VOL. 3 - ISSUE 50
August 17 - 23, 2011 3 by Andrew J. Hewett - www.chewednews.com THEY’RE B-A-A-A-CK!
BLITZ News Shorts 3 Gaga For Gaga/Movie Review 4 Game Changer: Spotify 5 The Winds Of Change 6 Interview With Donnie Nelson 6 Rangers News 7 Cowboys News 8 The Return Of The Great Romo 8 COVER STORY: DFW Sports Bars Our Favorite Venues 9-11 BLITZ BABE: Emily 12 White Pickup, Blue Music 13 Hemp Wars 13 The Jett Stream 14 Can This Job Be Saved 14 Blitz Toys 15 Pork Products Bring World Peace? 15 Mischa Dolnikoff 16 Blitz Restaurant Review: Lefty’s 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Dear Mr. Politician 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam PHOTO EDITOR Darryl Briggs Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor Judy Chamberlain COVER Cover Photography: Darryl Briggs Cover Model: Diedre Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Ron Baker, Georges Biard, Sandro Botticelli, Yu-Ping Chen, Christopher Macsurak, Pavel Novak, Bengt Nyman, Matt Pearce, Michael Spencer, Ken Takahashi, pinguino k, Geoff, Moses STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Jack E. Jett, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Hannah Allen, Jay Betsill, A. Faulkner, Andrew J. Hewett, Jonathan Sullivan CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com
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A doc in Orange County is making it easier for women in their eighties or even nineties (he says) to feel good about themselves by offering them boob jobs and other supposed enhancements. Yes, these are real people and if you want to know more about them you can google “83-year-old gets boob job.” No names here. Look at all the trouble we’d be saved if subhuman female politicians were never named. The 83-yearold poster child for senile enhancement surgery, whose bra size from girlhood is faithfully recorded in news reports, was apparently not one of the worst cases her surgeon has encountered. These would be clients with their breasts “hanging by their knees” the doctor, wearing a witless grin, told the witless reporter. The 83-year-old woman kept the procedure from dozens of family members before she decided to become a senile celebrity. In her effort to create a body that will match her energy level the poster child didn’t want anything “out of place,” she was simply tired of seeing her boobs go in one direction and her brain in another. Was this a roundabout way of saying she wants a nice rack when she meets her maker? Vacationing with friends who are purported to be her “second family,” a fellow halfwit who has been among us a mere 57 years weighed in on one possible reason for his friend’s enhancement. “I think she’d jump out of a plane if she thought it was fun.” Hmm. We were going to recommend extreme skating as a way for her to keep up with the kids, but on second thought that would just create a bonanza for surgeons eager to put her back together again. The thought of her falling out of the heavens, head and boobs high, is more appealing. And when that gets old, there’s always Everest.
JANE FONDUE
Where even the enterprising boob doctor in the previous article confesses that he’s unable to restore perkiness to wizened dugs, it appears the famous Jane Fondue has been getting help from a better class of surgeon. We haven’t seen her boobs lately (although we had felt we wouldn’t have long to wait after the nuzzling she gave Stephen Colbert in prime time) but it seems that Hanoi Jane has made perkiness her life’s work. Puffing herself recently on ABC’s Nightline, Fondue claimed that she has never been happier despite a “life review” she conducted which revealed to her what was already known to most of us: that she was a completely worthless wife, mother, actress, person. And let it be said, nothing much to look at, especially when her obsession with diet and exercise had turned her into skin and bones and made holding her tight a delicate danse macabre. We’re here to say she has every right to be happy with herself these days. Her appearance bespeaks a forced march from true perkiness to kewpiedom. Her eyes are now completely empty in the manner of women who are trying to disguise the fact that their joy-balls have just shifted. The corners of her lips are pushing hard against her sagging cheeks and exposing dazzling dental work. It’s hard not to imagine the most hardened North Vietnamese or Viet Cong veteran—say, someone with missing limbs and no teeth at all—not bursting out laughing at the sight of this chirpy crone. But of course this isn’t the same woman who went to North Vietnam all those years ago and risked the derision of millions of bloodthirsty armchair warriors back home. By now it’s clear that she was a pioneer—a transitional figure between womanhood and virtual reality.
ARE YOU JEALOUS? Kenneth T. Robinson, 50, was driving through a neighborhood in Flower Mound when he noticed a large home which looked abandoned. Out of curiosity, he did a title search, but found no owner. And, under Texas law, according to The Dallas Morning News, went to “the Denton County courthouse and paying a $15 fee to file an affidavit of ‘adverse possession,’ moved (June 17, 2011) into this two-story, 3,250-square-foot home, valued at $340,000.” GOD GETS “AROUSED”? San Angelo, Texas, August 2, 2011, the head of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Warren Jeffs, 55, was standing trial, accused of sexually assaulting two girls, ages 12 and 15. According to The Associated Press: “Prosecutors played an audio recording Tuesday of a (Jeffs) polygamist sect leader instructing his 14-year-old ‘spiritual wife’ and several other young women on how to please him sexually, and thus please God.” MEXICO: A DEATH ZONE By December 2010, four years after President Felipe Calderon declared a war on drugs in Mexico, an estimated 34,600 people had died in drug-related killings. Yet, according to the then Attorney General, Arturo Chávez, this huge number of deaths, “showed that the security forces were having success in their fight against the drug gangs.” (More current, early August 2011, news headline: “Top prosecutors resign in 21 of 32 Mexican states.” Question: Is that entire country too broken to fix?)
QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I don’t know anything that builds the will to win better than competitive sports.” – Richard M. Nixon Photo Courtesy: Ken Takahashi
4
August 17 - 23, 2011
GAGA FOR GAGA You’ll “get her” better if you’re senile.
By Jeff Putnam editor@blitzweekly.com
By Jonathan Sullivan www.movietobo.com
From the moment Lady Gaga staggered upon the scene in her platform shoes I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Not because of her voice. A musician I respect thinks she has a good voice. Another thinks she has talent but he refuses to clarify. I’ve always depended on my wife as a judge of singing, and as a shrewd judge of women, but she was no help at all. I got the feeling she was embarrassed by Gaga. It may have been the meat dress. Meat was serious business where she comes from (West Texas) and where she used to spend her summers (on her uncle’s dairy farm in Colorado). Still, I doubt she gave the Gaga woman more than a passing thought. A lot of today’s performers don’t have enough insight to know they’re embarrassing. Not Gaga. She knows exactly what she’s doing as a performer. To be sure, she’s musical and has a voice but doesn’t use it like someone who worked hard to develop her instrument. I know what good singing sounds like. And not just in opera—the other day a friend turned me on to Rachelle Ferrell, and that woman can sing. So the first thing I had to ask myself was, why was I still listening to Gaga? What was the attraction? I’d actually watched part of a Madonna performance on TV and had seen the way she played with herself. I was able to put that together with news photos that made her look like a demented nun and solve the riddle of Madonna right quick. The woman was all about sex and irreverence. She was feeding on the outrage she created. I was sure that Madonna, with all her excesses, paved the way for Gaga. Both of these ladies can’t keep their hands off themselves. Both are belters whose voices are all about intensity, not expressive subtlety or beauty. And both performers create various personae on stage and then fight free of them in a kind of metamorphosis wherein narcissistic yearnings, perhaps shared by some in their audiences, are bodied forth and given free rein. I’m probably more fascinated with my fascination than I am with anything these ladies are doing. I’ve certainly never expressed the slightest interest in what nuns look like in their undies or what they might get up to in their little cubicles at night. As for the gaga women I’ve known, I doubt I’ve ever had a single sexual thought in their company, and had they broached the subject, would have fled. How is Gaga so different from her namesakes? Like a senile woman she can’t keep her eyebrow makeup straight and her lipstick meanders all over the place. Her clothes are way too short but for no reason I can see she seems proud of the way her sex parts project from them. She imitates doddering by walking on cothurni or “platform” shoes that cause her to wobble when she’s dead sober. Finally, she embodies helplessness in the way she can’t keep from screaming—defiantly proving her existence to herself. I heard the like in the France of my youth coming from a gaga woman across the courtyard behind my pension. She was liable
RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
to start shrieking her “songs” at any time of night or day. Oddly, French people cooed respect for her out on the street the way they did for their dogs. In that same pension there was a gaga former Cambridge professor who could often be seen strolling the streets of Nice in his bathingsuit. Nothing so unusual about that except that his left testicle often escaped certain bathingsuits and bounced against his leg as he made his rounds. I avoided the old gent, partly because he seemed to be obsessed with stories about the Visigoths and partly because of his dangling testicle. Still, the French chatted him up regularly and saw nothing amiss. Even the ladies raised their brows and pushed their lips out as if to say, “Well, well, what have we here?” I can imagine French people being kind to Lady Gaga, but if they too are paying to hear her, we’re not just in trouble as a country, we’re in trouble as a species.
Ten years after Tim Burton’s disastrous attempt to reimagine the Planet of the Apes franchise, 20th Century Fox has tried once again to recapture the magic of the original with Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Directed by Rupert Wyatt, this isn’t the summer blockbuster the trailers have been promising; but it is a heady science fiction tale with themes ranging from animal cruelty to the perils of playing God, while the story slowly builds to a heart-pounding third act that has a better pay-off than most movies released this year. James Franco stars as Will Rodman, a scientist who has developed a miracle drug that can repair damaged brain cells as well as increase intelligence in its users, effectively curing Alzheimer’s. After a clinical trial on apes that goes painfully wrong, his company shuts down the research and puts down the test subjects. One survives, however: a baby ape named Caesar who inherited the effects genetically from his murdered mother. Will moves Caesar in with him and his Alzheimer’s-afflicted father (John Lithgow) where he forms a strong bond with the family over the next eight years, while Will perfects his drug and falls in love with a veterinarian (Freida Pinto, in a thankless role). Things go south when Caesar is ripped away from Will and thrown into a cruel animal control center where he and his species are tortured
and treated like garbage. The abuse and abandonment prompt Caesar to become the leader of an eventual jailbreak and possibly more. Rise of the Planet of the Apes predictably shafts the human characters. The evil ones are over the top, the good guys are too sympathetic. Some don’t matter to the story and are just showing up. But that’s okay because this is Caesar’s story. His character arc is heartbreaking, then thrilling as we watch him go from a baby to an incredibly smart adult. Caesar communicates his feelings through facial expressions and physical mannerisms and in so doing becomes more compelling than a lot of characters Hollywood has thrown at us this summer. Andy Serkis did the motion-capture work, so Caesar’s mannerisms are his, and so beautiful it’s hard to believe he’ll get snubbed come Oscar time. Rise of the Planet of the Apes will not be for everyone. Those expecting an action thriller will be disappointed at its pace and those who came to watch specific actors will find they don’t much matter to the story. But those who can get past the frankly cheesy concept will find one of the deepest and most rewarding science fiction movies in years. Tim Burton may have dropped the ball the last time, but Rise of the Planet of the Apes gets it right: a reboot worthy of its source material.
Game Changer:
August 17 - 23, 2011 5
Prohibition with Ken Burns World Affairs Council – Dallas With the Dallas Bar Association the World Affairs Council of DFW is presenting this documentary by noted director/documentarian Ken Burns, who will introduce it.
Thur 8/18
Fright Night (1985) Texas Theatre – Dallas This 35mm vampire story is running with a 35mm print of Conan the Barbarian as this venue continues to offer rare films, $2 pints, historical interest and a great way to spend an evening.
Fri 8/19
Debbie Does Dallas (the musical) Ohlook Performing Arts Ctr. – Grapevine Debbie Does Dallas…in Grapevine? Yes, this spoof of the 70s porn film shows how easy it is for a would-be Cowboys cheerleader to raise money for a trip to Dallas to audition. Insane.
Sat 8/20
Sun 8/21
ally speaking: torn. I’m a big advocate of supporting artists by buying albums and attending concerts (when I don’t have to pay fees that fatten the scalpers’ and concert promoters’ pockets—but that’s another rant). Music should be for the people, but shouldn’t we pay the people who give us such a gift? All this being said, I do love Spotify. With several thousands of songs in my iTunes and Amazon Cloud, plus vinyl and cassette collections, I still didn’t have access to hundreds of artists I wanted to listen to, not to mention expanded collections of bands and musicians I already love. Daniel Elk says access—not ownership—is the future of music. It’s an interesting concept everyone seems to be trying to cash in on during this digital age of singles vs. albums. My favorite aspect of Spotify is the idea of bringing albums back. I’m over the idea of a solitary single: I want a continued story that I can connect with rather than the three minutes of synthisized beats and auto-tune of the over-produced mainstream pop showing up with the top digital single-sells. If I want a single and nothing else, sure, I’ll go to iTunes. Otherwise, it’s Spotify all the way. You’re exposed to the greats while witnessing the birth of newcomers, connecting with albums and the rare b-sides. It’s like the ultimate record store, and anything I truly love, I will buy and add to my collection. The Blitzpod consists of alums that haven’t necessarily produced singles. A solid album should be listened to in its entirety. It raises the bar in how you think of the musician. The jury is still out on this new form of streaming media, but I say get Spotify and get in it.
Da Brick Comedy Explosion Plaza Arts Center – Carrollton Hosted by Miss Cotton with music by D. J. Breeze, three comedians are being featured: Marlon C. (aka “MarlyMarr”); Damon Jones (“The Deacon of Comedy”) and Kasambwe.
MUSIC: 1. Rubber Soul
The Beatles
2. 21
Adele
3. 4
Beyonce
4. Nothing is Wrong Dawes
5. Rome
Danger Mouse and Daniele Luppi
6. Bon Iver
Bon Iver
7. Taking the Long Way
Dixie Chicks
8. Grievous Angel
Gram Parsons
9. Jane’s Addiction
Jane’s Addiction
10. Kid A
Radiohead
Defend the Gulf (film) 1919 Hemphill – Fort Worth Get back at the BP bastards who ruined the Gulf. See the movie, sign a petition, buy a raffle ticket for a trip to New Orleans, and meet people like you who still have the capacity for outrage.
Mon 8/22
If you’re technically savvy in the digital world, or just a serious musicphile, chances are you already subscribe/download/stream music from Spotify. Launched in 2008 in Stockholm, this Swedishbased streaming service offering music from major and indie record labels (Sony, EMI, Warner Music Group, Universal) has officially caused a commotion stateside. In order to win over major record labels to the world’s largest music market, the startup received insight and investment from The Founders Fund. Sean Parker sits on the board, a man known for innovation and the future of all things media— hello Facebook. With the right brains and record labels helping Spotify set sail, founder Daniel Elk hopes to attract 50 million users in the United States by the end of the year—a number that isn’t far-fetched considering their first year in Sweden brought in 1 million paying customers. If you haven’t witnessed the wonders of Spotify, here’s the gist: Access to over 15 million tracks (growing by 10,000 daily), which you can stream for free (with commercials) or pay a monthly premium of ten dollars with zero commercials, an option to download playlists to your personal computer, Ipod, or Android, as well as enhanced content, quality, and support. Simply browse by artist, album, record label, genre, or playlist. (A search for The Rolling Stones turned up over 700 tracks, including everything from great live sets to obscure renditions of covers and even “Happy Birthday” thrown into the mix.) This all sounds too good to be true—legal downloading of hard to find or brand new music from your favorite artists? For free?—but it is in fact real, and awesome. However, not everyone thinks so. Independent record labels are already struggling, and musicians aren’t all getting their financial dues for the music they put out—not everyone has a Monster Tour like Lady Gaga to make ends meet. So how does someone who truly cares about music and the musician feel about this? Person-
Create a Platter Creative Arts Center – Dallas For fifty bucks learn how to make a fused glass platter that could be the spark that will help the lazy lady of your life to get the burners going and create more interesting meals. Why not?
Tues 8/23
By A. Faulkner editor@blitzweekly.com
Wed 8/17
Historic Preservation in Dallas (discussion) Dallas Center for Architecture – Dallas Along with the DCA’s Context/Contrast exhibit showing how new buildings respect or disregard historical context there will be a panel discussion of historical preservation in Dallas. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com
6 August 17 - 23, 2011
The Winds of Change:
Texas A&M Wants Out
with
By Frank LaCosta “Football Fanatic”
By Blitz Weekly Staff editor@blitzweekly.com
What started out last week as a rumor quickly turned into a media frenzy and the pandemonium has yet to settle down. The Texas A&M Aggies were apparently leaving the Big 12 Conference to join the Southeastern Conference. They were only waiting for an invitation. That invitation hasn’t been offered and for now it looks like they’ll be sticking around a bit longer.
Have you slept since winning the title? Not much. I sleep in September. What brought you here to Franconia Brewery with Dennis (Wehrmann)? I love Dennis like a brother but his product is a very strong draw. This brewery is just exploding over North Texas. And we’ve had some pretty cool stuff happen, too, in Maverick-ville, with the championship.
The Right Move? Legal ramifications may have slowed the process. The Aggies will not be packing their bags for greener SEC pastures just yet. Apparently the bylaws of the Big 12 are a concern in regards to a stiff penalty for the Aggies if they terminate their relationship early. Recently in April, The Big 12 agreed to a 13-year television deal with Fox Sports that is worth over $1 billion. If the Aggies were to leave the Big 12, it is possible that the contract could be voided which could create legal issues for Texas A&M and their new home. Yet ac-
Last year Dirk was a free agent. Did you fly to Germany? Did you have any chats with him that helped him to come back and say, “You know, I love Dallas. I’m here.” That’s funny because with Dirk there are so many family relationships and friendships. He’s part of the fabric of the Mavs family. So there’s communication… We knew he wanted to be here because that’s the kind of human being he is. He’s altruistic and he’s loyal and all the most important things that we teach our kids. But Dirk had an agent. And I’m sure in that agent’s mind it’s, “I want to maximize the value of his time on the court.” I’m sure they had him pulling in a couple of directions… Oh, yeah. And for a guy that’s Dirk’s age those are strong influences and you just don’t know. But at the end of the day he’s like that guy that, you know, marries his original high school girlfriend and stays true to her throughout his entire life and career. What happened was, I was dealing with Holger (Geschwindner), his German coach, a great guy. And Dirk had a chance to speak with Mark personally. What Dirk wanted to know was: was Mark willing to have the kind of commitment, financially and with energy and all that Mark brings to the table, to construct a championship team. When Mark said “Yes,” Dirk signed immediately. In hindsight, looking at the moves Mark Cuban has made, he delivered on his word. He got Tyson Chandler, then Corey Brewer, so Dirk knows that Mark delivers on his words. These are personal relationships for Mark and so it runs much deeper. The Mavericks are almost an extended piece of Mark’s family and he would live, die, protect, whatever, these guys, and in sports, that’s pretty rare—to be able to have that kind of bond with your owner. He’s out, you know, recruiting, and out there in front with the fans. But when it comes to a guy like Dirk, Mark is so ever-present that it gives Dirk a comfort factor. He knows, every single day, that guy is going to have my back. When was the last time that you and your dad, Don Nelson, had a beer together and talked. And what did you talk about?
Breaking Tradition If Texas A&M were to leave the Big 12 and the University of Texas were to stay many are asking what would happen to the rivalry. The rivalry dates back to 1894 and is the longest running rivalry for both schools. Heck, both schools mention each other in their respective fight song. If A&M were to bolt, it is possible for both schools to continue to schedule each other as a non-conference opponent much like Texas and Oklahoma pre-Big 12. However, would the game still be played on Thanksgiving or the day after? Would the game have as much meaning? By leaving the Big 12 it is possible that the last vestiges of the old Southwest Conference will be lost. A certain satisfaction of statewide bragging rights would be gone. No more Lone Star Showdown. The rivalry between Texas A&M and Texas Tech would be gone. The yearly Battle of the Brazos with Baylor would be eliminated. However, by joining the SEC the Aggies would renew their rivalries with LSU and Arkansas.
The last time was…right after the Lakers (playoff) series, before he went on a European trip with Joy, his wife. Down at Gilley’s we were able to grab some dinner and talk. It’s funny because he was my first call when we won. He told me that we were outmanned… How to put it, that three of the four teams we beat had more firepower than we did. And we went right past them. That’s pretty rare in the NBA. Anyway, that was his opinion… That’s the Lakers, Thunder and Heat… Yeah. Firepower can mean talent, can mean a lot of things, but we had the most complete team performance. And that’s why we won. The most talented team doesn’t always win. [It’s] the team that plays together, the team that sacrifices and all the good old-fashioned stuff that your coaches tell you… What about your involvement with the Frisco team? With Nancy Lieberman? The Texas Legends is a break-even, affect-liveswith-basketball project. When I went to Mark he said, “As your financial advisor I highly suggest that you not do this… But if you have the heart for it, I’m behind it 100%.” [As for Nancy] I literally had my list of head coaching candidates when I bumped into Nancy at Starbuck’s… I like your neighborhood! Yeah… And I wondered, “Why is she not on my head coach candidate list?” I wanted to give back to my community, and by her being the first ever full-time female coach of a men’s team in the NCAA, the NBA or the D-League, every little girl across America can look up to her and say, “You know what? If she can do it, I can do it.”
cording to school president R. Bowen Loftin, “It’s not so much what’s wrong with the Big 12, it’s what’s right for Texas A&M and where we want to go in time.” On August 26 the new Longhorn Network will launch. It is a partnership between the University of Texas, ESPN and IMG College. Yet to broadcast a conference game, Texas and its opponent along with the Big 12 office must approve the broadcast. Texas Tech has already passed on the offer for this season. The idea of the Longhorns having their own network upset many Aggies. The revenue generated for the University of Texas through the network is somewhere in the range of 10 to 15 million per year. To add salt to the wound many Aggies feel that the Longhorn Network will provide the Longhorns an unfair advantage in recruiting. So it makes sense that Texas A&M would seek admission to the SEC which many pundits agree is the crown jewel of college football conferences. From the level of play to monies shared through TV contracts the SEC is at a different level than the Big 12.
The Replacements The thought of Texas A&M moving on has the talking heads discussing the future of the Big 12. One theory is that the Big 12 would simply collapse with Texas going independent or joining the Pac12 with the likes of Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Texas Tech. Kansas would likely join the Big East and Missouri ending up in the Big 10. The biggest losers at that point would be Baylor, Iowa State, and Kansas State. Another possible option would be for Big 12 Commissioner Dan Beebe to extend invitations to other schools. The University of Houston is the name being thrown around lately. This would give a continued Big 12 presence in the Houston market. Also the Big 12 could go after TCU and SMU. This would give the conference a SWC feel with 12 teams and bring back the money-making conference title game. Other schools being mentioned are Notre Dame and BYU who are currently independent as potential replacements. It’s no longer a question of “if” but “when” for Texas A&M leaving the Big 12.
August 17 - 23, 2011 7
RANGERS News
Performing As Expected
By Frank LaCosta “Baseball Fanatic”
This past week has been as expected for YOUR Texas Rangers. They took two of three from the Mariners last week and swept the Athletics over the weekend. Both AL West opponents are nothing more than glorified Triple-A baseball teams. For the diehard Ranger fan the series against the Mariners was a little too close for comfort and could have easily been a series win for the “Hated M’s” of Seattle if not for Josh Hamilton’s game winning hit last Tuesday night. In that game Alexi Ogando lasted 2.2 innings and gave up six runs on eight hits and a pair of walks. From there the Rangers started the bottom half of each inning trailing. They tied it in the eighth to make it 6-6 and eventually won 7-6. Ogando had returned from paternity leave and obviously was still in a funk. Prior to the start of the current Rangers road trip in Oakland, C.J. Wilson stirred the pot by saying, “I hate pitching there. The mound sucks, the fans suck. There’s no fans there, it’s too bad because the fans that are there are really adamant and they’re really stoked on the team and they play drums and they wave flags and that’s cool. But, you know, some games you go there and there’s like 6,000 people there.” These might be considered harsh words but Wilson backed up his statement with a six-inning performance last Friday night allowing four hits, three walks and one earned run. He also struck out seven and earned his first win in about a month. The next night Colby “Bonsai” Lewis had a similar outing and on Sunday Matt Harrison was in command with a 6-0 lead to start the bottom of the fifth when the wheels came off. Harrison lost control of his pitches and was relieved after getting one out. The Rangers came back to win the game in the ninth inning on David Murphy’s timely RBI hit.
Royals. Former Dodger Paul Konerko is having a productive season leading the team in several offensive categories. The first baseman has a .311 batting average with 27 homeruns and 82 RBIs. Outfielder Carlos Quentin has a lot of power with his 24 HRs and 75 RBIs, after that there isn’t much production from the hitters. The pitching staff for the White Sox leaves much to be desired. They have two 10-game winners in Mark Buehrle and Gavin Floyd and that’s about it. Yet the White Sox are only four games back in their division. There also seems to be some questions surrounding closer Sergio Santos which could lead to some issues in the clubhouse. The Rangers need to push through these two series with wins. It won’t be any easier when they return home to take on the Red Sox and Angels. Looking ahead the month of September seems to present a favorable schedule. Last season the slogan was “It’s Time,” and guess what, “It’s Time” again!
We’ve Only Just Begun This current road trip and ensuing home stand are important games for the Rangers if they are going to make it back to the postseason. Before the month of August is complete the Rangers will face their division foe Los Angeles Angels seven times before ending the season against them in California. Heading into Los Angeles the Rangers had a four-game lead on the Angels and if the Baseball Gods are with them the lead could be even greater when they leave. The Rangers do not want to end the season in LA having to win out or take two of three to win the division. After visiting the land of Upcoming Schedule: fruits and nuts, the Rangers 9:05 p.m. head off to the Windy City 8/17 @Angels 9:05 p.m. to take on the White Sox. 8/18 @Angels After starting the month 8/19 @White Sox 7:10 p.m. of August being swept by 8/20 @White Sox 6:10 p.m. the Yankees, the team has 8/21 @White Sox 1:10 p.m. turned things around go7:05 p.m. ing 8-2 against mediocre 8/22 Red Sox 8/23 Red Sox 7:05 p.m. teams like the Twins and
NFL: Eagles vs. Steelers Thu. August 18 – 7:00PM – Heinz Field – FOX
The “Battle for Pennsylvania” takes place in this preseason game. The Eagles have acquired some pretty good talent recently, namely NNamdi Asomugha, Ronnie Brown and backup QB Vince Young come to mind. The Steelers would like to put the Eagles in their place. Look for Roethlisberger to throw a couple of deep passes for a bit of excitement.
MLB: Rangers vs. White Sox Fri. August 19 – 7:10PM – U.S. Cellular Field – KTXA 21
The Rangers will be fresh off of their four-game series with the Angels and dead tired from their red-eye flight into the windy city. The Pale Hose are still in the hunt for the division lead and manager Ozzie Guillen has the team on a hot streak. Rangers closer Neftali Feliz appears to have worked through his issues and is now back on track.
NASCAR: Pure Michigan 400 Sun. August 21 – Noon – Michigan Int’l Speedway – ESPN
Dallas Polo Club
L E A R N T O P L AY P O L O NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG
C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1
The regular season for NASCAR is beginning to wind down and drivers still in contention for the “Chase” are giving it their all. The 400-mile race will be heated. Last year Kevin Harvick won the race after 200 laps. Ford has the most manufacturer wins with 16. Who will win it this year?
NFL: Chargers vs. Cowboys Sun. August 21 – 7:00PM – Cowboys Stadium – NBC
Romo left his first game back in one piece. The defense still hasn’t “wowed” anyone. If WR Dwayne Harris can put together another quality performance he’ll move up the depth chart. Look for the starters to play either two or three series in this one. On the Chargers side of the ball it’s always nice to see Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates come to town.
RANGERS
COWBOYS
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August 17 - 23, 2011
Cowboys News
Pre-season Continues
By Frank LaCosta “Football Fanatic” The first of many questions that will be answered throughout the 2011-2012 NFL season, and one that will be posed by all diehard Cowboy fans is: will Tony Romo’s return shape this season? Undoubtedly Romo will be under the microscope and he will have to prove that he is in good health and still maintains the leadership qualities needed of an NFL helmsman. As we learned last season, as Romo goes, so goes the team. Even though it was the first preseason game, Romo left the field in one piece and remained vertical. The last time Romo stepped on the field at Cowboys Stadium last season he wasn’t so fortunate. On October 25 last year in week six against the New York Giants, Romo dropped back for a pass to Miles Austin and ended up on the ground courtesy of linebacker Michael Boley. A blown blocking assignment by rookie fullback Chris Gronkowski left Boley untouched. Tony Romo wound up with a fractured left clavicle and was out for the rest of the season. Romo’s stats last Thursday were understandable for any first string NFL quarterback. He was on the field for one series lasting 13 plays and using up almost six minutes of game time. He attempted five passes, completing three for 66 yards with no touchdowns or interceptions. Not bad for a man trying to regain his confidence.
The Men in the Trenches The offensive line is the key to Tony Romo remaining vertical this season. Gone is Leonard Davis. He was let go before training camp even began. He might not have been the best pass blocking guard but his big body helped. The Cowboys did resign offensive tackle Doug Free which will prove beneficial to Romo’s health. He’ll team up with guard Kyle Kosier to anchor the left side of the line. If veteran Andre Gurode can rehab himself in time, he’ll be the starting center. He had arthroscopic surgery on his right knee in late June. If there are any hiccups then Phil Costa will find himself at center. With the loss of Davis, right guard Montrae Holland will have to step up. He’ll have to rely on his youth and quickness to protect Romo. Last but not least is rookie right tackle Tyron Smith who was selected with the Cowboys’ first round pick in this year’s draft. The media has been praising his work ethic at training camp. Protecting Romo’s blindside will be accomplished through on-the-field performance. Expect great things from Smith but there will be growing pains. One of the “X” factors will be the blocking abilities of tight end Martellus Bennett. Bennett possesses good hands and is a physical specimen who can make plays, but it’s his blocking skills that the Cowboys value at this time. He too needs to make sure that Romo remains unscathed throughout the season. Romo can operate outside the pocket on designed plays but the team needs to make sure that he isn’t running for his life. The Leader of America’s Team Insomuch as Tony Romo was able to learn from the sidelines last year his injury was beneficial. While wearing the headphones Romo gained insight as to which plays were being called and why. He learned from the coaches and assistants and watched defenses scheme in real time. All of this could benefit his performance this season. Romo took a huge step forward during the NFL Lockout by setting up OTAs. He needed to gain the confidence of his teammates and to prove to them that he is serious about winning and leading them to success. If fans think this translates immediately to him being the unquestioned leader-—it doesn’t, but it’s a start. With other quarterbacks stepping up with OTAs, Romo would have been castigated if he didn’t step up also. All very nice, but Romo still has to get it done on the field during the regular season and the postseason. Winning is all that matters. He has to direct players, produce wins and gain his teammates respect. Ask Roger Staubach. Ask Troy Aikman. Keep up with the Dallas Cowboys at our website: www.Blitzweekly.com
America’s Team began their pre-season by welcoming in one of the most talked about teams in the NFL to Cowboys Stadium. The Denver Broncos are coming off a horrendous 4-12 season and are in the midst of a quarterback “controversy” between Kyle Orton and Tim Tebow. Apparently the players and coaches in the Mile High City are sold on Orton, while the Broncos’ fan base is convinced Tebow is the man to lead them back to the promised land. The Cowboys have no such issues as Tony Romo has returned from the fractured clavicle (collarbone) he suffered last October against the New York Giants. He will assume his role as starting quarterback with a much different supporting cast. Linemen Marc Columbo and Leonard Davis are gone. Running backs Marion Barber and Roy Williams both departed for the greener pastures of the Chicago Bears. Rookie wide receiver Dwayne Harris played well in his bid to make the roster behind Miles Austin, Dez Bryant and Kevin Ogletree. However, the most concerning aspect of the game against Denver was the Broncos ability to rush at will on the Cowboys defense. The Broncos offensive line was basically pushing Marcus Spears and Igor Olshansky around at the line of scrimmage. This felt eerily similar to the same defense that allowed 4.3 yards a carry last year. Denver averaged 6.6 yards per carry on its opening drive. The concern over the secondary is legitimate – especially with the injuries to Terence Newman (groin) and Mike Jenkins (stinger) – but the more urgent matter may indeed be the play up front. Jason Hatcher was the lone bright spot on the line as Rob Ryan referred to him as “a oneman wrecking crew.” With training camp officially over, the Cowboys are now back in Dallas practicing at Cowboys Stadium and Valley Ranch. The San Diego Chargers are scheduled to practice against the Cowboys on Thursday and Friday before the August 21 game at 7:00pm at Cowboys Stadium. Head coach Jason Garrett said there would be former Cowboys players in attendance for Friday’s scrimmage against the Chargers. “It’s a good opportunity for our players to be around those guys and interact with them,” Garrett said. “There’s great history here and they’re welcomed to the Dallas Cowboys in 2011.”
the Great Romo
By Jay Betsill Twitter me: @THEFAMOUSJAY
The Return of
August 17 - 23, 2011 9
ADDISON POINT
BLACKFINN AMERICAN SALOON
The well-placed TVs in Addison’s oldest bar provide a good view. Sunday Ticket and College Game Plan. Keep the party going with karaoke after the game. $5 domestic pitchers, $2 wells on Sunday; come early on Mon. for food specials and $1 domestic drafts.
Great menu with many upscale offerings at moderate prices. Young, well-heeled clientele makes this seem more like a restaurant than a sports bar but it delivers the sports action regularly. Food and service are well-supervised. Greatness!
4578 Belt Line, Addison 75001 972.661.2230 – addisonpointbar.net
ALLEN WICKERS PUB
2301 N. Central Expwy, Ste. 195, Plano 75075 972.424.2300 – theallenwickerspub.com
Proudly presenting European-style football, still called soccer by gridiron enthusiasts on this side of the pond. Encourages patrons to mind their Ps and Qs (no brawling?) while consuming a splendid array of beers and watching one of many TVs.
4440 Belt Line, Addison 75001 469.374.7667 – blackfinndallas.com
BOBBY V’S
4301 South Bowen Rd, Arlington 76016 817.467.9922 – bobbyvsports.com
More sports museum than restaurant, Bobby V’s has one of the largest public collections of sports memorabilia in the DFW area. Where else can you can dine in a boxing ring? Also, Bobby V’s hosts Denver Bronco and Iowa Hawkeyes gamewatching parties.
ANGRY DOG
2726 Commerce St, Dallas 75226 214.741.4406 – angrydog.com
Since 1990 THE place in Deep Ellum to take in the game. Local teams take priority and they have the NFL Ticket and College Game Plan. Semi-private areas accommodate 25 of your friends. Over 100 bottled beers. Get their Superhot Wings and catch the game! ARENA SPORTS BAR & GRILL 1616 W. Hebron Pkwy, Carrollton 75010 972.939.1200 – arenasportsbartx.com
Over 20 flat screen TVs are going all the time. Local games are promoted but they also have the MLB and Golf channels. Great food menu and happy hour on the weekend from 11-7pm. They have $2 wells, $2 domestic pints and $1.50 Bud Select and Ziegenbock. AUSTIN AVENUE GRILL & SPORTS BAR 1801 N Plano Rd, Richardson 75081 972.907.8003 – austinavenue.com
BRACKETS
5330 East Mockingbird Ln #100, Dallas 75026 214.828.9865 – bracketsdallas.com
Recently reviewed in this publication, Brackets offers upscale dining with 20 HD TVs scattered about to follow the big games. A call ahead will make sure your game is playing somewhere. Before or after the games ease the tension with pingpong, pool or darts. BUFFALO JOE’S
3636 Frankford Rd, Dallas 75287 214.483.5225 – thebuffalojoes.com
When the Plano sister location burned loyal fans flocked to this Richardson location. Fans of 13 NFL teams are welcomed by 35 HD flat-screen TVs and all major sports packages. One of the biggest menus of pub grub in the Metroplex.
Buffalo Joe’s is the only sports bar that we know that carries all the UFC fights and HBO Boxing, plus all the sports packages you can think of. Over 40 TVs and an amazing sound system. A hot ticket for sporting events and the bartenders are hot also.
THE BACK 9 SPORTS GRILL
CHAMPPS DALLAS
Pantera drummer Vinnie Paul co-owns The Back Nine and the walls are adorned with both Pantera and sports memorabilia. Super-friendly staff will help you decide between the food you know you should eat and the food your stomach is begging for.
Champps is the place to be when you’ve got loyalty conflicts, say between a local team and your alma mater. The open kitchen enables you to see why the kitchen produces, starting with threecheese, house-made potato chips with bacon, green onions and sour cream.
4060 Belt Line, Addison 75001 214.272.7928
4951 Belt Line, Dallas, TX 75254 972.991.3335 – champps.com
BIG RACKS BBQ & SPORTS GRILL
CHRISTIES
Big Racks lives up to its name in every way with big rib racks smoked low and slow and waitresses that are just plain smoking. If there’s a better way to watch a big game please let us know: friendly people and a huge menu, including great BBQ at reasonable prices.
Since 1991 fans have been saying “If Christies doesn’t have it, nobody does!” Three of their 38 HD TV screens are ten-footers. Ole Miss, Vanderbilt, Texas and Kansas State fans gather here. On Sundays fans follow the Lions, Packers and Vikings. Great grub.
1720 Tx-26, Grapevine 76051 972.539.5511 – bigracksbbq.com
2811 McKinney Ave, Dallas 75204 214.954.1511 - christiesportsbar.com
10 August 17 - 23, 2011
DRAFT HOUSE
3940 Rosemeade Pky, #170, Dallas 75287 972.306.8700 – thedrafthousedallas.net
Very laid-back and friendly place to create your own scene around your favorite team. Grub has won awards (their burgers are very fine) and kitchen has been chosen by owner (a former hotelier) to provide upscale touches. Spacious enough for any-sized crowd.
coverage. The Bose sound systems make this place unique. HAT TRICKS SPORTS BAR AND GRILL
101 E Corporate Dr, Lewisville 75067 972.315.8406 – hattricksdallas.com
This is Coach Joe Avezzano’s place and that alone gets our seal of approval. The Coach has made sure that his sports bar is done right from the memorabilia to the drink specials. And believe it or not, this is a popular destination for Raiders fans. HEROES SPORTS LOUNGE 7402 Greenville, Dallas 75231 214.750.6800
DRAFT MEDIA SPORTS LOUNGE 400 Olive St, Dallas 75201 214.922.0524 – draftmediasportslounge.com
An elegant place to see sports downtown. Specials make everything worthwhile from Mon. through Thur., 11-6. All day specials on pitchers and buckets as well. Excellent hotel food from the Sheraton mothership. A place to live it up without cheering. DUKE’S ORIGINAL ROADHOUSE 4180 Belt Line, Addison 75001 972.503.2337 – dukesoriginalroadhouse.com
It’s where your friends are! There are flat screen TVs throughout the dining room area and at the bar. You can take in the game wherever you sit. Enjoy a “Tower of Power,” which equals 104 ounces of your favorite brew. Plus, they have damn good food! END ZONE SPORTS BAR AND GRILL 3303 W Parker Rd, #109, Plano 75023 endzonesportsbarandgrill.com
The Cowboys are the favorites here along with Texas teams like Tech and A & M, though one crowd likes LSU. Happy hours Monday through Friday 4-7 pm and Sat. from 11 to 7 pm offer some amazingly cheap drinks. Loud and friendly.
On a budget, but still want to go out and watch the game? When the people at Heroes say cheap drinks, they mean it. Margaritas are just $2 on Thursdays. Too good for the house margarita? Well, you can have Patron in yours for just $5. Oh, and they have free appetizers until 11 p.m. LAKEWOOD’S 1ST & 10 6465 E. Mockingbird Ln, Dallas 75214 214.826.0110 – 1stand10dallas.com
A Blitz Weekly favorite, 1st and 10 are huge supporters of the Cowboys, Rangers, Mavericks, Stars, SMU Mustangs and Texas Longhorns. They always have the big game on and have great meals and appetizers. And this cool spot has been in a few movies. LOGAN’S
5290 Belt Line Rd, Dallas 75240 972.503.5603
The ambiance is great and you’ll be able to catch the action with all of the TVs. Get there early for a table. A college sports bar feel but Cowboys, Bears, Longhorns, Sooners and Red Raiders fans watch games here. Mixed drinks are affordable and the “tall beers” are 24 oz of greatness.
sic as well as sports. considering the primo 27 TVs and the MAT teams. NFL Ticket and Three 100” TVs by res
MILO BUTTERFINGE 5645 SMU Blvd, Dallas 75206 214.368.9212
Milo’s is a hot spot down the street. Get t the long lines for billia Amidst the neon glow tuned to top sporting ing is laid back here b full of cute coeds.
NORTHWEST POIN
4578 Belt Line Rd, Addison 75 972.661.2230 – nwpointdallas
Northwest Point open May 1985, so you’ll tele of regulars and your name” feel. As living room, but witho your dog/wife/girlf mate.
POINT AFTER NOR
601 Cross Timbers, Flower Mou 972.539.1717 – pointafternort
Steelers, Bears, Pack gather here so come fans also frequent “T food for real sports fa 22 TVs showing all t have 2010 Golden and Pool tables. PRESS BOX GRILL
1623 Main St, Dallas 75201 214.747.8226 – pressboxgrill.
Prices lower for a d in any major US city screen TV, 17 flat-scre and 40 bottles from ar menu of bar-food fav to LSU but all fans are
FRANCHISE GRILL
THE QUARTER BAR
One of the most technologically sophisticated venues for watching sports in the Metroplex. Headphones and ultra-high bandwidth switching technology enables fans to watch whatever they want. OU, Texas Tech and A & M fans especially welcome. 26 screens.
The Quarter refers to course and so does th the many wines, beers cluding Hurricanes). F come here but this is Fabulous patio, great a games!
15201 Addison Rd, Addison 750 972.788.1919 – thequarter.biz
3000 Custer Rd, #345, Plano 75075 972.599.7598 – franchisegrill.com
FRANKIE’S SPORTS BAR AND GRILL 3227 McKinney, Dallas 75204 214.999.8932 – frankiesbar.com
“Hip, but not snooty” (Dallas Morning News), this upscale yet casual hangout is the place to catch any sporting event. The 34 televisions (including two 10-ft HD TVs) and 20 Satellite receivers ensure complete
LONE STAR GRILL AND SPORTS CAFÉ 1144 N. Plano Rd Richardson 75082 972.680.0400 – lonestargrillandcafe.com
Relax in a sports atmosphere with hamburgers, subs, “Hog Wild Pork Wings,” and world famous Beer Battered Onion Rings. Daily specials and plenty of room to stretch out and enjoy your favorite Dallas sports team win! MCKINNEY AVENUE TAVERN 2822 McKinney Ave, Dallas 75204 214.969.1984 – mckinneyavenuetavern.com
This place has a huge following for live mu-
REDROCK
18110 Midway Rd, #208, Dallas 972.733.3683 – redrockbaran
This is a sleek entry on in the Far North Dalla ferent-sized screens o for Texas and OU fan and Cowboys adheren
Menu is a good deal o location. There are T caters to fans of all d College Game Plan. servation.
ERS
for the SMU crowd there early and avoid ards and darts in back. you’ll always find TVs events. Sports viewbut the place is always
NT
5001 s.com
ned its doors back in notice an older clienan “everyone knows comfy as your own out the distractions of friend/children/room-
August 17 - 23, 2011 11
Thursday, Friday and Saturday. SAN FRANCISCO ROSE
3024 Greenville, Dallas 75206 214.826.2020 – sanfranciscorose.com
Satisfying fans since 1977. Watch the game on their 10-foot projection screen in the “Thorn Room” or on eight 50-inch HD plasmas or 30 TVs throughout. NFL Ticket and College Game Plan. An official Texas Tech-watching party location. SPORTS PAGE GRILL
3300 Mockingbird Ln, Dallas 75235 214.654.1021
Adjacent to the Wyndham Dallas Love Field, they have twelve large flat screen TVs and a great sound system. Their Sports Page Platter is a must while watching the big game. Lots of import and domestic beer on tap, a fully-stocked bar, loads of free parking and an awesome patio.
kers and Vikings fans early. Texas and OU The Point.” Real bar ans since 1984, with the games. They also Tee, Big Buck Safari
.com
downtown spot than y: 112” HD projector een TVs, 36 tap beers round the world, a full vorites. Special nudge e welcome.
R & GRILL
001 z
the French Quarter of he great Cajun food, s and mixed drinks (inFans of many colleges always a Saints bar. ambience, food…and
s 75287 ndgrill.net
n the sports bar scene as corridor. Three difoffer dynamic viewing ns. Also draws Saints nts. Live entertainment
TOADIES HIDEAWAY
14902 Preston Rd #924, Dallas 75254 972.661.5221
Over 20 TVs and a friendly waitstaff. A great hangout for Texas, OU and SMU fans. This Toadies is in transition so now is the time to become part of the core clientele of a place that is famous for beautiful waitresses, good bar food and a smoke-friendly patio. Open 11-2am daily. TWENTY7 SPORTS BAR
3100 Independence Pkwy, Ste 299, Plano 75075 972.599.2000 – 360Dallas.com
A friendly and well-appointed entry in the Plano sports scene frequented by professional athletes like owner Craig Monroe, who is easy to know. Food is professional and the sports talk is knowledgeable. This sports bar has everything going for it. Daily specials. WEST END PUB
RTH
und 75028 th.com
created a superb atmosphere for watching the game and getting to know the regulars. They have a pool table and shuffleboard. Many SMU fans call this their second home.
1801 N. Lamar, Dallas 75202 214.748.5711 – westendpubdallas.net
3RD BASE SPORTS BAR & GRILL 821 Six Flags Dr, Arlington 76011 817.638.8720 – thirdbase-sportsbar.com
Thirty 42-inch HD LCD and 110-inch HDprojection TV along with gorgeous waitresses, just minutes away from Cowboys Stadium and Rangers Ballpark, so it’s a great place to get some affordable pre-game grub or catch the highlights after the game. TEN SPORTS GRILL
1302 Main St, Dallas 75202 214.748.1010 – tensportsgrill.com
All fans are welcome with a special nod to fans of the Saints and Cowboys. 110” projector screen makes viewing an event and the menu offers plenty of varied and well-prepared bar food. Many specials, karaoke on Wed. and live hip-hop on Tues, Fri. and Sat.
Many claims to fame here including “the biggest screen in the West End” and being voted “The Best Sports Bar 2009.” Plenty of beer offerings and a fine Scotch is never far away. Great place to start and finish when going to Mavs and Stars games. THE WILD TURKEY
2470 Walnut Hill Ln, Dallas 75229 214.351.5383 – thewildturkey.net
The Wild Turkey has several TVs and some classic memorabilia on the walls. UFC fights, bar-size pool tables and video games are offered to boot. Affordable beer prices and a great happy hour make this a must. They have home cookin’, seafood specialties and fajitas!
TEXAN STATION
1501 Gaylord Trail, Grapevine 76051 817.778.2215 – gaylordhotels.com
Where the big money goes for sports viewing but the food prices are surprisingly low considering the atmosphere and amenities. Features a 30-foot high 52-foot wide TV screen that may be the biggest in all of Texas. Fifty other screens, great food and service. TIMEOUT TAVERN
5101 West Lovers Ln, Dallas 75209 214.956.9552
A great place for all of you armchair quarterbacks! Since 1998 TimeOut Tavern has
WIZARD’S SPORTS CAFÉ
747 S. Central Expwy, Richardson 75080 972.235.0371 – wizardssportscafe.com
This is a great lunch spot when you want to get away from the office for a while. Besides great food specials, they give you one free hour of pool with lunch. You can have your own watching party in their Skybox. The waitresses are watchable also. Do you know a great Sports Bar and Grill? We want to hear about it. Email us at editor@blitzweekly.com
August 17 - 23, 2011 13
White Pickup,
Blue Music
By Hannah Allen “Out and About in DFW”
When I was a kid my dad used to drive this white Toyota pickup truck. My good friend Josh nicknamed it “the little, white vehicle of DEATH.” This sounds extreme but you have to understand the way my father drove it. Once, sitting in the right hand lane of an intersection of two very busy city streets he became irate that the four cars sitting in front of him at the red light were not as eager to turn right as he was. So, he hopped the curb and passed them all on the sidewalk, turned right onto the street and acted as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. He also had a habit of making the drive terrifying even if conditions were otherwise safe. His most noted tactic for this was to play harmonica with both hands while driving. And I don’t mean through a neighborhood at 30 mph but I-35E at 80 mph. I have often attributed my almost Pavlovian aversion to traditional blues music to these little concerts. I mention this because blues music happens to be his favorite. Muddy Waters, Robert Johnson, The Blues Breakers. He loves it all. My father detested the music I was listening to during the time the little, white vehicle of DEATH was my primary mode of transportation. I can’t say that I blame him; I was only about thirteen or fourteen and can’t say my musical palate was anything close to developed. Our compromise was usually The Beatles. The blues didn’t reach out to me until a few years later when I started paying attention to early Led Zeppelin tunes, Stevie Ray Vaughn’s Texas Flood and Red House by Jimi Hendrix. After those discoveries I was able to begin tracing the musical roots backward and began to catch glimpses of what blues music might mean. The first time I visited Memphis the surrounding delta conjured Robert Johnson. When I found myself in Chicago, Muddy Waters constantly came to mind. After settling in Dallas a good friend and I discovered a three-piece blues band, which she followed like a twitterpated groupie for months. When their mysterious
drummer suddenly packed up and moved to the Pacific Northwest the fizzle was almost audible and my girlfriend was crushed she’d been left behind. Sadly, she moved to the Rocky Mountains and I took my blues, without exception, at The Goat on Gaston Ave. Definitely not a bad place to do so but there have been nights when the dragooned sounds of past glory days have mumbled out of a Mexican Strat and I feel much like I did in the days of the little, white vehicle of DEATH – a little scared and definitely confused about the music old men like. Recently, I’ve become enamored of a blues trio called Jason Elmore and Hoodoo Witch after a perchance encounter with their capable live show one night at the Bone in Deep Ellum. I decided I had to write more about them and went to the Goat with a few drinking buddies when I got wind of their playing an entire evening. What was pouring off of the stage weren’t the dust-covered standards even my previous local blues favorites had cranked through their Marshalls but something more alive, something more relevant. This was steeped in the blues but the glimmerings of a hidden virtuosity along the lines of Steve Vai and Randy Rhodes managed to come through while the rhythm section provided a solid foundation with their own brand of flash underneath Jason’s histrionics. Traces of a guitar god amidst the deep Delta and Chicago were more Hendrix than Page and the phrasing, while somewhat traditional, reminded me of the liferestoring feeling a cup of coffee can have on a hangover. Their many fans thwarted my attempts at getting quotes from the band during their breaks between sets but I felt like I was watching rock stars at a press conference and resolved to follow them as a fan and not just a commentator. In recent years my father has traded his pickup truck for a Mercedes, which I still hesitate to ride in since he’d obviously be driving, but he brings me home a Beale Street T-shirt every time he goes to Memphis on business.
By Jeff Putnam editor@blitzweekly.com
Hey Senators! Congressmen! Blind Justices and Tiny-Timorous President! Here I am again trying to get your attention. My friend Dennis Hambright thinks the only way to get it is to pitch you into a pit and poke you with a sharp stick. But he’s one of those Wild West types who used to tar and feather the likes of you and ride you out of town on a rail. But none of it worked. Here you are again like Bobo, the sparring partner of my early childhood. You know perfectly well that except for odd ducks like Bernie Sanders, Dennis Kucinich and Alan Grayson (RIP) you all deserve to be thrashed for selling out the country. There’s not space here for a list of your crimes. Anyone who’s got the time can find them all in the Congressional Record. Mainly because of my optimistic West Texas wife I’m only allowed to look on the bright side and call attention to the good news you’ve been ignoring while the country burns and you argue amongst yourselves about how much longer the water supply will hold out (to borrow Robert Reich’s analogy). All right—I’m not sure how new my news is, but there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s good news. Right here in the middle of the new Dark Ages my miserable benighted soul has been bathed in light. I’ve been reading about hemp, you see—all the books I could get my hands on—and I’ve now got hope for our species for the first time in years. No, I’m not some stoner seeking to justify his flights from reality. There’s nothing easy about any of this. The fibrous hemp that could save the world, and justifies all my high hopes, has the same Latin name as its bushy relative with all the THC—the one the kids are growing in their bathtubs. This is unfortunate because industrial hemp, which grows to more than twice the height of a man, is easily distinguished from its shrubby, much-maligned cousin. What about the good news? Brace yourselves. Hemp grows so fast it can reach six feet in two weeks. Theoretically, it could be harvested three times a year, but rarely is the combination of soil and seasonal change so favorable. Anyway, hemp grows so fast that weeds can’t compete with it. So bear in mind that this wonder plant is the most renewable of resources. It needs little care, and while it’s growing, more than any other
species in the plant kingdom, it will be sequestering carbon from the air in its hurd, the tissue that corresponds to the heartwood of a tree. Here, too, heavy metals are leached from the soil and sequestered so that soil planted with hemp is gradually improved. The pulpy hurd is a wonderful insulator, is water-resistant and easily made fireproof. Mixed with lime it makes a better building block than concrete and weighs only a seventh as much. The long fibers which compose the outside of the stem or bast account for the fact that hemp makes a better fiberboard than any material currently in use, superior cloth and durable paper (the U.S. Constitution and Declaration of Independence were drawn up on paper made from hemp). Hemp oil is a better source of Omega 3 fatty acids than flax oil. This oil accounts for some of the cosmetic uses of hemp, which are consider-
able. The seeds are 25% protein, and it is the most available and balanced protein of all known plant sources. Brewed it makes a wonderful, nuttytasting beer. The list goes on and on, but hemp’s durability may be its most surprising virtue. Unlike wood, which degrades easily, hemp lasts for years—hundreds of years. Houses built with hemp might well survive, with minimal maintenance, for six hundred years. I grant you, our society is now heavily invested in other materials to satisfy its building needs. And the producers of those substances have you, our greedy leaders, in their pockets if not their beds. In other words, you’re being well paid to look the other way. So I realize, of course, that you’re afraid to be cut off from your gravy train and you may even be afraid for your lives. All I’m trying to do is get your attention, remember? Over here! I’m the one stirring the pot of tar.
14 August 17 - 23, 2011
Level Three Guard By Jack E. Jett “Jett Streams”
Many of you may remember William Katt as the jock who took Sissy Spacek to the prom in Carrie and later became the hero in The Greatest American Hero, but theater queens around the globe will remember him simply as Pip-pip-pip-pip Pippin. Welcome to the show, Sir William Katt of Hollywood. How are ya? Hey, man! What’s goin’ on? I’m looking for my corner.
I loved that show so much. That was a lot of fun.
So here we go, and in doing our research we came to find out that William Katt is the son of Barbara Hale, Della Street on Perry Mason. How cool is that, Mr. Katt? I don’t know. I’ve never known anything different, really.
I’m here to tell you the difference. It is the coolest thing in the world to have your mom be Della Street, Barbara Hale. How is momma doing?
Momma is doing great, thank you so much. She has a birthday coming up here in April, but she’s sharp as a tack. Annoyingly so. And very healthy.
You’ll notice, it wasn’t until she and Raymond Burr went off the air that the evildoers were coming in. There would never have been a need for George Bush had your mom kept working and Perry Mason continued to be on the air. The conservatives were in safe hands.
Right. So you were always a thespians’ thespian and ended up, let’s say, in less thespianic roles, if such a thing exists. Do you prefer theatre, film, TV or just offers of free money?
All of the above. I’ll tell you what… More often than not I’m offered better roles in the theatre, and I enjoy doing that because the films that I’ve been doing of late—other than an episode here and there on Heroes, or the great series House— leave something to be desired.
Hmm. Well, what role just made you giddy to go to work everyday?
Ohmigod, so many. When I was doing The Greatest American Hero, I really enjoyed that. And I loved working on the Perry Mason specials years ago, going to work with my mom and Ray, whom I’d known since I was a kid. I loved work-
ing with Aaron Spelling. I did an arc of shows with him on Models, Inc. years ago that was fabulous.
Were you stoked beyond belief when you got the part of the Greatest American Hero? Not originally, to be very honest. It wasn’t until I was doing the show that I began to appreciate how much fun it actually was. I had never thought of myself as a funny or witty person and it was on that show that I really made that discovery.
Did you become a chick magnet overnight with that show, with a title like that?
You know, when Carrie came out I was living in this white ghetto area with a couple of roommates and I’d come home after that movie had been out for a couple of weeks and there would be girls hanging out on my front lawn. And I said, “Ohmigod, is this heaven or what?”
I’m glad to hear that. But Greatest American Hero… What could be a greater chickmagnet type of thing than that? “Oh, he’s the dude that plays ‘Greatest American Hero.’ Oh, gotta have that!” Yeah, but I was like this skinny little guy in red sagging tights, you know, so it was kind of a double-edged sword.
You know, highbrow is never the way to go in television. When I say that, I mean we wanted to… We thought the comedy would be a bit more highbrow. I don’t mean to sound erudite…
When something gets canceled are there like those five phases of mourning or whatever? Or do you go straight to number five, get drunk and get over it?
At the time, you know, I really had a love/hate relationship with that red suit. So it was like I ripped it off of me and ran away screaming with joy when I left that show. Then I found that I missed it. And I missed the camaraderie of the set, and I missed Connie Sellecca a lot and remarkably enough Bob Culp and I started out to be, really, tremendous enemies on that show but we ended up being fast friends. And have remained such for thirty years.
www.jackejett.com
Dear BLITZbudsman: The ones who have employees come and go—always the same time been here the longest are the craziest, that’s the except for illness. We stop new cars for papers. first thing that didn’t seem quite right on Level We stop cars for riders we haven’t seen before. Three of the Main Garage. I’m one of four Level The rest of the time we beat the crap out of our Three Guards. I’ve been at it for ten years and heavy bags—one hangs in every section—or we would be up for a promotion if one of our I-Lev- do calisthenics on a bar. Anyone who doesn’t el guards died or quit or one of the guards on belong is supposed to get killed but it’s rare that Levels Four, Five or Six did. But nobody dies or an intruder makes it as far as Level Three. Twice quits. That’s the next thing you notice after two, in ten years, and both times it was our mistake. Everything changed two weeks ago. Six new three years. I-Level stands for Inter-Level or Intra-Level, I’m I-Levels, all women—the first ever. They don’t not sure which because there’s nothing on paper show us stuff about fighting but they write about about us. We don’t even see each other’s Levels us. Also—no way I’m the only one to notice—the hasn’t been on site but we have numbers “What I want to know is: where Man for two weeks, either. on our uniforms and even a slightly differ- do these women come from? Are The helipad has been vacant all that time. ent style of dress so they real?” All of us report to we can recognize First Floor Management each other at a disonce a week, but not on the First Floor. There are tance. There’s no talking in class but I’ve learned conference rooms next to the Main Classroom. to read minds from years of eye-contact and I To the question “Have you noticed anything know I’m not the only one who understands that unusual,” I said, “Yes, you’re a woman.” Also, we’re being trained to think of the guards from “The new I-Levels are women.” Also, “I will take other Levels as enemies. First Floor Management out any I-Level who violates my space without would be on us right away if we fraternized warning.” away from this place. And all of us come to work Examiners used to say, “Yes. What else?” These females, all beautiful, just write and open at different times. I think about it. At class we fight each other, mixed martial the automatic door behind us when they’ve arts. This is where you have to forget about be- heard enough. I forgot to say that I-Levels can ing friends for a while. If we held back in our violate our space whenever they want as long matches the I-Level people would see it right as they say our code name. We use code names away. It’s rare that anyone does, but in ten years that change each week. What I want to know two guys just disappeared. Their replacements is: where do these women come from? Are they didn’t know what was going on and none of the real? – Tired of guessing I-Levels or Examiners would tell us anything. We carry our automatic weapons when the Dear Tired: As to the women’s reality, your guess is as good as mine. But the rationale for most of what you tell me is plain enough. “Class” is a mechanism whereby all of you can be contained at once by self-locking doors. The reason you know little about each other except your rank is to prevent the building being stormed. Level Two Guards are not going to let the Level Ones tell them what to do. And because you can’t communicate you don’t know who to trust. I doubt the women you describe are cause for concern. Many who were once executive secretaries are now flooding the offices that were emptied after the last looting. Anyway, reality is not your concern. Keep circling your heavy bag and watching your back. You’ve given me no idea of your activities outside of work. Are you a pigeon-feeder, by chance? If not, ask your minders to tell you about Mr. Tesla’s adventures in that area. Write to the BLITZbudsman at: blitzbudsman@blitzweekly.com
August 17 - 23, 2011 15
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Can salted pork products bring world peace?
Recent research proves pork products can promote peace
A
By Jesse Whitman jwhitman00@gmail.com
s I read through the daily headlines— fighting in Syria, civil war in Libya, rioting in London—it occurred to me that most rioting in the world happens in countries with the least amount of bacon and lowest obesity rates. Consider this: could you imagine someone leaving Hardee’s after gorging on a fried bologna biscuit and then wanting to go smash windows and detonate car bombs? They won’t be able to riot or fight because they will be happily satiated with high amounts of sodium and calories, which brings me to an interesting hypothesis. Perhaps all fighting and rioting is due simply to hunger? It is interesting that doctors in Afghanistan, Libya, and Egypt noted that all of their patients had less than 1 percent body fat, and one look at world news and you can see most of them are mad as hell. In contrast, the child obesity rates in Mississippi are so high that many are getting adult diseases such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart disease, proving that they can’t riot because they are too fat to move. Such is not the case with the current rioters in London, which, from the photos and news reports, appear to be very skinny and very angry teenagers. The anger from hunger—and lack of bacon— can also hit close to home. For example, one couple from Denver, Colorado, who have been married for 26 years, are having serious issues and are even considering separating. Interestingly, the wife Patricia, 61, an accountant, never
cooks, leaving the husband Frank, 63, an out of tute of Molecular Biology and Neurochemistry at work handyman, with no proper meals but cheese the University of Phoenix. The director of research, and crackers. Consequently Frank also falls into Dr. John Hamm, PhD, has found that salted pork the category of having less than 1 percent body products, particularly extra crispy bacon, causes fat and Patricia’s main complaint is that he is too the brain to produce hamoxin, a natural opiate that creates calm and peaceful feelings throughout short-tempered. But there is hope for marriages on the rocks. the body. Instead of wasting all of that time and money on As I drive through the local strip mall and see signs advertising marriage counseling, “…the current rioters in London… Wendy’s Baconator Patricia just needs to fry up some bacon. appear to be very skinny and very Double, a 5,000 calorie burger that could I mean, really, how angry teenagers.” feed three Somalians could anyone be anfor a week, I feel lucky gry if there is a plate of sizzling, crispy bacon in front of them? Which to be American. People are fighting hard and riskproves that bacon can not only promote world ing life and limb to ease their oppression—namely hunger as a result of too little bacon and pork peace but also save marriages! Bacon connoisseurs at baconfreak.com also products—which is a constant reminder that bapromote bacon as a “feel good food,” which has con isn’t free but freedom is bacon. recently been proven by researchers at the Insti-
16 August 17 - 23, 2011
Geniuses I’ve Known:
Mischa Dolnikoff
…No one knew enough to know him.
By Jeff Putnam editor@blitzweekly.com
Lefty’s Lobster and Chowderhouse By Judy Chamberlain jchamberlain@blitzweekly.com
In appearance he stood out. Six-four, a shock of dark, straight hair when I met him (the cut reminding me of Bobby Kennedy, who had been murdered a few years before)—he was a huge man with a lumbering gait. I was in my thirties when we met and he was more than twenty years older. He had an amused look when we talked that made him seem distant. And much of what he said to me could have been prefaced by “My boy…” As a possible father figure I should have hated him. he was a member, Mischa would do color impres I didn’t. He treated me as a fellow artist and sions of everyone present using poster paint and let me be right from time to time. I had a better the side of his thumb. Already I’d noticed at Ruth’s serve in tennis and he couldn’t return it. The rest of that some of his paintings appeared to have been my game stank and he routinely beat me. I might done on cloth or anything that came readily to have had a better voice but as an artist and musi- hand. I didn’t know enough about painting to get cian I couldn’t hold a candle to Mischa. into the right or wrong of what he was doing. I’d seen him play several string and reed in- I became Mischa’s rep and started placing struments, and on piano he could play famous his paintings in restaurants and other small busisolos. (Not a whole concerto, but enough by nesses where I knew the owners. I found out more memory to prove this wasn’t some party trick.) about him when I tried to get the big galleries Our main point of contact was an accompanist downtown to take some of his work. The owner named Ruth Fischer, of Gilbert Galleries a woman about laughed and told “Mischa’s refusal to work with conMischa’s age, who me he had a basehad been a longtime ventional materials…was ‘one of the ment full of things patron. She had a Mischa’s that he great tragedies of American art…’” ofcouldn’t beautiful mansion sell. The near Golden Gate problem was MisPark where the walls were covered with Mischa’s cha’s refusal to work with conventional materials, paintings. I heard things about Mischa in dribbles canvas and fixatives. It was “one of the great tragwhile we rehearsed. After a time, though, she be- edies of American art,” he told me. came reticent. I thought it might have wounded I unearthed a review by Alfred Frankenstein, her slightly that Mischa was willing to spend so the great critic, who had written about a show much time with me. of Mischa’s at Grace Cathedral, saying that his We played tennis every Friday afternoon, af- huge paintings could only be compared to Miter which Mischa beat me at a game of checkers. chelangelo—in their brilliance of conception He was a chess master too, I think, but I wasn’t and mastery of execution? This article, from the about to take a hiding in that area. I had a few San Francisco Chronicle, is long lost. And there friends who were rated players and I was as tired was more evidence of Mischa’s eccentricity: he’d of their victories as Mischa must have been of my been included in a reference book about Ameritennis serve. I was vicious in sports as my father can painters and had for a time, the article said, had taught me to be—perhaps his only legacy. lived on a hillside in Berkeley with a goat. Yes, At parties of the S. F. Opera Chorus, of which for food, I learned from Ruth, who was starting to look worried about my historical interests. Mischa confirmed, as I’d heard from Ruth, that his painting had been supported by the WPA when he was a teenager. Looking back what I remember best was watching him work in his studio, the attic of a huge building on Ashbury. With opera playing at high volume, he completed painting after painting—perhaps thousands during the time I knew him. Will the mysterious people in his paintings— recognizably a culture, a race, but each unique— turn up in someone’s collection someday or have they vanished from the earth? I left the city before I had answers to my questions and by now the people who could have answered them are surely gone. But a tragedy in all this? I’m sure Mischa would not have thought so.
I expect a lot from a New England-style lobster restaurant. Lobster should only be from Maine or Canada, flown in live and cooked to order. It’s best when steamed clambake-style with little red potatoes and sweet corn cooked in the same pot…or parboiled, stuffed with a mixture of bread crumbs, shrimp and seasonings and lightly broiled. Drawn butter is a must. Australian lobster tails don’t count, sorry. We are talking whole, live, fresh Maine lobster here. There’s nothing in the world quite so good… except for fresh, live lobster from certain parts of Canada. Not Baja, not San Diego. California and Mexico can keep their lobsters. Northeastern crustaceans definitely rule. So why am I so opinionated? I grew up in New England, that’s why. Anyone who has ever tasted a baked, broiled or stuffed lobster at Nantucket’s Jared Coffin House – or pretty much anywhere in New England – is potentially a lobster snob for life. The high point of any summer weekend in Connecticut, Long Island, Cape Cod, or coastal Maine or Canada, especially toward the end of the season in, say, mid-August in that part of the world means a clambake on the beach. And “clambake,” loosely translated, means: lobster. Lefty’s, in Addison, is a comfortable, friendly neighborhood seafood restaurant with East Coast roots that serves a lot of lobster. The owner told me he estimates that the restaurant goes through about 2,000 pounds of the stuff every week. They buy their lobster from a purveyor who ships it to them from Maine – the kind with only one claw instead of two – and it’s pretty good. One-clawed lobsters (culls) can be had at a good price from purveyors, so Lefty’s doesn’t have to charge an arm and a tail…er, I mean leg… for their lobster dinners.
The lobsters all have left-handed claws. Do you suppose that this is why the place is called “Lefty’s?” A recent “clambake special” for dinner consisted of a one-pound lobster steamed and served with steamed clams, mussels, corn and potatoes for $28.95. Not bad. The clam chowder that came with the dinner wasn’t as fumé- (fish stock) and cream-enriched as I would have liked, but nobody else in our group seemed to mind. Lefty’s gets points for serving Maine lobster. They steam their corn and potatoes separately from the seafood, though – which sort of sidesteps the “East Coast” idiom. I’m such a purist. Another entrée, king crab (from Alaska, which is where it is supposed to be from), was no match for the lobster and, at $44.95, a bit on the steep side for the surroundings. A crab cake appetizer was oddly moist throughout and not very crabby. When the weather isn’t quite as hot as it’s been lately, the chef will start serving specials like lobster thermidor and à l’Americaine. The sourdough bread is great and the Maredsous Belgian ale on tap goes well with the food here. Lefty’s also serves huge lobsters. I applaud the restaurant for making three pound lobsters available to the Dallas dining public. The specials – and any of the three pounders – can be ordered in pound and a half versions; i.e., half a lobster. I perk up when I hear “homemade blueberry pie” for dessert. Lefty’s prides itself on using only fresh ingredients, and their blueberries are organic, from Texas. The blueberry pie here – and sometimes fresh peach pie – is served warm, with ice cream. Have it their way. Lefty’s Lobster and Chowderhouse 4021 Belt LineRd., Addison, TX (972) 774-9518 • leftyslobster.com Lunch: Dinner:
Mon - Fri Mon-Thu Fri & Sat Sunday
11:00 - 2:00 5:00 - 10:00 5:00 - 11:00 5:00 - 9:30
August 17 - 23, 2011 17
HORRORSCOPES
FUNNIES
(Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)
You might be in a dream world in which you perceive the situation to be quite different from what it actually is. When you wake up, you will still have to go to your sh!tty job.
Q: What did the blonde’s left knee say to her right knee? A: I haven’t seen you since prom night!
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: You can’t get a finger between the rope and his neck!
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
If the current state of the economy affects your mood in a negative way, try to do some shopping. That always makes you happy. (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Since no one takes you seriously anymore, consider using some expressive hand gestures to get your point across.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You will emerge from the turmoil of next week a changed man due to your new set of man-boobs! (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You will be unable to shake the feeling that Russian Folk Dancing is the next big thing. (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
So you’re the idiot who keeps trying to bring back the wave to the Ballpark in Arlington. (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Congrats! You’ve been pre-approved for a Blitz Weekly Platinum Card with Double the Readership Miles.
DOWN: 1. Movable fence barriers 2. Cut short 3. Donnybrook 4. French for “Summer” 5. Horse barn 6. A donation of 10% 7. Hodgepodge 8. A feeling of profound love 9. Two short of a dozen 10. Assault 11. Capable of being traced 12. Ow!
13. Prefix meaning “Beyond” 18. Speedy 22. Small European freshwater fish 24. Flair 26. A clown 28. Wooden shoe 29. Points 30. Where the sun rises 31. A city in France 32. Verbal 33. Bring up to date 34. Foible 37. Earl Grey and orange pekoe 38. Matured 40. In this way 41. Sea duck 43. One who creates ceramics 44. Truthful 46. Donated 47. Avoid 48. Short-horned goat antelope 49. Stalks 50. Absorb written material 51. Cocoyam 53. Otherwise 56. Ocean 57. Sebaceous cyst
(Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Your uncanny ability to discern the key differences between crocodiles and alligators will come in handy when you tell the Dallas Zoo keeper what really happened.
45. Awaken 46. A female deity 50. Leases 52. French for “Queen” 54. Animal doctor 55. Modify written material 56. Cutlery 58. Cutting tool 59. S S S S 60. Ancient Biblical kingdom 61. One who accomplishes 62. Catkin 63. Current event information
(Apr. 20 – May 20)
A Taurus is supposed to be dynamic, ambitious and outgoing, which makes it kind of strange that you’re such a goddamned p*ssy.
Urban Warriors A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Bostonian are sitting together in a bar in the Yukon. The Texan tosses back his shot of tequila, throws the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it to pieces. The other two, shocked, just stare at the Texan. He explains, “Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila.” The New Yorker, not to be outdone, finishes his glass of wine, tosses the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it apart. “Where I come from,” he explains, “we have plenty of fine wine.” The Boston guy slowly drinks the last drop of his beer, tosses the empty bottle in the air, pulls out a gun, and shoots the New Yorker between the eyes. He then catches the bottle on the way down. “Where I come from,” he says slowly, “we never waste booze—and we have plenty of New Yorkers.”
ACROSS: 1. Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit 5. Brown ermine 10. “Smallest particle” 14. Assist 15. Diacritical mark 16. Not false 17. Acceptance 19. Diplomacy 20. Before 21. Find repugnant 22. Russian villa 23. Spire 25. By surprise 27. Prevaricate 28. Concentration camp 31. Wanderer 34. Indian corn 35. Constrictor 36. Press laundry 37. Forbidden 38. Anagram of “Salt” 39. Scoundrel 40. Part of a joint 41. Discharge 42. Pachyderm 44. Hasten
(May 21 – Jun. 21)
You’ll be thankful that you stocked up on toilet paper at Costco this weekend when your bowels finally lose that battle with IBS.
Q: What do girls and rocks have in common? A: Everyone skips the flat ones.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Your book regarding love and romance will become a New York Times Best Seller. Unfortunately, it will be aptly titled: My Hand Is My Best Friend.
(Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
Your current state of bliss will last until Sunday. After that you’re on your own.
18 August 17 - 23, 2011
“…it’s apparent that the [politico bus] has taken a dead reckoning course toward the edge of the cliff.”
By Dennis Hambright www.dennishambright.com
It’s been a rough week in the trenches and nobody’s smiling. The mere thought of turning on the evening news and hearing what latest infectious boil has erupted on the rump of society turns my lower intestine into a quivering knot of debilitating cramps. For my own sanity, I think I’d rather take my chances and drink rancid puddle water from the side of the road down in Mexico. At least I could suffer my agony like a man, and not a mindless sheep being led to slaughter with the rest of the herd. It has to be better than listening to ten more seconds of the talking heads on CNN explaining why I need to be more fiscally responsible in these difficult times, while the Honchos on the Hill spend money faster than the presses can print it, and erect a mountain of debt that my great, great, great grandchildren will curse my name for leaving them to deal with. The Demo-craps and Republi-cruds continue their pointless duel with cheap plastic Star Wars swords, while the candle of our fragile economy blazes at both ends toward a worthless center. The wick is short and as dry as desert tinder, and it can’t last much longer. The sad truth is, not much has really changed since Caligula was the head heathen. Sex and greed are the rocket fuel that powers the politico bus, and it’s apparent that it’s taken a dead reckoning course toward the edge of the cliff. If something doesn’t happen soon, nobody will be right or wrong. Everybody will be equal in the charred remains of the crash at the bottom of the ravine. What’s it going to take to make our elected officials understand that there’s no Me in Team. Most of us grasped that concept in kindergarten, and were able to write it out on a Big Chief tablet with pencils as thick as a puppy’s leg, and if we didn’t follow the rules and learn to get along,
we lost our milk and cookie privileges before naptime. Come on guys! How long can you operate under the SODDI system? (Some Other Dude Did It.) You can’t spend your entire term blaming it on the last guy, or the new guy, or the other guy. You’re the guy! Now just buck the hell up and get it done! Lately, I thought maybe the malaria was back. I first got it when I was working down in the Amazon basin, and the high fever and conflicting bouts of chills and night sweats brought on long days of delirium, where I thought the natives wore tuxedoes and hi-top Converse tennis shoes, and rode around their bamboo huts on pink girl’s bicycles, and the spider monkeys sang opera tunes from the tops of the trees. Back then, I squeezed my eyes shut and said my prayers and waited for reality to return. Of course, after weeks on end of hearing the ridiculous nonsense and wrangling from what are supposed to be our highly educated and levelheaded leaders, and then picking up the paper today and reading a story about a petition that’s being passed around asking that Bert and Ernie, those dear old Sesame Street friends, be allowed to get married to each other and live in harmonious bliss, I thought surely the malaria was back… I hoped it was back…I prayed it was back! But my wishes for the bliss of delirium were crushed, and I had to accept the fact that the reality of the day is just as twisted and frightening as fever-induced nightmares in the Amazonian jungle. So, Dear Mr. Politician, until the laws are changed and regular folks like us are able to toss you into a deep pit and poke you with sharp sticks until you get the idea that we’re not happy, would you please take it upon yourself to do what we elected you to do: play nice and get along and do what’s right for the country, and not just what you think will get you re-elected? We really would appreciate it.