Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

January 25 – 31, 2012

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

January 25 – 31, 2012

SPORTS NEWS

T.O. - A Series of Unfortunate Events

SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Bad Boys Bad Boys 3 UFC on Fox 2 4 My Jeresy is Blue 6 Mavericks News 6 Stars News 7 Intelligent Nutrition 8 Success With Honor 9 Cover Story Can Yu Believe It! 10 Japanese Baseball Greats 11 Blitz babe of the week JEss 12 BLITZ Entertainment Kids Are Evil 13 Seven Things in Seven Days 13 Restaurant Review 14 American Idol Returns 14 Hollywood Shuffle 15 Hollywood Profile 15 Movie Review 15 Auto Review 16 Gadgets 16 Joystick 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 School Teachers 18 2-Minute Drill 18 Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor C. Patterson Graphic Designer: Damien Mayfield Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor Judy Chamberlain Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Photograhy Brad Newton/Texas Rangers Cover Design Damien Mayfield

Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors Staff Writers Hannah Allen, Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, David Goodspeed, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith, Jesse Whitman Contributing Photographers Jess Aline, Malleus Brando, Dominic Ceraldi, Jeremy Chan, Charlton Clemens, Chad McNeeley, Allen Mock, William Moss, Morten Oddvik, Ivan Saracino, 2 Hype Enterprises, Arnold C., Christian, Coming_Home, Jenn,Jocks & Stilletos Jill, Lululemon Athletica, PennStateLive, Moods of Norway, zizzybaloobah

In the February issue of GQ, Terrell Owens was asked about his well-being and replied, “I’m in hell.” He goes on to say, “I don’t have no friends, I don’t want no friends. That’s how I feel.” If that isn’t a cry for help, I’m not sure what is. Although the swollen headed talk of T.O. never really registered with me, I realize this man has had a tumultuous run and he wasn’t left unscathed. Last year the Cincinnati Bengals chose not to renew his one-year, $2 million contract and Owens discovered his financial advisers had been leading him to risky investments. The roughly $80 million he’s made over his 15 seasons with the NFL is almost all gone, and he was caught up in a risky financial venture in Alabama that ended up violating NFL gambling rules. Then the housing market tanked and he lost millions unloading property during the recession. Although my working class mind wants to remain indignant to the problems of millionaires, it doesn’t change the fact that getting screwed in a deal is horrible. In the midst of the money trouble, he suffered a torn ACL and kept the injury secret until his surgery. And although he is known as a miraculous healer, not one team scout came to his televised workout on ESPN. It’s almost like everyone forgot that he is ranked No. 2 in the NFL for receiving yards. What they obviously didn’t forget was his lethal combination of cavalier virtuoso and showboating adolescent behavior. He may have kept a low profile while in Cincinnati but the damage he has done to teams across the

By Keysha Hogan @TheKeysha

league will haunt him. Sadly, things on the home front aren’t looking too hot either. He owes a total of $44,600 in child support for his four children. Reports also surfaced that he missed a court date with the mother of his oldest child because he was attending a public tryout and ended up with a bench warrant issued for his arrest. When you take the time to stack all this bad news side by side, and add in a few alleged suicide reports and a reality show on VH1, it’s a wonder the Owens is still venturing out of his house. But starting this year the sixtime Pro Bowler will play and have an ownership stake in the Allen Wranglers of the Indoor Football League. There’s a cynical part of most editorial writers that can’t help but paint this as a fall from grace type narrative. But I’m from Allen, TX and we live and breathe football. And I’ve lost money along the way and had to take jobs that I sometimes thought I Photo Courtesy: Moods of Norway was too good for. But bills have to be paid, and pride wasn’t helping me or my family at the time. In the GQ interview Owens said, “I think people change, but the media, they never allowed me to change. They never allowed me to be a better person.” Well here at Blitz Weekly, everyone gets a fair shot. From now on, I’m going to move on from the past, let some things go and treat Owens as I would any other player. And I honestly hope Owens can continue to stay spirited and maybe some good fortune will come his way.

Contributing Writers Ashley Anderson, Cote Bailey, Brian Beard, Mika Bradford, Fil Chapa, Keysha Hogan, Darnell Scribes, Joe Stumpo

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Neil Patrick Harris @ActuallyNPH

In today’s current political climate, I suppose it’s no longer appropriate to say ‘Bully! Bully!’ as an expression of admiration.

Yay, you’re famous! So your cellmates will know your name!

Crap Out Mavs assistant coach Darrell Armstrong found out that perhaps he isn’t such a lucky guy when he was a passenger in a vehicle pulled over for a violation and the discovery of an unpaid debt to Harrah’s Las Vegas casino led to his arrest on Jan.17. Armstrong passed a bad check to the tune of $37,500. He was freed on Jan. 18 on $40,000 bail.

Sound Violation Ok, so Steven Tyler’s rendition of ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ wasn’t technically illegal, but it should have been. For those of you who missed it consider yourselves lucky. Never before in American history has one individual been able to assault millions of people at once. Lock him up and throw away the key.

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January 25 – 31, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

UFC FOX2 on

Saturday, January 28 – 7PM

Watch it at:

UFConFOX2

preview

By Brian Beard comments@blitzweekly.com

Rashad “Suga” Evans (21-1-1) vs Phil “Mr. Wonderful” Davis (9-0-0) “Fight of the Night” right here folks! Davis is undefeated and has some fights under his belt. Early in his career Davis was compared to Jon “Bones” Jones. That being said Davis is not in the same class as Jones. Davis is learning quickly and is an excellent wrestler. However it’s been almost a year since he’s fought. Evans certainly brings showmanship to the big stage, has fought more recently (Tito Ortiz) and won’t be overwhelmed by the situation. Evans certainly has fought some great opponents in the past: Rampage, Machida, Chuck Liddell. Look for Evans’ cockiness to be his downfall. He’ll realize that he’s bit off more than he can chew and will lose this one to Davis in the second round.

Round Three will be declared the winner and will head to the after-party.

Photos Courtesy: Coming_Home Photos Courtesy: Malleus Brando

Chael Sonnen (27-11-1) vs Michael “The Count” Bisping (23-3-0) This is Sonnen’s second match after coming off of his suspension (money laundering). He defeated Brian Stann back in October via arm triangle choke in the second round. He’s hungry; loves to trash talk and took Anderson Silva to his limit. He won’t back down. The Count is an excellent fighter who packs a powerful punch. He’s in great shape and loves the stand up game. He’ll have his hands full with Sonnen. Both fighters enjoy the “Bad Boy” moniker but it’ll be Sonnen who will leave the ring as the victorious villain. Bisping will bring it, Sonnen will withstand the barrage and then after

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Demian Maia (15-3-0) vs Chris “All-American” Weidman (7-0-0) An undefeated, young fighter taking on a veteran of the cage seems like a bit of mismatch. Weidman is still relatively new to the UFC and this match will be a valuable lesson. He is confident in his abilities and is a quick learner. Weidman brings a strong wrestling game and loves the takedown. Maia on the other hand is older (34) and once was an elite talent. He isn’t the same fighter now since he lost to Nate Marquardt. Now his fights usually go the distance, win or lose. Do you take athleticism or experience? I’m going with Maia to win this one. Weidman has never fought someone of this caliber and Maia wins with a unanimous decision. Book it!

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

January 25 – 31, 2012

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January 25 – 31, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

My Jersey is Blue, But My Heart Bleeds Purple

tive decision that spared Lamar’s feelings for a few days but with speculations swirling the damage was already done. “You don’t want to go to no place you’re not wanted,” Odom told the Los Angeles Times, after missing the first day of training camp practice. Kobe Bryant, the Lakers superstar, and long time professional Derek Fisher have almost publicly stated how upset they were over their friend and teammate, being sent away from the fold due to the business of basketball. “As a basketball player, it confuses you as to what your focus should be,” Fisher said. “I’m very disappointed and frustrated for (Odom and Gasol). If I had my choice, Lamar would be a Laker for life.” said Fisher in an ESPN interview. I have watched pro sports for the major-

Photo Courtesy: Jocks & Stilletos Jill

start to fly across the room on VH1 reruns. Dallas Mavericks Shawn Marion was quoted saying in the AP “We have his back, and that’s all that really matters,”” He’s part of our family now…We just have to get the continuity and get familiarized with each other. I can’t answer any questions about what’s going on in his head, but he’s been a true professional about everything. Hopefully he can help make us that much better and help us repeat.” This is the sentiment of almost everyone involved with the Lamar Odom trade to the Dallas Mavericks – “Sentimental.” Los Angeles is the home of Hollywood so you can always expect high drama when it comes to its public figures. Originally, Lamar was slated to be traded to New Orleans in a high profile deal that would have brought Chris Paul to the L.A. Lakers instead of across town to the Clippers. Odom had been a fixture in LA for 11 of his 12 NBA seasons (four with the Clippers and seven with the Lakers). Two championships, a Sixth Man of the Year award, multiple long playoff runs, and a reality show later he was on the way out and was not at all happy about his potential exit. David Stern made an execu-

ity of my life and this is the most emotional I have seen players as it concerns a trade. Upon his first return visit to the Staples Center wearing Mavericks blue, Lamar received a long-standing ovation coming on the court as a reserve midway through the first quarter. Being honored during a timeout with a video tribute and a scoreboard message: “THANKS for the memories LAMAR.” Lamar’s showing thus far for his new team has been less than great. He’s averaging around seven points and five rebounds per game. Numbers that are close to half of his career average. Sure, it’s probably other factors that have lead to Lamar performing so mediocre for the season to this point, but it’s pretty safe to say that LA is not out of his system. If we as fans didn’t have such a “hear no evil, see no evil” attitude some booking houses could claim the fix is in every time the Mavericks play the Lakers. In his 13th year as professional basketball player, I believe that Odom can do just that, remain professional. “Mostly, I was unprepared for the whole situation,” Odom said. “But I’ll get there. It’ll happen.”

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MAVS It’s Odom’s time to shine

By Geoff Case @geoffcase The Mavericks have decided to sit Dirk Nowitzki for four games to hit the reset button on a few of his knee issues that never resolved themselves after playing in the Euro tournament last summer. While Nowitzki isn’t technically injured, his performance this season has taken a nosedive. “We just thought it was a good decision for everybody. I’m not happy right now anyways, so the guys are better off when I’m not out there,” Nowitzki said. “This gives me time to really do some of the stuff that I couldn’t do when my knee was bothering me the last couple weeks. I couldn’t lift and run and do the things I needed to do.” Dirk isn’t just going to be sitting in a comfy chair letting the knee heal. Rick Carlisle describes the injury as something that occurs when a player is out of condition. He said Nowitzki needed “an uninterrupted eight days of work to resolve some physical issues and conditioning issues,” adding that Nowitzki had “no choice” in the matter. “He’s going to be busting his (behind) this week. We’re going to be on him hard,” Carlisle added. “He’s got a lot of work to do and if things go like we think they’ll go, by the end of the week he’ll be back and ready to play.” In that time they are going to lean heavily on Lamar Odom who has struggled mightily during his short tenure in a Maverick uniform. This will be a defining moment for Lamar and his future as a Maverick. For the first time the team will have to rely on Lamar Odom to win games for them. Lamar, by everyone’s account is dealing with major off the court issues. He came in to the season out of shape and was mentally checked out. However, in the last few games we’ve definitely seen improvement in the versatile forward’s game. The Mavericks reliance on his offensive output in the upcoming games could be what brings Lamar out of his funk. That is something that could be much more valuable than winning the next four games. However, the Mavericks as an organiza-

Upcoming Schedule: 1/27 Jazz 7:30 p.m. 1/29 Spurs 5:30 p.m. 1/30 @ Suns 8:00 p.m. 2/1 Thunder 7:00 p.m.

Poor Lammy. I would hope that Khloé is not too upset with me for using her pet name for her husband Lamar Odom, one of the newest members of the Dallas Mavericks and the current reigning NBA Sixth Man of the Year. “I would go anywhere with my hubby,” she tweeted. “ As long as I’m with Lam, I’m good.” There is always a loyalty when it comes to a team and its players. It’s normally a very unbalanced relationship. The organization usually has plans to go a direction that the player has no idea is happening. While the player is looking to either be traded immediately or play out the rest of their career with the team. All parties involved should know business is business but emotions tend to run deep when it comes to a job that tells you it’s really more like your family. Dinners together, long road trips, wives and girlfriends forced to hang out and entertain each other until drink glasses

By Darnell Scribes @MyBoxSeat

tion are focused on getting Nowtizki back in playing shape. The Mavericks and Dirk believe that the four-game layoff should be exactly what the doctor ordered to clean up his game. “I couldn’t go by anybody off the dribble and that’s part of my game. Right now I’m basi-

Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

cally a pop-up shooter every time I caught it, and if I didn’t have (the shot), I had to swing it because I just couldn’t make a move, couldn’t go by anybody,” Nowitzki said. “I didn’t feel comfortable. So that’s something that I’ve got to work on this week is putting the ball on the floor and get comfortable and really getting confidence in my leg strength...and I’ll be back to my old self.” The Mavericks haven’t fared too well without the big German in the line-up in recent years but right now it’s not about winning or losing. It’s about coming together as a team when the season is on the line and you simply cannot put a price on that.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

STARS Stars Extend Losing Streak

The Dallas Stars, playing without centers Jamie Benn (appendectomy) and Mike Ribeiro (knee), grinded out only one point in back-to-back strong performances against St. Louis and Detroit, two of the top teams in the league. But when the Stars fell flat early against the Tampa Bay Lightning, who came into the game in last place in the Eastern Conference, Coach Glen Gulutzan had a few stern words for his team following a 2-1 loss.

Upcoming Schedule: 2/1 @ Ducks 9:30 p.m. 2/2 @ Sharks 9:30 p.m. 2/4 Wild 7:00 p.m. 2/7 Coyotes 7:30 p.m.

By Tony Barone tbarone@blitzweekly.com

January 25 – 31, 2012

in less than one minute in the second period in a 5-2 loss. The Stars have now lost their last five games, and have scored just six goals during the losing streak. Their overall record fell to 24-21-2 on the season, and there are now three teams ahead of them in the chase for the eighth playoff spot. Just when you think the Stars’ power play cannot get worse, it does. Over the last fifteen games, the Stars have gone 5

Photo Courtesy: Dominic Ceraldi

“The most frustrating part was really the first 30-minutes of getting outworked. That’s always the most frustrating part,” Gulutzan said. “I’ve got no problem if you go in a shootout or you play hard and you just don’t get results. When you only play 30-minutes, some team comes into your building on a Friday night and outplays you for 30-minutes, I have a real big problem with that. “How do you deal with the problem? You have to make them aware that they are not good enough – with or without Jamie Benn and Mike Ribeiro in the lineup – to not be a hardworking team. That’s the message. They are just not good enough.” “You have to work 60-minutes. We have to work 60-minutes every night with everyone in our lineup if we want to play in the playoffs. If we don’t, then we won’t play. That needs to be learned.” In their next outing against the Minnesota Wild, the Stars seemed to respond to Gulutzan’s tongue lashing as they took a 2-1 lead early, only to give up three goals

for 44 with the man advantage, and are converting only 13.6 percent of the time for the season. Only three teams are worse in the NHL. Stars forward Eric Nystrom summed up the team’s inconsistent play of late after the Minnesota loss: “That’s called inconsistency. You’re not going to be where you want to be if you are playing inconsistent hockey. We had a good first 20-minutes and then we just drift away from our game plan. It eats you up. We’ve got to find a way to be more consistent in our game night in, night out, every shift. It’s not easy. That’s why some teams are where they are and why some teams aren’t where they want to be. It’s little inconsistencies.” There’s still time for this team to turn it around and make the playoffs. The All-Star break is coming up and should allow Ribeiro and Benn to recuperate. But the margin for error is getting small. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

January 25 – 31, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

By Mika Bradford, CN, CPhT comments@blitzweekly.com

A Comprehensive Approach to Health

Photo Courtesy: Lululemon Athletica

and Wellness

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We’ve always heard “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”, however living well, staying healthy and having an active lifestyle requires much more than simply having a piece of fresh fruit and a few servings of vegetables. “Intelligent Nutrition” takes a comprehensive look at nutrition and while eating balanced meals low in fat and sugars that provide optimal amounts of fiber and nutrients are important, it is just part of the foundation for good health. Many physicians are now readily suggesting and providing prescriptions for both medications and dietary supplements. In recent years we have seen large pharmaceutical companies join in and rally around dietary supplements with the introduction of products like Niaspan and Lovaza. The formulas for these medications consist of specific vitamins and dietary nutrients as their primary ingredient. This shift in thinking is challenging us to look at health and wellness in a new light, where we no longer need to accept that feeling bad or certain health conditions are static and unable to improve. If you are one of the millions of adults who has reached a threshold in your life where you feel a decline in energy and stamina or begin to experience changes that are routinely attributed to growing older, don’t be discouraged. Whether you’re in your late thirty’s or entering your early fifty’s, there are many factors that must be taken into consideration that can account for changes in the way you feel and your overall health. There are many hidden culprits that you may not be aware of that can undermine your efforts in maintaining your health. These factors can include age, known health conditions, regularly taken prescriptions, over the counter medications, foods eaten on a regular basis, lifestyle choices and your level of physical activity. Each of these factors can directly impact the level of nutrients your body requires in order to function properly. Nutrient depletions can ultimately be the outcome, creating or contributing to secondary health conditions. This means a one size-fits-all recommendation for dietary nutrients like the RDA is no longer appropriate for most individuals. Many changes can happen naturally within the body as we age, including the decreased production of specific hormones and enzymes. The natural decrease in the body’s production of hormones, like testosterone and estrogen can change your mood, level of energy and stamina, while promoting weight gain and diminishing the quality of sleep you receive. Another common example of age-related changes that often occur is the decreased production of lactase, a digestive enzyme that is needed to break down lactose, a sugar in milk. The decrease in this one specific enzyme can account for the drastic changes many people must make to the foods they eat in order to avoid bloating, gas, and other symptoms associated with an upset stomach. The malabsorption of specific nutrients can be due to a chronic health condition. Irritable bowel (IBS), Celiac, Crohn’s, and autoimmune conditions all have inflammation as a common denominator. A constant increase in inflammation creates the need for larger amounts of antioxidants to be consumed in order for the body to respond appropriately. These antioxidants are derived from the foods you eat and dietary supplements you take. The use of cherry fruit extract in the treatment of Arthritis is just one example of an antioxidant rich supplement being used to support a healthy inflammatory response. Medications, while necessary for many health conditions, have also been shown to interfere with the absorption of specific vitamins and minerals. Blood pressure medications are just one class of drugs that have been scientifically shown to create the need for supplementation of nutrients like Coenzyme -10, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium, sodium and zinc. Due to the direct impact medications can have on your health, it is imperative that you have a clear understanding of why those medications are being taken and how they are suppose to support your health. It is also important to know if any nutrient depletion has been associated with these medications. As you can see there are many factors that must be taken into consideration when making decisions about your health. The truth is, you can make a difference in your life by taking a comprehensive approach to choices regarding your health that will allow you to live well, stay healthy and maintain an active lifestyle for years to come.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

January 25 – 31, 2012

Success with Honor By Frank LaCosta – flacosta@blitzweekly.com

Rest in Peace JoePa…

Photos Courtesy: Allen Mock, William Moss, Chad McNeeley, Jeremy Chan, Arnold C., PennStateLive

n Sunday morning the sports world started the day looking forward to the AFC and NFC Championship games. By mid-morning Mount Nittany Medical Center, State College in Pennsylvania informed the nation that Joe Paterno had succumbed to lung cancer at 9:25 a.m. EST. The man affectionately nicknamed JoePa surrounded by family stated that he “died as he lived.” “He fought hard until the end, stayed positive, thought only of others and constantly reminded everyone of how blessed his life had been,” Paterno’s family said in a statement. “His ambitions were far reaching, but he never believed he had to leave this Happy Valley to achieve them. He was a man devoted to his family, his university, his players and his community.” Joseph Vincent Paterno was born December 21, 1926 in Brooklyn, New York. He was the first-born son of second-generation Italian immigrants. After serving a year in the Army he attended Brown University where he played quarterback and cornerback. As a defensive back he set a school record with 14 interceptions (that still stands) and as the signal caller led the team to an 8-1 record as a senior. He was coached by Rip Engle and followed him to Penn State in 1950. JoePa served as an assistant from 1950-1965. Engle retired in 1965 and Paterno was named his successor to start the 1966 season. Paterno had a rough start as the head coach losing three of his first five games. His first team finished 5-5 that season. He opened the 1967 season with a loss to Navy. After a loss on October 7 to UCLA that year, Penn State won their next 31 consecutive games. He wouldn’t look back. Paterno’s head coaching career at Penn State spanned the administrations of nine U.S. presidents. He visited several presidents at the White House and later had words with President Nixon stating “I’d like to know, how could the president know so little about Watergate in 1973 and know so much about college football in 1969?” Nixon had declared Texas the national champion in 1969 following their victory over Arkansas in “The Game of the Century.” Penn State went 11-0 that season. During Joe Paterno’s coaching career, he coached 701 games and only missed three games. That tied him with Amos Alonzo Stagg for first all-time with 548 appearances as a head coach. On October 29, 2011 Penn State defeated Illinois 10-7 for his 409th win setting another Division 1 record. Paterno led the Nittany Lions to five undefeated seasons, won two national championships (1982, 1986), won three Big Ten titles (1994, 2005, 2008) and 37 bowl appearances with 24 bowl wins (another record). More than 250 of the players he coached went on to play in the NFL. Current Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer summed it up best when speaking of Joe Paterno when he said, “He will go down as the greatest football coach in the history of the game.” Paterno built his program on the credo “Success with Honor,” and he found both.

Elite Company: All-Time Wins Leaders NCAA Football Division 1 Joe Paterno 409 Games

NFL Don Shula 347 Games

MLB Connie Mack 3,731 Games

NCAA Basketball Division 1 Mike Krzyzewski 916 Games and counting…

NBA Don Nelson 1,335 Games

NHL Scotty Bowman 1,471 Games Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

January 25 – 31, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

By Mark Miller mmiller@blitzweekly.com

fter coming just one pitch short of winning the World Series twice last October, some people might have thought the Texas Rangers only needed to make minor adjustments to their roster for 2012. Those folks obviously don’t understand how Chief Executive Officer/President Nolan Ryan and General Manager Jon Daniels operate. And they likely don’t realize what it would take to keep up with teams like the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles not to mention the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox. The Rangers had several ways they could improve the team – trade prospects from their top-rated farm system for established players, sign an experienced major free agent or go after a dominant young pitcher from another country. They ended up choosing the latter. Following the loss of ace starter C.J. Wilson to American League West rival Anaheim which also signed fellow free agent Albert Pujols, Ryan and Daniels convinced principal owners Bob Simpson and Ray Davis that a nearly $112 million total investment in Japanese star pitcher Yu Darvish would be worth it. If the 25-year-old Darvish can produce as a pitcher like Japanese legend Ichiro Suzuki has done as a hitter, Rangers fans may quickly forget what happened to their team in the 2011 World Series. “He’s got it,” Daniels told Fox Sports Southwest’s Emily Jones. “He’s got that extra thing that star athletes on the big stage have. Some people perceive it as arrogance. I think it’s confidence and you have to have that with all the media he deals with on a daily basis.” After being selected as the first team that could negotiate with Darvish, the Rangers first had to post a fee of more than $51.7 million to his Japanese team, the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters, for the 30-day right to negotiate with him. Coming down to the last minute, the team and Darvish agreed on a sixyear $60 million deal. “It’s a really neat time for the franchise,”

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Daniels said. “Just talking to some of our players and fans, they are fired up. Now hopefully we can let a little of the hype die down and let him do his job.” Wanted the Rangers One of the best things about deal is the Rangers still have all their top minor league prospects. The other is that Darvish wanted to be a Ranger. “In January when I came over here to visit Texas and Arlington, the front office people and all the people I met made me feel like family, they were very friendly and made me feel welcome and their passion made me feel strongly toward the Rangers,” the 6-foot5, 220-pound right-hander said through an interpreter at a news conference last Friday night. Darvish visited with the Rangers and toured the area and facilities in early January. The visit included dinner with Ryan, Daniels and Rangers pitching coach Mike Maddux. “It really wasn’t like a dinner meeting,” Darvish said. “It was more like a family atmosphere. That was the biggest part for me was the warmth. It was very gracious. I was very happy with that.” Outstanding statistics Darvish pitched for six-and-a-half seasons for the Ham Fighters in the Pacific League of Nippon Professional Baseball, Japan’s highest level of competition. He started 164 games, completing 55 with 18 shutouts. He had a record of 93-38 with a 1.99 earned run average striking out 1,259 batters in 1,268.1 innings. In 2011, he was 18-6 with a 1.44 ERA. In 232 innings, he struck out 276 batters and walked just 36. “First of all I don’t think I throw my fastball as fast as you guys all say,” Darvish told reporters. “I have pretty good confidence in my off-speed pitches. I work both of them and will pitch well here.” Clearly he dominated hitters in Japan. The question will be can he do the same in the United States, considered the highest level in the world. “He has charisma. He’s got a ton of confidence,” Rangers Manager Ron Washington told Jones. “I don’t think it will take him long to figure out what he’s got to do to get hitters out because he’s been getting them out for quite awhile in his baseball career. “Although it hasn’t been at the major league level, his talent is as good as there is at the major league level and all I want him to do is to let that talent show.” Long process Darvish’s signing wasn’t done without plenty of due diligence. Daniels was among 12

Rangers officials and scouts who watched Darvish. Combined, they scouted more than 50 times of his games in the past two years. While they saw what he did to Japanese hitters they also worked to connect with him personally. “We knew the size of the investment was going to be big, and we were going to have to be really thorough in our presentation to ownership and be convicted if this is what we decided to do,” Daniels told the Associated Press. “Our guys really did their homework, and we feel really good about the process.” The Rangers also talked to those who played with and against him and people who knew him away from baseball and came away impressed. “You heard the same thing time after time,” Daniels said. “This is a guy that’s really committed to his craft, that wants to be the best and wants to win on the biggest stage.” Fitting in Darvish’s addition gives Washington and Maddux seven quality starters to consider for their five-man rotation. Colby Lewis, Derek Holland, Matt Harrison and Alexi Ogando all fared well for much of 2011. Closer Neftali Feliz is supposed to move into the rotation and there’s also holder over Scott Feldman. What could help Darvish make an easy transition to American baseball is the presence of fellow Japanese pitchers Yoshinori Tateyama and Koji Uehara. Tateyama was a teammate on the Ham Fighters. “We’ll let him go through the process of getting ready and going through his routine,” Washington told the media. “He’ll get a feel for what we’re looking for and we’ll just move forward from there. For me baseball is universal. We just want him to come in and be Yu Darvish and just help the Texas Rangers continue to move forward in the success we’ve been having the last few years.” How well Darvish responds to everything he’ll face in spring training could go a long way to determining how well he handles things when play starts for real in April. “What you hope is that he comes to spring training and that he’s comfortable and that he fits into the routine and doesn’t put a lot of pressure on himself to try to prove that he’s worthy of the consideration that he got and also of the attention that is going to be brought to him,” Ryan told the Associated Press. “If he comes in and doesn’t put a lot of pressure on himself, the transition should go fairly well.”

January 25 – 31, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

By Cote Bailey comments@blitzweekly.com

Sadaharu Oh – Racked up 868 home runs (that’s 154 more than Babe Ruth for those of you keeping score at home) in a career that spanned 22-years (195980). Oh also brought home 11 Japan Series titles and nine Central League MVP awards. Tomoaki Kanemoto – The Japanese Ironman smashed Cal Ripken, Jr.’s record for consecutive games without missing an inning with a whopping 1,492 games. He wasn’t loafing either piling up 2,286 hits, 1,415 RBIs, and 442 home runs. Hiromitsu Ochiai – The only threetime Triple Crown winner ever (’82, ’85, ’86), five-time Home Run title holder, two-time MVP, 2,371 hits, 1,564 RBIs, and a .311 career batting average. One of the finest players to ever swing a bat in the Pacific League.

Hideo Nomo – The “Tornado” ripped through the MLB sending 1,918 batters back to the dugout with a strikeout on their record…not impressive enough well don’t forget to count his other 1,204 strikeouts in Nippon Professional Baseball. Ichiro Suzuki – Holder of MLBs singleseason record for hits with 262 Suzuki is a 10-time All-Star, 10-time Gold Glove winner, AL Rookie of the Year (’01), AL MVP (’01), Commissioner’s Historic Achievement Award recipient, AL record for Consecutive Stolen Bases (45), two-time AL Batting Champion, all this after playing in Japan! Hideki Matsui – Before becoming a free agent “Godzilla” terrorized pitchers with a .363 career on-base percentage and a .831 on-base plus slugging percentage. Matsui brought another World Series championship to New York by helping the Yankees beat the Phillies in ’09 with his .615 batting average and three home runs during the fall classic. And that’s just his MLB feats... Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

January 25 – 31, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

Blitz babe of the week

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

January 25 – 31, 2012

I love kids, especially their precociousness. Instead of asking ‘why?’, they ask ‘why not?’ ‘Why not stick my hand into a moving fan?’ Or ‘Why not see how far my foot can fit into the spokes of a fast-moving bicycle?’ And my favorite – ‘Why not jump into the deep end of a pool even though I don’t know how to swim?’ Well, because, little Cody, you could break your hand/foot, and possibly drown, the sensible adults will say, those who are operating in beta wave brain states, which promotes logic, reason, and decision-making ability. Children, on the other hand, operate in alpha wave states, which are similar to the brain states of people on strong hallucinogens. This phenomenon may explain that although kids are cute and adventurous in their constant exploration of the world, they are dangerous and possibly evil. The sign that reads, “Caution! Go Slow. Children,” is really there to protect adults. Kids know exactly what they’re doing and they have no concept of cause and effect to stop them from doing it. Kids are very similar to old people. At first they are so adorable, but if you hang out with them long enough they will turn into little devils. The kid may start sticking marbles deep into his naval cavity or start dragging his little sister across the carpet by her hair. And after ten minutes the octogenarian will be asking for your papers and trying to get you deported. “But au contraire!” you may protest. “Kids are so adorable and precious! And even when they’re bad they don’t understand what they’re doing.” And that is exactly how they get away with it. For example, a child knows that pushing his grandfather with a bad hip into a blazing fireplace is wrong, but he may do it anyway because A) He can get

By Jesse Whitman jwhitman00@gmail.com

away with it because adults will think he doesn’t know any better B) His alpha brain state is repeatedly asking against all logic ‘why not?’ and C) He’s just curious and wants to see what will happen. Kids as evil little red-eyed devils may be difficult and even impossible to accept by adults, but perhaps this is because we are quick to forget what it was like during our childhoods. Well, let me remind you. I know kids are evil because my childhood was without a doubt, the most violent time of my entire life thus far. The constant bullying, the premeditated procurement of weapons of mass destruction in the form of sticks, mud, algae, food items, and whatever else they can get their hands on, for one thing. The playground is so volatile and lacking in basic rules of civilized society that it’s a good thing the little spawns of Satan can’t get ahold of any Uranium and don’t have bomb-making capabilities. If kids ruled the world, World War III would surely ensue and bring us closer to the apocalypse. On the playground, don’t be deceived by their innocent making of little mudpies. Those are going to be used to take out some unsuspecting little Jimmy on his way to the swings. And when it comes to cookies and candy, kids are cracked out junkies who wouldn’t think twice about taking out a kid’s eye to get their hands on a melted, half-eaten candy bar. Parents often worry about their kids staying safe, but adults, I must warn you. It’s the other way around. Kids are more dangerous to your health than horseback-riding, skydiving, and running with the bulls, combined. So next time you see some kids make sure you feed the little monsters some candy and then run for your life!

Photos Courtesy: Jenn, Ivan Saracino, Comedy Central, NJ Library, zizzybaloobah, Darryl Briggs, Jess Aline, Christian

WED. 1/25

Mavericks Ring Ceremony American Airlines Center – Dallas Be in the house as the Mavs collect their bling for a season well played. While you guys enjoy the game we’ll be in front of Caron Butler’s, Tyson Chandler’s, and DeShawn Stevenson’s mailboxes. 7pm.

thurs. 1/26

Girls Gone Wild Zouk – Dallas DJ Dtrain Skibblez will keep the party live as Party Rock and the Girls Gone Wild crew team up for one sexy night at the club. And of course the cameras will be there to make all your parents proud. 10pm.

Fri. 1/27

McFadden’s Grand Opening with BLITZ WEEKLY! McFadden’s – Addison The Irish are coming…to Addison. Come out and party with BLITZ and some of the finest Ginger Kids in the land on the true grand opening night of one fine Irish pub. Sometimes it’s easy being green. 7pm.

Sat. 1/28

Harlem Globetrotters American Airlines Center – Dallas Whipping the pants (sometimes literally) off of opponents since 1926 the Globetrotters make their annual DFW stop. Be there to whistle along to “Sweet Georgia Brown.” 2pm.

Sun. 1/29

Jeff Ross Roasts America House of Blues – Dallas The Roast Master General takes his whiskey-fueled tongue to the HOB for a night of hilarity and shame. If you’re not familiar just YouTube Jeff Rose+Comedy Central. 7:30pm.

mon. 1/30

Dallas Gold Film Festival Texas Theatre - Dallas Sundance, amateurs. Toronto, hacks. Cannes, yeah right…don’t even get us started. The real deal is here in the Big D – best short films ever. Not just any gold it’s Dallas Gold baby. 7pm.

tues. 1/31

Classical Open Mic Buzzbrews Kitchen – Dallas Get up there, grab the mic and show off a little of your Johan Sebastian Brew, Beerthoven, or maybe pour some Mo in my glass Zart… we crack ourselves up. 7:45pm.

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January 25 – 31, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

Lazaranda Mexican Seafood Grill From Mexico, With Love: Glorious Food

By Judy Chamberlain judy@judychamberlain.com Spectacular food, Mexican or otherwise, isn’t often found at bargain prices. But that’s exactly what you’ll find at Lazaranda, a stunning new restaurant in Addison Walk. Sushi grade fish in the tuna tostada with creamy chipotle dressing, priced on the menu at $5.99, is a meal in itself – but don’t stop there. A killer shrimp ceviche, served as a tostada, is also a full meal for a light eater ($4.99). At these prices, it’s much less expensive to have a high-quality meal at Lazaranda than it is to cook at home. The casually charming Lazaranda, with its lovely, spacious patio, isn’t a first-time restaurateur operation. Owners Mario Letayf and Antonio Marquez are from Monterrey, Mexico, where they are involved in five successful restaurants. Marquez cooked for the likes of Gene Hackman and Brooke Shields at an ubertrendy French bistro in Santa Monica, CA, while Letayf’s administrative skills makes Lazaranda’s unusually diner-friendly concept viable. They’re a good team. Experience counts. Trusted relationships with purveyors count. In a location like Addison, with its numerous restaurant choices, the competition is tough. Sometimes – rarely – a restaurant is so well run and managed that throwing food cost to the wind to enhance the dining experience works, too. Lazaranda is such a restaurant. Tex-Mex this is not. And I’ll go you one better: Lazaranda is serving extremely high class Mexican food, the kind you’d feast on at a fancy dinner party in one of Mexico’s coastal resort towns or a high-end restaurant

in Mexico City. Dozens of overpriced Dallas seafood restaurants could learn a thing or two from the way Letayf and Marquez have set up their food rotation and menu. They mean to feed you plentifully and well at a price you can afford – and they’re succeeding. Imagine that, a concept that includes giving the diner an extraordinary value for exquisite food that’s prepared beautifully and served by people who are well-trained. Ask your server for recommendations; he’s probably sampled everything on the menu, which is as it should be. There’s no extra charge for the warm smile and charming attitude. Ribeye tacos and lobster tacos ($4.99 and $6.99, respectively) and a blue crab tostada ($5.99), featuring a large portion of lime and spice-marinated real blue crab – the kind you can’t find at sushi bars anymore – topped with red onions, cilantro, serrano oil and guacamole are on my list of favorites. And yes, Lazaranda makes their own fresh tortillas – on a real comal – from an ancient masa recipe. You can definitely taste the difference. If you’re wondering about the name, a zaranda is a special piece of equipment used to grill fish and meats over a fire. Signature dishes like the grilled beef tenderloin

with panela cheese, cactus leaves and caramelized onions top out at $21 for a hefty entrée-sized portion. Desserts are wonderful, especially the dense corn cake and thick, rich flan. I always grab a handful of the amazing little candies they keep in a bowl at the hostess’ desk. Pina coladas and (singing) “you put de lime in de coconut” concoctions have nothing on these beauties. Oh, and there’s a full bar.

Contact Info: 5000 Beltline Rd. Ste 850 Dallas, TX 75254 Neighborhood: Addison (972) 866-8900 www.lazarandadallas.com

American Idol Returns Another Year of that Damned Ryan Seacrest

is old news, for some reason, their format sticks better than the other talent shows on the air. Granted, the summer months promise the roudy America’s Got Talent. Simon Cowell’s latest endeavor, The X Factor, didn’t quite stack up to the monumental ratings AI had seen when he last graced their stage and NBC’s The Voice is definitely the step-child of the televised singing competition world. Last season American Idol seemed to branch out in terms of legitimate, recognizable talent. I’m not so naïve as to believe the “judges” actually have much to do with the way the actual competition is steered but I’m sure the powers that be decided they’d lay off

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on the usual contestants-you-loveto-hate in hopes that their ratings would remain in tact what with the new judges and all. Now, sadly, I’m old enough to remember the inaugural season of American Idol. I was a college student surrounded by aspiring musicians and songwriters and found the entire concept sickening. Who would pay attention to such tripe? To this day there really isn’t anything like walking into a favorite local venue to watch skinny, unkempt kids try and prove they are gods who deserve a shot at greatness. There is also nothing like watching good friends make real strides in their careers as the venues they book get larger and music finally

begins to pay the bills. Kids who were eight and nineyears-old were watching that same first season are now almost 20. They’ve started popping up in these televised auditions saying they’ve dreamed of nothing but winning American Idol since childhood and becoming a huge star. Last season both the winner and the runner-up were high school kids with this story and mind-set. They’d never performed in a bar to a bunch of unfriendly drunk people who were there for the $2.00 wells or toured the Southwest in a van with no air-conditioning and malfunctioning windows. The lessons that make our greats, well, great seem to be sugar-coated in Ford

By Hannah Allen comments@blitzweekly.com Every year in January the Fox Network graces us with the annual madness of American Idol. Last week the show rocked the premier of it’s 11th season with a tarted up Steven Tyler, conservatively dressed JLo and jersey-wearing Randy Jackson. I tuned in for a few minutes to see what Ryan Seacrest (the MOST annoying man in the world) was up to and if places like Atlanta still had freaks galore when audition season rolled around. Of course I was not disappointed. There were tons of embarrassing auditions and a few sappy but heart-warming stories accompanied by hillbillies blessed with the voices of angels. Although it seems American Idol

commercials and Grammy-winning producers before they even sing their first song rather than prove over time that their work is worth taking as seriously as they themselves take it. For all of my b!tching I do tend to watch the damn show. I hail it as my guiltiest guilty pleasure but last night even the way Steven Tyler still ogles blonde teenagers couldn’t shake the feeling that this was oldhat. I’d seen it one too many times. Maybe as a culture we LOVE the idea of unknown talent being among us, that someone who made our latte or sold us shoes has the capacity to be adored by millions. Or maybe we just hope Jennifer Lopez is about to get naked.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

Kenny G – It seems that even the soulful melody of his flute (…oh he plays the saxophone? Whatever.) couldn’t save Mr. G’s marriage. Kenny’s wife filed for legal separation last week. The couple has two kids. Looks like he’ll be playing the blues after she walks with half of his $50 million. Halle Berry – Is finally getting a good nights sleep after a man who has been stalking her, Richard “Little Scrappy” Franco, got 386 days in the slammer. Franco’s sentence has already begun. Halle also got her threeyear restraining order against Dick extended to 10-years. Poor Scrappy. Zoe Saldana – Is a real life hero, well sorta. Last week Zoe witnessed a pretty nasty car accident in L.A. that left an elderly woman banged up and bloodied. Zoe sprung into action and helped out the woman, called 911, and saved the day just like in Avatar.

By Vivian Fullerlove vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com When the creator of a multibillion dollar film franchise has a hard time getting a movie made in Hollywood, that says a lot about Hollywood. When that same filmmaker refuses to give up and gets the film made in the face of enormous skepticism that says a lot about the filmmaker. George Lucas’ new war action feature Red Tails is a passion project, to say the least and it has been a long time coming. It chronicles a group of African American pilots known as the Tuskegee Airmen who fought for the right to fight for their country. I sat down with the iconic filmmaker to talk about the film and why he fought for over a decade to bring the story of the Tuskegee Airmen to the big screen. Where did you first get the idea to tell this story? I’m not a flyer, but I love fast things. This is a project that came about from a friend of mine who was a photographer that shot for the Air Force. He told me about the story of the

Liam Neeson leads a ragtag bunch of roughnecks on a journey of discovery through the Alaskan wilderness. After being stranded in the middle of a frozen wasteland, a group of oil workers must brave incredibly hostile conditions to survive. While trying to avoid succumbing to the freezing temperatures, they soon find out they are not alone in the cold darkness. John Ottway is a solitary man, with a very “unique set of skills”. He works as a security sniper for any predators that may wander too close to their drilling operation. Haunted by the memory of an alcoholic father whose only true means of communication was through his thoughtful poetry. (Cue ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’) This may be the reason he seems to despise his detached

Red Tails, and I said, “Wow, that’s a really good idea for a movie.” So, most of us would assume, George Lucas wants to make a movie, and he makes a movie. How long did it take you to get this from idea to reality? I started on this around 20 years ago, and I just stuck with it. It has just been a project that I really wanted to do. I loved P51s. When I was young, which was the hottest airplane. I can’t believe some of these guys flying these planes were 19 years old, and then going into battle. It’s pretty stunning and amazing when you think about it. Being able to bring this to reality, to be able to stand there with the P-51’s is like the most exciting thing you can do. This is also a story about the men who made up this fighting unit. How important was the human aspect of this story

life “at the end of the world“. Although his aim is deadly accurate, he also has a thoughtful and profound respect for nature and does not relish his responsibility. His visions of his loving wife back home are persistent and he hopes to reunite with her as soon as he can tear himself away from this forsaken place. Director Joe Carnahan skillfully illustrates how dissention in the ranks can affect the cooperative nature in both humans and their fierce four legged foes. Obvious comparisons will be made to Alive the true story of a South American rugby team whose plane crashed in the Andes Mountains. The starving passengers had to resort to the unthinkable in order to survive. Rather than shy away from the comparison, Carnahan celebrates it, even mentioning it by name.

to you? The struggle for African Americans to fight during WWII, its part of the story, and you can’t tell the story without it. I wanted something a little more personal, something about the individual pilots and what they went through and the guys that loved to fly. How did you help your actors prepare for their roles in the film? We would have meetings with Tuskegee Airmen to make everything as accurate as we possibly could. We had a lot of sessions out on the ranch where we brought all the Tuskegee Airmen together and the cast together so they could have these weekends where they’d all talk to each other and tell these stories and do things so the actors could get into the real guys and who they are. You fought so hard to get this made, what is your goal or hope for the movie? By Fil Chapa chapa71@yahoo.com

The story of the Tuskegee Airmen is a big story, and it’s an amazing story. Just like Star Wars, it’s a big action picture with lots of dogfights lots of excitement, but it’s basically about a bunch of kids who went through an amazing journey and all came out heroes. They were the knights of the contemporary age, and I’m hoping this film is an inspiration to young people today. I have nothing more to say, except go see this movie tonight! It’s in theatres nationwide. The film is rated PG-13 for some sequences of war violence.

moviereview of The Grey

By Aeryn Ripley comments@blitzweekly.com

HollywoodProfile with George Lucas

January 25 – 31, 2012

Flannery, a young hotshot rookie, refreshingly interrupts the films’ somber tone. His “greenhorn” status does little to stifle his rock ‘n’ roll attitude. He even resembles Kurt Cobain and never misses an opportunity to stick his foot in his mouth, drawing the ire of his more seasoned his coworkers. Although definitely not for the faint of heart, it was surprising to see a film portray nature in all it’s fury without having to manufacture some made up creatures or fake scenery. The Grey goes from zero to six hundred miles an hour and back again right before your eyes. The ridiculous action sequences are surprisingly realistic and the quick pace keeps your eyes glued to the screen even during the film’s slower moments.

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January 25 – 31, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20 Photos Courtesy: Honda Motor Company, Ltd.

2012 Honda Civic Si review Fun to drive…that’s about it

By David Goodspeed dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com If it wasn’t broke, why did they fix it? That is a question many have had for Honda after they released the 2012 Civic earlier this year. As with the rest of the model lineup, the sporty Si was made over for 2012, enhancing a low, sleek athletic appearance with a long windshield rake, one that raises some criticism due to the design and construction challenges because of it. Honda continues to employ the split-level instrument panel in the new model and as such some folks will continue to admire it while others are polarized away from that emotion. Ride and handling has been changed in the new model and for Si the suspension receives some added tuning and tweaking that results in the sport models riding .4-inches lower than non-Si models. Powertrain upgrades also ran the gamut of the rollouts and Si now sports a 2.4-liter i-VTEC inline four-cylinder engine. Gone is the nine-grand redline but added is four more horsepower and a resoundingly fun 31 more lb. ft. of

torque that comes to life in the midto upper-band. Drivers get a clear sense of the new engines performance range courtesy a set of i-VTEC engine rev idiot lights in the upper left portion of the dash panel. Taking the vehicle to its new limit of seven grand on the tachometer gets you four amber lights and an illuminated red i-VTEC indicator, not to mention a fun driving experience. As with previous generations, the 2012 Si gets body and interior enhancements that include stylish 17-inch alloy wheels, body-color deck lid spoiler, fog lights, chrome exhaust tip, aluminum shift knob, aluminum pedals, and firmly bolstered perforated sport seats. Seats, shift knob and steering wheels receive contrast red Si stitching. A new “intelligent” multi-information display screen at dash top right offers an exclusive power monitor on Si models but to the point where pushing the limits of the new powertrain may have drivers tempted to take their eyes from the roadway where they belong to competing

displays in the dash panel. On the road, the new Si has its hits and misses. While the added powerband boost is greatly appreciated, the hanging engine revs when one takes their foot off the gas and depresses the clutch is disconcerting and when downshifting even caused my review unit to lurch a bit when I was slowing for turns and such. Hmmmm. Engine noise is, well, atrocious. Only when pushing the i-VTEC into its powerband does one get more pleasing-sounding (intake) feedback from the engine compartment but one cannot drive that way continuously (I should know, I tried). Steering feel is a bit dull and at times I felt as though the front tires were barely making a full contact patch with the pavement. I would have preferred a bit more resistance in the wheel along with reduced pitching of the vehicle even when operating on smoother stretches of pavement. I also felt the sport shifter was a bit too tall with gear throws a bit too long to be called sporty. To be

fair, given the amount of aggressive shifting I did in the vehicle it never went somewhere I did not wish it too, a rare accomplishment at this level. Fuel economy has been greatly improved across the 2012 Civic lineup. Our 201hp Si tester came in at 22 mpg city and 31 mpg highway although my testing varied with EPA figures being disproportionate to the number of engine rev lights illuminated. While offered in both sedan and coupe models, our tester was of the (preferred) latter in Si trim with base pricing of $23,705 and final MSRP at $24,475. Perhaps the biggest hit Honda took with the newest Civic is losing

the “Recommended” rating from Consumer Reports. Just before the holidays, CR announced it would put that label on the Si version of the model given the slight differences between it and Civic models previously tested this year. While I do not have the reputation of the Consumer Reports rating system, my recommendations would simply come down to this: Based solely on fun factor I would recommend the 2012 Honda Civic Si – beyond that, not so much.

The Difference Between a Man and a Boy is the Price of his Toys! these are for sure to make your want list! Scooter Backpack Designer Gustavo Brenck has figured out an even cooler way not to ever get a date again and be a shoe in for Schmuck of the Year honors by combining a backpack with a scooter. The “Gig Pack” is hailed as “urban transportation” so you can ride it to the porn shop, because you are sure as hell not riding it to any dates.

Kelvin.23 Super Tool This pint-sized overachiever will become your new best friend with its ability to fix almost every problem you encounter: loose screws, power outage, something needs hanging, IRS auditing…well ok maybe not the last one. But the 16 screwdriver bits, LED flashlight, liquid level, and tiny hammer should take care of everything else. Price: $25

Price: TBA

Cross Promoting Video Games

By Ashly Anderson www.almostnerdy.com

Cross-promotion is not a novel concept these days. Companies give shout outs to one another throughout various products to help promote one another, and the result is usually beneficial to both parties. However, the idea of doing this in the world of video games - where companies are heavily competing with Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

one another to ensure continued financial stability - is indeed something to talk about. Recently, BioWare and 38 Studios have taken this concept to a new level. Downloading the demo to 38 Studios’ Kingdoms of Amalur unlocks a unique set of armor and a weapon for Commander Shepherd in the release copy of Mass Effect 3. Likewise, downloading the Mass Effect 3 demo when it launches in the next few weeks will unlock a very cool set of N7 armor for your character in the finished King-

doms of Amalur release. Now, to be fair, both of these games are being published by Electronics Arts, so it’s not two companies that have no connection to each other that are doing this. However, for the items to look as good as they do across both games, it’s clear that both developers were enthused about the idea of giving each other a little push. In a world where every game could be a developer’s last (if it fails to sell well), it’s nice to see a little teamwork like this every now and again.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

Q: Why do farts smell bad? A: So deaf people can enjoy them too. Q: Why do men pay way more for car insurance? A: Because women can’t get blow jobs while driving.

Blitz Funnys

Cunning Executive A cunning executive was having an affair with his young secretary. Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary’s house. When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends. One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary’s house. When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off. By the time he arrived home, the executive’s wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been. “I am not going to lie to you,” he said, “I am having an affair.” His wife angrily looked him up and down and said, “Bullsh!t, you’ve been playing golf.”

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Celebrating your birthday party at The Lodge will be great until you realize that the girls actually want you to tip them for the entertainment. Pisces February 19 – March 20 You’re someone who likes to call ‘em like you see ‘em, which is a problem since you’re on one helluva acid trip. Aries March 21 – April 19 Congratulations on finally discovering the greatness of the internet. Now what will you do with all of your VHS pornos?

He Snooze, He Lose Jesse Dimmick of Denver told a Topeka, Kansas, judge he was suing Jared and Lindsay Rowley for failing to fulfill a verbal contract the three of them had made... while he held them hostage. He was suing the Rowleys for breach of contract, swearing they’d agreed to protect him from police, for money. Yet, he complained, he was still arrested just minutes after dozing off to sleep. (His case was tossed by the judge.)

Taurus April 20 – May 20 The look on your face will say it all when after eating about half of your free hot dog you find veins on it! Gemini May 21 – June 21 You’ll be reported missing in Yemen this week, which only goes to show how far you’ll go to avoid calling Frank back. Cancer June 22 – July 22 You’ll finally meet the girl of your dreams when you are stuck in a diabetic coma later this week.

Busy Hands Are Happy Hands As of early 2012, Trent Arsenault has fathered 14 children, without having even one intimiate contact. Calling himself a “donorsexual,” this 36-year–old virgin says he plans to stay that way, “I’ve committed 100 percent of my sexual energy for producing sperm for childless couples to have babies.”

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 It’s widely accepted that make-up sex is the hottest, so it’s best that you don’t visit your parents this weekend.

Leo July 23 – August 22 You’re beginning to develop a reputation as a “party pooper” but that’s mainly due to the fact that you keep crapping in the punch bowl.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Wearing that “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt to the company office party wasn’t one of your brighter ideas.

Virgo August 23 – September 22 It may be true that the best things in life are free, but you’re the type of person who never worries about quality. Libra September 23 – October 22 Your life will take a horrible turn, when you are presented with the first ever “Golden Jackass” award.

ACROSS: 1. Explosion 6. Water source 10. Chair 14. Not upper 15. Dogfish 16. Sort 17. Convex molding 18. Smudge 19. Weightlifters pump this 20. Plastic wrap 22. Adriatic resort 23. Long ago 24. A large dark-red oval organ 26. Balcony section 30. Greatest possible 31. A large open vessel 32. False god 33. Not nights 35. Shy 39. He fights blazes

41. A dais 43. Colonic 44. Fender blemish 46. Tall woody plant 47. Before, poetically 49. Hog’s home 50. Pile 51. Seductive 54. Scrabble piece 56. Religious splinter group 57. Graniteware 63. Diva’s solo 64. Pear-shaped instrument 65. Unexpired 66. Teller of untruths 67. Biblical garden 68. Lacquer ingredient 69. Countercurrent 70. Exam 71. Shooting sport

A Sorry, Shameless Sheriff San Francisco’s first new sheriff in over 30-years, Ross Mirkarimi, said his swearing-in January 8, 2012 was “One of the happiest days of my life.” Five-days-later, still on his career honeymoon, Sheriff Mirkarimi was arrested by his own deputies, charged with battery for beating his wife.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 People say that you lack the vision and intensity to rise beyond your own mediocrity, but for some reason you don’t think that there’s a problem with that.

DOWN: 1. Coalition 2. Great affection 3. Absent Without Leave 4. Peddle 5. A group of soldiers 6. A bathroom sink 7. Sympathy 8. King of the jungle 9. Most recent 10. Spontaneous abortion 11. Lofty nest 12. Any animal with no feet 13. Mortise and _____ joint 21. Chinese “bear” 25. Short golf shot 26. Vitality 27. Norse god 28. Pierce 29. Primary 34. Tender feeling

36. Filly’s mother 37. Bright thought 38. Very intense 40. Assign a grade 42. Pizazz 45. Demesnes 48. Shoelace hole 51. Climb 52. Sensational 53. Homeric epic 55. Santa’s helpers 58. Naked 59. Travel on foot 60. Away from the wind 61. Frost 62. Modify

Solution on Page 18

Q: What’s a brunette’s mating call? A: “Has the blonde left yet?”

January 25 – 31, 2012

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January 25 – 31, 2012

The CLOSER

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

Should School Teachers Be Idolized?

Saint Arnold Bock Brewed by: Saint Arnold Brewing Company ABV: 6.40% Since the weather is cooling off warm up with this Texas classic! It pours a deep clear copper with quite a bit of lacing. Smells pretty much like a typical bock, not overly fragrant. After the initial bitterness it is followed by a sweet caramel malt and fruit flavors. It is medium in carbonation with a clean finish. A good solid brew. Los Blancos Nine Robusto Wrapper: Nicaraguan Habano Corojo Oscuro Binder: Nicaragua Filler: Nicaragua Strength: Medium The consistent packaging of this brand is well documented and the wrapper is nice and dark without many veins. The scent is pleasant. The initial sweet flavor soon subsides and the spices come out. The dominant flavor of creamy coffee is there with a bit of cocoa and earth. The full flavor will be enjoyed without overwhelming strength. Amaretto Sour Ingredients: 1 1/2 oz Amaretto Almond Liqueur 1 - 2 Splashes Sweet and Sour Mix Mixing Instructions: Pour the Amaretto Liqueur into a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice cubes. Add a splash or two of sweet and sour mix, and shake well. Strain or pour into an oldfashioned glass, garnish with a maraschino cherry and a slice of orange, and serve.

By Joe Stumpo www.darthstumpo.com President Obama’s remarks last July about how teachers and not celebrities like Snooki should be idolized in this country got me thinking about who I thought were the best teachers from high school on up. Overall, the number of who I found were the best instructors throughout my life is far less than the number of survivors rescued at the end of oceanliner disaster movie, The Poseidon Adventure. I was thankful, for example, that my freshmen Algebra teacher Mr. McClusky, who also doubled as the school’s winning basketball coach and who I was told by a fellow classmate that the guy supposedly hated freshmen, that he came off as a drill sergeant when he taught class. I wouldn’t be surprised if any students heard his voice clear across the hall as he yelled at the students for making stupid mistakes when they did algebra problems. He always called me “Joseph” when he called on me –a name that is only used by my mother. Whenever the students did lousy on the tests, Mr. McClusky would make them redo the problems again and then write ten times, “I will not make silly mistakes.” I could have used someone like him for Algebra II that I took sophomore year and Geometry junior year where I learned next to nothing. Taking those two upper level courses, I still to this day wonder who was more of a joke. Was it my fellow classmates, most of whom did nothing but pass notes, talked during class, steal other’s homework and cheated on tests? Or was it the instructors who didn’t know crap about how to control a class when they got out of line? I didn’t care too much for Mr. Poundstone, my junior year Ethics instructor who attended Oxford because he wasn’t one to give any sort of multiple choice tests nor did he believe in

Photo Courtesy: Morten Oddvik

giving extra credit assignments. His tests were always essay and short answer questions where he wanted to actually know if you knew the material. The same went for Father Martin, the Social Issues instructor I had senior year who taught the class like it was a college course, which in a way, it was. Once I started attending college, I got the impression college professors didn’t give a damn whether or not you attended their class. If you didn’t study and show up, you failed. It was not their job to keep after you like your parents. Dr. Bridges, my media law instructor who I also later took his Reporting II class, however, got on to me for not taking his journalism courses seriously. He also had no qualms about embarrassing a student when they stepped out of line. Dr. Bridges during the first week of the Spring semester asked me why I was not in his Reporting II class at the time and was instead working on a story for the college newspaper I

Name: Emily Jones Team: Fox Sports Southwest Stats: Sideline goddess and reporter for every team you actually care about, who combines a sense of humor with spot on analysis not to mention she’s waaaaaaay cooler than you. Ladies & Gentlemen here’s Emily. Most unexpected perk of your job The great baby gifts that I got when my son was born. I got some pretty thoughtful gifts. Favorite sports moment of all-time I would say probably the clench in Oakland last year for the Rangers.

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got drafted into doing. He didn’t accept the excuse and told me in front of some other students who were in the lab working on their stuff that I had better get my priorities straight. Given the great number of red marks I got on my news stories in his Reporting II course, which suggested I did not know how to write worth a damn, I started wondering if the teacher who taught me Reporting I where I got a better grade than the C I got from Dr. Bridges at the end of his course knew what she was doing. Are these the kind of instructors President Obama would like to see “idolized” on the front covers of magazines as opposed to celebrities? Were these the kinds of instructors who made a difference in my life? I am not sure. As I said, I didn’t care much for their strict teaching methods. At least, however, I walked away learning the material and realized there is no such thing as an easy A.

First job ever I was a bank teller in high school during the summer. I was on the Junior Board of Directors at Hale County State Bank in Plainview, TX and through that I got a job working as a teller in the motor bank. Coolest thing that you own I have a ball signed by the Cleveland Indians team that went to the World Series in 1995. The ball is signed by the entire team and it was given to me by my godfather Mike Hargrove. Best restaurant in the city Del Frisco’s, I’m a Fort Worth girl. Last song that was stuck in head Nicki Minaj - “Super Bass”

Board Game that you kick butt in It’s not a board game but, Catch Phrase. Last time you just broke out dancing Probably while working out not too long ago. Alien that you’d rather have as a houseguest E.T. or Alf Oh E.T. for sure, he’s adorable.

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 20

January 25 – 31, 2012

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