BBM Magazine Feb. 12th 2011 by bbmlive.com

CONTENTS The Cover

Review

Regulars

DEJA VU - 22 Jordan is newly divorced. It’s 2009 all over again! You could say she was Hot and Cold and a Single Lady - topical humour rocks!

CURB SEASON SEVEN - 26 “You see, Larry David (co-creator of Seinfeld) is a bit of a jerk. His social fails have provided an endless supply of mayhem over the last seven seasons.”

Interview

Sport

EWAN PEARSON - 28 BBM chats with the man set to play Playground Weekender... about Care Bears. No, seriously, we do.

CRICKET WORLD CUP - 70 Can Australia win its fourth cricket World Cup in a row? Oh that’s a ridiculously foolish question. Really, why would you even ask? Twat.

UK News Irish News World News Soaps Gossip The Wrap Reviews Interviews Sydney Melbourne Perth Recruitment Classifieds Hostel Listings Crystal Balls Ask Crystal & Jokes Sport

JOBS & ACCOMODATION

6 12 14 18 20 24 26 28 30 34 38 52 56 60 64 66 82

MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Ben Harlum ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby richard.gadsby@what-media.com

UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir hannah.shakir@what-media.com

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INTERNS Stefan Zimmermann, Brian Weiss, Kara Christopher, Holger Synowzik

AUSTRALIA WAS A BIG FAILURE IN OUR CAREER

HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard design@what-media.com

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WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber WEB DEVELOPMENT ASSISTANT Shefali Khanna

ANDY FLETCHER

CONTRIBUTORS David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Fernando Xavier, Bethan Hacking, Alexandra McIntyre, Jeremy Williams, Emma Mulliner, Hannah Allsopp, Ashley Moore, David Drummond, Sian Gammie, Alen Delic

ADVERTISING AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Mary Atkin ADVERTISING Joe Smith joe.smith@what-media.com

Donna Parry Dave Hudson James Marsh

BBM

BRITISH BALLS MAGAZINE

ADVERTISING & PROMOTIONS MANAGER Tom Shakir PO Box 784 Queen Victoria Building NSW 1230

www.bbmlive.com info@what-media.com

ph: (02) 8231 7700 fax: (02) 9299 4966

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SALES AND MARKETING DIRECTOR Guchi Shakir PRINTED BY Spotpress

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UK NEWS A BODY OF WATER THOSE forward thinkers at Redditch Borough Council have come up with a novel new way of keeping the local swimming pool heated, by using the excess energy from the crematorium next door. In other words, your grandma’s burning corpse is keeping the local pool nice and toasty. It’s what she would have wanted. “The cremation process is a sensitive matter and we wanted to be sure our proposals had widespread support,” said council leader Carole Gandy. “The practice is quite common in parts of Europe and especially in Sweden.” Lesbianism’s popular in Sweden as well, Carole, but we don’t see you donning a blonde wig, putting on an accent and licking out the leader of the opposition in a bid to help bin collection.

‘sociable’ and ‘able’ man but who was ‘seriously challenged in all aspects of his mental functionality’.

The judge ruled: “I therefore make a declaration that at the present time Alan does not have the capacity to consent to and engage in sexual relations. “In such circumstances it is agreed that the present regime for Alan’s supervision and for the prevention of future sexual activity is in his best interests.”

The 41-year-old, known only as Alan, has an IQ of 48 and is in a relationship with another fella. But his local council said his ‘sex drive’ was inappropriate and that the relationship should be cut short because he didn’t know what he was doing.

The ruling could be a breakthrough for those of us who have “moral objections” to the idea of mentally inept people having sex. Like Katie Price and Paris Hilton.

Alan (pictured) was described in the court as a

NICE CUT OF MEAT YET another reason why eating a doner kebab after a night out is a good idea,* they can save your life. James Hobbs, of Somerset, had just bought a kebab when he had his throat slit with a knife outside Tasty Bitez in Highbridge. James takes up the story… “I instinctively whacked the

kebab to my neck to restrict blood flow. It’s pure luck I was hungry.” The jobless dad lost 6½ pints of blood by the time medics arrived and needed an op to open his windpipe so he could breathe. Doctors then bandaged the wound with a chicken

WEIRDY baldo chef Heston Blumenthal is at it again. Not content with turning cheese on toast into a 17th century frigate or something, the owner of the world-famous Fat C*nt restaurant has whipped up a new pizza to help kids eat NHS food. Surprise, surprise, it’s vaguely disgusting with Heston serving up the unconventional topping of worms at Liverpool’s Alder Hey hospital. The chef, also known for making a bowl of porridge look like his own penis, visited the hospital for new Channel 4 TV series Heston’s Michelin Impossible.

GHOSTLY GOINGS ON

SMART SEX A BLOKE back in the UK has been banned from having sex… because he’s not smart enough. Let’s hope they don’t apply the same law to women or BBM will never get laid.

MORE THAN WORMS

schnitzel burger, infused him with Thousand Island sauce and took him to hospital on stretcher made out of a carton of chicken tikka. *other than the fact that nothing turns a woman on more than watching a sweaty fat bloke slobbering grease and meat down his chin.

THORPE Park’s latest water ride has been moved because easily-scared, possibly drunk, employees are convinced it’s previous spot was haunted. BBM will tell you what’s really spooky at Thorpe Park - £4 for a hot dog. Jesus wept. A paranormal detection group was called to the Surrey shithouse and discovered the Storm Surge water ride was being built over Monk’s Walk, a path dating to AD666 near an ancient abbey and church. Because if you’d spent a chaste lifetime praising the Lord, wearing sandals and shaving off the middle bit of your hair only to be left in limbo when you died, you’d probably want a go on the rapids in the afterlife too. Jim Arnold, of Southwest London Paranormal, said his investigation had led to ‘striking results’. “Orbs, ghostly images in photography and ouija reaction results were the strongest around the site where they were proposing to build Storm Surge,” he said. And yet absolutely no physical, photographic or scientific evidence to prove your claims Jim. Now that is an unexplainable phenomenon.

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BIMBO DELUXE & LUCKY COQ PRESENT

UK NEWS GRAN OF ATTACK A GROUP of armed robbers pulled of a near-perfect crime in Northampton this week but failed to factor in one crucial aspect… a bat-shit crazy pensioner with a bag of shopping and a grudge. CCTV footage shows six men wearing helmets pull up on the high street on motorbikes to rob a jewellry store. They’ve just completed their nefarious deed and getting back on their bikes with their ill-gotten haul when 71-year-old vigilante Ann Timpson spots the commotion. At first the easily-confused bedwetter thought the robbers were beating up someone, so charged headlong at the hammer-wielding thugs, flailing her shopping as she did. “I was not going to stand by and watch someone take a beating so I intervened,” she said.

“As I got closer I saw it was a robbery - and then I was even MORE angry that they felt they could get away with that in broad daylight. One of the gang shot off down Gold Street on a scooter and nearly hit a woman and baby. “I clobbered him with my shopping, but he got away. The rest were still trying to smash and grab the jewellery. “I just kept swinging my bag, then they tried to escape. I landed several blows against one lad on the back of a bike and brought him to the ground. He raised a hammer to me so I kept hitting out and shouting for others to bring them down. Several people then came to help. It seemed to be over in seconds.” Four suspects were later charged in connection with the raid in Northampton town centre, with a lesser charge of being made to look like pussies by a grandma still pending.

LEAF IT OUT WHILE brave gran Ann Timpson (see main story) was fending off armed robbers, 77-year-old Irene Robinson was being made a prisoner in her own home. It wasn’t rowdy teens with asbos, al Qaida or Andy Gray making Irene’s life a misery though – it was a bunch of leaves. The front of her home and her neighbour’s, has been surrounded by a one-metre deep pile of leaves driven by decidedly chilly winter winds of more than 112kph. “I could not even get out my front door on Monday it was so bad,” said the old dear. “I had to go round the back. It has been like this all week, I have lived here 23 years and I have never seen it like this. I have asked the council for help clearing it off my drive but they said they can only clear leaves from the footpaths.”

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UK NEWS LES BE FRIENDS IF THERE’S one thing BBM hates more than the gay community, it’s homophobes. It’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Gary Bushell. Sort it!

inspector to stop mincing as he walked around the station and to act more professionally. He’s since been accused of making a “stupid and frivolous” gripe.

So imagine our disgust when we read about a gay homophobe working in Scotland Yard this week.

“This is ridiculous and brings the service into disrepute,” said former Met Commander John O’Connor. “The chief inspector, who understands what it is like to be gay, is right to have a word with him if his conduct is damaging. This is not because he is gay.”

The lesbian police officer in question has been accused of homophobia after telling a gay cop (pictured) to ‘tone down’ his campness. The 26-year-old man was told by the chief

Of course if he’s not happy with his job, we hear there’s an opening in the Village People…

LORD VOLDEPAWS HE killed Harry Potter’s parents, released the giant basilisk and loves persecuting muggles but now it seems the evil Lord Voldemort is happy enough just coughing up fur balls.

Animal welfare assistant Marie Loveridge said: “At first glance, people may be

put off because Charlie does look like Lord Voldemort who is the Harry Potter baddie. “But although some people might think Charlie is a bit quirky-looking after having his ears and nose removed, he is still a lovely, playful cat who just adores attention.

IF getting drunk on Oxford Street in Sydney has taught BBM anything, it’s that agreeing to have things inserted into your ass is a bad idea. However, the worst that happened to us was that we couldn’t sit down for a week. In the case of British wan-

IMAGINE if do-gooding ‘80s survivalist and science boffin Macgyver was evil. You’ve just imagined Army reservist Nicholas Fabian, who stole a grenade from work so he could booby-trap his pregnant wife’s car because she suspected (correctly) he was having an affair. The grenade was placed on the driver’s side wheel arch and rigged to explode as the Mazda moved off. His wife suffered serious leg wounds as she drove away from the family home in Kent but made a full recovery. Ten out of ten to Nicholas for ingenuity and pyrotehniques, but points deducted for not realising the police might point the finger of blame at the only member of the family with access to grenades. Try monoxide poison next time mate.

Yes He-who-shall-notbe-named must have had another horcrux hidden away in a tray of kitty litter as he’s come back in cat form. Currently known as “Charlie” by rescue centre bosses in Southampton, the poor tabby is having a hard time being rehoused because he had his ears and nose cut off and now bears an uncanny resemblance to You-KnowWho.

HUBBY GETS BANGED UP

THE PODDY SNATCHERS

“Charlie has no problems with not having ears or a complete nose - he hears you, smells things as normal and does have the sneezes now and then.”

YOBS terrorising local neighbourhoods could be hit where it hurts under a new Home Office scheme - by having their iPods taken away.

Charlie is also house trained, great at chasing rats and can speak the language of snakes.

The “community trigger” is one of a raft of proposals which form part of a Government consultation on anti-social behaviour.

nabe hip-hop star Claudia Aderotimi, though, it proved fatal. Aderotimi flew to the USA to have illegal ‘bum-shaping’ surgery to give her a more curvaceous figure in her quest to be famous – but died after suffering chest pains following an injection of silicone.

Crime Prevention Minister James Brokenshire said: “It is time for a new approach that better supports victims and makes it easier for the authorities to take fast, effective action.” Another punishment being considered is to force offenders to live with alleged actor and professional Twitterer Ashton Kutcher for a week.

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IRISH NEWS OFF WITH THEIR JED POP cocks Jedward (pictured below) have been branded “cheats”, “rotters” and “fucking freaks” after their bid for Ireland’s entry to this year’s Eurovision was leaked online. The doppelganger dickheads signed a contract with RTE that clips of all the entries would get their first airing on Eurosong: The Players, a behind-the-scenes documentary on RTE.

Irish music fans are a bit miffed – and not just because Jedward are shity. “On Thursday afternoon RTE learnt that a short audio clip of Jedward’s single was released on a website. “RTE took immediate action and the clip was taken down overnight. “RTE is now reviewing the matter with the independent auditor, Michael O’Neill, from PricewaterhouseCoopers.”

But the mirror-image monkeys had their saucy single Lipstick aired in 30-second clips on Amazon last Thursday, over two days before the official release date.

It is unclear what action RTE will take at the time of going to press, but BBM is pushing for castration.

SHE’S GOT BALLS INDEPENDENT general election candidate Ann Sweeney thinks the EU is a load of bollocks. No really, she wrote it down and put it on an election poster. The “offending” campaign photo was on show at one of Sweeney’s weekly “tea” meetings, for constituents in Donegal South West. Supporters who looked closely at one of her election posters were able to read her disgust at her country being in hock to the IMF and EU. In unparliamentary language, the small print

read: “Bollox to the bailout”. The foul-mouthed tea lover was unrepentant though, shrugging off criticism to go off on a rant about fossil fuels off the Irish Coast. “There’s about €600bn of it there in the lifetime of the Corrib field and Bertie Ahern signed it over to Norway, Shell, Statoil and a Canadian conglomerate on a 25-year retrospective tax-break. “Norway now has a universal healthcare service on those profits,” said the Tourettes sufferer.

SHORTT FALL LIMERICK councillor Tom Shortt has an unusual way of winning over potential elderly voters. Sue them. Shortt has gone to court for compensation from his 91-year-old neighbour after he fell through her shed roof and broke his foot while clearing overgrowth. Apparently the mard-arse twat was in hospital for 10 days and was hobbling for three months. “I don’t know what I am going to do, I am in an awful state,” said confused pensioner Josephine O’Flynn. Shortt was elected to Limerick City Council as a Labour councillor following the local elections in 2009. We don’t think he’ll be getting elected again. 12

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IT’S NOT singing, judging pop competitions and being faithful to his wife that Ronan Keating isn’t very good at – he can’t play football either. The shagabout Boyzone singer had a kickabout with Gianfranco Zola and Zinedine Zidane in a charity match in Abu Dhabi last week. He then made stars such as Kevin Spacey, Morgan Freeman and Rafael Nadal clutch their ears in pain with a few of his insipid hits.

A RECORD-HAUL of contraband cancer sticks were stopped from being brought into North Dublin last week, after smugglers attempted to sneak no less than six million cigarettes into the country. It is estimated the cigarettes had a retail value of €2.5m and a potential loss to the exchequer of €2.1m. Police are hunting for anyone with lung-hacking coughs and yellow teeth to help with their enquiries.

SOMEONE call the Wolfe Tones, the masses are rising against their oppressors! Hurrah! And by ‘oppressors’ we mean Ryanair. And by masses we mean 100 passengers who were so pissed off about the cost of carry-on baggage that a scuffle broke out and they were refused on board. Tis mutiny Jim lad! The disruption kicked off when Ryanair tried to charge a passenger extra for carry-on baggage and his friends on the plane ‘rose up’. “Following disruptive behaviour, the police required for security reasons that this group be refused travel,” Ryanair said. Of the 168 passengers taken off the plane, only 64 were allowed to reboard the flight.

WORLD NEWS COMEDY OF ERRORS SOME days, nothing goes right. Especially when you’re a fucking moron. It was just another night for Cody Wilkins when he broke into a house in Silver Spring in the US. Okay, not his best decision. But it gets worse. While robbing the house for jewellery he was discovered by the resident’s son. The boy screamed and Wilkins jumped out the window and ran off. So far so good. Unfortunately for Wilkins, he left one major piece of evidence behind. His DNA? His balaclava? No. He left his mobile phone, which he had plugged into a power socket to charge. Detectives then called a number

THIS just in from WikiLeaks...

in the phone and spoke to a woman whom they told Wilkins had been involved in an ‘incident’ and they needed to know his name.

It looks like everybody’s favourite terrorist / freedom fighter (depending on whether you’re American or not, of course) Julian Assange (pictured) wasn’t happy with dipping his glass in the punchbowl with some Swedish girls, if you catch our drift.

He has now been remanded in custody and is being charged with 10 separate robberies with his bail set at $1million. Police claim there have been 42 robberies of this kind in the area this year.

Oh no, the creepy founder of WikiLeaks apparently is after a different type of pussy - abusing his former roommate’s cat.

Wilkins claimed that his house had a blackout and he needed somewhere to charge his phone. It’s understandable. Last time our office had a blackout, BBM fucked off to the pub, stole money from the till and then left a thank you note with our business card.

TRANS-PACIFIC FLIGHT BE careful the next time you start eyeing up a stewardess and wondering what it would be like to join the Mile High club. You could end up joining a different club altogether.

In Daniel Domscheit-Berg’s new book, Inside WikiLeaks, he claims that “Julian was constantly battling for dominance, even with my tomcat Herr Schmitt.” We question the mental stability of a man who calls his cat Herr Schmitt, but the claims get better. “Ever since Julian lived with me in Wiesbaden he (the cat) has suffered from psychosis. Julian would constantly attack the animal. He would spread out his fingers like a fork and grab the cat’s throat.” Instead of trying to arrest Julian like the Swedes, or lead the sheep to believe he’s a threat to national security like the Americans, we think the cat has the best solution for solving the Assange problem.

New Thai airline, PC Air, has recruited four ladyboys as flight attendants, the first in the country to do so.

“He managed to dispatch Julian with a quick swipe of the paw,” Daniel claims.

“When I knew that I got this job, I burst into tears because I’m very happy,” said 24-year-old Chayathisa Nakmai, while adjusting his nuts under a skirt. “I had sent many applications to different airlines.”

FRENCH FANCY FRENCH police have arrested a 63year-old woman who was leading a 40-year-old bloke around the streets of Carcassonne by a penis leash in the middle of the afternoon. Those French eh? Kinky buggers. Apparently the bloke had his cock visibly exposed when the pair were detained. They later admitted to being sex addicts who were in the middle of a game.

FOR years, BBM have been wishing that car crashes were more like the movies and less like those god-awful AAMI commercials. Well we were partying inside BBM towers this week because our dreams had finally come true. Last week in Washington, an American man spotted his rival and intentionally rammed his Ford into the man’s vehicle as he backed out of his driveway. The assailant brandished a sword, swinging it at his enemy. The suspect fell, giving the victim time to pick up a machete that happened to be laying in his yard and defend himself from his alleged attacker. Awesome.

Thank God they weren’t playing Deal or No Deal. God knows what they would have used for the box.

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WORLD NEWS APPLE OF YOUR EYE

GONE IN AN ASH BBM has heard of a lot of innovative ash-tray inventions in our time. Empty beer bottles, coffee cups, an old shoe, the pool. Hell, if it’s just you, why not use your belly-button? But there’s one thing we would never use as a makeshift ash-tray: a hole in the floor. Yep, that’s what started a fire recently at a home in Portland, Oregon. The incident has left the residents with a $30,000 damages bill.

shouldn’t be a surprise that there was a fire,” said Public Information Officer Paul Corah. “That’s not careless smoking, that’s stupid smoking.” When pressed on the issue Mr Corah explained that careless smoking is when you accidentally blow smoke in your baby’s face. Stupid smoking is aiming smoke away from babies who you know to be American.

The fire brigade were called at 10:30am. Here’s to hoping their boozy night had carried on ‘til morning because anyone who ashes into the floor first thing in the morning probably has a few more issues than just their eventual emphysema.

WE feel that it’s always best to use the right tool for the right job. That’s why we use a machete to top-and-tail beans and a Samurai Sword when dicing onions. 13-year-old Ren gets where we’re coming from. That’s why he used a 20cm long knife to peel an apple. And then stab himself in the face. Ren was walking around his house in Zhumadian, in central China’s Henan Province, when he slipped and plunged the knife through his cheek, just under his eye. Amazingly the knife was embedded 7cm into his head but missed both his eye and brain. After a successful operation to remove the knife, surgeons assured the boy that he should make a full recovery.

A spokesperson for the fire brigade claims that whoever rang the emergency number simply screamed that the fire department was needed, before hanging up.

Lucky for some. We still have a jousting stick in our chest from a nasty potato mashing incident.

“If that’s true, (about the floor ash-tray) it

BABY YOU’RE A FIREWORK EVER thought insurance just isn’t worth it? We’re hoping the owners of the Dynasty Wanxin Hotel in China knew better.

end there wasn’t much left to save.

While Chinese residents celebrated the Lunar New Year this week, the owners of the 5 Star Luxury Hotel thought the fireworks were a bit over the top especially when they set fire to their hotel and burnt it to the ground.

Apparently New Year fires are quite common in China with 160 fires this year in the country’s capital alone. And this isn’t the first time the celebrations have led to disaster. In 2009, a hotel was burnt down in Beijing in similar circumstances.

As the building was 720-feet tall, the fire-fighters reportedly had trouble reaching the top and in the

Not to mention the 2005 celebrations when there was no back half to the dancing dragon.

Whoops.

NOT FEELING LUCKY WHAT do you call the Google executive who you can’t find? Ironic, that’s what. Google’s head of marketing for Middle East and North Africa, Wael Ghonim, was released last week, more than seven days after he went missing in Egypt. Ghonim had helped set up the website for Egyptian opposition leader Mohamed ElBaradei, as well as showing others how to use Twitter and Facebook. What did he exclaim when he was released? “Yahoo!” Once again, ironic.

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SOAPS CORONATION ST. WHEN Nick pays Leanne a visit with a one-way ticket to Italy and insists they should go and start a new life together, Leanne explodes and tears the ticket up. However it looks like Peter may be wising up to Leanne’s lies when he sees Nick storming away from their flat. He goes to talk to Tracey, but she is tornover whether to tell him the truth or keep her silence as Ken and Deirdre asked her to.

Valentine’s Day marriage vows renewal ceremony, will Peter find out? Elsewhere poor Sophie is feeling like no one has time for her problems as she is over shadowed by older sister Rosie who gets sacked for a modeling job as she refuses to go topless. And when Sally goes on a swanky lunch date with Jeff, Kevin decides to sabotage it by telling her that Sophie has got in trouble at college for skipping class.

With only one week to go to their big

EastEnders JANINE’S been sinking her Roxy, gets a punch in the face from Jack for his troubles. teeth into young Whitney and Kat gets one over on Janine whoring her out. However, when she offers Whitney a job Whitney goes one better than in the pub. being made a prostitute and steals a man’s wallet. Will it get Meanwhile Heather is the pair in more trouble than desperate for money and works they bargained for? herself into a state. Unable to afford to get her boiler fixed, Tensions run high between Ronnie and Jack as unable to she has to bathe baby George in the sink at cope with her lies, and wanting the laundrette Michael out of and hides her their house, financial woes from everyone. Ronnie decides to tell Jack that Shirley lets her Michael tried it down when on with her. she doesn’t turn up for An innocent their arranged Michael who is evening in. dating her sister

SARAH tries to sniff out a story, while Bob clarif es his story for Deegan. The Dillon’s rally around Neasa, who grieves with Bob in their own way. Leo refuses to help Dean in any way with his cake-making so Caoimhe reminds Leo of what’s important. She’s then swept off her feet by Dean. Meanwhile Carol makes the most of being home alone. TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

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HOLLYOAKS + THINGS are dramatic in the village this week, as the McQueens ask Theresa to run away in order to avoid Kyle, who she accused of killing Calvin. When Ethan goes to meet her in a car park, she is nowhere to be seen, and it becomes apparent that Kyle has kidnapped her and baby Angel. Later, strapped to a chair, Theresa begs Kyle to let her tend to her baby, and she finds an unlikely weapon, but her efforts are thwarted and 18

Emmerdale

she winds up tied up again. Meanwhile Warren has been suspicious of Kyle and Brendan and manages to track them to the hiding place. As he goes to save Theresa he is knocked out cold.

HAZEL goes to visit Chas this week and asks if she knows about Aaron and Flynn. When Chas says she encouraged him, Heather is hurt and says she should be more understanding for Jackson.

Carmel and Ethan realise that Theresa and Angel have been kidnapped and as they rush to find her, things take a tragic turn.

Jackson is adamant he has no problem with Aaron moving on, but her heart later breaks when she hears Jackson making a video diary about how he really feels.

During a struggle, Theresa tells Ethan that she killed Calvin. Ethan falls down a lift shaft and as a terrified Carmel and Theresa look on, a gun shot is fired.

Aaron is left distant on a date with Flynn as he has Jackson on his mind, and when Flynn decides to leave and tells him he

has his number if he wants to be honest, Aaron decides to arrange a drink for all three of them. However when it looks like Jackson isn’t going to turn up, Flynn suggests they go into town. Just as they are about to get the bus, he sees Jackson coming up the road, and decides to get on the bus, leaving Jackson utterly heart broken to see him going off with Flynn. Elsewhere Jai gives Charity a flash new car, BBM-595 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

GOSSIP THE ADVENTURES OF KIM KARDASSIAN KIM Kardashian wasn’t the only person who was shocked by the news that covering yourself in nothing but silver body-paint could look tacky. No, wait. She was. Kardashian (pictured) broke down in tears on the latest episode of Kourtney and Kim Take New York (or at least, we were told she was...) after seeing her naked photoshoot for the first time, sobbing, “Oh my God, I’m more naked that I was in Playboy.” No. Seriously. Playboy? We think maybe her dignity had taken a few hits before now. After studying the photos Kardashian then stated, “I’m glad I did it.”

Way to cover up that publicity stunt. “I’m never taking my clothes off again, even if it’s for Vogue,” she vowed. No one looked upset at the news. It was awkward. While fashion experts are busy drawing comparison between a silver Kardashian and Tin Man the rest of the world is still trying to work out who the fuck she is.

TWO AND A HALF GRAMS AS if Charlie’s not copping enough stick for his recent hospitalisation for a “hernia” slash coke habit. Now comedienne Joan Rivers in getting in on the act claiming he’s a bad role model (duh) and should clean up his act for the sake of his children. Joan (pictured) told The Advocate, “I think

he’s an ass. When you have a child, darling, you’d better start setting an example. Childhood for you is over when you have a child. I find it outrageous to be carrying on like that.” And boy has Joan set an example for her children. She definitely has been practicing what she preaches. That’s why all her children were given facelifts, tummy-tucks and nose jobs as they shot out of her. Joan continued the verbal-bashing by asking, “What am I going to tell my grandson who watches Two and a Half Men? I just think he’s awful.” Well, that’s not a very nice thing to say about your grandson.

BOOM BOOM.. FIZZLE JUDGING by the Black Eyed Peas’ half-time performance at last week’s Super Bowl, BBM is utterly amazed that the Peas’ Fergie was able to suck more than Sarah Ferguson at a foot convention.

from, roughly three million American viewers tuned away from the show. That doesn’t take into account the people who watched the flashy Tron ripoff on mute like the BBM offices.

Fergie described the experience as “oncein-a-lifetime.” Personally we were hoping for “never-in-a-lifetime” but we might be able to settle for once.

Of course, this isn’t as bad as Christina Aguilera forgetting the national anthem lyrics, but how hard is it to remember Black Eyed Peas songs? Just repeat “Imma Be” or the days of the week - easy.

JESUS, it must be like Groundhog Day for Lindsay Lohan. The second rate crim could be facing another stint in the slammer after apparently stealing a necklace that is worth £2,500. High crime, clearly. Lawyers have informed her that she may well have to go back under lock and key. However we’re all well aware that the ginger jail bird isn’t one for completing her prison sentences, so it should be a walk in the park for her. We’re sure she’ll enjoy the ‘bonding’ time with her inmates nonetheless. Perhaps, subconsciously that’s the reason she keeps dabbling in illegal activity? And that’s BBM’s psychoanalytical pondering for the week done and dusted.

EVERYTHING’S PEACHY IN POLITICS IS there nothing ridiculously stupid Peaches Geldof won’t say for a shred of attention? Short Answer: No. Long Answer: The daddy’s girl recently decided to discuss the state of the UK government, by of course not commenting on their policies and what not. Right? “He’s fit,” she said of David Milliband. “In fact, both Miliband brothers - and David Cameron, for that matter - are quite fit. British politics has a suave thing going on.” Thanks for that, Peaches, we’ll make sure to vote ‘Pretty’ in the polls next time.

Unlike the carwreck you can’t look away

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GOSSIP THE NO PANTS DANCE AH, Valentine’s Day. A day where couples everywhere exchange gifts in honour of Saint Hallmark. Good times. Believe it or not, BBM was never the most popular person on Valentine’s Day back in school. While our class was writing cards and the school skank was giving discounted head behind the toilets, we were in the compost eating worms for money. It was a tough job, but somebody had to do it. However, nothing’s tougher than divorcing Katie Price. Well, except for dating her. So on this week of love, spare a

thought for Alex Reid, BBM’s favourite crossdressing cage fighter, as he deals with the devastation of a 10 million pound settlement. But there was one part of the settlement that Alex didn’t get, but he stole it anyway. A pair of Katie’s pants. No, not trousers, her underpants. According to Heat, Reid intentionally wore Price’s pants as his drag alter-ego Roxanne to annoy her during the final stages of their relationship. It was also claimed that Price bought a padlock for her bedroom to stop Reid entering while she was asleep. Take it from us, Alex, it’s never fun to enter while she’s asleep.

BBM are well aware that being pregnant can make one a tad gassy. At least, that’s our excuse and we’re sticking to it. So it was no surprise when Myleen Klass decided to let one rip on live TV whilst doing the National Lottery results over the weekend. There was no mistaking her dulcet tones as the deadly gas made its television debut for the nation to hear. Luckily, having the personality of a much less attractive woman, Klass was able to be jolly and laugh her ass off about the whole incident.

THERE GOES CHARLIE’S SHEEN

AS tempting as it is for BBM to dedicate the entire Gossip section to Charlie Sheen, we need to show self-restraint (unlike Sheen) and limit ourselves to two stories.

After his now legendary coke binge with four porn stars that landed him up in hospital, it looks like one of the unlucky girls is set to cash in on the incident - surprised? Neither are we.

direction of the project changed, so now Kacey will do an adult film about her own encounter with the Hollywood actor.” Sign us up, we’ll need an advance copy for our reviews section thanks.

Kacey Jordan has reportedly signed up to recreate the night in a porno. Sources say that “The studio offered Kacey close to $100,000 to lure the five porn actresses who were with Charlie to star in the film.”

Clearly karma for not joining the Spice Girls at the London Olympics next year, shots have come out revealing Posh’s iPhone background: a naked photo of David.

Turns out the others weren’t so into the idea. Continuing, they commented that “The

ONE night, BBM was surfing through the channels to find something remotely entertaining to sooth our insomniatic ways.

that ducks even have vaginas, let alone typed the two words next to each other. Prepare to be amazed.

What we found, however, was a terrifying short film named Green Porno and starring 30 Rock and Blue Velvet star Isabella Rossellini. In Green Porno, Rossellini reenacts the mating rituals of various insects and other animals with cardboard cut-outs and foam-rubber sculptures. As we said, terrifying.

“I don’t know about the most interesting sex life but the female duck has an interesting vagina. It has a lot of dead ends, like a maze. Female ducks are often raped violently by a group of males. She can decide where the sperm goes. If she is mated by a male she likes and thinks would be good for her babies, then she would let his sperm go to a channel that leads to her eggs. Otherwise, she can send the sperm to a dead end. Extraordinary.”

So it’s no surprise that in a recent interview, Isabella decided to explain how interesting duck’s vaginas are. BBM can honestly say, we have never even thought about the fact 22

SHE can look like a stunned mullet all she likes, but the papparazi have finally cracked old Victoria Beckham.

She made the slip-up shortly after touching down in New York City, as she faced photographers while brandishing her phone. David actually has a photo of Victoria set as his iPhone background too, so he remembers which one he’s married to. We bet it stops him from drunk dialing random girls at night as well.

We just vomited a bit in our mouth. BBM-595 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

THE WRAP

WEEKEND WEEKS IN TOTAL BOX EARNINGS RELEASE OFFICE

FILM

DUE to the absolute barrage of popular demand and the impending sell out of his Chinese Laundry show, Sasha’s been moved from Chinese Laundry, to the more spacious location of The Forum. Good Vibrations Sydney: Feb 12th Melbourne: Feb 13th Gold Coast: Feb 19th The Forum: Feb 18th

THE MAN FROM UNKLE TOURING on the back of their fourth studio album, Where Did The Night Fall, the band will bring their unique live sound to Australia for the first time since 2008’s Big Day Out. Billboard, Melbourne: April 29 Hi-Fi Brisbane: May 3 Sydney Opera House: May 9 Bakery, Perth: May 11

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A U S T R A L I A

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A U S T R A L I A

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MAN IN THE MIDDLETON

FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

AS a DJ, Tom Middleton has performed in almost every corner of the globe to crowds as large as 150,000. With his widescreen musical repertoire, he’s spent years championing styles long before they were the norm. Canberra: Trinity Bar, Feb 18 Sydney: Chinese Laundry, Feb 19 Playground Weekender: Feb 20

ON BBMLIVE.COM THIS WEEK CHRISTIAN TV: WHEN SHE TURNS 18 After hijacking airwaves with last years hypnotic I Need Air, Magnetic Man makes a masterful return with new single Getting Nowhere, featuring renowned Grammyaward-winning soulful songsmith John Legend. With the album gaining rapid recognition, Magnetic Man are starting to get somewhere...

COMPETITIONS AFTER rocking tens of thousands of screaming fans at Melbourne’s Etihad stadium on New Years Eve, the planet’s reigning #1 DJ and international Trance superstar, Armin Van Buuren, is on his way back to Australian shores for another exclusive, one-night only affair that’s simply not to be missed. BBM has two double passes to the Sydney show to give away.

AS mentioned above, Sasha’s gig has been moved to The Forum in Sydney. He’ll be playing on February 18th from 10pm. Tickets are $45 and are available from Moshtix. BBM has tickets to give away to the show, simply visit the website and tell us why we should hand over the tickets to you.

ON Sunday February 27th, the Greenwood Hotel courtyard will feature a Calvin Harris DJ set with the support of the House scene’s heavyweights; John Glover, Matt Nukewood, Cadell, Ember, Steve Play, Ben Morris, Joey Kaz and Sancho, hosted by MC Losty. BBM has eight double passes to the event to give away - how exciting!

A BUNCH of film, television, comic and anime guests will be meeting fans, signing autographs and taking photos at Sydney’s Armageddon Expo. To celebrate, BBM has f ve double passes to the event to give away. Armageddon takes place at Sydney Olympic Park on February 26 and 27th.

TO ENTER ANY OF THESE COMPS, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/COMPETITIONS.HTML 24

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REVIEWS NO STRINGS ATTACHED CASTDIRECTORRELEASEDRATING Natalie Portman Ashton Kutcher Ludacris Kevin Kline I really hope Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway watch No Strings Attached, a film that doesn’t rely on a bunch of sex scenes to make it watchable. Unlike Love & Other Drugs, this is a sharply-written comedy

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that avoids a lot (but not all) of cliches, instead focusing on the entertaining cast of characters. From Natalie and (the surprisingly watchable) Ashton to my new crush, Abby Elliott, this is a really well-cast film

where everyone gets a chance to shine - a rare romcom that doesn’t ignore the supporting players. If Black Swan wasn’t your bag, this may be the guilty pleasure you need. Ben Harlum

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INTERVIEW Ewan Pearson has been making records for a living since 1998, as well as remixing tracks for Depeche Mode, Chemical Brothers and countless others. He’s hitting Playground Weekender this week and BBM’s ALEX McINTYRE caught up with him on the phone. You’re visiting Playground Weekender for the third year in a row, do you have an outf t for dress up day? I didn’t even know about the dress up thing the first year I came. I was at the festival chatting to the people next door and they were like “Oh don’t worry, we’ve got a spare costume.” Never trust someone who says that … I know! They came out with this amazing sunshine carebear outfit that they’d bought in Japan, so I basically was a sunshine bear that evening which was quite remarkable.

EWRASNON PEA

You can’t dress up as a DJ... Absolutely not, that would be shocking, terrible behaviour. I’ll have to confer with friends of mine in Sydney but I have a horrible feeling they are already plotting something for me. Do you prefer working with other artists or on your own material? Well, I do remixes and I do my own bits and bobs but there is always something exciting. The thing that’s good about collaboration is you’re surprised more often because I get a bit bored of me, and trying to surprise myself is the hardest thing to do in the world. Whereas, when you are working with other people you get constantly surprised. Sometimes in a bad way but most often in a good way.

Of course the following year I was playing and somebody went and got me another one, so I was a pink Care Bear that time. I don’t know what I’m going to do this year; hopefully I’m not going to be a Care Bear three years in a row.

INTERVIEW

SINCE their formation in 1980, they’ve sold over 100 million albums, packed out stadiums across the globe and yet continue to enjoy the kind of underground respect that bands like U2 and Coldplay would end third-world debt for. So when BBM’s self-confessed Depeche Mode love-freak RICHARD GADSBY got the chance to speak to founder member Andy Fletcher ahead of a trip to Australia, he almost violated himself in excitement… Hi Andy, how are you? I’m good thanks. I’ve been looking forward to this. This is the highlight of my week. (Slightly confused) Really? British Balls Magazine. It’s a very interesting name… Ahh, we get that a lot. So what have you been up to? I’ve just come back from DJing in the Ukraine which was great but I’m 50-years-old now and all this traveling around starts to take its toll.

ANDY FLETCHER 28

So you thought you’d come to Australia. Yes! We [Depeche Mode] have always felt Australia was a big failure in our career. We never went at the right time and Dave [Gahan, lead singer] was in a real bad way last time. We’re still trying

These bad suprises... anything you want to elaborate on? Oh no... the difference between working and producing is the people skills you have to learn. I did all my previous work on my own and now I have to be a teacher, be a psychologist, be a coach. You have to do all these different things to get the performance out of people. And are you good at that? I don’t know, you’d have to ask them! I enjoy doing it, I found it really hard at first and now I’ve sort of gotten into it over time. Playground Weekender hits Wisemans Ferry in NSW between February 17 - 20.

to fit in a tour. You know, we’re not getting any younger but we still feel we can make good music. There’s maybe another two albums there so maybe the next album we’ll try and fit in a tour down there. So you’ve been playing stadiums all over the world for over two decades now, what made you want to DJ at these smaller venues? Well I don’t really get much chance to do my own thing, there’s about four months when I’m free between albums and my family get fed up with me so I go across the world to DJ. By the time it’s finished I expect Martin [Gore, DM’s main songwriter] to start working on a new album. He’s working with Vince Clarke [original DM songwriter who left in 1981 to form Yazoo and Erasure] on a minimal techno album which is coming to an end. Then I expect I’ll get the signal. So what sort of stuff can we expect from the DJ set? It’s kind of looking at the band from a historical perspective, so you’ve got some DM remixes in there and some pretty cool dance music too. What new music are you into? I quite like La Roux, they’re pretty good. To be honest I tend to play a lot of remixes… a multitude of mixes (laughs). Andy Fletcher will DJ at the City Hotel in Sydney (free entry) on Wednesday, February 16th and will also play at the Playground Weekender festival between February 17-20.

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INTERVIEW Tommayn Tiern

Following a hugely successful sell-out tour of Australia in 2010 Ireland’s second-most popular celebrity Tommy Teirnan is back. And we like him better than Bono anyway. Designer Wino is the latest stand-up tour from Tommy, and BBM’s SIAN GAMMIE caught up with him - who assured us that he only understood every second word we said…

Controversy has kind of followed me around like a dog that I’m trying to get rid of. He always turns up every year or two. And it’s always somebody else’s dog. He barks at me but I don’t understand what he says. Anytime there’s a controversy you can be sure that very bored people are at the centre of it. In terms of stirring it up it’s always very very bored people who don’t have a lot going on - no friends to go out and get drunk with.

Your last tour was sold out. What made you want to come back? Money. You think Australians have money? Even more than Irish people have anyway. I’ve actually been hired by the Irish government to go out and get some money to bring back to Ireland so we can feed ourselves. What can we expect from your Australian Tour? God only knows. If I knew exactly what was going to happen it wouldn’t be worth going because there’d there no surprises then. How do you draw the line between being controversial and just being an arsehole? Controversy is always in the ear of the beholder. I guess it it’s possible to be both. To be a controversial arsehole.

You have f ve kids, do you embarrass them? It’s gone beyond embarrassment now. I absolutely embarrass them. I’m getting to the dangerous stage now where I’m actually starting to enjoy it. I was in the car with three of my older children yesterday and I was trying to have a conversation with my oldest boy about school and stuff. He turned to the two children in the back seat and he said, “Hang on. Dad’s trying to be deep.” I absolutely embarrass them. If any of our readers want to heckle you at the shows what would you suggest? Do it in an Irish accent! So I can understand what they’re saying for starters. Designer Wino kicks off in Melbourne on March 30th before visiting Canberra, Hobart, Adelaide, Perth, Brisbane and f nishing up in Sydney on April 12th.

SYDNEY NEWS

READING THE TEA THIEVES

AS BBM’s old man would tell us, “if you want to make money, you gotta get creative.” Then again, he also used to chase women down the street holding a broom and yelling “Wacka Wacka Wacka!” but we try to forget that.

If he wasn’t in a catatonic state, he’d be proud of the criminal masterminds who decided to leave the drugs and banks to the amateurs. What was their stash of choice? We’re glad you asked. $300,000 worth of coffee and tea was stolen from a shipping container in Sydney. They were being stored at a Rockdale transport company, waiting to be exported. Police says the thieves (pictured) broke in some time between Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning and stole pallets of tea and coffee. They really should’ve stolen some portions of

tomato sauce - that shit is expensive you know, our local KFC charges us a dollar! Of course if you stick to the usual, chances are you’ll be caught like the eight men who were arrested yesterday in co-ordinated raids on properties up on the Central Coast. Police said that the men were a large part of an ice syndicate that has now been melted thanks to the arrests. Five of the men have been kept in custody to face court, while the other three have been granted bail to face court at a later date.

THEY say that the only two things you can be sure of in life are death and taxes, but BBM would have to add ‘injuries at air and motorcycle shows’ to the list. We swear not a day goes by without another amputated leg or broken arm as a result of a firey stunt show. The organisers should start advertising the gore and crashes on the event posters, that’ll draw in the sickos! Take the 24-year-old man (pictured) who attempted a jump at Macarthur Motorcycle Club. You don’t need us to tell you that he fell mid-jump, with the bike landing on his face.

Police also said that they are looking for the alleged coffee mastermind. He is described as being short and black.

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WHAT’S ON SYDNEY

I Am Kloot THEY’RE the Manchester three piece who entertain crowds worldwide with their twisted torch songs and heart-wrenching serenades. They’ll be visiting Australia for the very first time this week. For a band that prefers to play live than be in the recording studio, I Am Kloot’s latest offering Sky At Night is full of reflection and depth in the form of orchestras, choirs, saxophones and harps. When: February 18th Where: The Gaelic Cost: $33

Not Quite Cabaret ROLL UP, Roll up! Not Quite Cabaret Presents A Six Pack of Plays, an evening of six short plays that will take you on an adventure of hilarious, quirky and romantic moments. Laid out in the traditional Cabaret style, in the superb Paddington Arms, each play is 10 minutes long and there is plenty of time for food and drinks in between. With a knockout programme and stellar cast, you are guaranteed a superb evening of entertainment. When: Friday Nights, from March 11 Where: Paddington Arms Cost: $24 per person

TROPFEST is Australia’s most prestigious short film festival and one of its most iconic cultural events. It is also the largest short film festival in the world, and is recognised for its enormous contribution to the development of the Australian film industry by providing platforms for emerging filmmakers. Tropfest is free to attend. The festival itself is an outdoor celebration complete with live music and entertainment on the Gibson Artist Stage, public catering and bars, red carpet arrivals and the highly anticipated film screenings followed by an awards ceremony. When: February 20th, Gates Open Midday Where: The Domain USED to rocking tens of thousands in stadiums worldwide, Andy Fletcher from Depeche Mode will be playing one of the most intimate shows of his career at the City Hotel, in a 2 hour DJ set. When: February 16th Where: City Hotel Cost: Free NME touts Foster the People as the feel-good band of summer and they’re heading to Australia. They’re the hottest band to break out of Hollywood, armed with over one million YouTube hits to prove it. When: February 14th Where: Oxford Art Factory

AT age 19 Tom Ballard, law school drop-out, became the youngest ever winner of the prestigious Best Newcomer Award at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. When: February 8th Where: Belvoir St Theatre Cost: From $26 A FULL day of music and learning, Live at the Apple Store showcases up-and-coming local artists alongside workshops on GarageBand and Logic to fuel your musical passion. When: February 17th Where: Apple Store Cost: Free

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MELBOURNE NEWS SKY-HIGH PARKING PRICES THE cost of airport parking eh? It’s a bloody swiz. But if you’re still grumbling about the fact you had to shell out $10 for the 30 minutes it took to pick up your folks, spare a thought for Ballarat doctor Raveen Purba. Raveen has been hit with a bill of just under $900 after a severe illness meant she had to add an extra 44 days to her family holiday in Malaysia. The 33-year-old left Melbourne for Malaysia but suffered excruciating pain during the flight and an ear, nose and throat surgeon in Malaysia diagnosed the sinus condition. It meant she had to wait until the problem was cured before she could fly again. When she got back, she was told she couldn’t have her car (which was in the

long-term car park) unless she paid $879. ‘’It’s exorbitant. I was close to crying,’’ she said. ‘’Of course, I am so angry. I thought the longer you park here, the cheaper it would be.’’ Err… not exactly flawless logic there Raveen. We’re beginning to see where the problem may have started. In fairness, it turns out she has a point with the chairman of the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission, Graeme Samuel, blasting Melbourne Airport over the high cost of parking and lack of competition. The penny-squeezing gits make a fifth of their total revenue ($103.9 million a year) from parking. We’re assuming the rest comes from their ridiculously over-priced sandwiches.

BOAT BLOKE WHEN BBM first heard that Graeme Wylie had built a 70-tonne caravel in Warrnambool, we probably had the same reaction as you – what the fuck is a caravel? Well for those of you who haven’t played Sid Meier’s: Pirates! It’s a ye olde wooden boat from the 15th century, usually used by high seas traders and a common target for swashbucklers. It’s cost Wylie nearly $20,000 to build the retro monstrosity – which 21 metres long, six metres wide and 17 metres high. A 200-tonne crane launched The Notorious at Martins Point last week. ‘’’We are going to go extensively cruising on it,’’ said Graeme, of his wasted life. ‘’We have also had a lot of interest from Malacca - they were going to have a 500th-year re-enactment of a famous voyage through there.”

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WHAT’S ON MELBOURNE

WHAT is better when the sun is shining that standing, beer in the hand and swaying to some good old live music? Frankly, nothing much. So, with sunshine forecast we would recommend heading down to Flemington Racecourse and simply surrendering to the beat.

Sasha and Phoenix, this year’s Good Vibrations is beyond resistable. Especially given that everyone from Erykah Badu and Ludacris through to Fat Freddy’s Drop and The Ting Tings will also be gracing the stage. Be there or be a cucumber. When: 13th Feburary Where: Flemington Racecourse

With a line-up headlined by Faithless,

ALL danced out after Good Vibrations? Well, worry not. We have a solution for those of you wanting to check out the local music scene without wearing out those tapping toes any further. Local singer/songwriter Cilla Jane caused a stir with her Joni Mitchell-esque debut album Until Morning Comes but her soothing tones

calm with a shoulder sway rather than provoke a dancefloor romp. Armed with a harp and glockenspiel, Jane will be continuing her month long residency at Edinburgh Castle with her show this Wednesday. When: 16th February Where: Edinburgh Castle, Brunswick

SAMUEL Beckett is without any doubt one of the most revered playwrights in history. Viewed as one of the central Theatre of the Absurd writers, Beckett is best known for his 1953 masterpiece Waiting For Godot. Yet, the Dublin born writer contributed far more than one careerdefining moment. The Malthouse, who always deliver striking

HAVE you and your other half wound up in Melbourne on the day of love? Well, why not spoil yourselves with this special cruise along the stunning Yarra.

theatre, are proudly presenting their staging of Beckett’s 1946 novella The End in the form of a compelling monologue. Performed by Robert Menzies, the Eamon Flack directed piece is a perfect example of Beckett’s balance of comedy and tragedy. When: February 17th - March 11th Cost: Malthouse, Southbank

special Valentine events. Make it an evening to remember with that special one. When: February 14th Where: River Yarra Cost: $155

Boasting a five-course candle-lit dinner, these cruises are at the top end of Melbourne’s

BUT if you have not found the special one to spend your Valetine evening with – why not try your luck with some of Australia’s top totty? While Speed Dating may not be your idea of true romance, the chance to meet and mix with some other lonely hearts is better than sitting at home whilst your mates go out with their loved

ones. Go on, give it a try... When: February 14th Where: Chi Lounge Cost: $89

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WHAT’S ON PERTH

GET in touch with your inner teenager for the return of 1990’s mainstays Swervedriver. Lost to the world following an implosion on their 1998 Australian tour, the boys have reformed to mark the rerelease of Raise, Mezcal Head and Ejector Seat Reservation.

TOURING on his new studio album Broken Record, ex-Commotions front man Lloyd Cole brings a three-piece band that includes Mark Schwaber (acoustic guitar, mandolin) and Matt Cullen (acoustic guitar, banjo) for a night of Americana-tinged country-pop.

When: Sunday, 20th February Where: Becks Music Box, Perth Festival

When: Thursday, February 17th Where: Becks Music Box, Perth Festival

LEADING figures in the electronic scene for the past decade, Dan Snaith (aka Caribou) and Kieran Hebden (aka Four Tet) have solidified their formidable reputations with stellar recent releases Swim and There is Love in You. Tapping into the disco-fuelled electronic revival, Caribou weaves a multitude of dance culture sounds over a pop framework, while synth wizard Four Tet continues to raise the bar on what is possible in electronic music. When: Saturday, February 19th Where: Becks Music Box, Perth Festival

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PETE BUSHER & THE LONE RANGER WITH DJ ROCKIN RHYS

MON MARCO & THE RHYTHM KINGS

TUES

DANZA LOCA SALSA NIGHT / DJ AND LIVE PERCUSSIONISTS

ENTOURAGE WITH DJ GILES WED STUDENT & BACKPACKER NIGHT - $5 BBQ & DRINK DEAL FROM 6PM THU

JUSTIN WALSHE FOLK MACHINE DJ JAMES MACARTHUR

Mustang Bar continues its support of original music on Thursdays - and the first offering for the New Year is the globe-trotting Rocket to Memphis! Having just returned from recording an album in New York and once again leaving Toyko in a state of disarray, this smokin' outfit has all guns a-blazing and hips a-swingin! Supported by two of Perth's most exciting local bands - the amped-up rockabilly of Blazin' Entrails and knockout all gal pop-punk of Pigeon - expect a night of killer, catchy tunes, frenzied dance-floor shenanigans and plenty of hot, voodoo action!

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FEATURE QUEENSLAND

BACK IN BUSINESS BBM has spoken to Tourism Queensland, who wanted to let our readers know that everything is back to normal for Queensland. Most of Queensland’s major tourism destinations including the Gold Coast, Sunshine Coast, Fraser Coast, Bundaberg, Gladstone, Agnes Water, 1770, Whitsundays, Mackay, Townsville, Cairns and Tropical North Queensland are accessible and tourism operations are normal including beaches, island resorts, accommodation providers, tour operators and attractions. In addition, all of Queensland airports with the exception of Rockhampton, are currently open and operating normally. The Bruce Highway, the main road link from Brisbane to Cairns, is open. Brisbane, the Darling Downs, Southern Downs and Granite Belt and Capricorn Coast are now recovering with most tourism operations open and affected tourism operations returning to normal as quickly as possible. There are, however, local road closures in some areas. For the latest road closures and conditions, you can visit 131940.qld.gov.au. Parts of Central Queensland, Queensland’s Outback, Western Downs and the Lockyer Valley continue to be affected and access to these areas is restricted. Please contact your travel agent, accommodation, attraction or tour provider directly for latest conditions or with concerns about any current or upcoming bookings you may have. For the latest travel information visit queenslandholidays.com.au For the latest conditions Tourism Queensland recommends visiting the Queensland Government’s official Queensland floods webpage atqld.gov.au/floods, or visit the Bureau of Meteorology at bom.gov.au to check weather forecasts for your holiday destination. Alan Irving from The Scuba Centre, Whitsundays told us to “Please note that none of our operations were affected by the recent floods and cyclones. Also, the underwater visibility and coral on the Great Barrier Reef and in the Coral Sea are as magnificent as they have always been in the areas that our cruises operate.”

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FEATURE QUEENSLAND

THE GOLD COAST SUMMER in Australia is all about the beach, so what better place to be than on 57 kilometres of amazing coastline and famous surf spots? With some northern holidays being cancelled due to recent disasters, the Gold Coast is the place to find sand and sun, not to mention rainforest, adventure and an adrenalin rush. The Gold Coast consists of some of Australia’s best coastal beaches plus dozens of sandy strips along its extensive tidal waterways. The first port of call for visitors: Surfers Paradise. Surfers is famous for its close combination of sand and skyscrapers, which makes for something quite picturesque and exciting. The suburb is packed with shopping and dining, and a nightlife to be envied. The beach too is particularly nice for swimming and perfect for beginner surfers. Visitors can sign up for surf lessons or simply hire a surfboard or body board and hang ten. That being said, sticking to Surfers Paradise would be taking the road most travelled. Other suburbs are just as nice, and often much less crowded. Popular beaches include Broadbeach and Snapper Rocks. Snapper forms part of world-class surf break “the Superbank” – a must for experienced surfers. Other spots are perfect for snorkelling or fishing, and some inland beaches, such as Southport, host dolphin and whale watching tours. For a quiet but interesting suburb, Currumbin is home to three very different beaches: Currumbin Lake, Currumbin Alley and Currumbin Beach – the perfect combination of kayaking, surfing and relaxing. Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary is also worth a visit, especially for international visitors who want to get up close to Australian animals and even hand feed kangaroos.

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DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE!! BRISBANE IS OPENING IT’S ARMS TO YOU GUYS!!

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FEATURE QUEENSLAND

THE GOLD COAST Venture slightly west of the coast and you’ll find yourself in the Gold Coast Hinterland, where National Parks and rainforest meet farmland and vineyards. This is a place to relax and enjoy the scenery (over a bottle of local wine of course!). But serene doesn’t have to mean routine – the Hinterland is brimming with adventure activities, from horse riding to abseiling and hang gliding. Or, take a hike through the stunning Australian rainforest – Tambourine Mountain’s Rainforest Skywalk is a favourite route, with 300 metres of elevated walkway through the rainforest canopy. Lastly, for travellers with children (that’s real or inner-children) the Gold Coast has something that nowhere else has – some of the most famous and ridiculous theme parks in Australia. Big and tacky (in a fun way), between them there’s an experience for every child, child-minded adult, and anyone who likes rollercoasters. Dreamworld is the attraction of choice for speed, vertical drops and enjoyable nausea. Cinephiles and superhero nerds will enjoy Warner Bros Movie World with its Hollywood themed rides. Then there are the water parks: Wet ‘n’ Wild, WhiteWater World and Sea World, for a mix of waterslides, log rides and dramatically narrated dolphin and seal shows. There’s no denying the Gold Coast epitomises the Aussie summer holiday. From surf to dolphins and kangaroos this destination has it all. Plus rollercoasters.

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FEATURE MIGRATION

THE SKILLS SHORTAGE A LOOMING skills crisis will force Queensland to look to overseas migration to supply thousands of skilled workers. This shortage is the result of a booming mining industry and the imminent retirement of waves of baby boomers, and flies in the face of growing calls for migration caps. The lack of skills has already led to an admission from the mining sector that some coal mines could be forced to close because of a lack of highly qualified safety officers who must be on site at all hours of operation. It’s expected that more than 4.4 million workers will be needed nationally over the next 15 years simply to replace retiring baby boomers, while another 4.8 million workers will be needed to deal with the growth. Huge amounts of money are being thrown at the problem, with a government-industry advisory body, Skills Queensland, getting a $100 million investment fund to find a solution. A survey has said that Queensland should expect to be among the hardest hit by the ageing workforce in the next five years, with about a quarter of the state’s companies predicting a significant impact. “Too many Australians do not have even the language, literacy and numeracy skills of a level sufficient to meet the demands of the modern economy,” AI Group’s outgoing president Don Matthews said. Immigration Minister Chris Bowen said the Federal Government’s reforms delivered a sustainable level of immigration while responding to labour market needs. Immigration has fallen significantly from its highs in 2008 of 253,400 people to about 180,000 this year and became a hot issue during the election campaign when Prime Minister Julia Gillard abandoned the “Big Australia” policy of her predecessor, Kevin Rudd, in favour of a more sustainable approach, while the Opposition promised big cuts to the intake. “Policy reforms to the temporary skilled worker (457 visa) program have made this program genuinely responsive to labour market needs by ensuring that temporary overseas workers are paid at market rates and do not take jobs that could be done by Australian workers,” Mr Bowen said. In the year to the end of May, Queensland’s net overseas migration was down by one-third. The survey found that Queensland business planned to rectify its skills shortage with immigration. Engineers were the most highly sought with a predicted gap of 5000 by 2015. The Santos-led GLNG project said its focus would be on local training but there would be a mix of imported staff for its massive project in Gladstone.

BBM-595 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

FIND A WAY TO STAY There are more than 140 different types of Australian visas

To find out which one best suits you

CALL JOHN MC QUAID For a free assessment of your options

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Call John or Narelle on 02 93692400 Email:info@arriveaustraliacomau Email: info@arriveaustralia.com.au Website: www.arriveaustralia.com.au

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FEATURE MIGRATION

NOT JUST FRUIT PICKING PART TWO

WHETHER you want to stay in your chosen field, or try something completely different and experience a different culture, there is something here in Australia for you. If you love the sand and surf, there are opportunities for qualified surfing, windsurfing or sailing instructors, enjoying Australia’s amazing beaches while making new friends every day AND getting paid for it! What more could you want? Along with winter comes the need for trained individuals to operate our ski resorts, this is seasonal work but it is perfect for travellers as resorts will often provide their staff with accommodation and free access to the mountains. It isn’t the most profitable of careers, but there is no better way to spend an Australian winter than riding our slopes. Our hospitals are currently understaffed, so qualified nurses are always in demand. Why not treat yourself to a year abroad while still advancing your career? Customer service representatives and shop assistants would have no trouble finding a job in any of Australia’s major cities as small businesses and larger chain stores are always on the hunt for quality staff. For those that consider themselves outgoing and easy on the eye, big brands are always on the lookout for promotional models, which again is a fantastic way to earn cash without actually feeling like you are working. Also major events held across Australia are always in need of staff, which is a fun way to experience the event without having to pay for tickets! This is just a brief outline of a few positions that are in demand as well as being a lot of fun or career oriented, but this is really just naming a few. There are countless other jobs in Australia just waiting to be filled.

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ATTENTION ELECTRICIANS, CARPENTERS, PLUMBERS, LABOURERS, PIPELAYERS, EXCAVATOR OPERATORS, PAINTERS, PLASTERERS REQUIRED NOW PLEASE COMPLETE REGISTRATION FORM ON WWW.ADVANCEDLABOURHIRE.COM.AU OR FORWARD RESUME TO ADMIN@ADVANCEDLABOURHIRE.COM.AU. FOR FURTHER INFORMATION ON CURRENT VACANCIES PLEASE CALL 1300 299 818. JOIN ADVANCED LABOUR HIRE ON FACEBOOK FOR JOB UPDATES.

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To apply for these roles please e-mail our CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Sydney Jobs

Apply to tc@freespirit.com.au

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MEDIA SALES CONSULTANT $22 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLES)

CLAIMS $22 PER HOUR (3 MONTH ROLES)

Our client is a newly established on-line media agency seeking a number of experienced outbound call consultants to join their small but busy North Sydney media team.

Leading Australian Insurance company requires reliable travelers for contract role;

You will possess; â&#x20AC;˘ Excellent communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ Highly motivated individual â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Friendly personality This is a great role calling an existing client base. Full training provided.

â&#x20AC;˘ Must have Insurance Claims experience, Home & Content preferred â&#x20AC;˘ Strong Microsoft Office and communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ CBD location â&#x20AC;˘ Young and friendly team, nice offices â&#x20AC;˘ $22 plus super â&#x20AC;˘ Start now for 3 months with a view to extend to 6 months

COLLECTIONS $24-$26 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLE)

ACCOUNTS PAYABLE/RECEIVABLE $24-$26 PER HOUR

We have a fantastic collections opportunity working for a leading global bank.

Do you have accounts payable/receivable experience?? We have clients in the city seeking candidates for immediate start.

Candidates must possess the following; â&#x20AC;˘ At least 12 months experience in Collections (Banking and Finance) â&#x20AC;˘ Tenacious and hard-working â&#x20AC;˘ Team player Excellent opportunity to work in Sydneyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s CBD for a prestigious organization.

The ideal candidate will; â&#x20AC;˘ Thrive in a busy environment â&#x20AC;˘ High attention to detail â&#x20AC;˘ At least 2 years experience â&#x20AC;˘ Ability to prioritize workload Assignments are up to 6 months paying $24-$26 an hour. To apply for these roles please email your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Already have a job and want more money? Call 1300 freespirit to ask us about LAFHA.

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JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA DO YOU WANT TO WRITE about traveling around the Australians West Coast? This is a great opportunity to get your name in to print. This not a paid job, but other benefi ts are available like free activities or accommodation as you travel. Well established magazine now ten years old. Please apply to: guchi.shakir@what-media. com

JUST CUTS are seeking fully qualifi ed hairdressers, friendly and interactive professionals who pride themselves in doing quality cuts every time. If you love working in a team environment and are looking for a new exciting challenge email Maxine.mm@ optusnet. com.au or ph 0734919626. Salons around Australiagreat chances to move around the country!

MELBOURNE

PROMOTIONAL STAFF. call centre work available to promote electricity and gas. simple work and great money. full time training provided - no experience needed. melbourne work only. call jerry on 03 9867 6322 FLAUNT IT! We are the leading producers of creative nude photography, and are looking for amateur models 18 + to smash the stereotypes. Earn 500+ cash on your own terms. Fun, safe women run company. Call Rebecca 03 9495 6555

SYDNEY Call Centre - Travellers Wanted! Our Client is seeking travellers with fantastic customer service and sale skills for a 6-8 temp assignment. Your role will be generating leads on behalf of a well established global client through warm and cold calling. Paying $22 Plus Super If you think you are right for the role then please send your detailed resume to tc@freespirit.com.au

INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT

is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: Warehousing, Labouring, Stores, Process Work, Green card and safety boots are an advantage – however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email indadmin@ industriousrecruitment.com.au or contact Sarah @ (02) 9270 5257 DATA ENTRY OFFICER – TRAVELLERS WELCOME!! Our Client is seeking an experienced Data Entry Offi cer with the following criteria: Minimum of 1 year work experience. English fl uency. Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity. Not on Student Visa. If you believe you are the right candidate for this role please forward your resume through to mailto:tc@freespirit.com.au

SALES EXECUTIVE DO WANT TO SETTLE DOWN IN AUSTRALIA? DO YOU LOVE SELLING? • Generous package • An opportunity to become an Australian permanent resident and eventually a citizen! • Fantastic full-time sales role with growth potential • Both face-to-face & call centre positions! • Complete training available • Assistance with your visa We are a privately owned media company experiencing growth year on year. We require LOUD, FUN & SMART individuals to join our young & dynamic team to work out of our West Sydney and Inner West Sydney offi ces As Sales Executive you will be selling to medium sized local businesses and organisations, gradually building strong relationships with your portfolio of clients. We want to see your great selling skills and your original ideas and marketing solutions. If you have a professional attitude and presentation, then email your resume and a cover letter to

resumes@internode.on.net 56

BBM-595 // JOB LISTINGS

ADULT EMPLOYMENT -BEJFT SFR (VBSBOUFFE #VTJFTU E E #FTU 3BUF JO 4ZEOFZ 63(&/5 &"3/ , 1&3 4)*'5 1"*% %"*-: /P FYQFSJFODF SFRVJSFE GVMM USBJOJOH BOE GSFF BDDPNNPEBUJPO ,JOH 4U /FXUPXO 4U 1FUFST XXX BNPSF DPN BV

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Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Training provided Discreet, Paid daily Flexible hours Foxtel and internet access for staff Friendly Female management Located in the heart of Sydney Earn $150+ per hour

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Female Masseurs Required $115 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team

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(02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills www.nirvanasydney.com.au

GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN!! BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE!! Female Masseurs required $115 p/hr Full training provided Immediate Start Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team

(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES

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KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road. 261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au

BBM-595 // JOB LISTINGS

JOB LISTINGS

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BBM-595 // JOB LISTINGS

ACCOMMODATION SYDNEY BONDI JUNCTION. CHEAPER THAN A DORM: Walking distance to Cock and Bull and Tea Gardens. Rooms available: Singles, doubles, triples and quads. All bills inc. All rooms include kitchenette, fridge, microwave. Laundry. Spotless. Near transport. Oxford Court Accommodation. From $120pppw. 170 Oxford Street, Woollahra. Call 9327 2233 / 0412 547 840. Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms in the heart of the city. Dorm beds single $40 per night or $180 per week, double rooms $80 per night OR $320 per week. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

DARLINGHURST BUDGET. NEWLY RE-FURBISHED SHARE ACCOMMODATION - Rear of 433 Liverpool Street, Darlinghurst. Corner of West Street. Central location, close to all amenities yet quiet. $160 P/P P/W + $200 Bond. All bills + WIRELESS INTERNET included. Fully furnished rooms in share house. 7 rooms - 2, 3 or 4 person share. Laundry, Kitchen, lounge/TV room. For appointment to view call Louise between 9am-7pm on 0402 034 119.

MELBOURNE FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA

Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park.

Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

BBM-595 // ACCOMMODATION

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY

SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au CASA RADIANTE 373 - 375 Bulwara Road, Ultimo Sydney, NSW, 2007 Ph: 0412692824 or 0404 246 003 STRAND HOTEL 99 William St Darlinghurst, Sydney 2010 Ph: 02 93606910 www.strandhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au www.strandedinsydney.com.au

PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au

Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

LIDO SUITES 2 Roslyn Street, Kings Cross, Sydney, 2011 Ph: 02 8354 0956 Toll Free: 1800 060 954 Fax: 02 9360 5670 kcsuites@leisureinnhotels.com www.leisureinnhotels.com Modern, boutique studio rooms located in the hub of Kings Cross’ non-stop energy and within easy reach of all Sydney’s best attractions.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com KANGA HOUSE BACKPACKERS 141 Victoria St, Kings Cross NSW 2011 FREECALL 1800 4 KANGA Ph: 9357 7897 Fax: 8354 0439 info@kangahouse.com.au www.kangahouse.com.au HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL

428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

THE ROYAL HOTEL

370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS

MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE

BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

HUNTER VALLEY

GOLDCOAST

HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

KATOOMBA

KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

JINDABYNE

SNOWY MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS Ph: 1800 333 468 7-8 Gippsland St. Jindabyne NSW 2627 Fax: 02 6456 1511 backpack@snowy.net.au www.snowybackpackers.com.au

BYRON BAY

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS

NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE

LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE

TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800 www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

CALOUNDRA

CALOUNDRA CITY BACKPACKERS 84 Omrah Avenue Caloundra, Sunshine Coast Queensland, Phone: 61 7 5499 7655 www.caloundracitybackpackers.com.au

MOOLOOLABA

MOOLOOLABA BACKPACKERS 75 Brisbane Rd Mooloolaba QLD (07) 5444 3399 www.mooloolababackpackers.com

MACKAY

GECKO’S REST 34 Sydney st Mackay QLD 4740 Ph: 07 49441230 www.geckorest.com.au info@geckorest.com.au

NOOSA

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

HERVEY BAY

NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

MISSION BEACH

ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

BBM-595 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

WHITSUNDAYS

BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH

MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1105 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE

Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

RAINBOW BEACH

PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

DINGOS BACKPACKER RESORT 20 Spectrum Street, Rainbow Beach QLD 4581 FREECALL: 1800 103 823 www.dingosresort.com 3day/2night Selfguided camping Fraser Island Safari PLUS 2 nights at Dingos Resort $219 NO HIDDEN EXTRAS and FREE Pancake breakfast with every stay!!!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH

WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au

ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966

madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com ROYAL HOTEL 531 Wellington Street, Perth Western 6000 Ph: 08 9338 5100 wentpert@fc-hotels.com.au www.royalhotelperth.com.au YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA

TOWN SHOP Ross St Mall, Maidstone Cresent, Exmouth, Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060

MONKEY MIA

MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

BBM-595 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

KUNUNURRA

KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

BUNBURY

WANDER INN BACKPACKERS it happens...! 16 Clifton Street, Bunbury Western Australia 6230 FREE PHONE: 1800 039 032 Tel: +61 8 9721 3242 Fax: +61 8 9721 8669 wanderinn@westnet.com.au www.bunburybackpackers.com.au

VICTORIA MILDURA

RIVERBOAT BUNGALOW BACKPACKERS (Part of Working Hostels Mildura group) 27 Chaffey Ave Mildura, Victoria 3500 Tel: 0447 WORKER (0447 967 537) info@workinghostels.com.au www.workinghostels.com.au REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP

BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au

www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE

GLOBAL BACKPACKERS 238 Victoria St (cnr Elizabeth St) Nth Melbourne, Vic, 3051 (opposite Queen Vic Market)

Freecall: 1800 700 478 globalhostel@yahoo.com.au www.globalbackpackers.com.au Best kept secret in town - small, simple, centrally located. $20 dorms Decent accommodation cheap!

EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 MELBOURNE METRO YHA

78 Howard Street North Melbourne 3051 Phone: (+613) 9329 8599 Web: www.yha.com.au Email: melbmetro@yhavic.org.au NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com

Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com

$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

Australia

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au MELBOURNE OASIS YHA 76 Chapman St. North Melbourne VIC Ph: 03 9328 3595 oasis@yhavic.org.au http://www.yha.com.au

Inviting all British Balls enthusiasts to check out Melbourne’s completely BUNK FREE hostel. Guaranteeing a good nights sleep! Foxtel TV & free swimming pool pass. Beds start at $27.

HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au

ST. KILDA

OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms RITZ FOR BACKPACKERS 169b Fitzroy Street St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, 3182 Ph: 1800 670 364 info@ritzbackpackers.com www.ritzbackpackers.com HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au

Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere. Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply

JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

APOLLO BAY

APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN

CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 www.chillis.com.au ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au

HINDMARSH GROOVEY GROUP 10 Bacon St, Hindmarsh SA 5007 getaways@groovygrape.com.au Freecall: 1800 66 11 77 Ph: + 61 8 8440 1640 www.grooveygroup.com.au ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS

CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand TE PUKE

HAIRY BERRY BACKPACKER HOSTEL 2 No 1 Road, Te Puke NZ 0064 07 5738015 or 021 520539 www.hairyberrynz.com work@hairyberrynz.com “Bring this add for 100MB FREE internet on arrival & we garantee help to get seasonal work”

CHRISTCHURCH

CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN

BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new fl ashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakefi eld Stree Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off fi rst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off fi rst night if you mention this ad

GREYMOUTH

KATIKATI OUR LITTLE PARADISE 378 Whara Whara Road KatiKati Ph +64 7 5490978 ourlittleparadise@ihug.co.nz

KARI KARI PENINSULA NORTHLAND

DUKE BACKPACKERS 7 Guinness Street, Greymouth Ph: 03-7689470 dukenz@clear.net.nz www.duke.co.nz

THE RUSTY ANCHOR

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.fi jinadibayhotel.com TRAVELLERS BEACH RESORT 19 Wasawasa Road, Nadi Bay Beach Ph: 6723322 Fax: 6720026 travellersbeach@connect.com.fj www.travellersbeachresort. com.fj Skype: travellersbeach

NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacifi c Harbou P.O.Box 416 Pacifi c Habou Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

1 Tokerau Beach Rd Kari Kari Peninsula Northland 0800 78 78 92 info@rustyanchor.co.nz www.rustyanchor.co.nz

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfi ji.comwww beachcomberfi ji.com AQUARIUS PACIFIC HOTELS LIMITED 17 Wasawasa Road, Newtown, Wailoaloa, Nadi Ph: (679) 6726 000 Fax: (679) 6726 001 reservations@aquariusfi ji.co www.aquariusfi ji.co

THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fi jibeachouse.co www.fi jibeachouse.co SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfi ji.com Skype name: Smugglers Cove

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandfi ji com HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachfi ji.co

BBM-595 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

ADVENTURE SPORTS SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

SIMPLY SKYDIVE SYDNEY P.O. Box 5060 Elanora Heights NSW 2101 Sydney International Regatta Centre

Penrith Lakes NSW 2750 FreeCall 1800 SKYDIVE Ph: 02/92238444 Fax: 02/92315878 Info@simplyskydive.com.au www.simplyskydive.com.au

Awesome views of Sydney and the Blue Mountains!

SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au

Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au

Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

NEW ZEALAND

SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com

NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj

‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

SOUTH WEST ROCKS DIVE CENTRE 5/98 Gregory St, South West Rocks, NSW, 2431 Tel: 02 65 66 6474 info@southwestrocksdive.com.au www.southwestrocksdive.com.au

Experience Australia’s best ocean cave & shark dive. Catering for first timers to experienced divers

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. FISH ROCK DIVE CENTRE 134 Gregory St South West Rocks, NSW 2431 Ph: (02) 6566 6614 or 0414 381985 www.fishrock.com.au dive@fishrock.com.au World class diving, Gray Nurse Sharks, Caves, Whales...this is the real thing!

NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE

Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS

Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

FIJI

SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

YOUNG TRAVELLERS TOURS MELBOURNE Ph - 0488 002 212 www.yttours.com Fun original tours along the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island! One day tour from $90 OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au

JET BOATING

NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET

The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

ROLLERBLADING AUSTRALIA

The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.

ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022

RAFTING

GLACIER GUIDING

OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au

Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz

AUSTRALIA

Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au

HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA

BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au

KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA

NEW ZEALAND

SURFSHACK IS AN ACCREDITED SURF SCHOOL Lessons from $50 for 2 hours Lake Entrance Surf Shack 507 Esplanade Ph: 03 5155 4933 Mallacoota Surf Shack 41 Maurice Avenue Ph: 03 5158 0909 www.surfshack.com.au

JUNGLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS PO Box 117 Port Douglas, Queensland Ph: 07 4098 0043 info@junglesurfing.com.au www.junglesurfing.com.au

RIVER BOARDING NEW ZEALAND

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797 www.riverboarding.co.nz

SHARK EXPEDITIONS AUSTRALIA

SURFING

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, Adelaide, South Australia, 5070 Ph: (08) 8363 1788 www.rodneyfox.com.au

AUSTRALIA

BUNGY JUMPING

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CRYSTAL BALLS

Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week

into his place and her face.

me sick. I’m tired of you

If you want to borrow

Oh, you think he doesn’t know

telling me how great you are.

something just ask. Stealing

what you’ve been up to behind

I know the truth. You’re lucky

your housemate’s stuff and

his back?

I wasn’t more harsh, you little

then denying all knowledge will

bitches/bastards.

only get you into trouble.

a sneaky shag, he’s watching

Virgo

He knows it’s you so it’s best to

you with eagle eyes and extra

I’VE heard of people burning

give up the ghost now.

powerful night vision goggles.

the candles at both ends, but

When you think you’re having

with the amount of afternoon

Capricorn

Listen out for the rustling of

drinking you’re doing it looks

THERE are more sensible ways

Kleenex tissues – that’ll be

like you’re trying to light it in

of staying in Australia than

Aries

him. He now wishes he was

the middle as well.

marrying a hooker you met in

YOUR boyfriend may have

you and has even copied your

promised to be faithful whilst

bull-in-a-china-shop technique.

You may think you are

you are away in Australia but

Be afraid.

Keith Richards, but the only

Spend a few months working

resemblance is that you both

on a farm or picking fruit.

I’m staring into his quivering

Kings Cross.

crystal balls as I type your

Gemini

stars. In all honesty I’m not the

BEING unemployed is not

first, he’s already pulled half

down to bad luck. It’s due to

Libra

dependent whore should not be

your home town.

being a tosser.

YOU have a job you like,

an option.

look like shit. Tying the knot with some skag-

you finally found a girl stupid He’s going to continue sleeping

Sleeping in until two in the

enough to go out with you and

Aquarius

around and so should you.

afternoon, refusing to shower

you’ve got plenty of cash in the

HAVING two cars in the garage

My advice is for you to head

and dressing like a hobo on

bank. In fact things are so good

is great but just make sure

out tonight and pick up the first

washday is not the way to

that they couldn’t possibly get

there is some food in the fridge

guy you see. That’ll teach him.

impress an employer.

any better – and they won’t.

too.

Cancer

Make the most of it before your

It’s OK claiming to get paid far

MAYBE it’s time to finally take

world comes tumbling down as

too much and trying to be as

Just ask for D4 or Skittles and

the plunge and catch a flight

per usual.

flash as your average blinged

tell them Crystal sent you.

back to mediocrity.

There’s an Irish barman on King Street who’s a great shag.

up American rap star, but it only

Scorpio

works if you actually have the dollars to back it up.

He’ll sort you out with the

You’re not exactly making the

WHATEVER happened to the

knowledgeable use of his

best use of your time out here,

stunning physique you had

pump.

are you?

before you left home?

Taurus

You’ve blown all your cash,

You had the best figure of

bit of the sniffles doesn’t mean

WHO exactly do you think you

developed an alcohol

anyone you knew and were

you’ve got full blown AIDS.

are, stealing your best mate’s

dependency and traded in your

beating the lads off with a stick.

girlfriend?

high flying city job to become a

Now, if we’re honest you are a

When you start looking like

dishwasher.

grade one heifer.

Tom Hanks in Philadelphia then

before you stuck your big

Leo

Too many nights drinking have

nose in and now they are both

I HATE Leos. You think you’re

ruined you and it’s time to head

completely miserable.

so special but what have you

for the gym.

Pisces JUST because you’ve got a

They were more than happy

people will worry about you,

really achieved? Nothing.

Drop a few aspirin and learn to deal with it like someone who

Sagittarius

Surprise, surprise you were in

but until then man-up.

there to pick up the pieces and

You are full of your own bullshit

NOBODY likes a thief and in

now you’ve sneakily slipped

and to be honest it makes

turn nobody likes you.

isn’t a two-year-old or female.

BBM-595 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

$/.+!20%4 0TY ,TD $ , TRADING AS

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BBM-595 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ASK CRYSTAL can’t help it nagging me. Do you

They were having some student

Dear James,

think I’m being silly?

style dirty games on stage with

LET’S look at the positives, at

free drink for the winners.

least she didn’t drop a steaming

Mary, Cornwall

turd on you. That’s one good

Dear Mary,

The game I was signed up for

thing. You’re still in control of all

EEUUURRRGGGHHH, a fanta

involved having a girl sit on my

your bodily functions, which is

pants writing to me! Get back,

lap and the pair of us bouncing

clearly more than can be said

I don’t want any of your ginger

up and down on a foot pump to

for some.

gash germs!

try and blow up a balloon. The

Dear Crystal

girl I chose had too much vodka.

As for your girlfriend, if she is

I AM a closet redhead who dyes

If I was you I’d be dousing

her hair, but I’ve got a major

myself in agent orange, or

She got far too excited as we

action come between you then

problem. I’ve started seeing

whatever it takes to get rid of

grinded and ended up pissing

clearly it wasn’t meant to be.

this guy and it has been getting

your affliction. Failing that just try

herself in front of hundreds of

pretty serious.

and make the room as dark as

clubbers and leaving me soaked

As always, time is a healer and

possible and hope to God that

in urine. Now I can’t show my

people soon forget. If not, then I

your carrot crop doesn’t glow.

face in public.

guess you’re just going to have

and I’m worried he might be

Dear Crystal,

My pals won’t stop taking the

“that bloke that bird pissed on in

put off when he sees the collar

RECENTLY we all went out for

piss (no pun intended) and my

that club that time.”

doesn’t match the cuffs. I’m sure

a heavy session of boozing and

bird dumped me out of shame.

he’s not that superficial but I

made our way to a local club.

Very soon I can see us

going to let a bit of water-sports

consummating this relationship

to get used to be being called

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail editor@britishballs.com

It’s probably better than your What do I do? James, Wollongong

previous title of “that bloke caught fiddling with the sheep.”

JOKES TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS

JUST asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut. He shaved my pubes off. Jimbo, Cairns MY girlfriend’s pretty thick, everything goes over her head. Fortunately so do both her feet which is why we’re still together. Peter, Somerset I JUST put four Pure Blondes on the counter and asked for 20 cigarettes. I asked: “Can I pay with my card?” She said: “Sure, what card have you got?” I said: “The two of clubs.” John, Wollongong SOMETIMES my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt on our lunch break when she said: “Remember, you have a wife.” Jack, Fairy Meadow THERE are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number one and number two. Roger, Randwick THE spell czech on my computer never fails me. Jamie, Melbourn 66

I HAVE a contact lens problem. I have no contact lens solution.

Sam, Surry Hills

I WAS in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing. One guy pushed the other and said, “Four, nine.” The other man pushed him back and said, “Sixteen, twenty-five.” A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said: “I need some help at the door. We’ve got a couple of men squaring up.” Rick, Darwin MY first thought when I woke up and saw the news today was: “Thank God I’m not Egyptian.” Not because of the political unrest over there; I’m just racist. Timothy, Perth THANKS to the invention of mobile phones, I now no longer have to read the back of my toothpaste every time I’m taking a shit. Ted, Leeds

BBM-595 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE Manchester United2515913154 Arsenal2515552750 Manchester City2614752049 Chelsea2513572444 Tottenham Hotspur251285844 Liverpool2611510338 Sunderland269107137 Bolton Wanderers26 8 Stoke City2510312-133 Newcastle United258710231 Blackburn Rovers269413-831 Fulham266128030 Everton256127-130 Aston Villa267811-1529 Blackpool258413-1128 Birmingham City245127-927 West Bromwich Albion257513-1726 Wigan Athletic2651110-1826 Wolverhampton Wanderers257315-1724 West Ham United265912-1824

LEAGUE 1

CHAMPIONSHIP

PlWDL+/-Pts

Tables accurate as of Friday, February 2nd, AEST.

LEAGUE 2

PlWDL+/-Pts Brighton and Hove Albion2715842753 AFC Bournemouth2914872150 Huddersfi eld Town281549154 Southampton2713682245 Charlton Athletic261286844 Oldham Athletic2811116644 Milton Keynes Dons FC2913511-244 Peterborough United2713410543 Rochdale2810117741 Colchester United279117-238 Leyton Orient279108537 Hartlepool United2710710-1137 Sheffi eld Wednesday271061163 Carlisle United26 9 8 9 Brentford2810513-535 Exeter City289811-1035 Yeovil Town289613-1233 Plymouth Argyle309615-1333 Notts County259511032 Tranmere Rovers268711-831 Swindon Town3071013-1131 Walsall297616-1627 Bristol Rovers296914-2627 Dagenham & Redbridge266713-1225

PlWDL+/-Pts Queens Park Rangers30161133159 Nottingham Forest28141041652 Cardiff City2915681351 Norwich City301497951 Swansea City30155101050 Leeds United3013107849 Millwall301299945 3 Leicester City3013611-145 Watford2812791243 Burnley2911108743 Reading29101271242 Hull City3010128342 Barnsley3011712-840 Ipswich Town2811413-237 Doncaster Rovers2810711-537 Coventry City3010614-436 Derby County2910514-135 Bristol City309813-935 Middlesbrough299614-433 Portsmouth298813-732 Crystal Palace308715-2031 Sheffi eld United297616-212 Scunthorpe United277317-2424 Preston North End285617-2421

PlWDL+/-Pts Chesterfi eld2815103235 Wycombe Wanderers2714851050 Shrewsbury Town3013981848 Rotherham United2913881447 Bury2713771846 Gillingham301299645 Port Vale281288744 Crewe Alexandra2811891241 Oxford United2911711040 Southend United2811611339 Cheltenham Town2910910-139 Torquay United26 9 9 8 Stevenage Football Club278118635 Northampton Town279810-335 Aldershot Town2881010-734 Lincoln City2710413-1434 Accrington Stanley267127-233 Morecambe288911-533 Bradford City289415-1131 Hereford United277812-1229 Macclesfi eld Town267712-132 Barnet296815-1826 Burton Albion22 6 7 9 Stockport County3051015-3725

EUROPEAN LEAGUES

FOCUS ON... GERMANY

SERIE A

PlWDL+/-Pts

ACCENT-WHORE Steve McClaren has finally been given his marching orders by Wolfsburg after guiding Die Wolfe to one point above the relegation zone. Nice work Steve. Surprise, surprise, it seems a lack of respect from his players was his undoing in the end. With 10 minutes to go in last week’s defeat to Hanover, Wolfsburg were awarded a penalty. Star striker Diego petulantly ignored McClaren’s instructions for designated penalty-taker Patrick Helmes to take it - and blasted it against the bar, essentially sealing McClaren’s fate. In other news, Dortmund are still pissing over every other club in the league.

Borussia Dortmund2116323451 Bayer Leverkusen2111641139 FSV Mainz 052112181037 Hannover 96211218-137 Bayern München2110651636 SC Freiburg211047134 Hoffenheim21 8 Hamburger SV20 9 1. FC Nürnberg21 8 Eintracht Frankfurt218310-227 Schalke 0421 7 VfL Wolfsburg21 5 Werder Bremen216510-1623 1. FC Kaiserslautern216411-622 FC St.Pauli206410-1122 1. FC Köln216411-1422 VfB Stuttgart215412-219 Borussia Mönchengladbach214413-2216

8 3 5

5 8 8

1 -

1 1 4

3 3 2

5 8

9 8

0 -

2 4

6 2

2 0 9

AC Milan2414732149 Napoli2414461646 Internazionale2313551744 Lazio241266842 Palermo2412481140 Udinese241248940 AS Roma231166539 Juventus2410861038 Cagliari249510232 Chievo247107331 Fiorentina23 Bologna23 Genoa23 Sampdoria23 Parma246810-726 Lecce246612-1924 Catania245811-1223 Brescia246414-1122 Cesena245613-1421 Bari243516-2514

SCOTTISH PREMIER PlWDL+/-Pts Celtic2418423958 Rangers2217232753 Heart of Midlothian2415361648 Kilmarnock2410681136 Inverness Caledonian Thistle24 7 8 9 Dundee United20 7 8 5 St. Johnstone238510-1029 Motherwell238411-128 Aberdeen237214-1923 Hibernian245415-1919 St. Mirren234613-2018 Hamilton Academical222812-2514

1 0

2 2

LA LIGA

PlWDL+/-Pts

9 9

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7 8 7 6

8 8 7 9

8 7 9 8

1 5 3 5

2 2 2 2

PlWDL+/-Pts FC Barcelona2220115961 Real Madrid2217323354 Villarreal CF2214351945 Valencia CF2213541244 Athletic Bilbao221228638 RCD Espanyol221219037 Sevilla FC22 9 4 9 Atlético Madrid229310230 Getafe CF229310-230 Real Sociedad229112-428 9 RCD Mallorca228410-628 9 Real Zaragoza22 589-1323 8 Sporting Gijón225710-822 7 Osasuna225710-822 Hércules CF226412-1422 Racing Santander225710-1422 Deportivo La Coruña225710-1522 Levante UD226313-1121 UD Almería224810-1520 Málaga CF225314-1918

FOOTBALL RESULTS Tuesday, 8 February Npower League One Leyton Orient 3-0 Swindon Rochdale 3-1 Bristol Rovers Npower League Two Bury 3-0 Stevenage Gillingham 3-1 Rotherham Hereford 2-2 Macclesf eld Lincoln City 1-5 Shrewsbury Morecambe 1-1 Aldershot Johnstone’s Paint Trophy Huddersfi eld 3-0 Carlisle (agg 3-4 Under-21 Friendly Match Italy U21 1-0 England U21 The FA Carlsberg Trophy Alfreton Town 1-2 Mansfi el Guiseley 2-1 Eastbourne Boro Blue Square Bet North Gainsborough 0-3 Boston Utd Stalybridge 2-1 Eastwood Town Blue Square Bet South Dover 1-2 Braintree Town Ebbsfl eet United 2-2 Eastleig Weston-S-Mare 0-1 Dartford Woking 2-0 St Albans International Match Cyprus 0-2 Sweden Peru 1-0 Panama Romania 2-2 Ukraine (Ukraine win 4-2 on penalties) Welsh Premier League Neath 2-1 Port Talbot The New Saints 2-0 Llanelli Carling Premiership Ballymena 0-1 Coleraine Glenavon 0-1 Lisburn Distillery Glentoran 0-0 Dungannon Swifts Portadown 2-1 Cliftonville ------------------------------------------------------Monday, 7 February Johnstone’s Paint Trophy Exeter 1-2 Brentford (agg 2-3) Blue Square Bet North Hinckley Utd 3-0 Gloucester Hyde 1-1 Nuneaton Blue Square Bet South Chelmsford 4-0 Basingstoke ------------------------------------------------------Sunday, 6 February Barclays Premier League Chelsea 0-1 Liverpool West Ham 0-1 Birmingham Npower Championship Swansea 0-1 Cardiff Scottish Cup Aberdeen 1-0 Dunfermline Rangers 2-2 Celtic International Match Poland 1-0 Moldova ------------------------------------------------------Saturday, 5 February Barclays Premier League Aston Villa 2-2 Fulham Everton 5-3 Blackpool Man City 3-0 West Brom Newcastle 4-4 Arsenal Stoke 3-2 Sunderland Tottenham 2-1 Bolton Wigan 4-3 Blackburn Wolverhampton 2-1 Man Utd Npower Championship Burnley 2-1 Norwich Crystal Palace 1-0 Middlesbrough Ipswich 3-0 Sheff Utd Leeds 1-0 Coventry Leicester 4-1 Barnsley Millwall 1-0 Doncaster Nott’m Forest 1-0 Watford Portsmouth 1-1 Derby Preston 0-4 Bristol City Scunthorpe 1-5 Hull Npower League One Bournemouth 1-1 Leyton Orient Brentford 2-0 Plymouth Bristol Rovers 2-4 Brighton Carlisle 1-3 Walsall Exeter 1-4 Huddersfi el Hartlepool 1-0 Colchester Oldham 1-1 Dag & Red Peterborough 4-4 Southampton Sheff Wed 2-2 MK Dons Swindon 1-1 Rochdale

BBM-595 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

Yeovil 0-1 Charlton Npower League Two Chesterfi eld 2-2 Aldershot Gillingham 0-0 Oxford Utd Hereford 0-1 Lincoln City Morecambe 1-1 Cheltenham Northampton 0-0 Barnet Rotherham 3-1 Crewe Southend 0-2 Shrewsbury Stevenage 2-2 Accrington Stanle Torquay 2-0 Stockport Wycombe 1-1 Port Vale Blue Square Bet Premier AFC Wimbledon 1-0 Fleetwood Town Barrow 0-1 Wrexham Cambridge Utd 0-2 Rushden & D’mnds Forest Green 1-0 Hayes & Yeading Kidderminster 1-0 Bath City Tamworth 0-1 Histon Scottish Cup Ayr 1-2 St Mirren Buckie Thistle 0-2 Brechin Hamilton 1-3 Dundee Utd Inverness CT 5-1 Morton Stranraer 0-2 Motherwell Scottish First Division Queen of South 1-2 Dundee Ross County 1-1 Cowdenbeath Stirling 1-3 Raith Rovers Scottish Second Division Airdrie Utd 1-0 Peterhead Alloa 2-3 Dumbarton Stenhousemuir 0-1 Forfar Scottish Third Division Arbroath 3-0 Albion Clyde 0-2 Annan Athletic Elgin 1-0 Montrose Queen’s Park 2-0 East Stirling The FA Carlsberg Trophy AFC Telford 0-3 Darlington Blyth Spartans 2-2 Droylsden Eastbourne Boro 1-1 Guiseley Eastleigh 1-3 Chasetown Gateshead 3-0 Dartford Mansfi eld 1-1 Alfreton Town Woking 0-2 Salisbury Blue Square Bet North Eastwood Town 3-1 Vauxhall Motors Harrogate Town 0-1 Corby Redditch 0-1 Hyde Stafford Rangers 1-2 Nuneaton Stalybridge 1-1 Solihull Moors Worcester 2-0 Boston Utd Workington 4-2 Gainsborough Blue Square Bet South Basingstoke 3-2 Dover Chelmsford 1-2 Havant and W Dorchester 1-0 Weston-S-Mare Ebbsfl eet United 0-3 Farnboroug Hampton & Richmond 0-0 St Albans Lewes 2-2 Boreham Wood Maidenhead Utd 2-2 Bishop’s Stortford Staines Town 1-1 Thurrock Welling 1-3 Braintree Town Scot-Ads Highland Football League Cove Rangers 5-3 Wick Academy Huntly 2-2 Turriff United Inverurie Locos 2-0 Fraserburgh Keith 2-1 Formartine Utd Lossiemouth 3-1 Fort William Nairn County 3-2 Clachnacuddin Strathspey Thistle 0-2 Brora Welsh Premier League Airbus UK 1-2 Bala Town Welsh Cup Bangor City 5-3 Haverfordwest Cefn Druids 1-4 Llanelli Port Talbot 3-0 Caersws Rhos Aelwyd 1-6 Prestatyn Town Rhyl 1-2 The New Saints Carling Premiership Cliftonville 2-2 Ballymena Donegal Celtic 0-2 Portadown Dungannon Swifts 0-4 Linfi el Glentoran 2-2 Glenavon Newry 2-3 Crusaders

FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS! CHECK out BBM’s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.premierleague.com for all the latest results and standings. Table below was up to date at time of going to press.

Prizes (in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $400 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100

# TEAM MANAGER GW

TOT

1 alovelycupoftea James Horrocks 86

1482

2 Dizzying Heights FC Siva Iyer 90

1458

3 Stop, Hammertime! Paul Steadman 97 4 every week you dan magee 50

1406

1391

5 Alan’s Deep Bath jason kerley 86 6 Mukin Fagic Luke Gately 55

1379 1365

7 bobby dazzlerz tom mcelwain 65

1348

8 TippytappyFC Richie Egan 73

1334

9 Evertonian John Armitage 52

1314

10 Alcohol Fc Ron f 55

1307

11 Holy-family ‘B’ team Pat Mustard 91 12 Tallulah Neil Weaver 64

1295

1292

13 Ozzies Allstars *** James Osborne 63 14 Rootin & Tootin Oisin Coveney 40

1288 1276

15 Red Incas Mark Stansfi eld 41

1273

16 Your Ma’s Athletic brian o gorman 40

1273

17 Insert Name Here Utd Richard Gadsby 68 18 Arsenal Brian Harvey 76

1267

1262

19 Juggernauts Gaurav Rana 50

1260

20 fi sty cuffs fc Marc Roche 56

1242

------------------------------------------------------Friday, 4 February Npower Championship Reading 0-1 QPR The FA Carlsberg Trophy Luton 1-0 Gloucester Carling Premiership Coleraine 1-2 Lisburn Distillery -------------------------------------------------------

New Entry

Ranking Increased

Ranking stayed the same

Ranking Fell

WORLD SPORT

TO the casual cricket fan, it may appear England are riding on the cusp of a wave heading into the World Cup following their Ashes decimation of Australia. Well, sir, you are a fool. For while some of us are only just getting over the hangover that accompanied final victory over Australia in the fifth Test at Sydney, there has been the small matter of a seven-match one-day series in which we were well and truly spanked by Michael Clarke and co. Bah. The good news, though, is that although Australia are shit at Test cricket they’re damn good at the short-form of the game, and

pretty much regarded as the best ODI team out there. So considering most of the matches were close (apart from the final game which no one really cared about), perhaps it’s not all bad. Also, pitches on the subcontinent are vastly different to those in Oz, favouring spin bowling over pace attacks. Great news for Greame Swann, who is expected to be back from injury by the time the World Cup kicks off, not so good for the Aussies who couldn’t spin their way out of a political minefield.

THE MAIN CONTENDERS

Plus they’ve been blitzed by injuries meaning, hilariously, they’ve had to turn to Jason “Crazy” Krejza – who hasn’t even played an ODI. Fun times.

THE GROUPS GROUP A

INDIA

AUSTRALIA

ODDS: 4-1 (FAV)

ODDS: 11-2

Have only won the World Cup once before (in 1983) but understandably big favourites. Not only are they, arguably, the best team in the competition, they also have home advantage. Whoever wins the trophy, they’ll have to beat India to do it.

SRI LANKA

SOUTH AFRICA

ODDS: 11-2

ODDS: 13-2

Not bad odds for an excellent side on home turf. Drawn in the easiest group, Sir Lanka should also get a plum tie for the quarter-finals. Would be a surprise if they didn’t get to the semi-finals at least.

Surprisingly unrated as an ODI side considering they’re arguably the equals of India in Test cricket. Possibly hampered by the fact that most of their bludgeoning Test team also comprises the ODI side.

ENGLAND

PAKISTAN

ODDS: 15-2

ODDS: 9-1

As T20 world champions and with a vastly-improved Test team, England’s recent ODI collapse to Australia is slightly baffling. Still capable of springing a shock but will need Greame Swann to be at his best. If he is, England could well live up to their dark horses tag.

Ranked No.1 at ODI level. In Brett Lee and Shaun Tait, the Aussies have the fastest pace attack in the competition, while Shane Watson can win a game on his own. But in spin-friendly conditions and with a raft of injuries, their TABsports odds are slightly flattering.

There’s no doubting their talent, it’s just the attitude that’s lacking. Still reeling from the still-rumbling spot-fix scandal, we wouldn’t be surprised if they either got to the final – or went out in the group stage. Depends what they get more money for.

AUSTRALIA CANADA KENYA NEW ZEALAND PAKISTAN SRI LANKA ZIMBABWE

GROUP B

ENGLAND BANGLADESH INDIA IRELAND HOLLAND SOUTH AFRICA WEST INDIES

ENGLAND FIXTURES V HOLLAND (FEB 22ND) V INDIA (FEB 27TH) V IRELAND (MAR 2ND) V SOUTH AFRICA (MAR 6TH) V BANGLADESH (MAR 11TH) V WEST INDIES (MAR 17TH)

The tournement kicks off on February 19th with India taking on Bangladesh.

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WORLD SPORT ENGLAND GO TOP!* RUGBY: At the risk of having egg pie all over our basket of faces before we leap, England should go top of the Six Nations table this week. Martin Johnson’s side follow up their impressive victory over Wales last week with a home game against the whipping boys of Italy tonight (Saturday). The only other two sides to win last week, France and Ireland, go head to head at Aviva Stadium in Dublin on Sunday in what should be a tight game – meaning England will probably be top on points difference come Monday morning. Johnson (pictured) is set to name an unchanged side to the one that beat Wales last week. The main talking point though has been Chris Ashton’s starring role in the Wales victory. Ashton scored two tries – but was given a verbal

NRL: BBM loves it when sport brings people together, like Korea marching as one at the Olympics or The Rock forgiving Hulk Hogan for driving a truck into his ambulance. So imagine our joy when we read that the drug-loving racist (Lawyers - allegedly!!) Andrew Johns was helping Timanha Tahu find a new club. Last year, Tahu quit the NSW State of Origin side because Johns had called Israel Folau and Greg Inglis black c-(Lawyers - woah, calm down)-s. Johns had to step down as assistant coach and Tahu pretty much was DOA asking for an extended off-season break from Paramatta.

hammering by Johnson for his over-the-top dive for his first try. “There were lots of things he got a tongue-lashing for,” said teammate Toby Flood. “There was the celebration, mouthing off to the ref and putting his hands in the ruck, so he had a good afternoon!” Despite only just getting over the line against Italy last week, Ireland should be stronger for their match with the current Six Nations champs. Not only are they at home, but their massive injury list is slowly starting to be reduced. Whether it will be enough to beat France is another matter. In the other game on Saturday, Wales and Scotland will be scrapping to avoid the early tag of “potential woodenspooners”.

MURRAY’S WORRY TENNIS: Fresh from proving BBM correct with another big let down in the Australian Open, Andy Murray is going through his traditional post-big-game slump after being dumped out of the World Tennis Tournament in the first round by Marcos Baghdatis. Murray capitulated 6-4, 6-1 by the Cypriot in just over an hour. Well done Andy, you never cease to underwhelm us.

EASY RYDER GOLF: European Ryder Cup captain Jose Maria Olatthhhhhhabal will only have two wildcard picks - down from three - when he selects his team for the 2012 match. In another change, the European money list will now count ahead of the world points list for automatic qualifying. Olazabal asked for the changes and was “very pleased” the tournament committee had agreed to his request.

Now, in the name of Rugby League, Tahu moved back to Newcastle and asked Johns for a bit of help.

“I just felt this would give the team the best chance to keep the Ryder Cup. That’s what we all want,” he erupted.

Unfortunately for them, and fortunately for anybody who enjoys the overrated player (Johns, that is) falling flat on his face, everybody turned the offer down.

JOKE OF A BUTT

Ouch. Maybe Tahu should worry more about the Human Rights Commission, who are on his case for (Lawyers - again, allegedly) racism directed at an aboriginal child last October. We’d imagine they’re none too pleased.

BASKETBALL: Just when we finished rolling our eyes at the thought of Ian Thorpe making a comeback, we have Michael Jordan to deal with.

has been spotted practicing with the Charlotte Bobcats in practice sessions. This is the team he owns, so maybe he’s just a hands on owner?

Although, if this means we get a sequel to the 1996 smash Space Jam, BBM is keen.

“He still has it,” Bobcats forward Gerard Wallace said. “He’s been kicking our ass. He doesn’t have this quickness, but he can score, he’s a shooter.”

The 48-year-old former NBA star

*HOPEFULLY

CRICKET: In a sporting world where both Andy Gray and Richard Keys can pick up new jobs at the drop of a hat, it’s perhaps not unsurprising to learn that banned former Pakistan captain Salman Butt has landed a plum job working as a TV pundit. The cheating bastard will work as a commentator for Pakistan’s Channel Five during the World Cup. “I got a good offer. Since I’m doing nothing I thought it would allow me to test a new area,” said the 26-year-old. And in another twist, the BBC has also claims that Butt has been investigated before by the ICC’s anti-corruption unit in connection with “suspicious” phone calls and texts from his agent during the World Twenty20 in the West Indies last May.

That’s what she said. BBM-595 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

FOOTBALL

VIEWS

LITTLE RED DEVILS NO MATCH FOR BIG BAD WOLVES THE huge build up to the Chelsea versus Liverpool game proved to be such an anti-climax. By half time BBM was falling asleep, and it had nothing to do with the fact it was 3am. OK there were the traitor taunts, Daniel Agger elbowing Torres on the face and Maxi Rodriguez who obviously still thinks Torres is a teammate, and passed the ball to him. Torres did look odd in blue and as soon as he walked off the pitch the goal was scored by none other than Roy Hodgson-signing Raul Meireles. No surprise since teammates Petr Cech and Ivanovic were busy arguing with each other. The use-by date of some of the boys in blue is really

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

starting to show through and BBM wouldn’t surprised if some of them weren’t wearing the blue shirt for much longer. But let’s not forget about David Luiz (pictured), the other new Chelsea boy. Someone tell Marouane Fellaini he’s got competition for the’biggest hair in the Premier League’ title. As much as it pains BBM to say this, the Merseysiders deserved to win. They proved they do not need a former striker to win games… …unlike Manchester United who obviously needed their defenders on Saturday. Rio Ferdinand thought it was a good time to have an “injury” which we know as code word for break, being confident that there was no

“If the Arsenal players don’t like being tackled, they should go and play basketball or netball or one of the other games.” The always tactful Joey Barton after Newcastle’s astonishing comeback against Arsenal. way a pack of Wolves could blow the Red Devils chances of a flawless record. Oh dear. United fans were left wondering how to deal with the loss while Fergie was cursing himself for chewing the wrong brand of gum that day. Well, Wolves are back and they’re ready to take on the Gunners this weekend. Rumour has it they have offered the Gunners a fourgoal head start… - Lorna Evio

A-LEAGUE OF IT’S OWN WITH the A-League Finals fast approaching, I give you 10 reasons to watch the A-League over the other thuggish codes: 1) Full-strength beer: No fullstrength beer sold at the cricket – what’s the point of sporting events without full strength beer?! 2) Family-friendly role models: There is no Jarrod Sammut who gets a misspelled tattoo across his chest. There is no Wayne Carey to sleep with his best friend’s wife. And probably most of all, there’s not Joel Monaghan to commit ungodly acts with dogs. 3) No video ref: play isn’t stopped every four minutes to check something on a video. Sure, there are errors made. That’s life. 4) Foreign players: No, Hazem el Masri isn’t foreign. Neither is Willie Mason. There is no truly foreign element in thugby. A-League on the other hand has magicians like Carlos Hernandez, Sergio van Dijk, et al. 5) Best looking players: Need a reason to convince the missus to come along? Ask her, 74

would she rather look at David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo or Luke Covell? 6) The only national sport: The only sport to actually engage the entire country with teams from all over this great land. 7) Brisbane Roar: Even Rini Coolen admits the Roar’s standard of football is at European level. If you want European football at ALeague prices, go see Brisbane. 8) Tight f nishes: St. George 8-1 Parramatta went down as one of the most entertaining matches in Rugby League history. Football has it almost every week. 9) Melbourne 6-0 Adelaide in the Grand Final: Okay, maybe this contradicts my point on tight matches but everyone was entertained by the standard of football from Melbourne in this match. 10) It’s football: Football once stopped civil war in the Ivory Coast so the country could qualify for the World Cup. No other sport has this power. It truly is the world game. - Alen Delic

“I have had 20 years of people slagging me off, then I retire and people start to praise me.” Gary Neville still f nds something to whinge about.

“Gary Neville was one of the most consistent players in Premier League history. He was also one of the biggest pains in the arse!” Graham Poll still clinging to the limelight whenever possible.

“He’s an extremely inexperienced and not very bright footballer.” Derby’s Nigel Clough bigs up star striker Tomasz Cywka.

“Liverpool will always be very special to me. Because of its history, Liverpool is a bigger club (than Chelsea) but it’s going through a difficult time.” Fernando Torres make sure it’s not just Liverpool fans he’s offended recently.

“I have great respect for Roy so I’d never say ‘things have changed for the better’ and that type of stuff.” Jamie Carragher sitting on the fence when it comes to assessing the merits of Roy Hodgson and Kenny Dalglish. Two sentences later...“Things have improved now and Kenny coming has got everyone onside.”

“I refused to react. Why should I react to him (Scott Brown)? Noone knows him - I’m too big and too strong for him.” El Hadji Diouf introduces himself to Old Firm football as only he can.

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FOOTBALL

WEEKEND PREVIEW

SATURDAY FIXTURES

EARLY KICK-OFF GUIDE MAN UTD

MAN CITY

Saturday 12th February Barclays Premier League Man United v Man City Arsenal v Wolves Birmingham City v Stoke City Blackburn Rovers v Newcastle Blackpool v Aston Villa Liverpool v Wigan Athletic WBA v West Ham Sunderland v Tottenham

DWWWL LEAGUE FORM DWLDW 1ST LEAGUE POSITION 3RD KICK-OFF: 11.45PM (SYDNEY) WORTH STAYING UP FOR RATING:

WHAT WE SAY FOR once a Saturday night match that’s genuinely mouthwatering. Last week, we would have bet diamonds on a United win but the defeat at Wolves may have shaken them up a bit. City also have a habit of turning up for the big games... and they don’t get much bigger than this. Frankly we haven’t got a clue how this one’s going to turn out. Which is a good thing. We’ll go for United purely because they’ll probably be looking to make amends after the Wolves game. Prediction: Man Utd 1-0 Man City WHAT THEY SAY Alex Ferguson (Man Utd): On the club’s unbeaten run coming to an end... “The players have done us proud. It was an opportunity for us to continue the great run we’ve been on, [but] the consistency we have shown in the last two months has been terrific. It’s disappointing, it’s been a long run for us.” Roberto Mancini (Man City): “We must improve. We need to play football again and the last two weeks we have to forgot this. We must change our mentality, play football and stop conceding goals... the gap at the top at this moment is too much. It’s a big gap but football is strange and can change very quickly.” TEAM NEWS: For United, England’s new sicknote, Rio Ferdinand, is out for two weeks after picking up a calf injury before the defeat at Wolves. Park Ji-Sung is set to return after Asian Cup duty with South Korea. For City, mouthy bastard Mario Balotelli is losing his battle to recover from a knee knock while kung-fu expert Nigel de Jong is rated as 50-50 as he struggles to overcome an ankle injury.

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE!

with ace pundit Chris Kamara

IN an audacious bid to play for Arsenal, a Chinese man without an agent or any professional experience has sent the Gunners a three-minute video of himself performing various nifty skills, along with a document outlining his necessary statistics.

He bragged he could run 100 meters in 11 seconds, the same as Theo Walcott, and can do 100 push-ups or sit-ups in 60 seconds. Apparently that’s “unparalleled by any football star in the world”. He also added a heartfelt letter which read: “I would like to have the opportunity to play. Help me, let me play it… PLEASE COME TO HELP ME”. Unbelievable Jeff!

npower Championship Barnsley v Ipswich Town Bristol City v Leeds United Cardiff City v Scunthorpe Coventry City v Crystal Palace Doncaster v Portsmouth Hull City v Preston North End Middlesbrough v Swansea City Norwich City v Reading Sheffield United v Millwall Watford v Burnley Derby County v Leicester City npower League 1 Brighton v Hartlepool Charlton v Peterborough Colchester v Swindon Town Dagenham v Yeovil Huddersfield v Oldham Athletic Leyton Orient v Bristol Rovers MK Dons v Brentford Notts County v Exeter City Plymouth v Tranmere Rovers Rochdale v Sheffield Weds Southampton v Carlisle United Walsall v Bournemouth npower League 2 Accrington Stanley v Southend Aldershot Town v Macclesfield Barnet FC v Torquay United Bradford City v Wycombe Cheltenham Town v Hereford Crewe Alexandra v Gillingham Lincoln City v Morecambe Oxford United v Rotherham Port Vale v Northampton Town Shrewsbury Town v Stevenage Stockport County v Bury Scottish Premier League Hamilton Academical v Hearts Hibernian v Kilmarnock Rangers v Motherwell St Johnstone v Aberdeen St Mirren v Inverness

More pencil-moustached punditry and footballing facts next week folks!

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FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

CUSHY KUQI COUP Fair play to Alan Pardew for sticking to his guns following the £35million sale of Andy Carroll. At the time he mused: “The one thing I said to [the chairman] yesterday was, ‘Look, if this boy is going to go, this money has to be reinvested in the team. All of it’.” And Pardew made good on that promise this week with the signing of 34-year-old former Swansea striker Shefki Kuqi on a free transfer. According to that bastion of moral values The Sun, friend-shafting John Terry has quit gambling after risking colossal fortunes at the bookies. The Chelsea and England defender has closed accounts with a number of bookmakers, including Victor Chandler after risking huge sums.

The London-centric English media have wet themselves with excitement after Fabio Capello “sang the praises” of Jack Wilshere following the youngster’s impressive performance for England in the 2-1 friendly win over Denmark. Despite only playing for one half in a meaningless game, Capello said: “He played very well. He played with confidence, passed a lot of good balls and won back possession.”

players from Premier League games if they try to wriggle out of appearing for England.

The castrated old farts at the FA seem to have finally realised no one has any respect for them after 24 players withdrew from their four representative teams - the seniors, Under-21s, Under-20s and Under-19s – last week. FA officials are now trying to ban

He’s not even at the club these days, but Emmanuel Adebayor continues to be a thorn in the side of Man City boss Roberto Mancini. Despite struggling for a game at Eastlands, the Togo striker has already scored twice since moving to Real Madrid on

BOOK WITH US DIRECT, MENTION THIS AD AND

Toon twats who walked out of the ground at half-time as their side trailed 4-0 to Arsenal have started moaning following Newcastle’s stunning fightback. “Av watched Nee’castle all me leef and this is tha first time av left early,” Byker Groved fan Martin Lindsay. “But the first half performance was so inept I could’na stand any mo-er.” Chris Hughton’s otherwise good reputation is set to be ruined with the BBC claiming he’s close to taking over the West Brom job. But hold on... The Sun are saying Roy Hodgson will be appointed Baggies boss next week while The Guardian reckon it will be Sam Allardyce. It’s almost as if the papers don’t actually know who’s going to take over and are just throwing out the names of random outof-work managers in a bid to sell more copies in the West Midlands. But of course that’s a ridiculous suggestion.

And in a fit of castrating vengeance, FA idiots have said they won’t ask Fabio Capello to stay on as England boss after his contract expires after the Euro 2012 finals… which means an already ego-driven bunch of players have another reason not to give a shit what Capello thinks.

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loan, a feat made all the more impressive by the fact he hit both goals while sucking Jose Mourinho’s cock. “It is very easy to work with Mourinho,” he slurped. “He is an excellent person and he enhances my game. He has his own way of dealing with people. He tells you what he expects you to do.” After elbowing Fernando Torres last week, Daniel Agger has further enhanced his glowing reputation on Merseyside by declaring the team was “shit” under Roy Hodgson. “Look at the team - we played awful, we were shit. When you look now every single player is better. But when we were losing, everybody was on top of us, everybody played bad,” he frothed. The Premier League’s favourite pet dog, Brian Kidd, says his conscience is clear following his feud with Sir Alex Purplenose after his old mentor accused him of going behind his back to the Old Trafford hierarchy. “I’m relaxed about it all,” said Man City’s assistant manager. “I’ll give the benefit of the doubt. I know myself and that’s the most important thing to me. I know.” Sparta Prague may be in a bit of trouble for fielding players they refused to release for international duty. Sparta’s claims they were injured were undermined when they played in a friendly with fake names on their shirts. Ledley King has undergone groin surgery in Germany after concerns he may lose his title of mostknacked Spurs defender to Jonathan Woodgate. “[He] will fly back home later today and is expected to return to training in two weeks,” droned an optimistic club suit.

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FOOTBALL

FEATURE

UPTON GIRLS LIVING IN AN UPTOWN WORLD A HEARTY congratulations to West Ham United. This weekend The Hammers were expected to be backed by Olympic bosses looking for a team to move into their brandspanking new multi-million pound athletics stadium in Stratford when next year’s Olympics are over. According to the BBC anyway.

Also, the government and London’s haybale-haired mayor Boris Johnson will take a final decision but are expected to back the OPLC’s recommendation. There are plenty of angry Hammers fans kicking up a stink about the whole move. Proper fans that is. We’re sure there are a few prawn-sandwich lovers who can’t wait to get box tickets for the “big derby” against Leyton Orient in a couple of years.

Their prize? A soulless half-empty stadium with poor-parking facilities and an athletics track around the edge of the pitch that will leave fans feeling even more distant from their primadonna players. Spurs must be kicking themselves. It’s not all done and dusted yet, and if Karren ‘make us a cup of tea love’ Brady and David Gold come to their senses they’ll

pull out, but somehow we doubt that will happen.

Still it could be worse. That’s why we’ve compiled a top five weirdest stadiums list so Hammers fans can “av a giraffe” while listening to Chas and Dave.

WORLD’S WEIRDEST FOOTBALL STADIUMS...

ESTÁDIO MUNICIPAL DE BRAGA

PORTUGAL, BRAGA

Expensive and weird. FC Braga’s home stadium is either some kind of crazy beautiful or just a piss-poor effort on the part of the architect – who basically just built the thing in the face of an adjacent quarry. Hence the ground’s less-than imaginative nickname of “The Quarry”.

COCODRILOS SPORTS PARK

VENEZUELA, CARACAS

STADION GOSPIN DOLAC CROATIA, IMOTSKI

No question marks over this effort – it’s fucking horrible. Caracas FC’s home ground only holds 3000 people, which is pretty poor for an all-terrace affair. Not helped by the fact it lies directly next to a motorway. As you can see.

A bit like Alyson Hannigan, in that its strangely alluring, Stadion Gospin Dolac was built in 1989 but looks like it could have played on by an All England XI featuring Shakespeare, Sir Walter Raleigh and Charles “Chopper” Dickens in 1839. Also overlooked by a castle. How cool.

THE FLOAT

SINGAPORE, MARINA BAY OK, this one isn’t always available as the floating platform it’s built on also doubles up as various other things. Made entirely of steel, the floating platform measures 390 feet long and 270 feet wide. Fun fact: BBM once shagged a really hot girl who lives in Singapore. Nothing to do with the story but we just like to bring it up whenever we get the chance. 80

THE K KRAMYRA STADIUM

NORWAY, AALESUND Just one loose screw away from becoming a national disaster, The Kramyra Stadium was home to Aalesund FC for 90 years until they moved in 2005. Despite it’s clear disregard for health and safety, we’d still prefer to watch football here than Kenilworth Road. BBM-595 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SPORT GUIDE

Contents PAGE 80 Football Top Five: Weirdest stadiums PAGE 78 Football News: Kuqi be my lover PAGE 76 Football Preview: Man Utd v Man City

PAGE 74 Football View: With Lorna Evio & Alen Delic PAGE 72 World Sport: England on the up

PAGE 70 World Sport: The Cricket World Cup

PAGES 68 & 69 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables

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