Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

VOL. 3 - ISSUE 8

NAKED MAN FOUND IN BUSINESS WATCHING PORN

BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: Arcade Fire – The Suburbs 5 Dallas Stars News 6 TCU/SMU Previews 7 Cowboys Previews 8 COVER STORY: Mavericks Season Preview Home Sweet Home-NBA Free Agents 9 Mavericks Season Preview 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Diana 12 UFC 121 Preview 13 Food Review: Celebration Restaurant 14 Rangers/Yankees ALCS Coverage 15 Blitz Toys 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: No More Dong Shots 18

Authorities say a man came back from lunch Thursday in Oklahoma City and discovered a naked man sitting at his desk, looking at pornography on his computer. Curtis Halberstadt was being held Tuesday on an indecent exposure complaint. Police say the employee told them he didn’t know the intruder and that the man didn’t work there. According to the report, when the employee asked him what he was doing there, the man said, “Cleaning and trying to make some money.” An Oklahoma County jailer says Halberstadt is being held on $2,000 bond. The jailer says records don’t indicate whether Halberstadt had retained an attorney.

PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER Cover Photography: Gregg Case Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Manny Flores, Craig Smith, Kris, The359 STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak and Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Joe Avezzano, Brian Beard, Jay Betsill, Kris Boudreau, Adam Bruster, Andrew J. Hewett, Ryan Maffei, Jonathan Sullivan ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029

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Photo Courtesy: Matt Pearce

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “…It wouldn’t have felt right to go somewhere else and start all over. I’m happy where I’m at.” —Dirk Nowitzki

PA. TEEN CRASHES INTO CENTER AFTER PASSING TEST

A teenager who just passed his driving test crashed into a state driver license center in western Pennsylvania. The accident happened Wednesday afternoon as the teen was trying to leave the parking lot of a driver license center in the Pittsburgh suburb of Bridgeville. Officials said at least three people were injured, but their injuries were not considered serious. Township police Sgt. Brian Halbleib told the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review that the accident happened when the teen pulled into the parking lot of the driver license center to drop off the man who had administered the test. Halbleib said the teen thought the car was in park but it wasn’t.

Andrew J. Hewett

www.chewednews.com

CELLS WITHIN CELLS

COULD I GET A TAPPER WITH MY SCHOOL LUNCH?

Elementary school students on a Lake Superior island were allowed to eat lunch at an unconventional location each day… Until their parents found out they were walking and skipping to the Bell Street Tavern. Superintendent Linda Kunelius said she solicited bids for the lunch program and the tavern was the low bidder at $5 per plate. Parents and teachers didn’t learn that their children at La Pointe Elementary would be eating lunch at a tavern until the day before school started. Parent School Association president Jen Croonberg-Murphy said most parents can’t get past the idea their children are eating lunch at a bar. The Daily Press of Ashland said the Bayfield School Board finally considered the matter this week and decided that for the short term, the tavern will deliver lunch to the school.

October 10, 2010, the Austin American-Statesman reported: “Texas (prison) officials estimated that more than 800 cellphones have been confiscated inside state prisons, compared to more than 900 during the same period last year, and more than 1,000 the year before,” admitting cellphone use among prisoners was still prevalent. In fact, the mother of one prisoner called the warden to complain that her son’s cellphone signal was too weak. “A little before then,” officials went on to say, “clogged sewer lines at a maximum-security prison near Houston were found to have been caused by smuggled cellphones flushed down cell toilets to avoid detection during a surprise inspection.”

THREE FAVORITE (ACTUAL) HEADLINES 1. 2. 3.

Floor Collapses at Weight Watchers Meeting - timesonline.co.uk Man Opts Jail Over New Year with Relatives - Reuters Police Expose Serial Flasher - Brisbane Times

AN ACTUAL AD POSTED ON CRAIGSLIST:

“My fiancé and I are getting married in June. He has eight groomsmen lined up, and I only have one bridesmaid. So I need some girls who are attractive and about my age to stand up in my wedding. You will have to be hot, but not more hot than me.”

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with Matt Damon

by: Vivian Fullerlove “Entertainment’s Real Critic”

Matt Damon has teamed up again with Clint Eastwood in Hereafter, a film centered on three people who are haunted by mortality in different ways. Damon plays George, a blue-collar American who has a special connection to the afterlife. On the other side of the world, a French journalist, has a near-death experience that shakes her reality. And when a London schoolboy loses the person closest to him, he desperately needs answers. The lives of these truth-seekers intersect and are forever changed by what they believe might—or must—exist in the hereafter. I sat down with Damon to talk about the film and working with the master, Mr. Eastwood.

Why does your character look at it as a curse? It is something that interferes with his ability to be intimate with anyone because of what he hears when he makes contact.

Tell us a little about your character in this movie. When you meet him, he’s just a guy who has this ability, but doesn’t want it because it’s ruining any chance to have a normal life.

How was it working with Clint Eastwood again? This part that I’m playing would take two months [to shoot] in another movie, but we mashed it into three weeks—somehow just fit everything in. It was great to be back [with him].

But other characters in the movie think that his ability and connection to the afterlife is a gift. My character’s brother wants to publicize George’s gift and make some money out of it. He tries to sell it to my character that it might somehow be a good thing to do, and doesn’t hear me when I tell him it’s ruining my life—more of a curse than a gift.

But your character does wind up making a connection with a young French woman… They’re two lonely people living in San Francisco, trying to meet someone. He’s just trying to have a normal life, and she’s just left Pittsburgh where she was stood up at the altar, trying to make a go of it somewhere else. You want them to get together and that’s how you’re hoping this story is going to go.

Hereafter opens nationwide this week. The film is rated PG-13 for mature thematic elements including disturbing disaster and accident images, and for brief strong language.

Jonathan Sullivan www.movietobo.com

It’s Kind of a Funny Story Written and directed by the duo behind indie hit Half Nelson, It’s Kind Of a Funny Story stars Keir Gilchrist as Craig, a depressed 16-year-old New Yorker who checks himself into a local psychiatric ward after almost deciding to commit suicide. With the teen ward closed down, he is mixed in with the adults, meeting and befriending Bobby (Zach Galifianakis), a longtime resident battling his own issues and falling for fellow teen patient Noelle (Emma Roberts). During these five days, he begins to discover what is really ailing him and to start on the path of change. Anyone who doubts the longevity of Zach Galifianakis once his Hangover shtick gets old should see this movie because this is the best work of his film career. As Bobby, he tones down the louder aspects of his on-screen persona and infuses it with depth and, dare I say it, heart. One particular scene, after he botches an interview with a group home, he has a meltdown that is both heartbreaking and impressive (impressive because I didn’t know Galifianakis had it in him). The rest of the cast also give great performances. Gilchrist is likeable and charming as the lead and Emma Roberts gives a far more decent supporting performance than you would expect if you’ve seen her Nickelodeon work. The

psychiatric ward that provides the setting is alive with quirky characters, all of whom get their moment in the sun, and all together bring the world to life (which is good, since the idea of a big happy family psych ward is hard to take in the beginning). On a technical level, Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck added little visual flares to keep the movie feeling fresh; one in particular, a dream sequence where the psych ward patients rock out to “Under Pressure” is not only my favorite scene of the movie, but one of my favorites for the year. If you ever felt depressed or unhinged during high school, It’s Kind Of A Funny Story will resonate with you. It’s got great characters, hilarious moments, and a great turn by Zach Galifianakis. There are some story issues here and there, but on the whole it’s an enjoyable and relatable experience. Do yourself a favor and see something a little different when you head to the multiplex this week; you may be surprised at what you find. 5 TOP GROSSING FILMS (WEEKEND OCT. 16-17, BOX OFFICE) 1) Jackass 3D.......................50.35 million 2) Red..................................21.76 million 3) The Social Network........10.32 million 4) Secretariat.........................9.32 million 5) Life As We Know It.........8.96 million

Arcade Fire – The Suburbs

4. Rococo

Arcade Fire – The Suburbs

5. The Well and the Lighthouse by: Ryan Maffei

If you haven’t heard Arcade Fire yet, you’re in danger of being out of touch. They’ve just released their third CD, The Suburbs, and are on the brink of the kind of ubiquity once offered to Radiohead back in the days before we knew what an Eminem was. But Radiohead were a pomo Pink Floyd at best, whereas Fire frontman Win Butler and his rotating cast of cohorts are more sumptuous than Springsteen, smart cookies keening and thrashing about Serious Issues in a gorgeous way that’s often worth not just hearing but exhausting, memorizing, getting lost in. Their debut album, Funeral, arrived in 2004, replete with dramatic choruses that didn’t repeat, and numbered song titles deliberately implying different sections of a suite. Funeral was impassioned, but Butler’s wails adorned material that was never unfailingly deep. Still, scores of disillusioned kids who couldn’t say it any better made it their album of the moment, and the Fire’s place in history was secured. You heard Funeral’s “Wake Up” in the trailer for the empty-headed Where the Wild Things Are remake, and that’s where its tracks will go to die when their time comes: to become trailer songs, Urban Outfitters muzak, fading trinkets adrift within decaying iPods. The plainness of thought in Funeral gave way to plain-spokenness in 2007’s Neon Bible, a rock symphony about the ravages of modern politics. Neon Bible works so well because it’s the only album where the Fire’s trademark uninhibited emotion is perfectly synced up with the moment they’re seeking to capture – it was a scary time, post-9/11, pre-Obama and recession, smack in the middle of Bush and war. When Butler warns of black waves whilst staring into his miroir noir, warns the love of his life to keep the car running just in case, warns his mind that his “body is a cage” that’s not to be trusted, you instantly understand how all of these fears are symptoms of a world where fear is the only abundant resource – and how beautiful resistance to the status quo can sound. “I don’t want to live in America no more,” the Canadian by way of the Houston sub-

“Perspectives On Music”

urbs warbles, but it’s not because America isn’t a great country; it isn’t safe enough to raise the daughter Butler wants with Régine Chassagne, his Haitian wife. The Suburbs is five tracks longer than usual and just as dour. Now the band is fighting the threat of nuclear war and the consequence of botched geopolitics: indifference, symbolized here by 70s sprawl (endless lines of uniform houses). Throughout The Suburbs’ hour-plus, said ’burbs are portrayed as a decent place to grow up and a complex, ill-intentioned machine. Butler is no stranger to the ambiguity that’s driving him crazy and he explores it with relish here. The trek through Butler’s hazy memory chamber feels more and more worth the trouble each time you take the trip. By now we’re all familiar with the trick of following a masterpiece with a quantity-vs.-quality move (cf. The White Album, Speakerboxxx/The Love Below, and many others). The band’s last two albums were far more carefully formed than this reverb-soaked ramble, which drags noticeably in spots. Throughout, the Fire seems to be deliberately tempering their famous flame; Butler’s encounters with suspicious cops, vampiric businessmen, and (great line) “kids on buses longing to be free” are never captured in the triumphant or tragic terms he usually uses to frame his lyrics. In Butler’s world, everybody’s caught in the same deadening ennui that keeps on getting him down. So we’re out of Neon Bible territory, where the music matches the subject matter, and back in Funeral, where a personal struggle is like a Sisyphean stone. This works best in the album’s opening track, “The Suburbs,” which edits a movie’s worth of meditative drama into five minutes of slow piano shuffle. It is reprised at the end, where its familiar brightness is quite welcome. One wonders if the album began with this song, and the band spent the next two or three years exploring its facets with the same sense of mystery and magic. At first, it might not seem like they succeeded. But like any suburban town, The Suburbs’ beauty is often subtle or hidden, and only becomes clear when you return.

Arcade Fire – Neon Bible

6. Wake Up

Arcade Fire – Funeral

7. My Body Is a Cage

Arcade Fire – Neon Bible

8. Modern Man

Arcade Fire – The Suburbs

9. No Cars Go

Arcade Fire – Neon Bible

10. Haiti

Arcade Fire – Funeral

Thur 10/21

Arcade Fire – Neon Bible

3. Ready to Start

The Church Lizard Lounge – Dallas Late night fun on a Thursday night if you are into the Industrial scene. Many DJs got their start here. If leather and latex is your thing then check it out.

Fri 10/22

Venomous Snakes of Texas The Heard Natural Science Museum – McKinney Several different rattlesnake species are on display in a cave-like setting. Take notes so that you know what to do at the annual Rattlesnake Round-Up in Sweetwater.

The King Bucks The Kessler Theater – Dallas You’ve read about them in the Blitz Weekly and now you have the opportunity to enjoy a live performance. A great show for fans of rockabilly, country, and honky-tonk styles of music.

Sat 10/23

2. Keep the Car Running

Wed 10/20

Freaker’s Ball – Rob Zombie, Alice Cooper, Murderdolls Verizon Theatre – Grand Prairie Get in the festive Halloween mood with these acts. Rob Zombie always puts on a great show and Alice Cooper should be credited with starting this genre of music.

Sun 10/24

Arcade Fire – The Suburbs

Bring Your Own Vinyl The Chat Room Pub – Ft. Worth Who needs DJ Hero 2 when you can spin for real! There’s an open turntable for doing your thing. Do us a favor and wear sunglasses. You can thank us later.

Mon 10/25

The Great Pumpkin Festival Dallas Arboretum – Dallas Start off the Halloween work week with this festival. They have a hay bale maze and pumpkins everywhere. It’s family friendly too, so bring the kids. Lastly, it’s affordable!

Tue 10/26

MUSIC: Arcade Fire Highlights 1. The Suburbs

Cutting Edge Haunted House – Ft. Worth Love haunted houses? So do we! Do it right though and visit the Cutting Edge Haunted House. Just like everything in Texas, it’s bigger. In fact it holds a Guinness World Record. Be prepared. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com

Stars Welcome Back Modano, ENJOY EARLY by: Tony Barone

The top line of Brad Richards, Loui Eriksson and James Neal had goals, Kari Lehtonen made 25 saves and Dallas beat the Detroit Red Wings 4-1 last week in Stars career scoring leader Mike Modano’s first game in Texas as a visiting player. “There was just a world of emotions and memories,” said Modano, who had two of his shots blocked, while another missed the net. “A lot of special things have gone on here. I was involved in the game from the ground floor, and helping to promote the game of hockey here in Texas. It was fun to play here.” In 20 seasons as the face of the Stars/ North Stars franchise, Modano had 557 goals and 1,359 points, most by a U.S.-born player in NHL history. The 40-year-old Modano was a free agent over the summer and, when the Stars didn’t offer him a contract, he signed a oneyear deal on August 5th with the Red Wings, his hometown team. Modano had never even been inside the visiting locker room during his 16 seasons in Dallas, but he knew where to find it. Modano is wearing No. 90, not his familiar No. 9 with the Stars. In Detroit, No. 9 will always belong to Gordie Howe, whose number was retired on March 12, 1972. “There’s no icon in sport who has moved on after 20-something years like Mike has,” former teammate Steve Ott said. “He deserves the amount of respect he has. To see him move on, it’s just different, because when you think of the Dallas Stars, you think of Mike Modano. He’s been a class act for so many years.” Brenden Morrow added his fourth goal in three games, and Richards and Mike Ribeiro had two assists each for the Stars in the home opener. “It was strange ... 20 years in Dallas and then in that uniform… It’s a little different to see him in the red and white,” Morrow said. “But you try not to think about it after a shift or two, concentrate on what you need to do.”

“The Senior Spots Authority”

Brad Richards, Loui Eriksson and Mike Ribeiro scored in Dallas’s perfect shootout and lifted the Stars to a comefrom-behind 3-2 victory over the St. Louis Blues on Saturday night. Lehtonen was outstanding, making 41 saves through overtime and stopping one of two shooters in the shootout. Only Brad Boyes scored against him in the tiebreaker. “Sometimes it’s this way,” Lehtonen said. “In the first game of the year, I wasn’t sharp. When one part is not doing well, another part helps out. I was able to make good saves, but the next night it might be another way.” Dallas (4-0), which overcame an early 2-0 deficit and was outshot 43-25, joined Toronto as the NHL’s only undefeated teams. It was the Stars’ second shootout victory this season. James Neal and Eriksson scored in regulation to rally the Stars after Patrik Berglund and Andy McDonald staked St. Louis to its first-period lead. “He was terrific, he gave us an opportunity to win,” Dallas coach Marc Crawford said of Lehtonen. “He was super all night. He made it look easy because he moved so well. He was making believers of the guys in front of him. They started to dig in a bit more.” Eriksson’s shootout goal was initially waved off, but a video review showed the puck sliding into the net under goalie Ty Conklin. Eriksson had scored the tying goal with 5:17 left in the second period, when he took a backhanded pass from behind the net from Richards and roofed a point-blank wrist shot over Conklin’s shoulder.t With Game 2 of baseball’s AL championship series being played in nearby Arlington, the announced crowd was 11,750. That is believed to be the lowest crowd for a Stars regular-season home game. The actual attendance was only about 7,000.

Photo Courtesy: Manny Flores, Matt Pearce

SEASON SUCCESS

Crossword Solution

by: Tony Barone – “The Senior Sports Authority”

Air Force vs. #4 TCU

Sat. Oct. 23 – 7PM – Amon Carter Stadium – CBS-C HD Frogs coach Gary Patterson decided to go for it on fourth down late in the game Saturday against BYU. Andy Dalton threw for a touchdown—his fourth of the game—instead of just going for a first down that would have kept the clock moving, so the first question for Patterson after the 31-3 victory was obvious. Style points? No, he said. And it wasn’t a casting call either. “Sometimes I think the whole ranking thing is like Days of our Lives,” Patterson said. The Frogs (7-0, 3-0 Mountain West) needed a little makeup with two minutes left in the half, leading just 3-0 before Dalton threw a pair of scoring passes. TCU’s defense narrowly missed its third consecutive shutout, settling instead for a touchdown-free stretch that is now almost 13 quarters long going into a showdown with Air Force. The Cougars had just 14 total yards in the first half but ended TCU’s shutout streak at 10 quarters. BYU finished with 147 total yards, the fourth time that TCU’s nation-leading defense held an opponent to less than 200 yards. Speaking of Air Force, the Falcons still rely on the option game and at times the offense is similar to the spread, they just don’t pass as often. Tim Jefferson is the quarterback under center and possesses ample talent. Look for the three-headed rushing attack to consist of Jefferson, TB Asher Clark and FB Jared Tew. The Falcons have a respectable defense which has only given up 27 points in each of their two losses.

by: Frank LaCosta - “College Football Fanatic”

MLB: Rangers vs. Yankees

Wed. October 20 – 3:07PM – Yankee Stadium – TBS Their first home playoff victory last Saturday guarantees the Texas Rangers a Game 5. They also broke a streak of 10 consecutive postseason losses to the Yankees. The Game 5 rematch between C.C. Sabathia and C.J. Wilson will be afternoon baseball at its finest. If C.J. can continue to step up his game then things will be looking up for the Rangers.

College Football: UCLA vs (1) Oregon

Thur. October 21 – 8PM – Autzen Stadium – ESPN A new week and a new number 1 team in the AP Poll. Is it a curse? Ask Alabama and Ohio State. Thursday night on the national stage the Oregon Ducks defend their ranking against a UCLA team still trying to find its identity. The high-powered Ducks offense will provide highlights and lots of scoring. If UCLA doesn’t get their ground game going it’ll be a long night for them.

NFL: Vikings vs. Packers

Sun. October 24 – 7:20PM – Lambeau Field – NBC Brett Favre returns to the hallowed ground of Lambeau Field for this match up in the “Norse” division against the Packers. The Vikings have deep threats Randy Moss and Percy Harvin to keep defenses honest. Adrian Peterson has big play potential every time he touches the ball. Jared Allen and the Vikings defense will be all over Packer QB Aaron Rodgers. The Packers have lost back-to-back overtime games and will be out for blood.

NFL: Giants vs. Cowboys

Photos Courtesy: Matt Pearce, Darryl Briggs

Houston vs. SMU

Sat. Oct. 23 – 2:30PM – Gerald Ford Stadium – CBS-C The Mustangs were handed their third loss of the season this past Saturday. They jumped out to a 14-0 halftime lead only to watch the Midshipmen take a 21-14 lead minutes into the fourth quarter. SMU tied it up at the 2:51 mark. Navy followed with a three-and-out and a punt. With two minutes left in the game Kyle Padron threw a costly interception which was returned to the SMU 13-yard-line. From there Navy rushed for the game winning touchdown. Padron passed for 254 yards and three TDs. WR Darius Johnson broke the century mark in receiving yards and scored a TD. WRs Cole Beasley and Aldrick Robinson had touchdown receptions as well. RB Zach Line had 15 carries for 83 yards. This week the Mustangs (4-3, 3-0 C-USA) take on their former SWC foe, the Houston Cougars. The Cougars still have a formidable passing game and have put up lots of points. They’re coming off back-to-back losses to Mississippi State and Rice. Starting QB Case Keenum is done for the year and freshman David Piland is at the helm. RB Bryce Beall is a threat to score every time he touches the ball. As for their receivers, Piland and WR Patrick Edwards hooked up last week nine times for 169 yards through the air and three touchdowns. WR James Cleveland caught eight passes for 80 yards. The Cougar defense is the weak link for the team as they have given up a minimum of 23 points in each game this season. This could end up being a shootout.

Mon. October 25 – 7:30PM – Cowboys Stadium – ESPN The Giants return to the stadium they broke in last season. With their early season woes behind them, they are playing great football, having won three straight. Their defense is wreaking havoc on opposing team’s quarterbacks. The Cowboys on the other hand are not living up to expectations and continue to shoot themselves in the foot. They are 1-4 but could easily be 5-0. Will the Cowboys circle the wagons and win this “make or break” game?

Dallas Polo Club

L E A R N T O P L AY P O L O NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG

C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1

by: Joe Avezzano “The Coach”

It’s been a broken record all year. The Cowboys moved the ball, the defense played pretty darn good, a lot of stats were impressive and they lost. Why? Turnovers, penalties and the kicking game again contributed to the 24-21 defeat by the Minnesota Vikings. Penalties - One of the league leaders in this category again showed how you can lose a game by penalties at the wrong time that can’t be overcome. Excessive celebration? After the devastating penalty against Tennessee, Roy Williams scores and Miles Austin decides to do a victory leap and draw another foul. Didn’t he get the memo? Hasn’t he been listening? Again Miles Austin scores on a 68-yard pass. Again he is called for offensive pass interference and the play is nullified. David Buehler kicks a kickoff out of bounds. On a 34-yard punt return by Dez Bryant, Alan Ball is called for obvious holding and a huge play gets nullified. Coaches don’t coach penalties. At some point players are responsible or the whole thing’s a mess and nothing is getting corrected. Turnovers - This time the Cowboys get one fumble but still give up two killer interceptions. Five interceptions in the last two games? Close games where mistakes are magnified? This is no way to win. Yards gained are nice but wins are better. Kicking Game - A consistent factor in losing ball games. A kickoff out of bounds, a penalty on a punt return and then, leading 14-7 at the half, the Cowboys allow a 95-yard kickoff return for a TD to start the second half. When a team returns a kick for a TD it wins about 80% of the time. This was the difference in the ball game. Since 1990 only five teams with a 1-4 record have made the playoffs. All five came back to win their division. A few weeks ago the NFC East, etc East looked weak, but the Giants and Eagles have picked up steam. The Cowboys play the Giants on Monday Night Football. If they lose, the worst year in Cowboy history (considering the talent) may be underway. Beat the Giants and there is legitimate hope for the season. This week we need a different story!

by: Jay Betsill “Man On the Inside”

The Dallas Cowboys 2009 season ended on the Mall of America Field at the Metrodome with a 34-3 loss as the offensive line faltered against the Minnesota Vikings front four and Tony Romo was unable to use the weapons in his arsenal. The 2010 edition of America’s Team also watched its season end in the Metrodome, but this year’s Cowboys (1-4) will not be heading off to play at Pebble Beach because while they can kiss their season goodbye, their schedule still has 11 games remaining. “Are we a 1-4 football team?” Cowboys receiver Roy Williams asked rhetorically. “No, but yes. We’re undefeated in these losses. The Cowboys are 4-0 [because] we beat ourselves. We beat ourselves in all of these losses.” The team that most experts predicted to win the NFC East now resides firmly in the cellar as it hosts the first place New York Giants for the “Lights! Camera! Action!” of Monday Night Football on ESPN. Meanwhile, the New York Giants kept winning in week six by taking advantage of mistakes made by the lowly Detroit Lions. Eli Manning threw two touchdown passes and the Giants (4-2) held on for their third straight victory with a 28-20 win. The Giants simply made fewer mistakes than the Lions, who had three turnovers and 11 penalties for 91 yards, including two that kept New York touchdown drives alive. The thought of the Cowboys’ inevitable penalties and turnovers must already gladden the hearts of Giants head coach Tom Coughlin and his staff. Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora had two sacks and two forced fumbles, giving him seven sacks and six forced fumbles in the last three games. One can only imagine his excitement at the opportunity to take on the Cowboys offensive line. The NFL went to a 12-team playoff format in 1990. In that time, 240 teams have qualified for the playoffs, with only five making it following a 1-4 start. It has not been done since Green Bay accomplished it in 2004 behind Brett Favre. Even if the Cowboys beat the Giants at Cowboys Stadium, it might be a case of too little, too late.

Photo Courtesy: Manny Flores

by: Kris Boudreau

“The Voice Out West”

Photo Courtesy: Matt Pearce

by: Geoff Case

“NBA Analyst”

GymEtiquettE by: Adam Bruster

Most people who exercise at a facility with others respect the equipment and other patrons. However, some do not, and they alienate others. Gym etiquette is hard to enforce because it is often an unwritten code of rules and common sense. But there are written rules that facilities post for their members. After years of experience in the fitness industry and exercise in many gyms, I have developed a list of do’s and don’ts regarding gym etiquette.

•

Respect others. Wipe off equipment. This is actually a posted rule at most gyms. It is disgusting and rude to leave sweat all over a piece of equipment that someone else is about to use. Wash your hands after using the restroom. Gyms are full of germs. Imagine how many people’s hands have touched that 45 pound bar that you use everyday! Ask for a spot when lifting heavy weight. It is embarrassing, and dangerous, to be the guy on a bench with the bar stuck on your chest. Ask an employee or other member for assistance and they will be happy to help. Rack weights in the proper place when finished. Someone has to put them up at the end of the night.

by: Brian Beard “Ultimate Fighter”

Don’t: •

Do: •

“Health Guru”

•

Use a bench or a step-up box as your personal coffee table. I frequently see people walk in, put their water, towel, bag, and notebook down on a workout bench, and then disappear to the other side of the gym. This is rude, especially during peak gym hours. Equipment is there to be utilized for exercise, not as a table. What if 50 people in the gym decided to do this at the same time? Take your stuff with you and put it on the ground. Turn up your ipod so loud that others hear it. You have the right to listen to what you want, but don’t force it on others. Slam weights or grunt. This is distracting and intimidating to most people. Many females have told me that this type of alpha male behavior is the reason they don’t use the weight room. Working out in a hardcore gym or football weight room is one thing, but most people are in a general fitness setting where there is no need to grunt or slam weights on the ground. Talk continuously on your cell phone while using the cardio equipment. This is distracting and discourteous to people who are close by. Can’t you abandon the phone for 30 minutes?

Finally, a word of general advice: consult a physician before beginning your exercise program. Now, go have a great workout, practice common courtesy, and be respectful to others in the gym!

Diego Sanchez (23-4-0) vs. Paulo Thiago (13-2-0):

Which Diego will show up? Sanchez looked to be on the path to becoming one of the best fighters in the world before dropping his last two fights. Given that he has lost to some pretty damn good fighters, this will be a pivotal fight in his career. If he loses his third straight he will be on his way out. He is not fighting a slouch either. Thiago is a very good submission fighter and is no stranger to going the distance and grinding out decisions. I think both fighters are evenly skilled but I see Diego having more in the gas tank due to his Stevia intake (youtube it b!tch). Diego will finish Paulo via TKO in the third. Watch for a great intro from Sanchez!

Jake Shields (25-4-1) vs. Martin Kampmann (17-3-0):

Shields makes his long awaited UFC debut and he will have his work cut out for him. Kampmann is a raw cat and always comes to fight. He will be the more well-rounded fighter, being good on his feet. There is no doubt Shields will want this fight on the ground where Kampmann is no slouch, but make no mistake, this is Shields’s world. He has outstanding BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu), has been known to choke a mofo and has not lost a fight in the last six years. He recently beat Dan Henderson (former Pride champ) in a decision, proving he can last five rounds with a very dangerous fighter. I don’t see this going the distance. Give me Shields via eye popping, rear naked choke in the first!

Brock Lesnar

(5-1-0) vs. Cain Velasquez (8-0-0): There will be a lot of muscle and testosterone in this main event match up! These two cats are phenomenal wrestlers and awesome athletes. This is a tough fight to call but I’ll give it to you raw. C*ck Chestner (see tattoo on Brock’s chest) will be able to overpower Velasquez if they tie up and throw him around like a little b!tch. On the flip side, Cain will have the advantage when separated on their feet. If he can catch Brock, he has a great chance. I still say Brock wins by all-out meathead domination. Second round TKO in brutal fashion. I really think Lesnar’s ridiculously aggressive flat-top will be the difference here.

Presented By: The Gym • 921 West Mayfield #112 • Arlington, Texas 817-652-1555 • www.thegym.org

by: Richard S. Pollak

“The Traveling Gourmet”

C E L E B R AT I O N RESTAURANT Dallas’s Best Destination For Family-Style Celebrations Going On 40 Years

I had my first Dallas dining experience over 30 years ago at Celebration on Lovers Lane. As the family-style concept is about to celebrate its own 40th anniversary, the menu, service and ambience here haven’t changed over the years. Today Celebration is still the best restaurant in Dallas to celebrate a special occasion family-style. The meal always starts with their never-empty bowl of house mixed greens with red cabbage, carrots, cherry tomatoes and cucumbers. On the side, we always ask for more and more cucumbers, homemade croutons and green goddess or house vinaigrette. The endless basket of jalapeno corn bread, bran and blueberry muffins were “divine,” according to my wife. With your entrée, you could also choose to start with a fresh fruit salad, watermelon slices, fresh tomatoes with pesto and mozzarella or one of the rotating lists of freshly made soups. Your entrée can be never-ending as well, since your server will keep bringing out more and more of your selection. You can even choose to have another entrée instead from their wide variety, “as long as the price is of equal or less value.” While the highly recommended “Chicken-Fried Chicken” is the most popular entrée on the menu, selling about 300 orders per week, the rest of the entrées are all wonderful. From the sea, Celebration catches fresh salmon (prepared two ways), rainbow trout and grilled or fried catfish. From the grazing lands of Texas, beef at Celebration is slow-cooked for pot roast, magnificent in meat loaf, and the Black Angus sirloin is prepared chicken-fried style, breaded and covered in homemade gravy. Of course

Celebration Restaurant 4503 West Lovers Lane Dallas - 75209 PH: 214-351-5681 www.celebrationrestaurant.com their tender, center-cut pork chops are grilled. Their chicken is prepared lightly seasoned with herbs, Jamaican-style or rosemary roasted but my all- time favorite entrée is the Chicken St. Caroline, served grilled or fried with melted mozzarella and a white wine, mushroom sauce. I could eat at least four portions if not for the delicious, family-style side vegetables. Each night, a different selection of four vegetables is brought to your table in family bowl portions. The freshest roasted two-color corn, broccoli, black-eyed peas and hand-whipped, red-skinned mashed potatoes were our choices that evening. Folks call ahead to find out which vegetables are available and can then get on the waiting list before they leave home. That’s right—they don’t take reservations at Celebration. Yet celebrities walk in with the rest of Dallas. Once years ago at Celebration I met the late New York Yankees Hall-of-Famer Mickey Mantle in the bar with his son Mickey Mantle Jr. In 2000, Celebration took over the empty house next door on Lovers Lane and opened their market, featuring takehome salads, side dishes and entrées by the pound. Their world-famous King Ranch casserole is just one of the seven casseroles and lasagnas that they sell in serving sizes for from two people to 12. Individual boxed dinners include your choice of entrée, two sides and bread for only $7.95 to $12.95 each. With one of the top catering companies in the DFW area, Celebration can bring the entire home-cooking, family-style dining experience to your front door. It would be impossible for a restaurant today to try and duplicate the Celebration success. Yes, many have tried to serve the vegetables in a bowl for the whole table, but it is owner Ed Lowe’s tenacity in providing attentive, thoughtful customer service that has made his restaurant the best Dallas destination for a family celebration for 40 years.

by: Frank LaCosta

Photos Courtesy: Craig Smith

Baseball fans have heard the adage: “good pitching beats good hitting.” With three games in the books for this year’s ALCS, that adage has held true. Lineups for the New York Yankees and Texas Rangers are both chock full of good hitters. At the end of the regular season the Yankees ranked 1st in runs and on-base percentage, 3rd in slugging percentage and 8th in batting average. The Rangers ranked 1st in batting average, 5th in runs, 6th in on-base percentage and 9th in slugging percentage. Let’s take a look at the pitching staffs of the two teams. As a team, the Yankees were ranked 12th in WHIP, 15th in ERA and 21st in quality starts. The Rangers were 11th in WHIP, 10th in ERA and 25th in quality starts. This is what makes this ALCS so interesting. Take these stats and throw them out. In each of the first three ALCS games it has come down to either starting pitching or the bullpen for these respective teams. Game 1 – The Texas Rangers, fresh from their first postseason series victory in team history, hosted their first ALCS playoff series. Mighty CC Sabathia was roughed up in the first inning by a Josh Hamilton 3-run shot. By the end of the 4th inning Michael Young would add a 2-run double to deep right center, ending Sabathia’s night. Things looked good for Texas with a 5-0 lead. The fans were in a festive mood chanting “Yankees Suck”! C.J. Wilson had a dominating performance even with a Robinson Cano solo shot in the top of the 7th. The Yankee bullpen had done their job by not allowing any runs to cross the plate. Then Brett Gardner beat Wilson to first base with a heroic head-first slide to lead off the top of the 8th inning. Jeter followed with a double and Gardner scored. C.J. Wilson was pulled and the Ranger bullpen meltdown ensued. There was no more chanting. By the end of the inning the Yankees had taken a 6-5 lead that closer Mariano Rivera would save. It’s a tale of two starting pitchers and two bullpens. The Rangers bullpen let the team down. First game jitters?

“Baseball Fanatic”

Game 2 – The Rangers did not have much time to sulk from their Friday night loss as Saturday’s early game time had them front and center. The Yankees had Phil Hughes on the mound and the Rangers tagged him for seven runs and he too lasted only four innings. The Rangers started Colby Lewis who fared better, giving up only two runs over five innings. He left with a 7-2 lead. However with another five-run lead the Ranger bullpen did their job as no additional runs crossed the plate. Texas had won their first playoff game at home. Texas’s starting pitching and their bullpen outplayed the Yankees hitters. Game 3 – The ALCS headed north to Yankee Stadium where the two teams battled during primetime. The Yankees sent Andy Pettitte to the mound with his “most playoff victories in history” to give them home-field advantage. Pettitte lasted seven innings and pitched quite well. His only mistake was a two-run jack in the 1st inning by…you guessed it, Josh Hamilton. Pettitte was outdueled by Cliff Lee who pitched a gem as well. Lee went eight innings only giving up two hits and a walk. The game would end with a Rangers 8-0 victory. The Yankees bullpen let them down as they gave up six runs in less than inning’s worth of work. By the time you read this, the Rangers will either possess a commanding 3-1 series lead or will be tied up at 2-2 with the Yankees. Game 5 on Wednesday will be a rematch between CC Sabathia and C.J. Wilson. Don’t expect the Sabathia performance to be as poor as it was in Game 1. And it is unlikely that Wilson will baffle Yankee hitters as much as he did in his previous outing. If there is a Game 6 on Friday it’ll be interesting to see if Ron Washington asks Cliff Lee to start on short rest. Yankee skipper Joe Girardi must have this in the back of his mind as well. A rematch with Pettitte would be another epic battle that could lead to a Game 7 and a trip to the World Series for the winner.

If you’re wondering what the word “surround” is doing in the name of a phone, and guessed it might have something to do with speakers, you’d be right. The HTC 7 Surround will be the company’s first Windows Phone 7 device bound for AT&T, and packing a 1GHz Snapdragon processor, a 3.8-inch WVGA display, 8GB of internal storage, 576 MB or RAM, a standard 3.5mm headphone jack, a 5-megapixel camera with flash and 720p HD video recording, Dolby Mobile and SRS surround sound, slide-out stereo speakers, and, like it or not, Microsoft’s new tile-obsessed smartphone OS. Price - $200

Is your Marshmallow Mforcer or Executive Elite Marshmallow Blaster simply not getting the job done? Step up to the Chewbacca-approved Marshmallow Crossbow. This double-barreled office weapon holds up to 50 mini-marshmallows at a time, letting you perform rapid-fire assaults on your co-workers from up to 30 feet away. Stay Puft-branded bandolier not included. Price - $36

More than 40 years after its debut, the Boss is back. The 2012 Ford Mustang Boss 302 pays homage to the classic ‘69 model with its signature C-stripe, centered Pony tri-bar badge on the grille, and unique badging, but brings it up to date with modern components like a 440horsepower Hi-Po 302 4V Ti-VCT V8 engine, adjustable front and rear shocks, quad exhausts, Brembo brakes, and an optional Laguna Seca package that removes the rear seat to add a stabilizer brace, adds a performance-oriented tri-gauge package to the top of the dash, and includes a front air-splitter that isn’t exactly street legal — as Ford’s site dedicated to the beast isn’t shy about reminding you. Price - TBA

by: Jesse Whitman

You’ve seen them before, you might even be one of them. Save your friends, your family, and yourself by not committing any of these fashion suicides. Yes, I know you’re a man and have better things to do than fuss over details like those prissy, high-maintenance metrosexuals, but certain things should never be done. Take a quick note and listen up:

Photos Courtesy: Kris, The359

The Man Bob - I thought the man bob was relegated to pretentious foreign film directors or 15-yearolds who don’t know any better, but the man bob is making a comeback in the general population. It’s easy to spot: straight hair all one length that reaches just above the neck. It’s a girly bob on a man. It just looks silly so don’t do it. Dad Jeans - If you want your jeans to scream “I’m forty-five to sixty-five and have three kids!” then these stonewashed relics you bought back in 1995 are for you. I know, it’s hard being cool, but worth it if you want to stay and feel young. But the worst is dad jeans and the jean button-up shirt—paging Jay Leno. You might as well take those jeans and make a noose out of them. Ponytail or Mullet with a Bald Head First of all, it looks ridiculous. The bald head is bad enough, but a scraggly strip of hair barely hanging on? What’s the point? Just chop it off. I know you’re thinking, well, it’s more hair than you had, but come

“A Woman’s Perspective”

on. A real man would just say to hell with it and shave his whole head. Birkenstocks with Socks - I know it’s supercomfortable but so are flannel muumuus and you don’t see me sporting those out in public. Also offensive are jeans and a nice shirt only to wreck the whole outfit with some flip-flops and a visor. Make things easy on yourself and just write “I’m a douche” on your forehead. The Ugly Christmas Sweater - It’s actually kind of sweet when you wear the one you got from your Aunt Beatrice for Christmas, but if you’ve been hanging onto that thing all year and then dig it out of its closet-coffin when it starts getting cold, you should prepare another coffin for your dying fashion sense. Truck Nuts - Have you seen these anatomically correct balls hanging from tailgates? I have, and let’s just say I’ve had some awkward moments with my little innocent nieces and nephews. The irony of truck nuts can’t be overstated. Men put these on their trucks to show that they have some “balls,” that they’re macho and have nerves of steel, when in fact these truck nuts are the most blatantly homoerotic thing to go public since Ricky Martin. The owners of Truck Nutz must be laughing their a$$es off! They have them in black, silver, cotton candy pink, and some even light up.

JOKES

HORRORSCOPES

FUNNIES

Q: What’s safer: a redhead or a piranha? A: The piranha. They only attack in schools. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can’t understand. Q: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead just bought a car. Which one drives it first? A: None, they’re all in the kitchen. Q: How did Pinocchio discover that he was made of wood? A: His right hand caught fire.

Money For The Dead A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.” They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

ACROSS: 1. A wealthy man 6. First aid attendant 11. By way of 14. Cognizant 15. Armadillo 16. Commercials 17. Inquirer 19. Floral necklace 20. Spermal fluid 21. Water nymph (Greek mythology) 23. A useful or valuable quality 26. Handgrip 27. The social science of relationships 31. Robalo (fish) 32. Came up 33. Deplete 36. Kick 37. Balderdash 38. Puncture 39. Clever 40. Clan 41. French for “Room” 42. Statesmanlike 44. Sharp piercing cry 47. Wheezy

48. Tropical vine 49. Lying facedown 53. Conclude 54. Rescue 59. Bigheadedness 60. Not tight 61. Run off to marry 62. Barbie’s beau 63. Aromatic compound 64. Not a credit DOWN: 1. Wood fastener 2. Barley bristle 3. A club or stick used in baseball 4. Refinable rock 5. Amok 6. Hurt badly 7. Sword 8. Sunrise 9. Outrage 10. Mass murder 11. Legitimate 12. Archetype 13. Comment to the audience 18. Disallow 22. No particular one 23. Cancel

24. Expressionless 25. Fired a weapon 26. A flexible tube 27. Vipers 28. City in France 29. Small African antelope 30. Ran 33. Not liquid 34. Calm 35. Rind 37. Arduous journey 38. Despise 40. Foot lever 41. Smiled contemptuously 42. Brooch 43. Sea eagle 44. Streamlined 45. Flexible joint 46. Radioactive gas 49. A secret scheme 50. Ascend 51. Not under 52. Red vegetable 55. Goddess of the dawn (Greek mythology) 56. Beer 57. Slang for “Head” 58. Consumer Price Index

NO MORE DONG SHOTS by: Pat Moran

“Man on His Throne”

All right, I’ve had enough. I’m issuing an ultimatum: No more news stories about athlete’s dong photos. I mean, really? Brett Favre’s infamous penchant for sending lower level employees photos of his nuts is really not news. It’s ridiculous and pretty damn gross. More importantly, I really don’t want to hear people talk about a 41-year-old’s d!ck. I have always been a big fan of sports blogs, especially the sort that take a hilariously critical view of the sporting world (e.g. Deadspin, Sport by Brooks and Fire Joe Morgan) but the latest in a seemingly never-ending line of athlete cellphone dong photos is too much. Hell, it’s almost impossible to watch Brett Favre play football, let alone have to hear about how he can’t pick up chicks without a certain type of screen shot. I mean, HE’S BRETT FAVRE! It really shouldn’t be that hard to get laid, right? One would think he wouldn’t have to resort to a unique camera angle (regardless of the fact that the man is a married grandfather...) But we don’t need to know about it. It’s a sad and pathetic part of an old man’s life and we don’t need to hear about it. It’s disgusting (sort of like the way he plays football)…