Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

VOL. 3 - ISSUE 17

Postal worker arrested after delivering mail naked

BLITZ News Shorts Hollywood Profile/Movie Review Music: Best Songs of 2010 Stars News Mavs News Cowboys News COVER STORY: New Year’s Stuff A Replay of 2010 Great New Year’s Eve Parties 2011 Predictions BLITZ BABE: Danielle Blitz Toys UFC 125 Preview Frontier Justice Blitz Food: Texadelphia Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes Last Call: Xmas Shopping

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A Wisconsin postal carrier says he simply wanted to cheer up a woman on his rounds who seemed “stressed out” when he decided to deliver mail in the buff. But upon further review, the worker told police that delivering mail while completely naked probably wasn’t a good idea. A police report says the 52-year-old man told the woman he would deliver the mail in the nude to her office in Whitefish Bay to make her laugh. The report says that on Dec. 4 he brought the mail wearing only a smile. The mail carrier was arrested for lewd and lascivious behavior several days later. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel says the man admitted delivering the mail naked was a stupid thing to do.

CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER Cover Photography: Darryl Briggs Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Manny Flores, Dennis Hambright, Chuck Majors, Andreas Olhardt, Brian Peritore, Stefan Servos, Lee Stranahan STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak and Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Joe Avezzano, Brian Beard, Jay Betsill, Fil Chapa, Dennis Hambright, Andrew J. Hewett, Ryan Maffei, H. Todd J. Moore, Gilbert Moses Jr. CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.” —Jay Leno

www.chewednews.com

ILLEGAL/LEGAL DRUGS?

According to a Fort Worth Star-Telegram report, Dec. 2010, “...Texas physicians wrote $47 million worth of Medicaid prescriptions for powerful antipsychotic and anti-anxiety drugs over the past two years,” adding that, during those two years alone, five doctors wrote $18 million in drug prescriptions. “Most of the drugs had gone to children and adolescents, although prescribing the drugs to children, such as a toddler, is considered ‘off-label’ – uses not approved by the federal FDA.”

HIS LIFE WASHED UP

PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam

Andrew J. Hewett

Inmate seeking kosher meals cites Festivus belief

A Festivus for the rest of us? A convicted drug dealer in California thinks so. He cited his adherence to the holiday celebrated on a famous episode of Seinfeld to get better meals at the Orange County jail. The Orange County Register reported Monday that Malcolm Alarmo King disliked the salami meals served at the jail, so he used his devotion to Festivus as a reason to get kosher meals reserved for inmates with religious needs. Keeping kosher is not one of the tenets of Festivus, which was depicted on Seinfeld as celebrated with the airing of grievances and the display of an aluminum pole. Sheriff’s spokesman Ryan Burris says King got salami-free meals for two months before the county got the order thrown out in court.

Security camera snaps naked man in Miss. Cemetery

A man caught naked in a south Mississippi church cemetery says he was trying to take photographs of spirits. Robert Hurst told The Picayune Item newspaper that he shed his clothes because he believes skin is the best canvas to show spirits’ orbs of energy. The 47-year-old said he only intended to remove his shirt, but he took off all his clothes – a move he now calls “stupid.” Authorities had set up a motion-activated camera to try to catch vandals. Shane Tucker, the chief deputy in Pearl River County, said Hurst was not accused of vandalism, but the camera caught an unexpected image of Hurst naked. Hurst faces a misdemeanor charge of indecent exposure. He posted $500 bond after turning himself in Friday.

A 911, Long Beach, California, emergency call, Dec. 12, 2010, reported a man with a gun. This caused officers to confront Doug Zerby, 35, who “... pointed the (a) black metal-object at them in a two-handed posture that looked like what a person would do when he is about to shoot a weapon,” Chief Jim McDonnell explained. Shot to death, Zerby’s “weapon” turned out to be a pistol-grip water nozzle.

TRIED TO COOK A KID

Two weeks before Christmas 2010, The Dallas Morning News informed their readers that Carlnelus Delaney Simmons, a 37-year-old previously convicted murderer, had been charged with dropping 16-mo.-old Jabraylon “Bam Bam” Bables into a pot of boiling water, causing the child to suffer unimaginable pain for 36 days before he died. (But, after being arrested for child abuse…and two felony drug charges, Simmons’ bail was set at only $80,000. Why, you may ask?)

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with Jeff Bridges

by Vivian Fullerlove “Entertainment’s Real Critic”

If you’re a Jeff Bridges fan, this is your week. The Academy Award-winner has not one but two huge movies in theatres this week. So which one do I talk about? Since everyone and their brother is going to see TRON regardless, I decided to focus on True Grit, which already has Hollywood buzzing about a Bridges repeat on Oscar night. In the film, a 14-year-old farmgirl sets out to capture the man who killed her father. To aid her, she hires the toughest U.S. marshal she can find, a man with “true grit,” Reuben J. “Rooster” Cogburn, played by Bridges. I sat down with the actor who discussed the film and why he loves making westerns. What was your initial reaction when you were approached about being part of the film? I remember when the Coen Brothers first came to me about the idea they had of making True Grit. I said, “Didn’t they make that movie, and it was a big hit?” They said, “Yeah.” So I said, “Why do you want to make that again?” They said they weren’t really remaking the film, but making a version of the book, a film of the book by Charles Portis. I wasn’t familiar, so I read it, and I saw what they were talking about. It did seem like the perfect book for the Coen brothers to make into a movie. Tell me a little about your character and the film. I play Rooster Cogburn, who is a

US Marshal. He kind of straddles each side of the law. He’s kind of for and against the law. I don’t know if he’s a bit of an outlaw, but he has been in the past. I’m enlisted by a young girl named Mattie to help her find the man responsible for killing her father. She needs a man of true grit for this task and Rooster has that in spades. Along the way, you encounter a Texas Ranger played by Matt Damon. What was it like working with him? Matt is so terrific in the movie. He brings a lot of comedy to it. He rides beautifully and has a great character going. He’s just a wonderful guy to spend time with, but his acting was just superb. Whenever you work with an actor like that who brings so much, it improves your own game and everybody else’s. It was a real joy working with Matt. What is your favorite part about being in this genre of film? One of my favorite things about making westerns is my chance to get back up on a horse. I’ve been riding since I was a kid, and anytime I do a western, and I’ve done a few, it’s most likely that I’m going to get up on a horse. See Jeff Bridges tame the West, you can check out True Grit this week when it opens in theatres nationwide. The film is rated PG-13 for some intense sequences of western violence and disturbing images.

by Fil Chapa - “One Film at a Time”

TRON: Legacy

Starring Academy Award-winner Jeff Bridges, Tron: Legacy, is the follow-up to the 1982 science fiction thriller Tron. The first film dazzled audiences with groundbreaking special effects and launched a lucrative video game. In Legacy, Sam Flynn (Garrett Hedlund) is the rebellious heir to Encom, a technological giant. After a young Sam sees his father head out into the night never to be heard from again, he spends the next twenty years trying to deal with his mysterious disappearance. While Sam becomes the majority shareholder of Encom, he finds it too difficult to let go of his troubled past and focus on the affairs of the very company that seemingly took his entire world away. One day he receives word of a strange signal from the old arcade owned by his father. Sam investigates and soon finds himself thrust into a world inhabited primarily by strange beings known as Programs. There they compete for their lives in front of legions of screaming followers. In this world he is forced to survive a series of challenges involving luminescent speed bikes and some sort of maniacal form of disc golf where the object is to cut your opponent in half! He quickly adapts to the game and soon disposes of each of his competitors, even though he has never used one of these discs before. I chalked it up to his being a chip off the old block. Finally, Sam is captured and must face

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a strange character he recognizes from his past. But, things are not what they seem. Sam meets Quorra (Olivia Wilde) during the speed bike competition. She rescues him and together they must find a way to travel across the vast digital wasteland to a portal and get back home. Legacy gets inspiration from such films as The Running Man and Gattaca, both box office disappointments. The visual effects, specifically the bike sequence as well as the number they did on Jeff Bridges’ grill, were jaw-dropping. Aside from that I struggled to find many bright spots in this movie. This movie had an accomplished actor in Jeff Bridges, but someone has to take the fall for a big buildup with no delivery, just ask Wade Phillips. Bridges, for all his accomplishments (did I mention the Academy Award?), could not get out of the “Dude” character from The Big Lebowski. He was constantly using the word “man” and wearing ill-fitting clothes. Instead of bowling shoes, he seemed to be sporting Birkenstocks. Garrett Hedlund from Troy and Friday Night Lights looked the part, but there was no chemistry between him and Bridges. He had too many predictable lines and catchphrases. There is one scene where Bridges’ character appears to have magical powers… Too bad he couldn’t use them to save this movie.

by Ryan Maffei

“Perspectives on Music”

Wed – 12/22

Turtle Creek Chorale Meyerson Symphony Center – Dallas To know them is to love them. Winner of a world-wide competition in Montreal this 250+ voice men’s chorus may be the best in the world. All sorts of Christmas music for all ages, with plenty of humor.

Thur – 12/23

6. Spoon, “Written in Reverse” Always too sure of himself for his own good, it finally occurs to Britt Daniel that maybe he doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing – with stirringly Lennonesque results. 7. The Arcade Fire, “The Suburbs” Exhausted as we all were by the Bush years, Win Butler slows his band of arty vigilantes down for this perfect, plaintive distillation of the cryptic, sprawling The Suburbs.

Fri – 12/24

Salvator Rosa: “Bandits, Wilderness and Magic” Kimbell Art Museum – Fort Worth This is only the second American exhibition devoted to Rosa, one of the most exciting painters of the 17th Century. His imagination is described as “feverish” and possessing “extraordinary range and power.”

Sat – 12/25

The Greg Wilson Actors Ad Libs – Dallas This comedy troupe has been performing weekly since 1986. This is free-form, improvisational comedy with a Mardi-Gras flavor.

Sun – 12/26

1. Cee-Lo, “F**k You!” Remember when the only criterion for a great pop tune was that it was more fun than anything you could come up with for how to spend the weekend? Instantly one of the greatest soul songs of all time, and a terrific argument against censorship to boot.

5. Lil Wayne, “Drop the World” Shortly before his wayharsh prison stint, the world’s greatest rapper (or is that second greatest?) gives his legions of haters the finger, and his legions of fans goosebumps.

Handel’s Messiah, Dallas Bach Society Meyerson Symphony Center - Dallas Christmas shouldn’t go by without a Messiah, and this promises to be a great performance. It will feature period instruments, well-known concert artists and the Meyerson’s acoustics to create a special experience.

2010 was a year like any other in modern music – devastating from a financial perspective, dazzling from an aesthetic one. Yet most of the more prominent magazines’ year-end lists are full to the brim with pale, pretentious scenesters like Sufjan Stevens and Joanna Newsom, whose annual contributions were pretty, eccentric, and utterly boring (which is what seems to constitute “good” as per modern conventional wisdom). I’ve taken a somewhat different approach with my year-end roundup: I’ve omitted any songs I’m not physically aroused by. Enjoy!

4. Elizabeth Cook, “El Camino” Impossibly cute, impossibly sexy, this dazzling country underdog is miles more talented than anybody that’s ever won a CMA award. Buy the album Welder sometime today.

9. The Magnetic Fields, “You Must Be Out of Your Mind” Genre stylist Stephin Merritt finally cuts his folk album, and bids farewell to a decade full of cutesy dead-ends with the sharpest and most affecting song he’s written in ages. 10. Vampire Weekend, “I Think Ur a Contra” The most contagious melody of the year was one of ten perfect ones on this ’08 hype’s slow-growing second album. Smarter than you, and no longer quite so annoying about it.

Tango Beginner Classes TangoAmor Salon – Dallas Trained by masters in the U.S. and Buenos Aires, Nasrin Barmaki and Hassan Parsa are taking on absolute beginners. No partner is needed. You will learn everything you need to know. Carlos Gardel lives!

Mon – 12/27

3. Kanye West, “Monster” Driven into exile by acres of justified criticism, Yeezy returns with his most defensive and self-absorbed set of songs yet, every one of which Taylor Swift would kill to write. Growing tired of Swift himself, he offers the stunning Nicki Minaj as a replacement.

8. The New Pornographers, “Crash Years” A.C. Newman – the closest thing to a 21st century McCartney – pens a “Penny Lane” for Dylan junkies. Blissfully belted by Neko Case, the world’s best fake country singer.

Miss Marcy and her Texas Sugar Daddies Pearl at Commerce – Dallas Miss Marcy is a UNT grad who has been seasoning her act in Texas bars for the last ten years. Her offerings are described as high-energy, and promise to be fun for fans of contemporary jazz.

Tues – 12/27

2. M.I.A., “Internet Connection” If you haven’t delved into this Sri Lankan rap-pop firebrand any further than “Paper Planes,” you’re ignoring an endless well of effortless wisdom and three-alarm wit. This, better than most of the years’ big hits, is a mere bonus track on her new CD Maya.

The Band of Heathens Granada Theater – Dallas The Band of Heathens was previewed in this paper. Their new album, One Foot in the Ether, is full of inspired alternative sounds. See what the shoutin’ is about. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com

STARS News

by Tony Barone

“The Senior Sports Authority”

Stars Top Division The Dallas Stars are unlikely leaders in the Pacific Division at this point in the season. The Stars and San Jose Sharks played twice within four days last week, and it took overtime to decide both contests. In the first game played on Monday night in San Jose, Andrew Raycroft kept coming up with brilliant saves through overtime, and that didn’t change a bit during the shootout. Jamie Benn netted the first goal of the game and then scored again in the tiebreaker to help the Dallas Stars beat the San Jose Sharks 3-2. “If you don’t guess right it can make you look ugly,” Raycroft said. “At that point you’re just trying to put pressure on them as shooters.” Brad Richards also scored in the shootout, and Raycroft stopped Ryane Clowe in the third round to give the Stars their sec-

yond regulation, with Dallas winning the first two before Thursday night’s game. Also interesting statistically was the fact that Marc Crawford coached his 1,100th NHL game against San Jose on Thursday night. Kari Lehtonen stopped 35 shots and Brad Richards scored both goals, including the game-winner with 13:43 remaining, to lift the Dallas Stars to a 2-1 victory at Columbus on Saturday night. The Stars, 9-2-2 in their last 13 games, are 19-10-3 on the season (7-0-3 in overtime) and two points behind Western Conference leader Detroit. Lehtonen made several big stops during the game. He denied Mike Commodore with a toe save early in the second period. With just under two minutes left, Jake Voracek batted at a high puck that Lehtonen deflected.

ond such victory in Upcoming Schedule: The Stars goalie three games. credited special teams 7:30pm “Andrew showed 12/23 vs Flames for stopping the Blue 7:00pm he’s a professional,” 12/26 vs Coyotes Jackets on five power Stars coach Marc 12/28 @ Predators plays. 7:00pm Crawford said. “He “I was really com12/29 vs Red Wings 7:30pm made a couple of huge fortable with our 7:30pm saves for us. He keeps 12/31 vs Canucks penalty kill,” he said. showing the ability to 1/2 “It’s been working @ Blues 5:00pm rise to the occasion.” well lately. When the Mike Ribeiro added a goal in regulation other team gets the power play, you’re not for the Stars. worried. You feel like your guys can help In Thursday night’s rematch in Dallas, you.” the Sharks’ Logan Couture scored on a There are only four points separating power-play goal 1:20 into overtime, giving the teams in the Pacific Division. The Stars San Jose a 4-3 victory over the Stars. Mike sit on top of the Division through 32 games Ribeiro received a double-minor for high- with 41 points. They have earned points in sticking with 49.5 seconds left in regula- 11 of their last 13 games. The Phoenix Coytion after his stick struck Setoguchi in the otes and L.A. Kings are in last place with face, giving the Sharks a power play that 37 points but have played one less game extended into overtime. than the Stars, creating a virtual logjam in “I got my stick up,” Ribeiro said. “It the division. was a tough play.” The Stars can move to the top of the Brenden Morrow and Loui Eriksson Western Conference with a victory against scored power-play goals, and Tom Wandell Detroit next week. scored at even strength for the Stars, 9-0-2 in their last 11 games at home. Stars goal- Note: Dallas activated forwards Krys ie Kari Lehtonen stopped 39 shots for the Barch and Toby Petersen, taking them off Stars after missing the previous four games injured reserve last week. Both had missed with lower back stiffness. six games, Barch with a foot injury and Pe All three of this season’s meetings be- tersen with a broken hand. tween the Stars and Sharks have gone be-

Crossword Solution

MAVS News

by Geoff Case “NBA Analyst”

BETTER FROM WITHIN The Mavericks have got to be thrilled with some of the same stuff.” In the NBA, usuhow the first part of the season has started ally it takes two teams who are unhappy out. They are sitting pretty at second seed with their rosters to make a trade happen in the Western Conference and have beat- and you can count Dallas out of that equaen some very good teams along the way. tion. The Mavericks won’t make a major Last week we saw a few teams shake up deal unless there is a serious player intheir rosters with trades but don’t be sur- volved who could significantly improve prised if the Mavericks aren’t very active. the team and provide Dirk with a superThey like how the team’s personnel is star accomplice. (Think: Chris Paul, Carmeshing and learning the system together. melo Anthony, or possibly Kevin Martin.) There are still places on the roster that the They could possibly do something minor team would likely upgrade if the opportu- that involves upgrading a back-up spot at nity presented itself but nothing concrete forward or point guard but nothing that’s is in the works. worthy of a major headline. Still, there are rumors about mov- The Mavericks should be confident ing back-up center Brendan Haywood in their personnel with the way the ros– viewed by some ter is playing but still teams as a qualhave some room for ity starter. Questions improvement. They about Haywood’s need to focus on beattitude and motivaing able to keep large tion have surfaced, leads and not letting considering he signed teams get back into with Dallas this sumthe game during the mer thinking he fourth quarter. would be the start “For us to be peaking center. The Mavs ing now would be then traded for Chanprobably the worst dler, who’s taken the thing that could hapjob and completely pen,” Jason Terry said run away with it. after the Mavericks’ “If that’s the case, 106-91 victory over there’s probably some Phoenix on Friday. frustration,” Coach “It’s good to know Rick Carlisle said. you’re winning a lot “This guy’s been a of games and you still starting center for 10 can get better.” years. We’re asking The same sentihim to do something ments echoed very that’s a big adjustloudly from owner ment.” The MaverMark Cuban after icks began acquiring the latest winning quality big men to streak came to a close compete with the size (via Eddie Sefko of of the Lakers and all the Dallas Morning of a sudden have a News): “Some parts surplus. When teams of what we do have see talented big-man Upcoming Schedule: gotten better (during prospects like Ian 12/27 @ Thunder the streak). I think 7:00pm Mahinmi looming on 12/28 vs Raptors we’ve let up a couple 7:30pm the bench it makes times instead of re8:30pm sense that Dallas 12/30 vs Spurs ally focusing on what @ Bucks 8:00pm would get a lot of 1/1 it takes to be a chamoffers and rumors 1/2 pionship team. We @ Cavaliers 6:00pm would keep popping try to say this is what 1/4 vs Trail Blazers 7:30pm up. Keep in mind that it takes to win this the Mavs think that a game. That’s my bigcenter rotation of Chandler/Haywood is a gest concern with this team. We try to win major strength that will pay big dividends games instead of focusing on executing in the playoffs. for 48 minutes so that we’re championship “Our two big guys are our anchor,” caliber. That’s just my concern.” Dirk Nowitzki said. “Tyson’s setting the The Mavericks are far from perfect but tone with his energy, with his aggressive- it looks like they will be focusing on getness at both ends of the floor. And ’Wood ting better from within rather than getting is coming in – he’s longer, but he does help elsewhere.

NFL: Cowboys vs. Cardinals

Sat. December 25 – 6:30PM – U of Phoenix Stadium – NFL

Thank you NFL for giving us football on Christmas – a great way to unwind after opening presents and eating a huge Christmas dinner. If you don’t have the NFL network, go to a bar. This is a great excuse for getting out of the house!

NBA: Heat vs. Lakers

Sat. December 25 – 4:00PM – Staples Center – ABC

The NBA gives us a great gift in the form of Kobe vs. LeBron. The Lakers’ big men take on the trio of LBJ-Wade-Bosh. Can the Zen Master pull off another great win? The Heat are coming together and have some serious fire-power. This matchup is worth it.

College Football: #4 Wisconsin vs. #3TCU

Sat. January 1 – 4:00PM – Rose Bowl – ESPN

TCU (the team the BCS loves to hate) finally gets its chance to prove itself in the Rose Bowl against one of the best the Big 10 has to offer. Wisconsin has a run game that TCU has yet to encounter. If TCU can pull off the upset in convincing style they might have a chance to split the national championship.

College Football: #6 Ohio State vs. #8Arkansas Tue. January 4 – 7:30PM – Superdome – ESPN

The Sugar Bowl will be a sweet bit of TV when the Buckeyes and Razorbacks face off. The Buckeyes are playing in their sixth consecutive BCS bowl. This is a first for the Hogs. Buckeye QB Terrelle Pryor is something special and will be tough to contain. Hog QB Ryan Mallett has a howitzer for an arm. This game should be awesome!

MAVS

by Joe Avezzano “The Coach”

The Dallas Cowboys were involved in their fourth straight three-point ball game. Three of the four teams they faced were among the best in the league. Yes, there are deficiencies that need to be addressed but they won’t be until the offseason. Jason Garrett’s record is 4-2 with a real possibility of finishing 5-3 or better. The 33-30 victory over the Washington Redskins shows the qualities that he is instilling in this team that the “experts” in this city don’t seem to grasp. When you have injuries, you plug someone in and expect to play well. There is no such thing as perfection. Sorry, but even our championship years were not perfect. There are obvious issues. The defense is on pace to be the worst in Cowboy history as far as points given up and yards allowed. Yet these same players provided very good defense last year! The inconsistencies are amazing at times. The pass rush has been nil for many games, yet against Washington they had five sacks. The turnover margin has been poor for most of the year but against the Redskins it was plus three. The secondary has been abused frequently but Sunday Newman and Sensabaugh came up with interceptions. The kicking game has been erratic but Buehler kicked off well and despite missing a short field goal, made the winning three-pointer. The offensive line has been maligned all year, rightfully so in many cases, but of late the running game has been functional and the pass protection very good overall. The cry to play the young guys to evaluate them is a sign of giving up in the name of the future. In reality, all but McGee are playing. But Jon Kitna deserves to stay in. He is playing better than many starting QB’s in the NFL and is a pleasure to watch. In Arizona on Christmas day Dallas will be expected to win. No doubt the “experts” will have plenty to say, but the defense can’t be fixed right now, the running game can’t be vastly improved right now and if there is another three-point game we can expect the Cowboys to win because they will prepare properly, show up and play hard, react to the ebb and flow of the game and play to the end. That’s what Jason is selling and they seem to be buying in. by Jay Betsill “Man on the Inside”

The Dallas Cowboys (5-9) and Washington Redskins (5-9) game this past Sunday at Cowboys Stadium was the 100th meeting for two of the NFL’s truly marquee franchises. While Dallas was looking to rebound from its 3027 loss to Philadelphia, the Redskins were coming off a controversy-filled week that included the benching of starting quarterback Donovan McNabb. In making his first start since November 2008 with the Chicago Bears, Rex Grossman was 25 of 43 for 322 yards and four touchdowns for the Redskins. He also threw two interceptions and was sacked five times. While the Cowboys jumped out to a 27-7 lead, Grossman engineered a second half comeback that brought the game to a 30-30 tie with 7:37 left in the game. David Buehler nailed a 39-yard field goal with 50 seconds left and Terence Newman snagged an interception before time expired to seal the victory for Dallas. Next up is a trip to the desert to face the Arizona Cardinals (4-10) on Christmas evening. Once upon a time, when the Cowboys played the Cardinals on December 25, 1995, the star-studded Cowboys featured Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders and were on their way to their third Super Bowl title in four years. In what became known as the Jerry Maguire game with the footage being used in the Tom Cruise sports agent movie, Dallas would win 37-17. Kevin Williams led the team with 203 yards receiving and two touchdowns. This Christmas edition of Cowboys-Cardinals carries no such excitement or story-lines. And Tom Cruise will not be on the sidelines. Cardinals WR Larry Fitzgerald, 27, caught nine passes for 125 yards to go over 8,000 yards receiving for his career. He may be the only chance the Cardinals have as the Cowboys continue to show a renewed enthusiasm under interim coach Jason Garrett. Look for Dallas to win big as Arizona plays out the string.

9 by H. Todd J. Moore

How badly did 2010 suck? For most it reeked of rank putrescence. If Arthur C. Clarke was accurate with his prediction of humanity making first contact, it’s been well hidden. Let’s check the month-bymonth replay. January Jan. 1: Haiti gets hit with a 7.0 ground-ripping earthquake which tears up its capital and kills over 230,000 people. Jan. 12: In Pakistan, a nut-case with a strap-on bomb wipes out 95 people at a volleyball game. February Feb. 7: The New Orleans Saints put the fear of God into the Indianapolis Colts and win their first Super Bowl 31-17. Feb. 27: An 8.8 magnitude earthquake hits Chile, creates a giant tsunami wave, and kills nearly 500 people. Not quite the body-count of the Haitian quake, but it was one of the largest quakes ever recorded. March Mar. 16: The Kasubi Tombs, Uganda’s

only cultural center of any kind, is wiped out by fire. Mar. 23: South Korean ship sinks, killing 46. North Korea denies sinking the ship. April Apr. 10: The President of Poland dies in a plane crash in Russia. Apr. 13: A 6.9 earthquake in Qinghai, China kills over 2,000 and injures over 10,000. Apr. 20: The British Petroleum drilling platform Deepwater Horizon explodes. Oil begins spilling into the Gulf, and continues to do so for months. Apr. 27: Standard & Poor’s takes Greece’s Credit Rating into the junk zone, which rips into Europe’s economy. May May 2: The Eurozone votes to bail out Greece. Greek food really is that popular. May 12: Plane crashes in Tripoli, Libya. Only one of the 104 people on the plane survives. May 22: Plane crashes in Mangalore, India. Only eight of the 166 onboard survive. Oil continues pouring into the Gulf. The US scratches its collective head.

June June 9: Riots in Kyrgyzstan kill hundreds. Where’s Kyrgyzstan? Collectively, in June, the world just tried to catch its breath from all the over-the-top craziness in the first half of the year. Oil continues pouring into the Gulf. Obama says we should do something. June 17: Lakers beat Celtics in 7th game of the NBA Finals. July July - July 11: Spain defeated the Netherlands 1-0 to win the World Cup and vuvuzela became part of everyday speech. July 25: WikiLeaks pukes out its first batch of internal US Government memos. Some see this as a good thing, others as a bad thing, but either way, it shows the US has a security problem. July 29: Monsoon rains in Pakistan kill over 1,600 people. Because the insane volleyball game bomber wasn’t enough. August Aug. 10: Sadly for influenza vaccine sales, the H1N1 Virus epidemic was declared “over,” according to the World Health Organization. September Sep. 28: Oaxaca, Mexico, suffers a landslide that kills seven, with over 100 people missing. Things aren’t looking good for

“Freelance Hubrist”

those missing at this time. October Oct. 22: Texas Rangers defeat New York Yankees in ALCS Championship, to go on to the World Series. Oct. 25: Earthquake/ tsunami double whammy hits off the coast of Sumatra, Indonesia, which wipes out over 400 people, with more unaccounted for. Oct. 26 and ongoing: Mount Merapi in Java, Indonesia forces hundreds to evacuate, kills over 240. November Nov. 1: Rangers lose World Series to the Giants. Nov. 2: USA elections dislodge Democrats in Congress., to the joy of conservatives and dismay of liberals. Nov. 4: Plane crash in Cuba kills 68. Nov. 22: A stampede at the Khmer Water Festival in Cambodia finds 347 people trampled to death. Nov. 23: North Korea shells a South Korean Island. South Korea responds. Nov. 28: WikiLeaks dumps another bombshell, this time over a quarter-million diplomatic cables, nearly half of which are marked “Secret.” December Dec. 7: President Obama strikes deal with incoming GOP, then calls them “hostagetakers” in days that follow. As of this writing, the month is only half over – plenty of time for disasters to occur throughout the world.

by Frank LaCosta

“Man About Town”

At the c filled wit predictio diculous. studying to come u are sure t

1. A po sexu com and supp 2. Lind abou 3. Bret 4. A we 5. Ang eleph 6. Ther abou 7. A Yo 8. Nort rean beca 9. Mile whil lent 10. The NBA

close of every year, blogs and websites are th wild predictions for the New Year. These ons rarely if ever come true and are often ri. However, I have spent the last few months trends* in sports, politics and entertainment up with a list of 20 predictions of things that to happen in 2011.

opular male sports figure will be accused of ual misconduct, a large number of women will me forward with stories supporting the claim, he will lose all his endorsements and public port. dsay Lohan will get her own reality TV show ut her coming stint in rehab. tt Favre will retire again. ell-known celebrity will release a sex tape. gelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will adopt a baby hant. re will be a groundbreaking movie released ut aliens attacking a major US city. ouTube sensation will get a record deal. th Korea will complain about the South Kon water polo team having organized practices, ause polo teams are a military threat. ey Cyrus will get caught up in a drug scandal le Hannah Montana continues to be an excelrole model for young women. Mavericks will coast to the best record in the A only to be eliminated in the second round

by Gilbert Moses Jr.

“I think, therefore I write.”

of the playoffs. 11. Facebook’s layout will change. 12. A popular phone company will release a phone with 3D graphics, surround sound, and artificial intelligence with the ability to predict what your conversation is about and respond for you. Unfortunately, call quality will be mediocre at best and the battery will last from 3 to 5 minutes between charges. 13. Justin Bieber will be caught with cocaine. 14. Cam Newton’s Heisman Trophy will be revoked shortly after he leads Auburn to a National Championship. 15. Kanye West will say something offensive. 16. Dez Bryant will sustain yet another ankle injury. 17. Facebook’s layout will change, again. 18. The use of marijuana will be decriminalized in South Dakota. 19. Bristol Palin will star on her own reality TV show, For the Love of Bristol, where men will compete for her hand in marriage. 20. The male sports figure from #1 will apologize at a heartfelt press conference, may even shed a tear as his wife pledges to stand by him, and his endorsements will be returned. * No research was done for this editorial nor are any of these predictions based on fact. I am not responsible for any monetary loss you may sustain from placing bets based on these predictions.

Good friends should be cherished, especially as we get older, when our lives become more and more complicated and it’s hard to make time to hang out. This is why these old friendships are so special and why it is so irksome when the girlfriend or wife gives us the stink-eye whenever we come around. Perhaps they’re jealous. This may be so, but come on. You’re married to the guy and I’m just a friend. This isn’t grade school. Can’t we please just behave as civilized adults? As much as I try to reason with them (which probably doesn’t work because these thoughts usually don’t make it out of my inner dialogue), this is just the way it is. There isn’t much you can do to change their behavior. Whatever the reason for this cold behavior of the wife/girlfriend, the scenario is always the same: the wife/girlfriend barely talks or engages in conversation and gives you that distinct evil-bored look, kind of like the one Angelina Jolie had on Oscar night last year when she lost Best Actress. Try to think of the evil-bored Angelina

Jolie blank stare minus the enormous suction cup lips. If you find yourself in this situation—and you most likely will if you have guy friends with wives/girlfriends—there are not, unfortunately, many options. You can either stare back with your own version of the evil-bored look, maybe instead channeling Mr. Spock before he does his Vulcan Squeeze. Or, you can do what I do, which is much more fun. I call this the steam-roller approach. Basically, you just steam-roll right over that icy energy that the wife/girlfriend is emitting through her frosted highlights. I exaggerate my personality by being extremely witty, clever, and funny, but with even more gusto than usual. Most often, the steam-roller comes out subconsciously, perhaps as my way of proving that the evil-bored stare doesn’t bother me and that not only will I rise above it, but my personality will shine even more next to the cold and mute wife/ girlfriend. I have so many old guy friends with these annoying wives/ girlfriends. Perhaps that’s where the expression “the old ball-andchain” comes from. They are very annoying, but what I do love about steam-rolling is the fact that my personality really does shine, more than at any other time. I must be subconsciously overcompensating for the awkward situation and as a result, I suddenly become the funniest and most clever I have ever been while being somewhat sober. In normal circumstances, it would probably take at least two shots of Cuervo—chilled of course—to achieve that level of hilarity and wittiness. So, while you are irksome, no doubt, I thank you wives/girlfriends of my darling old friends for bringing out the best in me. Still, I can’t help but ask these guy friends—not to their faces of course—“What the hell were you thinking?”

by Brian Beard

“Ultimate Fighter”

Brandon “The Truth” Vera (11-5-0) vs. Thiago Silva (14-2-0):

This will be a stand-up war between two phenomenal strikers in the light heavyweight division. Silva’s only losses have been against two of the best the UFC has to offer. Vera took the UFC by storm by winning his first six fights before having some disappointing performances. He is coming off of a two-fight losing streak with this being a definitive point in his career. He can’t afford to lose. I see a lot of fireworks in this war but Silva will pull out the victory via unanimous decision. Vera will go on to fight smaller shows.

Chris “The Crippler” Leben (21-6-0) vs. Brian “All American” Stann (9-3-0):

Another stand-up battle will occur here. Leben will bang with anyone and Stann will not shy away. Stann, who has fought at 205 for much of his career, will be noticeably bigger and should have a strength advantage. Leben is not a large 185er but he is as tough as they come. He is also a pretty well-rounded fighter and I see him pulling this off via TKO in the second. Stann is the All-American Hero. He is a former Marine and for that, he is a hero and deserves the utmost respect for putting his a$$ on the line for all of us. Thank you, Mr. Stann. That being said, he will fall short in this battle.

Frankie “The Answer” Edgar (12-1-0) vs. Gray “The Bully” Maynard (10-0-0):

What a great fight this will be! I know it doesn’t have the big name star-power that many fans crave, but dammit this is going to be a bad-a$$ fight. Maynard is undefeated. Edgar is the UFC lightweight champion with only one loss on his record. Guess who that loss was to? That’s right, Mr. Maynard. These guys are both awesome wrestlers with Maynard possibly having the slight advantage in this category. Edgar will have the advantage in the striking category and it won’t be minimal. Edgar proved, against BJ Penn, that he is one of the best boxers in MMA, and Maynard isn’t even close here. Here is the deal….this will be a very technical and exciting fight, but it will go to a decision. Sorry to the casual fans who just want to see a knockout, ’cause it ain’t happenin’! Maynard has rarely finished fights and these two are so highly skilled that it will go a long ways. Edgar will win via unanimous decision.

Presented By: The Gym • 921 West Mayfield #112 • Arlington, Texas 817-652-1555 • www.thegym.org

by Jeff Putnam

Editor

Now that we’d got through a complete year in Spain it was time to blow off steam, to scream things that our neighbors at the end of the street hadn’t heard yet. Our near neighbors knew everything there was to know about us already. To wit: there was a Spanish girl living with a norteamericano in one of the big flats on the fourth floor; she was a student; he did all the shopping; there was a black cat in the window sometimes, and for a month or two during the past year there had been an Englishman with an enormous head and the features of a praying mantis sharing the flat with them. Not bad, but the woman was Cuban. She was studying romance philology at the University of Barcelona with a modern master, Prof. Carratalá. In her spare time she did laundry. I did some shopping but most of my sorties were to learn the language in bars and cafés. In my spare time I was revising a book I’d sold. The Englishman was someone I’d dragged home from the Plaça Catalunya who had come to Barcelona by bicycle to escape a bad marriage. He’d peddled down through France and right across the Zaragoza desert. The disproportion in size between his head and his body had nothing to do with cretinism—everything to do with hard riding on that bike. Having a big party to ring in the New Year had been my idea. Sarita was Cuban to the core and in general refused to participate in American festivities or even to eat foods that were popular in America. I’d wormed myself into her good graces by masquerading as an anarchist. She hadn’t the time to teach me her language so we communicated in French. She thought my French amazingly good “for an American.” It was, but the French didn’t think much of it. For the party we invited everyone we knew: the milkman to whom I shouted “Ya bajo!” twice a week, the electrician who’d ripped out two old circuits gratis and revived the most recent. Our portero was invited—an imbecile named Ovidio who lived in the basement— and so was our garbageman. None of the tradesmen came. Instead there were a dozen or so of Sarita’s fellow students from the university and a handful of friends I’d made during my tramps about the city—brilliant men, mostly, and only two who were crazy. The drinking behavior was tame right up to the big moment. People sipping sherry, speaking in low voices, forsaking conversational circles and edging into new ones. There was screaming for a while when Sarita insulted the wine my friend Joán had brought—after thanking him for it when he came. Joán might have struck my beloved if I hadn’t been there. He was one of the crazy ones. All hell broke loose when I popped our champagne: cold, black bottles of Freixenet and Codorníu already popular in the States. Had the presence of so many firedup bodies sucked the air out of our rooms? All of a sudden a striking blonde from Carratalá’s class was vomiting off the balcony, the cat was hiding, Joán was out on the balcony with his hand on the blonde’s butt, then hers was on his; girls were giving each other the usual greeting kisses then really going at it; four different songs were being sung at once and none of them made any sense. The Spanish songs were filthy, the Catalan one was full of broken rocks; and there was a German song, because the Catalans are great admirers of the German visitors who come every summer and clump all over the place in their heavy sandals. We were now sponsoring an orgy of some kind, and it showed no sign of letting up—I’d laid in more than enough champagne. I was reminded of the bromide about “amateur night” I’d often heard back home during St. Pat’s from heavy drinkers. While the old year was demolished before my eyes I felt honored to supervise, sure that the New Year would be off to a good start when I was called upon to pick up the panting pieces!

Photo Courtesy:Dennis Hambright

lived in Chulumani for almost a year before I crossed a mysterious line and became a local—at least as much as any blue-eyed gringo ever would be in a small Bolivian town. Like many rites of passage in South America, my acceptance happened without fanfare. One morning I sat in the small café where I had breakfast every day since I had moved there to pursue my dream of searching for gold and buried treasure in the Amazon basin. The owner was a onearmed matriarch named Cristina who scared the hell out of me. I’d never seen her without a butcher knife wedged under the ten-inch muscled stump that was the grisly remnant of her left arm. She stood over a hissing, two-burner propane stove, and with her right hand, twirled potatoes and carrots against the blade of that knife. After peeling them she dropped them into a pot where heavy chunks of fatty meats were boiling with pungent spices. I ordered my usual sandwich con huevo and café con leche, and when finished, slid eight bolivianos (about .75 cents) across the tiled countertop. Cristina stopped mid-peel, smiled, and pushed back half the money. The grizzled old man sitting on the stool next to me patted me on the shoulder and said, “That’s the price for paisanos [locals].” It was an emotional moment, but I understood Latin machismo, and knew if I showed any feeling at all, Cristina might snatch back the money and consign me to permanent tourist status. Like the paisano I now was, I nodded my thanks and left. No notice was posted in the plaza. Radio Yungas, the shortwave station that operated out of a back room in the old church, and announced local news across the Valley at six a.m., noon, and eight p.m. every day but Sunday, didn’t mention my new status. But everybody seemed to know. The grapevine runs just as fast and true in a small Bolivian town as it does back in West Texas. Prices were cheaper everywhere I went. The older ladies who still dressed in the traditional Incan style of heavy, colorful hoop skirts and brown bowler hats, used to scowl at me like I was conspiring to steal their chickens and deflower their daughters. Now, they smiled and brought me plates of empanadas and chicharrón, just to be neighborly. The life I’d hoped to carve out in this small South American hamlet was coming to pass. But just as every beautiful

by Dennis Hambright

rose has its thorns, I soon found out that being accepted here might have a prickly side. Once you got away from the major cities like La Paz and Santa Cruz, Bolivia was still frontier territory. It was where Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid met their end, and Che Guevara was killed for trying to sell Castro’s paradise politics. True adventure could still be had, without the restrictions that strangled the rest of the world in the name of civilization. Laws were still laws, but there was plenty of room for interpretive justice. Out in the bush, right and wrong carried more weight than the pleadings of some slicktalking lawyer. A man could choose his own path, but if he crossed certain lines, he knew he’d be held accountable and pay a price. Friday and Saturday nights were when the beer flowed and drunken brawls broke out in the streets, and the weekend police force of five officers struggled to keep some semblance of peace. So I was a little startled when the town’s only weekday officer was banging on my door a little before midnight on Tuesday, yelling “Urgente!” Sgt. Duenas explained that there had been a serious situation down in Ocobaya, and wanted to know if I’d drive him down in my Jeep. Even on the narrow, heavily rutted dirt road, we could make the trip in about an hour. I said I’d be glad to drive him down, and then he nodded over to the corner of my room where I kept my Mossberg 12-gauge pump shotgun, and a leather shoulder rig with a 9mm pistol. It wasn’t just my pleasant personality and Jeep he was after. A little after one-thirty in the morning, we rolled past Ocobaya’s hardscrabble soccer field and into the town plaza. Every adobe and cinder block house in town had its front doors thrown open, and an eerie glow of yellow light from low-wattage bulbs poured out over the crowded plaza. In all the sound and confusion, attention was focused on a handful of bare-chested, blood-spattered men who stood at the front of the crowd. We slid out of the jeep and edged our way up to the group. I had the pistol holstered snugly under my left arm and it gave me comfort. I gripped the shotgun loosely, and kept the barrel aimed at the ground. Nobody noticed our arrival, so Sgt. Duenas nodded down at my 12-gauge. I knew what he wanted, racked a shell into the chamber and blasted a shot into the night. The crowd

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fell silent and gave us their attention. Sgt. Duenas shrugged his shoulders and turned his palms up to ask What’s going on? One of the blood-spattered men gently wrapped his arm around the shoulders of a young girl who was draped in a threadbare, floral-patterned sheet, and they came slowly toward us. The girl was fragile, like a dark-eyed porcelain doll. Tears had left little trails of tragedy on her dirty face. She was trying to be strong, but I doubt she could have stood without the big man cradling her close to his side. As the story unfolded, it seemed that one of the townsmen had gotten drunk and snatched this eleven-year-old girl from a group of her friends, and dragged her to the edge of the soccer field and assaulted her. By the time the other girls could get help, the young girl lay beaten and ravaged on the ground, and the drunk had stumbled home. Ocobaya was too small to have a full-time policeman, so the men of the town gathered for some interpretive justice. They dragged the assailant from his home, beat him to death in the town plaza, and buried him in a shallow grave about ten yards off the side of the road. When the drunk’s wife was identified, Sgt. Duenas asked her in a somber tone, “Did your husband do this crime?” The woman seemed almost indignant “He was drunk! And…” Duenas cut her off. “My question is, did he do it? Yes or no.” She looked to the ground in shame and replied, “Yes, he did it.” Sgt. Duenas gently patted the little girl draped in the floral sheet, and then looked into the dark eyes of her blood-spattered father and said, “You can’t bury a man at the side of the road. Take him to the cemetery.” With that said, Sgt. Duenas looked at me, and then turned and walked back to the Jeep. Sgt. Duenas didn’t utter a single word on the drive back to Chulumani that night, and in months that followed, nothing was said about our night in Ocobaya, and what had happened there. I understood why. I was one of them now. I saw that little girl from time to time over the next few years. She always had a shy little smile for me, like we shared a secret. She looked happy and confident, and had her own strength now.

by Kelly G. Reed

Here’s the deal. I lost a bet with a friend when the stinking Eagles beat our Cowboys and I had to treat him to lunch. I am not from Philadelphia and certainly am not a connoisseur of the sandwich. I do know a good meal and I do know what a good value is. Located in Dallas on Belt Line just west of the Tollway, Texadelphia has been open for a relatively short time but I believe it is making a big impact on diners looking for a nice meal that is affordable. As you walk in you’ll immediately notice the neo-style saloon with modern-day wainscoting is a perfect blend of Texas influence with plenty of seating. Overall Texadelphia has a nice ambiance. Social Food While scanning the menu from the line the first item to catch my eye was the “Social Food”—i.e., appetizers: chips paired with salsa, guacamole, or queso. Included here are the Queso Fries and Philly Cheese Fries, covered with Philly cheesesteak meat and queso. A meal in itself! Signature Cheesesteaks Texadelphia offers eight to choose from. The standard size is 8” or for the hungry the 10” sandwich. All are served with chips and salsa or for a little extra you can substitute fries. The Founder’s Favorite is the most popular and a good starting point when at Texadelphia. The sandwich consists of Angus beef with grilled onions, mozzarella cheese, mushrooms and jalapeños topped with a mustard blend. My buddy had the Left Coast sandwich. This one has chicken, chopped lettuce, diced tomatoes, guacamole and the mustard blend. Next

“Dude with an Appetite”

Texadelphia 5000 Belt Line Road - Suite 310 Dallas – 75254 PH: 972-385-3256 www.texadelphia.com time I’m in I’ll try the Hickory sandwich. It comes with aged cheddar, cherry peppers and homemade Hickory sauce. If you have a vegetarian friend with you, Texadelphia offers the Chipotle Black Bean Burger as a meatless option. The spicy veggie patty is topped with provolone, lettuce, tomatoes and onions. A second option would be their veggie deli sandwich which is toasted with melted cheddar and mozzarella, guacamole, lettuce, tomatoes and onions. They also have kid’s meals for $3.99 which comes with applesauce or fries and a drink. The Bar While not officially a sports bar, you can catch all the games on 18 hidef flat screens. The beer selection ranges from PBR to Stella Artois and everything in between. On draft are Bud Light, Dos Equis, Shiner, Blue Moon, Coors Light and Miller Lite. Glancing over the full bar I saw bottles of Grey Goose, Patron, Chivas, Grand Marnier and Cuervo to name a few. Wine is an option as are the margaritas. The prices are more than fair. At Happy Hour the drafts are a mere $2, the bottled beer is $2.50, and the regular price for a well drink is $3.50 all the time. All in all, though I lost the bet, I still came out a winner. I discovered a new venue with economically priced meals, a cool bar with great drink prices and for my sports viewing needs lots of TVs to take in a game. In closing I would say, “Come for the food and stay for the fun!”

JOKES

HORRORSCOPES

FUNNIES

Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan? A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. Q: What’s the difference between a professional cornhusker with epilepsy and a prostitute with dysentery? A: Well, one shucks between fits… Q: What’s the difference between snot and cauliflower? A: Kids will eat snot. Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm? A: Who cares?

Lecture Tour with a Difference On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the parking lot and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?” asked the police officer. “I’m on my way to a lecture,” answered Roger. “And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?” enquired the constable sarcastically. “My wife,” slurred Daniel grimly.

ACROSS: 1. A small growth of trees 6. Unwanted email 10. Quarries 14. What we’re called 15. List of choices 16. Modify written material 17. Spy 18. Products of human creativity 19. Make reference to 20. An irresistable urge to travel 22. Coke or Pepsi 23. Snake-like fish 24. Jubilant 26. Revenue 30. Rip up 32. Curtail 33. Tardy 35. Suffered 39. Ancient Roman magistrate 41. Tavern 42. Andean animal 43. Not a credit 44. All excited 46. Fifty-three in Roman numerals 47. False front

49. Terminates 51. Accomplish 54. Faster Than Light 55. Violent disturbance 56. A trait of dignified seriousness 63. Hindu princess 64. Absent without leave 65. Eagle’s nest 66. Chocolate cookie 67. Current event information 68. Skill 69. Sound the alarm 70. Coastal raptor 71. Emcees DOWN: 1. Chew on 2. Indian music 3. Portent 4. Sell 5. High regard 6. Tiny 7. South American country 8. Picnic insects 9. Compulsory military service 10. Indiscretion 11. Fool 12. What a book is called

13. Place 21. Anagram of “Leer” 25. Loyal 26. Chilled 27. Naked 28. Baby’s bed 29. Responsibility 30. Performance platform 31. Protagonist 34. Fabrics made from goat hair 36. Den 37. Radiate 38. Speaker’s platform 40. Decorative case 45. General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade 48. Irrational 50. Whitener 51. It’s shot from a bow 52. Crown 53. Laser printers need this 54. Bogus 57. Pitcher 58. Not up 59. A Roman emperor 60. Historical periods 61. Sieve 62. Collections

Xmas Shopping Well, it’s here. Christmas has reared its tinsel-lined face yet again. After sloughing through an entire month of terrible music and TV specials, it’s finally time to get the show on the road. The past few years, it seemed that the holiday season got dragged out for about a week, turning what should be a single day of celebration into what felt like a never ending stranglehold of cheer. That’s why I believe in the “Last Minute Gift” idea. Why stress yourself out by laboring over what to buy for friends and family? And what about the work parties, the extended family get-togethers and the neighborhood Xmas shindigs? I can see going out of your way for the people you love, but everyone else? Forget it. It’s simple. Just wait until the very last

by Pat Moran

“Man on his Throne”

minute and pick whatever store is closest to your house (And when I say last minute, I must stress that we’re talking around ten minutes before the store closes on Christmas Eve). It can be anything from a big box store to a gas station. Give yourself a handful of minutes and a couple bucks and just go to town. We’re talking Scratch Tickets for the kids (teaching them the value of money, but also the thrill of investment). We’re talking a case of beer for your siblings (Hell, why not buy them the nicer stuff. It’s the holidays.) We’re talking a new pair of socks, crossword puzzle book, a magazine subscription (just pull out one of the bill me later cards and you’re set), and whatever else is sitting close to the door. If it’s the thought that counts and not the act, then it really shouldn’t matter what you get people for Christmas. Not only will it save you time and money but it will also allow you to feel completely smug and proud of yourself when you see all the other sad bastards breaking their backs shopping at the mall.