EDITORIAL Dear Readers,
From the Editor
L
adies and Gentleman, welcome to that issue of Binghamton Review. You know, the one between the Sex Issue and the April Fools Issue that no one really cares about. The one that everyone, including our own writers, forget exists. This issue is so unimportant, so completely forgettable, that I could literally write a bunch of random nonsense for this editorial, and not a single soul will call me out on it. Anyway, this issue took five thousand years to produce. We have writers from all over the world, including South America, Kentucky, and Mars. When I read Jimothy O’Jonner’s article, “How to kill and eat your favorite government official” I shed not one, not two, but seven tears. The resulting dehydration put me in a coma for several years, but this morning I woke up, ready to assemble the new Binghamton Review Issue. That’s how committed I am to this job! I would literally crush ten puppies with my thighs if it meant that Binghamton Review would prosper. Don’t worry, the puppies would like it. It’s March, so you know what that means. Or at least I hope you do, because I most certainly don’t. March Madness? That’s the thing where you get a really bad headache and run over six to ten people with a truck, right? I had a case of March Madness once, I almost died. Luckily, I prayed to god, and nothing happened, because god has abandoned us. I only survived due to my sharp wit, survival instincts, and eighteen pounds of drugs. Ever heard of the Ides of March? I have, but I don’t know why I’m supposed to beware them. Pretty sure it has something to do with stabbing a caesar salad, or something. I don’t know why you’d do that, typically you don’t need a knife to eat a salad, but maybe they had a touch of March Madness or something. And that’s full circle, thank you ladies and gentleman, you’ve been a great audience. Goodnight. But let’s be honest, you didn’t pick up this article to read me babble on in the editorial for way too long. You’re here for one thing, and one thing only. The main reason why most people read Binghamton Review: to buy koalas illegally. While I believe our koala supply is running low, if you order right now, you may be able to secure one for yourself. Order within the next ten minutes, and we’ll even throw in a bag of jelly beans, free of charge. This special offer is only available to good boys and girls, so if you’re a bad person who enjoys being mean, eating dirt, and running around with your arms out while making airplane noises, then I’m sorry, no koalas for you. I’d like to end this editorial on a few final thoughts: Your mom is fake, turtles smell like cheese, and the cure for March Madness can be found underneath the five thousandth rock that you pass by in the Nature Preserve, assuming you go down the red path. Good luck, and happy New Hallowtinesmas Eve!
Sincerely,
Matt Gagliano Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine of conservative thought founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found or accepted on our predominately liberal campus. We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Independence and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness and cultural authoritarianism that dominates this university. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole. editor@binghamtonreview.com
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