Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

VOL. 2 - ISSUE 28

BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile / Movie Reviews 4 Music: Killswitch’s Adam Dutkiewicz 5 Mavs and Stars News 6 Pacquiao/Clottey: The Event 7 Big XII Men’s Basketball 8 COVER STORY: Motorcycle Guide On the Track w/ Robby Kilpatrick 9 What’s New in 2010 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Natalie 12 In the Ink Lab 13 Restaurant Review: Sol’s Nieto 14 Blitz Toys 15 The Fan Top 10 with Sybil 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: And The Oscar Goes To… 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jennifer Wayne CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER: Photographer: Tim Gravens Model: Ariele Shealy Bike Furnished By: Josh Perez Wardrobe Furnished By: Cycle Gear of Bedford CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Yu-Ping Chen, Chris Furina, Manny Flores, Bobak Ha’Eri, Eric Kendall PHOTOGRAPHERS Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Kent Gilley, Tim Gravens, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Andrew J. Hewett, Eric Kendall, Peggy Kilpatrick, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Craig Smith, Joe Stumpo, Sybil Summers, Jennifer Wayne and Jesse Whitman ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death...” -- Hunter S. Thompson

Andrew J. Hewett

www.chewednews.com

5,200 Aussies Strip at Sydney Opera House

More than 5,000 Australians braved a cool Sydney morning to get naked on the steps of the iconic Opera House on Monday. The nudity was not a case of spontaneous stripping, but rather an organized photo shoot by American artist Spencer Tunick, who is known around the world for his large-scale images of nudes posed in stunning formations. Although more than 2,500 people had registered an intention to pose on Monday, it is estimated the final tally surpassed 5,200, despite the temperature hovering around 68 degrees as the volunteers gathered in the early hours of the morning. With the clothes coming off, the thousands of people also had to contend with a cool breeze off Sydney Harbour on what was the first day of autumn Down Under. The photo shoot, in cloudy conditions, took about 90 minutes with volunteers then allowed to return to their clothes, which had been left scattered in the neighboring Botanic Gardens - a scene described by one television commentator as resembling a teenager’s bedroom on a massive scale. A large media contingent was on hand to record the event - with one local weather presenter getting into the moment and taking his clothes off too.

NO MASK NEEDED FOR HALLOWEEN Frederick North, the 2nd Earl of Guildford, and Britain’s Prime Minister (1770 - 1782), was considered “the ugliest man in London.” North was a huge man, swollen by dropsy, with thick lips and two protuberant eyes through which he could barely see. CRAZY OR JUST KINKY? Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), English poet and essayist, suffered so severely from Lyssophobia (fear of insanity), he often begged his wife, Elizabeth, to lock him in his room and shackle his legs.

Chimp Sent To Rehab

A Russian chimpanzee has been sent to rehab by zookeepers to cure the smoking and beerdrinking habits he has picked up, a popular daily reported on Friday. An ex-performer, Zhora became aggressive at his circus and was transferred to a zoo in the southern Russian city of Rostov, where he fathered several baby chimps, learned to draw with markers and picked up his two vices. “The beer and cigarettes were ruining him. He would pester passers-by for booze,” the Komsomolskaya Pravda paper said. It added he has now been transferred to the city of Kazan, about 500 miles east of Moscow, for rehabilitation treatment.

WONDER WHERE SHE BOUGHT HER BRAS? Queen of England (1533-1536) Anne Boleyn had six fingers on her left hand plus a third nipple. If King Henry VIII’s charges against her of adultery and incest had failed, he planned to use this evidence to have her burned as a witch.

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE

BLITZREVIEWS By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com

Wa s t i n g o u r m o n ey s o yo u d o n ’t h a ve t o !

with Wesley Snipes

by: Vivian Fullerlove “Entertainment’s Real Critic”

Do you remember when every action movie in Hollywood starred Wesley Snipes? I do. When I look back on his career, I have to admit that some of the most action-packed movie-going moments of my young life were thanks to Wesley. Passenger 57, Demolition Man, Money Train, Blade…the list goes on. And you can’t mention Snipes without paying homage to New Jack City. And then, he fell into the “I used to be a big Hollywood movie star…really, I did!” abyss. Well, if you’ve been wondering when Wesley would get his second chance a la John Travolta Pulp Fiction-style, the wait is over and Brooklyn’s Finest may be it. The film features an A-list cast and one of the hottest directors in the biz, Mr. Antoine Fuqua, who directed Training Day which netted Denzel Washington the coveted Best Actor Oscar award. I had the chance to sit down with Snipes to talk about Brooklyn’s Finest, where he plays a drug lord named Casanova, who winds up at a crossroad between three NYPD cops. Tell me about the movie.

The story is a real life drama about the lives of police officers and the lives of young men who are on the other side of the law. [It is about] the struggle of living in an environment where there are a lot of circumstances that put pressures on you that make you do things you wouldn’t normally do or test your morality and your humanity as well. How did you get involved in the film?

Antoine Fuqua called me up and told me he had a role for me. We actually had talked about doing something maybe a year or two prior to this project coming along, and it just so happened I had a window of opportunity when he called me up and asked if I wanted to work with Don Cheadle and Richard Gere and Ethan Hawk. I was like, okay.

Now you play Casanova, who is a drug dealer, and Don Cheadle plays Tango, who is a cop. The two met when Cheadle’s character was working undercover on assignment. This relationship is actually one of the most interesting in the movie. Tell me a little about that whole dynamic.

I would describe their relationship as brotherly, but, you know, there’s always that little tension because in the world of hustlers and drugs and crimes, you never know exactly who to trust. When they were in prison my character actually helped save his character’s life and Tango feels like he owes a debt to Caz. There are a lot of young guys in this movie that really are a part of that Brooklyn street life depicted in this movie. What is it like working with them as opposed to actors pretending to be gangsters?

It kept me highly motivated. I definitely had to be up on my game. It’s nice to work with that energy. It was exciting. I never was a street hustler, but I can get the vibe of it and they bring that realism to it. I enjoyed it. So, I can vicariously live out my life of being a street gangster. Brooklyn’s Finest is open in theatres nationwide. The film is rated R for bloody violence throughout, strong sexuality, nudity, drug content and pervasive language. Email me the name of your favorite Wesley Snipes movie for the chance to win a pair of tickets to the Studio Movie Grill. For all of this week’s new releases and more of your favorite celebs, watch my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas programming tab!

The Crazies: The best explanation why a citizen armed with a shotgun interrupted a

little league baseball game is that maybe he had been drinking. At least that’s what the sheriff (Timothy Olyphant) of a small Iowa farming community thinks until the coroner reports the guy had a 0.0 alcohol level. Things get stranger when another family man burns his home down and acts like nothing happened. The answer to what’s causing people to go crazy might lie in the town’s water supply, or an air force jet lying at the bottom of a swamp. The Crazies is like seeing a new movie--for those like me, that is, who haven’t seen director George Romero’s 1973 independent horror original, which, according to IMDB.com, was made on a budget of $270,000. I can’t help but wonder if like all the great independent horror movies (Night of the Living Dead, Halloween, A Nightmare On Elm Street) of the late ‘60s, ‘70s and early ‘80s made on a low budget, if Romero’s original was more effective and perhaps shocking. If Romero’s version showed psychos plowing pitchforks into restrained townspeople strapped to gurneys in government labs, such a scene would probably stick in moviegoers’ minds like the ending shot of Leatherface running amok with a chainsaw in Tobe Hooper’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). There’s nothing shocking when those same brutal scenes are reenacted today. I consider seeing a mother and son being burned to death tame by today’s violent standards. There’s no doubt this new version was done on a bigger budget ($12 million) and the whole point was to be more graphic. The trouble is, The Crazies just doesn’t have any edge of your seat suspense and plays more like another end of the world/government conspiracy film than anything else – like we haven’t had enough of these doomsday flicks already.

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by: Jennifer Wayne “The Foxie Rocker”

MUSIC: Killswitch Engage 1. Rise Inside

Killswitch Engage - Alive or Just Breathing

2. When Darkness Falls

Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache

3. My Last Serenade

had been anticipating the Killswitch Engage/Devil Wears Prada/Dark Tranquility show at the Palladium Ballroom for about three months (ever since I got the email from Ticketmaster). For those who don’t know these bands, their genre is largely considered “metalcore,” a type of heavy metal incorporating both singing and screaming vocals into the music. On month two, week three, when I was reading the Palladium’s website for the 107th time to make sure the show was still on, I saw tiny writing on the bottom of the ticket purchase page. Could it really be a number for their rep over at Roadrunner Records? One phone call, 15 emails and two weeks later I was sitting on a couch backstage at the Palladium trying not to sound like a giggling groupie as I asked Killswitch Guitarist Adam Dutkiewicz a bunch of random questions.

Killswitch Engage - As Daylight Dies

6. The End of Heartache

Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache

7. Rusted Embrace

Killswitch Engage – self-titled

8. The Arms of Sorrow

Killswitch Engage - As Daylight Dies

9. Rose of Sharyn

Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache

10. Fixation on the Darkness

JW: Why did you start a metal band? AD: Boredom. JW: You formed in Massachusetts. Is that a really big “metal” city? AD: Oh yeah! A lot of metal. JW: Who influenced you in wanting to get into metal? AD: A lot of Swedish metal bands like Carcass and At the Gates. JW: You recorded your last album with a different producer, in two different cities. Will you do that again? AD: Every album before that had been recorded in Massachusetts. I really like home. So, no. We probably won’t do that again.

Photos Courtesy: Eric Kendall

JW: Oh so you don’t like sharing a tour bus with a bunch of metal dudes? AD: It smells. It smells like meat and dude. Smells like farts.

If you haven’t been exposed to Killswitch Engage, I urge you to pre-order the new God Of War Soundtrack featuring the new and unreleased track “My Obsession.” I have been fortunate enough to already have a listen and the whole album is a must for metal or video game fans.

Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache

5. Daylight Dies

Jennifer Wayne: So you are on tour with a Christian metalcore band (The Devil Wears Parada). Is it different than being on tour with, say, Rob Zombie? Adam Dutkiewicz: No different. We go hang out and have a beer after the show. Party.

JW: Gross.

Killswitch Engage - Alive or Just Breathing

4. Take This Oath

Killswitch Engage - Alive or Just Breathing

STARS:News

“NBA Analyst ”

The Mavericks had a tough question to figure out over this latest stretch. How could they replace the offensive production and sparkoff-the-bench mentality that the injured Jason Terry brought after a stray elbow broke his orbital bone? The Mavs were praying that a committee of J.J. Barea, Roddy Beaubois and Deshawn Stevenson could somehow fill those shoes. The end result has many trying to figure out where Pointe-à-Pitre is on the map and where this kid named Roddy B. learned to play ball. (Not here at the Blitz, we labeled him “future superstar” in our Mavs preview.) Rick Carlisle had been spoonfeeding the rookie minutes throughout the season only to staple the Frenchmen to the bench for 4-5 game stretches. Needless to say, Beaubois has taken this opportunity for extra minutes and run away with it. The rookie’s electrifying speed, subtle confidence and ability to get to the rim is making Carlisle rethink his rotations, especially when he’s asking Nowitzki to play 40 minutes a night. The silver lining in Terry’s injury situation is that we’re seeing Carlisle beginning to trust Beaubois, which might have never happened otherwise. He’s beginning to realize there’s something this rookie can contribute to this

team during an extended playoff run that can’t be found anywhere else on the roster. Beaubois isn’t without flaws in his game but its light years ahead of what everyone expected.

Upcoming Opponents: 3/13 vs New York Knicks – What can you say about the Knicks that hasn’t already been said. They have Tracy McGrady now but still managed to lose to the historically bad Nets.

3/17 vs Chicago Bulls –This is a good team that should play hard after recently losing to the Mavs at home. Derrick Rose won’t like playing the Mavs when (if) he meets Brendan Haywood. My prediction for this stretch: 2-0

“That Hockey Guy”

Keeping Playoff Hopes Alive

Photo Courtesy: Gregg Case

Silver Lining in Terry’s Injury

by: Richard “Rocket” Pollak

The Dallas Stars finally got the great win that they were supposed to do immediately following the Olympics as they headed for the last 20 games of the regular season and secure a playoff spot. According to NHL Analyst Keith Jones, “The team that gets out of the gate the fastest in the Western Conference is the one that is going to grab that last playoff spot.” Unfortunately, it looks like Detroit, who won their first three games. Yet, the Stars, who had been winless and outscored 17-5, finally broke the Eastern-leading Capitals 13-game NHL record home-wimming streak. I was ready to write off the season until Turco won it all for the Stars. GM Joe Nieuwendyk’s only move prior

to the NHL’s trade deadline was accquiring goalie of the future Kari Lehtonen for power-play pointman of the future Ivan Vishnevskiy. This week, the Stars return home to once again face the Los Angeles Kings, who spoiled there post-Olympic return to ice with a 5-1 pounding last week. The week continues with 4-point face-offs against Division rivals the Colorado Avalanche and the San Jose Sharks before my original home team, the Philadelphia Flyers, make their every other year stop at the AAC. The Dallas Chapter of the Philadelphia Flyers Fan Club will be celebrating at The Boardroom in Victory Place with Philly Cheesesteak Night on the 18th. Photo Courtesy: Manny Flores

MAVS:News

by: Geoff Case

7 by: Tony Barone

his Saturday at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, world champion Manny Pacquiao of The Philippines will defend his World Boxing Organization Welterweight (147 lbs.) Title against Joshua Clottey of Accra, Ghana. Up to 50,000 people will witness the fight live (at the time this went to press nearly 40,000 tickets were sold) and millions more will watch it on pay-per-view all around the world. Obviously the boxing world was hoping to see Pacquiao face Floyd Mayweather. Instead, they get Clottey who is a tough out for any fighter at this weight. Pacquiao, 50-3-2 (38 KO’s) is the only fighter to have won seven world titles in seven different weight divisions. He and his trainer Freddie Roach are certain to be voted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame in Canastota, New York, this next time around. Clottey, 35-3 (21 KO’s), is also a former welterweight champion and naturally bigger than Pacquiao. Manny is a sizable favorite in this bout, though, and for good reason. A super-fast and concussive

Photo Courtesy: Bobak Ha’Eri

God Has A Plan

The NFL Combine has now ended and next month is the draft. Many of the players who attended will have their lives changed forever in April when they hear their name called. Stafon Johnson, a running back out of USC, already had his life changed when he nearly lost his life last September. He was in the weight room doing a routine work out where he had 275 pounds on the bench press that somehow slipped as he was lowering it. The barbell landed directly on his throat, crushing his neck and severely damaging his larynx. Johnson motioned to the equipment trainer to call his mom. Blood was coming out of his nose and mouth as he was rushed to the hospital. His senior season and college career were instantly over. As fate would have it, his Mom was at the hospital he was rushed to on a sales job. She heard the sirens as the ambulance pulled up and was the one who opened the door. It took seven hours of surgery to repair the damage. Doctors had to reconstruct his throat so that one day he might be able to eat and breathe naturally. They also had

“The Senior Sports Authority”

puncher, Manny has added a few new wrinkles to his game since coming up in weight. He has improved his right hand to the point where it is a formidable weapon. Perhaps even more impressive is his advanced vision of what happens in the ring. It has been enough to make him the best fighter in the sport. The undercard has WBC super featherweight champion Humberto Soto who will fight former WBC lightweight champion David Diaz for the vacant WBC lightweight title. Also fighting are two fast rising prospects: Mexico’s Salvador Sanchez III faces 20year-old Dallas native and 2008 Olympic trials finalist Roberto Marroquin, who has won all 12 of his professional fights, including 9 knockouts. (If you want to check him out for yourself, it’s rumored that he frequents the Maple Ave Boxing Gym in Dallas.) Top Rank, the country’s premiere promotions company for the sport of boxing, thinks very highly of the former U.S. national amateur champion. Marroquin is one of Top Rank’s hottest prospects and they believe they have the next Oscar de la Hoya.

NBA: Boston vs Cleveland Sun., Mar. 14 – 2:30 PM – Quicken Loans Arena – ABC The Eastern Division rivals--the Celtics and the Cavs--will battle it out in classic form for a rare Sunday day game. Can the Celtics march into the court of King James and leave with an upset? It will be fun to find out. Also, check out the Celtics with newly acquired ex-Mav, Michael Finley.

NBA: New Jersey vs Dallas

Wed., Mar. 10 – 7:30 PM – AAC – FS SW It seems the Mavs have got their engine running on all cylinders…along with a nice boost of nitrous in the fuel tank. Nothing seems to be able to slow this team down! I doubt the Nets can do anything about it either. Seriously.

Photo Courtesy: Gregg Case

Photos Courtesy: Chris Furina

by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

to redo his larynx so that he could possibly talk again one day. He was initially given a tracheotomy so he could breathe. His doctors said that his neck being so muscular saved his life and that generally people with this type of injury don’t make it or end up living with the help of a breathing and feeding tube. He couldn’t talk and didn’t know when he would but in his mind he knew that, like playing football, he would one day be able to again. He kept his thoughts in a journal to express his feelings and emotions. He didn’t want his son to go fatherless like many kids did where he grew up. His son was his inspiration. He couldn’t talk for two months. His voice sounded like a raspy whisper and still does. His first public words were at a press conference with his doctor where he spoke the words of his late grandfather. “God has a plan,” Johnson said. “Run, Stafon, run.” At the Combine, he was fully recovered and healthy. He will be drafted next month which wasn’t even a thought back in September.

NBA: New York vs Dallas

Sat., Mar. 13 – 7:30 PM – AAC – FS SW With the Knicks falling behind so much as of late, don’t be surprised if they show up with their A game. A win over the Mavs could give them that ego boost to propel them back on the right track. However, the Mavs will probably have something to say about that.

NHL: Kings vs Stars

Fri., Mar. 12 – 7:30 PM – AAC – FS SW The Kings hammered the Stars after returning from their break, 5-1. Stars Goalie, Marty Turco, allowed 5 goals on only 22 shots. So you can rest assured, the Stars will be playing for blood.

8 Kansas has just two defeats on the season, at Tennessee and at Oklahoma State, and has a great shot at landing the No. 1 overall seed in the NCAA Tournament. The Jayhawks captured its sixth straight Big 12 championship and finished 15-1. The lone conference defeat saw Oklahoma State drain 60 percent of its shot attempts. The Wildcats are stumbling into the tournament with a two game losing streak and hope to right the ship. Kansas State must correct two flaws that contributed to the ISU loss, poor 3point field goal shooting and a 43-41 disadvantage in rebounding. They have to regain that confidence in a hurry because there is little room for error in this conference.

by: Geoff Case “Big XII Analyst ”

The key to this Baylor squad becoming a true Big XII contender has been the addition of Michigan transfer Ekpe Udoh. In the past the Bears had been soft in the middle and could only really upset the elite teams with a barrage of three pointers. Udoh finally gives them an answer for interior defense and he’s the best in the conference in that department with 4.1 blocks a game. The biggest reason the Aggies are a threat this season is they bring toughness. That intangible exudes from seniors such as forward Bryan Davis and guard Donald Sloan, who readily pass tips along to younger players and get them to bring the energy needed to compete favorably in the Big 12.

Hot Spots for

St. Patrick’s Day

by: Jennifer Wayne

Get Lucky St. Patty’s Day Kickoff at

Plush

1400 Main Street Dallas Thursday, March 11 10:00 p.m. – 2 a.m. We know not everyone is fortunate enough to have Saturday off for the Greenville Parade, so get your green on early at Plush. There will be four DJs spinning at the multi-level club, including Snowhite. If you haven’t seen her yet, you must, and this is the perfect opportunity. Green attire is preferred for the night and if you bring a lady friend in green, she will get in free and enjoy complimentary champagne until 11 p.m. There will also be a Ben Stiller look-a-like contest for some reason, but if you win, you take home $500. 3rd Annual ShamRock’n Roll in the

Missouri can influence games with its defense as well as any team in the Big 12. It leads the conference in steals (11.0) and turnover margin (plus-6.6) and often gets opponents off stride with pressure, which the Tigers initiate in backcourt. The one problem the Tigers encounter is cold shooting, which prohibits them from capitalizing on the turnovers and misses they create. The Longhorns owned the top spot in the polls after starting 17-0, but did not maintain that ranking very long. A tailspin has ensued since then, with Texas dropping eight of its last 14 games. The Longhorns have been hurt by shoddy execution on offense and occasional lapses on defense. Every team in the Big 12 was perplexed at some point in the season by how to stop G James Anderson. The conference’s leading scorer netted at least 20 points against every league rival. He posted 21 20-point performances, the third-most in a season by a Cowboy.

West End

Dallas Sunday, March 14 12:00 pm – 7:00 pm What better way to shake off the winter blues, than going green at the 3rd Annual ShamRock’n Roll in the West End? Headlining the main stage is Texas’ Celtic rock band The Killdares with opening act BeatleGras, Irish dance groups, bagpipe performances and the 3rd Annual ShamRock’n Roll Pet Parade and Pet Lookalike contest benefiting SPCA of Texas. What would a street festival in the West End be without great food prepared by the award winning restaurants of the West End? ShamRock’n Roll will benefit West End Charities (www.westendcharities. com).

Colorado was outrebounded 38-4 collectively by Iowa State and Nebraska, yet won both St. Patrick’s Day Giant Tent Party at games before outlasting Texas Tech in spite of a 14-4 disadvantage on the offensive glass. Crisp execution on offense, where Colorado leads the Big 12 in field goal percentage, is 4180 Beltline Road how it makes up for its failures to secure defensive rebounds. Addison Wednesday, March 17 Any hope of reaching the NIT, an opportunity Texas Tech coach Pat Knight said was a 8 a.m. – 2 a.m. worthwhile goal for his team, is probably gone with the Red Raiders riding a seven-game Nope, that’s not a typo. This party gets startlosing streak into the tournament. The Red Raiders allowed 81.5 points on average during ed early with eggs and kegs. This breakfast buffet includes green eggs and ham and a league play. build-your-own Bloody Mary bar. Later on in the day, they will have your classic St. Oklahoma is going through a tailspin with an eight-game losing streak that leaves the Soon- Patty’s Day fare of Irish Nachos and green ers as the No. 10 seed for the Big 12 Tournament. The skid virtually assures Oklahoma of beer, plus live music. It’s an eighteen hour its first losing season in 29 years. A season-ending ankle injury to G. Willie Warren was a party—take the day off and see if you can “hang.” blow the short-handed Sooners could not overcome.

Duke’s Road House

St. Patrick’s Day Tent Party at

Fox and Hound

Not only have losses mounted for 11th-place Iowa State, its wins have usually gone down to the wire. Kansas State missed a 3-pointer as time expired in overtime, marking the fifth Multiple Locations time in the Cyclones’ last six wins that an opponent had the final shot to win or tie the game. Wednesday, March 17 Seven of ISU’s 12 conference defeats were by margins of seven or fewer points. 11 a.m. – 2 a.m. This is their 1st annual St. Patricks Day tent party. Live music, drink specials, green beer, Relying on young players to grasp the Nebraska system and also compete favorably against lots and lots of beads and maybe a lepremore experienced and talented Big 12 rivals was too tough a proposition. However there chaun or two running around. Also, if you’re was some encouraging progress was made by some of the newcomers, namely C Jorge just not into the green beer, Wednesday is $2 Brian Diaz, a redshirt freshman. Wicked Wheat Wednesdays.

9 by: Peggy Kilpatrick “Girl with Taste”

Ever wondered what it would be like to be an international motorcycle racer? When Robby Kilpatrick moved to Chongli City, Taiwan, five years ago, he didn’t either. Born and raised in Scottsdale, Arizona, Robby, an avid traveler, decided to pick up and move to a foreign country to teach English at age 25. Five years later, he still teaches English, but he also runs a bar called the Beet with some friends and races motorcycles in Taiwan (with fame in the international motorcycle-racing circle). Recently, I spoke with Robby over the phone to learn more about his racing side. Q. What made you want to go into motorcycle racing? A. Well, I have always been a speed freak and it was financially easy for me to race motorcycles. The culture in Taiwan is riding scooters and motorcycles, so it was really my only option if I wanted to race. I prefer racing cars because it’s safer, but they don’t race cars here. In Arizona, I used to have a 2000 Volkswagen Jetta, which I turned into a race car. I raced that for three years. I just love racing. I love the competition and I love the sound. Q. What kind of bike do you race? A. My motorcycle is a 1991 Honda NSR 150cc 2-stroke. They are pretty well known around the world, except the United States. They are little crotch rocket bikes stock about 120 kilos (mine now weighs about 100 kilos) and I bought mine stock for about $1200 U.S. It had nothing done to it, so I totally changed it and put about $5000 into it. I can’t even ride it on the street anymore because it is not street legal, so I have it towed to the racetrack, which is in Longtan, Taiwan. When I turned sixteen, my first car was a 1951 GMC truck which my dad and I totally restored and had painted bright

yellow. That truck really means a lot to me, so I painted my bike the same color yellow (it is also my team colors) and my number is “51” representing the year of the truck. Q. You say you’re on a team? A. My team is the CSRT, which stands for the Chi Sen Racing Team. Chi Sen is the owner and I met him through my other racing friends. I knew I wanted to race professionally, so I started going out to the track as much as I could, and for an entire year, I practiced. I slowly started to recognize and meet people and eventually became friends with guys on different racing teams. I met the owner and he gave me a chance. Q. How many races have you won? A. Well, I’ve only been racing in Taiwan for one year. My first race ever, I was in first place and on my last lap, I crashed, so I got last, which is usually 15th place. On average, you race 12 to 18 riders. Last season, I placed 2nd overall, but I placed 1st twice and 3rd twice. The rest of them, I crashed. There are only six races in a season, which goes from March to January. Q. Is motorcycle racing a huge in Taiwan and the rest of Asia? A. Scooter racing is way bigger than motorcycle racing. About 70% vs. 30%. It used to be a lot more popular about fifteen years ago, but it is still a big sport. A lot of people come to the races and I race at the LTNS (Longtan National Speedway), the biggest and most well-known track in the country.

By: Jennifer Wayne

In 1901, 21year-old William Harley sketched out plans for a small engine to use with a pedal-bicycle frame. For two years, Harley and his childhood friend, Arthur Davidson, tinkered with this “motor-bicycle.” In 1903, with the help of Arthur’s brother, Walter Davidson, it was done. Unfortunately, the “power-cycle” couldn’t take on hills without a little “leg work.” Harley and the Davidsons quickly wrote off their first model as a learning experience and began on a second-generation. This first “real” Harley-Davidson motorcycle had a bigger engine and a loop-frame pattern similar to the 1903 Milwaukee Merkel Motorcycle (designed by Joseph Merkel, later of Flying Merkel fame). These key components took the bike out of the motorized-bicycle category and defined what a modern motorcycle should contain in the years to come. The boys also received help with their bigger engine from outboard motor pioneer Ole Evinrude. The prototype of the new HarleyDavidson was assembled in the Davidson’s backyard shed. The prototype machine was functional by September 8, 1904, when it competed in a Milwaukee motorcycle race at State Fair Park. It was ridden by Edward Hildebrand and placed fourth. This is the first documented appearance of a Harley-Davidson motorcycle on historical record. In April 1905, complete motorcycles were in production on a very limited basis. That year, the first Harley-Davidson dealer, Carl H. Lang of Chicago, sold three bikes from the dozen or so built in the Davidson backyard shed. (Years later, that same shed was taken to the Juneau Avenue factory where it stood for many decades as a reminder of where it all started. It was accidentally destroyed in the ‘70s while contractors cleaned up the factory yard.) In 1906, Harley and the Davidson brothers built their first factory on Chestnut Street (later Juneau Avenue). This very location remains Harley-Davidson’s corporate headquarters today.

You want to go to the moon in style? Well here is the Rocket you’ve been waiting for! Triumph’s Rocket shoots straight out of pure cruiser territory and heads straight out of this world. The Rocket III Roadster is powered by an upgraded version of Triumph’s massive three-cylinder 2,297cc juggernaut. Triumph knows you’ll need plenty of boost to break the atmosphere, so they upped the torque by 15% to a mighty 163 ft.lbs!

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Moto Guzzi does it again with the Grisso 1200 8V SE sharing the panache that all Moto Guzzi’s share. The Grisso’s style is classic and gives off an aura of two-wheel beauty and performance. It is a bold and brash machine that creates a hybrid old world style with modern engineering; simply elegant, but still 100% macho.

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It’s what everyone in the sportbike world has been waiting for – a superbike from BMW. Leave it to the German masterminds to create a motorcycle designed for the race track, but built to deliver practicality on the street. So even though it can also be ridden with a number plate on the back, don’t let it go to your head, Racer-X.

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The new Harley-Davidson Forty-Eight motorcycle is considered a factory custom. It takes the Sportster 1200 engine and creates a hybrid of hot rod performance with the look of a dark custom bike. It just has the look of a “bad boy” bike written all over it. I’m sure the ladies will agree.

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Honda’s new NT700V takes two different worlds of a motorcyclist and perfectly combines them. It’s a lightweight sport-touring bike with plenty of punch to beat up around-town urban assaults, and plenty of plush feature-packed amenities for those long hauls on the weekend. Pack up the hard bags and hit the road…just be back in time for that meeting on Monday.

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Leave it to Ducati to put out something that could make anyone drool. The new Hypermotard 796 takes its cue from big brother 1100, but features a lower seat height and a smooth shifting engine ready to pull ninja like moves on any urban commute. Thanks to Ducati’s twin-cylinder masterpiece and a lightweight sporty frame, the 796 will definitely make any good boy show up late for dinner.

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11 by: Eric Kendall “Two Wheels and an Open Road”

out Orange County. Honda is here to take on the chopper with an industry first – a production line Chopper. The bones Fury is guaranteed to turn heads, but still leaves plenoptions for most chrome junkies. It gives us common folk hance to own a pricey custom chopper.

mph is proud of its café racer and to celebrate they’re giving rty look to a classic design. The Thruxton SE will daunt a er-coated red frame with pearl white bodywork, topped off a red stripe down the middle. Don’t forget about the colorhed fly screen & blacked out engine. You’ll be sure to stand f the crowd.

edesigned Z1000 is the biggest news in Kawi’s new lineup he most powerful Z1000 yet. This is all credited to an all1,043cc inline-four beast that makes 136bhp and 81lb/ft of e! It has received a cosmetic overhaul to look as intimidats a hoodlum bike should be.

ti set out to tweak the bike as it was meant to be with a new n that satisfies all the demands a motorcyclist has combined one freakin cool bike. The Multistrada strikes a point with ord Multi. You want it all? Here it is. The Multistrada is ly 4 bikes in 1; a sport bike, long-distance tourer, urban and enduro are now separated by just one click. Like I said, freaool.

ing for something once in a lifetime? The Indian Chief ber LE is taken straight out of WWII era inspiration and only be available for one year. The Bomber is available in ary Green and Silver Smoke finishes with pin-up girl tank rk. The leather on the seat and saddlebags are worn and soft ke an old bomber jacket. Bombs away, baby.

ry decided that 2010 was the year that’d they put out its st and meanest. The Vegas LE is the quickest motorcycle produced by Victory. It pumps out 97 Horsepower and 113 of torque, and features a Bonneville Salt Flats inspired paint Mean and fast - just how I like ‘em.

by: Eric Kendall

“There are only two types of motorcyclists; those who have been down and those that are going to go down.” – Mr. Miagi Alarmingly, this saying is very true. No matter how much you prepare, practice or prevent…it may not always be the rider that’s at fault. So before you go out and blow 20 large on a chromed out hog and hit the road for a Bro-venture, take a minute to get up to speed on some safety and rider etiquette. Never ride directly next to a moving vehicle. Most riders’ downfall is not their inability to drive a motorcycle, but unpredictable motorists. Good advice – ride like you are invisible. Assume no one can see you and always plan a “way out.” Avoid eighteen wheelers. You never know when a tire chunk is going to fly off and take a piece of you with it. Let’s not forget truckers can get a tad sleepy and probably can’t even see you to begin with. Make eye contact and/or hand gestures with vehicles prior to lane changes. You’d be surprised what direct eye contact with someone will do to alert them of your presence. A wave, a kick of your leg to either direction, or any abrupt body movement increases the likelihood that drivers are looking at you and not their iPod. Pump your brakes continuously. When approaching a stop, pump your brakes continuously to act as a flashing indicator to the vehicle behind you. Make sure you to always keep an eye in the back of your head by using your mirrors. Nothing will benefit you more than taking a rider safety course. Not only will this qualify as the “riding” portion of the DMV test, it will also get you a discount on your insurance.

by: Jennifer Wayne

Photos Courtesy: Yu-Ping Chen

“Foxie and Tattooed”

How to Irritate and

he general public cannot only be scary, but also very annoying. Unless we live out in the woods Henry David Thoreau-style, we are going to have to deal with the daily irritations running rampant in the public domain. But there is hope! One way to deal with annoying people is to out-annoy them. Irritate them before they can irritate you. That way you can have a little fun and be one step ahead of the game. Here are a few ways to annoy people, but I’m sure you can think of many more:

Cough/talk very loudly in a movie theater. For added dramatic effect, cough violently for

several minutes, swine-flu style, and then stagger down the aisle in search of your lungs you just coughed up. Also, mention every actor that appears on screen and describe very loudly what you think of him/her.

Repeat every statement said to you but in the tone of a question, i.e., “I’m meeting soand-so for lunch today.” And then you answer: “You’re meeting soand-so for lunch today?” This one is fun because in a conversation, it can just keep going and going and going and going and going…..

Let your rapscallion children run amok in a store. And if

etting your first tattoo is one of those memories you can’t erase. It’s up there with the night you turned 21 (ok…I remember the day…not necessarily the night) and your first love. The memory of my first time is not so glamorous. I went to a hole in the wall up in Denton while I was attending UNT. I was only charged $40, but I think the experience I got reflected that. The studio was bare bones—white laminate flooring and dim lighting (that should have been a bad sign, but again, this was my first time). I sat in a cold, worn-out chair and chatted with an artist who was handsome, yet clearly “baked.” The tattoo stung so bad, I didn’t think I was going to make it through the estimated 30 minute sitting time (continue reading to find out why this is bad). Yet, I was hooked on ink…I would return to this very same less-than-desirable germ fest two more times for tattoo work. Well…after chatting with Cj, the owner of Ink Lab Tattoo, and learning about some of the precautions they take, I will be a little more selective. Although after visiting his “salon,” I don’t think I will have more than one option to think about. This is, hands down, the spot for people wanting the Saks of tattoos rather than the 99 cent store bargain bin tattoo. The first difference you will notice about this place from any other tattoo joint you’ve seen is Ink Lab Tattoo categorizes itself as a “Salon and Fine Art Studio.” No…they don’t do hair, but you do need to make an appointment. This allows you to get one-on-one attention rather than being an afterthought at a crowded studio. Also, the artists are actual artists. They paint, draw and create all sorts of pieces that are on display in the salon. This gives the studio a very cool vibe. You know you are in the hands of an artisan, not someone who decided to start tattooing because they’re good at copying anime off of their Yu-Gi-Oh cards. And that’s another thing…they aren’t going to scan in a picture you bring them of what you want and tattoo from it. It will be what you want; but with a custom flavor to it, to make sure it’s the only one out there. They believe that whether a tattoo is “chosen based on aesthetically pleasing capability or out of individual sentiment, each personal piece of skin art deserves to be as unique as its wearer.” Remember that cold hard chair I was telling you about earlier? You won’t need to worry about that. They have ergonomically-designed chairs. If you need more amenities, Ink Lab allows you to use their 42” Plasma TV, allowing you to decide what movies play while you’re at your appointment. You can also listen to your own CD on their sound system. That’s because it’s just you and your partner or close friends in the whole salon. That’s right, no other unknown people to stare at you while you’re getting your tramp stamp. Also, remember that stinging I said I felt during my tattoo session? It could have been a poor quality needle with a bent tip that was “hooking” my skin and pulling it out. At Ink Lab, though, Cj buys and supplies his Tattoo Artist with the best that money can buy, from dental bibs and ink caps, to needles, tubs, tips and ink. If you want a fabulous experience, make sure you keep this place in the front of your cranium.

People they start to have a temper tantrum, slowly back away and pretend the kid isn’t yours.

Double park. Take up two parking spaces on purpose, and when someone asks you to move, tell them with pompous indignation that you wouldn’t dare risk the precious gold paint on your BMW getting damaged by their pathetic rust-box on wheels.

When at a party, before someone even has a chance to utter a word, ask why they are so quiet and introverted. This is especially important for those of us who really are quiet. This way you can get to them first and blacklist them

as the “quiet” one for the duration of the party.

You and your friends are probably already doing this, but I will mention it anyway. Constantly post your mundane daily events on Facebook and Twitter, such as what you had for breakfast, when you took a nap, upload a picture of the menu of a restaurant you just ate at…you get the idea.

Talk very loudly on your cell phone at the checkout counter. Get so into the intimate conversation—“So I had a colonoscopy the other day and…”—that you don’t pay attention and as a

by: Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective”

result, hold the line up.

Call one of your friends and use them as a free therapist. Talk on and on about all your problems and drama, preferably from a cell phone in a crowded public area.

Be the one in the neighborhood who is obsessed with loose leaves on the lawn. And if you are a true sadist, occasionally have a 4 a.m. leaf-blowing session so loud that your half-asleep neighbors will fantasize about defecating in your coffee and then throwing it in your face.

FOOD REVIEW

The Pick of the Week:

by: Kelly G. Reed “Dude with an Appetite”

Sol’s is hidden away in between an Albertson’s and an IHOP at the intersection of Abrams and Mockingbird. You’ll know you’ve found it when you see the patio and its umbrellas. This is the only Tex-Mex restaurant that has a patio that I know of in the Lakewood area. When the weather is accommodating, there is often a line of customers waiting to partake in a meal, drinks and nice conversation.

On the Inside

When you walk in, the first thing you will notice is the art work that adorns the walls. All originals are for sale by various artists. There’s a juke box to the left, a full bar and a spacious dining room that can handle the smallest of parties or the largest. There are also a couple of murals that will catch your eye. As far as the bar is concerned, take note that Sol’s offers over 20 brands of beer in draft or bottled, domestic or import. Knowing that you have Corona Extra as your fall back, you can explore with your taste buds for some new flavors. On Tuesdays at Sol’s, they promote Mexican Beer Day with $2.50 bottles. While the bar is fully stocked with the usual types of vodka, whiskey and rum, they also carry over 25 different types of tequila. So yes…you now have a reason to go there everyday after work. Their specialty drink is The Meltdown. This concoction is a blend of frozen margarita and your choice of Grand Marnier, Cointreau or Chambord.

The Cuisine

Feel free to stop by for lunch and take a siesta afterwards. Their weekday lunch specials are affordable and filling. As soon as you are seated, the waitstaff bring over chips and salsa (which has a little kick). After glancing over the lunch menu, one has to decide from 16 options. I can vouch for the #2, which is the beef taco and cheese enhilada served with rice and beans. For those who are trying to eat light, try the #16 soup and salad. The salad consists of mixed lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, jicama and cheese with a bowl of tortilla soup. If you go for dinner, Sol’s offers a myriad of fajita options. The standards are there such as beef, chicken and shrimp but what sets Sol’s a part is the Tacubaya Fajitas. Pork, chicken and shrimp atop of a mound of grilled onions, red and green bell peppers. For the adventurous, bring a party of four and split the Sol’s Fajitas Combo. It’s an affordable dish at about $10 per person. In regards to their specialties, Gordo’s Platter is a must! The Mesquite grilled tenderloin with Mexican potatoes is delicious. The Tenderloin Ranchero and Carne Asada come highly recommended. For seafood lovers, the Camaron al Mojo de Ajo is excellent. Six jumbo shrimp swimming in garlic with bread will leave you sated.

For the Early Birds

Sol’s Nieto opens bright and early to serve breakfast daily. Monday through Thursday you can order off the breakfast menu from 9am – 3pm and from Friday through Sunday, they start at 8am. Migas, Huevos Rancheros, and Chorizo and Scrambled Eggs are plentiful. The Huevos a la Mexicana might be the best kept secret. Scrambled eggs with hot Serrano peppers will get you going. Sol’s also offers a variety of omelets, quesadillas and breakfast tacos. Sol’s Nieto Mexican Grill 6434 E. Mockingbird Lane • Dallas – 75214 PH: 214-826-5564

Photos Courtesy: Yu-Ping Chen

For those of you (like us) who’ve been waiting years for an all-new TiVo interface, feast your eyes on the TiVo Premiere. The new interface takes full advantage of HDTVs as well as its web-connectedness, with the ability to search across standard cable, YouTube, the web, Netflix, Amazon On Demand, and Blockbuster, all new specific movie and TV collections — like Oscar and Emmy winners — the ability to click on a show or actor to learn more, an on-screen space meter, and new content from Pandora Radio and FrameChannel. The standard TiVo Premiere will offer up to 45 hours of HD recording, E-SATA for external storage, video output up to 1080p and a single multistream CableCARD slot; the beefier XL model steps up to 150 hours of HD recording and adds THX certification. As an added bonus for Adobe supporters, the new interface is built on Flash, so you’ll know who to blame if it starts crashing more often than a NASCAR rookie driving with a blindfold on. Price - $300-$500

Taking Phil Spector’s production technique to its literal physical manifestation, the Wall of Sound is an astonishingly massive — 3’ x 4’ — handcrafted iPod speaker. Boasting 28 speaker elements hidden behind a minimalistic single black speaker grill, the WOS offers a frequency response of 40Hz - 20,000kHz and weighs a whopping 225 lbs., or more than every iPod ever made, combined. Price - $4,500

Get a tablet and a high-performance laptop all at once with the HP EliteBook 2740p. This touch-enabled convertible tablet features a 12.1-inch LED-backlit display on a convertible hinge that lets you use in with the full QWERTY keyboard for laptop-style work, or flip it over for touch-enabled tablet computing, and also offers plenty of horsepower, thanks to an Intel Core i5 or i7 processor, up to 8GB or RAM, optional SSD storage, optional built-in 3G wireless, and long-lasting 6-cell battery. Price - $1,600 and up

Regret

by: Joe Stumpo www.darthstumpo.com

“Regrets--I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention.” – “My Way” by Frank Sinatra

f there is one real regret I’ve got right now, it’s that I didn’t take the time to get to know certain people I have crossed paths with, especially with some of those from my previous I.T. helpdesk job that I left in August 2008. The recent email I received from a former colleague through Facebook last week letting me know that a co-worker I knew named Michael LaFever passed away Feb. 21 brought up that lingering regret. I spoke to Michael off and on at my previous job. It was, however, most always when I was on the phone troubleshooting issues and needed an immediate answer in a quick attempt to get the caller off my phone. Though I didn’t attempt to get to know him on a more personal level, but I was able to see that Michael was a Hell of a nice guy. Always smiling and upbeat, he never lost his patience with anyone-- no matter how moronic the idiot on the other end of the phone was. I got to know Michael more this past year by connecting with

him on Facebook. Actually, he connected with me. Michael was always posting things on Facebook. When he one day wrote on his page how his girlfriend said yes when he proposed to her, I was happy for him, if not a little jealous and envious because I have yet to find a significant other. As I browsed through Michael’s Facebook page the past few days, which sadly now resembles a memorial guestbook people sign at wakes, I took note of one comment Michael said on his page back in December. “If you ever get bored, just go out in public and make small talk with a stranger. You just might get a kick out of it. I know I do sometimes. People are amazing!!” I don’t believe for one minute Michael was lying. That’s just the type of person he was. He had that kind of friendly, easygoing personality who wasn’t afraid to talk to anyone, even if he just met them. It’s that kind of magnetic personality that would have made Michael a perfect candidate if he planned on going into journalism. It was by mere accident when I spoke with him briefly online through AOL’s instant messaging back in November 2009. We briefly argued politics and catch-

ing each other up on our latest jobs. I was about to sign off when Michael suddenly asked me for advice on how to get into writing and getting published. He said he had a knack for writing opinionated political-type stuff. I thought to myself, all this time I thought he was going for a corporate career working for some company’s I.T. department either doing troubleshooting or training. I told him about how I write brief film reviews and sometimes columns for the Blitz Weekly and gave him the editor’s contact information. I told him they are always looking for stuff and the possibility existed that if he has anything he’s written in regards to sports, food, entertainment, politics, or anything pertaining to “male only” issues, the editor might consider running them. Michael never contacted them. In his instant message to me back in November last year before signing off, Michael wrote if he gets let go from his current I.T. job, “Maybe I can take up writing... but I would just piss off everyone and have no readers by the time my 1st article was done…lol.”

By: Sybil Summers

sybilsummers.com

Top Ten Unfortunate Sports Names 10. Oregon State Beavers - I’ve heard getting into this school is pretty easy. It just requires peach schnapps and minimal athletic ability. 9. Irina Slutskaya - Poor Irina. Think she hangs out with fellow former skater Dick Button? 8. Alabama Crimson Tide - I can’t help but think of Aunt Flo everytime I hear someone mention this school’s mascot. What else could it possibly mean? 7. Hoopeston Cornjerkers - I’m told most of the male students at this Hoopeston, IL high school are experts at jerking their corn. 6. Dick Butkus - As if “Butt Kiss” wasn’t bad enough, this Chicago Bear’s parents gave him the hazardous first name of Richard. Cruel joke or great senses of humor? 5. Macon Whoopee - This Georgia-based hockey team closed its doors in 2002, but the clever name lives on. The logo featured a Whooping Crane (bird) and a bee. Snicker. 4. Lucious Pusey - Technically pronounced “LOO-Shuss POO-See”, on paper it certainly does look inviting. In 2005, the Florida footballer petitioned for a name change adopting his mother’s surname of Seymour. I still think “Seymour Pusey” would’ve been better. 3. Harry Colon - I wasn’t even aware you could grow hair on the inside? 2. Butte Pirates - You can say “Byoot” all you want, but you won’t convince me to pronounce this Arco, Idaho town with the “e.” It’s good to know the local high school encourages sword fights in this day and age. 1. Dick Trickle - How funny would it be if he drove the Viagra car? No, really.

ACROSS 1. Pitcher 5. Not bro 8. Summoned 12. Wise one 13. Canvas dwellings 15. Smell 16. Operatic solo 17. Rundown 18. Portent 19. Indescribable 22. Anger 23. Old age 24. Religious figure 26. Against 29. Cultural 31. Swine 32. Outer or exterior 34. European blackbird 36. Acknowledge 38. Artist’s workstand 40. Remain 41. Permissible 43. Female demon 45. East southeast 46. Determine the essential quality of 48. Guarantee 50. A Roman emperor 51. A small drink 52. Seated oneself 54. Filling to excess 61. Fecal stool 63. Perpendicular to the keel 64. Found in skin lotion 65. Murres 66. Delete 67. Exam 68. Not front 69. Choose 70. X X X X

DOWN 1. Jacob’s brother 2. Sound the alarm 3. Auspices 4. Harvester 5. Search 6. Ancient Peruvian 7. Pierce 8. Scary noise 9. Manage 10. One who accomplishes 11. Coastal raptor 13. Slander 14. Divided 20. Alternatively 21. Reflected sound 25. Burden 26. Brilliant 27. Self-centered 28. Not fresh 29. Swelling under the skin 30. Stop 31. Buddy 33. A painkiller (abbrev.) 35. Caustic 37. Spouse 39. Supple 42. Novice 44. Largest continent 47. Exploded stars 49. Inform 52. Counterfoil 53. Certain something 55. A river in Spain 56. Harvest 57. Not first 58. Holly 59. It smells 60. Obtains 62. An East Indian tree

Blitz Weekly Funnies for the Week The Bride Tells Her Husband Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend said he loved her? A: She believed him. Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying? A: Other lawyers look interested. Q: Why do women have legs? A: Have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind! Q: Did you hear Tiger Woods has a new movie coming out? A: It’s called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)

Try to be more flexible this week. Just don’t bend over backwards too much or your head will be dangerously close to your own ass.

Horrorscopes

Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)

Be honest about what you really think when debating butter vs. margarine this week.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)

Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Get on the “Obamamania” bandwagon this week by paying homage to the 25 years the U.S President spent as a smoker. But don’t risk your health by actually smoking, just wheeze.

Remain beautiful this week by not turning ugly.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 21)

Right now is a good time to contemplate your roll in the universe. No, that’s not a typo, decide on your favourite sushi roll and stick to it. California Roll, Spicy Tuna Roll, Dragon Roll…

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?” “OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.” And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.” Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.” After their second time, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!” The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.” Limply turning his head, he YELLS at her, “Hey, it’s not a life sentence!”

Very soon you’ll find love, and it will be in some extremely surprising places. When was the last time you looked inside your toilet tank?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Threaten emotional outbursts at fast food drive-thrus this week and they won’t forget your ketchup.

Sagittarius(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) Stay away from the left-handed cigarettes this week. In your current state, you run a strong risk of investing in a business that sells deep-fried Doritos rolled in chocolate.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Catch up with old friends or family members by moving in with them. You’ll save tons of cash as well!

Get ready for the future by pissing on the past.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Simplify your life AND look respectable at all times by wearing only wrinkle-free clothing. Once you’re able to get past the “supernerd” tag you now elicit, you’ll be quite comfortable.

Make something for a friend. If you’re out of ideas, simply join a high school shop class for help. Who doesn’t love copper tooling or garden trowels?

18 by: Pat MoranThrone” “Man on his Throne” - pmoran@gmail.com

And The Oscar Goes To… Yeah, I watched the Oscars. So what? I am one of the few people on the planet who enjoys watching the Academy Awards and isn’t some sort of over the top douche or some know it all snarky blow hard. I don’t watch them for the f’ing ridiculous attitudes of self-fellating Hollywood stars, the billion dollar eye sores that make up the so-called fashion, or the general escapism that is an over three hour show that honors the people who least need honoring. I like the Oscars for one simple reason: During a period of time where stupidity and ignorance rules our culture, it’s nice to see a place showcase excellence. Strip away all the clichéd speeches and boring a$$ holes, it’s a pretty decent event. Think back on your life and how many horrible movies you’ve seen. It’s a number that stretches on to infinity. From schitty rom-com’s to direct to video Van Damme flicks, there are an insurmountable number of bad movies out there. But switch it to the other side... How many great films have you seen? A lot less than the crappy ones? Yeah, the Oscars cater to the ridiculous liberal billionaires and elitists. But it does also prove that through all the crap that is made in Hollywood, good work can still prevail. Plus, it’s pretty great watching famous people lose. Try it some time... It’s more cathartic than a decade of therapy.

Crossword Solution