Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

VOL. 3 - ISSUE 48

3 by Andrew J. Hewett

BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Judy Chamberlain Is Cookin’ 5 Cowboys News 6 Rangers News 6 UFC 133 Preview 7 COVER STORY: Annual Beer Issue Best Beer Specials In Town 8 How To Be A Home Brewer 9 Meet Head Brewer Cam Horn 10-11 Stay-At-Home Beers 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Kylee 12 Girls vs. Boys 13 Food Review: What ‘Cha Cookin’? 13 Blitz Toys 15 Instant Karma 15 The Jett Stream 16 Can This Job Be Saved? 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Fire Up That Stogie 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam PHOTO EDITOR Darryl Briggs Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor Judy Chamberlain COVER Cover Photography: Darryl Briggs STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Ronnie Baker, Georges Biard, Yu-Ping Chen, krissikes STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Jack E. Jett, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Hannah Allen, Brian Beard, Jay Betsill, Barbara Gerovac, Greg Gerovac, Andrew J. Hewett, Jonathan Sullivan CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com

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CASH IN YOUR POOP

A suburb near Taipei is showing the rest of the world how to find its way out of the Great Global Depression—a pay-for-poop plan that will benefit us all. No matter the means—if you’re not embarrassed by going places with a little shovel at the ready, have at it. Or wear rubber gloves all day—you probably should anyway—stoop down and scoop up dog poop wherever you find it. When you hand in the waste to special government poop teams you will be given a ticket to a special drawing. Three winners at each drawing will be awarded gold ingots (the most valuable is worth $2,100US). Since the number of drawings is

unlimited and professional pooper-scoopers are probably rare in any society, your chances should be pretty good. On the other hand the Chinese may have got the jump on us. The mainlanders have had great success in eliminating the housefly. They may have a flair making the world a little more livable to compensate somewhat for their ability, as one of the world’s most populous nations, to produce waste products of all kinds in staggering quantities. A recent documentary focused on waste dumps being picked over by enterprising children—piles of refuse as far as the eye can see. It’s hard not to imagine a Great Crap Desert rivaling the Gobi in size… But back to poop. We wonder if the government poop teams are keen-sighted enough to distinguish dog poop from the human variety. And why would the Chinese, known for making use of anything and everything in their cuisine, ignore the commercial possibilities of their own poop? Fewer flushes would mean more water for other uses. There might even be a reduction in noise pollution. Go ahead, make a face, but the plain truth is, poop is increasingly food for thought.

BEEF UP AIRLINE SECURITY

The recent incident involving the thrashing of a pilot by a couple of belligerent brothers has us wondering if all the new airline security measures are getting the job done. The pilot was beaten as he helped to remove two drunken louts from a flight to San Francisco from Miami. After being hit in the face he was chased into the terminal before the brothers Baez could be subdued. They’ll face federal charges and no doubt serious jail time—all to the good—and the other passengers on the plane had their flight delayed by two hours. The crime here is not the delay or the assault on the pilot. The crime is that the airlines were unable to entertain their passengers during the delay by beating the crap out of the attackers. Is it too much to ask that they provide a security detail on long flights? One beefy veteran or MMA fighter? Forget having him serve coffee— just let him walk up and down the aisles looking for trouble and beating the crap out of anyone who gives it to him. TSA people are just doing their jobs. They

don’t get any secret delight from asking us to take off our shoes. Airline employees just want us to get where we’re going, on time if possible, and in reasonable comfort. Yes, the food stinks and the entertainment is more of the same pap that’s spewing from little screens all over the land, but much worse than the laws that make us conformists for the nonce are narcissists who refuse to accept laws that annoy us all equally. Anyway, if we don’t miss our guess, conforming to the law is about to have a whole new meaning for the brothers Baez.

www.chewednews.com

IT’S POTTY TIME July 20, 2011, the Associated Press reported some rich folks were hoping to help reinvent the toilet: “At the AfricaSan Conference in Kigali, Rwanda, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation announced $42 million in grants to encourage innovation in the capture, storage and repurposing of waste as an energy resource.” (Unmanaged human waste, nesting diarrhea-related diseases, is estimated to take the lives of 1.5 million children yearly.) ANYBODY REALLY CARE? “Shocking” news from Honolulu, July 21, 2011: an excavation crew made a startling discovery at the bottom of Pearl Harbor, finding a human skull they suspect belonged to a Japanese pilot killed while bombing America’s fleet on Dec. 7, 1941. According to the Navy News, “Archaeologist Jeff Fong of the Naval Facilities Engineering Command Pacific said efforts are underway to identify the skull.” (Since WWII, at least a million people and probably a lot more have died from aggressive actions, with their names never known. Now, two or three generations later, who really cares? Do you...really?) DID THEY MAKE WAVES? According to the Connersville, Texas police, as reported by Houston’s KIAH-TV Channel 39: Reserve police officer Myron Helms, 39, joined his girlfriend, Victoria Cross, 40, to add a higher degree of pleasure to their swimming experience at Roberts Park Family Aquatic Center. What they did, in waist-deep water, was have naked intercourse for almost a half hour, all the time being observed by an audience of men, women and children – some in shock, some in shame, some slipping into a “romantic” frame.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger Photo Courtesy: Georges Biard

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with Harrison Ford by Vivian Fullerlove

“Entertainment’s Real Critic” vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com

He’s saved the galaxy. He’s saved the Holy Grail, and this week, he’s saving the Old West, from aliens...yes aliens. Harrison Ford co-stars in the western, sci-fi thriller Cowboys and Aliens. Set in the late 1800s, a spaceship arrives in Arizona to take over the Earth, starting with the Wild West region. It’s up to a group of cowboys to stop them. Ford discusses what drew him to the film and how mixing the two very different genres makes perfectly good sense.

How did you get involved in a film called Cowboys and Aliens?

The title’s been the same since the beginning... Cowboys and Aliens. My interest in it was the cowboy part of the story, to be frank. Happily, that’s the prevailing component. It is cowboys and aliens, meaning when the aliens come along and stuff happens it goes back, wisely I think, to being a cowboy movie, because that’s what makes it fresh.

And you play Woodrow Dolarhyde. How was that experience for you?

The opportunity to play a character like Woodrow Dolarhyde, who makes no apologies for his frailties, is kind of a delight for me at this point in my career. I thought this character was one that was very well-articulated and had the opportunity for becoming more interesting as we went through the process. My real hook was the character and the opportunity to play a character somewhat different to what I had done in the past.

by Jonathan Sullivan “Popcorn Junkie”

www.movietobo.com

I have got to say, I thought the combination of the two was a little odd when I began hearing about the movie.

It makes perfect sense because here is an opportunity to take advantage of the humanity of the Western, the elemental nature of the Western and its attachment and importance to American culture, and then to fold into it a sense of contemporary interest and the opportunity to bring modern filmmaking devices to the Western.

You co-star with the amazing Daniel Craig. Did you know him before you two worked together on this film?

I hadn’t met Daniel before. I knew his work and was very impressed by it, both his work as a leading man and other character things he’s done as an actor which are very impressive; so I was delighted to get the opportunity to work with him and he turned out to be a very generous person to work with: wonderfully capable, quite serious about it, and yet, a lot of fun to hang with.

If you want to hang with Harrison, Daniel and the aliens, you can do that tonight! Cowboys and Aliens is playing at theatres nationwide and the film is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of Western and sci-fi action and violence, some partial nudity and a brief crude reference.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER Captain America: The First Avenger was the movie that Marvel Studios couldn’t afford to screw up – the last piece of the puzzle before next year’s superhero team-up movie The Avengers. Captain America is the heart and soul of the team and its most iconic figure. If Captain America: The First Avenger turned out to be a trainwreck, it would destroy all the work the company has put into their movie universe. No pressure? Luckily, this film has the perfect lead and the right balance between realism and comic book sensationalism, and is clearly the best movie in the Marvel Studios stable. Yes, even better than Iron Man. Captain America: The First Avenger takes place in the year 1942 and stars Chris Evans as Steve Rogers. Declared unfit for service due to his small stature (not as off-putting visually as the trailer made it seem) and a laundry list of health problems, it looks like his goal of serving his country and stopping the Nazis will remain just a dream. That is until he meets German immigrant turned Army scientist Dr. Abraham Erskine (Stanley Tucci), who convinces him to volunteer for a supersecret military project intended to turn ordinary people into super soldiers. The experiment is a success, and Rogers goes from tiny and sickly to tall, muscular, and powerful. Initially used as a prop to sell USO bonds to the American public, the newly minted Captain America is called into action to fight a splin-

ter group of Nazis known as HYDRA. Led by Johann Schmidt (Hugo Weaving), they have harnessed a mysterious supernatural power and are planning to use it for the purposes of world domination. Evans makes a perfect Captain America, never letting the cheesy aspects of the character seem so; instead, his earnest portrayal gives weight to it and makes it believable. Weaving channels his inner Werner Herzog for his role of Schmidt, also known as Red Skull to comic book fans. The rest of the cast is also brilliant right down to the smallest roles. Captain America: The First Avenger may be a cheeseball throwback to old-school adventure films, but still feels like its own movie, mixing in historical accuracy with comic book sensationalism. There’s one unfortunate issue with this film: outside of a few action set pieces, most of the action is contained in a montage as the good Captain starts taking down HYDRA bases. A lot of fun stuff is thus glossed over to move the story along. Outside of that, this is pure fun and the best superhero movie of the summer. It can get a bit cheesy and over the top, but for comic book fans everywhere this will be the kind of movie they have been waiting for. Most importantly, it’s the best lead-in to The Avengers that Marvel Studios could have hoped for.

Wed 8/3

While Judy’s new CD isn’t out yet and an old one is too specific to give an idea of her vast repertoire and stylistic range, more than a dozen of her best recordings can be heard on her website, judychamberlain.com.

Fri 8/5

Wade Bowen Granada Theater – Dallas The Granada is one of the best places in town to hear a singer who’s got something to prove and in this case Bowen is trailing a list of influences that would hold back a lesser talent.

Sat 8/6

Dallas jazz singer Judy Chamberlain is hot! I went to hear her sing recently, and now have some idea what to expect when Judy takes the stage…Anything! From her legendary repertoire of 4,000 American songs Judy covers all kinds of jazz and a good number of the best-written pop and rock songs. And because of her masterful phrasing you’ll hear new things in every song she sings. This is an interpretive artist who can hold her own with the great singers of the past. Her ability to improvise and deliver a strong reading of every song she sings accounts for the fact that great guitarists like Al Viola, who gave Sinatra more than 25 years of his life, gave a large part of the last 10 to Judy. And explains the appearance of her long-time bass player Ben May on a new CD she recorded before moving here from Los Angeles. She’s kept her own band together for many years, liberally laced with some of the best players in the jazz world. After hearing her, whenever and wherever, you’ll find that the lyrics of the songs she sings will be looping through your head long after. The reason what Judy’s doing will captivate you and stay with you has to do with the way she phrases to squeeze meaning out of famous lyrics: the “oleanders in June” of “Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans?” or the famous “tall sugar pines,” or the “something more” that gives the song its edge: “I miss the one I care for…” But phrasing is more than breath control and shaping the motion of the song with rubato (improvised tempo) or ritardando effects (gradual slowing) or by racing ahead and pausing suddenly as if to assess the inner effect of feelings the song had suddenly exposed. Singing like this gives the lyrics to a song more meaning than they have in music that is driven by a pounding beat—which covers just about everything on the charts these days. Of the more than two dozen great songs Judy gave us last Saturday a smattering of the famous lines will recall the richness of her material: In Cole Porter’s great “In the Still of the Night” great hopes give rise to great fears: “Do you love me

Sahara Smith and Dylan LeBlanc Belmont Hotel – Dallas “Barefoot at the Belmont” presents two singers with hot new records and big names a-building. Smith got a lift from T-Bone Burnett. LeBlanc is fresh from a tour with Drive-By Truckers.

Victor/Victoria Kalita Humphreys Theater – Dallas Those who know the story will have more to laugh about in this musical about twisted sexual identities. An upscale production with upscale dining possibilities nearby. Make a night of it.

Sun 8/7

by Sam Chase editor@blitzweekly.com

Thur 8/4

Siddhartha Hip Pocket Theatre – Fort Worth Read the Hermann Hesse novel before attending. The adaptation by Johnny Simons will attempt to explain “a soul’s long quest (for an) answer to the enigma of man’s role on this earth.”

Mon 8/8

IS COOKIN’

as I love you?” or will the dream fade “like the moon growing dim on the rim of the hill…;” in Gershwin’s great “Someone to Watch Over Me,” how could we forget the innocent yearnings of someone who sees herself as a “little lamb who’s lost in the wood?” In “Georgia,” the yearning is for a past full of “moonlight through the pines.” In Carole King’s “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” first recorded by the Shirelles (and the first number-one girl group hit, circa 1961) and covered by contemporary pop singer Amy Winehouse before her tragic death, fear is a refrain that the singer convincingly can’t seem to shake. Michel Legrand’s “Once upon a Summertime” is chock-full of beautiful poetry as is Duke Ellington’s sophisticated “Prelude to a Kiss.” And those who want to hear more well-known songs will hear new things in Judy’s versions of them; even in “The House of the Rising Sun,” and especially in “The Prayer,” made popular by Celine Dion and Josh Groban. Once again, phrasing and musical assurance make the Chamberlain versions stand apart from any you’ve heard. When old music interests us in new ways the thrill is completely different from the thrill of recognition. Yes, it’s good to hear the old favorites done by someone who knows them inside out, but when that someone finds new poetic possibilities in the lyrics and musical possibilities in the arrangements the past has not only been brought to life, it is gaining in richness as we listen. True originality is in the interpretation the artist brings to the art form. The feeling, watching Judy, is of being privileged to hear what music sounds like as an interplay between composer/lyricist and interpretive artist—without the special effects that mass audiences associate with stardom. Quietly and memorably she is coaxing the best out of her fellow musicians and giving the best of herself at one corner of the Grapevine Antique Mall in a small restaurant called Momma What ’Cha Cookin’ every Saturday afternoon for two hours. And she’ll be heard at the Lakewood Bar and Grill on Aug. 28 from 2-5 of a Sunday afternoon.

Open Stage House of Poets – Richardson The website asks: “What are you doing on Monday night?” Well… these folks appear to have escaped from a traveling circus, but their energy and imagination are undeniable.

Tues 8/9

JUDY CHAMBERLAIN

$2 Movie (Rango) Plantarium, UT – Arlington Part of an ongoing program to beat the summer heat with cool programs. Watch this acclaimed computer-animated film on the big screen at the Planetarium for just $2.

Adams, Drake and Piper Trio Times Ten Cellars – Dallas The musicians are John Adams (bass), Mike Drake (drums) and Brian Piper on keys, who was recently heard brilliantly accompanying Judy Chamberlain – so we can vouch for him. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com

Cowboys News

COWBOYS BACK IN CAMP

The Dallas Cowboys are nestled into their home jbetsill@blitzweekly.com away from home at the Alamodome in San Antonio for training camp. While the scenery near the Riverwalk is similar, the characters are changing by the day. The Cowboys have said goodbye to such familiar faces as wide receiver Roy Williams, offensive linemen Marc Colombo and Leonard Davis and running back Marion Barber. These moves were made in order to get the Cowboys under the NFL salary cap. Recall that last season was an uncapped year and the Cowboys were sitting in the neighborhood of $136 million. Defensive tackle Stephen Bowen declined the opportunity to remain in Dallas and signed a five-year $27.5 million deal with their NFC East rival Washington Redskins. In a move to shore up their secondary, Dallas attempted to land prized free agent cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha only to watch him spurn them to join the hated Philadelphia Eagles. by Jay Betsill

“The Man on the Inside”

But all is not lost as the Cowboys re-signed offensive linemen Doug Free and Kyle Kosier. Free, considered a top priority by team brass, signed a four-year deal worth $32 million with $17 million guaranteed. Kosier’s three-year deal is worth $6.5 million with incentives that could push the deal to $8.5 million. Quarterback Tony Romo returned from his season-ending fractured clavicle with favorite target, Pro Bowl tight end Jason Witten, still in place. Miles Austin is suddenly the elder statesman of the receiving corps while the Cowboys are hopeful that second-year receiver Dez Bryant will stay healthy and have a breakout campaign. Since Asomugha will be wearing Eagles’ colors, the

tandem of Terence Newman and Mike Jenkins will return at cornerback and hope to regain their past Pro Bowl form under new defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. Ryan is expected to upgrade the unit that struggled in 2010 but still has linebacker DeMarcus Ware and Jay Ratliff up front to give the Cowboys what might become a vaunted pass rush. The Cowboys still have glaring needs at offensive line and at safety as they head into their first training camp under head coach Jason Garrett. Due to the NFL lockout cancelling the OTAs and the possibility of communication between coaches and players, this particular camp will be vital to the Cowboys picking up on the coaches’ schemes and improving on last season’s 6-10 record. The Cowboys season opens in front of a national TV audience as they play the New York Jets on NBC’s Sunday Night Football on the tenth anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy. When Dallas takes the field, expect to see a handful of different faces filling the holes that were present when they were heading southbound on I-35 for training camp.

RANGERS News

New relievers bring help That the Texas Rangers went 3-4 last week to mmiller@blitzweekly.com maintain a two-game lead in the American League West wasn’t much news compared to the new players they acquired before Sunday night’s trade deadline. Desperately needing bullpen help, the team acquired not one, but two quality right-handers. On Saturday, the Rangers added Koji Uehara and an estimated $2 million in cash from the Baltimore Orioles in exchange for pitcher Tommy Hunter and infielder Chris Davis. The next day they obtained Texas native Mike Adams from the San Diego Padres for top pitching by Mark Miller

“The Dallasite from the North”

earned run average in 48 appearances with opponents hitting just .155 against him. Even better, both new pitchers are under contract to the Rangers for 2012. “It’s not about the next two months, but that’s a priority,” Daniels said. “We’re in a window where we have a chance to win. We don’t want to take that for granted. Our players deserve it and our fans deserve it.” With reserve infielder Andres Blanco returning from the disabled list Sunday and with third baseman Adrian Beltre expected back soon, the Rangers hope to be back at full strength for the final run. Upcoming Schedule: 8/3 @Tigers 6:05 p.m. 8/4 @Tigers 12:05 p.m. 8/5 Indians 7:05 p.m. 8/6 Indians 7:05 p.m. 8/7 Indians 7:05 p.m. 8/8 Mariners 7:05 p.m. 8/9 Mariners 7:05 p.m.

Another mixed week The Rangers split a four-game home series against the Minnesota Twins, then lost two of three against a Toronto Blue Jays team they did the same to last weekend. Beating the Twins 20-6 on Monday and Derek Holland’s fourhit 3-0 shutout of Toronto on Saturday were among the highlights. The lowlights were C.J. Wilson’s two shortest outings of the season, into the fifth inning of a 9-8 loss to the Twins on Tuesday and into the fourth Sunday in a 7-3 loss to the Blue Jays.

prospects Robbie Erlin and Joe Wieland. “We’re excited about our club,” general manager Jon Daniels told MLB.com. “We’ve liked our team all year and we made it pretty clear what area we wanted to upgrade. Koji and Mike were at the top of the list and we were able to acquire both in traditional baseball deals. We gave up four good players, but we got two players that fit an area of need.” Now the Rangers have Uehara and Davis from the right side and Darren Oliver and Arthur Rhodes from the left to set up closer Neftali Feliz. Or if Feliz falters, as he sometimes has, both new pitchers can close. Uehara, a high school classmate of Rangers reliever Yoshinori Tateyama, has walked only eight batters and struck out 62 in 47 innings this year. Davis has a 3-1 record and 1.13

Home, sweet home After the Rangers finish their current road trip with games Wednesday and Thursday at Detroit, they return to Rangers Ballpark in Arlington for a three-game weekend series with the Cleveland Indians and a three-game set with the Seattle Mariners. At 35-21, Texas has the second-best home record in the American League behind the New York Yankees at 37-22. Cleveland is making the first of two trips to Texas after the Rangers swept a four-game series in Ohio in June. After leading the AL Central earlier in the season, the Indians were 2_ games behind Detroit through Sunday. They bolstered their pitching rotation over the weekend by picking up Ubaldo Jimenez from the Colorado Rockies. The Rangers have won eight of 10 games against the Mariners who traded pitcher Erik Bedard to Boston.

Crossword Solution

by Brian Beard

“Ultimate Fighter”

MLB: Indians vs. Rangers Fri. Aug. 5 – 7:05PM – Rangers Ballpark – KTXA 21

The Tribe returns to Texas behind the arm of Fausto Carmona. The start of this three-game set has serious playoff implications for both teams. The Indians would like to take command of the AL Central while the Rangers are trying to hold onto first place in the AL West. The Rangers have acquired some bullpen help to put away games.

NASCAR: Good Sam RV Insurance 500 UFC 133: Evans vs. Ortiz Sat. – Aug 6 – 8pm Wells Fargo Center – Philadelphia Dennis “Superman” Hallman (65-13-2) vs. Brian “Bad Boy” Ebersole (47-14-1):

Can you say experience? The two guys have almost 150 professional fights between them. Both are good wrestlers who have been doing well as of late. There is nothing that either of these guys can do to one another that will surprise the other; they’ve seen it all. That being said, this fight will go to a decision. They will both rely on their wrestling but Ebersole will get the better of Hallman this time. Ebersole by unanimous decision with a lot of wrestling and ground and pound.

Vitor “The Phenom” Belfort (19-9-0) vs. Yoshihiro Akiyama (13-3-0):

Akiyama had big expectations when he came to the UFC. Many thought he would be a legit title contender. He has not done too well thus far, losing his last two and going 1-2 in his UFC career. Belfort is a legend that just lost by crazy KO to Anderson Silva. Belfort has very explosive hands and a great ground game. Akiyama has great judo and big power. In the clinch and in the cage I give the edge to Akiyama but anywhere else it is Vitor. I think Vitor will knock out Akiyama in the first round. The guy is a major hawk.

Rashad “Suga” Evans (20-1-1) vs. Tito “Huntington Beach Bad Boy” Ortiz (17-8-1):

Okay, so I had to eat crow the last UFC when Tito defeated Ryan Bader. I really thought that Tito’s prime was well behind him and since he has been one of my favorite fighters that was tough to say. I was truly happy that he won. I should have learned my lesson but I am going to go against him again. Both are good wrestlers but Rashad is better. Tito has much improved striking but Rashad is much faster and more explosive. I call Rashad via TKO in Round 2. I would love to see Tito prove me wrong again, though!

Presented By: The Gym • 921 West Mayfield #112 • Arlington, Texas 817-652-1555 • www.thegym.org

Sun. Aug. 7 – Noon – Pocono Raceway – ESPN

It’s been less than 60 days since NASCAR visited “The Tricky Triangle.” Love it or hate it, the odd design makes the setup of the car and the crew’s ability to make chassis adjustments even more crucial than at other tracks. Greg Biffle took home the checkered flag last year when it was the Sunoco Red Cross Pennsylvania 500.

IndyCar: Honda Indy 200 Sun. Aug. 7 – 1:00PM – Mid-Ohio Sports Car Course – Versus

Dallas Polo Club

L E A R N T O P L AY P O L O NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG

C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1

Get ready for 85 laps of rip-roaring fun! Chip Ganassi Racing has been the winning team the past two races and last year the race was won by Dario Franchitti. The history of open-wheel races has a unique footnote here as the race has been won consecutively on six occasions, including four times in a row from 1991-1997.

MLB: Yankees vs. Red Sox Sun. Aug. 7 – 7:00PM – Fenway Park – ESPN

There isn’t a better rivalry than Yankees/Red Sox in all of baseball. Currently the Red Sox have the lead in the division but by game time it could be the Yankees. Perhaps newly-acquired pitcher Erik Bedard will be on the mound. The Yankees will be without A-Rod’s talents. This should still be a nice battle to take in.

RANGERS

PGA

BEER SPECIALS LOCATION

SUNDAY

Best Beer Specials in Town

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

$2.50 Domestic Bottles & Drafts

$3.50 Premium Drafts 4-7pm

Big Shucks 6232 East Mockingbird Lane Dallas (214) 887-6353 www.bigshucks.com

$1.50 Domestic Drafts $1.50 Import Drafts $7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Import Pitchers 3:30-6:30pm

BlackFinn American Saloon 4440 Belt Line Rd. Addison (469) 374-7667 www.blackfinndallas.com

$3 Domestic Drafts $3 Import Drafts $3 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles 4-7:30pm

$2 Domestics Pints $2.25 Domestic Bottles $1.50 Pint - Miller HL $5 Pitchers Miller HL 11-7pm

Buffalo Wild Wings Various Metroplex Locations www.buffalowildwings.com

$3 Domestic Talls 2-7pm 9-11pm

Duke’s Original Roadhouse 4180 Belt Line Rd. Addison (972) 503-2337 dukesoriginalroadhouse.com

$2 Domestic Drafts $6 Domestic Pitchers $8 Premium Pitchers 11-8pm Tower of Power - Dom. - $18 Tower of Power - Prem. - $20

$1 off draughts 4-7pm

Angry Dog 2726 Commerce St. Dallas (214) 741-4406 www.angrydog.com

Buffalo Joe’s 3636 Frankford Rd. Dallas (214) 483-5225 www.thebuffalojoes.com

SATURDAY

Flying Saucer 14999 Montfort Drive Addison (972) 991-7093 www.beerknurd.com

$3 Texas Pints Open to Close

Ginger Man 2718 Boll Street Dallas (214) 754-8771 www.gingermanpub.com

$1 off draughts $2 off pitchers 3-6pm

$2.25 Domestic Drafts $2.50 Domestic Bottles $7 Pitchers $7.75 Shiner Pitchers 11:30am - 9pm

$1.75 Domestic Drafts $2.75 Import Drafts $2.25 Domestic Bottles $3.25 Import Bottles 4-7pm

$2.75 Miller High Life (All The Time) $3.00 Pints & Domestic Bottles - Noon-7pm $10.25 Domestic Pitchers 11-7pm

$3 Domestic Drafts $4 Shiner Bock Drafts $5 Craft Beers 11-7pm $10.50 Triple Brew Maredsous Bottles - All The Time

Sharky’s Bar & Grill 17453 Preston Road Dallas (972) 713-0201 www.sharkysnorthdallas.com Sol’s Nieto Mexican Grill 6334 E. Mockingbird Dallas (214) 826-5564 TimeOut Tavern 5101 W. Lovers Lane Dallas (214) 956-9552 www.totdfw.com West End Pub 1801 N. Lamar Street Dallas (214) 748-5711 www.westendpubdallas.net

9 by Barbara & Greg Gerovac Home Brewers

editor@blitzweekly.com

How to Be a

Home Brewer L

ike many professional brewers, our passion for beer started long ago, developed into home brewing as a hobby and eventually turned into a career. So when our friend Judy Chamberlain, Blitz Weekly’s Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor, asked us to write an article on home brewing, we thought: “Where do we begin?” Our own first home brewing adventure occurred in the early 1990s. We were living in Germany, and on Greg’s birthday we got one of those kits that make 2 1/2 gallons of beer. The instructions were a bit vague, and the results were not good. We wondered, “Why are we doing this? There’s a fantastic local brewery less than a mile away.” The kit went into the closet, where it stayed for several years. Then we moved to upstate New York, where the length and severity of the winter forced us to look for a new “indoor” hobby. We made contact with a local brewer, the local homebrew supply store and a local homebrew club. We started getting compliments on our beer and, eventually, some awards. About 10 years ago, the opportunity for a career change came up. Greg took a job as an apprentice brewer and Barbara did, too. We’ve been brewing professionally ever since. At its most basic level, brewing beer is about extracting sugars from malted grain and using yeast to convert those sugars into alcohol in a drinkable beverage. That hasn’t changed in the thousands of years since the first brewers proudly offered their friends a stone cup of their finest, although our understanding of the processes and the sophistication of the equipment involved certainly have. So rather than try and give a detailed explanation of the specific steps in brewing (there are many good textbooks on the subject), we’ll offer some ideas for aspiring home brewers. 1. Find your local homebrew supply shop. The better ones can be a treasure trove of information. In addition to individual ingredients, most offer kits tailored to the beginner and many hold regular classes for groups of new brewers. Try the class before you invest in any equipment. 2. Understand your recipe. If you’re using a kit, read the entire recipe thoroughly before you begin. Double-check to make sure that you have all of the ingredients you need.

3. Clean, clean, clean. Always sanitize your equipment, and thoroughly clean up afterward. 4. Take good measurements. Invest in a decent kitchen timer, thermometer and hydrometer – and learn how to use them. 5. Take good notes. Along with your recipe, keep a note of times, temperatures, tastes, etc. They will help you re-create your masterpieces (and help you avoid making the same mistake twice). Write down your first impressions of your finished beers. 6. Taste everything. My first boss taught me to taste everything, at every step. Start with the water you’ll be brewing with. Taste the malted barley, rub a bit of hops between your fingers and smell the aroma. Taste the cooled wort, as well as the beer as it ferments. You’ll get to know what to expect, and you’ll be able to tell if something isn’t right. 7. Develop your palate. Try a variety of beers in a variety of styles. Learn to appreciate the differences in appearance, aroma and taste. A Note on Equipment A basic home brewing kit isn’t that expensive, or all that complex. Among the things you’ll need are a brew kettle (a large five-gallon pot will do), a primary fermentation bucket with lid and an airlock to let carbon dioxide out and keep air from getting in. For your finished beer, you’ll need bottles, bottle caps and a capper. There are hundreds of other items you can buy, from glass carboys for fermentation to home kegging systems. This can get quite expensive, so it’s best to wait until you have a few brews under your belt. Barbara and Greg Gerovac are the owners and brewers at the Anaheim Brewery, Anaheim California anaheimbrew.com

10 Meet Head Brewer

CAM HOrn Cam, how long have you been a part of Franconia and what do you do? I have been with Franconia for two of the three years we have been open, and after starting as the unpaid apprentice/intern, I am now the head brewer. That means that I am responsible for all aspects of the beer production process, taking it from raw ingredients to drinkable beer.

How did you get your start in the beer industry? How did you end up joining Franconia? As with a lot of American brewers these days, I started out as a home brewer about six years ago. After building quite the elaborate brew system at home, I decided to try to turn my hobby into something that could make me money instead of just using it all, so I attended the Siebel Institute of Technology for general brewing studies and then received accreditation from the Institute of Brewing and Distilling. The week after I finished Siebel, I went to my local brewery, Franconia, and offered my services for free on my off days. I spent the next six months squeegeeing floors and scooping out hot grain from the mash tun before working my way into a paying gig. Is there a German (Dutch or Belgian) model for the beer you make here? What class of beer does it

most resemble? (Bockbier, Starkbier, etc.) We make several different kinds of beer at Franconia (we actually have two bocks), most of which are traditional German styles, and all of which adhere to the Reinheitsgebot law, which is the German Purity Law from 1516 stating that all beer must be made of malt, hops, water and yeast only. Currently we have a Bavarian Lager, a Koelsch style beer, a Dunkel or dark lager, and our Wheat is a traditional Bavarian Hefeweizen. We also do a number of seasonal/specialty beers like our Altbier or Oktoberfest. Do you plan tie-ins with restaurants or starting your own to showcase your beers? How does that work? We are a microbrewery, so all of our beer has to be sold at stores, bars and restaurants, unlike brewpubs that make beer on site that they showcase; they also sell food but aren’t allowed to sell at other establishments. There are a couple restaurants and bars that feature our beers, but there won’t be a Franconia brewpub anytime soon. Pairings are popular right now. Can you recommend any foods that go particularly well with your brews? Absolutely. The Koelsch and Alt are fantastic with spicy foods because they’re dry and hoppy, and help cut the spiciness and clean the palate. The Koelsch also goes well with citrus fruits. The Dun-

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STAY-AT-HOME BEERS

by Jeff Putnam – Editor Americans who came of age in the 60s are likely to have made a German beer like Löwenbräu the first imported product to have crossed their lips. In the decades that followed the brewing styles of other countries came to the U.S. on a tide of immigration or were brought along by popular cuisines. Mexican beers quickly became popular in Texas along with restaurants catering to the workers who now reside there as well as Anglo converts. Since the middle of the last century food writers like Craig Claiborne have recommended a light blonde beer with Chinese food and most fine Chinese restaurants now serve Tsingtao. Japanese beers like Kirin, Sapporo and Asahi have long competed with sake as the beverage of choice to be served with sushi or, ice cold, with Japanese casseroles and noodle dishes. In the manner of Germany, however, the low countries of Europe have

brewed fine beers for centuries that became known in the U.S. without any change in our demographic or a wave of popularity for a cuisine that brought a taste for beer with it. Like the German product above, Dutch beers like Heineken, Amstel and Grolsch made it on their own (though many other superior beers were stay-at-homes). Belgian brews like Duvel and the Chimay line have also made a name for themselves here.

Those of beer might c ing the trend cuisines hold for beer acco instead, following beer try of origin and quaffin restaurants. Anyone do gium, for example, is in One of my first e mussels in Belgium happ car trip to Liège when I center of a forgotten to train station for a meal sliced tomatoes washed first gueuze, a lambic b

Thoughts of Dutch food run to snacks like herring sold on the street or rijsttafel imported from former colonies. Mussels and waffles come to mind when we think of Belgian food and the stereotype is furthered by the Léon de Bruxelles restaurant chain all over Paris where enormous stacks of mussels are consumed along with beer and frîtes.

tried but that friends ha perfect with rich food. The mussels came s ter that had been spike garlic, way too many resting places that had into the platter benea was a good-sized bott

el pairs well with dark fruits, chocolate, grilled eat, bbq and scotch. Lager is nice with seafood, specially shellfish, and melon and the wheat is ood with chicken and pasta dishes. One of my avorites is our Winter Wheat with bread puding.

ill the weakening dollar help you to survive he depression by lessening demand for imported eers? How does the current market give Francoia an edge? he current economic situations have a small efct on the alcohol industry as a whole, because eople are going to drink in good times and in ad. Franconia’s edge over imports lies more with

us who love consider reverswhere national d the door open ompaniments— rs to their counng them in small oing this in Beln for a surprise. encounters with pened during a I stopped in the own near their of mussels and d down with my beer I hadn’t yet

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the local/sustainable movements rather than the price of imports because as of now our beer tends to be about the same price as imports at the tap. The ground we are really gaining in the market is from the big guys. Craft beer all over Texas is growing at very fast rates, and with the big guys controlling 85-90% of the market, there is a lot to gain from them. Would you comment about the American habit, especially prevalent in Texas, of drinking straight from the bottle? Also, of drinking beer ice cold? The bottle is a package, not a serving vessel. A lot of the perceived flavor of a beer is from the aroma, and it’s pretty hard to smell the beer as you drink it from the bottle, and it’s pretty hard to smell when the beer is too cold. The cold also deadens the taste buds, making it even harder to enjoy a good beer. Ice-cold beer from the bottle may be fine for a beer that doesn’t have any flavor anyway (hey it gets hot here, I understand), but craft beer is much better enjoyed from the proper glassware at the proper temperature. Speaking of bottled beer, will Franconia’s offerings be made available in a can or bottle in the near future? Are there any hurdles to overcome to make it happen? Hurdles, hurdles and more hurdles, but yes Franconia bottles will be arriving on shelves in the rela-

gueuze, a brand found all over France as well as Belgium. Like a bottle of champagne, this beer is stoppered with a mushroom cork that is hard to twist off. It has an amber color and the bubbles of the head—as with kriek, its fruit-flavored, lambic cousin—aren’t as small and oily as those found in great beers. But the taste! Gueuze has an astringency that cleans the palate as wine does, but the flavor is unmistakably that of a fine beer. I have since tried many Belgian ales including the strongest Trappist varieties, sweetish brews resembling the Chimays which have been sold in America for years, and even the beer liqueur known as Carolus d’or. Gueuze remains, in my mind, one of the highest achievements of the brewer’s art. Perhaps because of the accompanying gueuze, those plump, nutty, buttery mussels were unforgettable and so was the huge (“beefsteak”) tomato, sliced so many times that my fork fell right through it. Upon finishing the little meal I sat stunned by the goodness of it for several minutes. Those who have

made a deep study of French might be put off by “gueuze,” which was once a word for a ragpicker and perhaps more recently for a penniless tramp or rogue. It also occurs in an expression for chasing after women. Never mind the skirt-chasing, among the beers that are seldom imported, this is the mailorder bride. Tell the proprietor of your liquor store to speak to his importer and put in a word for her.

tively near future. Now that we have the labels approved and the bottles picked out, we will be selling it in one-liter flip-top bottles. All we have to do is get the bottling line and away we go. We are expecting a pretty large demand right off the bat so we have been taking it slow to make sure we are ready to handle it. One of the reasons we didn’t initially bottle was because we wanted to be as environmentally responsible as possible, and have our product go out in a package that would get recycled if we were lucky. It was likely to get tossed in the trash if it didn’t sit well, so we decided to start out with draft only because kegs get reused. What we will be doing now to help encourage recycling of our bottles is offering a discount on our weekly tour if you bring the bottles back to us. Most beer novices are afraid to try anything that isn’t produced by the “Big 3.” How difficult is it to convince the masses to try something new? Not as difficult as it used to be because our industry has grown a lot over the past few years, so more craft beer is being made available all over from pubs to stadiums. More people are being exposed to it, and that exposure means people are more likely to try it. We do regularly run into people who say they don’t like beer or only drink whatever light beer, but it’s really not hard to find something that will please most people. It’s also fun to see people’s reactions to a beer that has so much flavor when they think that macro beers are

all that’s out there. It can sometimes blow them away! We may offer our Dunkel to someone who only drinks wine because they don’t realize that beer can have so many flavors, and light beer drinkers might enjoy our Koelsch. We also make a blonde that makes a good intro to craft beer. Craft beer over the past few years has been growing in popularity nationally. Is that a trend happening here locally as well? New breweries are opening up in Texas almost monthly it seems. It’s a trend that started sweeping across California, Colorado and a few other states 10+ years ago, and has definitely made its way here. Beer drinkers are moving away from the mass-produced beers that have little to offer other than alcohol, to a better tasting locally crafted beer that they can enjoy at one of the many local bars or pubs that have also been moving more towards craft beer. While Austin has led the way in the craft beer boom, DFW isn’t far behind with two craft breweries right now and several more in the works. If you would like to visit Franconia Brewing Company and meet Cam they have scheduled brewery tours every Saturday at 11am. Admission is only $5 per person and well worth your time. For more information visit their website at www.franconiabrewing.com

13 by Hannah Allen

“Out and About in DFW”

Girls vs. Boys

by Judy Chamberlain

Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor jchamberlain@blitzweekly.com

Momma What ’Cha Cookin’ Tearoom Grapevine Antique Mall 1641 West N.W. Hwy. Grapevine, TX 76051 817 733-6697 www.mommawhatchacookin.com

f I asked you right now what your favorite birthday present was I bet you’d say something like a Jet Ski or an iPad or something super-amazing. If you asked my husband he would tell you it was two 11th row tickets to see Tori Amos. Yes, you heard right. That ridiculously amazing rock guitarist I’m married to loves him some Tori. For those of you who are not well versed in the ways of Tori – and I’m guessing there are several – indulge me for a moment. Tori is a redhead who plays piano just this side of spread eagle in exceptionally tight pants. She’s tall and leggy and her favorite band is Led Zeppelin. True Story. What’s not to love? Paul’s love affair with Ms. Amos began during a very late airing of a performance on PBS at the age of 15 or so. When we were kids I found his fascination with her almost comical since he was so deep into bands like Metallica, Tool and the aforementioned Led Zeppelin. It wasn’t until years later I realized that his exceptionally and constantly evolving esoteric taste in music was a profoundly interesting quality and something you didn’t always find in a man. The reason Tori was such a great birthday present was because she came to Dallas on his actual birthday. On that rainy November night we drove to Nokia Theater in Grand Prairie and saw one of the greatest concerts I’ve ever been to. Now, again, stay with me: I’ve seen Eric Clapton, Bob Dylan, System of a Down, Jimmy Page – it’s a boy’s club and I’ve seen the best boys around, so my vote is not one of an ignorant doe-eyed girl – I know quality live music. There is just something about the way she lends atmosphere to a space that is really remarkable and her light show was fantastic. My “Out and About” this week is one I hesitate to use for a men’s magazine but hear me out because it was work-related. An editor I work with sent me down to Deep Ellum for a screening of a documentary about women art-

ists. Now, I know a lot of exceptionally interesting artist-type girls with really extreme looks and lots of tattoos who do fantastic work so you can imagine my inner twenty-something smirk when I walked into LaGrange that evening to find a bunch of Park Cities-style ladies with their Louis Vuitton handbags and $80-apair summer sandals. I ordered an exceptionally stiff drink and took out my notebook worried about what in the world I had agreed to watch. The movie was incredibly engaging and at times very sad. In all of the women artists examined only one stayed married – the others’ husbands could not take their need to create and work and eventually left them. A few days later I found myself on another assignment interviewing local musician Kirby Brown about the album he had recently released. Among other things, we talked about his intense interest in the masculine voice throughout the canon of great literature – something the post-women’s lib brat in me would normally scoff at. This interview was different, though. The type of masculinity he was referring to seemed to be about the positive attributes of being male and the struggle to balance what the world tells him he must be versus who he knows he can be – not in a Don Juan or Hyper-Masculine way but more in the Augustus McCrea from Lonesome Dove kind of way. I’m lucky enough that my work often takes me to establishments where there’s lots to drink so I nursed a Shiner Bock and mulled this one over. I realized that I compare Tori to the boy’s club of rock and roll while Paul, a member of said boy’s club, sees her as a counterpart to his side of the guitar-slinging equation. The born-free child of feminism sometimes forgets that the world needs both sides and that checking things out from the opposing side’s point of view can be inspiring in dollar store flip-flops or $80 sandals.

Momma What ’Cha Cookin’?

The best chicken salad you’ll ever eat… Arriving in North Texas from Southern California in the middle of the mini-blizzard that got us all snowed in last winter, I drove into a parking lot in Grapevine behind a sign that read “Upscale Resale.” The weather was freezing, and I needed a flannel nightgown. I found one, too–-never worn, for a dollar. I also found the homespun, vintage Americana, Grapevine Antique Mall. Every town should have a store like this. The antique mall had closed for the day by the time I finished shopping in the resale store, but a Tearoom poster was visible through the doorway. I was intrigued. Having just driven across country, I yearned for a home-cooked meal, especially one cooked by someone other than myself. And I had a strong hunch that Momma’s was going to be an important discovery. I’ll explain. After nearly a half-century of performing and a quarter-century of writing about restaurants, I have an uncanny ability to locate unique dining situations. Once, en route to Los Angeles after entertaining with my 10-piece band at a society wedding in Tucson, I made my bass player, who was driving, stop for gas in front of a nondescript place in Quartzite, AZ—in the middle of the Mohave Desert. Inside, at a little counter, I discovered that I’d lucked into homemade chocolate chip cookies and sandwiches made with fine, freshly flownin Maine lobster. Delicious, and so unexpected! The next time I drove through Quartzite, several months later, I timed the trip to include lunchtime at the same truck stop. The lobster sandwich, no mirage, was as good as I’d remembered. So there I was in Grapevine, TX, totally out of my Los Angeles element, and I knew I was on to something good. I thought about that little tearoom for days and, finally, when the ice from the second snowstorm had melted, I made it back to Momma’s.

Momma, What ‘Cha Cookin’, operated by Janice Blackman and her sisters, Barbara, Toni and Donna, is a tribute to the hospitality and recipes of their late mother, Ruby Lee Whatley Goram. In this warm environment, customers become friends and everyone lingers awhile to enjoy delicious food and bask in the glow of a trip back in time. Grapevine Antique Mall is a good setting for it. Janice, who was her mother’s helper in the kitchen, is the chef. Momma’s “Church Lady Chicken Salad Sandwich” is billed as being the best chicken salad sandwich you’ll ever have— and it is. Lately Janice has taken to making French onion soup, dipping gigantic strawberries in good chocolate and serving the richest homemade dark chocolate cake in Texas. Her macaroni salad, potato salad, pecan pie and chocolate pie are sublime, and the sweet fresh fruits she uses as garnishes and for her fruit salad platter are the most luscious available in the marketplace. This is no sissy tearoom. Men love the place as much as women do. When Janice and her five siblings were growing up, family dinners were eaten together every night. Their daddy insisted on it. There was always good music at their home, too. So Janice came up with the idea of entertaining folks at the tearoom on Saturday afternoons with some relaxing live music. After I tasted the food at Momma’s, I never really left. And Momma’s is now my musical home most Saturdays from noon to 3 p.m. I sing my favorite Cole Porter, George Gershwin, Alec Wilder and Elvis Presley tunes. I’ve recruited the best musicians in Texas to perform with me. Working at the tearoom gives us an opportunity to play my arrangements of thousands of songs from every era of American popular music. We don’t get too loud, because people are eating, and the customers talk very little while we’re performing. It’s jazz, but the kind you can listen to easily. The tearoom is thriving, the antique mall is thriving—and my musicians all love this gig. If Janice ever ran out of desserts, though, there would be a riot in the rhythm section.

Whether you’re planning on a repeat viewing of Dark of the Moon or you’re headed in to see the robotic mayhem for the first time, stay true to your inner child by wearing a Transformers 3D Helmet into the theater. Available in Optimus Prime or Bumblebee models, they contain the same RealD lenses you’ll receive at the theater, letting you look either less dorky or more dorky (depending on your level of robo-love) while you enjoy the 3D action. (Price – $10)

If only we’d had this in middle school. The Electric Paper Airplane Conversion Kit is exactly what it sounds like – a motor-driven propeller for your dead tree creation that can extend flight time up to 90 seconds, clips easily onto the nose of your plane, is made from carbon fiber so as to not weigh things down, and recharges in 20 seconds off the included charging box powered by three AAA batteries, getting you back up and flying in as little time as possible. (Price – $20)

Star Wars-based adventures have long been available for consoles, but this is the first time we’ve seen the franchise applied to a console. The Star Wars Xbox 360 features an R2-D2-inspired paint scheme, a matching white Kinect sensor, a C-3PO-themed gold wireless controller, a 320GB hard drive, a wired headset, the Kinect Adventures game, and the new Kinect Star Wars game. (Price – $450)

Instant Karma: Is there order in the universe?

ometimes in life there are moments where you find mental images so jarring, so incongruous with the expected conditions of reality that you can’t help but laugh. Such was the case when I found myself caught completely unaware, when a friend of mine was describing an infant that was born without a neck and with a peanut-shaped head. I suggested quite innocently that at least it could grow up and become a linebacker or enter some other profession where necklessness was a virtue. However, this was under the assumption that the infant in question was a boy. When she informed me that it was, in fact, a girl, I fell over the laughter cliff and found myself convulsing and spiraling down the drain of the giggle loop, even though I was fully aware of how wrong it was to be laughing at such a terrible misfortune. For those of you wondering what a giggle-loop is, it is where you find yourself laughing uncontrollably at something, or in a situation that is completely inappropriate. The self-acknowledgment of the inappropriateness only compounds the absurdity and you laugh even harder, and depending on the situation it may be very hard to prevent an infinite laughter recursion. The longer you spend in the giggle loop, however, the longer you may have to endure future karmic suffering. For all the skeptics out there, including myself, who may dismiss karma as new age superstition, I decided to do my own research and data collection. After recovering from my un-

controllable laughter convulsions, I kept my eye out for any karmic reparations that might be coming my way. Without some kind of evidence of karma, the universe is essentially random and chaotic, an idea that I have issues with. In this kind of universe the bad guys win, love does not conquer all, and good people suffer. The universe throws curve balls without regard to bad or good things you may have done in the past. However, the idea of karma seems to put order back into things. In some way, it’s like a good ending to a movie. If you collect good karma throughout your life, the good guy will win and love will prevail. Happiness and blessings will come your way if you put love and good will out into the world. Still, without proper qualitative case study analysis, my theory had no weight. That is, until I had the worst haircut of my life. I must admit, with some humiliation, that I was drawn to this particular salon through blatant marketing alone. The place was newly renovated in a beach and surfing theme and they donated three percent of all their profits to

by Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective” jwhitman00@gmail.com

some Save the Sea Turtles foundation. Even though the donations would probably only fill the gas tanks of a soccer mom driving around to all the sea turtle nests on the weekends, the sea turtles need all the help they can get. I specifically asked for a trim and what I got was a hair raping. As much as I hate my Jew-fro and it’s uncontrollable curls, I miss it more than ever now that I look like a sheared poodle. The flaming bitch must hate women because he basically violated my hair by cutting it as close to the hair follicle as he could without making my scalp bleed. However, looking like an angry lesbian wouldn’t be that bad if I didn’t have a peanut-shaped head, a fact that this bad haircut so savagely revealed. I made fun of the peanut head without a neck, so it only seemed fair that I should also witness my own peanutshaped head that had forever been hidden under my curls. While I have to walk around with a peanut head, I do find some consolation that perhaps this punishment is hard evidence that there is order in the universe.

Dietician by Jack E. Jett “Jett Streams”

rationalbroadcasting.com

Ben Karlin is on the phone with us. He has won eight freakin’ Emmies. Nine, technically.

Nine? So in addition to being an Emmy whoremonger, he is the former producer of The Daily Show, The Stephen Colbert Show, and now has a book out entitled Things I’ve Learned From Women Who Dumped On Me. Or “Dumped Me,” but I like “Dumped On Me” better. Ben, I don’t know how to start because I’m a man who does a lot of research. I’ve come to find out that you call yourself an a-hole on the net!

I do so jokingly but it doesn’t always come across as a joke, unfortunately.

Okay, so what has happened is that you called yourself one, then some group called the Frappuccino company sued your Wonderland company, and then Gwyneth Paltrow gets into the picture. It’s so confusing. Should we just ignore it altogether? Yeah, it’s a pretty minor thing.

All right. The Things I Learned From Women Who Dumped Me… I read the whole book and it’s really funny. I should point out that I didn’t write the book.

But there were some really cool people writing the book. I especially enjoyed the bit by Dan Savage because I know pretty well why he’s been dumped by women. I think we can figure that out. But why would any woman in her right mind dump you? You’re rich, you’re powerful beyond a riding lawn mower and you’re the official gateway to sex, drugs and rock and roll. Who would drop you? Quite a few people. Not enough, it turns out, to write a whole book on it myself, but I thought it would be funny. Usually these types of books are written by women or for women and I thought it would be interesting to get some guys to talk about being dumped and how it feels and what they learned from it, and to try and make it funny and not really saccharine or anything like that.

I know I’m not supposed to ask which is your favorite, but I’ve got to say that Colbert’s redacted bit is pretty funny.

Stephen wanted to tell a true story about the love of his life that didn’t quite work out and the one caveat to doing it was that his wife got to black out any information that she deemed sensitive. So it reads like a CIA manuscript.

Now that you’re no longer there, at The Daily Show, I want to ask you this question. Do you feel that the show, maybe, has been changing? You know, it’s almost become like a Saturday Night Live. The constant changing of characters. There’s one group we really like and then it kind of gets weak, and then a new group comes in, and I think that’s what I feel about it, the devoted fan. And I think I speak for most Americans. I think it’s safe to say you speak for all Americans.

And Europeans as well. Now, Colbert—did you help to create Colbert’s Report?

Yes. That was a project that was near and dear to me. Stephen and I became very good friends while working on The Daily Show and the opportunity to do a show with him was incredible. He’s an unbelievable guy.

Oh my God, he’s brilliant. Was there a lot of tweaking as to how that character would work? It seems like it would be kind of complicated to play. You know, you’re playing the opposite… Do you know what I’m saying? Yeah, we talked about that a lot, and because Stephen is such a crazy, talented performer in a weird way he can say these things that are reprehensible and unpleasant, but because he himself is such a likable guy and he does it with the exact right calibration, even though he says ugly things it’s not ugly, and it’s just a masterful performance.

I think he’s probably the only person who could get away with that.

[JETT STREAMS airs on Wednesday and Friday from 4 to 6 p.m. on rationalbroadcasting.com]

Dear BLITZbudsman: I’m giving myself the title I had when I was employed by hospitals and school systems. I left that end of the business as my ideas about nutrition became more radical. These days I write for an online health journal and give lectures that are promoted through business groups and health food stores. My only agreement with government propaganda about the right diet has to do with eating lots of fruit and vegetables. Grains, particularly whole grains, aren’t as helpful as we’ve been led to believe. By the same token, meats aren’t as harmful. Toxicity can be a problem if we eat too much meat, but saturated fat is nowhere near as harmful as we’ve been told as long as the diet is supplemented by plenty of alcohol. (Not just wine, by the way. All forms of alcohol are good for us.) Much is made of the empty calories in alcohol but the evidence of its life-prolonging qualities is incontrovertible. Where sweets are concerned I bring good news about dark chocolate and create a lot of long faces with my opinion of popular desserts such as ice cream—except that I feel Häagen-Dazs is better for you than other brands. People who want to justify their unhealthy lifestyles will sometimes take me on but I never lost an argument with one until six months ago. Everything went wrong when I brought out an article claiming that our inability as a culture to fart in public was not only collectively raising our blood pressure but preventing the massive consumption of garlic by Americans,

which would do more for their health than any other dietary change. In no time I was being called Dr. Fartblossom at my lectures when anybody could hear them over the rumbling sounds being produced by childish members of the audience. Lest you think that I have a problem with wanting too much attention, be advised that I always lecture with the windows open and lots of open return air vents. It is well known that Dr. Benjamin Franklin, one of the most enlightened minds of his time, was working hard to find a way to make what was then known as “wind” more socially acceptable. His greatest success was with coniferous plants (pines) either chewed or brewed in tisanes. No doubt his serious work was ridiculed, as mine has been, forcing him to work alone and delaying major breakthroughs. In places like Spain where garlic is held in high regard, parsley is chewed to lessen its effect. The Japanese have developed an odorless garlic, but fellow scientists feel that the sulfur compound that gives garlic its antibiotic, antihelminthic and antihypertensive qualities also gives it the smell we all know so well. I note that colleagues of yours have written about garlic favorably and wonder if we could make common cause in popularizing this wonder of nature without giving more ammunition to the pooh-poohers who never have anything good to say? – Tired of holding back

Dear Tired: I’m well aware of garlic’s health-giving aspect and have suffered the breath of Spaniards full in the face. In the north of Europe my nose has more than once been affronted by people like you who couldn’t hold back—in some instances without any effort to disguise the act’s announcement. The only aspect of your sermon in which I take a keen interest has to do with your blanket endorsement of alcohol consumption. If only I could be sure that you and your acolytes don’t take the roof off at your functions I would even consider attending and cheering you on. Perhaps you should take a moment to consider the way the toilet separates us from our fellow earth-dwellers during calls of nature. A laboratory full of people like you, reeking of garlic and tootling forte is an appalling vision of the future. In fact I doubt that you should be let out of the house at all until your work with Dr. Franklin’s remedies is so advanced that you’re able to slip quietly into any-sized crowd without so much as a quiver of recognition. Write to the BLITZbudsman at: blitzbudsman@blitzweekly.com

HORRORSCOPES

FUNNIES

Q: How do blonde brain cells die? A: Alone. Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying? A: Other lawyers look interested. Q: Which sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby? A: Ask your mother. The Genie A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the woman disappears. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Piña Coladas and the love of my life.” The genie once again snaps his fingers and poof, the man disappears. “OK, you’re up,” the genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

ACROSS: 1. Pore 6. Kiln-dried barley 10. Roasting appliance 14. Dromedary 15. Matures 16. Grows in paddies 17. Mountain crest 18. Receptacle 19. Part of an archipelago 20. Royalist 22. Egg on 23. Skinny 24. Passes around or avoids 26. A piece of information 30. Autonomic Nervous System 31. Poetic time of day 32. “Hello” to a sailor 33. Pledge 35. City in France 39. Storm 41. Stir up 43. Hot coal 44. Almond 46. Arch type 47. Mayday 49. Blvd.

50. Male sheep (plural) 51. Swear 54. Not worst 56. Semiaquatic salamander 57. A punctuation mark 63. Fortitude and determination 64. A secret scheme 65. A mixture of 2 metals 66. Slave 67. Fail to win 68. Stop 69. Lascivious look 70. Pitcher 71. Notes DOWN: 1. Defraud 2. Tropical root 3. Portent 4. Prefix meaning “After” or “Beyond” 5. Warning 6. Plot 7. In opposition 8. Not more 9. Spreads sleeping sickness 10. Conceiver

11. 12. 13. 21. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 34. 36. 37. 38. 40. 42. 45. 48. 51. 52. 53. 55. 58. 59. 60. 61. 62.

Eyeshade Acclaim Requires Pandemonium Yachting cap Destiny Throat-clearing sound It’s like a brush Compositor Reaper Indian music Detail Views Cupid, to the Greeks Visitor The last car on the train A necessary commodity Cherub Brusque Strong string Plot of land Turn over earth Margarine Scheme A flexible tube Visual organs

Fire Up That Stogie by Dennis Hambright Blitz Weekly Writer

www.dennishambright.com

t was a wonderful summer evening. The temperature finally dipped below 100, and the humidity was low enough that blinking my eyes didn’t make me break out into a slathering sweat. I kicked back at an outside table at a pleasant little bistro and prepared to enjoy one of the few vices I still have left these days…a fine cigar. This was a good one…an $11.59 Monte Cristo that a buddy of mine gave me a couple of days ago. I’d been saving it for just the right moment, and this was it. I know how much it cost because the bright yellow price tag was still stuck on the glass tube that held my little treasure of fine, exotic tobacco leaves. Yeah, I know that sounds expensive to those of you who don’t partake of the pleasures of cigar smoking, and it’s a little pricey for my budget too, but a gift is a gift, and since I didn’t pay for it, I was damned sure going to enjoy it even that much more. The way some people revel in the ceremony of cracking open a bottle of fine wine, I popped the top off the tube and caught a whiff of what good tobacco really smells like. I slid it out and rolled it between my thumb and forefinger, feeling its weight and noticing how well it was made. I thought about how some old farmer toiled in the fields until the leaves were just right, then carefully hung them in an old wooden barn until they were aged to perfection. I thought about how a leather-skinned old cigar-maker, wearing a Panama hat with a wide, colorful band around the brim, sat at a rickety wooden table and rolled those leaves up with the skill and patience of a true master. And now it was mine. I clipped off one end, taking care not to break the integrity of the roll…so that every puff would deliver the perfect blend of heat and smoke to be savored. Then I struck a wooden match…because paper matches are sacrilege to a fine cigar…and rolled one end around in the flame, heating it just right before actually lighting it up, so it would burn evenly into a long gray cylinder of ash. I took that first long pull, savoring the flavor of the smoke, and gently blew it out into a dark, aromatic cloud to be carried away on the summer breeze.

Then it happened… Some little twit came barreling out and screeched that it was illegal to smoke within fifty feet of the front door of a public establishment, and that I’d have to put out my cigar. I was dumbstruck! I took stock of what else was going on around me. There was a pack of little kids running around and screaming like banshees, while their parents, oblivious to the disruption, just talked louder and louder, carrying on their conversation. Two teenage gangster wannabes stood in line with pants hanging down so far off their butts that everyone within fifty feet could see the stripes on their boxers, and cringed, hoping that was all they were going to have to see. And then there was a lady with a rear end so wide and fluffy that it looked like it was actually eating her neon pink gym shorts. And I was the offensive one? And wouldn’t you know it, when my pimplyfaced, minimum-wage-earning tormenter was destroying my moment of simple pleasure, the rest of the herd craned their judgmental necks around and stared at me as if he had every right. I hate to say it, but it might be that time when pigs can fly, and hell freezes over, and the fat lady sings, when a man can’t enjoy his fine cigar in public.