Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

December 14 – 20, 2011

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

December 14 – 20, 2011

SPORTS NEWS

Tricks of the Trade

SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Must See TV 3 Cowboys Lose Division Lead 5 Better But Not There Yet 5 Mavs News 6 Stars News 7 Cover Story 2011 Holiday Gift Guide Tab! You’re It! 8 The Joystick – Holiday Gifts 8 Gifts For The Filthy Rich 10 Not-So-Filthy Rich Gifts! 11 Gifts For Her 12 We’d Rather Get Coal 12 Some Better Ideas 12 Blitz babe of the week Kat 13 Restaurant Review Pho Colonial 14 BLITZ Entertainment Seven Things In Seven Days 14 Hollywood Profile 15 Movie Review 15 2012 Nissan Juke 16 Forever Lazy 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 2011’s Biggest Losers 18 2-Minute Drill 18 Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor C. Patterson Graphic Designer: Damien William Mayfield Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor Judy Chamberlain Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

STAFF WRITERS Hannah Allen, Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, David Goodspeed, Jack E. Jett, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Keith Allison, Jeffrey Beall, Jake N. Brown, Alaina Buzas, Dominic Ceraldi, Bart Fields, David Goodspeed, Buri Khalifa, Eric Leuthardt, Matthew Lynch, Rick Payette, James D. Smith, Jason Wolter, FTPP, Gnome, Little Maiba, Paul CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Joe Avezzano, Cote Bailey, Jay Betsill, Sonny Capps, Andrew J. Hewett, Keysha Hogan, Ash Lee, Johnny Reeves, Tommy Smith, Joe Stumpo, Jonathan Sullivan

BLITZ Weekly

P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2011 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

According to dirty-south hip hop rappers T.I., Mullage and Gucci Mane, “It ain’t trickin’ if you got it.” And apparently the Dallas Mavericks have plenty of it, because they have just brought a Kardashian-sized plague upon DFW. Lamar Odom will be leaving Los Angeles and joining Dirk and the boys as a Dallas Maverick, in a run for back to back championships. As of Saturday night, the Chris Paul raffle came to a close after the Lakers suddenly withdrew after 24 hours of failed attempts to assemble a three-team deal with the New Orleans Hornets and Houston Rockets. Of course, that was only if the great and powerful Commissioner Stern approved. The Lakers were poised to bring Chris Paul on board, and this seismic shift would have tilted the scales of the NBA too much for Stern’s taste. L.A. needed a guard like Paul that can beat opponents off the dribble, turn the corner and lead them into a postKobe era. And from here, the deal made with the Hornets was fair and square and then the NBA squashed it. Unfortunately, this whole mess ties back to the broken negotiations during the long lockout months. League owners failed to properly address one of their major issues. Bigwig players, like Paul, will

By Keysha Hogan @TheKeysha still be able to jump ship from small market teams to get to the large flashy franchises. Because of this oversight, Stern felt that he had to crush this trade, even though the Hornets stood to benefit as well. The new collective bargaining agreement hardly addresses the way the league operates when it comes to securing positions for big stars in small and

medium sized markets. As for DFW, bringing in Odom seems like an exciting comeback to owner Mark Cuban’s decision to release Tyson Chandler into free agency. Last season he was named 6th Man of the Year after averaging 14.4 points and 8.7 rebounds. And his meager salary of millions will still allow Cuban to have a meaningful amount of salary-cap space for the summer of 2012. There’s even more good news about Odom. He can support Nowitzki by freeing

MUST SEE TV NCAA: Temple vs. Wyoming

Sat. December 17 – 1:00PM – University Stadium – ESPN

The first bowl game of the season is always a memorable one. Temple has a rushing attack that puts a lot of pressure on defenses. RB Bernard Pierce busted out with 25 rushing TDs and 1,381 yards on the ground. Passing isn’t a strong suit for the Owls. The Wyoming Cowboys are a little more balanced. It all comes down to Wyoming’s run defense.

him to play more small forward if the new guys, Corey Brewer and Rudy Fernandez, have a tough time. He is also capable enough to guard some of the league’s inferior centers like he did for Team USA at the 2010 World Championships. The downfall will ultimately be the baggage he brings with him. The Kardashian-trifecta of Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney will be skulking around the Galleria in bug-eyed sunglasses. But with any luck, Dallas’ ladies who lunch won’t tolerate the pomp and circumstance that follow the sisters’ every move. Maverick fans are likely to be just as blunt as Cowboy’s fans, just ask Jessica Simpson. She was a Dallas native and the second Tony Romo’s game started slipping fans mocked that relationship into the graveyard. So far, the NBA is still having trouble adjusting to the new collective bargaining agreement and the overreaching orders of Commissioner Stern. But under the time crunch to end the beleaguered lockout, there were far too many issues that fell through the cracks. Seeing opportunity in chaos is one way Cuban built his empire. Although this years championship win is not an absolute given for the Mavericks, you can rest assured that Cuban still has some tricks up his sleeve.

Dallas Polo Club

L E A R N T O P L AY P O L O NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG

C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1

@badbanana Tim Siedell

I’m glad the Founding Fathers aren’t alive today because the last thing we need are more old people driving around on the roads.

S av i n g y o u f r o m c a r pa l T H UM B s y m p t o m s !

NFL: Patriots vs. Broncos

Sun. December 18 – 3:15PM – Sports Authority Field - CBS

Tom Brady versus Tim Tebow. Old school versus new school. Brady might be synonymous with success over the years but Tebow is the new kid in town turning heads with his unorthodox style of football. Somehow, some way Tebow finds ways to win. Beware though Bill Belichick has a week to prepare and will invent some new schemes! Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

December 14 – 20, 2011

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

December 14 – 20, 2011

COWBOYS Cowboys Lose Division Lead

By Jay Betsill @thefamousjay The Dallas Cowboys (7-6) dropped their second consecutive game in dramatic fashion as rookie kicker Dan Bailey’s game-tying field goal attempt was blocked by Jason Pierre-Paul. The New York Giants (7-6) appeared headed to another setback when they were trailing 34-22 before QB Eli Manning led them to two touchdowns in the final 3:14 and put them back in control of the NFC East following a four-game losing streak. With three weeks left, the Cowboys and Giants are tied atop the NFC East. By virtue of their third-straight victory at Cowboys Stadium, New York has the inside track and will host Dallas in a season-ending rematch on New Year’s Day at the Meadowlands. “This is huge, another fourth quarter comeback,” Manning said. “Last week we had something similar and couldn’t hold onto it. This week we held on and

got the win. Now we know we have a tough road ahead of us. It’s going to come down to the final weeks to win games.” The bad news for the Cowboys was that the defense gave up 510 yards – including 400 to Eli Manning through the air – to the Giants. The really bad news for Dallas was running back DeMarco Murray breaking his right ankle, ending his record-setting rookie season. Murray finished his rookie campaign with 899 yards, with a franchise-record 253 coming in the one game against the St. Louis Rams. On the offensive side, Tony Romo was 21 of 31 for 321 yards with four touchdowns, two in the fourth quarter. Laurent Robinson caught four passes for 137 yards and a touchdown, with a 74-yarder. Miles Austin, who’d missed the previous six weeks with a hamstring

injury, caught four passes for 63 yards with a touchdown. Dez Bryant was quiet for most of the night before hauling in a wide-open 50-yard touchdown that put Dallas up by 12 in the fourth. With Murray on the shelf, Felix Jones ran for 106 yards, and caught six passes for 31 yards. “This one’s going to hurt,” Romo said. “It’s going to sting, but we’ve got to figure out how to do things a little better and play our best game of the season next week.” Next week will come on a short week as the Cowboys travel to Florida to battle the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (49) on Saturday night at 7:20 for the NFL Network game. The Bucs are coming off a miserable performance that featured seven turnovers and a dozen penalties in a 41-14 loss to the lowly Jacksonville Jaguars. In what would be

Upcoming Schedule: 9/11 @ NY Jets 24-27 loss 9/18 @ SF 27-24 win 9/26 Washington 18-16 win 10/2 Detroit 30-34 loss 10/9 Bye 10/16 @ New England 16-20 loss 10/23 St. Louis 34-7 win 10/30 @ Philadelphia 7-34 loss 11/6 Seattle 23-13 win 11/13 Buffalo 44-7 win 11/20 @ Washington 27-24 win 11/24 Miami 20-19 win 12/4 @ Arizona 13-19 loss 12/11 NY Giants 34-37 loss 12/17 @ Tampa Bay 7:20pm 12/24 Philadelphia 3:15pm 1/1 @ NY Giants Noon

their seventh consecutive loss, quarterback Josh Freeman, back after missing last week’s game against Carolina due to an injured throwing shoulder, threw two interceptions and fumbled near the goal line. He completed 16 of 30 passes for 181 yards and was benched late in favor of Josh Johnson. Wide receiver Preston Parker’s day was nearly as bad as Freeman’s as he fumbled two punts and had a brutal penalty that led to Freeman’s goal line fumble. The Bucs “Keystone Kops” offense may be just what the Cowboys secondary needs to get back on track with games remaining at home against Philadelphia and on the road at the New York Giants. “This is Football 101 stuff,” Bucs veteran cornerback Ronde Barber said.

“It’s frustrating. It’s happening every week. Turnovers, you’ve got to hold on to the football. It’s hard to win a game with seven turnovers. Everybody’s frustrated.” At a time when they are supposed to be fighting for the job of Coach Raheem Morris, Tampa Bay has been outscored 79-33 in the past two weeks by Carolina and Jacksonville. After two excruciating losses, a victory against the Bucs is paramount to the Cowboys season if they have any hopes of reaching the playoffs.

Cowboys – Better But Not There Yet There is no question that the Cowboys are a better team than they were last year and are still in the hunt for postseason play. There is also no question that they are heading in the right direction. And there is no question that they are not quite there yet. Their being ahead by 12 with a little over three minutes left in the game and end up losing to the New York Giants 37-34. In what was a heck of a game to watch and each side had its good and bad moments the bottom line was that every aspect of the game had its contributions to losing this game. The offense is hard to fault in this game as 34 points is normally plenty to win most any game in the NFL. Romo threw for 321 yards and 4 TDs with no interceptions. And mixed in with the terrible loss of DeMarco Murray for the season with a fractured ankle was the excellent performance by Felix Jones as he rushed for over 100 yards. Yet included in that performance was a fumble just before the half that gave the Giants three points, which by the way was the deciding margin. The offensive line provided room for a good ground game and for most of the night adequate protection for Romo. Adequate protection is relative to Romo’s ability to move in the pocket. Without his mobility this team has major issues up front.

By Joe Avezzano www.hattricksdallas.com

Doug Free is having way too many problems at left tackle. His penalties and issues with getting beat makes me believe in the offseason you could easily see Tyron Smith switched to left tackle. Offensively this team has the capabilities to be successful and against the Giants produced enough to win. Defensively this team is not adequate to make the move to the upper echelon teams right now. Why? In this game it was the combination of not much pressure on Eli Manning, who threw for 400 yards, and getting exposed in the secondary when there was no pressure. When the defense is operating on all cylinders it has done some good work, but in this big moment it could not produce. Again Ware and Spencer did not bother Manning much and Newman and Scandrick were exposed in coverage. The safeties disappeared and the main playmaker continues to be Sean Lee. Now the Giants have

talent at wide receiver and Manning is having a wonderful year, but when you have a 12-point lead with a little over three minutes to play you are supposed to close the deal. The kicking game has had its ups and downs over the course of the season but here again a crucial field goal was missed at a crucial time. Two 49-yarders were made which was excellent but a 48-yarder was missed to tie and go to overtime. This finish was brought about by a 35-yard punt that gave the Giants the ability to move downfield for the winning drive. Matt McBriar is an excellent punter. He has not been an excellent punter since his injury. He is still hurt and will probably not regain his true form until next year. Coming into this game I was concerned

about the Giants ability to score and the type of season Manning is having. It does not surprise me that they were able to do this to the Cowboys but it is another reminder that just maybe this Cowboy team is not ready for prime time. In order to accomplish anything in the postseason they probably have to win out. That’s not easy to do. Doable, yes but a three game win streak is not feasible right now with this team. They better hurry and get ready for Tampa Bay who is not a very good football team. But if the Cowboys don’t rebound quickly then Tampa Bay will present more of a challenge then they should. Joe Avezzano can be heard Tuesday nights at 7pm on 95.3FM and on all Cowboy postgame shows on 105.3 The Fan. He can be seen on Channel 21 on Wednesday nights at 7:30pm. Join him for great food, sports, music and his TV show on Wednesday nights.

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December 14 – 20, 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

MAVS Mavs wheeling and dealing

The Dallas Mavericks have been as active as any team during the opening day of free agency. However, it hasn’t been resigning the guys the Mavericks just won a championship with like everyone assumed. Fans were shocked when they simply let Tyson Chandler, Caron Butler, J.J. Barea and Deshawn Stevenson walk out the door. Mark Cuban had to go on the local Ben and Skin sports radio show to explain to fans that under the new CBA the Mavericks will have to be salary cap conscious. In the past, Cuban would agree to take on additional payroll to acquire talent. That strategy, which was a huge advantage in the Cuban era, only works to handcuff a franchise by reducing its options to make moves. There are now real penalties for large market teams overspending on their rosters. The Mavericks moves this off-season are indicative of that philosophy. They are trying to maximize every dollar of their salary cap. The Mavericks simply can’t overpay guys like in the past and have to ask that some of their young talent to fill in the holes left by the departures. The loss of Chandler means Brendan Haywood is stepping into the starting center spot, backed up by Ian Mahinmi. The hope is Roddy Beaubois steps into the reserve backcourt role that Barea starred in. Let’s take a look at a couple of the Mavs most recent moves: Lamar Odom I love this pick-up from a basketball standpoint and it only cost the Mavericks a 2012 first-round draft pick and an $8.9-million trade exception. They are welcoming the current NBA Sixth Man of the Year and a guy with championship pedigree in Odom without giving up any players that remain from the championship team. He’s a great locker room guy by everyone’s account even though he likely brings a Kardashian reality show around the team. It gives the Mavs a very athletic and versatile player. Odom can play anything from the 3-5 positions and will shoulder some of the scoring load from Nowitzki. Lamar Odom was a huge part of the Lakers championship roster and he remains a valuable trade asset if a superVisit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

By Geoff Case gcase@blitzweekly.com

Upcoming Schedule: 12/25 Heat 1:30 p.m. 12/26 Nuggets 7:30 p.m. 12/29 @Thunder 7:00 p.m. 12/30 Raptors 7:30 p.m. 1/1 @T-Wolves 6:00 p.m. 1/2 Thunder 7:30 p.m. 1/4 Suns 7:30 p.m.

star suddenly emerges on the market. Vince Carter Vince Carter signed a three year contract on Monday night. I’m not a huge fan of this move; Carter posted career low numbers last season with Steve Nash on his roster. (When does that happen?) There might be some chemistry with Jason Kidd left over from their days in New Jersey but not likely. The Mavs are log jammed at the two guard position so I’ll stay neutral on the signing for right now. We all know that Vince Carter’s best days are far behind him and I’d rather have Dominique Jones and Roddy Beaubois getting minutes than Carter launching ill-advised threes. The Mavericks championship roster is getting a major overhaul as the Mavs adjust their business model on and off the court. They are still putting it together but overall the Mavericks front office has been cutting cap while keeping a competitive roster so it appears to be working. However, I don’t believe this is a championship team yet but there is still more moves that will be made. “The makeup of the team is probably going to be a little different, but that’s just the business of basketball,” guard Jason Kidd said. “That happens, but we still believe we can win. We’re going to work extremely hard and take pride in being a champion and trying to protect our championship.” While the remaining guys seem upbeat and optimistic about their chances, the harsh and sad reality is that Mavericks won’t be able to defend that title with the same guys like teams in the past. Make no mistake; there was a culture change in the Mavericks organization when the new CBA was signed. The Mavericks will now have to win with their brains and not just their wallet.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

December 14 – 20, 2011

STARS Stars Surviving Road Trip

The Dallas Stars are in the middle of a road trip, which started in California and will end in New Jersey at the end of the week. The Stars were throttled by the San Jose Sharks 5-2 to begin the road trip, in a game where they found themselves behind 2-0 after a little more than one minute into the game. Even after clawing their way back to tie the game on a Brenden Morrow power play goal at 6:30 of the second period, the Sharks reeled off three unanswered goals before the end of the period to seal the game. Rookie goalie Richard Bachman replaced Andrew Raycroft in the third period, and made 12 saves in his second NHL appearance. That led Stars Coach Glen Gulutzan to give Bachman the nod in net against the Los Angeles Kings later in the week. “We wanted to get him in on a game here on this trip. We thought with a few days rest we’ll give him an honest look,” said Gulutzan. “We told him last night he was going to go. He’s played a year for me and I have confidence in him. It will be a good start for him.” Bachman, a fourth round draft pick and the 120th overall pick in 2006, made the most of his first NHL start, stopping 26 of 27 shots to lead the Stars to a 2-1 victory over the Los Angeles Kings. “It was exciting. When the final buzzer goes off there’s a sigh of relief, especially in a tight game like that,” said the 24-year-old Bachman. “It’s fun, it’s exciting. You always dream about getting that first win. It’s a dream come true.” In what was expected to be a contentious

By Tony Barone tbarone@blitzweekly.com

Upcoming Schedule: 12/15 @Islanders 6:00 p.m. 12/16 @Devil’s 7:00 p.m. 12/19 Ducks 7:00 p.m. 12/21 Flyers 6:30 p.m. 12/23 Predators 7:30 p.m. 12/26 @Blues 6:30 p.m. 12/29 Blue Jackets 7:30 p.m.

issue, the NHL board of governors last week voted 26-4 to approve switching to a four conference format. NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman spelled out the pros and cons of the new setup to the team owners, and they needed only about one hour to pass their first realignment since 1998. Under the new plan, which could take effect as early as next year, sixteen teams will continue to make the playoffs, four from each conference. In the first round, the No. 4 seed in each conference will play the No. 1 seed and the No. 2 seed will play the No. 3 seed. Then, the winners will play. General managers at their spring meeting, according to Bettman, will decide how the teams will be seeded after conference champions are crowned. Under the new scheduling scheme, teams in seven-team conferences will play each other six times, and eight-team conferences will play their conference rivals five or six times. The new format, which replaces a two-conference, six division setup, also includes the guarantee that every team will play every other team at least twice a season. The Stars will play in an eight team conference with Chicago, Columbus, Detroit, Minnesota, Nashville, St Louis, and Nashville.

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December 14 – 20, 2011

We all are aware of iPad’s dominance in the tablet market, but here are some other really cool devices to pass around the Christmas tree this holiday season.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1

Amazon Kindle Fire

Nook Color

Toshiba Thrive

What it’ll cost you:

Around $600

Around $200

Around $450

Perfect gift for:

The anti-Apple nerd.

Member of the “It” crowd

The bookworm

The gadget hound

Why:

Accurate, awesome, and Android. The Galaxy tab is the pesky arch-nemesis to all Apple owners.

Able to keep you connected with every single shred of media imaginable (apps, web, movies, TV, books, and music)

Access to 2.5 million books and magazines, apps, and soon to be home of Netflix and Hulu Plus (hopefully).

Its got cameras, long battery life, and an eye-popping screen. Basically, Toshiba makes a tablet that’s hard to put down.

Screen:

10.1”

7”

10.1”

Operating System:

Android

Amazon modified Android

Android

Android / Honeycomb

Storage:

1GB(RAM) 16/32/64GB

8GB

8GB (expandable up to 32GB)

16/32/64GB

Weight:

565g

413g

448g

727g

Connectivity:

Wi-fi / 3G / 4G

Wi-fi

Picture Perfect:

Back & Front Camera

No Camera

Front & Back Camera

Buying gifts for a gamer during the holiday season can be a strenuous process. They’ve already bought most of the games that interest them, and no one wants to spend sixty dollars on a game that they’re just not sure they’ll enjoy. This is where you, the proverbial Santa Claus, can deliver a cup of Christmas cheer to the gamer on your list. If they’re a shooter fan, Battlefield 3 and Modern Warfare 3 should be at the top of the list. While they’re both FPSs, they’re very different games. The former focuses on tactics, while the latter is pure adrenaline. For the puzzle master suffering from Rubix’s Complex with a thirst for critical thinking, two gems are available: Portal 2 and Catherine. Valve has built upon 2009’s Portal to craft an intricate, puzzle-solving adventure with plenty of dry comedy to go along. Catherine is more of a traditional, block-stacking puzzle game with an animated storyline that raises some rather interesting

By Ashly Anderson www.almostnerdy.com

questions about relationships. Sandbox games don’t appeal to all gamers, but the unfortunate number of people that overlook them in favor of a strict set of rules and guidelines leaves them missing out on some of the best games of the year. Bethesda’s The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, aside from being one of the biggest games on any system to date, gives the player a wide assortment of things to do, and they can even postpone the main quest line

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at their leisure. Saints Row: The Third, however, is a little different. Wildly over the top and full of quirky humor, this shooter allows you to do just about anything you want in order to cause chaos and wreak havoc across the city of Steelport. However, games are not the only things that can warm a gamer’s heart. The PSN, Xbox Live Marketplace, and the Wii Store all have myriad offerings, from classic games to indie delights. Peripherals are

also a welcome addition to any set up, with many companies pumping out new (slightly improved) headsets and controllers. Turtle Beach, well known for their assorted varieties of headsets, has something that can fit any and every budget. Whether money is a big concern or you’re making it rain, the extensive range of equipment from Turtle Beach will win you big points. One thing that I cannot stress enough is how important it is, es-

pecially during the holiday season, to do your research. You’ve heard me say it before. Several retailers such as GameStop and Wal-Mart (and even online distributors such as GOG.com and Steam) have a daily deal, which offers a specific game at a huge discount. If you’re not interested in the game that’s being offered that day, check around at other sites, or wait until later in the week. You’re bound to find something for everyone on your list. Most importantly, remember that it’s a season of giving. If you can’t afford to dish out for something expensive, don’t worry. Sometimes the biggest gifts come in the smallest of packages. It’s the thought that counts.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

December 14 – 20, 2011

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December 14 – 20, 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

By Jay Betsill - @thefamousjay

Los Angeles Dodgers - Due to the ineptitude of current ownership led by Frank McCourt that landed the team in bankruptcy court, the third most valuable team in Major League Baseball (behind only the Yankees and Red Sox) is available. Forbes values the team at $800 million, but it is possible the price tag could swell to over $1 billion due to MLB taking bids for this iconic franchise. You may need to get a couple of your richest friends to throw in, but it would certainly make for a cool conversation starter at the elite Beverly Hills parties you would suddenly be on the list to attend. Price - $800 million+ New Orleans Hornets - The NBA franchise in the Crescent City was mired in over $100 million of debt, losing money and borrowing funds from the league to meet payroll when the league purchased the team for $310 million. According to Forbes, the team would fetch ‘only $280 million’ in an arms-length transaction. If you are a bored billionaire, there are few better ways show off to your friends and to land on the cover of Time magazine than to purchase a pro sports franchise for a ‘bargain’ price compared to the Dodgers. Price - $280 million Ritz Carlton Residences Uptown Dallas After you have purchased your own pro sports franchise, it is important to maintain the Dallas residence for tax purposes, and while Dallas has no shortage of hi-rise luxury condos, the Residences at the Ritz Carlton have no peer. Amenities will include a wine tasting room, an on the premises signature restaurant (Fearing’s at The Ritz-Carlton), an outdoor resort-style swimming pool, full service spa and fitness center, doorman, valet parking, 24-hour concierge, room service and more. Price - $1 million+

Dancing Fountains from Wet - The company behind some of the world’s most famous fountains including The Fountains of Bellagio and the world’s largest fountain, The Dubai Fountain, will bring its magical waterworks to private residences. What better way to decorate your own personal estate than a breathtaking WET display? Price - $1 million Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

2 Super Bowl XLVI Tickets - Sunday February 5, 2012 at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis will be the chance to see the NFL’s championship game. While it is unknown who will be playing in the big game, it is certain to be the biggest spectacle of 2012 (assuming the world does not come to an end!). Price - $2,597 to $14,207 Armani Hotel Presidential Suite in Milan - A great way to spend a luxurious evening away from Big D in the heart of Milan, Italy. The Armani Hotel Milano draws a ton of inspiration from the design brand itself. A night in the presidential suite here sets you back by about $13,500 and the hotel itself is located above the designer brand’s boutiques while sporting 95 rooms in all. Price - $13,500 Beovison 4 85-inch Plasma - The first full HD screen with 3D designed to give customers the ultimate TV experience. Not only does the BeoVision 4-85 plasma panel qualify as ‘Full HD’, which means razor sharp details, rich, lifelike colors and smooth movement of objects on the screen; it is also Bang & Olufsen’s first TV concept that includes 3D technology using active shutter glasses. Price - $85,000

Diamond Covered iPad - For do-it-yourselfers who want to bedazzle their own iPads, Camael Diamonds will customize your gazilliondollar iPad with the gems of your choice. This will require 1 kilo of 18 carat gold and 300 carats worth of perfect diamonds. Price - $1.2 million 2012 Ferrari FF Bespoke - This ride features a 7-speed, dual-clutch transmission for seamless automatic shifting, 0 to 60 mph in less than 3.7 seconds with a top speed of over 200 mph. The price tag includes enrollment in the 2012 Ferrari Winter Driving Experience in Aspen, Colorado. Price - $395,000

Photos Courtesy: Jake N. Brown, Keith Allison, Bart Fields, Burj Khalifa, Little Maiba, www.extravaganzi.com, Camael Diamonds, www.tecluv.com

What do you do when the phrase ‘money is no object’ actually applies to you? The creators of the new TNT series Dallas have already contacted you to appear as yourself in an episode to be filmed inside Jerry Jones’ Owners’ Suite at Cowboys Stadium. You do not have to worry about getting courtside seats to Mavs games because you already have season tickets on the floor. Ladies throw themselves at you like you were George Clooney. But you still need a Christmas wish list to go over while teeing it up at Dallas National Golf Club. Here are a few suggestions:

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

December 14 – 20, 2011

By Cote Bailey - blitzweekly.com Ladies here are our picks for the gifts that your man wants to see under the tree (kudos to you if you can get the Jeep under the tree) this year. These gifts almost guarantee extra mistletoe action later on that night. Happy shopping.

William Henry B06 Shooting Star Damascus, Gold and Meteorite Folding Knife Some Guy: Hey that’s a nice knife buddy! You: Oh this old thing, it was a Christmas present from my wife. It’s just a 3 billion-year-old crystalline metal from outer space with a 24k gold inlay and braided leather lanyard with metal beads. Booyah. ($1,750.00) Batman: Prey The graphic novel that inspired the script of 2012’s The Dark Knight Rises, Prey, is a full of vivid illustrations and makes for one badass conversation piece on the coffee table. And no it isn’t a comic book; it’s a graphic novel – big difference. ($89.99)

Jeep Wrangler Call of Duty MW3 Edition Prove to everyone at the traffic light that your guy is one nerd not to be messed with. This Jeep oozes machismo nearly to the point of it practically mandating him to stand on the hood and beat his chest like Kong at every stop sign. ($36, 495) Dripping Springs Vodka Make sure the holidays stay merry and have him unwrap the gift of distilled quality. Dripping Springs will have your jingle bells rocking all night long... guarnateed. ($20)

Life-Size Chuck Norris Wall Decal What could be better than walking into your home and seeing a life-sized Chuck on your wall? Nothing. Ever. ($99) 89 Rescue Tool with Cable Cutter If Macgyver had this bad boy I assure you episodes would have been a lot shorter. This handheld survival mechanism comes with hardened cutting edges that can shear through soft metal, a Spanner Wrench, a pry, and an unmatchable coolness factor. ($55.28)

Saddleback Classic Leather Messenger Bag If you’re going to get him a “man bag” (more affectionately referred to as a “murse”) get one a little more Indiana Jones and a little less Zoolander. That’s where Saddleback sets in with this manly carrier made of 100% thick full grain boot leather and it can quickly convert into a backpack – you know, for when his friends come around. ($347.99)

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December 14 – 20, 2011

Cartier Trinity Ring I’m guessing it won’t be a Silent Night if she opens up this object of infinite splendor on Christmas morning. And by our calculations it should buy you at least three nights out with the fellas, one missed birthday, and forgiveness for leaving little Timmy out in a thunderstorm when you forget to pick him up from soccer practice. ($1,500)

New Balance Minimus Now be cautious when buying this gift (i.e. make sure your lady friend is into physical fitness) otherwise you risk hearing the dreaded “Are you trying to say I’m fat?” But if she’s into working out this is the ultimate in comfortable footwear. She’ll love them. ($100)

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

Sephora Gift Card Ever heard of the expression, “Like a kid in a candy store?” Well, it was actually said as an observation of the first woman that walked into Sephora. Let her unwrap the gift of beauty and you may just get the gift of boot…er…nevermind. (up to you)

Prada Sunglasses Allow her to channel her inner Jackie-O with vintage Prada frames. This gift makes you a winner in two ways 1) it shows you have style and 2) you don’t mind spending a bit to make her smile. ($245)

Keys to Your Place Probably the best gift of all (other than an engagement ring – which will soon follow) keys to your pad will show her that this won’t be the last Christmas you two will spend together. Expect tears. (priceless)

Guys do yourselves a favor and go through our list thoroughly; heck you may even want to buy more than one. Bonus points count.

By Johnny Reeves & Robin George comments@blitzweekly.com

Ladies, though they say “it’s the thought that counts” please don’t even think about getting us anything on this list. Should you decide to forgo our warnings remember Valentine’s Day is a just around the corner… Old Spice I don’t care what the dude in the commercial with the Komodo Dragon riding a horse backwards says no one wants to smell like a pirate – ever in the history of the world – not even real pirates. Now That’s What I Call Music! 1-1 Billion The day will never come when your male significant other will turn to you and say, “Pop in Now That’s What I Call Music! 103 and put it on track 6, that’s my jam!” and if he does time for a new male significant other. The Shake Weight for Men Quite possibly the most effeminate male-marketed exercise tool, this “shake” will definitely not bring all the girls to the yard. It will possibly make all the girls cross the street and laugh at him hysterically. Nose Hair Trimmer Nothing says I love you like, “Quick Sasquatch run to the bathroom and relinquish your nostrils of that booger afro!” That is unless it’s payback for that subscription to Jenny Craig that we got you for your birthday. Nothing Now this nothing isn’t just regular old nothing, this nothing is prepackaged supremely engineering by uber a*sholes into a perfect sphere – Nothing. If you are a bad enough wife/girlfriend/mistress/ friend with benefits to give this gift to someone I hope your grandma really does get run over by a reindeer. Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Behringer Inuke Boom “Why, yes, that is an iPhone docked on top of that sideways refrigerator. Would you like to hear it? Okay, just stand way, way, way over there, because the 10,000 Watts being pumped out by the Behringer iNuke Boom— no, it’s not really a fridge, and I heard that every time someone says ‘nuke’ and ‘fridge’ in the same sentence, an Ewok dies — are likely to bust your eardrums. What’s that? You’d like to take it outside? Well good luck, pal — it weighs 700 pounds. Why don’t we just turn it up louder, and run to the door before the song starts? Sounds like a plan.” Price: $30,000

Clinique Skin Supplies for Men Stop the effects of Old Father Time right in their tracks by giving the gift of face hydration and anti-aging defense to that special man on your list. Use the expertise of CLINIQUE to help recapture the days of youth with their 100% fragrance free line of men’s skin products. The only down side to having him look younger is all the hotties that will now be mistaking him for Brad Pitt, but it could be worse, if you don’t get it for him people could mistake him for Regis...your choice. Price: $15-30 each

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

December 14 – 20, 2011

Blitz babe of the week

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December 14 – 20, 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

Restaurant review

Pho Colonial phee phy PHO phum......

By Judy Chamberlain jchamberlain@blitzweekly.com Pho Colonial calls itself an “authentic Vietnamese diner,” but it more closely resembles a coffee shop. Tucked into an unassuming strip mall like many Dallas-area restaurants, the North Dallas location of Pho Colonial features a walkup counter with a huge facsimile of a menu on display for takeout and in-house orders. Place your order, and it will be brought to your table or put into “to go” packaging. I’ve dined at this restaurant several times, and the food is great. The service is friendly and offers varying degrees of hospitality, depending upon whom you encounter. One night, the chef came out to answer questions about sauces and flavorings and could not have been nicer. That same night, the waiter was a darling. On a previous visit, the service was friendly but lopsided. Pho Colonial certainly doesn’t have the airs of a fine dining establishment - but at these prices, who cares? Translated, “these prices” means it is entirely possible to dine fantastically well here for less than $30 a person. I guess it’s possible that pretty much everything here is marinated in varying amounts of lemon grass, which suits me just fine. I especially like the chef’s handcrafted little dumplings, steamed bits of something akin to wonton wrappers filled with a mixture of pork, shrimp, carrots, daikon and both yellow and green onions. The dumplings are so good, that I can easily eat two orders of them while waiting for my entrée. Tiny egg rolls are also flavorful; they’re filled with the same pork and shrimp mixture, then fried and served with lettuce leaves with which to wrap them.

Order both, and mix and match the sauces, one of simple soy and seasonings, the other a lovely fish sauce made with squid stock, chili flakes, lemon juice, garlic, soy sauce and some sort of chili paste. The sauces may not come with your entrée, but they go well with everything on the menu, so ask your server not to take them away. Pho Colonial’s cuisine is a delicate fusion of Vietnamese and European flavors and techniques. While the menu offers the requisite pho, bun and bánh mi, the chef’s art is on finer display here in the specialty wok dishes. Try the twice-cooked sea salt shrimp or sesame chicken breast. I applaud Pho Colonial for its use of excellent, extremely fresh ingredients in most of what is cooked here, although the use of imitation crab in the menu’s three pork broth-based hu tieu offerings is disappointing. Also disappointing is the lack of desserts. After a meal as good as what Pho Colonial is capable of turning out, it would be nice to have something sweet to wind down with while enjoying a Vietnamese coffee. It’s a small point, but a distinct part of the paucity of charm that keeps Pho Colonial from being one of the best restaurants on the local dining scene. The restaurant evidently does a huge business, including lots of take out in the neighborhood. On one of my visits, the manager’s response to my request that the extremely loud

music be turned down - in what had become an empty restaurant because it was very close to closing time - was, “we just served 150 dinners and nobody’s ever complained before.” Oh well, nobody’s perfect. And this is a restaurant that beckons one back again and again, despite its flaws. The dumplings alone are worth the trip. Pho Colonial 4727 Frankford Road Suite 409 Dallas, TX 75287 (972) 267-7466 www.phocolonial.com Mon-Sun 11 am - 10 pm Photos Courtesy: Paul, Jason Wolter, Alaina Buzas, FTPP, Gnome, Keith Allison, Dominic Ceraldi, Rick Payette

WED. 12/14

Art for a Cause Rahr and Sons – Fort Worth Here’s one way to drink beer, meet people and support a couple of great causes, Meals on Wheels, and the Humane Society of North Texas. Share the holiday cheer at 5pm.

thurs. 12/15

Duke’s Office Christmas Party Duke’s Roadhouse – Addison Office Chair races, ugly sweater contest, $5 appetizers and $1 drinks…this Christmas party is going to get wild. Get ready to laugh ‘til it hurts starting at 5pm.

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fri. 12/16

Second City Dysfunctional Holiday Revue Dee & Charles Wyly Theatre – Dallas Comedy Alma-Mater of Tina Fey, Stephen Colbert, John Belushi, Chris Farley and pretty much every other person you have ever laughed at will be here in DFW. Be there. 7:30pm.

sat. 12/17

Bob Seger American Airlines Center – Dallas Let’s all get hammered on some Jack Daniel’s enhanced egg nog, stroll on down to the AAC, and sing that “Old Time Rock’n Roll” for old times sake. We love you Bob! 7:30pm.

sun. 12/18

Mavs vs. Thunder American Airlines Center – Dallas Yeah, you read that correctly…basketball is back. And we need you in the house when our world champion Mavs engage in a pre-season skirmish with the Thunder. 6:30pm.

mon. 12/19

Stars vs. Ducks American Airlines Center – Dallas Let’s face it; Stars have this one in the bag. The Ducks haven’t been good since Emilio coached them. But go out and show your love for the home team anyway. 7pm.

tues. 12/20

Les Misérables Winspear Opera House – Dallas The masterpiece of Victor Hugo comes to life as one of the most loved musicals of all time – just ask Jerry Seinfeld. Get the song “Master of the House” stuck in your head at 8pm.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

December 14 – 20, 2011

HollywoodProfile History is full of famous crime fighting duos...Batman & Robin, The Lone Ranger and Tonto, but none of them have quite the flair of those 19th century super sleuths Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson. The two have paired up again in the latest Holmes’ installment A Game of Shadows joining forces to outwit their fiercest adversary Professor Moriarty. I sat down with Robert Downey, Jr. to talk about with new film and working with now good friend Jude Law for the second time around. We haven’t seen Sherlock in a couple of years. What’s he been up to? He’s just kind of been doing a lot of research, snoopage, of course. His dear fellow Watson has moved on with a real life of sorts, and all of that, and I think Holmes has just done what he said he was going to do. He’s reopened the case on Moriarity, and he’s probably wondering if and how Irene (“the woman” Holmes greatly admires who is played by lovely Rachel McAdams) is going to be caught up in that web of deception. So, I think he’s really quite concerned and takes it seriously. What makes Moriarity such a wonderful villain? I’d hand it to author Conan Doyle in that Moriarity is referred to so often, and it’s like

By Vivian Fullerlove vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com he’s given authority by the way others describe him and the after effects you see him have on other people; so, it’s very dramatically kind of fun. You see all the people dropping like flies as a result of the fact that this force of nature has been in their midst. It’s kind of the first super villain in modern literature, and it also must be an incredibly fun role to play because by the time you show up everyone’s kind of mortified by what you’re going to be like. Jared Harris plays your arch nemesis Moriarity. What was it like working with him? I liked that he wasn’t twirling a mustache and doing endless monologues that give away everything that was cruel about him by saying what his plan is. He never tells me he’s going to kill me then leave me there with a way to get out. I also think that what we were able to do was make him Holmes’ so we really had to have someone I could go toe-to-toe with and enjoy that challenge and that was Jared. And you were reunited with Jude Law as your faithful sidekick Watson. What has this film done for your personal relationship with Jude? I feel about Jude the way Sherlock feels about John. I love the guy like brothers. The funny thing too is we have a very gen-

tlemanly relationship with each other where we kind of show up and set up shop and work our a**es off and tear through fights and work through scenes and have this incredibly close relationship and then like trained actors you turn it off in the end of the day and go back to your life and come back in the morning and do it all over again. There’s very much this sense of he and I are like roommates in this big trial because it’s always a bear getting through all of the different crucibles that it takes to try and get something like this right; so, I just couldn’t ask for a better partner. What can folks expect from this film? I believe that like a good Sherlock Holmes tale you kind of are wondering where it’s all going to wind up and you’re pleasantly surprised when you find out. Again, I think a lot of reading a great story happens in your head and you’re kind of developing the imagery obviously we take care of that somewhat but I think it’s really got a good sense of fun. Its got a good heart to it, and it’s kind of emotionally weighty and it think it’s probably the closest thing to a real Conan Doyle Holmes vs. Moriarity story that’s been depicted yet; so, that makes me particularly proud.

You can check out all the action of Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows when it opens nationwide in theatres this week. The film is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, and some drug material.

The Sitter

By Jonathan Sullivan jonathanpsullivan.wordpress.com

with Robert Downey Jr.

The Sitter stars Jonah Hill as Noah, a guy who’s recently been kicked out of college for the semester and has spent the ensuing time getting arrested and living off the generosity of his mother. Hard up for cash he’s coaxed into babysitting three children for the night: Slater (Max Records), a 13-year-old with anxiety issues, Blithe (Landry Bender), a 10-year-old who dreams of being a celebrity, and the adopted Rodrigo (Kevin Hernandez) who has an obsession with cherry bombs and sparklers. What is already a stressful situation gets worse when Noah’s pseudo-girlfriend Marisa (Ari Greynor) convinces him to head into the city, buy her cocaine, and then go to a party so they can finally have sex. As you would expect, the night gets crazier from there and soon Noah and the kids have run afoul of a bipolar drug dealer named Karl (Sam Rockwell). The “one night turns into chaos” story has been done to death in comedies, and while it has its moments The Sitter doesn’t stray far from the formula bringing absolutely nothing new to the table. Instead, the movie relies on its dark and gross out sense of humor to wring laughs from the audience, which has both its hits (every time Sam Rockwell is on screen) and misses (Blithe singing along to a rap song is just one example of eye-rolling stupidity). Hill turns in another good comedic performance as Noah and he keeps The Sitter funny by his little quips and one-liners that are far funnier than the broader humor presented. What sinks The Sitter is a problem most darker and raunchier comedies have nowadays: the attempt to give the story weight bogs it down. Instead of just letting The Sitter be completely insane, there are lessons to be learned and bonding to be had. Running at only 80 minutes (barely), it takes away from what could’ve been a dark and ultimately hilarious spiral into insanity. The Sitter is not particularly insulting or terrible, but it’s also not going to be very memorable either; there is simply nothing that makes it stick out. Hill and Rockwell are great but the movie stays within its boundaries and doesn’t let itself go as crazy as it should have been. For an R-rated comedy that’s supposedly supposed to be raunchy and crazy, there is very little of either and that’s disappointing to say the least.

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December 14 – 20, 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

2012 Nissan JUKE: Putting the “Fun” in Funky

By David Goodspeed dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com The segment is urban sport cross(over) and the manufacturer is Nissan and for the many of you (like me, initially) wondering what the heck this vehicle is I present the JUKE. Funky name and a funky style to be sure but one spin around the block and JUKE proves itself a worthy competitor in this, and the global, market. After Cube and LEAF, Nissan brought JUKE to the U.S. showing it is not afraid to release vehicles with somewhat polarizing style and appeal. JUKE is certainly not for someone who wants to blend in – buy an Altima for that. No, JUKE makes a certain statement about the bold and brash personalities of its owners. For me, I first thought of JUKE as the vehicle for playing an adult, live version of the game “Frogger” or something as I studied its bold upright front fascia that trails to a narrower rear. JUKE is a five-seater hatchback built on Nissan’s global B-platform offering generous ground clearance and front- or all-wheel drive running gear powered by a sprited 188hp turbocharged 1.6-liter direct-injection four-cylinder engine. “JUKE has shaken up the market with a boldness, style and sense of fun that has never been seen before – at a time when segment sales are

expanding with buyers looking for just such a combination,” said Al Castignetti, vice president and general manager, Nissan Division, Nissan North America, Inc. “Succeeding well beyond all expectations, JUKE is finding a wide, enthusiastic audience both here in North America and around the world.” Behind the standard engine is a choice of two transmissions – Nissan’s ubiquitous Xtronic CVT (with S-mode) or a six-speed manual gearbox (FWD models only). On AWD JUKE models, Nissan’s torque vectoring system splits torque distribution 50:50 front-to-rear while also sending power side-to-side for maximum traction and, ultimately, driving fun. The Nissan JUKE is very well mannered on the road and while offering a host of standard amenities and safety technology, drivers have to beware of the entrancing nature of the digital boost gauge in the dash. (I found my eyes wandering there on more than one occasion.) A unique center console was designed using a motorcycle fuel tank for inspiration. “The center console design clearly makes the statement that JUKE is no ordinary compact crossover,” said Castignetti. “It’s an unexpected touch

that reinforces JUKE’s active, sporty attitude, while also helping create a sense of a true driver’s cockpit.” Nissan employs what it has dubbed “I-CON” to serve as a central command center and display module. This Integrated CONtrol system allows drivers to select vehicle drive mode from Eco, Normal or Sport. In climate mode, users can alter the vehicle’s interior environment but I found myself leaving it in “D” or drive mode most of the time. (Again, beware the hypnotic appeal of the

boost gauge.) Our JUKE tester arrived in the FWD SL version with the CVT sporting fuel economy figures of 27 mpg city and 32 highway. The base price tag was $23,050 and after only a few options final MSRP came to $24,370 including destination fees. The new Nissan JUKE certainly puts the “fun” in funky just be prepared to have everyone asking, “What the heck is that?”

Forever Lazy As anyone who has recently perused the local shopping aisles will know, Americans have made a consumer culture statement that the rest of the world can’t help but take notice. America has spoken as shelves are being stocked with endless new gadgets, appetizer accessories, and novelty junk food items that push the boundaries of delicious munching and relaxation even further than one can imagine. Snuggies—and now the new onesy Snuggie, the “Forever Lazy,” a device that will keep you comfortable in your persistent vegetative state--the Pancake Batter Blaster in an aerosol canister; all of these excessive accoutrement only further encourage our gluttony and a complete disregard for making an effort to hide our unstoppable self-destructive eating habits. It would seem the ingenuity of American laziness truly knows no bounds, which is why I say, “Au contraire!” If the ever expanding universe of waistlines we posses is any proof, then the gravity generated from them is creating a black hole level force which can push us even farther. We need even more selection and variety of products, so much more that we can push the boundaries of self-indulgence beyond the beer

By Jesse Whitman jwhitman00@gmail.com gut event horizon... to the point of no return. I have been giving this some thought lately. Marketing executives, take note of this gem of an idea: an item that has great consumer convenience possibilities. First though I should preface my idea with a nod to the inspiration behind it, namely the Hungry Man TV Dinner. Tried and true; I must say to the inventor you have a gift. The Hungry Man TV Dinner is hugely popular, and it has been that way for decades, due to its relatively easy preparation: peel off the plastic wrap, nuke in microwave, walk 10 paces back and forth to the microwave, and finally chew it all up. However, all of that chewing can be really exhausting. So, I encourage the convenience food industry to upgrade the Hungry Man TV Dinner to the Hungry Man Meatloaf Blaster. I use meatloaf as only one demonstration, but the mechanics of this could be applied to a range of meats or meat-based products. Imagine all of your meatloaf dinner conveniently pulverized, pureed, homogenized, and emulsified with various chemicals, stabilizers, fractional food derivatives, and then stuffed into a highly pressur-

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ized aerosol can. So now all you have to do is sit on the couch in your Forever Lazy Snuggie and the Hungry Man Meatloaf Blaster will spray succulent meaty deliciousness into your mouth. What about chewing, you may ask? Forget chewing, that’s for peasants...I’m positive Kings of old had people to chew their food for them. Besides, do you know how many calories it takes to chew? Me neither, but it sounds exhausting, and I am pretty sure the directions on the “Forever Lazy” warn against excessive physical exercise as you may tend to overheat and begin stewing in your own juices. The Hungry Man Meatloaf Blaster will also eliminate the chore of dishes and clean up. Should your mouth get tired from slurping, or if you just happen to drift off from over-relaxation, don’t worry about that either. The For-

ever Lazy Snuggie is made from 40% recycled sponge and should be perfect for soaking up any drips or excess drool. The only thing lacking in the Forever Lazy Snuggie is an integrated adult diaper system, which reminds me, I need to write the Snuggie Research and Development Department.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

December 14 – 20, 2011

Blitz Funnys

B-a-r-b-a-r-i-s-m What should happen to a woman who is raped? According to The Associated Press (12-2-11), a woman raped in Afghanistan was sentenced to 12 years in prison for refusing to marry the male relative who attacked her. First pregnant, then forced to raise “their” daughter alone inside a prison, this 19-year-old mother finally agreed to marry her attacker in order to be released. (And, according to the AP, raising children alone is “common among women imprisoned in Afghanistan.”)

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 The surgeons will do the best they can to cheer you up, but the law forbids them from putting your arms in glass jars.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 You will be the envy of single lonely men everywhere when you choose to spend Christmas Day at Baby Dolls rather than with your family.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Your autobiography aptly titled The Power of One Brain Cell will top the New York Times Best Seller list in January.

Aries March 21 – April 19 Painting your Mini Cooper like the General Lee probably wasn’t your best idea.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 You no longer feel enlightened when you discover what the priest really meant when he said, “Let me put my faith in you!”

Taurus April 20 – May 20 You’ve always been a lightning rod for controversy, but truth told: you’re just a rod.

Easy Money, Not Two years after the Galveston County Daily News reported Lufkin exotic auto dealer Andy House had driven his $1.2 million sports car into a La Marque, Texas, lagoon, to avoid killing a seagull, the Philadelphia Insurance Co. filed a federal lawsuit, refusing to pay his $2.2 million claim, claiming a video proved no seagull was involved. It’s legal to date a four-legger Why, you may ask, but, according to AOL Message Board, November 15, 2011, the Senate Armed Services Committee unanimously approved S. 1867, the National Defense Authorization Act, including repeal of Article 125, which had made it illegal for any person to “engage in unnatural carnal copulation with another person of the same or opposite sex or with an animal...” (Could this turn Eric Knight’s classic Lassie Come-Home (1940) into a love story?)

Gemini May 21 – June 21 The nation will continue to ignore you despite your best efforts to debate Governor Rick Perry.

Virgo August 23 – September 22 An awkward situation arises at the office when you discover the missing mistletoe on your co-worker’s zipper.

Cancer June 22 – July 22 You’re finally a winner after being voted #1 for having the best organized cubicle at work.

Libra September 23 – October 22 You’re not just “big-boned.” You’re actually a fat a$$! Lose ten pounds of ugly fat by cutting off your head.

Leo July 23 – August 22 From this moment forth, you will be elected scribe of every organization you join!

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Even though you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Easter Bunny and give away candy at the mall it turns out to be a complete disaster.

ACROSS: 1. Musical time 6. Cushions or mats 10. A city in western Russia 14. Willow 15. River of Spain 16. Dry 17. Rainproof 19. A region of SE Pakistan 20. Coypu 21. Appropriate 22. Leg joint 23. Vortex 25. Alter 26. Flexible mineral 30. Black Sea port 32. Forsake 35. Racetrack tout 39. Reposed 40. Hit the sack 41. Showcase

43. High ranking officer 44. 2nd largest country 46. Optimistic 47. Pizazz 50. 4-door car 53. Not stiff 54. An Old Testament king 55. In style 60. Dwarf buffalo 61. Container 63. Lease 64. Not fast 65. Transparent 66. Border 67. Feudal worker 68. Row of shrubs DOWN: 1. Small city 2. Brother of Jacob 3. Glove 4. Equal

5. German iris 6. Apiece 7. On the train 8. A tiny drop 9. Not hard 10. Supervisor 11. Pee 12. Flax fabric 13. Supplemented 18. Animal foot 24. Charged particle 25. Type of poplar tree 26. Filly’s mother 27. Wild goat 28. Money 29. Expect 31. “Your majesty” 33. Prohibit 34. Norse god 36. Novice 37. Historical periods 38. Depend 42. Braided cords

43. Wander aimlessly 45. Church official 47. Emergency signal 48. Delineated 49. In the midst of 51. Amplifier (abbrev.) 52. Tally mark 54. Backside 56. Broad valley 57. Chilled 58. Smelting waste 59. Not there 62. Female sheep

Solution on Page 18

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Oh Santa! Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe. She says, “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.” Santa responds “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go! Gotta go! Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know!” The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas Eve unforgettable.” Santa responds “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go! Gotta go! Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know!” Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty parts. And she says, “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.” Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay! Gotta Stay! Can’t get up the chimney with my d!ck this way!”

Q: What did the blonde ask Santa Claus for Christmas? A: Five golden dings, four calling nerds, three French men, two purple gloves, and a bar fridge and a party.

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December 14 – 20, 2011

The CLOSER

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

2011’s Biggest Losers

Gurkha Evil Torpedo Wrapper: Brazilian Binder: Dominican Filler: Nicaraguan Strength: Strong Full Bodied You know you love the name. This cigar has been out for a few years. The light chocolate brown wrapper has an oily and toothy feel and look to it. It has an earthy, sweet scent to it. Upon lighting it, you are presented with light black pepper and red pepper spice, some sweetness and a light orange citrus taste. Pair it with a red wine for a relaxing afternoon smoke. Pensacola Bushwacker Ingredients: 4 oz Cream of Coconut 2 oz Kahlua Coffee Liqueur 1 oz Bacardi Black Rum 1 oz Creme de Cacao 4 oz half-and-half Vanilla Ice Cream

1) The Occupy Movement: A lot of things can be said about the Occupy Movement and none of them good. Their protests, which had no clear message as to what they wanted to accomplish made my blood pressure and blood sugars fly off the charts. 2) Black Friday Shoppers: I am not referring to the millions who stood in lines outside Thanksgiving night waiting for stores to open at midnight Friday morning in hopes of being first in line for discounted deals. I am referring to those Black Friday Shoppers who ignored 61-year-old pharmacist Walter Vance as he suffered a heart attack and collapsed while shopping at a Target in West Virginia. 3) Former Head Football Coach Joe Paterno, former Penn State University President Graham Spanier, Penn State wide receiver’s coach and recruiting coordinator Mike McQueary, Penn State’s senior vice president for finance and business, Gary Schultz, Penn State athletic

Mixing Instructions: Pour all ingredients into a blender (ice cream optional) with two cups of ice, and blend until mixed. Serve in a hurricane glass.

director Tim Curley and anyone else who knew anything about former assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky’s “extracurricular activities” involving eight kids and did little or nothing to stop it much less immediately report it to authorities. 4) Rebekah Brooks, former chief executive of News International: At the heart of the scandal was the 2002 incident in which reporters retrieved voicemails of murdered 13-year-old Milly Dowler while she was still listed as missing. 5) Movie Remakes: Arthur, Conan the Barbarian, Footloose, Fright Night, The Thing. Of the five films I mentioned, four flopped at the box office. Only Footloose managed to make a profit grossing $50 million on a $24 million budget. How I wish given the lousy track record these needless remakes and reboots at the box office where only one film was a hit with audiences that this would send “Hollyweird” studios a message to stop messing around with the classics and give me something with a small miniscule shred of originality to justify wasting my money. 6) Oscar Hosts - James Franco and Anne Hathaway: “No chemistry.” Those words are usually written to refer to how bad a

9) Devoted Viewers of All My Children and One Life To Live: So much in hoping that the continuing adventures of...all right…I have no idea who any of the characters are on All My Children (1970-2011) and One Life To Live (1968-2011) as I never watched them. 7) Kim Kardashian: Poor Kim. No one seems to care for her or the Kardashian clan. Or is it just her? Even President Obama doesn’t want his kids, Sasha and Malia, watching them.

10) NBC: I can come up with plenty of reasons why NBC rounded out the top ten biggest losers of 2011 (stop trying to prove to me that Thursday’s comedy shows like The Office (2005) and Parks and Recreation (2009) are as good as Cheers (1982-1993), Night Court (1994-1992), The Cosby Show (1984-1992), Seinfeld (19901998) and Friends (1994-2004). There’s a reason when those shows were on why Thursday night was called “Must See TV.” Stop trying to argue that Jay Leno is as good as Johnny Carson.

8) Lindsay Lohan: See Lindsay get sent back to jail for 30 days for violating her probation Nov. 2. See Lindsay check in at the Los Angeles county jail Nov. 6 only to be released four hours later due to jail overcrowding. See Lindsay arrive 20 minutes late for court ordered community service at the county morgue. This month, see Lindsay

BLITZ salutes the movers, the shakers, the fearless, and the incredible that DFW has to offer. You may not have heard of them yet - but you will.

Name: Katie Anderson Team: Matchbox Studio Stats: A creative superheroine, think Wonder Woman in an office. Katie defies the laws of physics and gravity when coming up with ideas to make Dallas a cooler place for marketing. Day Job (Describe your job at Matchbox Studio): I am the business development manager for The Matchbox Studio, an awardwinning creative print and interactive design firm. I get to work with talented companies and brands like The Dallas Opera, Mockingbird Station and Starwood Hotels to help them achieve their business and marketing goals from a creative perspective. One thing you want for

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pose nude Marilyn Monroe style in Playboy magazine for which she was reportedly paid $1 million.

film was as a result of two stars’ failure to connect with each other and with audiences.

Christmas? Well, I already know what Santa is bringing me -- a trip to Salt Lake City for the ALT Summit Conference in January. This is an annual blogging conference that brings together the best in the lifestyle, design and fashion blogging world. I am so excited to network with some of my favorite bloggers, learn from those I admire and be inspired. I can’t think of a better way to kick off 2012. Your favorite place in Dallas. The Nasher Sculpture Center Although, I think the new Woodall Rodgers Park might slip into that spot once it’s finished. Favorite commercial? I actually love commercials. Maybe it’s because I am in the branding / advertising world, but I never want

to change the channel when they come on, like my husband does. My favorite commercial right now is for Chevrolet featuring a series of scenes where old photographs overlay their modern-day locations. The concept comes from a great blog, dearphotograph.com. Embarrassing song hiding on your iPod? I have the entire Touched by an Angel Soundtrack on my iPod. Do you remember that 90’s drama series on CBS? The theme song is “Walk With You” by Della Reese. The whole album is pretty cheesy, but sometimes you’re just in the mood for a little cheese and a good cry.

Bah Humbug Brewed by: Wychwood Brewery Company Ltd. ABV: 5.00% This brew has a nice deep chestnut pour with ruby highlights. The off white head lasts forever with excellent lacing. The aromas definitely have hints of bready malts, caramel, spices, fruit and cherries. Right off the bat you’ll taste the cinnamon and a bit of spice in the aftertaste. There also caramel notes in there. It has a low carbonation with a nice overall balance. There is little carbonation but is smooth and drinkable.

There were a lot of losers who made the headlines in 2011, too many to fully write about here as a matter of fact. As the year comes to a close, I look back at ten of the year’s biggest losers who in one way or another put me in a bad mood.

By Joe Stumpo www.darthstumpo.com

Read the full interview at www.BlitzWeekly.com

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 15

December 14 – 20, 2011

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