Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

BEAST OF ADDICTION WHEN ALCOHOLISM BECOMES NOT-SO ANONYMOUS By Keysha Hogan @TheKeysha

O SPORTS NEWS ON DECK 3 BAD BOYS BAD BOYS 3 SUPER STUFFED 4 MAVERICKS NEWS 6 STARS NEWS 7 THE 2011 NFL SEASON 8 THE HIGH PRICE OF DIVORCE 8 COVER STORY SIX SCENTS 9 CUPID SUCKS 10 VD RECOVERY KIT 11 TAKE 1 FOR THE TEAM 11 BLITZ BABE OF THE WEEK JESSICA 12 BLITZ ENTERTAINMENT Josh Wolf 13 Seven Things in Seven Days 13 Restaurant Review 14 Is That An App? 14 Hollywood Shuffle 15 Hollywood Profile 15 Movie Review 15 Auto Review 16 Gadgets 16 Joystick 16 BLITZ FUNNYS Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 THE CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 Kissing The Gals Goodbye 18 2-Minute Drill 18 Publisher Kelly G. Reed

Editor C. Patterson

Graphic Designer Damien Mayfield

Photo Editor Darryl Briggs

Cover Photographer Kevin McShane Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Hannah Allen, Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Judy Chamberlain, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, David Goodspeed, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith, Jesse Whitman Contributing Photographers Keith Allison, Martyna Borkowski, Sonny Capps, Dominic Ceraldi, Shane L. Cuthbert, Kevin Dooley, Manny Flores, Mark Freeman, David Goodspeed, Chris Lees, Jordan Lipofsky, Chase McAlpine, Kevin McShane, Steven Newton, Bradley Park, Nancy Parvana, Michele Pili, bucklava,Cotton, filmvanalledag, MacDX1, Photo Giddy, PresidenBertho, Tatiana P.

n July 7th, 2011 at the Ballpark in Arlington a Brownwood firefighter named Shannon Stone fell after attempting to catch a ball thrown to him by Josh Hamilton. As I watched from home, I was texting friends at the game and hoping for a full recovery. While being transported to the hospital, Stone went into full cardiac arrest and was pronounced dead within an hour after the incident. Collectively we learned of his young son, his dedicated service to his fellow fireman and his love of baseball. This was without a doubt, a tragedy. While the announcers tried to remain solemn as they called the rest of the game, the camera kept panning back to Hamilton. And I sat at home searching his face for clues. Those of us that have had an addict in our lives know about triggers. We manipulate situations to make sure nothing sets them off. We whisper to mutual friends about what kind of drinks will be served and who will be in attendance. Are they agitated? Annoyed? Is this reminding them of something bad? We do these things in an attempt to soften the blows of life. We want our friends and family to recover from the disease of addiction, but often our protection isn’t enough. After the funeral and memorial services were held the season continued on. The Rangers’ post season was full of excitement and ginger ale showers. The World Series was brilliant and tense to watch, so I can only imagine the range of emotions those players fought with through seven games. But all the while, I’m certain the residual feelings from the death mixed with all of his other private issues had lingered from the fall into the holidays. Now, we’ve all seen the Hamilton support system in action before. Hamilton’s wife Katie was probably cheering his recovery and strength. That night at the bar, fellow Ranger Ian Kinsler even questioned Hamilton’s resolve after sensing that something wasn’t quite right. But at the end of the day Hamilton’s disease convinced him he was fine, lied and sought out to reclaim him.

Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison

The friends, family and teammates of Hamilton are going to be carrying around their own heavy doses of regret when they recall all the ways they could have prevented this relapse. But honestly, recovery isn’t a straight path. Just watch an episode of Intervention on A&E, and you’ll see the heartbreak of loved ones that are struggling to keep their addict afloat. In the countless re-airings of Hamilton’s press conference we saw him apologize and express how he’s let everyone down, but actually I’m not really disappointed in him. We know the process is a lifelong one and that relapses will occur. Everyone can take some solace that he came forward and sought help soon after the incident. Setbacks like these can occur at any given time, and can be caused by a variety of reasons. But unfortunately the bottom line is: Addiction is a beast. It tears apart dreams, families, and lives on a daily basis. In the midst of their struggle we must offer our support and remember that their sobriety is worth fighting for, and we are prepared to fight.

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

@rainnwilson

All those Patriots Superbowl XLVI CHAMPIONS hats & shirts are already on their way to the Congo.

If you or someone you know is battling addiction call the 24/7 Addiction Hotline at (877) 579-0078.

Contributing Writers Lauren Aiken, Joyce Alexander, Cote Bailey, Mika Bradford, Sonny Capps, Keysha Hogan, Mateeka Lanee, Aeryn Ripley, Joe Stumpo

RainnWilson

YAY, YOU’RE FAMOUS! SO YOUR CELLMATES WILL KNOW YOUR NAME!

Lien On Me The Queen Bee is going into the Cooperstown of taxes by piling up a $1,026,862.42 lien. Lil’ Kim owes back taxes to the U.S. of A for every year from 20022009. Kim’s people are diligently working with the IRS and federal authorities to resolve this issue. Uncle Sam’s unofficial reply was “just pays us $1,026,862.42 and we’ll call it even.”

Call ‘em How You See ‘em Denver Broncos running back Knowshon Moreno should “know” the meaning of irony after being arrested for a DUI earlier this month. Where’s the irony, you ask? Well, Mr. Moreno was driving his Bentley with the license plate “SAUCED” at the time. Knowshon was doing 70 in a 45 in a construction zone and according to the arresting officer reeked of booze. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

FEBRUARY 8 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 14, 2012

VOL. 4 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; ISSUE 22 Photo Courtesy: Chris Lees

SUPER STUFFED POST-GAME OVER EATING AND INDIGESTION By Mika Bradford CN, CPhT comments@blitzweekly.com

uper Bowl Sunday 2012 has come and gone however, those of you who may have over indulged in chips, dips, queso, wings, and spirits most likely felt symptoms of indigestion and bloating for many hours that followed. For some people, stomach discomfort after eating is a daily occurrence that may impact every choice a person makes when deciding what to eat when at home or out with friends and family. Many things can contribute to indigestion and bloating like, over eating, spicy foods, seasonings, or eating foods that are typically avoided. Many people find that foods they were once able to eat without any recourse now cause discomfort. This can be from a decrease in the production of digestive enzymes that are naturally produced to support the breakdown of specific food proteins. Lactose is a perfect example of a sugar that naturally occurs in milk and dairy products that can wreak havoc on the digestive tract. Lactase is the digestive enzyme that breaks down lactose. As we age the natural production of digestive enzymes decreases, explaining why some foods we once enjoyed are now able to cause excruciating pain and discomfort. Dairy products are just one category of foods that can cause bloating and gas. If dairy products do not seem to be a problem for you it may be worth taking another look at the kinds of foods you have eaten when stomach discomfort sets in. Meats, fibrous vegetables and sugars can also contribute to digestive discomfort. You could be one

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of the thirty percent of Americans who have been found to have fructose malabsorption. Fructose malabsorption occurs when the transport of fructose through the wall of the small intestine is impaired which leads to a buildup and accumulation of fructose within the small intestine. This result leads to bloating and the buildup of gas after meals with excessive amounts of sugar, fruits or foods that have naturally occurring sugars. Regardless of what is causing your reoccurring stomach discomfort there are a few steps you can take to minimize the side affects you experience. Begin with trying to identify the specific foods you eat that may directly cause discomfort and limit those foods. Also consider eating those foods early on in the day or first thing when attending evening events in order to avoid reflux and stomach pain late at night or when going to bed. One comprehensive approach that addresses almost all food groups is to take a digestive enzyme supplement with each meal. Digestive enzymes come in a variety of formulas and are forms known for helping in the breakdown of the foods being eaten. Digestive enzymes can be readily found at health food stores and specialty nutrition stores. Enzymes can be found from various plant or animal source depending on the specific enzymes and the formula you need. If you decide to try a digestive enzyme formula be sure to take it at the beginning of the meal and not on an empty stomach unless specified by your physician.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

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FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

MAVS STRUGGLE AS DIRK FINDS HIS STROKE By Geoff Case @geoffcase

UPCOMING SCHEDUL SCHEDULE: UL LE: E: 2/8 @ Nuggets 8:00 p.m. 2/10 @ T-Wolves 7:00 p.m. 2/11 Trail Blazers 7:30 p.m. 2/13 Clippers 7:30 p.m.

t’s been a rough week for the Mavericks 5-of-21 from the field. Delonte filled in for who are now riding a three game losing Kidd during his first injury stint and guided streak. However there is a bright light on Dallas to a 4-0 record. However, West was the horizon. During the last two games scoreless Saturday with five assists and their superstar Dirk Nowitzki started to two steals in 20 minutes. The Mavericks look like his usual MVP self. Dirk Now- are going to need someone to take over itzki scored 24 points for Dallas against the scoring load while Nowitzki gets back Cleveland last Saturday, which ended up to being his former self and the young playbeing a historic performance even though ers with fresh legs need to have more of an impact. Strangely one of those the Mavericks blew guys Ian Mahinmi, registered a 15 point first half a DNP-CD in Cleveland. Ian lead. Nowitzki passed had been having a breakout Elgin Baylor for 22nd season in his first year in a true place on the NBA’s backup role. While he’s been scoring list but even in a bit of mini slump recently that couldn’t brighten he didn’t get off the bench for his sprits after such a the first time this season against tough loss to an infeCleveland. The result was rior team. “It’s ugly, esthat the high-energy center for pecially since we have the Cavs Anderson Varejao, to sit on this one for a scored 17 points and grabbed couple of days,” Now17 boards. For the Mavs to itzki said. “We’ll enjoy have any chance this year they our day off, the best we need guys like Mahinmi to step can, and come back to up and for his head coach to work.” The Mavericks trust him to make an impact no struggles appear to be matter the matchup. conditioning related. The Mavericks lack of condiWhen the Mavertioning and compressed schedicks come back out ule is also resulting in an inordiafter halftime it seems nate amount of turnovers. The like it takes longer Mavs are still 9th in the league than usual the squad of taking care of the ball, but in to regain their rhythm. Photo Courtesy: Manny Flores the last three games the team Nowitzki himself talks openly about the Mavs struggles in the has shown signs of sloppy basketball. The third quarter. He missed all five of his remaining core from last year’s championshots in the Mavs’ 13-point third quarter ship team combined for 28 turnovers over as the Cavs outscored them by 14 points the last three losing efforts. While Jason to take a 70-64 lead. “It was just another Kidd’s absence is really being felt in this bad third quarter,” Nowitzki said. “We category, you can’t ignore the veterans are talked about having bad efforts coming the ones responsible for more than 60% of out of halftime and (Saturday) was another the team’s turnovers. The Mavericks simply perfect example of it. They (Cleveland) re- need to relax and play smarter basketball ally took it to us and really picked up their until they can get their game legs back into energy.” They managed just 13 points and shape. They are struggling early but so were outscored by 13. Dallas has now are the other older veteran heavy squads. scored 20 points or less in eight of their Seasons affected by the NBA lockout can last 12 third quarters. They are now 2-6 in always be misleading but as long as Mavs can make the playoffs they should be okay. those games. Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle made There will be struggles during this season a change in the starting lineup Saturday but I believe that getting everyone healthy against the Cleveland Cavaliers. Rodrigue and ready for the postseason should conBeaubois, who had started in place of the tinue to be one of the Mavs’ top priorities. injured Jason Kidd in the previous four Mavs fans should take a deep breath and games, returned to the bench as Delonte wait for entire roster to get on the same West took over as the starter. Beaubois page before judging what this team’s ceilstruggled in his previous two games, going ing is.

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

Dallas Polo Club

LE A R N T O P L AY P O L O STARS SEARCH FOR AN ANSWER By Tony Barone tbarone@blitzweekly.com

he Dallas Stars are starting the stretch drive of the 2011-2012 season, and find themselves in a battle for the eighth and last playoff spot in the Western Conference with at least three other teams. It is becoming more and more obvious that the Stars can not compete with this year’s elite teams, as evidenced by the 5-2 thumping the Stars endured in San Jose after the All-Star break. This leads to a lot of speculation on what new owner Tom Gaglardi and GM Joe Nieuwendyk will be willing to do to improve this team as the February 27 trade deadline approaches. And this will be Nieuwendyk’s first trade deadline without financial restrictions looming over him. With Gaglardi now running the show, Stars fans have expected some sort of change or splash already. He understands one of the biggest weaknesses on this team is the lack of scoring depth on the top two lines. Here’s what Gaglardi had to say in a recent interview with the local media:

UPCOMING OMING NG SCHEDUL SCHEDULE: LE: 2/9 @ Blue Jackets 6:00 p.m. 2/10 @ Sabres 6:30 p.m. 2/12 Kings 5:00 p.m. 2/14 @ Red Wings 6:30 p.m. over from scratch for the next few years. The Stars had their second Hall of Fame recognition night of the season last week, in honor of former goaltender Ed Belfour, who was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame earlier this season. Belfour played in 307 regular season games as a member of the Stars, compiling a 160-95-44 record with a .910 save percentage, 2.19 goals against average and 27 shutouts. He won a Stanley Cup with the Stars in 1999 and played in 73 playoff games for the club during his tenure, registering 44 wins and eight shutouts.

NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG

C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1

“Are we looking at making our team better in the top six? The answer is yes. If that means more payroll, are we prepared to do it? The answer is yes. The question is what is the cost?” “If you look at the age group of our players, we are still a young team,” he said. “Jamie Benn is the next Mike Modano; he’s only 22. Does it make sense to bring in a guy that’s 35 years old to make the playoffs this year? I don’t think so. We want to build around our young guys and be an up and coming team where we know we are going to be good for several years. That is where Vancouver is right now; they put the team together, stuck together, and is now having success. This is where Chicago is and Boston, too. That’s the way to do this thing. You can’t go out and trade for a bunch of things.” Gaglardi knows the Stars can’t be a low-payroll team to not only compete in the NHL, but also compete in the Dallas market. The Stars are falling behind in relevancy and while making the playoffs this season is important but not necessary, they also can’t afford to go into a full rebuilding mode that would essentially start this team

Photo Courtesy: Dominic Ceraldi

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FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

‘11 NFL SEASON

THE HIGH PRICE OF DIVORCE

By Cote Bailey @BlitzWeekly

By Frank LaCosta flacosta@blitzweekly.com

THE YEAR OF WRONGS

om Brady’s hope of revenge faded faster than the cheetah in the Hyundai commercial. Sure, he may have gotten his ass kicked twice by a guy that looks like Shaggy on Scooby-Doo, but he still gets to go home and um…fornicate the promo queen (or in his case Victoria Secret Angel and highest paid model on Earth Gisele Bündchen) so all-in-all I think it’s a wash. The 92nd NFL season drew to a close last Sunday night and it will go down in my history book (yes I am writing a history book, so don’t look at me like that) as a year of wrongs. Now before you start cursing and tearing the paper to shreds, not all these wrongs were bad – just wrong.

ATHLETES WHO PAID THE PRICE

ports stars are high profile members of society who in addition to facing the pressures of their chosen profession deal with reporters, paparazzi and home life. Like the rest of us divorce is a part of life and they are not spared its pain – emotionally or financially. Here’s a look at some of the most expensive divorces in sports history.

Kobe and Vanessa Bryant – The pair tied the knot back in 2001 and now the Black Mamba will be losing half of his $150 million fortune. Vanessa has also asked for spousal support, which Kobe has agreed to. Not too shabby for a high school dropout, not too shabby at all (pssst…Vanessa, call me). Settlement: $75 million

Exhibit A:

3. Greg Norman and Laura

Andrassy – They married in 1981 and 25 years later were divorced. Norman went on to marry tennis star Christine Evert in 2007 and divorced 18 months later. For the hat trick, Norman married yet again in 2010 to interior designer Kirsten Kutner, my guess is she’ll design one hell of a settlement property. Settlement: $103 million

Frank and Jamie McCourt – They filed for divorce one week shy of their 30th anniversary when Frank fired Jamie from her position as Dodgers CEO and she went all “Gimme half of the billion dollar baseball team” on him. Now Frank is trying to sell the Los Angeles Dodgers. Poor shmuck. He’ll see her again…in hell. Settlement: $130 million

Exhibit C:

The Year of the Touchback The powers that be decided that kickoffs should be moved up to the 35-yard line from its previous home at the 30 believing that “minimizing the running starts would reMichael and Jaunita duce the speed of collision.” What it did in actuality was Jordan – The two married during reduce the interestingness of kickoffs due to 2/3 of them Jordan’s second season with the winding up in the third row in some fat guy’s nachos. Bulls in a small Las Vegas wedding. 17 years, three children, and a Wilt Exhibit D: Chamberlain worthy list of groupies The Oakland Raiders later they divorced. Mike has got six 163. That’s the number of the most penalties in a season championship rings but couldn’t keep – ever. the one that mattered. Settlement: $168 million

6. Roman and Irina

Abramovich – Roman owns Chelsea F.C. (That’s real football wink wink) He married Irina a few months prior to being sent to prison for a shady business deal. The couple married in Russia before he acquired the majority of his wealth. They were married for 16 years. Settlement: $300 million

Bernie and Slavica Ecclestone – Bernie is the owner of Formula 1 in Europe. In 2008 the lovebirds flew the coop and filed for divorce after 24 years of marriage. They didn’t see eye-to-eye. She’s a six-foot tall former Armani model. He’s five-foot-four. They have two daughters. Settlement: $1.2 billion

9. Nick and Gill Faldo – The

10. Lance and Kristin

Exhibit E:

Aaron Rodgers MVP? Horse sh!t! Horse sh!t, I say. Too long have I sat back quiet as the Favre-slayer has had his rump kissed by the masses. No more! The evidence is all around you. Drew Brees passing for 5,476 yards in a season (that’s longer than my drive to work for crying out loud), Cam Newton in his first two games alone throwing for 854 yards, Rob Gronkowski - despite missing the Hail Mary catch - piling up 1,327 yards by the way is the most ever for a tight end, Darren Sproles with 2,696 all-purpose yards in one friggin’ season. And lets not even mention the fact that Peyton Manning must be the most valuable player on the friggin’ planet since his team who with him had nine-straight playoff apperances could only win two games without him. But nooooo, Aaron Rodgers is the MVP. Horse sh!t of the Mr. Ed caliber. VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

Jeff and Brooke Gordon – Jeff is a NASCAR legend but his marriage’s finish line arrived after seven years. Brooke did not receive alimony in the settlement. The judgment came down; take your millions and go! – Dictated but not read. Settlement: $15.3 million

second marriage for the golf star “banana balled” into the expensive marriage hall of shame in 1995 after Nick thought it was a good idea to start giving a “hole-in-one” action to a 20-year-old golf student. Gill took a nine iron to his bank account. Settlement: $11.8 million

Armstrong – I bet the Plano native wanted to get on his bike and “hi yo silver” after his ex-wife left with enough money to buy a small European country. They married in 1998 and had three children. They divorced at the end of 2003. Settlement: $14 million

Photos Courtesy: Manny Flores, Chase McAlpine, Steven Newton, Bradley Park, Jordan Lipofsky, Mark Freeman, Silverstone Circuits Limited, PresidenBertho, Cotton, Martyna Borkowski

The Lockout (March 11- July 25, 2011) The NFL Players Association and the team owners almost made this season the thing asterisks are made for – you know, other than Barry Bonds records – but managed to Tiger Woods and Elin resolve their differences all while giving the fans a collecNordegren – Everyone remembers tive 18 week long heart attack in the process. the drama surrounding the world wide guessing game of “guess the Exhibit B: IHOP waitress Tiger screwed” back Peyton Manning If Peyton’s neck could talk it would speak of a tragedy in 2009. It seemed Tiger slept with worthy of Shakespearian sonnets. In the same year that enough women to field a baseball the Colts slapped the franchise tag on trusty number 18, team – with three bullpen pitchers Peyton suffered a major setback from neck surgery and included – Elin was not amused. They his streak of 208 consecutive starts was no more. Pey- divorced after six years of marriage. ton’s injury sidelined him for the entire season and rel- Settlement: $100 million egated him to refereeing in Papa John’s commercials, oh how the mighty have fallen.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

B y

FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

L a u r e n

A i k e n

ologne is a bit of a touchy subject. Dab on a few drops and you’re a sex machine, overdo it and you’re suffocating everyone around you. Subtlety is key, along with proper application. When in doubt, stick to two spritzes and target areas of the body that generate the most heat: wrists, neck, back, chest and thighs. To play it on the safe side, purchase fragrances that come in spray bottles and refrain from using them in unison with a strongly scented deodorant or after-shave. Most

w w w . L a u r e n A i k e n . c o m

importantly, try it before you buy it. It’s important to see how it reacts with your skin and test its staying power throughout the course of your day. The following six scents are best sellers from Sephora. You might know Sephora as the store your girlfriend drags you in so she can try on makeup, but it’s also the store that carries the hottest new fragrances for men from luxury brands like Giorgio Armani, Gucci, Bvlgari, Cartier and Versace. Visit Sephora.com for locations.

Acqua Man A masculine fragrance born from the sea, the sun, the earth, and the breeze of a Mediterranean island, Giorgio Armani’s Acqua Di Gio has been a hit since it launched in 1996. Transparent and woody in nature, Acqua includes notes of mandarin, persimmon, jasmine and patchouli, and is recognized by women everywhere. Expect to reapply throughout the day to sustain a fresh combination of citrus and musk. $73 for 3.4 oz.

24-Hour Energy Inspired by the energy and allure of New York, 212 Men by Carolina Herrera is distinct, innovative, elegant and subtle all at the same time. If you’re a sensual guy looking for a warm, long-lasting scent that exudes style and panache, 212 might be your match. As spirited as the man who wears it, 212 includes notes of grapefruit, ginger, mandarin, sandalwood and musk. Even its bottle screams elegance and refinement. $74 for 3.4 oz.

Getting Warmer Born of an artistic clash in 1988, Dior Fahrenheit remains a distinctive fragrance today due to its unprecedented blend of bergamot, hawthorne, honeysuckle, violet and cedar. Fresh notes marry virile overtones to create a signature scent constructed around the extreme contrasts of hot and cold, subtlety and power. Fahrenheit comes packaged in a minimalist fiery red bottle that was inspired by a smoldering sunset. $74 for 3.4 oz.

Fade to Black A unique fusion of iced mango, silver armoise and patchouli noir, Polo Black by Ralph Lauren is a sophisticated fragrance that is appropriate for any occasion, day or night. Spritz some on before work and you’ll notice its refreshing, fruity top notes. By happy hour, its base notes will have emerged, giving off a bold, masculine scent. Spicy and citrus-infused, Polo Black is a daring scent for the modern man. $73 for 4.2 oz.

Let Freedom Ring Apparently if you want to snag a lady like Natalie Portman (Black Swan), you have to don the latest fragrance by Yves Saint Laurent. Her main squeeze, Benjamin Millepied, is the face of YSL’s L’Homme Libre, a classic scent with unexpected zing. Neither too woody nor too floral, Libre expresses the contagious power of freedom with notes of bergamot, violet leaves, basil, nutmeg, pink pepper and leather accord. $75 for 3.3 oz.

Forbidden Fruit Created by fashion designer Jean Paul Gaultier, LE MALE is a complex and intoxicating fragrance with a laundry list of ingredients including wormwood, bergamot, lavender, orange blossom, cinnamon and vanilla. For over a decade, it has been an object of desire for men and women alike, as it is a unisex cologne. But don’t let that scare you away. With just a dab, you’ll be the most interesting LE MALE in the world. $79 for 4.2 oz. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

Photos Courtesy: Darryl Briggs, Kevin McShane, Michele Pili

Compiled By Blitz Weekly Staff @Blitzweekly

Here are some Valentine’s Day horrorr stories to make you feel better about spending that special day alone.

Never Drink Tequila I SheKnows.com I “My boyfriend and I had been dating for a couple of months,” said Sheila. The two liked to have a lot of fun... By fun, she means alcohol. “We met at a bar - going out drinking was our thing,” she recalled. On that particular Valentine’s evening, Sheila decided to do a tequila shot. She would typically drink beers, but it was a special occasion. It can’t hurt. Sheila probably should’ve stopped at one, but she kept on going with the tequila shots. After three, it wasn’t long until Sheila’s stomach started to act up and before she could find a viable bathroom, she had vomited all over her boyfriend of two months! “We stayed together for a month after that,” she adds. “I don’t know if that night caused the breakup, but I definitely lost a little bit of sex appeal after it.”

These Are Magical Brownies I MainStreet.com I From Danny Wong at Blank Label: “My worst Valentine’s Day Experience has to have been when I was in high school. I was fed a ‘special brownie’ when I just thought my friends were being kind giving out brownies because of the special occasion. To my surprise, the brownies contained some [interesting] substances, which put me in a very strange mental state throughout the day. It was the first time I ever experienced such a thing and it gave me a HUGE head rush that knocked me out during one of my classes. After my nap, I strolled over to the nurse’s office to skip some classes and lay down for an hour before school let out. What happened after school was an interesting experience too - riding the NYC metro subway in the condition that I was. I met up with a friend (female, yes, but friend only) just to spend the day but naturally, being in the condition that I was in, and not being able to really take a proper handle of myself, I really blew that friendship for being ‘disrespectful’ for showing up the way that I did and failing to really be ‘present’ because while my body was present, my mind was floating on clouds.” Alrighty then. Lesson learned: don’t accept psychedelic hash brownies on Valentine’s Day.

Not So Clean Getaway I City Room I One Valentine’s Day, there was a huge snowstorm. My boyfriend called to urge me to stay at work (where my boss was offering to people up in the nearby hotel) rather than risk driving 35 miles home. But I had a special V-Day meal all prepped, and I insisted on going home. When I got there, I got stuck on the unplowed one-way road next to our apartment, and I called him to see if he’d help dig me out. His response was a very startled “Where are you?!” I assured him I was safe — and just outside. He yelled at me for risking it. And then I saw him … sneaking out of a house a block away … and it turned out that yes, he’d been cheating. Worst part: he went back to her place after our “discussion” and spent the night there. The “Light” of My Life I MarloThomas I My former husband was never into Valentine’s Day, so when he presented me with a box dressed to the hilt in wrapping paper peppered with hearts and a huge bow, I was shocked. I was excited and “first love” thrilled. My heart thumped in anticipation as I unwrapped the package. But the excitement came to an abrupt halt, and my heart flatlined, when I saw its contents. A car headlight. “I noticed you had one out,” he said. Loser Born on a Day for Lovers I TheExperienceProject I So you think you’ve had a bad Valentine’s Day.... Suppose it was your birthday, now that sucks. Not only did I have bad experiences, no one to share it with and the only things they so creatively give you is Valentine junk for your birthday.... like no roses please... I like tulips, no chocolate cause I don’t care for the crappy heart wrapping and nothing red, pink or white...UGH! Can’t go out to a restaurant ...its booked with lovers plus everyone is busy on your birthday, doing either the love do goo-goo eyes nightmare of hearing someone get engaged... and I feel like Porky pig drawn like a sucker. Ahhh, it’ll be another year sitting in my bedclothes cracking a beer and once again say cheers to myself one more year alone... thanks for the memories, they suck!

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The Swollen Member I OnlineDating.org I Nikki’s boyfriend was able to get his hands on a friend’s swank New York apartment for Valentine’s Day. They enjoyed a lovely dinner and got down to business quickly, rolling around on the floor, tearing each other’s clothes off. Apparently, his friends had cats and Nikki was terribly allergic. She started sneezing and tearing up, but she ignored her symptoms to continue with her steamy romp. Disaster struck when her parts were exposed to cat hair and immediately started to swell closed. So much for some Valentine’s Day fun..

Hey That’s A Nice Shirt! I Yahoo! I Valentine’s 08: [My first valentines actually having a valentine was the most messed up date ever!] My date apparently had a family emergency and we had to leave Chili’s...we had ordered and were waiting for our food when he got the call. I was nice enough to understand that his family was more important than our date and I asked him if he was okay. Moreover, we had exchanged gifts earlier - he gave me a teddy bear - and I gave him a Plushee that made a kissing sound, a shirt from Hollister, and expensive cologne. So on valentines, we decided to make it official after what happened, and three days later, while he was wearing the shirt and cologne I gave him- he breaks up with me.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

By Blitz Weekly Staff @BlitzWeekly

By C. Patterson - @an_editorialist

Ok, so we’re not actually talking about VD here, of course we mean Valentine’s Day but if you buy the wrong present or even worse forget about the day all together you will soon be seeing the inside of the local ICU. Here are some things to help you “get well soon” so to speak.

Lingerie Ok guys this is a gift for those of you in relationships two months or longer (anything under two months she’s only entitled to a stuffed bear from CVS). Pick something classy and try not to come off as the creepy hornball that she will never want to call again. This should cost you at least $75.

Problem: So you really like this girl and you’re trying to get to the next level with her but you just don’t know how. Well your friends here at BLITZ Weekly have got your back! Next time you’re at her house and she suggests watching a movie don’t cower away in fear of the dreaded “chick flick.” Instead of telling her you have to run home because “I think someone stole my car and I have to drive home and check it out” sit through the movie, tough it out and maybe just maybe your boys downstairs (yeah that downstairs) will thank you later. Get the popcorn, some Kleenex, and ready your shoulder soldier it’s going to be a long night. Here is a list of hormonally sensitive cinema she may put you through: The Notebook When they both croak in each other’s arms at the end she will immediately look at you with those “marry me” eyes, which may be bad for you my friend.

Spa Day

Bridget Jones’s Diary “Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs . . . [awkward silence] Dad . . . Hi.” Nice.

So you forgot Valentine’s Day but can remember Troy Aikman’s birthday, no problem. Nothing says forgive me like giving her a days worth of other men’s hands all over her. She will come home relaxed, rejuvenated and a little less mad at you. $250

Godiva Oh yes, the sweet aphrodisiac will put a smile back on her face and make her forget all about how you got drunk at the bar last week and asked her sister for her number…better yet you better buy two boxes. $95

Jewelry You didn’t think it would be that easy, did you? If buying underwear, chocolate, a spa day, and throwing in some flowers for good measure didn’t help it’s time to bring out the big guns. It’s time to take a trip to the land of credit card debt. And when shopping for forgiveness be sure to remember the rules of B.S.E – what’s B.S.E. you ask? Big. Shiny. Expensive.

When Harry Met Sally The deli scene will make the whole grueling 96 minutes almost worth it, almost. Pretty Woman Never has there been a more heartwarming story about a hooker. We get all misty-eyed just thinking about it.

Ghost Nothing says, “let’s get it on” like making pottery. And oh yeah, there will be dead people too! Titanic Hate to spoil it for ya, but the boat sinks at the end. Just saved you about four hours. You’re welcome.

My Girl It involves Macaulay Culkin and his parents are not leaving him behind on Christmas. Basically it sucks to be you. Steel Magnolias On second thought maybe you should go check on that stolen car. The English Patient The story of Candaules and Gyges from Herodotus is a thought provoking moment in the bitter monotony of this Oscar royalty classic.

The Devil Wears Prada Think that your boss is a tough S.O.B. wait till you get a chance to see Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly. Interns run like tourists when Kong turns the corner.

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FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

BLITZ BABE OF THE WEEK

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

JOSH WOLF A STAND-UP DAD By Mateeka Lanee’ mateekalanee.wordpress.com

omedian Josh Wolf spends a lot of time at Starbucks. In California, and for a parent with a full schedule, maybe this is considered normal. If you didn’t recognize his face or ask him to tell you a witty story about his kids, you wouldn’t really think twice about him, but this thin, scruffy-faced sports fan is a certified hero. Splitting his time between raising three children and hitting the comedy circuit, he’s a regular panel member on Chelsea Lately, as well as the show’s spinoff, After Lately. He caught the performing bug at age 16, when his father decided the best way to rid him of his smart-ass ways was to publicly humiliate him. He took him to a local comedy club and made him get onstage, to surprising – and positive – results. Years later he’s written for TV shows including Yes, Dear and Will Smith’s All of Us, saying of its famous creator, “he’s a really cool guy.” Between writing, performing, and parenting, he’s a busy man, but somehow still finds time to respond to many of the Tweets he receives from fans. He even had the time to chat with me about his career, affection for Bill Cosby, and what’s up next for his blossoming career, doing what comes most natural to him.

Q I You’ve been working in comedy for over a decade. How did you get your start? I just realized I wasn’t really good at anything else. There was no way I could wake up every day and do something semi-intelligent in the morning. Q I If you weren’t doing comedy, what would you be doing? I would probably be a baseball coach. I don’t think I could do high school [coaching], they have to wear very short shorts, it looks like their d*** is blowing a bubble. Q I How did you get started writing for TV? I sold a pilot for my own show…and stopped stand-up for four years to write and make other people funny. Q I How has being a parent influenced your comedy style? Well, all my jokes are about them. I’m very far from Bill Cosby, I don’t think he would like my act. Q I But I’ve heard Bill is one of your comedy heroes. He is. Bill sits on a stool for two hours, he’s not screaming or anything, but he holds your attention, that’s amazing. Q I I know you were writing for a film for the Happy Madison Production Company. Did you go to Adam Sandler with an idea for a script, did he come to you, or how did that happen? The movie is based on a true story of 13 kids in 1963 who were part of a traveling baseball team. The story was, the coach used the team as a means of committing a robbery in every city the team visited, a total of 12 banks. It came to be because the guy I wrote it with got the right to the story from one of the kids on the team, who’s now a pro baseball player. Q I Is there a title to speak of, or any additional details? We’re calling it The Untitled Rick Dempsey Project. Very original, right? Q I You appeared a few times on My Name is Earl in the past; is acting something you’re interested in doing in the future? Yeah, you know, we get to act on After Lately…I think I really like doing stand-up more, the rush of it, but I like acting too. Q I You’ve been a regular on Chelsea Lately. What’s it like working with her? It’s about as fun as it looks! Q I What can we look forward to from you in 2012? Well…I’m working on a show based on my life, a book in 2012, the Sandler movie, and I’m developing another feature [film]. Photos Courtesy: Calgary Reviews, bucklava, Nancy Parvana, filmvanalledag, Kevin Dooley, Keith Allison,Tatiana P.

WED. 2/8

THE FOOD TRUCK EXPERIENCE Sigels – Dallas Rock & Roll Tacos, Ruthies Rolling Café, Easy Slider, and Rockstar Bakes will be serving up the mobile cuisine for you every Wednesday night. 5pm.

THURS. 2/9

FAN HALEN House of Blues – Dallas Too broke for Van Halen tickets? Well H.O.B has the next best thing…Fan Halen! Bringing back the classics at a fraction of the price. 8pm.

FRI. 2/10

KELLY CLARKSON Verizon Theatre – Grand Prairie One of FW’s finest native children will be in town with her Stronger 2012 Tour. Special guest Matt Nathanson will join the American Idol alum. 7pm.

SAT. 2/11

HOT CHOCOLATE 15/5K RACE Fair Park – Dallas The sweetest race in DFW benefits the Ronald McDonald House of Dallas. Be sure to come out and show your support…we hear their goodie bags are friggin’ awesome. 7:30am.

SUN. 2/12

SCI-FI EXPO Irving Convention Center – Irving Nerds, geeks, and gamers unite! Check out Eliza Dushku and more this Saturday and Sunday if you’re coming dressed up we’ve got dibs on Optimus Prime. 11am.

MON. 2/13

MAVS VS. CLIPPERS AAC – Dallas Did you see Blake Griffin’s monster dunk last week? If you didn’t, Google it. Cardinal better let them know that there’ll be none of that in Texas. Additionally Caron should be getting his ring. Even though he plays for them we still have much love for him. 7:30pm.

TUES. 2/14

A CRAPPY VALENTINE RED CARPET PARTY Quixotic World Theatre – Dallas The carnival themed clubhouse is hosting one crappy Valentine’s Day red carpet video release party and it should be every bit of awesome. Begin your Deep Ellum love affair at 8pm.

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FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

CHOP HOUSE YEAR OF THE DRAGON By Sonny Capps hhhup88@gmail.com

nytime you involve your girlfriend in your plans, you better plan for those plans to change. As I returned from being out of the country I had given my girlfriend the duty for finding a “nice steak or chop house”. Being picked up at the airport she glows with her ability to have found “a new place I had never been to, and it’s just over here in Arlington”. My curiosity really starts peaking as we travel off the main highways and near the UTA campus. As she pulls in a somewhat old strip shopping center, I look at the signage….Yep she was right, 1) It said “Chop House”, and 2) I had never been there before. This by NO means is a high end steak or chop house, which was my intention for this evening’s dinner, and not “New”, just new to me, this is a burger joint, and the name?, you guessed it…”CHOP HOUSE.” There are two avenues to take from this point, having experience with women; I choose the ONLY option, which is “let’s eat!” As soon as I open the door and the char-grill aroma hits me, my question now is “why have I never been here?” There are couple of rooms to sit in if you’re eating here, both with big screen TV’s that may have been older than a few of the college kids eating here. There are a few items

IS THAT AN APP? PHONES AND HORMONES DON’T MIX By Jesse Whitman jwhitman00@gmail.com

Photo Courtesy: Photo Giddy

ince the moment our opposable thumbs first allowed the manipulation of rudimentary tools that facilitated increased nutrition and allowed our frontal lobes to grow, man has been enthralled and ever more dependent on technology. Mastery of nature and the increasingly specialized nature of agriculture and society has led us to where we stand now…in a super-connected world wide web of wireless computing power. A bevy of hand-held computing devices powered by thumbs! Each begging to be put to use with an ever expanding suite of applications--Apps--that run the gamut from ruthlessly absurd—Gottago, a preprogrammed call that helps fool your company with a seemingly genuine excuse to get you out of an awkward situation--to the sublimely eloquent (I am sure they are out there but I have yet to find one). So, the truth of the matter is that I am no expert on the ever-expand-

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on the menu other than a burger, but burgers are what this place is about. There are several variations to Chef Kenny Mills chargrill dead red meat burgers and they all sound eatable, from “The Chop House Burger”, down to the off the menu “Dragon Burger”. Plenty of extras to add if you need it, and a few sides, no booze, just sodas. I almost over looked the sidewall “specialty butter’s”... (Spreads) you can have put on the burger for extra flavoring. My girl is intrigued by the Carolina Burger, which is a blend of ground beef and smoked pulled pork, she gets the side of sweet potato fries, (picture) and seems thrilled at seeing my eyes brighten as I step to order. I couldn’t stand it, after seeing and hearing all this stuff about ghost chili’s, I see the placard on the counter for the Dragon Burger, made with the ghost chili, the placard even states...”Not for the mild or timid”, I went this far so I load the burger with onions, cheese, bacon, and since the burger has the ghost chili, I add the wasabi but-

ing market of apps. However, that does not mean that I can’t speculate on the potential for future app development. In fact, I fly in the face of Apple’s smug advertising campaign that suggests no matter how ridiculous I might wax “there is an app for that” I would counter and say, “Really? Is there an app for that?!” It is my understanding that among the apps out there, there is one where you can take a picture of any scabby, hairy, asymmetrical mole you can find and send it in for analysis by some sort of credentialed dermatologist. They will then send you some sort of cursory diagnostic and pronounce you melanoma or melanoma free, or possibly a hypochondriac. I would challenge this technology and invite developers to apply the same technological infrastructure to external STDs and under the guise of harmless amateur pornographic pursuits send said genital pics in

ter as well. If I’m going to try and show how brave I am, I’m going all the way. I may go down, but if I do it will be in flames. Instead of giving you a number, they issue you a little embossed placard with famous people’s names on one side and their accomplishments on the other. Neat spot, good crowd, couple of college kids and normal people, looking for a good burger, as far as I can tell I’m the only stuffed shirt here. They bring you your food by calling your name on the card. I take a quick bite of the Carolina burger and fries before I ruin my taste buds on the fire I ordered. The blend of the beef and pork is amazing;

for quick and reliable analysis and keep you STD free. But how does one even get that potential STD vector back to the boudoir? Well, is there an app for that?! I propose an Urban Spoon style multivariate pick up line app. You can constrain your app to one or more overall themes: cheesy, smooth, insulting, or generally harmless and good-natured pickup lines. Just set the parameters, shake and voila! The app produces a sure-fire come-on line that will help you pluck your disease ridden lust interest from their precarious bar stool and deliver them to your bedroom. “Did it hurt?” “Did what hurt?” “When you fell from Heaven, did it hurt?” “Ha ha.....You’re so funny. Does it burn when you pee too?” Well, despite what may come of these risk tolerant behaviors, there should be an app that will at least

fries are made from real sweet potatoes. Only two bite’s into the Dragon, the fire starts, I love spicy food, and make no mistake, this is one of them. I polish it off rather quickly, afraid to stop and then down two sodas as I wait for my girl to finish. Summary: Definitely best burger spot in mid-cities, maybe the metroplex, and worth a drive. Price, just a little more than a regular burger, but this is NO regular burger. Great atmosphere, location; is ok, but definitely worth it. Oh, if they still have the Dragon Burger, and if you’re man enough, give it a go, Fantastic! One thing…it’s just as hot coming out as it was going in….yoooouuch!

Chop House Burgers 1700 W. Park Row #116 Arlington, Texas 76013 817-459-3700 www.chophouseburgers.com

help you overcome the old Kenny Chesney dilemma of going to bed at two with a ten, and at ten waking up with a two. I propose the beer goggles app! It would utilize facial image recognition software and based upon a huge data set and cross-referencing of known beauty parameters it would analyze the geometry and overall morphological characteristics of said love interest and provide an un-alcohol addled diagnostic judgment per the target of your misguided lust. Of course, despite the best technology available…accidents will happen. Perhaps the most useful apps are still outside the realm of human realization yet, but if history is any indication…and necessity the mother of invention, then we will continue to see the expansion of apps in the hope that technology can and will, someday, mitigate the perpetual train wreck that is the human experience.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

HOLLYWOODPROFILE:

WITH

DENZEL WASHINGTON

By Vivian Fullerlove vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com

By Aeryn Ripley comments@blitzweekly.com Suzanne Somers – Officially buried the proverbial hatchet last week ending the 30-year-old feud with former co-star Joyce DeWitt. Things got bad when Somers was given the ol’ heave-ho from “Three’s Company” after five seasons. Somer’s character Chrissy Snow was sent to take care of her sick mother and never came back. Khloe Kardashian – Is claiming Self-Defense against a burly transgendered woman. This comes from the 2009 encounter between the two. Papers were filed at L.A.C. Superior Court. Chantel Spears says the reality star attacked her for telling Lamar he was “too young to be married.” Conrad Murray – Just got a new jail buddy. Michael Jackson’s own “Dr. Death” is now in a cell just mere feet away from Jackson’s former brother-in-law. James DeBarge, Janet Jackson’s ex-husband, is locked up next to Murray for weapon and drug charges. Family Reunion time!

he only thing better than Denzel Washington saving the day, is the brooding, alter ego, butt-kicking Denzel, and there is plenty of that in his new action thriller Safe House. Washington plays Tobin Frost, the most dangerous renegade from the CIA who resurfaces after a decade on the run. When mercenaries attack the South African safe house he is remanded to, a rookie operative (Ryan Reynolds) escapes with him. The unlikely allies must stay alive long enough to uncover who wants them dead. I sat down with the always brilliant Mr. Washington to talk about the film and shooting on location in South Africa.

Give me a little bit of the back-story on Frost. [He’s an] ex CIA rogue agent who has sort of sold his soul for money and power. I think in his mind he wants to get back at the CIA or the system in general and is willing to do anything to do that.

Your character in this film is not a nice guy. I think that Tobin Frost has been so isolated for so long, he doesn’t know how to feel. He doesn’t have feelings. He just knows how to use. He has no family, no relationships.

The film takes place in South Africa, what was it like shooting on location and how does that enhance the movie? I loved it, and I’m glad that Daniel (director Daniel Espinosa) wanted to do that to get the real texture and feeling to shoot in the townships. That’s one of the great things about Cape Town, it’s so diverse from downtown to

Any redeeming qualities? He just drinks good wine.

MOVIEREVIEW OF ALBERT NOBBS Albert Nobbs is a cinematic gem that takes the viewer on a surprising ride. At first, I assumed it would be a standard costume drama with a little genderbending twist. Instead, I discovered a compelling movie that explores the complexities of gender roles through the prism of 19th century Dublin, Ireland. The movie is filled with plot twists and turns that raise it far above the routine melodrama. Glenn Close is convincing in the title role of Albert Nobbs, a woman who dresses as a man in order to find employment. Wearing a bowler hat and proper Edwardian suit, she takes on the persona of a prim straight-backed waiter who performs his duties with skill and grace. She is so believable in the leading role of Albert Nobbs that when she attempts to wear

You had to go deep and dark in researching for this role. How did you prepare to play Frost? Scott Stuber (a producer on the film) gave me some great books to read one of them, which was The Sociopath Next Door that sort of became my bible that I would refer to in developing the character. I felt he was a sociopath.

a dress in one scene, it appears as if we are seeing a man dressing up as a woman. This film is a wonderful tale of the many characters that inhabit the small Dublin hotel where Mr. Hobbs works. Albert carefully navigates his way through the complex relationships in the hotel while showing proper deference to the hotel guests and the domineering hotel owner, Mrs. Baker, played by Pauline Collins. Albert Nobbs is a story about someone who hides more than gender inside the clothes that he wears. He hides his dreams for the future and his inadequate ability to interact with his others. Albert’s well-planned routine is thrown off-tilt by the arrival in the hotel of two new workers played by Janet McTeer

the townships to the mountains to the ocean it’s a very unique place; so, I really, really enjoyed doing that. Your co-star in the film is one of my favorites Ryan Reynolds. How was it working with him for the first time? Ryan’s contemporary, and Daniel were really set on him, and I just trusted him on that. Ryan is a very good actor who works very hard as well, and we just had good chemistry. He has an inherent innocence that I think was right for the part. What can audiences expect when they go see Safe House? There’s a lot of action, but there’s also psychological jousting, beautiful locations in South Africa and great characters and great actors playing the characters, and I think the style of the film is very unique. Safe House opens in theatres nationwide this week. The film is rated R for violence and language. By Joyce Alexander joycegalexander@gmail.com

and Aaron Johnson. Both workers have secrets and dreams of their own that ultimately upend Mr. Nobbs quiet life. At the center of the story is Albert’s relationship with the naïve maid Helen, played by Mia Wasikowska. Based on a short story by George Moore, Albert Nobbs was adapted for the screen by Glenn Close and John Banville. In 1982, Ms. Close won an Obie award for her portrayal of Mr. Nobbs in a 1982 off-broadway production called, The Singular Life of Albert Nobbs. The film has just been nominated for several Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awards (Oscar) including a best actress award for Glenn Close and best supporting actress award for Janet McTeer.

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FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

AUTOREVIEW: RANGE ROVER

Photos Courtesy: David Goodspeed

THE PRIDE OF SOLIHULL By David Goodspeed dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com t’s just arrived and I couldn’t be more pleased. It’s been quite a while since my absolutely favorite overall vehicle has graced this driveway for review, and to paraphrase an old saying, “Absence has made the heart grow fonder.” I am speaking of the flagship of the Land Rover fleet – the Range Rover Supercharged – and since it has been here last the model has received a bit of a makeover that includes a great new powertrain under the bonnet. The pride of Solihull, England and the guardian of her royal majesty has found its way back into my life, albeit for a mere half a fortnight. Range Rover is billed the most capable AND luxurious SUV in the world. When you see the price tag you will agree it darn well better be. In 2011 Land Rover gave its SUVs a set of all-new 5.0-liter V-8 engines (mirroring what sister brand Jaguar did across its lineup) while also

tweaking its innovative (and now copied) Terrain Response system and performing some minor cosmetic surgery as well. Beefy Supercharged models receive power output now boosted to 510hp and 461 lb. ft. of torque pushing this beast from 0-60 mph in just 5.9 seconds. That is quite the bragging rights considering the Rover would just as soon choose a mountain trail as it would the tollway for its travels. OK, the RR Supercharged is most likely going to become a victim of the stiffer fuel economy rules arriving soon but for now Land Rover is inviting everyone along for a memorable ride. This is the vehicle I will some day be telling my grandson about, you know, those stories that start out, “Back when I was your age” and then usually end up with something about snow and barefoot and uphill both ways. The new engine has the

Range Rover Supercharged feeling extra nimble these days and thanks to enhancements to the Terrain Response system in the form of Hill Start Assist and Gradient Acceleration Control Range Rover can tackle any driving duties it is tasked with be it Girl Scout Cookie delivery or a weekend getaway on top of a mountain somewhere. Other recent upgrades to the model line include improved interior equipment levels with optional reclining rear seats, laminated privacy glass, exterior design features enhancing Range Rover’s

classic looks and an optional 1,200-watt Harman/kardon 19-speaker audio system. (OUR RECENT TESTER CAME WITH THE LATTER AND IF YOU ARE WONDERING WHY I AM YELLING IT IS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN TESTING THAT SYSTEM OUT…A LOT!)

The Range Rover rides on one of the absolute best suspension systems on the planet, Land Rover’s enhanced electronic air suspension with automatic load leveling and multiple mode choices of access, standard, and off-road. “Range Rover retains its position as one of the world’s

most complete luxury vehicles,” states Phil Popham, Land Rover Managing Director. “World-class engine performance and driving refinement combined with upscale interior enhancements offer

unparalleled luxury and comc fort which continue to make m Range Rover a clear industry indu benchmark.” Pricing for that unparalleled luxury and comfort begins at $94,820 with our 2012 Range Rover Supercharged tester rolling in at nearly 103 Large. Range Rover celebrated its 40th anniversary last year and the flagship shows no signs of retreat anytime soon. When push comes to shove I am sure Land Rover will find a suitable turbodiesel powerplant for this beauty when time comes that the US administration says 12 mpg city and 18 mpg highway just ain’t gonna cut it. That day is not this day, however, so for now I will join my fellow Rovers as we rage, rage against the bureaucrats and the tree huggers (no offense Meghan) as we will not drive gently into that good night! (Apologies to Dylan Thomas.)

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND A BOY IS THE PRICE OF HIS TOYS! THIS IS SURE TO MAKE YOUR WANT LIST! MAELSTROM S18 FLASHLIGHT This handheld spotlight emits a blinding 1200 OTF by using ultra-bright SST-90 LED and this is no powder puff flashlight either. It comes outfitted in aircraft-grade anodized aluminum. The S18 is unlike any flashlight out there, utilizing innovative design technology to provide the versatility and dependability you’ve come to trust in a 4Sevens flashlight. Prince: $259

LASONIC I931X GOLD This is the limited edition for the successor to the TRC931 boombox. Check out the iPod dock, USB, SSD/ MMC, auxiliary and headphone/microphone inputs, AM/FM radio and alarm clock. Get ready to walk down the block with this bad boy on your shoulder. Price: $370

By Aeryn Ripley www.AlmostNerdy.com

8 out of 10 VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

Console: Nintendo 3DS Rating: M Developers: Capcom

Resident Evil: Revelations Let me start off by saying Resident Evil purists probably won’t like this game. The franchise has definitely stepped away from its roots as a horrifying game to a commercial actionadventure machine leaving two types of fans in its wake; the old school Raccoon City fan and the movie franchise fan. R.E. Revelations is an attempt to appease both types of die-

hard R.E. fans while luring in some newbies. This game actually makes the Nintendo 3DS worth playing. You may even forget from time to time that you are on a handheld device. The game simply pulls you in and action keeps you there. While the storyline leaves much to be desired, the impromptu monster melees won’t leave you with much time to devote to script analysis. Normally, the words survival and horror don’t bear well for the

players but this game will have you on edge. You can switch from firstperson to third-person shooter at a moments whim during the game (I’d recommend first-person for creepiest effect). The Queen Zenobia Cruise Line will be a great place for you to get to know the Ooze, Revelations replacements for zombies, which will undoubtedly pop up and scare the crap out of you from time to time. Fast gameplay, lots of ammo (at times), and sheer fanaticism make R.E. Revelations worth a go’ round.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

Q Why are the Q: JJapanese so ssmart? A A: No blondes! Q Q: How many p perverts does it ttake to screw in a light bulb? A A: Just one, but it ttakes a surgical tteam to get it out. Q Q: How do y you make y your girlfriend sscream while h having sex? A A: Call her and tell her.

FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

BLITZ FUNNYS

Father Bob? Fr. Mike is hearing confessions one day when he gets the urge to take a leak. He motions the janitor over. “Hey, Bob,” he says. “Take over. If someone comes in, just check the list on the wall and give ’em their penance.” Bob wearily agrees, and no sooner does he take over than a woman enters the booth and blurts out, “Father, I can’t stop giving anal sex to strangers.” Bob frantically checks the list but can’t find anything about anal sex. He peeks through the curtain and sees an altar boy lighting candles. “Psst! Altar boy!” Bob calls. “What does Fr. Mike give for anal sex?” “As of last week,” says the altar boy, “two lollipops and a soda.”

Needed A Hole-In-The-Ground The Tampa Bay Times tells of Kevin McKeon, owner of U-Stor Self Storage facility. He’d called one delinquent renter to say a lack of monthly payments meant auctioning the contents of that locker. The young lady who answered the phone begged him not to, explaining: “My mother told me on her death bed that Grandma is in the storage unit. You can’t sell our stuff.” When McKeon opened the cubical, he found a long blue casket. (‘Grandmas’ death certificate proved she’d died in 1995.)

He’s No “Basket Case” A teacher and assistant coach at Mesquite (Texas) High School got his name in the news twice. Most recently, in Jan. 2012, Andrew Lott, 33, was accused of having sex with a 17-year-old student. Before that, quoting The Dallas Morning News, “He (Lott) was in the national spotlight in January 2009 as the girls basketball coach at Dallas Academy after its 100-0 loss to Covenant Academy.”

No Loose Lips to Sink Ships - From the Associated Press, Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan, more than 1,000 prisoners had “sewn their lips together” in protest over their dismal existences. But the facility’s director, Mars Zhusupbekov, said a criminal gang forced these painful punctures on tender lips on frightened prisoners. (Lacking smaller thread, some prisoners had stitched pieces of wire over their teeth, limiting nutritional intake to liquids only.)

AQUARIUS A JJanuary 20 – February 18 TThis will be your best birthday ever and according to the Mayans your a last.

TTAURUS April 20 – May 20 A Your plans to meet that hot blonde Y on Friday will go as expected. o Hulkamania is back!

LLEO JJuly 23 – August 22 TThey say there are two types of people in this world and unfortunately p you’re neither.

SCORPIO S October 23 – November 21 O You have no idea why they call it a Y since when you sit in it you lloveseat lo o fill it up nicely.

PISCES P FFebruary 19 – March 20 EEveryone loves praise and admiration and you’re no different. That being a said those words will be uttered at your funeral.

GEMINI G May 21 – June 21 M You will soon meet a woman in Y uuniform who will serve your every need as long as those needs are at McDonald’s.

VIRGO V August 23 – September 22 A TThe only thing stopping you from a tri-state killing spree is reliable transportation.

SAGITTARIUS S November 22 – December 21 N TThough last Tuesday seems like it was the best day of your life trust us: it th was.

ARIES A March 21 – April 19 M You will leave this world the way you Y eentered it: in a Burger King bathroom.

CANCER C JJune 22 – July 22 FForces collide when you walk in front of a DART bus. Here’s a hint: The o DART bus wins…

LLIBRA September 23 – October 22 S Congrats! There is someone out there C who loves you! With some luck she w will soon be in the custody of the police.

CAPRICORN C December 22 – January 19 D When you stated earlier in the week W ““that nothing can stop me now” you must have forgotten about your leprosy.

32. Asserted 35. Resident 39. Trader 40. Ebb 41. Cost 43. Viscera 44. Funny television show 46. Plunder 47. Tranquility 50. Not lower 53. Hodgepodge 54. Type of hat 55. Financial 60. Lantern 61. Dental medicine 63. Leg joint 64. Fail to win 65. Carcinoid 66. Contributes 67. Sketched 68. Platform

DOWN: 1. False god 2. Opera star 3. Ends a prayer 4. Group of cattle 5. Academy award 6. Calypso offshoot 7. Not believable 8. Dog sleigh 9. Stair 10. Robotic 11. Notions 12. Move furtively 13. Drive 18. Color 24. Deity 25. Flax fabric 26. Disappear gradually 27. Holly 28. Smack 29. Tools for star gazing

31. Nonflowering plant 33. Wish granter 34. At one time (archaic) 36. Nil 37. Cocoyam 38. Where a bird lives 42. S. American country 43. Evil spirit 45. Be against 47. A type of dance 48. African antelope 49. Intended 51. Eastern newt 52. Violent disturbances 54. Frigid 56. A promiscuous woman 57. Unwakable state 58. All excited 59. Stringed instrument 62. Not used

Solution on Page 18

ACROSS: 1. Potato state 6. Lather 10. A young lady 14. 10 cent coins 15. Clove hitch or figure eight 16. Modify 17. Ask an unreasonable price 19. Formally surrender 20. A four-wheel covered carriage 21. Clairvoyant’s gift 22. Fit 23. Kingly 25. Optical maser 26. Clenched hand 30. Any unsaturated aliphatic hydrocarbon

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FEBRUARY 8 – 14,, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

THE CLOSER

KISSING THE GALS GOODBYE By Joe Stumpo www.darthstumpo.com

T Chocolate Porter Brewed by: Bayhawk Ales ABV: 5.40% This is a Valentine’s Day special! It pours dark brown with a nice tan head and a good amount of lacing. The aroma of chocolate malt with hints of coffee and lightly roasted hops is there. The taste is much like the scent, mild coffee, some chocolate and a tad sweet but not overwhelming. The body is light with tons of carbonation. You’ll need to have some chocolate to help you through this one. This is definitely a once a year beer. Fausto FT140 Wrapper: Habano Ecuador Binder: Nicaraguan Filler: Nicaraguan Strength: Full Bodied This is a well-constructed stick. Tatuaje always delivers. Before even lighting up you’ll pick up on the black pepper. Spice and a heavy smoke dominate the first third. As you make your way through this will subside and the sweeter notes come around. It’s definitely a stronger smoke and well worth it. Agave Kiss Ingredients: 2 oz Herradura Tequila Silver 1 oz White Creme de Cacao 1 oz Double Cream 1/2 oz Chambord white chocolate flakes for rimming fresh raspberries for garnish Mixing Instructions: In a cocktail shaker with ice, add Herradura tequila, white crème de cacao, double cream and Chambord. Shake for 15 seconds. Pour into a chilled cocktail glass, rimmed with white chocolate, add a spear of fresh raspberries, and serve.

he last time I paid a visit to Wisteria Lane to see what the gorgeous ladies were up to on ABC’s Desperate Housewives was when a young serial killer known as “The Fairview Strangler” was terrorizing the neighborhood. That was during Season 6. I have been out of the loop ever since. As the countdown to the May series finale approaches I have been paying a weekly visit to Wisteria Lane this season, courtesy of free episodes on Hulu.com, to see the latest soap opera entanglements that Republican cooking perfectionist, not to mention my favorite character, Bree Van De Kamp (Marcia Cross), emotional basket case Susan Meyer (Teri Hatcher), self absorbed unfaithful wife, Gabrielle Solis (Eva Longoria), and Miss “I am always right” - stayat-home mom, Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman) have gotten themselves into. When I started watching Desperate Housewives upon its debut in Fall 2004, I saw the series as the “I am Woman! Hear Me Roar Hour!” As a guy, I took personal offense at how Bree, Gabby, Lynette and Susan were seen as the pure white angels who can do no wrong despite their engaging in extramarital affairs and in some cases, even murder and cover-ups while practically all the male characters were depicted as jealous jerks lacking any moral decency. As if the ladies should talk. When the women’s husbands or boyfriends played by Ricardo Chavira, Steven Culp, James Denton and Doug Savant weren’t trying to either run from their criminal pasts or visiting the neighborhood dominatrix for a weekly spanking session the guy can’t get from the wife at home, or have their wandering eyes on the sexy young nanny, most of their kids either rebelled against their parents or had trouble coming to grips with their homosexuality. Every Sunday night the score was Women: 5 (when you count neigh-

Name: Kathryn Nordstrom How you know her: Kathryn has worked with VOGUE, Stanley Korshak, Neiman Marcus, and has recently been featured on Good Morning Texas. VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

borhood sex-siren Edie Britt (Nicollete Sheridan) who got killed off in 2009) and for the Men: a big fat ZERO. When CBS President Leslie Moonves commented about how the show back then beat out CBS’ Survivor in the April 2005 issue of Playboy, Moonves didn’t just say it was because Desperate Housewives is a good show. “I know a lot of guys who watch the program – it has beautiful, sexy women,” Moonves was quoted saying. Ironically it’s not the four actresses, as attractive as they are, or the sleazy storylines chock filled with unexpected twists and turns that was the reason I got hooked on the show. What I liked most about Desperate Housewives was how it presented a picture of community companionship where everyone knew everyone else on Wisteria Lane. That’s what Desperate Housewives never lost sight of. This season in particular, for example, I took note during the Halloween episode how everyone on Wisteria Lane dressed up in costumes and took their kids trick or treating. I can’t remember when the last time was where I saw kids with their parents walk down my street on Halloween knocking on doors for candy. Today, the kids wear their costumes to school where they get all their goodies to bring home simply

Photo Courtesy: MacDX1

because it’s safer. So thank you Bree, Gabby, Lynette, Susan and last but not least, you too Mary Alice Young (Brenda Strong) for your brief Rod Serling-Twilight Zone-esque commentaries at the beginning and end of every episode from beyond the grave for taking me on a weekly entertaining, gossip mongering hour long stroll down memory lane, excuse me, “Wisteria Lane” these past few years. You gals briefly reminded me of the kind of street and neighborhood I once lived on minus all the soap opera drama and occasional run-ins with devious former residents harboring personal vendettas. Your weekly adventures made me wonder if we all should take a moment to get to know who our neighbors are, or maybe not. “It’s the age old question isn’t it,” to quote Bree Van De Kamp. “How much do we really want to know about our neighbors?”

Tell us about Pucker Up Pucker Up Impressions® The Official Lip Print Reading is unique party entertainment. We have guests, men and women, apply lipstick and kiss a card. With this kiss we roast people, create fun games and amaze people with how much we can tell them about themselves merely by examining their kiss.

organizational skills and more. What we can’t tell you is when you will find the perfect mate we describe for you- but we can often tell what’s keeping you from finding them.

her what her likes were “in the bedroom”. As I continued the X-rated reading the daughter cringed as the mom said “You’re right! I do love to . . . “

One pair of lips you really want to read The most famous lips today – Angelina Jolie

What types of things can the lips say about you? My girls and I can tell so much, from how you like to kiss to the way you decorate and even what your ideal spouse would be like, [Laughing] which sadly isn’t always the person you are with. We can also pick out information about your aptitudes, pet-peeves, friendship styles,

Unexpected perk of your job I get to tell people to “give it a kiss” for a living (referring to the card I have them kiss) – what could be better!

What can a guy do to improve his “lip luck?” Lip Luck – I like that. Just use Chapstick for starters and realize that some 90% of women prefer a man who is mildly forceful with their kiss. Just enough to show by the kiss that they really are attracted to them. Don’t ask permission to kiss a woman – Man Up!

Strangest on the job moment That would be the night a mother and daughter came to see me and the mother wanted me to tell

Find Kathryn on www. PuckerYpImpressions.net and on Twitter @LipstickKathryn

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 22

FEBRUARY 8 – 14, 2012

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