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Woman Get Friends Tattooed On Her Arm

BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: Widespread Panic 5 Stars News 6 Vigilantes News 7 Rangers News 8 Light Up The Sky 9 COVER STORY: Guide to Gadgets A Look At The Tablets 10 Coolest New Gadgets 11 BLITZ BABE: Cheryl 12 Health & Fitness 13 UFC 132 Preview 13 Too Old For Rock And Roll 14 Can This Job Be Saved?

14 Food 15 Hit Me With Hallmark Philosophy 15 Top 5 Things That Should Be Legalized 16 Food Review: Red Dog Right 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: The Speed Limit Years 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam PHOTO EDITOR Darryl Briggs COVER Cover Photography: Chuck Majors Model: Angela Jones STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Corwin Colbert, Carlo Cravero, Mark James Miller, Victoria Morse, Severin Nowacki, Matt Pearce, Steve Wampler, DaniDF 1995, Lamilli, LifeSupercharger, Sdrtirs, Semnoz, Skyflyerke, Trekphiler STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Jack E. Jett, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Richard S. Pollak, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Hannah Allen, Brian Beard, Raymond Bloomquist, Adam Bruster, Bronte Erwin, A. Faulkner, Jim Hanigan, Andrew J. Hewett, Henry Jenkins, Brad LaCour, Lee Keefer CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com

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Now that’s what we call a deep friendship.

An unnamed woman from The Netherlands, going by the YouTube handle ‘‘susyj87’’, has posted video of a complex tattoo session to have 152 of her digital buddies forever etched onto her right arm.

Check it out yourself. The woman told YouTube followers the tattoo, which covers most of her arm, was the result of months of work. ‘‘Pretty amazing right?

I’m really proud of it. Hope you like it too!’’ she wrote. The tattoo was done by Rotterdam-based tattoo artist, Dehvyathe Xaviera Moelker, also known as Dex and appears to have been inspired by Netherlands-based company Pretty Social which prints people’s Facebook friends’ photos on a range of products, from clocks, bags and IKEA furniture to a Mini Cooper car.

graphs of the robbery and are reviewing additional photographs and surveillance video from the bank’s parking lot to try and identify the suspect. She is described as about 5-feet 6 inches tall, and weighing between 130 and 150 pounds. No weapons were displayed during the robbery and no one was injured, police said.

Buy 1 Kid, Get 1 Free!

What is the world coming to these days? A 16-year-old Ontario boy was given a stern warning by police for posting an online ad that offered two children for sale. ChathamKent police said the ad included photos and stated that the kids had to be gone in a week or they’d be put on the streets. A concerned citizen called police at about the advertisement. Police later tracked down the teen, who admitted to posting it as a joke.

Investigators confirmed no children were at risk and the teen was warned about his actions.

A New Way To Rob A Bank?

A woman robbed a Colorado bank by passing her official HIV status card from a local clinic and a note saying she would infect a teller with AIDS if the clerk didn’t hand over money, police said on Friday. Jeff Satur, spokesman for the Longmont, Colorado police department, said detectives are searching for a pale woman between the ages of 55 and 75 with a “boney build.” Although she blacked out her name from the status card the teller did so most of the letter and they are investigating wit the local clinics help. Satur said a woman, who was wearing a train conductor’s cap and a gray sweat shirt, walked into a Wells Fargo bank inside a Safeway grocery store on Thursday night and handed a note to a teller. “She indicated she had AIDS and would give it to a teller if she didn’t cooperate,” Satur said.

The woman coughed frequently into a blue bandana during the robbery, and fled with an undisclosed amount of cash, Satur said. Police and the FBI released still photo-

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VOL. 3 - ISSUE 43

JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011 3

This Tiger Doesn’t Play Golf

Zoo workers prepared tranquilizer darts and a thermal imaging helicopter was dispatched amid reports of a white tiger on the loose near an England golf course. But there was just one problem — it turned out to be a stuffed animal. Police have launched an investigation into the potential hoax that sent golfers and cricket players scrambling in Hampshire recently.

As the helicopter neared what was first reported to be a dangerous animal in the grassy field, it detected no heat and the stuffed toy blew over with a gust. Sussex Police helicopter officials tweeted, “Tiger seen near golf course, concerns for members of the public!” Then later, followed by another tweet: “Initially there was great concern for the public that a tiger had escaped the local zoo, luckily, it wasn’t real.”

Andrew J. Hewett

www.chewednews.com

RAN OFF WITH HIS LEG Police in Mesa, Arizona, June 21, 2011, reported two male pedestrians were involved in a hit-and-run, leaving one dead and the other in critical condition; with the deceased man’s leg missing at the crash scene. Officers figured the missing leg was probably either lodged onto the car which ripped it off, or had been disposed of by the driver.

RECYCLED BEER? Portland, Oregon – The Associated Press reported June 21, 2011, “Because a 21-yearold man was caught on a security camera urinating into a city reservoir, Oregon’s biggest city is sending 8 million gallons of treated drinking water down the drain.”

(Like that old toothpaste commercial: “Wonder where the yellow went?”)

WONDERFUL KNOWLEDGE Announced June 21, 2011: 250,000 books will be made available online in a deal between Google and the British Library. The library’s goal is to make the majority of its 14 million books and 1 million periodicals available in digital form by 2020. The deal with Google will see 40 million pages digitized over the next three years. (If knowledge is God, Hello Heaven!)

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “The advance of technology is based on making it fit in so that you don’t really even notice it, so it’s part of everyday life.”

– Bill Gates Photo Courtesy: Severin Nowacki

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4 JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011

by Jim Hanigan “Film Buff”

Most folks today look at The Fourth as a paid day off from work and a reason to consume copious amounts of beer, stare at the hotties and wolf down hot dogs like a contestant at the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. These are truly great American skills to possess, ask any red-blooded American male. Prior to the weekend, though, you might want to remind yourself of what it means to be an American and what makes this the greatest country on the planet by watching a few of these films.

10) Forrest Gump (1994) – The story of a simple man (Tom Hanks) from Alabama from childhood to adulthood humors us with visits through U.S. history and a look at pop culture. Many one-liners and a great soundtrack.

5) Team America: World Police (2004) – Stopping terrorists from performing evil deeds is their sole intention. Hilariously funny film while learning about the world’s three dominant personalities. America, F*ck yeah!

9) The Patriot (2000) – A smart, violent and patriotic movie about The Revolution. Mel Gibson is a man on a mission to defeat the British. Great battle scenes. The Patriot shows that the freedom we have in this country did not come cheap and those who gave their lives for it should long be remembered.

4) Glory (1989) – Set during Civil War, this is an inspiring story of the 54th Regiment of the Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry. They made a name for themselves when they charged Fort Wagner and its 1,000 Confederate soldiers.

8) Miracle (2004) – Nothings cools you off like the Winter Olympics and the United States defeating the Soviets. The film based on a true story is greatness. Al Michaels immortalized the phrase, “Do you believe in miracles? Yes!” 7) All the Presidents Men (1976) – A popular film about President Nixon and the Watergate scandal will keep you mesmerized with the work of two Washington Post reporters. Freedom of the press!

6) Apollo 13 (1995) – Why watch The Right Stuff when you can watch NASA trying to solve problems on a deadline? No other country thinks outside of the box like the United States.

3) Born On The Fourth of July (1989) – Film adaptation of paraplegic Vietnam Vet Ron Kovic’s best-selling autobiography. Teaches us that real patriots don’t just wave flags, they demand accountability. Plus part of the film was shot in Dallas!

2) Independence Day (1996) – When planet Earth is being invaded by aliens leave it to America to step up and save us all. A rousing speech by the President gives a sense of pride and celebrates America’s birthday.

1) Top Gun (1986) – The perfect blend of American rebel attitude and 80s pop-culture.

Tom Cruise stars as pilot Pete “Maverick” Mitchell. Get a brief glimpse into the lives of American pilots and why you wish you could fly an F-14.

A. Faulkner

Midnight in Paris

Whether you are a film buff or plain old movie fan who wonders if original material is over, be prepared to be pleasantly surprised by Woody Allen’s bewitching tale of time travel and The Golden Age. Amusingly relevant, Allen manages to capture a certain zeitgeist filtered through romantics in the 21st century.

Midnight in Paris opens with the loveable Gil (Owen Wilson) and his blasé and emotionally unlovable fiancée Inez (Rachel McAdams) tagging along on her parents business trip to Paris. Wilson deftly portrays the bumbling dissatisfied screenwriter who quickly falls in love with the City of Lights and its past, capturing Allen’s slightly neurotic yet utterly charming naiveté. Gil intends to give up Hollywood mediocrity after his wedding and live in Paris in order to fulfill his youthful ambition of literary greatness by writing a novel based on a normal guy who owns a nostalgia shop.

Despite his wife’s continuously snide comments, Gil truly believes he and Inez will live happily ever after in such a romantic city.

However, Fate’s hand is at play when Gil and Inez run into her pretentious and pseudo-intellectual former flame Paul (Michael Sheen, who is as superb as McAdams in losing himself inside the skin of a new role). Soon, the motifs of Allen’s former films take form—infidelity, gorgeous women, skepticism. Allen has a few tricks up his sleeve, though, and at the stroke of midnight comes the twist to our fairy tale.

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Gil has taken up daily walks to escape the musings of Paul, Inez, and her equally atrocious and affluent parents. Rightfully unexplained, Gil finds what Paris affords a fanciful optimist such as himself, and his midnight wanderings transport him to an artistic cove of iconic literary geniuses and painters in Paris in the twenties. Ernest Hemingway and Gertrude Stein (deftly evoked by Corey Stoll and Kathy Bates) take him under their wing, promising to read his manuscript and introducing him to, among others, Zelda and Scott Fitzgerald, Picasso, and, most importantly, the latter’s muse Adriana (an at once innocent and alluring Marion Cotillard.)

Each night brings newfound inspiration: listening to Hemingway’s riotous and inebriated speeches, meeting with Man Ray and Salvador Dali (Adrien Brody) at a local café. “I feel like I’m caught between two worlds,” Gil tells Dali. Of course, the two Surrealists don’t find this notion absurd. When back in the real world, Gil can only think of his midnight excursions—are they or aren’t they real? A serendipitous trip through Parisian markets with Inez and her mother prove his dreamlike scenes may hold the keys to where his future lies, but understanding still lies in his journey.

Literary and art aficionados will appreciate the highbrow humor, but the witty banter of amusing characters of past and present mixed with Allen’s wisdom guarantees this is a fun film for everyone. Indeed, it is producing the best box office of Allen’s career.

JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011 5 blitzweekly.com

by Bronte Erwin “Man About Town”

twitter@bronteerwin

Wed 6/29

Genghis Khan: The Exhibition Irving Arts Center - Irving A restaurant chain might be named after him but his appetite for success knew no boundaries. Learn about the man who conquered Asia and his cultural legacy.

Thurs 6/30

How To Pair Beer and Cheese Scardello Artisan Cheese – Dallas Beer enthusiasts rejoice! Now you too can learn how to pair beer and cheese for those afternoon picnics. Learn from Rich Rogers the dos and don’ts. It’ll only set you back $30.

Widespread Panic Sometimes

Fri 7/1

All That Glitters Lakewood Theater – Dallas When was the last time you took in a burlesque show? Thoughts so. Be patriotic and check out this performance. Plus there’s a special guest performance by Pearl Lux of L.A.

Sat 7/2

Paul Mooney Improv – Addison The man has been a part of comedy forever and a day. He wrote jokes for Richard Pryor and the tv show Sanford and Son. Check out a memorable performance and don’t forget your funny bone!

Sun 7/3 MUSIC: Widespread Panic 1. Saint Ex

Widespread Panic – Dirty Side Down

2. North

Widespread Panic – Dirty Side Down

3. Dirty Side Down

Widespread Panic – Dirty Side Down

4. This Cruel Thing

Widespread Panic – Dirty Side Down

5. Visiting Day

Widespread Panic – Dirty Side Down

6. Clinic Cynic

Widespread Panic – Dirty Side Down

7. St. Louis

Widespread Panic – Dirty Side Down

8. Shut Up And Drive

Widespread Panic – Dirty Side Down

9. True To My Nature

Widespread Panic – Dirty Side Down

10. When You Coming Home

Widespread Panic – Dirty Side Down

Haunted House On The Fourth The Fatal End – Dallas Halloween is a few months away and since it’s hot as hell in Texas so go visit a haunted house.

You’ll be safe from the fireworks but not from your family and friends. For more info: dallashaunt.com

Mon 7/4

only reason I know any of the album names is because of the Widespread Panic Everyday t-shirt I still jog in. But I like the music, although sometimes it is a little too “far out man,” for me. And the shows have always been a great experience. This audience is a time warp with the same college age kids I have been at shows with since I started going in the 90s, with a splatter of older fans who got a baby sitter for the night.

Our seats are 11th row. Packed in here amongst the hoping patrons, it is brutally hot. So on my second beer run; I duck out to the back of the seating area. With the 20 degree temperature difference out from under the roof, the patchouli oil and marijuana, absent the sweat, is refreshing.

One “dude” tells me Jimmy Herring, who replaced original guitarist Mike Houser, who died of cancer in 2002, is sick. And he is. Although the bassist looks like he aged a lot worse than me, the band plays with the vigor of a band stretching its legs again, and not one that has been touring for 25 years.

There is an elongated intermission between sets, and it sounds like they saved the best for last rocking to the point where I return to my group in the front to catch the encore. The dancing bears are in full choreography: The males have tucked their shirts into the front of their khaki shorts like a quarterback’s towel. Sweating over themselves and everyone else with an “I don’t give a damn as long as I’m dancing” attitude, while the females-—clearly the more attractive of the species—twist and turn in their summer dresses or linen tops, silhouetting their bodies and wafting everyone with a cooling breeze.

Once the band thanks the audience and leaves the stage, the fans continue hopping around applauding themselves for having such a great time. And it is Widespread Panic everyday again.

Willie Nelson’s Picnic Billy Bob’s Texas – Ft. Worth The picnic returns to Billy Bob’s for the first time since 2006. Check out legends such as Willie himself, David Allen Coe and Ray Price.

His son Lukas Nelson will perform as well with his own band.

Tues 7/5

Back in my college days nothing was better than a Wide Spread Panic, but as my propensity for whippits waned so did my interest in the band. But when a college friend offered a Friday night of Panic at the currently named Gexa Energy Pavilion the flashbacks were so intense I had to go.

Regardless of name, the venue is always a great destination. A view of the Texas Star, a sprawling lawn and seating section offering a great stage view from everywhere, it has the feel of a grand outdoor venue without the overwhelming-ness of a big venue. Unfortunately for this show, Gexa taped off the lawn section.

While I figured the unseasonably hot June would keep even some of the Panic-heads, some of whom are postponing getting a “real” job so they can follow Panic, away, I was surprised when the security guard manning the yellow tape told me there were only 2500 people in attendance, so they closed off the lawn. He was surprised too, saying they had 17 thousand last weekend for a county artist I never even heard of.

For as long as I have been going to Starplex, Smirnoff, Gexa et al, there have been two consistencies about the beer: They are big and they are expensive. In this case $12 for a 24 oz can.

Served at a temperate 50 degrees, drinking is a race to finish before alchemy turns the beer to pi$$.

But while the beer is a Barnum-esque marketing ploy to patrons, the food keeps the spirit of the State Fair alive all year. Funnel cakes, corn dogs, sausage on a stick and turkey legs. There really is no food that is more fun to eat and more delicious than fair ground turkey legs.

I’ve probably seen Widespread as much as I have seen any other band, but I couldn’t name one song. And the

Picasso and Braque Kimball Art Museum - Dallas Get some culture in your life and enjoy the exhibition by both artists during their two-year collaboration. See where “Guernica” got its influence. Tickets are $8. Visit kimbellmuseum. org for more info.

If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com

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6 JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011

STARS News

by Richard S. Pollak

“Ice Cold Playa”

New Coach & Players Dallas Stars General Manager Joe Nieuwendyk announced that the club has hired Glen Gulutzan (pronounced Gull-it-zen) as the 21st head coach in franchise history. “I am very excited to hire Glen Gulutzan as head coach of the Dallas Stars,” Nieuwendyk said. “He’s the man that is going to move this club forward. He won this job ahead of some very experienced coaches. Glen is a young, exciting coach who we believe has a bright and long future in the National Hockey League. We were pleased with his development skills and the leadership he brought our young players at the American

He didn’t want a retread coach. Brad Lukowich who played most of the season in the AHL in Austin even wanted to go back for the AHL playoffs because of Gulutzan even though he ended his season in the NHL.

League level. We feel he will bring energy and a winning attitude to our club. I look forward to working with him as we plan for the future of the Dallas Stars.”

The lenders who control of the Stars would only agree to a two year contract with a third year team option. According to Nieuwendyk, “Yes, three years is pretty standard in the NHL. Yes, we got him cheaper than an experienced coach but a lot of AHL coaches like Guy Boucher and Dan Bylsma have had great NHL success without coaching in the league previously.” Stars Captain Brendan Morrow said, “We look forward to getting on the same page with the coach.” Former Coach Marc Crawford almost faced a mutiny behind closed doors during their first losing streak, according to a Stars source with access to the locker room during games.

The AHL Texas Stars players loved playing for Gulutzan and called him a player’s coach. Crawford with his squeaky, mild mannered voice on the outside was hated by the Stars players for all his rants and tirades behind closed doors. The Stars players almost had a revolt when they went into their last big losing streak and demanded Nieuwendyk get rid of him as coach. One of Brad Richards’ hesitations in re-signing with the Stars was playing for Crawford as coach. Crawford never sold his players on his “system.” The Stars GM added, “Gulutzan has a system” saying, “The Stars need a teaching coach for the younger players they expect on the roster this year from the AHL.

selection, was the tallest at 6’ 7”—in the mold of Boston Bruins Stanley Cup Champion Captain Zdeno Chara, according to Stars Scout Cal Swenson.

For the second year in a row, Dallas Stars GM Joe Nieuwendyk selected a future project. College freshman defenseman, Jamieson Oleksiak will take three to four seasons before he will contribute to the team’s NHL roster. Despite the fact that the Stars have failed to make the playoffs for three straight seasons, the Stars braintrust chose to only look towards the future with draft selections that won’t be in Dallas for at least four seasons. Last year, Nieuwendyk, heading his first draft, selected Goalie Jack Campbell, who was just about to enter his freshman year in college rather than USA Under 20 Team Captain and much-needed offensive minded defenseman Cam Fowler.

Fowler who was immediately selected by the Anaheim Ducks, with the next pick, immediately contributed for the Ducks both on their power play and as one of their stellar defenseman.

Niewendyk: “I rely on our scouts, but ultimately I take full responsibility for the selection.” Stars Player Personnel Director, Les Jackson added “We have four young defensemen with potential to make an impact to the Stars roster in 3-4 years.” In my opinion it appears that both the Stars new coach and top draft pick were selected for economic reasons with a conservative financial impact.

Stars Draft Picks The Dallas Stars selected six players at the two day NHL Entry Draft, held at Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, Minnesota. Dallas came away from the draft with prospects that have considerable size, upside and potential. All seven selections were six foot or taller. Jamieson Oleksiak, their first round

JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011 7

Vigilantes News

blitzweekly.com

by Raymond Bloomquist

Crossword Solution

“Arena Football Fanatic”

Having A Record Year

For only their second season in the Arena Football League, the Dallas Vigilantes have made leaps and bounds since their inaugural woes of 2010, and at the moment, the football club is showing no signs of stopping just yet. And with these vast improvements also have come opportunities to break league and team records, something the Vigilantes have made a trend so far this season.

To kick things off, Dallas set one of its very first records when it won its fourth game of the 2011 season on April 23 versus the Tampa Bay Storm.

Now tripling its win total of only three games in 2010, first year head coach Clint Dolezel has his squad on the verge of its tenth win with a victory over the Philadelphia Soul (5-9) Saturday night at the American Airlines Center.

But the regular season win total was not the only record that has been broken around here.

With his first successful PAT of the night versus the Iowa Barnstormers two weeks ago, Vigilante kicker Remy Hamilton set the new all-time scoring record for a kicker at 1,597 points and counting. And the League records do not stop there. Already over the 500-yard mark with still four games to go, Vigilante rookie fullback Derrick Ross broke the AFL all-time single-season rushing record of 459 yards, set by Michael Bishop in 2005. If that was not enough, Ross smashed every single Vigilante alltime rushing record in the books in the process. Although the AFL is certainly a passing league, do not be surprised if Ross is in contention for the title of “Rookie of the

Year” before the season is through.

The Vigilantes have also got things done in the air this season, boasting a new team record holder in the receiving department as well. With his 31st touchdown 186th point, receiver Tiger Jones set the new Vigilante all-time records for touchdowns in a single season and total points, and with the with the way Jones has been playing as of late, expect the bar to only get higher.

But wait – do not forget about mac linebacker Dusty Bear. With nine and a half sacks to date, the high motor LB out of Western Kentucky broke the Vigilante all-time, single-season sack record of eight, set by teammate Justin Warren in 2010. The tally ranks Bear third in the League in sacks, and if his momentum continues, he should have a few more before all is said and done.

While the records are certainly a great achievement, the Vigilantes know that is all about the one record that has the word “champions” at the end of it. With the Vigilantes two games ahead of Spokane and Utah for the National Conference’s third seed and on the cusp of outright clinching the fourth and final spot at the very worst, it is getting safe to say that Dallas will have their chance to fight for that ArenaBowl title. That being said the mindset is still one game at a time, and for Dallas, that next obstacle to overcome is a 7:30 p.m. battle with the Soul. The Dallas Vigilantes have made leaps and bounds, but how far exactly is yet to be seen.

MLB: Marlins vs. Rangers

Fri. July 1 – 7:05PM – Rangers Ballpark – KTXA 21

Interleague match-ups wind down this weekend and the Marlins come to town with new skipper Jack McKeon. He led the team to a World Series title back in 2003. Anibal Sanchez will take the mound for the fighting fish and has six wins under his belt with a low ERA and WHIP. For the Rangers, Alexi Ogando takes the mound. He’s struggled lately and looks to get back on track.

WWC: Columbia vs. U.S.

Sat. July 2 – 11:00AM – Rhein-Neckar-Arena – ESPN

The Women’s World Cup only happens once every four years and this year it’s held in Germany. The United States has done well since it’s inception in 1991. They won it all in 1991 and 1999 and came in third in their other three appearances. Keep your eye on defender Christie Rampone as this will mark her fourth appearance.

NASCAR: Coke Zero 400

Sat. July 2 – 6:30PM – Daytona Int’l Speedway – TNT

Get ready for 160 laps of “restrictor plate” racing which equates to a 43 car, 200mph traffic jam. Without the plate the cars would go too fast to be deemed safe. Kevin Harvick won it last year and has the “hot” hand heading into this year’s race.

MLB: Dodgers vs. Angels Sun. July 3 – 7:00PM – Angel Stadium – ESPN

The battle in the land of fruits and nuts takes place between two franchises that have fallen from grace. The Dodgers have filed for bankruptcy, might not meet payroll and a mess right now. The Angels are currently in third place and need help in a bad way.

Dee Gordon son of pitcher Flash Gordon is electrifying on the basepaths, as is Tony Gwynn, Jr.

RANGERS

PGA

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8 JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011

RANGERS News

by Mark Miller

“The Dallasite from the North”

Leading But Inconsistent As the 2011 season neared its mid-point, the Texas Rangers are where they want to be when it ends, atop the American League West division. Yet members of the team were anything but happy. After all, the Rangers just finished splitting six interleague games with Houston and the New York Mets to end the week with a 41-38 record. And they continued to display an unwanted inconsistency to their play.

In winning two of three against the Astros and losing the same to the Mets, Texas scored at least five runs in five of the six

games, the veteran infielder had only three home runs. Last week, he had four. “Homers always come in bunches,” he said after Saturday’s game. “I try to hit the ball as hard as I can every time. I don’t worry about it too much.”

Also positive was the continued hot hitting by catcher Yorvit Torrealba who hit .383 from June 1-26. Plus, Matt Harrison continued to pitch well earning his sixth victory Friday against the Mets. His 1.95 earned run average since May 6 was the fourth best in the American League. That helped make up for two losses by Alexi Ogando, who fell to a 7-3 record after starting 7-0.

Upcoming Schedule: 6/29 @Astros 7:05 p.m.

6/30 @Astros 7:05 p.m.

7/1 Marlins 7:05 p.m.

7/2 Marlins 7:05 p.m.

7/3 Marlins 7:05 p.m.

7/4 Orioles 7:05 p.m.

7/5 Orioles 7:05 p.m.

games and 34 overall. But their pitching yielded 14 and 8 runs their final two games to stymie what could have been a great week. “I know these guys are coming out here and leaving everything they have on the field,” Rangers Manager Ron Washington told mlb.com. “We just haven’t put anything together for an extended period of time.”

Outfielder David Murphy agreed.

“We’ll have four or five good games, and then when it seems like we’re making a little traction, we’ll fall back into a little rut,” Murphy said. “We need to figure out something where we can stay consistent for a few weeks, or even a month.”

What has been positive is a home run burst by Michael Young. In his first 72

Inter-league Play Concludes Having split their first 12 inter-league games, the Rangers finish play against the National League this week with three games at Houston and three at home against the Florida Marlins. The Astros hope to avenge their series loss at Arlington this week.

Starting pitchers C.J. Wilson, Colby Lewis and Harrison are hoping to not let that happen. The Rangers were likely to be without starting shortstop Elvis Andrus who sprained his left wrist in Friday’s game against the Mets.

Florida recently had an 11-game losing streak that prompted Manager Edwin Rodriguez to resign June 20. Jack McKeon, who led the team to the 2003 World Series after taking over in mid-season from Jeff Torborg, was named to replace Rodriguez.

The Marlins, who last visited Rangers Ballpark in Arlington in 2003, had a respectable 17-18 road record before Sunday’s game at Seattle. Anibal Sanchez has been the team’s star with a 6-1 record and 2.90 earned run average before Sunday night. Offensively, Florida is led by first baseman Gaby Sanchez (13 home runs, 45 runs batted in, .300 average), right-fielder Mike Stanton (16 HR, 44 RBI, .255 average) and third baseman Greg Dobbs (.311 average).

JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011 9 blitzweekly.com

by Henry Jenkins “Free Is Good!”

Light Up The Sky Where to Watch the Fireworks!

In the “Land of the Free” there are few holidays that rival the greatness of Independence Day. Sure Thanksgiving allows us to stuff ourselves and watch the Dallas Cowboys, every now and then the Super Bowl does the exact same thing. Every Fourth of July we remind ourselves of why we told the British to stick it. It is in our very nature to root for the underdog and to be free to do what we want. While America didn’t invent the firecracker, we did invent some cool stuff such as the swivel chair (1776), toilet paper (1857) and the bionic contact lens (2008). Why watch the fireworks shows on tv or the net when you can see them in person. Here’s a list of places that you can take in the show. Now get out and enjoy!

Captain America–Disney Independence Day Fireworks Show When: Monday, July 4 – After the Baltimore Orioles Game Where: The Ballpark in Arlington What: Fireworks will follow the Rangers game and it’s free with the purchase of a ticket to the game.

Fair Park Fourth When: Monday, July 4 – 4:30pm to 10:00pm Where: Fair Park What: This year they’re doing it on the 4th and it’s free and open to the public.

Visit the participating museums and prior to the fireworks show the Stefani Little Band will be performing. Later on check out the Dallas Wind Symphony for a patriotic concert. Take in the fireworks show inside the Cotton Bowl.

Fort Worth’s Fourth When: Monday – July 4 – 4:30pm to 10:00pm Where: LaGrave Field What: In the town of the cow you can enjoy the show from the banks of the Trinity River or at the home of the Ft. Worth Cats. Lots of family fun events such as the cardboard slide derby, miniature golf, jet ski shows, bounce houses and a most patriotic costume contest. Note to self: bring money. Be sure to bring a blanket or lawnchair unless you like sitting on grass.

Frisco Freedom Fest When: Saturday – July 2 – 4:00pm to 10:00pm Where: Simpson Plaza What: Party in the Plaza returns with all the traditional events it’s known for with live entertainment, a rock climbing wall and a bounce house. The Taste of Frisco returns as well. Like soccer? Check out FC Dallas taking on the Columbus Crew.

Good times!

Kaboom Town! In Addison When: Sunday, July 3 – 5:00pm to Midnight Where: Addison Circle Park What: Feel free to check out the show from anywhere in Addison including the Addison Circle Park watching party.

The Addison Airport Air Show featuring the Cavanaugh Flight Museum Warbird Flyover in the early part of the evening is a must. Enjoy the show from pretty much anywhere in Addison. Stick around Addison Circle Park after the show and take in a performance by Emerald City.

Light Up Arlington When: Sunday, July 3 – 6:00pm to 10:30pm Where: Levitt Pavilion What: Prior to the fireworks show there will be BMX demos and live music by Radney Foster and The Spazmatics.

They’ll have vendors there selling food and drink in case you forgot to bring your own. Be sure to bring a blanket or lawnchair. For the kiddos they will have bounce houses, a petting zoo and pony rides so be sure to bring some cash.

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10 JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011

by Frank LaCosta – “Tech Nerd”

B

ack in the day having a laptop meant portability and the mobile office. Then in 1997 along came the netbook with it’s lower weight, lower cost and smaller screen but for the most part had the same functionality of it’s predecessor. Apple decided to get in the game and in April of 2010 released the first iPad. Apple fiends went crazy with the new technology and praised it’s greatness. Later that year the industry would see the birth of other tablets.

There are four major players fighting for dominance currently in the tablet market. That means there are four different operating systems with different features that you will like or dislike. Leading the way currently is the iPad 2 and Apple friendly consumers have been gobbling them up like crazy. As indicated, consumers with other Apple products like the familiarity that the iPad 2 offers as well as all the apps and ability to access iTunes. The drawbacks though are the operating system, lack of Adobe Flash support and doesn’t read well in bright light. Some say that it is a glorified iPhone.

However there are other tablets coming up fast and making waves such as the Motorola Xoom. It is a bit larger than the iPad 2 and utilizes the Android 3.0 “Honeycomb” operating system. Choose from 16, 32 or 64 GB. The drawback here again is the lack of an “open” operating system. Also noted is that there are a lack of apps that look good on the larger screen.

Many praise the hardware as solid and Honeycomb could be taking giant leaps in the right direction for Android tablets.

Going for a more compact product and portability for business minded individuals the Blackberry PlayBook has a 7-inch screen (not to big guys: you can probably slip this in your pocket). Choose from 8, 16 or 32 GB. The other big perk is that Blackberry smartphone owners can use their phone’s connection to get online. No more searching for a Starbucks or McDonalds if you’re out and about. Lastly with the Blackberry Tablet OS developers are able to build apps using Java, Flash, Adobe Air and other technologies. Look for lots of crossplatform apps for the PlayBook.

Lastly Hewlett-Packard didn’t want to be left out of the party and have come up with the TouchPad. It isn’t available yet but should be released by early July. The screen size will be the same as the iPad and will run the HP webOS 3.0 system. Choose from 16 or 32 GB. It’s ideal for those who like the card-based Palm Pre system. The positive is that it’ll be able to send information back and forth with the Palm phone.

However HP is at a huge disadvantage for apps as developers seem more focused on the iPad and Android-based tablets.

Tablet buyers now have some options and it’ll be interesting to see how everything comes out in the wash. Check out the chart below for some additional information:

Apple iPad

HP TouchPad

Motorola Xoom BlackBerry PlayBook

Price

$499-$829 $499-$599 $799

$399-$599

Screen Size

9.7 inches

9.7 inches

10.1 inches

7 inches

Weight

1.6 lbs.

1.6 lbs.

1.6 lbs

0.9 lbs

OS

iOS 4.2

HP webOS

Android 3.0

QNX

Flash Support

No

Yes

Yes

Yes

Battery Life

9 Hours

N/A

10 Hours

10 Hours

JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011 11

G. J.

K.

A. B.

F.

I.

L.

E.

M.

C.

D.

a. Sony NEX-C3 Camera

With a design that crams a DSLR-sized sensor into a point-and-shoot sized body, the Sony NEX-C3 Camera is the latest in Sony’s series of hybrid shooters. Building upon the company’s well-received NEX-3, the C3 features a solid metal top case, a streamlined grip, a 16.2 megapixel Exmor APS HD CMOS sensor, 720p video recording, a tilting, three-inch LCD, 3D Sweep Panorama and Auto HDR modes, and a weight of just eight ounces, or less than your typical prime lens for your comparatively huge DLSR. (Price – $600-$650)

b. GL1 Vehicle Diagnostic Tool for iPhone

The Check Engine light: the bane of many a car owner’s existence who has helplessly forked over hundreds of dollars only to find out that there was a $5 sensor that needed to be replaced. Well, enough of that. The GL1 Vehicle Diagnostic Tool for iPhone plugs simply and easily into your car’s On Board Diagnostics (OBD-II) port, letting you run an app to find out what your car’s actually up to. As a bonus, it will charge your iPhone, iPad, or iPod touch at the same time, although you might look a little dorky with your phone permanently attached to a cord emerging from your dash. (Price – $100)

c. Nintendo Wii U

Well, you can’t blame them for trying. The new Nintendo Wii U is simultaneously one of the most interesting and most bizzare console systems we’ve ever seen, pairing a more powerful, 1080p-capable Wii-like box with an insane controller sporting a 6.2-inch touchscreen, two analog sticks, a stylus, a front-facing camera, a full complement of buttons, an accelerometer and gyroscope, rumble capabilities, a microphone, and stereo speakers. You’ll be able to use the controller’s screen to augment the action on your TV, or release the TV from its gaming duties and play right on the screen. Oh, and it supports all the existing Wii controllers and input devices, meaning there’s going to be some seriously weird pairings before it’s all said and done.

(Price – TBA)

d. Sony PlayStation Vita

The argument can be made that dedicated portable gaming machines are on the way out, but if they are, they’re going down swinging. Take the Sony PlayStation Vita for example. This replacement for the PSP features a five-inch, 960x544 OLED multi-touch screen, a quadcore ARM Cortex A9 processor, built-in stereo speakers, microphone, front and rear cameras, a six-axis motion

sensing system, compass, Wi-Fi, optional 3G and GPS,

a multi-touch pad on the rear, Bluetooth, a memory card slot for expansion, and all the controls you could want, including dual analog sticks, the classic PlayStation action buttons, and shoulder buttons. (Price – $250)

e. Sony PlayStation 3D TV

It was just a matter of time. While the fact that the Sony PlayStation 3D TV exists isn’t all that surprising — it was an obvious choice to use its PlayStation brand to help move some sets — its feature set is. Instead of offering an impressively large canvas on which to play, the PlayStation TV offers up 24 inches of viewable real estate, along with 1080p resolution, quad-speed frame sequential display technology to minimize 3D crosstalk distortion, integrated stereo speakers with a dedicated subwoofer, an included copy of Resistance 3, edge LED backlighting, an included HDMI cable — almost certainly a world’s first — and, of course, included 3D glasses. (Price – $500)

f. Ray-Ban Interchangeables

With the straightforward design of Ray-Ban’s most popular styles, it’s a wonder these hadn’t come out a long, long time ago. Ray-Ban Interchangables turn the company’s venerable Aviator and Caravan shades into three-in-one sets with mirrored, gradient, and polarized lenses included to go with the gunmetal or gold frames, as well as a carrying case for one extra set of lenses. Prepare to be the envy of every State Trooper you come across. (Price – $230)

g. Areaware Alarm Dock

Turn your iPhone into a full-on alarm clock using nothing but a hunk of wood with the Areaware Alarm Dock. Designed by Jonas Damon, this simple piece of beechwood works in conjunction with an app to bring that classic flip clock look to your desk or nightstand, while a cutout keeps your phone juiced up while it’s docked. Of course, you could just use the phone by itself, but where’s the fun in that? (Price – $35)

h. Pit Mitt

Save your hands from a summer filled with random burns and scorched hairs with the Pit Mitt. Featuring synthetic aramid fibers, it creates a flexible barrier between you and the heat of the grill or oven — up to 475ºF — and also offers an extra-long cuff for forearm protection and reversible skills to protect righties or southpaws. (Price – $20)

i. Benchmade 581 Barrage Knife

It’s not exactly a switchblade, but it’s as close as you’re going to get while staying on the right side of the law.

The Benchmade 581 Barrage Knife offers an AXIS Assist locking mechanism that helps you get the blade out in a hurry when it’s needed — such as when fighting off angry flocks of chickens — and a reversible pocket clip to keep it handy. Available with a plain, ComboEdge, or black-coated blade. (Price – $220-$235)

j. Super-Penetration Shovel

Whether you’re planting some trees or burying a few bodies, the Super-Penetration Shovel will get into the ground with minimal effort. Made entirely from steel, this savage shovel features a tapered, pointed blade and fully sharpened sides to dig into even the toughest earth, an accessory foot pad that fits either side, and fully welded blades and handles for a lifetime of use. Also doubles as a startlingly effective zombie-killing tool. (Price – $120)

k. Red Pop

Sure, Apple might have said something today about using volume buttons to take a picture — we’ll take the Red Pop any day. Inspired by the classic camera equipment of designer Brendan Dawes’ father, Red Pop is an oversized grip and dedicated shutter button for the iPhone 4, with a slick retro futuristic design, grippy texture, and delightfully oversized red button. Is it totally necessary? No, but it sure as hell isn’t the craziest iAccessory we’ve seen.

(Price – $75)

l. Norm Tea Kettle

It’s a funny thing: architects are often as good or better at creating common household objects than they are at designing buildings. One example is the Norm Tea Kettle.

Designed by Norm Architects — what, did you think it was named after George Wendt’s character from Cheers?

— this clear glass kettle lets you see the brewing process in action, while the built-in stainless steel steeper with silicone string keeps making the tea as simple as drinking it. (Price –$80)

m. Kanz Field Kitchen

Typical meals out on the trail involve a fire, some beans, and some uncomfortable smells emanating from tents.

The Kanz Field Kitchen brings a touch of gourmet to your outdoor adventure, thanks to storage space for a camping stove, cookware, a working platform, and an optional icebox, and quality construction materials like aluminum and baltic birch plywood. (Price – $600 and up)

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H.

JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011 13

“Ultimate Fighter”

I want to give you a “handbook” that contains information and advice that will help to improve your overall health and fitness level, quality of life, and longevity. This guide contains information from some of my previous articles, as well as new information. We all want to live a long, happy life, and there are steps we can take to make this a reality.

by Adam Bruster

“Health & Fitness Guru”

Follow a Well-Rounded Exercise Routine that Includes Weight Training, Cardiorespiratory Training (walking, jogging, biking, swimming), and Flexibility.

These three components of fitness are of the utmost importance. Weight Training strengthens bones, muscles, tendons, and ligaments, elevates the metabolism, and improves physical function for all ages. Lifting weights on a regular basis prepares your body for physically-demanding tasks such as lifting a couch or television, and helps to prevent injuries associated with heavy lifting. Your body is not in shock when you have to lift a heavy, awkward object if you practice the movements with heavy weights in a gym. I am very surprised that more people don’t injure their backs when helping family or friends move. The following example puts this topic in simple terms: I would not have a person who has never lifted weights walk up to a bar with 200 pounds on it and say, “Drop down and pickup that weight,” without giving them proper instruction on form and technique, yet this is exactly what happens when most people drop down and pickup a heavy couch during a “moving day.” Prepare your body with proper training, and it will better handle physical stressors.

Cardiorespiratory Training helps to lower your resting blood pressure, resting heart rate, increase HDL cholesterol ( “good” cholesterol) and lower LDL (“bad” cholesterol), which results in less plaque buildup in the arteries. With an improvement in aerobic fitness, your heart pumps more blood with each beat, which improves blood flow to all parts of the body. An aerobically trained person can also better handle work in the heat. Numerous studies show that regular aerobic activity helps to improve mood, strengthen the immune system, and reduce mental decline in older adults.

Flexibility is an important component of fitness that most people do not address. Poor flexibility can lead to pain and discomfort, hinder an active lifestyle, and limit people on the most basic daily activities. Poor posture is a major problem associated with lack of flexibility. Some examples of daily activities that suffer from poor flexibility: bending over to lace up shoes, picking up something from the ground, reaching overhead to get a cup from a tall cabinet, and turning your head to look right or left when changing lanes in a car.

Many older adults experience tightness in the calves and decreased flexibility in the ankles, which can lead to “shuffling” instead of a normal walk, often resulting in tripping over something as small as a rug or carpet. The great thing about stretching: It can be performed anywhere without purchasing any equipment.

Benefits from a Regular Stretching Program (www.sparkpeople.com) - Reduced muscle tension - Increased range of motion in the joints - Enhanced muscular coordination - Increased circulation of blood to various parts of the body - Increased energy levels (resulting from increased circulation) Do your best to start incorporating weight training, cardiorespiratory activities, and flexibility exercises into your weekly routine. You will benefit greatly from performing all of these exercises. Remember that you do not have to spend hours in the gym each day; you can be finished with any of these activities in 10-20 minutes. I know that sounds crazy, but it is true. The key to any successful program is consistency, and if that means you only have time to exercise 10-30 minutes, 4 days a week, so be it. That is better than nothing. Consider hiring a Personal Trainer to help get you started. I recommend consulting a physician if you have any medical concerns when beginning a new program.

UFC 132: Cruz vs. Faber – Sat., July 2 – 8PM – MGM Grand Garden Arena – Las Vegas, Nevada Tito “Huntington Beach Bad Boy” Ortiz (16-8-1) vs. Ryan “Darth” Bader (12-1-0):

I hate to see this fight. Tito is a legend and one of my favorite all-time fighters for many reasons. He hasn’t won a fight in almost five years and hasn’t really been too active. He also has had major neck issues that have played a role.

Bader on the other hand is a monster who has only lost to Bones Jones (who may be the baddest man in the UFC right now) and is in the prime of his career at the age of 28. These two are very similar in style with strong wrestling and good punching power. If Tito can put Bader on his back, he has a chance, but I don’t see that happening. I look for Bader to win in a bloody decision where a legend is retired.

Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silva (33-10-1) vs. Chris “The Crippler” Leben (21-7-0):

Fight of the night right here. This fight will not hit the ground. In the past I would call Silva but he is a little past his prime. These two guys have almost identical fighting styles as they both love to stand and bang and wage all out war on their opponents. This will be a slugfest that will look like absolute mayhem, possibly like a bar fight with very little technique, but make no mistake…these cats are technical. Very technical brawlers, and they will be swinging for the fences. I will call Silva by TKO in the third.

Dominick Cruz (17-1-0) vs. Urijah “The California Kid” Faber (25-4-0):

This fight will go to a decision. These guys are too small and too good for it to end before the final bell rings. Faber won the first match up between these two but that was over four years ago. Cruz is a beast but tends to always win by decision. Faber on the other hand will go for the finish always. I think Faber will be the aggressor but Cruz may be too elusive. I predict an actionpacked fight with Faber chasing Cruz around the cage looking for a finish.

Cruz will ultimately score more in the judge’s eyes and will take home the belt. Faber will still pull boppers at the after party.

Presented By: The Gym • 921 West Mayfield #112 • Arlington, Texas 817-652-1555 • www.thegym.org

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by Brian Beard

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14 JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011

GOIN’PLACES

Out and about in DFW with Hannah Allen

Too Old For Rock and Roll?

The first time I felt like an old person at a concert I was only 21. I went to Edgefest back when the Coca-cola Starplex had recently been renamed the Smirnoff Music Center. So, we called it “The VodkaPlex.”

It’s been renamed twice since then so that should indicate how much time has passed.

On that ridiculously hot July afternoon I watched endless throngs of 15-year-old girls and their 19-yearold wannabe thug hipster love interests walk past my blanket. Their teeny-tiny bikini tops and itty-bitty shorts or their super-hard boyfriends did not threaten me, I just found it odd that suddenly I wasn’t the target demographic anymore. I felt sort of strange knowing I could do things like vote and drink legally.

Then a few years ago I volunteered to take my sister-in-law, Elizabeth, to see Taking Back Sunday and The All American Rejects at the Palladium for her 18th birthday.

I’d been a fan of both bands for years – and it showed as I waited in a line composed of teenaged boys in ill-fitting hoodies and girls in skinny jeans and Chuck Taylors I realized it was happening again. I was old. But now I was super-old.

My brother Zaq had just turned 21 and came along for the ride. Hung over from his newly of age ritual of celebrating anything and everything with strong drink he suggested we get a round once we’d entered the ballroom. As a homage to the band Brand New we ordered “SoCo, Amaretto and lime.” I thought he was going to pass out after the bartender asked for $21 for the two drinks but he handed over the cash, dropped a tip in the jar and kept them coming until the headliner took the stage. I ended up next to the soundboard in the back (something always makes me feel comfortable there) while Zaq and Elizabeth crowd-surfed and moshed the evening away. I felt like a mom in a Christmas sweater as I realized I’d discovered both AAR and Taking Back Sunday a year before I was “old” at the Edgefest concert years prior.

The summer following that experience at the Palladium my favorite local band,

Odis decided to call it quits during Memorial Day weekend. I followed them pretty seriously for almost three years and was crushed because I had non-refundable travel plans and missed the last show. By the demographic standard I was already “old” when I discovered them (almost 24) but never felt out of place at their shows.

When I got word their front man, Larry g(ee), was playing a showcase with Ray Johnston Band at House of Blues I called Zaq, took my husband’s arm and headed downtown.

Opening the show was the lovely Phoenix Hart – a girl with a chill sound, acoustic guitar and killer legs. Definitely not a reincarnation of Jewel or Sarah McLaughlin, her songs, “Save Love” and “What Have We Become” spoke to the innately feminine side of me while maintaining a distinctly Texan demeanor.

For some reason Zaq and I decided on SoCo, Amaretto and lime for the evening’s medium – something we’ve only ever done at upscale and established venues – as Larry g(ee)’s horn section and backup singers ushered him, James Brown-style, onto the stage and back into my life.

The coolest thing about this cat is that he is SO good with names and faces. He remembered the three of us right away when we went to chat with him after the performance. He said, “Seeing fans from the Odis days is really special – it makes me feel like our time as a band meant something.”

I was shocked. Every time I saw them I was inspired to be bold, I took courage and tried to have more artistic integrity in whatever I was working on, and was reminded that no matter how rock and roll you think you may be, soul is what will shine through.

As I finished my expensive-ass cocktail it became apparent that age in a “scene” can still be relative. Following the All American Rejects and Taking Back Sunday on VH1 didn’t mean anything to the kids swarming the stage, but showing up and supporting someone you believe in makes you a part of something – part of pushing what touches you; promoting what you believe in.

Autopsy Technician Dear BLITZbudsman: My job used to

be called clerk in the Civil Service Register and I’m the one who got it changed. The pathologists say “Hey, tech, weigh me that brain.” “Hey, tech, get me some slides on that breast.” I don’t just keep track of specimens, I do the resection and prepare slides for the lab technicians and the pathologists themselves when they’ve got to find something unusual.

Mostly they find what they’re looking for. There aren’t that many surprises in my line of work. There’s a thick chart on these people by the time they die and the docs have been taking pics of ’em and sawing off little bits of tissues for months or even years sometimes before these old people are ready to call it quits.

It Or Not type balls, too. You had to wonder how the guy could take a crap without them hanging in the water. Which is how I got the idea of taking them when she was off duty and cutting them into small pieces and flushing them out of my life forever. I know no one saw me do any of this.

Before Dr. __ lost her balls there had been plenty of jokes about her having big balls and you could tell she liked to be described that way. But since she lost them she’s been crazier every day. For one thing, looking at my crotch a lot and I know what she’s thinking. Asking for a transfer would be like an admission of guilt, and it’s pretty serious to be messing with a doctor’s specimens. What should I do?

– Prickly Heat

Most of them really are old and know their time has come and aren’t going to put up a fight. Docs have told me some of ‘em can carry that look of pride they’ve got on the ward right up to the end. Others look like they just got their fingers stuck in the light socket, which is creepy sometime— as if they knew I’d be standing over the dissecting table looking down at them. As if the ghost they’d seen was me.

I never talk about the way I work but I sometimes talk about the other techs.

Over time I’ve noticed that the ones who like the work too much get transferred out or end up with chronic depression or borderline personalities. By the way, most of us are normal around dead meat in our civilian lives. There might be some jokes at Thanksgiving when my girlfriend asks me to carve, but I don’t mind. Beats the hell out of having to watch someone with no concept of anatomy go after a golden bird till it looks like it’s been shredded with a fork.

So why am I writing? What’s wrong with my life? The money’s good. I’ve got friends. My girlfriend and I will probably get married. But I did something stupid at work. There’s a lady doctor on staff, not my favorite, who likes to keep a lot of jars of sh!t on her desk. They all do it, it’s like having souvenirs, but this lady had a pair of balls for about six months and they were starting to get to me. They were Believe

Dear Prickly: If you’ve had any religious training—an eye for an eye, etc.— forget it. Much as you would like to put a smile back on this woman’s face you’ve got your girlfriend to consider, your impending marriage and possible progeny.

In my day pathologists were good-humored sorts with a taste for slapstick, but I remember a woman a bit like the one you describe who was eaten alive by her own Dobermans—five, if I’m not mistaken— and all because of her misguided attempts to convert them to Christianity. This may or may not have involved castration but they were her dogs, so all their balls were hers to do with as she pleased.

Let’s hope for less drastic sequelae in you case. You should be able to keep an eye out for big balls and snip them off while the donor is awaiting transport to a mortuary. No one will raise a fuss about the missing equipment as long as a full autopsy has been carried out. Funeral directors are unlikely to inform the recently bereaved about the practice of taking “souvenirs.”

With a pair of massive testicles once more swimming in and out of her ken all day your colleague’s necrophilia should be assuaged and your prickly heat will go away.

Write to the BLITZbudsman at blitzbudsman@blitzweekly.com

JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011 15

Recently I found myself ambling down the aisles of a Target. I am not really here to buy anything, but it’s hot as hell outside and I am hoping that some consumer capitalism cupid will dart me soon and release the purchasing power endorphins I know will help me be a shopping hero and get the economy on track. We all have to do our part you know, and I am going to save America one Indonesian-made discount impulse purchase at a time.

As I roam I am thinking to myself, you know this place seems nice, but it smells a bit odd and I wonder: should the automotive department be a bit farther away from the home décor section? Does anyone really buy popcorn and corn dogs before loading up on mid-range bedding and outdoor lighting? It smells like Mr. Goodyear had sex with a Bed Bath and Beyond in the back of a movie theater.

I don’t know how they do it, but I cannot navigate a Target without winding up in the card aisle. There they are…the sad, picked-over Father’s Day cards some stock person has yet to replenish with whatever the next contrived Hallmark holiday occasion is. However, to be fair, the cards really do serve a purpose. Hell, I would gladly pay $3.98 to have someone write someby Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective”

viously you must understand why we can charge no less than eighteen dollars a pound for this fruit.”

And for all the bells and whistles, for all the interesting stories and crazy wrappers, the food spoils five seconds after air hits it. I made the mistake of buying a loaf of bread from one of these specialty shops, and in the span of 48 hours I was the proud owner of a third place in an elementary school Science Fair.

What in the hell am I going to do with 16 slices of bread in less than two days? I’m no master chef, and even if I was I would be hard pressed to find enough creative ways to ingest a full loaf of bread.

To hell with natural and pure--load my food up with preservatives. I want the food to last the tests of time, to carry on even after an atom bomb hits the land and wipes away humanity as we know it. I want the next generation of explorers sifting through my remains to fully understand what my last meal was, because 80 years later that cupcake looks exactly the same as when I first

thing gushing and sentimental for Dad, rather than confront him with the brutal truth. I mean all I really feel like saying to my father on that special day is, “Congratulations! You knocked Mom up and it’s been a 31-year emotional roller coaster of mutual contempt.”

Then I stumble on this gem of a card I was once given by an ex shortly after he left me. I suppose it was a gesture of good will, a “no hard feelings” break up condolence card. The thing was, when I read it all I could think was that it had all the thoughtfulness of a lobotomized squirrel mounting a coconut. You might recognize it…

“Dance as though no one is watching you, Love as though you have never been hurt before, Sing as though no one can hear you, Live as though heaven is on earth.”

So, the Cupid of capitalism has yet to hit the target, I have no shopping endorphins flowing, and this card is evoking vitriolic memories as foul as Satan’s stool sample. I break out my overpriced liberal arts critical analysis toolbox and break this card down…this is what I learned…and it is surprising!

The only time you ever really dance as

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In life there are many “Rawest Cat in the Game!” scams that people get sucked into, and they come in many different shapes and sizes— whether it be Amway, Scientology, or marriage; but no con is more evil than organic food. People that celebrate organic food, i.e. dirty hippies, will tell you how healthy it is to live the organic lifestyle. How much better they feel now that the food they eat comes straight from the earth, untainted by the hand of man. But have you seen the vegan, bike riding, shades away from homeless people as they pour out of the local farmer’s market?

They don’t look healthy; they amble around looking like Tom Hanks in the last five minutes of Philadelphia. I smoke, drink, eat a truckload of red meat, and I’ve yet to be mistaken as the beneficiary of a telethon.

To justify the insane prices charged for this crap, the clerk will sell you with an exotic story of how the food was grown. “Pepe the grape farmer picked each grape by hand, and then placed them in their own individual cloth bags he stitched together by the flickering light of a candle he made himself. So obby Brad LaCour

unwrapped it. I want when I look through the pantry, and I see a box of food advertising tickets to a movie now on basic cable, that it’s still okay to eat whatever’s inside.

We have to unite as consumers, stand up and say, “I want my canned peas to outlast my grand children!” We have to fight the growing health nuts that want us to feel guilty for eating a hot dog. We have to convince that one hot chick working the organic produce section to bang a guy with no real aspiration in life. Okay, that last one was for me, but I still think they’re all good ideas we should immediately start working on. If you want to buy into the ridiculousness of organic food, by all means go ahead. Just understand, for all the money you’re spending on “fresh” food, you could join the Scientologists and become an emperor in space.

though no one is watching you is when you find yourself about two fingers from the bottom of a bottle of Jameson, you may or may not be clothed, and you are making toasts to complete strangers which effectively offend 98% of the room… “Cheers to the queers, applause to the whores, may virginity vanish and prostitution prosper… and f*ck become a household word.” (I vaguely remember making this toast once in a bar.)

To delude yourself into loving like you have never been hurt before is a conscientious rejection of the benefits of learning from your past mistakes. If you sincerely believe you can pull this one off you are a self-loathing codependent and I recommend not applying the same logic to fireworks, unprotected sex, and wolverines.

I lived upstairs from a lady who applied the third line to her impromptu early morning karaoke practice and I called the cops on her.

And the last one…well, I think that Bob Marley wrote that one…so it’s cool.

So, if you ever get dumped, and this card finds its way into your hand just read deep and follow its sage advice: Get wasted, forget common sense, make an ass of yourself and pi$$ some people off, ’cause every little thing is gonna be alright…

blitzweekly.com

16 JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011

Thankfully I’m not a hypocrite so I can’t run for office but if I did then I know my platform. I’ll aim to piss of the right, left and middle because it is fun to watch people squirm when they no longer can control you. Here is what I propose we should fight for our rights to do legally.

by Lee Keefer

“The Human Stewie”

5. Mary Jane There is no argument that tobacco cigarettes cause cancer and other diseases and eventually lead to death. Why does the US government allow us to poison our bodies with something clearly lethal yet something herbal is still illegal. In Oakland, California cafes are setup for the sale of medical marijuana where the proprietors pay taxes, in 2008 alone an estimated 11 million dollars for the Blue Sky Café owner. Personally I find the smell of pot disgusting but if regulated and allowed to only be consumed in smoke shops and cafes then is marijuana really any more or less dangerous than drinking at a bar. Perhaps then instead of always beating up gays in Ft. Worth, the TABC can beat up some patchouli stinking hippies leaving a hash bar.

4. Gay Marriage Simple and to the point, if heterosexuals have to suffer from the pain of marriage then so should the gays. I don’t care about what they do in the bedroom, hell they are lucky if after 7 years of marriage if anything is going on in the bedroom other than sleeping and farting. If I am punished with picking up dirty towels off the flower after the old ball-and-chain then so should any gay that is stupid enough to say “I do”. If I lose sleep thanks to my partners snoring then so should they. If I have to pay some snotty lawyer to get me out of this mistake then they should too. Matter of fact after thinking about this, I’m gay from this point forward…I love show tunes, Liberace and Kathy Griffin now.

3. Prostitution Let’s face it; we all aren’t Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s. If there wasn’t alcohol then most of our population would never get laid and yet still some can’t. Despite the recently romanticized idea of a sexy cougar the truth is not many of us want some old boobies or sagging balls slapping against us in the hot sweat of fornication. When you can’t find a

girl at the bar willing to don a raccoon suit, spank you with a spatula and give you a golden shower then where do turn??? Your local whorehouse would be perfect. It would give all pervs, old farts and uglies a place to go without disturbing the rest of society.

These men and women would fulfill any fantasy and desire for the right price, all while being safe and paying taxes.

2. Human Euthanizing Forget universal government sponsored healthcare, we should think outside the box for a cheaper and easier way to take care of the sick and old. Instead of letting crazy 95 year old grandma rot away in a nursing home for the next 8 years, let’s take her out to the woods and put one single bullet in her head. We still love her. We can put dogs down when they get old and can’t walk, why not humans too? We won’t just euthanize the old and sick, let’s take out those people still wearing Crocs or those who loudly talking on their cell phones in the grocery store. And you who stop at green lights, I’ve got a nice bullet with your name on it next time I have to slam on my breaks because you are too stupid to drive correctly!

1. Speeding on the Tollway We all know the sounds of the sirens of the police pulling us over for “speeding” when we were only going 15 over what that little sign said. If I am in a neighborhood then please pull me over for going 50 down the residential street. If I am safely driving in the left lane of the tollway at 85 mph then leave me alone Mr. Trooper. I paid my tolls and I should be allowed to go as fast as I want. My car was built for speed and for quick maneuvering and you are killing my adrenalin rush when you write me that little ticket. Instead of worrying about me on the tollway, go stop a real criminal from murdering someone…. unless that is me also shooting the person stopped at the green light as mentioned in #2. The tollway should be renamed as “Dallas Autobahn” so people know what they are paying for and cops can protect us from the real dangers of society like another year of watching Ryan Secreast and American Idol.

Red Dog Right 3311 East State Highway 114 Southlake – 76092 PH: 817-289-7444 • www.reddogright.com The Story This just-opened sports bar wedged between an upscale steakhouse and an IHOP is located in a vacated Red Lobster restaurant on the Hwy 114 access road.

When the owners planned a Twin Peaks at the location, local residents tackled the idea claiming it would taint their community.

Management called an audible on the local’s defense, adjusting the theme of the establishment to be more family-friendly.

The result was an aptly named Red Dog Right, which Blitz readers know is a much used audible call in football.

The Atmosphere Red Dog Right was bustling on a recent weekend night with an interesting mix of singles, couples, and families. The restaurant is tastefully sectioned off with different sports themes inside, allowing the singles to be singles with no interference calls from those with families.

The 19th hole bar was packed inside, as was the Suites, an outdoor patio which has a Caribbean feel with its open air bar.

There are over 30 flat-screens located throughout with each seat or table having easy accessibility to at least 3 different sets and programming.

The Menu All menu items are made in house and cooked fresh to order, and most entrees are priced less than $10. For starters, the two choices that stand out are a soft pretzel with a spicy creole dip, or a trio of mini brats served up with kraut and whole grain mustard. Entrees feature burgers, sandwiches, pizza, wings, or soups and salads. The All American burger is a 100% brisket burger ground fresh daily. It is ample and juicy and served on a fresh butter bun. The wings are served up in various flavors and spices, and are meaty with a perfect crispiness. A favorite is the Agent Orange served with jalapeños for an extra zing. Pizza lovers will find the

by Tony Brumagen

“Hungry Grown Man”

usual cast of characters served up on a nice crispy crust. The favorite selection here is the Mediterranean, made with goat cheese and mozzarella and topped with arugula, feta, and red onions. All ingredients were fresh and piping hot, and perfect for Greek salad lovers. For sandwiches, you can go with the Man vs. Sandwich sporting 15 ingredients and served on a sourdough bun to satisfy the big appetite. Or choose the NY Style Reuben with corned beef and the house kraut. The sandwich is served on a fresh thick cut marble rye and the kraut is tasty with acrunch. The best salad features a roasted chicken and grapefruit selection with lemon vinaigrette dressing and topped with spiced pecans. The sweet and spicy combo works together nicely and the greens are fresh and crisp as well.

Desserts are plentiful and will satisfy your sweet tooth. The Banana Pudding for 2 is $6.25 and is creamy and rich with lots of the good stuff packed in.

Blitzworthy Red Dog has a happy hour Monday thru Friday from 4-7pm.Check out their Facebook page for details. The bar boasts 29-degree beer with 20 selections on draft and plenty of bottles to choose from. The drafts tasted were fresh and the temperature was as cold as advertised.

For specialty drinks try the Big Dog, a margarita made with Patron and StGermaine. Alternatively, one of their Adult Milkshakes includes a margarita made with lime sherbet. The bar staff is very friendly, patient and knowledgeable about drinks as well as food items. Special shout out to Blake!

While you are there Sign up for Red Dog Rewards, which is done online at your table. It gives incentives for repeat business and allows you to get to VIP status for even greater rewards.

HORRORSCOPES

Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)

FUNNIES

You’ll have another one of “those dreams,” but at least this time you won’t wake up to find your pillow missing at the Motel 6.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?

A: She still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

A: Skeet.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Q: What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

A: Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

The Private Jet A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.

He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. “Help! Help!” The tower came back and asked, “What’s the problem?” The blind guy yelled, “Help me! I’m blind... the pilot is dead, and we’re flying upside down!” The tower comes back and asked, “How do you know you’re upside down?” The blind guy replies, “Because the sh!t is running down my back!”

blitzweekly.com

JOKES

JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011 17

You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your personal 12-step program.

To answer your question of next Tuesday: Yes, that’s all there was to life.

ACROSS:

1. A type of beer 6. Richly adorn 10. “Oh, my!”

14. Mountain crest 15. Wings 16. Blowgun missile 17. An ultramicroscopic

infectious agent 18. A radar echo 19. Eardrum 20. The right to enter 22. King of the jungle 23. Give rise to 24. An official endorser 26. Competent 30. Commercials 31. Payable 32. Money lent 33. Ascend 35. Box 39. Letter delivery person 41. Embarrassed 43. Tiny parallel grooves 44. Therefore 46. Bell sound 47. Trangression

49. Poetic time of day 50. Swirl 51. A glass or plastic vessel 54. Smile 56. Test 57. Liberate 63. Child 64. Lavish affection (on) 65. Male singing range 66. Biblical garden 67. Parcels of land 68. A Muse 69. Gave temporarily 70. Historical periods 71. Governs

DOWN:

1. Magma 2. Dry 3. Bacterium 4. Decorative case 5. Relaxes 6. Tweed 7. Sickness 8. Secular 9. Rely 10. Mix with impurities

11. Female demon 12. Pergola 13. Expressionless 21. Crown 25. Ow! 26. Donations 27. Ship 28. Place to hibernate 29. Tour of duty 34. Keenness 36. In the center of 37. Be inclined 38. Irritable 40. Postcards and letters 42. Relating to audible sound 45. Boat races 48. Pin 51. ___ nut 52. Rust, for example 53. Spoken for 55. Gunpowder ingredient 58. Drop anchor 59. South American country 60. Freudian stage 61. Carry 62. God of love

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will just barely make People magazine’s list of America’s 20 Million Most Eligible Libras.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

ABC’s Wide World Of Sports never thought it’d be able to replace that “agony of defeat” skier, but it didn’t bet on you and the pit bulls.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

It suddenly dawns on you that you’d really be better off without that guy who breaks into your house and hides in the shower with a knife this weekend.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

The sudden increase in the Canada goose population is a mystery to everyone but you, you sneaky little devil.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will find yourself reliving certain parts of your early childhood when an accident leaves you unable to walk or defecate without diapers. Nice.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)

Remember this: Sometimes, a man just has to know when to walk away from the burning school bus on the railroad tracks in East Dallas.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)

You always knew they’d find out about the unemptied wastebasket at the office one day, but somehow you thought they’d be angrier.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)

You claim to be a sex addict, but the term seems to apply some sort of interaction with living human beings. Not just your human hand.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 21)

When you get up Saturday morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving Boeing 737. The answer may surprise you.

blitzweekly.com

18 JUNE 29 - July 5, 2011

by Dennis Hambright

When I meet people for the first time and they ask me how old I am, sometimes they seem a little surprised. They’ll say, “You don’t look that old,” or, “You don’t act like you’re that old.” Yeah, yeah, I know you naysayers are saying, “They’re probably just being polite.” Well, maybe that’s true some of the time, but the fact is, I do look pretty damn good for my age, and I feel even better. And when I’m slinging iron at the gym, and look around and realize I can still hang-and-bang with the younger guys, it makes me feel pretty good to know that maybe I’m dodging the aging bullet just a little.

But I’m also a realist, and I know that trying to get a handle on slipping-and-sliding toward the Speed Limit Years of life (55+) is a lot like trying to value a used car. Sometimes they look all stout and shiny on the outside, but it’s that highmileage deductible that gets you. Hell, if I was a used car, and you trimmed down the value for all the high-mileage I’ve ground myself through over the years, it might not seem like I’m worth a damn for trade-in value. But that’s where a lot of people who worry about getting older are missing the point. When they’re figuring their value, they’re looking in the wrong section of the Blue Book of Life. They need to flip on over a few pages to the Classic section, and then they can see what they’re really worth. The point is, there’s nothing wrong with getting older. It’s all in how you look at it, and I think too many guys have the wrong perspective. Hell, I’m not wearing out…

dennishambright.com

I’m turning into a Classic.

What got me thinking about this is something a friend of mine said. Now I’ve got to admit, most of the guys I run around with aren’t known for uttering profound nuggets of wisdom very often, so when they do, I sit up straight and pay particular attention, because I know these little gems of enlightenment have probably been percolating for a very long time, so they must be important.

My buddy was a world champion fighter in a number of pugilistic disciplines over the years, and his name is still legendary in the world of MMA fighters. And even though he’s in his forties now, he’s still in incredible physical condition, and without a doubt, he could definitely open up a serious can of whoop-ass if needed. I say all this because if there were anyone you’d think would want to hang on to his youth as much as any guy would, it would be someone like him, who seemingly has so much to hang on to. Maybe that’s why what he said seemed so meaningful.

Anyway, what he said was: “I don’t want to be twenty again. What I want to be is the absolutely best forty-year-old I can possibly be.”

So see, it doesn’t matter if you’re thirty and want to be twenty…or forty and wish you were thirty again…or fifty and reminisce about your forties.

What matter is, if you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, instead of whining like a little sissy, get off your lazy butt and do something about it, and be the absolute best at what you are.

Whether you like it or not, we’re all heading for those Speed Limit Years, so we might as well buck up and kick it into high gear and enjoy the hell out of it, because slowing down or backing up just isn’t an option.

Vroom-Vroom!!!