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APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30

APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

ON DECK PGA: A WEEK OF CONTROVERSY By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

T SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Bad Boys Bad Boys 3 Health News 4 “K” Sera Sera 5 Mavs News 6 Stars News 7 Fan-O-Rama 8 Rangers/Angels Rivalry 8 American League Preview 9 COVER STORY Rangers Opening Day 10-11 BLITZ BABE OF THE WEEK Taniea 12 BLITZ ENTERTAINMENT Chike’ 13 Seven Things in Seven Days 13 Restaurant Review 14 Are You on Fakebook? 14 Hollywood Shuffle 15 Hollywood Profile 15 Movie Review 15 Auto Review 16 Gadgets 16 Joystick 16 BLITZ FUNNYS Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 THE CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 The Answer Guy 18 2-Minute Drill 18 Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Graphic Designer Damien Mayfield Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Photo Brad Newton Cover Design Damien Mayfield Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mateeka Lanee, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith, Jesse Whitman Contributing Photographers Devon Adams, Calvin Brockington, Dominic Ceraldi, Alan Cleaver, Joseph Dowling, Steve Floyd, Chuck Olsen, Korin Reese, Eric W., Larine N., cobalt 123, giovanni, Serial Optimist, BetterBizIdeas, FreakingNews.com Contributing Writers Cote Bailey, Nicole Barrett, Arthur Bellfield, The Bum, Scott Free, Aeryn Ripley, Quick Steve

he madness of March cannot and will not be contained to just college basketball. The famously upper crust of the golf world has found themselves in the middle of crazytown. And in case you’re curious, it is indeed a gated community. We usually only hear about the outcomes of big tournaments or someone sinking an unbelievable shot. However, this week has been full of fringe stories that shed a tawdry light on one of our most traditional sports. First, the Dallas-based former coach of Tiger Woods, Hank Haney has a new book out. It’s called “The Big Miss: My Years Coaching Tiger Woods.” He says he wrote

Photo Courtesy: FreakingNews.com

the book because he was “able to observe greatness in close quarters.” When discussing the book on WFAN’s Boomer and Carton sports talk radio show he was called “a terrible human being” and “the scum of the Earth.” Obviously there are differing opinions on his literary debut, but it may end up falling into line with other great gossip books. Jose Canseco and Wilt Chamberlain both have salacious books out there, but they had a hand in telling their stories. Tiger should hurry up and tell the story candidly in his own words because others are waiting in the wings. Down south, the poor tournament directors at the Shell Houston Open are trying to conduct a professional and civilized affair. Although they run a tight ship down there, the biggest golf headline this week is not about their event, it’s about porn. In L.A,. three of the women in Tiger Wood’s former harem plan to release an X-rated account of their night with Le Tigre (my nickname for the passive aggressive Tiger

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from those naughty texts.) I’m sure some of you will rush to relive the affairs blow by adulterous blow, so be on the lookout for “Mistresses: Notorious Tales of the World’s Greatest Golfer.” I’ll pass, but I’m guessing it’ll feature green jackets, dirty talk in an Urkel voice and a bit of shame in the mix. And surprise! There is a bit of golfing crazy that isn’t tied to Tiger. The no-girls allowed Augusta National Golf Club has been criticized numerous times for their strict adherence to Jim Crow membership rules. But they stayed true to the 1% and disregarded the haters. Then along came Ginni Rometty. She has made shattering the glass ceiling her new favorite pastime.

YAY, YOU’RE FAMOUS!

SO YOUR CELLMATES WILL KNOW YOUR NAME!

This year she became the CEO of IBM but she is not a BOY. Usually the CEOs of tournament sponsors are welcomed into the club. If the company undermines her and continues to sponsor them, then they are basically saying she’s not equal to the male CEOs that came before her. If she is denied membership, she can attend the Masters but a green-jacketed member will accompany her at all times. I’m sure the aristocracy is only thinking of their safety, since lady parts attract bears. Golf is even getting a bad name here in Fort Worth. City officials say they’ve lost about $230,000 last year maintaining the Z. Boaz Golf Course. This week the city council will vote to either embrace the sport of kings or convert the land into a community park. Either way, it’s about time the golf world started sharing the wealth when it comes to scandals and intrigue. So enjoy the Masters this week while things have become interesting, because soon they’ll be back to business as usual.

That 70’s D’oh! Former TV sister Laurie Forman whose real name Lisa Robin Kelly from That 70’s Show was arrested last Sunday for domestic abuse. She was held on $50,000 bail in Los Angeles County. The 42-year-old spousal abuser has been in trouble with the law before. In 2010, she was found guilty of driving under the influence in the Tarheel state.

Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome Here’s another joke for Romney: “Knockknock. Who’s there? I don’t know -- my butler answers the door.” Bo Burnham @boburnham

I just ran over my dog with a shopping cart. APRIL FOOL’S! I don’t know who’s dog it is!

Andy Borowitz @BorowitzReport Remember when that black guy killed that white kid and it took forever to arrest him? Me neither.

Turning Another Leaf From coveted college quarterback, to NFL pariah, now to burglar; Ryan Leaf knows how to fart away talent. Leaf is facing two sets of burglary charges that occurred two days after posting bail for another set of burglary charges. Apparently he likes his pills; nabbing 28 oxycodones without his name on the label then 89 hydrocodone pills. Bet they THROW him in jail. Get it. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30 Photo Courtesies: Alan Cleaver

SIMPLE STEPS TO... SLIM DOWN AND LOSE WEIGHT FOR SUMMER By Mika Bradford CN, CPhT – www.rattleandhumsports.com

osing weight is just as much about what you eat as it is about how much you eat and your level of physical activity. The reason most people do not lose weight is simply because they don’t know the caloric value of the foods they are eating or the amount of energy their body regularly uses each day. Surprisingly, you can eat larger portions of healthy foods while still reducing fat and calories from your diet and lose weight if you take the time to do the math. Eating less or not eating at all can be a quick fix for rapid weight loss but the likeliness that those 5-10 pounds will stay off is slim. Most people who try this method end up not losing weight due to the unhealthy pattern of limiting food intake that tells the body it’s starving, needing to conserve fuel source rather than burn fat stores. Real, healthy weight loss begins with good food choices and small meal portions eaten throughout the day. Dense lean meats provide adequate amounts of protein taking longer to digest leaving you with a sense of being full longer. Protein is used as an energy source and also supports healthy blood sugar levels. Fibrous vegetables and nuts are filling and support proper digestion while providing antioxidants and minerals. Starchy, high sugar foods should be avoided since they provide empty calories, which can negatively impact blood sugar levels. The key to healthy weight loss is knowing how to create a caloric deficiency through food choices and physical activity. A caloric deficiency is when you reduce the number of calories consumed that are needed to sustain

your current weight. To lose 1lb of weight in one week you must burn an additional 3500 calories through exercise or reduce the calories consumed by 500 calories per day. Calories and Weight A pound of fat equals 3500 calories. To lose one pound a week you will need to expend 3500 more calories than you eat that week, whether through increased activity or decreased eating or a combination of both. Losing 1-2 pounds of fat a week is a sensible goal, and so you will want to use the combination of increased activity and eating less that will total 3500 calories for seven days. How You Burn Calories Your weight x distance = energy used walking. Time does not matter as much as distance. If you speed up to walking a mile in 13 minutes or less, you will be burning more calories per mile. But for most beginning walkers, it is best to increase the distance before working on speed. A simple rule of thumb is 100 calories per mile for a 180-pound person. Note about the Calories Chart You burn more calories per mile at very low speeds because you are basically stopping and starting with each step and your momentum isn’t helping to carry you along. Meanwhile, at very high walking speeds you are using more muscle groups with arm motion and with a race-walking stride. Running may burn more calories per mile as there is an up and down motion lifting your weight off the ground as well as moving it forward.

2000 steps = 1 mile 1 mile walked = 100 calories burned 12000 steps walked a day = a caloric deficiency of 600 calories 180 lbs. ACTIVITY

15 MIN

240 lbs. 1 HR

15MIN

1 HR

Walking (the dog)

164

218

Walking (moderate)

189

251

123

164

Cleaning light) Treadmill light)

(

137

549

183

730

Cycle (light)

(

385

128

512

Stair Stepper (light)

125

500

166

665

For More Information visit calorielab.com VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30

APRIL 4 – 10, 2012 Photo Courtesies: Alan Cleaver

“K” SERA, SERA KENTUCKY WINS NAT’L CHAMP, KANSAS WINS RESPECT By Scott Free – comments@blitzweekly.com Would David have been any less great had Goliath smashed him and his sling into the ground? Or was his greatness rooted in standing up in the face of outstanding opposition? Last Monday the number one team in the country (and winningest program in college basketball history), the Kentucky Wildcats, quieted every Jayhawk fan in the Superdome as they placed that one victorious foot upon the chest of Kansas and walked away with the program’s eighth national championship. Brave Kansas with their hopes of doing what so many thought

sera. Sure it would have been great to see the underdog win, but it just wasn’t in the cards, especially against a loaded deck. Kentucky brought undoubtedly the best roster in the country down to New Orleans: Marquis Teague, Doron Lamb, Anthony Davis (2012 Naismith Trophy winner), and Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. Greater odds haven’t been seen since Perseus took on the Titans. At least there is hope for next year because it appears on the surface that all of these guys will be NBA bound in a little under two months. But hey look at the bright side Kansas fans, a man who started

would be impossible lay slain on the hardwood, but not before winning the respect of the nation. If this game were played on pre-game stat sheets, the Jayhawks wouldn’t have stood a chance. Heck, they shouldn’t have stood a chance. Kentucky was simply that much better of a team. The Wildcats struck early and quickly opened the wound to double-digits – 18 to be specific. Then the Jayhawks woke up and showed the world why we cheer for the underdog and battled back to within five points with only 1:37 to go. There wasn’t a smiling Wildcat face among the 70,913 in attendance. Of course, the Wildcats of the University of Kentucky showed resolve and finished the championship season that they had worked so hard for by nailing the coffin of Kansas’ comeback hopes with four free throws in the final minute. Que sera,

his coaching career in 1982 (with Kansas no less), John Calipari, finally got to cut down his first national championship nets and hoist his first NCAA National Championship wooden trophy. The same people that hated to see Voltron combine down in Miami with James, Wade and Bosh are the same people that hated to see a college team with four future first-round draft picks on one roster play a “team” for the national title. It just didn’t seem fair. But this wasn’t Butler or Villanova, this was Kansas University the second winningest team in college basketball history – a team with class, tradition, and staying power – and they will be back to fight another day. So stand up Jayhawks and remember Rocky. He didn’t beat Apollo Creed; he survived Apollo Creed – with pride. Then he came back and beat the snot outta him. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30 Photo Courtesies: Joseph Dowling & Reebok

UPCOMING SCHEDULE: 4/06 TRAIL BLAZERS 7:30 P.M. 4/07 @ GRIZZLIES 7:00 P.M. 4/10 KINGS 7:30 P.M.

THE FINAL PUSH IS HERE MAVS GET BACK TO PLAYOFF FORM By Geoff Case – @geoffcase

he Dallas Mavericks displayed amazing mental toughness and clutch shooting in the historical championship run last year. They had trademark fourth quarters in which they would come back from double digit deficits to shock opponents. The Mavericks have been fighting to get that championship swagger all season long. We’ve seen flashes of it but never with any consistency. We finally got a first example of it against the Magic when Dirk banked in a 15-foot jumper with 5.9 seconds as Dallas overcame a 15-point deficit to beat the Magic last Friday night. The Big German was spectacular as usual but got a little help from Jason Terry who had sort of a mini slump the last few games. It’s about fighting back and showing the new guys on the roster how to weather a bad shooting night and make plays when it matters. We almost looked down a little bit,” Dirk Nowitzki said. “Guys were putting their heads down. But we’re too good for that. We have to keep competing. I’m proud of the guys. D-West really changed the momentum of the game. And Jet [Terry] getting hot in there. Guys just battling for each other. That’s what we’ve got to do.” The Mavericks showed their veteran leadership last season and despite their struggles their coach knows what they’re capable of. “We hung in there,” Carlisle said. “We were down 15 and just chipped away. We showed a lot of fortitude, a lot of grit and lot of togetherness. We had some people step up.” Does that mean Rick Carlisle thinks the Mavericks are ready for the prime time lights of the playoffs? “We’ve got work to do. We have lofty goals, but we’ve got 13 games to go and we’ve got a lot of improvement left.” WEST IS BACK IN ACTION Delonte West made his return Thursday in the 21-point loss at Miami, but he played just eight minutes as coach Rick Carlisle eased him back. There was no easing Friday at Orlando in a 100-98 win that the Mavs had to have or risk slipping to the verge of being out of the eight-playoff spots. “Delonte West played a massive game for us,” Mavs coach Rick Carlisle said. The guard who has started and come off the bench while playing point guard and

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shooting guard for the Mavs played more than 24 minutes and scored 15 points on 5-of10 shooting, including a huge three-pointer in the fourth quarter to cut the Magic’s lead to one. He also had five assists, three rebounds and a steal. “He (West) is a player on both ends of the floor. He is a competitor,” Nowitzki said. “He made a huge (three-pointer) there when we were down four to put it back to a one possession game. TERRY MAKES GOOD ON A BET Mavs guard Jason Terry paid up on a bet Friday night at Orlando. Terry and comedian Bill Bellamy lost a CrossFit Relay challenge to Magic guard Jameer Nelson and rapper Jadakiss. Terry had to play without his signa-

ture headband and high socks for the first time in his career. Had Terry won the competition, Nelson would’ve worn a headband and high socks in Friday’s game. Terry started off slowly with just six points in the first half. He entered the second half wearing his usual headband and with his socks pulled high. It must have been affecting him as he scored 10 of his 17 points in the fourth quarter in leading Dallas to the comeback victory. Terry is a pretty superstitious guy; it was good to see him right the ship in the second half with his usual duds.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30

APRIL 4 – 10, 2012 Photos Courtesy: Dominic Ceraldi

UPCOMING SCHEDULE: 4/05 @ PREDATORS 7:00 P.M. 4/07 BLUES 7:00 P.M.

ON THIN ICE ROAD WOES JEOPARDIZE STARS PLAYOFF CHANCES By Tony Barone – tbarone@blitzweekly.com

ith the regular season winding down, the Dallas Stars are now on the outside looking in at a playoff spot for the first time in more than a month. The Stars fell to ninth place in the Western Conference after ending a dismal road trip with a 3-0 shut out loss to the San Jose Sharks. The Stars have lost six of their last nine games and went 1-3-0 on the four game

Brenden Morrow said of the back-to-back bugaboo after losing to San Jose. “It was a big game, I don’t think fatigue can be an excuse for when we have what’s on the line as we did tonight. Our back-to-back record hasn’t been very good, but it hasn’t been as meaningful as what tonight’s game was in the past.” The Stars have 42 wins for the season, more than any other team in the Pacific Division, but have eight fewer points awarded for Overtime Losses than Division foes Los Angeles and Phoenix have and five fewer than San Jose. That point differential could ultimately result in the Stars sitting out the playoffs for the fourth consecutive season. “We are where we are and, like I said, we still control our own destiny,” Coach Glen Gulutzan said after the San Jose loss. “We don’t need someone to beat somebody else. We just need to win our last three games.” Two of those three games will be played on home ice against San Jose and St. Louis, with a road game in Nashville sandwiched between the AAC contests. “We’ve just got to bounce back,” Dallas defenseman Stephane Robidas said. “We’ve got to learn from what we did wrong tonight. We’re playing the same team (San Jose), so it should be fresh in our memory. It won’t be a different system, we know how they play and what they’re trying to do. It’s a good team, but it’s a team we can beat.”

road trip. Back-to-backs were a gorilla on the back of the Stars this season. The Stars played 14 back-to-back contests this season. They had a 7-5-2 record in first games, but a dismal 1-11-2 mark in the second games. They were outscored 55-21 in those second games and that includes the goals awarded for shootout wins. If you take out the shootouts, they were outscored 53-21. “Every team does it,” Stars captain

Throughout this nail-biting season homestretch in which the Stars have been playing for their postseason lives, Kari Lehtonen has backstopped them single-handedly to several key victories. But the Stars were undone by great goaltending efforts on their recent road trip by Vancouver’s Cory Schneider and San Jose’s Antti Niemi. None of the four teams in contention for postseason play have anything secured yet and none of them are out of the picture yet. The standings have shifted a lot in past weeks and the Stars and their fans hope they can shift a lot over the final week of the season. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30

Fan-O-Rama Who will be sitting next to you on opening day 2012?

“The BIG Fan” This guy is the Rangers’ “biggest” fan in more ways than one. Enjoy the game as his back ‘fro drenches your arm in his funky fan goodness. Good luck getting to use your armrest; it will become the point of origin where his extra arm meat will invade your personal space.

“The Distraction” Why? Why does the hottest girl in the stadium have to sit next to you and your wife and kids? Is it so she can drive you crazy? No. It’s so that she can see you sweat while your wife beams a Supermanlike laser hole in the side of your head when she catches you checking her out. Yep.

“The If I Was Out There Guy” This guys keeps you occupied during the game by his constant trips down memory lane when he was the best pitcher at Whogivesadamn High. And if he was out there playing we would have won that title.

BEST RIVALRY IN BASEBALL THIS MEANS WAR! By Martin Iheke – miheke@gmail.com

“The Snot Nose Brat” This nostril secretion factory just sneezed on your $9 nachos and blew his nose on his shirt. Just when you think your luck is changing, Napoli hits a homerun that flies straight into your glove, the booger bandit looks right into your eyes and says, “mister, can I have the ball mister? Pweez?”

“The Hey Calm Down Dude” This is the habitual yeller screaming at the top of his lungs about…well anything; the pitching, the hitting, the umpires, whatever seems to grab his attention. You want to tell him to cram it, but you’d rather not get punched in the face today. After all, the guy does seem like he could bench press a Prius with two vegans and a hippie inside.

When you think of some of the best rivalries in baseball, you immediately think of Red SoxYankees, Giants-Dodgers or Cubs-Cardinals. Could the Texas Rangers and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim be the next best rivalry? It is certainly shaping up to being one of the best. Never mind the fact that the Rangers finished ahead of the Angels by ten games last season to claim their second consecutive division title. It is the moves the Angels made during the offseason as well as the Rangers that have gotten this talk started and the season has not even begun yet. The Rangers and Angels have been in the American League West Division since 1972 when the Rangers moved here from Washington, D.C. Both teams have not had many memorable games or incidents against one another since then so it is difficult to say that they have had a recognizable rivalry. Both teams have thrown a perfect game against each other. Mike Witt of the Angels threw one against the Rangers in the final game of the 1984 season and almost a decade later, when Kenny Rogers threw one against the Angels. There have been a couple of times where both teams have come down to the

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wire on deciding the division title with the Angels winning one over the Rangers by five games in 1986 and the Rangers winning one over the Angels by three games in 1998. Nolan Ryan is about the only recognizable player that has played for both teams. He was traded to the Angels from the Mets before the 1972 season and pitched for them for eight seasons. His tenure with the Angels established him as one of the great pitchers of his era. He wrapped up his hall of fame career by pitching for the Rangers from 1989 to 1993. He is now co-owner and president of the Rangers overseeing the recent success the franchise has had. The Angels have had more success in the last decade winning five division titles and a World Series largely due to having a stable front office and a successful farm system while the Rangers had been the opposite. Now, those fortunes have reversed with the Rangers not only winning the last two division titles, but two straight American League pennants. The only thing the Angels have over the Rangers is that all elusive World Series title that the Rangers are trying to get. So the Rangers have gone out and acquired star

players like third baseman, Adrian Beltre, catcher Mike Napoli and Japanese pitcher, Yu Darvish. Beltre was a player the Angels had interest in before the Rangers signed him away. They traded Napoli to the Blue Jays thinking they did not need him only to see the Rangers trade for him. Napoli roasted the Angels during the regular season, last year, helping the Rangers go back to their second straight World Series. Not liking that the Rangers have burned them, the Angels struck back by signing away C.J. Wilson from the Rangers and Albert Pujols from the St. Louis Cardinals although at a costly combined price of $331.5 million. The Angels mean business and they want to take the division crown away from the Rangers. The Rangers have taken notice by signing Darvish. Not only do they want to continue to be kings of the AL West, but eventually win their first World Series. This all has the makings of an interesting season between the two clubs with them meeting nineteen times. Could it be the next best rivalry? Perhaps, but it has a long way to go to even be in the neighborhood of a Red Sox-Yankees rivalry.

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AL West The Rangers and Angels have been fierce rivals for a while, especially with the Rangers’ recent success. When Los Angeles signed Rangers’ ace pitcher C.J. Wilson and 2012’s top free agent, Albert Pujols, the Angels sent a message it wasn’t happy losing the American League West the past two years. Texas countered with Japanese star Yu Darvish to take Wilson’s spot and former Minnesota Twin Joe Nathan as its closer. With all the same hitters from the 2011 By: Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com team that came within one pitch of winning the World Series, the Rangers are poised for another t seems like a lifetime, okay major run. several lifetimes, since the The division’s other two American League’s big- teams, the Oakland A’s and gest rivalry and center of Seattle Mariners, continue in repower was the New York building mode after splitting the Yankees and Boston Red Sox. regular-season openers last week But thanks to key free agent in Japan. Seattle’s big change signings by the Texas Rang- is having star Ichiro Suzuki hit ers and Los Angeles Angels third after a career leading off. of Anaheim, there may be an The A’s pitching has changed equally intense rivalry brew- dramatically with the trading of ing. With the Detroit Tigers All-Star starter Gio Gonzalez to also making a key addition, Washington and All-Star closer there now are five teams to Andrew Bailey to Boston. Former beat in the American League. Ranger Brandon McCarthy is

now the A’s ace backed up by newcomer Bartolo Colon. Grant Balfour is the new closer. Offensively, third baseman Scott Sizemore is out for the season after knee surgery. Predictions 1. Texas 2. Los Angeles 3. Seattle 4. Oakland

95-67 93-69 70-92 68-94

AL Central The Detroit Tigers won their division last year without someone of Prince Fielder’s stature. The big first baseman will have to help make up for the loss of free agent Magglio Ordonez in a lineup that gave the Rangers fits in the American League Championship Series. But the Tigers still have Cy Young Award and league Most Valuable Player Justin Verlander and closer Jose Valverde on their pitching staff so there’s no reason the team should not win its division again. Predictions 1. Detroit 2. Cleveland 3. Kansas City 4. Minnesota 5. Chicago

94-68 82-80 78-84 75-87 73-89

AL East The biggest change in the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry is new Boston Manager Bobby Valentine. How well he can change the atmosphere after the team’s 7-20 collapse last year will tell if the Red Sox return to the playoffs. Yankees’ stars Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Andy Pettite and Mariano Rivera are on the backside of their careers but still among the best. Tampa Bay’s young pitching and the return of first baseman Carlos Pena will keep the Rays in contention again this season. Predictions 1. New York 2. Tampa Bay 3. Boston 4. Toronto 5. Baltimore

95-67 93-69 90-72 82-80 71-91

Playoff Predictions Wildcard Play-in Game Los Angeles def. Tampa Bay Divisional Round Los Angeles def. Detroit Texas def. New York League Championship Texas def. Los Angeles

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APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

2B SS CF 3B C DH RF LF 1B

STARTING ROTATION RHP COLBY LEWIS LHP DEREK HOLLAND LHP MATT HARRISON RHP YU DARVISH RHP NEFTALI FELIZ

LEFT FIELD DAVID MURPHY CRAIG GENTRY JOSH HAMILTON

BULLPEN RHP JOE NATHAN(CLOSER) RHP ALEXI OGANDO RHP MIKE ADAMS RHP SCOTT FELDMAN RHP KOJI UEHARA RHP MARK LOWE LHP ROBBIE ROSS ADDED YU DARVISH JOE NATHAN ROBBIE ROSS ALBERTO GONZALEZ LUIS HERNANDEZ LOST C.J. WILSON DARREN OLIVER ENDY CHAVEZ ANDRES BLANCO

SP RP OF IF

TOP 5 PROSPECT JURICKSON PROFAR MARTIN PEREZ MIKE OLT LEONYS MARTIN ROBBIE ROSS

SS SP 3B OF RP

CENTER FIELD JOSH HAMILTON CRAIG GENTRY JULIO BORBON RIGHT FIELD NELSON CRUZ DAVID MURPHY CRAIG GENTRY

SHORT STOP ELVIS ANDRUS MICHAEL YOUNG ALBERTO GONZALEZ LUIS HERNANDEZ

3RD BASE ADRIAN BELTRE MICHAEL YOUNG ALBERTO GONZALEZ LUIS HERNANDEZ

CATCHER MIKE NAPOLI YORVIT TORREALBA

By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com hen a team like the signed former Minnesota Twins Texas Rangers plays closer Joe Nathan. They also shiftin consecutive World ed 2011 starter Alexi Ogando Series and misses back to his former setup role. Other than that, the team winning the most recent one by just one pitch (twice), there are that opens play Friday at home three routes it can take for the fol- against the Chicago White Sox is virtually the same one last seen on lowing season. One is to clean house figuring a national stage losing Games 6 the current players aren’t good and 7 to the St. Louis Cardinals in enough to win it all. Another is the World Series. Is this team capable of winning to do nothing since you were so close. Or find something in be- the World Series? Absolutely. Will tween which is the way General it? Check back in 162 games to Manager Jon Daniels and Man- find out. In the meantime, here’s ager Ron Washington chose en- what to expect from the 2012 Texas Rangers. tering the new season. Actually the Rangers decided they liked so many of their players Offseason Drama they came much closer to doing The Rangers were hoping the nothing. But the few changes they only drama between their World Series loss and spring training did make were significant. After losing ace starting pitcher would center on which players C.J. Wilson to free agency, they came and went for themselves won the bidding war for Japanese and archrivals the Los Angeles sensation Yu Darvish. Deciding to Angels of Anaheim. The Angels move All-Star closer Neftali Fe- set the bar high when they signed liz into the starting rotation, they Wilson and St. Louis Cardinals

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2ND BASE IAN KINSLER MICHAEL YOUNG ALBERTO GONZALEZ LUIS HERNANDEZ

1ST BASE MITCH MORELAND MICHAEL YOUNG MIKE NAPOLI

DESIGNATED HITTER MICHAEL YOUNG MIKE NAPOLI YORVIT TORREALBA

Photo Courtesies: Joe Lorenzini & Darryl Briggs

STARTING LINEUP IAN KINSLER ELVIS ANDRUS JOSH HAMILTON ADRIAN BELTRE MIKE NAPOLI MICHAEL YOUNG NELSON CRUZ DAVID MURPHY MITCH MORELAND

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30

The Thi sur Dog om bot

The The Co you how sea

first baseman Albert Pujols. Texas hoped to counter Wilson’s loss by winning the Darvish bidding and balancing the Pujols

relapse of his alcohol problems and suddenly nothing was quiet. Since the initial publicity wave for that incident, there’s been very

runs (210 (855) and in (807) i with Hami

signing by enticing Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder to join them. They ended up batting .500 after Fielder took his talents to Detroit. The Rangers also signed catcher-first baseman Mike Napoli to another year and had hoped to quietly arrange a long-term extension with star outfielder Josh Hamilton. Then Hamilton had a

little said since. Maybe Hamilton and the team have put it behind them but it still could affect their future contract negotiations. Whether it affects Hamilton on the field also is a question.

with vario be no sur again with finished th Ultra Young tie major lea .338 whi high 106 man Mike prising 30

At the Bat Hamilton and the Rangers led the major leagues in batting average (.283), were second in home

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30

APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

ONCE YOU’VE GOT YOUR TICKETS AND PAID FOR PARKING, HERE IS THE BEST WAY TO SPEND ONE BENJAMIN.

The Rangers Official Yearbook Make the kid happy and grab him an official yearbook so he has something for Mr. Darvish to autograph after the game. Price: $10

e Champion Dog s 2-pound behemoth is e to take you to the Hot g Hall of Fame. We recmend eating this one with th hands. Price: $26

e Right Ball Cap e “59Fifty MLB Authentic llection” ball cap will start ur season off right. See w grungy you can get it by ason’s end. Price: $35

0), third in runs scored d third in runs batted in 2011. And that was ilton and other stars out

ous injuries. So it should rprise that they will go h the same players who he 2011 World Series. utility man Michael ed for the second-best gue batting average at le driving in a careerruns. Catcher-first basee Napoli provided a sur0 home runs and 75 runs

The Foam Fan Fist Hey there guy with the unusually large index finger, looking good. Show everyone you think that the home team is number 1. Price: $17

batted in playing just 113 games. Third baseman Adrian Beltre had 32 homers and 105 RBI and rightfielder Nelson Cruz 29 and 87 for 124 games and Hamilton 25 and 94 in 121 games. While second baseman Ian Kinsler’s average was at .255, he hit 32 home runs and stole 30 bases while scoring a team-high 121 runs as the leadoff hitter. Shortstop Elvis Andrus proved the perfect No. 2 hitter with 60 RBI and 37 stolen bases. The only big offensive questions during spring training were where would Hamilton play and would first baseman Mitch Moreland be ready after right wrist surgery. The answers are center field and a definite yes as Moreland had a very good spring. With Hamilton in center, David Murphy and Craig Gentry will mostly platoon in left field. On the Mound Texas knows what to expect from

Ice Cold One Go ahead you deserve it. Sit back and watch the Rangers win with your favorite beverage in hand. Price: $8

its first three starters. Colby Lewis had a 14-10 record and 4.40 earned run average, Derek Holland went 16-5, 3.95 and Matt Harrison was 14-9 and 3.39 last year. What’s unknown is what they will receive from Darvish and Feliz. Sure Darvish tore up the Japanese league but can he do the same to real major league hitters? After two years as the Rangers’ closer, can Feliz return to the starting success he had in the minor leagues? If any starter is injured or falters, the always-reliable Scott Feldman is available. Until then, he will pitch in long relief. Speaking of relief, the Rangers believe they will be better than last year with Nathan closing and Ogando and Mike Adams setting him up. But how well rookie lefthander Robbie Ross performs is a question to be answered. While shining in spring training, he’s never played above Class AA. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30

APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

CHIKE’ IS HIP-HOPS “NEW KID” FRESHER IS BETTER By Mateeka Lanee’ – Mateekalanee.wordpress.com that hip-hop artists “have to realize that our words hold weight. I think [Kanye has] always had his mind on that, as well as being entertaining and fun.” He names reggae progeny Damien Marley as an artist he hopes to have the chance to work with, as well as fellow Atlanta rapper Wale, known for his singles “600 Benz” and “Lotus Flower Bomb,” saying he “has a very poetic feel,” which he admires. After being featured on MTV2’s Sucker Free Sunday, Chike’ is now preparing release of his mixtape New Kid on the Block. The 26-year-old explains that it is named such because, simply, “that’s what they’re going to call you.” As a “new kid” in the hip-hop world, he feels he has the freedom to be himself, as the pressures of the industry’s perceptions have not yet been pushed upon him. “Rappers are vexed between doing what we want to do and what people want us to do,” he says, but without expectations from major record labels pushing for ringtone sales and the like, he feels he can be most honest to who he is as an artist. “When [a new kid] shows up, you might call him the new kid, but he might have an older soul than you.”

Photo Courtesy: Team Chike’

he backbone of hip-hop music today is all about owning a unique voice, where the artists who have enjoyed the most staying power are those who have been most consistently authentic in their sound and message. For Atlantabased artist Chike’, it is a voice influenced by African American struggles of the Civil Rights Era, formal music training, and lessons learned through life in the South. Born to parents who were involved in the Civil Rights movement of the late 1960’s and early ‘70’s, Ncosi Chike’ says he “wasn’t raised on TV and Christmas,” but rather on a diet of funk and jazz music. He started his first band in his early elementary school years, playing the drums, and would go on to a successful educational career with the instrument. While in college in Florida, he was the first African American male to be inducted into the Psychology Honor Society. His opportunities with the school band allowed him to start his own group, as well as to run a circle of student DJs, thus allowing all of their music to be heard within the Daytona Beach club scene. However, he laments, college “took the fun out of [music], and overall you enjoy yourself.” Chike’ describes his music as “an educated person’s view of a world gone wrong,” exploring not only his story – an “awesome” one, as he puts it – but that of all sorts of people he has met. “I’d be an a**hole to think I have the only story that needs to be told,” he says. “I need to draw inspiration from every experience I have.” When asked to name some of the artists who have influenced his work, he names Kanye West as a favorite, noting

Photo Courtesies: Chuck Olsen, BetterBizIdeas, Steve Floyd, Devon Adams, cobalt 123, giovanni

WED. 4/4

DINING OUT IN DALLAS Frontiers of Flight Museum – Dallas Abacus, Pappas Bros. Steakhouse, The Second Floor, and Meso Maya all come together for good food and a good cause. Support the Texas Neurofibromatosis Foundation. 6pm.

THURS. 4/5

THE PARKING LOT SunFlower Market – Dallas It’s food truck time! Chow down with Nammi, Good Karma Kitchen, Gepetto’s Pizza, Rock and Roll Tacos and more. Mmmmm we get hungry just thinking about it. 6pm.

FRI. 4/6

DEEP ELLUM ARTS FESTIVAL Deep Ellum – Dallas 50 bands, great food, and an awesome pet parade will line the streets of the city’s most colorful neighborhood. Because if anybody knows how to party, Deep Ellum knows how to party. 10am.

SAT. 4/7

SCARBOROUGH RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL Fair Grounds – Waxahachie Good morrow fair maiden care ye to watchith the joust? Bring the whole family out to enjoy what the preiPhone world was like. Just ignore the knight over there playing Angry Birds. 10am.

SUN. 4/8

EASTER IN LEE PARK Robert E. Lee Park – Dallas Easter in Lee Park is rolling into its 46th year. Experience local bands, celebrities, and a whole lot of family fun. Just make sure to share the chocolate bunnies with the kids too. 10am.

MON. 4/9

APRIL ALE WEEK Meddlesome Moth – Dallas If you’re gonna get drunk at least drink the best! Experience the goodness of Texas local beers and be proud that you are just falling off your bar stool, you’re falling off your bar stool for Texas! 5pm.

TUES. 4/10

FASHION’S LIVING CANVAS Hilton Anatole – Dallas Project Runway meets GCB in this Fashion show Texasstyle. LeeAnne Locken, Isabel Varela, Prashi Shah, and Becca Jett will make this event more popular than a Roberto Cavalli giveaway. 7pm.

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APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30

JAVIER’S

GOURMET MEXICANO SETTING THE STANDARD By The Bum – www.dallasrestaurantreviews.com Javier’s restaurant is perfect for a business dinner or that extra-special Mexican meal. It serves great Mexico City style food -- no enchiladas, no tamales, no tacos, and no tortillas (except tortilla soup). This wellknown restaurant has been pulling in the crowds since 1977.

CONTACT INFO: Javier’s Gourmet Mexicano 4912 Cole Ave. Dallas - 75205 PH: 214-521-4211 www.javiers.net HOURS: Dinner Only Sun – Wed: 5:30-10pm Thur – Sat: 5:30-11pm

SETTING // A 1930’s building (with original pressed tin ceilings) on the edge of the elegant Park Cities. The interior has 70 year-old brick walls, heavy woods, Mexican tile, and a great copper-topped bar. The entrance is actually on the back side (on McKinney Avenue, not on Cole Avenue). Valet only. FOOD // This is not Tex-Mex. Javier’s specializes in upscale Mexican-style steaks, seafood, fowl, and even mushroom crepes (a side item with the Corazon de Filete, a tenderloin steak which is my personal favorite). I also love the Filete con Champinones (sautéed tenderloin, bacon-wrapped with mushrooms and brandy sauce) and the Red Snapper Mojo de Ajo (fresh Gulf snapper sauteed in a garlic-lemon sauce). Entrees run $20-$29. The Tortilla Soup is one of the best, and the Caldo Xochitl (“SO-she-til”) – a spicy chicken soup with minced onions and cilantro – is outstanding. When they bring the hot sauces (plural), there will be two of them, a red and a green, served warm. BEVERAGES // Javier’s house margarita is

Photos Courtesy: Eric W. & Larine N.

as good as a top-shelf margarita at most restaurants. The top-shelf is even better. For an after-dinner show, order one of the two special coffees spiked with several liqueurs. Your waiter will prepare it tableside – flaming the brandy and pouring the flames from glass to glass. It’s a great finish to the dinner, and it’s great theatre. Javier’s also has a sizable wine list, including 15 by the glass, and an excellent selection of cognacs and ports. There’s even a secluded cigar bar, far in the back, if you ask. AMBIANCE // There is a subtle mystery about Javier’s. It starts with the ever-present

Ferrari parked at the door – Javier’s, I presume. Then there are the maze of rooms, corners, second bar, and the old carved woods from Mexico. The decor is elegant but rustic, with vintage photos and even a few stuffed animals. The crowd is typical Highland Park, stylish and casual. Service is smooth. RESERVATIONS // Recommended. Note: open for dinner only. BOTTOM LINE // There is no higher-class Mexican restaurant in Dallas than Javier’s.

ARE YOU ON FAKEBOOK? By Jesse Whitman - jwhitman00@gmail.com

ow the most ubiquitous and socially acceptable form of internet voyeurism, I find myself, amongst the millions of others, scrolling through the news feeds of Facebook. There are the usual posts which range from pithy social commentary “Political Candidate X is a real D Bag!” to the mundane “my new shampoo makes my hair smell like rainforest and butterfly farts!” Then there are the fortune cookie lines of wisdom regurgitated by the lonely and depressed. There are the TMI posts you can’t help but read way too much into, like how your obese woman friend tries to publicly justify her attraction to burly, ill-mannered, bluecollar “Man-Beasts.” You think to yourself, “Yeah because, sadly, this

is the only type of man her manatee-like figure will attract.” It really doesn’t help matters either that she then posts a three-paragraph love story about the three pans of lasagna she just devoured. And occasionally there will be the refreshing, heart-warming post that renews your faith in humanity and relationships, or at least I thought: an acquaintance (most FB friends are, aren’t they?) who posted lovely photos of her and her husband renewing their vows, followed by hundreds of comments about “what a wonderful couple you are”, “congratulations”, “you look so in love!”… blah, blah, add nausea. But that’s what Facebook does right? It keeps you in the social loop. Or does it? For, just recent-

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ly, I found through the traditional grapevine that this happy couple is now officially separated, a fact not updated on Facebook. Which leads me to think a more appropriate name would be Fakebook. I say this for two reasons. Firstly, with some exceptions, FB posts are basically first date-style selfpromotion; a glossy, filtered, edited version of the person you are too undisciplined to be yourself. Secondly, and more importantly you are not the customer with FB, you are the product. So, if most things on Facebook are embellishments or straight out lies, then this is a crushing defeat for not only all the FB stalkers, you know who you are! – But for the would-be consumers of your publicly displayed social construct.

We love to take the low road. We know it’s immature and counterproductive to look at photos of our exes and hopefully find fat photos and ten dirty kids running around a trailer park, and relish in it. And if they are accomplished Yuppies, study their faces for Botox and cheek implants. But Fakebook is tricky, because while that may be the reality for some people, they will most likely only post photos of their kids smiling and vacation photo ops, all the while people will never know the father is a raging alcoholic and that vacation was three years ago. And I still can’t stop thinking about my ex’s new

girlfriend. How can she be blonde but look Asian? Is it a facelift? Botox? And his face looks a little stretched too. Are they going to the same plastic surgeon? Fakebook or not, I realized that nothing good can come of such a social network of false reality. Although, I understand why people embellish their mundane and miserable lives. Fakebook offers a platform for people to create their fantasy life with a little downloading and a few clicks of a mouse. Their marriage may be falling apart and their kids may hate them, but in the land of Fakebook they will always be dad of the year and the perfect happy couple hiking in the Sierras.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30

APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

HOLLYWOODPROFILE

WITH

HEIDI DILLON

By Nicole Barrett – @MsNicoleBarrett

By Nicole Barrett – @MsNicoleBarrett Lindsay Lohan - Has promised to be a good girl from now on after being released from probation. Lohan was on probation for a 2007 DUI case and was facing 270 days in jail. The judge advised her to stop clubbing and focus on her work. Sure, no problem. George Lucas - Says that Star Wars is gone forever. There goes my hope for the seventh, eighth and ninth episodes of one of the greatest film sagas of all time – and space. Hopefully we will see a Red Tails 2, but after a $60 million dollar loss on the first film, probably not. Bobby Brown - Is back in trouble with the law only a month after his ex-wife Whitney Houston passed away. Brown was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving in Los Angeles. Brown allegedly blew a point .12 on the Breathalyzer, and since this is not his first DUI, if convicted it could be serious. It’s his prerogative to grieve in his own way.

One of the most elegant women in Dallas gave me a glimpse into her life of glitz, glamour, and reality TV. Truly one of DFW’s trendsetters, Heidi Dillon sets the pace for others to follow. Grab your popcorn and get ready, the Heidi Show is on. Tell us exactly what is a Fashionista and what is the purpose of the organization? To be an international champion of the fashion arts through exhibitions, scholarships and educational programs, positioning Dallas as a portal to the global fashion community. The Fashionistas is a non-profit organization that has launched the careers of emerging Dallas fashion designers - to date Nha Khanh, Shirin Askari, Prashi & Elizabeth Anyaa. We also provide scholarships to local fashion design students and have a lecture series entitled Fashion talk that has featured local and international luminaries including Hamish Bowles of Vogue, Dr. Valerie Steele from the Museum at F.I.T., and Vince Camuto, to name a few. We have also helped sponsor major fashion exhibitions including Balenciaga and His Legacy: Haute Couture from the Texas Fashion Collection at the Meadows Museum of Art and Yeohlee: Design for Now at the Crow Collection of Asian Art. Michael Kors serves on our Advisory Board. The Fashionistas are open to everyone who shares our fervor for fashion. How did you join the cast of Big Rich

Texas? The original iteration of Big Rich Texas was Dallas Divas and Daughters. About four years ago the company that produces BRT discovered my website and contacted me. Initially, they wanted to do a show with The Fashionistas as the unifying principle and cast some of my board members as primary characters. The concept evolved into a mother-daughter theme when they learned about our student group, The Fashionistas Two. I worked with the producers on casting the mother/daughter duos for the show. I was not involved with Season One of BRT. When Season Two was about to begin filming, Pamela Martin-Duarte contacted me and asked if I would like to be involved in the show as a secondary cast member. Her idea was to exit the country club and get back into the Dallas social scene through The Fashionistas and me. I agreed to meet with the producers to discuss the idea. Before I made my decision, however, I had to talk it over with my family, my manager at Principato-Young and my partners at Morning Dew Pictures. (She is a partner/ executive producer at Morning Dew Pictures, which is a Los Angeles based television production company). My husband told me that I would be remiss if I didn’t give it a shot and my manager and partners thought that being on the other side of the camera would give me valuable insight as a producer.

MOVIEREVIEW OF JACK & JILL Never in this column have I taken the time to inform you of a movie that is terrible and I won’t start now. I want to take the time to tell you about a movie that is so deplorable, so unbelievably bad that it has built an impenetrable fortress atop the mountain of cinematic sh*t that it calls home. And it will defend it’s title of ‘Turd King” with archers in the guard towers should any simply bad movie attempt to enter its hallowed halls. This movie is Jack & Jill and shame on Adam Sandler for making it.

This is the story of Jack & Jill, who are twins both played by Sandler and how they starred in the worst movie ever and how they took several Hollywood heavyweights down in flames with them. This movie was deemed horrific long before it made history at the Razzies this past weekend where it took home Worst Director (Dennis Dugan), Worst Supporting Actor (Al Pacino), Worst Supporting Actress (Katie Holmes), and the dreaded Worst Picture anti-award. And for good measure it also took

Photo Courtesies: Korin Reese & Serial Optimist

What are some of the pros and cons of television fame? On the pros side, I had such a good time filming with Pam, LeeAnne Locken, Connie Dieb, my assistant Linnea Thulin and all of the wonderful members of The Fashionistas who agreed to join in the fun and populate scenes. Also, Style Network’s website, MyStyle.com, is featuring all of the designers we have worked with in our Runway Series events on the site. That’s huge! And, my manager and partners were right – I have learned a great deal about the production process through being on the show. On the cons side, honestly, people can be so bloody ugly. It’s really disappointing. What are your plans for the future? Morning Dew Pictures now takes up most of my time. I do development for our company, which takes me out of town quite a bit. Hopefully, after my son graduates from high school in four years, we will move to Los Angeles. By Cote Bailey @BlitzWeekly

home six more Golden Raspberries! This film was an epic fail on so many levels that everyone from the principle cast members to the fluffer (wait did this movie have a fluffer?…well it should have be-

cause it blew so much), to the guy that brought in the donuts should be taken out back and put down like Old Yeller. That’s why I started the F.S.S.E.A.T.M (The Fictional Society for the Systematic Execution for Actors in Terrible Movies) we’re a small bunch, but we’re scrappy! Alas, there was a bright spot in the movie – when the credits were done rolling and the house lights came on.

Dallas Polo Club

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APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

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AUTOREVIEW: PROJECT DETROIT BADDEST MUSTANG ON THE BLOCK By Quick Steve – comments@blitzweekly.com

his ain’t your daddy’s Mustang. Microsoft teamed up with Ford and West Coast Customs (of Pimp My Ride fame) and put together a vehicle that is filled with imagination, high-tech coolness, and badass muscle to show that in the realm of Apples and Androids they can still make some pretty awesome stuff. Introducing Project Detroit, be afraid – be very afraid. The neo-retro mashup comes with a with a Microsoft Xbox 360 with Kinect (stashed away in a taillight), a Windows smartphone (which controls almost all of the cars functions), a rear window that doubles as a projection screen, Ford Sync, Windows 8, and more all tucked into the classic body of a 1967 fastback. Nice. Oh yeah and the horn can be changed to play ringtones. This pony does more than just sit there and look pretty; the guts of this bad girl are all Mustang – 2012 Mustang to be exact. So, the heart is still purebred therefore expect her to get up and go. And you can see how fast on your all-digital computer display gauges. Saddle up.

RYNO ONE WHEEL MOTORCYCLE Tired of those pesky douches on Segways thinking that they own the cul-de-sac? Well give them the or proverbial “up yours” when you pull out the RYNO One Wheel Motorcycle. This thing looks like something that the bad guys on Blade Runner would have pulled out to chase you down in. This “selfbalancing” unicycle from hell goes 20 mph and can travel 30 miles on a single charge. Not bad considering your therapists office is just 10 miles away. You will definitely be king of the dweebs once you rip around the corner on this. Price: $4,500

GAMEREVIEW OF ARMORED CORE V By Aeryn Ripley – @BlitzWeekly

7 out of 10 VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

Console: PS3, 360 Rating: T Developers: From Software

Good news guys, it isn’t AS boring as the rest of the series! Bad news is it’s still pretty boring. In the world of eye-popping color schemes and concepts V doesn’t quite is doesn’t quite measure up. But there is a reason for that; the focus of the game is the actual gameplay and not necessarily the aesthetics. When you have hoards of mechs sending volleys at you in droves you don’t want to be distracted by how breathtaking the landscape is. This game seesaws from additive to tedious depending upon the severity of your A.D.D. or how diehard an Armored Core fan you happen to be. The shear degree of difficulty just to construct your mech is enough to make lesser gamers throw in the towel, but keep at it and optimize your chances of emerging victorious. It is as much a game of strategy as it is

a game of thumb coordination superiority. How you build and equip you mech will determine your faith throughout the game. Once you master your mech and discover what this game is truly capable of it will become a whole new experience. Skill and determination definitely prevail in this one – to the most dedicated go the spoils. Playing Armored Core V online and taking on teams is when this game really shines. There is no better way to hone your skills than to actually engage in battle, just try not to slow your teammates down too much while learning the ropes. Give this game a chance to actually show you why it was made. Don’t give up on it too quickly or dismiss it as not worthy of your time. It can hold its own and make a believer out of you.

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Q What’s the Q: difference bed ttween a blonde and a pair of a sunglasses? s A: The sunglasses A ssit higher on your fface. Q: Why don’t Q tthey have any ttoilet paper in KFC? K A: Because it’s finA ger licking good! g Q: How do you Q cclean a condom? d A: Turn it inside A out and shake the o ff**k out of it!

APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

A Little Blue Pill A man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, “I’ll be home in an hour.” “Perfect,” she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife. She calls him on the phone and she says, “Traffic is terrible. I won’t be there for about an hour and a half.” The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. “What should I do?” he asks. The Doctor replied, “It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?” “Yes” the man replied. “Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?” said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, “But I don’t need Viagra with the housekeeper...”

ARIES A March 21 – April 19 M Chompers, a 4-year-old pit bull will C make headlines and be honored m statewide after saving five people, but nnot you, from an apartment-building fire. TTAURUS April 20 – May 20 A After several years of marriage, sex is beginning to feel routine and artificial, and that’s exactly how you like it! a GEMINI G May 21 – June 21 M Having a hand fetish is one thing, but H cutting off her hands and dumping the body is just plain wasteful.

BLITZ FUNNYS

I Love You Bacon March 29, 2012 – J&D’s Foods of Seattle, Washington, announced creation of the Bacon Coffin, which they call the world’s first bacon-wrapped casket. The interior has an adjustable bed and mattress, the exterior is finished with a painted bacon and pork shading and accented with gold stationary handles. Retail price: $2,999.95.

CANCER C JJune 22 – July 22 You’ve always resisted change in your Y llife so relax: You’re going to be in a nice stable coma starting next week. LLEO JJuly 23 – August 22 Damn the luck! The lottery tickets you D buy this week will be nothing more b than a waste of money. VIRGO V August 23 – September 22 A You’ve always been described as Y one who sees things black and white, o that’s because the television you have is from the 1950s.

A Lethal Leg Sprain The St. Louis Post-Dispatch tells the sad story of Anna Brown, 29, a homeless mother of two, who suffered a sprained ankle and made the mistake of going to St. Mary’s Hospital ER. Examined, diagnosed and “treated,” she refused to be discharged, still suffering extreme pain. This caused police to be called. They arrested her, still wreathing in pain, then left her alone in a jail cell, where she died a few minutes later from blood clots caused by that sprain. For Lovers of “Looking Down” While numerous women celebrated and paraded their bosoms before spectators along several London streets on National Cleavage Day (March 30, 2012), a more humble group, mostly repairmen, were ignored despite their cleavage, commonly known as “Plumbers’ Butt.”

LLIBRA September 23 – October 22 S TThis will be a spectacular week of twists at the workplace, rromantic o which might have something to do with you getting laid off. w SCORPIO S October 23 – November 21 O JJust because the voices in your head tell you it is ok doesn’t mean that they’re right. SAGITTARIUS S November 22 – December 21 N TThis is a great time to make big moves at work, as you’ll show up on m Monday to find that everyone has relocated to Duncanville.

ACROSS: 1. Volumes 6. Lantern 10. Annoyance 14. Set straight 15. Murres 16. Be worthy of 17. Feudal lord 18. 1/100th of a dollar 19. Wicked 20. Sanctify 22. Mobile phone 23. Caviar 24. Cut of beef 26. Pill 30. Monetary unit of Macedonia 32. Egg-shaped 33. A mathematical function 37. Harbor 38. Pertaining to the oceans

39. Chocolate cookie 40. Sugared 42. Honor fights 43. Instruments of torture 44. Artists’ workstands 45. Barren 47. Not bottom 48. Fired a weapon 49. Widely circulated 56. A Maori club 57. Biblical garden 58. Oblivion 59. Affirm 60. Wings 61. Ancient Roman magistrate 62. A territorial unit of Greece 63. Lease 64. Discourage

CAPRICORN C December 22 – January 19 D Circumstances beyond your control C will force you to accept a position w where you’ll be required to wear a nametag, however it will not lead to anyone knowing your name. AQUARIUS A 20 – February 18 JJanuary a TThe good news is you’ll be having as much sex as you’ve ever desired. a The bad news is it’ll involve a blow uup doll. PISCES P FFebruary 19 – March 20 Much to your dismay you’ll discover M that your “Smartphone” is actually smarter than you are. DOWN: 1. After-bath powder 2. Hodgepodge 3. Bearing 4. Hens make them 5. Smiled contemptuously 6. Ill-gotten gains 7. District 8. Pepper____ 9. Characteristic of a father 10. Perilous 11. Roof overhangs 12. Supporting column 13. Express in words 21. Small portable bed 25. Paddle 26. Spinning toys 27. Affirm 28. Drill 29. Written material 30. Birds of peace

31. Quaint outburst 33. Lean 34. Tall woody plant 35. Satan’s territory 36. Nonvascular plant 38. Ties or cravats 41. Black gunk 42. Mottled 44. Dawn goddess 45. Trim 46. Clan emblem 47. Basic belief 48. WW1 plane 50. Doing nothing 51. University administrator 52. Go on horseback 53. Send forth 54. Competent 55. One who accomplishes

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APRIL 4 – 10,, 2012

THE CLOSER

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30

THE ANSWER GUY WITH

ARTHUR BELLFIELD

By Arthur Bellfield – comments@blitzweekly.com Dear Arthur,

Iron City Beer Brewed by: Pittsburgh Brewing Co. ABV: 4.50% This is an old school beer that pours golden yellow with a big head that dissipates quickly. The scent is light with malt and some noticeable hops. The taste is grainy with metallic notes. It is light, smooth and crisp. Carbonation is ok. Drink this one ice cold! If it warms up it’ll become bitter and unpleasant. Arturo Fuente Rothschild Wrapper: Cameroon Binder: Dominican Republic Filler: Dominican Republic Strength: Medium Bodied The Rothschild has a dark brown oily wrapper with nice thin veins. The construction is solid. It lights up easily and has a smooth draw. The burn is even and consistent throughout. After lighting the grassy, woody flavors are present and halfway through the coffee bean and chocolate hints take over. Towards the end the smoke will become a tad bitter. The Rothschild has a complex flavor without being too powerful.

I recently started dating a dance instructor and needless to say she is breathtaking. The problem is in the dance category I have two left feet and she is always asking me to dance with her when we go out. When I decline she winds up dancing with someone else. Help... Signed, Rhythmless Mark I can’t believe you’re pawning off this beautiful woman to another man to do an act that can be just as sensual and erotic as sex, simply because you’re afraid of looking like a fool on the dance floor. Shame on you and the parents that spawned you and your two left feet! I frequent Gloria’s on salsa night at least twice a month. While I’m there I see guys like you leaning against the wall holding drinks, purses, and even spare tampons, while their women are enjoying themselves on the dance floor. What alarms me is that these guys seem to have settled within a comfortable “I don’t care who she dances with because she’s coming home with me” mindset. Big mistake! These guys obviously do not understand the sensuality of dance and what it can do to a woman! There’s just something primal and mystic about the way sound vibrates within the air while your bodies are in motion. Now add kinetic touch and rotation and you’re on to something special. Sounds like sex right? Nope! It’s just dancing no matter if it’s salsa, ballet, etc. Some women believe that the better dancer you are, the better you are in bed. This might be due to all of the physical foreplay between the bodies. And, you’re sending yours off to do what again? With who? While you hold her purse! Dance instructor or not, she likes the way you and your two left feet move!

Bikini Martini Ingredients: 1 oz Bombay Sapphire Gin 1 oz Blue Curacao Liqueur 1 oz Peach Schnapps Mixing Instructions: Add equal parts of each ingredient to a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice cubes. Shake well, strain into a chilled martini glass with a pineapple slice, and serve.

Name: Michael Duke How You Know Him: The DFW born and raised screenwriter has been thinking of ways to make you have nightmares for years. You know Wes Craven, John Carpenter, Stephen King and Joseph Stefano. Now get to know Michael Duke. What made you get into screenwriting? I’ve been interested in movies ever since I was a little kid. My mom use to take me to the Granada Theater and I just started watching old movies as a kid and it just fascinated me from then. Ok, so why horror movies? John Carpenter. He is the epitome of horror film writers. Scariest movie of all-time Halloween because everything that has happened to Michael Myers is actually plausible to live through; being shot, stabbed, etc., and he keeps coming at you and he doesn’t stop. The worst horror movie of all-time Hostel because it’s not scary it’s just gore. To me it just doesn’t tell a story. What was the first screenplay you ever wrote? Eternal Torment, it’s about seven college students investigating unsolved murders. I know you’ve had to have seen the new trailer for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Yes. It actually looks really really good. Ok, so which president would have been an awesome werewolf hunter? Theodore Roosevelt. Which horror movie character’s ass could you completely kick? Chucky because it’s a doll. Just keep kicking him until he turns into pieces. Zombie Apocalypse: stock your weapons early or wait to see what happens? Be prepared. Always be prepared. Best zombie movie ever Night of the Living Dead, George Romero all the way. What’s your number one horror movie rule? Don’t go upstairs there’s no way out.

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 30

APRIL 4 – 10, 2012

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