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VOL. 3 - ISSUE 36
may 11 - 17, 2011 3
Emu emerges on US 2
BLITZ News Shorts Hollywood Profile/Movie Review Music: Dive Bar Classics Mavs/Vigilantes News Rangers News COVER STORY: Dive Bars My First “Nabe” Good Times At The Goat Top Five Dallas Dive Bars BLITZ BABE: Alesia The Grown-Up Paper Route The Jettstream Rich Franklin Interview Blitz Toys Secrets Of The Universe Revealed Can This Job Be Saved? Food Review: Whiskey Cake Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes Last Call: The Draft
3 4 5 6-7 8 10 10 11 12 13 13 14 15 15 16 16 17 18
PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam PHOTO EDITOR Darryl Briggs COVER Cover Photography: Sarah Ji Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors, Matt Pearce CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Cyan Banister, Guylaine Brunet, Yu-Ping Chen, Sarah Ji, Marianne O’Leary, Phyllis Twachtman, Johndhackensacker3rd, Quarti STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Jack E. Jett, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Hannah Allen, Raymond Bloomquist, Fil Chapa, Bronte Erwin, Andrew J. Hewett, Richard Hunter, Jason Miller CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com
BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029
The hard news, as best we can sort it out: an emu escaped from the island compound where it was being raised. A metal fence was slashed, probably by the emu itself, as it is known to slash wire fences in its native Australia by hopping and slashing downward with its talons, adapted for wire-cutting. The emu was spotted on US 2 by a civicminded motorist who notified a Washington State Patrol after having struck the bird with his/her automobile. The accident took place in the middle of a Hewitt Avenue trestle whose span reached over Ebey Island, where the bird had been raised. The six-foot-tall specimen proceeded westward to Interstate 5 and was probably struck by other cars. Since I-5 parallels the ocean at that point, the emu started back the way it had come on US 2. A sheriff with the Washington State Patrol was treated for a deep cut received when he tried to “contain” the bird. (Really? By grabbing hold of it?) Emus are nearly as big as ostriches and are amazing long-distance runners, making about 30 mph in the wild. When the state police began to follow it the bird was doing 7 mph. We learn that the bird’s owner was involved in the chase and told the police that the bird’s name was Curious George and that “someone” had slashed a wire fence enabling George to escape. This editor once resided on South Whidbey Island and had friends in Everett where all this was taking place. I don’t remember the trestle bridge or US 2 but I well remember the ferry from Mukilteo and all the bridges and spans up and down Puget Sound. Beautiful country and well worth the visit… As long as there aren’t emus running all over the place, farmers who don’t know how to raise them and a police force without a functioning pistol. The bird’s dead body was removed from the California Street exit by an Everett Park Ranger who dropped it off at the Everett Animal Shelter. How many times had it been struck, one wonders? Since it was no doubt being raised for its meat, couldn’t police have driven alongside and put the bird down at the start of the chase? Say, after contacting the emu farm and explaining their
Andrew J. Hewett
www.chewednews.com
BIN LADEN BIG DEAL? course of action? My neighbors in Everett were some of the brightest Americans I’ve ever had the privilege to know. I can’t believe this kind of thing is happening in their backyard.
Rat-atat-tat
Things are much better back on the East Coast where a lone rat was able to cause one death and five serious injuries by gnawing through the fire-resistant insulation around a fusible link high atop a telephone pole. An explosion and a power outage resulted, emptying a nearby bar. The bar patrons saw where the explosion had come from and found what was left of the rat, still smoking, at the foot of the pole. Unfortunately they did not see the two cars that were about to crash in the pitch-dark street, killing one of the gawkers and pinning two others beneath one of the cars. The five who went to the hospital were in stable to serious condition, according to Capt. Joseph Zahralban of the Miami Fire Department. Miami police were in no way to blame for the accident and it is likely that the rat was still smoking when they arrived. This was, after all, a crime scene and Miami residents would know enough not to disturb it.
A (translated) quote from Iranian lawmaker Alaeddin Boroujerdi: “In the past 10 years, several times the U.S. has announced that Bin Laden has been killed. But if this is true (May 2, 2011), then killing Bin Laden 10 years after Sept. 11 is not a big deal.” (Don’t you just hate it when “they” make sense?)
ROCK ON NO MORE
In April 2011, world news services reported folks living in the small Indian village of Bandaguda had decided they’d had enough of the dust and noise coming from a local stone crushing plant, and held a demonstration around the facility. When three owners and four employees tried running them off, the angry locals locked all seven inside a break room, then burned the building.
MULE MATING
According to The Independent Political Report, in 2010 the Creators’ Rights Party offered as their candidate for Governor of Georgia Neal Horsley, age 68. The most unique “thing” about Mr. Horsley is he openly admitted, while appearing on the Alan Colmes Show, that he had had sex with a mule, with men and with watermelons, among other animals and objects. Explaining how this all started, he explained, “When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.”
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
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4 may 11 - 17, 2011
HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with Chris Hemsworth
by Vivian Fullerlove
If you didn’t know who Chris Hemsworth was last week, odds are, you do now! This hunky Aussie landed the breakout role of a lifetime when actor/director Kenneth Branagh cast him in the title role of the literally out-of-this-world action adventure film Thor. The film is about, of course, Thor, a powerful but arrogant warrior who is cast out of the fantastic realm of Asgard and sent to live amongst humans on Earth, where he soon becomes one of their finest defenders. I caught up with the newest action hero from down under to talk about the film and working with the incomparable Mr. Branagh. Tell me about your character.
At the beginning of the film, Thor comes in as a brash cocky young guy with a ton of power at his fingertips and is about to basically become the ruler of the kingdom of Asgard, and I think Odin [Thor’s father] sees a lot of things in Thor that he was full of when he was younger, and not so good things. He sort of acts before he thinks. So, Odin is sort of questioning Thor and if he’s ready to become the next king; and, so, it’s all about him learning some humility. It comes to the point where Thor goes against his father’s word and the way things are done and takes off on his own and creates chaos, and he’s punished for it by being sent to earth as a mortal to learn his lesson. At its core, what would you say Thor is really about?
I mean Ken (director Kenneth Branagh) said it very early on: fathers and sons, that’s what this is about. And I think whether you’re playing a god or human or whatever you make it real and relatable and that was
“Entertainment’s Real Critic”
the smart thing about this story. The backdrop was a film about gods, but it’s a film about human beings at the core of it and the relationships of fathers and sons. What was it like putting on that fantastic costume for the first time.
It was the first time in acting that I had put on a costume and really felt like the character. It sold the picture.
Thor really deals with the best and worst of both worlds in the film as both a “god” and a man and sometimes in the movie that involves a tremendous amount of physicality. Can you describe that aspect of the film?
I think the film is constantly contrasting. That is the beautiful element about it. As a god then to the earth...from gods in these costumes to earth people and human beings. And with the fight sequences you have big dramatic flying and stunts and magic and all sorts of things, with hand to hand combat and a bunch of guys beating the hell out of each other. You are surrounded by the best both on screen and behind the camera. What was it like working with Natalie Portman?
Natalie is beautiful and talented and all of the above. Working with her was a dream. You can check out Thor tonight! The film is open at theatres nationwide and is rated PG-13 for sequences of intense Sci-fi violence and action.
by Fil Chapa - “One Film at a Time”
The Conspirator
Directed by Robert Redford and starring James McAvoy, The Conspirator chronicles the events surrounding the assassination of President Lincoln. As the Union nears total victory over the Confederacy, the wounds of the bloodiest conflict in our nation’s history are still fresh on both sides. Former Union Soldier Frederick Aiken (McAvoy) is returning home and attempts to start over with the two loves of his life, the captivating Sarah (Alexis Bledel) and his promising career as a young lawyer. Aiken soon learns of the horrifying murder of President Lincoln and like most citizens wants swift and harsh punishment for those responsible. While the triggerman John Wilkes Booth, played by Toby Kebbell, is soon gunned down in a barn not far from town, the true conspiracy is only beginning to unfold with several of his cohorts yet to be prosecuted. Mary Surratt, played impeccably by Robin Wright, is the mother of one of the conspirators. In her boarding house many secret meetings were held to discuss the plot to kill Lincoln. Secretary Stanton (Kevin Kline) immediately convenes a military tribunal to convict and sentence the conspirators—a peculiar move since our citizens are entitled to a civilian trial before a jury of their peers with a presumption of innocence. It is for this very reason that Aikens’ boss Reverdy Johnson, played by Tom Wilkinson, vehemently ob-
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jects and assigns the case to him. While McAvoy appears young and inexperienced, he exudes a quiet confidence and sharp tongue similar to his breakout role as the outspoken personal physician to the Dictator Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland. Robin Wright as Mary Surratt maintains an impenetrable poker face and refuses to reveal her son’s whereabouts no matter how heinous the crime he is accused of. This is an important film that reveals some eye-opening facts about our country’s past–and more importantly, our future. Redford tackles some sobering issues such as the various personalities in our democracy and how the separate branches of government work with and sometimes against each other. On one end of the spectrum you have Secretary Stanton, the hawk, who will stop at nothing, not even the sacrifice of a potentially innocent woman to “make sure the war stays won.” On the other, you have Senator Johnson who argues that trying civilians in a military tribunal rather than a civilian court is flagrantly unconstitutional. The question of whether or not to conduct military tribunals is a hot-button issue even today. Are they an antiquated form of justice, with military officials serving as judge and jury? No doubt they offer a speedy trial at a fraction of the cost of civilian trials… Redford offers an excellent case study of our nation’s legal framework and it will most certainly stir up some decisive response.
may 11 - 17, 2011 5
David Sanborn and Candy Dulfer Winspear Opera House – Dallas Sanborn is the greatest alto sax player of his era and Dulfer has hot looks, a hot band (Funky Stuff) and has soloed with Prince, Pink Floyd, Van Morrison, more… Wow!
Thur 5/12
Intimate Exchanges by Alan Ayckbourn Stage West – Fort Worth Two plays with two actors taking eight parts. The author of 75 plays, Ayckbourn is a living legend in the British theater. These performances will be a witty introduction.
Fri 5/13
“Music Enthusiast”
by Jason Miller
Wed 5/11
The Doors – “Roadhouse Blues” – “Woke up this morning and I got myself a beer,” enough said. T-Rex – “Bang A Gong (Get it On)”– A blues rock boogie about one night stands and cars; the epitome of dive bar conversation. Cheap Trick – “Surrender”– The counter-choral of “We’re all alright!” is repeated four times in the final chorus of the song, which is often ignored continuing on until someone is, in fact, not alright. The Champs – “Tequila” – The title of the song constitutes the entirety of the lyrics, and is spoken, I mean SHOUTED, three times during the song. Johnny Cash – Any song from Folsom or San Quentin – A dive bar without Johnny Cash is like a prostitute who accepts checks. It simply doesn’t make sense. Lynyrd Sknyrd – “Freebird” – It has become a tradition of humor for the audience in many concerts to shout “Free Bird” as a request to hear the song, regardless of the performer or style of music. This unfortunate trend is also applicable to dive bars.
Motley Crue – “Girls, Girls, Girls” – This one slipped in after a second relationship with a stripper after which the owner vowed to never date strippers again. Garth Brooks – “Friends in Low Places” – If it were possible for a CD to actually wear out, this one would have to be replaced on a weekly basis in the dive bar jukebox. Ted Nugent – “Stranglehold” – The cheapskate’s pick. Clocking in at over eight minutes, this classic jam is the dive bar jukebox bargain. James Brown – “Sex Machine” – Suddenly the possibility of meeting girls who are enamored with the whole “dive bar experience” enough to go home with you becomes a “good idea.” Steppenwolf – “Born to Be Wild” – The dive bar gift and welcome anthem to bikers everywhere. Journey – “Don’t Stop Believin” – Drunk college girls are convinced that the cast of Glee wrote the song and Journey is simply covering the track.
Sat 5/14
Metallica – “For Whom the Bell Tolls” – One of the few metal songs allowed into a true dive bar jukebox and the only song that can be played over a dozen times a night with no complaints.
George Thorogood – “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” – One Advil, one Gatorade, one David Hasselhoff moment. Hank Williams – “There’s A Tear in my Beer” – In a dive bar a tear in your beer is the least of your worries as God only knows what else may have fallen into your drink. Michael Jackson – “Beat It” – Many dive bar regulars still have no idea The King of Pop is dead, and so it’s no surprise when they claim to meet Elvis for happy hour. Patsy Cline – Anything – The actual definition of a dive bar: A dark and smoky bar with various memorabilia on every wall and Patsy Cline playing on the Jukebox.
The Claxton Welch Band Poor David’s Pub – Dallas It’s old home week in Dallas since The Claxton Welch Band opened for Los Lonely Boys (and Delbert McClinton) at the 2010 Richardson Wildflower Festival.
Sun 5/15
Guns n’ Roses – “Welcome To The Jungle” – You know where you are. You’re in a dive bar baby, and you’re going to (fill in the blank).
Los Lonely Boys House of Blues – Dallas The three Garza brothers hit number one on the adult contemporary charts with their first single not so long ago. They’ve been hit or miss since but they’re honest rockers.
Pablo Picasso: Les Demoiselles d’Avignon Kimbell Art Museum – Fort Worth Part of a film series devoted to historic works of art: their creation, of course, but also their life and times, and the evolution of their reputation in the modern world.
Mon 5/16
Def Leppard – “Pour Some Sugar On Me” – This song slipped into the dive bar jukebox after the owner likely had a fling with a stripper.
Brandi Carlile Granada Theater – Dallas Carlile has sung more benefits than most for causes she believes in, recorded a collaboration with Elton John and collected many awards for her singing and songwriting.
Tues 5/17
AC/DC – “Back In Black” – A tribute to the late Bon Scott, and the gift that keeps on giving to dive bar air guitar champions everywhere.
The Killdares The Dallas Arboretum – Dallas Despite numerous personnel changes over the years The Killdares have hung together as one of the best exponents of Celtic rock. Hearing them outdoors should be a real treat. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com
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I’d like to think that I know a thing or two about a good dive bar; I used to play in an 80s hair metal band, had my share of breakups, and I enjoy an occasional Olympia on draft. The dive bar definitely serves a purpose in today’s drinking society. For one, it’s the only place to go after a breakup to drown your sorrows, and two, it’s cheap as hell. As far as the jukebox goes, you won’t find any modern digital music player flashing like a UFO with access to over a million songs. Instead, any reputable dive bar has a classic refrigerator-size monster with huge plastic pages full of CD covers and numbers. You put your dollar in, five or six times after smoothing out the edges, then take a gamble on whether or not you are able to see straight enough to link the number to the song. Five bucks can get you about 20 plays or so, and with that being said here are 20 songs that you are likely to find.
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6 may 11 - 17, 2011
MAVS News
by Geoff Case
“NBA Analyst”
Mavs shock the world The Dallas Mavericks accomplished the unthinkable sweeping the two-time defending champion Los Angeles Lakers and sending Phil Jackson to an early retirement. It was something that nobody (including me) thought could be possible. The Lakers roster was so formidable that some teams were actually throwing games to miss them in the first round. The Lakers came out firing in Game One and got up to an 18-point lead before the Mavericks slowly came back and stole it. That was a defining point in the series because the Lakers never rebounded from the loss and never looked like the better team in the final three games. The Mavericks threw countless haymakers that totally sapped the champs’ confidence and eventually had them fighting each other rather than the opposing team. The Mavericks put on a complete clinic of stellar basketball ending in a Game Four massacre that had the Lakers’ coach speechless. “I don’t think I’ve seen a team play to that level in a series in a game like they played this afternoon,” Jackson said. “You’d like to have an opportunity to challenge, but we didn’t.” This will go down in NBA lore as one of the greatest upsets because of the convincing fashion in which it was won and the unbelievable exit of one of Phil Jackson’s greatest rosters. This was the championship favorite against the team that most of the league had written off. How many times can you say your team shocked the world and have nobody in the room say a word? Not many. This was a team of talented veteran players checking their egos and committing themselves to a title chase. While they haven’t earned any hardware yet the team’s confidence is sky high and they believe in each other. The veterans know that defeating the Lakers sent a message to the rest of the league but they shouldn’t lose focus. They’re only halfway there, having won a franchiserecord six straight playoff games, a streak that began right after they blew a 23-point lead in Game Four of their first-round series against Portland. “The job is not finished,” Jason Terry said. The next round likely won’t start before next Sunday, a layoff that could pay huge
dividends for a roster filled with players in their 30s. Jason Kidd was given the last few games off in the regular season and it showed in the first few games of the first round. The time off might throw this team out of rhythm but the trade-off for fresh legs is a no-brainer. The Mavericks have been keeping on their heels by having multiple scorers show up every game. “We’ve been doing it by committee all year long,” said Dirk Nowitzki, who only scored 17 points, his fewest this postseason. “There are a lot of guys who can make plays and make shots when it counts.” The Mavericks will have to continue to get contributions from all over the roster to keep the momentum going into the next round. Dallas will host either Oklahoma City or Memphis in the conference finals. The Grizzlies and the Thunder are 2-2 after Game Four on Monday night. Moving forward, both teams present great match-up challenges for the Mavericks. The Grizzlies had never won a playoff game before this postseason when they dispatched the top-seeded Spurs in six. They would have clinched in five if not for 46 feet of off-balance jumpers in less than four seconds of Game Five. Zach Randolph has been playing the best basketball of his career and was rewarded with a huge contract after the first round. The Grizzlies won the overall series with the Mavericks during the regular season 3-1. I feel like the Mavericks would have a tougher time against the Grizzlies than the Thunder because of some match-up issues but both are formidable opponents. The Oklahoma City Thunder have a deep well of young emerging talents and have athletes at every position. They present another whole set of problems but still have times during big games where their inexperience shows through. They also don’t have anyone to guard Nowitzki. The Mavericks took the season series with the Thunder 2-1. There will be no easy opponents in the Western Conference Finals but the Mavericks shouldn’t be scared of anyone at this point.
may 11 - 17, 2011 7
Vigilantes News
Rapped-Up:
As a kid in elementary school, Dallas Vigilantes defensive back Jason Harmon knew that, whatever he did when he grew up, he wanted to be involved in football. The game has been a passion of Harmon’s since he was old enough to remember, which should not come as a surprise, given the high level of dedication it takes to be a professional athlete in any sport. However, while the Vigilantes’ all-time leader in total tackles (105) found his way to the professional ranks, there was definitely another love in his life that fought for Harmon’s attention, and it still fights for it to this very day. “It seems like I’ve been rapping for forever,” Harmon said. “I was a fan of Kriss Kross when I was younger; those child groups were pretty popular back then. I fell in love with rap music, so I decided to start making my own. I remember performing in my first talent show back in fourth grade. A friend of mine and I had our own group called One-on-One. We did the show, and the rest is history. I’ve been performing ever since.” But music is not just a hobby for the product of Michigan State, as Harmon has already released a few demos and mix-tapes that he has produced himself. “I’m not signed yet, but I think I’m on the right path,” Harmon said. “Nowadays, you have to be tapped in a little bit to get a deal, and I’m starting to do that locally. I have a few features on one of my albums from some well-known artists throughout Texas, like Slim Thug and Beat King. It’s a pro-
Crossword Solution
“Arena Football Fanatic”
cess, but all I can do is work hard, be true to myself and my music, and make sure I have some fun while I’m doing it.” For now, the main focus for Harmon is his professional football career and his dedication to helping the Dallas Vigilantes win an ArenaBowl title. But when it comes time for Harmon to retire from the game he knows so well, a new career just might take over. “I’m actually looking to become a mainstream artist someday,” Harmon said. “It’s a dream of mine, but whether it happens or not, I’m still going to keep making music because it’s what I love to do. My true passion will always be football; that’s what has led me through life. But music is probably right up there with it, and when I’ve left this game, I’m going to go full tilt in the studio.” Speaking with Harmon, the defensive back still continues to do live shows when he can, noting most of his shows take place after the busy Arena Football League season. “I’m always excited to be on stage, but right now, the only stage I’m concerned with is the 50-yard gridiron I see every weekend,” Harmon said. “We have to work hard and take care of business. If we can do that, then maybe I just might have on a championship ring next time I pick up the mic. We’ll see. There’s still a lot of football left to be played.”
blitzweekly.com
by Raymond Bloomquist
NBA: Celtics vs. Heat Wed. May 11 – 6:00PM – American Airlines Arena – TNT
The physical series heads back to Miami for Game Five. In Game Three Rondo went down on a freak injury that resulted in a dislocated elbow. He came back and led the Celtics to victory. Things will be different as Miami protects home court. Still, watching all this star power from both teams is great.
NBA: Grizzlies vs. Thunder Wed. May 11 – 8:30PM – Oklahoma City Arena – TNT
This Game Five match-up will be a physical, fast-paced game as both teams look to bring their best. The Grizzlies continued to shock the basketball world as they won in overtime in Game Three last Saturday. Zach Randolph continues to be a beast. Can the “Durantula” leave his mark and pull out the win?
NBA: Bulls vs. Hawks Thur. May 12 – 7:00PM – Philips Arena – ESPN
This will be a make or break Game Six for both teams. Look for the intensity to go up a notch. Rose is this year’s MVP and will have to lead his team against a crafty and quick Atlanta Hawk team. How far can the Hawks go? Will there be an unsung hero with a breakout performance?
MLB: Angels vs. Rangers Fri. May 13 – 7:05PM – Rangers Ballpark – KTXA 21
The hated Angels make their second trip to the Metroplex for the start of a three-game series. The Angels took the series winning two of three in their previous visit. They look to extend their first place lead over the Rangers. They’ll send RHP Jared Weaver (62) to the mound to take on Ranger LHP Derek Holland (3-1). Should be a nice match-up.
RANGERS
MAVS
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8 may 11 - 17, 2011
RANGERS News
by Mark Miller
“The Dallasite from the North”
Coming Back to Earth It’s a good thing the baseball season lasts 162 games. At least then streaks like the Texas Rangers currently are in can be long forgotten later in the year. For the second straight week, the team won only two of seven games, dropping their record through Sunday to 18-17. That’s just two weeks after leading the American League at 14-7. The Rangers lost a series to the Seattle Mariners on the road and the New York Yankees at home to make four straight series losses after sweeping Kansas City. But if all players take veteran Mike Napoli’s attitude after Sunday’s 12-5 loss in the finale against the Yankees, they will quickly put the last two weeks behind them. “They beat us,” Napoli told mlb.com. “We have to forget about it and get back out there tomorrow. We’re in a little grind right now, but we have to keep battling.” Texas must keep battling despite losing another key player. Right-fielder Nelson Cruz strained his right quadriceps muscle last Wednesday at Seattle so the team put him on the disabled list Saturday retroactive to the injury. That puts Mitch Moreland in right field and Chris Davis, Mike Napoli and Michael Young to split time at first base. To replace Cruz on the roster, the Rangers brought up Craig Gentry from Class AAA Round Rock. With Josh Hamilton also out, the Rangers are now missing two-thirds of their starting outfield and two of their biggest hitters. There’s no doubt that has affected their offense. And with reliever Darren O’Day also out until at least late June, their bullpen is thinner. Also thinner is the team’s defense, which through Saturday led the Majors in errors with 31. That includes seven errors by the pitchers who made a total of 14 errors all of last season. Just like the previous week, there still were a number of bright spots amid the dismal record.
last Thursday. • Neftali Feliz returned from the disabled list for his sixth save in as many chances in Saturday’s 7-5 win over the Yankees. • Michael Young had four hits for the 21st time in his career Saturday as he finished the week with a .341 average.
Upcoming Schedule:
Angels 5/11 Athletics 1:05 p.m. return 5/13 Angels 7:05 p.m. to The 5/14 Angels 3:10 p.m. Ballpark 5/15 Angels 2:05 p.m. Entering the 5/16 @White Sox 7:10 p.m. week two 5/17 @White Sox 7:10 p.m. games behind the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, the Rangers can make up ground directly when they entertain the California team this weekend. That comes after finishing their weekday series Wednesday afternoon against Oakland. This marks the second trip to Texas for the Angels who took two of three games April 18-20. The Angels netted Manager Mike Scioscia his 1,000th career victory on Mother’s Day to move to 20-15 in 2011. Pitching has been a major strength led by starters Jared Weaver (6-2) and Dan Haren (4-2) both with 1.87 earned run averages. Offensively, rookie first baseman Mark Trumbo and veteran second baseman Howie Kendrick have six home runs each with Trumbo leading the team in runs batted in with 17. After the Angels, the Rangers return to the road with a two-game series with the Chicago White Sox. Chicago has the worst record in the majors at 13-22. First baseman Paul Konerko has been tearing • C.J. Wilson pitched a complete game up American League pitching with a .323 with 12 strikeouts in a 5-2 win over Se- average, eight home runs and a league-tyattle last Wednesday. ing 27 RBI. Gavin Floyd leads the pitch• Colby Lewis pitched a complete game ing staff with four wins. with 11 strikeouts in a 3-1 loss to Seattle
and perhaps also because I came in with my wife from time to time, who was a gorgeous green-eyed redhead from Texas, I had the experience for the first time—all men must yearn for it in their youth—of being welcomed into the inner sanctum of men who seemed to have done great things with their lives. I became a world-traveler in the sixties but I always visited the White Horse when I came through New York
and found it not much changed. Then I lived abroad and wrote books of my own and really forgot the White Horse for many years. In New York again in the 90s on literary matters I made a sidetrip and found—squatting to the left in the main room that had once boiled over with conversation—a jukebox! Much older myself I asked some questions and all my respondents were cordial if not particularly knowledgeable. But there was someone, I was told, who might remember the “old days…” From nowhere a character appeared who had always been known to me as “Harry the Horse.” I was never sure if he worked for the bar or just lived in it, but he must have had books written about him by this time. And there he was, same as ever—an albino of some kind with kinky hair and a strong New York accent. Of course he didn’t know me from Adam but his expression changed markedly when I dredged up some of the old names. I could have been mistaken but I thought he might have been close to tears. It had taken a while but I’d arrived!
Editor
My very first neighborhood hangout in the early sixties was the legendary White Horse Tavern, less than a decade after Dylan Thomas had his last public drinking bout there in 1953 and went to his hotel to sicken and finally to die at St. Vincent’s Hospital. In the summer of ’62 I lived in a “garden” apartment that was achieved by a passage off West 11th Street between Washington and Greenwich, right down the street from the White Horse. At the time I moved furniture at Columbia all day and went to school at night (twelve units), but I never made it past the White Horse on my way home without throwing down a couple of black and tans. I remember their pints as being twenty-five cents at the time while a small draft of Ballantine’s or Rheingold’s was only ten cents in other bars. And their cherrystone clams were also sold for so many cents each and opened by John, one of the owners, said to have been a longshoreman once—a huge man in a long white apron who had the ability to appear distant when only a few feet away except that I saw curiosity in his eyes. To be curious about anything still in a place that had entertained so many big egos from the art world bespoke something like kindness to me then. My wife was six years older and had already made a name for herself performing off-Broadway. Just as I was a working student, she taught Junior High over on the Lower East Side and performed as swing girl in a longrunning show. Somehow she was able to fit in classes at Turtle Bay Music School, and with Herbert Berghof and Uta Hagen, and with a certain Sula Serafini at the Ansonia up on the Upper West Side who became my voice teacher also. Anyway, the “Garden Apartment” was the place we slept together and not much else. We weren’t around enough to keep a cat. We tried but the creature got in trouble right away by bringing chicken-heads through the window that had been thrown into our garden by the Puerto Rican ladies who lived in the high apartment buildings surrounding our courtyard. All by way of saying I could stop at the White Horse whenever I liked for a couple of pints without angering a wife who was waiting for me at home. Often I got home before she did. In this legendary bar I learned that I could keep my mouth shut, drink stolidly and gain the acceptance of older literary types merely by acknowledging their references. Because I lived in the neighborhood and frequented the place without embarrassing anyone,
by Hannah Allen
by Jeff Putnam
blitzweekly.com
10 may 11 - 17, 2011
If you were to find the closest dictionary and look up the term “Dive Bar” you’d probably be pleasantly surprised with driving directions to an East Dallas favorite called The Goat. Advertised as a Blues Bar, this institution has been serving the cheapest Shiner Bock in town ($2.00 a bottle) for over 11 years. The first time I went there was shortly after I’d moved into the Lakewood neighborhood several years ago. In a situation that called for a dark room and stiff drink my husband, Paul, suggested we go to The Goat. I was, to say the least, hesitant. That first visit was pretty uneventful: old tables and straight-backed chairs, a small raised stage in one corner, tons of pool tables, neon signs decorating the walls and a mirrored full service bar. The next time we went I was with my husband and our friends Milo and Drew. We rolled up fairly late on a weekend night and were greeted by what my husband refers to as an “old-man-band” belting out a ZZ TOP song on the tiny stage. Milo was the head engineer at a local studio where Drew was recording a blues album and Paul had been recruited as the drummer for the project as a hired gun. All three guys are tremendously talented as well as highly entertaining company. Drew has always been serious about drinking and wasted no time getting down to business. Milo and I matched him glass for glass. When the band said they’d be taking a short break Milo, fueled by Tuaca Lemon Drops and Shiner Bock leaned over to Paul and said “You wanna play?” My husband, an extremely unassuming kind of man, knew that Milo was proposing something entirely unprofessional and probably pretty rude and laughed it off. But, when Milo gets in a mood to play it turns into an itch you watch him need to scratch until he gets a guitar into his hands. Once he gets one, brilliant things happen. Milo turned it into a bet saying that if he could get the three of them onstage they’d owe him a shot of Maker’s Mark, respectively. After a few hearty handshakes and laughs Milo, in his snakeskin boots and sunglasses, swaggered on over to the musicians having their smoke-break at the bar. Walking back over to me he said: “Paul, Drew, hand this lady your money,” gesturing to me. “I believe I have some shots coming my way. We have ten minutes.” Paul took off his cowboy boots and took his place behind the kit, Milo strapped on a bass guitar, and Drew picked up the Stratocaster that had been in the front man’s hands a few moments before. After dropping the shots at Milo’s feet I partook in soulful blues no one believed were impromptu creations from the younguns in front of them. A few tunes in they all rotated instruments. And a few tunes later they did it again. It had started as a skeptical 10 minutes but lasted well over an hour.
After this The Goat became more than just the prescribed place for cheap booze. Even my 25th birthday ended up there. The manager Marsha McCulluch says “We have a good time and we don’t have any trouble. And when we do – well, we get rid of it real quick!” She remembers vividly one night when we had a going-away party for a friend of ours. My brother came along wearing an army issue dress jacket with captain’s stripes on it just as a fashion statement. At some point in the evening an older gentleman walked over and yanked him out of the chair and started screaming at him about how he had no right to wear that coat, citing his own military service as criteria for his forceful opinion. He demanded my brother take the coat off. Luckily a member of our party had been in the Army years before. Standing at his full 6’5” our friend loudly reminded this guy that they’d both fought so this young man could have the right to wear that coat if he chose. Shamed, the old veteran walked over to the bar. Marsha and the other bartenders promptly escorted him out. A few months ago I had a few friends from Lubbock come into town. Since Dallas has passed a No Smoking edict we had to step outside to have a cigarette, which is, no pun intended, sort of a drag. The upside is you get to meet people you would normally miss out on by going onto the back deck. Our friends are college students at Tech and asked about the specials The Goat has. Drawing a blank I responded that I didn’t think they had any because everything is already so cheap. With a little research I found out that was pretty accurate. However, on Saturdays and Sundays they have $2 Wells and $3 Domestic long necks. Don’t think The Goat is limited to classic cover bands. Wednesday and Sunday is Karaoke in which you’ll find a mixed bag of local hipsters, American Idol wannabes and guys like my husband who insist on singing a Tom Jones song. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday are Open Blues Jams with Pete Barbeck – any curious musicians should check that out. You can get their signature drink, The Blaster, (equivalent to a Jager Bomb but served in a VERY frosty mug) any day any time for just $6.50. The Goat is located on Gaston Ave just before you reach East Grand. Hope to see you there!
may 11 - 17, 2011 11
1.
1.
The Pour House (1919 Skillman)
2.
Time Out Tavern (5101 W Lovers Ln.)
3.
The Single Wide (2110 Greenville Ave.)
4.
Cosmos (1212 Skillman St.)
5.
Lee Harvey’s (1807 Gould St.)
2. 3.
4.
@bronteerwin.com
This is the best place to watch a game when you really want to watch a game. The televisions are never stuck on the Asian Soccer League because the waitress thought guys like watching ESPN2. The bartenders here read the sports page and know which games should be on which TV. And the daily specials are just that; daily, and not from 4-6. The dollar tacos are better than you would think a dollar taco would be, and the chicken wings are the best in town. This place is like the place the cool older kid in high school lived. The walls are covered with sports memorabilia and dirty jokes, and it has all the cool stuff you can’t put in your own place: jukebox, billiards, shuffle board and video games. And like that kids place, there is nothing to eat except potato chips. But don’t worry, you can bring in Jack-in-the-Box or Lover’s Pizza “as long as you clean up your mess,” as the bartender said. Yeah. It is that cool. When the Windale Tavern closed this year, it was the first time some of the patrons had left the bar since the Kennedy assassination. It has re-opened as The Single Wide, essentially the non-music portion of The Double Wide. Anyplace with velvet Elvis paintings is a great place to drink, but what makes this narrow bar a good place to drink in is the bar is never more than an arm’s length away. I broke up with a girlfriend once and went here and watched Lolita. That would be creepy anywhere but here. Amazingly dark even with the huge window façade, the ambience is used furniture with every cool movie poster from the 70s. The food is the kind of stuff you give your drunken friend to sober up: pizza and hot dogs. Once the smokiest place in town, the outdoor smoking lounge looks like the place the Fat Albert Gang hung out to watch The Brown Hornet. Inside the TVs play the Quentin Tarantino movie library and boast the best jukebox in town. Some might think it unfair to call Lee Harvey’s a dive bar because the outside is a cross between a Dog Park and a Hill Country outdoor music venue. But this dog park comes with its own junk yard dog tied to his cage. The inside is legit, from the PBR in a can to the floors which look like it would be appropriate to spit tobacco juice on. Not sure if they actually have anything on the menu besides burgers.
5.
blitzweekly.com
by Bronte Erwin
A dive bar has the connotation of being a health code violation waiting to happen, but a good dive bar is a place where people know to order their drink and step the heck away from the bar. A place where you don’t have to shout to talk, but above all it is a place to drink. Really drink. So in no particular order these may be the five best places in Dallas to DRINK.
Out and about in DFW with Hannah Allen
by Jack E. Jett
The Grown-Up Paper Route
I
do distribution for a local paper (don’t tell my editor) as my day job and it takes me all over East Dallas. I’ve discovered some fabulous businesses I normally would not have been exposed to. I’ve also discovered ones that just might be fronts for shadier endeavors. Once, while dropping off papers to a deli that smells like floor cleaner and axle grease I was asked by the unnervingly skitzy clerk for a dollar. “Sorry, man,” I said. “I’d give it if I had it. I’ve got some pocket change if that would help.” He waited until I was in my car writing an email on my Blackberr y to knock on the window saying he’d take me up on the pocket change. It meant so much to him, he said, that he’d give me free food if I came back later that day. Judging by the skitziness I thought he’d probably forget. The next week the clerk, jumpy as ever, asked me if I was hungry – he hadn’t forgotten the quarters I’d given him. It was close to lunchtime so I glanced at the menu and asked what was good. He responded by asking if I drank regular, diet or just wanted water. When I told him a Coke would be fine he reached into what looked like a deep freezer way behind the counter announcing all he had was Dr Pepper. This was about the time it became obvious I would probably have to suffocate myself in order to stifle the nosy journalist within because 500 questions had just exploded into my brain. The clerk began to rant that he’d had to send his boss out a few minutes before because he’d come in and there was no food anywhere, not chips, not anything. And sure enough, I noticed for the first time, there wasn’t any food in the dining area – not even a saltshaker. Positive my tongue would have to be bitten off, I managed to thank the man, take my can of Dr Pepper and go about my day. Another place I ran into was a little ethnic restaurant that could only be accessed by going down a flight of stairs
below the street. The strip center it was located in was sketchy enough but I’m a city girl and like to think I can manage at least long enough to drop off a few papers. Once, the owner, a big Egyptian man with a booming voice asked me to write an exposé on his establishment’s horrific treatment by agencies like the Texas State Troopers, the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission and the Federal Government. I smiled and coolly told him I’d pitch it to the editor even though larger, more prestigious publications would be better equipped to tackle such a monster story. I arrived a little early the next week to find an irritated looking waitress locked out and sitting tight-lipped on the patio. She said she’d take the papers inside once the door was unlocked. I was late the following week, cursing myself for hitting this particular part of town smack in the middle of the lunch rush but when I tried to open the door I found it locked. Thinking passively that it was odd I put the papers on a patio table and turned to leave when I heard deadbolts unlocking behind the huge wooden door. I thought, maybe they were having a staff meeting or a bar-cleaning or any number of things but when the door opened slightly the manager appeared – and he didn’t bother to undo the chain on the inside of the door. Without a word he put out his hand, took the papers and just as silently closed the door. The sound of deadbolts being locked followed me up the stairs. I told my boss I was sorry to be “that girl” but I wasn’t cool going back there. While I’ve never felt the prickly warning of fear I have felt the vibe that I probably shouldn’t stick around. So I can’t say verifiably whether or not these places are human trafficking fronts or a marijuana kingpin’s pretend business. But I can say I find it terribly difficult not to take the pen out of my hair and start taking notes on the back of my hand.
Lt. Col. Pete Kilner has a doctorate from West Point and I became fascinated with him when I saw this PBS series about conscientious objectors. He has this ability to explain the pro-war view in layman’s terms that even an unconscious objector like me can understand. Welcome, Peter. I would say, having been there, I’m not pro-war. But I do believe at times that going to war and fighting a war is the right moral decision. Yes, no one likes to go, boy, I feel like a war today. Well, one of the things that I got out of this special is… some people just could not deal with killing, harming, hurting or being in an environment like that. And you refer to these people as pacifists. Is that right? Yes. They would be war pacifists. People who believe that violence in war is always wrong. Can I be against a particular war and not be a pacifist? Oh, absolutely. It would be crazy and wrong to say that all war is just. Probably worse [than thinking] fighting is never justified. The proper way to be thinking about war is that there should be a heavy burden of proof before you go to war because it involves killing, but at least some wars are morally justified… My particular research area in graduate school was the moral justification for killing in war. And because I write about it and talk about it and I’m a soldier, I regularly, weekly if not daily, talk to people who have killed about their experience. What did you think of the whole thing with Pat Tillman and Jessica Lynch stories? In terms of what aspects? I know that you write that COs get more book deals or that they’re considered more courageous and your gripe, understandably, is that, you know, the real heroes are those who stay
“Jett Streams”
blitzweekly.com
GOIN’PLACES
may 11 - 17, 2011 13
on the front lines and fight the war. But then this Pat Tillman story and the Jessica Lynch story seem to contradict that to some degree. No, I think they’re both cases of public relations gone wrong. Of course in the Jessica Lynch case the public affairs machine within the DOD made her out to be something she wasn’t, and in the Pat Tillman case, unfortunately, they told a story that wasn’t true. And the sad thing is we have hundreds and thousands of real heroes, and I’m actually writing a book about some of these people… Real heroes who are everyday doing their job… We should be telling their story. Here’s something I’ve noticed, watching it all reveal itself on TV. In the beginning the news was very pro-war, we’re going in there, we’re doing this, and then as time progressed we started seeing and hearing about what looked to be a lot of innocent collateral damage, a lot of innocent people being killed, and hearing about cover-ups and as in the case of Pat Tillman, never being able to get at the truth. Someone recently explained to me, who’d spent some time in Bosnia, and was very pro-military, that with regard to Iraq, we may never hear what went on there. We may never hear the real truth because people tend to cover up things they don’t want other people to know about. You know, it’s hard when you’re talking about a million and a half people in service in Iraq. Everything has broken down. One person’s reality of what they’re experiencing in Iskandariya will be different than Baghdad, different from Mosul. And one unit will be different from another. I was over in 2003, where all the media was positive and someone said something to me which was born out to be true: the media tend to be all or nothing. It’s never as good as they’re portraying it when it’s wonderful, and remember it won’t be as bad when they’re saying all is lost. That was a pretty prescient statement. You’re trying to take a very complex war and put it into your two-minute news report. And you have to have some thesis and some story line. The news media aren’t very good at capturing something so complex. I’m starting to wonder if the news media are any good for anything at all. [JETT STREAMS airs on Wednesday and Friday from 4 to 6 p.m. on rationalbroadcasting.com]
blitzweekly.com
14 may 11 - 17, 2011 One of my favorite fighters to talk to, and I’m not just saying that because he’s on the line, is a former UFC MIDDLEweight champion and current UFC light heavyweight fighter, Rich A. Franklin, returning. I know we’re pulling you away from ongoing royal wedding coverage… you’ll have to break away from that for a second. I do what I do. I’m on the edge of my seat. The anticipation is killing me. I do know you’re actually in the middle of filming a movie with Kevin James. You’re turning into a regular Randy Couture with these side acting projects. What’s going on with the Kevin James movie? Kevin’s doing a movie… He’s basically like a high-school teacher who’s addicted to comedy… But ends up taking in some MMA fights… I just basically have a cameo as myself in the movie and was on the set for two days up in Boston… and I’m back home now. (Laughs) Yeah, exactly. Of course UFC 129 is nigh upon us here, Rich. [Editor’s note: UFC 129 has taken place and Randy Couture was defeated by Lyoto Machida, but Rich Franklin’s ideas about that fight are still relevant.] I want to ask you something about that because it’s undoubtedly the biggest event in UFC history—55,000 people, sold out Toronto. And I always associate you with a very important night in the history of UFC which of course was the finale of the Ultimate Fighter Season One when Forrest Griffin and Stephan Bonnar fought, but you actually headlined the card with your victory over Ken Shamrock. Do you hearken back to anything like that, when in retrospect you’ve been a part of something historical? And seeing the UFC on the verge of maybe passing another milestone? Is there kind of a special connection there? Well, I don’t know if there’s a special connection because I’m not on the Milestone card. But it’s always great to be part of….like the Ultimate Fighter Season One finale, I was a part of that, which was a milestone for the UFC, and I’ve been a part of sellout crowds and the fastest selling out of arenas and all that kind of stuff when I’m headlining fights. So to see milestones surpassed, it’s a good feeling to know that the sport is just growing and growing. You know, I mentioned Randy Couture of course a second ago and he’s on the card, taking on Lyoto Machida and everybody’s wondering whether or not this will be Randy’s last fight. He says it will be. You know, you were mentioned last year as an opponent for Randy Couture and you ended up fighting Chuck Liddell instead. Is that one fight you’d like to have before Randy hangs it up? The fight with Randy was never something that I was pursuing. It was something that the UFC was interested in putting together. Then scheduling-wise things didn’t work out and Randy returned to filming and stuff like that. Then when the UFC wanted me to fight I ended up fighting Chuck and it threw everything off as far as schedules go. So that wasn’t something that I was pushing for or anything like that. Randy’s a friend of mine, too. We’re in a business where a lot of times you end up fighting guys you know and guys you consider friends and you have to push friendships aside for fifteen minutes a day.
may 11 - 17, 2011 15 blitzweekly.com
Pooch Power Shovel
Nothing says “disgrace” quite like bending over to get a nice big handful of your dog’s excrement. Avoid this unfortunate scene with the Pooch Power Shovel. Sporting a powerful, built-in electric vacuum, it sucks the nastiness up into a biodegradable three pound bag, making it capable of handling anything from a teacup Chihuahua to an English Mastiff. (Price – $100)
Breville Radio Toaster
We’re big fans of multi-functional gadgets — but we were still a bit surprised when we stumbled across the Breville Radio Toaster. Sporting a slightly retro design with a chrome and glossy black finish, the Radio Toaster also boasts two slots, variable browning control, reheat and defrost settings, an AM/FM tuner with 10 station presets, an integrated antenna, and an auxiliary input, making it quite possibly the world’s first iPadcompatible toaster. (Price - $80)
Epson MovieMate 85HD
Simplify and portable-ify your home theater setup by picking up the Epson MovieMate 85HD. Capable of 720p HD with 2,500 lumens of output — both color and white light — this mobile powerhouse also features a host of inputs, including HDMI, a built-in DVD player, integrated stereo speakers, a built-in handle, and an included carrying case. Pair it with an inexpensive outdoor screen, and you’ll have your very own drive-in for less than a grand. We’ve been super impressed with the one Epson sent to us, and plan to put it to good use during several outdoor showings this summer. (Price – $730)
by Jesse Whitman
Want to truly understand the secrets of the universe? Study cats, who are the real meditation masters. The Buddhist monks can only aspire to the deep meditation of a cat lying around enjoying the day. All of that annoying, nonsense chatter in our heads, the worry and repetitive thoughts that can take over and ultimately paralyze us from living in the moment, can oftentimes feel out of our control. Some may flee to an obscure Ashram in India or subscribe to a meditation philosophy to seek enlightenment, but I say just watch a cat relaxing for a couple of hours, as they are masters at achieving a state of nirvana. Although they don’t have all the worries of modern life such as work, kids, a mortgage payment, etc. we can at least aspire to come close to the cat’s perpetually sublime state of mind. We may think of ourselves as the more evolved species with all of our technological gadgets, especially GPS, but cats are masters at relaxation, and lucky for them, are covered in a soft and fuzzy blanket of fur. And with their built-in navigation system, which took us thousands of years of technological advancements to develop, they can never get lost, making “Lost Cat” signs kind of irrelevant. Whenever I see one, I know that the so-called missing cat actually wanted to get
“A Woman’s Perspective”
lost. Still, even the most enlightened beings have moments of vulnerability. The life of the cat is mostly full of endless days of relaxation and meditation, but you never know when a rogue dog can come charging through the yard, and at any given moment the living room can be full of chaos from their human family. And then there are also interpersonal relationships with other cats, which are very similar to human interactions. The reason I know this is because I was unemployed for a few months and so I spent most of that time studying my cat Fast Eddie from my front porch. His girlfriend was this cute little gray fluff ball who was obsessed with Eddie. They would play together all day and then at night his special cat friend would sleep outside my door and wait for him all night. She even tried to sneak into the house a few times, but I forbid any sleep-overs. I had to set some basic boundaries, especially since I didn’t want a strange cat in the house. The honeymoon phase, however, was short-lived because she was too obsessed with Eddie and would follow him everywhere, even to the point of being right there in his face at all times. Eddie finally broke down and couldn’t take it anymore. Cats need space and she wouldn’t stop invading Eddie’s, so he would take a few swats at her
to show his annoyance. This went on for a few days, and then finally I didn’t see her for awhile and Eddie went back to his old solitary ways. She would show up every few months to hang out with Eddie, but eventually she stopped coming around at all, and even now, Eddie has never been able to get along with any other cats. Cats are also like women because they are very selective of how and where they are petted and by whom. So, if a cat actually lets you be affectionate towards it, it kind of makes you feel special, like you are one of the few whose adoration is worthy. Just like the Buddhist masters, the cat’s throne only admits the approach of those special ones who respect and honor the sanctity of a lazy cat. Whenever I need a reminder of how life should be lived, all I have to do is watch my cat relaxing on a summer evening. The wisdom of Fast Eddie, who is now Fat Eddie, should never be underestimated.
blitzweekly.com
16 may 11 - 17, 2011
Warehouseman /Meatpacker Dear BLITZbudsman: My job’s not in danger at this place, but my life is. Don’t worry, no one is trying to get rid of me because he wants my job. This is an open shop and everyone knows I’m a union guy. Give you an example: the dock where we take in ground meat? That stuff comes in on the floor above the main warehouse floor (we’re on a hill). The trucks have got liftgates, so getting the meat to where I can wrassle it downstairs is the easy part. But it comes in garbage cans and each one weighs, dunno, near half a ton. And I got no two-wheeler or pallet jack—don’t want one or the can of ground would get away from me. See, I slide those cans on the grease buildup. Not a pretty picture: that can picks up speed on the long ramp down, and I’m running in place to kind of herd the sucker toward the center of the ramp so we don’t go off together. There’s no railing and if I went off the side and that can came down on top of me, I’d be the dead meat. Also, the lights are always out. If something happened to me, no one would hear my screams—scream— because all the saws are screaming too, and so are the men. Those butchers got nothing to say to each other, even if they could speak the same language. Hanging around them you realize they’re only talking to themselves and think it’s unmanly or something for the saws to drown them out. The real animals are in the corned beef room—really the room for anything in brine. Those butchers have gloves to wear so the salt doesn’t ruin their hands, but anyone who doesn’t get his hands in the brine is called a pu$$y. Guys starting out always get their hands all red and cracked. When they tried that sh!t with me, I told them they could go f**k themselves, and that’s how I got the ground beef detail, the most dangerous job. Only one person does it, and it wouldn’t surprise me if I fell off that ramp one day, and the ground beef didn’t, and I came down on a mushy pile of flesh and bones that was the body of the last guy they had on ground beef. The money’s good, no complaints there. And we supply the best hotels in town. It lifts my spirits to know that billionaires are forking up tiny bites of the crap in my garbage cans. Now with an election coming up one of the corned beef guys told me he had something to show me. From a big barrel in a dark room he fished up the head of a guy by his hair. He asked me how long I thought that guy’s head had been in there?
How the hell should I know? I told him. Did he look like a Teamster? he wanted to know. No, but we’re in a bad part of town and they could have used a drunk from one of the alleys around here to send the message. Anyway, I went down to my local and asked to be reassigned. by Richard S. Pollak
“The Traveling Gourmet”
Whiskey Cake 3601 Dallas Parkway, Plano – 75093 PH: 972-993-2253 www.whiskey-cake.com
Both dispatchers started grinning and told me, no way. What’s going on? I asked them. What’s so funny? Nobody gets out of that place alive, they told me. I could resign from the union, but then I’d be a marked man. I can’t afford to relocate at the moment. You seem like someone who’s been around and I thought you might tell me straight: what are my chances? – Curious
Dear Curious: Terrible, unless you leave everything cold. Leave your jeans in the closet with the tallow on them and your work gloves jammed in a pocket. Leave your babies squalling in the crib and your wife scrubbing pots with her ponytail bouncing against her back like a huge question mark. Leave her all your money—this is important—and start drifting. There are lots of you out there. Blend in. Write to the BLITZbudsman at blitzbudsman@blitzweekly.com
Whiskey Cake is America’s next great restaurant! Bobby Flay is wasting his time with his new reality TV show. If I had 50 million dollars, I’d invest in a chain of Whiskey Cake Restaurants and the crowds at Whiskey Cake prove my theory. When you combine the hottest trend of “farm fresh to the table,” by bringing the freshest and ripest right from local Texas farms, then expertly prepare dishes with herbs grown right in the restaurant’s own side garden, plus a major whiskey bar and then feature The Dallas Morning News’ Best Dessert: Whiskey Cake, you have a winner! We were sampling the “Elixirs,” specialty drink after specialty drink without even cracking their “Browns” list of over 60 Whiskeys, Bourbons and Scotches like a $120.00 25-yearold Macallan or a $60.00 25-yearold Highland Park. I preferred the Guava Gimlet with fresh juices and the Caibirinha, a Brazilian Rum Mojito to the Secretariat Margarita made with fresh homemade horseradish or a Maple Syrup Whiskey Smash. Well into my comfort zone after several libations the food started to arrive. I don’t eat fried green tomatoes and I will never eat a mussel, but when the stack of golden brown fried tomatoes came to our table along with a steaming bowl of mesquite grilled mussels, I could not resist! Both were so flavorful and especially the aroma of the mesquite smoked chili butter with tasso, which I won’t even share as I literally drank down the sauce and forked every morsel of mussel into my mouth. The main plates are strong, as both the Holmes Farm Bird (chicken) and the
Mesquite Grilled Redfish Entrees were sensational. I so wanted to try the Sweet Potato Fennel Hash which was perfectly sauced with a Roasted Shallot Herb Jus. It acted like a stage on the plate for the half spit-roasted chicken which sat atop it. The Redfish was moist and tender while its skin was perfectly crisp over a base of local, farm-raised orzo, spinach and tomatoes that was covered with parmesan and a citrus-butter vinaigrette. We had to save room for The Dallas Morning News’ Best Dessert in DFW’s Whiskey Cake! You have to have a damned great dessert to name your entire restaurant after it! I was so blown away by the Whiskey Cake that I literally ran back into the kitchen to hug Executive Chef T.J. Lengnick. I wanted to be the first food writer in DFW to discover the Whiskey Cake and then see if we could have a write-in vote for Best Desserts in Dallas. No need; my food critic bud, Leslie Brenner from the DMN had already made the successful discovery! This is the best happy hour spot on the Tollway and before the restaurant was even packed for its Friday night happy hour, I noticed that every bar stool was filled with folks eating full dinners as they stared into the open kitchen. I was curious, only to find out the reason was that if you sit at the bar, you can get free homemade beef jerky. What a country! What atmosphere! The home-style décor plays great with community tables, sofas and booths along with the waiters dressed as farm boys who reminded me of a country-style Hooters. In my opinion Whiskey Cake has it all: atmosphere, great food, an awesome bar and a damned great dessert. That is what makes the Whiskey Cake the next best restaurant in DFW!
HORRORSCOPES
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
Although the economy and job market are in the doldrums you shouldn’t feel so bad. Even if things were perfect no one would hire you. Go back to watching infomercials.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 21)
FUNNIES
All signs point for you to have a nice quiet, uneventful week. Unfortunately we disagree. Whatever your plans are, put them on hold and stay at home. Do not go to the dive bar.
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in? A: ”Have another beer.”
Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
This is a great time for you to start new projects as long as they do not involve a screw driver, hammer or band saw.
Q: How can you tell if a woman is happy? A: Who cares? Q: Did you hear about the new Divorce Barbie? A: It comes with all of Ken’s stuff! Going To Las Vegas A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going, and she replied, “I’m going to Las Vegas.” He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free.” He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife. She said, “And just where do you think you are going?” He replied, “I’m going too.” “Why?” she asked. He said, “I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year.”
blitzweekly.com
JOKES
may 11 - 17, 2011 17
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22) ACROSS:
1. Salaries 6. Awestruck 10. Heaviness 14. Lacquer ingredient 15. A type of hair style 16. Part of an archipelago 17. The state of being clean 19. Epidermis 20. Wobble 21. French for “Summer” 22. Canvas dwelling 23. Elan 25. Having a specified value 26. Smack 30. One who modifies written material 32. Guarantee 35. Specified 39. Esteem 40. Ebb 41. Disinform 43. Guts 44. Go to 46. Misplaced 47. Strike down 50. Achievements 53. “The Way We ___”
54. VCR button 55. Cherubim 60. Winged 61. Antibacterial drug 63. Prefix meaning “After” or “Beyond” 64. Russian emperor 65. It’s a part of life 66. Rind 67. Arid 68. Pilot
DOWN:
1. Where the sun sets 2. Wings 3. Heredity carrier 4. Radiate 5. Locations 6. Rodent 7. Far away from home 8. It’s needed for body building 9. Sound 10. Belonging to the past 11. Glacial ridge 12. A hard kind of stone 13. One worse than ninth 18. Paintings 24. Nevertheless
25. Adult females 26. Propelled oneself through water 27. Dry riverbed 28. Weapons 29. Involving three parties 31. Shredded 33. Mountain crest 34. Tidy 36. A Roman emperor 37. Tallies 38. In order that not 42. Protection from harm 43. Actress Lupino 45. Ambrosia 47. Wetland 48. Donnybrook 49. Angered 51. Bar bill 52. Inhale audibly through the nose 54. Rodents 56. Objective 57. Decorative case 58. Connects two points 59. Cicatrix 62. Outrage
That lot off of Gaston Avenue is still vacant. You’ll finally be able to build the home of your dreams now that you can afford blankets and towels.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
As you know, love may mean different things to different people. But for you it means only one thing: free meals and a movie.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
The importance of a good night’s sleep will be put aside once you realize the importance of a good set of shovels and a hack saw.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’re the kind of person who considers himself open to all sorts of new experiences as long as it involves drinking beer, eating hot wings and flat screen televisions.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Don’t feel bad when the Chinese woman at the buffet cuts you off for that one last plate you wanted. She’ll explain that it’s a “lunch buffet” and not an “all-day buffet.”
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
This just in. You’ll finally get around to making that business phone call to that toll-free number after this important message from our sponsor.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’ll be so busy remodeling your “mancave” that you’ll hardly notice the dreaded specter of your own mortality.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
No amount of money can solve your current problems which is kind of funny since they’re all based on food, shelter and transportation.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Things will slowly start to return normal in your life this week. Which by all accounts isn’t necessarily a good thing. Just remember to say, “Would you like that Super-sized?”
blitzweekly.com
18 may 11 - 17, 2011 by Pat Moran
“Man on his Throne”
THE DRAFT
As much of a football fan as I am, there is just something about the draft that I can’t get behind. I always look forward to it every year but am left with a headache when it finally shows up. Being a fan of teams that are on a seemingly endless losing streak, the draft has always been something that was supposed to be a bright spot on the calendar. We were supposed to reload our depleted rosters and have a shot at next year. But I’m over it now. I’m so burnt out on the draft coverage that my head is about to explode. Even now, when the draft has already taken place, the coverage keeps going on and on and on. The TV is filled with countless nerdy stat-jockeys and overweight former players who sit and stare, dead-eyed, in to the camera and repeat meaningless phrases about players you’ve never heard of.
For example: “I’ll tell ya, he knows how to play ball. His football IQ is off the charts. He plays with as much heart as anybody. He has the physical skills to play at a higher level, but some scouts raise character questions about his time at school. No matter what, his upside is unquestionable.” Yep, that good ol’ Upside. It doesn’t really feel like that is even a word. It’s just a generic way of saying “Yeah, he probably could be good, but he might be bad.” Every so-called “expert” throws these damned phrases about like it’s intelligible analysis, when it’s really just an assortment of random adjectives and descriptions. The truth is, nobody knows. Every year hundreds of players are drafted and only some actually make a difference. An even smaller number actually manage to stay relevant. They hardly ever solve any real problems on the field. If I have to sit through another second of post-draft analysis, I think I’m going to explode. I really do. I know that with the lockout dropping its proverbial deuce onto America’s favorite sport, there isn’t much else to talk about, but it’s still too much. There really is no upside to it at all.