Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

January 18 – 24, 2012

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

January 18 – 24, 2012

SPORTS NEWS

Oh Ye Of Little Faith

SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Bad Boys Bad Boys 3 Mavericks News 4 Health & Fitness 6 Stars News 7 Ravens / Patriots Preview 8 Giants / 49ers Preview 8 Cover Story Bad Girls Club 10-11 Blitz babe of the week Natasha 12 BLITZ Entertainment Bad Boy Wear 13 Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. 13 BLITZ Food 14 Seven Things in Seven Days 14 Hollywood Shuffle 15 Hollywood Profile 15 Movie Review 15 Auto Review 16 Gadgets 16 Joystick 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 Goodbye Dear Leader 18 2-Minute Drill 18 Truth in Advertising 19

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor C. Patterson Graphic Designer: Damien Mayfield Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor Judy Chamberlain Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Photograhy Oxygen Network Cover Design Damien Mayfield

Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors Staff Writers Hannah Allen, Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, David Goodspeed, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith, Jesse Whitman Contributing Photographers Keith Allison, Tim Arnold, Mike Baird, Damien Ball, David Boyle, Dominic Ceraldi, David Fish, David Goodspeed, David L. Gonzalez, Gary Hayes, Trey Ratcliff, Bentley Smith, Matthew Swenson, italian_freedom_fighter, MojoMujari, petersnoopy Contributing Writers Lauren Aiken, Ashley Anderson, Johnny Blaze, Sonny Capps, Mike Faverman, Andrew J. Hewett, Keysha, Hogan, Pat Mac, Aeryn Ripley, Joe Stumpo, Walter Urban

BLITZ Weekly

P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

By Keysha Hogan @TheKeysha

om Brady may have royally slammed the Broncos this past weekend, but the sports news cycle is still overwhelmingly all news about Tim Tebow. Many are declaring his serendipitous rise to greatness over, but I’m not so sure. Many may see Tebow wearing his faith on his shoulder as an annoying character flaw, but what they fail to realize is that fans have a history of displaying the same unyielding belief. Take me for example, I had my sweet 16 party at the Ballpark in Arlington watching a defeated late 90’s Rangers team limp through the last two innings. Or how about

history by becoming the 23rd player to score 23,000 career points. And later this month the team will be receiving their championship rings in a ceremony before they take on the Timberwolves on January 25th. Also, this past weekend the Rangers held their annual Fan Fest and rallied the troops for the upcoming season opener in April. You just know the Arlington Convention Center was filled with players, fans, and media all looking at each other thinking “This time we’ll do it...” Has my sugary optimism started to make your stomach turn yet? I know it can be hard to be faced with someone like Tebow,

my friend Derek that waits until North Texas weather dips just low enough to wear his Detroit Lions puffy coat for a day. There are a million of us out there that support our teams through heartbreaking losses, and that sounds like an exercise in faith to me. In the decades before Mark Cuban acquired the Dallas Mavericks their winning percentage was only 40 percent. And in the 10 years following, the Mavs were winning 69 percent of their regular season games and were consistently reaching the playoffs. Usually NBA owners are tucked away in skyboxes, far from the fray of spectators and players, but not Cuban. He could always be found amongst the fans, wearing team jerseys, and being fined by league officials for yelling and trash talking. Just look at where that faith has brought them! Dirk Nowitzki just entered into NBA

but I’m guessing that everyone has such a problem with him because he reminds us of the buoyant confident version of ourselves that gets disappointed and heartbroken with every loss. Trust me, I have been genuinely hopeful through the last 16 Cowboys training camps only to end up frustrated with my head in my hands. We’ve all seen Tebow kneeling in the endzone, but I’ve also seen you all sleeping outside of box offices for playoff tickets. Like it or not, he’ll continue to be a presence in the NFL for a while and it’s a good possibility you will still be annoyed. But just remember that the decal on your car, sports shrine in your office, and the obnoxious expert-like trash talk you bring every year is getting on someone’s nerves too. And honestly I wouldn’t expect anything less; you’re a faithful fan.

Photo Courtesy: Matthew Swenson

Dallas Polo Club

L E A R N T O P L AY P O L O NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG

C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1

Andy Borowitz @BorowitzReport

Rick Perry, desperate for votes, running down street shouting, “Where’s all the stupid people at?”

Yay, you’re famous! So your cellmates will know your name!

A Major Jackass The freedom impaired ex-girlfriend of Lindsay’s dad Michael Lohan, Kate Major, found herself once again in handcuffs. She was arrested in Boca Raton, FL for battery and resisting arrest. She’s one tough drunk though; Major took on an officer, EMT, and/or possibly a firefighter. Kate is celebrating her second week out of rehab.

Can’t Catch A Break Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant probably isn’t planning on sitting courtside at any Heat games in Miami after being detained on Sunday night after getting into a little fisticuffs action at LIV nightclub on Miami Beach. Bryant was questioned and released. North Park Mall security was relieved to hear that his pants were not sagging during the incident.

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January 18 – 24, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

MAVS The Mavericks are finding their way

By Geoff Case @geoffcase

Upcoming Schedule: 1/18 @ Clippers 9:30 p.m. 1/19 @ Jazz 9:30 p.m. 1/21 @ Hornets 7:00 p.m. 1/23 Suns 7:30 p.m.

When the Dallas Mavericks decided not to offer Which brings me to my next point; the deTyson Chandler a multiyear contract to the center fense on this team has suddenly got the potenso instrumental in last season’s championship, tial to be somewhere near very good to great. the Mavs’ defense figured to suffer most and it They don’t have the attitude and toughness of did. Tyson wasn’t the only player the Mavs let last year’s championship squad but they have walk out the door but it was felt that his absence got length and every member of the team (sans would be the most crucial to their hopes of de- Odom) appears to be buying into Rick Carlisle’s fending their title. The Mavs started 0-3, allow- defensive philosophy. If the Mavericks can get ing an average of 108 points and opponents to Odom on the same page they have as good a shoot better than 50 percent, it certainly seemed chance as any team in the Western Conference as though critics were right. However, there has at an extended playoff run. Coming to that realization is significant, espebeen a change in cially when you look at how the winds since those many pieces the Mavericks awful and dysfunclost this off-season. tional outings. “The first two games were A New Vince? poor to say the least. I was completely against After that, we were the Vince Carter signing but all embarrassed. We he’s starting to win me over. had to bounce back Vince appears to actually and kind of snap out care about playing defense of it,” coach Rick and sacrificing to help the Carlisle said. “We team win. It was never about were in a two-game talent with Vince, it was whatever you call about desire. I think that’s it, hangover, Christa testament to the coaching mas funk. Reality hit staff and the professional us really quickly. … atmosphere surrounding the It helped us get our franchise but also to Vince mindset in the right as a person. Vince underdirection. We came stood that he wasn’t brought out fighting after here to win games; he was that.” brought to win titles. I can The Mavs are tell you with certainty that starting to get in a that kind of thought process groove finally going permeates around the locker past the .500 mark room now. in the win column Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs with a thrilling victory over the Celtics. The teammates are still Dirk 23K feeling each other out and trying to define their We have to give a shout out to Dirk Nowitzki roles but it’s definitely headed in the right direc- for passing the 23,000 point mark last Friday. tion. Dirk shook off one of his worst shooting He’s the best to ever lace them up for the Mavslumps of his career and Delonte West and Vince ericks and his response when asked about the Carter both have made significant contributions monumental achievement speaks to what a rare in their time on the court. Delonte has been cru- breed of superstar he truly is. “Milestones are cial in keeping the good momentum when Jason going to be great when I look back on my caKidd was out of the lineup with a bad back. In reer in 10 or 15 years,” Nowtitzki said. “But as fact, the new guys who historically have hesi- of right now, I’m trying to help this team, and tated to pass the ball are slinging around the franchise, win as many games as I can. We’ve rock quicker than the ‘11 title squad. The ball been playing better. That’s all I’m worried about movement has been fantastic and it seems like right now.” That ladies and gentlemen is why the Mavs are getting open shots a majority of the Mavericks are perennial contenders. The possessions. The Mavericks are spreading the hunger for victory and the never-ending supball around so much sometimes they even over- port of his teammates are starting to define his pass. Seeing such pure team passing in today’s legacy as a player. NBA is something that is becoming relatively rare to see, enjoy it Mavs fans. Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

January 18 – 24, 2012

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January 18 – 24, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

Over 40 – Jump Start to General Fitness & Good Health I have been Powerlifting for 15 years and a member of the National Masters Powerlifting Team for 3 out of the last 6 years. I finished 6th at the World Championships in the Czech Republic in 2010 and placed in the top 10 in 2005 and again in 2009. On Thursday September 15, 2011 I successfully attempted to break the Guinness World Record for the most amount of weight lifted squatting in one hour, which was 125,065 lbs set in 2009 by 32 year old “Six Pack” Ryan Lapadat. I guess I should mention I am 21 years older than Ryan “Six Pack” Lapadat the former record holder.....I was 53 in January 2011. My record target weight was 126,000 lbs, which was to be accomplished by completing 700 to 1000 squats at various weights in one hour or 11 or 17 squats per minute for 60 minutes. On September 15, 2011 on Live With Regis and Kelly I officially broke the record exceed my target weight lifting 127,245 lbs over 904 squats in one hour on live national TV. My effort to break the current world record was to bring attention to the fact the adults can continue to remain healthy and get stronger longer than even before, and well into their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. But to be honest, it was not always that way. After spending a weekend traveling, I once again realized how difficult it is to find time and maintain motivation to exercise. I further realized that while many people find it hard to exercise when traveling, the majority of us don’t exercise at all. As you start out on your new adventure here are a few suggestions: 1. Visit your doctor for a check up or physical to ensure there are no health risks. 2. Find something you like – make it your passion. Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

By Walter Urban www.walterurban.com 3. Ask professionals for help – avoid friends or relatives unless they are professionals. 4. Start small and work up. 5. Try to make it fun. 6. Walk, run, bike, swim, enroll in fitness classes, lift weights, do something and anything...

7. Do not be intimidated by others – we all started in the same place. Remember it’s exercise, you decide when, where, how long and what and to coin the phrase, “JUST DO IT!” Get up, get started and don’t give up!

Walter Urban is an American born Powerlifter and Guinness World Record holder and challenger living in Canada. Walter competed in the Powerlifting World Championships in 2005, 2009 and 2010 placing 6th representing Canada in the Czech Republic. Walter holds and MBA from Bowling Green University and a BS in Economics from Albright College. Walter is a license private pilot, licensed skydiver, a former pro ski racer, hang glider pilot, runner and Formula Ford race car driver and a former member of the 1982 United States Parachute Para-Ski Team. Walter is the President andowner of Urban Dynamics Inc a consulting company www.urbandynamics. net. Walter and his family reside in Guelph Ontario. For more information on Walter visit www. walterurban.com

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

January 18 – 24, 2012

STARS Stars receive MidTerm Grades

The Dallas Stars recently hit the midpoint of the 2011-2012 season. The Stars started the season with an impressive 11-3-0 record and have been surviving on that run ever since. Since that hot start they have gone 13-15-1 and are currently in 10th place in the Western Conference and on the verge of missing the playoffs for yet another year. This team is good when the score is close at the end of the game, as evidenced by a recent 5-4 shootout win at L.A. The Stars have lost just one game in overtime, but have only gone to overtime a handful of times this season. When this team loses, it usually loses big – so the Stars need to figure out a way to make more games closer at the end. They can start by being better in the second period, where they are being badly outscored. That means making in-game adjustments and taking advantage of their scoring chances. The coaches must find a way to make better adjustments during the game but also must realize the importance of match-ups and while rolling three lines consistently may be desirable at times, you must adjust to what the other coach is throwing at you. And the Stars desperately need to figure out their power play. They have converted only 13.9 percent of their power plays and have been outscored 32-20 by the opposition. That puts them literally at the bottom of the league statistically. Overall team midterm grade: CThis team still has the potential to make the postseason but adjustments must be made. They will continue to struggle if not fully healthy, but when healthy has the ability to give any team in the NHL a run for their money. Some midseason awards: Best Player - While Kari Lehtonen put this team on his back to start the season; it’s been Jamie Benn that has made the most difference this year. When Benn is

Upcoming Schedule: 1/20 Lightning 7:30 p.m. 1/21 @ Wild 8:00 p.m. 1/24 Ducks 7:30 p.m.

By Tony Barone tbarone@blitzweekly.com

playing his best and scoring, the Stars are always a threat. Benn is on pace for over 80 points this season and headed to his first All-Star game. He is enjoying a breakout season for a team that desperately needs a superstar.

Photo Courtesy: Dominic Ceraldi

Biggest Surprise - Eric Nystrom was supposed to be a forward that helped the Stars get back over the cap floor. Instead, he’s become a fan favorite who helped the Stars weather some early-season struggles. With 13 goals thus far this season, Nystrom has already surpassed his career-best season. Best Off-Season Acquisition - Michael Ryder has always been known for his goal-scoring ways, but after two disappointing seasons in Boston, he was looking for a fresh start. Ryder leads the Dallas Stars with 17 goals in the first half of the season and is on pace for his first 60+ point season since his rookie season in Montreal. Ryder has showcased a devastatingly accurate shot and he’s enjoying the best shot percentage of his career, hopefully not a sign that he’ll slow the second half. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

January 18 – 24, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

Defense Wins Championships! AFC Match Up: Ravens vs. Patriots the focus of wins, well who gets the attention? Let’s go to the other side of the top rated, the Patriots hold the #2 passing attack in the NFL, and just the inverse of the prior, their defense is just half-ass. The defense does just enough to get it done, and keeps enough points off the board so the offense can clean up and get the victory. I’ll say this; not many look as good as QB Tom Brady in the offensive sets, calling the plays, audibles, and definitely passing.

Photo Courtesy: italian_freedom_fighter

crop. Before we get into this AFC Championship game, the other side of the NFL (the NFC) endured some big upsets; this may be another year where the Super Bowl victor comes from the old school squad AFC. All that being said, let’s take a look at the AFC Title game between the Patriots of New England, and the Ravens of Baltimore. The only thing better Baltimore possesses than its defense is its crab cakes and soft shell crabs. #1 and #2 in the country for the food, the defense boasts a #2 ranking against the pass and is #4 against the rush. You can never be the best at everything. The Ravens offense is just sub-par; they always seem to be able to do what they need to do to win. QB Flacco, even when he is on fire, just gets enough to get the win and move on. Flacco even got caught saying “he doesn’t get any attention when they win”. NFL QBs always get attention, but in a way he was serious, he knows the defense they possess holds the keys to victory. LB Ray Lewis has been here before; he knows these ropes and has climbed them. This guy is a nightmare for opposing QBs, he may also be the reason Flacco, jokingly says he won’t get any attention, QB Flacco and LB Lewis are the leaders on this team, and when your defense is

Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison

You give him the controls and you’ll get digits on the board. Bill Belichick’s biggest concern has to be getting some defensive awareness in this title game. You think I’m kidding… If your daughter is the hottest one in high school, you’re not worried about the number of dates she gets; you’re worried about stopping the boys from scoring. Listen I’m not taking away from the outstanding performance that New England has put up these last few years, they have a future Hall of Fame QB in Brady, and can almost score at will, but as with all high profile downfalls, it comes from within, and that’s the defense, or the lack thereof. New England will host this game and is favored by seven, the Patriots will have a shot at winning the AFC title and mostly like the Super Bowl if they can get their defense in gear and produce even just a few stops of the lack-luster, no-attention getting Flacco and the Ravens. If the Ravens and Flacco can do “just enough to get by” they will squeak their way out of and into another game that their critics say, “they barely deserve”. This will be a brawl; I’ll stand on my aforementioned statement that “defenses win championships” and look for a close game and possibly a trip to Indianapolis with the Ravens.

Ravens vs. Patriots / Sun. Jan. 22 - 2:00 p.m. / CBS / Gillete Stadium

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By Tommy Smith tsmith@blitzweekly.com

Let me tell you this…defense wins championships! Look, I like watching the passing attacks, West Coast Offenses and high flying, showboating players as much as anyone, but when you get down to the nut cut, defense is what gets you victories in the playoffs. What a weekend we enjoyed last week as the NFL’s season heads to a close, especially if you’re an underdog player. All the riff-raff is now weeded out and what’s left is the cream of the

By Sonny Capps hhhup88@gmail.com

And Then There Were Two NFC Match Up: GIANTS vs. 49ers The NFL playoffs have been outstanding so far and Championship Sunday should not be anything less than riveting. There has been recordbreaking offense and blistering, ball hawking defense. There have been close games and some blowouts along with tremendous stories of personal redemption and achievement. The reason we love the NFL is that on any given Sunday anything can happen. It is such an emotional ride! Whether you still have a dog in the hunt,

Photo Courtesy: MojoMujari

or are just another diehard pigskin fan, there is every reason to watch Sunday. The NFC takes to primetime on Sunday with the fourth-seeded New York Giants traveling way out west to take on the second seeded San Francisco 49ers at Candlestick Park. These two teams have taken different paths to the Championship Game but it’s safe to say they are both playing their best football when they need to most, right now. It has been a season of ups and downs for the Giants, who began the season 6-2 before losing five of their next six games. The midseason funk left the G-Men in a must win position the last two weeks of the season to earn their NFC East division crown, and their first trip to the postseason since the ‘07 season. That was the year the Giants beat the undefeated Patriots in the Super Bowl preventing the Pats from completing a perfect 19-0 season. The big key for the Giants turnaround has been on the defensive side of the ball, where they have gotten healthy, and are playing at a championship level. The Giants have only given up more than 14 points once in their current four-game win streak. That came Sunday against, “All World,” Aaron Rodgers and the Packers who scored 20 points on the Giants defense in New York’s 37-20 victory.

The Giants defense disrupted Rodgers and the Packers offense all night forcing three fumbles and an interception in the game. Rodgers completed only 50 percent of his pass attempts and at times was more effective running the ball out of the pocket than making plays with his arm. The Giants defense will be facing 49ers’ quarterback Alex Smith in the championship game, who has a long way to go to be mentioned in the same breath with Rodgers.

Photo Courtesy: DavidLGonzalez

If the Giants were inconsistent this season the San Francisco 49ers were quite the opposite going 13-3 winning a poor NFC West Division. Alex Smith’s long awaited and often doubted maturity into an NFL caliber quarterback can and should be credited to working under first year head coach Jim Harbaugh. The former Stanford Cardinal head man came to the Niners NFL ready with his experience as a player and a coach. Harbaugh has brought a new attitude to the Bay that has converted Smith and tight end Vernon Davis from good football players into championship contenders in just one season. The 49ers play big boy smash mouth football under Harbaugh and their second ranked scoring defense will be ready for Eli Manning and the Giants. This should be a classic “gut check” game. This will be a defensive struggle with the winner likely being the team that makes the least mistakes and not necessarily the team that makes a few big plays. The Packers and the Saints can attest to that. Those big play offenses were shut down by these two defenses in the divisional round. The 49ers beat the Giants 27-20 back in Week Ten of the season, but this is a different Giants team. This will be one to definitely have your popcorn ready for!

Giants vs. 49ers / Sun. Jan. 22 - 5:30 p.m. / FOX / Candlestick Park

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

January 18 – 24, 2012

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January 18 – 24, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

Three things that a Bad Girl must always have? Liquor, lipgloss, and extra underwear. Hometown: Miami, FL Most stylish girl in the house? Me…of course. Sexiest gift that you ever received? Cold hard cash. Celebrity that had you star struck? Pharrell, I always wanted to meet him and when I did I was at a loss for words.

Hometown: Methuen, MA You wanted to write children’s books when you were younger. What was your favorite children’s book? If You Gave A Mouse A Cookie. Last time you threw a punch? The Bad Girls Club with about a week left in the house. Coke or Pepsi? Coke Favorite thing in your closet? Jordan sandals Most embarrassing song on your iPod? George Michael – “Careless Whisper” 100 years of being the sexiest woman on Earth or getting to live for a thousand years but you’re just average? 100 years

Hometown: Methuen, MA What’s the advantage of having a twin in the house with you? I have an automatic best friend. If sh*t hits the fan, she’s there to clean it up. As a former Editorin-Chief I’m sure that you read a lot, what’s your favorite book? Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. Hidden Talent? Being Myself. How would you describe your dancing style? White girl trying to be black, so embarrassing. Wardrobe essential? Anything swagged out. Forever 21, H&M, anything with the trends. Favorite iPhone app? Instagram

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Song that you sing out loud when no one else is home? Frank Ocean – “Thinking about you” Fakest thing about reality TV? The people. You never know who’s putting on an act or who’s for real. One thing that after watching the show that the whole world will know about you? I’m a big crybaby.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

January 18 – 24, 2012

Hometown: Houston, TX What makes a Bad Girl? Someone who doesn’t care! Someone who is self-sufficient and always ready for anything… basically me. Song that you sing in the shower? Anything Beyonce or Lil Wayne Three things that a successful gold-digger should know? Know your target. Know the name of his watch. Know what type of shoes he’s wearing. One thing that you wear that always makes you feel sexy? Lipgloss or Lipstick. Who would be sitting across from you on your dream date? Chris Brown or Lil Wayne. Your first car? An ‘07 Hyundai Sonata and I drove it like it was a Range Rover. What’s on your DVR right now? Bad Girls Club, Real House Wives of Atlanta, The Braxton Family Values, and X-Factor. I love reality TV. Most expensive thing that a guy has ever given you? Tiffany jewelry.

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January 18 – 24, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

Blitz babe of the week

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

January 18 – 24, 2012

Did a Current NASCAR Great Really Put Out the Best Album of 2011?

By Lauren Aiken www.LaurenAiken.com

Our society has a thing for bad boys. Genghis Khan, Teddy Roosevelt, Humphrey Bogart, James Dean, Clint Eastwood, John Travolta, Jack Nicholson, Marlon Brando, Al Pacino, Ozzy Osbourne, Eminem, P Diddy (Bad Boy Records), Nicholas Cage, Colin Farrell, Gene Hackman, Bret Michaels, Robert Downey Jr., Russell Brand, and let’s not forget Charlie Sheen. We probably couldn’t even count all of our “bad boy” songs on two hands. According to one AskMen.com article, bad boys can catch the eye of a woman by not doing every little thing she expects, therefore piquing her interest. But being a bad boy isn’t just about playing the part. You have to dress the part, too. Here is some bad boy gear to get you started. Now all you need is a barbed wire tattoo. #Winning! A. Who’s the Boss? Every bad boy needs some leather duds, and a leather jacket sends a message that you’re rugged and you keep it classic. The BOSS Orange “Jendrik” exudes effortless cool with a tab collar, snap epaulets, a zip pocket at the chest and grommet detail at the waist. The material is a lamb leather/ wool/polyester mix (that means dry clean only boys). $595 www.Bloomingdales.com B. Safety Switch Bad boys like danger, and straight razors can be pretty scary if you don’t know what you’re doing. The traditional safety razor from MÜHLE is designed with high-quality chrome plating and an extremely fine engraved finish, and it comes in two versions (closed and open comb) to suit your beard growth and skin type. Instructions and one blade included. $61 www.Muehle-Shaving.com C. Keep it Brief You can’t feel like a tough guy wearing Fruit of the Loom undies mom bought you for Christmas. Try a pair from ExOfficio, the coveted brand that boasts “17 countries, 6 weeks and one pair of underwear.” Made to fight odor, dry quickly and keep you comfortable all day, the Give-N-Go® lightweight mesh briefs come in five colors. $25 www.ExOfficio.com

D. Straight Up There’s a reason 505® Original Straight LEVI’s have defined the American man since their invention. This classic denim line is loved for its comfortable style, which fits straight through the seat, thigh and leg, as well as its straight-cut waistband that sits evenly front and back. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Get yourself a pair or two. From $40 www.US.LEVI.com

E. Leather & Lace Chukkas, bucks, desert boots, whatever you want to call them, these lace-up ankle kicks can take you from the office to happy hour and back again, while providing lasting comfort and endless compliments. Made by Thorogood for Steven Alan, these feature a around toe, leather lining, padded insoles, speed laces and black Vibram soles. $198 www.StevenAlan.com F. Pomp it Up That mop isn’t going to style itself. Get the perfect pompadour (or other style of your choice) using Aveda Men Pure-Formance™. This pomade makes short to medium length styles extremely manageable with its built-in style control agent that provides lasting hold and shine, without the greasy look. It also has a rich, spicy aroma with kunzea, citrus and certified organic essential oils to refresh your scalp. $22 for 2.6 oz. jar. www.Aveda.com

By Johnny Blaze @johnnyblaze360

The answer is an obvious hell no. However, a new band hailing from Detroit, Michigan just may have done so. Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. made a big splash with “It’s a Corporate World” and this guy has got to proclaim that it’s absolutely fantastic from start to finish. Now, I must admit that this here supposed music aficionado did not listen to a ton of new music in 2011. Consumed with talk radio by day and live performances by night there simply didn’t seem to be enough time in the schedule to check out all of the hidden gems put out in the calendar year. But, I’d be willing to go all in that there can’t be much out there that tops these twelve tracks laid down by Joshua Epstein and Daniel Zott. As for a little back story on the duo, they actually contacted the real Dale Earnhardt Jr. in advance to forming their shtick to make sure he was down with them using his name. It turns out the driver was cool with it all and is said to even enjoy their music. Who wouldn’t? Then from there they evidently put the pedal to the metal and went full steam ahead creating their debut EP appropriately titled Horse Power. The aforementioned full length follow-up is a thing of beauty starting right out of the gate with the track “Morning Thought”. The band describes their music as electronic-pop but it really feels so much more than that. At initial listen you may get a bit of a Flaming Lips sort of vibe and if that doesn’t suit your ears well then you should probably just wave the white flag from the start. Having watched a couple of their live performances on the net, it’s apparent that these guys can make some serious music but also have a helluva sense of humor as they often play in full-on, flame retardant NASCAR suits, which surely must be hot as hell given some of the smaller club venues they blazed through this past year. The second song entitled “Nothing But Our Love” starts off with a very peaceful guitar rift and then kicks in with a slow-jam type of drum pattern and their soothing vocals with lyrics that are astonishingly dark and heartbreaking. This is followed by “Skeletons” and “An Ugly Person On A Movie Screen” and from there the rest is oh so fluid. The highlight has to be “Simple Girl” with it’s heavenly whistling, xylophone, acoustic guitar, and gorgeously harmonious vocals. The video for this one is also a must see and highly clever. This whole album really gives you that sense of wanting to be outside, relaxing by a pool somewhere, cocktail in hand, and not having a care in the world. If there was only one complaint I have it’s that it clocks in at just 37 minutes long. But as they say, all good things must come to an end. Fortunately there’s that thing called the repeat button where you can press it and instantly feel nothing but their love all over again. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

January 18 – 24, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

BLITZFOOD Super Bowl Sunday Fare – Chop Block Sliders

By Mac and The Big Cheese comments@blitzweekly.com Super Bowl Sunday is coming up next month. It’s a great day to entertain your friends and enjoy camaraderie while gathered together for the love of the sport. This Super Bowl Sunday try serving something a little different to your cheese head banging and terrible towel waving guests. Instead of the usual homemade chili, queso dip and a potentially disastrous attempt to create a football helmet-shaped cake, opt for our Chop Block Sliders. These thinly sliced pork chops sandwiches stack easily and are a nice presentation that’s bound to please those football fans that drop by to watch the game – and the commercials and the halftime show-with you. And while this delicious roll may not the healthiest, keep in mind that this is a Super Bowl party and not a Dr. Oz marathon get together. Chop Block Sliders 6 thinly sliced boneless pork chops 2 cups Italian dressing 2 cups Italian bread crumbs 2 tablespoons flour 1 cup shredded Parmesan cheese ¼ cup vegetable oil 1 cup mozzarella shredded cheese 20 small potato rolls or dinner rolls Flatten the pork chops: Place pork chops on a piece of plastic wrap and cover the top of it allowing room for the meat to spread out. Using a meat tenderizer tool or the bottom of a heavy pan beat the pork chop out flat until thin. Cut into smaller pieces to make it easier to cook.

Place flattened pork in a re-sealable bag, and add two cups of Italian dressing to coat the pork. Refrigerate for 2-6 hours.

Mac and The Big Cheese

Serve on your favorite baguettes or rolls.

Mix the breading: Lay Parmesan cheese on a cutting board and finely chop with a sharp knife. Mix with Italian breadcrumbs and flour in a bowl. Pre-heat oil in a large sauté pan to a medium high heat. Take one piece of pork at a time and drag through the bread mix, coating both sides of the pork. Cook in hot oil for 3 -4 minutes on each side and set on a baking pan or cookie sheet when done. Lightly sprinkle cooked pork with mozzarella cheese and place under the broiler until cheese is golden brown. Layer 2-3 pieces of pork per sandwich.

Serving suggestions: You can premake these before the game and arrange them on a large tray. Top your sliders with any or all of the following condiments, or eat them as is: Spicy Mustard BBQ Marinara Ranch dressing Pickled relish Coleslaw Mayo Mac and The Big Cheese are comedians, outdoor cooks and cookbook authors. Their critically acclaimed national touring show and DVD’s have had audiences all over America howling with glee. Find them online at www.ultimatecampcooking.com

Photos Courtesy: Tim Arnold, Darryl Briggs, David Boyle, Gary Hayes, Mike Baird, Damien Ball, Bentley Smith

WED. 1/18

“Blink” at Hotle ZaZa Hotel ZaZa – Dallas Stay Art House and Social Gallery in collaboration with Turner Carroll Gallery will open up their latest exhibition to the public with a reception and fun. 6pm.

thurs. 1/19

Evening Land Vineyards Wine Dinner Bailey’s Prime Plus – Dallas Chef Grant Morgan will prepare four sumptuous courses for you that will be paired with the best wines from Evening Land Vineyards. These are the times when you think, “ain’t life grand.” 7pm.

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Fri. 1/20

Elvis Lives Verizon Theatre – Grand Prairie The best Elvis tribute artists in the country are coming to Grand Prairie to bring you a hunk, a hunk of burning love...for some that was a terrifying image, others are still recovering. 8pm.

Sat. 1/21

Pink Floyd Laser Spectacular Palladium Ballrooom – Dallas There’s just nothing like an acid trip accompanied by lasers! Experience “a classic in multimedia entertainment (and you don’t even have to be high on acid wink wink).” 8pm.

Sun. 1/22

Horne & Dekker’s Sunday Hangover Brunch Horne & Dekker – Dallas Stagger in and strut out after sampling the “Walk of Shame,” a drink that contains everything but the Queen of England’s underwear - Ok, it has those in it too. 11am.

mon. 1/23

Suns vs. Mavs American Airlines Center – Dallas See Charles Barkley, Danny Ainge, Cedric Ceballos, and Kevin Johnson take on Tim Legler, Jim Jackson, Derek Harper, and Donald Hodge…wait this isn’t 1993? So what do I do with my Mavs fanny pack? 7:30pm.

tues. 1/24

Weekday Social Hour at Steel Steel – Dallas Sushi, women, and liquor… count us in. There will be wines of the week, interesting conversation and a chance to talk to Amber from accounting without getting the always awkward sexual harassment charge. 5:30pm.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

HollywoodProfile with Mark Wahlberg

By Aeryn Ripley comments@blitzweekly.com

Hulk Hogan – After decades of staying in one particular decade, the ‘70s, the Hulkster is moving on…from his signature mustache. That’s right no more stache for Double H. When the Pope was asked about Hulk losing his luscious lip follicles he answered, “now the world truly is f#%ked!” Katy Perry – The “Fireworks” songstress uber-Christian parents have their eyes on hooking up Katy with Jesus’ QB of choice Tim Tebow. Now that her marriage to heathen Russell Brand is over Katy’s parents would like the virgin QB to become their new son-in-law. Message to Tim, trust me those knees are for more than just praying. Heather Locklear – The agedefying beauty was hospitalized recently after consuming a dangerous mix of prescription drugs and alcohol. Locklear’s sister phoned 9-1-1 and an ambulance was sent. She’s now fine to drink and party again.

Mark Wahlberg leads the cast of Contraband, an action-thriller about a man trying to stay out of a world he worked hard to leave behind and the family he’ll do anything to protect. Set in New Orleans, the film explores the cutthroat underground world of international smuggling - full of desperate criminals and corrupt officials, high-stakes and big payoffs - where loyalty rarely exists and death is one wrong turn away. I sat down with Wahlberg to discuss the film and shooting in New Orleans. Tell us about your character Chris Farraday? In the very beginning of the film, I am happy at home starting up my new business setting up alarm systems and spending time with my wife and my two boys. My good friend Danny, played by Lukas Haas, is getting married, and my wife and I are very much in love. But his life doesn’t stay so simple, right? Unfortunately, my wife’s younger brother

Who’s up for a good old fashioned exorcism? Glazed over eyes, extreme body contortions, cement wall head-slamming and satanic findings…any takers? Darn. Well, should any of you wussies wish to grow a pair I would recommend the story of Isabella Rossi and her completely creeped out mother Maria, who coincidently is possessed. Isabella played by Fernanda Andrade spends her evenings reading books, enjoying long walks on the beach and searching for unsanctioned exorcist to free ol’ Mommy Dearest from evil incarnate. Maria (Suzan Crowley) has been conveniently tucked away in a “Catholic” psychiatric ward in Rome after killing three people during an attempted

Andy, played by Caleb Landry Jones, makes a horrible mistake of getting talked into the smuggling world by these very unsavory characters, and his boat gets boarded by customs, and he has to dump what he’s smuggling. These guys are coming after him for the money, and if he can’t pay they’re going to kill him and then come after his family; so, basically I try and approach them and say “look cut him a break we’ll figure out a way to pay you back,” and they’re not having it; so, I’m forced to go out on one last run, and Sebastian who is played by Ben Foster helps me to get the buy money and puts me on a boat, and we’re off to Panama. And your wife and kids are left in a dangerous situation when you leave. I go to this guy’s house played by Giovanni Ribisi, and I don’t go to his house to confront him, I go there to tell him look, I’m gonna have your money, and he starts pointing a gun at me and saying things he shouldn’t say to

exorcism. The movie takes you on Isabella’s journey to make a documentary on her mother and demons. The banshee-like scream at the end of the initial family reunion will haunt your subconscious from now to let’s say forever. After seeing her mother in full-blown Satan mode Isabella is completely convinced that her mom is indeed possessed. So possessed in fact that she needs two priests to ghostbuster Maria, only problem is they don’t have the official go ahead from the church. In essence it’s a black market exorcism. After the attempted exorcism is botched, one of the priests must have gotten some of the devil juice on himself because during a baptism he

me and saying things that I’m uncomfortable with him saying to me; so, I wind up kicking the crap out of him in front of his daughter. You know, he wants to do me the favor[in retaliation] and show up at my house when I’m not there and scare my wife and kids, and then my friend Sebastian who is supposed to be watching my wife and kids is having to deal with this and these guys while I’m out on the boat. Now this movie is a remake, and Baltasar Kormakur directs it, the same guy who starred in the original version of the film. What was it like working with someone so closely associated to the movie? There are no bells and whistles you know. I don’t think he’s ever made a movie that had even one tenth of the budget we have, but you know he still has the same approach. He’s not off in a trailer, he’s on the set the By Aeryn Ripley comments@blitzweekly.com

whole time jumping, running and showing me how to climb up things. I really like his style. He’s covering all the bases and really smart about all the performances. He obviously starred in and produced the original; so, he knows the story inside out. Speaking of climbing up things. This had a lot of action in it. Do you enjoy that part of making a film like this? The action is fantastic and again its grounded in reality. I mean there are some big action sequences, but they’re grounded and real. You can check out Mark Wahlberg in Contraband at local theaters. The film is rated R for violence, pervasive language and brief drug use.

moviereview of The Devil Inside

By Vivian Fullerlove vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com

January 18 – 24, 2012

attempted to drown a baby. Maria and the rest of the group now realize that they are dealing with a crafty little body-jumping demon. Spoiler alert: Now no one is safe from possession, which means no one can be trusted. Just when things get creepy to the point of no return this cliffhanger let’s you go…no seriously. The lights come on and you are forced to exit the theater and go home wondering. Ok, don’t expect this to be an Oscar winning acting performance. If you expect a nightmarish movie that makes you afraid of anyone who mumbles to himself then you shouldn’t be disappointed.

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January 18 – 24, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19 Photos Courtesy: David Goodspeed

Auto Review: NAIAS

Cars of the Future and Hey There’s Jon Lovitz!

By David Goodspeed comments@blitzweekly.com As the North American International Auto Show (NAIAS) in Detroit gets into the full swing of things I am still recuperating from the whirlwind adventure known as media days. NAIAS played host to more than 5,000 media representatives from all over the globe during the first two days of the annual event in Motown. Some 35 press conferences and many unofficial or private events highlighted the 48-hour blitz on D-Town. “The buzz is back,” proclaimed Bill Perkins, chairman, NAIAS 2012. “Press Preview exceeded our expectations with more than 93 percent of the new vehicles introduced being worldwide unveilings.” Many of the vehicles making

their debuts in Detroit had already been announced by the individual automakers but some were pleasant added surprises specifically for this historic show. Most of the press conferences were fairly straightforward with a few turning into full “Hollywoodstyle” productions. First up on Day One was the announcement of North American Car and Truck of the Year (NACTOY) handed out by a jury of media members. The Hyundai Elantra took top honors as Car of the Year while the Land Rover Range Rover Evoque was named Truck of the Year. The Evoque model in the winner’s circle was the only Land Rover presence at this year’s show as the

luxury division of Tata Motors of India chose to decline its invitation. There was a Tata in attendance as part of a future of motoring display outside the main show hall however. The Tata eMO EV shared booth space with a Renault and a Mitsubishi, both electrics. Ford used the Joe Louis Arena to debut the completely made over 2013 Fusion midsize sedan in a theater-in-the-round type performance complete with fog machines and lasers. Mercedes-Benz had live music as well as comedian Jon Lovitz as they introduced a couple of new hybrid E-Class sedans, the smart-for-us mini-truckster concept and the new SL roadster. While not making any global

debuts at this show, BMW brought in three US Olympians as they introduced America to the new 3 Series and two ActiveHybrid sedans. Chevrolet surprised the show crowd with a couple of design concept models set to entice the millennial drivers. The Code 130R and Tru 140S concepts showed serious possibilities for the future of the bowtie brand. Dodge appeared to be pinning a big part of its future on the new Dart compact sedan that will arrive as a 2013 model, set to replace the Avenger and Caliber models. The new car showcases the global partnership of the US brand and its sister company Alfa Romeo. Many other vehicles were shown in Detroit, too many to list

in this space. Audi, Acura, Bentley, Buick, Cadillac, Chrysler, Falcon, Honda, Hyundai, Lexus, Lincoln, Maserati, MINI, Nissan, Porsche, Scion, Shelby, Toyota, Volkswagen and Volvo all have new production or concept vehicles at NAIAS. Even Bob Lutz was there with a new extended-range EV pickup (think Dr. Frankenstein putting the Chevy Volt brain into a Silverado body). The public show runs through Jan. 22 and more information can be found throughout the interwebs. The Acura NSX concept seemed to be the hit of press preview days while my favorite was either the Fiat 500 Abarth with matching leather wearing girl or the champagne served in the Bentley booth.

The Difference Between a Man and a Boy is the Price of his Toys! these are for sure to make your want list! Swatch Touch Watch We’ll be the first to admit that Swatch — better known for its crazy, stackable neon designs — was about the last company we expected to drop a touchscreen digital watch. Yet that’s exactly what the Swatch Touch Watch is. Using funky on-screen digits that blend in well with the control indicators at the bottom, it offers up the time, date, and even a chronograph, all accessible with a touch — and swipe — of the finger. Price: $140

Samsung Series 9 Monitors Sammy’s been in the news a lot lately for ripping off Apple’s designs, but it’s giving the boys from Cupertino a run for their money with these new Samsung Series 9 Monitors. Sporting an ultra-sleek aluminum design, the Series 9 features quad high-definition (QHD) resolution, professional-grade Plane Line Switching technology, anti-glare, edge-to-edge glass displays, height-adjustable stands, and round bases which house a plethora of connections, including DisplayPort, Dual Link DVI, HDMI, MHL, and USB, along with 7W stereo speakers. Arriving on a desktop near you in March. Price: $1,200 and up

By Ashly Anderson www.almostnerdy.com

Bring on the Games 2012 A new year is upon us, and with it comes a shower of delights that will, in my opinion, put 2011 to shame. Kicking off the year is Final Fantasy XIII-2. Say what you want about the linearity of the latest title (I refuse to acknowledge XIV as canon, as should you). Square-Enix attempted to get back to the roots of what made the Final Fantasy series so memorable and Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

succeeded for the most part. XIII-2 looks to be all meat and very little fat. In March, we have the conclusion of one of the greatest trilogies of all time: Mass Effect 3. BioWare has proven that they have a stranglehold on the gaming world with the raging success of Star Wars: The Old Republic, and gamers everywhere are eagerly awaiting the face of Commander Shepherd and his (or her) crew. On the very same day that Shepherd is battling the Reapers for interstellar-domination, Max Payne will be

noir-ing his way through Max Payne 3. Bald, bearded, and badass, Mr. Payne has alot to live up to, but Rockstar always delivers, and I expect we’ll be seeing no less than awesome. Of course, it’s impossible to fit in all of the goodness that 2012 is expected to deliver. Grand Theft Auto V, Bioshock: Infinite, Borderlands 2, Diablo III, Sly Cooper, Resident Evil, you name it – everything you want is releasing this year. All that’s left to do is pray that it doesn’t bleed your wallet dry.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

January 18 – 24, 2012

Blitz Funnys

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: I said: I’m drunk! Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? A: They couldn’t close his casket. Q: What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail? A: I feel like a kid again!

Photo Courtesy: Trey Ratcliff

Prime Mates A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar and asks about it. “You don’t want to know,” answers the bartender. A few beers later, the guy says, “Come on, I gotta know what the deal is with the monkey.” “OK, I’ll show you,” says the bartender. He then takes the animal out of the cage and whacks it on the head with a bat. The monkey pulls down the bartender’s pants and starts giving him a blow job. He looks at the guy and says, “You want to try it?” “Hell, yeah,” says the guy. “But don’t hit me that hard.”

No Wet Cops Here - The Dallas Morning News reported January 10, 2010, while being pursued by Dallas police, a burglary suspect escaped by simply jumping in the Trinity River. According to the News, “Police said he refused help when they extended a baton and tree branches - and went under water just as an officer was taking off his gun belt to jump in after him.” Adding, when Fire-Rescue officials called off the search at sundown, they had “no reason to believe the suspect couldn’t have gotten out” of the river. (Part of the subheading reads: “Man floats away on log.” Whatever.) Defendant On The Wrong Side of TV - 1/10/12, NBCMIAMI.com – While watching television’s Judge Judy program, a 65-year-old man was beaten in the head with a hammer, by 62-year-old Janet Ann Knowles. The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office said the woman had brutalized her companion because she got “upset with Judge Judy.” No Manicure at This Funeral - Jerod Reeves, 29, and Kimberly McCaffery, 35, of Craig, Colorado, admitted to FBI investigators they’d stolen money, credit cards, an iPhone and a gun, after coming upon a van containing the bodies of William Ahrold and his 9-year-old son, Jackson. Reeves openly said, to steal the senior Ahrold’s gun he’d had to cut off two of the man’s fingers: “I sawed them with a hack saw.” (A preliminary report stated the two deaths were probably caused by a murder/suicide.)

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 The stars believe your life is becoming a bit bland. Spice things up by soaking your genitals in Sriracha Sauce!

Aries March 21 – April 19 Your mundane life as a food server takes a turn for the worse when a group of Tim Tebow fans tip you with Bible verses.

Cancer June 22 – July 22 The rest you are in such need of will arrive in the form of a stay at the local ICU when you are hit by a DART bus.

Libra September 23 – October 22 You soon realize the error of your ways when you discover that the phrase “digging for gold” means picking your nose.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Spend some quality time with the kids this weekend. Take them someplace with lots of fun – the gun store.

Taurus April 20 – May 20 That accident with a nail gun will cause you to wear an eye patch. When you wear an eye patch you look like a tough guy. Now everyone wants to know how tough you are.

Leo July 23 – August 22 The love of your life will be as sweet as you ever imagined when you receive a mysterious case of unopened Mrs. Buttersworth’s syrup.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Close friends and family members continue to fail to see the wisdom of your ways. It’s up to you whether or not they still deserve their eyes.

Virgo August 23 – September 22 Excitement ensues when your parents accidentally stumble across your box of porn at the family get together on Sunday.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Going through your cubicle will become a rite of passage when your desk is moved next to the company bathroom.

Gemini May 21 – June 21 You decide to get ahead of the competition at the office this week by decapitating your fellow call center reps!

ACROSS: 1. Any animal with no feet 6. If not 10. Teller of untruths 14. Fence “doors” 15. Keen 16. Axlike tool 17. Kick out 18. Anger 19. Hint 20. Ornament 22. Group of cattle 23. Residue from a fire 24. Brusque 26. Chinese temple 30. Frothy 32. Not below 33. Tender feeling 37. Attraction 38. Seasoning 39. Smell

40. Make free from bacteria 42. Comment to the audience 43. Produce a literary work 44. Sleeping sickness carrier 45. Someone unpleasantly strange 47. Chop off 48. 8 in Roman numerals 49. The outer area 56. All excited 57. Chills and fever 58. Entertain 59. Strip of wood 60. Mob 61. Connections 62. At one time (archaic) 63. Border 64. Amount of hair

DOWN: 1. Matured 2. Cover with asphalt 3. Ear-related 4. A style of design 5. A dais 6. Our planet 7. 57 in Roman numerals 8. Storage cylinder 9. Without teeth 10. Sorrowful 11. Runs in neutral 12. Sky-blue 13. Marsh plant 21. An Old Testament king 25. Upon (prefix) 26. Friends 27. Adjoin 28. Pierce 29. Obese 30. Take by force

31. A single time 33. Expectoration 34. Modify 35. Gestures of assent 36. Tall woody plant 38. Falling off from a level 41. Fury 42. Paving material 44. Not bottom 45. Stogie 46. Violent disturbances 47. Feudal lord 48. Sheltered spot 50. Quaint outburst 51. A step on a ladder 52. Arab chieftain 53. Graphic symbol 54. Requests 55. Not more

Solution on Page 18

Pisces February 19 – March 20 The money gods smile upon you when you cash in your piggy bank. Invest wisely in lottery tickets.

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January 18 – 24, 2012

The CLOSER

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

GoodBye “Dear Leader”

Fighting Billy Bock Brewed by: Minhas Craft Brewery ABV: 5.50% This beer pours a nice dark brown color in which the head quickly dissipates and not much lacing. The scent of lightly roasted malts, light cocoa and a touch of honey fill the air. The taste is moderately sweet, a soft edgy, drying alcohol. The carbonation is quite sedate with this one. Overall it’s a decent bock and drinkability is pretty good.

Rocky Patel 1961 Toro Wrapper: Ecuador Binder: Honduras Filler: Nicaragua Strength: Medium This cigar can be easily considered one of the very best from Rocky. It has a triple cap and a dark chocolate wrapper with two bands. It is well constructed while packing lots of tobacco in the filler. Woody notes with a sweet character are immediately present but the flavor is full. This stick is well balanced and a pleasant smoke.

Chocalte Cake Ingredients: 1/2 oz Frangelico Hazelnut Liqueur 1/2 oz Vodka Sugar

By Joe Stumpo www.darthstumpo.com “They’re grieving like they knew the man.” Such was the line uttered by disgruntled and supposed conspirator ex-FBI agent Guy Banister (Ed Asner) in Oliver Stone’s JFK as he expressed disgust watching Americans grieve at the news that President John F. Kennedy had been assassinated Nov. 22, 1963. That was also the first thought which came to my mind as I watched images of North Korea’s citizens mourn the loss of their president Kim Jong-il when he passed away from a heart attack Dec. 17, 2011 last month as a result of “physical and mental over-work” according to the country’s tearful news announcer. I fought hard to keep from making any jokes. “My leader, what will we do,” uttered one citizen. “It’s too much! It’s too much!” “Leader, please come back. You cannot leave us. We will always wait for you, leader,” cried another. Instead of making jokes, however, I let others do it for me like a couple of conservative talk show hosts sitting in for Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity the last two weeks of December who said the North Koreans mourning should be the rallying cry for the Occupy Wall Street protesters here in the U.S. as they complain about how everyone else in America has a job and money to spend but they don’t. Over at Mad magazine’s website, The Idiotical, was a picture of the mourners boasting the headline, “Why is this North Korean really crying?” with mocking quotes from the grieving crowds. Among the answers given was “Just found out that Col. Potter from M.A.S.H. died” and “She took Green Bay and the points.” Like so many other “colorful” dictators of toppled regimes past from Adolf Hitler to Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong-il was no stranger to be-

Mixing Instructions: Add Vodka and Frangelico to a shaker with ice. Shake. Garnish with a sugar-coated lemon. Shoot the drink, like you would tequila.

Photo Courtesy: www.kremlin.ru

ing the subject of mockery thanks to his eccentricities and rightly so. South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone made the North Korean dictator the primary villain in the wooden puppet – equal opportunity offender comedy, Team America: World Police. One scene has Kim Jong-il walking throughout his immense palace singing, “I’m so ronery…so ronery…so ronery and sadry arone” which translates to “I’m so lonely…so lonely…so lonely and sadly alone.” Like former Libyan dictator Col. Moammar Gadhafi, all one has to do is type in “Kim Jong-il trivia” under any Internet search engine to see thousands of humorous articles that show the “Dear Leader” clearly enjoyed the finer things in life while his people suffered that included the best wines, cigars and what might as well have been called his own private Blockbuster Video store owning a library of 20,000 movies. Among his favorites you ask, Friday the 13th and anything featuring Elizabeth Taylor according to a 12/19/11 cbsnews.com article. Like dear old dad, the Dear Leader’s son and successor, Supreme Commander Kim Jongun is already the target of Hollywood mockery.

Name: Robert Smith Team: Republic Beverage Stats: You text, email, and grovel at his feet to get into the biggest parties in Dallas. He keeps your glass full and a smile on your face emphatically setting the standard of beverage brand supremacy. Cheers. Day Job On premise liquor sales rep, which includes bars, clubs, restaurants etc. Responsible for continued growth for established and new brands through sampling, negotiating feature prices, promotions and educating consumers. Best part of your job? Having the privilege of selling and sampling thousands of

Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Photo Courtesy: petersnoopy

In NBC’s 30 Rock last season, Elizabeth Banks’ journalist character Avery Jessup and wife of TV executive Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) was kidnapped while on assignment in North Korea and forced to marry Kim Jong-un. In all seriousness, however, and I cannot speak for anyone else, my feelings for the people of North Korea is that of pity in how completely isolated they are to the outside world thanks to Kim Jong-il’s leadership, or lack thereof, which will likely continue now under the oppressive rule of Kim Jong-un. All one has to do is look at the satellite photographs where at night thousands of lights can be seen from space in South Korea. Over in North Korea, however, the only light seen is just a speck coming from the capital of Pyongyang, if that. It is no wonder that when the “Dear Leader” passed away last month, the country’s neighbor and still current enemy, South Korea, offered their condolences to the people of North Korea and not so much for Kim Jong-il even as they hope the transition of leadership can usher in a “new era” of peace.

different brands that in many cases I’m the initial face representing these brands to my accounts. Exposing consumers to brands they have never thought to try, and or acquiring new consumers through happy-hour and/or night events. What makes a great party? Awesome open-minded people and a variety of quality cocktails that are consumer friendly. What’s on your DVR right now? Anything NBA, NFL, NCAA sports! And Storage Wars or Law and Order.

Your favorite place in Dallas Can’t go wrong choosing any place in Uptown or Downtown Dallas, but I love Stephan Pyles’ restaurant. Three things you can’t live without Loyalty, integrity, and perseverance. Coolest thing in your closet? I have an arsenal of JoS. A. Bank attire. Best advice you have ever given? “Wherever you go there you are” meaning, if you want your circumstances to change it starts with you first, not the other way around.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 19

January 18 – 24, 2012

Dear Advertisers, More Honest Marketing Please!

By Jesse Whitman jwhitman00@gmail.com

Advertisers, I beg you, please be more honest in your labeling of products. I know you are soulless, greedy money-whores, and your advertising is engineered to suppress higher brain function and elicit reptilian impulse behavior. You are constrained by laws about false advertising, so you include the bare minimum of warnings in microscopic font, but people rarely read the fine print (i.e. Use of this product may result in rectal explosions with unstoppable force. So, please use adult diapers or at the very least wear brown pants and do your WalMart shopping after midnight so as not to scare small children.) Furthermore, we are only human and deep down, no matter what our income bracket or perceived social status; we share the fact that we are all producers of foul smelling feces and have tendencies to punish ourselves with too much alcohol, bad food, and controlled substances. So, because of this fact let the truth be known right up front, in bold, and upfront on the label. While the fine print you must include by law may save your ass, these will also save ours (and I mean that literally). Air freshener: Island Breeze and Sh*t, because no matter how much artificial perfumes and chemicals you put in air fresheners, it will never be able to cover up the smelly stench of the average defecation. So, to be fair the label Island Breeze and Sh*t will let people know exactly what their noses are in for when they enter the violated bathroom, which is artificial perfume and floating poop particles. Activa should be Ass--Blaster Yogurt. Case in point: Michael Goldstein, 38, an investment banker from New York, is a yogurt enthusiast. So, when he saw Activa yogurt cups, they appeared to be innocent, standard yogurt with fruit flavoring. However, he failed to read the fine print, which states that the yogurt is actually laced with colon-blasting ingredients and to limit your amount to one serving per day. Goldstein, however, in keeping with his usual habits of over-eating, consumed a six pack of Activa and for the next three days suffered from ass explosions of unstoppable force. Pabst Blue Ribbon: Their slogan should be “You’ll look cool in front of your hipster friends but this is instant headache in a can.” And let’s drop the pretense, if that’s possible, and admit that we are really only interested in the cheap libation with a moderately high alcohol content in order to get sh*t-faced and make bad decisions. Really, the point of drinking and the effects of alcohol are to negate responsibility, so can you drop that thinly veiled cover-your-ass “drink responsibly” clause at the end of every booze commercial. Who are we kidding here? I would also like to see a sensible commercial for the myriad of stomach distress remedies on the market. Tell it like it is…”You don’t have the self-control to avoid the foods your body is

vehemently protesting against. So load up on that Prevacid and tell your stomach to shut the hell up while you shove another chilly smothered nitrate torpedo down your gullet and send it rocketing down your already scorched colon.” I would implore you as well to have a modicum of social responsibility in your advertising. I am not saying you need to include pictures of blind Indonesian children stitching together some name brand sneakers on the outside of the box, but could you at least help us be mindful consumers instead of inducing us into mindless consumerism? Sincerely, Stupid Consumers Everywhere Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook