Blitz Weekly

VOL. 3 - ISSUE 52

August 31 - September 6, 2011 3

Love Thy Neighbor

BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: Lights All Night Returns 5 Cowboys News 6 Rangers News 7 TCU / SMU / UNT Football Previews COVER STORY: Big 12 Football Preview A Look At The Big 12 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Lauren 12 Blitz Restaurant Review: Nuevo Leon 14 Blitz Toys 15 Class Warfare: 15 Fantasy Football Squatters 16 Trees Anniversary Show 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 All We Need Is Love (And Beer) 18 Last Call: Have The Shrinks Gone Mad 19

PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed GRAPHIC DESIGNER Damien Mayfield PHOTO EDITOR Darryl Briggs

Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor Judy Chamberlain COVER Cover Photography: Manny Flores Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Hannah Allen, Geoff Case, Manny Flores, Tammy Lo, Callee MacAuley, Michael Melwani, Matt Pearce, Ryan Rescott, Tommy Smith, CaptainPicard, goodnight_photography, SD Dirk STAFF WRITERS Hannah Allen, Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Jack E. Jett, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Jay Betsill, Johnny Blaze, Andrew J. Hewett, Tommy Smith, Jonathan Sullivan CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029

www.blitzweekly.com

Copyright 2011 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www.blitzweekly.com.

Welcome to New Port Richey, Florida and your new neighbor Dale McDaniel. He’s only 52 and has been arrested at least 34 times that we know of. He’s a role model to the youth of America and you’ll see why. Mr. McDaniel is known for drinking all the time, shouting obscenities at everyone, urinating in his own yard and threatening the lives of those who dare cross his path.

According to one neighbor, Dale McDaniel has chased him with a chainsaw. Another has been grabbed by the throat. One elderly woman stated that Dale curses them with “every four-letter word that you’ve never heard of.” (We at Blitz Weekly are open to learning to new words!) Lastly a quadriplegic neighbor mentioned that one time Mr. McDaniel slapped him in the face with a fish.

When informed that some of his neighbors fear him, he said, “that’s a good thing.” McDaniel doesn’t believe that he is trouble saying that his neighbors “just don’t know how to deal with me.”

To add to the controversy some of his neighbors actually like him and that only has to raise concerns.

Women’s Only Flash Drive Hits Market

What started out as a joke for many has now become reality. It may look like a flash drive and trust us when it comes to personal information this won’t get too deep. A San Francisco-based design firm has created what looks like a flash drive but is actually a vibrator. Crave proudly offers the “Duet” for women looking for enhancement while remaining discreet.

The 16GB device has a four-hour battery life which can be recharged through a normal USB port on any personal computer or laptop. Four hours apparently is enough for a long road trip, a plane flight or a night of fun. The Duet is also water proof up to 100 feet and emits minimal sound. Ti Chang who designed the apparatus understands the needs of a woman and she feels that women will avoid raised eyebrows since they will no longer need to purchase D-cell batteries.

The best part is that with its 16GB of memory the Duet actually doubles as a legitimate storage device. This could be the perfect stocking stuffer, if you catch our drift!

Now Hear This!

Last week on August 23 a 5.8 earthquake shook the East Coast in many ways causing fear to many. However for Robert Valderzak he received a blessing. On Father’s Day of this year the 75year old lost his hearing when he fell and had been hospitalized ever since. He had been using a special speaker phone with an audio device system to communicate.

Last Tuesday something strange happened with his children present during the earthquake.

When all was said and done, Valderzak who had been sitting in silence for months sat up in the hospital bed and said, “my hearing is back. I can hear everything, people in the hallway.” Dr. Ross Fletcher, Chief of Staff at the Veteran’s Hospital in Northwest D.C. believes that Valderzak is still suffering from some hearing loss.

Valderzak doesn’t care about taking any tests or the thoughts of Dr. Fletcher. He summed up his thoughts by saying, “to me, it was a miracle, a blessing from God up above. Couldn’t ask for a better day.”

A Bunch of Bull?

Thinking about taking a Greyhound bus somewhere soon? Think again. Our friends in Nashville informed us of an interesting incident last Tuesday on I-65. In addition to transporting humans it is not uncommon for Greyhound to transport cargo.

Expensive cargo at that! A certain Greyhound bus took a curve on the on-ramp to I-65 a little too fast and lost several canisters of bull sperm.

There were reports of a foul odor sending local fire and emergency crews to the scene. Upon discovering the four unmarked canisters emitting steam and stench, the ramp was shut down and a HAZMAT crew called in. In addition to the canisters, authorities found bus tickets from Greyhound on the ground. Now see if this adds up. Each canister carries 300 to 400 straws of bull sperm.

Each straw contains one-milliliter of sperm. Depending on the strain of sperm, each straw could be worth between $18 to $50 dollars. It’s possible that the lost load was worth $80,000. The load originated in Columbus, Ohio and was on its way to Laredo, Texas.

After deeming that the canisters were safe and not dangerous, they were moved to a grassy area near the interstate. A local company was called in for clean up. The Greyhound bus driver had no idea he had lost his load. All we can say is: Do not trust “Peaches and Cream” from Nashville at this point.

by Andrew J. Hewett - www.chewednews.com

CHEAP THRILLS? After an investigation by The Dallas Morning News, concerning quality of health care at Dallas’ Parkland Memorial Hospital, they reported 73 female patients had received letters, dated Aug. 13, 2011, stating, “We would like to let you know that you may have been exposed to a speculum” – a vaginal examination instrument – “that may not have been properly sterilized...” (Huh? “We would like to let you know...”)

GOD’S NOT CATHOLIC? A world news service reported Aug. 25, 2011, from Madrid, Spain, Pope Benedict XVI was making an outdoor speech before an estimated one-million young pilgrims, when a freak thunderstorm erupted, quote: “With lightening lighting up the sky, the 84-year-old Benedict was forced to skip the bulk of his speech...”

(Maybe God knows the entire truth?)

MORE SEATS AVAILABLE File this under “Do we really care?” Aug. 21, 2011, CORRECTIONS & CLARIFICATIONS in The Dallas Morning News: “On Saturday’s Metro cover, a story about last-minute school construction in Dallas ISD incorrectly stated that only the restrooms on the first floor of Woodrow Wilson High School may be operating on the first day of school. Some restrooms on the school’s other floors also are working.” (Will miracles never cease?)

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I love the way our team finished up the winter and spring, just the overall attitude, the work ethic of the team.”

- Bob Stoops Photo Courtesy: Manny Flores

4

August 31 - September 6, 2011

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with Zoe Saldana

By Vivian Fullerlove vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com

Your character’s name in the film is Cataleya. The name itself has a symbolic meaning in the film. How does it tie into the story? It is a very unique flower that only grows in a certain region of Colombia; so, obviously he (her father) named her that because that was his only child, his only daughter and he knew from the beginning, I guess, that she was very unique. She always had more things in common with her father than with her mother; so, I think that name totally suits her.

And she is a woman on a mission. There’s almost like there’s this anger and this person has calcified and become hard like rock solid, and that the only thing that keeps her moving is this purpose...to find the people that killed her family. And I don’t even think she’s thinking about what she’s going to do after that. She doesn’t even think that far, that is the only thing that she feels that she’s existing for. So, there is a stillness to her, but I think as an adult there’s this humanity that she’s suppressed so long but it’s inevitable because we are human, and she feels alone; so, there’s many things that are haunting her, but she can’t stop. She’s really sort of a terminator and those are some of the things I found very intimidat-

ing reading up on her and doing my research and bringing her to life. I feel if I were to stand next to a person like that, I would be completely freaked out. She’s just so still.

So, how does she acquire her fighting skills and how did you train for that part of the role? Her uncle’s a thug in reality and so was her father. [They were] people that did odd jobs and worked for organizations that were more mafiosa than legal or corporate or political; so, therefore her level of training would be less graceful and more volatile; so, she’s very much like a Molotov cocktail of weapons training and fight training, but she didn’t really learn in a professional school. It was just her uncle teaching her what he had learned; so, I knew that pretty much eliminated any kind of martial arts or any kind of gun handling that would make me look like I had trained with a police or military force or the navy.

That actually gave me so much more room to find my own way and create my own rhythm I wanted to have when I dealt with guns or knives.

And what can audiences expect when they go see Colombiana? It’s a film about revenge but also about redemption and hope as well. It’s fueled with tons of action and it’s vey international too. They can expect to laugh and cry and cheer this girl on who’s like blowing up homes and shooting guns and getting the crap beaten out of her in a bathroom while she’s beating the crap out of a whole bunch of people. A typical action movie but with tons of heart. I really hope that everybody enjoys it.

You can enjoy Colombiana tonight. The film is open nationwide and is rated PG-13 for violence, disturbing images, intense sequences of action, sexuality and brief strong language.

By Jonathan Sullivan jonathanpsullivan.wordpress.com

Zoe Saldana is definitely making her mark as the kick-butt femme fatale! We got a taste of her action adventure side in last year’s The Losers and she is going full throttle in her new film Colombiana.

Saldana plays a young woman who witnesses the murder of her parents as a small child in Bogota, Columbia. And, let’s just say, she doesn’t get past it. In fact, she does just the opposite and proves that vengeance can be beautiful. I sat down with Zoe who talked about the film and how her character actually freaked her out a bit.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark Adapted from a 1973 made for TV movie, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark harkens back to the old days of horror, when filmmakers relied on suspense and atmosphere to scare its viewers rather than shock and gore. But unlike Insidious, a horror movie released earlier this year that was similar in style, it’s all style and not much else going so far as to commit the most heinous sin any horror movie can: it simply isn’t scary.

Like most horror flicks, the story is simple: young Sally (Bailee Madison) is sent to live with her father (Guy Pearce) and his young girlfriend (Katie Holmes) in a creepy old mansion the two are trying to restore and put back on the market.

While the house is creepy in and of itself, things get weird when they discover a hidden basement to the building and inadvertently let loose a host of tiny, evil golem-like creatures that feed on children’s teeth (yup). Their new target? You guessed it: Sally. It becomes a cat and mouse game from there, with Sally struggling to convince everyone that these creatures exist before becoming their next victim.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is no slouch visually; it’s sleek, moody, and lovingly shot. It also helps that the house itself is beautiful both aesthetically and in a sinister manner. And you can forgive the movie for being light on characterization since that’s not really why most people

watch horror movies (although to be fair Madison does a really good job, essentially carrying the movie and creating an empathetic character despite barely being in the double digits).

What I can’t forgive, however, is the fact that Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, outside of maybe three moments, is not very scary. The tension and suspense fall flat, and the villainous creatures are more funny than scary (they speak in whispers where they elongate every other word, which had me cracking up more often than that). And for anyone expecting some gore due to the R-rating, there’s very little to be had; in fact, there’s very little reason for the R-rating in the first place which it only got because the MPAA deemed it “too scary for people under 17”. Apparently they saw a different movie than I did.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is definitely a watchable movie; it’s competently made and although it’s a slow burn, it doesn’t inspire one to repeatedly look at their watch impatiently waiting for the end credits. But it’s also not as scary as the marketing execs want you to believe; and for most it’ll inspire snorts and giggles as opposed to screams of terror. If I were you I’d stick with Insidious and skip this altogether if you want something that’ll actually scare you.

August 31 - September 6, 2011 5

Wed 8/31

Fabled Journeys in Asian Art The Crow Collection – Dallas Get some culture by taking in paintings, sculptures and more. The exhibition is focusing on art from South and Southeast Asia.

Trust us! This is good for you.

Thur 9/1

Denizens of Darkness Heard Museum – McKinney Afraid of the dark? Most of us are and that makes you normal. Visit the Heard to learn more about bats, the moon and most importantly that there’s nothing to fear.

Fri 9/2

Let us know what you think about this article or to find more music news visit our website at: www.Blitzweekly.com

Sat 9/3

XKO 12 The Gym – Arlington 10 professional cage fights is the main attraction. Throw in the vendors, celebrity guest appearances, live music, beer and a bikini contest and you are set. Oh and it’s affordable.

9/4

Bedford Blues & BBQ City Hall - Bedford Actually it’s on the grounds next to City Hall.

Enjoy BBQ from various vendors and an afternoon of music from Buddy Guy and eight other acts. Good times!

9/5

When we last left off, Hank Keller and Scott Osburn of Dallas’ own Highland Entertainment had just capped off a wildly successful New Year’s Eve event at the Plaza of the Americas coined “Lights All Night”, putting a nice HUGE bow on 2011.

Having pressed on through the blistering summer heat of the current year, these gentlemen had visions of an even bigger party to ring in 2012.

And boy does it look like they have absolutely outdone themselves. We thank you in advance.

This year the biggest extravaganza I dare say in North America will take place again here in our own backyard of downtown Big D. Recognizing that last year sold out well in advance, Hank and Scott decided to up the ante and move things over to the Dallas Convention Center. Ready for the best part? It’s not one but instead it’s two nights of expected madness! Out of towners can enjoy an extremely plush stay at the Omni or Magnolia Hotel and attendees have the option of single or two day festival passes. Travel and VIP packages are available that feature all of the amenities one could ever dream of. And of course, General Admission tickets will also be sold to ensure that nobody that likes to rage gets left out in the cold due to high prices.

Now onto the most important nuts and bolts of the thing: the EPIC lineup. It’s quite evident that the dance scene never really left us. It only seemed to simmer down a bit in the late 90’s and early oughts but as of late the culture has once again exploded with the likes of Nocturnal and Electric Daisy Carnival. We’ve witnessed the intertwining of electronic music with mainstream music festivals like Coachella and Bonnaroo. Additionally we’ve seen it progress into new genres like “dubstep” and “mashup”. Picking up on this, Lights All Night decided to go with a similar theme to last year but have enlisted some of the top DJs on the globe.

Headlining Friday, December 30th is none other

than international superstar Tiesto. One of the kings of melodic trance, DJ Tiesto began taking things to a much grander scale a decade ago, performing in front of tens of thousands of people in stadiums as opposed to small clubs or fields that are usually associated with the “rave” scene. Joining the bill is the hugely popular Benny Benassi.

Check out any of the major festival lineups in the world and you’ll often find Benny’s name. Actually listen to him and you’ll see just why it’s virtually impossible to not stomp your feet and shake your hips as he spins the night away. Other major cats on the bill include Laidback Luke, Diplo, and RJD2. Keep in mind that there will be multiple stages so picking your poison amongst varying dance music styles will be as fluid as ever.

As killer as that all sounds, that’s just the warmup. Mr. Keller promised us that this NYE would be “even bigger and better” this go around. While last year seems hard to top, just examining the paper for it all I can now see where he is coming from. The last few years have been quite a wild ride for Gregg Gillis aka Girl Talk.

Following in the footsteps of Z-Trip, Gillis developed the mashup craft to perfection and took it to a whole ‘nother level, selling out everywhere he goes. If hot and sweaty, hip-hop and classic rock and wicked sampling with out of control dancing is your thing then you’re in business. Also making a triumphant return to Dallas will be Austin’s favorite duo and last year’s explosive headliner, Ghostland Observatory. Enough said. MSTRKRFT and Denton’s own Neon Indian will also be doing their thing along with a whole host of others. This is just a handful of the artists that will be throwing it down and more acts will be announced. Do yourself and those you love a favor and get more info at www.lightsallnight.com If history repeats itself it will once again be one for the ages.

A Clockwork Orange Inwood Theater – Dallas Thought midnight movies were only for the weekend? Think again. The film based on the Anthony Burgess novel comes to life under director Stanley Kubrick. Follow the “droogs”.

9/6

By Johnny Blaze Twitter me: @johnnyblaze360

Kid Rock with Sheryl Crow Gexa Energy Pavilion – Dallas Kid Rock returns to the metroplex with his friend Sheryl Crow. You know all of his old stuff but now you need to learn his new releases. A show not to be missed!

Sevendust Trees – Dallas Spend a night enjoying the music of Sevendust as they bring mayhem to Dallas. Opening bands include Blacktide, Hell Or High Water and Suicide Hook. Earplugs might be needed.

If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com

6 August 31 - September 6, 2011

Cowboys News

CAMP Winding Down

By Jay Betsill Twitter me: @THEFAMOUSJAY

Week Three of the NFL Preseason is in the books and the Dallas Cowboys defeated the Minnesota Vikings last Saturday night 23-17. “It’s been a good preseason and a really good training camp.

I think our team is coming along,” according to Tony Romo. Here are some important news and notes to be aware of as the team prepares for the regular season with their September 11 game against the New York Jets.

ANDRE GURODE RELEASED The Cowboys were unable to reach an agreement on a re-structured contract with the five-time Pro Bowl center leading to his release on August 29.

For all intents and purposes, this completes a massive overhaul of the offensive line that started after the lockout ended when the team said goodbye to right tackle Marc Colombo and right guard Leonard Davis. Gurode, who joined the Cowboys in 2002, was the longest tenured member of America’s Team.

MARTELLUS BENNETT INJURED Cowboys backup tight end Martellus Bennett has a high ankle sprain that will keep him in the training room for 2-4 weeks. This means he will most likely miss the season opener on September 11 on the road against the New York Jets. The third-year tight end out of Texas A&M has 68 catches for 702 yards and four touchdowns since the Cowboys made him their second-round pick. Bennett is in the last year of his contract.

KICKING COMPETITION STILL OPEN “It was good to see our kickers get some work,” coach Jason Garrett said. “You want to see them out there in live action and see if they can take the work they’re doing on the practice field to the game field.”

Recently signed Shayne Graham connected on a 38-yard field goal Saturday night against the Vikings at Mall of America field. Rookie Dan Bailey made kicks from 37 and 41 yards. Returning kicker David Buehler -- who only made 75 percent of his field-goal tries a year ago --- is out with a hip flexor. With a roster cut looming, Buehler’s job is more in jeopardy with each passing day.

RUNNING BACKS SET The Cowboys running game flourished against the Vikings, gaining 117 yards on the ground. Felix Jones had a fiveyard touchdown run. More importantly, Tashard Choice and DeMarco Murray returned from injuries. Choice had 14 yards on three carries, but had two long runs called back because of penalties.

Murray had missed close to three weeks of training camp recovering from a hamstring injury that he suffered during the NFL lockout. The rookie out of Oklahoma led the team in rushing against the Vikings with seven carries for 32 yards.

August 31 - September 6, 2011 7

RANGERS News

Pitching in Question

By Mark Miller mmiller@blitzweekly.com

While Manager Ron Washington and his Texas Rangers publicly aren’t concerned, the rest of us have to wonder what’s recently happened to the team’s starting pitching. Dating back to the last game of the previous week, each member of the Rangers’ rotation yielded at least five runs with Colby Lewis doing it twice. Yet, the Rangers entered this week three games ahead of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim after Sunday’s come-from-behind 9-5 victory. That victory gave Texas a 3-4 record for the week.

What the starters did last week was most surprising as they have been among the American League leaders all season. But here are last week’s numbers:

NCAA: UNLV vs.

Rejoice for the college football season begins tonight! UNLV will be led by QB Caleb Herring and a stable of running backs with their new offense. The o-line is young and will learn some lessons. The UNLV defense gave up 40+ points in games last season. Badger RB Monte Ball will carry the load and WR Nick Toon returns. The Badger defense should perform well in this one.

MLB: Rangers vs. Red Sox Fri. September 2 – 6:10PM – Fenway Park – KTXA 21

The first of a six game road trip takes the Rangers to Boston for a battle between division leaders.

This could be a postseason preview. The Rangers are riding high after taking two of three from the Angels. Pitching is a concern as of late. The Red Sox will have just finished a series with the Yankees and might be emotionally drained.

Aug. 21 Derek Holland, 3 1/3 innings pitched, 5 runs, 8 hits, L 10-0 Aug. 23 Colby Lewis, 6 IP, 7 R, 9 H, L 11-5 Aug. 24 Matt Harrison, 5 IP, 7 R, 11 H, L 13-2 Aug. 25 Alexi Ogando, 4 IP, 6 R, 6 H, L 6-0 Aug. 27 C.J. Wilson, 5 IP, 6 R, 10 H, L 8-4 Aug. 28 Lewis, 6 IP, 5 R, 8 H, W 9-5 Wilson did shut out the Boston Red Sox on just four hits over 6 2/3 innings in a 4-0 victory Monday while Holland came back to yield just one run on eight hits over the same distance in an 11-7 win against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim on Friday.

“We have a ton of faith in our starters,” Michael Young said Saturday. “We’re here because of them. I’m not worried about our starting pitchers at all.”

Home runs were a major reason for starters’ problems. Former Ranger Adrian Gonzalez had five in the final three games against the Red Sox and Wilson yielded five in Saturday’s loss to the Angels after giving up just two in June, July and August before that.

The only pitchers who didn’t give up any runs last week were relievers Scott Feldman with two hits in four innings; Mike Adams with one hit in three innings and Neftali Feliz had no hits in three innings. Feldman’s performance helped earn him a spot start Tuesday against the Tampa Bay Rays in place of Harrison who will pitch again September 4 at Boston.

If he pitches well, don’t be surprised if Feldman spot starts others in September especially the 24-year-old Holland and 27-year-old Ogando in addition to the 25-year-old Harrison.

“When you are young, you have inconsistency,” Washington said after Harrison’s outing. “I’m not going to get into the tired part but when you are young you will get some inconsistency.” If the poor pitching was just a one-week thing, the Rangers and their fans have nothing to worry

Wisconsin

(11)

Thu. September 1 – 7:00PM – Camp Randall Stadium – ESPN

NCAA:

Oregon vs.

(3)

LSU

(4)

Sat. September 3 – 7:00PM – Cowboy Stadium – ABC

The first “big” game of the season occurs the first weekend of the new college football season. Oregon fresh off of their BCS title game appearance are back for more. Their fast paced offense will be led by Heisman hopeful LaMichael James. They have some youngsters starting on the offensive line. LSU has had to deal with some off the field issues and will need to stay focused if they’re going to win.

about. If it continues into September, there could be a division race until the end.

Boston, Tampa on Tap Following Wednesday’s home stand finale against the Rays, the Rangers go to Boston for three games this weekend and to Tampa for three days starting Monday. The games will mark the final road trips outside the American League West for the Rangers. Boston left Texas in first place in the American League East and led the New York Yankees by two games entering this week. Meanwhile the Rays, thought to be out of the race a week ago, went 8-3 before this week to move back into contention.

Upcoming Schedule: 8/31 Rays 7:05 p.m.

9/1 Rays 7:05 p.m.

9/2 @Red Sox 6:10 p.m.

9/3 @Red Sox 6:10 p.m.

9/4 @Red Sox 12:35 p.m.

9/5 @Rays 12:10 p.m.

9/6 @Rays 6:10 p.m. for more local Sports news visit our website at: www.Blitzweekly.com

NASCAR: Advocare 500 Sun. Sept. 4 – 6:30PM – Atlanta Motor Speedway – ESPN

It’s time for 325 laps of intense racing as drivers gear up for the “Chase”. This is the race where Richard Petty became the first stock car driver to reach $1 million in career earnings back in 1971.

Tony Stewart won it last year while Kurt Busch has won two of the last four races in Atlanta.

Dallas Polo Club

L E A R N T O P L AY P O L O NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG

C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1

8

August 31 - September 6, 2011

By Tony Brumangen tbrumagen@blitzweekly.com

The Froggies were college football’s Cinderella story in 2010, amassing a 12-0 regular season record and then capping the dream season with a program-defining win over Wisconsin in the grand old Rose Bowl. Coach Gary Patterson has built this program around defense. How well that unit can handle a handful of important departures will determine how far this team can go in 2011.

Running Backs Lead Offense With QB Andy Dalton departing for the NFL, highly touted Casey Pachall will be charged with filling Dalton’s over-sized shoes. Pachall will surprise many with his playing skills that could ultimately exceed Dalton’s. But matching Dalton’s

By Tommy Smith tsmith@blitzweekly.com

Expectations are extremely high on the Hilltop this fall as the SMU football program looks to proclaim itself reborn. The Ponies are working towards a third straight bowl appearance and a Conference USA Championship this season. SMU won the Western Division of C-USA last season and fell short in the Conference championship game to UCF 17-7. The Mustangs hosted Army in the Armed Forces Bowl at Ford Stadium but came up just shy 16-14 to the Black Nights. Preseason accolades and predictions have the Ponies continuing their resurgence in 2011.

SHOTS OF PADRON The Allstate Sugar Bowl announced SMU ju-

nior QB Kyle Padron has been named to the 2011 Manning Award Watch List. Padron, from Southlake, started all 14 games last season and was named All-Conference USA honorable mention in 2010. He notched SMU records in passing yards (3,828), total yards (4,072), touchdowns (31), completions (302) and attempts (508) and passed for over 300 yards six times. Returning to the offense along with Padron are big offensive lineman Kelvin Beachum and Blake McJunkin, running back Zach Line, and wide receivers Cole Beasly and Darius Johnson. With June Jones entering his fourth season as head coach look for this year’s offense to try to put up numbers like his old Hawaii teams did after the turn of the century.

Padron was also named to the Davey O’Brien National Quarterback Award Watch List.

By Frank LaCosta flacosta@blitzweekly.com

The Mean Green received a breath of fresh air with the addition of new head coach Dan McCarney. A new stadium helps too and it will welcome fans and students on September 10 for the home opener against the Houston Cougars. Mean Green players could be rejuvenated which would lead to more than three victories in a season for the first time prior to 2004.

Dunbar The Great With so much uncertainty at quarterback, Senior running back Lance Dunbar will be the go-to player for the Mean Green offense. He has rushed for over 3,000 yards in his career and is a quality receiver out of the backfield. Injuries wrecked

leadership will prove a taunting task for Pachall.

The running back position will be the strength of this unit with returning star Ed Wesley, who rushed for 1,078 yards in 2010, leading a full house that includes UCLA transfer Andre Dean, redshirt freshman Dwight Smith, and two returning studs from 2010, Matthew Tucker and Waymon James.

Pachall will have plenty of receivers to throw to, with playmakers Josh Boyce, Antoine Hicks and Skye Dawson running wild on the perimeter. Senior Logan Brock and Corey Fuller provide big targets for the short game at tight end. With All Americans Marcus Cannon and Jake Kirkpatrick gone, re-tooling the offensive line will be the biggest challenge for this unit. Senior guard Kyle Dooley is the only returning starter to a line that allowed just nine sacks in thirteen contests last season.

Meet Tank Carder This is Linebacker Tank Carder’s time to lead.

He heads up an entirely intact linebacking core, along with returning starter Tanner Brock. These two players are at the heart of defensive coordinator Dick Bumpas’ 4-2-5 scheme. The defensive line should be strong, assuming senior Braylon Broughton finally lives up to expectations and sophomore Stansly Maponga can follow up a successful 2010. The secondary will be the key.

Senior Greg McCoy returns at corner, but safeties Sam Carter and Johnny Fobbs will be first time starters. Senior Tekerrein Cuba started five games at weak safety in 2010, and will need to perform well in that role for the defense to succeed in 2011.

EXPERIENCE ON DEFENSE SMU returns eight starters on defense and should be strong up the on the corners with defensive ends Taylor Thompson and Margus Hunt who is from Estonia by the way… Ja’Gared Davis returns at linebacker and was named preseason All Conference USA. Chris Banjo is the elder statesman in the secondary who will look to make a name for itself this season.

In all, this should be a fascinating season of Mustang football. Rumors are flying of the Ponies desire to join the Big 12. Will June Jones desire to call Dallas home continue long after this season?

Can SMU continue to ascend from the grave? It all starts September 4th against Texas A&M.

chemistry last season for the offense. This season three offensive linemen return and that experience will prove beneficial. The team has two reliable wide outs returning as well. Darius Carey led the team in receiving yards and touchdowns last season. If rapport can be built and the Mean Green can avoid the injury bug look for a possible six win season and bowl appearance. That would be a platform for McCarney to build on for the long haul.

Defense, Where Art Thou?

If the offense was ineffective due to injuries last season then the defense simply did not live up to expectations. This season everything starts with a defensive line that needs to make more plays.

North Texas was one of the worst teams in the country when it came to tackles for loss. Look for

ends K.C. Obi and Brandon Akpunku to improve their sack totals this season. Linebackers Jeremy Phillips and Zach Orr made plenty of plays last season and one of them needs to step up as leader for this unit. The secondary should perform better this season since they gained valuable experience last season. Lastly special teams is a strength of the Mean Green. The kicking game is strong with reliable kicker Zach Olen and punter Will Atterberry. On occasion look for Lance Dunbar to make a big return.

New season, new coach, new stadium and a new life seem to be the recurring theme for North Texas. Look for improvement but remain realistic and curb expectations. Dan McCarney brings a wealth of knowledge and experience but will it translate into wins? Only time will tell.

10 August 31 - September 6, 2011

Baylor Bears

Photos Courtesy: SD Dirk, Ryan Rescott, eagle102.net, Manny Flores, Matt Pearce, Darryl Briggs

The Bears ranked third in the Big 12 (and 13th in the country) in total offense, third in rushing, and fourth in passing yardage per game in ending a 16-year bowl drought.

But defense? That was another story. The Bears played like they figured the quickest way to get the ball back for their high-powered offense was to let the other team score. The Bears’ opponents averaged more than 30 points a game for the season, ranking ninth in the league in scoring defense, and surrendered 47 a game over their last four outings. Obviously, something had to be done on defense for 2011, and for coach Art Briles, that something was the hiring of Phil Bennett as defensive coordinator. Bennett spent the last three years at Pittsburgh, where his Panthers were eighth nationally in total defense last year. If Bennett can turnaround the defense, look for the Bears to achieve another bowl berth this season.

‘10 Record: 7-6 / Con. 4-4

Iowa State Cyclones

Kansas Jayhawks

The Cyclones believe they have enough pieces in place elsewhere on offense to help ease the new starting quarterback into things.

The offensive line is led by left tackle, Kelechi Osemele, a consensus first- or second-team All-American.

Sophomore Shontrelle Johnson will lead a stable of running backs expected to match, if not surpass, the production of last year’s starter Alexander Robinson. Also, if wideout Darius Reynolds can make plays like he did in the spring, the receiving corps will take a step forward.

The play of the defense could hinge on how successful the defensive line is. The coaches believe defensive end Jacob Lattimer, who came on strong in the second half of last season, could be the playmaker the line has lacked in recent years. The Cyclones will face one of the nation’s most grueling schedules in 2011. ISU will play 11 teams from BCS conferences. Nine of those teams made bowl games last season, including Oklahoma and Connecticut, who both made the Fiesta Bowl.

Although Kansas struggled to just one Big 12 victory in Turner Gill’s first season, there is no push to find only home patsies in non-conference play. A September 17 trip to Georgia Tech fulfills a two-year deal, which began with a stunning 28-25 upset win for the Jayhawks last season. Do not look for any such miracles on the road this year. Kansas will be hard-pressed to beat Northern Illinois the week prior. A bye is built into the schedule before Big 12 play begins.

The only thing the Cyclones appear to be lacking is a battle-tested quarterback and ISU hopes that doesn’t hold the program back from trying to make its second bowl game in three seasons. The three men battling for the starting spot—Jerome Tiller, Steele Jantz and Jared Barnett—will have had a month of practice to improve before the season starts. Each showed flashes of brilliance in the spring, but none ran away with the job.

‘10 Record: 5-7 / Con. 3-5

The Jayhawks struggled immensely last season leaving a 3-9 overall record and 1-7 conference record in its wake. They ranked last in the Big 12 in total offense. The Jayhawks’ only conference win was due to a Colorado meltdown that led to Dan Hawkins’ firing as it was the Jayhawks’ resolve.

The top returnee on offense is running back sophomore James Sims, who broke in and gained 742 yards last year as a true freshman. One of the best players Kansas redshirted, Brandon Bourbon, is a running back. So too is Darrian Miller, an incoming recruit who reported for spring camp and enters the fall as Sims’ backup.

If Kansas is to build any strength offensively, it could be a core of backfield talent plugging away behind an experienced line. Any consistency in the ground game can milk the clock, something the Jayhawks failed to do last season, and also make it easier on quarterbacks if they can avoid being so predictable in the passing game.

‘10 Record: 3-9 / Con. 1-7

Kansas State Wildcats

Although Snyder contends the 2011 team is the deepest he has assembled since returning as Kansas State coach in 2009, the Wildcats still have only 69 scholarship players, 16 fewer than the NCAA limit. The thinnest position group is probably the defensive line, though some players recruited at those spots will report for the first time at fall camp.

Any time the Wildcats needed some kind of miracle on offense last season, it was usually triggered by RB Daniel Thomas, who was adept in the Wildcat formation at creating almost anything.

He’s gone. Bryce Brown, a Tennessee transfer, will assume the role as their top ground threat. While he doesn’t promise to be as versatile as Thomas, Brown appears more capable of long bursts as long as a revamped offensive line continues to pop open holes for the run game. Kansas State needs that part of the attack to succeed to play keep-away from numerous and potent offenses in the Big 12.

Overhauling a defense that permitted the most rushing yards of any team in the country last season is job one. Talent was an issue, but so was proper technique to make tackles. The Wildcats simply looked poor fundamentally.

Snyder has actually stood up for his returning defenders, something quite unusual for a critical coach, so it is even more critical that his staff makes the right adjustments and teaches proper form. The addition of Miami transfer Arthur Brown (Bryce’s brother) should greatly boost an undersized linebacking corps. Expectations aren’t particularly high this year with the Big 12 cutting out divisions and adapting a round-robin format. Picked eighth, the Wildcats must improve dramatically on defense to make any noise.

‘10 Record: 7-6 / Con. 3-5

Missouri Tigers

Redshirt freshman QB Tyler Gabbert left Missouri in May, with Louisville as his destination, meaning the job has been handed to sophomore James Franklin, a dual-threat quarterback from Corinth, Texas.

Franklin ran for more than 2,400 yards in his last two years at Lake Dallas High School.

But, for all the accolades about his speed and rushing ability, Missouri’s offense continues to be an attack that is predicated on the passing game. There are more question marks surrounding the team, however, but it has nothing to do with Missouri’s starters or projected position battles. It’s the first year of the new-look Big 12, with its 10 teams playing each other in a nine-game conference schedule that league officials are dubbing a “round robin.”

Since 2006, Missouri found itself consistently near the top of the Big 12 North before faltering to Big 12 South teams. With no more divisions, can the Tigers stand up to the conference gauntlet with a talented but unproven QB? We shall see.

‘10 Record: 10-3 / Con. 6-2

August 31 - September 6, 2011 11

Oklahoma Sooners

Oklahoma returns 18 starters from a team that won 12 games last season, including a 48-20 romp over UConn in the Fiesta Bowl. The explosive offense is led by returning junior quarterback Landry Jones who is one of the favorites for the Heisman Trophy. Jones threw for 4,718 yards, with 37 touchdowns and 12 interceptions last year in 14 games. Jones has an immensely talented group of receivers led

by Oklahoma’s all time leading receiver and all-conference player Ryan Broyles. If Jones does have a weakness it is looking only to his top targets and he tends to throw some careless interceptions because of it.

The schedule is difficult but manageable.

The Sooners will be tested with a trip to Ta l l a h a s s e e to take on Florida State in their second game of the season. In conference, the Sooners get Missouri and Texas A&M at home, the two teams that beat them last season. Of course the two biggest games on the schedule are against Texas in Dallas and Oklahoma State in Stillwater. The Sooners have a great shot of running the table with that schedule.

If the end of this season doesn’t include the prize of a national championship trophy, it will likely feel like failure to the program and the Sooner Nation.

Oklahoma St. Cowboys

The nation’s best pass-and-catch combination is back wearing a Cowboys’ uniform in 2011 with QB Brandon Weeden and widereceiver Justin Blackmon, last year’s Biletnikoff Award winner as the college football’s top receiver.

The Cowboys’ 11 wins a year ago were the most in program history.

The potential stumbling block for this team is the conference’s most difficult road schedule, with games at Texas A&M early in the season and at Texas and Missouri on back-to-back weekends.

The Pokes weakness is on defense where they struggle to stop anyone. Expect a lot of shootouts with such an explosive offense and a friendly defense. The Pokes do have Oklahoma at home for Bedlam in their final game, but any league losses prior to that could prove fatal for their title hopes.

Expect 10 or 11 wins and a high profile bowl berth.

Texas Longhorns

The disappointing 2010 season saw the Longhorns finish 5-7 and missing a bowl for the first time since 1997, the year before coach Mack Brown took over the program. Needless to say there were some angry Longhorn fans and boosters that were calling for Brown’s head, despite the fact that the Longhorns played for the National Championship only the year before.

The problem with the Longhorns were turnovers. In their five wins last year, they were +3 in turnovers, but in 7 losses they were -12. Quarterback Garrett Gilbert was inconsistent last year with 17 picks and only 10 touchdowns. He was named the team’s starter on Monday. Case McCoy, the brother of Longhorn legend Colt McCoy will be the back up.

Texas battled some significant injuries last year especially on the offensive line. If Gilbert can protect the ball better, look for the ‘Horns to have a bounce back season and go to a high profile bowl, maybe not a BCS game but they shouldn’t miss post-season play. There is no doubt Gilbert will be on a short leash.

If he starts to struggle, Mack Brown will not hesitate to play McCoy. The schedule includes home games against BYU, Oklahoma State, Texas Tech, plus the neutral site game in Dallas against archrival Oklahoma. The Longhorns have road games against UCLA, Missouri, and Texas A&M scheduled.

Texas A&M Aggies

It might be the Aggies’ final season in the conference and it looks like they are going out with a bang.

Texas A&M returns 18 starters including quarterback Ryan Tannehill and stud running back Cyrus Grey along with his top six receivers.

The team was riding a hot streak at the end of last season winning and covering their last six games in the regular season before sputtering out (41-24) to LSU in the Cotton Bowl after Tannehill took over for the unproductive Jarrod Johnson.

Coach Mike Sherman has the Aggies loaded and they should compete for the conference title and perhaps a BCS bowl bid.

Texas Tech Red Raiders

With the numbers the way they were for 2010, it shouldn’t be all that surprising that beefing up the defense is a priority at Texas Tech.

The Red Raiders last year ranked 114th out of 120 FBS teams in total defense, were 93rd in scoring defense and 118th in pass defense. But to get to the next level, there’s no doubt the defense is going to have to improve, especially in the secondary. To that end, the Red Raiders are going to a base 4-2-5 scheme. With the defense so fragile, that puts more pressure on the offense produce, and the good news there is that the Red Raiders return all five starters in the offensive line, get back three receivers who had at least 30 catches last year, and look to have depth at running back.

The Red Raiders have the chance to get off to a fast start with non-conference games against Texas State, New Mexico, and Nevada to start the season. New Mexico is the only real test on the road in the span. The one thing coach Tommy Tuberville doesn’t like is an open date on September 10. Getting it that early means the Red Raiders will have games on 11 consecutive Saturdays, including nine consecutive conference outings starting with Kansas on October 1.

The schedule includes a tough non-conference game against Arkansas in Dallas. The conference slate includes home games against Oklahoma State, Missouri, and Texas, and road games at Texas Tech and Oklahoma. The November 5th showdown at Oklahoma might decide the conference title.

By Geoff Case gcase@blitzweekly.com

‘10 Record: 12-2 / Con. 6-2

‘10 Record: 11-2 / Con. 6-2

‘10 Record: 5-7 / Con. 2-6

‘10 Record: 9-4 / Con. 6-2

‘10 Record: 8-5 / Con. 3-5

14 August 31 - September 6, 2011

Nuevo Leon Mex-Mex Restaurant

By Judy Chamberlain jchamberlain@blitzweekly.com

They took the Tex out of the Tex-Mex…real MexMex in Dallas…

Nuevo Leon, a charming bastion of old-fashioned hospitality in a nondescript suburban strip mall on Josey Lane in Farmers Branch serves excellent tacos, enchiladas, fajitas, refried beans, Mexican rice, chicken mole and chile rellenos.

The food isn’t greasy, and there are many excellent variations on salsas and sauces that aren’t necessarily part of the flavors coming out of kitchens in the plethora of Hispanic

cuisines that abound all over the DFW Metroplex.

Nuevo Leon, one immediately realizes, is a very different Mexican restaurant for Dallas. For one thing, it’s not TexMex. The restaurant features authentic dishes from Guanajuato in the south and Monterrey in the northeast and a very basic décor. Artwork on the walls consists mostly of pictures of 1940’s Mexican self-portrait painter Frida Kahlo, once the wife of famed muralist Diego Rivera, and there are some tables and chairs in two cozy, contiguous dining rooms. That’s it.

The first time I dined at Nuevo Leon it was actually take-out – and I was lucky to get it. The restaurant had just closed for the night, but a helpful waiter who answered the phone when I called from a few miles away said he’d put up an order to go - which he cheerfully did, adding the extra salsas I’d requested. Subsequent visits to Nuevo Leon have been graced by the same warm hospitality each time.

For some reason, in the great Dallas Tex-Mex vs. Mex-Mex debate, everybody seems to weigh in differently on the subject of mole.

I’ve been told by a few local “foodies” that they feel mole is a low-end preparation not worthy of being served on Tex-Mex menus, which makes no sense to me at all, as Tex-Mex isn’t nearly as upscale as Mex-Mex. I think a good chicken mole, prepared wonderfully, is pretty gourmetworthy and mostly superior to the Tex-Mex style.

The chicken mole enchiladas at Nuevo Leon are delicious - and a good value, as well.

Pork in mild chipotle sauce is another winner; enjoy it with a salad redolent of house-made cilan-

tro dressing.

Everyone loves fresh brisket tacos, and Nuevo Leon’s do not disappoint - nor does their version of Caesar salad with red and yellow peppers, chicken and garlic croutons.

Caesar salad, by the way, is a Mexican invention, said to have been prepared in 1924 by Caesar Cardini, an Italian immigrant who lived in San Diego but worked in Tijuana in order to avoid the restrictions of Prohibition. Julia Child once claimed to have eaten a Caesar salad at Cardini’s restaurant as a child in the 1920’s.

Who else tells you these things?

So we’ve established that the food at Nuevo Leon is good, the service is first-rate and on top of all that, they serve a $5 lunch menu weekdays from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Entrees include tamales, enchiladas, tacos, a chicken combo plate, flau-

tas, chalupas, a beef combo plate, cheese combo plate and bowls of tortilla soup. Mix and match!

For dessert, there’s wonderful, decidedly upscale flan.

The popular Nuevo Leon is Zagat rated – no mean feat for a modest establishment that is completely off the beaten path in a location there’s no reason to find unless one is specifically looking for the restaurant.

This is not rocket science, but someone in the kitchen certainly knows what they’re doing.

Nuevo Leon Mex-Mex Restaurant 12896 Valley View Lane, Suite 100 Farmers Branch, TX 75234 PH: (972) 488-1984 www.nuevoleonmexmex.com L & D, 11-9:00 M-Thurs.

11-9:30 F-Sat, Closed Sun

find more Restaurant Reviews on our website at: www.Blitzweekly.com

August 31 - September 6, 2011 15

JBL MS-2 Pocket Digital Processor

Looking to get the best possible sound out of your iPod, iPhone, or whatever it is you use for on-the-go audio? Before you plug it into your car or home stereo, run it though the JBL MS-2 Pocket Digital Processor. This pint-sized processor uses DSP to optimize the sound for the acoustic characteristics or your speakers and listening area, improving clarity and stereo imaging. (Price - $200)

The Cave Tent

A tent is only as good as its frame, and unfortunately that means most solid structures also require a lengthy setup process — but not so with The Cave Tent. Built around an Inflatable Diamond Grid airframe made up of five modular, doublelayer air beams that inflate in less than a minute, the Cave offers incredible durability, and also features an outer tent of waterproof polyester, and inner tent made from light, breathable water-resistant nylon, a non-see-through mosquito net, a robust ground sheet made from waterproof polyester, multiple sown-in bags for gear, and enough room for 2-3 humans inside. (Price - $670)

Adidas Adipure Trainer

Most so-called “barefoot” running shoes are designed for use in that most natural of environments: nature. The Adidas Adipure Trainer acknowledges that for those of us in less-than-perfect climates, we have no choice but to train indoors. As such, it’s designed for use at the gym, with an independent toe separation design and quarter-inch profile, allowing for natural movement of your foot, strengthening rarely-used muscles while improving balance, agility, and speed. (Price - $90)

Class Warfare: Notes from the Trenches

W

ith the income gap increasing in America the topic of income brackets in conversation might not be the best ice-breaker. I found myself in such a conversation recently when I ran into an acquaintance at a local pub. Within the first 10 seconds of speaking to him he offered the following information about himself: he was currently living in San Francisco, was getting married, and worked as the art director for Google. Still, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn’t make the assumption that he was another soulless yuppie, until he made the comment about how great it was that such a college town is cheap enough for starving artists to scrape by.

He assumed I was a starving artist, so I could now confirm my assumptions that he was a soulless yuppie, coupled with the fact that we all know that he can retire off Google stock options in a few years and that he didn’t find it necessary to even ask what I write about. I can picture him from his Bay view condo exclaiming, “Isn’t that just adorable? All those fledgling peasants making their little paintings and writing articles.”

Rich people, especially the well-accomplished ones, probably worked really hard to get where they are, and I respect that. But still, I just ask that they possess a little grace, at least for the sake of gaining social capital. I don’t even mind if they flaunt their wealth. Please, drive BMWs if that’s what you want to spend your money on. You worked for it, and perhaps even sold your soul or missed your 90-year-old grandmother’s birthday to be able to afford it. But please keep in mind that if you drive around in a flashy, pretentious car you better be buying dinner.

Still, it got me thinking about the concept of success. On paper and based on money, the CEO of BP is very successful, but the oil spill was devastating to communities and the environment. The workaholic who works 120+ a week may be successful based on his income and condo fees, but he hasn’t had a

By Jesse Whitman jwhitman00@gmail.com

vacation in 10 years and lives off Diet Coke and cigarettes. And then there’s Van Gogh who died penniless in the gutter but is considered one of the most talented artists of all time.

While hard work and savvy business sense should not go unnoticed, the world would be a boring place without starving artists. A sea of rich people waters down the culture, a trend that is becoming apparent in more and more cities and neighborhoods and ever-increasing with the widening income gap. Even though the American Protestant work ethic frowns upon these so-called free spirits, the world would be very dreary without them, and their survival through the centuries is a success in itself.

16 August 31 - September 6, 2011

By Geoff Case gcase@blitzweekly.com

Everybody has got a couple of them in their circle of friends. Schmucks, Stragglers and Squatters. The guy who “forgets” to pony up their money for fantasy football. Usually this common case of amnesia is brought on by a key injury in his line-up that puts his entire season in the toilet. It’s a vicious cycle that has gone on for far too long. How many times must you throw your hard earned money into the ring with these clowns knowing full well that they won’t pay? Sure, they might have been buddies with the commish since they were seven but you didn’t forge any magical childhood memories with this jack wagon that absolves him of responsibility. Why should he get a free pass on your dollar every year? Fantasy Football has been going on in everybody’s lives for more than a decade now.

It’s no longer something that we throw together on a whim. It’s a guaranteed event, just like the annual Thanksgiving nut-punch with the in-laws. People know every year they are going to play fantasy football and need to start budgeting for it.

The blame shouldn’t just fall on one side of the fence.

When you pay your annual dues for a fantasy league, what happens to that money? Is your commissioner almost too happy to accept cash from you?

Does he make a comment about how he can make his rent now? Does he mumble something about a gift for his future ex-girlfriend? Or maybe he goes straight to the bar, using one of your singles to buy himself a gin and tonic.

Worse yet, when the league does actually pay prizes, he probably pays out less money than the winner is expecting, using an excuse of “Well, a couple guys didn’t pay their friggin’ dues this year, so the prize money is less.”

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar to you? They shouldn’t, but you know they do. They happen all the time. Commissioners are imperfect people with good intentions (or sometimes horrible people with nefarious intentions) who can (and do) make mistakes and poor decisions. People get away without paying in for the year and commissioners get away with cashing out less than they take in, as well as paying in an untimely fashion. Not cool. After all, it was you who spent four hours predicting the usage rate for Maurice JonesDrew at two o’clock in the morning. Believe it or not, people put real time and effort into fantasy football every season and should be fully compensated for a job well done. There has got to be some level of transparency in Fantasy Football payouts.

The Solution Whenever we’ve got a problem in America we always seem to go searching for some magical website or iPhone app that can make it all better… and that’s exactly what I did.

The commissioner’s job can be made much, MUCH simpler (not to mention more transparent and trustworthy) with the help of an online dues service. I logged onto this Dallas based website called Crowdtilt.com and it’s everything you need. It’s got a Kickstarter like campaign page that displays everything. Also, there is no need to sign up if you’ve got a Facebook account, which is a huge plus. (I’ve already got more passwords than the Underground Railroad) It displays your profile picture on the bottom of the page when you contribute and a sly comment box so you can rank the hotness of the girlfriends of those who haven’t paid yet. Set a deadline, send out the link, and forget about it.

Pretty straight forward.

No longer can commissioners and squatters hide behind a veil of secrecy. It’s time we take technology by the hand and use it to extend a middle finger to these folks. In these tough economic times I’m finally taking a stand, we shouldn’t let these people keep getting a free shot at collecting our money. This season, there needs to be a little Joe Pesci in all of us.

F—you, pay me.

Trees

By Tommy Smith comments@blitzweekly.com

Big Anniversary was a

Blowout

Having seen numerous shows at Trees back in the 90’s, it had been years since I had visited Deep Ellum. I was looking forward to catching up with a place that was so much a part of my entertainment scene for a good ten years. We were soon to be reacquainted. I knew I was in for a late night that was going to take some pace so I agreed to start off the evening with a little sushi with some friends in Plano. Note to self: Next time, make plans that do not involve criss-crossing the metroplex in a few short hours. Of course I pushed it and did not leave dinner until 10:30 so I had to hustle to get downtown in about thirty minutes. Just as I paid the valet and headed south on the tollway I heard a loud boom and the rattle of rubber hitting my wheel well. Great! I have a flat tire in 95 degree heat at night running late to the show!

I spent the next hour on the side of the road waiting for roadside assistance to come put my spare on. I did not want to get soiled on my way to Trees and an officer who stopped by to see that I was ok suggested I move my car to a safe location and call for help. After waiting for said help for an hour I received a call informing me that my assistance would not able to make it out and another service would have to be called therefore leaving me stranded for another 30 minutes to an hour. I began to think there was no way I was going to make it to Trees by 12:30 to catch Drowning Pool. Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I see a mini-van making a u-turn at the intersection as a voice called out to assist. Then I experienced a tremendous act of kindness as a young man offered to change my tire saving me time and clothing explaining it was almost like his “job”. He was accompanied by his girlfriend and they told me they were on a date. Go figure, they mentioned they had just seen “X-Men”!

After hearing a bit about the Church of Latter Day Saints, I slipped $20 bucks into his pocket and was on my way to catch what was left of the show.

Tired, hot and frustrated I was fortunate enough to get a good parking spot at 1:15am. As I made my way to Trees I immediately noticed the familiar roar coming from the big green garage door. I started taking pictures as soon as I walked in. The crowd was jamming as Drowning Pool was on the backside of an intense set. Being that Drowning Pool is from Dallas there was a good mix of old and young as the band has a large following here and it showed Friday night. It appeared as though lead singer Ryan McCombs was struggling with exhaustion and called on his close family members and friends in the audience to help him through the last two songs. That did not seem to be a problem for the audience who sang in step with McCombs. In a pseudoencore the band belted out “Bodies” as the crowd gave all they could to get McCombs through the show. The roof just about blew off the place when the song began and the intensity remained as each band member took a bow. The show left both Drowning Pool and Trees diehards leaving happy. Next time I will grab some food in the area.

Let us know what you think about this article or to find more music news visit our website at: www.Blitzweekly.com

August 31 - September 6, 2011 17

HORRORSCOPES

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

FUNNIES

Your dream of becoming the new CEO at Apple comes to an end when you find out that they want someone with actual work experience.

Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?

A: She couldn’t figure out who the other mother was.

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You assume that you are truly enlightened when you believe that God has told to take Tim Tebow in the first round of your fantasy football draft.

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Things will turn weird this week when your new roommate requests that you not hide your habit of masturbating from him.

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

The holiday weekend will be hectic for you as you are informed that there will be no Jerry Lewis telethon this year!

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

“Hey douche bag! You’re going to happy a crappy weekend.” This paid message is brought to you by the Blitz Weekly.

(Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)

Things will not be looking up when you find out that your company has ended the current hiring freeze…for your replacement.

(Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)

You’ll spend all day Monday watching the Bachelor/ Bachelorette marathon. Will you accept this rose?

DOWN: 1. Basilica area 2. Wagers 3. Taverns 4. Arch type 5. Adolescents 6. Legislation 7. Beginning 8. Alleviate 9. Consider 10. Deprive 11. Aromatic compound 12. Warning 13. Profundity 18. Golf ball support 24. Average for a hole

25. Style 26. Male sheep (plural) 27. Elliptical 28. Assistant 29. Speedway 31. If not 33. Animal with a snout 34. Not closed 36. Threesome 37. Press laundry 38. Tins 42. The period when the king can’t govern 43. A large open vessel 45. Topic 47. Spy 48. Gossip 49. Wife-to-be 51. Be mistaken 52. Scattered seed 54. Medicine bottle 56. Fortuneteller 57. Tropical root 58. Wickedness 59. Anagram of “Leer” 62. East southeast

(Apr. 20 – May 20)

With tortilla chip in hand your hosts at the party are surprised to hear you ask, “Who moved my f*cking cheese?”

54. Animal doctor 55. A list of names 60. Arab chieftain 61. Plait 63. Acceptances 64. Cards with just one symbol 65. Strange 66. Tall woody plant 67. Stringed instrument 68. Humorous

(May 21 – Jun. 21)

Your weekend will be lost when you unsuccessfully attempt carbocide by wolfing down several KFC Double Down sandwiches.

ACROSS: 1. Monastery head 6. Burden 10. Not alive 14. Wampum 15. Backside 16. Part of an archipelago 17. Street smart 19. Stair 20. Ancient ascetic 21. Chewing or bubble 22. Saucy 23. Old photo color 25. Back and _____ 26. Engine sound 30. Cherubim 32. Pilot 35. Stretchy 39. Zany 40. A range of mountains 41. Pajamas with feet 43. Edition 44. Movie theater 46. Your male children 47. Pergola 50. Movable fence barriers 53. Expert

(Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)

Cheer up! You still have a lot of life ahead of you, even if all the good things happened to you years ago.

Native Son On the first day of kindergarten, the teacher asks each student to count to 50. Some count as high as 30 or 40; others can’t get past 20. But Johnny counts up to 100 without any mistakes. When he tells his dad how well he did, his dad says, “That’s because you’re from Alabama, son.”

The next day, the teacher asks the students to recite the alphabet. Most can only make it halfway through without trouble, but Johnny rattles off the letters perfectly. When he brags to his dad about how he did, his dad explains again, “That’s because you’re from Alabama, son.”

The next day, after phys ed, the boys are taking showers, and Johnny notices that he is better endowed than anyone else. That night he boasts, “Dad, mine’s the biggest of anyone in my class. Is it because I’m from Alabama?”

“No, son,” explains his dad. “That’s because you’re 22.”

Q: What is a specimen?

A: An Italian astronaut.

Q: What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

A: It may take me a while to get hard—I just got laid last night.

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You soon realize that the investment property you have in Tripoli will not be worth as much as thought it would be. Damn!

(Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)

Since you can’t be with the one you love, you’ll have to love the hand you’re with.

18 August 31 - September 6, 2011

All We Need Is Love (and beer)…

When I was going to college out of state my parents decided to buy a big plot of land north of McKinney. They envisioned horses grazing peacefully while they ate produce grown on their own land and sipped luxurious raw milk from cows they raised. What they got was a city slicker’s crash course in the reality of rural living. It only lasted for about two years and then they moved back to Dallas.

While they were living on this ranch I came home one exceptionally hot summer in a little - and I mean tiny - red car with no air conditioner. I waited tables and carted my teenage brothers around to their various jobs in the blinding heat.

They always asked to drive citing the lack of law enforcement in the boonies as the perfect excuse for me to be “the cool big sister” and let them behind the wheel. The red car was a piece of crap, but it was my piece of crap. So, I always said “no”.

We listened to all types of canned music imaginable over those months. If someone bought a new CD we’d drive all the way to the gas station just to listen to it.

One of those CDs was a promotional compilation from the Warped Tour and included the Bowling for Soup song, “Almost”. My brother Zaq was probably about 15 at the time and neck deep in the pop-punk-skater music club. I tolerated it, rather condescendingly, for the most part so he was shocked when I cranked the volume. “I thought you HATED this stuff!” he said incredulously. “Come on, man,” I retorted, “these are local guys. I’ve always loved them.” I explained I’d seen them several times including a Deep Ellum Live show where they opened for Bush.

Zaq just shook his bleach-blonde head.

The band was formed way back in 1994 in Wichita Falls and relocated to Denton after moderate success. They signed with Jive Records in 1998 and released Drunk Enough to Dance the same year. While I was on the East Coast dissecting poetry and memorizing the conjugations for French verbs they released

By Hannah Allen comments@blitzweekly.com

“Girl All the Bad Guys Want” as their single and suddenly everyone around me knew them. They were nominated for a Grammy and then released their follow up album, A Hangover You Don’t Deserve. That album propelled them to MTV stardom with the hit “1985”. Since then they have released several more albums and continued to tour but with less fuss.

When they ended their most recent tour at the Granada Theater last weekend I invited Zaq to come with me. Now in his 20s he played it cool until the opening band left the stage. Then he said, “Now I’m f*cking PUMPED!” Morphing for maybe just a moment into the bleachedblonde skater kid he was at 15. I realized then this was an experience he’d been waiting to have for almost ten years.

I always feel like you can gauge a lot about a performance by the number of songs performed before the lead singer addresses the crowd. This seems to be a good indicator of the energy and excitement. Lead singer Jaret Reddick didn’t get through the first song before beginning shout outs to Big D. When they played “Almost” as their second song Zaq went nuts. What followed were hysterical homages to their 80s hair metal idols of adolescence (think C.C. Deville’s literal guitar slinging), allusions to their drinking game “Whiskey Nipple”, irreverent albeit hilarious transitions and an audience thriving on their contagiously happy energy.

It was the most straight-up fun I’ve had at a rock show in years. The musical chops I wouldn’t compare to anyone - not because they aren’t talented, not because they don’t know what they’re doing but because you go to a Bowling for Soup show to see Bowling for Soup.

As we left the Granada Theater, ears ringing and all smiles, Zaq returned to his broad-shouldered-grown-up self but he did ask if he could drive my car home.

Let us know what you think about this article or to find more music news visit our website at: www.Blitzweekly.com

August 31 - September 6, 2011 19

lunatics and the only way we’ll ever be safe is if they’re terminated for good.

Then I realized the chink in the armor of my plan. If I cried pleas for justice to the authorities it’s more likely that a fleet of tinted-window black sedans wood circle around me like sharks on a wounded seal, and squirrel me away for safe keeping. I forget sometimes that reasonable thinking is a vicious liability in the grand scheme of things these days. But political correctness be damned! This is going too far…

Now get this. Some of the eggheads at the APA convention are actually pushing for “destigmatizing pedophilia…

By Dennis Hambright removing the stigma and having the pubwww.dennishambright.com lic stop demonizing pedophiles.”

When I first heard the news about what was going on at the What? Are you freaking kidding American Psychiatric Association’s (APA) conference up in me? I started looking at the medical Baltimore this month, my first instinct was to dial 911 and profession with a little less glimmer report that a horrible crime was being perpetrated. Surely, of admiration in my eyes a long I thought, criminal beasts had seized control of the conven- time ago, when I got a $600.00 bill tion center, filled the rooms with open cans of paint thinner, for a bottle of aspirin and a plassealed the windows shut and jammed wet towels under all tic bedpan when I was in the hosthe doors. The hair stood up on the back of my neck when pital, but this crap is way over the I imagined the horror of hordes of the unsuspecting cream- edge. Now these dimwits want to of-the-crop of the mental science community breathing the de-classify pedophilia as a mental deadly fumes until their brains were fried to the consistency disorder? Where will the madness of gnarled raisins. What else could possibly explain the stu- end? pidity that was spewing from the convention floor?

Yeah, I know, I like to climb up Send SWAT…quick! Hell, forget SWAT…send SEAL on my soap box sometimes and rant Team Six, still jacked and jazzed from double-tapping Bin a little. But nonsense like this deLaden to his just reward. Let them swoop down in stealth he- serves more than mere ranting. This licopters with orders for kill shots on the demented perpetra- calls for some foaming-at-the-mouth, tors so there’s no chance some slick lawyer can plead their rabid raving!!! innocence due to insanity. It’s obvious that they’re crazed I might not have an office wall covered with degrees smothered with so-called hallowed vines of ivy crawling all over them, but I’m certain that I’ve got a PhD in common sense that will trump the credentials of any moron who tries to sell me on the idea that pedophiles aren’t mentally sick freaks whose brain cells aren’t firing on all cylinders.

Hell, even hardcore convicts who know they deserve to spend their life locked up in a cage and kept away from the civilized masses, and wouldn’t give a second thought to hacking up a hitchhiker and wearing their skin like a prom dress, cringe at the horrid crimes committed by pedophiles. Just ask them, they’ll tell you that a pedophile deserves to be paraded around the prison yard in a lacy pinafore and auctioned off as a party favor. Not that I generally believe in encouraging criminal behavior, but I can’t say that I disagree.

Okay, I’ll admit it, maybe there are instances where criminal justice gets a little overzealous sometimes, and the good old Hanging Judge might slam his gavel down a little harshly, but when it comes to people who abuse kids, leniency is a word we need to forget. And to the socalled educated crowd, who think pedophiles deserve a break, let’s take a vote.

Which one of you wants to raise your hand and be the first to let them babysit your kiddos? Yeah, I didn’t think so. visit our website at: www.Blitzweekly.com