Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

VOL. 2 - ISSUE 22

School Staff Get Insulin Instead Of Swine Flu Shot

BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile / Movie Reviews 4 Blitz Music: Vampire Weekend 5 Pro Bowl & Mavs News 6 UNT / SMU / TCU Previews 7 NHL Ice Girls: Off the Ice 8 COVER STORY: NHL Ice Girls Preview Interview with Yvette 9 NHL Ice Girls 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Tammi 12 To Infinity and Beyond 13 Ma Ma Asian Cuisine 14 Blitz Toys 15 The Fan Top 10 with Sybil 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Urgent Breaking News 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jennifer Wayne CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER: Image By: Crystal Clear Media Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Robin Alam, Arnie Lee, Gregory Miller, Mark Shannon, Brandon Showers and Omar Vega PHOTOGRAPHERS Ronnie Baker, Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Manny Flores, Kent Gilley, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Andrew J. Hewett, Eric Kendall, Frank LaCosta, Jayson Larson, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Craig Smith, Joe Stumpo, Sybil Summers, Tennessee Chris, Jennifer Wayne and Jesse Whitman ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed SALES REPRESENTATIVES Edward Andrion, Johnny Horton and Patrick Marshall

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“All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity.” -- Gordie Howe

Man Tells Cops He Paid For Sex And Didn’t Get It

Police said a man and woman from New Hampshire are each facing prostitution charges after the man called police to say he’d paid for sex, but the woman then refused. WMUR-TV reported a 22-year-old woman and 32-year-old man were cited into court at a later date. Police said the man called Marlborough Police on Monday to say he’d paid the woman and a third party $150 to have sex with him on Sunday, but she wouldn’t follow through. Police said they’re still investigating the third party.

Burglar Handcuffs Himself

Lake County authorities say they have a serial car burglar in custody, one who shocked himself with a Taser and put himself in handcuffs. Shane Thomas Williams-Allen of Orlando was arrested this week on multiple burglary and grand-theft counts. The Lake County Sheriff’s Office said he may be linked to as many as nine car burglaries around Clermont and Minneola. One of the burglaries involved an unmarked Police car, the Sheriff’s Office said. Stolen from that car were a Taser, an expandable baton, handcuffs, a Glock handgun magazine, a digital camera and a digital recorder. Williams-Allen, 19, discharged the stolen Taser and shocked himself when he first discovered it, the investigation found. Last week, he accidentally locked himself up with the handcuffs and had to call authorities to set him free, according to his arrest report. Many of the other stolen items were recovered following his arrest. After Lake authorities took Williams-Allen into custody in Casselberry, they took him to McDonald’s because he said he was hungry.

Angry Man Kidnaps Snowball-Tossing Teen

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Wellesley school officials said several staff members at an elementary school had to be taken to the hospital after being injected with insulin rather than the swine flu vaccine. Superintendent Bella Wong said no students were ever in danger at Friday’s vaccine clinic for staff at Schofield Elementary School and all the people who got the wrong shot have recovered. Wong, in a letter to staff and parents Monday, said the insulin belonged to students with diabetes and was provided by their parents. Wong said in the letter that the school nurse who administered the insulin to staff has been placed on paid administrative leave pending an investigation. She did not give the nurse’s name.

Police said a prank turned potentially dangerous when a man angry about a snowball hitting his car allegedly pulled a knife on a group of youths and kidnapped one of them. No one was injured. Joshua Good, 25, was to be arraigned Monday in Superior Court on charges including first-degree kidnapping, threatening and reckless endangerment. The kidnapping charge carries 10 to 25 years in prison. Police said a group of youths were throwing snowballs near Colony Park Friday night when Good’s car was hit. Police say Good threatened the youths with a knife and forced a 13-year-old boy into his car. Authorities say Good drove the boy home and didn’t hurt him. Good posted $150,000 bail.

Andrew J. Hewett

www.chewednews.com

HERE’S WHERE THAT TERM CAME FROM “Ponzi Scheme,” used to describe any scam which pays early investors from investments made by later investors, was named after Charles Ponzi (18821949), one of the biggest swindlers in American history. After being charged with 86 counts of mail fraud and serving prison time, he was deported back to Italy in 1937, having earned $15 million, mostly from Italian immigrants. ONE WAY OR THE OTHER THE JOB GOT DONE In Cebu City, Philippines, Enrique Quinanola, 21, tried committing suicide by hanging himself, but friends cut the rope and took him to the hospital. Once there, while doctors prepared a sedative, Quinanola snuck away to a nearby restaurant and cut both his wrists with a steak knife. Next, police from the hospital tried to subdue him, but with no luck. During that struggle, though, one of the officer’s guns misfired and hit Quinanola in the chest. He died a few minutes later. (Lastly, relatives sued, claiming his civil liberties had been violated.) SOUNDS LIKE REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS For centuries, once a year, in the western state of Maharashtra, India, women would come down to a canal dividing their villages (Sukhed and Bor line) and, on cue, start shouting and insulting each other across the waterway. That tradition went back many years to when both villages had the same chief, who had two wives, one living on each side. (This annual event was canceled by the police in 1992.)

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE

BLITZREVIEWS By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com

Wa s t i n g o u r m o n ey s o yo u d o n ’t h a ve t o !

with Mel Gibson

by: Vivian Fullerlove

“Enterainment’s Real Critic”

I love Mel Gibson. His ability to laugh at himself during the recent Golden Globe Awards broadcast just reminded us why we love Mel. Yeah, he’s had some “issues” this past year or two, but hey, no one’s perfect! I loved him as Max (Mad Max), loved him as William Wallace (Braveheart), loved him as Martin Riggs (Lethal Weapon) and I love him in his new movie Edge of Darkness. It’s classic, kick-butt Mel Gibson. Gibson plays Thomas Craven, a veteran homicide detective for the Boston Police Department and a single father. When his only child, 24-year-old Emma, is murdered on the steps of his home, everyone assumes that he was the target. But he soon suspects otherwise, and embarks on a mission to find out about his daughter’s secret life and her killing. His investigation leads him into a dangerous looking-glass world of corporate cover-ups, government collusion and murder -- and to shadowy government operative Darius Jedburgh (Ray Winstone), who has been sent in to clean up the evidence. Craven’s solitary search for answers about his daughter’s death transforms into an odyssey of emotional discovery and redemption. We talked with Gibson about the film and about doing his own stunts at fifty-four.

“His ability to laugh at himself during the recent Golden Globe Awards broadcast just reminded us why we love Mel.”

First of all, let me just say, I am thrilled to see you back on the big screen. Tell me about your character in this movie, Thomas Craven. Like a lot of guys on the police force he’s gone through some life changes. He’s probably divorced. He has a daughter and hasn’t been the greatest father, but he’s okay. He provided for those in his charge. Of course, the cat gets set amongst the pigeons early in the story, and it’s not quite the same again. It’s a one way trip [after that].

Cat amongst the pigeons? Explain what you mean. You’re not too far into it before there’s a pretty graphic murder. It’s assumed that she [his daughter] is not the target but her father is because of his law enforcement background and someone wants to get even with him for something. He quickly discovers that’s not the case at all and that he didn’t know his daughter

as well as he thought he did. He gets to know a little bit more about her in death than he did beforehand, and he becomes totally involved with her too late.

Craven is understandably shaken to the core by this event in his life. What toll does that take on him emotionally and mentally?

Book of Eli: I don’t know if these are the end times we’re living in, but Hollywood

seems intent on cashing-in on doomsday movies. Last year, we had Knowing, 2012 and The Road. The latest apocalyptic film is Book of Eli. Denzel Washington plays a well-armed loner who’s been walking west for thirty years since “the end.” He has the Good Book, which the leader (Gary Oldman) of a rundown town and his henchmen want. Yes, the film has violent shootouts. Yes, the bad guy gets what’s coming to him in an unexpected way. The big surprise Book of Eli offers is the message that as long as you have faith in God, nothing else matters. Who says we couldn’t use a little religion now and then?

PICK OF THE WEEK

The stress, the strain and the traumatic experience of losing someone close to you like that had him just a little unhinged and probably walking around most of the time in the state of a near breakdown. Which I hope comes across with what I’m doing. He should be close to the edge but not letting it really crack too much because he has a job to do.

What aspects, if any, did you find especially challenging in this role? Stillness has always been a stranger to me, and he’s very still. I’ve tried to really, really reign him in and not make too many faces and use too much movement or expression. I think there’s a degree of control. He’s a very introverted man; so, I proceeded that way.

It’s also a very physical role. How was that for you?

The A-Team (1983-1987): We’ll have to wait until June to find out if the big screen remake starring Liam Neeson as Col. John Hannibal Smith lives up to the humor and ingenuity of the popular 1980’s action/adventure series. Until then, take a trip down memory lane with the DVD of the original TV show that starred George Peppard, Mr. T, Dirk Benedict and Dwight Schultz as military soldiers of fortune on the run from the law. I still laugh at how the villains in every episode never get killed. As the saying goes, “If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.”

To quote a memorable line from the film, you start trading pretend punches and wrestling around with a guy half your age it leaves you sore. But you know what, hey, I can still do it! He definitely can. Gibson’s still got it! And you can check him out in Edge of Darkness when the film opens nationwide this week. The film is rated R for strong bloody violence and language. Email me your favorite Mel Gibson movie for the chance to win a pair of tickets to the Studio Movie Grill at trivia@reelcriticstv.com. For all of this week’s new releases and your favorite celebs, check out my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand.

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5 by: Tennessee Chris “Music Snob”

In 2008, Vampire Weekend debuted as the new debutantes of indie rock, with the accompaniment of hyperbolic press extolling they were the largest purveyors of Afrobeat style in Western music. Their fun and slightly off-kilter approach to indie rock was a hearkening back to the days of “So,” “Psycho Killer” and “Another Green World” - and I and plenty of others were amazed by the sound and let their tunes waft gently in on the breeze through rolled-down car windows and during backyard soirees. Now these eclectic kids have unleashed Contra, a major step forward for the band and their catchy, groovy sound. From the start of “Horchata,” the opening track, you get the feeling that Vampire Weekend has taken the Afrobeat mantle a bit too seriously. The song is catchy and tuneful in the same way as most of their debut, but heavy use of neo-tribal drumming and marimba throughout the song makes it seem as though Vampire Weekend have decided to expand their sound purely by integrating more instruments of African origin. The band has also imbued their music with a greater electronic presence – blips and squeaks fill the architectural space between guitar and rhythm. However, it is overused in some instances, such as “White Sky,” which features falsetto, wordless singing and electronic strokes. On “Holiday,” they opt to extract a hook and instead embellish with mechanic noises.

And on “California English,” lead singer Ezra Koenig utilizes auto-tune, which ultimately hinders

MUSIC: Vampire Weekend 1. Horchata

Vampire Weekend – Contra

2. White Sky

Vampire Weekend – Contra

3. Holiday

Vampire Weekend – Contra

4. California English

Vampire Weekend – Contra

5. Taxi Cab

Vampire Weekend – Contra

6. Run

Vampire Weekend – Contra

7. Cousins

Vampire Weekend – Contra

8. Giving Up The Gun

Vampire Weekend – Contra

9. Diplomat’s Son

Vampire Weekend – Contra

10. I Think Ur A Contra

the execution of the tune, especially given the song’s prerelease media flurry. Despite its flaws, Contra is not a complete misstep. It takes a turn for the better with the brilliant middle one-two punch of “Taxi Cab” and “Run.” The former is a ballad featuring a gorgeously simple piano melody and subtle violins and is something truly new to Vampire Weekend’s oeuvre. The latter includes one of the best choruses of the album and proves that the band can implement horns in their sound competently. Overall, the second half of the album is far more successful than the first. Standout tracks include “Cousins,” which is the closest to anything from their debut and back to what Vampire Weekend do best: frenetic drums and noodling guitar; and “Giving up the Gun” on which Vampire Weekend prove that they truly can successfully inject electronic influences into their sound.

Vampire Weekend – Contra

MAVS:News

by: Geoff Case

“Mavericks Analyst”

Changing Up Tradition by: Tony Barone

“The Senior Sports Authority”

NFL Pro Bowl – Sunday, January 31 – 6:20PM – ESPN – Sun Life Stadium

This year, the AFC-NFC Pro Bowl, a game to honor the all-star players of the 2009 NFL season as selected by fans and peers, will be held at the home of the Miami Dolphins. Yes…you read that right. The 2010 Pro Bowl will be held on the weekend before the Super Bowl. This is the first time ever that the Pro Bowl will be held before the championship game. It’s also the first time that the Pro Bowl will be held somewhere other than Aloha Stadium in Honolulu since 1980 (for the 1979 NFL season). NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the move was made “to strengthen the Pro Bowl.” I guess since fans won’t have to pay for a flight off the mainland, we might see more action surrounding the game. The game was also moved up in order to prevent several “sporting” conflicts that would have occurred had the game taken place on the weekend after the Super Bowl. That weekend (February 13 and 14) is filled to the brim with the happenings of the NBA All-Star Game, Winter Olympics and Daytona 500. Additionally, ESPN will be the ones to air the Pro Bowl instead of CBS, which will be airing the 52nd Grammy Awards that night. Rosters for the AFC and NFC teams will not be allowed to include any players from the teams playing in Super Bowl XLIV ( to avoid major injuries on either team). The game can thus be considered a “consolation bowl” for the players on the Pro Bowl teams.

Coincidentally, the league’s original consolation bowl, the Playoff Bowl, was played every year in Miami from 1960 to 1969 at the Orange Bowl Stadium. Wade Phillips will coach the NFC squad and Norv Turner of the San Diego Chargers will coach the AFC team. The NFC’s Minnesota Vikings led all NFL teams with 10 player selections. The Dallas Cowboys have 9 players on the NFC team. This is the eighth in franchise history 9 Cowboys or more have been elected to the Pro Bowl. Center Andre Gurode was named as an offensive starter, but will not play due to an injury. DeMarcus Ware will start at outside linebacker for the defense. Cowboys named as reserves are Tony Romo at quarterback, Jason Witten at tight end, Miles Austin at receiver and Leonard Davis at offensive guard. Defensive reserves for the Cowboys include Jay Ratliff at defensive tackle, cornerbacks Mike Jenkins and Terence Newman. The Indianapolis Colts and New England Patriots lead the AFC selections with 6 players chosen from each team. Several NFL players and officials have spoken out against the new timing of the game. Al Michaels, who has been the playby-play announcer for 13 Pro Bowl games, told the Honolulu Star-Bulletin that he believes the 2011 Pro Bowl will be played in Hawaii saying, “the (NFL) thinks playing it before the Super Bowl will add to the buzz. It won’t.”

The Mavericks were without Jason Kidd for last Sunday’s game against the Knicks. This opened up some extra playing time for backup guard Rodrigue Beaubois. The question many are now asking is why not give him a shot at that starting two guard position? The Mavericks have been rumored to be interested in Kevin Martin from the Kings to solidify that spot, but why trade before you figure out what you have in Beaubois. NBA Rookies tend to have the same problems: defensive responsibilities, decision making and shot selection. Beaubois hasn’t really shown that he’s a liability in any of those departments. In fact, he’s been surprisingly efficient despite being labeled a “project” by many after being taken in the draft. He’s got quickness, defense and threepoint range. He’s the perfect outlet for Jason Kidd on the fast break and is willing to pass the ball to open teammates. If the Mavericks are limiting his play to keep him out of potential trade discussions then it’s understandable, but how much longer can you keep a guy like this on the bench?

Upcoming Opponents: 1/28 at Phoenix Suns – The primetime game on TNT has spelled doom for the Suns since March 13, 2008. They’ve lost their last 16 games on the network. 1/30 vs Portland Trail Blazers – This young, talented roster has the most future potential in the NBA. Whether they put it together this season is still in question. 2/1 at Utah Jazz – They’ve pretty much owned the Mavericks this year, except for that fourth quarter miracle from Nowitzki. 2/3 vs Golden State Warriors – The Mavs were embarrassed this season after losing to a Warriors squad who only played 6 players with no head coach. It’s time for some retribution. My prediction for this stretch: 2-2

Photo Courtesy: Gregg Case

Roddy at the 2

7 - Tony Barone

- Jayson Larson

The Mean Green had time to regroup after playing only one game last week. They have ten games left in the season and are primed to make a run at the conference title since senior Eric Tramiel has returned from a wrist injury. They’ve won three of their last four games and must finish out strong. The state of Texas has 21 NCAA Division 1 programs and North Texas got to 10 wins quicker than all but 8 of them. George Odufuwa is averaging 11.1 points and 10.1 rebounds. He could become the 13th player in school history to average a double-double. At Thursday’s home game against South Alabama, Tramiel led the way scoring 25 and grabbing 13 rebounds. Odufuwa got another double-double with 16 points and 16 rebounds. Everyone seemed to chip in on this victory with five guys scoring in double figures. Thursday, they face a tough road game at Western Kentucky. The Hilltoppers have lost their last three games after spending most of the season atop Sun Belt-East. Saturday, they play at Middle Tennessee, who is first in the Sun Belt-East. Two wins this week would put the Mean Green in good shape.

The Mustangs notched two victories this week in a season turning out to be “The Derek Williams Show.” Wednesday, Williams scored 22 points as SMU held off Rice 73-65 for its first Conference USA win. Saturday, Williams scored 27 points in an 82-68 victory against independent Houston Baptist. The Mustangs raced to an 18-6 lead and stretched that to 19 points in the second half. Wendell Preadom led HBU with 14 points. There was at least one NBA scout in attendance, watching Papa Dia, who scored just 2 points on 1 of 2 shooting. Perhaps Williams earned some NBA worthiness as he has now scored at least 20 points in the last three games and six times this season. SMU hosts conference foes Central Florida and Memphis in the upcoming week. Central Florida is 2-3 in conference play, coming off a crushing defeat to the UTEP Miners 96-59. Perennial power Memphis is tied for third in the conference standings at 4-1. That one defeat, to UTEP last week is significant. It marked the end of an incredible streak of 64 consecutive conference victories. The 64 consecutive wins tied an NCAA record held by the Kentucky Wildcats, who did it from 1945-50.

On January 20, TCU hosted the University of Texas-Pan American. Ronnie Moss, Nikola Cerina and Zvonko Buljan all posted double figures in scoring en route to a 70-58 nonconference victory. Buljan posted his sixth double-double of the season following a 10-point, 10-rebound performance. The victory improved the Frogs to 10-9 on the season. The UNLV Runnin’ Rebels came to Fort Worth on January 23 for a Mountain West Conference game. UNLV connected on nearly 60 percent of its field goal attempts towards a 79-70 victory over TCU. With the game tied at 60-60 with 8:35 remaining in the game, the Runnin’ Rebels went on a 9-0 run to give UNLV a 69-60 lead with 4:33 left. A lay-in by Zvonko Buljan at the 1:05 mark cut the visitor’s lead to 72-70, but UNLV closed the game with a 7-0 run. The Frogs face a busy week. They travel to Colorado State for a MWC clash on Wednesday. Saturday, they’re back home to face New Mexico Lobos (TV- CBS C). The Lobos have four starters averaging in double figures. Next up, a huge road game against 13th-ranked Brigham Young (TV-The MTN) Tuesday at 8:00 p.m. The Cougars are 20-1 (5-0, MWC play).

Hoops For Haiti The images of the destruction, injured people and dead bodies left in the wake of the earthquakes in Haiti are horrifying. Many Americans feel like they need to help. Martin Luther King, Jr., once said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’” University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari came up with an answer. He talked to a friend on the phone who was bothered by the tragedy and wanted to help. Calipari decided to do a telethon with his players to raise money. He knew the devoted basketball fans of the state would support him in his cause. He put everything together in two days with the help of local leaders and asked a local TV station to give him 90 minutes of air time. Red Cross officials said

by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

they knew of no other coach or team doing anything synonymous to this. Calipari hosted the live television broadcast that aired throughout the Bluegrass state, as his players answered phones taking donations. Calipari wanted to teach his players humility. Auctions were set up on Ebay, as well, raising a total of $152,000. A dinner for six with Calipari and UK superfan Ashley Judd went for an astonishing $98,100. Lebron James, a personal friend of Calipari, donated a pretty nice auction item. The winning bidder and one guest will be flown via private jet to and from Cleveland for a 2010 playoff game. Not only will they get premium seats, but they also get to meet Lebron. It sold for a mere $10,099. Many big names called in

to donate during the show: Dick Vitale, Texas coach Rick Barnes, Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim and Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis. I estimated that this good idea would net around $50,000, but I am happy to report, I was a little bit off. The telethon raised over a million dollars in one day. “I’ve been saying for months that the Big Blue Nation is full of ‘crazies,’” Calipari said. “But after Sunday’s outpouring of support, I can call everyone something else: compassionate and generous. It was beyond my wildest dreams.” It’s amazing what humanity can do when we pull together with one goal. Apparently, the people of Kentucky live by the state motto, “United we stand, divided we fall.”

NFL: AFC vs NFC Sunday, Jan 31 – 6:30 PM – Dolphin Stadium – ESPN The NFL’s best of the best will travel to somewhere other than Honolulu for the first time since 1980. It’s also one of your last chances to get a taste of football and cheer on Coach Wade Phillips as he leads the NFC and nine of our Dallas Cowboys against the AFC.

NBA: Dallas vs Phoenix

Thursday, Jan 28 – 9:30 PM – US Airways Center – TNT The first place Dallas Mavericks take their show on the road to play the Phoenix Suns. Red hot Dirk Nowitzki is in the midst of a tremendous season, posting MVP-type numbers; this Mavs team has what it takes to put out the Suns’ flame.

NBA: Los Angeles vs Boston Sunday, Jan 31 – 2:30 PM – TD Gardens – ABC Lakers and Celtics. What else is there to say? It’s an infamous rivalry that always makes for a great game. These two champion teams battle it out in star-studded fashion. Will Kobe & the Lakers have the gusto to come into TD Gardens and shut down the Celtics? Tune in to find out.

NHL: Dallas vs Colorado

Friday, Jan 29 – 7:30 PM – AAC – FSNSW Only a week from their brutal defeat in Colorado, the Stars host the Avalanche at home for a rematch. The Stars have performed well at home versus on the road, so hopefully this will put them in the right frame of mind to secure a much needed victory.

Photo Courtesy: Gregg Case & Manny Flores

- Craig Smith

8 by: Jennifer Wayne “The Foxie Fan”

STARS:News Listen and Win

The Anaheim Ducks: S.C.O.R.E. (Scholastic Curriculum of Recreation & Education), a program funded by the Ducks, offers free curriculum, resources and incentives for teachers and students. Through in-class education and physical education, S.C.O.R.E. uses hockey to teach educational themes, reinforce positive character building and reward academic excellence. The awardwinning program, developed in 2005 for students in Southern California, addresses healthy living habits, academic excellence and the importance of balancing these two practices in their daily routine. Over 25,000 students participate in this program annually.

The Atlanta Thrashers Foundation: The Thrashers support their surrounding neighborhoods through their grant program, which focuses on three areas. To support education, a grant is awarded to a non-profit that uses innovative methods and programs. To support health, a grant is awarded to an organization fighting children’s cancer. To support fitness, a grant is awarded to a non-profit organization helping kids develop an active lifestyle and healthy eating habits.

volunteered for one day at the Cooperative Feeding Program to hand out Thanksgiving meals to families in need, stock pantry shelves and assemble food boxes.

The Flames Foundation: The nonprofit charity has donated over $32 million to causes throughout Alberta. Along with the Rotary Club, the Flames are helping to fund the first children’s hospice in Alberta (one of only six in North America). The Flames are also close partners with the Alberta Children’s Hospital. Among the many activities the Flames participate in, the Wheelchair Hockey Challenge with the Townsend Tigers has remained a highly popular tradition for both the players and the children involved since 1981.

The Dallas Stars Foundation: The Foundation focuses on supporting the children of the DFW community “so they may lead quality lives and develop into contributing members of society.” This month, the final major Dallas Stars Foundation fund-raising event overseen by longtime Executive Director Carla Rosenberg raised over $200,000 for local children’s charities.

The Panthers Foundation: Each November, the Florida Panthers’ wives partner with the Cooperative Feeding Program to host food drives. During the 2009-10 season, the entire staff of Sunrise Sports & Entertainment and Florida Panthers players

The Los Angeles Kings: On January 2, the Kings held a charity game, “Face-Off for Hope,” to benefit City of Hope. It took place immediately after the Kings-Washington Capitals game inside the Staples Center. A portion of proceeds from ticket sales and service fees was donated to City of Hope, a leading research, treatment and education center for cancer and other life-threatening diseases. Lakers forward Ron Artest was named an honorary coach. Pro hockey players Luc Robitaille, Jeremy Roenick, Russ Courtnall, Craig Johnson and John Blue participated in the game. Actors David Boreanaz and Cuba Gooding, Jr., played, too.

Chicago Blackhawk Charities: Their mission is to help the homeless, ill or abused; treat individuals suffering from disabling effects of physical injury; promote health and fitness; and repress risk-related behavior, such as drug use and gang involvement. Since October of 1993, Chicago Blackhawk Charities has granted over $7.5 million for local non-profit organizations that focus such things. In the 2007-08 season alone, CBC distributed over $725,000 among 20 organizations, including the Amateur Hockey Association of Illinois, Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago, Chicago Children’s Advocacy Center and National Runaway Switchboard.

“That Hockey Guy”

Since training season, I’ve been barking that the Stars need to put up a challenge in goal for Marty Turco. Finally, the Stars Hockey Operations listened and let backup net minder Alex Auld ride a 2-game consecutive winning streak (his third game in a row in the nets). Ever since Turco read in the Hockey News 2 years ago that he was one of the 100 most influential people in Hockey, #35 seems to have lost focus in goal. I am talking about letting the easy ones in too early in the game, right before the end of a period and, most crucially, at the end of the game with only a one-goal lead. According to Dallas Stars Analyst, Daryl “Razor” Reaugh, “The Stars need a goaltender that is going to be the difference maker. With our injuries, we (The Stars) aren’t scoring, so it’s up to a goaltender to blank the opposition and win these games.” I do blame the Stars patchwork defense for the majority of the goals against Turco during the balance of the game. The Stars Hockey Department needs to trade some of its talent down on the farm for an experienced number #1 stopper on Defense with front-of-the-net, clear away size! Last off season, I was typing away, saying the Stars must acquire another goalie to put pressure on Turco. I was hoping

Photo Courtesy: Manny Flores

Hockey isn’t just about rivalries, the Presidents’ Trophy, the Stanley Cup and the oh-so beautiful Ice Girls and Dancers, it’s also about supporting the communities the teams play in. Here’s what some of the teams and their Ice Girls are doing off the ice:

by: Richard “Rocket” Pollak

that we could go back to the year 1999, when the Stars won the Stanley Cup and there was a fierce battle for backing up Stanley Cup Champion Goalie Eddie “ the Eagle” Belfour. Manny Fernandez was not resigned by the Boston Bruins after the end of last season and could have been picked up for the same bargain price as our current backup goalie, Auld. Fernandez would have battled for the number #1 spot in nets with Turco during training camp instead of Auld, who found a nice safe spot at the end of Coach Mark Crawford’s bench, which gave the new coach only a security blank. The Stars hockey brain trust, who have been diligently reading my articles every week, finally took my advice and put Auld in goal after he won a game and kept him there for 3 consecutive games, giving Turco a chance to reflect on his past performances from the bench. Turco has been outspoken about the fact that he hasn’t received a contract extension and has finally taken the high road on the issue, unlike his tendency to shield himself from blame for past lapses in goal. Captain Brendan Morrow, who was sidelined for most of the 3 game “Auld experiment,” complimented Turco, saying, “He’s a team player and he knows that we needed to shake things up. We’re hurt and not scoring, so we need goaltending to carry us.” After breaking their 10-game losing streak on the road, the Stars come back home for 3 Western Conference Contests against Calgary, Colorado, Phoenix and Minnesota.

Where are you originally from and how long have you been an Ice Girl? I am originally from Vietnam, but I grew up in Dallas. This is my first season as an Ice Girl. Favorite thing about being an Ice Girl? Why did you want to join? My favorite thing about being an Ice Girl is that I get to do what I love most, dancing, but I also have a challenge everyday to become a better skater. After all, we have a few professional figure skaters, who have traveled the world, that I need to catch up with! I wanted to join this squad because this isn’t like any other team in Dallas; there is so much more to it than what people see. Yes, we skate, we dance, but we also have a unique set of girls who brings their own set of qualities to the team which makes it that much better. How long have you been skating? The only time I have ever gone to an ice rink was when I was younger and my parents would drop me off inside the malls to skate around in circles while they went shopping. Before Ice Girls, I had probably stepped foot into a rink 5 times!

Photo Courtesy: Crystal Clear Media

Most memorable event or game? My most memorable event was a charity event for kids who had been taken away from their abusive parents. On that day, we were invited to skate with kids ranging from age 4 to age 16. I had met some the sweetest children who didn’t need attention, who didn’t ask for much, but just had fun giggling and playing with each other. I had a blast that day just teaching them skating techniques, but wasn’t touched until I heard feedback from the director of the foundation. She said for once the kids actually got to act like kids and weren’t worried about taking care of each other. Most embarrassing moment? My most embarrassing moment was when I was on the platform dancing. Our platform is easily accessed so that fans can come up and say hi, take pictures and so forth. Well, one day during a game, a guy came up to our platform and started shouting at me! I wasn’t sure what he wanted, but I just smiled. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him being escorted out of our area. Relieved, I continued dancing not thinking much about the situation. After the game was over, the same guy comes rushing towards me with a piece of paper with his number written on it! I smiled politely and kept walking. He followed me closely down the hall gesturing and convincing me to take the piece of paper! Luckily, I was saved by my coach!

A special thanks to: Atlanta Thrashers:Gregory Miller, Anaheim Ducks, Calgary Flames:Mark Shannon/Mark Eleven Photography, Chicago Blackhawks:Robin Alam/Robin Alam Photography, Dallas Stars:Crystal Clear Media, Florida Panthers:Omar Ve

ega Photography and LA Kings:Brandon Showers

by: Jesse Whitman

Choke: The San Diego Democrats (Chargers) “A Woman’s Perpspective”

by: Jennifer Wayne

Art By: Jeremiah Havok

“The Foxie Tattoo Chick”

Art By: Jeremiah Havok

Art By: Dutch Digalow

“The more things change, the more they stay the same” is a tired cliché that keeps on getting Dutch Digalow a burst of adrenaline every year or campaign. at work! This past season, the San Diego Chargers, arguably the most talented team in the NFL, started a new campaign to finally represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. Also, this time last year, President Obama was sworn in to office along with a Democratic Super Majority in Congress. Now we are nearing the end of January 2010, and both these franchises on very different playing fields find a way to blow it in similar fashion. After years of defeats, the Democrats got on a roll, thanks in part to the inability of the Republicans to govern the way they always promise. Any alternative party would be in good shape with a George W. Bush in the White House to pick on. So with victories in the 2006 mid-terms and the victory of Barack Obama, the Democrats looked like they were finally juiced to take over and make some change. After years of suffering playoff defeats under Marty Schottenheimer, the Chargers Art By: Dutch Digalow finally looked like they were ready to break through. Philip Rivers is an elite quarterback. The Patriots were eliminated and a ticket to Indianapolis was four quarters away. A lucky Jets team was coming to town with a rookie coach and rookie QB. The Lombardi Trophy was looking like it was within sight. But au contraire! So what happened to the Democrats and the San Diego Chargers recently? To put it in scientific terminology: CHOKE! Both Martha Coakley and the Chargers seemed to parallel stupidity leading up to their respective battles. No state in the country is more blue than Massachusetts. So how did the Democrats game plan involve Martha Coakley succeeding the senate seat held by Teddy Kennedy for 47 years? I don’t know, but somehow Martha Coakley and her staff Art By: Dutch Digalow seemed to think that was all she needed to take the seat. Instead she let a rookie, Scott Brown, punk her in her own house! Sound familiar, Chargers fans? In the NFL, if you lose the battle of turnArt By: Dutch Digalow overs, the odds are, you’re going to lose the game. Philip Rivers threw two interceptions compared to Mark Sanchez of the Jets’ one. That was enough. Martha Coakley had the equivalent of four fumbles when she called Curt Schilling a Yankees fan. Schilling may be a conservative, but he’s never going to have to buy a drink in Boston again. That’s what you get when you help the Red Sox win the World Series and end a curse. Know your town and your history, Coakley! Is there hope for these perennial chokers? Well, the Democrats, with a big majority in Congress, could get things done. The Chargers have the talent and a soft division they can dominate, so they’ll be in the playoffs next year. Lesson to both is simply don’t look past your opponent. You can’t afford to.

hy do people get tattooed? Some people do it to commemorate a death, proved by the thousands of Dimebag Darrell tattoos seen in bars and at concerts. Some people celebrate births with their child’s name scrawled across their arm or tiny footprints inked on top of their own feet. Oh wait…and then there are those people who jumped on the trend train when shows like Miami Ink, L.A. Ink and Inked joined the reality circuit. Ya know, those people who decided that getting a tattoo is cool and went to the ‘round the corner tattoo shop and picked the first cool thing on the wall flipper-flapper things (read: flash). Sure, we’ve all looked at those to get some inspiration, but the people that get the carbon copy of the shamrock or dolphin are the people who are going to regret it. What’s unique about picking something out from a poster the tattoo shop orders from a company that sends it to millions of tattoo shops? You are going to have the same ladybug as Lee in Taiwan and Sally in Ireland. Hope you don’t show up at the same party. I feel sorry for the people that pay the reality show prices for their tattoo. When I was in Vegas, I got the itch to visit the Huntington Ink Tattoo Lounge in the Palms. It would be a cool souvenir to get a tattoo in Vegas and to get it done by someone good enough to have their own TV show. (By the way, I am previously “inked” and was not looking to board the trend train). This place is so high-tech that they don’t have books or posters of their work, they have computer kiosks. I saw a little something that I liked and asked the receptionist (yeah…receptionist) how much. She coolly replied, “$180.”

I hotly replied, “WTF,” and walked out. The same half dollar size tattoo would have cost $80 anywhere else. Little did I know that I didn’t even need to look further than my own backyard to get a tattoo from someone who is celebrity-worthy. Infinity 13 Studios in Dallas not only tattoos celebs, they have a celebrity doing the tattooing. Bassist Bob Zilla from Hell Yeah (and formerly of Damageplan) works at Infinity 13 when he is not recording instudio or on the road with the band. Recently, I visited Infinity 13 Studios to get to know owner Dutch Digalow. The first thing I noticed when I walked in was that the flipper-flapper things, a.k.a flash, were not there. I sat down on a plush black couch across from Dutch. He looks like he could be in the XFL. Yet, he is very soft-spoken and gracious, especially for someone who has tattooed Randy White. Dutch humbly notes, “He found my work on Google and liked it.” He’s also done henna tattoos for Erykah Badu. He does a different design on her back each time she goes on tour. Tom Hicks is a fan, too. He hires Dutch to do henna tattoos for the Dallas Stars’ wives’ at the annual season launch party. These aren’t the things that lead me to believe that this might be my next tattoo artist. Dutch has a degree in Kinesiology, which means he knows about the body. He only does custom work. He takes a person’s idea and creates something never been done before, that will never be done again. He’s a real standup guy. He doesn’t tattoo drunk people. He kindly asks them to come back the next day. His rates can’t be beat either! Stop by for their 2-year anniversary this weekend and enjoy discounts on tattoos and piercings, plus food and rockin’ music. Infinity 13 Studios, 9220 Skillman Street, Suite 201, Dallas. 214-3421313. Infinity13studios.com.

FOOD REVIEW

The Pick of the Week:

by: Kelly G. Reed

“Dude with an Appetite”

Ma Ma Asian Cuisine is Pho Real

MARGARITAS & MEXICAN FOOD

NIGHTLY SPECIALS! DINE-IN ONLY

MONDAYS ENCHILADA PLATE

TUESDAYS

FREE

MEXICAN BEERS ALL DAY

Solʼs Nieto Mexican Grill is XTENDED HAPPY HOUR a fun friendly 4PM TO CLOSE place with a jukebox THURSDAYS atmosphere, FAJITA SPECIAL BREAKFAST, LUNCH neighborhood feel, amazing & DINNER food and great SERVED DAILY FROM 9AM margaritas.

WEDNESDAYS

6434 E.MOCKINGBIRD DALLAS, TX 75214 214-826-5564

Up north, in the enterprising town of Lewisville, there aren’t many Vietnamese restaurants to choose from. When one does come around, it is in the best interest of the proprietors to serve their meals quickly and with attention to detail as far as presentation and quality is concerned. The management at Pho Ma Ma Asian Cuisine does a fine job. As you walk in, you will notice that the layout is spacious and simple. There’s enough seating for large parties with their long “school like” lunch table set up. If you want a more intimate setting or have a smaller party, they can accommodate you with one of their several booths. The Asian art work on the walls are reprints, however, along the back wall of the restaurant is a shelf with various sauces and spices to keep your attention. There are also three TVs for your viewing pleasure. On my first visit, they had some sort of Motley Crue rockumentary on and that made the meal interesting with Girls, Girls, Girls blaring over and over, but I loved it! When the weather cooperates, you’ll have to check out the gated patio.

seated by the wait staff, they are very attentive On to the Eats Once to taking your food order, so if you like to eat and run, they are here to oblige. A couple of appetizers that I can recommend with good conscience are the Shrimp Spring Rolls and the Fried Shrimp Rolls. The Shrimp Spring Rolls are hand-made and served fresh, two per order. The rice wrappers contain large cooked shrimp, rice vermicelli, fresh Thai basil, mint leaves, cilantro and chopped lettuce. The peanut sauce compliments the dish nicely. The Fried Shrimp Rolls are served six at a time and are a nice alternative to egg rolls. Pho Ma Ma Asian Cuisine is primarily a Pho Noodle House and they live up to the billing quite well. When ordering, there are two sizes of soup dishes to choose from: regular and large. The large bowl is a great choice when you are extremely hungry. My favorite beef noodle soup has to be the Special Combination dish. Along with the flavorful broth, the rice noodles are accompanied by steak, brisket, tripe and flank. If that is a little too much meat, you can order any combination of meats to suit your taste. It’s during the winter and cooler months that the beef noodle soup really satisfies. If there are times when soup just won’t cut it and you would prefer to have a rice dish, the menu provides a plethora of fried rice options, such as tofu curry fried rice, chicken fried rice and seafood fried rice. They also serve Pad Thai and a variety of other noodle dishes. The Ha Noi Style Vermicelli, one of my favorite dishes, is served with grilled pork, bean sprouts and cucumbers over a bed of lettuce. The Vietnamese Sandwiches served here also compliment the soup for a more filling meal. The French bread, which is cut in half, with cabbage, pickled carrots, cucumbers, cilantro and your choice of beef, chicken or pork, is worth the $3.65.

It’s a Wrap

Pho Ma Ma Asian Cuisine delivers on all fronts for the residents of Lewisville and nearby Flower Mound. If passing through, it is definitely worth the stop. The owners know several of their customers and make small talk with them. Perhaps they’ll get to know you, too! Pho Ma Ma Asian Cuisine 291 E. Round Grove Road, Ste. 200 • Lewisville – 75067 PH: 214-488-9122 • www.pho-mama.com

15 courtesy of: www.uncrate.com

3G/4G Mobile Hotspot

If you’ve long wished of flying through the air or have simply seen Thunderball one too many times, perhaps it’s time to get in line for a Martin Jet Pack. Powered by a specially-designed 2.0L gasoline engine producing 200hp and capable of traveling as far as 31.5 miles or up to 8,000 feet, this unique personal aircraft falls under the FAA’s Ultralight classification — meaning no pilot’s license required — and even features a built-in ballistic parachute just in case you manage to run out of gas or stall in mid-air. Bluetooth helmet for playing Kenny Loggins’ “Danger Zone” while flying not included. Price - $100,000 when released in late 2010

While we’re not ready to tell you to ditch your existing home broadband connection — something that Sprint humorously suggests — we’re pretty sure the Sprint Overdrive 3G/4G Mobile Hotspot will replace nearly any Internet connection you’ve got. Serving as a 4G modem, switching back to 3G when the faster network isn’t available, the Overdrive shares its connection with up to five devices via Wi-Fi, and also sports a built-in battery that lets you use it on the road to keep your laptop, handheld and other devices online. Price - $100

In need of a Blu-ray player and receiver, but don’t want to buy an extra box *cough* PS3 *cough* to get both? The Denon S-5BD Blu-ray Player/Receiver has you covered. This new all-in-one boasts a number of high-end features, including three HDMI inputs and one output, all HDMI 1.4 compliant, 1080p/24p video output, DVD video scaling up to 1080p, SD card and iPod-ready USB inputs, built-in 5.1-channel surround sound with Dolby TrueHD/ DTS-HD Master 7.1-channel support via preouts, Denon’s AL24 audio processing for enhanced audio performance, an Ethernet jack for BD-Live functionality, and much more, all encased in a sleek black body that will look great in any TV cabinet. Price - $1,800

Dream

If Only It Were A

Let me tell you about the healthcare nightmare I had over the holidays that was so scary, I awoke in sweat. It started with the Seinfeld theme music, but instead of the corner restaurant often seen in the opening scene, I was in the Primacare Center in Mesquite and this show was called Stumpo. The format of this dream/episode seemed familiar, except there was no George or Elaine--just a doctor’s office. I remembered a Seinfeld episode where Jerry saw a Penthouse magazine lying around his dentist’s office, so I went to see if there were any Playboys, but instead, I found many sick people waiting to be treated for their symptoms (the day after Christmas). My symptoms pointed to a sinus infection. For a week, I was blowing green stuff from my nose, coughing it up and spitting it out like a tobacco chewer. For an entire hour, I sat there watching as a medical assistant at one door called for patients. Within a few minutes, the same patient would come out another door and sit back down to wait some more. I took note of the CiCi’s pizza delivery man who was immediately let into those top-

secret rooms to deliver several pizzas to the staff while the rest of us sat there hungry. Everyone was called in but me! I thought, “This is what Americans want? Government-run health care for everyone! No more seeing our own doctors who we trust. Now, I have to waste a whole day sitting among three dozen annoying patients waiting to see some doctor I barely know who is clearly in no hurry to see you to begin with.” I then thought of the people Jay Leno interviews on the street who don’t know whose face is on the dollar bill. I’m now fully convinced it’s because of those idiots, along with weak-minded college students and liberals who voted for Obama, that this country now has the worst health care system like every other country in the world. “F--- it,” I said silently. “I’m leaving.” I’ll deal with the snot and take OTC medications that don’t work. The minute I left, someone at the front desk yelled, “Stumpo… STUMPO!!!” That was when I awoke, soaked in sweat, my dog Mickey staring at me. I asked Mickey what day it was. I knew dogs didn’t talk, but Mickey did. He told me it was Jan. 20,

by: Joe Stumpo

www.darthstumpo.com

2010. I asked him if the country has a nationalized health care system. Mickey laughed. “Have faith, Mr. Scrooge. All is not lost. Some underdog Republican was just elected senator in Massachusetts last night. His name is Scott Brown.” In disbelief, I browsed the Internet in the early morning hours…and found it to be true. The 50- plus year reign of Camelot was officially over. For the first time since Obama’s inauguration, I actually believed “change” is a good thing. Like Ebenezer Scrooge, I was overjoyed that 10 years of my life hadn’t gone by… and the country’s health care system was not government-run. People still had their own doctors. I went to my own doctor two days later. Within a few minutes, my name was called. The nurse wrote down my symptoms and took my blood pressure. My doctor saw me and I was out of there within 15 minutes versus the hour-long dream I had at Primacare. Unfortunately, the nightmare I had was not a dream. It happened. And if America is not careful who they elect, that’s exactly the kind of lousy health care we will all receive and pay for.

By: Sybil Summers

sybilsummers.com

Top 10 DirtySounding Words These everyday words are perfectly harmless, but the 8th grader in me can’t help but snicker each time I hear ‘em.

10. Virginia

A dirty state of mind.

9. Masticate

I heard if you do it too often, you’ll grow hair on your palms.

8. Rectory

The holiest of holies?

7. Coccyx

And seven. And eight. And nine...

6. Manhole

Still the best name ever for a gay bar.

5. Penal

I heard the penal system in Virginia is actually quite pleasant.

4. Ramrod

I’m not even sure what a ramrod’s used for, but damnit, I laugh everytime I hear the word.

3. Cockpit

I know we’re not supposed to joke about airplanes and pilots, but seriously, if someone told you that you and another dude would be crammed inside something called a “cockpit” where you’d push and pull until you got it up, would you say yes?

2. Kumquat

Add some cherries and it makes one hell of a fruit cocktail

1. Blowhard

By definition, a blowhard is someone who likes to toot their own horn. ‘Nuff said.

ACROSS 1. Hex 6. Stately aquatic bird 10. Economize 14. Retch 15. Child 16. Bottom of the barrel 17. German iris 18. Majestic 19. Colored part of an eye 20. Infliction of a penalty 22. Heap 23. Dawn goddess 24. Appraise 26. Tumult 30. Fortuneteller’s card 32. Away from the wind 33. Black, in poetry 35. Eagerness 39. French for “Room” 41. A southern constellation 42. Wampum 43. Coil 44. Part of an archipelago 46. Distinctive atmosphere 47. A large stringed instrument 49. Supple 51. Be against 54. Estimate (abbrev.) 55. Ado 56. Hostility 63. Quick 64. Celebration 65. Run off to marry 66. Initial wager 67. Purposes 68. Egyptian water lily 69. Look of lust 70. Sword 71. Banquet

DOWN 1. Store 2. South American country 3. Acquire deservedly 4. Fifty-seven in Roman numerals 5. Tenant 6. Stalks 7. Squeegee 8. Similar 9. Ambrosia 10. Backwash 11. Any habitation at a high altitude 12. Garments that cover the head and face 13. S S S S 21. Domicile 25. Detergent 26. Sitcom in Korea 27. Wings 28. Scream 29. Whirlybird 30. Trunk 31. A Freudian stage 34. Get-out-of-jail money 36. Smear 37. Monster 38. Backside 40. X X X X 45. Ultimatum ender 48. An association of sports teams 50. Anagram of “Stifle” 51. The viscera of a butchered animal 52. Flying machine 53. Adhesive 54. Delete 57. Pant 58. Joy 59. Gin flavor 60. Bit 61. Creative work 62. Where a bird lives

Blitz Weekly Funnies for the Week Q: How do you know a blonde Higher Learning has been in your office? A: There is white-out on your A professor told dirty jokes in class computer screen. and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that the next time the Q: What’s the difference professor starts with these kind of jokes, between a lawyer and a they all will leave the class as a protest. terrorist? Somehow the professor heard about the A: You can negotiate with a plan. At the next lecture, he started off terrorist. by saying: “In Sweden, a prostitute makes $2000 per night.” All the women stood Q: How many flies does it take up and started to leave the class. So to screw in a light bulb? he shouted after them: “Where are you A: Two, but I don’t know how going? The plane to Sweden doesn’t take they got in there. off until the day after tomorrow.” Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex? A: They can’t stand to see a man have a good time.

Horrorscopes

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 21)

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)

Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)

Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)

Sagittarius(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

You love to party. “Anytime, anywhere” is your motto. You believe a wake is a good place to meet chicks. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians.

Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You’re confused by the idea of sex. Pisceans say too much and do whatever the hell they want.

You tend to use guns to describe philosophical concepts. You make life decisions like a toddler. You have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. This weekend you’ll get married in Vegas…again. You like to psychoanalyze your friends but have no real experience with life in general. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right.

Everyone loves you because you are a schizophrenic. You are progressive, outgoing and one of the most popular rides in Oak Lawn. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date.

You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of pork rinds and beer. People walk on you often. Actually, not often--all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you’re probably right. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren’t, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them.

You are a pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush.

You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You’re also bipolar as hell and can’t make a decision on your own. You consult your therapist or The Blitz Weekly.

You may have actually snorted Chock Full o’ Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. You like smashing spiders with your bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. You’d sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

You’re hardworking, reliable and dull as hell. You still believe that Trump was a visionary. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive.

Urgent Breaking News Okay, let me be the first to gently break the news to you... Brett Favre may or may not be retiring at the end of this year. Yes, folks! You heard it here first! The old man himself has made it clear that he intends to probably maybe retire or not. His annual foray into the “will he or won’t he” media blitz is just about to begin, but as we have all heard it a million times before, I suggest that we just call it like we see it...he probably will maybe retire. The whole problem with his retiring nonsense is that he keeps reversing his words. At this point, nobody believes a word he says. If he came out to say that he discovered a cure for cancer, people would end up thinking that instead of curing cancer, he would just turn around and give the cancer back to you...He’s at that point already. So, instead of waiting around for another Bob Costas interview and a thousand Wrangler Jeans commercials, I figure that he should just say something like this: “You know what? I’m old and I play football. Leave me alone for a few months, let me

by: Pat MoranThrone”

“Man on his Throne” - pmoran@gmail.com

go harvest the crops on my farm for a few weeks and then I’ll sign a one-year contract. And then maybe retire.” Wouldn’t that save us all the effort of paying attention when this yearly issue keeps cropping up? But in the meantime, remember, folks, you heard it here first....It’s a Last Call exclusive scoop. Brett Favre is possibly thinking of considering the thought of retiring at the end of this year or next year or the one after that, which could mean an answer as early as today. Good night and good luck. (Peabody award committee, I’ll be waiting for my award.)

Crossword Solution