Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

VOL. 3 - ISSUE 19

Man who stole cop car to be deported

BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: Ghostland Takes Over NYE 5 Stars News 6 Mavs News 7 A Job In Holland? 8 COVER STORY: Chowders, Stews & Soups Summering In Alaska 9 Cooking At Home 10 Our Favorite Meals 10-11 The A-Z Of Stew 11 BLITZ BABE: Yael 12 NFL Divisional Previews 13 Blitz Toys 14 Can This Job Be Saved? 15 Trouble In Paradise 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: January Is The Worst Month 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Steven Hendrix, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors, Matt Pearce, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Arto Alanenpaa, Martin Bravenboer, Dennis Hambright, Magnus Manske, Roxanne Jo Mitchell, George Parrilla, Alberto Racatumba, Nuyos, Pleple2000, Stevage, wtoddk STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak and Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Jay Betsill, Johnny Blaze, Kris Boudreau, Bronte Erwin, Dennis Hambright, Andrew J. Hewett, Henry Jenkins, Ryan Maffei, Mark Miller, H. Todd J. Moore CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.” –Edward Abbey

NH trooper helps speeding dad-to-be, issues ticket

Their son wasn’t going to wait to be born, so John Coughlin rushed his laboring wife to the hospital. He called 911 when a state trooper tried to pull their car over, and the trooper turned the chase into an escort – then issued him a speeding ticket. Baby Kyle was born six minutes after the Coughlins arrived at the hospital in Manchester on Sept. 18. After that, Coughlin said the trooper congratulated him, then gave him a ticket for hitting 102 mph. A trial is scheduled for Monday and Coughlin is contesting the ticket. “I didn’t realize how fast I was going until he gave me the ticket,” Coughlin, of Londonderry, said Wednesday on ABC’s Good Morning America. He said he didn’t want to plead guilty because “they said I could lose my license.” Major Russell Conte said the trooper did the right thing. The speed limit on Interstate 293 was 55 mph, and he contended Coughlin put his wife, unborn child, himself and the public at risk. When Coughlin’s wife, Angela, heard about ticket, she said she was shocked. “I thought it would get thrown out,” she said. Kyle is the couple’s second child. They have an 11-year-old daughter.

The Idaho Mountain Express reports that 38-yearold Guadalupe Cruz-Vasquez went to the Jerome County Sheriff’s office Monday night and demanded to be deported to Mexico. Police Sgt. Duane Rubink says authorities declined to take the Jerome resident into custody, so he walked to a nearby police station, broke the window of a squad car and drove away with the vehicle. Rubink says a cell phone inside the vehicle helped police track its location near Carey, but police didn’t need to stop it: The car ran out of gas. After that, he says, Cruz-Vasquez finally got his wish.

Andrew J. Hewett

www.chewednews.com

WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

Dec. 18, 2010: Mexican authorities reluctantly admitted a prison in Nuevo Laredo was empty. At their leisure, the 180 inmates had walked away.

A SECOND-HAND MURDER

Two days before Christmas, Dec. 23, 2010, a-very-soon-to-be Indianapolis mother, age 34, decided to drink rat poison. Meaning, though her baby was born alive Dec. 30th, it celebrated death Jan. 2, 2011. (Gee, thanks, Ma!)

EXCHANGE? FOR WHAT?

Fla. man says he’ll live in lions’ den for 30 days

A Florida man says he’s going to spend the next month living in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. James Jablon of Spring Hill hopes the stunt will raise money for his wildlife center, Wildlife Rehabilitation of Hernando. Jablon entered the lions’ den Saturday. He says he’s going to sleep on hay near the lions named Lea and Ed and eat when they eat. He going to build a place to sleep and hide in the trees in the enclosure if the lions fight with each other. His adventure is being streamed live online through January 31. About 100 animals live at the center about 40 miles north of Tampa. It was started for native wildlife needing medical treatment, but Jablon says he’s now being asked to provide homes for exotic pets.

Sunday, Jan. 3, 2011, The Dallas Morning News told of a woman trying to park her Lexus SUV who drove into a Best Buy store, brushed past two customers, smashed through a row of shopping carts and came to rest on top of the Exchange Counter.

BRA MEALS

Does Washington, D.C., suck? Well, the House of Representatives, Senate and Capitol have “lactation suites” – “clean, private areas” nicknamed Lactation Lobby, Lactation Station and Milk Factory, “where mothers can nurse their babies and pump their milk.”

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with Seth Rogan

by Vivian Fullerlove

Talk about the ultimate Hollywood triple threat. Seth Rogan has served as writer, producer and/or actor on some of the biggest comedies of the past five years. His latest is a new take on an old television series, The Green Hornet. Rogan, who wrote, produced and stars in the film plays Britt Reid aka the Green Hornet. Britt is the son of LA’s most prominent and respected media magnate and perfectly happy to maintain a directionless existence on the party scene until his father mysteriously dies, leaving Britt his vast media empire. Striking an unlikely friendship with one of his father’s more industrious and inventive employees, Kato, played by Jay Chou, they see their chance to do something meaningful for the first time in their lives: fight crime. I sat down with Rogan who discussed the film and his crime-fighting cohort Jay Chou. What is the setting of The Green Hornet, and how does your character fit in? Our world has been flooded by these rich people who are just kind of famous for being the son of someone who did something great, and that’s kind of who Britt Reid is. He’s just a dude who parties and his father was once a great journalist. But then his father dies, and you and an unlikely assistant set out to right the wrongs of mankind. What made you choose Jay Chou to play the famous Kato role played by Bruce Lee in the TV series? It was instantly clear that he was

“Entertainment’s Real Critic”

super cool and that it would be wrong to see him taking orders from me. As soon as we saw him, it was like this guy is really cool and he kind of seems like a pop star. He was really charismatic and had the hair thing (Rogan swoops imaginary bangs to the side). He just seemed like the last guy who should be subservient to me. So, that was instantly clear. Then we flew him in, and he was really funny. There is a lot of action in this movie that is the pow, bang, wow, action that we saw in 60’s superhero shows. How do you balance that with keeping the story going and not turning the movie into a spoof of the genre? You have to kind of just show people something they’ve never seen before. I like when I go see an action movie, and I come away with those moments where I’m just like, “Wow, I’ve never quite seen that before.” I think what we really had going for us was that the action scenes are what worked and the actual jokes and the relationships really worked. What always makes me happy is that we have these giant fight scenes and these huge action sequences, then these small interactions between characters in the middle of that, and that’s what people really take from that. If you miss the days of campy TV crime fighters in capes and masks with their respective boy wonders, then this is the movie for you! The Green Hornet opens nationwide this week. The film is rated PG-13.

by Ryan Maffei

BLACK SWAN

“Perspectives on Film”

Darren Aronofsky always has something substantial to say, and it’s rarely delivered with a smile. His films all tackle heady, heavy subjects – addiction (Requiem For a Dream), mortality (The Fountain), failure (The Wrestler) – wherein even the most promising people fall victim to a cosmos that couldn’t care less. Of the five movies he’s directed, most tend toward the harshly realistic, but he’s got an untapped penchant for the stylized and the baroque that’s been quietly evident throughout his career – most memorably in the conquistador sequences in the overwrought Fountain. Black Swan, a balletthemed psychological thriller that has the feel of classic Brian DePalma (think Sisters, Phantom of the Paradise, Dressed to Kill and Blow Out), is his most poetic effort yet. Natalie Portman plays a fragile but ambitious young ballet dancer named Nina, whose casting as the lead in an experimental new rendition of Swan Lake begins to unravel what little stability she has to begin with. The character’s virginal optimism is saved from cliché by the nuance of Portman’s portrayal – every facial expression is simultaneously informed by her desire to do well and her fear of shaking faith. She is surrounded by other dancers, and the screen fills with fair, skeletal female faces, bunned-up hair pulling skin tightly against bone. (The act of dancing has never been filmed with such an aesthetic appreciation for the ugliness of muscle movement.) Though beauty is the common goal for the performers and the crew, everyone in Nina’s

world seems to project a subtly sinister quality – her temperamental, vaguely misogynistic director (Vincent Cassel); her overbearing and fearsomely attentive mother (Barbara Hershey, channeling Piper Laurie in Carrie); the interchangeable female bullies that round out her company, led by disintegrating former star Beth Macintyre (Winona Ryder, a spectacularly unsettling prop). Less confrontational is Lily (Mila Kunis), the dark-eyed rebel who arouses both caution and curiosity in the timid young workhorse she threatens to effortlessly supersede. Aronofsky pulls no punches when examining the carnal element of Nina’s fascination with Lily, culminating in a climactic moment you’ll wish you were a part of. There are numerous long musical sequences and a moment or two of CGI weirdness, which is where Aronofsky loses us – the magic is in the interactions not set to Tchaikovsky, and the monumental control and depth of each performance. But don’t be deterred from Black Swan on account of its pretensions, because watching the plot (and Portman) slowly unravel packs a punch hundreds of times more rewarding (and disquieting) than any last-minute Shyamalan twist. And despite the fact that there’s nary a laugh in the movie, Aronofsky gets it that De Palma’s greatest strength was in making the sick and sordid not just hard to look away from, but undeniably fun. Every shot is flecked with blood and laced with tension. But for the first time ever in an Aronofsky film, the way the tragedy unfurls will leave you grinning with satisfaction.

“Music Aficionado”

Ghostland – Codename: Rondo

3. Miracles

Ghostland – Codename: Rondo

4. Codename: Rondo

Ghostland – Codename: Rondo

5. Give Me The Beat

Ghostland – Codename: Rondo

6. Body Shop

Ghostland – Codename: Rondo

7. Freeze

Ghostland – Codename: Rondo

8. Time

Hank Keller of Highland Entertainment appears to have a certain philosophy when it comes to New Year’s Eve: GO BIG OR STAY HOME. After putting on last year’s successful NYE event at the Fairmont Hotel with the one and only DJ Logic, Mr. Keller decided to take things to a whole new level for this year’s extravaganza which was appropriately billed as “Lights all Night.” Held inside the beautiful Plaza of the Americas building in downtown Dallas, the sold-out party featured Dallas’ own jazzy funk rock outfit Gravity Feed, as well as national artists Archnemesis, Kool DJ Supa Mike, and the up-and-coming Two Fresh. As if that weren’t enough entertainment for one evening, the Austin-based dynamic duo Ghostland Observatory was slated to ring in the New Year precisely at midnight. And boy, did they ever. One of the major attractions going into this night was the venue selection. Folks could choose to go the very affordable General Admission route that allowed them onto the main stage floor area and as close to the music as one could physically get, or they could up the ante and grab a VIP spot offering access to a very choice private room with an open bar and a dance floor that was scorching hot at times. Much of that can be attributed to the filth that Gravity Feed was laying down for all the smiling faces in the crowd. Many in the crowd were already familiar with them as they perform around town at bars and clubs on a consistent basis. Others who had not seen them before seemed to be impressed with the level of musicianship these five guys were mashing out. Another one of the nice things about the music was the diversity of the lineup that provided a little something for everybody out there. Whether your flavor of choice is hip-hop, mash-up, electronic, or the aforementioned in-your-face funk rock, there re-

ally was no excuse whatsoever to not get down. And then there was Ghostland Observatory. Having seen Thomas Turner and Aaron Behrens of Ghostland Observatory perform on New Year’s Eve in Dallas at the old Gypsy Tea Room back in 2006, it’s been remarkable to see just how much they’ve grown in the last several years and stunning to witness how massive their live performance has become. From the expansion of their catalog to the addition of a zillion lasers, Ghostland has proved themselves to be a force both nation- and world-wide that simply cannot be reckoned with. As the clock approached midnight, the floor became jam-packed with people eagerly awaiting the countdown and ready to close the books on 2010. The balconies which overlooked the stage were also flooded with people ready to rage. 3,2,1, BOOM! From playing older classics such as “Piano Man,” “Heavy Heart,” and “Sad Sad City” to tracks off of their newest studio effort Codename: Rondo, the energy in the place never subsided. The effects of the laser beams shooting off of the walls and windows added to the pure insanity of the thing. If hard-thumping music, outrageously strong vocals, and a visual show that will blow a hole through your head does not float your boat then this was certainly not the event for you. However, judging by the expressions on people’s faces and by all of the dancing bodies practically swinging from the rafters, “Lights all Night” was one for the ages. Mr. Keller says that Highland Entertainment will put on an event next NYE that will be “even bigger and better.” All we can say to that is: he most certainly has his work cut out for him and that December 31, 2011 can’t get here fast enough.

Ghostland – Codename: Rondo

9. Mama

Ghostland – Codename: Rondo

10. Kick Clap Speaker

Ghostland – Codename: Rondo

Thur 1/13

Rick Yost & The Sofakings Pearl at Commerce – Dallas Dallas native Rick Yost brings a wealth of experience to his acoustic portrayals. Between stints here he has played all over the country and been honored for his songwriting. Form/Unformed: Design From 1960 to the Present Dallas Museum of Art – Dallas Thirty works that will be with us till next year. Now’s the time to ponder seminal ideas in design that have shaped today’s world. Visit the Atrium Café to discuss them.

Fri 1/14

2. That’s Right

Wed 1/12

I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change Theatre Too – Dallas After being introduced by Theatre Three in 2000 this “annual smash hit revue for all romantics” played for three years at Theatre Too. Worth discovering.

Sat 1/15

Ghostland – Codename: Rondo

Young Frankenstein Winspear Opera House – Dallas It helps to forget the movie and see this musical for what it is: a show that works on its own terms, full of slapstick and musical numbers that bring the story—and the creature—to life in interesting ways.

Sun 1/16

Death Is No Small Change! Eisemann Center – Richardson This comedy/mystery brings back detective Harry Hunsacker, beloved of Metroplex audiences for years now. Kurt Kleinmann writes these shows and stars in them. A 3 p.m. matinee.

Mon 1/17

MUSIC: Ghostland Observatory 1. Glitter

Camelot Artisan Center Theater – Hurst Musical comedy on a Monday night in Hurst? Why not? Plenty of us still get dewy-eyed at the memory of that “one brief shining moment.”

Tues 1/18

by Johnny Blaze

Joe Satriani Granada Theater – Dallas The legendary guitarist who’s played with everyone and received 15 grammy nominations (second-most ever) will be available for a “meet and greet,” “personal photo,” etc., but just hold tight to your seat and listen. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com

STARS News

by Tony Barone

“The Senior Sports Authority”

Strengthen Roster with Familiar Face The Dallas Stars began the second half of the season with a home shoot-out loss to the New York Rangers 3-2. Mike Ribeiro scored a power-play goal and Lehtonen stopped 29 shots for the Stars, who are 0-3-2 in their last five games at home. “We had a lot of good things in the game. We should probably focus in on the good things,” Stars coach Marc Crawford said. “But when you’re striving for these points, I guess it’s human nature, especially a coach’s human nature, to pick at the sores that we’ve got in our game. We’ve got to get past that… In the end, it’s a pretty important point, but we had our hearts set and our minds set on getting this thing righted at home. It’s five games now where we haven’t won at home.” Earlier in the week the Stars won two hard-fought games on the road, running their string of road wins to six. That’s the longest road win streak since February, 2008.

perfectly. We got a couple of pucks to the net with people around it and made a couple of bang-bang plays.” The Stars beefed up their roster for the second half of the season by adding veteran winger Jamie Langenbrunner in a trade with the New Jersey Devils. Langenbrunner was drafted by Dallas and began his career with the Stars. He was part of the Stars only Stanley Cup championship in 1999, then was traded to New Jersey in 2002 and was part of the Devils’ championship in 2003. New Jersey gets a conditional thirdround 2011 draft pick in the trade announced Friday. That could become a second-round pick if the Stars win a first-round playoff series or if they re-sign Langenbrunner, who can become an unrestricted free agent this summer. Langenbrunner was the Devils Captain and is expected to be available to play against the Minnesota Wild on January 9.

Dallas Stars Goal- Upcoming Schedule: “He fits the mold tender Kari Lehtonen 1/15 vs Thrashers of the type of play7:00pm stopped 28 shots, in- 1/17 vs Kings ers we want on this 7:30pm cluding the final 19 roster – strong work shots, and Brad Richethic, tough, passionards scored the go-ahead goal at 6:32 of the ate, and hard to play against,” said Stars GM third period to lead the Stars to a 4-2 victory Joe Nieuwendyk, who was Langenbrunner’s over the St. Louis Blues. It was Richards’s teammate in Dallas and New Jersey. “We are team-high 18th goal and his third game-win- thrilled to be able to bring him back to Dalning tally of the season. las.” “It was a real good finish,” Richards The Stars traded Langenbrunner and said. “Huge. You have to take the two points Nieuwendyk to New Jersey in March 2002 when you can get them.” for Jason Arnott, Randy McKay and a draft Mike Ribeiro broke a tie midway pick. through the second period with his second Since owner Tom Hicks is looking for a power-play goal of the game and Dallas beat buyer for the Stars and the NHL is helping the Chicago Blackhawks 4-2. run the financially strapped organization, the Dallas’s Brenden Morrow also had a league had to approve the deal. power-play goal as the Stars went 3-for-3 “Lenders and the league realize our situwith the man advantage. Steve Ott added a ation,” Nieuwendyk said. “They know the short-handed, empty-net goal. situation we’re facing. They’ve given us the “Power plays were the difference to- go-ahead to do what we think is right for the night,” Dallas coach Marc Crawford said. hockey club.” “Our power play was performing almost

Crossword Solution

MAVS News

by Geoff Case “NBA Analyst”

Mavericks at a crossroad It’s a big blow for Dallas and for Butler, Dirk’s Coming Back Dirk Nowitzki’s knee injury went from be- who is eligible for free agency this suming not-so-serious to the most serious of his mer and might have played his final game career, at least in terms of games missed. The in a Mavericks uniform. While Butler was former MVP sat out his seventh consecutive Dallas’s third-leading scorer, averaging 14 game last Saturday night when Orlando vis- points and 4.1 rebounds in almost 30 minited Dallas. The team goes through spells utes per game, he was more consistent than where they struggle to score but honestly it’s Jason Terry who has been known to have off their overall team defense that has taken the nights shooting the ball. biggest hit during Dirk’s absence. While that The Mavs have relied on him to draw might seem strange – Nowitzki isn’t known defenses from leading scorer Dirk Nowitzki for his defense – it does force the Mavericks and will have to fill that void with a group effort. “We’re a team of to play smaller and when good individual players, J.J. Barea is on the court but we’re a team first,” that means that sizecoach Rick Carlisle said. differential is like night “We’ve got to pick up and day. Hopefully, by the slack as a group. The the time this Blitz Weekly challenge for us is to get hits the shelves Nowitbetter defensively, that zki will be playing ball will trigger a lot of good again, but don’t be surthings for us.” prised if the Mavericks If that approach keep him out longer than doesn’t work you can expected to make sure expect the Mavs to start their prized player stays testing the trade waters healthy for the long haul. with Caron Butler’s con “It’s frustrating,” tract (salary cap relief for Nowitzki said. “When any team who acquires it first happened, I never it) and whatever they thought I was going to can spare without totally miss two weeks. I guess killing their depth. I took the whole situa They might be able tion a little too lightly, to fill that scoring void but I don’t have a lot of with Rodrigue Beauexperience with knee bois if he can recreinjuries. That’s a good Upcoming Schedule: ate his rookie season. thing. Hopefully, these 1/12 @ Pacers 6:00pm Beaubois has begun next couple of days it 7:00pm jump-shooting drills will respond good and 1/14 @ Spurs 1/15 @ Grizzlies 7:00pm and looks like he’s I’ll be ready to go.” almost ready to begin 2:30pm Nowitzki had nev- 1/17 @ Pistons practicing again, but er missed more than five games in a row in his career and nev- that’s putting a lot of hope on an unproven er more than six in any of his 12 previous resource. Make no mistake, the Mavericks seasons. He’s played at least 80 games six think they can still win a title without Caron times. Nowitzki was fitted for a knee brace, Butler but whether or not they have to move but he isn’t sure he’ll use it when he comes a few pieces to do it will be the biggest quesback. He hopes to return sometime during tion from here on out. The candidates to fill the role are (but not limited to) Stephen Jackthe upcoming road trip. son, Andre Iguodala, and Carmelo Anthony, but all would call for a different amount of Caron Butler on extended vacation assets to acquire their services. The Mavericks also say they expect the rest If the Mavericks start to struggle once of the roster to make up for the scoring that Nowtizki gets back into the lineup you can forward Caron Butler brought to the table expect the team to start making some calls before his season-ending injury. Butler had to see if they can get a replacement. If anysurgery on January 4th to repair a torn ten- thing, this fills the rest of the regular season don in his right knee, likely sidelining him with some intriguing storylines. for the rest of the season.

NBA: Mavericks vs. Spurs

Fri. January 14 – 7:00PM – AT&T Center – ESPN The Dallas Mavericks are still a MASH Unit. Will the ailing Dirk still be on the sidelines in street clothes? This I-35 match-up is usually pretty good. It’ll be a good measuring stick to see which areas the Mavs will need to improve in. It’s always fun to watch the “Ginobili Flop” and Duncan look shocked when he is called for a foul!

NFL: Ravens vs. Steelers

Sat. January 15 – 3:30PM – Heinz Field – CBS Another classic in the making pits division rivals against each other. The Ravens locked down the Chiefs last week while the Steelers rested and enjoyed the first round bye. Look for the two defenses to try and exert their will and take control of the game. Flacco vs. Big Ben on offense. There will be some serious hitting in this game.

NFL: Packers vs Falcons

Sat. January 15 – 7:00PM – Georgia Dome – FOX A classic rematch from earlier this season. The game was tied at the end of the first and third quarters and was tied in the fourth with nine seconds left when Falcons K Matt Bryant booted the game winner from 47 yards out. The Packers took care of business last week against the Eagles and are rewarded with a return trip to Atlanta. Matty Ice is as cool as they come and will be ready to go. Look for another close game.

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NHL: Kings vs. Stars

Mon. January 17 – 7:30PM – AAC – Versus Since Monday Night Football and the BCS Title game are over, this is the next best thing to watch that has shoulder pads and a helmet on a Monday night. The Stars have actually performed much better than expected this season. Watch “Mr. Everything” Brad Richards continue to lead the Stars into the postseason.

STARS

MAVS

by Jeff Putnam

My Dutch friend Paul van Wegen had been a street musician from the age of 16 and was in his late twenties when I knew him in Nice. Appalled when I heard he’d decided to take a “straight” job in Holland, I was relieved when he returned to Nice and supplied the following account: “I heard about this job through a friend of the family. Actually, that person thought my sister would be right for it. When she wasn’t interested I thought I’d give it a go. “It sounded like something I could do— personnel director for a large Dutch firm. Something like what your man Henry Miller was doing for the ‘Cosmodemonic Telegraph Company.’ The guy at the first interview was respectful. I didn’t expect him to be since I was self-taught and he had degrees by his name. He seemed impressed by stuff I’d learned on my own and by the time I got out of there I really wanted their job. So did more than seventy other applicants, I was told. There were forty people taking the next interview. Then twenty, then ten. “What was crazy: they kept asking the same questions and I kept giving them the same answers. This was like Miss Universe or something. Like they were checking me out to see if my story was consistent—or if I was a fraud who was just playing with them. Maybe I was, because I couldn’t see why they wanted me. The applicants I was up against were all types who’d done everything right with their lives. A different species! “Finally it was just me and one other guy. Then they asked me a question I hadn’t heard before—three men on one side of the table, me on the other. How long would I commit to the job if they offered it to me? How long did I plan on staying with their company? ‘I dunno,’ I said. ‘Two months, maybe?’ “One of the examiners laughed. The other two were furious. They accused me of wasting their time, of playing games with them

Blitz Weekly Editor

for my amusement. No way! By this time I wanted their job more than anything! I kept seeing myself dressed in a suit, having my own office, and I was all right with it. I was ready to change my life. For the first time in like 12 years I’d be doing something that would make my parents happy, and I was already proud of myself. “Before I left the building I asked the guy who had first interviewed me what I’d done wrong. He explained that the average time for a new hire to stay with a Dutch company was eight years. They’d hoped that I planned to stay even longer. The correct answer was: ‘The rest of my working life.’ “It was my turn to laugh. That was an insane thing to expect of someone like me! Two months would have been an eternity showing up every day in the same place, with the same people doing the same work, putting the same questions to the people across the desk from me. I’d been right all along, I told him. There’d been some kind of mistake. I felt kind of sorry for him because I think the mistake was his and I didn’t want him to get in trouble for it. “For a while I felt kind of sorry for all of them. Imagine thinking that a guy who’d lived free all his life and played music to keep going, and would have gone hungry when he couldn’t play music if it hadn’t been for the kindness of friends, would want to be someone like them, just doing the same thing over and over until two and two stopped making four. “Anyway, I don’t feel sorry for them any more. I’ll save my pity for crazy people who know they’re crazy. Those company people have no idea that there could be anything wrong with the way they see things. Word got back to my parents: ‘Your son had a chance to work for one of the most progressive and respected Dutch companies until they found out he was crazy.’”

THAT WAS MY JOB: 1987 Summering

Alaska

n the spring of 1987 I began looking for a summer job. Yakima, Washington, a valley town fed by Cascade waters, had little in the way of employment possibilities. The answer? A four-month contract on a fish-processing boat in the waters off Alaska’s Aleutian Island archipelago. During the interview process, the company did its level best to discourage my sister Emilie and me from making the trip. Two obviously soft suburban kids were not what they needed for the job. We were told that the hours were long – up to 18 hours long. We were told that the conditions were cold and wet and uncomfortable. We were told that the sleeping conditions were six to a room, that the bunks were stacked on top of each other, sometimes three-high. It was during this time that I realized it was not a job. It wasn’t even going to be an adventure. It was some demented test straight from a Nietzschean Hell to see if the entire thing would kill me or—or whatever. Shopping in downtown Seattle for gear was its own kind of adventure. There are a number of stores that outfit just for Alaska work. Rainsuits. Water-proof boots, or Alaskan tennis-shoes, as they were called. Long underwear. Waterproof work gloves. Warm socks. A sea-bag to stuff them in. Once we were signed up and outfitted, we went back home to wait for an opening. Emilie headed out first. I stayed for a week or two to finish up a couple of classes. The contract worked like this: the company would pay for your flight up and back, as well as all room and board while you were there, provided you finished your contract. If you quit or got fired, you had to pay for your airfare up, and however you got back was up to you. It didn’t take a lot of reading between the lines to discern the following rules of thumb: don’t quit and don’t screw up. I remember very little about the flight except that we stopped at Anchorage and then caught a second, smaller plane to Dutch Harbor. I do remember that the June day was bright, the harbor was full of boats, and the landing strip seemed far too short for our DC-10. We met with a fairly attractive woman who took us to a skiff and then on to the MV Speedwell. En route, she warned us that the smell would be extremely strong when we got to the boat. She wasn’t kidding, but oddly the smell was one of the easiest things to get used to after the first day. It was the smell of the world the way cold water and salt air was the feel of the world. It quickly moved into the background and stayed there. The Speedwell was a quandary. She was a converted Japanese cargo ship, just shy of 200 feet in length, black-hulled with cargo riggings and a white deck. She had been refitted with several fish processing accou-

terments. These included an ice-shack, which converted sea-water to ice, and stored it in a rather large container; a slime-shack, which was a wet work-room in which black cod were beheaded (“butchered”) and cleaned (“slimed”) prior to packing; a second-deck packing station, in which the now-clean fish were arranged in pans, then placed into ammonia-based freezers where they were flash-frozen, and a freezer-hold, in which boxes of fish were kept until offloading. The first couple of days were quiet. I caught up on VHS cassette movies. I think it was during this time that I began memorizing the soliloquies from Big Trouble in Little China. There were two general states of being – abject boredom and sheer exhaustion. While room and board were free, given the above-stated provisions, work was paid per hour. If there were no fish, there was no work, and hence no pay. It wasn’t long, however, before a fishing boat (a long-liner) pulled up and began offloading its cargo. I was asked to go offload. Of course, I had no idea what that actually meant. I was sent into the hold of the fishing boat in full wet gear. The water was about waist-high, with ice still floating in it, and full of black cod. A word about black cod. These are not your neighborhood grocery cod. They are an intensely greasy fish with a strong taste. The primary market is Japan, where they are considered downright tasty. My relationship with them was not on the culinary side. My wetsuit held fine, as did my boots. Throwing large fish into a brailer (the bag-shaped net that transferred fish from fishing boat to processor boat) turned out to have benefits. I stayed warm. I got tired at some points, sleepy at others. The hold was mostly dark – with enough light to see the fish and our environment. In my mind, the marine sergeant from the movie Aliens kept yelling at me, “Arrrgh, absolutely badasses!” This mantra kept me moving, sometimes barely. By morning, I had accounted for myself reasonably well. So well, in fact, that I was not returned to the bowels of a long-liner for quite some time. Also, every muscle I had was hurting. Several muscles I never even wanted to know I had, hurt. My hair hurt. My fingernails hurt. The nails themselves. I didn’t dare let on. The other workers were not your normative cubicle neighbors. They ranged from criminals to bikers to little-old-lady Bible-thumpers to punk-

by H. Todd J. Moore

rocker recreational chemical connoisseurs, to large-animal veterinarians, and several variations of humanity I have long since forgotten. I quickly graduated to the august group of individuals known as “slimers.” We stood in a room in which fish, freshly beheaded with their guts streaming out of them, came toward us on a conveyor belt. Our job was this: grab a fish and, using a hooked-spoon contraption that was connected to a water hose, scrape out the intestines, stomach, and other abdominal organs, scrape out the blood-line, and then let the fish drop to the second level. Grab another fish, and do it again. And again. And again. For 18 hours, or until there were no fish, stopping for 15-minute breaks every two or three hours, and meals every six hours. When we broke for sleep, we got six hours total time between the time when we clocked out and clocked back in again. The trick was to get as much sleep as possible during that time. It became an art form. But it wasn’t long before the nightmares set in. They weren’t real nightmares in any conventional sense of the word. I had heard a few guys talk about waking up tired because they had worked all night in their sleep. I had no idea what they were talking about. But eventually, dreams took the general shape of the work environment. And I found myself working all night long. Or at least that’s what it felt like. I woke up tired, wishing I had had some form of actual break. Of course I laughed about it. The remedy turned out to be a little less sleep. I began to take some time to unwind, to watch a little bit of a movie, or read a book, in order to get some other images into my skull prior to slamming into sleep. That helped a little. Sleepwork continued to some extent, but wasn’t so all-powerful and exhausting. Nearly everyone smoked. And in a galley with a short ceiling, packed with people eating, that meant I did too, regardless of the fact that I didn’t actually take up smoking for another five years. The food was prepared by a woman named Candy. She was a short, squat, foul-mouthed biker-woman with the constitution of a mountain and the sensitivity of a wolverine. But she cooked the most amazing meals. Nothing fancy, but omelets on Sundays were cooked to order, and Saturdaynight steak was perfect every damn time. There may be a monastery somewhere in the hills of Alaska where odes to her cooking are being written. And if she thought someone needed something, it appeared. She wouldn’t belabor the point, but when you said “Thank you,” and she followed with, “You’re welcome,” something passed from her that let you know there was something eerily personal, communal, almost sacred, in that sharing. She took care of her family. (“Summering in Alaska” will resume in the January 19 issue of Blitz Weekly)

Cooking At Home

by Henry Jenkins

“Man in the Kitchen”

Stews and Chowders are great comfort food. The aromas fill the house, bringing warm thoughts, and satisfying the biggest hungers. A piping hot bowl of simmered meats, seafood, hearty vegetables and other wonderfully flavored ingredients is perfect for any meal of the day. These recipes are fun to make. Fresh ingredients chopped into bite-sized pieces, added to rich, hearty broths, begin to cook immediately and smell incredible. The recipes presented here are intended to create delicious onepot meals that can be enjoyed at mealtime and again later as leftovers when you have no money. Make large quantities… oh, and you’ll need a good cast-iron or nonstick stockpot for cooking. Sharing with your girl or your buds is totally up to you!

Beef and Beer Stew

Ingredients • 1-1/2 Pounds Cubed Beef Stew Meat • Kosher Salt, to taste • Fresh Ground Black Pepper, to taste • 1/2 Cup All-Purpose Flour • 1 Tablespoon Vegetable Oil • 1 Bottle Beer (12 fluid ounces, good quality) • 1-1/2 Cups Water • 1 Tablespoon Crushed Dried Rosemary • 1 Pinch Dried Dill Weed • 2 Medium Red Onions, chopped • 1 Teaspoon Fresh Garlic, minced • 1 Tablespoon Fresh Parsley

Preparation 1. Season the stew meat with salt and fresh ground pepper. 2. Dredge it in flour to coat. 3. Heat the oil in a large pot over medium-high heat. 4. When the oil is hot, add the stew meat, and cook until it is browned on all sides. 5. Turn as needed. 6. Remove the meat from the pot and set aside. 7. Add the garlic and onion to the pot and until clear and starting to brown, stir frequently. 8. Return the meat to the pot. 9. Pour in beer and water making sure to loosen any bits of food at the bottom of the pan. 10. Season with the dill, parsley and rosemary. 11. Bring the mixture to a boil. 12. Simmer over low heat for 1-1/2 hours.

Cooking Tip! - Parboiling Parboiling means to partially boil and cook the ingredient prior to use in the recipe. Peel and cube the potatoes. Place in a saucepan. Cover potatoes with water and boil approximately 10 minutes. Remove from water immediately.

Shrimp and Corn Chowder

Ingredients • 2 tablespoons Butter • 2 Leeks, sliced into pieces • 1 pound Potatoes, peeled, cubed, parboiled and seasoned with salt and pepper • 1 (8 ounces) bottle Clam Juice • 1 (6 ounces) can chopped Clams • 2 cups Half and Half • 1 cup Corn Kernels • 1 tablespoon Cornstarch • 1/2 cup Milk • 1 pound Medium Shrimp, cut in half • 3 tablespoons chopped Parsley • 1/4 teaspoon Hot Pepper Sauce • 1/4 teaspoon Black Pepper Preparation 1. In small saucepan over low heat, add butter and sauté leeks until soft. 2. Add potatoes, cook additional minute. 3. Open clams. Drain juice into saucepan. Add clam juice. 4. Add half and half and corn. Bring everything to a simmer. 5. In a small bowl whisk cornstarch and milk. 6. As chowder begins to softly boil, stir in milk and cornstarch mixture. 7. Add shrimp and clams. Simmer until shrimp are cooked and chowder thickens. 8. Add parsley, pepper sauce, and pepper.

Aw Shucks

BLITZ-worthy: Catfish and Shrimp Caldo

3601 Greenville – Dallas – 214-821-9449 – awshucksdallas.com Sun-Thur 11-10, Fri-Sat 11-11:45 p.m.

Probably the cheapest seafood in the Metroplex; surely the cheap place is always rife with noise and activity but a stop here is the get ready for a lower Greenville pub crawl or a visit to the Gran The caldo is a meal in itself; the clam chowder is also good a various combos and baskets of fried seafood. Beer by the pitche

Caravelle Chinese & Vietnamese Restaurant

BLITZ-worthy: Crab and Asparagus Soup 400 N. Greenville – Richardson – 972-437-6388 Sun-Thur 11-10, Fri-Sat 11-11

Many of the best restaurants in Richardson’s little Chinatown r discovered. One of the best Chinese restaurants in the Metroplex with its obliging waitstaff and a vast menu with some Vietname The soup above is one of the best to be found anywhere and s beginning of a meal, more than special. BYOB; very good with

Cuquita’s

BLITZ-worthy: Pozole or Menudo (the latter on weekend 8076 Spring Valley – Dallas – 214-575-3188 Open every day from 10-9

The real deal for lovers of Mexican fare and to judge from th gringo faces, it remains to be discovered by many. All the food authentic Monterey-style Mexican with wonderful fresh guacam gorditas of all kinds, a superb chicken with mole sauce and th menudo is great for cold weather with the Mexican beers served

Daddy Jack’s, Sundance Square BLITZ-worthy: Lobster Bisque

353 Throckmorton – Fort Worth – 817-332-2477 – daddyjacks.org Lunch Mon-Sat 11-2, Dinner Sun-Thur 5-10, Fri-Sat 5-11

This is a more upscale experience than the Daddy Jack’s on lowe which has great food and a slightly funky ambience. Here there i tary valet parking on Friday and Saturday night, service is imp despite high tickets for lobster dishes, the lobster bisque is reaso are the steamed clams. Try a dark top-brewed beer with the bisq

remain to be x is Caravelle, ese offerings. shared at the Tsingtao.

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he paucity of d is absolutely mole (always), heir pozole or d here.

er Greenville, is complimenpeccable and onable and so que.

Flying Fish

BLITZ-worthy: New Orleans-style Gumbo 5100 Beltline – Addison 972-851-FISH – flyingfishinthe.net Daily Hours 11am-10pm

Blitz Weekly has already noted the wonderful gumbo here in a recent review, but please note that it can be added to any of the fish entrées for well under two dollars, making it the best soup deal in Dallas—though it’s thick enough to be called a stew. Good with a cold premium lager and try the fish tacos afterward or the special on the chalkboard.

by Henry Jenkins

“Man in the Kitchen”

Stew…a dish best served when it’s freezing cold outside. There are more types of stew than meets the eye. Most folks think of stew as something out of a Campbell’s soup can but as you’ll see here the list of different types of stew is quite long (and there are still others in our survey of Metroplex offerings). The broad ethnicity of this list will help you when playing Scrabble, impressing a date with useless knowledge or satisfying your inner hunger. See! Reading the Blitz Weekly will make you smarter than your friends!

Lefty’s Lobster and Chowderhouse

Bigos - A traditional stew in Polish cuisine

4021 Beltline – Addison – 972-774-9518 – leftyslobster.com Lunch 11-2, Dinner Mon-Thur 5-10, Fri-Sat 5-11, Sun 5-9:30

Cawl - A Welsh stew, usually with lamb and leeks

BLITZ-worthy: Clam Chowder

Lefty is the common American transliteration of Eleftherios—yes, the owners are Greeks from Long Island and they know seafood. The menu is eclectic with a bias toward Italian preparations. Try the very reasonable clam chowder or lobster bisque at $4.95, follow with mussels marinara or steamed clams. The Maredsous Belgian ale available here is perfect for pairing.

Dinuguan - Pork blood stew from the Philippines

Nam Hua Vietnamese Restaurant

Gheimeh - An Iranian stew with cubed lamb and yellow split peas

Jupiter at Beltline NE – Garland – 972-414-8638 10-10 Sun-Tues, Thur-Fri; 10-11 Sat

Hasenpfeffer - A sour marinated rabbit stew from Germany

BLITZ-worthy: Vietnamese Beef Stew (Bo Kho)

Recently reviewed in these pages, Nam Hua has too many thick cold-weather stews and broth soups to list here. Their beef stew, warm and fiery with herbal overtones is a good place to begin. Also of note is the hot pot, a specialty of the house. The waitstaff is helpful and accommodating. BYOB and don’t be afraid of strong ales; this cuisine is easy on the stomach.

Sea Breeze Fish Market & Grill BLITZ-worthy: San Francisco Cioppino

4017 Preston – Plano – 972-473-2722 – seabreezefish.com Mon-Sat 11-9, Sun 11-8

Try the specialty made famous in San Francisco: clams, mussels, shrimp & calamari in Mike’s tomato broth. The price at just over twenty dollars is more than reasonable. You might want to start a meal here with a helping of their awardwinning clam chowder. The fish is always fresh and for sale from the market on site. Best with the spicy cioppino is a very cold pilsner.

Toulouse Café and Bar BLITZ-worthy: Bouillabaisse

3314 Knox – Dallas – (214) 520-8999 – toulousecafeandbar.com Mon-Thur 11-11, Fri 11-Midnight, Sat 9 a.m.-Midnight, Sun 9 a.m.-10 p.m.

This restaurant can be noisy and crowded—because it’s one of the best places to hang out anywhere in the Metroplex. The menu has reasonable offerings, and for just under 25 dollars, the bouillabaisse is reasonably priced. The location on Knox, the brasserie ambience, the food with its Belgian roots make this a great place to splurge. With your spicy bouillabaisse try a Corona.

Trinity Hall Irish Pub BLITZ-worthy: Irish Lamb Stew

5321 E. Mockingbird – Dallas – 214-887-3600 – trinityhall.tv Daily 11-1:30 a.m., kitchen closes at 10:30 p.m. or a little later on Fri-Sat

Located at Mockingbird Station this is one of the best places in the city to take the cold off. The Braised Irish stew with leg of lamb, carrots, potatoes, onions is very reasonable, as is the leg of lamb by itself. The music (live or recorded) is kept soft enough to permit conversation, and there’s lots of it. The pub boasts more than 32 Irish whiskeys, more than 200 beers. Try them all!

Fabada - A Spanish bean and meat stew

Irish Stew - Made with lamb or mutton, potato, onion and parsley Jjigae - A diverse range of Korean stews Karelian Hot Pot - From the region of Karelia in eastern Finland Locro - A South American stew (mainly in the Andes region) Mechado - A Philippine-style beef stew Nihari - A Pakistani beef stew made overnight and served for breakfast Olla Podrida - A Spanish red bean stew Peperonata - An Italian stew made with peppers Ragout - A highly seasoned French stew Semur - A typical Javanese stew with beef or chicken, potatoes, carrots, various spices and kecap manis (sweet soy sauce) from Indonesia Tajine - A Moroccan stew, named after the conical pot in which it is traditionally cooked and/or served Waterzooi - A Belgian stew

Photo Courtesy: Stevage, Martin Bravenboer, Nuyos, Magnus Manske, wtoddk, George Parrilla, Alberto Racatumba

pest beer. The e best way to nada Theater. and there are er, ice cold.

by Jay Betsill - “Man on the Inside”

by Kris Boudreau - “Voice Out West”

Georgia Dome – Saturday, January 15, 7:00 p.m. – FOX

Heinz Field – Saturday, January 15 – 3:30 p.m. – CBS

The Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers threw three touchdown passes, and rookie James Starks ran for 123 yards as the 6th seed Packers beat Michael Vick and the NFC East division champion Philadelphia Eagles 21-16 in an NFC wild-card game this past Sunday. It was a complete turnaround from the Packers 51-45 loss to the Arizona Cardinals last January. “The defense played great. They’ve been carrying us a lot this season,” Rodgers said. “We had three touchdowns tonight; it was enough to win.” Green Bay’s reward in the divisional round of the playoffs is a trip to the Georgia Dome to take on the NFC’s top-seeded Atlanta Falcons (13-3). It will be a rematch of the entertaining 20-17 affair won by the Falcons on November 28, in which Matt Ryan had one of his better games of the season, completing 24 of 28 passes for 197 yards and one TD pass. The ground game was strong with Michael Turner gaining 110 yards on 23 carries and scoring one TD.

Expect this match-up to be quite a game of chess between the Falcons offense and Packers defense. After all, the Falcons offense features five Pro Bowlers – QB Matt Ryan, RB Michael Turner, TE Tony Gonzalez, WR Roddy White and FB Ovie Mughelli. The Packers defense has three members of the Pro Bowl roster in LB Clay Matthews, S Nick Collins and CB Charles Woodson. “One thing about Green Bay and I know about Dom (Capers) is that they are very disciplined,” Falcons offensive coordinator Mike Mularkey said, referring to the Packers defensive coordinator. “They are complicated and very sound.” While a big game from Packers RB James Starks will be vital in keeping Ryan and Co. off the field, Pro Bowl WR Greg Jennings should be a major player as well. In the prior meeting, Jennings had five receptions for 119 yards. Look for the Falcons to fight off an early rush by the Packers and hold on for a close victory.

Arguably the fiercest rivalry in the NFL right now, when the Steelers and Ravens match up you can expect a physical game, with both defenses being as dominant as ever in the past decade. The Ravens advanced in the wild-card round after embarrassing the Chiefs at Arrowhead, holding the number one-ranked rushing offense to seven points and completely neutralizing Kansas City receiver Dwayne Bowe. This Ravens defense looks like the one that carried them to a Super Bowl victory. Ray Lewis and Ed Reed continue to make plays, but it is Pro Bowlers Terrell Suggs and Haloti Ngata who are the real standouts. On the offensive side of the ball, Joe Flacco is only the third quarterback in NFL history, along with Dan Marino and Bernie Kosar, to make the playoffs in each of his first three years. Pittsburgh again had a terrific season, going 12-4; however, three of Pittsburgh’s four losses have come at home in Heinz

Field. They are playing a Ravens team that has had more experience playing on the road in the playoffs than any other team in the last three years. They split their regular season series, with the Steelers losing their Week Four matchup at Heinz Field to Baltimore 17-14 after the Ravens scored on a Flacco to Houshmandzadeh touchdown pass with 36 seconds left. Veteran Charlie Batch got the start because this was the last of four suspensions Ben Roethlisberger had to serve for his off-season issues. Also of note: Troy Polamalu made the biggest play of the year for Pittsburgh in Week 13 at Baltimore when his strip sack of Joe Flacco led to a Big Ben touchdown pass to Isaac Redman with 22 seconds left. That play helped secure another AFC North title and home field for the divisional round. Expect a low-scoring contest, with the winning team making a key defensive play late in the game.

by Frank LaCosta - “Football Fanatic”

by Mark Miller - “The Dallasite from the North”

Soldier Field - Sunday, January 16, Noon – FOX

Gillette Stadium (Foxboro) – Sunday, January 16, 3:30 p.m. – CBS

The Seattle Seahawks take their Super Bowl aspirations to the Windy City this Sunday. The 12th Man helped the Seahawks defeat the defending Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints last Saturday while the Bears enjoyed being off on Wild Card Weekend. This game is a rematch: earlier this season the Seahawks defeated the Bears in Chicago 23-20. The Seahawks are one of the worst teams ever to make the playoffs. They were extremely lucky that QB Matt Hasselbeck was on fire against the Saints. He was 22 of 35 for 272 yards and four TDs. Marshawn Lynch, who hadn’t had a 100yard game, turned in his best performance of the season rushing for 131 yards and a game-sealing historic 67-yard run for a TD. TE John Carlson caught two TDs while WRs Brandon Stokley and Mike Williams hauled in a TD each. The defense maintained their “bend, but don’t break” philosophy by allowing the Saints seven trips to the red zone but the Saints

came away with four TDs and three FGs. The Seahawks will need to be better on defense and Hasselbeck will have to have a repeat performance to beat the Bears again. Throughout the season, the Bears have won several games by a narrow margin. Only against the Panthers, Dolphins, and twice against the Vikings did they win by double digits. QB Jay Cutler is inconsistent as a passer and is prone to make errors as evidenced by his 16 interceptions this season. On the positive side, Cutler completed about 60% of his passes for 3,274 yards and 23 TDs. The ground game belongs to RB Matt Forte. The shifty running back gained over 1,000 yards this season. He has sure hands and is an asset out of the backfield. WR Johnny Knox is Cutler’s favorite target. This season Knox almost broke the 1,000-yard mark while catching 51 passes, five of them for TDs. If the Bears are going to win they have to shut Hasselbeck down—plain and simple.

New England enters this matchup as the hottest team in pro football having won eight straight games, including a 45-3 decision over the Jets on December 6 in Foxboro, Mass. The Jets earned their chance to make the Super Bowl with a last-second 17-16 victory Saturday at Indianapolis. The Patriots’ success starts with MVP Tom Brady. The 11-year quarterback completed nearly 66 percent of his passes, threw for 3,900 yards and 36 touchdowns. Only four of his passes were intercepted. Four of Brady’s receivers had at least five touchdowns and 40 catches. Wes Welker had seven TDs and 86 catches, Deion Branch had five TDs and 48 catches, Aaron Hernandez six TDs and 45 catches and Rob Gronkowski 10 TDs and 42 catches. Of note, third-year running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis led New England rushers with 1,008 yards on 229 carries. The Jets, who beat New England 28-14 at home on Sept. 19, staggered into the playoffs with only two wins in their final

five games. But their defense held Indianapolis to 312 total yards and LaDainian Tomlinson (82) and Shonn Greene (70) led a running attack that kept them in the game. Nick Folk won the contest with a field goal as time expired. L.T. was New York’s top rusher during the regular season with 914 yards with Greene next at 766. QB Mark Sanchez threw for nearly 3,300 yards and 17 touchdowns but also had 13 passes intercepted. The Jets feature four receivers with at least 52 catches led by Dustin Keller with 55 and five scores. Braylon Edwards caught 53 balls and scored seven times. L.T. and Santonio Holmes each had 52 receptions with Holmes scoring six touchdowns. The versatile Brad Smith threw three passes, caught four, ran 38 times and returned two kickoffs for touchdowns. Defensively, the Jets allowed only 1,454 rushing yards and returned three interceptions for TDs during the regular season. The Patriots had four interception scores.

by Bronte Erwin

Most kids fantasize about becoming a policeman. Aside from being Spider-Man, nothing was cooler than being a cop. But when childhood becomes adolescence, we start seeing cops as the a$$holes treading on our right to drive as fast as we want and pee wherever we darn well please. As adults we’re able to cut the cops some slack, having come to realize that they’ve got to make a living somehow. We might even come full circle and again consider making a living that way ourselves. But the reality is, the average a$$holes wouldn’t make it as a cop. And neither did I. Recently I went through the Dallas Police Academy admission process, where the acceptance standards wiped off the tarnish my outdoor peeing had put on the badge. The first test consists of achieving 80% accuracy on a civil service exam, essentially an abridged SAT for 8th-graders. While no Mensa brain teaser, the test significantly thins the ranks, but my grade of 92% qualifies me for the physical training test. The PT test requires each recruit to achieve mandatory minimums in seven exercises. While none are harder than a moderate workout, our remarkably fit proctors tell us that the training and testing at the academy will be far more intense. My 63 pushups in 60 seconds top my group.

The third admission task is passing a polygraph. This consists of filling out a questionnaire relating to prior criminal activity. The person or committee asking the questions seems to have a keen interest in knowing when and where I might have exposed “my genitals or anus” for pleasure. Odd, because I only expose my genitals or anus for pleasure. The drug questioning is extensive, mostly concerning how often and the last time I’ve used drugs ranging from pot to things I’ve never even heard of. Once completed the tester straps me into the polygraph—best described as sitting on a log with a boa constrictor around your chest and a hornet perched on your finger while your mom asks you about masturbating. I failed some questions relating to things I wouldn’t even lie about to a sexy girl in a bar, yet somehow I am able to move on. The final test is the boards, the police equivalent of Star Trek’s Kobayashi Maru: an unwinnable scenario designed to see how you react in extreme conditions. Three po-

twitter@bronteerwin

lice officers—Good Cop, Bad Cop and the Voice of Reason—walk me through various scenarios that arise while patrolling the shady side of Dallas. Sitting on an island of a chair I role-play through three levels of dungeons as Bad Cop (an angry Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) screams how incompetent my decisions are. After failing to make an arrest and getting myself killed twice along with a civilian, the Voice of Reason speaks. Her concerns are my reluctance to meet force with force, and my not grasping how dangerous being a police officer is. She explains that in my time on the force I will face these scenarios: I’ll be yelled at, I’ll likely be assaulted, and there is a very real possibility I’ll be shot at. In the end, the board denied my admission to the police academy, thankfully leaving my childhood fantasies of chasing down the bad guys and quick-drawing my gun to the men and women willing to play T. J. Hooker in real life.

In this column, conditions in the American workplace will be disclosed. Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the employers and employees ridiculed herein, and as with celebrities and politicians, nothing said by or about them should be taken seriously.

Write to the BLITZbudsman at blitzbudsman@blitzweekly.com

TWO

Bible quotes

Can’t you save that for Bible class? Jesus will understand. Still, you might not want to mention your disdain for this common Facebook posting in front of the Principal of a Christian academy, as I did recently at a Christmas party. Talk about awkward.

Travel updates

Everyone you know is well aware of how humans can travel – plane, car, train, boat, covered wagon – so unless you are zip-lining across the Brazilian rainforest or teleporting through space, I don’t give a sh*t how you are getting from New Jersey to South Beach.

Alcoholics

Constantly posting how drunk you want to be or how plastered you got the night before might indicate a drinking problem. Such offenders are begging for a Facebook intervention. One post I found the other day: “Red wine or vodka?” Maybe a better choice would be to spend Christmas with your kids?

The “woe is me” update posted in the third person

Facebook is not a forum for lost souls seeking the wisest counsel. If it is, we are in big trouble. Leave that to a professional or a few friends that will put up with your whining.

six

“Should I get the new Mercedes or the Audi convertible? Any thoughts?” Instead of asking close friends at a dinner party how to spend their millions, via Facebook these offenders can shout to hundreds from atop their villas on the Italian Riviera, “Hey everybody! Look how rich I am and how poor and pathetic you are!”

seven

Posting pictures of their kids being potty-trained

Really? Shouldn’t that be saved for the private photo collection? Or maybe these pictures shouldn’t be taken in the first place, unless you really are dead-set on the certain public humiliation of your children in the near future.

A naked preggers belly as your profile pic

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Speaking hillbilly redneck is one thing, especially since you can blend in with the surroundings. But posting it on Facebook is like a tattoo testifying that you didn’t make it past the 8th grade, or certain proof that you really did finish off that bottle of Southern Comfort. An actual post I found the other day: “I have been on medical leave sence oct. SO I have been severaly BROKE but we have made it through hell so fare. SOS please Help!”

Conspicuous consumption status updates

“But motherhood is such a beautiful thing!” these offenders may argue. Well, if it’s so beautiful why don’t you post your c-section scars and the umbilical cord? Better yet, film the live birth for your profile! No, these pics belong in your private collection—in an envelope.

Random quotes that make no sense

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ONE

Writing very unedumacated posts

For example: “A monkey is a paperweight.” I hope it’s really good weed you’re smoking and not a crack pipe.

The Nike runners app showing how long and fast you just ran

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in its wake. What kind of world is this when we can’t trust the labels on our liquor? On my side of the bar, the best I can do is watch like a hawk to be sure that the person on your side is pouring what I pay for. Now I’m almost too discouraged to drink in public houses. No matter how promising from the outside, how will I be able to enter one henceforth without wondering if I’m about to swallow rotgut—in addition to suffering the humiliation of being swindled? It is probably too much to hope for, but perhaps you could give this Teuton the kiss of death. Any pretext will do if he’s gay, but rooting for the same team or horse might generate enough excitement to celebrate victory that way in a low tavern, especially if the other drunks can’t contain themselves. I realize that a Teuton who can’t be kissed will want to fight, but this is your big chance. Don’t try Tyson-like to take a trophy, but sink your teeth in somewhere and chew for a bit. I was once told, perhaps by the same person who told you about dogs, that the coral snake—lacking fangs like the venomous human—can only instill his lethal secretion by “chewing it in.” Given that your Teuton is many times heavier than a small poodle, I doubt you’ll be able to dispatch him with one brief mastication, but you may be able to make him think twice about the wisdom of replacing someone with your proven ability to keep the peace. On the other hand, why keep working in a place with dogs underfoot? Why not find a new job? The one you’ve got isn’t worth saving.

argue that it breaches our online privacy on many levels, it is a necessary evil. It keeps us connected, in the loop. It allows us the guilty and counterproductive pleasure of snooping on the walls of exes, it allows us to keep an eye on current significant others. It finally gives revolutionaries a 24-hour soapbox to decry injustice. It is a narcissist’s dream come true. Instead of staring at themselves in the mirror, they can constantly post updates about every mundane detail of their lives. Online stalkers, revolutionaries and narcissists—among others—will recognize themselves in the following list of the most irritating Facebook posts:

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Dear Innocent: Your letter has made it around the office leaving a profound depression

Facebook is taking over the world. It’s the new evil empire. Yet, though some may

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Dear BLITZbudsman: So you know what kind of person he is, I caught the German guy who owns the place where I tend bar pouring bottles of cheap liquor into empty bottles of the good stuff. S.o.p. now because bars can’t make it without high-rollers who want to drink from the top shelf. Whiskey, maybe a few drunks could tell the difference, but vodka or gin with a mixer, forget it. The reason my job is on the line: the owner’s dog Kleinchen died when I kissed it. It happened because of an argument between two regulars about dog saliva. An educated customer once told me a dog’s saliva was a “sterile environment” even though they’re always shoving their noses into each other’s a$$holes. So to settle the argument—and because the owner wasn’t there to stop me—I smooched the pooch and damned if he didn’t kick up his legs the next day. Right away everyone who saw the kiss was sure that the dog had died from the micro-organisms in my mouth. Maybe so, but I think it’s sh!tty of the owner to expect me to replace Kleinchen or find another job. I’m supposed to go down to the pound and pick out a poodle just like the one I supposedly killed. He isn’t completely nuts and knows that a purebred isn’t gonna last long at the pound. The poodle can be black or gray or brown as long as it’s the same size as the one I killed. I told the boss, no way can he prove that my mouth killed his dog. I agreed with him that it was a radical way to solve an argument, but he doesn’t have to hang around and listen to this sh!t all hours of the day. Extreme ideas are like the norm in this dump, especially when two drunken a$$holes are arguing and each one is positive he’s right. –Innocent till proven guilty

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Bartender

These status updates make me feel so left out. They need to make a couch potato app that automatically updates how long you were on the couch and what you watched on TV: “On couch 2 hours, 36 minutes, 12 seconds, consumed six beers and ate a bag of Lay’s, watched three reruns of Desperate Housewives of New Jersey and Ultimate Cage Wrestling.” Wow, my remote control fingers are really out of shape!

Story and Photos by Dennis Hambright

www.dennishambright.com

y job is simple. People pay me to handle problems they can’t, or aren’t willing to, handle themselves. They aren’t willing to get their hands dirty, or live with a bad conscience or the consequences of matters that lie beyond what most people consider the civilized boundaries of life. When my phone rings it’s never somebody calling to say “Good news!” It’s tears or tragedy. Analisa Soriano was a beautiful fifteen-year-old girl from a rural village in the Philippines. She lived with her family in a dirt floor bamboo hut, struggling to survive on pure faith and $60 a month her father earned laboring in the rice fields. So when she was approached by a welldressed, soft-spoken middle-aged woman named Eva, who told her she was recruiting girls to work as nannies for wealthy families in Manila, and that the job paid $200 a month, Analisa thought her family’s prayers had been answered. Human trafficking is a multi-billion dollar business worldwide and the Philippines is a major supplier of young girls considered to be disposable. Poor girls were disappearing every day, and Analisa’s life was about to spin into a whirlpool of indentured servitude working in a cybersex operation. The difference between Analisa and thousands of girls swallowed up by the sex monster, was that she had a cousin who had married a wealthy American. After a month held hostage with thirty other girls forced to sell their innocence over the internet for a dollar-a-minute, Analisa risked sending an e-mail to her cousin, and prayed someone would save her. I got the call from a lawyer in Philadelphia who got my name from a friend of a friend for whom I’d worked overseas in the past. The instructions were simple: find Analisa, take her home, and make the man responsible pay for what he’d done to her. Manila is home to over nineteen million people and one of the most congested cities in the world. It’s a sprawling cesspool of unbelievable poverty, choking smog, corruption, and traffic jams. There’s an amalgam of bustling slums where anything from cheap sex to military coups to terrorist bombings can happen at any minute. There are enclaves of ostentatious wealth where the rich fight a vicious battle to keep the gulf between the haves and have nots as insurmountable as possible. Finding her was easier than I thought it would be. I got the web address for the cyber site off the e-mail Analisa sent, but it would be impos-

sible to track the physical address of the operation through the web server. These criminal operations bounced between servers all over the world to maintain anonymity and protect their virtual “cash cows.” I logged on to the cyber site, scrolled through the pictures of dozens of girls displayed on the menu until I saw Analisa, and began my hard target search. I spent several days chatting with the girls, playing the role of a desperate loser traveling to Asia as a sex tourist. I zeroed in on an older, less attractive girl. She quickly agreed to meet me for a “real date,” for a price of course. She made a big deal about how risky it was for her to sneak out of the house, but I knew the vermin that ran the operation would encourage her to solicit outside dates, and didn’t worry about her escaping. This was her last stop in a hard life of depravity, and they knew she didn’t have other options to escape to. We agreed to meet at 11:00 the next night, and she gave me what I wanted most: the address of the house. Things aren’t always like they are on TV and in the movies. Getting caught with a firearm in a foreign country is a guaranteed ticket to jail, so jamming a gun in the guy’s face wasn’t an option. The next morning I went shopping and bought a fourteen-inch length of two-inch pipe and wrapped it with several turns of duct tape for good grip. I smacked it against the palm of my hand. It felt heavy and it hurt. Just what I needed. The rest of the day I did recon at the house. It was a sprawling twostory red brick mansion fronted by a ten-foot cement wall topped with a single strand of rolled razor wire. The security was just for show. The iron gates in front of the driveway were open. There weren’t any guard dogs or security cameras anywhere on the perimeter. I sat in my rental car about half a block down the street. A dark Mercedes sedan was in the driveway. No other cars had come or gone all day. At a little past 9:00, a heavy-set man about six feet tall walked outside and smoked a cigarette. He fussed with a control box mounted on the side of the garage until the sprinkler system kicked on. Just before 11:00, a girl came out with the same man. He was jabbing his finger in her chest and barking orders. She slumped her shoulders in defeat and ambled down toward the curb. My date. At 11:45 the girl gave up and went back inside. It was time for me to go to work. I slid out of the car and walked across the wet grass. I firmly gripped the length of pipe and banged it on the door while I held my left thumb over the peep-hole.

The same angry man swung open the door and yelled, “What the….” and then he saw the pipe and swallowed his words. He squared his feet and stared at me, trying to look tough. “I’m here for Analisa Soriano.” I said it loud enough to be heard deep inside the big house. “Who the hell do you think you’re…” was all he spat out before I slammed the pipe flat across his right collar bone. I couldn’t hear the bone snap above his scream, but I felt it buckle under the weight of the pipe. He dropped to his knees and threw up on the polished hardwood floor. I’d watched him and knew he was righthanded, and now that arm was useless if he wanted to draw a weapon. Girls gathered in the living room to see what the commotion was about. I saw Analisa and said, “Your cousin Jeng sent me,” and she broke from the group and ran toward me. She followed my lead when I grabbed her by the arm and we raced across the front yard. The man on the floor didn’t try to stop us. I looked back as we pulled away, hoping to see girls running from the house. Nobody left. Sometimes fear can be more of a prison than locked doors and steel bars. I’d been paid to get Analisa, and that’s all I was doing. At least for now. Five days after delivering Analisa back to her family, I was on the island of Boracay, sitting at a thatched roof café called Nigi Nigi Noo Noo’s, sipping a cold bottle of San Miguel beer. I watched the TV hanging over the bar, paying particular attention to a news story about an unidentified source that provided information to authorities about an illegal cybersex operation in Manila. Police had raided the operation and a thirty-fouryear-old California man had been arrested, charged with trafficking underage girls, and was facing life in a Philippine prison. The girls rescued at the house had been reunited with their families. The news didn’t report that the unidentified source had also delivered an envelope, stuffed with cash provided by an American businessman, to a high-ranking official in Manila, just to make sure things got handled correctly. The end of the story showed police roughly hustling the suspect into the courthouse. His arm was taped to his side because of a serious injury to his shoulder, and his face was twisted into a mask of absolute terror. I took great personal pleasure in his newfound misery. I tipped my beer to the TV. I could only hope that other traffickers out there might stop to wonder if some unidentified source was on their trail too.

JOKES

HORRORSCOPES

FUNNIES

Q: What’s the difference between dating a redhead and putting your hand in a blender? A: There’s a 50/50 chance the blender isn’t on. Q: What are the three fastest means of communication? A: Internet, telephone, tellawoman. Q: How can you tell that you’re getting old? A: You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

The Cannibal King “You don’t have to tell me the slaves are revolting,” said the Cannibal King, looking up from his dinner to address the outof-breath servant who had just brought him the news. “I’m trying to eat them. Where did we get these slaves anyway?” The servant told him the name of the country. “We must get a new butcher,” said the King. “Bring me Delia Smith.” “We can’t, Your Majesty, she’s still cooking for you.” “Well, bring her to me once she’s crispy enough,” said the King.

ACROSS: 1. Sail supports 6. Glance over 10. Prefix meaning “After” or “Beyond” 14. Apportion 15. Cancel 16. Winged 17. Cunning 18. Morally admirable 19. Glasgow gal 20. Unappeasable 22. Not tricked by 23. Blemish 24. Blush 26. Inevitably 30. Former Hungarian monetary unit 32. Loyal 33. Capture 35. Terrific 39. Blabs 41. A single thing 42. Work out 43. Shooting game 44. Once again 46. Purposes 47. A manual 49. Declare with confidence 51. A thin strip used to

edge hems 54. Back talk 55. Bright thought 56. Go-between 63. Mountain pool 64. Indolent 65. Requiem 66. Fashionable 67. Earl Grey and orange pekoe 68. Ancient Roman magistrate 69. Puncture 70. Concludes 71. Force back DOWN: 1. Wise men 2. Astringent 3. Slide 4. Ring slowly 5. Erotic 6. Sweetener 7. A rounded protuberance 8. Graven image 9. Contemporary 10. Having an unpleasant smell 11. African antelope 12. Flavor

13. Malicious burning to destroy property 21. Group of actors 25. They come from hens 26. Anagram of “Salt” 27. Scallion 28. Corduroy feature 29. Loyalty 30. A velvet-like fabric 31. Sword 34. Street 36. If not 37. Affirm 38. Exam 40. Bowl over 45. Pause 48. Set ablaze 50. Arachnid 51. Toss 52. Potato state 53. Risk 54. Loamy deposit 57. Biblical garden 58. Happy 59. Assistant 60. Journey 61. Look at flirtatiously 62. Whirl

18 by Pat Moran

January is the absolute worst month of the year. Fresh off the celebration of New Year’s Eve, where we each take stock of our lives and decide that although things may not have been great this past year, we resolve to better ourselves. Hope springs anew, only to be thoroughly trounced to death upon waking up on New Year’s Day with a face-exploding hangover to start the year. And then you realize that it’s January and that pretty much nothing good happens this month. There is nothing to look forward to. It’s a frigidly bleak a$$hole of a month. Hell, January in Czech literally means “Ice Month.” I think the Croatians have it right, as their word for the first month of the year translates to “Cutting or Slicing.” How apt. I say this as someone with a January birthday. Having spent my entire life freezing my a$$ off on the day of my birth, I have some experience in hating this month. Not only is it devoid of any real fun, January is home to National Bath Safety Month, Hand-

“Man on his Throne”

writing Awareness Week and National Soup Month. It’s pure, non-stop excitement. It’s simple. January is the Monday of the year. It’s the month that you would rather just sleep through and wake up in February, when it’s at least a few days shorter. But that, of course, is impossible. You are forced to trudge through all thirty-one days, no matter what. Don’t think it’s so bad? Just ask Heath Ledger, Teddy Roosevelt, The Skipper on Gilligan’s Island, Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas, Curly of the Three Stooges, Johnny Carson, Winston Churchill, J.D. Salinger, Audrey Hepburn, Andre the Giant and the Roman Emperor Caligula. They all passed away in the month of January. Bummer, right? But that’s what it is. It’s a month that makes you realize just how mortal you really are. I’m thinking about skipping January altogether. Hey, if the bears get to hibernate, I don’t see why I can’t. Wake me up when summer gets here, will ya?