SLEEPING WITH YOUR CLONE: IS IT ETHICAL?
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Sleeping With Your Clone: Is it Ethical? By Matt Gagliano
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et me tell you a story, a tragic story of a man who just wanted to come up with a good idea for an article to write for Binghamton Review’s Sex Issue. As you may have guessed at this point, that man was me. For many days I laid awake at night, haunted by my inability to come up with any ideas for my next masterpiece (also maybe the chronic insomnia?). I turned to my Binghamton Review peers, desperate for a crumb of inspiration. Alas, I found none, and eventually settled on an idea that was derivative of something I’ve already written, and one I was not all that interested in: which car from the movie Cars is the most fuckable. While I’m confident that I could’ve produced a well-written page from this idea, it simply never made me feel anything; I would be writing it for the sake of writing, and not because I was genuinely excited about exploring the topic. I was all but ready to sit down and crank out this boring, uninspired article until something magical happened last night. I was talking with my girlfriend, and we were both very tired, so naturally, the conversation consisted of a bunch of random nonsense. At a certain point, she asked a question, a mind-blowing question, an Earth-shattering question that would stump even Socrates himself, a question that would lift me out of my article topic deficient state: “If you had a clone, would you have sex with it?” Naturally, my response was “What the fuck are you talking
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about?” but the more the conversation went on, the more questions that were raised. Would it be gay to fuck your clone, or would that constitute masturbation? Would it be considered incest? And, of course, the age-old question, if you could suck your own dick, would that make you gay? Well, ladies, gentlemen, and deer, these questions are exactly what I seek to answer today.
“If you’re looking for a real-life example, just take a look at the Property Brothers. Everyone knows they’re absolutely doing it when the cameras are off, and they’re gay as fuck.” Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? When originally asked the question of whether or not I would have sex with a clone of myself, my initial response was that I would not, as the clone would be a man, and therefore having sex with him would make me gay. My girlfriend, who very enthusiastically claimed that she would have sex with her clone, then tried to defend her position by claiming that having sex with a clone of yourself would qualify as masturbation, and therefore wouldn’t be gay. At first glance, this argument appears to make sense, after all, the hole you’d be jamming your fuck stick down would be genetically identical to your own, thereby making it your hole, right? And if you’re shoving sausage in your own holes, then that wouldn’t be gay, that would just be an advanced form of jerking off, right? WRONG! Why’s that, you may ask? Well, allow me to answer your question with a question: if identical twins of the same gender do the dirty, would that be gay? The answer is yes, obviously, as two different people of the same gender would be having sex; not that I need to explain the concept of gay sex to our reader base. If
you’re looking for a real-life example, just take a look at the Property Brothers. Everyone knows they’re absolutely doing it when the cameras are off, and they’re gay as fuck. Identical twins share the same DNA, much like you would with your clone. Most normal human beings wouldn’t consider fucking an identical twin masturbation, so the same logic must be applied to your clone, meaning that it is, in fact, gay to have sex with a clone of yourself. At least, that’s what it seems… I guess you’re just going to have to keep reading, the ending may shock you. Now then, we’ve established that slinging schlong with your clone would be gay, but believe it or not, there are real, unironic gay people out there, so what about them? Are they free to have as much gay clone sex as they want without any moral implications? Well, that brings us to our next question, would having sex with your clone fall under the umbrella of incest? According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of incest is “sexual intercourse between persons so closely related that they are forbidden by law to marry.” Yes, I did look up the dic-
“So, basically what we learn from this is that whenever someone tells you to go fuck yourself, they’re basically telling you to commit incest. Fucking degenerates.” tionary definition of incest for the sole purpose of writing this article. You can almost always tell when I’m writing a Review article, as my search history contains weird shit like “incest definition,” “communion wafer weight,” and “Dr. Mario hardcore POV porn.” Anyway, based on that definition of incest, in order to determine if sticking it in your clone qualifies, we must first determine whether or not a clone of yourself would be “forbidden by law
Vol. XXXIV, Issue VIII
