VOL. 3 - ISSUE 29
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Ohio man robs bank, is caught on city bus
PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam PHOTO EDITOR Darryl Briggs COVER Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield Photo by:Charlotte Bobcats STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors, Matt Pearce CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS David Alvarez, Yu-Ping Chen, Garrett Ellwood, Glenn Francis, John Hunter, Bill Smith, Manfred Warner, Kelly Williams, Dani_Vr, Eddie~S STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak and Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Hannah Allen, Raymond Bloomquist, Dennis Hambright, Andrew J. Hewett, Jack E. Jett, Gilbert Moses, Joe Stumpo CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com
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City opts not to name building after Harry Baals
Squirrel attacking residents of Vermont neighborhood
A Vermont neighborhood is being stalked by a renegade gray squirrel. Several people in Bennington say they’ve been attacked by a squirrel over the last few weeks. Kevin McDonald tells The Bennington Banner he was shoveling snow when the squirrel jumped onto him. He says he threw the animal off, but it twice jumped back onto him. A game warden says there have been other reports, too. One woman is being treated for exposure to rabies, but Vermont Public Health Veterinarian Robert Johnson says there’s never been a case of a squirrel passing rabies to a human. Johnson says it’s possible the squirrel was raised as a pet and lost its fear of humans. He says the squirrel might “go ballistic” when it encounters people it doesn’t recognize.
A new government building in Fort Wayne, Ind., may officially be called Citizens Square, but to some not-so-square citizens it will always be the Harry Baals (bawlz) Government Center. Fort Wayne Mayor Tom Henry announced the new city and county government center’s name Monday. The most popular choice for the building in an online poll was the “Harry Baals Government Center.” The second-place finisher was “Thunder Dome.” The former mayor pronounced his name “balls,” although his descendants pronounce their name “bales” (baylz). Fort Wayne officials previously said the city wouldn’t name the building after Baals because they were worried the name would be ridiculed. City spokesman Frank Suarez offered a different reason on Monday. He says the mayor didn’t want to name the building after a person.
Andrew J. Hewett
HEREDITY? ENVIRONMENT?
www.chewednews.com
In 1993, Dale Chester, 22, was sentenced to three years by a California court for raping his brother Rubin’s pregnant wife. Dale’s other brothers Leonard, 32, and Samuel, 29, were already serving long terms for violent rapes of five different women on separate offenses. Rubin, whose pregnant wife was raped, was serving time for robbery and assault. What kind of parents raised these dangerous men? Their father was a minister, their mother a Christian missionary. (Those who knew these violent men as boys said their parents were wonderful role models.)
ANOTHER RECORD
The official record for the heaviest person to have ever lived is John Brower Minnoch, of Bainbridge Island, Washington, whose body weight hovered around 1,400 pounds. Seldom able to stand for more than 30-seconds, Minnoch spent most of his time sitting on a couch naked, except for a blanket. With a 110-inch waist, no clothing was possible. And, as his health worsened, instead of calling for an ambulance, a fork-lift and open-bed truck were used for his trip to the hospital.
WRONG KIND OF MEAT
When the McDonald’s hamburger franchise first offered their “Big Mac” in Paris, it went out under the name Gros Mac. But it wasn’t long before several Parisians let them know gros mac in French meant “big pimp.”
QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Keep the faith, don’t lose your perseverance and always trust your gut extinct.” – Paula Abdul
Photo Courtesy: © Glenn Francis/www.PacificProDigital.com
BLITZ News Shorts 3 The Jett Stream/Movie Review 4 Music: Cancer Benefit Show 5 Stars/Mavs News 6-7 Vigilantes News 8 COVER STORY: 2011 NBA Dancers Q&A With Mavs Dancer Lauren 9 NBA Dance Squad Preview 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Tonya 12 Can This Job Be Saved? 13 Guide To Mother-In-Laws 13 I Must Be Superman 14 St. Patrick’s Day Recap 14 Blitz Toys 15 American Patriotism 15 I Hate My Job 16 Food Review: Nori Sushi 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Mad As A March ____ 22
Police in Ohio say a man robbed a bank and then tried to flee on board a public bus, where officers eventually caught up with him. Dayton police Sgt. Moe Perez tells The Dayton Daily News the suspect got away with cash from a downtown KeyBank branch at around 10 a.m. Wednesday. Police were told by witnesses that they saw the man catch a bus about two blocks away. Officers followed the route of the bus and pulled it over less than a mile away, near the campus of Sinclair Community College. Perez says the suspect was arrested without incident and the money was recovered. Police haven’t said how much was stolen.
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THE JETT STREAM: JERRY SPRINGER
[from Jett Streams, Wed. and Fri. 5-6 p.m., rationalbroadcasting.com] No matter how you slice it or dice it, Jerry Springer is a major pop-culture icon… An author, a daytime and prime time TV host, a political figure and a movie star, not to mention the focus of Jerry Springer, the Opera and a former host of Air America and America’s Got Talent. You know, I’ve been real lucky. I don’t have any particular talent at all and I’ve made my living in show business, so certainly I got lucky with that. And you know, I just get to do lots of things, and it enables me then, whether I’m doing my show [now in its 20th year] or [one like] America’s Got Talent… All of these opportunities permit me to devote time to what I really love, which is more political kinds of things. And that’s what I spend most of my time doing. Jerry the Lucky Bastard? Well, that’s totally it. I mean, no one would have chosen me out of high school and said, boy, that guy’s gonna make it in show biz. I’m totally lucky. Every job I’ve had except mayor was given to me. I didn’t go after any of these jobs. They were just literally handed to me, and it’s been nothing but a lucky life. Let’s talk about politics. What is wrong with this world and why don’t you fix it? Why don’t I fix it? I try to fix it as a citizen. But what is wrong… If you say the world, it’s basic inequality. Let’s say the United States in particular. I think we’ve developed into two societies. We’ve let it get out of control. You know, when you don’t have any rules,
by Jack E. Jett
“Jett Streams”
when there’s in a sense an anarchy of power, those that have will just get more and more and more, driving the middle class out of existence. So I’d say the major problem, obviously outside of poverty for those people who are in that category, the major problem for America is the loss of the middle class. Exactly… It makes me wonder, what in people’s minds [is] wrong with spreading the wealth? It’s a weird thing to me that so many people see that as a bad thing. It’s because it is interpreted as taking something from you to give to somebody else. That flies in the face of the notion we have that this is a free country and what makes the country go is that everybody works as hard as they can to get ahead and in the process the whole country improves. That’s the theory. In reality, there are always going to be people left behind. The definition of competition is that someone wins and someone loses. We oughta arrive at the point where there are certain guarantees, and beyond the guarantees, then let’s compete. Some of us have bigger houses, some bigger cars, whatever. But there oughta be some things that are not based on your ability to compete, or how rich your parents were or what kind of gift God gave you, maybe a great brain. Just by virtue of being a human being you oughta be able to eat, you oughta be able to have medical care, you oughta be able to get an education. That’s a fair starting line. [Then] you can turn to any child in America and say that no matter how successful your parents were, how good or bad your parents were, you’re still going to get a chance to make it here in America.
Gilbert Moses - gilbertmoses.wordpress.com
Unknown
Fade in. The camera trails a mysterious man going about his daily routine until – BANG! A terrible accident has occurred. The man is rushed to the hospital to have his wounds tended to but by the time they arrive he has already fallen into a coma. Days later he awakes. Then the unthinkable is revealed… he has no recollection of who he is. End scene. Sound familiar? That’s probably because you have read a novel or seen a movie using a very similar plot at least once in your life already. Unknown opens much like the scene described above. Dr. Martin Harris (Liam Neeson) and his wife Gina (Diane Kruger) arrive in Berlin for a biotechnology conference. Once they reach their hotel, Martin realizes he has left something very important behind at the airport and hails a cab to retrieve it. On the way to the airport, the driver swerves to avoid hitting debris in the road and ends up crashing into a lake. The driver barely escapes with her life, and Dr. Harris is rushed to the hospital. He awakens four days later in a panic. He can remember the major details of his life, but he cannot recall why he is in Berlin. Fortunately, a television broadcast jars his memory and reminds him of the conference he is supposed to be speaking at, so he rushes to the hotel to reunite with his wife. Much
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to his dismay, his wife denies ever knowing him and is with another man who claims to be the real Martin Harris. From that point on, the film uses a mixture of high octane action and mystery to keep you guessing about who Martin Harris really is. Liam Neeson does not disappoint and gives you exactly what you’ve come to expect from him: a heavy foreign accent, lots of action, and a convincing portrayal of a tough guy kicking bad guy tail. The film is packed with thrilling chase scenes, hand-tohand combat and explosions that will keep you on the edge of your seat for most of this movie’s two-hour runtime. About halfway through the film, most viewers will probably be guessing the solution to the question: who is Martin Harris? And most will probably guess correctly. That’s not a knock on the writers of the film or the director; it’s just not a very hard plot to figure out. Don’t get me wrong, this movie was enjoyable; it just wasn’t very original, which is what will keep me from recommending that you rush out to see it. You will definitely want to see it at some point, like when you are craving a semi-predictable, action-packed suspense flick, but I wouldn’t recommend it over some of the other options in theaters right now.
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Wed 3/23
Dallas Comedy Festival Dallas Comedy House – Dallas For this night, featured comedy acts will be Coolin Hanks, Crepes of Wrath and Buddies! Season 3 Premier. What does all this add up to? Come and find out.
Thur 3/24
The Crowd You’re In With Cox Building Playhouse – Plano A play by Rebecca Gilman about whether or not to start a family. Three couples and a single friend discusss the pros and cons. Visit roverdreamworks.com for more info.
by Hannah Allen
Fri 3/25
Todd Snider Granada Theater – Dallas The biggest names in Americana, Kris Kristofferson and Jerry Jeff Walker, rave about this folk rocker from Nashville. With Great American Taxi. Good times.
Sat 3/26
Arlo Guthrie House of Blues – Dallas With the Journey on Tour, the legendary performer sings straight from the heart and his phrasing is always a wonder. No one goes down easier than Arlo—it’s in the genes.
Sun 3/27 MUSIC: LBG Benefit Show 1. Full Moon Rise
Gods of Industry
2. Warm Grave
Gods of Industry
3. Alice
Gods of Industry
4. Flick Your Bic
Mic City
5. The Fool
Mic City
6. 3550
Mic City
7. Wisconsin
Gravity Feed
8. Fishstix
Gravity Feed
9. The Train
Gravity Feed
10. Legit
Gravity Feed
The Little Foxes by Lillian Hellman Dupree Theater – Irving As produced by the Irving Community Theater this classic proves that there’s nothing new in greed and chicanery. Billed as “a great game of betrayal, theft and revenge.”
Mon 3/28
bands loaded with people that Mikol and his wife had grown up with, Mikol reached out to the tremendously funky Dallas up-andcomers Gravity Feed. “I went to college with their guitar player; they’re a great band.” Gravity Feed is headlining what will undoubtedly be a tremendous bill. The other acts performing are Blackstone Rangers, a newer trio that is attracting some interest, especially in the East Dallas/Lakewood hipster crowd. They recently performed to a packed Bryant Street Tavern amid anesthetizing projections and vivid but almost ambient loops and vocals. The True Achiever, a self-proclaimed “pseudo-literate” pop band will be the second act to take the stage. Gods of Industry, a straightforward rock power trio who boast special guests, original hip-hop compositions and the occasional but unorthodox cover tune will precede Mic City, the loud and romantically punk but still relevant band Mikol Gaither fronts. The always awesome Lakewood Bar and Grill agreed to the benefit and everyone started spreading the word. One might get the impression that this has all the makings of a high school reunion but the basis of the evening is that there are many of us all over this city, perhaps some who are reading this article, who have been affected by cancer on many levels and may want to help in this way. With the wide variety of music, there promises to be something for everyone. Incidentally, all of these bands are easy to preview on Facebook and would enjoy a “like” from you. The Cancer Benefit is scheduled for April 16th at Lakewood Bar and Grill. All of your $5 cover charge will be donated to the American Cancer Society. “We were told that if we had a big enough turnout,” Mikol told me Sunday, “they would donate a portion of the bar sales as well.” Doors open at 8pm and Blackstone Rangers take the stage at 9pm.
Mummies – Secrets of the Pharaohs Dallas Museum of Art and Culture – Dallas Be at the IMAX Theater at Fair Park at 4:30 p.m. prepared to do penance for your excesses over the weekend. Could there be a better time to learn about mummies?
Tues 3/29
Our story begins in the late 90s as a group of Desoto High School kids begin to focus more seriously on their musical skills. For those of you who don’t know the Metroplex well, Desoto is a suburb south of town—still within county lines, so it’s not quite “the sticks.” By 2002 everyone graduates and is enrolling in college, playing in bands together and pursuing professional goals. The inevitable “Behind the Music” tragedies force rifts and splits in the various groups but every couple of months all these same people are getting together at someone’s parents’ house and it’s like no time has passed. Fast-forward to 2011 and you’ll find the same thing still happening. It seems fairly unusual for friendships that have spread out in all directions of the city and surrounding areas to be picked up where they left off so easily but people have been managing it for years. Last fall, Mikol Gaither’s father-in-law passed away during a battle with colon cancer. Mikol and his wife, Natalie (both Desoto alumni), were devastated and mourned well into the Holiday Season. One evening around Christmas of last year, the couple was having dinner in their Duncanville home and listening to music Natalie’s late father had recorded previous to his passing. She said, “It came to mind [then] that we should have a tribute show in his honor… Then we started to feel that it would be a little selfish to focus on just ONE person who suffered from cancer when there are so many who suffer or have suffered.” With this idea in mind they set out to put together something kind of amazing. Mikol plays in the reclusive powerhouse punk act called Mic City and volunteered to play the benefit first. Together, he and his wife began contacting friends from high school with whom they still speak regularly and who still play music around town. After lining up a popular venue and three other
Greg Lindsay Irving Convention Center – Irving Take a long lunch and catch this lecture by a co-author of Aerotropolis: The Way We’ll Live Next, which invokes a future where cities will be built around airports. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com
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STARS News
by Tony Barone
“Senior Sports Authority”
Home Invasion The Dallas Stars were brilliant on a recent Ryane Clowe scored the tiebreaker in the four-game road trip, going 3-1 and scoring opening two minutes of the final period, and points in all four games. Returning home for the Sharks rallied from a two-goal deficit for a seven-game home stretch gave Stars fans a 6-3 victory over the Stars. a chance to see their ice heroes pad their Stars winger Loui Eriksson, the team’s fourth-place No. 3 scorer with playoff spot. 23 goals, went to With one game the locker room remaining on the with an upperhome stand, and body injury from before heading an open-ice hit out on a seasonby San Jose’s long five-game Douglas Murray road trip which and did not reincludes games turn. with all the Pa Dallas coach cific Division Marc Crawford teams, the Stars felt the Murray are 2-4 and have hit was border amassed only six line. “I think points, including that’s one that points from two (the league) will shootout losses. review and I’m More imporsure that they tantly, they have will,” Crawford dropped from said. “We’re fourth place to hopeful that sixth place in the Loui’s going Western Conferto be all right. ence playoffs, He’s not feeling and are only two very good right points ahead now and we’ll of the ninth see where he’s place Anaheim at tomorrow. It’s Ducks. If this always the next team doesn’t gut day that you got out some wins to look to. The on the upcomleague has said ing road trip, it that you want to could be early tee times for this group of take those hits out of the game, but it ends young guys who have played so well all sea- up being something we can’t control and it’s son and deserve a chance to show their stuff out of our hands now.” in the playoffs. Kari Lehtonen recovered from the Michal Handzus scored the tiebreaking thrashing against San Jose to turn in one of goal with 20.8 seconds remaining and the his best performances of the season as he Los Angeles Kings stretched their winning made 23 saves for his 16th NHL shutout, streak to three with a 3-2 victory over the and the Stars beat the Chicago Blackhawks Dallas Stars. 5-0. Steve Ott, Brenden Morrow, Jason Wil Jamie Langenbrunner had tied it at 2 for liams and Brandon Segal added goals for Dallas with 43 seconds left when he poked Dallas, which ended a two-game losing skid. a loose puck through the pads of Jonathan The Stars hosted the Eastern Conference Quick, who lost sight of the puck in the leading Philadelphia Flyers to end the week crease after stopping Alex Goligoski’s at- and Ville Leino scored in the sixth round of tempt. the shootout to give the Flyers a 3-2 victory. “We tied it up, but they kept coming,” Dallas rallied from a two-goal deficit to tie it Stars defenseman Stephane Robidas said. in the third period when Stephane Robidas “Every game now is close, part of the reality skated into the Flyers zone and scored with a of the NHL. It’s a playoff race, we’re fight- slap shot from the slot. ing for points, and every team is desperate.” “Robie didn’t get much of a chance but The Stars were 3-0-1 the seas parted and he had in the first four meetings Upcoming Schedule: a chance to unleash his with the San Jose Sharks shot, and it was a great 7:30pm shot. He found a hole,” this season, and all four 3/23 vs Ducks 7:00pm Stars coach Marc Crawgames were one-goal 3/26 @ Predators games. But this time, Joe 3/29 @ Coyotes 9:00pm ford said. Pavelski had four assists,
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MAVS News
by Geoff Case
Crossword Solution
“NBA Analyst”
Dropping the ball The Mavs have dropped five body like Memof their last nine overall. For phis,” Terry said. a team that for much of the “I mean, that’s a season seemed destined to team you’re supfinish second in the West, posed to beat. trailing the Spurs, Dallas is Hey, this one now only a few games up here, we wanton fourth-place Oklahoma ed to win it. It City. didn’t happen The loss to San Antonio for us and we’ve on Friday night continued a got to stay posidisturbing trend for the Mavtive and we’ve ericks dating back a couple got to find our of months. Dallas hasn’t rhythm back. beaten a team currently in We have to have the Western Conference top a rhythm to how eight since January. That has we play. That’s to take its toll on the team’s when we’re at overall confidence-level. our best, and ob “Obviously we’re not viously it’s not playing the way we did earthere for whatlier on this season at this ever reason.” point right now,” Dallas guard Jason Terry said. “The Slow starts? good thing, the positive For two conthing is we still have time to secutive games, get things corrected.” Those Dallas found corrections must concenitself down big trate on not turning the ball early. The Mavs over, which has become a have rallied on major problem in these last both games, but few games. The Mavs are it finally bit them not a high-turnover team Friday night at if you look at the season as home against a whole. Averaging 13.7 a the Spurs. These game, they rank ninth in the NBA in fewest games haven’t been as prevalent as they turnovers per game. In the last few games were a year ago but it could be a sign that against contenders (Lakers, Blazers, Spurs) this team is beginning to wear down and the they tallied a whopping 47 turnovers. The age of this roster is a cause for concern. Mavs are starting to play some sloppy bas- Rick Carlisle thinks that it might have ketball and the coach thinks he might have something to do with effort on his players’ the cure to what ails them. “We have work behalf. “I’ve been talking to you guys a to do, we know that,” Carlisle said. “We’ve lot about the importance of good starts and got a critical week coming up because we how they carry over, and we needed a better have some spacing. We have an opportunity start,” the Mavs coach said. “We were havfor two quality practice days and we have to ing trouble finishing plays. We scrambled all shore some things up and get some detailed night long. [Spurs game.] There were three work in. It’s been a while since we’ve been or four plays in the first four or five minutes able to have a good practice because of the where we had a chance to secure a rebound frequency of games. Right now this stretch or finish off a play and they just came in and of games is very tough, the travel, a lot of knocked it away, or we had one hand on it different kinds of teams, it’s going to chal- and then somehow we would lose it out of lenge us in a lot of different ways and that’s bounds or something like that. good for us right now… We’ve got to win as “Those are the types of plays that come many as we can.” back to haunt you because they are oppor That lack of success against playoff-cal- tunities that you miss to go down and score iber squads can’t be considered a good sign and set up the defense. That was frustratwith less than a month to ing.” go in the regular season. The Mavericks will The Mavs have dropped Upcoming Schedule: need to focus in and corsix in a row against West 3/24 vs Timberwolves 7:30pm rect all these little missquads that will likely be takes to make a solid run 3/26 @ Jazz 8:00pm leading into the playoffs. in the postseason. 9:30pm “It’s just disheartening 3/27 @ Suns when you lose to some-
NBA: Magic vs. Knicks
Wed. March 23 – 7:00PM – Madison Square Garden – ESPN
Dwight Howard and Amare Stoudemire lead their respective teams in points and rebounds—a match-up worth watching. The Magic are tinkering with their offense while the Knicks are still trying to work together as a cohesive unit. Newcomers Melo and Billups might be the difference-makers.
NCAA: (5)Arizona vs. (1)Duke Thur. March 24 – 8:45PM – Honda Center – CBS
Arizona won a squeaker against Texas on Sunday and Duke edged out Michigan to put both teams in the Sweet Sixteen. Close to a home-game atmosphere for Arizona but they are going up against a really good Duke team and possibly the best coach in college basketball.
NCAA: (4)Kentucky vs. (1)Ohio St. Fri. March 25 – 8:45PM – Prudential Center – CBS
The Buckeyes have slaughtered their first two opponents in the tournament and the Wildcats were almost upset by Princeton in their first game. The Buckeyes will rely on Jared Sullinger and the Wildcats rest their fate in the hands of freshman Brandon Knight.
NHL: Stars vs. Predators
Sat. March 26 – 7:00PM – Bridgestone Arena – KTXA 21
March is the Playoffs is the new slogan for the Stars. In this campaign the team has to get healthy, get in synch, and start winning games—or there won’t by any playoffs for them. Right now they are on the outside looking in. A win over the Predators does two things: creates confidence and puts the team back in the playoff picture. Go, Stars—Go!
STARS
MAVS
8 by Raymond Bloomquist
Vigilantes News
“Arena Football Fanatic”
ANOTHER FOE BITES THE DUST For the first time in the brief history of the organization, the Dallas Vigilantes find themselves at 2-0 on the season and riding a winning streak. The Vigilantes dusted off the Tulsa Talons, 64-40, on Saturday before 7,177 fans at the American Airlines Center. The win also gives the Vigilantes a 2-0 Central Division record heading into their early-season bye week. One of only four 2-0 teams in the AFL, Dallas used a strong second half, in which it outscored Tulsa 29-7 in the final 30 minutes of play, to seize control of the game. The Vigilantes held a tenuous 35-33 advantage at halftime with Tulsa receiving the football to start the second half. However, the Dallas defense stymied the Talons’ offense coming out of the locker room, forcing them to turn the ball over on downs. Dallas then put together a 32-yard scoring drive, capped off by a 14-yard touchdown pass from Daniel Raudabaugh to receiver Matt Fields that pushed the Dallas lead to 42-33, a lead which was never again in doubt. “I was proud of our guys for coming out and playing the way they did in the second half,” said Dallas head coach Clint Dolezel. “In the first half we just weren’t playing well together. When everyone does their job, as you saw in the second half, things can go well for us.” The Raudabaugh-to-Fields connection was key throughout the game, as the two hooked up for four touchdown passes. Raudabaugh finished the game 21-of-38 for 297 yards and eight touchdowns. Fields, who caught half of those eight touchdown passes, finished with six catches for 123 yards, marking a career game for the Flower
Mound native. “As far as the game goes, we are a lot happier now than we were after last week’s win,” Fields said. “We left a couple of points on the board, but we’ll correct those mistakes as the season goes along. The
defense played great and Coach Dolezel is an offensive genius. He definitely could tell how they were playing us, and he made the right adjustments.” In addition to outscoring the Talons 29-7 in the second half, Dallas had a huge 297155 yard advantage in passing offense, including sacking former Oklahoma State quarterback Bobby Reid four times. The final sack resulted in a safety by newly-signed Vigilante and former Tulsa linebacker Steve Watson. “The key for our defense today was that everyone did their job,” Watson said. “We were on fire as the game went on, but we can always get better. We hold ourselves to a very high standard.” Watson and the Vigilantes look to improve on their league-best record when they next take the field on Thursday, March 31 at Utah. Before then the Vigilantes will enjoy a bye week. Following the Utah game, Dallas will travel to Atlanta for a Friday, April 6 match-up against the Georgia Force. That game will be televised nationally on the AFL Network, marking the franchise’s first-ever appearance on the AFL National Game of the Week.
Photos Courtesy: Kelly Williams
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Where are you from and how long have you been a Mavs Dancer? I am originally from Dallas but I have lived all over the United States. I spent the most time in Santa Barbara, California. After graduating high school in California I moved to Kilgore, Texas where I was a Kilgore College Rangerette. This is my first year as a Dallas Mavericks Dancer and I absolutely love it and I am so thankful that I have been given this opportunity. Favorite thing about being a Mavs Dancer? Why did you join? My favorite thing about being a Mavs Dancer is going out on the court and entertaining the crowd. I started dancing when I was three years old, and it has been my passion ever since. Being able to continue dancing and performing, especially in a professional environment, has been truly rewarding. I joined the Mavs Dancers to become more involved in the Dallas community and to continue dancing. Most memorable event or game? I have two most memorable moments. The first would have to be my very first game. I had no clue what to expect but as soon as I got out on the floor for intros it was the most amazing feeling ever. There are really no words to describe how amazing it felt to be announced as a Dallas Mavericks Dancer! My other most memorable moment was definitely Army night. The whole night was dedicated to the service men and women and it was so special to be a part of it. The soldiers were flown in for the game and got to sit court-side for a great win against the Utah Jazz. After the game the soldiers got to hang around and all of the players, coaches, ManiAACs and dancers came out and we signed posters, took pictures and just got the opportunity to thank them for all of their hard work to protect us. How much time and preparation does it take to be a Mavs Dancer? Being a Mavs Dancer takes more preparation than you would think. You have to make sure you are in shape and presentable all the time, which means hair, makeup and tanning. You also have to be in the best shape for your body. Since we have practices at Elevation Fitness we all take advantage of the gym and work out there as often as possible. On top of all of that we still have practices three times a week, games up to three times a week, plus appearances. Mavs really does feel like a full-time job, but we make the effort to be available for every appearance because it is what we love to do. Do you work with any charities or organizations that our readers can contribute to? The Mavs Foundation is a great charity to assist young people through programs stressing education, good health and skills necessary for their future success. Also my former college dance team, the Kilgore College Rangerettes, is an amazing organization to donate to.
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Photos Courtesy: Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls - Bill Smith, Dallas Mavericks - Kelly Williams, Denver Nuggets - Garrett Ellwood, Detroit Pistons, Miami Heat – David Alvarez, New Orleans Hornets
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Guide to
Book Editor Dear BLITZbudsman:
I work for an “old line New York Publisher.” According to marketing studies, for decades now the books I admire have had “little appeal to women” or “run counter to trends in popular taste.” Even so, my honest opinion is valued. Marketability is for Sales to decide. Recently, in an unguarded moment, our Editor-in-Chief let drop something I’ve always suspected but could never quite bring myself to believe. My importance to the company is to discourage good writers. Because I’m on the job, the company can’t be faulted for ignoring challenging, artistic books, though by intention that is exactly what we are doing. So it is that over time mass entertainments have achieved literary cachet, as if they represent the best American writers can do. Meanwhile, the books I’m forced to reject have become more and more important, by which I mean timely, challenging and worthy not only to be published but to be collected and taught. Our system of education and our sense of what is available to culture our minds is thus affected by my impotence. Agents known to me and acquisition editors from other houses are in the same boat. Company policies and projections become general knowledge almost instantly in this business. I am not writing to ask whether or not my job ought to be saved. I’m being paid to have my opinion ignored and fully realize that the only way I’ll make myself more valuable to this house is to go against my best judgment in all cases and further complete the dismantling of our literature in favor of the mass entertainments we call trash. I’m not in the market for advice on the best way to commit suicide, which I’ve noticed you dispense rather freely, but I am frankly curious to know which side of the argument you’re on and if you’ve got any outside-the-box ideas about how someone in my position could make a difference. As it is, I’m a gatekeeper without a gate, a standard-bearer without standards. – Nothing more to say
Mother-in-Laws
Dear Nothing:
Strange that you mention suicide. While reading your jeremiad I saw a pudgy, balding individual – it must have been you – beginning a long downward plunge from a high New York office building. Your self-defenestration had caused huge pieces of thick glass to fall beside you, while an intact pair of reading glasses still dangled from a cord around your neck. Despite the clarity of this image, common sense prevailed and I realized that you must spend your days in a windowless cubicle while you pore over the brilliant manuscripts you are about to doom. A still more likely scenario has you leaving work early with your old leather valise—better still, a large book-bag—bulging with manuscripts that are about to be soiled by your admiration in the wee hours. There in your cluttered apartment they will be smudged by your thumbs, marked by minute evidence of the whiskey you were drinking when you laughed or the tears you shed that helped you turn the pages. Thanks to your self-pity, I now have some idea of the fate of the many thousands of manuscripts my brilliant friends and I have been sending to New York for years. It isn’t much, but it is some consolation at least to know that the death of everything we wanted our lives to mean was able to make you miserable. Still, after all your hard work for the abortion mill you call a publishing house, you are in no position to complain about the death of literature. Unbeknownst to you, in the shadows lovers of literature are working away as they did in past Dark Ages, happy to share the important texts they find and preserve them. The trash you produce will have the ultimate effect of increasing the impatience of those who want their lives to mean something. Just like the Soviet society that recently went down in flames out of hunger for truth, our own decadent days are numbered with so many people hungry for meaning.
Write to the BLITZbudsman at blitzbudsman@blitzweekly.com
by Jesse Whitman
“A Woman’s Perspective”
No matter what kind of neuroses or compulsive and obsessive behavior you must endure by your motherin-law, these famous words always apply—“but she means well.” It is amazing how many good intentions somehow justify their many insane antics. Motherhood is a hard job, and with all of the chaos in the world I can understand how mothers become so neurotic. Still, every kind of mother has her own distinct neuroses, depending on her cultural background and it’s hard to say which one is worse. Here are a few who will surely drive you crazy with all of their “good intentions.” The Jewish Mother - The Jewish mother takes micro-managing to the next level. Be prepared for constant nagging, complaining, and constant questioning about the most mundane things. (What time did you take a shower? How long was the drive? When did you wake up this morning? Are you getting enough fiber in your diet? Are you smoking again? Lung cancer, it scares me to death! You need to quit! Oy vey! Etc., etc.) This will all happen over the course of the day via phone calls, text messages, emails, Facebook and Twitter posts, and the daily drop by. Comedian Gary Shandling said it best when he said that he believed there was nothing wrong with two women adopting a kid just as long as they’re both not Jewish. One Jewish mother is hard enough to survive, but two? Oy vey! The Korean Mother - Korean mothers are like chihuahuas. They are very cute and cuddly one minute and super hyper the next, jumping all over you and acting like a maniac. And similar to the Jewish mother, they also are obsessed with how much and what you are eating. You will be stuffing your face with food and they still will bark commands at you to eat. And if the chihuahua is really on edge—which is a given if you are out eating dinner—she will take portions of food off her plate and put it onto yours while disregarding your profuse refusals. If you’re lucky, your significant other will be able to calm down the chihuahua and perhaps put her on a leash if she gets too out of control. But in the long run it might be better to just grin and bear it since chihuahuas will eventually calm down and be cute and cuddly again. The Cuban Mother - Beware of the choco-flan that the Cuban mother will either have waiting for you on the dinner table or as the mobile choco-flan that will be violating various Tupperware containers. The choco-flan may seem like a tasty treat to the person not familiar with Cuban mothers, but be warned: it is a really awful combination of packaged pudding mix and cake from a box that is disguised as a homemade signature dessert. You will have to eat this mess at some point, so don’t try and fight it. The Italian Mother - Their universe revolves around the beloved and revered tomato sauce. The recipe has been passed down from mother-in-law to mother-in-law but if you think you can master that sauce when she finally gives you the recipe, she will be the first one to shame your tomato sauce in front of the entire family. And girlfriends be warned… Italian men are often looking for someone to replace their mother, who turned them into a coddled mama’s boy. The WASPy Mother - You better show up in your best starched Polo shirt and have your Sunday church manners (yes ma’am, no ma’am, absolutely no cursing). This would also not be the best time to relive the story of that time you went binge drinking and woke up on an air mattress in the middle of a retention pond, which is now being broadcast all over YouTube. The WASPy mother-in-law might start out with a frozen, tight-lipped smile, but keep the martinis coming because this closet alcoholic will surely loosen up after a few drinks. The Baby Mama In-Law - There is always some drama with this one—I’m getting evicted from my trailer/I ran out of my food stamps/my ex-baby daddy is in jail for violating his probation—so be ready to get an earful and have a twenty on hand because if you don’t offer it they will surely ask for it.
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I Must Be Superman I was raised to believe that Real Men plant their feet and hold their ground and scratch and bite and kick and fight until it’s over… win, lose or draw, you’re in it until it’s done. But sometimes, when I see what’s going on these days, it almost makes me want to wave a white flag in frustration, and snap a nun on the rear end with a soaking wet dish towel, and throw Dsize batteries through plate glass windows in abandoned buildings. Just like today. The headline said: White House Holds Anti-Bullying Summit. What? The world is in utter turmoil, and we need a political summit to deal with bullies? If that’s the case, we might as well throw in the towel…the fat lady is singing…the devil has ice cubes falling out of his butt…it’s done. I headed over to the Waffle House, the last true bastion for Real Man thinking, to give it some serious thought. I took great pains in choosing just the right location…as close to the other side of the tracks as possible. A few blocks in one direction and I’d be in gang territory and risk a drive-by shooting. A few blocks the other way and snaggletoothed hillbillies might twist my right ear and demand I squeal like a pig. It was perfect: my own Switzerland of hi-calorie, hicarb breakfast treats and grease-fried bacon sure to repel any metro-sexual within twenty miles. Clear-headed, I came to a startling conclusion; I must be the descendant of superheroes. No doubt about it, somewhere in my family lineage I’ve got relatives who were faster than speeding bullets, more powerful than locomotives, and could leap buildings
dennishambright.com
by Dennis Hambright
in a single bound. Otherwise, how could I possibly have survived my childhood? Now, if I could just find my cape… When I was a kid I rode my bike without a helmet, ate fried bologna sandwiches on white bread, dunked my cookies in whole milk, did homework without a computer, survived with only four TV channels, got spanked when I acted up, and knew how to deal with bullies at school. And not once did I hear my parents say they needed the government to tell them how to raise me. (Hmmm…maybe they hid their capes in the closet?) I could run to the end of the block without having to suck on an inhaler, and chunk rocks without hurting my shoulder, because I played like kids are supposed to play, and did not sit on my fat rear end with a bowl of Cheetos, and exercise with a video game. Sometimes…hold on to your hats…we played outside past dark, and weren’t terrified that pedophiles lurked in the bushes waiting to steal us away. And why? Because creeps were the ones who were afraid. They were afraid that our dads or uncles or big brothers or neighborhood men would kick their a$$es, that’s why. Sure, we had bullies too, but we dealt with them, and it wasn’t political summits and conversations that got it done. Yeah, it might be a little rough around the edges by today’s standards, but teaching kids to skin a few noses worked then, and it’ll work now. Bullies will only be bullies as long as they’re allowed to get away with it, and sometimes tattling to the teacher just doesn’t get it done. Aren’t the kind of men we want to grow up and call the shots one day, after all, men who will stand their ground and stand up for what’s right?…and skin a few noses when noses need to be skinned?
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Logitech Z906 Speaker System
Whether you’re outfitting your small apartment, dorm room, or game room, the Logitech Z906 Speaker System can provide you with theaterquality sound — on a budget. Boasting THX certification and 500 Watts of RMS power, the Z906 includes five wall-mountable satellite speakers, a ported, side-firing subwoofer, an easy-to-read console with digital and analog inputs as well as DTS and Dolby Digital 5.1 decoding, and the obligatory remote control. (Price - $400)
Glenlivet 70-YearOld Whiskey Bike 6-Pack Holder
Okay, so maybe it’s actually designed to hold bike polo mallets — but that doesn’t mean the Bike 6-Pack Holder isn’t great for holding a sudsy surprise. This leather frame cinch adjusts to secure just about anything to your bike’s top tube, making it perfect for carrying a little liquid refreshment. Just remember to let your cargo settle before opening, unless you like beer showers. (Price - $22)
There’s aged whiskey, and then there’s the Glenlivet 70-Year-Old Whiskey. The second release in Gordon & MacPhail’s Generations range, this rare spirit was distilled on February 3, 1940, and comes in a gorgeous tear-shaped, hand-blown crystal decanter, with a silver stopper and base, and a handmade box crafted from Scottish Elm. If you want some, you’d best hurry — only 100 bottles were made. (Price - £13,000; roughly $21,000)
by Joe Stumpo
“It’s not a great movie, but it is a thriller ride, (a) fairly realistic depiction of Marines, and very rough—even the camera movement is unsettling and not a carefully crafted Hollywood story... it’s ANTI-AVATAR to the bone, and if it had subtitles it would say ‘F.U. James Cameron!’” That was an email I received from a friend of mine Sunday night after he saw Battle: Los Angeles. Until reading that, I wasn’t sure after seeing all the negative reviews from film critics bashing the $100-million-plusbudgeted alien invasion movie if I should go to a before-noon showing Monday where the price of admission would be five bucks or go after noon and pay the seven-fifty. I chose the before-noon showing but even after seeing Battle: L.A., I probably wouldn’t have been too upset if I had paid the additional two-fifty. The reason had to do with other comments from my friend in a brief second paragraph: “Marines are great heroes,” he wrote. “Americans are caring people, and aliens are not giant peace-loving Smurfs but rather a predatory species looking for natural resources...It’s the kind of movie that makes you ask...Shouldn’t we have more arms for our troops?” My friend is not a fan of Avatar (2009). Neither, for that matter, am I. Now that
I have seen Battle: Los Angeles, which grossed $36 million opening weekend, I can verify his comment that it is “ANTIAVATAR to the bone.” Unlike Avatar which was nothing more than a “I hate America – America is evil – America is responsible for 9/11 – America plunders other countries, in this case planets, of precious resources –
Marines are gun-toting mercenaries for hire” blockbuster, Battle: LA is the kind of movie John Wayne probably would have starred in just because it shows our nation’s armed forces performing the kinds of everyday heroics they continue to display on a daily basis overseas. At one point in the film, a soldier compliments Staff Sgt. Michael Nantz (Aaron Eckhart) for his “John Wayne” heroics in taking out one of the alien ships. Then someone asks, “Who’s John Wayne?” Perhaps the real question should not be “Who?” but “Where’s John Wayne?” when
www.darthstumpo.com
it comes to the lack of positive war movies where it’s American forces who are the heroes and not the enemy. I still have not seen Wayne’s Vietnam war movie The Green Berets (1968) but what I do know is “The Duke” liked to portray his characters as heroes, even if they died in battle, which he did portraying Davy Crockett in The Alamo (1960). Sure I was happy when Kathryn Bigelow won the best director Oscar last year. When I heard her dedicate her win to the men and women serving overseas, however, I found it a little hypocritical since The Hurt Locker is anything but positive when it comes to the Iraq war. I just don’t believe one can say they are for the nation’s military and then bash the mission they have been sent to carry out. That’s what makes Battle: Los Angeles such a refreshingly welcome change. No, it’s not going to receive any Oscar nominations but it’s certainly not bad enough to receive any Razzies either. Whether director Jonathan Liebesman and screenwriter Christopher Bertolini had the intention or not when they made Battle: Los Angeles, the film offers two things: American patriotism and respect for our nation’s military, both of which are sorely lacking in a lot of today’s movies.
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I HATE MY JOB by Gilbert Moses
gilbertmoses.wordpress.com
“I hate my job. I am only here for the paycheck. I should have done [insert your passion here] for a living.” According to recent job satisfaction surveys, if you have said or thought a variation of one of the preceding statements, you are among the other 55 percent of Americans are unsatisfied with their work. This statistic is troubling, especially for those not among the disgustingly happy 45 percent of Americans who are actually happy with their work (Yes, I resent you. Deal with it.) However, there are blue skies ahead; the economy seems to be making a comeback, companies are starting to hire again, and now may be a good time to start thinking about a career change. Before you can begin trying to join the mythical 45 percent (I am very skeptical that this number is that high since everyone I know hates his/her job) there are some very important questions you must ask yourself. 1. Why am I unhappy with what I am currently doing? According to the same survey mentioned above only 46 percent of all Americans like their co-workers and only 51 percent are satisfied with their managers. These statistics will help you figure out if you really dislike your work or if you just hate the person sitting next to you who pops his gum obnoxiously and keeps his phone on vibrate for text messages. 2. What would I rather be doing? If you’re unsure, the place to start is your hobbies. You’re already doing this work without compensation because you enjoy it. Many people have made a career out of what they enjoy doing. A quick Google search for “Careers in [insert your hobby]” or “Make money doing [insert your hobby]” may yield surprising results. I am in no way telling you to quit your job to professionally watch NASCAR or to look to get compensation for your work as the commissioner of your fantasy football league, but figuring out what you actually enjoy doing is an important step in finding a rewarding career. 3. Why do I believe I will enjoy [insert answer to #2] more than I enjoy [insert answer to #1]? Skipping this question can lead you into a career that you hate as much as you do your current one. If you decide your job as a waiter is the cause of your misery and you choose to go into retail without realizing the reason that you hate waiting tables is that you hate providing customer service you may be in trouble. What is it about your dream career you think you will enjoy more than your current one? If the answer to that question is not substantial, maybe you should consider staying where you are. 4. Do I have the skills necessary to realistically pursue [insert answer to #2]? Okay, you have gone through questions 1-3 and decided you would be much happier as an astronaut. Unfortunately, at this juncture in your life you do not have the skills (and probably will never acquire them) to become an astronaut. This is an extreme example but an important point. Figure out what training or certifications you need to move into your dream field and consider the costs of attaining them. Then, if you still want to pursue this new career field, work out a plan to go back to school or get the experience you need while remaining productive at your current job. 5. Can I actually support my family doing [insert answer to #2]? If you have a spouse, kids, goldfish, hamsters, or other living beings depending on you, it is important to consider if your new line of work will still allow you to provide for them. Life is too short to not enjoy what you are doing, but changing careers is not always a valid option. If you feel comfortable doing so, tell your supervisor you would like to explore other options within your company. Who knows? You might find something on another floor of the building that suits you. Above all else, figure out what you most enjoy and find time for it as often as you can. Careers need not define or limit who we are. We work to live; we do not live to work.
Nori Sushi 2212 W. Northwest Highway Dallas – 75220 PH: 972-993-7888
Good Times, Good Sushi
In a land known for Tex-Mex, hamburgers and steak, finding a sushi restaurant that will stand out can be a monumental task. Fortunately for us Nori Sushi does stand out for many good reasons. Located on Northwest Highway between Humperdink’s and Kindal’s, this hot spot is known for their delectable sushi and affordable drink prices. The spacious dining area can handle parties of all sizes (they are considered the largest sushi bar in Dallas) and the friendly bartenders are entertaining. Another plus is that diners can take in a game while enjoying their meal. Nori Sushi is great for the business lunch and for the late night crowd since they are open till 2 a.m. daily.
Appetizers
Nori Sushi offers the standard fare that would be available at any sushi restaurant such as miso soup, edamame, gyoza (fried or steamed) and agedashi tofu as well as chicken yakitori and ebi tempura. However the standout appetizer is the soft-shell crab. The deep-fried crab is sweet and accompanied with ponzu sauce. Less adventurous but still fine: Japanese style chicken wings, deep-fried cheese balls or the Japanese spring rolls known as harumaki. Salads range from a standard house salad to the delicious seaweed salad.
Sushi
As in the best restaurants of its kind, Nori Sushi’s chefs take your order at the sushi bar and create a memorable meal from the fresh fish on display. Nori Sushi offers the standard California Roll, Spicy Salmon Roll and Philadelphia Roll but their specialty rolls set this restaurant
by Kelly G. Reed
“Dude With An Appetite”
apart. I am partial to the Rainbow Roll: a California Roll topped with salmon, tuna, yellowtail, white fish and avocado. The bright colors will attract your attention and each bite tantalizes the palate with a different flavor. Next up is the Hurricane Roll: avocado, masago and cream cheese topped with baked salmon and a sweet sauce—a nice alternative to the usual strong wasabi. For those who like more of a kick, I recommend the Rock Roll: tempura shrimp and jalapeños topped with spicy tuna and crab and a spicy sauce. Another specialty roll worth trying is the Crunch Roll: shrimp tempura adorned with eel, avocado, tempura crunch and eel sauce. If you are up to the challenge and have time, bring a friend or test yourself with the Nori Boat. This special is perfect for an afternoon or evening of taking in all of the March Madness games. You start off with miso soup and then you are served a Dragon Roll, Grapevine Roll and ten select pieces of sushi and fifteen pieces of sashimi chosen by the chef. This is not for the timid! Think of it as another Blitz Weekly challenge. Conquer this and you have bragging rights!
Libations
Nori Sushi has friendly, attentive bartenders who will be happy to engage in conversation and serve up adult beverages. The fully stocked bar is a nice perk and they have beer on draft and by the bottle ranging from Japanese imports to domestic brands. Their daily happy hour specials are affordable with $2 domestics, wells and sake from 4 to 8 p.m. For the late night crowd, stop by for the “Midnight Specials.” From 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. they offer $2 wells and $5 U-CallIts. Nori Sushi is worth repeat visits. The vivacious crowds in the evening, attentive wait-staff and affordable sushi make for a pleasant experience. Stop by and you’ll see why.
JOKES
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HORRORSCOPES Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
With the circus in town your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent CircusMonkey-Related Autoerotic Asphyxiation. Don’t forget the peanuts!
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
Your academic reputation is saved when recently discovered Chinese texts prove your theory that Mao Ze Dong did in fact throw it all away for a cocktail waitress.
FUNNIES
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locked the keys in her car.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 21)
Congratulations! You will become an overnight media darling when the Fox 4 team exposes your lifelong love affair with cats.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight. Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite kind of socks? A: Arrrrgyle! The New Bartender A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “130.” So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, “This is really cool.” Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man responded, “120.” So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, “Wow, this is really cool.” A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “80.” The robot then said, “So, how are things in Oklahoma these days?”
Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
ACROSS:
1. Licit 6. Porn 10. A Medieval weapon 14. San Antonio fort 15. Lack of difficulty 16. Biblical garden 17. French for “Morning” 18. Holly 19. Marsh plant 20. Adversary 22. Buddies 23. Frozen water 24. Sanctify 26. It immobilizes a broken bone 30. Young hog 32. Not telling the truth 33. Church-state 37. Formerly (archaic) 38. Hammerhead 39. Dwarf buffalo 40. Investigator 42. Follow stealthily 43. Fliers in V’s 44. Extensive tracts of level open land 45. It’s shot from a bow 47. Vitality
48. Largest continent 49. Astounded 56. A narrow fissure in rock 57. Defeat disastrously 58. Not tight 59. Indolent 60. Romantic encounter 61. Without company 62. Accomplishment 63. Egg on 64. Direct elsewhere
DOWN:
1. Tibetan monk 2. Flair 3. General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade 4. Dogfish 5. Yearning 6. Parisian river 7. Anagram of “Lima” 8. Purposes 9. School text 10. Commit 11. Notions 12. Beams on ships 13. Concludes 21. ___opus
25. Resinlike substance 26. Sleigh 27. Wood heaped for burning a dead body 28. Enumerate 29. United into a whole 30. Remove whiskers 31. Not there 33. Not that 34. Freudian stage 35. Frigid 36. Long-haired Tibetan oxen 38. Attendants 41. Chief executive officer 42. Alike 44. Flipper 45. Comment to the audience 46. A shoulder firearm 47. Elector 48. Dry 50. Detergent 51. Ballet wear 52. Only 53. Foot of a horse 54. Slave 55. Elk or caribou
An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)
The good news: Your nude silhouette becomes known to every trucker in America when you model for a new line of naked-profile mud-flaps. The bad news: you won’t be paid.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
This week you will develop a reputation as a great hunter among your co-workers after you successfully slay a deer with your Ford F150.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Old wisdom is the best wisdom: Prevent demonic possession of your soul by walking around your trailer park three times and pouring Bud Light to hallow the grounds.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
The Supreme Court denies you the right to appear as yourself in public after the Kraft corporation claims it invented you in 1988.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Your sign says you will travel to a new State but of course this is true for roughly 35 percent of all Americans.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Hey Little Debbie! Your mother is proven right once again when your enjoyment of snack cakes leads to heroin use.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
This week you will become a hot Hollywood property when sound-effects artists discover that shooting you in the stomach sounds remarkably like the real thing.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that the possession of roofies will aid in your conquest of virgin territory.
18 by Pat Moran
“Man on his Throne”
MAD AS A MARCH ____ Quick... Do you have a pen? If not, go get one. Now. Time is running out. Go grab some paper too, while you are at it. Trust me, your lifestyle is at stake. Ready? Okay. So here is the setup: It’s the NCAA Tournament. It’s March Madness, which is also known as the best time of the year. It is, in my opinion, the best sporting event – bar none. Day after day of underdogs and upsets, where careers are made and obscured. It can’t be missed. Right? But things have changed. The landscape of college basketball has never been this ambiguous. The “One-and-Done” era has ushered in a bunch of freshmen and sophomores with vague-sounding names. But that doesn’t matter, right? The game is still the same and with even more teams this year. But now more than ever you need to be prepared... prepared for what I like to call “The Test.” It’s how you allow yourself to get away with being stuck to the television for days on end. It’s how you can finish a bracket without misspelling Woford. You have to be able to pass the test. From the Girlfriend/Wife, the Boss, the annoying
friend... You have to know what you are talking about. So take your pen and paper and write down the names of 10 or so players that you’ve never heard of. Memorize them. Now use them with the following phrase: “I’m sorry, beautiful, but _______ is playing today and it could be my only chance to see _______ play. It’s so important.” Regardless of whether or not it is. Most
players will never play a single game of basketball again, so I guess, in a way, every game has the highest stakes. But the Woman won’t understand, so do your research and get ready to use the excuses. Have a happy March Madness.