a controversial – some would say idiotic theory – and it’s cost the lightbulb-headed pundit his job with Sky Sports after he was caught off-camera making the comments about female lineswoman Sian Massey. And he’s taken his pet monkey with him.

first mated with Neanderthals, has also joined Andy (right) in leaving Sky from the cushiest job imaginable. The Massey thing is old news now though, with the whole week being one sexist revelation after another – including a slightly nauseating scene showing Gray asking sh fellow Sky presenter Charlotte Jackson to put a microphone down his trousers. The highlight, however, has to be a recording of idiot Keys chatting with Jamie Redknapp

Yes Richard Keys (right), officially the hairiest man since homo erectus

off o -air. “Would you smash it?” Keys asks Redknapp of an unnamed woman. When Redknapp reveals he used to go out with her, Keys says: “Mind you, that is a stupid question, if you were anywhere near it... you definitely smashed it. You could go round there any night and find Redknapp hanging out of the back of it.”

went for the job and it’s just a coincidence they’ve all got nice tits. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to have a wank over Alex Hammond and Millie Clode. Thanks Sky!

Fair play to Sky for their hardline stance on sexism in the workplace. Strange how all the woman presenters on Sky Sports News are all hot, young and blonde though? We’re sure it’s because they’re better qualified than anyone else who

TOP FIVE CONTROVERSIAL COMMENTATORS… “THE HELL WITH THEM!”

HUANG JIANXIANG

Famous for one of the most bias commentaries of all time, China’s Huang made no secret of his support for Italy in their 2006 World Cup match with Australia. “Penalty! Penalty! Penalty! Grosso’s done it! Grosso’s done it! Don’t give the Australians any chance!” he yelled among other things. Aussie fans weren’t happy.

“HE ABSOLUTELY RAPES HIM.”

ALAN PARDEW

We’ve all said the above quote at some stage, but we’ve never said it in front of an audience millions that possibly included former rape victims. Pardew used the somewhat dubious but oft-used footballing metaphor (above) to describe a tackle in a Man City v Chelsea game on the BBC. The complaints promptly flooded in.

“HE IS WHAT SOME PEOPLE WOULD CALL A FUCKING LAZY N----R.”

BIG FAT RON ATKINSON

How we cheered when Ron Atkinson’s TV career finally came to an end. Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite as dignified as he’d probably hoped with the big fat pundit revealing his inherently racist look on life with this comment about Marcel Desailly.

“DAVID BECKHAM WON’T GO TO NEWCASTLE … NOT AFTER WHAT THE TOON ARMY DID IN ASIA.” RODNEY MARSH

“CALL ME NAIVE BUT I DIDN’T THINK I WAS DOING ANYTHING WRONG.”

ROBBIE EARLE

Who would have thought boring-as-fuck Robbie Earle would end up on this list? The former ITV presenter was fired for his part in an ambush marketing campaign after being given no less than 400 tickets to the 2010 World Cup. At the time he said: “I hope when people hear the full story they will see me in a different light.” We’re still waiting Robbie...

Alongside such comedy heavyweights as Matt le Tissier and Alvin Martin, Rodney Marsh clearly felt he was Sky Sports’ king of wit. Unfortunately for him, his jokes were shit and he was fired for this ‘pun-tastic’ effort not long after the 2004 Asian tsunami claimed hundreds of lives.

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SPORT GUIDE

Contents PAGE 72 Football Top Five: Controversial Commentators PAGE 70 Football News: Torres gets the Blues PAGE 68 Football View: With Lorna Evio & Alen Delic

PAGE 66 World Sport: England on the up PAGE 64 World Sport: The Super Bowlâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s here!

PAGE 62 UFC Feature: Fitch v Penn

PAGES 60 & 61 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables

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