VOL. 2 - ISSUE 25
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BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile / Movie Reviews 4 Blitz Music: Practice Safe Music 5 Mavs and Stars News 6 UNT / SMU / TCU Previews 7 UFC 110 Preview 8 COVER STORY: Thai Cuisine What’s In Thailand 9 Thai Restaurants 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Brooklyn 12 Edwards’ Latest Tell-All 13 Restaurant Review: Cowtown Diner 14 Blitz Toys 15 The Fan Top 10 with Sybil 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Olympics Schmolympics 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jennifer Wayne CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER: Damien William Mayfield CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Paddy Briggs, Yu-Ping Chen, Manny Flores PHOTOGRAPHERS Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Kent Gilley, Tim Gravens, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Tony Barone, Brian Beard, Kris Boudreau, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Rich Hancock, Andrew J. Hewett, Eric Kendall, Frank LaCosta, Jayson Larson, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Craig Smith, Joe Stumpo, Sybil Summers and Jesse Whitman CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I’m addicted. I’m addicted to golf.” -- Tiger Woods
Andrew J. Hewett
www.chewednews.com
MAN SMASHES 29 TVs WITH BAT
Police in Georgia say a 23-year-old man grabbed a baseball bat inside of a Walmart and smashed 29 flat-screen televisions. Police in Lilburn near Atlanta have charged Westley Strellis with 29 counts of criminal damage to property in the second degree. Witnesses told police he grabbed a metal baseball bat from the sporting goods section Wednesday, walked to the electronics department and destroyed the TVs on display. He was arrested not long after that. Police say the televisions are valued at over $22,000.
MAN ALLEGEDLY TRIED TO BUY BOYS’ URINE
Manhattan Beach police have arrested a man they claim tried to buy urine from boys at an elementary school. Sgt. Brian Brown said an 18-year-old man was arrested on Monday for investigation of annoying children. He remained jailed Wednesday on $150,000 bail. Authorities believe the man walked into a restroom at Pacific Elementary School last week and offered two boys several dollars to urinate in a cup. School officials said they refused. Brown said investigators suspect the man was trying to collect urine to pass drug tests.
TEEN AND LUNCH LADY FOOD BRAWL
A Connecticut school cafeteria worker and a 13-year-old girl face criminal charges after police said a food fight turned into a real fight. Waterbury police said the fifth-grader at Gilmartin Elementary School threw vegetables at 55-year-old lunch aide Rosa Robles last Thursday, and Robles responded by throwing vegetables in the girl’s face. Police said a fight broke out when the girl punched Robles in the face. Authorities said both suffered cut lips, and the girl also had scratches on her face. School officials said Robles is on paid leave and the girl has been suspended. Robles posted $500 bail after being charged with assault and other crimes. Police didn’t release the girl’s name or the charges she faces because of her age.
HIS TOYS WERE REAL HUMAN SOLDIERS On January 28, 1547, King Henry VIII died, leaving the future of England to his son, Edward VI, who, at that time, was 9-years-old. GHOSTS DON’T EAT OR BATHE, SO WHAT’S THE PROBLEM? South China Post reported the Hong Kong Housing Authority was having a problem renting out about 80 apartments because perspective tenants felt they were haunted. That’s because, inside each, either a murder or suicide had occurred. Even homeless families refused, preferring to remain on a long waiting list for an unusual vacancy in any of the other 3,000 government apartments offered for the most needy. HOPE THERE’S NO MIX-UP AT BEDTIME? In August 1995, Ronald Legendre married his fiancée, Hope. They were married by Judge Ronald Legendre, who was not related to the groom in any way. And, the best man, who was kin to neither the groom nor judge, was also named Ronald Legendre.
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HOLLYWOOD PROFILE
BLITZREVIEWS By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com
Wa s t i n g o u r m o n ey s o yo u d o n ’t h a ve t o !
with Martin Scorsese
by: Vivian Fullerlove
“Enterainment’s Real Critic”
You know an artist has reached the highest echelons of stardom when full names are no longer necessary, like Cher, Madonna, Spielberg, etc. Well, Scorsese is by far one of the film industry’s most respected and accomplished figures of all time. With over fifty films to his credit, forty years in the business and almost 100 various awards, he’s definitely one of the greatest filmmakers of all time. We caught up with Scorsese to talk with him about his new dramatic thriller Shutter Island, which opens in theatres next week. Tell us about the movie? Two marshals, Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo) are going to an island off of Boston Harbor that has a very unique prison hospital for the criminally insane. It’s a very special hospital, and it doesn’t have that many patients, only about sixty or seventy, with different levels of treatment. A female patient has escaped and these two marshals have to go there to investigate and try and find her. What attracted you to the project? One of the elements that attracted me to the story was the nature of the genre. This picture seems to have its roots in a number of genres. Primarily, I guess what you would call it is a psychological thriller with touches of gothic horror or implications of gothic horror, and I found that I couldn’t put the script down, and I was constantly surprised by the different levels
of the story. It’s also the type of picture I like to watch. I see you turned to one of your favorites for this one, Leonardo DiCaprio. Why is he on your “go to” list? I immediately agreed that he should do it because I knew, by this point, we have a way of working together now, and I knew the different emotional and psychological levels that his character Teddy had to reach. That character’s journey is a huge part of the draw of the film, right? It’s not necessarily the nature of how the story is told or the setting, but it is really what happens to the character of Teddy I found very moving. Why should people go see Shutter Island? There’s really a creepy, threatening sense about it. Shutter Island opens next week. The film is rated R for disturbing violent content, language and some nudity. I want to hear from you! Email the name of your favorite Martin Scorsese film to trivia@reelcriticstv.com for a chance to win a pair of movie tickets to the Studio Movie Grill. For all of the week’s new releases and more of your favorite celebrities, check out my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas Programming tab!
The Wolfman: There’s a lot to like about director Joe Johnston’s faithful remake of the
1941 horror classic. Like the original, the new version takes place in England in the late 1800s. The forests still look ominous at night and in daylight, you never see the sun. The casting is perfect with Anthony Hopkins as the eccentric millionaire father, residing in a candle-lit, multiple-roomed estate, who may be hiding a dark secret about some monster slaughtering people in the dead of night throughout the countryside. Benicio Del Toro, with his tall menacing frame and wooden cane, looks every bit out of place as Hopkins’ son and a Shakespearean actor who returns to his native homeland to help bury and investigate the grisly death of his brother. Emily Blunt is the mourning damsel in distress who thinks she can tame whatever is out there in a tragic story that bears similarities to Beauty and the Beast. Lastly, there is Hugo Weaving’s Inspector Aberline on the hunt with silver bullets in hand. There is no doubt the one reason The Wolfman was remade was to improve upon the visual effects from over sixty years ago. Thankfully, in a time where filmmakers put a major emphasis on the million dollar computer-generated effects, The Wolfman’s CGI images don’t steal the show. Bottom line: the actors and the story are what matter more. If there’s one flaw, it’s that the scares and suspense are not nearly as good as the setting and casting—for which I am recommending the film.
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MUSIC: Super Bowl Playlist 1. Walk This Way
Practice Safe Music
The Police - Reggatta de Blanc
3. Cowboy
Kid Rock – Devil Without A Cause
4. Hot in Herre
Nelly - Nellyville
5. Rhythm Nation
Janet Jackson - Rhythm Nation 1814
6. Start Me Up
by: Kristopher Boudreau “The Unsafe Listener”
I am in a struggle with the NFL to agree with their recent choices of halftime entertainment at the Super Bowl. First, I would like to state that I am a fan of The Who (and the past six acts that have performed at halftime of the Super Bowl), but The Who just looked old and out of place and they tried to hide it with a flashy light show behind them. Most of you have noticed every act since the notorious “wardrobe malfunction” has been a “safe” older singer or band that is at least 20 years past their prime, in a pop music sense. It’s apparent that these halftime shows could use some youth and exuberance. As the best run professional sports league, certainly in America, and maybe globally, the NFL uncharacteristically refuses to push the envelope. You can certainly understand why halftime shows have gone safer. After Janet Jackson was exposed, much of the talk was taken away from a superb Super Bowl between the Patriots and Panthers, and instead was deflected to controversy of a mili-second PG-13 glitch in attire preparation that Justin Timberlake was not briefed on. Another plausible cause for the push towards an older audience was to attract the demographic (35-50) that will spend money on commercial advertisement products as opposed to a younger age group. However,
Aerosmith – Toys In The Attic
2. Message in a Bottle
the NFL’s goal should be to grow the sport by attracting a younger, newer audience. The NFL is hip and needs a musical act to compliment that. I am disappointed that the NFL has gone so safe after one slip up. The Super Bowl is the most watched television event in America, and in most years, the world. It quadruples the viewership of the Grammy’s, an event where you have the most popular musical acts of ‘now’ perform. If the Lifetime Achievements Award winners don’t perform at the Grammys, why should they perform at the Super Bowl? The Super Bowl is America’s most popular sport so why not compliment that with America’s most popular musicians. Many agree that the best Super Bowl halftime show was Super Bowl XXXV where you at least combined some old with some new. That was headlined by Aerosmith, Britney Spears, Nelly, Mary J. Blige and NSYNC. These were the most popular artists that year. The time has come and gone for The Who, Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty, Prince, The Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney. Let’s go back to the days where the Super Bowl was a stage where the biggest acts of today can perform on the biggest stage there is.
The Rolling Stones – Tattoo You
7. Just a Girl
No Doubt – Tragic Kingdom
8. Hey Jude
Beatles - Revolution
9. Pinball Wizard
The Who – My Generation
10. The Super Bowl Shuffle
Chicago Bears Shufflin’ Crew - Single
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MAVS:News
STARS:News
by: Geoff Case
“Mavericks Analyst”
The record-setting crowd at Cowboys Stadium during the NBA All-Star Game hogged the headlines, but the announcement of the Mavs/Wizards trade was the best part of last weekend--a trade putting them back into contender status. The Mavericks have been terrible this season defending the paint due to Erick Dampier’s bum knees and lack of depth at center. The arrival of big-bodied Brendan Haywood instantly knocks the Mavericks interior defense up a level. He’s tough and physical. He will alter shots and muscle in for tough rebounds. The acquisition of Caron Butler gives Dallas a true secondary scorer and perimeter defender. Butler has the ability to score when he’s played one-onone so opposing defenses can’t focus in on just Dirk Nowitzki. Everyone headed to the Mavericks has that toughness label attached to their names. Kobe Bryant told the Mavs what to expect from his former teammate Caron Butler: “You’re going to love him. I hate to say that, but you guys are going to absolutely love him. You put him on a contender and I’m telling you, you’re going to love him. And he’s tough as nails, too.”
Upcoming Opponents: 2/19 at Orlando Magic – The favorite to win the Eastern Conference loves to play Western contenders. They’ll be up for this one.
2/20 vs Miami Heat – The Mavs should beat the Heat at home, but anything is possible when Dywane Wade is an opponent. 2/22 vs Indiana Pacers – The Pacers’ 18-34 record at the All-Star break is their worst mark since they were 11-35 during the 1988-89 season. ‘Nuff said. 2/24 vs Los Angeles Lakers – The Mavericks won’t be at full speed with Butler and Haywood still learning the ropes but it’s still going to be fun to watch. My prediction for this stretch: 3-1
“That Hockey Guy”
Will the Stars go Cuban? Photo Courtesy: Gregg Case
Mavs get bigger, better
by: Richard “Rocket” Pollak
Dallas Stars Icon Mike Modano has only makes him a more viable candidate for publically expressed a desire to be a part the Stars. McDavid has publically stated of the new ownership group of the Dallas that he had daily conversations with Hicks Stars. He has connected a potential buyer about the Rangers but failed to make it to to Dallas Mavericks Owner Mark Cuban. the final 3. It was only a matter of time According to Cuban, “I would only be a once the completion of the sale of the Texas minority investor; it only Rangers Baseball Club makes sense to increase my by Dallas Stars Hockey interest in the AAC through Owner Tom Hicks a minor ownership of the that it would become Stars.” Modano’s stake in official that Hicks the club would probably would also be selling be financially limited and his NHL Franchise. more for him to serve as an Hicks has hand Ambassador (like current cuffed first year GM Vice President of Fun, Brett Joe Niewendyk with a Hull). limited player budget Modano has said in the that is 26th in a league past that he wanted to have of 30 at $10-$12 million some ties to the game of below the salary cap. hockey after he retires and We only hope that the definitely would make Dallas new ownership sees his permanent home. David our original vision McDavid looks to be the top and keeps Jeff Cogen candidate for the Stars. His driving the Stars failed attempt at buying the Success Ship! Atlanta Thrashers, Atlanta Hawks and Phillips Arena Photo Courtesy: Manny Flores
7 - Tony Barone
- Tony Barone
UNT is playing great basketball, winning six of their last seven games. Thursday, they traveled to New Orleans. Josh White, who is from Louisiana, led all scorers with 18 points in his homecoming. The Mean Green defense was the key to the game as they held the Privateers to 23 percent shooting--the lowest an opponent has shot against them since the 2005-06 season opener. North Texas never trailed in the game, winning 68-46. Saturday, they battled with Denver in a game with eight lead changes and eight ties in the second half. Shannon Shorter kept them in the game early with solid play and ended up with 13 points. UNT had four players who finished in double figures scoring. Josh White put the team on his back, hitting all six of his free throw attempts and scored the team’s final nine points to win 64-59. They’re now 17-8 on the season (10-2 at home). George Odufuwa is one of only 24 guys in the nation averaging a double-double. They travel to play Houston Baptist on Monday. Saturday, they face the University of ArkansasLittle Rock at home.
The Mustangs had two Conference USA losses last week, dropping their conference record to 4-6 for the season. Derrick Caracter had 16 points and eight rebounds to lead UTEP to a 62-51 victory over SMU Wednesday night in Moody Coliseum. Mouhammad Faye had 19 points and nine rebounds for the Mustangs. His basket just before halftime gave the Mustangs a 24-22 lead at the break, but UTEP came out quickly in the second half, scoring 9 of the first 11 points to take a 31-26 advantage. The Miners never relinquished the lead, shooting 61% from the field in the second half. Saturday, Kelvin Lewis scored 29 points to lead Houston to a 66-60 victory over SMU. Derek Williams had 24 points for SMU. The Mustangs continue Conference USA play this week against two teams they beat earlier in the season. Wednesday, the Rice Owls travel to Dallas in hopes of avenging a 73-65 loss to SMU on January 20. Saturday, the Mustangs travel to take on the Memphis Tigers. The Tigers are in second place in Conference USA, mostly because SMU beat them 70-60 earlier in the season.
After splitting two Mountain West conference games last week, TCU’s conference record is 4-7, good for seventh place. Former Hurst L.D. Bell Standout Marshall Henderson scored 24 points in leading Utah to a 6455 victory over TCU Wednesday night. Henderson, who played just 25 minutes, scored Utah’s first eight points and had 14 in the first half as the Utes took a 3229 lead. Nikola Cerina led TCU with 17 points and Ronnie Moss added 12. TCU was 8-for-29 from the field in the second half. Utah was 16-for-18 from the freethrow line; TCU was 14-for-15. Cerina continued strong on Saturday, scoring 21 points, leading TCU to a 76-68 victory over Wyoming. The Frogs used a 14-2 run to take a 39-31 lead at halftime. With TCU leading 65-64, Edvinas Ruzgas hit a 3-pointer and Cerina added two freethrows to put the Horned Frogs up by six with 1:33 remaining. Greg Hill made a 3-pointer with 52 seconds left to seal the win. The Horned Frogs play Mountain West conference foe San Diego State Aztecs on Tuesday at TCU. The Aztecs are in third place in the Mountain West (7-4 conference record).
Pee Wee Football The sports world can be full of outlandish stories. Lane Kiffin, the newly-hired football coach for the USC Trojans, is no stranger to the headlines. He’s all over the map since being hired as the Oakland Raiders coach in January 2007 at the age of 31, making him the youngest head coach in NFL history. He was fired a year later by owner Al Davis who called him “a flat-out liar” and said he was guilty of “bringing disgrace to the organization.” He was hired to be the football coach for the University of Tennessee in November 2008. He loved the school so much that when his third son was born, he made his middle name Knox after the city of Knoxville. A year later he quit. Kiffin has only been the Trojan coach
for a month and already he’s done something to grab the headlines: He offered a scholarship to a 13 year-old quarterback from Delaware. David Sills, a seventh grader, has verbally committed to play at USC. “USC has always been my dream school. If it was any other college, I probably wouldn’t have said yes, but all it is really is a verbal commitment, so I can get out of it if I wanted to.” He can’t sign an official letter of intent to play until 2015. With Kiffin’s track record, though, it’s hard for me to believe he will still be at USC in 2015. Videos of Sills are all over YouTube and I have watched several of them. He’s good, but not any better than some of the guys I played against at 13. Steve
by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com
Clarkson, one of the most accomplished quarterback teachers in the country, recommended the kid to Kiffin. Clarkson has mentored big names at his California academy including: Ben Roethlisberger, Matt Leinart and current USC quarterback Matt Barkley. Sills may turn out great or could be burnt out on football and the attention by the time he hits the big 18. At 13, he should be playing his Wii, looking forward to the next school dance or the day he’s old enough to open a MySpace account. What will Kiffin do next? I can give him the name of a 4 year-old who looks like a future linebacker.
NBA: LA Lakers vs Boston
Thursday, Feb 18 – 9:30 PM – Staples Center – TNT What’s the best thing to do on a Thursday night? (Other than watching “Vampire Diaries” with your emo-girlfriend) Watch two of the most revered basketball dynasties play in their first matchup since the All-Star break. Both are in first place, too, of course. Nuff said.
NBA: Dallas vs Phoenix
Wednesday, Feb 17 – 8:00 PM – AAC – ESPN You always get a good game when Phoenix comes to town. This is also your first chance to see the results of the Mavs recent 7 player trade that sent JoHo & Drew Gooden to Washington. Hopefully, our new additions will break out in their first game and prove Cuban to be a mastermind yet again.
Photo Courtesy: Gregg Case
- Craig Smith
NBA: Dallas vs Orlando
Friday, Feb 19 – 7:00 PM – Amway Arena – ESPN Hopefully, after a game under their belt with their new acquisitions, the Mavs can show up in Orlando ready to shut down the Magic. This trade even got Kobe to admit he fears Dallas will now be on par with the Lakers. I like the sound of that.
Olympic Hockey: USA vs Canada
Sunday, Feb 21 – 6:45 – Vancouver – MSNBC So you’re a hockey fan, right? Well, lucky for you, the Olympics came along just in time to give our Dallas Stars a nice rest. Maybe they’ll come back ready to make a last chance effort for the playoffs. In the meantime, let’s cheer on our boys to beat our neighbors to the North.
8 by: Brian Beard
by: Geoff Case
“Ultimate Fighter”
“Mavericks Analyst”
Snow problem? No problem!
E
verything really is bigger in Texas. Dallas and Arlington hosted the biggest and baddest All-Star Game to date despite historically horrific weather and road conditions. Sunday’s NBA All-Star Game drew 108,713 fans to Cowboys Stadium to set a new basketball record. That figure was announced by Mark Cuban at midcourt, with Jones standing by his side. The most credit should go to Jerry Jones, who has single-handedly put the DFW area back into the national spotlight as the premier place to host the biggest events in the world. The $1.2 billion Cowboys Stadium has become a national monument that leaves visitors’ mouths open wide with amazement with its groundbreaking technology and innovation. Credit Mark Cuban, who stuck to his guns against displacing his seasonticket holders seats to celebrities and their entourages. Cuban had no interest in hosting the game at American Airlines Center, a stance commissioner David Stern
said he understood. Cuban suggested to the league the idea of staging this year’s weekend at two venues. Stern praised the collaboration between Cuban and Jones, saying it will produce a “combination of celebration, family reunion and making North Texas the basketball capital of the world for several days.” The end result was something that Texas will not forget and injected an economic boost that any city in the country would be salivating at. Cuban added the attendance and party scene would “make the Super Bowl look like a bar mitzvah.” It was pulled off brilliantly and despite any rants that may go on in this space; we are lucky to have two of the most passionate and dedicated owners in all of professional sports. Say what you want about their methods, but Mark Cuban and Jerry Jones can never be accused of not putting their heart and souls into their team year in and year out. That dedication to the fans and their franchises was the reason this All-Star Game came to fruition.
Celebrity Game:
Mark Cuban went 0-7, but showed some hustle chasing a loose ball, but couldn’t handle the stifling defense of Chris Tucker. And you know this man!
All-Star Saturday Night:
Photo Courtesy: Yu-Ping Chen
Texas wins the All-Star Shooting Stars challenge on a half-court shot from Dirk Nowitzki. The (adopted) hometown hero comes up big to beat Team LA. The 2010 Dunk completion was easily the worst in NBA All-Star history. No big names besides Gerald Wallace, who appeared to be ready for a nap. Nate Robinson won the contest, but only because someone had to.
The 2010 All-Star Game:
The historic game was filled with highlight dunks and sick alley-oop passes that have made the game famous. It’s the greatest pick-up game in the world and it delivered. The MVP honors went to Dwyane Wade, but a few players could have made a case for the award. The biggest outcome of the game is that DFW has put itself on the NBA map for repeat All-Star site appearances. The people of the DFW areas really stepped up and delivered one of professional sport’s biggest events despite challenging odds.
Minotauro Nogueira (32-5-1) vs. Cain Velasquez (7-0-0):
The winner of this one is next in line for a title shot at heavyweight and it should be a good one. Cain is so explosive and aggressive. He will be tough to deal with. Nog may be the toughest mofo to ever step foot in the cage. He’s incredibly hard to finish, however, Frank Mir recently did it via TKO. I’m wondering if youth and athleticism may pass up experience and grit here. Nog has the advantage in the submission category, but Cain will be incredibly tough to submit. Cain by TKO in the 2nd. Brown Pride reigns supreme (see Cain’s tat on his chest).
Wanderlei Silva vs. Michael Bisping:
This is a very dangerous fight for Bisping. He was recently ktfo by Dan Henderson who’s a somewhat unorthodox power-puncher. Well, bad news for Bisping: Wandy is about as unorthodox as they come. I think Bisping is a raw cat and a good fighter. I also think that Wandy is on his downhill slide. He still has a few good ones left in him, though. Wandy will knock Bisping from Australia back to England and Bisping’s career will be in serious jepordy. Wandy by KO in the 2nd.
Mirko Cro Cop vs. Ben “Big Dick” Rothwell:
Rothwell is a huge, surprisingly athletic fighter. He moves well and has a good skill set. He was destroyed in his last fight with Cain Velasquez, but don’t write him off. Cro Cop has been less than stellar since his arrival in the UFC, sporting a 2-3 record, but he has undeniable power and striking ability. If Ben has a prayer, he will need this fight on the ground quickly, which can be done. Cro Cop generally has good take down defense, but I’m not sure he’s entirely comfortable with the cage yet. I still pick Cro Cop by 1st round KO via strikes on the ground. Presented By: The Gym • 921 West Mayfield #112 • Arlington, Texas 817-652-1555 • www.thegym.org
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by: Eric Kendell
“Asian by Association”
It’s the year 2553. You’ve traveled a great distance and arrive in a modern and festive city. Despite being a stranger in a strange land, it is somewhat familiar and its inhabitants are hospitable. You are greeted by a local who offers you a ride in his vehicle which he refers to as “Tuk-Tuk.” You’re eager to explore, but you’ll need fuel for your trek, so ask your driver to find sustenance. Soon you find yourself in front of what would be best described as a “food cart.” The aromas are so fantastic, you are embarrassingly drooling. Unsure of the local cuisine, you cleverly ask for the “special” and receive a bowl of Thai Jok – rice porridge with veggies, shreds of meat and eggs. “So…where am I exactly?” might be going through your head right now. Well, I’ll give you a hint – although you aren’t a time traveler (unless you have a trickedout Delorean), you have traveled somewhere amazing, unique and quite different from America. Welcome to Thailand! Oh, and yeah, it’s still 2010. The Thai calendar is based on Buddah’s death, which occurred approximately 2553 years ago. This was adopted by Thailand in 1940 and just one of many interesting facts about this distant land. Peak your curiosity yet? There’s much more to find out before you book that flight. Thailand, which means “Land of the Free,” was never colonized and, in turn, has retained most of its original culture. It’s gained a reputation as being one of the most beautiful and culturally diverse areas in Southeast Asia. The geography offers islands, beaches, jungles, mountains and fast-paced urban cities. If you’re looking for a beach atmosphere, Phuket is the hot-spot. Here, tourists can sunbathe, take island excursions and party in the nightlife scene. They have what’s known as a “Beer Bars”--a small bar with a few stools. You can have a beer, play games or chat with the ladies working in the bar. Popular games include connect four, jenga and dice games. If you like a girl, you can buy her a drink, which she earns commission off of. Looking for something more historic? In Chiang Mai, you can tour a working elephant camp, visit the Mae Sa Waterfall or the Museum of World Insects and Natural Wonders, an unusual museum featuring butterflies, beetles and more. If you like sports, this might be your destination of choice. Kawila Boxing Stadium has Muay Thai (the national sport of Thailand) fights every Friday with 10 bouts ranging from young debutant fighters, local champions and locals versus foreigners. Bangkok is the capital of Thailand and the largest urban area. Bangkok is a mecca of commercial, industrial and cultural activities. It’s visually stunning and hosts a variety of the nation’s landmarks--the Grand Palace, Wat Phra Keo (which houses the Emerald Buddha) and Dusit Maha Prasat Hall. Regardless for what reason you visit the “Land of Smiles,” you are sure to fall victim to its many mesmerizing attractions.
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11617 N. Central Expressway Suite 135 • Dallas – 75243 PH: 214-363-6655 • www.asainmint.com Why It’s Blitz Worthy: Asian Mint offers a great selection of Asian dishes with a specialty in fresh flavors fromThailand and well known for having the best Pad Thai in town! The wait staff are courteous and provide friendly, quick service. They cater and can host large private parties offsite. They also offer cooking classes. Ask for details! Known For: Soft Shell Crab w/ Spicy Mayo, Chicken Satay, Pad Thai, Basil Crispy Sea Bass, Mongolian Beef On The Side: $1 sushi nights on Mondays and Tuesdays, Italian illy coffee and espresso, full bar with great signature martini drinks, Green Tea Cake
4701 W Park Blvd. • Plano – 75093 PH: 972-599-0289 • www.mangothaicuisine.com Why It’s Blitz Worthy: Mango Thai is located in an older shopping center, but once you step inside, you’ll feel like you’re in some secret art district. The décor is bright orange and the setting is small and cozy. Take a girl here and she will think you’re trendy yet down-to-earth. The service is awesome, too. The owner says they “always enjoys meeting new people.” Known For: Crab Avocado Spring Rolls, Dim Sum, Larb Gai, Mango Sea Bass, Chili Mint, Krapow Fried Rice On The Side: a second location to serve Dallas, over ten years in the business
4246 Oak Lawn Avenue • Dallas – 75219 PH: 214-219-6468 • www.themintdallas.com Why It’s Blitz Worthy: The newest branch on Oak Lawn Avenue has a comfortable vibe. Monday – Friday Happy Hours offer $2 off all soups, salads, appetizers and all beer and house wine is $3.00. Check out their Bangkok Style Thai Cuisine Menu. We really like the Pad Thai and Roast Duck in Red Curry. Known For: Pad Kee Mow, Pineapple Cashew Shrimp Fried Rice, Spicy Tuna Crisps, Crab Lover’s Special, Seared Tuna Salad On The Side: Green Tea Cake, full bar with signature martinis, Lemon Grass Soda, Mint Water, gluten free menu
665 High Market Street • Dallas - 75219 PH: 214-953-0023 Why It’s Blitz Worthy: Naga is located in Victory Park. I know you just immediately thought, “too expensive,” but most of the entrees are $12. I think that’s a little less than what you would spend on concessions inside the AAC and this is much better than the over-cooked burgers and tough tenders. The perfect pre-game destination with a cozy sunken dining room boasting plush seating, you may not want to leave. Known For: Tum-Kha, Volcanic Chicken, Braised Duck in Pinot Noir with a Deep-Fried Boiled Egg, Pad Thai, Chicken Satay (ask for extra sauce), Duck Salad, Drunken Noodles On The Side: delicious fresh fruit mojitos, a wine room with a selection that is second to none with aggressive pricing, friendly staff, comfortable, a sexy waiting lounge, rich décor
18111 Dallas Parkway Suite 200 • Dallas – 75287 PH: 469-533-8424 Why It’s Blitz Worthy: When in North Dallas, there is no better Thai restaurant than River Spice. This full service restaurant has an inviting, calm atmosphere. The lunch menu offers you a choice of the soup of the day or the popular house salad with peanut dressing and an egg roll. The portions served here are Texas sized. You can catch the big game on of their two HD flat screen tvs. Known For: Angel Wings, Drunken Noodles, River Spice Seafood Hot Skillet, Pla Lad Prik (Red Snapper), Chicken Rad Nah On The Side: “Waterfall Greeting,” intimate island seating, great for private parties, authentic “homemade” dishes, delivery to your office
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215 Grand Avenue • Southlake – 76092 PH: 817-251-6674 Why It’s Blitz Worthy: Located in Southlake’s beautiful town center, this restaurant has the classiness you would expect in the ritzy suburb without the high price. The average entrée will run you around $9. They are also one of those places that understand the male need for ridiculous spicy food to challenge friends to consume. Their Level 5 Spicy Basil is not something to be taken lightly. Known For: Massaman Curry, Pineapple Curry, Beef Pad See Ew, Pineapple Fried Rice, Drunken Noodles On The Side: extensive drink selection, intimate setting perfect for dates, walking distance from dozens of shops, friendly service
5635 Alpha Road • Dallas - 75240 PH: 972-960-1313 • www.thaitaneecafe.com Why It’s Blitz Worthy: This family-owned Thai Café is just minutes away from the Galleria and Valley View Malls. They serve up traditional Thai family and vegetarian dishes with a friendly smile and attentive service. The inviting décor welcomes you for a pleasant dining experience. Daily lunch specials are served with a crispy spring roll and your choice of soup or salad. Known For: Panang Red Curry, Pad Kee Mow (Spicy Basil Noodles) Spicy Basil Fried Rice, Thai Dumplings, Red Snapper in Basil Sauce On The Side: BYOB, free delivery, family run business for over 25 years, no msg, excellent for business dining
1731 Greenville Avenue • Dallas – 75206 PH: 214-828-9795 • www.thaithairestaurant.blogspot.com Why It’s Blitz Worthy: Thai Thai on lower Greenville is now under new management. Their lunch buffet for $6.95 is the real deal. From 11am – 3pm you can choose from over ten different entrees. They offer free delivery up to 5 miles from the restaurant. The Thai Thai Fried Rice is incredible and served in a bowl made from an actual pineapple. Known For: Tilapia Holy Basil, Lobster Tail, Crispy Duck, Snapper Fish, Mango Paradise On The Side: BYOB, catering, private parties, family-owned restaurant, free delivery
4315 Lemmon Avenue • Dallas – 75219 PH: 214-520-8868 • www.waiwaikitchen.com Why It’s Blitz Worthy: This fast paced, affordably priced, dine in restaurant is coming up on its one year anniversary. Typically your meal will be served in 10 minutes or less, hence the name Wai Wai which literally translates as really quick in Thai. The ambiance is very upbeat and modern. The Lemmon Avenue location serves up eight different cold brews, house wine and sake is coming soon! Known For: Drunken Noodles, Cashew Stir Fry, Green Curry, Basil Stir Fry, Tulip Dumplings On The Side: SMU students can show their school id for a free egg roll with their entrée at the Mockingbird location, sake coming soon, sushi available, free delivery, catering
2500 N Central Expressway • Plano – 75074 PH: 214-473-9797 • www.zennarestaurant.com Why It’s Blitz Worthy: This is the Thai joint for those who like to party. Drive by this place anytime from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. and you’ll be shocked by the crowd. Their happy hour is everyday during this time. They have 50 cent drafts, $2 frozen margaritas and hot sake and $3 house wine. Plus, sushi is $1 during happy hour. Known For: Tuna Tartar, Crab Rangoon Dip, Thai Pepper Steak, Garlic Crispy, Tom Yum Koong, Lamb Chops, Golden Samosa On The Side: Chicken Wings and Calamari for the guy who isn’t into Thai, Japanese offerings, sushi, extensive booze selection
13 Sorry guys, but male orgasms aren’t that mysterious or interesting, and with the soaring population, it looks like having them hasn’t been much of a challenge. But the female orgasm is a whole other story, especially for those of you thinking, “Women actually have orgasms?” Yes, not only do they exist, but sex researcher Dr. Beverly Whipple has discovered that the G-spot connects to the same nerve pathways in the brain that deal with pain, suggesting that it can have pain-relieving effects as well as other health benefits for both females and males:
by: Joe Stumpo
www.darthstumpo.com
Edwards’
Latest Tell-All – Nothing More Than Tabloid Trash
I
t is one thing to commit adultery in a 32-year long marriage. It’s another when the husband commits adultery at the time his wife is battling terminal cancer. That’s all, however, between John Edwards and God. It’s not my place to point out what he did as morally reprehensible or, despite my intense dislike of the Democratic Party, use Edwards’ downfall as a means to do a little Mexican hat dance on his political tombstone. This is no doubt something conservative talk show hosts Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and commentators like Ann Coulter do and as recently as the past two weeks been doing with the release of author Andrew Young’s book, The Politician, which reportedly goes into far greater detail about the Edwards’ affair. What bothers me with the release of Young’s book is it’s not newsworthy. Ok, it’s newsworthy from a trashy tabloid standpoint, which again, is something the conservative talk show circuit have no problem discussing when a liberal Democrat’s infidelities take center stage. Like the Tiger Woods scandal, Edwards’ downfall has gotten worse, if you are to believe the allegations written in Young’s book. Young, who was Edwards’ former aide during the 2008 presidential campaign, said in an article in People the reason he wrote the book was “so the truth can be told.” Among the allegations briefly covered in US Weekly: Edwards supposedly made a sex tape with Hunter in 2007. The tape is reportedly in Young’s possession in a safety deposit box should it be needed to corroborate his story in any future investigations. There is the story that Hunter told Young how she spent the night at the Edwards’ home while Elizabeth was out promoting her book back in 2006. “The next morning, Hunter slept in while the senator made breakfast for the kids and then drove them to school,” Young was
by: Jesse Whitman
“A Woman’s Perspective”
*Research shows that an active sex life may correlate to a reduced risk of heart disease and cancer. *The hormone oxytocin that is released during orgasm helps reduce tension and anxiety. *It helps insomnia. In one study, 32 percent of women used “self-stimulation” as a sleep aide. Timeline
quoted saying in US Weekly. That same year, Edwards told his wife that Hunter was a “one-night stand.” Of course, everyone now knows otherwise. Another allegation: When Hunter went into labor Feb. 26, 2008, she asked Young to call Edwards, who, in turn, refused to speak to her. A month later Edwards asked Young to get one of the baby’s dirty diapers for a DNA test to prove whether or not he was the father. Edwards also wanted a fabricated DNA test in case it turned out he WAS the father. Elizabeth Edwards, on the other hand, was no angel either according to the US Weekly article. She reportedly saw her cancer diagnosis as a means to boost Edwards’ poll numbers, encouraging him to seek the presidency. There are only two things that are true now: Edwards finally admitting on Jan. 21 that he is the father of 23month-old Frances Quinn Hunter and the Edwards’ 32-year marriage is now over (Elizabeth calling it quits). I have seen The Politician out on display at bookstores, and not only do I not intend to waste money on it, I have no intention of even browsing through it just out of sheer curiosity. Young’s book is tabloid trash. I equate it with that of 1998’s The Starr Report: The Findings of Independent Counsel by Kenneth W. Starr. Edwards’ scandal may not be the case of the sperm-stained blue dress that almost sunk a presidency, but all the tawdry tidbits we’ve heard about since then is enough to make sleazy comparisons to that huge piece of evidence that plagued President Bill Clinton.
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FOOD REVIEW
The Pick of the Week:
T
by: Jayson Larson
“Man on the Inside”
he Cowtown Diner is the newest addition to the restaurant scene in Fort Worth. It has a prime location right in the heart of the downtown’s entertainment district, Sundance Square. With its spot in the historic Plaza Hotel building, it has easy access to everything from the AMC Palace 9 theatre and Bass Hall to the Renaissance Worthington Hotel and Hyena’s Comedy Club. When we walked in the front entrance on Main Street, the place actually has that “diner” feel to it. There’s a bar to the right that has a couple of flat screen TVs if someone wanted to watch some Dallas Mavericks or Dallas Stars action. The bar also has the potential to drum up some serious business with the work force of downtown looking for a good happy hour spot. We were seated in a booth about halfway to the back of the 5,100 square foot restaurant. The place has the vibe of a comfortable country lodge, yet still manages to appear chic. There is also a shaded outdoor patio that will be a great spot when the weather is nice. It seemed pretty crowded for a Monday evening, but our waiter was quick to point out that the Fort Worth Stock Show and Rodeo was still going strong. The opening of this restaurant actually coincided with the Stock Show’s Parade. The menu consists of southwestern cuisine with entrees such as burgers, chicken pot pie and fried catfish. Other options include sweet potato salad and a Cajun spicesmothered pork porterhouse. I had a steak finger basket (which the menu says is an ode to Dairy Queen). It came with four crispy chicken fried steak, hand cut fries and Texas toast. I was very impressed with the amount of food I got for just $10.95. I was also more than happy with the service as my iced tea never got close to empty. The calling card of the Cowtown Diner is a four pound chicken fried steak that costs $69.95! It is served like a pizza--18 inches in diameter and over an inch thick. On the off chance that someone can finish the entire thing, they will get it for free. This is the type of novelty item that four or five people can order ahead and split up when they arrive. “This is the right time for a concept like Cowtown Diner,” said the restaurant’s visionary, Scott Jones. “People want comfort and something familiar. But they also demand a high level of quality and imagination in their food. They will find that here, along with an atmosphere that feels like home.” The Cowtown Diner is open for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Their hours are Sunday-Thursday 6am-2am and Friday and Saturday 6am-4am. This should cover all of the early risers, executives, tourists, party people and insomniacs in Sundance Square and beyond. Cowtown Diner 305 Main St. • Fort Worth (817) 332-9555 • www.thecowtowndiner.com
15
ColdAvenger
If you’re planning on training up for Winter X Games 15, do yourself a favor and protect your face and respiratory tract with the ColdAvenger. This advanced cold weather mask employs a patent-pending ventilation design to mix inhaled cold air with exhaled warm air, keeping the temperature inside the mask up to 40º to 60ºF warmer than the outdoors, while still allowing for easy breathing during exertion and keeping your face dry. Sure, you’ll look a little like a Star Wars extra while wearing it, but that’s a small price to pay for warmth. Price - $50-$60
PermaFlow NeverClog Drain
There’s nothing quite as annoying — or gross — as a clogged drain, which is why we’re considering the PermaFlow Never-Clog Drain in the Blitz Weekly men’s room. Made from clear ABS plastic and synthetic rubber, the PermaFlow attaches easily to standard kitchen and bath drains, and features a unique, integrated drain-clearing wiper that helps you move clogs on down the line, and stops lost items from venturing past the point of no return. Plus, by removing the need for excess amounts of Liquid-Plumr, you’re also doing the environment a favor at the same time. Price - $20
Sony Ericsson Aspen
Despite its declining market share, Windows Phone is still powering some pretty impressive handsets, including the new Sony Ericsson Aspen. As part of the company’s GreenHeart line, it offers ecofriendly features like a power saving mode, eco mate application, electronic manuals, waterbourne painting and a body made form recyclable materials. Of course, it doesn’t skimp on the usual smartphone features, either, boasting microSD storage, a full QWERTY keyboard, a 2.4-inch QVGA screen, a 3.5mm headphone jack, an FM radio, a-GPS, WiFi, Google Maps, a 3.2 megapixel camera, Bluetooth, and, of course, Microsoft Office Mobile. Price – TBA, expected release late 2010
Dallas Rep. Jeb Hensarling has a “D” next to his name - D’oh! by: Rich Hancock
rich@rationalradio.org
Dallas Republican Congressman Jeb Hensarling recently proved it only takes a couple of minutes in the national spotlight to come away looking like a doofus. When Obama accepted the invitation to the Republican Caucus’ gathering in Baltimore—folks like Dallas Rep. Pete Sessions and Texas Sen. John Cornyn probably thought they were going to be the beneficiaries of billboard material for this year’s campaign to take back control of the congress. You can just imagine them thinking, “If he doesn’t show, he’s chicken—and if he does, we’ll nail ‘im!” The President surprised the minority leadership by accepting their invitation… now what!?! They knew they couldn’t “boo” or shout “You lie!” as Rep. Joe Wilson did in an address to congress last year. That would look bad…and the cameras would be rolling. A chance to emasculate the man who had trounced their party just one year ago was too good to pass up, but the only way for Republicans to win the media battle was to be civil. Well, the GOP caucus attendees certainly were civil, giving the President every opportunity to speak his mind, but they soon found that this was not working in
their favor. Obama was without teleprompter and without equal in a room where he chastised Republicans for gratuitously demonizing him in the debate over health care reform, reminding them of their culpability in the enormous deficit spending of the Bush Administration and generally taking them to the political woodshed—so much so that FOX News cut away from the live broadcast with twenty minutes left to begin their in-studio right-wing spin cycle before Obama could do any more damage. Enter Dallas Republican Congressman Jeb Hensarling… He was given the last question for Obama—the last chance to nail him to the wall—and poor “Jim,” that’s what the president called him (several times), was not quite up to the task. He started out by reminding the President of a conversation they shared about their young children and how they didn’t want to saddle them with an enormous federal deficit in the future. Before the Darling of Dallas’ Democrat-haters got around to an actual question—and we’re talkin’ three minutes and change of right-wing filibuster chuck-full of fudged factoids—Hensarling was gently cajoled by Obama with the help-
ful suggestion, “I know there’s a question in there somewhere…” Hensarling settled on a question which didn’t live up to the hype and Obama handled it deftly. It was so bad that Fox News’ three top shows, The O’Rielly Factor, Hannity and Glenn Beck, only spent about four minutes combined talking about the event that night. If Jeb came out of this event as anybody’s hero, they weren’t making a lot of noise about it. Will “Jim” bounce back? Presidential candidate and then-Texas Governor George W. Bush survived numerous attacks on his intellect, including a scathing interview in which Boston TV Andy Hiller found that Bush couldn’t name a litany of foreign leaders. Bill Clinton was practically booed off the stage after a painfully-long speech to the 1988 Democratic National Convention. He won it all in 1992. Will this stop “Jim” from finding a spot on the national stage? As a lifelong Democrat, I certainly hope so. Rich Hancock is the Host of Rational talk with Rich Hancock on rationalbroadcasting.com
By: Sybil Summers
sybilsummers.com
One of the perks of being a pro athlete is scoring babes. If you’re really lucky, sometimes a one-nighter can blossom into Wives and Girlfriends (WAGs) status. Here, my friend, is a list of the hottest hots. 10. Brooklyn Decker - Andy Roddick’s wife made the cover of this year’s Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Issue. Schwing. 9. Jamie Jungers - She’s the bestlooking of all the alleged Tiger Woods’ mistresses. And she’s got a decent set of jungers. 8. Kendra Wilkinson - She would rank higher, but she just shot out a baby courtesy of husband Hank Baskett from the Indianapolis Colts. 7. Elisabeth Hasselbeck - Tim Hasselbeck should tape her mouth shut, though. 6. Minka Kelly - She has been the only girl to reportedly tame the Tiger within Derek Jeter. 5. Missy Peregrym - I first noticed this athletic actress in the 2006 movie Stick It. Shortly thereafter, Ben Roethlisberger began sticking it to her. 4. Carmella Garcia - Jeff Garcia married this Playboy model. Check out her pre-baby spread in past issues. 3. Kim Kardashian - Reggie Bush now has two trophies-- the Lombardi and the Kardashian. 2. Candice Crawford - Rumored to be Tony Romo’s fiancee, this local sports reporter is also the sister of Hollywood actor Chace Crawford. 1. Adriana Lima - As the wife of Marko Jaric, Adriana has made more of a name for herself as a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model. Sexiest thing to come outta Brazil since the bikini wax!
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ACROSS 1. A-line line 5. VCR button 8. Majestic 12. Therefore 13. Radioactive gas 15. Backside 16. Level 17. Bowel cleasing 18. Tattled 19. Kill 22. Golf ball support 23. A parcel of land 24. Story 26. Acknowledgment 29. Words to a song 31. Before 32. Malicious 34. Birth-related 36. Celebration 38. Raisin 40. Anger 41. Knot 43. Swelling under the skin 45. Animal doctor 46. Surplus 48. Wealth 50. Throat-clearing sound 51. Prefix meaning “New” 52. Mesh 54. Diamondback 61. Murres 63. Small finch 64. Wickedness 65. A swinging barrier to a room 66. What a ghost does 67. Adjusts 68. Feudal worker 69. Collection 70. Tall woody plant
DOWN 1. Stiff hair 2. Goddess of discord (Greek mythology) 3. Matures 4. Team spirit 5. Hindu princess 6. Biblical garden 7. Deep sleep 8. Dine 9. Defensive 10. Part of an archipelago 11. Formally surrender 13. Taking a break 14. Dapper 20. Mats of grass 21. Acquire deservedly 25. Teller of untruths 26. A long-necked wading bird 27. Freedom from activity 28. Grows weary 29. A pariah 30. Periods of discounted prices 31. Comes from a hen 33. Father 35. Permit 37. Part of a foot 39. Distinguished 42. Look of lust 44. Cards with just one symbol 47. Crash 49. Truthful 52. Naked 53. God of love 55. Earl Grey and orange pekoe 56. Not false 57. Fluff from a dryer 58. Affirm 59. Toy with a tail 60. Ultimatum ender 62. Metric unit of area
Blitz Weekly Funnies for the Week Q: What’s the difference between a 747 jumbo jet and a blonde? A: Not everyone has been in a 747!
Stumpy-Legged Pink Dog A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash. The barman says, “Geez,that is a weird dog: he’s stumpy-legged, pink and doesn’t have a tail. I bet my Rottweiler Q: Why should lawyers would beat the heck out of it.” 50 bucks wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort? is laid down. Out in the yard the Rottweiler gets A: Because they’re used mauled to pieces. Another drinker says to doing all of their lying his pit bull will win, but the bet is 100 outdoors. bucks. Another trip to the yard and when Q: Why did the nurse go to art it’s all over, there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker school? pays up and says, “What breed is that A: To learn how to draw anyway??” blood! The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink, it was the same breed Q: What’s six inches long, as every other alligator.” two inches wide and drives women wild? A: Money!
Horrorscopes
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 21)
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Don’t miss out on opportunities to take control. Heckling goldfish for cheese dip doesn’t count. You need to do something more authoritative such as wearing a giant mustache and walking on stilts.
There will be moments of joy and you will undoubtedly feel like performing a hysterectomy on a plastic giraffe. You may even find yourself sexually attracted to brass and dead skin cells.
Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
Sagittarius(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Have you learned to recognize your true identity? If a unicorn crapped out a dozen alien eggs, would you know the square root of 3? Consider this a time for solitude and reflection.
A sense of struggle lies ahead. Find yourself the finest bucket of squids and pour them over neighbor’s dog. This is an excellent way to overcome your hatred for Rice Krispies.
You feel you have been leading a different life recently. Stuff plenty of Epsom salts up your nostrils to avoid being mugged by angry quails. This will restore all your tentacles.
In many ways, you are vulnerable to giant wooden storks. You should cease vomiting in paper bags and selling them as sex toys. This will prevent all egg plants from dying.
There are many things to consider when empowering your inner self. One of them would be to adopt a pineapple and teach it the laws of non-Newtonian physics. Self-satisfaction never felt so good.
There are certain things in life which we must all be prepared for. A chimpanzee may break wind in a plastic bag and offer you a sniff. Such vile behavior is best left unrewarded.
The next few months could be critical for you. Find time to detach your limbs and fossilize them. A lot of small burrowing rodents will thank you for your kind donation.
Seek out gratitude in your life. Be sure to slap your Dad with a giant jellyfish and thank him for the basket of kumquats he left in your bathroom. Your nose will no longer squeak.
You may wake up at any moment to discover that your left foot is made from bacon and aluminum foil. Just look on the bright side – at least you can still glow in the dark.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
For some reason, you will find the words “Sperm Whale” extremely hilarious. Try and avoid replacing your hip bones with lemongrass as it could make you spontaneously combust.
18 by: Pat MoranThrone”
“Man on his Throne” - pmoran@gmail.com
Olympics, Schmolympics! Well, the Olympics are here again. It’s time to watch weird people from other countries hang out in the snow and compete for a fancy necklace. Now, I’m not saying that the games are boring. Not at all. It’s a pretty cool way to see sports that you would NEVER see on a regular basis (curling, decathlon, freakin’ ski jumping, etc.). It’s just lost something lately. We live in a country with the best athletes in the world who compete day in and day out at sports we all really care about. It just isn’t the same to try and watch them compete against tiny countries that don’t really ever have a chance. NBC has already lost hundreds of millions of dollars on the Olympics and stand to lose tons more by the time it’s over. Remember the “Miracle” hockey game where the US team, which was made up of amateurs, beat the Russians
who were the best team in the world? Now that was amazing. I say we go back to that model. Bring in the amateurs to compete. And not just any amateurs! I say we do it reality TV show-style, where we put every day people like you and me into the Olympic sports. Let’s throw Vinnie the taxi driver from New York in to the Moguls. Let’s take the overweight 40-year-old construction worker from Wisconsin and have him be on the Speed Skating team. Hell, we can even make it a TV show on NBC called “Who Wants To Be An Olympian” to make them some cash to pay off their debt. I, myself, will throw my name in to the hat to be on the curling team. Gotta be the easiest way for the gold. Bowling + Ice + Tea Pots + Brooms = A lame but sure fire way to the gold.
Crossword Solution