Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

OCTOBER 5 – 11, 2011

SPORTS NEWS

Red River Rivalry Marches On!

SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Must See TV 3 UFC 136 Preview 4 Rangers News 5 TCU Preview 6 UNT Preview 6 Stars Season Preview 7 Cowboys News 8 Cover Story State Representative 9 Red River Rivalry Preview 10-11 Blitz babe of the week Taylor 12 Restaurant Review State Fair Food 13 Local Entertainment 7 Things in 7 Days 13 All Hail Gosling The Great 14 Movie Review 14 Centro-Matic 15 Man world State Fair Auto Show 16 Gadgets 16 The Joystick 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 A Nice Tune To Go Postal To... 18

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor C. Patterson Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor Judy Chamberlain Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Cover Photography: Darryl Briggs Model: Sayara Cover Design: Damien Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Major

STAFF WRITERS Hannah Allen, Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Jack E. Jett, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Yu-Ping Chen, Manny Flores, Angel Gallardo, Kent Gilley, David Goodspeed, Dave Hensley, Brandi Korte, Enoch Lai, Russell Limprecht, Eric Lockheart, Dan Morales, Matt Pearce, Mike Philipens, Dave Reichert, Shannon Smith, Aaron Vazquez, Jason Wolter, Allen, Amy CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Joe Avezanno, Cote Bailey, Brian Beard, Sonny Capps, A. Faulkner, David Goodspeed, Andrew J. Hewett, Jack L. Pier, Tommy Smith, Joe Stumpo

BLITZ Weekly

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By Frank LaCosta flacosta@blitzweekly.com

Once again football fans will descend upon the Cotton Bowl for the annual Red River Rivalry game between the University of Texas and Oklahoma. Once again, the Cotton Bowl will be transformed into a sea of burnt orange and crimson split right down the middle for one of college football’s truly marquee games. Once again, the game will probably impact the BCS title picture. The winner of this game will certainly have an advantage in the race for the Big 12 Conference crown. With a backdrop of the Texas Star Ferris wheel, Fletcher’s Corny Dogs and the Midway’s beer stands, the setting of the Red River Rivalry represents one of the truly special games in college football. As author Mike Shropshire noted in his book, Runnin’ with the Big Dogs: The Long, Twisted History of the Texas-OU Rivalry, “The excitement is due in large part to the raw and dynamic history of the two states involved, from the Indian wars to the oil boom. Before statehood Oklahoma was known as Indian Territory, so this Red River Shootout is Cowboys and Indians all over again.” Should It Stay or Should It Go? Currently the Cotton Bowl seats 92,100 crazed football fans for the yearly battle. This is an upgrade from the previous 68,252 it used to hold. In 2009, a record for attendance was set with 96,009 fans attending the game. Both universities signed a contract to play at the stadium through 2015. Surely, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will make a play to host the game as soon as the contract expires. Cowboys Stadium now hosts the Cotton Bowl game and a serious push was made to make it a BCS Bowl game in light of the recent fiasco with the Fiesta Bowl. Imagine if Jerry lost out on the bid and the schools decided to revert back to a home-and-

home series. History would not be made, even though the series began in 1900 and every game has been played in Dallas on a neutral field, except in 1913 (Houston), 1922 (Norman) and 1923 (Austin). A home-and-home series would mean a decided home field advantage playing on campus in front of a student body. Currently ticket sales for the Red River Rivalry game is split evenly between Texas and OU fans. While the rivalry would remain intact and game-day competition fierce, would the luster be lost? Would the game become like that of other storied rivalries such as Notre Dame-USC, Michigan-Ohio State or Alabama-Auburn? In its current state the game is special. Economic Impact For the Metroplex, the Red River Rivalry is a giant payday. Since it occurs during the state fair, it’s nearly impossible to determine how much of an impact the game has on the area. One thing is certain, for years now the same Texas and Oklahoma fans have been staying in hotels, dining in restaurants and spending their money in the city

because of the game. For many it’s like a mini vacation. If Oklahoma loses their fans still stick around for a good time, if Texas loses their fans tend to pack their bags and head home. If the series does move to a traditional homeand-home series the economic impact will not be as strong for Norman or Austin. The number of opposing fans will be significantly less at the stadium. With less dollars being spent, everyone loses. Break tradition… probably not.

MUST SEE TV NCAA: #3 Oklahoma vs.

Texas

#11

Sat. October 8 – 11:00AM – Cotton Bowl – ABC

The annual Red River Rivalry will not disappoint as these two highly ranked teams go into battle. Both teams are undefeated and the winner will have the advantage for the Big 12 title. Landry Jones and the high-powered Sooner offense will be difficult for the Longhorns to contain. While the Longhorns are young at quarterback, their dual QB system seems to be working.

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NFL: Packers vs. Falcons Sun. October 9 – 7:20PM – Georgia Dome – NBC

A battle of defenses will wrap up the games on a rematch from last year’s playoff game takes place on NBC Sunday Night Football. The Packers are undefeated and look almost unstoppable with Rodgers at the helm. Their defense is looking good too. “Matty Ice” has to find his receiving corps to give the Falcons a chance to win. Falcons will need every bit of home field advantage in this shootout. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

October 5 – 11, 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

SPORTS NEWS

UFC UFC 136 Preview

By Brian Beard comments@blitzweekly.com

Chael Sonnen(26-10-1) vs. Brian “All American” Stann(11-3-0): King smack talker vs. All American badass. Sonnen has been known to hype up his fights with a ton of sh!t talk and this cat backs it up! He is a phenomenal wrestler that keeps an incredible pace that is tough for opponents to match. Stann is a former Marine with heavy hands that can knock a fool out! Generally, I would say that Sonnen walks through Stann, but Chael has not been in the cage in over a year due to a suspension for performance enhancing drugs. The lack of juice and the long layoff could cause problems for Mr. Sonnen, but I still think he wins this one. He will win via TKO referee stoppage in the third and then he will call out Anderson Silva, or someone else, immediately.

UFC 135 Saturday – Oct. 8 – 8pm

Watch it at: Frankie “The Answer” Edgar(13-1-1) vs. Gray “The Bully” Maynard(11-0-1): This will be the third meeting between these two fighters with their last one being back in January. It was a split decision draw. Their first fight saw Maynard winning by decision. One thing I will almost guarantee is that this will be a decision. Both guys are great wrestlers, but Maynard will hold the edge here. I’m sort of over this match up and I think we will see a repeat of the last fight only this time; Gray Maynard will win the decision. He will control the wrestling and be able to etch out a win in a very technical game of cage control and wrestling. Maynard takes the belt.

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Jose “Junior” Aldo(19-1-0) vs. Ken “Kenflo” Florian(16-5-0): This fight has major fight of the night potential. Aldo is very explosive and a great striker that can bring it from any angle. Kenflo is great on the ground and also touts a good stand up game. He also seems to have razor blades in his elbows, as he is notorious for slicing people open with them. Florian is a formidable opponent for anyone, but I think Aldo’s speed will be too much. Aldo will be able to pick him apart over time, however we will witness a war in the meantime. I see Jose Aldo winning a unanimous decision in a bloody fight of the night.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

OCTOBER 5 – 11, 2011

RANGERS Resilient team rises again

By Mark Miller mmiller@blitzweekly.com

Texas Rangers fans, you are guaranteed to see your favorite baseball team again at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. That’s because the Rangers didn’t panic after a 9-0 loss last Friday to open the American League Division Series against the Tampa Bay Rays, who made the playoffs on the last play of the regular season. We got beat and when you get beat you can shake it off. Texas Manager Ron Washington said Friday. We will bounce back tomorrow. Just like they have so many times the past two years, the resilient Rangers bounced back both Saturday at home and Monday in St. Petersburg, Fla., where five nights earlier, Evan Longoria’s 12th inning home run sent the Rays to the playoffs.

So even if the Rangers lost Tuesday’s Game 4, they host the deciding ALDS game Thursday. But if they won the afternoon match, they play in the American League Championship Series beginning Saturday either at the New York Yankees or at home against the Detroit Tigers. The Rangers used a five-run fourth inning to fuel an 8-6 victory Saturday and a four-run seventh inning, plus a stellar starting performance by Colby Lewis and rare four-out save by closer Neftali Feliz to squeak out a 4-3 triumph Monday. “We wanted to win this game so badly because it would guarantee we would go back home,” Rangers third baseman Adrian Beltre told mlb.com Monday. It was three of toughest innings that we experienced all year, Washington said. You had two ball clubs out there that never quit playing baseball. And

Upcoming Schedule: ALCS Oct. 8 Tigers or @Yankees Oct. 9 Tigers or @Yankees Oct. 11 Yankees or @Tigers Oct. 12 Yankees or @Tigers Oct. 13 Yankees or @Tigers (if necessary) Oct. 15 Tigers or @Yankees (if necessary) Oct. 16 Tigers or @Yankees (if necessary) it certainly showed up today. And if you ever wanted to see a great baseball game, that was one out there today. It was quite intense. Lewis gave up just one hit in six innings, a fourth-inning homer by Desmond Jennings that gave the Rays a 1-0 lead that held until the seventh. That’s when catcher Mike Napoli’s offense kicked in again. After his two-run homer Sept. 30 helped Texas clinch the No. 2 seed, Napoli’s two-run single fueled Saturday’s rally and two-run homer Monday put the Rangers ahead. He also threw out speedy B.J. Upton on the bases in each game.

Meanwhile, outfielder Josh Hamilton, who had the only two hits off rookie Matt Moore in Game 1, added a two-run single that proved the winning margin in Game 3. The victory was the fourth in as many postseason games for Lewis who lowered his playoff earned run average to 1.67. While the Rays hit three home runs off Rangers ace C.J. Wilson, two by Fort Worth’s Kelly Shoppach the real story was rookie pitcher Matt Moore. In only his second major-league start, he yielded two hits in seven innings. He’s a special kid, Washington said. You have to give him credit.

It took Texas until the fourth inning Saturday to rattle veteran James Shields who hit two batters and uncorked two wild pitches to help the Rangers to their five runs. Two more in the sixth knocked him out and helped change the series. “The fourth inning was very satisfying because Tampa has pitching,” Washington said. “We kept grinding and kept grinding and got our confidence back, not that you ever lose your confidence.” Maintaining that confidence amid the momentum of Tampa making the playoffs put the Rangers in a position to play at home once again.

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October 5 – 11, 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

SPORTS NEWS

By Tony Barone tbarone@blitzweekly.com

By Sonny Capps hhhup88@gmail.com

tions. The Frogs had to drive just 46 yards for the tying score with 1:16 remaining in regulation. For the game, Pachall had a career-high 304 yards passing as he completed 30-of-42 attempts. TCU pulled a similar rally in the season opener against Baylor, scoring 25 points in the fourth quarter to take a 48-47 lead before letting the Bears drive to the winning field goal. That loss ended TCU’s 25-game regular-season winning streak. “The bottom line is we’ve come back twice and come up short,” TCU coach Gary Patterson said. “Our kids did everything they could to get to that point, but you’ve got to find a way to finish.” The Horned Frogs, coming off an unprecedented three straight seasons with the nation’s top defense, gave up more than 450 yards for the second time this year. The first was in the opening loss to Baylor. Next week TCU travels to the west coast to take on San Diego State. The Aztecs will be coming off a bye week and are sporting a 3-1 record so far this season.

Okay, I’m going to forgive and forget some of the calls, missteps and adjustments they’ve been subjected to over the first five games. I’m not the coach and may not know what’s best for this team, so I’ll keep most of after the fact coaching skills quiet. I will shake my head and wonder why Osborn didn’t get to play until late. This kid can put the ball where it belongs, he has shown it previously and again in the fourth quarter Saturday night. Maybe McNulty is the quarterback to build on in a few years, but production and offense stability is needed now. This isn’t the kind of change I expected from Coach McCarney. Florida Atlantic will be coming to Texas for its second conference game after a late rally then a loss at the buzzer against Louisiana-Lafayette. FAU has been consistent in losing over the last few years, they can pass the ball and keep the opposition on its toes, but finishing for them has been a challenge. Owning one of the worst pass defenses in college football, the Owls defense is ripe for the picking. Quarterback issues or not, any of the three QBs Coach McCarney chooses to start should have a productive day against this squad. Keeping in mind the defenses that UNT has faced until now, this FAU team may seem like a JV scrimmage. Dunbar has been getting the ball and if the Owls try and focus on the pass…well, Dunbar and Hamilton should be set up for some big gains. The key here will be to get the Owls to either focus on either the pass and/or run which will open the door for scores and clock control, the Mean Green should be lighting the scoreboard up by halftime. Hopefully, the UNT squad won’t be down after the start they had against a few top 20 teams, and Coach McCarney should have them geared and ready for conference play. The FAU Owls motto is “take what they give you.” With this in mind, Coach McCarney’s game plan he can put together, the speed of the UNT’s offense, and the defense stability that has been shown, the Owls may be taking a double-digit loss back to the Sunshine State.

TCU vs. SAN DIEGO STATE SAT. OCT. 8 - 9:30pm QUALCOMM STADIUM

FLORIDA ATLANTIC vs. UNT SAT. OCT. 8 – 6:30pm APOGEE STADIUM

SMU stormed the field after a fourth-down pass from TCU quarterback Casey Pachall fell incomplete in overtime, clinching the 40-33 upset of the Horned Frogs. It’s just the second win over a ranked team for SMU since it was banished from football by the NCAA’s so-called death penalty in the 1980s. SMU won it when Pachall couldn’t get his team in the end zone in OT after throwing three fourthquarter touchdowns. His toss on fourth-and-2 was tipped and bounced off the chest of TCU’s Brandon Carter, prompting a wild SMU celebration that also marked the end of TCU’s school-record 22-game home winning streak. Even though TCU (3-2) scored 23 fourth-quarter points, the Mustangs also were moving the ball, converting several big third-down comple-

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Show Me What You Got

SMU stops TCU’s Home Win Streak

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

OCTOBER 5 – 11, 2011

STARS

Dallas Stars look for a New Beginning

By Tony Barone tbarone@blitzweekly.com

Upcoming Schedule: 10/7 Blackhawks 7:30 p.m. 10/8 @Blackhawks 7:30 p.m. 10/10 Coyotes 5:00 p.m. 10/13 Blues 7:30 p.m. 10/15 Blue Jackets 7:00 p.m. 10/18 @Blue Jackets 6:00 p.m. 10/21 @Ducks 9:00 p.m.

The Dallas Stars finished the 2010-11 season with 95 points. Unfortunately, it took 97 to make the playoffs and the Stars lost the number eight spot to the Chicago Blackhawks on the last day of the season. It was a heartbreaking end to a promising year. Last season, the Stars stood at the top of the Pacific Division on November 29 and on December 21, they briefly sat atop the Western Conference. Their record on January 26 was 30-15-5. But afterwards, they stumbled, winning only once in the next 10 games and posted a 12-14-6 record the rest of the way. Worse, superstar center Brad Richards walked for nothing on July 1, sign-

The Stars will continue to be led by captain Brenden Morrow, who hasn’t put up a 70-point season since 2007-08. The real scorer to watch will be Loui Eriksson, one of the league’s best emerging left-wingers. While Ribeiro is now the Stars’ highest-scoring center, Jamie Benn may draw the assignment as Eriksson’s pivot. Benn subbed for Brad Richards last February when the Stars center went down with a concussion. Benn flourished in the oppor-

ing with the New York Rangers and leaving the Stars without a franchise center. Unshaken, GM Joe Nieuwendyk beefed up the Stars’ overall depth with a number of offseason moves, fired his coach, and will hitch his playoff hopes to this team’s young players taking the next step. Gone is popular forward Jamie Langenbrunner and, regrettably, Karlis Skrastins, who signed with Lokomotiv of the KHL only to perish in a tragic plane crash, a loss that is no doubt mourned by the entire Stars organization. Also gone is Aaron Gagnon, who signed with Winnipeg. But the list of new arrivals is large. Michael Ryder joins the Stars forwards crop, fresh off a postseason where he put up 17 points in 25 playoff games to lead the Boston Bruins to the Stanley Cup. The Stars are banking on renewed acquaintances and chemistry with Mike Ribeiro with whom Ryder played on a line for the 2006-07 Montreal Canadiens. The Stars took a gamble on Sheldon Souray, the league’s unofficial hardestshot record holder. Also on the way in are Adam Prady, Radek Dvorak, Jake Dowell and Vernon Fidder, providing depth throughout the lineup. Though they remain short on high-end talent, the Stars are a much deeper team than last year.

tunity, riding a career-high 10-game point streak and closing the season with 23 points in the final 23 games On defense, the Stars aren’t as promising. Stephane Robidas looks to again be the big-minute guy on the blueline, but his age (34) would indicate he’s on his way down. The bulk of the defensive minutes will go to Trevor Daley and Alex Goligoski, who was second only to Richards in power play time per game last season. He will need to shoulder the added responsibility for the Stars’ power play to be a factor. Kari Lehtonen is the man in goal, but he will need a better season to remain the man going forward. For the Stars to be one of the league’s top 16 teams, Lehtonen needs to be one of the league’s top 16 net minders. GM Joe Nieuwendyk’s most significant offseason move might have been the firing of Mike Crawford after two years behind the Dallas bench. In his place is Glen Gulutzan, formerly the coach of Dallas’ AHL affiliate, the innovatively named Texas Stars. The Dallas Stars have plenty of promising pieces, and while they’re likely a couple years away, an unexpectedly strong debut out of Gulutzan could lead this team to contention in the West. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

October 5 – 11, 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

SPORTS NEWS

COWBOYS Now You Love Him – Now You Don’t

By Joe Avezzano www.hattricksdallas.com

Just when you get to liking Tony Romo as the Cowboy’s quarterback he gives you reason to not like him. It’s a very confusing situation for fans who really want the Cowboys to be successful. After two weeks of heroic play, Romo led the way for the biggest comeback loss in the history of the Dallas Cowboys. Ahead 27-3 you and I knew that this would be a resounding win after playing in so many close contests in the last nine regular season games. And I thought the game got that way with a combination of good play calling, execution and defense. To help control a good De-

troit rush the early part of the game included some runs, some draws and screens all intended to negate pressure from Detroit. When Bobby Carpenter intercepted Romo and ran it back for a score we should have known something was out of whack. But then the next pass was also intercepted and ran back for a score and finally a poorly thrown ball in the fourth quarter was picked off. Three touchdown passes were negated by three interceptions. And the results were a 34-30 win by Detroit bringing them to 4-0 and the Cowboys falling to a 2-2 record a quarter of the way through the season. It’s never that simple and there were other plays that are brought into question. 1. In the first quarter leading 7-0 the Cowboys had fourth and goal on the one and chose to go for the TD and were stopped. Always take the points? Make it and have it look really good. Make that decision because the Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Upcoming Schedule: 9/11 @NY Jets 24-27 Loss 9/18 @San Francisco 27-24 Win 9/26 Washington 18-16 Win 10/2 Detroit 34-30 Loss 10/9 BYE WEEK defense is playing really well. That early in the game I would take the points. I understand the reasoning, but if it doesn’t work then it’s wrong!

2. With 53 seconds left in the game, Detroit punted the Cowboys back inside the 5-yard line. They went three and out and they needed more then that. Especially then when things were getting crazy. 3. The Lions were called for an offensive pass interference penalty and the Cowboys chose to decline and make it third and thirteen instead of second and twenty-three. The Lions then kicked a 51-yard field goal to get within

three. That’s a borderline gut reaction call. A 51-yard field goal is still a long one, but they made it so the question arises. I don’t think criticism is warranted in this case. It seemed like any and everthing the Cowboys did in the first half either stopped working or wasn’t called in the second half. Every statistic in the game was basically in the Cowboy’s favor. Yards, time of possession, running, throwing, except interceptions returned for touchdowns. Some of the interceptions can be attributed to other people as far as route running and other factors, but the bottom line is that Romo one week gives you a thrill and the next breaks your heart. Are you happy with 2-2? Remember it could easily be 0-4. Oh, but on the other hand it could be 4-0. Damn this love affair is confusing! One minute you love him and the next you don’t. Joe Avezzano can be heard Tuesday nights at 7pm on 95.3FM and on all Cowboy postgame shows on 105.3 The Fan. He can be seen on Channel 21 on Wednesday nights at 7:30pm. Join him for great food, sports, music and his TV show on Wednesday nights.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

OCTOBER 5 – 11, 2011

Cover Story

By Cote Bailey comments@blitzweekly.com

Ok, so you own a t-shirt, jersey and a hat – heck you may even have a commemorative koozie and matching Snuggie. Sure those things are fine…if you’re one of those folks who think driving a lifted F-350 dually with Longhorn logoed truck nuts is “a bit too much.” And let me just tell you a little something you may not know about the Red River Rivalry, “too much is never enough.” It’s Texas and OU time and there are no boundaries when it comes to showing your colors. So whether its gnomes, flags, or Crimson & Cream hand-painted midgets we’ve complied a list of some of the coolest ways to show who’s your dog in the fight. Boomers to Bevo we’ve got you covered.

Oklahoma Sooners 8.5’ Tall Applique Team Flag Nothing says ‘I pledge allegiance’ like an 8.5’ tall marker of loyalty dead smack in the middle of the yard. Keep your team pride blowing in the breeze as far as the scent of a Fletcher’s Corny Dog. Expect an impromptu H.O.A meeting soon(er). Price: $70 Oklahoma/Texas House Divided 3x5 Flag Take all of the guesswork out of where the domestic disturbance call came from with this 3X5 thing of beauty. This is often the #2 item purchased in the Fan Shop right behind the Capulet/Montague flag. Price: $25 Texas Longhorns Collegiate Garden Gnome So you’re into themed garden gnomes you say? Well my friend, I think you may have just struck gold. Scare some and bewilder others with this addition to your landscaping needs. Don’t look surprised when it comes to life and hog-ties the cat. Price: $20 Texas Longhorns 8’ Inflatable Mascot Let your neighbors know they can take their precious property value and shove it with this snazzy number. An 8’ Bevo is sure to bring out the absolute best of your next-door neighbor’s archery collection – don’t let him see you outside plugging it in. Price: $120 Texas Longhorns Team Logo Fan Brand Invite all your OU friends over for a little Saturday afternoon cookout just to show them that bitter enemies can still be civil (wink wink). And right when they get ready to dig on in to that juicy steak they are faced with the simple choice of submit or starve. Price: $10 (...well spent) Oklahoma Sooners Black Leather Wallet If you thought dinner was a bit pricey it may have been because you pulled out your Sooner embroidered billfold at the Longhorn Steak & Shake. Don’t worry, 84% gratuity is customary. Price: $33 Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

october 5 – 11, 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

Photo Courtesy: Manny Flores, Aaron Vazquez, Enoch Lai

A T & T

By Geoff Case gcase@blitzweekly.com

R e d

It’s that time of year again, when the two perennial Big 12 powerhouses meet on the gridiron. For only the second time in the last seven years, Oklahoma and Texas arrive at their annual showdown in Dallas with unblemished records. The Sooners (4-0) have been slipping in the rankings despite winning all four of their games, while the Longhorns have climbed all the way to No. 11 with four straight wins. The State Fair of Texas hosts the game every year with the Texas Longhorns holding the all-time series lead of 59–41–5 and a 47–37–4 edge in Dallas. The game’s importance is not only regional, but also significant on a national scale. Six of the last ten showings featured one of the participants in the Bowl Championship Series National Championship Game (2000, 2003–2005, and 2008–2009), including national titles won by Oklahoma in 2000 and by Texas in 2005. In 2005, the Dallas Morning News asked the 119 Division 1A football coaches to identify the top rivalry game in college football. The Red River Rivalry ranked first. Oklahoma, which won last year’s game 28-20, was the preseason No. 1; the Longhorns started the season unranked for the first time since Mack Brown’s first season as coach in 1998. Another win and Texas would likely find itself ranked higher than the Sooners.

R i v e r

Oklahoma offense Texas defense Walk-on running back (yes, you read that correctly) Dominique Whaley made his first Oklahoma start against Ball State Saturday night, and immediately showed why OU fans were clamoring for it to come sooner. Whaley won’t impress you with athletic ability or tremendous speed. He does it by playing every snap with an unbridled intensity, almost as if he’s playing like, well…a walk-on. The biggest strength of the Oklahoma offense is how balanced it functions. You could never peg them as a running or passing team. QB Landry Jones simply responds to what the defense is giving him, which is a credit to the coaching staff. The Texas defense will have to keep the Longhorns in the 20-30 point range for a chance at the upset. That is more than possible (The most they’ve given up in a game this year was 20 at UCLA). They will need to make creating pressure on Jones and stopping the run the top priority. Making Oklahoma air it out plays into the Longhorn’s strength. That might sound crazy at first since the Sooners are 50th in rushing offense and 6th in passing offense, but not if you’re trying to stay one step in front of Bob Stoops. The Texas defense boasts the 9th rated passing defense, allowing only 154 yards per game. Landry Jones is a great quarterback, however he will make mistakes from time to time. Jones has already thrown 6 interceptions this season vs.

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R i va l r y

and has a tendency to throw at stud receiver Ryan Broyles exclusively. If Oklahoma can’t run the ball, the Texas’ secondary will be able to key in heavily on Broyles and potentially take away Oklahoma’s biggest offensive threat. Oklahoma is not an offensive powerhouse this season. Currently, they’re tied at 33rd in the nation in scoring offense. Taking away their best weapon and making Kenny Stills and Dominique Whaley beat you is a recipe for success. If Texas can create pressure and blanket Broyles in they should also be able to come up with some turnovers. Make no mistake, this is strength against strength, but I think the Longhorns win this match-up. Edge: Texas Longhorns Texas Offense vs. Oklahoma defense The Longhorn’s running game has been their strength by putting up 226.3 yards per game on the ground. Malcolm Brown and Foswhitt Whittaker are both average near-or-above five yards per carry and have combined for four touchdowns. They will need that ground game rolling against OU if they want to win for a few reasons. It will help their young QBs mental psyche (limiting their mistakes) and keep the Oklahoma offense off the field. Establishing the running attack will be a joy to watch, as it will result in a tough physical battle because Oklahoma will no doubt be keying on the run. Ronnell Lewis and Frank Alex-

P r e v i e

ander have combined for 7.5 tackles for loss and have provided a tough duo on the line. R.J. Washington joins Alexander with a couple of sacks as well and will test the Texas offensive line. I feel as though whoever wins that match-up will increase their chances significantly of coming out victorious. Texas started off the season with Garrett Gilbert as starting QB, but after numerous struggles benched him in favor of Case McCoy (Colt’s younger brother) and David Ash. The Longhorn offense has been on track ever since and Jaxon Shipley has emerged as their top receiving threat. The passing attack is where Texas appears weakest, ranking 81st in the nation and grabbing just 201.3 yards per game. They will need to make timely plays and limit mistakes due to inexperience. They should be passing to set up the run. The Sooners defense fixed some of the flaws from a 38-28 victory against Missouri a few weeks ago in which they trailed at home for the first time in 21 games. Sooner’s defensive coordinator Brent Venables had been disappointed with how his defense lined up incorrectly and provided leverage points for the Tigers’ offense to gain more than 500 yards of offense. They responded nicely against Ball State only allowing around 200 yards of offense. “I think our players recognized we didn’t play to the level we’re capable of, and that it doesn’t take much to be off your game,”

Venables said. Oklahoma’s pas has not been stellar, ranking 96th tion and allowing 260.3 yards p Their run defense has been a li coming in at 53rd in the country a ing 132.3 yards per game. Okla got some great talents on the defe of the ball, but can throw out s performances every once in a wh need to keep their composure ea game. If OU can put points on early it could likely turn into a b would force Texas into passing w rienced quarterbacks and Oklaho turn up the pressure. Edge: Oklahoma Sooners

WHO’S going to win? Each team comes in off of a d performance fueled by takeawa homa turned four turnovers, inclu second-quarter interceptions by T son, into 28 points and throttled 62-6. Texas forced three first-qu overs on its way to a 34-0 half then cruised to a 37-14 win at undefeated Iowa State. I think gets up early will have a huge a Obviously the favorite is Oklah Texas has got to like how they with the Sooners. I’m starting to as well.

Prediction: Texas over Oklahoma 27–

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5 october 5 – 11, 2011

e w

ss defense h in the naper game. ittle better, and allowahoma has ensive side some bad hile. They arly in the the board blowout. It with inexpeoma could

dominating ays. Oklauding three Tony Jefferd Ball State uarter turnftime lead, previously k whoever advantage. homa, but match up o think that

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October 5 – 11, 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

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OCTOBER 5 – 11, 2011

Restaurant review

BLITZ FOOD & FUN REVIEW State Fair of Texas, 2011

By Judy Chamberlain jchamberlain@blitzweekly.com

“It’s dollars to doughnuts that our State Fair is the best State Fair in our state…” Richard Rogers, from the movie “State Fair,” filmed at the State Fair of Texas, Dallas, TX, in 1962 The granddaddy of all state fairs - the first one to ever have been held in America, way back in 1886 - Big Tex, dubbed “the fried food capital of the Texas”- is celebrating its 125th birthday this year. We all know about the fried butter, fried peanut butter and other cardiologist’s “wurst” nightmares, right? How, we wondered, would Big Tex top the artery-clogging, grease-laden wackiness that attracted Oprah Winfrey to the fair in 2009 to personally check out the culinary attractions? Our superbly trained Guerilla Taste Testing Team was ready to find out. We’d been lifting weights and dieting for weeks in preparation for the fair’s opening day. Yeah, right. The fair is probably more for kids than for adults, but it’s a great place for adults to act like kids again. I mean, how serious can grown-ups be when they have powdered sugar, cotton candy and deep-fried chocolate cake smeared all over themselves? Best of all, the fair employs a cast of what might well be thousands, puts a lot of money back into the local economy and provides fodder for writers like me to poke fun at it. And while I wish Big Tex could be dragged kicking and screaming into the Twenty-First Century and become a pioneering champion of wheatgrass extractors, vegan soups and sugarfree homemade pies, cookies, candies, cakes and the like, I realize that such a platform would be disagreeable to Texans everywhere, even the

ones who don’t own a deep-fryer and only eat this junk…er, I mean food...a couple of times a year. Seriously, it’s ok to do exactly that -- especially when a day at the fair is so much fun. Grab a bite is at Hans German food stand. It’s located outdoors, before you get to the indoor area, and sells potato salad and deep fried sauerkraut balls - a new item this year – that are among the best things you’ll find to eat at the fair. Once inside the main building – which is extremely neat and clean, by the way (Don’t Mess with Texas) - steer clear of the fried beer. One bite of these lukewarm Shiner Bock-filled, ravioliish things and every one of us spat them out; they were absolutely revolting. Aha! Finally, something that wasn’t deepfried! Bananas foster and banana cake, but there was one problem… nobody there could tell us what was in it. Many of the food handlers we talked with told us that they had just started their jobs and had little or no knowledge of the products they’d been hired to handle, dispense or whatever. Most were helpful and gracious though, like the staffers from the Golden Chick, group of fast food eateries who personified the word “hospitality.” Moving right along, don’t be wasting your tickets on the Kool-Aid pickles, which make actual sour pickles taste like dessert in comparison, Must be some sort of joke. The clear winner of the day: fat funnel cakes. I will be back for more of these. They are delicious, and far superior to the garden variety of street-fair funnel cake. Back outside, the scent of eau de deep fryer

called to us from three booths away. Here was the mother lode, where we found the breaded and deep-fried Oreos and Snickers bars, chocolate and vanilla cake. One of us actually ate an entire deep fried Snickers Bar: hot holy melted chocolate mess! As if smearing chocolate all over one’s shirt wasn’t exciting enough, the same stand offered breaded, deep-fried mashed potato balls…and chicken skin. No chicken, of course. Just skin. These items aren’t cheap. Each costs between four to twelve pre-paid tickets, which sell for fifty cents each. Do save some money to have your handwriting analyzed at what I think may have been the Wizard of Oz’s main frame computer. Yee-ha!

State Fair of Texas September 30 to October 23 Dallas Fair Park Bigtex.com

Dallas Polo Club

L E A R N T O P L AY P O L O NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

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C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1

Photos Courtesy: Dan Morales, Dave Hensley, Allen, Amy, Angel Gallardo, Brandi Korte, Mike Philipens

WED. Wed 10/5

Luau on the Patio Beer Dinner Meddlesome Moth Dallas What could possibly be better than beer and Tiki Torches? Beer, Tiki Torches, and Maui Brewing Company bringing even more beer! Who knew that heaven had a patio? Start guzzling at 6pm.

thurs. fri. Thurs 10/6 Fri 10/7

Granada Theater 7th Ann. Party with Blind Pilot Granada Theater – Dallas Celebrate the Granada’s new ownership’s 7th anniversary with an aviation nightmare … oh wait … there’s a band called Blind Pilot, oh thank God. Clear the runway at 7pm.

Who’s Bad: Tribute to Michael Jackson House of Blues Dallas HOB Dallas is calling out all you moon-walkers to party like the Gloved One. It will be lots of fun and we promise no glitter and children. No word yet whether Conrad Murray is gonna make it. 8pm.

sat. Sat 10/8

Texas State Fair Fair Park – Dallas Fried bubble gum and bacon-covered margarine… mmmm just like Mama use to make! See the sites, ride the rides, worship the Corny Dogs, oh yeah and there’s the Red River Rivalry too. Gates open bright and early, kickoff at 11am.

sun. Sun 10/9

Fiesta Latinoamericana Dallas Arts District – Dallas Food, music, dancing, and stilt walkers all go into the perfect recipe for an amazing way to spend a Sunday. Musicians and a fiesta – arriba!!! 9am.

mon. tues. Mon 10/10 Tues 10/11 Coyotes vs. Stars American Airline Center – Dallas Of course we are talking NHL here, how else could a coyote fight a star? We all know they have yet to master interplanetary space travel…duh. Pucks fly at 5pm.

Zydeco Stingrays Chevy Main Stage in Fair Park – Dallas Get you a little of that good ol’ Cajun flavor and don’t miss this show because you know what’s the loneliest bayou of them all… bayou self. Les e le bon ton roulet at 8:30pm.

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October 5 – 11, 2011 14 Local Entertainment

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

All Hail

Gosling the Great

Drive

Sure, I could begin with all the things that Ryan Gosling and I have in common; we’re both great looking guys, like V-neck shirts, and paparazzi swarm us both when leaving Denny’s at 3am. But what tips the scoreboard in old Gosling’s favor is the small fact that he was let into the Mickey Mouse Club and I sadly…was not. And we all know the rules, once the rodent blesses you; you’re set for life. Oh, what might have been? Here’s a look into some of the film life of the perplexingly simple, yet elegantly rugged A-Lister: Born in Canada in 1980 – Eh, nobody’s perfect. To make up for being born in a country with a leaf on its flag (seriously, a leaf? C’mon) Ryan changes his accent to sound more Marlon Brando less Gordie Howe. The Believer (2001) The Grand Jury Prize Sundance winner shows that the tough talking Maple Leaf has some acting chops. The Notebook (2004) Besides being a movie that every guy has to watch to ‘show his sensitive side’ or be forced to sleep on the couch, The Notebook also put Gosling in a movie opposite Rachel Adams (score 1 for Ryan). Half Nelson (2006) How could a movie about freebasing cocaine and teaching middle school history go wrong? The Answer is it can’t. Half Nelson earned Ryan his first Oscar nod,

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By C. Patterson cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

a Screen Actors Guild Award, and a Spirit Award. Not too shabby for a guy whose name rhymes with Smoshling. Lars & the Real Girl (2007) All I have to say is this, last time I fell in love with a sex doll I didn’t get a Golden Globe nomination and a Satellite Award, unbelievable. Blue Valentine (2010) Blah, blah, blah, amazing acting performance, blah, blah, blah, Golden Globe Best Actor in a Motion Picture nomination. Always the bride’s maid never the bride huh Ryan? Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011) In his first crack at the comedy genre he still gets to sleep with Emma Stone. Life. Is. Unfair. Drive (2011) Awesome movie, don’t believe me look to your right and find out. Gosling the Great will round out 2011 with the George Clooney directed, Ides of March, which I am sure should bring him more awards and accolades, more Ray Ban’s and V-neck shirts, and of course more fame and stardom. Here’s to you Ryan, long live King Smoshling.

By A. Faulkner comments@blitzweekly.com

Drive has the making of a cult classic — a perfect concoction of love story and brutality. Ryan Gosling himself said it would be like a “violent John Hughes film.” Shifting from an opening of 80’s stylized fonts and music with the image of the unnamed driver breaking out onto the road in his Chevy Impala to an intense retro-heist; this film literally takes even those with a strong stomach for a joy ride. The lack of dialogue allows viewers to focus on a magnificent breadth of acting talent: the always seamless and solid Carrie Mulligan as the single mother needing protection due to her flawed husband’s illegal handlings, the superb Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) as Gosling’s friend and employer, and of course, the cool and controlled unnamed driver Ryan Gosling in his superhero, McQueen/Eastwood role, stealing him from the stigma of The Notebook and preparing him for the meatier roles he deserves. The one exception to acting here is Christina Hendricks, known best for her role as Joan on Mad Men. Showcased as much as Mulligan in trailers and marketing, Hendricks time onscreen is whittled down to a mere ten or so gruesome minutes where her excellent skills are barely given a chance to be noticed. Drive is certifiably the coolest film to come around in a while, thanks especially to Danish-born director Nicolas Winding Refn, who received the best director prize at Cannes and whose earlier films seem to always approach cult status in cinephiles. Refn beautifully transitions highly stylized shots with a sophisticated elegance that speaks as well as the acting. One thing is certain: the sparse dialogue does nothing to disrupt this superb film; if anything, it enhances the viewers dialogue when the credits roll. The plot revolves around Irene (Mulligan), who innocently begins a flirty friendship with her neighbor, the driver (Gosling). With the help of her loveable young son and a car ride involving REO Speedwagon’s “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore,” the chivalrous Gosling falls in love with the only stable thing he sees in his life as a getaway wheelman for small bit armed crooks and a Hollywood stunt driver. A terrible intersection comes when Irene’s husband comes home from prison with the very much alive ghosts from his past—ghosts who happen to be behind the ventures of Gosling’s employer (Cranston) and his stunt/drag-racing ventures. Albert Brooks and Ron Perlman perfect these underground lords of L.A. violence. It doesn’t need to be said that these are not the kind of guys whom you want to owe a debt. Rising up to his savior role, Gosling unwittingly drives full speed into turbulent betrayals and mayhem. With skill and polish, Drive delivers, with an ending worth discussing. Here’s to hoping Refn follows his original plan to turn this classic into a franchise.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

OCTOBER 5 – 11, 2011

Photos Courtesy: Jason Wolter

Local Entertainment

Denton’s Prolific Indie-Rock Band Deserves a Break

By Jack L. Pier jackleonardpier@gmail.com

Two years ago my friend Craig, who’s the road manager for the Drive-By Truckers, mentioned a local band from Denton that I should check out if I got the chance. He said they’d opened for DBT in the past and that they were one of his favorite bands. That’s saying a lot for a guy who’s been around the block as long as Craig has. So when I heard they were headlining with Sarah Jaffe at Dan’s Silverleaf on July 7th and opening for DBT at the Granada Theater on September 2nd – I made a point to be there… and I’m glad I did. After doing some research, I learned that Centro-Matic is one of the area’s most prolific bands and they have been at it for over fifteen years. Their latest record, Candidate Waltz, which was released on June 21st, has been touted as one of their best. Full of rich harmonies, layered guitars and catchy melodies; it has an indie-alternative edge, but also reminds you of classic rock songs we all grew up on. Frontman Will Johnson writes the songs, plays guitar and sings lead. Scott Danbom sings backup, plays piano and violin, while Matt Pence and Mark Hedman hold the rhythm section together on drums and bass, respectively. The gig at Dan’s Silverleaf in Denton, which, by the way, is one of my favorite venues, was very personal. You could tell that many of the people in the audience were long-time fans that had probably seen them play there many times over the years. One of my favorite songs, “All the Talkers” starts with a choppy riff then transcends into a mellow groove once the bridge arrives. On the bouncy “Iso-Residue,” Johnson sings of a letter he never got back, as the song ends with some very clever distortion on the guitars. They ended their set with the moody: “Only In My Double Mind” and came full circle, ending the encore with “Am I The Manager or Am I Not,” which is off their first album, 1995’s Redo The Stacks. It wasn’t a surprise to see Sarah Jaffe join them on stage for “No Matter What” – a Badfinger cover, as Scott Danbom plays keyboards for her band too. The Jaffe fans that left after her set missed a real treat!

The Granada Theater gig was just as impressive. More than just a warm-up act, they played a solid hour and turned a lot of heads, such as, when DBT frontman Patterson Hood joined them onstage for “Flashes and Cables” from their 2004 EP of the same name. Later that night, Scott Danbom sat in on DBT’s set, adding a barroom piano to the Eddie Hinton cover “Everybody Needs Love” and some wicked violin on the classic “Tornados.” Centro-Matic will be appearing on the main stage at the upcoming Dallas Observer Music Awards, Saturday, October 15th in Deep Ellum (starting at 6:00pm). This is sure to be a great show, with other local artists like The Toadies, Old 97’s and the aforementioned Sarah Jaffe. After the main stage shuts down at 10 o’clock, your $15 ticket will get you into seven other near-by venues: The Prophet Bar, The Door, La Grange, Trees, Club Dada, The Bone and Reno’s Chop Shop Saloon. What a great way to experience the Dallas music scene! I have to say this band really left its mark on me. The fact they haven’t made it big nationally is a mystery. I guess it’s that one big hit single has eluded them all these years, despite the vast library of great tunes they have. My friend Craig was right. This is one talented band. Let’s hope they get the break they need, they really deserve it. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

October 5 – 11, 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

Man world

Photo Courtesy: David Goodspeed

State Fair of Texas Auto Show (no coupons necessary)

From humble beginnings back in 1904 when a few steam, gas and electric-powered vehicles were displayed on the track before the horse races at the State Fair began is now what is considered to be one of the largest, longest running and most attended auto shows in the world. The State Fair of Texas Auto Show offers the latest cars, trucks and utility vehicles and runs the entire length of the fair (with a big emphasis on trucks). Best of all is that it is totally free to fairgoers (no coupons necessary). At this year’s fair, Ram Trucks is debuting its new, longer RamBox (capable of holding up to 280 12-ounce cans of your favorite beverage), expanded Express model availability on Crew and Quad Cab trucks, and new workhorse 1500 Tradesman Heavy Duty model that will haul and tow

more than any other half-ton pickup yet. Ford’s showing a trio of F-150 pickups being introduced to the U.S. along with some significant modelline upgrades that include a new two-speed automatic 4×4 system for Lariat, King Ranch and Platinum trim levels, a larger 36-gallon fuel tank for trucks with the EcoBoost twin-turbo V-6 engine, and the addition of Hill Start Assist that eliminates rollbacks when starting off from a stopped position on an incline. New trucks at the show includ the new 2012 Harley-Davidson F-150 (introduced this summer at the Sturgis rally) that is being offered in black or white paint schemes, a first for these limited-edition trucks. Also on the Ford stage is a new FX appearance package that offers a stealthy, flat-black accent look that is set off with black fenders and new flat-black 20-inch six-spoke wheels. Finishing off the look is a black-finished grille

By David Goodspeed dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com

and blacked-out headlamps. FX interior styling begins with black leather seating with red stitching, perforations and piping finished with monochrome dash and trim features. The biggest news for Ford at this year’s State Fair is the global unveil of an improved F-150 SVT Raptor. In addition to styling upgrades that include a new wheel design, unique bodyside graphic, and upgraded optional interior package with aluminum accents, the 2012 Raptor will come with a new Torsen torque-sensing front differential designed to significantly increase grip up front for serious off-pavement navigations. The new Raptor will also debut a segment-first off-road front camera system giving drivers a new and unique view of what’s happening in

front of their truck and should be particularly useful during low-speed crawling maneuvers. While much of the automotive news at the State Fair of Texas revolves around pickup trucks, Scion quietly snuck in the debut of its new 2012 xB Release Series 9.0 (xB RS 9.0) and xD Release Series 4.0 (xD RS 4.0) limited production models and

the two share the Scion stage with the recently released tC Release Series 7.0 (tC RS 7.0) coupe and the upcoming iQ ultra-sub-compact. SRT Brand President and CEO Ralph Gilles let some of the biggest news of the day slip as he leaked out an arrival timeline for the next Dodge Viper while speaking about his four new SRT products his team brought to the State Fair this year (300, Challenger, Charger, and Grand Cherokee). Gilles stated that lessons the SRT team has learned over the years in producing factory performance vehicles will be applied to the “new granddaddy of them all that will be coming soon, uh next Spring.” We…Can’t…Wait.

The Difference Between a Man and a Boy is the Price of his Toys! these are for sure to make your want list! Sharp Aquos 80-Inch LED LCD TV Cheer yourself up after that devastating Red Sox loss last week with a big ole’ TV. The largest LED LCD TV to date, the Sharp Aquos LC-80LE632U TV gives you 80-inches of viewing area (to watch anything other than the playoffs), a full HD 1080p X-Gen LCD panel, built-in Wi-Fi, and access to apps like Netflix, CinemaNow and VUDU. It’s also got a full array LED backlighting system that produces a crazy dynamic contrast ratio of 6,000,000:1, along with a blur-killing 120Hz Fine Motion Enhanced engine, all packed up into a 4-inch deep casing. Price: $5,500

Kindle Fire The Kindle Fire is Amazon’s answer to the iPad, featuring a one-handable 14.6 ounce design and a 7-inch color touchscreen that’s chemically-strengthened. It’s based around a cloud-accelerated Silk web browser, and features free storage in the Amazon Cloud, Whispersync, and a dual-core processor. The Fire has access to over 100,000 movies and TV shows from Amazon Instant Video, over 17,000,000 songs from Amazon MP3, over 1,000,000 Kindle books, and offers compatibility with popular Android apps and games. It ships on November 15th. Price: $200

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Console: PC, 360, PS3 Rating: M Developers: Relic Entertainment

also enjoy the multiplayer Annihilation and Seize Ground options, where you can either work together or seek and destroy. As far as graphics go, Space Marine is in a league of its own by bringing intricate sequences and compelling cinematography to the plate. However, to be fair, its teammates would have to be Gears of War and Halo respectively. The fact that the games vaguely resemble one another hardly takes away from what Space Marines has accomplished, which is making a totally kick ass game. Aside from the semi-annoying fact that beating the bosses on here should almost

By Cote Bailey comments@blitzweekly.com

Warhammer 40K Space Marine Ah space violence, the final frontier. As Captain Titus, you are the last hope against the invading Ork Horde, which threatens the civilization and liberties we all know and love. To you my good sir, all I have to say is lock & load. This third person shooterganza and melee combat fest is sure to please. Gameplay mostly goes like this: shoot, maim, obliterate, and repeat. You can

be an Olympic event due to the degree of difficulty and the amount time you spend trying to find similarities between SM and other games, you should still thoroughly enjoy the hell out of your time in front of the screen. Marvel at the smooth gameplay, look, and visuals. Remember to keep your eyes peeled for hidden gems throughout the game. Most importantly remember this is a unique experience, not Halo or Gears, you are Captain Titus, leader of the Ultramarines Second Company, and you have a mission to complete. We’re counting on you.

Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A: A trip without the kids! Q: What’s 40 feet long and smells like urine? A: The conga line at a nursing home.

67.5% OF CONS ARE REARRESTED Randall Lee Church, 46, was finally a free man, after serving 26 years in a Beeville, Texas prison unit for murder. Problem was the world had changed a lot since his incarceration in 1984. “Everything had gone fast forward without me,” Church told the San Antonio Express-News, adding, “I don’t know how to use computers or cell phones or the Internet.” That’s why he burned a house, so he could be happy, returning to prison to serve five years.

Birds of a Feather A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species. In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice. “Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?” “Well, your honor,” the hiker says, “it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

Libra September 23 – October 22 You are the artistic type and will have a difficult time with reality on Saturday. You will become depressed and go on an all night cooking rampage, making Jell-O. Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Paranoia has often gotten the better of you, in the past, but the past is exactly what it says it is: In the past. Don’t worry the future is no different! Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 You’ve encountered many hardships in the last couple of months, and things are starting to seem harder and harder…or is the Viagra finally working?

Blitz Funnys

arm in order to survive, Amos Wayne Richards, 64, decided to hike alone in that same Little Blue John Canyon of the Utah desert. But Richards had a different problem, on September 8, 2011. He broke a leg and had to crawl on his face for four days.

WELCOMED WITH PAIN Sept. 20, 2011 - Five visiting Chinese law enforcement dignitaries, touring Houston’s police academy, were honored by being allowed to join a driv31 HOURS SHORT, WIMP ing demonstration. Unfortunately, when With the popularity of the movie two patrol cars collided, it sent seven 127 Hours, based on the 2003 injured to local hospitals, including all true story of Aron Lee Ralstron, five dignitaries. a man forced to cut off his own

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Tough-guy Mars links up with Saturn and makes you be their b!tch. Enough said. Aquarius January 20 – February 18 On Friday you will be shocked to find yourself in bed with the person of your dreams. What will shock you more is that it is your father. Pisces February 19 – March 20 Strive for excellence since chances are you’ll do nothing of any merit this week.

Aries March 21 – April 19 You must be extremely careful for the next three weeks. Impetuousness is your main fault, these days, and you don’t even seem to realize it. Taurus April 20 – May 20 You have exactly 2 days, 6 hours, and 39 minutes until a life-changing event happens in your life. However, don’t slack off; you may screw things up more than they were, before. Gemini May 21 – June 21 You will spend your entire fortune and the fortunes of all of your relatives getting a business off of the ground.

ACROSS: 1. Begin 6. Identical 10. Head of hair 14. Pertaining to the Moon 15. Blue-green 16. Press laundry 17. Silly 18. Dry 19. Fortitude 20. Same backwards as forwards 22. It smells 23. Claim 24. Light rain 26. Tardy 30. Also 31. A browning of the skin 32. Astringent 33. After-bath powder 35. Therefore 39. Bullfighter 41. Not professional 43. A dense growth of bushes 44. A safety lamp 46. A unit of pressure 47. Sylvester or Garfield 49. Delivery vehicle

50. Concludes 51. Chastise 54. Distinctive flair 56. Verbal 57. Unconcerned 63. Murres 64. Seaweed 65. Unit of money in Libya 66. Civil wrong 67. Require 68. Foreword 69. Coastal raptor 70. Ripped 71. Wheezy DOWN: 1. Slide 2. Albacore or bluefin 3. A Freudian stage 4. Hindu princess 5. Tendency 6. The right side of a ship 7. Spray can 8. Hurt badly 9. Not the youngest 10. A Mediterranean woody annual

Cancer June 22 – July 22 Take care of yourself in all that you do, because you are going to need extra support in the time to come… Leo July 23 – August 22 You were abducted by aliens 3 days ago. They took out your brain, examined it, and decided that you were not intelligent enough for further experimentation. Virgo August 23 – September 22 You’re tired of the people at work treating you like a complete jack wagon, but upon further reflection, you have to admit they’re right. 11. It’s shot from a bow 12. Bing, bang or boom 13. Come in 21. Repeat an action or statement 25. Laugh 26. Young sheep 27. Winged 28. Ballet wear 29. Castrate 34. Procession 36. A gas found in some lights 37. Coagulated milk 38. Mistakes 40. East Indian tree 42. Indian grackle 45. Retaliator 48. Renter 51. Road 52. Mistake 53. Youngster (Scottish) 55. Low point 58. Margarine 59. Connects two points 60. ___ meridiem 61. An aromatic ointment 62. Helen’s city Solution on Page 18

Q: What is every blonde’s ambition in life? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

OCTOBER 5 – 11, 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

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October 5 – 11, 2011

The CLOSER

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

A Nice Tune to go Postal to...

True Blonde Ale Brewed by: Ska Brewing Company ABV: 5.3% The comic book style label showing a SKA/MOD blonde hottie on a scooter is the eye candy for this pale yellow brew. The scent is quite malty with notes of honey and a grain backbone. The taste is smooth and creamy with a medium body. The carbonation isn’t too strong and is easy to drink. It goes down very smooth.

Gurkha Spec Ops Double Corona Wrapper: Dominican Republic Binder: Indonesia Filler: Dominican Republic Strength: Medium-Full This cigar has character, full of complex flavors. Burnt toast flavors are revealed with hints of sweetness as the minty flavor subsides. To be fully appreciated, this cigar must be smoked completely.

Mixing Instructions: Done just like an Irish Car Bomb, pour the whiskey on top of the schnapps in a shot glass, and drop it into a pint of Pabst beer.

“’Pumped Up Kicks’ is one of those songs that blends something really familiar with something that’s very modern,” said the band’s vocalist, guitarist and keyboardist Mark Foster in an interview with Billboard magazine on www.songfacts.com. “It’s a song where you could lay on the couch and listen to it or you can get up and dance around the room to it.” If I had shed any disgust over the song’s lyrics my reaction would have been the equivalent of that scene in Easy A (2010) where despite calling Natasha Bedingfield’s “A Pocket Full of Sunshine” “the worst song ever!” Olive (Emma Stone) winds up singing it to herself several times one weekend while doing her nails and taking a shower. Trouble is I couldn’t find much proof while searching the Internet that the lyrics of “Pumped Up Kicks” had any connection to, nor did I find it to be about the December 2007 Westroads Mall shooting in Omaha, Nebraska where 19-yearold Robert Hawkins killed nine people including himself. The only connection I could find with this song is the person’s name mentioned in the lyrics with plans of going postal is “Robert.” “Pumped Up Kicks’ is about a kid that basically is losing his mind and is plotting revenge,” Foster told Spinner UK in a quote on spinner. com. “He’s an outcast. I feel like the youth in our culture are becoming more and more isolated. It’s kind of an epidemic. Instead of writing about

victims and some tragedy, I wanted to get into the killer’s mind, like Truman Capote did in In Cold Blood. I love to write about characters. That’s my style. I really like to get inside the heads of other people and try to walk in their shoes.” I suppose I would have felt differently if the group’s 2011 music video of the song, which boasts 24 million hits on YouTube’s VEVO channel, actually told a four-minute story about a kid plotting revenge. What is shown, however, are clips of the band members having fun in and out of the recording studio. The difference between the way I listen to music and what others might do is I listen to songs in hopes of being entertained. I don’t look up the lyrics from various bands to see if they are referencing drug use, sex and violence and then decide whether or not those songs are appropriate. Hearing people analyzing a hit song’s supposedly dark lyrics makes me want to repeat the comment that Nick, the cynical drug dealing character William Hurt played in The Big Chill (1983) said to his college buddy, Sam (Tom Berenger), while watching a movie. “You’re so analytical,” Nick says. “Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you.” Songs like “Pumped Up Kicks” don’t neces-

sarily influence some disturbed individual to go on a killing spree. Chances are the person harboring those thoughts was already screwed up mentally long before they ever heard the lyrics. To quote one woman’s comment I read on the Pumped Up Kicks Facebook page, which has over 11,000 likes on whether or not listening to this song will cause her to go off the deep end one day, she wrote, “I love it! No change in behavior yet :p.”

Rich White People Problems By Jesse Whitman jwhitman00@gmail.com

It’s so hard being Caucasian!

Dixie Car Bomb Ingredients: 1/2 oz Old Crow bourbon whiskey 1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps 15 oz Pabst lager

By Joe Stumpo www.darthstumpo.com

It’s not easy being white and rich. While some may consider having your penis chopped off and then getting sent to Auschwitz as the worst possible nightmare, things are also pretty bad for rich white folks as well. Imagine waking up with dry hair from being in the pool too long and then having no conditioner left. And then finding out that your Swiss bank accounts have to be liquidated because your stock options fell, which means that you’ll have to get rid of one of your SUVs and sell your summer mansion and replace it with a time-share! --Insert sound bite from Psycho---!!!!!!!! Here are some more terrible ways that white people are suffering:

1. White people dance badly even though they try really hard, resulting in the White Man’s Overbite (see photo). In fact, according to a study by the psychology department at Phoenix University, one’s inability to dance correlates with how early you get to a movie. The more punctual the less likely you can dance well. 2. It’s especially hard for rich white people when eating out on the town. First off, they often eat too much, which causes them to be exhausted. Plus, their salad had too much goat cheese and on top of that everybody expects them to pay for dinner just because they have a late model BMW. It’s so unfair.

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3. A rap career isn’t as likely. Being over-privileged doesn’t inspire the necessary angst of growing up in an oppressive ghetto slinging drugs and hos. For example, the white guy’s rapping on YouTube isn’t going to get much better than this: “It’s gettin’ real in the Whole Foods parking lot.” 4. White people also have a hard time at ATM machines. From their point of view, why should they have to choose at language? What BS. This is America! Damn all those Puerto Ricans and their Espaniolle. 5. It’s rough when rich white people are counting all their millions with their band of accountants, especially when they get a paper cut.

6. Rich white people also have a hard time with the neighbors. One San Francisco resident complained quite vehemently “the upstairs neighbor walks away from the sink while the faucet is running and then clumps loudly across the floor. And she doesn’t even have the decency to rinse out her recyclables! It’s ruining my life!” 7. Some rich white people have cushy office jobs where they only have a little bit of work and even their coffee mugs have their own sweaters. However, many office lackeys are suffering badly because YouTube has been blocked in many cubicles across the country, which prevents them from watching funny cat videos. A sad, sad day for many :(

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 5

OCTOBER 5 – 11, 2011

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