Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23

FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012

ON DECK THE LEGEND OF JEREMY LIN By Keysha Hogan @TheKeysha

E SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Bad Boys Bad Boys 3 Health News 4 Mavericks News 6 Stars News 7 Randy Moss Part Deux 8 Hot Heads 8 COVER STORY Mardi Gras in the Cliff 10 Mardi Gras History 10 Mardi Pardis 11 BLITZ BABE OF THE WEEK Debra 12 BLITZ ENTERTAINMENT Polyphonic Spree 13 Seven Things in Seven Days 13 Restaurant Review 14 Infidelity 14 Hollywood Shuffle 15 Hollywood Profile 15 Movie Review 15 Auto Review 16 Gadgets 16 Joystick 16 BLITZ FUNNYS Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 THE CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 Understanding My Hobby 18 2-Minute Drill 18 Publisher Kelly G. Reed

Editor C. Patterson

Graphic Designer Damien Mayfield

Photo Editor Darryl Briggs

Cover Photographer Darryl Briggs Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Hannah Allen, Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Judy Chamberlain, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, David Goodspeed, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith, Jesse Whitman Contributing Photographers Keith Allison, Jeffery Beall, Bridget Coila, SD Dirk, Melanie Innis, Julie Kertesz, Philippe Leroyer, Teymur Madjderey, Traveling Mermaid, Javier Moreno, Nathan Rupert, Bridget Samuels, Amika San, Sascha Wenninger, Brandon Seifert, Julie Weatherbee, Polina Sergeeva, DV Yang, Aeviin, Joel, GasBombGirl, I Am The Steve, tyfn Contributing Writers Lauren Aiken, Cote Bailey, Keysha Hogan, Mateeka Lanee, Angela Navin, Jack L. Pier, Johnny Reeves, Aeryn Ripley, Joe Stumpo, Walter Urban

very comic book lover worth their Star Wars lunchbox knows that the greatest of illustrated sagas are grounded in mesmerizing origin stories. A well-constructed origin story will give us insight into how the hero acquired their superpowers and why they pursue their goals with unflinching dedication. For example, Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and motivated to fight crime after blaming himself for his uncle’s untimely death. I’m not sure Jeremy Lin’s start is ready for the exceedingly dramatic pages of Marvel comics, but his story has definitely captivated the world. Young Jeremy Lin was not awarded a single athletic scholarship when he graduated from high school, but after an initial rejection from Harvard University, he went on to join the team. While playing for the Crimson he was unanimously chosen for the All-Ivy League First Team in his junior and senior years. After graduating with an economics degree and a 3.1 GPA, he went undrafted in 2010. He made the rounds in the Summer League and eventually joined his beloved hometown team, the Golden State Warriors. Although his performance with the Warriors was decent, he was sent to an affiliated D-League team three times. Each time he was demoted, he was recalled back to the Warriors. Eventually Golden State made the decision to free up salary cap space and cut him on the first day of training camp after the 2011 lockout. Within in the same month, the New York Knicks picked him up off of waivers. So far, in his history we see a pattern of hard work and setbacks. He was a decent player in high school, yet no scholarships. He was turned away from Harvard, but then later

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YAY, YOU’RE FAMOUS!

SO YOUR CELLMATES WILL KNOW YOUR NAME!

accepted. He was demoted to the D-League, but always returned. All the parts of a decent original story are coming into place, but in order for a man to reach legendary status there must be events that seem impossible or miraculous. On February 4th, Lin was pulled from the bench to help a struggling Knicks’ offense. In that game he scored a career-high 25 points, had seven assists and outmatched the Nets’ All-Star point guard Deron Williams. Combined with his next two games, he put up 89 points, which is the most any NBA player has scored in their first three starts since the 1976 merger. And, in the process of Photo Courtesy: DV Yang becoming an international sensation, he may have inadvertently saved coach Mike D’Antoni’s job and allowed us all to delight in watching Kobe get schooled. The unassuming, devoutly Christian, American of Taiwanese descent who has been sleeping on the couch at his brother’s one bedroom East Village apartment has driven the world to “Linsanity”. Stories like Lin’s resonate with us because it highlights the way we hope the world functions on a universally profound level. We want hard work to equal success, and we want the underdog to have his moment in the spotlight. Through the remainder of the season we will witness reports that he is an overnight success that came from nowhere. But you’ll know the truth. Lin’s story won’t be concerned with tales of fame and fortune. No matter what shape his career takes over the coming years, he will be known for his perseverance, his ability, and his capacity for growth. And as international networks clamor to show NBA games in untapped markets, his potential for influence in the name of the underdog will undoubtedly be the hallmark of Lin’s legend.

It Ain’t Death Row But It’s Close! - Being stopped by the cops is bad enough, having warrants while currently on probation is worse, and let’s go for the trifecta; lets have some weed with us too! That’s what our old pal Suge Knight did last week in Las Vegas and apparently “What happens in Vegas…can get you thrown into a place known for sodomy.” People must turn the channel during that part of the commercial.

Aziz Ansari @azizansari

Just heard back from my agent did NOT get the part of “Little Boy That Sings the Star Spangled Banner” in The Dark Knight Rises.

‘Cell Improvement’ - Former Home Improvement child star Taran Noah Smith sure likes his hash and we don’t mean the corned beef variety either. Earlier this month Tim Allen’s pretend kid was arrested and has been charged with driving under the influence and possession of hash. He faces up to a year and a half in jail and $1,500 in fines. Even with his showbiz past Smith couldn’t act sober. Bummer. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23 Photo Courtesy: SCA.com

OVER 50? RECOVERY IS THE KEY TO EXERCISE ENJOYMENT & PERFORMANCE By Walter Urban – www.WalterUrban.com

fter 15 years of National and International powerlifting competitions with training three to four days a week, two to three hours a day, 50 weeks of the year, I am convinced recovery over 50 is the key to enjoyment, performance and exercise longevity! If you are just starting to exercise or a seasoned veteran of any physical activity such as running, weightlifting, cross fit training, biking, swimming muscle and overall body recovery is very important and as you get older recovery its paramount! Recovery includes, sleep, rest, eating, hydration and may also include the use of ice, heat, therapeutic massage and/or active release. For those of us over 50, recovery can be a bit longer due to a slower metabolism. I am convinced that with proper training, we can be just as strong as 30 year olds, but our recovery can be significantly longer. The following are a few of my personal suggestions on recovery at any age after training or working out: 1. 2. 3. 4.

Cool down – don’t just stop abruptly Stretch after cool down – even for just a few minutes Replace fluids water, Gatorade, protein drinks, milk (avoid alcohol) Eat within 30 to 60 minutes after your exercise – ensure you eat protein and complex carbohydrates to replace much needed nutrients – eating within 30 to 60 minutes speeds recovery by 50% 5. Rest the specific muscle group 24 to 48 hours 6. Make ice your best friend – it reduces minor muscle pain and helps get blood in those muscles 7. Use heat when necessary 8. Avoid over training – there are no medals for over training only injury and rehab 9. Use Massage 10. Use Active Release 11. If pain persists, back off and visit your – working through the wrong kind of pain can result in serious injury and long rehabs 12. Be smart and listen to your body – it’s the only one you have Remember if it was easy everyone would do it and it is exercise. So it will hurt from time to time. Be smart and take time to recover properly and you will be at your passion until you’re 90!

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23

FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23 Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

UPCOMING SCHEDULE: 2/15 NUGGETS 7:30 P.M. 2/17 @ 76ERS 7:00 P.M. 2/19 @KNICKS 12:00 P.M. 2/20 CELTICS 7:00 P.M.

MANAGING MINUTES MAVS LEARN TO FINISH GAMES By Geoff Case – @geoffcase

he difference that Jason Kidd makes the 97-94 victory Saturday night. can be felt most during the closing West finished the game with 10 points minutes of a game. He’s the crucial on 5-of-11 shooting. He was just 2-of-8 piece that allows the Mavericks to before he subbed in the second overtime. overcome deficits in the final minutes by “Phenomenal,” Carlisle said of West. “The finding easy points. When guy stays ready and he’s he was out for six games a money player. He’s had due to injury it felt like the that reputation since he’s Mavericks weren’t winning been in the league, really. the close games they usualWe’d been battling pretty ly are able to pull out. He’s good, but we needed a at the end of his illustrious lift.” The Mavericks will career so the Mavericks continue to manage these need to be wary of which older guys’ minutes during spots to use him in. the grinding lockout schedThe 38-year-old Kidd ule. The brutal schedule’s has played in more games effects can be seen in box than any other active playscores across the country. er in the NBA. He said his It’s one of the reasons why calf felt fine and his biggest neither team could reach challenge is getting back in triple digits even though shape. Mavs coach Rick they had ten extra minutes Carlisle has stated that to do so. Kidd has a minute ceiling this season that he will not Blowing leads? go over. After the first overThe Mavs are now 2-0 in time against Portland, with overtime games this season his minutes having crawled with Saturday’s win. They just north of 30, Jason Kidd also beat the San Antonio headed to the bench. That Spurs in OT at home. The Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs is proof in the pudding that common thread in both of Carlisle will not violate the ceiling. those games is that Dallas blew 18-point Smart call in retrospect with Jason Kidd leads. The Blazers win was the Mavs’ first playing on the second night of back-to- double-overtime game since losing to San back games after having missed six due Antonio 133-126 on Dec. 9, 2008. The to injury, and had already played a com- Mavericks seem to get lackadaisical when plete overtime period. However, that didn’t acquiring big leads and don’t take care of stop Jason Kidd from impacting the game the ball like they should. Against Portland from the bench promptly getting in replace- the Mavs tallied eight turnovers and four ment Delonte West’s ear. “J-Kidd told me missed threes in the second quarter, ten to go out there and be aggressive,’’ West more turnovers in the second half, and a said.”The way they were playing Dirk, he game that seemed to be under control was saw it before I got out there. He said I’d be tied. Rick Carlisle definitely has noticed able to turn the corner and get the shot off. this alarming trend. “Right now we have As soon as I turned that corner, it was wide- to do better with turnovers.”Carlisle said. open. West had not played since leaving “We are doing some things that are just unthe game with about six minutes to go in characteristically weird out there.” These the fourth quarter. He sat down with four turnovers should start heading down now points. So, naturally, West, the lone player that Jason Kidd is back into the rotation with fresh legs on either team, scored the but it’s definitely something that Mavs fans Mavs’ first six points and set them up for should keep on eye on.

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FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012 Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

UPCOMING SCHEDULE: 2/16 FLAMES 7:30 P.M. 2/18 @ COYOTES 7:00 P.M. 2/19 PREDATORS 6:00 P.M. 2/21 @ CANADIENS 6:30 P.M.

FALLING STARS STARS BACK-TO-BACK WOES CONTINUE

Dallas Polo Club

LE A R N T O P L AY P O L O NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG

C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1

By Tony Barone – tbarone@blitzweekly.com

ack-to-back is a significant factor points out of the seventh playoff spot. Inin professional sports. It pertains stead, the shoot-out loss leaves them 3-2-1 to playing games on consecutive since the break and in a tie for ninth place nights. When the Dallas Stars were in the conference, and most importantly on contenders they were masters at winning the outside looking in for now in the playboth ends of back-to-backs. If the Stars miss off chase. the playoffs for a “You have to get on a fourth consecuroll, 1-1 isn’t going to cut tive year, the orit,” Gulutzan said before ganization may the Buffalo setback. “You want to schedule can look at the standings a management and figure out your points session entitled and it’s not going to cut it. “How to get the We have to start stringing magic back in things back-to-back. Tomorback-to-backs”. row’s a good start. You’re For the 2011not going to stay on zero 2012 season, forever and hopefully tothe Stars have morrow we’ll put a one in come up winless that column.” That didn’t 10 times in the happen. second game of consecutive tilts, Lehtonen made some resporting a 0-8-2 markable saves in the disrecord. The latappointing loss in Buffalo, est miscue saw showing no signs of an them squanderillness that had been bothing a 2-0 third ering him prior to the Stars period lead in road trip. Buffalo before losing 3-2 in a “Leading until the last shoot-out. minute, we can be happy What is even about that,” said Lehtonen, more glaring in who stopped 34 shots those 10 games Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs through overtime. “But we is they have been outscored by a whopping 40-16. have to be able to close these games. Two On the road, they are 0-7-1 in second points is a lot better than one.” games and have been outscored 33-13. The Stars have less than 10 games Stars Coach Glen Gulutzan had originally planned on playing back-up Goalie Rich- remaining before the February 27 trade ard Bachman in Buffalo, but changed his deadline. If they don’t win at least half mind in favor of red-hot Kari Lehtonen to those games, the Stars and GM Joe Nieustop the jinx. The move appeared to work wendyk may decide to become “Sellers” at the deadline and move some of the existuntil the late game meltdown. The loss in Buffalo underscored the sig- ing veterans on the squad to contenders. Stars fans should brace themselves as nificance of putting together back-to-back wins. A win in Buffalo would have given this could include trading crowd favorites the Stars a 4-2-0 record since the All-Star such as Captain Brenden Morrow and break and 5-2-0 in their last seven if you go tough guy Steve Ott for younger prospects. back before the break. A win would have Morrow and Ott are the perfect role playput them into the eighth and last playoff ers for teams looking to shore up their rosspot in the Western Conference and two ters for a playoff run. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23 Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison

HOT HEADS ATHLETES THAT SHOULD BE PRESCRIBED A CHILL PILL By Cote Bailey – @BlitzWeekly

By Johnny Reeves – @BlitzWeekly

omewhere on a field of grass in Hattiesburg, MS Brett Favre is warming up his throwing arm. On February 13 the news broke that Randy Gene Moss – future Hall of Famer, seven-time Pro Bowler, and delusional jackass – is planning an NFL comeback. Moss made the announcement via the social media outlet UStream. “Your boy is going to come back and play some football,” said the great one. Yay! Now my fantasy roster will be unbeatable! Seriously? Could one even imagine a bigger social pariah to place in a locker room? Oh, wait maybe JaMarcus Russell can come and throw him a few practice balls and manage his PR. Moss is quite possibly the most talented person to ever play the receiver position – ever. I would be willing to throw the gauntlet with anyone over Moss’ athletic supremacy over Jerry Rice any day due in part to the main reason why “Everyone Hates Randy.” People (myself included) say he is a ‘fair-weather’ player, he plays ‘halfassed’, and he’s undedicated. Well, if all or even any of these things are true then Moss must have the DNA code of a Greek god because he managed to grab 954 receptions and 153 touchdowns without even giving a damn about playing. The Tennessee Titans were the last team to “Your boy is going to buy front row seats to the “Randy Show.” Lets come back and play just say they were unimpressed and Moss some football,” said the abruptly retired on August 1, 2011. There great one. are quite a few teams that could benefit from the talent that Moss brings to the table, namely the St. Louis Rams, the Jaguars, the Cowboys, the Bears, or the Panthers could use Randy’s explosiveness and super glue hands. The problem will come when Moss opens his mouth – and he inevitably will – and takes a jackhammer to his teams cohesiveness a la Terrell Owens. One thing we can be sure of is that Randy’s workout will be watched by almost every team, some to see what he can do for their offense and others to see what he can do against their defense. Call him destructive, call him disruptive, egotistical, or a crybaby; whatever you call Mr. Moss he is a captivating and polarizing figure with unfathomable natural God-given ability, who at times in his career was insanely good and incredibly unwanted. Celebrated and repudiated. Praised and jeered. Would we want him any other way? Nope. The fact of the matter is that we enjoy Randy’s insanity; we revel in it. Football needs Randy and we need Randy. Maybe he has learned to play nice during his time on the couch. Perhaps he wakes up, sniffs flowers and gives motivational speeches to orphans. Maybe just maybe the NFL will be graced with the presence of a calm, dedicated, team player. And maybe Jerry Jones will stop charging you to park and Hugh Hefner will be able to raise the flag Viagra free.

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Ray Lewis – This guy is a 36-year-old linebacker still hitting guys like they deflowered his daughter on prom night. Google this dude’s starting lineup dance, it’s some scary sh*t. Steve Downie – Speaking of the clinically insane. Take a look at the Tampa Bay Lightning’s winger who is known for extreme temper flares then full on eruptions. How can you be that hot headed when you work on ice? Ironic. Vicente Padilla – This founding father of the ‘doucheoisie’ has pegged 106 batters in his career thus far. Ol’ bean a batter Padilla is also known to carry a gun – hopefully not on the mound because he’s pretty accurate from there. Ndamukong Suh – Mr. Suh has never met a head he wouldn’t stomp. The holder of the most fines for illegal hits, Ndamukong could single-handedly pay the NFL’s office supplies bill for the entire year. Danica Patrick – The first lady of NASCAR has had quite a history of “laying the smackdown” just ask Milko Duno. Milton Bradley – Don’t let the name fool you this guys no family friendly board game company. Now that I think of it, he’s kind of an a*shole. Bradley throws balls and bottles at fans, fights umpires and reporters and threatens to kill his wife. Allegedly. Kevin Garnett – Mr. Garnett tends to take trash talking a bit far once calling an opponent a “cancer patient.” John Daly – One of the most hilarious guys to ever step foot on the green. His antics and meltdowns are a thing of legend. Serena Williams – Hmmm let’s see, how can we put this? We’re just gonna come right out and say it “If I could, I would take this f*cking ball and shove it down your f*cking throat!” Classic Serena. Circa 2009.

Photos Courtesy: Keith Allison, Clyde, Bridget Samuels, Jeffery Beall, Amika San, SD Dirk, Sascha Wenninger

OH, RANDY HOW WE’VE MISSED YOU

These guys and gals need to learn to relax a bit. After all, it’s just a game and you’re super rich, so… what’s the problem?

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23

FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012

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S DASH FOR THE BEAD K AL 5K RUN/W 8am Saturday February 18 s lla Da t, ee Str Seventh Pets/People • Best Costume Contest Cliff k • Benefits FIDO of Oa rg s.o www.dashforthebead ERADE BALL OCARNIVALE MASQU 7pm Saturday February 18 ter ea Th The Kessler Unusual Dressed • Prizes for Best & Most • Full themed bar • Dancing all night ff • Benefiting GO Oak Cli om f.c clif ak www.mardigraso

Photos Courtesy: Brandon Seifert, Bridget Coila, Julie Weatherbee, Melanie Innis, Nathan Rupert, Traveling Mermaid, Darryl Briggs

DE MARDI GRAS PARA m 4p 19 ary bru Sunday Fe s lla Da t, ee Davis Str ads • Floats, bands, and be hop Arts District Bis • Crawfish Boil in a pound with corn (3,000 pounds/hr) $15 tatoes on the cob and boiled po om f.c clif ak aso www.mardigr

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23

By Blitz Weekly Staff – @blitzweekly

LETS BEGIN:

Lupercalia was the pre-Roman then ancient Roman mid-February festival to restore purity to the city, as well as, releasing health and fertility. When Romans embraced Christianity they outlawed most pagan rituals…they let Lupercalia stick around.

Carnival became a period of time to “let it all out” so to speak before the strict regiment of Lent began on Ash Wednesday. By the Middle Ages Carnival had made it to Paris, France and was now being referred to as Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday) preceded by Shrove Monday (now known as Lundi Gras).

1699 – Mardi Gras crossed the Atlantic with French explorer Pierre Le Moyne d’Iberville. When Iberville crossed the Gulf of Mexico and set up camp 60 miles south of modern day Nouvelle Orle’ans (that’s N’awlins to y’all) on March 3 at the same time France was celebrating Mardi Gras he decided to name the location Point du Mardi Gras.

In 1711 the first Mardi Gras parade is held in Mobile, Alabama. By the late 18th Century, masquerades and festivals were a part of French New Orleans culture but the traditions were abandoned when the Spanish took over. New Orleans came under U.S rule in 1803 but the masquerades did not continue until 1827. 1837 the first parade is documented and Mardi Gras is quickly getting a reputation as spectacle for violent behavior (go figure). The Mistick Krewe of Comus, a group of six businessmen from Mobile Alabama in 1856 came up with a way to celebrate Mardi Gras in a less crude fashion. They also introduced marching bands, rolling floats, and black torch holders known as “flambeaux” into their night parades. Their parades continued until 1991 when their refusal to segregate prompted them to withdraw from parading, though they still hold an annual ball. Comus was, and still is, a secret society of the city’s most wealthy and elite men. From the year 1861 to 1864 there was no Mardi Gras due to a little skirmish known as the Civil War. It was also halted for WWI and WWII. Mardi Gras parades are organized by “Krewes” and some of the most famous in New Orleans are ZULU, Bacchus, Endymion, and of course the King of Mardi Gras, Rex.

From January 6th to Ash Wednesday the official food of Mardi Gras are king cakes (Gateau des Rois) – a tradition dating back to the Middle Ages – these cakes can always be found in the official colors of purple (justice), green (faith) and gold (power). Hidden inside each cake is a small plastic baby – stemming from an earlier tradition of finding la fève (the bean). The person who finds the baby must buy the next king cake. The official song of Mardi Gras is “If Ever I Cease To Love” the theme of King Rex. Mardi Gras Indians can also be found celebrating in their own unique way. Although no one knows their exact history (they were first referenced in 1746), everyone knows that they are an integral part of the season. They make bright handmade, ornate and beautiful costumes – some weigh up to 150 pounds.

The Tableaux Society dates back to the Twelfth Night Revelers and staging tableaux balls and the selection of a queen. Whoever found “Fève façonné médaillon” (bean-shaped locket) would become queen. Mardi Gras has a special place in the heart of Girls Gone Wild. The series has become a Bourbon St. staple hosting wild balcony parties for the past decade. Blaine Kern, “Mr. Mardi Gras,” and his company build 70 percent of the floats that are the focal point of parades. Most of his creations from his 65-year career can be found in Mardi Gras World, a New Orleans tourist attraction.

Joie de vivre

d h e e 0 y s h e s -

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23

FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012

By Mateeka Lanee’ & Frank LaCosta – mateekalanee.wordpress.com

Mardi Gras — Translated from its original French to mean “Fat Tuesday”-- is hard evidence that Catholics can have fun too. The raucous parties, made so famous by the eclectic city of New Orleans, were first celebrated as the final day of sin before the 40 days of fasting, prayer, and self-denial known by believers as Lent. For most today, it’s still considered a “day without religion”, regardless of religious persuasion or lack thereof. While those of us here may not be able to get out to the carnivals of New Orleans on Februar y 21st this year, we can still party pretty hard in the Big D. With celebrations kicking off as early as the Saturday prior to Fat Tuesday, and ending right at the start of lent — as is tradition — there’s something for every breed of hedonistic party animal.

…Oh, and for everybody else:

BIG EASY NEW ORLEANS STYLE SANDWICHES

PLUSH

Night: Tuesday, Februar y 21 Cover: $10 Specials: $2 Early Bird Special Mardi Gras-themed drinks including Hurricanes and SoCo & Limes Note: Plush is a three-level cocktailstyle nightclub with a classy urban feel, committed to maintaining a sense of upscale grandeur…dress code is enforced. Ladies must be 18 years or older to get in. Men are 21 & up. Website: plushdallas.com

ZOUK

Night: Saturday, Februar y 18 Cover: None Specials: Zouk is an adult party house complete with bottle service. Giveaways of beads, plus gift cards and adult accessories courtesy of Condom Nation, with gogo dancers and 5 great DJ’s including Joe Vega and Shogun Keith. Note: Part lingerie party, part alcoholic’s paradise, women 18 and over, men 21 and up. Website: zoukdallas.com

WISH ULTRA LOUNGE

Night: Tuesday, Februar y 21 Cover: None Specials: Wish’s regular “Back to Basics” Tuesday nights get a Mardi Gras makeover with specials on Hurricanes, Hand Grenades and other themed drinks all night, plus sounds exclusive to “The Only Industry Night in Dallas”. Note: Wish was named one of the 100 best nightclubs in the nation by Nightclub & Bar Magazine Website: wishultraloungedallas.com

STATION 4

Night: Saturday Februar y 18 Cover: Free before 11 PM or $8 after Specials: Dallas’ hottest ring of Oak Lawn area clubs, Station 4, The Mining Company, The Rose Room, and JR’s Bar & Grill, offer various drink specials, plus face and body painting, famed aerialists, and drag shows. General masquerade-themed block party. Website: partyattheblock.com

www.bigeasyplano.com The party will really get going at 6:3 0pm on Fat Tuesday when the Preston Ridge Jazz Quartet starts playing som e classics. If the weather accommodates then take full advantage of their pati o. Big Easy carries the full line from Abi ta and will also have Hurricanes for you . You name it – they’ve got it! Beads, boudin balls, fried green tomatoes, gum bo, poboys and beignets. Available all day and well worth the visit.

BLACKFINN AMERICAN SALOON

www.blackfinndallas.com A Taste of New Orleans arrives to the metroplex in the form of the annual Blac kFinn Fat Tuesday party. Enjoy the draf t beer, affordably priced bombs and Hur ricanes all day. The complimentary New Orleans style buffet will bring the night toge ther. Get ready for the water pong tour nament. We hear it’s vicious and addicting.

DICK’S LAST RESORT

www.dickslastresort.com “The Shame O’ Dallas” is taking thei r Mardi Gras game up a level by hav ing their party over the weekend. That’s righ t, backto-back nights starting at 8pm. Che ap Hurricanes and drinks are complimente d by Cajun Food and live music by The Gumbo Kings. Bring beads and an attitude !

DUKE’S ORIGINAL ROADHOUSE

www.dukesoriginalroadhouse.com The folks at Duke’s Original Roa dhouse know how to party and this year’s Mardi Gras event is no different. They open at 8am for beer and beignets. Thei r parade is a sight to see. They’ll have live mus ic, live crawfish and other specials all day long. Did we mention the bead contest? Yep you can thank us later…

RAZZOO’S CAJUN CAFÉ

www.razzoos.com Razzoo’s Cajun Café wants you to “Occupy Razoo’s” the week leading up to the big day. They are offering discoun ted drink prices starting on the 13th and culminating on Fat Tuesday. Enjoy the Abi ta Drafts, Frozen Hurrycanes, Rat Toes, Bou din, Frog Legs, and Crawfish. Call the store if you’re interested in other specials. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

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BLITZ BABE OF THE WEEK

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23

FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012

GET ON THE POLYPHONIC SPREE “PLAN TO STAY AWAKE” By Jack L. Pier jackleonardpier@gmail.com

hen you buy a ticket to a New Year’s Eve show at The House of Blues in Dallas, you expect a pretty good party. Then you find out Deathray Davies are opening up… followed by Centro-Matic… and Polyphonic Spree. This is a trifecta of Dallas based musicians and bands that have made a real impact on today’s music landscape and continue to expand the region’s musical horizons. There were some other good shows in town the last night of 2011, but I couldn’t pass up the chance to see this eccentric line-up. John Dufilho, from Dallas started a side-project in 1999 that resulted in the Deathray Davies and five albums. This night, the band appeared on stage in all white outfits not unlike uniforms. Offering 60’s fuzz guitar riffs and catchy surf melodies backed by solid background vocals by drummer Robert Anderson. While their latest record: The Kick And The Snare was released in 2005, songs like “Plan To Stay Awake” still sound fresh. It was hard to believe the song “Clever Found A Name”, off their 2000 debut: The Return Of The Drunk Ventriloquist, was a dozen years old. Denton’s own Centro-Matic, took the stage next. Will Johnson and Scott Danbom harmonized beautifully on well-crafted songs.

Photo Courtesy: Javier Moreno

The band’s 2011 album Candidate Waltz was highly touted in many “Year-End, Best Of” lists, and proved to be full of very up-beat tunes and real crowd pleasers. The catchy chorus on “All The Talkers” is hard not to sing along to; and their creativity shines on songs like “Iso-Resdue”. Danbom moved seamlessly between his spot at the

keyboards and playing the bass, resulting in Mark Hedman playing guitar (who usually plays bass). A somewhat heavier sound evolved with this incarnation and it showed just how versatile the band is. Then, as the evening matured, the great Tim DeLaughter with his team of two dozen white robed musicians took the stage. Dressed

in a shaggy wig and what looked like a fuzzy cape, the man has amazing stage presence. The Polyphonic Spree’s show is nothing less than theatrical. It’s not often you see this many people on stage, unless it’s a Broadway play, not to mention instruments like a harp and a Theremin. You may remember Tim as the singer from the alternative

rock band: Tripping Daisy; another successful Dallas band from the 1990’s. Remember “I Got a Girl” and “Piranha”? Great songs! Those years of performing weren’t lost on this true showman as he made the last hour of 2011 and the first hour of 2012 a joyous occasion. While the band has some great original music, I think my favorite song is their cover of Nirvana’s “Lithium”. From the opening piano chops to the child-like chorus that transforms the song from a 1990’s grunge rock classic to a Shangri La celebration circa 2008 (the year they released it). Similarly, they breathed new life into other older classics like: “Live and Let Die” by Wings, The Who’s “Pinball Wizard” and “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond. Yes, that’s right. I said Neil Diamond. You’re in pretty good company when you can pull off songs by these greats. DeLaughter, who also runs a local label and record store in Dallas called: Good Records, puts on an extremely entertaining show that combines old favorites with orchestral arrangements that would be hard to imagine before hearing his version. Don’t pass up a chance to see this band the next time they’re in town – which just happens to be February 16th at The Sons of Herman Hall. You won’t regret it!

Photos Courtesy: I Am The Steve, Aeviin, Julie Kertesz, Philippe Leroyer, joel, Polina Sergeeva

WED. 2/15

KARAOKE WEDNESDAYS Frankie’s Sports Bar – Dallas Sing, eat wings, and get drunk all in the same place. We urge you to try the “Jacksonville Clucker” that’s a 10-piece wing, four shots of Grey Goose, and two encores of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Free Bird”. 9pm.

THURS. 2/16

ZOMBI: DALLAS 2424 Swiss Ave. – Dallas First TV, then the movies and now zombies are going after the race circuit. Go clue hunting in pursuit of attaining a Zombi Assault Pack. It’s like LARP but with undead flesh-eaters. 5:30pm.

FRI. 2/17

LATE NIGHT AT THE DALLAS MUSEUM OF ART DMA – Dallas It’s your chance to see if that Ben Stiller movie has any truth to it! This night at the museum is sure to be just as much fun, you know minus Owen Wilson. 6pm.

SAT. 2/18

MARDI GRAS IN OAK CLIFF Bishop Arts District – Dallas Dash For The Beads (5k) and show your Ta-Tas…ok don’t show your Ta-Tas, but party like you’re on Bourbon all night long. It’s the best place to be if the Big Easy is out of your reach. 7:30am.

SUN. 2/19

MARDI GRAS OAK CLIFF PARADE & CRAWFISH BOIL Bishop Arts District – Dallas Crawl out your drunken stupor from the night before because it’s time to keep on partying! It’s nothing but mudbugs, beer, and beads from here on out…well until you go back to work tomorrow. 4pm.

MON. 2/20

BEST BURGER DALLAS MONDAYS Humperdinks – Dallas So, Humperdinks on Greenville Ave. you think that your gourmet burgers and Kobe burgers are the best do you? Well we shall be the judges of that! Gentlemen ready your napkins and fill thy goblets. 11am.

TUES. 2/21

FAT TUESDAY BlackFinn – Addison Come on out and celebrate Fat Tuesday where Bourbon St. meets BlackFinn Boulevard! There’ll be a N’awlins style buffet and drink specials all night. Come get yer beads and drink on! 8pm.

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FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23

FAUXHEMIAN BURGER PARADISE VILLAGE BURGER BAR By Angela Navin – @BlitzWeekly There are those of us that eat to live; you know the ones willing to shove anything down their piehole just to satisfy the grumbling of their tummies. And then there are those of us who live to eat, constantly in search of the restaurants, dives or bars that possess that certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ in the kitchen. In such a pursuit in the area of West Village I decided to try one of the most frequented hipster burger spots, Village Burger Bar. Walking in I didn’t know how to order or where the menu was and then I remembered the name – it’s a bar so order like you’re at one – walk up to your bartender and place your order. Don’t be intimidated by the menu, take your time and decode the perfect burger combination that fits your particular taste buds. VBBar gives you ample choices; chicken, beef, even mushroom burgers for the veggie lovers. Build your ultimate burger and take command of their kitchen. Add bacon, subtract bacon, add avocado perhaps you are in the mood for fresh spinach or baby greens on your burger, they will smilingly accommodate. My choice for the day was the mushroom burger with shoestring fries. Was it the Holy Grail of burgers? No. But it was an extremely good one that came on a golden bun that was crisp in texture and added

INFIDELITY: ARE WE ALL PROMISCUOUS? By Jesse Whitman jwhitman00@gmail.com

Photo Courtesy: GasBombGirl

he consensus of the general population is convinced that most people, both men and women cheat on their partners. However, some surprising research suggests that this is a misconception and that most marriage partners are not as promiscuous as everyone thinks. In fact, only 12 percent of men report cheating on their wives, with women not falling far behind at seven percent. Such misconceptions about infidelity have wreaked havoc on people, especially women. If they weren’t so jealous and worried that their partners weren’t cheating on them every time they came home late from the office, women could possibly rule the world. Still, even if the rest of the 88 percent who don’t cheat on their partners, I can’t help but wonder: will married people be happy with grapefruit for breakfast every single morning for the rest of their lives? What if one day you wake up and badly want an omelet? When people get married they are so bleary-eyed with unrestrained hope

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the right amount of flavor to an already delightful oral experience. When the days are beautiful it’s nice to have the option to sit outside, especially since West Village lies on a main thoroughfare and you can eat with a pleasant breeze to keep you company along with the sight of the elusive uptown trolley making its entrance every now and again. It

that they actually believe that their love will grow, that the grapefruit will change colors, maybe become sweeter or have a different, more inventive flavor. But even if you could get the amazing omelet or the most delicious grapefruit, no one is going to be perfect. In fact, oftentimes it’s the people you love that have the ability to annoy you the most. Think about the best relationship you’ve ever had, your favorite pet, your adorable little nephew. Your partner may often burn breakfast and fart with abandon, your little dog Spot has shat on the carpet more times that you can count, and little Danny had a temper tantrum in the middle of your aunt’s funeral. But you still love them anyway. But in romantic relationships is love enough? Can it really conquer all? Forgive my cynicism, but the divorce rate in the United States is still the highest in industrialized nations at 51 percent, and most couples I know are miserable. Though, I’m still convinced

wasn’t very crowded but I can see that on weekends this would be the place to be since it doesn’t close until 2am. With two flat screens always on sports you can catch your favorite game while having a drink and dinner. Now one thing that you should be aware of is they are a pet friendly establishment. This should pose as no problem for those of you willing to chow down on your burger next to a hipster pooch if you should choose to eat on the patio. I personally didn’t mind, but I realize how this could be off-putting to some so, heads up. Another thing is once again remember it’s a bar no one is coming to refill your drink. When you find yourself at beverages end,

that there is a ray of hope in all this mess, thanks to the few couples who actually are happy together. Still, there is that seven-year itch, which isn’t just a Hollywood superstition, but supported by hard science. Consider this: the average marriage in the U.S. lasts 7.2 years, the extra .2 credited to the added months in marriage counseling with couples trying to work things out. Also interesting is the fact that every cell in our body completely changes approximately every seven years, which means that we turn into completely different people. It is quite plausible then, that your brain chemistry is the one demanding you give up the grapefruit and try an omelet despite the train wreck and mayhem that will surely ensue. It would be nice if we lived in a perfect world where fantasies come true, where gorgeous, flawless fem-bots frolic on unicorns and lavish you with every sexual fantasy you could ever imagine; a world where you can cheat on your loyal grapefruit with all the hot

it’s time to get up and take “the great soda schlep” and walk across the bar to the fountain and replenish your elixir. But fear not, it is just part of the environment. Remember why you came in the first place. It was not in pursuit of the place with the best drink refillers, it was to find a great-tasting burger and VBBar can hang their hat on their ability to deliver one. So enjoy the burger and get up and get your own damn Coke.

3699 Mckinney Avenue Suite 325 Dallas, TX 75204 Phone: (214) 443-9998 www.villageburgerbar.com

omelets you want and without any regret the next day or guilt weighing on you for eternity—a free pass with nothing to lose. But life isn’t a fantasy, and cheating is gluttonous, like having two steak dinners, which might be enjoyable at the time, but will surely blast out your poor colon and tear apart your heart and those that you love. For all you 12 and seven percent of sluts out there, be careful of cheating, because if you get caught you could end up starving and alone in a cold bed, or even worse, with an irreversible STD. Gonorrhea never killed anybody but Syphilis has and I hear it’s making a comeback. I know this because a giant billboard displayed the ominous warning, just a few miles after the one advertising a 24-hour allnude strip club. Plus, reputations as a man-whore or slut get around pretty fast, and no one—not even a lumpy, over-ripe grapefruit or a hot omelet will put up with a cheating heart for long.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23

FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012

HOLLYWOODPROFILE:

WITH

REESE WITHERSPOON

By Vivian Fullerlove – vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com

By Aeryn Ripley comments@blitzweekly.com Snooki – And JWoww will have some new friends for the upcoming season of Jersey Shore, Jersey City PD. The “Orange One” and friends will be under ‘round the clock surveillance by four JCPD officers just in case the crew gets out of line and if they do they will be arrested. Immediately. M.I.A – May be out of the frying pan and straight into the fire. The infamous Super Bowl flicker could be looking at some serious legal actions due to her lewd gesture during the halftime show in full view of 111 million viewers. There were contractual “safeguards” that may cost her some serious dough. Whitney Houston – Was found dead in her hotel room bathtub on February 11 at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. The soul behind the most powerful and incredible voice in the world is survived by her daughter Bobbi Kristina Brown. The much anticipated toxicology report is expected within 4-6 weeks.

little action, a little romance, a beautiful girl and two really hot guys; This Means War has a little something for everyone! Reese Witherspoon, Chris Pine who won me over in the last Star Trek and Tom Hardy who got his break out role in the movie Warrior all star in the new McG action comedy about two best friends, FDR and Tuck (Pine and Hardy), who are also the world’s deadliest CIA operatives and inseparable partners…until they both fall for Lauren Scott, a beautiful consumer advocate magazine product evaluator, played by Reese Witherspoon. Having once helped bring down entire enemy nations, they are now using their skills and an endless array of high-tech gadgets against their greatest nemesis ever—each other! I sat with the Academy Award winning actress to talk about the film and how to choose between two wildly handsome and exciting guys, should I ever (hopefully) find myself in the situation! Tell us about your character. This movie is every girl’s fantasy to have two unbelievable sexy, hot guys interested in you, and my character Lauren starts the film and she’s kind of having a rough go of it with her ex-boyfriend. That breakup was really hard on her; so, it’s kind of this ultimate wish fulfillment that she gets to date two hot guys at once, and they’re both interested in her. It’s definitely a fantasy though. Let’s talk about the guys in this film.

MOVIEREVIEW OF THE DESCENDANTS With the Academy Awards just before us, a handful of 2011 films have risen above to stake claims on the most coveted awards of the season. One such film is The Descendants, starring George Clooney at the hand of director Alexander Payne. Payne’s previous works have garnered him many prestigious awards, including a Golden Globe Best Screenplay for 2002’s About Schmidt and an Oscar for his beloved debut, Sideways. The Descendants follows the story of Clooney as Matt King, a lawyer and father of two daughters, whose family boasts a long and proud lineage in Hawaii. When a boating accident leaves Matt’s wife in a perpetual coma, he is forced to take the reins as a rather lost – though persevering – father. Through his eldest daughter, played by scene-stealer Shailene Woodley

fast talking and quick witted so is his character. His character is always talking him and Tuck out of situations. He’s sort of the brains behind their operation; so, he’s just a perfect match for that character. It’s funny too. They are both very different people and very different characters, but it’s nice to see them have such a great friendship off and on screen.

Tom Hardy is one of your suitors. Why him? Tom Hardy plays Tuck, and he is this amazing British actor who has just exploded onto the movie scene, and everybody’s just so about Tom because he has such incredible energy, and he has a mind that goes a hundred miles and hour. He’s also just the sweetest most loving guy in real life. He was the perfect casting for Tuck because Tuck is obviously very physically strong like Tom is, but he has such a soft heart and is looking for a relationship. And Chris Pine? Chris Pine plays FDR, and he’s just fantastic for that character because he’s very composed and put together and very

(Secret Life of the American Teenager), he learns a secret about his dying wife that changes his perspective on his relationship with her and all the people in his life. Meanwhile, Matt and his large extended family must make a decision about whether or not to sell a massive plot of land that has been handed down to them over centuries. The film is a classic setup for Payne: at once awkward, disturbing, and funny. Its driving force lies, oddly, in the character of Clooney’s incapacitated wife. In no small feat, it is she who lies at the crux of the plot’s movement as, with each new development and secret revealed, new and divulging holes are prodded into each member of the living cast of characters. As a director, Payne’s portrayals of fumbling middle

I love that your good friend Chelsea Handler is in this movie with you. And she’s perfect as that goading best friend. How was it working with her? There’re very few people who are as funny as Chelsea; so, we were very lucky to get her in the film. She’s one of those women who all the girls I know who have read her books and watch her television show completely relate to her and thinks she’s so funny because she talks the way girls talk. How did this experience compare to the other movies you’ve done? This was a first for me. I’ve never made an action film. They’ve got all kinds of crazy sequences of car chases and shootouts and people jumping off of buildings. It was really fun. We had a really good time. The boys got to shoot guns and have all kinds of action and they were really good at it; so, it was great! You can go check out all the action of This Means War tonight. The film is open in theatres nationwide.

By Mateeka Lanee’ mateekalanee.wordpress.com

age men maintain realism in presentation. It is obviously a character type he specializes in, and it’s a show of Clooney’s skills as an actor that he, unmarried and childless, pulls off the job so well. With a total of 5 Oscar nominations including Best Picture, Director, and Actor in a Leading Role, a Best Picture win at the Golden Globes, and a box office gross of more than $50 million to date, plus theatre expansions in the U.S and overseas, it’s clear that the film has that magic quality of critical appeal and mass enjoyment. Official mainstream recognition for the efforts of the screenwriters, cast, and crew may not yet have been fully realized, but the voice of The Descendants has spoken, and America has heard – and even listened.

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FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23

AUTOREVIEW: 2012 MAZDA5

Photos o os Cou Courtesy: esy: David v d Goodspeed

ZOOM-ZOOM UNEXPECTED By David Goodspeed dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com ow does one go about making a minivan cool? Mazda makes it a Mazda5. While more of a “mini” minivan, the 2012 Mazda5 offers what they term “seductive smartness” design elements, unique not only for this segment but any segment close to it. The Mazda5 was developed in the middle of last decade as the automaker’s answer to dwindling minivan sales and as a replacement for its own MPV model. Dubbed a multi-activity vehicle (MAV) the Mazda5 is compromise between wagon and van and after spending a week behind the wheel of one I find it offers the perfect blend of style, utility and overall synthesis with modern day-today activities. When developing the current Mazda5, the program team set out to push the edge of the envelope a bit more incorporating hints of Mazda’s Nagare “flow” design language that is inspired by the beauty of nature. Mazda did not just re-sculpt the exterior for the 2012 model. Engi-

neers gave Mazda5 a slightly larger 2.5-liter four-cylinder MZR engine that can be mated to choice of allnew six-speed manual gearbox or five-speed automatic. The new powertrain teams up to produce 157hp at a lower rpm than the previous 2.3-liter engine produced its peak power while still maintaining 21mpg city and 28 mpg highway. The Mazda5 arrives in frontwheel drive format and has comfortable seating for six adults over three rows. The second row delivers

separate captain’s chairs for added comfort and to help eliminate any “stop touching me” arguments and for further enjoyment offer slide and tilt function. They also can be folded flat for added cargo space. The third row seats are split 50/50 and can be tipped forward individually or folded flat as well to open up maximum storage space. Mazda5 seating is arranged “theater style” allowing the row behind a bit of a lift allowing for better view-

ing. Interior styling also adopts of bit of the Nagare flair giving Mazda5 a driver-oriented design with lines flowing from the cockpit while a sporty look is maintained suggesting the vehicle is meant to be driven. Make no mistake the 2012 Mazda5 is no RX-8 and don’t sit around waiting for the automaker to deliver a MAZDASPEED version but what the MAV does offer is a vehicle capable of tackling everyday chores

in unique style with no mistaking it in the big box parking lot amidst its more traditional competition. Think of Mazda5 as a Mazda3 hatchback on a larger scale, with sliding second-row doors and with a third row of seats. Pricing starts at $19,345 for a base sport with the manual transmission while our Grand Touring edition came with a final sticker of $24,720. Mazda calls it “Zoom-Zoom Unexpected.” I call it a good choice.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND A BOY IS THE PRICE OF HIS TOYS! THIS IS SURE TO MAKE YOUR WANT LIST! GERBER STEADY MULTITOOL What if someone put drivers, a wire cutter, requisite knives, and a bottle opener on to a handy dandy mini tripod for snapping those perfect pictures on your camera or smartphone? Well, that’s exactly what Gerber did with the Steady Multitool. It will quickly make you the coolest geek in the office. All hail, king of the pocket protector!

NIKON D800 Why not put your Multitool to the test and prop the Nikon D800 on that tripod. Feel like a TMZ photog and capture images with ISO 100 to 6400 and have the ability to broadcast high quality video too. And before you pass out from an overload of awesomeness, the D800 also has a 91,000-pixel RGB light meter. Boom. You’ll have the girlies posing in no time. Price: $2999

Price: $45

By Aeryn Ripley @BlitzWeekly

8 out of 10 VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

Console: PS3, Xbox 360 Rating: T Developers: Yuke

UFC Undisputed 3 So you want to know what it’s like to beat the crap out of someone in the octagon without having to train, sweat, and most importantly without having to possibly get your face beat in – UFC Undisputed is for you. Part three of Yuke’s installment of the MMA platform is a bit different from its two predecessors. The gameplay is more forgiving to novice players, as opposed to the strict and complex controls before. Although it is a more user-friendly adaptation make no

mistake this game demands advanced thumb coordination. MMA has some of the most extreme fans on Earth and requires a game with meticulous attention to detail and Undisputed 3 delivers. From fighter introductions to cringe-worthy “headstomping” this game is rendered unbelievably well, while still leaving room for future improvements. As far as submissions go, they are almost a game within a game and will put your right thumb-stick to the test. Great rosters, fun gameplay, and more navigable controls all go into making Undisputed well…undisputed. So with all the fun of MMA without the inevitable brain trauma I would definitely recommend giving this game a spin.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23

Q Where do Q: y you look for the b blonde obituaries? A A: Under “Home Improvements”. Q Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A A: You don’t need a partner if you have a g good hand. Q Q: What do T Tupperware b buyers and w walruses have in ccommon? A A: They both like a ttight seal.

FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012

BLITZ FUNNYS

A Matter of Life or Death A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. “Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?” “Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death.” “Oh, really? How’s that?” “There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.” “I don’t see how that is a matter of life or death” said the officer. The man replied, “If I don’t get home before my wife does, I’m a dead man.”

His Phone Showed “Hang-Ups” Scott A. Tartan, 32, of Red Oak, Texas, was lucky, then unlucky, after he forgot and left his cell phone on top of a gas pump. Missing it later, he called his own number and offered the finder a $250 reward. He then gave them the password to his phone, to call later to meet, allowing the finder to find it filled with child pornography; even photos of Tartan himself, using mirrors to show fully his amount of sexual arousal.

How Many Quarters to Make $25? Fifty years ago, sex was primarily discussed with the lights off. Today, sex is as common as baseball and apple pie… used to be. A modern example occurred at Shippensburg University in central Pennsylvania, which now has a vending machine in its health center which dispenses the so called “morning after pill,” named Plan B One Step emergency contraceptive ($25), as well as condoms, decongestants and pregnancy tests.

Order: Hold the *ucking Onions What’s your favorite hamburger fast-food eatery? When Lakita Evans, 23, of Waco, Texas, opened her café, Fat Ho Burgers, neighbors complained they feared hungry patrons would pig-out on such titillating menu items as the “Sloppy Ho Basket.” (Her next door neighbor is/ was the Gospel Café and Book Shop.)

AQUARIUS A JJanuary 20 – February 18 You will be committed for own Y protection after doctors determine p that you really are coo-coo for cocoa puffs!

TTAURUS April 20 – May 20 A Now is the time to start working on N tthose long-term projects. It’s winter and you have no food, shelter or warm clothing.

LLEO JJuly 23 – August 22 TThe stars are confused when you ffail fa a to heed their warning to stop consuming Little Debbie snack cakes on the way to work.

SCORPIO S October 23 – November 21 O TThe bar whore you pick up on Friday nnight surprises you when she gives into your every primal urge as long as her boyfriend can watch.

PISCES P FFebruary 19 – March 20 Your reputation as a hunter grows Y iimmensely among your co-workers when you slay some wandering deer with your white pickup.

GEMINI G May 21 – June 21 M You will light up the room when you Y ttake your hair dryer into the bathtub.

VIRGO V August 23 – September 22 A Your girlfriend will not be amused Y when you offer her a seven course w meal by showing up with a six pack of PBR and a Papa John’s pizza.

SAGITTARIUS S November 22 – December 21 N After a long talk with your family and A much soul searching you decide to m dedicate your life to helping the filthy rich.

LLIBRA September 23 – October 22 S You will experience a profound Y awakening later this week when a a drunken Capricorn crashes a stolen rig into your house at 2:30am.

CAPRICORN C December 22 – January 19 D TThe stars have observed that you’re sstill lonely and single. They find this extremely funny. Ha! Ha! Ha!

ACROSS: 1. A young horse 5. Highly skilled 10. Tears 14. Murres 15. Embankment 16. Pearly-shelled mussel 17. Self-control 19. Goulash 20. Hair goop 21. A shoulder firearm 22. Strict 23. Chic 25. Not our 27. Consumed food 28. Inflexibly entrenched 31. Gown fabric 34. Adjust 35. Utilize 36. Dwarf buffalo 37. Dish

38. Norse god 39. Actress Lupino 40. Wash oneself 41. Extraordinary 42. Ladies’ man 44. Caviar 45. Seraglio 46. A musician who performs alone 50. Points 52. Lyric poem 54. Female pronoun 55. At the peak of 56. A type of craftsman 58. Identical 59. Small finch 60. Attraction 61. Not now 62. Construct 63. Encounter

DOWN: 1. Soft creamy candy 2. Bay window 3. Passageway 4. Varnish ingredient 5. Of mountainous areas 6. Dutch pottery city 7. Wicked 8. Pass into or through 9. T 10. Rural 11. Intermezzo 12. Jetty 13. Scattered 18. Angry 22. Dispatched 24. Big party 26. Expect and wish 28. Potato state 29. Largest continent 30. Fender blemish

31. A dog wags one 32. Annul 33. Highly offensive 34. A cockpit instrument 37. Cut back 38. Chocolate cookie 40. Taverns 41. Automaton 43. Occur 44. Rat or mouse 46. Relating to audible sound 47. Put out 48. Beach 49. Basic belief 50. Actors in a show 51. Salt Lake state 53. Minute opening 56. South southeast 57. A high alpine meadow

Solution on Page 18

ARIES A March 21 – April 19 M Shortly after your death this Saturday S tthe secrets of the afterlife will become known to you. It’s not too late to start praying to the worms.

CANCER C JJune 22 – July 22 Your lifelong dream of feeding Y hhundreds becomes reality when you offer yourself as the mystery meat at Chipotle.

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FEBRUARY 15 – 21,, 2012

THE CLOSER

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23

LAST CALL UNDERSTANDING MY HOBBY By Joe Stumpo – www.darthstumpo.com

Abita Mardi Gras Bock Brewed by: Abita Brewing Company ABV: 6.40% This brew pours a light amber head with a beige head. Head lacing doesn’t last very long. The caramel aroma is a nice accent to the malty hops permeating the senses. There’s definitely a hint of sweetness with a fairly hoppy aftertaste for a medium finish. Carbonation is fairly light. Try it with a hearty meat such as roasted or grilled pork.

hen it comes to hobbies, I consider myself a kid who has yet to grow up. I am, however finding the older I get, the less interested I am in certain hobbies. As those interests wane, I vow to no longer spend my money on trivial things I used to buy. If there is one hobby I don’t think I will lose an interest in, it’s LEGO building. I still remember the very first LEGO set I got when I was in first grade. It was set 420,

and third place. What I built then, kids are doing now as parents and fans of the original trilogy, and kids interested in the Clone Wars cartoon purchase Star Wars LEGO toys and build their own Millennium Falcon and XWing fighters. I won’t deny the product has changed since I was a kid. Today, the LEGO brand gets most of its money out of movie franchises; hence the reason you see LEGO sets of Harry Potter, Batman, Indiana Jones

Day Job (Describe your job at Idea Grove) The Idea Grove is a small agency that specializes in content marketing, public relations, SEO and web design for technology and healthcare companies. As an account executive, I work on several different client accounts, including RiseSmart, ShopSavvy and Systemware, among many others. I focus on the public relations and social media strategies for our clients, which involves writing press releases, bylined articles and blog posts, pitching the media, engaging with social media influencers and participating in team brainstorms to come up with new strategic marketing/PR campaigns for our clients.

Perdomo Lot 23 Churchill Wrapper: Nicaraguan Binder: Nicaraguan Filler: Nicaraguan Strength: Medium Bodied Back in 1992 Nick Perdomo Jr. started his company out of his garage in Miami. Today he has nine different product lines. Lot 23 was introduced in 2000. The Lot 23’s appearance is rustic with imperfections and a massive well secured band, which compliments the wrapper’s leaf. This smoke has a dry nutty flavor with light sweetness and an oily finish soflty hinting at spice. This medium bodied cigar is recommended to the cigar smoker on a budget looking for great value. French Martini Ingredients: 1 1/2 oz Vodka 1/4 oz Chambord Raspberry Liqueur 1/4 oz Fresh Pineapple Juice 1 Twist Lemon Peel Mixing Instructions: Pour each of the above into a tall bar glass. Shake with ice, pour into a cocktail or martini glass, and serve.

Name: Stephanie Fedler How You Know Her: The multi-faceted PR rep brings some major brands to your fingertips. She represents brands like Adele sings songs, yeah that good.

a police car that had only 19 pieces and came out in 1973. Perhaps the reason I remember it so well is not because it was my first LEGO set from my parents, but because it was missing a part - a white “brick 1 x 2” piece. For those who take this building hobby seriously, they demand you call the bricks by their required names. Despite my brief disappointment in missing that one piece, my brick building eventually grew as I received other LEGO sets over the years that included a fire house, a moon landing and a tow truck. Then the company, based in Billund, Denmark, came out with their space sets in the late 1970s and early 1980s. My favorite set of that era is still the Galaxy Explorer (set 497), which I wish the company would re-release. Thanks in part to the original Star Wars trilogy back then, I was building my own renditions of Tie Fighters, Snowspeeders and Imperial Walkers out of LEGOs. I even competed in a LEGO contest one year, thinking I would win. Unfortunately, what I built with less than 2,000 pieces was no match for what someone did within six hours’ time, using 20,000 bricks to build a 747 and a merrygo-round. Yes, those expert builders, who were much older than I, won first, second

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and Spider-man. This year the company will produce Lord of the Rings and sets based on Marvel Comics characters. I will not be surprised if they land the Star Trek license when the second film comes out in 2013. Thanks to the Internet, I can either download or purchase almost all the instructions for every LEGO set made since the company’s birth. I don’t need to spend $5,000 on a new unopened retired 2,882 piece of the Statue of Liberty set from amazon.com. I can download the instructions and build my own. God knows I have enough parts; seven 30-gallon storage bins of LEGOs to be exact sitting in the corner of my room, one on top of the other. OK, six. One has instruction booklets for all the Star Wars/non Star Wars LEGO sets I’ve gotten since 1999. The one thing that hasn’t changed, with the LEGO products, is the need for one’s imagination. I have plans to build something huge using all those plastic blocks one of these days. I am not telling what it is. You’ll have to wait until the year 2040 when I unveil my creation with pictures on www.brickshelf.com – if the LEGO-based Website is still around, that is.

What’s the coolest thing about public relations? It allows you to do many different things, so you’re definitely never bored. It’s a fast-paced world – one that I thrive in. You can do so many different things. To name a few, you can write, pitch, simultaneously manage multiple social media platforms, plan events and if you’re lucky, travel around the country during media tours to serve as a company spokesperson on television news programs (my personal favorite). In 2011, I served as product spokesperson for a women’s shoe line and that’s when I realized my favorite part of PR: the on-camera action. There are numerous other fun and exciting things about PR, but I think everyone would agree that securing a big media placement for a client is by far the best feeling as a public relations professional. I very recently landed my client, RiseSmart, on CNBC while pitching a Super Bowl angle that had to do with comparing the unemployment rates of the two competing cities in order to predict the winner. Coming up with interesting new angles like that is an integral part of leading media relations campaigns. That’s always my main goal – finding an interesting, new story that the media will want to cover, therefore increasing brand awareness for my clients by getting them in front of their target audiences. If girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, what are guys made of? Beer and meat and smelly feet

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 23

FEBRUARY 15 – 21, 2012

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