Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

ON DECK BIAS AND OTHER BAD IDEAS By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha ust a few weeks ago I encouraged all of you to watch and learn from the news. At the time, we were witnessing a general lapse of common sense. First, ESPN fired an employee for using a racial slur against Asians when referring to Jeremy Lin. Then Ben and Jerry’s sullied the good name of ice cream to create a Lin-inspired treat complete with fortune cookies. Thank goodness better heads prevailed when comedian Steven Colbert (of Irish decent) got his Ben and Jerry’s flavor. They probably toyed with the idea of playing with stereotypes and adding in alcohol or chunky bits of potato. And now this past week ESPN published a story on Hines Ward being cut by the Steelers with the headline “No Happy Endings.” Seriously. ESPN. Seriously. I know many are disregarding the fact that Ward is half Korean and declaring that the world is just too politically correct and soft these days. But hear me out. This is just one of many examples of ESPN’s lax editorial process. They have followed Ward’s career, know of his mixed heritage and have watched as he championed issues of social acceptance of foreigners in Korea. Many of you are probably thinking, “but preachy On Deck writer...what if they didn’t know!?” Well, it’s their job to know. Everyone realizes that mistakes will be made and toes will be stepped on, but this is becoming all too common and habitual. Wouldn’t you rather I write about the wreck filled Indy 500 or the NFL teams being investigated for putting out hits on opposing players? But it’s my job to cover the pressing issues, and folks this is it. So here are my fantastic four rules on navigating the world. Remember, this isn’t about being politically correct. It’s about being smart enough to function in society.

SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Bad Boys Bad Boys 3 CrossFit 4 Stars News 5 Rangers News 5 Mavericks News 6 Bracketology 7 Places to Exercise 9 COVER STORY DFW SUPERWOMEN 10-11 BLITZ BABE OF THE WEEK Kelsey 12 BLITZ ENTERTAINMENT Good Old War 13 Seven Things in Seven Days 13 Restaurant Review 14 Macho Cuisine 14 Hollywood Shuffle 15 Hollywood Profile 15 Movie Review 15 Auto Review 16 Gadgets 16 Joystick 16 BLITZ FUNNYS Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 THE CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 Game Changer 18 2-Minute Drill 18

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor C. Patterson Graphic Designer Damien Mayfield Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Hannah Allen, Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, David Goodspeed, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith, Jesse Whitman Contributing Photographers Keith Allison, Dharma Bell, Nicoll Earl Bustamante, Dominic Ceraldi, Ken Conley, Paul David Gibson, Steve Hall, John Hartnup, Amber Karnes, Jennifer Yin, Melody L., mightymouse88, mp3waxx, Professor Bop Contributing Writers Mika Bradford, Sonny Capps, Jason Fleck, Melissa Howard, Martin Iheke, Keysha Hogan, Angela Navin, Aeryn Ripley, Joe Stumpo, Quick Steve

1. Be Relevant In most situations it is completely unnecessary to mention a person’s race. I am not advocating ignoring or disregarding someone’s culture and background. I’m merely suggesting that you don’t need to bring it up for no reason at all. For example, don’t introduce someone as “My My black friend John.”

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

YAY, YOU’RE FAMOUS!

SO YOUR CELLMATES WILL KNOW YOUR NAME!

Dallas Polo Club

LE A R N T O P L AY P O L O For Ben & Jerry this wound up being their bitterest flavor yet.

2. Be Modern I don’t care how old you are or what homespun language your grandpap used, do not use old offensive language. If you haven’t heard it outside of a segregated golf course, keep it to yourself.

NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG

C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1

3. Be Inclusive This rule is actually a bit tricky for some. Avoid talking about “we/us” and “they/ them,” when referring to cultural groups. You will undoubtedly start making a generalization and everyone will end up giving you the side eye stare. 4. Be Cool The coolest person in your group is most likely the funniest one. And although I adore the uncensored late night shows on Comedy Central, I also know that some stuff is best left to the professionals. If there’s even a question in your mind that your joke is on the edge of controversy or bad taste...just drop the joke…and walk away slowly.

A Major Problem - Once again the media and the public were treated to the delightful antics of the Lohan clan. Michael Lohan’s ex-girlfriend Kate Major may have finally commandeered the reigns of the crazy wagon. In January Major was arrested for attacking a Latino couple, yelling racial epithets at them and calling her arresting officer a “fat f**k.” For those keeping score at home that’s three counts of battery, one resisting arrest, and one disorderly intoxication.

Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack

Lovers, if you read and liked my book, please review on Amazon. If you read and disliked my book, please don’t.

Don’t Bielieb Everything You See - Though it wasn’t illegal, Justin Bieber’s latest antics proved he has what it takes to wind up in the slammer one day. Bieber Punk’d fellow superstar Taylor Swift with one of the most awesome pranks imaginable. We’ll give you a hint and let you Google it yourself. It involves a country singer, fireworks, a yacht, and a fake wedding. File this one under priceless. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26 Photo Courtesy: David Wadsworth

THE CROSSROAD LESS TRAVELED CROSSFIT - MORE THAN A TRAINING REGIMEN By Jason Fleck – jason.fleck@mavs.uta.edu

reg Glassman started CrossFit in Santa Cruz, California back in 1995. This fitness craze has caught on pretty quickly and already has close to 4,000 gyms open worldwide. The regiment is defined as a strength and conditioning program that maximizes general physical preparedness. The workouts consist of constantly varied functional movements performed at high intensities. The goal of the training regimen is to give you the ability to perform well at any task. A unique aspect of CrossFit is that there are no set notions of rest periods, just as in life when you are constantly moving and don’t know when you will have time for your next break. The influx of people in DFW wanting to give the extreme workout a try often find their way to CrossFit White Rock located at 5815 Live Oak St. in Dallas. They offer introductory classes every Saturday at 10 A.M. for anyone that is interested in trying it out. Every person that walks into the gym is immediately greeted and welcomed with a warm reception. It’s a delightful surprise since most clubs aren’t that personable. After being welcomed the trainer gets the group together and takes them over to a marker board and teaches a short class about CrossFit, giving the definition, objectives, and even a little bit of science of about it. After that, the group is taken through a short warm-up to get the blood flowing and muscles warm. Once the warm-up is complete the trainer moves right into demonstrations of the skills that will be used in the workout. With each demonstration the trainer goes around making sure each participant is using the correct technique, once the skills

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demonstrations are complete, it is time for the workout. For the workout the fives skill just learned are performed in a giant circuit of 10 reps per skill. The trainer then gives the order in which each skill will be performed. The music is cranked up, fans turned on, and the trainers get ready to help push and motivate each participant through the giant circuit three times. Within 15 minutes every participant has finished the brutal workout, they feel a sense of accomplishment. They begin to realize exactly what CrossFit can do for them; it is just a matter of becoming a part of the CrossFit community. When asked about the one thing CrossFit offered that couldn’t be found at any ordinary fitness club, Ben Winski the owner of CrossFit White Rock summed it up perfectly saying “Community”. Crossfit is more than just a workout; it can be described as a social Photo Courtesy: Amber Karnes group that keeps each other fit. Each member competes, not only for themselves, but also for the group since you are competing to beat the other groups working out right next to you. CrossFit isn’t easy but with the support and motivation of the trainers and fellow members, the pain is forgotten and you are left only thinking about the workout. Crossfit White Rock has a wall of all its members. On that wall are pictures and names of the member as a way to remember names and as a way to see their fellow CrossFitters. If you decide to train at a CrossFit gym you will never be alone. You will be guided and/or pushed through each workout and that isn’t something you are offered at every gym. So give CrossFit a try and take the next step toward a healthy lifestyle.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

MARCH 7 – 13, 2012 Photo Courtesy: Dominic Ceraldi

UPCOMING SCHEDULE: 3/8 SHARKS 7:30 P.M. 3/10 DUCKS 7:00 P.M. 3/13 @ WILD 7:00 P.M.

UPCOMING SCHEDULE: 3/7 @ PADRES 2:05 P.M. 3/8 WHITE SOX 2:05 P.M. 3/9 DODGERS 2:05 P.M. 3/10 @ WHITE SOX 2:05 P.M. 3/11 INDIANS 3:05 P.M. 3/12 @ MARINERS 3:05 P.M. 3/13 @ INDIANS 3:05 P.M.

PUSH FOR THE PLAYOFFS

GETTING FAMILIAR

THE STARS EYE THE POSTSEASON

THE NEW FACES FOR THE TEXAS RANGERS

By Tony Barone – tbarone@blitzweekly.com

By Martin Iheke – miheke@gmail.com

he Dallas Stars continue to make be- do believe in them and this group has lievers of their fans and their bosses shown some resiliency,” Nieuwendyk said. and find themselves in a position to “There’s been a real commitment to playmake the postseason playoffs for the ing for one another and becoming a real team in the last 2-3 weeks.” first time since 2008. Two weeks ago, the Stars had most of With a recent win over the Edmonton Oil Can, the Stars pushed their points streak to us convinced Nieuwendyk should trade anyone and everyone six games (5-0-1) and because of their conimproved to 6-1-2 over sistently lethargic play. their last nine games. Then, they started playThey remain in eighth ing like they cared. Fiplace in the Western nally. Conference standings, The one game Stars are tied with seventh fans might look back seed San Jose in points at is their recent win (Sharks have played over Vancouver, the two fewer games) and Western Conference’s find themselves only best team, as the victotwo points behind the ry that propelled them Division-leading Phoeinto the playoffs. nix Coyotes. The Stars rallied The National Hockfrom a 2-0 secondey League’s trade period deficit to defeat deadline came and Vancouver, 3-2, in went, and GM Joe overtime behind goals Nieuwendyk opted to from Mike Ribeiro, Mistand pat and see if chael Ryder and Loui the Stars can make the Eriksson. playoffs. Rumors were Consider the signififlying that fan favorite cance of the comeback Steve Ott was on the victory. Vancouver had trading block, but no been 26-0-0 when team came through leading after two periwith an offer that overods this season. Since whelmed GM Joe. 2006, Vancouver is “We have a respon93-0-4 when leading sibility to put the best Photo Courtesy: Dominic Ceraldi after two periods. team on the ice right The Stars won the Vancouver game now to challenge and make the playoffs,” said Nieuwendyk, “and we didn’t want to because they followed Coach Glen Gurisk moving anything that wouldn’t help us lutzan’s request to play a simple, tactical game with energy and effort. If the Stars going into the future.” Several teams are competing for the fi- will consistently play the way Gulutzan nal two playoff spots, and the Stars know wants them to play, the wins and losses will take care of themselves. they will have to earn it. It seems the Stars have found a rhythm With 17 games remaining on their schedule the Stars have 73 points. In the at just the right time. Their confidence is past nine seasons, no team has made the buoyed by the return of forward Jamie playoffs with fewer than 91 points. The Benn. Perhaps that will be enough to justify past two seasons, it has taken 97 points. Nieuwendyk’s faith in the Stars and push Do the math. Much work remains. “I know we have a tough road ahead, them into the playoffs. but it is a message to this team that we

Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

he Texas Rangers head into the 2012 MLB season with expectations of winning their first World Series title. Anything short of that will be a disappointment. For them to accomplish their goal, they are going to have to count on two new faces. One of them is the new Japanese pitching sensation, Yu Darvish. He is a right-handed starting pitcher who is six-foot-five and weighs about 215 pounds. According to some scouts around baseball, he has electric stuff with seven different pitches. They believe he will be an instant success. That is fine and all but we have not seen him pitch in the MLB. Pitching in Japan is a lot different than pitching here so it will be interesting to see if Darvish can translate his game to the States. If he can, the Rangers should be in good shape. The other new face for the Rangers is the newly acquired righthanded closer, Joe Nathan. He comes over from the Minnesota Twins where he was a solid closer for them. According to ESPN. com, Nathan has 261 career saves with 2.87 ERA. The two risky issues about Nathan is he is 37 and trying to fully recover from the Tommy-John surgery he had which forced him to miss all of the 2010 season. One positive thing he will provide is some veteran experience in a role where he would not come apart in pressure-type situations. That was one of the reasons that hurt Neftali Feliz when he failed to get the final strike for the Rangers to win their first World Series title, last October. Speaking of Feliz, the Rangers decided to move him into the starting rotation which is one of the reasons why they brought in Joe Nathan. Another player I will keep my eyes on is first baseman, Mitch Moreland. He had

a horrible year, offensively, last season. Too many times he looked overmatched at the plate and was not able to make adjustments on the fly. This is one of the reasons why the Rangers had high interest in signing Prince Fielder. Moreland is an excellent defensive player at first base, but has to be better on offense if he wants stay in the lineup. If there is a “dark horse” player this season for the Rangers, it could be centerfielder, Leonys Martin. This kid could be very good for the Rangers because of his ability to cover ground in centerfield with his speed and getting on base. During his short stint with the club last September, I noticed these areas of his game while the Rangers were in the process of winning another division title. He is battling Julio Borbon and Craig Gentry for the position in spring training. He will probably start the season in Round Rock, but if he blows the Rangers away with his performance in spring training he could start the Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison season with the club. The Rangers look at him as the centerfielder of the future, especially if they do not resign Josh Hamilton. This will also mean the end of Julio Borbon, who the Rangers had high hopes for but turned out to be a disappointment. I believe Darvish and Nathan have to live up to what they can bring to the Rangers if they have any chance of accomplishing their goal. Obviously, they will have to stay healthy but these two will be some of the players I will be following throughout the season as well as Moreland and Martin. If Moreland improves on offense, the Rangers lineup will be even more potent. If Martin has a solid spring, expect to see him with the Rangers on opening day.

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MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26 Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

UPCOMING SCHEDULE: 3/8 @ SUNS 9:30 P.M. 3/9 @ KINGS 9:00 P.M. 3/10 @ WARRIORS 9:30 P.M. 3/13 WIZARDS 7:30 P.M.

DIG DEEP DIRK MAVS NEED TO WEATHER THE STORM By Geoff Case – @geoffcase first time after missing four games because Mavs trying to get back on track The Mavs snapped a season-long four-game of a family matter and personal reasons. In losing streak Saturday. They had lost five of fact, the Mavs were even considering sendtheir last six, which was the worst stretch of ing him down to the NBA Development the season. Offense had been a major issue League because of his erratic play and as a over the last two weeks but the Mavs scored way for him to gain some stamina after not 100 points for the first time in their last eight playing since February 20. He was pegged games. It took Dirk Nowitzki scoring a sea- to play Saturday night in the NBA Developson-high 40 points in just 29 minutes Satur- ment League but the slew of injuries changed day night against the Jazz to end the drought. the Mavs plans. Instead, he was recalled to play against the Jazz and It was his first 40-point scored nine points in 18 game of the season and minutes. He also had five his first 40-point game rebounds and blocked a since 2010. The Mavs season-high three shots. had the game locked up While it was no doubt with a massive lead but one of Odom’s better started falling apart in the games this season he’s fourth quarter and nearly been unreliable all sealet the Jazz make a comeson long. back. This is by far the “It was really personal, Mavs’ most brutal stretch something I had to tend of the season and if they to,” Odom said. “Mark can just weather the storm Cuban is a great owner over the next few games for understanding and it will go a long way into knowing that sometimes helping their chances this we have to fix what’s gopostseason. The biggest ing on off the court in orproblem for the team der for us to fix what’s on in this stretch has been the court.” their struggles offensively Carlisle said that specifically on the road. Odom joined the team This can clearly be traced Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs earlier than expected back to Jason Terry’s inability to hit shots in opposing arenas this because the team needed another healthy season. Another reason the losing streak was player during a rugged stretch where it plays snapped was that Jason Terry broke out of a nine games in 12 days. Carlisle was happy shooting slump that kept him on the bench with what he saw Saturday from Odom, who for the final 10 minutes of the fourth quarter came into the game averaging 7.7 points of Friday’s loss at New Orleans. Terry was and 4.5 rebounds per game. “This is by far the most energy he’s played 1-of-9 and rebounded to score 22 points on 8-of-15 shooting. This has been the case all with the entire year and I don’t think it’s season long. The Mavs are going to need a close,” Mavs coach Rick Carlisle said. “And I more consistent scoring on the road but with would defy anybody to go against that statea cast of streak shooters it’s tough when no ment. It’s just clear we need this from him one is hitting those shots. I have to urge Mavs every night. If he can bring this, if he can fans to not get too frustrated with the team bring that kind of energy and engagement, during part of the season. The lethargic play it’s going to lift our team to a different level.” and numerous air balls are occurring league Odom apologized to his teammates and said wide due to the condensed lock-out schedule he is committed to playing for the Mavs. He and the defending champs are no exception. didn’t divulge what the personal issue was that took him from the team, but he said he found resolution. Odom returns to the line-up Dallas forward Lamar Odom played for the VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

Photo Courtesy: mightymouse88

BURST YOUR BUBBLE GET READY FOR A HARD LESSON IN BRACKETOLOGY By Sonny Capps – hhhup88@gmail.com

s the college basketball regular season comes to a close, we see the leaders push forward, the chumps fall to the wayside and the bubble boys fight for their lives. This time next week we’ll be off and running in the middle of March Madness. As you read this, conference tourneys are in full force; some teams will advance, some will be done, and some will head to the NIT. Make no mistake, this is high-pressure for some of the squads and don’t forget a desperate team is a dangerous team. If they picked the top seed of the Final Four tourney right now, your number one seeds would most likely be Syracuse, from the Big East at 29-1 ranked 2nd in the country, Kentucky 28-1 from the SEC ranked #1, Kansas 24-5 ranked #3 and in my opinion after the beat down of Duke Saturday, North Carolina 25-4, currently ranked #6, but will most likely move up by the time you read this, would be another #1 seed. Just a point on that game, North Carolina has shown not once but twice they can out play the Dukies, that in itself is an accomplishment for anyone. As the conference tourneys, there will be

a surprise or two, but this is what makes the field of 68 so good – no one is actually in yet. Granted there are a few givens just due to record, strength and who they are, but seeding and bracket placement is a huge issue to everyone. You still need to perform in your conference tournament to assure a top placement in the Big Dance. Syracuse may have the easiest shot at walking through their conference tourney, the SEC and Big 12 is always a mess, and the ACC may be lopsided with a slip or two, and there’s no assurance North Carolina comes out on top. This should be one of the tightest and most competitive Final Four tournaments of recent years, but it’s all due to solid teams spread in various conferences. The conference tourneys will really be a good watch this year, if for no other reason just because of the middle of the road teams trying to make the dance. This is just like high school for some of them. Just because you’re going to the dance with a pretty girl doesn’t mean you’re the prom king! Having a #1 seed is a huge advantage and will be sought by the top ranked teams from every conference. Until next week…hoop it up!

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

By Melissa Howard @Melissa_Promos

Spring is here and that means time is running out for you to get that perfect summer body. But luckily for you I have done the legwork and found some of the coolest places to get your butt in gear. So swim, climb, dance, run and sweat your way from sofa spud to super stud. Check out the list:

Exposure Rock Climbing

Dallas Bikram Yoga

Dallas Aquatic Masters

Greater Dallas Bicyclists

Power House of Dance

“Pull harder. Reach further. Hold longer.” That alone should get you motivated enough to move. Exposure has fundamentals clinics, student discounts, and nationally certified route setters.

The first and largest Bikram yoga studio in Dallas will optimize your focus and flexibility in 26 hatha yoga positions. You will exercise your body and spirit with their certified instructors. Prepare yourself for the original “hot yoga.”

Improve your physical and mental well being the way Michael Phelps does! This swim club offers over 50-coached swim practices per week whether it’s morning, noon or night. Whether you are just getting your feet wet or swimming at a high level this is a great place to workout.

Why not exercise and see the city at the same time? With the GDB you get to exercise and build some pretty good friendships while doing it. They have been encouraging bicycling enthusiast since 1973 and promoting the sport well with over 400 members.

One of the most creativity nurturing ways to stay in shape is dance and Power House is awesome. From ballroom to Zumba and every stop in between they have you covered. It’s all the benefit of a traditional workout, but way more fun.

2389 Midway Road. Carrollton (972) 732-0307 exposurerockclimbing.com

6333 E Mockingbird Lane Ste 233 Dallas (214) 824-9642 yogadallas.com

greaterdallasbicyclists.com 4901 Cole Avenue. Dallas (214) 219-2300 damswim.com

12300 Inwood Road Ste 124 Dallas (972) 960-2484 dallaspowerhouse.com

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

Get Fit Now!

Gina Cortese Shipley, M.S.

ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR, EDUCATION DEPARTMENT, PROGRAM MANAGER, ADULT FITNESS OF THE COOPER INSTITUTE What motto or saying best describes you and your philosophy of health and fitness? Wellness is a journey, not a destination and it is much easier to maintain your health than to get it back once it is lost. Small changes can lead to big results and consistency is the key no matter how big or small the change is you want to make. You only get one body to take you through life; treat it well. And probably my favorite: There is always something or someone who needs your attention, so stop and take time to take care of yourself-make yourself and your health and wellbeing a priority. You never know who you will impact in the process. What time of day do you prefer to work out? I like to work out first thing in the morning. It really energizes me and gets my day going. I feel like I can face anything the world wants to throw at me and it sets my day up for success, putting me in a great mood.

What do you do at the Cooper Institute? At The Cooper Institute, I create innovative ways to deliver education on health and wellness to both professionals in the field and the public. This includes providing instruction in a wide variety of health and wellness areas and developing curriculum for our workshops, designing and leading online learning, and creating behavioral based educational materials and products. Where she can be found The Cooper Institute 12330 Preston Road Dallas, Texas 75230 (800) 635-7050 www.cooperinst.org gcortese@cooperinst.org

Marquette Falbo

CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAINER AND A CYCLE AND YOGA INSTRUCTOR. HEALTH AND FITNESS WRITER How many days a week do you work out and for how long? I follow the “most days of the week” recommendations by the American Heart Association. I love to do something active every day, even if it’s just a walk outside. I try to lift weights 2-3 times a week. Sometimes, this is just a light workout in my apartment with five lb. dumbbells and really loud music! Otherwise I go through a full workout with weights similar to something I would take a client through. I do cardio most days of the week which include walking, stair climber, and my cycle classes, of course! Is there a specific customer or client population that you specialize in working with? I especially love working with BRIDES TO BE!!!! I don’t know anyone more enthusiastic, joyful and dedicated to a goal than girls that are shredding for the wedding! Love this group. I also love working with pre and postnatal women. It is such a fun time of life for them and they inspire me

by exercising when it’s so easy to put fitness last but it is so crucial to put fitness first. Many women neglect their commitment to exercise during this season of life and I am honored to be a part of any woman’s pregnancy life. On top of that, it’s really interesting to me so I have studied and attended much training to increase my awareness of pre and postnatal fitness. What motto or saying best describes you and your philosophy of health and fitness? “Moderation in everything!” Where she can be found Larry North Fitness Preston Hollow Location 6025 Royal Lane, Suite 120 Dallas, TX 75230 (214) 265-1331 www.larrynorth.com marquette.falbo@gmail.com

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By Mika Brad www.rattleand

You Can Do It, Keep Moving!

Super strength, dete and the ability to mo naturally for our four who are breaking redefining women’s and fitness industry For years pumping and strength traini be the activity of ch bound men who a professionally or im for the pure purpose prowess. This gro women is taking the and fitness out int schools and local g inspiring their client quality of life thro exercise programs a that will last a lifetim You may not leaping tall building however you will fin enthusiasm is able to and surpass a spee juggling careers, clie

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

Let’s Dance Off Those Extra Pounds!

Diana Guererro

CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAINER, ZUMBA FITNESS - OFFICIAL LEVEL II INSTRUCTOR, VITALITY COACH AND GROUP X INSTRUCTOR What was the catalyst that moved you to pursue this line of work? As a teenager I was involved in a great variety of sports including tennis, basketball, volleyball, swimming and softball. I moved to Texas from Colombia (South America) when I was 21 and joined a health club (Cosmopolitan Lady) in Carrollton where I worked out before going to work at 5:30am Monday thru Friday. I self-taught strength training with machines (that’s all they had) and participated in aerobic classes and have never stopped. What healthy condiments or spices are a must have in your kitchen? Sea Salt, cinnamon, turmeric and coconut oil.

How many days a week do you work out and for how long? Strength Training - Three days a week for 30-45min... and zumba (cardio/light strength) two times a week. Diana is known for her passion, leading what is known for being the most authentic Latin Colombian Zumba class in DFW. Why would you suggest a person try Zumba classes? Dancing is medicine for your body & soul. Dancing helps you use the power of music to release stress, energize your body and have fun! It’s a total body experience. Where she can be found Clairevista Vitality Club 2001 Sylvan Ave Dallas, TX 75208 (214) 744-5400 info@clairevista.com dianag@clairevista.com

SHERRY C. SIMMONS

LADY TRAINERS TO GO - HEALTH AND FITNESS CONCIERGE

dford CN, CPhT dhumsports.com

ermination, intellect, otivate people comes r DFW Super Women down barriers and roles in the health y throughout Dallas. g iron in the gym ng was thought to hoice for the muscle aspired to compete prove their physique e of increasing their oup of exceptional eir passion for health o our communities, yms where they are ts to attain a higher ough fun engaging and lifestyle changes me. find these ladies gs in a single bound, nd their energy and o power a locomotive eding bullet all while ents and families.

Just One More !@#%

YOU Can Do It!

What do you consider your greatest accomplishment in creating change within your own life? Deciding to become a personal trainer at age 51 and taking that first step into a whole new career! It keeps me very active and energetic. Plus, I’ve met the most amazing women and made wonderful, lifelong friendships. My ladies truly motivate me as much if not more than I motivate them! Do you have a before and after situation regarding your health, weight or blood work that significantly changed and if so what do you attribute that to? Heart disease and high cholesterol run in my family. My dad and my brother, who was only 57 years old, both died from heart attacks (and neither was overweight!). All my blood work numbers are great and I know it’s due to my healthy and active lifestyle. Plus I feel so much better when I

keep moving and I really love being strong and fit. What services does a health and fitness concierge provide? The trainer comes to you in the comfort of your own home where you are able to exercise in a relaxed and comfortable environment that is convenient for you. How long has Lady Tainers To Go provided concierge services? For over nine years we have been the one and only premier provider of in home female personal trainers in the Metroplex exclusively for women. Where she can be found Lady Trainers to Go / Fitness Trainers to Go (817) 253-7458 www.ladytrainerstogo.com sherry@fitnesstrainerstogo.com

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

JUST GOOD OLD MUSIC TIM ARNOLD TALKS MUSIC, THE NEW ALBUM, AND CROSS-COUNTRY SURVIVAL By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

it. A lot of bluegrass stuff like how Stanley Brothers build harmonies. You know and just the oldies. We like vocal groups and doo-wop groups. We try to keep them in the back of our minds, while we make our own sound that feels modern.

hat started as a few late night demos and a stint at SXSW has turned into a three-piece band with a faithful indie following. Philadelphia’s own Good Old War has been on the road, producing and writing harmony laden and story driven songs that will capture your heart. Their third album, the curiously named Come Back As Rain, drops next week. We caught up with the band’s drummer Tim Arnold during a rehearsal to find out about life on the road and the new album.

BW: THE COLLABORATION BETWEEN YOU THREE REALLY SEEMS TO BE WORKING. IF YOU GUYS COULD PICK ANY DREAM ARTIST TO WORK WITH, WHO WOULD IT BE? TIM: I think someone like Paul Simon would be fun to work with. Who else? I think there are a lot of dead people I’d like to work with. I don’t know, it’d be cool to jam with anybody. It’d be cool to work a producer who mostly does hip-hop tracks. Just put ourselves out there.

BLITZ WEEKLY: WE SAW THAT YOUR TOUR SCHEDULE IS PRETTY PACKED. HOW ARE YOU GUYS HOLDING UP? TIM: We’re doing alright. We’re actually rehearsing right now. It’s good. We like to stay busy, and work is good. BW: YOUR NEW SINGLE “CAN’T GO HOME” HAS A SENSE OF ISOLATION IN THE LYRICS. WAS THAT BORN OUT OF TIME SPENT ON THE ROAD? TIM: Yeah I think a lot of it was. You know, this record is about being gone and how it affects your life back home. We’re actually gone most of the year, and we try to write about what we know. BW: AND WHAT DO YOU GUYS KEEP IN YOUR SURVIVAL KIT WHILE TRAVELLING AROUND THE COUNTRY? TIM: Cell phones are crucial. IPods. Uhm...I like drinking beer. [laughter] But not too much beer. You know we try to make sure we eat alright. We like to go Whole Foods and get good food instead of fast food all the time. We try to stay healthy on the road. Healthy and Happy! BW: SOUNDS GOOD. WE WANTED TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW AL-

BUM RELEASE. TELL US ABOUT THE TITLE COME BACK AS RAIN. TIM: Yeah, that’s actually a line from a song that we were writing. It didn’t actually make it to the record, we figured we’d use it. It’s about a new thing, and I think this record is a new approach that’s not really too different, but it’s fresh. More fresh than our last album definitely. We were trying a different style and tried to see what happened. BW: WELL ON YOUR LAST FEW ALBUMS WE REALLY ENJOYED SONGS LIKE “TELL ME,” “MY OWN SINKING SHIP” AND “I SHOULD GO.” HOW HAVE YOU GUYS EVOLVED AS ARTISTS AND PUSHED YOUR WORK FORWARD WITH THIS NEW ALBUM? TIM: Thank you, well we actually wrote together a lot on this record. It was really a collaborative thing

writing wise. You know, two people can come in with an idea and instead of telling you, “Okay, let’s write a song, let’s lay it down,” we kinda took the songs and everyone had their way with them. We worked structure, chord changes and everything. So with each person it becomes a collaborative Good Old War song to them rather than belonging to the original writer. I think that pushes it along a lot because there’s just more brains and ideas on each song. BW: THAT’S COOL, BECAUSE WE’VE NOTICED HOW YOU’VE MANAGED THE CONCEPT OF A 60’S TYPE FOLK HARMONY TO A VERY MODERN PLACE. BUT WHO WERE THE BAND’S INITIAL INFLUENCES? TIM: There’s a ton of influences. They’re mainly vocal influences, like the Beatles had a lot to do with

BW: WE’LL BE WAITING FOR THE GOOD OLD WAR HIP-HOP ALBUM! ALSO, I HAVE TO MENTION YOUR MERCH. YOU GUYS HAVE SOME OF THE COOLEST AND STYLISH MERCHANDISE I’VE SEEN FROM A BAND IN A WHILE. WHO DESIGNS FOR YOU? TIM: We use a bunch of people, but the main guy is Sam Means from Hello Merch, and you’re right he is really awesome. I love his work so we stick with him. BW: WELL EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT. WE’LL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO SEE YOU ALL AND THE COOL MERCH TABLE AT THE HOUSE OF BLUES IN DALLAS ON MARCH 13TH. THANKS FOR SPENDING TIME WITH US. TIM: My pleasure and we’ll see you there! Catch Tim and the other members of Good Old War at the Dallas House of Blues or earlier that night at 6 p.m. for a free in store performance at Good Records.

Photo Courtesies: Professor Bop, Steve Hall, Paul David Gibson, Dominic Ceraldi, mp3waxx, Ken Conley, John Hartnup

WED. 3/7

JAZZ AT THE GIN MILL The Gin Mill – Dallas Sit back, relax, sip your favorite adult beverage and enjoy jazz at one of the coolest places in town. The “speakeasy” is like a time machine back to a time when jazz was king. 9pm.

THURS. 3/8

GLITTER AND GLAM HOSTED BY KHLOE KARDASHIAN House of Blues – Dallas The reality TV princess herself will host an event worthy of carrying her name. The G&G party will be full of music, fun, and most assuredly glitter. Dress nice because the cameras will be present. 7:30pm.

FRI. 3/9

35 DENTON Courthouse Square – Denton The four-day music fest displays some of the best homegrown talent in the state. Be there as downtown Denton is turned into a music lovers paradise. Check out 35denton.com for the full schedule. 5pm.

SAT. 3/10

DUCKS VS. STARS American Airlines Center – Dallas This is sure to be a good hockey game, but after our last issue we recommend going to check out the Ice Girls – those ladies are the hottest things on ice since… well, fire. 7pm.

SUN. 3/11

T.I. AT ZOUK Zouk – Dallas We’re not talking about Texas Instruments but we are talking about the hip-hop legend T.I. and he’s taking over club Zouk. This place will be packed. Expect the “King of the South” to take the stage at 10pm.

MON. 3/12

MYTHBUSTERS: BEHIND THE MYTHS TOUR Verizon Theatre – Grand Prairie The myth debunkers extraordinaires take their popular TV show on the road. Fans will join Jamie and Adam for one of the craziest nights ever. Lets hope there are no cannon balls. 8pm.

TUES. 3/13

JAY AND SILENT BOB GET OLD House of Blues – Dallas The cult classic legends are bringing their sold out and nearly over-the-hill tour to Dallas. The stoner icons have finally settled into adulthood – this should be good. 9pm.

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MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

COSMIC CAFÉ OUT OF THIS WORLD By Angela Navin – @BlitzWeekly

osmic Café is arguably one of the most original places in the Metroplex. Focusing solely on what matters to them and that is more than admirable in this day in age. More than just a “hippie haven,” Cosmic Café can’t be so easily pigeonholed into such a shallow category. Quite honestly the food is great, the atmosphere will have you feeling as though you have wandered into our more liberal sister city Austin, and the overall experience is one of a warm and friendly place. I smile just thinking about it. Now to the nitty gritty:

MUST HAVES:

The Samosas, Buddha’s delight, a table on the patio, and an open mind.

WHO’S THERE:

Hipsters, musicians, artists, and liberal vegans

ADDRESS:

2912 Oak Lawn Avenue www.cosmiccafedallas.com (214) 521-6157

HOURS:

Mon-Thu 11am-10:30pm Fri-Sat 11am-11pm Sun 12pm-10pm

AMBIANCE

Think Bohemian renaissance meets Happyville. Seriously, everyone here seems to be genuinely happy to be eating or working here. It took a second to get adjusted to the influx of so much positive energy for a change, but it made for an incredibly pleasant dining experience. You will be surprised how much better your food tastes while you are

MACHO CUISINE By Jesse Whitman - jwhitman00@gmail.com

Photo Courtesy: Jennifer Yin

VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

smiling and laughing and enjoying the atmosphere. Don’t let the extreme exterior scare you off if you’re a more conservative soul. After the initial culture shock you will regain consciousness in a place that is as warm and inviting as your neighborhood pizzeria.

SERVICE

The wait can be long (just jump into one of the patio meditation classes while you wait) just be patient and think “while hungry, why not meditate a little? There

great deal has been written on the world of cuisine, and there is a mountain of recent media devoted to the subject. However, I feel there is one glaring omission with respect to culinary origins. Perhaps because it is so patently obvious we have entirely missed this aspect of cuisine. I am referring to the macho dare. Throughout my life I have at moments here and there found myself at the table of the macho culinary dare. At its heart is the notion that by eating the most foul flavors, the most repugnant repast that you are more of a gastronomic bad ass than the p*ssy who is “chickening” out by not stuffing down their gullet some poached pork penis stuffed in an exotic buffalo bladder. There is a whole show devoted to this which would be more aptly titled “I can’t believe he just ate that sh!t” TV. And no I am not talking about Fear Factor. I am referring to Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman, the corpulent and unfortunately pated personality who,

Photo Courtesies: Dharma Bell & Melody L.

is no hurry...” When you do get a table the service is good and knowledgeable – and trust me those are two things you want when ordering from a menu that you are unfamiliar with. They were able to navigate me through the menu to dishes that would best suit my taste, as I am not vegan. I was impressed by how friendly they remained despite my onslaught of menu questions.

BLITZ-WORTHY

Cosmic Café is the undisputed

and I am sorry, looks like he’s been shoving anything that won’t fight back down his throat since his mother probably tore him away from her (I imagine) devastated breasts. The Wikipedia entry for this show describes it as focusing “on regional cuisine from around the world which is typically perceived by Americans as being gross, unique, or, of course, bizarre.” Well, I have traveled a bit and have a lot of friends from overseas and I can say that the victuals he is touting are pretty much reviled everywhere. It really only seems that they are enjoyed by moderately intoxicated men who are like, “Oh yeah, this is delicious! I love it…it’s got such a complex palate, and succulent undernotes.” In reality they are thinking to themselves, “I can’t believe this jackass is going to drink coffee that’s been sh!t out of a jungle cat. If I wasn’t so drunk I would think someone was making this up!” And this attitude invariably pervades in the most male-centric of cul-

champion of Chai tea in DFW that gives you the calmness of Buddha himself after every sip and any who would oppose this decision are obliviously on the cusp of senility. They also reign supreme in the areas of hummus (worth the wait in and of itself), vegan cakes, and making you think of meals without meat. So, when it comes down to where’s the beef? The answer is inexplicably, not here. But that’s ok because they make it ok. They make you forget all about the beef…at least for a moment.

tures. In Japan it seems they can’t help but stuff themselves with the most revolting of food stuff they can sieve from the ocean. Everyone is familiar with the ubiquitous cuts of raw fish. Its interesting that among the rednecks I grew up with, they jokingly referred to it as bait, but I have also seen them dare each other to eat that same bait. In fact, in Norwegian culture they think it’s lucky to eat your own bait before embarking on a fishing trip. A colleague of mine has worked on Japanese fishing boats where they subsist on not much more than soju (Korean rubbing alcohol) and fried fish sperm. I guess they have to sell the rest of the more marketable parts of the fish, but it still proves my point. A bunch of drunk men sitting around eating the parts no one with money wants to buy and telling each other how good this fried fish jizz tastes. Hell, I’d have to be drunk too, or at least have the taste buds of a scavenging rat.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

HOLLYWOODPROFILE

WITH

TAYLOR KITSCH

By Vivian Fullerlove – vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com

I By Aeryn Ripley comments@blitzweekly.com Britney Spears – Will be a whole lot more careful of whom she hires after settling a lawsuit filed by former bodyguard Fernando Flores. Flores claimed Spears was a “sex-crazed maniac” who flashed him. The settlement terms are confidential but one has to assume that a guy who gets flashed by Britney Spears and gets paid for it is pretty lucky.

Justin Bieber – Just gave everyone one more (scratch that) make that two more reasons to hate the Biebs. The teenybopper celebrated his 18th birthday by buying two multi-million dollar mansions. His short list includes one valued at eight million, one at six, and one at a cool 10 million smackers. Yep we hate him too. Ronda Rousey – Is officially a couple minutes away from becoming the female Jean-Claude Van Damme – not a washed up Belgian movie star but an international superstar. Rousey isn’t just gorgeous but she can completely kick the sh!t out of you. The 2008 bronze medal Olympian in judo is also an MMA femme fatale. Did I mention no fighter has lasted longer than 57 seconds against her.

f you don’t know Taylor Kitsch from his role as the brooding high school football fullback on the hit television series Friday Night Lights, you will after his breakout role in the big-budget, big action sci-fi film John Carter. Kitsch plays the title character in the much hyped, much anticipated film from the master of animation movie writing and directing Andrew Stanton. John Carter is the story of a Civil War vet who is transplanted to Mars where he discovers a lush planet inhabited by 12-foot-tall barbarians. Finding himself a prisoner of these creatures, he escapes, only to find a princess who is in desperate need of a savior. I sat down with Kitsch to talk about the film and taking on the iconic character created by Edgar Rice Burroughs over a century ago. What is it like to portray a time-honored character that has existed for 100 years? No pressure...none whatsoever. I don’t know, I think it’s amazing that Edgar Rice Burroughs was so far ahead of his time, and that so much of his writing is still applicable today. No one put more pressure on me than myself to do it justice. Secondly just to breathe life into (director) Andy Stanton’s childhood dream, and that’s a big one for me. That’s an honor. What is the thing you loved most about the story? Just to have the level and the depth of John Carter, the whole spectrum I was able to play J in bringing life into him that was one of the biggest motivating factors for me in taking the role.

How challenging was that? Honestly, no job will ever be as technical, as physical or exhausting, yet rewarding as this one and I can say that as truthfully as I possibly can. I’ve been tested in every level and then some from why I do this, to the physicality of it, to the arc of the character and emotional spectrum he has to keeping the endurance the whole time, but again it’s what you put in is hopefully what you get out. I feel it’s such a high-energy film you’re truly going to feel that on screen. There’s obviously a lot of CG animation in the movie. How difficult is it to act against CG characters? It’s difficult in a sense that there are takes where I’m acting to nothing, but before we do those takes, I get to work with a Willem DeFoe portraying Tars Tarkas or Samantha Morton or Thomas Hayden Church; so, I had

the pleasure of working with those guys when they were bringing their characters to life; so, it’s a lot of fun to act off those guys. How do you keep the performance so natural when the actors are gone from the scene? Muscle memory, and I have to buy into it 180 percent in order to keep you in that journey with me; so, if I have self doubt, that’s not a good thing. So, it’s a matter of buying into it as much as you possibly can. Andrew Stanton is such an accomplished director, what was it like working with him in his first live action film? I loved it. Its very infectious, his vision and just his tenaciousness with getting it right and doing it, and he’s just brilliant. I hadn’t met, and I haven’t met anyone who prepped as much as he did, and I think it really is a testament to him as a person and how much he cares about this film, and I’d love to do it all over again.

You can get lost in space with John Carter when it opens in theatres nationwide this week. The film is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action.

MOVIEREVIEW OF UNDEFEATED In a poor predominantly black neighborhood in Memphis, Tennessee sit’s Manassas High School. The storied Tiger football team is famous for all the wrong reasons. Since the school opened in 1899, they have yet to win a single playoff game. The underprivileged area seemed to be turning things around having built a shiny new school building, however in the current economic environment many school districts are forced to make drastic cuts in education. Naturally one of

What did you have to do physically to prepare for the role? Insane amount of sword work along with wirework, and then just a crazy diet regimen and training for about 11 months.

the first items on the chopping block is usually the athletic program. The Tigers future appeared in doubt, when in the grand tradition of the “Volunteer State,” along came Bill Courtney. A successful white businessman with a football background, the school decided to make him their new head football coach. In one scene, Montrail “Money” Brown is shown brushing his teeth in a dilapidated bathroom where part of the roof has already caved in. The absence of both of his bio-

By Fil Chapa chapa71@yahoo.com

logical parents and crushing poverty failed to diminish his outstanding grade point average and his “uncommon” work ethic both on and off the field. Directors Daniel Lindsay and T.J. Martin also tackle the touchy subject of asking when enough is enough. After one of the teams most naturally gifted players returns from a stint in the juvenile justice system, stemming from anger issues, he threatens to become a so-called cancer in the locker-room too often seen at both the collegiate

and as well as the professional level. Chavis Daniels continued to shun any and all help regarding his personal demons. Ultimately, Coach Courtney had to make the inevitable decision to say, “that’s that,” and instructs his players to do the same. The Undefeated also showed how strong faith was to the Manassas football family. It revealed how the message of putting aside differences as well as excuses for something greater than self can have “uncommon” long-lasting effects.

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MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

AUTOREVIEW: 2012 FISKER KARMA MY SPORTS CAR HAS FOUR DOORS By Quick Steve – @BLITZWeekly If Christina Hendricks from Mad Men were an automobile, she would be the Fisker Karma. The curvaceous and buxom Karma is described as “sustainable design without compromise” due to its ability to allow you to plug it in or fill it up (You know it’s green because Leonardo DiCaprio bought one). This car’s sexiness would gain the attention of Hugh Hefner to do a cover shot. But the Karma isn’t just for looks. Four hundred and three finely tuned thoroughbreds are tucked neatly under the bonnet all while delivering 300-mile extended range with their EVer™ system. The Karma doesn’t just stop “on a dime” it stops before the dime with Brembo Monobloc calipers and precision tested, directionally ventilated rotors. The smoothness of the ride is assisted by the 22” Goodyear F1 Supercar tires that hug every avenue and boulevard that you wish to venture. Fisker built a quite frankly surprisingly agile car with the responsiveness of a cheetah that has been binge drinking red bull despite having two extra doors. And they achieved it by innovative engineering, utilizing lightweight energy efficient materials and keeping the cars center of gravity low. Unfortunately for us this kept the retail price high at about $102,000 (USD). But it would be one nice ride to drive into poverty with.

The USB Fridge Be the “coolest” geek around (at least temperature wise) with the new Double Can USB Fridge. Chill a couple of 12oz. cans or a single bottle of your favorite beverage with this USB-powered fridge. You are sure to become the envy of all your coworkers and have your boss gawking at your cubicle. Oh yeah, and you can keep stuff warm too. What will they think of next? Price: $37

Safe Kitchen Timer Fool would-be “leftovers” thieves with this kitchen timer that looks exactly like a safe knob. It’s a pretty cool way not to burn the quiche. Kikkerland Design managed to turn something as simple as a timer into a conversation piece and turn your fridge into a massive combination safe. The burglars will be pissed when they finally crack this one. Price: $12

GAMEREVIEW OF ASURA’S WRATH By Aeryn Ripley – @Blitzweekly

7 out of 10 VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

Console: PS3, 360 Rating: M Developers: CyberConnect2

If you get that warm fuzzy feeling when you think of seeking and attaining revenge, then Asura’s Wrath is for you. Hell hath no fury like a demi-god scorned. An intensely fun game and almost therapeutic on days when you just want to beat the hell of things, Asura inflicts his wrath on all things that even appear to be standing in his way. This game instantly gives your endorphins an adrenaline shot to the test Pulp Fiction-style with insanely cool graphics from the moment the game starts. Brutally cool gives way to near thumb atrophy since a lion’s share of the game you spend watching instead of playing. The animation is freakishly breathtaking and hi-res, but ultimately we want to actually play the game and unfortunately for us the developers pretty much forgot about that part. When you do get a chance to play and

not watch a cut scene you won’t be disappointed (especially on the level where you have to pretend not to look at boobs…seriously). Asura as you can imagine kicks plenty of butt throughout the game hence the name Wrath. But just when you start to really get into being the vengeful striking hammer of a god – bam – you’re right back to cut scenes. At least they are fun to watch. This isn’t your typical action game experience due to the fact that it is more like a movie that you have some say in the ending rather than a video game. It’s worth the purchase for the visuals alone. It’s also better to channel your anger through Asura then go postal on your job at Smoothie King. On the coolness meter Asura’s Wrath registers off the circuit board. Give it a try and tweet us your thoughts.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

Q What did the Q: b blonde’s left knee say tto her right knee? A A: I haven’t seen you since prom night! Q Q: What’s the worst tthing about the rising u unemployment rate? A A: It’s harder to screw yyour girlfriend when her husband’s always home. Q Q: Why didn’t John D Denver take a shower b before flying? A A: He figured he could just w wash up onshore.

MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

We Have A Winner! A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They hit if off and end up leaving together. They get back to her place and she shows him around her apartment. While there he notices that her bedroom is littered with Teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears sit on a shelf near the floor, medium-sized bears are on the next shelf up, and huge bears line the top shelf. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have such prolific a collection of Teddy bears, but he opts not to make mention of it. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

BLITZ FUNNYS

Pain Pill Proliferation The Orlando Sentinel, February 26, 2011, tells of Lewis Shapiro, 65, founder of Pain Relief Center of Orlando, and his son, Darin, 38, founder of Pain Relief Orlando. Accepting only cash, in a 3-month period these two small facilities distributed more of the dangerous drug oxycodone than all doctors in the state of California ...combined. (A former employee told police a shipment of 3,200 oxycodone pills simply disappeared one day.)

They Must’ve Chickened-Out? A correction in The Dallas Morning News, February 25, 2012: “There will be no Backyard Chickens 101 class at North Haven Gardens on Saturday, as listed in Thursday’s Garden Calendar. Only the monthly chicken sales will be held.” (Look out, Foghorn Leghorn!) A Different “Higher Education” Many parents seek the very highest education possible for their children. An Ohio mother, Shantel Parker, 35, must have confused definitions for the words “highest” and “education”? According to The Associated Press, before Parker would allowed her 14-year-old and 15-year-old teenagers to leave for school each morning, she would use a hypodermic needle to inject them both with heroin. (When caught, she was arrested and, for starters, her children placed with protective services.)

PISCES P FFebruary 19 – March 20 Your birthday this week will be one Y ffor the ages – ages six to 12 that is at Chuck E. Cheese! Try not to show up drunk for this momentous event.

GEMINI G May 21 – June 21 M You’ll finally receive the recognition in Y tthe office you desire when you arrive to work in nothing more than your birthday suit on Monday.

VIRGO V August 23 – September 22 A TThe doctors will tell you that you’re only there for a routine colonoscopy o but you will be amazed at the things they can fit in there.

ARIES A March 21 – April 19 M Your problems in the bedroom will Y be solved when hired professionals b remove the family of possums living under your bed.

CANCER C JJune 22 – July 22 Your life story will be on display when Y ABC finally airs its made for TV movie A entitled: The World’s Biggest Loser.

LLIBRA September 23 – October 22 S TThe flatulence emitted by The Ticket’s Musers will orchestrate the sounds of M wedding bells for your special day.

LLEO JJuly 23 – August 22 TThe economy and the job market are sstill in the gutter, but take heart: No one would hire you anyway.

SCORPIO S October 23 – November 21 O You will be surprised to find out that Y yyou have to pick up your Friday night date on Harry Hines!

TTAURUS April 20 – May 20 A TThe stars would love to influence yyour future but nothing will stop your raging case of herpes.

ACROSS: 1. Legions 6. Circle fragments 10. Broad valley 14. Perpendicular to the keel 15. Cut back 16. Holly 17. The creation of something in the mind 19. Smack 20. Used to boil water 21. Lay turf 22. Sheltered nook 23. Coach 25. Motor hotel 26. Urgent request 30. Irregular 32. Motion sickness on planes 35. British soldier 39. Shockingly repellent

40. Reddish brown 41. Least difficult 43. Beginner 44. Change 46. Small city 47. Jeans material 50. Picture element 53. Iridescent gem 54. Ambition 55. Comfort 60. Fizzy drink 61. Unruly 63. Modify 64. Skin disease 65. Disdain 66. Arid 67. Epic 68. French for “Room” DOWN: 1. Cut away 2. Double-reed woodwind

SAGITTARIUS S November 22 – December 21 N Uranus is descending in your sign this U week, but you’re probably better off w not knowing what that really means. CAPRICORN C December 22 – January 19 D You’ll finally get your chance to drive Y the car of your dreams unfortunately th it’s just that, in your dreams. AQUARIUS A January 20 – February 18 Ja You’ll master your new iPad 3 faster Y then expected next week when your th company decides to offer you full-time unemployment.

3. Dispatched 4. Diplomacy 5. Refine metal 6. Appropriate 7. Dried grape 8. Balladeer 9. Transmit 10. Bewilder 11. Bestow 12. Depart 13. Kick out 18. Apiece 24. Arctic bird 25. TV, radio, etc. 26. Use a beeper 27. Former Italian currency 28. Twin sister of Ares 29. Acculturate 31. Sleeveless garment 33. A part of the small intestine 34. Vesicle

36. Savvy about 37. Again 38. Mountain pool 42. Soup thickener 43. Gender 45. Scheduling 47. Units of medicine 48. Lyric poem 49. Point of greatest despair 51. Eastern Standard Time 52. Loamy deposit 54. Garments of goat hair 56. Killer whale 57. Anagram of “Loot” 58. Throw 59. Feudal worker 62. Ocean

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MARCH 7 – 13,, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

THE CLOSER

Bohemia Brewed by: Cervecería Cuauhtémoc Moctezuma, S.A. de C.V. ABV: 5.30% This pilsner pours a clear pale yellow with a white head which dissipates quickly and minimal lacing. The malts and slight sulfur notes are present and a bit of noble hops. The taste is smooth, crisp and refreshing. There’s a citrus undertone and finishes with a slight bitterness from the hops. Definitely light bodied but not watery. Carbonation is ample. Pair it with some Tex-Mex and you’re set. Rocky Patel Sun Grown Wrapper: Ecuadorian Sumatra Binder: Nicaraguan Filler: Dominican, Nicaraguan Strength: Medium-Full Bodied This smoke starts off smooth and earthy with notes of wood and spice (pepper). About halfway through the peppery spice becomes more of an aftertaste while maintaining the earthy, nutty and wood flavors. The last third of this stick returns to an increase of pepper. Basic flavors come through but not much more. It has good construction and burn. Original Froot Loop Ingredients: 1 oz Apple Brandy 1/2 oz Cherry Brandy 1/2 oz Smirnoff Vodka 1 Splash Orange Juice Mixing Instructions: Start off by filling the mixing glass with ice. Add apple brandy, cherry brandy, vodka, and orange juice. Shake it like a salt shaker. Strain into a cocktail glass. Let the party begin.

LAST CALL HBO’S GAME CHANGE? YOU BETCHA! By Joe Stumpo – www.darthstumpo.com

knew HBO’s Game Change was going to be a liberal left wing hit job on former Alaskan governor and 2008 Republican vice presidential running mate Sarah Palin long before she and her political action committee sounded off against the film which airs March 10 and is based on John Heiliemann and Mark Halperin’s book on the 2008 presidential election. “Hollywood lies are Hollywood lies,” Palin said in a March 3, 2012 interview on Fox News. “They are going to do what they can do to drum up their money and their machine and their machine happens to be very pro-leftist, pro Barack Obama machine there at HBO that created this movie. Those campaign staffers who essentially threw John McCain under the bus, I think they should feel some shame and should feel some embarrassment because the movie is based on a false narrative as you can see in the trailer.” Scenes from the HBO trailer prove the film, which stars Julianne Moore as the vice presidential candidate, will be a Palin bashing fest. “I’m not sure how much she (Palin) knows about foreign policy,” says McCain’s senior campaign adviser Nicolle Wallace (Sarah Paulson). No Palin film would be complete without a reenactment of her saying in an interview “You can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska.” “Oh my God, what have we done,” says McCain strategist Steve Schmidt (Woody Harrelson). “She’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I can’t control her anymore. She is a great actress right? Why don’t we just give her some lines?” The lines Moore’s Palin speaks echo the line “I am woman, hear me roar” from that 1971 song by Helen Reddy. “It wasn’t my fault,” Palin says on the phone most likely to an adviser with the McCain camp following her disastrous TV interview. “I wasn’t properly prepared. They tell me what to say. What to wear. How to talk. I am not your puppet! I am going to do what I want.” Conservative columnist and commentator

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Jedediah Bila wrote in a March 2, 2012 column on newsmax.com that “As for Hollywood’s attempt to re-define Palin as someone the McCain camp viewed as an unstable idiot, I invite them to give it their best shot. Because Americans aren’t stupid.” Trouble is I am not the least bit convinced that ALL American viewers are smart enough to believe that a majority of these big and small screen adaptations of real life events are nothing more than big budget fabricated distortions of the truth. It reminds me of what “the mad prophet of the airwaves” Howard Beale (Peter Finch) from Network (1976) said about the one-sided propaganda his television station peddles to viewers that could clearly apply to HBO when it comes to made-for-cable movies like Game Change. “We’ll tell you any shit you want to hear,” Beale says. “We deal in illusions man! None of it is true! But you people sit there, day after day, night after night, all ages, colors, creeds. We’re all you know. You’re beginning to believe the illusions we’re spinning here.” These days, I am better off believing a romantic film like this year’s The Vow, whose poster boasts the words “Inspired by true events,” about a woman who suffers from amnesia following a car accident who can’t remember being married to her husband actually happened than I am trusting Hollywood’s adaptation of what went down behind the scenes when Sarah Palin was chosen as John McCain’s vice presidential running mate. Movies like Game Change should boast a poster similar to the advertisement for Michael Clayton (2007) that shows a smeared close up portrait of George Clooney’s character. Instead of Clooney, the studios making a biographical film about an actual person could just show a picture of Sarah Palin, for example, in the background with the words in bright red letters in the foreground saying, “The truth can be adjusted.”

Name: TeeDee Davis How You Know Her: CEO of one of the best-kept secrets in the tech industry in DFW, Ms. Davis is connecting businesses to their customers and showing them how to stay creative while doing it. And she’s a pretty good dresser too. Describe your role at Lattitude Solutions - The denotative name for my role is “Project manager” the connotative is “You better get it done or there will be a lock on the office door” I am a web designer/developer when things are calm. What’s the coolest part of your job? Meeting new people and seeing the look on a business owner’s face when we deliver the EXACT vision that they had in mind for their web project or SEO strategy. Why web design? Because the music industry is NOT what it used to be… I’ve been an artist, executive, producer and manager but its so different now. This was my second passion and I must say it is much more gratifying. What keeps you inspired? Knowing that people depend on me to deliver and an occasional monster energy drink lol. Hidden Talent - Umm well there are several… I do play keys but because I’ve been around so many amazing musicians, it’s quite frankly an insult. What’s your social media addiction Facebook although I’m getting along with Twitter now also…the best kept secret for businesses is LinkedIn. You never leave home without… “Lapadonna” (my laptop) or something that requires a network connection. The greatest song ever made was… “Voyage to Atlantis” by The Isley Brothers. What’s the biggest misconception people have about web design? Is that they can build their own without any experience. WD is multi-faceted now so not only do you have to have a beautiful website, it needs to be user-friendly and easy to navigate…AND if you are a local company you must integrate search engine optimization and some targeted internet marketing strategies.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 26

MARCH 7 – 13, 2012

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