BBM Magazine March 12 2011 by bbmlive.com

CONTENTS ISSUE 599

The Cover

Review

GAGA FOR ICE CREAM - 8 The way BBM sees it, Lady Gaga wants control over the world’s food. First the meat dress, now breast milk ice cream, then... the world?

THE SOCIAL NETWORK - 12 It’s that damn f lm with the dude who wears f ip f ops. How did he become a billionaire? By saving money on shoes of course. And inventing some website.

Regulars

Interview

Sport

CARL COX - 10 BBM sits down with the legendary DJ on the eve of what will be a cracker of a gig next week in Melbourne.

CLUB RIVALRIES - 86 How good was the chaos between Celtic and Rangers? Our sports editor couldn’t contain himself. As a result, here are his favourite rivalries.

6 10 12 14 16 18 24 26 30 32 36 62 66 70 74 76 76 78 90

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GOSSIP INTERVIEWS REVIEWS WRAP SOAPS UK NEWS IRISH NEWS WORLD NEWS SYDNEY MELBOURNE PERTH RECRUITMENT CLASSIFIEDS HOSTEL LISTINGS CRYSTAL BALLS ASK CRYSTAL JOKES SCOREBOARD SPORT

BBM MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon

john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Ben Harlum

ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby

richard.gadsby@what-media.com

ONLINE EDITOR Hannah Shakir

hannah.shakir@what-media.com

CONTRIBUTORS Jeremy Williams David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Alexandra McIntyre, Ashley Moore, David Drummond, Sian Gammie, Alen Delic, Adam Santarossa and James Stapleton. INTERNS Sabina Campbell, Jaymes Peckham, Holger Synowzik, Allyson Taubenheim HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard

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GOSSIP THE SHEEN HAS WORN OFF QUITE frankly, if BBM was to name our ideal couple it’d have to be Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Without them, we’d have no gossip stories each week and Hollywood’s gutters just wouldn’t be the same.

is all Charlie - from the stalking neighbour to the house.

As you’ve no doubt already read, old Charlie has been f red from Two and a Half Men and at print the plan was for the show to continue without Mr. Tiger Blood himself.

Don’t worry - bigger shows have survived such changes. Look at Wonder Woman, whose f rst season was set in World War II before switching to the present-day (which included the freaky idea that the superhero was dating her dead exboyfriend’s son - played of course by the same actor. Gross)

But how good, exactly, would the show be without the leading man? The kid and the dude from Pretty in Pink are f ne but the show (which, in Hungary, is titled Two guys and a Small one)

So while BBM awaits the news that we’ve been hired as Charlie’s replacement on the show, we’ve dug through the archives to uncover our favourite celebrity breakdowns.

MEL GIBSON

nising racist BBM’s favourite woma arks at a Jewish rem h wis i-Je ant led yel left a bunch of cop back in 2006, and d-digging exgol for ails grizzly voicem ieva last year. girlfriend Oksana Grigor 8 / 10 on the Mad Max rates about Sheen scale.

BRITNEY SPEARS n been

akdow Never before has a bre surprising the so well-captured. After from modele orc div her h wit rld wo decided ters Brit ed, K-F husband view of full in d to shave her hea recovery, she paparazzi. Due to her Sheen scale. only gets 5 / 10 on the

EDDIE MURPHY

d way to Well, there’s never a goo xual prostitute explain why a transse ecially when LA is in your Toyota - esp you over. led pul e hav police that he was im cla to Eddie decided a lift home giving the poor hooker - what a ss’’ dne kin of act ‘’an as not even ’re we And an! good samarit 6 / 10 a... sag B l mentioning the Me

A SMOKING MOSS GAINS NO STONES OKAY. We’re all for the hating. But BBM would rather have Kate Moss at our staff Christmas party than most other models we can think of. She’s got our attention again this week after smoking on the catwalk during Paris Fashion Week. It’s against the law. Whatever. She’s hardcore. Not only was she smoking but she did so during a Louis Vuitton bondagethemed show while modelling tight hot pants, a black jacket with fur sleeves, bondage-style lace-up boots and leather gloves. Who the fuck was focused on the cigarette?

MICHAEL RICHARasDS

The man once known a Kramer took offence to rican me n-A ica Afr of ple cou crowd to hecklers, treating the de Mel a racist diatribe that ma laughs Gibson blush. He got eared in the end - when he app to d trie and an on Letterm ng apologise. He was bei ed serious. He later parodi r You rb Cu on nt ide the inc k of Enthusiasm, but the lac its his a second meltdown lim Sheen the on 10 / 7 a to ng rati scale.

JR. ROBERT DOWNEYof the tunnel, Old Iron

light at the end Proof that there’s always ich sent him his drug addiction wh me rco ove to ed nag ma by police Man ght cau s wa he ere s bed - wh . He bed straight to his neighbour ld’s chi a s wa nts because it back in 1996. Extra poi rcoran State Prison Co ’s rnia lifo Ca at r yea ended up spending a a mere 4 / 10 on red - which gives him but has now fully recove . bby Bo ry, the Sheen scale. Sor

Some people pretended to care. Most others just tried to look down her top. According to reports the model also looked “pale and gaunt.” No shit. When Louis was asked for comment he said, “Kate Moss was there? She was smoking? I just thought the mic stand was on f re.” Bitch.

ONCE a douchebag, always a douchebag. Kanye West has once again humiliated himself. Surprise! This time he chose Paris Fashion Week for his session of public humiliation. Once he was told he was not able to attend a show he decided to force his way in anyway. As you do. He was then escorted from the property while screaming “I’ma let you f nish Louis, but Valentino had one of the best bags of all time! Of all time!” Those are designers right?

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SAT MARCH 19TH BY POPULAR DEMAND!

PAUL KALKBRENNER (GER)

C LU B J U N Q U E : J O N O FE R NAN D EZ : DAVE STUART SAM R O B E RTS : R O B B I E C O R D U KE S : JAKE H O U G H ! ! 1ST RELEASE S O L D O-U T$15 / 2ND RELEASE S O L D O U-T $25 / FINAL RELEASE - $35

ALL TICKETS ALREADY PURCHASED FOR PAUL KALKBRENNER IN THE CAVE AT CHINESE LAUNDRY WILL BE VALID FOR ENTRY TO THE GARDEN PARTY!

MOSHTIX.COM.AU

GOSSIP BBM will never change to get a woman. Especially if that woman has a dollar sign in her name. But lucky for us we won’t have to. Ke$ha wants us to keep our feral mullet and she’ll still fuck us. Winning! In what reeks of a desperate attempt to win some Australian hearts, she claims she is still looking for an Aussie boyfriend, “The mullet is the new beard for me. I have a special place in my heart for the mullet.”

SO. One guess which “celebrity” father is taking his daughter’s place in a rehab centre? The more BBM hears about Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay, the more we understand why she turned to drugs, booze and petty thieving in the f rst place. This self-righteous wannabe C-list celeb is more hypocritical than Father Ted Haggard could ever hope to be. After his attempt to push Lindsay into the

GAGA’S A RIGHT OLD TIT ?

SEPARATED AT BIRTH

That’s a coincidence. Because BBM has a $pecial place in our heart$ for rich women with bad ta$te. The terrible speller is here for Future, to promote her new single and to complain about the fact that she’s single. Boo hoo.

spotlight to satisfy his own cravings for fame failed miserably, he’s now trying to hog the limelight by checking into rehab himself.

LAST WEEK you may have caught BBM’s take on the breast milk ice cream being released in the UK. It was to be named ‘Baby Gaga’. Did anyone ask the weird one for permission? Oh no. Is she happy with the parody? Oh hell no! She’s sent a cease-and-desist letter to the ice cream maker, with her spokesperson commenting that “the food product may be unsafe for human consumption, owing to the risk of it carrying such viruses as hepatitis.”

And, as he could hardly take a shit without trying to get a story printed, he is of course having it f lmed for Celebrity Rehab with Doctor Drew.

Geez, if Gaga was so hung up on diseases she wouldn’t have worn that meat dress - or f lmed the Telephone video in a jail.

We think Drew is really taking liberty with the word ‘celebrity’ there.

Hell, BBM is permanently diseased after watching her video for Born This Way. Maybe we should sue?

“He hasn’t got a leg to stand on,” said Lindsay, as she racked up another line.

BBM-599 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

INTERVIEW

EEKER S E H T F O D N E G E L AIG HORNER CR

ner is the lead in Australian Craig Hor , an action-adventure Legend of the Seeker on the Sword of television show based ght up with him to Truth novels. BBM cau son, which has just talk about the f rst sea hit DVD stores. about the show? What can you tell us hard Cypher, whose I play a guy called Ric a bigger destiny. a woodsman but he has w about it until he However, he doesn’t kno and what’s called a meets a great wizard girl who is seeking him Confessor, which is a destiny. out to tell him about his tined to kill a tyrant of He learns that he’s des show as a young man the off ts star he so , evil ures into the man he is and he eventually mat fated to be. l training for the I’d imagine the physica te intense? role would’ve been qui Zealand, where the When I f rst got to New lled up our days with show is f lmed, they f training, which was very ght f and g ridin se hor cool. d go and learn how In between scenes, we’ things like that. All ous vari and bow a ot to sho

rs are the same people of the stunt coordinato s and Xena: Warrior who worked on Hercule some amazing people Princess, so we’ve got to help us out.

a and Hercules Were you a fan of Xen growing up? s and Xena all the I used to watch Hercule e shows as a kid and time. I grew up on thes e a little tongue-inI love the way they wer t we wanted at that cheek. I think that’s wha serious, so it was time. Things were a bit ch these people with fun to escape and wat incredible costumes. incredible strength and y shows in Are you a fan of fantas general? f . I watched Star I love fantasy and scia kid and I was also a as s time ion mill a rs Wa g Barbarian and anythin big fan of Conan The all. I’m a real sucker for it d love I . rds swo with lms like The Princess awesome adventure f movies really got to me e thes of All . too e, Brid as a kid. of The Legend of The very f rst season t le in DVD stores righ ilab ava is ker See the now.

INTERVIEW

CARL COX When: March 18th rne Where: Billboard, Melbou Cost: From $35

Quite possibly the world’s number one DJ, Carl Cox is returning to Melbourne’s Billboard next week. This time, he’ll be introducing us to his “The Revolution Continues” concept which was the most successful club night in Ibiza in 2010.

BBM’s JAYMES PECKHAM caught up with the man to discuss. What would you say sparked your interest in music? To be honest I think a lot of it has to do with the curiosity of it at a young age. When my father used to play his records; whether it be county, western, blues or rock and roll, I was very interested in the styles of music. What would you say has been your best work as a DJ? I think, wherever I’m playing be it a wedding or a birthday party, a big festival or a race, my goal is for people to be left with a big smile on their face when I’m done.

I suppose a really good example of that was when I played for 1.8 million people at the Berlin f oat parade in about 2002. I never thought I’d see myself in a position like that in the driver’s seat, to have this many people listening to my track, my every mix, but here I am, and for me that was def nitely one of the highest pinnacles of my career. When can we expect your next album to hit? I’ve been working on an album for the last year and a half, I’ve actually been working with two producers from Melbourne called David Carbone and Josh Abrahams, it’ll be released by September this year. I’ve been road testing the tracks over the last year to the point where I’m very happy and the people have been rocking out to them even though they didn’t even realise they were Carl Cox tracks. Finally, what is the top priority on your Bucket List right now? Just to try and make as much time for myself as possible. I’ve always gone and made everyone else happy and made hardly any time for me so at some point in my life I’m going to put some time aside for myself.

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REVIEWS FEEDER

THE SOCIAL NETWORK CAST

Jesse Eisenberg Justin Timberlake

DIRECTORRELEASED

David Fincher (Se7en)

RATING

ALBUM

Renegades

Now

DVD & Blu-Ray (M)

RELEASED

SINGLES

Call Out Renegades

In Stores & Digitally

serves a purpose and is an integral part of the story - imagine the f lm before it hit the editing booth!

SURELY I can’t say anything more about The Social Network - especially after the Oscars. But I’ll try. The Social Network lives up to the hype - particularly the Oscarwinning script (which I presume was 2,000 pages long). The West Wing creator Aaron Sorking manages to cram a ridiculous amount of information and dialogue into the f lm without making you feel lost, which is pretty impressive for a two-hourlong f lm that doesn’t take a break.

named after the side project.

The one f aw that needs mentioning is that Eisenberg’s Mark Zuckerberg is so damn unlikable. He doesn’t care for money or girls (don’t ask me why) and just wants to be known for something - normally heroic traits in f lm but here, Zuckerberg comes across as totally obnoxious. As a result, you begin to sympathise with the bad guys - which prevents the f lm from reaching the elusive f ve-star rating.

Also, what’s the deal with those bloody f ip-f ops Zuckerberg wears? I don’t know what it says about him that it was his footwear of choice, or what it says about me that his footwear annoyed me so It may be two-hours-long but The Social Network never feels too long much. Ben Harlum and never loses steam. Everything

NEWPORT’S Feeder may have abandoned their rockier sound in favour of the mainstream pop market when they released their third album Echo Park back in 2001 before entering the melancholic terrain post drummer Jon Lee’s suicide in 2002. Yet, having lost drummer Mark Richardson back to his original band Skunk Anansie, founding members Grant Nicholas and Taka Hirose recruited Karl Brazil and set about doing rockier shows under the new band name Renegades. The move would prove only temporary, as the trio return to the group’s original identity to release their seventh studio album – aptly

INTERVIEW

Father Ted’s

ARDAL O’Hanlon

Irish comedian, actor and writer Ardal O’Hanlon talks to BBM’s SIAN GAMMIE about his upcoming Australian Tour, life after Father Ted and why he’d rather be called Frank.

What should we expect from your Australian tour this year? It’s a show that I’ve been doing for the last year or so. It’s a show about life. Well, it’s really just me trying to make sense of the world. A world that gets increasingly more confusing every month. It’s stuff about everything. The world, life, relationships. When did you decide you wanted to get into comedy? I just never really wanted to go to work. I really just had this genuine aversion to work. I kind of drifted into it, one thing lead to another and before I knew it, it was my job and it was my life, you know 24 hours a day. So is that the reason you started The International Comedy Cellar in Ireland? Absolutely.

RATING

Now

While Feeder may be on the softer edge of the current Soundwave line-up, Renegades proves that the trio can more than hold their own when it comes to rocking out. For those who fell in love with Feeder during their sensitive season, Renegades may come as quite a shock but for those who have been intrigued from day one, the album marks a welcome return to well-trodden terrain. While Nicholas lacks the colour to his voice that ballads allow him to explore, Renegades is packed to the brim with moshing moments and riotous rant-alongs. Feeder are a band who have never relented nor disappointed. Renegades is the latest in a long line of impressive recordings. Jeremy Williams

We just wanted to do this new kind of comedy and we just sort of made it up as we went along. Not with any great expectations, that’s important to note [laughs]. We really were doing it for our own amusement. And it just sort of went from strength to strength. One of my favourite things you’ve said was, “Hi my name’s Ardal, for want of a better name.” What would you rather be called? Pele? I dunno [laughs] I actually use the pseudonym “Frank” quite a lot. When I ring for takeaway Chinese my name’s Frank. I’ve never heard of it. I just assumed it was Irish. It is an Irish name, it is. It’s the f rst thing people ask me “that’s a weird name, where’d you get a name like that?” It is actually a really old Irish name. And it literally means “Great Courage”. Have you been living up to it? Not at all, no. It’s totally inappropriate. Ardal O’Hanlon will tour his show in April with dates in Perth, Sydney, Adelaide and Brisbane as well as appearing as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

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THE WRAP

WEEKEND WEEKS IN TOTAL BOX EARNINGS RELEASE OFFICE

FILM

THE British India lads are ready to tour the country to support their new single - joined by Boy In A Box on selected dates. March 25: Bended Elbow, Geelong 26th: Corner Hotel, Richmond April 8: Governor Hindmarsh, Adelaide 14th: The Zoo, Brisbane 16th: The Annandale, Sydney 21st: The Entrance Leagues Club May 28: The Rosemount, Perth

1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3

HALL PASS

ADJUSTMENT BUREAU $2

I AM NUMBER FOUR

PAUL

£1

£12

KING’S SPEECH

£1

£42

GNOMEO & JULIET

£0.8

£14

RANGO

$38

ADJUSTMENT BUREAU $21

$21

$10

BEASTLY

$10

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

$ IN MILLIONS

TIM & Jean’s touring presence has grown steadily ever since their f rst gig at Parklife. They have made multiple festival appearances as well as support slots for Moby, La Roux, Goldfrapp, and Art vs Science. Next up? A new album and tour dates. 9th April: Amplif er, Perth April 16th: The Toff in Town, Melbourne April 23rd: Jive Bar, Adelaide April 29th: The Globe, Brisbane April 30th: Oxford Arts Factory Sydney

1 2 3 1 2 3

RIHANNA

S&M

JENNIFER LOPEZ

ON THE FLOOR

Where: Laugh Garage Park Street, Sydney When: March 24 to 26th Cost: $15

LAST WEEK

2210

BORN THIS WAY

LADY GAGA

ADELE

JESSIE J

PRICE TAG

RIHANNA

S&M

SOMEONE LIKE YOU

1 2 3

AMERICAN comic Matt Iseman has been the “go-to guy” for shows such as The Drew Carey Show, NCIS and MAD TV. Just don’t hold him responsible for Transformers 2.

FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

HIGHEST WEEKS IN POSITION RELEASE

MUSIC

LADY GAGA

CEE LO GREEN

BRUNO MARS

BORN THIS WAY FUCK YOU GRENADE

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

ON BBMLIVE.COM THIS WEEK LONDON FASHION WEEK: MENSWEAR “The f nal day of London Fashion Week saw menswear day. A slow start to the day as per usual, after many a womenswear closing party, Somerset House was awash with menswear editors of the esteemed fashion press.”

COMPETITIONS AFTER rocking tens of thousands of screaming fans at Melbourne’s Etihad stadium on New Years Eve, the planet’s reigning #1 DJ and international Trance superstar, Armin Van Buuren, is on his way back to Australian shores for another exclusive, one-night only affair that’s simply not to be missed. BBM has two double passes to the Sydney show to give away.

DUE to an incredible response, Paul Kalkbrenner is moving his show to the more spacious surrounds of Chinese Laundry’s famous Garden. Moving Paul to a full Garden Party event means there are also more f nal release tickets available - and BBM has a couple to off oad to a lucky reader.

BBM has UFC fever and there’s only one cure - more cowbell. Wait, that’s not right. The cure is the brand new UFC Collector’s Edition: Volume 13 DVD pack - which BBM has f ve copies to give away! Featuring UFC 98, 99, 100, 101 and 102, this pack includes f ghts from Brock Lesnar, Randy Couture and Wanderlei Silva.

THANKS to our friends at Sydney FC, we have a Sony MP3 Walkman and a copy of FIFA 2010 on your console of choice (PS2, PSP, Wii or XBox 360). This is all to celebrate a special BBM membership offer - purchase a Sydney FC AFC membership before March 2nd and watch three games for only $45. Too easy!

TO ENTER ANY OF THESE COMPS, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/COMPETITIONS.HTML 14

BBM-599 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SOAPS CORONATION ST.

GRAEME IS shocked when Tina suggests that he marry her friend Xin in order to keep her in the country. Meanwhile, Kylie’s expecting a

EastEnders

job in David’s salon, but when Audrey reveals there’s no position for her, it becomes clear he’s exaggerated his part in the business.

SHIRLEY f nds out about Phil and Glenda’s affair and Glenda demands blackmail money from Ian, but he decides to tell Jane the truth about his affair.

Audrey is horrif ed when one of her elderly clients dies and makes a decision that will send shockwaves through the Platt family.

Elsewhere, Kat and Alf e organise a birthday party for Shenice where Tiffany and her become friends.

It’s a happy result for Fiz when the hospital says that baby Hope is well enough to come home, and she frantically prepares the house. The Websters fall into chaos as they wait for news on Sophie, but will she pull through?

Later, Alf e returns to hear that Martina is back with her boyfriend and that she has taken Shenice away. Kat tries to act as if she doesn’t care, but later in the week, when they receive a text from Shenice thanking them for the birthday, Kat’s true feelings

emerge. Meanwhile a romance continues to blossom between Jay and Abi.

Nine days to the wedding, and it looks like Christy still thinks it’s going ahead! Bob requests an invite to the big day, but it falls on deaf ears. Louie accuses Carol of being in love with her f ancé, so Christy makes a big demonstration of his love for Carol to Louie. However, Carol gets overwhelmed at her hens party, with a mild panic attack on her nuptials. Oh dear! Smell the scandal! TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

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HOLLYOAKS + Elsewhere drama has hit the McQueen’s when William turns out to be the estranged father of Mercedes, Jacqui and Theresa. But when he mentions that he’s in need of a kidney transplant, will his daughters help? Later he pretends to collapse in the village to back up his supposed kidney problem, but Ethan becomes suspicious sees him ordering a whiskey in the pub. THIS WEEK Carl Costello becomes increasingly suspicious of Heidi, when she buys some shirts, and “Jason” wrongly assumes they’re for him, and later wonders why Gaz is upstairs in their f at above the pub. 16

Elsewhere Cindy returns to the village, and Tony is gutted when it is her who has bought the salon from him, but her rich elderly husband is nowhere to be seen.

Emmerdale AS JIMMY meets more of the villagers, he becomes aware of how much history he is missing from his life. He f nally f ips out at Nicola saying he doesn’t have feelings for her, leaving his wife heartbroken. Meanwhile, Cain accosts Charity on her way to work and tells her that Jai tried to pay him off. A furious Charity then lays into Jai, claiming that she can’t be bought and sold and if he goes behind her back like that again, it’s over. Later, she changes her tune when she publicly humiliates Cain, telling him that Jai is a real man unlike him. However it would appear that she’s pushed Cain too far this time. Cain leads Charity to a hotel

and attacks her but then stops and begs her for another chance. Cain is left a broken man. However is he really going to lose Charity to Jai that easily?

BBM-599 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

UK NEWS THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH FOLLOWING the death of her elderly mother, Mary Tetley used her £10,000 inheritance to help ease the grief the only way she knew how – by blowing it all on a three-month chocolate binge. We’re sure it’s what she would have wanted.

said Mary, while tugging a chain attached to Princess Leia in a gold bikini and licking her chin with a giant slobering tongue. Predictably the mum of one, from Denbigh, North Wales, is now opening her own chocolate shop.

Fat bitch Mary (right), who put on two stones, ate her way round Europe’s choccie hotspots, including Belgium, Switzerland and France. “Chocolate has always been my allconsuming passion. I was eating at least 12 luxury sweets every day. It was pure bliss,”

She said: “Mum told me to live my dream and that’s what I’ve done.” Coronary problems anyone? We get the feeling the feeling her daughter might be receiving an inheritance of her own very soon.

NO MERTH IN LUNG CANCER BACK in the days when BBM was a young rookie reporter with dreams in our head, a passion for news and an ambition to make a difference, we were sent to Merthyr Tydf l. It scarred us for life. We came back the bitter and cynical word-monster you see before you, spouting f lthy profanities with every sentence as we struggled to come to terms with a world that allowed such a shithole to exist. So what to do if you’re a kid in, off cially, Britain’s most deprived town? Take up smoking apparently.

ers’ who don’t start until they’re 10 or 11. One lad even got hooked aged three because his grandparents thought it was funny to give him fags.

A new NHS report has found that the average age for taking up smoking in Merthyr is nine. And that’s ‘average’ age, with the study f nding that a lot of poor bastards pick up the habit even earlier to make up for the ‘late bloom-

“Unfortunately it is realistic. I had a patient who started between two and three,” said researcher Tracey Bowen. “His parents gave him cigarettes because they thought it was funny.” Now BBM isn’t exactly known for shying away from controversy when it comes to humour, but even we’d think twice about raising a chuckle by giving our offspring lung cancer.

THE FLASH: SUPERHERO “BANG! And the dirt is gone!” claims Barry Scott as he hawks Cillit Bang in that slightly naff advert. And while Cillit Bang might be good at wiping the scum off bathroom taps, is it any good at getting scum off the streets? Thought not – that’s why Flash is the cleaning detergent of choice for plucky pensioners June Cawkill and Norma Doherty, who used a bottle of the washing f uid to fend off an armed robber. 18

The pair were working at Millgate Service Station when a man threatened them with a knife and demanded money from the till. ”I’d been cleaning the shelves so I had the Flash with me,” said June. “I wasn’t really thinking what I was doing, but I hit him a few times with the bottle and he ran out the shop. It was all very amateurish. I don’t think he had given it much thought.”

DAF LOT IT GETS worse for Colonel Gaddafi. Not only is the powermad Libyan dictator on the brink of sparking a near-genocidal civil war, now a bunch of arsehole students have set up camp in North London mansion. The squatters, calling themselves Topple the Tyrants, moved into the property which is supposed to be for Gaddafi’s son Saif. They draped a banner reading “Out of Libya, out of London” on top of the £11million Hampstead Garden Suburb property. A spokesman for the group of anarchists said: “We don’t trust the British government to properly seize Gaddafi’s corrupt assets. We want to make sure the property goes back to Libyan people.” They invited Libyan refugees to join them in the mock-Georgian house which has a swimming pool, cinema and spa bath. Sounds like hell. Stay strong brothers!

OLNEY YOU ENGLAND’S oldest pancake race was held again last week – 566 years after the f rst one. The village of Olney in Buckinghamshire claims the race dates back to 1445, when legend has it a stressed-out Olney housewife heard the Shrove Tuesday church bells and stormed through the streets, still cooking her pancakes, arriving just in time for the service. Sounds like a load of old bollocks to us, but gullible womenfolk from Olney have been tossing pancakes in the village square every Shrove Tuesday ever since. The last time BBM started tossing in the middle of town we… (censored for legal reasons)… right in her eye!

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UK NEWS BOURNE TO JUDGE JUDGE Dredd may have the cool outf t, a healthy comic franchise and a f ying motorbike, but when it comes to tackling crime head on, heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a pussy compared Judge Douglas Marks Moore. The 60-year-old Londoner was wearing full judge regalia, including that silly blonde wig they all have, while presiding over the case of sex offender Paul Reid - when the defendant gave an evil cackle (possibly) and made a bolt for the door. Quick as a f ash, Moore jumped from his box and a Jason Bourne-style chase scene ensued â&#x20AC;&#x201C; so long as you can imagine Bourne wearing a dodgy wig and

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Together they went down three steps and then Mr Reid broke free and ran down the judgeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s corridor. â&#x20AC;&#x153;The judge gave chase. Just as Mr Reid was about to open a push-handle f re door, Marks Moore rugbytackled him around the throat and waist and brought him crashing to the ground, landing on top of him.

ridiculously long red robes. You might want to grab some popcorn as Prosecutor Rupert Gregory takes up the rest of the storyâ&#x20AC;Ś â&#x20AC;&#x153;As he went through the door, his honour Judge Marks Moore grabbed him round the throat to try to bring him down,â&#x20AC;? said Gregory.

WHAT does it take to get into Oxford University these days? Well it helps if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not a circus dwarf who pulls vacuum cleaners around with his genitals apparently. Keen-minded readers might remember a similar story we brought to you a few weeks ago involving the same pint-sized penis puller and his freaky friends - who were banned from performing at a festival because one of the acts smoked on stage.

â&#x20AC;&#x153;He held him there, struggling and protesting, until the prison off cers managed to catch up, secure him and return him to custody.â&#x20AC;? Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not known if the judge f nished off with a classy one-liner like: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Case dismissed!â&#x20AC;? or something.

been banned from the prestigious Uni after being deemed â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;inappropriateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;. The decision angered Dan, who in no way made his situation even more laughable by saying: â&#x20AC;&#x153;I have a brilliant resumĂŠ after featuring as an Ewok in a Star Wars f lm and various Muppet movies as a f ying teddy bear.â&#x20AC;? You told them Dan!

Well now hobbit-tastic Daniel Blackner has

LUCKY bastard Steve Whiteley won ÂŁ1.4million on the horses this week - with just a ÂŁ2 bet. It is believed to be the biggest win ever for such a small stake. The 61-year-old heating engineer picked all six winners at one race meeting to claim the Tote jackpot.

Hard-up Steve went to the race at Exeter with seven pals from his local after hearing it was free to get in, and he could use his bus pass to get there. He at f rst planned to pick two horses from each race. But when he realised it would cost ÂŁ32, decided on just one apiece.

A FOUL-MOUTHED nursery assistant from Loughborough described a five-year-old girl in her class as a â&#x20AC;&#x153;fucking twatâ&#x20AC;? in a phone message to the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mum. Pat Smith, 57, phoned Katie Astleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s answerphone, left a message explaining that her daughter had accidentally taken the wrong bag home, and hung up. Or so she thought. Unfortunately, the phone was still on as she turned to a colleague and moaned: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Fucking twat took my bag home.â&#x20AC;? Pissed-off mum Katie said: â&#x20AC;&#x153;I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t believe it. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m absolutely disgusted someone who works with children can talk about one of them like that. If she says that about someone taking a schoolbag home, what does she say about kids that are naughty?â&#x20AC;? In fairness Katie, if that fucking twat of a daughter of yours hadnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t taken the wrong bag none of this would have happened.

BRITAINâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S biggest burger has gone on sale on Norwich. At around 30cm in diameter and containing a staggering 40 slices of cheese, the Over De Flames Burger poses a gut-busting challenge for even the hungriest of customers. To tempt people into it, restaurateur Sudeep De is offering ÂŁ200 in cash to anyone who f nishes it within two hours. The inevitable heart by-pass surgery is also on the house. Sadly itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s got nothing to do with Delia Smith, otherwise we would have loved to have seen the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s be having you!â&#x20AC;&#x2122; marketing campaign.

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UK NEWS BAD MEDICINE A 38DD NURSE has quit the NHS after it was revealed she was also working as an escort. Talk about sexual healing. Phwoar! Emma Marsden, 35, was found guilty of advertising sex for sale as “Lucy Love”, but it wasn’t the nature of her side job that got her in trouble – it was the fact that she regularly called in sick so she could go and sex the crap out of some lonely arsehole with more money than morals. Shag-happy Cardiff lass Emma, who advertised herself as willing for sex with “gentlemen, ladies and couples”, claimed she was just exploring the possibility of a new career. “I’m not qualified in anything else and with three children I don’t have the time or

patience to retrain,” she said while blowing Jim Davidson. “So I let an ex-girlfriend advertise me on one site. The pictures she posted were personal.” An NHS panel refused to believe she was not a paid escort offering sex while on sick leave in 2008. “Working as an escort was inappropriate and brings the profession into disrepute,” said panel chairwoman Sue Sauter. “She’s been a very naughty girl and I’m going to have to give her wicked bum a severe spanking on my pay-to-view adults only website,” she didn’t add. On the plus side, we can use that nurse photo with good reason.

FUN fact: BBM failed our first driving test for driving through a small puddle at 30mph. According to the instructor, there could have been a nasty pot hole there. For years we just assumed he was an utter arsehole, but events in Shropshire this week have left us questioning our longheld resentment when a £24,000 4x4 Nissan Navara was driving on a main road and went through a puddle – that turned out to be four-foot deep. The Nissan duly nosedived into the puddle, injuring the three people inside. Owner Chris Nedic and his two passengers had to leap out the vehicle, fearing it would sink completely. “I thought I was a goner. We are both lucky to be alive,’ said his son, Chris Jnr, who was in the car. Shropshire County Council are set to fill the hole with 80’s TV comedians such as Cannon and Ball, and The Krankies.

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IRISH NEWS PIKEY FIGHT BEFORE they move to the Eastern Suburbs, most English people’s idea of the Irish community is based on the f lm Snatch. And if events in Dublin this week are anything to go by, it seems Guy Ritchie’s take on the Emerald Isle is pretty much on the money. For in the ‘pikiest’ story we’ve ever heard, a bare-knuckle boxing match arranged by two large gypsy families at a horse

fair erupted into violence and chaos in the city centre. The brawl then went up a notch when rival gangs started using sticks and iron bars to beat the crap out of each other while one man produced a slash hook and almost severed another’s arm. It only needed Steve Carrell throwing a trident at a man on a horse to complete the f ght scene from Anchorman. Dublin’s Lord Mayor Gerry Breen said yesterday he would write to the new Justice Minister about the need for legislation to abolish the Smithf eld Horse Fair. “God forbid if the horses panicked because of the gun shots. We’ve a Luas line running through there,” said Breen, while petting his two pet lurchers.

NAME THE DAY IN A clear-as-dishwater tale of true love, two brides effectively swapped surnames after marrying each other’s brother at a double wedding in Dublin this week. Confused? You will be when you hear their names. Oksana Stepanenko married Ksenia Khlivna’s brother, Anton, while Ksenia married Oksana’s brother, Denis. We suspect they might not be originally from Ireland. And just to make things even more fucked up, the four 20-somethings f rst met in Argentina, got to know each other as children in Buenos Aires, where their families moved following the break-up of the Soviet Union, and still often speak to each other in Spanish. Amazingly, the speeches still made more sense than the average Geordie wedding.

IN what could be more proof of Tiger Woods’ depravity, garda are investigating after someone put a golf ball in the thr oat of a corpse while it was waiting to be embalmed. Outraged coroner Dr Brian Farrell yesterday called the act of putting the ball in the throat of Kevin O’Doherty , who died of heart disease, as an “unconscionable and malicious intrusion into a death investigation”. We call it a bloody good shot. “I couldn’t see it. I tried to dislodge it, which I did. I found it was a golf ball,” said embalmer Joe Cronin said. Sounds like a fairway to go to us! (Editor’s Note – you’re fired). PSST. Hey Irish ladies, want a guaranteed way of getting permanent residency in Australia? Why not follow the lead of Waterford girl Rosemary Nolan? Nolan turned lesbian, married an Aussie girl and now her partner’s just given birth to quintuplets. That’s right. It’s a lesbe-baby fest! “We’re thrilled,” said open-minded granddad Paul, back in Ireland. “Once they’re okay, that’s all that matters.” IRELAND’S most famous amateur weather forecaster has predicted a white St Patrick’s Day. Rural postman Michael Gallagher, who studies nature to predict the weather and has far too much time on his hands, confirmed that a severe cold front, which is on its way, could result in snow ne xt week. “I even think that St Patrick could be white, never mind gr een, this year,” he said while sacrificing a goat to Pan.

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WORLD NEWS TEACHER SPECIAL

HUNDREDS of families will this week take their children out of school after being alarmed by the high number of news stories about fucked up teachers this week. Many mothers claim they want to protect their children from reading horror stories in the news. They’d be much better off being taught at home, where no one can teach them to read. “How do you read news? Isn’t it like, on TV?” asked one mother whose son was expelled from home-schooling after he was caught having sex with the teacher. Okay. We made that up. But it’s not far off.

THE STAPLE OF A GOOD EDUCATION AND over to America, yet again. A teacher is in a bit of strife after she sent a child home with his progress report stapled to his shirt. His mother claims he was humiliated and teased and if she wasn’t a lonely, poor, attention-seeking housewife she would sue. Boo Hoo. Back in BBM’s day we were caned,

whipped and made to sit with our nose up against the wall. And that’s if we were good. Kids these days just don’t know how good they’ve got it. Shagging teachers left, right and (most popularly) centre, porn stars teaching science, getting high at school excursions, mass murders on campus... Wait, what was the point we were making?

“WITH A KNICK KNACK PADDY WHACK GIVE A DOG A BONE…” IN Pheonix this week a 47-year-old teacher, Mr Trego, and another male were arrested after being caught using the internet to organise sex with dogs. Presumably they contacted the owners, not the dogs themselves. Poor Lassie. The pair didn’t know each other but had arranged to meet at a hotel with a dog and its owner. Luckily for Fido they were arrested before anything untoward happened. Both men have been ordered to wear an electronic monitor and can’t have contact

with animals. “That monitor looks great on you,” said the sick teacher, “reminds me of a f ea collar.” Trejo has been put on administrative leave at the West Phoenix grade school where he teaches music. His favourite songs are Who Let The Dogs Out, How Much Is That Dog In The Window and he reportedly worships Lil’ Bow Wow. Oh, and he hates the musical Cats. Alright, we’re done.

MRS HOLLAND’S OPUS A story that would’ve left the “writers” of The O.C. drooling is this gem from Parkway North High School, Kentucky where a student recognised his high school science teacher from a porn f ick. She has since been f red, to the utter dismay of every teenage boy at the school. It’s no surprise to teacher Tera Myers, 38, who has been f red for the same offence before. Like her students, she never learns.

According to peers, Myers was a great science teacher, often interacting with students. One child reminisced on his introduction to solids and liquids which involved an experiment with some silicon and a bunsen burner. Myers had a strict hierarchy in the classroom, often allowing students the privilege to prepare her lab (so to speak) before class. These positions were highly sought after and were known by students as “Fluffers.”

POLICE have charged a Leechburg Loyal Order of the Moose leader with smoking marijuana with high school students during a f eld trip. How a-moose-ing. According to reports, Frederick Joseph Ulmer III was smoking a joint while driving the students on a bus to their destination. Students claims he was sharing his stash with them and said they could smoke whatever they wanted as long as they didn’t tell anyone. Ulmer claims that the children on the excursion made the entire story up. He claims his contact lenses were very dry that day so it’s no wonder his eyes were red. The student evaluations gave glowing reports with most claiming it was the best excursion they’d ever been on. Meanwhile, what the fuck is a Loyal Order of The Moose?

APPARENTLY all you need to do to get away with sleeping with a child is prove that they made the f rst move. Teacher’s assistant Leah Davies has escaped pedo charges after being caught bumping uglies with her 15 year old student. The boy’s mother invited the teacher around to the family home after they became friends. After Mum went off to bed, Ms Davies and the sexy student watched a movie (presumably the porno that other teacher was in), drank vodka and then shagged in the living room. Davies was given a suspended sentence after the judge rules the kid was a babe and brought it on himself. “The complainant, if he can be described as such, was a gregarious young man who played in a band and was sexually experienced. “ “The experience was short-lived and required no coercion. He touched you f rst. He was not seduced or corrupted by the experience.” The student said he didn’t feel like he was forced, “we’d talk about f lms and bands, she was into the same music as me.” The Wiggles declined to comment.

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WORLD NEWS DON’T FORGET TO SHUT THE GATOR SOME excuses just never get old. Like the classic “I was just holding that cigarette for a friend,” or “No I wasn’t wanking, I was trying to f ick a spider of my cock.”

Devol has been charged with grand theft auto, altering a vehicle identif cation number, and killing an alligator without a license as well as the more serious charge of looking like a douchebag.

Works every time. BBM’s mother is still none the wiser.

He twat has been arrested eight times between 2004 and 2011 on charges including probation violations, carrying a concealed f rearm and aggravated battery on a pregnant person whom we presume to have been Bo’s wife.

Not sure this tactic had the same effect on U.S. authorities recently when they caught Calvin lee Devol driving a stolen car and carrying a stolen rif e. It started out well when he claimed he got the rif e off a guy named “Bo” and the car off a “Blue Eyed Cuban.” Police were satisf ed - who wouldn’t be?

The 29-year-old is now sitting in his cell waiting for the blue-eyed Cuban to come and pay his $9000 bail.

“I didn’t kill the alligator,” he tried, “It was given to me by a coworker.”

THE DOG DAYS ARE OVER Twin Peaks resident Brant Bater is currently regretting his decision after accidentally shooting his wife instead of his dog. Detective Steve Pennington said at f rst they were skeptical but after seeing the man’s wife they could understand his mistake.

So we were naturally drawn to an American who was arrested last week after shooting a fellow driver in a road rage. You see, after arguing about a car crash, the man shot his foe several times in the leg. Witnesses told investigators that when the victim was lying on the ground, the shooter f red two more shots at him. It hasn’t been conf rmed that he used the line “Say hello to my little friend,” but if so he will be f ned accordingly. The man told police that he was actually quite compassionate, claiming that “I didn’t want to kill him. After I shot him, I made sure he was alive.”

But what about the dead alligator in the back with a bullet hole in its head?

WE really didn’t need more reasons not to marry an ugly American. But they’ve given us one anyway.

BBM was well-known back in school as a caring type of person. Sure, we may have injured a couple of people while playing sports but we always made sure they were okay, either with a friendly handshake or, if we had won the game, a celebratory dance.

The man was originally charged with manslaughter but the charges were changed to murder after police realised that he’d shot her right in the middle of the head. It was at this point that they started to doubt the man’s claims. Clever pigs. In his defence Brant stated, “I told her to stop eating out of the dog’s bowl but she didn’t listen. Between that and the dog jumping up into the bed it was a very confusing time for me.”

NEIGHBOURS in New York’s Lower East Side are raising a stink over the manure left on the streets thanks to the police horses that are patrolling the neighbourhood. The police have claimed that the manure is “biodegradable” because the horse only eats hay and grain, but the locals have poo-pooed that suggestion. “They leave a big buffet of shit, the same as dog shit - it’s smelly,” complained a local bouncer, as he scraped his shoe against the ground. John Cafaro, a clubgoer from New Jersey, said that the police needed to cut the crap, “You can have a poodle and get a $250 f ne. Cops will f ne a regular citizen who has a dog that produces a fraction of the amount of feces.” The Department of Sanitation have said it is not responsible for the clean-up of the horse manure, while the Police Department were too busy preparing for the shitight to comment on the situation.

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WHAT’S ON SYDNEY

Smart Arts Festival 2011 DO YOU consider yourself a budding artist? Or perhaps you are the next Francis Ford Coppola in the making? Well the Smart ARTS Festival 2011 is just place if you are a up and coming artist, designer, performer or f lmmaker. Smart ARTS is dedicated to showcasing there work of young adults with encouragement from a series of free workshops, art tours interactive installations and live performances. If you are between the ages of 15 and 26 then why not go along and you can take part. When: Until Monday 14th March Where: Pine Street Creative Arts Centre Cost: Free

YouTube Symphony Orchestra NOW when it comes to classical music you do not generally associate an orchestra with YouTube, however the YouTube Symphony Orchestra 2011 are ready to prove you wrong. This orchestra is comprised of talented musicians from all over the road, 101 to be exact. The catch here is that each person had to audition via. YouTube in order to secure a place with in the Orchestra. To gain a taste of an Orchestra with a twist, Sydney Opera House is where you will hear all of the popular classics. When: 14th – 20th March Where: Sydney Opera House Cost: $30

ALTHOUGH they are unsigned, Electric Empire are a band to be reckoned with. Dennis Dowlut, Aaron Mendoza and Jason Heerah could be likened to such soul greats as Stevie Wonder and Al Green but with their own unique, modern day twist that is sure to sooth your soul. When: Fri 18th March Where: Oxford Art Factory Cost: $20

IT WILL be a shock to know that Perth four-piece, Young Revelry have only been together a year yet their debut EP You & I has kicked up a storm. Set to further their popularity on their 2011 tour this month, this Indie Rock quartet really stands out from the crowd. When: Wed 16th March Where: Beach Rod Hotel Cost: Free

GET IN touch with your Jazz hands with the Urban Gypsies this week. This foursome fuse together to create a luxurious style of experimental jazz that is accessible to even the most anti-jazz of you out there. When: Thurs 17th March Where: 505 Club Cost: $10-$15

BRIT DUO Audiof y boast a delicious brand of techno house with a vein of electro that gyrates through it, making their sets guaranteed to accommodate all you ravers. This time around, they’ll be supported by Emerson Todd, Wolf & Lamb, Co-Op DJ’s and Jimmy Posters. When: Sat 19th March Where: Bella Vista Harbour Queen Cost: $45

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MELBOURNE NEWS ‘RAMBO: FIRST EAR’ YOU COULD almost liken this story to that of Rambo - a lonesome ex-soldier feared by society and hunted down like a savage for a merely trying to go about his life. However unlike Stallone, 30 year old Robert Rushby from Victoria decided to aim his vengeance at 19-year-old Jamie McAlpine by successfully bitting off his ear, giving Mike Tyson a run for his money. The incident took place outside of Davey’s Hotel in Frankston in 2008. After McAlpine tried to intervene in a f ght, Rushby’s feathers were ruff ed and it was down the laneway nearby that the attack took place.

Not surprisingly, Rushby complains of suffering from bi-polar and posttraumatic stress as a result of being a soldier. Naturally he felt this would be solved by a cocktail of drugs and a few crates of beer. In court, Judge Douglas stated of McAlpine’s ravaged lobe: “You told them to feed it to the seagulls.” What a great way of adding insult to injury. But in the end it was McAlpine who had the last laugh after Rushby was sentenced to f ve years in prison. BBM wonders if the seagulls enjoyed their dinner that evening?

NUDITY and cycling are not activities that you really put together unless you’re Queen. The thought of falling off and f nding yourself in the unfortunate situation of having your balls jammed between your bicycle chain makes it even more unappealing, but in Melbourne last week 150 nude cyclists bravely took to the streets. Starting in Northern Fitzroy the riders went on a 10km trip for the Fourth Annual Naked Bike Ride. Though they said it was in support of bike activism, here at BBM we reckon it was just as a chance to show off their nether regions to unsuspecting old ladies – you should have seen their faces! The event organizer said, whilst carefully untwisting her hair from her bicycle wheels; “I think people are titillated and excited to see people having so much fun.” Yes, there were quite a few tits to be titillated, it would seem. To complete their nude look competitors went to the effort of etching their bare bodies with slogans, popular ones included “Bike Love” and “Please Cycle Safely” Because people were really going to notice the slogans.

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WHATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ON MELBOURNE

AMAZINGLY, Carlos Santanaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s career has spanned over f ve decades and he has cemented his status as one of the most inf uential f gures in music. His astonishing talent for wowing the audience with his guitar abilities have anchored him into the status of rock legend. When: Wednesday 16th March Where: Rod Laver Arena Cost: From $104

TECH HOUSE DJ and pioneer Carl Cox is set to have your body moving at Billboard the Venue this month. Big in the game for over twenty years now, Cox is showing no signs of slowing down. When: Fri 18th March Where: Billboard the Venue Cost: From $35 STRAIGHT from the vibrant streets of New Orleans, the Rebirth Brass Band are a brass band with a difference. Effortlessly fusing elements of Jazz and Funk the seven strong set know how to liven things up. When: Wed 14th March Where: Dallas Brooks Conference Centre

UP-AND-COMING Melbourne three-piece, Boy In A Box will share a Tuesday night residency throughout March with Sydney group Dangerous. When: Tue 15 March 2011 Where: Northcote Social Club Cost: $8

THE ISLAND Accomodation - Big Wave Complex on Phillip Island is offering you lucky people a chance to see the peguins and experience all the Island has to offer for a bargainous $65.50, which also includes your accomodation! Where: Phillip Island Cost: $65 ($175.50 for Tour)

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WHAT’S ON PERTH

WITTY Australian Carl Barron invades Perth this week with his stand up show, One Ended Stick. This former roof tiler with a love for banana smoothies will have you sides splitting before you know it.

PERTH will be thinking all things food and drink with the Eat Drink Perth festival. Active at various venues throughout Perth, why not join in and with local musical talents to compliment.

When: Sat 19th March Where: Regal Theatre Cost: $49.50

When: Month of March Where: Various locations throughout Perth

ONCE big on the Breakbeat scene, Bassnectar has very much transferred over to the Dubstep side. Tearing up the f oor with his grinding basslines and electronic sweeps this one is not to be missed! He’ll be supported by Dr Space, Dead Vents and Skaha. When: Wed 16th March Where: Shape Cost: $30

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB 1 Holdsworth Street, Fremantle

ROSIE O’GRADY’S 205 James Street, Northbridge

ROSEMOUNT 459 Fitzgerald Street, North Perth

DURTY NELLY’S 397 Murray Street, Perth

THE NEWPORT HOTEL 2 South Terrace, Fremantle

MURPHY’S IRISH PUB 43 Mandurah Terrace, Perth

ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW 55 Lake Street, Northbridge

THE SHED 69/71 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge

HOTEL ROTTNEST 1 Bedford Avenue, Rottnest Island

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SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE

BY JEREMY WILLIAMS It is a good thing I can do mornings. I may not be a morning person, per se, but I can get up and function. I say this as my trip to Adelaide requires early starts. The f rst one being a 530 alarm in order to catch my f ight from my current home, Melbourne, to South Australia’s capital Adelaide, some 725km away. Not for me, the nine hour drive, or even the scenic route via the stunning Great Ocean Road, which to an extent connects the two very different Australian dwellings. My early start is to ensure my safe arrival at Tullamarine airport for my checkin. A late night packing (yes, I know, I should have been more prepared), means that as the alarm bell sounds for its third time, I reluctantly rise and hit the shower. As the warm water hits my face, it dawns on me that the day I have been so looking forward to has arrived. I shall be discovering another part of Australia. Somewhere so close to my adopted home city, but yet far enough that this trip has to date not taken place. My friends have prepared me to not expect too much. In their eyes, even those who hail from the not so widely celebrated city, Adelaide is no Melbourne. I should not be expecting the cultural hubbub that they also call home. However, as I board the small(ish) plane, I am sat next to a lovely lady in her sixties, who though now calls Tasmania home, is brimming with pride of the her birthplace.

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SOUTH AUSTRALIA Via a suggestion of a few f ne f llies she could introduce me to in Melbourne, she f lls me with excitement as my eyes get wider with the hunger to discover what she fondly refers to as ‘a big country town with a lot of heart’. Soon enough it is touch down. It doesn’t take long in Adelaide’s super eff cient, newly renovated and imaginatively named Adelaide Airport to collect my minimal luggage, before cabbing it to my hotel for the night. While Tullamarine is arguably close to Melbourne, Adelaide Airport is a mere f fteen minute drive from my hotel in North Adelaide. With the taxi driver kindly taking me via King William Street to point of places of interest (disappointingly Rundle Mall and its numerous shops is his personal highlight), I soon enough f nd myself at the slick Melbourne Street, my home for the night.

Melbourne Street is at the heart of North Adelaide, just a 15 minute walk through parkland from the heart of Adelaide. While many locals will advise the use of a tram or bus to shorten the distance, my personal advice is to walk as by the time you have waited for the transport to arrive, you will be halfway to North Terrace and lost in your thoughts as you walk along the River Torrens. While the parklands in themselves are pretty enough, what is immediately evident is that Adelaide excels in memorials. While War Memorial Drive is on the border between North Adelaide and Adelaide CBD, there are more than a handful simple memorial marks to take in on your amble. While my quick stroll left me feeling awake on the cusp of North Terrace, a quick look at my watch made me realise that a walk back to my hotel was more pressing than a meander through the city, for it was nearly time for me to head off on a mountain bike ride of Mount Lofty in the Adelaide Hills.

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A quick stop for a coffee at one of Melbourne Street’s quirky little cafes and a quick change into something more comfortable and I was ready to ride for my life. Now, before I tell you anymore about the Lofty Descents Tour, I ought to share my initial response to the experience. Okay, I am not adverse to a bit of exercise, I swim most days and enjoy a bit of a run occasionally, but though I enjoy cycling, I have never excelled. I would say I am not awful, but I am not much above average even if I am extremely enthusiastic. Thus, when I read that I would be seeing Mount Lofty on the back of a bike, I was part excited and part pooing my pants. A quick Google search informed me that Mount Lofty’s summit was 2,385 feet up and I imagined my hardened efforts to be of no avail as my bike slid from beneath me as I attempted the steep climb. So, it was with quite a large sigh of relief that I met Ian Fehler of Escapegoat Adventures as he presented me with the news that we would drive up and cycle down. Easy peasy, or so I thought. Ian informed me that he had

three potential routes planned, an easy, an intermediate and a challenging. We would be taking the intermediate, the route he uses 99% of the time. As we drove to the summit, passing cyclists four times my age effortlessly climbing the steep, a touch of mild shame came over me as I realised that really I am not as f t as I’d like to think. But none of that was important as we took the winding, scenic road to the top and stopped brief y to take in the view. From atop Mount Lofty, Adelaide’s petite presence becomes CONTINUED ON PAGE 42

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SOUTH AUSTRALIA more apparent, adding only to the belief that maybe there wasn’t as much to Adelaide as met my eye on my brief drive through. Maybe the taxi driver was right – Rundle Mall really is all Adelaide has to offer... But with Adelaide to be discovered later that day, the descent on bike began. With the insider knowledge that the f rst f ve minutes would be the hardest to undertake, I let my speed build and lost myself in the feeling of glee as Mount Lofty’s summit disappeared in the distance. While Ian’s tours normally take in Cleland Conservation Park, our taster tour would be little more than a toilet stop and a visit to the kangaroos and koalas. With the quick break a welcome relief, part of me could not wait to get back on the bike and test my skills. I had passed the diff cult terrain, or so I thought, and was ready for whatever lay ahead. While I will by no means make out that the descent is in any way dangerous

or diff cult, I, as an average cyclist did have some troubles. But unashamed to dismount and walk the one sudden drop, the experience was everything an adrenaline rush should be. Though not many koalas were spotted on the way down, at least not by me, I was concentrating too hard on staying on my occasionally f ying bike, I do confess to nearly jumping out of my skin when a Red Bellied Black casually slithered across my path. Thankfully breaking in time I avoided casualty and the f eeting meeting proved the perfect remedy to my occasionally shaky nerves as I continued my ride with a refreshed vigour. Slightly muddy but feeling revitalised rather than exhausted, we reached the conveniently central Bicycle SA where I said farewell to Ian and walked slowly back to my hotel for a shower. Though Ian had given me very simple CONTINUED ON PAGE 44

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SOUTH AUSTRALIA instructions to reach Melbourne Street, I soon discovered that they were needless as Adelaide is without doubt the easiest centre I have had to traverse. With a central area designed as square, King William Street runs right through the centre. It is the only road you really need to know in relation to where you are staying, as long as you f nd King William Street, the rest is beyond easy. Once again, I found myself strolling through the parklands and lost in my own thoughts. Another coffee beckoned before the hotel (blame the lovely coffee shops found along Melbourne Street and not my own weakness for caffeine), a brief shower and a cat nap later and I was ready to see what Adelaide at night had to offer. Rather

inevitably I found myself heading straight for the Rundle Street Mall. All my taxi driver had said about the famed mall made it irresistible. While I concede that the amount of high street stores that f ll Adelaide’s small centre is somewhat astounding, retail therapy was far from on the cards, though I was more than happy to bump into Rundle’s resident pigs (Horatio, Truff es, Augusta and Oliver) rumbling through the rubbish. Luckily, as I walk from one end of Rundle Street to the other, I stumble across Adelaide’s foodie quarter. A walk back and forth whilst deciding made it clear that Adelaide could more than compete in terms of gastronomic dynamism, before I plumped for an Italian. Eating alone in a restaurant is never my favourite past-time, as a social being I f nd myself listening too intently to the conversation of others and accidentally interrupting, but in Adelaide it appears that this social intrusion is acceptable and soon enough I had made some new friends. An enjoyable but at times awkward conversation later and I was once again

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wandering the streets alone. Now, it may be deceptive, but Adelaide’s welcoming demeanor makes solo street scouring at night feel secure. A few hours soon disappeared and my night time stroll back to my bed made me miss a hand to hold in what is a seemingly romantic setting. After waking alone in my more than generous double bed, a brief look out the window made it immediately apparent that my morning swim with the dolphins would be rained off. Somewhat dismayed, I decide the brave the adverse weather and head out to the Central Market for some breakfast. An initial hesitation sees me wait a couple of minutes for a bus, but by that time I am already wet through and so end up walking through the now muddy park instead. I reach the Central Market, located off the other end of King William Street to my hotel, I decide to dry myself out before quenching my ever growing hunger. The warmth of the busy marketplace proves a perfect distraction

from the days disappointment. While Australia seems particularly market heavy, Central Market’s relaxed, open approach makes it a close contender for the jewel in the crown. Brimming with fresh produce, cheap goods and cafes, it is hard to resist spending at each stop. Only just able to resist, I cave in to the hunger and sit myself down for a feast. Feeling replenished, I check the time and decide to brave the rain once again to head to the only place that had come highly recommended by my Melbourne buddies – the Gallery of South Australia. Adelaide may be known as the city of churches, but I would say it should be equally prominent for its artistic prowess. While the Adelaide Fringe and WOMAdelaide are celebrated global events, Adelaide is clearly brimming with artistic drive. I am not denying that other cities in Australia CONTINUED ON PAGE 46

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SOUTH AUSTRALIA have equal artistic interest, but the elegant Gallery Of South Australia fuses classic and contemporary seamlessly and stylishly. In fact, as the rest of my unscheduled free day would soon proves, museums are something Adelaide excels at. With the elegant North Terrace host to the core exhibitions, my personal highlights, aside from the aforementioned, are without hesitation, the Adelaide Jewish Museum and the aboriginal exhibition at the South Australian Museum. It is just a shame that I didn’t make it along to the Haigh’s Factory for a guided tour as I have no doubt that it would have effortlessly topped the list (especially if they gave me some tasters!) Lucky for me, my day would be ended by the opening of the Adelaide Fringe. Still unperturbed by the rainfall, I decide to start my evening at the highly recommended Dumpling King in Chinatown, alongside the Central Market. While their dumplings are supreme, a heads up to any fellow veggies, make sure you specify clearly that vegetarian means the lack of presence of any meat or f sh in your food! With my stomach satisf ed, a slow walk to the other side of the centre, to Rundle Street, the heart of the Fringe Parade proves eye opening as I discover the stunning Himeji Gardens on South Terrace. Yet with the rainfall unrelenting in its presence, my arrival at Rundle Street is met with the news that the parade has been postponed due to adverse weather. Disheartened I hear my stomach calling for some sweetness and treat myself to a slice of cake at the charming Chocolate Bean before heading home to rest my feet. Having stumbled through the majority of Adelaide’s innards the day prior, I decide that despite the grey skies overhead, a visit to the allegedly trendy beach suburb Glenelg would more than satisfy my lazy Saturday. While the clouds in the sky may have been doing the locale an injustice, I am forced to say that Glenelg is closer akin to Melbourne’s St Kilda than any of the golden beaches on the east coast. More a beach for tourism than for natural beauty, Glenelg is packed to the brim with cafes and cool boutiques, which on an overcast day prove more of a draw than the beach itself. Though easy to picture Glenelg on a gloriously sunny day, I would say it is safe to say that Glenelg is more a daytime escape than picturesque setting. Having wasted a few hours needlessly on the beach, the time to say goodbye to Adelaide is drawing ever closer. But before I say farewell to this quaint, charming country-esque city, I have to enjoy the Garden Of Unearthly Delights and the accompanying fringe festivities. To say the Adelaide takes the fringe to heart is an unfair understatement. When the fringe is in town, Adelaide is the fringe. Every nook and cranny is pouring performance from its core. With a queue to enter the Garden lasting longer than 2 hours, I chance my luck on a ticket to see British hip hop comedy duo Phlip Phlop (yes, I know they aren’t an Australian act but I did need a key to the gate) and am immediately allowed in to play. The Garden Of Unearthly Delights is beyond a child’s dream and a theatre lovers heaven. To end my days in Adelaide on this high note is more than I could ask for. A lacklustre show later, my high spirits are far from dampened as I head back to the hotel to pack. My brief trip to Adelaide has more than altered my attitude to this haven in the heart of Australia.

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QUEENSLAND MAGNETIC ISLAND LOCATED IN Northern Queensland and only thirty minutes from Townville, Magnetic Island is in a world of its own with endless delights to enjoy. Accessible via ferry from Townsville, Maggie (as the local people call it) was given its name by Captain Cook after he found the island to have a magnetic effect on his compass, although today Maggie is not known to possess any magnetic qualities. Not only does Magnetic Island lay host to an untouched national park dripping with exotic wildlife, it also has a tiny population

of 2,500 residents and a variety of resorts for your staying pleasure. But most fantastic of all it boasts, on average, over 230 sunny days a year â&#x20AC;&#x201C; paradise! Over the past month, the residents of that paradise have been frantically rebuilding and cleaning up after the destructive Cylcone Yasi. By visiting Maggie for your next holiday, not only are you visiting a true wonder but you are also helping the community get back on its feet. Here are BBMâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s favourite memories of Magnetic Island and our picks for the must-see spots if you visit in the future.

TRANSPORT

Just waiting to be discovered, Maggie can be easily explored on bicycle or by the local bus but as an added bonus there are various rental companies that give you the option of getting your buddies together and exploring by car, and the island is certainly not short of activities. Since the island is completely surrounded by ocean, taking to the water is a must and there are many methods of travel, which include by; jetski, canoe, kayak, aquabikes and surfskis if you want to liven things up a bit. However there is also a selection of relaxing cruise trips on offer for those of you not wishing to strain yourselves. (TURN TO PAGE 50)

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But to really get stuck in there, scuba diving offers a hand on experience which aids fi rst time divers and the professionals of you to explore the depths of the ocean with the likelihood of spotting dolphins, turtles, tropical fi sh and the reef itself under the safety of a qualifi ed instructor Furthermore, for those of you who prefer to not get yourselves wet then why not indulge in some fi shing and then eat your catch for dinner in the evening? Also on offer is horse riding, tennis and golf – though lawn bowls looks right up BBM’s alley. When it comes to wildlife, Bungalow Bay: Koala Village offer an extraordinary chance of getting to hold some of the local wildlife which of course includes the lovable Koala Bear which you are even able to get photographed with, so you can treasure the moment forever - Though the snake and crocodile handling is a scary business!

NIGHTLIFE

Then comes the evenings, and you will be relieved to know that there is a vast amount of entertainment on hand. Every few weeks Maggie is host to its own Full Moon Party (like the one in Thailand’s Ko Pha Ngan). This is a fabulous way of putting a memorable end your day along with hundreds of others, where you are accompanied by a selection of the fi nest DJ’s to really put you in the party mood. So whether it is sun and sand, partying and excitement or perhaps both, then Magnetic Island is sure to fi ll all of your needs, just remember to check beforehand what businesses are still operating and what ones are still rebuilding.

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QUEENSLAND NOOSA

SOMETIMES whilst traveling it is actually the smaller, more unspoiled places that really leave a lasting mark and Noosa is a prime example. Noosa is a mere 90 minute drive north of Brisbane and is a perfect getaway from the hustle and bustle of strenuous city life. Coming a long way from its roots as retiring f shing village it is now considered the perfect tourist spot for many summers. Whether it is surf ng, the wildlife or simply relaxing on the beach that you are after, well, Noosa can offer it all. With a suff cient amount of shops and cafes at hand you will not f nd yourself stranded, but the fact that there is not a single high-rise building in view will come as an added relief for many. Ripe with freshwater lakes, rolling hills, leafy forests and quaint beachside lagoons, the beauty that Noosa evokes is unmatchable and the chance to spot exotic wildlife, including the Koala, in the wild is an experience many can take away and remember forever. In the evenings Noosa comes alive, to a certain extent, bringing you an ample amount of fun and entertainment to reach your every need. Not only are there a vast selection of lively bars and restaurants on offer, thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s accomodation with bars that transform intoa music haven later on which is set to have you dancing till your drop. Come the next day you can easily revert to your previous ways of lying on one of the exquisite beaches and soaking up the rays â&#x20AC;&#x201C; what more can you ask for?

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QUEENSLAND 1770 PERHAPS THE East Coast’s most well kept secret is the sleepy town of 1770 which is coyly tucked away on the coast of Queensland. Again Captain Cook was responsible for the town’s unusual name which was inspired by the year in which he discovered it, 1963 – just kidding. 1770 is the perfect place to relax by the beachside and unravel in the sunshine just as Captain Cook did all those years ago. Bustard Bay is the prime place to do this, named after the local Bustard bird which Cook famously adored the taste of. The town of 1770 proudly brags over 280 days of sunshine a year which gives you plenty of time to get some sunbathing in. On top of this, the fact that backpackers are sparse it will mean that you will not have to battle to f nd decent accommodation for once. When you do come experience this unique little town, it is actually the neighbouring town that you will most likely f nd yourself staying in, Agnes Waters. Agnes Waters has a variety of affordable accomodation on offer and is also in walking distance to the nearest beach and shopping parade, bound to satisfy all of your needs. Agnes Waters is also where you are most likely to f nd the entertainment for the evenings, in which it is speckled with restaurants and bars. However for most it is the four National Parks that are the real drawing point. Giving you the ultimate opportunity to experience nature f rsthand, your best bet is to hire a four-wheel drive to reach the most mind-blowing locations, which are easily available. But the option of taking a guided group tour is also appealing as you are taken to the most breathtaking spots. On a more exciting note, when the times comes and you want a taste of something somewhat more exhilarating then why not f sh out a cool $55 and discover the town on a Scooter Roo. The fun aspect about this is that you and your friends (though you must be a qualif ed driver) can act and feel like a real bikers and discover the towns eclectic wildlife- though whether they will stick around with the sounds of a rowdy bike crew advancing towards them is debatable. 1770 also boasts the one of the only places where you can witness the sunset and rise on an ocean backdrop which is a marvelous way to put and end to your day. But whatever your reasons are for opting for 1770 the truth is either way, you will come to f nd the town incredibly diff cult to leave behind and desperate to come back to.

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FEATURE TAX

DON’T LEAVE YOUR MONEY IN AUSTRALIA! earnings. This doesn’t have to be lost money. Have you applied for your Australian tax refund? Whether you are leaving Oz soon or planning to hang around for a while, we’re sure you could do with some money in your pocket!

Apply for your tax refund today. As a hard-working holidaymaker in Oz, you’ll pay about 13-29% tax on your

Many working holiday makers are not aware of how much money they can be due back and that they can even get their mitts on a 2011 tax refund before the tax year ends in June. An early assessment gives you the option of getting your money back in as little as six weeks.

How much money can I get back?

Your refund amount depends on how much you’ve earned, the amount of tax you’ve paid, how long you have been working and if you had any workrelated expenses. The average working holiday maker gets a very respectable $2500.

Super Refunds

Anyone earning over $450 a month in Oz pays a whopping 9% of their wages into a superannuation fund. Many working holiday makers do not realise how much super they have paid over their time in Oz, its important not to leave this money behind you. Super refunds must be carried out after you have left Oz as you will need to use your exit stamp on your passport to process the claim.

For more info on claiming your taxback or to kick start the process text “BBM”to 040 999 0535

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TAX DOESN’T HAVE TO BE TAXING! Working Holiday Makers Guide to Tax

• Tax Year: The Australian tax year is from July 1st to June 30th the following year. The 2011 tax year started on July 1st 2010 •Tax File Declaration: When you start working in Australia your employer is obliged by law to give you a Employment Declaration Form to complete. • Claim all work-related expenses: Take the time to f nd out what work-related expenses you can claim. While up to $300 of work-related expenses can be claimed, without receipts, the claims must be for items necessary to your work and you must have incurred the expenditure. You can claim for work related expense over $300 however you must have receipts for proof of purchase. • What are work related expenses? Typically, these expenses would include ‘normal’ employee claims for expenses, such as uniforms, business telephone costs, subscriptions and union fees. Expense that many working holiday makers will be hit with when they start employment in Australia. • Keep all receipts and documentation: Keep receipts for any work related expenses and any documentation surrounding tax during your time in Australia, especially your Payment Summary or PAYG (Pay As You Go) form, also known as a Group Certif cate. • File a tax return: you can apply for a tax return during the tax year if you stop working and are not going to be working again for the rest of the tax year. Alternatively, you can apply at the end of the tax year on July 1st. Courtesy of taxback.com

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MELBOURNE

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SYDNEY Call Centre - Travellers Wanted! Our Client is seeking travellers with fantastic customer service and sale skills for a 6-8 temp assignment. Your role will be generating leads on behalf of a well established global client through warm and cold calling. Paying $22 Plus Super If you think you are right for the role then please send your detailed resume to tc@freespirit.com.au

INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT

is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: Warehousing, Labouring, Stores, Process Work, Green card and safety boots are an advantage – however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email sarah@ industriousrecruitment.com.au or contact Sarah @ (02) 9270 5257 DATA ENTRY OFFICER – TRAVELLERS WELCOME!! Our Client is seeking an experienced Data Entry Offi cer with the following criteria: Minimum of 1 year work experience. English fl uency. Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity. Not on Student Visa. If you believe you are the right candidate for this role please forward your resume through to mailto:tc@freespirit.com.au

SALES EXECUTIVE DO WANT TO SETTLE DOWN IN AUSTRALIA? DO YOU LOVE SELLING? • Generous package • An opportunity to become an Australian permanent resident and eventually a citizen! • Fantastic full-time sales role with growth potential • Both face-to-face & call centre positions! • Complete training available • Assistance with your visa We are a privately owned media company experiencing growth year on year. We require LOUD, FUN & SMART individuals to join our young & dynamic team to work out of our West Sydney and Inner West Sydney offi ces As Sales Executive you will be selling to medium sized local businesses and organisations, gradually building strong relationships with your portfolio of clients. We want to see your great selling skills and your original ideas and marketing solutions. If you have a professional attitude and presentation, then email your resume and a cover letter to

resumes@internode.on.net 66

BBM-599 // JOB LISTINGS

ADULT EMPLOYMENT

KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road.

Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Training provided Discreet, Paid daily Flexible hours Foxtel and internet access for staff Friendly Female management Located in the heart of Sydney Earn $150+ per hour

NO SEX

www.sirs.com.au 80 ERSKINE ST. SYDNEY CBD

Female Masseurs Required $115 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team

92997771 (02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills www.nirvanasydney.com.au

261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au

BBM-599 // JOB LISTINGS

GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN!! BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE!! Female Masseurs required $115 p/hr Full training provided Immediate Start Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team

(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES

135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay www.atmichelles.com

JOB LISTINGS

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BBM-599 // JOB LISTINGS

ACCOMMODATION SYDNEY

MELBOURNE Potts Point â&#x20AC;&#x201C; CLOSE TO CITY. Large Studio in garden complex. Close to Kings Cross station. Suitable for a couple. Fully furnished and equipped with everything you need including TV, linen, crockery, microwave etc. $395pw. Call 0425286445 Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms in the heart of the city. Dorm beds single $40 per night or $180 per week, double rooms $80 per night OR $320 per week. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

DARLINGHURST BUDGET. NEWLY RE-FURBISHED SHARE ACCOMMODATION - Rear of 433 Liverpool Street, Darlinghurst. Corner of West Street. Central location, close to all amenities yet quiet. $160 P/P P/W + $200 Bond. All bills + WIRELESS INTERNET included. Fully furnished rooms in share house. 7 rooms - 2, 3 or 4 person share. Laundry, Kitchen, lounge/TV room. For appointment to view call Louise between 9am-7pm on 0402 034 119.

FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA

Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park.

Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

TO ADVERTISE CALL

ON (02) 8231 7701 $/.+!20%4 0TY ,TD $ , TRADING AS

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XXX DBSNBSLFU DPN BV BBM-599 // ACCOMMODATION

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY

SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au STRAND HOTEL 99 William St Darlinghurst, Sydney 2010 Ph: 02 93606910 www.strandhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com

PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au

Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL

428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

THE ROYAL HOTEL

370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS

MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE

BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

HUNTER VALLEY HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

KATOOMBA

KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

BYRON BAY

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800

www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

NAMBUCCA HEADS

NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE

LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE

TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433 BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

GOLDCOAST AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au

NOOSA

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

HERVEY BAY

NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED

NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

MISSION BEACH

ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

WHITSUNDAYS

BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH

MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1199 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE

Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

BBM-599 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

RAINBOW BEACH

PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

DINGOS BACKPACKER RESORT 20 Spectrum Street, Rainbow Beach QLD 4581 FREECALL: 1800 103 823 www.dingosresort.com 3day/2night Selfguided camping Fraser Island Safari PLUS 2 nights at Dingos Resort $219 NO HIDDEN EXTRAS and FREE Pancake breakfast with every stay!!!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH

WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS cnr Marine Parade & Eric St Cottesloe Beach Ph: 08 9384 5111 stay@oceanbeachbackpackers.com www.oceanbeachbackpackers.com ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966 madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au

EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA

MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

KUNUNURRA

KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

VICTORIA MILDURA REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP

BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au

www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com

Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au

BBM-599 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

Australia

NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com

$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au

ST. KILDA

OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au

Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

APOLLO BAY

bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

NORTHERN TERRITORY

SHARE ACCOMMODATION

APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au

DARWIN

CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 www.chillis.com.au ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

ALICE SPRINGS

CAIRNS

CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au MAJESTIC MINIMA HOTEL 146 Melbourne Street North Adelaide SA 5006 Ph:(08) 8334 7766 minima@majestichotels.com.au www.majestichotels.com.au OUR HOUSE BACKPACKERS 33 Gilbert Place, Adelaide, SA, 5000 Ph: 08 8410 4788 Fax: 08 8410 6288 info@ourhousebackpackers.com www.ourhousebackpackers.com

HINDMARSH GROOVEY GROUP 10 Bacon St, Hindmarsh SA 5007 getaways@groovygrape.com.au Freecall: 1800 66 11 77 Ph: + 61 8 8440 1640 www.grooveygroup.com.au ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889

FOR MORE LISTING VISIT BBMLIVE.COM

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand CHRISTCHURCH

CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN

BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new fl ashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakefi eld Stree Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off fi rst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off fi rst night if you mention this ad

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfi ji.comwww beachcomberfi ji.com THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fi jibeachouse.co www.fi jibeachouse.co

SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfi ji.com Skype name: Smugglers Cove HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachfi ji.co

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandfi ji com THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacifi c Harbou P.O.Box 416 Pacifi c Habou Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.fi jinadibayhotel.com NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj

BBM-599 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

ADVENTURE SPORTS SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com

The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

SIMPLY SKYDIVE SYDNEY P.O. Box 5060 Elanora Heights NSW 2101 Sydney International Regatta Centre

Penrith Lakes NSW 2750 FreeCall 1800 SKYDIVE Ph: 02/92238444 Fax: 02/92315878 Info@simplyskydive.com.au www.simplyskydive.com.au

Awesome views of Sydney and the Blue Mountains!

SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au

Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au

Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

NEW ZEALAND

SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com

NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS

Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

FIJI

SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

YOUNG TRAVELLERS TOURS MELBOURNE Ph - 0488 002 212 www.yttours.com Fun original tours along the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island! One day tour from $90 SEALINK 440 King William Street Adelaide SA 5000 Ph: 08 8202 8678 bookings@kiadventuretours.com.au www.sealink.com.au

BBM-599 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au

The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.

GOING SOUTH

Four days, two famous Aussie icons, one awesome tour Ph: 1800 009 858 www.goinsouth.com.au

RAFTING

AUSTRALIA

OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au

Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au

HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA

MARINE CHARTERS AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE BAY CHARTERS 2 Jubilee Drive Port Lincoln, SA, 5606 Ph: 04 8842 8862 info@adventurebaycharters.com.au www.adventurebaycharters.com.au KANGAROO ISLAND MARINE CHARTERS 9 Chapman Terrace, Kingscote, Kangaroo Island, SA Ph: 0427 315 286 Fax: 08 8553 0016 www.kimarineadventures.com

KAYAKING AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE KAYAKING 7 Hastings Street, Glenelg South, SA Ph: (08) 8295 8812 bookings@adventurekayak.com.au www.adventurekayak.com.au

SAILING

AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE KAYAKING Marina Pier, Holdfast Shores Marina Glenelg SA 5045 Ph: 0412 811 838 Fax: (08) 8353 0750 info@dolphinboat.com.au www.dolphinboat.com.au

BIKE RIDING AUSTRALIA

BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au

ESCAPE GOAT Adelaide, SA Ph: 08 8121 8112 0422 916289 info@escapegoat.com.au www.escapegoat.com.au

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING

JET BOATING

AUSTRALIA

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au

KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA

KITESURF 1770 / IKO CER TIFIED KITEBOARDING SCHOOL/CENTRE 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@kitesurf1770.com.au www.kitesurf1770.com.au KITE REPUBLIC Shop: 10-18 Jacka Blvd. St.Kilda Sea Baths Complex, St.Kilda 3182 Melbourne, VIC Ph:(03) 95370644 Mob: +61 418583233 info@kiterepublic.com.au www.kiterepublic.com.au

NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET

The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

ROLLERBLADING AUSTRALIA

SURFING AUSTRALIA

SURF CAMP AUSTRALIA 235 CLARENCE ST, SYDNEY PH: (02) 9262 1757 www.surfcamp.com.au SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Chris@surfingaustralia.com http://www.surfingaustralia.com Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience

MOJOSURF 2/9 Marvel Street Ph: 02 6639 5100 reservations@mojosurf.com http://mojosurf.com Living the dream… SANCTUARY SURFERS 201 Waymouth Street Adelaide South Australia 5000 Ph: 0403 134 478 luke.j.d@gmail.com www.sanctuary.net.au SURFSHACK IS AN ACCREDITED SURF SCHOOL Lessons from $50 for 2 hours Lake Entrance Surf Shack 507 Esplanade Ph: 03 5155 4933 Mallacoota Surf Shack 41 Maurice Avenue Ph: 03 5158 0909 www.surfshack.com.au

JUNGLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS PO Box 117 Port Douglas, Queensland Ph: 07 4098 0043 info@junglesurfing.com.au www.junglesurfing.com.au

RIVER BOARDING NEW ZEALAND

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797 www.riverboarding.co.nz

SHARK EXPEDITIONS AUSTRALIA

ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022

RODNEY FOX EXPEDITIONS 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, Adelaide, South Australia, 5070 Ph: (08) 8363 1788 www.rodneyfox.com.au

GLACIER GUIDING

BUNGY JUMPING

Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz

AJ HACKETT CAIRNS Mc Gregor Road Smithfield, QLD 4878 Ph: (07) 4057 7188 Free call: 1800 622 888 (Aus only) Cairns.reception@ajhackett.com www.cairns.ajhackett.com

NEW ZEALAND

AUSTRALIA

Take a breathtaking guided trip on the West Coast’s longest and less crowded glacier amidst fascinating ice formations with NZ’s most experienced glacier guiding company. Offering a full range of trips to suit all fitness levels.

CRYSTAL BALLS

Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week

However this week after you’re usual daily indulgence you are caught off guard, it looks like your time mingling with the dingoes are well and truly over.

Cancer Aries YOUR CRAZY taste for adventure is perhaps one of your most poignant characteristics which can often lead you to tremendous endeavors. However in a sudden burst of spontaneity this week, you will find that your plan to stalk a famous celebrity does not work in your favour. Time to get yourself a lawyer - just a suggestion.

Taurus BEING AS possessive and jealous as you are it is no surprise that after your mate managed to pull the Swedish fitty from the hostel you never let him live to boast the tale. Just remember that unless you somehow try to invest in a full sized freezer, which will prove tricky whilst traveling, people are going to become rather suspicious of the pong coming from your backpack.

Gemini WE ALL know that Gemini’s have a fetish for animal porn and as much as we try to help you with your addiction we have come to accept that this is you and and that is that.

SO IT would appear that you have bagged yourself a hot man and not only is he so athletic that after running 20 miles he doesn’t even break into a sweat, he also has the intellect to match - one in a million I’d say. Well this week it turns out that the girl with legs up to her earlobes down the road and the barmaid at your local are also enjoying these amazing qualities. Well there are plenty more fish in the sea - though perhaps not in your case.

Leo COME ON, Leo’s are meant to be all fierce and stuff, if the frail old night manager is giving you grief stop sobbing into your pillow every night and pull yourself together. The key is to start stocking up on the curries and then leave him a little surprise in the toilet, after a few nights of having to clean up after you he will be sure to leave you alone.

Virgo YOU’VE got a lot on your plate at the moment, I mean trying to balance all those hard nights out partying untill your liver fails is a difficult job when you have to go to work once a week, I feel for you. So maybe it is time to slow

down a bit and have some ‘me’ time , think lingerie section of the catalogue and a hand full of tissues - bliss.

Libra OK, IT’S time to kick some arse so quit farting around like a girl and grow some balls. Oh, and while you’re at it, your recent lack of looking after yourself has really become apparent, whenever you enter a room have you not noticed how everyone has to leave due to the stench?

Scorpio

Team up with a bunch of goggle-wearing dorks and you’ll walk away with a top-notch prize this week. But remember that the prize is to share so deciding who will have the painted plastic cup in their room first will prove difficult.

Aquarius SO YOU have not been keeping track of your excessive spending patterns recently and have found your self in a spot of bother, with pot noodles and cornflakes becoming very boring.

QUIT playing games with her heart. Women have feelings too, you know, acting like a prize twat is going to cause a stir.

Well things are set to change for the better when you stumble across a wad of cash that someone has so unfortunately displaced.

This week after a long haul of taking your crap she is finally going to get fed up and strike back.

However using it all to buy everyone in the bar a round just to show off your sudden change of luck will leave you back where you started.

Have you ever seen the film Carrie?

Sagittarius CHEAP digs at your slightly shorter and slightly fatter mate may make you feel better momentarily but you’ve got to look deeper and decide whether this is really how you should treat people. For gods sake you may be slightly taller and thinner but when your mate is 4 foot 8 and 20 stone I don’t think you really have anything to shout about.

Pisces SINCE coming to Australia you have found that you have a natural knack for surfing and it has become very much one of your favourite activities. However this week it will all come to a disastrous end when you decide to ignore the safety warnings and carry on faffing about in the waves. Eaten by your own Starsign - shit mate, well done.

Capricorn TRIVIA really isn’t your thing but that’s not to say you can’t win.

BBM-599 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ASK CRYSTAL

Dear Crystal, I CAME out to Australia with a good friend from home and going up the Coast was a great laugh. Recently, however my bestie has got himself a new bird and it is not the same. Am I being selfish or should I say something? I feel really left out. Alex, Perth

Dear Alex,

Dear Crystal,

I FEEL your pain, you seem like a sensitive soul who lacks independence and initiative to make his own decisions.

I AM not really into partying that much and in the evening you can usually find me with my head buried in a good old fashioned book whilst the rest of the girls in my dorm puke up their guts on the daily pub crawls.

Don’t you get it? Three’s a crowd and no one likes a clinger-on who can’t take a hint. What I suggest is that you either find some way of miraculously destroying his entire 007 collection, and I mean desecrate! Then blame it on her or carry on growing your hair and try and start a Bono tribute band that will be sure to keep you occupied.

I like a good night out every now and then but the others are turning on me a bit because I am not joining in, what should I do? Nic, Byron Bay

Dear Nic, I ONCE read a book but I only managed to make it to the fourth page, I never found out what happened to the

caterpillar. What you need to do is to close those books and start opening those legs, book worms like you make me bilious and angry. The quicker you start sleeping with as many men regardless of whether they admire Virginia Woolf or not the sooner you can start telling your mates at home about all of the interesting stories you have accumulated and the STI’s to go with them.

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail Crystal via. editor@britishballs.com

JOKES TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS

I WONDER if Buzz and Woody from Toy Story ever met any of Andy’s mum’s toys? Especially since they probably have the same names. Timothy, Perth MY wife has got a Licence To Kill. It’s a Driving Licence. John, Croydon YOU can tell when it’s Shrove Tuesday. Everyone has got a crepe joke to tell. Roger, Randwick HOW much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men. Jack, Bondi WHAT did one Geordie say to another Geordie? Something incomprehensible. Jimbo, Cairns I’VE just seen a new 3D hologram that tries to deter you from parking in the disabled bays at Coles. As you reverse, a little man in a wheelchair wildly f aps his arms shouting, “Stop...stop.... NO!”

Once you’ve parked, you can hear muff ed cries of, “Arrrrghhh....Get off meeee!” from under your car. Peter, Coogee JUST got a job cleaning door handles at Old Trafford on match days. Takes ages though, there’s knobs everywhere. Sam, Surry Hills I ASKED my girlfriend what she would like most for her birthday earlier. She put her hand out and twinkled her f ngers to me. A glove it is then. Rick, Darwin IT’S not who you know, ...it’s whom you know. Ted, Leeds MY doctor prescribed me some haemorrhoid cream. On the label it said, ‘For External Use Only’. My neighbours weren’t too chuffed. Dexy, Surry Hills

BBM-599 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE Manchester United Arsenal Manchester City Chelsea Tottenham Hotspur Liverpool Bolton Wanderers Sunderland Everton Newcastle United Fulham Stoke City Aston Villa Blackburn Rovers Blackpool West Bromwich Albion Birmingham City West Ham United Wolverhampton Wanderers Wigan Athletic

2917933360 2817653057 2915862053 2815672751 281396748 2912611342 2910109240 299119-238 298138037 299911336 297148135 2910415-634 298912-1333 299515-1232 299515-1532 298813-1532 286139-1231 2971012-1331 298516-1529 2951212-2327

Tables accurate as of noon Saturday, March 12th, AEST.

LEAGUE 1

CHAMPIONSHIP

PlWDL+/-Pts Queens Park Rangers Swansea City Norwich City Cardiff City Leeds United Nottingham Forest Burnley Reading Hull City Leicester City Watford Millwall Portsmouth Bristol City Barnsley Ipswich Town Doncaster Rovers Coventry City Derby County Middlesbrough Crystal Palace Scunthorpe United Sheffi eld Unite Preston North End

LEAGUE 2

PlWDL+/-Pts

Brighton and Hove Albion AFC Bournemouth Huddersfi eld Tow Peterborough United Southampton Milton Keynes Dons FC Leyton Orient Carlisle United Charlton Athletic Colchester United Hartlepool United Oldham Athletic Exeter City Rochdale Sheffi eld Wednesda Brentford Notts County Tranmere Rovers Yeovil Town Dagenham & Redbridge Walsall Bristol Rovers Plymouth Argyle Swindon Town

36191343570 36196111763 36171271363 36187111461 36161281160 36151471459 34151181256 36131581754 36131310352 3615714-252 35131111950 36131112850 3614814150 3613815-447 36121014-1046 3513616045 36111015-1743 3511816-741 3611718-640 3511717-940 3610818-2138 3510421-2734 368820-2432 3551020-2725

3320853668 35171082461 3517991760 34185111659 3317793058 3617712458 32131181350 3413912848 3313911148 35121211-448 3513814-1247 35111311-546 35121013-846 3211129445 3312714243 3412715-743 3111614-239 3410915-739 3410717-1837 329815-1035 369819-1935 358918-3133 3512617-1532 3571117-1732

PlWDL+/-Pts Chesterfi el Bury Wycombe Wanderers Shrewsbury Town Rotherham United Port Vale Gillingham Torquay United Southend United Oxford United Accrington Stanley Crewe Alexandra Stevenage Football Club Cheltenham Town Aldershot Town Lincoln City Northampton Town Hereford United Morecambe Bradford City Macclesfi eld Tow Burton Albion Barnet Stockport County

36201153071 3417982660 351799960 35151191756 351510101655 3415109855 3613149853 341212101148 3413912448 3513814-147 3211138246 34129131045 34111211945 35111113-1044 3591511-742 3412616-1642 3591313-640 33101013-940 35101015-1040 3412418-1240 3210814-938 309813-635 3571018-2131 3671019-4331

OTHER LEAGUES

FOCUS ON... GERMANY IT’S been f ve weeks since we last took a look at the top of the Bundesliga and absolutely bugger all has changed. Borussia Dortmund are still pissing over everyone, Bayern Munich are still crap and FSV Mainz continue to defy logic by being ‘in the mix’ for a Euro place. Well something had to give eventually and it’s happened at Bayern. Socalled supercoach Louis van Gaal has been told to piss off following a disastrous eight days for the club which saw them crash out of the German cup to Schalke and lose 3-1 to Hannover in the league. He’ll stay on until the end of the season but as they’re 19 points behind Dortmund we can’t see him making them change their mind from now until then.

SERIE A

PlWDL+/-Pts Borussia Dortmund Bayer Leverkusen Hannover 96 FSV Mainz 05 Bayern München 1. FC Nürnberg Hamburger SV SC Freiburg Hoffenheim Schalke 04 1. FC Köln Eintracht Frankfurt FC St.Pauli Werder Bremen VfB Stuttgart 1. FC Kaiserslautern Borussia Mönchengladbach

2519423961 2514741949 251528547 2514110943 2512671842 251168739 2511410137 2511410-237 2 5 8 9 258611-130 258512-1229 258413-1028 258413-1628 257711-1828 257414-425 256712-925 256415-2222

AC Milan Internazionale Napoli Lazio Udinese AS Roma Juventus Palermo Cagliari Fiorentina Bologna Genoa Chievo Sampdoria Parma Catania Cesena Lecce Brescia Bari

SCOTTISH PREMIER PlWDL+/-Pts Celtic Rangers Heart of Midlothian Kilmarnock Dundee United Motherwell Inverness Caledonian Thistle Hibernian St. Johnstone Aberdeen St. Mirren Hamilton Academical

LA LIGA

PlWDL+/-Pts

2821434467 2620243562 2817471755 2812610942 2710107240 2911414-737 299911236 299515-1432 288812-1632 299416-1631 285716-2322 292918-3315

BBM-599 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

2818733061 2817562356 2816571653 2815671251 2815582050 281378446 281189641 2812412-140 2811611539 289109337 281099-536 289811-535 2871110-232 2871011-731 2861111-1129 287813-1429 287714-1528 287714-1928 286715-1325 283718-2716

PlWDL+/-Pts FC Barcelona Real Madrid Valencia CF Villarreal CF Athletic Bilbao RCD Espanyol Atlético Madrid Sevilla FC Real Sociedad RCD Mallorca Getafe CF Levante UD Deportivo La Coruña Racing Santander Osasuna Sporting Gijón Real Zaragoza Hércules CF UD Almería Málaga CF

2724216574 2721424567 2716651454 2715571750 2713212441 2713113-440 2711511438 2711511-138 2711214-635 2710413-934 279612-533 279414-1031 2771010-1331 277911-1430 277812-529 2761011-928 276912-1527 277515-1626 2751012-1725 276516-2523

SCOREBOARD FOOTBALL RESULTS Thursday, 10 March Uefa Europa League Ajax 0-1 Spartak Moscow Bayer Leverkusen 2-3 Villarreal Benfi ca 2-1 Paris S Braga 1-0 Liverpool CSKA Moscow 0-1 FC Porto Dynamo Kiev 2-0 Man City FC Twente 3-0 Zenit St Petersburg PSV Eindhoven 0-0 Rangers Clydesdale Bank Premier League Dundee Utd 2-1 Hamilton

Blackpool 1-3 Chelsea Clydesdale Bank Premier League Dundee Utd 3-1 Aberdeen

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Wednesday, 9 March Uefa Champions League Schalke 04 3-1 Valencia (agg 4-2) Tottenham 0-0 AC Milan (agg 1-0) Barclays Premier League Everton 1-1 Birmingham Scot-Ads Highland Football League Brora 3-3 Lossiemouth Cove Rangers 0-1 Keith Deveronvale 2-0 Inverurie Locos Formartine Utd 2-1 Turriff United Huntly 3-2 Fraserburgh Rothes 5-0 Strathspey Thistle

Saturday, 5 March Barclays Premier League Arsenal 0-0 Sunderland Birmingham 1-3 West Brom Bolton 3-2 Aston Villa Fulham 3-2 Blackburn Man City 1-0 Wigan Newcastle 1-2 Everton West Ham 3-0 Stoke Npower Championship Burnley 1-0 Crystal Palace Cardiff 0-2 Ipswich Coventry 1-4 Bristol City Derby 0-0 Barnsley Leeds 5-2 Doncaster Norwich 1-1 Preston Nott’m Forest 0-1 Hull Portsmouth 1-0 Sheff Utd QPR 1-0 Leicester Reading 5-2 Middlesbrough Scunthorpe 1-0 Swansea Watford 1-0 Millwall Npower League One Bournemouth 3-0 Oldham Brighton 4-3 Carlisle Bristol Rovers 0-2 Dag & Red Charlton 1-1 Tranmere Colchester 0-2 Southampton Hartlepool 3-0 Brentford Leyton Orient 2-0 Notts County Peterborough 3-0 Exeter Rochdale 1-4 MK Dons Sheff Wed 2-4 Plymouth Swindon 0-0 Walsall Yeovil 1-1 Huddersfi el Npower League Two Cheltenham 0-3 Chesterfi eld Crewe 4-1 Burton Albion Gillingham 2-0 Bradford Hereford 0-3 Bury | Report Lincoln City 0-0 Accrington Stanley Morecambe 2-1 Southend Northampton 2-3 Shrewsbury Port Vale 2-1 Macclesfi el Rotherham 0-0 Barnet Stockport 2-1 Oxford Utd Torquay 2-0 Stevenage Wycombe 2-2 Aldershot Clydesdale Bank Premier League Celtic 2-0 Hamilton Hearts 0-2 Kilmarnock Inverness CT 3-0 Motherwell St Johnstone 1-1 Hibernian Blue Square Bet Premier Altrincham 1-1 Gateshead Barrow 0-0 York Bath City 1-1 Kettering Crawley Town 5-0 Histon Darlington 1-0 Cambridge Utd Eastbourne Boro 4-1 Southport Grimsby 2-1 AFC Wimbledon Luton 1-1 Kidderminster Newport County 1-3 Fleetwood Town Rushden & D’mnds 1-1 Hayes & Yeading Tamworth 0-2 Mansfi el Wrexham 2-1 Forest Green Scottish First Division Dunfermline 1-3 Morton Partick Thistle 0-0 Dundee Queen of South 0-2 Raith Rovers Ross County 2-1 Falkirk Stirling 3-4 Cowdenbeath Scottish Second Division Airdrie Utd 0-5 Ayr Alloa 1-3 East Fife Brechin 3-1 Stenhousemuir Dumbarton 0-3 Livingston Peterhead 1-1 Forfar Scottish Third Division Arbroath 2-1 Annan Athletic Berwick 4-0 Elgin East Stirling 1-2 Montrose Queen’s Park 4-0 Clyde

---------------------Tuesday, 8 March Uefa Champions League Barcelona 3-1 Arsenal (agg 4-3) Shakhtar Donetsk 3-0 Roma (agg 6-2) Npower Championship Barnsley 2-1 Scunthorpe Bristol City 2-1 Portsmouth Crystal Palace 1-0 Cardiff Doncaster 1-1 Coventry Hull 0-1 Burnley Ipswich 1-3 Reading Leicester 2-3 Norwich Middlesbrough 2-1 Derby Millwall 2-0 QPR Preston 1-2 Leed Sheff Utd 2-1 Nott’m Forest Swansea 1-1 Watford Npower League One Brentford 0-1 Brighton Carlisle 1-0 Hartlepool Dag & Red 1-0 Colchester Exeter 2-0 Bournemouth Huddersfi eld 2-1 Rochdal MK Dons 2-0 Charlton Notts County 0-1 Peterborough Oldham 2-3 Sheff Wed Plymouth 1-0 Swindon Southampton 3-0 Yeovil Tranmere 0-1 Bristol Rovers Walsall 0-2 Leyton Orient Npower League Two Accrington Stanley 3-0 Stockport Aldershot 1-0 Torquay Barnet 0-1 Wycombe Bradford 2-1 Rotherham Burton Albion 3-1 Lincoln City Bury 1-0 Morecambe Chesterfi eld 2-1 Northampton Macclesfi eld 1-0 Crewe Shrewsbury 2-2 Port Vale Southend 2-2 Gillingham Stevenage 0-1 Hereford Blue Square Bet Premier Barrow 1-0 Altrincham Gateshead 2-2 Darlington Kidderminster 0-0 Crawley Town Luton 2-0 Tamworth Rushden & D’mnds 2-2 Forest Green Wrexham 2-1 Eastbourne Boro Scottish First Division Cowdenbeath 1-3 Dundee Dunfermline 1-1 Ross County Partick Thistle 3-1 Queen of South Scottish Second Division Airdrie Utd 1-1 East Fife Forfar 2-1 Brechin Stenhousemuir 1-2 Livingston Scottish Third Division Albion 0-2 Arbroath Annan Athletic 2-1 Stranraer Berwick 3-0 East Stirling Clyde 2-3 Queen’s Park ---------------------Monday, 7 March Barclays Premier League

---------------------Sunday, 6 March Barclays Premier League Liverpool 3-1 Man Utd Wolverhampton 3-3 Tottenham Clydesdale Bank Premier League St Mirren 0-1 Rangers

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WORLD SPORT ENGLAND’S FLOOD OF SUCCESS RUGBY UNION: England could take a massive step towards winning this year’s Six Nations competition if they batter Scotland at Twickenham on Sunday night (Sydney time). And with f y-half Toby Flood expected to be f t, there really is no excuse for them not to. Hurrah! Scotland are shit and aside from the usual motivation of hating England, their only other reason to bother trying is to avoid the wooden spoon – with a do-or-die clash against Italy looming in the f nal round. Frankly, it shouldn’t be enough to inspire them to a win over England – but then they shouldn’t have been good enough to beat South Africa in November so you never know. Flood’s return will only make life harder for the Scots. He limped off in the win over France a

SIX NATIONS FIXTURES MARCH 12-13

ITALY V FRANCE WALES V IRELAND ENGLAND V SCOTLAND

While mining magnate Nathan Tinkler has put in a last-ditch effort (now known as a “Kade Snowden”) to convince Wayne to move to Newcastle, the almost English football-like sacking of Broncos coach Ivan Henjak two weeks before the f rst round was pretty much the NRL equivalent of rolling out the red carpet to welcome Bennett back in the fold. Of course, it’s been widely reported that after

Woods hasn’t won a tournament since the late 18th century after it was revealed he’d screwed more women than reverse parking.

“The best evidence you can have is looking at it results-wise and f ow-wise since last March,” said Wilko.

“If you’d been divorced with kids, you would understand,” he whinged at the WGC Cadillac Championship in Florida.

“The relationship Floody has created with the other players - the way they work together and the way they link - wasn’t quite there when I was playing.”

winning seven premierships and becoming the f rst NRL coach to earn over a million dollars a year, Wayne’s one goal is to be the f rst to win a premiership with three separate clubs. Enter: Souths. That’s right, Russell Crowe’s tax write-off can somehow afford to f t Bennett under the salary cap because they are paying Greg Inglis with cheeseburgers instead of actual money. It’s unlikely now that the doors are open in Queensland, but Crowe is considering casting him as the villain in Robin Hood 2 to lure him to Redfern. “I haven’t made my mind up,” said Wayne as he signed a lease on a house in Brisbane.

YOU’RE MCLAREN A LAUGH! FORMULA ONE: The start of the F1 season is upon us and following up on a campaign that was generally hailed as the most exciting in decades, what’s the mood like in camp McLaren for Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button? Excitement perhaps? Nervousness? The belief that this year they could just take it up a notch and win the drivers crown? Well no actually, Hamilton is being proper pessimistic bastards. “Do I believe I have a car to win the world 82

GOLF: Former golf star turned laughing stock, Tiger Woods, has blamed his family problems for the slump to f fth in the world rankings.

fortnight ago to be replaced by Jonny Wilkinson (left) and was due a late f tness test on Friday night. Even Wilkinson admits he’s shit these days compared to Flood.

BENNETT SAGA A REAL DRAG NRL: Hot on the heels of their premiership win last year, the Dragons are all but expecting coach Wayne Bennett to depart after only three seasons to return to Brisbane. You can’t blame the guy, you can’t get good quality cane toads down in Sydney.

WOODS YOU BELIEVE IT

championship at the moment? No,” said Hamilton while slitting his wrists. “I’m ready, and when the car is ready I will win races. But whether that will happen, we’ll see.” Well what about young Jenson, surely he’s a bit more upbeat as we head towards the f rst race in Melbourne on March 27? “I’d be surprised if we can match Red Bull and Ferrari when we get to Melbourne,” he wailed. And it’s that kind of can-do attitude that has put Britain top of the sporting tree for decades.

WORLD CUP IN MOTION CRICKET: Seeing as England annoyingly played overnight in the time between BBM writing this and going to print, we can’t really say much about their current situation. Last week’s nailbiting, and slightly baff ing, win over South Africa only rubberstamped the belief that we’re the most unpredictable and exciting team in the tournament, so while the temptation is to predict an England win over Bangladesh last night, we’re inclined to keep our mouth shut instead. We’ll just let you know this week’s f xtures. Saturday, 12 March India v South Africa, Nagpur Sunday, 13 March Canada v New Zealand, Mumbai Australia v Kenya, Bangalore Monday, 14 March Bangladesh v Netherlands, Chittagong Pakistan v Zimbabwe, Kandy Tuesday, 15 March Ireland v South Africa, Kolkata Wednesday, 16 March Australia v Canada, Bangalore Thursday, 17 March England v West Indies, Chennai Friday, 18 March Ireland v Netherlands, Kolkata New Zealand v Sri Lanka, Mumbai Saturday, 19 March Bangladesh v South Africa, Mirpur Australia v Pakistan, Colombo

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FOOTBALL

VIEWS

HAVE THEY GOON FROM BOYS TO MEN? IF Arsenal is going to end their drought and win the Premier League, it has to be this year.

still believe this is Arsenal’s year.

Never have they been so close to reaching the summit and taking title away from Manchester United – thanks, largely, to their rivals Chelsea and Liverpool who have caused United to drop six points in the last two weeks. Okay maybe the referees had a lot to do with the decisions as well, but that’s football. But it would not be a Premier League season without Arsenal players suffering from a horrif c injury plague at some stage. Of course, it doesn’t help that Arsene Wenger only likes to recruit players made of glass, so no surprises Theo Walcott, Cesc Fabregas and

YOUNG GUNNERS: Arsenal stars Cesc Fabregas and Jack Wilshere. No.1 striker Robin van Persie have all picked up Arsenalitis recently. Of course, Gooners fans are used to hearing this and know they can never go into a game conf dent they will win. Sunderland anyone? However, right now, like every year fans

So can the Gunners do it? Would you put your money on it? We’re sitting on the fence at BBM, however we do believe that Arsene Wenger deserves a trophy. Where many teams like Chelsea and Manchester City spend millions to win games, Wenger does not – even though it seems the money is there. Instead he chooses to develop his squad, to reach their full potential, until they become worth millions anyway. Well, from the looks of it the team seem fully developed now, so Arsene can’t use that excuse anymore. By the end of the season, we’ll know if the Gunners are still boys, or men of steel. - Lorna Evio

QUOTES OF THE WEEK “I am on minus one goals for the season. I’ve got two ow n goals and that one [against Birmingham] in the plus column.” Phil Jagielka rules himself out of the race for the Golden Boot.

“He [Kolo Toure] wants to control his weight a little bit because that’s where he has some problems and he took the product off his wife. Never trust your wife! That is how he was caught.” Just like Arsenal aren’t in the same league as Barcelona, Arsene Wenger proves he’s still some way off Andy Gray’s ‘class’ when it comes to being sexist.

“Birmingham is a crap city and I w asn’t going to make the effort, especiall y as I wasn’t playing. I don’t give a damn for Ireland. Live in Cork? I’d rath er shoot myself. I prefer Los Angeles.” The ever-pleasant Stephen Ireland.

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FEATURE

TAKING A FIRM HAND THERE’S no way around it, Scottish football is crap. Only the most one-eyed, be-kilted, f ame-haired, Tartan-scarved, shortbread munching Scotch football fan would dare to bagpipe otherwise. But for the f rst time since the late eighties, the Scottish Premier League registered something off cially classed as “entertaining” last week when the usually overhyped Old Firm rivalry transcended from dirty ‘stramash’ to full-blown ‘rammy’. For those of you who were unable to f nd the Parental Guidance needed to watch the

and after the game no less than 34 fans were arrested inside the ground. While most of us actually enjoyed this rather excitable clash, it caused much rustling of grey-haired eyebrows in the Scotch parliament and the two clubs have now been forced to cooperate with each other in a fake smiles and handshake manner to make it look like there isn’t a problem. match, three Rangers players were sent off, Celtic boss Neil Lennon (pictured) and Gers coach-in-waiting Ally McCoist had a bit of tunnel-f sting action (not the Mardi Gras sort either)

“There has been an extraordinary amount of debate since last Wednesday’s match, much of it ill-informed,” said Rangers chief executive Martin Bain, at a press conference

with Celtic counterpart Peter Lawwell. The clubs issued a joint plan to tackle bad behaviour surrounding the f xture and police will look at addressing “public order” issues on web forums. “While many of the issues surrounding the Celtic v Rangers f xture have been blamed on the clubs, clearly there are a number of societal issues which need to be addressed. How much more can the clubs do?” added Lawwell, seconds before smashing a can of Irn-Bru in Lawwell’s face.

TOP FIVE NON-BRITISH FOOTBALL RIVALRIES…

BOCA JUNIORS V RIVER PLATE

FENERBAHCE V GALATASARAY

The Superclasico is the derby to end all derbies. Based in Buenos Aires, it’s a testosterone-driven mardi gras of f ags, f reworks, dancing, chanting and f sticuffs with the two stadiums famously said to ‘shake’ for 90 minutes under the jigging and stomping of 50,000 fans. Like many other f ercely contested same-city f xtures, ity with Boca social resentment is as much the catalyst as proxim as ‘Los seen as the working class club while River are known town. of part uent aff the in based being for Millonarios’

PARTIZAN BELGRADE RED STAR BELGRADE

Great derbies are all about differences. So when you’ve got two clubs in the same city not just separated by a stretch of water, but also based in different continents, sparks are going to f y. Istanbul’s dominant sides were founde d two years apart and a social rift soon added spice to the rift already created by geography. Gala were seen by many as a club for the aristocracy with Fener the ‘people’s club’.

In a move guaranteed to create one of the most intense rivalries in sport, the two Belgrade teams formed out of opposing armies in the aftermath of World War II. Almost inevitably, violence erupts more often than not in ‘the Eternal Derby’. In 1999 a 17-year-old was killed at a game by a signal rocket and in 2006 a Partizan fan was stabbed to death by a Red Star supporter in an arranged f ght between the clubs’ Ultras.

ROMA V LAZIO The Derby della Capitale (no prizes for guessing the translation). Politics and proximity have equal claim to be the source of this , but historically it all began when Lazio refused to join three other Rome-based sides to form one club – which became AS Roma. Considered the most passionate of the Italian derbies, it’s marked by massive crowds, excitement, violence and – recently – racist banners in the crowd.

BARCELONA V REAL MADRID Not quite as violent as the others on this list, El Classico games still manage to capture the imagination of football fans around the globe. Throughout the years the f xture has brought together the planets f nest footballers – Maradona, Zidane, Ronaldinho, Romario, Cruyff, Messi – in two of the world’s most formidable stadiums. Politically, too, it pits the capital of Spain against the capital of Catalonia.

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FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

HE’S STILL ARSENE ABOUT Delusional Arsene Wenger is still under the belief that Robin van Persie would have hit six goals had he not been sent off in last week’s game at in Barcelona. Wenger also denies a FIFA charge of using “inappropriate language” at referee Massimo Busacca following the 3-1 defeat. “I deny completely any charge,” whinged Wenger. “It would be good for Uefa to show humility, to apologise, not charge people who have done nothing wrong.” Birmingham City’s owners say they will have “no problem” meeting the f nancial criteria to allow the club to play in the Europa League next season. City qualif ed after beating Arsenal in the Carling Cup but there had been concern that the Blue Noses were struggling for funds as the club’s parent company revealed they had total debts in excess of £29m. “We will have no problem securing Uefa licence approval to play in Europe for which the club had already f led the papers,” said vicechairman Peter Pannu while wearing a fake beard and dousing St Andrews in petrol. Watford are the latest club to be linked with a mega-bucks takeover. We’re talking £440,000 here people. The club’s parent company

Watford Leisure Plc has received the bid from Watford FC Ltd, a company set up by surgeon Panos Thomas. The company is being f nanced by entrepreneur Laurence Bassini, who will provide £3.5m of working capital – enough to secure Watford’s mid-table Championship position for years to come. The Advertising Standards Authority has banned The Sun’s latest TV campaign after complaints the ad, starring Ian Wright, “directly exhorted children to buy [the paper]”. Surely there should have been more complaints about being forced to watch Ian Wright? QPR’S unstoppable charge towards the Premier League has been downgraded to stoppable after the FA revealed the club could be docked points following a dodgy transfer in 2009. QPR are seven points clear at the top of the Championship but have been charged over the signing of Alejandro Faurlin – whose contract was owned by three different Argentine agents when he moved to London. Sir Alex McTaggart has come out of his self-imposed sulk to big-up Arsenal’s title challenge. “Arsene Wenger and his players have

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE!

rearranged the pecking order,” he och-ayed. FIFA has cocked an eyebrow of suspicion at two international friendly games alleged to have been inf uenced by match f xers. On paper, there’s nothing too shocking about Latvia’s 2-1 win over Bolivia, or Bulgaria’s 2-2 draw with Estonia, which were both played at the Turkish resort of Antalya. But after being tipped off about a possible corruption scam before the games, further doubts were raised when all seven goals came from penalties. Millwall will not be charged by the FA for their traditional heartwarming greeting of Middlesbrough players in last week’s 3-2 home defeat. A linesman and visiting goalkeeper Jason Steele were the subject of objects thrown from the crowd after Scott McDonald gave Boro the lead at The Den. Arsenal skipper Cesc Fabregas has been ruled out of tonight’s (Saturday) FA Cup tie with Manchester United, although surprisingly not because he’s stayed at Barcelona to sort out his contract for next season. Wantaway Fabregas has a hamstring problem and could be out for two weeks.

with ace pundit Chris Kamara

“AN Argentinean referee set a new world record for sendings off after giving no less than 36 players and coaching staff their marching orders following an all-in brawl.

An already bad-tempered game between Victoriano Arenas and Claypole descended into a f ght between players in the second half as Claypole led 2-0. The swamped referee, Damian Rubino, gave up on the whistle and red carded all the players, substitutes, coaches and technical staff. Unbelievable Jeff!”

WEEKEND FIXTURES Saturday 12th March The FA Cup Quarter-Final Birmingham v Bolton Manchester Utd v Arsenal npower Championship Burnley v Millwall Coventry City v Hull City Derby County v Swansea City Leeds United v Ipswich Town Notts Forest v Doncaster Rovers Portsmouth v Middlesbrough QPR v Crystal Palace Scunthorpe Utd v Leicester City Watford v Sheff United npower League 1 Bournemouth v Southampton Brighton v Tranmere Rovers Bristol Rovers v Huddersf eld Charlton Athletic v Brentford Colchester v MK Dons Hartlepool Utd v Plymouth Argyle Leyton Orient v Oldham Athletic Peterborough v Carlisle Rochdale v Exeter City Sheff eld Weds v Notts County Swindon Town v Dagenham Yeovil Town v Walsall npower League 2 Cheltenham v Aldershot Crewe Alexandra v Chesterf eld Gillingham v Accrington Stanley Hereford United v Barnet Lincoln City v Southend United Morecambe v Bradford City Northampton v Macclesf eld Port Vale v Oxford United Rotherham United v Bury Stockport v Burton Albion Torquay United v Shrewsbury Wycombe v Stevenage Borough Scottish Cup Sixth Round St Mirren v Aberdeen Brechin City v St Johnstone Sunday 13th March The FA Cup Quarter-Final Stoke City v West Ham Man City v Reading npower Championship Cardiff City v Barnsley Scottish Premier League Rangers v Kilmarnock Scottish Cup Sixth Round Dundee United v Motherwell Inverness v Celtic

More pencil-moustached punditry and footballing facts next week folks! 88

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SPORT GUIDE 86

Contents PAGE 88 Football News: Arsene about PAGE 86 Football Feature: Top f ve footy rivalries PAGE 84 Football View: With Lorna Evio PAGE 82 World Sport: It’s Scot to be England’s year in the Six Nations PAGES 78 & 80 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables

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