Blitz Weekly

VOL. 3 - ISSUE 38

3

Come and Get It

BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: Beastie Boys Return 5 Mavs/Vigilantes News 6-7 Rangers News 8 COVER STORY: Golf Guide Interview With John Daly 9 DFW Courses You Have To Play 10-11 Hot New Golf Gadgets 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Courtney 12 Offbeat Groupies 13 Surviving A Breakup 13 UFC 130 Preview 14 The Jettstream 14 Blitz Toys 15 A Day In The Park 15 Food Review: De Rice Thai Cuisine 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Can This Job Be Saved?

18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam PHOTO EDITOR Darryl Briggs COVER Cover Photography: Kevin Jacobson Cover Model: Stacy STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors, Matt Pearce CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Yu-Ping Chen, Pam Cladakis, Manny Flores, Mike James, Diether, James, mintlipgloss STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Jack E. Jett, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Hannah Allen, Brian Beard, Raymond Bloomquist, Andrew J. Hewett, Jon Sullivan, Ethan B. Szatmary CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com

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A resident of Ford Heights, a suburb south of Chicago, came to the attention of the Cook Country Sheriff’s office when they learned that he was keeping an alligator in his kitchen under inhumane conditions.

Dewayne Yarbrough, 43, explained that the animal attracted women. At this point

in the story police were probably yawning.

Women these days seem increasingly attracted to exotic animals, particularly when they assume human shape, dress outlandishly, warble and wiggle in front of crowds, etc.

Other boring details came to light in Yarbrough’s version of events. He’d bought the alligator for $200 five years ago in Indiana, Illinois, and it had grown bigger and bigger.

But wait… Why was the beast only four feet long after all these years? Why was the tank in Yarbrough’s kitchen so small?

Yarbrough explained that he’d kept the size of his alligator down by feeding it only ten live mice each month. But how did he know that alligators had to be four feet long to attract women? (They can reach 14 feet as adults.) For the same reason that Chinese women once bound their feet?

The animal is now being cared for by an animal welfare group in Chicago. It would not surprise us to learn that someday Yarbrough, too, will be held in small tank, fed a barely adequate diet, and find himself going through the motions of life while going nowhere.

What kind of relationship did he expect to have with women who were attracted by alligators? This is the deep mystery that has yet to be solved, and Yarbrough isn’t saying.

“Mystic” digs his own grave

English pedophilia gained the world’s attention with Lewis Carroll, but Alice’s Wonderland was a truly magical place and Carroll was a discreet man, whether or not his seeming obsession with young female children crossed the line into psychopathology.

National pride may be protecting him to some extent because he was not only a literary genius but a genius inventor, great teacher and loyal friend to others in the British literary and scientific firmament.

William Lambert, 74, deserves no such protection or rehabilitation. As reported in The Mirror, Lambert, an erstwhile British gravedigger, decorated a church shed with mystical symbols and then raped or sexually assaulted four girls between the ages of 11 and 15 back in the 1980s.

He secured his reputation as someone with special knowledge of “the other side” by burning incense in his shed, promising the girls special powers and assaulting them on a gravestone. The prosecutor at his trial claimed that these young girls merely wanted attention and it’s well-known that prepubescent girls, about to play the crucial attraction games that might lead to marriage, often have need of special powers. The girls may not have completely understood what was happening because he had hung a red sheet between himself and the girls while violating them.

Through 17 years of evidence-gathering and two trials police tried to bring Lambert to justice but had no real break in the case until a woman in a counseling session revealed details of what had happened. Her version of the assault was then compared to other victims’ versions—women who had not known each other as adults.

Lambert was eventually convicted of one count of rape, two counts of indecent assault and two counts of procuring girls to have sexual intercourse by deception and of course the town of Cheam in Greater London was rocked by the results.

Andrew J. Hewett

www.chewednews.com

SCATTERED FRIENDSHIP

Marlon Thomas, 35, and Noe Morin, 32, had been close buddies for many years until Morin decided to separate Thomas.

When Houston police were called on May 15, 2011, they found Thomas’ head and arm inside a trash bag outside a vacant house, and the rest of his remains in the back yard next door. Morin was arrested and charged with murder.

PUFF, PUFF, DIE

According to CBS News, hoping to increase tobacco tax revenue, Russia’s financial minister, Alexei Kudrin, suggested: “Smoking a pack of cigarettes means you are giving more to help solve social problems.” But: 1. Some 44 million – 31% – of Russia’s population smoke; 2. 330,000 to 400,000 Russians die each year from tobacco-related diseases; 3. Between 1989-2008, Russian’s male life expectancy dropped from age 64 to 59, primarily due to increased tobacco consumption, while Western Europeans reached an average 77 years of life; 4. Russia’s productivity losses due to smoking-related premature mortality were RUB 671.6 billion ($24.7 billion US) each year.

FATAL COMPETITION

International news reports on Aug. 8, 2010, told of Vladimir Ladyzhensky facing off against Timo Kaukonen in the heat-tolerance competition of Finland’s annual World Sauna Championship. But when the temperature inside the wellinsulated room reached 110 degrees C. (230 degrees F.) in just six minutes, both men were horribly burned and Ladyzhensky died en route to the hospital. All future competition was then canceled.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Golf is the closest game to the game we call life.”

– Bobby Jones Photo Courtesy: Kellar & White

4

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with Zach Galifianakis

by Vivian Fullerlove

It’s the movie all you guys have been waiting for. Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Justin Bartha, Zach Galifianakis and yes, even Mike Tyson, are back together again for The Hangover II. This time the fellows are taking the Far East by storm! Part Two picks up right where the first one left off.

Right after the bachelor party in Las Vegas, Phil, Stu, Alan, and Doug jet to Thailand for Stu’s wedding. Stu’s plan for a subdued pre-wedding brunch, however, goes seriously awry. Go figure! I caught up with the extremely funny Zach Galifianakis who talked about working with director Todd Phillips and why he almost didn’t come back home.

So, the gang is back together again. Was the chemistry still there for all you guys this time around? We’ve all stayed in touch. We go to dinners, and they come over to my house. We hang out. Between the two movies we’d see each other from time to time; so it didn’t take much to get back into the rhythm. My character is so one-dimensional that it didn’t take much. He was just the dumb guy that mouth-breathes and says “really”—so that was really easy to do.

The Hangover was one of the most popular movies of the year when it came out. Do you think lightning will strike twice for you guys? I think this one, the sequel, has upped the ante as far as action, and you know, the extremes of how much Todd (director Todd Phillips) likes to push things.

We were shooting a scene for the second one, and I hear Todd say “cut,” and then he goes, “that might even be too much for me

“Entertainment’s Real Critic”

to put in a movie!” Todd’s sense of humor and—I can speak for myself—my sense of humor are very similar in certain ways.

It’s all about trying to surprise an audience, and not to telegraph a joke unnecessarily, and when a joke hits you and you don’t expect it, I think Todd and I really like the unexpected.

It’s obvious that you have a great deal of respect for Todd Phillips.

What is it about him that makes him such a great director to work with? I don’t understand how he does it—keep track of all that stuff in his head— but he does. It will be something small like “don’t say that word because it won’t match up with two scenes from now.” He just keeps track of all those things that a director has to keep up with. I think the difference between a good comedy director and one that’s not so good is that Todd also lets the actors have freedom to try things out, and sometimes he likes it, and sometimes he doesn’t.

The Hangover II was shot almost entirely in Bangkok. What was it like filming in such an exotic location? I didn’t really want to come back because I thought that I might be bored when I got back to the United States. Bangkok is the most unboring place, I just loved it. The people were just the best there. They really, really are the best.

The Hangover II opens nationwide this week. The film is rated R for all the same reasons as The Hangover and maybe even a few more!

Jon Sullivan - www.movietobo.com

PRIEST

The backstory must be understood before describing Priest, the new sci-fi/alternate history/action movie starring Paul Bettany: vampires are eyeless monsters who have been at war with human beings ever since time began. The Church trains a group of warriors known as “Priests” to take them down. With the menace supposedly wiped out, these Priests are thrust back into society to the scorn of the rest of the population.

Now that we’re up to speed, here’s the plot: a former warrior priest known as Priest (Bettany) breaks his vow to The Church to never fight again and heads out into the wastelands to rescue his niece (Lili Collins, daughter of Phil) who has been kidnapped.

Joined by a young sheriff from a wasteland outpost (Cam Gigandet), the two discover that the vampires are forming a new army led by the first-ever human vampire, known only as Black Hat (Karl Urban).

A hodge-podge of cliches and “been there done that” story arcs, Priest does the unthinkable and manages to create something that has its own original look and feel.

And it’s definitely an interesting world the movie creates: the main city, Cathedral City, looks like something straight out of Blade Runner, while all the outposts resemble the Wild West, complete with a medicine man (Brad Dourif, sadly wasted in this role).

But the look is almost all Priest has going for it. At 80 minutes, the movie doesn’t

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last long enough for you to get to know the characters or for you to even soak soak up anything that’s happening. The acting is also atrocious, from Bettany’s terrible Clint Eastwood impression to Gigandet’s everything. Only Urban escapes unscathed. His Black Hat is a fun character, despite being a villain who barely does anything villainous.

The action scenes in Priest are entertaining. These scenes won’t make your heart race but they allow the movie to keep from falling into a pit of despair and tedium. Some of the more ludicrous elements, like Bettany’s use of crosses that double as ninja throwing stars will make you laugh in either the right way or the wrong way.

As with so many movies these days, Priest will give pleasure to people with a certain mindset.

Priest has an interesting premise and sets up an intriguing and visually appealing world, but is hampered by its short running time and horrible script. The acting is below average to say the least, and although the more ridiculous elements keep it from being a total waste, it’s nothing that anyone needs to spend money on in a movie theater. This is more of a “nothing’s better on TV right now, so why not?” watch, but if you do go to the theater, see it in 3D; it actually makes the experience more fun, believe it or not.

5

“Sounds From The Way Out”

Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

3. Too Many Rappers

Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

4. Say It

Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

5. Long Burn The Fire

Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

6. Funky Donkey

Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

7. Tadlock’s Glasses

Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

8. Lee Majors Come Again

Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

9. Pop Your Balloon

Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

10. B-Boys In The Cut

Growing up in the suburbs in the 1980s, all good little Jewish boys had two things in common – a bar mitzvah and a copy of the Beastie Boys’ License to Ill. There weren’t too many cool things about being Jewish, and other than the old, “Fonzie’s Jewish!” argument, the only thing we had was the Beastie Boys. Rauche as MCA, Adam Horowitz as Ad Rock, and Mike Diamond as Mike D gave Jews street cred in ways they hadn’t known since the days of Meyer Lansky and Benny Siegel.

The Beastie Boys weren’t just a bunch of posers like Dallas’ own Vanilla Ice, but were well-respected rappers who were coming up with hysterically funny rhymes and their own style. Hell, “You Gotta Fight for Your Right (To Party)” might be the only words of social protest spoken in a popular song during the 80s.

Over the years, as other rap acts have gotten stale or stiff (in many cases literally), the Beastie Boys kept plugging along and putting out inventive and rockin’ albums.

They’re not boys anymore, but they’ve continued being beasts.

That’s why it was so hard two years ago, when Rauche announced that he had developed a tumor on one of his salivary glands, and that the Boys were canceling the rest of their dates for 2009. Hard news because they were scheduled to open the Austin City Limits festival with Pearl Jam closing – almost a dream show for me. I was concerned about whether or not I’d ever see the Beastie Boys or hear any new tunes again.

However, with Rauche’s cancer in remission, the Boys went back into the studios, finished Hot Sauce Committee, and released the new single “Make Some Noise,” complete with the raucous 30-minute video starring half of Hollywood. The album is insanely good, mixing an old-school sound with tunes that seem both new and familiar.

And the video is one of the greatest of all time. I don’t want to give any of it away. Go to hulu, look it up under “You’ve Gotta Fight for Your Right to Party (Revisited).”

I will say this: it starts with Elijah Wood as Ad Rock, Danny McBride as MCA, and Seth Rogen as Mike D coming out of the apartment where the original “Fight for Your Right (To Party)” video was shot. Wood plays Ad Rock like he’s looking for an Oscar nom, nailing all of his facial expressions and general childish essence. As the camera pans up the stairs leading to the room, you get the feeling something big is about to happen, and the rest of the video doesn’t let you down. You’ll find yourself bobbing your head and singing along with “Make Some Noise” by the end. There are 46 different actors listed in the credits, and 40 of them are people you know by name. I had to watch it three times before I could find everyone, and I’m still not 100-percent sure I’ve spotted Milo Ventimiglia, who was on Heroes and played Rocky’s kid in Rocky Balboa – by far the funniest Rocky movie.

The video culminates with a confrontation between the young Beasties and their old dopplegangers, with Will Ferrell playing Ad Rock, Jack Black as MCA, and John C. Reilly as Mike D. Only a couple of warnings: first, make sure you have 30 minutes of free time, because you’ll want to pay attention. Many of the cameos have no lines and appear only for an instant. Second, don’t watch this at work.

The language is foul, and you will attract attention at the end with your guffaws and tears of hilarity.

I sent my buddy Matt in New York City a link to the video, and his boss was soon in his office wondering what all of the cackling was about. Good thing Matt’s boss had a sense of humor… and had grown up in the 1980s: a nice Jewish boy from the suburbs.

Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

Thur 5/26

Rock of Ages Winspear Opera House – Dallas Never mind the “shell” story. This show summarizes an era (80s pop) with songs by Journey, Foreigner, Bon Jovi, Pat Benatar, REO Speedwagon, etc. Remember and relive it.

Murder at the Orient Burlesque Cox Building Playhouse – Plano The scantily clad heroine has been shot, poisoned, stabbed, electrocuted and strangled. In downtown Plano? Reason enough for a visit.

Fri 5/27

2. Nonstop Disco Powerpack

Wed 5/25

Amber Does Dallas Lakewood Theater – Dallas Cult films The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Repo! The Genetic Opera will be shadow cast and wild audience participation is encouraged.

Get drunk first.

Sat 5/28

Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

The Quebe Sister Band Levitt Pavilion – Arlington Krum’s gift to the world, these girls are great exponents of Texas fiddle music, sing like angels, are drop-dead gorgeous and the concert is free. What are you waiting for?

Sun 5/29

Ronny Cox Unitarian Universalist Church of Oak Cliff One of the dueling banjos in Deliverance, Ronny Cox went on to play scores of parts in movies and, almost casually, to release more iconic music. A great way to spend ten bucks.

Mon 5/30

MUSIC: Beastie Boys 1. Make Some Noise

2011 USA Volleyball Open Championships Dallas Convention Center – Dallas One of the largest national championships in any U.S. sport. Remember the women’s teams that got your attention at the Olympics? ’Nuff said.

Tues 5/31

by Ethan B. Szatmary

Tuxedo Junction Dallas Arboretum – Dallas Stretch out your blanket on the grassy slope, bring or buy your picnic, bring booze even, and listen to great big band sounds with 70% vocals. Life is good.

If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com

6

MAVS News

by Geoff Case

“NBA Analyst”

galloping through post-season The Mavericks finally showed the Oklahoma City Thunder how valuable savvy veteran leadership can be in a breathtaking Game Four victory on the road. The Mavericks didn’t get much help from the officials but they should not expect to get any calls after witnessing the effect the rowdy crowd in Portland had on the officiating. Despite all the obstacles, the defense and epic performances from Dirk Nowitzki kept this team on an even keel and stole two games from the Thunder on their home floor.

Storm brewing in OKC The Thunder’s inexperience has shown through many times and has been the difference in the series. In crucial situations the shot selection has been very questionable, especially from their young point guard.

Russell Westbrook’s inability or lack of desire to get Kevin Durant the ball has to be alarming if you’re a Thunder fan. Looking forward, you’d have to wonder if the chemistry will ever evolve for these two.

They seem to be always scowling at each other and Durant is visibly frustrated at times at the lack of ball movement. They claim they are best friends off the court but on the court they appear to be mortal enemies. Westbrook will dribble the air out of the ball and totally ignore his teammates and drive the ball towards the basket while Durant sulks in the corner. It’s a nightly occurrence and it’s got to be obvious to the team that it’s killing their offense late in game.

The blame shouldn’t be solely placed on Westbrook. He’s not a natural point guard, nor did he even run the point in college, so they shouldn’t expect him to run the offense efficiently, especially against one of the greatest floor generals of all time. Jason Kidd’s basketball intelligence has been killing Westbrook late in games, causing him to make bad passes and out-of-control drives to the basket. Let’s take an example from crunch time in Game Four: Kidd stripped Westbrook as he went up for a shot with just over a minute left in overtime, then took a pass from Nowitzki, pump-faked to get Westbrook in the air and stepped up and drilled a 3-pointer to put Dallas up 108-105 with 40.3 seconds left. The experience factor was something that was a major factor heading into the series and it’s been ringing true game after game.

Moving forward Game Four will be a defining moment in this series and may have splintered the young Thunder’s confidence, so it will be interesting to see how they react. “There’s no doubt it was a tough loss,” Oklahoma City coach Scott Brooks said. “If this loss did not hurt, there’s no such thing as a loss that can hurt you.” Moving forward it will be very difficult for the Thunder to rebound and win the series. Only two teams have come back from 3-1 deficits in NBA history without the benefit of home-court advantage in Game Seven—Houston in the 1995 West semifinals and Boston in the 1968 East finals. This is where Oklahoma City’s inexperience might come in handy.

Something that can’t be overlooked is that the overall nature of these Mavericks has changed. The “soft” label is almost laughable after watching this team in the postseason. The Tyson Chandler/Brendan Haywood combo is making dribble penetrators lose sleep and the perimeter defense of Kidd, Marion, and Stevenson is suffocating.

They are simply playing better right now than any other team this postseason and keep coming up with big wins. The defensive rotations are crisp, the passing is impeccable, and Dirk Nowitzki is blowing our minds.

7

by Raymond Bloomquist

Vigilantes News

Leading the Way

In the first half of the Arena Football League season, Dallas Vigilante defensive back Chris LeFlore is doing everything one could ask of a rookie – and then some.

In 10 games, LeFlore has led the Vigilante defense with 55.5 total tackles, four interceptions, and 14 pass break-ups. The Northwest Missouri State product has been quite impressive in his first stint in the AFL, and for LeFlore, there’s definitely no room for complacency. “It’s great where I’m at right now, but it is a continual process,” LeFlore said. “The season doesn’t just end after 10 games. You have to keep progressing and move forward.”

And moving forward is definitely something on LeFlore’s mind, as the young defensive back has his eyes on something big once his time in the AFL is over. “The NFL is definitely the goal for me,” LeFlore said. “I have a great agent who is working hard, and just as important, I’m working hard, too. God willing, I know I’ll eventually be there, but for now, I’m going to do everything I can to help the Vigilantes win a championship. But no matter what, though, I know I just have to keep working hard.

That’s the most important thing.”

LeFlore’s efforts are also noticed by his teammates, including some of the veteran secondary. In the first half of the season, the Vigilante corner’s side of the field has

Crossword Solution

“Arena Football Fanatic”

acquired the name of LeFlore’s Resort. “We were all talking during one of our pre-game meals, I think it was after the Milwaukee game, and one of our players said my side of the field was like [Darelle] Revis Island,” LeFlore said.

“They were going to start calling it LeFlore Island, until [Jason] Harmon came up with LeFlore’s Resort. It had a nice twist to it, and it was something I could call my own, so the name stuck.”

Now just a game outside of first place in the Central Division, LeFlore and the rest of the 6-4 Dallas Vigilantes are ready to get things back on track after a tough loss to the Chicago Rush (7-3) Sunday afternoon.

The loss dropped Dallas out of first place in the division, but with eight games left, including another contest at home against the current division leading Rush, the division championship and a postseason berth are clearly within reach for the second-year organization.

The Vigilantes return to the friendly confines of the American Airlines Center Saturday night to battle the expansion Pittsburgh Power (5-4). Dallas is 4-0 at home on the season, and looks to continue that winning streak come Saturday night. Tickets are available by calling 877.554.3668 or by visiting dallasvigilantes.com.

NBA: Thunder vs. Mavericks

Wed. May 25 – 8:00PM – American Airlines Center – ESPN

The Western Conference Finals return to Dallas for Game Five. Dallas is up 3-1 in the series and a win away from the NBA Finals.

The team literally stole Game Four from the young Thunder. Dirk has been spectacular throughout the playoffs but it truly has been a team effort. The Thunder will not go out quietly so expect to see the best from their squad.

NBA: Heat vs. Bulls

Thur. May 26 – 7:30PM – United Center – TNT

The Bulls were down 2-1 after Sunday night and had lost back-to-back playoff games.

Even though they kept LeBron and Wade in check the Bulls had no answer for Chris Bosh.

The Bulls need Boozer and Rose to step up in order to win. Game Five at the United Center should be a chippy game.

IRL: Indianapolis 500

Sun. May 29 – 11:00AM – Indianapolis Motor Speedway – ABC

The race celebrates the 100th anniversary of the first Indianapolis 500 (1911) even though this is the 95th actual race. The race is being billed as “The Most Important Race in History” and will be the last Indy 500 with the current chassis and aspirated engine system in place. Alex Tagliani has the pole position and Ana Beatriz brings up the rear.

MLB: Royals vs. Rangers

Sun. May 29 – 3:05PM – Rangers Ballpark – FSSW

The last game of the homestand before the Rangers head east to Tampa. With Nelson Cruz and Josh Hamilton having returned earlier in the week, the offense should be good to go. The Royals send out LHP Danny Duffy who made his debut last week against the Rangers. The Rangers have Alexi Ogando on the mound.

RANGERS

MAVS

8

RANGERS News

by Mark Miller

“The Dallasite from the North”

pitching comes to the rescue Despite losing three straight games and four of seven on last week’s road trip, the Texas Rangers remained tied for the American League West Division lead thanks to their starting pitching.

Shutout efforts by Colby Lewis and Matt Harrison started and ended the week and the Rangers didn’t allow any more than four runs in between. Yielding just 15 runs against the Chicago White Sox, Kansas City Royals and Philadelphia Phillies, the Rangers lowered the team earned run average to 3.65.

Lewis opened the week with the second complete game shutout of his career when he yielded five hits in a 4-0 win over Chicago. He pitched well again Saturday in a 2-0 loss to former teammate Cliff Lee in Philadelphia. Harrison also gave up just five hits in eight and onethird innings in a 2-0 Sunday victory over Phillies star Roy Oswalt.

Alexi Ogando and Derek Holland nearly matched those efforts Wednesday and Thursday against the Royals while C.J. Wilson did likewise Friday against Roy Halliday in Philadelphia. Ogando allowed just two runs and four hits in seven innings while Holland gave up a run on nine hits in just over eight innings.

The Phillies managed just three runs on four hits against Wilson.

But while the pitching was stellar, the offense was anemic, managing just 17 runs including just five runs in their last four games.

The lack of offense was never more evident than in the three straight losses – 2-1 to end the Kansas City series and 3-2 and 2-0 against the Phillies.

With the starting pitching back on track,

it’s encouraging to know that sluggers Josh Hamilton and Nelson Cruz were to return to the lineup this week when the Rangers host the White Sox and Royals.

“We hope that at the least this could be a momentum swing and we can get home and get some things going,” Rangers manager Ron Washington told mlb.com.

“We just need to get to the point where everybody is healthy and we are the team we were at the start of the season,” Hamilton said. “That will be exciting. With everybody back, we all know what kind of team we can be.”

Rematch with Jays on tap After finishing with the White Sox with a day game Wednesday, the Rangers play the Royals for the third time this season at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington.

Texas then goes back on the road for a rematch with the Tampa Bay Rays, the opponent in the opening round of the 2010 American League playoffs.

The Rays look vastly different than when Lee and the Rangers disposed of them in the seventh game last October.

Gone are outfielder Carl Crawford to Boston, first baseman Carlos Pena and starting pitcher Matt Garza to the Chicago Cubs, closer Rafael Soriano to the New York Yankees and setup pitcher Grant Balfour to the Oakland A’s.

Despite those losses, the Rays have played well so far in 2011, leading the American League East for much of the season. Manager Joe Maddon has rebuilt around third baseman Evan Longoria, second baseman Ben Zobrist and centerfielder B.J. Upton with newcomers like leftfielder Matt Joyce and centerfielder Sam Fuld. The 26-year-old Joyce leads the American League in hitting at .355.

James Shields anchors the young starting pitching staff with a 5-2 record and 2.00 earned run average.

Upcoming Schedule: 5/25 White Sox 1:05 p.m.

5/27 Royals 7:05 p.m.

5/28 Royals 6:10 p.m.

5/29 Royals 2:05 p.m.

5/30 @Rays 5:40 p.m.

5/31 @Rays 5:40 p.m.

9 goals.

Don’t you have some state records still?

Yeah. Extra points in a row and long field goal or something. I can’t remember.

When you reflect on your early days on the PGA Tour, how cool was it to be named PGA Tour Rookie of the Year?

It was an honor, you know—you can only have but one shot at it. Rickie [Fowler] won his, I guess, last year and we talked about it a little bit.

Something that comes just once in your life… And you happen to be on top of that, that one year. That’s pretty neat.

You ended up attending the Univ. of Arkansas and joining the golf team but weren’t you a football player in high school?

Yeah… I wanted to be a quarterback or a linebacker but our football coach at Rice was the golf coach also and he said, “Look, you’re too slow. Can you do anything else?” And I said, “Well, I can punt and I can kick.” So I ended up doing kickoffs and field

Do you ever wish you could have played in the Ryder Cup? I thought I was going to be on the Ryder Cup [team] in ’91. Also, I thought I had a good shot in ’95 and 2004.

It was always something I wanted to do.

How hard did you really party back in the day?

I wrote a song for Jamey Johnson, I hope he takes it: it’s called “It’s none of my business what you think of me,” and in the course [of the song] it says “perception is not my reality.” So

yeah, I partied a lot, but it’s not any different than a lot of kids who go to college or anything like that. I could just last longer than most people.

How has golf changed from when you were first coming up to where it’s at now?

Technology has made the social golfer better and the really good golfer great and there’s nothing wrong with it. There are so many guys on the leader board and so many guys have a chance to win now… it keeps the TV viewer a lot more interested in the game, and who’s gonna win. Unless you’ve got Tiger doing what he did.

Everyone was gonna watch to see if he was gonna keep doing it, which is great for the game too. So either way it’s going in the right direction.

Speaking of Tiger… He’s run into a rough patch. What can he do to get back on his game?

Well, Sean [Foley] is going to have to coach him to not leverage that knee so bad with his swing. You watch Tiger swing, that knee buckles up every time he goes through. Hopefully Sean can fix that. He’s going to have to start rotating that left knee with his body going through the ball instead of coming up. The sad thing about that is, that’s why he’s such a great iron player, because you’ve got to

bow the knee up a little, especially when you hit the middle irons, to control them a little better. So it’s a tough road. He’s been bowing that thing probably ever since he was twelve, thirteen years old.

So it’s more of a physical thing and not so much of a mental thing, you think?

Well, when you’re hurt, the mental thing gets to you too. Trust me, I’ve been there. That’s why I haven’t played worth a sh!t in four years.

I had the shoulder and the ribs for three years. And this has been the first year that I’ve been kinda healthy.

But when you’re not feeling good and you’re hurt, your mental is not there either. Because you’re concentrating on the injury more than you are the game and you can’t get any confidence.

What’s next? What are you doing these days?

Well, I’m playing the Colonial this week. Then I go overseas for two.

Come back and play Memphis.

Then I have my boys and girls at the club, the Father’s Day weekend in Dardanelle [Arkansas], my home town. [Daly owns the Lion’s Den Golf Course in Dardanelle.] Then I go to Hartford; week off; then nine straight.

So… easy summer.

10

With the PGA Tour making their two annual stops in the Big D and Fort Worth in May, Blitz Wee it gets in the Metroplex…..or anywhere else for that matter. The Blitz recommends visiting each g maximum value for your golfing dollar.

The Cowboys Golf Club

1600 Fairway Drive• Grapevine 76051 817-481-7277 • www.cowboysgolfclub.com

Green Fees $110-$195

Okay Cowboys fans, if you haven’t made it over to the dam at Grapevine Lake to play the only NFL-themed golf course in existence, grab your driver and get to it. Located just north of the DFW airport next to the Gaylord Texan, the first thing you will notice when you arrive at the bag drop is the distinct voice of Brad Schram, the voice of the Cowboys, who is calling highlights of past Cowboys games over the loudspeakers. Need any more incentive to play the course? Here it is: the start of this course rivals any course anywhere. The first few holes feature dramatic elevation changes and the chance to land your tee ball on the famous Cowboys “Star”!

Cowboys Golf Club is an excellent course with large sloping greens in perfect condition, but very difficult to read. If you’re playing for money, make sure you get a good read from all around the hole. The 419 fairways are in perfect condition, even in midsummer. The sand traps are numerous and humongous, well-groomed, and just waiting to trap your ball. The entire facility is meticulously groomed and maintained. The clubhouse, carts, and pro shop are top notch, as is all the staff.

Each hole has a plaque with a piece of Cowboys history on it and the carts are named after famous Cowboys players. The green fees are steep, but here’s a way to justify the expense. You should plan on spending the day and playing a morning and afternoon round. The fees include food and non-alcoholic drinks while at the course.

That means you can have breakfast before the morning round, lunch

Swingpact www.swingpact.com This is a swing aid that fits on the end of your club.

It’s small and discrete and instantly puts you in the correct posture. Swingpact trains you to execute the proper takeaway and will prevent casting the club, a common fault among amateur golfers.

between rounds, and lots of great on-course snacks, including a grill which you will pass once on each nine holes. You will definitely get your money’s worth!

Tour 18

8718 Amen Corner • Flower Mound 75022 800-946-5310 • www.tour 18-dallas.com

Green fees $44-$95

If you are looking for a chance to play some of the best and most famous golf holes the pros play each year, try this golf course located in the growing city of Flower Mound. Getting to the course is a little bit of a chore, but when you arrive you are treated to a gated entrance where a guard will ask for your tee time, so make sure you have one.

You will then wind through a subdivision lined with mega-mansions and arrive at the clubhouse which overlooks one of the most famous par threes in the world, the island green from #17 at Sawgrass, which is also visible from the entrance to the course. This is a very cool start to your Tour 18 golf experience. The course offers some dramatic views of up to 25 miles in distance, and at one point you can see Texas Motor Speedway. Some of the other famous holes you will play include #18 at Harbour Town although the lighthouse was removed for legal purposes, and #3 at Oakmont with its church pew sand traps. If your ball arrives in one of those sand-isasters you will wish you had spent more time in church. But the real fun happens over the finishing three holes when you are treated to Augusta National’s “Amen Corner,” numbers 11-13 from the course that hosts the famous Masters Tournament. After completing your round, you will be ready to don the Green Jacket that goes to the Mas-

Skykaps Advisor www.skykapllc.com Skykaps Advisor is a hat with a built in GPS system.

It’s hands-free and voice-activated with audio-response intelligent electronics. Advisor defines distance to hazards, greens and more.

True Linkswear Golf Shoes www.truelinkswear.com These shoes are for the golfer who has dreamed of walking fairways barefoot.

It feels like you are walking barefoot, while also getting the benefit of traction and waterproofing.

by Tony Barone

ekly set out to find some of the best links in the DFW area. Following are four that are as good as golf course’s website before booking tee times to view golfing specials for each course, ensuring ters Champion each year! Tour 18 has an awesome clubhouse with a locker room that is spacious and well-kept.

Tenison Park

3501 Samuell Blvd • Dallas TX 75223 214-670-1402 • www.tenisonpark.com

Green fees $7-$43

If your golf budget is looking a little lean this tournament season, look no further than the east side of downtown Dallas for some of the best and most reasonable golf you will find anywhere. Tenison Park sports two really awesome courses which cater to different skill levels and wallet sizes. The Tenison Glen course is the easier and cheaper of the two and sits on land donated by the Tenison family back in 1924, and is Dallas’ first municipally-owned golf course. This golfing venue offers a lot of local history: this is where Lee Trevino, the “Merry Mex” of PGA’s yesteryear, honed his game prior to taking on the likes of Jack Nicklaus on the PGA tour. White Rock Creek winds through this attractive layout, making ball placement a necessity. Golfers of all ability levels will enjoy a relaxing yet challenging 18 holes on this familiar classic. And you can play this gem for less than a ten-spot on certain days and times of the week.

Tenison Glen was host to the USGA 1968 Public Links Championship.

Tenison Highlands was redesigned in 2001

by PGA Tour professional D. A. Weibring and architect Steve Wolfard. It is a harder and more expensive course, but is definitely worth

Big Wigz Skins www.bigwigzskins.com The Big Wigz skin is a way for golfers to express their personality while teeing it up. The Big Wigz skin personalizes the driver head through a non-permanent vinyl that has a high resolution printed graphic.

the extra coin if you can swing it. The Highlands has five beautiful lakes, 32 sand bunkers, TifEagle greens, and 419 Bermuda fairways to go along with several elevation changes and groves of hardwood trees. Each hole fits the natural terrain it was designed on and provides a challenge to all levels of players. Aggressive play will sometimes lead to disappointment, but consistent shot-making is always rewarded.

Texas Star Golf Course 1400 Texas Star Parkway • Euless 76040 1-888-TEX-STAR • www.TexasStarGolf.com

Green Fees $37-$77

That’s right, one of the best-kept secrets for golf in the Metroplex is located just south of the DFW airport in Euless. The course opened in 1997 and was designed by world class architect Keith Foster, who was also responsible for the renovation of Southern Hills golf course in Tulsa, which hosted a U.S. Open. The course winds through a beautiful stretch of property with tree-lined fairways and rolling hills. Foster kept the right balance between nature and golf. Hurricane Creek winds through the course and plays a big part on several holes along the way. This course has a hill country look to it.

Several holes have vistas with 50-foot elevation changes. The G-2 Bentgrass greens are another on-course amenity that makes this a unique golf challenge. You will find the course staff to be extremely friendly and helpful, a reception not unlike the one you’d expect to find at a private facility.

The green fees are reasonable, making this one of the best golf “values” in the area. After your round go to the Raven’s Grill for a chicken-fried steak or a Texas Star burger and a beer. The chicken-fried is as big and good as any in the DFW area.

SandCaddy www.sandcaddy.com Go Green with this new golf essential tool that fits neatly into your golf bag.

Fill up your sandcaddy with sand, squeeze the top cap, and pour the sand into your divots. SandCaddy is part of a new movement to take better care of golf courses.

Bandzorb www.bandzorb.com Bandzorb is a disposable liner you can put in your cap or visor. It’s self-adhesive, antimicrobial, ecofriendly, disposable and super absorbent. Keeps your headwear looking new and clean during hot weather.

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GOIN’PLACES

A

Out and about in DFW with Hannah Allen

Offbeat Groupies

fter finally meeting my neighbor, Brandon, of Ugly Lion, I made it a point to go to see their last show at 2826 Arnectic. Because the only member of the band I knew was married I scrambled to find someone to schlep it down to Deep Ellum with me on that random Wednesday night.

My date for the evening ended up being my brother Jake. The curious thing about this situation is that Jake adores reggae music but is a straight-laced Mormon. Not that he’s uptight; I just find his love of the genre improbable.

The music began and Jake was captivated immediately. But it seemed to take a few minutes for me to warm up to their progressive brand of reggae and Brandon’s throaty vocals. This is not to say I only like one type of music – I’ve just always responded to the sexual aggression of rock and roll. Reggae, it seems, is a different kind of sexy. The guys it attracts are definitely more laid back than their solo-slinging counterparts and the girls – again, it’s a different type of sexy.

Historically, popular music has attracted women – viz., Beatlemania – and every sub-genre has its own archetypes when it comes to girls. Most of them are there for the guys, a few are there for the booze and some are there for the actual music. I’ll let you guess which category I fall into.

Metal – Within Metal we have three

distinct categories. The first is the Betty Page wannabe. The haircut, the tight black clothes, tatts on their calves, adorable fake eyelashes and typically on the mostly-hot-curvy side. Next, we have the girls who wear major label band t-shirts, jeans and no makeup. While it’s cool that they’re in the mosh pit for most of the show, the jury is out on their sexuality. Finally, there are the hardcore girls, most certainly part of the headliner’s entourage and the most devout of all groupies in all genres. These ladies will do anything to sleep with a band member.

They sport big hair, insanely heavy eye makeup and crazy-tiny outfits stretched over smokin’ hot centerfold-worthy bodies. They can incidentally out-drink, outsnort, and out-eat any man in the room.

Jam Band

– This is going to sound strange but girls at these shows are usually in the college age-range and are usually the more intelligent variety of coeds. They wear trendy but all-American clothes and drink light beer. They’re

Seven Steps to Surviving a

Breakup

by Jesse Whitman

“A Woman’s Perspective”

There are seven steps to survival that people are taught before they go to high-risk wilderness areas such as Mount Everest, Antarctica, the Amazon, and basically anywhere there are possible avalanches, a chance of hypothermia after ten minutes of being submerged in melted icebergs, or poisonous insects the size of small dogs. While most of us will probably never be caught in such life-or-death scenarios, the same seven steps to surviving in dire circumstances can be aptly applied to modern life, especially breakups. I know it is wedding and engagement season, and forgive my cynicism, but breakup season is just around the corner, at least for 50 percent of the married population. The best thing anyone can do, no matter how in love they are, is to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. So listen up, or you could end up kicked out of your house and sleeping in your car.

usually VERY attached to the band they came to see (DMB, especially) and don’t know other music acts actually exist.

Reggae – Another thing about reg-

gae that usually weirds me out are girls that feel the need to dance. “Dance” is a loose term, really. My husband calls it “catching butterflies.” You know what I’m talking about: that sort of stoned sway while grabbing at imaginary butterflies in the air. A little more motherly than the other kinds of groupies, they are always up for buying the band members drinks and have been known to help carry gear in or out of the venue. Lots of baggy clothes, long dresses and dreadlocks with these ladies. The plus is that they’re on the hippie side. Lots of hippies are sexually liberated (aka easy).

Red Dirt Country – While this newer phenom is not a straight-up Nashville country experience you’re still guaranteed lots of fake blondes with fake tans and fake boobs. The youngest and hottest of the whole bunch, they’re usually wearing scraps of denim – possibly mini-skirts at one point – with their designer cowboy boots. They’ll tell you they love the music but they’ve come to flash the crowd and take home a cowboy…or anyone else.

It’s not that I feel particularly out of place at any of these types of shows, I just don’t see myself as an archetype – or a stereotype for that matter.

I eased my way into the current of Ugly Lion’s performance and was eventually submerged in their prophetic lyrics, beautiful lead lines and easy energy, mindful suddenly of finding something new to love in a place I never really thought to look before.

1. Recognition - Any reasonable person will realize that a boat filling with water will eventually sink. Same with relationships. For example, a friend of mine kept putting up with his Cuban/Puerto Rican girlfriend who was like a cross between a chihuahua and a pitbull, and you can’t get any meaner than that. The boat was going under with him in it but he turned a blind eye, and one day out of nowhere, she kicked him out and he had to sleep in his car for a week before upgrading to the porch at his parents.

Recognition is important because you might have a chance to abandon the boat before you sink with it to the bottom of the sea.

2. Inventory - This is when you need to take stock of the resources and assets you can use for surviving the emotional devastation that will surely come from losing someone you love. Here you can contemplate why things went wrong and perhaps gain some insight into your own self-awareness.

Also, this would be a good opportunity to look for a rebound to help you heal from the emotional pain.

3. Shelter - It is always a good idea to have a breakup fund that is enough to float you for a few months and avoid the humiliation of taking up residence on your parents’ leaky-roofed porch. Even better, before you move in with anyone, write up a contract stating that you will be compensated for relocation costs in case the relationship goes on the fritz. When I suggested this to my

friend who is sleeping in his car again for the second week, he said that it seemed like a weird thing to do. Maybe so, but so is getting kicked out of your own home by a pitbull/ chihuahua.

4. Signals - People lost in the wilderness use flares to signal for help, and you should do the same. Put a few friends on a 24-hour phone hotline, which is especially helpful in those vulnerable and delicate moments where you feel the overwhelming need to drunk-text or dial your ex-femme fatale and tell her how much you miss her.

5. Water - You can go without water for several days out in the wilderness and in the modern world too, but eventually you will die without proper hydration. Basically, water includes any substance that can help you drink away what you can’t get out of your head on your own, including red wine, beer or straight whiskey.

6. Food - Eat your favorite foods, no matter how expensive or extravagant. Food can also be very healing, and fine dining is a great excuse for a date.

7. Play - This survival technique is often one of the most important, especially in the modern world. Do all the things you are passionate about, and maybe even try out something new. But for “play” to really have an impact you need to have a partner in crime.

13

14

by Brian Beard

“Ultimate Fighter”

Thiago “Pit Bull” Alves (23-6-0) vs. Rick “The Horror” Story (12-3-0):

This has fight-of-the-night potential boys and girls. Alves has the more impressive resume and is a seasoned veteran. Story is still somewhat of an up-and-comer but has been stellar in the UFC. Story has the advantage in the wrestling department but don’t look for him to try to take this fight to the ground. Both fighters are VERY aggressive and love to stand and bang.

Alves may be a little more technical but Story makes up for any disadvantage in technique with all-out raw aggression. This is a tough one to call but let’s roll with Story via decision in a slug fest. Alves will probably not make weight.

Frank Mir (14-5-0) vs. “Big” Roy Nelson (16-5-0):

Battle of the big boys right here. Roy Nelson may have the physique of John Candy but he is a very, very talented and skilled fighter. He is also pretty damn nimble for a man of his size. Mir is a great submission fighter who has recently found out that he can strike pretty damn well. Nelson will want to avoid the ground but he may be shocked by what he finds staying up. I think Mir will be able to survive on the feet and will end up getting the submission in the third round. Nelson’s spot on the UFC roster may be in trouble.

Rampage Jackson (31-8-0) vs. Matt “The Hammer” Hamill (11-2-0):

Not much of a main event in my opinion but Rampage is always entertaining. His sh!t talking ability is uncanny. Hamill is a very tough opponent for anyone at 205 (except Bones Jones) but I’m not sure this is a good fight for him. Although Hamill’s striking is much improved, Rampage has a clear advantage here. He should be able to pick Hamill apart on the feet quite easily. Hamill has the wrestling advantage here but Rampage will not be easy to take down. I see Rampage dropping Hamill in the second and getting the TKO victory. Then he will howl at the moon and give a great interview.

We’ve seen it over and over again but it doesn’t get old.

Presented By: The Gym • 921 West Mayfield #112 • Arlington, Texas 817-652-1555 • www.thegym.org

by Jack E. Jett

“Jett Streams”

15

I

used to play a lot of golf before surgeries changed everything. I don’t even go for long walks much any more. It took me by surprise, therefore, when my wife wanted to see the azaleas blazing down at the Dallas Arboretum – and kept asking when business emergencies got in the way.

We’d been before. Along with the Mesquite Rodeo, the Arboretum is a favorite excursion for our out-of-town guests. As for azaleas…Where our son had grown up with us, we’d had some of our own under the trees of a little woods on our property. One tip: azaleas and camellias do best in a huge hole full of nothing but peat moss (hyperacid soil). Anyway, I felt guilty about being “too busy” to have caught the azaleas at their peak and the Saturday of my wife’s third request (May 14th) was quite simply the best Dallas weather in my twenty-seven years here.

We headed to the newer part of the park off to the left: many small groves with winding trails lined with wood chips where azaleas had recently bloomed in profusion. I noticed right away that most of them had “shot their wad.” Nothing clever in the phrase; the once-bright blooms were now wadded on their spindly stems. Here and there odd blooms had survived the recent heat wave and these stalwarts were gone over minutely by us both.

by Jeff Putnam

Meanwhile I was discovering that I could walk considerable distances on this uneven ground, soft as it was. The wood chips were springy underfoot and the trails were never slick. The temp according to our car was exactly 72 degrees outside today. The park was rife with trilling children but they were on their best behavior around the labeled shrubs and saved their bursts of speed for clearings. We went straight across the clearings in the hope of having time to cover all the winding paths and trails.

Thanks to a magenta polo shirt, a seldom-worn gift from my wife, I was one of the “loudest” people in the park. The busy bees in the sunny gardens wouldn’t leave me alone. I didn’t let them bother me. Besides, I was soon outshone by bevies of Hispanic girls in hoop dresses who completely filled the paths with explosions of color.

From friendly respondents to our questions we learned that most of the girls were recent graduates; some were dressed up to celebrate “quinze años.” Anyway, we decided to follow one of the girls and sat at a demure distance while she had her picture tak-

Editor

en sitting on a bench, or rather nestling in the bright yellow cloud of her dress, clutching a clarinet. We waited for her to play her clarinet until glares from one of the grannies in attendance convinced us that wasn’t going to happen.

Only my wife’s interest in architecture ranks above azaleas in importance so there was no question of my skipping the tour of the DeGrolyer mansion. This was either the third or the fourth time I’d seen it but it felt like the first. Where had I been all the other times? Sh!tface drunk? (Hmm…) I found myself asking the same question during a late lunch on the veranda behind the place. My soul-mate had the migas (“Great!”) and I had the Eggs Benedict with smoked salmon. I’d have ordered it again if all this food wasn’t already supplementing the picnic we’d brought. Looking over the long descent of the lawns to White Rock Lake we watched a large party at a high tea celebrate yet another graduation—more bright dresses, big sunhats and happy faces that lit up the place.

We made plans to visit the Fort Worth Botanical Garden the next day.

16

De Rice Thai Cuisine 5365 Spring Valley Road, Suite 158 Dallas – 75254 PH: 972-385-2627 • dericethaicuisine.com

by Kelly G. Reed

“Dude with an Appetite”

JOKES

17

HORRORSCOPES

FUNNIES

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?

A: The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

Guts and Balls We’ve all heard about people having guts or having balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and asking: “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys – smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar – slapping your wife on the butt and saying: “You’re next, Chubby.”

We hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome... Both result in death.

ACROSS:

1. A grownup 6. Oceans 10. Romantic encounter 14. Objection 15. Chocolate cookie 16. Nile bird 17. Orgy 19. Drench 20. Wife or husband 21. Constrictor 22. Unadulterated 23. A ring-shaped surface 25. A stringed instrument of India 26. Thick slice 30. Chemical cousin 32. Agitated 35. Restricted 39. Self-conscious laugh 40. Stop working 41. Not brothers 43. A high-ranking officer 44. A naval rank 46. Amount of medicine 47. Filled with regret 50. A small natural hill 53. Turn over earth

54. A bone in the chest 55. Beginning 60. Cocoyam 61. Unable to read 63. Lascivious look 64. Place to hibernate 65. Bushbaby 66. Gait faster than a walk 67. Sea eagle 68. Coil of yarn

DOWN:

1. Tallies 2. Profound 3. Eardrum 4. An elaborate Hawaiian feast 5. Believe 6. Fifth note in do-re-mi 7. Greek god of darkness 8. Spray can 9. A type of edible bean 10. Demoralized 11. Approximately 12. Crown 13. Glacial ridge 18. Chief executive officer 24. Purge

25. Spermal fluid 26. Adjusts 27. Sixty-two in Roman numerals 28. Parts of a play 29. Dandelion 31. Bog 33. Minuscule 34. Mistakes 36. Novice 37. Memorable periods 38. Expunge 42. Alike 43. African antelope 45. Evil spirit 47. A hardy wheat 48. Not younger 49. Cowboy sport 51. “___ a chance” 52. Honor fights 54. Anger 56. Arduous journey 57. Identical 58. Decorative case 59. Cousin of a gull 62. Anger

18

by Jeff Putnam

Editor

Nurseryman Dear BLITZbudsman: I sell plants and

garden supplies for a famous do-it-yourself chain. I earned a degree in horticulture with a major in soils. I don’t make much, but my job’s okay because I love being around plants. My problem is one of the customers.

Up front, she’s a different race from me. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t open that can of worms, even though I’m something of a worm specialist. Still, she’s the same race as the head of Plants, Tools and Garden Supplies and I’m the odd man out.

But I should also say up front that the big boss has shown himself to be an honorable man. He’s one of those rare people who will tell you what he doesn’t know. I might even get a straight answer from him if I asked what he knows about the lady customer.

Up by the registers is where they’ve got what the sales associates call “gimme lit.”

So right away when this lady comes in she looks up all the deals. When we’ve got our 12” pots with missing blooms at 80% off, she goes around—blabbing away to her accomplice—and pinches off the blooms.

Then before other customers can spot the pots with the missing blooms, she loops back and puts them on her flat.

The person with her is usually a man with dirt on his clothes or his hands. Either she’s got the biggest garden in the world, or she’s scoring plants for a nursery of her own, which is what I think it is. She finds these guys on the street somewhere and pays them enough to be her gardener for a while. Really, they’re just her muscle. I doubt they hang around to repot the plants later. My guess is, her employees do that, or kids. A small child could learn enough about root structure to come up with something good enough to sell. Re-sell, that is.

She’s not going to put us out of business with what she’s doing, but the plants are only a part of it. She’s a fiend for our best stone. We had some we call “cobalt,” which is really a blue granite—very expensive because of its rarity. The other day she got a whole flat piled high with this stuff and dumped it where there was a stone border sticking up and a drop-off into our koi pool. No one talks about all the koi that got killed, but she broke half the cobalt slabs.

She’s not strong enough to lose a load like that, and that’s why she needs accomplices. Anyway, you can fracture granite with a karate chop if it’s thin enough. Her

garden paths must be beautiful with all the stone like the pieces of a puzzle pulled apart and straight borders. If she wasn’t a common criminal I’d ask to see what she’s done.

I’ve been here a long time, so a bad reference from the big boss might keep me from finding another job. People hiring in my field don’t want an old guy; the young honeys are selling all the plants these days.

– Nobody knows the trouble I seen

Dear Nobody: The money you spent on your education was wasted. Good God man, this is a matter of right, not of race!

If your “big boss” won’t stop milady’s rampages, go over his head until you find someone who will!

Like your plants, you seem to think it’s enough to go all droopy and passiveaggressive when you should be fighting for a better condition of life. Clearly you are too meek to break this woman’s legs but surely you could make her so unwelcome in other ways that she would continue her depredations in another store. (Have you never heard the expression, “swim with the fishes?”) So what if the “big boss” is protecting her, this is a chance to get rid of him into the bargain.

It’s time to man up and speak out before more of your beloved plants are decapitated. Has it not dawned on you that you, too, are an accomplice in these crimes if you continue to watch and do nothing?

Write to the BLITZbudsman at blitzbudsman@blitzweekly.com

I’d taken a job at a Northern California resort because I had wanted a full-time job that would enable me to write. On weekends I gladly ended my retreat and took a bus down to Berkeley where my wife was doing summer stock (Ben Kapen’s Melodyland). Late Sunday I took the bus north again with my head full of my wife’s possible affairs.

None of the books I wrote that summer panned out but I met some great characters. First in my memory was a man who’d fought in the Hungarian Revolution of 1956. We called him Ed. Though I know his first and last Hungarian names, I’ll not use them here, since Ed may have been a dangerous criminal. That’s right, “may have been,” because it’s a felony not to report a felony. Even so, rumors of wrongdoing were flooding my ears all summer and there was no way to substantiate them and no one to report them to.

Escaping into Austria, Ed’s only brother had been shot to death and Ed had been badly wounded. Ed washed dishes for us in his undershirt and I saw entry and exit wounds all over his body—seven were visible—that testified to the dangers he had survived.

Ed was a big reader and that was our bond from the first. I had lots of books with me, he had none. I marveled at the fact that someone with his rudimentary English could read Hume’s Treatise, and I soon felt that he was no less an intellectual for having machine-gunned a cellar full of Russian soldiers when he was just fourteen.

An American family had adopted him after his escape from Hungary, and as soon as Ed understood that they were complaining of the cost of his support, he went to Chicago and was adopted by mobsters. He had “the right stuff,” the angry wound on his neck was a plus. He had piercing blue eyes and brows that angled up sharply across his forehead. His face had once been ravaged by acne. He had his own teeth, but his smile was chilling, as if it had been caused by someone’s helplessness.

The crime that had sent Ed on the lam

throughout the country—again, only hearsay—had happened while he was working for the Chicago mob. He had been a “bagman,” providing armed protection for large cash transactions. He had also been a burglar, knocking over suburban residences.

And he had shot dead the bartender in a bowling alley after an insult of some kind.

The newspaper article in his scrapbook had described him as a Puerto Rican because of his strong accent.

Ed was rangy and strong but there were unemployed loggers in the bar in town who would have made short work of him, I thought. Not so!

Word got back to us of fights that Ed had started and won until he was overpowered by all the loggers at once. Awed, none of them had injured him, but it must have been daunting to realize that he would be coming to town once a week all summer to clean their clocks.

Late that fall, when my soon-tobe ex-wife went back to New York for auditions, I met my soon-to-be next wife at a residence club in San Francisco. I was still in touch with Ed and he came to pay me a visit. We fixed him up with an attractive doctor’s-daughter type and went on a double-date to a club called Finocchio’s, a cabaret where all the performers were transvestites. Perhaps I’d chosen it to take some of the pressure off Ed for being so different.

Ed’s date went white and stammered the only times she tried to speak. I don’t remember her name because she left the residence club the next day. And I never saw Ed again, either, after he went off into the night, with the collar of his raincoat turned up, to fight as a mercenary in what was still the Belgian Congo.

It wasn’t his detached air, or his wounds, or his features, I decided—it was his fixity that was so scary. He’d already faced so much that he had become amused at what passed for life in our absurd world. He should have been lost while he was passing through, but he wasn’t. He knew just where he was going.