VOL. 3 - ISSUE 23
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NY mail carrier pinched discount coupons
BLITZ News Shorts Hollywood Profile/Movie Review Music: The Decemberists Stars/Mavs News XLV Champ: Greg Jennings Interview COVER STORY: Valentine’s Day Tryst With A Vampire Women & Sports Gift 4 U Valentine’s Gift-Date Texting Your Way To Love BLITZ BABE: Holly XLV: What A Crazy Week Who Killed Common Courtesy Blitz Toys Can This Job Be Saved? Blitz Food Review: Cuquita’s Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes Last Call: Dear Dog Owners
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PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER Cover Photography: Chuck Majors Cover Model: Heather Radford STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Steven Hendrix, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors, Matt Pearce, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Yu-Ping Chen, Justin Cozart, Manny Flores, Andre Karwath, David Shankbone, Ralph F. Stitt, Carniphage, Minghong, Sirenssos2009 STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak and Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Bronte Erwin, Dennis Hambright, Andrew J. Hewett, Henry Jenkins, Gilbert Moses, Jonathan Sullivan, Tennessee Chris CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” -- Groucho Marx
Customer phoning in pizza order hears robber
A caller ordering pizza from a Southern California pizzeria overheard an armed robber demanding money and telephoned police. Palm Springs police Officer Rhonda Long says the customer was placing the phone order Tuesday evening and heard the commotion at the Pizza Hut. A masked man with a handgun took money from the cash register and fled. Long told The Desert Sun of Palm Springs that the robber didn’t take money from any customers. There hasn’t been an arrest.
A mail carrier on New York’s Long Island is accused of pinching thousands of discount coupons intended for residents’ mailboxes. Police say 38-year-old Thomas Tang of Baldwin stole more than 7,000 J.C. Penney Co. discount coupons he was supposed to deliver to the department store’s customers. Police say Tang then sold the coupons on eBay. Tang was charged with grand larceny. He pleaded not guilty at his arraignment Friday and was ordered held on $5,000 cash bail. His attorney was not immediately available for comment. The alleged theft occurred between October 2009 and this January.
Professor charged with peeing on colleague’s door
A California university professor has been charged with peeing on a colleague’s campus office door. Prosecutors charged 43-year-old Tihomir Petrov, a math professor at California State University, Northridge, with two misdemeanor counts of urinating in a public place. Arraignment is scheduled Thursday in Los Angeles County Superior Court in San Fernando. Investigators say a dispute between Petrov and another math professor was the motive. The Los Angeles Times says Petrov was captured on videotape urinating on the door of another professor’s office on the San Fernando Valley campus. School officials had rigged the camera after discovering puddles of what they thought was urine at the professor’s door.
Getting A Tattoo There is Just Wrong
This man might not be well-endowed but advertising it in the form of a permanent tattoo might be a little too much (if you will excuse the pun). A German man didn’t have to hand over a dime for a new car, but he did have to pay in ink. Andreas Mueller won a silver Mini Cooper by pulling off the craziest stunt during a radio show contest by getting a tattoo of the word ‘MINI’ on his penis. Radio listeners heard Muller shriek as he received the tattoo on his man part while a female host watched. “Once I’m sitting in the car, it won’t matter anymore,” said Mueller, 39, according to reports in the Austrian Times last week.
Andrew J. Hewett
www.chewednews.com
HOW ABOUT HAMBURGER?
According to wire reports from Johannesburg, Jan. 31, 2011, “South Africa’s government party has pronounced: ‘Eating sushi off the body of a model in a bikini is politically incorrect.’” (What’s for dessert?)
FATE?
Ouida Wright, 43, had just left a soup kitchen in Green Bay, Wisconsin, when she heard about a Super Bowl XLV contest in the area, offering the winner “... four nights in a hotel, $500 in cash and two tickets to the game from the Dallas Convention & Visitors Bureau.” All the winner need do was ask strangers the question, “Have you been to Dallas lately?” until they found the “mystery man.” So Ouida did, and she won. When Dallas learned the winner lived in a homeless shelter, it added two airline tickets. Next, Wright was offered $10,000 for her winnings, but turned it down, saying, “Every step that brought us to this mystery man was God’s will. There’s a plan in this. I just don’t know what it is yet.”
NO “BEEP!” FOR MOM
Jan. 29, 2011, The Dallas Morning News told of Cecilia Marie Ogle, 21, and the disagreement she’d had with her mother, 60-year-old Sheila Ann Ogle. Young Cecilia become so angry that she backed her Toyota Camry over her mother and… when a neighbor screamed for her to stop, she drove forward, re-crushing the body.
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HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with James Cameron
by Vivian Fullerlove
In 1997, when his film Titanic broke box office records and took home the Oscar for Best Picture, he was the King of the World. Last year, he took us to a whole new world unlike any we had ever visited in movie history with Avatar. Much like Titanic, critics scoffed at the ridiculous production budget of Avatar, but were again silenced by the box office receipts. For those of you who were wondering what James Cameron would do next, here’s your answer. The Hollywood heavyweight with the Midas touch sat down to talk about his new movie Sanctum, which follows a team of underwater cave divers on a treacherous expedition to the largest, most beautiful and least accessible cave system on Earth. When a tropical storm forces them deep into the caverns, they must fight raging water, deadly terrain and creeping panic as they search for an unknown escape route to the sea. The film, which was shot on location off the Gold Coast in Queensland, Australia, utilizes the same 3-D photography techniques Cameron developed for Avatar. What was the most challenging part of shooting this film—which combines a lot of action, a lot of high intensity situations and the added element of shooting in 3D in such confined areas? It seems to me, looking in at the movie from the outside, that the physical demands of the production were much more of a concern than the 3D. Moving that much water around, doing it safely, having actors who are always in climbing harnesses or being cabled off because they are appearing for the movie to be climbing without a harness, but are actually attached to cables. Working with actors on rebreather dive gear [is something] I don’t think anybody else has
“Entertainment’s Real Critic”
ever done. [The rebreather is a lighter and more compact breathing set used in diving.] We didn’t do it on The Abyss, we faked rebreathers, but you could see the bubbles. Andrew [Wright, producer], being a hardcore cave explorer, wanted to put the actors on the kind of real equipment that he uses, and they all trained for it. So it seems to me that there were 20 other things that were more difficult before you even got to the 3D part of the movie. How will the experience of 3D in this film differ from that of Avatar? Avatar had so many broad vistas, if you will, that the difference between watching the movie in 3D and in 2D is not that great, because the more expansive the image, the less you feel in close contact with objects and people and characters and so on. So it’s the intimate scenes in Avatar where just the people are talking that were the most effective in 3D. So we knew going in that the difference between experiencing Sanctum in 2D and 3D would be much greater because the 3D would constantly be informing you in the experience of watching the movie with the sense of claustrophobia. 3D works best in small spaces. What can audiences expect? When we did test screenings there was a palpable kind of white-knuckle sense of anxiety when watching the movie, which is exactly what we wanted to create. Sounds like quite a thrill! If you want to “experience” Sanctum, you can check it out tonight. The film is playing in theatres nationwide and is rated R for language, some violence and disturbing images.
by Jonathan Sullivan
The Mechanic
www.movietobo.com
What can I say about The Mechanic that hasn’t been said about every action movie over the past decade? Not much, and that’s the problem. It’s not like it’s an offensively bad movie or anything; there’s plenty of action and blood strewn throughout. But it’s nothing that breaks the bank and because it doesn’t stand out, The Mechanic is doomed to be one of those movies you forget about until it’s on cable late at night. Jason Statham stars as Arthur Bishop, an assassin who kicks a$$ and takes names (I know, Statham is really playing out of the box here). After reluctantly killing his mentor Harry (Donald Sutherland, who is only on screen for a bit but is pretty awesome), he takes on Harry’s son Steve (Ben Foster) as an apprentice and teaches him the tools of the trade. Together, they kill a variety of one-note bad guys (an arms dealer, a cult leader, etc.) and eventually have to take on Arthur’s boss Dean (Tony “I’m always the bad guy” Goldwyn) for falsifying the reason Harry needed to die. And that’s really it as far as plot is concerned and the kinds of motivations that are produced by it. Statham and Foster crack unfunny jokes at each other and efficiently kill people. The thing is...the plot point about Dean doesn’t get introduced
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until about an hour into the movie and it feels like it’s thrown in because they had nowhere to go and needed to make a feature-length film. Thankfully, the action scenes are imaginative, even fun at times, and when you sign up for a Statham movie that’s what you are hoping for the most. They are bloody and they are somewhat clever. Since Arthur and Steve have to make their murders look accidental, considerable planning and detail goes into the best way they will be able to accomplish this. Still, everything just felt so paint-bynumbers. Action scene here, sex scene there, unfunny wise crack here, rinse, repeat, move onto the next cliché. As I was taking it in, I felt as if I’d seen all this a hundred times before and because of it, I had to force myself to keep paying attention. For a movie that’s supposed to be high-octane, that’s not a good sign. However, it doesn’t really matter what I—or what anyone—thinks on a critical level. The Mechanic was designed for action buffs and Statham buffs and it delivers for both groups. Just don’t expect anything mind-bending or original here; it’s just your usual run-of-the-mill action movie and as time goes on, we’ll all forget it happened. I already did. What am I writing about again?
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A Remarkable Backwoods Stomp “Music Snob”
Wed 2/9
100 Greatest Football Moments C. R. Smith Museum – Fort Worth Celebrate 100 years of football in North Texas—high school, college and pro. This photographic and factual extravaganza might be the perfect way to let go of football until next year.
Thur 2/10
matic weight of those from The Hazards of Love, which at times veered into grandiose territory. The saloon piano and honky-tonk fiddle of “All Arise!” give the song a breezy bounce, and “June Hymn” chronicles the changing of seasons with some of Meloy’s most gorgeously vivid imagery to date. Lucid phrases like “A barony of ivy in the trees,/expanding out its empire by degrees/ and all the branches burst a’ bloom/ Into bloom/Heaven sent this cardinal, maroon/ to decorate our living room” mark his maturity as a wordsmith, using lush visuals to evoke a mood rather than a linear storyline. The Decemberists have crafted a wonderful album that while different from previous releases, reflects the niche aspects of the band and shows them headed sonically in the right direction. Perfect for nights spent alone in reflection, or for those evenings when good friends want to crack open wine and listen to something a little more complex, The King is Dead will be on rotation in many a person’s living room, no matter the occasion. I thank The Decemberists for their continued positive contributions to the indie and music world. Good luck, and good listening!
This Stage West – Fort Worth Playing off-Broadway in New York City this play by Melissa James Gibson was hailed by The New York Times as “the best new play this fall” with dialogue that “sparkles.”
Fri 2/11
Gone is the band’s tavern-orchestra instrumentation and elaborate, literature-enriched tales. Jenny Conlee’s accordion, while still present, is turned down in favor of Chris Funk’s slide guitar, and Colin Meloy’s once voluminous narratives are traded for lyrically vague, gnomic self-examinations. Confessional tunes like “Calamity Song,” “Rox in the Box,” and “Down by the Water” feature anonymous narrators dealing with guilty consciences amidst tumultuous country environments, as if their mistakes were directly responsible for the destructive acts of nature around them: “The season rubs me wrong/The summer swells anon/ so knock me down, tear me up/but I would bear it all just to fill my cup…” Unlike his previous stories “The Bagman’s Gambit,” “The Bachelor and the Bride,” and “O! Valencia,” we never fully discover what leads these characters to their ominous fates, giving the album a sense of rustic melancholia. The album’s music is much simpler and stripped back to basics in this go-round, with gentle acoustic guitars merging into fiddles, harmonicas, accordions and slide guitar. Meloy’s customary melancholic crooning is enriched through shimmering harmonies with Welch. Because of the lack of literal details, the songs don’t have the heart-wrenching dra-
True West Contemporary Theatre – Dallas One of the most traditional Sam Shepard plays. On Broadway the leads were taken by Philip Seymour Hoffman and John C. Reilly. Literate, powerful, funny—unforgettable.
Sat 2/12
by Tennessee Chris
Jazz Meets Gospel Winspear Opera House – Dallas The gospel group Take Six has won the Grammy ten times and here will be merging their talents with multi-platinum star Yolanda Adams, whose style draws on R & B, soul and gospel.
Sun 2/13
The Decemberists - The King is Dead
2. Calamity Song
The Decemberists - The King is Dead
3. Rise to Me
The Decemberists - The King is Dead
4. Rox in the Box
The Decemberists - The King is Dead
5. January Hymn
The Decemberists - The King is Dead
6. Down by the Water
The Decemberists - The King is Dead
7. All Arise!
The Decemberists - The King is Dead
8. June Hymn
The Decemberists - The King is Dead
9. This Is Why We Fight
The Decemberists - The King is Dead
10. Dear Avery
The Decemberists - The King is Dead
Swingin’ Big Band Jazz Embargo – Fort Worth The Jazz Monsters are a 20-piece band with a big sound that will be playing classics from Count Basie, Duke Ellington, Stan Kenton and more. Hot Sunday fun.
Mon 2/14
MUSIC: The Decemberists 1. Don’t Carry It All
Boz Scaggs Bass Performance Hall – Fort Worth Advance copy describes him as a “rock and roll icon” and a “legendary singer/songwriter” in the same sentence. He is. This is where you want to be to end Valentine’s Day.
Tues 2/15
The Decemberists are one of the reigning champions of the indie music world. Formed in 2000, the multi-instrumentalist Portland-based band has released multiple critically-acclaimed albums and developed a large, loyal fan base. In March 2009 they released their folk-rock opera, The Hazards of Love, which stepped outside of the band’s usual musical realm and pleased most critics and listeners. Their fans were excited to see where The Decemberists would travel next, and in January they released The King Is Dead, their sixth studio album and most commercial album to date. Influenced in part by R.E.M., it marks a return to a more traditional sound, albeit with a heavier, modern country-music feel. Joined by R.E.M.’s own Peter Buck and singer-songwriter Gillian Welch, the album is a deliberate move away from the style of Hazards, and explores the roots music of Americana. From the opening harmonica bluster of “Don’t Carry It All,” to the record’s pastoral recording location, to the album cover of looming black pines, The King is Dead is thematically nestled in the backwoods.
Spike Lee Nasher Sculpture Center – Dallas Spike Lee’s movies represent a realistic yet swinging and entertaining take on inner-city black society. Part of the Nasher’s Salon series. Don’t miss this. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com
6
STARS News
by Tony Barone
“The Senior Sports Authority”
Power Failure
The Dallas Stars are on a three-game losing streak and their failure to score on the power play was a major contributor in the three losses. Vancouver The Vancouver Canucks and Dallas Stars have played three times in the last 33 days, and the result has been the same in each game. Mikael Samuelsson and Christian Ehrhoff scored power-play goals, leading Vancouver to a 4-1 victory over Dallas on Tuesday night. Vancouver has dominated Dallas of late, winning the three recent matchups by a combined score of 15-3.
Upcoming Schedule: 2/9 vs Coyotes 7:30pm 2/11 vs Blackhawks 7:30pm 2/13 vs Blue Jackets 2:00pm 2/15 @ Oilers 8:00pm The Canucks’ special teams have proven too good for the Stars of late. Vancouver’s power play has done most of the damage, converting 8 of 15 attempts in the last three games. On the other hand, the Stars have capitalized on just one of 13 power plays in the season series, including a 0-for-5 effort Tuesday night. “We had our opportunities tonight and we’ve got to take responsibility for not jumping on the opportunities that we had,” Coach Marc Crawford said. “Special teams are so important and that was the difference tonight.” Boston The Stars hit the road to face the Boston Bruins in a game that started with three fights in the first four seconds. “I haven’t seen it,” Stars coach Marc Crawford said. “It’s funny ... two teams that don’t see each other very much. It shows you can’t take anything for granted.” Patrice Bergeron had two goals and an assist to lift the Bruins to a 6-3 victory over the Stars. The Stars did not connect on their power play opportunities, going 0 for 3 in the loss. The game was tarnished by yet another cheap shot which will test the NHL’s crackdown on illegal hits to the head. At 11:21 of the second period, Boston’s Daniel Paille was given a match penalty resulting in an immediate ejection for a hit to Stars forward Raymond Sawada. Sawada had lost control of the puck and as he leaned down to gain control, Paille connected with a blindside hit to Sawada’s shoulder and head. “It was a bad hit,” Bruins defenseman
Andrew Ference said. “We can’t be hypocrites when your own team does a hit like that which the league is trying to get rid of.” Philadelphia The Philadelphia Flyers will live without recording a shutout, as long as they keep getting the wins. Andrej Meszaros and Darroll Powe each scored on long-distance wrist shots and Brian Boucher stopped 30 shots to lead Philadelphia past the Dallas Stars 3-1 on Saturday night. Jeff Carter added his 25th goal for the Flyers, who increased their Atlantic Division lead over Pittsburgh to three points. Brenden Morrow scored for the Pacific Divisionleading Stars in the second period, his fifth goal in six games. The Eastern Conference-leading Flyers remain the only team in the NHL without recording a shutout, despite a league-leading 35 wins. “We’re not going to get a shutout this year,” Boucher said. “It’s just not going to happen. We’ll just keep trying to win games and we’ll be happy with that.” “They put good fore-checking pressure,” Dallas coach Marc Crawford said. “They found a way to figure out our goalie with the third goal, and when you give them a twogoal lead, you’re in trouble.” Stars forwards Toby Petersen (lower body), Tom Wandell (shoulder) and Adam Burish (face) all sat out. The Stars haven’t won in Philadelphia since Dec. 1, 2007, and are 39-67-32 against the Flyers. Philadelphia has won the past four meetings.
7
Crossword Solution
MAVS News
by Geoff Case “NBA Analyst”
MAVS RELOAD, RECHARGE About three weeks ago, the Mavericks were bottoming out. Dallas had lost six straight, its longest losing streak in more than a decade, and had fallen to fifth in the Western Conference. They were holding their breath watching Dirk Nowitzki dragging his leg around the court trying to pull his team out if its funk. Fast-forward to the present day and it’s an entirely different scene. The Mavs own
“You’ve got so many players that have been through it on this team and been in that moment that any time any of those guys can step up,” Tyson Chandler said. “Jason (Terry) has hit game-winners, Dirk (Nowitzki) has hit game-winners, Jason Kidd has hit game-winners. We’ve got options to go to down the stretch.” The Mavericks are betting that veteran leadership will help them in the playoffs and it’s hard to argue with their thinking, given the way the team has been playing. Routinely the Mavericks step up and make defensive stops, hit big shots, or grab tough rebounds when the game is on the line. The offense does miss Caron Butler but in the latest stretch of games there has been a platoon of players scoring in double figures and helping to take a lot of heat off Dirk Nowitzki. “Balance has been our calling-card all season long. We can’t pile it on Dirk’s back every night,” said coach Rick Carlisle. Adding some pieces? The Mavs have other reasons to be optimistic going into the final 32 games of the regular season, but it doesn’t mean they couldn’t use some help. Peja Stojakovic and Rodrigue Beaubois are reportedly coming back from injury soon but don’t hold your breath. Beaubois has been “close” since training camp and Peja
Upcoming Schedule: 2/9 @ Kings 9:00pm 2/10 @ Nuggets 9:30pm 2/12 @ Rockets 7:30pm hasn’t played since November 26th of last year. Anything the Mavericks can get out of these two players should be viewed as gravy because both injuries could be nagging throughout the season.
the longest winning streak in the league and trail only red-hot San Antonio in the West. The loss of Caron Butler is felt in the scoring department but the Mavs have figured out how to tighten the screws on defense, locking down opponents down the stretch. Dallas improved to 16-7 in games decided by seven points or fewer in last Friday’s 101-97 win at Boston. Grinding out close games is something the Mavericks take pride in doing. They also have plenty of choices when it comes to getting the ball in someone’s hands for the game-winning shot.
J.J. Barea a starter? I’m not the biggest Barea supporter in the world but you have to give him a lot of credit for the type of production he’s been stringing together lately. Rick Carlisle loves to tinker with the starting lineups to keep his teams on their toes and made Barea the starter for the last few games. It’s been paying off and the fierce little Puerto Rican has been absolutely lighting it up from the field. J.J. Barea has scored in double digits in five of his last seven games and more than 20 on two occasions. It was a tough start to the season for Barea but he has come out of his three point-shooting slump and persevered. Give credit to Carlisle for rewarding a guy whose hard work is paying some dividends for the team collectively.
NBA: Lakers vs. Knicks
Fri. February 11 – 7:00PM – Madison Square Garden – ESPN LA vs. NY on a Friday night. See how the Lakers’ big men fare against the Knicks’ porous defense. In the Knicks’ last ten losses they’ve given up triple-digit points in all but one. Kobe might eclipse Chamberlain’s single-game high for points scored. See if Stoudemire can school Gasol and pull out the win.
NHL: Blackhawks vs. Stars
Fri. February 11 – 7:30PM – American Airlines Center – FSSW The defending Stanley Cup champions come to Dallas again nursing some wounds, having lost three of their last four. The Stars have lost their last three. Both teams understand the importance of this game during the stretch drive of the season. Will Marty Turco be in goal, ready to dish another loss to the Stars?
NCAA Basketball: Baylor vs. (3) Texas
Sat. February 12 – 3:00PM – Frank Erwin Center – ESPN Baylor is having a difficult time putting a winning streak together as of late. Perhaps their most recent overtime win over Texas A&M has put them on the right track. In their last four losses it seems that they cannot get their offense going. The Longhorns have put together a nice group of wins since losing in overtime to UConn. Texas must get off to a good start to win this one.
NBA: Heat vs. Celtics
Sun. February 13 – 12:00PM – TD Garden – ABC The Heat have lost to the Celtics twice this season and are looking for some payback. It appears the Heat have gotten back on track after a rough January start. The Celtics, on the other hand, have recently had a few hiccups. Tons of big-name stars in this one as the Three Amigos battle the Big Three of Boston.
STARS
MAVS
8
Fresh off his Super Bowl XLV victory Green Bay wide receiver Greg Jennings answered some questions for the media. He played an important part in the Packers win, reeling in four passes for 64 yards and a pair of touchdowns. His 8-yard TD reception in the fourth quarter with 11:57 left extended the Packer lead making the score 28-17. That TD might be the difference between victory and defeat. Jennings also had an important 31-yard reception to set up a field goal for the final score. Here’s what Jennings had to share: The Packers are Super Bowl Champions. How do you feel? Wow, wow, wow. It’s a great day to be great, baby. The team has been through a lot this season what does this victory mean to you? To God be the glory. We’ve been a team that has overcome adversity all year and now our head captain (Donald Driver) goes down. (It was) emotional in the locker room. Our No. 1 receiver goes down. More emotions are flying in the locker room, but we find a way to bottle it up and exert it all out here on the field. To God be the glory. Can you tell us about your second touchdown? It was a corner route. I had a corner route the entire time and they dropped me and let me run free the play before. They dropped me on another corner route and we came back to it and scored on that play. What about the big pass from Aaron Rodgers for 31 yards? Huge. Outstanding throw by Aaron. (Troy) Polamalu makes a great play getting me down. To God be the glory, that’s all I can say. Were you shocked that you made the play? Well, it just got over the top of his outstretched hands. They were in 55-two-man and it seemed like it brushed off the tip of Ike Taylor’s glove, but it just got over the top enough where I could make a play on it and here we are, Super Bowl Champions.
9 by Bronte Erwin twitter@bronteerwin
O
n newsstands every magazine cover or most-beautiful-celebrity list is full of vampires, vampirettes or tattooed goths who look like the hellcats of Dracula. Beauty is always a reflection of society’s youth. And since this generation’s heads are full of emo lyrics and immersed in a culture of ultra-reality video gaming and social networking—with all the young people blogging their hearts out to millions of strangers—it is no wonder they identify with the socially forsaken creatures of the night. I too have been attracted to this dark girl, apathetically glancing at the luminous frivolity of her peers while lasciviously biting her lip, from the time I started passing “Do you like me” notes. It is a byproduct of the comic books and dungeon-dragon culture I was part of. We have always been harmless little brothers to more risqué goths. So I have dated and tried unsuccessfully to save the souls of many of these goth girls. Most have been goth simply for its fashion sense, or to cover social ineptitudes. But on one rare occasion I met a true Nosferatu and barely escaped with my life. There is a treasure of a strip club in Houston that was a favorite haunt of mine when I lived there. I always felt I’d found the best spot in the strip club when I’d bellied up to the stage. Along with the great view I could avoid being molested for table dances. Sitting in my preferred seat, my vampirette crawled onto the stage in a blacksequined dress. She dropped her dress and sauntered over to me. From her perch she popped her three-inch glass slippers on the stage raising my attention to her eyes. She had a mesmerizing gaze, and as our eyes locked her lips curled back revealing two bloodthirsty fangs. I was captivated. Rising to examine her more closely, I pulled a dollar out of my billfold. Simultaneously, she lowered herself, the scent of her powdered skin slowly wafting over me. She was pale, her dark eyes accented by even darker eyeliner, the true darkness of her hair camouflaged blonde by bleaching. She was so close to me when she spoke that I could anticipate what it would feel like to touch her, but I never made contact. Transfixed by her glimmering fangs I asked “Are those real?”
Not mistaking my question for another body part, she ran her tongue over the point of one fang. “I had them done last year. I love them.” I put a tip into her g-string, saying “We have to go out.” The directness of my remark had the potential to cause her to fly off, but she smiled wryly, caressing my cheek. I broke off from her and purposely avoided her for some time, but made it apparent that I wasn’t favoring any of the other women at the club. This may seem a trite ploy toward a girl whose job it is to feign interest, but deep down every woman wants to be special and in a strip club this is about the best you can do. When she would take her turn on the stage I made sure to make casual conversation, leaving her with a tip and a flattering remark. Toward the end of the evening I invited her for a drink and she accepted. She was small and carried herself with an innocence that gave away her age. When amused she would smile shyly and end by sensually exposing her fangs. I asked for her number. “Do you have a car?” she replied. “Yes.” “Meet me outside the club and we can go get something to eat.” This plan almost always results in being chased away from the club by the bouncers, or with the dancer slipping out the back door, so typically I would bail. But this was not the typical stripper. This was a vampire stripper, and I was willing to take my chances. She showed up quickly. The bulls still tried to wave me off, but she assured them it was alright and jumped into my car. We went to a pancake house where we could not have stood out anymore if she had bit into the neck of the waitress. She had changed into a more inconspicuous outfit, but her makeup made it all too apparent what her occupation was. In the light her pheromonal powers were diminished. She looked more strung out than vampire, and she spoke in a loud, unsophisticated way letting everyone around us hear her inane opinions. As painful and uncomfortable as it was I was determined to see this through, because this was a stripper with prosthetic fangs! She told me her true aspiration was to be an artist, and invited me back to her
place to see some of her work. Opening her door, I was overcome by the smell of barn animals. There were droppings all over the floor with rabbits and birds running freely outside their cages as well as a dog and two cats. She took no notice of the smell, nor did she mention why all the animals were running freely around her apartment. I first assumed that a vampire must have felt akin to other creatures but then I wondered if they made tasty treats. She seemed to sense my discontent, because she slipped out of her schizophrenic meth-head persona and switched back to sultry vampire. She took my hand and led me to a row of her paintings. These were huge canvases depicting erotic, macabre portraits of bloodied women in torn clothing. They were actually pretty good, but what was most interesting was that each had a Polaroid of the real-life model, posed as she was in the painting. Aroused, I tried to shut out the fetid smell and playfully initiate some sexual physicality. She would reciprocate to a point, tauntingly putting her lips close to mine and running her hands up and down my chest, then whisking me over to another painting with a sexy, tormenting giggle. She had run out of room to parry at the end of the apartment gallery, so she suggested we watch a movie she had made. Absolute crap. And the effect of its abstract format was disorienting. Shaking my head clear I realized that this was turning bizarre, even for a vampire stripper. Worse, it was apparent that there would be no love-making involved, so I told her I had to leave. Her manner strangely changed into a third persona— this one very anxious and nervous. “Wait, there is something I want to show you in my room.” Obviously, if her bedroom was involved I did not have to leave quite yet. She dashed off to her room without turning on the lights. I stopped at the doorway. I could dimly make out the room in the light from the living room. The walls were painted black. The ceiling was painted black. The rug was black. Her bed had black sheets, and a black
canopy. She was standing in the dark near a slightly opened closet door. “Come here, I want to show you this.” She was motioning to the closet. Uneasiness came over me. The closet was too still, as if shadowy figures had jumped inside and were holding their breath. As she continued to lure me into the room a deep fear came over me. I was now sure that her boyfriend, the equivalent of Dracula’s Renfield, was waiting in the closet ready to club me in the head so these two goth freaks could sink their prosthetic fangs into my neck and drink my blood. I could not be sure if it was the tricks of the shadows, but just then it seemed that the clothes in the closet had moved slightly and become deathly still again. “I really gotta go,” I exclaimed as I bolted for the door. I ran tensely, expecting them to run after me, but I made it to my car without incident and sped off. I realize she was not truly undead. But it was no less scary to know that someone so attractive, so charming (and bizarre and socially disconnected), wanted to kill me and drink my blood. And that is the true nature of the vampire. There is no stunning, red-headed vampire queen who is going to make love to you with the passion of someone who hasn’t loved in a thousand years. True-life vampires are social outcasts who are better treated with prescription medicine than garlic.
10 by Gilbert Moses – “I think, therefore I write”
Women and Sports. Two words most men love. However, combining the two does not always result in the greatest situations. How a woman views sports can make or break a relationship. Over the course of my life, I have spent countless hours studying and experiencing first-hand the sports habits of women and how they affect relationships. I have come to the
conclusion that while there are exceptions, most women fall into at least one of three categories when it comes to sports. Today, I will let you fellas know the pros and cons of each category and give you ladies tips for how to be successful in relationships, depending on what category you belong to.
The Sporty Chick
We all know at least one girl like this. In college she was basically one of the guys. She loves football, basketball, and/or baseball and can name all the stars on her favorite team. She is extremely competitive and played at least one sport in high school. Pros: This girl is great to have around because she can hold a conversation about something dear to your heart, sports. You know she’s awesome because a Mavericks game is an acceptable date to her and she actually watches the game – instead of talking your ear off or judging the cheerleaders’ hips all night. Cons: If she challenges you to a game of one-on-one she will win. While her love for sports may initially be a plus, when she insists on accompanying you to every watch party and your bar buddies have a nickname for her, you may have a problem. Tips for Sporty Chicks: We love that you love sports but let us have them to ourselves every once in a while. It’s great to have you on our arm at the bar occasionally, but sometimes hanging with our gameday buddies is a much needed getaway. Never beat your man in oneon-one unless it’s obvious he is “letting you.” And if you must win, at least keep the score close.
The Jealous Girly Girl
This girl is the polar opposite of the Sporty Chick. She does not like sports and makes no effort to hide her feelings. The only NBA player she can name is Lamar Odom and she knows him as Chloe Kardashian’s husband. She doesn’t understand the rules of basketball and wouldn’t dare risk her nails playing a game with you. She absolutely hates it when you watch or talk about sports in her presence. Pros: She is probably gorgeous. She will complain about you being at the sports bar every Sunday during the fall, but at least you never have to worry about losing to her in one-on-one. Oh, and she is probably gorgeous. Cons: She constantly nags you about time spent shooting hoops with the boys and actually turned the channel during the Jets-Steelers game for a rerun of Jersey Shore. Tips for the Jealous Girly Girl: Fortunately for you, you are probably so stunning most men will put up with your dislike for sports. However, keep in mind there is nothing sexier than seeing his gal dressed in nothing but the jersey of his favorite team.
Readers of the Blitz Weekly may remember the advice for holiday gift-giving (in our Dec. 15, 2010 issue), which still holds: no cleaning supplies (or anything related to housework), no work-out videos (or anything related to diets or weight-loss); nothing educational (implying she doesn’t already know everything worth knowing) and nothing that presupposes a new interest on her part (which will instantly be interpreted as an attempt to create enthusiasm for a new interest of yours). Your valentine should have an idea of your finances because this holiday is for lovers and the gifts they exchange should have nothing in common with placing a bid. If she wants something she knows you can’t afford, she’s already planned her escape from the relationship and you should feel free to tell her “no way.” If she ever speaks to you again, you’re headed for a long-term relationship. If she doesn’t, you’ve been spared The Cool what was sure to have been a costly divorce. Understanding Chocolate and flowers became traditional ValChick entine’s Day gifts because they are safe. But if you This is the category that most womgive her chocolates, spare no expense. Godiva en fall into. The Cool Understanding is not only good chocolate, replete with BelChick is not a die-hard sports fan, but she gian cachet, but the image of a naked understands the general concepts of the major sports. She isn’t going to be able to tell you woman on a horse has just been who last year’s MVP was, but she knows Dirk transplanted to the back of her plays for the Mavs and that Lebron James is arromind. And never buy her gant and widely disliked. a small assortPros: She understands you need time to re-live your nonexistent “Glory days” with your Saturday pick-up buddies and encourages you to do so. She can get the ball in the general vicinity of the basket and thinks it’s fun to play, but you are in no danger of losing to her in Horse…unless you want to. Cons: In some cases she may not be as hot as the Jealous Girly Girl, because if she was why would she care about sports? Tips: See sexy jersey tip.
by Jeff Putnam - Editor
ment for the same reason you wouldn’t g Go all out! Flowers are tricky. Don’t buy her a pl requires care. Huge flowers like glads are ian restaurants have dibs on them for dé idea that you’re presumptuously decorati and not merely trying to please her. Roses got to be long-stemmed and dark red. Ita the white ones for their homicide victims you buy her should have a strong scent, u sale in supermarkets, which might as well Stay away from jewelry and perfume un has been your valentine for quite some little bottles with scent in them probably re attempts to please her. Anything she boug was sure to have been all over her wrist fir Jewelry can get pricy but no woman in mind expects diamonds on Valentine’s Da does, please throw this paper away and pick up another one. You are hereby expe from our demographic! If she wants som thing you can afford, she may have lef hints—for example, magazines left open. Best if she’s open about her desires, but if she uses wiles, let her know you’re onto them. After all, the only gift that matters is the gift of your bodies and souls. If she’s given you hers, she needs the reassurance that she’s still free to reinvent herself.
gift her a diet book.
lant or anything that e wrong because Italécor; she may get the ing your relationship s are best, but they’ve alians have dibs on s. And any flowers unlike the kind on be made of paper. nless this woman time. All those epresent failed ght for herself rst. n her right ay. If she never elled meft
11 by Samuel Chase – “Culture Warrior”
Only among children in the lower grades of school, in their first, fumbling attempts to express affection for each other, are there likely to be any surprises on Valentine’s Day. Among adults, the day itself, the gifts or greetings exchanged then, the sentiments expressed, are meant as reassurance: “I remembered, I thought of you, I took the time to try to please you.” Even so, how can you be sure that flowers, chocolate, perfume, etc., is what she wants just because it’s a traditional and therefore expected way of expressing loyal affection? And since the gifts are meant to go both ways on this special day, why not take away the guesswork and help each other to create some romance? In advance, lovers who want to reassure each other can agree that this year will be different: by giving the gift of time together—shopping for each other as part of a dinner date. First the shopping, since stores close earlier than restaurants, then a light dinner that is sure to include things that you both really like and don’t get to eat that often, and finally some musical event or other entertainment, during which you will have the chance to metabolize what might well be a greater than usual number of alcoholic drinks. All that needs to be planned is where you will go to accomplish these objectives. Fortunately, convenient options in the Metroplex are not lacking. OUT ON THE TOWN: In Dallas there are four good choices to shop, party, eat and be entertained—from one parking spot or rapid transit stop. The West End district and Mockingbird Station can
be accessed by rapid transit. Lower Greenville and Deep Ellum are more appropriate to a classic pub crawl. Starting at lowest Lower Greenville and working North, why not toast each other and gift each other until it’s time for a quick meal at the Aw Shucks, for example, and a show at the Granada Theater across the street? Venues in Deep Ellum are more spread out and retail is limited, but maybe it’s time to gift your date one of those chocolate martinis you’ve heard about… THE MALL DATE: The Galleria and North Park malls are perfect for a Valentine’s gift-date because they have upscale shops—including chocolatiers—along with fine dining and entertainment options. Moving toward the suburbs, especially to the north of Dallas, huge megaplexes have sprung up, and you may have visited them already this year, but this time the point will not be to check items off a shopping list but to cater to each other’s whims, whether looking at a window display or at the offerings on a menu. SUNDANCE SQUARE: Downtown Fort Worth might be too sedate for full-tilt partiers but it’s a perfect place to bring off a romantic Valentine’s date. There is an abundance of free parking, all the retail options of a major city squeezed together in a bustling—and safe—downtown location; fine dining like Daddy Jack’s and concert and music options including live jazz and Bass Hall (where Boz Scaggs will be performing this Valentine’s Day). CHEAP THRILLS: Most major retail areas in the Metroplex now include bookstores among their retail options, and the gift of a book is the easiest of all to personalize. The main Half-Price Books on Northwest Highway has an excellent café with many food options as well as reasonable coffee drinks. As with all the above choices, on this occasion you will want to bring a sturdy shopping bag to carry home your gifts to each other. In planning any of the dates proposed above, it will help if you’re open with your partner about the things you need and the sort of evening you’d like to have. Yet both of you should also be open to gratifying a desire that arises on the spot, in the course of your date—sure to be associated in years to come with that Valentine’s Day in 2011.
by Bronte Erwin
Texting Your Way To Love
Recently when I texted my friend the obligatory “Whr U at?” he called me back and told me not to text him because he does not have a text plan, to which I responded “Then how do you get laid?” Over the past five years the emergence of texting has completely changed the game of love, replacing what was once an instant and personal process with calculated, distant analysis. The facelessness of texting eases the apprehension of calling to ensure she gave you a real number because it is much less painful to get a text saying “wrong number buddy,” than having to explain to some hung-over guy why you are calling him at 11 a.m. on a Saturday. Texting completely eliminates the awkward voicemail where you ask her out while trying to distinguish yourself from the dozen other numbers she got from the previous night. A message that inevitably ruins the hour of work you put in portraying yourself as a self-assured man-about-town and replaces it with a pathetic unsure teenager hoping to lose his virginity. Texting, “Grt meeting U Wanna grab drink this wk – Bronte” reads like Gatsby compared to “Hi. It’s Bronte. We played pool on Friday. Uhm, well yeah. So. I was wanting to see if you wanted to grab a drink or maybe grab lunch this week. So give me a call. My number is 214…[BEEP].” And it is not just the early exchanges but every exchange during the courtship. With the ability to think before sending, even the drollest dimwit can be charming. And the reader will complete the fantasy by acoustically filling the text with the voice of George Clooney. It also takes the guesswork out of whether she got your message. If you didn’t get an error message, she got it; because no woman under 60-years-old is ever without her cell phone, and single women attack a cell-phone alert in their purse with the dexterity of a snake striking a rabbit-hole. Texting also makes even the most drunken booty-call sound like an invitation to a romantic evening of lovemaking. But where texting has had the most impact on dating is its unique ability to be almost undetectably deceitful. Nothing is more dangerous than blowing off ten missed calls from a girlfriend, except possibly finally calling her back sloshed from a bar bathroom, hoping no one opens the door. But returning a missed call with a text update makes her feel she has tabs on you without actually having any idea what you are doing. And in a text there is no way to judge exactly how drunk you are until you actually show up. At which point, as long as you can maintain suitable public decorum, all will be forgiven once she has had a couple of glasses of wine or the house lights go down. The technical name for texting is SMS or short messaging system. Similarly, the perfect lie can be defined as being vague and not saying too much. This is why texting has made it incredibly easy to juggle multiple women. Regular brief noncommittal text like, “leavin now txt when knw whr goin” will ensure there won’t be any surprise meetups. And keeping multiple girls on the hook in this manner will allow you to analyze the prospects for the evening, ultimately picking the best deal. Likely you will end the night by texting: “crzy night cant wait 2 tell U wanna com by apt?” Texting, once used to find a friend in a crowded bar, has changed every aspect of relationships from the awkwardness of courtship, to the semantics of dating, to the sinister aspects of lust. This isn’t to say texting is a tool used by men to deceive and seduce women. Texting has empowered women in many of the same ways it has men. Furthermore, it has freed women, allowing them to remain demure while getting their groove on. It is likely texting is helping relationships by allowing men and women to have personal time without completely ignoring their significant other. What texting is doing explicitly for a man is allowing him to communicate with women without putting his foot in his mouth.
13 by Frank LaCosta – “Football Fanatic”
The Super Bowl has come and gone and what a crazy week it was. On Monday the teams arrived and on Tuesday, the worst weather the Metroplex had seen in a long time left an impression on the national media. The ghost of Tom Landry had sent a reminder that he was not a fan of the Packers or Steelers. On Wednesday the big parties had started off as the Aces and Angels Celebrity Poker Tournament took center stage. It seemed like a billion parties soon followed. On Thursday night at the Frontiers of Flight Museum there was The Cowboy Gathering charity event for the Larry Brown Foundation. Tons of Dallas Cowboy legends were in attendance doing everything they could to support the event. Friday night’s Leather & Laces function at Hotel ZaZa was incredible with Nicole Scherzinger and Kevin Dillon headlining. Not to be outdone, on Saturday night the Leather & Laces event followed up with Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt. To wrap things up, Super Bowl XLV was nothing short of spectacular as the two storied teams from Green Bay and Pittsburgh delivered an exciting game. The team from the little town of Green Bay won the biggest game in the NFL on the world’s biggest stage in front of 103,219 fans.
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by Dennis Hambright
I believe in saying exactly what I think, and even though sometimes that chute that runs from my brain to my mouth gets overly greased and words fly out before I can whittle off all the rough edges, I’ve tried to consider people’s feelings and not be impolite. Until now. What the hell has happened to common courtesy and manners? Are people consciously trying to be social morons? Did I miss the memo announcing some contest for people to see how rude and inconsiderate they can be? Is there a big cash prize being offered for public rudeness and stupidity? If not, then we need a law that gives decent citizens the right
to whip out a three-foot length of rubber garden hose and thrash the daylights out of people who’ve joined this burgeoning cult of rude and inconsiderate social buffoons. The decline of common courtesy has bunched my britches for quite a while, but I witnessed something the other night that pushed me over the edge. I was enjoying a cup of coffee and flipping through magazines at the bookstore, and looked up just in time to see a grown man rear back and let loose a sneeze that sprayed his DNA like an out of control crop duster all over a rack of magazines. He didn’t even attempt to
www.dennishambright.com
cover his mouth, and even flung his arms out to his sides like he thought his own spew of spittle was radioactive. My greased chute flew open and I hollered, “Hey, if you’re not going to buy them, then you shouldn’t put your mark on them.” Instead of cheers of “Amen, brother…you tell him,” people looked at me like I was the social intruder. Enough is enough! I’ll forego highlighting the more common mannerly infractions, like talking too loud on cell phones, or littering, or cussing in public, or endlessly yammering at the movie theater, and mention only three that really tweak my twizzle these days:
Out Of Control Kids: PLEASE, somebody share the secret GPS coordinates to that mystery aisle at the pharmacy where they sell magic pills that let parents ignore their rampaging, psychotic rug rats. Either that, or control your damn kids! I see them at the grocery store, and the doctor’s office, and standing in line at the bank, sliding around on the floor and climbing on furniture and banging on the walls with anything they can pick up that’s not nailed down, and screeching at the top of their lungs like they’ve lost their little minds. And somehow, their idiot parents just grin and stare off into space like nothing’s happening. Where’s my rubber hose? Not for the kids…for the parents!
People Who Can’t Park: If you can’t park it, you shouldn’t be allowed to drive it. I don’t care if it’s one of those miniature cars that look like you need to wind it up before you drive it, or a giant extendedcab, jacked-up pickup truck. If you can’t maneuver it between two white lines in the parking lot, then how about just leaving it in the driveway at home. Pick Up Your Pet Poo: I’m sick of scraping poo off my shoes that your pooch left behind. I’m just waiting for TeleBrands to offer a Poo Cannon for $19.95, plus shipping and handling, that allows me to scoopit-and-shoot-it at errant dog owners. Maybe after you’ve taken a few squishy hits in the back of the head, you’ll remember to grab a shovel or snap on your little green glove and do what you’re supposed to do.
The Single’s Survival Guide January was bad enough with the bad weather, the after-Christmas debt, and business generally slow. Now February’s here and reminders of Valentine’s Day are everywhere, which can be hard for the singles out there. Even if you are enjoying your single life, loneliness in our couple-driven world will catch up with you eventually. Here are some tips that will help you get through those lonely times and perhaps prevent you from drunk-dialing/texting one of your exes: 1. Never hang out with happy couples, even if they’re only happy on the surface. Even the slightest indication of contentment is bad for the single person. It’s like taunting a starving person with a steak dinner that they can’t have. However, you may find that many of your friends are married and must always bring along their ball and chain. (It’s a red flag if they object to the term “ball and chain.”) In that case bring a wingman, which brings me to the next piece of advice... 2. The wingman. You need to have a handful of these trusted friends on speed dial. The importance of a wingman in the life of a single person cannot be overestimated. They can help you navigate through a party where you don’t know anyone or where you might be singled out by all of the couples. They can help you chat up women or c*ck-block the tranny you think is a woman through your beer goggles. 3. Don’t give up on finding your soulmate, or at the very least, someone you can share bathroom counter space with on a daily basis. Still, hope can bring expectations that might disappoint. Instead, stop trying so hard. Pining away for some ideal can be painful and will distract you from what’s really important, like your abstract painting hobby: “Still Life in Beer Drinking.” 4. Being single can be difficult, especially in the winter months. No matter how independent and successful you may be as a single person, some days will be lonely and dismal. The best thing to get you out of this funk? Call up or hang out with friends who are completely miserable in their relationships, and since the divorce rate is 50 percent, you shouldn’t have much trouble finding one such friend. You’ll be helping such friends out, too, just by listening and letting them vent their frustrations. You can give advice, but since they won’t follow it anyway, just do it for your own entertainment. You’re as likely to stop their path of destruction as you are to stop a tornado. But more importantly, you’ll be reminded of your peaceful life that isn’t a roller coaster of emotions. 5. Get passionate about your hobbies, whatever they are. If you’re the ambitious type you could take up surfing or computer animation, or if you’re lazy it could be surfing the net or watching porn. There are hobbies for everybody, and if you really engage yourself, you’ll have less time to think about the relationship you don’t have.
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Restaurant supplier Dear BLITZbudsman: Until recently my best in-office
employee was a girl who was prompt and conscientious. When I hired her she wanted to work outside (selling restaurant supplies). The reason she is still in the office is no doubt a steep raise I gave her. Yes, I’m in love with this woman. From what she’s told me around the coffee machine, however, her father keeps a tight rein on her. Because I’m 17 years older, I fear my wealth and good health won’t change how he feels. Some weeks ago I started following her at lunchtime to see if she was meeting someone. What she was doing behind her father’s back was more shocking than I had thought. She’s a shoplifter! In the two weeks I followed her I never saw her pay for a meal. Her m.o. is simple. She goes into delis that are packed with customers during the lunch hour. Leaving because of the lines, she takes delicacies off the shelves on her way out, slips them under her coat and transfers them to her big purse when she’s back on the street. Sometimes she has to visit two or three delis before she has enough to put together the lunch that she will usually eat in a park near the office—or in bad weather, in a bus shelter or a bandstand. The other day everything changed. She was caught making off with one of those long dry salamis. I don’t know what she was thinking. I went down to the station at her request and vouched for her character. The detectives finally agreed not to inform her father and she was given a warning. When she thanked me there were tears on that beautiful face. She squeezed my arm! I told her there was still time for
lunch and invited her to a nice restaurant. I think her delight was genuine and we’ve had lunch for the last two days. Now she does no work at all, yet I’m afraid if I get rid of her I’ll never see her again. What should I do? – Frantic Samaritan
Dear Frantic: How naïve you are for someone who owns a business that sells to restaurants! It’s common knowledge that shoplifting of the habitual, kleptomaniac variety, is a plea for love—not a cry for help. The klepto doesn’t want to be caught; theft of this kind signifies a need for affection. As for the precise nature of this need, the theft of a salami speaks for itself.
In this column, conditions in the American workplace will be disclosed. Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the employers and employees ridiculed herein, and as with celebrities and politicians, nothing said by or about them should be taken seriously.
Before discussing remediation let’s address issues that smack of subreption. First, why would the police let this young woman bring her father into it unless she is a minor? You never caught on that she was lying about her age? Really. Even if she’s been on the level about her age, however, you should have been on your guard the moment the number 17 came into the picture—in Italy, the most unlucky number, and your love interest is obviously Italian. (Salami?) Anyway, this young woman’s misrepresentation to you pales next to yours to me. Any redblooded American man who understood her to be of age would have offered his own salami to give her what she’s after, father or no father. The fact that you haven’t tells me you haven’t got one! Still, being a woman could be to your advantage. Contrive to work late with her one night and throw yourself at her by the coffee machine. Without a salami, rape of a woman by a woman will be hard to prove, even with an outraged father in the picture. Who scratched first? No court will be able to decide. But your case will be strongest since her shoplifting is a matter of record. A word of caution: if you are in danger of being overpowered, you might consider the use of flunitrazepam (the fabled “roofie”) or another strong hypnotic with amnesic potential. Please consult your physician first to be sure you know what you are doing. Write to the BLITZbudsman at blitzbudsman@blitzweekly.com
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CUQUITA’S COMIDA MEXICANA by Henry Jenkins
The Cuquita’s reviewed here sparkles with efficiency. (The Cuquita’s on N. Henderson is also a great place to eat comida casera, but funkier.) Both the restaurant and the numerous Mexicans or Mexican-Americans who regularly patronize this place are well-scrubbed. Nights and weekends the clientele is dressier in the way of rancho-dwellers, with big silver belt-buckles in evidence and unscuffed cowboy boots. The welcome at Cuquita’s is genuine and pervasive, extending to the first food that will be placed in front of you: a hot, homemade tortilla for each diner with a pat of butter and two kinds of salsa. The salsa deserves a separate word. Both kinds offered are red: one thick and comparatively mild, the other thin and fiery. Both are exuberantly flavorful and can be splashed on anything you order here or scooped up with tostaditas. To begin, try the guacamole which has never disappointed. The recipe is simple: mashed avocadoes with a little salt. The pico de gallo with it can be added to taste or left off entirely. The portion is so large you’ll be able to add a dollop to the other dishes you order. The gorditas are authentic and priced so that you can sample three for the cost of a main course. Many kinds are offered and they are all strikingly different. Authenticity is the main thing here. Cuquita’s traces its ancestry to Monterrey and this is the kind of food you will find in central Mexico from Monterrey south through San Luis Potosí along the Sierra Madre Oriental. This is ranch country and there are resemblances to the kinds of dishes favored by ranchers north of the border. For one thing, lots of meat. Seasonings are fiery but there are no goopy sauces. Take the chicken flautas, where the shredded meat inside seems to have been steamed. Both the chicken and the crisp cylinder that contains it have an intense flavor; with a little guacamole and pico de gallo this is a memorable dish. The pollo con mole is so good that it has become something like a standing order when I come here. Again, it’s very simple: drumstick and thigh, Spanish rice, shredded lettuce and an abundance of delicious, dark-brown sauce. I can’t
CUQUITA’S COMIDA MEXICANA 8076 Spring Valley, Dallas 214-575-3188 Open every day 10-9
“Man in the Kitchen”
taste the chocolate but I’m sure I would taste the absence of it. The guiso de puerco is another favorite here, but there’s so much pork that I have to take some home whenever I order it. The sauce that colors this dish bright red is muy picante. Portions for the other meat dishes are also huge, and the steak and potatoes comes not only with a huge portion of meat but more fried potatoes than any but a hungry cowhand could possibly eat. I was informed by a friend that some insane person posted unkind words on the net for the rice and beans at this restaurant. Cuquita’s version of this staple is, in subtle ways, the best I’ve ever tasted. I’m not sure that the Tex-Mex is the very best one could find in the Metroplex, but why bother with such offerings in a restaurant that specializes in Mexican food? The waitresses are all warm, charming and efficient. Horchata is the drink of choice or Mexican beer. I’m quite sure my sense of wellbeing upon leaving this restaurant has nothing to do with the modest cost of everything, but who cares the reason? How many times these days do you eat a bit too much and still feel good about yourself?
JOKES
17
HORRORSCOPES
FUNNIES
Q: How do you keep a blonde at home? A: Build a circular driveway.
Q: Where do you find a one-legged dog? A: Where you left it. Q: What do you call two hookers who testify on behalf of their pimp? A: Support hos. The Flight
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?” She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. The annual Sex-Education Convention in Chicago.” He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really,” he said. “What myths are those?” “Well,” she explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed, when in fact, it’s the Native American who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”
ACROSS: 1. Untidyness 5. Pair 8. Coke or Pepsi 12. Wheel shaft 13. Reluctant 15. Majestic 16. Secular 17. Not video 18. Not closed 19. Impossible 22. Regret 23. Antlered animal 24. Ritual 26. Accomplish 29. A city in the Ukraine 31. American Dental Association 32. Bowel cleasing 34. Impudent 36. Blowgun missile 38. Ganders and goslings 40. Pickable 41. Chose 43. Inhabit 45. Animal doctor 46. Accord 48. Slob 50. ___ meridiem
51. Nigerian tribesman 52. Tasseled cap 54. A group of many islands 61. Keen 63. Beginnings of plants 64. Once ____ a time 65. Eat 66. Ancient Roman magistrate 67. List of choices 68. Killed 69. Before 70. X X X X DOWN: 1. A landlocked republic in NW Africa 2. Test 3. Slide 4. Hush-hush 5. Boast 6. Dry riverbed 7. Auditory 8. Chief executive officer 9. Tyrannical 10. In ___ of (replacing) 11. Pimples 13. Deficient 14. Stockpile
20. Wings 21. Untruths 25. Russian emperor 26. Customize 27. An orange-yellow food dye 28. Destitute 29. Fertile areas in deserts 30. Colorado resort 31. Bother 33. Kitten’s cry 35. Nevertheless 37. Adolescent 39. Oval 42. Information 44. A rounded projection 47. Brusque 49. Loudness 52. Crazes 53. Wickedness 55. Let go 56. Inheritor 57. Doing nothing 58. Culminating point 59. Departed 60. Burden 62. Morning moisture
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DEAR DOG OWNERS
by Pat Moran
“Man on his Throne”
First of all, dogs are great. They make great pets and wonderful companions. I’ve had dogs all my life and have been noticing an alarming trend lately. People have pretty much stopped picking up their dogs’ crap. It seems obvious to me, but apparently it’s not clear to most of the population. If you own a dog, then you own everything that comes with it. If it is hungry, then you feed it. If it is sick, you take it to the vet. You care for the damn dog. So the same thing should apply when your dog takes a crap. You pick it up. That’s the price you pay to own a dog. You have to pick it up. I don’t own your dog, so I really don’t want to have to pick up after it. I really don’t want to have to clean off my shoes because you are either too lazy or too grossed out to take care of the piles in my yard. I have noticed an alarming amount of people pretending not to notice when their dog stops to use the bathroom and walk off, pretending not to notice the present the dog left behind. I see you, a$$hole, and I don’t think you realize how deserving you are of a swift kick to the nuts. Look, if you can’t pay your bills, you can’t use your credit card. The same idea should go along with owning pets... If you can’t take care of your pets then you really shouldn’t have one. You don’t deserve to have a dog. It’s disgusting and those of you who don’t pick up your dogs’ crap should be ashamed of yourselves. Pick it up or else things are going to have to have to get dirty. I’m not going to step in your shit, I’m going to step in your face. Sound good? Great. Have a nice day.