CONTENTS ISSUE 598
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The Cover
Review
BRANDED TO THE SLUMS - 8 Katy Perry gets shacked up with Simon Cowell while Russell Brand is in business with the director of Slumdog Millionaire. Who got the bad end of the stick?
ADJUSTMENT BUREAU - 14 Watch as our Editor gushes over Emily Blunt in his review for the new Matt Damon f ick. It’s less awkward then when he gushed over Helen Mirren. Literally.
Regulars
Interview
Sport
AUDIO BLACKMAIL - 10 BBM has a chat to the up-andcoming electro band about their increasing fanbase, retro inf uences and belly dancing. No, seriously.
NRL 2011 PREVIEW - 82 Enjoy Adam Santarossa’s f nal column for BBM, previewing every NRL team’s chances, before he got f red for placing the Editor’s team last.
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GOSSIP INTERVIEWS WRAP REVIEWS SOAPS UK NEWS IRISH NEWS WORLD NEWS SYDNEY MELBOURNE PERTH RECRUITMENT CLASSIFIEDS HOSTEL LISTINGS CRYSTAL BALLS ASK CRYSTAL JOKES SCOREBOARD SPORT
BBM
I’M NOT BI-POLAR. I’M BI-WINNING.
MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon
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john.mcmahon@what-media.com
EDITOR Ben Harlum
CHARLIE SHEEN
ben.harlum@what-media.com
SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby
richard.gadsby@what-media.com
ONLINE EDITOR Hannah Shakir
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hannah.shakir@what-media.com
HEAD OF PARTY PLANNING COMMITTEE Charlie Sheen CONTRIBUTORS Jeremy Williams David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Alexandra McIntyre, Ashley Moore, David Drummond, Sian Gammie, Alen Delic, Adam Santarossa and James Stapleton. INTERNS Sabina Campbell, Jaymes Peckham, Holger Synowzik, Allyson Taubenheim HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard
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GOSSIP LET ME BE FRANCO WITH YOU, LINDSAY... YOU’D think that Lindsay Lohan (pictured) would be sick of getting her kit off after all those visits to jail, but instead of LiLo lying lo (thankyou, we’ll be here all week), she’s reportedly getting naked with James Franco for a new book.
And if watching James Franco cut off his arm in 127 Hours wasn’t grizzly enough, he’ll be joining Lindsay for a “graphic” photoshoot featuring “full frontal nudity”. So, if BBM can get philosophical for a second, Lindsay’s message to young women is essentially as follows: when everything goes tits up, and a failed attempt at playing a prostitute is also lost, sod getting your tits out, go for the full Monty and then maybe you’ll have enough cash to buy yourself some friends for a couple of months. That’s our Firecrotch!
And here we thought it was Lady Gaga trying to rip off Madonna... Everybody’s favourite trainwreck (sorry Charlie Sheen), who has just completed a court-ordered stint in rehab and is awaiting trial over allegedly stealing a $2,500 necklace, is still struggling to f nd work and has been lured into this opportunity due to the $3.3 million pricetag.
CHARLIE SHEEN: BITCHIN’ ROCKSTAR FROM MARS COULD it be a coincidence that porn-star enthusiast Charlie Sheen agrees to a bunch of interviews the day after his long-time publicists calls it quits? Of course not! Last week he popped in to chat to Piers Morgan, The Today Show, Good Morning America, The Associated Press, the Los Angeles School paper,
A local public access radio station as well as a daily Q&A session at the McDonalds closest to his house. BBM blew our editorial budget on hookers and porn stars so we couldn’t afford to chat to Charlie. Instead, here is our selection of quotes from the interview circuit.
“I AM ON A DRUG. IT’S CALLED CHARLIE SHEEN. IT’S NOT AVAILABLE. IF YOU TRY IT ONCE, YOU WILL DIE. YOUR FACE WILL MELT OFF AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL WEEP OVER YOUR EXPLODED BODY.” “I WAS BANGIN’ SEVEN-GRAM ROCKS AND FINISHING THEM BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I ROLL, BECAUSE I HAVE ONE SPEED, ONE GEAR. I’M ME. I’M DIFFERENT. I GOT TIGER BLOOD, MAN. DYING’S FOR FOOLS, DYING’S FOR AMATEURS.” “I’M TIRED OF PRETENDING I’M NOT A TOTAL BITCHIN’ ROCK STAR FROM MARS.” “[TWO AND A HALF MEN] IS THE DRIVEL THAT IS THIS, I DON’T KNOW, THIS PUKEFEST [TWO AND A HALF MEN] THAT EVERYBODY WORSHIPS. I’M LIKE, ‘WOW. THAT WAS ANOTHER BAD JOKE’!” “COME WEDNESDAY MORNING, THEY’RE GOING TO NAME IT ‘CHARLIE BROTHERS,’ NOT ‘WARNER BROTHERS’. THEY OWE ME A BIG APOLOGY. PUBLICLY. WHILE LICKING MY FEET.” “YOU CAN’T PROCESS ME WITH A NORMAL BRAIN.” “I’VE GOT POETRY IN MY FINGERTIPS. MOST OF THE TIME — AND THIS INCLUDES NAPS — I’M AN F-18, BRO. AND I WILL DESTROY YOU IN THE AIR. I WILL DEPLOY MY ORDINANCE TO THE GROUND.” 6
BBM f rst fell in love with Myleen ‘Bad-Ass’ Klass last year when she wielded a knife at some intruders in her back garden, but now she’s gone and got into another debacle. After a man decided to punch her car window whilst her little girl was in the back seat, the crazy ex-Hear’Say member decided to post his license plate number on Twitter. She said, “I’d like to thank you for punching my car window with my daughter the sitting in the back. Big man. If I was a 6ft man, he would never have gotten out of the car so I’ll name and shame him myself.” Well, what can we say? The fool should’ve known not to mess with a pregnant woman as mental as Myleen Klass - who can fondle BBM’s lottery balls any day.
WHILE the fancy pants stars of Hollywood tried their hardest to present themselves as completely different to you commoners, Cameron Diaz has different plans. In an interview with Jimmy Kimmel, the miscast star of The Green Hornet has revealed that she loves watching porn in hotel rooms overseas. “I love porn! And you know what I love about hotels? How discreet they are. I love that. They always give you that little thing at the bottom, ‘Your room will be charged the same as any other room, no titles will be used’,” she said. Of course, she decides to say this after she gets dangerously close to 40 - and her appeal has surely worn off, unlike that saucy old minx Helen Mirren. BBM would still tap that, for the record.
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GOSSIP JUST like BBM, Snoop Dogg is frightened of fucking Lady Gaga. Although, our fears were quashed a little when we found out she didn’t have a cock. Snoop Dogg (pictured) doesn’t seem to mind this so much. He’s frightened of more realistic concerns. You know, like the possibility of her keeping weapons up her twat.
Right. Mr Corn-Rows went on to say he thinks Gaga is “weird as fuck” but he still likes her music. Even if she does have a knife rammed up there BBM would still rather fuck her than listen to Poker Face.
“Who knows,” Snoop said, “she might have a snake or a knife in her pussy if you try to get
Damn! That shit whack. Or whatever Snoop might say.
POOR little Justin Bieber. Between the thousands of teenage girls throwing themselves at him, his pack of celebrity besties and his multimillion dollar empire it must be so hard.
I’m sure he was shocked, I mean, all he did was take his entire entourage to escort him and his girlfriend to some fancy LA restaurant for his 17th birthday. Sure Biebs, no one will notice.
“No one has change for my hundred-dollar bills and my diamond shoes are too tight. Wah.”
Anyway, turns out the little prick is still as good as gold after he tweeted a sincere apology following this non-incident. “It’s not always easy,” he had his publicist tweet, “and I know better than to react in anger.”
It’s no wonder he f nally snapped and f ipped the bird to some paparazzi this week. He might just be growing up. BBM is hoping his drug habit, bastard child and atheist manifesto are just around the corner.
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some from her.”
Excuse us while we swallow back the vomit.
HUNGDOG MILLIONAIRE IN A desperate attempt to improve his standing with the public after directing the stain on the underwear of f lm, Slumdog Millionaire, Danny Boyle has teamed up with Russell Brand for a football f lm. Apparently Brand is a big fan of Boyle (obviously didn’t see Slumdog) and vice versa (Boyle obviously didn’t see St. Trinians), and they had a chat at the Vanity Fair Academy Awards party last week, agreeing that they would love to work together on a sports-based project. Boyle’s latest f lm was, of course, 127 Hours. It told the tale of Aron Ralston, who cut his arm off to prevent the horror and pain of having to sit through Slumdog Millionare. True story.
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INTERVIEW : h e l ip ttr he chaperone , best known as Triple H is, of course champion with ld wor me a thirteen-ti eos in Blade: the WWE. But after cam Night Live, he’s Trinity and Saturday leading role in The stepping into his f rst DVD and BluChaperone, which hits BEN HARLUM ’s BBM 9. Ray on March to interview ‘The stepped into the ring ase. Game’ about the rele f lm something Is branching out into do, or did you you always wanted to launched its f lm fall into it when WWE division? ething I looked It wasn’t necessarily som ted to do. But I’m at at and said that I wan career now so I’m a different point in my entertain more ready to branch out and s than just inside people in different way the ring. in showThey say the f rst rule k with children, business is not to wor r f rst leading but here you are in you und full of children. role driving a bus aro nce like there? What was your experie They say not Well, here’s the thing. if they’re not to work with children kily, I worked with experienced actors. Luc
up of kids around probably the best gro professional, today. They were all so from Modern Family especially Ariel Winter the very f rst – she was amazing from audition onwards. E has ranged Your career in the WW c DX to the from the very comedi asin’, I’m sure serious ‘Celebral Ass t of a live crowd that experience in fron f lm… prepared you for the in the ring and Oh yeah. What we do theatre. It’s no on television is really just ay or being a different to doing Broadw ing in front of that stage actor – perform WWE is a great live crowd. I think the about entertainment training ground for just n you’re working because you do it all whe in the company. – you star Finally, I have to ask ith, the voice of alongside Yeardley Sm tell me you asked Lisa Simpson. Please her to do the voice. my three-year Oh I did! I got her to call My daughter was old daughter as Lisa. her dad managed absolutely amazed how call her on the to get Lisa Simpson to phone. It was great.
INTERVIEW
Audio Blackmail are a Sydney-based duo with a unique sound - primarily pop with rock & electro inf uences. BBM’s SABINA CAMPBELL caught up with singer Emily Pike to discuss the band’s journey so far.
So how did you two meet? We met through Craig’s best friend and my little sister – they were studying at NIDA together. I knew Craig left his previous band so I approached him about starting one. Musically, who has been a major inf uence to you? We’re both pretty obsessed with music so we listen to a wide range of artists. As far as most recent favourites we really like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Ting Tings and Miami Horror. Retro inf uences are Faith No More and No Doubt. As a band, how do you go about the music process when creating new material? We generally work independently which is a bit odd to some but generally Craig comes up with the music – he lays down the guitars, bass, keys & drums, then I listen to the song and try to come up with a melody and lyrics. How do you stay ahead of the curve, with other bands out there that are also following the Electro trend? We’re still quite new in what we’re doing so at this stage it’s a matter of trial and error. We try to keep it simple and not over-analyse our music. Also, to us it’s not just about writing music but about putting on a good live show and making sure that our audience is having a good time. Word on the street is that you can belly dance? Will this be making an appearance in some of your shows? You’ll have to come along to our next show to f nd out!
AUDIO BLACKMAIL
To check out more from Audio Blackmail, visit audioblackmail.com
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THE WRAP
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NOT QUITE CABARET WHEN Deborah Bradshaw started Not Quite Cabaret she had one thing in mind – happy audiences. “After attending lots of theatre nights I realised that most of the companies had ignored the most important thing, the showgoer. We all love to be entertained, especially at the end of a hard week’s work,” she said. So Not Quite Cabaret was born, an entertaining night of comedic short plays accompanied by delicious food. Dinner theatre is becoming increasingly popular in Sydney, where theatre-goers are looking for something a little different. Not Quite Cabaret offers an enjoyable alternative to the normal theatre experience; rather than being forced to rush through a meal, then sit through a lengthy play, audiences can enjoy six ten-minute plays, with two intervals.
FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.
Food can be ordered at any time so there’s plenty of time to drink, chat and relax. The Not Quite Cabaret shows are at the Paddington Arms in Oxford Street, which Deborah feels is the perfect venue, stating that “It’s an intimate space with a lovely ambience, tasty food at a reasonable price and a delicious wine list.”
WEEKEND WEEKS IN TOTAL BOX EARNINGS RELEASE OFFICE
FILM
In terms of the show, it’s a perfect snapshot of contemporary Australian comedy theatre, featuring a showcase of Australian talent including actors Daniel Nemes, Gary Boulter, Greg Eccelston, Belinda Crawley, Bruno Xavier and Deborah herself. This is the third outing for Not Quite Cabaret, with the last show receiving rave reviews. “Our customers have been thrilled. They love the feel of the night and that the evening is all about them. The entire night is choreographed so that they have an enjoyable evening with decent interval times to get drinks and have a chat, with delicious food served to their table while they watch.”
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I AM NUMBER FOUR
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GNOMEO & JULIET
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THE KING’S SPEECH
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GNOMEO & JULIET
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PAUL
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I AM NUMBER FOUR £1.6 HALL PASS
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GNOMEO & JULIET
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UNKNOWN
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A U S T R A L I A
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BORN THIS WAY
LADY GAGA
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BLACK EYED PEAS
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Not Quite Cabaret Every Friday between March 11 and April 15 at the Paddington Arms Hotel. Tickets are $20 per person.
ADELE
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SOMEONE LIKE YOU
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So if you’re looking for a fabulously entertaining night out that won’t break the bank, check out Not Quite Cabaret; contemporary comedy theatre with delicious food in a relaxed atmosphere. But book quickly. The last show was so popular they were turning away customers.
LAST WEEK
LADY GAGA
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BRUNO MARS
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BORN THIS WAY FUCK YOU GRENADE
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ON BBMLIVE.COM THIS WEEK PLAYGROUND WEEKENDER 2011 “A good crowd this year, once again the UK ex-pats were out in force and in their element, making this a far from average festival experience and one I’ll continue to attend, although with more thought put in to the journey there next year.”
COMPETITIONS AFTER rocking tens of thousands of screaming fans at Melbourne’s Etihad stadium on New Years Eve, the planet’s reigning #1 DJ and international Trance superstar, Armin Van Buuren, is on his way back to Australian shores for another exclusive, one-night only affair that’s simply not to be missed. BBM has two double passes to the Sydney show to give away.
TAPPING into the Queensland housing boom and the quirky culture of small town Australia, Subdivision follows the story of the Kelly Family, a family deeply entrenched in the community of Hervey Bay and property development for their livelihood. BBM has f ve copies of the f lm on DVD to give away, thanks to our friends at Disney.
BBM has UFC fever and there’s only one cure - more cowbell. Wait, that’s not right. The cure is the brand new UFC Collector’s Edition: Volume 13 DVD pack.
IN the f nal installment of the Millennium Trilogy, Lisbeth is recovering in a hospital and awaiting trial for three murders when she is released.
Featuring UFC 98, 99, 100, 101 and 102, this pack includes f ghts from Brock Lesnar, Randy Couture and Anderson Silva.
Mikael must prove her innocence, but Lisbeth must be willing to share the details of her sordid experiences with the court.
BBM has f ve copies to give away - go online to enter!
BBM has a bunch of tickets to give away, thanks to Rialto.
TO ENTER ANY OF THESE COMPS, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/COMPETITIONS.HTML 12
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REVIEWS ADJUSTMENT BUREAU DIRECTORRELEASED
CAST
Matt Damon Emily Blunt
George Nolf
(Directing Debut)
FIRST things f rst, this isn’t a Bourne f lm with a different title. The Adjustment Bureau is set in a world where everything happens for a reason, and there’s an adjustment bureau who, well, adjust things to f t with the mysterious ‘plan’. The f lm works if you go with the concept, even moreso if you appreciate the bad guys outf ts that are straight out of the 1960’s. Nice hats, guys. Of course there’s a romance, and it helps that Emily Blunt is so gosh darn likable, and has great chemistry with Matt Damon. They seem like a real couple and their
RATING
Now
In Cinemas (M)
interactions (notably the f rst two meetings) are actually well-written and quite funny. There’s a really neat trick involving doors that make the f nal third of the f lm more exciting and creative than your usual ‘big chase scene’. It’s really well done and the effects seamlessly f t in - it doesn’t feel fake, which is a plus. Slower paced than a Bourne outing, The Adjustment Bureau is enjoyable due to it’s intruiging story and because Emily Blunt is that damn good - admit it, you’d pay to see her read the phonebook too. Ben Harlum
PJ HARVEYBOB GELDOF RELEASED
ALBUM
Let England Shake
RATING
In Stores & Digitally
THE prolif c Polly-Jean Harvey returns to your stereo with Let England Shake.
Musically, Harvey has always been very good at bending different genres to her will, while retaining the signature sound that comes from her distinctive voice. There is no doubt that you are listening to PJ Harvey in this newest offering.
It’s a grower of an album, the f rst listen doesn’t really leave Her latest offering is a collection you feeling you’ve listened to a of songs which bring to mind a special piece of work - but there triumphant, more care-free era of is def nitely a lingering feeling that England. Each song has something it’s really something you need to quintessentially English about listen to again. Each song links well it, whether it’s the uplifting That with the next, and it’s def nitely a Glorious Land or the rather more body of work that demands to be obvious England. listened to in order. Robin Lewis
DIRECTORRELEASED
Ben Aff eck Ben Aff eck March 9 Jon Hamm (C’Mon, It’s Ben Aff eck) DVD & BR (MA15+)
In Stores & Digitally
His rather egotistical titled f fth studio album is actually a lot better than the title does it justice. MORRISEY once proclaimed that “Bob Geldof is a nauseating character,” a statement which rang true in the hearts of the many who had fallen in love with the I Don’t Like Mondays singer only to be turned off by his do-gooder approach and annoying celebrity offspring.
Aff eck has found his calling as a director, creating this really raw,
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The tender Blow and Parisian To Love In Love are without doubt highlights along the way, with only the try-hard Blowf sh and off beat Here’s To You provoking a skip track moment.
Whether you like or loathe the man now better known as Peaches’ dad, it is hard to deny that he knows how to write a song or two. But at the heart, Geldof is still the creative Dún Laoghaire musician he Jeremy Williams
OFWGKTA RATING
SINGLE
Sandwiches
gritty side of Boston that’s riddled with crime. And don’t worry, there’s a love story to please the ladies.
BEN Aff eck continues his campaign for us to forget Gigli with this really entertaining thriller which is packed with some top-notch performances.
RATING
Now
always was.
THE TOWN CAST
RELEASED
ALBUM
How To Compose Popular Songs That Will Sell
Now
The main downside is the mumbler herself, Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively. Can somebody please f nd a vocal coach so we can understand her? Using the well-written script to spend equal time on the characters as the big robbery sequences, The Town rises to the top of the pile of heist thrillers. BH
THE LA hip hop collective known as Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All are taking over hip hop with their hard-hitting lyrics which, in a sea of sugary pop, stands out from the rest and reminds all hip hop fans just why they fell in love with the genre in the f rst place.
RELEASED
RATING
Now
Digitally
New single Sandwiches delivers a hard and sinister riff, which instantly transports you back to the early days of the lyrical ramblings of Mos Def, and Wu-Tang’s backings that literally screamed hardcore gangster rapper. Don’t ignore these guys; they are a refreshing addition to real hip hop. Aged from 17 to 24, they make for some interesting tracks. Hannah Shakir
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MASSIVE ATTACK’S LEGENDARY VOCALIST
& DUB
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SOAPS CORONATION ST. save her son from making a terrible mistake. Elsewhere Maria meets Frank to persuade him to sign a contract but is left shaken. Later he apologises to her saying that he read the signals wrongly. BECKY f nally admits that she Tina and Graeme come up stole from the Alahans and with ways to keep her friend Gail is in for a shock when Xin in the country. David returns and announces that he’s in love and the wedding is three weeks away. Meanwhile, over at The Rovers Tracy taunts Becky but will she Knowing that Kylie is trouble, push her over the edge? what lengths will Gail go to,
EastEnders IT IS clear that Zainab is going to do anything she can to end Tamwar and Af a’s engagement, but will the star crossed lovers fall victim to her attempts? Meanwhile Glenda announces that she has nowhere to live and has to move in with Ronnie. When her daughter doesn’t put up much of a f ght she becomes suspicious, but will she f nally f nd out about Ronnie swapping baby? Ben is left devastated when it emerges that Phil and Glenda had an affair.
Also, it looks like Kat and Alf e are in for a change when Kat’s old friend Martina turns up with daughter Shenice, who is played by Lacey Turner’s younger sister (formerly Stacey Slater), so this week is is def nitely one to watch!
Relishing his new position, Bob summons Dean to the Hungry Pig. Could it be a job offer? Spoiler: No. Dean gets Bob, but it turns into a publicity stunt. Meanwhile, Carol is in a panic over Christy’s imminent return. Ali offers to take over the wedding preparations to relieve Carol of her stress, but is shocked when Carol tells him about her other man. TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP
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HOLLYOAKS + Brendan’s threats and decides to stand up for herself, but when she reluctantly helps Doug to sell some drugs, she winds up getting arrested. Clearly Brendan has set her up.
DRAMA emerges in the Costello household as Seth collapses after taking some dodgy steroids from ex-con Gaz who is having an affair with Heidi. Not wanting to go back to jail, Gaz decides to keep quiet but will Seth live to tell the truth? Elsewhere Rae is fed up with 16
Emmerdale THIS WEEK Nicola waits for news on Jimmy’s whereabouts, and is relieved when they f nally f nd him, however it looks like they will be in for a rough ride.
Meanwhile Brendan is becoming increasingly jealous of Pete and Ste’s friendship, and Mitzeee is convinced that Pete is gay, but will the truth about Pete being Brendan’s ex-lover be exposed?
Meanwhile things are tense between Cain and Charity, and she is shocked to wake up to him looming over her bed. His jealousy is further driven when Charity makes a play for Jai, so Cain wastes no time in revealing Charity’s seedy past to him.
Also Sinead decides to throw a house party whilst her stepmother Diane is away, but will all go to plan?
Elsewhere Aaron is struggling with his feelings and Jackson f nally admits to his homophobic father Jerry, that
he and Aaron have split up. But in deciding to declare his love for Jackson the pair f nally re-unite. Also Debbie is shocked this week when her ex-lover from Jersey, Cameron ,shows up saying that he has left his family for her, but how will she handle the news? BBM-598 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM
UK NEWS WOMAN KERMITS ADULTERY USUALLY stories about assorted animals working together to help a beautiful young girl f nd love are made by Disney and feature a memorable song or two. But despite ticking all the above boxes, we doubt Disney will be interested in animating this week’s reallife tale of a gerbil, a frog and a donkey who all worked together to help a woman orgasm while a kinky judge wanked himself off.
having sex with a gerbil and a frog. No, we can’t quite work out how they weren’t squashed either. Also among the 230 photos and 150 videos were images of women engaging in sex acts with horses, a donkey, dogs, and a live snake. Acting on a tip off, police raided the home of 46-yearold magistrate Michael Hall who found a collection of extreme pornography — including images of women
Hall was sentenced to a three-year community order which requires 144 days completing a programme for sex offenders.
SICK IDEA SICK of the royal wedding already? BBM certainly is. So hats off to graphic artist Lydia Leith who has produced a souvenir sick bag just for the big occasion.
What started out as a few bags being sent to magazines ended up as a popular viral.
The touching tribute comes in the British colours of postbox red or royal blue and bears a picture of the happy couple, topped off with a crown and the words “Throne up”.
“It started off with America, Canada and New Zealand and now there’s so many different countries. It’s gone worldwide very quickly. It’s spread like wildf re.
Beneath the outline image, the novelty items read “Sick bag” and “Keep this handy on April 29th 2011”.
“It’s gone everywhere, it’s crazy,” said Leith.
However we’re a little unwell at the thought that a restaurant in London’s Covent Garden is selling breast milk ice cream. Victoria Hiley has been donating her own body fluids to the restaurant to the tune of £15 for every 10 oz she lactates. The dessert, called Baby Gaga, is churned with donations from Victoria, served with a rusk and has an optional shot of Calpol or Bonjela. She said her boobjuice saying would encourage more adults to breastfeed if they realised how tasty it was. “Some people will hear about it and go yuck - but actually it’s pure organic, free-range and totally natural,” she added. Erm, we’d hope it was free-range and they didn’t hole you up in a barn with pumps attached to your tits.
SILLY BASS-TARD
“Some of the comments are saying I should be dragged around the streets of London but most people have understood it’s a joke.”
WE’VE all dreamed of being a rock star while at work, some of us have even turned up at the off ce wearing tight leather trousers and black and white face paint.
SOUVENIR MUG!
But we’re not here to talk about BBM’s ill-fated stint at the Samaritans, we’re talking about Graham Evans - the Conservative MP for Weaver Vale who was caught on camera in Parliament playing air guitar on a rolled up magazine while Defence Secretary Liam Fox discussed vital cuts to the army.
WHEN balding heir to the throne Prince William proposed to Kate Middleton, a nation orgasmed in unision. Britain’s collective red, white and blue jism fountained skyward, painting the heavens themselves with a spunky Union Jack of patriotic pride. But what if you really couldn’t give a toss about the wedding and were, in fact, bored shitless about the whole thing already? Well now there’s no reason why you too can’t be caught up in the tacky souvenir fever with BBM’s “I couldn’t give a shit” collector’s tea cup. Handcrafted by the most skilled Taiwanese schoolchildren that a bag of monkey nuts can buy, this amazing piece of tat can be yours for just $100!
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MILKING IT MOTHER’S milk is always the most nourishing thing for a young pup, and of course people continue to drink the udder juice of cow’s into adulthood with their tea, coffee and cornflakes.
As the debate about 11,000 soldiers losing their jobs went on, the musically-minded MP seemed more intent on beating his high score on Guitar Hero than taking part in the debate. “Tory MPs were messing about during the statement like the whole thing was some sort of joke,” said Labour’s Shadow Defence Minister Michael Dugher while playing Professor Layton on his DS Lite.
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UK NEWS A NAZI PIECE OF WORK THE spirit of Nazi warmonger Hitler has been foiled again, this time at a primary school in Croydon.
Nikki Simms, whose out-ofcontrol son Callum, f ve, was sent home for queuing up too slowly said: “He didn’t cause trouble. He’s just a little boy. That he was excluded is unbelievable.”
After rising to power to become headteacher at Oval Primary, Craig ‘Die Fuhrer’ Tunstall suspended seven pupils in just two days for crimes such as not wearing a coat and not lining up quickly enough. Another lad was sent home for refusing to eat school dinner.
Parent Sarah Ellacott said her daughter Rachael, seven, told her pupils were asked to walk with their hands behind their backs as if they were “in prison”. Tunstall is now weighing up his career options, with an invasion of Poland expected to be his next move.
Unsurprisingly, the parents were a tad concerned while teachers claimed they were living in a climate of fear. Tunstall has now been sacked.
FILTHY SEAMAN ERUPTS AN OLD sailor with a mouth like a, well, sailor has been banned from owning a television or radio because he f lls the air with expletives whenever he sees politicians on TV. Martin Soloman, 65, had the ban slapped on him as a last resort by a judge who also jailed him for 14 months after he admitted breaching an Asbo for the
election when politicians on Question Time whipped him up into foul-mouthed frenzy of abuse.
27th and 28th times. Soloman (pictured) got his f rst jail sentence shortly before the last general
“He comes home [from the pub] and watches TV at some ridiculous amplif ed volume, shouts remarks at the TV and his neighbours... and then falls asleep with the TV on. It has got to stop - he knows that,” said his solicitor.
ICE ICE BABY STORIES about dead babies don’t usually make it into BBM’s ‘funny news’ pages, but after being frozen for three days tiny newborn Ella Anderson was miraculously brought back to life in Cambridge. Ella had been dead for 25 minutes due to a lack of oxygen in the womb and although medics managed to revive her, it was thought the wee bairn would still die due to severe brain damage. She was whisked 30 miles away to Addenbrooke’s Hospital, Cambridge, and placed in a cooling blanket which protects against brain damage. Ella’s temperature promptly plummeted from 37C to 33.5C.
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Although freezing the baby is a standard procedure, we at BBM can’t help but notice a coincidence here. Ella’s doctor no doubt had been watching Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, and the doctor was probably like, “Hey guys want to try some funny shit?”, cut to three days later, “Oh shit it worked!?” Dad Jason Anderson, 33, of Peterborough, said: “When we went to see her in the hospital she was wired up to every machine and tube imaginable. I laid my hand on her head and she was ice cold to the touch.” The youngster was allowed home just 11 days later and scans have shown no abnormalities on her brain.
TANKS A LOT A BLOKE who lives in one of those middle-England villages that regularly appear on shows like Midsomer Murders and Miss Marple, is having his life made a misery by stuck-up neighbours, purely because he’s parked a big fuck-off tank in front of his house. Nicholas Kravchenko, a military fanatic, bought the four-tonne green battlefield tank for £10,000 to drive around for his own amusement and also to take to charity events. But fellow villagers in Wolvercote, near Oxford, say the camouflaged vehicle is an eyesore and ruins the look of the street. Mr Kravchenko who calls himself ‘Tank Man’ said: “I’m fed up. The council have not said it’s anti-social and the police would have been straight on to me if it was illegal.”
CHEW ON CHIMP IT APPEARS there are more dubious culinary adventures taking place in the UK, as the BBC have reported via a whistleblower that Chimpanzee meat has been on sale in the Midlands. It is thought that as much as f ve tonnes of chimp meat a week arrives in Europe, and is then sold on via markets and wholesalers. Dr Marcus Rowcliffe, research fellow at the Zoological Society of London, said that while it is no surprise that bushmeat is on sale in the UK, it is strange to see chimpanzee, as it is rare even in Africa. We’re of course accustomed to the odd bit of Kangaroo and Ostrich that pops up, but monkey burgers is just sick. It is with this information that we may put our pride aside, and eat vegetarian food in public, despite the fact that we do not condone such pansy dining.
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UK NEWS WHAT THE FOX GOING ON? IN AN Animals of Farthing Wood meets Wall Street style journey, a fox climbed up Britain’s tallest skyscraper and set up camp on the 72nd floor of the tower in central London for nearly two weeks. The high-flying fox climbed to the top of the Shard, which is more than 288 metres (945 feet) high and still under construction, wher e it enjoyed panoramic views over the Britis h capital and lived off builders’ scraps. It outfoxed its captors for almost a fortnight until February when it was finally put into a cage and brought down from the tower, which will be the tallest skyscraper in Europe when it is complete. After a medical
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DIAMONDS ARE A DOG’S BEST FRIEND OR NOT as it would appear in this case. Karen Wooley was most curious as to the whereabouts of her 100 year old diamond encrusted wedding ring after she had removed it to have a bath.
check-up, he was released back into the neighbourhood surrounding the tower, close to weasel, badger and the r est of the Farthing Wood crew. “We gave him a thorough medical, a few good meals and explained to him that if foxes were meant to be 72 stories off the ground, they would have evolved wings,” said Ted Burden, founder of the Riverside Animal Centre. What Burden failed to mention was the reason the fox was on the tower in the first place. Fucking Dora, tricking Swiper left and right, just left him to die. We always knew she was a little bitch in disguise, someone call PETA!
But then using her logic and a metal detector, she was shocked when her six-month-old puppy starting flashing and beeping as she passed the device over his tum, and sure enough it turned out the greedy little sod has expensive taste. Luckily Barney the spaniel had an operation to remove the large ring from his belly, and remained unharmed by his owner.
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IRISH NEWS HOT FOOT IT OUT OF WHEN Gerard Duggan collapsed unconscious in a drunken heap on a settee at a house in Galway after a big night out, his mischievous mate Martin McHugh decided to come up with something more original than drawing on his face or shaving off his eyebrows. So he set f re to his friend’s feet instead. Eventually roused by the stench of his own burning toes, Gerard awoke to f nd his socks sizzling away and his feet suffering serious burns. The injuries were so bad, in fact, that he had to go to hospital and was off work for 13 weeks. Prankster Martin managed to avoid jail by offering3,000 Euros as a gesture of his remorse and was given 240 hours of community service instead.
THE ROYAL THING THE wedding of Brian O’Driscoll and Amy Huberman was about as close as Ireland gets to a royal wedding, and now the pair have been invited to the real thing. But it looks like O’Driscoll might turn down the invite. A show of green patriotism to the republic cause perhaps? No actually, he’s just got a game the following day. “It’s quite the honour and a lovely surprise for us to have been even considered,” he said on his blog, adding that the invites - which were issued in the name of Queen Elizabeth II - dropped through the letterbox last weekend.
FLIGHT OF FANCY ANOTHER excuse to print our favourite story of last year with the news that 96 FM DJ Neil Prendeville will not face charges for getting his cock out and jacking off in the middle of an Aer Lingus f ight to Cork. Prendeville, who bashed the bishop while sat in the front row, later insisted that he had absolutely no recollection of the incident after consuming painkillers on top of three pints of Guinness, three bottles of lager and a copious amount of wine. That doesn’t make it any less amusing though Neil.
GLASTONBURY’S evolution from genuinely unique music festival to corporate family blandfest continues this week with the news that U2 will headline it this summer, alongside Beyonce and Coldplay. The Dublin band were supposed to headline last year but pulled out at the last minute after Bono picked up a spine injury caused by the weight of his ever-growing head. The Edge, wearing the same hat he’s worn for the last 20 years, said: “I have to s ay there is something really special and iconic about that stage. “So we’re all looking forward to coming back to pick up where I left off. And we’re so excited to get to play in front of the world’s greatest festival audience. We’ll see you there.” RENOWNED paedophile Willy Wonka is the inspiration behind a new scheme in Dublin. Sort of. The Irish-owned Butlers company has opened its new ‘Chocolate Experience’ at its headquarters at Clonshaugh near Coolock in north Dublin, so visitors can go around sampling the sweet, sweet badness while seeing how its made. “The tour guides you through the history of chocolate and documents the differences between dark, white and milk chocolate,” said chairwoman Mairead Sorensen. “People can view how we make our chocolate in the tanks and sample different types along the way.” A company spokesperson denied allegations that the move was designed to “fatten up” Dublin children so that American tourists feel more at home.
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TRB011 LiamByrne BBMFP v2.indd 1
2/02/11 12:52 PM
WORLD NEWS COLLEGE ROOMDATES WHEN BBM went to college we were stuck in a dorm with a fat nerd who jerked off in his sleep while singing Macho Man.
When asked how students were proving their sexuality one professor winked and shut his off ce door.
But all that’s about to change for one US University that is now introducing genderneutral housing.
The number of gay students has now increased dramatically, with half the football team asking to room with various cheerleaders who they claim to be their fag hags.
Gay, lesbian and transgender students at Rutgers University’s New Brunswick campus can now choose either male or female roommates under the new initiative. The move came after one student committed suicide when a video of him with another man was posted on the internet by his roommate. The campus is now also allowing regular people to nominate whether or not they would like to share a room with a complete fuckwit. It’s revolutionary!
The gay community is outraged. “Ever think that maybe we liked sharing a room with an unsuspecting jock?” cried a bunch of protesters.
THE TUBES, THE WHOLE TUBES AND NOTHING BUT THE TUBES AND now, another story coming out of the US sounding like the latest episode of South Park. No, a doctor has not performed a negroplasty. Even better, a nine week old fetus is due to stand in court as a witness. “I will now call ‘sack of cells’ to the stand!” The fetus will act as a legislative witness in Ohio on a bill that proposes outlawing abortions (shock!) any later than their little
The research involved a study of 53 subjects, all over 60 years old (pictured). So they were fairly forgetful in the f rst place one would imagine. Ten had a father who repeats himself, 11 had a forgetful mother, and 32 had no family history of the illness. Each volunteer underwent an initial MRI examination and
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Hey, we never said BBM had standards when it came to girlfriends. Don’t cry for us, Argentina. Instead, spare a thought for the American man whose ex has set up an eBay account named MyExBoyfriendsCloset, where she’s selling his old clothes. Did we mention she poses naked with each item? The woman says the seductive poses are just another way to enact revenge. BBM says the photos are just another way for us to keep ourselves busy on these cold, Autumn nights. eBay is pretty easy to navigate with one hand, it just takes a bit of practice.
squishy heartbeat can be detected. The anti-abortion group behind this clever publicity stunt, Faith2Action, claim that they are trying to show everyone that something about something and then everyone got confused. “Actually we’ve had more complaints about our group’s name being tacky and lame than anything else,” said President Janet Folger Porter as she glared in disgust at a coat hanger.
FORGET ME NOT NEW research has found that people whose mothers suffered from Alzheimer’s disease are more likely to get the disease than those whose father had the condition.
WHEN BBM was dumped by our last girlfriend, the worst she did was try to join TNT as their editor in an attempt to take us out of business. When her f rst cover was drawn on a piece of notebook paper, she was promptly f red and given detention for not attending high school for a week.
was examined again two years later. Most of them forgot to show up to their follow-up appointments so scientists say the research might not be that accurate. Anyway, it doesn’t sound right to us, BBM’s mum was diagnosed years ago and we’re yet to show any symptoms.
NINE sixth-grade boys have been expelled from an American school after off cials found out they were participating in an after-school “f ght club” to see who was the toughest. The school only found out after the local news station spoke to one of the boy’s relatives and aired a video of a f ght that was taken with a mobile phone. Will these kids (pictured) ever learn? The f rst rule of after-school f ght club is not to tell mum about after-school f ght club! Don’t think that this was some bloody, violent sport though - there were rules such as no punches to the face. “Your Mother” jokes were also prohibited. The school principal was ashamed that none of the parents alterted the school about the f ghts, and said that “the length of their expulsions will be decided on a case-by-case basis,” as he offered us DVD’s of each f ght for $5 a pop.
New research has found that people whose mothers suffered from Alzheimer’s disease are more likely to get the disease than those whose father had the condition.
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WORLD NEWS
CANCER RISK FROM SMOKING “GOING DOWN” IN yet another blow to sex workers around the world it has now been revealed that oral sex is bad for you.
University, says we’ve mostly got white men to blame as they’re responsible for most of the increase.
Boo.
Damnit! We just lost $50, our bet was riding on either hookers or lesbians. Can’t win ‘em all.
BBM’s not too worried, it’s only bad for the giver, not the taker. Phew! Research from the US this week has found that oral cancer caused by the human papilloma virus is more common than oral cancer caused by tobacco.
The list of dangerous things to put in your mouth is getting too long to remember. Cigarettes, alcohol, fatty food, chocolate ice cream, Paris Hilton. BBM is sick of hearing about it.
WHEN BBM got divorced we were surprised as we’d forgotten we married that stripper in Vegas. So we did the right thing and got a good settlement. Just enough to buy a new wife. Things were a little more complicated than that recently when a man came up with a genius plan to get back at his ex-wife for divorcing him. Instead of the usual releases like burning possessions, smashing photos or shagging the best friend he came up with something much more menacing. He sent naked photos of her to, wait for it, her son.
So here’s the good news- we can all start smoking again. Oral sex is now the leading cause of oral cancer in the US, with an increase of 225% since 1974.
The 15 year old boy was stunned when he received a text on his phone with a picture of his naked mother and the text “Here is your mom, how do you like this?”
Maura Gillison, researcher at Ohio State
Apparently the teenager came up with a number of responses before simply writing back “LOL” and setting the image as his screensaver.
THE DOMINO EFFECT
LIKE most people, BBM is scared of many things. You know, like dying. Or being trapped and therefore unable to order a pizza. The usual. It seems Jean Wilson’s nightmare came true recently when she fell in her apartment and (presumably was so fat that she) was unable to reach the phone to call Dominos, we mean the ambulance. Luckily, her pizza-a-day habit alerted Dominos delivery driver Susan Guy who, after hearing the fat slob hadn’t
ordered a pizza in three days, became alarmed. She rushed over and had police break down the door. They found Jean on the f oor under a stack of pizza boxes and reeking of cheesy garlic bread. Police say her pizza habit may have saved her life. Hmm. BBM might have suggested investing in some friends or family who may notice you’ve been missing for three days. Or going for a brisk walk in the park. Or using the pick-up coupons every so often. Delivery hero Susan was said to be distressed after f nding Jean (pictured) who barked, “There was pineapple on my supreme again, bitch,” as she licked crumbs off the f oor.
PIMPS, whores, strippers and a crucif xion. Pretty standard circus acts right? Not according to American mother Kristen Brown who was outraged recently after taking her children a circus that she claims was too “adult” for her 5 and 8 year old darlings. “There are ladies pretending to strip, men throwing money at her, then a pimp comes on the stage and the woman’s boyfriend sells her to him and the pimp slaps her when she refuses to cooperate,” Brown said. “They’re pretending to smoke marijuana and sniff cocaine.” Forget the elephant, tight-rope walker and some guy being eaten by a lion. We wanna go to this circus! The circus defended the claims, saying it added to the overall message of the circus. And anyway, they said, there was a disclaimer at the start warning parents that “some of the content may be too mature for children under 6 years old”. Good call. When BBM was 6 it was all clowns and monkeys. But come 7 and we were fucking loads of whores and watching Cirque du Solei on shrooms.
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WHAT’S ON SYDNEY
Ke$ha AT JUST 23, loud-mouthed and self-proclaimed party girl Ke$ha has come a long way since her 2009 breakthrough on Flo Rida’s number one single “Right Around”. Now considered a rockstar (debatable) in her own right Ke$ha will be tearing up the stage at the Horden Pavillion, but Tik Tok time is running out so be sure to grab your tickets soon. When: Thurs 10th March Where: Horden Pavillion Cost: $79.90 (+bf)
FOR those of you with a taste for all things pop, then Belle and Sebastian should just about hit the spot. These chirpy Glaswegians boast a quirky brand of Indie, and pop reminiscent of The Beatles. When: Wed 9th March Where: Metro Theatre Cost: $79.90
WE ARE sure that many people are wondering when they would have another chance to catch Seabellies in action, shortly after they rocked the stage at Good Vibes. Well have no fear, the Seabellies make their return to Sydney this week. When: Fri 11th March Where: Cambridge Hotel Cost: 10 (+bf)
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The Chemical Brothers BRITISH dance heavyweights, The Chemical Brothers are hitting Sydney and are set to shake up the scene down-under. Chemical Tom and Chemical Ed will be host to a packed house when they blast out all of their classics. Widely regarded as the pioneers of big beat and electro dance, the dancef oor is guaranteed to be bustling. When: Thurs 10th March Where: Sydney Entertainment Centre Cost: from $92.90
WORLD renowned Harpist, Joanna Newsom will be twiddling her f ngers in the city recital hall while she performs for hundreds of her enthusiasts and you would like to be one of them. When: Wed 9th March Where: City Recital Hall Cost: 56.50 (+bf)
IT’S the f nal installment of the Pulse Radio AGWA Yacht Club and heading up the bottom deck will be the techno duo Audiof y and Australian favourite Emerson Todd. When: Sat 19th March Where: Boarding from King Street Wharf Cost: $55
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MELBOURNE NEWS “COUCHROULETE” THE CURRENT trend for ‘Couchsurf ng’ is a phenomenon known widely in student circles over the last couple of years. Now, however, it would appear that it has f nally made it to Victoria. Wannabe rockstar Brett Cusack (not the long lost brother of John Cusack) from Melbourne jumped on the bandwagon after spending three cushty months leeching off other people’s sofas whilst he recorded an album with his band; “It was exciting to think I’d be going on holiday in my own area,” he exclaimed. “There’s pretty amazing cultural diversity in Melbourne… I got to do things I wouldn’t normally do.” However ‘Couchsurf ng’ does not always
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have such a happy ending as 24 year old backpacker, Corinna Janke discovered just before Christmas; “I had been traveling and heard about ‘Couchsurf ng’ in Melbourne, I met up with the guy beforehand just to make sure he was legitimate, it was so lucky I did, he forced me to go into a restaurant and in the end I just ran away from him… he texted me afterwards with horrible insults and when I ignored him he tried ringing me for several days. I def nitely won’t be trying ‘Couchsurf ng’ again.” So whilst the idea of ‘Couchsurf ng’ can have its benef ts (dodging rent for one), you never know who you might be lodging with - could even be the next Ted Bundy.
PIZZ-A-CAKE, THEY THOUGHT THE ONLY person who beckons the rain is granny because the Carnations are looking rather limp and when her wishes are answered the rest of us sit in misery, but this week the pizza industry has the longest face of all. A selection of the area’s most esteemed chefs lined up along the streets of Melbourne in order to create the worlds longest pizza but the weather had another plan. They intended to cook up a 1.2km margarita pizza which would have broken the current world record. “We required one-and-a-half tonnes of f our, 650 kilos of mozzarella cheese, 1,500 litres of water, 30 or 40 kilos of salt and about 15 kilos of yeast,” said event organizer Tony Pantano, suddenly realising the massive bill he now has. Sadly at 600m their plan disintegrated, literally, when the excessive rains tore a hole in the middle. Damian Cornei, another organizer, said disappointedly “The actual record is held by a town in Poland - and that didn’t sit right with us.” Well if they need help cleaning up, the BBM team can give them a spare mouth or two.
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WHAT’S ON MELBOURNE
THIS month Melbourne proudly presents the 2011 Moomba Festival! First established in 1955 Moomba is about bringing the people together. The festival will include a silent disco, trapeze action, cultural dancing, waterskiing on the Yarra River, live bands on the Mainstage at Alexandra Gardens and lastly the centre piece which
comes in the form of a vibrant parade along Swanston Street which is all f nished off by a mesmerizing f rework show at the water’s edge. Get your celebration shoes on because this is not to be missed. When: 11-14th March Where: Various Venues across Melbourne Cost: Free
OVER the last six years US Psyc-rock band MGMT have gone from strength to strength. The success of their debut album Oracular Spectacular was mimicked by their follow-up Congratulations which sold a whopping 66,000 copies in the f rst week alone. When: Tues 8th March Where: Palace Theatre Cost: $69 CREDITED as being behind some of the biggest showbiz names, Mark Ronson will be hitting Melbourne this month to showcase his latest musical project, Mark Ronson & the Business Intl - supported by Kiwi songstress, Zowie. When: Wed 9th March Where: Palace Theatre Cost: $75 HIP-HOP legends Dead Prez known universally for their monster track ‘Hip-hop’ released in 2000 are making their way to Melbourne to show you exactly what Hip-hop really is. When: Fri 11th March Where: Esplanade Hotel, St Kilda Cost: $43.25 HENRY Rollins, who was once famed for being the singer of punk rock outf t Black Flag, has now put his musical boots aside and thrown himself in to comedy. When: Monday 7th March Where: Esplanade Hotel
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WHAT’S ON PERTH
US OUTFIT, Wavves headed by Nathan Williams are riding high on the current lo-f rock wave and are set to cause a stir in the water this week at the Bleeding Knees Club.
THIS week you can be lucky enough to experience the notoriously witty brand of comedy by Simon Evans, Paddy Courtney, Brian Higgins with their show, An Englishman, An Irishman & A Scotsman.
When: Fri 11th March Where: Bakery Artrage Complex, Northbridge Cost: $42
When: Sat 12th March Where: Regal Theatre, Subiaco
DANISH born artist, Jesper Just explores the human condition through the marveling medium of 16mm f lm. Something to Love touches on a wide range of issues from gender to racial politics but Just himself is no newcomer to the art scene, he already has work displayed at the prestigious Tate Modern in London. When: 11th Feb – 8th April Where: Bankwest Theatre, John Curtin Gallery
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SOUTH AUSTRALIA KAREN ALLEN
Karen Allen f rst appeared alongside Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark back in 1981, and again in 2008 for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
She’s in Australia for the Armageddon Expo, which hits Adelaide this weekend at the Adelaide Showgrounds. BBM’S BEN HARLUM caught up with Karen in Sydney before she made the trip to SA. Is this your f rst time in Australia? No, I’ve actually done a f lm here (Sweet Talker) with Bryan Brown about 20 years ago. This is my fourth time back, but it’s my f rst convention here. Is there a particular question or comment that the fans always ask? They all want to know what it was like to work with Harrison, and all about f lming Indiana Jones. How did you end up getting the part of Marion for the f rst f lm? Steven Speilberg was friends with John Landis, who directed Animal House, so he was just interested in meeting me while he was getting ready to cast Raiders. He f ew me to Los Angeles and I did a screen test with these actors, but they had
no Indiana Jones cast. They hired me as Marion anyway but they still had no leading man – Tom Selleck was originally cast until Magnum PI was picked up – f nally they realized that they wanted Harrison Ford for the part, regardless of whether he had done Star Wars with George or not.
Do you get recognised for Animal House? Oh yes, absolutely! It actually amazes me that I do because it was f lmed back in 1978 yet I still get recognized. People always stop me in the street and yell “Katy!” – it’s crazy. Do you have any inside word about the next Indiana Jones f lm? Your guess is as good as mine – as far as I know there’s one in the works. They’re currently trying to write the script, there’s an idea that they all really like – but Harrison, George and Steven all have to approve. It has to be f nished and approved but I hope it does happen. I’d love to be a part of it. Karen and friends hit Armageddon on March 5 and 6 at the Adelaide Showgrounds. For more information, visit armageddonexpo.com – tickets are available from Ticketek and on the door. For the full interview with Karen, visit bbmlive.com
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SOUTH AUSTRALIA
EYRE PENINSULA BY JEREMY WILLIAMS
I AM not the best morning person, so a 5.30am start to catch a f ight from Adelaide to Port Lincoln was no easy feat. I presumed I must have nodded off unwittingly when all of half an hour after take off the plane landed in what could be mistaken for a f eld with a few small planes. But, no, my book had kept me awake for the duration of this short but sweet f ight and the small, hassle-free airport would prove the perfect introduction to the place many locals refer to as “the real Australia.” The promising premise to see a place unaffected by the global pace of life is, on paper, pretty substantial but to f nd the reality better than the ideal is mind blowing.
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I am met at the airport by Jo Haslam, one half the team that heads up Nullarbor Traveller. Just a brief glance on the internet is proof enough that Jo and her hubby / business partner Hassie (Craig) are passionate about their surroundings. However, before we head off for a night at Coodlie Park Farm, a YHA hostel they run in Port Kenny, it is decided that we will spend the day in the world renowned f shing town of Port Lincoln. Located in Boston Bay, at the southern end of the Eyre Peninsula, Port Lincoln has a growing population who thrive on the area’s natural resources and
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the pull that they have on tourists seeking luxury in a secluded spot. Though just a short drive from the miniscule airport, we take the long road to drop by at Coff n Bay. With the area rich in minerals that help oysters develop to perfection, it is little surprise to hear that every man and his dog is trying their hand at the trade. With only three large corporate oyster farms in the bays, it is pleasing to hear that there is still room for the upstart to get a leg in. It is at Coff n Bay that I am introduced to Darian, who runs the Coff n Bay Explorer with his wife Susan. The three-hour boat tour takes you out to his own oyster farm. The tour takes in various points of interest along the way, all highlighted by Darian in a genuinely enthused manner. If one thing is becoming clear, it is the sheer honest passion with which everyone approaches their work. En route we cross a few dolphins, but rather than lose track, Darian promises that we will return to f nd more later. I am not sure what I was expecting from an oyster farm, though there was clearly some picture in my mind as what I found didn’t quite match. From a distance, the wooden stumps are picture perfect, arousing curiosity amongst all the passengers upon approach. It soon becomes clear that even a small farm is nearly as large as CONTINUED ON PAGE 42
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SOUTH AUSTRALIA the aforementioned airport. Beaming with pride, Darian explains the growing process and passes around tasters. Tempting as he makes them sound, I remain vegetarian and say no. As the oyster farms drift into the distance, a buzz f lls the boat and we realise this means only one thing. Dolphins. I am not sure why seeing dolphins close-up proves such a thrill, but as a pack of f ve come close to the boat, I am so snap happy that I barely see them in reality. Having worked up an appetite, Jo promises me a treat as we head to the award winning Del Giorno. I had been worried that treading off the beaten track might cause dietary issues, but all worries were instantly put aside as my more than scrummy stuffed pepper is devoured in a matter of minutes. Those early morning issues were now clearly fully resolved.
Awake and exhilarated, we make our way to Adventure Bay Charters in the Port Lincoln Marina to meet with Matt Waller to partake in the unusual activity of tuna swimming. I must admit that when I f rst saw the rather obscure activity on my itinerary I had been a bit bewildered, but after a few moments’ thought it was the one thing I really could not wait to experience. Barely noticing the beautiful surroundings on the short boat ride to Waller’s tuna farm, I quickly change into my wet suit and jump in blissfully unaware of the stinging jellyf sh that are also awaiting. Worry not, these red jellyf sh are not poisonous and their sting is painful but brief. CONTINUED ON PAGE 44
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SOUTH AUSTRALIA The f sh themselves are larger than you would imagine. But what is most fascinating is that unlike dolphins (or as I would later discover seals), tuna are completely uninterested in the new playmate. That might sound to some as if the experience is somewhat devoid of excitement. But the thrill comes from feeding your new found friends, their large, tooth-f lled mouths accelerating towards your increasingly tightly clenched f st. Waller, who started in commercial f shing, f ts the bill as a perfect host. He is not pushy but extremely encouraging, welcoming questions in equal measure to the frenzied f sh feeding. Increasingly exhausted, we return to the Port Lincoln Hotel for a sleep before an early start to do the three-hour drive to Jo’s home, Coodlie Farm. As the sun rises, we are on the road. Now, I
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enjoy driving, but as a city boy, I am used to stop-start and twisting roads. To say that the road from Port Lincoln to Port Kenny could have easily been roman, would be an injustice as the ever disappearing road is straighter than straight. Yet along the way there are more than a few features to take your interest. From the burnt out red and black of the Elliston Swamp through to Colton, the dinkiest bakers you have ever seen, there are treats at every turn (if there were any turns). Ahead of time, we take a slight detour to see Elliston’s very own Great Ocean Road complete with structures by local artists. The views are enough on their own to warrant the visit, but the mixture of classic and contemporary art to complete the picture are more than impressive. Perhaps it is the kid in me wanting to be let out, but Elliston’s own Bogan (by artist Romy) stole my heart.
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A couple of hours in the sun and a walk around the South Headland later, it is increasingly apparent why the Haslam’s refer to the Eyre Peninsula as ‘the place God threw rocks at.’ However, if that were the case, God did a pretty f ne job. With a brief stop to sandboard on the way home (I am sorry Kangaroo Island, but the dunes here beat your’s hands down!), it is time for showers and foodage before Hassie takes us on a night-time wildlife trail to f nd wombats and kangaroos on his immense farmland. But before all that, I look out the window and spot sunset. Camera in hand, I am in heaven. I know now why so many artists set up home in the Eyre Peninsula!
The morning f ies by and there’s a brief stop at Coodlie Park Farm (more of that later) to dump my bags before heading to meet a group just starting out on their Nullarbor Traveller adventure. Day two of their tour and they are relaxing on the beach at Venus Bay – not a bad deal I don’t think!
proves he also has a sense of humour as he talks us through to the stars so clear above our heads. With a few of the more famous constellations identif ed, Hassie throws his own into the mix. I challenge you to f nd Hassie’s duck next time you look up at the night time sky. A little bit of a help – it is not too far from Orion’s Belt. E 46
CONTINUED ON PAG
While our night-time quest for wombats and kangaroos bears little fruit (ok, so we saw a couple of roos), Hassie has the whole busload eating out of his hands as he informs and educates about his wildlife and also his efforts to ensure that his business venture does its own to ensure the area’s survival. With so many miles done each year by his company members, he replaces each mile of carbon use with tree plantations. A man with a conscience soon enough
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SOUTH AUSTRALIA With time drifting by uncontrollably, another night’s sleep brings around the chance to swim with both dolphins and seals – not in an enclosure but rather in the wild. Given that sharks frequent the surrounding waters, the thought is at f rst daunting. But as Alan Payne of Baird Bay Ocean Eco Experience makes clear, the chance of attack is unlikely given his deterrent signal. Though he does warn, that if a shark is really hungry, then even the deterrent signal won’t hold it back. Thankfully for us no sharks came near as we headed out. First goal; dolphins. Though several packs came past, upon entering the water, it became clear that they weren’t game for a play. Worry not, the seals will want some fun, so we are told. And how right Alan is. While I had always thought seals were cute looking, I believed they were not very people friendly. So as I enter the water, I am surprised to enter immediately into a staring competition with big boy seal. While he doesn’t come near, he clearly means me no harm and is more interested in the foreigner in his territory. As if to break the tension, a whole f eet of baby seals come bounding in. Their uncontrollable energy is completely captivating. From the moment they decide they want to play, they are swimming around like toddlers in a ball pool. I had not been looking forward to this moment, but here I was, loving every minute. Seals had somehow stolen my heart and even a later, brief swim with those powerful dolphins could not win me back. As I said goodbye to my new friends, Hassie and Jo jumped with me in the car for the long drive back to the airport. Once again I was amazed to be dropped at what could have been the village hall. But with a $10 million revamp on the cards, perhaps Port Lincoln has realised that it really is the gateway to ‘the real Australia’.
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QUEENSLAND DAINTREE RAINFOREST SO YOU have made your way along the Australian East Coast and are feeling a little worse for wear after one too many schooners and far too many late nights, but did you know that traveling doesn’t have to be about who can survive Ring of Fire without throwing up an entire days food. Why not open your mind to the tropical rainforests of Northern Queensland’s – where one of the oldest rainforests in the world meets the Great Barrier Reef! JUNGLE TOURS Now despite the recent f oods in Queensland, Northern Queensland has actually been completely unaffected so have no fear, but why would you when The Daintree Rainforest and Cape Tribulation have some of the most luscious nature wildlife that you could ever wish to feast your eyes on and furthermore it boasts over 120 million years worth of history just waiting to be explored. Perhaps you are feeling a little apprehensive? The thought of getting lost in 1200km of thick forestry can be daunting. However with the help of Jungle Tours you are able to put your worries behind you and experience the full glory of the rainforest with the comfort of an experienced tour guide. They offer two main options:
you can either “Go Wild” with the premium option or “Go Troppo” for those of you on a budget. Either way you are in for a treat. The walks include exciting opportunities. Swim in the idyllic waters of Mossman River which is guaranteed to refresh you. See how many wild animals you can spot which include the cassowary birds, crocodiles and koalas. Then sit back, relax and tuck into a hearty midday lunch. Luckily, if the rainforest has re-awoken the Tarzan in you there is the option to step it up a notch and take one of the extended tours that come with a variety of accommodation options. For most of us the backpacker dorms will usually do the trick but for the more high maintenance of you out there then why not opt for one of the deluxe resorts, which are cunningly hidden in the thick cover of the rainforest. On top of this you now have the option of taking to the jungle at night and experience a nocturnal world that comes to life under the silvery lights of the moon. In a small group of 11 you are certain to see some of the eclectic species that live with in the overgrowth and with (TURN TO PAGE 50)
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QUEENSLAND that number amounting to more than 50% of those species native to Australia, this is a guarantee. JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS As you can see, activities are plentiful in the Daintree Rainforest and as well as the ones already described you can also add jungle surf ng to the tally. Now where in life would you f nd the opportunity to f y high above the jungle canopy being fortunate enough to see sights that only a small handful has ever had the pleasure of witnessing? The answer again is the Daintree Rainforest! Once you have taken in the marvelous views from ground level Jungle Surf ng with ‘Canopy Tours’ offers an unmissable chance to be hoisted high up into the jungle and glide through it on safely secured ziplines – we don’t quite have Superman’s f ying powers yet. This adrenalin pumping trip lasts for two hours with over an hour of canopy exploring and f ve eco-friendly tree platforms buried deep within the foliage give you the perfect chance to feel just like a bird and observe the jungle from above. Not only is this an experience f lled with excitement and anticipation it is also educational as well when you are given an in depth evaluation of life in Australia’s largest sustainable energy community in which the residents are willing to share with you (Perhaps they will inspire you to become an eco-warrior as well). Delightfully, not only is jungle surf ng possible for people of all ages (although I am sure your 90 year old granny won’t be too impressed) you do not need professional experience, just a strong fervor for getting out into the jungle. Besides it has all been tested for safety and boasts a tough group of guides ranging from scientists to abseiling experts and even trapeze artists to catch you if you fall – theoretically. Open seven days a week and with eight tours daily is there really any better way of escaping the urban hustle and bustle? (Please note that all tours require bookings prior to your arrival)
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QUEENSLAND FRASER ISLAND WIDELY known as the world’s largest sand island and one of the East Coast’s most idyllic and saught-after attractions, Fraser Island is a destination set to wow even the most experienced of travelers. Lying off of the Southern Queensland coastline, Fraser Island not only displays some of the most mouth watering, natural, rainwater lakes the world has to offer, it also has a rather amusing tale to go with it. Originally inhabited by aboriginal tribes, it wasn’t long until it was captured and renamed and this time it was after a shipwreck survivor, Eliza Fraser who ultimately went mad later in life and became a sideshow attraction at Hyde Park in England. Stretching over 123km, the island is an eclectic fusion of dense rainforest, towering sand dunes, crystal clear freshwater lakes, meandering creeks and pristine beaches. With a large collection of trips on offer it is best to book accommodation in either Hervey Bay or Rainbow Beach prior to booking a tour since it is usually one of these places from which most tours start from. With a large assortment of trips comes a huge choice of travel options. While a lot of young backpackers tend to opt for going in a small group and hiring a 4WD then indulging in some camping during the evenings, there are also the options of going on a tour bus and staying at the gorgeous Eurong Beach Resort if you don’t wish to get your paws dirty – though the former option does mean you can stock up on your own booze and get merry in the evenings. Now, some of you may not have the time to enjoy a full two or three day expedition and opt for the one day tour however it is only with the extended tours that you really get to experience all that the island has to offer. Many of you may have heard of Lake McKenzie, known for its clear blue waters that are ripe with nutrients thought to make your BOOK WITH US hair extra shiny, and the DIRECT, MENTION soft, white, silica sand THIS AD AND that not only adds to the beauty of the lake but also has the important job of purifying the water. However it is perhaps the somewhat overlooked Lake Wabby that really excels.
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QUEENSLAND WHITE WATER RAFTING NOW we understand that BBM readers are always up for trying new things, and no we don’t mean sampling a resourcefully made cocktail of beer, wine, Sambuca and whatever else the overly keen Canadian from the hostel dared you to consume last night. No, as courageous as that may be we are actually talking about White Water Rafting in Northern Queensland. White water rafting is yet another exhilarating activity Northern Queensland has to offer and is a superb way of getting a little bit out of your comfort zone by taking part in something that is really set to fathom up a f avor for adventure. Whilst pushing all of the boundaries, you will not only get to discover the enticing world of the rainforest that will ignite all of your senses, you will be doing so whilst in the midst of the luscious waters of the Barron River. Located on the Atherton Tableland near Cairns, the Barron River is more than 165km long and is scattered with an eye-catching selection of waterfalls – don’t worry you won’t been rafting down those! RnR White Water Rafting is a f tting choice that will push your zeal for adventure to the limit whilst at the same time maintaining an enthusiasm for safety – and an absolute guarantee that your trip won’t turn into a scene from Deliverance. You can expect your trip to include a variety of different rapids, tremendous views of the rainforest, team building exercises (not the kind you have to do at the off ce) and the amazing rush of being on the water – be it your f rst or thirteenth time. While only ages over 12 are accepted just a general level of f tness is required and if worst comes to worst and you realise that the last three months of endless booze benders have brought your health to about that of a ninety year old alcoholic on his last limbs, then the experienced river guide can always jump in and save you – although here at BBM we would recommend leaving you in there as it is the kindest way of putting you out of your misery. Jokes aside, whether you are a white water rafting virgin or a complete novice, the wonders of the rainforest and the thrill of crashing over the relentless water of the river are all experiences not worth ignoring.
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FEATURE TAX
DON’T LEAVE YOUR MONEY IN AUSTRALIA! earnings. This doesn’t have to be lost money. Have you applied for your Australian tax refund? Whether you are leaving Oz soon or planning to hang around for a while, we’re sure you could do with some money in your pocket!
Apply for your tax refund today. As a hard-working holidaymaker in Oz, you’ll pay about 13-29% tax on your
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Many working holiday makers are not aware of how much money they can be due back and that they can even get their mitts on a 2011 tax refund before the tax year ends in June. An early assessment gives you the option of getting your money back in as little as six weeks.
How much money can I get back?
Your refund amount depends on how much you’ve earned, the amount of tax you’ve paid, how long you have been working and if you had any workrelated expenses. The average working holiday maker gets a very respectable $2500.
Super Refunds
Anyone earning over $450 a month in Oz pays a whopping 9% of their wages into a superannuation fund. Many working holiday makers do not realise how much super they have paid over their time in Oz, its important not to leave this money behind you. Super refunds must be carried out after you have left Oz as you will need to use your exit stamp on your passport to process the claim.
For more info on claiming your taxback or to kick start the process text “BBM”to 040 999 0535
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TAX DOESN’T HAVE TO BE TAXING! Working Holiday Makers Guide to Tax
• Tax Year: The Australian tax year is from July 1st to June 30th the following year. The 2011 tax year started on July 1st 2010 •Tax File Declaration: When you start working in Australia your employer is obliged by law to give you a Employment Declaration Form to complete. • Claim all work-related expenses: Take the time to f nd out what work-related expenses you can claim. While up to $300 of work-related expenses can be claimed, without receipts, the claims must be for items necessary to your work and you must have incurred the expenditure. You can claim for work related expense over $300 however you must have receipts for proof of purchase. • What are work related expenses? Typically, these expenses would include ‘normal’ employee claims for expenses, such as uniforms, business telephone costs, subscriptions and union fees. Expense that many working holiday makers will be hit with when they start employment in Australia. • Keep all receipts and documentation: Keep receipts for any work related expenses and any documentation surrounding tax during your time in Australia, especially your Payment Summary or PAYG (Pay As You Go) form, also known as a Group Certif cate. • File a tax return: you can apply for a tax return during the tax year if you stop working and are not going to be working again for the rest of the tax year. Alternatively, you can apply at the end of the tax year on July 1st. Courtesy of taxback.com
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RECRUITMENT
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ATTENTION ELECTRICIANS PIPE LAYERS CARPENTERS PAINTERS
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Sydney Jobs
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Our client is a newly established on-line media agency seeking a number of experienced outbound call consultants to join their small but busy North Sydney media team.
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You will possess; • Excellent communication skills • Highly motivated individual • Strong customer service skills • Friendly personality This is a great role calling an existing client base. Full training provided.
• Must have Insurance Claims experience, Home & Content preferred • Strong Microsoft Office and communication skills • CBD location • Young and friendly team, nice offices • $22 plus super • Start now for 3 months with a view to extend to 6 months
COLLECTIONS $24-$26 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLE)
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We have a fantastic collections opportunity working for a leading global bank.
Do you have accounts payable/receivable experience?? We have clients in the city seeking candidates for immediate start.
Candidates must possess the following; • At least 12 months experience in Collections (Banking and Finance) • Tenacious and hard-working • Team player Excellent opportunity to work in Sydney’s CBD for a prestigious organization.
The ideal candidate will; • Thrive in a busy environment • High attention to detail • At least 2 years experience • Ability to prioritize workload Assignments are up to 6 months paying $24-$26 an hour. To apply for these roles please email your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au
Already have a job and want more money? Call 1300 freespirit to ask us about LAFHA.
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JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA DO YOU WANT TO WRITE about traveling around the Australians West Coast? This is a great opportunity to get your name in to print. This not a paid job, but other benefi ts are available like free activities or accommodation as you travel. Well established magazine now ten years old. Please apply to: guchi.shakir@what-media. com
JUST CUTS are seeking fully qualifi ed hairdressers, friendly and interactive professionals who pride themselves in doing quality cuts every time. If you love working in a team environment and are looking for a new exciting challenge email Maxine.mm@ optusnet. com.au or ph 0734919626. Salons around Australiagreat chances to move around the country!
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SYDNEY Call Centre - Travellers Wanted! Our Client is seeking travellers with fantastic customer service and sale skills for a 6-8 temp assignment. Your role will be generating leads on behalf of a well established global client through warm and cold calling. Paying $22 Plus Super If you think you are right for the role then please send your detailed resume to tc@freespirit.com.au
INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT
is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: Warehousing, Labouring, Stores, Process Work, Green card and safety boots are an advantage – however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email sarah@ industriousrecruitment.com.au or contact Sarah @ (02) 9270 5257 DATA ENTRY OFFICER – TRAVELLERS WELCOME!! Our Client is seeking an experienced Data Entry Offi cer with the following criteria: Minimum of 1 year work experience. English fl uency. Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity. Not on Student Visa. If you believe you are the right candidate for this role please forward your resume through to mailto:tc@freespirit.com.au
SALES EXECUTIVE DO WANT TO SETTLE DOWN IN AUSTRALIA? DO YOU LOVE SELLING? • Generous package • An opportunity to become an Australian permanent resident and eventually a citizen! • Fantastic full-time sales role with growth potential • Both face-to-face & call centre positions! • Complete training available • Assistance with your visa We are a privately owned media company experiencing growth year on year. We require LOUD, FUN & SMART individuals to join our young & dynamic team to work out of our West Sydney and Inner West Sydney offi ces As Sales Executive you will be selling to medium sized local businesses and organisations, gradually building strong relationships with your portfolio of clients. We want to see your great selling skills and your original ideas and marketing solutions. If you have a professional attitude and presentation, then email your resume and a cover letter to
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(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES
135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay www.atmichelles.com
KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road. 261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au
BBM-598 // JOB LISTINGS
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JOB LISTINGS
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BBM-598 // JOB LISTINGS
ACCOMMODATION SYDNEY
MELBOURNE Potts Point – CLOSE TO CITY. Large Studio in garden complex. Close to Kings Cross station. Suitable for a couple. Fully furnished and equipped with everything you need including TV, linen, crockery, microwave etc. $395pw. Call 0425286445 Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms in the heart of the city. Dorm beds single $40 per night or $180 per week, double rooms $80 per night OR $320 per week. Call 02 9211 4454 for details
DARLINGHURST BUDGET. NEWLY RE-FURBISHED SHARE ACCOMMODATION - Rear of 433 Liverpool Street, Darlinghurst. Corner of West Street. Central location, close to all amenities yet quiet. $160 P/P P/W + $200 Bond. All bills + WIRELESS INTERNET included. Fully furnished rooms in share house. 7 rooms - 2, 3 or 4 person share. Laundry, Kitchen, lounge/TV room. For appointment to view call Louise between 9am-7pm on 0402 034 119.
FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA
Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park.
Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566
TO ADVERTISE CALL
ON (02) 8231 7701
BBM-598 // ACCOMMODATION
69
ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY
SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!
JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)
THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au STRAND HOTEL 99 William St Darlinghurst, Sydney 2010 Ph: 02 93606910 www.strandhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com
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PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au
Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.
BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au
SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL
428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au
THE ROYAL HOTEL
370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au
SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire
SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au
PORT STEPHENS
MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com
NEWCASTLE
BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au
HUNTER VALLEY HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au
KATOOMBA
KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!
BYRON BAY
AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!
ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey
SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800
www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au
spbr@bigpond.net.au
NAMBUCCA HEADS
NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au
LAKE TABOURIE
LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie
QUEENSLAND BRISBANE
TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433 BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865
GOLDCOAST AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au
MACKAY
GECKO’S REST 34 Sydney st Mackay QLD 4740 Ph: 07 49441230 www.geckorest.com.au info@geckorest.com.au
NOOSA
NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com
HERVEY BAY
NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com
TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)
COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au
CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free
GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au
GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au
MISSION BEACH
ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH
28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au
CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com
WHITSUNDAYS
BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au
AIRLIE BEACH
MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1199 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au
CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE
Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au
BBM-598 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE
RAINBOW BEACH
PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!
DINGOS BACKPACKER RESORT 20 Spectrum Street, Rainbow Beach QLD 4581 FREECALL: 1800 103 823 www.dingosresort.com 3day/2night Selfguided camping Fraser Island Safari PLUS 2 nights at Dingos Resort $219 NO HIDDEN EXTRAS and FREE Pancake breakfast with every stay!!!
WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH
WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com
PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS cnr Marine Parade & Eric St Cottesloe Beach Ph: 08 9384 5111 stay@oceanbeachbackpackers.com www.oceanbeachbackpackers.com ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966 madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au
www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au
EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com
MONKEY MIA
MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au
KUNUNURRA
KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au
VICTORIA MILDURA REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704
HALLS GAP
BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au
www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.
MELBOURNE EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 MELBOURNE METRO YHA
78 Howard Street North Melbourne 3051 Phone: (+613) 9329 8599 Web: www.yha.com.au Email: melbmetro@yhavic.org.au NOMADS MELBOURNE
196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com
Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay
BBM-598 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE
EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com
$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad
FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS
450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au MELBOURNE OASIS YHA 76 Chapman St. North Melbourne VIC Ph: 03 9328 3595 oasis@yhavic.org.au http://www.yha.com.au
Inviting all British Balls enthusiasts to check out Melbourne’s completely BUNK FREE hostel. Guaranteeing a good nights sleep! Foxtel TV & free swimming pool pass. Beds start at $27.
HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au
ST. KILDA
OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms
Australia
HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au
Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com
APOLLO BAY
APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au
NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN
CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 www.chillis.com.au ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com
ALICE SPRINGS
HINDMARSH GROOVEY GROUP 10 Bacon St, Hindmarsh SA 5007 getaways@groovygrape.com.au Freecall: 1800 66 11 77 Ph: + 61 8 8440 1640 www.grooveygroup.com.au ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au
SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS
CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more
SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au
ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au
SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au MAJESTIC MINIMA HOTEL 146 Melbourne Street North Adelaide SA 5006 Ph:(08) 8334 7766 minima@majestichotels.com.au www.majestichotels.com.au OUR HOUSE BACKPACKERS 33 Gilbert Place, Adelaide, SA, 5000 Ph: 08 8410 4788 Fax: 08 8410 6288 info@ourhousebackpackers.com www.ourhousebackpackers.com
FOR MORE LISTING VISIT BBMLIVE.COM
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ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand CHRISTCHURCH
CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz
BAY OF ISLANDS BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz
KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz
QUEENSTOWN
BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz
NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new fl ashpackers, now open with rave reviews.
FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER
CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz
AUCKLAND
WELLINGTON
NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com
NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakefi eld Stree Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night
$5 off fi rst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad
NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off fi rst night if you mention this ad
Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfi ji.comwww beachcomberfi ji.com THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fi jibeachouse.co www.fi jibeachouse.co
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SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfi ji.com Skype name: Smugglers Cove HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachfi ji.co
ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandfi ji com THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacifi c Harbou P.O.Box 416 Pacifi c Habou Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com
NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.fi jinadibayhotel.com NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj
BBM-598 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE
ADVENTURE SPORTS SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES
SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com
The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!
SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs
SIMPLY SKYDIVE SYDNEY P.O. Box 5060 Elanora Heights NSW 2101 Sydney International Regatta Centre
Penrith Lakes NSW 2750 FreeCall 1800 SKYDIVE Ph: 02/92238444 Fax: 02/92315878 Info@simplyskydive.com.au www.simplyskydive.com.au
Awesome views of Sydney and the Blue Mountains!
SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au
Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef
SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au
Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings
NEW ZEALAND
SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com
NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com
FIJI
SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’
SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA
THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au
SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS
Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au
FIJI
SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.
TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA
YOUNG TRAVELLERS TOURS MELBOURNE Ph - 0488 002 212 www.yttours.com Fun original tours along the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island! One day tour from $90 SEALINK 440 King William Street Adelaide SA 5000 Ph: 08 8202 8678 bookings@kiadventuretours.com.au www.sealink.com.au
BBM-598 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE
OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au
The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.
GOING SOUTH
Four days, two famous Aussie icons, one awesome tour Ph: 1800 009 858 www.goinsouth.com.au
RAFTING
AUSTRALIA
OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au
Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited
MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au
HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA
BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au
STAND UP PADDLE SURFING AUSTRALIA
STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au
KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA
KITESURF 1770 / IKO CER TIFIED KITEBOARDING SCHOOL/CENTRE 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@kitesurf1770.com.au www.kitesurf1770.com.au
MARINE CHARTERS AUSTRALIA
ADVENTURE BAY CHARTERS 2 Jubilee Drive Port Lincoln, SA, 5606 Ph: 04 8842 8862 info@adventurebaycharters.com.au www.adventurebaycharters.com.au
KANGAROO ISLAND MARINE CHARTERS 9 Chapman Terrace, Kingscote, Kangaroo Island, SA Ph: 0427 315 286 Fax: 08 8553 0016 www.kimarineadventures.com
KAYAKING AUSTRALIA
ADVENTURE KAYAKING 7 Hastings Street, Glenelg South, SA Ph: (08) 8295 8812 bookings@adventurekayak.com.au www.adventurekayak.com.au
SAILING
AUSTRALIA
ADVENTURE KAYAKING Marina Pier, Holdfast Shores Marina Glenelg SA 5045 Ph: 0412 811 838 Fax: (08) 8353 0750 info@dolphinboat.com.au www.dolphinboat.com.au
BIKE RIDING AUSTRALIA
ESCAPE GOAT Adelaide, SA Ph: 08 8121 8112 0422 916289 info@escapegoat.com.au www.escapegoat.com.au
JET BOATING
NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET
The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.
Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com
ROLLERBLADING AUSTRALIA
ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022
GLACIER GUIDING NEW ZEALAND
Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz
Take a breathtaking guided trip on the West Coast’s longest and less crowded glacier amidst fascinating ice formations with NZ’s most experienced glacier guiding company. Offering a full range of trips to suit all fitness levels.
SURFING AUSTRALIA
SURF CAMP AUSTRALIA 235 CLARENCE ST, SYDNEY PH: (02) 9262 1757 www.surfcamp.com.au
SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Chris@surfingaustralia.com http://www.surfingaustralia.com Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience
MOJOSURF 2/9 Marvel Street Ph: 02 6639 5100 reservations@mojosurf.com http://mojosurf.com Living the dream… SANCTUARY SURFERS 201 Waymouth Street Adelaide South Australia 5000 Ph: 0403 134 478 luke.j.d@gmail.com www.sanctuary.net.au SURFSHACK IS AN ACCREDITED SURF SCHOOL Lessons from $50 for 2 hours Lake Entrance Surf Shack 507 Esplanade Ph: 03 5155 4933 Mallacoota Surf Shack 41 Maurice Avenue Ph: 03 5158 0909 www.surfshack.com.au
JUNGLE SURFING AUSTRALIA
JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS PO Box 117 Port Douglas, Queensland Ph: 07 4098 0043 info@junglesurfing.com.au www.junglesurfing.com.au
RIVER BOARDING NEW ZEALAND
MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797 www.riverboarding.co.nz
SHARK EXPEDITIONS AUSTRALIA
RODNEY FOX EXPEDITIONS 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, Adelaide, South Australia, 5070 Ph: (08) 8363 1788 www.rodneyfox.com.au
BUNGY JUMPING AUSTRALIA
AJ HACKETT CAIRNS Mc Gregor Road Smithfield, QLD 4878 Ph: (07) 4057 7188 Free call: 1800 622 888 (Aus only) Cairns.reception@ajhackett.com www.cairns.ajhackett.com
KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA
KITE REPUBLIC Shop: 10-18 Jacka Blvd. St.Kilda Sea Baths Complex, St.Kilda 3182 Melbourne, VIC Ph:(03) 95370644 Mob: +61 418583233 info@kiterepublic.com.au www.kiterepublic.com.au
73
CRYSTAL BALLS
Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week
do you really want to go back
get your repulsive carcass to
crossed for that penis enlarger
to dreary old Blighty?
the gym, or the circus freak
eh?
show – it’s your choice. Don’t worry what others think
No sun, no sea and no sex – well maybe not everything
But remember, when you
of your pathetic manhood – it’s
would be different for you.
reach the point of being so
what you do with it that counts.
disgustingly fat you have to be
You could always use it as an
Get yourself a new wardrobe
removed from your room by
auxiliary pinky.
– orange shellsuits do not
crane, it’s unlikely Qantas will
induce knicker descent.
allow you on the plane for your
Capricorn
return flight.
BEAUTY is in the eye of the
Aries
Cancer
WE all go through rough
DON’T let that cow who
Libra
patches – it’s normal.
dumped you knock your
THIS week will be a great week
confidence.
for you after a torrid one last
point where you have to say enough is enough.
week when you managed to
Just because he is sensitive
long enough feeling sorry for
You are a fine example of
piss off everyone who came
and caring it doesn’t mean
yourself.
manhood, an alpha-male, and
within a 100-metre radius of
you can ignore that 14-inch
over the next couple of weeks
you.
forehead and ears like the
But you’ve had more than
It’s time to pull your dick out of
you are going to get more
your arse and start to face the
poontang than you can shake a
People will start to forgive you
world again.
stick at, so to speak.
and things will return to normal,
And no matter how much you
but don’t get too friendly with
may say it, bad breath is not
European Cup.
Taurus
So get your self saddled-up, it’s
people too quickly. Everyone is
endearing. Get rid of him and
YOU’VE just started a new
going to be a long ride.
still a bit miffed at you putting
go get yourself a new fella.
job and you’re in love with a beautiful girl, can things get any
Leo
better for you?
SOMETIMES you just have to
your dick in granddad’s ear when he was sleeping.
Aquarius SO what if you told the boss
admit defeat, but for you this
Scorpio
has never been a problem.
MAYBE you are just imagining
thought he would be better
it but you are sure girls are
suited to the SS than as duty
Ever the lazy shit, you have
giving you the eye every time
manager at Burger King.
You’re going to be fired this
never been able to last at
you are in the boozer.
week because your boss
anything. But a change in
thinks you’re a cock and he
career will change all this for
Well sorry, but you are just
your problem is admitting it
knows you ogle his 16-year-old
you.
imagining it and what’s worse
– fuck that, have another drink
is you are suffering from
and you’ll forget about the
You will become committed,
glaucoma so there’s a strong
problem, sorted.
hard working and reliable. All
possibility of rapid vision loss
Oh, and that beautiful girl that
you have to do is find that
unless you have surgery.
you are so in love with? She’s
career if you can be bothered
shagging Peter from accounts.
getting your fat arse out of bed
At least you get to wear cool
Backpacker contest and meet
to look for a job.
sunnies like Edgar Davids.
the man of your dreams.
THE grass is always greener on
Virgo
Sagittarius
But remember, fame can
the other side.
WITH the advent of Uranus
YOU can’t always get what
change people. You only have
blocking the sun, it’s time to
you want but sometimes you
to look at the Crankies to see
put down that eighth pie and
get what you need - so fingers
that.
Well no, you smarmy bastard, they can’t and they won’t.
daughter when she comes into the office, you dirty old perv.
Gemini
Well, that’s sometimes true but
74
beholder but there is a cut-off
when you were pissed that you
The first step to overcoming
Pisces YOU will win a Miss
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ASK CRYSTAL
Dear Crystal,
Dear Sabina,
Dear Crystal,
I am sure there are loads of
I am staying in a room with a
expats in Australia on the
friend of a friend and I think he
And just to teach the prick a
same boat as you but don’t
is eating my food when I am
lesson, why not label some dog
worry there are heaps of ways
out the flat. I don’t know how to
food as “Chicken Curry” for him
to make money in this land of
approach him about it without
to eat, or clean the toilet with his
opportunity.
offending him. What can I do?
toothbrush?
level of milk you have left.
Jaymes, Adelaide
I have been in Australia for
If, like you say, you can’t find a
nearly three months now and
job then you have to use your
Dear Jaymes,
I’ve spent just about all my
initiative.
If this arsehole is stealing your
like he’s brushing his teeth with
food then you have every right
a shitty nappy.
money on booze. Why not sign yourself up for clinical trials? You can make
for three weeks but I can’t
thousands of dollars just
However, if you are too much
seem to find anything at all. I
by agreeing to try out new
of a pussy to do this, then keep
am absolutely desperate to find
medicines.
a note of how much you have eaten yourself.
don’t get some form of income
Just don’t hold me responsible
soon, I’ll have to go home. Can
if you grow a set of testicles on
For example, count how many
you help me?
your chin and start shitting the
slices of bread you have left and
bed.
put a faint pencil line round the
Sabina, Sydney
to mess with you when it tastes
to approach him about it.
I have been looking for a job
work and I’m worried that if I
He’ll soon get the message not
Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail Crystal via. editor@britishballs.com
TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS
JOKES I WAS watching TV when my mother-in-law stormed into the living room and shouted: “Right, which one of you splashed diarrhoea all up the seat?” I looked sheepish and said: “Sorry Eileen, it’s me, but there wasn’t any toilet paper to wipe it off.” She replied: “And why would I keep toilet paper in my Renault Clio?” Timothy, Perth IT took a lot of balls for me to go on the Channel 4 show “Embarrassing Bodies’’. Three actually. John, Croydon MY wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother’s funeral. Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam f ngers? Roger, Randwick I SAID to my mate, “My arsehole is hurting this morning, any idea what it is?” He replied, “Ring Sting.” I said: “Why, do you think he’ll know?” Jack, Bondi WAYNE Rooney’s video game out now: PreEvolution Soccer. Jimbo, Cairns 76
THEY say a picture is worth a thousand words. The pictures on my laptop are worth a long sentence. Peter, Somerset I WANTED to sue Qantas because they damaged my luggage on the f ight over. I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer. He took one look and said “You don’t have much of a case.” Sam, Surry Hills IN THE recent economic crisis, I doubt Ireland will be able to stay af oat. Well, Cork might. Rick, Darwin WHILST I was driving my girlfriend started giving me a blowjob. I thought I would give her a quick lick as well but we ended up crashing. The police charged me with doing 69 in a 30 zone. Ted, Leeds
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SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE PlWDL+/-Pts Manchester United2817923560 Arsenal2717553056 Manchester City2814861950 Chelsea2714672548 Tottenham Hotspur271386747 Liverpool2811611139 Bolton Wanderers289109137 Sunderland289109-237 Newcastle United289910436 Stoke City2810414-334 Everton277128-133 Aston Villa288911-1233 Fulham286148032 Blackburn Rovers289514-1132 Blackpool289514-1332 Birmingham City266128-1030 West Bromwich Albion287813-1729 Wolverhampton Wanderers288416-1528 West Ham United2861012-1628 Wigan Athletic2851211-2227
Tables accurate as of noon Saturday, March 5th, AEST.
LEAGUE 1
CHAMPIONSHIP
PlWDL+/-Pts Brighton and Hove Albion3118853462 AFC Bournemouth33161072358 Huddersfi eld Town331689165 Peterborough United32165111253 Southampton3115792552 Milton Keynes Dons FC3415712-152 Colchester United3312129-148 Charlton Athletic3113810347 Oldham Athletic3311139-146 Carlisle United3212911845 Rochdale3011127845 Leyton Orient3011118944 Hartlepool United3312813-1444 Brentford3212713-343 Exeter City33111012-743 Sheffi eld Wednesday311171334 Notts County2911612139 Tranmere Rovers3210814-638 Yeovil Town3210616-1536 Walsall349718-1734 Swindon Town3371016-1631 Bristol Rovers337917-3030 Dagenham & Redbridge307815-1329 Plymouth Argyle3310617-1826
PlWDL+/-Pts Queens Park Rangers34181333667 Swansea City34195101862 Cardiff City3418791761 Nottingham Forest34151451659 Norwich City34161171259 Leeds United3414128754 Leicester City3415712052 Burnley32131181050 Hull City3412139349 Reading34111581248 Millwall34121111747 Portsmouth3413813147 Watford33121011846 Ipswich Town3312615042 Barnsley3411914-1142 Doncaster Rovers3411914-1442 Bristol City3411815-841 Coventry City3311715-440 Derby County3411617-539 Middlesbrough3310716-737 Crystal Palace349817-2135 Scunthorpe United339420-2731 Sheffi eld United347819-242 Preston North End335919-2624
LEAGUE 2 PlWDL+/-Pts Chesterfi eld3418115266 Wycombe Wanderers331689856 Bury3215982254 Rotherham United3315991754 Shrewsbury Town33141091652 Port Vale321499751 Gillingham3412139649 Southend United3213811547 Oxford United3413813047 Stevenage Football Club32111291245 Torquay United32111291045 Cheltenham Town34111112-744 Crewe Alexandra3211912842 Accrington Stanley3010128-142 Lincoln City3212515-1441 Northampton Town3391311-440 Aldershot Town3381411-838 Hereford United3191012-737 Morecambe3391014-1037 Bradford City3211417-1137 Macclesfi eld Town309813-93 Burton Albion288812-532 Barnet337917-2030 Stockport County3461018-4128
OTHER LEAGUES
FOCUS ON... FRANCE VIVE le France! While every other major European league is already a two-horse race (except for the Bundesliga which has pretty much been won by Borrussia Dortmund), the top four in Ligue 1 are seperated by just deux points. And to throw some extra spice into the mix, leaders Lille and fourth-placed Paris St Germain are both going for the double. Hot diggety dawg! This weekend looks like it could be crucial with four of the top six playing each other. The big game is Lille against Marseille, although Rennes versus Montpellier is also a key match. Even the French Cup has been a f rework orgasm this season, with f fth-tier side Amateurs Chambery’s dream run f nally coming to an end at the quarter-f nal stage this weekend, having knocked out three top-f ight clubs.
Lille OSC Rennes2513751246 Olympique Marseille2512941545 Paris Saint-Germain2512851444 Olympique Lyon2511951442 Montpellier HSC251087-238 Saint-Etienne25 FC Lorient2510510135 Stade Brest25 Girondins Bordeaux258107234 Toulouse FC2510312-133 FC Sochaux259511832 Valenciennes257108331 Caen257810-829 AS Nancy258413-1428 AJ Auxerre254147-426 AS Monaco254138-325 RC Lens255911-1624 AC Arles-Avignon251816-3211
SERIE A PlWDL+/-Pts
PlWDL+/-Pts 25121031946
9
8
8
1
3
5
9
8
8
1
3
5
AC Milan2717732958 Internazionale2716562053 Napoli2716471652 Lazio2714671048 Udinese2714581947 AS Roma271278343 Juventus271188741 Palermo2712411140 Cagliari2711511538 Genoa279810-235 Bologna271089-535 Fiorentina278109034 Chievo2771010-231 Sampdoria2771010-631 Catania277812-1129 Parma2761011-1128 Lecce277713-1828 Cesena276714-1625 Brescia276615-1324 Bari273717-2616
SCOTTISH PREMIER PlWDL+/-Pts Celtic2720434264 Rangers2519243459 Heart of Midlothian2717461955 Kilmarnock2711610739 Motherwell2811413-437 Dundee United258107-134 Inverness Caledonian Thistle288911-133 Hibernian289415-1431 Aberdeen279315-1430 St. Johnstone268612-1630 St. Mirren275715-2222 Hamilton Academical272916-3015
78
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LA LIGA PlWDL+/-Pts FC Barcelona2623216471 Real Madrid2519423661 Valencia CF2615651351 Villarreal CF2615561950 RCD Espanyol2613112-340 Athletic Bilbao2612212238 Sevilla FC2611510138 Atlético Madrid2610511235 Real Sociedad2611213-535 RCD Mallorca2610412-834 Getafe CF269611-333 Racing Santander257810-1229 Levante UD268414-1128 Deportivo La Coruña2661010-1428 Real Zaragoza266911-1427 Osasuna266812-626 Hércules CF267514-1526 Sporting Gijón2651011-1125 Málaga CF256514-1723 UD Almería254912-1821
FOOTBALL RESULTS Wednesday, 2 March The FA Cup Arsenal 5-0 Leyton Orient Man City 3-0 Aston Villa Clydesdale Bank Premier League St Johnstone 0-0 Aberdeen Blue Square Premier Tamworth 3-1 Kettering Scottish Cup Celtic 1-0 Rangers Scottish Third Division East Stirling 0-0 Albion Blue Square Bet South Welling 3-1 Bromley ---------------------------------------------------------Tuesday, 1 March Barclays Premier League Chelsea 2-1 Man Utd The FA Cup Everton 0-1 Reading Npower Championship Derby 1-3 Doncaster Middlesbrough 1-1 Nott’m Forest Portsmouth 2-0 Scunthorpe Npower League One Brentford 1-1 Notts County Bristol Rovers 0-1 Colchester Charlton 1-3 Carlisle Exeter 1-1 Tranmere Hartlepool 0-1 Huddersfi el Walsall 1-0 Southampton Yeovil 0-1 Brighton Npower League Two Aldershot 1-1 Gillingham Cheltenham 2-1 Stockport Chesterfi eld 4-1 Wycomb Lincoln City 3-1 Oxford Utd Northampton 2-3 Burton Albion Shrewsbury 0-3 Bury Torquay 1-1 Rotherham Clydesdale Bank Premier League Hamilton 1-2 Hibernian Inverness CT 0-2 Dundee Utd Blue Square Premier Darlington 4-0 Fleetwood Town Forest Green 0-1 Luton Hayes & Yeading 0-0 AFC Wimbledon Newport County 1-1 Cambridge Utd Rushden & D’mnds 5-1 Bath City Southport 3-1 Histon York 2-1 Gateshead Scottish First Division Cowdenbeath 2-2 Queen of South Morton 0-0 Falkirk Stirling 0-0 Ross County Scottish Second Division Brechin 3-3 Dumbarton East Fife 3-1 Peterhead Livingston 3-0 Forfar Stenhousemuir 3-1 Ayr Scottish Third Division Annan Athletic 1-1 Berwick Stranraer 3-1 Clyde The FA Carlsberg Trophy Chasetown 2-2 Mansfi el Blue Square Bet North AFC Telford 1-1 Droylsden Alfreton Town 4-0 Gloucester Eastwood Town 2-0 Harrogate Town Guiseley 1-2 Vauxhall Motors Nuneaton 2-3 Corby Redditch 0-1 Stafford Rangers Stalybridge 0-0 Worcester Blue Square Bet South Dartford 1-0 Basingstoke Maidenhead Utd 0-1 Havant and W Staines Town 1-2 Hampton & Richmond Thurrock 1-3 Boreham Wood Woking 3-0 Ebbsfl eet Unite Scot-Ads Highland Football League Strathspey Thistle 3-3 Fort William Carling Premiership Ballymena 0-3 Crusaders Glentoran 4-0 Donegal Celtic Newry 0-1 Dungannon Swifts ---------------------------------------------------------Monday, 28 February Barclays Premier League Stoke 1-1 West Brom Blue Square Bet South Chelmsford 0-0 Braintree Town ----------------------------------------------------------
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Sunday, 27 February Barclays Premier League Man City 1-1 Fulham West Ham 3-1 Liverpool Carling Cup Arsenal 1-2 Birmingham Clydesdale Bank Premier League Motherwell 2-0 Celtic Rangers 4-0 St Johnstone Blue Square Bet North Hinckley Utd 0-3 Nuneaton ---------------------------------------------------------Saturday, 26 February Barclays Premier League Aston Villa 4-1 Blackburn Everton 2-0 Sunderland Newcastle 1-1 Bolton Wigan 0-4 Man Utd Wolverhampton 4-0 Blackpool Npower Championship Barnsley 0-2 Norwich Bristol City 2-0 Scunthorpe Crystal Palace 3-3 Reading Doncaster 1-1 Watford Hull 0-2 Cardiff Ipswich 0-2 Portsmouth Leicester 1-1 Coventry Middlesbrough 0-3 QPR Millwall 0-0 Nott’m Forest Preston 1-2 Burnley Sheff Utd 0-1 Derby Swansea 3-0 Leeds Npower League One Brentford 1-0 Bristol Rovers Carlisle 0-1 Sheff Wed Dag & Red 1-2 Bournemouth Exeter 1-2 Hartlepool Huddersfi eld 2-2 Leyton Orient MK Dons 1-0 Brighton Oldham 0-5 Peterborough Plymouth 2-1 Colchester Southampton 4-1 Swindon Tranmere 0-1 Yeovil Walsall 0-0 Rochdale Npower League Two Accrington Stanley 1-0 Torquay Aldershot 1-2 Port Vale Barnet 4-2 Lincoln City Bradford 3-2 Stockport Burton Albion 2-4 Rotherham Bury 3-1 Crewe Chesterfi eld 0-2 Morecambe Macclesfi eld 0-1 Wycomb Oxford Utd 0-2 Hereford Shrewsbury 0-0 Gillingham Southend 1-1 Northampton Stevenage 4-0 Cheltenham Clydesdale Bank Premier League Aberdeen 0-0 Hearts Hamilton 1-1 Dundee Utd Hibernian 2-0 Inverness CT Kilmarnock 2-0 St Mirren Blue Square Bet Premier AFC Wimbledon 4-1 Altrincham Bath City 2-1 Southport Crawley Town 3-2 Barrow Fleetwood Town 0-1 Eastbourne Boro Forest Green 4-0 Tamworth Hayes & Yeading 1-2 York Kettering 2-0 Newport County Kidderminster 1-0 Wrexham Scottish First Division Dundee 1-1 Morton Falkirk 2-0 Cowdenbeath Queen of South 1-3 Dunfermline Raith Rovers 2-1 Stirling Ross County 0-0 Partick Thistle Scottish Second Division Ayr 2-0 Brechin East Fife 0-1 Airdrie Utd Forfar 2-1 Dumbarton Livingston 4-0 Alloa Stenhousemuir 4-2 Peterhead Scottish Third Division Albion 0-1 Berwick Annan Athletic 2-1 East Stirling Clyde 4-2 Stranraer Elgin 3-2 Arbroath Montrose 0-2 Queen’s Park The FA Carlsberg Trophy Blyth Spartans 0-2 Gateshead Darlington 2-1 Salisbury Guiseley 0-1 Luton Blue Square Bet North Droylsden 1-3 Gainsborough Gloucester 1-3 Eastwood Town
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FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS! CHECK out BBM’ s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.pr emierleague.com for all the latest r esults and standings. T able below was up to date at time of going to press.
Prizes
(in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $400 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100
# TEAM MANAGER GW
TOT
1 alovelycupoftea James Horrocks 46
1633
2 Dizzying Heights FC Siva Iyer 46
1591
3 Stop, Hammertime! Paul Steadman 44 4 Alan’s Deep Bath jason kerley 64
1535
5 every week you dan magee 57
1521
6 Mukin Fagic Luke Gately 41 7 Alcohol Fc Ron f 55
1544
1471
1471
8 TippytappyFC Richie Egan 48
1462
9 Holy-family ‘B’ team Pat Mustard 64
1458
10 bobby dazzlerz tom mcelwain 45
1438
11 Rootin & Tootin Oisin Coveney 64
1436
12 Evertonian John Armitage 68 13 Tallulah Neil Weaver 42
1429 1397
14 Insert Name Here Utd Richard Gadsby 73 15 Ozzies Allstars *** James Osborne 44 16 Arsenal Brian Harvey 34
17 Change Name brian o gorman 51
20 fi sty cuffs fc Marc Roche 47
1395
1389
17 Red Incas Mark Stansfi eld 36
19 The Roosters Steven Cairns 37
1396
1382 1382 1372 1372
New Entry Ranking Increased Ranking stayed Ranking Fell the same
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WORLD SPORT ENGLAND GO MENTAL CRICKET: Drawing with India, losing to one Irish bloke – what the fuck is going on with England at the World Cup?
ENGLAND FIXTURES THIS WEEK:
(6TH MAR) V S AFRICA (11TH MAR) V BANGLADESH
It’s a brave man who has a punt on how they’ll do against South Africa at the weekend, our money is on a 412-run draw with Paul Collingwood taking a hat-trick while Dale Steyn hits a double ton. Or something. “Rather than worrying about the Ireland result, they need to worry about the next game,” said the less-than insightful Andrew Flintoff (right). “The South Africa match is massive but we can beat them. We have got a good chance but it will be tough.”
IRELAND FIXTURES THIS WEEK:
(6TH MAR) V INDIA (11TH MAR) V WEST INDIES But pedalo-enthusiast Flintoff backed his former teammates to bounce back and hit the form which saw them capture the ICC World Twenty20 trophy and retain the Ashes in the past 12 months.
Graeme Smith’s side top the group following two conf dent victories over the West Indies and the Netherlands and boast one of the most versatile bowling attacks in the World Cup.
“We’re getting big scores and the batters are f ring, we just need to defend them,” said Flintoff, successfully dancing around the subject of why our bowlers are suddenly so shit.
TIND THE DOGHOUSE RUGBY UNION: Royal-shagger Mike Tindall (pictured) could be in trouble with his future in-laws next week as England prepare for their comfortable victory over Scotland. Tindall is engaged to Zara Phillips, the daughter of Princess Anne – who is also patron of the Scottish Rugby Union. This is somewhat f tting as the Scottish rugby team have been playing like girls for a few years. “We’ve not discussed the game at the moment. I think I’ll wait until afterwards, if we’ve won,” said stand-in skipper Tindall rather generously.
HAYEMAKER BOXING: It appears as though we loyal boxing fans are going to get a f ght that is actually worth purchasing on pay-per-view. In what is one of the most appealing f ght prospects, second only to the possible clash between Floyd “Money” Mayweather and Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao, David Haye appears to be having more discussions with the Klitschko camp about a possible bout that would take place this year. Haye told a local newspaper that the Klitschko side had not said anything for a while, but recently they have gotten in contact with David which proves to him that they do want to move forward in creating this super-f ght! But if we have learned anything from the world of boxing in the past f ve or so years it is that, until you see the two f ghters in the ring throwing punches at each other, nothing is ever set in stone. Unless of course we’re talking about Antonio Margarito’s gloves.
CHAMBERS’ SECRETS SIX NATIONS FIXTURES MARCH 12-13
ITALY V FRANCE WALES V IRELAND ENGLAND V SCOTLAND
ATHLETICS: Steroid freak Dwayne Chambers could be due a comeback from his drugs exile, with UK Athletics head coach Charles van Commennee hinting he would back a fresh legal bid to have the sprinter’s lifetime ban overturned.
ROBBERS NET BIG SCORE RUGBY LEAGUE: It never rains but it pours for Super League crisis club Wakef eld Wildcats. After entering administration last month due to unpaid taxes and getting hammered in their f rst home match of the season, they’ve now had their scoreboard stolen. “It was a bit of a shock,” admitted general manager Davide Longo. “We don’t know what’s happened but we’ve informed the police and they are coming this afternoon to investigate. “Fortunately, our next home game is on Sky so we’ll be able to use their screen for the scores, although we could still use the old manual scoreboard.”
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DUNK BUNK BASKETBALL: The NBA hit London over the weekend with the New Jersey Nets taking on the Toronto Rapids in the f rst ever regularseason game played in Europe. The only problem was they’re both shit and the result will have little bearing on the NBA f nals. Ah well, at least the Jiggaman himself, JayZ, was there. That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout! Or something.
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NRL PREVIEW BBM’S ADAM SANTAROSSA TAKES A LOOK AT ALL 16 NRL SIDES AND RATES THEIR CHANCES IN SEASON 2011. Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs
The Bulldogs should give a pat on the back to their recruitment staff again this season, with a host of quality names coming in. ContinuIty is going to be an issue in the early rounds, but as long as the Bulldogs can avoid the horror injury toll they had in 2010, there’s no reason why they can’t be top four.
KEY PLAYER: BEN BARBA PREDICTED FINISH: 3RD
Newcastle Knights
Off-f eld turmoil regarding the privatisation of the club, is an unwanted distraction and the club will be hoping solid on f eld results provide the media with other stories. Handy pickups in Neville Costigan, Steve Southern and Beau Henry but nothing spectacular about this Knights line-up.
KEY PLAYER: BEAU HENRY PREDICTED FINISH: 15TH
Sydney Roosters
Did tremendously to reach the Grand Final. Slipped under the radar for much of last season, will be a targeted side in 2011. They will be faced with more challenges this season given the likely representative call-ups for many of their stars.
KEY PLAYER: MITCHELL PEARCE PREDICTED FINISH: 6TH
Wests Tigers
The Tigers have the best depth and most well balanced side in the NRL but do not always live up to the expectation. Their premiership window is open; anything less in 2011 will be disappointing.
KEY PLAYER: BLAKE AYSHFORD PREDICTED FINISH: 1ST
Parramatta Eels
Stephen Kearney comes to the club heralded as the next super coach, which may indeed be correct. But a coach is only as good as his players. Jarryd Hayne can do special things but he needs support. I see more quality in other sides.
KEY PLAYER: CHRIS WALKER PREDICTED FINISH: 13TH 82
South Sydney Rabbitohs
Greg Inglis has arrived at the club, with fans and directors signalling that the glory days are here again for the proud club. I do not share those views. In the days of the salary cap, a well balanced side beats a superstar any day.
KEY PLAYER: GREG INGLIS PREDICTED FINISH: 12TH
Melbourne Storm
A horror 2010 season following massive salary cap breaches. Not much depth and a crop of youngsters still a few years off their best, will see Melbourne miss the top eight, but they will cause sides a hell of trouble.
KEY PLAYER: BEAU CHAMPION PREDICTED FINISH: 10TH
St George-Illawarra Dragons
Last year’s premiers, will be in the mix once again, but I feel they will drop a rung or two. Always hard to go back to back and ref nd that hunger. But if anyone can, it is Wayne Bennett.
KEY PLAYER: ADAM CUTHBERTSON PREDICTED FINISH: 4TH
Penrith Panthers
Faded in last year’s f nals after an impressive season. Still a handy list of players but they lack one or two stars to really be a threat. They may scrape into the top eight, but will only make up the numbers.
KEY PLAYER: ARANA TUAMATA PREDICTED FINISH: 8TH
Manly Sea Eagles
Taking a huge gamble going in with inexperienced halves, Kieran Foran and Daly CherryEvans. In saying that they did so last season with Foran & Trent Hodkinson. Salary cap pressure is slowly depleting their squad following the success of recent years.
KEY PLAYER: WILLIAM HOPOATE PREDICTED FINISH: 9TH
Gold Coast Titans
The depth the Titans have will ensure they make the f nals again, but I can’t see them matching it with the top four sides. Great home form but need to transfer those
results to the away games.
KEY PLAYER: WILLIAM ZILLMAN PREDICTED FINISH: 7TH
North Queensland Cowboys
Salary cap history has shown having a superstar like Jonathan Thurston, can prove detrimental given he is taking up a third of the club’s wages. This ensures a lack of quality and depth in some areas. As a result, the Cowboys just won’t be up to it again.
KEY PLAYER: KALIFA FAI FAI LOA PREDICTED FINISH: 15TH
Canberra Raiders
The best young side in the competition. Josh Dugan is the next big star of the game, and will only get better. Once they make the f nals anything can happen.
KEY PLAYER: MATT ORFORD PREDICTED FINISH: 5TH
Cronulla Sharks
Will be better than last season after Shane Flanagan has had more time to stamp his inf uence. Money problems have affected their on f eld performances. 2011 will see them f ghting similar problems.
KEY PLAYER: WADE GRAHAM PREDICTED FINISH: 16TH Brisbane Broncos
Sacking your coach three weeks before the start of the season is not a great idea, and highlights the club’s problems. The Broncos missed the f nals for the f rst time in 2010, and I think they will make it two in 2011.
KEY PLAYER: BEN HUNT PREDICTED FINISH: 11TH
New Zealand Warriors
Probably the most underrated and well-balanced side in the NRL. The signings of Krisnan Inu, Feleti Mateo and Steve Rapira jumps the Warriors into top four calculations. If they can be consistent in their Australian travels, they will give the competition an almighty shake.
KEY PLAYER: JAMES MALONEY PREDICTED FINISH: 2ND BBM-598 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM
FOOTBALL
VIEWS
KARMA COMES QUICKER THAN EXPECTED SO Sir Alex is cursing himself for defending Wayne Rooney’s thuggish behaviour. Then again he also doesn’t seem to have a problem when Nani falls over for a free-kick even though the nearest player is several metres away. And how about Vidic and his skinhead aggressiveness. Karma has come back to bite Sir Alex in the ass, and it did not take long. Today it’s the Chelsea fans drinking red wine, courtesy of the Gunner fans who also feel they should be celebrating. So BBM would like to introduce Sir Alex to the new thug in town. His name is David Luiz and there is nothing he cannot do. When he was not pushing and blocking Rooney, he was attacking and scoring goals. Then at times you see him dancing around in midf eld. Yes, he did have
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a few bad tackles, but this is football, you win some, you lose some. Sir Alex would do well to remember that. The surprising thing is all this happened after Luiz got a good whack in the jewels early in the game. Of course a match lost by United would not be the same without hearing Sir Alex complain that the referees all have it in for his side and Wayne Rooney. You’ve got to admire his balls in sticking up for his
players, even when they are clearly in the wrong. Despite Chelsea winning, Carlos Ancelotti faces many challenges when it comes to dealing with his players - nothing more stranger than trying to defend Ashley Cole’s actions in shooting an intern, who happens to be a Chelsea fan. Now every time Ashley has the ball chants of “shoot” ring around the ground. - Lorna Evio
QUOTES OF THE WEEK “I’m appalled by this. Anyone in a position like you or me would have been arrested and put into custody. A two-week fine is just peanuts.” Paul Strong, headmaster at the William Farr School where Chelsea intern/cannon fodder Tom Cowan attended.
“One of our players has unfortunately decided to test his strength by having a little fight with a picture. I’m afraid he won and the picture was broken which is disappointing.” Roy Hodgson celebrates his first win as West Brom boss.
“He’s smashed one of the memorabilia. If you can’t control yourself by having to smash someone else’s property, because someone doesn’t shake your hand, then I don’t see that as an excuse.” Stoke chief Tony Pulis is less amused by the behaviour of Baggies defender Jonas Olsson.
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FOOTBALL
FEATURE
TAKING THE MIQUEL AS WE’RE constantly told by lazy commentators who should really splash out on a thesaurus, Arsenal versus Barcelona is a football purists’ dream.
16-year-old Miquel Toral Harper is the latest boy-child to fall for Wenger’s ‘do you wanna see some puppies’ routine, having been lured from Barcelona’s Academy with a cry of “ice cream, lollipops all free today”.
But what is a football purist? Someone who likes to see good football. Sounds like every football fan in the world to us. What they actually mean is that Barcelona versus Arsenal is a dream for fans who like to see world-class players attempting to walk the ball into the net. It’s not quite as catchy though.
Barca president Sandro Rosell described the move as ‘a little immoral’ and made his opinions forcibly known to Gunners chief executive Ivan Gazidis before the Champions League f rst leg between the two teams. “I love Barcelona, I love Catalonia – I have nothing against them, but when a player who is half English and Spanish wants to join us, why should we turn him down if it’s all legal?” shrugged Wenger in that way French people do.
Yet for two clubs with a seemingly similar ethos on the f eld, Arsenal and Barcelona don’t exactly see eye to eye off it. Blubbering Barca are still miffed over the Cesc Fabregas affair when, in a move inspired by the plot of Ghostbusters 2, Arsene Wenger hired an old ghost woman to f y through the night on a spectral bike to steal a crying Cesc from his Spanish crib while Pep Guardiola was distracted by Bill Murray. Well now it seems The Gunners are it
AT IT AGAIN: Arsene Wenger tempts another young footballer into his dug out. again. At least that’s what The Sun are claiming in a story we’re sure is in no way designed to hype up the interest in the Arsenal v Barcelona return game at the Nou Camp on Wednesday morning.
“If you go in the academy of Barcelona and you look where all the players come from, come back to me and we can talk about it.” Wenger’s comments are sure to infuriate Barca off cials even further... because he’s right.
TOP FIVE DUBIOUSLY ACQUIRED PREMIER LEAGUE YOUNGSTERS…
GAEL KAKUTA
CHELSEA Probably the Premier League’s most infamous poached youngster. His move from French club Lens to Chelsea led to the Blues being slapped with a hefty transfer ban. It was overturned on appeal and the 19-year-old is currently learning his trade on-loan at Fulham.
RAFAEL AND FABIO DA SILVA
MANCHESTER UNITED
Does this make it a top six list? Signed for United in 2007 from Fluminese, but as they were both 17 at the time they were unable to play in England until they reached 18.
JOHN OBI MIKEL
CHELSEA
Slightly confusing as he was poached twice, f rst by Man Utd, then Chelsea. United struck a deal when he was turning 18 to sign him from Norwegian club Lyn Oslo. Confusion followed, as Mikel had also agreed to sign for Chelsea. Mikel eventually joined Chelsea for £16 million, with £12 million going to United.
CARLOS VELA ARSENAL
Signed by the Gunners from Mexican side Guadalajara as a 16-year-old for a whopping £2.5 million in 2005, Vela had to be loaned out to Celta Vigo, Salamanca and Osasuna in his f rst few seasons at Arsenal, before receiving a work permit in 2008.
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FEDERICO MACHEDA MANCHESTER UNITED
A loophole in Italian football regulations means players under-18 cannot be legally tied to a club. Man Utd, therefore, greedily rubbed their hands together and snatched Macheda from Lazio’s clutches shortly after his 16th birthday. Still only 18, he’s currently on loan at Sampdoria.
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FOOTBALL
NEWS ROUND-UP
KOLO’S DOPE SHOW Joleon Lescott’s massive forehead was pulsating in excitement at the thought of more games for Man City following the news that Kolo Toure could be suspended for up to two years after testing positive for a specif ed substance. City conf rmed that the centrehalf had been suspended “pending the outcome of the legal process”. The World Anti-Doping Agency def nes a specif ed substance as one that is “more susceptible to a credible, non-doping explanation”. In other words, he can use the old ‘it was cough sweets’ excuse to get away with a caution. Michael Carrick’s reward for being the least talked about Man United player since Ronny Johnson is a new three-year deal keeping him at the club until the end of the 2013/14 season. “I am thoroughly enjoying my time at this great club,” he yawned. Mad Martin O’Neill and Aston ‘no ambition’ Villa will go to an arbitration tribunal to settle their dispute over his departure from the club last August. A League Managers Association statement read: “It has not been possible to resolve the dispute
concerning the termination of [O’Neill’s] employment. The matter has now been placed in the hands of the Premier League Managers’ Arbitration Tribunal.” In a confusing preemptive mind games move, Liverpool boss King Kenny has told United boss Sir Alex McTaggart not to bother trying to psyche him out because it doesn’t bother him. Which means he’s already thinking about. Which means it bothers him. “He has used psychology before in the pre-amble to matches. But he will only get sparring practice if he tries it on us,” said an in no way mentally vulnerable King Kenny to himself while standing naked in front of a mirror with his penis tucked between his legs. The impromptu Scottish civil war which erupted at Celtic Park last week has led to government intervention. Rangers had three players sent off, coaches Ally McCoist and Neil Lennon disappeared in a cartoon-fog of f ying feet and f sts and 34 fans were arrested in the aftermath of Celtic’s 1-0 win over the Gers. Alex Salmond, the Scottish minister for knee-jerk reactions, announced that a summit involving both clubs, the Scottish Government and
THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE!
the police will be held next week to discuss Old Firm matches. A motley band of leak-obsessed sheep def lers could soon be in charge of Wrexham FC. A meeting between the club’s owners, Wrexham council and the supporters’ trust has paved the way for fans to take charge of the club based in north Wales – which as we all know isn’t the real Wales. Despite his side having fuck all else to play for, Gerard Houllier says he has no regrets about f elding a weakened side against Man City in the FA Cup after Aston Villa were spanked 3-0 by Roberto Mancini’s side. “I told the boys your don’t have to be ashamed of the performance, you’ve done well,” said Houllier, proving he’s a liar as well as an idiot. Man United boss Sir Alex Rudolphnose has been charged by the Football Association with improper conduct after slagging off referee Martin Atkinson. Sir Taggart said he “feared the worst” when Atkinson was appointed for Tuesday’s game with Chelsea, which United lost 2-1.
with ace pundit Chris Kamara
“PETERBOROUGH United have trumped European giants like Man United, Barcelona and Partick Thistle by offering the most expensive season tickets in the game – at £15,000. Only 10 of the ‘Chairman’s Choice’ tickets are available for the 2011-12 campaign with fans who purchase one entitled to a seat in the directors’ box for every home match of the season - including cup games - where they will be able to tuck in to as many free pies as they like since all their food will be on the house. They will also be invited to an away match as a guest of one of the club’s directors, will be guaranteed a chance to meet the squad, and will even be awarded the title of ‘honorary director’ of the club. Unbelievable Jeff!”
WEEKEND FIXTURES Saturday 5th March Barclays Premier League Birmingham City v West Brom Arsenal v Sunderland Bolton Wanderers v Aston Villa Fulham v Blackburn Rovers Newcastle United v Everton West Ham United v Stoke City Manchester City v Wigan Athletic npower Championship Burnley v Crystal Palace Coventry City v Bristol City Derby County v Barnsley Leeds United v Doncaster Rovers Norwich City v Preston Nottingham Forest v Hull City Portsmouth v Sheff eld United Qpr v Leicester City Reading v Middlesbrough Scunthorpe Utd v Swansea City Watford v Millwall Cardiff City v Ipswich Town npower League 1 Bournemouth v Oldham Athletic Brighton v Carlisle United Bristol Rovers v Dagenham Charlton Ath v Tranmere Rovers Colchester v Southampton Hartlepool United v Brentford Leyton Orient v Notts County Peterborough v Exeter City Rochdale v MK Dons Sheff eld Weds v Plymouth Argyle Swindon Town v Walsall Yeovil Town v Huddersf eld Town npower League 2 Cheltenham Town v Chesterf eld Crewe Alexandra v Burton Albion Gillingham v Bradford City Hereford United v Bury Lincoln City v Accrington Stanley Morecambe v Southend United Northampton v Shrewsbury Port Vale v Macclesf eld Town Rotherham United v Barnet Stockport Cnty v Oxford Utd Torquay Utd v Stevenage Wycombe Wanderers v Aldershot Scottish Premier League Celtic v Hamilton Hearts v Kilmarnock Inverness CT v Motherwell St Johnstone v Hibernian Sunday 6th March Barclays Premier League Liverpool v Manchester United Wolves v Tottenham Hotspur Scottish Premier League St Mirren v Rangers
More pencil-moustached punditry and footballing facts next week folks!
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SPORT GUIDE 86
Contents PAGE 88 Football News: Kolo’s a naughty boy PAGE 86 Football Feature: Top f ve poached stars PAGE 84 Football View: With Lorna Evio PAGE 82 NRL Preview: A look at this season’s competition PAGE 80 World Sport: Cricket World Cup madness PAGES 78 & 79 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables
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