Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

ON DECK

Dallas Polo Club

EMBRACE THE MADNESS By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Bad Boys Bad Boys 3 Health News 4 Tackle Cancer 5 Mavericks News 6 Stars News 7 Peyton’s Pick 7 Sweet Sixteen 8 Cover Story Movie Bikers 9 Must Have Bikes 10-11 BLITZ BABE OF THE WEEK Ariel 12 BLITZ ENTERTAINMENT YARN 13 Seven Things in Seven Days 13 Restaurant Review 14 The Art of Mediocrity 14 Hollywood Shuffle 15 Hollywood Profile 15 Movie Review 15 Auto Review 16 Gadgets 16 Joystick 16 BLITZ FUNNYS Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 THE CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 Sorry John Carter 18 2-Minute Drill 18

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor C. Patterson Graphic Designer Damien Mayfield Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design by Damien Mayfield Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Hannah Allen, Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, David Goodspeed, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith, Jesse Whitman Contributing Photographers Alex Archambault, Dominic Ceraldi, Nate Dorr, Jason Hargrove, N.R. Marathon, A.C. McClurg, Larine N., Eric W. Joey Yee, James, joshhikes Contributing Writers Ashly Anderson, Nicole Barrett, Mika Bradford, Sonny Capps, Will Fiscal, Keysha Hogan, Mateeka Lanee, Jack L. Pier, Darnell Scribes, Quick Steve, Joe Stumpo

LE A R N T O P L AY P O L O NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG Photo Courtesy: Mathematical Association of America

ow that March Madness is underway, it’s time for all the random trivia. There is something about this NCAA tournament that turns even the most dedicated statistician into the neighborhood bookie. Usually I’d shy away from all the frenzied bracketing and watch the games I care about and move on. But this year, I suggest we indulge and check out the astonishing bits of information that accompanies this year’s games.

• This week in unnecessary math, Augsburg College professor Michael Weimerskirch calculated the odds of picking a perfect bracket randomly. The odds are 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 to 1, or more than nine quintillion to one. He also figured out that if you were to fill out brackets with every possible outcome and stack them up, they would not fit within our universe. • We’ve all seen the symbolic moments of winning coaches cutting the net from the rim, but have you seen them rip up the floorboards? Since 1986 teams have been awarded the actual hardwood court they win the championship on. • Millions of your fellow countrymen will be betting approximately $7 billion dollars on the big dance. The FBI estimates there will be around $2.5 billion in illegal bets surrounding the tournament. Although we expect large bets with big games, the feds are crunching numbers and that’s never a good thing. • Sponsorships, ticket sales and broadcast rights for March Madness account for 96 percent of the NCAA’s entire revenue. There are more than 300 Division I schools

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YAY, YOU’RE FAMOUS!

SO YOUR CELLMATES WILL KNOW YOUR NAME!

C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1

trying to make it into March Madness and they spend millions on world-class training, event venues, recruiting, and the best coaches. Failing to make into the tournament can easily send put programs in the red. • It’s estimated that American workers will spend almost 8.4 million hours not working during the three-week tournament. But let’s be honest, between World of Warcraft, Facebook and Angry Birds, this time would already have been lost. • Big businesses seeking to air a 30-second ad during Round 1 will pay around $100,000 to CBS. By the finals that same 30 seconds will be going for more than $1 million. It’s such a bargain for start-ups like Nike and Gatorade to finally be able to get into the sports world. My favorite part of all the lore and trivia around the tournament is the “Cinderella Story.” The idea that one team will rise from mopping floors and evil stepsisters to eventually get the prince and the championship is downright magical. In theory every team has a shot at the title, but history favors those in the Big 6 conferences. The last time a team won the tournament from outside of the Big 6 was the was UNLV in 1990. Even though the deck may be stacked, winning it all is a dream for student athletes across the country. They work hard on the court, they sacrifice, and push themselves in pursuit of this dream. I’m sure there are nights when self-doubt creeps in and confidence is no where to be found. And although I tease and poke fun, I know that to be unrelenting in your pursuit of a dream one must be a bit mad.

Spreading His “Invisible Children” Cinematographer behind the KONY 2012 campaign, Jason Russell, was placed on psychiatric hold last week after having a butt-naked meltdown in San Diego. Russell was videoed ranting to himself about the devil, spewing f-bombs, an allegedly masturbating – officially taking himself out of contention for Seinfeld’s “Master of Your Domain competition. “

Ricky Gervais @rickygervais

Remember.. Everyone has the right to believe in anything they want. And everyone else has the right to find it f*&king ridiculous. Peace. Andy Borowitz @BorowitzReport

Romney: “I love the people of Puerto Rico. I wish I could take you home with me, strapped to the roof of my car.” C. Patterson @ReallyJustChris

After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box.

Long Distance Call British funny man Russell Brand isn’t laughing right now. Last week Brand was arrested for a felony for throwing a paparazzi’s iPhone through a window. Brand insists that he was provoked. Proving that he still has a sense of humor he hired a lawyer by the name of Robert Glass. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28 Photo Courtesy: Joey Yee

THE KLEENEX CHRONICLES SURVIVING SEASONAL ALLERGIES IN TEXAS By Mika Bradford CN, CPhT – www.rattleandhumsports.com

t’s spring time in Texas and if you’re taking to the open road on your motorcycle or hitting the street training for marathons and local fun runs you need to be prepared for seasonal allergies and weather conditions that can cause dry itchy eyes and skin. Temperatures are warming up and trees are rolling out new foliage that is steadily increasing the areas pollen count while the sun is now able to give that subtle sun burn when we least expect it. While most people will first think to grab a bottle of over the counter allergy medicine or eye drops to relieve dry eyes or topical creams to moisturize sun beaten skin you should know that there are dietary supplements that can help with these symptoms that also support your general health and wellbeing. Dry eyes and skin can occur from living in certain climates, changes in the environment as well as when our participation in outdoor activities increase. The lack of Omega-3’s and healthy oils in the foods we eat on a regular basis can directly impact how our body responds to inflammation and the balance of fluids within and around our cells. With so much emphasis on reducing fats from our diet, most consumers interpret this as a directive to remove all fats from their diet. Naturally occurring tears are composed of more than just water, and in fact contain proteins, mucus, salts and certain types of fats called Omega-3’s. Together, all of these elements help to lubricate and protect the eyes. If there is an imbalance or shortage of any one of these ingredients it can increase the likeliness that irritants in the environment will have a

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negative impact, resulting in the symptoms of dry eyes. Omega-3 fatty acids are naturally occurring fats found in certain plants like flax seed and in fish like salmon and cod. These fats play an important role in supporting healthy supple looking skin, neurological and cardio vascular functioning. It is suggested that at least three servings of fish be eaten a week or daily supplementation of 1000mg of Omega-3 be taken daily. Natural substances from fruits and vegetables that have also shown to positively support the body’s response to inflammation occurring from multiple sources includes Quercetin, Stinging Nettles, Bromelain and the amino acid N-Acetyl L-Cysteine (NAC). Quercetin is found in onions and is a potent natural flavonoid shown to inhibit certain compounds that typically affect the sinus. Stinging Nettles has demonstrated both promising mechanisms and clinical results for supporting nasal passageway health by assisting in the process of drying up excessive mucus. Bromelain is an enzyme from pineapple that has been proven to support normal mucosal tissue functioning which is why it is used by many physicians in response to joint inflammation, wound care and the increased production of mucus from within the sinuses. N-Acetyl L-Cysteine (NAC) has been shown to reduce the viscosity or thickness of mucus. While you may still need to grab a box of allergy medicine for temporary relief of seasonal allergies or sunscreen, take a look at ways you can improve your diet that will improve your overall health and the quality of time you spend outdoors.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

MARCH 21 – 27, 2012 Photos Courtesy: dmartinmovement.com

THE GOOD OF THE GAME ATHLETES JOIN TOGETHER TO TACKLE CANCER By Darnell Scribes – @myboxseat s we all know, athletes notoriously have bad repuatations for the way they live their lives. They buy the overly expensive car; they have the most lavish homes and frivolously use their Amex Black Cards at the swankiest West Village Lounges and Bistros. The fact is the pro athlete in our modern world of sports is afforded a lifestyle that causes many of us to work our 40 hrs a week in envy. That makes it even more refreshing when you get a chance to see

ers and sponsors. The whole vibe of the evening felt genuine and sincere. The athletes were very kind and engaging with a few of the families that are directly assisted by the programs that TCF offers. The real winners of the night were the little boys and girls that donned huge smiles as they got to talk and be around the giants they had only seen on TV. These families were able to see that it is real compassion in the heart of players. In attendance were former and current members of NFL

them use their lucrative salaries to improve the lives of others instead of themselves. There are several area organizations that benefit from the generosity of professional athletes. Unfortunately, these gifts go mostly unnoticed in the eyes of the general public. I mean these are selfish individuals who only know how to spend on the latest items in the Robb Report right? Now obviously, anybody who has ever opened their Yahoo! homepage before thumbing through emails knows that is simply, not true. The Tackle Cancer Foundation can attest to that fact. Over the weekend they hosted their 6th Annual Celebrity Poker Tournament. It was held at the beautiful W Hotel’s rooftop lounge, Ghostbar and covered by The D.MartinMovement and SocialNetworkPr. The proceeds from the evening went to help families with children that suffer from all forms of pediatric cancer and adults that suffer from the blood cancer multiple mycelia. The TCF event also featured a silent auction of memorabilia that was donated by some the play-

rosters. Most notably Patrick Crayton, who played with the Dallas Cowboys and former New York Giant RW McQuarters. Many of the charities that exist now that do great work in the community wouldn’t be nearly effective as they are without the money given by professional athletes that look to make a true difference with their wealth. That goes to us all that they are not as self-absorbed and distanced as the media and public opinion often suggests. Many of these warriors possess a much gentler side volunteering their time and efforts to connect with people in need of hope. Things that many major company high level executives and wealthy investors don’t have the heart or the desire to do. These athletes improve the quality of life of so many others. A reality that I hope will never get over shadowed by the luxury and excess that can be associated with professional sports. So, the next time you purchase the overpriced tickets, popcorn and beer at your favorite sporting venue remember the good of the game. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28 Photos Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

UPCOMING SCHEDULE: 3/21 LAKERS 8:30 P.M. 3/23 @ SPURS 7:30 P.M. 3/24 @ ROCKETS 7:00 P.M. 3/37 ROCKETS 7:30 P.M.

TURNING THINGS AROUND BIG WIN AGAINST THE SPURS OPENS THE DOOR By Geoff Case – @geoffcase

he Dallas Mavericks were in a complete tailspin after the All-Star break losing five of the seven first games in March. There appears to be a light on the horizon after the Mavs dispatched the Western Conference’s number two seeded Spurs. Despite having another horrid night from Lamar Odom, the Mavericks were hitting on all cylinders. This game was crucial for the Mavs psyche moving forward onto the final push for the playoffs. “We knew how important this game is,” said starting point guard Jason Kidd. “As the season is getting closer to the end we’ve got to play better basketball. Tonight is a perfect example of that.” After winning at home against Washington and Charlotte, the NBA’s two worst teams, beating San Antonio was much more impressive feat, even if the Spurs were playing for the second consecutive night. Dallas never trailed and the only tie was at two-all. “It was a playoff battle. Anytime we see the Spurs it’s a fun game, great atmosphere, both teams really trying to get the win. As expected, it was a physical game,” Nowitzki said. “They went small some, tried to mix it up. At the end they were double-teaming some. I thought as a team, we always made the right play, find the open guy. That was definitely big.” This was exactly what the doctor ordered for the Mavericks headed forward. The Mavs dearly needed a win against a quality opponent and rival to boost the confidence of a team that had lost their way. Is Roddy B finally getting it? Beaubois got his first start since March 2 at shooting guard with Vince Carter shifting over to small forward to replace Shawn Marion, who missed his first game of the season with a sore left knee. Beaubois performance was crucial in the four-game win streak the Mavs are

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currently riding. The flashes have come and gone for Dallas Mavericks third-year guard Rodrigue Beaubois, but they hope what they are seeing now is a little consistency. Over the past four games, Beaubois has played the most consistent basketball of his career. Beaubois’ performance against the Spurs was especially electric, he finished with 16 points and a career-best-tying eight rebounds. “He’s stepped up this entire homestand,” Terry said. “He kind of controlled Tony Parker. He was pretty darned good.” The Mavericks are hoping that Roddy Beaubois can sustain this level because backup guard Delonte West still does not have a timetable for his return from a broken finger in his shooting hand. Dirk is back! Dallas forward Dirk Nowitzki finished the Spurs game with a game-high 27 points on 9-of-19 shooting. It was the third consecutive game that he has finished with exactly 27 points. In each of the last three games, he has been scorching hot throwing down at least 27 points, four rebounds and three assists. The beginning of the season was incredibly tough for Nowitzki with some critics saying that father time had finally caught up with the big German. He has since put those fears to rest and is playing some extraordinary basketball right in time for the Mavs to make their final push. Roster report: • C Brendan Haywood (sprained right knee) is out at least four more games. Brendan Haywood left the Charlotte game with a sprained right knee and did not return. Carlisle said the injury didn’t appear to be serious. • G Delonte West (fractured right ring finger) is out indefinitely.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

MARCH 21 – 27, 2012 Photos Courtesy: Dominic Ceraldi

UPCOMING SCHEDULE: 3/22 CANUCKS 7:30 P.M. 3/24 FLAMES 1:00 P.M. 3/26 @ FLAMES 8:00 P.M.

THE FOCUS FACTOR STARS GET READY FOR STRETCH RUN By Tony Barone – tbarone@blitzweekly.com

he Dallas Stars remarkable 11 game points streak ended abruptly with ugly losses to the Winnipeg Jets 5-2 on the road and to the Chicago Blackhawks 4-1 in Dallas two days later. The Winnipeg loss can be explained away as the Stars were playing in back-to-back road games, something they have not done well all season. And Winnipeg was playing their first game in four days at home, where they are better than anyone else

in the NHL. But the Chicago game raised concerns for a team, which cannot afford to string together losses at this point in the season. The Hawks scored 10 seconds into the game and added another about a minute later causing the Stars to play catch-up all night. After playing 24 games in 45 days since the All-Star game, posting a 14-7-3 record to take over first in the Pacific Division and the third seed in the Western Conference, the Stars get a chance to mend some injuries to key players with a three-day break before playing the last 10 games of the regular season. “If it was two games ago when we were on a big run we probably wouldn’t have liked the timing of it, but when you’re coming off a couple of losses like we just had, it’s probably a good time,” said Stars captain Brenden Morrow about the break. “We’re going to be in a big grind here over the next 10 games and they’re going

to dictate our fate, so it’s going to be nice to have a couple of days where you could just recharge the batteries and be ready for that hard push.” Two players who have been out with injuries – Sheldon Souray and Radek Dvorak – will get a couple more days to heal. “The three-day break comes at a great time because it gives us time to heal a couple of the guys, Dvorak and Hammer, and it gives us the time to get away,” said Stars

coach Glen Gulutzan. “And we’re still in a playoff spot no matter what happens here as far as games go and we have to focus on our last 10 and I think this three days gives us a good chance to do that.” While the Stars will still be in a playoff spot, things are getting tighter in the standings. Their lead in the Pacific Division is down to one point and so is their lead over the ninth place spot in the Western Conference. The Stars didn’t have a power play chance in the two losses to Winnipeg and Chicago. “We’ve got to generate more flurries and pucks towards the net, so you make teams defend you and take penalties on you,” said Gulutzan. “I thought there could have been a couple of penalties, but you can’t beg. You have to work to create opportunities that force them to defend and take you down. That’s what we’ve got to do.”

A HORSE IS A HORSE PEYTON MANNING CHOOSES THE BRONCOS By C. Patterson – @ReallyJustChris

y now it’s the choice heard around the world, Manning is taking his talents to higher altitudes. He has been methodical in every aspect of his career and it didn’t just stop when the horseshoe left his helmet. Peyton now steps into the watchful eye of John Albert Elway, Jr. and they are both ready to win and win now. Manning’s agent, Tom Condon, has finalized the paperwork and dotted i’s and crossed t’s much to the chagrin of Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams as Adams told The Tennessean, “I was hoping we would win out…I thought he’d want to stay in Tennessee.” The soon to be 36-year-old QB will be making around $96 million over five-years in his new stable. This coming off of a life-changing year that took away nearly everything that defines him. Peyton is looking to not follow the path of Namath, Montana (arguably), Cunningham, and ugh McNabb – finishing out his career in a napalm fireball of crappiness in the wrong uniform. He wants to prove that he can still win and not just win, but blow people out. So he chose the only logical decision, the Denver Broncos. None of Manning’s other suitors brought with them the security and comfort of the Mile High spoils takers. Think about it; the 49ers have an overbearing ex-quarterback at head coach, the Jets have front row seats to Tom Brady twice a season, the Redskins…well we all remember Donovan, the Dolphins (could you really imagine Peyton strolling down South Beach soaking up the sun, me either) no hope there, but at least the Titans offered free pancakes everyday for life via Shoney’s. The one thing that none of these others guys had that the Broncos do is John Elway. John respects Peyton and Peyton respects John. They have a goal – no scratch that – they have a calling. They are both seekers of redemption; Peyton for his untimely exit from his home due to injury and John to prove that he made the right deci-

sion when he said that Tim Tebow wasn’t ready for a starting job in the NFL. Elway didn’t believe in Tebow, he believes in Peyton. No amount of fans hurling John 3:16 chants and viral genuflection can change that now. The future Hall of Famer has his new team and now the only thing left to see is if his neck and arm will hold out. And that will be placed in the hands of an offensive line that has never stood in front of greatness. They have stood in front of someone

Dear God, when I asked for help for next season, this is not what I had in mind.

trendy, but never great. They have a lot of practice ahead of them to protect the way Manning is accustomed to and needs now more than ever (perhaps they should review some game footage of the Orange Crush). He has placed his bet that his career and his health are safe with that O-line and for his sake I hope they can deliver. So, chin-up Titans, straighten-up 49ers, wipe away your tears Redskins, things will get better one day Dolphins, tough luck Seahawks. So what Peyton didn’t want you and now all of your current quarterbacks hate you and are looking for new cities that won’t discard them every time an almost over-the-hill soon-to-be Hall of Fame inductee needs a job. So what your cities now have no hope on the horizon. Just close your eyes and repeat…we like Eli better anyway.

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MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

MARCH OF MADNESS UNDERWAY HOW SWEET IT IS TO BE DOWN TO SIXTEEN By Tommy Smith - tsmith@blitzweekly.com

ll hail the state of Ohio! After the first two rounds of the 2012 NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship, the Buckeye state is a commanding 8-0 in tournament play. Ohio State, Cincinnati, Ohio University and Xavier will make up 25 percent of the Sweet Sixteen field as action resumes this Thursday in the big dance. Xavier, a 10 seed, is one of three double-digit seeds to make it to the round of sweetness, Joined by 11 seed North Carolina State and 13 seed Ohio. For the first time in tournament history two 2 seeds where upset by 15 seeds when Missouri lost to Norfolk State and the Dukies fell to Lehigh. Lehigh gave Xavier all they could to make it the round of 16 but fell short 70-58 late. All the number one seeds are through to the next round. Kentucky, Syracuse, North Carolina and Michigan State were all able to take care of business this weekend. As we take a look around the regions, which big dog will be the first to fall in the regional semifinals?

THE MIDWEST //

Here is where things get exciting. North Carolina and Kansas are the one and two seeds in the Midwest and that is where the chalk ends. The Tar Heels have looked unstoppable in their two games but an injury to guard Kendall Marshall has Franklin St. concerned as a date with Kansas looms. That is if the Heels can get past the Bobcats of Ohio who are looking to be just one of the Cinderellas from this region. Ohio guards D.J. Cooper and Walter Offutt combined for 40 points in Ohio’s win over South Florida Sunday. The other side of the bracket brings us a juicy match-up between Rock Chalk and the 11 seed Wolfpack of North Carolina State. With the ghost of Jimmy V in the building, N.C. State took down the mighty Hoyas of Georgetown 66-63 in Columbus on Sunday. Could we see an 11 seed take on a 13 seed for a shot at the final four? With North Carolina possibly beat up and Kansas always a team to get beat at anytime in the tourney, stranger things have happened. Well, not really but don’t be surprised if this year’s VCU comes from the Midwest.

THE SOUTH //

Kentucky was the number one seed coming into the tournament and there has been nothing to suggest that the Wildcats will not remain that way. How about the line from Marquis Teague against Iowa State Saturday? The Kentucky guard was 10-14 from the floor, 1-3 from three and dropped seven dimes, scoring 24 points. Darius Miller played 35 minutes off the bench for UK and scored 19 points on 7-11 shooting. Kentucky will get an Indiana team that though came in as a four seed are somewhat of a surprise to some to still be playing. VCU gave the Hoosiers all they had last Saturday but Christian Watford and Cody Zeller were able to hold off the Rams 63-61 in one of the best games thus far in the tourney. The bottom half of the south will be the Baylor Bears taking on Xavier. Baylor the number three seed had their way with past conference foe Colorado Saturday winning 80-63. The Bears were powered by 27 points from Brady Heslip, who was 9-12 from downtown. Ouch! Look for some Big Twelve versus SEC action in the regional final with Kentucky cutting down the nets in the south.

THE EAST //

Despite the loss of Fab Melo, the Orange have gotten some great production off the bench and moved to the Sweet Sixteen by beating Kansas State 75-59 Saturday in Pittsburgh. Guard Dion Waiters scored 18 and forward James Sutherland threw in 15 points to go with guard Scoop Jardines 16 for Syracuse. Jimmy Boeheim will have his work cut out for him against always-tough Badgers from Wisconsin. If the Orange are able to win that game they would face the winner of the battle of Ohio between the number two seed OSU Buckeyes and the sixth seeded Bearcats of Cincinnati. Ohio State had four starters in double figures against Gonzaga and forward Jared Sullinger and the Buckeyes might find themselves in the French Quarter at month’s end. It may be time to start preparing the victory gumbo.

THE WEST //

The shot heard round the world came from the west Friday as 15 seed Norfolk State took out many bracketeers’ pick to win it all, Missouri 86-84 in a thriller. This was not a game Missouri lost but a game the Spartans of NSU won. There was to be no momentum gained from the win for Norfolk State, however, as they ran into a Florida buzz saw right now in Head Coach Billy Donovan’s Gators. Florida won the game 84-50 Sunday and will take on the number three seed Marquette in Phoenix. The Gators were 135th in rebounding during the regular season but have been strong inside thus far. The winner of Florida versus Marquette will get the winner of a great match-up between two great coaches. Tom Izzo’s Michigan State Spartans will face Rick Pitino’s Louisville Cardinals in the other regional semifinal. Sparty had to hold on Sunday to beat Rick Majerus’s Billikens from Saint Louis 65-61, while Louisville squeaked by New Mexico 59-56. Michigan State would seem to be the pick here but really this is wide open. Coming into the tournament the west looked like the weakest bracket but as play unfolds there is some power left here.

So there is still a chance we see all number one seeds in the Big Easy for the final four and a chance we see something we have never seen before with the possible Cinderella’s left in the dance. Get your sleep in now because the action in this tournament has just begun. VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

By Blitz Weekly Staff – @BlitzWeekly

CAPTAIN VIRGIL HILTS

KEVIN & SAM FLYNN

In TRON and TRON Legacy they rode light cycles in a fantasy video game world, have you? Thought so.

Could anyone ever be better than Steve McQueen in The Great Escape? Maybe Chuck Norris and anyone who has dared to look into Chuck Norris’ eyes.

THE LONE BIKER OF THE APOCALYPSE

The grenade-wearing, scruffy beard having, light a match on his face biker gave every parent who has ever seen Raising Arizona something for their kids not to be when they grow up.

EVEL KNIEVEL

Damn right…enough said.

JOHNNY STRABLER

Marlon Brando’s iconic character from The Wild One made being a outlaw biker the coolest thing since wanting to be the fourth Stooge. Too bad he made bikers feared instead of respected.

TRINITY

Neo’s main squeeze from The Matrix trilogy sure knew her way around a Ducati. And she rode it in black patent leather…nice.

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MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

By Quick Steve – @BlitzWeekly

WHEN FOUR WHEELS ARE JUST TWO TOO MANY IT MAY BE TIME TO JUMP ON SOMETHING THAT GIVES YOU THAT FREEDOM THAT A SEDAN NEVER COULD. SURE YOU COULD HAVE CUP HOLDERS AND HEATED SEATS, BUT SHE NEVER HELD YOU LIKE THAT IN THE CAMRY DID SHE? BLITZ ASKED ME TO COMPILE A LIST OF THE MOST INCREDIBLE RIDES THAT ARE SEATBELT FREE, SO HERE IT IS. CONSIDER THIS YOUR BIKE BIBLE. TELL HER TO HOLD ON TIGHT BECAUSE IT’S TIME TO GO FAST…HALLELUJAH.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

YAMAHA YZF-R1 WORLD GP 50TH ANNIVERSARY

This street demon brings MotoGP technology to the road with the brand new seven-level traction control. The 998cc, liquid-cooled 4-stroke engine will make every red light a rev session. Yamaha’s R1 has always been sport bike royalty, but having the 50th Anniversary edition will make you Emperor of I-75. Perfect Accessory: Scorpion Stinger Jacket ($379.95)

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DUCATI 1199 PANIGALE

STAR VMAX

Perfect Accessory: Arai Corsair V Race Carbon Helmet ($3,995.00)

Perfect Accessory: Your dad’s brass knuckles (priceless)

The 195 hp Superquadro engine ngine m makes kes this the wet dream of everyy spo sport bike enthusiast (well that and Ducati ucati being the Ferrari of motorcycles). This sex symbol on two wheels has a dry weight of 164 kg (362 lbs.) and enough cutting-edge technology onboard to get it a job at Apple. This bike is a favorite among the motorcycling 1% like Will Smith, Prince William, Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, and David Beckham.

The ultimate muscle bike looks like it could beat you up in a bare-knuckle boxing match and get your gir girlfriend’s phone number afterwards. This matte black monster has a 102-cubic-inch bi i h 1679cc v-4 engine and an attitude. It’s one tough bike, just hope the big guys at the biker bar don’t want to see how tough you are. But just in case they do, you can always jump on the VMax and “Hi yo Silver away.” Hey, it’s better than a punch to the face.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

HARLEY DAVIDSON SON IRON 883

The Dark Knight is draped entirely in black and is completely customizable. ble. The Iron 883 is part of Harley’s Dark Custom line that also brings the Street Bob, Fat Bob, and Blackline among others to the pavement. It gives that rugged feeling to a classic manufacturer as if Harley needed any help in that area. Perfect Accessory: The Buxom Blonde (price may vary)

MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

VICTORY CROSS COUNTRY TOUR

The “Sturgis Special” is the Lear ea Jet of bikes taking you from pointt A – 1,500 miles down the road – to point B in complete comfort. This bike becomes your road warrior and just as loved and trustworthy as your dog. The 1731cc Freedom 106/6 engine is built to last like Cindy Crawford. Enjoy seeing the country with the Victory from sea to shining sea. Just make sure you get a comfortable seat or you’ll be investing in some Boudreaux’s Butt Paste when you finally get home. Perfect Accessory: Mark Nason Braybrooks ($400)

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MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

BRINGING ROOTS MUSIC TO SXSW YARN PULLS US IN CLOSE WITH THEIR NEW LP By Jack L. Pier

hen I was invited to attend New Frontier Touring’s SXSW Showcase on Friday, March 18, it was to review a “Roots” band called YARN, who was about to release a new LP two days later Almost Home. My editor dropped off a pre-release copy for me so I could listen to it on the way down to Austin, but I warned him that I was not very familiar with the genre. When I looked it up on Wikipedia, it said it could refer to “several styles or trends in music”, but the one I think nails it on the head read: “…Roots Revival, a trend which includes young performers popularizing the traditional musical styles of their ancestors”. What it didn’t say was that some of these young performers are mixing these styles together, often within the same song, to create something I’m not sure we’ve seen or heard before. This night, at Skinny’s Ballroom, I found out what they’re up to and I must admit… it’s pretty exciting. It started when I walked in the door and saw a four piece band playing on stage in the back. I was soon to find out they’re called Larkin Poe, consisting of two sisters; one who plays mandolin like a lead guitarist and the other who plays steel guitar like

a dueling banjo. Their two male counterparts were a drummer that could rival many a good jazz percussionist, and a guitarist who blended sweet folk chords with bluesy lead licks. The other bands in the showcase all brought something a little different that night and they all warrant more than a mention

here. Uncle Lucius, a local favorite brought some R&B and southern rock into the mix. Then the seductive Sister Sparrow & The Dirty Birds bring in a horn section and for just a second I thought I was witnessing the reincarnation of Amy Winehouse. And finally, The Wheeler Brothers, who were recently voted Austin’s best new

band. While they setup, a former member, who I could tell was very proud of them, yet a bit sad he wasn’t still part of them, schooled me on their history. When YARN took stage, the first thing I noticed was their bass player plays a stand-up bass and their mandolin player has an odd resemblance to a young Robert

Plant. The way he played his instrument was more like Jimmy Page though (both of Led Zeppelin fame). The band started their set with “Annie”, one of my favorite tracks off the new record. The lyrics, sung in an almost Jimmy Buffet ease, tell a story that warns her: “Annie - Don’t you dare come home.” But just when you think you have this song figured out, the lead guitarist starts fingering some blue grass scales and a whole new dimension is added. He reminded me of a seasoned musician you’d expect to see playing with a cigarette hanging from his mouth. The fact he was the sole back-up vocalist, and did so flawlessly, was not overlooked either. Some songs on “Almost Home” demonstrate catchy hooks that lean toward a country sound “Dirt Road”, while others are more folk “When the Summer Ends” or southern rock “Soft Rock Radio”. The last track shows the band’s sense of humor and gives props to a great singer/songwriter: “Fussin’ and Fighting (Singin’ Jim Croce)”. I learned a lot about “Roots” music and had a great time that night at SXSW. It wasn’t quite what I was expecting, but in the end, that’s what made it so great.

Photo Courtesies: Audi USA, Alex Archambault, James, N.R. Marathon, joshhikes, Jason Hargrove, Darryl Briggs

WED. 3/21

DALLAS AUTO SHOW Dallas Convention Center – Dallas See the cars of the future, today. The Auto Show’s doors will be open until Sunday the 25th. See all the new cars, trucks, and SUVs that you will be filling up at $4.50 a gallon.

THURS. 3/22

SHATNER’S WORLD DALLAS The Majestic – Dallas The good captain of the Star Ship Enterprise will beam down to DFW and allow we mere morals to gaze upon his spectacular presence. We hear he’s pretty funny too. 7:30pm.

FRI. 3/23

WHAT WOULD YOU DRINK? SOMMELIERS’ FAVORITES Pappas Bros. Steakhouse – Dallas The place with the best steaks in town also seems to have the best wine too. Meet Master Sommelier Barbara Werley and enjoy her favorites as you indulge in your incredible steak. 6pm.

SAT. 3/24

5K FOR HUMAN RIGHTS Bachman Lake Park – Dallas Ten times better than the 5K For Human Wrongs, this race celebrates the Human Rights Initiative of North Texas. Be a part of the solution and lace up for a great cause. 8:30am

SUN. 3/25

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HALF MARATHON Young St. & S. Griffin St. – Dallas Keep your shoes laced up for one of the biggest races in the country that also benefits the Susan G. Komen Marathon for the Cure. Experience an awesome day with some awesome people. 8am.

MON. 3/26

SMU FASHION WEEK BASH Tootsies – Dallas Ladies expect the latest and greatest of New York’s Fashion Week to hit Big D for SMU’s Fashion Bash. Skyhigh stilettos and Hermes Birkin bags will be in attendance. 6:30pm.

TUES. 3/27

ROCKETS VS. MAVS American Airlines Center – Dallas Dirk & Lam Lam continue their quest to bring the Mavs back to championship form. This one should be pretty easy the Rockets have sucked since 2004. 7:30pm.

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MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

RED DOG RIGHT

HUT, HOOPS, OR HOCKEY

By Sonny Capps – @BlitzWeekly First off, I’m a sucker for hot n’ spicy food and the wings here were good, but as I said I like HOT HOT HOT and SPICY. So, I know sometimes my assessment may be a little off. The wings where good, cooked well, and breaded appropriately, spicy? Yes, hot and fire? No. But still good for the norm.

AMBIANCE

The restaurant is kind of new to its area in Southlake off of 114, but I see no reason this place won’t be a success. The waitresses and bartenders aren’t clad in bikini tops, so you can take your wife or girl there with no hiccups (trust me this matters). The overall set up, seating, and TVs for sports viewing are near the top of ranking for any sports bar or restaurant in the area. The menu is extensive and has everything from burgers to steaks, I was just in the mood for wings that day and although I didn’t get my Adam Richman-like spiciness appetite satisfied, I will be back if for no other reason the overall set up. When it comes to aesthetics and service, a place set up like this is hard to find. This isn’t for a first dinner date, or when you’re trying to make up for screwing up, this is a sports barrestaurant and one of the classiest.

SERVICE

I was somewhat concerned at first when I met my brother there for a late lunch and a few drinks, as we sat at the bar we were two of six people in the whole place. I remembered about halfway through the meal we were in Southlake at 2pm on Thursday, point being, this isn’t like being in the city, most people

MUST HAVES:

The Chi-Town Dog, BBQ Hand Pulled Chicken Pizza, and the house-made soft pretzels.

WHO EATS THERE:

Sports nuts, homers, buddies and “the guys.”

ADDRESS:

3311 E State Hwy 114 Southlake, TX 76092 (817) 289-7444 Mon-Thu: 11:00am-11:00pm Fri-Sat: 11:00am-2:00am Sun: 10:00am-10:00pm

Photos Courtesy: Eric W. & Larine N.

here work and the affluent that don’t are at the country clubs playing golf or cards this time of day. So, Red Dog Right being relatively empty didn’t concern me anymore. If you want to sit anywhere, get undivided attention and good food this is the place to go during the day. From my understanding, go after business hours or on a weekend when sports are in full effect and good luck getting seated immediately. Like I said, some of the best seating and all brand new big screens placed accordingly around the restaurant. The bar area is open to the patio, which also has viewing and seating as well. The proprietors here aimed to make this more than “wing and beer” sports bar and they succeeded. Even if you don’t live west of the airport, your efforts

to make a visit will be awarded with quality food, services and sports viewing. If you’re a heat seeker like myself, get your satisfaction somewhere else; this is sports, quality services, overall good food, and atmosphere.

BLITZ-WORTHY

Overall, price is mid-ranged, menu is extensive, service is great, management’s attention to detail is high, and other than highway construction, location is good. It’s definitely a place to take in a game or a few brews with you buddies and you should have no problem taking your lady friend here either since the girls are fully clothed. I’ll most likely be a regular for football season. Is it that good for viewing games and getting waited on you ask? YES!

MEDIOCRITY ISN’T GOOD, BUT IT ISN’T BAD EITHER.... By Jesse Whitman - jwhitman00@gmail.com

sychologists, charged with cataloging the various dysfunctions of the human psyche, cite the two most common and prevailing neuroses of the human population: fear and laziness. Being enemies and opposites, fear and laziness can have deleterious effects on people, especially those with dreams and aspirations. People fear failure but are too lazy to do anything about it, so instead they stew in their shattered dreams and numb their selfloathing with various forms of substance abuse. And success? That can result in a train wreck as well, as Hollywood continues to show us, since once you succeed you must continue to feed the beast or drown your ego in a trail of whiskey and cocaine if you end up a one hit wonder. Not that I have anything against success or having aspirations, but unfortunately, the side effects can often cause depression and low self-esteem, among other things, if your dreams don’t turn out how you would have hoped. Also keep in mind the simple math involved. There are more people on the planet, which means there is more talent and competition in every industry and profession

than at any time in history. Even if you are the best you still could get stuck in the slush pile of other countless applicants. These gatekeepers are very mysterious and I often wonder why some get in and some don’t. Occasionally, a misunderstood genius slips through posthumously or way after his prime, as was the case with John Kennedy Toole (Confederacy of Dunces), and John Steinbeck, respectively. And it doesn’t necessarily help your chances if you happen to come out of the right vagina. Melissa Rivers came out of her mother’s and went straight to the middle. But that’s my point: maybe being in the middle isn’t so bad? Melissa seems to be doing fine as the mediocre daughter of Joan Rivers. She gets to enjoy the riches of success without being subjected to a volatile and cutthroat career in the limelight. Other benefits of mediocrity can extend to being a “C” student as well. You won’t have to be world-weary and depressed if you don’t know that much about the violence and misery that happens everyday in the rest of the world. We may have ended slavery in the United States, but we just out-

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sourced it to China. But if you don’t think about it – and mediocrity requires little if any thinking – ignorance is indeed bliss. In fact, I recommend skipping the news altogether and sticking to celebrity gossip, since real news these days is scarier and gloomier than the bloodiest war movie. Plus, if you are prone to mediocrity, you can revel in bad plastic surgery and the recent hit and run by Lindsay Blohan. I would also like to see mediocrity go beyond the bounds of corporate monotony. I was driving through High Springs, Florida the other day, which is one of the few towns in the state without a strip mall. Instead it boasts a small-town-feel with little ma’ and pa’ shops selling all types of awful things. One gallery in the heart of town doesn’t even try to hide it, with the name “Poor Taste.” My point is, you would never be able to find a 10-foot chicken statue at a Pottery Barn, now would you?

Photo Courtesy: Nate Dorr

So listen up all you overachievers out there: Give yourselves a break and enjoy a little mediocrity. And please indulge my idealism for a moment: all the CEO’s destroying the planet with what they call progress, maybe it would save us all if they took a break too and played the guitar kind of badly for awhile. Robert Mugabe, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong Il... I can’t help but wonder what the world would be like if they weren’t so ambitious?

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

HOLLYWOODPROFILE

WITH

KIM GATLIN

By Nicole Barrett – @MsNicoleBarrett

By Nicole Barrett @MsNicoleBarrett Dick Van Dyke - Has been loved on screen for longer than his wife has been alive! Van Dyke married make-up artist, Arlene Silver, whom he met six years ago. Silver happens to be 46 years his junior. Wonder if they have twin beds like Rob and Mary?

George Clooney - Appeared on Capitol Hill to testify on the Sudanese government’s bombings of civilians. The Ides of March actor, a known humanitarian, was able to attain audience in the Oval Office to speak on the border crisis between Sudan and South Sudan. Not everyone in Hollywood is shallow. Jermaine Jones – The American Idol phenom was considered an early favorite, but when producers learned he lied about his criminal record (he has had multiple run-ins with the law) including four warrants for his arrest and also his ‘very aggressive’ nature with the AI staff, it was decided that he should be let go. It appears to be his swan song.

ig hair, big bling, and big controversy! Of course, it’s a show set in Dallas. Kim Gatlin may have struck oil on the shelf with her much talked about book Good Christian Bitches. The title alone has risen more than a few eyebrows. But that certainly didn’t stop it from flying off the shelves and into the hands of the ABC network. With an abbreviated title and dynamite cast that includes TV veteran Annie Potts and Broadway star Kristen Chenoweth, GCB (as it is now known) debuted on March 4th to blockbuster ratings and blockbuster controversy. Conservative groups have asked viewers to boycott the show, one advertiser pulled out (although they said it had nothing to do with the show’s content), and at least two elected officials have called the show flat out “Un-Christian” despite the colorful title. Neither one of them are from Texas. GCB centers on Amanda Vaughn, a former “mean girl” who returns home to Dallas after a humiliating divorce, and worse than that – broke. Once home she’s welcomed by her sassy mom, Gigi, and a group of catty “old friends” who are still not ready to turn the other cheek. I spent some time with Kim Gatlin and we discussed some of the reaction. “Overall the response has been warm and supportive,” says Gatlin. “I think it’s interesting that the people criticizing the show probably have not seen it!” Gatlin, a Dallas native who still lives here, has strong roots in the community. A graduate of Highland Park High School, her father was an executive at Neiman Marcus. Her cousin, actress Angie Harmon, is also from Dallas. So for her to base the book in her own backyard (literally) was risky to say the least. The affluent Dallas community in the book and TV series is Hillside Park. The similarities instantly piqued the curiosity of the locals. Was this our Peyton Place? There are some similarities between Gatlin and the show’s lead character, Amanda Vaughn. Both have a son and a daughter (Gatlin is the former wife of country music star Rudy Gatlin). After the two divorced, Gatlin says that she was the subject of countless rumors and whispers. So she began to journal her thoughts as a way of coping. Gatlin assures that it is far more fiction than fact. “I had my ghost writer give the characters their names. For example, the character of Gigi [played by Potts] is nothing like my mother in real life. So they are really not based on any actual people.” That should ease the minds of a lot of neighbors. And let the city say, Amen.

MOVIEREVIEW OF THE HUNGER GAMES The Hunger Games, based on the bestselling series of young adult novels by Suzanne Collins, made grown-ups I saw sniffle, gasp, and sneer. Set in a futuristic Capitol nation where the fashion is 80’s aerobic meets Marie Antoinette, the film follows the story of Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence), a girl locked in the ultimate unjust legal system. The Capitol is divided into 12 districts, from which a boy and girl are chosen each year to participate in a televised battle royale, “The Hunger Games,” in remem-

brance of a historical citizen rebellion. The challenge itself is set up in the way of a murderous American Idol, complete with a blue-haired, but just as aggravating, version of Ryan Seacrest (Stanley Tucci). After sacrificing herself for her sister’s life, Katniss becomes the first volunteer in history. The Hunger Games is ultimately a story of power, exploring how we get and use it. It presents a world where goo has the power to heal wounds overnight, and a heedless public has the power to

decide if and when to distribute it. Is it ever okay to play with life and death? This dystopian future holds a mirror to the most disgusting aspects of human nature, as we watch characters kill like animals, die like animals, all for the sake of entertainment. The movie itself is greatly entertaining, offering a range of – sometimes heavy-handed – emotion. In stark contrast to some other novel-based film heroines, Katniss Everdeen is a strong, admirable, compassionate female character,

Check Nicole out The ow on h Barrett S M every A 0 7 5 F t LI K y night a Saturda . 8pm By Mateeka Lanee’ mateekalanee.wordpress.com

capable of surviving independently. While it does rely on poor graphics for aspects of its realization, the hand-on-hand action allows for a generous serving of forgiveness. Even the presence of some 80’s wolf-monsters can’t distract from the real emotional dilemmas presented. An effective rendition of a beloved literary work, The Hunger Games both serves as surface-level entertainment and a thought-provoking semblance of human nature at its most detestable.

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MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

MOTOREVIEW: T-REX 14RR ADRENALINE WITH A SEAT BELT By Quick Steve – @BLITZWeekly Absolutely one of the wildest rides imaginable. The Campagna T-Rex 14RR seems to have jumped right out of Leonardo DiVinci’s tablet with its design. The completely street and track legal ride is the very limited edition big brother of the company’s original T-Rex. This cyclecar can accommodate a driver and a passenger, while taking you on the ride of your life (just steer clear of potholes). The handling capabilities of the 14RR are for lack of a better term, unbelievable for something so small and powerful. The important thing to remember while attempting to unleash all that this beast has to offer is that this is not a toy or a go kart; this is a finely tuned accelerating dragon that can and will kill you if you don’t respect its power. The adjustable suspension, high output cooling system, heavy-duty brakes, and quicker steering ratio all help to make the T-Rex an urban thrill ride until the occasional traffic light stops your fun. And oh the looks you’ll get at those lights. So whether you are driving through Plano or you want to take this street eater to the track, you will most assuredly be the coolest guy there.

TRON Legacy Light Cycle So, let’s say you really want to impress every single person you drive past, but you don’t want to go the traditional route of buying a Ferrari or Lamborghini because that would be too subtle, too predictable. What can you buy that would have just the right amount of “I’m better than you could ever be?” The TRON Light Cycle by Parker Brothers Custom Choppers. It comes complete with aesthetic neon lighting, a fuel-injected Suzuki 996cc 4-stroke engine, and 6-speed transmission. But sadly Olivia Wilde is not included. Price: $55,000

GAMEREVIEW OF LUMINES By Ashly Anderson – www.almostnerdy.com

9.5 out of 10 VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

Console: PS Vita Rating: T Developers: Q Entertainment

Whenever a puzzle game is released onto the market, it inevitably faces an uphill battle. Do something too grandiose in scope, and the game could lose its “puzzle” feel. Do something too simple, and audiences will grow weary of doing the same thing in repetition. Enter Lumines. Part block-matching, part virtual DJ, the game caused a frenzy amongst puzzle enthusiasts as one of the first games released for the PlayStation Portable back in 2005. Simple mechanics and a phenomenal soundtrack allowed the game to go beyond its niche, captivating casual and hardcore gamers alike. Its sequel, Lumines: Electronic Symphony, takes a tested forumla and improves upon it in every way possible. The idea is simple: rotate a 2x2 cube to match up the colors with other cubes. As you frantically match up colors, a vertical line travels across the screen from left to right, elimi-

nating the cubes that you have matched up. Easy-going gamers will appreciate its simplicity, but the devil is in the details. Each “skin,” or level, is set to a techno beat, and that line that travels across the screen is in sync with the music. If the matching of blocks is timed to match the beat of the music, bonus points are earned. While the game mechanics are essentially unchanged, the addition of special powers for each of the game’s avatars can drastically alter the pace of a game. Playing with the starting avatar? Unleash the power to elimate all the blocks of the same color that are touching. These changes may seem small on paper, but they add an entirely new way to play the game and form various strategies. And in the world of possibilities and puzzles that Lumines: Electronic Symphony offers, there’s never a wrong way to play this magnificent title.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

Q How do you Q: know when a k blonde has been b making chocolate m cchip cookies? A: You find M&M A sshells all over the kitchen floor. Q: Why don’t Q blind men b skydive? s A: Because it scares A tthe sh!t out of the dog! d Q: What’s the Q llongest sentence known to man? k A: I do. A

MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

Obsessed Mothers and Their Children A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” the doctor observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He looks to the second mother, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He looks to the third mother. “Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.” At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says… “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving!”

BLITZ FUNNYS

The Three Drunk-eteers March 14, 2012 – The Dallas Morning News tells of a late night auto accident on North Central Expressway. When police arrived, and while they were arresting Sean Patrick Mackey, 24, on charges of drunk driving, Charles Jeffrey Bowers, 46, ran into the back of their patrol car, flashing lights and all, causing his arrest for drunk driving. Next, a short time later, Guillermo Licea Salinas, 26, ran over their traffic flares and safety cones …and was arrested for drunk driving.

A Kid With A Kid THESSALONIKI, Greece - The Associated Press, early March 2012, told of a 12-year-old girl, her 44-year-old aunt and her aunt’s parents, ages 65 and 71, who were all arrested. They were trying to sell the 12-year-old’s 10-week-old son, for the equivalent of $16,400. Wouldn’t Half Of A Condom Leak SAO PAULO – In March 2012 the Brazilian government reported, while attempting to reduce AIDS during the previous year, they’d given away onehalf-billion free condoms, costing their government (about) $19 million U.S. Adding, that meant on average two-andone-half condoms for each and every Brazilian citizen.

ARIES A March 21 – April 19 M Your birthday video will go viral on Y YouTube when your birthday cake Y jumps out of you.

CANCER C JJune 22 – July 22 You will learn the real definition of Y ttough love when your parents invite Cpl. Punishment to set you straight.

LLIBRA September 23 – October 22 S TThe entrepreneur inside of you urges yyou to open the first ever “meatsicle” stand at the AAC.

TTAURUS April 20 – May 20 A All seems to be going well in your A love life until you discover that your lo girl has a really large Adam’s apple (Google Ann Coulter).

LLEO JJuly 23 – August 22 FFriends and family will honor your last rrequest by burying you upside down so the world can kiss your ass.

SCORPIO S October 23 – November 21 O FFrustration and anger will overtake yyou this weekend when you decide that if you can’t have Lois Griffin, no man ever will.

GEMINI G May 21 – June 21 M Your friend James will continue Y tto o display skills and talents that make you seem quite ordinary in comparison.

VIRGO V August 23 – September 22 A Your value will plummet this week Y when the other inmates trade you for w fewer cigarettes than the week before.

SAGITTARIUS S November 22 – December 21 N TThe stars left a note saying they’re on sspring break. Suck it!

ACROSS: 1. Paper holder 5. Bicker 10. Coral barrier 14. Disabled 15. Showy flower 16. Ancient Peruvian 17. Restlessness 19. Fowl 20. Cry of disgust 21. Row of shrubs 22. Hard to pin down 23. False belief 25. Kingdom 27. Half of a pair 28. Norm 31. Creek 34. Look at with fixed eyes 35. Also 36. Lie in wait 37. Spot

38. Teller of untruths 39. Actress Lupino 40. Avowed 41. Condemn 42. Preference 44. Metric unit of area 45. Edge tool 46. An ardent early supporter 50. Defect 52. Four-wheeled toy cart 54. Be unwell 55. Savvy about 56. Controllable 58. A soft sheepskin leather 59. Give a speech 60. Smelting waste 61. Numerous 62. Donnybrook 63. Delicate

CAPRICORN C December 22 – January 19 D On Saturday you will discover that O sshe was indeed a fast machine, but she didn’t keep her motor clean and certainly wasn’t the best damn woman that you’ve ever seen…sober. AQUARIUS A 20 – February 18 JJanuary a Soooo…you’re the reason why Bear S Grylls was given the pink slip from the G Discovery Channel. PISCES P FFebruary 19 – March 20 You’ll receive lots of great deals while Y sshopping at Richardson Square Mall this weekend.

DOWN: 1. Precipice 2. Female demon 3. Drive forward 4. A leguminous plant 5. Each 6. Slender 7. Chime 8. Unsure 9. Center of a storm 10. Humorously vulgar 11. Puzzling 12. Beige 13. Disappear gradually 18. Express gratitude to 22. Windmill blade 24. Search 26. Acquire deservedly 28. Begin 29. Lion sound 30. Small boat 31. Radar signal

32. Boorish 33. Large long-armed ape 34. Ceramic ware 37. Booty 38. Dregs 40. Close 41. Pilotless plane 43. Settlement 44. Orbital high point 46. Marble 47. Small drum 48. Light purple 49. Mournful poem 50. A mold for setting concrete 51. Dwarf buffalo 53. A Freudian stage 56. Mother 57. American Sign Language

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MARCH 21 – 27,, 2012

THE CLOSER

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

LAST CALL WHY JOHN CARTER FLOPPED… By Joe Stumpo – www.darthstumpo.com

Salvator Doppel Bock Brewed by: Paulaner Brauerei GmbH & Co. KG ABV: 7.90% This beer pours a nice dark amber color with very little head and moderate lacing. The aroma is built upon potent alcohol esters (mild phenols) and fruit. Figs rush forth to greet you as well as baked apples and raisins. The taste is smooth and balanced with flavors of caramel, toffee and dark fruits. It’s medium bodied with good carbonation. Quality brew that won’t set you back too much! Santa Damiana Director Wrapper: Nicaragua Binder: Nicaragua Filler: Dominican republic Strength: Medium-Full Bodied The perfect gift for the introductory cigar smoker. No flaws in the wrapper with a nice triple cap seal. The filler is inconsistent which affects the construction and burn of this smoke. The Director starts out mild with an oak woodiness on the palate. It becomes harsher about halfway through. When there’s about two inches left there is a nice change in the aroma and taste as lighter notes come into play. Frisky Whisky Cocktail Ingredients: 1 oz. Bärenjäger Honey Liqueur 1 oz. Orange Juice 1/4 oz. Simple Syrup 2 Dashes Angostura Bitters Mixing Instructions: In a mixing glass, add first four ingredients. Top with ice. Add bitters, top with a Boston shaker tin. Shake vigorously for 30 seconds. Strain into a chilled martini glass. Serve.

could offer up plenty of reasons why animated The Adventures of Tintin, which Disney’s $250 million dollar Martian sci- was based on a popular comic series in fi desert spectacle John Carter will likely Europe but not in America. In the case of be listed as the number one box office John Carter, as was with Watchmen and flop of 2012. There is the film’s leading “Tintin” all three filmmakers wanted to be star Taylor Kitcsh in the title role, for the most faithful to the material. “I tried to be as faithful as I could, example, that begs the question, “Who’s he and what’s he been in?” Not everyone because I’m the biggest fan,” director has watched Kitsch’s football series Friday Stanton said in an article about John Night Lights (2006-2011), which ended its Carter in SciFiNow. “I think in the best NBC to cable run last year, least of all me. adaptations, you should be able to watch John Carter certainly had plenty of the film and not be able to sense what’s computer generated visual effects, creatures and set designs (hence the $250 million price tag) despite the fact the ships the humans (I guess I should call them Martians) flew in battle looked like giant prehistoric mechanical insects. The film made me wish there was actually such a creature as a “Woola”, a cute but ugly Martian rendition of a faithful pet dog with sharp teeth and a big mouth that runs just as fast as the Yorkie I got. The thing would be the perfect home security system for my house much like the black rescue panther the married couple adopts in that Geico commercial. I believe the number one Maybe it should have reason why John Carter, been called John Carter however, failed to connect of SARS the way people with audiences younger stayed away from the than myself (and NO I theater. don’t listen to the film critics many of whom have given Photo Courtesy: A. C. McClurg the movie mixed reviews) is because the story is based on a 100-year-old sci-fi series by Edgar changed. Most important of all is that it Rice Burroughs. I am willing to bet most carries the spirit of how you felt reading of them never heard or read those books. the book. Feeling, for me, is the huge My one fear if I had taken my five-year-old thing about adapting a book that must be nephew, Jake, to see John Carter would protected at all costs.” That’s the real disappointment behind have been, despite it being in the 3D Imax format, that within an hour he would the box office failures of Watchmen, The have asked me if he can go and play the Adventures of Tintin and John Carter arcade games in the lobby, which would because although I have never read them, I mean I’d have to go with him. That’s $30 am certain the printed adaptations are just bucks plus I’d have never seen again if that as good as the Harry Potter and Twilight books, if not better. happened. Even more depressing is the fact The ones I have found who liked John Carter are those my age who read audiences will only be able to identify John Burroughs’ series. There is already a fan Carter star Taylor Kitsch after seeing this driven petition set up called “Take me back summer’s Battleship, which is based on a to Barsoom! I want John Carter to have a Milton Bradley game and whose budget is sequel!” on Facebook that as of this writing reportedly at $200 million. If Battleship manages to gross twice its has 3,942 members. I don’t blame director Andrew Stanton price tag for distributor Universal Pictures, much the way I don’t blame directors Zack I’ll find that far more disturbing than the Snyder for the box office failures of his number of studio executives at Disney comic book superhero epic Watchmen whose heads will roll as a result of John (2009) and Steven Spielberg for last year’s Carter’s less than successful box office run.

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Name: Mark Peterson Know you know him: Owner of Southwest Superbikes who’s so cool that when you talk to him you need a jacket (zipped all the way up). Mark is everything that is right with the biker community. Mount up and learn something along the way. Why motorcycles? Because when I first got into the work force everyone told me that I couldn’t do it. So, that drove me harder to want to be involved with motorcycles all the time. What’s the coolest bike that you haven’t got you hands on yet? I keep a continuous bucket list of 10 bikes that I want and I’ve filled a few of them, which is scary [laughing]. But right now I would say a MotoGP bike with some history. The older the better. Who is your favorite bike hero? That’s tough because there are so many and so many that I now know like Kevin Schwantz and Malcolm Smith. All the iconic guys even Evel Knievel, who when I was ten years old I just wanted to be him. What’s your most awesome moment on two wheels? My last pass at Bonneville [Salt Flats] over 200 mph and no one thought we would do it on the class of bike that we were riding. That would be one of them, there have been many and I think that’s the reason that I have stayed in this business for as long as I have. Your favorite motorcycle movie On Any Sunday The coolest thing that you own I collect vintage race bikes and I gotta bunch of cool ones. I have a Concours tz750 Yamaha factory race bike that’s pretty tough to beat, but this bike right here [points to the awesome bike at the front of his office] is an ’82 RGB 500 2-stroke factory MotoGP bike and the chances of seeing another one of those in an average guys life is pretty slim. But I have other bikes that deserve credit because of their pedigree so, I’ll have to say my factory 2-stroke race bikes. Crappiest bike ever made China imports from 10 years back. 11th Commandment It’s not what you ride, it’s that you ride.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 28

MARCH 21 – 27, 2012

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