BBM Magazine 22nd Jan 2011 by bbmlive.com

CONTENTS The Cover

Review

Regulars

TAKING THE RICKY - 20 “The Bieb is petriﬁed of Ricky Gervais, if The Daily Star is to be trusted. Like any British press, it’s probably a rumour they misread on a Twitter feed.”

GREEN HORNET - 26 “Cameron Diaz [is] completely out of place and miscast, ten years older than Rogen yet is a pseudo-love interest. Next she’ll be attending school on Gossip Girl.”

Interview

Sport

COMPLETE STONE ROSES - 32 “It was about creating a little band doing a tribute to one of my favourite indie bands – one that didn’t have that many tributes at the time.”

VILLA GET BENT - 72 Avast ye midland-lubbers! Darren Bent for £24million? Clearly Aston Villa’s mad pirate king Gerard Houllier had some treasure buried away somewhere.

UK News Irish News World News Soaps Gossip The Wrap Reviews Interviews Sydney Melbourne Perth Recruitment Classiﬁeds Hostel Listings Crystal Balls Ask Crystal & Jokes Sport

JOBS & ACCOMODATION

6 12 14 18 20 24 26 30 34 38 42 44 48 52 56 58 74

MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Ben Harlum ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby richard.gadsby@what-media.com

UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir hannah.shakir@what-media.com

“

INTERNS Zuleika Lopez Guilleux, Stefan Zimmermann, Brian Weiss, Kara Christopher, Holger Synowzik

IT’D BE A NICE BIT OF REVENGE ACTUALLY.

HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard design@what-media.com

“

WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber

KATIE, TING TINGS

CONTRIBUTORS David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Fernando Xavier, Bethan Hacking, Alexandra McIntyre, Jeremy Williams, Emma Mulliner, Hannah Allsopp, Ashley Moore, David Drummond, Renée Van Kraanen Photography

WEB DEVELOPMENT ASSISTANT Shefali Khanna ADVERTISING AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Mary Atkin mary.atkin@what-media.com

ADVERTISING Joe Smith joe.smith@what-media.com

Dave Hudson James Marsh

BBM

BRITISH BALLS MAGAZINE

ADVERTISING & PROMOTIONS MANAGER Tom Shakir PO Box 784 Queen Victoria Building NSW 1230

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SALES AND MARKETING DIRECTOR Guchi Shakir PRINTED BY Spotpress

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UK NEWS YOUNG PRINCE

STARS IN THEIR LIES THERE’S a great new game taking the nation by storm in the UK this week. It shits all over Deal or no Deal, waves its cock in the face of Who Wants To Be A Millionairre?, and violently spurts jizz up the anus of The Weakest Link.

Filthy bastard?

It’s called Guess Which Major Celebrity Is A Filthy Bastard?, following reports in the national press of a famous married TV star who has won a gagging order barring a single mum from revealing his name to the public after they had phone sex.

A judge said the pair also exchanged “intimate images” on emails during an 11-month “virtual Womanis relationship” during a er? marital blip with the star’s wife. And on two occasions in April 2009 he

POOR student Prince Summerfield was forced to say farewell to his 14-year-old friends in a Year Nine class at a school in Hampshire this week. The reason? He’s 24.

made brief visits to the home of the woman, who is on disability beneﬁt and had mental health problems. In other words, he’s fucked a mentalist. Judge Justice Dirty g it? Eady, who imposed the gagging ban, said: “Her participation in the explicit exchanges was not only willing but enthusiastic. She enjoyed sexually explicit and provocative exchanges, with him and others on the internet.” A mad dirty bitch who’s up for anything? Forget the celeb, can someone reveal the woman’s identity instead? Preferably with an email address and mobile number.

ert?

Bukkake perv

CAN HE BE A NINJA? SHURIKAN MARTIN Faulks is a killer clad in black, a master of stealth and surprise trained to deadly effect by a martial arts master and sworn to battle evil in all its forms. Watch your back Delia Smith, the Norwich Ninja’s on the prowl! Hailing from the mystic lands of the far east (Norfolk), father-of-one Faulks has spent six years learning the secret arts of the legendary Japanese killers and has now unleashed his hand-to-hand fury on an unsuspecting East Anglia underworld. Think Batman… but shitter. His feats include chasing a burglar who “almost died of shock”, karate-chopping a mugger and tackling a thug attacking a girl. “For me, being a ninja is about being a person who can help others. I think every martial artist has a duty to protect those around them. 6

The “youngster” enrolled at Petersfield School as a 14-yearold at the start of the new term last week. But just 48 hours later he was sent home after teachers had suspicions that the Malawi-born, 5ft 8in and 10st “boy” might be a tad bit older than he made out. Headmaster Nigel Poole said he “clearly” looked much older than 14 and seemed uncertain which year he was born in. Mr Poole said: “When asked for his date of birth, he said 24/09/86, before correcting himself to 1996. I would not be surprised if he was born in 1986, he looks closer to 24 than 14.” He also said Prince’s mum and stepdad had been “far too quick” to produce his passport as proof of age, and although it said he was born in 1986, it was only registered in 2009. Prince’s mum Ennettie, who says she’s 30, was adamant her son was 14. “If the school’s claims were true, I would have been five when I had him. I can’t believe he was treated this way,” she said while going through the menopause.

BRITISH BITE We are the bodyguards of the world,” said mystery man Martin. And now he ﬂits through the mean streets of Norwich like a shadow of death silently bringing swift and brutal justice to those who prey on the helpless. Except for the time he fell out of a tree and hurt his shoulder. Or the time he was bitten by a fox (seriously). Apart from that, he’s a ruthless killer who says he

can move through woods like a panther, vanish “in a puff of smoke”, silently pick locks and endure extremes of cold and heat. But being a ninja isn’t all about ﬁghting the forces of evil. It has its domestic drawbacks. “My wife doesn’t really appreciate me creeping in and materialising beside her when she hasn’t heard the door unlock or the stairs creak or anyone in the room,” said Martin hilariously.

A SET of solid gold false teeth used by Britain’s no-necked war hero Winston Churchill have been sold for £16,000. Churchill, who set up a car insurance company after the war, made some of his most famous speeches with the false gnashers. Churchill was said to have also used his false teeth to vent his frustration when the 1939-45 conflict was not going well by dramatically flicking them out of his mouth.

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UK NEWS COMMONS PEOPLE

TIE ME A RIVER

UPDATING Facebook and Twitter accounts while you’re (supposedly) at work is a tricky business. Even harder is having a wank over your female workmate’s holiday snaps when she’s sat next to you. Hard… but not impossible ;) But work-based tweeting becomes even harder if you’re in a job that’s paid by for by the public, broadcast on national television and watched by millions… like MP for Cambridge Julian Huppert. No prizes for guessing that “Julian” is a Lib Dem MP. In the middle of a debate in the House of Commons, he tweeted that shadow education secretary Andy Burnham had refused to meet education access advocate Simon Hughes. And like a big tell-tale tit Kevin Brennan, Labour MP for Cardiff West, pointed it out to Deputy Speaker Lindsay Hoyle. The Labour MP, who has his own Twitter account, said: “The honourable member for Cambridge is tweeting from chamber right now that the shadow secretary of state has refused to meet the honourable member for the Liberal Democrats on the front bench

MORE news of UK politicians taking the piss after a Tory MP was forced to apologise to the Commons because he inadvertently turned on his musical tie while making a speech about education.

when in fact the shadow secretary of state has already met him and is prepared to meet him at any time.” A horrified Huppert was then given the political equivalent of being sent to see the headmaster, with the deputy speaker condemning his actions in front of the whole class. “I am glad you have brought it to my attention,” said Lindsay.“I am sure no honourable member will be tweeting from the chamber to let the outside world know what is going on.” Huppert responded by sticking his tongue out, blowing a big raspberry and shouting “at least I haven’t got a girl’s name! Nurrr! Nurrr!”

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“I apologise,” said Nadhim Zahawi. “It is my tie to support the campaign against bowel cancer that was making that noise. It is a musical tie.” Later in the debate, Labour’s George Howarth (Knowsley) opened his speech by saying: “Unfortunately I don’t think I’m going to be able to compete with the honourable gentleman with regards our respective ties - but I rather hope I’ll surpass him on the arguments he’s just made.” Hilarious! We just pissed ourselves! Classic George Howarth. Look out Nadhim, you been punk’d dawg!

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UK NEWS GRAN OF ATTACK “STAND back Iceman, Spiderman, Superman, Batman and Robin too! Don’t wanna cause a ruckus with B.A. Baracus, but I’ve gotta match for you! She makes them look like a bunch of fairies, got more bottle than United Dairies. Hang about! Look out! For Supergran!”

heroin addict who broke into her house. “I decided to stand my ground but screamed when he came towards me,” she said. “My daughter rushed out of her room and put her arm around his neck.

Who could forget the classic Billy Connollysung theme tune to classic kiddies show Supergran from the late 80s? Pretty much everyone apart from BBM apparently. Bit of a bad reference. Still, the spirit of the tartan-clad Scotch superhero lives on in the form of 84-yearold pensioner Doris Thiele, who used her walking stick to whack the shit out of a

“He kept shouting ‘wrong house let me go’ but I grabbed my father’s walking stick and kept hitting him. We weren’t going to let him go and he knew it.” Robbed of the use of his limbs, the quickthinking intruder came up with a novel way of escaping his assailants – nutting a glass window to shatter it and make his escape. Unfortunately, police then had a handy trail of blood to follow and he was arrested shortly after.

DOCTOR’S BALLS UP LOOKS like doctors dropped a bollock when they diagnosed Nathan Lippett with testicular cancer. Literally. After chopping off one of his balls convinced it was cancerous, they conducted tests on it and three weeks later discovered it was just a cyst that looked a bit like cancer. “I feel like someone has stolen my manhood,” said 18-year-old Nathan from Carlisle. “My chances of having children are now reduced and having a testicle removed has really knocked my conﬁdence and self-esteem.” Following the procedure, Nathan launched his own website and took part in a number of fundraising activities to raise cash for Testicular Cancer charities. Good work and all that but in light of what followed, surely that makes him a fraud as well?

TURNS out former world’s fattest bloke Paul Mason’s raging appetite extends to the bedroom. The 39-stone Ipswich lard-ass literally can’t out of bed, so we assume he always ate burgers in his bedroom, but now it’s fish supper on the menu with reports he’s shagging two girls. That’s a whole lotta loving. According to a friend of the former postman: “there are two women he is extremely fond of. One lives locally and the other is a bit further afield.” The second girl lives on the edge of his gut then. First there’s Trudie who understands Paul as she used to be fat herself. At least she’s had some experience swallowing. Then there’s former care worker Lorraine Marsh. Don’t know what her excuse is. Recent reports say Trudie and Paul shared an intimate dinner together on Boxing Day while Lorraine has been lavished with bunches of flowers. Paul, who was originally 70 stone, slimmed down to 54 stone before having a gastric banding operation. Despite his weight issues, friends say he is very sweet at heart. Deep down. Deep, deep down. According to Paul’s mouthy mate at least one of the women is perfectly suited, “Trudie has had problems with her weight. They have so much in common, it is as if fate has brought them together.” We think ‘fate’ might have been a typo.

Fuck off Nathan. Raising money for bollock cancer when you haven’t even got it. Disgusting.

IN MORE comical bodily amputation news, a 43-year-old woman has been handed £10,000 in compensation after doctors cut off her leg by mistake. Again the patient had been led to believe she would die if she didn’t have the amputation, with doctors diagnosing her with a rare bone infection called osteomyeltitis. After having

her right leg removed just above the knee, tests on the bone revealed the disease wasn’t there. “After the operation I started to realise something was wrong,” she said. “I asked for the results because I wanted to reassure myself I had done the right thing. But when the consultant refused to give them to me alarm bells began to ring.” Michelle won the out-of-court settlement from Betsi Cadwaladr University Health Board which admitted medical negligence. Perhaps they were… legless? Huh? Eh? Geddit? Well sod off then.

A POSTIE terrified of an eightinch Yorkshire terrier has refused to deliver mail for six weeks - to the entire street. The boycott - backed by Royal Mail bosses - was slapped on 20 homes after ankle-high pet Peggy was accused of “repeated attacks”. Neighbours in Kingsthorpe, Northants, who did not get Christmas cards delivered, face a 14-mile round trip to fetch letters from a depot.

BBM-592 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

IRISH NEWS LOCKED UP FOR LOCK IN WHO doesn’t love a lock in at the local? No queues at the bar, surrounded by friendly faces, a shaggy dog who loves a fuss… maybe even an 18-yearold barmaid with big tits who’ll give you a blowjob round the back of the bogs. It’s bliss.

The men in question were gardai ofﬁcers who’d come round to investigate after-hours drinking – and were stopped from leaving by an irate landlord.

McGarry also told Gda Thomas O’Griofa, the one he called a prick, that he obviously enjoyed a few pints himself, judging by the size of his stomach, and used the old chestnut of “why aren’t you out stopping serious crime”.

U2 NEWS 2U... 2 When they then tried to arrest him, McGarry told his daughter not to open the doors and a stand-off ensued. Judge Kilrane dismissed a charge of resisting a garda in the execution of his duties, saying he did not believe there had been criminal intent, as he did not believe the accused knew why he was being arrested. McGarry apologised in court for the jibe about the bloke’s stomach – which presumably means he still thinks he’s a prick.

A SUPER IDEA THERE’S a new superhero in Ireland people. He’s called himself the Anglo Avenger but instead of having super strength, X-Ray vision or an ability to make women’s clothes fall off by blinking – he’s just got a massive cement mixer and a grudge. Now Joe McNamara, the bloke who parked said cement mixer outside Leinster House with the words ‘Toxic Bank’ and ‘Anglo’ in red letters on the side of it four months ago, has vowed to stand against former government minister Frank Fahey in the Galway West constituency in the general election. “Hurrah!” we hear you cry. “Someone ﬁnally standing up to the big boys and making a stand for the little guy.” Well that’s certainly one way of looking at it. The other way is that maybe McNamara’s attempts to bring the Anglo Irish Bank to its knees have more to do with the 3.5million euros he owes them through property developments in Mayo. McNamara made his election vow at a noisy public meeting on the economy in Galway last week.

THE world’s biggest cock, Bono, spent last Saturday having dinner with Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, the managing director of the World Bank. Apparently Bono wanted to discuss his ONE campaign which is attempting to fight poverty in Africa. Presumably Ngozi was there to ask for a loan to bail out the world’s economy.

Well apparently not for two blokes at a lock-in in Mooney’s pub in Sligo this week.

Not only that, but this landlord, a Jimmy McGarry, was a former mayor of Sligo and a Labour Party councilor. That didn’t stop him unleashing a verbal volley at the two ofﬁcers, allegedly calling one a “fucking bastard” and the other a “prick”.

U2 NEWS 2U

ONE man’s come in the name of love. That man is Adam Clayton. And that come has produced a wee baby. The U2 bassist has revealed this week that he’s a dad. More surprising is the fact he actually became a dad last year… but living in Bono’s shadow for so long meant no one noticed. A spokeswoman for the band confirmed last week that Clayton was the father of a baby boy.

SHOCKING NEW REVELATIONS ABOUT FARRELL PARTYBOY hellraiser Colin Farrell’s reputation took a knock this week with two ex-flames coming out to dish the dirt on the Hollywood star. The latest revelations about the sticks-his-cock-in-anything star come from the mother of his youngest child, Polish actress Alicja BachledaCurus, and former girlfriend Emma Forrest. In a shocking account about the selfstyled playboy, the two former beaus tell how Colin is actually “a really nice chap” and a “sweetheart really.” “Dating Col is so wonderful - as long as you don’t leave the house,” said Forrest, which unfortunately is a reference to the paparazzi, and not the fact that Col likes staying indoors so he can fuck all day. How disappointing.

BBM-592 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WORLD NEWS HAITI’S GONNA HAIT AS if Haiti hadn’t suffered enough, their former resident political lothario and Captain Dickhead of a leader has stolen all the money from English supermarkets that were plagued with donation boxes.

country and general corruption / wrongdoing. He’s spent the last 24 years in exile, and his return probably has nothing to do with the running out of his coke fund.

Or something along those lines. Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” (BBM doesn’t know what that refers to, sounds ominous though) Duvalier, leader from 1971-86, has been charged for embezzling the already piss-poor

AH, the Japanese, those very cute babies that end up joyless adults. (thanks, Family Guy, for doing the comedy for us and taking the blame) Well, they have even more to look doleful about, as graduate jobs have hit a new low. It doesn’t actually sound that low to a Brit - 68.8% of students managed to secure a job before graduation - but that’s still 4.3% down

He has claimed that he only wishes to lend his proliﬁc knowledge in intimidation, forceful coercion, and police brutality in the sticky climate. Sounds foolproof.

on last year for the Japanese, which is apparently enough to get some demonstrations (pictured) up and running. The survey, which recorded the ﬁndings, prompted Chief Cabinet Secretary Yukio Edano to say: “we recognise that this is a serious situation”.... Good one Edano!

But the newest development for this Bristol-based tragedy has necessitated a small mention, for the hilarity that is the police’s latest declaration. The new revelation? She “did not eat the

Whether you land in Madrid or Barcelona, make sure you have some ﬁrm transport sorted to take you to Villanueva de Perales, a name of such beauty it has to be evened out by a shag-load of teenagers with polo-noses dotted around. The raid didn’t just secure its position as a tourist hot-spot however, as there was also a cache of weapons, nearly 20 luxury vehicles, nearly 500 mobiles, and share certiﬁcates worth £42 million… The milky bars are on them!

Anyway, we escaped from the factory and stumbled into the local television studio where we became famous as a clown’s assistant.

pizza that she bought on the eve of her death.” Scandalous! We give condolences to her family, and urge the police to pull their ﬁngers out of their bloody arses and start looking for the murder weapon. A candlestick perhaps, or maybe a spanner? Just leave the fucking pizza out of it.

A BURNING DESIRE

APPARENTLY the French education system has hit a new low, as a teenager in Marseille was so fed up he decided the only option to get out of class was to torch himself.

The dream factory was run by locals, and, quelle surprise, Columbians.

BBM fondly remembers the old ﬁeld trips of our childhood. There was one particularly incident that sticks out, where we went to a box factory because the school couldn’t afford to visit the ﬁreworks factory.

CLUE-JO MURDER victim Jo Yeates might not seem like an appropriate platform for comedy, even in a magazine as lowly as BBM.

WHEN you’re next debating where to go on holiday spare a few minutes considering Spain, which has just been unearthed as the holder of Europe’s most sophisticated coke laboratory.

before shouting adios to his sanity and lighting a match.

On second thought, that sounds suspiciously like the plot of a Simpsons episode. We get confused in our old age. It seems that the teachers of Clearbrook Elementary School in America have also been watching, as they sent parents a note alerting them of the exciting new field trip to... the local supermarket. Look at the specials! Marvel at how the writing on the labels look the same in each store! Meet the staff whose job you’ll take if you don’t work hard in school! The students will be performing in the supermarket, and “Performance is a form of learning,” Principal Karen Pendleton said. “It’s an experience form of field trip.” BBM can’t wait to see what they have in store for the sex education field trip - now that will be a performance. And an experience.

He is said to have serious burns over 70% of his body which, ﬁngers crossed, will get him out of gym next week.

The young pyromaniac doused himself in ﬂammable liquid in the school loo

BBM-592 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

WORLD NEWS COME WHAT MAY WE’RE quite pleased to have ﬁnally been given an explanation for that sick feeling that comes on after an orgasm. We thought it was just self-pity, regret and, more often than not, a cramped hand and the realisation that we’re alone. Shame. But here’s the good news! You could just be allergic to your own junk.

spooﬁng in your own face on and off for a few years. Hyposensitisation therapy is being trialled by Marcel Waldinger, professor of sexual psychopharmacology at Utrecht University in the Netherlands. The therapy involves exposure to gradually increasing levels of the offending allergen in order to build resistance.

Wait. That can’t be good. Dutch researchers are claiming that men who suffer ﬂu-like symptoms after they blow could actually be allergic to their own semen. Post orgasmic illness syndrome or POIS sufferers experience fever, runny nose, extreme fatigue and burning eyes. These reports have prompted scientists to suggest that maybe some of us need to correct our aim.

We would’ve assumed that happened during high-school. Professor Waldinger claims that the results of such a study could lead to a breakthrough into the cause of this illness. We’re excited too. There goes another keyboard. Men are celebrating all over the country with the newly founded WoodStroke Festivals agreeing to donate all their proceeds to POIS Research.

Apparently there is a cure. It just involves

SLUMDOG SOME bitches in Chhattisgarh, India have got themselves in a bit of bother. They weren’t questioning male dominance or complaining about just how bloody packed a slum has to be- they were dogs and had little dogs in their bellies. Seema and Liza have found themselves in the naughty kennel (could have said doghouse, but the pun has already been stolen by the BBC) after giving birth to 17 pups between them. Their handlers have blamed the cramped conditions in

the kennels they are housed in for this serious breach of sexual security. In other news, we’ve read that part of the power in JFK’s speeches was alliteration, so we’re just testing it out. We’ll stop after that brief foray though cause we left reception a while ago and like to concentrate on more heady literary techniques, like puns.

BBM hasn’t met a bus driver we liked. Usually they’re darting between cars and yelling at us to get off the bus. Then again, we were naked most of the time. We think we’d get along with this one Canadian driver, who thought he saw a flash of reflective tape, possibly from a jacket, and a waving arm or arms in the harbour. It was a boy stuck in a lobster trap. Or rather, a buoy stuck in a lobster trap. Firefighters raced to the scene, along with Regional Police, only to find the buoy. “No one was in the water tonight,” the police chief said as he planned the bus driver’s demise.

DOES anybody even believe in the encore anymore? We all know that no matter how little we chant and wait, the band will return for their carefully prepared ﬁnal tracks. Well, it’s still real to the music fans of Mexico, who killed two members of a band and detonated a grenade inside the venue after members of the band La Excelencia refused to play more songs after closing time. According the local newspaper, four drunk men aggressively demanded the band play more after their set ended - and they did - for a while. After they stopped around 4 a.m. local time, one of the men threw a grenade at the stage, and people ran out of the bar. As they did, two of the band members were shot.

The lustful wenches / proud mums have got other things then national security on their mind’s now... do you have any idea how much Pedigree Chum costs nowadays? Its barking mad! Maybe we’ll stick to alliteration.

JOHNSON & JOHNSON, already under ﬁre for a string of product recalls, has another public relations issue on its hands after their tampons temporarily disappeared from stores in America and little was said about what happened. Don’t worry though, the company have come out to inform the public that they have plugged the hole in their supply and things should be back up and running in a month.

BBM-592 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SOAPS CORONATION ST. EILEEN’S gutted when her insurance claim is rejected as the roof damage is down to neglect. She blames Owen as he told her the house was sound, but he insists that she should have paid for a full survey. Later, things get worse for Eileen when Lloyd refuses to increase her hours on the switch as he’s offered them to Cheryl. A hot-headed Eileen tells him to stick his job, and back at the yard, when Carla

arrives to pay off the £10,000 she owes, she’s hit with an idea… Meanwhile, Anna and Eddie are delighted to discover that they’ve been provisionally matched with an 11-year-old girl called Faye and will meet her next week. In some other good news, Gary gets the physical allclear to rejoin his unit. He insists it’s what he wants, but is he mentally ready?

EastEnders

STILL worried over the situation with Bianca, Ricky leaves her another message, begging her to come home as they can get her a good lawyer. Ricky, Jack, Max and Carol all wonder what they should do, but their family meeting is interrupted when there’s a knock on the door. Their surprise visitor is Sonia, who informs them that Bianca has been staying with her at a B&B in London.

However, she admits that Bianca is in a bad state. Ricky decides that they should get Bianca abroad and allow her to lie low, but he soon hears from Sonia that Bianca has decided that she wants to give herself up as it’s the right thing to do. Accepting her decision, Ricky tells the kids that Bianca has to go to prison.

A dressed up Carol acts casual about Louie’s return but gives him a warm welcome home. Orla and Yvonne’s new friendship doesn’t last too long, leaving Yvonne to have a very quiet dinner party. Niamh asks Orla to give Yvonne a chance, and they eventually bond over lasagne.

TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

A disgruntled Bob almost catches Carol and Louie in ﬂagrante, which ends Louie’s good mood.

|▲

HOLLYOAKS + IN In the milestone 3,000th episode of Hollyoaks, Tony holds the opening of his new spa Look Sharpe - but it was never going to be an easy ride for the village entrepreneur. There’s drama in store when Suzanne Ashworth’s waters break and she’s forced to give birth in the spa. Nancy must deal with the massive change in her relationship as Darren plays the doting father, and it’s clear that she’s struggling to cope 18

when he asks if Suzanne and the twins can move in. Meanwhile, Mitzee steals Guy Candy’s thunder with a rather raunchy and revealing publicity stunt. Elsewhere, Mercedes and Carl ﬁnd themselves alone and, as the temperature rises, the temptation is just too much. Also, will Tom regret trying to be a hero when he knocks an intruder unconscious?

Emmerdale

ANDY is gutted when he is asked to leave an event at Sarah’s school because the other parents have objected. Worried about what the accusations are doing to his family and that Sarah will be caught in the crossﬁre, Andy resolves he can’t stay in the village.

Debbie warns it will appear as though he’s running away but Andy snaps that he can’t take any more…

renewed intimacy with Aaron when he gives him his physio massage. When Aaron tells Jackson that Adam’s invited them to join him in town, Jackson declines but says Aaron should go. Aaron insists he doesn’t want to, but Jackson feels he’s holding him back. Elsewhere, Jimmy and Nicola discuss having another baby, and Pollard and Val learn they have an appointment with social services regarding fostering Amy.

Meanwhile, Jackson feels BBM-592 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

GOSSIP SHOW US YOUR GLOBES THE younger, more corrupt brother of the Academy Awards took place this week in the form of the Golden Globes.

into the bland characters (Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp) of The Tourist - while they were in the building.

Commonly known as the awards that can be bought with a bunch of free holidays and fruit baskets, the major highlight was host Ricky Gervais’ opening monologue, ripping

Since nothing else of note went down, BBM decided to scan through the archives and reﬂect on the fashion carwrecks in Golden Globes history.

E, ‘03 LARA FLYNN BOYL early on too rs yea e nin s wa a Lar shame a ze, cra an Sw the Black s her since nobody remember these days.

CAMERON DIAZ, ‘99 After being informed tha ta bikini would not be acc eptable, Cameron grabbed the ﬁrst thing she could ﬁnd - unfortu nately it was a rug.

‘02 CATE BLANCHETT, Not only was the Aussie ress but nominated for Best Act s and Sim Dim ved Cate also ser awards. Spring Rolls inbetween

BJORK, ‘01 BBM is convinced tha t Bjork’s stylists have been pla ying a practical joke on her for years, yet she’s too clueless to realise.

WE’RE not sure if Piers Morgan is trying to get a job with BBM or ﬁnally received that personality transplant but he’s become - gasp - interesting. On the eve of his new CNN show, Piers Morgan Tonight, the Larry King replacement has told reporters that he’s keeping a list of ‘banned’ guests - which includes Madonna. “We have Lady Gaga now so Madonna is banned from my show,” he stated before Madge’s publicists bit back. “Madonna doesn’t know who Piers Morgan is, but she’s a big fan of Lady Gaga.” Game, set, match, Madonna. Also on the list are Heather Mills, who Piers introduced to Paul McCartney, and Cherie Blair, “simply because it would get violent. She would attack.” We’ve seen her in action, she really would attack him.

WE’VE heard of product placement and celebrity endorsements but this may be taking things too far. Owen Wilson decided to name his kid after a car, and BBM was excited to welcome Ferrari or Jaguar into the world.

LEAVE IT TO BIEBER

IN related Golden Globes news, Justin Bieber may be able to handle swarms of girls with dubious tastes, celebrity musicians ﬁghting to sign you to a contract and the inevitable wave of puberty. But the Bieb is petriﬁed of Ricky Gervais, if The Daily Star is to be trusted.

Anyway, they reported that organisers arranged for Zac Efron to join Bieber on stage as he did not want to be exposed to Gervais alone and he will make every effort to avoid encountering the host before the ceremony - hiring a team of bodyguards (pictured) to shield him from Ricky.

Like any British press, it’s probably a rumour they misread on a Twitter feed.

He doesn’t need bodyguards to shield him, that fringe prevents him from seeing anything.

However, we were stuck with an early nomination for BBM’s Apple Paltrow award for worst baby name - Ford Lynton Wilson. We wish Owen would’ve stalled before making that name ofﬁcial. Get it? Jade, an armed federal air marshal, met Owen on a ﬂight over a year ago. The baby was delivered by a water birth at their home in Maui after an 18-hour labour. BBM hopes that Ford has his mother’s nose... and acting ability.

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GOSSIP LINDSAY LO-POINT POOR Lindsay Lohan just can’t seem to put a foot right. And we’re not referring to her inability to walk a straight line. Since leaving the Betty Ford clinic it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster ride for Lindsay who has been both praised and slighted this week. In the latest blow to Lindsay’s fading career, Donald Trump has denied her request for a spot on this year’s Celebrity Apprentice. He defends his decision claiming that “Lindsay has to straighten herself out ﬁrst.” It seems her parents believe she already has. Lohan’s father Michael says she’s passed up to ten random drug and alcohol tests in two weeks. She’s failed the other four but that’s

beside the point. According to RadarOnline.com Michael said, “Lindsay is doing four or ﬁve tests a week and she has passed all of them with ﬂying colors.” Flying colours? Sounds like shrooms to us. Lindsay spent a quiet night in on Sunday to watch the Golden Globes and is said to be enjoying the highs and lows of her new lowkey lifestyle. Well, mainly the highs we assume. In other news the new Celebrity Apprentice cast includes Meatloaf and… well, who really cares who else?

ANNE’S BAT CRAZY INSTEAD of being punished for that god-awful Love and Other Drugs, it seems somebody was distracted by Anne Hathaway’s boobs on the big screen and awarded her a new role as a result. Christopher Nolan, we’re looking at you. The director has cast Anne (pictured) in the role of Catwoman for the upcoming Batman threequel. Don’t worry, we had that look on our face when we read the news too.

Add this to the remarkably awful title, The Dark Knight Rises, that we swear was stolen from a porn parody and BBM isn’t impressed with the progress made on the batﬂick. In more promising news, Tom Hardy will be playing Bane instead of the rumoured Dr. Hugo Strange. Bane was last seen in the godawful Batman and Robin but is known in comic book lore as the man who broke Batman’s back. We thought Catwoman would’ve got there ﬁrst.

R.I.P JORDALEX

GET Elton ready, it’s time for another nationstopping funeral as Katie Price has finally confirmed the end of her 11 month marriage to Alex Reid in an official statement.

It’s understood that the pair will ﬁght in a UFC match in order to decide who gets what in the divorce - we’re sure Katie is just aching for that Celebrity Big Brother trophy.

“Alex and I have had a number of difﬁculties over the past few months. I accept that these were in part caused by my marrying too quickly - we all make mistakes and this was one,” the statement reads.

The statement continued, “Alex changed from the man I fell in love with and some of his behaviour became difﬁcult for me to understand and caused issues.”

BBM was really hoping that Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom would use both names for their new kid - you can’t deny having Kerr-Bloom as a last name would be awesome. Unfortunately, they named him Flynn Bloom - but made up for it with a raunchy twitter photo of Miranda breastfeeding the newborn. The lucky git! The couple has set up a family home in LA with the Pirates of the Caribbean star putting his bachelor pad up for rent - for a mere $18,000 a month. The Hollywood Hills compound boasts four bedrooms, three bathrooms and more than 300sq m of living space, all set behind gates on a heavily landscaped lot. Orlando forgot to mention the added bonus of theft, as the house was the target of a 2009 break-in by the socalled “bling ring” burglars.

LOOK at Charlie Sheen, living the life. Stop acting so concerned and admit it, you’re bloody jealous aren’t you? The human carcrash spent more than £16,000 on escorts during his wild weekend in Las Vegas which happened to coincide with a porn star convention. He spent £6,000 on one prostitute called Ginger, a source told RadarOnline. “Ginger said Charlie was high on cocaine when she got to the room and continued to do drugs in front of her,” they added. The blow-out came after he ﬁred his ‘sober coach’, who was hired after he trashed a hotel room last year. But don’t worry about old Charlie, he’s safely resting inside an escort.

“Like a Candle in the Wind...” 22

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THE WRAP FAMOUSLY NAKED IN a matter of months, the Naked and Famous have released their debut album, Passive Me Aggressive You, to critical acclaim in Australia, debuted at number one in their homeland of New Zealand and have a gold plaque to show for it. 28th Jan: The Corner Hotel, Melbourne 1st Feb: Oxford Arts Factory, Sydney 2nd Feb: Oxford Arts Factory, Sydney 3rd Feb: The Corner Hotel, Melbourne

WEEKEND WEEKS IN TOTAL BOX EARNINGS RELEASE OFFICE

FILM

They return to Australia to perform headline shows in Sydney and Melbourne alongside the Big Day Out national tour.

1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3

YOGI BEAR

TANGLED

$13

BURLESQUE

KING’S SPEECH

£4

£11

127 HOURS

£1

£4

GULLIVERS TRAVELS

£1

£12

GREEN HORNET

$34

$40

DILEMMA

$18

$21

TRUE GRIT

$11

$128

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

$ IN MILLIONS

FEELING THE BLUES COULD you get a bigger lineup than Bob Dylan, BB King, Elvis Costello, ZZ Top and countless more? Well, yes you can as Bluesfest just added Grace Jones to the stacked lineup. Date: April 21st - 25th Where: Byron Bay Cost: From $42 (for one day)

HIGHEST WEEKS IN POSITION RELEASE

MUSIC

1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3

WYNTER GORDON

DIRTY TALK

ENRIQUE IGLESIAS

TONIGHT

BRUNO MARS

LAST WEEK

GRENADE

BRUNO MARS

GRENADE

DO IT LIKE A DUDE

JESSIE J

WHAT’S MY NAME?

RIHANNA

BRUNO MARS

GRENADE

FIREWORK

KATY PERRY

RIHANNA

WHAT’S MY NAME?

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

TAKE MY HANDLER COMEDIENNE extraordinaire Chelsea Handler will visit Australia for a one-off gig in March.

FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

She will also ﬁlm three episodes of her E! show Chelsea Lately while she’s in town. Date: March 10th Where: State Theatre, Sydney

ON BBMLIVE.COM THIS WEEK WHITE LIES: BIGGER THAN US From the great hits of Farewell To The Fairground, White Lies are back with the brand new single Bigger Than Us. Sticking to the same formula that got them their fan base there isn’t any doubts that this is going to be a good one.

COMPETITIONS Not only will she be playing at Playground Weekender, she’s also visiting Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane.

CATFISH is an excellent ﬁlm which documents a Facebook relationship between a New York photographer and a family in rural America. It’s creepy, it’s awesome and it’s not a horror movie, but it’s currently BBM’s favourite ﬁlm of the year.

Thanks to our mates at Playground, BBM has a double pass to give away to your choice of Kate’s sideshows.

Read our review on page 26 and enter to win one of ﬁve double passes to see the ﬁlm, thanks to our mates at Hopscotch.

KATE Nash returns to Australia with a new album, a new look and an evolutionary sound.

COMEDIANS Jeff Green and Paul Warnes will team up to present the Best of British Stand-up at the Laugh Garage Comedy Club in the heart of Sydney’s CBD. Jeff has become a well known face since arriving for his ﬁrst Melbourne International Comedy Festival in 1996. This is Paul‘s ﬁnal Sydney performance before heading off to the Adelaide and Melbourne Festivals.

AS the days of summer get longer, Playground Weekender gets closer. While your usual one-day festivals have you working up a sweat trying to race between stages, Playground Weekender 2011 is spread over four days - so you can sit back, relax and enjoy everything the festival has to offer, including of course the ace lineup of live bands and DJ’s.

TO ENTER ANY OF THESE COMPS, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/COMPETITIONS.HTML 24

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REVIEWS TRUE GRIT DIRECTOR

CAST Matt Damon Jeff Bridges

RELEASED

Coen Brothers

January 26

(No Country for Old Men)

In Cinemas (MA15+)

A rare Coen Brothers ﬁlm in that it’s not an original Coen Brothers idea and a remake, True Grit is an old-school, rip-roaring ﬁlm that stands out on it’s own as well as an adaptation.

RATING

in his interaction with Bridges more than makes up for it.

The standout, however, is Hailee Steinfeld who marks her screen debut with a remarkable performance which outshines that Casting ‘The Dude’ in the role made of her much more experienced co-stars. Her character is strongfamous by John Wayne, Rooster willed, witty and mature - she’s just Cogburn, is a masterstroke as Bridges embraces the character and fantastic in portraying this threedimensional character. the genre with a fantastically fun performance. It may be a bit slow to start but once The ﬁlm looks and sounds great - it it kicks into motion, True Grit is a nononsense Western that’s aided by a indeed has true grit - while the ﬁlm star-marking performace from little isn’t all serious. While Matt Damon may be a bit of a stretch as a Texas Hailee Steinfeld. Now, where’s her Ranger, the comic relief he provides Oscar? Ben Harlum

TRUE GRIT GIVEAWAY THANKS to our friends at Paramount, BBM has a crazy 25 double passes to see True Grit to give away.

hunt down the man who killed her father. To enter, visit bbmlive.com/competitions.html

Enlisting the help of a trigger-happy, drunken U.S. Marshal, Rooster Cogburn, fourteen-year-old Mattie Ross sets out with him — over his objections — to

THE GREEN HORNET CAST DIRECTOR

Seth Rogen Christoph Waltz Michel Gondry (Be Kind Rewind)

RELEASED

January 13 In 3D & 2D (M)

RATING

YOU won’t have a more unique superhero collaboration than Gondry and Rogen, so it was with a bunch of anticipation that I watched The Green Hornet. There was a lot of fuss made over Rogen’s casting as the title character, but I’d much rather watch him having fun than the bore that is, let’s face it, any actor who puts on the Superman cape.

Essentially Knocked Up with a sidekick instead of Katherine Heigl (a bit of an upgrade), Hornet manages to mesh Seth being Seth with some really smart action scenes, utilising Gondry’s unique vision which makes for a really fun combo. The reason why the ﬁlm has to settle for 3.5 / 5 is because of Cameron Diaz. Completely out of place and miscast, Diaz is ten years older than

Rogen yet is presented as a pseudo-love interest. Next she’ll be attending school on Gossip Girl. Jay Chou’s Kato gets a tad annoying near the end and the 3D is unnecessary (when isn’t it?) but they are just nitpicks of a really fun ﬁlm that combines Kick Ass with Batman to deliver a refreshing and funny take on the superhero genre. Ben Harlum

CATFISH CAST

Yaniv Schulman Angela Wesselman

DIRECTORS

Henry Joost Ariel Schulman

RELEASED

January 26 In Select Cinemas

RATING

FIRST things first, this is not a horror or thriller film. Catfish is a very real, very raw account of a Facebook relationship that comes out of nowhere. Yaniv befriends an eightyear-old artist who paints a photo of his that appeared in a newspaper. He becomes friendly with the child’s family over Facebook and his brother and friend begin to document the friendship - namely the

blossoming relationship with the older sister. As in any horror ﬁlm, things don’t start to add up and that’s when you begin to expect a zombie family to attack - with gracious shots of the mutant eight-year-old included. Instead, what you get is an incredibly fascinating portrait of an internet relationship that, excuse the pun, is a bit ﬁshy.

The real fun comes when the three men play detective and try to piece together the puzzle of lies and deception that make up this family. It’s really fun and really suspenseful to watch. Admittedly I felt the film was about twenty minutes too long but Catfish is more haunting than my zombie expectations and currently my favourite film of 2011. Ben Harlum

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REVIEWS BRITNEY SPEARS: HOLD IT AGAINST ME IT’S Britney bitch, and she’s back with her brand new single Hold It Against Me.

ALBUM RELEASED

Untitled Seventh Album Now

RATING

The track is taken from her upcoming as-yet-untitled seventh studio album and is produced by music maestros Dr Luke and Max Martin, who’ve produced previous singles Circus and If U Seek Amy. The track starts with a

pounding beat and electronic bass, but the pulsating sounds give way to a ballad-esque chorus highly reminiscent of the track Shattered Glass from her previous album Circus, before heading straight into the harsh bass beat. The song gradually builds itself throughout, each chorus becoming more enthused than the last, before - wham - Britney goes dubstep.

Britney doesn’t sound distant to the track, like some of her previous albums. Her vocals are slightly touched up with auto-tune but not enough that she sounds like a robot, or a bad Ke$ha imposter. Now, please don’t hold it against me, but this song will be on repeat on my iPod for days on end. David Mahoney

BRITISH SEA POWER

VENUE DATE

THE Indie rock veterans are currently touring to promote their ﬁfth studio album, Valhalla Dancehall. They have been chipping away for nearly a decade now and this has put them in good stead. The Hippodrome Kingston, UK January 13th

RATING

There is great musicianship in their work. It’s tight, eloquent and well constructed. They have also built themselves quite a reputation as a great live band.

Playing at Kingston’s New Slang night at The Hippodrome I was surprised by the diversity of the crowd, from student to a grandfather happily swaying along. I’m not massively familiar with their music but it was pretty catchy and easy to get into. They played earnestly, adding a few horns, indulgent guitar soloing and a bit of crowd banter.

They are entertaining yes, but they didn’t blow me away. One thing I did ﬁnd unforgettable was their interesting choice of attire. Jogging bottoms tucked into hiking socks with loafers? Leg-warmers worn on the arms? It’s just as well they play better than they look. Vanessa Higgins

GOLD PANDA, DJANIMALS & KYU

VENUE

Becks Bar, Sydney Festival

DATE

January 14th

RATING

AFTER the torrent of announcements for this year’s Sydney Festival, the one standout night for myself was the lineup for Friday at the pop-up Becks Bar, at the Hyde Park Barracks Museum.

I was instantly hooked as soon as they broke into their ﬁrst harmony. The voices of these two vintage clad teens entranced the crowd, with breathtaking melodies ﬂowing throughout their set.

Kyu appeared to much excitement, instantly dropping us into their own world of experimental pop and soundscapes. Without knowing the act very well,

Following a short break, we were met by DJanimals. His tracklist was masterfully blended and was matched by the impressive lighting and production. His music had

a great texture to it, but was somewhat let down by the slightly off vocals. Hailing from the UK, Gold Panda is a master in the art of glitchy, textural, intimate and detailed sounds. With the lights in time and the visuals ﬂowing behind him, he went about playing most of the album, with the highlights being You and Vanilla Minus. Oliver Gosnell

HENRIK SCHWARZ OFTEN we think remixing hits of great musical heroes such as Michael Jackson or James Brown is like touching the Holy Grail, but Henrik Schwarz takes the cup and gilds it. VENUE

Becks Bar, Sydney Festival

DATE

January 13th

RATING

With his performance at the Beck’s Festival Bar the Berlin based DJ, producer and graphic designer set the dance ﬂoor on ﬁre once again following his last visit to Australia in 2009.

He prefers not to plan his sets and let his tunes interact with the vibe of the crowd, making every one of his sets unique. Schwarz remixes primarily Jazz and Soul but also folk and disco classics as if they were made for it. Apart from his musical qualities it was a real pleasure to watch him enjoying the crowd, himself and his music on stage.

Rarely you do see DJ’s on stage who get so taken by their music and appear to fuse with their laptop and mixing equipment. He builds up every track and does the same with the audience. Without overstating, Henrik Schwarz is one of the masters of electronic music art. Danke, Henrik for this awesome set. Kerstin Keimling

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INTERVIEW

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ll me “That’s e so you’d te different nam a t? lo by a u s yo en ll to ca e that happ I was tempted but I presum s! ha not my name” it , [laughs] Yeah e was presume ther nd album, I’d co t? se rs e fi th e e th ccess of out to releas r e after the su You’re just ab to listen to ou pressure ther many people so r fo some added te na um around fortu alb t so rs e fi ar at th we e ink e wrot Not really, I th rld. We just is a bonus. W around the wo erything else w it travelled success ho music that ev ge e hu an a ins t be t try to it was jus you try ssible and no nd ten times and po co se as e le Th ab . as enjoy ems contrived se it d . try to make it an ap it cr d soun you’re forcing en it begins to because then it song’ is wh and write a ‘h u erial, have yo the new mat m? ill showcase bu w al s e ow th sh g s in Vibe f since finish ich was These Good to show it of in Germany wh had a chance songs at a gig the first of try le to up ed co a us e W acticed s that sponded well. ng re so Yeah, we’ve pr ce e en th di ep au ke cause the re drunk, we’d ns, fa we r ou we really cool be th en wi wh thing our friends in ing the same ay do pl w n no album out on ca re we e’ that going. W ’ve rehearsed would get them ore songs we m le up co a Australia. and we have een yourself ked out betw process wor ? n gs tio gi ra ng bo ni lla an t the co album and pl Have you go terms of the way. at th it e and Jules in lik t we [laughs] No! Bu w w you have ne Vibrations no tlist for Good se e th le ck f? ta at ow of How will you ds like an upbe material to sh cause it soun the setlist. ings upbeat be to s th ng ep so ke at to ing e upbe I think we’re go d some of our newer, mor ad do you festival. We’ll wn here, how mmercials do co r n? fo w s to ng nd ou using your so your tracks ar They’re still cause I don’t u hear one of it’s in a club be en react when yo wh en ke r ve promoter once ne A ? I’m ! wn ed do cit sit I I get quite ex repeat, and d dance or do our album on do. Do I go an ere they played know what to at was really wh Th ty s. ar ng rp te so r af this ging ou e moment made us go to at us while sin in Spain at th s just pointing [laughs] We’re all around n! everybody wa fu it’s of at th ea e id ar , not my just really bizz it’s , embarrassing re he er ll. the telly ov inating as we and it came on t cool and fasc the world, bu t you go from pissed they le rds are pretty s... co es cc Re su ry is cu th Mer had all Finally, I bet actually. w that you’ve bit of revenge e nic their label no a be d ] It’ hs ug [la . ah , ye ry 12th, You’d hope so ey on Februa , hitting Sydn e 20th. ns th io at on br Vi rth Pe s play Good the 19th and on t as Co The Ting Ting u ld .a the 13th, Go nsfestival.com Melbourne on it goodvibratio For details, vis

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INTERVIEW While BBM’s BEN HARLUM didn’t conﬁrm that Jesse from The Naked and Famous was indeed naked, the Kiwi band are deﬁnitely famous - nominated for the BBC’s Best of 2011 poll and blitzing around the country for the Big Day Out. On the eve of their festival and solo shows, Ben caught up with Jesse and here’s the result...

the naked tru th

What’s the music scene like over in New Zealand? There’s about ﬁve venues in Auckland with the same bands playing each week, with the same fans there and different variations of the same songs. It’s great if it was a hobby but there’s not enough there to support bands full-time. A lot of bands will see if they can make it in Australia with America and London being the second target. I read that you’re a recovering Tool fan, are you going to get your fanboy out when you do the Big Day Out? I am a diehard, I have a long-sleeved T-Shirt somewhere. [laughs] The guy who runs our record label is the bass player’s brother so that’s going to be my icebreaker if I ever get into a conversation. At least I have something up my sleeve just incase, although our lead singer Thom is planning to use the same line. How do you approach the live sets, especially with the much broader audience the Big Day Out brings? We don’t really change too much, we’ve been working on the live shows for quite a while now but we make sure it’s quite close to the album - we spend a lot of time replicating a lot of the elements from it in a live setting. There’s a lot of time spent getting a speciﬁc noise or sound and with the intricate setup we’ve got, it’s quite exciting when everything comes together and it all works.

INTERVIEW

The Naked and Famous play Big Day Out nationwide, as well as solo shows in Sydney and Melbourne (see page 24). Their album, Passive Me, Aggressive You, is available now.

stone t!he crows S caught MY WILLIAM BBM’s JERE world’s e th ly ib ss po up with quite , John ns fa s e Rose biggest Ston ter Lamb, Pe d an ie nz Macke er and the lead sing respectively The nd ba te bu tri e founder of th s. se Ro e on Complete St lina’s at They play Se y on Ba ee Coog . January 28th

What was it about The Stone Roses Groove Armada’s 10th anniversary gig on the best show I can and give the that made you want to emulate them? audience a real spectacle, whether it’s a - what has been your highlight? Peter: For me, it was about creating a smaller club gig or a big outdoor festival. John: Rockness 2009. Warmest day of the year, playing in front of 25,000 little band doing a tribute to one of my favourite indie bands at the time - one people. What is the secret to a good cover that didn’t have that many tributes at band? the time. If you could’ve performed instead of John: Take the music deadly serious, The Stone Roses at one of their many but don’t take yourself too seriously. Ian Brown is an unforgettable live riotous gigs - which would it be? Play the character and always give presence. Have you tried to capture John: Probably the famous Blackpool 100%, but never think you are the his swagger in your own set? gig. It’s classic Roses isn’t it? I character. John: Yeah for sure. There’s certain remember buying the DVD when I was mannerisms that I take on when I’m on 17 and it was a massive inﬂuence on As a cover band you have had some stage. I feel it’s really important to put me. pretty lucrative gigs - including 32

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SYDNEY NEWS COCKED AND LOCKED GEEZ, things just keep getting worse and worse. Elderly couples go missing, more people are stabbed and a young woman is attacked while jogging. BBM initially thought she was attacked while ‘wearing jeggings’ but quickly changed our approval after re-reading the article. Our bad. That’s why we’d like to thank constable Peter Karras for lightening up our day - being caught alone in his car in a black ladies G-string, bra and six-inch high heels while committing an “offensive act.” Sounds like a normal weekend to us. Two ofﬁcers patrolling the area spotted Karras about 10.40pm, wearing a black ladies G-string that exposed his penis, as well as a black bra, several gold necklaces and matching bracelets and high heels. Karras was charged with behaving in an offensive manner in a public place. That girl wearing jeggings should’ve been charged with the same offence!

MAD MEX GETS NAKED BBM’s favourite mexican outlet have just opened a bunch of new stores to share in the Chili Con Queso goodness. Yum. To celebrate, they’re giving you $2 off any Naked Burrito for the month - score! For locations, visit madmex.com.au and make sure to tell them BBM sent you.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER! IN a story BBM can definitely relate too, NSW premier Kristina Keneally is allegedly being stalked by cyber perverts and police are trying to find several online stalkers harassing her. Of course, normally we’re the ones doing the stalking - although the term ‘cyber pervert’ isn’t very flattering. BBM prefers to be called a ‘curious internet user’ - it’s on our business card. At least two men have been warned to stop posting menacing and sexually explicit messages to her on Twitter. We wonder how embarrassed the Premier’s security were when they realised these pervs were only spambots and not real. Federal MP and former opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull, a veteran tweeter, said he had never received sexually suggestive comments, as he weeped in a corner while humming Kasey Chambers’ Am I not Pretty Enough?

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WHAT’S ON SYDNEY

Plan B PLAN B is the rebel renaissance man of British music. He’s a rapper, actor, guitarist, storyteller, ﬁlmmaker and now chart-topping soul singer. Ben Drew’s musical turnaround isn’t so surprising when you have a look at his many and varied inspirations, from Michael Jackson to Arsenal FC. And what other muso can say he’s matched it line for line, and bullet for bullet, on screen with movie legend Michael Caine (in Harry Brown)? After shocking the nation with his 2006 hip hop debut Who Needs Action When You Got Words, he took a different route with The Defamation of Strickland Banks. A surprising, slick album, it traced the rise and fall of a smartly-suited soul singer. Quite simply, no one else cuts it like the Brit, and he’s suiting up to head Down Under. This is the only Sydney Plan B side show outside of the Big Day Out dates, so don’t miss out!

Date: Monday, 24th January 2010 Venue: The Metro Theatre Cost: $66 Big Day Out: January 26 & 27th

JIM JONES REVUE: These guys riff on Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis for a rock’n’roll sound that could have come direct from the 1950s, if it wasn’t fused with the so dang wild, loud and loose vibes of The Cramps and The Birthday Party.

ANDREW WK: Infamous for his bloody nose, long black hair and white outﬁts, Andrew’s style is often both as shocking as it is exhilarating. 25th Jan: Oxford Art Factory

25th Jan: Metro, Sydney

AUSTRALIA DAY in the Gallery Bar serves up a local lineup of I Know Leopard and The Spirits alongside Adelaide band The Honey Pies. 26th Jan: Oxford Art Factory Gallery Bar

COMPLETE STONE ROSES: These guys are one of the UK’s most well known, most seen and most successful tribute bands. 28th Jan: Selina’s, Coogee Bay

FESTIVAL OF THE VOICE: This free live music festival demonstrates the depth of the Australian music scene, bringing together singers and songwriters from all corners of the country and all musical genres. 26th Jan: The Rocks

BUNGALOW 8 & CARGO BAR: The Aussie BBQ will be kicking off from midday, January 26. Cargo Bar will be hosting two huge events, with live entertainment from 5pm January 25. The festivities continue at Cargo on Australia Day with an all you can eat Aussie BBQ and lawn bowls.

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MELBOURNE NEWS DRAG DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL THERE are some sports for which the average fan has a reputation. For example when you think of someone who enjoys polo, the image of a rich, buck-toothed, inbred toff being buggered by James Hewitt springs to mind. By contrast, your day-to-day darts man probably has a beer gut the size of Wales, lung cancer and a coronary problem that will see him dead before the age of 45. So when it comes to that noblest of sports, drag racing (pictured), what does the stereotypical fan who pops into your head look like? If you said someone who gets pissed a lot, likes cars too much and gets off on boozeinduced rioting – you’d be dead right. When a drag race sponsored by Bob Jane

T-Mart in Melbourne was cancelled in March, no less than 2000 pissed off fans decided to show their anger in the time honoured tradition of smashing the shit out of the nearest relevant thing they could. In this case, it was a Bob Jane T-marts store in Oakleigh. This week, 11 of them were finally found guilty of first-degree arseholeing about. What began as a peaceful demonstration turned ugly once the crowd began to swell and police became targets, having bottles hurled at their unmarked cars. Flares were thrown, a ute outside the shop was rolled and the store window was smashed using a baseball bat – which is something we only thought happened in Police Acadamy films. The total damage bill was more than $21,000. Youchie!

FLOODY HELL! THE flooding in Victoria has got so bad that cats are being robbed of their right to have a shit in a bowl of gravelly stuff. Why hast thou forsaken us lord! Apparently kitty litter and dog food were used to pack the doors of a supermarket of Dimboola supermarket in a desperate bid to keep flood waters out last week. The local McDonalds is also using kitty litter and dog food – as fillings for their extra value burgers. Business as usual then. “We’re in the lap of the gods - I’ve done as much as I can,’’ said Wimmera Bakery owner Colin Le Blanc, before asking ‘how you doing?’ in a New York accent to a hot reporter.

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WHAT’S ON MELBOURNE

HAVING taken Broadway and the West End by storm, new musical Spring Awakening makes its Australian debut at the National Theatre. Based on Frank Wedekind’s controversial 1891-written play, Spring Awakening matches nineteenth century angst ridden German country teens with an Americanised rock-based score. The unlikely partnership makes

for an unforgettable theatrical treat. With a young cast and shocking storylines, Spring Awakening is contemporary musical theatre at its best. With only a short run, get in line for those tickets now before you miss your chance. When: 27th January - 2nd February Where: National Theatre, St Kilda

BRAZILIAN quintet Cansei De Ser Sexy had the world screaming Let’s Make Love And Listen To Death From Above when they ﬁrst exploded onto the global music scene back in 2006. Before long their new wave sound had caught on and their eponymous debut international release became a must have record.

Whilst 2008’s Donkey failed to achieve the acclaim of their debut release, Cansei De Ser Sexy still rank as one of the best live acts on the circuit. With new material in the pipeline, this sideshow is a chance to see what’s next... When: January 29 Where: The Corner Hotel, Richmond

SOMEWHAT surprisingly Sia Furler is still best known for her work as a vocalist for those ambient types Zero 7. However, anyone who fell in love with Sia’s rasp on Destiny will have found it almost impossible to miss Sia’s latest ARIA winning effort We Are Born.

GO ON, admit it. You or your male best friend, when you were kids, used to love playing with barbies... In fact, isn’t an Action Man just Barbie’s boyfriend Ken in an army uniform? For his Australian debut, Canadian actor and comedian Daniel-Ryan Spaulding reminisces about being the boy who loved to play with dolls.

With ﬁve albums under her belt, we at BBM are hoping that she may relive earlier gems Taken For Granted and Breathe as well as celebrating her long overdue success. When: February 1 Where: The Palais, St Kilda

More than just an exploration of childhood toys, this mix of storytelling and stand-up is a celebration of childhood and creativity. When: 26 - 30 January Where: Hares & Hyenas 63 Johnston Street, Fitzroy

WITH the Australian Open reaching its exciting conclusion, now is the time to head down to see who you can spot and watch a game or two.

Question is, who are you going to be rooting for? When: Until January 30 Where: Melbourne Park

While tickets to speciﬁc games may set you back a dollar or two, the Australian Open Day Pass is the perfect way to pop from game to game whilst soaking up the atmosphere.

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WHAT’S ON PERTH

THE Cat is out of the bag - the delicately delightful Chan Marshall brings the Dirty Delta Blues band for a series of special shows this summer.

WHAT better way to celebrate Australia Day than with the country’s favourite DJ-duellers, Stanton Warriors? They’re returning to Perth for a dooms night at Villa Nightclub.

When: Monday January 24th Where: Quarry Amphitheatre Cost: $60

When: Tuesday January 25th Where: Villa Nightclub

FOR the first time the incredibly influential and artful English post-punk gods, Wire, will be coming to Perth for one mind-blowing show at the Bakery in 2011. With a likeness to post-punkers Gang of Four and Minutemen, Wire is often cited as one of the most significant rock groups of the ‘70s and ‘80s. Wire’s reformation and astounding live performances have reignited the excitement of several generations of fans. Performing tracks from their entire catalogue, this show should not be missed. When: Tuesday January 25th Where: Bakery Artrage Complex

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB 1 Holdsworth Street, Fremantle

ROSIE O’GRADY’S 205 James Street, Northbridge

ROSEMOUNT 459 Fitzgerald Street, North Perth

DURTY NELLY’S 397 Murray Street, Perth

THE NEWPORT HOTEL 2 South Terrace, Fremantle

MURPHY’S IRISH PUB 43 Mandurah Terrace, Perth

ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW 55 Lake Street, Northbridge

THE SHED 69/71 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge

HOTEL ROTTNEST 1 Bedford Avenue, Rottnest Island

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RECRUITMENT

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JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA DO YOU WANT TO WRITE about traveling around the Australians West Coast? This is a great opportunity to get your name in to print. This not a paid job, but other beneﬁts are available like free activities or accommodation as you travel. Well established magazine now ten years old. Please apply to: guchi.shakir@what-media. com

JUST CUTS are seeking fully qualiﬁed hairdressers, friendly and interactive professionals who pride themselves in doing quality cuts every time. If you love working in a team environment and are looking for a new exciting challenge email Maxine.mm@optusnet. com.au or ph 0734919626. Salons around Australiagreat chances to move around the country!

MELBOURNE

PROMOTIONAL STAFF. call centre work available to promote electricity and gas. simple work and great money. full time training provided - no experience needed. melbourne work only. call jerry on 03 9867 6322 FLAUNT IT! We are the leading producers of creative nude photography, and are looking for amateur models 18 + to smash the stereotypes. Earn 500+ cash on your own terms. Fun, safe women run company. Call Rebecca 03 9495 6555

SYDNEY NEED CASH??? North Shore promotion team needs a few outgoing extraverts who enjoy people and have “The Gift of the Gab”. If you are friendly, have a good smile and can get to work on time – join the excitement! CASH PAID EVERY NIGHT! Evening, Weekday and Sat/ Sun days. You need good English and a bright optimistic attitude. Call Dave the Coupon Guy 11am-2pm on 0402 568 680.

HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY: Bar Staff, Promo staff, admin staff etc. Do you have an outgoing personality & great presentation? Excellent pay rates with ﬂexible hours of weekdays, weekends or nights. Call or 02 8399 1768

‘ATTENTION’ Interested in working in the great Outdoors? Voted “Best Job in Sydney” for a backpacker. The Trackless Train that operates Tours through the Royal Botanic Gardens (on Sydney Harbour) is currently looking for staff. A suitable position for a female. The successful applicant will be working directly with the public so you’ll need to possess an outgoing and positive attitude. Requirements • Needs current work visa • Maturity • Full drivers licence • Reliable & Honest • Well mannered & presentable For more information, please contact Darren on 0417 001911.

CALLING ALL WORKING HOLIDAY MAKERS! -Earn great money while you’re here -Be part of an international network of companies -Fun and energetic environment Jobs available in Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Brisbane, Adelaide and regional areas! 02 92111022 or email jpappalardo@appcogroup.com.au www.appcogroup.com

INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: Warehousing, Labouring, Stores, Process Work, Green card and safety boots are an advantage – however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email Ciara@industriousrecruitment.com.au or call on 02-9270 5234

SALES EXECUTIVE DO WANT TO SETTLE DOWN IN AUSTRALIA? DO YOU LOVE SELLING? • Generous package • An opportunity to become an Australian permanent resident and eventually a citizen! • Fantastic full-time sales role with growth potential • Both face-to-face & call centre positions! • Complete training available • Assistance with your visa We are a privately owned media company experiencing growth year on year. We require LOUD, FUN & SMART individuals to join our young & dynamic team to work out of our West Sydney and Inner West Sydney ofﬁces. As Sales Executive you will be selling to medium sized local businesses and organisations, gradually building strong relationships with your portfolio of clients. We want to see your great selling skills and your original ideas and marketing solutions. If you have a professional attitude and presentation, then email your resume and a cover letter to

resumes@internode.on.net

BBM-592 // JOB LISTINGS

ADULT EMPLOYMENT -BEJFT SFR (VBSBOUFFE #VTJFTU E E #FTU 3BUF JO 4ZEOFZ 63(&/5 &"3/ , 1&3 4)*'5 1"*% %"*-: /P FYQFSJFODF SFRVJSFE GVMM USBJOJOH BOE GSFF BDDPNNPEBUJPO ,JOH 4U /FXUPXO 4U 1FUFST XXX BNPSF DPN BV

TRAVELLERS, STUDENTS & LOCALS Several vacancies exist @ our friendly well established full service parlour @ Darling Harbour. We have flexible shifts, caring female management, great pay ($150 p/ hr) and a very safe environment for sexy ladies.Great place for newcomers. Call 02 9660 5942 after 11am for a confidential chat. www.club121.com.au info@club121.com.au

Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Training provided Discreet, Paid daily Flexible hours Foxtel and internet access for staff Friendly Female management Located in the heart of Sydney Earn $150+ per hour

NO SEX

www.sirs.com.au 80 ERSKINE ST. SYDNEY CBD

Female Masseurs Required $110 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team

92997771 (02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills www.nirvanasydney.com.au

GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN!! BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE!! Female Masseurs required $110 p/hr Full training provided Immediate Start Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team

(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES 135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay www.atmichelles.com

KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road. 261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au

BBM-592 // JOB LISTINGS

JOB LISTINGS

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:&4 8& /&&% :06 #VTZ )JHI $MBTT BOE 8FMM FTUBCMJTIFE DFOUSF +VTU %SPQ JO BOE HFU TUBSUFE $BMM

BBM-592 // JOB LISTINGS

ACCOMMODATION SYDNEY

MELBOURNE BONDI JUNCTION. CHEAPER THAN A DORM: Walking distance to Cock and Bull and Tea Gardens. Rooms available: Singles, doubles, triples and quads. All bills inc. All rooms include kitchenette, fridge, microwave. Laundry. Spotless. Near transport. Oxford Court Accommodation. From $120pppw. 170 Oxford Street, Woollahra. Call 9327 2233 / 0412 547 840. Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms for $160 a week max 4 bed dorms, doubles and singles rooms also available $300 a week - in the heart of the city. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

DARLINGHURST BUDGET. NEWLY RE-FURBISHED SHARE ACCOMMODATION - Rear of 433 Liverpool Street, Darlinghurst. Corner of West Street. Central location, close to all amenities yet quiet. $160 P/P P/W + $200 Bond. All bills + WIRELESS INTERNET included. Fully furnished rooms in share house. 7 rooms - 2, 3 or 4 person share. Laundry, Kitchen, lounge/TV room. For appointment to view call Louise between 9am-7pm on 0402 034 119. APARTMENTS FOR RENT from $260.00 per week. Potts Point area. Ideal for 2 people, fully furnished & bills included. Fully equipped kitchens & bed linen supplied. TV and DVD player. Secure Building. Close to transport [5 mins to city centre], supermarkets, library, parks & restaurants. Short or Long Term available. Suitable for Couples. Please call 0416 500 088 Between 9am to 5pm

BBM-592 // ACCOMMODATION

FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park. Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

TO ADVERTISE CALL

ON (02) 8231 7701

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY

SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au CASA RADIANTE 373 - 375 Bulwara Road, Ultimo Sydney, NSW, 2007 Ph: 0412692824 or 0404 246 003 STRAND HOTEL 99 William St Darlinghurst, Sydney 2010 Ph: 02 93606910 www.strandhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au

PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

LIDO SUITES 2 Roslyn Street, Kings Cross, Sydney, 2011 Ph: 02 8354 0956 Toll Free: 1800 060 954 Fax: 02 9360 5670 kcsuites@leisureinnhotels.com www.leisureinnhotels.com Modern, boutique studio rooms located in the hub of Kings Cross’ non-stop energy and within easy reach of all Sydney’s best attractions.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com KANGA HOUSE BACKPACKERS 141 Victoria St, Kings Cross NSW 2011 FREECALL 1800 4 KANGA Ph: 9357 7897 Fax: 8354 0439 info@kangahouse.com.au www.kangahouse.com.au HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL 428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

THE ROYAL HOTEL 370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE

BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

HUNTER VALLEY

GOLDCOAST

HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800

KATOOMBA KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

JINDABYNE SNOWY MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS Ph: 1800 333 468 7-8 Gippsland St. Jindabyne NSW 2627 Fax: 02 6456 1511 backpack@snowy.net.au www.snowybackpackers.com.au

BYRON BAY AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

GECKO’S REST 34 Sydney st Mackay QLD 4740 Ph: 07 49441230 www.geckorest.com.au info@geckorest.com.au

GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

NOOSA

MISSION BEACH

www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

CALOUNDRA CALOUNDRA CITY BACKPACKERS 84 Omrah Avenue Caloundra, Sunshine Coast Queensland, Phone: 61 7 5499 7655 www.caloundracitybackpackers.com.au

MOOLOOLABA MOOLOOLABA BACKPACKERS 75 Brisbane Rd Mooloolaba QLD (07) 5444 3399 www.mooloolababackpackers.com

MACKAY

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

HERVEY BAY NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

BBM-592 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

WHITSUNDAYS BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1105 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

RAINBOW BEACH PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

DINGOS BACKPACKER RESORT 20 Spectrum Street, Rainbow Beach QLD 4581 FREECALL: 1800 103 823 www.dingosresort.com 3day/2night Selfguided camping Fraser Island Safari PLUS 2 nights at Dingos Resort $219 NO HIDDEN EXTRAS and FREE Pancake breakfast with every stay!!!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au

ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966 madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com ROYAL HOTEL 531 Wellington Street, Perth Western 6000 Ph: 08 9338 5100 wentpert@fc-hotels.com.au www.royalhotelperth.com.au YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA TOWN SHOP Ross St Mall, Maidstone Cresent, Exmouth, Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060

MONKEY MIA MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

BBM-592 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

KUNUNURRA KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

VICTORIA MILDURA RIVERBOAT BUNGALOW BACKPACKERS (Part of Working Hostels Mildura group) 27 Chaffey Ave Mildura, Victoria 3500 Tel: 0447 WORKER (0447 967 537) info@workinghostels.com.au www.workinghostels.com.au REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE GLOBAL BACKPACKERS 238 Victoria St (cnr Elizabeth St) Nth Melbourne, Vic, 3051 (opposite Queen Vic Market)

Freecall: 1800 700 478 globalhostel@yahoo.com.au www.globalbackpackers.com.au Best kept secret in town - small, simple, centrally located. $20 dorms Decent accommodation cheap!

EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 MELBOURNE METRO YHA

78 Howard Street North Melbourne 3051 Phone: (+613) 9329 8599 Web: www.yha.com.au Email: melbmetro@yhavic.org.au NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com $5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au

Australia THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au MELBOURNE OASIS YHA 76 Chapman St. North Melbourne VIC Ph: 03 9328 3595 oasis@yhavic.org.au http://www.yha.com.au Inviting all British Balls enthusiasts to check out Melbourne’s completely BUNK FREE hostel. Guaranteeing a good nights sleep! Foxtel TV & free swimming pool pass. Beds start at $27.

HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au

ST. KILDA OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms RITZ FOR BACKPACKERS 169b Fitzroy Street St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, 3182 Ph: 1800 670 364 info@ritzbackpackers.com www.ritzbackpackers.com HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

APOLLO BAY APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 www.chillis.com.au ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au

HINDMARSH GROOVEY GROUP 10 Bacon St, Hindmarsh SA 5007 getaways@groovygrape.com.au Freecall: 1800 66 11 77 Ph: + 61 8 8440 1640 www.grooveygroup.com.au ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand TE PUKE HAIRY BERRY BACKPACKER HOSTEL 2 No 1 Road, Te Puke NZ 0064 07 5738015 or 021 520539 www.hairyberrynz.com work@hairyberrynz.com “Bring this add for 100MB FREE internet on arrival & we garantee help to get seasonal work”

CHRISTCHURCH CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new ﬂashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakeﬁeld Street Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off ﬁrst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off ﬁrst night if you mention this ad

GREYMOUTH

KATIKATI OUR LITTLE PARADISE 378 Whara Whara Road KatiKati Ph +64 7 5490978 ourlittleparadise@ihug.co.nz

KARI KARI PENINSULA NORTHLAND

DUKE BACKPACKERS 7 Guinness Street, Greymouth Ph: 03-7689470 dukenz@clear.net.nz www.duke.co.nz

THE RUSTY ANCHOR

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.ﬁjinadibayhotel.com/ TRAVELLERS BEACH RESORT 19 Wasawasa Road, Nadi Bay Beach Ph: 6723322 Fax: 6720026 travellersbeach@connect.com.fj www.travellersbeachresort. com.fj Skype: travellersbeach

NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPaciﬁc Harbour P.O.Box 416 Paciﬁc Habour Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

1 Tokerau Beach Rd Kari Kari Peninsula Northland 0800 78 78 92 info@rustyanchor.co.nz www.rustyanchor.co.nz

BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfiji.comwww. beachcomberfiji.com AQUARIUS PACIFIC HOTELS LIMITED 17 Wasawasa Road, Newtown, Wailoaloa, Nadi Ph: (679) 6726 000 Fax: (679) 6726 001 reservations@aquariusfiji.com www.aquariusfiji.com

THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fijibeachouse.com www.fijibeachouse.com SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfiji.com, Skype name: Smugglers Cove

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandﬁji. com HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachﬁji.com

BBM-592 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

ADVENTURE SPORTS SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

SIMPLY SKYDIVE SYDNEY P.O. Box 5060 Elanora Heights NSW 2101 Sydney International Regatta Centre

Penrith Lakes NSW 2750 FreeCall 1800 SKYDIVE Ph: 02/92238444 Fax: 02/92315878 Info@simplyskydive.com.au www.simplyskydive.com.au Awesome views of Sydney and the Blue Mountains!

SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

NEW ZEALAND SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com

NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

SOUTH WEST ROCKS DIVE CENTRE 5/98 Gregory St, South West Rocks, NSW, 2431 Tel: 02 65 66 6474 info@southwestrocksdive.com.au www.southwestrocksdive.com.au Experience Australia’s best ocean cave & shark dive. Catering for first timers to experienced divers

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. FISH ROCK DIVE CENTRE 134 Gregory St South West Rocks, NSW 2431 Ph: (02) 6566 6614 or 0414 381985 www.fishrock.com.au dive@fishrock.com.au World class diving, Gray Nurse Sharks, Caves, Whales...this is the real thing!

NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

FIJI SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

YOUNG TRAVELLERS TOURS MELBOURNE Ph - 0488 002 212 www.yttours.com Fun original tours along the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island! One day tour from $90 OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au

JET BOATING

NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

ROLLERBLADING AUSTRALIA

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Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

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BBM-592 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

CRYSTAL BALLS Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week first place, so go back to the

You are going to meet a tall

and locked up on a bestiality

fun-loving girl you once were.

dark stranger who is going to

charges.

whisk you off your feet. Get your tits out more and win

But don’t worry you’ll be

back your old nickname of “the

But be wary, there is a good

released in mid-September

mounting bike.”

chance it is an immigration

when the real culprit is found.

official who knows you’ve been

Cancer

working on the side since your

Capricorn

YOU’VE been in Australia

visa ran out last month.

THIS week you will be

for nine months now and

uncharacteristically concerned

apart from getting pissed and

Libra

sleeping with people who look

SINCE arriving in Australia

like extras from Star Trek you

you have become a different

You will give change to beggars

Aries

haven’t really achieved anything

person. You are confident,

in the street and donate a pint

AS the old saying goes,

on your ‘to do list’ before you

chatty, outgoing and nothing

of blood to the blood bank.

opinions are like arseholes,

set off. At least cuddle a koala.

seems to bother you – you can rise above everything.

everyone’s got one. But maybe

However, you will quickly

it’s time to start keeping yours

Leo

to yourself every now and

BY now you’ve realised that

This week is going to test your

you discover some devious

again – the same goes for your

deciding to go camping with

new-found character to the

bastard has been using your

arsehole for that matter.

your best mate is the worst

max when a call from home

bank account to subscribe to

decision you’ve ever made.

reveals you are adopted and

hardcore porn websites.

revert to your old self when

that Granny Betty actually used

Your friends are starting to get mightily pissed off with the

You argue all the time, they are

constant voicing of your views.

constantly borrowing money off

to be Grandpa Joe.

Aquarius YOU seem to go from week to

you and they never cook, clean

Scorpio

week getting yourself in more

or wash anything.

YOU find your bloke cheating

trouble than the last – but don’t

on you with a six-foot Swedish

worry, there is a simple solution

blonde – hey, who cares?

to this problem.

You have two choices, dump

Does it strike you as a being a

the prick or fight for him. If

coincidence that every time you

No need to worry. Just casually

you choose the latter, don

get yourself into trouble you are

Taurus

stroke their genitalia and soon

your tallest stilettos, squeeze

pissed? It is obvious you are a

THIS week you’ll feel that you

you will both be so freaked out

into your tiniest boob tube

lightweight when it comes to

want to share your feelings

you need at least 10,000 miles

and show him what he’d be

the demon drink. Desist.

with someone close to you, but

distance between you.

missing. But you’d probably

So even if you do feel like you have a valid point to make about the depleted numbers

You want to go travelling on

of West African goat-monkeys,

your own but don’t know how

it doesn’t mean your mates

to approach the issue.

necessarily want to hear it.

be better cutting your losses. I

Pisces

a bloke and that’s not the way

Virgo

don’t rate you chances against

GRABBING a girl by the nether

you do it.

SOMETIMES things have a

Helga.

regions and proclaiming:

remember you’re meant to be

“Fancy a shag?” is not the

way of working themselves out Just bottle them up and get

so stop worrying about that

Sagittarius

best way to make a good first

drunk instead

fungal infection you picked

THIS week will start badly and

impression.

upand concentrate on enjoying

get progressively worse.

Gemini

life. The stinking puss-filled

NOBODY seems to respect

scab will eventually heal.

As it turns out, treatment for

subtle approach to pulling

you. You feel undervalued

Possibly. Just make sure you

an STD is fairly expensive and

unless you want to land

at work and your friends are

think positive.

you’ll be sacked for stealing

yourself serious jail time.

starting to talk over you.

Try coming up with a more

toilet paper from work. On a side note, this approach

Things haven’t gone well for

for the needs of other people.

Come on woman, at times like

you in the romance department

The weekend doesn’t look

will work on Katie Price,

these you have to remember

over the last few months but all

much better when you’ll be

Courtney Love and Dame Judy

why people liked you in the

of that is about to change.

a victim of mistaken identity

Dench. BBM-592 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ASK CRYSTAL by those sexy crater-faced

copping off with my guy mates,

Dear Saeed,

pre-pubescents at Oporto. But

as I watched in jealous fury.

IS that the kind of girl you think I

Saeed, although you sound like

am? Well you are spot on.

a saucy guy yourself, feel free

Regrettably, I ended up getting

to invite your friends or even

so drunk I ran around the house

I did have a long term

your football team. The more the

naked, thrusting my flaccid penis

relationship once but it turned

merrier.

into several girls’ horrified faces. What can I do?

out to be the worst week of my

Dear Crystal,

life.

Dear Crystal

Scott, Adelaide

I NEED some advice on girls

Dear Scott,

THERE is free internet at this

Luckily for you, I have recently

place so I thought of writing to

washed my fishnet stockings,

you.

not that I needed to – who would

They seem to like me, we

see you more as a fag-hag than

have thought that they could

drink coffee, they tell me their

boyfriend material.

I don’t have any particular

smell so good after 15 weeks

problems and say they feel close

problem at the moment but want

wear?

to me. But I want animal sex and

You will have to be a bit bolder

don’t know when it’s time to stop

and manlier if you want to stop this vicious circle of events.

to know if there is any chance

– it’s as simple as that.

YOU poor thing. Girls obviously

you will go out for dinner with

I do like dinner before dessert

discussing this season’s floral

me? We can even skip the dinner

though, it has to be classy mind

cardigans and start taking them

part if you like. I’m leaving soon

– and nothing turns me on more

savagely from behind.

so make your mind up.

than a night out involving the

Saeed, Melbourne

divine grilled chicken served

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail editor@britishballs.com

Everyone fears rejection but wouldn’t you rather get a simple

I’m starting to get really

yet crushing knock back, than

frustrated because at a recent

almost end up on a sex offenders

party all my girl mates ended up

JOKES TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/ BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS UK-NEWS

MY son spoke his ﬁrst words to me today... “Dad, where the fuck have you been for the past 20 years?” Peter, Yorkshire

I GOT an invite to the ‘marriage ceremony’ for T-Mobile and Orange. The reception afterwards was shit, there was only one bar. Timothy, Perth

MATT Damon beat me to the lead role in a major Hollywood ﬁlm and I’ve been planning my revenge ever since. I’ll make him wish he’d never been Bourne. John, Wollongong

MY WIFE’S constantly getting her tits out in public and it’s really embarrassing. They’re tiny. Roger, Randwick

I WAS sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself: “Please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection...” But she did. Rick, Darwin

I WENT to a shop and said: “I need a battery so I can tell the time.” The man said: “Is it for a clock?” I said: “I don’t know, that’s why I need a battery.” Ted, Leeds

I WAS in Brisbane waiting ages for a bus. Then what do you know, two ﬂoat past at once. Jimbo, Townsville

MY granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Bristol Zoo. Dexy, Surry Hills

I ASKED this Australian bloke how far away I was from Queensland. He replied: “It’s twenty clicks away, mate.” Things must be bad if they’ve started speaking dolphin. Sam, Surry Hills

I’VE just published a book on preserving the rainforest and what we can do as a human race to help protect it. It’s 2000 pages long. Jack, Chicago

BBM-592 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE Manchester United Manchester City Arsenal Chelsea Tottenham Hotspur Sunderland Bolton Wanderers Stoke City Newcastle United Blackpool Blackburn Rovers Everton Liverpool West Bromwich Albion Fulham Birmingham City Aston Villa Wigan Athletic Wolverhampton Wanderers West Ham United

Pl 21 23 22 22 22 23 23 22 22 21 23 22 22 22 22 21 22 22 22 23

W 12 13 13 11 10 8 7 9 8 8 8 5 7 7 4 4 5 4 6 4

D 9 6 4 5 7 10 9 3 5 4 4 11 5 4 11 11 7 10 3 8

L 0 4 5 6 5 5 7 10 9 9 11 6 10 11 7 6 10 8 13 11

LEAGUE 1

CHAMPIONSHIP +/24 18 23 19 6 3 3 2 3 -5 -8 -2 -4 -12 -2 -5 -15 -15 -14 -19

Pts 45 45 43 38 37 34 30 30 29 28 28 26 26 25 23 23 22 22 21 20

Queens Park Rangers Swansea City Cardiff City Norwich City Leeds United Watford Reading Nottingham Forest Millwall Burnley Coventry City Hull City Leicester City Derby County Doncaster Rovers Barnsley Bristol City Portsmouth Middlesbrough Ipswich Town Shefﬁeld United Crystal Palace Scunthorpe United Preston North End

Pl 26 27 26 26 27 25 26 24 26 25 27 26 27 26 24 25 26 25 26 25 26 26 24 25

W 13 14 13 12 12 12 10 10 10 9 10 9 10 10 9 9 8 8 8 8 7 7 7 5

D 10 4 5 8 8 6 10 10 9 9 6 9 6 4 7 6 7 6 5 4 6 4 2 5

L 3 9 8 6 7 7 6 4 7 7 11 8 11 12 8 10 11 11 13 13 13 15 15 15

+/27 9 10 8 7 15 13 12 9 6 -1 -1 -7 1 -2 -7 -10 -4 -5 -7 -16 -21 -18 -18

Pts 49 46 44 44 44 42 40 40 39 36 36 36 36 34 34 33 31 30 29 28 27 25 23 20

Brighton and Hove Albion Huddersﬁeld Town Southampton AFC Bournemouth Peterborough United Milton Keynes Dons FC Charlton Athletic Oldham Athletic Shefﬁeld Wednesday Colchester United Rochdale Hartlepool United Plymouth Argyle Brentford Carlisle United Exeter City Notts County Leyton Orient Swindon Town Tranmere Rovers Yeovil Town Bristol Rovers Dagenham & Redbridge Walsall

Pl 23 25 24 25 23 25 23 23 23 22 24 23 26 24 22 24 22 22 24 23 23 24 23 24

W 13 13 12 11 11 11 9 9 10 8 8 9 9 9 8 8 9 7 7 7 7 5 5 5

D 7 3 5 7 3 3 8 8 4 10 9 6 6 5 7 7 3 7 7 5 5 9 6 4

LEAGUE 2 L 3 9 7 7 9 11 6 6 9 4 7 8 11 10 7 9 10 8 10 11 11 10 12 15

+/24 10 23 18 0 -4 4 1 12 1 4 -4 -7 -2 9 -7 1 -2 -5 -10 -12 -18 -14 -22

D 5 4 4 5 7 5 4 3 5 8 6 8 5 7 7 7 4 4 3 5

L 3 5 5 5 4 4 7 8 8 5 7 7 8 8 8 7 10 11 12 12

Pts 46 42 41 40 36 36 35 35 34 34 33 33 33 32 31 31 30 28 28 26 26 24 21 19

Chesterﬁeld Wycombe Wanderers Rotherham United Port Vale Crewe Alexandra Shrewsbury Town Bury Gillingham Oxford United Cheltenham Town Torquay United Accrington Stanley Morecambe Bradford City Southend United Aldershot Town Northampton Town Stevenage Football Club Macclesﬁeld Town Burton Albion Stockport County Barnet Hereford United Lincoln City

Pl 23 24 23 23 24 24 23 24 24 24 23 24 23 25 23 24 24 22 22 21 26 25 23 21

W 14 12 11 11 10 10 10 10 10 9 8 7 8 9 8 7 7 6 7 6 5 6 5 5

D 6 7 8 6 8 8 6 6 5 7 8 10 6 3 5 8 7 9 5 7 9 5 7 4

L 3 5 4 6 6 6 7 8 9 8 7 7 9 13 10 9 10 7 10 8 12 14 11 12

+/21 8 15 8 18 12 12 5 0 0 7 -2 -2 -9 -1 -7 -8 4 -8 2 -30 -16 -14 -15

Pts 48 43 41 39 38 38 36 36 35 34 32 31 30 30 29 29 28 27 26 25 24 23 22 19

EUROPEAN LEAGUES

FOCUS ON... GERMANY THEY say it ain’t over until the fat lady sings, but after this weekend’s results in the Bundesliga she’s ﬁnished singing and has just stopped off at a drive-through McDonalds to grab a large Big Mac meal on her way home. Borussia Dortmund’s 3-1 away win at title rivals Bayer Leverkusen means the leaders now have a 12-point cushion over closest rivals Hannover. Highﬂying Hannover and Mainz have been something of a surprise this season anyway and won’t be expected to maintain their current positions. And a stumble by a resurgent Bayern Munich, who drew 1-1 with Shhhteve McClaren’s Wolfsburg, means they’re still 16 points off the pace. It’s pipe and slippers time for Dortmund.

Borussia Dortmund Hannover 96 FSV Mainz 05 Bayer Leverkusen Bayern München SC Freiburg Hamburger SV Eintracht Frankfurt Hoffenheim 1. FC Kaiserslautern Schalke 04 1. FC Nürnberg Werder Bremen VfL Wolfsburg FC St.Pauli 1. FC Köln VfB Stuttgart Borussia Mönchengladbach

Pl 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18

W 15 11 11 9 8 9 8 8 6 6 6 6 6 4 5 4 4 3

D 1 1 0 6 6 2 3 2 7 4 4 4 4 8 3 4 3 4

L 2 6 7 3 4 7 7 8 5 8 8 8 8 6 10 10 11 11

+/31 1 10 8 11 0 0 0 9 0 0 -7 -11 -1 -14 -15 -2 -20

Pts 46 34 33 33 30 29 27 26 25 22 22 22 22 20 18 16 15 13

SERIE A AC Milan Napoli Lazio AS Roma Juventus Internazionale Palermo Udinese Cagliari Sampdoria Fiorentina Chievo Genoa Parma Catania Bologna Cesena Lecce Brescia Bari

Pl 20 20 20 20 20 18 20 20 20 19 19 20 19 20 20 20 19 20 20 20

W 12 11 11 10 9 9 9 9 7 6 6 5 6 5 5 6 5 5 5 3

LA LIGA +/17 10 8 4 10 12 8 4 5 2 0 -2 -4 -6 -7 -8 -9 -18 -9 -17

Pts 41 37 37 35 34 32 31 30 26 26 24 23 23 22 22 22 19 19 18 14

FC Barcelona Real Madrid Villarreal CF Valencia CF RCD Espanyol Atlético Madrid Athletic Bilbao Getafe CF RCD Mallorca Sevilla FC Real Sociedad Hércules CF Deportivo La Coruña Racing Santander Osasuna Málaga CF Sporting Gijón Real Zaragoza Levante UD UD Almería

Pl 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19

W 17 15 12 11 11 9 9 8 8 8 8 6 5 5 4 5 3 3 4 2

D 1 3 3 4 1 3 2 3 3 2 1 4 6 5 6 2 7 7 3 8

L 1 1 4 4 7 7 8 8 8 9 10 9 8 9 9 12 9 9 12 9

+/50 30 18 9 0 8 -2 -1 -1 -5 -2 -6 -11 -11 -8 -17 -10 -15 -11 -15

SCOTTISH PREMIER Celtic Rangers Heart of Midlothian Kilmarnock Inverness Caledonian Thistle Motherwell Dundee United St. Johnstone Aberdeen Hibernian St. Mirren Hamilton Academical

Pl 21 19 20 21 22 20 17 19 20 20 20 19

W 15 15 13 9 7 7 6 6 6 4 4 2

D 4 2 3 4 7 4 6 4 2 4 4 6

L 2 2 4 8 8 9 5 9 12 12 12 11

+/31 25 19 10 3 -1 -3 -12 -17 -14 -18 -23

Pts 49 47 42 31 28 25 24 22 20 16 16 12

BBM-592 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

Pts 52 48 39 37 34 30 29 27 27 26 25 22 21 20 18 17 16 16 15 14

FOOTBALL RESULTS Wednesday, 19 January 2011 The FA Cup Leeds 1-3 Arsenal Scottish Cup East Stirling 1-0 Buckie Thistle Blue Square South Farnborough 3-2 Bishop’s Stortford Lewes 0-0 Bromley International Match Botswana 1-2 Sweden ---------------------------------------------------------Tuesday, 18 January The FA Cup Cardiff 0-2 Stoke (After Extra Time) Man City 4-2 Leicester Wolverhampton 5-0 Doncaster Npower League One Bristol Rovers 0-0 Hartlepool MK Dons 1-3 Plymouth Rochdale 0-0 Bournemouth Npower League Two Accrington Stanley 1-3 Shrewsbury Aldershot 1-0 Bradford Clydesdale Bank Premier League Kilmarnock 1-2 Hearts Rangers 1-0 Inverness CT Johnstone’s Paint Trophy Carlisle 4-0 Huddersﬁeld Blue Square Premier Bath City 0-2 Crawley Town Fleetwood Town 1-1 AFC Wimbledon Gateshead 3-0 Barrow Grimsby 2-1 Kettering Hayes & Yeading 3-3 Rushden & D’mnds Luton 5-0 York Southport 0-1 Wrexham Tamworth 1-1 Altrincham Scottish Cup Ayr 1-0 Hibernian Dunfermline 5-3 Montrose Morton 2-2 Airdrie Utd Partick Thistle 1-0 Falkirk Peterhead 1-6 St Mirren Ross County 0-0 Dundee Utd (Utd win 4-3 on pens) Stenhousemuir 0-0 Stranraer Scottish Championship Second Division Dumbarton 4-1 Alloa East Fife 2-4 Livingston Scottish Championship Third Division Albion 1-2 Queen’s Park The FA Carlsberg Trophy Cambridge Utd 3-6 Alfreton Town Eastbourne Boro 1-0 Dorchester Blue Square North Blyth Spartans 3-0 AFC Telford Gainsborough 1-2 Nuneaton Harrogate Town 3-2 Stafford Rangers Solihull Moors 2-2 Droylsden Vauxhall Motors 3-2 Corby Workington 5-1 Redditch Blue Square South Dartford 1-1 Staines Town Welsh Premier League The New Saints 2-2 Bangor City Carling Premiership Linﬁeld 2-1 Glentoran Lisburn Distillery 1-3 Donegal Celtic Newry 2-2 Coleraine ---------------------------------------------------------Monday, 17 January Johnstone’s Paint Trophy Brentford 1-1 Exeter Blue Square North Hinckley Utd 2-0 Hyde ---------------------------------------------------------Sunday, 16 January Barclays Premier League Birmingham 1-1 Aston Villa Liverpool 2-2 Everton Sunderland 1-1 Newcastle Tottenham 0-0 Man Utd ---------------------------------------------------------Saturday, 15 January Barclays Premier League Chelsea 2-0 Blackburn Man City 4-3 Wolverhampton Stoke 2-0 Bolton West Brom 3-2 Blackpool West Ham 0-3 Arsenal Wigan 1-1 Fulham

BBM-592 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

Npower Championship Bristol City 0-4 Middlesbrough Burnley 0-0 QPR Coventry 0-0 Sheff Utd Doncaster 0-3 Reading Hull 2-0 Barnsley Leeds 4-0 Scunthorpe Millwall 2-1 Ipswich Norwich 1-1 Cardiff Nott’m Forest 2-1 Portsmouth Preston 1-1 Leicester Swansea 3-0 Crystal Palace Watford 3-0 Derby Npower League One Brighton 3-1 Peterborough Carlisle 4-0 Bristol Rovers Hartlepool 0-1 Dag & Red MK Dons 2-0 Tranmere Plymouth 0-2 Oldham Rochdale 1-1 Leyton Orient Sheff Wed 2-2 Charlton Southampton 0-0 Notts County Swindon 0-1 Yeovil Walsall 2-4 Huddersfield Npower League Two Barnet 1-1 Shrewsbury Bury 1-1 Aldershot Cheltenham 1-2 Accrington Stanley Chesterfield 1-0 Stevenage Crewe 2-1 Port Vale Gillingham 1-0 Northampton Hereford 3-0 Stockport Lincoln City 1-2 Wycombe Morecambe 2-1 Torquay Oxford Utd 2-1 Bradford Rotherham 1-2 Southend Clydesdale Bank Premier League Aberdeen 2-0 St Mirren Hibernian 0-3 Celtic Kilmarnock 1-1 St Johnstone Motherwell 0-0 Inverness CT Rangers 4-0 Hamilton Blue Square Premier Barrow 2-1 Kidderminster Crawley Town 2-1 Kettering Histon 1-2 York Scottish Championship First Division Dunfermline 0-0 Dundee Falkirk 0-3 Queen of South Morton 3-0 Cowdenbeath Partick Thistle 6-1 Stirling Ross County 0-1 Raith Rovers Scottish Championship Second Division Airdrie Utd 2-2 Brechin Alloa 0-1 Ayr Dumbarton 0-1 Stenhousemuir Peterhead 3-0 Livingston Scottish Championship Third Division Albion 0-2 Montrose Annan Athletic 2-2 Elgin Berwick 0-4 Arbroath East Stirling 2-0 Clyde Stranraer 2-1 Queen’s Park The FA Carlsberg Trophy AFC Telford 1-0 Eastwood Town AFC Wimbledon 2-3 Woking Alfreton Town 3-3 Cambridge Utd Ashford Town (Middx) 0-1 Dartford Blyth Spartans 2-1 Altrincham Boston Utd 0-1 Gloucester Chasetown 2-1 Grimsby Darlington 4-1 Bath City Dorchester 3-3 Eastbourne Boro Droylsden 1-0 Ebbsfleet United Eastleigh 3-3 Worcester Gateshead 6-0 Hampton & Richmond Guiseley 2-1 Stalybridge Luton 4-0 Uxbridge Mansfield 4-2 Newport County Salisbury 1-0 Wrexham Blue Square North Harrogate Town 1-2 Nuneaton Hyde 1-2 Solihull Moors Redditch 1-4 Gainsborough Stafford Rangers 1-0 Vauxhall Motors Blue Square South Boreham Wood 2-0 Chelmsford Braintree Town 1-0 Lewes Bromley 0-1 Basingstoke Farnborough 4-1 Dover Staines Town 3-0 Bishop’s Stortford Thurrock 2-1 Welling Weston-S-Mare 1-1 Havant and W Scot-Ads Highland Football League Brora 0-3 Keith Buckie Thistle 2-1 Inverurie Locos Clachnacuddin 3-3 Fraserburgh Cove Rangers 1-2 Forres Mechanics

FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS! CHECK out BBM’s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.premierleague.com for all the latest results and standings. Table below was up to date at time of going to press.

Prizes (in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $400 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100

TEAM

MANAGER

TOT

Dizzying Heights FC

Siva Iyer

1220

alovelycupoftea

James Horrocks

1213

every week you

dan magee

1181

Mukin Fagic

Luke Gately

1174

Evertonian

John Armitage

1152

Stop, Hammertime!

Paul Steadman

1147

Ozzies Allstars ***

James Osborne

1129

Alcohol Fc

Ron f

1125

Tallulah

Neil Weaver

1121

TippytappyFC

Richie Egan

1110

Holy-family ‘B’ team

Pat Mustard

1109

Your Ma’s Athletic

brian o gorman

1098

Alan’s Deep Bath

jason kerley

1097

Red Incas

Mark Stansﬁeld

1094

Rootin & Tootin

Oisin Coveney

1085

bobby dazzlerz

tom mcelwain

1083

Juggernauts

Gaurav Rana

1068

Arsenal

Brian Harvey

1066

ARTIMUS T FINCH

Simon Marshall

1061

Insert Name Here Utd

Richard Gadsby

1060

New Entry

Ranking Increased

Ranking stayed the same

Ranking Fell

WORLD SPORT POT OF MONEY SNOOKER: A journalist who spent two days with drunken mentalist Alex Higgins (right) has decided to cash in on his reﬂected fame by selling some of the dead snooker legend’s tat for vast sums of money. Journalist David O’Dornan, the Paul Burrell of sports media, is auctioning a selection of notes scrawled by Higgins onto the back of betting slips, bar receipts and the racing page of a newspaper. Surprisingly, they don’t say things like “Aﬂie’s Boy, 2.30 at Chepstow” or “bread, milk and Tennants four-pack”. One reads: “(I was) technically the very best, better than any chess grand master, and when I decided to attack I was also lethal, plus I invented all the delicate

screw and stun shots playing on or around the black and pink.” Another says: “Was always honest and tried my best”. Even more surprisingly, they’re expected to raise £1,000 at auction. “It’s a bizarre range of notes which provide a fascinating insight into the mind of the troubled genius that was Alex Higgins,” O’Dornan said. “They really tell a story and for the past couple of years I had preserved them safely in an envelope tucked away in a drawer - they deserve to ﬁnd a better home with a fan or a collector who’ll appreciate them more.” Of course, David, we’re sure the £1,000 wasn’t even a consideration.

OLE! IT’S OLA! GOLF: The man with the most Spanish name in sport, Jose Maria Olazabal, has been named Europe’s 2012 Ryder Cup captain. The Spaniard, 44, will lead Europe’s defence in Illinois in September next year after he was announced as Colin Montgomerie’s successor last Tuesday. “The two Masters wins at Augusta National are the highlight of my playing career, but this is my proudest moment,” said Olathhhhhhabel. “Golf has been my life and representing Europe in the Ryder Cup has given me so much enjoyment. So to be named the European Ryder Cup captain is something very special and I am looking forward to the next 20 months before we reach Medinah.”

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WORLD SPORT ENGLAND’S PRIOR CONVICTION CRICKET: Following the traumatic shambles that was the national football team’s campaign in South Africa last year, the mere words “World Cup” still cause Englishmen to twitch involuntarily, go into spasm and, in some cases, enter a catatonic state that lasts for several days. But at least there’s one national team we can be proud of this year and be reasonably conﬁdent of a decent showing on the global stage, with the ODI World Cup taking place next month.

injury while Kent bowler James Tredwell has been selected as a third spinner. “We believe that Matt Prior is best suited to the sub-continent conditions - that’s why we’ve picked him,” said coach Andy Flower.

Champions Trophy games in September 2009 after Prior was injured - is likely to be England’s emergency keeper should injury befall Prior again. __________________________________ England’s World Cup squad:

“The circumstances have changed. Matt Prior did very well out here in the Test matches. He is a combative, aggressive cricketer. He ﬁts our aggressive ﬁelding unit so those are the reasons why he has been picked for the World Cup.”

Andrew Strauss (Middlesex, capt), James Anderson (Lancashire), Ian Bell (Warwickshire), Tim Bresnan (Yorkshire), Stuart Broad (Nottinghamshire), Paul Collingwood (Durham), Eoin Morgan (Middlesex), Kevin Pietersen (Surrey), Matt Prior (Sussex, wk), Ajmal Shahzad (Yorkshire), Graeme Swann (Nottinghamshire), James Tredwell (Kent), Jonathan Trott (Warwickshire), Luke Wright (Sussex), Michael Yardy (Sussex).

Eoin Morgan - who kept wicket in two England this week released their 15-man squad for the tournament, which kicks off on February 19 and will be held in India, Sri Lanka and Bangladesh. There were few surprises, with the only change of note being the dropping of Steven Davies as wicketkeeper and opener for Matt Prior.

GROUP A

GROUP B

Australia Canada Kenya New Zealand Pakistan Sri Lanka Zimbabwe

Bangladesh England India Ireland Netherlands South Africa West Indies

Speedster Stuart Broad returns from

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FOOTBALL

VIEWS

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW By Lorna Avio

we can tell you what Capello was thinking: “What’s he doing here? I thought I ditched him months ago”.

THE passion is back at The Kop, Kenny Daglish is ready to change the fate of Liverpool. The Kop faithful call him ‘King’ and hailed his name when Raul Meireles scored Liverpool’s ﬁrst goal in his second stint in charge. Not bad for manager yet to win a game. Manchester City did not wait long to make the most of their gazillion dollar signing Edin Dzeko against Wolves. You know what that meant; Carlos Tevez had to move off the back pages. We all know how much Carlos loves attention and there was no way some new kid was going to take it away from him. Hence, he scored a double letting everybody know who the real star is. Their cross-city rivals saw red following the sending off of Rafael Da Silva. Sir Alex

It would not be week of football without FIFA’s evil lord Sepp Blatter opening his mouth and making some comment. This week he says FIFA will consider goal line technology… which is the same thing he said about six months ago. Ferguson is probably kicking himself for not playing his own latest signing – Howard Webb. As Spurs and United battled it out, in the crowd was Fabio Capello with a pen and paper doodling what the England team should look like. To his surprise England pretty boy David Beckham was sat next to him. Capello, the nice man he is, even put his arm around old Goldenballs. Since BBM is an expert in mind reading

But, we at BBM are onto him and know his comments are just a diversion from the real problems in FIFA. Well, it won’t work Sepp, when we think of FIFA the ﬁrst word that still springs to mind is ‘corruption’ followed swiftly by several less-printable words that are probably better left unsaid. Don’t bother us with your witterings again Sepp, unless it’s to say: “I am leaving FIFA.”

FROM WINNING THE DOUBLE TO THE CRONULLA SHARKS OF THE A-LEAGUE By Alen Delic Sydney FC just keep setting new standards in the A-League. From winning the Double one season to failing to qualify for a six-team ﬁnals series the next…

Playing Mark Bridge as a lone striker or an attacking midﬁelder is a recipe for disaster; his solitary goal in 1548 minutes speaks for itself.

So just how does a team doing just about everything right manage to Cronulla Shark themselves within the space of a season?

For a perfect example of Lavicka’s lack of tactical nous, take a look at the Melbourne match last week – a must-win match against your biggest rivals at home. He came out with one striker. Okay, it’s fair to tread water before diving in and Sydney dominated midﬁeld. But they rarely looked like scoring.

I could rattle on about how the new signings failed to settle in straight away, or talk about how Nick Carle and Alex Brosque’s constant niggling injuries would have sent them to the glue factory in the horseracing world. But the big reason could be put down to one man – Vitezslav Lavicka. The Czech coach’s tactical stubbornness is relenting these days, but it has taken far too long to find a winning combination. For the first twenty-something games, Lavicka persisted with playing one striker up front. The Sky Blues played some good football but couldn’t score in a brothel with a fistful of fifty-dollar bills.

It wasn’t until Melbourne made changes at half-time and Sydney let one in that the coach signalled to bring on a second striker. Juho Makela came on and Sydney began to play with more conﬁdence, more desire and a brand of football rarely seen this season. This season might be a write-off, but these last few matches have managed to whet the appetites of many Sydney FC fans for the Asian Champions League. If Sydney remain injury free, they could challenge for the title again next season.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK “People will try to take my pants down and give me a smacking in terms of transfer fees at present but I’ll deal with that.” Steve Bruce presents a horrifying mental image following the £24million sale of Darren Bent.

“If they want to insult me by offering only £3.5 million for Charlie [Adam] then they are barking up the wrong tree and messing with the wrong dog because I will bite them.” Ian Holloway curls up his lip at Gerard Houllier.

“He (Mourinho) is the best coach in the world but, as a man, he still has to learn manners. Roberto Mancini’s the most important coach I’ve ever had. He’ll soon become the No 1 in the world. But already, in terms of human qualities, he is two kilometres ahead of Mourinho. Wait, make that 10km.” Queitly-spoken Mario Balotelli ﬁnally voices an opinion.

“He apologised straight away. I don’t think he’s clever enough technically to have drawn that up himself.” Kenny Dalglish raises doubts over whether Ryan Babel is bright enough to superimpose Howard Webb’s head on a Man United shirt.

“Call me old-fashioned but it’s what I call respect in the game. Thankfully my parents put that into me. I never disrespect anyone in this game because I know how tough it is.” Huddersﬁeld boss Lee Clark hits back at criticism of his side’s tactics from former player Andy Butler, now at Walsall. This is the same Lee Clark who while a Sunderland player wore a t-shirt adorned with the phrase ‘Sad Mackem Bastards’ while sitting with Newcastle supporters at the 1999 FA Cup ﬁnal.

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FOOTBALL

WEEKEND PREVIEW

SATURDAY FIXTURES

EARLY KICK-OFF GUIDE WOLVES

Saturday 22nd January Barclays Premier League Arsenal v Wigan Athletic Aston Villa v Man City Blackpool v Sunderland Everton v West Ham Fulham v Stoke City Man Utd v Birmingham Newcastle v Tottenham Wolves v Liverpool

LIVERPOOL

LWWLW LEAGUE FORM LWLLD 19TH LEAGUE POSITION 13TH KICK-OFF: 11.45PM (SYDNEY) WORTH STAYING UP FOR RATING:

WHAT WE SAY LIVERPOOL are on a hiding to nothing for this one. Anything other than a win and even the King Kenny brigade will be forced to rub their rose-tinted specs with a bit of windolene. Consequently, the pressure is all on the Reds (who don’t have Roy of the Rovers Gerrard at their disposal) while Wolves, who’ve had some decent results recently, have nothing to lose and the scent of blood in their nostrils. If they’re lucky, and we think they will be, Liverpool will scrape a draw. Prediction: Wolves 1-1 Liverpool

WHAT THEY SAY Mick McCarthy (Wolves): “It was another good performance (the 5-0 FA Cup win against Doncaster), that’s the thing. But then we’ve been playing well, as we did on Saturday (against Man City). Although we lost, people were more upbeat about the team, the performance and the club because we had played so well. The performance against Doncaster backs that up, but then things have never needed lifting here.”

Kenny Dogleash (Liverpool): “It’s important for us as a football club to give the supporters a lift and the players a lift. If we can get someone in who will improve what we have, great. Players themselves want competition and they maybe get a lift when a new player comes in. That’s what we will try and do but it has got to be someone decent. We are not going to get someone in just for the sake of having them.”

TEAM NEWS: For Wolves, Star Wars actor Mark Hammill could be thrown straight into the lineup following his midweek move from Barnsley to face the club where he began his career. David Edwards is close to a return from a hamstring injury but George Elokobi completes a three-match ban. Liverpool will check on the fitness of Milan Jovanovic, who has missed training due to illness but Steeeevie Gerrard is definitely out, serving the final match of his suspension. Jamie Carragher is not expected to return from injury until next month.

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE!

with ace pundit Chris Kamara

“OUT of every club in Europe, the team with more internationals than any other is… Tottenham Hotspur. Spurs could ﬁeld two teams of active internationals - they have 23 on their books. “The stat was revealed in a report by the Swiss-based Professional Football Players Observatory (PFPO) this week which surveyed more than 13,000 players at 534 clubs across 36 leagues. “The report also showed that the shortest team in Europe, in terms of average height, is Barcelona. Unbelievable Jeff!”

npower Championship Barnsley v Swansea City C.Palace v Bristol City Cardiff City v Watford Derby v Nottm Forest Ipswich v Doncaster Leicester v Millwall Middlesbrough v Preston NE Portsmouth v Leeds Utd Reading v Hull City Scunthorpe v Burnley Sheff Utd v Norwich npower League 1 Bournemouth v Brighton Bristol Rovers v Swindon Charlton v Plymouth Dag & Red v MK Dons Exeter City v Walsall Huddersfield v Colchester Leyton Orient v Sheff Weds Notts County v Carlisle Utd Oldham v Brentford Peterborough v Hartlepool Tranmere v Southampton Yeovil v Rochdale npower League 2 Accrington v Hereford Aldershot v Crewe Bradford v Burton Albion Macclesfield v Barnet Northampton v Oxford United Port Vale v Cheltenham Shrewsbury v Chesterfield Stevenage v Morecambe Stockport v Lincoln City Torquay v Gillingham Wycombe v Rotherham Clydesdale Scottish Premier Celtic v Aberdeen Hearts v Rangers Inverness CT v Hamilton Acd’ Kilmarnock v Dundee Utd Motherwell v Hibernian St Johnstone v St Mirren

More pencil-moustached punditry and footballing facts next week folks!

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FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

DUDE WHERE’S MY CAR? WHILE most of us mere mortals lose things like mobile phones or house keys, the hide and seek game that has Jermaine Pennant regularly looking behind the back of the sofa just before work is ‘where the fuck is my Porsche?’. The Stoke star apparently left his car – with the personalised reg “P33NNT” – at a Spanish train station for ﬁve months. Forgetful Jermaine even left the keys on the driver’s seat. When Spanish police eventually tracked him down, Pennant apparently told them he couldn’t remember owning it. As you do.

MAN United’s legendary Kung Fu master Eric Cantona has been appointed director of soccer by the reborn New York Cosmos. The Cosmos are set to return to big-time football in 2013, with US star Cobi Jones working alongside Cantona as associate sporting director.

BLACKBURN Rovers have conﬁrmed their relegation to the Championship some time in the next two seasons after signing up Steve Kean as manager until 2013. “I am delighted to commit my future to Rovers at the start of what I see as a massively exciting new era for the club,” said Kean, rubbing his hands in anticipation of the mouthwatering compensation package he will receive sometime before Christmas following an inevitably disastrous start to next season.

SUFFERING from a particularly severe bout of “goalrush madness” Samir Nasri says Arsenal can win all four major trophies this

season. “We want to win every game and every competition, so the FA Cup is really important to us,” he said after the club’s 3-1 win over Leeds.

JILTED by Steven Pienaar, Everton have run to the arms of Victor Anichebe and Seamus Coleman for comfort after handing the pair 4½-year deals.

EYESORE-KITTED Crystal Palace have conveniently forgotten the fact they have fuck all money and unveiled ambitious plans to leave Selhurst Park. Palace intend to provide a 40,000seater stadium on the site of their original home at Crystal Palace Park. The facility will also include a new indoor aquatic centre, a reconﬁgured indoor sports complex, a new community athletics facility and two giant 40ft “Wrighty and Brighty” robots who greet fans as they arrive at the stadium.

SCOTCH arsehole Kenny Miller appears to have swapped one piss-poor league for another after agreeing to a move from Rangers to Turkish champions Bursaspor. Miller has agreed a two-and-a-half year deal.

ELEPHANT man Steve Bruce has trumpeted his anger at Aston Villa counterpart Gerard Houllier following the sale of Darren Bent. Despite getting a stupid amount of cashola for Bent, cauliﬂower faced Bruce wasn’t happy. “I would have liked even a phone call from Mr Houllier, for whom I did have the utmost respect for what he’s done,” he said. “I would have thought that, out

of respect, maybe he would have picked up the telephone to say, ‘We are interested in buying your striker’.”

MIDDLESBROUGH’S transformation from Premier League spenders to Championship mainstays is complete after selling one of their best players to Bolton. David Wheater, 23, has moved to the Reebok for an undisclosed fee, believed to be around £2.3million.

THINGS just wouldn’t be right at Arsenal if there wasn’t some sort of feud going, so thank God Denilson has stepped in with a ill-advised dig at Gunners skipper Cesc Fabregas. “Fabregas is the captain but he is not a leader,” said Denilson. And get used to the word “leader” because you’ll be seeing it again. “It’s a personality thing and a leader can be young. We are lacking leadership and we need leadership to go forward. There isn’t a leader. I don’t see one player as a leader.” Leader. Got it…

BUT wait a minute, what’s this? The Gunners fearless leader has hit back. No doubt Fabregas will have made some rousing speech on the steps of the Emirates, just like Mark Antony in Julius Caesar, to assert his authority. Or maybe he’ll just tweet it. They’ll both have the same authority. “Abt what Deni said,” wrote Fabregas. “I’ve been in his situation before, just a misunderstanding. Now lets win tonite!” And to thrust home the point, Cesc has supplied a nice picture of him and Denilson on the train. We’d still watch out for the Ides of March though, Cesc.

REST OF THE FIXTURES Sunday 23rd January Barclays Premier League Blackburn v West Brom npower Championship QPR v Coventry Monday 24th January Barclays Premier League Bolton v Chelsea Tuesday 25th January Carling Cup Semi Final 2nd Leg Arsenal (0) v (1) Ipswich Barclays Premier League Blackpool v Man Utd Wigan Athletic v Aston Villa Scottish FA Cup 4th Rnd (Rep) Airdrie Utd v Morton Stranraer v Stenhousemuir npower Championship Doncaster v Barnsley Nottm Forest v Bristol City Portsmouth v Burnley npower League 1 Brighton v Colchester Hartlepool v Notts County Leyton Orient v MK Dons Sheff Weds v Yeovil Swindon v Tranmere Walsall v Oldham npower League 2 Cheltenham v Lincoln City Crewe v Bradford Gillingham v Chesterfield Hereford v Morecambe Oxford United v Shrewsbury Port Vale v Barnet Southend v Macclesfield Stevenage v Rotherham Wednesday 26th January Carling Cup Semi Final 2nd Leg Birmingham (1) v (2)West Ham Barclays Premier League Liverpool v Fulham Clydesdale Scottish Premier Celtic v Hearts Hibernian v Rangers Inverness CT v Aberdeen St Johnstone v Motherwell St Mirren v Dundee Utd Friday 28th January npower Championship Millwall v Barnsley npower League 1 Colchester v Peterborough npower League 2 Bury v Shrewsbury

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FOOTBALL

FEATURE

PIRATES OF THE WEST MIDLANDS THE CURSE OF THE CLARET AND BLUE PEARL GYAR! Shiver me main brace and splice me timbers, hold on to your dubloons fair readers for tis time Cap’n BBM told you a tale of ghostly revenge, of vast piles of gold and of damned Villains gone mad. A tale we call – the Curse of the Claret and Blue Pearl… Gyar! Legend tells of a team in the Premier League that time forgot, a phantom team everyone outside the West Midlands struggles to recall when asked to name all 20 Premier League clubs, a team run by a mad pirate king called Gerard Houllier who’s time in charge has been so inconsequential and unnoteworthy that the club’s very existence is doubted by the so called scholars at the FA who need solid proof before they’ll believe in something so ephemeral. But that all changed a couple of weeks ago me old buccaneers. Like that bit at the start of the ﬁrst Pirates of the Caribbean movie, it suddenly all got a bit foggy around the relegation zone, the issue of who was going down becoming cloudier with every Wolves

and West Ham win, Johnny Depp started doing a Brummie accent claiming his new character was based on Jasper Carrott. Then, emerging from the ghostly mist into the clear waters of the bottom three, a longforgotten vessel with claret and blue sails started a hootin’ and a hollerin’ towards the Championship. Aston Villa had returned from their long stint of being totally unnoticeable – and they’d gone stark, staring bonkers in the meantime! Gyar!

on-average-English-players stakes after spending £24million to sign Darren Bent. Gyar! “We are absolutely delighted to have Darren here and we know he will be a tremendous asset for the months and the years ahead,” said an eye-patched Houllier’s pet parrot. “His arrival sends out a clear message about our ambition. We’ve brought him down here to spearhead our efforts and to help build something strong and lasting at our club.”

And is if to underline how much Villa’s absence from national headlines has driven them insane, they’ve somehow managed to top Man City in the blowinghuge-amounts of-money-

Houllier then exited the press conference by using a chandelier to swing out of a window while vowing to ‘cut the gizzard’ of any man who dared to follow him. Gyar!

TOP FIVE AVERAGE ENGLISH PLAYERS BOUGHT FOR RIDICULOUS SUMS OF MONEY…

MICHAEL OWEN (£16M) REAL MADRID TO NEWCASTLE When he’s fit, Owen is one of the most prolific and devastating strikers in England. Unfortunately he’s never fit. Someone should have told Newcastle this in 2005 before managerial tard Greame Souness splashed out £16m on him from Real Madrid.

ANDY JOHNSON (£10.5M)

JOLEON LESCOTT (£22M) EVERTON TO MAN CITY Having scoured the world for a top class centre-half in 2008, Man City decided to expand their search to other planets and eventually came across half-human, half-Klingon waste of cash Joleon. He’s made 10 league appearances for City this season. Will inevitably move to Tottemham for £4 million in a couple of years.

EVERTON TO FULHAM Everton and Fulham both forked out large sums on the baldy poacher, who’s main attribute is an ability to win penalties. Fulham’s is the worse crime though. He’d scored just 17 goals in 61 games for Everton when Fulham decided to give the Goodison club their money back – with interest. Has since scored just seven Premier League goals from 39 games.

JAMES MILNER (£26M) ASTON VILLA TO MAN CITY

DAVID BENTLEY (£15M)

BLACKBURN TO TOTTENHAM

The thing with Bentley is, he’s actually a pretty good player. When he feels like it. The problem is he hasn’t felt like it for about three years now. Should do alright at Birmingham now he’s an above average ﬁsh in a slightly smaller pond again.

Is he a good player? Yes. Is he a £26m player? Absolutely no fucking way. Bought by Man City at the height of their cash-ﬂuttering frivolity last August, he will invariably become a bit-part player next season when City are competing in the Champions League and can attract better players to the club.

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SPORT GUIDE

Contents PAGE 72 Football Top Five: Overpriced English players PAGE 70 Football News: Dude whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s my car? PAGE 68 Early Kick-off Preview: Wolves v Liverpool

PAGE 66 Football View: With Lorna Evio & Alen Delic PAGE 64 World Sport: Cricket World Cup

PAGE 62 World Sport: Hurricane money

PAGES 60 & 61 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables

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