Family & Relationship

Maria Natapov Stepparenting Coach & Strategist

Somebody to Lean On

Have you ever felt like things are stacked against you and everything is moving in the wrong direction?

Maybe it has to do with a co-worker or a client, or a close friend or family member. And things go from trekking along smoothly to suddenly feeling bumpy and quickly escalate to feeling insurmountable. I recently had this experience too!

My teenage stepdaughter and I have always had a great relationship. For the last 5 years I’ ve been her full-time mom figure as she ’ s chosen not to have a relationship with her bio-mom for the time being because of neglect and abuse.

Most of the time people say we act more like sisters than mother and daughter. But around May of this year, she and I were starting to butt heads.

I noticed she was getting distant.

This went on for a while. It seemed like no matter what I did or said, everything landed the wrong way making matters worse. I could see her struggling silently as she stopped opening up to me during this time which was a big departure from us always talking openly about everything. And it was extremely painful to watch.

It became clear to me that our communication style stopped working and a rift was growing between us. I realized that it was too painful for both of us to keep going this way and I needed help from an expert to guide me and us through this process. So, I found one.

And I can’t tell you what a relief it was from the very first session!

It felt amazing to be able to get out what my concerns were and to have someone point out the similarities between us and how much love we have for each other which has been causing us pain.

I got the gift of an unbiased perspective to help me see patterns that we’ve been operating in that I’ve been too close to see. This gave me lots of insight and brought me instant relief as I reflected on what was strong about our relationship and our beautiful bond.

It quickly changed the dynamic of my stepdaughter’s and my relationship and helped bring us closer and helped us repair the rift that had started to take form.

This was a great reminder that in relationships things happen. The only constant change it brings with it is more change. And the only thing you can do is adapt. Sometimes it can be hard to see that your response, is coming from a fear-based place and isn’t helpful.

When you’re too close to a situation, especially one with high stakes, it can be emotionally draining and overwhelming to find a new approach to get things back on track. Sometimes it’s as simple as seeing things from a new perspective.

In addition to quickly recognizing patterns because of their birds-ey view perspective, an expert has tools, strategies, and tips at their disposal that they can teach you to navigate these situations.

Think of it as hands-on learning and therefore growth. The beauty is once you go through a few of these and start to understand how to apply the tools and when you become self-sufficient in maneuvering these situations.

The point is, whether you are going through a new transition like blending a family or whether you’ve been at the game with the same players for a while, things change.

The changes bring on new seasons and therefore new challenges. But you don’t have to navigate these alone or feel hopeless at creating the results you so badly want. I can find help and support, be it from a therapist, coach, or an alternative approach like Rapid Resolution Practitioner.

The point is, you get accountability, expertise, guidance, and someone to walk beside you to get you the exact results you want. It’s just about finding the approach and guide that’s right for you.

As William Hutchison Murray said,

“ …that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way…

Your closest relationships often cause the most pain, like my stepdaughter’s and mine was doing to both of us, because they’re the ones that matter most.

They are also the ones you are around the most especially if you’re living together. So ask yourself, are your relationships heading in the direction that you want them to be?

If there’s now a resounding “YES, ” then what would you like to do about

it?

As making the decision set everything in a new direction.

Anger is a Signal

How Finding the Root of Your Anger can Save Your Marriage

Nicole Mason, Relationship Coach + RTT Practitioner

I have always been known as the “Anger and Conflict Specialist.

” I know how to calm situations seamlessly, how to get to the root of the anger, how to get people to open up to each other, even if they haven ’t done so for years, and I know how to resolve issues quickly.

I started mediating playground issues when I was in grade school. I mediated many moments in my own parent’ s divorce as I was growing up. I mediated (and still do) all of my friend’ s marriages.

I became trained in mediation before I went to law school. I took mediation courses during law school. I mediated divorces as a divorce attorney.

The biggest observation I took away from 30 years of mediation experience is: Anger is a signal that something else is going on.

This observation holds true as a Rapid Transformational Therapist (RTT), too.

The issue is that most of us do not know how to use anger to our advantage.

Elite athletes can embrace anger and let it fuel them to the next level of competition. But, most people end up letting anger rule them, even if they don ’t realize it. It simmers and simmers until they blow up –usually on the ones they love the most.

As part of my RTT practice, I usually suggest the first session on anger. Once you clear out the anger that has been holding onto, all their other issues either go away on their own or they ’ re so much easier to address.

Anger is the predominant emotion throughout the country (world?) right now.

When anger comes up, there ’ s usually a lot more at play. We tend to resort to anger to cover up other feelings – usually feelings that make us feel more vulnerable. Anger shows up to protect us from showing our true feelings because anger is “ easier ” to feel and more socially acceptable to exhibit.

Taking a deeper look at the feelings beneath the anger - the feelings we feel immediately before we feel anger - can help to understand and decrease our anger reactions.

First, we might feel:

attacked offended disrespected pressured hurt scared humiliated frustrated rejected

The more intense these feelings get, the more we think of them as “anger.

However, anger is a secondary emotion. A secondary emotion means that it is the emotion that shows up. Think of your feelings like an iceberg. Anger is the tip of an iceberg, the part you can see in yourself and others. But, the actual emotion (or the primary or originating emotion), is something beneath the ‘water line’ of the iceberg and is usually not immediately obvious to others, or even yourself.

One of my RTT clients’ experiences illustrates this perfectly (names changed for privacy purposes):

Ashley went from her husband calling her immature and her constantly yelling at her kids….to Ashley feelings in control, clearly voicing her needs, and her husband responding to her in a loving way, as well as her being patient and gentle with her children after one RTT session on anger.

Ashley always got angry easily. At everyone. Her kids, her boss, her direct reports, herself, but especially her husband. Not just angry, but resentful. She’d feel overwhelmed, get impatient, and lose her temper…every night. Someone would end up crying – usually her.

And, her husband would say things like “I can’t believe how immature you are.

Ashley knew she wasn’t immature! She was ALWAYS seen as the mature kid growing up. Much more mature than her age. But, she didn’t know how hard juggling all of these things would be. She knew something had to change. She tried a lot of different strategies, from exercise and meditation to girl’s nights and solo trips away, but the things she tried never seemed to have a lasting impact.

Ashley got her husband to go to couples therapy but it didn’t help because she just wanted a caring, involved husband, but he wanted a perfect housewife.

He is not a caring husband – not in the ways Ashley wanted. And, Ashley is certainly not a perfect housewife….because she has to work outside of the home (and, let’s be honest, she wants to work for her own sanity).

Ashley asked her friends for advice, but they were all in the same boat. Her mom doesn’t understand because life as a wife is wildly different in 2022 than it was in 1985.

She felt as if she had nowhere to turn.

Things were getting really hard. She was ready to give up. It had to be a sign that nothing was working, right?

Ashley started thinking about the logistics of what a divorce would look like – a single mom with 50/50 custody of 2 young kids. Trying to date again, with kids. Juggling long hours working and being solely responsible for homework.

Both options – staying in her unhappy marriage or getting divorced and becoming a signal mom – sound hard. And, scary. And, heartbreaking. But, Ashley can barely stand to be in the same room as her husband some days, so maybe separating is the only option since marriage therapy hasn’t worked.

What Ashley (and most of my clients) didn’t realize is that marriage therapy is just talking about the surface-level stuff – the big things that happened that day or the week before. It’s not getting to the root of the problems. The marriage therapist just doesn’t have that kind of time in an hour-long session with 2 people trying to air their own grievances. The marriage therapist, at this point in a relationship, is simply acting as a referee.

As a last-ditch effort, Ashley came to see me and we did an RTT session on anger. The biggest takeaway was Ashley realizing the rejection and insecurity she felt as an 8-yearold was running her life. When she was 8, she’d wake up in the middle of the night and realize her parents left the house without telling her or her younger siblings. Eight-yearold Ashley always panicked, being afraid something happened to her parents and felt a heavy weight of responsibility to make sure her siblings were safe. Only to find out the next morning that her parents left to go to the bar after the kids were asleep. Ashley became so resentful of her parents and carried that resentment with her. Ashley formed a belief that all adults are irresponsible and not to be trusted.

Ironically, Ashley learned that she promised her 8-year-old self that she was “never going to be a stupid adult. ” She couldn’t help her body from becoming an adult, but her mind and emotions kept that promise.

For example, every time her husband mentioned her immaturity, it was like giving a gold star to her subconscious – it was doing its job, helping Ashley keep that promise to herself.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t helpful for grown-up Ashely, and she wanted to get rid of that belief; she didn’t need it anymore. In fact, Ashley didn’t even realize this belief that followed her. Neither Ashley nor her husband has ever left their home in the middle of the night without a good reason, like to get medicine for an illness that expectedly popped up.

During the RTT session, we flipped those beliefs to understand that not all adults are like that, and she can be and is a mature, calm adult, wife, and mother. I also taught her skills to regulate her emotions, be indifferent to criticism that isn’t true, and be able to trust herself and rely on her husband. Her results were immediate. She is now easily able to shift her own actions and reactions, in small simple ways. These shifts gave her husband a newfound excitement about their marriage and family – without Ashley having to do anything to force him to be. Her husband noticed the changes in Ashley almost immediately and followed her lead.

Now, Ashley’s husband swoons over her and is the considerate, helpful husband she wanted and needed.

Divorce is no longer on the table for Ashley and her husband, but this story is NOT unique.

I saw this EVERY DAY as a divorce attorney.

With my divorce clients, before we moved into the divorce process, I would always have a talk with my clients, who were in the same place as Ashley, about how a divorce isn’t going to magically fix all the problems.

She’d still have to deal with her husband, even if they’re divorced if they’re co-parenting. She’s probably going to get into another relationship, only to have similar issues come up. She’d need to make some changes within herself if she wanted a different life. The most common piece of advice I gave my divorce clients was: You have to do different things to have a different life. This was always the hardest part of the divorce process, but it doesn’t have to be. Now that I have RTT as a tool, my clients are able to turn things around – for themselves – completely.

For example, two days after Ashley’s RTT session, she messaged me: “I don’t know what kind of magic wand you have, I feel like a new woman! You smashed all my old beliefs. Beliefs I didn’t even know I had. My thoughts and feelings always felt so tangled up but you helped me untangle them and understand the cause and root of my anger, and realize it’s not applicable to my life anymore. I want to be an adult now –mind and body. I’ve felt so relaxed in the days since the RTT session. I’m so gentle with my kids and actually present with them. And, I haven’t snapped, or even rolled my eyes, at my husband once, despite stressful days at work! I’ve finally got my relaxing evenings, eating dinner with my family, winding down from the day, getting homework done, and connecting and having fun together before bed.

After Ashley’s RTT Session, we met a few more times to go over some real-world examples of how she could become the wife she wanted to be and the mom she always imagined she’d be.

Ashley didn’t REALLY want a divorce… she wanted her dream. To be a mom and a wife, making happy memories out of everyday moments – and divorce wasn’t going to get her that.

It doesn’t have to be hard.

It doesn’t have to take years or even months.

Ashley got these results, and so much more that wasn’t even included here, in 28 days. That’s IT. 28 Days. From divorce to the dream life. THAT SIMPLE.

If you found yourself nodding your head yes, and seeing so much of yourself in Ashley’s story, you’re not alone. While it’s important to know what triggers your anger, if you’re angry or frustrated a lot, it’s probably not something you’re just going to be able to control through effort. It’s probably not something you can even exercise away.

It’s hard to utilize anger as a signal if you do not know what it is trying to communicate with you. RTT is the perfect tool to figure it out so you can live a life using anger to your advantage. I’m here to help if you want help getting to the root of your anger.